Tuesday, July 05, 2005

More on Growing Up

My son went to a birthday party a few days ago. His friend just turned 13 and the entire grade 7/8 split class was invited to a pool party. Yep, boys and girls.

The boy's mother showed us a homemade card he received from several of the girls who had been invited to the party. The card said something like: "Sorry, we don't have a birthday present for you. Your gift will be seeing us all in our bathing suits."

And so it starts. Girls find out very early how easy it is to manipulate boys. Flash a little cleavage, wiggle a little bottom and the boys will fall in line. Want to know a surefire recipe for overloaded emotional circuits in adolescent boys? Create a conflict wherein they try to maintain the mandatory cool and detached front while simultaneously being offered the attention of a pretty, flirtatious girl. The results are comical.

Life is like that. Regardless of the romantic notions we all have about potential mates and partners, it's all about using and being used. Tit (no pun intended, unless you insist on it) for tat. This for that. Sex for security. Social status for arm candy. Companionship for companionship.

It all sounds very cynical, doesn't it? But it's a fact. None of this, of course, precludes romantic love. If true love exists alongside the exchange of values typical in relationships, it is a bonus. But relationships exist based primarily on what each partner can do for the other. Love alone won't carry a relationship. Absent the things that one or the other partner needs or wants, the relationship isn't going to last.

Our kids have a struggle ahead of them. I'm sure that you, dear reader, have a perfect record with your own relationships, but I sure don't. Third time lucky, for me. I hope my son doesn't spend as much of his life trying to find a perfect relationship as I have. Maybe he will listen to me as I should have listened to my own parents. We'll see.

In the meantime, it is going to be an interesting and possibly bumpy ride for both him and me.


  1. Another great post :)

    I've noticed a culture shift happening amongst young men and boys...they seems to be more and more boys aware that being male means getting the shaft when it comes to relationship breakdowns - and it's influencing how they interact with women.

    within the next ten or twenty years, I wouldn't be surprised to see a cultural pattern wherein finding a man willing to marry a woman becomes harder and harder to do for women.

    And it's not because of misogyny, but because the new generation of men are growing up seeing their own fathers living alone and shelling out exorbitant amounts of alimony and child support with little to show for it.

    Websites like www.dontmarry.com are becoming a regular reference for today's teenage boys.

  2. my grammar was horrible in that post - my apologies!

  3. You're right, Christopher. I have seen two instances in my own circle of friends where the guys sought custody of their children for what might be called good and compelling reasons. No dice. The wives won. The guys paid. And paid and paid. The men pick up the lion's share of the costs, make the greater sacrifices in lifestyle and lose reasonable contact and influence with their children in the process. These situations may not be universal, but they are prevalent.

  4. Just so you know, my child support arrangment is based on supply and demand. If he isn't working as much, we take it down a notch.. if he is, he helps out a bit more. Also, he can see his daughter as often as he likes beyond his set days. We discuss school, lessons, attitudes, discipline and we have some good debates, but always determine a common ground so that we are both coming at raising her from the same angle.

    Three years in, it's the best co-parenting situation I have seen to come out of two people who can barely stand each other. If we talk for more than half an hour and the talk turns to something other than Oee, we end up in a meltdown. But, we hashed things out early on and decided to keep Oee completely out of our personal issues with each other and to deal with her from a loving perspective.

    I am sure we will have troubles as she grows and manipulates us against each other, but we are aware and in communication with each other for a greater good. I just had to add that to this comment section, because while it may be rare, not all women use and abuse men.. just as not all men are immature, emotionally-handicapped neanderthals.

    However, I must agree that todays young men are MUCH more aware than even when I was ten years younger. They get it. They get what they don't get, too. And, they are cautious.

    And.. so are women. I am one of a growing number of women who have decided not to marry. I am not bitter. I am just not young enough to have time and energy enough to pursue the dream. But, that doesn't mean that the dream does not exist. It means my timing is off. And, will be, due to other choices, for about fifteen more years.

    Men and Women today realize that they are complete individuals. When I was growing up, much talk was based on when I got married, who I might marry and how I would need to learn to cook for my husband. Not now. Now, women and men know who they are before they attempt to integrate with another person's whole self. That can make things complicated. And, I see men and women responding cautiously, not wanting to lose oneself or become dependent.

    I have friends whose sole purpose in life is to 'find a man' and it sickens me. I watch friends who blame their man for their own unhappiness and I shake my head. These are the women in my age group. Still raised to believe they needed to belong to someone else. Still having been raised to believe that they could do whatever they wanted, if they had a man with a good job.

    We are all responsible for our own happiness, mistakes, decisions and we all have to accept the consequences of our actions and quite often the unfair results of someone elses actions. Todays youth know this.

    I, personally, find men (and when I say that I really mean, relationships) to be draining emotionally, financially, physically and even spiritually. But, that is because I have done the whole relationship thing three long times and a bunch of little times. And, more and more often, I have been quite content alone for a blog posting of reasons that are related to my demographic.

    I agree that we may find more and more people not marrying (except those in the same sex culture to whom this is now a novel option), but the statistics do not support that so far.

    I have also seen the glow that comes about a man or woman when they spend good quality time in the presence and company of someone with whom they share mutual admiration. And so, I will never stop believing in love. I believe mostly for those who are not tired and old and cynical (which leaves us with our youth) love is still a possibility, a beautiful, energetic, enthusiastic, anticipated possibility.

    It's not our youth that are cynical. Their hearts are molded by those that came before them. Cynicism works as it does, because it a cynic will only ever feel cynical.

    Love is enough, if there is trust and companionship and virtue. That is love. Love is not enough if it's not love that is given, sought, achieved, wanted, shared or offered.

    To deny a young person the hope that resides within them inherently, by educating them about the evils of love, is to wrong them and will harm them. And, will harm oneself and one's history and legacy and future and past and will taint everything good. It is to send a young man or woman into fear, away from hope, and toward instant gratification and temporary fixes. It is to predispose them to see what you mean and what you warn them about before they could ever see the good.

    I am not talking about the warnings involved in discussions about not using common sense, obviously.

    If young men and women are becoming more aware, so be it, but as their elders (I'm not an elder yet, but I'm not young) I think you should still explain to them how beautiful it can be to connect with someone you want to share yourself with.

    It's not about money or eye-candy or prestige. 'It' never has been. If something has become about that, "It" isn't it.

    And, if anything is influencing our youth, today, it's the same things that have always influenced them.. sex and love. They are connected. But, they are not the same. When they understand that, they will be more informed 'consumers' of their opposite sex, with less risk. And, more hope.

    PS.. It's nearly one in the morning.. that is my excuse for my grammatical error(s).

  5. Penny, you are, I'm sorry to say, a rare creature indeed. I believe that, unlike the way you are handling your own situation, usually emotions rule and reason disappears when partners split up. Revenge rears its ugly head. Kids are suddenlly used as pawns to punish and frustrate the ex-partner. Thousands of dollars are frittered away in legal fees because one or both of the parties is uncooperative or unreasonable in their demands.

    You are a special case. My first wife was a special case. I had no problem with her when we split. We agreed on a settlement without any lawyers and when I missed payments when things were really tough for me, I never heard a word from her. When things improved, I caught up.

    My current wife would be a special case. I would never have either custody or financial disagreements with her.

    I won't bring up my other personal experiences.

    When I speak with others however, I have to conclude that, on average, I have been lucky. Horror stories I hear are truly scary. I wonder how people survive acrimonious and bitter split-ups.

    You are a good role model for your daughter.

    And I do believe in love, by the way. I just don't see much of it anymore, at least not in the way that I would define it. Love is visiting a mother-in-law you detest because it makes your spouse happy. Love is not having a headache when your spouse is feeling amorous. Love is many things, not just some warm-and-fuzzy feeling you get when your inamorata or inamorato walks into the room.

    But it does give us all something to write about, doesn't it -- books, songs, poems. How many words, I wonder, have been written about love?

  6. "love is not having a headache when your spouse is feeling amorous"..that's an interesting thought. Sometimes a challenging one to resolve...can't help but think for awhile about that statement and contemplate the realilties that do exist relative to that situation as per your above quote.

    Sometimes "headaches" occur in many forms..executed by both sexes and it becomes a heartbreaking lifestyle for some. Others find ways of resolving the issue, and I suspect Ann Landers would have suggested counselling, divorce or both..however, reality based decisions are often made with children in mind and one lives with the consequences..

    I'd like more of your input on that quote. Do you have words of wisdom for the "headache"?

  7. Anonymous... I look forward to responding to your comments/questions. I am on the road for a few more weeks and may have to do so when I return to my home base. Thanks for reading The Atavist!