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You've had it coming

August 8, 2003

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Margaret Healy ponders a life spent in interminable queues.

The morning begins with ringing Telstra. As ever, all operators - sorry, consultants - are busy, being engaged in helping other customers. I just need to get through to a real person. My call is important to them and they value my custom. Long wait. Finally, I am put through.

Thus fortified, I head for the city, bent on further acquaintance with queues, form filling and the like. At the bank, no one is ahead of me. This freakish occurrence obviously means that from henceforth I will be at the end of long queues of customers, all with intractable problems.

Next, off to the Medibank Private office. Goodness, it's gone. Discover it is now in Martin Place. Drat, I've just been in Martin Place! Here, I encounter a queue-handling ticket system. The place is full. Not much movement in the queue. I spy a sign advising me to avoid delays, fill out a claim form, attach receipts, put in envelope, seal and place in box. Bewdy! Grab form, and fill it out. Aargh, wrong form. Can't see any other forms. The woman nearby has the right form. Maybe there are more underneath the one she's filling in. There's one. Joy! Oh, she's taken it with her. Give up. Rip up wrong form, leave premises, go home.

Console self by pondering philosophical implications of automated answering services, and modern queue handling. Decide to become a consultant and compose automated telephone answering service for the Government. If successful, I might then have a go at queue handling or form replenishment techniques. Here goes.

"Thank you for telephoning the Australian Government. All our ministers are busy at the moment. Your call is important to us, so please hold the line and wait for the next available minister. To facilitate your inquiry, please listen to the following options and press the appropriate number.

"If you are a member of the media, press 1, to be connected to the minister's press office for confidential briefings.

"If you are a sporting or defence hero, press 2. This will connect you to our hotline, which will make immediate arrangements for joint publicity.

"If you wish to pass on any suspicions concerning international terrorism, please be alert and not alarmed, and refer to instructions on your fridge magnet. Press 3 if you have lost magnet.

"If you are a swinging voter, press 4, and you will be immediately connected to a public opinion pollster, who will ascertain your attitudes and line you up for a focus group.

"If you are an illegal immigrant, press 5. You will be advised of your nearest detention centre.

"If you are a supporter of the ABC, we have nothing to say to you, except that, to paraphrase the words of the song, They had it coming. Don't bother pressing anything.

"If you are an ordinary voter, press 6. Voters are advised there may be a long queue ahead of them and delays can be expected.

"Thank you for calling the Australian Government. Remember that we govern for all of US."


