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llama_2k_jokes

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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. \"Hello?\" says the little girl's voice. \"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\" \"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\" After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\" \"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\" \"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\" \"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\" \"And what happened?\" \"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\" \"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\" \"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\" There is a long pause................ \"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. \"What are you doing?\" she asked.\"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,\" the daughter-in-law answered.\"But you're naked!\" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\"This is my love dress,\" the daughter-in-law explained.\"Love dress? But you're naked!\"\"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.\"The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\"What are you doing?\" he asked.\"This is my love dress,\" she replied.\"It needs ironing!\" he remarked." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend \" My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.\"The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said \" Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowupBackup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (S)oil pantsBackup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?Backup not found: A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, \"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it\" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, \"Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!\" The young man waited a moment and replied, \"You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.\" His father replied, \"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.\" The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\" The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. \"Oh, no,\" he says, \"everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, \"Will I see you pretty soon?\"\"What's the matter,\" she asked, hurt. \"Don't you think I'm pretty now?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The blind man was out walking with his Seeing Eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head. Having watched what happened, a passerby said, \"Say, why are you patting him?That dog just peed on your leg!\"\"I know,\" said the blind man, \"but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, \"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Professor Papp, turning to woman: Can you believe that the trustees named someone so ugly to be our new dean?Woman: I beg your pardon!Do you know who I am?I'm that ugly man's wife!Professor Papp: And do you know who I am?Woman: No, I haven't had the \"pleasure. \"Professor: Good, then my job's still safe." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, \"Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. \"Then, turning to the airman, he barked, \"Now what do you want?\"\"Nothing important,\" the airman said, \"I just came to install the telephone. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside. \"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within. \"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000. \"The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000. \"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"As you can see, class,\" said the medical school professor pointing to an X-ray, \"this patient limps because his left fibia and tibula are both radically arched. Johnson…what would you do in this case?\"\"Well, ma'am,\" said the student, \"I suppose I'd limp, too. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man dropped by his friend's house to pay him a visit and was amazed to see him playing a game of chess with his dog. After a few minutes he burst out with, \"That's the most incredible dog I've ever seen!\"\"Oh he isn't so smart,\" was the answer. \"I've beaten him three games out of four." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, \"I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?\"\"Yes, I'd like a second opinion. \"\"Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, \"You are going to live to be 100. \" That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, \"You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?\"\"I didn't recognize you,\" replied God." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Joe,\" a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, \"do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?\"\"Like,\" the young teen replied, \"uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it. \"\"It's English class, isn't it?\" replied the smiling teacher." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, the owner of a very large daily newspaper company walked down the halls and greated one of his workers, \"Jones, how long have you been working here?\"Jones replied, \"Ever since I heard you coming down the hall. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $800. The doctor exclaimed, \"This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!\" The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said, \"Neither did I when I was a doctor. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. \"A voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": ">A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. \"The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!\"The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. \"Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There once was a redneck who decided to buy a chain saw. A logging foreman sold him one that he guaranteed would cut down 15 trees in a single day. A week later, a very unhappy redneck cam back to report that the saw must be faulty. He only cut one tree per day. The foreman grabbed the saw, pulled the cord, and the saw promptly went \"Bzzzzzzzz. \"\"Hey,\" demanded the redneck, \"what's that noise?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"I caught a 250-pound marlin the other day!\"\"That's nothing. I was fishing the other day and hooked a lamp from an old Spanish ship. In fact, the light was still lit!\"\"If you bow out the light, I'll take 200 pounds off the marlin. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, \"Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in connection to this, I'd like everyone to read the Mark 17. \"On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, \"Now then, all of you who have done as requested and read Mark 17, please raise your hands. \"Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then said the preacher, \"You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Man: Do you serve breakfast here?Waitress: Sure; what'll it be?