Digested read: In the Name of Love by Katie Price

Century, £16.99
Katie Price
All her own work … Katie Price's In the Name of Love.

Then: Charlie sobbed as she knelt beside her dying horse that had been cruelly knocked down by a speeding 4x4.

Now: "Come on, babes," said Zoe. "My Premier League footballer boyfriend has forgotten my birthday. So he said he would pay for me to take a friend to Barbados, and you need cheering up to get over your Premier League footballer cheating on you."

Charlie looked up to see a handsome, well-toned if somewhat diminutive hunk in white Speedos standing next to her sunlounger. Thank God she had had a Brazilian! "Hola," he drawled, "My name is Felipe-Martin di Amis. Would you like to join me on my yacht?"

"You look shagged out," Zoe observed. Charlie smiled. The past few days had been a blur as she had never come so intensely with any other man. "I think I'm in love," she admitted, "though I'm not sure why I told Felipe-Martin I worked in a shop when I'm actually the world's greatest woman writer who doesn't actually write her own books."

Felipe-Martin sobbed. He had never come so intensely with any other woman, and he had believed Charlie was The One but, even though he had told her he was an ageing author rather than a Spanish aristocrat who would be competing in the three-day event at the Olympics, he couldn't forgive her for telling him she worked in a shop when she was actually the world's greatest woman writer who didn't actually write her own books. He would have to end the relationship immediately.

Neither Charlie nor Felipe-Martin had stopped crying for two months since Felipe-Martin had abruptly ended their relationship. She couldn't believe her eyes when he walked into Chinawhite's. How fit could a bloke be! Having come more intensely and more frequently than ever before, Felipe-Martin and Charlie lay contentedly in each other's arms.

"Do you really think we can be a couple?" Charlie asked. "You are a Spanish aristocrat, while I am only a working-class girl."

"Don't be so silly," Felipe-Martin cooed. "I have a great understanding of the lower orders myself, and you write about them in a way that is so wholly convincing."

"You do know that I don't actually write my own books, don't you?"

"Of course, but somehow that makes you even more authentic."

"You say the sweetest things! Now give me your enormous cock again, and I will try not to let the phobia of horses that I have had since my own horse died in my arms get in the way of our relationship."

Charlie wept bitter tears. She adored Felipe-Martin, but she knew she just wasn't able to overcome her problem with horses and that it would be unfair on him were she to jeopardise his chances of a gold medal. For his sake, she had to end it by pretending to go out with the footballer again.

"I've never been so miserable in my life," cried Charlie and Felipe-Martin.

"I know you've never liked me," said Darcy, "but I've completely changed my personality since I've been going out with your jailbird brother. And I think what you need is some therapy to overcome your post-traumatic stress disorder."

Two months later: Charlie couldn't believe the therapy had worked so well and as Felipe-Martin cleared the final fence to win a silver medal behind the British rider, she ran into the arena. "I love you," she cried. "And I love you, too," Felipe-Martin yelled, ripping off his jodhpurs and forcing himself inside her in front of the Royal Box. The Queen led the crowd's standing ovation as the couple juddered to the most intense, simultaneous orgasm.

"I always knew you would win the Nobel prize for literature," gasped Felipe-Martin.

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