Asking if someone's pregnant when they're not

(78 Posts)
rebeccacraig0001 Mon 07-Jan-13 09:47:27


DozyDuck Mon 07-Jan-13 09:49:39



thebody Mon 07-Jan-13 09:51:04



Flobbadobs Mon 07-Jan-13 09:51:47


Bluestocking Mon 07-Jan-13 09:54:35



mumzy Mon 07-Jan-13 09:56:48


GrimmaTheNome Mon 07-Jan-13 09:57:17



TeamSledward Mon 07-Jan-13 09:59:54


bottleofbeer Mon 07-Jan-13 10:01:57




Piffpaffpoff Mon 07-Jan-13 10:03:18


BarredfromhavingStella Mon 07-Jan-13 10:03:20


You shouldn't ask unless it's blatantly obvious.

Tee2072 Mon 07-Jan-13 10:29:31


specialsubject Mon 07-Jan-13 10:35:59



Fakebook Mon 07-Jan-13 10:38:37


Tailtwister Mon 07-Jan-13 10:42:02



Weasleyismyking Mon 07-Jan-13 11:05:19


PeshwariNaan Mon 07-Jan-13 11:08:05


Tee2072 Mon 07-Jan-13 11:20:40


Pourquoimoi Mon 07-Jan-13 11:29:53




SomeoneInCam Mon 07-Jan-13 11:30:19




Moominsarehippos Mon 07-Jan-13 11:34:09

Just don't do it.



Red faces all round really.

RainyAfternoon Mon 07-Jan-13 12:39:07


PurpleStorm Mon 07-Jan-13 13:09:53

I don't think you should ever ask anyone if they're pregnant.



nannyof3 Mon 07-Jan-13 13:20:18


I currently have what looks like a 5-/6-month bump. I didn't have it before Christmas. I wore DH's jumper on the school run this morning to avoid well-meaning questioning.

It isn't mince pies; I'm miscarrying. And frankly it's the last conversation I want to have with people I don't know very well in front of small children.

I agree: you wait for heavy hints or contractions.

But... I help with a local antenatal support group, and constantly have to ambush pg women to advertise the group. I recommend such leading questions as "are you planning to have any more children at any point?" or "I'm so glad <mutual acquaintance> is pregnant" even though generally those would be rude in normal conversation.

I'd just started a new job and one of my bosses asked if I was 'with child' the first time I met her. I was shock and mumbled that i was, but not announcing it yet. I was pretty skinny & wearing a uniform that totally hid everything. So in certain it was to do with me looking queasy rather than a belly. I think some people have a really good pregnancy-dar and it's nothing to do with seeing a bump.

Still totally rude to ask though.

Egusta Mon 07-Jan-13 13:34:29

Oh Horatia I am so sorry. thanks

Last time I had someone ask when I was due I replied '2 and a half years ago'. and confused them. Then went home and cried. i do look very pg though. I have always had a wobbly tummy, even before babies.

Mu1berryBush Mon 07-Jan-13 13:35:21

Until recently I could say I'd never asked a woman if she was pregnant and been wrong, but unfortunately I said congratulations ot a woman I was certain must have been about 20 weeks. But she had been very, very slim (size 8) and she'd just stopped working at it because she had a health issue (don't know what). I was so embarrassed. There aren't words. She ended up trying to make me feel better.

happynewmind Mon 07-Jan-13 13:39:24

I have had this so much, especially when I had ovarian cysts and endometriosis.

My stomach used to swell that I looked bigger than when I was actually pregnant with the dc.

So many mortified people....

MrsTwinks Mon 07-Jan-13 13:50:51

Horatia, i had similar from my boss. I've had more than one early MC and the last time around not only was she constantly asking me my plans for a family, but I discovered she had told everyone I work with that I was sure to be leaving for maternity leave soon. She is unaware we are even TTC let alone the rest. SO inappropriate and never a concern that it might be totally the wrong thing to say to some people. Last time I went to my brothers I clocked my SIL looked bigger and even clocked her maternity notes but I still waited until she told us to say anything

On the funnier side many years ago I went into a chinese herbal medicine shop to ask for some ginger stuff as i get terrible motion sickness. trying to explain to the poor old man I was just fat not pregnant when english wasn't his first language was funny.

