The Top Ten, Top Tens.

It's too easy right? Deadline looming, traffic dropping, you need to say something, anything. Well that's alright because you are a gamer. Just pull a top ten out of your arse, it's easy to write and provokes a lot of responses. The key to writing a good top ten is to namecheck some really fucking obscure titles and then spaff some big cheesy blockbusting games in there too. The point is, no one will agree perfectly with you and everyone will argue.

What's that? You are writing a top ten now? Well, here's my Top Ten, top ten writing hints.

1) Don't ever mention Zelda or Metroid. In their heart of hearts every gamer knows them to be truly shitty series but about the only thing Nintendo has going for them in terms of real games. Still, just leave them out now. Surely we are all grown up right?

2) When everyone least suspects it pull out a really shitty retro game to fuck off all the youg'ns. If you can't think of a good retro game (because essentially there are no good games pre Quake 2 on the PlayStation) put Tetris in at number 3.

3) Ignore all PC games except the crappy Molyneux games that no one really played or enjoyed anyway. What's that Peter? In your next game you are going to make NPCs behave believably with a morality system and advanced AI? Fuck off you are. 2 seconds into the game I can guarantee I'm going to see an NPC or enemy spaz out or glitch through a wall. Stop lying. No one believes you.

4) Cram in as many "Great but underrated" games as possible. It makes you sound really clever if you mention ICO every 2 sentences and how it was underrated and didn't sell well. It didn't sell very well because it was for big girly gaylords who get emotional and shit over foggy graphics and little boys who sound exactly like the special kid at your school used to sound when he got his head stuck in the railings again.
And remember people when games get over rated the developer ends up cranking out shitty sequels under duress, destroying the "Indie appeal" of the original and they just don't live up to the hype- Katamari stand up twice please.

5) Put at least one of the Final Fantasies, other than VII above VII in the list. FAGSPreferably one of the crappy SNES ones, this really pisses people off. Unless of course it is the top ten of 'worst storylines in a game ever but overrated by a generation of gamers who mistake long, shitty, nonsense storylines for "good" storylines'. Cunts.

6) If you are American, inexplicably put Madden at the top of your list. If you are English do the same with Championship Manager.

7) If you are talking about a game series always include the one before the most recent one released. That way you can't be criticised for selling out and admitting the awful truth that by and large sequels are better than their predecessors. So for example, talk about Timesplitters 2, Final Fantasy X-2, Tony Hawks Whatever-that-one-is-called and Tiger Woods 2007 that way new gamers who just bought the latest version feel a bit cheated and out of the loop.

8) Lightly sprinkle your lists with only-in-Japan releases. No one will know if you are talking out of your arsehole and it makes you sound really impressive. Secretly, we know that 96% of games that don't make it from Japan are either shit or paedo porn. With only two exceptions; the one where you play as a giant woman stomping around a city in lingerie and the one where you have to force yourself onto all the "just turned 16 years old" school girls to solve a murder mystery.

9) Somehow, manage to put Killer7 on your list. Even though it was tragic, boring, kak handed, obscure, dull, shitty, shitty, pointless, foggy, stupid, crappy waste of money, space, countless preview pages and time. Put it in anywhere between 9 and 5 and you'll be reet.

10) Put WoW on the list, unfairly much higher than Everquest even though both are worse than EVE Online which you should never have on your list in the first place. Then put Pokemon two places above that but pretend you've never played it and that it is only in the list because of it's record sales.

And there we go you've got a top ten. Using the same formula you can easily expand the list to a top 100. Now, don't say ol' Cunzy don't give you nothing for free and as per usual get your old lady to call you Cunzy next time she's putting garlic sauce on her kebab, K? x x


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