Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with coworker Questions tagged with 'coworker' at Ask MetaFilter. Mon, 31 Aug 2015 19:29:36 -0800 Mon, 31 Aug 2015 19:29:36 -0800 en-us 60 Not attending friend's wedding How much money should I give to a friend for not going to their wedding? I worked with someone for 1 year at some software company. He was a good coworker and friend at that time. This was about 4 years ago and I left the company to pursue my career. We still meet up once a year ever since but don't communicate so often. We still live in the same city.<br> <br> My coworker is Asian and it's common to give money as a gift. How much money is appropriate to give as a gift for not attending their wedding? I was thinking $50?,2015:site.285133 Mon, 31 Aug 2015 19:29:36 -0800 Mountain28 How to ask my coworker to stop chewing gum so loudly? My coworker chews gum really loudly and it annoys me. Best way to tell him (if at all)? I sit in an open office. The guy next to me chews with his mouth open so you can hear these smacking noises. I can put up with hearing the mouth noises during lunch, but he also chews gum all day long, so there is this constant smacking/chomping/saliva noise (with the occasional popping) that drives me insane.<br> <br> What's the best way for me to tell him to chew his gum more quietly without seeming like a jerk? Or should I just put up with it? I've worked in this type of open office environment my entire career and I have never been annoyed by anyone's chewing noises. I really think the problem is just that he doesn't chew with his mouth closed. On the other hand, I'm the type of person who gets annoyed by little noises, so I don't know if I'm just overreacting.<br> <br> Also, I'm aware chewing with your mouth open can be a cultural thing. We are both of the same ethnic background (and both 2nd-generation) and 1st-generation immigrants of our ethnicity generally chew with their mouths open. My parents eat like that. He is very Americanized in all other aspects, so I suspect he just isn't aware his chewing is loud.<br> <br> For what it's worth, he is also my direct report, so I don't want to sound like a tyrannical boss. It's just impacting my ability to concentrate and be productive. I don't want to make it "don't chew gum", because I chew gum myself, and I've sat next to people who chew gum all the time and never noticed it, but I don't want to make it as personal/demeaning as "chew with your mouth closed."<br> <br> Thoughts?,2015:site.284960 Thu, 27 Aug 2015 13:00:38 -0800 Anonymous Co-worker drama over complaining Navigating the post-friendship relationship with someone in a small work environment. I'm a technical professional, 32 years old, in a small male-dominated office. Usually things are awesome there, zero internal drama, except for this... <br> <br> We have a relatively new receptionist/admin assistant M, also 32, who started five months ago and is now permanent staff. She moved from *big city* to our *medium city* a year ago for her husband's work and is still getting used to living here. I moved here too about three years ago, and knowing what it's like to be new, I've invited her to some social gatherings with my friends to be friendly, and it went alright though we haven't subsequently socialized outside of work. At work, we typically took short walks to Starbucks during the day to get some exercise away from the desk, and we chat along the way. She's recently become pregnant, and has apparently been having a hard time of it, her discomfort leading her to begin complain liberally about anything and everything. I've been pregnant too and knew what she was going through, but wasn't appreciating that she's revealing herself to be a petty, negative, ignorant person.<br> <br> We've also just hired an intern student (J, around 20) who is incredibly friendly and sociable, and has joined us on walks. She loves to talk and continue conversations. A few weeks ago, J let M talk for 20 minutes on M's 22 year old neighbour who recently quit her job to become a full-time model, how amazing that was but also bashing her for being an "old" model, nothing more than pretty now and how that will fade and fail her very soon. I found this pettiness hard to bear, but said nothing. J's also originally from *big city*, which M has eagerly jumped on as a topic to discuss a couple times now - all the things M misses from that city, all the ways *big city* is so much better in so many ways than *medium city*, why living in *medium city* sucks, how much more stuff in *medium city* costs, etc. etc. All I can think is, maybe you should just go back there if you hate it here so much. <br> <br> A few weeks ago, on one of our walks I couldn't take her complaining anymore and told M to knock it off, stop going on and on about how *big city* is so much better than *medium city*, I like it here and there are lots of great things about living here. Her negativity is too much to take. J and I continued to talk and be friendly, J picked up on the next thread of conversation without dropping a beat. <br> <br> Now M's been giving me the silent treatment, defriended me on Facebook and we only talked to each other briefly on specific work things since then. I don't think this is worth talking about with the office managers, as it's not actually specific to work and i think it will shed as much bad light on me as her, and I need to keep my good reputation intact. Nor do I think I care much about restoring the relationship to its former status, since her general demeanor's left me with a bad taste in my mouth. But it is a small office work environment, and I'm not sure how to navigate this going forward. I don't often have to deal with problems in work relationships, particularly with other women, and I've been thinking about this situation a lot. Usually I'd just walk away from being friends with someone like this, but here I'm stuck with her at work. Is it so hard to simply not be friends with another woman in a small office?,2015:site.283183 Mon, 20 Jul 2015 10:05:16 -0800 lizbunny Quick/fun birthday gift ideas for new boss I need to get a birthday gift for my new boss (I've worked there just a couple of months and this is the first office birthday since I started). I'm told we do gifts around $10 plus lunch for the birthday person. Extra layer of difficulty: the birthday is early next week. My boss is in her late 60s and likes artistic/creative things. It's a very small office of only 4 regular employees, so even though I haven't worked there long, I do feel like I'm starting to get to know everyone. Even so, I'm a little stumped by the price point and the quick time frame here. Something organization-oriented would maybe work if it's really cool (I'm very tidy/organized and no one else in the office is that way, so I get affectionately teased about that a lot). Our work environment is very casual and pretty fun, so I definitely don't want anything overly serious for this gift, but I don't really care for anything prank-y or too jokey. I'd really like something unique! Hopefully you guys can help me hit the right note.