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Questioning My 10 Year Marriage


My husband and I have two weeks holidays with only three days left until we both return to 'our life' as I like to call it. Having so much time together really scared me because we get to see a lot of the negative issues present in our marriage. For one, we have nothing much in common, we have different interests, personalities, etc.   I am an introvert, his an extrovert, I like the quite family life while he likes to go out on the town, I am responsible, he is not, I am a day person, he's a night owl, I don't use drugs smoke or drink alcohol while he does all of the above, I hate fashion and brands while he loves them, I like to keep fit while he loves to laze around.   Our biggest issue is different beliefs. I believe that married man should not have close female friends because it's like playing with fire as people who connect emotionally can accidently fall in love and use the excuse of "she's only my friend" to spend time together which can lead to 'accidental sex' or a full on affair. I should know because this happened to me once. I fell in love with one of my husbands friends. He was not my friend but he used to come over to our house all the time. I never told anyone about this, never flirted with the guy or acted on my feelings but I knew that i was madly in love with him. My husband and him stopped being friends (nothing to do with me) and so he stopped coming over. I was pretty strong so I never acted on any of my feelings.   The problem I have now is that for years I have been telling my husband how much I hate it when he flirts with his female friends (he says is innocent) via sms, makes himself  a listener of their troubled relationships, worries more about their feelings and problems than me, gets emotionally closer to them, tries to 'save' or 'rescue' them when they have problems, and sometimes is alone with them in social situations. My argument is that he gets emotionally involved with girls that are just supposed to be his friends and I know that these girls have more in common with him than I do, are usually good looking, younger and he could fall in love with any of them. I know because I fell in love with his friend who wasn't even my friend without even trying, just because we ended up spending alot of time together.   I am afraid for the future of our relationship. I know what my values are, he's stand is that he has the right to be friends with girls and that they can hang out in groups with other guys and himself, that he can flirt for fun but that he won't be tempted to have sex with them, that he loves me so much and that he doesn't believe he can fall in love with anyone else. BULLSHIT!!!! i AM A REALIST!!!   It is predictable that when someone spends time with someone else who has alot in common with them and on top of that is good looking, that sparks will fly and that this can lead to a romance, affair or 'one time only sex' if people feel gulty about it and they don't do anything again.   When it comes to this issue, married man should not befriend and hang around with friends that are girls because it's like playing with fire. He obviously disagrees with me, and i don't think we will ever agree on this issue. Meanwhile, I know that our marrriage lacks fun, interest and excellent communication (because we don't have much in common other than two kids and ten years of marriage). To be honest, i think its a miracle that we have lasted this long. The children changed everything though, they keep us apart alot. I haven't been able to go out with him on dates, to clubs, etc, like we used to when we first met.   I met him when I was around 18 yrs old and I used to be fun, outgoing, up for anything, had complete freedom to do whatever I wanted. As soon as my first son was born in 2000, at age 20-21, I was just a mother/wife. All I have felt since then, is that our marriage is getting really boring, empty and our differences are becoming clearer in my eyes. I have lost that freedom and fun in my life since becoming a parent, eight years ago. I am turning 29 in two months and I am afraid that things in my life and in my marriage will just become worse as we both get older.   I feel like I am headed for a marriage crises...another one of many....I wish I could just go back to the early years in our relationship where everything was new, exciting and we could go out together all the time. All I do now is work and stay at home with the kids while he gets to leave the life style he wants. A life in which I am not part of, since I am not a night owl, extrovert, attention seeker, fun seeker, drug user like he is and someone has to stay home to watch the kids and be the responsible parent.Please comment....especially if you have any similar experiences....or can relate...or offer suggestions to avoid impending crises....
complicatedandconfused complicatedandconfused 26-30, F 4 Responses Jul 10, 2008

Your Response


Wow u poor thing i really feel for u as i know where yr coming from and how ye feeling about sleeping with yr husband friend as i cheated once on mine he was never home interstate truck driver it got so lonely night after night i ended up having sex with my friend cousin six times till i ended it . But theres more to this i have actually descovered since iive been talking with a female on ep that my marriage was falling as well cause im actually bi i havnt been with s female but this female on ep has help me understand that this is not a want its a need from the talks weve had. Why does life have to be so complicated.

It is probably unfair for you to tell him he can't have female friends, even though you are right in that it can present a danger. But if you really don't trust him, then your marriage has some deeper problems. Any good relationship (not just romantic relationships) is built on trust, and if that is missing then it will be difficult to have a good marriage. If he is truly happy in the marriage, he won't stray, even with the opportunity.

excellent advice from the previous poster. I'm not really in a good position to comment so I'm not sure why I'm trying to. I guess it's because I know what it's like to have a lonely story out there. It makes it seem that there is no hope as others who read it don't think they can help. So here goes. You need to negotiate with your hubby equal time out and equal parenting duties. I started by telling my hubby to be home every Tues/Thurs at 6:00 and to expect to watch the kids those nights and put them to sleep. I would leave when he arrived and not come home until I knew the children were asleep. This way, he had to learn how to parent too. If I am in the house, he will refer to me to handle the situations that arise because he's too tired. I can't say it really helped, but he definitely shares a more equal role now so I can develop a life of my own. Good luck!

You are already in a marriage crisis. One of many. I agree with you about all of your points except one. You are responsible for your level of fun or activity in your life. Whether you salvage your marriage or not you will still have the same fundamental dilemma. Go get your hair done, buy a few out fits (as in three mix and match sets) and plan 10 things you will do over the next month. <br />
1 as husband and wife - get him to agree to something as simple as dinner or a movie. Even a walk.<br />
2 as a family - all four of you together. Simple things like a walk to the nearest toy store to see who can find the coolest toy under 5.00<br />
2 with just you and your kids - a park, a walk, a trip to blockbuster for a used movie of their choice, pop-corn and a sleep over in the living room.<br />
5 alone - tea at a nice parlor, a visit to a friend you have not seen for awhile, a free make over at a mall...<br />
put money for sitters aside, get on your new clothers for every outing and build your life.<br />
Do this to varying degrees EVERY MONTH until you are so used to it that it is your new life.<br />
I will think about the rest.