A writer for the internet’s biggest Rochdale-based satire site, The Rochdale Herald, has spent the past 15 minutes trying to conjure up some sort of Muhammad joke in a bid to appease a bunch of angry ‘Christians’, according to reports.

Part-time satirist Charlie Stuart, who will spend this entire article talking about himself in the third person like a total weirdo, told the Herald that he had decided to attempt the joke in order to balance out the gag he made yesterday about Mary and Joseph appearing on the Jeremy Kyle show.

“Why is it whenever you make some sort of joke about Jesus or the Bible they always insist that you then write something silly about Muhammad?” he said.

“It’s never Guru Nanak or Moses or Buddha they want picked on, it’s Muhammad. Why just him? There are hundreds of religions out there, all equally as stupid as each other, so why is it always just Muslims they want to offend?

“Now I’m not necessarily saying that these people are bigots, and I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that they’re almost always ‘patriotic’ Leave voters who seem to conflate nationality with religious affiliation, but they could at least make the effort not to look like a bunch of petty Islamaphobes.”

Stuart explained that he had been tempted to do a bit of research on Islam to ensure that the jokes he crafted were informed, incisive and of the utmost quality, but then he realised that he really couldn’t be arsed because it was eating into his day off.

“Right, here goes: How many Muhammads does it take to change a light bulb? None, because the lightbulb wasn’t invented until 1200 years after his death!

“How about: Why does Muhammad always have mint sauce with his favourite type of meat? Because islam! Is lamb! Get it?!

“No, okay, how about this one: Knock, knock. Who’s there? Allah. Allah who? Allah hu akbar! 

“Tough crowd, try this: Where does Muhammad go to play bingo? Nowhere, because bingo is a form of gambling, which is prohibited in Islam!

“Right, last one: Why doesn’t Muhammad like bacon rolls? Because the fucker’s never had to deal with a hangover! 

“Actually, not sure about that last one. Felt a bit Jayda Fransen. And that’s something you never want to feel. Well, not without a thick pair of gloves and a shedload of disinfectant.”

Stuart denied that he avoided making fun of Muhammad because he was scared of Islamic fundamentalists, and said that he was more comfortable attracting the ire of Christian fundamentalists because he didn’t fit into their victim profile.

“As much as they are a bunch of evil bastards, Islamic extremists at least have the balls to kill you in person,” he said.

“Christian fundamentalists, in contrast, tend to get themselves elected into public office instead, where they can bring in laws that will kill people they don’t like without them ever having to miss their taxpayer-subsidised lunch.

“In short, I’m not scared of Christian fundamentalists because I’m not gay, female, pregnant, disabled, impoverished, mentally ill or a child.

“Now next time you want to whinge about something being ‘offensive’ to Christianity, please stop to ask yourself if you’ve ever voted for someone who’s supported legislation targeting the most vulnerable people in our society. And then never do it again.

“It’s what Jesus would have wanted.”