

The Box Office Top Ten 6-29-2017

Number 10: Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2


Still not for this movie… still an awesome poster.





Number 8: Rough Night




Dead Men also apparently use no facial cream huh Javier?



Number 6: All Eyez On Me


Number 5: The Mummy


Number 4: 47 Meters Down


Oh yeah… this seems like a good idea.



Number 3: Cars 3





Number 2: Wonder Woman


Number 1: Transformers: The Last Knight





And there you have it guys: the whole kit, the whole caboodle! If you want even more of the things my brain does why not check out my podcast at thepsv.podbean.com Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week!


Hail and hello Internet and welcome to another classic and semi-sweet edition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. An edition in which we must ask ourselves: is Tom Cruise better than Brendan Fraser???

Yes. I mean, objectively, he just is. So… bye??

Micah Reviews: The Mummy


The  Mummy at no point features any snakes… though it does feature some  VERY big ants.


The Plot:

So a long time ago in an Egypt Far Away a young girl fought with sticks on a sand pile. A lot. Like an unusual amount of stick fighting on sand. She was also the Princess of Egypt right up until a Prince of Egypt was born and made into an animated movie. The Princess wasn’t a fan of the movie though, so she killed it. By which I mean she actually murdered a person. Several persons in fact. She murders these persons so that she can be the Queen of Egypt but also because her brand new boyfriend the Egyptian god of death is a huge fan of said death and also (somewhat ironically) wants to be brought to life. But before she can do that she is stopped by some other Egyptians and then (in hopes of launching a film franchise) they turn her into a mummy! Because ladies can be mummy’s too!

Many thousands of years later Tom Cruise comes along and (for reasons far too coincidental to get into here) unearths the Mummy little Mummy house. For science reasons the Mummy is then transported to London where the Mummy crashes a plane, eats some souls, uses some mascara, and then sets her evil plan in motion to un-dead her undead boyfriend and then… conquer??? Something??


Tom Cruise and the “Mummy House” as I have dubbed it.


The Positives:

Look, the Mummy isn’t a bad movie. It’s not a good movie, but it’s not bad. At the core of the Mummy is a good idea, and an interesting thought. The execution of that idea isn’t always great but the idea is still fairly solid.

The most interesting character in the movie by a long shot is the Mummy herself. Generally speaking with Monster movies the monster isn’t really a strong character but when the Mummy is onscreen she’s the one you’re paying attention to. It would have been great if the writers could have come up with a better backstory for her but… see my above sentence on: “Good ideas, bad execution.”


Tom Cruise looks EXACTLY this bored throughout the movie.


The Negatrons:

Just like I don’t have a huge list of positives, I’m not gonna sit here and make a massive list of negatives. That said: the script lets what was a good idea down in a big bad way. None of the “character progression” is very progressive, character decisions are handled with casual disregard, and various stabs at humor almost always fall flat. Like the writers of the script sort of copied and pasted together the scripts like a kidnapper using a magazine and none of the lines really have any particular flair or purpose behind them.

As interesting as The Mummy is, the rest of the characters in the movie fail to distinguish themselves in any way. Except for the main love interest ‘Jenny’ her only distinguishes herself by falling in love with Tom Cruises’ character for absolutely no reason and then having her name yelled roughly 7000 times by Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise doesn’t do anything really great in this movie but he also doesn’t really have much to work with other than shouting Jenny’s name over and over and over again.

In Conclusion:

The Mummy is a perfectly fine movie. It’s not overly good. It’s not terrible. It’s a shame because there was a good idea for a movie somewhere underneath the bland scripting and middle of the road action. I can’t say you should run out and see it instantly but there are some good things happening in here.

I give it 2 screaming Jenny’s out of 5


The Weekly Headlines 6/15/2017












I just… the tears…. I can’t.





Well hey Internet, I’m back from vacation. I was gone for a little while but probably not quite as long as you were hoping I would be.

And speaking of Pirates of the Caribbean 5…

Micah Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean 5


PoTC 5: Because that dumb Disney ride won’t pay for itself you know.


Yeah, you guys didn’t even know I could get into the actual material of a blog that fast did you? You thought I was somehow morally obligated to get through 100 words before I started talking about movies didn’t you? Well no more sir! This is the newer, sleeker, less filling Thoughts We Might Have Had, where I can get into the blog as of about 8 words ago!

The Plot:

Jack is back guys! He’s a Pirate. He enjoys being a Pirate, but he is (after four movies) distinctly not very good at actual Pirating. I mean, in the first Pirates movie he was sort of accidentally good, but these days he’s actually legitimately just not very good at pirating. Anyway, it seems that long ago in a scenario in which he got his entire outfit for some reason, Jack sunk the ship of a man named Salazar and that man got resurrected by… the Aurora Borealis’s evil brother, Niles Borealis. He’s also given some fantastic hair, it’s worth mentioning but this gift of immortality and well groomed hair isn’t enough to sate Salazar’s burning desire to be a villain and he goes on a long quest to VERY roundaboutly kill Jack Sparrow without trying all that hard.


You could swap out the cast of this movie and the cast of the 4th movie and I promise no one would notice.


Jack meanwhile must partner up with characters who are basically the same two pallet swapped characters he’s been partnering with throughout this franchise to chase down some super natural thing that will inevitably tempt him, but also solve all his problems. Also: Orlando Bloom is back. So that happens.

The Pros:

Look, the acting here is solid. Johnny Depp can still be a weird Pirate in a gradually increasing amount of face makeup. Geoffrey Rush at this point is an actual pirate and should play nothing but Pirates forever. Series newcomer Javier Bardem does an admirable job of really trying to make this movie be something other than another tired sequel to a franchise that got pretty dang tired a couple movies ago.

