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JOURNAL: ......

Posted Oct 02 2009 10:01pm
I feel like total crap right now. Total. Crap. Total. Crap.

And I'm crying. Which is tons of fun. I'm so tired. I guess I'm just tired of life at the moment. And I'm not saying that in a wrist cutting way. I'm just mentally exhausted. In class I'm focused and competitive. I'm generally surrounded by idiots saying stupid things, so I think and come up with non-idiotic comments to make in class, and try that much harder to show these douche bags that just because you work as a mental health technician in some mental facility, it does NOT mean you know everything. I derive great satisfaction from making them look stupid, or just generally making myself look smarter than them. After all, whether they know it or not, I am one of those "crazy" people they look down upon and think they are better than. So it totally cracks me up when I kick their asses. Which is typically every class period. Back on point. When I am at school, I am in tough guy mode. I am a hard ass with myself, pushing myself to do always do better and try harder. In between classes I tutor students in psychology. Two of my 11 students are "learning disabled" with some sort of unspecified lowered IQ and reduced cognitive functioning. I study brains, so I get how this works. What I never thought was that tutoring would be so damn mentally draining. The students rely on me to help them, teach them things, find a different way of learning for them. Okay. I'm trying. But I never knew how draining it was to have people depending on me like this. One of the students is my sister. My sister, who is in quite a ridicuous situation with her exboyfriend with whom she shares a lease on an apartment and she has also decided within a minute of breaking up with him that she was going to start dating (which after a week turned into her staying there every night) some other dude. She has constant drama and crappy grades, she wants to go to grad school but I really don't see that happeneing with her current GPA, so I try to help her, and that drains me apparently, just keeping tabs on her to make sure she doesn't totally fuck her life up, and I work with her to, so when she is at work and has trouble with the job, other employees, etc I am the one she calls or if I'm not working, text messages. Then there is work in itself. I am terribly lucky to have the job I do because it allowes me to work whatever schedule I want to work. Which is awesome. The drawback though, is that I basically babysit the majority of the sales specialists and some of the managers with basic shit. This week the front end staff realized that I know everything about admin and crap (because last week I opened my big mouth up when I overheard them not knowing what to do in a particular situation with trying to sell a special order display item and gave them the info they needed and buzzed away back to what I was doing) so this week their new thing is to seek me out for random shit to help them with. Again, I love that I can help other people. I really do. But darn it. And the sales manager, he lets me do whatever I want, whenever I want with regard to task orientation, schedule, everything. I have total autonomy. But... I also do a lot of shit that he should be doing, or that the stupid ass sales specialists should be doing, which mean I have to hold their hands and crap when it comes to something as simple as ordering something from a vendor for a customer. It's insane how stupid people can be and still keep their jobs. Again, if they were smart, i wouldn't have such freedom in my job, so I am not complaining, but I swear this past week everyone was super "special" in all areas of my life. Work, school, check...check. My sister, a coupe friends that are needy (one has boy-related issues and relationships issues which cause her to fall for a guy super hard and then a week later be over it, and then I am there to hear about it and listen to it and finally this week I basically said, "dude, this is what is going on with you" and I guided her as to what the best course of action would be. Another friend of mine I worked on getting him a job where I work. That looks to be successful.

School... I met with my clinical psych professor to talk about my grad school apps and stuff related to that. We were talking about the personal statements/esays when he said something, which (I will paraphrase) was basically like, "You are smarter than any other undergraduate student, something has happened in your life to make it that way, and you should highlight what it was in you statement to help set you apart and distinguish you form the crowd." I half smiled and said that I knew exactly what was different between me and the other students in the class, and why I could out-perform and out-diagnose and theoretically out-treat all of them. It's because I'm a nutter-butter too, and so I get things, I have experienced the depths of madness which they study. They may work with mental disorders, but I live in one, and I didn't let it take me down, I fought that bastard and am still being successful in life. I've turned it into as much of a positive for myself as I can. I don't know how to explain it, but this thing of my brain has made me a hell of a lot smarter. I don't know how or why. But in so many ways it has. Maybe it's the whole "thin line between genius and madness" idea. I don't know. And I don't care. I am who I am for whatever reason, and my professor was easily able to tell that I had something in my past that made me far beyond the other students he has. He then went on to say that in his situation, he grew up in poverty around drugs and his mother had/has bipolar disorder. I was shocked. And pleased. And then I shared with him about my mental status. It was good. He is a very good person. Anyhoo... i digress and ramble. Shoot.

