Vampires Defeat Airbenders At Bunker Hill

This week's mega holiday box office receipts are predictably mega. For the four-day weekend (July 2-July 5th) the newest vamp flick did big business while M. Night Shyamalan bested the bad reviews and didn't embarrass himself.

1) The Twilight Saga: Eclipse — $82.5M
Wapow! After opening on Wednesday, this frightfest from camp director John Landis boring supernatural romance directed by some random guy has already grossed $175m domestically. Worldwide it's way up in the 200 millions. People really wanted to see this piece of shit! I guess nothing really says America quite like a British lesbian sucking on the neck of a depressive woman while a shirtless Indian watches and wrinkles his malformed, circus freak-esque pig nose in sadness. ("Come ladies and gentlemen, boys and ghouls, and marvel at the Pig Boy! He has a six pack... of bacon!") That is just very American. Why, when George Washington was giving his famous Declaration of Independence speech on the steps of Quincy Hall in Philadelphia (that's history, right?) I believe he said "Four score and a few months ago, we set forth to endeavor to build a fortuitous nation. And today, with the help of my friends Andrew Jackson and Rutherford "Ruthy" Hayes, we have accomplished to set forth on that endeavor. Though, I must say, on a personal note, if you [pointing to Betsy Ross] could just suck her [pointing to an ether-addled Martha Washington] neck while you [pointing to pig-nosed old bandicoot Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier] wept like a little girl, I'd feel a fuck of a lot freer. Anyway, in conclusion, I declare this Rent-a-Center officially open for business. May all of your furniture dreams come true. Sincerely, Abraham Lincoln." America's story is the most beautiful story, isn't it?

2) The Last Airbender: And Baby Makes Sequel — $53M
So for the total Wednesday-to-today business, this flick has racked up $70m. But it cost about $150m, before marketing. That is an expensive movie! Why did they spend so much money on this movie? "Hey, you know who hasn't made a good movie in like thirteen years?" "Meryl Streep?" "No! M. Night Shrimpcocktail!" "Oh yeah, his movies are awful. Let's give him this cartoon and a couple hundred million dollars and see what he does with it." "Sounds good. Man, I love drinking at work. To Hollywood!" It just makes no decipherable sense. But they did it. And, hey, it sorta paid off. Despite being the worst-reviewed movie of the summer, Airbender didn't flop in the same way that, oh say, Jonah Hex fell of its horse and lay weeping and farting in the dust. You know how much money Jonah Hex made this weekend? None. Because they took it out of the movie theaters. So, hey Airbender. You may be a horrid mishmash of ugly CGI and vague anti-Asianism, but at least you're not lying in a box of discarded film reels on the side of the road, making friends with Cutthroat Island and talking about how no one "understands" you. At least there's that.

3) Toy Story 3 — $42.2M
It was a weekend for threequels! First, obviously, there was Nasty Eddie Cullen's Freak-Ass Fuckdown, and now there's this. This Austrian indie about a melancholy toy factory worker living in Graz has now grossed $300m domestically and is on pace to become Pixar's highest-grossing moving picture of all time, unseating Finding Nemo, a Cypriot-financed drama about two emotionally lost expatriots (Isabella Rossellini and Rebecca DeMornay) falling in love on the Dalmatian Coast while taking turns reading 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea aloud to a boy who was blinded in a mule accident. They found Nemo, and... each other. It's really quite lovely. Almost as good as Monsters, Inc., a searing documentary about the Nabisco disaster based on Barbarians at the Gate, and Cars, about talking cars.

4) Grown Ups — $26.5M
Yayy for Grown Ups! Rob Schneider really needed this one. You know what's weird? This movie cost $80m to make. How could that possibly be? They must have spent a fortune paying this guys to show up and goof off for a few months. Man, I wish someone would pay me to drink beer and make jokes with Kevin James. The only people who know what that's like are the guys in this movie, and Stacey Carosi herself, Leah Remini. Leah Remini has some pretty keen insight on what it's like to get paid to stand around drinking beer and shooting the shit with Kevin James. Leah Remini is also an insane Scientologist, so there's that. Maybe that's the devil's bargain. You can get paid lots of money to drink beer and crack wise with Kevin James, but you also have to become a crazy Scientologist and/or David Spade. It's a tricky trade-off.

5) Fumbling Toward Relevancy: The Tom Cruise Story — $14M
Speaking of crazy Scientologists! The film, whose working title is Knight & Day, has now put some $49m in the crazy coffers, which is pretty far south of its $117m budget. The so-far gross is about this tall, while the budget is wayyyy up there. Tom Cruise is used to this feeling.* Tom Cruise doesn't like this feeling. Tom Cruise needs a nap and some quiet time. Please give Tom Cruise that. Please give him that, won't you?

*Tom Cruise is short.