Check Out RW Daily's Completely Above-Board Olympic Merchandise

July 31, 2012

Hey, did you notice that the Olympics have started?

It's OK if you didn't. They've been pretty low key. Not a lot of fuss or coverage or anything. Just teams of athletes from around the globe, coming together in London to celebrate the spirit of the Olympics, i.e., sportsmanship, athletic excellence, human potential, peace and good will.

Ha ha ha! I'm joking, of course.

The Olympics, this year maybe more than ever, are all about fuss. The opening ceremony alone cost $18.3 trillion! It included 1,200 African elephants, a 34-story working ice sculpture of Big Ben, enough fireworks to destroy New Zealand, 428 miles of bunting, an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Earl Gray tea, 6,000 roses "fired" into the crowd by a helicopter gunship piloted by an actor portraying Winston Churchill, a dozen actual English pubs dropped into the Olympic stadium by parachute, and the world's largest scone, out of which burst a double-decker bus filled with clotted cream! Plus another 325 elephants!

Scientists monitoring it from a bunker a half-mile away said later that the scene radiated levels of Hyperbolic Spectacle that approached nine times the level deemed safe for humans! OMG IT WAS AWESOME AND TOTALLY WORTH THE MONEY AND GOOD LUCK TOPPING THAT ONE, RIO DE JANEIRO!

All right, I'm making that up. But it was over the top, don't you think?

I blame corporate money, which may be an easy target, but hey, what are you gonna do. I mean, corporations have poured stadiumfuls of cash into sponsoring the Games, including barging around social media (and forbidding mentions of non-Olympic sponsors by athletes on Facebook and Twitter); slapping their logos all over the place; and grafting images of athletes onto things like credit card ads and laundry detergent.

The thing that galls me most about all this money, the very worst part of all, is that I'm not getting a taste.

Which is unacceptable. I don't measure success by "medal count." I measure success by "dollars earned from chintzy merchandise."

Here's the thing, though: If you want to cash in on the Olympics, and you aren't an official sponsor, you have to tread very, very carefully, as a recent article in The New York Times noted:

The rules can be awfully specific. Marketers could be in jeopardy if they use two of the next four words: “Games,” “two thousand and twelve,” “2012” and “twenty-twelve.” [Mark: Well, there goes my plan for a line of "2012 Twenty-Twelve" shirts and bumper stickers.] And using any one of those words in tandem with “London,” “medals,” “sponsors,” “summer,” “gold,” “silver” and “bronze” is a no-no.

Because I am a master at bending rules without breaking them, I am pleased to present RW Daily's official line of 20I2 Faux-lympic merch...

Race Face "Interlocking Ovals" Tee, $19.95
Not rings! Ovals. Interlocking ovals.


London MMXII Mug, $11.95
I have no idea what MMXII means. I just like the way it looks.


"Longam Dones" Oven Mitts, $19.95
I believe "Longam Dones" is an old Gaelic phrase meaning, Cease and desist. Get 'em while they're hot!

Union Jack Mouse Pad, $14.95
With five convenient ovals where you can park your mouse.

If none of those items interest you, stay tuned for RW Daily's line of "London 2112" products... featuring Rush!