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To expect my DD to ring me regularly?

(61 Posts)
Jennypops Mon 02-Mar-15 20:56:50

I am feeling very upset as my DD does not phone me very often. I think the last time was over a month ago ,since when I have had cataract surgery she doesn't know about and am still recovering from breaking my leg at Christmas. I don't always want to be the one to phone first. How can I deal with this or should I just accept it, she lives about a two hour journey away and we don't se her or two DGC often.

Ana Mon 02-Mar-15 21:00:33

My DD and I find texting is the best way of keeping in touch. That way neither of you has to worry about it being an inconvenient time, or feeling under any pressure to respond immediately.

A month is a long time though - I would feel hurt as well! flowers

merlotgran Mon 02-Mar-15 21:04:01

Is she on facebook? It's a great way to stay in touch with family.

soontobe Mon 02-Mar-15 21:06:31

Yes, find out which is her favourite way of communicating with people.

Jennypops Mon 02-Mar-15 21:10:46

No she isn't on Facebook and I feel she would ignore my texts.

tanith Mon 02-Mar-15 21:14:28

I've had to accept that my son isn't good at contact with family, he lives abroad and has a partner and new son and his partner is better at keeping me in touch with my newest Grandson than he is. It hurts a lot but its the way he is and I have had to learn not to get upset..

He never rings just to chat there is always a reason for the call , he rang for the first time since Christmas Day on Saturday to tell me that he and his family may be able to come to the UK for a few days at Easter. Great news for myself and his sisters who feel equally ignored by him.
If I ring him I feel like I am interrupting something and he isn't easy to get chatting so I tend not to ring but send him messages on Facebook to which he may or may not reply.. He is happy for us to visit anytime but thats not always easy.

There are lots of things I'd like to discuss with him and lots goes on that he knows nothing about but I figure if he was interested he'd ask but he doesn't so I have to accept that he is happy to keep his family at a distance..

Its not easy but I think you can either explain to her how it hurts you or accept that family at a distance is how she wants it.

absent Mon 02-Mar-15 21:14:36

Is she a chatty kind of person or does she phone you when she has something particular to talk about? Any social activity, such as chatting on the phone, is no pleasure if it becomes a duty.

Tresco Mon 02-Mar-15 21:16:17

You say you feel she would ignore your texts. Why do you feel that? Has she ignored them in the past? I can easily go a month or more without a communication from one or all of my children. Of course, I'd like to hear from them more often, but I appreciate they have busy lives. I know they love me and would be there for me in an emergency.

chloe1984 Mon 02-Mar-15 21:25:16

I too have a DD who will never ring just to chat , she only answers emails when and if it suits her and as for texts she never replies. Do I find it hurtful yes I do, have I come to terms with it, only after a lot of heart searching. I know she loves us and we love her.I have never discussed the situation with her as I am not one for confrontation. It makes me sad but "it is what it is" why it should be so I don't know but don't really expect her to change now.

soontobe Mon 02-Mar-15 21:38:44

Jennypops, there is also emails, and whatsapp [not quite sure how that works]
How does she talk to her friends?

soontobe Mon 02-Mar-15 21:42:34

I dont let any of my kids go more than 2 weeks without any contact at all. None of them live locally at all. I want to know that they are alive. Also, one of them can start going into himself a bit if he goes more than two weeks without checking in.
Just a few words in an email is sufficient.

annodomini Mon 02-Mar-15 21:45:24

jennypops, you say that your daughter doesn't know about your cataract surgery. How could she know if you haven't told her? Communication is a two-way street. Could you arrange to Skype at a regular time each week so that you can speak to the children?

Mishap Mon 02-Mar-15 22:05:31

I am sorry that you are feeling unhappy about the amount of contact from your DD.

I do think it is difficult when you start to feel upset about something - it makes you hyper-sensitive about it. And it may be tempting to not phone her as a sort of test to see if she will.

Give her a ring regularly - if it is not a convenient time then just say fine you will ring again and don't get upset about it or appear to put her under pressure.

But if you feel she would not answer your texts, then maybe something else is going on here?

