


What NOT to say to someone in a wheelchair

Holly Warland Ramp Up Updated 5 Jun 2013 (First posted 3 Jun 2013)
Holly Warland

Wheelchair users are people too. Holly Warland has put together a guide on what not to say on your next encounter with a wheelchair user. Credit: Holly Warland


There is no special club that all wheelchair users belong to and no, they don't all know each other. From her personal encounters, Holly Warland shares some of the things that you really should not ask someone in a wheelchair.

I've been in my seat prison for 9 years. I have Limb Girdle Muscular Dystrophy which involves the breakdown of proteins in my muscles, leaving me progressively weaker as time goes on. It affects all of my muscles from the neck down, so my speech and cognition isn't impaired at all. Luckily this is the case; otherwise I wouldn't have the capacity to sigh loudly when people say stupid things to me about my disability.

I've been in a wheelchair since I was a teenager, yet I'm still surprised when people open their mouths and something blatantly inappropriate comes out. I get it from a wide range of people from all walks of life including classmates, cab drivers, strangers on the street and university professors. I was actually encouraged to write this article by one of my university lecturers after I told her about my common encounters with these situations. We had a good laugh, but I can't help but think it might be beneficial to let the general public know what NOT to say to people in wheelchairs, regardless of how considerate and caring you think you are.

I devised this list of things you should not say to or ask people in a wheelchair, all from personal experience:

  • DO NOT tell someone in a wheelchair that "everything happens for a reason". There is no deep and spiritual reason behind their terrible accident, or debilitating disease.
  • DO NOT ask someone in a wheelchair if they know [insert name here] because "they're in a wheelchair too". We're not all friends who share special disability handshakes. As far as I know, we don't have weekly wheelchair club meetings. If we do, I haven't been invited.
  • DO NOT ask someone in a wheelchair, "What's wrong with you?" or "What happened?" Unless you want my smart arse response of "Bear fight", don't ask, because it's none of your business.
  • DO NOT pat people in wheelchairs. We're not dogs. Don't pat our heads or shoulders. It's incredibly condescending.
  • DO NOT tell people in wheelchairs that they're inspiring. We're not here to make you feel warm and fuzzy. We're normal human beings getting up out of bed every day and getting on with life. If we've done something amazing with our lives, call us inspiring, amazing, anything you like, but don't make a big deal about normal, everyday feats we achieve. It's patronising and I find it puts a lot of pressure on the person in a wheelchair to always be upbeat and positive for other people. Keeping up a facade of a perfect inspirational life is tiring.
  • DO NOT approach people in wheelchairs and ask if you can pray for them. This isn't a case of religious discrimination; all religions annoy me. Don't assume that firstly, I need your prayer or help, and secondly, that your god can help me. Furthermore, don't prey on the disabled by taking advantage of their possibly vulnerable mental state. If you're in a wheelchair, just use my trick - tell them you'd rather they do something useful and donate to charity!
  • If you've read this and realised you've said or done some of these things, don't worry. I know people usually approach me with good intentions and they often seem friendly or caring. I think a large part of the problem is simply innocent ignorance. Ultimately I believe most people try to be considerate and helpful, but in doing so, they make hurtful assumptions.

    It's only rarely that such comments and actions really annoy or affect me. After nearly 10 years in a wheelchair, I've developed a thick skin and have become used to inconsiderate comments being part of the territory. I only worry about those who are new to using a wheelchair and may become upset over these ignorant comments from others.

    So the next time you interact with someone in a wheelchair, remember these rules. And remember that if you break them, it really hurts when a wheelchair is deliberately run over your foot.

    Holly Warland is a writer from the Sunshine Coast and blogs at hollywarland.com. She's currently writing her honours thesis, working as a Youth Ambassador for Headspace and volunteering with local youth mental health organisations.

