Disclaimer: I do not own Tamora Pierce's characters - she does.

Author's note: Jerry Springer meets Doctor Phil meets Tamora Pierce meets treanz-alyce's warped humor. Features all your favourite dysfunctional couples, so feel free to suggest more and ask your own questions to the couples!

Hope you enjoy, and feel free to email or review me with any suggestions of couples, and any questions or suggestions or problems/solutions! Flames are a waste of time, for I will use them to burn you up! You have been warned (don't tempt me people)


Chapter 1

Treanz: Hello, and welcome to the first episode of Dr Treanz-alyce's Couple Counseling, Tortallan version. I am Dr Treanz-Alyce, your counselor and host. Please give a warm welcome to our first guests, King Jonathon the third, and Queen Thayet, of Tortall. Jon, Thayet, please sit so we can-

Jon: That's King Jonathon to a commoner like that of yourself. I demand my rightful respect.

Thayet: Oh, shut up, she can call you whatever she wants. It's not her fault you are such a prissy prig.

Jon: Me? A prissy prig? Oh, that is so rich coming from someone who practically died the first time she broke a nail.

Thayet: I did not die. I only fainted. There is a difference you know. Oh, but wait, I forgot, you were too busy screwing your CHAMPION to realize. How silly of me.

Jon: How dare you! I am the King, you know! And you were the one who was busy screwing my PRIME MINISTER, if I remember correctly.

Thayet: At least I didn't sleep with someone who tried to kill me at my own coronation *cough* Delia *cough*.

Treanz: That's enough, both of you. It is obvious you have some, er, problems that we need to work through. Before we begin, smile and wave at the cameras so the audience can get a good look at you. I mean, it's not everyday we have such screwed-up royalty on the show.

Thayet: What are cameras? Gosh, do I look alright? *frantically looks around studio for a mirror*

Jon: Never mind you; do I look good? *smoothes out beard several times, and practices smiling*

Treanz: *sighs, shaking head* never mind. Now, how long have you been married?

Thayet: Too long.

Jon: I agree

Treanz: That's a great start! You agree on something. Hang on, wait, no-no, that's not good! We need positive things, people. What positive things, even just memories, come to mind when you thing of your marriage?

Jon: Uh..

Thayet: Um..

Jon: Hm..

Thayet: Let me see .. Hey, is this a trick question?

Treanz: No

Jon: Well, there was this one time .. Wait, no, that was Alanna, sorry ..

Thayet: What about that once when we .. Oops, nah, nope, not with Jon ..

Jon: Er..

Thayet: Uh..

Jon: Drawing blanks here..

Thayet: I can't remember any yet .. Give me a couple of hours ..

Treanz: Can't you think of anything? Anything at all? You cannot be serious.

Thayet: Well, I guess I do get to wear all sorts of nice gowns and expensive jewelry, and, well, I suppose that everyone does do everything I say just because I'm the queen.

Jon: Now that I think of it, I do get to rub that I have the most beautiful wife in the world in the faces of all the noblemen and foreign kings. Too bad she's not beautiful inside. *sniggers* She's not that beautiful outside, if you look closely, really. Red hair is so much sexier than boring black.

Thayet: Well, if I'm so ugly, why do you brag about me so much?

Jon: It's not like I actually like you that much. I just like making them jealous.

Treanz: Well, from what I can see of your marriage so far, the pair of you have some faithfulness issues, Jon, you are a bit of a possessive egomaniac, and Thayet, you have serious vanity problems. And that's just what I've concluded after ten minutes of conversation. Let's start with your affairs. Now, how many children do you have?

Thayet: Five

Jon: uh, let me see *counting on fingers* .. Four, five, six, seven, eight! Eight kids. Hang on, wait *pauses* yep, that's right, eight.

Thayet: But we only have five; Roald, Kalasin, Liam, Lianne and Jasson. Where did the extra three come from Jon? Hey, what are you not telling me?

Jon: *mumbles*

Thayet: What was that?

