Married At First Sight

Dear John: 'My fiancé has been hiding a whole secret life with another woman'

By John Aiken|



If you have a question for John, email:

Dear John,

I recently met a guy I really like. He is a big drinker and I don't drink at all. I didn't think it was a problem, except he keeps on bringing it up, asking why I don't drink and it makes me think it might be a problem for him. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me so I steer away from it and don't even miss it, but I don't judge anyone who drinks.

I don't have a problem with him drinking but now I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I also really like him and hope to convince him it won't be a problem.

'I'm not much of a drinker but that seems to be a problem for him.' (Getty)

Here's what you need to know – drinking is a big problem for him. You've only just met this guy, and he's already pressuring you to drink and he doesn't accept your position on alcohol. If this is something that's a worry now, imagine what it's going to be like after going out with him for a year! I realise you like him, and you really want this to work, however, from what you're already saying, this relationship hasn't got a long-term future. You seriously need to consider letting this guy go, and focusing your energy on dating a person who has a similar approach to drinking as you do.

The bottom line is, when you first meet a new love interest, you need to have some core compatibilities. One big area to consider is your approach to health and fitness. For you, alcohol has no part in your life – end of story. For him, alcohol plays a massive role in the way he socialises. Not only that, he's trying to force you to change to fit in with him. That means from where I'm sitting - you are not compatible and he is not respecting you.

So as much as you may want to make this work, there are significant problems between the both of you around alcohol use, that you need to acknowledge. You also need to realise that this is not going to change any time soon, and therefore it's likely going to become a bigger problem as the months roll on. For that reason, I would suggest you see this as a deal breaker, and move on to a guy who lives a healthy lifestyle and has the same approach to drinking as you.

Dear John,

I've just bagged the man of my dreams and I'm terrified I'm going to screw it up. We started dating six months ago and I fall more in love every day, I can really see a future with him. He seems to feel the same way and I really should feel happy!

But I'm just so scared I'm going to screw this perfect relationship up. My last partner left me out of the blue because I was the "perfect girl" for him but he didn't see a future with me, and now I'm convinced I must have done something wrong he didn't want to tell me about. Because I don't know what it was, I don't know how to prevent it with my new man so I second guess everything I do. I worry about everything – Have I asked to see him too much this week? Am I too needy? Did I say the wrong thing? I just can't get out of my head! What do I do?

'Why I'd never date long distance again'
'I'm overthinking everything because of a past relationship.' (Getty)

Take a step back and breathe. You're overthinking all of this, and it's starting to jeopardise your chances of happily ever after. It's totally normal to get a little anxious early on, but this is now getting out of hand. What you need to do is to get some objectivity about all of this. That means taking some time to understand what happened in the past, and as well as become more aware about your current partner. Once you can do this, then you'll be able to sit back and actually enjoy the experience of falling in love with the man of your dreams .

The key issue for you right now is that you haven't been able to make sense of your past break-up and therefore you're freaking out about your new relationship. At present, you assume that your partner left you 'out of the blue' and that you were to blame. You're wrong. I want you to sit down with your girlfriends and family members and get them to help you understand this better. Specifically, answer the following - "why was he wrong for me?', "what were his flaws and limitations?" and "why was he so bad at relationships?".

Once you've done this, then turn your attention to your new partner. You need to understand that he is very different from the other guy. Answer the following - "how is my current partner different from my ex?' "what's new and different about this relationship?" and "in what way am I different in this relationship compared to the past?" As you answer these questions and get greater objectivity, you're going to be able to relax and calm down. This will allow you to enjoy the new relationship and finally let go of the past.

Dear John,

I've recently discovered my fiancé was cheating on me after finding a receipt on our credit card for underwear. I confronted him and he admitted to the affair, and that he'd never been away for 'work trips' like he told me, rather he was just living at two homes – ours and another he had with her.

I moved states for this man, leaving my family and life behind, and now I'm stuck here. He didn't exactly fight for me back when I confronted him, he was shocked, admitted to the affair, and left.  It's been weeks, and I miss him. But am I a fool for wanting to reach out to see if it can work with someone who's already cheated once before?

'He had a whole separate life with the other woman.' (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Yes – you deserve better than this. Forget about reaching out to him. Even though you want to be with him and hope that things can go back to the way they were, it isn't going to happen. The way in which he has handled this and treated you during and after the affair tells me that it is over. He's not remorseful, he's not taking accountability, he's not trying to win you back, he's changed nothing about his behaviour and to top it all off – he's left. Translated – he's not into this relationship any longer. The good thing is that you found out before you ended up marrying him and starting a family.

I realise this is not what you want to hear, but you have to face the facts. This was a man that you were getting ready to marry and spend the rest of your days with. Instead of this, you found out that he's been cheating on you, and he has since left you high and dry. I'm sure it really hurts and it must be devastating to be betrayed in this way, but there's no grey here. It's black and white.

What this means is that it's time for you to embrace this and start to set up your own life again without him. That means go cold turkey and step away from him. Lean on your friends and family, move back to your old neighbourhood and start over. You gave up your life once for this person and it didn't work out – never do this again for him. There's someone better out there for you, and it's time to go and find him. 


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