MIL annoyed that I won't commit to a big event with such a small baby.

(101 Posts)
Bambamb Sun 27-Oct-13 17:27:19

Trying to keep it short:

I am pg & due mid-Nov.
MIL has organised a big christmassy get together early December which would involve a long drive, overnight stay, full day of events (out and about at public events, not a private function) and formal dinner out.
We have only just been informed of this & I have responded to say I don't want to promise that we'll be there as we will have a baby of between 2 and maybe 4 weeks old depending on when it arrives. I have no idea where we'll be with breastfeeding, sleep, generally feeling able to leave the house etc.!
We haven't said definitely no but I strongly suspect we won't be feeling up to it, it will be an ordeal I think. I also don't know how the birth will go and if I'll feel physically recovered by then.

Also want to point out, we did the same thing the last two years in a row and after last years event MIL asked if we would like her to book again for this year and we (plus other family members) all said no which is why it has come as a bit of a surprise that we are suddenly expected to be attending something we didn't even know was happening.

MIL has the hump, AIBU?

Catsize Mon 28-Oct-13 19:53:12

Say no. You could be two weeks or so overdue too!

Rach8341 Mon 28-Oct-13 18:37:52

Totally missed you had already said no, hurrah!

Rach8341 Mon 28-Oct-13 18:33:32


Say no, you will be your own family unit with your own priorities and should not feel obligated to fit in with their plans.

Trust me, 4 yrs ago I wish I'd have put my foot down when MIL insisted on ensconcing herself in our house for 6 DAYS & NIGHTS when my DD was a precious 3 days old - we had agreed she and FIL could come to stay on the understanding if I was overdue they would delay their trip, but she flat refused. My daughter was born 8 days late I had a horrific assisted delivery and then was put in this terrible position by MIL - she had train tickets booked, and it was her first grandchild, so we had to oblige - cue a terrible week with me in tears and feeling like a failure. Yuk.

Luckily this was an insight into what a manipulative old bag she can be and I don't invest a lot of time in trying to please her thesedays.

Please don't feel you have to please everyone OP, concentrate on you and yours as you don't get the early days with a newborn back.

MamaBear17 Mon 28-Oct-13 18:26:20

Don't do it. Don't even think it. Some women bounce back after having a baby and get on with life with a newborn and make the whole thing look like a breeze. Some, like me, are a hormonal mess and need to stay in their pjs whilst they get used to the whole motherhood thing. You have every right to wait to figure out which one you will be before commiting to an event x

Mim78 Mon 28-Oct-13 18:09:14

I agree with everyone else. YANBU and it's fine to just say no at this stage.

There are things you "just have to get on with" like care of other children if you have them, but not a christmas jolly ffs. Why is that obligatory?

Bambamb Mon 28-Oct-13 16:13:55

Wow, so many replies, thanks all!

So DH told MIL on the phone last night that we have decided to definitely not come. She was a bit upset about it but has accepted it. I'm certain she'll bring it up again though but that doesn't really worry me tbh.

We've had our ups and downs but overall we usually get on ok, but she HATES not getting her own way, especially when it comes to family gatherings! This one is going to involve way more family than previous years, although we found out last night that my SIL now also can't make it which hasn't gone down massively well!

I feel relieved, other family members agree with our decision so the only pressure we may get will be from MIL but hey ho, you can't please all of the people all of the time can you? !

Thanks for all the advice, all very helpful and true.

missorinoco Mon 28-Oct-13 15:54:13

Say no. You will look back and wonder why you didn't in X number of years if you don't.

Of course you could cope if you had to, and if it was an emergency etc you would, in the same way that if this was your third you would have to cope with less sleep, et al.

But the point is, this is not an emergency, you have nothing to prove, so don't do it. (Or rather, I wouldn't.)

2rebecca Mon 28-Oct-13 15:44:39

Agree with saying no. I'd probably be telling her that you don't want her organising stuff for you over Christmas in future as you prefer to make your own plans to stop it happening next year too. You don't plan other adults' Christmases for them.
I wouldn't feel guilty, she was told not to do it and selfishly ignored everyone, her problem.

Chunderella Mon 28-Oct-13 15:38:44

Very true neun. There are so many pregnancy, birth and motherhood related topics where someone invariably pipes up 'how do you think they fare in Africa/the rainforest/insert own patronising and vaguely Orientalist example here'. To which the answer is usually 'with staggeringly high neonatal, maternal and infant mortality rates'!

Phoebe47 Mon 28-Oct-13 14:16:50

If you and other relatives said no last year when she asked if she should book it again for this year I can't understand why she is even asking. You are quite right to say no and I would be hinting that maybe it is time to knock this event on the head as an event for all the family as you may well want to do other things at Christmas in the future,like having Christmas Day at home. Enjoy your baby and don't worry about this. You definitely do not "just have to get on with it"!

neunundneunzigluftballons Mon 28-Oct-13 14:04:11

Like all these threads you will get the folks who think you should climb Everest or milk cows with in hours of giving birth. Undoubtly the world over women go back to working in fields/factories almost immediately after giving birth. Looking more closely at what accompanies that particular vista is an extraordinarily high mother and infant mortality rate so thankfully women here no longer have to just get on with it and they can and should take time to look after their own needs and their infants needs. OP has your husband spoken to MIL yet? What did she say.

ZenNudist Mon 28-Oct-13 13:51:20


Also tell her that there is medical guidance about how long a new born can spend in a car seat. Aren't they meant to be kept flag to avoid damaging their spine. I'm sure you'd have to stop regularly not just to feed but to ensure you were doing the right thing by her little spine.

Mil sounds like she has rhino hide. Assume rest of the family are hacked off being co-opted into her idea of fun for third year on the run.they can't even plead new born prior commitment!?

YouTheCat Mon 28-Oct-13 13:40:35

I'd say no for all the reasons stated above. Plus there's the fact it'll be in December and it could be snowing. No one in their right mind wants to be stuck in a car, with a newborn, in the snow.

Chunderella it could be even worse. I was due on the 19th of one month, induced on the 4th, 5th, 6th, c-section on the 7th.

DD might not even have been here had I been in your situation, OP.

NewtRipley Mon 28-Oct-13 13:27:16

You are right to say No now.

Good luck smile

MrsAmaretto Mon 28-Oct-13 13:21:14

I have a 5 month old & would say no. Motherhood is exhausting.

At 2-4 weeks I was trying to establish breastfeeding, had an infected & gaping csection scar & was in lots of tears.

Best excuse to say No now.

Lilacroses Mon 28-Oct-13 12:38:20

Agree you should say no not maybe. It's odd that she can't see how ridiculous she is being first in asking you and then in getting the hump. Who knows how you will all feel at that time but I am almost certain you wont feel like going to an event like the one you've described and being on show when you've just given birth and have a tiny baby to care for. Hope all goes well with thebaby....exciting time for you both!

EldritchCleavage Mon 28-Oct-13 12:22:49

Well, my reaction to the OP was 'Bollocks to that!'

You do just have to get on with things. But since you don't know now quite what 'things' you will have to just be getting on with, it is best to exclude all day gadding about so as to conserve your energies for more important things like working out BF, recovering from birth/C-section, handling your demon baby etc.

I'm dying to know what the event is, by the way.

educatinginyorkshire Mon 28-Oct-13 09:36:30

Definitely give her an definite no, OP. You'll feel much better without the 'maybe' hanging over you, and she can make firm plans.

I said no to a wedding that was a month before my due date with DC - would have meant a transatlantic flight. Several people seemed to think IWBU. As it happened, if I'd gone, I'd have gone into labour on the plane on the way back.

It's odd how breezy other people can be when it's not them in the situation!

Chunderella Mon 28-Oct-13 09:31:19

Depending on exact dates, surely if your due date is mid November and the event is early December, your baby might be rather younger than 2-4 weeks OP? Theoretically you could even still be in hospital! I mean, if you were due Sun 17th Nov and no sign of baby by 14 days over, you get induced Sun 1st December. Baby rocks up a day or two later. I'm guessing the event will be the first full weekend in December, ie the weekend of the 7th-8th. You'd probably only have been home a couple of days at most. Truly ridiculous, so yanbu.

Obviously you might go into labour naturally at 38 weeks and have a dream 7 hour labour, no tearing, home the next day. In which case, you might well feel up to a trip a month later- some people feel fine by then, others don't but get cabin fever and really need to get out and do something. So you can always change your plans and attend after all, sitting out any events that would require you to have a place booked.

MrsMook Mon 28-Oct-13 09:11:36

I travelled for a couple of hours when DS1 was 6 weeks and that was about my limit on sitting in one position in the car, so 2-4 weeks was definitely a no. With DS2's VBAC, the stitches were much more painful and I had to stay in much longer (although there were other factors at play). I barely left the house in the first month.

No is the best answer here. It doesn't sound like you'd be desperate to change your mind if all went swimmingly anyway.

fatlazymummy Mon 28-Oct-13 08:45:54

25 years ago it was 5 days in hospital for 1st baby, 2 days for 2nd or more. And the nurses didn't 'wait' on us at all.
Confinement for any length of time, let alone 40 days, sounds like hell on earth to me, and totally unneccesary. I couldn't wait to get out and about.
I wouldn't have done what is suggested in the OP though, so YANBU.

Maryann1975 Mon 28-Oct-13 08:09:42

Nennypops, I'm 30 and when my mum had me she stayed in the cottage hospital for 10 days. The nurses kept babies in the nursery over night and returned them to mum for feeding throughout the night. Mum was shocked at the possibility of discharge after 6 hours that happens now.
Op YANBU, you didn't want to go last year, told her not to book, she did book and is now grumpy. Tell her no now. If you do end up with a really easy baby you can change your mind last minute, if you end up with a less easy baby you are better off out of it.

MadeOfStarDust Mon 28-Oct-13 08:08:34

Minnie.. hmm ?

[I was born in the 60s on a Scottish island.... who else WOULD have milked the cows if my mum hadn't - dad was on the boat, making money for the family........ we don't all live in a town - or even an island with a hospital.... the nearest hospital was a 3 hour boat ride away - the nearest SCBU a 1 hour flight AFTER the boat ride .... still is, and people still live there... ]

Tiredemma Mon 28-Oct-13 08:05:52

God. Just say NO.

early december you should be snuggled up with new baby at home, not traipsing around public events.

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