<br> <br> I have Amazon Prime and don't mind spending maybe up to $20-25 as long as the item can pass for more like a $10-15 item. I'm in San Diego, so I could go somewhere locally this weekend to pick something up, too. Otherwise I feel like online options may not really work unless it's super fast (and preferably free) shipping. Well, maybe Zappos! <br> <br> Thanks in advance for your suggestions, hive mind!!,2015:site.282711 Thu, 09 Jul 2015 19:37:05 -0800 hansbrough Distance myself from an annoying work friend I've got a coworker who I've gotten to know over the last 6ish months. He's made a big attempt to be friends. We've hung out together socially a few times. I've realized that I just can't stand his personality. I don't enjoy spending time with him. He's not a bad person. I just don't enjoy hanging out with him. Last year I moved to a new job in a new state. As a smoker, I met another smoker who works for the same company but a different department. Almost immediately, I became his smoke buddy. I didn't particularly like him. <br> <br> He was very pushy, like asking what my lunch plans were every single day. He drinks alot and just about every Monday I have to hear about all this drama that happened with his boyfriend over the weekend when they were both drunk. He was looking for a new job and had a few interviews coming up, so I figured he would get another job and I could put up with him for a little bit and then just fade away. I did invite him to go to a concert with me when I was still trying to see if he would grow on me. He kept trying to pressure me to drink, even though he knows I'm not a big drinker. <br> <br> It's now over 6 months later and he is still working for my company and is pushing hard to be really good friends. He insists on always going out for smoke breaks together and he tries to invite himself into my plans. I recently went on vacation with some friends from my home state and made it seem like it was just a trip with me and my husband so that he wouldn't invite himself along.<br> <br> Another complicating factor: his cubicle is in front of the door to our floor, so he's right there when I walk into work every day.<br> <br> I haven't given him an indication that I don't want to be friends other than not inviting him to anything (though sometimes he invites himself and tags along). I have just tried to be nice and not do anything with him.<br> <br> I have avoided just straight up telling him I don't like him because I don't like to hurt someone's feelings who been nothing but nice to me. It would have been ok if he could just be work friends, but it seems like he wants to be my best friend.<br> <br> How do I distance myself from him? Or is it too late and do I just have to be honest with him?,2015:site.280522 Sat, 23 May 2015 07:31:49 -0800 LizBoBiz How to deal with hostile, but passive-aggressive, coworker? I recently took some disability-related work accomodations and time off. This pissed off a coworker of mine, who doesn't think I should get accomodations for a disability she doesn't think is that serious. Since then, she's been treating me badly at work and taking passive-aggressive action against me. What do I do? It's hard to really explain what - let's call her Abby - has been doing - basically a lot of undermining and just plain hostile behavior and negative side sniping. There have been a couple meetings to talk about the tension where Abby has talked about her frustrations, so I'm not making assumptions on the reasons for the hostility. Abby's not passing on information or collaborating, which I could deal with, but she's also...kind of directing me to do work she doesn't want to do in precisely the way she would do it and then complaining to my boss if I don't. She's telling me not to bother with certain items of my work, and then doing them herself, which makes my own reports of what I'm doing look worse. She consistently cc's my boss and even our head Big Boss on emails to me, complaining of really minor matters. She's not my supervisor, but she acts as though she feels that since I have had disability accomodations, that I need to 'make it up' to the organization somehow. <br> <br> I'm worried to complain to my boss, because the last time we talked about the fact that Abby had issues with me, my boss said it was part of my job to get along with them. But I'm also worried Abby is making my job harder and increasing the likelihood of me getting fired by making me look bad.<br> <br> What do I do?,2015:site.280444 Thu, 21 May 2015 11:30:17 -0800 corb A coworker of mine keeps trying to get me in trouble I think a co-worker of mine actively has it out for me. He tried to get me fired by reporting my moonlighting work. What should I do, if anything? Details inside. So, in my last question, I talked about a guy who reported me to HR by claiming I was being passive-aggressive and rude to him, when I really wasn't. I was told that basically he needs to chill out and I didn't do anything wrong. I think he had his talk with HR, where they told him how to properly interact with his fellow employees and explained to him that he can't just fly off the handle because he didn't like how someone worded a request.<br> <br> I have reason to believe that when he met with HR, he informed them of my personal web portfolio/resume and online presence as a writer. It was easily googleable and some people within my organization already knew that I moonlight as a writer. I never saw it as a problem, and though I didn't talk about it openly, it wasn't really a secret. It's just a hobby and creative outlet. Calling it a second job would be generous because of how little I am paid to do it -- it would be a dream job to do it full-time, but that is extremely unlikely so I just do it for fun. Simply put, I do it because I love it, and I make sure it doesn't affect my main job. My boss brought it up to me and said someone reported it. He made it clear he feels I have been very productive and this freelance work hasn't negatively impacted my job at all. He said the problem was that I hadn't disclosed it and I need to make sure I am keeping him in the loop, but the sense I got is that it's not putting my job in jeopardy or risk me being fired. (It's worth noting that there is no conflict of interest at all with this freelance work and my full-time job, and there is nothing inappropriate or uncouth about that I am doing for my organization's public image.)