Monday, December 17, 2007

3 ½-year-old Tantrums








Dear J,











  • Listening. Really listening—giving a child your full attention
  • Validating feelings.
  • Focusing on solutions WITH children after a cooling off period.
  • Taking time for respectful training during calm times.
  • Spending special time with children.
  • Hugs.




ErikTheViking said...

The "validating feelings" and "listening" will only work a few times a month. It doesn't always work and when it doesn't it can get REALLY frustrating. Children need to know that they're not always going to get their way, but you also have to "pick your battles" as my wife likes to say. Sometimes you have to let them have their way so that they aren't sure what to expect every time.

EHoward said...

I appreciate all your hard work and thought... however, this was absolutely useless information to a frustrating parent of a 3.5 year old. Nothing personal. Creating CHARTS?

Anonymous said...

The "kids these days are so spoiled" comment is only validated by how much you "feel" like you are hearing it, but do not forget that the internet has made many gripes more prominent. Women, in particular, never had a forum to discuss potentially embarrassing and difficult aspects of child-rearing. Before you accuse an entire generation of being weak and spoiling their children (while encouraging an open forum for the challenges of parenthood) perhaps you might give that some thought.

Anonymous said...

My 3.5 year old has started tantrum since we had a baby 2 months ago. He is seeking attention 24/7 I get it. I give him hugs and kisses and try divide my attention equally. But now he is throwing tantrums and hitting. Neither which are okay. How do I stop both behaviors? I do pick my battles and give choices that I choose when ever possible. He responds very well to positive reinforcement. But hitting is not acceptable. What is an appropriate way to teach him consequences for his actions without more tantrums? Help!!! I'm exhausted and sad because I feel like a bad mother!!!

Anonymous said...

To the comment at 9:50pm...
I have a 3 1/2 year old too and he has a 6 month old brother. My eldest was the perfect child until his brother started getting more active... he has now turned into a nightmare and I am exhausted from his tantrums which are very frequent. He is even hitting his brother. I understand that it must be really hard to suddenly see their previous undivided mummy attention be shared but I really am at my wits end. I am trying the naughty step and then big hugs after. I think it is so important not to turn soft and bypass the discipline or boundries will be pushed further.
I know what you mean about feeling like a bad mother but we must remember that that is not the case through the very fact that we care enough to research a solution!
I am hoping that this will pass... one thing I have done that seems to work is to say now it is babies time in a minute it will be your time and when it is his time give him all the attention for that period. Doing this as well as making sure we do things all together seems to be calming things a bit.
I think it's mainly all a reaction to life change so as long as we encourage them that they are still loved and as I say to my little one he is "my best friend in all the world" hopefully the phase will end and we will be reunited with our previous angels! (fingers crossed anyway)!

Anonymous said...

I am at my wits end, as well. I have my wonderful 3 year grandgirl on weekends and one day through the week. My son is a single dad with full custody who is in school and works full-time. My grand daughter has no contact at all with her mother, would not recognize her on the street. She has been with her dad and us since she was five months old. It takes a village and we are blessed to have her and she us. Intelligent, loving, really wonderful little girl, just a nice little person ... till she turned 3. The tantrums are awful. They are scary and make me cry - not in front of her - but they are heart breaking. She hits, scratches, growls, screams, pulls my hair, spits, throws things, and will last up to an hour. I have tried holding and hugging her talking quietly to her that I understand her frustration and anger - she tried to scratch my face - I hold her and do not say anything. I have walked away and let her go till she calms. I have put her in her bed and walked away. Time out, standing in the corner does not work. She LOVES books and I will pick up one of her favorites to try to get her attention to that and she will grab it out of my hands and scream NO. The neighbors have to think we are beating her as she screams "don't touch me" "PLEASE don't touch me" "Leave me alone" "I don't like you anymore," which is really heart breaking and more. It is something my three children(now grown) NEVER did and I am lost. I have read many articles and googled it till my fingers bled and cannot come up with a plan. She does it with us and with her other grandmother from time to time, not too much to her dad but every once in a while. Afterwards, sometimes, she will come hug me and say " I don't want to fight with you, I love you." WHERE THE HECK does that come from? She NEVER hears the word "fight" EVER. I just do not know what to do now. It can start over anything but it will absolutely do it every time I change her pull-up. She FREAKS. But, she absolutely will not try to use the potty and trying to get her to sit on the pot will throw her in to a fit as well. Please any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I feel like a horrible person and grandmother and it is tearing me up. NOT that I am the concern here, just need help. Something else, which may have nothing to do with anything, she was put under with general anethesia for dental work recently and it started the next day really bad. Thank you!

