Kirsty Gallacher

The Gladiators presenter turned sailor muses about Gazza, Edward II and his poker, and how she hates it when alarm bells start ringing
Kirsty Gallacher
Like Ellen MacArthur, but with a terrible hatred of alarms. Photograph: PR

Afternoon Kirsty.
And a good afternoon to you Small Talk.

Small Talk is the wee column that asks big questions, Kirsty, so no messing about. Is God a man or a woman?
[Emphatically] God's a man. He's very much a man. I've never thought of God as female or asexual. He's all man, that's all I'm saying.

Hmmm. Small Talk has always seen Him as more of a transcendent holy spirit beyond mortal things like gender. But anyway, what are you doing at the moment?
I'm competing in the [sponsor alert!] Volkswagen Touareg King Of Cowes during Cowes Week in August. I've been practising today. Sailing is a completely new sport for me and I wasn't sure what to expect but I've definitely got the bug. [Sudden gravity descends] It's a serious race and I don't want to let anyone down. I won my first race today though.

What kind of skills do you need in sailing? Pipe smoking? Beard growing? Whale harpooning?
Well, you've got to be quick and strong to handle all the ropes and sails. You've also got to be nimble to get about the boat and be willing to listen to your skipper.

Ah, but you've always been sporty. You were quite a useful golfer in your day, no? What was your handicap?
I used to play a lot as a junior at Wentworth - I think my handicap at its lowest was 15. [Modestly] I was a competent player.

You've got more important things to concentrate on these days, presenting the relaunched Gladiators.
Yeah, it's been well received, hasn't it? [Tentatively] Have you seen it?

What are you talking about? There's been a pugel stick-shaped hole in Small Talk's life since the old Gladiators with its low-rent homoeroticism and mildly offensive names left telly.
Yeah, the new one is different though: it needed to be different and modernised. The Gladiators are superb athletes though - Battleaxe is a brilliant hammer thrower.

Who's the nicest sportsman you've ever worked with?
Gazza. He is a genuinely good person and it's upsetting to see him having his troubles. I played golf with him and he was a brilliant golfer too. He was funny and very kind. It would be horrible to see him ending up like George Best.

Too true. What's the last book you read?
It's not about sport, is that OK? I love books about history and people will just think I'm odd if I say that.

Nonsense. We're not automatons, Kirsty. We can't get all our nourishment from late-night Carling Cup replays.
It was called The Death of Kings, debunking the myths of how the kings and queens of England died. There's a story that Henry VIII died of syphilis, but he actually died of a thyroid problem.

Ah, that old chestnut, they'll be claiming he was big-boned next. What about Edward II and the poker?
Yes, that one's true, though! He got a poker up his ... [trails off, too polite to indulge in idle poker-based speculation]. Elizabeth I was my favourite monarch though, what an inspiration, she did great things for women. Maybe that's just me being am old feminist. [Worried] Although, I'm not a feminist at all.

Hey! Some of Small Talk's best friends are feminists. What's wrong with them?
I'm not! I promise you, I'm not. There's nothing wrong with them, but I'm not.

Pah! Was Greenham Common for nothing? What's the last CD you bought?
I don't know if this is one I should own up to, but why not? It was George Michael's greatest hits album. I love Freedom and all those songs, although the denim and stubble were a bit dodgy.

Brad Pitt or Jude Law?
Now then, that's a difficult one. Jude Law isn't really my type but he does have a lovely face. But it has to be Brad Pitt, Jude Law's a bit too pretty and effeminate. I like my men more rugged.

Just like Small Talk, who once ate two Shredded Wheat in one sitting. What cereal do you enjoy of a morning?
Weetabix. But I have to eat them quickly before they go soggy. There's a very small window of time before it goes wrong. It's literally pour and eat. Pour. And. Eat. And no sugar, you don't need sugar.

A lion and tiger are fighting over the honour of their wives. Who wins?
[With a hint of disquiet] Oh. That's an interesting question. How deeply do I need to think about it?

Gut reaction, Kirsty. Like a lion clawing a tiger's face.
Initially, I'd think of a lion because they are more dominant looking with their manes. Although, a tiger is bigger. Hmmm, I'll go for lions as my son's favourite animal is a lion.

Cheese or chocolate?
Cheese, I'd eat all day, a good cheddar. [Thinks a bit more] A straightforward, medium cheddar.

None of this French, soft cheese nonsense then.
Oh no, I like French cheese, but I could eat more cheddar, if we're talking about quantity … preferably on a plain digestive biscuit. [Wistfully] I could eat that every day.

And what's going in Room 101?
What would I get rid of? [Excited] Oooh, loads of things. I've just got to remember what they are. Alarms. I hate alarms. If they go off I get really tetchy. I hate them. They just get me going, I'm hyper at the best of times, but they drive me mad.

Yipes! Small Talk better sign off before its Mickey Mouse alarm clock goes off then. Thanks for your time.
Thanks Small Talk, bye.

Kirsty Gallacher is taking part in The Volkswagen Touareg King of Cowes on August 1st which has been created to find the champion of champions at Skandia Cowes Week 2008. The Volkswagen Touareg 4x4 is the Official Vehicle Sponsor of Skandia Cowes Week 2008 and its driving capabilities make it the ideal partner for the event. Visit and for more info

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