This Is About Pucks-not Bucs

December 14, 1990|By Bernie Lincicome.

Yes, it is apparently true that hockey is headed south, not an original destination, nor one usually associated with games requiring more than one glove.

The tropics are not a familiar place for ice unless there is rum wrapped around it.

Yet, hockey will soon be down among the sheltering palms, though no one has yet seen an actual forechecker flinching at a single palmetto bug.

It says here that Tampa will join Ottawa as the next outpost of winter`s grand game, which is a little like inviting a surfer and a snowmobiler to the same party. One of them is going to be underdressed.

To help my friends in Tampa adjust to hockey, I have compiled a list of everything anyone needs to know about the game.

The puck. The object of the game is to see it. No one ever has. Hockey is mostly one long parlor trick.

The blue line. There are two of these, called Mason and Dixon, except in French-speaking Quebec, where they are called Yves and Gaeton. The red one in the middle is bilingual and usually called Jean, pronounced John.

Icing. There is way too much of this to my way of thinking.

O Canada. This is where they give the hockey scores at the beginning of the sports report instead of at the end.

Wayne Gretzky. What Michael Jordan is to basketball, Gretzky is to hockey. What Jack Nicklaus is to golf, Gretzky is to hockey. What Bo Jackson is to footwear, Gretzky is to hockey. Has his own teeth, too.

Television. What hockey is to network TV, a lamppost is to a dachsund.

Zamboni. This is where the pucks hide so no one will find them.

Hockey goons. These are misunderstood players who are seeking either love or a place at the top of the food chain.

Orr. Generally 17 down in the Sunday crossword puzzle.

Power play. Anything written by Eugene O`Neill or acted in by Jason Robards.

Slap shot. The reason goalies wear masks.

The crease. This is the longest scar on a goalie`s face. The reason they wear their masks into singles bars.

The neutral zone. Any place that does not hate Dino Ciccarelli.

Edmonton. Hardly worth the trouble of getting there.

Face off. All hockey fights are stopped at the point where everyone`s face is so bloody it is unrecognizable. The last one to have his face ``off`` is sent to . . .

. . . The penalty box. This is where an offender is allowed to take bows and eat the raw meat that fans throw to him.

Major penalty. Liver.

Minor penalty. Sushi.

Penalty killing. Not to be confused with mercy killing, though the result is the same.

Skates. Incredibly this was the given name of the four men after whom the divisions of the NHL are named, Skates Smythe, Skates Adams, Skates Norris and Skates Patrick. The two conferences were named after Cecil Wales and Humphrey Campbell, but they liked to be called Skates, too.

A hat trick. My favorite is the one with the rabbit.

The Stanley Cup. Usually right between the Stanley Bowl and the Stanley Saucer.

High sticking. Grant Fuhr in goal.

The third period. The period you listen to on the radio on the way home pretending you knew all along that the game wasn`t over after two halves.

The rink. Hockey is best enjoyed when the water is very hard.

I hope I have been of some help.