Tuesday, October 19, 2010


If there is one thing I've never fully understood, it's extravagant jewelry. Nothing says "human existence is pointless" like working your ass off to save enough money to afford a bauble that serves no purpose other than to show how much you worked your ass off.

Sure, an expensive diamond looks pretty. So does a fake one that costs a fraction of the price. Yes yes I know, you can tell the difference, but only when you're looking at it up close, right before shoving it in your friends' faces and subtly hinting at how much your fiancé spent on it. That kid brewing in your belly? Oh, he can get by without a college fund.

Bling is about displaying excess wealth. Showing off the ability to dig up something shiny and not starve to death may have served a function in our evolutionary past, but the associated thrill that nature programmed us with makes little sense today. Today, when the wealth locked up in one of those functionless rocks could keep several less fortunate people from starving for a year.

I'm not above this. I spend money on plenty of things that serve no greater purpose. I look forward to spending a retarded amount of money on a trinket for some future love-of-my-life, if that is what she really desires, instead of giving it to charity. I am human too, but I'm working on it.

Similarly, I am not above being manipulated by flattery. So when I was contacted by someone from Gordons Gold Jewellers (not one of the Gordons, unfortunately) saying they keep up with my blog over there, and thought of me when setting up their little contest, I couldn't help but be softened up enough to be inspired to write a ranty post about diamonds that includes this poster:

Plus, supporting local business is kinda like charity, right?

Go forth, human. Win your own pointless rock.


Anonymous said...

Ooo but they're pointless rocks set inside a winged insect tradionally associated with tramp-stamps!
Yo fancy, huh!

Phronk said...

Also, butterflies often have flashy colours as a warning that they are poisonous.

Tatiana said...

I totally agree, and I get genuinely bewildered at my gender who's all about 'the rock'. Many of us, anyhow.

I don't really own or wear jewelry b/c I don't see the value of it, but I suppose in prior times, families smuggled their wealth hidden in clothes in times of much more frequent social collapse, so what do I know?

Anonymous said...

Butterflies also spend like a month wrapped in their own boogerjuice and caterpillarcockjam.
Im sorry what were we even talking about?
Oh ya, marriage and diamonds and things...

Jennifer said...

Meh. The extravagant diamond isn't what bothers me about our cultural wedding traditions. At least you have a something. It's the people that spend tens of thousands on a wedding that get me.

I don't have a big rock, nor did I have an expensive wedding - but my kids are paying for their own University education, and they already know this. I don't think paying for college is a parental requirement.

Johnson said...

I think that what I most enjoy about this is that you took a post that was ostensibly a plug for a jewelery store and used the opening two thirds of said post it to trash the entire jewelery industry.


Also, that butterfly is hideous. If I saw someone wearing that I would punch that person in the neck.

Amelia Mae said...

Can you explain to me the "Coach" phenomena?
I walked in there the other day in an attempt to understand, I came out more baffled.
The ugliest purse was more than my monthly rent payment, I don't get it.
Regarding diamond rings, I love it when "eco-conscious" folk get blood diamonds, now that's priceless....

Kate said...

I found your site from That’s Tangly. I love it. I’m going to poke around a little bit, but don’t worry I’ll put everything back where I found it!!

Forest City Fashionista said...

Great post--agree with you wholeheartedly. I don't know how much that hideous butterfly thing costs, but if it's over $5, it's too much. I take great joy in finding the craziest, eye-popping jewellery at the Hospital Gift shop for under $20 and everyone always wants to know where I get my cool"bling". Imagination and confidence tops lotsa bucks when it comes to style anyday.

Hey Lady! said...

Eh. Jewelry is no more frivolous then buying the new IPhone when you could get the phone that makes phone calls/texts that comes free with a data plan. I know, I know the IPhone does "more", BUT it's all about "cool stuff" not about need. We don't NEED 90% of the crap we buy, right?

And while I don't have the fancy gadgets, I do have several designer hangbags, why? Because I like the way they look, they last much longer then the cheap ones, and I chose to spend my money on that. I can't judge people for buying something just because I personally don't find value in it.