feeling lonely and don't have anyone to share feelings with

I have bottled up for too long. The fact is, idk what am I doing, why am I doing, what is it. I have no freakin' clue of my own life. I am just so done. Every time I think I'll reach out to a friend when I feel this down and the moment I scroll through my contacts, I back off. There's no one I can reach out to because I feel they won't ever understand me the way I want them to. The best sort of friend that I usually used to reach out --- is no longer with me. Things have shut off between us and yes it does hurts me. I thought I was the overtly extrovert person who had a lot of friends whom she could fall back on whenever the need be but here I am, sulking and drowning within my own anxiously confused self. I wish I had somebody I could fall back on and tell me that everything is going to be okay, that it's okay to feel so, that it's okay to fail, that I know you are trying very hard but Idk what to do. I am just tired of carrying myself on my own now. It's just weird how cannot even just go hug my mother that I just don't feel good and it has been such a long while because she and pa are just too used to thinking that I am this happy-go-lucky kid. No ffs, I am not. I wish I could tell them this. I am just not good at anything. I have lost the energy and will to do anything. Even reaching out not help feels difficult and taking too much out of me.

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