

I still 'hate' the OW

(31 Posts)
Beebers Mon 06-May-13 08:42:32

Is that unreasonable? It's been over two and a half tears and the thought of her still makes my blood boil.

She appears to be perfectly pleasant to the DC's, the ex is clearly very happy. But I'm still alone and I can't help thinking that this woman has stolen my life.

I need to move past this as its eating me up, but every time I see her (and I try not too), she gives me this smug look and I just feel like attacking her.

Please help!

springykitsch Tue 07-May-13 22:21:04

I suppose I'm a great believer that you have to get the anger out before you can move on. 'moving on' prematurely actually holds you back iyswim (imo). The time will come, when the intense anger at the injustice of it all is satisfied, that you will channel your anger towards making a future for yourself. Until that time comes, it doesn't come (iyswim) - part of the healing to go through it, not around it. You can nudge it along though eg invest in yourself, really think about what you want to do and where you want to go; even if it's only want you want to do this month for example. Perhaps a bit of counselling to help you focus?

She didn't steal your future, she did you a favour - and she got the booby prize. You probably don't see it like that now, but I have no doubt you will.

Go easy on yourself and let yourself be angry. YOu have every right and imo it's the healthy response.

BerylStreep Tue 07-May-13 17:03:02

I can understand you being so angry. To quote Diana, there were 3 people in your marriage, yet only 2 of them got to make the decisions regarding the future. You didn't get a say.

Good advice here.

springykitsch Tue 07-May-13 16:47:39

Yes it is feela fucking horrible. I agree.

I don't get how anyone can actually think to be 'happy' when their relationship is built on intense pain and agony for someone else. Just don't get it.

Selfish, innit.

Beebers Tue 07-May-13 16:44:44

I know not every ow is a bitch cat from hell and not every man is a wanker but why do two people think to destroy someone's life is acceptable? It's not, surely it's a matter of morals and conscience whether actually you feel ok about sleeping with another person when you have dc's at home and how as a woman you can do that to another woman? Anyway I guess I'll never know as i wouldnt do that all I know is it feela fucking horrible.

springykitsch Tue 07-May-13 16:44:22

btw, I would call it 'you reap what you sow'. I absolutely believe in this now. I didn't, but I do now <nods knowingly>

springykitsch Tue 07-May-13 16:42:06

ah, a bit of common sense ie people agree that of course you'll hate her.

There are people in my life I could hate because of what they've done (or what they've stolen, to be more precise). sometimes that hate comes over me and I am incapacitated by it. I don't go looking for it but something will trigger it. I wonder if it is hate or intense anger. I don't want to hate those people (taking poison and waiting for them to die) but I am totally justified in being intensely angry.

Perhaps find a way to express your anger safely? I went on a therapy course once where we bashed the shit out of cushions with a baseball bat. Felt silly at first but, oh my, so therapeutic. Could get all that anger out. Maybe have a go at this, or kick-boxing?

What they've done is grossly unfair and it just seems so wrong that they swan off and you're left with what looks like the bum deal. Don't be so sure. As others have said, he was cheating on her right at the start. He's not such a great catch.

differentnameforthis Tue 07-May-13 10:12:05

We were still sleeping together when we split up when she and him were an item

Don't hate her. Pity her. Fresh into her new relationship, he cheated on her. Proving he will always do what HE wants, when HE wants.

I would pity anyone who had that man at home.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 09:22:33

I agree with you FrauMoose the post is to do with (involuntary) singleness, and of course not every OW who becomes a step-mother is a wagon who got herself a brand new family at the expense of the ex, nor is every H who cheats a total moral scumbag.

Good luck OP.

FrauMoose Tue 07-May-13 08:41:54

Personally I don't think it's necessary to say a) the ex husband is automatically a bad human being b) the new woman is also a bad human being and c) it will all end unhappily ever after.

I think the post is about how to learn to love and trust again, and how to deal with singleness.

