What I know about women...

Nirpal Singh Dhaliwal 32, writer, married to columnist Liz Jones

There's been this big, pervading myth about women being complicated. In fact, it's the opposite. They're quite straightforward. They have their ups and downs but they don't wind up being serial killers and they are less likely to be drug addicts or geniuses than men. In fact, they are under-represented at all the extremes of human existence. That's not to say I don't know brilliant women. I think my wife, Liz Jones, is a brilliant woman but I've never seen a woman flip out or go to an extreme like a guy would.

I admit I can be annoying but who doesn't annoy the wife? A man is on the slide to madness if he lets a woman dictate how he should be. As soon as you let a woman push you around, she will despise you. Women find chauvinism without malice quite attractive. That's not to say I don't believe in feminism. I'm reaping the dividends of it. My best friends are dykes and my wife is older and more successful than me: do you think I'd be able to live like this if it was 1903? I've got more out of feminism than most women. They are far more sexual than they are allowed to be, judging by the way they go nuts in the sack. I think women should start doing what they like, and then see where it takes them. I'm not out to provide them with a manifesto, but they could start by acknowledging that men are jerks and then get over it. This is why most of my friends are lesbians because they already know this. They haven't been brainwashed by decades of bullshit provided by glossy magazines.

The truth about male sexuality, and it's a truth that women don't like men to admit, is that men's egos and sexuality are tightly entwined. They need affirmation through sex. Women try to make out that sex is all about love, but it isn't. They don't need that component either. Women can have great sex with a guy they've only just met. I know, because I've been there.

Straight women have ridiculous expectations of men. Liz is a case in point. Marry a guy who's significantly younger than you, then moan about him being immature. Marry a guy who has his head in the clouds, and then be pissed off because he's not a breadwinner. The truth is if a woman does marry a nine-to-five guy, she'll spend the rest of her life moaning because he's so boring.

Marriage is not an anti-woman institution. I think it's an enabler. When a woman gets together with a man, she has the means to get a mortgage and a better lifestyle. OK, for me it was different because Liz was the successful one. But Liz has made good dough out of our marriage, although she's capitalised on it in an ingenious way, and not in the traditional manner.

The older I get, the more I like women. It's true I get lots of grief from them, when they read about me in Liz's column, but when you meet me you can tell I'm not like that. Anyway, they're just trying to find out what their own men are up to. It's curiosity, rather than malice.

Women test men's patience all the time. A woman will do something absurd, like get half an inch trimmed off her hair, and expect that to be the first thing you notice, or that she's wearing a top that's almost identical to the dozens of other tops she's bought in the past few weeks. And when you think, 'Shit, she's really pissing me off', that's when you know it's hormones. You can feel the static when a woman's coming on. Most of the time it's just a general, low-level crackling.

But I do accept that guys are still very shitty towards women. My old man gave my mum a hard time. Despite the success Liz has had, she's had to put up with a lot of bullshit from men. There's probably a sense of disaffection with her own generation which worked in my favour. Was I surprised Liz was attracted to me? Not really, because I was cocky as hell then. I was surprised it went as far as it did, though. It's a great affirmation.