Amanda Talar


Don’t ask, don’t tell




Julia and BNG had a talk the other night about their past relationships. Julia asked BNG if he was ever unfaithful to a girlfriend. Apparently, BNG had been unfaithful once in his past, which ultimately caused the end of his last long-term relationship. Julia isn’t happy about this news — wondering if the old saying, ‘once a cheater…’ is true. (SN: I held back from referring to BNG as a ‘cheap cheater‘)

“I don’t really think it’s totally true. Do you want to know why”, I asked, feeling unsure if Julia would think I was just telling her what she wanted to hear.

She looked at me as if she was seeking any kind of answer — preferably a glimpse into the future to see if BNG would ever be unfaithful to her — but, since I had left my crystal ball, Tarot cards and Magic 8-ball at home, all I had was my opinion.

I told her that I felt as though people who cheat on their significant others are more likely to be repeat offenders if their significant other forgives/stays with them, while someone who is unfaithful to their significant other but loses that person from their life is less likely to cheat on their next significant other. It’s not an exact science — and I mean, overall — people can make mistakes and actually learn from them.

So, I told Julia I don’t think it’s set in stone that BNG will flex his cheating muscle with her — and I don’t think the risk is any greater or lesser based on his past.

“Did you learn from a mistake”, Julia asked, her head cocked to the side.

I wagged my finger at her. She could quiz BNG all she wanted, but I’m not the one in a relationship with her. However, I was aware that my non-answer could be perceived as a “guilty” answer. But, that doesn’t mean that it is.

“You’re right. It’s in his past. It doesn’t mean it’s in his future”, Julia said, nodding.

As I drove home, I remembered how I wrote about being there for a friend whose long-term boyfriend was unfaithful, and I felt a sickening pain in my stomach. I hate thinking, talking, (and writing) about cheating. I started to think about how I would feel if I were Julia. I thought I would probably feel the same way — cautious, nervous, wondering.

That is why it’s one question I never ask. Or answer.

Categories: Dating, Friend drama
Amanda Talar

31 Responses

  1. jrcasmir says:

    i think julia is still trying to find everything wrong with BNG and this is going to be the straw that broke the shot glass…

  2. Tom says:

    That’s like asking the question of how may partners you have had in your past dating life, there is no right answer. Whatever answer you give your BF/GF is going to be whatever number you said too many…by letting doubt creep in like that you are setting yourself up for disaster.

  3. jrcasmir says:

    side note: leopards spots are on their skin not in the coloring in the fur, so the sopts will never change…

  4. Rachel says:

    The naive part of me hopes people change and I hope her boyfriend wouldn’t do it to her. If people couldn’t change for the better, than what is the purpose of therapists and psychiatrists?

    Yet, if I knew a boyfriend or husband of mine did this in the past, you bet I’d be wondering if it could happen to me. Maybe this is where blind faith is a good idea.

  5. Bringing (it) back says:

    Why can’t Julia ask these questions of BNG?? Why is it always going to Amanda and smake a mirrors? What’s wrong with just going to your boyfriend, telling him that you are understandably shaken by his past and just generally treating the conversation the way you treated it with a friend like Amanda?

  6. Bringing (it) back says:

    Edit: Smoke and mirrors

  7. Sue says:

    I tend to think it has a lot to do with why they cheated in the past? Was it because of problems? Was it a drunken mistake? Or is it just part of who they are (just don’t care)?

    Some things change; others don’t.

  8. supernova says:

    Weeeeeaaaaaaaak not answering.

  9. Confused says:

    A leopard can have no spots and be black … we then call it a blank panther. Genetically the same…

    People make mistakes. It’s human nature. Forgive ability is individual preference. Typically, accountability is the deciding factor. If a child steals candy, is caught but not punished, tell me how likely that child is to steal that candy again? Poor analogy maybe … but learning and dealing with consequences to your actions starts at a very young age. As a rationale individual, I can’t make a blanket statement … once a cheater, always a cheater because for every guy/gal that is a repeat offender, there is a counterpart that will never do it again.

  10. Lauren says:

    I think…that there is a certain type of person who goes from “unhappy in this relationship” to- “i’m going to sleep with someone else while in a relationship”.

    I’m not saying it would always happen- but I think he has the cheater gene. Sober, Drunk, one night stand, or multiple outings- he has shown his capacity to cheat.

  11. good4u says:

    Oh Amanda why do you do this to me??? Between online dating and your stories, I will be single forever!!…ugh! lol

    Anyways did she ask why he cheated (not that any reason is a good reason)? I think that could add insight on whether or not he would do it again (Say for instance he cheated because the ex cheated). I also think its a good sign that he came clean about it (in the past) eventhough he knew it would end his relationship and also didn’t lie to your friend.

  12. Mary Ann says:

    I learned long ago, never to ask questions I don’t want to know the answers to…

  13. elf says:

    I don’t ask about past relationships b/c their in the ‘past’ and therefore I don’t feel the need to divulge any info about my past to my present. That’s just opening pandora’s box…..

