Janet Street-Porter: Sorry, but I'm not bothering to reinvent myself in 2014

Yes, I am a creature of routine, and what's wrong in that? I eat the same breakfast every morning, wear the same old sweat pants to write this column every Sunday, and every time that irritating Anne Atkins presents Thought For The Day I leap for the Radio 4 off button.

For some reason, though, people  like me are considered pariahs, as January has been designated the month of change - the season when we must cast off old habits, and embark on a dramatic (and painful) process of reinvention. From which we will emerge - according to the  so-called experts - cleansed, revitalised, and improved.

January, the month of change? I don't think so

January, the month of change? I don't think so

To which I say - BOG OFF!

Obviously, being cooped up in the home with the nearest and dearest for two weeks brings tremendous strains, especially when the weather is too appalling to go for a long walk.

Consequentially, January 2 was the day when more people than ever logged on to dating sites in the hope of finding a new partner - over a million hoped that the click of a mouse might produce someone who might change their lives for  the better.

Granted, these days the internet is how a third of new relationships start, but I question the mindset that results in taking down the decorations, binning the holly, and as the lid closes on the wheelie bin, thinking that 2014 will be the year when you will meet someone who is 75 per cent better than that all-too-familiar overweight soul snoozing on the sofa in front of a flickering telly.

The same applies to our tortured relationship with eating. January has been designated the month to reshape our physiques and feel younger. HA HA HA.

Good for you if you're following the 2-Day Diet, but in defiant JSP-style, I have no intention of dividing my week into dieting and non-dieting days. Neither am I re-planning my life to conform to five days of technology and two without, or four days of drinking ginger beer and three back on the vino.

Our obsession with lists has been transferred into a need to split our lives into ON and OFF days.

Before too long, we'll be told that unless you're having sex, flossing teeth and reading a book on the 5/2 pattern you're just not on the programme. Today is also the day when more of us than ever will sign up to look for a new job, convinced that our existing one is dreary and doesn't use our talents to the full.

That might be the case, and I've always advocated self-belief and boundless ambition, but remember that radical change usually means only one thing - you don't like yourself  very much.

Never mind the spurious concept of toxins lurking within, the biggest toxin in modern society is the relentless drive to self-improve and the huge industry it has spawned.

Lily Allen: Why does she complain that people are always having a go at her?


Why not reflect on what is good about life, focusing on the positive rather than the negative and then do more of that?

Our lives, like trees, don't need constant pruning. The truth is, we need to live in the moment, work with what we've got, and not set goals we'll inevitably  fail at and then feel even  more depressed.

Sausage and chips anyone?

Please spare us the self-pity, Lily

Lily Allen, whose dulcet tones helped John Lewis to a bumper Xmas, says in an interview with Esquire that showbiz is full of botoxed idiots who laughed  at her when she was pregnant. How come it took her so long to discover the blindingly obvious?

Mind you, her lyrics sometimes focus on life's truisms, like her latest single Hard Out Here, which tells us that sexism is rife in the music business.

The accompanying video featured mainly black, scantily clad dancers, rather defeating the point of the exercise.

Why does Lily complain that people are always having a go at her?

She says: 'It's hard for me because I will eternally feel like that little bullied girl at school, because that's what I was.'

Lily is beautiful, smart and successful - and she's got an album to promote. Please let's have a bit less self-pity.

She should try being a pensioner at a party full of beautiful actors under 35 - you're about as visible as the doormat.

The bonkers Bridge makes Sherlock look elementary

Sofia Helin: Almost as twitchy as Claire Danes in Homeland

Sofia Helin: Almost as twitchy as Claire Danes in Homeland

The Bridge returned on Saturday - Hoorah!

Both leading characters are utterly dysfunctional: one is reading manuals to work out how to run a relationship - and the other has just abandoned couples counselling to the chagrin of his estranged wife.

This is TV for adults, unlike Sherlock Holmes, which is basically an infantilised drama aimed at big kids.

My only complaint is that Sofia Helin - who plays Saga, the detective who appears to have low-grade Asper-ger's - is starting to twitch and manifest irritating facial tics about as much as Claire Danes in Homeland.

Achingly perfect harmonies: Phil Everly

Achingly perfect harmonies: Phil Everly

The death of Phil Everly has reminded me how important their music was when I was growing up. Their achingly perfect harmonies were the background to my teenage years - songs such as All I Have To Do Is Dream and Bye Bye Love perfectly encapsulated that awful longing when someone you fancy doesn't even know you exist.

By 1972, though, the band were out of favour, and record sales had declined. They toured the UK, and played the London Palladium that September. A Californian friend of mine knew Don because they shared a common interest in contemporary art, and she invited me to brunch next day at their hotel.

Sadly, for the only time in my life, I was so starstruck I could hardly say a word, but I did manage to share a bowl of chips with Phil. Listen to their Roots album, it's still a genius piece of work.

Cameron's pledge is simply fairness for pensioners

Cameron's pledge to protect rises in the state pension until 2020 will spawn a predictable backlash of pensioner-bashing.

The PM made his latest pledge for a very simple reason - 76 per cent of over-65s voted in the last election, and he needs them on his side to stand any chance of success. My generation has turned out to be by far the most interesting and risk-taking group in society. More of us than ever are starting our own businesses, more than ever are living together, not getting married (a 40 per cent rise over the past eight years).

But for every silver surfer, every 'olderpreneur' learning and selling new skills, there's a pensioner living in poverty, someone who has seen their savings shrink and the cost of care increase.

Low interest rates mean the non-retired get cheap mortgages, but they don't help the elderly. Old, single people also pay more for their food and heating - and I notice Cameron didn't mention protecting the winter fuel allowance, and travel perks.


Celebrity Big Brother has kicked off with the usual gang of reality show deadbeats, a boxer trying to launch a career outside the ring (Evander Holyfield) and a comedian keen to seem topical after some recent damaging (unfounded) allegations - Jim Davidson.

A few months ago, I was offered hundreds of thousands of pounds to take part in this show, but I'd rather have my toenails pulled out than spend a week locked in a room with anyone from TOWIE.

As it happens, the programme makers have shot themselves in the foot, by allowing Linda Nolan (sample brain dead quote: 'I am just so thrilled to be in this Big Brother.') and Jim Davidson to pick which inmates should be up for the first eviction.

By selecting the undoubtedly ridiculous Dappy (in his Versace trousers looking like a human three-piece suite with a hamster  sitting on it) and Liz Jones, they are denying viewers hours of sport and the ratings will undoubtedly suffer.


