It's possible that I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Last Saturday, I was getting ready for my weekly Costco run - I go through 20 rolls of paper towels a week, and I love the $1.50 hot dogs.

Except (pat, pat) where's my wallet?

It's not unusual (great song by Tom Jones) that I can't find my wallet. It's usually in the back pocket of the pants I wore last night and threw on the floor next to my bed. But nope, not there.

Where'd my pants go, anyway?

I checked the regular spots: on my desk, in the bathroom, next to the TV, under the couch, under the floor mat in my car … nope.

Hold on, I threw a load of clothes in the washing machine. That's where my pants went. Please don't let my wallet still be in the back pocket.

It wasn't.

It probably fell out of my pants during the rinse cycle.

Now my wallet was a scrunched-up hunk of wet, smelly leather in the bottom of the washing machine. Everything that was inside my wallet was plastered to the basin like the Roundup ride at the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo. Centrifugal force will get you every time.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Most of us have lost a wallet, so you know what a living hell it is getting a new driver's license and credit cards and that stuff. For the next couple of days, you keep remembering something else you had in your wallet.

Throwing your wallet in the washing machine is a different kind of torture.

I peeled my driver's license out of the tub. There's my Visa debit card, my American Express card, my Academy gift card from Christmas, a Macy's card, my frequent submarine card from Lenny's (twice as expensive as Subway, but five times better), some phone numbers, business cards, a few cards from Wendy's and Burger King and Chick-fil-A, my health insurance card, my Continental frequent flier card (God, I miss Continental), my free game certificate at a miniature golf course in Galveston and a card from the Chocolate Bar in Rice Village (great 10,000-layer chocolate cake; try it with a dish of chocolate malt ice cream).

The tricky part was the paper items, like money and receipts for work-related expenses. You don't think Brian Ching pays when we have lunch at Barry's Pizza, do you? For a guy with long legs, he has very short arms. They don't reach his back pocket.

I covered my kitchen table with towels and placed everything out to dry. My table looked like the buffet at Golden Corral.

I didn't realize how much junk I was carrying around. My Savvy Caddy wallet really works. I read about the Savvy Caddy about a year ago and ordered one. It's a Space Age super-thin wallet that holds an amazing number of credit cards and you don't look like Kim Kardashian from behind.

The Savvy Caddy didn't survive the rinse cycle, but the more important question was:

Will credit cards, gift cards and driver's licenses with magnetic strips still work after a complete wash with detergent, dry bleach and Incredible Stain Remover?

I'm such a sucker for infomercial products. Incredible will make blood stains disappear from a mob hit, but if a french fry falls on your shirt, either throw out the shirt or hold onto it for sweater season.

I can always get another driver's license and credit cards, but I don't want to bother Wendy's over a gift card that still has a Baconator on it.

My receipts dried but were faded and unreadable. That's OK; now when I turn in the blank receipt, I'll say that Ching ordered lobster for lunch at Tony's and I suddenly became quite the tipper.

Dollar bills dry, but they're stiff and don't bend so easily, like Roger Clemens throwing an 89 mph fastball for the Sugar Land Skeeters.

Yeah, sure, 89 mph. You didn't really believe that, did you? Just like he's going to spring training next year and try to make the Astros. No chance.

Your supermarket cashier will accept your laundered money, but soda machines will reject it.

Here's the good news for stupid people who toss their wallets in washing machines - credit cards and gift cards with magnetic strips still work.

Funny, if you put a credit card next to your cell phone, the credit card is ruined. The magnetic strip heads south. Good luck getting last-minute cash out of the ATM for a date. McDonald's doesn't make a good first impression.

But that same credit card can survive a wash, rinse and spin in a Kenmore.