35 plus August 2011 birth club

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How much

Last edited 06/14/2012



Comments (13)

1 2
Posted 04/07/2012
Ok, so DH is male and I have to believe that guys don't see things quite the same way as I do. When she was 3 days old, he let her taste truffle oil. Wtf?

So, lacking confidence in his decision making or feeling frustrated with how he did things, I totally excluded DH from almost anything baby-related. Food making, night wakings, laundry, bathing, etc. he'd have her (usually in bed with him) between 7-9:30 am and from 5:30-6 when I got home. This last few weeks, though, something's changed in his willingness to participate and my ability to accept help. I've had two sleep-in days over the last two weekends he was in town and he's been putting her down when I went to get my hair done this week as well as taking some of my night wakings. I'm not sure what brought about the change but it's been amazing for me. Also, he's been cooking more, which rocks.

I'm usually the first one to bitch about retarded husband shit, but mine has just recently stepped up.

Carrie & DH - married on 11/25/2010, welcomed our beautiful Margot Caroline on 9/1/11 - NUCB, EBF, AP

Posted 04/08/2012

I feel pretty fortunate to have a super supportive and hands on partner. I work about 30 hrs/week and he works full time.

He does all our laundry, he also does all the dishes (dinner mostly and weekends). If we have take out which is about 3 times a week, he pickes up or orders for delivery. He does the morning feeding (~6am). On weekends I need 3 hours or so to prep for work (I teach) so he takes the baby out or plays with him. 

I spend 2 full days/week at home with the baby in addition to weekends. I take care of his food and all the usual tasks involved in caring for him until he gets home. He usually has 1-2 hours with before it's his bed time. For major cleaning, we hired someone once a month since neither of us had the time or energy do deep clean bathrooms or kitchen.

Hope this helps.



Our son was born August 26, 2011 and expecting our second baby around August 8th 2013.

Posted 04/09/2012

OK. I actually had to log in to the site so I could type this.  I truly believe that men will actively screw up simple things so they won't be asked to do them again.  I think they will push the slothful line beyond questionable hygiene left to their own devices.  I see things that are completely obvious and logical and necessary, especially when it comes to LO and her clothes, food, food preparation, etc. - he sees none of it.  Even when he does "help", I'll get to go back and re-wash bottles because they have a creepy film inside of them... I shouldn't have to do that, right? He should KNOW that I pump fresh bm in there and that needs to be as close to sterile as possible for safe storage, right?


So, yes, we both work all day.  I have a nanny in the home but she only washes the bottles / jars she uses that day and dresses LO and occasionally puts away laundry.  As far as I can tell, neither she nor DH have any conception that the Diaper Genie needs to be emptied.

DH does most of the grocery shopping and has been doing a big meal on Mondays that I take to lunch / eat off of for the rest of the week. I do all LOs cooking / cleaning.  We alternate feeding, but that's not formal - usually, I'm arms deep in dish soap asking him to take over...  I do dishes 2-3 times a day.  He does them 2-3 times a week.  Maybe.

I do all LOs laundry and mine and his.  He'll come through and do his every now and then.  His mom did a ton of his while she was here several weeks ago and folded everything up and he hasn't put it away yet.  I'm drawing the line there.  Actually, that's not true - I'll eventually get sick of it and put it away, just to reclaim my laundry basket.  His magical power is to put stuff in the washer, then forget to transfer it, or to put stuff in the dryer, and just leave it there.  I've seen him use the dryer like a sock drawer.  I just shake my head.  If stuff is in there when I go to do laundry, I'll fold it (and put it in the passive aggressive laundry basket...).

I pay all the bills and handle all the budget.  We're both on allowance.  We're both dipshits with money but he moreso it turns out.  He has a strict grocery budget now.

We each have cars and will fill them up if low while driving one or the other.  Other than that, all the maintenance is on the respective owner.

