"The Rabbi's Cat" "Algiers, North Africa 1930s" "Jews don't like dogs, they bite and chase." "And Jews have been chased so much, they prefer cats." "Well" " I don't know about other Jews, but that's what my master says." "My master is Rabbi Sfar." "Me, I don't have a name, but in the casbah of Algiers, they call me the rabbi's cat." " Zlabya!" " That's master Zlabya." " Daughter!" " A name as sweet as a honeycake." "Remember when she was little, she'd run to hug me?" "Zlabya." "Zlabya I love you!" "Zlabya I love you!" " Why is he saying that?" " It was Knidelette's idea." "My name's too sophisticated for a bird to pronounce." ""Zlabya" is more common." "Boys don't say your name, either." "There's no lineup to see you." "If it wasn't for dad, they'd be falling over each other!" "Is this how you talk in a rabbi's house?" "I mean, luckily my dad watches out for me." " Meow!" " Yes, and my cat." " Aren't you busy, Knidelette?" " No." "That's a polite way of telling you to go home." "Fine." " See you tomorrow." " Yes." "Tomorrow." "Zlabya I love you!" "Aw, my little cat, does the parrot bother you?" "You love that cat more than me." "What if the house was on fire, and you could only save one of us?" "Dad!" "Stop the emotional blackmail." " Go practice piano." " Yes father." " I want to clearly hear you!" " Yes dear father." "He's teasing me." " Did you eat my parrot?" " No." " What?" " Not me." "Then where is it?" "Why are you shouting?" "I'm tired" " I thought the cat had talked." "You're working too hard." "Anyway I didn't eat the parrot." " What did he say?" "!" " A lie!" "Killer!" "Liar!" "You're a devil!" "Dad, the cat talks!" "Ok, don't make a scene." "It's a miracle!" "Stay back, he could be dangerous." "I've always served you." "Why don't you trust me now?" "Because your first words were lies!" "I didn't eat the parrot, I'm not hungry." "You lie to hide a murder!" "Dad, it's a cat who ate a bird." "Is that a crime?" ""Mortally scared by Julian's arrival," ""Madam Reynal soon fell prey to the cruelest anxieties." ""My god!" "To be happy," ""to be loved, is that all it is?"" "What are you reading?" " Stendhal." " The Red and the Black." "The cat can read?" "Since when?" "We learned together, but I could only meow." "That's a political book!" "Did the cat give you that propaganda?" " What propaganda?" " Not at all, it's a romance." "Even better!" "Give me that." "I forbid you from seeing this cat except in my presence!" " He's MY cat!" " Young lady..." "At your delicate age, I don't want you seeing just anyone." "The rabbi won't leave me alone with her, afraid that I'll give her bad ideas." "He keeps me under guard." "I'm so bored!" " What's that, master?" " The Talmud." " Interesting?" " It says how to be a good Jew." " For example, it says lying is bad." " Should I feel concerned?" "Why not?" "Well, I'm just a cat." "I don't know if I'm Jewish." " Of course!" "You're our pet." " I'm not circumcised!" " Oh, cats don't get that." " I haven't had my bar mitzvah!" "That's when you're 13." "I'm 7, that's 49 in human years." "If I'm a Jewish cat, I have to do my bar mitzvah!" " Why are we visiting your rabbi?" " Because you're driving me crazy!" "Your problem's been stuck in my head all morning!" "Don't leave me here if he beats his students." "Quiet." "No, no, NO!" "It doesn't matter that he talks" " No bar mitzvah!" "And why not?" "It's not meant for cats." "But master of my master, how are cats and humans different?" "God made man in his image." "Ok, then can you please show me a picture of God?" "Impossible." "It's the Word of God." "Oh, so if man is like God because of words, then I'm like man." "No, because your words are bad!" "You got them through an act of death." " I didn't eat the parrot." " You're a liar, too." "Words let you say anything, even things that aren't true." "It's great, try it." "Abraham, you should drown your cat." "Really?" "No, I'm fond of him, and he hates water." "Who are you, to kill me?" "I am the Eternal One, testing you in the form of a cat!" "I am God, and not at all satisfied with your behavior!" "You have been as cruel to me as some Christians have been to Jews!" "Lord God, forgive me for I have sinned!" "I'm guilty!" "Kidding!" "I'm a cat, you can get up." "You blaspheme, you lie, you take the name of God!" "We should drown you right now!" "Enough!" "I want to have my bar mitzvah and convert!" "Why." "If I'm a good Jew, the rabbi will let me see Zlabya, my master." "I can't live without her, for she is my joy!" "Love is a beautiful thing." "No." "No!" "NO!" "Your motivations to convert aren't good!" "Your love of God isn't sincere!" "I never mentioned loving God." "To become Jewish, you must fear God, put yourself under his protection and cherish him." "A Jew must see God's presence in all things." "Think of God, who brings light when days are gray." "Your love of God must be almost carnal!" "Oh no..." "Loving God is important!" "We're always in his arms," "He's strong and we're happy," "When he takes care of us!" "Yep, your love of God is exactly how I feel about Zlabya." "Animal!" "You walk on four legs, close to the ground!" "You can't rise to God's love!" "Your love is vulgar!" " Blasphemer, my master is real." " Only