Tuesday, May 31, 2005

18 days: What would Wally say?

Damn sian lah. I forgot to apply for general electives.


Monday, May 30, 2005

18.5 days: I should make like a tree and leave (office)

First things first: how's-the-curry PH, i'm dying to read your PI report man. It's slowly becoming (in)famous!

Second thing second: Alvin the J**** Chua, I don't cuss, i express. I am an expressive person on print.

Six-pack no problem, but I was kinda saving up the soul bit for any encounter with the Devil. It seems more valuable in that situation.

In fact, I almost sold it off this morning because I was SURE that STARS was the Devil's operating system.... but *phew* good 'ol Joce save me from eternal damnation in time.

But I WILL tell chicks you're chasing what a dreamboat you are and how she better grab her chance at you while she can. Offer's good for next 5 girls in your life. I will be persuasive! Will do for guys too, if you so decide to swing the other way.

And thirdly third:

I would really like a hot bowl of mee hoon kway with tons of red chilli padi and a glass of iced lemon tea.

Fuck.. i'm really good at making myself feel hungry.

(Lars, because I don't wanna be ethnocentric, STARS is an acronym for the system that my enlightened school has chose to use to let us register for subjects.)

19 days: That dirty word.

Things I realised before 9 am today:

1. Waking up early to register for subjects make you hate STARS more.

2. Even though you wake up early, the connections is so slow you get someone in Singapore who ALREADY finished registering to do it for you.

3. Even though you wake up early, you can't get all you want. Didn't manage to register for APJ.

4. Scratch the above. I NEVER get what I want even when I apply from Singapore.

5. I'm so terribly glad that even though I'm in my final year of study, not once did STARS ever work in my favour.

6. Getting up early for NTU-related things really SUCK

7. Bangladesh TV shows Whose Line Is It Anyway at 8-fucking-30am.

Being used to having tea/coffee and toast for the past six months really screwed up my eating system. Erm ok.. so maybe it set it right, it was screwed up before... but either way, I really do not operate very well anymore without a hot drink and food in my tummy. I'm terrified of what will happen when school starts... will I have the discipline to wake up early to have breakfast before class?

Or better yet... will I finally start making it to class on time??


Regarding the subject of this blog... I'm very uncomfortable with the word "journalism".

Not with what it means, of course, because that's something I still believe in but with what has happened to its name.

I really have a lot more to say, but I have to go do some work urgently.

But yes, Journalism has become a dirty word.

Alvin: Some response from your cynical side please.

Sunday, May 29, 2005

20 days: The Day After the Massacre (of fleas)


Relativity my dear friends... relativity.

Let's play the word association game:












Erm yes ok, one thing, for my flight home.



Saturday, May 28, 2005

When I have PMS, little things set me off, but little things calm me down too. And make me happy.

Via SMS:

"Go do some shopping for yourself also lah"

"no la... go with you when you get back."


21 days: The good start to a bad week.


Oh yes, and throw in PMS as well.











Monday, May 23, 2005

26 days: A Smug Jess Talks Briefly on Rural Bangladesh

The smug part will be explained later, if I still feel like typing.

But yes, Gazidpur is not so rural as to not have electricity - but there were spiders a bit too large for my liking. Think kampong. As in, seriously kampong.

This place was a tad bit different from my past visits to Kushtia and Chittagong, because we were staying in a farming, agricultural area surrounded by padi fields and what not.

I like. I like having to side step chicks on the way to the main market, and spotting huge eagle/falcons flying low over the canal. I like being able not to see any concrete buildings with my 270 degrees vision, and having to gingerly place my steps hoping the moon would come out from behind the clouds soon.

I'm not sure how long I would like it, given the obvious inconveniences. But I would like to try it and see. Ocassionaly laspes in power, no public transport out after it's dark, nothing much to do in terms of external entertainment at night...

But.. standing on the roof of Peter's place and scanning the area, there's too much peace and serenity to even start considering discomfort.

But yes, I've nothing else much to say, because I think i'm running out of cliches to describe these scences.

But well, my favourite part was when we laid out a mat in the middle of the courtyard with hard packed sand/soil beneath us, and had tea and biscuits while watching 11-month-old Erica. The wind blowing lightly around us, just a little bit of sun, the dogs and its puppies running around looking at the chicks following their mom.... If this is what my parents had when they grew up, I wish I were them. Fuck modernity and its complications.


And yes, I'm smug because i think i've resolved the situation that pissed me off in the last entry by doing what my country has taught me to do.

COMPLAIN lor. Go to the airthority and fight for your rights!

Someday I will put a long post about this whole thing, but it's exhausting me mentally.

Pictures should appear somewhat soon.

And the number 26 is scary.

Saturday, May 21, 2005

28 days: (was) Pissed off.

Initially wrote a big long post about why I'm pissed off and how pissed off I was.

But as luck (fate/chance) would have it, i lost the entire post in a stroke of technologically-induced bad luck.

So i took it as a sign that it meant that i should stop griping and complaining behind their back, and do it in front of them instead.

But the only question is, how do I go about this task, which makes me feel ridiculous and stupid?

I guess it wouldn't hurt to say that it involves telling full-grown adults about how unpleasant their living habits were.

There's only one thing to do in this circumstances, only one thing that has proven to work in the past, only one thing that i know will get me out of this problem.

