How Dads bond

It isn't as intuitive for a father to feel connected to his newly born baby as it is for the mother. After all, he wasn't the one going through the morning sickness or the in-utero kicking. Neither does he go through the whole experience of breastfeeding. The feeling of initial disconnect is completely normal.

What if I don’t love my child?

Your best mate rings you up. "Wow, what’s it like being a dad?""It’s fantastic," you lie. "She’s beautiful. From the moment she was born, I felt such profound and deep love…"You trot out these cliches, but you’re not sure you actually mean a word you’re saying. In fact, you may look at this tiny wrinkled creature in front of you and feel nothing.When my first child was born I’m not entirely sure that I loved her. Or, to be more accurate, I might have loved her in a zealous, fearful and slightly guilty way, but I don't think that I actually liked her.The truth is that many fathers find it very difficult to bond with their newborn baby. Who can really blame you when you’re experiencing such a mixture of emotions? You may be feeling daunted by the financial and emotional responsibilities of parenthood. Not to mention insecure. After watching your partner suffer during childbirth, all you want to do is care for her and for your baby, but it’s hard when neither of them seem to have much time for you. You worry that your partner doesn’t love you anymore and that you’ll never have sex with her again. You feel pressure to be this big, strong man, but you haven’t slept in days and feel physically and mentally exhausted.

Bonding

It’s obviously important that mother and baby spend a lot of time together in the early weeks. Your partner’s got a host of postnatal endorphins and happy hormones whizzing through her and, if she’s breastfeeding, she’s also developing important eye and skin-to-skin contact with your baby. Try to keep in mind that you’re not in competition with her, and the time they spend alone together is not something to be resented.

Still, as you all start to settle into a routine, find a part of the day when you can have some quality time with your baby. That’s when your little one will launch her charm offensive on you by simply grabbing your finger or smiling. Before you know it, you’ll be completely head over heels in love, and not just because you think you should be.

Scientific research on bonding

Studies show that fathers who are at their baby’s birth, and hold their little one shortly afterwards, have very similar feelings of attachment to those experienced by mothers for the first few weeks.Putting in the time and effort at the start is certainly worth your while. Most research suggests that keeping close during those early months will encourage a good relationship with your child as she gets older. Even talking to your partner’s bump before your little one arrived will have been time well spent, as your newborn baby is supposed to be able to recognise your voice. To look at it in crude business terms, it means that every nappy changed, every cuddle and every game of "peekaboo" is an emotional investment for the future, building trust between you.

Other studies from Canada suggest that expectant fathers actually experience biological and hormonal changes that prepare them for parenting. This research says that testosterone in expectant fathers will drop by a third, while the hormones prolactin and cortisol, both connected with pregnant women, will rise significantly in the three weeks before your baby’s due date. Similar research shows that prolactin levels in men increase when they cuddle a baby or even a crying doll. It backs up findings that there is some genuine physiological basis for expectant fathers experiencing the symptoms of a phantom pregnancy.

Bonding through play

Research also suggests that mothers and fathers tend to specialise in different types of contact once their baby is past its first few weeks of life. The mother’s role is likely to involve more talking and quiet interaction, while the father’s role tends to involve more physical playfulness. Obviously, this may just reflect existing role models and stereotypes. However, it does give fathers something to aspire to. You are the "fun parent", the one who does the piggy-backs, the flying baby, the raspberries. It also means that you’ll probably be the lucky one who sees your baby laugh for the first time.

The first smile

After four, five, six weeks of putting your baby's needs above almost everything else, you've received absolutely nothing in return. It feels as if all your affection, attention, love and effort are being flung down a bottomless well. You've convinced yourself that parenthood is not for you and are even beginning to resent your new family member.And then your baby smiles.You might have thought you’d seen it before. Her face could have contorted into what looked like a smile, but it was merely her trying to force out some trapped wind. Her lips might have curled up into the semblance of a semi-circle, but it was merely the first stages of a whimper en route to a full-on wailing session. No, your baby’s first smile is in a league of its own, and there’s no confusing it.I remember watching a football match on television with my six-week-old daughter on my knee. Involuntarily, when my team scored I leapt up with my baby and suddenly saw that she had a big smile on her face. I grinned back and her smile turned into a giggle. Suddenly, the endless duties of the last few weeks seemed worth it and a few tears started welling up.Maybe it’s because we're shallow and easily pleased, but the emotion of making your child laugh is one of the most incredible you will experience. Ask other parents what makes their children giggle. You’ll often be surprised by the seemingly random answers. Try nodding your head, rustling a paper bag, putting on a jumper, sucking your thumb, blowing raspberries on your child's belly or pretending to bite her. If all else fails, peekaboo is one form of physical slapstick that will be guaranteed to work. Revealing your head from under a sheet, towel or jumper will, for some reason, have your child in fits of laughter for hours.Watch our videos to see real dads talking about how they bonded with their babies, and find out how feeding your baby a bottle of expressed breastmilk can also be a great bonding experience.This post is from here