Apparently we should tone down the excitement about Christmas because DSD won't be here on Christmas morning (having loads of fun at her mum's)

(97 Posts)
needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:02:07

So on Christmas morning DSD will be at her mum's this year. Apparently we should hide our excitement for the boys' because their sister won't be here until the evening.

I put a thread on here a couple of weeks ago a out how BIL asked if we were going to wait until DSD gets here in the evening for the boys to open their Christmas presents. I thought this was ridiculous as DSD will be having fun at her mum's opening presents and experiencing the magic of Christmas whilst the boys sit here on their hands waiting for her grand arrival.

Since then I have been talking about how excited I am to see their faces on Christmas morning and its going to be so special seeing them together. Every time I mention it though the in laws throw something negative at me. "Oh it's a shame DsD won't be there though". "You cant possibly enjoy it fully as there'll be a person missing.", "Don't show your excitement in front of DsD or she'll be upset you're starting without her."

I could absolutely throttle them sometimes!! It's not my boys' fault that their sister won't be here every year! I told MIL that I still need to make it magical and exciting for the boys and can't pretend Christmas isn't happening.


Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 11:06:53

How utterly ridiculous. Maybe just you should cancel Christmas altogether, just to be on the safe side??

But seriously, why should your boys miss out on a normal Christmas morning?

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:14:07

It's an absolute joke! Of course it would be nice to have DSD here opening her presents with her brothers, that's out of mine and the boys' control and we can't pretend Christmas isn't happening until tea time.

It's really getting me down. When I got with a man with a child I didn't realise SHIT like this would come up! That my future children can't possibly have a normal Christmas. sad

stepmooster Wed 04-Dec-13 11:14:16

needaholidaynow Let me pour you a brew. My in-laws guilt complex really does my head in too.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:23:25

Oooh Thankyou. Might need something a bit stronger by tea time though if they carry on!

Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 11:31:58

There are many reasons why DH and I haven't had a child together - but I just know that if we had, DSS would have always been Número Uno, and any subsequent child would have had to fit around him, rather than any 'blending' taking place.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 12:11:04

It's sad isn't it Petal? All I want is for my children to just enjoy Christmas, without any of us feeling guilty if DSD is seeing other family members. It's not just Christmas either. When DSD was away on holiday with the in laws, we took the boys away to caravan for a couple of days to get away. Good job we didn't tell a soul about that or there would have been uproar!

And it's the relationship with the children as well. As you say DSS would always be number one, well DSD is Number one as well. Everything should revolve around DSD, life shouldn't go on when she isn't here, no blending should take place and we should go down the pecking order according to who was born first hmm

God help them if I had a child from a previous relationship in the family!

elliebellys Wed 04-Dec-13 12:24:34

Take no notice,i know its hard,what theyr,e suggestin is utter nonsense.enjoy your xmas with the boys .

Have you asked them directly why it is fair for your boys to have to wait until the day is three-quarters over before they can enjoy their christmas? Are they saying that your boys don't deserve to have any christmas fun?

I would be confronting them directly about this nonsense - but then it is easy for me to say that, I do realise - I am not in the situation.

I think you are doing the right thing by giving your boys all the fun and magic that you can - they deserve nothing less, and you are not doing it to make your dsd feel bad.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Wed 04-Dec-13 13:16:15

Ignore them op and don't let them spoil it for you and your boys. Jeez anyone would think the world revolved around your dsd the way they are going on.
Christmas is for everyone to enjoy so they can get stuffed! wink

Thegreatunslept Wed 04-Dec-13 13:32:59

What nonsense!!
My dsd won't be with us until Boxing Day, we never have her on Christmas Day. I have already put my foot down when dsil suggested putting Christmas on hold til Boxing Day I just laughed and said it's not as if dsd will be at her mums on her own with no presents so why should we do the same!
My ds is only 6 months so won't understand this year but I don't want him growing up thinking we have to wait for dsd to be here to do nice/fun things.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 13:38:10

Thanks everyone smile I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking my in laws are completely in the wrong!

I haven't said anything to them because my DP doesn't want me to. I want to have it out with them for the sake of my children. I want to stick up for them. But DP is a wuss and just wants to "keep the peace". I've had enough of keeping the peace all year, but they've stopped to a new low this time.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 13:47:24

Thegreatunslept I don't blame you for saying no to your SIL! Like you say, you don't want your DS to grow up knowing that he can only cellar fun at Christmas (and fun in general!) when your DSD is there. What kind of message will that send out to him?

My DS1 is really understanding it this year. He's almost 3 and everything is just magical to him. He loves the Christmas tree; first thing he says to me when he wakes up in the morning is that he wants to see our Christmas tree. He's excited about Santa coming, and wants it to snow and can't wait for Santa to put the presents under the tree for him! I keep telling him what happens at Christmas, and he's just so excited. It makes me so happy!

