10 Crimes against motorcycle fashion

Motorcyclists spend a lot of money and effort on looking good, but there is a small minority who tarnish the coolness by wearing ridiculous gear. Here are 10 fashion don’ts…

10. Sunglasses under full-face helmets

I understand where the inspiration for this comes from, yes the sun glare is a hindrance and the people that wear this combo obviously feel uncertain about wearing naughty black visors, but the only helmet that it is acceptable to wear sunglasses with are open face helmets, like this handsome rogue. I know it’s easier to carry a pair of sunglasses, I’m only trying to pass on my fashion knowledge and keep you looking good.

09. Fleece over top of one piece leathers

The fastest man in the paddock is ALWAYS wearing a fleece over his one-piece leathers. And he's usually on a GSX-R too. We understand it's cold and we know you're in leathers but man-up! Nothing says 'liability' on a trackday more than the bloke revving his engine in pit lane, wearing a fleece over his leathers, all arms and elbows as he makes his way out onto the track...

08. Long Way Round gear with matching GS

If the journey is across a Bolivian rainforest then the attraction of this adventure gear is somewhat plausible. But the likelihood is that the closest this gear will ever come to nature is passing the park on the commute to a city job! Admittedly Ewan is a dashing gentleman who can be seen in the heart's of wives and in aftershave adverts but in reality you’re not him and as adventurer Lois Pryce points out, it’s unnecessary.

Biking fashion don'ts - 07 to 04

07.  Comedy knee sliders

The main problem here is the knee sliders that feature graphics such as learner Ls and smiley faces, in fact the grinning face is the worst of this knee slider selection. Having to see the smile peering through the tarmac grazed slider is enough to grind away my happiness. These knee sliders are pretty much the funny tie of the motorcycling world, like the freaky office workers who wear those ties you probably have no personality.

06. Mismatched manufacturer branded leathers to bike ridden

Our friend to the right demonstrates this perfectly, it's wearing Yamaha leathers but riding a Suzuki. I don’t make the rules but the law states that the only set of riders exempt from this ruling are the racers who have changed teams and haven’t got a replacement set of leathers for pre-season testing. But at least they have the common decency to cover up the old logos with black tape.

05. Matching his/her gear

Parents dress up their twins in matching clothes because for some peculiar reason that’s cute, and like matching gear for couples it’s really sad, it screams repressed marriage. My advice to this couple; get some candles, a nice bottle of wine, a rose petal covered bed and let the passion take over. Oh, and one more thing throw away your matching kit.

04. Iridium visors

In general oil spills are really bad, they kill birds, anger environmentalists and generally cause a nuisance to all. So, with this in mind why would anyone want to replicate these man-made disasters on their helmets? Although, the small rainbow puddles on garage forecourts are eye-catching in a motoring kind way…wait, I’m getting distracted from the point here, there is nothing good about oil spills or iridium visors.

The Final Three riding gear don'ts

03. Leather waistcoats

In my mind there is only one group of biker that can wear leather waistcoats, and the guy to the right proves my point. One would never go up to him and say, “Excuse me sir, but you seem to be wearing a motorcycle fashion faux pas.” The likely response from the tattooed gentleman would be to kindly remove your testicles with his bare hands. However, the tasselled leather waistcoats worn by accountants on their sparklingly clean cruisers are free game.

02. Camo trousers

The whole point of camouflage is to merge with the environment and avoid detection from the enemy forces, but this really doesn’t work when worn on a road bike. Camo trousers are really only deemed acceptable by the streetfighter crowd but that doesn’t make it right. The chap to the right though appears to be some kind of marketing anomaly, I think they need to re-evaluate their target audience.

01. Helmet accessories (Mohawks and Bunny Ears)

He's ridng a BMW and he's got stick-on ears on his helmet. Enough said really. Anybody who contemplates placing these abominations to their helmet needs to leave the motorcycling fraternity. The same rule applies to the other various animal ear accessories, and the Mohawks that should stay with the punk bands. If the desire to wear bunny ears doesn’t diminish then it’s probably best that you hand over your keys to your bike and vacate your home and move to a burrow, you’ll be doing us all a favour.

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