2 of the loves of my life are in the picture at the same time. Need your thoughts!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012
Mon, 08-05-2013 - 10:17pm

Heey all, for any of you that have read my previous posts - I was mainly talking about a guy that I was dating and didn't have feelings for, and an ex from a few years ago that I contacted recently (let's call him guy A). So quick update: I ended things with the guy I was seeing because I didn'tn feel the connection. I'm still flirting with guy A - we talk about the "good times" and he said a few times that I met him at the wrong time in life and he had wrong ideals about relationships back then. Since it's super long distance, I don't really have much hopes of it going anywhere. Besides, he's just out of a long term relationship. The main reason I'm in touch with him is because he's the one that got away. And I have always wondered if things would be different if we met up now. So.... he's visiting me! I have waited and waaiited and waited but never thought this would ever happen! But like I said, I'm keeping my hopes low because he does live half way across the country from me. My friends tell me he's most definitely in it for a fling, and I think I agree with them as well. 

Time for a plot twist. My life is like a dramatic novel. My immediate ex and me had stayed friends since the break up 6 months ago (we didn't talk for a few months, but we kept in touch letting each other know if something major was going on in our lives), although the last time we saw each other in person was during the breakup (this is the guy that had doubts about our relationship and dumped me out of the blue when we were almost ready to move in together because he "wasn't sure" I was the right partner for him because he had vastly different political views and religious beliefs (even though we never fought about these issues) - let's call him guy B). Me and him are best friends and he isn't really "close" to anyone else other than me... So anyway, we met up last night for some NSA fun - that was the deal. He knew I was talking to other people. But the minute he found out I've actually been dating other people and how guy A is visiting me, he got super jealous (he's only been jealous ONCE throughout our entire relationship! So that reaction was so weird coming from him) and he thinks maybe we should give our relationship another shot and he feels like he really lost me for good. I told him I can't trust him not to break up with me again if we were to get back together, so I didn't want to do that. He said he hadn't dated anyone since me and him broke up and that he took the break up really hard (even though he broke up with me!). The reason I started talking to other people, and reached out to guy A was because I knew me and guy B were over for good. Hearing him say all those things was hard, but I'm really wanting to see guy A. Whether or not it goes anywhere, it doesn't matter. 

Am I doing anything wrong? Is it crazy meeting up with guy A even though we might just be doing it for the fling? I'm single, right? What's the harm? Right now I'm looking at 2 of the only men I've loved in all my life. The first one who was the "what if" (guy A). The second one, the guy who I pictured a future with - except he kept breaking up with me and hurting me (he broke up with me a total of 3 times, although the first two times we got back together within a couple of weeks). As much as I want to get back together with guy B, I have to meet up with guy A first. I can't just let guy B think that he can break up and get back together with me whenever he likes. He has this thought in his head that I'll always be his (at the same time he broke up with me because he wanted to find someone better compatible for him!). My friend said if I want to get back together with guy B, I should ask guy A to cancel his trip. Now you might ask me if my motivation for meeting up with guy A is to make guy B jealous - my answer would be - no. Like I said, I just have to have closure with this guy. And I think meeting him would help with that.... and if there's nothign there, and if guy B is still single, maybe it will make us stronger, no? Or am I too delirious? 

I have no idea what to think right now. And when did my life get so dramatic?! Please give me a second person's perspective on things!!! :)

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006

Honestly, I don't give either of these relationships much of a chance. I don't mean to sound harsh.

When people break up, it's usually for a reason. And time and distance changes people. You and Mr. A may be fondly remembering the good old days, but it could be quite different when you get together. And I agree with your friends: he's looking for a fling. If you're up for it, go ahead. But I've heard a lot of women say that, only to become hopelessly obsessed with the guy. And if things go great, then what? Will either of you relocate to be together? 

As to Mr. B: he broke up with you three times because he didn't think you were compatible? Why are you even still talking to him?

You might want to take a little break from dating anyone right now. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013

I agree with FloridaGirl. People deal with problems in different ways. Some partners think you're important enough to try and make it work with communication or counseling or changing behaviors. Some partners flee because you weren't important enough to stick around for. As Dr. Phil said recently on a show about divorcing and marrying the same partner, only an extremely small percentage of the time will it work out, because the couple tries again and then things fall apart and they say, "Oh, now I remember." 

Guys will communicate or try to get together so often with exes that it's an expected behavior a lot of the time. The guy gets lonely and he doesn't have a sex partner or gf at the time, so why not hook up with the ex? It's exciting, a boost to the ego, and they get free sex without the daily commitment of a long term commitment.

You call these men the loves of your life? Men who so easily dropped you like a hot potato, and one who did it 3 or 4 times? I'm sure they're cute and sexy and fun, but they are lacking in the long term commitment area. You can find a man who is cute, sexy and fun AND wants to build a beautiful life with you. The secret to finding him is to quickly cut the loser loose so you can find "the one." And yes, having sex with a man makes a woman want to bond with him because of hormones that are released in her during the sex act. It's nothing you can control, so you will start having feelings for a guy, even if he's not good for you. Make sure your brain and your heart work together for a better result in the dating world. Good luck.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  Guy B is a disaster.  He will never be good.  Even as aFWB or Booty Call he will be a pain as he is jealous.  That means RUN away fast and do not revisit.  Jealousy is a very dangerous emotion.  It indicates he has issues that will be even more pronounced when he thinks he "has" you.  You do not need a personal "Stockholm syndrome".


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012

I understand guy B has issues. He told me so himself when we met up this week. That's why I really don't want to get back together with him - at least not right now. He seemed pretty broken that day. I've never seen him like that actually. But now that I'm reading all these comments, I guess maybe it's never a good idea to get back together with him. I was his first serious gf - so my train of thought is, maybe he hasn't dated enough to know what he wants out of a relationship? I told him I wanted him to date other girls and figure it out. He said the main reason he broke up wtih me was because we had different political and religious beliefs and that could cause problems later in life - he wants to find someone who is exactly like him. I don't think he realizes how hard it is to have a relationship like ours - the entire time we were together, we never had a fight that rose from religious or political indifferences. But he is afraid once we have children it would be a problem. And he said that's why he broke things off with me (while me on the other hand thinks that anything can be worked out with compromise). He comes from a broken family (no I'm not trying to use that as an excuse or trying to justify his actions), hates his dad and was brought up by his single mom, who he pretty much provides for right now. Maybe he's afraid of making a commitment? Either way, I have no immediate plans of getting back together with him - that too only if I notice major changes in him.

In response to Xxxs, guy B was jealous, but he kept saying "I shouldn't be feeling like this, right? Because I broke it off with you. This is karma.". He wasn't agressive or anything. He was pretty accepting. 

In response to Safire1023 - I agree guy B did drop me like hot potato. But guy A really did try to stick on and fought hard to be with me. I did to him what guy B is doing to me - I kept breaking up with him (that's sort of why I'm empathetic to Guy B and kept giving him chances). Guy A was my first bf and I was so insecure, I kept breaking up with him the minute something went wrong. But he kept saying we could work things out. He told me he loved me, but I never said it back to him even though I knew without a doubt that I was madly in love with him. I was young back then and didn't know how to handle my emotions. So the final time we had a fight, he called it quits. That's why I kind of want to meet up with him again. But at the same time, I somehow feel like I am keeping an open mind - he lives too far away, I do understand this could very well be a fling. 

In reponse to Floridagirl52 - If things go great with guy A, I actually wouldn't mind relocating after a while. My job is fairly flexible, and I don't really have too many strong connections where I currently live as I'm fairly new to where I currently live as well. As for why I'm still talking to guy B - I enjoy the companionship. Sounds silly, but it keeps me going. Like I said, I didn't speak to him for months after the breakup. Now I'm kinda ok with being "just friends" with him. Although that one night we met up was the only time we were "not friends" since the break up. I was good about keeping things NSA that day, but he kept wanting to "talk about things" and got emotional.

Idk. I just feel like I can't let someone new into my life right now. I really did try for a while - and at that point I wasn't in touch with any of my ex's. But I just couldn't do it. I have so many unanswered questions in my head flying around. So my plan of action right now - meet up with guy A, see if there's something there. If not, keep meeting new people. And guy B - I don't know where he stands right now. Bad plan of action??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

[quote=safire1023]<p>>Guys will communicate or try to get together so often with exes that it's an expected behavior a lot of the time. The guy gets lonely and he doesn't have a sex partner or gf at the time, so why not hook up with the ex? It's exciting, a boost to the ego, and they get free sex without the daily commitment of a long term commitment.</p><p>

This sounds like something my friend is going through.  She got divorced from a guy about 30 yrs ago (they are in their 60's now).  After that she had a BF for 18 yrs until he passed away.  Her ex remarried twice--the first wife was the woman he left my friend for--she died.  Then he married DW3 I guess not that long ago and they are having a not so amicable divorce.  So when all this divorce stuff started happening he used my friend as a shoulder to cry on--it's not that odd that they would see each other since they have kids & grandchildren together.  But then they started going out to dinner, out dancing, etc.  I was kind of concerned that he just figured it was easier going back to DW1 instead of trying to meet someone new (another friend found him on a dating site).  Of course my friend started to fall for him again and she talked about sleeping over his house so you can guess what happened and now he started acting cold to her and she's a mess.  So it seems like it was just a convenience for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2012

hmmm I see what you're saying. That so sad about your friend. Hope she's ok :-/ why do guys do that??!

I could see myself falling for this guy if we kept hanging out. Since he lives so far away, it would take a lot of time, money and effort for us to keep seeing each other and get attached... as of how things are going right now, we don't talk that often - we just exchange a few texts a day. No real chance of getting attached.

But hey, if I do get attached and he turns cold, I will be sure to come back here and tell you aaalll about it. ;)