Tips to survive a Trump presidency

As the American general election comes to a conclusion, many are taking to the streets in protest: some feel their basic human rights threatened; others are simply depressed. How to combat these dark days? Emily Hall provides some advice.

  1. Secure your birth control

If you live in America, or you’re planning on going to America anytime soon and rely on any contraceptives for family planning, make sure to go to NHS and get your birth control sorted before January when Mike ‘Female Health Expert’ Pence assumes the Vice-Presidency. Under Obamacare, hormonal birth control methods are free and legal; however, rumour has it that Obamacare will be dismantled immediately come inauguration.

  1. Subscribe to a dog-based news source 

If the last 18 months of campaigning have been any indication, with Trump in the spotlight, headlines are likely to be filled with more of his abusive and offensive comments about minority groups or women. Many find this stressful. Balance things out with a publication that exclusively features photos of dogs for your own well-being.

  1. Get involved in local politics 

 Americans and Scots alike may be feeling isolated and hopeless after the democratic process left them with what feels like a dark joke of a brave new world. Slowly mend your own faith in democracy by lobbying where your voice goes the furthest: local politics.

  1. Work on your style

The American President often has a profound effect on which fashion and beauty trends are popular. To master the Trump look, you’re going to want  to use an orange-tinted bronzer and a pair of large glasses to wear while you apply it.

  1. Adopt the buddy system 

As my beautiful French fiancée, Léa, and I have already done, pair up American to non-American. After we wed, we will move to France. However, this can work both ways. If Trump makes America inhospitable, the American will be able to flee to the home country of their new love, and if Trump unleashes his full military might on the rest of the world, the non-American side of the match will have a place secured in the eye of the storm.

  1. Update your CV 

Trump’s election has radically changed what is considered appropriate in a political setting, and thus redefined professionalism completely. On your new CV, you’ll want to name-drop all of your connections and add the word ‘tremendous’ every sixth word. Forget about relevant qualifications; getting the job is now about volume and appealing to the base and the neglected instincts of some of those who have the power to hire you.



[Image: tiburi @ Pixabay]

Related News

Say something

The Student Newspaper 2016