Obnoxious Husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2013
Obnoxious Husband
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 6:51am


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 8:10am

Since his mother is laughing, it's apparently behavior she expects and finds endearing.  You can't fix that.  He seems to know how to behave with you and your family, so it's not that he never learned manners, it's that he learned he doesn't have to use them with his family.  I repeat: you can't fix that.  All you can do is learn to display serenity (with practice, you may even learn to feel it) while he's acting up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 11:34am
I know you probably look at him like "is this really the same man who is nice at home?" while he's acting like a jerk at his mom's house, but since his behavior is directed at his family & not at you I think it's up to them to say something. My exH was from a family of 4 boys & 2 girls, all close in age. His mother was from the age when boys didn't have to do anything and it mainly fell on one sister cause the other one wasn't that responsible. He was kind of shocked when he came to my parents house for dinner & my brother helped clean up and even though my father didn't cook that much, he still didn't expect my mother to wait on him like a servant. My ex's father used to sit in his chair like Archie Bunker and his mom would fetch him a beer or a sandwich when there was no reason that he couldnt' get his own stuff. Now my ex had been in the army & had lived on his own so he was capable of taking care of himself--I told him not to expect me to ever cater to him like his mom did & he was fine at home. It's not that he was mean to his mother or anything but I could see that he fell back into old habits when he was there. So if all of us ate dinner there I would actually tell him "help your mother clean up."
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 11:46am

Irish020207 wrote:
<p>I am at my wits end.</p><p>Background:  Married 4 years, no children.  I am 30, husband 33.  We both have good jobs, his is very prestigious.  </p><p>However....  you would never know it because he acts like a child.</p><p>This is especially bad around his mother.  The more obnoxious he acts, the harder she laughs.  So, at 33, now we have a man with less than acceptable manners.  Examples:</p><p>1.  Does not recognize his aunt (he only saw 2 months prior and has met throughout his life).  Instead of playing along and saying, "How are you?", he stares dumbly at her and says "Who are you??"  until mommy says, "Go give your Aunt a hug!"</p><p>2.  While eating at his parents home, he will think nothing of asking his crippled parents to get up and get him something.  I am convinced he does this to test them, still, at age 33.  He would NEVER do this to my parents.  At home, he sometimes asks me, but he is very sweet about it to me, so I don't mind.</p><p>3.  During holidays, he will barely greet or talk to family members.  If they are "boring" he won't give them the time of day, or even a "what's new?"  He was never taught the simple manners of polite converstation.  </p><p>4.  He NEVER helps clean up at his parents home, but always helps me and helps at my parents house.  His parents never expected this of him.</p><p>5.  Around family and friends, he will tell them EXACTLY what he thinks or feels, not sparing anyone's feelings, which often comes out as rude.  He says this is the way he is and he doesn't care if people don't like it.</p><p>His mother laughs at off as "boys will be boys" thing, but I have subtley reminded her that I all of my brothers have very polite manners, are charming, funny and well-liked, and are (*gasp*) boys!  Like I said, his behavior is 10 times worse around her, its just so obnoxious because I don't find it funny, and tell him so when he asks me why I am not laughing (like she is).</p><p>I need savvy advice.  I have gotten angry, tried to ignore it, etc etc. It does not help.  Does anyone out there have a similar situation??  He acts like a child and I can't stand it.  Like I said, it is the worse around his mother because she laughs. I am afraid I am going to say something I regret to his mother like, "You are a sorry excuse for a mother because he still acts like a child"</p><p>Please help</p>

Is it enough for you to consider divorcing him?  If his mother laughs it off and his family has not ostracized him because of how he is with them, then you may want to just accept that this is the reality of the man you married.  He is rude to his family.

What I would be concerned with is having children with him and him teach them that how he treats his mother is acceptable and that they will come away with the notion that it is ok to treat you the same way---that he is going to laugh at their disrespect for you instead of presenting a united front, as parents should do, and not stand for them disrespecting their mother.  THAT is the more pressing problem.  You can't fix what his parents have allowed to solidify for 33 years.  What you can do is to think long and hard about the future you're bound to with this man where children are concerned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 12:49pm

I don't think there is much you can do about this. It's not that he doesn't know how to act around others (as in being socially disabled ie aspergers or autism) it's just that him and his mother seem to find his obnoxious behavior amusing for whatever reason. This is how he was raised and the way their mother/son relationship is. I think it's probably something you need to stay out of as long as he isn't acting this way towards you or your family. Now, as been mentioned by another poster, if your planning on having kids together, you will need to have a long talk about acceptable behavior with the kids.and whether he'll find teaching them obnoxious behavior is amusing. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 3:42pm

Different families have different dynamics and who are you to say which is really better? My family has no taboos which we love but others find shocking. Again, if it's not directed at you, walk away and go visit with some of the family members that you feel he is neglecting. His asking why you aren't laughing is probably his way of dealing with your clear displeasure, not him expecting you to laugh along with his mom.