ArkadyRose Mon 07-Jan-13 14:10:33

One day whilst waiting to pick up DD3 from nursery, one of the other mothers actually patted my tummy and said "when's it due?"

I stared pointedly at her (rather large) stomach and said icily "About the same time as yours, I'd imagine." She wasn't a small woman. She went very red - especially as all the other mothers present were sniggering at her.

She turned red every time she saw me after that.

AllDirections Mon 07-Jan-13 14:19:13

I get asked all the time, actually I don't always get asked, people just assume that I AM pregnant, like the little old lady in the bank who tried to give me her seat shock

People are always more embarrassed than I am and I do try to make them feel better because I do look pregnant. I'm tall and slim and any weight goes on my tummy. I have to be under the minimum recommended weight for my heoght before I don't look pregnant any more.

Bluestocking Mon 07-Jan-13 14:28:21

I'm so sorry, Horatia.
Totally, I think you're right - my mum has fantastic preg-dar - she was a teacher and could always tell when one of her female colleagues was pregnant - but she never, never said anything to them. She used to come home and say "I'm sure Julie (or whoever) is pregnant" to us though. But not until we were plenty old enough to know better than to repeat this.

TheBigJessie Mon 07-Jan-13 15:12:10

Horatia I'm really sorry, for what a meaningless person on t'internet's opinion is worth.

For those of us who are just a bit erm, plump: "No, I'm just fat" in a cheery voice really works. Try it. Seriously.

Blue - my mum's the same! Both times she's told me I was pregnant before I had a clue and she's told me she thought my friend were pregnant after she's seen them for 10 minutes and she's been right every time! She'd never ask anyone outright (except me, who she had to pester to POAS for two weeks - twice!).

sherazade Mon 07-Jan-13 19:51:08

I think it's rude to ask and as a rule never ask.
but.. a few weeks ago I met up with some old friends for dinner and one brought her sister with her who I used ot know a while ago. She looked massive but had very loose clothing on, looked about 8 months pregnant to me but then you never know , I really didn't want to ask just in case she wasn't and had gained 2 stone in the stomach area! Anyway she eventually started talking about her pregnancy and I said 'oh you're pregnant? congratulations!', to which she replied, in a very annoyed manner ' thought you were never going to ask' to which I replied that I dont usually ask people if they're pregnant and she retorted ' so you thought this was all fat then, charming!'. there's no pleasing people hmm

HavingALittleFaithBaby Mon 07-Jan-13 20:25:42

sad Horatio, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yanbu OP! I got asked in April. It was mortifying for two reasons - one, I wasn't pregnant. Two, we had been TTC for over two years and I desparately wanted to be pregnant. I'd been off sick for a while including a spell in hospital on the gynae ward (only because that was where there was a bed). In addition I gained a stone having gone from running and eating well to being in lots of pain and mostly on the sofa for 6 weeks!
Busy body colleague asked me outright if I was having a baby. Course I blush to my roots so I felt like I'd denied it too much! But seriously, either I wasn't pregnant, I was pregnant and I didn't want to broadcast it so early, I'd had a miscarriage. Actually it still riles me now! And I am pregnant! But I've only been asked since I moved into maternity uniforms at work. Now that's made it fairly obvious! smile

Nope, never safe to ask!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jan-13 20:25:50

The only time I've had a cleavage was when pregnant and first time round, I was talking to a friend and could see her eyes go up and down and she said curiously,
"Donkeys anything you want to tell us?"

It could be Rebecca that you are simply glowing with health + wellbeing and people are mistaking that for a pregnant glow, rather than commenting on your body.

If it is someone you barely know asking you, a Paddington Bear hard stare and curt "No" will suffice. Likewise if it's someone that you see frequently who you suspect is making a dig at your size or shape. It's such a personal thing to ask and you can probably tell from their tone or expression if it's prompted by genuine warmth.

