conversations
listlengths 3
3
|
|---|
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: \"Enemy ship off the port bow!\" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, \"Get me my red shirt. \" A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, \"Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!\" The captain again says to the ensign, \"Get me my red shirt. \" After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, \"TEN enemy ships approaching!\" The captain said to his ensign, \"Get me my brown pants!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer,\" the man began, \"I can explain.\" \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.\" \"But, officer, I just wanted to say,\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Computer Terms 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say \"Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\" Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \"gooey\") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sing it, it sounds better: His baloney has a first name: It's \"I did not inhale.\" His baloney has a second name: \"I wasn't getting tail.\" He loves to sling it every day, The White House people all just say, That Billy Clinton has a way Of making bullsh*t sound OK!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\" The third fellow says \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\" The first two guys were amazed. \"What happened then?\" they asked. \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Our three previous presidents and the current president found themselves following the famous Yellow Brick Road, on their way to meet The Wizard. They were all missing just a little something and figured The Wizard could help them. They meet The Wizard and he asks each in turn what they need. \"Well\", Jimmy Carter says, \"I could use some courage.\" \"No problem,\" says The Wizard, and Carter gets his courage, no questions asked. \"What about you, Mr. Reagan?\", The Wizard asks. \"If I only had a brain,\" Mr. Reagan replies, and voila, Mr. Reagan has his brain. George Bush is next. \"People tell me I could use a heart,\" he pleads, and The Wizard grants Mr. Bush his wish. \"Tell me, Mr. Clinton, what do you most want?\", asks The Wizard. Mr. Clinton doesn't hesitate. \"Is Dorothy around?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, and the bolts that held the wheel on rolled into the sewer. A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that he take one bolt off of the remaining three tires to hold up the new tire until he got to a service station. The motorist thanked him profusely and said, \"I don't know why you are in that place. \"The patient said, \"I'm here for being crazy, not stupid. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton was in Baghdad talking about the peace accords. Clinton noticed there were 3 buttons on Saddam's chair. He didn't think anything of it at the time. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the fist button. Immediately a box popped out in front of Clinton and a boxing glove popped up and punched Clinton in the nose. Clinton was a little dazed, but he wanted to continue with the peace accords so he kept talking. After a few minutes Saddam pressed the second button. A boot came out of the floor and kicked Clinton in the shin. Clinton is starting to get angry, but he decides to go on. About 5 minutes later Saddam pressed the last button and another boot came up and kicked Clinton in the crotch. Clinton had had it at this point and jumped up and yelled, \"That's it, I'll see you in Washington D.C. in 2 weeks!\" Two weeks went by and Saddam came to D.C. He noticed 3 buttons on Clinton's desk and started to get ready for Clinton's revenge. He started talking and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the first button. Saddam ducked and nothing happened. He starts talking again, and after a few minutes Clinton pressed the second button. Saddam moved to the side, but, again, nothing happened. Saddam is starting to get suspicious, but he keeps talking. A few more minutes later Clinton pressed the third button. Saddam jumps up, and still, nothing happens. At this point Saddam is furious. He yells, \" That's it, I'm going back to Baghdad!\" Clinton looks straight at him and responds, \"What Baghdad?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. \"Oh, this is terrible,\" exclaims St. Peter, \"I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, \"Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back.\" Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, \"Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one.\" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later... \"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man takes his dog to the Vet and says, \"Doctor, I think my dog is dead.\" The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said \"Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars.\" The man said, \"$500 and 35 dollars! What for?\" The Vet said, \"$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,\" the doctor told his anxious patient. \"You only have six months to live.\" The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. \"I can't possibly pay you in that time.\" \"Okay,\" the doctor said, \"let's make it nine months.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Aviation\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A large two engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. \"No problem,\" the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power. Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: \"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that this is a train and not a plane.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. \"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!\" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. \"Never mind,\" he said with a hiccup, \"I got in the back seat by mistake.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, \"I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. \"What is it?\" yells the President. \"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?\" the aide asks. \"Just go ahead and pay it.\" responds the President."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Similarities between Nixon and ClintonNixon:WatergateClinton:WaterbedNixon: His biggest fear - the Cold WarClinton:His biggest fear - a Cold SoreNixon: Worried about carpet bombsClinton:Worried about carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a GreekClinton:His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop KissingerClinton:Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapeClinton:Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky DickClinton:sameNixon: Ex-PresidentClinton:Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan \"Nixon's The One\"Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, \"He's the one!\"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peakClinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon LiddyClinton:Well acquainted with the G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi MinhClinton:Took on HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honorClinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said \"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...\". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, \"... but they probably weren't veterinarians\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, \"I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!\" \"What is it? her sisters asked eagerly. Proudly she replied, \"Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, \"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.\" The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, \"So, what's the catch?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Businessman's DepressionA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, \"Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.\" A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. \"You did as I suggested?\" he asked. \"Absolutely,\" replied the businessman. \"You went to the beach?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"And what were the first words you saw?\" \"Chapter 11.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the Road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride. A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought \"Oh no, I have a priest dn the truck I can't run down this lawyer\", and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer. But, the truck triver heard a thump outside of the truck, he looked in his rear-view mirror but didn't see anything. He turned to the priest and said \"Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road\" And the priest said \"Don't worry son, I got him with my door.