    Comments (33)


    • nicholas :

      07 Nov 2013 10:48:45pm

      this article is hilarious of course i agree with everything



    • Joe :

      28 Jul 2013 5:07:55am

      I'm a part time wheelchair user with multiple sclerosis I have been shocked at the stupidity I hear on my bad days when out in the chair. "Can I pray for you? "( Is there some rule your god has where you need my consent). " Can you get an erection?" ( why don't you/ girlfriend/mom sit right here and find out) " I knew a man that never gave up and is walking again ( we are not all in these chairs for the same reason. Wanting it bad enough is not going fix everything).

      Truth is while sitting in chair we look unintimiating. I find me most are afraid to look and those that do act the same as a small child with question and no real intent of being rude.

    • Morandir Armson :

      26 Jun 2013 4:19:37pm

      I really love it when, on being told that my disability was caused by a brain injury, an able-bodied person smiles sweetly at me and says "Oh, you're not DIS-abled". Yeah? Ya reckon? Because I swear I was born with two arms and two legs that both worked until I had that haemorrhage and suddenly my left side didn't work. So don't you DARE minimise my disability. I had something that was taken away from me. I am the sum of ALL my experiences – including the icky ones you'd rather not acknowledge.

      • Ish :

        07 Jul 2013 1:11:15pm

        Yes I know I had somone bend down and tap on my splint the other day and then proceed to ask me what happend and I told her I am paralysed on my right side and she looked up at me and said oh darling you don't look it!!

    • gregor :

      25 Jun 2013 8:38:07pm

      a cab driver once asked me if i was able to get an erection!
      I told him it depends who's asking!

    • rebecca :

      14 Jun 2013 1:11:20am

      I get patted on the head all the time. My response is "Do I look like a dog?" I have been in a wheelchair since a young age. I have SB and cannot walk. I get questions asked to me like "Why are you in the chair? How come you cannot walk?" Mostly it's little kids who ask those questions. I take that as an opportunity to teach them about the fact that everyone is different. and even though I am in the wheelchair, and have to do things differently as others, that we can all still do anything we put our minds to. The ones who really bug me are the adults who come up and say "What's wrong with you?" or "What happened to you?" Nothing HAPPENED, I was born with a disability

    • Vicki FC :

      13 Jun 2013 6:11:00pm

      I got patted on the head twice today. I said 'woof woof', they looked confused.

      Aaaanyhow, chimed in to say, I've been using my wheelchair to get around for 15 years now and while all comments/questions just roll off my back now, I STILL see red when 'uprights' say to me "At least it gets you out of the house"

      They STILL think we're house bound and miserable?

    • anne :

      12 Jun 2013 5:06:04pm

      Nicely written Holly and love the humourous approach to get people thinking :-)

      Traci, see the person, not the disability....or in this case, the wheelchair. What does it matter to you what happened? Why do you think someone like Holly should share their personal story with you or tell you about a personal medical condition? Not lecturing but just can't see why people have to know. Curiousity? If Holly was in a wheelchair with a cast on her leg, you would assume she broke her leg. In a wheelchair with no obvious sign of what's wrong? Assume its some kind of disability until the person in the wheelchair decides whether they want to share their story with you or not.

      I am not in a wheelchair but I work in disabilities and I see society's inherent assumptions and prejudices everyday. Often the person saying or looking or taking a photo or staring is not aware of the impact they have on the person with disability. I think Holly is just asking people to think about it from her point of view for a change instead of their own.

    • Traci :

      10 Jun 2013 9:37:23pm

      Unfortunately, by telling us not to ask you what happened, are we supposed to pretend we cannot see? We are making a genuine effort to care. I think it is a natural early question. Are we supposed to pretend the chair isn't there?

      I understand most of the other points, people say dumb and insensitive things, but as of now I probably would not say anything, because I would be so afraid of getting written up in someone's article.

      Oh, and yes, I speak to everyone in an elevator. It's just my personality. It has nothing to do with your wheelchair. We are supposed to get it right, but you make incorrect assumptions about people you meet also.

      • StBob :

        14 Jun 2013 5:25:56pm

        Traci - you are a good person. Talking to people is fine. You take the risk that anyone, abled or disabled, might be having a bad day. The thing that annoyed me when I was always in a wheelchair (as opposed to just at home) was passing someone else in a wheelchair and giving them a smile. Not a big broad "we should be besties cause we are wheelies" smile, just a quick "good on you mate for getting out here like me". So many, not all, just keep the 1000km death stare like they haven't even seen you. So many people with disability are their own worst enemy. You're having a shit day so smile at someone and make it better.

    • StBob :

      08 Jun 2013 6:14:04pm

      Dear Holly, why so brittle? When I was doing a PhD in the UK 25 years ago (well before I acquired my disability) I was fortunate enough to meet Tom Shakespeare, now a disability advocate, who was a student at the same college as me. Tom was a great example of a person with disability who demonstrated by simply succeeding and getting on with his life that there was nothing about him to warrant concern. At a full college board meeting, of which we were both student reps, surrounded by a roomful of imposing dons in gowns, he jumped up onto his chair to address the packed room. I don't recall the debate but his arguments, sense of humour (and chutzpah) carried the day. I definitely at the time (seated next to him) felt he was inspirational, and still do. Not everyone with disability can be such an amazing advocate but we can all do our bit.

    • Ya'el Frisch :

      07 Jun 2013 10:17:09am

      thanks Holly,

      Regularly mistaken for women with CP around my age (who I do know) and vice versa. One has briht red hair.

      Friend suggested we start a crime syndicate and get each other off - that'd smash some stereotypes!

      We should say all 'working people' look the same to us...

    • wheelie :

      07 Jun 2013 9:26:38am

      Well said Holly thank you.

      I am a wheelchair user and I just love it when I meet people who treat me like an abeloid, i.e. do not notice the wheelchair.

      What we all need to keep up the pressure on is JOBS for disabled. Always we are passed over because of disability and we need to change that status quo as too many of us sit languishing wanting a JOB. Equality.

      Proper accessible transport to get to that job or interview in the first place.

    • Steve Wilkinson :

      07 Jun 2013 8:22:29am

      There is actually a club I'm trying to get all wheelchair users to belong to and to share knowledge, experiences and information. It's the International Wheelchair Club, which was launched on International Wheelchair Day, 1st March 2012 in Adelaide.

      Holly is correct with her comments about how people misunderstand what it's like spending most of the time in a wheelchair, which, like Holly, I do. My mission is to change those perceptions and assumptions and by everyone collaborating and celebrating on IWD 2014, we can progress towards this.


      • Hank :

        08 Jul 2013 9:42:39am

        Hi Steve,

        I tried to join the International Wheelchair Club, but there is an oversight as Australia is not in its Countries list! Beleive it or not, there are many wheelchair users here in Oz>


    • Wade Mann :

      06 Jun 2013 10:53:39am

      Yes Holly, i know what you meen. I have been blind for thirty five years and i still get told i am a "Poor Thing"

    • Ben :

      06 Jun 2013 7:52:10am

      Great article Holly, we need more like you.
      If this is typical of your work, your thesis is going to be fantastic.
      Good to see some in the younger generation being so active and working for change, rather than sitting around waiting for the world to do them a favour.
      Keep up the good work.

      I can't resist adding this though: people in wheelchairs are all individuals, and some are very nice.
      Some are also not so nice, and it's not the chair, the disability, or anything like that, it's just that some people are not nice and there is not anything you can do about it.

      I've met a few in chairs that make you cringe and cross the road to avoid them, but on the other hand I'm married to a woman with CP, who is the most loving, considerate and compassionate person I've met.
      The chair is a device, it is a mobility aid, it is everything so far as mobility goes, but it is not a defining characteristic of a person, just something they need to use to get around.

      So those that are unaware be warned, some may chuckle, look daggers at you, or just ignore you when you say something dumb to them, but the threat of being run over by a wheelchair - on purpose is a very real one, and you don't want to go testing your luck being condescending to someone you don't know - not all wheelchair users are shy and retiring, and some will attack if provoked.

      People in wheelchairs are individuals just like you are, but don't think their difference in mobility gives you licence to treat strangers like an acquaintance. They may like to meet you they may not, but don't assume they want to talk to you just because you're there, they're entitled to their privacy and personal space just like you are - just they need a little more space to manoeuvre the chair.

      The best bet is just be polite, respectful, and courteous, and respect people's personal space (just like in our grandparent's day) if you do this, you should have nothing to worry about, no matter who you're dealing with.

    • Jesse Meyer :

      06 Jun 2013 4:39:37am

      Just think how hard it is for us ambulatories (ambles for short) who have to see people like you in your luxurious chairs and hold back all the pain and anguish we experience from sympathy and empathy with you. You are exercising your disability privilege on us, limiting our freedom of action and requiring all ambles to ignore you. We move about, jump, dance and run but when you're around you make us all feel so guilty. It is horrible. All those things we can do are a cage your disability has made for us. It is so unfeeling of you not to let us patronize you and make you feel as bad as we feel for you.

      [sarcasm off] Good article. There are few things as tiresome as well meaning ignorant people.

    • Karen Coley :

      06 Jun 2013 2:32:36am

      I could not agree more, I have had all of these happen to me, and I still get it! I love what you have written and what you said!

    • KPF :

      06 Jun 2013 12:24:56am

      I have a two-year-old who is fascinated with cars, trucks, and all things with wheels. When we see a person in a wheelchair, he often stares. I want him to see all people as people and not be afraid or insensitive. I usually say to him, "Cool wheels, huh?," because I know that's what he's interested in. Might you be able to suggest better/best ways to address what he's noticing and affirm the wheelchair user's humanity?

      • teenyweeny :

        06 Jun 2013 12:56:12pm

        I think youve hit the nail on the head! I use a chair, and would welcome a like comment,it gives me an oppertuinity to interact if approprate.I find little kids a joy theyre natural as are we,I think adults THINK too much @try too hard. Thanks,for good parenting.regards teenyweeny

      • Daz :

        06 Jun 2013 5:07:15pm

        I can't speak for everyone in wheelchairs (although it the author here certainly thinks she does) but I don't really hang on peoples' comments, and I think articles like this are more likely to make people scared shitless that *anything* they say will offend the person.

        If it were me, say what you like to the kid. We're not all super-sensitive like the author and most commenters here. Sure, if you're not in the mood to feel inspirational that day it might be annoying, but that's life, everyone has their annoyances; tall people whinge about 'wow you're tall', curly hair (I used to have an afro), gingers probably cop it too. I'm over it, I just smile and nod and understand they mean well.

      • Holly :

        07 Jun 2013 8:27:48pm

        I never claimed to speak for everyone in a wheelchair, I was just talking about my experiences. If you'd read it correctly, you'd see that I said that these comments usually don't bother me.

        I think this will make people think twice about saying these cliche things and maybe they'll strike up normal conversations instead.

      • Vanessa of Fremantle :

        21 Jun 2013 4:39:41pm

        I'm the same Daz, I see the good intentions and just smile. And if I have a choice between being an inspiration or not, well I pick inspirational. Hey someone is touched and inspired, that's very cool with me, at least it is something positive.

    • Luis :

      05 Jun 2013 7:08:30pm

      I can understand the frustrations of the author, if not sympathise with them. However, sensitivities in framing aside, I've known individuals with disabilities who have expressed differently on some of the matters. Asking politely about one's disability, for example, seems to be something that varies (hence because some might be sensitive about it, it might pay to get to know where they stand first...).

      People can say insensitive, discriminatory things. I understand that. But a set of rules that speaks on behalf of all in a demographic mightn't exactly help in crossing sub-cultural boundaries.