Jon: I sort of *mumble-mumble* accidental *mumble-mumble* secret *mumble- mumble* payoff.

Thayet: I still didn't get that, Jonathon. Explain yourself now. *threateningly picks up lethal looking nail file*

Jon: I sort of got a couple of court ladies pregnant, but it was accidental, so they agreed to keep it secret if I gave them a huge payoff. Happy?

Thayet: *sobbing* Jon, how could you?

Jon: Easy. I just-

Treanz: That's alright Jon, we don't need a recount. Here Thayet *hands tissue box*.

Thayet: I probably look like a hag.

Jon: Come to think of it, you always have borne some resemblance to the Graveyard Hag .. I mean, besides the smell ..

Thayet: I do not smell. You are just a nasty, selfish, arrogant, pompous .. Pickle-head!

Jon: How dare you call me a pickle-head, you-

Treanz: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! Thank you. Now, I think we should work on Jon's unfaithfulness. Thayet, how does it make you feel when Jon cheats on you?

Thayet: *sobbing again* It makes me feel sad, and insignificant, and unloved, and unwanted.

Jon: (under his breath) maybe because you are ..

Treanz: *stern* Jon, it is Thayet's turn now, don't let me remind you again. *smiles sarcastic counselor's smile* Thayet, you really should have been a player, you almost had me fooled.

Thayet: Thank you Doctor, you know, I have always been a pretty good actress.

Treanz: That's, uh, nice. Alright, now Thayet, have you ever cheated on Jon?

Thayet: Of course! *giggles* Did you think I would let that prat have all the fun?

Jon: WHAT!

Treanz: Jon, it is still Thayet's turn. Be quiet or I will put you on time out. *shakes head* we are really going to have to work on you soon, before I begin to get really mad. Now, back to you Thayet; would you consider your affairs as betrayal?

Thayet: No, not really. I wouldn't even consider Jon as a real man *smirks* now, Gary or Raoul, on the other hand! I mean Gary; wow!


Treanz: let's find out! Here comes our next guest, Gary

*screen in background turns on, showing Gary walking through backstage, and then onto stage. He waves at the audience, and sits down on the fourth chair*

Gary: *smiles and waves* Hello Jon, Thayet, Doctor Treanz-Alyce.

Treanz: Hello Gary. Now, do you know why you are here?

Gary: Sort of. I know Thayet has something to tell Jon.

Treanz: Yes, she does. Thayet, would you like to tell your husband something?

Thayet: *tearfully turns to Jon* I have a confession that has been weighing on my mind lately. I need to get rid of my guilt, so I have decided to come clean. *pauses, looking uncertain*

Treanz: *rubs hands together* Good, good, go on, this is always my favourite part!

Thayet: *takes deep breath* Jon, I have been sleeping with your cousin.

Jon: *stares blankly* my cousin? Do you mean .. Roger? .. But, but he's dead .. Alanna killed him .. Twice *comprehension dawns* .. EW! Thayet, that is just disgusting! EW! EW! YUCK! EW! And I let you share my bed! YUCK!

Thayet: Not Roger you idiot, I mean Gary; you know, Duke Gareth of Naxen; your other cousin. Duh.

Jon: *relaxes* Oh. Well, that's alright, because I've been sleeping with Duchess Cythera, his wife, for years anyway.

Gary, Thayet and Treanz: WHAT?

Jon: *blushes* oops. That was a secret. Cythera is going to kill me.

Treanz: *grins broadly* Well, let's see her reaction now, because we have her backstage. Welcome, Cythera!

*screen in background turns on, showing Cythera walking through backstage, and then onto stage. she waves at the audience, and sits down on the fifth chair*

Treanz: Hello Cythera.

Cythera: Hello Doctor Treanz-Alyce. What are Gary, Jon and Thayet doing here?

Treanz: I'll explain that. Now, just to recap what you've missed. Jon and Thayet have been fighting, so we are trying to work through their problems. They have been cheating on each other, and Thayet has admitted that she has been sleeping with Gary

Cythera: *jumps up angrily* Thayet, how could you?

