The truth comes out...maybe

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Lil, Jan 12, 2015.

  1. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    It'll never be over, will it?

    Son calls tonight, just HAS to talk to me, can't I please give him a ride to work so he can talk about the job and his being fired/unfired/etc., and about how he has no food and no money and I was telling him no...right up until he dropped the bomb. He has no money because he had to give his paycheck to a bondsman.

    Apparently the timeline is this: We got the apt. on the 2nd. The 5th he goes to Wal-Mart with the homeless friend. The arrest is for shoplifting Blue Rays. He says he had none on him and if his friend did, he didn't know about it.

    IF his friend did??? Does he still not know about it?? Has he not asked him?

    Anyway...five hours later he apparently got a bondsman to take an IOU until he got his paycheck on the 9th. But he's broke again. He'd told me he got lots of food from the food pantry. Now he says he got enough for a day or two and it's gone.

    We fought, of course, because I'm sick to death of everything. I'm sick of him. I'm sick of lies and excuses and defensiveness and stupid questions: "Do you think I wanted this to happen?" Of course I don't think he wanted it to happen. I do think that it's just another in a long line of stupid choices. "How do you think I felt?" How would I know? I've managed to live 51 years without ever being arrested!

    He said he was going to plead guilty. I told him not least until I can see if I can get him a lawyer pro bono...maybe I can call in a favor from a friend...but I kind of doubt it really. I don't have that many lawyer friends who don't work for the state. I know I should let the chips fall where they may, but I'm still his mom and still a lawyer and I hate to have him have a record if I can help it. I can't represent him. Not to mention that if he has a misdemeanor conviction, well that's it...his job really is gone.

    I'm so tired of this. He went on and on about failing. How we dropped $600 on the apartment and told him not to fail...and how did we think that made him feel? We didn't tell him not to fail. We told him not to screw us in blow his money and stick us with the bill.

    Nothing was resolved. Why would it be? It's the same conversation we've had a dozen times when he's messed something up...with a new twist of it being something this time that can effect the rest of his life.

    I just feel numb.
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2015
  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Lil, I am so sorry. I am so very sorry. I don't know what to say. I was hoping and routing for him to do good, I really was. You are a great mom. I hate to see you hurts me...
  3. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh...and it was the same day that he got to work and his boss told him she thought he smelled of liquor and to go home, which led him to believe he was fired, which he actually wasn't. So yeah. I'd say that might actually rank up there as his worst day ever. Ironically, he had not been drinking, just under arrest.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Why can't you represent him Lil? I'm just curious.
  5. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I work for the state, which means I would be working against my employer.

    Actually, they might let me, but it's really iffy. But I really don't know if I could face telling my bosses. Not to mention I haven't done criminal law in 20 years and I'm sorely out of practice. I might do more harm than good. And then, there's the issue that it's just generally a bad idea to represent family. Kind of doctors working on family members.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry Lil.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand. My husband has represented our daughter several times, he did have his associate handle her shoplfting though and we did hire an attorney for one case.

    I'm sorry. I hated all the times we had to go to court. I hated the rules and laws she would break. I'm sure you are tired of it all.
  8. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    I just don't know what to do.
  9. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I'm praying for you and Jab as you maneuver through this latest difficult child crisis.
  10. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Lil, I'm sorry. Sheesh.

    Our non-difficult child kids would figure out the food and ride situations on their own and call us immediately about a shoplifting charge! I don't know if it would have done any good to fess up to you and Jabber earlier, but maybe...not that it matters now.

    I hope it all works out.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Lil, I'm so extremely sorry. My son used to steal, but he never got caught. I didn't know he did it until he stopped, which is somewhat like my daughter and not knowing the extent of her drug use until she quit. As for "my friend did it, but not me" why would he be arrested if his friend had movies on him but he didn't? I don't even know. That's more your territory.

    Lil, our difficult children break our hearts over and over again until t hey decide not to. They make no sense and just when we think they are doing well, they throw us for a loop, or at least that is the normal cycle.

    Lil, you are a good person and are doing all you can for your son. One thing I learned from having two difficult children is that we never do know what they are doing or why when we aren't there and it takes their quitting the behavior for them to explain it to us.

    Do you think maybe it's time, since you are funding the apartment to tell his homeless friend to leave?

    I hope it works out and that it really is his friend who did it without his knowledge. You are doing everything you can, like most of us did. In the end it isn't what you do, it's what he does.

    HUgs to you and Jabber and keep us updated! You know we care.
    Last edited: Jan 13, 2015
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am not sure I buy the whole "it was him not me" thing either. If he didn't have anything on him, how could they arrest him? Wouldn't they have to have evidence? Video or something?

    Oh Lil. I know this rollercoaster all too well. I know what it is like to try and try for them and get nowhere. I will say that difficult child's small charges have affected her getting a job anywhere where they do background checks. I knew that may be an outcome but when she was pregnant and on meth, quite frankly I was concerned about the baby and the immediate future - not her future that she may have if she survived her addiction.