God is real!" "God was invented to make you feel better, when there's nobody to take care of you, because you're old and your parents are dead." "Me, I'll always have my master because I'll die before she does." "Get out!" " Keeping me?" " Foul beast." "What?" "I wanted to know what telling the truth is like." "Yes, you lie when you shouldn't, and upset people with the truth." "I've been upset since I started talking." "Zlabya used to pamper me..." "I'd do anything to see her again." "Quiet, you're faking it." "You can't return to the Garden of Eden." "Let's find a rabbi who'll let me have a bar mitzvah." "No sane rabbi would want to teach a cat." " Find a crazy one." " I don't know any." " That leaves you." " I don't want that heavy responsibility." "Your daughter could teach..." "Well, ok, no..." "And she's crying, without her wonderful cat..." "My cat!" "I want my cat..." "My master... my master..." "my master!" "Fine, you win." "I'll teach this beast, so please, stop crying." "Now I'm crying with joy, father!" "And so my teacher gives me my first lesson on Judaism." "This is the story of how the world began." "Our Lord God created it in 7 days, 5700 years ago." " You're kidding." " No, it's the truth." "That's ridiculous!" "Carbon-14 dating proves the world is millions of years old!" "Carbon-14 could be wrong." "Maybe Noah's flood eroded the soil and made it appear older." "Not even a kitten would believe that!" " My rabbi taught me that." " You know what I think of him." "Maybe years only exist because we count them." "5700 years could be the age of the first calendar." " That sounds better." " Good." "Adam and Eve were the origin of all mankind." " They're symbols." " No!" "They're the truth!" "Truth is prehistoric man." " Know-it-all." " What?" "You think scientific words make you understand." "The rabbi got mail today, but first he's having breakfast." "What are these?" "This one's from Paris." "Nothing, just papers." "The rabbi wants to savor the moment of reading his mail." "You're coming with me." "We don't serve Arabs or Jews." " Well..." "I don't see a sign." " Get out." "Let's go, master..." "I saw you were going to rip him to pieces!" "I like the fountain, it's for everyone." "And water is the best drink, God bless." "I'd prefer milk fountains." "Going to read your mail?" "What were the letters?" "I love knowing something you don't know." " Talk." " For a fish." "So talk!" "Now scratch me under the chin." " Talk or I slap you!" " Ok, ok." "The Paris letter says he has to pass an exam." " Medical?" " No, a French language test." " Oh, is that all?" " The other letter is more interesting." "Cousin Malka is coming to visit." " Malka of the lions?" " Zlabya!" " Yes father?" " I need some French books." "Books?" "Why?" "I have to write a test to be the local rabbi." " You already are." " Not officially." "Why do the French officials need to test you?" "Competence." "You can't have just anyone be a rabbi." "It's humiliating." "Oh, what do you know?" "Give me your books!" "(Fables of La Fontaine)" " Stop staring at me like an idiot." " Make yourself useful and dictate." " "Daphnis and Alcimadure."" " What's that?" " The title." " That's a fable?" " Yes." " Pick another." " Ok, "The wax candle."" " No, something easier!" " "Jupiter and the passenger."" ""How much would the gods..."" " The **gods?" "*" " Yes." "That won't do." "Find a monotheistic fable with normal animals that I know how to spell!" " "The cat, the weasel and the bunny"?" " Ok." " You want kosher animals?" " Shut up and read." " Read or shut up?" " Read!" "Ok, "In a bunny's palace, Mrs. Weasel..."" "Slowly... slowly..." "Malka is coming to visit!" "He's staying with us." "Can we see him?" "Yes, he's performing in the city, and speaking in the synagogue." "Can we come over to meet him?" "No, he'll be busy and tired." "I'd be a good wife for him." "Idiot, not a chance." "He only likes desert women." ""The crow, embarrassed - embarraSSSSed..." " "and confuSSSSed..."" " Why the whistling?" " "Swore he would never be tricked again."" " Hold it." ""Never be tricked agaiNNN."" "There." "Finished." "Listen, master, you'll never do it without me." "What?" "I did ok." "Your handwriting is good, but your spelling..." "I know, we'll pray." "Pray if you want, but I'll write the test." "How dare you!" "That's completely dishonest." "You've been rabbi for 30 years, and pray in Hebrew for Jews who speak Arabic." "Why respect a crazy law to make you write in French?" "Without me, you'll fail." "Come, master, let's sleep." "Before I could speak, my dreams were simple." "I chased small things, and big ones chased me." "I'd run away and hide in the arms of my master, who would pet and caress me." "The dreams of a kitten." "After I could speak, it all changed." "Nightmares." "I dream my master is sick and can't get better." "Then she's gone and they say she's on a trip." "I say she's thinking of me and will return soon with a gift." "But the rabbi can't let me pretend any more." "On his lap, he tells me the truth." "She's dead." "Yes." "Now that I talk, I often dream that she's dead." "Alone with me, the rabbi rejects his faith, leaving his teacher and his students." "To lift his spirits, I pretend