Badge Film Blog

Catch of the day: Hell is other cinemagoers

I'm a big fan of films on the big screen, but my memories of them are soiled by the stuff cinemas are full of - other people

A group of teenagers in the cinema
A group of teenagers take turns shouting 'bogeys' instead of enjoying the film. Photograph: Getty Images

Despite my claims to be a lover of cinema, it's time I came clean. I'm a lover of the stuff they put on the screen at the multiplex, but other than that, I'm a very reluctant moviegoer.

The fact struck me recently when I realised I'd seen four films in the space of two weeks (Cloverfield, Juno, There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men) in the environment the directors had intended. Never mind trying to work out when I last saw so many films at the movie theatre in so short a space of time - four features pretty much makes up my average annual haul.

Admittedly, nothing compares to the full, widescreen, Dolby, surround sound experience. But it's the peripheral stuff that bugs me. My memories of a film are too often punctuated by the stuff that surrounds it - in short, other people.

Name me a film, and I can vividly recall exactly who it was that bugged me at that particular screening.

There have been several Oscar-winning epics that, even when I see them again on DVD, invoke a weird Pavlov's dog reaction in me. Take Million Dollar Baby, for instance. When it was shown on TV recently, I spent the whole time flinching at the thought of the youth who had sat in front of me at the cinema, wolfing down popcorn at such an incredible rate I was mesmerised more by him than Hilary Swank's performance.

Likewise, Brokeback Mountain will forever be associated in my mind with the Childrens' TV presenters Dick and Dom, after a group of teenagers stole into our local cinema and played the Bogeys game, hiding amongst rows of tutting liberal couples and evading the pursuit of an usher who shone his torch in everyone's faces but theirs.

And it's not just the critically acclaimed titles that I find myself distracted. For me, The Phantom Menace equals an elderly couple in Los Angeles unwrapping boiled sweets with agonising care, while the Fellowship of the Ring saw me sink in my seat as my brother remonstrated with a group of kids in San Francisco I'd convinced myself were a nerdy offshoot of the Crips.

Am I alone in this? I'm thoroughly aware this reads like Grumpy Old Men have a day out at the multiplex. Maybe the problem is all in my head: of course people are going to eat popcorn and make the odd remark to their neighbour at the cinema. And yes, I do understand kids will be kids. The Brokeback Mountain experience was actually hilarious, and one of the most enjoyable movie moments I've ever had was a matinee performance of Mars Attacks! when a packed auditorium of shcoolchildren screamed with delight at Tim Burton's boggly-eyed Martians. But I'm beginning to accept the obvious conclusion: I'm not made for the modern cinema experience. I'll wait 'til it's out on DVD.

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