<br> <br> So that's great I won't be fired, but what should I do about the fact that this guy is apparently actively trying to get me fired? I don't know for sure that this is the guy who reported me, but I have every reason to believe it -- I'm not sure otherwise why anyone would actually care what I do on my personal time. My goal is already to keep my interactions with him to a minimum. Since I telework, this should be easy. My most trusted work allies have moved on from the company so I'm trying to just keep my personal life to myself and stick to strictly work. Is there anything else I should do about this guy, other than continue to be competent at my job? Does it matter who reported this to HR and should I try to ask them where the info came from? On my end, is there anything else I need to do to protect myself further, other than obviously making sure I keep my boss informed of what I am up to and continuing to do my job well?<br> <br> It's obviously important to me that I keep my current job, as it is my career and livelihood. It's also important I continue my moonlighting, because it makes me happy. Thank you!,2015:site.280126 Thu, 14 May 2015 15:29:18 -0800 AspirinPill Not Getting Distracted by a Work Crush How do I not get distracted by, and keep in perspective, a work crush? Sorry for the cliche. <br> <br> There's a guy at work who is very nice, who recently helped me out with something, and in conversations with him I discovered how insightful and kind he is. I very much enjoy talking to him. He had always made a point of smiling and saying hello. We have a definite kind of unique chemistry (not necessarily romantic on his part) which is hard to explain but which I don't experience often with others. He also mentioned a girlfriend in passing conversation.<br> <br> I don't want to DO anything, but I rarely have feelings this strong for anyone (online dating never does it for me), and I have a history of feeling overwhelmed by crushes and thoughts of specific people that seem to spiral out of control for me, emotionally. This crush is becoming distracting at work because i am always thinking about when I will talk to him next, etc, etc. <br> <br> What are some strategies, exercises, mindsets, etc, that I can implement to get myself to keep this under control as much as possible? I'd still like to get to know him as a coworker and hopefully a friend of sorts but especially given that as far as I know he is not single, and also that I haven't know him long and we work together, I don't think any kind of talk of romance or attraction is appropriate now.<br> <br> But, how do I deal with my (strong) feelings and stay focused at work?,2015:site.279620 Sun, 03 May 2015 16:24:44 -0800 bearette How do I be a better coworker? I wrote a note at work that read, "Someone threw away my pizza that was labeled and in the fridge for less than a day. I was expecting to have that for dinner. That sucked. Please don't do that." Now there's drama. I know I handled this badly but I don't know what to do. I didn't know who threw away the food when I wrote the note, and I didn't sign it and I'm not sure why. I realize now this comes across as very passive aggressive. But I was hungry and had just assured my coworker (to whom half the food belonged, and whose name was on the box) that our food was in there before discovering that someone had thrown it out. <br> <br> This morning I come in to find Alice in a bad mood. She has responded to the note with one addressed to my coworker saying she will buy him a new dinner. I fess up to writing the note, saying that if I had known who had done it I would just have tried talking to them. She says, "It was a shitty, shitty note, and not signing it was cowardly, and it made my day bad. I shouldn't have thrown out your pizza, but it was in the fridge where other things go and I needed the space." (Other things do go there, but there were other people's personal foods that have been in that spot for longer that didn't get thrown away.)<br> <br> So now Alice is mad at me. What can I do to smooth over this situation, and how do I avoid doing this again?,2015:site.279259 Sun, 26 Apr 2015 11:30:33 -0800 Night_owl Can I suggest my colleague we share a hotel bedroom? A couple of weeks ago a female coworker I hadn´t had much contact with approached me (male) in a more-friendly-than-usual way and after chatting for a while told me she would be interested in attending a seminar she knew I was attending out of town. She asked me if the two of us could travel together. We did and spent the day together at this event sharing the trips, breaks, and meals. I sensed she was flirting with me at times, even though she recently told me she has a boyfriend who lives with her. Late at night when I was back at home she texted thanking me for taking her to the event and saying she had had a nice time.I suspect she might be experiencing trouble with her partner, which would partially explain her sudden interest in spending out-of-town time with me (I am, incidentally, the only heterosexual man in her small department at work). There is another related event out of town two weeks from now, and my colleague and I have registered to attend. Since this next event will be two days long, I told my colleague it might be more convenient for us to stay overnight at a hotel in the town where the seminar is being held. She agreed, and I agreed to find out about costs. The thing is that I am attracted to her, and I feel she might have been showing signs of interests toward me. So, the question is: would a fb suggestion to share one room with two single beds (initially, for the sake of money-saving) be too forward? I think it might be a test to see if she is really interested in a more intimate sort of contact.,2015:site.279213 Fri, 24 Apr 2015 22:38:48 -0800 Basque13 Can I send a condolence card under these circumstances? I just found out that a colleague of mine from a while ago died suddenly. I'd like to send a condolence card to her brother, but I'm not sure it's appropriate. Snowflakes inside. When I first started at my job around ten years ago, I made friends with a woman who I'll call Susan. We weren't really friends outside the office, but we got along really well and liked a lot of the same sightly offbeat things, would frequently sit in each other's offices chatting. I really liked her, and she helped me out a lot when I first started this job. However, she left very shortly after I started -- maybe three months or so. We said we'd try to keep in touch, but as so often happens, we didn't. <br> <br> The other day, I was reading something Susan had written for work, and I wondered what she was doing now, so I checked her out on the attorney registration database. To my shock, she was listed as "deceased." After some googling, I found that she had died back in 2010, aged perhaps 50 or 51. The death notice said she had several siblings, including a brother who's a doctor not far from here. <br> <br> I was shocked and sad to hear that she had died, and a bit surprised we hadn't heard, since the people in my workplace are fairly close knit and we tend to hear about deaths of anyone who worked here. <br> <br> I'd really like to send the brother a condolence card telling him how much I liked Susan and how sorry I was to hear that she had died, but I'm thinking it would be a bit weird. After all, she died five years ago and I wasn't close to her, not really. However, maybe it would be nice for her brother to hear that she had touched some people she maybe didn't even realize she had, and that someone who knew her had been thinking about her some years after she died. <br> <br> To add another wrinkle, the death notice said that Susan had died "suddenly," which can sometimes be code for a suicide. If that's so, I don't want to open up any wounds. (To be clear, I don't consider it any of my business at all how she died, and would not be writing to the brother to make some sort of subtle inquiry in that regard.)