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   The Four Parenting Styles in Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior
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class="main clear"><div class=featured><a class=fancybox href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior.jpg> <img alt="Father points his finger at his worried son"class="attachment-post-thumbnail size-post-thumbnail wp-post-image"sizes="(max-width: 188px) 100vw, 188px"srcset="https://www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior-188x188.jpg 188w, https://www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior-150x150.jpg 150w, https://www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior-68x68.jpg 68w"height=188 loading=lazy src=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior-188x188.jpg width=188> </a></div><h1 class="title entry-title">The Four Parenting Styles in Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior</h1><div class="content clear"><p><span class=dropcap> H </span> ere’s the most common parenting question I get asked, which is a major parenting misconception: Is there one correct way to raise a child? The answer is there is no one right way to raise a child. Like buying a car, becoming friends with your neighbors, or hanging out your clothes to dry, there is no single way to raise a healthy-minded, love-filled, successful child.<p>Having said that, there are four parenting styles you need to be aware of when raising a child, which explain the best parenting styles for a child. How you use a parenting style is up to your judgment. No single correct way to use the styles exists because there are too many variables in parenting and your child.<p>The four parenting styles <a rel="noopener noreferrer"href=http://www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html target=_blank> based on research in parenting </a> are: <span id=more-40> </span><ol><li>Low love and low limits<li>Low love and high limits<li>High love and low limits<li>High love and high limits</ol><p>The love and limit parenting variables describes how a parent disciplines their child. Rarely does a parent remain in one category because the parenting style changes with time due to aspects like parental experience, moods, and maturity of the child. <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/topic/parenting-and-children> Parenting skills </a> also evolve over time. The model helps you find the balance of love and limits to suit you and your child’s situation.<p>Firstly, love is not how much the parent loves the child, but the visibility of love in the discipline process. A dad yelling at his son shows a low love parenting style even though he may greatly love his son. If you have a high love parenting style, you will reason, talk, and spend more time with your child.<p>The second variable, limits, describes <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/how-to-delegate-responsibility-to-anyone> the boundaries placed around a child </a> and how these boundaries are enforced. A low limits style involves little control and few limits for a child, while a high limits style involves clear boundaries and limits.<p>Limits describe whether a parent uses passive, assertive, or aggressive discipline. Passive discipline tends to be hands off parenting; assertive discipline is self-assured and shows respect for others creating a win-win outcome for the parent and child; while aggressive discipline is said to be “old school” with techniques such as smacking, using a wooden space, and yelling.<blockquote style="width: 30%;"class=alignright>Of the four parenting styles, you use the one that feels right.</blockquote><p>Of the four parenting styles, <a rel="noopener noreferrer"href=http://www.familyresource.com/parenting/parent-education/the-four-parenting-styles target=_blank> you use the one that feels right </a> . If your parents used a high limit style and you feel this put you in-line, you will likely adopt similar disciplining techniques. On the contrary, if you felt your parents’ high limit style was distasteful because you hate how they told you what you can and cannot do, you may use a low limit style. It is common to copy your parents’ style or swing to the opposite extreme. However way you were raised, your parents’ style will influence the style that feels right to you.<p>There’s a problem with what feels right. What feels right may not be what’s best for you and your child. Letting your child do as he or she pleases (a low love and low limit style) may feel good, but it does harm. Research concludes that a low love and high limit parenting style is better than a low love and low limit style because children develop poor behavioral patterns from the low discipline parenting style.<p>It’s easy as a parent to use the low love and low limit style. You avoid any action and dodge possible counteractions when disciplining a child by doing nothing. The low/low parenting style has you play a passive role in shaping your child’s behavior and future. If you adopt a passive style of parenting, many factors like culture and the child’s peer group – which influences every child to varying degrees – will determine the child’s mental and emotional growth.<p>In one popular episode of <em> Dr. Phil </em> , Phil McGraw was trying to solve a family’s discipline problems. The mother he talked to on the show avoided disciplining her children because she was afraid they could perceive her as a “bad mother”. She had a low/low parenting style. Dr. Phil got through to the mother by saying something along these lines: “That is an extremely selfish act not disciplining your children when they behave poorly. You are only caring about yourself.” The mum completely agreed and began to change her parenting style.