conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Things To Do During Pet Appreciation Week:1. Lick your dog's face.2. Get your dog a bone and bury it for him.3. Mark your territory by peeing on the couch.4. Bring your cat a dead bird.5. Make a real effort to learn to purr.6. Spend a day with your head stuck in a bird cage.7. Spend quality time with your pet rolling around in something really awful.8. Sniff your neighbor's butt.9. Bite the mailman.10. Eat supper on the floor."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A rather strange guy walked into a shoe store wanting to buy some new alligator shoes. The clerk quoted a price of $250.00.The guy replied, \"This is an outrage. There is no way I will pay that kind of money for a pair of shoes. I can shoot an alligator and get shoes for less than that.\"The clerk answered, \"Well, lady, I think you should do that.\"Later that day, the clerk was driving through the bayou and found the guy standing waist deep in the swamp with a rifle pointed at a huge, mean-looking alligator swimming toward her. She pointed the gun and shot it, then dragged it out of the water.The clerk was surprised to see a good 20 dead alligators lying on their backs. The blonde rolled the alligator over she had just shot and exclaimed, \"DARN! That one isn't wearing shoes either!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well-mannered professional torturer?A. The torturer would apologize first.Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?A. Someone on the other side could still walk.Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?A. They both tear hams into shreds.Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain & agony?A. Unemployed.Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,\" sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.\"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment,\" replied the witness."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, \"You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.\"On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, \"Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?\"\"Yes\" the mother answered.\"And how is your son now?\" he asked.\"Who cares?\" she replied."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: \"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\"\"Now,\" he concluded, \"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, \"Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?\"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. \"I can't,dear,\" she said. \"I have to sleep in Daddy's room.\"A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:\"The big sissy.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business started going bust and he found himself in serious financial trouble. He was so desperate that he decided to pray for help.\"Oh Lord, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto\".Lotto night arrived and somebody else won the prizeJoe again looked up and prayed...\"Oh Lord, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well\".Again, Lotto night came and went and Joe still had no luck.Once again, he prayed...\"Oh, Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order ... \"Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens opened and Joe was confronted by the voice of the Lord himself:\"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE ... BUY A TICKET!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?A: A pitbull.Did you hear about the new dog breed in pet shops? They crossed a pitbull with a collie. First it bites your leg off and then it goes for help."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs?\" the distraught woman asked, between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied, \"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately,\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them?\"\"No,\" replied the Seer somberly.\"But he didn't ask for matches.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You Know You're a Mother When ...1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.2. You have the time to shave only one leg at a time.3. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.4. Your kid throws up and you catch it.5. Some one else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.6. You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.7. You've mastered the art of placing large quanitities of pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.8. Your child insists that you read \"Once Upon a Potty\" out loud in the lobby of Grand Central Station and you do it.9. You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons, your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.10. You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.11. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.12. You hate the thought of his wife even more.13. You find yourself cutting your husbands' sandwiches into cute shapes.14. You can't bear to give away baby clothes - it's so final.15. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, \"NOT in your good clothes!\"16. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.17. You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.18. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.19. You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.20. You say at least once a day, \"I'm not cut out for this job\", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. \"Why are you eating grass?\", he asked one man.\"We don't have any money for food.\", the poor man replied.\"Oh, come along with me then.\"\"But sir, I have a wife with two children!\"\"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!\", he said to the other man.\"But sir, I have a wife with six children!\" The second man answered.\"Bring them as well!\" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says \"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.\"The rich man replied \"No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about two meters tall!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An English professor wrote the words, \"Woman without her man is nothing\" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: \"Woman, without her man, is nothing.\"The women wrote: \"Woman! Without her, man is nothing.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, \"You're lying!