April 25, 2006

Tough Cookies

Cookie Monster is kind of a mess. He doesn't understand how pronouns work, he's got very poor social skills and a severe double-shot of lazy eye.

© 2006 Sesame Workshop.

But when it comes to cookies, he totally gets it. Cookies are fucking fantastic.

No matter what's going on, I'm up for a cookie. They're fun, they're always a treat and just about anytime of day I would like one in my mouth. They are the tits of food.

Cookies come in all kinds of flavors and shapes. Sometimes chewy, sometimes crunchy. They don't require a plate or a fork or a napkin. Even baking them is optional. Raw cookie dough is a gift most humans aren't worthy of. (Don't worry, all Sneeze readers are worthy. I checked.)

I bring all this up because I saw a Batman cookie jar the other day, and I know he'd be embarrassed by it.

Where exactly does "cookie jar" fit in with his war on evil in the name of his murdered parents? I'm not sure. (Although, I wouldn't blink an eye at a Robin the Boy Wonder jar filled to the top with lady fingers.)

There's tons of inappropriate merchandising and tie-ins out there, but it's the ones that bring together tough guys and pussy-ish items that are my favorites. And ironically, as much as cookies kick ass, they just aren't "tough". I don't care how huge you are, or how deep your voice is-- you can't intimidate me saying, "Gimme another snickerdoodle."

Even the word "cookie" itself isn't helping. If words went to school, "cookie" would have its head shoved in a toilet at least twice a week. In between Purple Nurples.

Despite all of this, I've learned there's a whole world of tough cookie jars out there. And these are just a few...

"Private First Class Biscotti, reporting for duty, SIR!"

This is actually John Wayne. Why is "The Duke" a vessel for sweet snacks baked with love? Because his real first name is Marion.

* * * * *

And then I'll lift my torso
and make you eat Lorna Doones!!!"

FUN FACT: If you watch the Wizard of Oz while listening to Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon, you're probably high enough to eat a wicked witch full of cookies before it's over.

* * * * *

They say wrestling is fake.
This cookie jar is real... real embarrassing.

In its defense, it actually looks a lot like tough-guy Goldberg. But don't crack it over the head with a folding chair or your macaroons might go stale.

* * * * *

"I pity the fool who don't take a lemon bar out my head."

B. A. Baracus may have been afraid to fly, but apparently he wasn't afraid to put his image on any surface that would have it.

* * * * *

A Harley Davidson motorcycle jacket is the perfect thing to wear if you're an ass-kicking biker. Or a Pecan Sandie.

This may be the ultimate tough/sissy match-up I've seen. (Although I am, of course, not counting the Harley Davidson Teapot.)

Now, which one of you motherfuckers would like a nice cup of Earl Grey?

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Posted by Steven | Archive