Call my mother and ask her what to do.


In happier news, Gwen and I cooked up a decidedly Singaporean storm yesterday, a meal of black pepper beef, seaweed tofu soup and fried prawn fritters.

Of course, a lot of ready-made packaging was involved, but no matter.

I am glad to say that dinner was a success, and would've been at least a pleasant success to savour if not for the little fact that it was precisely at the point of the night when I started to get really pissed off.


Will be leaving tonight for a visit to dear 'ol Peter's village outside of the city. He owns rice fields - it will be a nice trip, I'm sure.

Plus a 11-month-old granddaughter. Always a pleasure to see.

28 days: (was) Pissed off.







Call my mother and ask her what to do.








Friday, May 20, 2005

30 days: Hitting close to home.

Had an unbelievable night of sluggishness when i watched three movies in a row. HELL it's my off-day. Woke up at 1230 with a headache but who cares.

I watched:
Blade Trinity
Hotel Rwanda

Don't make me have to say which one was the best. Although the first movie did reinforce my belief that Garner is the sexiest woman ever. DID YOU SEE THOSE BICEPS. My mom and I have a shared fascination with her.

Anyhow, was reading my solo regular source of info during lunch, chicken porraige Maggi style no less, when something in there hit a little too close to home.

So I've reprinted sections here but changing the name of the country to a fictional land called Merlion City. All other names are faked too.

"Elections in Merlion city may be largely fake, but they do speed the pulse of its sluggish politics."

"During the campaign, it also tends to squash any serious challengers to the ruling 'People's Onward Offensive Party', often by packing them in jail."

"Yet things are not working out quite as they usually have during Mr Murthabak's 24-year tenure. When earlier this year, an ambitious and critical politician, Joyousraman, was arrest on flimsy charges, western governments kicked up such a fuss that he was released."

"An exaggeration perhaps, but the law obliges prospective candidates to be endorsed by 250 'elected' officials. Conveniently, the POOP controls the institutions to which they were elected, wtih 90% of seats in both houses of parliment, and a handy 98.5% of seats on provincial councils. The draft also requires parties to be at least 5 years old to put forward candidates, thus barring Mr Nua, whose Today Party was only licensed in November."

"The middle class remains largely passive. Rich Merlioners are benefiting from better economic prospects..."

Only this last part does not fit.

"But other cracks have appeared inside the state itself. In an unprecedented move, the union that represents the country's 9,000 overworekd, underpaid judges has threatened to boycott the election, unless judges are allowed to supervise it and also granted legal protection against ministerial meddling in their courtrooms."

The country, is actually Egypt. But the similarities were there.. a sort of crude and more undeveloped form of politics which we're more familiar with. Which just goes to show me how much more sophisticated our... system is. And why there's such a fine line to tread to make sure of no occurance of any situations similar to that mentioned in the last paragraph. Boy... are we smart.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

32 days: Bumper Stickers and Nuclear Questions

After an entire afternoon of fruitless brainstorming with me, Mangomaiden (inspired!) has decided to set up a blog so that we can ask other pple to help us.

Singapore Bumper Stickers seeks to collect a wide variety of "bumper" worthy catch phrases and quotes.

I mean, as a country we're already a bit of a joke so there's a never-ending source of inspiration.

And there are always those snippets of gold nuggets that we hear all over the place that never gets recorded.

So, please! I already made one.. i need more fodder for nothing-to-do-when-power-goes-off-and-internet-is-down afternoons.


Erm ok. Change topic. Can someone tell me where Iran gets the equipment for its nuclear plants? Like the centrifugal machines and all that. Do they manufacture it themselves? Or they import?

Cos isn't an easier way of stopping their nuclear activities just to stop them getting the equipment rather than do the bad-ass sanctions again? I'm assuming here that they import these things - didn't read article properly, but Pakistan's name thrown inside somewhere.

Thoroughly confused.


And HOORAY! Mr Brown's Singapore National Education Part 107 is out!

Am tired of reading and re-reading old issues. =(


And a little Norwegian perspective on our recent ban (and my recent angst) of the US activist revealed, surprise surprise.. nothing new. Well, apparently there is something wrong with my head, and my friends' head, cos how come we study in singapore so long we think the same way as someone who grew up in Norway? Land of free education and press.


" It seems to me that you cannot claim what the Singapor government claim and still expect to be taken seriously when you say that the people is "free".

Like this statement, coming from the government. Describing the activities of the guy being kicked out.

"so as to liberate and expand civil rights of Singaporeans who, he deludes himself to believe, are living under dire oppression and injustice."

(hella! you picked out the quote everyonen picked out. who writes those press releases anyway.)

The government may very well claim that it is not any particular foreigners business to assert civil rights in Singapore. (Although the rest of the world rarely makes this point any more, infact oppositely. Countries are being invaded by the opposite rationale. "Your civil rights is OUR business")

Aaaanyway... What is a contradiction in terms though is when the government decides for the people what the people are "deluded" to believe or not. If the people are deluded in their beliefs, wouldn't they also be deluded to believe their government? Peoples opinions cannot be deluded in a democracy.

It's the cornerstone of democracy not to second guess what people want. They want what they want. If they wanted this guys opinions, thepossible delusions of them is no matter.

I mean, he is not even representing another state. He is a private person. Wow, what a threat? What the hell are they scared of anyway? I mean the government.