Jennypops Mon 02-Mar-15 22:42:41

I think it is true that I have got sensitive about this and have definitley not rung her myself to see how long it would be before she rang me,stupid I know, but I really have the feeling that she does not want a close relationship and like Chloe1984 I find it hurtful. My own Mother used to ring me to complain if I did not ring her frequently enough! I have never done that!

Anya Mon 02-Mar-15 22:52:17

Text or email her and apologise for leaving it so long, but you're only just now able to see properly after your operation!! Ask after her family, but leave her guessing about your operation. That ought to get a respomse.

harrigran Mon 02-Mar-15 22:52:48

I don't think a month is that long, I had not been in touch with my DD since Christmas except for one message on FB. DD lives abroad and is often travelling for work, I don't want her to feel duty bound to check on me regularly. She does not have children, probably would be different if GC were in the equation. She did come to the UK at the weekend which allowed us to have a meal and a catch up.

rubylady Tue 03-Mar-15 02:21:33

I wouldn't get in touch at all with her just yet and leave it and get on with your own life. Go out and about with your own friends and leave her to get on with her life. If she hasn't phoned and it's always you phoning her first, then I would just leave it for a while.

I started to get very hacked off with most of my family as it was always me chasing them first, always seeing how they were. So I had a word with myself and left them all to it for a good while. Now it is far more balanced with certain members and others, like my mother and my daughter have been put on hold for now as no matter what I was doing, I was getting nowhere with them (similar personalities) and treated quite badly. I am not willing to be treated this way.

I do think that if we bring our children up to stand on their own two feet and create a life for themselves, do our best all their childhood to do this and probably go without ourselves and then get no thank you or care in return, then it is time to leave them to it and look after ourselves. If they cannot think that we deserve a little loving and attention as we get older and maybe more ill as we age, then I for one am not going to run after them begging for their time. I can get that off someone who does care.

Take a stand back, enjoy having a break from her, do your own thing. We bring them into the world but we don't have to checking up on them or them on us all the time. She will miss you soon enough.

suzied Tue 03-Mar-15 05:31:03

I don't see why you feel you can't take the initiative and phone her. My mum used to phone me every Sunday and it got to be a habit. If I haven't seen or heard from any of mine, I'll ring them on a Sunday just to say hello and ask them how their week has been. Doesn't have to be a long chat.

thatbags Tue 03-Mar-15 06:54:36

Some people do not like chatting on telephones and prefer to keep them for what telephone-using Amish people call "conversations of purpose". I am one of those people. Perhaps your DD is another.

Also, perhaps you have out your finger on the key when you say that you think your DD doesn't want a close relationship. I think you have to accept that she's allowed to make that choice.

thatbags Tue 03-Mar-15 06:55:20

put, not out

kittylester Tue 03-Mar-15 06:57:51

We keep in contact with ours using Whatsapp as and when. It's their way of talking to their friends so, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! I'd hate them to feel they have to ring on a specific day - life isn't like that any more.

And, as someone said, communication is a two way street!

Falconbird Tue 03-Mar-15 07:01:03

This is a predicament for me too. My mother was a widow for 40 years and I am an only child so she relied on me very much. I didn't mind really but sometimes did resent having to speak to her every day especially when I was busy raising my family.

Now I'm a widow and have trouble knowing how much or how little to contact my adult children. I keep in touch in a light hearted way, usually by email or text but I would definitely tell them if I was really ill and ask how much or how little they could help.

Falconbird Tue 03-Mar-15 07:08:39



annodomini Tue 03-Mar-15 07:56:44

It's a long time ago now but my mother used to ring me at 9.15 every Sunday morning and I'd have been worried if she hadn't. After she died, my father took her place at the same time. When he died, I missed those calls sorely. My DiL expects a call from her mum every weekend and they chat for ages.

Leticia Tue 03-Mar-15 07:58:23

I would take more initiative. I wouldn't have had an operation without phoning them to tell them.
In this case I would go for email - just send regular short ones without expecting replies and you will probably get some responses.
One of my sons was abroad and often somewhere with no signal for communication. If I hadn't heard from a while I would send messages in various forms and the last resort was a text saying 'are you alive and well?' - that always got a response!