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What did the Mexican with two penises name them | Jose and Hose B |
Yesterday,. I told my friend a chemistry joke | But there was no reaction |
Which of the Spice Girls can carry the most petrol | Gerry can |
I like country and rap | Some people call it crap |
If I were to ramble on about everything there is to know concerning Indian leavened bread | would that be total naansense |
Wedding night So a young lady just got married and was staying in her mum's house. She was always told to wait and save herself till married. And that's what she did. She went upstairs to the bedroom with her husband to do newly wedded things. Her husband takes off his shirt and he has a very hairy chest. Young lady runs downstairs to her mother and says mummy he has a very hairy chest, what do I do her mother replied all good men have hairy chests go upstairs and he'll take care of you it will be alright she goes upstairs again and sit on the bed. He then takes off his trousers exposing his hairy legs. Once again the young lady run down stairs to a mother mummy he has very hairy legs, what do I do the mother replied all good men have hairy legs go upstairs and he'll take care of you it will be alright so still upstairs once again. He then proceeds to take off another item of clothing. His socks. She notices that her husband only had 2 toes on one foot | Once again she wants downstairs to her mother mummy he's got a foot and a half the mother replied you stay and cook dinner, don't worry darling mumny will take care of this one for you 😂😂😂😂😂 |
I watched a documentary today on how planes are put together | It was riveting |
Why did the youth pastor show show his kids a horror movie | To scare the hell out of them |
why couldn’t the bike stand up | because it was two tired |
Why do defibrillators amaze people | They're just shocking at heart |
Hi. No, | I'm not, but thanks for asking. |
Saw a sign at the store that said used batteries | I'm guessing they were free of charge. |
I got my dad yesterday | I picked him up at the airport |
Today I threw two drums and a cymbal off a cliff | Ba Dum Tssss |
Got my wife just now. Her: dadgummit Me: hey. I don't gummit. I chew it | Her: uuugh |
What do cows call their clothes | Moo |
Why is the kid from Toy Story so good at repairing his toys | Because he's very Andy |
What’s the worst part about cloning sheep | Falling asleep while taking inventory |
Thor is a terrible singer | he could never hit the low key |
How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb. Is it 1. Or 2 | or 2 |
I I couldn’t get $GME so I got CHKN, BEEF, and VGTBL stock instead | I hope to become a bouillionaire |
I bought a new weed-whacker today | It's cutting hedge technology |
'My client is trapped inside a penny, your honor' 'What | ' 'He's in a cent |
Wow Dad, you got a haircut. Dad: Nope | I actually got them all cut |
Girlfriend got me good earlier Back story: I'm at a shop getting my car put on a dyno. A dyno measures the power output. I didn't tell my girlfriend but she knew I was planning on getting it done soon. Me: I'm in *neighboring city* GF: what are you doing there. Me: car stuff GF: are you getting a stegosaurus Me: what. GF: I thought you were getting a dino | Me: ohmygod |
My wife refuses to go to Karaoke with me | I have to duet alone |
Best place to self-reflect is. A | Mirror. |
What do you call a sleepwalking nun | A Roman Catholic |
What's Brown and Sticky | A stick |
2 wrongs don't make a right. But 2 | Wright's make a hell of an airplane |
Why was the mushroom invited to the party | Because he was a fungi |
I’ve got this awful disease where. I can’t stop telling airport jokes | My doctor says it’s terminal. |
I bought two reindeer for only a dollar each and thought I got a great deal . But it turns out they were two deer. Still, it was only a couple of bucks | To be honest, I feel like I have more doe now than before |
Got dad joked by 13 yr old girl foster kid. Where do dogs hate to go shopping | Flea market |
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them | I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that |
How did the vacuum cleaner die | It bit the dust |
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour | He had a reptile dysfunction |
So, it's 3am, I'm at Denny's. The bill comes, and after a night of heavy drinking all anybody has left is loose change. We (about 6 people) split up the bill and count our change onto the table. Waitress comes by, sees that were settling the bill, and she says, do you guys need any change | Without missing a beat my bearded husky inebriated friend returns, yes, dimes and nickles will suffice The waitress was not amused |
The. Guy. Who. Invented. The. Train | His invention moved a lot of people |
My son insisted his nails were already cut and I didn't have to trim them. I asked if I could just double-check his hand. http://i. imgur. com/bAuV8Nh | png |
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run | Because the grass tickles there balls |
I checked into a motel and the clerk told me I had the second room on the second floor. He picked up the key to hand to me, but hesitated and took it back. I said, “Well | 2B or not 2B |
A perfect dad joke for Father's Day Me: See, if I wasn't here, you would have never exsisted. Daughter: Ok, Dad. But Mom was the one who really made me. Me: Hey, I had a little bit of input | *Pause* Daaaaaaad |
What does a mechanical frog say | Rivet |
Start my new job as a hairdresser in Jamaica tomorrow | I'm dreading it |
What’s Dean Martin’s favorite Eel | That’s a Moray |
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub. And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house | The difference is staggering |
If your phone autocorrects f*** to duck its okay to keep it | Because it's still fowl language *This is an x-post from r/jokes dont be pissed* |
