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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job



A guy dies, goes to the gates of heaven, and starts telling Saint Peter a joke.

8 hours later, Peter finally gets impatient, interrupts him and says, "We don't have forever, Norm."

A new guy starts work at a bakery.


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A boy starts his first day at Walmart.



Trainer "Okay 10, 20 or 30 ft?"


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Some dude on the street starts thrusting his hips in the air. I asked “what are you doing.” He replied...

“Fukin nothing.”

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

Slow down and use a lubricant.




"And, how did your second husband die?".

"He ate soup made with poisonous mushrooms".

The court gasps.

The prosecutor follows on "How did your th...

A college student slowly walks into a bar and orders a beer. He starts talking to the bartender.

"What a day. Our physics professor has to be one of the most difficult professors on the campus." The student complains. "If she wasn't so drop dead gorgeous I would've dropped the class already." The bartender looks at him and says "So you could say she's easy on the eyes, but hard on the pupils?"

Nothing, in the English language, starts with n and ends with g


A gastroenterologist walks into a bar, grabs one of the bar seats, examines it, picks it up & starts walking out.

The bartender yells at him, “hey what do you think you’re doing?!”

He smiles and says “just taking a stool sample!”

What starts with E, ends with E, but only has one letter in it?


What starts with O, ends with N I O N S, and makes Americans cry?


Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....” Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence...


A good romance starts with a good friendship. A bad romance starts with...

>! rah rah ah-ah-ah roma roma ma, gaga oohh lala

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A bartender starts his shift as usual

and things are going smoothly. He shoots the shit with the regulars, knocking a few back as was his wont. A little later into the night a man walks in and orders a drink. After he gets the drink he sits and starts to talk to his hand. The bartender is confused for sure, he seemed normal enough when ...

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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Working on an offshore oil rig.


The old timer nods knowingly and ...

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Apologies in advance, this joke is older than God.

A guy walks in a bar holding an alligator. He undoes his zip, gets his dick out and puts it in the gators mouth. He then hits the gator on the head with a hammer. The gator then starts to sucks his dick. After a few minutes he turns to the people in the bar and says "Does anyone want to give this a ...

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Before the bullshit starts

A man comes into a bar and says: "quickly! two beer and two vodka before the bullshit starts!" The barman pours the drinks and the man downs them quickly one after the other.

"Quickly! two more beer and vodka before the bullshit starts!" the barman pours the drinks and the man thows them back...

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife starts having sex with him every day.




"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

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**Principal:** What is 3+3?

**Boy:** 6.

A poor family starts saving up for spoons so they can invite their rich neighbor for supper... (Long)

Once they save up, they invite the rich man, and in the midst of their conversation, it is mentioned that they had to save up for a spoon. The rich man laughs and says,

"I have a spoon for every meal." The husband goes quiet at this, but the wife replies,

"We have a friend who uses a ...

Snow White gets into a hot tub and starts feeling a little happy

Happy gets out and she starts feeling a little grumpy.

Grumpy gets out and Bill Cosby gets in and she starts feeling a little sleepy.

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Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.


The Martian resp...

What happens when the God Of Thunder starts writing books?

He becomes an author.




Here’s the oldest dirty joke I know



Gladys, the innovator s...

What happens to a book when it starts to exercise a lot?

It gets ripped.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

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A new bloke starts works on a building site...

He takes the elevator back to the top and keeps working.
No one seems to even bat a...

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

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What starts with "Fuck" and ends with "You"?

Your mother's pregnancy.



Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

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A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

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Nun gets up and starts walking down the cloisters. Another nun walks up to her and says "who got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning?"

Nun carries on walking and again another nun says the same thing. This happens 15 times as she is walking down the cloisters and she is becoming very angry. She gets to Mother superiors office and just before Mother Superior could say anything the nun shouts, "don't tell me I got out of the wrong si...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex




The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

Me: what starts with "W" and ends with "T"

Me: what starts with "W" and ends with "T".

Friend: what?

Me: correct.

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A joke in memoriam to Norm MacDonald. Please tell it and make it as unfunny as possible before you hit the punchline.

So, a priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "sorry, we don't serve jokes here." They all nod and walk out and the bartender keeps cleaning glasses.

A man carrying a frog and a tiny piano walks into the bar and the bartender looks up, sees them, ...

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"?



Student: I is the ...



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“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

What word starts with N, ends with R and is associated with a race?


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A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo



The old man replies "Well there is...
