Dirty Tackle

Juan Mata brainstorms ways to improve his standing at Chelsea

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

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Juan Mata, back to back winner of Chelsea's Player of the Year award, has had his role diminished by Jose Mourinho this season. This has led to rampant speculation as to his future with the club, which was fueled even further by his show of frustration after being substituted just before Chelsea scored all three of their goals in Wednesday's win against Southampton. After the match, Mourinho implied that Mata is free to leave the club, but if the midfielder wants to stay, he will likely have to take action to gain favor. The following is Juan Mata's list of ways he might accomplish this.

-Continue to be nice to everyone.

-Make everyone personalized mittens to wear when it's cold.

-Adapt to the manager's style of play.

-Buy everyone puppies.

-Grow an extra long beard to look infallible. Like Gandalf. Because you can't bench Gandalf. Maybe dye it white too. And carry a staff.

-Kill Oscar.

-Convince Roman Abramovich to bring back Andre Villas-Boas by sending him a hand written letter that includes the word "please" and a smiley face sticker.

-Kidnap a bank teller and frame Jose Mourinho.

-Bake a delicious cake that makes people think they are eating at the cafeteria in heaven.

-Cure sadness.

-Write a poem about the joys of being a grandparent.

-Save Earth from a devastating meteor strike by reasoning with it and offering to be its friend.

-Find a real unicorn and name it "Giggles."

-Engineer an incurable flu epidemic that makes the black plague look like a minor outbreak of the sniffles and ensures no one is safe.

-Free hugs.

-Something like world peace, but not world peace exactly.

-Summon malevolent spirits to act as an unstoppable army of destruction in the night.

-Help Fernando Torres and Samuel Eto'o score more goals.

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