  14. john says:

    Amanda, Long time no speak! I have to ask you/readers a question about cheating. I have been seeing/dating/have a girlfriend, whatever you want to call for some time now and I caught her cheating/potential cheating over the summer. A couple of months into the relationship I knew something was up, but She kept inviting me along on trips/asking me to spend time with her, but something just wasn’t right. I’m not one to snoop around, but decided to go through her phone one day because of my gut feeling, and found what I was looking for “boy did it suck”. I confronted her and decided to give her another chance, but what she did/potentially was going to do/I will never know whether or not she ever did weights on me every day. She told me it was just text messages/emails, but I don’t know if I ever can ever really trust her again. I love her, but hate myself for loving her at the same time. I sometimes feel like I was the bigger person/mature one for giving her a second chance but at the same time feel like a fool as well. What should I do about my leopard?

  15. RJ says:

    That’s a tough call. I know a lot of people say ‘once a cheater always a cheater’, but I think we’re not giving people enough credit. Maybe I’m naiive, but people can choose to NOT cheat just as they once had chosen to do so. We’re all in control of our own actions, whether choosing to do right, or choosing to do wrong.

  16. Ann says:

    I cheated on one boyfriend in my past, but none of the others. I realized that obviously I wasn’t that into him if I cheated and so broke up with him.

    If your SO cheats on YOU, then I agree with the once a cheater always a cheater; they got away with it once.

  17. supernova says:

    John…it’s over. Yes it will hurt in the short term but it’s done and move on. You’ve set the bad precedent that she can get away with it and you’ll still hang around. You were only a few months into it…the first few months are suppose to be where everything is perfect and you think the other person is the greatest thing ever. If she pulled shady stuff in the first few months then it won’t get better.

  18. Confused says:

    @John … Cheating/potential cheating is a tad ambiguous. It’s hard to give sound advice not knowing what you mean yet nonetheless, I’m a glutton for walking out on a limb. I see many “issues” with the relationship … You’re quick nature to snoop … her at the very least, violating your trust. The relationship would be an uphill battle. You’re trying to rationalize your actions with emotions; a difficult thing to do. Most people, if the relationship was in its infancy, would move on. But only you can make that decision.

  19. CMF says:

    John…get rid of her and move on. She now knows she can get away with it and will probably become a repeat offender.

  20. Kelly E. says:

    I love your logic and hopefulness that a cheater would learn from prior mistakes, but I feel like knowing that someone was okay with breaking that trust (albeit in the past) doesn’t sit right with me – to the extent that I might not want to be with them.

  21. A sitdown with the UKMA. says:

    without trust there can be no relationship, and if your worrying about what might be before it is, then its over before it even starts! nothing worse than a suspicous and jealous incessant woman! if you werent going to cheat she’ll drive you to it!!!

  22. Ann says:

    Okay people, it is not okay for you to search through your SO’s emails or texts!
    It shows you have no trust and that you are not trustworthy. If you think something is up -ask.
    John, did she or did she not cheat? Or is it she said she didn’t cheat but you don’t believe her?
    Either way, the relationship has be poisoned.

  23. Amanda Talar says:

    john — “She told me it was just text messages/emails” — really?! What’s next — “It was just sex”?

    She’s a liar. I never really care how people find out they’re being lied to/cheated on/potentially cheated on, just that they found out. You had a gut instinct and you found solid proof. Move on and do absolutely nothing with her.

  24. Jango Davis says:

    The more I read this column, the more I’m convinced there’s going to be a lot of single miserable people in nursing homes when they get old…

  25. A. says:

    Beyond cheating, I’m wondering what other things in people’s pasts their girlfriends/boyriends would/wouldn’t look past. I think that should be a topic.

  26. A. says:

    It would have to have nothing to do with ex-gfs or ex bfs. Just other stuff.

  27. A. says:

    Like, what if they worked in a department store, and got fired for stealing stuff from there? What if they got arrested for something? What if they had done some unethical things at work? But now…they regret whatever it was very deeply.

  28. Amanda Talar says:

    A., I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a while now — how come you often comment in two or more comments, one right after the other, to form one complete thought, instead of just putting it all in one comment? I really find it interesting.

  29. Dave says:

    Cheaters never change. This one guy i have grown up with has cheated on every girl he has dated. The most recent is now his wife, just married this summer, and he has cheated on her at least 10 times. She is just so naive having caught him numerous times but allows herself to believe the lies he feeds her afterwards. My main concern is what happens to their pup dozer when they finally divorce?

  30. Fred says:

    Fred Says:

    Fred has talked about this before in past blog comments. It is possible that his behavior can be changed and he won’t cheat. But and this is a big But, Fred has found that cheaters are “situational” thinkers, that meaning they do whatever seems right to them in that situation, and if one night they are out and cheating seems right they do it, only thinking about their immediate situation that night, not about the girl or guy waiting at home for them.

  31. eyes rollin' says:

    People do in fact change… can you imagine if you were the same person you were at age 20? Perspectives change, responsibilities change. If my hubby and I got together 10 years ago we wouldn’t have lasted 2 weeks, he was a two timing jerk and I wasn’t much better. Sometimes people grow up and realize what an ass they’ve been… sometimes not but you also can’t live your life doubting and fearing everyone…