I believe in God." "Hey master..." "Hey master!" "Look, God is everywhere!" "Yeah, I've heard it before." "I tell him I want a bar mitzvah, to make him feel responsible for someone." "That's enough!" "Why do you want to be human when I'd rather be a cat?" "I dream we become cats." "We crawl through the streets at night, eating wasted meat that isn't kosher." "I catch a female by the neck so she learns about it..." "My master doesn't want it." "Not like that." "Some humanity remains, and we look for Zlabya." "But she's not at her piano." "Nor in the kitchen." "Nor reading." "She's in her grave... where we have no right to go." "Ah!" "Was it a nightmare?" "Maybe we had the same one!" "My cat..." " I wish you couldn't talk." " Me too." "The test was being held in a school." "My master thought there would be other rabbis, but he was the only one." "Open up!" "Hey, let me in!" ""In the morning, the baker..."" "Oh no, he's scratching things out!" "He's screwing up!" "What's the point of being able to talk if I can't help you?" "What can I do?" "Your God won't help, unless..." "Baruch atah Adonai!" " Sacrilege!" " What?" "Don't say the name of God!" " It's meant for miracles!" " I didn't say it, I thought it." "Only use that magic word for prayer!" "I don't care if it's forbidden!" "Adonai!" "If prayer works, then - Adonai!" "My master loves you and is flunking his test!" "Adonai, Adonai, Adonai, meow..." " "...to his work." - "...his work."" " "Last night..." - "Last... night..."" ""The baker..."" "How'd it go?" "It's ok, no one's listening." "Oh..." "Father!" "I think the cat's stopped talking." " You spoke with him?" " No!" "No, but... he meows." " Let him meow." " It went badly?" "I don't know, I did my best, but..." "I think I blew it." "Since the test, my master has become apathetic." "He doesn't laugh." "He used to joke about the goats in the tree." "He'd say, "Look, a goat tree!" "They fall when they're ripe."" "But now, he walks by without seeing them." "Mr. Sfar!" "You got a letter!" "The test results?" "From Paris, must be important." "Yep, it is..." "I'm not letting this ruin Malka's arrival." "Cousin Malka!" "Is he coming here?" " I told him to meet me." " Where?" " The French café." " Are you sure?" "!" "He's crazy!" "Does he want to get beaten up?" "!" "Ok, he's singing..." "Master, it's not worth the trouble..." "We could meet at the fountain... huh?" "Master?" "Huh?" "Master..." "Huh?" "When suddenly, here comes Malka... with his pet lion!" "Ha!" "Gonna tell him to get out?" " What'll it be?" " Cousin Malka!" " Looking good!" " It's not too obvious?" " What is?" " My moustache is dyed." "No, really?" "You're 20 years young!" " Come on." " The years haven't touched you." " Flatterer." " You look good anyway." "I greet the old lion" " I can still talk to other animals." " Shalom, good fellow!" " Shalom, little one." " Careful, don't break anything." " And don't scuff the tile!" "Don't worry, he's tame." "Malka!" "Malka of the lions..." "Good day, Mr. Malka," "I'm Knidelette, Zlabya's best friend." "A pleasure." "Enchanted." " What's that box?" " Books from Russia." "Oh yes, to save them from being burned by the communists." " Aren't you happy to help?" " Yeah yeah." "You should stop avoiding that letter." "Enough, girl." "I'll deal with it soon." "You guys share, ok?" " Your cookies are delicious!" " I made them." "From my mom's recipe." "Malka, you should talk to dad, he's not well." "You're right, I'll go see him." "You're cruel!" "Did you say that to keep Malka away from me?" "He's been taken for a long time." " She must be old." " Like age matters." "You're so naive, Zlabya." "The rabbi tells Malka about the disastrous test." "Remember when we used to stay up past bedtime?" "You always hid your aunt's wine under the bed." "Hah!" "I knew it." " Malka." " What?" "I'll be away for a few days, to think." "Nothing stupid?" "My ancestor's grave, he helps me." "I'll be back soon." "Hey cousin!" "I could kill the mailman." "Killing one guy can fix everything." "That way, no letter!" "That's sweet, but no." "Look after the house while I'm gone." "The rabbi's great-grandfather was a doctor and a saint." "My master makes a pilgrimage to his grave each year." " Salam alaikum!" " Shalom aleikhem!" "Salam alaikum!" "Alaikum salam!" "Who's your master?" " That's Sheik Sfar, stupid." " An Arab named Sfar?" "You ass, Sfar means "yellow" in Arabic, like sulfur." "We're going to the grave of our ancestor, Messaoud." " So are we!" " But he was a Sufi!" " No, he was a Rabbi!" " Take that back!" " The animals look tired." " Yes, let's take a break." "Adios mi amor!" "Besame," "Muchacho adios..." "Strange donkey, he reads music and sings in three languages." "Amazing." "And off-key!" "A talking donkey will always be a donkey." " Couldn't you teach it?" " Yes, but with no expectations." "You know," "We should live alone in a cave, with my books and your music." "No, Allah would admonish us, like Jonah sulking under his tree." "So?" "After years of helping everyone else, don't we have the right to peace and quiet?" "No." "Still, my brother, I don't want to go home." "Why?" "I've been a rabbi for 30 years, and without even meeting me," "Paris sent a letter saying