After I (36F) told my Dad and Stepmom (both late 50s) about my engagement and their response triggered me to suddenly remember years of repressed childhood memories and now I do not know how to move forward with our relationship.

relationship_advice Original
lalu014 5131 S 2019-07-19 19:45:04

Long post, but there's kind of a lot to this...

Repressed childhood memories coming back? I have heard of this happening but I honestly never thought I'd experience it and holy shit this has been jarring.

My Dad and stepmom have been together since I was age 3, so 33 years.

My childhood was a disaster zone. I have lost large chunks of time where it is a big blank area. I thought it was maybe because I had to take so much Benedryl as a kid because my allergies were so bad that I didn't remember much. Now I think the memory loss is mostly trauma-related. Dark murky memories would come up but I have had no real timeline of my childhood. My mom was married many (many) times and we moved a lot and she had a baby and then another baby and then two more babies. I can sometimes piece together a home we lived in, or what school I went to when, but it is all a blur. I was both my parents first child and the baby of teenage marriage. There was alcoholism and drug use and chaos. Somethings have always stood out... Like the time a stepdad put a gun to my mom's head. Or, my sister being born. Or, times when we had to move out fast and we were told to start throwing the things we wanted into garbage bags and put them into the car.

My mom and I were very close and I was kind of her copilot through all the crap. Crazy as our life was, I loved the hell out of her and she died 2 years ago from cancer. All in all, I have had a kind of hero through it - my dad.

About a year ago, my dad, stepmom and I were sitting outside around a backyard fire having drinks and real talk. He said something that surprised me, which was that I had lived with them as a kid for a period of about 4-5 years. This was news to me. I had not remembered living with them for that long at all. In my head, it was maybe 6 months. My dad was hurt I did not remember living with them. During that time, my stepmom apologized for being so mean to me during my childhood. I shrugged it off and joked, "Well, I guess its water under the bridge since I don't remember." She said, "no, I was really mean." And, I said, "It's okay. All of it has come around. We are good now."

Fast forward to two days ago. Over the weekend, the man I love got down on knees and asked me to marry him. Magical moment and we have been very happy. In fact, it's the first relationship I have ever felt safe in, but it takes work and effort for me to trust. I tell my Dad and stepmom the news and watch the whole thing turn and capsize. My dad makes a comment about how I had to beat my sister to a ring (my sister is their daughter/ my half-sister and is in a serious relationship that is also leading to marriage soon). I am struck. I do not feel competitive with my sister and she and I have always celebrated each other's victories. Then, my stepmom asks about where and when and I tell her it might be a year out and she starts making excuses about how she will not be able to go, not willing to go, but tells my dad he can go. I hear this and know my dad will not ever take a trip without her and start to panic that he will not come to my wedding. The comments pile and mount, one on top of the other, until my whole body is trembling. Although I have been sober for over a year suddenly I want nothing more than to drink. But, I do not drink and say everything is "fine" when asked and try to leave on a good note to make sense of my feelings in private.

Something that needs to be explained is that there has always been a strain with stepmom and me. I try hard to do things right, but I am scared of her and always have been. As an adult woman, she still scares me. She is incredibly controlling, powerful, dominating and it is hard. My tactic in avoiding being a target of her passive-aggressive behavior and anger is just to be super nice. Nice all the time. Smile. Swallow. Repeat.

When I came home from the engagement announcement, it was like the flood gates opened.

One memory cascades into another and another and another.

Suddenly I can recall being 7 and 10 and 12 and all the fear I had as a child in their home.

I remember how much she hated me. The name-calling. The scapegoating.

I remember sucking back tears and being told not to cry at all. I remember hearing all the time "You're fine."

I remember the secrets I had to keep about how mean she was. I remember walking down the hallway in our home and being pushed into another room while my dad watched TV in the living room and her whisper-screaming that I was a brat and a terrible child and was ruining her marriage and being told to say nothing to my dad.

I remembered she controlled my sleep habits. I have always slept on my stomach but she required that I slept on my side to face my little sister at night and would come into the room in the middle of the night and catch me on my stomach and wake me up to yell at me and tell me to go back on my side.

She controlled the relationship I had with my dad. We could not do anything she was not a part of, did not supervise, or control.

I remember being cornered again and again. I was targeted and she was after me and it was relentless.

I remember her sisters telling me how sorry they were and that is was not okay for me to be treated this way.

She was a relentless bully.

I remember my sister who is 7 years younger, always trying to protect me and shield me from her mom.

I remember being taunted and teased and made fun of.

I remember one time she yelled at me out front of our house and I got so scared I peed my pants and had to run inside and change.

I remember our neighbors saying that I was safe in their home and if I ever made a mistake in their house they would not tell my stepmom.

I remember when I left my dad and stepmom's house to move back with my mom that they took down all my photos from the walls and told me they would be fostering or adopting a kid to fill my place.

When I moved back with my mom life changed and was chaotic in the way it was with my mom so I think I just forgot all of this stuff and kept going.

But with this sudden flash of remembering everything now, there is just anger. Layers and layers of anger. Anger that my dad did not stand up for me. Anger about what they knew, but I did not. A huge sense of abandonment. What the hell is this? How can I have forgotten all of this? How does it just sweep from view?

In my head, I rage at her and the main thing I say is, "Guess what? Now I remember."

I sent them a text. A sheepish way to confront it, but for once I stood up for myself. It was very hard and my whole body quaked and trembled. They did not respond.

The thing is... they have been trying in the past few years. They moved to my state. They want a relationship with me. She did apologize back in the yard that day. I know my dad loves me and tried in his own way to protect me. I don't think I will get any sense of accountability from them. But, now it's like this mystery has unlocked inside me. I always felt unsafe around her. I never felt like even when she has been nice to me as an adult like I could trust her. Now I know why.

I think I am about to lose this last remaining chunk of parents I had. My mom is gone and I have continued to work through all the things that happened with her and will head back to therapy to deal with the rest...

My sister asked what I want to come of all of this. Why put it all towards them? What kind of battle am I setting out to wage? And, I really don't know. I didn't see this coming and I am at a loss. I feel guilty for bringing this up. Like, I am going to wreck the family. But I am also furious. I want them to have to hear it all from me. I want to ask my dad what he did and did not know. I want her confession. I feel like I can already hear my dad telling me not to be so dramatic, and yet, I feel like I will not be able to stuff this one back in.

How can I rehash something that I only now remember? Is it worth it to even try or do I just salvage a fake relationship for the sake of having one?

I feel bad about feeling sorry for myself. Is there anything that will come from holding them accountable or am I just headed down a path of anger and victimhood? I wonder if we can even have a relationship from here...

TL;DR: I recently told my dad and stepmom I was getting engaged. My dad brought up my sister's likely engagement immediately and completely derailed my news. My stepmom said she wouldn't be coming to my wedding. It brought up years of bullying from my stepmom and neglect from my dad that I had forgotten all about. Now I do not know if I can or want to have a relationship with them and feel insanely guilty for even bringing it up.

Edit/Update: Wow. This went...

I figured this would be my own private story/rant for a few eyes in a corner of Reddit. I did not expect this response. I've been battling with wanting to take it down now. My fiance has encouraged me not to. I've been panicking that my parents will see this. I do not want to hurt them. There is no part of me that wants that. Even in anger. I just want them to know and be honest, without downplaying what it actually was. Not sure that will happen. Pretty unlikely, but its a want. As for what to do about it. I will head off to EMDR and have a handful of referrals for Monday. I will take the "Damaged Old Person's" advice (thank you) and move slowly here and get help and not go scorched earth just yet.

Thanks for the help, encouragement, and congrats.

As for my partner, which a few posts have asked about... I think he has been a huge reason this is coming out. I think the security of our home and relationship, plus lack of booze as a coping strategy, has meant that now there is the opportunity to actually feel things? I dunno. New territory. He has been hugely supportive in all areas of my life. He is sober, too. A processor. A thoughtful person and we have sat and read some of the responses together and appreciated the insights and conversation.

As for those questioning validity of my memories, or repressed childhood stuff? New territory also. Like I said at the top, I had heard of this but didn't know it was an actual thing till I was in it. I can only speak to my experience right now as it is occurring and it's been like a download of fresh information complete with recalling my home, surroundings, time of day, where I stood, where others stood, facial expressions, tone, who was there, what was said... So, no my brain didn't just fabricate a false set of memories. I feel the truth of all of these things in my core. This stuff was in me and there is not a question of its reality. The blanks have just been filled in. It feels like a very unfortunate Aha moment.

Thanks for all of those who have shared their own personal stories of hardship and pain... Man, some of us have walked some really tough roads. I'm sorry for you all, too. Someone shared a link to an article about how isolating abuse is. It's true. Makes me feel crazy. There is a strange solace in knowing others are out there powering through their own pain, too. Take good care.



I remember being taunted and teased and made fun of.





shybonobo 3686 G x 2 2h17m

Hi ! Old damaged person here.

I have one piece of advice, which is to let it sit a while. Think it over. Allow your initial reaction to crest and recede. Then decide what to do. Otherwise all the buried hurt will come boiling out and it will go badly.

As for what to actually do? Parents are overrated. I know, I'm one of them. Build a strong family of your own and don't worry about them. They sucked when it mattered and now they're good when it doesn't matter.

[deleted] 1014 3h58m


ladylee233 271 10h4m

Wow this is the best description of therapy I've ever seen.

[deleted] 195 S 10h14m


helloitsmesatan 52 11h8m

I loved reading this. I do the same thing lol. I did attend therapy for a couple years when I was on my parents sweet sweet health plan. But now I’m poor so I just Thera-pize myself like you described above. And I do find it super helpful when I’m getting a bit fixated on the negative.

Ladyofworries 16 12h17m

The problem with therapy is that you need the tight therapist for you. You need a click. I have done thing similar to you and treated myself. I did go to therapy to ask for med so i could treat myself with a clearer head

sawdustandfleas 4 13h36m

That’s literally the exact thing my therapist did with me to deal w/ some PTSD issues I had. The exact thing. And it helped in a huge way so you have an amazing intuition about it even though you haven’t participated in it. I’m v impressed!

depressed-salmon 2 15h59m

Sounds like you yourself would actually make a great therapist tbh.

Also one thing to add, saying thoughts out loud can help you see them for what they really are, I think because it uses a different part of your brain so you see it in a different way. Maybe that could be incorporated into your self help? Just an extra tool for your journey :)

apartment13 1 14h22m

I do the same!

QuestioningLife344 0 12h29m

Hey, if you ever need a chat I'm open, I might not be a therapist but I'm a relatively good listener and if you need some advice, I've been told I'm good at that too. PM me if you wanna chat, ok?

[deleted] 1 1d10h9m


QuestioningLife344 1 1d12h50m

Ah, yes alright. I just meant if you ever had a problem where you might need the insight of someone else; also, the good thing about talking to strangers over the internet is who can they tell? No one that matters to you. Anyways, I'm glad you've resolved your issues by yourself

IsaacM42 20 10h39m

that plus learning how to be intimate with someone when you've had trauma that's taken that ability away

Crafty_Birdie 25 12h9m

It’s one aspect of therapy, but it’s not all of it. A good therapist is also a quasi parental figure who can provide the mirroring and guidance which an abused child missed out. They provide a healthy role model and positive regard and acceptance, and they allow us to experience a healthy relationship and begin to understand how to work through issues in a relationship in a healthy way.

Though, this does all depend on them having been through good therapy themselves - which not all of them have.

[deleted] 1 1d10h28m


Crafty_Birdie 1 1d11h16m

It didn’t for me, so I added it.

saucychossy 9 13h4m

I would also recommend EMDR, a type of trauma therapy.

goblinchick 1 15h49m

Fantastic metaphor!

[deleted] 0 15h27m


Draigdwi 96 11h17m

I wouldn't call OP's parents "good", simply they can't cause that much damage any more. But they are trying: did try to guilt trip her about her engagement vs her sister's engagement (why does the sequence matter in such a very personal matter, everybody does get engaged/married when and if they want, not to mention sister is 7 years younger, wouldn't be such a big surprise if she gets engaged a bit later), the parents basically told her they are sabotaging the wedding.

Dexippos 139 11h45m

This right here. They haven't changed a bit, from what I can see. Her own dad giving her grief about what should be happy news for any parent, and for such a non-issue? Having to wait for a seven year younger sister before you can make any move? Stepmum immediately refusing to attend the wedding? It shows that her recent "apology" is at best completely insincere. And if the dad didn't agree with the stepmum back in the day and tried to protect OP, frankly he did a terrible job of it, while even the neighbours knew what was really going on.

duderancherooni 10 17h21m

Yep this, the only thing that’s changed is the power dynamic. Abusive parents tend to shift the way they treat you when they realize you can just walk away from the relationship because you’re an adult and not a child who is depending on them.

CaRiSsA504 68 10h29m

This is good advice

/u/lalu014 your feelings of wanting to confront and rage at your dad and step mom are from you wanting to protect the little girl you were then. You want to do what you couldn't do then. You want to stand up for yourself.

But you do need to simmer first. You aren't that child any more. And they aren't the same people they were two decades ago either.

There is no backwards, only forwards. So while maybe at some point you do need to sit down with them and talk about this, you should do it right. Not the way you are now with all the emotions bubbling over.

Get a journal, write it all down. Get a therapist. Go on a long car ride in the middle of no where with some loud music and scream it out.

But get yourself under control first. Then decide what you want and what you need. Go from there.

abigalligator 58 11h22m

I was lucky enough to meet a therapist who took me through all the scenarios where I needed protection as a little girl, and essentially had to envision adult me protecting child me, nurturing her, soothing her, etc. it was so powerful, it taught me that I could actually be a really good parent where I had previously assumed I’d just repeat my own mothers mistakes. Turned out to be one of the most important things I did in my adult life.

Artichoke_Heart_ 17 10h48m

Maybe talk with them with a mediator/therapist present.

CaRiSsA504 13 10h51m

yes, this. I meant to mention that. A family counseling session or two would not hurt at all

Dawnchathink 51 6h25m

40s female with some similarities in my past to the OP and THIS, 100%.

Sergeant_J_Doakes 21 12h33m


Never heard of it described like that before, but it's a very good description.

CuteThingsAndLove 14 12h4m

They arent even being good now.

I_Like_Kled_Quotes 9 12h21m

This op. Fuck your parents, you have a life without them.

Start your own family.

mcobsidian101 7 14h11m

I knew a girl who had a very messed up childhood. She would often confess messed up stuff while drunk, often involving abusive relatives and mum's boyfriends.

The mistake she made/probably still makes is repressing it all. Putting a facade of smiles and happiness, when in reality she's always sad. Another friend stayed at her house and she apparently just cried all the time, she'd have loud sex to show she was happy and in a healthy relationship (that's just a theory, she would never admit to it).

The key is to be open with yourself and your past, don't hide it and repress it. Let it hurt, because you'll be able to move past it one day

Probablyidkthough 6 10h34m

Perfect comment.

djluzclaritaa 6 13h50m

This is the best advice I’ve seen so far. It took me about 4-5 years to build up the courage to confront my mother about my childhood traumas. And then another few years to deal with the disappointment of her reaction and complete denial of very real events when I did finally confront her.

Be prepared to accept the apology you will never get (based on step moms recent behavior she hasn’t really changed, and her fireside apology the other day wasnt that sincere). Old people have a way of blocking out memory the same way children do. Only difference is, they’re more content keeping it buried until death. They’ve most likely sugar coated their memories of the way they parented, and are likely to be defensive or depressingly passive when confronted.

Ultimately the thing that helped me the most with my anger was learning and understanding what kind of childhood my mother had. When I learned about her own trauma it made it much easier to empathize and forgive her. I’ve been able to accept it all, and no longer waste energy on the anger. I have a “She was fucked up mentally, but did the best she can” attitude.

Good luck, OP. And congratulations! Edit:spelling and grammar, added advice at end.

fragobren 6 15h2m

Except, they aren't even good now, and have already threatened to not attend the wedding because they are spinning it as a competition with the step sister. I think she should just sever.

vampire-emt 4 13h11m

This guy knows what's up.

c-digs 4 15h38m

Parents are overrated

Came to post the same exact thing; glad to see it in first post.

sifx0276 2 13h55m

If you decide to have no more contact with them, accept that for some primal reason, it can be extremely hard. The best way and also most safe way for yourself is cold turkey.

WhatAreWeButAThey 2 16h41m

I needed to read this as well. Thank you.

evacia 1 16h55m

this advice is seriously awesome

GaiasDotter 1 18h20m

Yes, but I’ll also point out that while your stepmom apologized to you op, she also then turned around and started up the same shit again with her response to your engagement.

I’d also like to point out your dads comment about how you just had to beat your sister to a ring. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

While your sister is in a serious relationship that may be heading to marriage... so are you! And! You are seven years older than her, how is this not expected or at least not unexpected? And love, it was your dad that made that comment. Not your stepmom... that has a deeper meaning, I’m sorry but that definitely shows that your dad isn’t innocent and properly wasn’t unaware of what happened between you and your stepmom, he might not have known everything but he just showed that their daughter is more important than the one that just his, you. Or at least that’s how I’m interpreting it. Maybe he said it jokingly and was just a bit clumsy with his words? I don’t know, I wasn’t there, you were. But if he wasn’t then that means that he isn’t seeing this, your engagement, as something for you, a part of your life, a celebratory moment for you, but instead he sees it as something you are doing to your sister. Even when she doesn’t. And that’s really fucked up if that’s the case.

It’s really worrisome if they see you as in relation to your sister first, as your sisters enemy before they see you as your own person, as their daughter, your own person separate from your sister. It’s a major problem if they always see your sister when they look at you, and actually place her above you, of more importance, so that everything related to you, is first and immediately analyzed through that lense of your sister being of more importance and prioritized before you and every and anything in your life. Maybe I’m reading to much into it, maybe I’m just being colored by my own experiences. I grew up in a similar situation. Not as obvious as yours, and it wasn’t my stepmom but my actual biomom. And like you I saw my mom as the villain and my dad as my hero, and it wasn’t healthy at all. My dad isn’t innocent just because he wasn’t the active abusive part. Because he not only failed to protect me but he actively enabled it by allowing it to happen and I’m so got damned fucked up by it. The abuse I suffered were (mostly) emotional neglect and favoritisms for my siblings, (that shit ain’t nothing! It’s incredibly harmful and toxic) so that comment about beating you sister to it hits very close to home and it reminds me of how my siblings were always more important. Not just to the point that they had to get before me but to the point were I couldn’t be allowed to revive anything if it could in any way seen as negative for them, they always have to better than be in every way because they are above me, my accomplishments aren’t accomplishments of mine but something I’m maliciously doing to them (to harm them) if it in any way can be perceived as beating them at something. Like your engagement, you didn’t revive something nice, you did something bad to your sister, you didn’t have a happy thing happening to you, in your life! No, you took something from your sister. Something that was rightfully hers, that she was entitled to. She is the one that deserves good things, happiness and such and you can only be allowed to have it if she does first! If she already have it. That’s incredibly wrong and twisted and toxic and unhealthy and an abnormal why to see things. And that kind of twisted, abnormal behavior and viewpoint doesn’t come over night, it takes time to form. And sure it could have been an innocent, clumsy joke, but it doesn’t sound like there were any celebration or happiness for you following and that makes it quite unlikely that this was the case.

I needed at least one parent that loved me, that saw me, that was on my side. So I made my dad the hero, the innocent one. It took a very long time to start seeing the reality of it. He wasn’t innocent, he wasn’t the hero, he never had my back, he never protected me, while he wasn’t actively doing or saying things, actively participated in the emotional neglect I suffered, he was actually equally responsible for it, he was equally doing it to me. Because he was never even there! He was always working or helping his parents working for them after his full time job so he wasn’t even physically present. He neglected not only me but all of his children and his wife. And he isn’t nice or kind or whatever, he is a coward. People always tell me what a kind person my dad is. But he isn’t, he basically never say unkind thing, but not because he is kind but because he is a coward that jut lets things happen and lets things slide. That isn’t kindness, not actively being unkind does not equal kind, because neither is he actively kind nor openly. When I have been in rough places financially in the past he has given me money, seems kind right? But he have always done so secretly, do that mom wouldn’t see or find out, because he couldn’t even stand up for me in those situations, when I went months without any income because they weren’t giving me my pay on time and they wouldn’t actually look into it and fix the issues so I could get the money they owed me, for months. He hid it so that mom wouldn’t berate me and degrade me for a issue that wasn’t my fault at all and then forbid him from helping me. Even if I just asked to borrow money to pay the rent and necessities, just until my payment would come, shell throw a huge tantrum about how irresponsible and lazy I am, the point being that I’m useless and no good. And sure, dad would convince her to let him borrow me the money but he never defended me, he never corrected her, never did or said anything about the completely unfair accusations. He let her call me lazy while I had been doing my best working to earn an income and continuing to work even when I wouldn’t revive any pay because they fucked up and didn’t really care. I still, all lazily and irresponsibly, continued to show up and work so that I would eventually get my money, to earn it as backpay at least. I just needed help to keep afloat until that backpay eventually arrived. So yeah. I’m relating a lot, I know what it’s like to be put down and attacked and abused by a parent, I even know what it’s like when one parent does that and the other just sits back and does nothing. The betrayal that makes you feel. The pain of it, and the longing and hope for change, the hope that at least the passive parent isn’t the same, that at least one of them really truly loves you. But it’s a harmful hope, it’s harmful to hold on to the idea of the passive one being innocent or on your side. Because if they don’t even try to defend you they aren’t. They are making the aggressor more important than you and your feeling. They are choosing to not rock the boat over your happiness. They are actively choosing to let you be hurt rather than risking a uncomfortable confrontation. They are saying that your suffering is better, a minor consequence compared to her having any responsibility for her behavior/actions, they are saying that allowing her to feel justified and in the right is more important than you not hurting, her not feeling righteous and justified would be worse than you being hurt, than your pain and sadness. Allowing her to feel justified and righteous is more important than supporting you, than protecting you, it is more important than you, than your entire person, a small non harmful, negative feeling, possibly just not even negative just not positive, is more important than you. It takes away your value, it is an incredibly severe and damaging thing to do to someone. But being aware of it, or the impact and importance of it, that gives you hope. It gives you a chance to counter it, to heal, to battle that message and refuse to accept it as truth. They are wrong, know it, own that truth and you can heal. And you can have a relationship that’s not harmful, if you want to. It might not be the one you want, but accept reality and you can decide if what you get is worth it, if that’s something you’ll accept.

Your sister probably doesn’t understand, even if she cares for you it is hard for someone to understand what it’s like and how it affects the victim to be exposed to this kind of thing. Many people struggle to grasp the severity and the impact of psychological or emotional abuse. They fail to understand that it’s not something one can just choose to not care about, they fail to understand that it’s not incomparable to physical abuse. I’m so sorry for you, that you had to endure this, that you’re faced with it all now. I wish you all the best and huge congratulations on the engagement! Feel free to reach out if you want to talk.

brandonomule96 1901 7m

My advice is you don’t need them as parents. What you describe tells me she was never a parent to you to begin with she was a controller and abuser. Invite your sister to your wedding but not them if your father chooses someone who abused his child over his own child then you don’t need him either you have all the family you need with your sister and husband

brandonomule96 558 9m

I wish you the best going forward. Please do remember friend none of this is your fault and it’s your right to cut her out of your life she has no claim to you or your life

lalu014 441 4h17m

Thank you. I appreciate your words and everyone else here that took the time to read this long post. It is cathartic and helpful.

phiacakes86 47 8h46m

Honestly, whenever I remember something that happened in the past whether it was traumatic or fills me with rage or both, I have to push myself outside my feelings and ask myself, if bringing this up now is going to help me or hurt me? If bringing it up and confronting the person or persons who hurt me will give me some kind of peace or validation, and that’s what I need, then that is what I’ll do. Even if they don’t acknowledge what happened, even if they lie to my face, they’ll know I KNOW what really happened and they can’t take that away.

