Oh, joy, the STBX is coming to visit

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Oh, joy, the STBX is coming to visit
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 7:15pm

I recieved an email from the STBX that he and his father are coming for a brief, 3 day visit to see our son and try to meet with his lawyer to work out details, like custody and dividing our property.  He gave me no real warning, just let me know yesterday, which was Thursday, that he'll be here Tuesday!  As if I can manage, in that time period, to arrange for my lawyer to meet with us on one of the 2 days he'll be here during business hours?  I can barely manage it, since I have to work Tuesday night until 7:30AM and sleep at some point.  I'm hoping that he's bringing his father with him because it's finally sunk in that the kids don't want to be alone with him due to his drug use and behavior.  My son asked me to have it in writing that he have supervised visitations until he felt comfortable with his dad again.  So long as I'M not the one doing the supervising, I'm happy with that.  I had already made an appointment for Wed. morning for my DS to see his councillor, and the ex wants to go, too, so they can work on their relationship and rebuilding trust.  Whatever.  I just want all of this over with, because I can't stand dealing with this man and his moods, delusions, and swiss cheese memory.  I honestly feel like just running away and not seeing him at all, because all it does is stress me out to no end, mostly because his behaviour is so irrational and he can't manage to talk to me without it ending in yelling, cursing, and crazy accusations on his part.  I just do my utmost to remain calm and not let any of it get to me, which I know makes him nuts, but what's the point of arguing with someone like him anyway?  Nothing I have ever said has made any difference, so I doubt it will now, ya know?  

This morning, I checked my bank accounts to make sure my paycheck got direct deposited into the right account and discovered that he transferred $75 out of the joint account and into one of his without permission.  I am about to close that account, but have had to wait until all the paperwork was caught up.  It's been a pain, because the hospital I work at was sold and everything is taking twice as long while they work out all the bugs, including payroll, so it's taken like 6 weeks to get my direct deposit right.  I was able to log on and look at his accounts and he has only a few cents in each one, and one WAS overdrawn, but he apparently decided to cover that with MY money.  He uses a different bank for most things, now, and I can't spy on that account, so I don't know how much he has, but last month, when his statement came to the house, he had several thousand dollars, so I don't know why he would feel fine taking money from me, since I am supporting the kids he wants to see so badly and loves so much.  I'm sure this is going to be an awesome week!  I'll get to listen to him whine about me making more money, having all of the assets, and making the kids turn against him, and how I don't deserve any of "his" money, since I have so much of my own.  Of course, he's actually made more than me this year and has only "given" me $300 for school clothes since May, and it's now September, so that averages out to, what, $75/month, minus the money he basically stole from me?  To be honest, if he would just go away and stop talking to me, I'd gladly forgo any child support, but my son needs things and I have so many home repairs to make, thanks to Mr. fix-it never finishing a project, that I actually need the child support so I can use my money to pay someone to start fixing things, like the leaking roof.  Of course, since I "tricked" him into buying a house with me, he feels no need to pay child support so I can avoid the ceiling caving in.  I'm actually still confused about that one!  How does one sign all of the paperwork for a home and not realize their name is going to be on the deed????  I don't think Calgon is going to be able to take me away from this one.  

Community Leader
Registered: 10-22-2001
Fri, 09-07-2012 - 7:39pm


He doesn't have ALL the rights here...you do to!

And maybe he or rather they should have checked with you first if it's convenient right now for you...

I would get legal advice and not sign or agree to anything without her/him (your lawyer) present.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 9:26am
As I said, it took 6 weeks for my employer to move my direct deposit because they are changing everything over to the new owner's systems. It's been a huge pain in the butt. There's NO WAY in hell they are staying with me, or even coming into my house, since I have no desire to have any "incidents" there. I am not signing or agreeing to anything without talking it over with my lawyer, I'm not an idiot, lol. I'm sure if he were capable of planing anything, he would have notified me sooner, but the fact of the matter is, he leaves everything until the last possible minute so he can continue living in what I like to call "panic mode." If it's not a crisis, he can't "function" so he makes everything in his entire life a crisis. It's exhausting just to watch, and I am so glad to have given up my front row seats! If my son doesn't want his dad at his therapy session, he won't go, period; I had thought it might help to have a neutral party present so my son could feel safe in telling his dad how he feels about visitations and such. He's been asking me to talk to his dad about it, but the man refuses to believe anything I have to say, so I told my son he needs to just talk to his dad and be honest if he can. It's a lot of pressure for a 12-year-old, but it's the only way his dad is going to hear him, sadly.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2000
Sun, 09-09-2012 - 7:51pm
His mother was depressed all the time and both are/were alcoholics, BUT that's no excuse for acting like a jerk all the time. Besides all that, they weren't all that horrible as far as parents go. I wasn't exactly raised in a peaceful home, but I refuse to act like that and make everything a major deal. He called and texted me repeatedly today because his aunt, who no one's ever met or spoken to, passed away and it was vitally important I tell the kids right away. Uh, right.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 10:11am

I always have wondered also about people and their drama.. My ex also thrived on so much drama.. I had or still have no idea to this day what that man was all about..but my ex had some sort of mental illness and abuse problems.. The weird part is that he told me he had a normal upbringing but he never acted normal..

Growing up I had abuse and a wacky upbringing.. Not as dramatic as yours McPayton but it wasnt charmed for sure.

For me I am so done with drama and have been drama free for years and hopefully will remain that way.

Hopefully when you get this all done your drama man will be gone once and for all.. and you can have a nice happy peaceful life with yourself and your kids.

The Journey Continues eh!!!!

take care