I was too powerful to let anything interrupt it.But that was the problem.
I needed to be interrupted.

Power  and what you do it with it, can be a negative. Just like energy and batteries.
Power can make you lose sight of value and worth.
You can even drown your own self in the pool of it.

We need to be interrupted sometimes so cat paddle slow, keep arm floaties on and don’t let powerful sink you.

There’s Usually Certainty..About at Least One Thing. I Think.

I guess I tend to guess and suppose very often
at least, I think so.

And when I write it, it is
Softner words; like the laundry sheets.
It rounds the edges of severity, creates less harsh and more
smell pretty.

For to be wondering and pondering and shifting ideas and not so concrete,
to be seeing angles and sides and views,
I value.

Overtime, certainty can feel the lack of itself
and want to possess a pool of backbones to bathe in.

I suppose usually, I wade in.
and it feels good when my feet can’t touch the bottom.
because swimming in the certainty that everything is a part of life
is a little like loving being lost.



Kinda. At least.

Older Men

I wanted to get out of the house, so I went into town.
Drove slowly through the neighbourhood,  went to a park and son had some food at a restaurant.Walking out- I see coming in,  a father whose twin boys go to my sons school.

Four minutes later I am walking down the street holding a glass vase with a rose inside of it all wrapped up in paper and an unopened envelope addressed to me.

” Just because. because I’m going to miss seeing ya each week at school, ” he had said.

It does make me feel good about myself.
It takes me back to the memory of the older men that wanted to be with me while I was in Thailand.
The 52 year old Australian who bought me my first Iphone just because. Well, he wanted me to stick around of course..
he wanted me to come back and live with him. To be Mommy to his two boys who were had via surrogate. He was incredibly wealthy.
I am not bragging, I am stating facts.
I have been low the past few days and these facts lift my heart up a bit. In an odd and guilty way.

It makes me think of the 48 year old who comes reguarly into the store I work at and has told my co-worker he’d like to date me.

It makes me think that I’m worth something.
And it bothers me that I rarely see this for myself. I do not look for it out there, but I don’t see it unless it comes in this form.

How do I fix this.



Respond Differently

The next time someone asks you how you’re doing in a text or email or facebook message. Try not just putting the generic, ‘ good, been better, I’m doing great!’ .

When I get asked that, I usually respond with a few specifics-personalized and most often,colourful- that allows the other person a peek inside my current life.
It is always welcome.
It is a simple and an easy enough question to ask. The ‘How are you doin?’ takes no mental capacity,a matter of a few seconds and little effort. It is more of a courtesy, a kindness, a form of ‘ yo,what’s up’ that comes naturally and without much thought.

I’m not trying to change the world with my in-depth replies…nor the motion of what is being asked. My replies don’t even give off a direct appreciation for it;for I do value the question. Not because it’s about my well-being, but because it is one of the hundreds of doors that open, allowing me to be creative. To put MY mind at work. To form giddy sentences, twist words and play with ideas.
And I will use any door in my life, for this purpose alone.

Being creative is something you shouldn’t have always have to strive for. It’s more about using opportunities.  Opportunities that come in forms of natural, everyday questions like, ‘ Hey,How ya doing?’.

The Lowdown on Memory Trucks and Memory Towns

What's up with continually looking back on memories and the way things 
used to be? Why do I do it so much it takes up all the space under my 
bed and prevents my clothing from hanging properly in my closet?
I'd like to think that I'm not the only one.
The thing is, I'm not sure one can train themselves to think less of 
those past years... or even if we want to.
I don't know about you but I find comfort and a sense of peace when I 
look back. It's like those good times can't get messed up and the 
feelings that attach with it, are ones that won't get snatched away. 
It's safe.
But along with these happy feelings, a longing tends to squirm and it's 
movements echo throughout our body. However small this longing may 
be, our minds usually catch feel of it.