    But what to do is up to you. I do know now that if I had the means to do it, I would do what I could to have my daughter's record wiped clean - but only after she was clean and doing well.
  13. hopeandjoy66

    hopeandjoy66 Member

    Just curious also, does your son have a blue ray player? I wouldn't think the homeless dude would. If not what were was his intention of doing with the movies? Sell them, for what? HMMM
    These crisis's never cease. I too am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. How does he manage to make poorer and poorer choices?
  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry that he put himself in this situation.
  15. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Every time the situation just gets worse. Every single time. You tell him you are done but there is always something that comes along to make it undone. At the time, you say, after you told him, getting the apartment was the last thing you were going to trust him on and now this? Since you are under the county, can't you get information about the arrest? Personally I am thinking you need to let him take the rap (according to the facts you find out) and lean towards going for adjudication. Maybe community service with adjudication, something like that. Then he has to do the time, you can still be done solving his problems for him and not have to worry about a permanent record. Somehow, Lil, this son of yours has got to get the message that you are done. Why is it that it doesn't surprise me that the kind of trouble he is in revolves around your career specialty? I, know, I know, you probably don't think he thinks it through enough to actually be this. But what else is it, coincidence? Maybe. Although every single situation, to me is sounding more and more like rotten DNA than upbringing or immaturity. GET THE FACTS, not from him but from the county or the bonding company, but if it were me, I would want to see it in writing before I made any decisions about what to do next.
    My heart, once again goes out to you, Lil and Jabber.
  16. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I'm here too, Lil.

  17. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Actually, yes they could arrest him based on the fact that he was with the guy who did steal something. Of course, they'd have to prove he participated or helped or at least knew the guy did it, but that alone would make him an accessory and accessories are charged just like the people who commit the crime in my state.

    Actually no. He has a DVD built in to the TV, but can't play blue-ray, so I don't know what that's about.

    Well if he got someone pregnant he'd be in my specialty. I haven't done anything but child support hearings for the state for 20 years.

    I just don't know what to think or do here. Jabber and I didn't even discuss it. I think he needed time and I was just trying not to cry. I was DONE! I was! No more food, no more money. But do I not even talk to the PA? I mean, if I can get the charges dropped or if we get him a lawyer who can get him some kind of deal...I don't want him having a record! Jabber and I always told him if he got arrested we would not bail him out. Literally. He'd sit in jail until court. But we also told him we'd help him all we could, hire a lawyer, etc. Well he's not sitting in jail, because he bailed himself out.

    I don't know how to just let him swing in the breeze here. It is against every instinct I have...both as a mother and a lawyer.
  18. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    The problem with trying to do this is as soon as we leave, the other person will be right back in. Kind of like telling him not to bring J-1 into our house then leaving for work. We weren't there to stop it so it happened.

    He has a combo tv but don't remember if it was dvd or blue ray but fairly certain it was only dvd.

    Sorry it took me so long to chime in on this but I've been trying to get my thoughts on it somewhat organized. Didn't want to post a knee jerk reaction.

    I don't believe that he is innocent. He might not have actually stolen the blue rays but he was at least being a lookout. He had no money so why was he even there? You don't go to the store with a friend when neither of you have any money or a vehicle, not one that's 5 miles from where you are staying, unless you are up to no good.
    2m2r, I don't think he is doing things based on his mothers occupation. My guess as to what happened here was that he was broke, didn't want to wait till payday, didn't have access to our stuff to pawn anymore, and his "friend" had a plan. Said plan got them in trouble.

    I know Lil probably wont agree with this but I'm of a mind to step back completely and tell him to deal. As we're telling him this, also tell him that if he wants ANY advice from us on this to ask right then. If he needs any other legal advice he needs to speak with a public defender.

    I've considered asking to see the police reports and the security footage. I have the connections to get that done. Honestly, I'm still considering this. Its one thing to know that he will steal from us but another thing entirely to receive verification that he has moved on to more accessible if less safe targets.
  19. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Honey, I don't want to just let him swing in the breeze either but right now he seems hell bent on leaning over the edge of the cliff to get as much of the wind as he can. I just have no idea what to do right now.
  20. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    There was a time when our son was picked up for a headlight out. The police were watching his car because he was already pretty heavily into the drug scene, I think.

    I didn't know that then, of course.

    Anyway, we knew things were very wrong. We did not know how to stop it. difficult child daughter had already been in "treatment" more than once, and it had only seemed to make things worse.

    She met really bad kids, there. (Wrote Cedar, the perennial innocent.)

    Anyway, difficult child son was picked up on a warrant having to do with this headlight thing, which had been fixed, and which a policeman had come to the house to verify.

    And we let him be in jail.

    And we told him that we knew it was unfair, but that this is what it meant to be punished by the adult system.

    And one of the moms whose own son would later wind up in prison, called us to ask us to let her bail our son out of jail and we said no.

    Neither of my children has been in prison.

    I don't know whether that stint in jail when he had done nothing wrong had anything to do with difficult child son not winding up in prison somewhere or not.

    He was like, sixteen or maybe seventeen at that time.