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Live blog: Children in Need

Children in Need 2008
Is it just me or is there something odd about this picture? Photograph: Yui Mok/PA

Preamble: Newsreaders dancing. Terry Wogan. Big cardboard cheques. Someone off of Casualty in a funny wig. McFly. Where else could you find such an eclectic mix of light entertainment than Children in Need? Now approaching its 30th year, the annual telethon continues to raise large amounts of money and do excellent work helping underprivileged kids up and down the country. While I'll probably fail to hide my cynicism for all of the evening's, ahem, 'entertainment', this wouldn't be Children in Need without a little serious bit at the start.

So here we go. It's a good cause. The credit crunch probably means people are going to be more tight fisted this year – even though the same crunch probably mean there'll be more kids In Need as it were. Here's the form to donate. I won't pester you any more. You'd only probably spend it on some tat on Amazon anyway wouldn't you?

Now that's out of the way, I can give you a brief rundown of what we have to look forward to this evening, according to my lovely BBC press release.

McFly will be performing their new single, 'Stay with me and Do Ya'. Is that a double A-side? If not it sounds a little bit ... um ... aggressive, don't you think? There'll be an 'exclusive sneak peek' at the upcoming Doctor Who Christmas special. So, a trailer for a BBC programme then. Some of the cast of the Bill will be performing numbers from the Blues Brothers. Oh, and The Osbournes have recorded a special video message. God this is going to be ....

Great. It's going to be great. They'll raise some money, we'll help some kids, and we'll all have a FANTASTIC time. See if I can carry on suppressing my urges to headbutt the television set from 7pm. Carrie Dunn will be taking over from 9 to midnight. And, to get in the spirit of the evening, I will be blogging from a bath of baked beans. If I can get the bath and the beans through the tube barriers at Farringdon station.

7:00pm: Here we go. 'A marathon night of fun and fundraising'. Indeed. It's become customary to comment on the host's appearance during these liveblogs and, well, Terry looks fantastic. Pink suit, pink tie, remarkably full head of hair as ever. A broadcasting legend. He wouldn't have called Andrew Sachs. Cue a pleasantly inoffensive and instantly forgettable ditty from McFly. Hey, maybe this isn't going to be so bad after all?

7:08pm: You know, I genuinely hope I look that good when I'm 70. Tess Daly enters the fray, wearing a red dress. She does that weird flirting with an old man thing she's perfected with Brucie on Strictly Come Dancing.

As an aside, Bruce Forsyth, Terry Wogan or Michael Parkinson. Who's the boss?

7:14pm: Alesha Dixon presents a segment with the cast of Eastenders who are at the top of the BT tower, taking calls. Would you be that excited to talk to Ian Beale on the phone? And straight into a performance from ... Emma Bunton!

Oh, wait. No, it's Honey from Eastenders. She's pretty good actually. Her name is Emma BARTON.

7:21pm: Right, I've got to admit I've never seen Merlin. We're just about to be treated to our first CIN themed spoof thing of the evening. There's something very odd about the kid playing Merlin's head. But it's got Victor Meldrew and Giles from Buffy in so it must be pretty good. The sketch is ... pretty bad. Pretty, pretty bad. Our first big cheques of the evening and, wow, two of over half a million each! Maybe the economy isn't doing so badly!

CIN by the way seems to be the standard abbreviation for Children in Need. Though CIN 2008 sounds more like a corporate networking conference than anything else if you ask me.

7:27pm: The female correspondent from Belfast is very enthusiastic. Very, very enthusiastic. She brings us Boyzone, the second musical act of the evening. When did they come back? Are all the worst things about the early 90s coming back? Recession ... the Conservative party ... Take That have a LOT to answer for.

7:32pm: A helpful commenter has revealed that the McFly song was a cover of a song by The Faces. Figures. Now, here's a question. Would The Faces still get paid royalties for a charity single?

Meanwhile, kids are cooking on a special version of Masterchef (probably without as much criticism at the end). They are cooking things far, far better than anything I ever have, or ever will cook. It's kind of depressing actually. I don't think I was allowed to use the toaster unsupervised at their age. One says he wants to play football for England, and Liverpool, and be a chef. Bless.

7:44pm: Seriously, how are these kids able to cook like that? It's amazing. The winner receives ... a small stuffed toy. He understandably looks a bit disappointed. The Osbournes give a 30 second video message. Are they still considered celebrities? Who exactly are they persuading to call? Black Sabbath fans? Good to see Ozzy's still alive though (just about).

7:50pm: It's the local bit now, here in London we've got Konnie Huq, apparently Cliff Richard is performing and raising money. I think I'd rather see that than Boyzone to be honest.

We're ten minutes away from the first total of the night. Exciting, eh. I suppose somehow it seems more like an actual TV programme if they try and create suspense. Duffy performs. She has a very strange voice.

8:04pm: First total! It's ... preceded by Girls Aloud AND Take That presenting a big Radio 2 cheque. Well, actually it's half of each band. The total is roughly £5million. Is that good for this point of the evening? Every time they show teasers for what's coming up I sense that anything I'd vaguely enjoy's going to come after 9. At which point my shift will be over.

You see, what I'd really, really like to see is the cast of some kind of police drama doing something completely out of character ...

8:11pm: Well I was hoping for the cast of The Wire doing Starlight Express but this will have to do. The Bill cast sing a 50s medley.

8:22pm: Now a performance from the Oliver musical. I feel pretty sorry for all those kids performing, I bet they'd all rather be at home playing on their Xboxes right now.

Can't say I'm wholly surprised by the general negativity of the comments box - I do have a fondness for the whole thing though. When I was younger, and only had 4 channels, it was something the whole family could sit in and watch together and all moan about/get something out of. And like one commenter, I'm pretty sure my mum will be watching. No matter how crappy it is, I'm sure it will do more good than it does harm.

Pretty sure.

8:31pm: And now the moment we've all been waiting for ... well, the moment they've been trying to build anticipation for more than any other, it's Children In Need Does Stricly Come Dancing. Fearne pretends to call Brucie on the phone - where is Brucie? Is it past his bed time?

Just Tess Daly and Terry Wogan are competing ...

8:36pm: And, well, I don't know much about dancing but Tess is good. She doesn't fall over or step on her partner's feet. The judges seem to be loving it. Tess looks overjoyed at being described as a 'sexy swan'. They get 36. I don't think Terry's going to top that somehow.

8:43pm: Hmmm. Terry's looked a bit easier. But it was a bit of an odd spectacle. Hats off to the big man though, I couldn't do that. The judges are a sort of complimentary. He gets a kind 29.

But wait ... the studio audience get to vote who actually is going to win. I'm not too sure what the point of that is. Nice to make them feel involved I suppose. The SCD professional dancers put on a show while the punters in the studio make their minds up.

8:56pm: I'm guessing this is a way of getting Terry to win ... am I right?

8:59pm: Nope, Tess wins. The audience clearly have no sense of humour. Has it been two hours already? To be honest it wasn't that awful, and it really has changed very little since I was a youngster. I'm clocking off now, so join Carrie over on part 2 of the blog who will guide you all the way through till midnight. Adios!

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