Special needs: Friends find it hard to complain around me

2012-10-26 12:42:44

I hear it all the time.

"I'm sorry," they tell me, expecting me to be offended, hurt, annoyed. But I am neither of these things.

"It's okay," I tell them, and mean it.

Most of my friends don't like to complain in front of me. On more than one ocassion, while deep in conversation about the mundane things in life and the daily stresses of parenthood, a look of humiliation will cross a pal's face as she realizes who she's complaining to: a parent of a special needs child.

That's when the backpeddling - "Oh, it's not so bad, we'll manage," - and flustered apoligizing - "Oh man, I can't believe I just said that, I feel like such a jerk," - begins and I am forced once again to reassure my friend and attempt to pick up the pieces of our interrupted dialogue.

Yes, I have a special needs son. No, that doesn't mean I live a life frought with daily tragedy. Yes, I too find myself getting worked up about the little things in life, but that's where the blessing of raising a special needs child comes in: I have a constant reminder to keep things in perspective. That's probably where truly, we differ the most.

I don't often sweat the small stuff for very long.

But that doesn't mean others can't or shouldn't. And the stuff that's seemingly "small" from where I sit could be incredibly painful or difficult from someone else's chair.

The bottom line is it's not a competition, and I'm not keeping tabs. There's no universal law that says I have more reason or right to complain about my life than anyone else, no heirarchy of what constitutes a legitimate reason to whine or get stressed. I want to hear about the things others worry about, because more often than not, despite what they may think, I can relate to many of those concerns.

We all want our children to thrive, to be healthy, to learn, to have friends and meaningful relationships. We all want our children to feel safe and protected, to be nourished physically, emotionally and spiritually. We all want what's best for our kids, regardless of whether our child is special needs or not.

I don't want the people around me to filter their converstations because they feel their worries and complaints aren't valid in the eyes of a mother whose son has special needs. Their worries are valid. Parenting is difficult and rewarding for all of us, regardless of the details.

Did your daughter bruise her knee during gymnatstics and you're worried she's having trouble walking? Did your son get called names at school and your heart is broken? Tell me. I care. I'm not standing in front of you, pretending to listen, all the while thinking, "Are you serious? She's complaing about a stupid bruise or some first grade bullies while I have to worry about Andrew's seizures?"

It's not always the thing we worry about that binds us as parents -- it's the feelings those worries bring to the surface that are the common thread in parentin. It's the feeling that we are powerless sometimes, we don't have all the answers, and we've made more mistakes than we maybe care to admit.

It's the feeling that we may be alone in our feelings.

Granted, the majority of my friends cannot relate to raising a special needs child. But we're all moms and dads and that should be enough to get a decent conversation going -- the kind of conversation where at one point or another, both of us are shaking our heads in unison and saying, "Yeah. That."

So talk to me. Freely. I want to know, and I'm not judging you, I promise.

Plus, it's hard to be a good listener when people assume you don't want to hear what they've got to say.

I'm not a martyr, I'm not miserable, I'm not running around the planet with a "woe is me" attitude. For the most part, my life is great; my special needs son is amazing and so is his brother, and I'm a lucky mom to be blessed with the very important task of not completely screwing up either one of my kids.

See? We have way more in common than you think.

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