Overnight claim not worth losing sleep over, mom

Jarred Opatz Published:

DEAR AMY: I really need a sane opinion. My 16-year-old daughter recently requested that I allow a "friend" sleep over at our house. The friend is a boy who she is getting to know. He lives about 30 minutes from our house. I said absolutely not and told her I would be happy to drive him to our house and back. She said all of her friends' parents are allowing these sleepovers. Some even are allowing the boy to sleep in the girl's room. Am I out of touch with reality or are these parents crazy? Old-fashioned Mom DEAR MOM: You are out of touch with reality. By that I mean that you don't seem to even consider the idea that your daughter could be "playing" you. Think back to when you were 16. Didn't you ever say to your folks, "But all the other parents are letting their kids do it!" (Of course you did. It's a classic teen comeback.) The best way to find out what all the other parents are doing is to ask them. Most schools have parent peer groups, and these groups are invaluable, especially to parents of teens. Getting together with other parents and keeping in regular contact is a great way to find out what other kids are talking about, what other families are wrestling with, and who is playing both sides against the middle. If your school doesn't offer these groups, then consider starting one. You can learn a ton at a parents' potluck dinner. The next time your daughter suggests all the other parents are allowing all the other kids to do something, keep your cool, get out a pen and paper, and say, "OK, honey, tell me who these parents are. I'd like to call them so that they can explain their reasoning because I just don't get it." Regardless of what other parents might be permitting, you should continue to set reasonable limits and boundaries with your daughter. Teens are as hungry for direction as they were when they were toddlers. DEAR AMY: I met a man (55 years old) on an Internet dating service. We have been instant-messaging each other for about a week. I agreed to meet him for coffee on Friday, and I felt a great personal connection. We had a nice time and then parted ways. When I got home, I noticed he was online, so I sent him another IM thanking him for breakfast. He asked if we could see each other again, and I said yes. We made plans for that night, and he said he would get in touch later in the day (I gave him my cell phone number). He never got in touch or called, so I didn't see him. The next morning, when I logged on to my PC I noticed he was online again, so I sent him another IM and asked him what happened. He said his PC crashed at about 5 p.m. and my cell number was on his PC so he couldn't access it. OK. I bought that and gave him my cell number again. Then he asked if we could meet the next day. He gave me his home phone number and told me to call when I was ready, and we would meet at the park. I called him no answer and left a voice mail. Now it's two days later. I have not heard from him. Why would he go to such lengths to make two dates and then not follow up? Can you please explain to me what is going on? Sooooo Confused DEAR CONFUSED: This man is clearly a doofus who is either so flummoxed by modern technology or so lame he would use an excuse leftover from 1995 to explain himself. (My PC crashed? Puh-leeze.) Most likely, he has received a better online offer and is dumping you in order to follow up on it. Remove him from your "buddy list." Otherwise, do nothing. If he contacts you, begs and sends a chauffeured limo, you could consider going out with him, but if you do agree to meet him, bring a book. There is a fair chance that he won't show. DEAR AMY: I am replying to a letter from "Concerned and Confused." I read the letter and your response as if my own voice was speaking. I, too, was a guy in my early 40s who was deeply in love with a woman who briefly became my fiancee, until I ended the relationship because she wouldn't introduce me to the special people in her life. It speaks volumes about a person's character that she would compartmentalize, hide and fail to introduce her fiance to her "special friend." You told him to "run for the hills." I agree. This guy needs to seek higher ground, gain a better vantage point and check his "vision." This guy deserves better. I know. I was that guy. Icarus DEAR ICARUS: You deserved better, and I certainly hope that you have gotten it. n Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.

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