Thayet: *jumps up as well* Me? You have been sleeping with my husband, you cow.

Cythera: That's not the same.

Treanz: *interested* Sit down, both of you please. Now, Cythera, how is you sleeping with Jon not the same as Thayet sleeping with Gary?

Cythera: Well, Jon sleeps with almost every court lady, while Gary doesn't.

Gary: I don't? *hurriedly* I mean, of course I don't!

Thayet: *stands up angrily* How could you Gary? Cheating on me, while I was cheating on Jon, who was cheating on me with your wife, who was cheating on you! You bastard! *tries unsuccessfully to pick up chair to throw at Gary. Settles for water glass instead* I hate you. *throws glass at Gary*

Cythera: *jumps back up* Gary is my husband! How dare you! Abuse your own! *jumps towards Thayet viciously. Cat fight ensures*

Jon, Gary and audience: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Treanz: *snaps fingers* Guards! *Burly guards drag kicking and screaming Thayet and Cythera apart* Cythera! You should have more self control than that. *Thayet pokes tongue out at Cythera, who does the same back* and you, Thayet; you are a queen, for Mithros sake! Act like it.

Thayet: Ok, I will! *screeches* off with her head! Off with her head! Off with her-

Treanz: Five minutes in time out, Thayet. We are not doing an Alice in Wonderland recital. *looks around tiredly* Gary, Cythera, I am going to have to bade you two farewell. You simply cause too much trouble. With Jon and Thayet alone, I already need Lord Wyldon or someone strict here, but he's not scheduled to be on the show, and I don't want more work; as I am already having enough trouble with these royal brats. Maybe you two can come back in a few episodes, but until then, I'm sending you back. *snaps fingers. Gary and Cythera disappear*

Jon: That was fun. Can we do that again?

Treanz: NO. Shut up. I really don't want to deal with you right now, but our segment isn't over yet, so we have to continue. Now, while Thayet is on time out, we can work on your ego problems. Now, how would you describe yourself?

Jon: I'm the best King in the world. I am handsome, powerful, smart, strong and everyone loves me. I mean, who wouldn't

Treanz: Right, well at the end of this episode, feel free, reviewers, to place your bids on this prat. *smiles sweetly at Jon* now, do you ever feel insecure?

Jon: Nope.

Treanz: Are you sure?

Jon: Yep.

Treanz: Really?

Jon: Yep.

Treanz: Really really?

Jon: Yep.

Treanz: Really really really?


Treanz: settle down, you skitz. Now, we need to bring you down to earth a bit.

Jon: Ew, I hate earth. It's gross and dirties my clean clothes.

Treanz: Right .. Well, I think the best way to make you less sensitive, egoistic and self-centered, is to point out your faults. Then hopefully you will realize that you are not perfect.

Jon: Me, not perfect? Surely you jest, fair maiden; for your abundance of wit and intelligence should tell you that I am practically a mortal incarnation of a divine one though!

Treanz: Sucking up to me is doing now good, Jon .. Do you really think I am a fair maiden? You know, you are kind of hot, even if you are a bit old for me .. Wait, no, you are a guest on my show. I cannot become infatuated with you. *takes deep breath* I will not fall for Jon. I will not fall for Jon. I will not fall for Jon .. Jon, would you like to take me out to dinner after the show?

Thayet: *back from time out* HEY! I thought you were supposed to solve our problems, not create more.

Treanz: *scowls* oh yeah. *whispers, passing Jon a slip of paper discreetly* Here's my number anyway, call me on my cell phone sometime

Jon: What's a cell phone?

Treanz: Never mind. Now, back to your faults. Thayet, can you think of any faults your husband has?

Thayet: *grins evilly* Where do I start? Physical faults, like his sixth toe or lack of chest hair?

Jon: Thayet! I can't believe you just told everyone that!

Thayet: *ignoring Jon* Emotional faults, like his mood swings and constant crying?

