Dr Gerry Mander: the therapist the stars trust

Yes we can? Well, no we can't. A president seeks help

Dear Dr Mander

A couple of years ago, I was the most popular guy on the planet. I'm talking adulation. Yes we can! Remember that? That was me. Well, it turns out that, in fact, we can't. I mean, I really want to. I've still got the audacity of hope. But I seem to have difficulty bringing people with me. Now my party is about to get annihilated in Congress. I know I've got a few things wrong. That healthcare stuff was really messy. But you should see what I'm up against. Being angry with the president is to be expected, especially in tough economic times. But these Tea party guys are nuts. I need a plan.

B Obama

Dear Mr Obama

You have two problems disguised as one. First, you are used to getting things done by persuasion, using charm. That only works on people who are open to being persuaded. Second, you won the election as the underdog insurgent. That status expires once you are installed So the tools that got you the job aren't much use in actually doing the job, and all the angry people who were against you to begin with are exploiting your paralysis to present you as a fraud. You need to reclaim some of that outsider fighting spirit, but it will probably only happen once you've been pummelled in the midterm elections.

And you need a big idea that will simultaneously shore up your core support, seize the electoral middle ground and revitalise politics in a way that gives new legitimacy to collectivist solutions as a response to the iniquities of rampant global capitalism. Good luck with that. When you find it, pass it on to the leader of our Labour party.

Dear Dr Mander

For nearly 30 years, I've been delivering the post in Greendale, my local community. It is a rural area, so the volumes of mail are quite small, but I know everyone in the village and like to think that my work makes a valuable contribution. I also employ my black-and-white cat, Jess, on a casual basis. We are both very worried about the future of our service.

There is a lot of talk around of privatisation. Can you reassure us?


Dear Pat

There will have to be some major changes to deal with extraordinary financial circumstances. But privatisation is a very loaded term. Under government plans, your Greendale postal delivery functions are due to be merged with the fire department in nearby Pontypandy, currently run by Fireman Sam.

This new combined service will distribute mail and extinguish conflagrations over a new administrative area covering both former catchments. To ensure maximum efficiency savings, the merger will be conducted by a private sector management team appointed by competitive tender.

The only candidate at present is Bob's Building Services, a commercial contractor with lots of experience of getting jobs done.

Sadly, some headcount rationalisation is likely in the new fire and post service, so you and Sam will have to reapply for one vacancy.

Jess, meanwhile, will be free to provide black-and-white cat support services on a voluntary basis, in line with the coalition's vision of a Big Society.

Dear Dr Mander

I've got car trouble. I traded in my old Opposition Focus 1.0d hatchback – reliable but unsexy – and got myself a Coalition Escort convertible. Real power!

But I keep hearing a whining noise from the passenger side every time I execute a U-turn. Is this normal?

N Clegg

Dear Mr Clegg

Coalitions are notoriously unreliable and nearly always break down after a few years.

And there's not much resale market for used Escorts. You'd be better off hitching a lift in the Coalition Senior Partner 4X4.

Dr Gerry Mander shares his consulting room with Rafael Behr