Princeton Alum Tells Female Students They&#39;re Doomed Unless They Find a Princeton Prince and Get Their MRSS

The Daily Princetonian published a letter to the editor today from alumna Susan A. Patton, who wants "the daughters [she] never had" to know that they're screwed for life if they don't snag a Princeton prince by first semester freshman year.


If you're still with us and haven't thrown yourself into the nearest river, Ophelia-like, because you lack an Ivy Leaguer to make you whole, here's the backstory: Patton recently attended a Women and Leadership conference on campus featuring a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter of "Can We Have It All?" fame. But Patton isn't actually interested in such trifling matters as "leadership" — and she says female Princetonians aren't either.


So here's what you really need to know: "Here's what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there."

Ideally, his last name should be Patton. Her two sons are both Princetonians; one already married a classmate of his, although he "could have married anyone," but, lucky for Princeton ladies, her younger son is still a junior — catch him while you can! — although "the universe of women he can marry is limitless," as he is a man who aced his SATs.

Here's some more real talk that "nobody is talking about" (which is clearly not because nobody wants to perpetuate creaky, unnecessary "Mrs. Degree" fear-mongering):


Why would the Daily Princetonian publish such inanity? The main issues with this piece are obvious and barely worth pointing out (quickly: not everyone wants to get married, not everyone wants to get married to an older man, etc.), but it's an even odder choice given the paper's recent scoop on an unpublished study that found one in six female Princeton undergraduates said they experienced "non-consensual vaginal penetration" during their time at the University. Point being: one is not necessarily an eligible mate just because he got into Princeton. Patton could've saved herself a lot of time and energy by simply writing "Fuck my youngest son while you have the chance!"

[Daily Princetonian]