Joke of the day

Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Joke N° 1128
Personal Ads From Men
40-ish... 52 and looking for 25-year-old Athletic... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN Average-looking... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back Educated... Will always treat you like an idiot Free Spirit... Sleeps with your sister Friendship First... As long as friendship involves nudity Fun... Good with a remote and a six-pack Good-looking... Arrogant Honest... Pathological liar Huggable... Overweight, more body hair than a bear Like to cuddle.... Insecure, overly dependent Mature... Until you get to know him Open-minded... Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested Physically fit... I spend a lot of time in front of a mirror admiring myself Poet... Has written on a bathroom stall Spiritual... Once went to church with my grandmother on Easter Sunday Stable... Occasional stalker, but never arrested Thoughtful... Says "Please" when demanding a beer
Darren D.
Joke N° 1129
Shocked President
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed." "Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!" His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands. Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Mark D.
Joke N° 1130
Getting What You Ask For
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted. "I want to get screwed," said the man. "Okay, mister, but this is a private club, so slip 20 bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice. The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again. "Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!" "What?" said the voice, "Again?"
Frank M.
Joke N° 1131
A Day In The Life Of A Superhero
6:45 a.m.: Alarm clock rings. Stay in bed with the blanket over my head, but as always, force myself to get up. The ringing is getting on my nerves now, so I slam the clock. However, I forget about my superhuman strength yet again, and accidentally leave a crater on the top of my cabinet. On to do list: Buy new clock. 7:30 a.m.: Traffic jam. Been stuck in the same area for over 15 minutes, so I begin contemplating whether or not I should just lift my 1998 Pontiac Bonneville and run through the tunnel, then remember my license plate says SUPRH3R0, so it is too easy to track me down. Continue waiting in car. 8:15 a.m.: The ravages of not getting laid for five months begin to take a toll. Spot Leslie in the office with a short skirt and her long silky blonde hair. Reluctantly use my X-ray vision, then saw the true reason why Leslie can be a female or male name. Note to self: Never use X-ray vision again. 10:15 a.m.: Telemarketing is one of the most demoralizing jobs in the world. Earl broke out in tears after the same woman hung up on him twice, turns out it was his ex-wife and he just wanted to check up on her, but he heard another man's voice in the background with a German accent saying "You red-dy for more, yah??". Gave him a pat on the back... but underestimated my strength yet again. Earl flies headfirst into a wall 20 feet away causing a loud thud. Walk away whistling. 12:30 p.m.: Lunch break. Had a panini. 1:30 p.m.: Resume working, but the panini begins to take its toll. Spend 15 minutes in the bathroom, releasing some of the loudest noises I've ever heard in my life. Fellow co-workers smirk at me when I walk outside. Begin contemplating whether or not I should tell them I was the reason why Earl was sent to the hospital. 4:00 p.m.: Paper jam at the copier. Stupid Xerox. Ask Mandy for help, and learn how to get the paper out. However, the copier still refuses to work, so naturally, I become very angry. Now I owe the company a new copier. 4:30 p.m.: Meeting in the conference room. Very boring, so I doze off. When I come to, all my co-workers are staring at me strangely. Turns out my snoring broke a few glasses. 6:00 p.m.: Walking home, some kids who were playing baseball in the park hit the ball over the fence. I throw the ball back, but it flies 250 feet and hits a car. I run away when they demand reimbursement. 6:04 p.m.: Ran away from the owner of the car demanding reimbursement. 7:00 p.m.: Spot a cat outside who won't get down from a tree. Note to self: climbing a tree and retrieving the cat is a much safer and effective way than punching a tree and having it uprooted and fly six feet away with the cat falling into the sewer. 8:00 p.m.: Jog in Central Park. Spot an attractive woman who gives me a wink as she jogs by the opposite way. Used X-ray vision. Oh yeah. 9:00 p.m.: Dinner, avoided a panini and had tortellini instead. 11:00 p.m.: Crawl into bed.
Jeffrey Chow
Joke N° 1132
Jesus To The Rescue
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded. "Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head. "Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Walter N.
Joke N° 1133
A Wild Ride Home
After a night of drinking, Mr. O'Connell was driving home from the pub when he was pulled over. The officer came up to the car and asked for his license and registration, which he gladly handed over. "Mr. O'Connell, have you been out to the pub tonight?" The officer asked. "Aye officer, that I have, I won't be lying to ya. I have been out to the pub tonight indeed." Mr. O'Connell responded. "And did you have a bit much to drink tonight?" "Aye officer, I suppose I did have a bit much to drink. Is this why you pulled me over?" "Well no, actually," the officer said in wonder. "It's about your wife. After you took that last corner there, she fell right out of the car, she did." "Oh thank you for telling me officer; I thought that I was going deaf."
Pat Thompson
Joke N° 1134
Trip to the Zoo
One day, two ladies decide to go to the zoo. As they walk by the monkey house, a gorilla reaches out and grabs one of the ladies. He pulls her into the cage and starts to hump her. The second lady rushes off and summons help to rescue her friend. A few days later, the second lady visits her friend in the hospital. When she sees her in her hospital bed, she asks, "How are you feeling? Are you hurt?" Her friend replies, "Of course I'm hurt, two days have passed and he hasn't called or anything."
Matt Pate

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