Friday, December 16, 2005

Just Say No!


I'd like to speak candidly to you all about an abhorent social phenomenon spreading through Northern Virginia. Each year more people wrecklessly follow this trend, flagrantly disregarding pragmatism. These new adopters will spread this horrible habit on to younger unsuspecting victims. Yes, I'm talking about wiperuperitis.

Three or four years ago Northern Virginia drivers, under the guise of protecting their windshield wipers, during the winter began lifting their windshield wipers to the skies after parking. At this point I have yet to hear a "oh my god, did you hear what happened to Jimmy's windshield wipers" story, but the buzz on the streets is that this is to save people from the inconvenience of scraping around the wipers should we get a large amount of freezing rain. I have not seen this trend in areas more accustomed to harsh winter conditions (NY, Michigan). Perhaps the drivers of Northern Virginia are simply that much smarter. Perhaps not.

Here is a hypothetical situation: Lets say last night our area were coated with an inch of freezing rain. I did not put my wipers up, but the guy in the parking space next to me did. Would there be an "I told you so" look from the guy next to me? Would he be able to scrape that inch of ice off his car much more quickly than I? Are raised wipers somehow immune to ice accumulation? Would I become so enraged with my inability to free my wipers from the windshield that I would regretfully destroy them trying? I'm thinking no.



  1. you know, i was just thinking about this this morning, as i went to wipe away the ice with my windshield wipers (oops, thought it was just dew). for a brief moment, my wipers did in fact stick to the windshield, and i thought maybe the crazy people afflicted with wiperuperitis might be on to something. and then my wiper unstuck with no issues, and worked perfectly fine after that, so i'm back to mocking them.

  2. No mocking from me... I like the wiperupperitis trend, and those who are afflicted. I think it is cute. I have at least on one occasion joined in the festivities previous to an impending ice storm... and reaped the results the next morning. Will the wiperupperitis give you a 'told you so' look in the morning? Doubtful... but there will be a smirky grin on their face, and an extra bounce to thier step as they clean off thier windshield. Compare and contrast that to the abuse that they would take if they were to forget to put thier wipers down, and you saw them driving down the road... I think that they are pacifists to your aggression. If they get to the point where they start lifting your wiper blades - then you have something to get riled up about... as it stands, I think you should just get a chuckle out of it, just like me. Oh, and I love that it may be a regional thing. Perhaps you could start a flickr group and see how wide spread the practice has become?

  3. Would someone please explain what the potential benefits are? I asked my jeweler who is located in butt-friggin-cold Iowa if he has ever seen anyone do this. He said that in all his years he has yet to see someone do that and he didn't understand why they would. I had to explain why I think they might do that - but admit that I was not sure.

  4. If I park in my 'hood at the end of the day, and there's ice/snow in the forecast AND other cards around me have their wipers up -- I will more than likely put mine up as well --- but I'll probably never remember to put them up on my own if I don't see anyone else doing it --- it's a precious 15-22 seconds saved in the AM of lifting/scraping.

    I don't know about you, but those 22 seconds I save could be spent on more important things in life... like eating an oatmeal creme pie... or commenting on

  5. disclaimer: do not go to my web site. It's filled with nothing, though this is more the point until I establish And with that out of the way

    I think this wiperuperitis is a deep, deep inner third-eye view into the soul of many people. It says "hey, I don't know why I'm on earth, and I don't fully understand the rules and regulations of living as well as my goals and establishments. I don't really have all the answers, but what I do know is history can give me the answers, and in the Rennaissance, great Knights ad Kings put up their wipers when the storms came, and that's what I'm gonna do." It's a message to all of us that they, the northern Virginian entrepenuer, have graciously and partially-yet-acceptably-blindy entered the world of the known having followed their conformities that bind us to society.

    The wipers stand tall and proud amidst the car, a deeper symbolic view into the minds of their owners, representing the feeling in all of us to reach a mime-benevolent grasp of consequence and our ties to culture.

    On the outside there are gobs of uncertainty. "Should I put up MY wipers? What if it really does ice over? Who has the last laugh then? Do they know something I don't about the weather? For every wiper I Ieave down does a kitten gets punched in the face?" So many questions, so many many questions.

    The ultimate cut and dry here is the same reason people do anything - passion and faith. If you feel deeply that it's going to ice, why not go the 110% and really take charge of your windshield. If you don't know what the wipers will do, why not stand them up like the rest? You just have to believe what everyone else believes ... how can such a huge career-oriented world be so wrong? I stand up my windshielf wipers, I delve into the catharsis of the majority, I make my bed every morning I wake up, I say bread and butter when I go around the other side of he column, I tell the jews that they've got it all wrong, I believe the 2 second rule is effective but I blow the dust off my recently dropped cheese and cracker, I knock on wood when I say things are going good, I take 3 steps back and 3 steps forward in the same footprint before I can open any door, and all statuettes in my home face due east.

    I also think everyone has hero confusion. There aren't many pure role models left out there. Nixon had to go and screw it all up. Honestly if Chuck Norris didnt put up his windshield wipers, would you?

    No answer goes unanswered without experiments. For the next week let's all open our gas lids when it's below 30 degrees outside. We can plant the seed and watch it grow. We could talk about how low temperatures cause backpressure on gas and your car can blow up. I'll find some crazy pics of melted cars and post them in a random forum talking about how some guy didnt open his gas lid and BAM his entire house burned down.

    To sum it all up, everyone worships their God or go athiest, and some people follow their teachings, and some people put up their windshield wipers. Those people are definitely on one side of the tracks.

    I have $10 that at least one of those wiperuperitis-infected people are vegan and/or use those cell phone protecto stickers.

    REO Speedwagon once said "And even as I wander, Im keepin you in sight. Youre a candle in the window on a cold dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might." They really hit the nail on the head, those crazy speedwagons. Isn't it time we ALL bring that ship into shore and throw away the oars forever?

  6. Wow. You have really tapped into something Wesley. I second the motion to start leaving the gas tank open - but it needs to be done on a small scale first, with the goal of propegating to at least one person through nothing more than indirect persuasion.