Tim Grobaty: Woman plumbs depths of LBCC toilet issue

A POT BOILER: "City desk!" we barked into the phone. We barked because we don't like answering the phone. It's always somebody with a beef.

It was a lady, sounded rather elderly. It's bad. Old ladies who call always have a beef.

"Do you want to hear a story that's kind of funny but has serious undertones?" she asked.

"Sure," we lied.

God is good: The lady got to the point right away. "Last year, I became disgusted with the toilets in the English Building at Long Beach City College," she said.

We know those bathrooms. The men's room, anyway. They're right across the hall from the Viking newspaper office. We don't remember being disgusted with the men's room, but who knows what goes on in the women's room? They go through paper products in there like a Clydesdale goes through apples and hay.

"There are three toilets in there and they're just one foot high," she said. "They're kindergarten size. They're not meant for normal-size people. I'm 87 years old and I'm a big person. I'm 5 foot 5<MD+,%30,%55,%70>1/<MD-,%0,%55,%70>2 and I have trouble with them.

"If a woman miscalculated, thinking the toilet is 16 inches high and it turns out to just be 12 inches, she could be hurt," she said.

We wanted to get off the phone. What you do, is you start to say something and midway through your sentence you yank the cord out of the wall. Then you go get some coffee, maybe smoke a cigarette, so when the person calls back, you're gone and she becomes someone else's problem.

"So," continues the lady, "I wrote a check for $3,670 to have the three toilets raised."

We're listening. We asked for her name.

"Audrey J. Burge," she said. "I write poetry and novels, and I take a novel-writing class at Long Beach City.

"So," we said, looking for the happy ending. "Did the toilets get raised? Everything OK?"

No, as it turns out, it's not OK.

"They're still 12 inches high. They have new seats, and there's new plumbing in the back, but it's still dangerous for a normal-size person. They did an article about my donation in the Viking. They congratulated me by name and wrote how pleased they are that it's changed. But it hasn't changed. I am not a happy camper. The article talks about me being a lovely lady. I'm 87. I've written a novel. I have been honored as Senior of the Year by the city of Signal Hill, where I live. But the word `lovely' isn't the term that comes to mind."

Burge is a woman, and she is scorned. Rx for disaster.

"They took my money, and they didn't fix the problem. They conned me. Don't mess with an 87-year-old lady," she growled.

We scowled at our coffee cup. The coffee had gotten cold. A sign that things were taking too long. Deadline loomed. We asked if she wanted her money back, or what?

"I don't want my money back, I want the toilets fixed," she said. "I'm not a wealthy person, but I thought, what should I do for the universe? I wanted something to give to City College that said, `Thank you for what I've learned in the Poetry Room and in the novel-writing workshop.' I wanted something I could give directly to the people. I don't want publicity. I don't want a plaque in the bathroom."

We hung up and splashed some Scotch that's old enough to vote into our cold coffee to heat it up. Damn phone call was turning into an all-day project.

We called Tim Wootton, LBCC's director of facilities. We told him the whole story, from Burge's viewpoint. The key points, anyway: The part about her writing a check for $3,670 to get toilets raised and how they haven't been raised.

"Oh, really?" said Wootton. "There's a lot more to it than that."

We began chewing 600 milligrams of ibuprofen.

"I've been in contact with (Burge), and I told her what's been going on. I think a lot of mistakes were made in translation," he said.

He explained a bit about how toilets work at LBCC. "Not to get into too much detail." That was fine. He lost us at "Sloan valve."

The toilets in the English Building now, said Wootton, are "original, 1930s-era 12-inch-high toilets."

We did some rapid math: Burge would've been kindergarten age in 1930.

The Americans with Disabilities Act calls for toilets to be 17-19 inches.

"We'll be raising the ones in the English Building in the next couple of months. Funding has been approved, contracts and purchase orders should go through soon. We probably will have it done around the middle of May."

Thanks to Audrey Burge?

"Well, we're going to use the funds she donated, but there was a mix-up or some confusion in what she wanted done. To have these kinds of toilets lifted," said Wootton, "is about an $18,000 job."

Our jaw dropped. Literally. We slammed it back on its hinge. "Really?"

"Well, $15,000 to $18,000." It entails a lot of work, he told us. Not like replacing, say, the toilet in our house.

"Well, at least she helped pay for it," we said.

"Yes, we're very appreciative," said Wootton. "I'm just sorry she feels the way she does. I thought things were going OK. Just a miscommunication, I guess."

We asked him if the college was going to do something. Whatever it is you do to show your appreciation for three new and higher toilets.

"Oh, yeah. We're going to do something," he said. "We'll probably put up a plaque."
