Does anyone else have trouble getting things back from the ex's after access weekends? NOT big stuff but small stuff?

(34 Posts)

Prompted by a post I put on another thread.

I can't get small things back. In my case, lunchbags, kit bags (just the bags not the stuff) and plastic containers. I know it's minor, and they're cheap to replace as my ex has shouted at told me, but it's not minor when DD is in tears because she has to take her packed lunch in a tescos bag.

OhIsntItJustSHOCKING Fri 22-Feb-13 18:35:54

When you send DD, send her with nothing except say her favourite toy, which she knows she needs to bring back if she wants it at yours. Then tell ex that anything else he needs to provide.

If he is picking DD up after school, tell DD and DD's teacher that her kit/lunchbox/any possessions from home are to be left until when you pick her up the next day, and then dad has to send her to school with items he has purchased in regard to lunch boxes etc.

It makes things more complicated, but if he can't be trusted then make a point of no items being shared until he is more reliable.

That is a really good idea - I hadn't thought of that. It seems so petty for poundland lunchbags but by god it's annoying!

OhIsntItJustSHOCKING Fri 22-Feb-13 18:38:22

Or, pop into poundland and buy a couple of one pound lunch boxes/kitbags, and let her use those on contact days, and use her nice ones ones on other days.
There is surely only so many times he can keep loosing a lunchbox realistically. If it gets to 5 lunchboxes, then ask for 15 pounds to refund them, and buy DD a treat with the extra 10 pound to make up for the irritation and tears about carrier bag lunchbox!

OhIsntItJustSHOCKING Fri 22-Feb-13 18:39:21

Oh x post about poundland! smile

OhIsntItJustSHOCKING Fri 22-Feb-13 18:41:21

If he is anything like my ex, he is most likely doing it to annoy you, so as soon as it starts inconveniencing & costing him I'm sure he will magically be able to keep track of her possessions!

I sent an absolutely stinking text to him and to be fair he did give me them back - he said he didn't notice

(and I do know it's petty but i was having a wee rant)

Tubegirl Fri 22-Feb-13 19:01:30

I'm with you on this! In our case I bought dd loads of summer clothes, he took her on holiday in may and about 10 per cent of them came back. I finally got them back in october when she'd grown out of them. How hard is it to put dirty clothes back in the same bag? Last time he told me I had her in shoes that were too small and sent her back in cheap princess trainers and kept the properly fitted clarks boots I sent her in. I made a point of having her measured and she's a 9 1/2, the boots are a 10 so what is he on about?! I had to ask for the boots which I still don't have. Even if they don't fit I want then as I can ebay them and put the money towards a new pair. He also had the gall to say I put rubbish clothes in etc. Basically being on a low income I can't afford to buy things for him to keep. I've lost hairbrushes, washbags, clothes, knickers, sunscreen, hair detangler, flannels, hair elastics, hair clips ... To add insult to injury they wash her clothes sometimes and they come back grey because they don't separate colours/whites, effectively ruining them. Oh wow I could rant for some time on this, I better stop!

Tube - rant away grin it's nice to know someone else is in the same boat

Fleecyslippers Fri 22-Feb-13 19:17:51

Same here. Yet I know that it's pretty much done out of spite against me and included coats, boots, schoolbags, special toys (Because he knew the kids wouldn't settle without them) I now send nothing. I battled with it for a long time with the whole issue but I can't afford to replace full sets of clothes, shoes and toys because he and OW are malicious shits.

He maintains it's not on purpose, he maintains it's just by accident, he doesn't realise. How can he be that thick?

TuesdayNightDateNight Fri 22-Feb-13 19:58:01

Yep here too. I've always said I would rather have all h clothes back dirty or clean as I am happy to wash them (when he does it they languish at the bottom of his laundry basket for weeks and come back so crumpled that I have to wash them again anyway!).

Socks are an issue. He swears he doesn't have any but I have endless odd socks and every now and then he sends back a bunch of single socks that he has "found". DD is 6 and last time they included age 18-24 month baby socks confused

To be fair he gives me plenty of money to be able to buy extra socks but that doesn't help when there just isn't a pair when you need them!

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 22-Feb-13 20:16:39

My ex kept their toothbrushes in the summer. He took the boys away for a week, then dropped then off to me about halfway between the holiday and home at our holiday destination. (all in the uk). I specifically asked him if he had given me their wash bags, he insisted they were in the suitcase. They weren't, and when I text him about it he replied 'yes I know, they're in my boot!'

Obviously I had to buy new ones, from the overpriced campsite shop which thankfully I didn't have to pay for as my brother owns it as it was the only shop I could get to! I was tempted to bill him for the free toothbrushes.

