Rooms for swinging lovers

Kiss goodbye to roses and chocolates this Valentine's. If your love life is flagging, try a lion's cage, leopardskin rug or a swing to give it a boost. Observer writers check out Britain's kinkiest hotel rooms
An hotel bedroom

The Hempel, London

The Lioness's Den. I rolled the words around on my tongue and liked the sound. Seven months into the relationship and with things starting to slacken in the love department, a stay at a luxury hotel was just what we needed. And where better to rekindle our fading amour than in a room called The Lioness's Den in the Hempel Hotel just off Hyde Park?

I had visions of a cage complete with whips and a big sturdy chair to scare the naughty beasts. Perhaps, I mused, there would be... restraining devices. Naturally there would be a waterbed and fantastically anachronistic rococo gold furnishings. The cushions would be in heart shapes with satin frills. News of the World reporters would be lurking under beds to catch ex-Tory ministers conducting affairs with 17-year-old nymphets.

Boy, was I wrong. The first thing you notice about the Hempel is what you don't notice. There is no grand entrance to welcome/intimidate you, just a black door with the hotel's name written in small letters above. This sets the tone for the hotel. Conceived by the incredibly cool designer Anouska Hempel, the hotel is a study in the five elements of Oriental philosophy: earth, wood, metal, fire and water.

Fireplaces burn at each end of the lobby. Above a sunken seating area soars the atrium, a mass of glass and impossibly beautiful. The smell of spices fills the air as home-made candles burn. The lighting is discreet, shy. Lilies hide in shadows. Naturally, the terrifyingly attractive staff wear immaculate black suits. If Robert Palmer was still making pop videos...

We are shown to our room at the end of a thin, windowless corridor. It is breathtaking. The bed is suspended above the main room on a mezzanine floor enclosed within slim bars of brushed steel. The room is all wood and slate. The bathroom, crepuscular, features a long metal bath - enough for three adults, (hey, hey, hey) - built into its own alcove. There is wine and fresh, exotic fruit courtesy of the manager. A CD player hides in a hidden wardrobe. It's all extremely soothing.

The Hempel's I-Thai restaurant continues the theme. It is dark and subterranean. The food is superb: soft-shelled crab sushi; perfectly roasted John Dory; the most luscious ice creams; and the lobster - the lobster was sensational - poached in butter, it just melted on the tongue.

A three-course meal for two with two glasses of champagne and a cheapish (£20) bottle of wine came to £200, so the experience is not for the tight-fisted. But then this is the point. The Hempel experience is unique. It might not be classically 'rose-tinted' romantic but it is beautifully, profoundly intimate. For people who don't love each other very much it would be a nightmare.
Jamie Doward

· The Hempel, 31-35 Craven Hill Gardens, London W2. (020 7298 9000). The Lioness's Den £790 per night. Standard doubles from £255. Breakfast not included.

The Pavilion, London

If your true love values fluffy dressing gowns and judges an establishment by the efficacy of the power shower, they won't necessarily like the Pavilion. If, however, they fancy themselves as a bit of a bohemian and would enjoy the kudos of hanging out where Stella Tennant et al flit around, whisk them to the Pavilion immediately. They'll positively adore the place.

Billed as a 'funky, laid-back townhouse', the 30-room hotel is just a sequin-scattering away from Hyde Park. Each room is themed to embrace a spectrum of genres, feelings and fantastical situations - from the Honky Tonk Afro room with its beaded curtains and swathes of Seventies citrus velvets to the glorious hunting, fishing, shooting pastiche of Highland Fling.

We pitched up on a Saturday night, having dragged ourselves across London in the most inclement weather imaginable. However, at this place you leave your bad mood at the door with your umbrella. It must have taken me 12 seconds to get into the Pavilion groove.

At first it's difficult to pinpoint what makes this creaky old building so attractive. There's a rather jolly, faintly seedy, boarding house quality. Then you start to notice the décor - mini chaises-longues in jewel colours, zebra-print cushions and chinoiserie wallpaper - and it's all very glam.

Through a rather unattractive fire door which hints at the house's former incarnation as a student hostel, we were shown to our room, Casablanca Nights. It's a Moorish fantasy - crushed velvet curtains in a deep purple like a pair of Elvis's flares, a colonial bed, Twenties dressing table, and lit by an array of pretty lanterns and lamps and a painted ceiling that Michelangelo would have been proud of. Frankly, why would you want to be anywhere else?

We should all be glad that Noshi Karne, who runs the Pavilion with her brother, abandoned her dental career in favour of creating fantastical interiors.

And although you can't put a price on love, with double rooms at £100 per night it's nicely affordable for central London.
Lucy Siegle

· The Pavilion, 34-36 Sussex Gardens, Hyde Park, London, W2 (020 7262 0905). Double rooms £100 per night.

