The Slightly Disgruntled Scientist

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Australian Citizenship Test v2.0

In contrast to the usual coherent and rational political debate that forms the meaty substance of this country’s media reporting, we are occasionally served the starchy, rehashed sidedish of xenophobic controversy. This time around, we are (apparently) interested in adding a new condition — a test, in fact — to applying for citizenship.

No, not a nominal and ineffective ploy to garner votes from a population whose chances at such a test would be dubious at best — we’re above that. The test will look at Australian values. At morality. At political ideals. Where traditional entry requirements just examine the mind and body of a potential citizen, this test will examine their heart. And possibly wallet. But mainly heart.

Now, at first I was skeptical. Yes, me. Cynical, even. I just didn’t see the value in what I thought was just a spurious exercise in off-season political campaigning. I failed to see the logic in attempting to combat issues that arise long after the application for and approval of citizenship by making said application slightly longer. But then I realised that, instead of whingeing and bitterness, this country would benefit far more from my involvement than my detraction.

So I decided to write my own test. I carefully chose questions that would test for and reflect our own values and national character, while maintaining a sensible degree of objectivity. I think that I have successfully formed a test that will evaluate the person while minimising bias.

So please, read my test — my contribution to how our population and even culture will be influenced by newcomers to this country of ours — and tell me what you think.

The Australian Citizenship Test (v2.0)

Please answer all of the following questions to the best of your knowledge, ability and financial situation.

Personal Details


Country of origin:

Real country of origin, not the one you moved to for two months before applying because it was politically favourable:


(‘Yes’ or ‘no’ will suffice.)

[ ] Tick here if you are a terrorist
(This is for the purposes of statistics and will not affect your application.)

Section One: Social Values and Political Principles

  1. Tick any of the following terms you find offensive:

    1. Towelhead

    2. Wog

    3. Economy

    4. Tasmanian

  2. Which one of the following problems does alcohol induced violence not solve:

    1. Minor disagreements

    2. Domestic abuse

    3. Basic arithmetic

    4. Criminal sentencing

  3. In forty words or less, prove that you are not Lebanese.





Section Two: Language Competency

  1. Complete the following sentence:

    The war in Iraq was motivated by legitimate suspicion of possession of weapons of mass destr              .

  2. The word ‘secular’ means:

    1. Outdated, outmoded or obsolete

    2. Blasphemous or deliberately offensive

    3. Unable to compete despite apparent advantages

    4. Sexually dysfunctional and unattractive

    (Tick one.)

  3. Translate the following Nyoongah expression:

    Allewah boolyaduk, baal nooniny barminy.

    1. I have access to all the educational resources I need!

    2. Why yes, I'd be much happier in the hands of a stranger chosen by bureaucrats than with my actual parents!

    3. Voting can be quite tough when there are so many representatives you identify with.

    4. We should have made the Dutch more welcome.

Section Three: Skills, Education and Training

Please list any qualifications you have obtained, in order of monetary value:



Indicate the minimum hourly wage for which you would work:

(This question legally binding.)

End of Test

Please sign and date your test, and ensure all additional papers are securely attached. When stapling cash, ensure that you do not obscure the serial numbers on the notes. Thank you for your cooperation.


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