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Bring back streaking!

Put your phone away and get your boobs out!

03 Jan 2017
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Feast your eyes on these lovelies, a much-needed antidote in our age of joyless, preening selfies. Matthew Bell on the lamentable lack of spontaneous acts of nakedness in the modern world.

Wasn't it wonderful when people used to streak? There was something so free and joyous about the sight of a grown-up running stark naked across a football pitch. So fun, so fearless - it was an expression of pure joie de vivre. Hardly anyone dares to bare any more. It has become, like faxing or renting a video, a relic of the late 20th century, something our children will refuse to believe actually happened.

Everything was different back then. If you wanted to cause a stir, you had to physically do something, rather than just post a controversial video on Instagram. And major sporting events were the perfect platform to shock, because they were broadcast free on BBC One, not Sky, so they were watched by literally millions of people at the same time. Oh, and the naked body was still a novelty, not something every teenager with an internet connection was intimately acquainted with by the age of 14.

Not that there was anything sexual about streaking. Quite the opposite - it was all about silliness and wobbly bottoms, and not giving a damn about whether you were Beach Body Ready. It was the opposite of posting a carefully composed selfie - it was all about freewheeling spontaneity. Streakers usually had the following things in common: pasty skin; a big bush or balls; a jubilant expression; waving arms; something written on their back in black marker, perhaps a half-baked political message or peace sign; and an awful lot of  Pimm's inside them. Because the thing to remember about streakers is that they were often steaming drunk. As someone once said of Erica Roe, who ran topless onto the pitch at Twickenham in 1982 - she was 'inspired by alcohol'.

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It was, of course, slightly annoying for the footballers, racehorses or cricketers to have some fuzzy-haired maniac with rampant pubes come barging into the limelight. Australian cricketer Greg Chappell once whacked a nuisance streaker away with his cricket bat. And you have to pity the poor policemen, duty-bound to go running after the streaker and rugby-tackle him or her to the ground. To make matters worse, the poor sergeants then had to use their beloved hats to cover the vital area (risking contamination by pubic lice), as in the memorable image of Jesus-lookalike Michael O'Brien, naked at Twickenham in 1974 but for a policeman's hat.

On the plus side, at least a streaker is always, clearly, unarmed. And, according to veteran streaker Mark Roberts, the police secretly love the drama. 'They often laugh as much as everyone else,' he says. 'They can't help it - the crowd will erupt and everyone is on your side. It's an amazing feeling.' Roberts's streaking career began in 1993, when he blundered into the final of the Rugby Sevens in Hong Kong. In his case, the drunkenness came the night before. Being a 28-year-old bar worker, he had cockily declared to his co-workers that streaking didn't seem that difficult, and anyone could do it. To which they replied, 'Well, why don't you?' They held him to it, and the next day, after a couple more beers to steady his nerves, he ran completely naked onto the pitch. He even caught the ball and scored a try. He was hooked.

Twenty-three years on and Roberts has streaked more than 500 times. 'I love the total freedom,' he says. 'You're free for about two minutes. Then you lose all your freedom the minute you're behind a cell door.' Although the police may find it funny, streaking is technically an offence. Roberts has been fined thousands of pounds over the years (but avoiding spells in prison for the most part). He says it's a price worth paying. 'It gives you such a buzz. You get a massive adrenalin rush.'

So there's nothing sexual about it? 'No! It's a Benny Hill thing. You're not out to offend in a sexual or perverted way.' Not that he can always afford the fines. 'At one point, I owed over £1,000 for three fines, so I handed myself in and did 14 days in prison instead. Stark naked, of course!' He has been prosecuted several times, charged with causing alarm and distress, but - as he puts it: 'You tell me who is alarmed or distressed. I win virtually every trial.' Over the years, security at high-profile sporting events has got stricter, and getting into an arena in the nude requires considerable organisation and planning. Roberts had planned to streak at the men's 100 metres at the Rio Olympics, but was foiled at the last moment. 'I had "Peace and Love" written all over my body and a white rose to hold between my teeth,' he recalls. 'I'd even had to go to a cemetery specially to buy the white rose - it was the only place I could find one on a Sunday. Anyway, I managed to follow someone into the stadium and was about to run onto track when a police guard blocked me with a loaded gun. I couldn't really argue with a loaded gun.'

Tips for successful streaking include making sure you can rip your clothes off very quickly - you really want an outfit held together by Velcro. It also helps to wear a referee's outfit, ideally also kept together by Velcro, which you wear under your normal clothes. That way you're more likely to get onto the pitch in the first place - it's how Roberts accessed dozens of football matches.

We live in an age when more people than ever are desperate to be noticed. Perhaps it's time to quit Instagram and revive the noble tradition of streaking? Footballers and golf players are elevated to the status of gods - it would be fitting to see a frolicking Pan figure among them. To cock a snook at these pampered popinjays and remind the world that sport is more than just a global money-making industry - it should be fun. Let's raise a glass and streak to that.

Fancy your own streaking challenge? Join our joyful campaign and send your (tasteful) streaking pics to You might win a goodie bag worth £1k. Which will help with any inadvertent chapping.