I'm a rabbi of nothing." " Show me." " Here, you open it." "You know what it says?" "That one, yes." "You thought God had left you?" "Big mistake, listen..." ""Dear rabbi, we're delighted to give you a mark of 10.5 on your exam."" " An exam?" " Keep reading!" ""With your diploma, the Consistory is very proud of you, and hopes that other rabbis..." ""...will follow your example and rise above being dumbasses."" " They said that?" " No." " Dumbass was me." " I'm still a rabbi!" "Hug me!" " Let's pray!" " Watch the glasses!" "So they prayed towards Jerusalem and Mecca." "They danced and sang, drunk with joy, and in the frenzy, I wished I could speak again!" "But I couldn't." "The rabbi didn't even finish his pilgrimage, running home to tell the big news." "Daughter, cousin, great news!" "Come on, open that box!" "Just in time to help." " With my books?" " With inspection." " They're prayer books." " From Russia." " So?" " You know those Russian Jews?" " Well, they're Jews." " Yeah yeah, we'll see." "They'll look good with the other books in our synagogue." " Not until I check them!" " What are you afraid of?" " I'm on guard." " Against what?" "Haven't you heard of..." "Communism?" "Open it!" " A corpse!" " A Russian corpse!" "How should we pray?" "In Yiddish?" "Is he even Jewish?" "He's alive!" "You hear me?" "He's alive!" "A-live!" "Alive!" "Oh, shut up!" " I'll get more rabbis!" " Check the bar, too!" "Soon it's like a Jewish court." "10 rabbis, a circumciser, students, spectators, a chicken..." "And no ideas." "They're afraid of the police and everyone." "If he has a foreskin, it'll determine his religion and funeral rite." "Ah, you're lucky I'm here!" "I'm a certified expert!" "What if he's Christian?" "They'd accuse us of defiling him!" "We could try the Christian rite." " You don't know how!" " I speak some Latin." "You'd say what, the Kaddish?" "I think he's Jewish, he was boxed up with Talmuds." "So?" "Jewish or not, he's Russian!" " Do they even bury their dead?" " Of course!" "Says the smarty-pants who wrote an exam." "Close it up and send him back!" "Take out the books first." "God's curse upon he who denies a man's burial!" "It's like putting baby Moses back in the Nile!" " No, send him back to his own kind!" " Never!" " They all agree with me!" " Yeah!" "Hey!" "You want proof he's not dead?" "He's undead!" "Close the box!" "(Speaks in Russian)" "No one can understand either of us." " They don't know how to listen." " No one here speaks Russian?" " I understand you!" " A talking cat." "Finally, a human who can hear me again!" "The others can't." "Oh." "You can't be my interpreter, then." "Nope!" "But if it helps to talk..." "These people, this house" " Algeria?" "Yes!" "You're in Algiers." "Oh good..." "Everyone out, give him air!" "You can see he's not well." "Go on!" "Shoo!" "Let's sit him in the yard." "Is our survivor feeling better?" "I've got an idea." "He might understand my prayer book." "Hey, Michael Strogoff!" "Can you read this?" "Modeh... oni..." "Lefaneha." "Lefaneho." "Ugh, his pronunciation!" "Shalom aleikhem." "Shalom oleikhem." " Oh dear..." " Is it working?" "He says "o" instead of "a"." "Try Hebrew?" "It's not conversational." "Spanish is a language, Hebrew is only for prayer." "Zlabya?" "Aren't you busy?" "Go inside, you're being a pest." "Off with you!" " Now what?" " He wants my help!" " Can't I help a fugitive?" " Fugitive?" "If he's dumb enough to end up in a box, you think he's on the run?" "What's your idea, hide-and-seek?" "Hey moron, you jumped into a box with no food, but took some paint with you?" "Dad, be serious!" "Look, it's so good, it's like it's moving..." "Yep, he's crazy." "He left Russia to get lost in Africa." "Da, da!" "Vastenov." "Vastenov." "Vastenov?" "That's a Russian name." " Someone in Algiers?" " Da, da!" "Vastenov!" "A Russian, here?" "That's like a needle in a haystack!" "You can do it dad, with all your connections!" "Zlabya thinks I know everyone." "Ok, who here could help me?" "Just go to the Russian church!" "Stop that noise!" " Hey, how about the Russian church?" " What a bright idea." " Father?" " Come in, come in!" "I'm Rabbi Sfar, from the little synagogue by the harbor." "I'm looking for someone who speaks Russian..." " Oh, I'm Catholic." " Not Orthodox?" "This church was abandoned, so I was posted here." "Ah." "So you don't know any Russians?" "Oh, I've got one!" "But he takes prayer without me." "He's quite the character!" "Mr. Vastenov." " Vastenov?" "You're kidding!" " Not at all!" " Where can I find him?" " He's right here!" " Here?" " Take a look." "He comes in a luxury car with a beautiful woman." "Quite depraved, but he prays an hour each day." "Ooh, God!" "You never again see me at church!" "You let Tsar die!" "I come no more!" "My son, it's all right to scold the Lord." "It shows you believe." " Are you retired?" " Retired?" "!" "I have sex life, day and night!" "I running, swimming..." "Of course, of course." "And this is Rabbi Sfar, who wants to meet you." "Ah!" "I never refuse "drinking" new friends!" " Urchins, rabbi?" " Sorry, I can't." "Very nice." " And murder?" " Pardon?" " You never kill someone?" " My son..." "You neither?" "Since my exile, what I miss most is