Last updated: December 28, 2014



This Is [Nearly] 30: Hanger management - are you hungry, angry, or both?

"Hey kid, give me your lunch money and your Snack Pack. NOW." Source: Supplied

TUESDAY: 10.01am. I've arrived at work and, for some reason, I'm mad.

It's not just 'mad'. It's 'p***ed off'. Irritable. Unfriendly. Quiet. Unresponsive. Uncooperative. Angry.

Everything and everyone sucks right now. If you pitched a story idea, it was terrible. If you made a joke, no one laughed. Or, I didn't laugh, I can't remember. F***.

Coffee-shop brew tastes like warm hatred. It's not just the barista's fault, either, it's also the fault of the heavily pregnant colleague who gladly offered to pick it up for me. And the workmate who paid for it. How dare they.

Then the penny drops. I realise why I'm acting like such a miserable, sooky, precious bastard.


It's now nearly 11am and I haven't eaten. Not a thing all day. To make matters worse, I'd trained for a hard hour earlier that morning. The body has just been tossed around the gym like a ragdoll without so much as a raw egg in return. The body's p***ed off because it's been crying out for food, and the brain ignored it.

Well now it's a mutiny. The brain's on its own.

This is how hanger works. I'm not actually angry, or at least I'm not angry-angry. I'm hungry. Or to put it more accurately - I'm hangry. Hungry-angry. It's the worst place to be.

How I made it nearly 28 years without ever having experienced hanger is beyond me. I'd seen it many times. The Girlfriend is a hangry she-beast. The best mate can't hold a conversation unless he's had one of six daily meals. It's worse if Arsenal loses AND he's gone the whole match without a corn-beef sandwich. And don't even try to convince the cat it's time for some couch-pat-love unless you've dished out the chicken hearts and liver. Pickle gets HANGRY.

“Chicken hearts. I won’t ask you again, human.” Source: Supplied

The Girlfriend is the worst offender. She gets so consumed by the urge to feed what we like to call The Monster, she ends up hate-eating her food. Not enjoying the flavours on her plate. Not participating in the theatre of food. But just grabbing the fork, unleashing a guttural growl, and violating the meal before her. It's not even fair. The pumpkin and quinoa salad did nothing to deserve this.

The more pressing question is: how does one tame the Food Hulk within? Because when that big, green wrecking balls gets his way, he's ready to smash his fists into buildings.

I'm not a health expert, but I know a handful of people who are, including Dr Naras Lapsys - The Body Doctor. Or as I like to call him, The Food Guy. Resisting the temptation to smash buttons on the phone, I calmly dial his number for advice. He needs to help me. Now.

It starts off simply enough.

"You're living in Australia so you're probably not going to starve. Dinner is coming. There are very few of us who are struggling to find our next meal," he tells me.

OK, I get it. A bit blunt, but that's fine.

"Suck it up, handle it, hold off for an hour, hold off for two hours and your brain will deal with it."

OK FINE, FOOD GUY, I GET IT. Ahem. He's not talking to me directly, but I'm taking everything personally at this point. Then he cuts a bit of slack.

"If the last time you ate was 9pm last night, you probably had a Tim Tam, now you've gone too many hours without eating," he said.

Now we're on the same page. We're getting somewhere. Except for the Tim Tams. We're not allowed them in our house. (Note to self: Buy Tim Tams, hide the goodness, eat strategically.) My Food Guy continues with some advice.

"Maybe you should get a banana in you before you head out the door next time. That will offset that 10.30am hunger pang. And maybe you can avoid smashing down a muffin with your coffee. It can have a major impact on your mood."

Bananas. The good guys in the breakfast wars, apparently.

Bananas. The good guys in the breakfast wars, apparently. Source: News Limited

So if you can't touch the muffin, and the banana doesn't quite get you there, how do you pacify the beast?

"When you eat foods like carbs and sugar you get a feel-good chemical. If you haven't had that [chemical] for a while you can crave food, feel flat or your mood can drop.

"If you're hardwired that way you might really feel that kick. You might be a sugar or carb junkie and you're looking for your next hit. Some people are hankering for the hit and they get really grumpy when they haven't been fed."

Me hungry. Food good. People bad. This is hanger, and it's a powerful, persistent little bugger. So next time you're p***ed off for no good reason, ask yourself: 'Are people really the worst, or did I just skip breakfast?'

It's 1PM. Full belly. Smile on face. And a pregnant lady who deserves an apology.

Chris Paine is a hangry beast who desperately needs professional help. Also, he's on Twitter: @christoforpaine


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  • Jaycee Posted at 12:39 AM August 05, 2013

    The bad gut bacteria live almost exclusively on refined cards, including sugar. Your being controlled by a micro-organism. Since humans made this rubbish the staple of their diet they have become like moody toddlers. I see so many grumpy people these days. Have a look at 'marylin' on home and away. She gave an interview a few years back about giving up wheat and sugar and she positively glows. People don't want to base their diet on vegetables because they're messy and time consuming. Diddums. So are colostomy bags.

  • Clare of Clare Posted at 10:59 PM August 04, 2013

    I am feral if I have to wait at a restaurant longer than expected. Chew my husband's ear off and hate the whole entire world, especially the kitchen staff.

  • big dave of perth Posted at 10:37 PM August 04, 2013

    my missus keeps snacks in her handbag for me, for when we go out and I get hangry

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