Pay-the-instigator is a well documented phenomenon if you care to look beyond knee-jerk lawyer excuses, much like those you are offering.  It doesn't happen without collusion.

The family law colluders have home ice advantage, and the ref, on their side.  The only alternative for the clients is to go for a shootout in a higher court, but by then (other) lawyer's fees make any final victory a hollow one.

But, we're a wee bit off topic.