Monday, May 19, 2014

What is Boo Cake?

Lately I have had this realization.  I am getting old.  When my mom told me that I was too old to be a young-parent I was okay with it.  When I went to Macy's and was offered eye cream in the furniture department, I took it with a grain of salt.  When a 20-year old asked me what a "scrambled channel" was,  I officially realized that I, like the elastic on Mariah Carey's clothing officially am old.  I asked the kid if he knew the pain, excitement and exhilaration of trying to watch scrambled-soft-core porn.  He never knew the thrill of arguing with a buddy if that was a boob or mole.  He looked at me like I was speaking alien.  I explained how we as children in the cable-age became masters of our domains (when our parents weren't looking).  It became a talent to switch channels fast and slow enough to see a remnant of a scrambled tit just because we could.  We ALL did it.  At least those of use without that relative who had that illegal cable box.  The trick was to not get caught.  This was a primitive time right before the Internet became our peep-hole into the universe.

Like many others.  We didn't really buy CDs.  We just joined music clubs just to get get the free-CDs.  We had pagers to show others we had friends.  Once the Internet came out we bought increments of Internet time.  It was weird.  Each Internet company would try to sell you their Internet connection by giving you CDs with 10-100 free hours at a time for an introductory thing.  Once you were done with one, you would cancel membership and switch to another company for more free hours.  After a year or so of bouncing between free Internet deals we had America Online.  We had never used AOL before.  I had never seen Internet porn before then.  Boys will be boys and I met Internet porn.  Like most boys of that time we innately learned how to clean our browser history.  This was before we knew how the world worked.  This was before we knew what cookies were and AOL would send you commercial emails from sites you had visited.

Weeks went by since meeting my good friend Internet porn.  My mother and I went to dinner.  Between the burger and the shake my mom asked, "What is boo cake and can I eat it?" The world was never the same.

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