As soon as I get home each night, it's nurse, steam flanges from the day, store BM, make a bottle for the evening, do dishes left all day, put pump / other flanges and bottles where I'll be for night pumping, sort mail, pay bills, pick up baby toys in living room, put away play mats for the night, cook baby food, feed baby, wipe down baby, bathe baby, pajama baby, put away baby laundry, pick up baby's room, bottle baby, nurse baby, put baby down asleep.  That was two and a half hours of my life.  DH is often surfing his iPad by the fire or hanging out in his man cave / office or talking on the phone through all this. By the time I'm done, I'm going to stare at the fire and want to do almost nothing the rest of the night unless someone puts food in front of me.

When I wake up, I straighten up before the nanny arrives which usually means picking up clothes, shoes, dishes, cans, food, etc., and more dishes. With watching LO and getting lunch ready and house cleaned on top of, you know, showering and dressing and pumping, I can barely make it to work by 9.  I don't take lunch, since I get paid by the hour and have to be home by 6 at the latest to start the cycle again.

He normally feeds the dogs.  Since having DD, he's "informed" me that we're getting rid of one. We don't talk about this because I may kill DH, however I fully expect to walk in one day and have Lucky be gone.  He does pick up dog droppings in the yard, which is AWESOME.

We have housekeepers every two weeks. It's in the budget and NOT considered a luxury item.  It would be up there on par with marriage counseling.

All that said, he's been getting better. I don't mind any of it nearly as much when I get more sleep and feel like I'm not responsible for EVERY night waking.  I don't think it's ever going to be great, though.



Posted 04/10/2012

dammitjim, how receptive is he to a Honey Do List?

Posted 04/10/2012

This one a real pressure point for DH and I a few years ago.  I felt like I was doing everything and he felt like I wasn't appreciating what he had to do, so we were each only doing "our" chores and feeling resentful.  He got rid of cleaners to save money.  We ended up going to marriage counseling as we were both in a bad resentful place.  One of the first things she said was to get the cleaners back, haha.  With both of us working f/t there just wasn't time to do it. 

Secondly, we sat down at a non tense time and really talked about what each of our responsiblities were and what we felt strongest about and what bothered us, etc.  For instance, it would drive DH nuts if I'd set a bowl in sink to wash later.  So, since that really bothered him, I made a point to fix that one thing.  With me, I felt like I was running full steam when I got home from work with no time to catch a breath, and I wanted just one thing taken off my plate from the nightly chores.  So, ever since then, he's taken over making ODD's lunch for school.  With the addition of Addy, we kind of tagteam at night.  He helps ODD with her homework and bath, while I put Addy down for the night.

Now we have a more equitable breakdown of responsbilities which has made having DD#2 so much easier.  Also, since we're not resentful any more, we will each do each other's chores if we have spare time and see something that needs to be done.  It's more of a team.

Oh, one tip on the laundry.  I do the laundry and I used to set DH's folded clothes on the dresser and he would never put them away and it drove me bonkers for a long time.  Finally, I just bought an extra basket, put it on the floor on his side of the closet.  Now, I put his clean clothes in there, and if he empties it, or uses it as another drawer, it no longer bothers either of us.



Mommy to Cailin, 9/13/05

and Adelaide, 08/02/11

Posted 04/10/2012

I think this is probably pretty typical of a couple, especially when introducing stressors, like children, into the equation.

First thing I can suggest, is stop tabulating. I know. It's hard. I fall into it myself frequently. I think it's a bad habit I have from a prior relationship.

Second, sit to yourself and list all the things that drive you nuts. Then prioritize them from "It's would drive me absolutely nuts." to "Meh."

Then I would suggest having your SO do the same thing. You might be surprised at what drives him nuts and he might be taking care of without you realizing it.

Then talk about it. Forget about the things that you say "Meh" too and really focus on those things that drive you nuts. It might even be good to talk about why they drive you nuts. Honestly, I was going crazy trying to keep the house immaculate, but for what? I really was trying to keep to someone else's standards, not my own. I'd rather much take that time with my family, or myself.