Jon: *sniffles, tears welling up in his eyes* I do not cry. I am a big boy now.

Thayet: What about his attachment to Reginald, the teddy bear he has had since he was seven? He still sleeps with her. Even our youngest child no longer sleeps with a stuffed animal. And don't let me get started on his constant need to be told how supposedly wonderful he is.

Jon: It's not my fault I am insecure. On the topic, what about your flaws, Thayet? You have to be reassured that you are still the most beautiful in the realm every morning.

Treanz: Oh my gosh, that so sounds like that evil stepmother in Snow White! *Jon and Thayet glare at her* Sorry, go on. These screaming matches are good for your marriage .. Ok, maybe not. But they are good for the shows ratings and my paycheck anyway. *shrugs*

Jon: You make out as if you are a tough queen, but I know better. You don't leave our chambers without face paint; you carry at least five secret mirrors with you at all times; you have someone on call at all hours incase you break a nail or your face-paint is slightly messed up; you even-

Thayet: I DO NOT!


Thayet: DO NOT!

Jon: DO!

Thayet: NOT!

Jon: DO!

Thayet: NOT!

Jon: DO!

Thayet: NOT!

Jon: Your lip colour is uneven.

Thayet: *screams* Oh no! Fernando! Quick, help!

Jon: *smirks* told you so ..

Fernando: *runs onstage; bows* your majesty, whatever is the problem?

Thayet: My lip colour is not even!

Fernando: *gasps* NO!

Thayet: *tearful* YES! Quick, before everyone notices!

Fernando: *pulls out make-up kit, and fixes Thayet's lip colour.* Ta da! *bows and runs offstage*

Thayet: *pulls out hidden mirror and checks appearance* oh, what a darling, he did such an excellent job! *puts mirror away, flips hair over should, sits up straighter, and fake smiles* so where were we?

Treanz: *asleep* Zzzzzzz ..

Jon: *pokes Treanz* hello? *pokes her again* Doctor?

Treanz: *jumps awake* argh! What? No, please don't make me do it! Anything but that! *sees Jon* Oh, hello, it's just you *scowls* is Thayet finished yet?

Jon: I don't know; I wasn't really paying attention. Last time I did, it bored me to tears

Thayet: *triumphant* I told you he had mood swings

Jon: You are one to talk. You have PMS even when you don't have your monthlies

Treanz: ENOUGH! Argh! What am I going to do with you? *picks up envelope on side table, opens it and reads it* I see. Hmm, interesting theory; it might just work, you know!

Thayet: What will?

Jon: Did we win something?

Treanz: Sort of. Courtesy of St Looney's Psychiatric Center, one of Couple Counseling's sponsors, you two will be spending a month on a desert island in the middle of no where. You will have no contact with the outside world, only basic supplies, and will hopefully either learn to love each other, or at least manage to get along with each other. If you kill the other person, you are disqualified.

Thayet: Does accidental poisioning the other count?

Treanz: Yes

Jon: What about hiring other people to do it?

Treanz: Yep.

Thayet: This is so not fair! I can't believe this! A months with him?

Jon: What about my kingdom?

Treanz: You have a son don't you?

Jon: yes, but-

Treanz: I'm sure he'll enjoy taking Tortall for a test drive

Thayet: *Pale* oh my

Treanz: Well, then, if everything is clear *snaps fingers. Burly guards appear again* Enjoy your stay! Take them away *Burley guards stride forward and pick up Jon and Thayet

Thayet: No!!!!!

Jon: Unhand me, that is an order.

Treanz: Ignore them. Have fun guys!!!

*Jon and Thayet disappear from view*

Treanz: Well, that was an interesting episode, wasn't it? Make sure to tune in for our next show, on which our guests will be the most requested couple! Push the button below that says review, and request your favourite love interest pairs! I hope you enjoyed the show, but it is over now so I'll see you next week! This Doctor Treanz-Alyce, signing off the first episode of Couple Counseling, Tortallan version! And remember, don't get your feet dirty; walk all over everyone else! Until next time then!