Sad how exh parenting is being influenced by the ow :-(

(21 Posts)
StandingInLine Sun 10-Nov-13 11:18:04

lionessnurturingcubs second wives definitely DO have an influence over partners parenting ,and I won't deny that even though I am a second wife myself. I've always let my partner get on with his own parenting with his children but do expect him to treat our kids the same (which he does naturally)
I couldn't imagine ever telling my partner not to see his kids or to deprive them - that's coming from someone who isn't seen as any kind of parent to his children ,but we do get on.
Some women just don't like being left out of the loop ,or willing to accept that he had a live that didn't involve her.

My dad's stepdad died not too long ago and even though he was no longer with dad's mum who died many years ago he still saw him as a father figure (even though his new wife wasn't too impressed ).
At his funeral ,they left a big gap between his childhood and his new wife. The time he was married to dad's mum. Was heartbreaking that at even after a bereavement she couldn't just get over it and accept that he'd been married before. Makes me mad.

deepfriedsage Sun 10-Nov-13 11:06:30

He sounds like a poor excuse for a Father. Your poor ds. It sounds like with most ow, they have warped thought process and priority issues and he watches hernot care properly for her dc so his standards dropped below par as a result.

RitaFajita Sun 10-Nov-13 11:00:34

Noticed yesterday that Morrison's have booster seats for about a fiver which was less than half the price I paid for one in halfords recently!

MeMySonAndI Sat 09-Nov-13 08:06:38

Not a second wife, but had a partner for many years who had a son from his previous marriage, the only thing I can say is that I DESPAIRED of his parental skills, he felt so strongly about keeping his child happy all the time that his weekend with us were a 48hrs game of Simon says. The child was allowed to chose from what to do to what to eat (he lived in biscuits and fish fingers only). It was horrendous and is one of the main reasons we are no longer together. Incidentally, his ex thought, before divorce, that he was too strict with the child.

So, I would say, don't blame the new partner, most new partners/wives know that when it comes to the children if previous relationships, you may have some "inflence" but the final word rests with the parent.

Fight for the carseat but don't sweat the small stuff.

Lionessnurturingcubs Fri 08-Nov-13 09:19:58

You're better off without him!
My ex, for a long time after we split used to be an OK dad. Lots of girlfriends and similar things like McDonalds etc but nothing too insurmountable. Cue next wife (in a string of failed marriages!) and then things became impossible, several serious & traumatic incidents, and then he terminated all contact.
The OW undoubtedly has an influence in how ex partners behave, even if it is subconsciously, and to say they don't is ridiculous.
All you can do is Stick to your guns on the serious issues, and try and teach your DCs right from wrong on the other stuff.

Monetbyhimself Fri 08-Nov-13 08:08:40

I hear you. Takeaways used to be a 'waste if money and only for lazy chavs'

I can only assume that he and OW are very rich, lazy chavs wink

BlackeyedSusan Fri 08-Nov-13 01:13:02

given tht he rn off ith the other women, he is not really one for sticking to things is he?

skyeskyeskye Tue 05-Nov-13 23:23:44

Before XH walked out we agreed that we didn't want DD eating McDonalds very often, that it should be a treat, not something we did every time we went into town.

Fast forward several months, he walks out, has DD every other weekend and always takes her to McD's, sometimes twice in one weekend.

So he obviously didn't mean what he said previously.

Stand firm on the car seat , that is safety, but there's not a lot you can do about other things.

he wouldn't let me eat it if he was with me!

He did you a favour by leaving. What a twat!

And yes they are very cheap. Cheap at any price regardless, when it's the safety of your child at stake. Again; twat!

Sasquatch75 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:12:09

Thanks waltermittymissus. I really hope he's bought a booster seat this week... They're only about a tenner aren't they?!

Sasquatch75 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:09:13

Standinginline that's very interesting! I wonder if he'll start taking them to Macdonalds etc now - he would never let the boys eat that sort of food before. Even when I was pregnant he wouldn't let me eat it if he was with me!