What I was getting at, was that everyone has been extra needy this week. My sister it seems, my friends, my tutoring students, hell even my mom because I had to take her to the hospital because of abdominal pain (which turned out to be uterine fibromas or something of the sort which she has to have a historectemy to remove) which involved my step father being a complete wuss about the whole thing and getting overly emotional and stupid about the whole thing. He is a good man, but my god he has quite the flair for the dramatic. Give me a frikkin break man. Grow a pair. She isn't dying. It's an outpatient process. Chill the frik out. So he acts like this is the biggest drama of all time and I have to tell him to frikkin chill out and stop acting like a girl. My mom is whiny. They are more needy. And when she isn't whiny, she's always on the phone to people in the dog rescure organization of which she has recently become the president. So I live with her, but I never see her. She is taking care of the dogs, feeding the dogs, bathing the dogs, cleaning up after the dogs, or talking on the phone to other dog related persons. It's annoying. Yes, I have tried talking to her. No, it does not do any good. She does not see anything wrong with herself. I swear to god, sometimes, more and more, I am fairly certain she has a touch of bipolar-ish as well. It really wouldn't surprise me. I see a lot of different smaller parts of myself in her. Anyhoo. Where was I... okay, yes, so I go around when I am awake and take care of shit and take care of people and I don't have anyone in my life that I can lean on. Oh wait, I did, but that's right, he is not in my life anymore because he decided to start acting as though he had a frontal lobotomy and deflected his shit onto me and somehow decided I was co-dependent and a bunch of other crap that was just retarded and so unlike him that it hurt more than when my exhusband was a douche bag because at least with the exhubs, I expected him to be an ass. That's what he was. With the other person, it's different. This isn't him. But this is who he has been being and I can't keep hanging on to wanting to be with him when he can't make his mind up so I removed my best friend on the one douche bag I loved from my life. That has been a real blast too.

I guess I'm overwhelmed because my responsibility for others seems to be increasing, I keep doing more, and more and at somepoint I started losing my support and then it seemed to have all disappeared and now I am left crying in my room, depressed after fighting with my mom (who just managed to blame me for not checking on her when I got home form work and saying that I am the selfish one when she always has that damn phone glued to her head and I had a rough ass week, a long ass week, and have been fighting off that stupid ass dperessed monster and just had a shitty day with regard to missing that person I recently booted from my life. It just sucks balls man. And I don't have a single shit head to talk to about this. So I come here to my stupid ass lap top and I write crap. And I cry. And eventually I'll drug myself up and go to sleep. Then I'll get up tomorrow, go to work, put on my happy face, and be the "awesome" happy and productive version of myself. When I leave, I'll get in my truck, chain smoke all the wat home, try to not eat so I can get skinnier and feel prettier, try to do a shit ton of homework, try to figure out this college school thing, and about a half dozen other things I have going on... and try to not fall apart, and then take drugs to go to sleep.

This past week I have had a headache from hell. Excedrin hardly touches it. I don't get it at all. It's probably stress. I'm so tired right now. My head is killing me. And all I want is for someone to be there for me. But not just anyone. I want someone I feel safe with and that I feel I can fall in to and have him be there and be strong for me. I don't want a wuss or a wimpy man. I need someone I can count on and that I trust. And I don't have jack shit. I haven't had jack shit for a while. And for even longer, there has been one person I could count on and now that person isn't around anymore and I have nobody and I just miss him to begin with and this other crap doesn't help, neither does anything. I don't know what I am saying.

This is not what I sat down here to write. I feel like I should be more productive with my blogging time. I should be reading other people's posts instead of only selfishly writing my own. I should read other people's stuff and figure out ways to help them instead of sitting here in a sea of my own tears and pathetic self-pity, especially when I have a lot to be thankful for and should not have moments of self pity and "oh how I wish I had someone to lean on". I'm so pathetic right now. I want to cut so badly to make everything in my mind shut up and sit still, but I also don't want to give in to "it". I'm too stubborn. Hell right now I want to walk away from life all together, I'm so tired of trying and hurting and trying and hurting some more that I want it to all end, but I'm too damn stubborn to let something get the best of me. I don't know why I am like that, but I am, and I will not give up. I will win and succeede. My head is really hurting right now. Probably from crying, it's making it worse. I am strong. And I am also fragile. Delicate. And I don't know why the hell I am being so weak right now, but I really want to lay my head on someone's shoulders and have them hold me. There's one person I really wish it could be, but I said good-bye to that person. So.... that is not an option. I just want to relax I guess. To feel safe somewhere. To feel protected.

Good lord I am being a huge pansy.

And i don't feel like spell checking this particular entry because of my massive headache, I need more drugs, I'm going to go find some, and then probably find some ativan too, or vicodin (or some other narcotic/opiate derivative) and then eventually go to sleep.

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