Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Top 10 Worst Movies of 2008

I love film as art, and these are simply a disgrace to the medium. These are the worst of the worst from 2008. It goes without saying that you're better off avoiding these films at all cost. While I've only seen two of these films in its entirety, I'm basing my critique on a) lame premise for the film and b) terrible reviews. So without furthur ado, I give you, the 10 worst films of 2008:

10. The Happening: M. Night Shyamalan created a classic B-movie. "B" stands for "bad acting," "boring plot," "botched directing," and "barfed a little in my mouth." They actually managed to make Zooey Deschanel lifeless and homely and Marky Mark a boring high school teacher.

9. Seven Pounds: Emotionally manipulative and downright creepy, Will Smith gives a lifeless and bizarre performance as a guilt-driven man who stalks people. This film actually makes me angry because it gives a distorted and selfish picture of redemption that leads people astray.

8. Meet Dave: Eddie Murphy is doing his best to prove to the world that he never ever deserved to be nominated for an Oscar.

7. Bangkok Dangerous: Once upon a time, Nicolas Cage was making Raising Arizona and winning Oscars for Leaving Las Vegas. Now he's wearing hair pieces (!) and making terrible films like this one. The title sounds like a cheap cologne, and Cage has never looked less intimidating. Balding mullets and Hawaiian shirts are not signs of a cool assassin. (Did anyone even see this? I don't think I've met anyone who actually watched this film, so if you have, please speak up.)

6. Babylon A.D.: Director Mattieu Kassovitz publicly denounced this film upon its release. When the director hates his own film, you know it's gonna be bad. I watched the first half hour online, and it was an editing nightmare. I honestly had no idea what was going on, other than Vin Diesel was doing his best gangsta impersonation.

5. Witless Protection: This is the latest Larry the Cable Guy movie. Maybe I'm just not the intended audience for his films, as I don't find crude morons very amusing.

4. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale: Arguably the worst film director alive, Uwe Boll has made his mark in film history as they guy who is willing to make anything. Boll manages to find German investors to fund his horrible movies, which are usually based off of semi-popular video games. The guy has spawned anti-Boll websites, including a petition to have him stop creating movies, which has over 318,000 signatures. Sporting a uselessly long title, the film is basically a medieval action flick with Burt Reynolds as a king. Jason Statham, you're better than this.

3. The Hottie & The Nottie: A young man tracks down a childhood crush only to find that her physically unattractive best friend is in the way of him getting some action. It blatantly sends the message that physical beauty is far more valuable than personality, character, or intelligence. Perhaps one of the most shallow and degrading ideas for a film, this Paris Hilton film currently ranks at #17 at the IMDB Bottom 100 Films. Some day we'll all look back on the phenomenon that was Paris Hilton and scratch our heads in confusion.

2. Disaster Movie: The #2 worst movie according to IMDB, and receiving only 2% approval at Rotten Tomatoes, this is basically a plotless collection of unfunny spoof scenes poking fun at pop culture. Writer/directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer only make these kinds of crappy spoof movies; they're as bad as Uwe Boll, only it takes two of them to create something this tasteless. When Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra are your key players in a film, you can bet what the quality of the film will be like. But I've posted this at #2, which means that another movie is even worse than this....

1. Postal: The second Uwe Boll film on the list, this film has the audacity to intersperse offensive jokes about September 11 with crass potty humor. The main character, "Dude," lives in a trailer park and fights the Taliban in an amusement park with his cult-leader uncle. The film is rated R for "extremely crude humor throughout, including strong sexuality, graphic nudity, violence, and for pervasive language and some drug use." The description barely fits in the little MPAA rating box at the beginning of the preview. I can't imagine anything worse than creating a pointless, plotless, humorless movie like this one. I would rather stab my eyes out with forks than endure watching it. God have mercy on Uwe Boll for what he's done.

If you enjoyed one of these films this year, I apologize if you feel personally offended that I included it on this list. I promise that I love you even if I don't like your taste in film.

(Interesting Movie Tidbit: Film critic Peter Chattaway has created a list of 2008 films not screened for critics. Six of the 10 films I've listed appear on this list, as do a number of other sub-part films from this year. Coincidence?)


1 comment:

  1. Good call on Postal. I completely forgot about it, but I have no idea where I would put it on my list. I like my list as is.