Seasons of Friendship / Business + How to Transition

A year ago I was planning my wedding. Spending time working on my business began to feel Difficult (with a capital D). I couldn't give my handmade jewelry business the love and attention I once had, despite that it was a big source of income for my man and me.

My business began to feel like a neglected friendship.

After a year of resenting and half-assing my time spent in my design studio, I changed my perspective. Slightly and suddenly. A light bulb came on. I looked at the brand and company (that I built) as if it were a close friend. Suddenly I could wrap my head around why I've been stand-offish to my "friend".

She (read: BAD BAD, my company) had become the super close sista friend. You know the kind. You still love her on a deep level, but things, well ...they just feel different.

Suddenly we can't relate. Where did sh*t go wrong?

Friendship: It always starts out fantastic, right? We meet at a great party, and in a whirlwind of conversation and mojito flavored jell-o shots, followed by a bad decision of the only thing left is this sweet Riesling so let's drink that to keep the buzz going 4am. We spend the whole night (and early morning) talking and laughing; barely catching our breath. We ignore everyone else  as we speak REALLY loudly at each other. Every Ellie-remix that plows through the speakers is like a trumpet call, and we stand up and dance until we're winded and dizzy. Our jam

The whole night we're falling in friendship-love. "Ohhhh my gawwwwd, we have so much in common!"  We love the same obscure band that few people on the face of this earth know about. We wear the same size clothing, barely graduated high school, and think chocolate chip mint ice cream is pretty much like eating tooth paste with chocolate chunks in it. No thanks.

It's as if at some unmarked time in the night, the clouds parted, light shone upon us, and we see ourselves in each other. She's my mirror. 

The unspoken idea of partying every weekend together, road tripping to music festivals, and spending endless summers being boy crazy together will be the

AND THEN, I find a boy, sober up, and blow out 30+ candles, and realize that I'm two denim washes away from wearing mom-jeans instead of high-wasted pants. I don't recognize her. She's dangerously beautiful, wild, and the life of the party. She's suddenly the chick that I can't keep up with. Her spirit animal is a leopard, with rabies, who hasn't eaten in 3 weeks (maybe on purpose). I'm a koala and I've somehow gained 15lbs from eating leaves (kale chips). 

She doesn't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Yet somehow people really like her. Annoying.

How do I not feel like a dud when standing next to her? How do I live up to those kind of standards! I can't. Even after an attempt, one Saturday evening, once I've stuffed my koala body into a tight black dress the girls-night-out "just like old times" it's PAINFUL. On two counts: physically of course, and emotionally because now I feel like a fraud.

I start to resent her. 

I want deeper conversations. She wants a 5th shot. I want to tap more into my feminine, graceful, intuitive side. She wants to see if she can get the number of the guy sitting at the bar.

How is it possible to go at full speed together like we once did? She, always being the power-babe, smashing weights and cardio at the gym, blowing situations off (as if she was the one that designed my "let that shit go" bracelet). Meanwhile, I'm feeling that some situations and issues need to be explored and not swept under the rug. Because, self-awareness.

Yet, I still adore her. I envy her at times. I can take a page from her book, but I just don't know which one. After some time apart, and infrequent contact, I can see she never WAS me or my mirror.

A part of me use to relate to her, her lifestyle, and 'tude.

I still do a bit. But my bold badass ways were quietly, unknowingly, pushed to the side as my insides of my inner most internals, e m e r g e d. I went from being princess to trying on Queen.

I AM QUEEN: still a badass, just more graceful. Still not giving fucks, but loving others more deeply than before. Wild, but aligned with Soul and Source.

The friendship never ended. It was our magically-merged lives, that led to the emerging of mine.

My company and the brand I built feels like her. She's ravenous, unstoppable, and unfuckable with -- because I made her to be that way. I've evolved, and she's evolving. And I'm falling in love with her again. I can now because I'm comfortable with who I am. I don't resent her, I adore her and all her beastly ways. I don't envy her, I'm proud of who she's become. I'll share my thoughts and heart with her (by adding new designs, new collections that aren't all about having a hard ass / bad ass mentality, instead they'll be about day-dreaming, mountain wandering, and inner beauty) and she'll transform into whoever she's meant to be, in this new season. 

You think that a company, in its early stages, would be guided much like an infant. Why am I saying she'll become who she will, when I'm in control of my business? You're right, but when the growth and success of a business morphs because of customer demand, things change.

The grip of Control is released. trust (and hope) rises.

I'm not a mother, but I'd imagine it's like sending your child off to kindergarten. She was once sheltered and nurtured by close friends and family. Then to suddenly be exposed to a group of other tiny-people, with different personalities and new ideas of the world. The child evolves.

So what do you do when a friendship fades? You let go of your grip.

You love her in the way you know how to. If even from a distance. 

When it's time, you'll look back at the events of the friendship that made you smile the biggest and the brightest. Resentment and sorrow of "I miss the old days" will vanish, and instead you'll cherish the moments that flood you with dopamine. You'll wish her well and send her love and light (as Elizabeth Gilbert would say). You know that the future holds something great.

For both of you.

Welcome to Queendom.