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, \"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they come to an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, \"What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!\" Then the driver responded, \"Don't worry, my mother always drives like this.\" So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, \"I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!\" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, \"All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!\" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. \"What the hell are you doing?\" The passenger screamed. \"This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?\"\"Well, my mother might be coming the other way!\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of on-lookers gathers around. \"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!\" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind. \"A PRIEST, PLEASE!\" the dying man says again. Then out of the crowd steps a little old man dressed shabbily and of at least eighty years of age. \"Mr. Policeman,\" says the man, \"I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Catholic. But for fifty years now I've been living behind St. Elizabeth's Catholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man.\" The policeman agrees and brings the octogenarian over to where the dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured man and says slowly in a solemn voice:\"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, \"Why'd you do that? The trooper says, \"You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready.\" Driver says, \"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.\" The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, \"What'd you do that for?\" The cop says, \"Just making your wishes come true.\" The passenger says, \"Huh?\" The cop says, \"I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, \"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.\"The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, \"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.\" The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, \"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!\"Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, \"Ah, now that's the real thing.\" A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, \"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.\"The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, \"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!\" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, \"Yeah, now how old am I?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, \"Guns don't kill people. I do.\" Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave \"hello\" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said \"Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.\" The lawyer said \" You are correct. How much was the meat?\" The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150 \"for legal consultation\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One Sunday morning Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, \"Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.\" After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. \"Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him.\" Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, \"Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June.\" Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. \"Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this.\" Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. \"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married,\" she complained. \"Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother.\" Hillary just shook her head. \"Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as \"Area 51?\" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their \"secret\" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying \"you-did-not-see-a-base\" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, \"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, \"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?\" \"Ever go fishing?\" the policeman suddenly asked the man. \"Ummm, yeah...\" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, \"Ever catch *all* the fish?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles' landmark movie, Citizen Kane. \"Make me one promise,\" he told Jaglom, \"Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie.\" Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with RKO studios giving him complete and absolute control over every aspect of production, including colour or lack thereof. Although he wanted to, Turner never got a chance to colourize Citizen Kane."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, \"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!\"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, \"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.\"The cowboy replies, \"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.\"The bartender says, \"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?\"\"About fifty cents!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This blind fella is standing at the corner with his seeing eye dog waiting to cross the street, when his pooch lifts his leg and you guessed it, right down the side of his nice herringbone tweed trousers. The guy immediately reaches into his jacket pocket and retrieves a doggie treat which he starts to offer to Fido.A businessman, who is also waiting to cross the street, observes this happening and interrupts, \"None of my business, but are you aware of the fact that your dog just wizzed all down the leg of your pants?\"\"Yes, I'm trying to break him of that habit\", replies the blind man.\"Well, it's none of my business,\" retorts the onlooker, \"but you're not going to teach him much by rewarding him with a treat!\" To which the blind fella chuckles, \"Oh I'm not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his ass!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all, so the fairy turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. \"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\" \"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle.\" \"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other offhand, \"just our medals.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit \"cancel\" 12. Re- correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, \"Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act. \"Back ladies, back!\" cried the leader. \"There's a very dangerous beast out there!\" But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening. \"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration.\" \"Wow!\" exclaimed the oldest of the group. \"I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Thomas' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Thomas made it clear he was in a big hurry. \"No fancy stuff, Doctor,\" he ordered. \"No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.\" \"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,\" said the dentist admiringly. \"Now, which tooth is it?\" Mr. Thomas turned to his wife Sue. \"Show him your tooth, Honey.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jonathan took his college roommate, Jake, home for Easter. After dinner, Jonathan addressed his father (who was a man of the cloth): \"Dad, I need to tell you something. Jake and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing.\" Jonathan's father practically exploded. His face turned red and he was speechless for ten solid minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, \"My son, you CANNOT marry Jake. For God's sake, Jon ... he's Jewish!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, \"I heard you died.\" \"But you see I'm alive ,\" smiled the friend.\"Impossible,\" said the psychiatrist, \"the man who told me is much more reliable than you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, \"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.\" The others agreed. Then one said, \"Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?\" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, \"I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.\" The second psychiatrist said, \"I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.\" The third followed with, \"I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.\" The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, \"I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, \"I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!\". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, \"There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.3) Overcharging fees to many clients.4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case....And the list goes on for quite awhile.The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, \"Wait, I've done some charity in my life also.