murder!" "I am bored, very." "Luckily, there is love." "Love of God?" "Me, I love my departed wife." "I love my daughter, my cat and the Torah." "I love alcohol, women, my car, smoking, and literature." "Kid stuff." "You cling to youth to forget the rest." "Like a thrown pebble, life is short, it soon stops." "Hmm, explain." "When I drive, I watch the road." "That's sad!" "Let's drink!" "Get out!" "Sycophant!" "Whoa!" "What's going on here?" "The undead guy is painting your daughter!" " So?" " So..." "The second commandment forbids it!" ""You shall have no other gods before me, make no graven image..."" "Yes, I know it." "I think it's very good, let them keep going." "Yeah, and next he'll sleep with her!" "That's enough!" "Rabbi, I respect you, but this is my house." "Go home." "Abraham, how dare she order me around!" "I demand you burn that painting and punish your daughter!" " Yes, women must obey!" " Get out, you old dirtbag!" "You and your leering student." "You!" "Go find yourself a wife instead of this old man!" "You can't even look me in the eye?" "Get out!" "Who's that?" " A Russian." " You needed another?" "Her shameful conduct is funny?" "Yes, she is great!" "Is first time I see angry Jew!" "In Russia, head is always down." "Your girl would scare the Cossacks!" "Very nice model of Jewish woman..." "Well, keep away from her, you're here to translate." "Vastenov?" "You found him?" "Vastenov!" " Ok guys, let's talk." " What about my portrait?" "So what does this Russian want here?" "We know he's Jewish." "For us, Jew is not Russian." "He remains Jew." " How so?" " Changes everything." "A Russian can be provoked into duel." "A Jew, we burn." "A Russian seduces a woman." "A Jew, we take." "Didn't the revolution change that?" "You make joke!" "I like." "Can you ask him what he wants?" "(Speaks in Russian)" " Well?" " He must go to Ethiopia." "Tell them I'm not crazy." "He's a nutcase who doesn't know geography." "The descendants of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba are there." "He says, over there are blacks who are also Jews." "A Jewish settlement?" " I want to paint there." " That's great!" "So much room for a homeless people." "As Jews, we should help!" "Let's go with him!" " Imagine, African Jews!" " We're the African Jews." "No, in black Africa." "Black Jews?" "!" "How dare you say that?" "You're racist!" "No one's ever seen a black Jew." " Wouldn't surprise me." " He says he's used to them." "That's Russia, but here in Africa, we're the Jews." "Well said!" "How do you know that Moses was white?" "Yes, can we even prove white ancestry?" "Blacks are enslaved." "Jews are massacred." "It's one or the other, not both." " I've got proof." " Color photos of Moses?" "Better, a government report." "Russia wants to deport all their Jews to another country without upsetting Europe." "Nice project." "They found black Jews in Ethiopia." "The Falasha." "Look at this," "I hid more than paint in my pockets." ""In Ethiopia, have found black populace who speak Aramaic..." ""and practice strict Judaism..." Hey, this is authentic!" "Amazing!" "I can pay for the whole expedition!" "Will there be giraffes?" "And I am excellent guide!" "I could make map of African brothels," "I know them well." "That's it, I'm out of here." "Isaac, Abraham, let's go!" "I want to hear their idea." "Trust me, we will travel in comfort!" " Even old guy can come." " What old guy?" "Do I have to plug your ears to avoid temptation?" "Mr. Vastenov, why did this man seek you out, specifically?" "Because only I have something that gets Jewish painter across Africa!" "Voilà!" "A 1925 Citroen half-track!" "What a beauty!" "May I?" "Trust me Vastenov, in a week she'll be like new!" "And I can drive if you want." "Dad." "Dad!" "Malka's staying to watch over you, don't worry." "Don't you like having him around?" "Well yes, I like him, but I want to go with you." "It's an amazing chance to see the world!" "And I can't go?" "It's not fair!" "Hey, that's life." "Malka, hand me that bag of salt." "What are you putting on my Citroen?" "!" "Huh?" "The symbol of Jerusalem!" "It'll bring us luck." "No it won't!" "People will think we're Jewish!" " Uh, it will?" "Um..." " Erase it!" "No." "It stays." "Enough!" "I'll only go under the Russian banner." "Oh hey!" "Let's sneak it in by combining the two flags!" "Good idea, cat." "You're leaving me too?" "Don't be sad, master, I'll be back soon." "Do you miss Rabbi Sfar?" "No, he must be home by now, celebrating with his family." "We'll see him next year." " For now, enjoy the silence." " But it's lonely..." "That's why you're not good at music." "You never appreciate the silent parts." "What's all that dust?" "Cousin!" "Check us out!" "Abraham!" "What's that silly flag?" " The Russian empire!" " And Jerusalem!" " We're invading Africa!" " What are you talking about?" "Listen." "We're going on a big adventure, and the nutcase is paying for it." "Ah." "We need you, don't say no." "Finding Jerusalem, whatever," "I can pick up some new songs." "Look, we're driving an authentic Citroen, it's crossed the country before." "Let's hope it can cross it again." "What a machine!" "Guess how big the tank is, go on, guess!" "180 Liters!" "Amazing!" "That's