Building a Big, Stupid Paper-mache Football Head


1. Tactical Existential Crisis

Some dog with a massive not football.

Some dog with a massive not football.

Since turning 36, I've been harassed by an invasive thought; "should I be doing this at my age?".  These concerns aren't Murtaghian, it's more of a should-I-be-playing-PS4-while-eating-Krave-out-of-the-packet kind of a deal.

Facing an existential crisis, I committed myself to the kind of hands-on, creative project I imagine MacGuyver and Tony Hart, two of my icons, would do in their spare time.

The project?  Building a big, stupid paper-mache football head.  Yes.  That'll make me a real adult human.  Admittedly, I initially tried to cheat by buying a massive football head online...but all I could find was huge tennis ball.  Close.  But not good enough dammit.  Not good enough.

2. The World's a Nicer Place in my Beautiful Balloon

Aside from ending up with a big, stupid, paper-mache football head, there's some unexpected benefits in working on a project like this; you learn things.  For example, since I started building the head I've discovered:

- Tooting has a local balloon shop

- Balloon shop owners look ironically deflated

- I can look another man in the eye and say "I need a massive balloon.  No no; larger."

- Balloon shop owners keep their best balloons in a drawer under the counter

But why a massive balloon?  Because WikiHow told me that was the best way to build a paper-mache head.  As shown below, you acquire a massive balloon (image one; with bulldog for scale) cover it with strips of newspaper dipped in glue (image two; I applied five layers because pedantry).  Then you burst the balloon, carve a hole in the bottom of your big, stupid, sphere, and wear it like a big, stupid helmet  (image three).  Congratulations; you're a bell-end.

The Most Beautifullest Thing in This World

The Most Beautifullest Thing in This World

3. British Graffiti

Having built the football's foundations, I then needed to apply white paint and distinctive black pentagons so it broadly resembled the greatest, most iconic football ever stitched; the Adidas Telstar (1970 version).

The first part is easy; you spray your big, stupid sphere with two cans-worth of spray-paint (image 4, above); not all at once, mind.  Interesting observation re: spray paint; it gets everywhere, it makes you feel sick rather than high and it tests the patience of anyone you share your life with.

The pentagons were more challenging; I chose to mark out individual shapes with masking tape then fill these in with black spray-paint before removing the tape.  It didn't produce perfect results; the pentagons 'bleed' into the wide sections, the overall surface is lumpy, and close-up it looks rubbish - but it looks like a football, and it distracted me from my early-onset midlife crisis.

So what next?  The plan is to try out some stuff with a green screen and make some GIFS, but ultimately, it'll enable me to make juvenile content while distracting from the fact I'm too old for this shit.