Ask MetaFilter questions tagged with trust Questions tagged with 'trust' at Ask MetaFilter. Fri, 27 Jun 2014 15:30:40 -0800 Fri, 27 Jun 2014 15:30:40 -0800 en-us 60 My girlfriend snooped through my phone. Now what? I found out my girlfriend snooped through my phone. I don't know how to proceed. Some context: we've been dating for approximately 8 months. She's 28. I'm a 32 y/o male.<br> <br> She opened my text messaging and mail apps while I was showering this morning. Upon seeing that those were not the most recent apps I opened before leaving my phone on the kitchen counter, I asked her about it. She denied it, saying she forgot my password — lying to my face.<br> <br> I didn't push it further at the moment because I had to leave for work. I texted her later in the day telling her I am hurt by the fact that she's lying, and I wanted to discuss this further. She apologized, and wrote she didn't want to discuss it later because she wasn't feeling well. I haven't responded. <br> <br> I feel hurt because not only does my privacy feel violated, but I feel worse regarding her lying about the snooping when asked.<br> <br> She has also been acting very insecure recently — she accused me of checking out another girl last weekend, and if I am out with friends, she's sure to text me often. It appears as if the more time passes, the more possessive she becomes.<br> <br> I think I am being naive here, and expecting that she will grow out of this behavior. I don't want to end things with her, but I am feeling more and more conflicted about this relationship, and if she can't be honest with me then will be no future. I am also feeling somewhat suffocated by this behavior.<br> <br> Does the Hivemind have advice on how to proceed?,2014:site.264285 Fri, 27 Jun 2014 15:30:40 -0800 hobodeluxe It's a bad time...but when is it ever a good time? I'm coming to realize that my partner is seriously abusing alcohol (and being cavalier about other substances) just as he's embarking on an existential crisis following a messy legal situation (finalizing a divorce that's 2+ years in the making). The relationship needs work; he needs work; hell, I might need work; but he's got a lot on his plate and I can't really pile on. I have kind of lost sight of what is reasonable here, and could use some perspective. The facts are that he drinks way too much (with a few textbook red flags--there is really no question that this is A Problem), has a history of other substance abuse, and I can't really trust him not to engage in total debauchery when he's around certain friends/in certain situations. He's almost 40 years old; I'm in my early 30s.<br> <br> Other facts are that this relationship has been 95% sunshine and rainbows and warm feelings and support and care. There is so much about him and his character that I admire, and in most ways this has been the best relationship I've experienced. We've talked a lot about the future and seem to be on the same page about all the big things we want out of life; we travel well together; our sex life is wonderful; we genuinely enjoy spending time with each others' families; everything else is really, really good. And for every scary red flag fact, there's a mitigating counterpoint: he's financially responsible, works hard, uses his talents well, takes good care of his children, has no criminal history. There is a lot of good stuff here. He says he loves me a lot--<em>a lot</em>--and emphasizes that I am very important to him. I've been in enough relationships to know that this stuff isn't easy to find, and I'm real peculiar about a lot of things that he gets really well. That's rare, and wonderful.<br> <br> I don't want to end this relationship, but I also can't spend the rest of my life with an alcoholic I don't trust.<br> <br> He has expressed very clearly that he is in a crisis state right now. He has entertained suicidal thoughts in the last couple of years, prior to meeting me, and that scares me. He has recently started on Wellbutrin (and is disappointed it's not working immediately) and is open to talk therapy, but says he doesn't have time for it right now. Ideologically, he's not on board with AA, so that is not a realistic option.<br> <br> So my questions:<br> <br> - Am I kidding myself that this relationship has any hope? Are there success stories of other couples who've overcome situations like this?<br> - Am I enabling him/being codependent by deferring to his crisis, postponing the "you've got to stop drinking now or I'm outta here" conversation? Or is it a good idea to give the situation some time and let it rest?<br> - What can I do to minimize damage, or chances of him harming himself, in the wake of an ultimatum/breakup talk?,2014:site.263784 Wed, 18 Jun 2014 09:44:22 -0800 magdalemon How do payments on property in a trust work? Father left his stuff to me in a trust. Not sure what that means, and need an answer to the most basic of questions. Over a year ago my father died and left everything he owned to my sister and me. Included was several properties he still owed on. I was of course a little out of it after his death, but in a meeting with an attorney I could swear I was told that we could continue to make payments for these properties through the trust. <br> <br> Fast forward to now: there was a problem with a payment for land he owned that is in the trust. It wasn't the correct amount and, after being cashed, I was sent a check for the amount. But it was in my fathers name (I live in his old house). <br> <br> When I explained the problem, that I can't cash the check because it was my checking account and the check was written to my deceased father, they said no problem. Just to send them a copy of the check and they would write a new one to me. However they added that I also needed to transfer the land to my name. <br> <br> I haven't written them back yet, and I don't think (obviously) they know about the trust. <br> <br> You are not my attorney and I will be talking to my attorney later this week. I'm just curious if I should be able to make land payments while keeping the land in the trust. Or, will I need to immediately put the land in my name. <br> <br> Any info on just the basics of this would be greatly appreciated.,2014:site.262863 Sun, 01 Jun 2014 19:07:06 -0800 ratherbethedevil Husband and inappropiate pictures I have discovered some questional pictures on my husband's computer. How do I approach him about them, without him getting defensive? About a year and a half ago I stumbled upon my husband's porn collection and found some (for me) disturbing images mixed in with some normal porn. It was an honest accident that I found the porn and he wasn't taking any measures to hide it. The photos I found disturbing were relatively low quality pictures of underage girls on a beach, without tops. I am sure they were not 18 (more like 13 or 14), plus the pictures looked like photos taken on the sly, by someone on the beach.<br> <br> He doesn't look at websites as far as I know, but downloads images and videos from usenet groups. From the timestamps of the downloads I know he downloaded porn pretty much every day.<br> <br> I tried to start a discussion about the porn, saying that I was concerned he was downloading so much of it, that it was affecting his life in a negative way (because he was doing it every day) and that I found some of it disturbing/inappropiate. He immediately got defensive and promply created a password for his downloading program, so that I could no longer open it and see what search terms he used. He later promised he would stop watching so much porn. I believed him and we haven't talked about it since.<br> <br> Today I needed to use his computer and I purposefully looked through his download folders, just out of curiosity. I found more pictures of underage girls. This time they looked like modeling pictures. They were done in a studio, but the girls were definitely not 18 or even 16. The girls looked like they were aspiring models and talked into taking semi-erotic images. It disgusts me that young girls are being taken advantage of like that and that my husband feels the need to support it by downloading those images. <br> <br> I don't know how to approach him about what I found. If I just bring it up, he'll get defensive and accuse me of violating his privacy and say that he can't trust me etc. How should I talk to him about what I've found?