I think that is very very true. It also plays out in a sexual relationship - where the partner who has least interest in or desire for sex controls how much of it there is, when and of what type. As the HD partner, I know how much rage it is possible to feel about that (and under that rage, fear and helplessness).

But in some ways, I think your H, May is wanting you to feel all kinds of things you aren't feeling, and is unable to love you as you are - angry, untrusting, hurt, needing space for those feelings. He can't do it. And you can't love him as he is - selfish, arrogant, flawed, too fragile of ego to be able to countenance, truly, the hurt he's done, and still missing the times when he had someone in his life who admired him and didn't seem to see all those flaws. And instead of acceptance, he's working on you to get you to be in a state where he can feel like he can love you, and you're doing just the same to him, and it's still not a marriage - it's really no different to the ways you were working on each other over this trip away - you holding it over his head for good behaviour, and him working and working at working at you, always with the unspoken threat there was another woman in his life who'd behave nicely and tell him how constantly flawless he was if you couldn't or wouldn't.

It may be peaceful day to day, but it is incredibly toxic and while your kids may not know that now (and I doubt that, to be honest) then they will surely know it as they grow and this toxic dynamic continues, or it blows up in all of your faces some point this year or next, when you're not able to provide the ego stroking he still needs, or he's not able to provide the contrition you need.

Can you emotionally separate, if you are unwilling to physically separate? Can you just decide - in your head - he is not your husband any more? That he stopped being your husband the second he was unfaithful to you, and as yet, you have not reconciled or begun a new marriage? Can you accept that if he is not your husband he owes you no more fidelity or care taking or contrition than a civil stranger? I do think someone up thread said that all of this is based in expectations, and if you could just emotionally separate (better physically, but I accept that is something you are unwilling to try) and get rid of the expectations then I think you'd both have a bit more peace to go through your processes.