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Feeling Alone, Abondoned.

Posted Nov 21 2009 10:01pm

I'm having problems with feeling abandoned and of second rate importance to people I'd do anything for and make my priority. Jeremiah choosing some broad he barely knows over me sucked. My mom give priority and preference to her dogs and the dog rescue organization. And my sister, who says she is my "best friend", and that I am hers, well she puts random dudes before me.

My mom has been the foundation of my support system, and she would do anything for me if it was serious, but I can't count on her for the daily things. Interactions with her make me more stressed and kindle the likelihood of me flipping out and losing it. I have zero doubts that my mom has something screwy in her upstairs wiring similar to my own. She took dogs to the airport today and ended up getting lost and running late to meet the private plane flying dude. She ended up breaking down and crying she was so upset. She called me after crying and was wigging out because she didn't know how to get to her next destination. You can't talk any sense into her at that point, she only ends up getting pissed off, blames you for being selfish, etc and often times hangs up the phone. She's a very giving yet selfish person. Expects everything to be done on her schedule and to revolve around her. Until recently I couldn't even talk to her unless I fit it in between phone calls she made or was receiving. She's trying to do better with that this past week, and it helps a little, but I guess I'm an asshole because I wish/want more than that.

Animals always come first before people. Their feelings and needs far supersede any human flesh. This gets old. For example, a deer runs in front of my truck tonight on a 2 lane country highway. We were almost to the top of a hill and this other car in the oncoming lane ends up hitting the deer (that just missed me) with the front driver's side corner of the hood/bumper. The impact throws the deer to the side and towards the driver side front fender or my truck. We were going ~60 mph, I hit the brakes and swerve to avoid wrecking and hitting the deer head on. I end up avoiding any accidents with me and my truck. The deer's head and neck were twisted and contorted as it bounced off the other car and towards me. He has a full rack of antlers, a young male, but definitely an adult-adult. Watching his body twist and fly around the way it did was awful and sad but there isn't a doubt in my mind that he was killed on impact. Bodies don't bend and twist that way and still retain life. I'm shocked and upset from watching the deer die and become slightly mutilated in front of me, and also upset because I was so scared from almost wrecking with a deer and/or a head on collision with another car. I get home, and tell mom. Her concerns are with the deer. Did he die right away? Could he still be alive and suffering? Etc etc etc and we talk all about the deer and how sad she is for the deer.

After I get to my room I realize my laptop is still at my sister's apartment 45 minutes away. I get back in my truck and go get it, then return home. I'm in my room and mom calls me from her bedroom (on my cell phone) and asks if I saw the [dead] deer in the road. I say "no". She sighs in relief and says, "okay, good someone must have called the police and had it removed, so if it was still alive they would have killed it". I'm amazed at her dedication for animals and she is a good person in that, but she obsesses. And is more worried about the deer which I assure her is more than dead based on my visuals than about the fact I just had the shit scared out of me and saw a sad nasty thing of a deer getting hit literally right in front of my truck and seeing his head, antlers and body bounced towards the driver’s side front fender/door of my truck. No, the definitely dead deer takes precedence. "Are you okay?" - was never heard. Oh well. Whatever.

There's something about her, I cannot put my finger on it, but there's something and it is such a trigger for me, but I can't put a word to it. This "thing" about her personality makes my brain issues harder to work with. It's a trigger, adds stress, and make me more upset more often than not. Again, there isn't any talking to her about this (I've tried) because she blames it all on me being hypersensitive or interpreting things from a screwed up angle. She's perfect. Never does anything wrong emotionally/verbally/action based towards me. It's all me. This is especially hard to deal with when I'm doing the full time work and school thing and totally freaked out about grad school and under so much pressure and stress I feel my head may crack open. It's hard living with her. But I don't financially have any other options. So I deal with it.

My sister always puts the male in her life before me. Always. Each time one of these relationships end, I keep thinking she will start over and realize I'm her sister and maybe give more of a crap about me than these transient dudes. Again, after her last "thing" dissolved and her proved to be a little off kilter in an obsessive/creepy was I thought that she would have learned. But no. The end result, she tells me she has found a new "friend with benefits". Okay, good for her. I'm fine with that. Then she tells me that he's 33. My little sister is 19. He has kids and is dating someone at the moment "sorta". Okay, not a great idea, but she's legally an adult and I can't tell her what to do.

Well, due to the fact I'm not a moron and lack the Idiot2000-gene, I put 2 and 2 together and also landed at the correct conclusion that she is dating a department manager from work, who is one of my "work-friends" and had previously had a thing for me (25 years). These two people aren't ninjas and were oh so not good at hiding this business. Sister says it's just "sex" but then she goes on how she enjoys being with this dude, etc etc and they hang out before and after the sexual business, and he starts spending the night.

The endpoint of this story is that my 33 year old work-friend is fucking my 19 year old baby sister and carrying on this "pseudo-relationship" with her which includes public social time under the disguise of being "just friends". And my sister won't tell me, instead she lies. And she will not hang out with me in favor of having this guy over. And this dude is someone who swore to me he is a great friend who I could always trust and blah blah blah. Yeah freaking RIGHT.

I don't get how they think they are so smart and I must be so freaking stupid. Can you explain that to me??? Seriously. I'm not an idiot. Don't assume me to be one. 

I feel so alone. Sad, alone, and I don't feel I can count on anyone. I had my basic belief system shattered when the last person I ever thought would betray me did, and I told myself I still have my family. But now, well I can't deny the fact any longer that my family can't be counted on either. So what am I left with? Myself? Yes. And to at least have that and have a good brain on my shoulders is something I am thankful for. I know that a huge helpful thing for bipolar is good social support, and I do not have that, and sometimes it is hard on me not having that. I'm sad and alone and feel as though I am a priority to no one. Which shouldn't be a big deal, but when I need someone to be there for me for something mental I'm going through, well I don't have shit. My general friends peaced out long ago. And even those closest to me have gone adrift. I wish things were different. I really do. I wish I had support and someone I could lean on. Someone that I know would have my back when we are down in a foxhole. But I don't. And that is my lot at this time so I need to accept it, work with it, and move forward.

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