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Working on staying disengaged is not always easy.

Zenmode's picture

I admit it, I am working on not asking any questions about them, unless it directly involves me or our home. Because asking =interest and involment and they (grown skids) have made it clear they aren't really interested in any sort of relationship with me unless it benefits them. Meaning "what can you do for me?" of course this is not asked but is a given because of my and DH's giving natures. I naturally just THINK of others as in "oh you're going to be seeing so and so? Here let me send some fresh baked bread" that then never gets acknowledged and I wonder why I bothered.

My mantra is "this is more important to me than them, and has no meaning for them" I decide whether to proceed. It also bums me out because it is not who I am as a person but some people just take and take.

I'm in a quandary right now. I make beautiful blankets, s-granddaughter 1 and 2 came over the other day and saw the one I was working on. Sgranddaughter 2 is a sweet heart. Very genuine and caring. 1- is like her dad, very self centered and narcissistic. Sgranddaughter 2 asked me to make her a blanket. I agreed and then regretted it. So naturally 1 asked for one as well. Uhmmmm.  There's also a 3rd gdaughter that I now suspect I will feel obligated to make one for, oh and on and on. This is not my plan nor my enjoyment. I enjoy making them for people that appreciate not just the workmanship but also the sentimentality that goes into them. I have not seen this sentimentality in most of them, just greed and fomo. (Fear of missing out) sigh. What to do. I guess I can always pull one of their tricks out of the bag and just play along knowing I've already got "other plans" and am booked up for the foreseeable future. LOL! 


ICanMakeIt's picture

Make one for the sweet granddaughter - your heart will be in it. The rest of the bunch sorry I'm booked up or whatever excuse they would give you. 


Evil4's picture

I'm a prolific knitter. My SD31, a narcissistic mini-wife, clingy cling-on, needy, cock-block-on-steroids had a baby 6 months ago. SD has been hinting for me to knit something. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no!!!!!!!!!!! I have not knit her a damn thing. I have knit items for my SS29 and SDIL26 though. I don't say anything, but it's obvious that I will knit for anyone and everyone except for SD. My DD21 told me in private that she knows why I won't knit anything for SD but will for others. I don't give a shit who notices. One time SD said something and I just said, "oh, I thought you didn't like my knitting." She just said, "oh." She knows damn well the stunts she pulled in the past when I knit tons of cool sweaters and jackets for her during her childhood. BM made fun of them and I never saw them again even after SD asked for them, picked out patterns and picked out the yarn. Never again! DD even said that at the time SD was a child and she's an adult now. Well, I'm not taking that chance. It'll be a cold day in hell before I knit another damn thing for SD and I don't give a shit who notices. 

You don't have to explain anything to anyone. Make a blanket for the SGD that you like and who appreciates your time, effort and love that you put into it and then just don't get around to making anything for the others. They likely won't say anything because they will know damn well why they're not getting a blanket. If your DH or any of the other SGKs say anything just throw out a passive aggressive comment to them like I said to my SD. Tell them you didn't think they were into that. 

Zenmode's picture

Funny what you said to sd about "oh I thought you didn't like my knitting" imagine BM making a snide comment about something you made for the gkid and poof what you made would disappear so fast. I think if sd wanted to be an adult she would come to you about silly childhood antics, apologize and tell you how much she would love something from you. 

I have one SD that Keeps asking me about camping. She doesn't really like "camping" but does like vacations and she likes being waited on and if all I'm willing to provide is "camping" and she has nothing else going on she wants to be included, She actually TOLD DH when he was trying to plan something with his kids "as long as it's not camping" so, she's more than happy to come on my camping trips but if it's down to camping or vacation she makes her preference known. The last time she brought it up I said "oh I heard camping wasn't really your thing???" She tried to back track but even her own daughter outed her when I said it. "She likes camping as long as all she has to do is lay around and wait for meals to be ready" out of the mouths of babes. 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Hell no! Do not give it another thought, those bitches sure wouldnt.

You knit for the sweet SGD the rest can climb a tree. Enough of your good nature being taken advantage of. If they ask you can always say sorry I am in a time crunch maybe soon, but that soon never happens ;)  OR tell them the dang truth LOL

CLove's picture

Yeah thats a BIG nope.

I am disengaged. Wont even trouble myself to get Backstabber/Munchkin SD14soontobe15 a couple of aspirin for poopsies headache. Husband - your kid has a headache, take care of it.

I dont craft really, but I do like cooking special dishes. Im on strike kinda right now. Husband gets to be in charge of all things skid now.

thinkthrice's picture

With this as it pertains to oldest half bro of Chef's, "Seasoned Citizen" who is up in his seventies.  He had been the most accepting of me but again only calls when he wants me to fix his computer or something computer related.   Chef prefers "Mr. Neutral" over Seasoned probably because he thinks Seasoned has a dim view of their mutual father.

