Tuesday, 4 July 2017


Smile, dear, we're on  Facebook


Facelift Kay.

Stay tuned.
Or I'll bite your fucking face off.





You should both be sterilised

Born too late, me.

 It just pure isnae.



groups of other people

and indeed other animals: 


The Biggest Dirty Books Shop In The World. 


Yeah, man, Hare Krishna.

Never mind the PeaceMakers,
Blessed are the Pornographers. 

Blessed are the Pornographers, for iconised Lust is Ejaculate's handmaiden. 
well, you mayst, 
find Ourselves up Shit Creek, 
without even an paddle.

The Dirty Pictures have been around forever, 
 Jolly good thing, too, I should think.  

But, my Lord, we are where we are.  
 Even though she did.





I mean, who gives a fuck?  





Oldrightie said...

Succinct, pertinent and chock full of common sense. Ergo, no place for these views in the modern world of not only "weaponised ignorance" but now weaponised hedonism. Power to your elbow, Sir!

Anonymous said...

There is an anomaly in the law, surprise surprie, which was explained by a copper to our school's parents' meeting.
If you are an 18 year old boy - or "man" as they used to be called - with a 17 year old girlfriend you can legally have sex, the copper helpfully explained. If, however, she sends him a picture of her parts most private, he is then in posession of illegal material and can be arrested for having underage sexual imagery since she wasn't 18.
This actually happened and the boy was arrested, expelled from school (6th form), lost his university place and his parents had to move due to harassment for harbouring a sexual offender. All due to having (and unwisely showing, not posting it, to a presumably ex-friend) a picture of a person whom he could legally marry.
It would seem to be the case that even if they were married such a picture, owned by her husband, would make him a criminal.
Funny old world except it isn't.
PS. What Oldrightie said.

walter said...

A former workmate of mine reminded me that you could get married in Scotland at sixteen have a baby, but you couldnt buy a box of matches to light a fire to keep the baby warm.... thats what happens when you have lawyers for mp,s

Mike said...

It may be a class thing? The gentry, in the good old days, used to enjoy erotica in the confines of their clubs, but now its available to the masses, well something must be done.

Occasionally I play snooker. There are some fairly tame, but suggestive Edwardian prints on the wall of the club - 'potting the red', and that sort of thing. I've often wondered if anyone complained.

call me ishmael said...

I don't object to a debate about what is Decent, about what is offensive to women in particular and I do not actually believe that people SHOULD post material meant to humiliate but neither do I think that the criminal law has any place in soured relationships. If we really wanted to make a society which gave no offence to women we would've hanged Rupert Murdoch, Andrew Neil and Kelvin McKenzie decades ago.

Anonymous said...

Mike - Hopefully there's not a print called "Going for Brown."

Anonymous said...

Always heartening to see the old folk had much the same sense of mischief as we do - in the background of that statue of Stoical Dobbin the Spit-Roast Pony there's a figure who apparently can't look - or can't help but peek. (Reminds me of a terrific line somewhere by Burroughs where the hick sheriff is having a quiet word with the local lads about their habit of skinny-dipping at the quarry: "Now in future I want you boys to wear trunks. Decent church-going women with binoculars can see everything. There've been complaints.")

As for that potting colour-chart, Messers Richard & Mike, you'd think twice about yellow and green, I shouldn't wonder (along with blue, nature's way of saying "steer clear.")


Mike said...

Sorry to hijack the discussion, but you saw fetishists did it first, and two wrongs make a right, but some heartwarming news from one of the few remaining news sources:


Incidentally, for you snooker fans, 'potting the red' was a print of a Lord Lucan type gent with his arm around a glamourous red-head, in 1930s attire.

call me ishmael said...

Prompted by someone here, mr mike, I sent tha JailBlair organisation fifty quid, but I suspect that as a nation we are more interested in the X Factor, whatever that is. Maybe, however, the thought of being arrested keeps Tony and Imelda awake at night although they will certainly be deaf to the cries of the burning Iraqi children. Yeah, you only see that stuff on RT. 'S a wonder Bukkake George Osborne hasn't a slot on there, he likes wrking for the Russians and lets face it, to a cunt like him, every openny counts.