And, sometimes if I look back and decide that bringing it up will only hurt me, then I look to my therapist for a way for it to not be able to hurt me anymore. Either way, I don’t pretend it never happened, I just decide for myself how I’m going to handle it.

This choice is up to you and you have more than the options I’ve offered from my own experiences. Also, most importantly, none of this was your fault. None.

I hope whatever you choose to do, you do for you. You got this.

Rosycheeks2 3 11h54m

Sage advice, thank you.

nightforday 11 11h50m

I really feel for you. From an objective point of view, it's probably good that you remember now, because I'm guessing that's the way for you to truly heal, though I'm also guessing you wish you'd never remembered. In a sort of similar way, my dad died a few years ago; I despised him for most of my life, and still do, and I never understood why I hated him so intensely. I've always wondered if there are memories I'm repressing, and I honestly don't want to know.

As for your dad and stepmother, do NOT feel guilty for bringing it up. They were supposed to care for you when you were a child and make you feel loved, and they failed. Miserably. I think you have every right to confront them with this now if you want to. Maybe just laying it all out there will be enough. It's up to you if you want to continue a relationship with them, but you're under no obligation whatsoever to do so just because they're family. Clearly, the relationship with your stepmom is toxic; the fact that her immediate response to your getting engaged was basically "I can't won't go" says everything. What a fucking load of bullshit. It definitely sounds like she needs to be cut out of your life.

As for your dad...that's up to you. And remember, you're getting a new family now, a family you chose: your future husband. I'm hoping you get along with the rest of his family as well so you get a sense of what it's like to belong and feel loved. Family, to me, isn't people who let you live in their house and gave you food: It's the people you can trust with your life and your problems, and the ones with whom you want to share your happiness. Sometimes those things overlap, but often they don't.

It might help you to sit down and write out a long letter detailing your memories and how you feel about them now. It's difficult to do in person for several reasons, but especially because emotions get in the way. Be as angry or as matter-of-fact as you choose. You're not at all selfish or wrong for bringing it up, and getting it out and letting them know might be all you actually want to accomplish with this. Obviously it can't be undone, but you've survived and moved on and found your own happiness. Writing it out could be a symbolic way of getting the poison out of yourself and returning it to the person who gave it to you in the first place.

Congratulations on your engagement, and my very best wishes for future happiness with your new husband. I hope you have a wonderful life with him. xx

happuning 1 14h16m

Have your sister be your maid of honor and/or walk you down the aisle, OP. She was the only one who stood up for you when you needed it the most.

Silvergirl7 1831 7m

Professional therapy

mementomori4 341 1h27m

EMDR might be helpful at some point.

808HaolePino 353 4h3m

This was one of the only things that helped me after I remembered my mom used to throw a blanket over me to “trap me” before she’d start beating me. I had a flashback when my husband threw the blanket over me so he could be the one to get the last Hagen Daas.

OP please consider this. I thought I would die from the sadness and grief I felt after that wave of memories hit me. I am stronger now because I was able to actually be allowed to remember and be sad without being told not to tell my dad or it would happen again.

lalu014 272 4h21m

I have heard this about EMDR and a friend I opened up to suggested it today. Thanks for sharing some of your personal perspectives. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I love when I can learn of a story of growth from grief. Best.

pl0ur 75 5h18m

You may also want to look into Somatic Experiencing therapy. Trauma gets trapped in the body and since you still may not remember a lot of it SE might be helpful too.

Magatron5000 8 10h6m

I also support you getting EMDR therapy. I’m sorry that you have had to go through this mess. I really hope things get better for you and you can feel safe in the future

juliejetson 4 14h59m

I'm a little over a year into EMDR with my therapist for recovery from a similar childhood. I can't over-emphasize how much it has helped. And you realize how growing up this way still touches your life in so many ways. It's like I can't unsee what I've seen now, but I make such healthier decisions than I did before. Best of luck.

aaaaaahsatan 1 16h46m

EMDR improved the quality of my life tenfold after a neglectful childhood with a mentally ill single parent. I cannot recommend it enough. I've been told it doesn't work for everyone, though. There are definitely other types of cognitive behavioral therapy programs that could help reprocess trauma, too.

punnyenough 1 20h56m
sunnylandification 8 9h48m

im currently going to sessions for my ptsd, still nothing yet but my therapist is very hopeful. ive only had two sessions so far

aaaaaahsatan 1 16h49m

It took me about 6 months before I started to notice anything having four sessions a month. At 8 months in, I finished the program and I felt free. It's an ongoing process and progress is also not linear. My therapist had told me it can take up to a year to complete EMDR.

Impressive_Client 167 1h36m

I did that and it fucking worked. I beat a serious, 12 year cocaine addiction cold turkey after doing EMDR.

housegiraffe 4 15h53m

Um, that is exactly what i need. 13 years here.

Edit: also history of not remembering any of my childhood, trauma, etc. Not like its a cure all for cocaine addiction lol.

Yosemite_Pam 26 7h1m

EMDR saved my life.

_Conservative_Hippy_ 22 8h58m

What is EMDR?

GoatMaaaam 118 9h9m

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. When you read about it, it sounds like a crack pot thing that should not work. But there are scads of studies that it does. To dumb it down a lot, you move your eyes from side to side while thinking about a hard memory and talking to a therapist. Your memory "processes" again and you feel less traumazed. I swear it works. But it sounds nuts.

gayzedandconfused42 35 10h5m

My therapist uses buzzers that you hold in your hands. They also have alternating lights on them but we’ve only used them in one session. Apparently I’m one of the first times she had to do that because one of my memories was so stubborn!

vegemitebikkie 13 10h38m

I tried this for my ptsd. Ended up with a migraine for three days after an hour of following a ball on a stick back and forth with my eyes super fast.

himetampopo 3 15h19m

The current theory is reprocessing through bilateral stimulation. I get migraines from light, so I said so before we started and I was offered other stimulus (hand buzzers, tapping by the therapist, headphones and pictorial panels) and I opted for the buzzers. I put them under my knees so I can grab tissues as needed and it works well for me. My eyes stay closed most of the session, it helps. I do have an EMDR specialized therapist, so that might be making a difference, there are technique conferences they attend because it does change a bit yearly.

billofkites 2 11h18m

This seems so odd to me. I’ve heard of recounting memories over and over again so that you feel almost bored of it but what’s the point of involving the ball and eye movements?

vegemitebikkie 2 11h20m

I really don’t know. Felt like it scrambled my brains but the feelings were still the same.

billofkites 1 11h21m

Huh, okay. I hope you’ve received some more helpful treatment!

vegemitebikkie 2 11h22m

Not yet. Can’t afford it. But plan on it within the next year. Just not this kind of therapy lol

billofkites 2 11h22m

I’m sorry to hear that but at least you’ll know what not to try this time around!

brew_sip_conquer 2 11h23m

It’s something about how the brain reprocesses the memory by utilizing both hemispheres. I’m also an advocate of EMDR!

betterintheshade 2 12h9m

There is actually very little quality research on this and a huge push to have it accepted as an effective treatment. Most of the studies had very few people, showed a minimal effect or did not control for researcher bias. At best EDMR is as effective as existing therapies for trauma. That's not to say that it doesn't work, just that they jury's out.

CircuitousWall 20 7h31m

I second, third and fourth EMDR. Very, very good results for me regarding trauma.

lalu014 282 4h18m

Absolutely. Top of my list and noted.

ApplesSpace 81 9h37m

EMDR was recommended to me for previous trauma. I was evaluated by the EMDR certified therapist and she told me she didn’t think it would help based on my developed coping mechanisms and we worked on another treatment program for me. So even if EMDR isn’t for you, there’re other options out there. Good luck, OP.

four_oclock_flower 16 13h5m

I found Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy to be the best way for me to successfully process my trauma. After 13 therapists over 25 years (I was tenacious and compliant, but this was just such a different approach that it had a vastly different effect on me), I was able to evolve into a more whole, better functioning human being. I was able to become the me I had always wanted to be. It doesn't mean I have relationships with every toxic member of my family, but I handle that and other challenges in a significantly healthier and more productive manner.

I wish you the very best ❤

jeffdeleon 9 14h6m

Me and my wife both experienced a lot of child abuse. My wife’s situation is a lot like yours.

Reading your post was hard for me because... you’re like us but younger. I wish there were more I could do to help you than write this post.

I personally don’t remember most of the abuse until something brings it up and she avoids thinking about it until a triggering event like this occurs.

We are both seeing the same therapist and it is helping so much.

I cut the toxic family members out of my life completely— no contact. I feel so much better. My wife is too kind and her parents were very young so she is more forgiving. She feels better too and has laid down boundaries. Some of the rules she set, we both expected her parents to leave or go crazy, but they are doing better than expected.

We married five years ago before we got help. In some ways our parents were allowed to ruin our wedding day. I deeply regret letting a day where we should have been focused on each other become about them.

My wife’s mom brought her newest step dad and a “close friend” who she started dating soon after to our wedding. At the same time. Ugh. My father brought an underdressed woman and danced up a storm trying to make everything about him. My aunt tried to confront my dad about a money situation while at my wedding and made sure to explain it to me the morning of my wedding. Every narccistic parent made some demand, whether it be a huge guest list or something else.

Please do better than us and get help sooner. For me, it took my second try before I had a therapist who stopped trying to insist on group counseling or something useless. Be brutally honest with them about what you want and if you think what they are doing is getting you there.

I mentioned my parents, but not the abusive friendships I was in because my parents taught me that was normal.

One of my groomsmen woke me and my wife up the night after our wedding. He had tried to make a pass at my sister who threw a drink on him. He got the location of our room from the one bridesmaid who knew to tell us off and say he wasn’t our friend any more He also tried to say my sister had stolen his backpack and that’s why he couldn’t leave. It ended up being in his car. I loved this friend and spent the night crying after one of the bridesmaids drove him home to prevent drunk driving.

We slept late and missed having breakfast with everyone who came to our wedding.

I didn’t get therapy til I was 27. Ugh. It has changed every part of my life.

punnyenough 1 20h58m

For complex/ongoing trauma that you've had, somatic experiencing would probably be the better choice.

el_danquistador 1 12h42m

My first reaction too. This is heartbreaking.

EatUnicornBacon -1 15h9m

Professional therapy doesn't accept repressed memories as valid.

Silvergirl7 1 16h55m

You are wrong. Check into The international Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation.

EatUnicornBacon 1 15d0h1m

The international Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation had to pay 10.6 Million in 1999 for their actions regarding repressed memories in 1995, as well as a loss of medical license for the groups leader, Bennett Braun. That group is not a valid source.

EatUnicornBacon 1 18d17h45m

That sure shut you up.

Shadox19 -2 14h29m


Silvergirl7 1 16h55m

87 now thank you very much.

Wizardrywanderingwoo 596 1h45m

Forgive me for ignoring the big crux of this issue, but I'm stalled at: what's her angle here? They've been 'trying' to better their relationship with you. But then you give happy news and she makes a baseless claim of sisterly competition and immediately can't attend? Why? What does she still hold against you now? Why? Obviously she harbors some bullshit reasoning as to why she dislikes you so much and she's got to skate by thus far on your inability to remember the early days of her abuse. But this was an out, she didn't have to say she was unable to attend. She's choosing to still be a shitty person to you.

lalu014 310 4h26m

You have hit on one of the more confusing aspects and I think why this made it all come up and out... It's still the same behavior from both, really. That is why I am kind of at a loss where faith in any change is concerned. Feels like if we are going to remain a family and spend time together then I will have to accept the underhanded comments that I have always been aware of. Thanks for pointing this out it helps me feel less crazy.

our_serendipity 255 4h46m

The scariest part to me is actually how she might treat your children. You are an adult now & can defend yourself, but back then when you were a child you couldn't. I wonder if she would try the same stuff with your kids. Or if you & your sister both have kids she might always treat your sister's children better than yours. Something to consider

Wizardrywanderingwoo 25 8h14m

I agree that her biological daughter's children would likely always rank higher, but I doubt she would harm OP's children - not because she's not capable, but they aren't a perceived threat like OP was/is. OP was a connection from her husband to her husband's ex, also someone she had to share her husband's attention with. Sharing that attention with her own child isn't the same, it's not seen as a competition.

abeazacha 69 10h19m

If she saw a simple marriage party as an issue, do you really thinks she will not see his grandkids from his first daughter as a threat? Nah, this kids def have to stay away from this woman.

mentallyerotic 28 10h19m

A lot of times they treat the scapegoat’s kids badly. Or they single out grandkids to repeat the behavior. My husband had a similar relationship with his stepmom and dad and they treated our kids badly so we cut contact. They treat their daughter’s children way different just like with their own daughters when my husband was a child. When our first was born his stepmom told us she wasn’t beautiful because only her daughters were beautiful. I’ve never seen someone compare and infant to young adults before. That’s just the tip of the iceberg. My own dad treats my nephew better than my niece and my children. My mom tries to pull the same stuff she did to me to my oldest. This stepmom did horrible things to OP. She can’t even be happy for her as an adult. She’s way beyond the evil stepmom trope and petty jealousies. My SMIL always made references about blood ties so I think they see the grandchildren of their step-kids the same way.

totorox 4 16h38m

child abusers are compulsive, they dont need to feel threatened in order to act out

GoodQueenFluffenChop 21 6h31m

It's probably optics. She looks better if she seems like a caring stepmom especially since even in your own words your mom was chaotic and unfortunately also now has passed.

Smol_Daddy 13 10h23m

She's getting older and she no longer has the energy and strength to manhandle you. You're an adult so she can't yell at you anymore.

You have your sister and your husband. They're your family.

ElorianRidenow 9 10h58m

Someone else wrote something along the lines of: being not there when it matters and being there when it doesn't. This has never changed. So the only thing you can depend on is, that you cannot depend on them when it matters.

My take on wedding invitations is this: If somebody declines, they are usually out of your life one way or another. They do not want to be part of your life, not really. It is similar for people that expect to be invited, but are not. (It is okay to not be invited because of budget, never held a grudge about that!)

The big problem seems to be, that your parents (all of them) have kind of warped your sense of "normal" to their convenience. You accept / are not aware of things, I'd lose by effing mind over.

Please try therapy. You need to calmly think many things over and put everything into a new context. I'm really sorry... This is hard.. But I think you can do this!

betterintheshade 4 12h34m

It sounds like your stepmom has always been in competition with you (or maybe your mother via you) and it sounds like your father may have stoked that. Now you've beaten her daughter to the aisle so she's reacted by trying to punish you like she used to.

My advice, like other's, is to go to therapy so you can process what it means to grow up with someone like that. It can impact things, like your memory, that you would never suspect. Your body remembers though, it's why you tease up and shut down emotionally around her. Do you want to feel like that on your wedding day? You described her as a pretty threatening presence, you don't need that in your life. You're grown up so you get to choose now.

Miaksye 2 13h15m

That’s what I call incoherence in behavior from their part. They made the impression that they were “good” and having a nice relationship with you but as soon as faced with the need to act on it they back up and the abusive behavior reappears. It’s totally normal that you are confused, you should be!

whirlntwirl 1 12h48m

Even if they want to change, change is hard especially for when you're older and your habits are so ingrained. If you can find a way to call them out on it, even through text message so they can start to think about how their behaviour affects you then maybe it can shift things in the right direction? Or show their true colours...

riricide 1 13h53m

I would not be surprised if this show of trying is simply because they need to make sure they have support and care in their old age. The way she immediately reacted to the wedding plan is so telling of her real feelings.

You are completely justified in bringing up past issues whether or not there is a resolution to them. For you to feel safe in the relationship they have to acknowledge what they did and that it was wrong. But the way they reacted I would not expect them to change at all. Clearly you are still expected to somehow deprioritize yourself completely for the sake of your sister. The bullshit about beating your sister to the engagement is no different from making you sleep sideways to look at her.

abnruby 1 17h7m

I want to say first of all, that none of this is your fault. You are valid in both your feelings now and in any reaction to this new information.

I think this is precisely why you should limit your contact and get with your therapist before speaking with your father/stepmother. I fear that if you confront them with this information now, they may attempt to justify this behavior in a way that's harmful to you.

There is no justification for their behavior.

Your only job now is to protect yourself from further harm. You do not owe them any explanations for distancing yourself and working through this in a way that is safe for you. By working with a therapist, you can not only explore these memories in a safe way, you can also solidify your own needs and boundaries going forward. The fact that your step mother acknowledges her behavior and believes that an "I'm sorry" is sufficient does not bode well for her level of self awareness/does not indicate that she understands the gravity of what she's done. You deserve total validation and unreserved apology.

wishthiswascooler 93 2h53m

This is a really good point. Just because the beast is sleeping doesn't mean it's gone away. She still is capable of doing all those bad things to you. You left her house and she stopped for a bit but if you give her space in your life she will pick up again. She will say those horrivle things, guilt you and manipulate you. If you're going to maintain a relationship, please do it carefully.

Semisanejane 51 3h23m

She sounds like one of those women who are jealous of their spouses children they had prior to them. Ive been seeing alot of stories about that kind of thing on reddit lately. It very sad and quite frankly pathetic to take out your insecurities on a child. She sounds like a narcissist or a sociopath! I'd cut her out completely and if your dad will not take some responsibility for letting her into your life and enabling her abuse I would cut him out as well.

monstermashslowdance -8 9h50m

Yeah let’s just diagnose a total stranger. What could go wrong?

Litaita 1 1d19h11m

There's no 'why' with abusers and narcissists. They just do it.

idkwhattoputhere2218 352 S 58m

The best way to process repressed memories is with a therapist. When I first had some of my childhood I did not get any kind of acknowledgement from my mother and it made me feel crazy. Don’t expect them to validate you, because you do not need them. Love yourself. Therapy can be extremely important and so helpful for things like this. When and if they do want to acknowledge their wrong doings, that’s cool. But don’t expect it because you do not need their approval or validation for you to be okay and to function. ❣️

shakti-1 19 1h23m

Wise advice

[deleted] 221 1h43m

You just said your stepmom was making excuses not to attend your wedding, which doesn't have a set date and is in a year. And that if she doesn't go your dad won't.

What do you mean they are trying and want a relationship with you? Seriously?

DOBLNEGATE 15 13h20m

This exactly. if you can't even feel comfortable to talk to them (especially your dad), what is the point of having them as family.

rockawola 7 14h41m

This. Those parents think they are trying to fix the relationship. But the only thing they are really doing is trying to shut their demons up in order to feel better about themselves: guilt, shame and cowardy. This is nothing about their dauther. This is about them realizing they were real shitty parents and feeling true shame.

Good news are they probably aren't narcissists since they can feel a bit of shame. But that doesn't mean they are no more heavy toxic people.

KarbonRodd 98 G 3h3m

Man, this is a story I've seen over and over in my life and others. Evil stepparents hating and abusing their stepchildren is unfortunately a format of remarriage and it sucks that young you had to go through what you did. The sad part is a lot of former abused step children get stuck in the position you're in: feeling crazy for being mad about something years past... The parents are well past it, sometimes step siblings either didn't know or justified your abuse the same way... Everyone has made peace. But here you are realizing that a foundational element of your life was the psychological abuse that your stepmom perpetrated on you, and that's not water under the bridge, that's the way you get to live your life every day now, dealing with the stresses, nervous ticks, emotional trauma. The thing that remorseful abusers don't understand is that victims don't owe their abuser forgiveness just because its been a long time, it's ok to not want to befriend your attacker, so to speak.

Now that you're here in adulthood you have to think about the type of life you want going forward.

  • If you try to reconcile what will you be achieving from it? Do you want to stabilize your relationship with your parents by emotionally repressing yourself into placidity, or can you reconcile?
  • Do you want to have at them until you get a detailed and repentant apology, or is there even a big enough apology for what you feel you've gone through? Or better question yet, do you think they're capable of giving that to you?
  • Are these adults going to benefit you emotionally, spiritually, financially in ways that make reconciling with them seem worthwhile? Can you self respect take that?

My gut feeling is you need some time, and you need to see how they react. I don't think you can answer the questions above clearly enough to make decisions about them at this point. The same way that you had these memories hit you I suspect you'll have a few realizations about what you want out of this situation that will make your next steps clearer.

My friend suffered a similar experience with his step mom and father where his dad was a party to the abuse, and the stepsisters assisted as well. In his case it took him til 30 y/o to look at their actions from an adults' perspective and realize how awful they treated him, and how intentional all of it was. To be a part of the family as an adult he had to be willing to apologize of his "dramatic" nature of standing up against his abuse and basically admit he was a pussy and an asshole who more or less deserved it, or was lying about it. He, I think rightfully, decided there was nothing there worth trying to salvage no greener pastures ahead... so his course of action was to burn the bridge and say fuck you to the lot of them... He wasn't going to conform, so he exiled himself.

In my case my step mother harassed me constantly, told me off about anything from eating without her permission to doing laundry without her supervision, told me I looked gay, threw things at me, and just generally tried to make it clear she hated me, and my presence in her life was a curse. She rounded a corned in my case and when I was about 26 and my half brother a mid teen who had become a hell raiser. At that point she realized what a thoughtful and simple kid I was to have around and started to reflect on how controlling and hateful she had been. She apologized repeatedly and deeply and brought up specific instances of her own misbehavior. She summarized that she would never feel alright about how she acted and just feels like she let me down completely. As far as apologies go that was I think the most anyone could possible ask for from a former abuser, it showed a real sense of remorse and understanding of the behavior that she dished out. IDK that she'll ever be my mom, but I've got past hating her and have been able to forgive her for her past mistakes and form a relationship going forward.

Which bring me to my conclusion: I think if you receive some real, deep and completely understanding remorse that is consistent and doesn't have caveats or blame attached to it then you should consider reconciling when you are ready. If there's no real depth or understanding, or change in behavior after an apology then I don't blame anyone for not wanting to be around. If there's no apology and the relationship has to be completely on the abusers terms, with you willing to continue to sustain it, and sacrifice your self worth and emotional well being to keep things together... then I don't blame anyone for burning that bridge and not looking back.

Best of luck to you, and think about what you want and need in your future. You can find people to love you more than an unremorseful and abusive stepmother and an indifferent father if that's what they're determined to be.

lalu014 43 4h30m

Thanks for your really thoughtful response. I read every line and appreciate your insight.

There are a lot of responses here and it is almost a precise reflection of all the different voices in my head! But, I am reading and considering and grateful.

cwinparr 16 9h19m

Keep in mind, changing behavior does not mean not beating you or calling names. Emotional abuse or neglect can also be the way in which they reacted to your wedding. your father possibly not coming to your wedding without your stepmother may mean that they haven't changed and won't be a positive relationship in your life. You deserve better than snide comments to your announcement. Choose whichever route is a more positive influence in your life. Choose your own mental health and happiness over others' feelings or wants. if this means having your father in your life, so be it. But carefully reflect on how they treat you and whether or not they are a truly positive influence in your life.

