When last we left feisty luncher, Peter King, he was lauding Andrew Luck for having lofty turnover amnesia, which is true. If he didn’t immediately forget all the ones he had against the Chiefs, it wouldn’t be so easy to have a handful more against the Patriots. But what about this week? After the Denver and New England won and Cam lost, you knew it would be brutal. Possibly because Peter King is always brutal. But does he deliver a clutch postseason-worthy terrible column? To find out, READ ON.

And right away…


Ugh, Christ, that title. It presages all the horrible smugness to come. It makes me want to stab my eyes with barbecue skewers.

To suggest that Manning-Brady conference title game is the way the AFC should end means any other conclusion is wrong. It’s suggesting the playoffs are only a means by which the league is preventing itself for reaching its rightful conclusion.


Naturally, this leads to one of those PK exercises in pointlessness where he tries to compare things that are inherently subjective and unquantifiable. In this case, it’s which conference title weekend lead the league in compelling storylines.

This is starfucking winning out, as it always does in MMQB. If Manning-Brady postseason contests have taught us anything, it’s that they’re not always all that fantastic to watch. The ’06 AFC Championship was the only of the three that turned out to be a great game.

In 1998, Atlanta-Minnesota and Jets-Broncos had lost just nine total losses coming in, but Chandler-Cunningham and Testaverde-Elway just doesn’t have the ring of this weekend’s matches.

The ’98 NFC Title Game was amazing. Who gives a shit if Chris Chandler wasn’t a huge name?


How are you defining what teams should be here? Really, whatever teams win in the playoffs – barring massive officiating blunders are the ones that should advance. If you go by regular season results, the Panthers were a higher seed than the Niners and therefore should be better, but they have a glory boy quarterback that PK holds a grudge against, so it’s only right they were sent packing.




Who do you pick between these wildly different directing styles? Those are the most conference championship of movie directors. Everyone knows Scorsese is the Super Bowl.

Between Fenway and Wrigley?


Bird and Magic?

Race or being from Boston, probably.

You decide. I can’t.

Such a PK thing to posit a false choice, as though the games are on at the same time and fans actually have to choose between them, and then be unable to make up his mind.

We’ll see which New England team shows up: the one that’s consistently been reliant on Brady’s right arm for this century, or the one that’s suddenly a power running team.

Didn’t their last Super Bowl winning team feature a power running attack with Corey Dillon? 30 years of perspective, people.


YOU SPENT THE LAST MONTH EXCLAIMING HOW HIS TOUCHDOWN RECORD ASSURES HIS PLACE IN HISTORY WITH THE GREATEST SEASON FOR A QB EVER! It’s been fun watching the Peyton defenders putting up preemptive defenses against TEH HATERZ in case Manning loses at some point.

Also, Peyton in 2033 will be commanding the android army driving humanity into servitude so we might as well get our laughs in now.

The Schneider Factor.


This is actually a section about what a good job the Seahawks GM has done, but Peter included this intro about how he got to walk into the Seattle locker room postgame. A lesson that you’re never too old to gush about access like a 12-year-old fanboy.


Dicks… as far as the eye could see!


So a standard locker room environment? LOFTY NUGGET.



Such as?


The Seahawks innovative charm-based scouting has quickly become the envy of the league. Soon, the Wonderlic will be replaced with a 10-minute charm exam where players must literally blow the pants off front office people with such magnetic phrases as GO HAWKS!


SEE HOW AWESOME HE IS BEFORE IMMEDIATELY GETTING HURT! If you can overpay looking impressive in practice, you do it!


“He won’t play it safe, except for the philosophy of playing it safe and smart that I was just complimenting him for.”


Brady flashed his million dollar grin at the defense and they were frozen in place for minutes?


He said, describing a 53-yard pass play.


Not at all.

But is it even close?

Not even close.



A pragmatist’s defense of cheating.


In which Peter King congratulates the Patriots ground attack by praising everyone but the players involved in said ground attack.


So he’s been screaming GLAVEN on the sideline this whole time?


You see, Pete Carroll’s 9/11 conspiracies DO come in handy!


So intimate is PK’s relationship with Battleship Manning that PK can relay the thoughts that Peyton dare not speak. One day, Peyton will admit to them, with enough alcohol, mood lighting and Papa John’s. Peter’s heart and his loins cry for that day.

Some Saintly thoughts.


Oh good, because otherwise you’re saying that you’re only deigning to cover a playoff team as a favor to your incompetent editor. Though I wouldn’t put that by you.

Brees to Colston on an out to the right, gain of 13, Colston looks like he’ll go out of bounds … and he, incredulously, pauses with eight seconds left and throws a forward pass, about five yards ahead of him, all the way across the field. So, instead of having seven or eight seconds left at the Seahawks’ 36, with a chance for one quick completion to the sideline and then a shot into the end zone, Colston throws an illegal forward pass and the game is over because on the ensuing penalty there’s a 10-second runoff. It was clear in the locker room after the game that no one had any idea why Colston threw that pass. Let’s recap: With 24 seconds left and trailing 23-15 with 59 yards to gain against a very good defense, your chances are not good. But you should have four plays if you’re smart. Maybe five. New Orleans got three off, and one was a spike. I’m still shaking my head over the mismanagement, a day and a half later.

I imagine PK spends most of his tike shaking his head in judgment while not offering viable alternatives.






That’s a fair comparison, provided designing pass plays down the field to your tight end is as easy as telling your quarterback to hand the ball off.



