He cheated and I may have to pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
He cheated and I may have to pay?
Wed, 03-20-2013 - 9:45pm

Hello Everyone,

My H has been going thru a mid-life crisis for 2 years now. Learned of his Affair 1 year ago. I was and am still devastated but it is what it is and I need to prepare for a D. Here is my issue.

He still lives with me. I have asked him to leave several time but he hasn't.  If and when he leaves the mortgage is $1800, I think I can do it, it will be tight, but I can do it. He says I can have everything and won't fight me.  I said no child support if he sticks to that.  Kids are 17 and 16 yrs. I have $11k saved, he has $0.

I live in CA. No fault law. I have $100k in 401k and make more $ than he does. He has $30k in 401k. If we divorce, he can take 1/2 my 401k andI may need to pay him alimony. oh and take my saving and some investments I have, about $5k ....WTH???

I have 20 years with this man and 18 were wonderful. He has gained 200 lbs that he lost 5 yrs ago, drinks everyday and avoids me except for a kiss on the cheek at night and one when he leaves for work. NO conversation. He is depressed and refuses to get help for himself. As much as I want to work things out he is making zero effort and I can only take so much.

I don't know if I should let him stay while he pays the house while I work on paying off our timeshare $14k and my credit $5k credit card? Or insist on him leaving. I don't think he will fight me for my $ but I NEVER thought we would be in this situation.  The house is not worth what we owe. He owes $5k in credit card and his car payment $15k

He pays the house I pay everything else, utilities, food, cell, car insurance etc. I need a new car no car...soon.

I am afraid once he sees how much living on his own will cost he may fight me.

What to do???




iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 11:39am

I think you really need to get some good legal advice here.  I am not in a community property state so I don't know if someone can waive their right to that.  I don't think it's smart for you to waive child support.  You're talking about not wanting to give him $35,000 from your 401K.  How much would he pay in child support?  Would child support end at 18 or longer if the kids go to college?  who is going to pay for the kids' college?  In most states, you can't just "kick him out" anyway if he doesn't want to go & there is no domestic violence.  he has as much right to stay in the house as you do pending the divorce.  Also, the fact that he has had an affair is irrelevant in a no fault divorce state.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 1:05pm
Thank you. I would only waive child support if he didn't fight me for the house, 401k, etc. I don't think child support would be more than what he could take from me because I make good money, but I really don't know that to be fact. I know I can't make him leave, but he said he would... Jen-
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Thu, 03-21-2013 - 11:18pm

Yes, divorce law in most states in the USA doesn't take into account comparative fault when dividing up marital assets. It's very easy to end up with a no win scenario. You lose if you divorce but you also can't stay married to him. The best advice is to have a clever, aggressive divorce lawyer here.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Fri, 03-22-2013 - 12:49am

 You may be able to do the divorce online.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 10:10am

I think the best bet is for you to get a lawyer now and do the divorce papers while he's still living there. That way, he probably doesn't want to be contentious while you're living together. Have the divorce papers state that he's willing to forgo the half of your 401 K that he's entitled to. That's the most important thing to win in the divorce. If you happen to have a pension, you need to do the same for that. Then give him the "no child support" for his benefit. If he asks for alimony, explain that the children come first and you cannot support them with all of your bills if you have to pay him alimony. He doesn't sound like a go-getter, so maybe he won't be able to afford his own lawyer, or won't want to make the effort of doing that. Maybe you can come up with an agreement if, after he signs the divorce papers, he can remain in the home another 6 months and pay rent. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 2:37pm

Good idea thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2013
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 3:30pm

Dear Jen,

Those 18 wonderful years you've both spent together must still count a great deal. Also, in our experience the only meaningful way to understand infidelity is not by fousing on who he's doing it with but by understanding what he's trying to recaputre that you both had in earlier, happiner times.

Here's an exercise that we use with couples that might give you a better handle on what you've both lost and how my might find it again: Finding the Raw Spots when you Unintentionally Hurt your Lover 

I hope you find it useful.

Andre Moore, Director of Marriage Couples Counseling and Life Coaching in New York City

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2011
Sat, 03-23-2013 - 4:58pm
Thank you Andre, They ment a great deal to me, if we could work out our issues I would. I have been waiting more than a year now for him to meet me half way. When I say lets try to work things out he responds by saying hurtful things to me, In the 18 yrs he NEVER said things to hurt me. I feel like he lost respect for me....what's a marriage withour respect for each other? He makes no effort to reconcile.... I must prepare to live life without him,,,as much as it hurts.... Jen- = (
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 03-25-2013 - 5:06pm

Yea, I think you need counsel where you live to get accurate advice.  Your DH is probably doing the right thing by staying in the house for now.  Just be careful not to cut yourself short in an attempt to make it easy.  If either or both of your kids go to college, you may have wished you or your kids were getting support.  

I mean, if the numbers play out, and it makes more sense to forgoe CS to keep your retirement, then that may work for you.  Retirement is pretty important.  But it will be much easier to get CS now rather than later.  

How alimony plays into all of that, I don't know.  Which really just brings me back to getting a good attorney that hopefully won't break the bank.  For some, writing a check and being done with it is the way to go.  

Ultimately the decisions is yours.  Just be careful.  

Serenity CL Making a Second Marriage Work

Avatar for Billionaire7
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2012
Tue, 03-26-2013 - 11:58am

I'm not familiar with the law where this is concerned, but is there a way that if you both desire, you could both walk away without having to take half? 

Rose Benji