No One In Washington Has Anything To Wear To The Inauguration, WSJ Reports

It's almost the night before Inauguration Day and no one in the entire city of Washington D.C. has a single thing to wear. The Wall Street Journal provides an investigative report:


Sipping complimentary wine, they perused strappy, spangly and sexy. They considered super-short, a risk recommended by their office's sole fashionista. The two women, who work for the Sierra Club, an environmental group, wound up in solid-color, floor-sweeping gowns-in other words, stolid political assets that gave away nothing.


In tonight's Washington, strong men weep unabashedly in the streets. Iron-jawed matriarchs of Congress clutch at bewildered passersby, their eyes brimming with unspoken questions. "It isn't fair," they cry. "That's not fair at all. There was time now. There was all the time I needed! That's not fair!"



"Has it really been four years," the men whisper hollowly to themselves. "Only four. Where has the time gone?"

"I thought we just had an Inauguration Ball," Patrick Leahy chokes before jumping to his death off the Francis Scott Key Bridge. "I can't put on another fanciful ascot. I can't. I can't."


The Pocket Riots of 2013, now in its third day of uninterrupted frenzy, has resulted in at least fourteen deaths, sixty-seven arrests, and countless amounts of property damage. As of this reporting, over 10,000 women in demure cocktail dresses have barricaded themselves inside of the Eisenhower Executive Office Building, demanding elbow-length opera gloves and gowns with "clean, architectural lines for every goddamn woman over 50 in this christforsaken city or we will burn it clean to the ground. Pockets. What are we supposed to do with pockets."

"We already have handbags," a spokeswoman for the terrified, mud-streaked mob told a member of the press. "What are we supposed to do with a dress with a pocket in it?"

The trouble began, most observers agree, during Brooks Brothers' "Bow-Tie Primer" cocktail party last week. Two Beltway insiders came to blows during a discussion of the merits of the Land's End No-Iron Chino Pants. The violence quickly spread and threatens to engulf even the White House just two days before President Obama is scheduled to take his second oath of office.

White House officials so far refuse to confirm reports that the Lincoln Bedroom has become an "abattoir of textured blue-and-gray fabrics," or that women who venture north of East Capitol Street without tan pantyhose are kidnapped and tortured by the Patternmakers, a vicious gang of tailors and administrative assistants.


April Jones Firoozabadi has reportedly annexed the numbered avenues and declared herself Washington's Painted Lord of Misrule. Her challenge to First Lady Michelle Obama to meet her in single combat has so far gone unanswered.



Hakki's next haggard, decrepit Washington client laughs in a wheezing, dusty sort of way at the joke, before his withered and ancient jaw flops uselessly onto the floor. Only hours remain.

[Photo via Getty Images]