I'm strangely attracted to my same-sex flatmate. Should I tell him?

I've become curious about my flatmate's sexuality – and think it may be mutual – but am wary of making a move
'I am both excited and afraid what would happen if I made a move'
'I am both excited and afraid what would happen if I made a move' Photograph: Getty Images

I am a confused male PhD student in my 30s. My new flatmate looks and acts like a man, but there's something a bit different about him. At first I just thought he had some kind of gender difference that I didn't quite understand. Over the past three months I've started to have sexual feelings towards him and I suspect it's mutual. I'm mainly heterosexual, but have occasionally had sex with men. I feel extremely curious about my flatmate's gender and sexuality and am both excited and afraid to know what would happen if I make a move. What would be the best way to approach him?

There are many differences in the way a person chooses to express his or her gender. It's understandable that you want to know exactly how you might interact sexually with such a person. Have you considered asking him outright? It would be very reasonable to say simply: "I'm attracted to you, and I'd like your thoughts on that."

Most of us like to pigeonhole others – partly so we can know what our own role is in relation to them. But such limited definitions can be misleading. Could you be brave and open enough to simply allow your feelings for this person to be unqualified by rigid notions of gender or sexual orientation? Then you might discover that eroticism is not always about having the "right" kind of genitals or playing expected roles. It can be surprising, different and, best of all, toe-curlingly taboo.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders

If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@guardian.co.uk (please don't send attachments).