Sunday, June 06, 2010

Field of Blinkard Idiots

As I've written before, visiting the "Field of Dreams" movie site is one thing every Iowan should do before they croak. But now the baseball diamond/cornfield from the iconic film is up for sell. There's about 5.4 million reasons why this farmboy won't be buying it.

According to the Cedar Rapids Gazette's Todd Dorman, neither Kevin Costner nor Ray Liotta will be buying the tourist attraction either. One group that is interested in leasing the property are the nuts over at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Apparently they want to turn it into a "pig empathy display," some type of holocaust museum for pigs, drawing attention to the "cruel treatment" of future pork chops here in Iowa, the nation's top pork producer.

Here's the email that the PETA nuts sent to the landowners selling the farm. [My responses are in brackets.]:

Dear Mr. and Ms. Lansing,

I am writing on behalf of PETA and our more than 2 million members and supporters—including thousands across Iowa. We have an idea to put the iconic “Field of Dreams” to good use while you await a final sale. We would like to offer to rent this landmark to build the temporary “Field of Nightmares: Pig Empathy Display,” [A "Pig Empathy Display!" Do you people have lives?] which would encourage nearby pork producers to stop cheating pigs out of a happy life. [As farm owners themselves, I'm sure the Lansings will sure want to tick off all their farming neighbors with this.]

Pigs get a worse rap than Shoeless Joe. [But they're not nearly as handsome as Ray Liotta.] As the nation’s number one pork-producing state, [Which assures that your display here will go over like a turd in the punchbowl at a Sunday school picnic.] Iowa has factory farms that are truly a “Field of Nightmares” for pigs, who live in filth [Then tell them to clean up after themselves!] and often have their tails, teeth, and testicles cut off without any pain relief. [I'm amazed that a group primarily comprised of liberals who applaud it when an unborn child gets his or her skull slit open and their brains vacuumed out, suddenly get "concerned" when a piggy gets its tail cut off. By the way, the reason farmers cut pigs tails off is because these "noble swine" that you love so much will chew off and eat each others tails. Perhaps getting it cut off quickly with a sharp knife is the more humane option?] After a lifetime of suffering, the first time that many pigs breathe fresh air is the day that they are forced onto a transport truck and taken to the slaughterhouse, where some pigs have their throats cut while they are still conscious. [I.e. Obama's plan for all future generations of Americans.]

We’d like to educate the 65,000 tourists who come each year to the Field of Dreams [You really think that many will still show up for your damned pig thing?] about how pigs feel pain and fear just as we do and are just as smart as 3-year-old humans [or adult PETA members]. Guests can “pig out” on delicious faux-pork “riblets” (made from healthy plant protein), [Why eat that crap when you can eat the real thing? If God didn't want us to eat pigs, why'd he make them taste so good?] and youngsters will enjoy free animal-friendly stickers and coloring books. [Shoeless Joe: "Is this California?" Ray Kinsella: "No, it's Iowa."] Our multimedia display will leave visitors enlightened and empowered, knowing that they can stop the abuse of these intelligent [compared to yourself], friendly animals simply by leaving pork off their plates.

We hope that you’ll consider our offer to make the Field of Dreams a roadside attraction that offers tourists a new kind of food for thought. [If you build it, they will leave.] Please contact me so that we can begin the planning process. [Just call 1-800-MOONBAT] Thank you for your consideration.


Tracy Reiman

Executive Vice President [of PETA]

While I highly doubt these folks will lease the ball field to the boneheads at PETA, if they do it should be quite a show. I hope the local pork producers set up their own display, then people can choose between "plant protein 'riblets'" and hand-wringing or real pork ribs and tummy-patting. I know what line I'll be in.


Bawb said...

Mmmmm. That article made me hungry. Honey! Can we have pork chops for dinner?

Ben said...

Pork-rinds wrapped in bacon for me, please! Then me and the boy can go outside and toss the old pigskin around.

Anonymous said...

I have nothing against eating animals, and agree that bacon makes a breakfast complete. That said, I think the conditions in which many animals (but especially pigs and poultry) are raised is pretty sickening. These are not family farms; they are essentially factories where animals are crammed in together in unhealthy and unhygienic conditions. They are then given massive doses of antibiotics to counteract the inevitable infections and illnesses that result from their environment. They are treated like expendable products, not like living beings, and all for high profits for the corporate owners. Buy from a local small farmer, while we still have some around.

Bawb said...

I have to agree that Anonymous has a point. It ain't like when we were kids. I don't have any use for the hog confinement Factory Farms. Big Ag has a monopoly on what little remains of the farming community from seed to slaughter. The government will break up or fine "monopolies" like Ma Bell or Bill Gates, but Big Ag has not only paid the requisite bribes but gone ahead and just purchased the best politicians money can buy. Conversely, I detest PETA about the same. Kick in your TV, plant a garden, and shoot a deer.