Paint Color Names Reach Dangerous New Heights of Absurdity

It's not exactly news that a lot of house paint colors have wacky names. But they have apparently become even more wacky as paint companies become increasingly desperate to sell to a U.S. homeowner population so behind on their mortgage payments they're papering their walls with free subway newspapers.

To give you an example of how out-of-control paint names have become: What color do you think "Hey There!" is? Maybe a bright orange or something? That's a real color name by Ace Paint. Thing is, that name is enough to make us steer clear of the paint, because, no matter how nice it looks, whenever you have guests over and they ask what color your walls are you're going to have to say, "Hey There!" And then some annoying "Who's On First?"-style hijinks will ensure.

GUEST: "Wow, I really like the the new kitchen paint job! What color is it?"
YOU: "Hey there!"
GUEST: "Huh…? I'm right here?"
YOU: "No, Hey there!"
GUEST 2: "You talkin' to me?"

There is also a color called "Tornado," which seems even more likely to cause tragic misunderstandings.

GUEST: "Wow, what color is your living room?"
YOU: "Tornado!"
GUEST: "Dear God, we're all going to die! Everyone into the basement!"

[Two minutes later, in the basement]

GUEST: "I really like your basement. What color are the walls?
YOU: "Flash Flood."
GUEST: "Dear God, we're all going to die! Everyone back into the living room!"

[Repeat until everyone collapses from exhaustion]

So, yeah, we'll stick to the primary colors, thank you very much. The bedroom will be red, the kitchen, yellow, the bathroom blue, like a goddamn Roy Lichtenstein painting. [NYT, image via Shutterstock]