Wait, so you’re stopping just short of accusing Jimmy Graham of dogging it the entire game yet you’re criticizing the Saints for not having him on the field enough? FUCK YOU.

Fine Fifteen


Far be it from me to go out of my way to defend the Charmslinger, but this seemed like a pretty good play.


CenturyLink Field is noisy because they built it a certain way. This isn’t a chicken or egg thing.

/PK thinks eggs come from noise


“Yes, too bad, defenders of SCAM NEWTON. What fun you all had criticizing me. But you had to know that yours was not among the SHOULDA teams.”


Sequencing is important.


What’s that? Why should teams replace kickers when FIELD GOALS ARE TOOOOO EASY.

10. Indianapolis (12-6). Sorry to drop you down into the netherworld here, Colts fans. But any team that allows 44 and 43 points in back-t0-back postseason games must be punished. You’re lucky I didn’t drop the Colts out of here entirely for Luck’s Amish neckbeard.

Yet no punishment for millionaire sportswriters who spell “to” with a zero.

14. Pittsburgh (8-8). Any doubt the Steelers paid the right receiver? Antonio Browns: 110 catches, 1,499 yards, eight touchdowns. That’s gotten lost in the postseason folderol but shouldn’t have.

Yes, the fact that the 8-8 Steelers two years ago gave a long-term deal to Antonio Brown and not Mike Wallace is something that had sadly got lost in the shuffle of a postseason that the Steelers didn’t make.

Quotes of the Week



No way this wasn’t the result of Peyton getting an endorsement deal with Bud.

“Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee.”


Thanks for the recap of a news story that has been everywhere, a week later. That’s why PK remains the no. 1 news source for 65-year-olds who hate backward baseball caps and jungle music.

Craziest day of weather in my 56 years on earth Wednesday:

Here we go.



Indeed. Any country that affords a fucking moron who didn’t realize that there might be a weather change in a city 1,100 miles north of LA the ability to make more money than most people will ever see is the envy of the world.


Pretty much what your column sounds like if I were malicious enough to read it out loud.


Only giveaway that it wasn’t him: he didn’t down roadies the entire ride.

Tweets of the Week



This assumes that TV writers get paid daily and that they get more money for a one-day spike in ratings. And never mind that NPR got pretty of good fodder from the same story.

Ten Things I Think I Think



Wasted opportunity. He’s better for trolling purposes the next time they play the Redskins at home. Not that he’ll busy then or anything.


Because an NFL team that does something well want to make sure that the rest of the league can do it well too!




Because PK has been made aware that’s a racist shithead to Cam and SI probably had a long talk with him about it, he must now follow up any gushing about Carolina’s defense with:


For some reason I saw visions of schools being forcibly integrated when I read that sentence.


So long as it’s in a newspaper, it’ll only be seen by people old enough to appreciate Dierdorf’s platitude salad.




You heard it: terrible coaching decisions are essentially a wash if you’re contrite about it after the game. Media reasoning!

c. You’ve got to make that interception, Kam Chancellor.



You’ve got to eat to shit and die, Peter King.


JUNK. UBER JUNKY JUNK. Lofty placement after three straight items shitting on people for mistakes.


Because that certainly will never happen in the Niners-Seahawks game next week. Isn’t that part of what makes it compelling?


A penalty that cost them 15 meaningless yards on a kickoff with, like, 20 seconds left in the half.


Because Harbs doesn’t erupt once per quarter on gamedays. FOR SHAME, REFS.


So John Schneider’s trade for Percy Harvin is a mistake that he heroically defends, which is just a testament to his greatness, but Mickey Loomis’ legacy is ruined forever for his bad trade?


Of course you don’t.


AND the rules clearly dictate the votes must be influenced by petty grudges and political bullshit. It’s right there in writing.


“Silence is preferable to hearing the voice of the – ugh – people.”




Textbook PK straw man. The only criticism anyone has about the NFL HOF process is from homers decrying the denial of players they love.


“And that’s why I should be in the Hall! I lead the league in selfless sacrifice!”


And this is PK putting out feelers to HOF candidate representatives that they better step up their gift game if they want to get their client into the Hall.





It’s called royal blue and it’s hardly unique to the Maple Leafs.


And can you fuck right off with him?


I feel like that thought will be lost in the constant celebration that you’re gone.


Some KSK readers were pushing for us to highjack the charity drive and “win” the right to have lunch with PK. We considered it briefly, but the problem is that even if we raised the most money, PK would likely just ban us anyway. We figured we could get around that by pledging the money we raise to a society for the preservation of ethics in journalism if indeed we got banned. While that’s a nice fuck you, the chance that KSK might win presents even more of a danger because I don’t want to actually have lunch with Peter King. Holy shit, reading his bullshit is bad enough. You want me to watch PK chugging Allagashs until he passes out in his nutmeg pasta? Fuck that. Also, I’m too lazy to set it up.


Pity the next Starbucks barista he has to deal with in New York. “Um, excusssssseeeee me, I know you have a line of 20 people behind me, but I couldn’t help but notice you didn’t make my macchiato the original Starbucks way. Now do it over or I’m getting your name and shaming you to the entire football world.”



But Manny’s Pale Ale, from the little but influential Georgetown Brewing Company here, is my go-to ale up here and it didn’t disappoint.

“Haha, fuck you, Mary Beth, alcohol is my real family.”

j. Tina Fey is ridiculously funny.

Steve Serby must write her stuff!

The Adieu Haiku

Tom-Peyton 15.
There are no new angles. So …
Can they play today?

You know, they sure can!
Goodell wants back-to-back games
And He will have it