Some people in this situation seek help from a counsellor. Other people find that new hobbies and activities are part of the way forward. A lot of people attempt to meet new people online.

Good luck!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 07-May-13 08:41:00

She will have the knowledge that he can just cheat, up and go so she won't be too smug.

Beebers Tue 07-May-13 08:38:34

I am always VERY nice and friendly. And as you say, then drive around the corner and yell my head off. I make sure I am amicable to the both of them all the time.

siezethenight Tue 07-May-13 08:25:43

Hi Beebers,
Of course you are going to be struggling with this woman. It may have been your husbands responsibility not to hurt you but she is the reason he hurt you. If that were that, if she were gone, then you'd be so far down the line today in getting over it. But she's still around. And what is more, she is around your children. That does not allow you the space you need to come to terms completely and move on. Its understandable, your children are possibly the greatest love of your life and she has access to them. You are handing over the people that you love more than anything or anyone to a person who has hurt you more than anyone or anything.

I would pay no mind to her look of smugness as and when you see her - that is going to be short lived for her. Life has a funny way of not allowing a person to be happy on the back of another's misery.

If I were you I would practice being helpful, happy and lovely to her when you saw her - no matter how much this is going to make your insides cringe and your head scream in pain. Because ladies like this, they do not know how to respond to that sort of behaviour. They are expecting conflict, bitterness and you to be very off with them - after all, look what she did to you?
I would never allow the other woman to see one moment of angst cross my chops. Even if it means I returned to my car after drop off of children, drove around the corner, pulled up and sobbed. They, she, is not worth it.
There will be no compassion in her for you. She's probably telling herself she is Kathy to his Heath and that justifies her behaviour - that's a long, long way to fall when she falls.

In the mean time, you have to pull up your boot straps and begin to live again, however small the steps are at first. Its like anything else in life that seems insurmountable. Take small steps, do one thing at a time, do not expect great things of yourself all at once. You think you can't do it but you can do it. If you are struggling with the children on your own, think up a plan, a routine that might better help you and them and also - don't be thinking that outside your life, others lives are great, others are managing, others seem happier than you - because they are not. There is trouble and strife in every life. People just hide it well.
Keep smiling smile

Beebers Tue 07-May-13 07:42:43

Yes please and thanks for all your kind messages. It's a bitter pill to swallow watching someone else swan around with your children and he has no idea what it feels like as I'm still alone. It's so bloody painful. I can't live my life thinking that one day he will do it to her as that's not going to get me far. I'm struggling a lot at home by myself with the children and it feels like gets the best bits of it all.

That course sounds good, so yes please if you could pm me.

Scarletohello Mon 06-May-13 22:45:49

If you are interested I can pm you and send you a link about a very powerful and healing course that deals with things such as resentment which you may find useful and would give you tools to help you let go, move on, rebuild your life and find peace and happiness for yourself. Don't want to mention it here as don't want to appear to be advertising. I did the course 16 years ago and it changed my life. Problem with resentment is that it costs you so much. Heard it once described as, taking poison and waiting for the other person to die...

EllaFitzgerald Mon 06-May-13 22:45:29

I'd hate her too in your position. Completely understandable.

But she'll never trust him, not completely. And I'm sure she has a lovely time with your DH, but she'll never have that closeness that you have with them. What looks like a smug smile is more likely to be bravado.

Get your revenge. Have some counselling to get yourself feeling a bit stronger, then concentrate on you, and deciding what you want from your life. And in a couple of years time, when he'll probably be cheating on her with someone else, you'll be strong, happy and probably with some lovely man who loves the bones of you. And then look at her with a smug smile

GreenEyedGirlxxx Mon 06-May-13 22:32:14

Thanks for posting this thread. I'm in the same position - just over a year on from being left for OW and I hate her. And I feel angry that she gets to spend time with my amazing 2 year old DS and they all play happy families together, while I'm on my own and none of it was my choice - and they are rewarded for their shitty behaviour. I do wonder if this sense of unfairness and frustration will ever go away or if I will just learn to deal with it. Anyway, just to say everyone else's posts have been great and I feel better (for tonight anyway!)

jynier Mon 06-May-13 22:27:07

Beebers - So very, very sorry that you are going through this awful experience! Don't have any words of wisdom (am in exactly the same position!) but sending very best wishes to you!

