Thursday, July 8, 2010

A Catfight. Literally.

I'd love to tell you that the story behind my pale skin and the vicious scrape and bite marks are because I met Edward and turned into a Twilight vampire, but it's not nearly that Hollywood-esque.
My kids might get a bit rowdy every now and then, but no, they didn't do it either.

My mom has a cat named Mr. Darcy, and he is the very spawn of Satan. He only has eyes for my mom and enjoys leaping out from under her kitchen table to punch people with his clawless front paws.

He got mad the other day because I wouldn't let him maul our new pup, Penny, and he popped out from under the kitchen table and went to town on my leg. He must have planned the attack because he used his back paws to slash the bottom of my leg while gnawing elsewhere.

I may have said a bad word or two.

Mr. Darcy got a timeout in the dark bathroom, where he meowed pitifully and hit the door with his pathetic clawless front paws. The girls were told not to go anywhere near him, and I went to attempt to bandage my gimpy leg with 67 band-aids.

I looked super hot at the pool that night.

I like cats a lot. I always had a cat growing up, but when I married T (an avowed cat-hater), my track record went South fast. It was like the cats sent out some sort of Tweet or email that I somehow joined the other team when I married T.

A month after we were married, our landlord's cat scratched me under one eye and the swelling made it look like T had taken a baseball bat to my face. It was so bad that my college advisor pulled me aside to tell me that she volunteered at a local battered women's shelter and did I need to talk? She didn't really buy the whole "I got beat up by a cat" story.

If I get rabies, I hope you will keep reading this blog.

post signature


  1. I'm laughing with you...not at you:)
    This is the funniest thing I've read!!!

  2. lol! Thanks for the laugh this morning... after both kids waking up around 5:30 am, I needed a good one. ;)

    -Ann Marie

  3. I love your sense of humor. Hmm, the cats just might be out to get you...I brought an evil cat into the family. I got him in college and then dumped him at my parents house. At the time they had another cat, a pony, a parakeet and a fish. The only surviving pet is Mungo (my evil cat)....there's no evidence except with the parakeet that Mungo had any real direct connection with the unfortuante incidents but you have to wonder...He's old now and my family would be lost without him and he's not all bad he just has a temper...

    As you can see this story is a little too relatable for me:-)

  4. So sorry, cat scratches hurt something awful! I hope he learned his lesson! Feel better soon!

  5. Oh, I'm so sorry, Amanda! I'm trying not to laugh at the thought of anyone named Mr. Darcy becoming violent! (Tell your Mom I love his name!) I once had a friend's Siameses cat jump up and attach himself to my waist by his claws because I talked baby talk to him...insulting, I guess! lol Hope you heal quickly!...hugs...Debbie

  6. oh, I hope it doesn't hurt too bad! bad Mr. Darcy!! one of my cats once tried to go after my father in law while he was feeding her for us and she almost went out the window-luckily he restrained himself!

  7. I will definitely keep reading if you get rabies. Wonder what a rabid Amanda would sound like?

    You are so funny! But I'm sorry about your injuries.

    Me no likey cats. Kittens, yes; cats, no. They're too much like women.

  8. Oh my goodness, I hate to admit that I'm laughing at this post but I do hope that your wounds heal quickly w/ minimal scaring. I had a cat like Mr. Darcy too who was just an evil little thing, we ended up giving him away to a poor little old lady who needed a companion. I often felt guilty to the unassuming woman & wondered if she's still alive or if the cat finished her off.

  9. OH, I am so sorry that you were attacked like that. How rude of that kitty? I'm not a fan of cats. I'm a dog lover. Cats look at me like they have my number. Hope you heal quickly and without rabies. You don't want those shots!

  10. Sorry you got attacked.

    If the cat bit you and broke skin you should go to the doctor for some hard core antibiotics because cats carry worse germs than dogs even if they are up to date on their shots. I know this from my lovely cat freaking out and biting me. It was really more of a tooth scratch but they still wanted me on antibiotics.

  11. Oh my goodness! Megilon is right, at least make sure you cleaned them really, really well (I'm sure you did).
    Our cat is not particularly affectionate and occasionally will attack out of the blue, too. I can usually tell by the look in her eyes that she's fixing to.

  12. Okay, the part about the email/tweet is the funniest thing I've read in a long while. You are too funny!!!

    So sorry about your injuries. Durn cats! I am definitely a dog girl. I've been attacked by too many cats! Hate them!!

  13. Bwahahahaha! Too bad it wasn't Edward. How very naughty of Mr. Darcy.
    I have very severe allergies. Several years ago (the first time we lived in Germany) I was having a really difficult time with them to the point where my eyes were both red and swollen (the left completely swollen shut) and my nose was swollen and raw from all the wiping and blowing (sexy, no?). I was outside walking my dog when an MP (Military Police) saw me and asked me if I needed help. I had no idea what he was talking about as he continued to ask me questions. He finally came out and asked me if my husband was beating me. Nice. I made an appointment with the allergist that week.

  14. Sorry to say it but I am laughing at your pain right now. lol But I have MANY scars from all my years of being around cats. My best friend had a Satan cat as well, and I was the only one out of all of our friends that would attempt to mess with the cat- I wasn't scared of her no claw self! lol

  15. Thanks so much for the laugh and humorous post! Too hilarious!

  16. OUCH! I had to giggle a little, but that's a nasty cut.

  17. I'm not buying it are in fact a vampire! You're a newborn but are playing the reverse psychology on us...right Amanda? Um, Bree Tanner!

  18. If you get rabies, I will totally keep reading your blog. But only if you post a video of you foaming at the mouth.

    I'm with T. I think all cats are the spawn of Satan.




Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...