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OP-ED: I Ain't Gay, But Watch Me Kill This Wawa Hoagie in One Bite


Photo by jeffreyw / CC BY 2.0

Hey guys, watch this! I'm gonna murder this Wawa hoagie in one bite.

No homo, though.

But seriously, I'm gonna take this bad boy like a champ. I'm gonna open my mouth real wide and get it all in there. None of that "chewing" shit. Nah, I'm gonna demolish it fast and hard—not bite into it, like some kind of pussy.

Which I love, by the way. Pussy, I mean. I love pussy.

Easy does it. See how it slides down my gullet so effortlessly? Meatballs, bread, and all. I'm telling you, dude, it's all about relaxing the throat muscles. Just really getting comfortable with it. Close your eyes if you need to. Yeah, you bet your ass I didn't gag. I took it like a man. 

But like, a very, very heterosexual man. I, mean, I don't have to tell you that. You saw how I washed it down with a cold brewski.

Yeah, I do this every time I get a hoagie. I'm just so hungry—you know, from hitting the gym so much—that I can't help but finish it off in like a few seconds flat. There's literally nothing better than a mouthful of meatball hoagie after a sick workout. 

Bro, why are you looking at me like that? Chill out. All I'm saying is, I fucking love Wawa hoagies. 

Like, I ain't gay, but I'd definitely fuck this sandwich.