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Fortress of Squalitude (transcript)

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This is the transcript for the Sonic Boom episode "Fortress of Squalitude".

[Scene: Eggman's lair, day.]

[Eggman is checking out his mail while using Cubot as a junkmail shredder.]
Eggman: Junk ... junk ... junk ... junk ... evil boot warehouse... [Cubot grunts as his shredder jams.]
Orbot: [Hits Cubot's back a few times] Paper jam.
Eggman: Orbot!
[Orbot opens his mouth in front of him]
Eggman: No, you imbecile! I don't want you to shred this. It's the key to our future! Do you know what this is?
Cubot: Robotic women who love us for our minds and aren't into looks or money?
Eggman: No. Our home, and by that I mean my home, is going to be featured in Modern Lair magazine.[Hands Orbot a paper] Here, read the exposition.
Orbot: "A photographer's assistant will do a site inspection tomorrow to consider you for our Island Fortress issue."
Eggman: [Jumps up from the couch] Lets give this lair some flair!

[Scene Change: Eggman's lair, day.]

[A montage plays. Orbot is using Cubot to vacuum the floor. In the next scene, Cubot is driving a plow-like vehicle to scoop up bits of scrap metal. In the next scene, Orbot and Cubot are shining Eggman's boots]
Eggman: [Walks in] When you bots are done with my boots, make sure my roller coaster is in tip-top shape.
[Orbot and Cubot look at each other, then back to Eggman and nod. In the next scene, Orbot and Cubot enter the area with the roller coaster with a tool box. A few seconds after they enter, crashing sounds are heard along with a cat yowling. Orbot and Cubot come out of the room, dismantled. In the next scene, Eggman slightly adjusts a burner, only to adjust it again.]
Eggman: Perfect! It's all coming together! When the photographer's assistant arrives, he'll take one look at my lair and exclaim-

[Scene change: Eggman's lair, lab.]

Gunther: You call this a lair?
Eggman: [Angry] How dare you?! Listen, pompous little pipsqueak, I'll crush you like a bug!
Gunther: Not if you want your lair in our magazine.
Eggman: [Upset] You can't do this to me!
Gunther: Modern Lair brings our readers a contemporary upbeat take on evil. Your idea of evil is totally retro; without the irony. Your lasers are a ridiculous shade of blue, and would you please turn that Bunsen burner 90 degrees before I get sick. [Points to the burner Eggman had adjusted before]
Eggman: Give me a chance! I'll spruce up the place!
Gunther: [Pauses to think] I'll give you a week. [Walks away]
Eggman: I'm gonna need help, from someone with a real feel for color... and shape.
[Camera goes to Cubot, who is playing with a cube with multiple holes for shapes, and is trying to put the square in the 'X' hole.]
Eggman: Definitely gonna have to out-source this one... I know!

[Scene change: Outside Sonic's Shack, day.]

