• Hi all,

    It's one thing after another this year, and this is yet another issue I'm finding hard to deal with. I left my marriage of 24 years towards the end of last year and am having trouble moving on from it. I'm feeling like I'm being manipulated to a degree, but can't be sure of that. We've kept the friendship going, but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a dependency thing and am wondering what on earth my next step should be.

    I'm torn between letting things run their course or deal with it head on as I feel hampered to a degree, which is how I felt in my marriage. Am I right about the manipulation, or am I being a bit paranoid? It's just that something doesn't feel quite right and as I'm in the thick of this situation, I can't get a clear picture of it.

    Anyone got any insights here? It's really confusing me ...

    Thanks very much in anticipation




  • Hey Cris my dear. Would u provide me with a picture of u? and this manipulation you feel, what is the reply u get from ur gut when u ask am i being manipulated to hang onto this whats bad for me?.


  • Well, I feel as thou if you want a good run for love you would have to sit down and talk to the other fellow like for coffee and and put your heart out there however you would have to elimate the factor of mr. know it all nosey lol meaning good bye for good because he would be the factor that keeps that relationship from happening and the other guy would not want to impose on the situation unless it was u and your ex was done for good! But that wont be easy because ties run deep, and he will surely put a spoke in you having any other relationship. And he quite enjoys running your life or manipulating your outcomes of situations which keeps him in control without being direct but indirectly he does it on purpose and likes it and thinks it is quite funny what a character he is for sure!


  • P.S. Even if you tried to be free it wouldnt be that simple not with your ex it wouldnt he wants to maintain that control over you and stay in your life and he is like a mainstay it could just be apart you cant let go of because it is so familiar not saying its good for u just familiar. I almost cant picture you without him being around hovering! defiantly wont let you have a life of your own.

    I have a Word that I like to use for him and men LIKE him " REDONKULOUS". Kind of like rediculous and donkey like the word jackass all in one lol please read my above post too in case you missed it but thought I should shed more light on this.

  • Hey Charmed,

    Here's the pic you asked for. And I do often get "yes" in answer to that question about manipulation ...




  • Honeykat,

    Well it sounds like I'll never be free of him if what you say is right! There's gotta be SOMETHING I can do to get out from under this, but the answer eludes me. He enjoys not only running my life, but everyone else's if he's given half a chance; like everyone is his responsibility, then he complains about it! I just wish he'd meet someone else and quick. That might be the ticket methinks ... Otherwise, world war 4 will break out if I try to break ties completely at this point in time; that's my feeling, but then you might also be right that I hang on to it because even though it's toxic, it's familiar - a bit like smoking! I feel like I might as well not have bothered leaving him in the first place ...

    Thanks again,




  • Oh honey u deserve so much more and hate to say it but it needs to. This is a friendship you need to kill. As in im done, over, moving on n you aint init, so bozz off n get a life on ur own. stop buzzing in mine. U may need to mark ur lines n stomp ur foot a few times n b harsh n blunt until he gets it. In time he will but u must b hard as rock n inpenetrable. Pick if u hafta at his weaknesses, blow em into proportions of magnitudes.

    Reason i say this my dear is, THIS is NOT a friendship. Its a hostage situation, its a ball n chain still. its a i get my cake n eat it also tricks. its a man who wont face he fouled up n he outplayed his stay n hand. so its HIGH TIME 4 u to find ya IRON BOOTS n start to kick butts.

    I sense by mayb jan feb 2011 he´ll get the picture on u aint fooleds by his trickster games anymore n that u mean its done over adios bozz off reality. From time to time till march i guess he´ll try to lure u in again but b firm n kick his butt.

    by april he´ll found a new "victim" u could warn her BUT in here lies a HUGE DANGER. it will make him charm u to take his manure n him back. Here guides CLEARLY says, the new person has to learn on her own. You stay out n far far far away from it.