Unknown said...

keep her engaged with the activities she loves, like reading books etc. You need to be her friend and sometimes little strict when things go out of hand. there us no pill to handle kids. Its quite natural for a 3 year old. You need to feel like a 3 year old and manage like a CEO.

Anonymous said...

To Anonymous are you sure she hasn't suffered any kind of sexual abuse? it seems strange that she would freak out that way every time you change her pull up.....

Anon said...

Once she has calmed down have you tried asking her if she is upset or worried about anything? Go through her daily carers and ask if she is happy with them and if they are nice to her. I did the same with my little girl who rarely has tantrums, but when she does it is a mixture of tiredness and emotional stress such as having to be on best behaviour with her grandmother, (not a dig at you-just her grandmother is very old school).
I tell her how lovely she is but that her behaviour is not acceptable in our family. (There is only myself and her but making family rules are positive).
It is odd that she does it when her pull ups are changed. Perhaps she feels under pressure with toilet training - i think you need to have an honest talk with her dad and find out how he approaches things with her.
Good luck. She is very lucky to have such a caring grandmother!

Anon said...


Anonymous said...

Annonymous grandmother: You posted last year. I really wish I knew if your granddaughter's tantrums passed. My 3 1/2 year old daughter acts very similar to what you described and I have no idea why. I honestly think the potty training/diaper issue came from her last daycare (who kicked her because of her severe tantrums); I think they were putting her in time out for going pee/poop in her pants. Otherwise, she tantrums just like you described you described. I honestly have no idea how to handle it and ever old blog I come across, no one ever posts a resolution, leading to the assumption that 1. either the problem passed and no one thought to update how or why or 2. it never got better. PLEASE tell me there is a rainbow!

Anonymous said...

Totally useless long winded article. I am a dad and when I am standing watching my son in a full blown Tantrum hitting his mother, I have a problem trying to sit and hug him. For one thing he wants me to be nowhere in sight and two he won't let you near him. Talking to him softly and trying to hold his hands just makes him angrier. We don't spank or hit our child, but sometimes my voice raises, which does not help. I try to change the subject quick by washing the car or feeding the fish, but it does not always work. I think some of the people who write these articles have either only dreamed of having kids or forgot what it's like. Come out of the clouds back to earth and stop smoking whatever it is that makes you think writing an article like this would be helpful

Anonymous said...

1. A strict schedule. Children behave better when they know what to expect and when to expect it.

2. Don't engage your child unless they are calm. When they settle down give them attention. They throw tantrums again, put them in their room and just let them have it out. When they calm down, give them attention again. No comments or anything. Just make sure they're safe and ignore it.

3. All tantrums that are not because of illness or abuse, are for attention. Many kids throw tantrums when you change their pull ups. Let them try to do things themselves. If they make a mistake while trying, that's okay. Just show them again, as if you're explaining to a 'big kid'.

4. Remember, they are at a threshold from baby to big kid. Allow them to make that transition and praise them for their accomplishments on things like...flushing, taking off their pull ups, emptying their plate after dinner, etc. They want that attention more than hugs and charts.

5. You ARE NOT a bad parent. I know it's frustrating and makes you sad. I understand. However, the fact that you're here discussing it, proves how worthy a parent you are. Don't coddle, correct. Don't spank, speak. Don't argue/engage in bad behavior, ignore it.

Hope this helps :)

Unknown said...

My 3 year old son throws the worst tantrums about 3 times a day every day for the past 2 weeks. He throws anything in sight screams yells huts me scratches me I just don't kniwbwhat to do and if this is normal. These just started he has thrown fits before but nothing like the last 2 weeks I am about to have a break down please help.....

Anonymous said...

I have to say, I enjoyed this article. I have a 3 year old son who is currently going through these tantrums almost daily and anything can trigger them. He has an additional complication of only seeing his dad every other weekend due to custody.
There was a lot of negative feedback in this string and I want to say this is helpful to know that what I'm doing might be right. The points you pointed out are all the things happening when he's at his father's and I am back starting all over with every return. It's heart breaking to see his frustrations and the articles and literature or verbal suggestions I offer my son's father are just reviewed as trash. I wish he would read something like this to consider changes he could make to help make life growth easier for our son.
Again, thank you for your post and glad to hear that I'm not alone with a son going through these struggles and the steps I'm taking to help him are encouraged.

Lakshmi said...

Thank you!