If there was any justice ... How the Scud would have been undone

TV deals don't go like this in in most businesses, but then football is unlike any other
Richard Scudamore
Richard Scudamore, the Premier League chief executive, who is responsible for TV deals. Photograph: Scott Barbour/Getty Images. Scott Barbour/Getty

If football were like any other business then the TV bidding war might have gone something like this:

a) Sky, aware that the recession must hit even them and that a year's subscription to the sports channels costs the same as a week's family holiday at the fashionable Prestatyn Pontin's, decide that now is not the time to come across as flash, and bid a shade under £1bn.

b) Richard "King of Debt" Scudamore, aware that such a bid means that his primary bonus clause will not be triggered, knocks them back with a "£99,999,999 for the live and exclusive rights to getting on for 100 Premier League matches! Are you out of your tiny minds?"

c) The Scud puts in calls to Setanta and ESPN.

d) Setanta and ESPN scratch their heads. If The Scud is calling them rather than waiting for them to come grovelling something is afoot. They put their mobiles on silent and bide their time.

e) Meanwhile back at the Beeb, a consultation process that has involved five department heads, 17 deputies, 32 core staff, the entire in-house legal department and a workie has, after five months, decided (on a split vote with the workie's ballot being decisive) to maintain the status quo and offer exactly the same amount as they did when the rights were last available.

f) The Scud, with a harrumph and much "is that your best shot"‑ing, accepts the BBC offer (thereby triggering a subsidiary bonus clause) and bollocks his secretary for failing to have got through to Setanta and ESPN.

g) Rupert Murdoch, a man of principle, hears about the events outlined in b) and instructs his minions (sons) to withdraw from broadcasting Premier League football and concentrate on Twenty20 cricket instead. They instruct their minions (crash hot executives on seven-figure salaries) to communicate this information to Scudamore. The executives instruct their minions ...

h) While all this delegating is going on Murdoch types a quick email (To "big.rich@premierleague.co.uk") and hits send.

i) The Scud, on receiving an email from an R Murdoch Esq, assumes it is a prank by a "commie" journalist and ignores it. Harrumphing and with much "do I have to do everything around here"-ing he calls Setanta and ESPN and leaves a message saying that the deadline will not be extended and goes out for lunch.

j) Setanta and ESPN, after prolonged consultation, both decide to "go low".

k) The Scud returns from lunch in a filthy mood and it only worsens when his secretary informs him that Setanta and ESPN have finally come back to her and both have, coincidentally, bid exactly a tenth of a billion. "Magnificent," says Scudamore, "get on the phone right now, Cheryl, and tell them both to F right off."

l) Cheryl does as instructed.

m) The Scud rings his friends in the press to inform them that Sky have come in with an offer which "to all intents and purposes" matches the £1.3bn they paid last time, while the remaining rights are being tussled over by, entre nous, Setanta and ESPN, and, of course, good old Aunty has been lumbered with the highlights. He then calls it a day.

n) As The Scud sits behind his desk reading his own quotes in the papers the process that was initiated in g) reaches fruition and it falls to Geoff Shreeves to make "the difficult call".

o) The Scud is dumbfounded. He is of half a mind not to believe it but then, ineluctably, on the screen that is forever tuned to Sky Sports News pops up "BREAKING NEWS ALERT: SKY AXE FOOTBALL".

p) The phone begins to ring off the hook.

q) The Scud, with quiet dignity, tells his secretary that he is "not in" and retreats into his office to lie under his desk.

r) The BBC celebrate the "bargain of the century".

s) The Mail calls it an outrage.