Now and Then

Now and Then by Abbie Pan

Honestly, blowing up another school is the last thing I wanted to do.

Well, some days I feel like my life is supposed to be different. Right now, I am literally feeling like I am the worst person in this world right now. Every time I try to be better; but sometimes, in fact, it always turns out me making mistakes. My teacher says it is good to make mistakes; but when I do, the teacher goes crazy mad at me. Sometimes, I feel like shouting at them. Should I? No I know that’s wrong. But if things continue to go like this, I’m going to go haywire. And I will show them what’s wrong and right.

Again it’s the next day. Things already feel like it’s the end of the world. Why am I supposed to be in this world? I don’t think I’m even supposed to exist! Here it comes…all it takes is a bit of courage, a bit of trust. “Again! Beth! What in this world are you doing! Stop messing around with glue! How should a high school student behave? Like this? Huh?” Ms. Helens said. “Even primary student can behave tons better than you Beth! If you continue to act like this, you will be expelled!”

“Uhh..uhh….I…, it wasn’t m-my fault! I swear!” I said, I already had a bad start how worse can this possibly get…

“Nonsense! Excuses! I’m tired of all of that! Celia, you are my evidence, what did she do?

“I saw her!” said Celia. “She was playing with glue the whole time!” Celia-the-know-it-all said. SHE was the one who was playing with glue! Why blame it on me? Celia did it not me! I wanted to say that. But I didn’t have the guts to. Why?? What is wrong with me? Am I just a mistake? If I had one wish, I would of course, yes, of course I would want to know if I was just a mistake. If life was meant to be. And, how could things change. Every day I feel like it’s the end of my life. Not just my life, like it’s the end of the world. At home, I know this might sound crazy but I always use up 20 minutes of my time at night, thinking about how life could change, imagining how life could be without all these disasters. Imagining about what there could be so much more to life. When I imagine about it, life is a miracle. But in real days of life, life is literally a disaster. Every day to me, all life does to me is things get worse, and worse, and I wonder how bad it can possibly get. That’s it. I want to protest. And in fact, I am going to protest. In my mind I know I am a brave, strong, and a confident girl. But now thinking in real life, what’s happening right now is I am sitting in a chair, the whole class staring at me and everyone was silent. Awkward. Speechless. Moment. Everyone was waiting for me to say something. I sat there silent for 10 minutes; I must’ve looked like a nerd. Should I just stay speechless? Play dumb? I have no idea! Help! In my mind, I had a million questions that popped out of my brain, which I am eager to ask; but this isn’t a good timing. No, no, NO. Beth, you can do this, I know you can, just believe in yourself, you’ll get it, I said to myself, but I just realized I said it aloud. Really loud. That interrupted the silence. And made things more awkward…

It was the end of the school day. But I was shivering. Tomorrow they will hand out report cards. I just don’t want my parents to see it. They will be so disappointed in me.

Great. It’s another boring school day-and worse than that, it’s the day that they hand out report cards! Reader, I swear I am innocent! You saw it, right? Oh no, oh no, oh no! Now what? Right now, I am sitting on a chair in the school bus, just wondering how my report cards would be like. No, I see it. I recognize this place. We’re close to school. Okay, Beth, you got this. You’ve been through many difficulties of life. Beth, you got this.

No, why are we at school so early?!? Even though the classroom was burning hot, I was shivering. There is a new girl in this class called Ashley and the teacher assigned ME as a buddy for her to introduce her to the school! Why me?? Why not someone else?? I thought I was a disaster?! Why did the teacher specifically choose ME?!?!?! Why?? Well, I mean, it’s not a bad thing (cause it might be a chance for me to make a friend) but still, I don’t understand why in this world would the teacher choose me?!?! Well, things are probably still fine, just live with it, Beth.

“Greetings my dear,” Ms. Helens said to Ashley, the new student. “Would you like to introduce yourself to your new classmates?”

“Sure! I’ll love to Ms. Helens!” said the new student in her cheerful tone, I didn’t really expect that she would react like that, I have a bad feeling about this, everybody would want to make a friend, just, so, like, like such a joyful person! How in this world would she be able to make friends with someone like me?!? “Hi everyone! Name’s Ashley, you probably know that already; I’m from Malaysia and was born in Switzerland. How about you my fellow classmates?” Ashley continued, going on, and on, and on. Two braids from her smooth, gentle hair tied in pink ribbons, just fitted perfectly with her crystal blue eyes and her sweet smile. I didn’t really pay attention to anything she said, cause I was both nervous and excited to be her buddy.