Chef does not undersized that Seasoned, as the oldest of two broods, probably was treated much harsher and stricter as the oldest child often is.  Chef is the "baby" of 12 siblings and two marriages.  Mr. Neutral had the same mother as Chef and Chef also idolizes his mother.

I am not a fan of Mr. Neutral as he is not so neutral and has sided with the ferals and the Gir.  We almost never hear from him unless he wants something either.

Neither of these brothers has ever moved on after divorce and get bled dry by their adult children. 

JRI's picture

Make one for the appreciative SGD.  Drag your feet on the others.  They will probably forget or dont really care anyway.

I confess, I'm an unappreciative recipient.  My GM, mom and sister were great crafters.  To be polite, I always praised their creations.   But honestly, I prefer things I select in a store and I'm a minimalist.  Theyve given me many items and each time, Ive felt guilty because each "treasure" is an unwanted burden and I feel so bad that I'm unappreciative. 

I guess I'm channeling your bad SGDs.  They might be acting polite, like I did.

Zenmode's picture

I could make them up and just hold them and see if the topic ever comes up again LOL

JRI's picture

Don't make them unless they bring it up again.  That's what I'd do.

Aniki's picture

I get it, Zenmode. I make plush animals and quilts. Everything is 100% handstitched. I made memory plush animals for my SGKs (from their baby clothes) because SD28 and I now have a good relationship. BioHo saw them and texted my DH to ask me to make some for her. DH told me afterwards that he told 'Ho I had too many commissions. 

When we put our time, energy, and hearts into these things, it should be for people who appreciate all of that and not those who are trying to take advantage of us and our skills. 

grannyd's picture


Ani, some weeks ago, you recommended a TV program called, 'The Great British Sewing Bee'. Since then, I've been binge watching it and am completely addicted; I wait for it, eagerly, every Wednesday. Between that show and Clove’s determination to pursue further education, this oldster has been inspired to take up an old hobby. I’ve repurposed a spare bedroom with a new cutting table and shelving for my many metres of fabric, sewing notions etc. and feel energized! I’m presently making copies of Princess Charlotte’s smocked dress, just for fun, and am enjoying every minute! Thanks ladies. Give rose

Aniki's picture

Grannyd, I can't take credit for your addiction! TheAccidentalSM mentioned it on one if my blogs mid-April. *kiss2*

TheAccidentalSM's picture

It was my recommendation.  I'm loving the latest series but I have two left thumbs when it comes to crafts so I'll leave the hard work to the rest of you and continue to admire in awe from the sidelines.

grannyd's picture

Aha, my dear! So it was you who steered me to my renewed passion for sewing! I’ve been aimless lately and needed the boost of ‘The Great British Sewing Bee’ to get me kick-started. Ok

Gimlet's picture

Accidental makes the BEST show recommendations!

Granny, where did you find the Sewing Bee shows to watch?

grannyd's picture

Hey, Gimmy!

Computer hacking is one of my talents; I downloaded the entire series, up to the present date, from the internet. Diablo

BTW, Accidental, I've fallen, hard, for Patrick Grant! Wink


tog redux's picture

I do not have the skill to make anything anyone would want - but I would find this challenging too. It would be hard for me to make one for one and not the others, since I hate conflict.  Might have to decide which feeling is worse - making quilts for the 2 difficult SGKs, not making one for any of them, or just making one for the nice one and enduring the drama that ensues.

Zenmode's picture

I would straight up say "no" she's made it clear she wants zero relationship with me, even to go so far as when I've booked up events in the past, she clarifies very strongly what TIME her "family" with be there so that she doesn't get caught spending one second alone with me. This is also the daughter who early  on in my relationship with DH kept asking some very personal questions of me in mixed company every time I saw her and I finally said " SD3 if you are so interested in my life I would LOVE to get together for coffee one day and we can spend some one on one time so that you can get to know me better" she stopped doing that and no, coffee never happened either LOL. If she asked me to make her anything  I would just day "sorry I can't" and just leave it there. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Your post made me sad becuase like you I like to do things for people. I am a "giver" not a "taker" but disengaing has made it where I can't do anyting for SD. In the past it bothered DH if I got "too involved" in SD's life (I used to do a lot of nice sweet things - make her an Easter basket, fill her stocking with amazing things, spend time, effort and money on her bday gifts, buy nice things for her room etc.)  and now that shes almost 17 she wants less and less to do with me. I do nicer things for the neighbors kids then I do her. 

Zenmode's picture

That she wasn't really appreciative? Maybe he noticed she was such a taker. I'm the same. There are times my DH sees how entitled his kids are and he's point blank told me "I'm not doing xyz for them, it doesn't seem like they value the time or effort"  I of course agree. Then are other times he does back flips trying to please them.