I wish you the best no matter which route you take. Congratulations on your engagement!

ezpeezzee 3 1d7h2m

wow! this is about as good as it gets as far as advice, concepts to deeply reflect on, etc. if you're not already, u should consider being a therapist! your speaking to OP has legit given me some insight into a few different situations.....thank u!!

KarbonRodd 2 1d11h5m

Haha, thank you! I'm a graphic designer but I'll consider it!

philosophicalsnake 2 5d9h35m

Just turned 30 and everything you’ve said and OP’s thread is hitting a nail on my head. The toughest part is when you are born already sensitive to your surroundings and always trying to please you parents who will either be emotional, psychologically, physically & sexually abusing you and constantly exercising their control over you while the other parent does nothing while I screamed and cried for help in the dark. All this time and no one to talk to about or acknowledge my pain. Mostly because my controlling parents never let me have a normal social life growing up so opening up and trust as always been an issue, especially with authority figures. I have become a monster because I never knew better how to deal with all the fucked up shit from the past. But at least now I know, thank you for showing me that I can burn the bridge too. Because I don’t see any other way to find my sanity or youth back to finally mature and to allow myself to move forward in life.

wildewoode 92 3h46m

Every one here is being so nice. I say No, don't be bloody nice. Tell her that you know what she did. Tell your dad that he was weak. Tell her she won't come to your wedding and will never be a grandmother to your kids. Time for payback. Let her suffer.

Missfitt69 49 5h44m

I feel the same exact way. Fuck her, she already stated she can't come so that shows she's isn't really remorseful of how she treated you as a child. Furthermore she will treat your children different from you sisters, that's obvious. As a parent your father should have protected you, if your sister saw the abuse he did too. Don't let him off the hook. Not her one of them would be apart of my life or my future children's. And I'd make sure they both understood why. What kind of person does that to a child?? The kind of person who doesn't change. Congrats on you engagement. Family isn't always blood, it's who loves you and wants the best for you

anonnynonnypoos 9 11h19m

Honestly, I feel so much better now that my dam broke (my brother had kids and suddenly I had the motivation to protect them so my subconscious opened all the floodgates) and... I tried being nice to them all. I tried. I talked about cptsd and how I get flashbacks. My mother insists I'm not being fair to her. My brother buries his head in the sand. I can't watch any more. They're not my family. They're just people I share DNA with. I really had nothing to lose when I pointed out they are all dysfunctional - my brother drinks at 3pm with a baby at his feet. My mother wakes up screaming. But I'm the dramatic one who makes a fuss, they just crush stuff down and therefore they will never learn to treat people better. I deserve better. So I just don't. Don't speak to them. I do the bare minimum because they want to believe I have a relationship with them - but their version of "trying" is just more exposure to their bullshit and no resolution. They don't want to change, they just want me back there. I don't feel bad about the one time I lost it and screamed how they made me feel.

Missfitt69 1 17h6m

You have to do what is right for you. Screw everyone else. Good for you. You're right you do deserve better. Good luck

anonnynonnypoos 1 19h42m

Thanks. I hope OP and her new husband can get some respite.

wildewoode 6 5h51m

Right on.

elvvle 75 1h13m

Wow, reading this gave me 2nd hand anger. You're stronger than I would be in that situation if you can even consider a relationship with them.

I think you should allow yourself to feel these feelings for a while and give yourself time to process.

Your idea of going to a therapist is probably a good one.

I think most rational humans would consider it reasonable for you to cut ties entirely if that is something that you feel you would like to do. They treated you awfully as a child, and it seems like they are not great to you now. Do what's best for you and your new family.

One thing that you may have already thought of, but might be worth mentioning: they do not seem like the kind of people that should be unsupervised around any children that are under your care now or in the future.

Best of luck to you!

shakti-1 64 1h22m

I’ve had to go through something very similar with my bio mom. I was heavily abused by my step-father, to the point where he was charged and in court, she took his side. Lost all parental rights and for years, I repressed those memories until therapy. Over the course of a few years, I eventually created a chilling visual of my childhood and I’ve had to cut off all contact with her for my own sanity. It’s an incredibly hard decision and not to be taken lightly. But it has helped me so, so much and I can only imagine it will help you too. You should be proud of yourself for standing up to them but be careful with your expectations. You’re vulnerable right now and if you cling too hard to a certain outcome, it will be even more difficult for you to focus on the healing you need to commit to. My heart and hopes are with you, I’m truly sorry that you have to experience this trauma for a second time.

throwaway4445671 10 8h27m

I have the same thing except he was never charged in court. It's hard and shitty. My little sisters are still dealing with his abuse.

lietaa 3 12h7m

I feel you. I feel so bad that my brother and sister are left in such a toxic environment without an out. I moved out as soon as i could and i always regretted not taking them with me. My younger sister now has behavioral and learning problems due to their abuse and lack of parenting.

cuortney 1 16h17m

I had to cut all contact with my emotionally abusive, drug addict mother. It’s painful and it always will be. But it’s so much better for you in the long ru.

fantasmasolar 31 1h51m

IM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!! im literally upset over this bitch. fuck them. fuck her and fuck your dad. You don’t need these people in your life. You have a strong and beautiful relationship and you need to move on! fuck what they want. Your life is yours.

WicGoingAnonymous 23 1h29m

If someone changes from being an abuser (which btw, I don't think that she has done, but if...) to a good person, then their victim still has the right to treat them as an abuser.

It might be unfair if the rest of the world treats them as an abuser if they have made amends (and they haven't done that, they have apoligized, not made amends), but the victim doesn't need to treat them as changed people.

They lost that right permanently the moment they abused the victim.

You are the victim. Continue as what is best for your mental health. If they are actually changed people, they will understand and support that.

raindayblueberries 19 2h54m

First let me offer my congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Despite the hardships of your youth and the betrayals of the people charged with protecting you, you were able to make yourself vulnerable enough to another human being to share a deep and meaningful love. To me, that demonstrates inner strength and drive to create the good things in your life that you deserve. I wish for you a life where you will always feel secure in knowing your partner has your back and that in Dr. Phil’s words (sorry- a guilty pleasure in my single days and this image always stuck with me!), you will be each other’s soft place to fall. Everyone needs a cheerleader and I’m sorry that’s not been able to be your parents, in childhood or as an adult. I think it’s easy to hand out advice when it’s someone else’s life, but I’ll just say that families and histories are complicated and it often requires time, reflection, and professional guidance to help sort through it all. Plus really contemplating what makes you happy and what is and isn’t bringing joy to your life. It sounds like you have good instincts and have made wise decisions that have brought you to the precipice of a new and happy future with a supportive partner. You get to decide who and what gets to be part of this future, which I hope will be one of great love and happiness for you.

lifelover46 13 35m

Wow. Confronting them is not just drama. It may be a cleansing that you need. It will be hard and you will have to be prepared for any possible consequences. But it may set you free.

Chansakuy 13 6h26m

This is difficult.

Please also head over to /r/raisedbynarcissists/ and the help section there. This kind of childhood trauma can leave traces (FLEAS), so make sure that you understand what you are facing.

It is your choice and your choice only to decide if you want to have any kind of relationship with them. You do not have to, it is a choice. Perhaps you will decide to go no-contact, cut them out of your life, and this is fine if that is your choice.

You are not guilty. Nothing that you have done resulted in your being selected for the role of the scapegoat. This is an unfair, unlogical, choice at your birth. Nothing that you are doing deserves that reaction. You are sane. They are not.

There is no excuse for your parents, both of them. You were a child, you did not have a choice, you had to cope with them. They had the choice to act the way they want. No excuse. No "I did what I can". "It was difficult". "I did my best". "You have to get over it now". They are totally responsible for the way they acted and still act. Do not let your feeling being invalidated.

Your dad is an awful person. He could not care about you when you were young. The reaction to your coming engagement means that he does not like you, and will prefer your sister anytime.

Your sister is not guilty. She was not rejected, that is a choice made at birth by your parents, and she is not guilty neither. Nothing you will do will be enough. Perhaps you can still accept her, perhaps not. It is up to you to decide if you can have a relationship with her.

Now what to do?

Accept your anger. It is normal to be angry. This is a sane reaction.

Communicate with your spouse. Seriously. Tell him what you just told. He needs to know so that he can protect you and understand you better. Perhaps you will never talk to anyone in your family again, and he will know why. This is a very important step as you will need his support, but also because he need to know what is happening with you. You guys are a family. Act as a family.

Let go this idea of getting a confession, or remorse, or anything similar. Narcissists will find excuses, and will never really care as they think they are always right. It will never happen, and you will never find closure this way.

Celebrate being a sane, nice person, with a great spouse, happy in life -- and a survivor. Know that you worked hard for that. You rock.

And then... this is up to you. Cutting your father, sister and step-mother off or not. Going to therapy or not. This is up to you. You are a powerful, sane, girl out of their reach. This is up to you and you only.

But please read out on narcissists and have a look at /r/raisedbynarcissists/

You go girl!

FreshFace86 11 1h52m

I have no advice for you but wanted to say: Congratulations on pulling out what seems to be a productive and fulfilling life from your childhood. That is something to be very proud of.

strps 10 3h57m

This is way beyond reddit's capacity to advise. I would recommend you find a counselor/therapist and start the long journey of healing from this. This kind of abuse and trauma is not easy to move past, but as someone who has gone through the therapeutic wall I can guarantee you there is gold within the heaping pile of shit that is the pain of the past.

You sound to me like a level-headed and solid adult. Repressed memories have a way of destabilizing the security and structure you have erected for yourself. Please be easy on yourself during this time, and please talk to someone if the urge to relapse comes up again. I'm not sure if you're part of a 12 step program, but while having that as a sounding board is great, it is not the same thing as going into this with a professional therapist.

I wish you the best of luck with this, and congratulations on your engagement!

OMG_GOP_WTF 9 1h15m

Please find a professional therapist.

forgetfulperson567 9 7h0m

Do you still have ‘allergies’ or did you mysteriously outgrow them. 😒 losing their shit over you sleeping on your stomach and demanding you basically sleep in the recovery position sounds like something that someone might do if they were drugging their kid eight ways from Sunday to get them out of the way, especially if they’ve had scares before.

mrbisonopolis 7 1h47m

Solid writing. Not bad.

toobadiremember 7 7h31m

So.. A few people might give you shit. Repressed memories aren't well understood.

I grew up in an abusive environment, my dad physically, sexually, financially, every kind you can think of. Neglect. My mom was "just" emotionally abusive. Both are personality disordered (diagnosed), but divorced when I was young. I remember things with heightened clarity. From specific traumatic memories I can tell you time of day, time of year, what we were wearing, things in the room, etc. I can recall entire conversations word for word. My brother? Doesn't remember a damn thing. Just like you describe it. Hazy, half memories I can kind of get him to barely recall. Some he has no recollection of at all. Like when my dad's girlfriend knocked him out cold, and then she went after my dad's roommates son. He peed his pants before he was hit. His hands were shaking so bad he couldn't lock the door that would have kept her out. My mom witnessed the tail end of it, it was a fiasco.

Now I thought I remembered damn near everything, until I was in my 20s nannying for a little girl who turned the age I was when the sexual assault happened. Up until that point I had no idea. It just so happened the exact circumstances were recreated. I'd always known I was uncomfortable, and that I didn't feel safe. Certain objects in the room, like a style of a lamp that was thrown, I could never get near or touch. And I don't know what to tell anyone, other than I remember.

Over time more details, more memories started coming. It was a flood of emotion. I had a full breakdown. I dropped out of grad school, quit my job, stepped down out of every leadership position I had (which were many). There was one night when the rage hit, I had destroyed everything in my room. I'd broken a light in the process, and when I was done I went to the bathroom and saw I was bleeding and it was on my face. I couldn't even feel the cuts, I had to look for them. That's the point when I realized I really wasn't okay.

I texted my dad, 'I love you, I forgive you, I remember everything. Never contact me again'.

That was 9 years ago now. I'm in my 30s,like you. I've been in therapy off and on for 6 years.

For me, every member of my family.. It was like dominoes. At first my anger and disgust was centered at my dad. Then it fell on my older brother (for the record, he sides with our dad). Next was my grandparents. Then finally my mom for enabling him. They were Co-abusers, people who kept the abuser in power.

Everything you're going through is normal, but you need to get into therapy asap. And I'm not talking your run of the mill counselor. Interview them briefly on the phone before investing in an appointment, make sure they have a specialization in childhood trauma. The first counselor I went to made the anxiety disorder that I developed as a result of the constant nightmares and flashbacks into a full blown panic disorder. He trying to make me "work through" the trauma was ultimately very destructive. The next therapist I got taught me skills to recognize the PTSD, and I learned to control the panic attacks before they came.

The grief you're going through - don't accept anyone's shit for it. Allow yourself the anger, the apathy and numbness, the sadness, the bargaining - all of it. The only way through this is through it. I've had pastors tell me to let go, to move on. Everyone telling me that I was the problem, the way I dealt with it emotionally was the problem. But the thing is, with repressed memories it's not like it happened 20 years ago - it's like it happened the day you remembered. If you get a ptsd flashback, it's like it happened again a few minutes ago.

Give yourself a decade to fully heal. I'm not kidding. I've been studying my parents personality disorders for years just trying to figure out what the hell happened. The biggest growth in healing came for me when I connected with other "survivors" (I hate that word cause if he wanted me dead I'd be dead. I didn't survive anything). It takes a long time to work through this stuff. Every memory has to be dealt with.

You can pm me any time if you want to talk.

Edit, I do want to add: a repressed memory is a beautiful gift. Your mind gave you the chance to live like it really didn't happen. Your brain was doing the best it could to keep you both alive. Your older now and have better coping skills and more access to resources. There may be other memories you have yet to recover, but take it easy. Your brain will only give you these things to work on when it's "good". When you aren't preoccupied with other stuff emotionally.. Trying to force more forward is a mistake. Your brain is still protecting you.

My brother still doesn't remember stuff, and he may never. He thinks it's a result of the hard drugs my dad gave him at 14. Who knows, maybe that's part of it. But I do know denial is a safe place to be. You can always go back and take a break. I personally can't as my dad has admitted it, so you may find you can't either but don't beat yourself up for the years you were in denial.

And if your dad doesn't come to your wedding because your step mom doesn't want to, he's a piece of shit. I know you love him and I'm sorry for that, but having a great guy walk me down the aisle instead of him was one of the better decisions I've made in my life. It added sweetness instead of mourning on that day.

Varvatos_Vex 5 1h30m

Ugh know how that goes. Had a pretty violent childhood. I get snap shots of memories. I use to just get mad. Now I just breath and let them pass. It’s hard to do because they can be so vivid and extreme. Good luck moving ahead.

freethenipple23 2 8h31m

At a certain point, the anger gets so tiresome... I feel this so hard.

raibk 5 5h38m

I just want to reply to a thing you've said, that you feel very bad about feeling sorry for yourself.


This is exactly what you have to do now. Feel bad for yourself. Suffer for the child that has been abused. Live through the memories as an adult, seeing all the bad that has happened to you and validating the pain it caused. So you can comfort yourself, tell yourself you didn't deserve it, and that you are right to protect yourself. Because you have worth.

Sorry for being cheesy.

plcanonica 5 11h27m

I may well get downvoted here, but who says your 'recovered' memories are real? I'm not saying they are false, just that memory is very unreliable and everyone has memories which they think are real but are in fact reconstructed from photos, stuff we've read, heard, imagined... Look up Elizabeth Loftus's research if you are interested.

As for what you recall, try to find independent confirmation that it happened before ruining any relationship.

akelew -1 12h11m


She confessed. She literally told OP 'i was very mean, no seriously. Very mean."

Then it flooded back.

Your advice is bad because it basically says "Dont trust any of your memories, unless you can find tangible proof that every single one of them did in fact occur".

And that evidence simply doesnt exist in most cases.

plcanonica 3 12h48m

"I was very mean" can mean any number of things. On the other hand it is just the kind of statement which can help in the fabrication of a false memory. It is not proof that what OP says actually happened.

My advice is what any psychologist worth their salt would give (and I am a psychologist). I am not saying you should never trust your memory, but there are some memories that are more reliable. The less recent the memory the less reliable it is. Anything that you didn't remember for years is very unreliable indeed. There has never been any proof that repression or repressed memories exist, while there is plenty of evidence that false and constructed memories exist.

Look up the case of Eileen Franklin: famous case of a supposedly repressed and recovered memory of child abduction, abuse and murder, which turned out to be most likely a recostructed memory which never happened. But it did tear a family apart, hence my advice to be cautious.

akelew 0 12h55m

There has never been any proof that repression or repressed memories exist


Repressed memories are memories that have been unconsciously blocked due to the memory being associated with a high level of stress or trauma.[1] The theory postulates that even though the individual cannot recall the memory, it may still be affecting them subconsciously,[2] and that these memories can emerge later into the consciousness.


Some research indicates that memories of child sexual abuse and other traumatic incidents may be forgotten.[10] Evidence of the spontaneous recovery of traumatic memories has been shown,[11][12][13] and recovered memories of traumatic childhood abuse have been corroborated.[14]


One case of a persons memory being bad and remembering something else in place is not representative of everyone elses memory.

Its possible that some of the memories OP has are not truly reflective of the past. But its also possible that the memories are accurate, and do not need further 'evidence' to corroborate.

plcanonica 2 13h0m

Sorry, but if you think Wikipedia is proof of anything there is not much I can do for you.

For more sensible readers, repression is a concept from Freudian theory and is indeed defined as the Wikipedia article says. However it is unfalsifiable and was abandoned by mainstream psychology in the 1950s because the unscientific nature of the theory risked bringing psychology into disrepute.

Just for some context, another part of the theory is that all 5 year old boys want to have sex with their mum and kill their dad, but then repress these desires. That's how credible repression is.

akelew 1 13h5m

Maybe the memories arent repressed, maybe they were just forgotten amongst all the abuse and 'time lapses' that can occur during stressful periods.

plcanonica 2 13h8m

It's possible. OP shouldn't discount the possibility that the memory is real. However she should look for proof: notes from the time, friends of the family or siblings/cousins who may have witnessed the events... Anything is better than nothing before you go destroying your mother potentially for something your mind made up!

akelew 2 13h14m

If your a psychologist im sure you understand then that these abusive events are usually hidden from everyone else, without any traces of evidence left behind, by design.

OP shouldn't discount the possibility that the memory is real.

I agree

However she should look for proof

I also agree.

But if she cant find proof, then that doesnt mean she should just accept that those memories are 'not real'.

I also think that she should spend a lot of time doing a lot of thinking about this situation, her past and future, and be on the lookout for more of these underhanded behaviours. Try piecing those past memories together with the present and see if things match up and maybe if they are just trying to appear nice on the surface to appease you/possibly continue the cycle of abuse.

plcanonica 2 13h43m

I agree with all you've said here. Nice.

thesassysteph 4 2h20m

Please seek professional help from someone familiar with trauma disorders. I've been in your shoes - being bombarded with memories and suddenly understanding why I was uneasy around the man who fathered me and his wife. I found an amazing therapist who helped me heal. I have no relationship with the bio father, step mother or their children. Blood does not mean family. My dad is the man my mom has been in a relationship with for the last 16 years. Not related by blood or law but an amazing dad. Anyways. My family of choice is a blessing. You can heal from this and find family that loves and supports you. I understand wanting to confront both your dad and your step mom. I recommend holding off on this. Find support for yourself first because you don't know what the blowback will be. Take time to come a little more to terms with your memories. My memory took time to adjust to and I truly believe that I tried confronting things too soon and without solid support. I'm also in recovery - WAY TO GO YOU FOR NOT DRINKING WHEN HIT WITH FLASHBACKS!!! I honestly relate - I was 60 days sober living in a half way house when I started the flashbacks. If you ever want to/need to reach out I'm here for you. I'm also 36F.

BringOnTheButterbeer 4 3h54m

Based on my personal experience and years of therapy... I would agree with the other commenters and strongly suggest you start with going to therapy of your own. In my experience, the more you talk about all of it, the less control it has over you.

I can’t speak for you, but based on my experiences, it’s quite possible that the issues may never be resolved, and the pain may never go away. You are an adult now though, and get to decide what kind of relationship you want with your dad and stepmom. That might very well be influenced by the relationship you have/want with your half sister.

My half brothers are quite a bit younger than me. I am (and have always wanted to be) a part of their lives. As a result, my stepmom must be in my life as well. It is not easy, and there are so many times I wish I could just scream at her and my dad for all of the shit that happened to me, when I was a child and they were the adults. But for the sake of my brothers, for now I have chosen to rise above it and continue to address the issues in therapy.

Hang in there.

Also, I wanted to say, congrats on your engagement!!

puregrapesoda 4 5h32m

" I remember how much she hated me. The name-calling. The scapegoating.







She was a relentless bully.


I remember being taunted and teased and made fun of.








knz-rn 4 6h2m

This sounds 100% like a testimony I’ve heard from a woman with DID (dissociative identity disorder). She was married with children and wasn’t aware she was ever abused until one day at a conference. She was standing there and all the sudden she had a flash of alllll the memories come back to her. Her grandfather raped her repeatedly throughout her childhood. However she had no idea and had a great relationship with her grandparents. Through therapy she was able to learn of the “identities” (in her case it was little girls) that were “protecting” her, aka blocking out the memories for all those years.

This woman’s story sounds SO similar to how you describe this episode of memories coming back. Unfortunately I cannot remember her name to put you in contact... she was a friend of my nursing professor who came into my class to tell her story.

As for your step-mom, I would distance yourself until you get therapy. Accept her “excuses” for missing the wedding and take care of yourself. She obviously did some VERY traumatizing things in order for you to repress so much of your childhood. Please please please get help. The woman I spoke of seemed to be thriving after seeking therapy.

random_stranger78 3 1h1m

Your stepmom is a fucking bitch. Confront her and tell her how you feel about her.

LodlopSeputhChakk 3 3h23m

I know for a fact I have repressed memories. I don’t think about it beyond that. If I was capable of coping with them, they wouldn’t be repressed. I don’t even know how I’d unearth them anyway or know that they were real memories and not false positives. All I know is I have a crippling fear of peas.

None of that was really directed at you. Your post just kind of caused me to opine about it.

ravenmelior 3 8h57m


You shouldn't have to "stuff this one back in". This is your life, those horrible memories are your experiences. Unfortunately, things that are ready to come to light are going to come. Maybe taking a step back to identify where you are may be best instead of having to decide how to go about confronting them. You mentioned that they've tried but there seem to be things about their recent behavior that may be concerning such as the reaction to your engagement (which should've been a lot of hugging, excitement and congratulations). There may be more harm than good that can come from trying to move forward with the relationship at this point, especially since you are angry. A bit of time can bring a clearer perspective on what your next move should be.

Demadas21 3 9h32m

I had an undiagnosed/unmediated bipolar father growing up and a horribly depressive mother but my wife’s parents were so so so much worse and abusive to her.

I set hard barriers up with my parents before I met her and after we got together I witnessed a grown woman trying everything in her power to still appease shitty parents. I played along for her sake until our second year in. That Christmas her parents and brother tag teamed her over the phone berating her for not bending to their will. When I saw my wife curled up in the fetal position on the couch crying, I decided that I was going to have to be her wall.