nice, but couldn't we take a boat?" "Ah, no, we want a road trip!" "The painter is happy!" "His star shines on the flag, and he has all the art supplies he needs." "He paints scene after scene." "But what is there to paint in the desert?" " The colors." " Sky and sand?" "Boring." "I can change them." "Instead of calm sands, I can put in other things." "If you make it up, why travel?" "You could have painted this in Russia." "No, not the same way." "Anyway, I prefer looking at the real thing." "Me too, so I take a good look first." "Painting doesn't stop me from enjoying what's real." "What do you get out of it?" "It's like when you bite into your prey." "It was alive and beautiful, but your instincts take over, and you bite in." "That, I understand." "Is that a mouse?" "..." " See, this belt drives the motor." " And this?" "This?" "The radiator!" " Tell the rabbi his cat is ill." " Huh?" "The painter says it is talking cat." " How does he know that?" " He says since he arrive, cat keep talking to him." "He used to talk to me." "Maybe he's chosen a new master." "Why don't you pray?" "I prayed all day for my wife, and the Lord did nothing." "He won't help my cat." "Oh, stop it." "Is just cat, bury it..." " No!" " He's important." "Animals mean more to us than replacing a broken car." "We share long lives." "Can a scorpion bite be cured?" "I know a tribal chief in this area." "Their camp isn't far." "His holy man works wonders!" " Are you friends?" " No, but there's respect." "Be careful at the camp, they're very sensitive." "What topics should we avoid?" "Don't talk about religion, they're fanatics." "If my prince didn't respect Sheik Sfar," "I wouldn't have dirtied my hands on a cat." " My cat with no name." " He'll live." "My deepest thanks." "What's your name?" " Professor Soliman." " I could name my cat after you." "That would be an insult, it's the name of a prophet." "Giving it to a beast would be quite improper." "Sorry." "He'll stay nameless." "But I'll pray for you." " You're Jewish?" " Yes." "Your prayers won't go far." "Thanks for my cat..." " My old master..." " Huh?" "But..." "Another madhouse?" "You can talk again?" "Oh, praise God!" "I don't know why you stopped, but I'm so happy!" "I never stopped, you didn't listen." " You were meowing." " I've so much to tell you!" "Not in front of these people, they're very touchy!" "What are you doing?" "!" "Calm down, my brother." "It's a portrait to thank the prince for his hospitality." "(Speaks in Russian)" "The Koran forbids depicting the human body!" " I know it better than you." " Liar!" "You dare to call me a liar?" "Here's the Koran." "Show me where it forbids your prince's portrait." "(Speaks in Russian)" "Do you want him to stop?" "No, we forbid statues that might be false idols." "An image within a frame projects no shadow." "My descendants will be happy to know what I looked like." "Ha!" "Avoid talking about religion, you said!" "I know, I'm sensitive about it too." "I've been around for 75 years, thanking my prophet five times a day." "No kid is going to teach me religion." "Our god isn't about hate." "He likes the arts and sciences, and seeing his children at peace." "How sad he lets so many fools speak in his name." "Come join the banquet," "I'm offering the painting to the prince." " You need to interpret." " Ha ha!" "I'll load my gun, it's the language of the future!" "Everyone understands it." "You pretend to be callous, but actually you're respectful." "Oh ho, watch it, painter." "I respect no one." "Screw you all!" "Jews, Arabs, Reds, friendship between peoples..." "Bullshit." "Here's to friendship between men!" "Come on, time to eat." "Ah, here's my portrait." "My friend, thank you!" "You saved my cat, and he's talking again!" " Thank you, sir!" " Shhh!" "I have enemies here." "If they hear you, we'll get beheaded as sorcerers!" " Um, meow." " Better." "I'm pleased." "Let's eat!" "Missing your handsome painter?" "I'm worried about dad." "He's getting old." "Zlabya, how can you say that?" "He's brave, strong, and knows all about Africa." " How?" " His rabbi taught us as kids." "That's comforting?" "In the Bible, where does Moses live?" "With Esquimos?" "The Bible takes place in Africa." "If you know the Torah, you're all set." " Isn't it in the Middle-East?" " You know more than me?" "Go on." "No, sorry." "This is Africa, this is Israel." "This is your father's path, he's near Jerusalem." " Where is he now?" " There." " Is he well?" " Listen," "He's with a tribe who are very friendly to Jews." "And where are your women?" "Where do you put the big-breasted desert girls?" "Some jewels are best kept safe." "Will they eat our leftovers when we're done?" "Quiet, Vastenov." "Sorry, he's high-strung, ignore him." "**I'm* high-strung?" "My prince, we won't be insulted at our table." "A disgraceful example of the evil of alcohol." "Drunk or not, we should cut off his head." " Yes, it's not forbidden." " You want to play?" " I don't fear you." " I like death." " I like it more!" " Ah no no." "Wait!" "Hold off until after dinner, we'll talk and you might change your mind." "Mmm, yes, Jew." " Let's talk about religion." " Oh, not at dinner." "Tell us about Islam and Judaism." "Uh, what to