GaMe 1: N7Kevin Noire - Le Hannibal Blog -
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GaMe 1: N7Kevin Noire

Disclaimer: This blog is completely ridiculous and is purely comedic, and should be treated like a ridiculous, comedic blog. 

It was hot out. The kind of hot where you can do nothing but sit in the line of fire of a sprinkler. You could fry an egg...bacon fact if your milk isn't curdled, you could whip up some tasty pancakes. I'm hungry...I wonder if there's a diner nearby...seriously I could kill a pancake right no-oops getting off track.

It was my first day on the job and the heat wasn't doing anything to help my edginess. I had just moved to L.A. from New York, so I could join up with L.A.'s finest. My new partner is some cat by the name of Cole Phelps. They say he's a real hot shot, and I could learn a thing or two from him. Also from what I've heard, he's a real hot head as well. But they say that about all cops. How bad could the guy be?

I was walking through the double doors, when I heard the yelling. It sounded like someone was angry, I heard what sounded like a melon being slapped with a flyswatter. Wait. Where did I get that? I don't think I've ever heard a melon get swatted by a flyswatter before. Crap getting off track again. Anyways I rushed up the stairs looking around for the source of all the commotion, and ended up outside the open door of an interrogation room. What I saw was beyond flabbergasting. 

A man was hitting a melon with a flyswatter ruthlessly. He was screaming at another man sitting in a chair across the table from him. "THIS IS YOUR FACE PIG!" The man with the flyswatter screamed, a vein pressing out against his skin. His face was constipation red.

"This melon is taking it like a champ!" He continued screaming at the bewildered man. "How about you? Are you a champ?"

The man swung the flyswatter inches away from the now crying man's face. The man with the flyswatter seemed to be almost aroused by the other man's tears.

A detective stepped forward, "Cole, it's okay," he began. "I got it from here bud." The man - who to my horror, is named Cole - looked questioningly at the detective. Almost as if he was contemplating striking him with his bug mutilating device. His more reasonable side won out and he threw the flyswatter on the table, and approached the door where I was standing.

"Oh hello," he said kindly. "You must be Kevin."

I stared back in a shocked wonder before sputtering out, "C-Cole Phelps?"

"That'd be me!" He exclaimed joyfully, as I accidentally let out a frightened squeal. "How'd you like your first lesson in interrogation kid?"

Trying to be as calm as humanly possible I answered back, "It was...interesting...what'd he do to set you off?" I couldn't help but ask that last part. 

Cole looked at me, almost like I had spoken Portuguese. "Set me off?" He questioned. "Oh! The melon! Well I have this knack for telling when someone is lying, and that filthy animal unintentionally knocked a piece of paper off the table, which in turn proved he was lying about something."

Stumped by his logic, I pressed on. "What did he supposedly do?"

"He made an illegal u-turn. So I brought the son of a b*tch in."

He had stated it like it was something normal to be arrested for, but before I could pull myself out of my frozen state of disbelief, he looped his arm around mine and bounded through the hallway, down the stairs, and out the front door, with me leaving a trail of tears and fear p*ss behind us.

He threw me through the open window of an elderly woman's car before screaming in her face, "Official police business mega b*tch!" He then hurled the senior citizen onto the sidewalk before jumping behind the wheel and speeding off.

I sat in horror as he made random turns at intersections, while making siren noises with his mouth. Then suddenly and with the upmost disregard for rationality, he screamed, "DUNG FLINGING ASTRO BEARD! IT'S GO TIME KEVIN BEAR!"

I looked at him sideways while making a mental note to call my family if I survived this, then followed his estranged gaze to a man selling magazines outside of a coffee shop.

He whipped the car into a parking space, and when I say "Whipped the car into a parking space" I mean he made a hard left and we went flipping across the freeway and onto the sidewalk. Cole kicked the windshield out, as his door was blocked by several human bodies.

He then started sprinting towards the horrified salesman and screamed "No soliciting, b*tch!"

At this point I was sprinting behind him (after punching myself in the groin to test reality) but was too late. Cole had already declared his next move - a dragon kick apparently - and did a spinning jump kick. Cole missed entirely and flew through the coffee shop window.

After the paramedics arrived to tend to the survivors, and I wrote an extensive police report while fighting tears, I headed home.

I sat back on my couch, thinking about when I would call the station to be transferred back to New York. Needing something to distract myself with, I cut on the tube. There was something incredibly disturbing onscreen. A news lady was talking about how hero-detective Cole Phelps, courageously bounded out of the hospital to check on my health.

ON cue Cole dragon kicked his way through my door. "You've been taught lessons one and two Kevin! It's time to learn lesson three: COMBAT!" He screamed everything, while giving me an incredibly homicidal gaze.

"What happened to checking on my health?!" I asked, panicking now.

"That was a ruse, Kev! I fooled them fools!" He then leapt into the air with his foot pointed horizontally toward my nose. Fortunately he just kind of jumped in place, and fell into a crumpled mess on the floor.

I took this opportunity to sprint out of the house. As I rounded the corner I could hear Cole huffing behind me.

"You must learn my ways, Kevin!" He bellowed.

I craned my head around to see him foaming at the mouth. Then I tripped.

Without a seconds delay he pounced on top of me while laughing maniacally, and shouted, "You're a liar!"

Mustering every ounce of strength I had in my body, I crane punched him in his jaw. He fell over onto the concrete and I pulled my legs up into my chest, and curled up into a ball while staring at his deranged shivering form.

After a few seconds of silence he stirred and began laughing again. "Welcome to the L.A.P.D. Kevin." He then said as he sat up.

My mind went numb. The world started spinning into a black and white mixture of tears and light. My body floated like an Eagle on a fluffy cloud, and time and space crept together and became one. My hands formed together, and became a bison snickering in the blackness of my new space, and it questioned me. Every time I gave an answer it angrily screamed at me and told me I was lying.

Then Le Hannibal ran out of ridiculous ideas.

*A final note* Jeez did I just write this? Well...check out my other blog that will be up later tonight. I promise it'll be profound :). Thanks for reading guys!