People's fetishes are their own affair, their dog leads and their bathsful of baked beans, it's just that I don't want to be compelled to "celebrate" their diversity. Don't care what Lord Brian Paddick of the Gay Police Fedceration shoves up his arsehole, I just wish he'd stop talking out of it, at £350 a day of my money.

There is,incidentally a series on, here, called Kinky Britain and you simply would not believe what gets some people off; I don't, and I have seen them, right there, on m'TeeVee screen, in m'living room.

Dick the Prick said...

Good to have you back, Mr Smith

I don't know if it's true but one of my college buddies is a teacher and says he had to kick a lad out of class for doing a bird up the arse at the back of his class. I defo have been born too soon or too late - you had the 60's with free love and kids today have interactive porn. All I got was vast amounts of Class A drugs and the occasional knackered shag - these days, it's fucking Tuesday. Hmm.. oral gonorrhea's on the increase though - God hates lucky bastards!!

Seriously, a campaign to stop 15 year olds wanking - good luck with that!

Defo as per the kid thread - ridiculous sentiment. I adored my Siamese cat - they develop best friend's do cats, much like Labradors if treated correctly (although he did once claw my eyeball) but when I put him down the waterworks went independent yet my brain was totally clear. I've got the same arrangement with my mum - when I decide to end it, job done. Nip down whores row and score a killer dose of smack and i'll take her out. Law is a political device and we have the ability to govern our own family subject to common understanding. If my mum turns retard, she's given me the green light. Smack is meant to be quite morish and i'll even pop some Placido Domingo on. To e fair, the boy's not bad.

Life is sacrosanct, to be sure, but it's also relatively cheap. We've lived in peaceful times. I walk past a frikkin' huge war memorial every time I walk into town and one of my favourite TeeVee shows is Brideshead Revisited. I kind of identify with Charles Ryder - everything's going on in the world yet there is a remarkable internal calm. But we could have been called up for a pointless war almost any time in British history until now - it's only nuclear weapons and a bit of common sense that allows us to take the total piss out of government. We've lived such safe lives that we've almost sought out recklessness and wreakheadedness. (just texted my weed guy at noon on a Monday and he was round in 10 minutes - all done by taxi cabs these days; none of that sit there and have a cup of tea bollox and make out you're friends shit like we had to do in the olden days - fuck that with bells on - it's Amazon days now!) But there has to be a common understanding that life is also quick, it's fallible, it can fuck up - it's a family matter.

As you say - these guys are fuck all like the McCann's but I think they've been hit by mindless expectations. Plus being stupid hasn't allowed consequence analysis but they're parents - they're allowed to kick off. A similar thing is going on with the Grenfell Tower people in that expectation has just gone mental and it's disturbing. The kid thing has no ramifications but the Tower thing does - if amnesty is declared then surely to fuck people are gonna start torching flats. These fuckers are **cough** playing with fire, the cheeky cunts.

House renovation taking ages - turns out my sump pipe was fucked outside and the cheeky bastards had built a couple of false walls in my kitchen to hide the leaks. What the fuck is the mentality of that? We reckon that to fix ceramic pipes back in 1998 ish was a proper job requiring shit loads of excavation whereas now you can get industrialized plastic seals that can be fitted to anything. Cheeky gits though - had my plasterer and electrician in happily talking bollox and suddenly we ripped a fucking wall off. Not really to be expected. Got a dehumidifier at the weekend so letting that bad boy try its best. Really chuffed that it's sorted - it's been a comedy of errors and this genuinely is the last possible thing it could have been!!

Love to the fam


call me ishmael said...

Right, mr dick.

Last thing i heard was that you were going Walkabout and now it's all Homes Under the Hammer. Where IS your life at? But Yes, it's never the house, it's always the cheap, fuckhead, dimwit bastards who owned it before. It was millionaires had my house and he used cooker cable for the lighting; eight inches of nice, brisk fresh air for the insulation, and of the hundreds of his screws which I have removed, no two of them were the same, he musta had the biggest Quality Street tinful of rusty scews in the history of bodging. Oh, and the ones before him used six-inch galvanised nails for every single thing, bent-over when they were too big, which was always.

I think that - as I've said - being a parent only allows you to kick-off so much and this is way too far, Ms Ghastly and the Weed are conflating their own sentiment with the one-way-street option for the child, y'know, as I said, Mick Philpott, dogmatic, egotistical, exploitative, look where his kicking-off led.