I went to task on them putting my foot down with boundaries. When they started laying in on her then they came to expect a call from me. I made it clear to them that I hadn’t spent a lifetime of swallowing their shit like she did and I wouldn’t be pushed around like her. It has taken a few years but things really have gotten better. We still have a relationship with her family. They are involved in every big event in our lives and they do still try to test the boundaries from time to time but as long as you stick to the boundaries and put them back in check, everything is manageable.

The core thing my wife and I stick to, which has also been verbalized to both sides of the family, is that the only things that truly matter in life is her, me, and the kids. That’s it. Parents, siblings, aunt, uncles, cousins, all of those relationships are just as optional as who you pick to be friends with. Yeah it’s nice to have them around but if they start causing you stress in your life then they can just as easily be removed. I don’t even know if this is a healthy way to think or live but it seems to work for us.

EatUnicornBacon 3 15h8m

Repressed memomories don't exist and aren't accepted by main stream science.

gigi1213 3 15h14m

This sounds like a toxic situation. There are so many things to talk about here : 1. Your step-moms behavior : like seriously who does that to a kid. It's wrong on so many levels. In fact it sounds like Child Abuse.

  1. Your dad making snide comments : like dude ur daughter got engaged WTF do u wanna ruin that for her? Be happy or just shut your mouth... U just ruined a beautiful moment for her congrats. Also not standing up for a little child who was living in fear of ur partner? Dude well done !

  2. Your sister : stop ruining the family!? She saw how messed up her mum was... The trauma she put you through and yet puts the blame on you? The only one that's ruining the family is her mums despicable behaviour! You have the right to choose if you want them in their life or not and you deserve an explanation!

. OP after saying all this I suggest you talk to a therapist. After all people on reddit aren't the best people to take advice . Most of all just remember you aren't obligated to make peace with someone or play nice to someone . Do what you feel is the best for you. Put your needs over keeping family together. And also congratulations! I hope you feel better soon!

lemonlimedime 3 15h16m

Because you didn’t receive this from your “parents”- Congratulations on your engagement!! I hope he’s wonderful and treats you well ❤️ I’m so glad you feel safe with him. I don’t even know you but I’m so proud of you for all you’ve accomplished after such a difficult childhood.

PatagonicoMan 2 2h32m

I am sorry all that happened to you. Hope they get what they deserve

Bimshire11 2 2h46m

This all sounds incredibly difficult. My two cents: 1. If you haven’t already, consider finding a therapist 2. Have you considered your stepmom might have borderline personality disorder? It took a traumatic life event for me to realize my mother has bpd. There is a great, super supportive sub here for folks raised by borderlines. Hugs to you.

idonutcareaboutabs 2 2h55m

Their abuse traumatized you so bad you repressed those memories for years. YEARS. My best advice is talk to a therapist. They can help you process these new memories and the abuse and help you figure out what kind of relationship you can/want to have with your parents moving forward. Despite how they are ‘trying’ now, that in no way invalidates the awful things they did to you before. Your feelings are very valid and understandable. And you are not obligated AT ALL to maintain any kind of relationship with them either temporarily or permanently.

ElirKv0the 2 3h15m

Man, OP, I am so angry for you and so so so sorry that this happened to you. I can’t really address the repressed memory stuff. But I do want to chime in and say that your feelings are completely and totally valid. Don’t feel silly about feeling angry or sorry for yourself or any of the other emotions. You don’t have to have an endgame planned out like your sister suggested. I’m sure that will come with time and hopefully therapy. Congratulations on your engagement. I am sending you strength, and I truly hope you find peace at the end of this.

Cherryapplefox 2 3h30m

I don't think a simple backyard sorry comment can excuse or dismiss the pain she caused.

Get therapy and try to see if either of them bring enough value into your life to justify forgiveness.

biglae1972 2 6h27m

The older I get the more I understand that you don’t have to forgive, you don’t have to forget, and you don’t have to have any relationship with someone just because you are blood. And sometimes apologies don’t matter ( even if they sincerely mean it). Some things you do in life you just can’t apologize for. Fucking up someone’s childhood is definitely one of them.

So you can either deal with your dad or you can tell him that you now understand that he didn’t protect you and he put other people ahead of you over and over and over again and he is going to deal with a delayed reaction from you.

You do what is best for you.

krizkat 2 7h15m

You are a valuable person, whose thoughts and emotions and experiences are worth a lot. You are not being dramatic. Anything your dad or stepmom say to try to bring you down are just two-dimensional justifications for their toxic, manipulative, self-centered behavior. You have the right to process this in whatever way you choose. If the family is torn apart, that is their fault for having abused a child, NOT YOURS for understanding your experiences and working through them. It breaks my heart that you didn't/don't have parents that love you in the way they should, but none of it, I repeat none of it, is your fault. Your #1 priority should be YOU and what you need to lead a healthy, happy life. I recommend therapy and including positive forces in your life (sounds like the fiancee might be one).

I come from an abusive family and have worked in mental health for years. Please take care of yourself and remember that familial obligations in our society only matter if both sides are upholding the bond. Sometimes we only discover what family really is by cutting out the cancerous parts.

Sending lots of love your way.

freethenipple23 2 8h20m

Get yourself into therapy asap. Talk to other people in your family about it and get more pieces of the puzzle filled in from people that are not your step mom or dad. If your memories are true, it's likely that they will try to minimize everything or tell you that you're misremembering. It's cool that she apologized the other day, but I seriously wouldn't bring it up to her that you've remembered all this.

If you are hellbent on getting info from your dad, DO NOT ASK YOUR DAD ABOUT THIS WHEN SHE IS AROUND. Take him out to lunch, remove him from the comfort zone that is his home and remove her from the equation.

BE PREPARED FOR YOUR DAD TO BE DEFENSIVE OR MINIMIZE YOUR EXPERIENCES. if he reacts poorly, it's probably his way of coping. You can accept it, or not, but maybe let him know whichever you decide and why.

Fuck having fake relationships with people.

Source: I had an abusive step parent growing up as well.

Wolfgang2060 2 8h30m

If you weren't related to these people would you want them in your life?

As children we have friends based on proximity, kids in class, in the neighborhood etc. As adults we chose are friends because of who they are and the relationship we have.

I wouldn't confront your stepmom at all. You know who she is and it's obvious from her engagement reaction she hasn't changed. Your dad is not the dad from your memory (the hero) but the one that is fine being with a woman who abused his kid. He's also the one person who had an absolute duty to protect you and chose not to. If the entire neighborhood knew, he knew. There is no point in having this battle or trying to force an apology.

The simple question is, is it healthier for you to have them in your life?

PetiteSelene 2 8h59m

Man this is heavy shit. When I felt like I couldn't count on my family, I made a family. Out of my closest friends. It helped. You don't need these awful people.

gregorianballsacks 2 9h7m

Only you can decide what will become of this. Truly. Only you. I've been there and I realized that when it mattered I could never count on them (parents) to be what I needed or wanted. I realized I wasn't comfortable in their presence and sharing my greatest joys with them always backfired.

Then I stepped away. My brother didnt. He doubled down. Became super forgiving and apologetic. Became who they complained he should be. Now he's a model son and an impressive accommodating person. Really sweet. Selfless.

I'm gone. Haven't spoken to them in a while. And the hardest part was my brother basically gave me an ultimatum. Either I forgive them and apologize for causing trouble and drama or he would cut me out of his life, essentially (still sends Christmas cards and calls once every few months or so). I decided to stand firm.

No parents. It's sad. Ill never not be sad. But I'm less sad and less angry than if I'd kept them around. It took 10 years of therapy to finally make that decision. And it was clear that no one else could make it for me.

OceanClark 2 10h8m

If someone doesn’t bring joy to your life...why keep them in your life? You CAN choose your family. I know people say you can’t...but family isn’t just blood...sometimes blood family is toxic and life’s too short to allow your toxic step mom to ruin even one more minute. Cut her out! Probably your father too... he couldn’t stand up to her for you...he’s a coward...walk away before these people ruin your future marriage.

I suggest telling your fiancé right away how much you love him!...fill that marriage with support and kindness...you had some amazing life lessons here and these hurdles can help you be a better person...embrace the past for the education that it was and fill your future with love.

If you allow these people to be a part of your life...I think you need to be strong and tell them that you’ll always hold love for them but if they mistreat you again in any way...you will do so from a distance. Be firm...and love yourself enough to be willing to walk away if they don’t respect your wishes

schoolyjul 2 10h24m

You are not the bad guy here.

Your stepmom and dad were abusive, and still seem toxic.

Take care of yourself. Don't expect, or act as if, they're different than they are.

Too bad, so sad. They're toxic.

Appreciate the good people in your life. That's where your time and effort will be well spent.

growing_up_slowly 2 10h34m

Ugh! So sorry! I support everybody's recommendations for therapy as a fellow child abuse survivor. You really don't have to decide now how to handle your family.. This will evolve over time as you heal and grow. Well done for withstanding the understandable temptation to drink again. Most important thing now is to stay where you are safe and loved, and get the help you really need. Keep away from the toxic stuff.

JorgenBluntstrangle 2 10h37m

Just stay away from your parents, they wouldn't care anyways or maybe they would. You're way stronger now than when you were a child & you're making it on your own so do what you want to do.

blueblurspeedspin 2 10h40m

Now is the time to start living the life you want with the person you choose. Your happiness is important. Be selfish, it's fine.

Mariapatrick 2 10h52m

First off - I am so sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry you didn’t remember this happened until now. Especially at a time that is meant to be joyous. I do hope you are still finding a way to celebrate your engagement, don’t let what happened to you rob you of the happiness and excitement of this milestone in your life.

You sound like a very kind and loving person who tries to see the best in people. Unfortunately I don’t think that is warranted in this situation at all - and I say that as someone who tries to look for the positives.
Your dad should not have been upset when you didn’t remember living with them. If they were trying to make amends, that should have been the focus, period. Your dad brought up that you are beating your sister who is 7 years younger than you to the alter?! You are older, that is normally how life works. His focus as a father should have been on celebrating you and your engagement, not worrying about your sister. The fact you know your dad won’t come to your wedding if your stepmom doesn’t come is so sad and hurtful. They both should want to go, but at the very least your dad should be THRILLED to be at his daughter’s wedding. I totally understand why you said everything was fine and why you are worried about wrecking the family etc. I have been there. ( my step mom treats me like crap and unfortunately my dad doesn’t do anything to fix it despite me bringing it up several times and even going to therapy with him) I used to play the role of the perfect daughter, ignoring hurtful comments so I wouldn’t start a fight, not really talking about anything important at family dinners etc. It took me a looong time to learn this and I hope it doesn’t for you. It is not your responsibility to make sure others feel okay and aren’t upset. You did nothing wrong. I repeat, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were abused (not bullied, abused) as a child by your stepmom and your dad enabled it. Your body shielded you from dealing with the trauma until now. You have ever right to confront/discuss/be angry etc about what happened right now. Pretending everything is fine hurts you and if there is even a shred of ability to fix your relationship with them you need to be honest with how you feel and they need and should want to hear it.

Also - it doesn’t matter how old you are - you are still the child in this relationship. It is your dad and stepmoms responsibility to mend the relationship, not you.

Sadly, based on what you’ve said I don’t think they want to make amends or have a healthy relationship. It is just about optics and that doesn’t serve you in anyway. If anything, pretending everything is fine will hurt you and slowly eat away at you.

As others have said - please seek counselling. Your have been through so much and you will get through this too.

hairyjellypants 2 10h56m

I have dealt with repressed memories too, and something I've noticed might help you feel a bit better about yours cropping up:

They were repressed because they were dangerous to you then. You protected yourself by hiding them away before, because you were a kid, you depended on people to survive, your situation was precarious, and repression helped keep you safe.

That's no longer the case. Your mind and body have realized that you are an adult, you are self-sufficient, you are in a better and safe spot in your life, and so you don't have to be protected from those memories anymore. When I was reading your post my immediate thought was "You just got proposed to; that's the strongest evidence I can think of that you're strong enough and safe enough to no longer have to hide them. You have a second family to support you now."

Sometimes I slip into thinking that I was better off before I remembered things, but it's really the opposite. I am better off now, and so those memories aren't something I need to hide from anymore. I can handle it. My brain and body are certain of that.

That won't make the memories any nicer, but it might help put them in some perspective. Take care of yourself.

Skinnysusan 2 11h0m

Sounds like you need to confront them. Tell your father either he goes to your wedding and walks you down the aisle or he is out of your life for good and will never see his grandchildren. Good luck OP I also have repressed memories and its fucking crazy when they come back. Glad you didnt drink, she isn't worth it.

L2Hiku 2 11h1m

Cut them out of your life and move on. If you still want them there, especially your dad, then you just have Stockholm syndrome. They are horrible people. Your dad had horrible taste. He should have protected you from her. He's a terrible father. They obviously don't care about you and your life. You don't need people like that in yours. Cut all contact with them and never speak to them again. Then go to therapy and focus on your own happiness and wedding. You'll be happier without them in your life.

gaurddog 2 11h21m

Your sister is a little out of line here in my opinion.

"Hey I know they horrifyingly abused you and not me, but they haven't done that in a few years so you're kind of being a bitch for being mad at them aren't you?"

I mean jeez.

Further your stepmother doesn't seem to have changed, so I don't see why you'd forgive her. And since your father still refuses to stand up to her or protect you from this kind of behavior, he isn't really doing anything different either.

My girlfriend and I both came from semi abusive households. And we've both agreed that since we plan to marry soon, we're each other's family now. And we can try to have a relationship with our parents, and we can try to ignore what they have done and continued to do. But we will never endure that kind of abuse again in the name of "keeping the family together".

djanice 2 11h22m

I thought repressed memories were debunked???

lionhart280 2 11h24m

My number one rule for apologies.

If you can't specifically say exactly. EXACTLY. what you are apologizing for...

Your apology is worth shit. Period.

If your stepmom won't specify and list the things out she did wrong, and why they were wrong, and why she regrets it, and why she feels bad about it, and apologizes for it all.

Then its worth shit.

So many people go "Oh I was a shitty person" but won't actually specify what shitty thing they did.

That just means they know its what you want to hear, but they haven't actually admitted to anything specific.

Which means they either don't remember (which makes them not actually apologizing), or they don't want to truly admit to their actions.

Either way, they're still shitty and the apology is garbage.

Stick to that and hold on.

whirlntwirl 2 12h38m

I had some similar experiences growing up with my stepmom. I also have very few memories of my childhood and like you I always try to be nice and keep the peace. I don't know if it was a coincidence or a coping mechanism but I ended up moving across the country and then eventually out of the country so I don't have to deal with family stuff except when I visit.

My advice would be that you have every right and deserve the time or whatever you need to process these new found memories and work out what you want your relationship with the parents to be. It's a great step that your stepmom acknowledged her past mistakes and said sorry but that doesn't magically make everything all better and she's still behaving badly.

You deserve to be happy and celebrate this exciting step in your relationship so I hope that you are able to focus on that soon. And if I was your parent I would be so happy and proud of you!

creemfreesh 2 12h52m

You and I responded at the same time, but you said this better than I did. She deserves to process this in her own time without worrying about anyone else right now.

justlikeinmydreams 2 13h11m

I can relate to the “black holes” in the memory. I took the advice listed above, sat on it, did therapy, talked it out with my mother and she apologized and acknowledged some of her wrongs. In the end, I went no contact now for over 10 years because even though the past was as handled as it would ever be, she is still a toxic person who needed to go. Much happier and zero regrets. Good luck with your situation.

ChocolateTuxedo 2 14h6m

Your father doesn’t love what he doesn’t/didn’t protect.

feckinghound 2 14h6m

I didn't do it through text, I did it as a letter. I haven't heard from my dad in 18 months after him emailing and phoning me a whole bunch of vile shit when I was in a psych hospital that got him black listed on my medical records - the hospital did it without me having to ask cos they witnessed it as it happened. They were horrified and disgusted.

I'm in therapy now to process all the shit that went on because I also have years of nothing - pretty much my whole life. Therapy has been HARD. I've started doing 'empty chair work' which has been really good cos I've been able to say the things I wanted/needed to say at difficult times I actually do remember. It's a safe place and there's no judgement. Keep up with the therapy as it's worked with the shit you dealt with with your mum.

I've set up my own family with close friends I met at uni and try my best to never be like my parents with my son. This whole blood is thicker than water shit people always talk about isn't applicable to people from abusive households. And those who haven't seen abuse have no idea how abused kids can say fuck you to their family. But you have to for your own wellbeing.

Don't ever think to invite them to the wedding. Surround yourself with all the best people in your life to share your happy day. If you really are on good terms with step sister, wait on inviting her in case she turns nasty over the fall out. You have to stick to your guns and be strong for yourself in the long run and don't back down. A shitty apology in the garden when you're round isn't gonna cut it. She's shown she hasn't changed with her horrible reaction. And your dad is an enabler and just as culpable for the abuse - she admitted she was a cunt in front of him so he knew. He did not protect you 'in his own way.' He did nothing.

Over time you'll forget about them like you forgot about years of your childhood abuse.

sstterry1 2 14h6m

You need to talk to a threapist...immediately!

mr_heathcliffe 2 14h34m
AldinaEH 2 14h36m

Damaged child and stepchild here too. For me, even after my dad and stepmom started “trying”, it still blew up. Like she couldn’t fake kindness much. To a point she made a huge fight just so she can manipulate my dad into breaking contact with me. Maybe your stepmom genuinely changed, but that behavior around your announcement just shows different kind of abuse.

Neglect, dismissal are still very powerful ways to manipulate person and are abusive. Just now, instead of celebrating your engagement, you are in bitter internal turmoil.

Eventually, it will leave you drained, empty, and always craving attention. All those small slights add up. All those feelings of inadequacy and why can’t you just share my happiness hurt you even deeper.

In my case, I had to cut ties. And therapy. I had to. I thought I could manage it myself, but then found I was turning to superficial stimuli to create happiness I was always robbed off (luckily not drugs or alcohol, but generally hedonistic tendencies)

Therapy in our situation is a need. Not want, or optional. A need. Food, shelter, bills, therapy.

There are plenty free options and resources for victims of domestic abuse (and you are one). I am getting free therapy at local women safe house. I’m not endangered, but as victim of emotional abuse I get free sessions.

The therapist is doing some movement therapy with me (can’t remember what it is called in English, maybe REBT). I’m at centering stage now, and it helps. It helps me to accept me, accept I don’t need others to create my happiness. We are working on building relationships (I too have no family relationships).

I don’t know how to advise you much. Those things are complicated. But what would be best is that you accept you are in abusive and at least neglectful relationship with your stepmom and stepdad, and although it doesn’t always feel that way (that’s gaslighting), you truly are being abused and need to find a mechanism to remove yourself from that unhealthy dynamic.

JadeEclypse 2 14h42m

In the end you have to decide what's worth it to you. Even now you're trying to be concerned about them, their feelings, the drama you will being on the rest of the family, on them.

Reread what you posted from an objective place, how many times do you focus on what hashing this out with them, will affect someone other than you?

Do you see it?

Even now you're focused on how this will affect them, and that's why you need to take the time to clear your head and stop worrying about them and start worrying about YOU. About what YOU want. What matters to YOU. No one else.

If you realize that you feel your really won't gain anything, then you know what to do. If you feel like you hear can't let it rest without confining it, then confront it.

But do it for YOU.

sarahb002 2 14h48m

I don’t have any advice - I just wanted to say good job on your sobriety, and for not taking that drink. You’re doing a great job, I’m proud of you!

gigi1213 2 14h57m

This sounds like a toxic situation. Eventhough they are trying to make good...

eeo11 2 16h6m

You need to talk to a therapist. I don’t know what you think Reddit can do to help you with years of repressed memories that you suddenly realized. This requires professional help.

tpahornet 2 16h7m

You write about wedding plans but not one mention about your SO and their feelings on the matter.

I married a young lady with similar Step abuse and it was always false smiles, little digs, and our children growing up not seeing GP's who lived 3 miles down the road. My advice is get help and look forward to your own life and future family. Toxic relationships are not healthy and you will always be guarded against being abused.

There is no reason or excuse to abuse a child. Your Stepmother is a child abuser and your father enabled her. You really want that still in your life? She going to favor your sisters kids over yours and abuse them as well?

bevstarr92 2 16h11m

Not experienced it myself, but about 7 years ago during a conversation with my grandparents, my dad remembered being the victim of sexual abuse at the hands of a family friend when he was a child. He had repressed these memories for 40+ years.

It sounds like you’re close with your sister, and you of course have your fiancé. Utilise the support you have, you’ll need it. Maybe look into therapy if it’s something that is accessible to you, being able to talk things through with an impartial person really helped my dad make sense of the jumble of memories and come to terms with it.

Good luck, OP. All the best!

akaBanned 2 16h13m

Fellow damaged individual here. You have a support system. Use them. Your sisters and your fiance are there for you and that gives you a huge leg up. I spent years trying to get my parents to own up to what they did. They never did and I allowed it to ruin my life. Whatever you do, confront these feelings head on.

cuortney 2 16h14m

Hi damaged 23 year old here! I grew up with parents that were drug addicts and alcoholics. While I was growing up they were in and out of prison and I totally agree with you, my mom is terrifying. But honestly, fuck them. Tell your sister that you’re going to cut them off and then never speak to them again. It’s what I did and I don’t regret it. It was painful, and it will always be painful, but my parents caused so much stress and pain in my life. I have PTSD because of them. Live your own life with your spouse. That’s what matters, not your shorty parents. Also (this is something that I always have to remind myself), YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS.

TinySmalls1138 2 16h21m

Fuck them both.. they're not apologizing because they care about your feelings. They're apologizing for their own selfish reasons. They don't deserve you. Serious advice: tell them they don't have to worry about coming to your wedding, as they're not invited, then never speak to them again. They absolutely don't deserve forgiveness. They deserve blunt force trauma.

zombiesREZ 2 16h22m

Holy shit!

Engaged! Good for you!

Nobody can walk in your shoes for you.

Wasted a lot of years drinking over the trauma. Good girl for staying away from that shit!

Hang onto your relationship like a bike going down a gravel road going down hill, both fists on the handles with all you got, wrists loose letting the bike lead where it may.

Get money in the bank, a big fat fucking chunk of it. Something to concentrate on when you wanna rage and feel the need to practice being a hard ass. Something you'll need, period.

Your 'authentic' self is mutable, trainable. Your perception of self changes with age and experience. Dysfunctional behavior learned can be unlearned by surrounding yourself with people you want to be like and immersing yourself. ((Therapy fast track.))

You might learn your folks have chemical imbalances, bad childhoods, etc.. You will try to fix, heal, understand them. Understand them and hug them when you feel appropriate, but cut your losses and move on. You will be glad eventually that you gave voice to your trauma, and that you were able to be kind to these mentally unstable people, no matter how put together they look on the outside.

We are all crazy: We all have socially unacceptable coping mechanisms. These are so that we can tell Life to go EFF itself on occasion so that it can't drive us insane....%P...

You might be working steps, but you cannot evade the five stages of grieving.

Denial Bartering Rage Grief Acceptance

Wish I could extend you a hug. Hope these help.

