Joke of the day

Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Joke N° 5242
Medical Diagnosis
"I can’t find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking." "In that case," replied his patient, "I’ll come back when you’re sober."
Ryan Murphy
Joke N° 5243
Fresh out of business school, a young man answered a "Help Wanted" ad for an accountant. He was interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me." "Excuse me?" the young accountant said. "I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back." "I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?" "I will start you at $85,000." "$85,000!!!" the young accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?" "That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
Ryan Murphy
Joke N° 5244
Hard Times
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says: "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies: "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says: "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies: "I know. That's from your Grandma."
Ryan Murphy
Joke N° 5245
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely." To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raises his hand and says: "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher replies: "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy." Another student says: "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies: "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher: "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said: "No. But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies: "Then I definitely shit my pants."
Ryan Murphy
Joke N° 5246
Lost In The Snow
A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her father had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her father had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said: "Well, I’m done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. You can follow me over to K-Mart now if you like."
Ryan Murphy
Joke N° 5247
The Beat Goes On
A drummer has had enough of being the butt of all of his friends’ jokes and decides to become a lead guitar player. He goes to a shop, waves a pile of cash at the man behind the counter, and says: "I want a Fender Strat and a Gibson SG. I want massive Marshall amps. I want a whole floor of effects pedals and top-of-the-line cables. And I want a really cool strap because I am going to be the greatest guitarist the world has ever seen." The man at the counter says: "You're a drummer aren't you?" The drummer says: "Yes, how did you know?" The man replies: "This is an ice cream shop."
Ryan Murphy
Joke N° 5248
Leaky Faucet
A plumber attended to a leaky faucet at a neurosurgeon's house. After a two-minute job, he demanded $150. The neurosurgeon exclaimed: "I don't even charge that amount and I am a brain surgeon." The plumber replied: "I agree! I didn't either when I was a surgeon. That's why I switched to plumbing."
Ryan Murphy

More Like This


      Best of the Web

        Special Features