Disclaimer: I only own the humanized forms of the Kong group. If you would like links to what some look like PM me.

NOTE: Ha! Didn't hink I'd actually go this far, huh? I did...

Summary: DK64 set in my human AU.


Proulog-Visit-Flavored Surprise or Enter K. Rool!


On a bright sunny day, the water sparkled as the camera pans in on a luciously green island that one would mistake for Ireland had they not received or had been receiving a proper education. Doves flew by it, tweeting melodiously, saying hello to the various life forms on the land.

Starting to sound like a Disney thing, right?

Well, it's not.

Seals clapped. The strange part-those seals were dressed like pirates. But then again, Nintendo created this universe so I guess it makes sense. Oh, and one of them did a backflip. They were disrupted by the low humming of something mechanical.

A giant metal croc-shaped "ship" slowly drifted along, guided by a dog-like person running its wheel with two idiots in green pants and black vests, the one shouting "right" being Aleksandr and the one shouting "left" being Alexei, telling him which way to go. Every now and then, the dog-person would yip in annoyance as their directions contradicted each other. Sirens started going off but Alexei and Aleksandr didn't pay attention.

Elsewhere, the sirens fell on deaf ears. On a throne that one would think was a chair you find in a submarine sat an evil man. Strands of green hair protruded from every angle imagineable on his head, a golden crown perched on top, his intense emerald eyes staring angrily at a blank screen, one eye a bit bulgy and red. He wore a green shirt, green pants, a yellow vest, and a red cape. Oddly, his fingernails were painted green. On his lap sat a green cat, which he stroked vigorously.

"I've been waiting a long time for this moment," the evil man muttered. "Soon, Donkey Kong and his pretty little island will be no more." He pressed a button on his chair. "Technician! how is our latest invention coming?

In the room full of technicians, one of which was dangling from a lever with his cries for help being ignored because he needed to learn a lesson, two men stood by the PA on a very large machine. One, named Nikolai, was wearing a white coat, otherwise dressed exactly like the other Kremlings, as the green-wearers were called, and was the man the evil person was talking to.

"King K. Rool, y'majesty, it is coming along really-" He stopped when suddenly the lights went out on the giant contraption.

"Is there a problem?" the evil man's, K. Rool's, voice came.

Nikolai and his companion, Grigori, looked at each other and shrugged. Grigori pressed a few buttons. The two looked at each other again and Grigori banged his head on the control board, bringing the lights back.

"No, sir, no problem," Nikolai replied, throwing his friend a thumbs up. "Everything's fine."

Back in the control room Alexei and Aleksandr finally noticed the flashing lights. Alexei even screamed, "LOOK OUT!" to no one in particular.

If you had been on the outside and were somehow watching this escapade, you would have seen the ship and its chained comapanion (did I mention that?) being tossed around like a cow in a tornado. The situation was pretty much the same on the inside, except no one saw the iceberg the ship then crashed into.

Everything came to a halt.

Suddenly, the engine was trying to start. When it did, the steerer(s) carefully backed up and turned it around to face the island mentioned at the very beginning of this chapter.

Epic music played.

"Guards!" K. Rool shouted(by the way, we're back with him).

Down the hall ambled three minons. One was a street thug named Kasplat. He had white hair in a mohawk and wore a black, sleeveless leather jacket, blue jeans, combat boots, a short-sleeved blue t-shirt, sunglasses, and spiked bracelets and a spiked choker. (We will meet is brothers Red, Yellow, Green, Blue, and Purple later on.) The second was a Kremling named Dimitri.

The third was a porker named Klump. Pink and green hair adorned his head underneath an army helmet and he wore a seargent's uniform, belt and all. When he entered the room behind his cohorts, his belly bumped them out of the way.

"We here sir!" Klump said, saluting. "What are your orders?"

"I want you to do everything in your power to keep Donkey Kong distracted," K. Rool said. Kasplat and Dimitri looked at each other as if having the same perverted thought but frowned when K. Rool continued. "Steal that hoard of Golden Bananas he treasures so much and take care of his pathetic friends! This time there can be no mistakes."

"Oh, your excellency," Klump began, rubbing his hands together, "we've already taken care of business!" He laughed maniacally but faultered when his commander spoke sharply.

"I hope for your sake you're right this time."

K. Rool waved his hand, sending his minions off. Pressing another button on his control panel once they were gone caused the screen in front of him to turn on, showing an image of a young man doing push-ups, which was creepy when you think about it. He formed the evil-finger-pyramid-of-contemplation with his hands, staring at his long-time enemy.

"While you're busy looking for your precious Golden Bananas and flea-bitten friends, I'll be preparing my visit-flavored surprise..."