Amy: My summer-themed seat cushions with floral upholstery that compliments each guests' natural coloring are ready, the ice sculpture has melted just enough to hide the carving marks- [Checking things off of a clipboard]
Sticks: And I dug a trench around the picnic table and filled it with broken glass.
[Camera pans out to show the trench and glass around the table.]
Amy:... I might've used rose petals, but we'll go with it. [Turns] Sonic! How are you doing on those fruit drinks?
[Camera shows the fruit sitting on a stone, then shows Sonic, who has fallen asleep on the beach chair.]
Amy: Why am I not surprised? Tails! Where's the soothing music?!
Tails: [Sitting on the poach of Sonic's Shack with a music control panel in front of him] Right here, but I thought it would be better if I gave it a little boost. [Presses a switch on the panel]
[Loud music comes out of the speakers, blowing a large leaf onto Amy as Tails quickly turns the music off.]
Amy: [Annoyed as she takes the leaf off her] Knuckles? Are my grilled pheasants ready?
Knuckles: Not now, Amy, I'm busy. [Holds up hand to show he has put the raw pheasant on it like a puppet, he changes his voice as if the pheasant itself is speaking] Oh, please don't cook me, Knuckles. [Changes his voice to a lower one as he holds up his other hand with a pheasant on it] Today turned out a lot different than I expected.
Amy: [Looking upset] Sticks, I don't know why I go out of my way to make things nice for these guys.
Eggman: [Standing on the poach] You deserve better. I mean, this table! It should be hanging in a museum!
Sticks: Euagh! [Jumps onto the table, grabs a oyster shell and smacks it on the ground, holding the broken ends like a weapon] That villain, just give me the signal, Amy, and I'll clam him!
[Tails, Knuckles, and Sonic form up behind Sticks.]
Eggman: Don't let the fact that I constantly try to destroy you lead you to believe that I am here to destroy you. I just want to hire Amy to redo my lair.
[Sonic, Knuckles, Sticks, and Tails laugh, but Amy looks flattered and happy.]
Sonic: Come on, Amy, you're not buying this.
Amy: [Annoyed] Is it so hard to believe Eggman might actually respect my talents?
Sonic: Well, yeah. [Realizes what he said] Wait, that came out wrong.
Amy: [Stares at her friends for a second, then happily turns to Eggman] I accept.
[The rest of the team stares in utter shock]
Sonic: Don't go with Eggbreath!
Tails: You can't trust him! He's evil!
Amy: [Walking over to Eggman] I can take care of myself.
Eggman: Splendid! My lair awaits, after you. [Gestures to where Amy needs to go]
Knuckles: [Holds up one of his hands, which still has the meat on it, he changes his voice again] Don't look at me, I didn't use her lovingly prepared meal as a puppet.

[Scene change: Eggman's lair, hallway]

Amy: So, where do you wanna start?
Eggman: You have total creative freedom. Make this lair so fantastic that they'll want to put it on the cover! Then I'll say "no". [Laughs evilly]
Amy: Why?
Eggman: Sorry, old habits are hard to break.

[Scene change: Eggman's lair.]

[A montage plays. Amy places a blue pillow in the center of the couch, Eggman then comes in after she leaves and moves the pillow. In the next scene. Orbot and Cubot are painting the walls blue while Eggman and Amy look on.]
Eggman: It's great, but... erm... I'm not sure about the color... It just doesn't say "contemporary upbeat take on evil"...
Amy: [Holds up a bucket of paint] This color is called "contemporary upbeat take on evil blue".
[Amy walks past the couch and notices the pillow has been moved, so she puts it back in place, then walks off. In the next scene, Eggman enters a large room and finds it has plaid curtains.]
Eggman: Too much plaid?
Orbot: [Has plaid on] Maybe a little.
[In the next scene, Amy takes a picture of Eggman down and replaces it with a picture of unicorns. In the next scene, Amy is throwing flower petals on the ground, then presses a button which activates a laser show]
Eggman: Uh... the rose petals and laser light show add a certain regal flair, but... uh.. do we really need that?
[Eggman points to Orbot in Cubot, who both have angel wings and being spun in the air by a contraption.]
Cubot: I've never felt so free!
[In the next scene, Eggman walks past the couch again and sees the pillow is moved. Instead of moving it, he fries it with a laser. In the next scene, Orbot and Cubot are throwing petals on the ground, being moved forward by the contraption again. In the next scene, the doorbell rings, ending the montage.]
Eggman: It's him!
[Gunther walks into the lair.]
Eggman: Hello! What a surprise!
[Eggman is disappointed when Gunther walks past him. The three are looking at the laser light show complete with Orbot and Cubot spinning in the air. Gunther looks confused. They are then shown in the room with all the plaid, and Gunther notices the picture with the unicorns.]
Eggman: [Whispers to Amy] He hates it. I knew those unicorns were too much! [Stops whispering] I can explain! The one to blame-
Gunther: I love it.
Eggman: [Stands in front of Amy] Is me! Yes, I really outdid myself, didn't I?
Amy: [Enraged] What?! It was my design!
Eggman: Under my supervision.
Amy And my execution!
Eggman: With my direction!
Gunther: I just have one note.
Orbot: [Appears beside Gunther] A 40-hour work week for the cherubs?
[Eggman grabs Orbot and uses the line attaching him to the ceiling to fling Orbot away.]
Gunther: Danger up the entryway a little, and who knows? You might make the cover. I'll be back tomorrow with the photographer. [Walks away]
Eggman: [Excited] Did you hear that? The cover!
Amy: Great. Have fun "supervising" yourself! I'm out of here! [Walks away]
[Eggman presses a button on a remote, causing a cage to surround Amy, locking her in.]
Amy: Really?
Eggman: What did you expect? I'm a supervillain! Now, once you're finished dangering up the entryway to my lab, you might want to put in an evil screening room. [Amy looks upset] Cheer up! At least I appreciate you, unlike your so called "friends".

