Party's Over

Party's Over


I guess everyone knew it couldn't last forever. It was the bee's knees to control the entire government for a couple years, but now the Democrats are going to have to give up the House of Representatives to a buzz-killing Republican majority. No more all-night keggers, no more secret hazing rituals, no more drawing various cartoon genitalia on the bald heads of sleeping Senators. I'm gonna miss the fun we've had, so to commemorate some of the best moments, I'm immortalizing them in my diary.

The first memory that comes to mind is from my first rager back in February '09. We used the CIA to kidnap one of Sarah Palin's kids, one of the older ones, don't remember which one, and then we sat her in front of a huge plate of pot brownies. No bullshit, she ate every last crumb. She took one bite into the first one, said it tasted funny, then she just kept eating. Halfway through, her munchies kicked in something fierce and she asked for, no, demanded a liter of Mountain Dew. Bernie Sanders got it for her and she chugged the whole thing at once. Then she destroyed the rest of the brownies and ran around like a stoned maniac for the rest of the night. It never stopped being hilarious.

Later that year we rented a party bus and took the whole crew on a road trip to Florida. We requisitioned a farm's entire day's worth of eggs and launched them at Jeb Bush's house when he was off playing golf. And remember, this was Florida. It was 86 degrees with 100% humidity and bugs everywhere. That house stank like crazy and it was absolutely covered in, like, mosquitoes and roaches and stuff. We thought it might be cool to fly a bunch of bats in to watch them have a feeding frenzy, but then we realized that bats are nocturnal so it's be too dark to actually see anything by the time they'd get going. We just rented The Dark Knight and projected it against the wall of a local 7-11 instead.

Looking back I feel kinda bad about how many pranks we pulled on Geithner. I mean, the guy's a Grade-A twerp but he probably didn't deserve that spring-loaded package full of frogs or that time we tricked him into having sex with a transsexual hooker. Which reminds me, there are a surprising number of transsexual hookers in Washington D.C. I mean, I know it's not the Dems who are employing them. Don't get me wrong, we get freaky with paid strange all the time, but we've been using Spitzer's hook-up with the agency. Even those of us who need a little pickle surprise every now and then know to order it special from Madame Wink-Wink's catalog, not to just pick it up off the dodgy end of K Street. I'm not saying the GOP is the demand to the transsexual hooker supply, I'm just saying that it was a lot easier to find a certain variety of working girl post-2000 than it was when Clinton was in office.

I think I'm gonna miss Hillary's cabaret routines the most. That woman has such confidence, such grace. When she knew the opposition couldn't stand in her way, she'd put on that modified tuxedo costume, paint on a greasy mustache and jazz up the Capitol Building like nobody's business. Maybe I'll live to see the day when she trots out that old routine as the President, but it just won't be the same. Where's the fun if it's not transgressive?