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Jurassic Park: My Novel

posted by bloodkiller630 on - last edited - Viewed by 439 users

so I created a novel and 2 parts so far from a different forum site, tell me how i did:D
It has been ten years since the park failed, Allen Grant, went over his head a lot about how the raptors sounded, and all these terrible things that had happened while being there, also the trip to Isla Sorna three years ago! Which he had no idea that kirby, and his ex would have landed on the island to find their son Eric. He hated the islands really bad, thinking they are a bunch of genetic engineered monsters nothing more or nothing less. While thinking he also thought of Ellie how things turned out with him and her, after their divorce with Mark a while back. He just kept thinking about her, why they broke up in the first place, and most importantly just why? They were together again finally a few months after the divorce.
The story begins
Out in a place in Wyoming, Allen Grant just uncovered a tyrannosaur. He was very anxious to get everything together, all this excitement made him thirsty. So he went and grabbed a drink from the trailer, he remembered when John Hammond came in and talked about the park and everything, just then a phone rang, at first he didn't answer, but a few rings later he answered, he really didn't know who this guy was at first, but then it hit him, it was Ellie, his girlfriend, or soon to be pronounced wife, she wanted to get married out over in Costa Rica, and also have their honey moon there. He was actually surprised since the islands were close by to Costa Rica. "Hey Allen," she said, "I cant wait for our wedding this weekend, I cant believe we are getting married." "Yeah I cant believe it either hun. I got us a private plane to go to Costa Rica, and all of our family members," I said. "Well love you, I got to go, just uncovered a tyrannosaur." "Alright love you.," she said, "love you too." Billy then came into the trailer. "so you excited about the dinosaur we just uncovered, and your wedding this weekend?" "Of course I am, why else shouldn't I be?" I said, Billy said, well wouldn't you be nervous about a plane crash or something? I mean if we crash onto one of them islands?" I said, "We wont I made sure we don't go near any of them islands. Well enough talk we got a dinosaur to get too." Billy said, "alright lets get to work!"
The Wedding, or is it?
Finally, its the day I and Ellie are getting married just chills all over my body, and I am thinking about her non stop. I am at the airport right now to fly over to Costa Rica, with me and my fiance. All of a sudden I got this terrible feeling in my stomach something bad is going to happen, but i ignored it and continued on into the plane. Me and Ellie had a long conversation of how our life is going to be like when we are married and how her son Charlie is doing on the other plane with our families. Then of course I fall asleep, well Ellie falls asleep first, then I do. Several hours later, we both heard the sound of the alarm going off. "mayday mayday we are going to crash, I repeat we are going to crash, put on your seat belts, and hang on tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride!" said one of the pilot's Then all of a sudden we hit ground hard, I couldnt barely stand the feeing, it was like dejavu, from three years back, from the plane crash, from last time. All of a sudden we stopped. I said, "is everyone ok?"
we arrived from the plane crash on Isla Sorna
"Yeah we are all ok," cried the 1st pilot, "Ellie are you ok?" Said Allen, "yeah, a cut on my leg, but I can manage." Allen then got out of the plane and so did everyone else. "Where the hell are we?", said pilot number 2, Allen said,"Well we were close to our destination...... oh god hopefully it isn't!" "Hopefully it isnt what?" Said Ellie. Just then a cry of a Tyrannosaur went of in the distance. "What the hell was that?" said pilot number 1. "Everyone, do not move a muscle," said Allen." Just then, before their eyes, was the furious beast. Pilot number one whispered, "what is it? Its a Tyrannosaurs Rex!" whispered Allen. "I thought they were extinct?" Said pilot 1. "I thought so to," said Allen. Just then a bunch of insects crawled up pilot number 2's pants, he squirmed, and danced like a monkey, all of a sudden the Tyrannosaur spotted him and roared the loudest roar it could. "Run," cried Allen. They ran as fast as they can, dodged tree branch after tree branch. The Tyrannosaur caught up to the slowest one which was number 2. grabbed him with his jaws and ate him, literally swallowed him whole. The Tyrannosaur went after them again, but luck just gave in, they ran into a heard of parasaursolophus, a load of them, the tyrannosaur backed from them, and went after the parasaurs. They still kept running, till they reached a facility. "phew, I think we lost it." cried Ellie. "We are staying here for the night," said Allen. "Wait where is Henry?" cried pilot number 1. "Who?" Said Allen. " My brother(crying) where is he?" said pilot number 1. Ellie said, "He didn't make it, he got eaten by the Tyrannosaur." The pilot number one's first name is Jack, he didn't know what to do when his brother died from the monster, he just knew one thing, and one thing only, to survive, and get off this Island of disaster. He was thinking of his brother, his good times he had with him. Just then Allen said," I am sorry for your lose, what is your name?" "Its Jack,"Jack said. "Well Jack, the only thing to do is to look for a phone or something?" Allen Said. Then Ellie started crying, Allen said,"whats wrong? Our wedding its ruined, we should of went with our families!" "I know, we have the plane to blame for it!" said Allen. "No! its not the plane, its the person who was driving the plane's fault!" "My fault, My fault! You don't know what it is like to fly a plane and all of a sudden something goes wrong, you can't blame someone who didn't do it!" Said Jack. Allen said, "now calm down fighting isn't important right now, we need to find away off this god forsaken rock!" Jack said," yeah listen to your fiance, we need to save up on our energy for them damn beasts!" Ellie said," Alright, but I don't trust you." Jack whispered, "bitch." Later that night, Allen had a dream, he had a dream about velociraptors ambushed them, the raptors killed both the pilot and Ellie. The Allen said, "No!!! and woke up! and saw that Ellie and Jack were still sound asleep. He looked at the sky and figured it was about 7:00 a.m in the morning! He sat there in the old cafeteria, and thought about everything, the dates with Ellie, when he was a kid, and even what it would be like in the future with Ellie and him married. An hour later everyone woke up. Then all of a sudden a cry so familiar from the background, something he hasn't heard in three years, a velociraptor!

