Boston Teens

01m: Jonny Moseley / Outkast

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Wylie……Jonny Moseley
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

[ open on Boston Teens Sully and Denise riding up a ski lift with stranger Wylie, as Tommy films them from the front ]

Sully: Hey, Tommy, is it on? Are you getting this? I want to make sure we document my worst vacation ever!!

Denise: [ angry ] Save it, Sully!

Sully: Here we are on our class ski trip to picturesque Mount Wachusett. To my far right is my girlfriend on nine years, Denise. We are currently not on speaking terms. Snuggly by my side instead, a stranger. What’s your name, Chief?

Wylie: My name’s Wylie. But people call me the Devestator!

Sully: Mmm, the Devestator. That would be a great name for Denise, because she has devestated my trip!!

Denise: I’m the Devestator?! You got a wicked lotta nerve! [ to Wylie ] I fell asleep on the bus ride up here. Sully took it upon himself to draw this Amish beard on my face, as a sign of his love and respect for me! [ lowers scarf to reveal the drawn beard ]

Wylie: [ laughing ] Dude, you look like Abraham Lincoln!

Sully: I thought you’d think it was funny!

Denise: It was a Sharpee! You are retahded!

Sully: You are!

[ silence ]

Sully: [ to Wylie ] So, uh.. how are the trails today?

Wylie: Aw, dude, it dumped huge last night! Eight inches of freshies! It’s a little scratchy on top, but the pow’s in the trees for sure. I caught big air!

Sully: Oh, yeah, you don’t say. Where you from there, Ranger Rick?

Wylie: I’m from Boulder, Colorado, bro. But I’ve been doing this thing where I wanna ride on every mountain in North America before I turn 19.

Sully: Yeah, me and Tommy have a similar goal, involving every flavor of Schnapp’s! Yea-ea-ea!

[ Sully and Tommy give the thumbs-up to one another ]

Denise: He’s been stuck on Peppermint for four years!

Sully: Oh, it speaks!

Denise: Hey, Destructo, you got a girlfriend?

Wylie: Well, I’m kinda seeing these four girls named Gretchen.

Denise: Oh, yeah? What’d you get Gretchen for her birthday.

Wylie: Um.. grapefruit bath beads from the Body Shop..

Denise: Cuz that one gave me a box of microwave popcorn and some AA batteries!

Sully: It was thoughtful! ‘Cuz you love popcorn and your Walkman’s always dying.

Denise: Meanwhile, for his birthday, I dropped $40 on a gift certificate from Structure!

Sully: Which I used to buy that green suit I wore to your mother’s wedding! [ to Wylie ] But, bro, answer me this: What’s the most important thing in a man’s life.

Wylie: Aw, I don’t know, man. Catching air, hitting a rail in a train park, no worries, rock and roll, ride ’til you die!

Sully: Dude, you gotta get your life together.

Denise: Yeah. You can’t make money doing extreme sports. You gotta have goals. Me, I’m certified in elder care.

Sully: I wanna be the next Baba Booey. But until then, I’m keeping my job telemarketing for Jevalia Coffee. Ain’t that right, Denise?

Denise: [ holds up her hand ] Talk to the mitten.

Sully: Denise, come on! Let’s focus on what really matters! I’m always there for you! When you got in a fight with that girl from Billerica, did I not immediately alert you that your obob had fallen out?!

Denise: I woulda figured it out eventually.

Wylie: Dude, can I just say one thing? Maybe it’s because all I’ve had to eat today is four sobis and a nutrition bar for women.. but I feel like I could cry right now. Because there’s only two things in life that are for sure; one is if you go up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start, you get unlimited men on Contra.

Denise: What’s the other thing?

Wylie: Oh, yeah. The other thing is.. love is the only natural high.

Sully: Hey, Denise. Look down there. [ points downward ]

Denise: What? [ looks below, eyes open wide ] Oh, my Gawd! You spelled out “Sully Loves Zazoo” in yellow snow! When did you do that?

Sully: When you were in the crapper trying to scrub that beard off.

Denise: Oh, my Gawd, it’s so romantic!

Sully: I will shout my love from the mountaintops, and forever squirt it into the snowy drifts. You’re my bearded Amish beauty!

Denise: You’re retahded!

Sully: You’re wicked retahded.

Denise: You’re so retahded, you should win an Oscar for your groundbreaking performance as a retahded person.

Sully: You should!

Denise: You should!

Sully: You are!

Denise: What?

[ they start to make out across a squirming Wylie ]

Wylie: Hey, guys! Guys! I gotta lift the bar, come on! Hey, come on! [ he lifts the bar as they separate ] And remember: when you’re getting off, keep your pole in the air!

Sully: Tommy, please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy shakes camera yes, as Wylie steps off and skis down the mountain ] [ Sully and Denise start to make out again, as Frank casually enters scene wearing face mask ]

Frank: Denise! You got any more of those pina coladas you gave me?

Denise: Frank, what are you talking about?

Frank: Genius move hiding it in the sunscreen bottle!

Denise: Frank, that was sunscreen!

Frank: Oh, well.. at least my poop will smell like the beach!

Sully: Please tell me you did not get that on tape.

[ Tommy shakes camera no, as the scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King


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