HowTo:Survive with Soap in Your Eyes

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How many times have you been enjoying a nice, warm shower, sloshing the warm, white bubbles all over your glistening naked body when all of a sudden, your eyes feel the stinging pain of a million scorpion tails, jabbing incessantly into your retinas!?! You scream in terror and slip on a puddle of shampoo formed around your feet! You fall with limbs flailing and smash your head on the unforgiving bathtub! Your cranial fluids circle the drain... everything goes black...

When you awaken, the bathtub is lined to the brim with red, and a dull, airy pain surrounds your skull. All is black. No, you're not dead - you just have soap in your eyes.

What now?

Good question. You have two choices:

  • You realize how hurt you are and climb wearily out of the tub. Try to wash your eyes out with water before continuing. Be careful - your brains may fall out. Don't bother getting dressed or turning off the shower, that's not important. What's important is your survival. Get to a phone and call an ambulance. Wait calmly until the paramedics arrive.
or, if you're not a pussy...
  • You realize how gosh-darned filthy you are and decide to continue your shower.

If you didn't choose number 2, you sir are a wimp and you do not deserve to read this. Go read something more suited for your underdeveloped mind.

Good, now that the losers are gone, it's time to get down to business.

So you decided to finish that shower

Not shampoo

Good. First of all, stand up. Get a feel for your surroundings. Vision is useless to you, so must hone your other senses. Yes, you have other senses. What's that? ... You feel something warm and round and fuzzy? Those, my friend, are your genitalia. Be careful with those, you might need them later. While you're at it, check yourself for testicular cancer. What's that? ... You're a female? Hmm... do you remember getting into the shower with anyone? ... No? Oh. Just ignore it, then. Hey! I didn't say you could let go! It feels nice...

Now, feel around for a bottle of shampoo. Found It yet? Good. Put it in your hair. ... What? ... It burns? Well, that's either because it's seeping into your cranial cavity or because its maximum-strength acne remover. Or both. Probably both.

Now that the stinging has subsided, feel around for the soap. If you happen to be in a prison, do so with caution. Missing soap, temporary blindness, and large, frustrated men do not make for a pleasant shower.

You found it! Good job. Now hold on tightly, you don't want to lose it aga- huh? Oh. Well, maybe you shouldn't have held on so tightly. ... What do you do with a handful of crushed soap? Hell, I don't know. Let's save that for another HowTo shall we? For now, do the best you can. Of course you have to finish taking a shower! You're filthy! What a stupid question. Perhaps you shouldn't have gone mud wrestling this morning, huh? Anyhow, remember to wash all over... that's right... all over...

Getting out of the shower

Ahem! ...Now, then. The hardest your soapy ordeal will be getting out of the shower. It's really easy to slip at this stage, but in the event of a try to grab on to something hard and firm...yes, the towel rack.

As I can see, you have one of those showers with the cheap plastic drape-thingy. it doesn't matter where you decide to exit the shower, just try not to step in the toilet on your way ou- shit! *sigh... I guess that's my fault. Sometimes I forget to flush...

What? No...I'm your guardian angel. Just forget it - do you remember where the sink is? Good. Find it and wait there while I go get my icepick.

The soap in your eyes

All right I'm back - what the hell are you doing? Washing your eyes out with water?! IDIOT! Don't you realize that by now, the soap has hardened and formed a pine-scented crust over your eyes? Water can't help you now! Trust me, I'm a professional. Now, hold still...... and open your mouth.... I'm going to administer the solvent, its fairly bitter and the applicator is very warm....... what are you talking about???????

In conclusion

Soap is deadly, especially when matched with vulnerable eyes and carelessness.

Send bail money.

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