\".The other politician responded, \"I know, but hear me out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, \"I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf. I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse. That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.\"Oh, carrying him wasn't that hard,\" said his friend, sadly. \"The difficult part was putting him down... and then picking him up again after every stroke.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, \"medium.\"Then the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\"Hillary replied, \"Oh, he can order for himself.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, \"s\" will be used instead of the soft \"c\". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard \"c\" will be replaced with \"k.\" Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced by \"f\". This will make words like \"fotograf\" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent \"e\"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" by \"z\" and \"W\" by \"V\". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest went to buy a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't swear?\" asked the priest.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assured him. \"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" said the priest, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!\" screeched the parrot."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up.They decided to party instead.Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study. The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to twoseparate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.As each sat down, they read the first question.\"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom.\"At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease. Then, the test continued. \"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, \"Ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where's the money?\"The deaf replies, \"I don't know what you're talking about.\" The interpreter tells the hood, \"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.\"The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. \"NOW ask him where the money is.\"The interpreter signs, \"Where is the money?\"The deaf man replies, \"The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate .\"The interpreter says to the hood, \"He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton falls into a lake and cannot swim and three boys rescue him. Bill tells them \"I'll give you anything you want for saving my life\".So Bill asks the first boy what he wants and the first boy says he wants a Ferrari. Bill says fine.Bill asks the second boy what he wants and the second boy says he wants a brand new computer. Bill says okay.Then Bill asks the third boy what he wants. The third boy says he wants a motorized wheelchair. Bill asks \"Why do want a wheelchair, you look very healthy?\" The third boy says \"I'll need a wheelchair when my father finds out we saved you from drowning\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, \"The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.\"\"Well, sir,\" the attendant replied with a grin, \"You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. \"Can you change this for me, please?\" he asked. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, \"Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, \"Rest in Peace\". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,the florist replied, \"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle.After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time.After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, \"Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?\"Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, \"We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?\"\"That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!\" says Dan to his lovely wife. \"You know, sometimes you're just too smart,\" as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek.The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating \"CLINTONS SPLURGE ON SOLID GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE\" Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, \"Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Dog1. If it itches, you can reach it.And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.2. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.3. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.4. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.5. No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.6. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.7. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.8. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.9. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.10. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the men's room at work, the Boss had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- \"Think!\"The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- \"Thoap!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.Joe wrote, \"The office workers should all be given raises!\"When he looked at Frank's card, it said \"Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick's Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King's Birthday?\"Joe said, \"Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here. . . . You shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Prime Minister Netanyahu and the Pope have a meeting to explore ways of finding an equitable settlement to the escalating problems in the Middle East.After days of getting nowhere, they decide in desperation to settle their differences by means of a golf match. The agreement is that if the Vatican's player wins, the Pope's views will prevail; if Israel's player wins, Netanyahu's methods will be employed.The Pope decides to recruit Arnold Palmer for the job, but his advisors object that Palmer isn't even a Catholic. \"Not to worry,\" says the Pope. \"We'll make him a Cardinal.\" Palmer is promptly ordained.The match is played, with the entire world aware that the fate of peace in the Middle East is riding on the outcome. Palmer loses.The Pope phones him after the match and gasps in disbelief, \"Arnold, what happened?? We were sure you couldn't possibly lose!\"Palmer replies, \"So was I, Father I'm devastated. I trained for weeks to prepare for this match. But who could know I'd be up against Rabbi Tiger Woods?