Dear Mariella

Dear Mariella

While browsing through her father's emails, a young woman is shocked by what she's found. Should she say something? Mariella Frostrup says everyone has a right to privacy…
    • The Observer,
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The dilemma I'm all ready to go to university, but a recent revelation has left me in doubt about my parents' relationship. My dad left his email account open and I was curious – so I browsed and was pretty shocked to discover a number of contacts and registers from erotic/relationship websites, with a fake name and all. And my mum knows nothing about this, as far as I know. In the past few years she has survived cancer and lost both her parents – she does not deserve this. I can't keep quiet, but I can't let him keep doing this behind her back. Action plan?

Mariella replies Haven't you heard of Pandora's box? Some things are better left unopened and that includes other people's emails. Imagining our privacy to be protected online may be as irrational as confessing secrets to the town crier, but everyone has a right to a personal life, something our newspapers are finally discovering we feel strongly about. You certainly got more than you bargained for with that browse… or did you? So what got you so interested? Rummaging in your dad's inbox seems a rather curious thing to do.

Family secrets date back to the beginning of time. They're so ingrained a tradition that novelists base whole tomes on the slow unravelling of truths among blood relatives. Being a daughter doesn't offer you privileged access to your father's database or the secrets of your parents' relationship. Would you opportunistically rifle through your dad's post? How would you feel if you found him scrabbling around in your Facebook account looking for crimes and misdemeanours? And now you have the so-called evidence, what on earth can you constructively do with it? Grilling your parents on their sexual peccadilloes isn't your role, and policing their fidelity shouldn't feature on your "to do" list either.

Once the cat's out of the bag you can't just let it wander around and act like nothing has happened. You have a conundrum on your hands, and in some ways it couldn't have happened at a worse stage in your development. Children see the world in technicolour, teenagers in black and white. Wrong, right, good, bad and so on. One thing you'll discover as you mature is a multitude of greys.

So it looks like your father has been roaming the world wide webnet under a pseudonym and enjoying sexual adventures of the imaginative variety. For all you know your mother may be aware of your father's online adventures. Long marriages are as complicated as macramé and involve many compromises. The past few years have been challenging, and bereavement and a potential terminal illness are pretty potent passion killers. Yet your parents remain together – one day you'll realise that that is quite an achievement. They no doubt have secrets they've kept from you and I suspect you have a couple tucked away yourself.

The sense of entitlement we bestow on our kids these days may make them more resilient out in the wider world but shouldn't be confused with an invitation to dictate the rules in the relationship that created them. Family ties don't come with disclosure clauses. As children we see ourselves as absolutely central to our parents' lives, so finding out that in many of their stories we were just bit players can be a shock. Yet such rearranging of narratives is essential in order to step into adult life. The beliefs you passionately held as a teenager will eventually be watered down, re-evaluated and even radically changed.

You are in a tricky situation. Your mother's illness has prematurely exposed you to the vulnerability of life and doubtless made you extremely protective of her. I can understand why you might see your father's behaviour as an act of betrayal, but perhaps it's harder to imagine the toll the events of the past few years have taken on him. Sometimes the patient suffers less than those charged with their protection. Your father is not only your dad, he's also a man. I'm not sure what your relationship with him is like, apart from suspicious, but hopefully it's strong enough to withstand disclosure on both your parts. You understandably want to know how stable your foundations are and his intentions toward your mum as you head out into the world.

Conversely he has a right to privacy and maybe even a cyberworld sex life. Stop judging him and resolve to get to know him better. Admit to your intrusion and along with apologising for it tell him how uncomfortable you are about your findings. With both of you confronting difficult behaviour, the potential for increased mutual understanding is far greater. You asked for an action plan: stop presuming, start listening and leave other people's correspondence unexamined. Then step out that door and get busy with your own life.


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