mental illness


“Your only given a little spark of madness. You mustn’t lose it.”-Robin Williams

The confirmed diagnosis. I had a major depressive disorder diagnosis, for about 2 years before it changed. I was of course on medication and waiting for it to help with my chaotic mind.  It helped a bit, but not enough to change my quality of life. I still had extreme lows and extreme highs, at the time however I hadn’t noticed it.  When I finally question my diagnosis was when my mind went back to all my  ups and lows. There where days, weeks, or even months sometimes where I could work like a mad women. Sometimes working 7 nights in a row a week, plus crocheting, coloring, watching every binge worthy show in sight and still manage to stay up with my son till 5pm, pick up kids at school and feed them. Of course, the higher the high, the lower the low. Super mommy eventually burned out, there where days where it hurt to get out of bed, and it didn’t help that I felt guilty with my kids for always being tired. Often I would push through on no sleep and run around Disneyland with them, or we would drive anywhere just to eat good food, or sometimes even the beach. My highs where fun not just for me but for everyone. My lows where low, I couldn’t get out of bed and when I did, I was miserable, my stomach was off, I would feel like I had  to throw up, I would get major migraines and my body ached. I was also explosive and honestly scared I would end up catching a case one day cause a stranger pissed me off. I know the way I put it may sound a bit funny but I have to tell you, it is miserable. All of this of course contributed to my diagnosis change. I can’t remember the exact date but, I can tell you when I realized it. I was explaining to my psychiatrist how I was feeling, his facial expressions became very serious and he told me he had to consult with a more experienced Dr. He then came back somewhat sad looking and he told me that after reviewing my records, he believed I had bipolar disorder, He then went on to be extra careful when he spoke to me as if any minute I would break. He then adjusted my meds. That day I called or text a few close friends to let them know. I’m blessed to have great people in my life because they helped me to see that Bipolar 1 doesn’t define me but helps to give Adi, that sparkle she misses sometimes.

19 thoughts on “BIPOLAR 1”

  1. Thank you for sharing; I could relate. When I am on my highs; I am super creative; talkative; witty even but I am on a low I just want to stay home and shut the blinds and go back to bed. I am so glad you got a proper diagnosis; I hope things improve for you.

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  2. I know your story is true, my x-wife had these and other issues and my youngest child (25) also has issues. These issues can be hard on all family members. Love and understanding for each other is what helps us all. I wish you and your children well.

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    1. I so relate to this post. I was diagnosed with bipolar last year when I was having manic highs. The diagnosis has really changed my life as it explains so much of my previous behaviour. My meds changed and I don’t get the highs anymore. Thanks so much for following my blog.

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  3. Adi, the best part is you have been diagnosed, so now this will help you to know yourself better.. Educate yourself as much as you can on the topic.. and One day I AM SURE.. I will find an Adi without #The label of Bipolar


  4. This sounds like what my almost 40 year old son goes through. He refuses to see a professional. Unfortunately, because he “self-medicates,” we had to ask him to move out of our house.
    I am glad you have found help. It is a miserable way to live.

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  5. Thank you for blogging about this. My daughter has this diagnosis. She’s only 11. Her manic periods can be extremely violent. She experiences periods of psychosis. It’s hard to find the right combination of medication to help her. May I ask, did you have any indication of BP1 in childhood? For my daughter things got intense right before puberty. I think the DX helps get treatment and medication. I wish it helped with society’s understanding and acceptance. You are very brave to blog about this!

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    1. Thank you for reading. I’m sure that underneath the hard times, your daughter is a sweet heart and such and empath that it could almost feel like life hurts for her. I did have show indications of BP1 when I was a teen, but unfortunately it’s all taboo in my culture, so my parents just attributed it to hormones mixed with a bad attitude. I now know better and know that what I was feeling at that time wasn’t normal. Your little girl is so blessed to have you, just by getting her help and a diagnosis takes so much courage and so much time. You are a warrior and your not alone 😘

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  6. Your post is colorfully descriptive. Nicely expressed. My teen son was just diagnosed and you’ve given me some insight not only to what he may go through, but surprisingly what I myself have gone through (without diagnosis). I hope you have More days of Peace and happiness ahead

    Thanks for sharing

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  7. I think the worse part of bipolar disorder is, the depression. It’s so awful. I’ve never felt so bad. I say this every time. Then, when I go manic, I beg to slow down. Nothing seems to help.

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