Bidisha's thought for the day: Guinness World Records

Is there a record for the book that makes you feel disappointed in humanity?
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Hot air balloon record attempt
A balloonist prepares to take part in a UK bid for a Guinness World Record mass hot air balloon crossing of the Channel earlier this year. Photograph: Oli Scarff/Getty Images

Is there a record for the world's most pointless book? The one that makes you feel a tad disappointed in humanity? This year's Guinness Book of World Records is just out. Surely it features an entry for the biggest gulf between intentions and result? It's meant to inspire with a salutary vision of all that we are capable of on this planet. Once we had Joan of Arc, we had Mother Teresa, we had the Amazons (now the name of a little-known struggling local bookshop). Now we have the woman with the world's longest tongue. Don't get excited, it's only four inches.

For every record-breaking artist such as Adele or Lady Gaga, both in this year's edition, there is the world's largest pizza, which could be eaten by the world's largest crocodile, with the world's largest cat (he's called Stewie) for dessert, perhaps along with US tween singer Justin Bieber as a palate-cleansing side snack. I'm not sure what Bieber's in for. World's most misplaced act of solidarity, for his duet with Chris Brown? Listen to me, Justin: that wasn't a good life choice.

For ease of summary, I've combined all the most eye-catching record winners into one huge hairball. There's the world's most elastic woman, with her head between her feet, chucking five bottles of conditioner into her 4ft afro, and combing the food out of her 7ft dry, greying beard with her tangled, curly, dirt-ingrained, three-metre fingernails. I am gagging as I write this.

I'm not sure what I'd get my world record for. Celibacy? Twelve blissful years, apart from one tiny mistake. Other than that, I've got nothing.

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