fullsizeoutput_31fDon’t worry the games I played weren’t ever in a grave yard or destructive. I mean I wouldn’t be caught dead in a grave yard….Like EVER, like don’t even fucking bury me in one!!!! Grave yards freak me the fuck out and in every way. So which games did I play?Well the first one was run past the grave yard as fast as you can before you get haunted for life. The second one involves an old wives tale and I am not sure whose wife told the tale but she was a genius because it kept children quiet on car rides.When I was young and in a car with my four brothers and one sister we played a game. So I don’t know who actually told me to do this, all I can remember is that we did it every single time we drove past a grave yard, ANY grave yard.

So the back story goes something like this, when you drive past a grave yard everyone in the car has to hold their breath or else one of the ghosts in the grave yard will possess you. It is all becoming very clear to me now why I was always afraid of demon possession. I have been playing this game religiously since I can remember. Also the stupid and hideous movie “the exorcist” just confirmed my irrational fears is all.

We would all pile into the car and we would head out on our trip to wherever we were going. The way we sat in the car was also incredibly horrifying….in fact probably more so considering that we were a family of eight traveling in a car built for five. I grew up in the seventies and there were no seatbelt laws. We would all pile in and that meant that we were all squished together and getting elbowed. We would solve our own spatial problems by being super ingenious. I would either lay in the rear window, until I got yelled at by my father that he couldn’t see behind him. I never understood why he needed to… you are going forward…you should just watch where you are going. When I would get yelled at I would then sit on the hump. The hump was the place in between but under the seats and it curved up and created two little pockets for the feet of those sitting in the back seat. I would sit there. It was front seat adjacent and that was awesome until I would get kicked a thousand times, accidentally on-purpose.

When I was sitting up in the rear window I could see when we were approaching a cemetery. I could see those jagged stones sticking up from the earth like jutting rotten teeth. I would begin to panic because I didn’t know how far of a reach these ghosts had. Like what if I didn’t hold my breath soon enough or long enough. What a horrible scenario, you did what you could and the price you pay is possession. I would breathe in and I would hold my breath until the cemetery has long passed, then I would exhale and carry on with my life possession free. Sometimes my heart would beat weird, because of the murmur and I would think “This is it! I’m possessed!” I would say something out loud just to see if I was possessed or not.

“I really do Love Jesus! How about you guys?” I would exclaim loudly.

Yeah I am going to say there was a reason they all said that I was a weird little kid. But hey I didn’t know how to test a possible possession. So I would shout out odd christian sentiments…which was strange because we never went to church, or read the bible, or anything religious. The closest thing to religion we got was Christmas, my parents yelling “Jesus H Christ!” and holding our breath as we passed the grave yard. So for a child with no formal training I would say these types of things at odd times to test whether I was possessed or not.

So one time we were with my father and his friend and we were heading to a place called the alpine slide. This was a slippery concrete slide that you got into a little sled and go hurling down the length and slope of a mountain at speeds that seemed to be around fifty plus miles an hour. EVERYONE I know had scars from the Alpine Slide. It was a right of passage. You would show up with smiles and good intentions and leave with crying, sadness, missing skin, concussions and regret. It was a good time had by all.

On our way to have some old-fashioned skin removing fun we pass a graveyard. Don’t worry we told the new kids in the car what needs to happen. You are going to see the jutting grave stones and you are going to take a deep breath, you will hold that breath until we a past the grave yard. The other kids get the gist and thank the fuck they did because I am not going to the alpine slide with some possessed person pressed against my back as I am screaming down the mountain at top speeds. What if you flip? Will they help me or eat my brains? I don’t know what possessed people do. What if they throw me over the side of the slide? No, we must be super careful here and take extra precautions. You don’t fuck around when it comes to the alpine slide. As we approach the cemetery we all take a deep breath and there we are holding our breath and its going well. Until my father has to stop at a red light. Wait! What? When did they put that red light here? Why would they even put a red light by a fucking cemetery any way? What are they thinking? It seems highly irresponsible if you ask me! What about all of the ghosts trying to possess people? Are there just a shit ton of  possessed people roaming the earth? I am sitting there turning blue and trying to not pass out. I am horrified because I know that I need to breathe but if I do I am going to suck in some horrible ghost and I will be possessed forever. What am I going to do? This is worst than Sophie’s choice. Die of asphyxiation or be possessed? Finally I gasp for air. I decided that I would take my chances with alive and possessed.

That entire day I felt strange. I just knew that I was possessed. It was a nice little ghost that was quiet and trying not to insult anyone. She went down the mountain terrified that she was going to do something wrong. She tried to enjoy herself but she was just a little worry wart. Even when she flipped with her friend in the cart, she was super careful to pull her friend off of the tracks so that the people behind her didn’t run her down. Thank God I was possessed by a very compatible ghost. She was a lot like me with the one very big difference she was sad. Sad because she was possessed now. Me and my new ghost that I was now a bodily host to went home and as I was trying to fall asleep I said my prayers. My ghost girl allowed me to say them. She was alright, for a ghost girl who has possessed me.

It took me a couple of weeks before I forgot that I was possessed. I’m pretty certain that the girl moved on because she was forced to live my life and she was all like “Mmmmm! No thanks! I’ll take my chances with the afterlife. I’m going to see what they have to offer!”

Years later I asked my mother, when I was learning to drive, “What about when you pass a cemetery and have to hold your breath? Is that a little dangerous?”

My mother laughed at me and then said “Do you still do that?”

She didn’t know that one time I was possessed. I looked at her and she could tell that I was being one hundred percent serious. She continued to chuckle until she could get some composure.

“Becki that’s just an old wives tale!” she said

It was that day that I didn’t really fucking like old wives, because they were brutally mean with all of their tales. Maybe you wives should sit around and talk about unicorns and butterflies and angels and rainbows and happy things that don’t scare young children until they are too old to believe such things, like when they are learning to drive. Why do you all have to be such bitches?

Now that I am a young to moderate wife I will only tell tales such as these to change the image of old wives and the tales that they tell. When you hear of old wives and their tales you won’t piss the bed….unless it’s from laughter, which is what old wives do because Kegels are hard to remember. (every woman reading this story just started to do Kegels. Don’t worry! I won’t tell! Your secret is safe with me!)

Moral of my story: You don’t have to hold your breath when you pass a cemetery, it apparently was on old wives tale. Also let’s tell tales of good things and laughy things to change the image of the old wife. She has had a bad rap for all of these years. Whenever I would think of the old wives that were sitting around telling these tales they looked like the wicked witch of the west without her green makeup on….when she rode the bike and was awful to Dorothy and Toto. That movie gave me many a nightmare let me tell you! Also do Kegels so you don’t pee a little when you are laughing…I once thought my water broke because of such a situation. It was embarrassing because it was the hospital that told me that I simply wet myself.

Until next time 🙂

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