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Journal: Points

Journal by aebd

A lot of good points were made in response to my last .. rant.

I hadn't considered things from some of the angles presented. I'm not sure it makes things any easier, but it does make things feel less, bad.

As it turns out, I'm weening myself off of those feelings for her. It's hard, and involves a small amount of mental 'demonization' to counteract the feelings of love. Maybe not the best route but the only way to step it back that I know of.

I'm getting ready to make a life switch in a couple months, going to work at a new company, starting a new segment of my life, and it turns out she is coming too. Each of our decisions were independant ones and of our own accord, it's just coincidental that this is where it lead.

My previous strategy was that we would go different ways and distance would take care of things, though sadly on the friendship front too. I am a very out of sight out of mind person, and I think she is too.

So now we'll be working at the same place, in the same city, so It's about being proactive to do things on my own with others. I've had very little time that I haven't felt I had to be working over the past couple years, so I've seldom just taken time to do things like ride my bike or just lay in the sun. Though ostensably, just sitting in front of the computer doesn't imply I'm getting work done... But I digress. I'll have much more time on my hands, so more time to not feel locked into the work and be able to explore like I used to. So that is my hope, my plan.

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Journal: no freaking clue 5

Journal by aebd

things just kinda suck. I have no clue why she keeps talking to me despite the proclaimed love for her, and her unacceptance of it. Despite the comments, despite the jealousy. Yet she still is there, she still wants to do things with me. Doesn't she know it's killing me? There are only two solutions, either I find someone else ( not likely any time soon ), or we not do stuff together. Out of sight, out of mind.

It seems that most people would have choosen to go away at this point, to drop the weirdness. I don't understand it. It doesn't mean she secretly wants me, she's said it wouldn't work. yet I proclaim my love on accident again and it doesn't seem to really change anything. Isn't that messed up somehow?

Or maybe it's worse that I know all this, I know the solution, yet am unable to actually go through with it. How do you cut someone out of your life when it's because of your own weakness? How can i simply ignore all the signs that this isn't good for me in some completely foolish blind hope or desire??? it makes no fucking sense, and yet I love the time we're together, but inevitably dread the time apart, because that just starts the problems all over again.

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Journal: just a second

Journal by aebd

'You know you always head off to bed too soon. There's that period between you speaking your intentions and finally going to sleep, sometimes more immediate, others longer, as if you're actually waiting for my response before you head off. I ponder in that time, fingers caressing the keys, sometimes actually making contact, typing the words. Then there they are on the screen, just sitting there for the world to see, blazing on the screen like my own private billboard. But the world doesn't, I don't really care if they do, all I care is if you do. I decide to do it, finger heading for that one key, wavering at the failsafe point, and there you go, off to sleep. I hit it anyway, just to have it there, out, somewhere. Maybe one day I'll get around to it a little quicker, before you finally head off. i love you.'

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Journal: Such Confusion

Journal by aebd

So she is the type of person that tires of people after some amount of time, depending on the person, and then just needs to be alone. This has been happening over the past week. I can tell it, her conversation is short and non continuous. This is fine there's nothing wrong with simply having too much of someone, but then after spending many hours together yesterday she asks to go out to dinner with me, as we have many other times, instead of eating in. If she's tired of me then why does she keep spending time wtih me, or agreeing to go out when I ask?

I don't understand her. I know she doesn't want commitment, not at first at least. So I'm so very tempted to instead of saying bye or good night one time to just kiss her, gently take her head in my hands and kiss her goodnight and leave.

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Journal: Big Fish

Journal by aebd

Saw big fish with some friends and her. Her is the girl I've liked for the past couple months, but nothing has yet to actually happen and well probably never will. Who am I kidding, nothing will definetly happen. But I'm foolish, stubborn when things that really really matter to me are involved and so it'll all end up blowing up in the end. Did it for 3 years once before, don't see why this will be much different

Anyway, we went, we sat and for the first time I wasn't sitting next to her. Usually I manage to position myself walking into the theatre such that I end up sitting next to her, but this time i just lagged back and she stayed at the front and well that's how it goes. I figure if she wanted to sit next to me she would have done something to insure it. She's done it before with other guys. So you'd think I'd take this as a sign. I do, but well my stupidity prevents this from having any actual impact on me.

The movie was good, if the ending was maybe a tad tad cheesy (?). But I kinda left with the duality of just dropping all my feelings for this girl, oh did I mention I'm in love with her?, and pursuing it even more. I'm stuck, flip flopping at this point.

For about the past week or so I've had it in my mind to just kiss her some time, to just do it and let things explode so that I can get on with my life. I don't know why I can't just move on, I don't know why I care so much. She's so damn introverted, correction, she so damn untalkative. She's not introverted, not extroverted either but she doesn't run from people, likes meeting new people, but it's like pulling lions teeth to get anything out of her sometimes, and she rarely starts conversations that lead to anything integral to her.

I think it's this that makes me love her. I know her well enough to know that in her, there's all this wonderfulness. She's a puzzle that I'd happily spend my life trying to solve. Each little piece of the solution revealing a little more of all that is her.

But I digress. Kiss. I want to kiss her so bad, even if it's the only time it happens. I don't want to loose her friendship, but I wonder if that's the ultimate end to it all. I either hurt myself as she continues to just be friends with me and at some point I can't handle it and do something I shouldn't, or I just do something I shouldn't, it all comes out gets resolved somehow and life goes on. Hopefully with her still my friend.

I kinda got this plan set up. Sometime when it's just us somewhere, I ask her for a favor, hopefully she says some form of 'yes' and not, 'it depends please elaborate such to ruin your plan', I say please forgive me and then kiss her, or kiss her then say it. I don't know if that's a good plan, or one that is gauranteed to complete. Right now I am trying to work out the timeline on moving in for a kiss and her ability to react negatively.

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Journal: The Beginning

Journal by aebd

Alright. This is will pretty much contain everything I would never think about putting in my regular /. journal, all the stuff that I would never want linked back to me by those who know me or anyone else. All the stuff that we all think, but the stuff we hide from everyone else.

Why put it up here? I don't know. I guess it'll make me feel expressive on the things I put up here instead of keeping them in or in some stupid text file on my computer. But why put them up here? I guess maybe I want this to be found by someone who knows me and to go 'ah, it all makes sense now, I'll now go do everything that will make him happy now that I realize the actuality of things' But who the hell am I kidding, that won't/doesn't happen so it'll be anonymous cause if anyone did find this well it would just be embaressing and slightly ruinous.

So this will all pretty much end up being me talking about this girl I like and how unfair life is blah blah blah.

Anyway onward.