Dehumidifiers are great, I had to have one, after James Farquahar of JD Roofing, Orkney, flooded my house, because he is stupider than a fencepost, the worthless git, and Lo, what one once thought of as dry did actually yield-up an lakeful of water.

Having to sup a cup of tea is one thing, my Dealer usedta make me listen to double albums by Peter fucking Frampton before reaching for the scales. I bumped into him, years later, he was a 'publuican in the Black Country, same trip, really, selling drugs to the Beaten.

I don't suppose that the NewParents want to stop their kids wanking per se, more that they want to control the form and the media deployed, which is about as jaw-dropping a failure of understanding as one could imagine. And quite creepy, too.

Dick the Prick said...

I think they de-plastered the living room with the kitchen directly underneath already finished. In their wisdom, they took the floorboards off the room. So, on n removal of kitchen ceiling to replaster due to damp stuff and a full rewire, fuse box, damp proof course etc etc, a fucking tonne of shite fell through above the wonderful individually set lattice pines, in stages. I can imagine the scene where the gaffer, on a Friday, probably about 2.30, says to the boys "..if we pull them floorboards out we don't have to lug this stuff down to the skip" and then fucked off to the boozer - the utter cheeky cocktards. What looked like a bit of damp turned into an FBI operation. For months I thought it was the woman next door!

I have had a bit of money issues too as I lent my mum all my cash to buy an awesome flat and she finally managed to flog hers. Weirdest thing - we've never been affluent before. There's an element of shell shock. I spent 12 years paying back my mortgage and constantly reducing the years so I got to about 20% loan and for a couple of years interest rates were 0% and I hated my job and I managed to blag an Economics degree and I just snapped buddy. Blah blah blah economic theory etc - it shows that the Bank of England is on its arse with no direct action available other than to fuck off. It advertises an end to monetary policy, a boundary, a fucking end point. Zero % interest rates in normal language is a nothing, a flight of fancy - what if we had interest rates Magenta - it'll never catch on Simeone! Drivel with bells on. I used to work in a NHS thing - could quite easily have done a Collumbine!

I am of the New Parent generation and I take significantly more drugs than most people. What I have noticed is that these daft bastards are such social retards that when they do their drugs - it's at a BBQ or something with their teenage kids around. There's an association with Oasis and the Stone Roses that simply doesn't translate into normal behaviour. Huddersfield have promoted to the Premier division so i'm quite phlegmatic about raucousness - all over it - but at some point in their mind they must accept that they are adults. I'm a bit lucky, been an analyst for 20 years but if i'd have looked up and tried to integrate - I dunno. Kinda feels like the first time i've looked around since college.

A lot of my generation are retards and the ones who think they're good usually aren't. There's a lot of good character there, it's just been morphed into some mass bullshit sponge with 0% interest rates. If 68% of our GDP is based on consumer spending then fuck it - let them be mongs! Hey ho!

I've had some fucking terrible dealers. My best mate now used to 'sort out his mates' and he used to sing. He still does it but we've been through therapy. He's a Londoner and used to do busking down there, we met at 17 after I bought a teenth and 25 fucking years later he can still make me furious with 1 guitar string. When you were at the dealers, it was a forced audience - was horrible when it was just 'give me the fucking weed and stick your dreamcatcher up your arse'.

Seriously, assumed my water problem was topography - just accepted it, wall didn't look so bad, no smell or anything. Then my carpet got saturated. It has taken a while but the initial quote was £20k to tank it and it turns out that may not even work. I've had to learn where the waters coming from. (bit Gospel!)

Nah man, getting there. Spent half that and done twice the job. Kinda thinking fuck travelling but yer know, what could possibly go wrong?

Never heard of Peter Frampton - will check out your pain!

Dick the Prick said...

I was umming and arring about going to the booze shop. Pete's got his uses - GET THE FUCK OUT!!!

call me ishmael said...

I will have to think about all of that, mr dick; I believe that in our long relationship this is as much as you have ever said about yourself; I must try to contextualise it all. Fuck travelling would be my position, too; people should stay where they are and make it better; mr mike, of course, would disagree.

Dick the Prick said...

Cheers fella. Will comment up the road - me and my mum pissed ourselves at Cilic.