conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, \"Oh, God! Help me!\" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, \"I thought you didn't believe in Me!\" \"Come on God, give me a break!!,\" the man pleaded. \"Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, \"Hey, buddy, this is my car!\" \"OK,\" the man says. \"You take the front and I'll take the back.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two Welshman walking across a field stumble upon a sheep with its head through a wire fence (it didn't have foot and mouth). The first Welshman drops his trousers and piles into the sheep for 10 mins. After he was finished he asked the second Welshman if he wanted a go?? The second Welshman dropped his trousers and stuck his head through the fence !"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, \"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.\" \"I know,\" the old man said, \"We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.\" \"Well,\" Granny snickered, \"Let's relive some old times.\" Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. \"You know, honey,\" the little old lady breathlessly replied, \"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.\" \"I wouldn't be surprised,\" replied Gramps. \"One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, \"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?\" The gentlemen responded, \"Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much.\" Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work.So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, \"By the way, how did you make out?\"Did your tomatoes turn red?\" \"No\" she replied, \"but my cucumbers are enormous!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. \"I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny.\"Then came the second straight guy. \"Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!\"The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, \"It doesn't look good, Dick.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started to fall.In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about 900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, \"help me!\" But there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail. Finally he yelled, \"is anybody up there?\" A deep voice replied, \"yes, I'm up here.\" \"Who is it?\" \"It's the Lord\" \"Can you help me?\" \"Yes, I can help.\" \"Help me!\" \"Let go.\" Looking around the man became full of panic. \"What?!\" \"Let go. I will catch you.\" \"Is anybody else up there?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old guy goes to the doctor and gets some tests done. The doctor comes back from checking the results and says, \"I have some bad news. You have cancer and you have Alzheimer's.\" The old man replies \"Oh thank god I don't have cancer!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but the she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says \"No, my father said I don't have to do this.\" Her husband says OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. \"I've never been better!\" he boasted. \"I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?\" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, \"Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.\" The doctor continued, \"So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle.\" \"And do you know what happened?\" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied \"No\". The doctor continued, \"The bear dropped dead in front of him!\" \"That's impossible!\" exclaimed the old man. \"Someone else must have shot that bear.\" \"That's kind of what I'm getting at...\" replied the doctor."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young mechanic was repairing the engine of a cardiac surgeon's BMW while the owner waited. The mechanic yelled across the floor to the doctor, \"Hey Doc, can I ask you something?\" The surgeon was a bit surprised but he walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened himself up and wiped his hands with a rag. \"Look at this engine doc,\" he said. \"I open hearts, take out valves, fix 'em, and put 'em back in. When I'm done they'll work just like new. So how come you get the big bucks when I barely have enough to get by?\" The doctor leaned in close to the young man, smiled, and said, \"Try it with the engine running.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression - mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, \"Mama! I have someone for you to meet.\" Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant. Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, \"Why the black panties?\" She replies, \"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.\" He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom. She looks at him and asks, \"What's with this...a black condom?\" He replies, \"I'd like to offer my condolences.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young girl in her mid 20's went to a pub and ordered a Bud light.After she drank it she went to a corner and passed out.A sleezy buisness man saw her and had sex with her.She woke up and left like nothing happend. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Bud light again.She drank it again and passed out.The buisness man saw her again and grabbed two of his pals and they had their evil ways with her.She got up and left the pub like nothing else had happened. On the next day she went to the pub again,ordered the same and passed out again.This time twenty men saw her,built up a orderly line and all had sex with her.She woke up and left the pub. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Coors \"Why do you want a Coors instead of a Bud light?\" the barman asked her.The girl just said \"Because Bud light makes my crotch sore.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day this little boy went on a bus a sat right behind the bus driver. The little boy kept on saying things like \"If my daddy was a elephant and my mommy a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.\" The little boy kept going on using almost all the animals he knew until the bus driver got so p!ssed off that he said, \"What if your dad was gay and your mom a prostitute?\" And the little boy looked at the bus driver, smiled and said, \"I'd be a bus driver!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off , when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog sits in the middle with a seat all to himself.The first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The dog handler says to the first man Don't mind Rover he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne, and I set him to work.Eventually, the plane takes off and when it levels out the handler says to the first manWatch this. He tells the dog\"Rover, search\". The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle to the back of the plane and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handlersarm. He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says,That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note ofthis, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. Fantastic! replies the first man. Once again the man says to the dog \"Rover search\".This time he sent the dog down to the front of their plane.The dogsniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and placesboth paws on the handlers arm He says \"Good boy\", and turns to the first man and says, That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and theseat number. That's marvellous, I never seen anything like it! says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat and this time craps all over the place.The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks What the bloody hell is going on? The handler replies \"Oh god, He's just found a bomb!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Police warn all male clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting public house regulars to be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a woman. There is a drug called \"beer\", that is essentially in liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking statistic is that \"beer\" is available virtually anywhere! All women have to do is buy a \"beer\" or two for almost any guy and simply ask the guy home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. Please! Inform every male you know."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was enquiring about Viagra to a pharmacist. The pharmacist said \"These pills work wonders for me, I can go for 3 hours!I only have to take one pill\" Interested the man asked \"Can you get it over the counter?\"The pharmacists looked startled and replied \"Maybe if I take two pills!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman walked up to the manager of a department store. \"Are you hiring any help?\" she asked. \"No,\" he said. \"We already have all the staff we need.\" \"Then would you mind getting someone to assist me?\" she asked."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly \"I was artificially inseminated this morning.\" \"I don't believe you,\" said Dolly. \"It's true, straight up, no bull!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were having a conversation. A: \"My ears got burnt!\" B: \"How did that happen?\" A: \"You see, I was ironing and the phone rang and instead of picking up the phone I picked up the iron.\" B: \"So how did the second one get burnt.\" A: \"The person called back.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.\"I have good news and bad news,\" the owner replied. \"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.\"\"That's wonderful,\" the artist exclaimed. \"What's the bad news?\"\"The guy was your doctor.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three old women are talking about their aches, pains and bodily dysfunctions. One seventy-five year old woman says, \"I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee.\" An eighty year old woman says, \"My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.\" The ninety year old woman says, \"At seven I pee like a horse, at eight I crap like a cow.\" \"So what's your problem?\" asked the others. \"I don't wake up until nine.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Every time Timmy's mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.\"Gee, it's mighty dark in here,\" Timmy said.\"Yes, it sure is,\" replied the boyfriend.\"You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?\" asked Timmy.\"No way, kid. You're crazy,\" said the boyfriend.\"I'll scream,\" said Timmy.The boyfriend forked over the money.The next day, Timmy's grandmother came to visit and saw him thumbing through a wad of money. \"Where did you get all that money, Timmy?\" she asked, suspecting that he stole it. Timmy wouldn't say.\"Well, if you won't tell me, you'll have to go to confession and tell the priest,\" said Grandma, dragging Timmy off to the church.As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, \"Gee, it's mighty dark in here.\"\"Are you going to start that crap again?\" the priest said."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This women goes into labor.They rush to the hospital.When they are there, the doctor comes in and tells the husband about the new invention they have He says, \"This machine right here makes it easier for the women to have a kid. You strap this to your wrist and the father of the child will feel the pain.Want to give it a try?\"\"Sure, why not.\"So they strap it to his wrist.\"We are going to turn it up to 30% to begin with.\"So they do and the guy feels nothing so they turn it up to 50%.He still can't feel anything so they turn it up to 75%.The guy still feels nothing so they turn it all the way up.The lady has the kid.\"Man, I didn't feel a thing,\" said the guy.\"Ya, me either.\" Said the wife.Later that day the wife and husband go home.When they get home, they find the milk man dead on the back porch."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"To which the gentleman said, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor\"As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, \"I'm a Sperm.\" She will answer, \"I'm the Egg.\" From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. \"Do you understand?\" The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, \"Then, good luck!\"Two days later, the sperm was taking a nap when he heard the siren. He woke up immediately and ran to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swam behind him. He knew he had to arrive first. When he was near the entrance to the cavern, he looked back and saw he was far ahead. Then he was able to swim at a slower pace until he reached the red, sticky ball.When, at last, he reached the red, sticky ball, he brightened up, smiled and said \"Hi, I'm a sperm.\"The red sticky ball smiled and said, \"Hi, I'm a tonsil.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A professor giving a talk to a multinational audience tells a joke about the Germans. Someone at the back of the hall jumps up and protests angrily: \"I'm German!\" \"OK\", says the speaker \"I'll say it again - slowly\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple are coming back from their holidays and they're trying to work out how they're going to smuggle the Skunk they picked up for a very reasonable price at Skunks-R-Us through Customs. The husband suddenly comes up with an idea. He turns to his wife and says \"Put it down the front of your knickers\".The wife looks shocked and asks \"What about the smell?\"\"Well,\" exclaimes the husband \"If it dies, it dies!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"I can't go on like this!\" the woman bawled at her husband. \"My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed.\" \"You should be!\" replied the never-do-well. \"Your uncles don't give us a damn thing.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, \"Okay, Mrs. Smith, what's the problem?\" The mother says, \"It's my daughter Lynda. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.\" The doctor gives Lynda a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, \"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Lynda is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess.\" The mother says, \"Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Lynda?\" Lynda says, \"No mother! I've never even kissed a man!\" The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, \"Is there something wrong out there doctor?\" The doctor replies, \"No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "2 New Zealanders board a QANTAS flight. Later on an Aussie comes along and sits next to them and kicks off his shoes. The New Zealander closest to the window says \"I might have a coke,\" and the Aussie says \" No trubs mate.\" While the Aussies away the New Zealander spits in his shoe. When the Aussie comes back, the other New Zealander says \" I might have a coke too.\" So the Aussie goes \" Alright,\" and walks off to get him a coke. While he's away the New Zealander spits in the other shoe. When the plane lands the Aussie puts on his shoes and knows exactly what has happened and says \" How long does this rivalry have to go on. Spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the first day of University, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: \"The female Halls will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male Halls to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty pounds the first time.\" He continued, \"Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty pounds. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred and eighty pounds. Are there any questions?\" A male student in the crowd inquired: \"How much for a season pass?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, \"I'm on the 7th hole,and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.\" He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, \"I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.\" Once again he thanked her. He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, \"Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.\" He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold. She replied, \"If I told you, you would only laugh.\" \"No, I wouldn't,\" he said. She said, \"I sell tampons.\" With that he fell on the floor laughing hysterically. She said, \"See, I knew you would laugh.\" \"That's not what I'm laughing at,\" he replied. \"I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated the contents of the strange envelope. One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines: \"Port is Left, Starboard is Right.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly man and his wife showed up at a doctors office for an appointment for the old man. Once in the office,the doctor tells the old man he needs a urine sample, as stool sample, and a sperm sample. Now the old man, being hard of hearing asks his wife,\"What, what did he say?\" At which time his wife yells in his ear, \"He wants to see your underwear\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A dog walks into an employment agency and says \"I'd like to get a job please.\". The guy at the employment agency says \"Wow, you could easily get a job at the circus with your talents.\" The dog replys \"What would the circus want with a plumber?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the Christmas gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, \"I built a big house for our mother.\" The second said, \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\" The third smiled and said, \"I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well.So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Ittook elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind.Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.\" Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: \"Milton,\" she wrote one son, \"The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\" \"Gerald,\" she wrote to another, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!\" \"Dearest Fred,\" she wrote to her third son, \"You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In Light of recent years bringing us high profile ,celebrity involved murder cases, namely O.J. and now Robert Blake.Hertz rental car is now offering a cut rate on the Chevy BARRETTA!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were three nuns who suddenly died.All their lives they wanted to go to heaven for when they died, and being nuns they were pretty sure that they would definitely go there. But when they died they went to the gates of heaven and they couldn't get in.They started looking at each other wondering why and suddenly they asked God why. \"Why can't we go to heaven, God, if we were good all our lives, we didn't do anything bad to disappoint you.\" \"To get into the gates of heaven,\"God replied. \"each of you have to pass the ultimate test to see how much you learned in your lifetime.If you pass the test question given you, then the bells of heaven will ring and the gate will open for you.\" So the nuns having no choice decided to follow through. So God said to the first nun, \"Tell me, who was the first person on earth?\" \"Oh, that's an easy one,\" she said.\"The first person on earth was Adam.\" Having answered it correctly the bells rang:ding! ding! ding!And the gates opened and she went in. \"Ok,\" God said to the second nun.\"Who was the first woman on earth?\" \"Oh, that's an easy one.The first woman on earth was Eve.\" Ding! Ding! Ding!The gates open and she goes in. Finally God asked the third nun a question. \"Ok, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?\" The nun thought a while and she said, \"Uhh. . . That's a hard one. . .\" Ding!Ding!Ding!The gates open. . . ."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, \"Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again.\" Lester asks Billy Bob, \"So, what you gonna do this year that's different?\" Billy Bob says, \"This year I'm taking Marie with me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Halloween Party A couple was invited to a masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and a little kiss here, a little kiss there and sometimes a little bit more. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the neighbouring rooms and did something which she would only allow her husband to do. She was quite upset afterwards because her husband could not know that she was his wife. She slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, \"Oh, you know I never have a good time when you are not there.\" Then she asked, \"Did you dance much?\" He replied, \"I did not dance at all. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, John and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But the chap I lent my costume told me that he had a glorious evening.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Fellow orders a triple whisky at the bar and stikes up a conversation with the landlord.Fellow: I shouldn't drink this with what I've Got!Landlord: Why what have you got?Fellow: Fifty Pence!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "These three guys escape from Alcatraz prison. One is british, one is American, and the last one is Turkish. But now they're bored and so they're wandering around thinking of something to do. \"Let's play golf.\" The American finally says. \"I don't know how to play that.\" The Turk says. \"Oh it's easy, \" answers the Brit, \"all you need is a ball, a stick, and a hole.\" \"I got the ball, \" says the American, \"I got the stick, \" says the Brit Then the Turk says, \"I don't wanna play.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There are three blondes walking through the woods, and they come upon a set of tracks.The first blonde says \"Those are deer tracks.\"The second blonde says \"No, those are bear tracks.\"The third blonde says \"You are both wrong, those are moose tracks.\"Then the get hit by a train."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Irish guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. \"What's up ?\" he says. \"I'm having a heart attack\", cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialling, his 4 year old son comes up and says, \"Daddy, Daddy, Uncle Mick's hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on !\" The guy slams down the phone and storms upstairs into the bedroom past his screaming wife and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there's his brother, totally naked cowering on the wardrobe floor. \"You bastard\", says the husband, \"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This guy is cruising at about 90 mph on the highway when a cop flicks on his siren. The guy starts to speed up and so the cop starts to chase him. They get to 120, then 130, and finally 140 mph when all of a sudden the guy stops and pulls over.The cop went up to the guy's window and says \"if you can give me one GOOD reason for trying to outrun me I'll let you go.\" The guy looks at him and says \"Listen, my wife ran off with a cop last week and I thought you where trying to give her back\"The cop looks at the guy and says \"Alright sir you have a nice day.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A company manager was told one day that he had to make one of his staff redundant. He decided that he could probably afford to get rid of either Jack or Jill as they performed similar roles. He decided that over the next few days he would see who was the better worker. Jack came in on time every day, worked hard, did a good job and left work late. Jill came in late, talked half the day, worked half-heartedly and left early. After a few days the boss called Jill into his office. Jill had come in late that morning and looked hungover. The boss said.. \"This is difficult to say, Jill. I have had to make a decision as to whether to lay you or Jack off.\" \"Well you had better jack off\", said Jill, \"because I have a headache.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic week vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, \"Honey, my hands are freezing!\" She says, \"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.\" After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, \"Man! My hands are really freezing!\" She says again, \"Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up.\" He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says,\"Honey,my hands are really freezing!\" She looks at him and says. For crying out loud,... don't your ears ever get cold?!?!?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy went into this bar and saw this man with a shrunken head. Amazed, he goes up to him and asks how it happened.\"I was a sailor who was shipwrecked on an deserted island\" he replies. \"When I was on the island, I saw this woman who looked like she was drowning, so I saved her. She turned out to be this beautiful enchanted mermaid and she offered me three wishes as payment. My first wish was to get off the island and back home. No sooner than I asked did we end up back at my house. My next wish was for money. The next thing you know, my house was filled with bills of all denominations. I couldn't have been happier. When she reminded me of my final wish, all I could think of was how beautiful she was. I wished to make love to her.She told me that it was impossible, seeing how she was a mermaid and all. So I said 'Well, how about a little head?'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, \"This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest members and Polish men have the biggest diameter members. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?\" \"Tonto Stempowski, nice to meet you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Medical\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, \"Do you have something you would like to say?\" Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. \"I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside.\" Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. \"You know,\" he said, \"Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all.\" He unfolded the note and proceeded to read aloud, \"YOU'RE STANDING ON THE OXYGEN TUBE!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this guy who decided he wanted to live with his gay friends in a nudest colony and so he up and quit his job, and moved. He was really happy until he got a letter from his grandma. She told him he was about to die and wanted a picture of him. He got his friend to take a picture of him, and sice he had no clothes, he cut the picture in half. A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandma telling him he needed to get a haircut because it made his nose look long.... he soon realized he had sent her the wrong half."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There's this English couple, Irish couple and Scottish couple playing golf.The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. \"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?\" her husband demanded. \"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any.\" The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,\"For the sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear.\"Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. \"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?\" She replies, \"I can't afford any on the money you give me.\" He reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency here's 20 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!\" Lastly, the Scotsman's wifebends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. \"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?\" She too explains, \"You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any.\" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, \"For the sake of decency here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.\" With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, \"Momma needs a new pair of pants!\" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. \"YES! I WIN! I WIN!\" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, \"What did she roll anyway?\" The other answers, \"I thought YOU were watching!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife \"Mother of Six\" in spite of her objections. One night they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home, and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?\" His wife, irritated by her husbands lack of discretionshouts back... \"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, \"Hi hon,\" he says. \"How do you like your new phone?\" She replies, \"I just love it, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though.\" \"What's that, baby?\" asks the husband. \"How did you know I was at WalMart?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a \"code\" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: \"MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE\" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: \"Satisfaction to the last drop...\" So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: \"ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES\". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: \"FULL SIZE, KING SIZE\" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: \"BRITISH AIRWAYS\" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: \"THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man moved to an unfamaliar area and was very lonely.So he decides to buy some pets.He went walking into town and noticed a man selling chickens.He went up to the man and said: \"I'll take one hen and one rooster.\" The man gladly sold him the birds but warned: \"Sure sir, but just be advised we call them cocks and pullets around here, not roosters and hens.\" The man joyfully left with his two new pets and decided to buy one more.So he came up to a man selling donkeys. \"I'll take that donkey\" he said, pointing a particularly healthy looking donkey. \"Sure sir, but first of all we call them asses around here, not donkeys, and this particular one is pecuilar.She will stop walking after a while, but if she does, just scratch her on the back and she will start back up again.\" So the man bought the donkey and went on his way home.Sure enough, the donkey stopped walking after a while.The man had his hands full with the birds, so he couldn't scratch her.Luckily, a woman walked by.The man looked at her and smiled saying: \"Will you please hold my cock and pull it while I scratch my ass!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this Scotsman who took a well deserved vacation in the German city of Hamburg. Since Hamburg is very known for having many whorehouses, the Scotsman decided he should pay one a visit. He finally arrived at one of the local pleasure houses, the Scotsman started arguing about the price for a good lay. The Scots are as you probably know, not known as big spenders. Finally the madame got tired of arguing and told the Scotsman to go down in the basement where a girl would be lying. For this he only had to pay 5 DM. The Scotsman, of course, became very happy and went down in the basement which was very dark, but he found his lay in the end.After about twenty minutes the Scotsman came up from the basement and the madame asked him about his experience. The Scotsman replied that girl was okay, but she spat in his face every time he was jumping her bones.The Madame then turned and shouted: \"Janitor, the corpse in the basement is full.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks \"Why did you do that?\"The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks \"Why the hell did you shoot them?\" He replies \"Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, \"Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.\" Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, \"Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.\" Well, a couple of days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. His father asked him why he was leaving and the boy said, \"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says \"I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be\"\"Pretty good, Fred\" said St Peter, \"what about you Gianni?\"Versace says, \"I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place\"\"Not bad\" says St Peter. \"What about you Di?\"Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.\"Excellent, you're in\" says St Peter\"Hold on a f*cking minute\" says Freddie \"She didn't even say anything\"\"Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules\" says St Peter, \"A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time....\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An American couple was sitting outside a souvenir shop in the desert, waiting for their tour bus. A local salesman approached them. After an impassioned sales pitch yielded no results, the salesman eyed the wife thoughtfully. \"I'll give you 100 camels for your wife,\" he offered. The husband looked stunned, and there was an awkward silence. Finally he replied, \"She's not for sale.\" \"What took you so long to answer?\" the wife cried indignantly as soon as the salesman left. \"Well,\" her husband replied, \"I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little colour for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburned on his\"tool of trade\". Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation. The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young Man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused, went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief from his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to find him with his unit immersed in a glass of milk. Baffled, the blonde exclaimed, \"So, THAT'S how you load those things!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde had just bought two horses but she couldn’t tell them apart. She went and asked a neighbour for some help \"I can't tell these horses apart\" she said.The neighbour told her to cut the tail of one of them off. So the blonde cut off the tail, and that worked great until the other one got it's tail cut off too. So, the blonde goes and tells the neighbour \"I can’t tell them apart again!”.Well says the neighbour “Try cutting off the tip of one of the horses ears.” So the blonde cuts off the tip of the ear. That also worked great until the other one got a part of it's ear cut off. The Blonde goes back to the neighbour and tells him what happened. The neighbour says well measure them that will work for sure. It worked a treat since the white one was 6 inches taller than the black one!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a really clever blonde, Tinkerbell, Santa Claus and a really clever brunette all in a competition to win a million Pounds. The question is \"Which one won it?\"The really clever brunette cos none of the others exist."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON'T BEAT ME UP 2. WON'T RUN AWAY 3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, 'Who are you and what do you want?' 'Hi,' said the man 'Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away.' The old woman asked, 'What makes you think you're so great in bed?' To which he replied, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at herand says,\"Kin ya swaller?\" The woman shakes herhead, no. \"Kin ya breathe?\" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the backof her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboywalks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, \"Ya know, I'd heard of that there \"Hind Lick maneuver\", but I ain't never seen nobody do it before.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, \"Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?\"When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. \"God Almighty!!\" shouted Mary and the teacher said, \"Very good\", and Mary fell back asleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, \"Who is our Lord and Savior?\" But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. \"Jesus Christ!!\" shouted Mary and the teacher said, \"Very good\", and Mary fell back asleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. \"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?\" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, \"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!!\" The teacher fainted."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman went to a tattoo parlor. The artist was curious at her unsual request: A turkey on one leg and a ham on the other. The woman looked at the artist and said\"My husband complains there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a construction foreman looking for laborers, he posted an add in the local newspaper a short time later a stout Norweigan man named Bjorn showed up an said \"Herlo job foreman sir, when do I start the yob?\".Knowing the Norweigan was probably dumb as a post he decided to test the lad so he told the man \"without using any numbers I want you to make nine\" the Norweigan looked around and picked up a stick and proceeded to draw three trees in the dirt, \"there ya go job foreman guy when do I start?\"Annoyed, the forman replied \"How do you figure that makes nine?\" \"Well tree plus tree plus tree makes nine.\", \"Yeah, okay smart guy,\" retorted the foreman, \"now without using any numbers make ninety nine.\" So without skipping a beat, the Norweigan grabbed, a shovel and scooped up some mud and proceeded to drop a dollop of mud on each tree, \"there ya go foreman guy when do I start?\"Infuriated at this point that the man was so quick, he asked \"How's that ninety nine?\" \"Well ya see, dirty tree plus dirty tree plus dirty tree isa ninety nine.\" \"Make one hundred\" demanded the foreman, positive that there was no way neandrathal Norweigan could oblige. Once again the man used the shovel this time scooping up a pile of dog poop, evenly dropping a bit under each tree, \"OK! job foreman guy, where do you want me to be startin first?\"\"Alright wise-guy, explain how the heck is that to make 100?\" \"Okay,\" said the witty Norweigan, \"dirty tree and a tird plus dirty tree and a tird plus dirty tree and a tird dat makes 100!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "On the local rock radio station the DJ was reading out some requests. \"This is a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's one hundred and eleven!\" Puzzled by how someone could be that old and listening to rock music, he re-read the message on the sheet of paper in front of him, and then said \"Oh, sorry, I read that wrong; it's a special birthday dedication to Sarah who's ill.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. \"I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?\" he asked hesitantly. \"No, I don't.\" \"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway.\" And he turned and made gratefully for the door. \"Hang on a sec, young man,\" the executive called out. \"You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all.\" \"Thank you, sir, ever so much,\" said the salesman gratefully, presenting him with the papers. The sales manager signed with a flourish. \"And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade.\" \"Quite right sir, good idea,\" said the salesman, grinning; \"Always useful. Actually, the one I used just now is for sales managers.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A budding actor: \"Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years.\" Father: \"That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An architect, an artist and an Accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.The Accountant guy said \"I like both.\"\"Both?\" The others asked. The Accountant guy replied \"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A duck walks into a bar and says, \"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"No.\" The duck says,\"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"I said N-O, NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO\" \"Got any bread?\" \"Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!\" \"Got any nails?\" \"No\" \"Got any bread?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, \"Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.\" The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, \"Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, \"This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains \"This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail.\"The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, \"I'll tell men this is your butt before jail.\"Then he points to the large circle saying.\"This is it after.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man went to church to confess to the priest.The priest says,\"what do you need to confess?\" The man tells him,\"well during the war I hid a German lady in my closet and they never found her.\" The priest say,\"well that's alright you saved her life, do you have anything else to confess?\" The man tells the priest,\"yes, I told her the only way I would hid her is only for sexual favors.\" The priest tells him,\"You know you did wrong there, right.\" The man says,\"yes.\" The priest ask him,\"is that all?\" The man says,\"no,I need to ask you a question.\" The preist says,\"what is it?\" The man says to the priest,\"Do I have to tell her the war is over?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three ducks go to heaven.The first duck waddles up to St. Peter and St. peter asks \"What happened, you know, how did you die?\" The duck replies, \"I was just minding my own buisness, floatin' along in the water, i stuck my head under, started blowin' bubbles and a boat ran over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The second duck walks up and St peter asks the duck the same question, \"What happened?\" The duck replies, \"Same thing here, i was just minding my ouwn buisness, floatin' in the water, stuck my head under the water, started blowin' bubbles, then a boat runs over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The third duck walks up and St. Peter asks, \"Let me guess, a boat ran you over?\" The duck shakes his head and replies, \"Nope, I'm Bubbles\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, \"It's not a ship.\" The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, \"It's not a boat.