<br> <br> So, would it be ok under these circumstances to send a short note to Susan's brother? If so, what would be appropriate or inappropriate to include in the note?<br> <br> Thanks, everyone.,2015:site.278585 Sun, 12 Apr 2015 09:15:20 -0800 holborne Dreading the negative review I have been asked to write about coworker. I have to write an honest but negative review of a co-worker I have shared a room with for nearly five years. We are friendly and she considers me an ally in the office and she is going to feel betrayed and I feel terrible about it. I have shared a room with this woman at a small construction company for almost five years. We are not friends, exactly, though she has often invited me to things outside work (most of which I decline), and has come to gigs for my boyfriend's band. We are both women and very close in age, and she is a very nice person, with three kids, in a not very happy marriage. We talk about our personal lives and joke a lot and are mostly quite friendly. We have complained to each other about other employees, though often I will gently take the other person's side or err on the side of everyone getting along because it's a job and we're lucky to have one.<br> <br> I am not exactly her manager, but I am the office manager, so a lot of what she does is overseen by me. She is not doing well these days but doesn't seem to realize it, and I have been asked to write this honest review of her work. I am having a really hard time with this, particularly because we are friendly, and though I have tried to help her through some of her work issues, I prefer to avoid conflict so have not been blunt when perhaps I should have been.<br> <br> Many times I have tried to gently suggest ways in which she might improve her performance, but she is very defensive. As an example, I have asked her why she isn't tracking a large and complicated customer better, even offering to help set up a spreadsheet (in fact I have offered several times), but she says it would take too long - despite the fact that recently she has also said she doesn't have enough to do. She is part of the reason my workday is not pleasant recently, because she complains almost all day long. The owner and general manager have had several talks with her about how important it is to get a handle on accounts receivable, so this is not coming out of the blue.<br> <br> The company has grown quite a bit and she does not seem well-equipped to handle the increase in job complexity and more complex accounting. Her current role is supposed to be AR/collections but here it is 3 months since every other task was taken from her (and given to a new, younger woman who is doing them better than she did them - which also caused a lot of problems, though most of that has died down), and today in answer to a question about collections she said (as she has been for months), "I am not an AR person". And I basically asked, how long are you going to say that? I have been trying to help you with it, but the fact is you ARE the AR person and you should have more of it in hand by now. She said she is trying.<br> <br> She is very good on the phone but the new girl was hired to answer phones (and then started taking over some of her other tasks because we needed a full-time person on collections, and also because she wasn't doing those tasks very well. She felt very insulted by this but did not seem to understand she was not doing those tasks well). She felt only doing collections was a demotion, but her pay remains the same. She will take it very badly if asked to answer phones again, but the consensus is that phones are her strength.<br> <br> tldr; I have to provide an honest, mostly negative critique of a co-worker I have shared a room with for almost five years. I said I would like to have a serious and blunt talk with her, and give her 30 days to improve, but the problems have been ongoing, and I have been asked not to discuss this with her. I feel terrible about it even though I understand the necessity. She will have terribly hurt feelings and I hate the thought of upsetting someone or giving the appearance of ganging up on her.<br> <br> All suggestions welcome. I plan to add in as many positive things as I can but have been asked not to sugar coat anything.,2015:site.278439 Wed, 08 Apr 2015 15:04:02 -0800 Glinn I no longer want to be friends with my friend/co-worker. What to do? How should I handle a work relationship after having gone on a 7-day vacation where my friend and co-worker revealed herself to be selfish and inconsiderate? I just came back from a 7-day vacation with Maria, Tina and my husband. I work with Maria and Tina and had agreed to go on this trip as we are all friends at work. Before the trip, Tina and I had started becoming closer friends outside of work. <br> <br> We all stayed in the same house and after the first day, Tina revealed herself to be inconsiderate, selfish and manipulative, a real drag. Halfway through the trip I had to straight talk her on her shitty behaviour, after which things improved marginally. However, she continued to do more inconsiderate and selfish things, right up to the last hours of our vacation. I no longer want to be friends with her, however, I would still like to maintain a respectful working relationship. Has anyone gone through this, any advice on keeping things civil and functional despite my not liking this person anymore?,2015:site.277343 Mon, 16 Mar 2015 10:41:40 -0800 KathyK Is it unfair to tell my colleague I'm in love with her? I'm in love with my female colleague. We went on a date in 2014 and left it as friends. Now I'm thinking of finding a new job - should I tell her why or is this unfairly burdening someone else with my problem? Me: 34 year old man. Her: 33 year old woman. Both single after being in other long term relationships that each ended in the last half of 2014. We both work in a corporate environment in the US. We're great friends at work, have lunch and dinners together at work a lot (long hours) and attend lots of functions and corporate gigs together, and people have often commented and joked that we make a great couple. Our desks are about 10 yards away from each other. I've been here for 7 years, she's been here for 5 years.