If it's a friend or colleague and they seem to be asking out of genuine interest or concern, just say, "No I'm not" without tensing or giving them a death glare. If you can manage to smile or laugh it off, even better.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 07-Jan-13 20:27:15

PS Horatia, so sorry.

rebeccacraig0001 Mon 07-Jan-13 21:51:10

Thanks mumsnetters, can always rely on you to make me feel better! I now have til next year to think of my witty (and ever so slightly snidey perhaps?) comment back to said woman. I can't ask her the same thing because she is far beyond child bearing years and skinny as a rake....actually, I'm too nice dor that anyway! Maybe by next year I'll just be skinny again.......!

legoballoon Mon 07-Jan-13 22:00:44

The person at your husband's Xmas do sounds perfectly horrible.

I did make the mistake of asking someone if they were pregnant when I was a niave and callow youth. Never again. (The person in question replied that her baby was 10 years old! A ground-open-up-and-swallow-me moment).

Since then I have acquired my own wobbly tummy and have been congratulated once at a birthday party, when I was very unpregnant but wearing an empire line frock, and once at a funeral, in a tunic top, where an elderly relative pumped my hand energetically and congratulated me on my growing family!!

In the first case I just said I wasn't pregnant, just a bit wobbly, and the woman in question looked horrified at her faux pas. In the second case I smiled vaguely and ignored it.

Clearly it would be lovely to have a washboard stomach, but for me, life's too short to do sit-ups. In the meantime I have bought some very old fashioned looking pants smile

Hassled Mon 07-Jan-13 22:05:45

I've been asked twice if I was pregnant when I wasn't and both times I just wanted to curl up and die. As a result, I make no pregnancy comments unless I can see that the belly button has done that sticky out thing. I have to be that sure.

The only plus-side of getting old is that people realise you just have a hell of a tummy and couldn't possibly still be fertile.

jamdonut Mon 07-Jan-13 22:12:42

Children at school ask me if I'm having a baby (Have a very large tummy blush)and I always say no, I'm just fat. They usually laugh because I said I was fat. Somehow that amuses young children confused

carabos Mon 07-Jan-13 22:52:55

I was once accused of being pregnant by a friend of a friend who at the time was desperately ttc (which I didn't know as we had just met).

I was neither fat nor pregnant, but she was a bit ttc crazy and assumed everyone but her was pregnant, about to be pregnant or recently delivered. It was quite bizarre.

There were three of us in the room, her, me and a mutual friend. Within about 10 mins of being introduced she gazed crazily at me and said she knew someone in the room was pregnant, she had a sixth sense about these things blah blah. She went on and on and on. I told her I wasn't but she wouldn't have it. Sad really.

Hobbitation Mon 07-Jan-13 23:11:47

I was about 6 months pregnant with DD2 at a wedding and was chatting with a lady I hadn't met before. DH was chatting to an old acquaintance who had never met me and must have been saying that we were expecting a second child. Acquaintance waltzed up towards us, turned to the lady and said "I hear congratulations are in order."

She took it in very good part but I felt mortified for her.

Schooldidi Mon 07-Jan-13 23:15:33

I was asked a couple of weeks after a miscarriage. I burst into tears and ran away sad. It was a colleague as well so it caused a bit of tension in the staff room for a while.

TWinklyLittleStar Mon 07-Jan-13 23:19:08

Since I started suffering from gallstones, my stomach occasionally bloats up massively (even now that I've had my gallbladder out).

It's happened today, because of work stress, and nobody has asked but it's been quite funny seeing them all clock my 'bump' and try to work it out smile My 'bump' is currently bigger than my actually pregnant colleague's! But everyone has been so polite it's unreal. wonder what they'll think when my belly shrinks during the week

StuntGirl Mon 07-Jan-13 23:58:41

My neighbour - who I don't know very well at all - asked me a few weeks ago. I am not now nor have I ever been pregnant! Was mortified. We've never really got on but she's been super nice to me since then, think she still feels embarrassed!

ZillionChocolate Tue 08-Jan-13 08:49:00

Sorry Horatia.

