Philosophy major chains himself to ashtray to protest stricter smoking rules

A specter is haunting St. Olaf – the specter of draconian new smoking policies imposed by the crypto-fascists in the SGA or whatever. Their dangerous policies will threaten the crippling addictions of almost every Philosophy major (myself included), while dangerously raising air quality around the benches by Buntrock to unheard of levels.
Perchance you are asking, “Why does he care?” Well, dear reader, I care because of the categorical imperative; you probably have not heard of it since it is kind of a philosophy thing. Basically, it says that smoking is good or something. My essay on it is due next week so I still have some time to figure it out. The point is, the actions of the St. Olaf Administration are unacceptable from a moral standpoint.

But how do we stop this crisis? How will we convince the student body that our cause is just? Simple. I am going to chain myself to an ashtray until the administration changes their mind. It is like what those people do with trees – I saw a picture of that in my PHIL 119 class. They can only ignore our righteous anger for so long before they reverse their terrible decisions and free the people of St. Olaf from this tyranny.

By chaining myself to an ashtray, I will lead the revolution against these new guidelines imposed by the authoritarians who masquerade as the St. Olaf Admins. As soon as the Administration gets word of what’s happening, I am sure they will rush to revoke the new rules.
Jarrett Krouss ’23 is from Minnetonka, Minn. His major is philosophy, duh.