See, here's where they get you.

For the Cubs and Sox, it's pretty apparent the sale of the year is here.

Everyone must go, and for the Cubs, that means the old favorites like Matt Garza and Alfonso Soriano.

However, they're going on a teaser run here, showing off for the fans and the scouts.

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For the fans: Don't fall for it. We need to send these guys on their way.

For the players, I'm warning you once and I'm being nice: When your turn comes, kindly get the hell out of here.

Hey, I know. Chicago. Nice town. Fans will love, love, love you until the end of time—even if you're average. This means you, Matt Garza. You're .500. You're going to go to a contender. Please, don't pull an Alfonso Soriano and decline a trade to the San Francisco Giants (Last year, anyone. Sick. Could have had a ring).

So, Mr. Garza, none of this "I want to be a part of the turnaround." No more "It would be so awesome to win it all here." Hey, question for all you mopes. If it's so awesome to win here, how come you aren't doing it now?

The same could be said of Mr. Alex Rios. Don't let those six hits the other night fool you. The guy hasn't homered in a month and I'm afraid must go to the highest bidder. We wish him well.

The Sox are a bit more frustrating because, darn it, the pitching may be good enough. Jake Peavy. John Danks. Chris Sale. Jose Quintana. Dylan Axelrod. Not bad. But man, no offense. Snooze.

Just a quick not to the GMs: You hold the cards. Bring me winners.

OK, congratulations to Chris Chelios, one of the few Chicago guys who made good—in Chicago. In fact, as he enters the Hall of Fame, I am going to forget (forgive? Both?) the fact that the guy has a Cheli's Chili about oh, 20 yards from—brace yourselves—Comerica Park in Detroit.

It's true. But a good Chicago guy gets a pass.

Justin Bieber does not, however. He'll never work in this town again.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.
