Thursday, 5 June 2014

Big Brother 2014 Launch show: Power trip

Hey! I've forgotten how to write a blog. I'm drunk from the get go, which is folly as the only way to go is down. Still, I'll give it a go. I've done it for enough years! A friend of mine is at the launch show. I will be scaling the crowd for his lovely face. Ah, the familiarity of the crowd noise and the theme tune. It's like a comfort blanket.
The power is in our hands! If you say so. Remember once on BBUS when the clue to the question was 'the power is up for grabs?' WE DO. It was hard.
Ooh look at the house, it looks all day glo. I don't look at the pictures early, I prefer to see it on the night. I don't see the point of a toilet that washes you. There's no camera in the loo anyway.  House looks quite good. That was a really short house tour, which is good.
DR chair does look good, I must admit, looks like something from Alton Towers.
Tamara is the first housemate: 'I revel in power and control.' Eh? She's like some cunt from The Apprentice. She doesn't like housewives and men are disposable. She's happy to backstab or be ruthless, lol. Boooooo!
Ugh, BB is telling me what to hashtag. Get to fuck. Tamara is bringing brains and beauty. What about the brawn? 'Hates veggies, animal rights people and the unemployed.' Cut to Swampy entering the house.
What's Emma Willis wearing!? Looks like Julie Chen's cast offs.
Mark is in next. He's a visual merchandiser. Yellow jacket. What? HD brows. LOL. His accent is bugging. Someone went 'whatever' when he walked in. Enough said. He gave Tamara a super fake hug. They both look like a right pair of arseholes.
Next in is Helen. Another wannabe. Oh she fucked Wayne Rooney. Why is she in the normal version, doesn't that make her a 'celeb', ha? I hope they have some normal people. I don't want all these fake people. People aren't booing her that bad. She likes animals! Don't tell Tamara. LOL to her and Tamara wearing virtually the same dress.
Next is Steven. Another Apprentice contestant! I get the power thing but yawn. He's got the car. He's got the house. He's got the ankle swingers. He's got the paperwork. He's got the sunglasses. He's 23 going on 40. A posh Jay Mcray.
One housemate to rule them all! Will it be Danielle? I doubt it. Another businesswoman! Doesn't believe in sex before marriage or same sex marriage. A thick cunt then. And ugly, too. Claims to have the 'moral high ground.' Self proclaimed moral high ground is always dangerous. She's come as a fucking leprechaun. If she had to eat one food forever it would be caviar or lobster. Can't add up to one.
Next is Winston. He's a 'bit more smarter'. Why are they are business people?! Bugging. 'Fit birds' - ugh. This seems like the worst cast in a long time. It's quite nightmarish so far. Alan Sugar would kick these slippery little mugs into touch.
Matthew doesn't like thick people. Unlucky! 'Well everyone has cleaners, don't they?' Loafers. Cardie. Rude to waiters. My favourite! He's actually the most interesting so far. He looks like he could do with a good meal. He's got no arse. I think he wants to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint. He looks really nervous and green.
Next in is Kimberly. Never trust someone who can't spell their own name. American, Playboy model and business brain. What is military theory? She might be a master strategist. Where's the thickos and the geeks?
Christopher seems more normal than the others. Did he say he was a dairy farmer and a journalist, or am I tripping? He hates people who are devoid of personality. I love them. His idols are Madonna and John Snow. Maybe he likes jazzy socks. He reminds me of Aaron.
Pauline is the last housemate of the night aged 49. At least she's different to the others in that she's a rapper and not a faux business twat. She did the crap rap on Shocked by Kylie. That was a bad album.
I don't like Big Brother when there's no one I can get behind, I don't enjoy it (see Big Brother Canada 2).
I don't want to vote for one housemate to have the power but at a push and against the clock, I voted for Christopher. It was him or Matthew.
My TV isn't letting me pause which is annoying, as I have 5% free. What's the deal!
Jazzy P has got the HOH key! She can't understand simple instructions, though. Hold on, who the fuck is Iris? It's like POD on Snog, Marry, Avoid.
Pauline, punish Danielle! I think she'll make the right decision, she seems quite sensible. She's rewarding Mark, I thought she would, she laughed when he spoke. She chose to punish Matthew as he said he was intolerant, and I think she heard that as racist, which is fair enough! I don't like that room she's in, it looks duff, like Knightmare.
They have to step inside two boxes. My boyfriend predicts one as gunk and one as grab a grand. Matthew and Mark are having an eyebrow off! Mark should have to grab the cash. TARGET!
Matthew is getting sent to solitary confinement! He's gotta do a Dan Gheesling and turn it to his advantage. 
So six more housemates tomorrow night. Let's hope we get some nice people, for fuck's sake. These arseholes don't look like they have a sense of humour between them.
Well the twist wasn't too offensive, but wasn't exactly original either. Bring on tomorrow. Unimpressed so far, but that means nothing. See you on Spreaker (I hope!)

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