J – R-Rated Reviews

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After a chemistry teacher is compelled to stuff his face with a demon’s heart that possesses him from the inside out, he transforms into a Jabba the Hutt puppet and turns his classroom into Cro-Magnon lookin’ hench beasts only a rageaholic plumber can stop. With above average monster effects, chuckle worthy humor, a likable hero, and Robert Englund playin’ his version of Brundlefly, this should be an instant cult classic, but all the monster mayhem it promises doesn’t even start ’til the last half hour and feels like it ends as soon as it starts. Despite that and the lack of cohesion among all the monsters featured in this flick, it’s still a fun watch full of memorable moments. Demonic heart chompin’, 2 dead canines, hand eatin’, shotguns to the chest, old storytellin’ hardware coots, ravenous eatin’, pukin’, monster tentacles, orally delivered monster fluids, cyclops, jungle tribes, campsite massacres, throat punchin’, head bashin’, monstrous transformations, axes to the back, students flung ‘cross rooms, head chompin’, and explosions! 4/5! 

z01JACK FROST (1996)

Serial killer Jack Frost is transformed into living snow after being showered in genetic chemicals and seeks revenge on the small town sheriff who caught him. A fun comic book villain kinda Christmas flick, there’s plenty of imaginative moments supported by decent acting, and one big “what the fuck” scene when Shannon Elizabeth is raped by Jack in the shower with his carrot nose! Wrecks, mutations, FBI, hit and runs, snowman road rages, rub-a-dub death rapes, executions by evaporation, blowdryer defenses, antifreeze flavored oatmeal, projectile icicles, decapitations, total meltdowns, deep throatin’ axes, face smashing, human ornaments, strangulations, giant snowballs, face munchin’, and snowman vomit! 4/5!

JACKALS (2017)

A concerned family kidnaps their troubled son from a cult of animal cosplayin’ psychos for an intervention, but the army of howlin’ whackos track them to their remote cabin in the woods and terrorize them ’til they give up the demented pup. A fairly simple story about a near hopeless stand-off over a loony who’s gotta pick a family to fight for, this flick delivers on the action, actin’, and crisp cinematography but could give us a more focused point of view with some real character development, a little more insight into the cult, and a more satisfyin’ endin’. Throat slittin’, stabbin’, impalements, guttin’, toasty hands, well meanin’ kidnappin’s, head bashin’, home invasions, cult rallies, and home-made weapons with duct tape, kitchen knives, and fireplace tools! 3/5!


One of the lamest killer snake movies ever captured on celluloid, this movie’s about the devil returnin’ to Earth as a looong snake orderin’ regular snakes to bite people for whatever reason while he confronts an older priest whose bloodline is cursed for these kind of things. Odd characters, a half-ass story and uncreative camera work, this film doesn’t come across so much as a horror but more like an unintended comedy. Biggest disappointment is the devil not bein’ crazy monster size like the snakes in the Anaconda movies! Venomous snake bites, Jaws mayors, dog race tracks, snakes on trains, snake heads blown off, grateful slaps to the face, creepy crushes, cemetery chases, da-da da-da da-da da-da snake cave, toasty snakes, snakes in the shower, snakes in the bed, boobs in the shower, psychics, and Christina Applegate in her first role! 2/5! 


Pickin’ back up with the Creeper’s last 23 day killin’ spree with a story that takes place between parts one and two, a boonies lynch mob guns for the backroads slasher while racin’ him to a farm hidin’ one of his old body parts with secrets to his past. This weakest entry in the Creeper series leaves me happy and pissed at the same time. I can forgive low-budget short comin’s like TV quality effects and most the movie takin’ place durin’ the day, but the story killed me with its weak characters, build-ups with no pay offs, laughable action sequences, and the Creeper’s grab bag of powers that remind me of the randomness in Christopher Reeves’ Superman movies. Suckiest thing about the movie is how two people learn the secrets of the Creeper, but we’re never told any of it! Booby-trap Creepermobiles, impalements, Olympic javelin throwin’, eye-poppin’ gore, dirt bike punks, telekinetic weapons, teen-wolf car surfin’, axes to the face, magical Creeper meat mitts, car flippin’, ricochet road rage, spear fishin’, gattlin’ gun Humvees, haunted arguments, impervious rides, and car-seekin’ road bombs! 3/5!

JIGSAW (2002)

A college art class takes a field trip to a bar and gets smashed while presentin’ their joint disasterpiece, a hodge podge arts and craft mannequin whose body is so fucked up in the name of artistic expression, it has no choice but to randomly come alive without a lick of explanation and kill ’em all. The story’s genuinely interestin’, and the actors are kinda fun to watch thanks to some witty dialogue, but I think the filmmakers really dropped the ball when it comes to the monstrous design of their Ol’ Navy prop, and I’m pretty upset the movie just abruptly ends without any resolution whatsoever! Zero boobs, jealous truckers, heart attacks, crucified bonfires, remote camera eyes, firework mohawks, cowgirl dancin’, buzzsaw arms through the chest, suicidal flashback dramas, gals hogtied in their underwear, awkward swingin’, record breakin’ pees, teachers hittin’ on students, decapitated trickery, and strangulation! 2/5! 