Hundred House Hotel, Shropshire

The Hundred House Hotel has built its reputation around swinging, but not the kind that would force me to write 'at this point, our reporters made their excuses and left'. The big gimmick of the hotel, which is in the small village of Norton, Shropshire, is that seven of the 10 bedrooms have swings in them. In our room the swing was set up in such a way that anything more than a gentle effort and you clattered into the wardrobe. The point of the swing was lost on me but my wife Jessica found it very useful to sit on while drying her hair in the huge mirror on the wall behind.

Far more impressive than the playground apparatus is the herb garden. On a dank January afternoon it is not at its best but I'm told that in the summer its fragrances can drift as far as the Menai Strait. It is home to five times as many herbs as appear in the lyrics of 'Scarborough Fair' and is lovingly tended by Sylvia Phillips who, along with husband Henry, has owned the Hundred House for the past 17 years.

The Phillips family (their two grown-up sons are also involved in the business, one as the chef) are wonderfully potty. This can be seen in the decor. Our room, Angelica - named after the herb - had a gold ceiling, turquoise walls with gold hearts, flowery curtains and a patchwork spread on the Queen Anne-style bed. All bathroom furniture was pink. I'm told every room is different but only a dedicated swinger could confirm it.

Down in the bar and dining area the feeling is slightly cluttered due to the vast array of large wooden pieces that look as though they have come from a diocesan closing-down sale. According to Henry his wife is a bit of a collector. She clearly can't help herself.

But it is the eating and drinking that make the place. Half a dozen family-sized Irish oysters followed by pan-fried venison steak kept me quiet while Jessica kept the griddle busy by having scallops and a tuna steak.

People obviously discover the Hundred House and consider it their special place - a trip through the visitors' book confirms this. A bit like a bumblebee in flight, it shouldn't work but it does. Beautifully.
Oliver Owen

· The Hundred House Hotel, Norton, Shropshire (01952 730353). Double room, with swing, £125 per night.

The Witchery, Edinburgh

It may be the camp Gothic archway into the bathroom, the real leopardskin throw or the Ferrero Rocher on the pillow, but if you really want to spoil your date, book in to the Witchery in Edinburgh.

Arrive by train in the Scottish capital, walk up to the Royal Mile and check in to your own private apartment, the Old Rectory, just a few hundred yards from the ramparts of Edinburgh castle. The walls are covered in red velvet. The mahogany bed is huge. Best of all is the bathroom. The archway that leads you in looks unmistakably like a pair of giant buttocks. Inside you can linger in the free-standing bath surrounded by candles.

Shortly before dinner a waiter will arrive carrying champagne and fresh Scottish salmon canapés. Waiting for you downstairs is a corner table in the Secret Garden restaurant. It is set in the stone-clad courtyard of an old school, lit entirely by giant candles and decorated with silver cherubs. After a single malt, it is a short walk back up the turret to the Old Rectory where fruit, chocolates, ice-cold Evian and a bottle of pink champagne should see you through until morning.
Alex John

· The Witchery by the Castle, Royal Mile, Edinburgh (0131 225 5613). The Old Rectory, £195 per night including breakfast and bottle of champagne.

Crazy Bear, Oxfordshire

If Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen had been asked to make a perfect soft-porn pad, he would have come up with something similar to the Stripy Room at the Crazy Bear in Stadhampton. When my boyfriend and I first walked through the door we had a Changing Rooms moment as we took in the bath at the end of the bed, the four elaborate mirrors, the stripy walls, the wall-length triangular bedhead, the rococo-style golden furniture. But all seemed rather tame next to the tiger-skin rug with its stuffed head gaping at us from the marble floor.

A 10-minute drive from Oxford and 45 minutes from London, the hotel's brochure claims that at the Crazy Bear 'old meets new and both win'. They may both win but we felt a bit lost and, more worryingly, not at all turned on. We decided to retreat to the bar where we were fine until we looked up and saw a stuffed bear hanging above our heads, its claws splayed. Slightly shaken, we went for dinner in the Thai Brasserie.

The restaurant looked like a set from a David Lynch film; we ate a delicious meal, but after a while my boyfriend looked up from his chillied baby squid and shouted over the chanting dance music: 'Chloe... I'm scared'.

Our last hope was a warm bath, where we tried to relax and feel sexy but ended up watching Joan of Arc burn on the widescreen TV. Breakfast was in the other dining room, which serves à la carte dinner in the evening. A zebra was hanging on the wall but by then we were accustomed to the wackiness.
Chloe Diski

· Crazy Bear, Bear Lane, Stadhampton, Oxfordshire (01865 890714). Double rooms from £80 to £120 per night. Suites from £150 per night.