well, unless you have ladyparts, in which case suck it.

And then there were five. Jeb! is gone, along with a passel of other folks who were as awful as the remaining GOPers but just didn't have the staying power or requisite level of insanity. Although we all know by now that Trumpkins is going to be the nominee and America is pretty much a literal trash fire, we have to at least pretend that there's a horse race with Cruz and Rubio.

Inexplicably, both John Kasich and Ben Carson are still hanging on. Carson, we understand -- he is probably too sedated to even notice he is losing. Kasich, on the other hand, is just stone cold delusional about his chances. We can't entirely blame him, however, because he's probably still drinking the delicious Kool-Aid flavor called "John Kasich is actually a moderate."

We are here to tell you that flavor is garbage. That flavor is a lie. Witness Kasich's latest super moderate action: defunding the ever living fuck out of Planned Parenthood in Ohio.

The bill strips state and some federal funding from health clinics that perform and promote "nontherapeutic abortions," including Planned Parenthood facilities.

While the bill grants an exemption to abortions performed in cases of rape, incest and preserving the life of the mother, it jeopardizes the fate of other vital women's health programs.

For example, the $1.3 million in state grants that Planned Parenthood is slated to lose was allocated toward HIV testing, cancer screenings and programs that help prevent domestic violence and infant mortality.

Pffft. Who needs HIV testing or cancer screenings? Sluts, that's who! Everybody knows if you keep your legs closed, you never get cancer in your ladyparts. That's just science fact. And as far as preventing domestic violence and decreasing infant mortality rates, we're sure that Kasich's insane plan to re-introduce the Crusades will somehow make that happen, right?

We used to be more worried about making sure people understood just how terrible Kasich is, what with him doing things like working hard at coming across as Cool Uncle Who Loves Bands You Love Too As Long As You Love Linkin Park. But since he pulled a whopping 7.6 percent in South Carolina and currently possesses only 5 delegates, we aren't really all that afraid of Kasich-mentum leading him across the finish line. If only the rest of the GOP field wasn't a nightmare hellscape, we might be glad.



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