Dear Amy: More than 30 years ago my fundamentalist parents did everything they could to prevent my wife and me from marrying (we were atheists).

My brothers either kept neutral or sided with my parents. My wife would have nothing to do with them after we were married.

My parents are now gone. My brothers have since tried to be nice to my wife, but she resists. I visit my brothers' families by myself.

I understand her position, but I feel she should at least try to be part of the family because they have been more welcoming. I feel she should let bygones be bygones. This is the only bone of contention between my wife and me. — Want Peace

Dear Peace: One of the biggest challenges in family relationships is to grasp (and then truly accept) this reality: You cannot have people's relationships for them.

Sometimes you can influence or mediate between people to broker a sort of peace, but essentially (and unfortunately) the relationship is really controlled and maintained by the opposing parties.

What this means is that your wife can choose not to accept various olive branches extended her way. She can choose not to forgive people who were once cruel to her. She can passively stay in a state of sadness or anger without trying to change.

You can continue to try to encourage your family, and your wife, to come together. You can encourage each party to try harder (for instance, have your family members actually acknowledge what they did and ask for forgiveness? That would be a start).

You need to manage your own anxiety over this.

Dear Amy: For the past few years I have been going through what I describe as my "medical mystery tour": The doctors all agree that there is something wrong, but they haven't yet discovered exactly what is causing my medical problems.

One of the symptoms I am experiencing is that I cannot keep on weight. While I have always been on the small and scrappy side, I am currently quite skeletal.

My dilemma is that when people ask about my health and I mention this, I am almost always greeted with some form of "Gee, I wish I had that problem."

I understand that they mean no harm. I don't want to embarrass anyone, so I usually quip something lighthearted and move on to another subject.

This whole thing — my illness and the pressure of trying to get better — is getting exhausting. Can you suggest a way to respond that will put people on notice that I am sick and scared, and even a little insulted? — Scary Thin

Dear Scary: You should realize that people tend to have an extremely complicated way of responding to another's illness. Either they launch into a story about something that happened to them or their sister-in-law's cousin, or they try to joke, dismiss or diminish the reality of what is happening to you. These quips are really expressions of fear. It might help you to realize this.

You can respond very simply and effectively by saying, "No, you really don't want this problem. I assure you."
