~It can always be worse..~

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Photo credit: Madilyn Peiper

This posting wont make a lot of sense to most people……… 
Where do you draw the line. My line tends to get longer. Its never worse enough. For me nothing is ever normal or the way its supposed to be. Everything is an effort an extreme effort at that. I play situations out in my head before they happen. I try to picture how i would react or what i would do. The worse possible outcome and all. When it happens for real it dosnt matter how much time you spent, or even what you pictured would happen. It never goes as imagined. At least not for me.
Once again I find myself in this oh so familiar spot. Head spinning with non stop thoughts that will never be shared. Questioning reality and the purpose of existing. Wondering what it’s really all about. Recognizing the little things are cherish-able for ever to me and maybe not enough for you.
How is it possible to feel this way? I keep telling myself it could be worse. I will be done if ___. But my ifs keep getting worse. I accept more than I ever thought I would. I’m so good at making excuses.
I really like being lied to, I will believe anything I am told. You think I’m so stupid and I am not capable of getting by without. I am capable of more than you know. You are not the only one who gets away with lying.
I’m not sure why I allow stuff to keep happening the way its been happening. I am fucking falling apart. Im already crazy and now I feel like I’m going crazier. How can someone claim they love someone and do or say the things that were said? How can someone look someone, who loves them, in the eyes and continue causing anguish?
Once again asking how long this time? Who will be the blame? What lame excuses will be used?
Do I enjoy it? Can someone really be that weak? why is it impossible to walk away?
Physically numbing but emotionally agonizing. It’s indescribable, unwanted, unnecessary, and embarrassing. Its embarrassing for everyone. So why am I afraid to let go. I don’t like to hurt. I’m so tired of crying about the same things every time. I want it to be better. I want shit to happen the way it’s meant to.

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