The perfect lunch

Keith Waterhouse, author of Soho
I'm a luncher rather than an eater, which is a very different breed. Food isn't in the least important, but neither party should be on a diet because I don't want people fussing about it. I always leave most of my food, but the ritual is very important. I don't eat bread in a restaurant, but I want bread on the table and I like to be able to crumble a bit on the tablecloth.

The perfect lunch has more to do with atmosphere than food, and the company you are in creates atmosphere. Ideally, it should be someone of the opposite sex. It gets a little buzz going, even if nothing is going to happen, because lunch is essentially a flirtatious event. It feels like stolen time because you have a sense that you're playing hooky and you should be at work or doing something constructive. I believe that no one should go back to work after lunch, but for some unfortunate people it's in the middle of the working day. You haven't knocked off for the day, so you feel that you're not entitled to this time and should be back at your desk. Do not try to compromise by having a business lunch. You may talk a little bit of business, but not much. Anything to do with work you can do on the telephone.

Lunch is for generalities and gossip. It's a great chance for dissemination, another reason it should take place between two people of the opposite sex. Men on their own don't gossip a lot, but men and women together do.

The restaurant should be busy, but not so busy that you can't get the attention of the waiter. The Ivy and my local canteen, Langan's, create the best ambience. The person running it must have a sense of theatre and know how to look after people who are there for a treat.

• Soho by Keith Waterhouse (£16.99, Sceptre) is published on 19 April

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