Winged Blow-Torch


As with all kingdoms back in the days of yore, Alagaesia’s mayor is the patently-evil King Galbatorix. He was elected on the political platform that he’s a former dragon rider (cool). He also sold out everyone around him for money, fame, power and chicks (cooler still).


Meanwhile, outside of town, a young boy named Eragon (why didn’t they just call him Eric?) finds a blue egg, a gift from the feel-uppable Princess Arya. It hatches before Eragon can make enough egg salad for 400 sandwiches, and a baby dragon pops out. He names it Saphira. (Lame name as no one had claimed Scaly D at the time. Today at least six rappers with shingles go by it.)


Enter Brom, a local dude who becomes a dad/mentor to the recently orphaned whiner. Brom tells Eragon he is the dragon rider prophesied to kick Galbatorix’s throne and bring happy good times throughout the land. He also has to deal with an evil sorcerer (Durza) who can make black magic happen. While this spit is getting ready to hit the fan, the dragon is growing at an alarming rate, meaning that the litter box in the barn is gonna have to be emptied with a front-loader.


Eragon, under Brom’s tutelage, learns how to ride the dragon, go flying into danger and to be a good guy. BORING. If I had a flying dragon that shot flames out through its portals, let’s just say Happy Hour would get a whole lot more happier. For me, anyway.


Regardless of his clichéd quest, Eragon (2006), a total wuss, rides the lightning for truth, justice and the Alagaesia way. If he succeeds: candy and balloons will grow everywhere. If he doesn’t: black stuff will get on everyone’s shoes for all eternity. Believable dragon flying sequences, but Eragon needs to be a little more Motorhead and a lot less Air Supply.

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