You Know What The Premier League Needs? AIDS

Oh, the life of a soccer player in England’s Premier League. The country’s heroes and their unreasonably hot WAGs dominate the tabloid headlines, and usually that’s a good thing. Fame, money, sex, sport. What can go wrong?

Magic Johnson's HIV-Eating Grin
(Not the groupie in question. Repeat: NOT the groupie.)

Well, it turns out just about everything can go wrong. A notorious soccer groupie, one who had bedded at least six soccer players on three different teams, just tested positive for HIV. And here you are mad that it burns when you urinate. Herpes? Feh! At least you’re going to live.

As for the possibly affected players, PEOPLE.CO.UK tells the story of six athletes at their most helpless, resigned to an agonizing wait with their lives on the line:

They had tests for HIV - the virus that causes AIDS - after the girl told them she had found out she was infected. She has no idea whether she contracted the disease before or after she slept with them all.

The stars, who play for three different clubs, cannot be named for legal reasons.

Wait a second. Waaaaaait a second. Isn’t Danielle Lloyd famous for bedding six soccer players? And she got all bloody at a nightclub fight… JESUS CHRIST TEST THE GLASS TABLE FOR AIDS THIS INSTANT.

Danielle Lloyd after assault
(You thought this was a scary sight before; now imagine if she’s covered in death serum.)

Of course, we have positively zero evidence that it’s actually her. In fact, it probably isn’t. The odds against it are just about prohibitive, especially since there’s five different jerseys in that lineup of her sexual conquests, not three.

The scariest detail of this is that the unnamed woman doesn’t know when she was infected, adding more uncertainty to a situation that certainly doesn’t need it. She absolutely deserves credit for informing all the soccer players immediately after receiving her positive test, something that someone of weaker composition may have tried to hide - or worse, deny while changing no habits.

And the lesson, as always, gentlemen: unless it’s your wife, wrap it up.