Parents want gossip-free zone for child

Joe Dill Published:

DEAR AMY: My husband and I excitedly are preparing for our little ones first birthday party, and many friends and relatives will be attending. If past family get-togethers serve as a crystal ball, what likely will happen is the relatives who do attend will gossip or put down relatives who dont attend (or criticize those who show up late or leave early). How can we diplomatically request a gossip-free, criticism-free two hours for this very important celebration (and future celebrations that we host)? Or do we have to just let these relatives spew their poison and then teach our little one later in life how gossip and negative put-downs hurt people? Wondering Mom DEAR WONDERING: Start now to raise your child in a poison-free atmosphere. Just as many smart people dont permit smoking in front of their kids, you should put the word out you are trying to establish a healthy environment for your family. Relatives who smoke learn not to do so in other peoples homes. Relatives who gossip should learn not to do so in your home. Tell the worst offenders, good-naturedly, you dont want them to pick on, harass or criticize other family members in your home. Your home should be a gossip-free zone. At the party, if family members forget their good manners, say, Remember what we talked about? Lets not do that here, and provide them with an alternative topic or give them a job to do on the theory idle hands and mouths are the devils playground. This could take a while, but I give you credit for establishing a healthy environment in which your child will grow and thrive. DEAR AMY: My wife of almost 20 years doesnt like to maintain relationships with new married couples we meet if she thinks the women in these couples are more physically attractive than her. Despite the fact she is very attractive, she thinks she has body defects (she thinks that her feet are too large, her nose is large, she is not as tall as she would like to be, etc.). Every time were in the company of someone she thinks is more physically attractive, she acts different and later accuses me of completely ignoring her and of paying too much attention to the other woman. I tell her I cant simply be silent and my conversations do not mean I ignore or forget about her. She doesnt believe me. Lately, it seems easier not to meet or talk to people rather than have a fight later with my wife. To not upset her, I am avoiding some old friends and acquaintances. When were alone, everything is fine. She is sweet, caring and loving. I cant confront her when she is in a good mood. What should I do? AK DEAR AK: I have a theory about middle age. As in adolescence, one day you look around and notice that everyone else on the planet is more attractive than you are. You shouldnt CONFRONT your wife when she is in a good mood but thats the perfect time to have a conversation with her. Ask her what you could do to make these interactions easier for her, but also let her know her insecurities arent going to dominate your behavior. It isnt fair of your wife to attempt to control your interactions with other people. She needs to learn how to behave like the grown-up she is. Being charming, involved and engaged is the best way for her to keep your and other peoples attention in a crowd. If you and your wife dont find a way around this impasse, a counselor could help you two express yourselves, understand each other and negotiate new ways to behave.

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