Advice Please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2013
Advice Please!!
Tue, 11-05-2013 - 9:04pm

Ok, to be honest this is not a relationship problem … yet. It is more a problem with me about my boyfriend, that is why I am asking for advice on here, before I go crazy and worry that is probably nothing, I hope.

Facebook is a huge thing obviously and this is where my problem starts. So my boyfriend friend a friend few months ago from high school that now lives in California and we live on the other side of the country. Obviously I had no problems with him Facebook friending girls, he is a very social, caring, nice guy.

Now, what I have heard about this girl and seeing the post she writes on my boyfriend's wall is that she is an exterminist in a lot of things, mainly for women rights, so she is a extreme feminist. And she is extreme into bondage, which I am told she is the both slave and master. I don't care what she believe or what she does for fun.

So anyway, I haven't had a problem with her until she posted a huge photo bondage event near to our home. Ok, I know it is silly to worry about the event, but my problem is that my boyfriend has never told me he was into bondage, ever. This makes me wonder what they have been talking about and why he haven't told me. Now she is always “liking” and posting on his status. Just now I just found out that my boyfriend has been having deep conversations with her.

I shouldn't be worry, I know I shouldn't. I am just having major trust issues when situations like this happen. Reason is that I was married before I met my boyfriend. My [ex]husband chatted with a girl on Facebook and never told me things anymore. He cheated on me with this girl. So, I hope you can understand why I am nervous.

My boyfriend keeps telling me his friend lives in California and he haven't seen her in 10 years. Ok, so he can't physically cheat on me, but that is not what I am afraid of. I am afraid of him emotionally cheating on.

I know I am overreacting, but I would like some advice on how to handle this. Please help.       

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 11-08-2013 - 9:21am

If a person isn't prone to cheating, normally, usually the only way they'll have an emotional affair is if their present relationship is lacking. The thing you have to do is make sure that you and your bf treat each other with respect and kindness, and make sure you're each a priority. The emotional connection needs to stay strong. Make sure you hold hands, give each other foot and back rubs, do fun stuff together like hiking, bowling, swimming, amusement parks, cooking together, mini getaways, and keep your love life fresh.

Also make sure that your needs are getting met. Is he attentive to you, or does he spend all his time texting and on facebook? When that bondage event comes around in your area and if his friend attends and they get together, it shouldn't be without you. A good bf on the up and up will include his gf when meeting up with an old friend of the opposite sex. Exclusivity means that you are accountable to each other. If he is spending too much time on social media, this is time he could be spending with you instead. I don't know if this is the case, but if it is, you have the right to speak up and tell him that you want that time with him. I would stop scrutinizing his facebook. It's driving you crazy.

I would trust him until you have a real reason not to. Believe me, secrets come out, and you will eventually find out if he's involved with someone else and then you can dump him. Unfortunately there are no guarantees in life. If you drill him about people and make him feel smothered by unnecessary jealousy, you'll end up pushing him away. On the other hand, like I said before, if he spends more emotional energy in any other woman besides you, speak up, and if things don't change, then walk away. Don't cling to someone who doesn't meet your needs. Always remember that you are the treasure and a man has to treat you right to stay in your life. Good luck.