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But maybe that day isn't today 1/1

hug, sam, supernatural, dean
Set: Between seasons three and four.
Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own ): Sad, isn't it?
Warnings: Oh this angst..
Spoilers: Spoilers for season three ending.
Character(s): Sam, Ruby

I have this fic in my profile, but I just felt like I should post something here, too. I wrote 3000 words today so I am not writing anything new today, and that't the reason why I post an older fic. :)

He feels alone.

And it isn't even the worst thing. No, the fact that he feels alone is nothing compared to the fact that he is alone.

Because Dean is gone. He had made a deal, he had gone to hell. And it is Sam's fault.

Only his.

Sam looks at the empty bottle of beer he's holding inside his fist. It isn't like him to drink like this. But what else could he do? There is nothing for him anymore.

He hits the bottle to the wall. It shatters. Pieces of glass are flying to the floor, making the the carpet glint.

Ruby tells him he should suck it up and move on. Ruby is always there. But Sam isn't sure why anymore. She only tells Sam things Sam already knows. Dean is dead. He won't come back.

But that doesn't mean Sam hadn't tried.

Sam rolls up a bit his other sleeve, looking at the nasty wound. It isn't bleeding anymore. That nasty crossroads demon had sliced him while their little fight.

"I knew you would come back."

Sam turns around and sees a familiar woman. She has her arms crossed. She stands like nothing could harm her.

"Shut up, Ruby. I don't want to see you."
"You have to. Listen to me, Sam. You are killing yourself."

Sam takes a warning step forward. He lets the broken bottle fall from his hands. It falls to the floor and breaks to little pieces.

"Yeah? Maybe it's what I want to do."

There is no emotion in Sam's voice. He rolls down his sleeve, swaying a little bit on his feet.

"You are drunk, you are not thinking straight."

Sam ducks his head for a moment. He trusts Ruby. He knows she wants to help. But something tells him he can't, that he can't go with her and pretend it's okay, because it isn't.

"You don't know it", Sam hisses and turns around to leave. He takes support from the wall when his knees start to sway under him.

"I know you, Sam. This is not you. And this is not what Dean would want."

Something flashes behind Sam's eyes. Ruby doesn't know Dean. She doesn't know what he would want. She is a demon, and Dean would want to kill her.

Sam spins around and hits Ruby to the wall. She could get free with just a movement of her hand, but she stays still. She doesn't struggle.

"You know, I should kill you", Sam mutters under his breath. Ruby flashes a smile.
"Then do it."

Sam is holding her against the wall, between his right arm and the old, crappy wallpaper. There is no room for her to move.

He thinks about it. She should die. She is a demon, and all Dean ever told him was that she should be killed. But on the other hand, she is the only thing he has left.

Sam shakes his head. "No. Just leave me alone."

He lets go of her and steps back. He runs his palm over his face and looks at her. She is eyeing him, looking confident and brave. But Sam knows she is scared.

Scared that Sam would kill her... or himself.

"Come on, Sam."

Sam turns away and starts to walk forward. He hears Ruby calling his name, but he doesn't stop. Maybe one day he will forgive himself and move on.

But that day isn't today.

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April 2013


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