CDMJarrettvsMehldau 2 16h22m

I'm not gonna offer advice but just want to say how very sorry I am that you have experienced what you have. I am happy for your coming marriage, may you finally have the family where you are safe and loved for who you are!

totorox 2 16h25m

you can send them this post you wrote. Make sure your dad has access to it to read at his leisure. You can also send it to everyone or just post it on your family facebook. At least you can make sure to save it so it can be read in the future by everyone concerned.

brittavondibuurt 2 16h28m

i am not an expert, but ive been bullied as a kid a lot. especially by this one guy in high school. he could not let me go for one day without making me feel belittled. i have always felt like i deserved it as a kid and never really stood up for myself.

anyway, after i started college, i started realizing how this is not okay and blabedibla. i bumped into him at this event in our home town, and confronted him. i asked him why he always bullied me. he responded by saying things like what the hell are you talking about, it was just teasing. i never did anything bad to you. etc.

i told him he made me really insecure and he was really mean.

he refused to understand this and i just didn’t know what to say anymore and walked away.

it made me realize how much of an narcissistic, unemphatic idiot he is and how fucked up his social skills are (not mine).

so, what i am trying to say is, confronting people with things like that will teach you their true colors. and that will help you process this.

do think about what you want to ask. and definitely talk to a therapist that will help you put your thoughts and feelings in order. your youth sounds like a really tough time and you could really use some help processing it.

indianorphan 2 16h28m

So I want to add that my abusive memories came back a lot like this. I endured sexual and physical abuse for about 10 years. And I buried it. My abuser was part of the family and I got a phone call saying hey such and such wife is pregnant...they are having a girl. I remember getting drunk and being congratulated by my friends. But I didn;t feel happy and I wasn;t sure why. And then, as if my mouth had a mind of it's own, I just started saying everything that he did to me.

It took weeks for the memories to finally stop popping into my head. And I know there are things my mind will never let me remember. So just know...yes these are real memories...and this is how it rears its head.

Take some time, let yourself remember. and go from there. There is no reason to keep this woman in your life. You can keep your sister and your father even...if you choose. But life is to short to have a relationship with someone who scares you and abuses you. You owe her nothing. My dad always said...forgiving is for you...forgetting is for them. Always forgive....but only forget if you want to.

Good luck op

Katfishing 2 16h32m

I also remembered a trauma memory from my childhood. I'm feeling a lot better since I was able to talk about it but I also felt the anger and hate in the beginning. I'm now attending analytical Therapie to help me deal with this and my depression.

khalabrakis 2 16h32m

Well if they don't come to your wedding, an abuser and man too cowardly to protect his child (worthless people) will be pleasantly absent from the best day of your life. Winning situation.

betzee 2 16h33m

Go to therapy like everyone else said. Yes. But. Also if you feel uncomfortable around her, even after therapy it's perfectly fine to stay away. Do not feel like this family is yours to save. The only person who's feelings matter in this situation is yours. They damaged your innocence some way as a child and now as an adult you have the chance to not let them do it again. She has NO right to speak to you like that as an adult, and if she so badly wants to control who goes to the wedding just shut it down. The wedding in the end is about you and your SO and the love you want to share. Your wedding is about love and joy and if you feel like they will sour it then please think about how badly you really want them there. You have a whole year (or however long) to see if you can make a god relationship with them but it'll be one of mutual respect. As for her coming clean and apologizing, she might apologize in her own way but just from this small reaction to your announcement, I can tell you she will always see you as less than her and will always hold that against you somehow. You're amazing and dont ever let anyone make you feel otherwise.

Delilah-is-done 2 16h36m

This is my worst fear. Large chunks of my childhood are gone but I remember being scared all the time. I remember cps visiting. I honestly hope the memories never come back as I finally have a good relationship with most of my family.

verynamenotmine 1 1h2m

Woow! Good on you for going through with all that, I can only imagine what the future is going to be like but i hope that the man you are going to marry will be there for you if your dad and stepmom won't.

God-of-Tomorrow 1 2h8m

Man I’d beat your step mom with a bat if I was you she’ll never talk shit to you again because it will be her who’s scared of you.

sunshinedaydream774 1 4h18m

The best apology is changed behavior. And while she doesnt get the opportunity to abuse you the way she did in the past, she is still being toxic and trying to drive a wedge with your and your dads relationship.

Your dad is nit innocent here either. Hes her enabler.

Honestly i would cut contact until you have some therapy under your belt.

soddyprints 1 4h29m

First off, your story is very well written, which is better than a lot of people who post here so thank you for that.

I would encourage you, since you seem to be a capable writer, to write down your life story. Write down everything you remember. Put it all down in chronological order. This will help you fill in the gaps and make sense of things.

Even just writing it out will tend to have a therapeutic effect as well. And the more you talk about it the better as well.

Additionally, you can take an academic appraoch to your life story. You can talk to your dad and stepmom and ask them about events from the past. It doesn't always have to be direct conflict "you hit me when i dropped my ice cream didnt you!!" but can just be "I remember we went camping in the mountains, where was that?" this was you can talk about the past with them, help regain your memory and history and piece things together.

In the longer term, talking about the past with them will hopefully open everything up and give everyone a chance to , hopefully, confess and heal. I would look at that part of it as a very long term goal. And now have high expectations for anything for the first few years.

missitoe 1 4h52m

Reading this made me so sad for you. I wish I had advice other than telling your step-monster to kick rocks....but that’s all I got. I hope you seek professional help and keep her out of your life. She sounds horrific. I want to hug little-you and tell her that none of this is your fault, you don’t deserve this, you deserve all the love that comes your way. I had a re-hashing of bad memories very recently, stuff that I suppose I blocked out, and I‘ve gone back to therapy. It helps. But I also don’t know what I’m expecting to get out of it....part of me just wants to move on, but the other part wants to kick and scream and have antagonists take responsibility. I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation so I guess just moving on while really dealing with the issue is what’s hopefully going to happen. Good luck to you. I hope you have a beautiful wedding and move through life with nothing but love and awesomeness.

XxQueenOfSwordsXx 1 4h54m

I don’t have advice on what to do with your dad and stepmom, but please look into EMDR Therapy.

I had trauma come up when I was in my late 20’s/early 30’s from when I was 4-7 years old. EMDR helped me immensely process everything and get through.

Jamielynn80 1 4h56m

SHE IS STILL ABUSIVE that much is clear. I would stay as far away from her as possible.

I had one of those types in my life. She was a gf of my dads from ages 3-7ish. I then lived with her for a couple of years around the age of 9. I also have TONS of black holes in my memories, similar to how you described it, not being able to remember where I lived or with who at various points in my life.

We lost touch for a few years and reconnected when I was about 19. My real mother (also alcoholic, absent, chaotic for my whole life, didn't even meet her until I was 16), died from complications from her alcoholism. I lived with evil stepmom lady for about a year and it wasn't until THEN that I started remembering how badly she abused me as a child. Screaming, gaslighting, digging nails into my arm when she'd grab me, accusing me of lying over absolute nonsense. She had an uncanny way of wearing me down to the point that I would confess to shit I didn't do. How fucked up is that? She started up the same abuse but this time I was older. I lived with her for about a year and it was like pulling teeth to get up the courage to leave and it was literally like escaping an abusive boyfriend. It was SO bizarre and to this day (I am 38 now) I at times have horrible flashbacks and still look over my shoulder thinking she's going to pop up.

Long story short OP, I hear you and you are not alone. I am so sorry to hear about this because I know how awful and overwhelming it is. I recently worked through some of the trauma with therapy and that was really helpful. Hang in there and love yourself. You don't owe these people fucking anything. Your dad should have never allowed for you to be abused like this. I also tried to ask my dad, why didn't you stop me when I reconnected with her, why didn't I remember how bad it was, why didn't you protect me from her in the first place? I still have a lot of unresolved issues because of this lady. Big hugs to you. Take good care.

brutalethyl 1 5h25m

Holy shit. Don't do anything until you get some therapy. You don't need to be making decisions about those people until you get a handle on all this.

I hope the best for you. This sucks.

BlacKnightDragon 1 5h38m

What I think you should do is confront your stepmother and ask her why she did what she did to you. I think you should still have a relationship with them, but remember, you still have your sisters

DanielsMuse527 1 5h39m

Two things OP, one of which has already been mentioned several times but it bears repeating. Therapy like tomorrow. What you need immediately is a totally objective third party who can help you process what you’re remembering in a safe way with no judgement. You are not at a point yet where you should be making long term decisions about relationships or what you want from people. You need to just accept and deal with what you’re remembering. You need to take care of you and only you right now.

Second thing is you don’t have to WANT anything out of this. These are things that happened to you that no one else gets to tell you how to deal with. You don’t have to get over things or let them go unless it’s what you ultimately decide you want to do. If you can’t get over the absolute horror that was your experience with your stepmother not only is that understandable it’s also totally okay. You owe her absolutely nothing regardless of how hard she’s “trying” now. Other people feeling bad about the shit things they did to you or needing you to forgive them for “the sake of the family” should mean absolutely jack shit to you. Please if you take nothing else away from my response take that. You owe no one in this shit show of a situation a goddamn thing, they are not entitled to your forgiveness and they do not get to tell you to “move on.” You are not that little girl anymore. You are brave and strong and in charge and you hold the power now.

ProximateSpade 1 5h47m

I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through, at this point you should be asking yourself too: do you really want these people at your wedding? If theyve brought you so much misery cut them out and have a happy wedding where your evil stepmom wont ruin it. If you really want to invite your dad for the occasion but dont allow her. In the end I suggest talking to a therapist about this, maybe even show them what you've written out here. I wish you all the best

AveenaLandon 1 5h58m

Reading something like this makes me angry. I can’t tell you enough how sorry I am that you had to live through this.

When your stepmom apologized and you accepted her apology, you didn’t know the extent of the damage that she was apologizing for. Just a dry and empty apology is not going to cover the damage that she caused.

Seeing a therapist is a great idea to help you to come to terms with it. You don’t need to have your step mom inyour wedding nor in your life.

When they were young, they thought that they could do whatever to you and get away with it. Now they are getting older and possibly realizing their own mortality. They would need someone to look after them maybe even for extended period of time in the future during their illness. They would need help in managing their day to day lives more and more as the time goes on. Maybe that’s why your step mom is trying to make up. your dad is a partially clueless entity in this or an unwilling participant (in your abuse growing up and during this superficial makeup process). I personally would cut such people from my life. Do you really need any of them?

Your step sister knows what her mom did to you, your dad has an idea what his wife did to you. You really don’t have any obligation towards her. If you would like, you can specifically exclude her from your events and everyone else would understand.

You also need to tell your spouse/SO. You don’t want him being clueless while trying to understand when an innocuous event potentially triggers you. He may end up taking the brunt of it. He is your team, he is in your corner, he is a major part of your support system. You wouldn’t want what your step mom did to you to affect your marriage negatively. Apart from him get as many people in your corner as you can. Having a robust support network always helps.

I wish you the best on the long journey towards your recovery.

Thecardinal74 1 6h6m

Your sister asked what kind of battle you are setting up to wage.

He answer is “none”.

You love your sister and want her in your life, your dad... maybe. But you won’t be seeing her anymore.

You owe them nothing. You are under no obligation to maintain a relationship.

However.... if she truly is sorry, if she truly does want to make amends..... offer her a chance to sit down and prove it by listening to what YOU a have to say about how it made you feel.

Only then can you heal.

And if it doesn’t come about? I didn’t speak to my father for the last 10 years of his life and I have never felt more free than the day I left him behind

Lord-Apollo 1 6h10m

That is a rough situation with no happy outcomes. But always remember that you survived. You got out, maybe not unscathed but you are well adjusted enough that you know what real love is and what isn’t real love. You have learned to trust, and more importantly who to trust. Just remember that no choice will make you feel better about it, only time will. Thoughts about making them understand and feel sorry may make you feel better about it in the moment but only lead to an addiction to trying to punish them more and more, to try and retain that savage pleasure in their sadness and/or repentance. But it wont make you whole. If it is for the purpose of making them better people, I wholeheartedly agree that you should talk with them about it. But the damage is done, and any action taken to try to alleviate your suffering through angry words will only prolong your rage. You are better than them but only in the actions you take. So far it sounds like you have been MUCH better than them. No one else needs to suffer. Just think carefully who is truly there for you and who is not, and the people that you decide have your best interest at heart should have your full attention. Those who do not need to be left behind. Its up to you to decide who they are.

TL;DR You should worry about the people who actually love you and ditch those who don’t. Don’t worry about people who wont be there for you.

EmeraldKrom 1 6h23m

Please go to therapy and if you need to please cut them loose. I bet your stepmom is still a bully and your dad won't stand up for you, they should've been happy for your engagement but they aren't.

1982booklover 1 6h26m

As someone who endured something very similar, it’s very important that you deal with it now. Talk to your father alone and tell him exactly how you feel now and how you felt then. It’s important that he knows and it hopefully gives him an opportunity to apologize to you without his wife present. You can confront your step mother or send her a letter, either way, tell her everything. She needs to know what she did to do and if she doesn’t feel any remorse, that’s your cue to cut her out. You are about to start a new chapter and if you have kids, you do not want her near them. Don’t ever feel bad for cutting toxic people out of your life. Once I started my own family, it became my job to protect them from people like this and I do not feel sorry for anyone that would treat a child this way. I would also see a therapist, everyone needs a good therapist. Your marriage should start with you having a better grasp on your past so you can have brighter future. Don’t feel guilty for bringing any of this up, it’s not your fault it happened and it needs to be dealt with regardless if it makes others uncomfortable.

malYca 1 6h34m

You need therapy, trust me it'll make all of this a lot easier. I always made sure I'd never forget, seared it into my brain, and I have never forgiven my father or the she demon he married. She still sends me emails as olive branches, but I can't forgive her. Maybe you'll have better luck, maybe you won't, but one thing you have to always remember is you aren't the one ruining anything. The people that decided to abuse a helpless kid are the ones to blame for all of it, what happened then and the fallout now. You are not to blame.

selectivelydeep 1 6h35m

You need to let your dad read this entire post, and then after he has had a little time to process you should speak with him alone without your step mother there.

huhzonked 1 6h43m

They were never a parent to you, so you aren’t obligated to treat them as such. You said they are trying, but they didn’t respond to your text. The longer they remain silent, the more telling the situation is.

Your sister and fiancé sound wonderful, and they would be the ones I’d rely on.

tealturtley 1 6h54m

Just know you aren't the only one out there dealing with repressed childhood memories as a result of a crappy stepmom. Cut her out of your life if you possibly can. It sounds like your siblings are all grown so she has no control over your life if you so choose. Choose only to do what makes you happy.

colorthat 1 6h58m

I just started reading this book from the library, you could check it out:


Your dad and stepmom do not treat you how you deserve to be treated. People like that rarely change. I'd work on distancing yourself from them and focusing on healthy relationships like your fiance. Congrats on the engagement!! Anyone that doesnt want you to be truly happy doesnt deserve to even go to your wedding.

selfawaresquare 1 7h12m

My advice is to seek therapy and take a long break from them. You don't have to wage a battle, you don't have to confront them, you don't have to keep up a false pretext of a relationship, you don't have to depend on them for some sort of closure. What you have to do is focus on yourself and your healing. Allow yourself the time and the space and the grace to start that journey. If they ask about why you are distant, answer honestly. I suddenly and unexpectedly remembered a large chunk of my childhood and I'm trying to work my way though that. I need space from you for the time being.

Good luck, op.

edishot 1 7h15m

I would try to manage some kind of relationship with your dad if I were you, but your stepmom is an evil person. It would be irresponsible for you to leave grandkids alone with her. She deserves to be punished and you may be the only one who can make that happen by cutting her out of your life.

QuitaQuites 1 7h20m

I recommend therapy for you by yourself and you with them.

ender_wiggin1988 1 7h32m

Your father is a fucking coward.

I say this as a son and as a father who has done better than my old man.

trebuchetnumberone 1 7h32m

First, cut them out of your life. Second, therapy if needed. But I suggest trying it without it first. And you shouldnt feel any bit of guilt about cutting your so called parents out of your life.

RadioIsMyFriend 1 7h32m

If you're up for some real advice do exactly this.

Cut them out of your life.

Your're about to get married. Ask yourself the following:

  1. Will my step-mom be a good MIL?
  2. If we have kids, will my step-mom and Dad overstep boundaries?
  3. Does feeling vindicated or validated actually make you feel better?

What I suggest is you love your Dad at a distance for the sake of your new husband to be and for the sake of your sanity. Your step-mom is not some hurdle for you or a woman you should feel you need to stand up too. It's understandable your confidence has been shaken and since your Mom's death you feel alone but if this lady isn't going anywhere and you don't want to spend the next 30 years being tormented by her, you need to just let it go and accept that they will never be who you want them to be.

You'll feel 100% better once you take control of your life and no longer allow the past to dictate how you feel.

Fiber_fan 1 7h37m

I have a relationship with my primary abuser. She's 70 now. My enabler, a man who I loved deeply and dearly, passed away 5 years ago. There is never a second I don't miss him, no matter how complicated. They were married for almost 48 years.

And yes I get angry about it. I get angry that he never kept me safe, that I was never the priority. And it still hurts and always will.

My mother, my abuser, has improved her behavior dramatically. And it's taken the death of her abusers, multiple very angry confrontations, and VERY clear boundary setting. She knows, with out a doubt, that I do not have a problem grabbing my purse and walking out forever. She knows, without a doubt, that I don't care about any will or property. I have the one thing out of the house that I wanted. My father's shadow box from his military retirement. That's it.

She knows all of this because I confronted her. And I backed up my threats. There have been many times of no contact. As I am the proud mama of their only grandchild, it was a very serious consequence. Get a grip on your shit or get the hell out. End of story.

My Daddy.... Oh that will always be a hard one. Multiple times, I begged him to leave her and take me. He would take me with him for the day, doing whatever he was up to. It was his way of keeping me out of her wrath. Even as an adult, I confronted him many times.

I think one of the hardest aspects of growing up is realizing that the people who are meant to protect us are flawed. My Daddy was a good man. He was kind and gentle and compassionate. But he was weak. He didn't have the strength to face raising a daughter with her own issues on his own. My mother was frequently cruel, manipulative, and verbally abusive. But she was taught that. It wasn't until her abusers died, when she finally knew all the way that she was safe, that the person under the scars came out.

Slowly, with tentative careful steps, mom and I are building a relationship. I will be spending two days next week caring for her after surgery. And another two days two weeks later (cataracts but with medical complications.). For some reason she does well with me caring for her. Part of it is I'm even more stubborn than she is. But part of it is proves to her that I am a trustworthy adult. A lot of her life didn't have those.

I did a lot of therapy. And I mean A LOT. Mom has had some counseling. She finds it easier to not dig too deep. (And with her past, it's understandable. So far beyond a lifetime movie.). We have set rules. And they are clear and openly discussed. We're trying. Both of us equally for once.

Moving forward for you... I strongly recommend therapy. And probably EMDR and regular old talk therapy. It is totally fair to confront them. For me the base requirement was they had to admit ownership over them hurting me. Both of them. Mom for abusing me. Daddy for not getting me out. It's going to take time to figure what boundaries you need. Be patient with yourself. Journal. Journal. Journal. Use it as a daily check I with yourself.

As to any future relationship, that's up to you. But I would only do it with clear and straight forward rules.

As a fellow survivor, there is a light at the end of this very long tunnel. And it's not a train. It can even be sunny some days.

Feel free to PM if you are looking for someone to listen.

Fatimeee 1 7h45m

I wonder why the adults who clearly saw the abuse never did anything about it(neighbors & her sisters)? Did they ever say anything to your dad or stepmom or report it?

Apologizing and telling you there is a safe space thing is one thing, but that's not fair to put on a child.

8530683641 1 8h6m

They are the bad people for not being excited with your engagement so you can cut them off from your life. Focus on your future with your partner because that is what will be with you forever. Start distancing yourself from them and give them clear hint that you can stay without them and can stay happy too. Talk to your boyfriend about this so you will get his support to make things better.

Catdawg42 1 8h26m

Therapy. And please, please understand that as adults we can choose our family! Just because.they're blood does not mean they are family. You can be mad, and never want to speak to them again. You should NOT feel guilty that your father couldn't grow some balls and stand up FOR A CHILD, and that you resent him and are angry with him for that. Please go talk to a professional about this and find out what you feel is best for you, even if that's not what society expects of you. Much much love from someone who understands fucked up parents

ninjas_cousin 1 8h29m

Youre engaged. You have a new life and new relationships ahead of you. You dont need them. If they come forward and apologize and take responsibility, then its up to you to decide to forgive them or not. If they dont, you dont need them. Good luck op, keep us updated if possible

ganjafinch 1 8h41m

This happened to me as I was planning my wedding. Something finally clicked and every little thing flashed back, the more I thought it through, I began recalling specific details. I basically got called out as well for speaking up about the abuse. You do what's best for you and put yourself first. You have every right to speak up for yourself now. But remember- they are who they are and you just have to accept their reactions. That being said... they do not respect you. Do not feel guilty for remembering. Let them come to you if they want to talk it out. Fuck them for not celebrating your marriage. Focus on you and your husband.

ellaC97 1 8h48m

Take your dad to a therapy session, ask your therapist to explain him the amount of damage they made, then if he wants to act like nothing happened you will know what to do.

pickledrabbit 1 8h53m

My situation with my dad is different, but there are similarities. He was incredibly abusive and for a long time I blocked it out the way you did. It was thebo ly way to cope. When I finally started to confront it all I went to therapy. I've been in therapy for ten years now, and the whole time I've known I should cut him out of my life, but I just wasn't able to. I didn't want to disrupt the family. I didn't want to make waves or cause a scene. I didn't want to have to confront him. There were so many reasons. But earlier this year he came to visit my sister, and I saw him too. And I just knew. I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't bear to listen to him tell me how proud he was of me, knowing that everything I am is in spite of the horrific upbringing he gave me. So I finally cut him off. I didn't realize how good it was going to feel to be 100% on my side; to send myself the message that I'm worth standing up for, even to my father, and even at the risk of disrupting my family. Your stepmother is an abuser and your father enabled her. You deserve to be firmly on your side. You deserve to not have to live with that kind of fear in your life anymore. Don't spend the next ten years wavering like I did. I know how hard it is - believe me I really do, but I'm telling you that you are worth it. And if you can be brave enough to love yourself that much your life with be so much better.

Edit- typo

starri_ski3 1 8h53m

I feel for you. I had a similar experience with an evil stepmom, only I was a little older and not afraid to fight back. My stepmom was also a relentless bully, but manipulative and used to attempts at protecting myself as a scapegoat to play the victim to my dad. So, she was horrible to me, I would yell back at her, and then she would go running to my dad and make it all out to be my fault. She turned my dad against me and I had a horrible time trying to be a teenager.

The difference is Ive remembered all of it, my whole life, and it’s affected me my whole life, and still to this day. Today, on the surface, we’re all fine. We’re one big happy family, but secretly I still hate her, resent her, have anger towards her. In the end it only ends up hurting me because I’m the one carrying this around in my heart.

I guess what I’m trying today is that time does not make these things go away. I do hope you go to therapy and try to find a way to work through this so you can maintain some kind of relationship with the only parents you have left. I guess I should follow my own advice and do the same.

Thanks for sharing.

qriuschic 1 8h53m

Fuck both of them! You were severely abused in every aspect and I recommend intensive therapy. You don’t need them!

killrwr 1 8h55m

I only made it half way but honestly your stepmom sounds like a b*tch nobody has the right to tell a child or anybody how they sleep unless it’s like snoring and it affects your personal sleep but sleeping positions come on, I don’t care if your the pope.. I would immediately tell your dad (if he picks her over you, good riddance) and get therapy.. as a kid my parents would only wake us up in a emergency eg earthquake or for travel (but then we’d sleep in the car or on the plane)

sug_min 1 8h59m

I don't really have any advice or have anything helpful to say.. Just want to say that this was a really interesting post, thanks for sharing!

