Ed Gein

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Ed Gein.
Ed Gein

Birth name: ed
Date of birth: August 27, 1906
Birth location: La Crosse County, Wisconsin
Date of death: July 6, 1984
Height: 8 feet
Notable role(s): Grave robber/murderer
Spouse: "I've had many a fine woman..."

“This room definitely has a nice 'autumn' theme... I like it.”

~ Martha Stewart on Ed Gein's living room.

“Despite what people say, Edward was a gentle, gentle man.”

~ Dave Mustaine on his sexual encounter with Ed Gein.

Ed "Well-Balanced" Gein was a murderer of the 1950s whose crimes and life story gained widespread notoriety due to his cannibalistic practices, bizarre delusions and grotesque post-mortem mutilations of his victims.

Early life[edit]

Known throughout his childhood as Li'l Edga, Gein was an aspiring gangsta, who dreamed of working his way up in a street gang. For years he was subject to extensive ridicule and bullying at the hands of numerous kids.

Oscar Wilde, who knew him in his youth, described him as "quiet... sort of... sort of a loner. I remember once, just after his father abandoned the family [taking all of Li'l Edga's chronic] and his mother had given him a heavy beating and the town children had finished spittin' on him, kickin' him in the back of the head, callin' him a wankster, and trying to strangle him to death with his bling-bling, he came up to me sobbing and asked me for a nickel so he could buy a stick of gum... I just punched him right in the face and told him to get a job. He must've been... 7 or 8 years old at the time. Needless to say, years later when his crimes were discovered for the first time, me and the other townsfolk were just stunned. He really schooled us right this time."

After years of torment from his peers and his devoutly religious mom, he decided that dropping the flag was the best way out. He never went gangsta, again. He would later become a cannibalistic serial killer and grave robber. He wouldn't become involved in necrophilia quite like he had in gang-banging.

Discovery of crimes[edit]

During his early career as a budding serial killer, Ed was arrested for attempting to iron a hooker. The charges were dismissed as a very weird fetish.

1957 brought about a horrific discovery for the Citizens of Plainfield, and an exciting and morbidly fascinating one for the rest the world. On November 16, 1957, police arrested Gein when while investigating his home for a woman who had gone missing they discovered a mutilated corpse hidden in his shed as well as various articles of clothing and furniture which had been fashioned out of human flesh.

Gein's fellow townspeople were shocked upon learning of his dark obsessions and fetishes. Up until then he had lived a very low profile life in his secluded residence in a forest near a cemetery and was rarely seen outside of his dilapidated home except for when he ventured into town to stalk young women and incessantly ramble under his breath about the ghost of his mother and his desire to craft human remains into costumes which he could wear while masturbating and running through the woods screaming like a banshee.

After hours of questioning, Gein admitted to killing two people and stealing corpses from nearby graveyards. During a brief moment of lucidity(/prescription drug induced stupor), Gein expressed regret for his horrific perversions and crimes against his fellow townspeople, but also stated that he believed that he was in many ways a victim of society and his actual "crime" was that of love:

“For 52 years the people of Plainfield have alienated, beaten, tormented and mocked me. My mother was a hyper-protective sadomasochistic hoe, my father abandoned my family when I was very young and jacked all of my bubonic chronic. I've never had anyone I could truly feel comfortable expressing myself to and I've lived in seclusion while battling schizophrenia, manic depression and god knows what else for years completely alone. All I ever wanted was to feel at ease, so I robbed graves and made cute little tea cozies, costumes and bits of furniture out of cadavers. Plus I killed people. And ate their hearts. But I didn't have sex with the corpses because mother wouldn't approve of it so I just screamed and screamed and stamped my little feet and smashed holes in the walls of my house with nothing but my bare fists and smeared myself with raspberry jam and ran through the forest naked and talked to God and-- NO! SHUT UP!! SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!!! FUCK YOU, YOU NEVER LOVED ME, MOTHER, FUCK YOU!!! AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!!!”

~ Ed Gein on why he committed such bizarre crimes.

After reviewing the case, the court would find Gein fit to stand trial.

Ed Gein's inspiration on Media[edit]

Due to the bizarre nature of his crimes, Ed Gein inspired a multitude of uncreative authors and film makers to create various fictitious characters whose personalities and traits slightly mirror those of Gein's. Such characters include:

  • Norman Bates from Psycho - A fictional character who lived under the watchful eyes of his overbearing, woman-hating and abusive mother. When she started going out, Norman killed her and her boyfriend, preserved her corpse and kept it in the fruit cellar of the hotel he ran and started dressing up like her, believing he was his own mother and killed any woman who, in the eyes of his mother, was nothing but a slut. The main reasons that Gein and Bates are so different is that Gein was a farmhand and Bates owned a hotel, and while Bates was a handsome man, Gein was an everyday man; Gein also didn't keep his mother's corpse in the farm house.
  • Leatherface from (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre) - A fictional serial killer who lives in a dilapidated house near a graveyard on the outskirts of a secluded town. The main reasons that Gein and the fictional "Leatherface" are so different is because Leatherface uses a chain saw in lieu of a .22 caliber pistol, kills more people and is the product of incest.
  • Jame Gumb/"Buffalo Bill" from The Silence of the Lambs - A fictional character who obsessively worships his deceased mother and attempts to create a "costume" out of human flesh which he can wear and pretend that he is a woman. However, these curious similarities to Gein are offset by the fact that "Buffalo Bill" kills more people and owns a dog.
  • Ezra Cobb - A fictional mentally disturbed farmer who lives in rural Wisconsin and crafts furniture, costumes and other various items out of human flesh. Of course, this version of "Ed Gein" is highly idealized as the character of Ezra Cobb kills more people and worships satan.