Tuesday, June 19, 2012

What is Perfection?


I am so so sorry

I had no idea how fabulous you were

Until I met your colleague, Tuesday...

I am a perfectionist, but I am a horrible perfectionist...because I am far from perfect... 
But for some funny reason, I keep trying to be a perfect-perfectionist instead.  I'm funny that way. 

I've actually never met anyone perfect...and if I did, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't care for them much, so I don't even know why that sounds appealing to me. 

It's funny the way my thoughts make more sense at night, when I put them down on paper  computer.

Running out of gas is a great way to feel like a complete asshole teenager imbecile. I'm always rushing to make it somewhere. Waiting until the very last second to wake one or two itty bitties up so they can sleep....and making time to stop for gas sometimes doesn't get factored in, but that's OK because we always make due. I've run out of gas once in my life- years ago when I was in college.

Until tonight...Michael is out of town. I had a babysitter for 2 hours, and by the time I made the kids dinner, made sure Greyson was eating, woke Parker up and changed into running clothes- I only had one hour left. I was coming home from running just a few errands, still 3 minutes from home -and time for the babysitter to leave... I felt my car start to shudder and shake...and I was barely able to pull over on the teeny shoulder before it died completely. 


Instead of thinking, opps, I ran out of gas
I threw a little punch- to the non-perfect me...
Seriously...what 38 year old woman runs out of gas? I said to me. How do you expect to take care of the livelihood of two small children, if you can't even take care of your car? Why didn't you get gas coming home from speech therapy, even though Parker needed to get home to take a nap?

And my awesome neighbor down the street and her husband came to the rescue...

And helped me feel not alone...in a town where we have no family. 

Filling up after...being with them made me feel so much better. It actually was perfect.

And now I'm so excited for Wednesday, because I know it's going to be twice as good as Monday and Tuesday combined.

I've had more of a reverence for all kinds of different since I started sharing this blog.

I look for ways to seek different out and to embrace it.


I even bought this white peach because it was different, and I was afraid no one else would want the little guy...(but I won't lie- I was a little freaked out, eating the little one growing off the bigger one.)

I make eye contact to all people  and smile- like I would to anyone else... before Grey was in my life, I averted eye contact so they didn't think I was staring...but I thought about what I would want people to do if I looked different on the outside...and I would want them to treat me like they treated everyone else.


I try to refrain from using the word hate unless absolutely necessary. If I'm going to use it- I want it to keep its emphatic-ness. I want it to mean something.

So I say with conviction, I hate the Baby Center updates. But I don't talk behind its back, so I'll just say it outright. 

Baby Center- I hate you.

I soaked you up like the sun with vitamin D when Grey was in my belly. I would read and reread each gestational week. ...today Greyson is growing as big as a grain of rice....today Greyson got finger nails... and excitedly I would read weeks ahead and imagine the final moment when I got to hold my baby boys in my arms...

Then after Greyson was born came the developmental emails....Your baby is now sitting up...your baby is walking...your baby is saying his first words...

And I was right there, reading the subject line eagerly, cheering him on...

Baby Center raised no Autism red flags for me...and then when red flags started raising up on their own, Baby Center was right there, reassuring me...constantly... that it was going to be OK. That boys often develop slower...

"By 18 months, your toddler may be speaking only a few words — five is typical — but he'll understand about 50. " BabyCenter

Shew...Grey was totally saying 5 words by 18 months...Not Mama or Dada...but Baby Center said that's OK....and they should know...because they are a center...for babies.
And Greyson looked when we called his name- some of the time...and he smiled when we smiled...and he laughed...and he wasn't doing anything repetitive like spinning or rocking...and he didn't mind a change in his routine...so it was OK- right?!!! right? 

But still....something was off...and into the wee hours of the night...I google'd my eyes bloodshot......looking for something to specifically say, "Don't worry Chrissy Kelly...Greyson is not Autistic."...but I never found it.  The Spectrum is so big, friend! It can look like a lot of different things...

And now, Baby Center is sending me things that my child is most certainly not doing now in it's: Your child is doing blah blah blah...updates...numerous times each week...and each time I get one -I curse under my breath and I try to delete it before I even get a chance to read the subject line..but it doesn't always work...

And today, after one of those days with Grey...I got this one...

And so I went outside and threw my phone into the Ocean...

(I'm just kidding...we don't live near the Ocean...and I love my phone too much -so I actually just unsubscribed-again- this time from a computer- hoping it will work.)

And now as I talk to you, It all feels so simple...my kid learns in a way that is different than a Typically Developing child....

So what?

Maybe your kid will learn little and big after you show them some little and big things compared to each other a few times...and then they will be able to generalize that knowledge to other little and big things in their own World...

And mine will learn little and big from going over flash cards....
I think these are supposed to be rocks...but it looks like poop to me.

Hundreds and hundreds of times....and then we will work to generalize that information to real objects in the real World...many many times... to many many different objects..And yes, it takes longer, and more patience, and no- I don't love the fact that he has to sit in a little chair doing this kind of stuff during most of his days...


But that's how our story goes...and it's ours, all ours..and that makes it perfect...

For us.

I'm happier than many people I know who don't have a child on the Spectrum...so it doesn't really matter to me how he is learning...I am just grateful that he is learning.

Dear Wednesday.... Let's be friends...OK?


  1. I cannot stand Babycenter either. They have an extra, un-named child in our family since Matthew was 10 days early and I cannot figure out how to get rid of this mystery kid! I find their e-mails to be generic and unhelpful but I, like you, LOVED the pregnancy ones. Now I don't even read them anymore because they never seem "real". :)

  2. I just want to be in your kitchen with you so bad right now. Drinking coffee and talking and talking and hugging you for the difference you have made in my life. You are an incredible mother with a VOICE. A huge, loud, BIG, important voice. Keep writing. Keep loving. I'm sending you a huge smile and hug right now. xoxoxoxo I'm so freaking inspired by your photos and words.