Others who always have baby in room with them -advice for visiting friend

(55 Posts)
AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 09:01:14

As per the guidance, we are always in the room with sleeping baby. For various reasons I need to do this. So in the evening he sleeps cuddled on me till we all go to bed.

I'm trying to work out what to do if we are visiting friends. I know they have a different approach and will suggest putting him in another room with monitors. How do other people deal with this? It doesn't feel right to get into a whole SIDS guidelines discussion. But how to explain it without?

I feel like that is a right old ramble but I'm confused and I know from another thread there are others like me out there. Which was a relief to find.

AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 21:48:57

I did once leave him sleeping and have a shower. Quickest shower of my life! grin

BonzoDooDah Tue 12-Feb-13 21:53:23

"oh this works fine for us as a family thanks " - great phrase to memorise - Thanks sugarandspite

I'm with you AliceWchild. I was worried about DD and in the evening she slept in the hall in a big pram (which I checked exceedingly regularly) just outside the livingroom door (but in the dark). All my friends thought I was barmy. But I thought STUFF em!

constantnamechanger Tue 12-Feb-13 21:57:15

Alice have you looked on FB for any attachment / gentle parenting groups?

constantnamechanger Tue 12-Feb-13 21:58:09

I never leave my babies alone - and I have 4 - you are not alone.

BillyBollyDandy Tue 12-Feb-13 21:58:38

I am totally the opposite, both my babies were in their own room by 4 weeks.

I would have no problem whatsoever if I had friends who wanted their child, let alone a tiny baby, to sleep in their room. In fact in my house we have 1 spare room so you would have no choice smile

I may worry if someone wanted to try and settle a baby on them during a social evening if there were drinks flying about, from the dp's point of view, but would offer a quiet room if that was an issue.

Don't worry about what people think. We all do it differently, not least because we all have different babies with different personalities and different needs.

AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 22:02:52

Constant yes I'm in my local one and I'd say it loosely how I approach things. Although I don't think I'm proper hardcore.

AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 22:03:51

Billy that's the thing isn't it. Horses for courses. If only everyone saw it that way.

constantnamechanger Tue 12-Feb-13 22:04:54

I'm way from hardcore - I co-sleep and extended breast feed - thats it really - and they are because I find them easier.

5madthings Tue 12-Feb-13 22:06:04

I like the breezy reply idea, oh we find he is more settled with us for now..

I did the same with all my five, up till about 9mths, it just felt right to me.

AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 22:06:56

Yes I find it easier and snugglier too.

comixminx Tue 12-Feb-13 22:11:01

Thanks Alice. My understanding of the guidelines as originally I originally saw them written was that the baby should sleep in the same room as you at night, but not that every nap should be with you in the same room as them (ie I thought the same as Cleo). Nothing I saw at the time spelled out the idea that they should be with you for all naps and to be honest it never even crossed my mind. This NHS page does say that "However, SIDS can also occur when a baby is asleep during the day or, occasionally, while they are awake" so the implication is that you need to be careful during the day but it perhaps rather downplays it. There is a bit on this page which says "Place your baby on their back to sleep from the very beginning, for both day and night sleeps" but otherwise little specific is said about daytime sleeping.

1500, as you say I also understand that there's not that much strong evidence about what actually works and why - I know that the figures for cot death have dropped dramatically since they started giving the current guidelines, but as far as I understand they don't really know what out of the guidelines are the factors that are really making the difference. There are also some anomalies that I've heard of - I think it's something like the fact that Asian families have a low incidence of SIDS but have some widespread cultural practices that are not generally recommended or are even against the recommendations (in the area of co-sleeping). So there's lots that is unknown in this area. One suggestion is that it's down to breathing regulation and so the adult giving a 'model' for breathing would be a positive factor; this sort of thing would suggest that having the baby in the same room as the adult all the time would be definitely beneficial, but I've not seen this expressed as anything other than a plausible idea.

I'm not at all saying this to change the way anyone does anything, but I am interested in how the view has come about that having them sleep with you during the day is an official recommendation. If anyone has any links to forms of words that are stronger than the ones I've seen so far, which to my mind are a bit too vague to form such a recommendation, I'd love to see them!

