Dear Mr. Prime Minister,

I hope this letter finds you well despite Downing Street being reduced to cinders and overrun with whip-tailed face-hugger beasts clawing out eyeballs like kids rummaging through pinatas.

I'm concerned with the government's response to the recent Hellgate crisis. Just because the country's infrastructure has collapsed, utilities are non-existent, and the only shelter is with a bunch of creepy LARPers in the tube doesn't mean the government doesn't have a role to play in getting the country back to its feet.

The real problem is not the influx of hideous wailing demons sodomizing the population with barbed tentacles (although I admit that's a downer). The issue is the economic problems that this sudden influx of hellborn scum creates. The value of the pound has gone through the floor, which is why everyone is trading in those silly Palladium coins. (Last I checked, those things are made of chocolate.) Let's rebuild the country by reinvigorating the economy!

I'd start with tourism. Sure, I know what you're thinking: who would want to visit a smoldering ruin simply to have their flesh flayed by the sandpaper tongues of a thousand monkey-like hornbeasts? I'm thinking the Dutch. Check out these postcards I mocked up:

Let's embrace this whole demon-infestation thing. It could be our new angle. You have to admit that the food is better. Sure, they're feasting on human flesh and brains but c'mon, kidney pie? That stuff was gross.

Also, real estate is a bargain. Your typical crater is available for a fraction of what people used to pay for a one-bedroom near Wembley Park, and it's already filled with blood for your convenience.

The government's last public emergency advisory asked citizens to be mindful of the "Volcano" that has engulfed Earl's Court. Why such negative language? Let's call it a "Mineral-rich hot spring" and start bussing in some tourists.

You see what I'm getting at? Let's look for opportunities here! These demons could open up new markets for us. For instance: they're sticking heads on poles up and down Paddington. They've got piles and piles of heads but a serious pole shortage. The market for poles is booming! Throw a few tax breaks in there and you could have some prosperous local industries. "West End Poles: Get Ahead." You see what I did there?

Thanks for listening, Mr. Prime Minister. Assuming you haven't been eaten.       -Fargo

[PlanetFargo runs every Friday on, Hellgate or no Hellgate. Dave 'Fargo' Kosak is a longtime game journalist and GameSpy co-founder who dual-wields everything, even while eating. Mail Fargo!]