August 8, 2010

Real Talk: You Aren't My Ex

The first time he introduced me as his ex to his friends, I thought, "That's weird. I was never his girlfriend." Then, he did it again when he introduced me to the new girl he's seeing. Clearly, he has convinced himself that I'm his ex-girlfriend out of nowhere.

Not to split dating hairs here, but I was never his ex and it irritates me to watch him rewrite my dating history so flagrantly. Germany didn't win World War II, Russia didn't land on the moon first, and I never thought of him as my boyfriend. You can't fuck with historical facts! What's next, is he going to tell me dinosaurs never existed? Or, that Gigli was a good movie? It's madness!

I want to leave this letter under the windshield wiper of his car:
Dear Sir,
(Kim) Deal with it: I'm not your ex!

I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are not my ex. Do you know what the word "ex" means? It's shorthand for either EX-BOYFRIEND or EX-GIRLFRIEND. You were never my boyfriend and I certainly was never your girlfriend! We barely dated. We saw each other for roughly three weeks; that doesn't magically make me your ex-girlfriend. You know why?

A: We went on less than five dates.
B: I never met any of your friends during those dates.
C: I never met any of your family members.
D: I never changed an online relationship status to reflect our courtship.
E: I never called you my boyfriend. We were two adults going out, sharing meals, and smooching. THAT'S IT!

Therefore, please stop telling everyone that I'm your ex because it's not true. Just say that I'm your friend. If you HAVE to communicate to someone that we went out in public together on almost five occasions, just say that we were seeing each other. Cool?

Shmitten Kitten
I'm not sure why he's so interested in being my ex anyway. There aren't any perks being in that club. It's not like he gets coupons to local establishments or a free sub at Subway. Really, it's no big whoop.


Anonymous said...

This drives me crazy, too.

A: We only saw each other on weekends- despite being available during the week.
B: After he taught me to drive a stick (after 4 months of dating), I said, "Thanks, I'll make it up to you by cooking you dinner." He said, "Don't worry, you'll thank me by giving me your $50 wii remote."
C: I was freaked out about driving the stick shift home after my first lesson and had a panic attack as I was leaving his house. He told me I could sit on the couch for 15 minutes and pull myself together, but then I had to leave.
D: Although he never actually dated anyone other than myself, he was actively pursuing other women on OkCupid.

After 6 months of dating him, I realized that it was going nowhere, so we stopped seeing each other. I told him this via IM conversation. He immediately began calling me his ex-girlfriend. No, sir, in order to be you ex-girlfriend, I would need to first be your girlfriend. If I did not reap the benefits of being your girlfriend, I refuse to have the stigma that comes along with being your ex.

Anonymous said...


Phil said...

If my dating past got me coupons from Subway, I'd feel a whole lot better about it.

Anonymous said...

Ugh, same thing happened to me. We dated for about 6 months. He literally told me he did not want a "relationship" but then as soon as I ended it, I was his "ex-girlfriend." I promptly sent a email, as much of our correspondence was over email - this should have been my first clue that it would never work - that he was not to call me his ex-girlfriend because he had not had the privilege of being my boyfriend in the first place and if he wanted to call me his ex, he should have grown some balls and made it official. Otherwise, we simply were two people who spent some time together, usually NOT on the weekends, when he was conveniently dating other people, ate food and sometimes slept together. End of story.

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