Infiltrating the Texas Roadhouse Secret Society | Mental Poo

Monday, February 01, 2010

Infiltrating the Texas Roadhouse Secret Society

So much for getting to wear my Tom Cruise 'Mission Impossible' harness.

Let me explain.

But you'll have to keep it a secret.

This is on the down low.

That's what she said.

I opened my inbox the other day to see THIS waiting for me:


From: Texas Roadhouse - METHUEN, MA



* blink


Top secret?!

I mean, Texas Roadhouse, sure...but...

I've never gotten any email with the subject of 'Top Secret' in it before.

Could this be the adventure I'd been waiting for all my life?!

My hands sweaty with anticipation, I opened the email.

On a side note, I'm not sure why my hands were sweaty since this was email and technically all I had to do was click the mouse with my index finger and now I'm wondering if I maybe have some medical condition that has 'sweaty hands' as a symptom so maybe I should Google it and - yep - sonofabitch I apparently have secondary palmar hyperhidrosis which is caused by frostbite (the fuck?) which kind of makes sense because it's like MAYBE 67 degrees in here at work.

So realizing that I'm probably dying of some frostbite-related illness, I decided to open the email and take on this assignment (I'm guessing it's an assignment) because, hey, live every day like it's your last right?

And with secondary palmar hyperhidrosis you never know when that day will come.

So I open it to see this:

* balloon deflates

Well, thanks a lot Texas Roadhouse.

I suppose I need to cancel my order for this trenchcoat and fake moustache.

Nah, I can probably find another use for it.

But I have a good mind to come down there and give you all a severe case of secondary palmar hyperhidrosis just for getting my hopes up.

Instead, though, I sent them BACK this email:


To: Texas Roadhouse - METHUEN, MA


Dear Texas Roadhouse,


That's the 'Top Secret' information? That you're open early on Martin Luther King Day?

What the Hell?

I'm all thinking 'HOLY CRAP I have some super secret assignment where I have to sneak up on Longhorn Steakhouse and get their secret recipe for their dry rub' or some shit and then I open this - in the dark of the bathroom with my son's 'Night Vision Goggles' mind you just in case this has something to do with hunting Al Qaeda or finding out what the fuck Ruben Studdard has been up to these days - it and it's just telling that you people are showing up to work 4 hours early? The fuck?

Why is this 'Top Secret?' I'm assuming that your employees need to know, too.

I'm not sure how that classifies as 'top secret' when the pregnant 17 year old you have hostessing can't obviously even keep her pants on or successfully tell her boyfriend when to pull out, never mind trying to keep THIS secret.

Shit's gonna get out. the way. I live in New Hampshire - which you'd know if you'd done ANY homework before sending out such critical time-sensitive material as this...and we don't have Martin Luther King Day off. This is what happens when you live in a state with three black people.

So earliest you'd see me there is, like, 6 pm or so.

Let me know if that works for you and if there's some kind of secret passphrase I need to learn to get in like, 'the squirrel eats nuts at midnight' because I'll need some time to memorize it.

Rod (a.k.a., 'Agent 69' - see what I did there?)


And then I sent it.

I have not heard back.

Probably because they're busy taking me off their mailing list.

I wonder if Longhorn Steakhouse has one.

Moog out.



No shit, I JUST got this email in:


See that?

About time they made amends to me. I mean, I don't particularly WANT to eat two appetizers but if they're going to lead me on about crazy secret spy shit and then pull the rug out from under me there's NO WAY I'm not taking this deal.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, I'm totally having two of those giant fried onions and one of them bastards is going to be on the house, bitch.


Maxie said...

I will put up with whatever shenanigans Texas Roadhouse wants to throw my way as long as they keep serving cinnamon butter.

I'm easy.


MommaKiss said...

I lost track of what I planned to say because I was trying to count the black people in my state...I'm up to 999,998

Mary@Holy Mackerel said...

I'm pretty sure you already had good use for a trench coat and fake moustache.

But yes, I'd be panicking too, getting a scaryish email like that.

And, I think your sweaty palms might be from something other than frostbite. Just sayin'.

Christy said...

It couldn't at least have been a coupon???? Assholes!!! I'd forgive them only because their rolls with cinnamon butter are simply DIVINE!!

Just A Girl said...

I haven't been to Texas Roadhouse since like...2000. But now I feel like I have a good reason for it. Those jerks.

Laurie said...

Pretty sure our local Roadhouse shut down, due to shitty food and low attendance.

Wonder if they tried to keep it a secret they were in business.

Unfinished Rambler said...

Up until this moment, I loved Texas Roadhouse... I'm not so sure. As long as they don't get rid of the peanuts, though, I think they'll still be okay in my book.

Mike said...

People eat steak on Martin Luther King Day?

What is Martin Luther King Day?

Why are there Texas Roadhouses in New Hampshire?

So many questions...

Lee said...

I live in a Texas roadhouse, and if you ever get a top secret email from me, it means you need to come to wipe some doo doo.

Donnie said...

I'm with Mike on this one. Texas Roadhouses in Massachusetts? Anyway, we "celebrate" Buckwheat Day and Amos-n-Andy week down here. That's what happens in a state with more than 3 afriCAN ameriCANS!

Unknown said...

That was hilarious! Love reading your posts.

Sarah said...

Should they even be e-mailing something "top secret?" *Anyone* could be reading.

Moooooog35 said...

