It's not a moment I was proud of - weeks after Christmas a couple of years ago, standing with some friends on a rooftop, cursing the very name of Santa Claus.

"I hate that Santa Claus!" I yelled, adding a few saltier adjectives.

It seemed out of character, since for years I was a fan of holiday cheer, busying myself on cards, mix tapes and parties. I even have a Santa shirt you don't want to see. But in recent years, I've been surlier than the Grinch himself (of whom I was also getting quite sick, thank you very much).

Why? TV Christmas movies.

Not the classics, mind you. "It's a Wonderful Life," "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" and "A Christmas Story" are all very fine in my book (and crucially, all made initially for theatrical audiences).

But somewhere along the lines, TV - and especially cable - got the notion that it shouldn't just program a week's worth of holiday cheer but a whole month or even more (how better to carry the load of holiday ads).

That meant programming night after night of Christmas movies, with two or three new ones a week.

Such productions didn't have to rise to the expectations of the holiday. Indeed, standards were lowered. Romantic movies or stories of families burying the hatchet, which would rightfully never get made otherwise, got the green light if they added the sound of jingle bells.

Some films that end up on Hallmark or Lifetime or ABC Family don't seem at first to have much to do about the holidays at all. "Flirting with Forty," a Heather Locklear vehicle on Lifetime, only needs a bit of bunting in the background and a decorated tree to indicate a year has passed for a severely Botoxed woman and her romance with a surf dude.

Holidays are used as a kind of fallback emotional tug when all else fails. If the romance or the conflict isn't getting through, the suggestion of the holidays is meant to trigger the sentiment otherwise missing. Like Christmas albums recorded in July, there's something deeply false in most of the movies. The cheer is as manufactured as the theatrical snow. The locations always seem wrong.

One would think that the demand for so many new TV movies would lead to a flourishing of new ideas. But such creativity ceased long ago.

Now everything is a dim variation on "A Christmas Carol," with some overworked BlackBerry addict finding the real meaning of the holiday by slowing down enough to notice his kids. Interestingly, when it comes to "the real meaning of Christmas," religion almost never plays a part. (I've always had a suspicion about the number of Hallmark movies about adults who don't get along with their parents. Can it all be about boosting sales of greeting cards?)


The current model of an overworked exec is female in two of this season's crop of Hallmark movies, "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" and "Moonlight and Mistletoe," playing back-to-back Saturday.

Alternately, the holiday is a backdrop for some romantic tale. Lifetime specializes in these, with "A Christmas Wedding" and "A Very Merry Daughter of the Bride" back-to-back Saturday.

Another recurring plotline has to do with creating something known as the Best Christmas Ever. This phrase comes up so often in "Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh" (rerunning Saturday on Nickelodeon), you might think it were a drinking game if it weren't on a kids channel.

Films that dwell in the world of Santa keep returning to the Christmas that Almost Didn't Happen. This is the theme of both original productions on ABC Family so far this season, the animated "A Miser Brothers' Christmas" and "Snow 2: Brain Freeze." In each, others get ready to deliver presents when St. Nick seems unable.

Such films suffer from diminishing returns not only because of the threadbare plotline but because modern screenwriters want to have it both ways. They want to wink at the audience as if to indicate that they don't really believe this stuff, but their saccharine endings are built on the fact that you should believe in it anyway.

It's not known whether this plot is part of this weekend's ABC Family premiere. The network did not provide review copies for "Christmas in Wonderland," starring Patrick Swayze, Carmen Electra, Tim Curry and Chris Kattan.

You could just skip these movies, you Worse-Than-a-Grinch, and watch things more suited to your dark personality, like "Casino," "Armageddon" and "The Untouchables," which are on tonight. But I'm the TV critic, your first defense against such schlock. And besides, aren't you just a little curious about the Patrick Swayze-Carmen Electra movie? I know I am.

Online Extra: em or hate 'em, Christmas TV specials are here to stay. For a gallery and schedule of upcoming holiday TV programs, visit

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