The jokes you sent us

We asked you to send in original, topical jokes. Some were original, some were topical. And some were even rather funny . . .


British cyclist Bradley Wiggins cut back on big breakfasts in his bid to win the Tour de France. "After all," he said, "in France, one egg is un oeuf." williamsbach

My phone's predictive text is stuck on Australian. When I try to type "Lords", it comes up with "loser". davelee

That Andy Murray must be making a mint. Watchman123


Rising unemployment? That's just idle talk. Punbelievable

What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a brand new Porsche. RobbyBobson

Welcome to recession sports day. First event is the sack race. You're all sacked! griblit

A man gets stuck in traffic near parliament. He asks a police officer what the hold-up is, and is told: "The prime minister is so depressed about the UK's debt that he's stopped his car and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself alight." "What are you going to do?" asks the man. "We're putting together a collection for him," says the officer. "How much have you got?" asks the man. "About 40 gallons," says the officer. MattPage

The follow-up to The Thick Of It and In the Loop will be set in the chancellor of the exchequer's office. It's called In the Thick Poop. PoorButNotAChav


Every second soldier in Afghanistan is given a new helicopter. Dave and Barry take theirs for a spin and Dave says to Barry: "If I turn this helicopter upside-down, do you think we'll fall out?" Barry replies: "Of course not, Dave. We'll always be friends." demondeegan

Swine flu

I logged on to the internet to find out more about swine flu but my computer warned me I was downloading a virus. StokeyMark

I called the swine flu advice line and all I got was crackling. dstock

Swine flew? I find that hard to believe. boneoss

There's a rumour going round that the NHS is handing out anti-swine flu soap. It's hog-wash. tiga007

Got swine flu? Save someone's bacon – stay at home until you're cured. Mimms


There's a new film coming out called Harry Wizard. He's a potter. simon3862

Russell Brand had a nightmare – he was being chaste. relativetotruth


Berlusconi has angered Fiat workers in Italy by suggesting that Ford makes better cars. He says he prefers an Escort. Simgeo


I read in the paper that someone mugged a dwarf. How could anybody stoop that low? supaflytnt


Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Change? IndigoDavei


Jesus is on Twitter but he only has 12 followers. Autismo

Moon landings

Astronaut: "Houston, we have a problem."

Houston: "What?"

Astronaut: "The Russians painted the moon red!"

Houston: "Well, do you guys have white paint with you?"

Astronaut: "Yes. Why?"

Houston: "Write Coca-Cola on it." Davini994

Cheese (and tofu)

Which cheese would you use to entice a grizzly down from a mountain? Camembert. What cheese would you use for hiding small horses? Mascarpone. indrossi

What do you call a cheese factory in the Middle East? Cheeses of Nazareth. supaflytnt

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese. dizzyisanegg

I've just realised that tofu is overrated. It's literally just a curd to me. Simgeo

Not very topical at all

I went to the zoo the other day and all I saw was a small dog. It was a shihtzu. simon3862

Did you know a radioactive cat has 18 half-lives? Bellisner

Recent research has shown that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy. Inchy

Heard about the judge with no fingers? Justice Thumbs. CmdrDeLavel

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and the other to hold his penis. I mean ladder. jglitter

Competition: Go on. Make us laugh

Have you got what it takes to get a crowd going? Then enter our YouTube standup competition. Impress our judging panel, which includes standup Sarah Millican and Guardian comedy critic Brian Logan, and you could win a trip to Edinburgh to record a routine for the Guardian Live podcast in front of a studio audience. Just film yourself being funny for five minutes – it can be standup or a sketch – and post the clip on the Guardian's YouTube channel. Deadline is Friday 14 August.