<br> <br> I don't think he is addicted to porn, because there are days where we are together all day and he doesn't watch porn on those days or when we are on vacation for weeks at a time. I don't think he does it on the weekends, just during the week when he is home and I am at work.<br> <br> I don't have any problems with normal pornography, but there has to be a line somewhere and for me that is pictures of underage girls. They weren't naked or even topless, but I still find it disturbing. Am I overreacting?,2014:site.262408 Fri, 23 May 2014 17:07:30 -0800 Anonymous How to stop thinking about my relationship? My marriage is in limbo and I need to stop giving it so much emotional energy. My spouse and i have been married for a few years. We recently started couple's counseling to address some dynamics of our relationship we both really dislike and, frankly, my significant doubts about whether my spouse is the right person for me. I do love my spouse and think they have a lot of good qualities - however there is also a lot that I do not get from them that I'm not sure I can live without. We both really like our therapist and no matter how this turns out, I think going is a very good decision.<br> <br> My problem is that I can't stop trying to decide whether or not to leave my marriage. I have had these same doubts throughout our entire marriage and most of our engagement. (I know.) Increasingly over the years I have spent more and more time trying to make up my mind. Every time I think I have come to peace with a decision I second guess myself again. Now my doubt itself has become another reason to doubt this relationship. I spend hours every day going over everything again and again. It is starting to affect my productivity and manifest physically. I want so badly to be free of these feelings. However I am by nature a very anxious and analytical person and always have to have "a plan."<br> <br> I have tried to steel myself for either possibility but I can't stand not knowing what to expect or what to do. But I need to give counseling a fair shot. I really really want to stop thinking about everything all the time and just try to focus on improving this relationship. But how, when I know there's a decent chance it won't work out?<br> <br> I should also note that my spouse really wants to work things out and will be crushed if I end up leaving, which also complicates the thought process. <br> <br> Does anyone have any tips, mantras, stories or general advice when dealing with something like this? I do plan to discuss this at our next therapy session but I could really use some help in the meantime.,2014:site.261203 Thu, 01 May 2014 08:45:49 -0800 Anonymous Is there good reason to cry over spilled beans? Throughout the entirety of my life, my immediate family has existed under a heavy shroud of secrecy. Within my current relationship, I cast it off for my boyfriend. Is this a decision I will come to deeply regret? Growing up, my mother trusted very few people. As a result, my parents didn't mingle socially with other adults, and I wasn't allowed to do much or say much about our mostly mundane home life to outsiders. I'm now an introverted adult in a long term relationship that is seen as steadily chugging along towards the altar. I tried to explain my parents' unconventional behavior towards him to him at first, but I kept stumbling into and stepping over taboos. Eventually, I start spilling the beans. Not all of the beans, but in retrospect, some *serious* beans that weren't mine to spill and have the potential to ruin my relationship with my mother if she finds out I snitched. My relationship with my S.O. is fine now, but I've fairly recently discovered that he has a bit of a strong petty streak that runs through him and... markedly different standards of acceptable behavior/boundaries than I have when angry. What do I do now? I can't unsay anything, I can only hope he forgets/fails to discern the most potentially damaging thing.<br> <br> If anyone here has been in my position, were you able to trust your partner, or do people often decide to "salt the earth" with things said in confidence... about other things presumably said in confidence in the midst of a messy breakup?,2014:site.261121 Tue, 29 Apr 2014 20:16:36 -0800 Anonymous How to get over the petty stuff to maintain a healthy relationship The relationship is great and we both see a future together, but at times I tend to focus on insignificant things or feel insecure for no rational reason. I want to prevent unnecessary conflicts arising from these feelings. We've been together for nearly a year now (me: f.26 him: m.29). We'd known each other through mutual friends for a few months prior, but once we got together, it all happened pretty fast. He'd shown nothing but commitment to me from the start and had taken all the first moves (brought up topics like moving in together) as far as moving the relationship to the next step. I've been surprised but also pleased by this as most the guys I've dated have not been as communicative or into the "let's talk about our future" stuff. I really want to move toward positive thinking and not get paranoid about the small stuff, which I think is really important in maintaining any relationship. <br> <br> Some background - Three weeks after we had first started hooking up/dating, I had to go on a five-week vacation that had been previously planned. We hadn't established the relationship at this point, but saw each other about twice a week and texted (him to me mostly) nearly everyday. Night before I left, he asked me what I wanted to do when I was gone (regarding us). I told him honestly that I thought we had a good thing going and I want to continue it when I come back, and that while I don't want him to sleep with anyone else, I understand at three weeks in, it's really not my place to request this. He didn't say anything either way, and just said that he had thought he wouldn't mind if I did since I was taking my big vacation. <br> <br> We texted a lot while I was gone, exchanged a lot of emails about how we missed each other. It drove me crazy to be gone from him, I think especially knowing that he had been fairly promiscuous before me. Anyhow, I came back and he got me at the airport, i later asked if he had been with anyone else and he said no. He told me his ex (high school, never had sex with) was in town and very single and asked him to meet up and he declined so as not to be in that situation. And turned down another previous FWB as well. <br> <br> A few months later, he went to a weekend-long camping art fest, invited me but i declined (later regretted). I felt extremely insecure and paranoid over this whole weekend, thinking about him camping out there by himself around lots of hippies on drugs. His phone reception was really bad too, hence more insecurities from no responses. Much later during a relevant conversation, he told me that his previous FWB was there and implied wanting to share the tent with him, and it was a hard no from him. He said he had not told me because he didn't want to upset me, which actually bothered me in the way that he thought I would get upset over something which he didn't do wrong, making me think that he thinks I'm irrational. Anyway, wasn't a big deal but whenever I remember that weekend it just makes me feel uneasy for some reason. <br> <br> There is no rational reason for me to think he'd ever cheated or would cheat on me, but every odd while I get really paranoid and imagine scenarios where he's living a double life (totally crazy). Like if he gets a text, and doesn't say who it's from. I don't want to keep tabs on him and I don't want that kind of dynamic. I know he'd already cut off people from his life like his previous FWBs, on his own accord. I feel perhaps