Season 8 Episode 1 Secrets That I Never Want to Know

09/24/11 Season 8 TV-14 D, L

As Mary Alice Young tells us in one of her always-informative voiceovers, only the best of friends will stay after a party is over to help clean up the mess. In some cases, the mess may just be a dead body. The housewives and Carlos carry the corpse of Gaby's evil stepfather into the woods where they dig a grave. It's a tense time for all involved, but everyone agrees to bury the body, and their secret, forever. Sounds like a plan, right?

Carlos has been a bit on edge ever since, well, he killed a guy. He wants to talk to Father Dugan, but ends up in the confessional with a much younger priest who is desperate to hear some juicy secrets. Carlos doesn't want to chat with this guy, but Gaby does confess to making out with a couple of chicks in college. That should satisfy the good father's thirst for gossip for awhile.

Gaby kidnaps Father Dugan before he catches a flight to go dig wells for lepers in Rwanda because, well, what she needs him for is important. But Carlos knows he can't confess his sins without hurting others. Gaby tells him that she's spent her life in fear of her stepfather. Now she's not afraid anymore. Her hubby may have taken a life, but in doing so he also saved one. Carlos wants absolution. He gets it from his wife.

Detective Chuck Vance thinks Bree's friends don't like him. He feels everything changed the night of the dinner party. Hey, the guy has good instincts! He just cracked a case by tracking down a dead man's car. This sends Bree and Gaby hunting for Alejandro's car. Since neither of them can really drive a stick, they don't get very far before the police pull them over. Fortunately (or unfortunately), Chuck is the cop who makes the traffic stop.

Bree and Gaby weave a series of lies to cover themselves as Chuck drives a car that is filled with Alejandro's keepsakes. Eventually, they need to pull over so Gaby can yack up the chewing tobacco she'd been chomping on as part of the ruse. Bree is overjoyed when a carjacker pops by to swipe the incriminating vehicle. She tells the gun-wielding thief to buckle up before he speeds away. She's such a conscientious citizen.

There's a handsome new neighbor on the lane. His name is Ben Faulkner (Charles Mesure). Renee quickly calls dibs on the single guy with the cool blue sports car in the driveway. She's not one for small talk. No, Renee would much rather skip right to the sex. Unfortunately, new neighbor Ben just isn't interested. Go figure.

Tom sneaks in early every morning so the kids don't know he and Lynette are separated. It's not ideal, especially since Lynette's been having lots of nightmares lately. She rushes across the street to tell Tom she needs him and the two of them spend the night together. The next morning, Lynette tells Tom that what happened hasn't changed anything. At this point, they both realize that giving the kids the scoop on their current situation can't wait any longer.

Susan's guilt over that whole "accessory to murder" thing has her avoiding all the girls on the lane. Her one solace is the fact that she gets to substitute teach for a day. Unfortunately, the class hamster keels over on her watch. Susan must hold a funeral for the little furball where she must dig a shallow grave. This causes her to completely fall apart. It's understandable. Cupcake the hamster was beloved by all.

Susan wants to tell Mike what's happened. As you can imagine, this idea doesn't go over well with the other ladies. Gaby hops atop Susan's back to stop her from going to her hubby. Lynette also gets in the action. SPLASH! The three of them end of in the pool just as Mike, Carlos and Chuck swing by. Then Bree dives in to help with the cover story that they were looking for Susan's earring.

Later, the four soggy housewives have a heart-to-heart. They agree to keep the secret so that nobody else can be implicated. No one can ever know. But it appears somebody already does. Bree finds a note in her mailbox. It reads: "I know what you did. It makes me sick. I'm going to tell." Sound familiar?

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