Episode Transcript: Suds

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Episode Article: Suds




Gary: (wearing a hat and ear muffs) Meow.

SpongeBob: (slides into the bathroom) Oh, Gary, I don’t feel like myself.

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: Don’t be silly, Gary. I don’t get colds. I get the suds.

Gary: Meow?

SpongeBob: No, Gary. If I had the suds, I’d have bubbles coming out of me. (when he sneezes, pink bubbles come out)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: I can’t get the suds, ‘cause then I’d have to miss work! (puts his underwear over his mouth & nose then sneezes. Pink bubbles come out again)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: No, Gary. I like wearing my underwear like this. (turns around and has two bubbles representing his butt cheeks. Each one pops)

Gary: Meow.

SpongeBob: I’m not sick. I’m going to work. (at Krusty Krab, SpongeBob is cooking but sneezing at the same time)

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what’s holding up those patties? (SpongeBob turns around looking pale)

SpongeBob: Right away, sir.

Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, what’s wrong with you? You’re paler than a baby sea horse.

Gary: Meow.

Mr. Krabs: The suds?

SpongeBob: (holds up the krabby patty on a plate) Here’s that patty you wanted, Mr. Krabs, sir. (when he sneezes, the krabby patty splatters all over Mr. Krabs head)

Mr. Krabs: (wipes patty off his face) Alright, SpongeBob, you’re too sick to work.

SpongeBob: No, Mr. Krabs, I’m ok, honest. (Mr. Krabs opens the front door)

Mr. Krabs: No, now go home and get some rest. (SpongeBob walks off) Nothing personal, lad. I just can’t have you sneezing all over my food! (customers hear what Mr. Krabs just said and all spit out their food and run out of the Krusty Krab)> No, wait! Wait!

SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I feel horrible. (sneezes. Gary hides in his shell with pink bubble all over his shell) Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve got the suds, no doubt about it. (after he sneezes again, his right eye rolls down his face) I’d better take care of this before it gets out of hand. (picks up the phone and dials Sandy's number)

Sandy: (running on her wheel) Hello?

SpongeBob: Sandy, I’m sick. (puts his eye back into place) Can you escort me to the doctor’s?

Sandy: Oh, sure, SpongeBob. I’ll be there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot greasy griddle in the middle of August in...

SpongeBob: Yeah, ok, Sandy, thanks. (sneezes pink bubble through Sandy's phone. Later, as SpongeBob is getting dressed for the doctor, the doorbell rings) Coming. (opens the door)

Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob. Going skiing?

SpongeBob: I’m sick, Patrick. I’m going to the doctor.

Patrick: What? Oh, you can’t go!

SpongeBob: Why not, Patrick?

Patrick: I know a guy who knows a guy who went to the doctor once, and the doctor’s office is a horrible, horrible place!

SpongeBob: (sits in his chair) It can’t be as horrible as the suds. (sneezes)


SpongeBob: Is that the horrible part, Patrick?


SpongeBob: No!!

Patrick: Yes! It’s a device so sinister, so icy cold when it touches your bare flesh, it... (takes the end of the piece of coral and puts it on SpongeBob’s chest. SpongeBob jumps and runs around)

SpongeBob: No, no! No stethoscope, no doctor, no old magazines, no hiss! No! (flips over on the floor) Patrick, I don’t want to go to the doctor.



Patrick: What else are friends for? (later, SpongeBob is sitting on the table in his kitchen. Patrick is standing behind him. SpongeBob sneezes) It appears as though we’ll have to plug up these holes. This oughta do the trick. (pushes a small cork in one of SpongeBob’s holes. Then plugs up the rest of the holes with more corks) Voila! (SpongeBob sneezes but no bubble come out) Feel better?

SpongeBob: I don’t know. (when he sneezes more and more he enlarges himself)

Patrick: Help, I’m shrinking! (SpongeBob breaks the table) No! Please don’t hurt me!

SpongeBob: No bubbles! Patrick, your treatment is working!

Patrick: You think so?

SpongeBob: Sure! At this rate, I’ll be cured in no time. In fact, I’m going to call Sandy and tell her not to come. Thanks, Dr Patrick!

Patrick: And they said I’d never make anything out of myself.


Patrick: Sure, patient SpongeBob. (Patrick calls Sandy, who is about to head out for SpongeBob’s place) Hello, Sandy?

Sandy: Hiya, Patrick.

Patrick: I’m calling on behalf of my patient, SpongeBob.

Sandy: I’m on my way over to take him to the hospital.