\"Man:Let me have watery eggs…some burnt toast…and some weak coffee, lukewarm. Waitress: Whatever you say, sir. Man: Now, are you doing anything while that order is going through?Waitress: Why…no, sir. Man: Then sit here and nag me a while…I'm feeling homesick." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. \"Watch this,\" whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. \"My boy,\" said the hunter, \"you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, the lawyer decided to get away from the pressures of lying to people and go skiing for a week. Just as luck would have it, a few moments after he had just started skiing, he heard a rumbling. In a few seconds he saw a huge mass of snow rushing towards him. Luckily, he was right by a cave and was able to jump in before the snow could get him. Even more luckily, he happened to have some matches with him and was able to start a fire. Back at the resort, people realized that the lawyer had not returned, so a rescue team was sent out in search of him. After a few hours of searching, the team saw smoking coming from within the snow. One dug down and poked his head inside and said, \"Are you there Mr. Jacobson? This is the Red Cross. \"Bristling, the lawyer called back, \"Get lost!I gave at the office!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, \"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!\" The panda yells back at the bartender, \"Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!\" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: \"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, \"Are you crazy? You'll never be able to outrun that bear!\"\"I don't have to,\" the first lawyer replied. \"I only have to outrun you. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A speaker was having a little trouble getting started in his speech. All of the sudden someone from the audience shouted: \"Tell 'em everything you know. It will only take a mintue. \"\"I'll tell e'm what we both know,\" shot back the speaker. \"It won't take any longer. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "While cruising at nearly forty thousand feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. \"My gosh!\" he screamed, \"one of the engines just blew up!\"Other passengers left their seats and cam running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a frenzy now, and even the flight attendant couldn't maintain order. Just then, the tall, smiling pilot came out from the cockpit and assured everyone that things would be okay. His words and his demeanor seemed to calm most of the passengers who sat back down while the captain slowly made his way to the back. He then, calmly took a few packages out from under some seats and handed them to the flight attendants . Each crew member slipped the pack on their backs. \"Say!\" spoke an alert passenger. \"Aren't those parachutes?\"The captain nodded and said they were. The passenger went on, \"But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about!\"\"Their isn't,\" replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. \"We're going to get help. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Young Father O'Reilly, newly ordained, was to hear his first confessions. Anxious to get his ministry off on the right foot, he asked the experienced Father McMartin to sit in and critique his handling of the assignment. At the end of the day the two clergymen sat in the rectory and reviewed O'Reilly's performance. \"Not bad,\" McMartin said, with a catch in his voice. Weighing his words with care, he went on, \"But there is one thing. In the future, I think you should make an effort to say 'I understand' instead of 'Oh, wow!'\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde lived on a farm. He didn't get many visitors, so I went to see him. . . when I got there, he was standing stiff as a board, out in the middle of the cow paddock. I yelled out to him, and asked what he was doing standing out there all still and straight.He replied that he was trying to win a Noble Peace prize. I said, \"Well, that's great, but what are you doing in the paddock?\"He replied, \"I was reading the newspaper, and it said all you had to do to win the Noble Peace prize was to be outstanding in your field. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner. \"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,\" said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, \"He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A timid little man in a restaurant carefully touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. \"Excuse me,\" he said, \"but do you happen to be Mr. Smith?\"\"No, I'm not!\" the man answered impatiently. \"Oh. . . er. . . well,\" stammered the first man, \"you see, I am, and that's his overcoat you're putting on. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. \"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. \"When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. \"Why, that's amazing!\" the doctor says. \"Did you follow my instructions?\"The blonde nods. \"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. \"\"From hunger, you mean?\"\"No, from skipping. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all of the boys would make fun of me. Moe: What did you do?Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, \"This bill is one year old. \"By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: \"Happy Birthday. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. \"Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?\" asked the doctor. \"Sure, after the police leave,\" replied the attorney." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself. She began, \"I think you are the best teacher I've ever had. \" The chair immediately dumped her on the floor. After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked him to tell something of his life. He began, \"I think -\" The next thing he knew, he was sitting in the floor." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, \"Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch on such a hot day, while our boss is sitting in the shade?\"\"I don't know,\" responded the other. \"I'll ask him. \"So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. \"Why are we digging in the host sun while you just sit under the shade of this tree?\"\"Intelligence,\" the boss said. \"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?\"The boss said, \"Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can. \"The ditch-digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss moved his hand just in time and the ditch-digger hit the tree. The boss said, \"That's intelligence!\"The ditch-digger went back to his hole with a soar hand. His friend asked, \"What did he say?\"\"He said we are down here because of intelligence. \"\"What's intelligence?\"said the friend. The ditch-digger put his hand on his face and said, \"Take your shovel and hit my hand.