But most importantly, talk about why you guys feel this way. Why does certain things drive you nuts? Wat is he doing that he's trying to make you happy that your not seeing? What makes you happy? What makes him happy?

I'm guessing it's probably not so much the issue of 50/50 so much as communicating expectations and figuring out why you both feel you are trying so hard and the other isn't seeing it.


Ridley came on Aug 8th, 2 weeks early!

Posted 04/10/2012
Seriously, Amy - you maybe should look into becoming a shrink. You have great advice.

I had one thing I did with my DH, and it was at a moment of weakness but it may gave changed a lot. DH is in charge of M in the morning, but, like I think I said, I clean up pre-nanny arrival every morning. I had M in her high chair and was talking to her as I cleaned and he came to "take care of her" and that meant turning on the dvr while she sat under a play gym. And I sort of lost it. Did you really just put her in a container so you could watch tv? If I had that kind of time in the morning, I would spend it WITH her, entertaining and enjoying her! Everything changed after that. I don't really know if that was the impetus or of it was coincidence, but it was a good thing - despite the fact that DH was royally offended for a minute or two.


Posted 04/11/2012

These all sound like good ideas.  Good luck in getting him do more. You deserve the help.  I'm very fortunate and my DH does a lot.  I couldn't do it with out him especially with my career. I have no idea how you ladies do so much whether you are a SAHM or working. I would be very resentful. I discussed with him before we got married how I need help doing everything around the house and raising the kids.  I told him my career was so important to me and that if he wanted kids he had to help me. I would not be the wife who he could leave 4 days out of the week.  For us that worked but I did have to remind him of that a few times and he has always stepped up and helped. Last week I had a big meeting in town and he was complaining he wasn't getting to work as much on the weekend.   I only took 3 hrs each day to go to the meeting so I reminded him he had left me 2x for 5 days each for work in the last 8 months (not much but more than me taking 3 hrs 2 days and I was in town) We probably have a 60:40 relationship and for that I'm prett gratefully!    I'm going to go hug him and thank him for all he does.   I hope the suggestions by others will help. I agree Amy should be a therapist!


married 2010

DS- born July 2011

Posted 04/11/2012
My DH is a SAHD and he does a lot. There are many things he does differently than I would but I try really hard not to tell him what to do because while we have different styles, we are on the same page regarding taking care of LO. My cleaning standards are different but he does most of the household chores. Albeit he lets the house get messier before he cleans up, I have recognized that I don't have it in me to do my pretty stressful job and have really high expectations about how the house looks. I am choosing to spend my home time with my family. I want things cleaner and more organized but I also want to remember everything about Leah growing up. It took a lot to get here and I don't want to not experience it because my desire for a perfect house overshadowed my ability to enjoy this time.
Posted 04/12/2012

Well, my DH doesn't do anything in or around our house.  Other than complain if I've had a particularly hard week at keeping things up to par.

I'm gone usually 1 night a week, and that has now increased to 2 nights because of illness in his extended famil for which I'm a caregiver.  So, I will be gone from THurs - Sat.  I don't particularly like it, but I like the money and the financial freedom.

So, that means the house is trashed when I get home.  He has got better at putting his dirty dishes in, on or around the sink area.  Otherwise, I need to figure out how I can get him to put his dirty clothes near the hamper.  He thinks the floor is it.

Laundry - ha!  I don't have a dryer, so there is always laundry hangin somewhere to dry.  I have a portable rack and a clothesline outside.

It's not that I like to pick, pick, pick.  But honestly he grew up in a totally different family style than mine.  His MOM did everything for him and his 3 brothers and Father.  So, he learned not to do things from there.

Bills?  We have separate banks accounts and we split the bills.  If he missed then he pays the penalty.  We had to keep them separate for our sanity.  I'm sure it's because we got married later in life.

Onyx is very good with advice. I would make a list, but honestly it's a pick your battles kind of thing with me.

So, the dishes are not done 100% of the time, and the laundry isn't either.  But he nor any child have had to go without clean clothes or clean dishes.


~ Jo

Blessed with 2 beautiful boys!

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