I think it's rude to ask people whether they are pregnant, or when they are going to be. Very personal issues which can be upsetting. MYOB!

fuzzypicklehead Tue 08-Jan-13 09:26:54

Oh god, people have done this to me several times. One bugger asked when I was due while I was interviewing him for a job! I brushed it off and did end up hiring him, and I'm sure he eventually worked out his mistake...

atthewelles Tue 08-Jan-13 10:33:57

I suffered from very bad fibroids a couple of years ago which made my stomach swell. It used to really upset me when people asked 'when are you due' and I was really surprised at the amount of people who did; including people I barely knew. Unless someone was practically going into labour in front of me I would never assume they were pregnant. You can seriously embarass and offend people by doing this.

TrazzleMISTLEtoes Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:53

Ugh, work colleague commented when I was 7 months pregnant with DS " ooh, I didn't realise you we're pregnant, I just thought you were fat!" and then at Christmas party once DS was 3 months old "so, when IS the baby due then?"

bigfuckoffpie Tue 08-Jan-13 10:47:12

I remember after ttc for ages, having an IVF miscarriage then failed IVFs then an IVF which ended up in an ectopic my last remaining tube getting removed. I had to get surgery on my abdomen and my stomach was all wobbly afterwards.

I had someone come up to me at a barbecue a few weeks later who I had never seen before and didn't know, and said "So when are you due then?". I said "What?" and she said "When are you due?"

It was hideous. I blurted out, "I had a miscarriage earlier this year" and she looked really embarrassed and tried to pat my shoulder pityingly, but I was on the point of tears so just glared at her until she went away.

I don't think it's a very nice thing to ask - you can't possibly know someone's backstory or, if they are pg, whether or not they want people to know.

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 10:58:51

I don't think you necessarily even have to look particularly pregnant to be asked this.

I have got a belly after four sections but I also think a bit of it is because I have had four and they were fairly closely spaced people got used to me being pregnant quite often so if I wore something that could be considered 'bump concealing' (anything empire line I suppose) people just assumed. I'm highly critical of my body but I've also really studied myself side on in clothing that's made people ask and been pretty sure I look fairly normal and not waddlingly pregnant. Childbearing age and anything floaty and I think people so assume, no matter what your body shape. So don't assume (if you're asked) it's because you've got a massive belly. Certain age and a bit of normal bloating and some nosy fool is going to ask.

BunFagFreddie Tue 08-Jan-13 11:05:35


In all fairness, floaty smock tops aren't very flattering on most people and even slim women can look pregnant wearing one. I think it said more about your top than it did about you.

SpicyPear Tue 08-Jan-13 11:05:51

Feel for you OP. I really don't understand why so many people think it's okay to say something. I have never been pregnant but did have a major gynae op similar with procedure similar to a cs and so if I put on any weight or bloat up around my period it tends to form a belly. Twice in the last six months people have commented and I know others have thought it. It's mortifying. No one should feel their body is being scrutinised or have to explain their shape. Makes my blood boil.

Glitterspy Tue 08-Jan-13 11:10:56

I find people often don't even ask, they just assume - total strangers asking "how long" "when's it due" "boy or girl" etc. I do find it awkward and intrusive, but I just think to myself well it probably comes from a good place and they're just trying to be nice. And try to not mind!

HavingALittleFaithBaby Tue 08-Jan-13 11:11:01

I ended up in hospital last night long story and webt and asked for an extra pillow to 'support the bump'. The HCA said Oh so you are pregnant then?! but better that she thought I probably was pregnant but didn't ask til I mentioned it! smile (Am home now!)

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 11:15:49

No, they're not particularly flattering and yes, it probably was the top that made her ask.

Key point is that she asked if I was. So, unsure? don't ask. It made the whole appointment embarrassing and uncomfortable for both of us and took the shine right off pre-weding stuff.

