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~ Some random guy on Thermodynamics
“The First Law of Thermodynamics is that you do not talk about thermodynamics”
~ Ed Norton on Thermodynamics
~ Parallel Universe Adolf Hitler, on Thermodynamics

Being burned by ice is a paradox in thermodynamics.

Thermosdynamics is the quantitative study of ThermosesTM and the contents therein. It is usually concerned with keeping hot things hot, and keeping cold things cold. Few advancements have occurred in the field of Thermosdynamics since the invention of the ThermosTM, with the exception of the addition of the screw-off top that doubles as a soup cup.

Thermodynamics is the quantitative study of thermos systems and their changes over time. The primary question explored by modern thermodynamics is "Where can I get a free lunch?" While current theories postulate that the transmitigation of energy and matter in a closed system is no longer feasible due to the expansion of understood systems into multi-dimensional transactional vector frameworks, most academics working in the field are still looking for a cup of hot soup, a sandwich of some kind, possibly bologna, along with a small bag of potato crisps or chips, and a medium Coke, all for exactly zero monetary output. Thus far, their efforts have yielded only hints of success, namely the acquisition of a few cookies and a hunk of birthday cake. Not surprisingly, scientists have also been trying to embed the free lunch in 4 dimensional space... to no avail.

Thermodynamics History


Physicist Enrico Fermi gets down with some thermo.

Like most things, thermodynamics was "discovered" by Isaac Newton, reading from secret alchemy manuscripts originally written by Oscar Wilde. Newton was reading the manuscripts underneath an apple tree when an apple fell and exploded. From that, Newton deduced that energy, mass and gravity were all the same if they fall from trees. After 20 years of additional calculations, he discarded the entire "tree" notion in favor of energy derived from multiple parallel universes. Unfortunately, the parallel universe stuff was lost in the mail, which is typical.

All Thermodynamics founders committed suicide or are already dead in their souls because it's a depressive science.

Just about the time you think that maybe you've beaten the odds and found some interesting way to either get energy/mass from nowhere (the legendary Free Lunch), or have figured out a way to get rid of energy, some smart-ass grad student with obviously no social life points out where you made a mistake in your measurements.

You could wait around for Heat Death (above), but despite the name, it's really not all that hot, and who has that kind of time, anyway?

Laws of Thermodynamics

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Thermodynamics.

The Laws of thermodynamics are divided into Codes, and the codes are divided into paragraphs and chapters,.

The primary thermodynamic laws are:

  • You do NOT talk about thermodynamics
  • The Preservation of Energy Code
  • The Increasing Disorder Code
  • The Equilibrium Violation Penalty Code
  • The Irreversibility Amendment
  • The Holy Sharia of Turbulence
  • The Kyoto Protocol
  • The Anti Perpetuum Mobile Legislation
  • The law that you will never be able to apply because you are too stupid like a bat fuck insane

The first chapters of the thermodynamic Codes generally consists of a range of Divine prerequisites, cosmic variables, scientific assumptions and general philosophical postulates. Then follows a declaration that the following paragraphs are Absolute and Indisputable, with a listing of exceptions that are dispositive through Chance, Control equipment misreadings, Magic, Divine Interventions, Miracles, or Beatification.

Thereafter comes the bulk text consisting of the paragraphs against harmful conclusions, inhibited phenomenas, negative Kelvin degrees, wishful thinking and one way streets of unreason.

The last chapters consists of the penalty ranges for Law transgressions, normally ranging from simply Joule fines, brutal awakenings all the way up to excessive exercises in non-linear differential equation calculus.

It is as well a joke from your professor.

Perpetual Motion Machines

The Anti Perpetuum Mobile Legislation strikes down hard at perpetual motion machines. They are looked upon as a brand infringement on the Cosmic Eternity Trade Mark owned by God. They also consist a major threat to the oil industry and other actors on the energy market, so their eventual prescense are being heavily struck down upon by legal measures.

Such machines may therefore not be produced by Universities, corporate research centers or any other form of real Science institution. However, half-crazed individuals toiling away for years in some dark home laboratory are harder to reach. They can therefore come up with pretty perpetual results beyond the hempering factor of governmental control.

Unfortunately, more often than not, perpetual motion machines end up spinning out of control and decapitating their creators. This open up the opportunity for men in the Black helicopters to rush into the crackpot's workshop, restore order and steal everything of value.

Implementations in other fields

Thermodynamics for Dummies

For economists, politicians and americans, the laws of thermodynamic can be translated to:

  1. You can't win, you can only break even.
  2. You can only break even at absolute zero.
  3. You can never reach absolute zero.
  4. Energy doesn't really go anywhere, so why bother?
  5. You're a dummy, dont even try

Ginsberg's Theorem

A modern statement of the four laws of thermodynamics in political science

  1. You can't win.
  2. You can never break even.
  3. You can't get out of the game.
  4. Go straight to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:

  Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful
  is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.

To wit:


Social Dynamics

Even in social science, the Laws of thermodynamics can be applied with a small adjustment.

  1. The amount of information (measured in MegaGossip: MG) exchanged between people in a closed room remains constant over time.
  2. The value of this information (measured in centiNews per MG: \frac{cN}{MG} ) is proportional to the difference in the peoples information level.
  3. Due to the constant MegaGossip, this difference decrease logarithmically with time.
  4. Hence, \frac{d\frac{cN}{MG}}{dT}<0 that means, the informative value of the gossip in a closed social context decreases with time until total stupidity is reached. This fact is known as the Law of BS.
  5. The only way to avoid stupidity is to stop talking (against rule nr 1.) or expand the social context by adding more individuals.
  6. The latter solution slows down the process of idioticy, but expands the process to a greater scale. At the end, the entire universe is threatened by a global information collapse known as the "Death of Cosmic Boredom"

What to do when your career in Thermodynamics is over

There are many, many opportunities for the washed-up thermodynamicist, including:

  • Operating an ICEE machine in a K-Mart, which garners all the prestige and personal satisfaction you might imagine.
  • Don't worry McDonalds will hire anyone.
  • Becoming a retail consultant in the home refrigeration field. Selling refrigerators is the perfect way to demonstrate your expertise at thermodynamics while making a fine living, with wage and commission.
  • Don't ever teach thermodynamics. Nobody will love you for that.
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