3 Reasons I Am Pretty Stoked For Fancy Crocs

When are you people going to start hating me?

Sep 11, 2013 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

BIG NEWS broke today:

Crocs is coming out with a Fancy Line.


Look how much FUN she is having! (Image: Soldier

Like, more than just my hostess flats, these are fashion Crocs. I know, you all hate this. You hate that I hate flip-flops but I totally kick it in poorly disguised Crocs. I am a walking sartorial conundrum and you LOVE IT.

I just can't keep my mouth shut about this one, though. I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that this is happening it doesn't matter. Here is why I need them: 

1. In the future, which is where we want to be eventually, everybody will be wearing plastic shoes anyway.

You all know I think about the future a lot, the WAY distant future. This is because I have trouble living in the now because I am damaged.

That said, in the future obviously the natural world will have been pretty much destroyed (see. Wall-e) and pretty much everything will be synthetic. Like, everything. We will be eating meal capsules and taking turns under the vitamin-D lamps because the sun burned up 100 years ago in 2445.

FURTHERMORE, we will not have cows. Cows create methane (LOTS OF IT) and you can't have that much methane on a mother ship because it is not worth the energy to filter out the gas (heh heh)  just so we can have cheeseburgers and leather shoes.  So, we will be wearing Crocs because they are one piece of manmade plastic and awesome. 

2. I'm a Rebel

So one time I was at the SOHO House in Berlin (CHA-CHING) and I had a really bad cold. I had been in Berlin for a month and was chain smoking constantly hence raw throat. We were on the roof and it was FREEZING so I ended up ordering some tea because I thought It would make my throat feel better.

It being the SOHO House and all they are not about to serve you tea in a Waffle House mug with a string. Oh HELL NO. Instead the waiter shows up with a massive silver platter containing a silver teapot, a silver tea leaf/bag holder contraption, three spoons, a silver honey pot, brown AND white sugar cubes, three slices of lemon skewered with a teeny silver toothpick (that a stole and lost that night) and a teacup and saucer. It was really a total like THING and I immediately regretted getting it amidst all these cool-as-fuck Germans drinking their fancy cocktails.

So, I'm sitting at the bar swathed in cape and used tissues fixing a tea from my massive tea station that takes up a third of the bar and this guy walks up to me and practically vomits with excitement when he sees the tea setup. His eyes fell out of his perfectly shaven blonde head right before he grabbed me by the shoulders and said, "This is brilliant. It's all about doing the WRONG THING in the RIGHT PLACE.

This is what you need to keep in mind with new Fancy Crocs. It's all about putting some fashion where there should be none because, whatever I love that SOHO House story and I got you to read it. Haha. 

3. I have back problems and my feet always hurt always.

I started wearing heels when I was a wee lass. I am a lovely 61 Inches tall which makes me not tall in the slightest. In high school I wore these Matrix-style six inch patent leather platform ankle boots every day and OH BOY did I get made fun of. I persevered though, because I needed the extra inches to go along with my BIG PERSONALITY.

Then I got into wedges and all that when boys came into the picture blah blah blah and now my back hurts all the time because heels are The Man's way of keeping women down. They do make my ass look like it blossomed in Eden, so whatever. 

We need a little comfort in our lives once and awhile. If we can look 21st century sexy architect cool while not weeping with every stride, then let's do that. It is ok. Let some other part of our bodies be in pain for once. 


Guess which feet are mine. 

I've written about this before and it doesn't really even need to be said but, Crocs are really comfy. They are making actual heels for this line, and I am really excited for them. I am excited to walk on perfect little Croc clouds and be all, whatever dudes, this is my life. They will be released under the Stefano Furiani's name, so that is what you have to Google to find them. Tragically, we will only be able to find them on certain retailers, like Zappos, in MARCH which is a really long time from now, but it'll be worth the wait. RIGHT GUYS? RIGHT?!

Are you guys going to turn on me now? Will you be wearing Fancy Crocs? 

Also, big ups to Refinery 29 for the hot tip.