

Pretty convinced my DH is a gay man in denial.

(41 Posts)
Nothingthere Tue 05-Mar-13 13:04:59














Keepyourknickerson Wed 06-Mar-13 17:13:35


abbyfromoz Wed 06-Mar-13 16:48:46

Counselling... Please just bite the bullet and go.

Lavenderhoney Wed 06-Mar-13 16:43:34







Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 06-Mar-13 16:33:45




madonnawhore Wed 06-Mar-13 16:12:02

This guy sounds like a nasty piece of work.




Nothingthere Wed 06-Mar-13 15:10:03

Just to clarify, I too am catholic.

I agree. I think he just doesn't like women.

Separate bedrooms I think. Certainly to start with.

quietlysuggests Wed 06-Mar-13 13:47:11

No its not in anyway a reason.

Nothingthere Wed 06-Mar-13 09:56:14

Darkesteyes I have read and related to all of your posts.


Its made me doubt everthing about myself.








Its doing me so much good to talk about this.

I wonder if he just hates women.

Darkesteyes Tue 05-Mar-13 22:56:11


Darkesteyes Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:43


Darkesteyes Tue 05-Mar-13 22:53:10


Ginebra Tue 05-Mar-13 22:43:23


Hullygully Tue 05-Mar-13 20:36:19

What is his family like? His parents?

Hullygully Tue 05-Mar-13 20:35:31


madonnawhore Tue 05-Mar-13 20:30:37

Everything that oxfordbags said.


This man tried to rape you.



NoisesOff Tue 05-Mar-13 16:14:15


elly67jo Tue 05-Mar-13 16:02:04

Sorry, reading the original post made me instinctively think gay. As a Catholic I do think there are lots of catholic men who cannot/will not face up to their sexuality. Many of them escape in to the priesthood to avoid awkward questions and others bite the bullet and marry hoping it will "fix" itself. Of course, it doesn't.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 14:11:45

OxfordBags is quite right, of course.

sittinginthesun Tue 05-Mar-13 14:09:10

Been brought up with a Catholic background, where you are taught that sex is "wrong" can really screw up your sex life. I wonder if he feels comfortable with gay friends, because he doesn't feel any pressure?

OxfordBags Tue 05-Mar-13 14:05:35

Sorry, but if he was trying to have sex with you whilst you were alseep, then that's attempted rape. Doesn't matter that you'd asked him to make ore effort, etc. I think that is just another example of how this man is deeply, deeply sexually disturbed.

For me, that would be a dealbreaker. It should be for anyone. He clearly has no respect for you, never mind finding you repulsive (because of his own issues, not because you are, I don't thik that for a second) and the marriage sounds totally over. Most importantly, you sound like you are v strongly looking for 'permission' to leave him. Well, if it means anything, I give you permission! He tried to rape you, you should be leaving him.

I also worry for the effects your relationship with your H will have on your DS. His disgust of the female body and of anything sensual, and, as a result, his lack of respect for you as a woman, will manifest in many other ways, large or small and your DS will learn that this is how to view women, feel about them and treat them.

You can't stay because you feel sorry for him, want to be the one that heals and changes him ot because you're looking for an answer. You and your son deserve better.

Servalan Tue 05-Mar-13 14:01:19

It sounds to me like counselling could be helpful. There are relationship counsellors who specialise in sexual problems who might be able to help you both unravel what is going on.

I relate to an awful lot of what you say - years of dh not wanting to engage in any intimacy with me, any rare sex being joyless, feeling rejected, the comfort eating, the weight as a shield...

You might be right about the gay thing - but it might not necessarily be that. A couple of other thoughts that spring to mind are that he could be scared of intimacy and have lots of shame issues tied around sex. He might be a victim of some type of trauma and be having a PTSD reaction (probably not, but not impossible). He might have had his sexual technique totally panned by previous sexual partners and now feel really self conscious about that type of thing, he might be totally stressed out with work or similar and unable to emotionally engage. Or... it might be none of those things.

That's why I think it would be a good idea for a decent counsellor to try to get to the bottom of it because it is clear that he has some "issues" - and you having had your self esteem eroded over time have issues that need helping with too. You are both too close to what is going on, and amateur psychology on one another can be quite harmful - so having someone "outside" as it while exploring it in a safe space could help. You could go to Relate or there is this organisation: College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists

Good luck moving forward with it all. It really shouldn't be something you have to resign yourself too

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 13:54:24

Then you either go down the counselling route or you cut your losses... sorry. Whether he's gay and in denial or straight with some serious hang-ups, this isn't going to go away.

Nothingthere Tue 05-Mar-13 13:50:39

Cogito No it was never normal. Yes, we got married. I thought I could change it - make it better.

I was so wrong.

Nothingthere Tue 05-Mar-13 13:48:17

IThinkofHappy You are so right, I don't need to bring gay into it - do I. It makes no difference at all.

Got to go out now, then working til late tonight. But will be back to read.

Thank you for your input already, I feel better simply for getting it out of my head.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 05-Mar-13 13:46:42

There must have been a time in the past when you had a normal sex-life - when you first got together perhaps - or surely you wouldn't have progressed to marriage?

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