ARA: Building our polyamorous lifestyle


A reader asks:

My husband and I are polyamorous. We enjoy a committed relationship to each other but are open to seeing others as well. We have both had great experiences dating (and sometimes falling in love with) other people, both individually and as a couple.

Since moving to Albany, however, we have a had a hard time finding new partners. We don’t want to hit on people who don’t want that kind of attention, but we’re getting to be old enough (late 20’s) that most of our peers have partners. Online dating provides us with some prospects, but we prefer to go about meeting people in less formal ways. How should we go about finding other couples with open relationships, or single people who are not looking for monogamous partners?

Categories: ARA, Relationships, Sex
Kristi Gustafson Barlette

26 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    Google Bacchus Party NY. The webpage is down, but you can also find them on myspace here:

    I have no idea what the group is like, but I would say this is exactly what you want.

  2. Elaine says:

    What’s the purpose of being married if you’re going to stray? Why not just be single?

  3. Alli says:

    You say that you don’t want to hit on people who don’t want that kind of attention, but you’re not really going to know until you ask. I know a few people in the area who are poly, and the only way I learned was by getting to know them.

  4. Lola says:

    You could take the approach that typically happens to me… just ask!

    I must have ‘swinger here’ tattooed on my forehead. I have been approached by couples on 3 separate occasions, and invited to join them – and it wasn’t for Bunco. I’m not sure if I should be insulted, or flattered.

  5. JGR says:

    Less formal than meeting swingers online? I didn’t know there was such a thing.

  6. Sean says:

    Is this question real? I mean come on who actually says ” I’ll write OTE and see if an ARA about swinging will be answered”.
    If this person was realy into the group lifestyle, the first place they would go is to the free news paper with the DeCarlo’s ads. The second would have been Craigs List.
    I think if the ARA contributer is serious they would have found what they are looking for anyways.

    • Kristi responds:

      Sean, I wondered the same thing. I did a little research after it came in and, yes, the question appears to be legitimate and not a “let me see if I can get this past her” attempt.

  7. Judy says:

    First thing this group needs to learn – swinging and polyamory are not the same thing. I have friends who swing and prefer the non-commitment of that lifestyle. I have friends who are poly and prefer the commitment of that lifestyle.

    I would recommend checking out for the local area to see if any poly groups have a presence there. If not, the reader could start one and try to find others who share their interests.

  8. Kim says:

    There are big downsides to meeting people online and through swinger’s groups. (And seriously, Craigslist? Have you READ those personals?) A lot of poly couples dislike doing so for the same reasons many single people do. Also, I’d guess that most couples in this situation are closeted. They don’t advertise. Where I used to live near Boston, there were a few bars where you could rely on there being a greater than average chance of others being in open relationships, and if you weren’t sure you could ask if they knew a particularly well-known local poly family. That almost became like a secret password to clue you in to their feelings about such things. I do not know if such things exist here.

  9. Faith says:

    I feel like this reader is just ASKING for a poopstorm of reactions in comments…can’t wait to see the responses, lol

  10. derryX says:

    # 8 – Kim
    You just reminded me. The password is…”Fidelio.” [Eyes Wide Shut humor]

  11. D$ says:

    Just one word……Ewww.

  12. Mick says:

    It’s got to be like anything. You just need to get out there and see. It’s been a few hours and there is no moral firestorm so I think it’s safe to say that readers are biting their tongues if they have issue.

    In this day and age with alarming divorce rates and quickie marriages I’m surprised there aren’t more people that fall into this catagory. The value we put on relationships is not what we were taught to know.

  13. Other says:

    You are not poly amorous. You are swinging.

  14. elmer says:

    What the hey is the “commitment” of polyamory? “I love you, and want a sexual relationship with you–and you–and you….”.

    It’s swinging, sorry. Sounds cooler, and you get to play commitment, but just because you are fooling yourself doesn’t mean the rest of us have to buy it.

    On the other hand, have fun!

  15. G says:

    Dear Reader:

    As you can tell from some of the above comments, Albany people are a judgmental lot. Hopefully this hasn’t soured you on the locals, there are plenty of friendly people here too.

    I’m not poly, though I have many friends who are. They’ve been successful primarily with dating sites.

    I’d also recommend trying to make friends in some of the alternative communities around.

    Try bars on Lark Street and Center Square; the crowd there is more likely to be college to late 20s and is generally more open-minded.

    Good luck!

  16. wants a cracker says:

    Elaine, is it really straying if your spouse approves? And has the right to veto any secondary relationship that makes her feel uncomfortable?

    Elmer and Other: Poly means many, not any.

    I have friends that are truly committed to each other, and also have secondary relationships. It can work, and making it work is actually more work than most people in closed marriages put into their own relationships. It takes a higher level of trust, honesty and communication. If all the parties are fully informed and consenting adults, who are we to judge?

    Who knows? Maybe if Elliot Spitzer and Tiger Woods had poly marriages, they wouldn’t have had to resort to cheating.

  17. Michelle says:

    I think this is a good question For
    Dan Savage

  18. Sarah Rain says:

    #2, Elaine: If the only aspect of marriage you care about is sexual exclusivity, that would make sense.

    #14, Other, and #15, elmer: Do you mean that you do not see a difference between polyamory and swinging, or that you read evidence that this person is swinging?

    I, personally, really like the idea of a secret password. :)

  19. Anonymous from #1 says:

    #8, Having friends who are swingers, and other friends who are poly, I know the difference well, but the two groups do sometimes overlap at swinger’s parties, and I can’t think of any groups exclusively for polyamorous folks in the area- hence my suggestion.

  20. Center Square Gal says:

    I know a bunch of poly people and couples in Albany. The same advice you’d give to singles about getting out there and trying new things to meet people applies to couples as well. Join some clubs, go out to bars. talk to people. And I’m sorry most of the responders have been jerks.

  21. sheryl says:

    Well since I have a few friends that are into this kind of thing…I have heard of and Not to sure how it all works but those are the sites they seems to use.

  22. glenn says:

    Check out sign up for a Satin Dream Sheets party

  23. Bill In Glens Falls says:

    Kristi: Thanks for posting this and treating it seriously.

    It’s a valid question, and there are lot more poly folks out there than people realize.

  24. Jenn says:

    2010?…2 years later…better late than never. I have lived in “SMALLbany” all my life. My husband and I are 35 and have been married for 13 years and have one child. I have always considered myself “BICurious” I absolutly LOVE my husband, I know we are life partners, but I have always had an empty space in my heart (Not one person can give someone the whole 100% to satisfy their parner and sometimes we need to find the other love and comfort and emotional support from other sources.) Through polyamory, my husband and I have grown stronger and we are free to be who we are.
    An answer to your question, and also my favorite quote “Sometimes you gotta create what you want to be a part of.” ~ Geri Weitzman
    Maybe we should try starting a “poly potluck” meet up – maybe once a month?? Something like what NYC does – they have something called
    openloveNY they meet up once a month and have speakers, and its a way for like minded people to meet up, mingle, and have like minded people to have support. I would be VERY INTERESTED in starting up something like this, I just need some help.

  25. C.Daurio says:

    I must live in a cave, I had to google “polyamorous” to even know what the reader was asking! lol