The digested read

Gordon Ramsay Makes It Easy, by Gordon Ramsay

Gordon Ramsay Makes It Easy by Gordon Ramsay

My name is Gordon Ramsay and I'm here to help. Simplicity has always been at the heart of my cooking and I'm going to show you how you too can become a star in the kitchen by learning how to boil an egg properly... Oi, sonny, who the fuck are you? Get out of here. Who? You're my son? Fuck. I didn't recognise you.

Look Gordon, we've got your kids in for the shoot to give you a cosier image, so do try to make it look like you spend time with your family.

There's nothing quite like a proper breakfast to start the day. I'm never at home myself, but I encourage the family to vary their breakfasts and make the most of seasonal fruit. So here's some easy-to-make recipes involving scallops, new potatoes and fresh cherry compote.

Fantastic Gordon. OK, let's move on to the next chapter. Gordon, do you have to wear that pin-striped jacket? It really doesn't ...

Do you want to make something of it, you fuckwit?

No, No. You look absolutely splendid as you are.

Eating together as a family is important to me... Fuck this. We're doing this fucking bollocks about how I love to eat Sunday roast with the family and they've all bleeding well fucked off.

It's OK, Gordon. I've given them a break, but we can get some lovely photos of you looking moody with some fish at the market.

Jesus. Right. Here's some fucking fillet of red mullet and here's some fucking roasted pork belly. Satisfied?

Er, perhaps you could try it with just a little more charm...

When I'm relaxing at home in the summer, I invariably fire up the barbecue. Who writes this shit? Do you really think I've got the fucking time to sit around at home and fire up a fucking barbie when I've got restaurants to run, Michelin stars to protect and telly projects on the go?

I know, Gordon, but we're selling a lifestyle here. The punters need to think you're basically just like them.

Are you fucking mad? Do you really think I've worked my fucking guts out so I can have a fucking Corsa?

Please, Gordon.

OK. Let's just get this thing done. Right. Here's some seared tiger prawns and here's a lemon tart. Let's move on to party food. When Tana and I throw a party we never quite know how many we are catering for - not something you lot have to deal with, I know, but fucking get over it - so finger food and champagne cocktails are an easy option. What else? You want something posh? I'll fucking give you posh. The secret of a good halibut bourguignon is mastering the cuisson. Romance as well? We should all make time in our lives for romance. But I don't. Will that do?

Wonderful Gordon. Lights to fade and closing credits.

Alright lads let's hear it. Delia's going down, she's going down, Delia's going...

The digested read ... digested

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