Eli_Siav_Knox 1 9h15m

I’m going to be straightforward. You don’t need people in your life just cause you wanna have “parents”. Parents aren’t parents only by name and if this is how they acted you are not loosing them now you already lost them a long long time ago. You just can’t accept it and that’s why your psyche blocked it from you. They made that choice not you, but you are having a hard time accepting that you can’t do anything about it. Leave. Be free of this. You have a man who loves you, you’re not gonna be alone if that’s what you’re scared of. Trying to keep them for the sake of “having parents” is what forced your psyche to double down on itself and lie to you because otherwise it would have not been possible to accept

max_gooph 1 9h16m

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, I am a very impulsive person so I want to advice you to cut them out so bad but instead I will give you a piece of advice that has always stuck with me

When you don’t know what to do, the best thing to do is nothing

Meaning, take care of yourself now. Wedding won’t be until like a year? Get therapy, allow some distance. And then you’ll know what to do.

Please eat some nice ice cream and take care of yourself :)

BrooklynIntrovert 1 9h22m

You’re entitled to feel the way you do and frankly I believe it’s a blessing that you’ve managed to remember these suppressed memories now rather than later. I for one would not invite either of them to your wedding and frankly I would use this time to seek not only a new life but therapy as well. You should not feel bad for feeling how you feel and what your “parents” have done is inexcusable. I suggest you create some distance for awhile and focus on your healing process until you can come to a decision of how you want to proceed with your relationship with them.

Best of luck and sending many blessings.

Illgetbacktouonthat 1 9h25m

I am so sorry you went through that. None of it was your fault. It is something you must work through for the sake of you. Don’t expect anything from them. They will deny or defend their actions but won’t take responsibility because there is no way to make that behaviour okay. You were a child! The treatment was inexcusable. To say she won’t attend your wedding when she doesn’t even know the date is a sign nothing has really changed in her. Don’t let your past shadow your future. Face it deal with it. Work through it and let it go for your sake. Whatever you so don’t buy into the manipulations. Not even your sister! What do you expect to come of it? Are you kidding me? She should be supportive of you in anyway you need. She knows what you went through even if you didn’t until now. Face your anger and don’t let it fester. Free yourself. Best of luck and remember there is no time limit on working through what you need to.

AuntyTrishy 1 9h25m

One of our brain's jobs is to protect us. Your brain did that by filing away a lot of the hurtful things you experienced. That's okay. Now that you remember, you get to decide what you do with that info. These people sound like they don't deserve a relationship with you and YOU get to decide if they get to or not. You have the power now that you're an adult. Sometimes families don't work so you keep your distance. That's okay too.

I wish you the very best. Only keep those close who truly love you.

[deleted] 1 9h26m

Your step mom is Despicable! I am so sorry you went thru that but so happy for you that you are in a safe relationship.

You shouldn’t feel bad. You should be mad. It is Norma To feel MANY emotions when painful, traumatic memories come up

Please see a therapist ASAP .. they will help you process this

schwol 1 9h28m

I don't have advice, just sending well wishes. What a horrible person she was.

livamenjaro 1 9h32m

I’m so sorry you went through all of this. I’m someone who has to know and understand how things work, so when I was dealing with my own trauma, my therapist recommended I read The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk. He’s a doctor and explains what happens in the brain and body after and during trauma. One thing I’ve learned from him is that losing big chunks of your memory is very common in PTSD. It’s kind of a difficult read if you don’t have much medical background, but you should give it a try if you’re interested!!

trippytea123 1 9h34m

I think it all depends on really where you want to go from here with your relationship with the two of them. Can it be salvaged? Yes...do you want that? Do you want the fake relationship or are you, after all this has been kicked up want some validation and a change to the "norm."

I had my own messed up childhood some of which I still cant recall, but the one thing I do know is that when I had to confront parents, the validation was liberating. For the first time I felt in control of how I felt our relationship would be from that point on. It's weird but you have the ability to not live in fear or unsettled feelings with your stepmom. Her saying sorry or whatever was a half ass attempt that you should really bring up. You should make her own what she did and who she was to you because after that that child fear leaves. You are then able to look at this through the eyes of an adult and set you boundaries and call both of them out on bs when either tries to pull something. My advice take a minute to collect yourself and your thoughts and hit this head on so that you can feel better.

OceansOfUmbrellas 1 9h38m

Go low contact, at least for a while, and get in some intensive therapy for help to process your feelings so you can move forward with your life in an intelligent and authentic way. Full nuclear may seem tempting now, but it makes for awkward times during large family events like weddings or funerals where their presence is an inevitability.

I'm almost certain your fiancé will understand if you need to postpone the wedding until you get to a better and more stable place with all of this.

This isn't the type of thing that one or even a hundred internet comments are going to solve overnight, no matter how awesome the advice is. This one requires professional help. Kinda like how a broken leg still needs physiotherapy when it comes out of the cast.

Basically... Get into therapy, not because any of this is your fault, but because you don't want to wind up hurting yourself more than them in the long run should you pursue confrontation.

AxalonNemesis 1 9h40m

They're not parents. They never were.

HekmatyarYure 1 9h41m

I had around a year worth of repressed memories I got back when I was 18, I remembered it had happened, but because I never remembered the details I always played it off and called my past-self "weak" because what little I remembered shouldn't have been enough for me to have depression and attempt suicide

But what I remembered wasn't all that had been

I've seen people mention EMDR, I second it, I am now 21 but I should have sought help the second I remembered, right now I still have lingering mental illnesses from the trauma, and this anger and hatred I don't know where to direct, I'll be seeking help myself soon

Your step-mother abused you, you have no reason to keep her in your life

Your father was supposed to protect you and he didn't, you have no reason to keep him in your life

Chances are, he knew she didn't treat you well but downplayed it to make himself feel better, if you feel like telling him, you should, he should know exactly what kind of things she did to you and what kind of person she was, because she still is

And if it's not enough for him to realize he should be cutting her off, then that just goes to show just how little he values you, and he deserves no place in your life

Congratulations on your engagement, your fiancé can be your family now, you are not alone, don't let people who hurt you stay in your life just because they have been part of it for a long time, they never treated you like one

They were never family to you

I wish you the best

Thenightisyoungish 1 9h52m

First of all, you should think about therapy to try to help you come to terms with your traumatic childhood. It really can help.

As for the short term, you write that you are angry. That’s okay, it’s natural. It’s what you do with your anger that matters. Lashing out at the world would be pointless and futile. Use that anger to determine what kind of relationship you have with your father and his wife. You should determine the nature of that relationship, not them. Do not cover up for them. Do not allow them to belittle you in any way. You need to stand up for yourself, because they sure as hell won’t. Your relationship with your sister sounds healthy and strong, maintaining that is a good thing. But do not apologise for no longer taking the shit that others deal out. Your father’s ring comment is particularly shitty. You are the older sister, of course you were likely to get engaged first, so what’s his problem? You should call him out on it. You should also be prepared to limit your contact with them both. No matter what you currently think they are not good people.

OP, you were not dealt the best start in life but you seem to be doing pretty well regardless. Do not allow yourself to be dragged down or limited in any way by these unpleasant people.

Faust1134 1 9h53m

You mention being sober and if you are part of the fellowship of recovery I would highly recommend reaching out to your sponsor or asking someone to work with you if you haven't already. Best of luck.

RubyEmerald22 1 9h56m

If you have to let them go … please let them go. I’ve been through this why process of recovering repressed memories myself before. At first I had pretty bad PTSD … then when I gained control over that I had a better hold of the memories they re-emerged as I grew older. Anyway … you need to give yourself time to heal. Plan a getaway with friends or independently, you can seek a place where the life distracts or more peaceful environment. Write it out, journal , poetry, stories … whatever works for you. Self care , meditation with diffusers it baths … but really I think you’d benefit greatly seeing a professional or expressing it via any sort of reflection. Take up a hobby, join a community or some type of club maybe. You need to get your mind off of it , cut people off but also keep your peace because anger and hate will just burden you. Maybe join a religious group or something spiritual … but any sort of support will help.

Toriopoirot 1 9h56m

No contact your mother and father to be honest.

Absocold 1 9h57m

I am so sorry for your loss. Loss of childhood, loss of closeness with family, loss of trust. Your whole situation really, really sucks. What you're describing in this post is trauma. You had multiple traumatic instances of abuse as a child and your body and mind did what it could to keep you safe. It shut down the memories and closed up that hole while still reminding you that your stepmother is dangerous.

I see people recommending therapy which is a good option. However, you should also know that trauma doesn't make you a "damaged" person. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't mean you can't function as a normal human in society. It simply means that your body and mind worked as it was designed to keep you safe.

Texting your stepmother was incredibly brave. There are so few people in this world that have the courage to call out their abuser. You're right to be angry at her. What she did to you was horrible. You're right to be angry at your father. He should have protected you. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you. The adults in your life should have loved you.

You need to know that your stepmother is still an abuser. There's going to be a shit ton of people who say to "give her a chance." She's still an abuser. She still wants to control you. She still sees you as a threat to her relationship with your father. That is why she responded to your engagement announcement the way she did. She wants to control you with guilt. She wants to manipulate your relationship with your father. She hasn't changed. The only thing that has changed is that now you know.

Lastly... What do you do? First, right now you need to focus on you, not on whether to continue or cut off relationships. If you have the money, go speak to a "trauma informed" therapist. Make sure that trauma is what they specialize in. My wife and I adopted four children who came from a home where they experienced a lot of trauma. I can't tell you how helpful the trauma informed therapists we've found have been in navigating our children's history. Find a good therapist who can help you deal with all the righteous anger you feel. You'll most likely find it difficult, validating and rewarding. Then, once you've got a handle on how you truly feel you'll be ready to make a decision about where to go in your relationship. Right now you need to focus on you. You're stronger than you feel right now.

teelee383 1 10h0m

Sounds a lot like my life growing up.. my stepmom was always mean to me, always mad, always making me cry. My dad never stood up for me either. My stepmom was controlling, manipulative and just crazy. No one could ever stand up to her. I haven’t seen either of them in about ten years now. I talk to my dad on the phone and I love him, mostly I just feel sorry for him that he’s still in a situation that he probably feels he can’t get out of. It got to a point for me where I just stopped caring and just moved on with my own life. It is what it is and I can’t go back and change anything. Separation from toxic relationships is vital. I haven’t even tried to ‘fix’ the relationship with my stepmom, there is no point. I’ve found only I can make myself feel better about everything I went through in my past, turning to the people that have hurt me to try and heal the wounds will only lead to disappointment (that is what I’ve found for myself at least). Surround yourself with the people who care. It sounds like you have a wonderful fiancé and sister. Focus on your new marriage and the wonderful memories you guys can make in your own little family.

Fire_Fist-Ace 1 10h7m

Do what feels right , if being around them is no comfortable then don’t be around them

Lucky_Yolo 1 10h7m

Leave them amd live your own life. The simple fact is that those people dont and will never care, BUT YOU HAVE TO LOVE AND CARE FOR YOURSELF. I cannot stress this enouph. THERE ISNT A GOD DAMNED THING WRONG WITH YOU.

Take care of yourself and live your life. Know that you are not alone.

My mother treated me like a third wheel my entire life, I can tell you that they believe that everything they ever did was true and ritious. She doesnt regret a fcking moment of it and never will they. For these reasons I found a way to move the fck on. I live by myself and dont even speak to them unless Im checking to see if she is ok (that is my mother so I want to make sure she is taken care of).

If talking to them starts to piss me off I fcking stop and walk away. No one gives a shit about your mental wellfare like you do PERIOD!!!

I hope like hell you find a good place to be.

Chapsticklover 1 10h10m

I would go to therapy and think things over. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Take the time you need to make the decision that you feel good about.

oursagacontinues 1 10h13m

Healing the Child Within is a short good book I recommend to clients that have had childhood trauma. The key is you are no longer a child and now as an adult have the ability to be empowered and stand up for yourself. Something you were not able to do as a child. You no longer need to fear her because you are not a victim, you are a survivor and should be very proud of yourself and everything you have accomplished. Congrats on your engagement!!!

FinnianWhitefir 1 10h15m

I recently ran across the concept of Complex PTSD and it was like everything was answered about my issues. You might want to check it out.

This video did a great job of showing how this stuff forms: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=otxAuHG9hKo

This series did an amazing job of explaining my thought processes, why I do certain things and don't do others. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6IxEwPMqB-c

MrsSkeleton 1 10h40m
pyropenguin1 1 10h43m

This post brought tears to my eyes reading it, but you should keep one thing in mind: she can't hurt you anymore. This doesn't excuse the horrific treatment you endured, but it does mean that you can grant yourself (and your family) the grace to move on and grow. <3

lmoana 1 10h53m

This is probably useless to you but I would say that parents are overrated. You don't owe them anything just because they're your parents, especially if they treated you like this.

This isn't a judgement on you but I wish people would stop caring so much about what their family thinks of them and what they do. You don't owe any of them anything. Narcissistic assholes will often bring up points such as "I did so much for you and this is how you repay me?" or something along those lines. Hang on a minute? I thought you did all of those things for me because you loved me. Unconditional love and all that? Are you now saying that you did all of those things just to get some form of repayment in the future? Like giving out a loan or making an investment?

You don't owe them anything.

(This is not to say that you shouldn't help your family or be grateful for what they've done for you. If you love them and do want to help them, you will do that because you love them. NOT because you owe it to them for loving you in the past.)

infinitez_ 1 10h57m

!RemindMe 7 days

RemindMeBot 1 10h57m

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ghostofalaska 1 10h57m

I’m just gonna restate what a lot of people here have already said; get into a therapist. Trauma is a bitch to recover from, and from my experience/knowledge it’s damn close to impossible to do it all on your own. From personal experience, EMDR can be a massive help, if you want more info you can google it (I’m trash at explanations) I really recommend it, it changed my life. Please know you’re not alone in this, and there are people and resources in your corner. You can heal from this, please don’t just try to ignore it or down play it. You deserve to heal, and there are lots of options for you now. Best of luck, and I’m so sorry that this all came out during a time that’s supposed to be a celebration and that you had to deal with any of this in the first place.

dca_user 1 10h58m

It could be that they realize that they need you to take care of them as they get older. It’s fairly common for abusive parents to be nicer to their adult children for that reason.

Pull away from your dad and stepmom for now. Go to therapy and then decide how you want to interact with them.

You don’t need them to come to your wedding.

Hugs OP

KidsInNeed 1 10h59m

I have no advice but I suffer from the same thing. I don’t remember much about my childhood. Just bits and pieces. Some when I was 5,7 and 10. There’s one moment I just remember waking up and being 12. I woke up confused and disoriented until I remembered where and who I was. It’s strange and I wish I could remember but I’m afraid to.

I hope things work out for you.

SashaWoodson 1 11h2m

She sounds like she has borderline personality disorder, which in some people, kinda fades away in their 50s. They’re still train wrecks, but it’s more chill.

cyn_rom 1 11h5m

I am so sorry you had to go through this.. I’m in tears for you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling right now. I hope the best for you.

gladiolas 1 11h5m

What exactly did your text say to them?

greenchimpanzee 1 11h7m

If you had kids with your partner, would you let them watch the kid unsupervised? It sounds like your step-mom is probably mentally ill and your dad is a sucker for her. It’s a no win. You want your dad around, but she is part of the package. I was in a similar spot 10 years ago and I just let the whole relationship go and put it on my father to fix it. He let it go and we haven’t spoken since and I’m good with it.

Do get therapy though. That’s s must.

OmniFN 1 11h11m

!remind me

itshattersitisgone 1 11h18m

You can love your dad and never interact with your step mom again. That’s the advantage of being an adult. You get to choose. I’d suggest therapy too. But stop letting this woman bully you. And really really try to sit down with your dad without HER there. Talk about how you’d really like him to be at your wedding you are his daughter not hers. Don’t be hateful or mad just really express how important it is that he at least show up for awhile .

I totally understand where you are coming from because my parents divorced and my dad married a troll and basically cut me out of his life because of this woman.

KajinVuDoo 1 11h18m

You need therapy I went through a situation for the last three days and brought up a lot of demons I thought I had-buried. Unfortunately people that like you have hard pasts They usually have to continue therapy and treatment for their hard past because a lot of them cannot stop going because then they regress. And I am one of those people because two days ago I regressed RIGHT back to that broken down 15 year old that believed everyone was out to get her, hated her, and lost every sense of self control and confidence that took me over 6 YEARS of therapy to build. Yeah. So please go to therapy. Anxiety, depression, etc from any kind of abuse, is NO joke. People don’t realize how hard it is to deal with a brain that won’t shut down Bc of trauma forced upon you as a young child or adult. I don’t think my boyfriend fully understands and he’s known me for around 6 years nearly, but I’ve never really TOLD him everything yet. I’d probably send him screaming if he truly knew EVERYTHING that happened to me when I was a kid and a teenager.

supremeunicorn11 1 11h23m

If its possible I highly suggest a professional therapist or counseling.

KajinVuDoo 1 11h28m

Just ALWAYS REMEMBER that you are not the one at fualt. Your brain shut ALL that shit out to protect you. Mine did it too. You wouldn’t BELEIVE some of the things I remember and still dream about now and then and wake up struggling to breath and freaking out bc my brain totally blanks things out. You deal with it in your own way. Our brains are truly AMAZING and so self sabotaging. (Unintentionally.) My mother sounds ALOT like yours. On her wedding night to her fifth husband I tried to stop it. Begged her not too something was terribly off about him. And she throws me in the kitchen spilling food all over me and screaming at me in front of the whole wedding party to not ruin her beautiful night. And it turns out two years later we’re turning the computer over to the police bc there’s childporn on it and he was caught watching me through the windows of my bedroom on camera So.... Go to therapy. Lay it all out. They WILL help you walk through and navigate this mess. Just always keep in mind that it’s not your fualt they treated and still treat you this way. I’m still the scapegoat, the black sheep, I can do nothing right. I’ve just learned to ignore it as hard as it is to clench my jaw and grind my teeth and walk away. Sometimes I can’t, but most of the time I can. I’ve moved about 100 miles away now from all that toxicity in my life. and I’ve been ALOT happier.

puggs123 1 11h30m

My advice, have a 1 on 1 talk with your dad, if you really do believe he loves you, he is the one you should trust, but if your stepmom has had that hate in her heart for 33 years. You need to tell her to piss off. Dont listen to the people saying just to get rid of your parents, your dad is your only dad, you cant just get another dad. Your stepmom is just trying to control your dad so she can get what she wants, and thats what you should look for. If she cant let you spend time with your dad alone, she isnt a your mom, shes just your dads wife. Also dont be afraid of her, you can tell her off if she tries shit now. If your dad wants to go to your wedding, but she wont let him, tell her to piss off and mind her own damn buisiness. Dont feel bad for defending yourself and your father. She cant do shit to you anymore. Tell your dad, what you want to tell him, and make sure she isnt there, and dont just say shit for sympathy, mean it, and his reaction will either say, i dont love you, or i love you, if its no, dont just say i tried im done. Just live with it, and let yourself be happy knowing what you know after it all, the choice is up to you, im just saying what id do in this situation. Dont feel like this is a guide to happiness, it isnt, this is just a way to approach it if you want to and you feel its a good approach.

Cakeikins 1 11h30m

I hate, really hate, when someone says ‘I am going to ruin the family bringing all this up’. No, you are not. Your step mum ruined it for abusing you all these years. It can’t go on forever being swept under the rug.

But therapy. You absolutely must get into therapy. You are at a vulnerable point and really need professionally support and now. There’s no shame in it, you have been abused and you don’t want to risk it ruining your future now it’s going well with your fiancé (congratulations!)

OppressivelyPolite 1 11h34m

I just want to say, no one should EVER feel guilty for bringing up how someone hurt them, the guilt lies always with the party that (please excuse the wording) brings the pain. I wish I had a real suggestion for help but all I can say is headbutt your stepmum, apologise to your dad, and hug your partner. Good luck with whatever you do into the future!

Draigdwi 1 11h34m

Do you even want them around any more? You can keep contact with your sisters and thats it.

I know dad walking daughter down the aisle is a big thing in UK and US but there are other beautiful European based traditions you may want to consider: the man of honour and lady of honour both walk the young couple, 4 people walking together, only the priest waiting at the altar, couple of honour go first and show the way to the young ones, part by the altar and after the ceremony going out of the church they follow the newlyweds. If present then all parents, grandparents have first row honourable seats followed by aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, friends in random seats.

The good thing about this arrangement is that you can choose the people who will walk with you.

skrulewi 1 11h35m

Hey I just wanted to wish you congratulations on the sober thing, if that cheers you up at all. About everything else I have no good advice. I only know I've never regretted a decision to not drink, sober ten years now. I wish you the very best.

keepingitamber 1 11h36m

Go see a therapist to get appropriate assistance in how to deal with this.

DoG_TaGs13 1 11h37m

I feel you. My mom had this guy who she date during my crucial teenage years and he was abusive as hell. She a lot of time didn’t stop what he was doing to me. I took all the physical stuff and a lot of mental stuff as I would not let him near my sister. She is older but I’m very protective of her. I have to confess something. I know it seems like you want to give your dad and step mom another chance, but you have take that decision very seriously. My moms bf who isn’t around anymore tried to make it up and apologize to me toward the end of his time in my life. I didn’t give him a chance because I decided what he did wasn’t something I could forgive. You have to make that decision. I have forgiven my mom though I have a different relationship with her. She let a lot of stuff he did go, and it was hard but I made up with her. It’s just a decision you have to make on your own.

DitLaS 1 11h38m

She sounds exactly like my mom. First of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through all this as a child! It's a lot to process and to deal with and it affects you in so many more ways than is fair (I've had years of therapy and a whole bunch of toxic relationships as a result from my childhood).

The anger is normal. I used to have a lot of it and at times it now still comes to surface, but it has become more manageable throughout the years. In my situation, I have cut out my mom almost completely out of my life. Because I don't feel safe around her, because she still is emotionally toxic and to give myself some peace of mind because the anger does tend to resurface everytime I've had contact with her.

What I would recommend is to not feel guilty for your feelings, do not feel like you owe them anything, do not feel like you should just magically be able to let go of what happened to you as a child.

And, get therapy. You have a lot to work through and it's too much to do by yourself. A professional therapist can guide you through the process.

Also, due to my childhood it feels to me like I don't really have 'roots', like I don't really have this unconditional safety net which I can always rely to and for years I have felt very lonely and anxious and disconnected. I've worked hard on building deep, meaningful friendships and I'm now surrounded by people who, are not my family, but who will help me when I need help, will be there for me when I need emotional support. And to have these people in my life has helped a lot with that feeling of having nobody.

It sounds harsh but there's a realistic chance that your parents will never be the support system you need. Don't focus on trying to get that from them. Focus on building your own support system of people who chose and love to be in your life.

moondroplet- 1 11h40m

I agree with all the therapy advice, but wanted to add that it’s ok if you don’t decide anything. Life is hardly ever like the big dramatic moments you see in films. Most of the time things happen gradually and over long periods of time. Take it easy and do what feels right for you.