Mu1berryBush Tue 08-Jan-13 11:18:21

I go by that rule too, if you're not sure, don't ask but when I said congratulations to htat girl (further up thread) I thought I was sure confused

Piggychunk Tue 08-Jan-13 11:21:52

I took my son for his MMR and the nurse said to be you haven't got long to go.. I wasn't pg and how fat must my belly look if she though I 8-9 months gone... Never will forget sad

ginmakesitallok Tue 08-Jan-13 11:25:32

I've been asked quite a few times blush Once a girl asked "So, when are you due?" I just replied "I'm not pregnant", to which she replied "Are you sure??" FFS

Was going for a cig in work when some prat said "you shouldn't be doing that in your condition..", "What, fat???" was my reply

Was asked again by someone just before Christmas, I told her I was just fat. She was mortified and chased me down the corridor saying "I'm so sorry, I never meant, it's just that..." At least she had the decency to realise she'd been rude.

I carry all my weight round my tummy - so DO look pregnant sometimes. I need to lose weight...

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 11:26:42

It can be really confidence shattering but try and put it in perspective. Women tend to carry a bit of weight on their stomach anyway, you had a young child with you so she probably unconsciously put you in the zone of the baby years.

It could have been the way you were sitting, the clothes you were wearing rather than some massive belly. I've seen very slim women in empire type dresses (particularly in Summer when all the floaty dresses were the in thing) a slight curve of the stomach and you can look twice and wonder. It's really not necessarily a weight thing.

Mu1berryBush Tue 08-Jan-13 11:32:36

Yes, and in fact, a slim woman with a belly can make you think, oh definitely not a fat woman so therefore she must be pregnant. especially if she has a toddler.

FunnysInLaJardin Tue 08-Jan-13 11:37:52

I've been asked once or twice over the years. It does take you aback and can be quite upsetting. It really is the one thing you should never ever ask

I was once asked by a not very close friend who I hadn't seen for a good while 'Oh my, is that you having another baby?' (I only had two at the time. I answered with 'No, no, I'm just fat, that's all', and she started wittering on incontrollably that, no, it was that my boobs looked really big, much bigger than before, it was nothing to do with my stomach etc etc. It actually ended up being more cringe worthy for her than me. I just repeated that my boobs were bigger because I was fat. She pretty much left it there. smile

BunFagFreddie Tue 08-Jan-13 11:39:01

bottleofbeer, the day before your wedding is probably the worst time for it to happen.

Sometimes I look 6 months pregnant when I have trapped wind!

Viviennemary Tue 08-Jan-13 11:45:03

I don't think you should ever ask. Even if you think it's blatantly obvious. Because the person might still not be.

slatternlymother Tue 08-Jan-13 11:47:43

I don't ask even when people obviously are. Like, clear beachball sized bump and skinny everywhere else. Can you imagine asking and it was just part of an illness or something? shock

imogengladhart Tue 08-Jan-13 11:58:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bottleofbeer Tue 08-Jan-13 13:08:33

I've noticed I get a bit bloaty if I eat a lot of bread. So if I'm going out and wearing something that could possibly show up my belly I'll cut it out for a few days and it does go down considerably.

Thing is if you have kids and you're still in your chldbearing years people raise an eyebrow if you're out and not drinking or if you say you fancy a certain thing to eat. Just the way it is! I have no problem telling people it's not possible since I've been sterilised, I used to consider that a really private thing but it does stop the endless questions of "having more?" "oh, not drinking eh? wink wink!".

13Iggis Tue 08-Jan-13 13:16:56

I got to 38 weeks before some people I know finally realised it was not just fat - guess I know much more thoughtful people than some of you on this thread have had to put up with!

HungryHippo89 Tue 08-Jan-13 13:19:51

This happened to me on Christmas Eve ... my DP and I had one of his old school friends and wife round for a catch-up .. we probably haven't seen them in about a year and after the initial "hi - How are you's" OH friend turned to me and said "I'm not calling you fat but are you pregnant ..." Fortunately i'm not easily offended ... but still ... I would always go with the if you don't know .. don't ask ...



RooneyMara Tue 08-Jan-13 13:43:58



RooneyMara Tue 08-Jan-13 13:44:19

Btw I'd never ask in a deliberate effort to insult someone

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