\" St. Peter looks in his book and says, \"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?\" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, \"Yes.\" St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, \"Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says \"I bet you are a surgeon.\" She confirms and asks how he knew. \"Easy, you're always washing your hands.\" \"That's very clever\" she says, \"I bet you're an anesthesiologist\". \"Wow, how did you guess?\" \"I didn't feel a thing\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "...These two strings walk up to a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells \"I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?\" String says \"Yeah.\" Bartender says, \"aren't you a string?\" String says, \"No, I'm a frayed knot...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, \"How's your sex life, buddy?\" The other guy answers, \"Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. \" The first guy says, \"Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!\" The other guy says, \"Hmmmm... I think I'll try that.\" The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, \"How did you get on with the starter pistol?\" The other guy says, \"Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said.\" The first guy says, \" So??? What happened?\" The other guy says, \"She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming \"I can't sleep in the barn there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!\"The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying \"There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!\"The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow says..."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. \"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!\", he whined. \"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer. \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\" \"Oh my gaaaad...\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Up on a ladder in bad weather; either decorating the house or boarding up windows. 9. You drag out boxes of supplies you haven't used since last season. 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores. 7. Favorite TV shows pre-empted for 'specials'. 6. Family comes to stay with you. 5. Long distance calls from friends you don't usually hear from. 4. Buying food you don't normally buy - and in large quantities. 3. Days off from work. 2. Candles are your light of choice. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... 1. At some point you wind up with a tree in your house!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Tthis blonde is driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. She's cruisin' about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper. The trucker looks back and sees her on his ass, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his ass, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road. The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically. He asks her, \"Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car!!\" She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, \"While you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle twice!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. \"Are you OK, mister?\" the stewardess asked.\"Yes, I'm fine,\" said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. \"Are you sure you're all right, sir?\"\"Yes,\" the man insisted, \"but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.\"\"I see,\" the stewardess said. \"Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK.\"\"Oh, he's housebroken,\" the man replied. \"The problem is, he's not weaned yet!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!\" \"What do you mean? I'm fine.\" \"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\" \"Well,\" said the pirate, \"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.\" \"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.\" \"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really.\" \"Oh,\" said the bartender, \"what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.\" \"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.\" \"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!\" \"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Dr. is walking down through the hall of the hospital toward his office when he passes Mother Angelica walking very briskly while saying her rosary rather loudly. His associate, a psychiatrist, comes around the corner next and he asks him about this. \"Hey, what's with Mother Angelica? She was just hoofing down the hall and saying her rosary to beat the band.\" \"Aw, I just told her she was pregnant.\" \"My God, is she?\" \"No, of course not, but it sure cured her hiccups!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. \"What's the matter with me?\" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, \"You're not eating properly.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. \"Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?\" \"Sure,\" replied Jesus. \"What do I have to do?\" \"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.\" \"Sounds easy enough. OK.\" So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, \"What was it you did for a living?\" The old man replied, \"I was a carpenter.\" Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. \"Did you have any family?\" he asked. \"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.\" Jesus leaned forward some more. \"You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?\" \"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.\" Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, \"Father?\" The old man leaned forward and whispered, \"Pinocchio?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Do you believe in life after death?\" the boss asked one of his employees. \"Yes, sir,\" the clerk replied.\"That's good,\" the boss said. \"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, \"Just what the hell you are doing?\" \"Well,\" said the guy, \"you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!\" \"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!\" the guy replied. \"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. \"It opens at noon,\" answers the clerk. About an hour, later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker. \"What time does the bar open?\" he asks. \"Same time as before - noon,\" replies the clerk. Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. \"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?\"The clerk then answers, \"It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you.\" \"No! I don't wanna git in, ah wanna git OUT!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in the snow, \"I love you Hillary\". Outraged she asked a secret service agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said, \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender \"What's with the money?\" the bartender replies \"we're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar\" \"ah what the hell. lets give it a try.\" says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. \"first\" says the bartender, \"you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. you have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?\" \"fine\" says the man. the bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender hears lots of yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks \"ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: \"In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away...\" Saying that, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.The Cuban takes out a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: \"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigars and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...\". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it..."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman gets into a cab and gives the cab driver an address all the way across town. When they arrive, the woman says, \"I have no money.\"The cabbie says, \"I have to get paid.\"The woman raises her dress and asks, \"Will this do?\"The cabbie says, \"Don't you have anything smaller?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the onesays, \"I have to get right home!\"\"What's your hurry?\" asks the other.\"Me and the wife are having sex again today\".\"Again? How often do you have sex?\"\"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernickel Bread.\" And he scurried off.As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in.\"Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?\" he asked the lady behind thecounter.\"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread.\"\"I'll take it all.\" the old man blurts out.The lady was surprised and says \"All of it! It will get hard.