Brad Pitt Devoured by Lions


1) The Lion King 3D — $22.1M
Naaaaaaaaaants ingonyama bagithi Baba!!! Once again Rafiki has taken his magic gourd-cane and conjured up lots more box office monies for Disney. Man must Disney be glad they created this monkey wizard who keeps making them get more money. And really shouldn't we all be glad that Disney is getting more money? If there's one thing that Disney needs, it's more money. So they can keep giving us quality entertainments like So Random and Good Luck Charlie. I mean, it's important that they have money so they can do such things. And remember, Disney is building that whole Avatar landed in Orlando, so obviously they'll need money to do that. Because that's going to be so great, doing all those things from that movie, like fighting robot Stephen Lang. Yup. Disney just needs the scratch, so it's a good thing this re-release has already made $60 million. Never was there a more deserving company.

2) Moneyball — $20.6M
Not since Major League II has a movie about baseball so entranced the nation. Apparently this movie got a very good grade, an A in fact, in audience exit polling, so that's a good sign for its longevity. That's pretty exciting for all involved. I mean, there are just a lot of likable people involved with this movie, from Pitt to costars Jonah Hill and Chris Pratt and Philip Seymour Hoffman to director Bennett Miller to, yeah, what the heck, co-writer Aaron Sorkin. Just some likable dudes. And hey, even though it's a baseball movie and thus pretty dude centric (A League of Their Own heavily weights the average, but still), there are even some likable ladies in Robin Wright and Tammy Blanchard. So good on this movie! I'm happy for it. Of course, I didn't bother to give it my money this weekend. I mean, it's about baseball. I mean, come on. (No, I would totally see this, but I saw The Debt instead, and it was just OK.)

3) Dolphin Tale — $20.2M
Oh great. Good thing this one did well. There's nothing I like more than watching a bunch of people spend thousands of dollars and hundreds of man hours doing medical prosthesis work for a freaking dolphin when we're involved in this whole human mess. I mean, yes, dolphins are people too, or not people but you know, and I'm sure it's a heartwarming story, one that does actually involve a soldier amputee, but really all this work for what? Dolphin tail technology is probably not going to help anybody, right? I mean, they can't apply that technology to someone's missing leg. "Yeah, I went to go see Dr. Morgan Freeman about this and he gave me this damn dolphin tail. He said it's the only thing he knows how to do anymore. Thanks a lot, Dr. Morgan Freeman." It just seems a bit much, is all I'm saying. Dolphins are great and all, but how much time and money was spent by an obviously talented member of the medical community on this thing? Call me a jerk, but it just all seems a bit dopey.

4) Abduction — $11.2M
For a Bel Ami audition film, this did pretty well. For a big action movie that was supposed to launch muscleteen Taylor Lautner into the movie star stratosphere? Kinda disappointing. What, did all the action still not convince teenage boys to go or something? "I mean, I like parkour and stuff, and there's guns and whatever, but all the girls at school are always talking about Taylor Lautner and, like, it's so annoying. Man, I hate that kid." I have a feeling that's maybe what happened. I mean, if Robert Pattinson was in a movie called GunTits: The Adventures of Gun Tits, I feel like teenage boys would still not see it out of spite. They don't like competition for their womenfolk, and those Twilight lads are stiff (especially stiff in one case, seeing as he's dead, hyuk) competition. I'll have to admit, while I'm certainly not competing for the affections of teenage girls (well, I am, but like the chaste kind — I'm just really hoping they like my new novel Queenie Meanie and the Great First Date Freakout), I kind of feel the same way about Lautner in this movie. Him? Why am I going to go see him do all this grown-up action stuff? It just doesn't play. Sorry, kid. Back to shirtless wolf wanderings for you, I guess.

5) Killer Elite — $9.5M
Aw. Now this really should have done better! It cost twice as much to make as Abduction and everything. ($70 million compared to $35.) And what a cast of angry, gun-shooting Brits! And Robert De Niro. He's in this one too. But mostly it's the tough-guy Brit stylings of Clive Owen and Jason Statham going at it for two hours. Man, why didn't I see this this weekend? There I was ogling over Sam Worthington and watching Nazis get stabbed while the Angelika Express rumbled through every five damn minutes, when I could have been up in Union Square watching Clive Owen and Jason Statham throw guns at each other. Choices, America! We all make choices, we all must and should. But sometimes we make the wrong ones. Seems like a lot of you made the wrong choice too. So let's all do our penance and see this movie after work, or hell during work, some time this week, OK? We owe it to them, I think. We really do.