Monday, May 10, 2010

Here's the Thing: When in Rome

MoLinder is leaving. Moving back to San Diego in three weeks. I am deeply distressed. I am mildly deeply distressed.

So now whenever it's just the two of us hanging out we just get fucking wasted and yell at each other about politics or something way less significant and way more tangled in bullshit and false, undeserved superiority. But we agree on everything so shouting is fucking futile, yet inevitable, and nothing ever makes sense.

Since both of us are tenacious, zealous, and wise as hell, mostly our conversations go like this:

"I just feel like such, an asshole. Because I'm all like, yeah, I fucking read that book and it sucked. But I don't want to hurt people's feelings, but then I almost DO want to hurt them so they'll fucking learn how to discern good literature from crap. And the writing is awful, and the story is lame-"

"You know what? That's bullshit." MoLinder is mad.

"Why can't people ever give us stories we've never heard before?" I am drunk.

"Who says shit has to be new to be fucking quality?" We are both drunk.

"Do you know how hard it is to create a story that hasn't been told?"

"That's why I like Stephen King."

"It's fucking impossible."

"Because knows, he understands, that reading is for enjoyment."

"Yeah but, 'member when you were fifteen when all stories were new, and then you took all those crap lit classes that taught you archetypes-"

"Read because you love to read, not because someone found a fucking deeper meaning. Because you know what? Deeper meaning? Metaphor? Is CRAP."

"-but BOOM. Life ruined. You will never be original because now you know all about fucking rhetoric and tropes and shit."

"And I'm a Lit Major."

"Tropes ruin my life."

"You know why I like to read? Because it's fucking fun. That's why. And that's why I like Stephen King, and I don't give a shit if that makes me like mainstream or whatever."

"But I want to identify with it, I want it to mean something."

"So you won't read anything that isn't like, important. You're a fucking elitist."

"No, that's not it. Well, yeah, I'm an elitist."

"HA! See! Stephen King would spit on you. He sees through your lies."

"I hate elitists. Because they're all, 'murmurmur, fuckin' some French shit. Ohmygod, David Eggers and some author no one's heard of.' You want me to name-drop some shit? Because I will name-drop fucking elusive cultural references all over your ass. Not when I am drunk."


"But I don't mean like, important to society, I'm talking important to me and my values which include but are not limited to ONE! movies. And TWO! beer."

"Ah, yes. Okay."

"So take something like fucking Twilight. I know, I know-"

"See, it's just fun, man, you know? Stop hating on it."

"I hated it so much I threw the book. But like, you hate East of Eden and that's one of my favorites."

"I fucking hate Steinbeck. No. No, I just fucking hate East of Eden. Fucking Cathy? Is a bitch. And the whole Cain and Abel thing-but you know what? You cannot compare the two, they are not the same type of book. Twilight isn't like pretentious classic literature where people are all, 'whoa, themes and deep shit.' It's just easy and fun."

"What, like your hatred of East of Eden has more validness or whatever than my hatred of Twilight? I read that book because I watched the movie."


"I didn't give a shit about Steinbeck, it was all, 'Oh, James Dean, you're so dreamy.' James Dean was my fucking R-Pattserbin or fucking whatever, except like, dead for forty years."

"Whatever, Cedric Diggory is hot."

"Plus, I promise you that more people have read Twilight which automatically makes it more culturally significant."

"That's just sad."

"It's true." I pause to drink my white russian. It is 4am. We both have to work in four hours. "So I am totally right."

"About what?"

"I have no fucking idea."

"Ahhh. When in Rome."



Jacob said...

I hate Stephen King. Actually, I kind of like his short stories and I didn't have any problem reading Eye of the Dragon as a kid, but every single horror novel of his that I ever started I quit reading by 100 pages because the story was just too boring. It's like the guy forgot that publishers stopped paying writers by the word back in the 1800s or something. Just tell me a damn story and stop wasting so many words.

Anonymous said...

drunk-skyping isn't the same. you'll need to go to san diego and kick it up there...

MoLinder said...

i want to clarify that i don't just read the king. and i really do hate steinbeck, not just east of eden. boom.

Logical Libby said...

I love Steinbeck. And I hate Stephen King. Oh, and Hitler.

Here In Franklin said...

So, you're looking for a roommate? How about some kind of online application process: Operation Get Rass A Roomie?

Chris said...

I hate King. Though I liked the first few. It all went bad after The Stand. Also, kinda hate Steinbeck, but more for his subject matter than his writing. Most importantly, Cedric Diggory is from Harry Potter.

Sorry MoLinder is leaving. Obviously, she sucks for that. Sorry, MoLinder (<= punctuation=meaning), just telling it like it is.

Rassles said...

Whatever you guys, I like Stephen King. I just can't be anti. But I love East of Eden.

Whatever, this wasn't about those books anyway. This blog was meant to fucking illustrate that me and MoLinder have pointless, nonsensical conversations that make perfect sense to us, and they're always about stupid shit. Not even like COOL stupid shit. Like if we sat around talking about Black Dynamite, then we would be cool. But we don't. We talk about the lamest of lame things. And we are sooooo much awesomer for it.

Rassles said...


Rassles said...

AND! MoLinder is one of the most well-read people I know, and she still digs King. BOOYAH. She's not fuckin around with literature. She knows what's up.

Sid said...

I hate Twilight. And anything Dan Brown has written. Also not a fan of Hemmingway.

renalfailure said...

Is there a job there in Chicago for me to sit on my ass in front of a computer and pretend to do work? If so, you've got yourself a roommate.

MoLinder said...

you also forgot to mention that we discuss where we'd sort people at hogwarts. dick cheney = sliterin. john mclane = gryffindor and so on. And how we both would like to be friends with hank venture and jj abrams. our conversations are awesome. although we're usually drunk. and argumentative. even when we agree on the same thing. for example, fuck bonnie bedelia.

Anonymous said...

God, I've missed you . . .

Rassles said...

RF, we would be the best roommates ever. You can take MoLinder's old job. I bequeath it to you. You know all about casualty insurance and reverse flow and stuff, right? Just a warning, though: there's a woman there who is obsessed with Russian literature and says "Tolstoy" with a fucked up accent. They call her GusGus. She is veryvery creepy.

nursemyra said...

Cedric is an awful name.

And Sid - I'm with you on Hemmingway

Le Meems said...

The lady who parks next to me at the Elementary School during pick ups has this screenplay/book idea about a girl who falls in love with a man who is also a major children's tv star (like Steve from Blue's Clue's) and everywhere they go, kids marvel and fawn all over him.

She just thinks he is good with kids.

And the anecdotes and subplots develop from there ...

Mongolian Girl said...

Whaaaaaaaaaat? MoLinder is moving away? I don't care what anybody says, reading the drunk-speak of Rass and MoLinder is some of the deepest shit I've ever read. It's meaningful. Important. Significant.
Fuck - now I'm all deeply, mildly, distressed.