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome.The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers.\"What is that phone for?\" he asks the pontiff.\"It's my direct line to the Lord!\"The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him.After hanging up the Rabbi says. \"Thank you very much. This is great!But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.\" The Pope, of courserefuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in.He checks the counter on the phone and says:\"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira.\"The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills.A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official \"visit\".In the Chief Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord.The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divineconsultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone.The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away.After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges.The Rabbi looks on the phone counter and says: \"1 Shekel 50!\"The Pope looks surprised: \"Why so cheap!\"The Rabbi smiles: \"Local call.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three women were talking about their sons.One woman said that her son is a priest and every time he walks into a room people bow their head and say \"Father\".The second woman said that HER son was a cardinal and every time he walked into a room people bowed their head and said \"your Grace\".The third woman was silent. The other two women looked at her and said, \"what about your son?\"The woman replied, \"He's about six foot four, has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Every time he walks into a room people look up and say \"Oh my God!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The professors of mathematics and physics were staring away at the flag pole in front of the front of the college building.The professor of English walking by asked, \"What seems to be the problem?\"\"We,\" said the professor of mathematics, \"were wondering how to measure the height of this flag pole.\"The professor of English quickly unscrewed the pole from its moorings, laid it on the ground, whipped out a measuring tape, measured it, and said, \"It is exactly 20 feet long,\" and walked away smoking his pipe.Looking at the English professor's receding back, the professor of physics remarked, \"Smart Ass. We wanted to know the height, and he tells us the length!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, \"Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?\"\"Of course not, dear.\" replied the mother, \"Why would you think that?\"\"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital.When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible.\"What are you doing?\" the visitor asked.The sick lawyer replied, \"Looking for loopholes.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Political pick-up lines10. \"I see the flat tax wouldn't apply to you.\"9. \"Inflation isn't the only thing going up around here.\"8. \"I'd like you to exercise my pocket veto.\"7. \"Could you give my voting lever a little pull?\"6. \"I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom, but I didn't mean this senator.\"5. \"Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood....\"4. \"...and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?\"3. \"Would you like to import some fine foriegn salami?\"2. \"Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?\"1. \"I've got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants...er, uh, pocket.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: \"SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was \"yes.\" Asked how she used it she said, \"To assist my husband and I in conjugal matters.\"The interviewer was amazed. He said, \"I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for conjugal matters. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?\"\"Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What do you do if a Spice Girl throws a grenade at you?A: Take the pin out and throw it back.Q: Why did the Spice Girls climb up to the roof of the bar?A: They heard that the drinks were on the house.Q: What's the difference between an intelligent Spice Girl and a UFO?A: Don't know, I haven't seen either.Q: What do you call the Spice Girls after they have been put in the toaster?A: Pop Tarts."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific.What kind of kite?What lake?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer cooly said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\"The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?\"The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\" .\"Yeah,\" the interviewer shrugged, \"But you started it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this man that had difficulty making descisions:1. His parents asked him whether he wanted to go to public or private school. He decided to go private school...and hated it.2. On to college: Harvard or Yale? Harvard or Yale? He became a Yalie...and hated it.3. He thought about getting married: Blonde or Rehead? etc. Finally decided on the redhead...it was terrible, and ended in divorce.4. He has to travel across country on business: Which airline? American or TWA? He chooses American. Somewhere over Nebraska, the engines fall off, the pilot announces that they are going down. The man who hates decisions begins to pray: \"Saint Francis...save me!\"A voice comes from heaven: \"Saint Francis of Assisi or St. Francis Xavier?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One Sunday morning, the priest noticed that little Anthony was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The ten year old boy had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, \"Good morning Anthony.\"\"Good morning father,\" replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.\"Father Murphy, what is this?\" Anthony asked.\"Well, son, its a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.\"Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque.Little Anthony's voice was barely audible when he asked, \"Which service, the 9:00 or the 10:30?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this guy who worked with a help desk for a big Broadcasting company. One day, this lady called in because she didn't know why her computer wouldn't come on.He then asked her, \"Did you plug it in?\" She says \"Yes.\" He then asked her, \"Did you turn in on?