Jan 242005
Authors: Tyler Wittman

The United States needs to stop being such a pain in everyone's posterior. Think about how much of a burden we are to the world around us. The United Nations doesn't uphold its own sanctions when things get a little tumultuous, so the United States does it for them and ticks half the world off. How dare we depose a tyrant whose own insanity led him to purposefully deceive us into believing he had weapons of mass destruction? Yet that's minimal compared to the trick we've just pulled off. You know those big waves that killed a lot of people and destroyed countless homes and businesses? Looks like the world finally figured out that the tsunamis were our idea. We underestimated them.

Several members of the United Nations have proposed that global warming is to blame for the tsunamis. They even went so far as to take the word 'natural' out of their "World Conference on Natural Disaster Reduction," which they've been holding this past week in Japan. Guess who the United Nations thinks is responsible for the global warming they're talking about? Of course, the evil genius that is the United States. They're not alone in blaming the tsunamis on us either. Certain Islamic clerics are saying that it's the wrath of God because of American investments in Thailand. Wow. The Egyptian press has come out and said that the United States and Israel are trying to wipe humanity off the face of the Earth. See, the United States-Israeli led operation of detonating atomic weapons under the sea in certain strategic locations is causing the tectonic plates to shift. This results in all sorts of evil such as tsunamis, earthquakes, hurricanes and reality television.

Interesting theory indeed because we all can clearly see the benefits of erasing ourselves from existence, can't we? Maybe it's just me, but I don't get it. Perhaps the Egyptian press has their head somewhere it doesn't belong. It's okay; the United Nations is providing them sufficient company. In a time where an eerie succession of disasters started the New Year, the world community can't just come together and help those in need. They want something or someone they can blame.

If I had to take a swing at it, I'd say it is a sign of the coming apocalypse that the United Nations and other equally inept groups are pointing their fingers at the United States. To charge the United States as responsible for an act of nature is as ridiculous, unfounded and insulting to our collective intelligence as Fahrenheit 9/11. We've already dedicated over $350 million to the relief effort. I believe a thank you would be in order from a few countries instead of this stupid blame-game. Tectonic plates move and volcanoes erupt, but I'm positive the United States doesn't have a say in any of it.

Tyler Wittman is a sophomore speech communications major. His column will run every Tuesday in the Collegian.

 Posted by at 5:00 pm

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