Helping Parents Helping Children with Loss – You Teach What You Know

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Multigenerational Pass-through

is fancy language for a very simple idea.  What it means is that you teach what you know.

Please remember who instilled those myths in John’s mind. (John’s stories)

The input came from parents, teachers and probably coaches and clergy, all of whom were powerful influences.  And remember, too, that no one was looking at those ideas and asking if they were valid, true, or helpful.

Understand the impact

We want to help you understand the impact that the verbal and nonverbal actions of a parent or guardian can have on children.   Signals and information we pass along to our children are perceived to be absolutely true because, as little ones, they do not have any other information with which to make a comparison.

As children, we absorb a great deal of information,

during a time that is referred to as pre-conscious.  Later in life, we are unlikely ever to know exactly why we believe some things and how we came to believe them.

It is generally accepted that conscious memory begins somewhere between age two and age five.

A three-month-old baby does not understand nor can he ask why his mother is acting as if nothing has happened, or why she is “being strong” in reaction to loss.  Yet the three-month-old infant will be affected by the mother’s feeling and actions.  The memory experts tell us that the three-month-old will have no conscious memory of that time or of any specific events.  However, at least two major things will have happened.  One, the baby will have had some reaction to his/her sense of his mother’s feelings. Two, the baby will store a memory about feelings, but may never have direct access to those feelings, nor what they mean or what caused them.

Children, from infancy on,

are greatly affected by the actions and feelings of those who play important roles in their lives.  As we get older, we often question many of the beliefs and values taught to us by our parents, our schools, our religions, and overall society.  In that kind of questioning, we begin to put a stamp of individuality on our belief systems, and that is a very good thing.

But most people never question . .

the basic ideas and beliefs they have acquired about dealing with grief or loss.  We often address a hall full of one thousand people and ask them to finish the sentence; “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you cry . . .”  Nine hundred ninety-five will sing out the word alone, proving our point that almost nobody questions those kinds of ideas.

In the story about the death of John’s grandfather, everything that happened during the aftermath of that event suggested, influences and even commanded John to grieve alone.  We apply this misguided idea to ourselves, we apply it to others, and, sadly, we apply it to our children.

Loss is inevitable.

What doesn’t have to be inevitable is the continuation of the problem of passing information from one generation to the next generation, with no questions asked.  the good news is that one of the major purposes of the book “When children Grieve” is to ask those questions that can lead to better information with which to help our children deal with loss.


There is help . .








Yours in Gratitude and to Renewing Your Possibility. . .

Debbie  Your Grief Recovery Specialist®