220 Dad Jokes

Dad jokes are cheesy and corny but let’s be honest, they can be really funny too. Sure, they’re not the kind of jokes you hear from comedians but they are the perfect way to cheer up your friends and family after having a bad day or can also break the ice when meeting new people.

Dad jokes are a great way to bond with family and friends so they must be shared more often. The next time you are in a group setting, start the fun with this compilation of dad jokes we prepared for you, laugh as loud as you can and cherish every moment with your loved ones.


Funny Dad Jokes


1. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.




3. What’s the difference between a tuna, a piano, and glue? You can tune a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna. What about the glue? I knew you’d get stuck on that.

4. Is there a hole in your shoe? No. Then how’d you get your foot in it?

5. When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.


6. Today, my son asked “Can I have a bookmark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.




8. Dad: I was just listening to the radio on my way into town, apparently, an actress just killed herself.

Mom: Oh my. Who?

Dad: Uh, I can’t remember. I think her name was Reese something?

Mom: Witherspoon?

Dad: No, it was with a knife.


9. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


10. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.


11. Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.




13. The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked. Now they have to yell “Donald, duck.”


14. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.


15. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.


16. What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.


17. My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me.




19. My wife tried to unlatch our daughter’s car seat with one hand and said, “How do one-armed mothers do it?” Without missing a beat I replied, “Single handedly.”


20. When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that’s a popular cemetery? Yep, people are just dying to get in there.


21. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.


22. Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm it would be justwater.


dad jokes




24. Mom: How do I look?

Dad: With your eyes.


25. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.

26. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “Grrrrrraaaaiiinnnnssss!”


27. Spring is here. I got so excited I wet my plants.






30. Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.


31. I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson. He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”


32. Kid: Dad, make me a sandwich.

Dad: Poof, you’re a sandwich.




34. What has two butts and kills people? An assassin.


35. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey.


36. What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.


37. When an ambulance zips past with its siren blaring: They won’t sell much ice cream driving that fast.


38. If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, he will be rolling in his grave.




40. What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.


41. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.


42. Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.


43. I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I’ve ever seen.


44. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.


45. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.


46. Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.


47. What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.






50. Me: I’ll call you later.

Dad: Don’t call me later, call me Dad.


dad joke


51. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant


52. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.


53. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.


54. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.


55. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.


56. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.


57. The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.


58. Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.


59. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.


60. Five out of four people admit that they’re bad with fractions.




62. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.


63. What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.


64. I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.


65. To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket. You can hide but you can’t run.


66. The rotation of earth really makes my day.


67. I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts


68. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.


69. I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot.




71. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.


72. A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.


73. I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.










funny dad jokes






80. I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.




82. I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.


83. I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there.


84. A steak pun is a rare medium well done.


85. How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise, they’d be uncles.


86. Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it.


87. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1.


88. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.




90. I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.


91. Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP.


92. What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great.






95. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice container?  It said concentrate.


96. If your nose runs and your feet smell, you’re built upside down.




98. How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.


99. What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.


100. What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.






103. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.




105. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs.” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms.”




107. What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.


108. What’s ET short for? Because he’s only got little legs.


109. Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.


110. What do you call a man with no nose and no body? Nobody nose.




112. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fshhhh.




114. My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.




funny dad joke


116. Without geometry life is pointless.


117. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”


118. I gave all my dead batteries away today. Free of charge.




120. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.


121. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.


122. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned.


123. I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.


124. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.




126. How much does a hipster weigh? An Instagram.


127. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.


128. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.


129. Breaking news. Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.


130. A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”


131. Me: Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places.

Doctor: Well don’t go to those places.


132. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.


133. Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.


134. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.


135. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.


136. Slept like a log last night woke up in the fireplace.


137. We were getting fast food when the lady at the window said, ‘Any condiments?’ My dad responded, ‘Compliments? You look very nice today!’




139. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down.




141. What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? A: catch up.


142. What’s 50 Cent’s name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars.


143. What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s popcorn?


144. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.


145. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.




147. What’s made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.


148. Our wedding was so beautiful. Even the cake was in tiers.


149. I hate jokes about German sausages. They’re the wurst.


150. Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends.


151. Q: Can February March?

A: No, but April May.


best dad jokes


152. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.


153. If prisoners could take their own mugshots what would they be called? Cellphies


154. I’ve just been diagnosed as color blind. I know, it really came out of the purple.


155, I advertised the following item on our local radio program: For sale: Small push-type lawnmower. Brand-new, $40. One person called and asked if the lawnmower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk.”




157. I’ve decided Hershey’s chocolate is too feminist for my taste.  I’m switching to HisHey’s


158. Idk why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk. He is essentially a giant banner.


159. I’ll never date another apostrophe. The last one was too possessive.


160. What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella? A cheesy pick up line.


161. I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.


162. It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.


163. What do you call a three-legged donkey? A wonkey.


164. What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador.


165. So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says “Give me some chap-sticks, and put it on my bill.”




167. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.




169. Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they’d be bay-gulls.


170. Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.




172. How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.


173. Where does Batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.




175. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.




177. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.


178. I knew I shouldn’t have ate that seafood. Because now I’m feeling a little Eel.


179. What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.


180. Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.




182. Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.


183. What kind of magic do cows believe in? Moodoo.


184. Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.


185. Me: Hold on, I have something in my shoe.

Friend: I’m pretty sure it’s a foot.


186. Me: Dad I’m hungry.

Dad: Hi hungry. I’m dad.


187. When phone ringing Dad says ‘If it’s for me don’t answer it.


188. I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’


189. Me: Where’s the bin?

Dad: I haven’t been anywhere.




great dad jokes


191. I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage. The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.


192. What do you call an alligator that works on Wall Street? An Invest-i-gator.


193. What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit? Floss Vegas.


194. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish.


195. You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there?






198. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.


199. So a vowel saves another vowel’s life. The other vowel says, “Aye E! I owe you.”


200. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.


201. I invented a new word today. Plagiarism.


202. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No it doesn’t.”






205. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.


206. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa.


207. I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.




209. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.

210. After dinner. my wife asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.


211. My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re his watch dogs.


212. I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.


213. Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.




215. A German man walks up to the immigration desk at Warsaw airport. The immigration officer asks: “Occupation?” The German replies: “No, just a holiday.”


216. A Briton walks up to the immigration counter at the Sydney Airport. The officer asks, “Do you have any felony convictions?” The Briton replies, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that was still a requirement.”


217. Two guys are in a boat with three cigarettes. They had no fire, so they threw one of the cigarettes overboard, and the entire boat became a cigarette lighter.


218. The creator of the knock knock joke should get a Nobel prize.


219. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time consuming.


220. Why don’t you ever want to run in front of a car? You’ll get tired. Why don’t you ever want to run behind a car? You’ll get exhausted.

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