to be a bit upset that DH wants almost the entirety of my paycheck?

(215 Posts)
izchaz Thu 20-Jun-13 18:27:41

This is likely to be long, so skip if you're not in the mood for an opus:

I have just started a new job after 6 agonising months of waiting for NHS Admin to get their arses into gear and get all my work-ducks in a row. In that time I have not been earning as I was deeply unhappy in my last job, so left as soon as it was confirmed I would be getting my new job (with DH's 100% blessing, he hated my old job more than I did).
When I finished my last job I didn't expect the gap between finishing one and starting the next to be longer than 6 weeks, but it became increasingly protracted as the Admin goalposts got moved time and again.
So for 6 months I have been financially dependent on DH, consequently I have been very frugal, initially living on savings, then on £150 pounds a month that he gave me to cover bills and student loan repayments. At every point in that time I have been feeling guilty and have done everything to keep costs down - I have not socialised or driven my car for 6 months, I ate 1 meal a day when DH was away at work so as to conserve food (until I found out I was pregnant) and have generally been filling my time with free or cheap productive past times.
I am expecting my first paycheck in early July and DH has just announced that I can "keep £250 of it, but I've to pay the rest to him to fill the hole in his finances before the baby comes (after xmas)" this is to go on until I go on matt leave.
Now I'm a first time mum, but from what I've seen of maternity wear etc, I'm not going to be able to cover my commute expenses, feed my ravenous appetite AND suitably clothe myself on £250 a month, not to mention cover my bills etc.
I feel I should add DH makes a little over 20k a year, he owns our house and we live a fairly sparse lifestyle, our major outgoing is his commute, which is about to halve when we move next week, whilst mine will treble to over an hour.

So AIBU to be a bit upset that my first paychecks in 6 months and my last paychecks of relative financial freedom before I become a mum are going to go back to DH? Or should I just be happy that he supported me through the last 6 months and get over "my money" "his money" and just accept that this is the way married life is?

Bearbehind Thu 20-Jun-13 22:20:12

I know this sounds harsh but if you are moving to see more of his mother who has terminal cancer, is it really the right move?

If its terminal, in the not too distant future she won't be around and is it really the place you want to be for the foreseeable?

It all seems a bit knee-jerk and self centred on his part to me. Renting to be closer to her is one the but buying somewhere is quite another.

DoJo Thu 20-Jun-13 23:00:26

I haven't read any of the OP's other threads, so am a bit confused about the references to them including affairs etc, but it sounds to me as though the situation is as much of OP's making as her husband. Surely nobody actually buys 'meals' in a way that there is only enough to prepare two dinners every night for a week, so if the OP was choosing not to eat and choosing not to mention that to her husband, then surely we can't blame him for not noticing that the food wasn't being depleted as quickly as one might have expected. I could eat nothing but dust and bogeys for a month and my husband probably wouldn't notice as he doesn't really keep track of what's in the cupboard and assumes that as an adult I will take care of myself so I think there might be an element of martyrdom here which isn't necessarily the OP's fault, but certainly isn't solely her husband's. Same with the jeans - OP have you actually mentioned that you are uncomfortable? Or are you hoping the he will volunteer money for jeans he doesn't know you need? And you won't actually have any guaranteed income, after this 6 month wait for a role at all? The whole set up just makes no sense to me, but I am at a loss as to pinpoint who is responsible for the problems out of the two of you.

OhTiger Thu 20-Jun-13 23:22:58

OP. Spreadsheet. In column, all earnings, out column, all bills.

Whatever is left over is your money. For both of you. You jointly decide what % of that you put aside in savings, and neither of you dip into savings without asking/discussing.

It doesn't matter whose account/jointaccount.

If you propose this and he reacts poorly you should be very worried.

What are your plans for after the baby is born. Will you be a SAHM? Will you go straight back to work? How long a maternity leave will he allow? Who will pay child care costs? Whose responsibility will it be to pick up and drop off at childminder/nursery? Who will take time off work when baby is sick?