When I started remembering, I also wanted to make a big bold statement and thought I had to figure it all out ASAP, which added massively to my anxiety, but the truth is you don’t. Just do what feels right and see how they respond. Relationships are a two way thing, don’t let them trick you into doing all the work on your own.

fractal_imagination 1 11h51m

Honestly.. This might be unpopular, but often parents are fucked up. I dissociated from both my biological and step-parents from an early age. Do yourself a favour and do the same, for your own mental sanity. Life is so much better without them (if they're abusive). If you have to, don't spend more than 2 hours a week with them, preferably 1 hour. That's my policy, it's a real shame but when they're toxic it's for the best. Try not to get caught up in the toxicity with return retribution or anything like that (not saying you will, but it's common, human nature), just walk away from it. Enjoy the life you have with your partner and nurture that love. If your parents want a part in your life they need to realise their ways and conform. And if they don't it's their loss as they're excluding themselves from their child's life. Sorry if this seems extreme or negative but it's worked for me. Good luck with it OP, I wish you all the best with your family life 🙏

imagine_thinking 1 11h59m

Should check out /r/raisedbynarcissists

akelew 1 12h7m


No, she simply had a moment of clarity.

read: https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/moments-of-clarity

Its pretty clear based on her actions after regarding your wedding that her views about you havent changed at all.

All she did was say 'im sorry i was mean'. She hasnt had any time to back that up with actions, actually she has, and she prove to you her actions and her words do not align.

I really think you should pop over to



And have a read through the following list and see howmuch you recognize, the following list is excellent for getting your 'normal-meter' back on track: http://outofthefog.website/traits

CuteThingsAndLove 1 12h12m

This is way above my pay grade and I dont want to give you advice that is probably bad. I just want you to know that reading this made me so sad and angry on your behalf, at both your stepmom and father. They are both awful and I do think you dont need them in your life to feel fulfilled with familial love. I think if you have a good relationship with your siblings then keep them close as you possibly can.

Are your fiancee's parents nice? You are getting married, which means you are going to have in-laws. If they're nice, I would gravitate towards them for a parental relationship.

As for the relationship with the awful parents in question, I seriously suggest therapy, I know you already see a therapist but make sure they are qualified to help with childhood trauma. If not, find a separate therapist for this issue.

Lastly, reading all this makes me want to be your friend. My inbox is open if you ever want to rant or talk about something besides this issue.

Ladyofworries 1 12h14m

My one advice as someone who has had a step parent like her is do what you need to. You said you wanted to know why and how much your dad knows? You have every right to. She tortured you so bad your mind needed to protect you from it. If you can never work trough this it will keep haunting and hurting you, if your dad does not want to help you heal you don’t need him in your life and at the same time, i would want to tell her she is a horrible person and that she has not changed a bit because she did the same thing about the wedding and that is what made you remember. She still is horrible she just thinks she cant take you anymore because you are an adult now and have power of her own. Prove her right and make her face how horrible she was and still is. Let that anger be, you have every right to be furious, in my country she would have gone to jail for child abuse for at least half of the things you describe. I hope you can heal from this and can do whatever you need to do so.

I have a 4 year gap of repressed memories myself and are also not looking forward to those ever unlocking.

Oranjewolf 1 12h15m

It's so scary how trauma can blur out memories. I hope you will find peace, really. I wish that to anyone who had to go through such trauma. Therapy might take a long time but remember that the road to recovery is not a straight line, it's a series of hills and valleys.

Loveyouguysbut 1 12h15m

You need to structure your day as if you were an orphan. MAKE IT AS WONDERFUL FOR YOURSELF AND TOUR GROOM AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

Please don’t allow them to derail your special day with their shitty drama and fucked up priorities.

Send them an invite, and leave it at that. You owe them nothing.

You are strong in spite of them. The part that rocked me was when you said you wanted to reach for a drink, but didn’t. That is evidence of your strength. Further evidence is the fact that somehow your mind blanked out your stepmother’s cruelty and your father’s weakness so that you could survive. It is hard to believe- but you really don’t need them, nor do they deserve to be there.

As others have said, long-term therapy will help you in the long term, but in the short term they need to be sidelined in your mind so you can concentrate on enjoying your moment.

They are thinking of themselves and what is important to them - it is time you did the same.

Crafty_Birdie 1 12h24m

Don’t worry about your relationship with them. Worry about you, right now you need time to process and look at what’s come up. You forgot all this stuff because it was too much for you to cope with at the time - forgetting is an excellent coping mechanism, but now it’s been triggered the first thing you need is support. I hope your future husband can be there for you, and I really recommend a therapist.

Journaling is also useful - you don’t need to do anything other than just write it down, however it comes out, and not worrying if it makes sense. It will start to make sense of its own accord eventually.

But it’s no replacement for therapy - you are clearly a very strong resourceful young woman bu at the same time you were abused and that is deeply wounding and has lasting effect. If you can find a good therapist they will help in all sorts of ways. It’s not only about ‘desensitising’ it’s also about providing validation and the parenting you missed out on. Abuse doesn’t happen in a vacuum, so your father at the very least enabled your stepmothers behaviour if only by omission. Similarly your mother sounds like she was unstable and your home life was very chaotic, so you missed out on an enormous amount - good therapy will help with this.

And it will be a place to work out how you want to move forward, when you are ready. Plus it will help you stay sober - I’ve dealt with similar stuff and there are going to be times when staying sober will be harder, so be kind to yourself and get all the support you can.

One good thing that has happened though is that your stepmother recognises and owns her behaviour - it’s rare indeed to get an apology from an abuser. I don’t say this to mean you should forgive her, I’m just mentioning it because having someone own it and apologise will help the healing further down the line.

Expect your feelings towards all of your family to go through a lot of ups and downs over the next few months - somedays you might want to kill the lot of them, other days you’ll think it must all be made up. But you’ll get through it.

UnluckyWriting 1 12h26m

There’s plenty of other great advice in this thread but I just wanted to say I’m proud of you for not drinking. Staying sober through trauma and tough times is so hard but when you get to the other side you’ll feel like you are a warrior goddess who can walk through fire without being burned

csjordan1052 1 12h27m

Similar background. My best advice is distance. I only see mine on major holidays in a group setting and leave early. Forgive for your own sanity and move on but never let them close. They lost that long ago.

saurabh1984bhattarai 1 12h29m

people never change. She will mever be happy in ur success.

aghzombies 1 12h32m

If you were someone else looking into this situation, what would you advise? Would it seem worth it to hash this out? Would you think they should cut off their father and stepmother?

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's disorienting and awful to have repressed memories surge back like this. But I hope you're proud of Kid You, who did what they needed to do to get through an awful situation, and dealt with it the best way they knew how.

xuxebiko 1 12h35m

​My sister asked what I want to come of all of this.

To recover and heal.

Sergeant_J_Doakes 1 12h36m

I recently dropped my dad from my life and changed my surname so it's not his. Feeling a lot better about myself. Know that if you do decide to go NC with them, there's nothing wrong with you for doing so.

creemfreesh 1 12h39m

You’re getting some good advice here but let me add my two cents for anyone who makes it down here. The thing I’m hearing the most is that you don’t frequently get to put yourself and your own emotional needs first. You said that you’ve had to be conciliatory constantly, growing up and even now, to survive. Getting married is awesome (congratulations!) and now, you’re going to form your own family unit. And now, you HAVE to put yourself first in order to make your new family work.

So, I think you need to give yourself permission to be really angry right now. Really sad, really honest. You don’t need to rush through the process of figuring out how you want to deal with these folks, you don’t have to deal with them at all while you’re processing. You come first. If they ask you what’s up, let them know you need time to process your life events or whatever you want to say. But you have always accommodated these people and you don’t have to anymore. Listen to yourself, take your time, don’t let their feelings or comfort take priority over yours. You are first, and you and your husband have the right to make space, talk through this, change your mind about feelings, whatever. Best of luck to you.

BallstonDoc 1 12h40m

THe whisper-yell is terrifying. She knows she's wrong. She will not admit it. The best revenge is a life well lived. Have it out with her or not. But move on with your life in healthy ways. Put one foot in front of the other and walk in the light.

Krikkits 1 12h41m

Just ditch them lol. They were shit, abusive parents. Families arent bound by blood, make your own and make yours better. Cutting out shitty people in your life is never a bad choice. Stay strong!

blooming_angel 1 12h46m

I think the reason you started remembering all the things you have forgotten is because you're in the same emotional state you were back then. I'll list a few examples. If you're drunk and hide money somewhere in your house, the next day, when you're sober, you wouldn't be able to remember where yoy hid them. But if you get drunk again, you're in the same state you were when you hid them and you'll be able to find them. Or for example, you mean to go into the kitchen but as soon as you pass the hallway you forget why you're going there. So you go back into the hallway, the same location where you had your intention and remember where you were going. It's the same thing here. She is making you feel the exact same way she did back then and you are suddenly aware of all her words. She is putting you in the same emotional state as when you were little. My advice is to go to a therapist, it could be really helpful and they'll give you professional advice and help. Just know that you are not the same 7 year old girl you were back then. You are a grown woman who is not helpless and does not need their validation. They can't get to you the same way they could back then. You are stronger and more confident now, ready for a new, happy chapter in your life. I wish you all the best!

laurenzo1987 1 12h54m

I would start a new family with your fiance and create new family memories <3

Hi_Im_Squidy 1 12h57m

If my father ever mistreated me my mother would kill him, and vice versa

Iunno. I guess it seems unreal to me that a man doesn’t notice his daughter being traumatically abused in his own home. How do you sit there and watch it happen for years? I know people like to pawn off advice like they know what to say to fix what’s happening to you on these subs but I read this and all I feel is “what the fuck can someone even do here?”

I hope you find a resolution.

woah-ehpak 1 12h57m

You can pick pick you friends. Not your family

Junoblanche 1 13h3m

Tell them. Write it all down, everything you feel, remember, need. Then either mail it, or if you want to, insist on seeing them and say it to their faces. You have to insist on being heard, and to do that you need to believe you deserve to be heard. You need to believe that what was done to you was wrong, and its ok to be angry. You did not deserve it, you deserved so much better from them.

I hope you seek out some therapeutic resources in your community. You will likely need help to heal, anyone would.

attemptednotknown 1 13h6m

The mind is a crazy thing. Yours kept you safe from this pain until it knew you had the tools and support system in place to deal with it all. It sounds like to me that you already have the tools to deal with and process this all. You know it will take time but you will come out healed in the end.

As for the people who hurt you, they don’t get to choose when you hold them to account. There is no statute on emotional abuse. I went through a similar process where I have had to say to a family member, “I’m sorry. I can forgive you but I don’t have any more time or energy to put into this relationship. I have to be a father and a husband first.” Now I’m focusing on the family I always wanted to have and putting to rest the family I didn’t.

Be strong and thanks for sharing. You have a beautiful future ahead of you and you deserve every bit of it.

Miaksye 1 13h11m

I’m on the verge of crying reading your post. I’ve been where you are now, when at a sudden and unexpected moment in my life I’ve been able to put all the pieces together and realize what I was experiencing was abuse.

I acted on that anger back in the day. I poured all my rage out, I wanted revenge, I wanted a confession. Wanting justice and a confession is ok, it wasn’t a good idea acting on it because: 1. They weren’t able to give me the closure and validation I so desperately needed 2. I needed time to process everything in a healthy way 3. It was a horrible mess for everybody

While I advocate that you don’t start a war, I respect that you need to explore your new feelings and make some decisions.

I read that you are already considering therapy: that’s the best. Please reassure yourself that you don’t need to take any decision NOW, and that it will take time.

I hope you will find a place of clarity and validation in yourself through therapy, and that you will focus your energies on your new family. I promise that you will be fine. You are strong, you are deserving of love and nurture, from yourself and your fiancée.

30caliberclipazine 1 13h22m

Honestly they need to fix themselves before they’re allowed to be a part of your life. Cut them off indefinitely and work on your own issues. you can’t heal when they keep adding more and more shit.

nicebane 1 13h23m

The only real way forwards through this is forgiveness and reconciliation. I don’t say this lightly. I have walked this road too.

GoodMomsRFun 1 13h28m

Confront her but do it with civility. Have a mod we ator present. Just get it all out. Get closure. She wants forgivenness. You want to ecpress your pain. Get your healing.

SlinkySlekker 1 13h30m

Why did they move to your area? You mention they are trying to improve your relationship - how? I know it’s an odd question, but what do they want from you? They don’t seem interested in supporting your happiness...

Virvelvind 1 13h53m

Hey! I'm so sorry this happened to you. My mother was raised in a similar way and I know of nothing that destroys a person more than being treated like that as a child.

I would recommend /r/raisedbynarcissists to validate your feelings and know that other people have been through the same horrible thing. I recognize everything that your stepmom has done.

In my personal opinion they do not deserve having a relationship with you. If she is indeed a narcissist she is only being nice now to protect herself from what she know she did. Your father has let you down. You are so incredibly strong that you managed to get a good life all on your own. Surround yourself with people that love you. Like your loved one! I do not think your parents love you.

Best of luck. ❤️

ChocolateTuxedo 1 13h58m

So your dad knew she was horrible but dod nothing? So he is also to blame. I wander if there are any true bonds in that household. Maybe your man is where the true bond is at.

Jezon 1 13h58m

I too also have big memory gaps in my childhood probably because of trauma. I'm always amazed when people recall in such detail events in their childhood, when I'm lucky if I can paint in very broad brush Strokes what my life was like then.

Nixflixx 1 14h2m

It's you again. God you love pretending to be people with incredible lives.

boobiesrkoozies 1 14h2m

My dad is/was super abusive and my sister has repressed and false memories. It truly is the most bizarre thing. I used to think i was okay, but when i got older and realized that a lot things from my childhood weren't okay or normal, a lot of stuff flooded back. The only way to really deal with it is therapy.

As for what to do with your emotions when you get these moments back? I honestly dont know. The anger though? Dont hold on to it. You will want to, because letting it go will feel like giving in or letting them win. But i promise you, it isn't. Be angry for a little while, thats your right. But then let it go, or else it will consume you.

All the hurt? Deal with it as you can, baby steps. Process it all, allow yourself to feel all of it, and then heal at your own pace. Dont let anyone tell you how or when. And don't let anyone make you feel bad or wrong for healing the wounds they inflicted. Your well being is not worth their conscience.

That sense of justice you want? Accept that you'll never get it. Thats how abusers work. They consume everyone around them so they are never the "bad guy" and anyone who goes against their facade becomes the focus of their hate. It will tear your family apart. It will consume you if you let it. Accept the apology that you know you'll never get, from her and from your dad. It doesnt matter if you know they arent sorry. Waiting for it will destroy you.

I know it sucks. Trust me, i know. Parents are supposed to be the one force in this world we can rely on, but sometimes they aren't. Your dad was supposed to protect you, love you above everything else and he didn't. He chose to turn a blind eye and subject you to this. Yearning for the parents you wish you had will do you no good. Sometimes people just suck and sometimes choosing yourself over those who hurt you hurts like a bitch. But it gets better.

SlowSpaceJellyFish 1 14h22m

Most of my childhood is blank. I only know things from being told it. I suffered bad abuse and neglect, and as a result, I don't remember it.

I think the best advice I have, is to remember that those bad memories have always been in your head, although subconcious. That means that you have been able to function with those memories, now it's just a little different.

Don't make a rash decition. Sit down, talk it through with your fiancé, talk to your sisters if you're comfortable. Don't keep it all inside.

In my case, my mother is the most difficult parent I have. She's bipolar and a drug addict. (She's clean now, for the first time since before I was born). After years of no contact, I have decided to keep her at an arms length. I meet her for one hour, twice a year. That's it. I don't need to feel bad for not having contact with my mom, I have all the contact neccesary, all things concidered.

You are the boss here. You decide what you want to do with the information you have now, and you decide what you want to do with your relationship with your dad and step mom. You don't owe them anything, everything you do, should be because you WANT to.

Good luck, OP, I truly hope it all works out for you

DonDimpen 1 14h25m

I just want to tell you that if the family is broken after you say what you need to say to them, remember that is not your fault. They made the choice to bully a child/let a child be bullied. It was their choice and the only reason why it feels like something else is that the consequenses for their actions came so much later, but the reason for the late consequenses is that the victim was a child and it is almost impossible for children to defend themselves against adults, not least their own parents/stepparents. So any 'negative' outcome of this is not on you, it has always been on them. For me the break with the abusive people in my life gave me time to trully see how wrong it all was and finally make the decision to go totally no contact, the best decision for me. Good luck and all the best to you!

Shadox19 1 14h29m


SketchyPornDude 1 14h30m

I'm going to echo what was said in previous comments. Parents are overrated. They have this weird power over out emotions, even when we're adults. For the most part they try to do good things for us and try to be good people to us, but once you've grown up, have a job, and live on your own, you don't have to keep them. It's ideal to have them around because family is amazing, but only if you enjoy having them around. If it's too difficult to have them around then you're allowed to cut them out of your life. In your situation, your Stepmom is clearly responsible for significant emotional and psychological trauma that you're going to carry for the rest of your life, you can dump them in this case, you don't need her or your father (since he's clearly on her side).

CJ_MR 1 14h32m

Know you aren't alone. My childhood had a lot of similarities. I experienced a lot of neglect and every kind of abuse. Whatever you choose to do with your relationships with them is okay. You have to take care of yourself and your own wellbeing. In my own childhood it was my mother who was the biggest bully. She didn't stop gaslighting me even into my 30s. I realized one day that continuing the relationship made me feel like shit. It took so much energy just to fake that I was okay with her. I couldn't do it anymore. I cut her out of my life. There wasn't a big blow up or event. I had the realization that life without her would be much happier and relaxed, and it is. Good luck going on this journey. When I recalled all my childhood shit it took at least a decade (without a therapist) to unpack my feelings, process it all, and come out okay on the other end. Get the support you need and choose yourself and your wellbeing above all.

Fluffryr 1 14h33m

Your fear of wrecking the family seems unwarranted. It wasn't you, they wrecked it years past with their treatment of you. I've never been in a situation like this but I hope that if I ever am, I do confront and hold the people responsible. Family is what you make it. I was fortunate to be born into a great one. You have the opportunity to make one.

I wish you all the best.

zilgotler 1 14h34m

I love that Reddit allows us to share our stories and maybe help/ be helped by other people! I’m glad I read your story and I’ll try to help!

First and MOST important of all: THERAPY! Find a therapist that suits you and go get professional help! I don’t think your relationship with your dad is over, BUT it will be a process to love and trust him again. Going to therapy to understand your feelings is great!

Second: forgiveness is not only for the person you forgive. In my opinion, the person who takes the step to forgive is the one that gains the most by it. When you can truly forgive you will let this burden go and you will feel much better! Don’t get me wrong, you NEVER have to forgive right away, but forgiveness give you a peace of spirit that not a lot of things can.

Third: take a boxing or another wrestling class! This is something that my own therapist has taught me! It is a great way to relief some of the build up stress and it’s a lot a fun to punch things. Don’t go into a ring to have a competition though, it’s therapy boxing, you don’t need to win championships with it.

You are a very strong person and it takes a very powerful state of mind to survive what you have been trough. Never forget that! Your dad has shown some interest on making things right and it is important to remember that if you want to fight for this relationship! Stepmom sounds like a pain in the butt, but she’s not as strong as you! She seems like someone who has a lot of fear inside of her, and you have already overcome your fears and transformed them into strength!

All this being said, forgiving and being stupid are very different things, if you forgive them and they keep on acting this way you can most definitely bail. The way they treat you reflects the way they are, not the way you are!

Hope you can overcome this terrible situation!

Freethinker123 1 14h53m

OP if you were to walk with her up the stairs to go and see your (e.g) coin collection and she would fall over your foot on the way down again... Would that make you feel better?

Microchip_ 1 14h56m

Fight that bitch!

rlnw 1 14h57m

OP, this is heartbreaking. I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that abuse. It sounds like you’re an amazing person. I’m proud of you for being able to have such a loving relationship with your future spouse.

Counseling will help you sort through all of these emotions and memories. I strongly urge you to find a counselor and go for a few seasons. It will help you figure out your true emotions. You can also start to process how you want to address the issues that come forward.

The mind is an incredible thing. It blocked those memories to protect you. The memories are surfacing. Counseling will be extremely valuable for you.

Congratulations on your engagement. Know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Sending love and support -

gameof_groans 1 15h23m

Sorry you went through this. I myself am not very trusting of people, and a common thing I see with people with older kids, is that sooner or later the parents realize they need someone to take care of them when they're older so they start being all nice nice. Based on what you remember and your stepmoms reaction to your engagement, she sounds like a mega cunt. You need to be happy for you, whatever that entails.

TripleTraple 1 15h23m

If you got any musical talent you could probably make a mint of the story of your life in case you want to turn this into something positive

zensquirrel 1 15h30m

I have gone through a similar thing, in my late 30s I suddenly started to realize how terrible one of my parents was and how enabling the other was when I was growing up. Flood of memories that had been repressed. The terrible parent now *tries* to be better but that's just barely passing because we live far apart. When we see each other for more than a couple days, old behaviors resurface and I'm in hurt and sadness again.

The way you feel matters and is legitimate and it won't help you to repress the truth. Your Dad and Stepmom haven't changed - she showed her cruelty just in this story when she immediately criticized and found excuses to not go to a wedding you don't even have a date for yet, KNOWING this means your own father wouldn't go either!

You deserve to find happiness and peace, and that may mean distancing yourself from these people and finding family of a different kind. It's not fair that we don't all get the parents we wish we had, but you aren't required to let them mess with your joy for the rest of your life.

Richundo 1 15h35m

Therapy, therapy, therapy. Find someone you like and trust and talk it out with a professional.

AliAltinel 1 15h37m

See a therapist .

slickmitch 1 15h42m

You are 36. The need for parents or their approval has long passed.

justfearless 1 15h43m

As a stepmom, this absolutely breaks my heart. I am so sorry for the way you were treated.

Desarae87 1 15h53m

You were abused. Fuck them. Call them out. If it’s fake then why does it matter? They both deserve to be called out for what they’ve done. Your stepmom is a nasty jealous person. I wanna say bitch honestly... Who does that to a child? An abusive monster that’s who. Call them out. Fuck those people for what they’ve done to you.

sunnyinchernobyl 1 15h56m

I suggest you reframe this relationship a bit. This woman is your dad’s wife. That doesn’t make her anything to you, certainly not a “stepmom”.

I’m familiar with this kind of person and they are terrible. There’s no redeeming them because they live with such hatred and poison in their lives.

Also, the Benadryl and allergies raised red flags for me right away. Who administered all that Benadryl?

Jeditaedae 1 16h5m

So the first thing is like everyone else said, therapy.

The second and is going to be my main point. You arent your parents. You arent you dad or mom or stepmom/stepdad. You are you. You make your life what you want it to be. As cliche as this sounds and disney this sounds, you decide your fate. You make your choices.

Just because they are your birth parents doesn't make them your parents. They raised you (albeit terrible) but you dont owe then shit. Get engaged, get married to the guy, have kids of your own, raise them lovingly, grow old, and be happy. Give 0 fucks about anything else.

In4mation1789 1 16h5m

Know this -- whatever you do, you are not going to wreck the family. You obviously think that because your stepmother told you would as she was busy being the one destroying you and wrecking the family.

Ask yourself if a relationship with a person like your stepmother is worth it. Would you recommend it to anyone else?

I wouldn't.

And I would never trust her or your father for that matter around anyone vulnerable.

