Thursday, January 7, 2010

When caring isn't sharing

I come to you, on the 7th day of the new year, with the admission that since I made the resolutions found in the previous post, I haven't done a single thing.  I haven't cleaned my house, written an article, gotten more organized, attempted to lose a pound, or worked on either of my novels in progress.  I haven't done anything, except stress.  It's funny how stress can just simply take a person over, devour their will to live, and spit them out less whole.  That's where I'm at right now and it seems like if 2010 keeps up this way it's going to be worse than 2009 was... but I'm trying like hell to remain hopeful and optimistic. I'm psychologically putting on my happiest damn face and hoping the facade will influence what's behind it.  I'm rallying, I'm hoping, I'm damn near praying; failure is not a god damned option 2010.

So today, in the wake of the storm, some sunshine broke the clouds.  It's 25 degrees, so that's not it, but rather one of the major stressors in our life has been alleviated.  My husband is in an interesting (and I use the word interesting very loosely) situation with school.  I won't go into it, because he'd be angry with me, but he's only got about 38 hours left (about 12 classes).  We're hopeful he'll be done by May 2011.  Unfortunately, there are some obstacles standing in his way.  Some relatively major obstacles.  Today, after a meeting with his advisor, and some of his advisor's colleges, one of those obstacles has been lifted and he's able to move forward in a more meaningful way.  This means a lot to both of us. I wish I could be more specific, but I find that one of the quirks of southern men is their desperate, unyielding, almost pathological need for privacy.

Matt being southern means he's likewise very private.  He doesn't fit into most southern stereotypes, but this one he embodies.  There're matters he simply will not consent to share.  So, if I were to post them here, he would almost certainly be upset.  While I, on the other hand, was bred by a culture that dictates that when down, you lean on friends.  That's what friends are for, right?  A long time ago, I ignored that lesson.  Since then, it has become one of the more frustrating parts of my life.  I feel he's too private.  He won't talk to anyone but me about his problems.  Likewise, he expects me to adhere to a code of privacy that often prohibits me from being open with others.  It makes life a bit frustrating, and makes it hard to make friends.   So much so, I've all but given up on making new friends.  I mean, who goes into a friendship with the knowledge that disclosure is impossible?  Not me, at least not anymore.  Friendship is about the sharing of one's self with others, it's putting yourself out there that makes the rewards of friendship meaningful.  If there's no risk, no chance of hurt, then there's no benefit in finding a warm, kindred spirit who'll care about you for who you are.

I digress, and please don't misunderstand, he's not a tyrant about it.  He has expectations, like anyone else, this one just happens to be harder for me than most of them.  He and I go back and forth, but he has some very good reasons for his incessant drive to privacy, which I try to respect it even though I disagree.  So, now that I've gotten a bit off track, I'll simply chalk today's happiness up to a ray of sunshine from an otherwise gloomy sky and you'll have to take my word for it.  It's the best I can do, I'm afraid.

I'll beg your pardon if this post is ranty or doesn't make logical sense.  I've had about 2 1/2 hours of sleep.  I went to bed at 6:30am, but I couldn't stay asleep.  I woke up at 8:15am when the alarm went off, and again at 9:15 when Matt was moving around getting ready to go.  At 9:30am, when he was leaving, I finally decided to get up.  I was wide awake and nervous about the outcome of his appointment.  When he came in around 11am this morning, with good news, I was both elated, but groggy.  Now, he's sleeping, because before about an hour ago, he hadn't slept in nearly two days.  Insomnia is not the most awesome thing in the world, I promise you, especially when it's coupled with nerves.  I'm so glad he's sleeping, but it's freezing in my house, so I think I might go curl up in the bed with a warm body and try to catch a few winks.