I'm a thirtysomething single woman with a very high sex drive. I find it hard to resist sleeping with the men I date but often feel cheap afterwards. What should I do?

The dilemma I'm a single woman in my late 30s and am struggling to deal with a very high sex drive. I would like to meet a man to settle down and have kids with, but have not met the right person. I've been dating for a while, and even when I am not completely attracted to a man, I find it hard to resist sleeping with him. While none has treated me badly, I often feel degraded later and it eats away at my self-esteem. At the time, though, I think "Why not?" and feel more satisfied than if I masturbate. I know many women wish they could increase their libido, but mine is driving me crazy and shows no sign of slowing down with age. How do I learn to hold back?

Mariella replies Have you ever tried? Though what would your motive be? After all, if the alternative to having sex with your dinner date is going home to your own bed alone, what's the point? I'm sure your companions aren't complaining. Truth be told, it's every man's dream to find a woman who considers sex about as intimate as any other contact sport and faced with the choice prefers to say yes. Wasn't that one of the sexiest aspects of the now unmasked ex call-girl Belle De Jour, who chronicled her sexual exploits in a series of bestsellers? What guys loved about her was the possibility that a woman would choose selling sex as the easiest way of subsidising an academic career rather than as a last stab at avoiding penury.

You describe intimacy with near-strangers like a runner would a jog, a way to let off steam and achieving the highest degree of satisfaction. Catering to your desire has clearly been a priority for you, and like the aforementioned Belle De Jour, Dr Brooke Magnanti, you also don't seem to think that making that choice should have any impact on the rest of your lifestyle. So how do you explain the feelings of degradation and diminished self-esteem after your desire has been sated? If it's just sex, why should it be attacking your emotional core? You sound like any other addict: deflated, disappointed and eager to change when you return to earth after the high of your hit. So how about giving abstinence a try? Not joining a religious order, but just showing a little self-restraint. I don't mean to come across as a prude, but I do believe that if we don't value the parts of ourselves we share with others we're not valuing ourselves properly. Whether it's deeply intimate thoughts or the way we look at moments of abandon, some things lose their value when they're overexposed.

What inspires your exaggerated appetite for physical contact? It's something worth asking yourself. Even though sex is an instinctive way of communing with another human, it also seems hard wired to our capacity for romantic love – a connection still baffling evolutionists and agony aunts! You wouldn't rush to share intimate secrets with a near-stranger, so why leap to share physical intimacies with someone who hasn't earned your trust?

It's hard to know where to stand on the issue of sexual intimacy – you just have to take an instinctive position. Mine has always been that it's something special best shared with someone for whom you have feelings, though of course there have been exceptions! Sex is easy to come by – it just depends how little you expect in return. You're selling yourself cheap if you're offering up such personal intimacies with no strings attached. While you're busy hunting down physical satisfaction, the sort of long-term relationship you aspire to won't have much space to flourish. Maybe I'm old fashioned when it comes to sex, but years of indoctrination conditioned me to reserve it for special occasions, and I'm glad I did.

If you think you have a serious "condition" there are professionals in the field to whom you can turn for help. I've always been wary of the "sex addict" tag. Those happy to embrace it have seemed preoccupied with doing whatever they pleased, considering themselves above consequences. Tiger Woods is fast-earning number-one status on that list. I'm not convinced that a little willpower and shift in your priorities is not all that's required. If you want something substantial in your life, wait for a decent main course to come along – stop snacking on the hors d'oeuvres. I've no doubt they're delicious, but they'll distract you from something more fulfilling.

What would you say to a friend with a similar lack of willpower? Say she was already unhealthily overweight and all she wanted to do was eat chips with mayonnaise. Would you say: "Go right ahead, knock yourself out" or would you advise a little restraint? I suspect you'd opt for the latter. Sex that's only about the orgasm is overrated, but you'll only discover that if you stop chasing the thrill. Don't kid yourself that other women lack libido – many just find that as life goes on, chasing your own pleasure becomes an increasingly empty experience. I suspect you're on the cusp of a similar realisation.★