<br> <br> I couldn't stand it any longer so in November last year I asked her on a date, telling her I'd had a crush on her for many years. She was unsure but decided to give it a go, so we went out for dinner and a movie in early December. I loved it but at the end of the date she said she had trouble seeing us as more than friends.<br> <br> I thought I'd be OK with that and had a few weeks' vacation lined up anyway, so I went off on my vacation but thought about her constantly. Now that I'm back at work with her she's all I think about, and it's making me miserable. Nobody would know though... it's a huge charade of positivity on my part and although we still get along well, things are slightly awkward and we've never mentioned the date.<br> <br> Even though I've been with my employer for almost 7 years now, I'm thinking about leaving and finding a new job (in a new city?) because I don't know if I can continue just being friends. It's affecting my work and I know it'll negatively impact on potential future relationships (as it has on past relationships, unfortunately).<br> <br> My question is: is it unfair of me to tell her why I'm leaving? It'll undoubtedly come up. Is this the time for a white lie, just saying I found a new job? Is telling her that it's not just a crush - that I'm in love with her and that's why I have to leave - unfairly burdening her with my issues and making this her problem, or is it respectful and honest? Admittedly a part of my motivation for telling the truth is that it might win her over and I think that's manipulative. Would it be comforting to someone to know that someone out there does love them, even if it's not returned?,2015:site.274896 Fri, 23 Jan 2015 11:53:07 -0800 Anonymous What is he DOING in the bathroom? I work in a small office. The boss of our group works remotely but is in town occasionally. One of my (male) coworkers tends to go to the washroom 1-2 times a day for periods of 20-40 minutes, when our boss is not in town, but abstains from this behaviour when the boss is around. What could he be doing in the bathroom? Okay, so unless you're my coworker, you won't be able to definitively answer, but my other coworkers and I are mystified and would love it if you could shed some light on this for us. We figure sure, it could be a medical issue, but if it's something like Crohn's or IBS, wouldn't that be frequent, short(er) trips, not 1-2 long trips daily? And if it were a medical issue, why wouldn't he make his typical trips to the washroom while our boss is present? We don't believe he's smoking cigarettes in the washroom (he smokes, but unashamedly goes outdoors).<br> <br> There are also no real noises that we can hear while he's in there, even in our conference room which shares a wall with the washroom. He flushes, washes his hands and exits the room after being in there and there is the odour of air sanitizer when he leaves (which is not a big deal, we all prefer the smell of an air freshener to anything else)... but we cannot imagine the guy is pooping twice a day for up to 1h30m total, and doing it only when our boss isn't around.<br> <br> So whatever he's doing:<br> - is not noisy<br> - may or may not be smelly<br> - seems 100% within his control<br> <br> And it seems as though he's masking whatever he's doing with using the washroom to poop. And he might very well be using it for that purpose, but again, this seems very controllable.<br> <br> And yes, he is definitely in the washroom for the whole period of time. I've timed some of his trips.<br> <br> All my friends (who are, apparently, more worldly than I) think he's doing some kind of drug, either snorting or injecting, since air freshener isn't going to get rid of the smell of smoking something.<br> <br> One coworker today decided that he thinks the guy is, er, pleasuring himself.<br> <br> We considered the possibility that he's just chilling in the bathroom, entertaining himself with his phone but we have unfiltered internet access and no boss watching over our shoulders, so why wouldn't he just stay at his desk to do so?<br> <br> Maybe he's napping?<br> <br> Honestly, we're all increasingly confused as to his behaviour... but we're all too polite to ask. And even though it's a small office without an HR department, we don't feel comfortable questioning someone coming out of the washroom.<br> <br> Any possibilities come to mind? Any experiences from your perspective that match this behaviour? Would love any kind of ideas.,2015:site.274868 Thu, 22 Jan 2015 18:56:34 -0800 sockermas Competitive colleague trying to take my big project - help! A colleague of mine is fairly new to the organisation and wants to make a big splash. So far, however, although he talks a very good game his actual work has been a real letdown to those who have seen it. I, unfortunately, do not talk a good game (though I'm working on it). My work, however, is considered excellent. I'll call competitive colleague Jim. I was given a lead role on a new project by a manager who really believes in me but who has unfortunately just transferred to another department. The new manager doesn't know me or Jim very well at all - just via a couple of presentations I've given. However, Jim has so far gotten on her good side by inventing problems that don't exist and offering to solve them, and the new manager seems to be falling for this. Last week, I believe Jim went behind my back to express concerns about the project and question my leadership of it. So today in a big meeting, after I gave a status update, new boss said I can still lead on the project but she wants me to form a working group with several other members of the team and include Jim.<br> <br> I need to figure out what to do next. I highly suspect Jim wants to take my role as it's pretty prestigious and seen as a good step towards promotion. I, of course, want to keep my role and I know I can do it well. In fact several other members of the team and of management have complimented me on my work this far. I know one of the things I need to do is give new boss more visibility of this project, so I'm planning to ask her to grab a coffee with me so I can go over my work plan and how I've set everything up so far.<br> <br> In terms of the working group, I can try to either:<br> <br> 1. Give Jim a clearly defined role which hopefully he can't mess up too badly, try to keep him in his place as best I can, and count on the fact that new boss will catch on to his incompetence soon enough<br> <br> 2. Set up a working group that doesn't include Jim and try to explain to boss that I'd rather not have him on the group because he's relatively new and I don't have time to get him up to speed (unless there's a better reason/excuse I can give?).