(I really donch know leh. I figure the major thing keeping it together is the lack of organised civil disobedience, so anything that will teach us be more organised will be flung out (of airport). )

Well, I'm not lecturing you on your own country. It's just an interesting statement."

(See he already knows how to cover his ass).

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

33 days: Here we go again.

In a neverending barrage of examples of why foreigners think Singapore is a joke, Joce forwarded me a couple of articles that was (most aptly) titled "Who's the fucker now?"

Not to insinuate that the government is a "fucker", or was, or ever will be. No, there are better words for that. You call someone a fucker when they do stuff like screwing you over in a project, or breaking a promise to keep a secret... No.. this conjures up Orwellian images, mix in the scientists in their labcoats in 12 Monkeys sitting at the top of the tower in Blade Runner with a looming Lord Voldemort that's so powerful that no one dares talk about him.

It's the same old fucking shit, repackaged in a million shiny ways. (ooh look at the angst)

Singabloodypore has already picked it up in it's May 16, Monday's post, as have countless other websites around the world (presumably).

Straits Times also has a version, which I was surprised to find, thanks to AsiaOne. Interestingly, both Reuters and ST referred to him as a "foreign activist", and AFP and AFX called him a "US democracy activist".

Basically the same, although ST's version is shorter, with less input and direct quotes from Chee Soon Juan (just one reference actually) and without the standard background info.

Also no mention of last month's ban on the speaker from Amnesty, although it is a valid similar subject and recent enough to warrant mention. HELL. When they do a report on Chee Soon Juan, they dig up all his past (mis)deeds.

This is the Reuters version. The irony of the source is not lost on me, btw.

The pissifying excerpt:

Singapore bars entry to foreign activist

"This (workshop) was aimed to teach Singaporeans how
to wage a non-violent campaign of civil disobedience
against the government so as to liberate and expand
civil rights of Singaporean citizens who, he deludes
himself to believe, are living under dire oppression
and injustice
," the ministry said.

It added that foreigners with no stake in the future
of Singapore and of Singaporeans will not be allowed
to interfere in Singapore's domestic politics.

The 15-year-old dulan side of me want to retort "WAH ok foreigners cannot interfere cos no stake in future that means locals can lah! And since you obviously don't like non-violent campaign, you want violent one issit???"

And the peaceful press release correct answer to that of course, is that

1. Locals can only interfere as part of a official political party.
2. Any forms of civil disobedience, violent or non-violent, is not allowed.

I would say that this would start a slippery slope to Orwellian hell, but I think we're already halfway through that.

Lesson learnt : External/foreign political influences are not welcomed. PR people also not safe, remember Capt Ryan?

If the gahment got balls, or any form of consistency, we should expect:

1. No more reading material in political science classes in NTU or NUS from foreign writers. I mean, the sacrilege, last year I read Martin Luther King's take on civil disobedience!

2. Hell, why not just shut down all political science classes. Since I assume they're partly taught by foreign lecturers anyway, and god knows what kind of thoughts they're injecting into our heads. And well, the reading notes on Marxism and democracy are definately NOT locallly made.

3. All reports by Amnesty, Reporters sans Borders, HRW should be banned. Because if we locals read them, we might be politically influenced.

4. All foreign writers in Straits Times political desk should be fired immediately.

5. All PSC scholars will now be educated in local universities, because after spending four years overseas, they may return with foreign political influences, and god forbid they spread that influence while working in government offices.

Ok ok.. getting a little carried away.

It's so tiring you know, getting these reports one after another. It's so bloody shameful. All that talk about taking a stake in our future, loving our country, is becoming more difficult to do as it becomes apparent that Singapore comes inclusive of its government - and that's a fringe benefit no one wants.

As far as i'm concerned, the government should be bloody grateful that people are getting angry about it, because it just means we still can be bothered about it. Of course, the older wiser ones would tell us that there really isn't any point, because it's not going to change anything, and it'll wear you out till you become apathetic, or at least deliberately apathetic.

But that's another story for a later time. Right now, this is how we feel, and as Joce says, "Just when i believe i've gone past feeling for anything like it, something comes along to kick me in the shins again." Somewhat like a cattle prod, eh?

Or as D said, "This just means they're scared."


Watched my first episode of Jerry Springer on cable during dinner last night. "Marraige - The Hillbilly Way". Very AI's Flesh Fair.

So, in a single breathe, here's the summary of one story: Guy has relationship with two women, both don't know about the other woman, he's got a kid with Darlene, and Diane bought him a new car, he stays with Diane and her husband, he's got four other kids in four states over the country.

Interesting. When they brought Darlene out, she screamed "You're sleeping with that nasty whore???" And Diane, who was there already, retored calmly, "I'm not a whore. You're a nasty whore, look at you."

Other highlights include the crowd shouting repeatedly at another woman "You're a whore, you're a whore..", nicknamed Hurricane Whore (seriously), and one girl in the crowd flashing her boobs to the camera.

And they say there's nothing on TV anymore.


I've really got to stop stealing links from Tym. I'm sorry lah, but you're a teacher after all.

But well. John Scalzi'sWhat My Jesus Would Do.

What would be a good quote to use in a bumper sticker for Singapore? When the power goes in my workplace, i've free time on my hands to do nonsense =)


Monday, May 16, 2005

34 days: Things I like.