Sandy: Well, I’m coming over to take a look. I’ll be over there faster than a barefoot jackrabbit on a hot...

Patrick: Oh yeah, yeah, the rabbit. Don’t bother, Sandy! (hangs up) Oh, SpongeBob, quick, Sandy’s coming! We’ve got to make sure you’re well, or she’ll take you to the doctor! (runs into the kitchen with rubber gloves on and dips them into the sink of water) Don’t touch me, I’m sterile! Scalpel, please. (takes some sea-nut butter and spreads it on SpongeBob’s right foot. Then puts a piece of bread on each side and his shoe on it) Feeling better?


Patrick: Feeling better yet?

SpongeBob: (missing a tooth) Not really.

Patrick: (jumping on SpongeBob in a ballet outfit) How...about...now?

SpongeBob: I don’t...think so. (Patrick puts a big band-aid on SpongeBob’s back)

Patrick: Feeling better?

SpongeBob: No. (Patrick rips the band-aid off and puts it somewhere else on SpongeBob’s back)

Patrick: How about now?


Patrick: How about now?

SpongeBob: Uh-uh. (Patrick rips the band-aid off. Later, Sandy arrives outside SpongeBob’s house)

Sandy: Hello, SpongeBob?

Patrick: (black mask on his head) Uh-oh, it’s Sandy. (SpongeBob is tied onto a medieval machine. He sneezes and enlarges himself into a ball. Sandy knocks on the door) There’s no one home.
Sandy: Patrick, you open this door. (Patrick is rolling SpongeBob away) Patrick, sometimes I just don’t understand you. (SpongeBob sneezes) Hey! (walks over to Patrick's house) Ok, Patrick, where’s SpongeBob?

Patrick: Uhh, uhh, he’s not here at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep. Beep.

Sandy: Ok, now tell me, (shows two rocks) since when do you have two houses?


Sandy: Uh-huh. Yeah. Since when do houses have feet? (SpongeBob’s feet are sticking out of the other rock)


SpongeBob: Hiya, Sandy.

Patrick: (holding SpongeBob’s hand) Hmmm, the dirt therapy seems to be working just fine.

Sandy: Patrick, SpongeBob has to see a real doctor.

Patrick: No he doesn’t! I’m taking good care of him! Show her, SpongeBob! Say 'ahh'.


Sandy: See? He’s even worse than I thought.

Patrick: (clothespin on his nose) What do you mean? He’s fine. (Sandy takes the clothespin off of his nose)

SpongeBob: I’m ok, Sandy, really. (sneezes again, enlarging himself more)

Sandy: I’m taking you to the doctor right now. (rolls SpongeBob away)

Patrick: Hey, that’s my patient! (runs over and pushes SpongeBob the opposite way) You can’t take him to the doctor’s.

Sandy: (rolling SpongeBob the other way again) Don’t be silly, Patrick!

Patrick: (carrying SpongeBob the other way) He’s mine! (Sandy is log rolling SpongeBob the opposite way)

Sandy: SpongeBob, you’ll be better soon. (Patrick is using a wheelbarrow for SpongeBob)

Patrick: I’ll save you! (Sandy is using SpongeBob as a basketball)


Sandy: Now look what you’ve done, Patrick!

Patrick: What I’ve done? Everything was fine until you showed up.

Sandy: You should be arrested for impersonating a doctor.

Patrick: Hey, I’m a good doctor, right, SpongeBob? SpongeBob? (SpongeBob rolls away)

SpongeBob: Guys, I can’t stop! (rolling down a hill, screaming) Help me! (Mr. Krabs is shining up some money)

Mr. Krabs: Shiny dimes.

SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs!


Doctor Gill Gilliam: Well, Mr. SquarePants, it seems you have the suds. Are you ready for your treatment?

SpongeBob: You’re not going to make me read old magazines, are you?

Doctor Gill Gilliam: No, silly, you get the sponge treatment. Oh, Hans? (Hans comes through the door and takes SpongeBob out of the room. Shows Hans cleaning SpongeBob with soap) Whoo! (Hans is using real SpongeBob to rub a man's back in the shower) This tickles! (Hans uses real SpongeBob to scrub a man's feet. SpongeBob sniffs) I can smell again! (real SpongeBob being used to wash a plate and a car) Whoo! Yeah! Yeah-eah! Whoo! (SpongeBob being rinsed off in the sink and put back in the doctor's room)

SpongeBob: I feel as good as new! I love the doctor!



Doctor Gill Gilliam: Oh, yes, Dr. Patrick, we have a special treatment for you.


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