Friday, August 28, 2009

diarrhea diaries

One of my favorite things about travelling so much (leaving the ‘people I love’) is having an excuse to cry. I loooove crying and I especially love crying in public. Crying alone isn’t very rewarding bc nobody’s there to feel sorry for you but crying in public gives it significance. Crying in public makes me feel like my Life Is A Movie and that’s basically all I ever want.

Airports are a great place to cry but Airplanes are the best. They’re more intimate; they’re one of the few places where you can easily make complete strangers uncomfortable and be sure they won’t escape. If you play your cards right you can make the people not only feel uncomfortable but also feel compelled to ask you ‘what’s wrong.’

That’s when I tell them all about how I had to leave my three children alone with their abusive [distant relative] in New Jersey so I could work in Croatia. When asked why I can’t work in America I tell them about the problems I with my visa and how, had I not left on my own accord, I would have been deported. When I see that they don’t believe this, (via me not having a Croatian Accent), I explain to them how I had a very strict upbringing in a foster home where they ‘beat the accent out of me.’

I have mastered the art of airport crying. I used to not wear eye make-up in ‘Airport Crying Situations’ in order to keep from getting ‘black streaks all over my face’ until I realized that the whole POINT of crying is to LOOK LIKE you’ve been crying. Now I make sure I’m as made up as possible before any trip.

That’s why, this morning, upon realizing I had packed my eyeliner AND brow liner in my biggest bag, (and knew that if I tried to get it out I’d set myself back 2 hours), I knew today would go badly. After raiding my sisters bathroom in hopes of finding a spare, (found nothing; thanks a lot, “Sis”), I opted for something I hate to admit--an ACTUAL PENCIL. (Ok, not like, a #2 pencil you would use on your SATS--it was a drawing pencil--but STILL).

I used this pencil on my eyes and eyebrows. It did work, much to my surprise, (I even took it with me, in case I’d need a ‘touch up’), but I’m pretty sure I’m going to get punished for this somehow. You know what I mean, girls. Like when you KNOW you did something you weren’t supposed to, like shaving the growing-back part of your eyebrows bc you can’t find your tweezers or washing your hair with soap because you forgot to buy shampoo. Like, I feel like the damage I’ve done to the skin around my eyes is un-fixable and I will look like Rachel Zoe in about two years.

Anyway, my first flight (to Washington) was terrible; I was sat next to some tool who was already stalking me at the gate and I didn’t want to cry in front of him because I KNEW he would use that as an excuse to talk to me. Little did I know he didn’t NEED an excuse and proceeded to tell all about his custom-made earplugs. (And let me tell you; the more he talked about them the more convinced I was of their usefulness). Five minutes later, some stupid baby started WAILING SO LOUDLY I thought I would die. 

The ONLY THING that helped me through that flight was imagining myself punching its stupid little face. (What I want to know is WHERE WAS THE MOTHER?  WHAT WAS SHE DOING? I hate this new “progressive (non-violent) parenting”).

By the time I got to Washington I needed a drink. I went to the first bar I saw and ordered a huge bloody Mary. I opened my Cosmo and started reading. (This month’s Cosmo will get its own blog post for sure. Stay tuned). 

About two minutes later I’m finishing off my drink and Some Waiter comes up to me and asks me if I’m “American.” Offended by the question, I inform him that I am OBVIOUSLY not American, and that I am OBVIOUSLY from Croatia. (Expecting him, like everyone else, to think that Croatia is A) in Africa, B) in Asia, or C) in North Carolina). Much to my surprise, he smiles and says, “Nemoj zezat! Koji grad?” (That’s Croatian, yall).

We instantly “bond” and discuss the “Wonders And Hardships Of Our People,” as all Croatians do anytime they meet another Croatian. (I used to think this only happens when a Croatian living overseas randomly meets another Croatian living in that country but it actually happens anytime any Croatian talks to another Croatian, anywhere. Like, if yall think I’M narcissistic, you should meet the rest of us). Five minutes later he yells across the bar to Some Other Waiter and says that she “owes him five bucks” because I’m “not from Paris.” I was flattered.

I had another hour to kill so I figured id treat myself to Some Food. In the spirit of Going Back To Italy, I figured id get some ‘pizza.’ I ate a slice of cheese pizza and watered it down with two Starbucks double espresso drinks. 

For dessert I had a vanilla latte. (Recap all I had consumed in the past 30 minutes and you can guess what’s about to happen). I go to my gate, make my Last Phone Calls, and board the plane.

I wont go into detail on this but I will tell you that I spent 90% of that flight in the ‘lavatory.’ I’m pretty sure the Guy Sitting Next To Me thought I was either A) ‘shooting up’ or B) having a miscarriage.

The little time I did spend in my seat, I spent reading “My Horizontal Life” by Chelsea Handler. 