Ah.. Studio Ghibli. I like.











Sunday, May 15, 2005

35 days: My Achilles heel. Preferably in black/tan.

Bring her boots of leather
And she will dance for him
Shyly from a feather fan
She�'ll glance for him
Here he comes after midnight
To find her again
He will come a few times more
Till he finds a lady statue
Standing in a door
In her door
- The Luverly Ms. Mitchell

Every so often I get hit by an obsession that's (surprise surprise) non-food related. As far as i'm concerned, the only money stuff worth splurging on is those stuff which will end up in my stomach. It's probably some subconscious cognitive programming picked up from my mother.. who always told me never to feel guilty over spending cash on food.

But well, I would eat these if i could.

Ok so these aren't exactly the nicest pair, but still. I don't know why, but i've been fantasising about slipping on a pair and zipping it up since the year before. I really hope I find a cheaper pair here before I go back, because I just know i will end up spending whatever it takes to get my hands on those. Being here, and wearing manly leather sandals and cheapo flipflops, althought comfortable and contributes to my hobo-istic tendancies, hasn't helped the obsession either.

Trying to recall when was the last time I had a non-food related obsession... erm.... well I can't.. does DVDs count? The most expensive piece of clothing I last purchased was Esprit pants I think - on sale lah. But I DO remember sinfully splurging on lunch just two days ago.. meet my friend Chicken Maryland, chicken breast stuffed with boiled eggs, served with side of pan fried banans, corn, fries and vegetables.

Mmmmmm. FUCK. Imagine eating THAT while wearing my boots. FUCK!

Anyhow, will stop thinking about food and boots. And Alvin, just so in case you get riled up/worked up it's not THAT KIND of fetish. I'll buy you your own pair, complete with whip, since you're 26% gay.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

Why do people chatter about so? Trying my very best to feign interest in a colleague's explanation of the three types of inter-computer connection which is very strange because I never did quite ask him about it, nor had he even asked if I would like to know more about it. Nor are we close enough for him to do that "I don't care you must listen!!!" routine.

And I feel like an evil bitch for doing so because I know he's just trying to be friendly but I get more and more thrown off by the varying standards of what is culturally acceptable. i'm sorrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Will be dashing off soon to go for class, yes me back in the classroom because I signed up for some photography thing just to get the theory to fill in the blanks. And I feel like a bit of a pai kia in class because I'm back to my sloppy ways of sitting cross legged, or slumped back in chair, or doodling and drawing and trying to see how many words I can get out of Abercrombie and Finch.

And oh dear oh dear oh dear he's started to play music on his Mac over my soft one and it's the feel-good song that reminds me of some duet but I can't recall the title... oh no no no no no no "i'm so lost without you, lonely in the night, when i'm not with you." *yelps in pain* Tried to increase my volumn slightly just so I won't have to hear it so clearly but radiohead's on the playlist and they're to softly depressing and he keeps increasing his volumn i give up i surrender you win!

this would be an excellent time to leave.

36 days

And so the work week begins.. I'm still not used to only have one off day per week. It's INSANE. Bad for workplace morals. It's such a depressing thing to hear on Thursday after work : "Ok, see you guys saturday!"

Anyway, my mom sent over the family tree list, kinda starting listing it out because my great-grandma's 92nd birthday's coming up.

Lau Ma

So, for the record:

First Generation: 5 kids of her own
Second Generation: 27 grandchildren (23 of which are married, including my mom!)
Third Generation: 36 great-grandchildren (including me, the oldest)

Grandtotal of: SIXTY-EIGHT, 6-FUCKING-8, human beings with her blood running through our veins. Mine's horribly diluted, but still.

If you want to include all the husbands/wives, that would make her official-by-law family size a whopping: 96 people. (Including one who passed away).

And all from one woman. You REALLY gotta hand it to her. Chinese New Year is one helluva mess, i can tell you that. Why on earth is my family like some kinda baby-making factory?

She's a real gem. Vegetarian, pint-sized fighter who does her own laundry. Almost deaf, and used to be blind before my mom sent her for a cataract operation. Now her eyes are better than ever, and her memory is still astounding. "You see this photo? Ahh... i'm carrying your uncle here, he's six years old and your aunt just had her birthday the day before..". *cue* Jess's horrified face because photo was takein in 1960.

My relatives occupy three HDB flats in a row in a block in Hougang. It's quite nice, becuase once you get out of the lift and turn left, it's kinda like a private area... any strangers there will get weird stares. But it has occured to me that while we're technically close in terms of proximity, any other form of closeness is due to blood relations, and not any real sense of bonding.

The weather has been scorching lately. Whenever I used to tan, lying under direct sunlight gave my tummy a very strange queasy feeling, as if a ball of tension is coiling up inside and i just gotta get out of the sun for it to go away. Yeah well, now just walking along the street makes me feel that coiling tension.

But the little street children are still pitpattering around barefoot.. I observed one while he was walking alongside me on the pavement, lines with concrete just so you know, and he didn't seem to feel the heat at all. I know how frickin' hot that pavement is...

Am picking up on the Sufia project again as well. Just by sheer coincidence.

