zombies, romance, how-to, dating, love

Geek to Die: How to date the dead

With the pool of the living steadily draining since March 28th, it is becoming increasingly difficult for the libidinous Deathhacker to find someone to go out on that hot date. It seems like all the good ones are either being torn apart by their entrails or lumbering around as the cannibalistic undead. Even in the best of times, it was hard to find a compatible partner — now, it sometimes seems impossible! But wait — why not date the dead? That's what many prospective necrophiles are asking themselves.

Our answer: no reason at all! Here's some tips we've collected on how to find that special undead someone.

Don't be hemmed in by your own sex appeal. Dating the walking dead means never being not good enough for someone. That dashing, lantern-jawed Gucci model you see sometimes at Starbucks? The sultry sylph at your office with the wiggle in her walk? While asking them out before Z-Day would have resulted in them pointing you and hysterically guffawing while pantomiming vomiting sounds in the back of their throat, who's laughing now? They're dead and you're alive. That means you're the hottie.

Their lips may scream "Brainsssss!" but their eyes say "Yes!" Easily lure your new lover to your bedroom with a piece of meat. Then chain them to the wall like you'd always planned to do if you'd ever gotten a boyfriend or girlfriend in real life. Remember: dead girls don't say no!

Just because they're zombies doesn't mean you can't have romance. Although taking bubble baths together is right out, there's still lots of romantic things you can do with your new sweetie. As rigor mortis sets in, your lover will appreciate a sensuous massage. A heart shaped candy box filled with pulsating morsels of raw human flesh is the perfect gift to show you care — if you can't find a heart-shaped candy box, how about just a heart? Languid walks on the beach can be accomplished with a leather collar attached to a sturdy ten foot pole. And the zombie apocalypse is the perfect opportunity to have that obnoxious in-law over for dinner!

Dress him the way you want! There's no reason your undead beau or belle has to walk around in the slimy, beetle-infested tatters of a garbage man's uniform, or in that gore-soaked ballerina's costume. The zombie apocalypse is the perfect reason to do what you've always wanted to do for your living significant others anyway: transform them into giant, sexually-active Barbie and Ken dolls! Now you can transform Joe Shlub into James Bond or Mousy Miss into Slutty Catholic Schoolgirl.

No Frenching. This one really should be obvious, but we've heard enough Deathhackers sloppily gurgling about this through mouthfuls of bloody soup to pass on a word of warning. Obviously, no matter how great the attachment between you and your loved one, you need to keep away from teeth and claws. Many necrophiles have recommended bringing your lover to the local dentist and having the teeth taken out. But why pay so much money for something you can do at home for free? Simply put your lover's head in a garage vice and take them out with a hammer or pair of pliers! Your lips will thank you!

Like real lovers, the undead are disposable. Sick of your sweetie's midnight gaseous emissions? Weary of a monotonous sex life that always seems to end with you feeling ashamed and filthy? Is your lover's personal cleanliness becoming an issue? Remember, just like dating a living person, an undead lover is an emotionless meat puppet, disposable the moment you've satisfied your base and selfish urges... but unlike the living, you can just kick them out of bed, shoot them in the head, then go out and get yourself another! Finally, an end to messy break-ups! (depends what you consider messy! - ed.)

Got more tips? Send 'em in to tips at lifehacker.com.