“Thank you my fellow classmates,” Ashley said. “Nice knowing you all now.“Ding-dong-ding-dong, ding-dong-ding-dong!The bell rang. It was time for recess, Ashley walked up to me. I shivered. I tried my best not to hesitate. And for the first time, I smiled. “Hi, um..uhh…”

“Its Ashley,” Ashley said in a polite smile. “You?”

“Beth, I am. Ms. Helens assigned me as a know.“

“Yes, my friend. So…um…” Ashley chuckled. “What’s first?”

“Oh, uhh…f-follow me, we’ll be um..uhh- heading to the cafeteria.“

Ashley just nodded her head and gave a sign for me to lead on.

Together, we headed to the cafeteria. Things were pretty fine, to be honest. I quite like that Ms. Helens chose me to be her buddy; not that bad after all. But suddenly, a bad thought struck my mind. I began to sweat. What if my other classmates tell Ashley bad things about me? What if Ashley starts to like the other people more than me? What if…what if Ashley thinks I’m too shy? No Beth, stop thinking about this, you’re making things worse. You got this, Beth. I showed her around the place and we shared secrets and jokes with each other. We had fun going around the school and talking to different teachers. The day past quickly, unlike other days. We had the same CCA’s. When we were about to get dismissed, Ashley whispered something to me: “Come to my backyard tonight, promise me you’ll keep it a secret. If you need me, just call this number,” Ashley scribbled her telephone number on my wrist. “Good luck.” And without saying good-bye, she went on the school bus, not waiting for me.

When I got home, I carefully took out the report card. Without reading it, I took a pen, and signed it myself. That was the only thing I could think of, or what else could I possibly do? I put it back in my backpack,  making sure no one saw me. Then, I noticed the scribble that Ashley wrote on my wrist before dismissal. Should I go? Part of me was like ‘no, it’s too risky.’ Another part of me was like ‘you must go, it’s an offer from your best friend.’. Both sides echoed in my mind. It was such a headache. Then, I tried my best to get rid of the headache. But my heart decided to go find Ashley.

I packed my phone and a small mini notebook and a tracker to see how far I am away from home. I called Ashley. There was no answer. I used the tracker to tell where I was, I continued to bike straight ahead. Yes, I eventually found Ashley’s house. I tried to call Ashley again, still, no reply. I knocked on the door; and the door somehow creaked open by itself. Wow. I couldn’t believe my eyes. What I saw was a beauty. A tremendous 8 level floored mansion with a small fountain in the middle of the ball room or something; it was incredible. Then, I turned my head, wondering where Ashley was. But the mansion was empty.

I walked upstairs to see if Ashley was there. But it was completely empty. Did I enter the wrong house? No, it can’t be. Where is Ashley??? That was the thing that echoed most in my mind.

Suddenly, I found a hole in the middle of the mansion. It was deep- I couldn’t even see the end of it. What could it possibly do? Isn’t that suicide to- no, don’t even thinking about it, Beth. Headache. Again. My head was aching worse than last time. I was too busy trying to get rid of the headache I tripped on something, and let me fall down straight in the hole. It was a deep fall. It felt like an hour or something dropping down there. I landed straight on my back. But it didn’t hurt at all; don’t ask me why cause Idon’tknow why.

I managed to stand straight and balance on my feet. I turned my head and saw the same Ashley I knew.

“There you are!” I said, and ran over to Ashley and gave her a big hug, and squeezed her tight.

“You found your way,” she sounded impressed or something. “Perhaps you’re wondering where you are?”

I stopped hugging Ashley. “Yeah…where are we?”

“I always had a question in my mind, you ever wondered what nowreally means?”


Now is what is happening this instant. Now is the feeling of this instant.”

Now, is the time when you feel is most important.”

Now is this moment, this time, this feeling, this place. We all have different now’s.” Ashley continued. “What is your now?”

But my now, was the feeling to have a friend like Ashley, it was a dream come true.