say..." "They're both very nice." "There's a lot in common, we have the same pastries." " Isn't Islam better?" " Yes, of course!" "Then why not convert?" "The Koran says to respect the children of Abraham." "You prefer Jews to your own kind!" "Two choices." "Either he accepts Mohammed, or he talks to my sword." "Listen, be reasonable." "How about this," "Let me stay Jewish, I know all the prayers," "It's too late to start over, even though Islam is better." "Good answer, Jew!" "Hahaha..." "Now listen up!" "Which of the prophets had the longest beard?" "Moses, Jesus, or Mohammed?" " Enough, be silent!" " Try it!" "Bow down before a soldier of God!" "Killing infidels brings me closer to God!" "I've killed more, God loves me!" "God guides my hand." "If I die in combat, I go to Paradise!" "God lied to you." "We go..." "Nowhere!" "A fair fight." "In terms of honor, this affair is over." "But you've taken an important soldier." "You owe me a life." "Give me the painter, and you can go." "These men don't belong to me." "Then I'll accept your miserable life." "I belong to the Tsar!" "Perhaps two deaths are enough for tonight." "Show us your kindness by letting us freely depart." "Of course." "But first, we'll have dessert." "Then we'll drink tea." "At dawn, you can leave in peace." "Sheik Sfar was allowed to take Vastenov's body." "We made a tomb near the Sfar's ancestor." "If only he'd learned to behave." "I'm proud." "I thought you'd speak rashly to the fanatics, but you said nothing." "You're a good cat." "I didn't speak, but I still did something." "I ripped up the prince's portrait." "Ho ho!" "That's a good cat!" "No master, I'm loving but I'm not kind." "That's ok." "At this point the rabbi meets his first blacks, and I find out he's no smarter than most people." ""When visiting the Ubangi, beware the Banda cannibals..." ""...who call white people 'Yum-yums.'"" "Nonsense!" "Look, I know Africa." "Stop reading that book!" "It's scientific!" "It's from the Citroen expedition." "You'll never take another trip like this." "Look around you!" "I am, and the book is educating me." "If it was about Jews, you'd say it was all wrong." "Experience new things, and talk about them later." "You just think you're smarter than André Citroen." "He doesn't understand." "I'm old, and there's so much to see." "Without that book I'd feel utterly lost." "But he's right." "Look around and be quiet." "Not express my opinions?" "I've never done that." " Not very French." " Not very Jewish, heh." "Scratch me?" "While the sheik learns new songs, my master clings to the familiar." "He makes observations." "Hey, I play the darbuka too!" "You sometimes use the back of your hand?" "I use the palm!" "From little things like this, you discover things you didn't know." "Hey Mohammed, listen!" "I play like a nomad!" "Aaugh!" "I'm tired..." "I'll read some more tomorrow." "In the Congo we meet a patronizing reporter." "I didn't know there were Jews in Black Africa!" "And his dog is stupid." "Hey, don't scratch me, ok?" " He thinks we're backward." " See this?" "This is a newspaper I write for." "Not by myself, of course." "We use an invention called printing." "Can you read Western lettering?" "He talks a lot, and doesn't listen." "See, I'm washing myself, I do it once a day." "So I won't get sick, or fleas." "No kidding, it's healthy!" "Bye!" "Don't forget to read my column!" "Ciao!" "In White towns, things are more complicated." "Travelers pay a lot for room and board." "Not going to bed?" "No, I'm keeping my eye on the truck." "I worry." " Still, we're having fun." " Yes!" "The painter and I enjoy the dangers of the night." "In each town, we look at everything." "After a lot of looking, the painter fell in love." "Russians don't do anything by halves." "Cat, I can't work with him watching." "He says he can't stop, and really wants to draw your picture." "Cat, does he say that to all the girls?" "(Speaks in Russian)" "What time do you finish?" "Uh, cat, translate this..." "Hey!" "Listen cat, tell him I'm not that kind of girl." "Cat, translate this, with the same feeling." "I'm an artist too." "Get her to pose nude, they're goddesses." "Here's a reliable way to draw Blacks." "The negro has a distinct slope to the facial curve." "You see?" "(Speaks in Russian)" "A foreigner?" "No problem, here are the basics." "To draw nature, you must know anatomy." "Savage!" "Tell him not to get upset over it." "I've heard far worse crap than that." "(Speaks in Russian)" "In his country, Jews are drawn the same way." "Good thing we met." "Tell her we can go to the land where Blacks and Jews originate, a place with no racism." "You really want me to say that?" "!" "Hey adventurer, wake up, time to go!" "Shh!" "He wants a bit more sleep." "I think we're in love, and he wants me to go to his Jerusalem." "Isn't he coming?" "He's in love with a waitress." "If she wants to go with us, that's great!" "Why?" "I can't drink any more of your coffee." " My daughter likes it." " She's polite." "You've never had the waitress' coffee!" "I dreamed of your father." "My dreams are always true." " How is he?" " God bless, he's well." "But he's been in danger." "He was on a battlefield, surrounded by warriors." "Suddenly, he