AuntieStella Mon 06-May-13 21:14:30

I think it's ok to loathe those who have acted reprehensibly.

And although the greater fault is down to XH, yes she had a role and you can blame her for her actions.

You don't ever have to like or forgive either of them. But you do need to accept that it has happened, else it will eat you up. And with acceptance, you will come freedom for yourself, and that is important. You need to rebuild your life. The affair might have scuppered your life then, and rebuilding is hard. But it is the way forward. Your new life has a whole new set of opportunities. Find them.

JustinBsMum Mon 06-May-13 21:06:18

She appears to be perfectly pleasant to the DC's
Well, why shouldn't she you have probably produced delightful children.

the ex is clearly very happy
Hmmm, well he won't look miserable and regretful when you are around that's for sure.

she gives me this smug look
It could be smug, it could be petrified, it could be a fake smile.

Do many families float along blissfully, most have good days and bad ime. You are judging by what you think you see.

Could you go for some counselling, not because there is anything wrong with you, but to be able to speak honestly about your feelings would be very cathartic imv. I plan to do this myself shortly so am not speaking from experience but feel getting stuff off your chest must be beneficial and would aid in helping you to work out where you are heading in the future.

IDoTakeTwo Mon 06-May-13 18:00:37

Well of course you hate her! I hate her on your behalf. Yes, she hijacked your presumably previously happy married life.

As for your git of an ex, he is deserving of hatred too! I hope they both have very unpleasant skin conditions that mean they are uncomfortable and itchy and ugly for the rest of their lives. I hope she never rests easy, knowing she is with a cheat. I hope she cheats on him and he has a taste of it.

However, there is sod all you can do about any of that - except possibly feel smug when and if it goes pear shaped (so long as it does not upset your dc).

All you can do, is focus on what will actually make you happy in your life.

I think there are many aspects to a persons life that all need to be on balance to feel happy. How are these things with you? Is your job or career good and interesting? Do you have a pleasing social life? Are you fit and well? Do you feel good about yourself, including your appearance? Do you have rewarding relationships with friends and family? Do you date much? Would you like to?

I think it is Chinese philosophy (though could be wrong) that you need something to love, something to work for and something to hope for to be happy.

Could you focus on one or more of these aspects?

I also hope revenue and customs need to inspect every aspect of their lives very soon.

Rulesgirl Mon 06-May-13 12:34:00

There is no such thing as Karma....... O but there is! Just because you don't believe in it , doesn't mean it's not true grin

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 06-May-13 11:02:33

The only way you move past it is to to reclaim that life you currently think someone else 'stole'. Only you make it a better, happier, more fulfilled life than the miserable, limited one you shared with a cheating husband. Once you're happy in your own progress you won't feel the need to keep looking over your shoulder at theirs.

There is no such thing as Karma.... you just have to do the best with the hand you're dealt.

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 06-May-13 09:49:09

I know it feels like that, but being the swan serene on the surface and frantically paddling beneath is the illusion to give. Do you get out and do anything for you? I found that joining a choir which I had wanted to do for a while was a turning point for me.

Beebers Mon 06-May-13 09:41:36

It just feels like life has been a struggle for the last few years and the two if them are sauntering around living the good life. God I hate whinging just feels crap!

Lonecatwithkitten Mon 06-May-13 09:04:27

She 'won' the prize of a lying, cheating, selfish man.
I 'won' making a new life for myself and DD. I do what we want to do, I joined a choir and to be frank it's a better life. There is no new man in my life as I just haven't gone looking. I am told that me being dignified and making a new life makes her really angry.
I would suggest that this is the best revenge you can have.

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