It takes a good friend to find a good date

February 23, 2013|Ask Amy

Dear Amy: I'm a 27-year-old black woman in graduate school. I have never been in any serious relationship, and am wondering if you have any advice on how to change this.

I'm attracted to men of different races, but find it difficult to make connections to many black men. My family is from Africa, and I was raised in the suburbs (read: surrounded by white people).

Black men sometimes don't think I'm "black enough," since I didn't grow up in a black community and have different experiences being first-generation American. Men from other races don't seem particularly drawn to me, and at this point I'm not really sure what to do.

I'm introverted and don't open up very easily, although I've been actively trying to change this. I've also tried online dating on two very reputable dating websites, with no dates resulting from either.


— Chronically Single

Dear Single: Before you find the right guy, you need a good woman in your life. Friends are the great secret to successful dating.

A friend could take a look at your online dating profile and tell you why your profile is not attracting responses. Maybe you need a new photo, a shorter (or longer or funnier or quirkier) "me" statement. Maybe you need to be more proactive about contacting people whose profiles attract you.

Your graduate school probably hosts social organizations. Join organizations which will take you outside your comfort zone. Use social settings to practice proactive flirting, interacting and being open to people from all sorts of backgrounds.




— Grieving MIL

Dear Grieving: If your son says he feels he is "walking on eggshells," this is a sign that he might be in an abusive marriage. Abusers isolate their partners and restrict access to them. Abusers keep everyone (including children and their grandparents) off-kilter.


Dear Amy: I loved the letter from "Joan." She wanted to take some money she was being given for her 50th birthday and spend it traveling to India.

I was a tour manager for over a decade, taking older people on trips all over the world. I cannot tell you how often I had people tell me they had saved their entire lives to travel, and then one of the spouses had passed away or was unable to physically make the trip to see and do all the things that had been dreamed about.

I took that vicarious lesson to heart.

— Tour Guide

Dear Guide: The only readers advising against this trip were people who had never traveled. Thank you.