And now I know that the kids at the village by Buriganga weren't kidding when they told me one of their friends was going to be married. At that time, I couldn't be sure of what they were telling me about one of the girls who looked happy but shy and rather macabre in a way because of all the make up on her face. It sounded like she was getting married, but she was 6 or 7 and plus she looked really really happy.

But yesterday I realised that Sufia's daughter-in-law had been bethrothed at 7 and married at 12. So.. there. So now she's a widow at 18 with one son, no parents, no home and basically has every damn right to cry. And of course she hasn't been to school - she got married when she was 12! It's obviously illegal, but I really had not expected to find it happening near the city areas.

I really don't know what to do when people cry. i really don't. I feel like making myself invisible, because to try and comfort would be downright patronising. But I can't just stand there and do nothing. I feel like a complete idiot whenever it happens. And I should've been more prepared for it. I've had a ridiculously blessed life and I never had to deal with death in this way. But it sure as hell seems to me that everyone else here does, and they all do the same thing = ignore, and walk away, because really there's nothing you can do or say.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

38 days: Just an update on thongs and pigs and things.

Yes, so Jo left, without much fan-fare. But the night before, we did reach a common consensus that the young in UK and Singapore alike are losing that will to fight. Will be doing a bit more research/talking about this... there's a story waiting to be done.. i can feel it.

Apprently, the 12-year-olds in UK now wear thongs - it's the only socially acceptable thing to do. And if you thong doesn't show - you're not cool. Hands up all those who are scared.

Anyhow, kicking start the getting-off-ever-growing-ass-and-diving-back-into-work mantra has been working out fairly well. I actually knocked out at half past midnight yesterday - it's nice to feel so dead tired after all those nights of DVD watching.

But yes, I need this work. I love it that I don't have time for lunch, I love it that I've to multitask two stories at once. Writing this blog is the first break I've given myself all day. I love it that I overdid my coffee this morning and ended up drinking caffeine plus some colouring instead.

Of course, I wouldn't love it as much if I had to do this every other day, like how ST burnt me out when I was there the last time. Balance people... balance. Shall enjoy it while it lasts. Maybe it's different in this case.. since i actually chose to do all these things.. meaning that i like what i'm doing - that's a luxury that I won't expect to come by very often.

And, in other news, my 18-year-old brother has written a... erm... piece about me. Not exactly the most conventional tribute to sisters - it's as hard on me as I have been on him - but still, i'm unchanging and unyielding in my ways. I am quite the bitch and always will be - but I honestly never had the patience to be a gentle counsellor - you know the kind that can show you the error of your ways without raising their voices and smiling throughout.

So yeah. I wouldn't really worry about buying my brother a birthday present - but I will take leave to go to his school to verbally kick the ass of any teacher that wants to force him to quit or drop anything against his wishes.

I really hate that about schools - no one should be allowed to make decisions about education other than the person receiving it.

There are a lot of good stuff I could say about him, but let's not ruin the relationship we have now eh? *wink* Let's just say his blog isn't the most typical thing to read for 17-year-olds. You don't believe me, just click on his friends' links lor. Very scary.

He did make a slight error though, in misintepreting my bitchiness. It's not that he's nothing. Just don't think that you're everything (which was really, the impression you gave me when you talk big at home).

You can't possibly think that you're nothing - which I mean, if you were, I wouldn't be bothered anymore since it would be all in vain. And well, that kind of thinking is just a slippery slope all the way to inferiority hell.

And in also, other family news. Mother has decided that the Boston or New York Marathon wouldn't be as fun as the Flying Pigs Marathon which caught her eye probably in some Runners' World magazine years ago.

My mom has a soft spot for pigs. But she doesn't want to admit it. And so - she made me her scapegoat to buy pig-related items under the guise that "Jess loves them!". I didn't quite catch on till much later. Before that.. I was always wondering why I didn't love the pig stuff as much as my mom said I did.

I really am starting to surprise myself, with all this talk about my family.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

40 days: Flight or fight

Jo, or Joanna, flies off tomorrow.. and it'll be kinda sad to see her go. She's the most insecure and paranoid 45-year-old I've met wtih a loving husband and three kids. It's so odd... to have a mother ask me "Jess do you think what i'm wearing is alright?" I think she finds it strange too.

Actually her exact were, "God, I can't believe I'm learning social manners from someone younger than me."

Actually, I just told her how to lie to get out of a social appointment. So technically, I taught her to be rude. But hey it's not my fault if she can't say no.

And she's so horribly polite. She has the patience of a watermelon. Her answer to "How are you" isn't "I'm fine, thanks." It's "Oh I'm quite fine today, thank you. And how are you today?" Apparently a shorter version would be misconstrued as being rude in Bolton. But she's such a sweetheart, and her self-defacing sense of humour.. although completely uncalled for, is so hilarious.

But i'm happy that she's leaving, because she misses her girls so much I don't think she could stand it for another day longer. She talks about them so much I feel as I know them personally. It's really nice to see some old-fashioned sense of mothering.

Shall go buy DVDs of the Office in honour of Jo's depature!


Women's Rights. Those two words really don't mean anything to me, in fact if anything I get bored and try to stay away. It has always been so horribly cliche and always about the same issues that I wanted no part in it.

Which is an irony, since I myself have been griping about being treated condescendingly. I suppose the behavoiur wasn't extreme enough to prompt me into any form of action or resistance.