because he volunteers so much info all the time, whenever I don't know something trivial, I get paranoid. <br> <br> I know his ex (how we met actually) and I know he's never done anything of the sort. He's very much against misogyny/male dominance of any kind (in daily life, sex, etc). He's voluntarily told me a lot of things I never asked for (his plans for the night if it's not with me, encounters with girls like the ones mentioned above). It's just been a really great relationship. We've had issues with our fights (I shut down, he snaps) but we've talked a lot about it and are both working on it. I know I get petty sometimes, and I'm trying to work on it. That and being paranoid kind of go hand in hand I guess. So, how do I calm myself when I get that paranoid feeling and just get passed it? I can't even figure out if it's entirely jealousy or just not knowing something, perhaps the latter. I don't want to harp on insignificant details and cause any conflict that could damage the relationship, and I definitely don't want him to think I don't trust him because he has done nothing to warrant suspicion. Help me toward a more positive trusting relationship and self in general.,2014:site.260833 Thu, 24 Apr 2014 10:35:14 -0800 monologish Help me figure out how to trust again (both other people and myself)…. What I’m trying to figure out now is how to trust people again, trust myself again, and find myself/my voice again. I am 40 years old and for the majority of my life I’ve lived a good life, I’ve been confident in myself and my understanding of the world. I’ve been well respected by myself, my peers, my partners, my friends. I’ve rarely had interpersonal conflicts that were not resolved or have I had any major depression, anxiety, self-esteem problems, or problems building relationships and keeping relationships. Until now, I have loved many people in many ways, and felt very loved and well regarded by many people in many ways. I’ve had a very nice life, and right now I feel like I am fighting so hard to get that back, but I am in need of help learning how to trust again, both other people and myself.<br> <br> If you read my <a href="">previous post</a>, you will see that I had a rather public and sudden falling out with a friend which will not be resolved, nor do I have any understanding of why it occurred. Again, like before, I am not trying to figure out why it occurred, it’s a futile effort. What I’m trying to figure out now is how to trust people again, trust myself again, and find myself/my voice again. <br> <br> The situation in the previous post hit me like a truck and I didn’t at all see it coming. And now examining myself and my reaction I am realizing that I am having a hard time trusting myself and my own judgment. I find myself thinking, if I could have been so wrong about this person, I could be wrong about many other things. How does one build that, particularly when they’ve never had a hard time building it before? For me it was always a given, I’ve always been a strong willed person who trusted myself and liked myself.<br> <br> The gossipy aftermath, and other circumstances has left me somewhat isolated. In the previous post, the discussion of feeling stigmatized was brought up. And this is true, I do feel stigmatized and anxiety, and therefore have pulled away from most people. However, I do find myself missing people and missing community, and therefore I hang out with people one-on-one. However, even when I’m one-on-one with people, I hold back so much of my personality because I’m scared and I have a hard time letting people in now. I have always been a silly, fun, smart person, who likes to both work hard and have fun. But when I’m with people, I’m so tight-lipped that I feel like they barely see “me”. How do I let people back in? How do I let me be me again? How do I regain trust in people and myself?<br> <br> You all were so helpful last time I asked a question, thank you so much in advanced, I really appreciate all of your advice.,2014:site.260040 Wed, 09 Apr 2014 08:18:38 -0800 lullu73 Achieve customer's confidence in a service they're not paying for I work for an IT company that provides certain VIP customers with consultancy services, free of charge for them. My job is basically help them identify new business needs, get first-hand information about their plans and projects, do some consulting work related to IT management methodologies, suggest ways to fix non-optimal business processes and in general, manage the business relationship at the highest level (CIOs and CEOs). My question is simple: The customer has not asked for this service and it is free of charge for them. How can I engage them and build a trust relationship that produces benefits for both parties? In other words, how can I get their attention to this "Value Added Service" they are receiving for being VIP customers? <br> <br> As a side note, they know this service is not provided to all companies, but I want to avoid being trapped in the operational part of the service (ensuring everything they have payed for is working as it should) but to help them improve their own business with our help. The typical profile for the consultants that do this is 20+ or more years of working experience, direct contact with the CIO and/or CEO and not doing any sales-related work. (We want the customer to clearly differentiate between the sales personnel and us to become their trusted advisors).<br> <br> Thanks for your suggestions.,2014:site.259751 Thu, 03 Apr 2014 14:51:07 -0800 Matrod It's your pain, how can i help you carry it without collapsing myself? How can i help support my partner when he's going through a rough time, when i feel sad too? my partner is wonderful and supportive. he also has probably just lost $7000 to a con artist, who now isn't paying him for work he did in the past. we can live without the money, but there are lots of sad and bad feelings flying around. i suck these feelings up like crazy - i'm practically feeling my partner's feelings these days. things between us are totally great, we get along very well but i want to be a stronger support to him and let him fall apart a little bit - he supports me through my tough times without needing me to "stay strong" for him. we're going to be in a relationship forever (we hope) and lots of crappy crap will happen throughout a lifetime. how can i not let this little glitch (and his understanding sadness and loss of trust in someone who he trusted) bring me down too? how have you and your partner gone through things in the past and had them build up a relationship instead of pulling it down? today was a bad day, with lots of stress and stomach pains from anxiety. can tomorrow please be more fun? thank you.,2014:site.257539 Fri, 21 Feb 2014 12:20:36 -0800 Anonymous Babysitter Business My wife and I always have trouble finding a babysitter. Our friends have the same problem. This problem came up at a party last night. Our solution to the problem was a website / app that allowed parents to search for babysitters. There are plenty of services that do this already, but we all agreed that none of the services were solving the 'trust' problem. We felt that none of the existing services were local enough, e.g. tied to our local community / social circles. As a parent, what would this service need to do to put you at ease? Do the babysitters need to be vetted, and if so, how? Referrals? Reviews? Video interviews? Personality tests? What would you need to know to trust a babysitter with your kids?,2014:site.257261 Mon, 17 Feb 2014 06:30:14 -0800 jasondigitized Need an excellent estate attorney in NYC. Integrity a must. Looking for an estate attorney so good it’ll make us forget how our last estate attorney shamelessly ripped us off. We are still dealing with <a href="">this situation</a>, in which my deceased relative’s eldercare attorney, who set up his will and trust, now won’t distribute the the trust or respond to communications. Contacting the lawyer’s boss got us more lies, excuses, and evasions. It’s a soul-sapping years-long nightmare, and it's made me very skittish about lawyers in general.