<br> <br> I'm leaning towards option 1, as 2 could get me branded as a troublemaker and not a team player? And Jim has already screwed up another project in another department so perhaps it's just a matter of time? New boss unfortunately doesn't know about this other project and really seems to like Jim. But if I take option 1, how do I manage him? I've thought about actually coming out and telling him that we will both look better if we cooperate rather than compete. Is this a good idea? Any script or phrases I can use? <br> <br> Jim is an aggressive, smith-talking man, I'm a soft-spoken female, and we're in a male dominated workforce.,2015:site.274669 Mon, 19 Jan 2015 10:49:34 -0800 hazyjane Romantic Triple Threat! How to move forward? I’ve fallen for my coworker-friend-roommate I’ve known for a year-and-a-half, and I need advice on how to escalate without it all blowing up in my face. We've roomed together (just the two of us) for six weeks, but I've been away for half that time. Also, we get along well and flirt occasionally, but I’m the worst at reading signs. What are some the categories of people with whom it is suggested not to pursue a relationship? I’m sure if you made a list, these three would be near the top: coworkers, friends, and roommates. Well I’ve gone and fallen hard for a girl who is part of all three, and I need to crowdsource some advice going forward. First, a little background.<br> <br> She had been working at our current organization for about a year before I arrived. When I first met her there, I didn’t think much of her; friendly, kinda cute--more in demeanor than looks--(our work clothes are very unflattering on women, and she doesn’t make herself up for work), but otherwise not really on my radar. We worked together on and off, and got along fine, but then I was “out of the office,” so to speak, for a few months. I returned to the start of an extremely busy year (this past one), and we were required to work in close proximity for hours on end.<br> <br> This is when we became friends. I started to see her in a different light, and came to admire her selflessness, work ethic, and knowledge of the job. We found we were similar in temperament, and we made a stellar team on the job. This was also the first time I saw her out of work clothes and realized just how unflattering they were. I was already becoming attracted to her, so this made the slope even slipperier. We spent some time together outside of work (always with others), and had many a deep conversation about one thing or another. There was some mild flirting going on, but I’m horrible at reading girls’ signs (I’ve been practically hit with flying vaginas before and didn’t understand what was going on). This was around the time when our coworkers began joking about the two of us being a couple. I was game to pursue, but our working situation at the time made it a tricky proposition.<br> <br> By the last part of the year, we both were looking for new residences. She toyed with the idea of us being roommates, but mainly because she was considering moving in with a couple people she didn’t really want to room with, and she wanted me as a fourth as to not make it weird. I didn’t agree for many reasons, and told her there were always other options if the living situation didn’t feel right, and to keep looking. Meanwhile, I continued my own apartment search; one bed, one bath, bachelor pad-type. Us being roommates came up again, though, first through my coworkers who asked if I had been considering rooming with this ladyperson, then again from her herself, when she said there was a place I should look at. She sent me the details and asked once more. I was reluctant, and you can imagine why, but the upsides (cost, proximity, furnishing, surety, you name it) were so great that I agreed, despite the almost solid guarantee of shooting myself in the foot.<br> <br> We’ve been at this place for about six weeks, and half of that time I’ve been out of the area. We’ve hung out once, with coworkers, since moving in, but we carpool regularly. There is still the mild flirting, more so at work than at home (where I feel like she avoids me somewhat). I also feel tension when we’re both at the apartment, but I can’t tell if that’s all on my end or what. I’m crazy about this girl, and would love to move forward, but this is like manually re-entering the atmosphere in a space shuttle; if my approach is just a little off, I’ll either burn to a crisp or get reflected into space, never to return again. My coworkers who have spoken with her in depth on dating and whatnot tell me she fears being trapped in a relationship (I don’t think she’s dated anyone since coming to this organization), and you can imagine how confining the possibility of a romantic relationship with a coworker-friend-roommate must seem. There, of course, is always the option of giving up on her, but if my ancestors had that mentality, I wouldn’t be here today. She's leaving the company by the end of next year, and I would feel terrible for the rest of my life if I didn't make my feelings clear before then, regardless of her reaction. But how do I do this without causing a catastrophe?,2014:site.273632 Sun, 28 Dec 2014 20:30:22 -0800 Nunipaht How do I deal with a co-worker making harmful allegations at new job? I am starting a new job tomorrow with a former co-worker with whom I have had a tumultuous past with. She has approached management and stated that she feels uncomfortable and unsafe working with me. What course of action do I take and what should I expect? Tomorrow is the first day of training for a new restaurant opening. I am 30M and the co-worker is a 24F and we were simply friends and not involved in any sort of relationship during our time working as servers. Her and I were close friends at our former restaurant job, and then the friendship fell apart and culminated with a drunken argument that led to her assaulting me by punching, kicking, and finally attacking me with a traffic cone. Mean things were said on both sides to lead to this. I filed no police report and we continued to work together at the restaurant for about 4 months without incident. The incident was never reported to HR and we remained cordial at work. Fast forward to us both leaving the job and reconciling. She tells me that she is going to work at a new restaurant. I look into the restaurant and thought it would be a good fit for me. Knowing our history, I asked permission to apply there and she said "DO IT." We both interview, give each other glowing reviews based on our past work experience and both get hired. One week later, the friendship deteriorates again, with her embarrassing and lying to me by ditching a different job interview I had helped her get. We argue and I text her that she is a sociopath, compulsive liar and other attacks on her character. She responds with F*** you, etc. I get a call today from management