Marriage ain't easy—especially on cable. Just ask the Garveys on The Leftovers, any of the ex-Drapers on Mad Men, the one half of the Morrows left standing on Sons of Anarchy. But on FX's_ Married_, which premiered last night, it can at least be funny. Certified comic geniuses Nat Faxon and Judy Greer, both married in real life (to other people, in case you were wondering), play a couple consistently teetering between run-of-the-mill exhaustion and total nuclear meltdown. The show, like wedded life, says Faxon, "pulls no punches. It's funny sometimes. It's sad sometimes. It can be beautiful, hurtful, and complicated. And being married with kids, I can attest to that." We went to the pair for their experience and advice in all things love and marriage, and found out what not to order on a date, the two words to guilt anyone into bed, and how showing up outside someone's house with a boom box is still the mating ritual of choice.


What was the worst date you ever had?

** **Nat Faxon: I went out with this girl once who thought it would be fun to assume different personalities while at dinner. She then proceeded to play the "character" of a rude older woman who was awful to the waitstaff. It was fucking brutal. But I will say this: she did commit.

Judy Greer: It was a blind date I had in college. He picked me up in the Walgreens parking lot on the corner because he claimed he couldn't find my apartment. Then made me sit in his car and listen to "Kick" by INXS, on cassette, in it's entirety, because he said he couldn't date a girl who didn't appreciate "Kick." Then he took me to a diner and ordered for me while I was in the bathroom. He ordered me a full breakfast, eggs, pancakes, sausage, and orange juice because he said I was too skinny. (That part I liked).

So what's the best way to get out of a bad date?

** **Faxon: Probably brutal honesty. However, being a total pussy and scared of awkwardness/discomfort/conflict, I usually went the opposite way and suffered through the dinner, the small talk outside her apartment, and then the terrible dry-humping on her couch before finally leaving. I then never returned the follow-up phone calls and was labeled an asshole. Clearly, not the best way out.


**Greer: **Cut yourself with a steak knife so you have to go to the hospital because, 1. scars are cool, and 2. maybe the ER doc will be hot.

What's the least sexy drink a someone can order on a date? Why?

** **Faxon: Anything nonalcoholic. No offense to anyone who's sober, it's just the success of my terrible "moves" back in the day were predicated on me and my date's inebriation.

Greer: A piña colada. You know why.

What's the sexiest thing someone can say or do to get you into bed?

** **Faxon: Pre-marriage? It take very little. A look, a sexy bra, no bra, some side boob action, tight pants. Post-marriage? It takes even less. Wife: "The kids are napping, so…." Me: "I'm in."

**Greer: **Two words. **"**You promised!"

What's the key to a successful morning-after?

** **Faxon: Having a plan. If it was terrible, have a way to get the fuck out of there. If the night was good, propose brunch with bacon and Bloody Marys.

**Greer: **And coffee.

What's the one thing you should say every day to your wife?

** ****Faxon: "**You're right." Followed by, "I'm an idiot," "I'm sorry," and "Have you lost weight?"

Greer: And "thank you."

What's the one thing you should never say to your wife?

** **Faxon: "You're wrong." (Obviously.) And stay away from the word "cute" in response to how an outfit looks.

**Greer: "**I know we never talked about this, but…."

In last night's premiere of Married, your characters seriously discuss an open marriage. In that spirit, if you got one hypothetical cheating freebie, who would it be with?

** **Faxon: I actually have four top choices in no particular order: Phoebe Cates. When she comes out of the pool in Fast Times at Ridgemont High? I mean, who could blame Judge Reinhold? Penelope Cruz, from Vanilla Sky. Halle Berry, from Die Another Day. And Scarlett Johansson, from anything.

**Greer: **Lloyd Dobler (John Cusack), from Say Anything.

What's the biggest change to your life after marriage that nobody warns you about?

** **Faxon: That you'll never have sex with anyone else. They warn you, it's just really hard to fully grasp that concept until you are in it.

**Greeer: **Everyone pretty much warned me about everything. But what I didn't expect is that I keep having more and more fun with my husband. But, you know, we don't have babies. I hear that it's the babies that suck the life out of you.

And now, the cheesy question: How do you keep the spark alive?

** **Nat Faxon: Have a lot of sex. Or at least enough. Then you don't care about the other women you are not having sex with.

**Greer: **Don't have babies?