Why should I stop DS1 being excited? As he gets older he will know that it's Christmas in the morning and if he's told that he can't open his presents until his sister arrives, knowing full well she will opening presents anyway, I wouldn't blame him if it just filled him up with resentment.

Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:37:32

god help if I had a child from a previous relationship

Ah, I've often thought that too! I don't think DH could have had a lasting relationship with a lady who brought her own children into the mix, as it might have meant DSS doing some blending/compromising!

Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:44:31

needaholdaynow I'd love to be at your house on Christmas morning, seeing DS1's face as he sees the tree and his presents. It's a lovely pink fuzzy thought smile

Loveineveryspoonful Wed 04-Dec-13 15:24:02

Needaholiday, tbtG my ds 15 is perfect! Perfect stepchild, that it...
He's always been one to shun the spotlight, and as dsc 13 and 16 thrive in constant limelight there is little animosity between them.
Re Xmas, we all celebrate on the 23rd, when all the kids are together and they are forced to open all their presents from us a day early... Its hard on them wink but they are happy to make this sacrifice so their mum and her family have them every year for all the important dates!
Even dss birthday, this year in dads week (he stays with us 50:50) means he goes to hers for the evening... I used to get angry on dh behalf. Now that I realize his dc don't really give a fig anyway about the celebrations and just want "stuff", I let it go.
Ds, dh and I then celebrate "old style traditional" with my dsis (my parents have sadly both passed away) who, due to chronic condition, would only be with carers. It's not glamorous, but its family and (sob) I'm pathetically sentimental about that (and feel unbelievably blessed that ds has such a warm heart).
Btw, how does dsd feel about this? Is she generous enough to wish you and your boys well and to have a lovely Xmas, or does she express the wish herself you all hold your breath until she arrives? If it's the latter I'd be worried your inlaws have already instilled an unseemly sense of entitlement...

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 16:16:41

TBH I don't think DSD is bothered. She's excited about being at her mum's and then coming here. As long as there's presents wherever she is that's all she's bothered about. If she is bothered at all or upset then I do blame the in laws for drilling that sense of entitlement in to her.

It's just the in laws being miserable twats really.

AddictedtoGreys Wed 04-Dec-13 19:53:04

my DH said once that its not really Christmas on Christmas day as my DSD won't be here, and boxing day is the real Christmas shock

I promptly told him that although I understand that its not easy for him to be away from his DD, Christmas is Christmas, and neither our DS or I will be missing out on Christmas day, just as his DSD won't be refusing to open any presents at her mums on Christmas morning!

he now agrees that we don't just have 1 christmas on boxing day, we have 2 Christmas days, 1 with DS, and 1 with DS and DSD. just like other posters I don't want DS (or DSD) thinking our lives stop when DSD isn't here.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 20:10:05

Wow I bet it's even worse hearing our DP say it! I'd be not only angry but very very upset if my DP actually thought Christmas wasn't special with his other children if one of them wasn't there. I know it's probably hard not to see one of your children at Christmas, but what people need to remember is that the circumstances surrounding siblings parents not being together is not their fault and these children from "second families" deserve to enjoy Christmas without any of that rubbish hanging over their heads. They get it enough the ready of the year!

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 20:10:57

thhe rest of the year!

theredhen Wed 04-Dec-13 20:44:24

What really annoys me with all this is that the step kids are enjoying THEIR Xmas day but the other kids aren't allowed to. hmm

Yes the absent parent might feel a bit sad and miss their other kids but the fact that they know they're happy and enjoying their Xmas should count for something and should help them up focus on ensuring the remaining kids also enjoy their Xmas too.

I think it's pure selfishness on the part of these moaning relatives. Because THEY want to spend time with the step kids, they have decided that everyone else should feel as they do.

Eliza22 Thu 05-Dec-13 08:18:51

This is ludicrous. It is your children's Christmas. Excitement goes with the territory. Ignore this petty adult projection of their "shoulds & should nots". It has NOTHING to do with them.

same as everyone else has said everyone in this house knows they all do different things and no-one sits at home waiting for the others to return. we be e Christmas day with just ds this year then Christmas day night we do it all again. no-one misses out and if be fuming if someone suggested they should. I keep some presents for ds for boxing day on these years but we don't do much else different

holidaysarenice Thu 05-Dec-13 08:32:38

'Utter nonsense' and laugh hard every time they say it.

'Also, do you want ur dinner at 8pm then??' And an affected head tilt!!

Alanna1 Thu 05-Dec-13 08:38:31

Can't there be a compromise? We let the kids open a few presents each then wait for our little half sister to come round. The kids understand that she has a different mum and dad who don't live together. We do fun stuff whilst waiting.

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