ysharma/short_jokes · Datasets at Hugging Face

ID int64 1 232k	Joke stringlengths 10 200
501	Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.
502	[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: "Yep. That's a body all right."
503	What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.
504	How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"
505	I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.
506	Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.
507	I have a pen..... I have a apple :D
508	I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"
509	Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.
510	woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
511	Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.
512	I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.
513	What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
514	If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
515	To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.
516	Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?
517	"Sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...
518	A horse walks into the bar Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.
519	I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.
520	What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.
521	What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.
522	A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.
523	Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.
524	True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.
525	What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!
526	A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY
527	Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke
528	The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't
529	What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh
530	Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.
531	I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.
532	hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
533	Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.
534	Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
535	What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote
536	Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.
537	I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.
538	"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."
539	Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
540	Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.
541	My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want
542	Subway's Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants... ...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.
543	Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.
544	Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can't elope.
545	What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? (OC) YORO (You only resurrect once)
546	What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto
547	You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.
548	What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud
549	I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.
550	I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good
551	What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows? A murder most fowl. (I'll see myself out...)
552	Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness? Mack-a-Dameon.
553	Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy
554	If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.
555	Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch.
556	How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.
557	I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
558	Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.
559	Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
560	Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I'm just sitting here, maths debating.
561	A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks He charges the first boy and lets the other off.
562	The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.
563	I like my chicken how I like my babies Deep fried and delicious
564	I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.
565	what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag...
566	I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline... Apparently it's only for "victims".
567	My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."
568	I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst
569	If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.
570	"Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend
571	Follow your dreams. Unless you're a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That's dangerous, dude.
572	What was Hitler's last two words? Oy Vey!
573	Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the street.
574	I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
575	I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::
576	How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down
577	Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.
578	My life That's the joke.
579	Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.
580	Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
581	Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: sends picture of ceiling Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"
582	I cheated a guy in poker so he burnt down my house. I guess you could say it was a conflagration
583	Two blonds are having a conversation. Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other "I had sex with a brazilian last night" The other blond replies "WOW that's a lot of men"
584	Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in
585	'I want to see other kids.' ~Me, parenting.
586	The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges
587	They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
588	Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know...
589	Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
590	My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero... At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.
591	What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.
592	"Some say I have a drinking problem" pours glass of water on lap
593	Fun typo: "You ate the most important thing in my life."
594	A mushroom walks into a bar The bartender says: "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says: "Why not man? I really am a FunGi."
595	I voted for Jill Stein Finally I'm part of the 1%
596	Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
597	What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'? I've been flamed!
598	Starbucks really isn't that expensive when compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup
599	What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts
600	They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.

501

Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.

502

[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: "Yep. That's a body all right."

503

What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.

504

How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"

505

I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.

506

Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.

507

I have a pen..... I have a apple :D

508

I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"

509

Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.

510

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

511

Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.

512

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

513

What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale

514

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

515

To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.

516

Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

517

"Sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...

518

A horse walks into the bar Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.

519

I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.

520

What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.

521

What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.

522

A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.

523

Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.

524

True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.

525

What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!

526

A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY

527

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke

528

The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

529

What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh

530

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

531

I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.

532

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

533

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

534

Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

535

What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote

536

Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

537

I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

538

"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."

539

Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

540

Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.

541

My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

542

Subway's Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants... ...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.

543

Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

544

Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can't elope.

545

What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? (OC) YORO (You only resurrect once)

546

What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto

547

You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

548

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud

549

I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.

550

I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good

551

What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows? A murder most fowl. (I'll see myself out...)

552

Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness? Mack-a-Dameon.

553

Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy

554

If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

555

Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch.

556

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

557

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

558

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

559

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

560

Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I'm just sitting here, maths debating.

561

A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks He charges the first boy and lets the other off.

562

The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

563

I like my chicken how I like my babies Deep fried and delicious

564

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

565

what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag...

566

I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline... Apparently it's only for "victims".

567

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."

568

I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst

569

If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.

570

"Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend

571

Follow your dreams. Unless you're a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That's dangerous, dude.

572

What was Hitler's last two words? Oy Vey!

573

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the street.

574

I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

575

I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

576

How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down

577

Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.

578

My life That's the joke.

579

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

580

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

581

Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"

582

I cheated a guy in poker so he burnt down my house. I guess you could say it was a conflagration

583

Two blonds are having a conversation. Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other "I had sex with a brazilian last night" The other blond replies "WOW that's a lot of men"

584

Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in

585

'I want to see other kids.' ~Me, parenting.

586

The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

587

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

588

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know...

589

Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.

590

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero... At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

591

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.

592

"Some say I have a drinking problem" *pours glass of water on lap*

593

Fun typo: "You ate the most important thing in my life."

594

A mushroom walks into a bar The bartender says: "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says: "Why not man? I really am a FunGi."

595

I voted for Jill Stein Finally I'm part of the 1%

596

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

597

What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'? I've been flamed!

598

Starbucks really isn't that expensive when compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup

599

What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts

600

They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.