RICKY THOMASON: Christmas often brings the weirdest stuff

Ricky Thomason By Ricky Thomason The Huntsville Times
on December 26, 2010 at 6:45 AM

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. _ Did you get what you deserved for Christmas? Did you get what you needed? Did you get what you wanted? Most everyone receives some combination of the above.

More than a few of us got, shall we say, "other things."

Gov. Bob Riley and the Goat Hill Gomers gave us a new ethics package that will make drastic changes in the manner legislators and other public officials receive, disguise, process and explain bribes and illegal campaign contributions.

The same gang also showed their true vindictive colors and slipped state employees a blow lower then a snake making wishes on a birthday candle. They "showed them durned unions" and stopped payroll deduction of "membership dues" to professional organizations. It's not enough there are pay freezes and benefit reductions for a group already underpaid. Someone said, "Hey, y'all watch this, let's add insult to injury." This should be a political problem, but state leaders merely laugh about that. They know they are dealing with diehard dullards who recently proved again their prejudices compel them to vote against their own best interests.

No surprise that most of the electorate think a ban on "double dipping" means you can have only one dip of snuff at a time.

Enough of the "just what I always never wanted" gang gifts; it's time we take this to a personal level.

There are certain people who know best about everything and Christmas gives them the perfect opportunity to showcase their extraordinary misguided talents. They know what you want better than you do and insist on wasting their money and your time by giving you what they think you should have, what you really want but don't have sense enough to know.

My niece cracked me up with tales of a dear relative infamous for her inappropriate and often horrid gifts. I will not be too specific in order to protect the guilty, but one of the favorite tales she related was the time her husband was gifted with a pair of gloves. Sounds normal enough, right? It would have been if her husband had two right hands.

If he was a poor dancer and received two left shoes, I might have understood.

Some of us get weird gifts because we are "So hard to buy for." Most of us aren't if you know us and our habits. It's hard to give me anything legal that I enjoy better than books and music. Since I have walls full of books and CDs, some might think I have all I want and more than I need. A $10 gift certificate to a used book store will buy 5 times as many books as a $20 certificate to BAM or B&N. $15 will buy one CD. The same amount will buy three or more MP3 downloads.

An ex-relative (you figure it out) was famous for giving me clothes I wouldn't wear to a dog burying. One year she gave the wife and me horrid, matching purple and white striped ski sweaters. They looked like pelts from the offspring of Barney and a zebra. Few things gag me worse than couples who wear matching clothes. I call that the "Honey Bear / Sugar Face ensemble."

It was almost better when she bought books she wanted to read, then gave them to me for Christmas, coffee-stained new. That would have been OK, but I don't do housewife porn, err, I mean bodice ripping "romance" novels. A little Fabio goes a long way with straight guys.

I'd love to hear from readers who will share the worst and weirdest gifts they've ever received. I'll pass them along for all to enjoy.

Last, but not least, how can I thank the readers who sent me a garbage bag full of Sarah Palin Brand Nuts to serve at my next tea party, and the SP autographed hakapik baby seal club for use on the next hunt.

I tried to return them. My efforts were refudiated.

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