<div class=bonusboxleft><p class=bonusboxheading>Parenting Tips for All Styles<p>Follow these parentings tips from the United States Department of Education, regardless of your parenting style, to <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/topic/parenting-and-children> better your parenting skills </a> :<ol><li>Set a positive example for your child because you are a role model<li>Show respect, avoid humiliation, and be polite<li>Say “I love you” on a regular basis with pats, hugs, and kisses<li>Praise your child while avoiding criticism as much as possible</ol></div><p>Avoid the low love and low limits parenting style in passive parenting for your child’s benefit – and not selfishly use the parenting style because it is easy on you. It is your responsibility as a parent to set boundaries and be involved in your child’s life.<p>With regards to the high limit style, be careful because it is controlling and not recommended if more assertive and loving styles are available. No one likes to be put on a psychological collar, dragged around, and poked by the <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/controlling-people> person controlling </a> them. Refrain from unnecessary control when effective communication skills can be used otherwise you erect a <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/secrets/> barrier to communication </a> that makes the person shut you out.<p>What are you to do then? Researchers and therapists have found the best parenting style that suits various children is a high love style with the right limit style (something you need to figure out). In a situation where the child is under physical danger, you need to be aggressive and set high limits. There are times when aggressive communication is important. I thoroughly explain when and how to be aggressive, passive, and assertive in the sixth chapter of my <em> <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/secrets/> Communication Secrets of Powerful People </a> </em> program.<p>In a situation where your child is inappropriately noisy, an assertive approach is recommended because aggression is unwarranted and you need to quieten him or her down. There are many <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/topic/assertiveness> assertive skills and techniques </a> you can use. One simple technique is to provide two options. You can say, “Children, be quiet or go outside, please.” Presenting options prevents a child from feeling controlled while giving you what you want.<p>Another assertive technique is to state the behavior, effect, and feeling. You could say, “Your squealing (the behavior) is making noise in the house (effect) and has made me distressed (the feeling, which should be a tangible effect for children).”<p>Lastly a passive or low limit approach where you do nothing could be used when the child spills a drink – provided it was an accident. Clean the mess, but <a href=http://afineparent.com/stop-yelling-at-kids/what-to-do-instead-of-yelling-at-kids.html> do not yell or punish the child </a> for a simple accident. Sometimes you need to compromise your own needs to create a win-win result. (To discover more about using love and limits, in addition to my program, you may also want to purchase Ronald Huxley’s <em> <a rel="noopener noreferrer"href=http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FLove-Limits-Achieving-Balance-Parenting%2Fdp%2F1565939360&tag=toptop-20&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325 target=_blank> Love & Limits: Achieving a Balance in Parenting </a> </em> .)<p>Vary your use of limits with the situation. No single style exists to raise a great child. Be loving and be ready to adjust your limiting style to use passive, assertive, or aggressive behavioral discipline. Follow this advice on the four parenting styles to raise a happy, confident child ready for the world.<div style=clear:both;></div><div class=ois-design id=ois-2><div class="ois-outer ois-8-outer"><div class=ois-8-call-top>Want more tools and tactics to improve your life?</div><div class="ois-8-inner ois-inner"><div class="col-md-7 ois-8-left"><div class=ois-8-title>Never miss a tip</div><div class=ois-8-subtitle>Instantly get new articles and bonus tips for free (about once a month) by signing up to the TowerOfPower.com.au newsletter:</div></div><div class="col-md-5 ois-8-right"><div class=ois-8-img-wrapper><img class="ois-img ois-8-img"src=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/themes/top-2013/images/sample.png></div><div class=ois-8-form><form action=https://www.aweber.com/scripts/addlead.pl data-service=custom id=ois-form-2 method=post><div id=ois-8-email-input-wrapper><input class="ois-8-email-input ois-email-input ois-form-control"placeholder="Your Email"name=email></div><div id=ois-8-button-wrapper><input class="ois-btn ois-8-button"value="Free Instant Access"type=submit></div><input name=listname type=hidden value=towerofpower><input name=redirect type=hidden value=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/confirmation-needed><input name=meta_message type=hidden value=1></form></div></div><div style=clear:both></div></div></div></div><div class="yarpp yarpp-related yarpp-related-website yarpp-template-yarpp-template-random"><h3>Other Articles That Might Help You</h3><ol><li><a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/why-people-remain-quiet-shy-and-non-assertive-the-benefits-of-passive-behavior-and-communication rel=bookmark> Why People Remain Quiet, Shy, and Non-Assertive: The Benefits of Passive Behavior and Communication </a> <li><a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/how-to-manage-and-deal-with-an-aggressive-boss rel=bookmark> How to Manage and Deal with an Aggressive Boss </a> <li><a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/teaching-your-child-listening-skills rel=bookmark> Teaching Your Child Listening Skills </a> <li><a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/how-to-say-no rel=bookmark> How to Say No and Be Respected Without Feeling Guilty </a> </ol></div></div></section><section class="about clear"><img class="avatar avatar-60 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/89b7bee055dc4a385c42b1b1755e386a?s=120&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=60 