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The loudspeaker of the big jet clicked on and the captain's voice announced: \"There's no cause for alarm, but we felt you should know that for the last three hours we've been flying without the benefit of radio, compass, radar, or navigational beam due to the breakdown of several important components. So, in the broad sense of the word, we are lost and don't know in which direction we're heading. But I'm sure you'll be glad to know that we're making excellent time though!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee \"I'd like to buy that TV\". The employee replies \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says \"I wish to buy that TV\", to which the employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde leaves the store. . . The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says \"I would like to buy that TV\". The employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, \"I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?\". \"Well\", says the man, \"that's not a TV, it's a microwave. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?\"\"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now. \"\"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?\"\"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, \"Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. \" \"That's not so bad,\" said the doctor. \"It's a rather harmless complex. \" \"Well, maybe,\" replied the lady. \"But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, \"Absolutely brilliant…lovely…oh, a fine fellow…a genius, Mozart was. \"The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, \"Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to South Padre Island. \"There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, \"We're leaving right now. \"In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, \"You're really mad about something aren't you?\"\"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, \"Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. \"The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, \"I'll bet that truck won't be there either!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. \"Sid,\" asked Al, \"Are there any Jews in China?\" \"I don't know,\" Sid replied. \"Why don't we ask the waiter?\" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, \"Are there any Chinese Jews?\" \"I don't know sir, let me ask,\" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, \"No, sir. No Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you sure?\" Al asked. \"I will check again, sir. \" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, \"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. \" When the waiter returned he said, \"Sir, no Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you really sure?\" Al asked again. \"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. \"\"Sir, I ask everyone,\" the waiter replied exasperated. \"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, \"Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?\"\"Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. \"\"You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (160,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and getsa thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50. In response to all this goading, GM responds: \"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid says to Barney, \"Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $15 on the lowest score for the day. \" Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. \"Help me find my ball; you look over there,\" he says to Sid. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. \"I've found my ball!\" he announces triumphantly. Sid looks at him forlornly, \"After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for as little as fifteen bucks?\"\"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here. \"\"And a liar, too!\" Sid says with amazement. \"I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . \"Our Father, which art in heaven. . . \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, \"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?\" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, \"Mister, what's your name?\" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, \"You tell me buddy! You tell me!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A village blacksmith working at his open forge hammering a white-hot horeshoe had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to regain his composure. \"Pretty hot, eh?\" asked the blacksmith with a chuckle. \"Naw,\" said the redneck. \"It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The phone rings at FBI headquarters. \"Hello?\"\"My neighbor John Smith is an enemy of the State. He is hiding undeclared diamonds in his woodshed. \"\"We'll take notice of this. \"The next day, the FBI goes to Smith's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no diamonds, apologize to Smith and finally leave. The phone rings at Smith's house. \"Hello, John! Did the FBI come?\"\"Yes. \"\"Did they break up your firewood?\"\"Yes, they chopped it like crazy. \"\"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my vegetable patch plowed. \"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it's lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 300 people. A bystander asks the man, \"What's going on?\" \"My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,\" is the reply. \"Could I borrow your lion?\" asks the bystander. \"I've got a lawyer I'd like to have eaten. \" \"Sorry, but you'll have to get at the end of that line,\" said the man, pointing to the 300 people following the coffin." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Court scene:1st Lawyer: You're a fool2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.Judge: As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can we now proceed with the case?" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Shame And Glory:A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one \"This is for the shame\", and then the second one \"This is for the glory.\" She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one \"This is for the shame\" and then the second one \"This is for the glory.\" She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. \"Ma'am, I was just wondering ... what's this shame and glory about?\" \"Well,\" she replies, \"I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my Great Dane mounted me from behind.\" \"That must be the shame,\" the bartender said. \"No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked together and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, \"Bill, Bill wake up.\" Bill finally wakes up and says, \"What do you want?\" Hillary responds, \"I have to go use the bathroom.\" To which Bill says, \"Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.\" Hillary says, \"No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with \"Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight.\"The little boy said \"But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, \"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.