When I read the news, I'm interested in what's going on in Europe or the US, or maybe political stuff between China and Japan and all that. It just feels like those are the important things that I need to know to keep abreast of things.

But there are so many other stuff I skim across, like calls for various rights in the Indian subcontinental countries and other Asian countries. All those stories about child labour, rise of religious fundamentalism, squabbling political parties and all that... I never really could be bothered to read the whole article.

Which is precisely the mindset that I'm not supposed to have. I don't know if i've mentioned it before, but one of the first things that confused me before I came here was the fact that Drik refers to Bangladesh as being part of the Majority World. Photographers from the Majority World. News from the Majority World.

It was really confusing and mentally unsettling, because let's face it, I always thought the Majority World was the one that I read about more in the papers - and Bangladesh most certainly is not part of that.

Reading the history of Drik, I was faced with a very real example of how the cliche issues of media coverage translated into very real effects on the ground.

In 1994, before the emails and internet came, Drik had a primitive email system using one single telephone line. This was by far the best (and maybe only) way that news from Dhaka could be transmitted to other countries.

In a raid on a University campus by the police, disaster and further bloodshed was averted because the news was sent out within two hours - resulting in pleas from other governments to halt any further violence.

It never quite hit me that the company i'm working for now made it possible for that to happen. It's a huge thing.. and you don't get to be part of huge things in Singapore.

And so anyway, I feel like I've digressed. But the whole new persepective of "what is news" and what is the Majority World makes me feel obliged to rethink the whole thing about Women's Rights.

It's so easy for me to ignore because I don't feel like I need anymore rights. i'm going back Singapore soon what. And yeah you can argue that things aren't exactly equal in Singapore, but it's all about perspective isn't it? A woman not earning as much as a man versus a woman not allowed to work.

And i think i've said this before too, but I see so much strength in the eyes of women here. I can say for SURE that the women of this country are more capable than its men. The men are such louts, hanging around drinking their tea and smoking, oogling at women going by, noisy and obnoxious. The women walk past you quickly, silently, heads bowed to look at their feet. They know where they're going, you never see them hanging around, they're always doing something.

Of course I paint a stereotyped picture, but it doesn't change the facts.

And anyhow, these women here have enough things on their plate to worry about to be concerned with Women's Rights. There are lobby groups and activists, but just like politics and Singaporeans you know? - we got better things to worry about

I'm just rambling on. Doing a essay on Tasmina Nazrin. Who had thousands of men protesting in the streets of Dhaka to demand her death because she demanded equal rights. With a religious death sentence on her, she can't come back to her home country.

And so, if a well-off doctor do not have the liberty to talk about such matters - what about the woman on the street bringing her son home from school? Imagine the 10 fold pressure she would feel to keep her mouth shut.

I guess it's such a gigantic and immense task that it's so much easier to flip the page.. i feel tired reading about inequality and everything.

But... if Shahidul hadn't started the email system - just one bloody telephone line - in spite of the censorship and governmental paranoia after the coup;... imagine all the things this country wouldn't have today.

Singapore made me lazy. I never had to fight for anything.

"I don't believe in God, ... The religion mongers segregate women from the human race, I too am divided, I too am defrauded of my human rights..." (those are national Bangla colours)


Monday, May 09, 2005

41 days: I work with an Idiot.

If there's something that I've learnt the hard way, is that having age and intellect doesn't mean you can't be an idiot.

For the past few months I've been constantly griping about the guy whom I work with... and well he's done it again! It's just so disappointing to think that knowing South American literature and having a 4-year-old son doesn't do much good for one's work personaility.

Someone told me that I should take pity on him, because perhaps he's never been in a work environment before, and doesn't know what to do.


I'm just so tired of people making excuses on his behalf... it's about time we stopped babying him and.. if he has so much to learn.. well hell maybe he'd better start soon eh? His son isn't getting any younger.

This is a guy, who will blame undone work on his two young team members, because one of them is sick.. give excuses like how they are uncontactable and blahblahblah.

Work "Ethics" According to Malu:

1. Give excuses for everything - even if they don't make sense.

For example, two employees under my team is not in work today. And someone wants to know where they are. Appropriate response?

"I can't contact them. I don't have their numbers."

Oh, and before this, make sure you make them look bad. For instance, say "they said they're sick or something" in a tone that would insinuated that they are lying shrews and NOT in fact sick. It's alright even if the boy just recovered from high fever.

It's alright that while you're being asked this question, the person sitting next to you has both their numbers in her own phone. And it is also okay if people find out later from the two employees themselves how they called in this morhning to tell they would be late. I mean... what matters is the present! Just lie for the present.

2. Not do your work - and blame it on others.

For example, if a certain project is taking too much time, and someone asks why. Reply

"Oh you know A is sick or something, and B was given other work to do. And well.. C.. she's no where to be found."

It's completely acceptable to blame it on A,B and C, who are all probably younger than me. And even if A is indeed sick, I mean, it's his own fault right? And who the hell asked C to be having exams. And yes, I really don't know where she is, even though I signed the leave form for her.

Definately do not mention the fact that it's your own fault the project could not be completed because the log sheets which A,B and C needs to do work is still sitting undone in your bag.

I really I don't have to meet anymore 35-year-olds just as pathetic. I would post a picture.. but i really don't want to have a lasting visual of him on this page.