He also had a habit of keeping 1 sock, or half a game, so that we can't play it at home.

Were we all married to the same man grin

IneedAgoldenNickname Fri 22-Feb-13 20:36:45

Possibly Freddie, was your ex a twat of the highest order? Mine was/is

Tubegirl Fri 22-Feb-13 20:37:20

It does sound like we were all martied to same man. The socks thing is alao universal! I have just sent her with clothes that he purchased (nasty stiff off romford market) and he complained again the clothes were rubbish and was I doing it on purpose, to which I replied well you bought them! I just don't semd anything I don't want to lose. Even to the extreme of sending her with her hair down as I'm so fed up of losing hairbands. Petty? Probably. Necessary? Definitely. There's no talking to him. Did tackle the washing issue but he got very defensive (read arsey) and told me he was doing me a favour. I don't see how, they come back smelling damp, of cigarette smoke and grey and crumpled. I send things freshly laundered, ironed and folded. I doubt it's him doing the washing (not his MO) so it's his tangerine dream gf who can't read washing labels.

Tubegirl Fri 22-Feb-13 20:39:25

Can I just add I can spell but apparently have fat fingers and can't actually type on an iPhone! Stuff not stiff!!!

It's just so PETTY and to complain about it, unless someone has been in the same boat, they think you're complaining over nothing, you know?

And yes to hairbands and socks.

5madthings Fri 22-Feb-13 20:55:57

I not in this position but have a very dear friend who is. Her ex is a twat if the highest order, drcided when she was preg with their second that he didnt like the responsibility of family life.... Has never paid maintenance as in his wirds 'she gets benefits to pay for the kids stuff' anyway he was forever doing this and not just small stuff.

In the end she gave him a buncj of charity shop/primark stuff to keep at his and never sent anything other than the clothes they were wearing (which were also cheap stuff) and whatever outfit they came back in was what they wore to next contact iyswim? he is still a twat but he at least sees them.regularly, the kids are 15 and 12 and starting to realise there dad is a waste of space but they know their mum loves them more han enough for both parents.

No magic fixes but its not petty so rant away xx

Shaiandbump Sat 23-Feb-13 13:07:42

I can't believe I'm not the only one. My ex never ever has any of DS socks or vests but they magically reappear 6 months later when they're too small for him. Also hats and gloves I get told to just buy him more, hold on u stingey arse why don't you buy your own damn set and stop stealing mine as im sure I got plenty of spare cash because you don't pay a bloody penny towards DS. Grrrrr. Men

elastamum Sat 23-Feb-13 13:13:57

My ex used to do this all the time. But now my DS are older I have a key to his house so we go round and collect all the stuff that is missing when he isnt there. We also share the same cleaner and she has got really good at bringing things she finds back grin

drasticpark Sun 24-Feb-13 14:18:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Sun 24-Feb-13 14:34:41

I think this is really common and it's definitely a control thing!

MrsExcited Sun 24-Feb-13 21:03:42

I am on the other side of this, i am the OW and my DDSD's stay every tuesday, and everyother weekend, more in the holidays as i am a teacher and am therefore free childcare.

I got fed up at always having the grottyist chlohes they owned i started buying them some bew clothes while we were out and letting them take them home( quite selfish really it was so when photos were taken they looked well cared for) this went on for about 4 years i very rarely ever saw these chlothes again until they were too small or generally trashed.

So when we moved house and the girls had a formal bedroom of their own that didn't double up as a spare i started buying them chlothes for at Daddies (this was after talking it through with their mum and with her full agreement) now most of the time this works ok most of the time but on the times where something from here does go back it can take months for them to ever come back.

Oddly enough even though we don't faff about underwear they come in knickers and socks, they go in knickers and socks. I still every wash have odd socks, i can only figure that they arrive in odd socks! So i every couple of weeks hand back a wadge of odds and go and buy a couple of packets to up stocks

Hairbands.and clips grrrrr grrrr grrrrrrr

They always arrive with hair (that hasn't been washed since thelast time i did it! But thats another post) down and always ask me to put it up i style that need bands clips and slides.

Sorry for the long post but felt there was another side to the story

Appologies for typos - iphone

wellthatsdoneit Sun 24-Feb-13 22:54:51

Yes, same here. Even the small stuff matters (like poundland lunch boxes) because my ex pays nothing towards the children or I and we are subsisting on the absolute bare minimum. I only send them in or with stuff that I don't mind to much if I don't get back - I have a drawer of freecycle stuff and hand me downs for this. I also send the stuff that he has bought for them. Same with toys. It's ridiculous it is like this but I don't see any other way at the moment. Luckily the kids are young enough not to care what they're dressed in but I'm hoping when they're old enough to care they'll be old enough to bring their things back with them too.

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