



Brush with housework stirs a lean, clean love machine. True!


Columnist for The Age and The Sydney Morning Herald

View more articles from Danny Katz

IF EVERYTHING you read in women's magazines is true, and I see no reason why it wouldn't be, then apparently Jessica Simpson is pregnant again (true!), and Jessica Simpson is not pregnant again (true!), and women are sick of conforming to unrealistic cookie-cutter body images (true!) and cookie cutters are a great way to make summer-themed beach treats that ensure women do not conform to cookie-cutter body images (true!)

And the truest thing you will ever read in a women's magazine is the article that appears in every magazine, every week, on every page - the one about how men who do more chores around the house get more sex (I'm assuming from their partner, it's never made totally clear, it may be from the guy who sells the vacuum cleaner refill bags at Godfreys). So if there are any men who would like more sex (the proper kind that involves someone else being there), then you may want to read my helpful tips on how to man-clean for fun and profit. And if there are any men who don't want more sex, you may be interested in knowing Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, this time for sure (true!)

VACUUMING. Always hated it? Get bored after a couple of minutes and find yourself sitting on the floor, playing with the retractable-cord button? Try a bit of man-vacuuming: you are on the starting grid for the Brazilian F1 Grand Prix, driving a turbocharged 1200-volt Electrolux with a V6 engine and dry-weather Bridgestone castor-wheels. Rev up to MAXIMUM SUCTION, 3, 2, 1, GO! Take the first turn on the couch chicane, pass the dining-room table leg down the right-hand side. Awww crap, chicken bone caught in your air intake valve, pull into kitchen pit-stop, remove debris in five seconds, clear! Complete 71 laps of the house, clinch the title, rack up your third career victory, stand on the coffee table and spray champagne over the adoring crowds then go get a mop and mop it up.

DISHWASHING. Find it as dull as dishwater? Always end up squeezing the detergent bottle to make amusing farty noises? Give man-dishwashing a go: you are a pool maintenance guy in an adult DVD called Hot-Tub Hotties (XXX). You are leaning over a steaming sink, being beckoned by a couple of dirty, dirty dishes. Get your hands in there and caress their dishy curves, tease the dainty rim of a teacup, rub hard and fast inside a greasy frying pan, squirting Trix for added lube, oooooooyeahhhhh. (Make sure you wear Ansell ultra-thin gloves. You don't want to pick up a Scouring Transmitted Disease.)

TOILET CLEANING. Don't want to do it? Wondering why you should have to clean up a mess that you're only 97 per cent responsible for? Here's how to man-toilet-scrub: the 2012 Mayan end-of-world prophecy didn't come true but there's no reason why you can't stage your own cataclysmic apocalypse. You are a vengeful Mayan god, wiping out entire civilisations of toilet bacteria and tile grout mould, wreaking upon them disinfectant tsunamis and baking-soda-and-vinegar lava flows until your toilet is sparklingly, squeakingly devoid of life. (Remember, when seeking vengeance on defenceless civilisations, use green products to be more eco friendly.)

After a whole day of man-vacuuming, man-dishwashing, man-toilet-scrubbing, go up to your partner and say "OK, enough of the dust-busting, let's go down to some bust-dusting". And she'll just look at you, shudder, and say "No thanks" because there's nothing sexy about a man who's been cleaning all day - you're sweaty and hunched over, you're holding a bucket and rags, and you stink like the unitard of a flabby circus busker (true!)

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