I bought a porn mag company and I'm making it into a Christian magazine | I'm still working out a few kinks |
What do you call an assassin that kills in summer | The heat-man |
Dogs like chewing on sticks | Because their mouths are made for barks |
What is the most famous coffee brand for birds | Nest-cafe |
I was going to see if I could sneak a regular joke in but it's like a field of corn in here | It's all ears |
Doctor: I will be delivering your baby | Parents: Actually, we want him to keep his liver please |
An observant but not-so-trustworthy friend of mine dropped by my fowl farm yesterday | He took a gander |
This has been a common occurrence with my dad since childhood. Note: We are from Syria. Every time someone asks my dad Are you serious. , no matter how ridiculously tense the situation is. He will reply, No, I'm Syrian | :l |
What do you call a group of baboons | A Congress |
I have a phobia of German sausage | Yes, I fear the wurst |
I invited a bunch of rappers to my party. Most of them showed up, but Notorious B. couldn't make it. That's ok | No biggie |
A man in Yorkshire, England forgot about his appointment at the sperm bank | When he finally arrived, the person at the desk told him, “Ejaculate” |
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce | Chicken sees a salad |
I have finally made it I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence | I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life |
I once had crush on a pastry chef | Turns out she didn’t have any fillings for me |
Tom Hanks walked into a wind tunnel | The wind tunnel says to him It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Hanks, I'm a huge fan |
So I go to the zoo with my dad. We're in the Australian zone and my dad turns to me and asks, What do baby kangaroo brothers call each other. | Roo-mates |
There’s still a lot to be discovered about. Mars | We’ve only scratched the surface |
Genie: What is your final wish. Boy: I wish I were you | Genue: weurd but alrught |
Never iron a four leaf clover | You don’t want to press your luck |
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon | Great Food, No Atmosphere |
Shakespeare must have been a dad. From othello: Cassio:Dost thou hear, my honest friend | Clown: No I hear not your honest friend, I hear you |
Smart-ass optometrist | See if eye care |
Charles Dickens walks into a bar. And asks for a martini . | The barman says Olive or Twist |
The mayor of Saint Paul passed a law banning large soft drinks | Now if you want one you have to get a Minnesota |
Had dinner with the future father in law last night And I looked at my food sighed heavily and put my face in my hands. Him: What's going on. Me: There's just so much on my plate right now Then I asked for his daughters hand in marriage | It was a yes |
Why do Chicken coops only have 2 doors | Because if they have four, they would be chicken sedans |
Made brownies. [https://i. imgur. com/4NBo8Yg. jpg](https://i. imgur. com/4NBo8Yg | jpg) |
Anyone else go to the comedy and philosophy convention last night | Laughed more than I thought |
Thank. God | I'm atheist |
Why do cows have hooves and not feet. Because they | lactose |
Driving through the mountains While on vacation this past week we would occasionally pass signs [such as this](http://i. imgur. com/yIuxf2z. jpg). I could never resist the urge to tell everyone in the car to be quiet | Kids loved it; wife, not so much |
My wife was worried that the fish she bought on Friday weren't swimming together on Saturday I told her not to worry | Saturday's not a school day |
I asked a pirate where are you bucaneers | He said under my buckin hat |
Why did the coffee file a police report | It got mugged |
Chinese takeout: $10. Gas to get there and back: $2 | Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless |
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand on its own | Because it is two tired |
Grocery store dadjoke on the girlfriend. We were walking down the dairy aisle when. Gf: Did I pass the butter | Me: I don't see why you would, I didn't ask for it |
My Dad won a ham at a meat raffle yesterday, and his friend won a turkey | He looked at me, then said to his friend: We should start a club |
What do you call an obvious cow | Predictabull |
Why do toadstools grow so close together | They don't need mushroom |
My time in the mafia served me well | I got so good with scarves, they started calling me scarf ace. |
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks | For keeping me off the streets |
What did the river say to the sea | Don't be salty |
Girlfriend got herself today My girlfriend broke a nail at work today and told me the story after dinner. GF: I was gonna do my nails tonight but now its pointless. I chuckled to myself until she realized what she said. She then called me a dork and left the room | I guess I'm doing the dishes tonight |
Some people love cats, other people hate them. The pope is obsessed with them | He’s a cat-a-holic |
Have you seen the new pen that writes underwater, upside down and in outer space | It writes lots of other words too |
A cattle farmer has had to pull out of the local marathon | It was due to a calf injury |
There's a band called 1023MB | They haven't hit any gigs yet |
Got my daughter. Daughter: Sorry. I'm late dad | Me: Better late than pregnant |
I just stumbled on this subreddit, and I'd like explain why (from an outsider's perspective) this sort of thing is not my cup of tea. It's because [this](http://i. imgur. com/GDogdTm | png) is my cup of tea |
Got my wife during shark week. Wife: I feel funny . Me: Then tell me a joke . Wife:. As she rolls her eyes . I mean my insides feel funny . Me: Then tell me an inside joke . She just sighed and went to bed while | I chuckled heartily. |
Subsets and Splits