The Oscars: And No, NPH Did Not Get Best Dressed in his Tighty Whities

I would be remiss not to hammer you with endless Instagram photos and a pattering of pointless Joan Rivers' worthy fashion patrolling tonight. The Oscars' Red Carpet tap dance simply completes me as there is SO much to discuss, friends. A quandary of "hell no" moments, but at least a handful or two of "hell yes." Shall we begin? 

Let's start with my personal favorite, Marion Cotillard, in none other than Dior Haute Couture. This white polka dot sleeveless dress hints of old Hollywood tailoring. It fits her figure well, but doesn't hug her body (and I LOVE that). BUT, more importantly, did you see the back? 

You're welcome, okkkk? How fierce and how unique could one dress be? Sexy doesn't have to mean Herve Leger, okay? Intended simplicity with a bit of surprise is everything on this lovely creature. Hardly any makeup, an elegant diamond drop earring and a face like that? Well, that's called perfection. Note it.

Here we have the always stunning Emma Stone in one of my favorite looks on her ever. Monochromatic metallic magnificence by Elie Saab. Fits her perfectly, highlights her perfect red hair and makes me weep. That's all. 

Cue Pachelbel's Canon because here comes our ironic virgin fashion bride, Anna Wintour. Give me a second, while I wipe my tear... Okay, I'm back. I sort of love this dress and fur capelet. And by sort of, I mean, I am obsessed. I mean, she's not wearing her sunglasses - even if she clutched them in her hand like a smoker waiting for her next drag. She has a bit of a glow and her smile seems genuine. This has turned into a moment, people. It certainly helps that Bee Shaffer serves as the most beautiful sidekick ever; just divine in a dark, floral print and smoky eye. Brava, ladies, but like I needed to tell YOU that.

I love me some Meryl Streep. She is truly one of my all time favorite actresses. She doesn't always get it right on the red carpet, though. I mean, let's be honest, like hardly ever. BUT tonight, she nailed it. Wearing an absolutely perfect Lanvin skirt and jacket, styled with a sophisticated hand, Meryl looks divine. This, ladies, is how you dress when you're sexagenarian status. Okay?

Naomi Watts in Armani Prive,` shows some serious back in this number and we love it. The metallic paneling of this dress seems almost reptilian. I love her dark lip and the goth-ish vibe she's owning. Rad. Just rad.

Tegan and Sara were Canadian, androgynous superstars tonight. Love, love, love everything about their looks and their wardrobe voracity. Tegan in The Kooples and Barbara Bui and Sara in Public School and Cole Haan. Out of the box and fierce. Their Oscar performance was kind of AWESOME, too. Sorry, I can't help it.

Now, for the misses. The, I can't help but be snarky moments… 

I mean… Diane Warren. I'm so sorry, but just no. When the 80s call and you just wanna hang up… yeah, this is that moment. That moment of sheer and utter horror. Not sure who she's wearing, but do you really care?

Solange. Solange. Solange. You look like Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba. I'm ashamed I know who that is, but the resemblance is uncanny. This is so not okay. Fire your stylist immediately. Please, we all need you to do this.

If ever there was a true GOOP moment, it was now. I know most of the world finds her incredibly irritating (and she is), but her fashion is usually on point. Don't argue with me, I'm right. Tonight, however, this dress gets a big fat "F." The cut is fine. I don't even mind the one shoulder thing… but the flower is atrocious and the color? Just ugh.

Nikki K., this color is so bad on you. Why? Why would you let them convince you that it brings out your eyes? Because it does not. The iridescence of this Rainbow Bright number hurts me in my heart - and that's saying a lot, ok? I forgive you, though, because I know you usually kill it. Just don't do this again. Like ever.

And there you have it. We're tapped out. Tell us what you loved and loathed. Give us some insight because we're just a bunch of a**holes, trying to be funny.