Dear Balding Men,

I’m not sure why you’ve decided to lift up your bangs and show me your widow’s peak so recently after we’ve met. You tell me you’re balding too, as if answering a question. Thanks for the information. I imagine this is something like the inverse of when I had long hair in college and older dudes would tell me they used to have long hair too, letting me know that if they didn’t get drug-tested for work they would totally spark a joint with me right now, man. But those guys were just looking back, remembering days that were good and ol’. No harm there.

Balding men, what you’re doing is something different, and you should probably just stop right now.

Are you trying to empathize with me? I’d rather you not. Yes, I’d prefer to have hair, just like an amputee probably wants his leg back, but having a chrome dome really isn’t a problem. Just look at Jason Statham. Just look at his girlfriend. Being bald isn’t something that requires empathy, and even if it were, you wouldn’t tell the amputee that sometimes when you sit on your leg for too long you have trouble walking for two minutes, now would you?

But I don’t think you’re lifting up those bangs on my behalf. There’s a reason you waited for us to be out of earshot of the others. You wake up every morning with more and more hair on your pillow. The pills aren’t working. Neither is the cream. Now you want me to tell you it’s OK, that it gets better. I didn’t ask to be your bald bodhisattva, but fine, here are some wizened words.

You’re going to wait far too long to shave your hair short, if not altogether off. You’re going to spend far too long in front of the mirror each morning, trying to make it work. I wish you wouldn’t, but you will. You have to let it go. You have to shave it short. Once you switch to clippers, everyone can finally refer to you as the bald guy and not worry about being rude: “Which one is my husband? Why, he’s the bald guy over there.” You’ve chosen bald. You had no choice really, but you made the choice, and that means everything.

Just think of all the money you’ll save on shampoo. Because that’s something everyone wonders: Do bald men use shampoo? The answer is yes, we generally do, so long as we have a little hair anywhere up top. We like to feel soft and fragrant too.

Are there women and men who won’t date you because you’re bald? Of course. There are also women and men who won’t date you because you’re tall, or straightedge, or Canadian, or Methodist, or not their spouse. There are billions of horny people in this world. You’ll still do all right.

So put down those thin bangs. I might’ve already noticed you were losing your hair. Whatever. Bald men usually don’t talk to each other about what was once there. But I’d be lying if I said we don’t size each other up when we first meet. There’s only so much sunscreen to go around.

The Bald Guy Over There