NannyPlumIsMyMum Tue 12-Feb-13 22:12:30

Ah don't doubt yourself Alice smile.

Ur right - the SIDS - research indicates that the presence of other people in the room can help to stop baby from entering into too deep a sleep. There are other methods too- but that's a different thread.

There is some indication that when some babies get into too deep a sleep - some of them to put it simply ,forget to breathe ... Breathing noise from others helps to prevent that.

Which is partly where the keeping baby in your room advice comes from. Only partly ..

I had lots of advice on this from HPs as our DS indeed did forget to breathe and had breathing difficulties as a baby.

Go with your instincts always .

comixminx Tue 12-Feb-13 22:13:29

Oh wait, another search has found this ("Cot death advice should be followed for both day-time and night-time sleeps, new research finds"). Shutting up now...

5madthings Tue 12-Feb-13 22:14:43

Yes its easier and snugglier and they are only little once smile

AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 22:17:20

It's on your second link comix. Under where should my baby sleep. First sentence says same room day and night. Sorry still on phone so can't copy and paste.

AliceWChild Tue 12-Feb-13 22:24:06

Thanks nanny. I do need to do that. Sorry to hear about your baby.

birdofthenorth Tue 12-Feb-13 22:39:00

I did this and my in laws couldn't help but bark on about the importance of "bedtime". I ignored them. I possibly created a rod for my own back, to be fair, but at for months you're (a) in line with guidelines and (b) best advised to stick to your instincts. Just get on with it and politely refuse any offers of alternative places to settle him.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 12-Feb-13 22:41:19

I thought the point of the baby being in the room with you was that they would hear your breathing and that helps them to regulate theirs. Makes sense overnight (also because hopefully night sleep is longer and deeper) but I don't see how this works if it's a daytime nap and you're wandering around, maybe talking on the phone, there are other people in the room who are also breathing etc. Can anyone explain?

constantnamechanger Tue 12-Feb-13 23:11:12

I just like having them with me at all times - its my basic instinct - so I go with it.

AliceWChild Wed 13-Feb-13 08:34:41

Holla, I'm no expert, but from what I've read they don't know why the room thing helps. Breathing is one theory, but could be hearing it or the gasses. Whichever though being in the same room would work whatever you're doing as you're still breathing. I don't think it has to be you though, so yes if others are there breathing its fine too. That's just my understanding of what I've picked up from various sources though. The experts don't know for sure. I don't think it's about longer deeper sleep though either. Again just from what I've picked up you don't want them to sleep deep and long as the baby's short sleep cycle is to protect them. But by you being there they'll wake up with others making noise, moving etc as they should then settle quickly back to sleep without waking you as they know you're there. So it may seem longer to you. (generic yous there). This is just remembering what I've read though, I'm really not an expert.

AliceWChild Wed 13-Feb-13 08:36:07

Constant, do you put yours in a buggy? I've just realised he's effectively alone then, although I check him obsessively every now and then

Wishiwasanheiress Wed 13-Feb-13 08:40:30

Direct to op - if u were my friend I'd not comment on u holding babes all night. Or on sharing ur room at any age tbh. Depends on room sizes but I'd probs put 10yr old on blow up bed in with u if room, just easier.

Could put babe in buggy and rock, I've done this. Again depends on room. Not anything else.

teacher123 Wed 13-Feb-13 09:07:14

Friends shouldn't judge. You do what works for you.

honeytea Wed 13-Feb-13 09:32:58

Thankyou for telling me about this thread Alice, it has been realy helpful! I thought I was alone in wanting DS with me all the time, it is comforting to know there are other mummies who feel the same.

I love the phrases recomended to say to family and friends who are pushing for the baby to be left in another room.

I actually really enjoy sleepy cuddle time with my DS, I think other people maybe see me holding DS all the time and think "oh poor honeytea she must want some personal space" but it really feels better having him close.

constantnamechanger Wed 13-Feb-13 11:53:24

Alice I did with the others but this one refuses so I sling him - he is currently asleep in the Moby

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