feeling down

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2012
feeling down
Fri, 07-20-2012 - 12:58pm

So we had an argument with my boyfriend of 10 months. Apparently, he's the type to accumulate things.

We talked about a certain contraception method that I was going to use. Well, I never called to take an appointment to install it. I kind of thought that it wasn't a priority, since we were using condoms (and he just  bought a new box). We also talked about me doing a tatoo. We don't even have the exact picture in mind and it's expensive. He told me that if I didn't want it, it's ok, he's attracted to me anyway (but he would love a tatoo on my back). So I talked to him about it, but I didn't take any initiative with looking for the picture I like, etc. I also told him that I was going to do a belly dance for him, but didn't. However, I told him that I needed to practice, it's been a long time. I told him I was going to sing a song for him in my native language, but didn't. However, we didn't really have time, we just did other things.

So yea, to me, these were things that we were going to do, but there was no emergency.

So yesterday, he apparently had a difficult day. We had an argument about something. And then suddently, he comes to tell me how he feels that he doesn't feel that I take our relationship seriously. That I only do what I find important, but not what we talked about it. That he always does what he says, but not me, yada yada.

Somehow to me, it sounded like I don't do anything for him. Don't remember if he said that, I was really tired and sleepy during the argument. Well, it's a new relationship, we don't live together, what do I need to do ? I talk and listen to him, I make sure we have a good time together, we have great sex, I did help him with advice about certain things, I made a cake for his bday that he just loved, I got some things for his kids.

I really had the impression that he was saying all this to break up with me. At the end, turns out it was a vent and he seemed satisfied (when I promised that we'll do all this) and became nice and affectionate again.

I guess he has a communication issue. Doesn't know how to assertively ask for something. Instead, he starts by criticizing. 

But the problem is that I'm turned off. I had the impression that he was happy. That he appreciated the little details I did for him (he always said it). And now, I feel like he doesn't. I mean, he could appreciate them and still request that I follow up on things that we agreed to do. But that's not how the argument went.

He used to be so in love. I used to be so wonderful for him, so it's a shock. Actually just last week, he said how good he feels when he's with me. That he never felt like that with anyone.

How do I feel good about myself again ? 

Oh yea, and I did lie to him once, 2 months ago. It was a white lie that didn't affect him (I was too tired to stand my ground about something and found that lying was easier), except for the fact that I lied, so he remembered that of course and added to the other things he didn't like.....


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Re: feeling down
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 6:15pm

>>Yes, I realize that he is controlling. But not all controlling people get abusive and violent.<<

Isn't controlling behaviour a deal breaker on it's own?   There doesn't have to be abuse and violence to justify ending things.   

You say that you want to make sure there's nothing to do.   Do you mean in terms of helping him?  Because he's the only one who can help himself.   You can only help yourself.

Hoping you haven't done that tattoo for him yet.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Re: feeling down
Wed, 07-25-2012 - 6:17pm

>>And his ex is probably outgoing because she got away from him. <<

Anutalinda, Stillstanding has a very good point.  If you saw my sister now, you wouldn't know that she was a former victim either.  But in truth, her ex beat her down with his controlling behaviour.   The change I saw in her when she left him was remarkable.   Even her posture took a substantial change for the better.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Re: feeling down
Thu, 07-26-2012 - 6:56am

"Yes, I realize that he is controlling. But not all controlling people get abusive and violent. "

Abuse does not have to be violent to be abusive. The extremity of his controlling behavior is abusive in itself. Note that I never used to the word violent. Abuse can be physical but also verbal, emotional, and/or psychological. Controlling behavior like this is a form of psychological abuse.

Even if you don't want to consider it abuse, true blue makes a valid point that this level of controlling should be a deal breaker anyway. Whatever you want to call it, it should be a deal breaker but you just keep putting up with it and I don't know how else to help you. You come here looking for help again and again but as soon as we try to tell you what you need to hear, you defend him and come up with reasons to accept his unacceptable behavior and submit to his control. Why do you keep coming back here if you're just going to ignore everything that everyone is telling you? I am not trying to discourage you from coming here and asking for help, I am just at a loss as to how to help you. What is it that you want to hear from us? That it's okay to accept his behavior and submit to him? I'm sorry but I can't tell you that.

"So I wonder if it's a communication issue ALSO, because after our fights, we actually succeed in finding a solution."

The solution always seems to be you submitting to his behavior though. :-/ You go from asking how do you feel good about yourself again to claiming that you do feel respected by him. Those are kind of contradictory statements.

"I obviously need to be cautious about it and observe him better to see if it's going to get worse."

But it has gotten worse - or at least, it hasn't gotten any better... you started posting about these problems 3 months into it and here it is 6 months after that and you're still having these problems. They may seem like separate issues but they are all related to the same controlling and jealous behavior.

The others also make a good point that his ex is possibly the way she is because she got out of a relationship with him. They obviously had kids together so she has to stay in his life and she probably makes an effort be on good terms with him for their children's sake. It doesn't necessarily tell you anything about what their relationship was like when they were together. Maybe you should ask her.  

But also, people can change and not always for the better. It may have been his past relationships which shaped him into the controlling and jealous person he is now. That doesn't make it acceptable. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what his past relationships were like... his behavior is simply unacceptable.
Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Fri, 07-27-2012 - 11:32am
You are now starting to see the real him. His behavior is rubbing you the wrong way. This is not a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, so why do you prolong the discomfort in your life? It does not need to be this way! There are men out there who will not put you through all of these hoops. This is not worth your time. Just move on.