asking about our past history. I state that we had ups and downs and that nothing will prevent us from working concurrently and it will certainly not cause issues at work. She told the management that she feels unsafe and uncomfortable around me. Day 1 is tomorrow and I assume they will be asking further questions. While I realize it was probably a mistake choosing to work with someone with whom I have had issues with in the past, neither of us are perfect and I fully admit it may have been a bad decision. After reading the restaurant policies, I feel as if they would have no right to fire me, since this is a he-said, she-said situation, and I realize you're only hearing my story, but I want to know how to best prepare for what may happen. I honestly feel like they may let both of us go, as no new business wants to deal with such drama on Day 1. I have never harmed, threatened, or even called this woman an insulting name, despite the chaos that has surrounded us. Askme, please suggest what the best course of action is and what stance the management may take. For the record, we both have no intentions of quitting the job, but she has stated to our mutual friends that she will do whatever it is in her power to ensure that I don't work there. Thanks in advance, and I will be around to answer any follow up questions you may have,,2014:site.270586 Sun, 26 Oct 2014 19:32:31 -0800 AMWKE1984 How to not let negative coworker get me down? I work in the same department as a very good friend of mine, we'll call him Tom. Tom hates his job and is very vocal about it all the time. I don't know how to deal with this. For example, today I asked Tom how he was. The answer was, "I would rather be dead than work here." Exchanges like this are a daily occurrence. I understand why Tom hates his job, but he doesn't do anything to try to make it better. When asked why not, he comes up with some tenuous excuse as to why he can't do such-and-such thing to improve the work environment. He's made it very clear that he won't take any action that might make things better. In fact, in the past when I have tried to make suggestions, he's flat-out become angry at me.<br> <br> <strong><em>This is NOT a question about how I can help Tom</em></strong>. I have already gone out of my way to help lighten Tom's workload and do other things to help based on his complaints, but the negativity persists. My question is what techniques or resources can I use to keep this behavior from affecting me when I will have to continue to deal with it for the foreseeable future? <br> <br> Oh, and to stem off the "Why on earth hasn't Tom gotten fired yet for this behavior?", Tom is never going to get fired. He is one of the smartest and most knowledgeable people on the team and has a good relationship with our mutual boss. Please assume that this situation is going to continue indefinitely.,2014:site.269137 Sat, 27 Sep 2014 09:30:51 -0800 Anonymous Sticky Work Situation - Worth Bringing Up? I'm in a sticky work situation. My account manager, who I'm partnered with, is pretty great overall - tries to be understanding, gives me enough rope to succeed but enough support to perform, even spends extra hours with me for development. But we're all in our early to mid-twenties, which can be kind of a rough age. One of our other account managers is pretty blunt, quite potty-mouthed, abrasive with terrible delivery. For example, she will regularly say people "shit the bed" "absolutely fucking suck" "is a sack of shit" as a reason not to work with them. This is honestly sickening, upsetting, and anxiety-provoking for me. I've told my account manager, A that I have a hard time working with this person, let's call her B that she upsets me with her delivery. He understands. The only problem? B sits in our office. I have to interact with B everyday. She's also very good friends with A - they go to the gym together, joke around, make potty-mouthed jokes together. It's kind of funny.<br> <br> Until it starts getting anxiety provoking.<br> Almost every conversation I have with A in our morning meeting, B butts right in. "You know what I would do, rhythm_queen? I would tell him to go suck a bag of nuts."<br> <br> Today I was speaking to B, and I asked her about someone I was working with, as she'd worked with this individual in the past. It's common to ask each other for opinions on potential clients. She immediately insulted the individual, calling him a loser. This really bothered me. I pressed for details. She really waffled but came up with the excuse that he's annoying, then said she personally wouldn't work with him. I told her I'd take her feedback into account, but that it wasn't enough details for me.<br> <br> Then, A came over as I walked to my desk and asked me "What's wrong?" ...the thing is, he often asks me "What's wrong?" when I've not displayed any displeasure/pain. He says I make weird expressions or I seem upset. I am often stressed and tired at work, yes, but it's pretty stressful to have him keep asking me.<br> <br> I explained to him that I don't like people being insulted the way they are, and how negative that other account manager, B is. He said "Wait til you have a client backstab you, then you'll understand, but I get it. I understand" and that he thinks I should still continue to work with the client. He'd meet and approve him (a normal business function)<br> <br> He is defensive of B and I can't work with her anymore. There are members of higher authority I can speak to. How do I approach this with my boss, A? We have a very close schedule, meeting twice a day for at least 15 minutes at a time to discuss my goals and my results. However, we're not close. I have very little credibility in this workplace. I want to be able to stand up for my personal business habits and not have her butt in. I just don't want to make waves while doing it... She's been here for a few years, me a few months. She is aggressive and could definitely overpower me in front of our senior team.<br> <br> How do I handle this? My boss A is too friendly with B. B is kind of toxic to be around. While I can and will work with her occasionally, and can totally be friendly with her, I want to move offices. Or at least have someone speak to her about her delivery. Can I go speak to some senior members of office? What would you do?<br> <br> Btw, in my last question many sussed out that my company is definitely a churn and burn corporate machine with 4 too many HR violations. But it's also a really fun place to work. I have an overall very supportive team, apart from B, and I'm doing quite well. I've also been making good money - the compensation is fair and commission is motivating - I definitely want to stay for a while.