<br> <br> Regardless, it's now time for me to get my own will set up, and ensure that if my husband and I should both die, our minor child is properly taken care of. This will be a little complex due to our situation. I've been putting it off because, honestly, I'm now kind of afraid of lawyers.<br> <br> Please help restore my faith in lawyers by recommending an estate attorney who can set up a will and a trust and provisions for custody of our child, and deal with a slightly unorthodox situation. We are good clients, not crazy, not overly demanding, able to understand complex ideas once explained. Please send us to an experienced, businesslike lawyer who takes his or her responsibility seriously and has <strong>impeccable integrity</strong>. I want someone who keeps commitments no matter what and whose <strong>word is bond</strong>. <br> <br> Please only recommend people you have personally dealt with — either they set up your own will/estate/trust plans, or you dealt with them after a relative’s death (perhaps in a probate or trustee situation) and they did a smashing job that has left you forever grateful.<br> <br> AskMe has not steered us wrong yet. I’m just haunted by the fear that, given the above parameters, this question will get 0 answers…,2014:site.256881 Mon, 10 Feb 2014 06:54:37 -0800 ROTFL What and where is a gut feeling? Frequently on Askme people say to trust your gut or inner voice when it comes to relationships. What exactly does that feel like and how do you teach yourself that? I seem to be missing that little voice inside that tells you when you meet someone new if they are a safe person or not. Lots of reasons I am working in therapy for but I hear people talking about this a lot and don't really understand it. I trust people automatically and assume everyone is good and won't take advantage/won't hurt me. Emotionally I missed out on a lot of lessons in life and am quite naïve when it comes to navigating new friendships/relationships. Because of PTSD I don't feel that connected to my body a lot.<br> <br> I hear about teaching children to listen to that "uh oh" voice inside. Is this a place that you can feel in your body? Are there guides for teaching what it feels like and for adults? What does it sound like?<br> <br> Man... Even phrasing this seems naïve but it is something I really am struggling with as I make new friends.,2014:site.256633 Wed, 05 Feb 2014 20:19:22 -0800 kanata Can/Should I rebuild trust in an LDR? How difficult might that be? I broke up with my LDR significant other ("SO") because of SO's emotional affair, which SO concealed from me. Is my regret and doubt for breaking up with SO a signal to reconcile or a natural part of the loss? I was recently in an LDR for about 2 years. We are 28. We saw each other once a month. When the relationship started and we became exclusive, I was dating someone else and stopped shortly thereafter. I never told the SO about the prior indiscretion (spoiler alert: double standard!). SO's career is narrowly focused and exists exclusively in the city where SO currently lives. My career has some mobility to it, although re-locating is not easy. SO and I had a lot of physical attraction and compatibility with one another. I sense this attraction as well as the psuedo-mystery/excitement of LDR kept us together. We had discussed long-term plans and met each other's family. A year into the relationship, SO had declared SO's love for me, only to have me respond by breaking up with SO and then reconciling a week or two later. SO then provided an ultimatum that I had to decide whether or not I am in love with SO by a certain date ("point X"). By point X, I decided that I was in love. <br> <br> Benchmarking against past relationships, I at times had felt a bit unfulfilled in this relationship in two respects. First, I prefer to investigate and discuss ideas more than SO. One can refer to this as a disagreement in the appropriate amount of "intellectualism" (or how cerebral we are). Second, although SO's and my sense of humor overlap, SO rarely makes me laugh (at least not a belly bursting laugh the way others do) nor does SO seem to enjoy a lot of my humor or ill-timed frivolous nature. These issues alone were insufficient to end the relationship. <br> <br> SO tells white lies, which SO generally attributed to poor memory or embarrassment. SO's white lies became more suspicious. For instance, SO went abroad shortly before point X. SO later volunteered that SO had met an individual on the trip who later sent SO a romantic gift. Given my surprise that someone would do such a thing for someone else in an exclusive relationship, SO revealed that although no cheating occurred, SO "connected" with the gift-giver on the trip and even expressed doubts to gift-giver regarding SO's and my relationship (prior to point X). SO shortly thereafter introduced a password on her cellphone. I discover (not through SO) that in between the delivery of the ultimatim and point X, SO had an ongoing interaction with another person for a month or two. This interaction included spending multiple evenings alone, cooking dinner together, watching movies, dancing, massages, talking on a daily basis, sharing certain sexually-desirous thoughts (e.g., "I want you"), and discussing sexual preferences (e.g., not preferring it "rough"). At the time, SO and I were not communicating daily or or very well; I was incredibly busy with work and not a very good partner in this respect. SO had also somewhat emotionally withdrawn due to my (at the time) unreciprocated declaration of love. <br> <br> Because I could not reveal how I discovered the emotional affair, I confronted SO merely on the general topic. We discussed and agreed that any behavior even providing the appearance of dating others would likely be inappropriate, and at the least, should be shared openly between us. SO promised to be honest going forward. A few weeks later, I discover that SO went to a film with a person who may have been courting SO. SO did not physically cheat that evening because we spoke after the event. But SO lied and claimed to be doing something else that evening with friends. Upon confrontation, SO copped to the lie, albeit noting that the movie-goer was merely expressing a platonic interest. SO decided to lie, SO claimed, because SO was concerned that I would become unnecessarily worried or jealous. Given this explanation, I invited SO to "come clean" about all past events that SO may have concealed. SO provided a crumb where I wanted the whole cookie: SO revealed that SO actually had considered, shortly before point X, whether SO would leave me for the gift-giver. I tried to beat around the bush re: the emotional affair, and SO only said that the interaction with that person did not pan out. <br> <br> SO profusely apologized, expressed regret, and asked what SO could do to rebuild trust and offered to provide all passwords to electronic media. The last point struck me as (a) not fool-proof because SO can still find a way to be dishonest (particularly in LDR), and (b) problematic because the desire or need to monitor SO's activities appears to be the antithesis of a trusting and healthy relationship. SO also began to offer to move to me (or at least try as much as I would try to move to SO) in the coming years. SO's moving could require a career sacrifice on SO's part and engender eventual bitterness. After (perhaps artificially) fast-tracking my view of the relationship of SO (e.g., whether I could envision spending my life with SO), I left SO. Given that this was the first individual with whom I was in love, the pain is very new. SO continues to be on my mind rather consistently, including resisting the temptation to reveal to SO my knowledge of SO's prior indiscretions. I have followed the general advice I have seen in other threads: exercise, seeing a therapist, friends/family, hobbies, etc. This has done little to change the lingering questions, which I present below:<br> <br> QUESTIONS:<br> (1) Am I being too hasty - acting on feelings of anger and