    • Adam Worthington :

      05 Jun 2013 3:21:57pm

      Fantastic article Holly,

      I agree with what you have said here. Communication is the first step in creating attitudinal change throughout Australia. I have a physical disability myself (SB) and use a walking stick to help me walk, and even I have certainly had a few of these questions and experiences which are quite frustrating after a few years. I am studying Human Resources at university and have just completed a unit called "Working with and Employing Persons with a Disability". The unit was about increasing awareness about the underutilised talent of persons who have a disability and through a placement observing this talent at close range including the adjustments that enable the persons to be as active as possible within society. I was however amazed by my some of my peers tutorial presentations where they still in my opinion viewed persons with a disability as objects of charity and requiring help. In contrast my presentation was about empowerment and I printed out a handout for all students including the tutor and her guests on how to communicate with persons with a disability as I think this is where society needs some attention. The support document I handed out to the class was about applying person centred approaches, which would hopefully give my peers the tools they need to reduce some of the examples you listed were being communicated to you from members of the public. It would be great if we could come up with a set of rules if you like, maybe 10 ways in how to communicate respectfully to a person with a disability. These could be hung in organisations receptions and throughout workplaces including schools so the messages begin to spread like a disease within everyone. Great article

    • Marija Lemic :

      05 Jun 2013 2:26:46pm

      Fantastic article Holly. I wish you the best in your thesis.

    • David Horrocks :

      05 Jun 2013 1:57:07pm

      If people could train their brains to accept that every human is equal, we would not treat others differently just because they are female/male, have limbs missing, are in a wheelchair, are blind and so on. Ignorance and superstition seem to be instilled in us from birth. Equality for everyone has to be part of life's education.

    • John Little :

      05 Jun 2013 1:38:11pm

      ...and don't start up a conversation with a wheelchair user you don't know just because you are in an elevator with them and feel you have to say something - you don't. So "Wow great driving skills.....quite a snappy chair you have there, how fast will it go....how many times a day do you charge your batteries" Is pointless chatter.
      You wouldn't say to that standing guy "great trousers you're wearing" or to that nice lady "I like your legs and the way you move" If you want a conversation, and we do like to talk about normal everyday things talk about the weather, or the latest headlines or ask how our day is are going. Just like you would to someone who is standing next to you.

    • Vicki :

      05 Jun 2013 12:41:29pm

      I've worked with people in wheelchairs and another thing that I've seen people do. So call normal people coming up to them and talking slowly. People assume since their limb don't work their brains mustn't either.

      • Ben :

        06 Jun 2013 7:36:10am

        Yes that's so condescending.
        Even my sister in law did that to my wife, and my sister in law is a nurse!

        If health care professionals still have patronising attitudes towards those with disabilities, how long will it take to educate the general public?

        Never mind that my wife works in middle management in a public service role; in anything she needs to speak slower so that nurses can understand her!
        Mind you my wife had elocution lessons; not so she could speak clearly, (she speaks more clearly than I do) but so that she didn't develop the bogan accent of her contemporaries!

    • Quentin :

      05 Jun 2013 12:06:03pm

      Brilliant, brilliant article. However I have a few stupid, personal questions that I get asked often that always do my head in.

      1) How do you go to the toilet?
      2) Can you have sex, if so how?
      3) Why are you so small?
      4) When are you going to die? I always think they're trying to ask, how long do you have to live?
      5) How does your little buggy (wheelchair) work?

      My response to all of these is usually F off unless they are under 5 years of age.

      • Ben :

        06 Jun 2013 7:31:29am

        Right with you there Quentin; they're the sort of personal questions most wouldn't even think to ask a "normal" person, and can be considered rude and condescending even by liberal standards.
        They're the sort of questions you may ask someone with a disability if you have been dating them for a while, and only in an appropriate context, if the individual is comfortable with it, but offensive if asked by a strange or casual acquaintance.

        They're pretty much the sort of questions my mother would have asked me about my now wife; (she never had the nerve to ask her herself, and had she done so, at least it would have shown she didn't have to hide behind me seeking the answers) it's not so much the questions as the attitude, hence in our case (and with a very unpleasant family history in my mind) we no longer maintain contact.

        Each person in a wheelchair is an individual, just like everyone else; in fact that's really the only thing everyone in a wheelchair has in common!

        Some will totally agree with everything on Holly's list, some will accept some of the dumb questions, and some even don't mind being asked why the chair - which is better than talking behind their back and speculating.

        I guess Quentin, you could try another tactic than the F off; such as ask them the same five back (maybe modified a little if the question doesn't suit); that would put most in their place!

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