\" The man says, \"Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack.\" \"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.\" \"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death.\" \"Well, then, we need a urine sample.\" \"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar.\" \"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.\" \"I can't do that, officer.\" \"Why not?\" \"Because I'm drunk.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, \"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered.\" \"I think librarians are the easiest,\" said the second. \"When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.\" The third surgeon said, \"I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded.\" \"You're all wrong,\" said, the fourth. \"Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jesus SavesJesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.\" So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. About ten minutes before their time was up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them rebooted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!\" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became very irate: \"Wait! He must have cheated. How did he do that?\"God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, \"1,228.\" \"That's right!\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, \"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l v-v-vibrators h-here?\"The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, \"Uh, yes ma'am. We do.\"The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, \"D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?\"\"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size.\"Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, \"A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?\"\"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big.\" \"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it. The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! \"Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!\" the supervisor yelled. \"Oh,\" said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, \"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Paddy comes home from the pub one night to find his wife in bed with another man. He goes to a drawer and gets a gun. He holds the gun to his head and his wife starts to laugh. Paddy says \"Idon't know what you're laughing at- you're next!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. \"All set back here, Captain,\" came the reply, \"except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the Ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under blazing heat, for 6 days, they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object, floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp (the kind that genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, \"OK, so you freed me from the stupid lamp, but hey, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now an quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get 1 wish and then I'm outta here. Make it a good one.\" The first guy, blurted out, without thinking, \"Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!\" \"Fine,\" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire Ocean to beer. \"Great move, Einstein\", said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the side of the head. \"Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints about poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he was being paged by \"Lucille.\" He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. \"She never leaves a number, so I can't call her back,\" he said. After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. \"She leaves her name,\" was the reply. After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. \"How does she spell her name?\" the service rep asked. \"L-O-W C-E-L-L\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man enters a bar with his pet giraffe. They both sit down and he orders them some drinks. After a while the man and the giraffe both had a quite a lot to drink. The man feels its time to go home and notices his giraffe passed out on the floor and decides to leave him there. The man starts out the door and the bartender yells at the man, \"Hey you can't leave that lyin' on the floor.\" The man was plastered and laughed and said, \"You idiot, that's not a lion that's a giraffe.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A minister told his congregation, \"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.\" The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17.Every hand went up.The minister smiled and said, \"Mark has only sixteen chapters.I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, \"I can't talk, please help me!\" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, \"Put your member on the table here.\" Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' member with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, \"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\" Then the doctor says, \"Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor ask him what happened.\"Well, it was like this,\" said the man. \"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's ass. That's when I made my mistake.\"\"What did you do?\" ask the doctor.\"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to the Mrs.. \"This one here looks like yours!\" A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: \"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.\"\"You foul mouthed swine,\" retorted the lady indignantly. \"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!\"\"Hey, coola down lady,\" said the man. \"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their \"freedom.\" As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, \"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says \"In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!\"The North Korean doesn't blink and says \"Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: \"I'm going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. \"I'm afraid I have some very bad news,\" the doctor says. \"You're dying, and you don't have much time left.\" \"Oh, that's terrible!\" says the man. \"How long have I got?\" \"Ten,\" the doctor says sadly. \"Ten?\" the man asks. \"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" \"Nine...\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argumentabout who was better on his computer. They had been going atit for days, and God was tired of hearing all of thebickering.Finally God said, \"Cool it. I am going to set up atest that will run two hours and I will judge who doesthe better job.\"So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards andtyped away.They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports.They sent faxes. They sent e-mail.They downloaded. Theydid some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did everyknown job. About ten minutes before their time was up,lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rainpoured, and, of course, the electricity went off. Satanstared at his blank screen and screamed every curse wordknown in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of themrebooted their computers. Satan started searchingfrantically, screaming \"It's gone! It's all gone! I losteverything when the power went out!