When I decided to look into the bottom of my memory box I found that a 
lot of the photos and clippings, the receipts and the trinkets were 
from a certain town.
I realized that the destination of my rides to the past, were pretty 
darn predictable. Memory lane? Talk about a highway engrossed with 
directional speed. Zooming down tootsie roll roads,over a few hills and
home-made pizza bridges, ending up in the town of Two Thousand and Seven. 
Almost every single time.
Why there?

The memory destination for each of us is of course, different. It
is not just because of the parts of the world we are in, nor our personal
experiences but because of what we value in life.
Our interests and our values determine what lies at the bottom of our memory
box which in turn, determines where we arrive when we travel back. 

Do we have a choice of where the Memory trucks go?
Instead of revisiting the streets and buildings of Two Thousand and 
Seven, can we journey beyond that town and into another?
We certainly can.
The roads there may be of different texture, and various memories that 
you had forgotten could be located in oncoming traffic. These memories 
may produce feelings you weren't expecting and may alter your course 
but eventually you get there.
Looking around we see things we are familiar with. This town is full of 
people to.The smiles and interactions, the trees and the sidewalks. 

And the things you notice matter.

Even though it may be another year of memories, with perhaps a 
different country under your feet or a person gone-someone who was 
always in your memories before,there is a connection between all your 
memory box pieces.

What do you value in life?
Let's say you have children now and you value them the most. The 
value doesn't necessarily change in your memories and moments before 
they were born,the care and devotion just gets focused elsewhere. The 
strongest feeling you get when you think of your children, was 
dispersed elsewhere before you had them.Perhaps you showed your 
husband more care and attention because you liked his dependence on you. 
You valued feeling worthy and needed that connection to feel loved.

Maybe you value relationships, friendships.
Even though there are people who are in your life only for a day or a 
week it does not make them incapable of impacting you.
Isn't that kind of neat to think about?
Some of course, are with you through a longer period of time and those 
inevitably influence who you are. Sometimes we take on their morals and 
ways of thinking, sometimes we may almost lose our individuality.
The point is, the memories we continue to go back to are generally 
ones that contain what we value most in life.

For me, Two Thousand and Seven has streets filled with incredible 
realizations based on the people who were around me. The discovery of 
friendships as well as that long-lasting knowledge. So much love that 
seems to seep out from every corner and building of that Memory town
when I visit.

Why does it always seem so much better when I look back? Why wasnt it 
just as good then? When I was actually in that year with those people?
Most of us are familiar with the lyric,' we don't know what we've got
until it's gone'.
 I believe that can pertain to the reasoning but I also believe 
if we were thinking about those moments the way we do now, while BEING 
in those moments, it would change them completely, if not lose them. 
Our awe could freeze us, our blinking eyes could miss the minutes and 
our present days would be altered drastically.

It's okay to look back on those good times and reminisce of all the 
fun things you used to do, but how healthy is it if it is preventing 
these current days of great potential from occurring?

Which brings me to my final point.
What about the days we are living now? Are we so absorbed in the past 
that we are faltering in our present? Are we trying to capture the 
good feelings we assume we will feel years later on-about these 
current moments? Are we freezing up because we are afraid that what we 
value may disappear?

It is sad to think that distance may grow between a best friend you 
had or that someone you cared about will stop spending as much time with you.
Somethings are within our control and others are simply not.
What I want us to do is figure out our values.
Whether we have to take a few trips to our memory box or 
whether we already know,once those values are established we must 
plant them in our daily lives. We need to make country hills full of 
this stuff so that we can smell it wherever we go. Our crop must be 
visited everyday. We must nourish the seeds, the leaves, and the 
flower. We must care for them with delicate compassion and respect for 
our values determine our happiness. By focusing on them, we will feel 
fulfilled and the lungs of our daily lives will enable a strength that
allows us to dance for a lifetime in the presence of what we value most.
The more we stay focused on what we care about the most, the better 
the chance we will start living days we embrace with our whole heart.