March 26th, 2007

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Spring is here, spring is here

Life is skittles and life is beer. A new free song for you that you will undoubtedly ignore.

As I may have mentioned in the past, under normal conditions, I hate the springtime. It signals an end to all of the things I like about winter, and the advent of hot weather that makes me sweaty and uncomfortable.

But so far, this spring hasn't been so bad. Yesterday I sat out on my front porch on a bean bag chair and ate frosted miniwheats out of a giant pot while reading comics. This is the new springtime.


Gentle readers,

I am going to tell you something. It may shock you, but I feel you should know:

You have been deceived, and it is time that I remove the veil of deception from your eyes. The wool, she is pulled.

So please brace yourself for the following revelation that will run counter to everything you have been recently taught:


Here is my impression of The Descent:




Some people try to argue an additional depth into the movie by adding the "dude that chick is really insane and did the killins" interpretation. Here's the problem: the text of the film doesn't actually bear out that interpretation. Sorry. You are wrong, and as such, the "framing" story device just comes off as pretentious. Fact.

Additionally, the fact that everyone *SPOILERS* dies *END SPOILERS* doesn't make it some radical, deep, gloomy, existential examination of the human condition. Sorry.

The movie, overall, is not horrible and has some okay moments, but it is DEFINITELY not the "Jesus and Gandhi had a baby and it was the messiah of Jesus H.-stands-for-horror Christ savior of all genre" film that it's been advertised as.

your friend,


So, suffice it to say, I'd like to make a living writing comic books. Additionally, I would typically prefer to do this with my own creations. I wish my whole life was spent bringing you, the reader, new Bully Pulpit novellas and an ongoing Hector Plasm series. I wish I were exposing you to the neo-mysteries of Hammer City, seen through the eyes of Trigger MacLiamour, the smoking gun. I wanted you to see the lost and wandering young heroes Brand and Newt preserve the old ways and protect the new from the old guard of Transistor City. I thought you might like to see Villanova Angstrom rock an all-new batrachomyomachia in the bathroom stall of a Mexican restaurant. I had a thing about a police department in space, also.

Assembling a creator-owned book is like herding cats, except the cats are also autistic and have ADHD and are addicted to meth. It's a miracle that it ever happens. You should fall on your knees and thank someone or anyone you feel has something to do with it that there's a new Invincible or a new Walking Dead issue month after month (or some approximation thereof). People who complain about the lateness of those books have no idea! It's a MIRACLE that there are any issues of it at all!

Somewhere, somehow, ten THOUSAND awful, horrible variables all aligned correctly against EVERY SINGLE ODD to make a book happen. And it happens again and again and again. Do you have any idea? Probably not. It would be an all-out battle against the fundamental forces of the universe if a new issue of either of those books came out in a YEAR, let alone every four to six weeks.

It's awful. I'd rather arm-wrestle a thousand eight year olds.

So I wish someone would hire me to write a comic for them. I want one of those low profile gigs, or something that will embarrass me in the future, but that will pay me now. WHY WON'T YOU LET ME SELL OUT, AMERICA?

Where's my Vampirella/Magdalena? Or Vampi Vicious Circle? Dudes I know seem to have padded their portfolio with boob war books. I could write one of those.

Or all-ages stuff! I could write Archie! I'd kind of like to write Archie, actually. Anybody know how to hook that up? Or Marvel Adventures stuff? I could write an issue of that. Like the MA FF? Do they have a regular team on that now? Van Lente is rocking the Spider-Man stuff and soon the Iron Man book, Parker is doing fantastically on the Avengers, who do they have regularly for the FF? This could be me.

I don't need much money or a high page rate! My calculations show me that with a steady $35 page rate on a monthly basis, I could quit the worst of my five jobs!

Someone? Anyone?

In the meantime, expect more of my creator-owned work to hit the stores PROBABLY NOT EVER IN OUR LIFETIMES.


Also, the current MySpace drawing of me by Chris Piers has entered an unprecedented third week as my default image. Is everyone so super-intimidated by it that they don't want to try to compete? I just need a new image. It can be of any quality level.

Anyone? Somesonestimes?