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/89b7bee055dc4a385c42b1b1755e386a?s=60&d=blank&r=pg width=60><div class=info><h1>Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"</h1><p>Joshua Uebergang, aka "Tower of Power", teaches <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au> social skills </a> to help shy guys build friends and influence people. Visit his blog and sign-up free to get communication techniques, relationship-boosting strategies, and life-building tips by email, along with blog updates, and more! Go now to <a href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/> https://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/ </a></div></section><ul class="social clear"><li class=twitter><a data-text="The Four Parenting Styles in Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior"class=twitter-share-button data-url=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior href=https://twitter.com/share> Tweet </a><li class=facebook><div class=fb-like data-href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior data-layout=button_count data-send=false data-show-faces=false></div><li class=googleplus><div class=g-plusone data-href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior data-size=medium></div><li class=pinterest><a data-pin-config=beside data-pin-do=buttonPin data-pin-zero=true href=https://www.pinterest.com/pin/create/button/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.towerofpower.com.au%2Fthe-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior&media=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.towerofpower.com.au%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2008%2F10%2Fthe-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior.jpg&description=The+Four+Parenting+Styles+in+Passive%2C+Aggressive%2C+and+Assertive+Behavior> <img title="Pin it"border=0 src=//assets.pinterest.com/images/pidgets/pin_it_button.png> </a><li class=inshare><script class=inshare data-counter=right data-showzero=true data-url=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior type=in/share>
        </script></ul><ul class=meta><li class=author><a title='Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power"'href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/author/admin> Joshua Uebergang aka "Tower of Power" </a><li class=category><a rel="category tag"href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/topic/assertiveness> Assertiveness </a> , <a rel="category tag"href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/topic/parenting-and-children> Parenting and Children </a><li class=link><a title="The Four Parenting Styles in Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior"href=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/the-four-parenting-styles-in-passive-aggressive-and-assertive-behavior> Permalink </a></ul></article><section class=comments id=comments><h1>Comments</h1><article class="comment even thread-even depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-22><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/5d814dd0313d8b7fb5369f4d6109086b?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/5d814dd0313d8b7fb5369f4d6109086b?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> Necia </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2008-10-29T21:43Z> 29 October 2008 at 9:43 pm </time></div></div><div class=content><p>This is great info to know for any parent.</div></article><article class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-121><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/75628cfae50957f8be4f22e302ce8efe?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/75628cfae50957f8be4f22e302ce8efe?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> Shikha </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2008-11-22T16:40Z> 22 November 2008 at 4:40 pm </time></div></div><div class=content><p>Dear Joshua<p>you are young and therefore I say, you are a pocketsize powerhouse of knowledge. Great to read you!<p>Shikha</div></article><article class="comment even thread-even depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-876><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/9e3915a0aefbeff4fa132612d0ca965d?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/9e3915a0aefbeff4fa132612d0ca965d?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> Emmanuel Kihaule </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2009-05-06T19:23Z> 6 May 2009 at 7:23 pm </time></div></div><div class=content><p>Joshua,<p>You’re such a great communicator and I tell you my life in the communications field has never been the same since I joined your blog. I also get positive response to all that I shared the articles with.<p>Please keep up the good spirit.<p>Emmanuel, Tanzania</div></article><article class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-877><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/454972ed064be0c490865804047b6dfb?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/454972ed064be0c490865804047b6dfb?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> sheik abdullah </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2009-05-06T21:45Z> 6 May 2009 at 9:45 pm </time></div></div><div class=content><p>dear josh,<p>it’s a vital information for parenting. <br> any person’s personal life success completes, when they given a successful & good moral child to the society.<p>shiek abdullah</div></article><article class="comment even thread-even depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-883><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/ee150caff5e0f1551f5003a4a8a3563e?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/ee150caff5e0f1551f5003a4a8a3563e?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> vani </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2009-05-08T23:37Z> 8 May 2009 at 11:37 pm </time></div></div><div class=content><p>Josh, a real eye opener on how to live with a child. Thanks for the practical tips. hope I will succeed.