Okay, I so need to get a life. You name a song, I can make a Dark Angel story about it.

Disclaimer: Another songfic. This time it's "My Heart Will Never Know" by Clay Walker. Post AJBAC, pre-DT. I'm way too psychotic for my own good, but what the Hell. Logan's reflection of losing Max. And because he's a grieving man, he tends to jump from one thought to another. Or so I argue…

Okay, I just realized how horribly written it was and *tried* to fix it. To no avail, but it's at least a bit longer now. I need something to keep me distracted from the fact that, despite desperate efforts, I MISSED FREAK NATION! WHICH MEANS THE SHIP, APPEARENTLY BAD STUFF FOR WHITE, EVERYTHING *collapses* But I'm getting it sent to me right now :D I love the Internet.


I pour two cups of coffee, leaving one out for Max. I'm sure she'll want it when she drops by. I remove yesterday's from the table and drop it in the sink. I guess it's another day gone by. I go into my computer room and take out the papers I'm working on. Trying to track down Manticore's funding. I pause as I spy a brown manila envelope on top of the paper work. I know it's not mine. I pick it up, hoping for a clue to the identity of the sender. Nothing.

The contents prove to be much more informative however. Several classified documents. Looks like Lydecker really does want Manticore gone. Or at least Renfro's reign.

It's mostly financial transactions, a bit of program info and the like. One passage, from a personal letter, catches my eye. I pause.

The 12 x5 escapees are considered top priority. Immediate capture and reindoctration is necessary. Failure to do so may result in funding cutbacks.

It's funny how something that simple can catch me off balance. And it was ridiculous. I may not want to accept Max's death, and I certainly don't believe it, but the mere thought of the malice behind the letter astounds me. I had lost Max. Charlie had lost Tinga. All the x5s had lost their big brother. I'm pretty certain Brin was another write off to Manticore's evil. And all they got was a threatening mention to recapture them like they were animals. Max always told me that they just wanted to lock her up in a cage, but it never really sunk in. Sure, I knew that weren't exactly going to have a homecoming party, but it never occurred to me that all the horror stories were TRUE. True definitely, but not TRUE. I don't know what the difference is.

Max is gone. All thanks to you Cale, I remind myself bitterly. I know it's not really my fault, she said so herself. Max would've done it whether or not you approved, I try to convince myself. No luck. I remember something Zack once said, that time Max should have left Seattle. Another thing that's my fault. "There's no such thing as luck. Success depends on a well thought out plan executed with precision." Why didn't you tell her that Zack? Maybe she would have listened to you. But maybe I'm wrong. She never listened with her head, it was always about her family. I doubt she would have waited for a better plan, even if we could think of one.

Every night I leave the light on, she's just working late Turning it off is like ignoring her. I can't bring myself to do it. She might drop by later, even if I'm sleeping. Grab something to eat and blaze. As far as I can see, everything is still the same.


And my heart will never know,

so I don't fall apart.

I fool myself for another day that you're not really gone.

And after all this time it's still too hard to let you go.

As long as I don't say goodbye,

my heart will never know


The weather has been nasty lately. I make sure to leave some hot water so she can shower, I know she hates the rain. But it always reminds me of the night I realized that she trusted me. Pouring rain, and the two of us went for a spin in the park. Despite the fact neither one of us really wanted to talk, I knew what happened to her. And she knew what happened with Valerie and I. We were always like that, more of a team then individuals. I had never known what that was before I met her. she knew it though, she knew everything it seems. Sometimes I wish we had stayed like that, in that moment when it seemed nothing could go wrong.

I found her pager the other day, caught up in the sofa cushions. I had picked up the phone and hit the speed dial to tell her about my latest break before I realized what I was doing. A soft bleep from the settee drew my attention from the computer screen. I was convinced it was for me, that she was paging me. looking back at it now, I realize I must have looked like a fool. Sitting in a pile of cushions staring at a piece of plastic, convinced that it was going to bring back my dead love. Tears sliding down my unshaven cheeks. It's the first I've cried for her, really straight out cried. In retrospect, I hid behind anger. Drunk too much, laughed too little and somewhere in between I missed her. It's the last link I have to her besides memories. Why would they take Max? She was just trying to help people. Another thing you got her involved in Cale. Cynicism has become a part of life for me, a coping method if you like.

She's a part of me, a part of everything I do. Every broadcast I make, every breath I take, she's part of it. So I keep holding on, and hiding from the truth.

I wander out into the kitchen. Wander. I love that word, it's all I've done in 2 months. Wander around helplessly, piling on Eyes Only work and smiling when they say I'll get over it. Nobody realizes just how much I miss Max. she was the bright spot, the ray of hope that the world really wasn't lost yet. She did her best, she changed from being a selfish girl with too much attitude into a young woman who really did want to make a difference. She still had a long way to go, I wouldn't try and say anything different, but she was getting there. But they cut her short, like a tree that never reached its prime. Friends, or the few that are still left, think I'll get over it, move on, but I don't know how. Adjusting isn't worth it anymore, nothing is. All I have now are memories. Everything else is second best. I won't settle for that, I can't.

Consequently I hide my feelings, Max can't really be gone. Not that way. It wasn't fair. And my heart will never know, so I don't fall apart. I fool myself for another day that she's not really gone. And after all this time it's still too hard to let her go.

As long as I don't say goodbye, my heart will never know.


Good? Bad? In between? R&R, I need all the support I can get. Therapy may also be in order…at least that's what Joe the Rubber Chicken says.