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Even unwarranted guilt may affect your sex life

Q: I am widowed and used to have a great sex life with my late husband, with multiple orgasms during intercourse. That was before he became very sick a few years ago. Now I've met this great guy and we are very much in love, but I don't seem to be able to reach orgasm during intercourse — only in certain positions with him manually pleasing me. Is it the age, and not having had sex for a few years? I am so frustrated that I don't seem to be able to get this great feeling back. Am I psychologically blocked?

A: You've mentioned age, which could be a factor. It also might be a psychological block caused by guilt — in other words, even though your husband has passed away and you have nothing to feel guilty about, subconsciously you are feeling guilty, and that is preventing you from fully enjoying sex as you once did. And perhaps this new man's penis doesn't fit you exactly the way your husband's did.

Perhaps, over time, this ability may return to you. But as long as he can give you orgasms, don't become too frustrated, and just learn to appreciate every aspect of the relationship.

Q: I'm 45. My husband is 70. We have been together for more than 20 years. Our sex life used to be great. But for the past year I've felt like I could get as much pleasure just playing Scrabble! I don't feel sexy, and my desire has gone from 60 miles an hour to zero.

I feel embarrassed talking about sexual fantasies with him and shy in the bedroom. I never felt like that before. I saw my doctor, and physically everything is good. I feel so sad because I don't have that passionate desire anymore. What can I do?

A: There could be lots of reasons for this, and given how little you've told me about the situation, I certainly can't say for sure. But if I had to guess, I would say you two are having a relationship problem of some sort. Your resentment of him, probably for something that has nothing to do with sex, is causing you to lose your desire.

If the two of you can't talk it out on your own, then see a marital counselor. As I said, it could be something else entirely, but that's my best guess.

Q: My husband trains fighters, mainly men, but recently a young woman of 20 has been training. I feel it is not right for him, at 55 years old — and not a typical 55, but very virile and active — to be wrestling with her. It bothers me. Can you try to explain why I shouldn't feel this way?

A: I can't tell you not to have certain feelings. I can tell you that if those feelings are inappropriate, you should squelch them when they arise so that they don't spoil your relationship with your husband.

Now, if something is actually going on between your husband and this young woman, that's another story. But if training her is part of his job and he tells you that there is nothing going on and you have no other evidence, then you have to put these feelings of jealousy in their proper place. Again, they might arise when you think about it, but at that point you either can allow yourself to get more and more jealous, which is going to interfere with your relationship with your husband, or you can force yourself to push such thoughts aside. I would advise you to do the latter.

Q: My husband had a stroke more than 10 years ago, and we never have sex anymore. I'm 53 years old, and lately I've been watching porn and masturbating, but I always feel guilty about it, like I'm doing something sinful. I just want to know if what I'm doing is considered depraved behavior.

A: I certainly wouldn't call it depraved, but rather perfectly natural. But without telling you that you're doing anything wrong by masturbating, or by using porn to become aroused, I must ask whether you and your husband have done all you can in regard to repairing your sex life together.

Have you talked about it? Have you talked to his doctor? Sometimes either the patient or the spouse doesn't feel like engaging in sex, fearing that it might cause another stroke, so if the doctor gives the all-clear, then perhaps they can jump-start their sex life.

So while I don't want you to feel sexually frustrated, and I therefore applaud you for masturbating, I do hope that you've exhausted all means of trying to get your sex life with your husband active again, even if only occasionally.



Copyright © 2014, Orlando Sentinel
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