This is a great book about Chelsea’s life via one-night stands, drug experimentation and binge drinking. This book really inspired me; it’s my new “Catcher in The Rye,” and by that I mean I’m going to carry it around with me always so that I can A) re-read passages of it when I’m feeling ‘down’ and B) ‘accidentally’ let people see that I have a book in my purse. After reading this (brilliant) book I can honestly say that I love Chelsea dearly and genuinely and hope that we can be great friends one day.

luv u, chelsea <3

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

homecoming partie

im flying back to milan tomorrow. here's the luggage sitch so far:

1 suitcase of shoes
1 suitcase of clothes
1 suitcase of bags/accessories
that's normal, right?
not sure how ill carry it all myself. will make a flight attendant help me ;-)
feel rly excited about coming back. feel like milan isnt the same without me. feel like everyone there had a totally boring summer. (sorry guyz).

feel like i should have a big party to celebrate that fact that im back. feel like when i come home my 'closest 200 friends'

will be hiding behind couches/chairs/etc, waiting for me to show up. they'll have prepared lots of food

and brought lots of alcohol 4 me to consume. they'll have bought me gifts to show 1, how much they 'appreciate my friendship' and 2, how much they've missed me.

ill be rly tired from my trip but grateful for the effort my friends put into my party so ill stay up by doing tons of coke that my friends scored for me.

my friends will have made a 'mix cd' of all of my favorite songs and we'll 'dance the nite away.'
later we'll just sit around and 'talk for hours.'
we'll get into an argument because 'we're so different now.' they'll tell me that 'ive changed' and ill say thats 'a good thing.' ill say that 'just because we're different now doesn't mean we cant be friendz.'

they'll say they just wish things could be 'like they used to.' they'll start crying and so will i. we'll realize how important we are to each other and how strong our love 4 each other is. we'll forget all about how i 'left them 4 america' and how they 'had a terrible summer bc i was gone.' we'll start a 'new life together' and never look back.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

the crumpets comrade

a general rule i have for myself is to stay as uninformed as possible. i avoid any "Real Facts" that have anything to do with people, places or things. since ive been staying with my parents in america, however, ive had trouble avoiding it because they watch the news (via the Daily Show) every single day.

ive overheard some things, and from what i understand, America's Going Red.

with this new "Healthcare Plan" our Prez is suggesting the U.S. will be Communist by 2010. our kids will be reading Karl Marx instead of Huckleberry Finn. tweenage Middle-Class Angst will be replaced by Class-Less Angst and your new iphone will become everyone's new iphone.

not only that, but fashion will change completely.
by next year you wont have a choice-all your clothes will be government issued-but if you want to stay "with it" i'd suggest you start dressing and acting as communist as possible as soon as possible.

being a Communist Enthusiast and Natural-Born Slav, i wont have to change much to keep up. but for those of you a bit more "american," ive compiled a list of hot trends for this fall that will keep you "In Vogue" and away from any Blacklists that may be going around: 

Fall 2009; Trends for the Crumpets Comrade:

1. Wear Red.
this shows people that youre an obedient, supportive communist and that youre sexy and fun! 

2. Be Commie Chic.
"commie chic" is a difficult chic to describe because its more complex than the other chics. heroin chic, hippy chic, retro chic, etc, are restricted to a few variations of one "look." commie chic can't be described because that would be like describing what "capitalist chic" would look like, if capitalism could be chic. 

because communists can be little girls, teenage soldiers, grandparents and dictators, it simply can't be described. it's something you have to feel and something you'll have to learn. you'll need some guidance, and that brings me to my next tip:

3. Follow a Fashion Icon.
good male fashion icons are Vladimir Lenin

and Josip Broz Tito.

great female icons are Nadezhda Krupskaya 

and Cate Blanchett in "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

4. Stay Informed via Propaganda.
a good communist reads up on propaganda daily; this wont be a big change for anyone because the stuff's everywhere. Vogue is my favorite. in fact, my first few tips are supported in this month's issue! right on the cover it says that "Red Is The Color" for fall and that "Boots & Suits are Back!" 

5. Get a Nickname.
nicknames are always cool but they've got to keep up w/the times.
here are some examples:

Ann = Anezka
Brittany = Bronislava
Kate = Kazatimiru
Bob = Boleslaus
Tom =Tomislav 
Ross = Rostislav
Van = Vladimir


6. Drink.
good communists are drunk communists and drunk communists drink Vodka. 

good communists drink vodka straight, but if you can't do that (rolls eyes) you can order a mixed drink only if its acceptable:

Red Russian
1 ounce strawberry liqueur 
1 ounce vodka
1 ounce heavy cream

1/3 ounce raspberry syrup
1/3 ounce grenadine
1/3 ounce creme de cassis
1 ounce vodka

a 'Cosmo' is not.

7. Find Fitting Music.
yall know the music you listen to has to fit your "image." (ive made an ipod playlist to match each of my outfits). your safest bet is the old stuff. here's a song by a Yugoslavian band from the 80s called "Idoli." i love this song because its good for parties and for The Party.