hurt - in ending this relationship? Or is it appropriate to believe that your partner must be someone you trust unconditionally? That is, at the age of 28, is honesty (or the lack thereof) with a partner a character trait that one cannot change? <br> <br> (2) Are you aware of anyone who has rebuilt trust in an LDR? (If you have experienced being in love with a partner in an LDR whom you did not trust, I would be interested to know if you came to a resolution.) <br> <br> (3) For those who have left a loved one under similar circumstances (at least the lack of trust part), did you view your doubt and regret as healthy or a signal that a decision was made hastily? (I have also been told that if one is truly in love, they work through most any issues.) <br> <br> I am interested in others' potentially relevant experiences or insight, albeit realizing YMMV. Thank you.,2013:site.253398 Mon, 09 Dec 2013 11:26:51 -0800 sciolisticfelix How do I deal with my spouse having an external romantic relationship? I found out my partner of 20 years/spouse of 11 was having an emotional/romantic affair with our best friend and lied to me about it. Now that we've gone through the initial reveal, I've told her I've forgiven her; she's hinting she's been thinking about romantic relationships outside of our marriage. tl;dr- Are we done here or can this be saved? Some background:<br> <br> My spouse and I met 20 years ago while I was a sophomore in college and she was an incoming freshman. I was the first serious relationship she'd had since high school and the only person she's ever slept with; she was the second really serious relationship I'd ever had and also only the second person I've ever slept with. Over the first 10 years, we only sporadically talked about marriage, for several reasons: she's a pretty dedicated feminist and I've always tried to be as much of a feminist ally as I can- she was never gung-ho about the institution, and I honestly had some issues with it too. I never pushed it and we were pretty content to leave it be, bringing it up every so often just to see if things felt different. Also, for many of those years one or the other of us were going through grad school and we were happy and had lots of close friends in the big city where we lived- why ruin a good thing?<br> <br> We finally got married 11 years ago, and had our first child a couple years later. 7 years ago, we reluctantly moved back to my hometown, a smaller Midwestern city where I found not-always-satisfying work in my chosen field, and she found dissatisfying part-time work in hers. We made very close friends with our neighbors down the block. They have three kids, we have two, all of whom are about a year separated in age and are also very close. They co-own a local business, and in the last year or so my spouse went to work part-time for them in their store.<br> <br> About 5 years ago we had our second child. Things changed again: there's definitely more strain on our relationship and we seem to have more financial difficulties and day-to-day difficulties: because of my job, I'm often unable to do things like cook dinner (something I love and used to do regularly), my spouse is sort-of a stay-at-home mom and primary caregiver to our kids, which I know (from her telling me in various ways) doesn't really fit in to her ideals- she's said that she feels like a stereotypical housewife. Still, we loved each other deeply, and while not always happy 100% of the time, I felt like we made it work. <br> <br> Over the last couple years, we'd been gradually seeing more and more of our friends- dinners, camping trips, etc. My spouse has always been more outgoing and extroverted than myself, and freely admits that she enjoys flirting with guys but has always maintained that it's harmless (and generally, I'm fine with it too- she loves me, so what's the problem?) When text messages from the other guy (who we'll call "A" from here out) began to appear, with increasing regularity, I was somewhat unnerved but still remained cool because, hey, it's just text messages, right? More parties, alcohol would come out and my spouse seemed a bit more comfortable with the two of them than with me, but that was OK- she's flirty, I've always been introverted and shyer and still, we're just friends, right? Over this summer the texts came more and more often, and I started to wonder if maybe something wasn't happening behind my back. I decided to ask her if she and "A" were having some sort of affair. She denied it flat out and said she loved me unquestionably. I let it drop but with a deepening sense of unease.<br> <br> Over the next week or so, my spouse began to behave uncharacteristically. She told me she was going to her weekly book group, but then came back 5 hours later in a state of distress- crying, visibly unhappy. She admitted to me that she hadn't gone to book group but instead had sat in a parking lot in the dark by herself for a few hours and then had gone to the bar with a female friend of ours for a few more hours before coming home. A few days later, she went to the bar again, this time with "A" and another male friend of ours. She came home 4 hours later, during which time I worried incessantly about where she was and when she got home I asked and she denied that anything had happened. Other weird things started to happen- for example, she suddenly turned off the "Find My Friends" feature on her phone, which we'd used to tell where we were on the beach or to time dinner by the other's departure from work.<br> <br> About a month ago I was installing software updates that required me to log in to my spouse's account on our computer and change some settings. Not a big deal, normally- we share each other's passwords, we only had the separate accounts so we wouldn't get our documents mixed up, and we frequently used each others' accounts to check something quick online, or whatever. On this occasion, however, she had left her sent email open and I foolishly glanced at it, saw the top message had my name in it, and then realized it was an email she had forwarded to "A". Basically, this email was a few years' old message between my spouse and a different friend(who we'll call "B"), where she revealed as part of a conversation that she had a major crush on neighbor "A" and that "B" should never tell me about it because it would break my heart (true). My wife had basically forwarded the contents of that email (between her and "B") to "A".<br> <br> I was indeed heartbroken and I asked my spouse again if she was having some sort of affair(without mentioning that I'd seen the email), and she admitted that she and "A" had been basically been starting to have a serious emotional/romantic relationship, but had decided to end it before it got too out of hand- she claimed they hadn't done anything physical, just talking about mutual attraction and they realized it was wrong and that was the end of it. She never mentioned sending the email(what I consider a lie of omission). <br> <br> A few days later, after having violent anxiety, I finally confronted her about the email, said I knew there was more to it than what she'd told me. She admitted it, and said that she was extremely sorry and deeply regretted what she'd done. I was angry and sad; told her how hurt and betrayed I felt. According to both my spouse and "A", nothing physical had happened, but my sense is that if I hadn't said something initially it would probably have progressed that way. She and I have had several discussions since then, and finally, when I pressed her, she revealed that she'd been having "vague, preliminary thoughts" about some sort of alternative marriage arrangement- open marriage, or some sort of outside romantic relationships. I told her that while I wanted to do whatever I could to make her happy and fulfilled, an open relationship wasn't what I signed up for when we got married. <br> <br> She has since told me that she's abandoned those thoughts since she's seen how much distress it causes us to talk about it. I don't really believe it, and I don't want her to be romantically unfulfilled or unhappy. She refuses to discuss it any further, basically and says she shouldn't have brought it up.