Brave new world, brand new game. Bravo SBS!

By Richard Hinds
March 5, 2005


A humble apology to our esteemed government and particularly the nation's "cricket-loving" prime minister. The legislation does work. The Ashes have been anti-siphoned by SBS. Let's cross to Les Murray in the studio.

Les (wearing a very dark, well-cut and distinctly un-Richie-like blazer): Yes, thank you, and I would like to welcome viewers in Melbourne, Sydney, Adelaide ... everywhere, really, for the first time today. It is our pleasure to be able to bring you the cricket - or what we at SBS like to call "the English, Australasian, southern-African, Caribbean and subcontinental Asian game". In a departure from our normal practices, there will be no ethnic flavour to the telecast. So let's go to the team at Lord's. Your commentator is Andy Paschalidis making a welcome return to the SBS microphone and our experts are Lenny Pascoe, Mike Veletta and Richard Chee Quee.

Andy: Thank you, Les. You join us just as the teams come out. The toss has been made and the Australians, wearing their traditional all-white strip, will be bowling. England, also wearing their traditional all-white strip, will bat from the left of your screen. Good morning to Lenny Pascoe. Obviously some confusion with the kits?

Lenny: Ummm, no, Andy. Both teams always wear white in Tests.

Andy: Just like Leeds United versus Tottenham then. Anyway, it will be Glenn McGrath who takes the kick-off. He's found a lot of space down the middle and is running virtually unhindered toward the English wickets. He shoots, but the ball goes wide of Strauss and the keeper Gilchrist has no trouble handling that one. Some early cracks in the English defence there, Lenny?

Lenny: Ahh no, not really, Andy. Strauss just left a straight one outside his off stump.

Andy: Now it's Gillespie with a clever move toward Trescothick. Goooallllllllll. Umm, I mean Got 'immmmmmm! A slight edge and the ball went straight into the four-man Australian wall. To me it looked suspiciously like handball as Hayden intercepted the pass, but the referee has allowed it. So that's a wonderful start for the Australians, especially with away wickets counting double.

Lenny: Actually, Andy, they don't have home and away legs. A wicket is just a wicket. And that was a good one. Gillespie really got the ball to swing away.

Andy: Yes, I think veteran viewers will be aware that the ball swings a lot in these conditions, having watched some of the best English exponents. Especially at Old Trafford.

Lenny: You would be talking about the likes of Mike Hendrick, Peter Lever, Chris Old and Ian Botham?

Andy: No, David Beckham and Ryan Giggs. Now it's Gillespie coming in again and Vaughan plays a long ball that goes over the touchline. So it will be the Australians who take the throw.

Lenny: It was a four, Andy. Four runs.

Andy: Ummm, right, yeah. Anyway, for those viewers who have been flooding the switchboard back home, we apologise for the disruption to our normal night-time schedule. We will be showing the popular German sitcom Unnatuerliche liebe mit einem kamel (Unnatural love with a camel) during the tea break.

Meanwhile, it's Warne trotting in with no real urgency. Penalty! The ball hit Strauss on the leg and referee Steve Bucknor pointed very slowly to the spot. Well, a bit above the spot, really. I didn't see any contact and Warne stayed on his feet, but Bucknor obviously saw something.

Richard: That was a wicket, Andy. Warne got the ball to straighten and trapped him right in front.

Andy: Yeah, yeah, of course. I'm not suggesting Warne was staging. But Bucknor obviously felt Trescothick was trying to interfere with Warne's "googlies".

Richard: Yeah, right. Now you're getting the hang of it, Andy.

Andy: So it's England 2 for 54. That's a solid position for the Australians. What will coach John Buchanan be looking for his team to do here, Mike? Put a few more men back on the "boundary" to protect their two-wicket lead? Waste a bit of time by pushing the ball about in the "outfield"? Generally just ensure they don't make the same mistakes as Terry Venables and the Socceroos did in the World Cup qualifier against Iran when they squandered a 2-0 advantage?

Mike: No, Andy. They will be trying to get eight more wickets. This Test match still has a very long way to go.

Andy: Yeah, yeah, of course. It's only just half-time on the first day. And as the players make their way towards the tunnel we take you back to Les in the studio.

Les: Great work there, Andy. Next up, Mary Kostakidis with The Cricket Show.