    By march you´ll date on n off, nothing serious, coffee, dinner bc uve become cautious n guarded. Good for you. You´ll have come into ur own by summer 2011. give or take a month or 2 as u know guides aint got teh same time frequency as we do lol.

    hope this helps


  • Well thanks Charmed,

    It doesn't surprise me that he'll find someone before I do, but I wish he'd get the new chick before this year is up!! To be honest, the casual dating thing for me can go to hell because I truly couldn't be bothered with it. I've had a couple of "flings" this year and won't go there again because to me, they're a waste of time and energy - apart from lessons learned - and I can't see me being bothered with that stuff again. Still, you could be right there and I'll validate that if it happens!

    There is another on the periphery of my life who I mentioned above, but with the ex still in it, I guess my chances with this other one are zilch. He's just so hard to get rid of! And because I've got two kids to him, it's even harder, even though they're teenagers.

    So I'll just pray harder and harder for someone new to enter his life pronto. I do back off from him and say no quite often to his suggestions for coffee or other things. I want and need time on my own and don't want anyone, including him, invading it. I can't quite understand his incredible need to clutch on so hard, but then, he never has liked to lose.

    I'm just sick of the lack of real love in my life; it's gone on too long and seems to be dragging on just that bit longer. This is why I can't see myself being happy with casual dating.

    Still n all, life can sometimes bring a solution, so like I said, I'm going to say my prayers and keep hoping I can get the pluck to face this situation and end it properly. He caught me at a very vulnerable time not long ago and offered a hand when I needed it. Which of course I accepted at the time. But it's getting too much now; way too much.

    Do I mistrust all men? No. There's someone out there who's right for me and I aim to get him.

    Thanks again guys. We'll see what happens next.




  • The man u have on the perifery aint gonna go no where unless u tell him to buggar off. I see him stanbd by u n back u up in ur choises. ur ex has flings n for some days he´ll b satisfied but he cant shake the need to tease u by manipulating u. it slike a roaming animal male, home for some time but gone for some days.

    it all comes down to how hard u kick his butt in ur ironboots. its juss even if he has someone he just cant stop manipulating u. its like a spoiled brat n his toy.

    so get kicking gurl!

  • Thanks again Charmed,

    This really does worry me a great deal, as there's my daughter and foster son to consider. I can tell you I'm getting worn out by the whole thing, and once I reach the end of my tether LOOK OUT. I am the calmest, most accepting person of other people, but once I've had enough, I've had enough, so if what you say is correct and he pushes the envelope too much, he'll wish he'd never done so. It sometimes feels like I "owe" him for what I've done to him and this is wearing very thin indeed.

    Still, I'll stick it out, grit my teeth until Christmas has come and gone, then I'll be focusing on myself rather than being there to listen to him as I've been all year. God helps those who help themselves, and I can tell you, he's not really suffering as much as he makes out; this I know. I think you're right in that he's enjoying the "game" of wearing me down, but that won't work. Once I make up my mind, I rarely change it unless it's going to be better for me to back down. Something keeps telling me though, that this will come to an end and that I'm in a waiting game to a degree. The new year will bring a solution; of that I'm fairly sure. It's just weathering the storm I'm in for the time being that is exhausting me.

    So I'll keep faith, keep quiet for a little bit longer, then ... watch out :))

    Thanks again; I truly appreciate your time and concern,




  • Im here for u darling. So get polishing on ya iron boots. n while u polish em to a shine have some herbtea n count. U juss deside when is enough. i know the keep ya tongue for benefit of more n the whole, it tears at ya. N the last in my life has cause me to go up n down with illness n due to the unopportune time it stresses me. BUT i think im about ready to take the bull by his horns again n charge ahead lol

    again im here!

  • Thanks Charmed. So hard, because I don't mind his company as a friend, but just have this URGE to move on and get on with my own life. I sure hope you are able to sort your own difficulties out and trust me, I have a fair idea what it's like to suffer illness when you're kept tamped down and unable to express yourself properly. So as you're here for me, I'm here for you also.