held up the ten commandments, and they all put down their weapons." " Really?" " He told them," ""Stop fighting, and shake hands!"" "And now they're all friends." "You're kind, trying to help." "Why did he go so far away?" " With my cat." " I know he's old." "This might be his last big adventure." "It's good to let him go." "We travel for months." "No one minds." "The old guys have fun, even when there's a breakdown." "The diversity of animals makes them thank God for his creation." "They're like little boys, discovering the world." "The lovers are getting to know each other." "The Russian wants to learn French." "Hey..." "You, lover... me?" "Not laugh!" "Is hard to speak French!" "It's funny because you sound like other Whites." " She's black, so you won't marry us?" " It's not that." "She's not Jewish." " Do a non-Jewish wedding!" " I'm not trained." "Hey, I don't mind taking his faith." "It's not that simple." "Learning Judaism takes years of study." "In my village, many Jews never study." "That's up to God." "But if I convert someone who hasn't learned any of our 613 laws, it's my fault." "Ok, not big deal, hurry up!" "Want to marry." "Fine." "Hillel the Sage explained our belief like this:" ""Love your fellow as yourself."" " My fellow?" " Me." "I love you!" "Mazel tov!" "Would God think I'm a good rabbi?" "Maybe he thinks you're raising the standard." "Maybe." "Can never tell with him." "Well, we know he's a good sort." "Yep!" "Lucky catch!" "My master Zlabya wanted him." "Let's recap: our expedition has... two kids, a cat, a donkey, two lovers, and soon, a baby." "It's Noah's Ark." "In Asmara we find Eritrean Jews, who've heard of the Falasha, but not their city." "Tell that idiot his Jerusalem doesn't exist." "(Speaks in Russian)" " You have no faith." " Says the Communist!" "It's unknown because it's remote." "Tell him I'm sure!" "I'm not convinced." "There are animals in the water!" "I'm sure there are animals in the water!" "Shut up!" "Thank you Lord, for providing this crocodile, and give us strength if we can't go on." "Amen!" "The road gets too hard for the truck and the donkey." "You'll remember where I am?" " Don't abandon me." " I promise!" "The Sfars can't go on." " You should give up." " No, it's my dream." " And your baby?" " I go where he goes." "Wait!" "I'll come too." "Watch your paws!" "All Jews and blacks come from here." "Maybe it's the original Eden!" "Where Adam and Eve still live, thanks to a balanced diet!" " Look, we made it!" " Wow!" "What a view!" " It's our homeland!" " Amazing!" "2000 years of peace!" "No racism!" " No hatred!" " Wow, it's great!" "We'll be welcomed, and loved!" "(Foreign language)" " Not visiting hours?" " A misunderstanding." "Hey!" "We're the same tribe, don't kill us!" "Big!" "Unfriendly." "We're strangers." "Language barrier." "They're telling you to get lost." "Oh, explain we're Jewish too." "We're all the same!" "Uh, we're all the same religion." "See?" "We've been adopted." "Uh, what?" "You won't like the answer." "They've never seen a pink Jew like you before." "Aha, yes." "I can draw a portrait of each of you!" "Very nice here!" "Hello sir, very nice." "Oh wow..." "Roomy baths!" "Hello!" "Taking a dip?" "Heh." "Hi, great, amazing..." "What's..." "Aaugh!" "No!" "No!" "No, please!" "..." "Jerks." "What's that?" "It's...!" "It's... it's a...!" "A bar mitzvah!" "I want one too!" "Hey friends!" "After the brat, can I have a bar mitzvah too?" "There!" "...just wanted a bar mitzvah!" "Help!" "A bit stylized, but done with love." "No...!" " Cat, I need help, translate." " Not now!" "He doesn't understand." "He says you're a heathen who steals faces!" "And them?" "They don't want me to have a bar mitzvah." "Don't run!" "Cat, fix everything through dialogue!" "You're right, keep to yourselves," "Don't change how you live," "You're identical to the rest of mankind." "But I prefer cats!" "We get going!" "We find the Sfars... the donkey... and the truck!" " See?" "There's no city." " Told you so." "Hey husband," "Your story was funny." "I always knew your city was a dumb idea." "Do we tell them it exists, or not?" "I think we should lie." "It's not my job to tell things the way they are." "Well, if you're busy..." "Hey, that swings!" "Doesn't sound Tunisian." "I stole some tricks from Django Reinhardt." "Want to sing?" "No, talking is hard enough, I'll learn to sing later." " You're writing to Zlabya?" " Yes." " Do you mention me?" " You're nosy." " That I'm talking again?" " I say that you've traveled, and learned to be a good cat." "Master, tell her we'll be back soon, that I love her with all my heart, that I dream of lying on her bosom..." "Don't tell me how to write to my daughter." "Go on, shoo!" "O God, reunite me with my master." "Have her always love and care for me." "Carry me into her arms," "Keep her happy with me, forever..." "May she never marry or have kids!" "Amen." "O eternal" "God of Abraham" "Reunite me with" "My master" "Have her always love me" "O God of the sky and of the earth" "May she take care of me" "Carry me into the depths of her arms" "May she never marry or have kids!" "(lyrics repeat)" "English subtitles by Tom T., with thanks to Niall and all the friends who helped!"