Batten The Hatches

« October 2005 »

I would like to apologize to all the non-locals of You Are Dumb Dot Net for today's column, but my ties to my current home run deep. And I have to warn my friends and neighbors, because I just read we don't have a fucking evacuation plan for this city, and we need one.

Kirk Cameron is here. Today. This weekend. It's too late to escape. By the time you read this and can start heading out of town, he'll be Kirking it up all over town. Mostly in Arden Hills, but scientists figure Kirk Cameron's destructive radius can stretch for hundreds of miles. None of us may be safe.

Especially us. I know who reads this. You range from hardcore heathen atheists to surprisingly sane born-agains. And I worry for you. Because this is KIRK FUCKING CAMERON, the star of the "Left Behind" movies, and some of you may think you can just ride Kirk out without taking precautions. And that is a potentially fatal mistake.

Kirk is coming here as part of the... actually, looking at their website, it appears from their disclaimer that I'm not supposed to use their legally protected trademark unless it's to promote them, and I'm, um, not doing that. So I'll use the initials WVW, which stand for the Earth, the show Star Jones works on, and the collective term for Saturday and Sunday respectively. The Christian WVW. In which the uberjesusy types descend upon Arden Hills to hear uberuberjesusy types talk about how much us unterjesusy types suck. Thus promoting the Christian WV.

They actually don't say much about what Kirk will be doing, which is fucking ominous, if you ask me. He'll just be "focusing on Biblical Evangelism" with a guy named Ray. Kirk and Ray Comfort co-host some show called "The Way Of The Master", which I presume is designed to trick people looking for bad kung-fu movies into learning about Jesus. Their motto is WDJD, which made me wonder what that first D stands for. Braving the Way of the Master website, I am confronted with the question "Are you a Christian?" I don't fear the truth, but I do fear their web-based response to the truth. Luckily, they provide three options - Yes, No, and Skip Intro.

Still no sign of the D, but I am presented with the best web-segue ever. The phrase " May God richly bless your visit to", followed by a clickable button imploring me to TRY THE COFFEE MAKER. In case you were wondering whether that is a euphemism for "discovering God, the maker of all things, including coffee", it's not. It triggers a hideously wacky Flash animation in which a WDJD cup is filled to overflowing with simulated coffee, which then fills the browser. That's when I killed myself.

My reanimated corpse checked out their FAQ. Surely, the variant WDJD would be covered there? No. Although the FAQs do include "I have my own thoughts on what god is like.", which isn't a question, and "I have a lust problem.", which is neither a question nor a problem per se. I did not read the answers. I do not love you people that much, and this column is not about Way Of The Master. But you can see, from my distraction just there, how insidiouis Kirk Cameron can be. I'm supposed to be talking about the End Of The Week Period Whose Name I Dare Not Utter, and instead I'm pretty sure the D stands for "did".

Also appearing this weekend are Steve Saint, a man who got revenge on the primitive tribe who killed his father by converting the whole lot of them to Christianity*, and Brannon Howse, the author of "One Nation Under Man: The Worldview War Between Christians and the Secular Left", who, were I to insanely walk through Arden Hills this weekend, would likely point at me and shout "There's one! Git 'im!". Then someone would cue up Yakety Sax and they'd all chase me in a single-file line back to my home.

So please, if you're anywhere near the Twin Cities, don't take any stupid chances. Stay indoors, have plenty of fresh batteries handy, download enough Internet porn to last two weeks ('cause even with a new boss, FEMA ain't gonna be here with emergency porn supplies that fast), and hunker down. Kirk Cameron does not feel pity, or remorse, or fear, and he absolutely will not stop, EVER, until you are cleansed.

*You think I am shitting you here, that I am making with the comedy, and you would be wrong. The website actually apologizes for the fact that Steve Saint's father's converted murderer will not be able to make the WVW due to a scheduling conflict.