    Let's go get em!!




  • Im so happy u said this bc there are stuff that worries me n it munches on me. I got sick of being unemployed so i was why not do soemthing i like like computering. at the time it was a nice plan until my preminitions come true, n i found fi felt i was in a right path but now im torn. I feel im not where i should be at all. also i feel like im headed for a kick off thsi computer science education. not sure why. mayb its the wrong path place feel i have.

    also load schanged regard the guys in the last few months. im not in telephone contact with em both. soem thing i never thought possible with Charlie.

    mayb its the planets but i feel like all has been re tossed up in air n again it swirls but yet hangs n not fall. in extentions to the wrong place path feel i feel more n more my place path is with Charlie. dunno why but culd bc i dunno how to help Alden with his darkmoods anymore.

    in short i feel im not where i should b n i dunno how to get to the right path, n i dunno whats up with the guys n how i can be of help other than b there. i knwo if i tossed deck in air gravity would make em kazonk on floor.

    as for ex ill say start marking ur lines, u know when he starts his bs cut him in the bud.

  • Well Charmed, I think we both might have issues with attracting needy men into our lives who back off as soon as we show an interest, or as in my case, take advantage of our good natures. Yes, I am marking my lines, but being very careful how and when I do this.

    If you're feeling like everythings gone to sh*t with your relationships, then maybe look at what sort of men these guys really are. What have they given you in return for your help and care? If the answer is very little/nothing, then why is that? You deserve as much care as you give out, so this is probably a lesson in self-belief. You're just as important as these silly men, so give yourself number one spot in your life and worry not about whether or not they're going to be okay. Trust me, they will be. I know m y ex'll be okay - he already is - so like I said, after Christmas I'll be backing off quite a bit. I also came to the realisation last night (after talking to my daughter) that the purpose for being in so much contact with my ex has been more to improve his realtionship with her. He's always been a bit pig-headed in some things and she had got very stand-offish with him. Now they're talking like old friends and he's listening more to her. So if that's the purpose of it, then I know my part in it will eventually not be necessary.

    So give yourself a chance at being with someone who isn't broken or needy and who takes from you. A relationship should enhance your life, not add to its burdens.

    Keep me posted!




  • Well its not a burden unless i make it a burden. Its juss a follow up on the feel i have that im not where i am supposed to be. Plus i long for 2someness and not singletoness.

    we all have our phases of selfdoubt n depression n dispair. We women r not entitled to it juss bc we r women. at least in my book. I reckon why im attracted to em is they r alot like me. in some way labelled wrong n misunderstood n not always treated nicely.

    The more they open up the more i understand n see what i hold as well., N its wonderful.

    what can b a crapthing is i want it now n they take it slow. Wisdom of ahm haveing lived longer than me right now, but then again mayb not lol.

    In my book the slow walk (UGH!) is bc they were burnt badly. Which takes me doubt quadroople to get em to trust n love me n for em to get i aint as they were at all.

    We all know holiday seasons gets many down, not jusst the lightdepression thing but the lonelyness n such. Its at such times i hate i aint close to them. long distance sucks lol

    as for giving up now ive come so close n i get surprising results i never thought i would no ..... nah ahh..............i cant i wont lol

    see im stubborn too lol

  • I get the message that you're on the right track, but not quite where you're meant to be; almost like you're a bit left of centre from it. But sit tight because things will become clear sooner than you expect.

    AS for these guys, well often who we attract is a reflection of ourselves, so if we like what we see in them, then there's no reason why we can't like ourselves now, is there? I don't believe we as human beings can ever expect to be without issues or baggage or other "downfalls" but at the end of the day, it's what we DO with those issues, etc, that matters. Dump the crap where it ain't gonna hurt anyone or weigh em down and thats okay. Dump it on other people and its NOT okay. So maybe you're experiencing these guys dumping on you - without realising it - whereas you're prepared to deal with your stuff on your own.

