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Old 09-09-2012, 07:17 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 819

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?
For me, wax and wane, depending on what's going on in life.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?
If I stopped directing energy to an existing partner to focus it on a new partner, its more likely that I don't have the emotional or physical energy to juggle both. If that was the case I'd ask existing partners if it was going to negatively affect them having LESS of the activity from me (be that kink, a dance partner, or or never going to thai restaurants with me anymore because I was always having thai food with my new partner), and make decisions about what to do if the answer was yes.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?
Having sex at all makes me want to have more sex, so it just makes me want to have sex with my husband every day.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?
There are things on my BDSM list I would like to do that my husband is not comfortable with, therefore they are off the table because his comfort > my desire to have those things in my life. Some of those things are able to be negotiated when somebody has been around long enough that husband trusts the other person to be safe with me, but a couple things seem non negotiable.

If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with, I’m wondering if others can relate.
Not the case in my marriage, but I'm sure it is harder work to transition from equals to D/S if you switch instead of having a clear usual role. I'd probably ask on fetlife about what techniques people use to negotiate that situation for themselves.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?
I may get pissed if my husband did something with another person that he had NEVER done with me if I'd repeatedly asked him to, especially without talking to me first, sexual or non sexual stuff. I would get envious if he stopped doing something with me and was doing it with somebody else instead and not "in addition to". If it was kink related, well in my case I'd be very sad that he'd finally found some interest in it, as it's unlikely he would start viewing me in that light after 8 years, so I wouldn't benefit.

I do think in general it's not my business what he does as long as our agreements are being kept, however it is not my nature to want something and not keep asking for it until I get a satisfactory answer about why I can't have it (and a satisfactory answer is "I just don't feel interested in doing that with you anymore, I'll let you know if that changes"), so I'd probably bring up every few weeks or so, and after several "not in the mood" responses I'd feel compelled to sit down and say "hey buddy, I'm feeling really envious that you like doing X with them but don't seem to want to do it with me. I'm trying to figure out if it's because you just don't want to do X with me at all, or if there is something I could do to help you be interested in it." If they weren't interested, then I'd likely ask them to not talk about doing that particular activity with the other person. If it was something done in public at events, well I wouldn't avoid those but I'd work hard to find equally pleasurable distractions of my own.
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