You May Be In New York City If…

You May Be In New York City If…

…your bag never weighs less than about fifty-three pounds. It is liable to contain any or all of the following items at any time: a pair of shoes, two full meals, an umbrella, a banana, a five pound bag of flour, a book or maybe two, enough chargers and headphone cords to tie up a prisoner, pepper spray, an actual pepper, keys for all the twenty-three locks in your life, a hat, a sweater, a large box of cookies for Bible study, and a houseplant.

…you never know if you’ll be on time for anything. And given your fear of being late, you generally are either dashing madly last minute, or have an extra 20-40 minutes to kill before every event. Gotta love that public transportation life.

…you’ve broken at least three umbrellas in as many months. Rain is a force to be reckoned with!

…people regularly ask you if you can drive. And you’re like, “I’m a normal American, we all have driver’s licenses except you guys. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to in this madness!”

…you don’t wear shoes in any house ever, and your hands need to be washed as soon as you step outside your own door. You are glad you can’t actually see the squillions of germs on the subway but at the same time, you just know they’re there. You find yourself wondering how many other hands have held onto the same support rail since it was last disinfected. Then you stop thinking about it, because just no.

…you find yourself frequently discussing the price of your rent with any random person. Everyone is in the same boat with the crazy housing market, and everyone loves to commiserate.

…you love the MTA, and you hate the MTA. It means you don’t have to drive or try to find parking in this crazy city, but also, does it have to run express past your stop every other weekend and always have a glitch when you’re traveling home with heavy bags? DOES IT??

…you leave the city to visit some small town USA place and find yourself wondering, “But what do they eat here?” And just by reason of it being unavailable, you begin to crave Szechuan food and the perfect bagel even at the same time as you are relishing the garden strawberries and fresh cream. Can’t you just have your cake and eat it too?

…at the end of the day, you still think this must be the greatest city in the world.


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