Umm… I mean it looked pretty good. Javier Bardem’s pirate hair looked pretty good. If Purt Plus ever gets tired of having women pretending to wash their hair with their products they can definitely talk to Javier about his Pirate hair… which rhymes.


Look at the flow in that hair?? Those beautiful wavy locks!! That could be you, with just a little Pert Plus and a lot of being cursed by Satan.


The Cons:

This whole thing just felt so… tired. The writers didn’t really seem to care if the jokes were funny or if the plot was original, or if the characters were interesting. Someone just said: write a lot of Johnny Depp running around. And that’s what they did. They wrote just enough stuff to say “It’s a Pirates of the Caribbean movie” and then immediately stopped. If there was a line on a wall that said “You must be this tall to be a Pirates of the Carribean movie.” This movie would be exactly that tall. It’s not a bad movie per se, but it’s VERY not a good movie.

In Conclusion:

There honestly isn’t a ton to say about Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Franchises Keep Telling Tales. It just exists. It’s not good enough to merit your attention, but it isn’t really bad enough to merit your disdain. It’s a movie that (like its main hero) just sort of teeters back and forth a lot. The humor doesn’t ever really land, but it’s not terrible. The action is paint by numbers Pirates but it’s not entirely un-entertaining. Pirates of the Caribbean 5 just happens. It’s two plus hours of a movie that is (undeniably) comprised of two plus hours of materials.

I give it two Pert Plusses out of 5.


BOTT: 6/1/2017

Number 10: Beauty and the Beast





Number 9: The Boss Baby


Number 8: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword





Number 7: Snatched




Number 5: Everything, Everything



Look at all the High School they’re having!


Number 4: Alien: Covenant


Number 3: Baywatch


Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2




Pirates 5 because umm… Hats? We had these hats…




Okay guys… let’s buckle down and talk about some of that sweet Alien shall we? A sequel to the prequel that wasn’t nearly as good as the sequel or the original, but will this sequel capture the old alien magic? Or the new alien significantly less magic? Only time will tell!!… And also this blog. This blog will tell.

Micah Reviews: Alien Covenant


He’s angry and has VERY bad breath.


SPACE!! The Final Frontier. As it turns out in this particular version of SPACE!!! The frontier is… kinda dingy. No shiny spaceships or Captain Kirkness round these parts. Nope. This is all grime all the time. So we join our noble and grimy adventurers as they set out to a distant planet with a ship full of humans who they are definitely not supposed to put at risk under any circumstances.

But hey! Look at that shiny light from that mysterious planet!! They should definitely veer of course and check that out right?? And hey, why wear those annoying space suits or pay attention to the fact that the planet is very obviously inhabited!! This is SPACE! And if you can’t haphazardly explore space with no regards for consequences or your inevitable blood filled murder deaths, why did you come here in the first place? And thus with a bang of stupidity we are introduced to the often whimper filled series of events that form Alien Covenant.


These idiots will be your tour guides… tours do not end well.

The Positives:


Look, in the end, all summed up, this movie is probably better than Prometheus. That said, Prometheus was bad. This movie is also bad but it’s least sort of watchably bad. The alien effects are solid, and the new alien types are WAY more interesting than anything Prometheus had on offer. The action set pieces are pretty good and it does have a little bit of the original Alien’s tension. These are all good things.

Also of note are the cast who all do very well. Michael Fassbender is great (per usual), Danny McBride delivers a surprisingly strong performance and Katherine Waterston is… fine. She’s not the best part of the movie, but she’s not terrible or uninteresting. She’s sort of a less interesting version of Ripley, and while that’s not an insult per se the movie needed absolutely every advantage it could get and Waterston’s general fineness doesn’t give the movie any sort of bonus kick.


Ripley-lite, now with 40% less calories, and 50% less interesting.


The Negatrons:

This is a ship filled with profoundly stupid people, making repeatedly stupid decisions. A scientist looks into an open alien egg by putting his unmasked face as close to it as possible. People walk around on top of a planet they don’t know without helmets just because. Someone thinks to check the identity of a fellow crew member only after it is far too late to do anything about said crew members VERY obvious betrayal, it’s a running list of bad decisions made by people who are supposed to be smart. You expect stupid decisions in a horror movie but that’s not strictly speaking what the Alien franchise has always been about.

Which leads us to another (related) con. Are we sure Ridley Scott still knows what’s going on with his franchise? The last two movies have been a mix of very deep, supposedly intelligent people making very long winded speeches about the universe and the meaning of life and why we’re here and who made us and just ALL the philosophy, directly before those same people touch a huge obviously hostile space snake. Either make your characters dumb grunts who don’t know better, or make them super smart scientists who talk philosophy. It’s incredibly hard to do both and really that’s now what we’re here watching Alien for. We go to philosophy class or weird Christopher Nolan movies to learn about space philosophy. We come to Alien to watch dumb people put their faces over space eggs and get eaten by Xenomorphs.


In the end Alien: Covenant gets stuck somewhere between its good parts that harken back to the original horror roots, and it’s bad parts that remind you of Prometheus constant Spacelosophy and stupidity. It’s not a terrible movie, but it’s not a particularly good one and falls far short of the return to form we were hoping for.

I give it 2 extremely poor decisions, out of 5.

Box Office Top Ten 5-25-2017

Posted: May 26, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity


The Box Office Top Ten 5-25-2017 

Number 10: How to Be a Latin Lover 


Number 9: Beauty and the Beast 


Number 8: The Boss Baby 


Number 7: The Fate of the Furious 



As promised: a truly terrible children’s movie.

Number 5: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword 


Number 4: Snatched 


Number 3: Everything Everything 


Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 


Number 1: Alien Covenant 




Also: check out my comedy podcast over here!! thepsv.podbean.com

Thanks, and I’ll see you next week!