Kindly Americans Didn't Hack Somali Pirate to Pieces

The hero American crew members of the Maersk Alabama taught those teenage Somali Pirates a few things about America, and its values: we value freedom of commerce. And we value being able to kill you:

The crew members have arrived back here in the USA, and they're telling their tales—tales of swashbuckling, high seas marauding, and murderous, bloodthirsty rage. By them! Here's the story of how they snatched one of the pirates (the one still alive) who was trying to hijack their ship:

"I pulled a knife on his face and said, 'We are going to kill you,' and my supervisor said, 'Don't do anything to this guy,' " deckmate Miguel Ruiz, 46, of The Bronx, recalled.

"We could have killed the hostage, but we didn't have the orders to do it. We are not killers. We try to help other nations."

Miguel displays just the type of benevolent American power that extends our nation's influence to the far corners of the earth. Even our merchant seamen are helping other nations, not killing them! That wretched pirate is now coming to stand trial in America and serve as a proxy for the sins of his entire nation, dang. We promise to only imprison him in a foreign country for a mind-boggling number of years, not kill him. USA!
[NYP. Pic via]