Defamer Employment: Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Being A Personal Assistant, But Were Afraid To Ask

While Defamer is committed to connecting its readers with opportunities to obtain gainful, career-jumpstarting employment in the entertainment industry, recent items we've passed along might have given job hunters the tragically mistaken impression that assistant gigs are glamorous affairs entailing little more than helping one's famous boss chase tail on the set of a big-budget movie production. Luckily, this Craigslist post seeking some help for a busy TV producer reminds us at length (the poster seems terrified of receiving time-wasting resumes from those constitutionally unsuited for the position) that the fast-paced personal-assisting field is a demanding one that chews up the lazy, dumb, and weak. Excerpts from the ad, including a detailed FAQ letting one know what is expected of pretty much any assistant in this town (minus explicit mentions of occasional beatings), follow:

This is a tough job. The pay is between $600 and $900 per week, depending on level of experience. If you're looking for an easy, relaxing, cushy job, please stop reading now and move on to the next ad. Seriously.

The best person for this job is someone who's very responsible and highly organized. If you're not responsible, or if you're not highly organized, please stop reading this ad and move on. [...]

ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE: Q: Will I like working for this guy? A: That depends. People who are smart and work hard LOVE working for him. People who are lazy and make silly mistakes HATE working for him.

Q: Will I be working with nice people?
A: Yes. The people who work on our productions are fun and nice. It's a very positive environment, largely because this producer is very careful about hiring only excellent, nice people.

Q: Is this boss a yeller? Will he ever shout at me?
A: No. He doesn't yell. He's never abusive or mean. But if you do dumb things, or are lazy, you won't have a good time. [...]

Q: Will I have to do a lot of driving?
A: Yes. Tons of driving. If you don't like driving in L.A. traffic, this job isn't for you.

Q: Will I have to do lots of personal errands for my boss?
A. Yes. Absolutely. For sure. Lots of personal errands. [...]

Q: Do I get health benefits?
A. No.

Q: Could I expect to make more money in the future?
A: Sure. If you do really great work you'll get nice raises. If you screw up a lot, you won't. [...]

Q: You seem to be trying to make this job sound unappealing. Why?
A: We're making this job sound very tough because it is. You'll have a lot of things to do each day. Some tasks are mundane and easy. Some are new and challenging. If you're lazy, or weak, or a person who gets easily flustered or stressed, you won't last a month in this job. To handle it, you need to be smart, hard-working, and resourceful.

The rest of the ad is here, but we suspect you've already been scared off by the terrifying, passive-aggressive realities of assistant work ("Hey, Jenny, did you remind the Starbucks guy that I like exactly one extra squirt of caramel in my macchiato? You did? [beat] Well, would you mind double-checking next time that he didn't forget it? Super. I've already put a Post-It note on your monitor so tomorrow you'll remember to keep an eye on Mr. Screw-Up. That guy is so lazy! [sing-songy] Thank you.") to pursue this opportunity further.