    Yeah I also get the loneliness thing too. It's not fun and can be soul-destroying if we let it get to us like that. But I keep reminding myself that being lonely now and then is one of the downsides of the choice I made to leave my marriage and if I wish and wish for someone to come and fill that hole, well I'll probably make yet another mistake by bringing another needy bloke into my life. So if I'm not working, I do stuff around the house, download music, sleep, read books or whatever takes my mind off the loneliness. Or give in to it completely and let it wash over me. Either way, it's never killed me yet, so it's all good.

    Don't get me wrong though: I don't want to be 58 and alone. Being 48 and alone is worrying enough, but give it another 10 years and I'll be trekking off to India and living in an ashram, trust me 🙂

    Still, none of us really knows what's in store for us, but I have to say that thoughts of this guy are getting stronger and stronger and I feel like he's almost living inside my heart/soul. Weird ... but nice. The reality may come soon. And it may not. Who knows? But I do feel him even if I don't SEE him.

    So keep laughing and keep hoping my friend. At the end of the day, that's all we've got!




  • Yeah. Well Alden is mayb down bc he has thoughts of last year. Last year he had a bad accident where he fell of stage during rehearsal and broke his hip. he was bedridden n detained from going far that season. I think this season he reflects of it n sees again he is more alone than then. He´ll perk up soon on his own accord. all he needs to know is im here. i reckon. As for Charlie well his ex tried to reel him in again n when he refused she smeared everyone he knows n like n love to including me. lame if u ask me as if that would win him back harh big fat joke. claimed to him i was excatly like her, n id not stick around once they was done. she is a character, hot air n all ................. prick a hole n air goes out. so i called n told him what i sensed n what i felt he needed to know. now we´ll see .................... but boy his ex is a cake ....................... im still shaking my head of the stunts she has pulled on him. poor guy. man!

  • Right on track? wow i juss feel like im not doing as well as i should in comuter science n it freaks me out. so ye i do feel off centre. the feel of teachers rather have me who has baggae n experiences there than 20ty somethung who acts know italls has also gone , dunno if ever they thought so. i guess its the what i dont know how to do im in ice thin ice scares me n im like uh oh .........................i wonder what they REALLY HONESTLY think of me as person n student. my!

  • Ask for feedback then rather than wonder what you're thought of. Sometimes though, when we choose the right path, it can present as being difficult so we think we've made a mistake. But I sometimes recall the road some biblical characters had to take and the c r a p they experienced along the way. It was still the right path for them, but the journey presented so many challenges they thought God had deserted them.

    So I guess you, me and others like us are questioning our individual paths as we speak for the same reasons. It's a case of keeping the faith and casting your mind back to what made you choose this path in the first place? That's not to say I don't question where I'm at, but thinking back as to WHY I chose this brings some comfort. Worrying about what's coming does not. I'm having a hard time living in the now through this, but that's the only solution really.

    So let's try and focus on the now rather than what's been - unless that brings comfort - and what's coming, because neither of those states will bring peace; only concern and worry.

    I don't understand exactly why I'm getting thoughts invading of this other man lately, but I'm sure things'll become clear at some point and that I have to not try and influence the outcome. We can't be responsible for other people's choices either. Your friends who are suffering have to fight those battles on their own and, as you said, remember that you're there for them if they need you. But who's there for you? If no-one, then you (and me) need to learn to look after ourselves because once we can do that, no-one else will be able to look after us as well as we can. That's a good thing, because we won't rely on anyone else to provide that for us. That's what I'm working towards anyway ...

    Hope this helps!

    Cheers dears


    xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxo (sorry that's an old joke me and my friends used to crack when we were drinking!!)

  • They r there for me. N ive got quite a few friends who is there for me as well. Sijuss if i was closer to em i could domore. this distance kills u know.

    toodles ta ta babes ;-}

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