ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
701	What did the two tampons have in common? They were both stuck up bitches
702	Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.
703	FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr
704	My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.
705	I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
706	What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.
707	I tried googling Wiz Khalifa ... But all I found was MIa Khalifa peeing .
708	I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?
709	What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
710	What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D
711	Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka
712	How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]
713	Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.
714	A bird pooped on my head today...Am I gonna die? I mean, I'm kinda worried about getting sick from it but mostly I hope this made someone's day.
715	What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil
716	Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
717	I'm a terrible singer, I have two left throats
718	How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences
719	TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood
720	What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful
721	Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady
722	You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
723	My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."
724	What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.
725	Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
726	What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.
727	The Donner Party Diet Breakfast: Jacks Lunch: Franks Dinner: Patties
728	What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.
729	Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
730	A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!
731	Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
732	Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.
733	The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.
734	Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.
735	"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig
736	What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.
737	They called their son Honest Abe, because he was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary...
738	Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.
739	How do you double the price of a Fiat? Fill the tank
740	Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
741	What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!
742	Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting? He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...
743	new iPhone 7 son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?
744	What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
745	Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.
746	Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
747	Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.
748	What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk
749	What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.
750	Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?
751	A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.
752	What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.
753	The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products
754	The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.
755	Don't touch my twat my itchy twitchy twat .... Miley Cyrus. Ba dum tish
756	When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.
757	Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
758	How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.
759	What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.
760	me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend
761	My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.
762	What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw
763	NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.
764	What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes
765	There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Funeral Home Barbie ...complete with hearse coffin and kicky little shroud
766	Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush
767	Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
768	I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes
769	In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014
770	I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.
771	I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.
772	Pork is awesome, but it's best when used as a verb.
773	[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? loudly clears throat for 5 minutes
774	COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP OCTOPUS: They're tentacles COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude COP: Just go. I give up.
775	If you're reading this you're probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.
776	Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
777	Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were fruitless.
778	What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.
779	What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A sour Kraut.
780	Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.
781	I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.
782	When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being fucking awesome at everything."
783	''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.
784	How do you know you sister is on her period? Dad's cock tastes like blood.
785	McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.
786	The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.
787	Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb
788	What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!
789	Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.
790	What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
791	[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking he chokes gf: he's a crossing guard dad
792	What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky
793	What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome
794	My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.
795	What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.
796	Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
797	What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.
798	Don't look out of the window Betty people will think it's Halloween.
799	I'm trying to explain Twitter to this cop. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.
800	Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.

701

What did the two tampons have in common? They were both stuck up bitches

702

Why is Saturn like your balls?? Because it is in between jupeter an your anus.

703

FREE $1,000,000,000 IDEA: a Tumblr-type platform for list-making called Schindlr

704

My favorite kind of math is adding insult to injury.

705

I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

706

What's better than two roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ.

707

I tried googling Wiz Khalifa ... But all I found was MIa Khalifa peeing .

708

I am an expert at making balloon animals. May I interest you in a hyphen or a pickle?

709

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party ? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

710

What's the difference between wild Iranian Ossetra caviar and my penis? One is a delicacy (Deh-Lih-Cuh-See) and the other is a delicady (Deh-Lih-Cuh-Dee) Edit: The D

711

Who are the 3 most famous black women? 1. Oprah 2. Aunt Jamima 3. Motha Fucka

712

How do you disappoint a Redditor? [removed]

713

Why does Darkwing Duck wear a mask? You are a duck. No one could identify you without describing every other duck on earth.

714

A bird pooped on my head today...Am I gonna die? I mean, I'm kinda worried about getting sick from it but mostly I hope this made someone's day.

715

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, lying in a ditch? Phil

716

Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

717

I'm a terrible singer, I have two left throats

718

How do you spot two bffs in prison They finish each other's sentences

719

TIL I'm genetically predisposed to love heroin It's in my blood

720

What do you call an iPhone 6S that ran out memory space. Successful

721

Well, I had to break up with the baker i've been dating She was just too kneady

722

You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.

723

My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with karaoke. I said "Fine, go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, because your not welcome anymore...."

724

What do Shakespearian Buddhists eat for breakfast? Om and cheese Hamlets.

725

Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!

726

What does a slave driver do with his slaves when he's bored? He racism.

727

The Donner Party Diet Breakfast: Jacks Lunch: Franks Dinner: Patties

728

What did the farmer say when the police found the gate from the public footpath in his barn and accused him of stealing? That's not my stile.

729

Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.

730

A guy walks into a bar and says, "I'm going to shoot whoever slept with my wife"! A man shouts from the back, "You don't got enough bullets, bud"!

731

Sometimes I'm depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it's like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

732

Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i'd give a shit.

