We have sex up to four times a day, but sometimes my boyfriend can't climax

You needn't orgasm every time. In fact, deliberately avoiding it can heighten pleasure, says Pamela Stephenson Connolly

Me and my boyfriend are in a very happy, exciting relationship. We have been together less than a year but are making plans for our future. We are 22 and 24 and have sex two to three, sometimes even four times a day. We are worried because perhaps one in three times my boyfriend has trouble ejaculating. There is no problem with an erection, or with maintaining it, and I don't think he doesn't find our love-making a turn-on! He simply can't seem to orgasm and we don't understand why. He does smoke (I don't), and we enjoy a drink in the evening. Could this be affecting him or are we just enjoying each other too often?

Smoking and drinking are more likely to affect erectile ability, so it may just be the frequency. But it's very important not to think of this as a problem. Your sex life is one many people would envy so don't turn it into a disorder. Try to avoid being goal-oriented about sex. If you are prioritising ejaculation you are putting pressure on each other, which can create problems. Instead, slow down and focus on enjoying all the sensations and the giving and receiving of pleasure. Neither of you really has to reach orgasm each time you make love. In fact, you might experience heightened pleasure by deliberately avoiding orgasm (only reaching the brink) the first few times. This is a tantric technique; try it and you may find the eventual orgasms are truly extraordinary.


Send your problem to private.lives@guardian.co.uk