Friday, November 8, 2013

Fanmail Friday: Don't punch your kids

Morning Readers,

The cup of coffee I poured before I started writing this is gone. Kaput. Mainly because the baby has decided to mutiny and not take a morning nap. Instead, I drank most of that liquid gold while listening to him yell at me from his crib ...these could have been insults or plans for world domination.

His English is still non-existent, so I'll keep you posted.

Then again, it was probably insults. He knows my nose is slightly crooked.

Right, so you know what we haven't done for a while?

Besides anything productive. I don't even know why you're forcing me to say the p word.

Fanmail. We haven't opened the big burlap bag of awesome and peered in at the shady yet exciting contents lately. Whose job is that anyway? If any of you raises a hand and says, "Um, you are, Paige. Because you run this establishment and pay the ten dollars to keep blighting the internet with it," I'll be forced to put you in charge of fanmail. And I only pay in canned goods that are three days from expiring. Your call.

Hmm, I wasn't aware so many of you like creamed corn.

Ok, it's time to answer the questions you've sent me inadvertently, via Google. As always, I apologize for how much time it takes me to respond. I truly need a secretary, and dressing the baby in a suit and giving him a pen to take notes really isn't working out.

Now then, your most burning queries of the month...

1.) "Defence society private dance party"

     Uh huh. I see what you're saying. The only thing I don't appreciate is you mentioning the secret society where everyone on the internet can see it. But, yes, it's still held on the fence, and, if we're really getting down to brass tacks, it's not so much about dancing anymore, as it is about making all the members feel comfortable by shuffling our feet and not making eye contact.

2.) "Are twins harder to potty train"

Honestly, I probably need more information. Harder to train than what? If you're inquiring whether twins are more difficult to train than a herd of three toed sloths with a lazy eye, then yes. But, like I said, more information is appreciated.

3.) "Worst shiner black eye ever"

I've actually never gotten a black eye. When I was seven, my crush punched me in the stomach, after I divulged my unrequited love, but that left a black and blue mark on my heart, not my face.

However, if this is the Reader who sent in the question about potty training, don't worry, the black eye is normal. But do remember to bob and weave. And, this should go without saying, you can't punch them back. Invest in a case of bourbon and move on. If all else fails, please try my ten step program.

OK, it's time for me to pack up the troop and head to the library. I do this because I'm a glutton for punishment, but also because I love literature and need reasons to power through the last of the margarita mix in the fridge. Winners never quit. Quitters never win.

As always, feel free to add your own advice, and remember, if you have any burning questions for me, don't hesitate to type them into Google and inadvertently find my website.

Until Next Time, Readers!