Redcliff Fri 21-Jun-13 00:13:19

I am also confused about the people that think the OP's OH is controlling as I know that I am in a great and equal relationship and we have done a similar thing. I was out of work for a while on 2 different occasions and my OH filled the hole with his credit card (mainly food shopping). I led a pretty frugal lifestyle (although 3 meals a day there was no going out ect) Now I am working he is keen to pay off his credit card and having looked at my wages he thought that £500 a month was fair (he is paying the same into it each month and doesn't earn as much as I do). This leaves me (after travel and buying lunch) enough for a couple of nights out a month or a new piece of clothing. We both pay into a joint account (although as the higher earner I pay more) and have a separate account each as well. Perhaps it was they way he put it "lets get this thing paid off as quickly as possible" but I think this is fair.

Is this not the same as the OP?

minouminou Fri 21-Jun-13 00:15:38

You were paying some of HIS mortgage while you were working, OP, am I right?
You've paid off, say, several grand, of his debt, contributed to HIS investment, but will get nothing out of it?

You need to be on the deeds stat! Have you proof of these payments?

cerealqueen Fri 21-Jun-13 00:20:50

Strip this right back, he lent you money and now wants you to pay it back, which you shouldn't have to do within a marriage, let alone have the terms of that payback stipulated to you.

minouminou Fri 21-Jun-13 00:22:11

Ask him to balance it against your mortgage contributions.

StuntGirl Fri 21-Jun-13 00:37:54

This situation sounds ridiculously fucked up, and much of it of the OP's own making.

IAgreeCompletely Fri 21-Jun-13 00:58:45

OP how old are you and your DH?

MacaYoniandCheese Fri 21-Jun-13 01:07:00

This is so messed up. If you're in a partnership where you feel the need to have "his" and "hers" finances, them you shouldn't be together in the first place. Yikes.

ZacharyQuack Fri 21-Jun-13 05:27:24

I really don't understand the food thing.

He was in full time employment, you weren't. You had a job lined up so you didn't need to spend any time job hunting. No children, two cars.

Why was he the one doing the food shopping?

Surely it would make more sense for you to do it, as it sounds like you had plenty of free time. If you combined the weekly grocery budget with the money he was spending on buying breakfast and lunch every day, you would have had plenty of money to buy enough food for you both to eat three meals a day. Did you ever discuss this with him?

You're married, not flatmates. You're supposed to be a team, not every man for himself.

To be honest I think it's very sad that a grown up person would feel unable to tell her husband that he wasn't buying enough food.
That's what bothers me about this.

DH and I have been skint. There have been periods of time over the last 16 years when one of us was not working. There was the time when we were both out of work at the same time.
We had to budget hard, we had to cut back on stuff, do basic shopping etc.
but we did it together

We worked out our incomings and outgoings, worked out how much we had to spend on food and made sure that within that budget, everyone could eat.

Yes, I suppose in a way, you could say that the ops DH is being sensible, trying to get the money back and build up a bit of security and that of course it's only right that the OP contributes a certain percentage to the running of the house.

But. It's not healthy, surely to not be able to say "you didn't buy enough food for lunch, can you get bread and cheese on the way home?"
It's not healthy to be told how much of your money you are allowed to keep.
If the OP and her DH went through all the finances, worked out how much the bills etc were, and how much they had left as personal spending money then that is different.

But it reads as though the DH has decided this without any discussion or agreement.

Morloth Fri 21-Jun-13 06:21:57

So what, when you get right down to it is in it for you?

Why are you in this relationship?

It sounds messed up.

I don't understand relationships where it is just so unequal, I can get my head around wanting separate finances (though hell would freeze over before I agreed to it) but some of the things mentioned on here just blow my mind.

Snog Fri 21-Jun-13 07:06:37

Communication between the two of you is truly appalling.
You can't make decent arrangements between you about money or even about food. If you have a baby this is likely to get worse not better.
OP your idea of what a relationship is is quite messed up imo. What kind of relationship did your parents have?

nauticant Fri 21-Jun-13 08:19:18

There's one practical reason why you have to put your foot down. This arrangement "is to go on until I go on matt leave". What are the odds that you'll clear your "debt" and when you go on maternity leave he'll have the mindset that you're building up another "debt"?

If you can't get him to accept that he should behave as a partner in your marriage, you need to be seeing a solicitor.

LIZS Fri 21-Jun-13 08:47:59

This whole issue is only going to become more problematic once you have the baby. Presumably a zero hours contract and having had a 6 months ' gap may rule you out of claiming much other than possibly MA. You'll get Child Benefit and maybe some Tax credits(although it will be Universal Credit by then) but will he hold on to all that too , as security against your "debt" for not earning. Why were you paying your student loan when not earning btw, I thought you had to be earning a minimum amount?

Looking from the outside in he is very controlling and I really am not sure how he is going to cope with the financial and practical ups and downs of life with a baby in the household. Can you cope with the living on eggshells and frugality this may demand to maintain the status quo. Please try to resolve this before then .

munchkinmaster Fri 21-Jun-13 09:07:21

I think things haven't been very clear. The op said that the £150 and £250 were for food and bills. Later this is clarified as lunch at work, mobile and car insurance. I'm guessing the op will also be doing 3 shifts a week so not many lunches at that. I think this puts a different spin on it.

Also at times the husband is frittering the money then it is clarified he is using to pay of debt accrued.

If the husband is on 20k and takes home 1100 per month and the op used to contribute £500 toward bills mortgage and food when she worked before. If he paid the same that puts their fixed out goings at £1000 a month. So maybe they were both living on £150 per month? Without knowing how much husband was surviving on its hard to know what to think.

So now they have £2000 coming in, £1000 on basics. Maybe they each are getting £250 and £500 to pay off the debt?

I have no idea, maybe he is a controlling bastard. Maybe he is not but I don't feel we have the whole story.

Also couldn't you have got a bit of temp work in the 6 months?

It also sounds Like op has gotten a job on a healthcare assistant bank rota so may get no shifts at all. I wouldn't quit a job for that.

I think poor communication and poor planning are at the heart of this and with the best will in the world op, this needs sorting as things will not get better with a baby in the mix.

slug Fri 21-Jun-13 11:49:33

DH and I have been through periods of unemployment, stints as SAH Parents, maternity leave etc during our 12 years of marriage. We have a little rule. The first pay in a new job after a work break does not go into the family pot. It's all theirs to do with what they want. Usually this consists of getting a haircut and new clothes/shoes for the new job. Inevitably most of the pay ends up in the family pot anyway, but it's nice after some austerity to feel back in control and flush for a short time.

Oblomov Fri 21-Jun-13 12:11:38

I can't get my head round this either.
Op didn't need to tell her dh that she was only eating one meal. If the man has eyes, he would have realised this, without being told. He did the food ordering. He opens the fridge, he can see what has been eaten since... yesterday, this morning etc. Its not the krypton factor. Its kind of there, in your face.

StuntGirl Fri 21-Jun-13 12:38:19

I agree the relationship and communication here sounds very...odd.

Why do you feel indebted to him?

Why did you feel so indebted that you felt unable to tell him you were starving yourself to save money? Did he make the same sacrifice?

If he lost his job would you count ever penny he 'owed' and work put a repayment plan for him?

If your child is born with some disability/illness resulting in one of you being unable to continue work would this 'owing money' thing continue?

When you quit your job did you, together, have a financial plan in place?

When it became obvious it was not going to be 6 weeks did you, together, work out a Plan B for your new situation?

Do you have a budget at all? How is 'his' financial situation, since everything is separate?

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid Fri 21-Jun-13 12:46:31

I don't think the OP will be back. I think the replies on this thread would make difficult reaing for her. I hope it gets her to have a good think about her situation.
She has only been with her Dh two years and he had a affair before and after they were married and she couldn't tell him she was only eating one meal a day shock
The house ownership and the money issues are more reasons that something is very wrong.
It is a very sad situation.

mumeeee Fri 21-Jun-13 12:53:11

I'm another one who can't get my head round this situation. My marriage doesn't work like that. DH and. I both work and our wages go into a joint account which we are both able to access when we want, We also have other separate savings accounts, I was a SAHM for a long time when my children were small so DH was supporting me and it would never have crossed his mind that I owed him money and needed to pay it back.

recall Fri 21-Jun-13 12:55:55

You should counter by charging him to carry his unborn child around in your body for 9 months !

recall Fri 21-Jun-13 12:56:22


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