Despite tosh spouted by idiots, losing a loved one to cancer, being made redundant, or finding oneself stuck in a lift with Piers Morgan aren’t made worse by the event’s proximity to 25th December, research has found.

“Any of those is a bugger” agreed project lead Dr Rachel Guest “though Morgan would be especially unwelcome, particularly in the run up to … no forget that”.

Guest found other evidence-free folk beliefs were common amongst those surveyed.

“One man’s mum had died the day before and he insisted ‘there’s a new star in the firmament today’ whilst pointing at Eridanus-Capricon vii, a massive ball Continue reading →

The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.

“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.

“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading →

Couldn’t Glenn Close have played the part just as well? Or Bette Midler.

The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.

“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading →

England’s pub brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.

Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading →

Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.

“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading →

Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.

“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading →

Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.

Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading →

Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”

The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading →

It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence

With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.

“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading →

Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.

Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.

Popular International Development Secretary Priti Patel was ordered back from an official trip in Africa by the PM, summoned to Downing Street and then by sheer coincidence decided to resign. “I wasn’t sacked” said Ms Patel.

In her resignation letter, which was in no way prepared in advance by the PM, Ms Patel said her actions “fell below the standards of transparency and openness that I have advocated for other people. I just didn’t realise they might apply to me. So I’ve resigned”.

With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.

The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”

“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading →

Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.

Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.

“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”

The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading →

Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.

With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading →