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“No crime is vulgar, but all vulgarity is a crime. Vulgarity is the conduct of others”
~ Oscar Wilde on crime


This dog is the reason your iPod was stolen

Crime, or crime (as opposed to Crime) is an invention of hard-boiled canine spokesanimal McGruff. Crime is abhorred by most, except for those who commit it. Even then, some who commit crime struggle mightily with moral implications and violence inherent the crime lifestyle, or crime-style and agonize over whether or not they should make one last big score and leave crime on their own terms. Indeed, some do, while others almost do, as explained in the historical docu-drama-mentary Carlito's Way, which contains some harsh language and adult situations. And crime. Lots of crime.

Man Found Bumming Rodent To Death

A young man of around 9 to 11 years old was found with a 3ft rat on the end of his penis. It turns out that he had entered the rat from the rear and exited it through the mouth. His idea was to burn it over a fire like a spit roast, just like what he had seen on his favourite Disney cartoon, The Man Who Bums Rats. When he was queried about such abuse of the young pet of his, his only reply was, rat likes bum bum. Shocking results have shown that over 56% of children this age has tried this practice from the comfort of their own homes. Even worse, when checking the boy's internet browser, the results of serious animal molestation and having to suffer severe sexual abuse, which has left them physically and mentally scarred. Is this just an innocent act of a boy exploring his sexuality or a real case of Broken Britain? You Decide.

Dogs Don't Know it's Not Crime

Destitute, ridden with worms and in need of a boost to his sagging career as a private detective, Spencer T. McGruff urged others to "take a bite out of crime." Others were stunned by his suggestion that they attempt to eat an abstract concept, and woe and despair spread across the world before cooler heads prevailed.

Cooler heads still misinterpreted the private dick's message. Instead of taking a bite out of it, crime was left largely unbitten. Thus, unbitten crime spread like wildfire and took over most of the world, prompting McGruff to seek exile in Canada and retire in shame. More shame was to follow when his only possession in the world, his world-worn trench coat, was stolen by crime. McGruff himself narrowly escaped committing crime (indecent exposure) after the theft of his trench coat when police realized that dogs generally do not wear clothing.

Before You Say Another Word, Can You Just Think of Crime's Feelings For a Moment?


You know someone's a twisted bastard when they touch notepads.

There is a great deal to say about crime, because it cannot be described simply by saying, "well, it sure is bad." No, no. Crime requires definitions, analysis, and debate. For instance, crime should even be found explained in some detail in an encyclopedia. Unfortunately for you, this is Uncyclopedia, and - at best - you're going to leave knowing less about crime than when you first arrived.

The Lingo of Crime

Those who commit crimes are known as criminists or criminologists if they attain a degree in crime. Most major universities now offer undergraduate courses for the aspiring criminologists, although most prefer to be called doctors. A few colleges offer postgraduate ones (the professors keep getting fired for embezzlement and fraud).

Those who attempt to detain criminists are called pigs and those who prosecute them are bloodsuckers. The Man is generally accepted to be both the cause and bane of criminists around the world.

Crime should not be confused with grime, which doesn't pay, time, which is referred to erroneously as the fourth dimension, or Crime, which is something entirely different altogether.

Getting Back to my Crimy Roots

The etomylogical root of crime is from the Latin criminus, which then became criminy in French before morphing into crumulent in Middle English. It briefly became creamery before settling back to the more familiar kryme by the late 19th Century. The current spelling is attributed to Noah Webster's notorious hatred for the letters k and y, replacing them in kryme with his cronies c and i.

Types of Crime

There is only one type of crime, almost too many to list. Fortunately, all crime is directly related to taking something that does not belong to the taker, which may also be known as stealing, nicking, pinching or purloining. Crime, oddly enough, tends to be a class-related thing, so, for the benefits of using multiple commas, there are two main groupings, which are, in alphabetical order, blue-collar and white-collar crime.

Blue-Collar Crime

  • Murder: One could say murder is the act of stealing someone's life. The problem with this is that a stolen life cannot be re-packaged and sold, bringing little financial benefit to the criminist. Further compounding the problem with murder is that the stolen life cannot be returned, Unless you're level 28 and you can do the revive spell. But you are not level 28 so thats out of the question. Murder is one of the criminist's modus operandi, though it is seldom seen in criminologists. Jail sentences for murder can be quite stiff or not so bad, depending on whether or not you meant to steal someone's life. If you meant to borrow it, but misplaced someone's life, say in your house, cause you know you left it right on the counter where you left your car keys, then the sentence goes to the maid who probably moved it when she came to clean the house last Tuesday.
  • Stealing: NOTICE: Please return definition if sighted. Current owner of this definition is subject to criminal charges!

(note from thief) MuahahahahahahahahahahaHA! I will not, unless you leave $20,000,000,000,000 in a brown paper bag at the end of the runway at JFK International Airport on 9/11/10! Thank you.

  • Karaoke: Karaoke is the act of stealing someone's happiness through inappropriate, drunken singing. Those who commit karaoke rarely face prosecution, though heckling is frequent and usually warranted, especially those that choose to sing either I Will Survive or Big Bad John. Since 1999, capital punishment has been banned as a sentence for committing "Karaoke", as the last man to be executed for the crime was Dave Johnson from the marketing department who gave a horrible rendition of "Its My Life" at the company Christmas Party last year
  • Photography: Photography is the act of stealing someone's soul. Although photography will not typically steal an entire soul in only a few attempts, repeated exposure to photography will eventually drain the living essence from someone. This crime is impossible to prosecute, though its effects can easily be seen in Hollywood celebrities such as Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Harriet Miers.
  • ACT Score Deletion: A rare and heinous crime practiced by primitive people, ACT Score Deletion is not a victimless crime as some purport it to be. This cruel type of predation causes innocent people to be inprisoned for years on end. The horror of this affront to all civilized people is beyond description. Many deletion victims are known to say upon their release: "Don't mess with my case, you!"
  • Clown rape - Dressing up as a clown and commiting rape on inocent passers-by. One could say that this crime is sick... One could also say that it is fucking hilarious. This type of crime is most commonly commited during the Easter holiday

White-Collar Crime

  • Hypothetical wealth creation: Saying "I have a million dollars!" to a friend is one thing. But when you say "I have a million billion dollars in profit!" to a bunch of "shareholders" who "own" portions of a company you run (and you actually sort of don't really have any money at all), you are guilty of the crime of hypothetical wealth creation.
  • I Can't Believe it's Not Murder: Ex-wife pissing you off? New girlfriend not seeing eye-to-eye with you? Are you tired of your current wife? Well, if you're a celebrity, a wide range of murderous options are available to you. ICBINM allows you to outsource the murder or commit it yourself, and then hire a good lawyer to back your ludicrous alibi in court! See also: O.J. Simpson, Robert Blake, Phil Spector.

Are You A Victim of Crime?

If you find yourself a victim of crime, follow these steps as quickly as possible:

  1. Wash your hands with soap and water.
  2. Drink a glass of milk.
  3. Ponder what your life would be like if you were a Japanese schoolgirl.
  4. Write a letter to your Congressman about the crime.
  5. Wait.
  6. Have some more milk.
  7. Have your neighbors move to China.
  8. Drink coke
  9. Take a lot of Mantos
  10. Kiss your mother on the lips of her ({})

Famous Criminists

Some famous criminists throughout the ages are:

  • John Wilkes Boothy, who was famous for setting the world record for Most Times Assassinating Abraham Lincoln (beating out everybody else ever by a wide margin of 3).
  • Slim Pickens, who single-handedly killed nine million Japanese people by jumping on an atomic bomb and riding it all the way to the ground, where the atomic reaction of the bomb was augmented by his slick country charm a thousandfold.
  • Mary, Queen of Scots, who was never a Queen at all. Indeed, she committed the grave crime of impersonating a queen for fifty years as she ruled France with an iron hand. It wasn't until the fifty-first year that the French realized the discrepancy in her name and had her put to death.
  • Rush Limbaugh, who has committed the heinous crime of bogarting the last slice on at least sixteen known occasions. The FBI has been tracking him down since 1984 and have had no luck finding him thus far. In 1992 the U.S. Mint replaced David Bowie's face on the fifty dollar bill with Rush Limbaugh's and replaced the standard "e plurbus unum" motto with the message "Have you seen this man?".
  • Crazy Frog - During each crazy Frog ad, while glued to the tv (most likely due to frog hypnosis), one of OJ's minions will sneak in to your living room and steal your least valubale belongings.
  • Ellen DeGeneres, who is wanted on multiple counts of being an unattractive lesbian. Currently Ellen is being granted asylum in her native country of the Moon.
  • William Howard Taft, notorious xylophonist and haberdasher. Ruled the countryside of Transylvania through fear alone from the year 1453 up until e was deposed by Mecha-Dracula (the robotic vampire crimefighter loved by children of all ages) in 1619.
  • Nancy Drew, wanted in seventy-three of the continental States as well as Hawaii for crimes against crown and country. Amongst her offenses are sticking her nose where it doesn't belong, solving mysteries, and spreading the notion around that women are good for anything other than ironing the dishes and cooking nutritious meals for their families.
  • Karl "Nooply" Marx - Best known for his rash of bank robberies all across Russia in the late 1970s. Suspected of being a communist, and even worse, he used paper bags when plastic were available. His savage disregard for the environment and use of the funds he robbed from various Russian banks to fund his illicit experimental film "Uten Burgen" have fueled many a hate crime against people with big bushy beards who smoke cigars. Captured by police in 1985 and put to death via auto-erotic asphyxiation.
  • Barney Rubble, wanted for counterfeiting Russian currency and stealing both Coco and Fruity Pebbles. Also suspected of being a Cereal killer.
  • Jim Henson - Henson infamously fooled an entire generation of Americans into believing crude figures made of plastic and felt were alive, and then used these false creatures to advance his criminist theories. These "muppets" (a neologism coined by Henson which is a contraction of mindbending and propagandist), are considered responsible for numerous crimes, such as the "tuck rule" in American football, Winona Ryder's shoplifting incident, and Ashlee Simpson's drunken rampage at a McDonald's in Toronto.
  • Dick Hertz from Holden was arrested and put to death after masturbating so much, he rubbed all of the skin off his dick.

Rob Reiner A.K.A. the guy who is always right. Oppressed innocent civilians of the U.S. with crappy movies and laws that banned smoking from normal smoking places. Kidnapped three children in the documentary south park and tried to kill one.

Careers In Crime

Are you a motivated self-starter wanting to get into a rapidly growing industry? Looking to pursue opportunities all over the world or down by the docks? Tired of your dead-end, legitimate career? Turn to crime! Thanks to a high "retirement" rate, there are hundreds of new openings every day!

Average Salaries in the Crime Industry

Check out these great, high-paying jobs, which some have argued only perpetuate, or at the least, maintain, the image of those who commit crime as ne'er-do-wells, as opposed to hard-working criminists.

  • Designer Knock-Off Dealer
    • $12.50 per "Gucci" handbag.
  • Creative Accountant:
    • $55,000 (official) / $400,000 (somewhat less than official)
  • Counterfeiter
    • 100% commission
    • All the Lincolns, Hamiltons, Grants and Benjamins a man needs "to get by"
  • Burglar
    • A beautiful succession of mansions (maximum occupancy time: 10 minutes.)
  • Hamburglar
  • Police Officer:
    • Here's $500. You didn't see nuthin'.
  • Pharmaceuticals (Upper Management):
    • $2,000,000 plus all the "medicine" you can snort.
  • Pharmaceuticals (Shipping):
    • $5,000 per flight and a colorful array of festive party balloons up your keister.
  • Pharmaceuticals (Retail Sales):
    • $100/day plus a nice bulky jacket and reliable running shoes.
  • Female Companion:
    • 10% commission on all sales, plus tips
    • $15/$50 Double penetration will cost you extra, hon
  • Retirement Specialist:
    • $10,000 per assignment and whatever you find in the assignments' pockets
  • Importer/Exporter:
    • $250,000 and whatever falls off the truck.
    • $10,000 for holding a transportee hostage after safe delivery
  • Terrorist:
    • $10,000,000 in "humanitarian aid" from the U.S. or lifelong incarceration/torture, depending on the mood of the administration.
  • Labor Boss:
    • $120,000 of your own salary, plus 50 percent of all the new guys' salaries.

See also


Why Russia has hardly any crime.

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