Daybreak Solves The Stadium Issue

From Daybreak 4

Daybreak! has been criticized by some for not taking practical stances on the burning issues of today, things that ‘the people’ really care about. So we’re throwing our powerful editorial weight behind the Minnesota stadium question. For those who don’t know, in the late 70’s the city of Minneapolis built the monstrosity known as the Metrodome for the Vikings, Gophers, and Twins to play in. It’s consistently ranked one of the worst stadiums in the country, making fans and owners believe this is why their teams are losing. Although the team owners want a new stadium, they don’t necessarily like the idea of spending billions of their own money to build it. So they’ve tried putting pressure on politicians and the public but, so far, people have been divided on all the proposed schemes (which all somehow require government removing money from our pockets). 

The solution for this complex problem is not to tear down the Metrodome and build yet another stadium in Minneapolis but to follow the example of the gentrifiers redoing warehouses and artists co-ops all over the Twin Cities—luxury lofts for yuppies! The benefits of this are manifold; there is nearby parking for thousands of Hummers (which also brings up the idea of housing yuppies in the parking ramps). The Metrodome trough bathrooms have a gritty urban aesthetic that appeals to the Young Professional. The Metrodome is “pre-packaged” with an inside lawn the size of a football field that will stay green forever—no need to mow that! In fact, downtown Minneapolis’ skyway tunnels could connect them to their office buildings, so Metrodome dwellers wouldn’t need to go outside at all. The stands currently selling popcorn or hotdogs in the stadium could be converted to Starbucks’ and “health food” restaurants, so nobody would have to go far to get their skinny cappuccino and “low or no carb” entrée. The luxury lofts at the Metrodome just might be the closest thing to paradise in the Twin Cities.

Since yuppies feel uncomfortable paying less than $5,000 a month for rent, we could make $300 million by filling “the Dome” to capacity. (We might want to buy another sports team or two. Maybe the Yankees.) Since the Twin Cities can’t hold any more stadiums, we could probably take over the Stillwater Penitentiary in the name of sports, freeing the prisoners, apologizing for their years of confinement, and convert the place into a stadium. Until then, the teams could probably just play in South Minneapolis’ Peavey Park. We’d pay them minimum wage (with the prospect of tips!).

Obviously these solutions will satisfy even the most persistent of critics of a new stadium. However, if, by some oddity, the owners are unhappy with our changes, we suggest that the teams exile them to the East Coast and declare themselves community owned like the Green Bay Packers.

This is only the first of our editorial solutions to complicated problems. Next time, watch for our argument that abortion is the only 100% effective form of birth control.