JIGSAW (2017)

The police are findin’ bodily leftovers from Jigsaw’s newest game litterin’ the city and hurry to save the remainin’ players while tryin’ to figure out if this is the work of the original John Cramer or a copycat. Much like the Friday the 13th movies, the formula ain’t nothin’ new, but the devil’s in the details for what makes this eighth Saw film just as engagin’ as the first flick. More things are added to Jigsaw’s timeline, the franchise opens itself up to the possibility of even more sequels, and there’s plenty of blood with some top shelf make-up effects. Stabbin’s, impalements, sliced up human piñatas, severed legs, wire traps, bucket headgear, hangin’s, corrosive injections, deadly walls, fatal misfires, explodin’ hands, half decapitations, lethal injections, casket switcharoos, laser collars, sliced up heads, freefallin’ farm tools, skin puzzles, tricycle puppet mascots, and outdated instructional tapes! 4/5!


When bad boy Johnny Grissom’s head bangin’ gang accidentally kills him, he’s none too happy ’bout it and returns from the grave to raise some hell on a budget. For a director’s dream project that’s been pressure cookin’ for 30+ years, I’m surprised this ain’t better than it is. I can overlook amateur lightin’ and half the cast lackin’ any screen presence, but the script needs a lot more tightenin’ regardin’ a more consistent point of view. It either needs to be more ’bout Johnny’s tragic journey beyond the grave as an anti-hero or solely focus on his best bud’s struggle with a guilty conscious as a much scarier Johnny closes in on him. Decapitated heads in lockers, slit throats, wet wicked witch defenses, re-animated skeletons, CGI soul tunnels, bangin’ between the sheets with boobs, staged suicides, stabbin’s, half severed hands, impaled heads, slam dunk corpses, principles smothered under bagged organs, parkin’ lot brawls, home invasions, knife fights, sharp shootin’ blind men, crowbars to the noggin’, ghost punches, daytime grave diggin’, and shower scenes without boobs! 2/5!


A gang of paranormal investigatin’ Brits are shootin’ a ghost hunters trainin’ video in a haunted school hall, but the cheeky booga-boo they encounter is more powerful than expected and pushes them to their limits as CGI blood closes in ’round them. For a four wall drama, this ain’t bad. A slow-burn, absolutely, but not bad. The ensemble of clashin’ personalities is entertainin’, there’s a steady escalation of danger, and the filmmakers keep me on my toes by addin’ their own addition of made-up spooks to rival the usual suspects behind hauntin’s and possessions. Only minor sour might be savin’ the entire body count for the final act. Explodin’ flower vases, psychics, dead pits, blood geysers, dissolvin’ techs, spiritual sacrifices, disappearin’ doors and phones, salt circles, magic symbols, light spells, and homicidal ghosts! 3/5! 

JUNE (2015)

A half possessed baby named June is rescued from some UFO inspired ritual and ping pongs through different foster families ’til she lands at Casper Van Dien’s doorstep as a 9 year old Carrie wannabe who yammers with an inner demon. The cult decides to give her ritual another go after all this time, and Casper’s gotta ditch June before he and his wife get hurt. This flick has a lot of sweets goin’ for it like production value and a cast with real actin’ chops, but the story doesn’t feel like it has enough substance, tension, or mystery to me. It’s over before I know it, and I barely notice or care when key characters are killed by CGI. Demonic whirlwind breaths, tricks of the eyes, garbage disposal injuries, hurled dinners, insta-rain, trailer trash culture, mass homicide, possessions, young’n bullies, bleedin’ orifices, black eyes, slit throats, secret cults, dark rituals with UFO lights, and a bloodbath of a girl’s first period! 3/5!


If your gang ignores every forest ranger and drunken hick warnin’ ya not to drive your big ass RV up the damn mountain because it’s too dangerous, then y’all deserve to be game for inbred killers lookin’ for new wardrobes that compliment their unibrows! An effective film with its droning score, beautiful forest scenery, and energetic characters, there’s one incredibly creepy shot, and you won’t believe how Tweedletard and Tweedletarder are whipped in the end. Blondes in hot pants, gingers skinny dippin’, machete killin’, impalements, choppin’ down trees with machetes to reach the last girl, Creature From the Black Lagoon pranks, boom box hatin’ hicks, sirens singin’, campin’, abandoned church massacres, rope bridge disasters, truck explosions, gunshots, and last girls up to their elbows in slashers! 3/5!


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