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    divisionten Moderator

    bloodkiller- I'm not a good writer, but one thing that may help immensely is this:

    Whenever someone speaks, it is literary convention to start an new paragraph for him or her.

    "All right" is two separate words.

    Lastly, watch you conjugations. Is this taking place in the past, present, or future? Make sure all your verbs match this fact.

  • @divisionten said: bloodkiller- I'm not a good writer, but one thing that may help immensely is this:


    "All right" is two separate words.


    well it takes place in the future, thanks i needed someone too proof read it for me, but as for exo, he didnt! just need people too proof read it for me so i can change the writing around, and I may need character info, and chapters, ive tried indenting paragraphs, but it wont let me!

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    My problem is not with the grammar or conjugations, although there could be improvements there. I just don't find the story to be all that good.

    You are obviously a big fan and really enjoy the universe, so I applaud you for coming up with original material.

    Unfortunately, when you post your work and ask for criticism, it wont always be positive. The foreshadowing on the plane crash is way too heavy handed, the dialogue can be a bit repetitive at times, and I found he story to be predictable - at times entire scenes feeling like a direct re-enactment from the first movie.

    I hope that criticsm helps in some way, but if not you can just ignore me.

  • OMG this is hilarious!!! It reads like a parody, someone should make a fan-film out of this XD.

    And also the writing itself adds a lot of the lulz. First its told through a third person perspective (he), and then suddenly Allen (NOT Alan of course) narrates himself and talks and behaves like a 16-year old teenager falling in love. Not to forget Ellie worring more about her wedding than about her frikkin life, although thats probably authentic for an unmarried woman of her age XD

    How old are you? Have you even read a book before?

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    lol... I was curious about his age as well.... =)

  • The better place to post these things are on Fan Fiction sites.

    Unless that writing has been edited and written to a final stage and is significant enough to be shown.

    Unfortunately this is not at that level, but I applaud your motivation to write about your passions.

  • Lmfao this forum is full of dickbags, so what if he is young? I'm writing a novel and I'm young as well. It's just for the fun of writing, give him correct criticism. Not "lolur12fgt"

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    hint. novel = more then 3 paragraphs.

  • Hey, amigo. Nice try your novel.

    If I may tell you some tips. First, you're writing to the JP fans, I suppose. Well, you should avoid mistakes like the character names. Mainly the most important ones. Alan Grant is the correct name. Not Allen Grant.

    Did you read the original novels written by Michael Crichton?

    ESSENTIAL if you want to understand the JP World, even if you are going to write only about the Film Cannon.

    The rest is fine. Fine job. Try it some more, kid. I want to read. And post it at JP There you should prosper. ;)

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