733

The road to recovery from my addiction to sexual innuendos has been a long and hard one. But the end is in sight... I can see it coming.

734

Why is my Tetris highscore like my wife? I beat both of them for fun.

735

"Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she's not herself." *grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

736

What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs? The bikings.

737

They called their son Honest Abe, because he was honest. They called their daughter Bloody Mary...

738

Has this one ever been used? Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because he was chicken. Alright.

739

How do you double the price of a Fiat? Fill the tank

740

Don't ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."

741

What do you call a bald porcupine? Pointless!

742

Why didn't the principal of the school for the blind allow his students to go duck-hunting? He knew that some of them wouldn't miss the blind ...

743

new iPhone 7 son: Daddy, buy me the new iPhone 7 Dad: What is the magic word? son: Natasha Dad: who is Natasha son: your lover Dad: do you need also a case?

744

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!

745

Q: How many Honor Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 22 one to screw it in 21 to shoot the bulb.

746

Cute girl: omg I love this bread [At the next table] Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

747

Did you hear about the Coldplay concert in China last weekend? It was all yellow.

748

What do you call a dumb elephant? Donald Trunk

749

What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard.

750

Why don't prison inmates just use liquid soap?

751

A hawk snatched my gf's chihuahua today.. ..it got rid of that annoying bitch for me in one fowl swoop.

752

What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.

753

The people in this ad look 'indie' & remind me of myself. As a consumer this makes me feel good. Now I will purchase all their products

754

The first rule of procrastination club is: Google some weird shit then take a nap.

755

Don't touch my twat my itchy twitchy twat .... Miley Cyrus. Ba dum tish

756

When a woman says "WHAT did you just say?" say something different.

757

Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium

758

How do two lawyers greet each other? With a firm handshake.

759

What do you call bacteria that can swim fast? Micro Phelps.

760

me: can i have a coke waiter: is Pepsi ok? me: ya pepsi's fine pepsi: i have a boyfriend

761

My girlfriend used to kiss me on the lips but It's all over now.

762

What do you use to cut the ocean? A seasaw

763

NEVER date someone that works for your cell phone provider. You're welcome.

764

What do you call a black man who dies of heat exhaustion and a white guy that dies of a brain aneurysm? Different Strokes

765

There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Funeral Home Barbie ...complete with hearse coffin and kicky little shroud

766

Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*

767

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.

768

I think r/jokes may be glitched Top of all time and new both show the same jokes

769

In Florida, a couple has been accused of making meth in a public library. Isn't that crazy? Florida has a library. -Conan Monologue June 12, 2014

770

I robbed a place with my boner and said it was a gun... I got a pretty STIFF punishment. I did HARD time. It was LONG sentence.

771

I repaired my drum set after my son broke it... ... ... Now he has to deal with the repercussions.

772

Pork is awesome, but it's best when used as a verb.

773

[Spelling Bee] -Your word is phlegm -Can you use it in a sentence? *loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

774

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP OCTOPUS: They're tentacles COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude COP: Just go. I give up.

775

If you're reading this you're probably addicted to the internet. And by internet, I mean Facebook.

776

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

777

Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.

778

What do you call an african american in a 3 piece suit? The defendant.

779

What do you call a German with a bad attitude? A sour Kraut.

780

Apparently when your boss asks if you're on drugs "which drugs?" isn't the appropriate response. I know this now.

781

I think it is wrong that the Bali 9 get a one minute silence I mean, they already got a 21 gun salute.

782

When I die, I want a disease named after me, with symptoms that include "being fucking awesome at everything."

783

''I want to ruin some songs today.'' -The producers of Glee every morning.

784

How do you know you sister is on her period? Dad's cock tastes like blood.

785

McDonald's french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect. Tasted fine, too.

786

The only thing better than sarcasm... is irony.

787

Ay' girl,is your dad a terrorist Cause you re da bomb

788

What is the greatest intermolecular force of all time? Dipole, dipole, dipole, dipole, and dipole!

789

Why does an elephant have 4 Feet? Because it would look ridiculous with 8 inches.

790

What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.

791

[dinner table] gfs dad: so what do you do for a living me: human trafficking *he chokes* gf: he's a crossing guard dad

792

What do you call a dog with short legs and steel balls? Sparky

793

What is nine inches long and keeps a woman up screaming all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome

794

My new bowflex comes tomorrow...so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

795

What's the best reason to date a pornstar? You never have to meet her father.

796

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

797

What does James Bond say after a heavy workout? I would like to have Whey. Shaken, not stirred.

798

Don't look out of the window Betty people will think it's Halloween.

799

I'm trying to explain Twitter to this cop. He still wants to know why I'm driving naked.

800

Why shouldn't you sleep with a weatherman? They'll promise 12 to 14 inches, but you'll only get 3 to 5.