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Olympics: Painted ladies of the pool are waving not drowning

Sequins and eye-liner at the ready - Marina Hyde in Beijing on what makes a synchronised swimmer tick
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Anastasia Davydova and Anastasia Ermakova of Russia
Anastasia Davydova, left, and Anastasia Ermakova of Russia. Photograph: Reuters

For the Atlanta Games in 1996, the French synchronised swimming team prepared a routine based on the Holocaust. They were to goose-step toward the pool, before diving in and re-enacting the arrival of female Jews at the concentration camps, their abuse by Nazi doctors and their last march to the gas chambers. It would be set to music from Schindler's List. Alas, reminding us why politicians should never meddle in sport, they were ordered to abandon the enterprise by the then French sports minister, despite their protestations that it had "great emotional value".

In yesterday's synchronised duets final, the Russian pair of Anastasia Davydova and Anastasia Ermakova took gold without having their artistic vision compromised by some hypersensitive Kremlin drone. Their routine was inspired by the arguably less controversial Peer Gynt Suite. Having led from the earlier technical round, the Anastasias produced a spectacular freestyle routine, for which they scored perfect marks from every judge.

Spain won silver, while Japan took bronze, but there was disappointment for China's identical twins Jiang Tingting and Jiang Wenwen. Despite having a move that literally no one else can do - they make a square with their legs that usually takes four swimmers - they just missed out on a medal for their routine titled Que Yue.

Que Yue apparently translates as "little birds jumping and flying happily", for anyone imagining an aquatic rendering of the Great Leap famine.

One of two sets of twins in this event (think of it as Mother Nature's version of performance enhancement), the Jiangs even synchronise digestive complaints. "If one of them was to say 'I have a stomach ache'," their coach explained, "the other would say 'Me too'."

Highlights of the final? The Chinese twins acknowledging crowd cheers with synchronised waves. The sequinned, appliqued drops of blood on the backs of the Ukrainian pair's military-themed swimsuits - totally unexplained, and apparently not something they cared to discuss with the media after the event. The IOC's Davros, Juan Antonio Samaranch, lunging in for the kiss that is owed him - owed him, I tell you! - each time he hands over a medal. Actually that's not true. He let the Japanese girls off. Then there was the American pair's revelation that their competition build-up involves an hour in hair and make-up. The secret to those patent-smooth heads? Flavourless gelatine, kids. There is no more noble cause in which a cow could die.

Not that these painted ladies aren't tough. One of the American synchronised swimming team set the all-time, all-gender record for consecutive press-ups at the US Olympic Training Centre in Colorado, and their head choreographer Stephan Miermont has promised Saturday's team routine will change everything you thought you knew about synchronised swimming. The USA are going to - and this is a technical term - bring it.

He explains he has gone back to the Bible for inspiration; he claims the routine is so complex many who see it will not understand it. Come Saturday night, a new synchronised swimming will rise from the water: faster, higher, stronger - and maybe even camper.

Frankly, you have to love a sports coach who announces, as Miermont did this week: "I don't really care about the score, we can't control that. What I want is a standing ovation." Stephan is used to those, having been a choreographer at Cirque Du Soleil. Hopefully Saturday won't find one of his rivals snorting "Was that your routine? Or a performance of Cirque Du So Lame?"

World cinema fans will recognise the line as one of Will Ferrell's from the figure-skating, stereotype-busting meisterwerk that is Blades of Glory - and the reference couldn't be more relevant. Synchronised swimming is currently living the plot of a Will Ferrell movie. Put briefly: it's a sport with a glass ceiling. And because of the Guardian's commitment to examining the gender discrimination issues that affect us all, you need to hear about Kenyon Smith, an 18-year-old American champion who many believe would be on the US synchronised team were it not for the fact that he just happens to be a guy.

Only women are allowed to compete in synchronised swimming at the Olympics - just like they get all the best jobs and higher pay and stuff in real life. But seriously: Kenyon is the lone male swimmer with the prestigious Californian Aquamaids club, a veritable hotbed of female US synch team members. He came second in national competition, where men can compete with women; and he so wanted to come to Beijing that he attended the Olympic trials. Kenyon had made the second-to-last cut when his coach was informed he was disqualified on gender grounds. The Federation International de Natation Amateur ruled that "we cannot allow men in a women's sport".

Yes, this one has Ferrell written all over it. For now, though, it's just a lone guy in sequins fighting the system, and even those Russians' joy should be tinged with a tear for him. Their make-up can definitely take it.

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