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A priest goes on a shooting spree | I guess you could call it a mass murder |
Why do witches not wear a normal hat | Because there's no point in it |
How did the sniper get drunk even though he was nowhere near any alcohol | It was those long distance shots |
I asked SIRI why I was still single | She turned on the front camera |
What meat does a cannibalistic priest eat on Friday | Nun |
my throat is a little raw. Eating dinner at my friend's house last night with his family. Their daughter walks in. Hey hon, how are you. -Mom Hey. I'm okay. My throat is a little raw. -Daughter Well you better cook it | -Dad I proceeded to laugh out loud while everyone else groaned a little and moved on |
How do you find Will Smith in the snow | You look for fresh prints |
GF got me with this last night while watching our favorite BBC car show Me: The cinematography for this show really is top notch | Her: No babe, it's Top Gear |
I overdosed on viagra once | Hardest day of my life |
My grandfather was court-martialed from the navy when he fired on a friendly vessel | Oops, wrong sub |
Manager: You're fired | Me: No, I'm Bob |
Helping a friend move. We should get the mirrors next | Yeah, I can see myself carrying those |
I told my dad I burned my buns making hamburgers | He told me to stop sitting on the grill |
National. Dad. Conference. Speaker:. I'm glad you could all make it. Whole crowd: *in unison* hi glad you could all make it. We're dad. Speaker: *Puts up a pic of | ID on big screen showing legal name is glad you could all make it * *entire conference loses their shit* |
How about that actor who played the role of a U-haul truck | I heard his performance was moving |
What is a pirates favorite type of ghost | A spectarr |
Harry. Potter became vegan, | Now he speaks parsleytongue |
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7 | 00 in dog money |
Fun fact: Every dictionary has at least 1 mistake in it. In the M section, right after mist | ​ ​ ​ Thanks HAI |
A group of monks started a business outside the playboy mansion. They opened up a stand selling flowers, but Heff called the 5-0 and got them shut down. They said they would've gotten away with it anywhere else | But I guess only Hugh can stop florist friars |
What happens when you cross a soda can with a frog | Croaka-Cola |
Just burned 2000 calories today | I won’t forget to remove the brownies from the oven next time. |
I left my family to live in an ice cream shop | I'm now known as a deserter |
I make bad science puns | but only periodically |
Why is Spider-Man so acrobatic | Because his real name is Peter Parkour |
How heavy was the world's biggest dumpling | Wonton |
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans | They run at 100 feet a second |
How do fleas travel from animal to animal | They itch hike |
We could have played a game that was riveting | but since non of use were any good at metal-work we played some basketball instead |
TIL they don't cook. French fries in. France. They cook them in | Greece. |
I got my dad with a good one the other day. I walk in the living room and the TV shows hail pounding down and covering a yard like snow. My dad says, This is in *Texas*, how could they get so much hail down there | Hail, I don't know, with a southern twang |
What do you get if you cross a baby with a soldier | Infantry |
My friend used to eat feathers | She quit after she got down in the dumps. |
Saw a girl with 12 nipples today | Sounds weird, dozen tit |
Why don't they play poker in the jungle | Too many cheetahs |
Returning home from the barber, had a true old man moment today. My kid: “Hey dad, did you just get a hair cut. ” “No son, I got them ALL cut. ” The cycle is complete | I have become my father |
Did Jesus pay for our sins in credit or debit | Neither, he used praypal (Not originally mine its really old and i cant remember where i saw it, so the credit goes to that unsang hero) |
You got to hand it to short people | They probably can't reach it anyways |
Got my 11-month-old this morning Changed her diaper and was getting her back into her pink pants. Looked at her and said, you're like a precious diamond to me. Like a little Pink Pants-er | She has no idea what I said, but giggled anyway |
Where does a pencil go to take a vacation | Pennsylvania |
what does a pepper do when it's mad at you | it gets jalepeno face |
Have you heard about dry erase boards | They're remarkable |
What do you call a serpent that tells on you | A tattlesnake |
why is Yoda only 99% sure of anything | Because only a Sith deals in absolutes |
I asked my chef friend how hard it would be to make a stir-fry in a meadow | He said it was just a wok in the park |
Why did the coffee file a police report | It got mugged |
What is space like without a space suit | Breathtaking |
He nearly fell off the roof laughing so much. Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over. Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now | Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down |
A fisherman is selling fishing supplies at a market | An insecure rich man comes up to him and asks, “what’s your net worth?” |
Why did the blind man fall into the well | Because he couldn't see that well |
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers 1. His father said Hey. What are you doing. Get off of there. His son replied Dad - don't let me down | I'm counting on you |
What's better than a bag of shredded cheese at 3am | 2 bags of shredded cheese at 3am |
Why is the Kool-Aid man able to break all those walls | Because he's made of Punch |
Matthew. McConaughey is for. Matthew | McConaughorses. |
Got my students today I'm explaining problem solving to my HS freshmen physical science class and I get to the part about the formula, which I call a relationship . I say that I, personally, am in a long term relationship with my ex-girlfriend. I thought you were married a bunch shout out. I am, my wife used to be my girlfriend. Groans ensued, but the best part was one young lady shaking her head saying I hate you so much Mr | RichardCranium_ |