What a shit!

Well, I agree that you should pick your battles but definitely stick to your guns about not buying it yourself.

Regarding the booster seat however you are categorically not being unreasonable and I wouldn't let my son go with him unless he has a booster in future.

Sorry he's done this to you all flowers

Sasquatch75 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:05:11

Fair question - he isn't usually one to be influenced, but as her kids are 7 and 9, maybe our boys see them having dr pepper and want the same and he just wants them to be happy. I haven't mentioned that to him anyway, just told my boys no I won't be buying them that. I went a bit crazy at him when my son told me about the booster seat though!

And yes, he introduced them to the ow and her kids 6 weeks after leaving... Though they've only just found out who she really is (he kept telling them she was his 'friend').

StandingInLine Tue 05-Nov-13 22:31:06

If he's easily influenced by her then he would've been by you when you two were together.
I'm a second wife and know that his parenting skills are completely different from when he was with his ex. Not because I've said anything but when you're in a partnership you tend to mimic eachother when it comes to parenting (and other things).

KellyHopter Tue 05-Nov-13 22:30:45

Shittier than any of that is this kids being introduced to a new partner so quickly.

Yeah but my exh was the one who influenced me, not the other way around... He's a very headstrong person who won't take crap from anyone! If he doesn't agree with something, you'll know about it

Then why assume it's the OW's influence? Genuine question.

starlight1234 Tue 05-Nov-13 22:27:49

I agree and disagree..

Yes son should have a booster seat something that should not be compromised on.

The fizzy drinks may be a way of treating , guilt not been with mum, trying to show how much he loves them...not the ideal way I know.I also agree with last poster the OW is not responsible he is. He may be seeing how she is raising her child and be influenced by that..We are all influenced by things we see around us but ultimately he is the one responsible for the care of his son.

My advise pick you battles.....The booster seat is not ok but what he does during his weekend are very difficult to control

Sasquatch75 Tue 05-Nov-13 17:23:41


Anyway, basic safety shouldn't be an issue. My 6 year old is nowhere near the 135cm safe height to travel without a car seat.

lostdad Tue 05-Nov-13 13:44:50

That's what happens when parents separate and end up with new partners. So long as the children are safe and their best interests are met it doesn't matter. A difference in parenting styles is inevitable.

As Milly says - it is not the OW, it is your ex who is responsible for what does and doesn't happen.

MillyONaire Tue 05-Nov-13 13:31:34

Or does this mean that he was influenced by your way of doing things? I am a second wife and I know fine well that so much blame for dh's behaviour is put at my door by his ex. But the truth is that, in our case, dh is always going to take the path of least resistance and if it's something that I feel strongly about then I nag him to follow suit but if I'm not around then he takes the lazy option - as he did with his and his ex's children - which was never good enough for her (sometimes with good reason). HE has the obligation to your children - not the ow. If he is allowing them to have fizzy drinks on his watch then she cannot take blame (or credit) for that as they're his children/his responsibility.

Sasquatch75 Tue 05-Nov-13 13:17:39

We used to agree on everything but now since he left 3 months ago, it's amazing how things have changed and I can only assume it's the ow!

The other day they all went out for the day and thought it was ok that our 6 year old didn't have a booster seat in the car. It was a 45 min journey to the beach and back, not just across town. A few months ago exh would NEVER have put his son's life in possible danger like that! When he picked the kids up, he had a booster seat for him, but that was the ow's 7 year old son's. Don't worry, he WILL be getting a booster seat for our son before he picks him up again.

They also have started with the fizzy drinks. Now I don't mind a treat every now and then, but they're having Dr Pepper every time they see him and that contains the same amount of caffeine as coke. Not great for a 4 year old. Another thing that exh would NEVER have given our kids a few months ago.

Just think it's sad how things have changed...

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