\"The old man replies \"WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said,\" My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.\" The second deaf man said, \" Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.\" The first deaf man asked, \" So what did you do?\" \"I turned out the light,\" the second man replied."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains: \"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.\" Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, \"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50\" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: \"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?\" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: \"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?\" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mail to all his co-workers, friends, clients, and suppliers that he knows. And then some. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, \"Well, so what IS the answer?\" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man stumbles up to the only other patron in the bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. \"Why of course,\" comes the reply. The first man then asks, \"Where are you from?\" I'm from Ireland,\" replies the second man. The first man responds, \"You don't say. I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland.\" \"Of course,\" replies the second man, and they both pour back their drinks. Curious, the first man then asks, \"Where in Ireland are you from?\" \"Dublin,\" comes the reply. \"I can't believe it says the first man. \"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin!\" The men both continue drinking. Curiosity strikes again and the first man asks, \"What school did you go to?\" \"St. Mary's,\" replied the second man. \"I graduated in '62.\" \"This is unbelievable,\" the first man says. \"I went to St. Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!\" About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. \"What's been going on?\" he asks the bartender. \"Nothing much,\" replies the bartender. \"The O'Mally twins are drunk again.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: \"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer. The man asked, \"How often do I take these?\" \"Let's start off with once every six hours. But they're not for you,\" replied the doctor. \"They're for your wife.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, \"At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.\" \"Can't,\" replied the farmer. \"At night I haul water for the hole.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.\" \"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\" The lawyer looked somewhat confused. \"How do you start a flood?\" he asked."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, \"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?\" \"Why?\" she asks. \"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy is at a bar, laughing with friends when he goes over to watch the bar tender. The bar is nice and clean and the bartender is putting down the finishing touches. The guy goes, \"You seem like a bettin' man.\" The bartender replies, \"everyday of the week except Sunday.\" The guy goes \"I bet you 500$ if I stood on the bar, and you pushed a bar glass under me, I could piss all in it, and not get a wince of it on the bar.\" The bartender laughs and says\" I'll take you on that bet.\" So he goes and gets a glass, while the guy is unzipping his pants.\"Ready\" the bartender goes and the man replies \"FIRE AWAY!\" so the bartender pushes the glass and the guy pisses everywhere but the glass. He zipped his pants on and the bartender starts laughing, and says \"See boy, it can't be done!\" the guy pays him smiling all the way. The bartender asks \"Boy what are you so happy about? You just lost $500\" he replies \" I just bet that man over there I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh about it!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, \"Would you like to dance?\" The girl says, \"I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.\" The guy says, \"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?Dad: That happens in every country, son."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, \"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said \"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.\" The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, \"The only thing I can smell is molasses.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, \"Sure, do that before I kill them!\" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, \"Where is God?\" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked \"Where is God?\" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, \"Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, \"We are in BIIIIG trouble.\" The older boy asked, \"What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?\" his brother replied, \"God is missing and they think we did it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to \"turn on\" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. \"Sorry about the mix up\" says the Pope. \"No problem,\" replies Clinton. \"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.\" Clinton asks, \"Why's that?\" \"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.\"President Clinton replies, \"you're a day late\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. The nearest land was about 20 miles away. Well, they're all getting sick of one another, and the brunette decides to swim the 20 miles to land. So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The redhead is thinking, \"She must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The blonde is left on the island thinking, \"They must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, and gets 19 miles! She can see the beaches and the tall buildings, but she is exhausted! So she puts up her arms... and swims back to the island. :-)"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, \"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?\" The other replied, \"Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. \"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.\" Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question. \"Will I be acquitted?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, \"Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.\" \"My darling,\" he replied, \"I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. \"Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you.\" The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, \"Hold on, you can't bring that in here!\" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, \"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through.\"Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, \"You brought pavement?!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!\"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\"\"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked \"How much is 2+2?\"The housewife replies: \"Four!\".The accountant says: \"I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.\"The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, \"How much do you want it to be?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Attorney to witness: \"And where was the location of the accident?\" Witness: \"Approximately milepost 499.\" Attorney: \"And where is milepost 499?\" Witness: \"About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost 500.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. \"-I know,-\" he says, \"they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.\" They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, \"-Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.-\" At this the priest says, \"-I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.-\" Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says \"-I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.-\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued... Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face. \"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because this looks a little cloudy,\" he said, pointing to the urine bottle. \"Oh, really?\" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it to her lips. \"In that case, we'd better run it through again...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman was talking to her friend about her recent trip to Spokane, Washington. Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. \"I don't know,\" she answered. \"I never got there.\" \"You never got there!\" her friend exclaimed. \"What do you mean?\" \"You know me,\" the woman answered. \"I have to stop at every rest area. Well, they all say 'clean bathrooms' and I can tell you... it takes longer than you think!\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits