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llama_2k_jokes

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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman was in the South of France and could not understand why Pierre had attracted so many girls on the beach and he had attracted no one. So he asked Pierre, \"How do you manage to attract all the girls and I attract no one?\" Pierre said, \"Take a potato and tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.\" So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and down the beach. After a great many hours, however, he still failed to arouse a woman. So the Irishman went to see Pierre again and said, \"I've tried it Pierre, it doesn't work!\" Pierre took one look at the Irishman and said, \"You might try putting the potato in the front of your bathing suit!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"I have a bad headache. I'll visit the doctor.\"\"Nonsense, yesterday I had a headache, I dashed home, gave a big kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don't you try it?\"\"Good idea, call up your wife and tell her I'll be right over.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two boys are playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. \"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal\", he starts writing in his notebook. \"But I'm not a Niners fan,\" the boy replies. \"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack,\" the reporter starts again. \"I'm not a Raiders fan either,\" the boy says. \"Then what are you?\" the reporter says. \"I'm a Cowboys fan!!!\" The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, \"Redneck bastard kills family pet.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, \"You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.\"\"Well,\" said the other woman,\" that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. \"What's going on?\" she yells out the window. \"Cow on the track!\" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, \"What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Military\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: \"Ames\" \"Here!\" \"Jenson\" \"Here!\" \"Jones\" \"Here!\" \"Magersky\" \"Here!\" \"Seeback\" No answer. \"Seeback!\" No answer was heard again. \"SEEBACK!!!\" The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, \"Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.\" Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says \"I'll take this option.\" \"Fine,\" says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. \"That was Bill Gates!\" cried Lucifer. \"Why did you give him the best place of all?\" \"That's what everyone thinks,\" snickered Satan. \"The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't.\" \"What about the PC?\" \"It's got Windows 95!\" laughed Satan. \"And it's missing three keys.\" \"Which three?\" \"Control, Alt and Delete.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, \"Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways.\" The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, \"It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?\" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, \"I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, \"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.\"The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.\" The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \"Just follow my lead. They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, \"Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.\"The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, \"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The guy at the door says, \"A Doberman Pinscher?\" He says, \"Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.\" The guy at the door says, \"Come on in.\" The guy with the Chihuahua figures, \"What the heck,\" so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.The guy at the door says, \"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.\" The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.\" The guy at the door says, \"A Chihuahua?\" The guy with the Chihuahua says, \"You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates. St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord . He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter. Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell. St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out. Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks? St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open.A lady cashier walked up to him and said, \"Your barracks door is open.\" This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, \"Your fly is open.\"He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his \"barracks door.\" He was planning to have a little fun with her.When he reached her counter he said, \"When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?\" The lady thought for a moment and said, \"No, no I didn't.All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?\" \"Look, I can't prescribe...\" \"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me.\" The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. \"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.\" \"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold...\" \"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?\" \"Um, okay.\" The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, \"I...need...a man\" His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, \"Me...too...\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born. The nurse came out and told the first father, \"Congratulations, you're the father of twins!\" \"It figures,\" the first father said. \"I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins.\" Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, \"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!\" \"It figures,\" the second father said. \"I work for 3M.\" At that the third father fainted dead away. The second father turned to the first and asked, \"What's the matter with him?\" The first father replied, \"He works for 7-Up!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two brothers, John and Richard lived in the same town. John with his 12 year old cat, Richard with their 88 year old Mother. John's whole life was his cat. He never went anywhere without her. One day he was faced with a terrible decision. He had to go to England on business for his company and he could not take the cat into England with having to quarantine her for 14 days. He wouldn't do that so he was faced with either losing his job or leaving his cat. Finally he decided to trust his brother with the cat for the week he would be gone. He gave Richard detailed instructions, schedules, food, etc. Finally he flew to London and called Richard every few hours to make sure Gracie the cat was ok. 4 days of this went by and John was really getting to be a pain in the neck. On the fifth day when he called, John asked Richard how Gracie was and Richard told him. \"Gracie is dead!\" Well as you can imagine, John nearly had a heart attack. When he recovered he said to Richard, \"that was the most cruel thing I ever heard. You know how much I loved that cat, why couldn't you have broken it to me gently. You know like when I called said something like, 'well she's OK but she is up on the roof.' And then when I called the next time, tell me 'oh oh, bad news, she fell off the roof and she's at the vets'. And then the next time break the news that she passed away. At least I would have been a little prepared for the bad news.\" \"Yes, you are right John. I am sorry for being so heartless.\" John accepted Richard's apology for being so uncaring, and then said, \"oh, by the way, how's Mother?\" Richard then said, \"well, John, she's OK, but she's on the roof!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been travelling in circles. \"We're lost!\" One of the men complained. \"I thought you said you were the best guide in the United States.\" \"I am,\" the guide answered, \"but I think we may be in Canada now.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\" So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\" Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\" Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. \"Mr. President,\" said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, \"there's good news and bad news.\" \"Oh, no...\" muttered the President, \"Well, let me have the bad news first.\" \"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet.\" \"Gosh, and the good news?\" \"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day,little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. \t Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, \"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?\" \"Of course, Son, we're a family.\" So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. \"Hang on Dad!\", cries Mikey, \"this is where the mailman usually falls off!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her, everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, \"First, you must wear a diaphragm.\" Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, \"You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm.\" The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. \"Well, what's the second condition?\" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, \"You must be back home by 2:00 A.M. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2 A.M... At 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, \"Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!\" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, \"I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other....\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman goes to the doctors, and says, \"Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.\" The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. \"Well, what is it?\" he asks. \"It's a bit embarrassing,\" she replies, \"These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.\" The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, \"Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?\" The woman blushes and says, \"Well, actually I have.\" \"That's the problem,\" the doctor says, \"Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" he said to the bartender. \"We got her!\" replied the barkeeper. \"She's upstairs in the second room on the right.\" The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, \"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!\" The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, \"You found her!\" Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. \"How do you know I want to do it in that position?\" asked the miner. \"I don't,\" replied the whore, \"but I thought you might like to open those beers first.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, \"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.\" \"Dear,\" the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, \"I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple on vacation was driving their RV through Wisconsin. As they approached the town of Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth as they entered the town, and continued to bicker while they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter the husband asked the cashier, \"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?\" The girl leaned over the counter and said, \"Burrrrrr-gerrrrrr-Kiiiing.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. \"All this was just too wonderful for words,\" he said, \"but what's the dollar for?\" \"Well,\" she said, \"last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'SCREW him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist. They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. \"Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the bannister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, \"Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!\" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, \"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, \"The tooth fairy will never believe this!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, \"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart... \"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?\" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. \"NO!\" all the children answered. \"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?\" Again the answer was, \"NO!\" \"Well,\" I continued, \"then how can I get to heaven?\" A five-year-old boy shouted, \"You gotta be dead!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, \"Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!\" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a \"little tap\" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, \"Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, \"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. \"The secret,\" she said, \"is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.\" The boy looked at her quizzically: \"Why does it have to be a secret?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, \"What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. That's a hardware problem. A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Field Service Engineers does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell. Field Service Engineers are always in the dark. A: 2. One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc)" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How long will it take for a field service engineer to change a light bulb? A: That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A:None. Zen masters carry their own light." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, ''This page intentionally left blank,'' and 20% of the definitions are of the form ''A" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never was any light bulb. Notes: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: how many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: the question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Notes: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many ''pro-lifers'' does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: 2 to screw in the bulb and 4 to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. A: None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile..." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A: Only one. ''Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?''" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as it takes to make a pile big enough to climb on to reach the bulb. Notes: Ugh!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.)" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say ''Sock it to Me.'' (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from Laugh In.)" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew P., [email protected]" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). A: It's out?? Sell my G.E. stock NOW!" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: How many libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"Bill Clinton's official portrait was unveiled at the White House yesterday. Don't kid yourself, there's already trouble. Yesterday, Clinton's portrait was caught hitting on Dolly Madison's portrait.\" —David Letterman" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, \"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.\" The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. \"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.\" Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, \"All right buddy, what's your name?\" \"Sam,\" the man moaned. \"Where ya from, Sam?\" With pain in his voice Sam replied \"The balcony.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, \"What are you up to there, Nancy?\" \"My goldfish died,\" replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, \"and I've just buried him.\" The neighbor was concerned, \"That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?\" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, \"That's because he's inside your stupid cat.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. \"I NEED FOOD!\" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. \"NO!\" Joe retorts. \"We promised.\" Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. \"Just for that, I'm not going.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room. When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, \"My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?\" The first dog replies grimly, \"I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all.\" The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, \"The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!\" \"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?\" says the first dog. The third dog answers, \"Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer rears 25 young hens and one old cock. As the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer buys one young cock from the market and puts it in the pen with the old cock and the hens... Old Cock: Welcome to the farm. We'll work together towards productivity. Young Cock: Whattya mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired. Old Cock: Young boy, there are 25 hens here, can't I help you with some? Young Cock: No! Not even one, all of them will be mine. Old Cock: In this case, I challenge you to a competition and, if I win, you let me have one hen. If I lose you have them all. Young Cock: Okay. What kind of competition? Old Cock: 50-yard dash. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 yards. Young Cock: No problem! We race tomorrow morning. Confidently, the following morning, the Young Cock allows the Old Cock to start off and when the Old Cock crosses the 10-yard mark, the young cock chases him with all his might. He was right behind the old cock in a matter of seconds and -- BANG! Before he can overtake the old cock, he is shot dead by the farmer, who sighs and says, \"Damn. That's the fifth gay chicken I bought this week.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert. When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says,''What are all of those for?'' The animal control officer says, ''I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.'' The man asks, ''What is the gun for?'' The animal control officer responds, ''If I fall first, you shoot the dog!'''" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day a poor old lady found a dollar and with that dollar she bought a lottery ticket. She won the lottery! She bought a house and a dog. She said to herself, \"What should I name my house?\" And she looked around and she saw a guy mooning her so she decided to name her house \"Butt\" Then she needed a name for her dog. So she looked around and saw a crack house so she named her dog \"Crack\". One day about a month later she woke up and couldn't find her dog. She looked all over the house and she couldn't find it anywhere! So finally she called the cops and said, \"Police please help me I've looked all over my Butt but I can't find my Crack!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home. The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there. Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, \"Jen is the cat there?\" \"Yes, why do you ask?\" answered the wife. Frustrated the man said, \"Put that cat on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. \"But sir,\" said the clerk, \"you have the best room in the hotel.\" \"I insist on another room!!!\" said the drunk. \"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?\" asked the clerk. \"Well, for one thing,\" said the drunk, \"it's on fire.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, \"I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees.\" Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that. The man replied, \"Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, \"Come out and fight like a man!\"." } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, \"I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks.\" He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, \"Here...paint my house.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,\"Without you we are but dust... \" He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter(who waslistening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, \"Mom, what is butt dust?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "This guy suspects his wife is cheating on him. He comes home early and she meets him at the door in a bathrobe, her hair a mess. \"Where is he?\" he shouts. \"Where's the guy who's been sleeping with you?\" \"I don't know what you're talking about\" she says so he tears the house apart looking for this guy. Finally he's on the second floor, in the kitchen, he looks out the window and sees some guy sitting in a Volkswagen. \"Aha!\" he thinks, \"That's the guy who's been sleeping with my wife.\" He's so furious he picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window at the guy, has a heart attack and dies. So St. Peter meets him at the gates of Heaven and asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"Well, I knew my wife was cheating on me so I came home early from work, saw him sitting in his Volkswagen out on the street, threw the refrigerator at him, I had a heart attack and died.\" St. Peter says \"You don't belong here; go to Hell.\" He pulls a big lever, a trap door opens up and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in my Volkswagen, minding my own business, when suddenly somebody throws a refrigerator at me.\" St. Peter wags his finger and says \"I heard about you... you go to Hell too.\" He pulls the lever and the guy disappears. A few minutes later another guy comes up to St. Peter at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks \"What are you doing here?\" The guy says \"I don't know! I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business...\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, \"Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost.\" \"What do you mean almost?\" question the priest. \"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.\" \"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,\" explains the priest. \"You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.\" The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, \"I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!\" \"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,\" Say, Father, what causes arthritis?\" \"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath.\" \"Well, I'll be damned,\" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. \"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?\" \"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope has it real bad.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, \"Having children is an act of God!\" In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... \"Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, \"Sorry, pal. No pets allowed.\" The man replied, \"This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see.\" The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, \"Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips.\" The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. \"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?\" asked the bartender. The man replied, \"I don't know. I've only had him for seven years.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, \"You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.\" \"That's right, Coach,\" replied the lineman. \"But, she's much better!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. \"Can you tackle?\" asked the coach. \"Watch this,\" said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. \"Wow,\" said the coach. \"I'm impressed. Can you run?\" \"Of course I can run,\" said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. \"Great!\" enthused the coach. \"But can you pass a football?\" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. \"Well, sir,\" he said, \"if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, \"So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?\" \"Oh, no,\" Baby Bear replied, \"I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me.\" \"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear,\" answered the judge. \"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me.\" \"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?\" Baby Bear said, \"I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: \"R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!\" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!\" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling \"R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!\" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, \"He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls.\" After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, \"Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, \"You can't bring that dog in here.\" \"You don't understand,\" says the man. \"This is no regular dog, he can talk.\" \"Listen, pal,\" says the bartender. \"If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. \"The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, \"What's on top of a house?\" \"Roof!\" \"Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?\" \"Bark!\" \"And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?\" \"Ruth!\" \"I guess you've heard enough,\" says the man. \"I'll take the hundred in twenties.\" The bartender is furious. \"Listen, pal,\" he says, \"get out of here before I belt you.\" As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, \"Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. \"Son\" he said, \"I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?\" The boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.\" \"What was that?\" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, \"Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.\" \"Look,\" said the old man, \"I can't understand a word you're saying.\" The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... \"You have to keep the worms warm!\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two young blonde women were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one ball about three feet from the cup, while the other ball somehow had gone directly in. The blondes tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions the pro asked, \"Okay, so who was playing the yellow ball?\"" } ]
[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sports\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. \"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?\" he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. \"Are you sure?\" the friend persisted. \"What happens if you lose that ball?\" The other guy replied, \"This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one.\" \"Well,\" the friend asked, \"what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?\" \"That's okay,\" he replied, \"This special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it.\" \"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?\" The other guy replied, \"That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back - no problem.\" Exasperated, the friend asks, \"Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?\" \"No problem.\" says the other guy, \"You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark.\" Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, \"Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?\" The other guy replies, \"I found it.\"" } ]