\"Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out allof his files from the past two hours. Satan observed thisand became very irate: \"Wait! He must have cheated.How did he do that?\"God shrugged and said, \"Jesus saves.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. \"You have been sentenced to death,\" said the Chief, \"but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.\" The cowboy thought for a minute and said, \"Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. \"Second wish,\" said the Chief. \"I'll need my horse again,\" said the cowboy. \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. \"This is your last wish,\" said the Chief, \"make it a good one.\" \"I'll need my horse again.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. \"You stupid horse, I said POSSE!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man.When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.After awhile he turned to her and asked \"You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?\"The lady replied \"Of course I do.It is the Bible.\"He said \"Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?She replied \"Oh, Jonah.Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.He asked \"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?\"The lady said \"Well I don't really know.I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.\"\"What if he isn't in heaven?\" the man asked sarcastically.\"Then you can ask him.\"replied the lady." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You may be a redneck if:Your porch collapses and more than six dogs dieYou mow your lawn and find a carYou consider a family reunion as a chance to meet \"Ms. Right\"You grab your boots a jacket and a flashlight to go to the bathroomYour idea of \"safe sex\" is locking the car door" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, \"You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!\"The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, \"It's all right, I've had a course in first aid.\" The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, \"When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. \"What are those for?\" she asked suspiciously. \"I'm a juggler,\" the man replied. \"I use those in my act.\" \"Well, show me,\" the officer requested. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, \"My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the test they're giving now.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Seven Dwarfs Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,\"Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!\" Everyone gets all excited and chants, \"We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.\" The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, \"Go ahead,Dopey, ask him, ask him!\" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, \"Do you have a question to ask me, young man?\"Dopey looks up shyly and says, \"Well, yes.\" The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, \"Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?\"The Pope replies, \"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.\"The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, \"Askhim the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!\" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, \"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?\"To which the Pope replies, \"Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.\"Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, \"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!\" The Pope asks Dopey, \"Is there still more to your question?\"To which Dopey replies, \"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?\"The startled Pope replies, \"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.\"At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, \"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top 20 reasons dogs don't use computers: 20) Can't stick their heads out of Windows '95.19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.17) Too difficult to \"mark\" every website they visit.16) Can't help attacking the screen when they hear \"You've Got Mail.\"15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.11) Still trying to come up with an \"emoticon\" that signifies tail-wagging.10) Waiting for the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome8) 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver.3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master's.leg.2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.1) TrO{ HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH PAzWqS,." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, \"You see that Indian?\" \"Yeah,\" says the other cowboy. \"Look,\" says the first one, \"he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.\" Just then the Indian looks up. \"Covered wagon,\" he says, \"about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon.\" \"Incredible!\" says the cowboy to his friend. \"This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!\" The Indian looks up and says, \"Ran over me about a half hour ago.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Jesus came to Moses in heaven one day & said, \"We've got to do something about this golf thing. No one goes to church any more.\" \"What should we do,\" Moses asked. \"In order to combat this, we've got to know what it is,\" Jesus said. \"Meet me at the golf course tomorrow morning.\" Next morning they start out on their first round of golf, and they come to a par-5 with a water hazard. Jesus says, \"I wonder what Jack Nicklaus would use?\" \"Probably a five iron, but i think you should use a seven,\" Moses says. \"If he can use a five iron,\" Jesus replies, \"then so can I!\" Jesus tees off and the ball goes right in the water. \"No problem,\" Moses says. \"I'll go get the ball.\" He goes to the water, parts it, gets the ball and brings it back. \"I STILL think you should use a seven,\" he tells Jesus. \"If jack can use a five then so can i,\" Jesus retorts. He tees off again and the ball goes right in the water. This time Jesus goes to get it. He walks out onto the water and begins looking for the ball.Meanwhile, another group of golfers comes to the tee. They see Jesus and ask Moses, \"Who does that guy think he is? Jesus christ?\" \"no,\" Moses says. \"He thinks he's Jack Nicklaus.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner \"Mom & Pop\" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. \"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\" \"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\" \"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\"Oh? What was it then?\"\"I think it was the spin cycle!\"" } ]