[Scene change: Seaside Island, beach, night.]

[Sticks, Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles are sitting at the table, which shows that the pheasant is burned beyond edibility.]
Knuckles: Ugh. Burned food just doesn't taste the same without Amy.
Tails: Knuckles, you're eating a napkin.
Knuckles: [Looks at his napkin, which has the top part bitten off] Yeah, I knew that. [Takes a bite of the napkin]
Sonic: Knuckles is right.
Tails: What!?
Sonic: Not about the napkin eating, about Amy! We need to make sure she's OK.

[Scene change: Outside Eggman's lair, night.]

[Sonic knocks on the door, and waits for somebody to answer. He is about to knock again when Eggman appears]
Eggman: Yes?
Sonic: We came to get Amy. Is she done yet?
Eggman: Amy has decided to become my full-time decorator. I'm afraid she doesn't want anything to do with her old friends. [The door shuts]
Knuckles: Wow. Who'd thought Amy'd abandon us?
Sonic: I don't think she did. Come on, we got to find a way into this lair.

[Scene change: Eggman's lair.]

[Amy is still stuck inside the cage, looking upset. She smells something]
Amy: Ew, what is that smell?
[The wall is destroyed, showing Sticks, Knuckles, Tails, and Sonic, who are dirty.]
Knuckles: It's us! We snuck in through a sewer pipe!
Amy: I was wondering how long it would take for you guys to miss me.
Sonic: We may have a hard time saying it, Amy, but... well, you know.
Amy: [Smiles] Yeah, I know.
[Tails runs over and deactivates the cage, freeing Amy]
Sonic: There's no way were going out the way we came in, care to do the honors? [Hands Amy her hammer]

[Scene change: Eggman's lair, HQ room.]

[Eggman is drinking some tea. He is interrupted by the door getting smashed down.]
Amy: Sorry about the door. Oh, and I quit.
Eggman: No one quits my employ unless I dismantle them first!
Cubot: [On the floor, dismantled] It's true!
[Eggman summons his robots.]
Sonic: [Gestures to the robots] After you.
[The team charges. Amy destroys a Motobug with her hammer. Knuckles throws a robot attacking Tails into a wall. A Bee Bot fires at Sonic, but he is too fast and spin attacks a Motobug, letting Amy finish it off with her hammer. Sticks destroys a Bee Bot with her boomerang. Sonic does a dramatic landing as a Crab Bot sneaks up behind him, but Tails is quick and uses the unicorn painting on the wall to smash the robot. Eggman attempts to flee, but is stopped when the photographer Diane Aardvark and Gunther arrive.]
Eggman: I.. umm... you're early!
Diane: Apparently.
[Camera shows the destruction around them.]
Diane: [Turns to Gunther] You're fired. [Leaves]
Orbot: [Hands tickets to Gunther] Ride the roller coaster, that always cheers me up.
[Gunther takes tickets.]
Eggman: W-wait, please! Forget the cover! How about a smaller spread? A couple pages? A page! A snapshot buried behind some cleaning product adds! [Walks after Diane]
Amy: Would've been nice to see my designs featured in a magazine. Oh well, maybe some day.
Sonic: I can't guarantee you a magazine spread, but I do know a shack you can redecorate.
Amy: Really? I've been wanting to fix that place up for years! Oh, Sonic, it'll be amazing!
Sonic: Just a few things: My coconut husk collection is off-limits -too many memories-, and no washing, painting, plastering, or cleaning. But other than that you have total creative freedom.