"(upbeat march plays)" "♪ Good morning, USA!" "♪" "♪ I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪" "♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪" "♪ And he's shining a salute to the American race ♪" "♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪" "♪ Good... ♪ ♪ Good morning, USA ♪" "Aah!" "Mmm!" "Damn it." "Mmm, this bagel is so good." "It's Thomas'." "They made a bagel just like... (in New York accent):" "...a real New York bagel." "Hey, taxi!" "This is the most amazing bagel." "I wish I could tell more people about it, strangers even." "Why not get on Facebook?" "What's that?" "It's the Web site you go to when you're done yanking it." "Here, I'll set you up, Mom." "Do people really care what I just ate?" "Facebook is all about reconnecting." "Give me the name of someone from your past." "How about Kelly Wilk?" "No!" "I forbid you to locate Kelly Wilk." "Which, of course, means I have to." "Oh, my God, that's Kelly." "I haven't seen her in 20 years." "They called her The Kidney Killer because she made people party so hard, their kidneys would shut down." "We used to go down to this club called The Button and get destroyed." "One time I passed out hugging the toilet bowl, my face two inches from a turd somebody left on the seat." "Ah, I miss it." "ROGER:" "I know The Button." "I used to cruise and sell ecstasy there." "You know, I created ecstasy." "You didn't create ecstasy, Roger." "I did too create ecstasy." "I'll prove it." "Klaus, my files." "I am not your secretary." "Now I am." "(clears throat, spits)" "Nonsense." "Excuse me." "(computer chimes)" "Mom, Kelly lives in D.C." "You should friend her." "Do not friend her." "Kelly is too wild." "No good can come of it." "Come on, let Mom have some fun once in a while." "Why don't you ever take my side?" "Because your side is always wrong." "Your side is always wrong." "Ow!" "Ha-ha, can't get me." "Come on, Mom, it might be fun to reconnect after 20 years." "Sure, I'm game." "(chiming)" "(doorbell rings)" "Oh, my God, that must be her." "Party till you puke!" "Kelly, you crazy..." "Francine." "...nun!" "Sister Wilk, actually." "As it says in Leviticus..." "Ah, I don't know what the (bleep) it says in Leviticus!" "I'm just messing with you!" "Oh, you crazy tramp." "You haven't changed a bit." "Oh, Kelly, this is my daughter Hayley." "Nice to meet you." "What's your tattoo say?" ""Eat out more often."" "Hey, what do you say we grab some drinks?" "I'm in." "Hayley, you think you can hang?" "Oh, trust me, I can hang." "Whoo-hoo!" "Hey, you want to see a real Pontiac Fiero?" "You still have that?" "Yeah, it's my good luck car." "I've only gotten 19 DUIs in it." "One, two, three!" "Ooh." "(laughs)" "Francine, you raised a lightweight." "Bistore!" "Bistore." "Oh, no." "That's right-- Ultimate Kellys." "What's, what's in it?" "Don't worry about it." "Let's just say it's why Montel Williams has M.S." "Honey, you sit this one out." "They don't call her The Kidney Killer for nothing." "No, I'm, I'm fine, I can hang." "♪ Take you back ♪" "♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪" "♪ Take you back ♪" "♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪" "(weakly): ♪ Take you, take you... ♪" "George, what's the matter?" "The alcohol." "I can't take it anymore, Joe." "I'm, I'm shutting down." "What?" "Georgie, no." "KELLY:" "One, two, three!" "Good-bye, Joe." "I'll always remember that trip we took to the anus." "(groans)" "No!" "I can't make it alone." "(sobbing)" "(laughs)" "(groans)" "My insides hurt." "(brays loudly)" "What happened?" "Oh, Stan, we were out having a drink with Kelly and one of Hayley's kidneys died, and her other kidney is failing." "She's going to need a transplant." "Oh, my God." "I'd give her mine, but I only have one." "Kelly killed my other one when we had a tequila-pounding contest with comedian George Wallace, who went on to become the second most famous black man in a Kangol hat." "Who's the first most famous?" "ALL:" "Samuel L. Jackson." "Then I guess I'll have to give her one of my kidneys." "Or... we could leave her hooked up to a machine her whole life, like