\" She said \"Yes. What do you think I am? Some kind of idiot?\"So, he goes and takes a look at her computer. She goes, \"See? I plugged the computer into the surge protector.\"The guy goes, \"Yea, but you plugged the surge protector into itself.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One hot day, three preachers (one Caotholic, one Baptist, and one a Jewish Rabbi) were on a walk. They came to this clear stream, and the Caotholic Priest said, \"I really would like to go swimming.\" The Baptist minister and Jewish Rabbi agreed, so they stripped down and went skinny dipping.So, they're swimming, and the water felt nice to them. Then, they see three women walking along. The Catholic priest sees them and says, \"Oh no! Here comes a woman from my parish!\"The Baptist minister looks up and says, \"Oh no, I recognize one of them, too!\" The Rabbi looks up, and says, \"Oh no! One of them is in my parish, too! Let's get out of here before they recognixe us!The Catholic and Baptist preachers hop out, run to their clothes, put on their pants and run away. The Rabbi watches this, then jumps out, picks up his clothes and runs to join the other 2 preachers. The two preachers look at the Rabbi, and ask, \"Why did you do that?\" The Rabbi answers, \"People in my parish would recognize my face!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were two old men who had loved baseball all of their life. They had grown up in the same town where they played together thru grade school, high school and then college. After college they didn't have the skill for professional ball so they learned to be umpires in order to stay around the game. They started in the minors and being very good umpires soon moved on to the majors where they umpired for many years. After they retired, they continued to umpire for youth ball like little league.However, as they grew older and older, they started to worry about what it would be like after they died. Would there be baseball after death?Finaly they made a pact. The first one to die would, if at all possible, come back immediately and tell the other about baseball after death.Finaly Joe died and went to Heaven. After much argument he convinced St. Peter to let him return in a dream to his friend Fred and this conversation ensued:Joe: \"Fred, I made it to heaven and I have both good news and bad news\"Fred: \"Well, what is the good news\"Joe: \"We don't have to worry about baseball any more. There is all kinds up here. We can umpire from sand lot ball to the major leagues. In fact I have 3rd base tomorrow night\"Fred: \"THAT'S GREAT!! What could possibly be bad news after that?\"Joe: \"You have the plate!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody asked her how that could be possible.\"Well,\" she said. \"The first time I married an octogenarian and he died before we could consummate the marriage.\"\"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our wedding day.\"\"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Gates dies. Goes to St. Peter. St. Peter says, \"we don't know where to send you. You've been both good and bad. So, we decided to let you decide between heaven and hell.\" Gates says, \"can I preview them first?\" St. Peter allows a preview, and off they go to hell. In hell, they are on a beach with lots of bikini clad women. Gates likes this. Then off to heaven. There, the angels are lying on clouds playing thier harps. Gates tells St. Peter, \"This is nice, but a little dull. I liked hell better. Can I go to hell?\" St. Peter agrees and sends him back down to hell.Three weeks later, St. Peter decides to go check on Gates. When he arrives in hell, there is Bill Gates tied to a stake, surrounded by fire, and being wiped and beaten by angry people. Gates yells to St. Peter, \"Help me. Help me. Where are the bikini clad women?This is not what I wanted.\" St. Peter replies, \"Oh, that was the screen saver.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?A: When he opens his mouth.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a shark?A1: The shark leaves it's own species alone.A2: The shark has standards.Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?A: One is a mean spirited vicious blood sucking basted feeding of it's helplesspray until it has drained them dry. The other is hungry.Q: Why are lawyers buried 20 feet down?A: Because deep, deep down they really are decent people."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An elderly lady from a remote interior village went to one of Philadelphia's most fashionable suburbs to visit her niece and husband. Nearby was a very well known golf course.On the second afternoon of her visit, the elderly lady went for a stroll. Upon her return, the young niece asked, \"Well, Auntie, did you enjoy yourself?\"\"Oh, yes, indeed,\" said Auntie, beaming. \"Before I had walked very far, I came to some beautiful rolling fields. There seemed to be a number of people about, mostly men. Some of them kept shouting at me in a very eccentric manner, but I took no notice. There were four men who followed me for some time, uttering curious excited barking sounds. Naturally, I ignored them, too. Oh, by the way,\" she added, as she held out her hands, \"I found a number of these curious little round white balls, so I picked them all up and brought them home hoping you could explain what they're all about.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man went camping in the woods by himself.He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could.The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said \"Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear!\"He turned to see the bear on his knees saying \"Lord bless this food I am about to recieve...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two hunters were hunting deer when one accidently shot his friend. At the hospital the shooter asked the doctor if his friend would be ok. \"Well, he WOULD have been if you hadn't gutted him.\"Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush. \"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo store salesman.\" \"OK,\" says Ivan. After a while, Ivan says, \"I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car.\"A hunter just tagged his deer as the game warden walked up. \"Where's your license,\" asked the warden. \"Don't know,\" said the hunter. \"OK, you're under arrest for no license. Follow me to the road, and help me drag the deer,\" said the warden. \"No way,\" said the hunter. \"You drag it.\" Two hours later, after the warden had dragged the deer to the road, the hunter remembered which pocket held the license."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Proposed slogans for Holyfield-Tyson III10. The third Gogh around9. Dahmer vs. Psalmer8. The last supper7. Ear-reconcilable differences6. Grazing Bull5. You wanna piece of me?4. Blood, Sweat and Ears3. Lobe's labor lost2. Bite of the century1. Why? Because I lobe it"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"What's wrong with your husband?\" the psychiatrist asked.\"He thinks he's a chicken,\" answered the woman.\"How long has he been acting like a chicken?\"\"Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, \"What was your most difficult case?\"The other replied, \"I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.\"\"What was the result?\"\"It was an eight year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him -- and then that stupid letter arrived!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Who Done It\"This s a story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?A. They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton and his wife were on a plane as Bill Clinton throws a $1 bill out of the window.His wife asked him what he did that for.He said \"to make one person happy!\"Then Bill's wife throws a $10 bill out the plane window.\"Why d'cha do that?\"\"To make one person very happy\" she respondsA little annoyed Clinton throws 10 $10bills out the window and says \"Well I made 10 people very happy there, huh!?\"His wife throws a $100 out the window and giggles.\"And what was that for?\"\"To make one person very, very happy\" she says.The pilot was getting very annoyed at them, and takes Bill Clinton by the ankles and throws him out of the window.\"WY'D'YA DO THAT!!!?\" she asks very upset.\"To make EVERYONE happy\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "3 young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the best:The first boy said, \"my dad is so good he can shoot an arrow run after it, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The second boy said, \"my dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hand.\"The third boy said, \"I've got you both beat, my dad so good because he works for the state of Florida. He gets off work at 5:00pm and is home by 4:30pm.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, \"You skin this one while I go and get another one!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says \"Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.\" The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says \"I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.\" The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says \"I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.\" He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says \"Give me a Coke.\" The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask \"Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?\" and the Guiness resident replies \"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.\"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.\"A voice from the back of the room pipes up, \"Yeah, right...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two programmers walked along the street. They saw a beautiful blonde not far away and one of them said, \"Too bad that girls has no standard interface.\"\"They have,\" replied the other programmer, \"but there is no standard way to get to it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the US, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,\"Are there any gators around here?!\"\"Naw,\" the man hollered back, \"they ain't been around for years!\"\"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.About halfway there he asked the guy,\"How'd you get rid of the gators?\"\"We didn't do nothin',\" the beachcomber said.\"The sharks got 'em.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "About a decade ago American government realizes that they are to be beaten by other countries in the automotive sector if they don't put their heads together. Then they decide to deploy a council to make a research.The group visits a Japanese car factory and notice something strange. Everywhere in the factory, there are lots of cats wandering around. One of the American group members asks the general manager of the factory about the cats. He replies; -we put a cat into each completed product at nights, then if one is alive next morning, that means there is something wrong with the isolation of that unit, so we unassemble it and fix it. Americans were amazed...Then it was time to see what it was like in Turkey, they came to TOFAS factory for their search. And they were again surprised as they saw cats like they used in Japan and they asked again about the cats. General manager's answer was ; -we put a cat in each completed unit at night, if it the cat is missing in the morning ,it means we have some problem with the isolation of that unit."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attractive woman found herself alone in the elevator with a lawyer. \"I could push this red button, and then give you the best sex of your life,\" she purred. He thought a minute and said, \"I'm sure you could - but what's in it for me?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.\"What's that big brass gong for?\" one of the guests asked.\"Why, that's my talking clock,\" the man replied.\"How does it work?\" asked one of his friends.\"Watch this,\" the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer.Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, \"Hey a..hole! It's 2 in the f..king morning!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, \"Tell me about the day you died.\"The man said, \"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died.\"St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. \"Well, sir, it was awful,\" said the second man. \"I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!\"St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.\"Tell me about the day you died?\", he said to the third man in line.\"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator....\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A gentleman was sitting at a crowded bar talking with a colleague about a recent legal encounter.