The Boris Disorder According to the NHS

Overview: The Boris Disorder is characterised by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking emotions, behaviours and statements, usually beginning in early adulthood, including excessive need for power within a politically incompetent system or society.

Symptoms: The Boris Disorder affects politicians in different ways and can cause a wide variety of symptoms. They range from incendiary or outrageous public statements to symptomatic deceit and corruption.

When to see a doctor: It’s important to seek help from your GP if you think you may have the disorder. The sooner you see a doctor, the sooner you can be on the way to recovery.

Causes: Sometimes there is a trigger for Boris Disorder. Undeserved privileges, being surrounded by people who never disagree with you and who laugh at your badly placed jokes, being constantly reminded of your uniqueness when you actually are an average JoBloggs might cause the first onset.

Diagnosis: There isn’t a set of tests which can lead to a clear diagnosis but the honest people around you know you’ve got it. Listen to them.

Treatment: Life circumstances such as poverty, homelessness, full-time employment in the mining sector, care work will help the sufferer get better. Self-help groups are often recommended as well as specialist silent treatments. Prescribed ‘itching powders’ are known to improve the success rate.

Living with Boris Disorder: Many politicians with Boris Disorder benefit by making lifestyle changes, such as giving their wealth to the poor, wearing clothes from charity shops, regular fasting, joining and supporting worthwhile causes, volunteering to collect the rubbish and to unblock the toilets in council flats. Finally, a daily humility session. On a long-term basis.

Maria Stadnicka, 8th August 2018