A prayer to god, who was once a teenager

Five years of India Today Woman has meant great cover girls, heart warming stories, and inspirational tales.

Amy Chua tells you how to be a tiger mother and push your children so they realise their true potential, become world class violinists and Maths Olympiad finalists. She believes we should ask more of our children than we usually do and they will surprise us.

Pamela Druckerman wonders how French women get away by being seemingly cruel to their bebes who still adore their maman-the secret in case you haven't read this wonderful book is teaching them the art of waiting.

Lionel Shriver's scary We Need to Talk About Kevin tells you no matter how much you adore your child, it will eventually turn into a teenager and hate you, sometimes to death-just be grateful it doesn't engineer a school massacre.

Now I am told on reasonable authority that the all teenagers between 14 and 18 are like cats. You can't stroke them, care for them, or groom them. You can just put out milk for them in a saucer and hope they won't scratch your eyes out while they drink copious amounts of it. Forgive me for not being Nirupa Roy and even she had her I-hate-you-because-you're-socorrupt moment with Amitabh Bachchan (yes the Amitabh Bachchan, that too in Deewar) but what's a parent to do?

Notice, I say the gender neutral parent and not mother, because it is only when your child hits his hormonally-charged, brain-addled teenage years do you realize the true value of your husband.

Make no mistake, they are wonderful creatures, eternally cheerful, always optimistic, and forever preoccupied with something or the other, but it is only when your child becomes a teenager do you realize why your husband exists. To handle the stranger who was formerly the boy you gave birth to.

So as the forever struggling mother of two boys, one of whom is 14 and the other soon to be 10, I'd like to give you my anti-list. Of things to expect when you're not parenting:

1. There is no such thing as a tiger mom. If she is, she is extremely fortunate and is probably lunching right now at La Petite Maison with her perfect Birkin bag on the chair next to her, drinking her perfect Perrier and digging daintily into her perfect summer salad. Good for her, but in my experience no matter how many riding lessons and yoga classes you enroll your children in, tiger cubs have a habit of biting you where it hurts most. Yes, the part currently seated at the laptop where you're banging out this angst ridden piece.

2. There is no free lunch is a proverb that works better for the child than the parent. Being a teenager means everything has to be negotiated, from a bath in morning to homework at an appropriate time. Every activity comes with a rider: what's in it for me? Err, cleanliness? A good education? Nah.

3. Teenagers have short attention spans but unfortunately very long memories. They remember everything, including what you inadvertently said to them when they were four. However, they have no short term memory, which explains the reason why simple instructions have to be repeated at five minute intervals at escalating volume. Especially if they involve meal times, bath times and study times.

4. You can never be too rich or too thin-no that wasn't said by a Cosmopolitan editor or an earlier version of Carrie Bradshaw, but by some teenager similar to yours. Overweight parents might as well stay at home and get fatter. There's no hope for you. Teenagers will never want to be seen in public with you.

5. Divide your day, like Will Lightman in Nick Hornby's About a Boy, into half-hour modules. Nothing they say 30 minutes ago is possibly applicable now. Things change, rapidly. So never plan anything in advance. Don't buy movie tickets, book lunches, hair appointments or plan even weekend visits. What is said at 9.30 a.m. can change by 10 a.m. Suffer, preferably in silence. Raised voices meet even more raised voices in turn.

6. Never tell them they're good at a particular thing, The minute you do, they will stop. It could be painting, swimming, or riding, If you praise it, you hex it.

7. In the list of things to do daily, always define physical activity clearly. It is not to be confused with sitting on the bed, with all fingers on the PS3 console, playing FIFA 12 and pretending to be Barcelona. The team, not the city.

8. Be optimistic. Things are never as bad as they seem. Remember, they actually can get worse.

9. Pay close attention to your younger child. Remember he too will grow up to be a teenager soon. Be better prepared.

10. Hug them when they're not looking, teach them when they don't realise it, feed them, educate them, and certainly clothe them, even if they're ghastly rude T-shirts from strange punk-like labels. But remember never give up. And never stop praying. There is a God. And perhaps he too was once a teenager.

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