I was never close to my dad when he died | Which was lucky really because he stepped on a landmine |
Never expected to get rich when. I started making statues of divine beings in religions. But | I am making prophets. |
Why must all your father's jokes be dadjokes | because he's a groan man |
What did dinosaurs have that no other animals had | Baby dinosaurs |
I’m working for a charity that provides support for elderly grapes | My job is in raisin awareness. |
So my dad noticed a breeze. Dad: Sorry guys, but your computers might shut off. Me: Why. Is the power going out. Dad: I'm closing windows. Me: Really dad | Dad: I saw a window of opportunity |
I went to a zoo and they had a brioche roll in a cage | It was bread in captivity |
Why did the octopus cross the road | To get to the other tide |
yummy. So the | I said *If you think that snowcone is lemon flavored urine for a surprise! * |
Did you hear about the sick bird | He had owlergies |
What's worse than ants in your pants | Uncles in your pants |
Helped my son get my wife Me: What does a horse say. 4 y/o: Neigh. Me: Horses are neigh-sayers. 4 y/o: Yup. Runs into the other room. Horses are neigh-sayers | (Laughs hysterically) Wife, not impressed: What are you teaching him |
A Seal-y Riddle Q. What starts with e, ends with e, and contains one letter. A | An envelope |
What do you call an optimistic rhino | A rhiyes |
My little brother was messing with my grandfather in the car. Bro: You don't even know, old man. I get so many girls. Gdad: Not with that face you don't. Bro: What's wrong with my face. Gdad: Egg-Zachary disease. Bro: Egg-Zachary disease. Gdad: Yeah, your face looks eggzachary like your rear | Bro: |
I have just been diagnosed as being color blind | I know, I know, it’s certainly come out of the purple |
My wife walked in to see that our boys had built a fort in the living room. She shouted, ''PUT THOSE CHAIRS AND BEDSHEETS BACK. I yelled, YOU HEARD YOUR MOTHER | as I climbed out of fort… |
How big is the difference between a man and a woman | There's a vas deferens |
Customer asked if we had any, good buys | I told him, See ya |
Told my dad it cost me $1200 to get my septic tank emptied | He said no shit |
Not trying show off. Last night | I completed a puzzle in 1 hour and the box said 2-4 years. |
Happy Ballet Day. It's 2/2 | Plie have a good one |
What's E. Short For | Because he only has 2 tiny legs |
What kind of cake do you get at McDonalds | A stomachache |
If you're injured, call the law offices of. Passing a billboard for the law offices of Powell, Powell, and Powell, I said to my wife, Those are the attorneys I would call. Why | They're obviously the most Powell-ful firm in town |
What type of horse has the best vision | A Sea Horse |
What’s a seamstress’s favorite beverage | SEWda This joke had my mum in stitches |
The perfect outfit can make a good day great https://i. redd. it/32qkvjdpobk21 | jpg |
Define a percussion instrument | Beats me; I have no idea |
My son broke his foot My son broke his foot a couple days ago and we were out buying his school supplies and he looks at me and says, Son: my foot is tired Me: you should give it a break | 😁😁😁 but you already tried that |
I was talking to my uncle about building a PC, and we got into an argument about how much RAM was sufficient. my dad, out of nowhere popped this pearler Ive got a problem with my RAM. | It's Missing a horn |
I call my gas pedal 'Vincent' | Because it makes my van go. |
Why did the printer go to the gym | To get toner |
What do ghosts do to stay fit | They exorcise |
Kid and I go to doctor check up. He was down to his Avengers underoos and feeling fantastic, nailing every test the doctor threw at him. Look at the light. “no prob” Say ahhh. “AHHHHH”…OK on the ground now. Can you touch your toes “you got it”, Jump up and down. “nailed it” ok can you stand on one foot. pause…. he proceeds to walk over to the doctor and stand with both his feet on top of her left shoe, hanging onto her leg for dear life. The doctor was crying she was laughing so hard. My boy was so proud of himself, he came back over to me with the biggest smile on his face and I gave him the biggest, most well deserved high five of his life | Love that freakin kid |
Where do I go if I want my head chopped into four pieces | The headquarters |
I got a joke about a functioning alcoholic | The punchline works, but it gets a lot of booze |
My dad in the cinema A good few months ago, my dad and I were at the theatre watching The Hobbit Part 2: The Desolation of Smaug. As the movie finished and Smaug flew towards Laketown, my dad said loudly, Well this is really draggin' on | I groaned |
What do you call a female turtle. Thanks dad | A clitortoise |
I texted my dad while golfing today [Here's the screenshot](http://imgur | com/V8H7tH6) |
Mom asks dad when her cat scan appointment is . Dad: ''I'm doing a cat scan right now. *Points to cats as he scans kitchen* 1, 2. '' This was about ten years ago | It's still a classic |
I left my. Adderall in my. Ford. Fiesta. Now it's a. Ford | Focus |
Every time I finish a meal Me- so full. I'm done | Dad- you're not dumb you just don't try hard enough Me- Dad, I'm finished Dad-No honey you aren't Finnish you're American |
Asked to borrow a belt from my dad yesterday. I asked my Dad if I could borrow his brown belt. He said sure, but when I tried it on the prong went 4in past the last hole. Me: Dad, it's too big Dad: What. Let me see that | *puts belt on himself and hooks into the second loop* Dad: I don't know what you're talking about, this fits just fine |
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days | Dunno, they're just a bit shady |
Subsets and Splits