And the absolutely worst thing...I know I probably will when I start working.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

42 days: It's only a Paper Schmoon






And interesting website: Index on Censorship

Saturday, May 07, 2005

It's still 43.

Originally uploaded by elsija.

No flights on the 19th. Greaaaaat.

43 days: Ma and Pa

Spent a bit of time thinking about what the fuck I'll be doing after school, and whether I should even be thinking about that.

Someone asked me about my birthday, and I told them that hey hell you know I'm not even 21 yet. I'll turn 21 in December.

Then i remembered.. No... I turned 21 last year. Unconscious self denial is so powerful sometimes. So I corrected myself.. I turn 22 in December.. way after my peers have had their birthdays and gotten over the customary "getting old where-did-the-time-go" whining.

It's something I've always enjoyed really, having a birthday so late in the year, because I feel like I've been given an extra year. I mean, sure they got a headstart on me in life, but during the first year when everything is nipples and baby poo it doesn't quite matter does it?

But yes, after I pointed out that I would turn 22 in December, it got me to thinking whose birthday would be coming up next.. just a mental reminder to myself.

And it suddenly hit me and I stopped breathing for a moment - that just two months after my birthday, a good friend of mine would turn 23.

I mean, that number has NEVER come up in conversation before.. especially with me (who was thinking for a long time that I was still 20). But to hear that number... she must be petrified. At least I still have more than a year to go to be there.

i don't think i've really freaked out over age before.. this is the first time that a number has taken me completely by surprise. I think i'm too used to my "youth" - that very distinctive thing that people thing here have chosen to impose on me.

So in an email to dad, I just asked if they were sending me too much money... how his new job was going after his retirement from the police force, and where it was all going... whether he was going to retire or try and work up the ranks for better pay and all that stuff.

I know too many of my peers who have already been giving this thought way before they should have to, and I always felt very lucky and blessed (by who, dunno also) to not be in that kind of position.

But I've great plans for my parents anyway, and i've had them for a long time. It's not that i feel more pressurized now.. but the goal seems clearer.

I should have learnt more from them about happiness. My mom gets happy when she can have a 15 km jog in peace, chat with her running kakis and maybe a bit of supper/lunch/breakfast... My dad.. maybe a nice meal outside (with no one getting pissed at each other) with everyone.

I don't even know what their idea of "a good time out" is. Especially my mom. If we ever wanted to hang out.. i really wouldn't know what to do. I gotta hang out with her more. She gets all excited when we go out.. I feel like a guy taking a girl out for a date sometimes.

I know for a fact, that these are the two things i will be saving for the moment I start working. i'll have two funds - one for each of them.

Fund #1 - Send Mom to the U.S. for the Boston Marathon
Fund #2 - Send Dad to Namibia/Zimbabwe for a Safari trip and to revisit the place he spent almost a year in.

Without them around, it becomes so obvious how similar i am to them. I see my mom in the way I do the dishes, or clean the room, my fastidiousness in collecting plastic bags and rubber bands, the way I tie up my biscuits so it won't lao hong, the way i cannot stand to have soap left on the sink after i'm done with the dishes, the way i look at price tags of EVERYTHING i buy before i even consider buying them, the way i absolutely need my clothes to have some sun before i consider them clean.

And my dad, in the way I can be such a judgemental bitch sometimes, and how much pride i take in being independent, the way i iron my clothes, and the way the sight of almost all animals perk me up, the weird store of random trivia i have accumulated from too much animalplanet/nationalgeographic/discovery channel, and the utter ease i feel at being outdoors.. too much stories from dad about kampong life made me feel as if i lived it myself.

Yeah, so all these similarities became very obvious. And it makes me happy when i see it.. because hell, they're not the most disagreeable traits to inherit, is it?

And my dad replied my worries, and just to quote a few lines:

"You don have to worry abt Pas retirement. Pa is as strong as ever. Just ran 15 k with mummy last saturday."

*wry smile* heh, well, whaddayaknow. I'm still so shamed that my 49-year-old mother can outrun me anytime, anyday.

Sweetheart, Cox Bazaar, Chittagong

Gorai Bridge, Kushtia

Thursday, May 05, 2005

45 days: Come on, try me tonight

I got no wisdom that I want to pass on
Just don't hang round here
No i'm telling you son
You don't wanna know me
That's just what's everybody's telling me.
You look like me,
but please don't turn into me
You look like me,
but you're not like me I hope
I have run away from the one thing that I ever made
Oh I wish I could show you,
wish I could show a little soul.

- A Little Soul, Pulp



Wednesday, May 04, 2005

46 days: may not respond

Why is it, no matter how hard I try, I'm still incoherant on MSN?

Couldn't sleep last night. Maybe I shouldn't think so much at night.. but there's nothing else to do. So I sleep, with thoughts on my mind.. making me dream uncomfortable dreams, making me wake up feeling like I haven't slept.

I was asking Jo about sleeping pills last night, because I wanted more control over when I slept. But she said, "but that just means you have no control."

I don't quite get it yet.. but I know I will.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

It's still 47.

Cox Bazaar, Chittagong
Originally uploaded by elsija.

47 days: It's time to Panic

Yes, I knew this would happen. Six months would fly by and then I'd scramble to do last minute things.

Have been in an out-of-sorts mood for the past couple of days... not too sure why, but poor Darren on the receiving end of the crazy-psycho-bitch stick. i've already tried toning it down, truely truely I have.

