What I Dreaded Has Come True

September 11, 2012

I was reading my Bible the other day and I happen to be in Job.  For those of you non-bible people, Job is a man who lived a flawless life and had a perfect life.  One day, to prove Satan wrong, God allowed Satan to take everything from Job.  He ended up losing his children, his home, and his own personal health hit a sickening low to where he cursed the day he was born.  At one point he said in Job 3:25

"For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me. " or in another translation "What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true."

Yesterday as Darren and I actually physically stepped into the IVF consult room, paid $405 to talk with the doctor, and heard his explanation, I couldn't help but think of Job. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am so grateful for the hope IVF offers.  That God has allowed science to develop to this point that Darren and I someday may be called "mommy and daddy" from a human being that has his right dimple and my left dimple (we each just have 1 on opposites sides).  The doctor told us with two attempts he thinks we have a 70% chance.

But I was there.  Sitting in his office.  Seeing pictures of things I've just read about.  Egg retrieval.  Harvesting.  ICSI.  Anesthesia.  Embryo.  Freezing.  Injections.  Trainings. A crazy amount of money.

I'm kind of surprised this day even came.  I have always been nervous we would have trouble conceiving but I didn't think it would have to go this far.  Although I have an AMAZING marriage now, it was a rocky road getting to the altar; I've prayed God would spare us a rocky road getting a child.

Then the payment plans.  Thank Jesus I don't put my value in money because I'm about to feel like I'm throwing dollar bills out the window fast.  With a swipe of a card $405 for the meeting.  Before any plans we purchase kick in, it looks like another $900 for the trial transfer and another procedure were they fill my uterus with dye called SIS.  The payment plans are so hard because there is one option for 10k where you get 1 fresh and 1 frozen attempt (but if there are no extra embryos to freeze, then you are out the 2nd try).  Then for 16k you get 2 fresh and 2 frozen.  But if you get pregnant the first time, you pay the full price (which is SOO worth having a baby, but also frustrating you could have just bought one cycle).  The decision is heavy on my heart.  Do we gamble and go with the 1 or play it safe and go with the 16k one?  We are leaning towards 16k because we realize not all first attempts work and it might be better for our sanity.

I'm scared.  I know so many women do this, but I'm still scared.  I'm scared of the invasivness of it all.  I 'm scared of what the injections will do to me and how I'll feel at work.  I'm scared I'll fall into the 5% that have no embryos.  I'm scared we have to do ICSI because birth defects slightly increase.  I'm scared it won't work.

However, I also have hope.  I am stronger than I know and through HIM I can do all things.  It's invasive but who cares?  I'm used to being examined by now.  I will survive the injections; I survived the HCG, I will be okay.  It's only 5%  I have a 95% of having embryos.  ICSI directly puts the sperm in the egg so I won't have to worry about low morphology.  Birth defects happen to people who conceive on their own too.

Now is that awful waiting game.  Small chance I could be pregnant from the IUI I had on the 8th.  I might not be able to start till end of next cycle (late Oct) so maybe I'll conceive on my own in October?  Or maybe we can speed up process and start IVF this month.  JESUS let me know your peace in this storm and bless and the women who know the pain of "what I dreaded has come true."  Fill us with hope.

Just so you know, about Job, in the end, God restored him and blessed him with a better life he could have dreamed of before.....


  1. I know you said this but, this is not the worst my love.
    IVF, I believe, is seriously a blessing.
    After have gone through it twice in one year, I can tell you it will be tough. Tough on your wallet. Tough on your finances. Tough, tough, tough.
    But God's grace is sufficient and you will get through. Think of the women in situations worse of, there always are, and it'll make you stronger. I read stories of women doing it 7 times before a positive result and I read stories of women who didn't have a dollar to their name, but were working so hard...
    Yes, the injections, and appointments, and bills, and conversations you soon face will be scary... but let's try not to focus on that?
    Keep in your focus you, sitting in a rocking chair, in a nursery you have decorated... holding a little one. It makes the bills trivial, the injections less scary, the conversations worthwhile, and the appointments commonplace. You can do this.
    Get a great support system for yourself. If someone can't be a support, take a break from them. I'd love to help in any way I can.

  2. Thanks for the reminder Jen. I admire your attitude and what you have done for your little one!

  3. This journey works on your attitude! ;)


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