Holiday season means 'tis the season to be tidy, says Flint Journal humor columnist David Smith

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on December 09, 2008 at 2:09 PM, updated December 09, 2008 at 2:10 PM

Let me begin by issuing this disclaimer: My wife has the highest standards of cleanliness and order. In spite of that, it's obvious that in some other standards, she is not so stringent since -- in spite of being repeatedly warned -- she married me.

This might occasionally cause a crack in the other standards to which she aspires.

No matter what holiday any of us celebrates in the weeks to come, we all have one thing in common: Our houses will never be ready for company.

Our house is clean, but not like you want to eat off the floor -- not that you could, because if there were anything worth eating off the floor, the dog will beat you to it.

Since we celebrate Christmas, people will be visiting us, possibly exchanging gifts of approximate equal value. They will possibly stay long enough to notice whether our house is cleaner than theirs. If they are creative, they will work this into their Christmas letter.

So at this time of year, we devote some serious time to thinking about cleaning our house, if not actually cleaning it. There are different levels of holiday visits. There are some people who do not venture past the front door, though I'm not sure process servers count as a holiday visit. For these kinds of visits, we don't even take the folded laundry off the couch.

There is a certain time/quality balance. When time is in short supply, usually quality will be, too. So on some days, our definition of "clean" may be less stringent. Put together enough of those days in a row, and you will get a sense of my philosophy on the subject.

Holiday cleaning occurs on a few different levels, depending on the type of holiday visitors you are expecting. There is the Scorched Earth method, usually reserved for parties planned weeks in advance. Everything is scoured, pressed, sanitized, bleached, waxed or vacuumed, unless it's possible to replace it altogether with something newer and more expensive. Sinks are scrubbed, doorknobs are dusted, finials are flossed. The kids are sent away so they do not soil the house by affiliation.

When unexpected company is coming, there is the Swoop and Stash method. This is the action to which I am most accustomed. If I have a cleaning philosophy, this might be it.

The Swoop and Stash method of cleaning the house is a find/lose process. First, you find things you forgot you lost as you scoop up the detritus threatening your neat environment. Then you shove them into a closet and never again remember where they went.

Here's what it looks like before you get to our house: The boots are at the back door, underneath the kids' coats, secured to the floor by the weight of their backpacks. Books and newspapers are distributed evenly throughout so that you don't notice the floor needs mopping.

The towels with Santa on them were used to wipe the dog's feet. There are pumpkins on the front porch.

Here is my holiday promise for you: I will keep my house just slightly messier than your house. That way, when you visit, you will feel at ease. You probably won't even notice that the gift of approximate equal value that I am giving you looks exactly like the mini-manicure set you gave me last year.