But I figured, what I really need is work. I'm no good at slacking, no good at doing nothing. It drives me crazy. I need the stress, or I can't operate.

I just realised I do have a ton of things to do.

Met someone interesting, which made my radars prick up. I can smell an interesting person from a mile away, and I've rarely been wrong. Sometimes interesting becomes "so interesting in the WRONG WAY" but still... i'm right, technically.

But yes, Michael the American from the Peace Corps who spent two years in Sylhet teaching English. I've met his "type" before, the kind that actually does some work and not make phonecalls from an office to move some money downtown, but they all disappeared before i could ask questions.

And so, I have shamelessly arranged a meeting to talk to him further.

I need to know, what drives these people. Where their happiness comes from. What is their take on life. I need to know.. I know I'm supposed to figure all this out by myself, but it's so unbelievably interesting for me to listen to what others have to say. I mean, isn't he jaded? Isn't he tired? Doesn't he miss home?

What makes them tick?

I interviewed the Mercy Relief director about this... and he didn't really have a lot to say.. well phone interviews aren't the best for exchanging life anecdotes.. but people doing this kind of work have a serenity about them.. a sense of calmness.. a decision's been made about their life, and there's no going back.

Other than that, I have to find more work for myself.

Monday, May 02, 2005

48 days: Out by the Boxcar, waiting.

Never really thought much about the whole Casino because let's call a spade a spade shall we? It's a Casino, no no TWO CASINOS with fringe benefits. Didn't have much to say about the issue because as everyone has been saying, it was a done deal from the start. The ah pek sitting below your block could've told you that.

But well at least someone has stopped poking fun at it and said what had to be said.


Amen, amen. It's true. They owe us at the very least an apology. I'd sure as hell like to see that, all of 'em lined up in their spanking white get up doing an apology like how the japanese do it.

All the cliches are rushing back.... treat us like kids, want us to speak up, mature enough to have casino, not mature enough to enter without paying 100 bucks... *close eyes and sigh*

If the government has no balls, what does that make us? This population, half of which too old to care anymore, the other half too scared to talk.

And them, hiding behind their political correctness, their pack of PR hounds that i've seen in action so often, grovelling at their masters' feet and pit pattering along behind them with their files and clipboards.. I wanted to ask them, "how much is he paying you to degrade yourself like this? why are you treating him like a god? it's just a minister. not one of the big ones too."

So, we're a country with no balls lah.

So now we can all sing, ala Sheryl Crow:

I'm standing in the middle of the desert
Waiting for my ship to come in
But now no joker, no jack, no king
Can take this loser hand
And make it win

And all those who want to migrate, join in the chorus!:

I'm Leaving Las Vegas
Lights so bright
Palm sweat, blackjack
On a Saturday night
Leaving Las Vegas
Leaving for good, for good
I'm leaving for good
I'm leaving for good

happy thoughts, happy thoughts.


Old Dhaka - Boys and a Bike

4:33 pm UPDATE:


I thought my eyes deceived me.. but it's true, he's back, after climbing "mountains in Taiwan" and trudging through "jungles in Brunei" (don't the NS guys do that).... you think he'd be contented with his spa businesses (or facials for men? confusing..) but nooooooooo

BENEDICT GOH wants to make a comeback into the television screen...Via CNA's Audition Me! (I really hope it's not old news. I can't be. Someone would've mentioned it.)

At least now he knows Pyramid Game not good for image, so go for CNA lor.

Wah lau i can't believe my eyes. I even went to dig this out in tribute. Mr Brown, well he's always been funny, but maybe he had a slightly meaner streak in him back in 1998 (pre-kid-era).

Brown's Classic Post: The Many Faces of Benedict Goh

Celebrities these days are SO dull compared to the likes of Ben-ben.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

49 days: A bit of labour on Labour Day

Sure, I get an off-day today. But at least those in Singapore get Monday off as well.

But i'm still in office, sadly. Have ten tonnes of photos to scan in... and it's nice to have whole office to myself... no small talk, no need to smile unless I'm really happy, no need to do anything but my own things.

Given the option of bad company and no company, the choice is always clear. Unless I'm Rachel, in Friends, who cannot eat lunch by herself.

I've watched Seasons 8 and 10 about 10,000 times each, so forgive me.

Spent a whopping 415 Tks at Kozmo yesterday.. visiting it 2 days in a row would make me feel kinda freakish, if not for the fact that I'm starting to think of it as just a visit to a very expensive friend's house. I switched seats about 5 times.. from the sofa to the table to the bar to the table... the owner and I are really hitting it off... I think it's our shared interest in Beyonce.

And they played concert videos for U2 and Beyonce as well.. so it was no wonder I stayed till closing time again.

The worst thing... absolutely absolutely worst thing... is when I convert 415 tks it comes up to a whopping... S$12.

12 bucks. For the best iced tea, a foamy latte, a banana smoothie, fries, deep fried little fish pieces (food shared by two), an a moroccan spaghetti... and to end the night, hot tea.

oh, and a iced tea on the house in between somewhere.

12 bucks, for all that great drinks and food, for nearly 5 hours of nua time catching up on three back issues of the Economist, watching two concert videos...

Priceless baby, priceless.

Back to work. One hour, only three rolls down. Fuckarooo.