<br> <br> Thanks so much.,2014:site.268154 Mon, 08 Sep 2014 19:58:51 -0800 rhythm_queen Should we pay friends to babysit? Mrs. Zooropa and I have a 17-month old, and are finally having a date night tomorrow night. We are new to the area, and have few friends and no family nearby. A co-worker of mine and his wife have agreed to babysit for us. Here's our quandary: do we pay them? We don't know Mr. and Mrs. Babysitter extraordinarily well, but we have been with them in a social situation and knew they're good people. We are all roughly the same age (mid and late 30s). We want to be better friends with them going forward, so we don't want this to be awkward. That's why we haven't just asked them directly. <br> <br> So what do we do? <br> <br> A. Pay them like we would any other babysitter. <br> <br> B. Get them a gift card for a night out at a local restaurant. <br> <br> C. Do nothing. <br> <br> We do plan to leave them some money to get takeout or something delivered for dinner. And of course, we will have snacks on hand. But we don't know if we are supposed to pay them money or not. We don't want to offend, either, as we would like to be better friends going forward (and I work with the husband on a daily basis).<br> <br> Thoughts?,2014:site.265377 Fri, 18 Jul 2014 20:56:29 -0800 zooropa Are we talking or are you trying to give me an eskimo kiss? I have a co-worker that is a close-talker and it makes me uncomfortable. We are becoming good friends and I enjoy talking with with her, but if we are face to face I find myself having to back away. If I am sitting at my desk, sometimes she will come behind my desk and stand right next to me while I am sitting in my chair and lean in so that we are face to face. I need some advice on how to non-nonchalantly ask her to not close-talk or at least give me a little bit of space. She is great and I do not want to hurt her feelings so I want to let her know casually if possible. Background if it matters...Im a guy. She is not hitting on me and does not like me (I know because I have seen her do the same to others and she has a long term boyfriend).,2014:site.265237 Wed, 16 Jul 2014 12:24:32 -0800 frednorton The Quiet Man and Knocky Guy at My Office Short version: new coworker stands in my doorway not saying a word while I am at my computer until I notice him and another coworker bangs on doorway while barging in. Can I do anything about these two? A new coworker, different department than me, regularly comes to my office and stands in the doorway. With the way my monitor and computer is set up, looking away so the doorway is at my 7 oclock, he may stand there for a second or it may be a minute or two before I notice him - actually I usually have no idea how long he's there until I get that tingly sense something is not right. It's feels creepy and rude to me. If he's waiting for me to finish what I'm doing and not interrupt, how would he ever know when I'm finished (I have to spend a lot of time looking at the screen). Why not say "Hey, if you're not busy I have a question.", knock, or cough or do something? Do I need to tell him to knock it off or rearrange my office furniture?...<br> <br> Another coworker does the opposite. He raps the door loudly without saying hello while walking in and rummaging through shelves or drawers getting a tool or CD. He does this throughout the day and I know he's just checking to see what I am doing. It's (perhaps) more aggravating than Quiet Guy but for some reason I am so used to it now I tend to ignore him, but it still gets to me. He doesn't walk into other coworkers offices this way. He will occasionally walk by the office without stopping in so I know he's checking on me (I'm at the dead-end of a hallway - there is nowhere else to go).<br> <br> I of course have a door I can close but it's a heavy, solid wood door, that's very noisy when it's closed, and 99% of the staff here don't shut their doors, so I don't really want to go that route. The rest of the staff, <em>even my boss</em>, knock and wait outside (or some variation), until I greet them. These two though...they are something else.<br> <br> I know that no office environment is perfect but this stuff gets old and is distracting for me when I'm trying to focus on my job. Any suggestions!? <small>(I have no idea what category to put this question in)...</small>,2014:site.264798 Tue, 08 Jul 2014 06:17:53 -0800 bellastarr Social Media Protocol: Unfriending a Coworker Edition What's the protocol for blocking/unfriending a coworker if you still want to be friends with almost all your other coworkers on Facebook? I helped a friend/classmate from college get hired at my place of work last year. Very quickly after, I was promoted to a leadership position that she wants and suddenly hated me for getting. She is now actively trying to get me fired so she can take my job. (!!)<br> <br> In light of this behavior on her part, my managers and I held a meeting to address her "concerns" today and I committed (authentically, too) to being a better coworker despite the fact that all but one of the things she said I've been doing are untrue. She did not agree to treat me with respect (something my managers are not doing anything about because they believe "she is just young and will learn to do better in time"), so clearly, this is a south-going situation and if I could I'd just up and quit but for right now I've gotta stay put.<br> <br> Given social media norms, how far do I need to do in order to block this person from my life? Can I JUST block her, or do I need to disengage from all my other coworkers too?<br> <br> <small>(She is 22. I am 26. Yes, I recognize how juvenile this all sounds. My work situation is so unbelievably through the looking glass now that it's honestly par for the course. Help.)</small>,2014:site.263315 Mon, 09 Jun 2014 20:25:42 -0800 Hermione Granger Beyond Flowers I work with a woman whose adult son passed away a little over a year ago. My mom also passed away 2.5 years ago, and we really connected over our losses. Last year for Mother's Day I sent my co-worker some standard flowers. This year I'd like to do something different, but need ideas. I'm not opposed to ordering flowers again, but I thought it would be nice to give her something more original this year. It's her second Mother's Day without her son and my third Mother's Day without my mom, but I find that "having" to shop for a gift really brings me joy. I'm willing to spend about $75. I don't know a ton about my co-worker, but I do know that she lives alone, has 2 small dogs, and enjoys the beach. She also really likes astronomy, and she recently showed me an app on her phone that shows you what constellations are present depending on where in the sky you're looking. She said she had once given her son a similar toy when he was small, so the app reminded her of a good memory of him. Maybe something to do with astronomy, then?<br> <br> Does anyone have any suggestions on a meaningful Mother's Day gift, or do you think I should just stick with flowers?,2014:site.261017 Mon, 28 Apr 2014 08:17:49 -0800 thank you silence