me and my coffeemaker, I tell you what." "What are you talking about?" "She's my daughter." "I'm giving her my kidney." "I'm ready." "Somebody shave my groin." "I like it against the grain." "Stan, wait, I don't know if you'll be a match." "What?" "Don't be ridiculous." "Why wouldn't I be a match?" "Well... there's a chance you're not Hayley's father." "I... might not be Hayley's father?" "You cheated on me?" "I'm sorry." "It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party." "A few days before the wedding?" "!" "While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made it the most beautiful day of my life?" "(voice breaking):" "A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance." "I was freaking out that my life was changing." "I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife, and I got drunk and-- oh, it was the biggest mistake I ever made." "Can you ever forgive me?" "You big whore." "I don't know why I'm holding you like this." "It must be very confusing." "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news." "Your daughter's second kidney is only working at 20%." "If it fails, she dies." "Hayley will likely need a kidney transplant." "Well, I may not be compatible because right before our wedding, my wife had warm-up sex with another man." "I can test to see if you're her father, but it'll take a few days." "Your insurance is terrible." "It won't pay for us to overnight your samples to the lab in Dallas, so we'll have to use Robby." "I'm Robby!" "I'm not allowed to stay up and watch Castle!" "(groans)" "In the meantime, you'd better track down the other man you slept with, in case your daughter needs that kidney." "So who is he, Francine?" "I'm not sure." "Just someone I m in a bar and had sex with in the coat room." "You had sex with a stranger in the coat room?" "Coat room sex, huh?" "Did you take off his pants and jacket?" "Ah...!" "My grandmother's here." "She's dying." "Stan, I know you're upset." "Upset?" "I'm just now finding out my daughter might not even be mine." "I can't believe it." "I mean, I changed her diapers," "I fed her, I clothed her, I got her braces," "I sent her to college." "Holy (bleep), that guy owes me so much money." "Hold on, Stan, there's a good chance" "Hayley is your daughter." "You and I had sex three days after I was with him." "No, no, this all makes sense." "I can't believe I never saw it before." "Hayley and I have never agreed on a single thing:" "the environment, health care, favorite fast food mascot." "I say the Hamburglar because he's an outlaw and that's sexy as hell." "I don't remember what Hayley said, but it wasn't the Hamburglar, so I didn't listen." "When I was a kid we called him the Ham-booger." "Stan, come on, we have to find out who this guy is, just in case she needs his kidney." "Fine." "Honey, I'm sorry about all this." "Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?" "No, the Devil sent you into my life to destroy it." "You make me sick." "I'm starting to think my body language could use some improvement." "Says here on your mom's Facebook page that Hayley's kidneys have failed." "Goodness!" "Her next update says your dad might not be Hayley's father." "Six people "like" this." "So, that leaves you as the next logical donor." "Oh." "You know how they take kidneys out?" "No." "You'll walk into your room and there will be plastic sheets all over the floor." "Before you can react, a man in a ski mask will tie you to a chair with an Indian braided belt he got on vacation in Santa Fe." "He'll turn on some Huey Lewis, and then cut the damn thing out with a rusty keyhole saw." "No antiseptic." "No novocaine." "No nothing." "Just the song "Hip to Be Square"" "drowning out your boyish screams." "Now no one has anything." "Computer, locate all the male patrons who were at The Button in Crane's Creek three nights before my wedding." "(mechanical voice):" "Researching." "Researching." "Zero results." "Oh come on, run it again." "You're a half-billion-dollar super computer!" "(normal voice):" "What do we do?" "What do I say?" "Just say something, we're gonna lose the money!" "(mechanical voice):" "Up-- update!" "Updating iTunes." "(groans)" "(trumpeting)" "Where did this come from?" "We finally figured out time travel." "Hmm." "This could come into play with what's going on in my life." "Come on, boy." "Who wants a carrot?" "(groans)" "Why are you so mean to me?" "All I want to do is ride you to McDonald's." "Okay, we're ready." "All right, we're just gonna find the guy I slept with, get his name, and then look him up in the present in case Hayley needs his kidney." "I can't wait to give this jerk the bill for what it cost me to raise her." "The only thing I'm not charging him for is circus camp." "That was my idea." "I was trying to live vicariously through her." "That's on me." "But does that really make me a bad guy, wanting my daughter to be in Cavalia, the greatest show Larry King's ever seen?" "And don't forget, you absolutely have to transport back by midnight." "What happens if we don't get back before midnight?" "Duper made it back at 12:02." "(squishing):" "I did it, though." "I took a way better high school photo." "(whirring)" "Keep your eyes peeled for your younger self." "She'll lead us right to the guy." "♪ ♪" "Oh, remember this place, Stan?" "Right over there I slipped on a Beanie Baby and tore my flannel shirt, 'cause it was the '90s, you see." "I don't want to reminisce with you." "Let's just find this guy, get his name and get out of here." "Look!" "There you are!" "To Madonna, a wonderful person who will never become a ghoulish mummy with bird-like appendages!" "I gotta say, Francine," "I'm really surprised you're getting married." "Yeah, but when you find the right person..." "Whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa, whoa-whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." "Think about it." "The same guy, the same thing, day after day, year after year until you die." "Oh, God!" "KELLY:" "Come on." "You're not married yet!" "And neither am I!" "Hey, who wants to see if my Valtrex is working?" "!" "(men cheering)" "That must be him!" "He doesn't look like anything special." "I remember him being super smooth." "Baby, would you like to sit down?" "Here, let me wipe your seat off for you." "Bah!" "There I am, taking him to the coatroom." "Let's get his name and get out of here." "Fine." "I'll pick his pocket and look at his driver's license." "...and then I add candied almonds and sprinkle it with some blue cheese." "Sounds like a really good salad." "Yeah, it's the best salad ever." "So do you wanna have sex with me or..." "I don't know." "I got a lot of salads to think up." "(both moaning)" "Stop watching." "Just get the wallet." "(hushed):" "You're so into it!" "Oh, I see you have no problem kissing him there without a shower!" "Shh!" "(both moaning)" "His name is Joel Larsen." "Great." "Let's go!" "A down payment for all the night retainers she lost." "(both moaning)" "Mmm, that's nice." "That is not nice, young lady!" "You are getting married in three days!" "What do you think you're doing?" "Not tucking my tank top into my underwear, that's for sure." "So weird." "You remind me of my fiancé, but much older and fatter." "Look, in the future there's a place called Jamba Juice and they make you think it's healthy, but it just makes you fat." "I don't know what I was thinking!" "I can't do this!" "Thanks a lot, jerk." "Bluh-bluh-bluh-bluh- bluh-bluh-bluh... blocked!" "Stan, what the hell did you do?" "!" "I couldn't just watch that!" "Besides, what are you so mad about?" "That I broke up your little humpfest?" "Yes, exactly!" "Because if that guy is Hayley's father, then Hayley will no longer exist in the present!" "Oh." "Right." "Look at you, understanding time travel." "We have to fix this!" "We have to get young me to sleep with that guy by midnight." "That's right, Stan, you gotta get me laid!" "I think I can help you with that." "(gasps) Coat dwarf!" "I forgot what a problem coat dwarfs were in the '90s." "Where'd your friend Francine go?" "!" "She has to have sex with that guy over there!" "Bah!" "She got upset over something and went to her fiancé's apartment." "Hey, you kind of look like him, except older and fatter." "In the future, you live in a cheap motel and drive a Pontiac Fiero." "I get a Pontiac Fiero?" "!" "(sobbing):" "I almost made the biggest mistake of my life." "The important thing is that you didn't go through with it." "(knocking)" "Don't freak out!" "Who, who are you?" "We're you..." "from the future." "How is that possible?" "!" "I know it sounds crazy, but we can explain everything." "And through expanding the wormhole, we were able to transport into the past." "So... time travel?" "Like Back to the Future?" "Oh, yeah, Back to the Future came out." "I could've just said "like Back to the Future."" "Okay, we believe you." "So you're in?" "You expect me to help my fiancée have sex with a stranger?" "In public, unprotected, yes." "I'm done drinking and fooling around." "I'm not sleeping with anyone except my Stan!" "But you have to!" "Well, if she is my daughter, then she'll exist, and if she's not my daughter, why would I care?" "Because..." "Because you're me and we put so much time into her." "You're gonna feed her, and sing to her when she's sick, and, and go to her school plays, and buy her bunnies and run over her bunnies and buy her new bunnies before she finds out." "Sure, she's a pain in the ass, but we raised her." "So regardless of who her biological father is, she's our daughter, and she deserves to exist!" "That all may be true, but there's nothing on this planet that could get me wasted enough to sleep with that guy." "I'm sorry." "Roger that." "(sobbing)" "Roger!" "(knocking)" "ROGER:" "Elian?" "Is that you, baby?" "Come on in." "You're safe here." "I will not send you back to Coo-ba." "Dr. Ya Ya?" "We'd like to talk to you about getting some ecstasy." "What do you know about ecstasy?" "Only that you created it." "I'm trying to create it, me and my roommate Dave." "(snoring)" "We're very close to cracking the formula." "We have the MDM, but we're missing something." "Of course!" "Amphetamine!" "The missing ingredient!" "That's my stationery." "My handwriting?" "How did you get this?" "Who are you?" "We're time travelers from the future." "Now, I'm sure you have a lot of questions..." "Nope, I'm good." "We only have until midnight!" "Tell us where we can get some amphetamines!" "Dave's been partying for four days straight." "He's a great artist." "He painted the painting you see behind me." "Let's see what we have, some downers, yellow jackets, a Tinkerbell keychain which I will hold onto..." "Ah!" "Here we go!" "Amphetamines!" "(slurps)" "Oh, my God!" "I have such a feeling of euphoria!" "I, I..." "Glow stick dance!" "Dave, look at me!" "Our years of research have finally paid off!" "This will make your younger self totally uninhibited." "How can I ever repay you?" "Someday I'll call on you for a favor." "Cryptic!" "♪ ♪" "And there's the guy." "Damn..." "you're fine..." "Why you so fine...?" "You gotta go sleep with that girl, bro." "She's getting married." "She's not interested." "We drugged her." "She's good to go!" "Noice!" "(both moaning)" "FYI, the Giants win the Super Bowl." "I'm not sure which year, so just bet everything you have every year." "Stan, we've gotta go!" "It's 11:57!" "Oh, and hey... at some point in the future, you're gonna try to squat 300 pounds at the gym, and it's too much, and you're gonna blow out your sphincter, bro," "in front of all these gym dudes." "The paramedics have to cut your pants off, and it looks like you're casing sausage out of your butt." "Just, just don't do it." "(squishing sound)" "(zapping)" "Hey!" "Aw, Duper, you got in my sock!" "Sorry it took so long." "I found out my girlfriend I'm living with is a prostitute!" "It's pretty heavy stuff, man!" "Shut it!" "Mr. Smith, your results are in." "No, Doc, I want you to take out my kidney regardless of what it says inside that envelope." "My kidney or Joel Larsen's kidney, one of them will be a match." "I don't want to know which one you use." "She's my daughter, no matter what." "Mr. Smith, just curious." "How did you get the other kidney?" "I called in a favor." "(Huey Lewis and the News' "Hip to Be Square" plays)" "♪ It's hip to be square... ♪"