<br> <br> Questions:<br> <br> 1. How can I ever trust my partner again? I never thought about this sort of thing ever happening, and I feel a bit like a fool, but I want to regain my trust in her and try to salvage what I can with our relationship, especially since there's kids involved.<br> <br> 2. What, if anything, should I do about the open marriage question? I like to think I'm an open-minded, Dan Savage GGG guy but this might be too much for my jealousy and insecurity issues.<br> <br> Before anyone suggests, yes- I am seeking therapy on my own for my own problems. I've suggested couples' therapy but my spouse is so far not interested.,2013:site.252440 Fri, 22 Nov 2013 13:16:25 -0800 Anonymous Struggling to forgive my SO's emotional cheating How can I forgive my SO (and myself) for emotionally cheating on each other? Married for 3 years, been together for 10, and have known/enjoyed each other since we were 16/18, respectively (we are now in our early/mid 30s). He’s more extro, I’m more intro. He comes from a “don’t talk about it and it doesn’t exist” upbringing, my family’s shelves are stacked with self help books and AA/OA/CoDA books (we talk bluntly about anything and everything).<br> <br> This summer was terrible for the both of us in some key ways that are good background, so here goes: work drove us both into deep states of depression (he has a job he hates and has hated for more than a decade, I own a business that hit its first slump this summer and doesn’t pay me as well as we’d like) and we acted accordingly: my wont is to get super introverted and game (a bad habit for me from depressive times past, and a huge red flag we both chose to ignore), his wont is to get super extroverted and drink a lot/gather people to him (red flag as well, which I discussed with him multiple times but was rebutted on). Over about a month and a half, we spent a lot of time apart, me in our house gaming or at work, he out late at bars, and while our sex life continued on relatively healthfully, we were not being affectionate to each other outside of the bedroom and daily conversation was in a deep lull, except for a handful of exhausted/half-hearted “are we ok?” conversations started by me late night right before bed that were met with resistance.<br> <br> Cue an old long-distance crush from gaming times past for me, which kept me home even more. Enter a new pal for him, who saw his pain and gave him the attention he was craving. Neither one of us did anything more than have feelings for/skew priorities to these two people but it feels deep and meaningful, and despite my role in his needing to seek attention elsewhere (as I wasn’t providing any at home) and seeking, for myself, that same kind of attention, I find a shadow creeping up on me many days, a feeling that we’ve polluted something important, and that we’ll never truly be able to repair the damage. It’s making it difficult to invest as fully as I need to right now in rebuilding our marriage for the much, much better. Even on days when I fight hard for control, it’s hard to keep the shadow away and I swing from one extreme to the other – thankfulness that something happened (and that it wasn’t more drastic) to call us to action, and fear and desperate sadness that I didn’t yell loudly or fight harder when I knew we were in trouble and that he didn’t either.<br> <br> It doesn’t help that in order for the cycle to end, I had to play crazy, untrusting wife and read his texts one morning. Not a role I’d ever like to play again. Also unhelpful – the nature of my indiscretion makes it 100% possible never to have to see/talk/think about that person ever again, but his is more complicated – it’s an inevitability, thank you tiny/tightly knit town, that I/we will have to interact with this woman at some point in the near future, and the fact that he didn’t care at all about that (probably didn’t even consider it) hurts pretty deeply. I refuse to become the type of person that second guesses his every facebook friend, that checks his phone and browsing history, that cocks a head at a long hug with another woman. Part of why I love him so much is how much love he has to give. But I don’t know how to get there.<br> <br> This, despite starting to see a therapist together. This, despite loving this man more than I’ve ever loved anyone else. And this, despite acknowledging deep down that monogamy is not the most human of states.<br> <br> So I guess my question goes thusly; does time truly heal these kinds of wounds, or do I need to actively work at it? What are some mental practices that have worked for you to forgive something difficult to forget? Can he (as he desperately promises me) learn from this summer’s mistakes and become better at facing pain/talking more deeply about troubling topics so that we don’t repeat this cycle ever, ever again?,2013:site.251813 Tue, 12 Nov 2013 14:00:00 -0800 Anonymous I want to set up a fund for the children of a friend who passed away A very close and dear friend of mine passed away a few days ago at a very young age and left behind a wife and 2 very young children ages 3 and 1. I would like to set up an investment fund for his children in his memory which people can donate to and will accrue interest until they are ready for college. To increase the chances people will donate I want it to be possible to use paypal or google wallet. I know nothing about finance or laws or any of the things that I imagine come with setting this up. Can anyone advise? Thanks in advance,2013:site.251764 Tue, 12 Nov 2013 01:42:12 -0800 postergeist Trusting after past abuse I'm already in therapy. What can I do on my own, when I interact with others, so I won't feel so guarded? I'm noticing that despite a lot of healing from my <a href="">past relationship</a>, including EMDR, I continue to be very cautious and awkward with people. I feel vulnerable and expect to be criticized and rejected. The walls I'm putting up are leading me to a feeling of loneliness. How can I go back to being my authentic, warm, openhearted self? I've noticed the following things trigger me to feel angry or insecure:<br> <br> -People noticing my mild physical disability (not readily apparent, but noticeable over time). My ex made a huge big deal out of it, calling me "crippled" and "defective." I know he was insane for saying that but my mind jumps to the shame I felt when he berated me for it, over and over, after depriving me of sleep and food.<br> <br> -People who know the story already asking for further details about the relationship. I feel a lot of shame and like I am being judged as damaged goods or that I have red flags like being needy/insecure/desperate for being with an abuser. Friends reassure me that people are asking just to see how I'm doing because they care. I clam up and get very defensive, which might make it seem like I'm not over him or something. I feel like I have to prove that my identity isn't "the girl who was abused."<br> <br> -A guy that I have an interest in mentioning another woman friend, or talking to another attractive woman in my presence, triggers me to jump to all kinds of jealous conclusions about how he must like her more than me. My ex used to compare me unfavorably to other women. My mind just goes bonkers when this happens and I find myself involuntarily projecting that this guy is a jerk and a player who must just find me pathetic--the "I'll reject him before he rejects me" syndrome. Rationally, I know this guy is actually a very nice person and he does seem to have some interest in me. I just can't let down my guard with him and feel awkward much of the time. I can't allow myself to show my romantic interest in him due to fear of rejection so I probably seem kind of standoffish.<br> <br> -When a new acquaintance asks what brought me to town, I freeze like a deer in the headlights. What brought me to where I now live was fleeing my abuser. I don't have a ready answer.