Anarchy in the NHS... and at Ofcom

Secret Confessions Of.../ My Streets/ Popworld/ The Comedy Spinner
Channel 4 Radio

A bracing fight has broken out in radio. Two mean, scrapping gangs are brawling over new turf. It's a bit like WAGs Boutique.

On Wednesday, two different sets of fashion-frigging footballer-fondlers, sorry, consortiums of partners submitted their bids to Ofcom for the UK's second national digital radio complex. Let me translate. The two bidders are 4 Digital (Channel 4 Radio plus chums) and National Grid Wireless. Both want to be allowed to provide a bunch of radio stations on newly freed-up frequencies.

Channel 4 says it will provide 10 stations; and, of those, three are in-house. There's E4 Radio, a spin-off of the TV channel; the speech-based Channel 4 Radio, like a young Radio 4; and the music and culcha-loving Pure 4, a cleverer Radio 1. The other seven include a kids' channel, a rolling news channel and couple of stupid female ones: Closer, which targets women over the age of 30 with old and new chart music (excuse me while I slit my wrists) and Virgin Viva, which does the same for women aged between 15 and 30 (and stick my head in the oven).

NGW have proposed 12 radio channels, including a Christian station, two Asian ones, an adult/album one aimed at the trendy Radio 2 listener and a weird games and competition station. Cheekily, it names two other stations as being provided by Channel 4 Radio, even though it hasn't asked Channel 4 if that's OK. It's not, of course. As soon as it found out, Channel 4 took its ball back and stropped off home, saying, "If NGW win, they can't have our channels." But Ofcom immediately declared such huffing irrelevant. If NGW win and Channel 4 don't want to provide the content for them, then all NGW have to do is find another media partner who will.

Got all that? Have a biscuit and relax. In fact, why not tune into some of Channel 4 Radio's existing content? Of course, it's all podcasty stuff, so you need a computer, but still. Secret Confessions Of..., a new documentary strand that gets workers to spill off-the-record beans by disguising their voices, is a nice idea, well-executed. Its first subject was a nurse. 'I've had patients been sick on me, wee on me, they've hit me, bit me,' she said. None of which stopped this saint wanting to work in the NHS, despite one patient whacking her so hard she ended up on the floor. 'Well, you know not to turn your back on a patient,' said her supervisor.

No, it was the night when she was left in sole charge of an acute wing that changed her mind. Thirty-two seriously ill patients to look after with only a very inexperienced auxiliary to help. One of the patients died. Our heroine applied to do private work after that experience, and I wasn't surprised. Though I was taken aback to hear that she gets exactly the same pay as when she worked for the NHS.

Another Channel 4 Radio strand I enjoy is My Streets, so I was looking forward to 'A Ned's Guide to Glasgow'. Unfortunately, every time I tried to download it, I got a picture of some ravers instead, so I went back to a previous programme in the series, 'A Boy Racer's Guide to Oldham'. It was as touching and funny as ever. 'I've got into the Top 20 Honda cars and I came fifth,' said Usman, before whizzing his car to the mosque. 'I'll just park it in the shade.'

Then there's Popworld, nominated for a Sony award. Alex and Alexa are great presenters, just as lively on radio as telly (though Alexa was away for this week's edition). I liked Alex's rant about how it's no good fancying someone if your minds don't match, 'like Duplo. Or Lego. Or Stickle Bricks.' But it's irritating when interviewees make visual jokes, such as Sister Bliss from Faithless imitating Paul Daniels making faces at her baby (really). It makes Popworld radio seem like the poor relation to the TV show.

Finally, try The Comedy Spinner, which could only work on radio. It's beautifully produced, with strange sounds coming at you all over the place. Unfortunately, it's not that funny. But maybe the laughs will come if Channel 4 win the bid.

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