Sunday, November 27, 2011

When small things become big doubts

Linking up to All Things Fadra's Stream of Consciousness Sunday again - it's been entirely too long since I last participated (See this is not goodbye from May). #SOC Sunday is the busy blogger's best friend. Write for five minutes only. No editing or stressing over word choice. Spill the thoughts on the screen, and that's it!

Just the kind of post I needed this evening.


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When small things become big doubts

My child is tall for her 3 1/2 years, but she's still small to me. She still needs help reaching parts of the counter top. She calls for help when washing her hands in the kitchen sink. She still rejoices in simple things like, "Mommy! I wrote a number five!".

It baffles my brain, however, that a small child can become such a big struggle for me. She is mostly well-behaved and of course, a complete angel for anyone other than Mom and Dad. But when she chooses to assert her independence at a most inopportune time? When she is hyper to the point of making me want to tear my hair out? This little girl starts creating major doubts in my mind.

Why is she so good when family is here?
Why can't she ever accept my answer the first time?
Why must I repeat everything too many times?

I search for "expert" answers, inquire among mom groups, and look deep into my own actions and tone. Still, sometimes, I want to sigh and give up. Am I doing something horribly wrong?

There are moms out there who make the world believe that they have it all under control. That they know it all. Those people can't be real... can they?

When she snuggles and uses her manners, I am proud. When she showers me with kisses, I melt. When she spends 45 minutes on a marker and crayon masterpiece just for Daddy's office, I beam. My child is sweet, artistic, and smart. I often feel like the luckiest mama in the universe.

I must be doing something right.

If only the confidence were as invasive and long-lasting as the doubt.
Or maybe, I need to find a way to make that happen.

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