<br> <br> -A general wariness of people and a desire to keep them at arm's length, but a longing for connection. I won't be able to get closer to people if I push them away or isolate.,2013:site.251616 Sat, 09 Nov 2013 05:42:03 -0800 Rainflower Should I tell her? A friend's ex-husband confessed a number of sins to me. Should I tell her? Drama below. I dated him for two years, then she was married to him for 12. They divorced 4 years ago and she and I became good friends, unbeknownst to him. <br> <br> As I understood it, she divorced him because his brother sexually assaulted her, and he thought they should protect the brother and not report the incident to the police (I don't know how that all panned out.) She also told me he cheated on her one time with a woman they met in a bar. <br> <br> He asked me to dinner one night after their divorce (again, not knowing she and I were friends) and proceeded to tell me about many affairs he had during their marriage, including a lengthy sexual relationship with her best friend.<br> <br> She is still best friends with the best friend and has no idea they were ever involved. If it were me I'd want to know to get the hell away from this person claiming to be my "best friend" but I know this is seriously damaging territory. Which way should I go on this?,2013:site.251170 Thu, 31 Oct 2013 16:09:06 -0800 Josephine Macaulay What should my elderly parents do with their only asset, a liquid $250K? I'm seeking as many opinions as I can get from people with knowledge of financial advising and/or trusts &amp; estates and/or estate planning, about what my parents (in their 80s) ought to do with their $250,000 in liquid assets. I'm NOT looking for the kind of detailed plan we'd get from an advisor whom we hire; I'm looking for short, quite general, common sense answers (such as "These ONE OR TWO types of instruments are good/bad; all others are to be avoided/considered.") I'm also looking for as many answers as I can get. In order to get that assortment of answers, I want to disclose only a very few specific things about the folks: 1. they currently rent an apartment; they do not own a home. 2. they are in their 80s--relatively healthy and can drive, shop, take care of themselves, but I'm not sure how long that'll last. I'd like to see them in a retirement community within a couple years. 3. Their only income (which doesn't amount to much) is social security. 4. They lose about $2,100 in total expenses every month. That's just about equal to what they take in each month. 5. Their one and only significant asset is a liquid $250,000. Okay, at their age, and considering all the above, WHAT IS/ARE THE MOST PRACTICAL THING(s) THEY SHOULD DO WITH THAT LUMP OF LIQUID MONEY? THANK YOU from their worried adult child with a family of my own!,2013:site.250794 Thu, 24 Oct 2013 11:30:06 -0800 losdavos Trustee won't distribute funds from the trust, won't even return calls. A relative of mine died a over two years ago, leaving a very small estate and a small trust. There were various delays, so the trust was in stasis for nearly a year. The delays have been resolved, but I cannot get the trustee to pay out the funds. What do I do? The lawyer who was handling the estate is also the trustee. He switched firms about 8 months into the whole process without telling us, and I couldn't reach him for a month or two. I finally reached him, and he assured me he would distribute the trust soon, but now he just will not respond to emails or calls. I call his office and speak to his secretary, who assures me he will respond soon, but he never does. <br> <br> The trust is small enough that it hardly seems worth the emotional effort and expense of trying to take legal action against him. However, I could use the money. This lawyer/trustee seems to believe he really has no obligation to distribute the trust or communicate in any way with the beneficiaries. At this point, after about 8 fruitless months of constant efforts to get him to respond, I think he has no intention of ever distributing the funds or responding to me. (I should add that the terms of the trust were that it was to be distributed in a lump sum as soon as possible to the beneficiaries. There's no debate about that; even the lawyer agreed, when we were on speaking terms. There is no legal reason to delay the distribution.)<br> <br> I simply can't believe that a lawyer at a Park Avenue law firm would find it worth embezzling a trust so small, but… why else would he refuse to be contacted? He does get a trustee's fee of a few hundred dollars a year, but that's about an hour of billing for him.<br> <br> I doubt his firm will care if I complain to the higher-ups, because this trust is not handled by their firm and besides, if they hired this guy, I assume they're a bunch of crooks too.<br> <br> What is my remedy for this? How do I get him to respond, and to distribute the funds from the trust? Do I need to hire another lawyer to sort this out? I hope not, because I never want to see a lawyer again in my life.,2013:site.250449 Fri, 18 Oct 2013 12:07:53 -0800 ROTFL Trust vs. Control I posted a pervious question regarding dating a man who wasn't forthcoming about a detail in his life (a 2nd child with a different woman) and my creeping suspicions that learning about him hiding this child was an indication of a future of lies and trust issues. I have let this man go, not because of the child, but because I am unable to trust him for many other reasons and now I want to learn a healthy balance between Trust and Control in relationships and dealing with insecurities. How do you move past insecurities and know when to just trust someone and recognize if your insecurities are causing you to control and sabatoge. Long story short...I was married 1.5 years ago to a man who would often times go behind my back and talk to woman for attention, I didn't like it and would find out through 'snooping' through his phone (I'm not proud of this, and know it was wrong). So I started a new relationship with someone who was very quick (in my previous posts) in confessing his desire for me and how he had been looking for someone like me I was perfect. I was suspicious, he was handsome, charming, treated me like a queen but something just screamed he was too good to be true and I was going to be hurt. I noticed him on his phone a lot the first couple months and comments about how he had previously been unfaithful made me act in a way I had in the past which I was ashamed of, I looked through his phone. I found suspiciuos texts from exes... we talked through it, I said I didnt want to behave like that. I did it again, because in my gut I felt he was lying about something, which turns out my gut was right and he had met with another Ex GF. I got to a point where I felt like the only way to get the truth and avoid being hurt was to look at his phone and every time I did I found something. An e-mail from an ex indicating he had another child (which he confessed to), or a text from yet another ex indicating he had been watching her dog when in fact he was telling me it was someone elses (which he admitted to saying he didn't want to tell me to give me the wrong impression). <br> <br> I know this is an insecurity thing, and you shoulnd't be with people that make you want to snoop- but it's almost what I have been conditioned to do and used to, I do not want to be this way. I'm afraid it is almost my way of trying to control the situation, or is it that I have been with the wrong people who have given me reason to doubt and that urge to snoop to protect myself is there? I do feel horribly guilty. I know this man will never provide me the things I need, but I can't let go of the guilt of my actions. There were a lot of good things about this man, but a lot of controlling manipulative bad things too. I broke it off because he is just unable to be honest with me about small things in fear of my reaction...but he is so adament that I am the one that caused this because I just can't trust him and that I am crazy for hijacking his phone. He has walked away from me 2 times out of "confusion and not knowing what he wanted" (leaving me with a lack of trust and insecurity when he did come back)...I know, I should have seen this and let him go but I didn't. He has been less than truthfull about an ex who visited him (we were long distance) on a whim because her bf at the time stood her up at the airport in the city he lives...I had a gut instinct, asked him he refused to tell me, so i looked for the evidence in his phone and found it- that is when he admitted to it.