Experience: I was smuggled into the UK

'A guy pointed out a smuggler and I asked him if he could get me to the UK for £100'
Experience: I was smuggled into the UK
'When you're a girl, travelling in this way, you just keep your mouth shut and do what you're told.' Photograph: Lydia Goldblatt for the Guardian

I left Iraq in 2007, when I was 16. I was being threatened by the paramilitary army Jaish al-Mahdi because I'm a Sunni and they are Shia. They would come to my house and intimidate me, or harass me on the street. The Jaish al-Mahdi were lawless – they kidnapped people and sometimes, if the family didn't pay the ransom, they would leave the hostages dead on the street.

My brother, who was 20 at the time, organised our escape. Using fake IDs, we went to Turkey in a car, then to France in the back of a truck, via Greece and Italy. In each country, while we waited for our next lift, we'd have to stay in run-down places the smugglers had organised. I didn't have a say on where we went, or how we got there. When you're a girl, travelling in this way, you just keep your mouth shut and do what you're told. I was always so scared of getting caught.

When we reached France, we tried to claim asylum at the American embassy. We thought they might help because my brother had worked for them, but they told us we weren't their problem. France didn't want us either. We were sent to a detention centre.

While I was there, I had a relationship and became pregnant. I knew my brother would be furious at my being with someone outside my community. A friend who was also in detention helped me get some money together and by the time someone told my brother, I'd had an abortion. He threatened to kill me, and I knew he meant it, and that if he didn't do it, his friends or others from our community would. I had no choice but to run away. I went to Calais, where I slept rough in the bushes of the illegal camp.

There were always dodgy people around the camp. A guy pointed out a smuggler and I asked him if he could get me to the UK for £100. I didn't know anyone in England, but I speak English and it was the only place I felt I would be able to make a new start. He laughed and told me there was no way he could take me for that amount. I had no other money and was terrified I would meet someone from my community. I told him I had to get there. So the smuggler did whatever he wanted to me, and he let his friends and so many other people do things to me, too. I was vulnerable and he exploited me.

He promised he would get me to the UK, but kept putting it off. Then he started saying he was going to send me to Glasgow, as there were other girls there. At first I didn't know what he was talking about, but then I figured out what he meant. I felt so lonely. After three months, I was put in the back of a truck, in one of those big boxes for refrigerators. At Dover the driver, an old man, put me in the front with him. He didn't speak much English, but I am guessing he felt sorry for me, because at Croydon he pointed to a building and told me to claim asylum there. I couldn't believe I was free.

The building turned out to be part of the Home Office. I told them that I had come straight from Iraq, because I was scared they would send me back to France, and my brother or his friends would kill me. But they had my fingerprints on the system, so I was sent to another detention centre to be put on a flight back to France. At the centre, a volunteer looked at my case and advised me to somehow stop my flight so she could find me a lawyer.

The next day, when they tried to put me on the plane, I began to struggle, screaming and shouting at the top of my voice. I'm quite a shy person, but I was fighting for my life. They took me back to the centre, which was awful – the security made it feel like a prison. My lawyer needed time to prove everything I'd said. In the end I was there for more than seven months. I became incredibly depressed and started to suffer constant panic attacks. Eventually a children's charity helped me leave and find a place at college. If I am allowed to stay, I would like to study law so I can help girls like me.

I'm still waiting to hear about my status. I don't think I will ever feel safe. If I see someone from my country, I avoid them or give a different nationality. It would be nice to meet someone who has had a similar thing happen to them. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so lonely.

As told to Hannah Pool.

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