Let My People Get Drunk and Swim Naked in the Ocean

If any human right is inalienable, it is the right to get obliterated with your friends before running ass naked into the same waters in which Jesus once swam. Today, some awful people are trying to take away that right, and we mustn't let them.

In deference to the uninformed, last night Politico published an "exclusive" story in which it broke the news that, one year ago, a bunch of GOP congressmen got drunk in Israel and then swam in the Sea of Galilee. The Sea of Galilee is actually a freshwater lake made famous because Jesus supposedly walked on it. It's now also famous because at least one Republican member of the House put his bare dick in it, for kicks.

From Politico:


The late-night swim reportedly prompted an FBI investigation and an almost certainly unintimidating dressing down from Majority Leader Eric Cantor. For his part, Rep. Yoder, who was with his wife at the time of his skinny dip, has apologized, saying in a statement that he "regrettably ... jumped into the water without a swimsuit."

This is not an America I want to live in!

Let's break down the current outrage cycle that's followed the report: Some people are mad that these people got a little tipsy and went swimming while on a trip paid for by taxpayer money. If that's the case, let's be more mad that they stayed in the swank Scots Hotel, where rooms can run upwards of $1,000 a night, than that they went swimming naked, which is free. Others are mad that Yoder got naked in front of Steve Southerland's daughter. Outrage! Except for the fact that, you know, non-sexual nudity is a very banal thing, and millions of European and South American children have encountered nudity on beaches for decades and emerged from the experiences unscathed.

Others, still, have their bathing suits in a bunch because of the drinking. "Should our elected officials be getting wasted in foreign lands?" terrible puritans are asking themselves. In short, yes, they should. Because not only is drinking with your friends good for your health, it is also a fun thing to do to blow off steam and get to know people a little better. Besides that, congressional delegations traveling to far-flung locales and getting smashed together, a la frat dudes who "study" abroad, is one of the few political acts that actually harms no one. Not too long ago, Hillary Clinton challenged John McCain to a vodka drinking contest in Estonia and then proceeded to drink his old ass under the table, because she is a champion.

Even if you're not a big drinker, I think we can all agree that allowing the world's mysterious and glorious ocean waters lap at your nude genitalia is one of the last cheap and natural thrills this increasingly detached and technologically driven society provides. In the future, let's stick to having the FBI probe the congressmen who say women's uteruses are magical entities that can block rapist sperm. That seems far more dangerous and embarrassing for America—and far less American, too—than getting drunk with your pals and going for a nude dip. Just nobody drown.