Maxie: I like when you get 3rd degree burns from the rolls.


Momma: 2 more and you get some sort of prize, I think.

Mary: Sure..laugh at my disease. Very nice.

Christy: weird that their claim to fame is butter and peanuts.

JustAGirl: YAY! Organized protest!

Laurie: you shall never again have the divine pleasure of the line dancing giant fried onion.

I shall light a candle for you.

Unfinished: I'm always tempted to bring a kid in there with a peanut allergy just to see what happens.

Good times..good times.

Mike: Only if Martin Luther King day doesn't fall on a Friday.

The more you know.

Lee: You're confusing roadhouse with brothel, fyi.

Don: I cannot control the hate mail you will receive. FYI.

Eva: that's what she said.

Sarah: I KNOW. I expected it to be all encoded and shit.

So disappointing.


i knew you were a whack job but the sweaty hands sealed the deal

that and actually responding to that email said...

Even Hitler could win my heart with a buy one get one free coupon.

bikramyogachick said...

The sweaty palms are caused by playing with yourself too much, not the frostbite! next they will grow hair. Watch for it...

Narm said...

How 'bout you back up off me impregnating all those hostesses.
Free bloomin onions for life!

Ed said...

I thought sweaty palms was called "Hydoselflubricationism" and was caused by friction.


I learn shit everytime I come here.

Bird Shit said...

What makes this even more sad is that Patrick Swayze couldn't be there for his Roadhouse mission...

Ellyt Lou said...

Good news! It seems there's surgical treatment for your current ailment. Sure it involves amputating your hands, but I'm sure you can find new and exciting ways to "bop it."

Jen said...

I was reading this in the doctor's office. Couldn't stop laughing, they almost didn't give me drugs. Thanks.

Unknown said...

Is that the place that has the peanut shells all over the floor? If so, I hate that place. My instinct to vacuum kicks in.

meleah rebeccah said...

Can I hire you to write my email responses?

Ducky said...

I'm very literally laughing...maybe til I puke.

It's Black History Month you know.

I may have to move

rachaelgking said...

Having worked in many a restaurant, I guaran-fucking-TEE you that email has been printed and posted on the bulletin board next to the office behind the kitchen.

And you are bringing a lot of smiles to the otherwise dead-inside crew of Texas Roadhouse.

So who REALLY won, hmmmm?

Vodka Logic said...

Great reply... let us know how the caper goes...when you finally get there.

I used to live in NH and I know for a fact there are 4 black people.. one went to my high school

Moooooog35 said...

Speaking: You've got to see the emails I have built up here.

It's like I have weird email blue balls.

hiphop: would that coupon actually be for?

Nevermind. Don't want to know.

bikram: Um..hello? The hair would keep the frostbite away.


Narm: The onions weren't bloomin' til you got there.

Now I'm not hungry. Not hungry AT ALL.

Ed: It's like an after school special but with way worse language.

BirdShit: Why? What happened?


Elly Lou: Like I need this to be more exciting. Hello? It's ME.

Jen: You can get drugs at the doctor's?!

Oh. regular drugs. nevermind.

Summer: Yes. Wait..YOU VACCUUM?!?!

Catch of the day!

Meleah: YES! YES you can!!

Let me know and we'll work out a payment plan.

Daffy: Like that's the first time I've ever made a woman vomit.


That would be awesome.

Vodka: Caper?

Okay, Perry Mason. I'll let you know as soon as the Studebaker rolls around.

nonamedufus said...

That was an awesome post, dude. It's as if I had a dream...

Me-Me King said...

Better late than never!

Unknown said...

LOL! What a let-down. But at least you got some free grub out of the deal. Rock on! ;o)

Vic said...

What do I have to do to get on the Roadhouse mailing list?
So far I only get emails from my dentist, and he never does anything top secret, except probably go through my purse when I'm under sedation.

Happy apps!

Brutalism said...

You might want to not wear the trenchcoat and fake moustache while picking your children up from school. (Another lesson learned the hard way...)

Malach the Merciless said...

Ahh, Texas Roadhouse and their MEAT is a guilty pleasure of mine

Moooooog35 said...

noname: You're Martin Luther King, Jr?

Me-Me: ..same can be said for a woman's menstrual cycle.

True story.

Picture: I KNOW. I'm still totally wearing my harness, though.

Vic: It's crazy difficult.

Go to their website.

Sign up.


Brutalism: Preaching to the choir, my friend.

Malach: Why am I totally not surprised at this.

MrsBlogAlot said...

HA! Damn. And I was really looking forward to the great-caper post...

You might actually get a lot of secret gigs from this. Keep your spy kit handy! (-:

Jessica said...

It must be your charm that keeps everyone crawling back...

lbluca77 said...

Am I the only one that has never heard of Texas Roadhouse? Sounds like a place they serve roadkill if you ask me.

meleah rebeccah said...

Great! I will start forwarding my emails to you!

Chris said...

I'm still wrapping my head around how racist a state has to be to vote to NOT get a holiday off.

JenJen said...

Sorry I'm tardy for the party here, but two things:
1. why does the word "moustache" look wrong no matter which way I try and spell it?
2. Amy Weinzimmer???? WEINZIMMER??? How unfortunate.

jenniferalaine said...

The part I'm confused about is why Texas Roadhouse is sending out e-mails in the first place... I mean... isn't their target demographic confined to their bed due to morbid obesity?

jenniferalaine said...


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