Monday, June 30, 2008

Das Fone

Holy crap dude... my new 8925 just showed up. dude.... DUDE... you have no idea what a little bitch the iphone is until you see this thing. Its a monster. slide out qwerty keyboard... huge... flip up tilt screen! 3.2megapixel camera! oh... and the processor... dear lord... While on a call... I check my email... jump back to the call... finish up.. and low and behold... the built in GPS has been running in the background the whole time!!!

bad. ass.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

And... We're Back

1600 miles later... approximately 500 of them on dirt. We can now say we know Arkansas... and when I say know... I mean it in the biblical sense. We've seen Arkansas as few Arkansans have... from the pancake flat rice farms and cat fish farms in the south... up through the Ozark National Forest and all points in between. I won't even pretend to accurately list all the little towns passed through... but I'll tell ya the ones that stick in my mind this morning...

Helena, Clarendon, Beebe, Heber Springs, Oark, Clarksville, Lincoln... and Lord... maybe... 100 others... I guess it wouldn't be fair otherwise... so before I run off to play with my boys I'll share one tale.

Now what we were ridin' is called the Trans Am Trail. If you can imagine... the prick that planned the route sells highlighted county maps... and roll charts. No GPS directions. He's afraid if he gives those out... people will share them. So... here we go... riding down dirt roads like its 1960.... scrolling a little paper ribbon with turn by turn instructions printed on it like a never ending reciept.

Thankfully we at least had the GPS way points for most of the turns.

Well anyway when we finally made it to Helena and started the trail we were both pretty fired up... but we were not yet in TAT mode... we'd been on big roads all day. So here is my poor brother... following these damned instructions on this damned ancient device. And he's so caught up in making sure we're in the right spot... he apparently forgets exactly what we're doing in the first place. Sure enough... we make this left turn... and up ahead... I could see this coming... oh lord... 1000 yards in front of us... road turns to gravel... And up there is JAC... with his face stuck on the GPS.

If this had been caught on video it would've been one of the great Oh Shit moments of all time.

He didn't see the gravel until the bike was already in it... and it was that deep pea gravel crap... hell on bikes. Oh man... bike was floppin' ever which way... he was kickin' his legs out this way and that... and I was laughin' my ass off.

He held her up... somehow... and he took it real well... I mean when your riding buddies can be heard laughin' 50 yards behind ya... well... something probably went wrong. Anyway... as you can imagine... we've a million tales to tell.

But in the mean time... I have a question for the ladies....

What in the hell is attactive about a couple of dirty, stinky men riding around on dirt bikes? We've never been so tired nor nasty in our whole lives... and I am skeptical that we've ever been so thoroughly and consistently attractive to the fairer sex. I mean here we were out on our own... and we've got every damned woman and girl throwing overt signals at us. Waitresses would drop down on their knees beside our seats and put their hand on our knees while we "chatted"... or my personal favorite... they'd bend over... plop tits on the table... and look up and say, "Is their anything else y'all need?" while straining their neck and arching their back to make sure we got to see every possible millimeter of cleavage.

DrWho's theory is... the male having physical fun is at his most attractive state.

Anyway.. we behaved ourselves in that area... but I'm pretty sure if we'd stayed gone another couple days... JAC woulda been humpin' my leg.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

France Sucks

I mean lets face it... when you actually have to put signs on public buildings asking people not to piss on the walls... that's a problem. Nothing says City of Love like the wreak of piss.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Ear Protection

oh what? So you expected me to stuff those gay little foam things in my ears? Or worse yet... some headset... so I can look like some kind of air traffic controller from 1981? No thanks.
Turns out... .223 rounds make a perfect seal in many ear canals. So there ya go Luke... they're good for something after all... I mean besides poppin' cats.
And lets face it people... there is such a thing as Range Cred... and smoking 50 yard targets with medium framed semiauto pistols while your ears are stuffed with live rounds certainly gets it.
Laugh all you want... at least half of you are stuffing .223s into your ears right now just to see if it works.

Monday, June 16, 2008

One Fine Day

If you would permit me... I would ask your indulgence... as I take a brief moment to brag about my family. And... since its my blog... should you deny me... I will simply give you the metaphorical bird and do it anyway... dammit.

Father's Day began the way all should... a morning ride with a beautiful girl... on a gorgeous day with nary a cloud in the sky. It was as if God looked down and smiled on middle Tennessee... as He so often does.

We left the boys with DJ and hit the old roads for short ride. I suppose we were about to turn for home when DrWho decided she hadn't quite had enough and suggested a trip by mom and dad's.

Serendipity! We head over there... have a quick cup of coffee and invite them to breakfast with us...

Breakfast... Father's Day Breakfast.... at THE Cracker Barrel! I salivate from the mere memory. Sausage, Eggs, Biscuits and Gravy, Grits, Chicken Fried Chicken with more Gravy, Hashbrown Caserole... I waddled out of there. There are few joys like this... Enjoying a meal with my parents... my wife... 3 boys.. and bonus!!! DJ! My boys are very well behaved in public... but the are always Rock Stars at Cracker Barrel. I don't know what it is... Jeb is just a shameless flirt. The cute blonde waitresses get hugs and kisses...Can't imagine where he got that. Plus Eli has to make the rounds to talk to every baby in the place.

So how do you improve on this?

Well duh...

Julie and the boys go shooting with me! How's that for a Father's Day Tradition? No range reports right now... I'll just point out that apparently both the Steyr and the Glock .45 shoot inside 10 inches at 50 yards. 50 YARDS!!!!

So then of course... its off to get some ice cream... where in it occured to us... hrmm...

See my Dad really enjoys TV. No really. He REALLY enjoys it. He's a babyboomer. I make no judgement... I'm just sayin'. So see... my parents TV went tits up... and he's been relegated to a 27 inch Cathode Ray monstrosity built in like 1991. Meanwhile... JAC and I both abhore television... but we both have BadAss HD LCDs.

This is pure injustice... and Julie and I just couldn't abide. I mean.. it would be like dad having a 1200GSA down in the basement while we rode around on early 90s GS500s.

So what did we do?

We did the one thing left that would improve the day.

Dad got called into work... so he walked out of the house 10 minutes before we carried in his new 42 inch Plasma.

I don't think I'll get to be there when he gets home to see it... but I'm confident he'll stare at it... agape... awe struck... mouth open stunned... for like two hours. This is precisely the reaction I have in mind.

Mom called him... and handed me the phone... and when I told him the news... all he could muster to get out was "you... can't do that!" You can't!"

"Oh? I can't? I do believe I get to decide what I am or am not gonna get you on Father's Day."

"But... I... I... I don't know what to say."

Unfortunately... that was true... and since he didn't know what else to say... he just said thank you.... over and over and over.

He even went so far as to call my brothers... and tell them to tell me thank you.

I really couldn't tell you if which I enjoyed more... Cracker Barrel or carryin' that box into mom and dad's house...

Y'all when shootin' with your family is the third most fun you had... it was a damned fine day. Dads... It is my sincerest hope that you were as celebrated as I... and fellow son's and daughters... I hope you had as much fun celebrating your dad as I did.

Friday, June 13, 2008


I always enjoy it when an expert on a particular topic takes the time and trouble to swat a fly. Here I present for your enjoyment... one such incident... where John Coleman, the man who founded the Weather Channel, turns his attention to Al Gore and the idiot Global Warming Crowd.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Drink it Away!

Its summer... and with my wife planning a ginormous party this weekend... I've decided to being creating a sangria.... creation. I'm starting basic as it gets and going from there. Tonight... I'm rolling with this:

1 lemon
1 lime
1 orange
6 strawberries
1 cup pineapple wedges w/ juice
1/2 cup sugar
1 1/2 cup spiced rum (The Captain!)
1 750ml bottle of red wine
1 cup orange juice

I sliced the fruit into thin rounds and put it in a glass pitcher with the sugar and the rum... and I've let it sit in the fridge... I'm thinkin' about 2 hours. Then later tonight I'll add the wine and orange juice.

I picked up a bottle of ginger ale to add just in case.

What do you think? suggestions are welcome.


UnHoly Budda On a Popscicle stick! That crap is SWEET. Way to sweet. So far... the most successful attempt is... pour 1/3 of a tall glass full of the above mixture.. then fill the rest with ginger ale.

It is still very very sweet... but if it were 95 degrees outside and someone handed you a glass of this stuff... you'd drink it down and beg for more.

Monday, June 09, 2008

The Last of the Big Horses

See... there was a time... when Thoroughbreds didn't look like birds. Believe it or not... it wasn't even that long ago. See... Big Brown really isn't Big at all. Oh sure... he's got muscle all over him... but when you look at his bones.. those spindly little legs stand out. Its the way the game is played now. But it is still the new way. It really wasn't that long ago when the giants could still be seen pounding the track... and the last of them.... well... the last of them may have been the only modern era horse that could really stand up in the company of the 11 Triple Crown Winners.

Going into the Derby... the betters said he was a joke. The experts said he was to fat... to slow... and joked that he wasn't even the best horse in his owner's stable. When his owner disagreed... they assumed he was blowing smoke.

I watched the race with DrWho... and as always... I showed her a list of the names of the horses... and then she watched them walk to the gate on TV... She gave her choice... and she was supremely confident.

As someone who fancied themselves a horse racing fan back then... I chuckled to myself and thought... "isn't that cute."

I asked her why she picked him.

"I like his name.. and besides... look at him."

That was the first time I noticed. He was a monster. Again I thought.. yeah well... this ain't a place for draft horses. Besides... everyone knew the Lucas' other horse... Cat Thief... was the class of the field.

The gates open and as always... all hell broke loose. One of the classic Derby traffic jams took place in turn 1... and the jockey wisely just eased the big horse to the outside. Cat Thief lead all the way to the beginning of the stretch... then from seventh place... comes the Big Horse. He ate the supposed favorite alive... he took his heart. You could see Cat Thief fold. Another horse had big plans to though... and almost won at the line. Menifee was closing hard... and he came in second by a mere head.

It was a fluke. It would all be sorted out at the preakness. And again... The Big Horse went to the Preakness disrespected. Menifee went off as the favorite... but this time it was a different story. Cat Thief got into an early speed duel with a rabbit. While Menifee and our boy just laid back. Indeed... he was so far back... and had been so disrespected... his name wasn't even called by the track announcer until the midpoint of the race.

He had eaten half of the field by the time the announcer decided to point out that he had made his move... and good lord what a move it was. He didn't even bother going to the rail. He blew the field away on the outside... and this time... even when Menifee did kick.. it didn't matter. It was a decisive victory... and now... finally... people realized what stood before them.

Then came the Belmont... the race the Big Horse was bred for. Up and down his pedigree.. you see mile and half winners... every one of them. Secretariat was in there... lots of other belmont winners. This was his race.

But it wasn't.

And you know by now the horse's name don't you? You know how the story ends?

Coming around the last turn of the Belmont... He'd already made his move... and just like the Preakness... he was destroying everything in his path. GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!

He took the lead... he stretched the lead... GO! GO! GO! GO!

Then his head bobbed. He slowed... second... then finally... fighting through it... he finished third.

You all would recognize the head bob if you went and rewatched the Belmont of 1999. Charismatic had broken his leg. Like Eightbelles... he had more heart than his body handle.

The damnable pity of it all is the way the horse has been remembered. He got no respect in the breeding world... in spite of the fact that the horse he routinely dispatched, Cat Thief eventually won the Breeders Cup Classic... and the fact that he was himself named Horse of the Year.

Didn't matter... big horses were out of style. The Kentucky Blue Bloods didn't send enough mares his way... so he found himself shipped off to Japan. Even with sub par mares he's still produced runners... and winners... but they don't have the bird look or irrelevant speed numbers that Americans love.

So imagine if you can... a winner of two legs of the Triple Crown...a Horse of the Year... languishing in Japan with the dregs.

Its my sincerest hope that the events of the last few years will bring us more horses like Charismatic. Big horses... bred for the long haul... and most importantly... all heart.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

I'm Sick.

You know why. KD has now cost us 2 Triple Crown Winners. Why? WTF happened?

I don't know... but I'll tell ya this... that horse could've run. He chose not to run.

Best theory?

KD held him back so much... and the pace was so slow... that Big Brown just decided to say "fuck you big boy"... and never kicked.

All they had to do was let him go. Just let him go... and they fucked it up.

We've been robbed.

Friday, June 06, 2008


In this article we learn that a baby survived his mother's abortion attempt.. and will lead a pretty normal life... you know... until someone tells him that his mom tried to kill him.

How about this for feminine logic... a direct quote from the article:
cope with the anguish of losing another baby."

Let me translate:

I couldnt' stand the thought of my baby dieing... so I killed him.

Yeah... good thinking.
I Don't Believe in Santa...



have a damn thing but his one way ticket to Iran.



the predicate that he DOES win, he may not.

doesnt appear to be that kind of guy.





love him are very brutal sophisticated people.

some serious hurt.


worse.? the United States wouldnt DARE?

Sing it for me.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Legend Reborn

We've heard the rumors for years now... hushed tones... reverence. Then yesterday... on the flight deck of the USS Midway... it all came alive.

With a burnout that seemed to last forever... we were introduced to... the 2009 VMax. Let me break it down for you... 1679cc V4... producing 197hp and 122ft/lbs of torque. Let me repeat that. 122ft/lbs of torque. You can't see it... but take my word for it... I'm salivating all over my keyboard. And in case you're wondering... yes.. it comes with a stop watch... for those special times when you sneak off to your local airport runway. Of course I've never done anything like that and would never condone such behavior... ahem...

Back on topic... look... I'm not a Yamaha guy. To be honest... I don't have much respect for the company. But dude... this is th VMax.

Will it run with the zx-14 or the new Busa? No.

Does it need to?


Save your pennies boys.

Monday, June 02, 2008

I Need a Cold Shower

This is why. You remember those badass USP .45's Angelina Jolie used in Tomb Raider? Yeah... she has real ones.

Here's the money quote:
"I bought original real guns of the type we used in Tomb Raider for security. If anybody comes into my home and tries to hurt my kids, I've no problem shooting them. Brad and I are not against having a gun in the house, and we do have one. And yes, I'd be able to use it if I had to."
Yeah baby. Yeah.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Who Says Rightwingers Ain't Green?

They recycle paper and plastic... we recycle brass.