8. Use Slavic Slang.
ok, before i get into this ill address what some of you are thinking: "why are you only talking about slavic commies? other places are/were communist, too!" ok, i know that China is "communist" or whatever but everyone knows that doesn't count. slavs were the only real communists. therefore one way to be really authentic is to use some slavic slang. think Alex in "A Clockwork Orange."

he used slavic-sounding words all the time that weren't even real words! if you believe they're real, so will everyone else. till you get that down call everyone "comrade." its a good start.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

How To "Fake It:" looking strung out

yall ive been doing a lot of (prescribed) drugs lately bc of my surgery and im starting to get what "all the fuss" is about-why being strung out never goes out of style; why Pete and Amy always look so chic.

being "strung out" is the best thing that's even happened to me; i look tired, hungry, weak and sick; aka amazing. the problem is that i can't keep it up much longer.

today my mom told me that she's suspicious of me and that i may be "more like my father afterall." she said she'd start marking my (second) bottle of Oxycodone because she's worried i may be taking too much.

im not so upset about not "getting high" anymore; im just sad that my strung out look will fade before anyone sees it! (remember ive been INSIDE all week).

thankfully ive got this look down, and i think that ill know how to fake it. cuz lets face it, yall. girls are great at faking. we fake everything from our cup sizes to our orgassies*

* "orgassie" -- newest slang for "orgasm," via up-and-coming (famous) blogger Matt George, aka Suddenly Goku.

thats why ive decided to start a series of How To "Fake It" blogs, for those of you who may need some tips. the first thing im going to teach you how to fake is being (looking) strung out. here's what you'll need:

1. a sickly complexion
this ideally includes, but is not limited to, paleness. tan people can also have a sickly complexion. make sure you don't use any blush or concealer. your whole face should be one even, sickly tone. you need to look like you're on the verge of fainting/passing out/vomiting.

2. dark under-eye circles
these are great; ive always been drawn to guys with dark under-eye circles. they're super sexy and super chic. dark under-eyes are hot because they imply that the person w/ them was 1) not sleeping, aka out all night partying 2) not sleeping, aka up all night doing drugs 3) generally unhealthy. all very cool.

a great way to fake dark eye circles is with some nice brown eye shadow. it must be dark and matte. rub it under your eyes AND on your eyelids.

the picture above is a perfect example of fake under-eye circles. this is a bit subtle for my taste, but good for work or aschool.

3. gross hair
remember my post on the uses of baby oil? well add this to the list!
dont wash your hair for a while. youre too busy shooting up! rub baby oil into your scalp for the perfect gross and greasy look.

4. sweat
you're anxious, you're nervous, you're freaking out cause you need your "fix." you're one big, sweaty mess. actual sweat is way gross, so for this you should also use your baby oil; apply a generous layer of sweat-like grease to your face and your limbs.

5. weight loss
probably not something you can fake. go on the tonsillectomy+adenoidectomy liquid diet (see previous post) and you'll get there within a week.

6. nervous habit/tick
youre fiending, remember? you've got to develop some kind of nervous twitch or habit if you wanna seem legit; this could be scratching, shaking or even chain-smoking.
be convincing.

Monday, August 17, 2009

bloggers block

hey yall, remember me?

im only writing to clear the air. ive heard the rumors. i've heard that  i'm "not funny anymore" and that i've "RUN OUT OF MATERIAL."

and im disappointed. i'd like to think you'd at least come up w/better stuff like that i "overdosed" or "got knocked up." i dont know if im more offended by the lack of faith yall have in me or by how boring yall think i am. anyway,

1. i was never funny.
2. the day i run out of "material" is the day Karl Lagerfeld admits he's straight.

that being said, i do admit that i've been facing some problems since ive come back to america:

1.  i caught the Swine Flu.
2. learned that im suffering from Skinny Fat.
3. got surgery.

did i finally get that nose job?
i wish.
unfortunately it's nothing so glamorous. last week i had my tonsils and adenoids removed.

that's right- all this time ive been suffering in silence. for years ive had trouble breathing, id get sick for no reason and always had a stuffy nose. the worst part? i was snoring.

my doctor and i finally decided that this had to be done. in the middle of my American Summer Vacation. while i should have been barbecuing,


and dancing,

ive been in bed, bleeding and crying.


it's not all bad, however. in addition to noticing a difference in my breathing/voice, (may be a pop star after all!) i've had some Post-Surgery Perks:

1. Mad Men.
ive been laying in bed since friday with nothing to do but watch every episode like 500 times

all the women in this show are my new fashion icons. they chain smoke and drink and gossip all day and  i think i would have fit in really well had it not been for all that "sexism" or whatever. (sucks that the worse "politics" were throughout history, the better, in turn, were the shoes).

Joan is obviously my favorite bc she's the "bitch" who "uses" all the men.

i feel it's really appropriate that ive been watching a show full of frustrated, restless secretaries and housewives while i, myself, have been frustrated, restless and bound to the house. luckily in my case there's no husband or child involved.

2. weight-loss.
my doctor told me i'd have to be on a "liquid diet" following my surgery.
i was like, "what else is new?"
consuming only yogurt, baby food and fruit juices does wonders for one's figure.

3. drugs.
they've got me drinking liquid oxycodone every day. glad even doctors prefer me as a junkie.