Cristina Scabbia

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 21:30, March 8, 2012 by Tasmania (talk | contribs)

Jump to: navigation, search
Cristina Scabbia 00
Cristina Scabbia, about to rape #4 of Slipknot
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Cristina Scabbia.

Cristina Adriana Chiara Scabbia (born June 6, 1872 in Milan, Italy) is a member of the Italian underground movement, previously lead singer of an infamous gothic-metal band Lacuna Coil. She is best known for her witty public appearances. The most famous one is when she ran through the streets naked, screaming "Look at me! I am so sexy!!". Shortly after that, her band disbanded, other band members escaped to other countries, changed their names and grew beards.

Quanto state per leggere e' una solenne marea di cazzate, which is italian for "what you are about to read is a solemn pile of bullshit". Besides, in the following you will read the words Lacuna Coil. Keep in mind that no such two words exist in the italic idiom. Lacuna Coil is actually an old Latin-Sanskrit-Greek inverted saying which literally means "Look at me". It is said that if you say the word three times in a row, you will become obsessed with the band Lacuna Coil. However, such a thing is just usual bullshit believe, spread to warn children about the dangers of the world.


Pathetic childhood

Cristina was born in a poor family, she was living (literally) in crap. When she was 12, her parents won the lottery, forgot about little Christina, moved to Paris and left her alone with her blind-deaf grandmother. That's where her need for attention comes from. In 1894, Cristina met an elegant man, lovely Vittorio, and instantly fell in love with him. The two started to date for a while, until Vittorio invited her to his mansion to have sex. When they were over, she went to the bathroom (which was real luxury for her). In the meantime, Vittorio stole all of her savings and her clothes. Next day when she saw him, she forgave him. They had sex again. This time Vittorio filmed the whole thing, sold it to a porn making company and earned millions. He moved to Berlin and Christina never saw him again.


Nothing interesting happened in her life during this time period, so we are going to skip it.

Cristina Scabbia wall
Cristina having sex with a wall

Lacuna Coil

Cristina joined the band previously formed by Andrea Ferro and Marco Coti Zelati. They asked her to join only to get laid. They never thought they would regret this action. After a few live shows, she wanted more attention as a band member. Soon she took over the control over the band and became its main figure. In 2005, she... I mean Lacuna Coil released a new album called "I am so h0tt!!!" The album was voted as "the worst album of the century" in... well, everywhere. Despite that, they sold almost 988.000 copies in Europe and 20.000 in the rest of the world, because their fans were blindly supporting them no matter what they released. Needles to say, this boosted Scabbia's ego even more. During the live show in Milan, the arena was full. When they played the main track and single from the new album "I am so sexy-exy", she showed her breasts and started singing "I am so sexy-exy-exy...", while Andrea Ferro sang in response "She's so hott, hott...". The crowd was shocked, but when they realized what they were seeing, they started throwing bottles on the stage. One bottle hit Christina and she fell unconscious. The show was then canceled and all the crowd requested a refund. This heavily damaged the band's budget.

All the stuff that happened recently made other band members angry. While they were arguing what would they do with her, the band was forced to indefinite hiatus. During the hiatus, Christina was bored to death. In April 2007, she went to the nearest park and started yelling about how the life is unfair to her into the megaphone. People around her started to feel sorry for her. Many people that had similar feelings to Christina's started to rise rebellion. She was arrested for disruption of public order. This situation was used by Italian mafia to frame her for many other crimes.

Personal tools
In other languages