\"Lawyer's are jerks\" the man said as he completed his story.His colleague agreed by saying, \"Yeah, lawyers are jerks\".A couple nearby overheard the conversation and the word spread quickly throughout the bar that indeed lawyers are jerks. At the far end of the bar, a well dressed gentleman finally caught wind of the topic of conversation. He stood up slammed his beer down on the counter and proclaimed to the whole bar that he was extremely offended by the conversation and that he would appreciate it if whoever started this would stand up and apologize in front of the entire crowd.The gentleman, who originally claimed, \"lawyers are jerks\", angrily stood up and said, \"You must be an attorney\".The offended gentleman quickly replied, \"No kind sir, I am an jerk.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. \"What's the trouble?\" the salesman asked. The man said that he was reluctant to answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. With some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. \"Hanged!\" The salesman pondered for a moment. \"Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed to stay married so long in this day and age.The husband responded \"When we were first married we came to an agreement.I would make all the major decisions and my wife would make all the minor decisions.And in 60 years of marriage we have never needed to make a major decision.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Her husband had passed on and the new widow was so distraught that she sought out a spiritualist who told her that her husband was just fine.She added further that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.\"Is there anything he needs ?\" the distraught woman asked,between tears.The spiritualist went into a transient state, then replied,\"He says he'd love a package of cigarettes.\"\"I'll send a carton immediately.\" the woman said joyfully.\"But did he say where I should send them ?\"\"No.\" replied the Seer somberly. \"But he didn't ask for matches.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Staff NoticeWith immediate effect, a toilet policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for staff, ensuring effective time management and equal treatment for all. On the first day of every month, all staff will be issued 20 toilet trip credits which may be accumulated.The doors to all toilets will be equipped with computer-linked voice recognition devices. Staff must immediately provide management with two voiceprints, one normal and one under stress. Once the employee's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the toilet will not unlock for the employee's voice until the first of the month.In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with timed paper-roll extractors. If the toilet is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds later, the roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser, the toilet will flush and the door will open automatically. If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a security camera and will appear on the Toilet Offenders Board. Anyone appearing three times will forfeit three months' toilet trip credits. Anyone caught smiling when the photograph is taken will undergo counseling by a clinical psychologist.Be advised that workmen's compensation insurance does not cover any injuries incurred while trying to stop the toilet paper retracting into the dispenser.MANAGEMENT"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A farmer dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that a farmer is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80 percent humidity. So the Devil goes over to the farmer and asks why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"I like it here, the temperature is just like plowing my fields in June.\"The Devil isn't happy with the farmer's answer, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90 percent.After turning everything up he goes looking for the farmer. He finds him standing around just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the farmer again as to why he's so happy. The farmer says, \"This is even better, it's like pulling weeds in the fields during July.\"The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the farmer suffer, so he turns the heat up to 120 degrees and the humidity to 100 percent.Once again, he goes looking for the farmer, and finds him sitting on the floor -- even happier than before! The farmer turns to the Devil and says, \"This is great, it's just like working in the silo with my friends in August.\"The Devil says, \"That's it, I'll get this farmer.\" He goes over and turns the temperature down to 25 degrees and sets the weather control to SNOW. \"Lets see what the farmer has to say about THIS.\"A little while later, the Devil finds the farmer -- only NOW he's jumping up and down for joy and yelling, \"The Packers have finally won the Superbowl!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer is heading home in his limousine when he sees a group of people on the side of the highway. He tells the chauffeur to stop the car, goes over to them, and asks what they're doing.A man says, \"We're poor, homeless, and starving. If we don't eat this grass we'll die of hunger!\"The lawyer says, \"Come with me!\"The man says, \"Please, let me bring my family.\"The lawyer says, \"Sure, the more the merrier!\"So they all pile into the limo. The man asks, \"I hate to ask, since you're being so nice, but where are we going?\"The lawyer says, \"My groundskeeper is off sick. You can eat all the grass you want at my place!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Moses, Jesus, and an old guy are playing golf.They come to a hole with a big river running through it. Moses tees off, and the ball lands in the water. He grabs his club, holds it up, and parts the water. He walks down to the water, and chips it out. Jesus is next. He hits the ball and it lands on the water. It doesn't even float, it just sits there. Jesus walks over to the river, walks on it, and chips it off. The old guy tees off. He hits the ball into the water and just stands there. After a moment, he raises his finger. A fish jumps out of the river, spitis it at a bird, who knocks the ball at the hole, but it lands short, so a gopher climbs up out of the hole and whacks it with his hand, and when it lands short again, an earthquake starts and forces the ground up and the ball rolls into the hole. Then everything returns to normal.Moses turns to Jesus and says, \"Man, I hate playing with your dad.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Coach Walker enters the locker room and eyes one of his players. \"Son, I hate to do this to you. I realize that you're the star of the team, but you're failing your classes and I can't let you play.\"\"Give me a break, coach!\" pleads the jock.\"I'll tell you what - I'll ask you a question, and if you get it right, you can play... what is two plus two?\"The jock counts on his fingers, \"one, two, three,... The answer must be four!\"\"Did you say four?\" asks the excited coach.\"Sure did, Coach!\"As the coach starts to jump and scream in excitement, the other members of the team can be heard begging, \"Gee, come on coach, give him another chance!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign . . .\"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass.Caution: Do not step on exhaust.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It was the end of the school year. The teacher had turned in her grades; there was nothing really for the class to do.All the kids were restless and it was near the end of the day. So the teacher thought of an activity. She said, \"The first ones to answer correctly the questions I ask may leave early today.\" Little Johnny said to himself, \"Good, I'm smart and I want to get outa here.\"The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, \"Abraham Lincoln?\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Susie. You may go.\" Johnny was mad that Susie had answered first.The teacher asked, \"Who said 'I Have a Dream'?\" But before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, \"Martin Luther King!\" The teacher said, \"That's right, Mary. You may go.\" Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first. The teacher asked, \"Who said 'Ask not what your country can do for you'?\" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy piped, \"John Kennedy!\"The teacher said, \"That's right, Nancy. You may go.\" Now Johnny was furious! Nancy had answered first.Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny muttered, \"I wish these girls would keep their mouths shut!\"The teacher spun around. \"WHO SAID THAT?\" Johnny said, \"BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "So you want the day off:Let's take a look at what you are asking for....There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work. We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blind man and his dog go into the supermarket and then the blind man takes his dog by the collar and starts to swing him around over his head, knocking things off the shelves. The manager comes up to the blind man and asks \"excuse me sir, can I help you?\" the blind man answers \"no thanks, I'm just looking around\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men were boasting to each other about their old Army days.\"Why, my outfit was so well drilled,\" declared one, \"that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.\"\"Very good,\" conceded the other, \"but when my company presented arms you'djust hear slap, slap, jingle.\"\"What was the jingle?\" asked the first. \"Oh,\" replied the other off hand, \"just our medals.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three successful Jewish brothers compared their wealth by the presents they had recently sent their old mother for her 75th birthday.Shlomo, the oldest, said: \"I built a big mansion for our mother.\"Moishe, the second, said: \"I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.\"Ira, the youngest, said: \"You remember how our mama used to enjoy reading the bible? Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole bible... Mama just has to name the chapter and verse.\"A few days later a letter arrived from their mother.\"Shlomo,\" she wrote, \"the mansion you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.\"\"Moishe,\" she wrote, \"I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver - he's a pain in the tuchas.\"\"But Ira,\" she wrote, \"the chicken was delicious!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, \"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago.\"The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, \"Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!\"The woman says, \"Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of information:Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone. When he got to his wife she was arguing with another man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his hands in the air:Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?!?!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "I was attending church as a visitor several weeks ago and heard the following:\"I have good news, and I have bad news.First, the bad news: we need a new roof.Next, the good news: we have the money to pay for it!(waits for pleased murmurs to recede)Next, more bad news: the money is still in your pockets.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?A: Shoot the lawyer twice.Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in comon?A: They both have a one in a million chance of being human."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: \"So how are your men?\" \"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie.\" \"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country.\" \"Well, my men are very brave, too.\" \"I'd like to see that.\" So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: \"Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!\" \"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!\" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said: \"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking alcohol when all of a sudden, the passenger, Bubba, said, \"Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-lice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!\"\"Don't worry, Bubba,\" Earl said. \"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.\"\"What fer?\", asked Bubba.Just let me do the talkin,' OK?\", said Earl. Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each stuck a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, \"You boys been drinkin'?\"\"No, sir,\" said Earl. \"We's on the patch!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.He tries again. Still nothing.He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*!Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, \"Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?\"The other guy yells back, \"No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\""
}
] |
Subsets and Splits