<br> <br> I absolutly do not want to be that GF that feels the need to snoop, I want to trust, and I did in the beginning until my gut was screaming at me. I'm not sure how to differentiate between am I picking these men who are just not emotionally available to fully trust, or is the issue me and just beeing too insecure and trying to control every aspect of a relationship. Maybe I have never experienced what a good relationship truely is and feel I will never find someone I am 100% secure with because I have allowed myself to be lied to and burned so many times. I just want honesty and openness, I voice that and then it comes back to blaming me for not being able to trust him. Someone who has walked out on me, lied to me, cut me down, made me felt not good enough, etc. Maybe I require too much in a relationship or need to know too much information about someone's life and what they are doing... but I think in a state of trying to work out a relationship and re-build trust after being walked out on, someone has the right to be honest if they have been watching an Exes dog, or be honest about any other question I am asking to prove to me that I can trust you again.,2013:site.249928 Wed, 09 Oct 2013 06:28:49 -0800 BrandNewMe Is it ever ok to lie to your partner? My job requires me to work away often with female colleagues. My girlfriend gets quite jealous and we argue if she knows I am away with girls. I have in the past confided in detail with one female colleague about problems in my relationship and I think this is where the aggravation comes from. There has never been anything romantic. To avoid an argument while I'm on the road I've started lying to my girlfriend about who is on these trips. So as far as she knows I only go away with men. So my question. Is it okay to lie to your partner if it saves stress and worry for both parties? Examples of similar situations would be useful...,2013:site.249752 Sun, 06 Oct 2013 17:01:29 -0800 JIMSMITH2000 Is this just a special-snowflake-petty relationship concern? If your partner did something wrong when you first started dating and you didn’t find out until later when you were deep in a happy relationship, what would you do? How much of the past do you let go and how much of the past do you let define the present (e.g., break up)? When we started dating, my partner was still messaging with his ex on a daily basis. I never realized until I looked through his Facebook photos (like 8 months later) and connected the name. (He never hid his text messages from me, which loaded on his computer screen.) I talked to him about it and asked him if this was something I should be worried about. He said not at all, he has no intentions of getting back together with his ex but they did end on good terms and are friends. I was at a really busy point in grad school and didn’t think about it any further. <br> <br> That occurred about 4 months ago. We have a wonderful relationship and I care a lot about him. Our one year anniversary, depending on what milestone, has past/is nearing but I haven’t been very enthused about it though we have talked about it. Something I read the other day reminded me of the texting issue and I realized I haven’t been excited about our one year because of that. I feel SO SELFISH saying this but knowing that he talked with his ex daily like we did took away from the specialness in the beginning of our relationship. I want to be the only ‘good morning’ he sent. <br> <br> I shared my feelings with him the other day. He felt bad I was feeling this way. He explained further that he hadn’t expected to meet someone he liked so much so soon and that our early dates were special to him. He and his ex had come to a mutual understanding that they were not compatible and ended friendly. He emphasized he was single when we met, but he kept messaging because they were friends and he was still transitioning. He hasn’t had many break ups and since they didn’t end horribly… He says they don’t speak anymore. But he can't do anything about the past now.<br> <br> I am at a lost. We are great together and committed—he is willing to move (within reason) to where I find a job next year (PhD/academic markets, sigh). I just feel like a stupid rebound, lied to. If I had found this out earlier in our relationship, I would have left. I told him I needed time to think about it. We haven’t spoken in nearly two days and I hate it. <br> <br> Do I just need a swift kick in the behind from someone? Maybe some inspirational quotes on a flowery background about what trust/what's really important in a relationship is? I know my feelings are valid but in face of the good relationship we have I feel stupid focusing on this. Thanks all.,2013:site.248350 Thu, 12 Sep 2013 11:11:06 -0800 inevitability I cheated, he found out. What now? Boyfriend found out I was cheating on him. I want to apologize because I didn't get the chance to. First of, I'm sorry if this question offends anyone.<br> <br> So here goes. Recently my boyfriend found out that I've been in an emotional affair with a long-distance ex. The affair was about 3 months old, though my boyfriend thinks it went way back. A bit of a background: about 3 months ago we went through a rough patch and I contacted an ex who is living in another country. (Then) Boyfriend and I managed to work through the rough patch but I continued contact with the guy and it grew into an affair.<br> <br> The affair consisted of romantic texts, late night Skype (including Skype sex), as well as exchanges of nude pictures from both parties. Needless to say, my boyfriend was devastated. He threw me out of his house (we don't live together, but I was staying over) and we haven't spoken ever since. It is clear that there's no turning back; he absolutely hates my guts and wishes to never see me again. I do love my boyfriend a lot, but I guess I wanted my cake and eat it too.<br> <br> I am devastated. I regret everything. I know the relationship with my now ex-boyfriend is completely destroyed (we have (had?) a no-cheating policy), and I don't wish to get back together. The shame and chagrin I feel keep me from wanting to. And it's very clear he wants nothing to do with me again.<br> <br> I have also cut all contact with the long-distance ex.<br> <br> But I can't help but feel maybe we need closure? Besides kicking me out of his place and expressing his hurt and anger, he didn't say much else. I want to make some things clear, that loving him was not a lie, all the great times we had together were real and I am truly sorry for everything. I didn't have a chance to say all this during the confrontation. I don't expect reconciliation. I just want him to know. Through email for something because I know he won't see me. Should I or should I not? I only want to do it if it's right by him, so he'd know that my relationship with him was real. I won't do it if it's going to make him feel worse than he already does, just to assuage my guilt. But if I do decide to do it, how do I say it without sounding contrived and excuse-y?<br> <br> Also, I feel rotten to the core. I have no excuses for what I did... I chose to be in another relationship while in a loving one with my then boyfriend. I threw away an awesome relationship because I was greedy and rotten. I deliberately chose to engage in an affair, fully aware it would break my boyfriend's heart and shatter his trust if he found out. The regret I feel is overwhelming, and I vow to never do it again. So where do I go from here? How do I atone my wrongs? It's my guilt talking, yes, but it's a start. I want to be a better person.,2013:site.247781 Tue, 03 Sep 2013 07:57:35 -0800 Anonymous