Perhaps posting in r/raisedbynarcissists would help. Posting and reading other posts and responses. And definitely discussing all this with a therapist you trust who specializes in child abuse.

Btw, I think the reason you got these memories now is because you know you have a new, safe home to go to with your husband. So you can have these memories and still survive and hopefully learn and grow from them. Perhaps they are telling you that you can safely remove these abusive people people from your life, that you should, because you are building a new family.

Oh, and this thing?


I fist-bumped the air and yelled, "Yes! You go, girl!"

GothicPicnic 1 16h25m

I think I just have my empathy than advice. I've been through the repressed childhood trauma memory floodgates moment. It's truly surreal. I'd seen it in Hollywood movies all my life and thought it was an exaggeration, until it happened to me. It really is exactly as portrayed. You feel kinda fucked up inside your whole life but you can't really figure out why. You have strong reactions to certain things and people, but again, no real explanation. Until... boom. Just one single evening of doors in your brain busting open. And then it all makes sense.

I would say that as difficult as this is in the moment, your brain has given you a gift. It's given you the missing pieces that can now help you make sense of your inner life. Connect the dots. Feel whole.

Even though the stuff I got back was mostly painful and negative... it did complete me. And it allowed me to say, "That's the past," and help put a lot of things to rest and focus on the future me.

Focus on yourself and your future, now. And on inside, rather than external, healing. You will never get what you need from them; you will never get those magical moments of confession and acknowledgement. Never. They are too flawed and human. It's a fact that's easier to accept with a heaping dose of compassion. And then just letting go. Letting go of the hope will abolish the feeling that something is missing. Coming to terms with your feelings and memories—THAT will give you peace. Corny as it sounds, it truly can only come from within.

Good luck... truly.

HeartFullOfHappy 1 16h27m

Give me both of their numbers. I have some things that I would like to say to them mainly just name calling and shaming, but their trash human beings.

wtftastic 1 16h31m

Please see a therapist specializing in trauma. If you don’t want to or can’t do that, I highly recommend the book The Body Keeps the Score, which can at least help you contextualize what you are and have been going through. Your decision to include or exclude your step mother is your own, but consider how triggering it may be.

EnderOfMidnight 1 16h39m

Someone may have already mentioned this, but you REALLY REALLY should post this in r/raisedbynarcissists or r/NarcissisticAbuse or anything relating to that, cuz this is EXACTLY what your stepmom sounds like.

just_a_reddit_hater 1 16h43m

This is great fiction. Are you an aspiring author?

loluwrong 1 16h50m


It would only be good for them, not you. If i were to put myself in your shoes, having a fake relationship would destroy me on the inside over time, especially with a parent. Not worth the energy, emotion, and pain to put up a fake front for people who abused you. And for what gain?

Ya-boi-Joey-T 1 16h52m

Have you ever heard the word "unforgivable"?

DrDrakeRamorayEel 1 16h52m

I thought I had a "normal" albeit quirky childhood until someone pointed out that some of those things were at best chaotic and at worst abusive. It huuuurts. My dad in this case was the one I feel like could have talked to about it and he's not here anymore.

My mom was the abuser and talking to her did nothing. I just ended up cutting her out because she would be "good" for a while then just back to old ways. You'll have to figure out how much of your parents you can handle because you can't change them.

My heart goes out to you. Take care.

v3r1 1 16h54m

They will never be good people tbh. Takes a special kind of evil to do that to a child. I'd say the best for your mental well-being is to tell them how you fell turn your back around and leave. Don't come back. People like that poison our lives. And don't think the abuse is over, from the reaction to your engagement, they are pieces of shit for life.

charmingcomplexities 1 16h56m

A lot of people recommended EMDR. I'm not against this advice, but I just wanted to make you aware of the other types of therapies out there.

The three types of therapeutic modalities I am aware of for treating symptoms of PTSD are EMDR, PE, and CPT. That being said, this does not mean people don't find other forms of therapy effective. It's all very individual. At the end of the day, you may need to try more than one form of therapy before reaping in benefits. Also be aware that I'm not saying you have PTSD, but you definitely seem to be experiencing the aftereffects of trauma. You would need to consult with a mental health professional to get diagnosed.

Many posts have described EMDR so I'm not going to bother.

Prolonged Exposure (PE) focuses on desensitizing you to memories, so that when you think about them, you aren't as triggered.

Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT) works on helping you understand and reshape the meaning you have derived from these difficult past experiences.

It might be best to see if you can locate a clinic that specializes in Trauma-informed care and get a consultation before jumping into finding any specific therapist doing any specific modality.

Hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you have any follow up questions.

recblue 1 16h57m

A lot of things have been said.

I'll add these: you feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself?? DON'T. You 100% deserve to be compassionate and kind to yourself and very much deserve to focus on your own well-being. If self-compassion is what you need (and I'll basically tell you... It IS what you need) then let all the self-compassion flood in.

Also: if you can, look into somatic therapy/somatic experiencing. It is powerful and gets "deeper" faster, with less focus on the talking. With your situation, repressed memories etc, it may get to what you need more organically, for lack of a better word.

Finally: you deserve the best. You do. Really. You deserve and deserved care and love. You deserve care and attention. All these memories may make you feel so destabilized and unsure and chaotic. Find a pathway of care and kindness, even from inside yourself... Start to carve it. Use the love from anyone you can to build it, (your mom, your fiancé, your old neighbours... Even imaginary love from imaginary people) just so you have that path inside to gravitate back to as you figure things out.

I wish you the deepest and the best. Don't judge yourself! Be KIND and understanding to yourself. That's the only way. You've been through a lot. Now is not the time to keep up the internal attacks (which are normal, btw, but not good for you). Focus on really supporting yourself from the inside.

All the bed to you!

Ya-boi-Joey-T 1 16h59m

Can I turn this into a short story?

Knightof13 1 17h0m

You are free to want your dad in your life and not his wife: remember that

Intergalactic_Toast 1 17h0m

I had a step dad who was a bully and one thing that really helped me was that it was weakness and insecurity all along. I remember the pinnacle event which lead to this realisation. I was about 15 and he was in my face screaming and threatening me and I was in a corner. I couldn't get away and I felt trapped.

The more he yelled the more that fear turned into anger and right when he was within an inch of my face I yelled "fuck off!" And headbutted him in the nose. Blood started cascading down his face and he stumbled back shocked and confused. His shock and confusion quickly turned to anger and he beat the everliving shit out of me but that didn't matter.

I remember sitting in hospital waiting for the police photographer (It was a serious beating and he nearly got sent to jail as I was a minor.) And all I could think was "If he can bleed he can die" As fucked up as I'm sure that sounds to everyone not under the thumb of someone who is oppressive, it wasn't malicious.

It was the realisation that if I can make him bleed, I can kill him any time I wanted to. It didn't matter how big or angry or strong he was. There were ways to make him bleed so there were ways to kill him. All the power that I thought he had over me was gone. He was a big walking pike of soft targets. I wasn't affraid of him any more.

When I got back from hospital he tried to threaten me to drop the charges but I was already planning to drop them. He tried getting in my face again and I just gave him this look that made him back off. I told him

"You can beat me within an inch of my life again if you want to, but if I survive know when I come back, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to cut your throat while you're asleep and bleed you out and there is nothing you or your strength can do to stop me.

You might think you're big and strong but everybody needs to sleep. I don't want you in jail. I want you to know you're vulnerable. You're weak. You're exactly like me and I'm just as strong as you. Kill me right here and now if you want to. All that's going to happen is you're going to be put in a cage with bigger, stronger, scarier men and they'll do far worse to you than kill you. They'll make you wish you'd let me cut your throat.

So go ahead, make your threats and bang your chest like the big dumb ape you are but know if you ever touch me or another of my family again I'm going to cut you up into little pieces and send you in a box to your parents so they know the hatred and malice I have for your bloodline"

For the record, I probably wouldn't have cut him up into little pieces and sent him to his parents, but I was an abused 15 year old who had a week to think about what to say in hospital and a heavy flare for dramatics.

I wanted something that would disarm him completely. I wanted him to know not only was I willing to kill him, but I had really thought about it. He had made me suicidal. I had nothing to live for and I would make his life so unfathomably worse if he crossed me, that it just wasn't worth it. You'd be surprised how many situations with aggressive assholes can be fully avoided by reminding them they could die at any moment.

Most people don't have the emotional damage necessary to consider killing someone. I hate that he managed to break me that much but it's also so very empowering. I went through a lot of therapy and no longer threaten to randomly kill people who are being cunts to me but it's nice to have that ammunition when I meet a special cunt who thinks they're invincible.

It doesn't matter how strong you think you are, if you piss off a person with nothing left to loose, threats are meaningless. If you have something to loose, you won't win an intimidation contest

JurassicPeriodx 1 17h17m

Drop the rope.

SlothMaster223 1 17h24m

Hey OP I’m super late here, you may never see this but just in case...

I’m where you are now, except a couple years out. I experienced childhood trauma, and then similar trauma as a young adult, and struggled to maintain healthy relationships with people after (still do, but I’m working on it).

Couple years ago I started getting repressed memories floating back to my consciousness - and they were always about my parents. Injustices, how they had always treated me differently than my sibling, how even when I met their metrics to be allowed to do X thing or go to Y place, they would always find a reason I could not.

Anyway ... yeah. I felt like my world had ended because I was always so very close to my parents and now I was remembering things that contradicted how wonderful I always imagined them to be. It’s been a tough two years and I still don’t speak to them often. We had a bit of a regression earlier this year when I made a career change and they got mad because “your old profession sounded better when our friends ask what you’re doing” and I swear that’s exactly what they said.

Here’s how I’m working past it:

I have to accept I can’t change anything that happened before, and I can’t change them.

Similarly, I HAVE to stop expecting better from them. When I first told them about my career change, I think it would have been less devastating to me had I gone into it with the expectation than they would react negatively. Instead, I felt betrayed that they were treating me as the family show pony instead of being supportive, and here I am months later and just now getting back to a place where I miss speaking to them regularly.

This is a tough one - I have to remind myself that I’m not perfect either. I hurt people, unintentionally or not, and that makes me human. They’re human.

This is the most heart breaking one, but for me helps the most - both of my parents are products of their own environments. My mother had a horrific childhood, and for me to expect her to be A Perfect Mother is setting her up for failure. Instead, I should look at everything she got right and respect her for getting that right despite the childhood and example she had. My father was raised by a textbook example of a Narcissistic Mother, and he was the scape goat child. Again... it is unfair for me to ignore these truths when assigning blame and processing hurt.

So... good luck, OP. But from someone who used to consider myself to be “best friends” with my parents and has spent the last two years processing a myriad of negative emotions towards them - it does get better, if you want it to be better and are willing to work at it. Just be objective and fair and look at every angle, and it will help you reach some epiphanies and understanding.

The hurt won’t go away, but you can find acceptance and move forward.

Cococannnon 1 17h26m

Wow that is some deep stuff I am sorry you went through that. It’s going to be hard but I would cut her from your life and stipulate exactly why, if your father doesn’t back you then that is on him. You are going to need to be very strong in a situation like this, remember you can always make your own family with your fiance

Asha-Bellanar 1 17h42m

First of all, sleep, relax, surround yourself with people you trust and love. And then think - you have a possible war in front of you. Confronting them, demanding answers, apologies, even a simple confirmation of their failures could end bad. Like really bad. In the end its math - is the possible gain worth the possible cost? You are an adult now, you can chose your fights. Fight, forgive, go on as before, walk away, no contact, etc, it your choice. But remember, you can contoll your actions, not theirs. You can not make them give you what you want/need from them. And tbh, to be really honest, I don't believe they will give you want you need of them. You said they try to have a better relationship with you in the last years. But do you really belive they changed? Do they really regret or do they want your forgiveness not for you but for their own?

I don't remember a lot of my childhood /teenage years. I know the overall storyline of my younger years but no details. I actively choose for it to stay that way. My brain forgot for a reason, and I am better off that way. I have never and never will forgive my mother. And to an extent I will never forgive my dad and other relatives. They could have done more, protected me. Do I hate them? No. With most of my relatives (esp my mother) I am low contact. With some, while low contact, I have an actually really good relationship. I moved on. I cannot change the past, but I can control my now and influence my future. I do what I need to be happy and save. A fight with my relives would make me neither. I would get nothing out of the fight that makes me happy and save. An apology doesn't make my past or future better. I keep the status quo, I surround myself with love and save people. I live my own live, and a good live at that. What I have I have b/c i worked for it, not b/c of them. I owe them nothing. It's... Freeing...

That doesn't make my problems go away. One day I want to work at my trust issues and other shit I still carry around with me. Esp. My mistrust towards women. For now I acknowledge it, work and just life my life.

That is the right way for ME, not necessarily you.

The worst thing we learn in our lifes is that our parents are no gods. Parents are people and like all people they are capable of all the good and bad humanity has to offer. Blood is NOT thicker as water. Maybe this is part of what hurts you so much now.

What I honestly think you need right now is time to process. Come to terms with your past and what it means for you. Maybe this revelation will help you understand yourself and your reactions to certain things better.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you are save do what's best for you. And remember, your life's not over. Your past is just a bit different than you thought. You will be okay. May be not today or tomorrow, but you will be okay. I wish you the best. Stay strong!

mysterythrowaway123 1 17h46m

After reading this post, I have a genuine question. Do normal people remember most of their childhoods? I only remember how I hurt myself like falling from my bike and when I bullied some kids in elementary and middle school. My mom also apologizes to me a lot saying that she was a bad mother but didn’t really go into detail and I told her it’s fine bc I don’t remember her doing anything significantly bad to me. But again, I don’t remember much from when I was a kid. Having your childhood memories as a blur is normal, isn’t it? I didn’t have a traumatic life like OP, right?

wiseasslittlemonkey 1 17h46m

Your step-moms apology wasn’t really an apology, it was a way for her to release her own guilt.

Both of your parents are still exhibiting the same reflexive (and toxic) behavior from your childhood. You mentioned 2 things that strike a chord with me and my personal experience with childhood trauma.

As an adult, you feel you have to alter your behavior around your mom to avoid her passive aggression. Your mom is supposed to be a safe harbor in your life, someone you can trust and be open with, not someone you should walk on egg shells around. She is willing to have a relationship with you as long as you remember your place. That’s bull shit.

Your dad was the one who said something about you having to beat your sister to getting married- he baited your step-mom into her reaction, probably to direct her passive aggression away from himself. Your dad is supposed to protect you, not throw you to the wolf.

They are still doing what they’ve done all your life. It’s just more subtle now because you’ve acquiesced.

I still have a relationship with both my parents, but after years of therapy I’ve learned to call them on their bull shit. I refuse to be bullied, to be made to feel guilty, or not good enough, and when they’re being assholes I tell them they’re being assholes. I also refuse to fight with them, I instead disengage.

I hope you can give yourself some time to process your feelings and memories and I hope you find healing.

Congratulations on your engagement. I hope you have a beautiful wedding filled with love and joy.

_Conway_ 1 17h48m

I know someone has probably already said this but r/raisedbynarrcists (not sure if I spelt it right) but the way you phrased some of these things are classic behaviours.

SisiSierra14 1 17h48m

I have a similar dynamic with my dad and step mom, as I got older I realized I have control over who is in my life and there is no room for people like them in it. It sucks that a father can neglect their child for their wife but it is what it is. Some people don’t deserve the children they have. It’s unfortunate but as an adult you need to take care of yourself and not allow these negative people to have control over you. Personally I would bring it all up cause it feels good to get stuff off your chest, but I wouldn’t have anything to do with them after that. That’s just me tho.

minjanator 1 17h59m

Is your state a community property state? Perhaps she found out she might not be in your Dad's will and is trying to make it up to you to change his mind? Do they have some money? Not sure what her angle would be for trying to be nicer now. Perhaps she's changed... but what a shitty apology for child abuse. Honestly, you do not need her as a parent. If you still want one with you dad then you can work on that.

I wish you the best of days going forward and congratulations on your engagement.

1minimalist 1 18h7m

If you are in recovery, get rid of the relationship. They are the parents, and at this point it's up to them to make up for what they did to you. Drop all expectations of them, but not in a hateful way. Just accept that they were shit, and that they won't understand how their actions impacted you. Move on and away from it. Who cares they want a relationship now? YOU wanted a relationship through your entire childhood, just because they flipped a switch doesn't mean that you have to accommodate them. Just try to forgive them, but don't keep them in your life. You are better than them.

crackkidsatitagain 1 18h24m


It’s easy for the party that caused you so much pain to try and make reparations when you don’t remember what they did. They’re only getting held responsible for their actions and words in a limited and general sense, not for specific cruel moments.

Maybe it’s a pessimistic view, but I’ve found that when you approach someone who’s hurt you armed with specific memories and instances of when and why you were hurt, they seem to get angry that you want them to be accountable for such pointed moments. It’s easy for them to swallow when they just have to make a generalized apology for wrong-doing.

You deserved better as a child, and though they haven’t responded, you deserve better now too.

IMO, the most productive way to hash it out would be family therapy. Then you wouldn’t feel ganged up on and a counsellor can mediate. If your dad and step-mom aren’t willing to do that, I think therapy for yourself would be incredibly helpful too.

Good luck!!

um_i_got_a_question 1 18h25m

it looks like you have all the advice you could ever need, so here is my bit:

I'm sorry you are going through this. it is must be SO HARD. but your brain is bringing all this up because it thinks it is now safe to do so. you are no longer in any threat. it hid those memories in the first place, because it knew you needed that to survive your childhood. now you can revisit it, truly feel it, grow from it, and heal it. there's no way you could've done that while they were repressed.

i have some repressed memories of sexual abuse. i wish they would come out, like they have for you, because i want to work through them and move on finally. unfortunately I can't do that yet. but you CAN. it'll be so hard but you now have people you can trust, so rely on them. good luck!

sweetbabyeh 1 19h4m

Like others have suggested, EMDR is wonderful, if done correctly.

It helped me deal with about 60% of the cumulative trauma in my life. But that last 40% was a real bitch. Enter: Internal Family Systems therapy, or "parts" therapy. If you can find a therapist who uses IFS, I think you would find it greatly helpful, especially combined with EMDR.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

upwithpeople84 1 19h18m

Your stepmother has a personality disorder. Your dad enables her. They severely abused you as a child. Outside of professional therapy and waiting for this bitch to die (spoiler alert, the extreme bitchiness that makes up her essence will power her like a generator until she's like 12000 years old) some other helpful resources are outofthefog[dot]net and subs like r/raisedbynarcissists and r/JUSTNOMIL. I'm so, so sorry for what you went through as a child. You did not deserve it. I hope that you can find a measure of peace and please know that your future family will be so much better and more loving that what you went through.

M2871989 1 19h49m

First of all congratulations on your engagement. Secondly, How about asking how to move forward with your life? How to save your energy to build stronger relationship with your fiancé or other people in your life?

I know a thing or two about fucked up families and a lot more about traumatizing childhood. Trust me you need to think about your wellbeing and people should be a part or no part of your life according to how they impact your life positively.

Free yourself of having to feel certain way towards them. Forgive your younger self for not knowing better. Speak to those memories you’ve been remembering one by one as a person and forgive them for not being perfect or feeling good. Take your time with this process and if you have questions or need a support in this area don’t hesitate to message me.

Lostmeathello 1 20h1m

Oh that is nasty what she did to you. Terrible abusive behaviour. I'm so sorry you lived through that while your dad just passively sat by the way side. Definitely let these hot coals flip around until they cool because otherwise you could punch her in the face which would be wonderful for your inner child but destructive for your adult, present self. There's a lot there you have to work through. Only time will give you the right response. But since there's sooo much there, probably best to cut them out for as much time as needed. Glad you sent a text to inform them Now step away for as much time as you need until you have the right moment and clarity to dis/continue your relationship with that God awful step mother. What a B.

killerbeeszzzz 1 20h42m

OP, firstly, you need therapy. I know because I've been/ I am where you are.

In my case it was my bio mom who did the hateful things, and I will still get flashes here and there and it sends me into a panic attack or bouts of anxiety.

I wanted to cry when I read the part about your younger sister shielding you from their mother. Your sisters are wonderful, never let them go.

Deal with this however you must to reach closure and better mental health - you do not owe your stepmother or father peace of mind. She terrorized a little girl and your father allowed it. They don't deserve consideration over your mental well-being.

Lastly, I am a stepmother and this post made me go hug my boys. Im so sorry your stepmother did that to you. Im so so sorry.

a34jied 1 20h57m

Hey, I don’t know if someone’s already recommended this to you but there’s a subreddit known as r/raisedbynarcissists hopefully I’m spelling it right... it’s a very inclusive community where almost everyone has gone through things similar to yours. It’s a great community and I hope you can spread your story to them as they can also give you some great advice along with this thread as well. Hope you are well.

sali022 1 21h20m

I’m so happy to see everyone recommending EMDR. I’m a therapist and I work with multiple people that seek to process early childhood experiences that impact their lives now. It’s different from other modalities of therapy in that it does not require you to re traumatize yourself. I highly highly suggest seeking an EMDR therapist. I know therapy is costly however the cost of holding on to all of these things and having them subconsciously impact the decisions and the way you live your life is even more costly. Another advantage to EDMR is that it does not require as many sessions as psychotherapy does. Lastly, I just want to say that I’m so sorry you had to go thru all you went thru as a child. Here’s to nothing but joy and love in your life ahead.

Good luck to you!

VitimanD 1 22h0m

I think I might know you.

PurplePoisonPlucker 1 1d0h15m

I dont see how it's in the past because their treatment or you when you told them about your engagement says otherwise. That was not a normal reaction at all and an extremely toxic one. Seperate yourself, you deserve better.

pinkelephants123 1 2d15h19m

RemindMe! 1 week

MoonLantern2 1 2d22h12m

Your dad is a worthless piece of trash. He allowed an awful person to control him and terrorize you. I would put as much distance between them and your future marriage and children. You could patch up things with your father, if he ever left the abomination that he is married to, but an abusive person like her never changes. If you can’t love your husband’s child, you are not capable of love. Keep your family away from her.

babyblue924 1 6d9h5m

This makes me so sad. I’m sorry you experienced that trauma, but I’m happy you had lots of other support even if it wasn’t your dad.

thedrizzle6 0 16h5m


Buno_ -1 16h18m

Repressed memories aren't real. Google "repressed memories debunked." It's pseudoscience of the highest rip-off caliber.


qualitychai -4 7h13m

Wait. Can benadryl actually cause memory loss? Because that would explain alot, I have to take alot as well.

[deleted] -4 10h45m

”Repressed memories” are not a real thing. They were a fad in psychology that persisted through the early nineties that usually involved the creation of false memories and unwarrented accusations of physical and sexual abuse against innocent parents and siblings. Many ”victims” went on to try to sue the psychiatrists treating them.

nnnm_33 -4 15h21m

Blah blah blah get to the point! Stopped reading early

RF111164 -5 10h34m

Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. That's the only way to become who you were meant to be.

IsaacM42 -6 10h34m

You're one year sober, and you're getting married, which means either you are in a new relationship when you shouldn't have been or your SO is from when you were active (has he been to alanon?) Either way you're risking your sobriety here, who do you have to support you?

VC2891Lino -9 4h58m

I know you probably don't want to hear this but sleeping on your stomach is bad for your spine and general health, she might have been doing you an accidental favor making you sleep on your side as a child.

mangophilia 7 8h37m

That’s what you take from her post? That she sleeps on her stomach and it’s potentially damaging her health?