\" The speck gets even closer and he thinks, \"It's not a raft.\" Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, \"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?\". \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, \"Man, oh man! Is that good!\" Then she asks, \"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?\". He replies, \"Ten years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, \"Wow, that's fantastic!\" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, \"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?\" And the man replies, \"My God! Don't tell me you've got an internet connection in there!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, \"We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And the gentleman answered, \"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.\"Merv got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" and she replied: \"Well, you have no ears.\"Merv again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:\"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And to his surprise, the young man answered: \"Yes. You wear contact lenses.\" Merv was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?\"The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Harold is 82 and having some prostate problems.After examining him, the doctor gives him a specimen jar and says, \"Take this home with you, and try toproduce a semen specimen. Stop by tomorrow and drop it off so I can run a few tests.\"Harold takes the jar and heads home.The next day, Harold comes in and asks to speak with the doctor.When he is taken into the office, the doctor asks how hemade out.\"Not good, Doc.\" Says Harold.\"I went home and tried to do what you said. I tried with my right hand 'til it was cramped from the arthritis...no luck. I tried with my left hand, until I had blisters...still no luck. \"Then I asked my wife to help me out, so she tried with her left hand and then with her right hand...no luck. She even tried with her mouth. She tried with her teeth in, and she tried with her teeth out...still no luck.\"Then we called Edna, next door, to see if she could help...\" \"Good Grief man!\" exclaimed the doctor,\"You asked your next door neighbour to help you?\"\"Yep.\" Says Harold, \"Couldn't none of us get the lid off that jar.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, \"We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you.\" Thinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads.\"According to this, you have tennis elbow.\" \"But there's nothing wrong with my elbow,\" the man replies. \"It's my head\". The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again. When he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, \"I'll show that doctor.\" So he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by The next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout. \"Well, what does it say?\", the man asks,laughing. \"According to this,\"the doctor replies,\"your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A veterinarian surgeon had a bad day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner. After dinner, they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. \"Is this the vet?\" asked an elderly lady's voice. \"Yes, it is,\" replied the vet, \"Is this an emergency?\" \"Well, sort of,\" said the elderly lady, \"There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating, and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?\" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied, \"Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone.\" \"Really?\" said the elderly lady, \"Will that stop them?\" \"Well, it should,\" said the vet, \"It stopped ME!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: \"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.\" The husband,rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. \"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: \"Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Ispired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, \"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless.\" With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, \"Momma needs a new pair of pants!\" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. \"YES! I WIN! I WIN!\" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, \"What did she roll anyway?\" The other answers, \"I thought YOU were watching!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, \"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.\" \"Hmmm,\" said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, \"Here, try these on.\" So she did and said, \"These are too large, they don't fit me.\" So Jack said,\"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that.\" Then Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, \"Here, you try on mine. \"So he did, and said, \"I can't get into your pants.\" So Jill said, \"Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off. So one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says \"tomorrow night honey\". That night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her. she screams \"You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me.\" So the husband says \"I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "TRUE BLONDEA young brunette goes into the doctors office and says that her body hurts whever she touches it. \"Impossible\", says the doctor. \"show me\".She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.She pushes her knee and screams, she pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches make her scream.The doctor says, \"Your not really a brunette, are you?\"No, im a blonde, she says.\"I though so\", he says. \"Your finger is broken.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:\"I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole\".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires \"What's this 5 dollar bill for\"?The grandfather replies, \"Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits