Tensions spilled over during Sunday’s Cubs-Brewers game in the fifth inning when a large group of knife wielding rats decided to have a rumble with their arch nemesis the Wrigley seagulls. What could only be described as something of a dance fight, things ended when someone called the “fuzz” and center fielder Junior Lake shooed them away.

“I always tell the boys, ‘When you’re a rat, you’re a rat to the end, from your first flooded batting cage to the last Ozzie game!’ said the rats’ leader Riff Rat. “Lately however, these greasy gulls thinks they run the place, eating our garbage and hangin’ out in the outfield during the game. So, it was time to burn rubber on those squares.”

The blood feud stems back to a dispute over who owns the rights to the actual field. Seagulls consider the bleachers theirs, and the rats consider their turf the visiting clubhouse. What started as small time scuffs, boiled over this year when it was discovered that a seagull  named Maria was dating a rat named Tony and could be seen singing to one another from the urinal troughs.

Brew Dreesus