New Waterford, Nova Scotia

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~ Oscar Wilde on his trip to New Waterford in 2006

~ Every 12 Year Old Girl in Town



Many New Waterford residents are employed within the city's booming Spiegel Industrial Complex, which offers it's highly trained professionals the opportunity to regret their career choices and go home early as often as possible. The city is also home to, in several locations throughout it's neighborhoods, a drug and alcohol consumption industry that, according to recent government statistics, produces a whopping 86% of Cape Breton's current hangovers. Prostitution has it's own special twist in New Waterford, as most local prostitutes (known locally as "girls from New Waterford") will gladly provide sex for free, or in exchange for a ride to the store and a pack of smokes.


New Waterford has been known to pump out many NHL stars such as Mats Sundin, Patrick Roy, and of course Vladislav Tretiak. They also have a successful girls high school hockey team, the Breton Education Centre Virgins.(This is the area resposible for the saying "all that comes out of New Waterford is whores and hockey players.. What position does your mother play??") A lot of people in New Waterford From BEC(barelie edukatet childrean) play the game school bag, its a great game! It's when you take a really heavy school bag and whip it at someones head at like 100 miles an hour, if they don't catch it, every one biffs there school bags at the persons head. New Waterford has also produced such NBA all-stars as Darryl'R Rich. Another famous athlete to rise from New Waterford is former Pro Skateboarder "Big Air" Bwair, who is known for creating such tricks as the Boo Fling. In other news.... Recently The Bec Bears lost for there 26th time in the 26th annual coal bowl classic. New Waterford is also known for housing the famous Rack N Roll Men's Dart League. Thousands of fans turn out early on Tuesday nights to watch these great athletes in all their beer swilling glory.

The 8:30 Whistle of Death; The 8:30 Whistle of Death is the whistle that sounds every night at 8:30 to alert the general public of the River Coyotes. Officer Glenn marsh of the New Waterford Police Department is the only man who has seen a River Coyote and has lived to tell the tale. The rare breed of Coyote found only on the shores of New Waterford is incredibly dangerous and whomever steps outside after 8:30 is sure to have turned up dead in the wee hours of the morning, the only known way to kill a river Coyote is by the often naturally occurring Ice Tornado which will catch the river coyotes on blue fire. Scientists are still baffled over the almost seemingly impossible ice tornado, but hey get off those roads come 8:30.


The town of New Waterford is run by mayor R.Fougere and her two assistants Pearl and Allie. Anyone who messed with the regime will find themselves chomped on by Pearl's and Allie's teeth or stomped on by their hooves. Allie recently passed away but Pearl still guards the city gates and will savagely attack any trespassers.

Recreational Activities

We're going to rock down to Electrican Avenue

"Obv", New Waterford is a town well known for its great fishing and fishing spots. Normal fishing hours are from 7:30am to 7:30pm daily. As well as once a year motorcycle festival, Which consists of large groups of sober bikers pulling their motorcycles onto the docks and casting out, putting their poles in between the spokes of the bikes and catching a nap (not passing out cause they don't drink either) on the dock. However as a polite gesture for the town the bikers also follow the 8:30 curfew rule. Then at 8:32pm everyone gathers in their homes to watch Degrassi, the pride of both Canada and New Waterford. When Degrassi People get into there 4x4's with loaded rifles an go jacking deer moose and jackalope If they catch nothing there then its off diving for lobster sense most people have the crabs in the ndub. Another recreational activity we have are shooting and driving over squirrels with our flatbeds and rifles.


New Waterford has always been known for its voracious progress in world fashion; particularly, hairstyles. Recently ET Canada referred to New Waterford as second only to Paris, France for its creativity and originality. The "fluffet", originating through Liza Minelli as seen in the Reader's Digest..

Warning about New Waterford

The ungodlyest force of nature is New Waterford's own Fountain. May seem harmless, but each and every little child that enters the dangerous liquid becomes more and more venomous, one day all children will rule Cape Breton and its for grounds, with there tiny little fingers, and will have all parents on their fingertips and stand up for every little wip and kick that Cape Bretoners put on these little harmless creations that don't know how to stand up for themselves, but one day, ONE DAY you will see. They are not just little messy faced kids who just wreck your house and track mud from the sydney tar ponds through your house, one day you will see that kids do rule the face of Cape Breton, one day you will see!!!!!

So warning, if you don't want to see children rule every step of cape breton, don't let your children run the streets of Plummer Ave. in New Waterford. One little splash, one little swim, one little itty bitty toe in that liquid does the job, and eventually every child will be effected. Watch out for that Hearther m one, shell take you to court.

Glory Hole Classic

Every year basketball teams from all over Canada come to New Waterford for the Glory Hole Classic. The tournament is important to the town's economy and generates millions of dollars every year. Players are housed at the prestigious Breton Education Centre.

police services and fire-fighters

you have a better chance of calling batman for help than dialling 911 if pillhead adam breaks into your house looking for appliances to sell for coke, the cops in New Waterford take 4 shots through plumber avenue before arriving at the scene of the crime. the basement savers will be on the scene if your house is blazing with flames... they roll up with water guns and straw brooms to wack the fires out.

See also


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