Friday, September 23, 2016

Grabbing Time

It's been a crazy back to school season. It's been all about transitions. 

Transitioning back into school, back into routines, and crazy busy schedules and homework and practices and ahhhhhhh. I hate transitions and being busy. I mean seriously, I hate it. My peri-menopausal hormone-induced heightened anxiety that I've been experiencing of late has made it all a million times worse.

So, this past week I took a little bit of control back and found time and hope and felt so much better.
Here's what I did:

I didn't wait for the right time. The only night we all were together for a family dinner was Monday night. So, I lit candles and put on some music and set the table for the fam. I made a normal night something special because it felt good and it didn't matter that it was a dumb Monday night.

I skipped curriculum night at all my kids' schools. Instead, one night we went on a family walk instead with the dogs; on another night, I watched Peyton's football game instead of missing the end and rushing to the elementary school. After I got over the initial feeling of guilt and like I was failing because I wasn't going to everything, everywhere, it felt nice. And relaxing.

I ran while the lasagna cooked. I found out last week that not running or exercising led to so much more anxiety. So, I snuck in a run when I could. One night it was while the lasagna was in the oven. I ran four very slow miles but I felt happier and more in control, and less guilt when I ate a lot of lasagna.

I watched TV with Tim. When Tim and I are out of sync the family feels out of sync. So, we made time for each other. Sure it was just hanging out watching TV, but it was really good TV and we were together in the same room (that's rare!). We watched the new show This Is Us and LOVED it. We also started watching Homeland...intense. It's nothing expensive and fancy, but it's also better than nothing and not talking.

(I so needed a show like this on TV. It's good.)

I left the game. At first this was a very low moment for me, but it turned out to be a good lesson. I had a mild panic attack at JT's football game. Instead of forcing myself to stay and fight through my anxiety and potentially have a bigger panic attack, I left. I was embarrassed and sort of full of shame as I was leaving and even later that night. But then I realized it was the best thing I could do for myself at that moment and taking care of myself was/is important. JT came home and excitedly told me all about his game. My mom friends in the stands texted to see if I was okay and gave me so much love and support. Just like an athlete who is cramping or playing injured, sometimes you have to take yourself out of the game to stay healthy. (We are big on sports analogies here at our house, so this one felt right on.)

When I was a teenager my dad used to say "it's not about not having time, it's about not making time." Oh my god, I hated that so much. But last week, I made some time. Instead of running around and doing all the things and resenting all the things and losing myself to all the things, I said no to some of the things. I made and found some time and it helped so much with everything. It probably won't be possible to skip all the meetings and I hope I stay for all the rest of the games, but when I can find time for a dinner on the porch or a walk through the woods with the kids and the dogs, I'm going to grab it because my god it feels good.


  1. Thank you for this, I think there are probably more people than you know who needed to read it. Myself included.

  2. I'm glad <3 I am so guilty of squeezing in all the things until I crack, and this was a lovely glimpse into what it could be like to give myself a little bit of grace now and then.

  3. This is why I almost always take the majority of Fridays off to do something for myself. I have to have one day where I feel like I'm not going going going or sitting at my computer all day. I realize it is a total privilege to do that, and doing so means I almost always have to work for an hour or so on Sunday evening, but it's what keeps me sane.