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Can't get passed it
An_240383 posted:
My sister was killed in a car accident back in May of this year. It was unexpected and tragic. We have a family business, so my parents and other siblings work together every day. She was with us all afternoon, and left at 5:00 P.M. Just as I made it home, my mother called me saying my sister had been in an accident. My initial thought was "Oh, goodness. What now?" since she had a reputation for wrecking vehicles. My mom just kept saying "they say it's bad!" It has been almost five months now. I can't get passed it. I want to. I have occasional good days, but not many. I also have five children, so I know I need to pull it together. They are starting to see that I am not hanging out with them as much. I don't want them to see me so upset, but I think I'm hurting them in the long run. They just seem so innocent. I'm sure they think of her, but they don't bring her up in fear they will upset me...not sure. I can't really afford to see a therapist. I have good insurance, but copays add up, and like I said, I have five kids. Can someone help me? I'm not sure exactly what I am looking for, but something has to give. I think about her all the time. I even see her in my dreams....
momuv4girls responded:
I am so sorry about your sister, your grieving is healthy, but working through it can be difficult for some.

Since you do have insurance, I urge you to seek out a psychologist who can listen to you and coach you on coping strategies to help make life easier.

Sure, copayments add up over time, but you're worth it - and your family is worth it. If this were one of your 5 children struggling everyday, would you send them to a psychologist? I bet you would. You owe it to yourself and your family to seek an outsiders help. Its nothing to be ashamed of, or "weak" to see a Dr.

I wish I had learned years ago how healthy it is to seek support.
Look through your insurance policy online or get help from your agent to find a list of Dr.s who take your insurance. Call around and find one who is a good fit.

Don't wait, do it today, and you'll feel better. Take care dear, and again, I'm sorry for your loss.
An_240383 replied to momuv4girls's response:
Thank you so much Kathleen. Your reply has brought me to tears, and I appreciate the hugs. You are right. If it were one of my kids I would do it. I suppose I get caught up in putting me last that I didn't think of it like that. I am the kind to bottle things up and not deal with them right then. There is too much going on around me, and too much I have to do. Of course, that is when I find myself like this. I have so many questions. Why? Why her? Why now? When will the pain not feel like a sharp knife to the heart/stomach/throat? When will I not cry at the drop of a hat when her name is mentioned? My husband says I can't ask those questions, but why can't I? It just hurts so bad and there is nothing I can do to change it. Looking back on my words I guess I do need to seek help. I'm not necessarily ashamed, it is just hard to find the time to see a doctor. All five of my children are involved in a sport, tutoring, or some kind of after school activity. I wish there was something I could do online.

Thanks so much for your concern. Just knowing someone else out there understands is already a big help.
momuv4girls replied to An_240383's response:
You are so very welcome.

As a mother of 4 children, I do understand how difficult it is to fit one more thing in, but if you're not healthy, you can not "give" to your family . . . . you will burn out, be less patient, not be present mentally as you should.

This weekend I went to a great conference on Surviving and recognizing Compassion Fatigue. They talked about secondary grief, and it sounds just like what you are dealing with. (Secondary, meaning you did not witness the accident, but are feeling the affects of your sisters death from the accident).

The Psychologist who put on the conference was amazing, and had a tragic accident happen to her baby at 6months of age. The story was tragic, yet what this Dr. did to turn her life around, and do something positive with her grief is nothing short of amazing.
You may not feel like reading just now, but I would highly suggest you reading her book sometime, I believe you will hold a new perspective on grief.

Here is the link:

Talking with someone is wonderful, and necessary in the healing process, I hope you will find time for yourself and begin to heal.

Janeen82 responded:
I lost my big sister suddenly april of 2010. My brother in law's sister called me on my sisters cell phone. I thought it was her. She said it was Katy, and that my sister had passed away. She had only been in the hospital for like an hour Katy said. We didnt even know she was there. I'd just talked to her two days before it happened and she was doing good. Was beating her depression, almost running 5 miles on the treadmill, her Crohn's disease was better. But I guess the next day she had a perferation in her bowel. The day after that she asked her husband to take her to the hospital. They gave her a med that killed her because they didnt have the proper tools in the ER. I just keep thinking she must have been so scared. And thats how she died, scared. I can't get past it either. She was my best friend I wanted her there when I had my babies, to stand up at my wedding when they said who gives this woman. She was the only person to use my middle name when I did something stupid. And pushed me to be all I could even when I was scared myself. I dont know if I'll even get passed it.
larsstarscanary responded:
How are you feeling now? Were you able to go to therapy?
nlbsc1 replied to Janeen82's response:
Hi. Thank you for responding. I know it is so hard. I haven't been able to get passed it either. March 3rd I have my first session in therapy. I already struggled with anxiety and tension headaches. They have become worse. I've tried reading grief books, but I guess I'm not getting what I'm looking for, which I cannot describe. May 10th will be a year and it feels like yesterday. I think of it quite often. The moment we were in the hospital. They escorted us back to this "special room" where they told us. I have vivid dreams of it. I remember the police officer holding paperwork, and a box where they drew her blood. My parents went back to see her, but I couldn't. I didn't want that to be the last image of her. Now I'm wondering if I should have. My children tip toe around bringing her up, which I know can't be good. My mother is beside herself. Turns out we lost my grandmother in November of last year as well, so she has had a very difficult time. Plus my sister's 29th birthday will be March 7th. Very, very hard. We have a family business and I catch myself staring at the desk she used to sit in. She will never be there again. I've reached the point where I don't reach depression everyday, but then part of me feels guilty about that. Am I forgetting about her? I don't know. It's still very difficult. I completely sympathize with you. I wish I had more comforting words for you, but I'm still learning to cope myself. I only wish you, your heart, and your family peace and strength. Take care
nlbsc1 replied to larsstarscanary's response:
Thank you for asking. I really do not know how I'm feeling. I suppose just existing daily right now. I do have my first therapy session March 3rd. I'm excited about learning to live again. I was always such an outgoing, friendly, fun loving person. Sometimes I feel that part of me was left in her casket.

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