AIBU to tell my stepmother about child sexual abuse.

(22 Posts)
Keptquietfortoolong Tue 12-Feb-13 12:02:31

I am shaking at the same I am writing this.
My DM died long time ago and my DF got married again and has a daughter. She is just 3 yo.
I called my DStepmother and she said one member of my extended family visited her when she was in the hospital giving birth to my Dsis and that they meet occasionally (family gatherings).
Said member of extended family sexually abused me when I was 4, my DF knew about this, all he did was to stop speaking to the abuser for a couple of months and nothing else. I have since then read a lot about parents denial to cope with the knowledge of having a child that has been abused, but I am still dissappointed with his lack of a stronger action.

I asked my stepmother if my DF told her about this and I warned her about the abuser. She said my DF never said anything about it and when she is afraid of leaving DSis, he says she is being paranoid (sp?)

I do not understand my DF attitude, I am a mother now and given the unfortunate knowledge I have now about sexual abuse, I would do all in my power to protect any children (not just my own).

Please be kind to me, AIBU to tell her about the abuser? I actually expected her not to believe me, she thanked me for the information, but I don't know how my dad is going to react.

I live in a different country now, so I have no problem avoiding contact if I wanted to.

TheBigJessie Tue 12-Feb-13 12:05:26

Of course you're not being unreasonable to have told her!

I'm afraid I don't have a more helpful response than that, but I didn't want to leave you unanswered.

ratbagcatbag Tue 12-Feb-13 12:07:31

Nope - definately not - I finally went to the police about my abuser in my twenties, as I was terrified he would have done it so someone else and I could have stopped it.

Most of my mums family fell out with us as I'm a liar apparently - I don't care, it means my cousins don't leave their kids with him as even though they may not publicly support me, they have the doubt which enough to keep their children safe.

Well done for speaking up, you can do no more than advise someone of something, it is now up to her to keep their child safe!! If contact still continues, I would be concerned enough to speak to the childs DF as well, as he should also know where his DD is being left.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Tue 12-Feb-13 12:08:01

I think you did the right thing. You are trying to protect a child, that is the most important thing. Well done smile

Keptquietfortoolong Tue 12-Feb-13 12:15:14

catbag the child DF is my DF and this is what makes me feel so upset.

You would think that after what happened to me, he would be more careful with his DD, but he says my Dstepmother is being paranoid when she refuses to leave DD with any male/not trusted female (work colleages, neighbours, etc.)

Thankfully, my Dstepmother would never do that.

I really think he does not believe me, even after all these years.

Keptquietfortoolong Tue 12-Feb-13 12:16:57

I am really sorry for the spelling/grammar mistakes, I am crying and writing this.

I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I cannot even comprehend what you went through or what you must be going through again now.
It is a shame that your father is still in 'denial' about what happened to you.
You definitely did the right thing by telling her. Maybe she can get him to admit to what happened.
She has the information she needs and she can deal with it now.

MadamFolly Tue 12-Feb-13 12:26:54

YAsoNBU, you did totally the right thing, you have protected an innocent child.

frustratedashell Tue 12-Feb-13 12:30:22

So sorry that you have been through that and are still suffering from it. I cant help wondering why your stepmother wont trust DD with other people even prior to your revelation. Do you think she may have been abused as a child?
Im sorry your DF has not been supportive, that must be terrible.
Have you ever had counselling? Did your DM know about the abuse at the time and was she supportive?

quoteunquote Tue 12-Feb-13 12:51:05

Go to the police report the original abuse, explain why you are concerned as this person now has access to another child,

It may seem hard, but it a lot less hard than explain to that child in a few years time why you did not speak to the police, and do everything to stop it happening to them, you want to be able to look them in the eye and say I did everything I could.

it is your responsibility to share the information with police.

contact women's aid for support, they should be able to supply someone for support and to go with you

AmberLeaf Tue 12-Feb-13 12:53:58


You did the right thing in telling your stepmum.

Keptquietfortoolong Tue 12-Feb-13 12:57:51

catbag thank you for your response. You are very strong and I think I did not tell my family members because of what you said, I was am afraid of being called a liar.

frustrated From my own experience, I would think that my Dstepmother has been abused as a child too. She vaguely mentioned something about an uncle/and she was left to take care of her sisters whilst her parents worked (she was 10 yo) at the time. And that she doesn't trust her uncles. I did not asked her anything else, I know how difficult it is to talk about this issue, the only reason I spoke to her about what happened to me was because of my little Dsis.

I am on maternity leave atm and honestly, flame me all you want, but I rather eat shit/live on benefits, etc. thank going back to work and leave my child with anyone else. I was afraid of having children because of this reason, my inability to trust someone else with my child. (And yes, I know some people don't have a choice, etc. but that is just how I feel and I am really sorry if I have offended any of you in any way)

Sashapineapple Tue 12-Feb-13 13:20:45

Yes tell her. My stepfather abused me, (I haven't seen then for over 20 years as was taken into care as a result) and when my brother had kids I told his girlfriend because they had the kids around my mother and stepfather and I thought she should know so she can protect her kids.

Sashapineapple Tue 12-Feb-13 13:23:45

Also I think it's normal not to want to leave your kids with anyone else. My children have never been left with anyone and they won't be until they are old enough to talk. We are poor but manage.

CailinDana Tue 12-Feb-13 13:41:10

You absolutely did the right thing.

My mother dismissed the abuse that happened to me. I know how devastating it is and my heart goes out to you.

queenofthepirates Tue 12-Feb-13 13:53:33

If you had told me about a potential abuser, I would firstly thank you for your courage and then embrace you for being so darn brave. My heart goes out to you, you are completely in the right here.

but do consider telling the police what you know, just so as it goes on the record if nothing else.

Sending you a big hug xx

shinyrobot Tue 12-Feb-13 14:13:57

It must have been so difficult to make the decision to go ahead and tell her, well done for having the enormous courage to do it, I do not for one moment underestimate how heart stoppingly hard it must have been to have that conversation.

buggerama Tue 12-Feb-13 14:36:42

You poor poor thing, thats terrible. Of course you did the right thing to tell her. Lets hope your dad gets his head out of the sand. And I would think about going to the police for definate

ChairmanWow Tue 12-Feb-13 14:51:53

I'm so sorry you went through this and that your DF has allowed this person to reappear. You must be going through all those emotions again.

You have totally done the right thing. Even if your DF is not prepared to face what happened and even if he is unhappy with you as a result you can rest assured that your DS is safe and your stepmum understands the situation. No doubt your stepmum is very unhappy that your DF didn't warn her and most women in her position would have things to say about that. Maybe she'll help your DF to see sense.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising, but you should feel really proud of yourself that you've had the courage to talk about something which is so traumatic and have protected your little sis from this guy.

ratbagcatbag Tue 12-Feb-13 17:49:24

I'm not strong, just had to do it for me, I also don't give a damn what anyone thinks, it happened to me, I know it did and the family to coin a mn phrase can fuck off to the far side of fuck and fuck off some more when thy get there. I know it happened, the abuser knows it. The police knew it and were amazing with me. smile do what's right for you, it took me a long time to go to the police.

Antipag Tue 12-Feb-13 18:12:06

You absolutely have done the right thing. Please remember that. If you have more concerns that the child is in danger from this person it is not to late to report it to the authorities as I am sure ratbag can attest, it will be difficult but they will be supportive. I have never legally reported my abuser, although my family are aware, but I recently found out he is living in Dubai with a young daughter. I have struggled daily with exactly what you have and I applaud you for being so brave.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Feb-13 18:15:26

Good lord no of course you are not bu.

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