</div></article><article class="comment odd alt thread-odd thread-alt depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-12741><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/759c98ee3c3ba2002c96ec5c722b72aa?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/759c98ee3c3ba2002c96ec5c722b72aa?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> M </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2011-08-28T10:13Z> 28 August 2011 at 10:13 am </time></div></div><div class=content><p>I want to comment on Dr. Phil’s comment on having low discipline being a selfish act. That’s untrue because the whole reason a person will choose that way is that they don’t want to be selfish or mean. I also believe that authoritarian type parenting is along the lines being controlling. You are defining the child instead of giving the child room to define who it is. I think setting healthy boundaries are good, but I dissagree with you that low love and high limits is better than high love and low limits. First off low love is never good in any situation, and depending on the child’s personality and temperament it could damage the person emotionally. I also think that if you are a healthy person generally you children will have something to model. Because of who I was my parents were no love and high limits crushed me. It was similar to the article about Alisha and Randy in the article about the controlling person. I didn’t know who I was. It took a very long time to feel safe enough to even feel comfortable with figuring that out.</div></article><article class="comment even depth-2 comment level-1"id=comment-12743><img class="avatar avatar-35 photo"srcset="https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/759c98ee3c3ba2002c96ec5c722b72aa?s=70&d=blank&r=pg 2x"alt height=35 loading=lazy src=https://secure.gravatar.com/avatar/759c98ee3c3ba2002c96ec5c722b72aa?s=35&d=blank&r=pg width=35><div class=meta><cite> M </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2011-08-28T10:32Z> 28 August 2011 at 10:32 am </time></div></div><div class=content><p>I also want to add allowing the child to do what it pleases is only harmful when they are doing things that could be bad for them or others. You would want to find out why they feel compelled or attracted to thinks like drug or underage drinking.<p>You wouldn’t want to stop a child from doing what it pleases if what pleased it was doing well in school and eating healthy.<p>Depending on the child’s personality and temperment you would want to find out why they are drawn to that?<p>Do they have a learning disability? Are they experiencing stress? Is what they want not avaliable from you so they are settling for these other behaviors? Are there self esteem issues that you have failed to discover and address?<p>You would want to figure out why they would chose drugs and alcohol over doing well in school and eating healthy?<p>There personality may feel challenged with making bonds and connections. They may feel like they can’t ask for what they want or need from you. They gave up on what they wanted because you didn’t allow the freedom to the child to express itself as who it was. What they wanted wasn’t possible from you so they took another direction.<p>If you look at kids who grow up in low income neighborhoods, they don’t have the same possibilities as children who do. They may want to do something creative or not know why they have issues focusing or paying attention in school, but because what they want isn’t a available, they have no choice but to choose another path. Setting high limits and or being authoritative won’t change the real issue. Attempting o define who the child should be won’t either. They will just hide it from you.</div></article><article class="pingback odd alt thread-even depth-1 comment level-0"id=comment-166458><div class=meta><cite> <a rel="external nofollow ugc"class=url href=http://www.goodparent.xyz/2016/03/26/parenting-leadership-styles/> Parenting Leadership Styles – Anakku Harapanku Dunia Akhiratku </a> </cite><div class=date><time datetime=2016-03-26T21:12Z> 26 March 2016 at 9:12 pm </time></div></div><div class=content><p>[…] The Four Parenting Styles in Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behavior […]</div></article></section></section><aside class=beta id=aside><ul><li class="widget widget_text widget-text"id=text-5><h1>How to Be a People Magnet</h1> <div class=textwidget>Join 16,107 people for free tips and secrets to make friends and improve your relationships by entering your name and email in the form below. <div style="text-align:center; margin:auto"><div style="display: none;"><img alt src=https://forms.aweber.com/form/displays.htm?id=LKxMrGxMjJyM></div><form action=https://www.aweber.com/scripts/addlead.pl method=post><input name=meta_web_form_id type=hidden value=452562191><input name=meta_split_id type=hidden><input name=unit type=hidden value=towerofpower><input id=redirect_a76ef5abaaa0d4a40c863cb589a61bc6 name=redirect type=hidden value=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/confirmation-needed><input name=meta_redirect_onlist type=hidden value=https://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/already-subscribed><input name=meta_adtracking type=hidden value=sidebar><input name=meta_message type=hidden value=1><input name=meta_required type=hidden value=name,email><input name=meta_tooltip type=hidden><input onclick="if(this.value=='First Name')this.value='';"value="First Name"name=name style=margin-bottom:4px tabindex=500><input name=email onclick=if(this.value=='Email')this.value=''; style=margin-bottom:4px tabindex=501 value=Email><button class="normal icon-16"tabindex=502><span style="background-image: url(//www.towerofpower.com.au/wp-content/themes/website/data/img/icons/16/sign-in.png);"> </span> Free Instant Access</button><div style=font-size:9px>100% confidential. 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