Series: Wheels

If the cap fits

Give the chauffeur the day off - the new BMW 7 is good enough to drive yourself, says Martin Love
The fifth generation BMW 7
The fifth generation BMW 7 - the first had more computing power than Apollo 11 Photograph: James Royall

BMS 7-Series

Miles per gallon: 39.2
CO2 per km:192 grams
Good for: special ops
Bad for: heart ops

BMW's colossal 7-Series, the so-called "dream Beemer" and first choice among discerning CEOs and well-paid Bavarian minicab drivers, has something in common with the chameleon. Here's a clue: it's not that they can both blend into their surroundings, although the majestic 7 is so poised, so purposefully designed that it brilliantly conceals its vast girth - like a fat man wearing a well-tailored suit, the 7's clean lines and balanced proportions disguise the spread of its body. Anyway... give up? The 7 and the chameleon can both see sideways. Amazing, eh! The 7 does it via a pair of tiny cameras buried in the front-wheel arches which beam images on to the dashboard - to help you keep track of bollards and bumpers and to see exactly where the kerb is. Parking this enormous beast, you see, is like lowering a hippo into a hip bath - it's always going to be a tight fit.

The 7 is not a driver's car, it is a car to be driven in. The front windows are half the size of those at the back. After all, who cares what the person up front can see - it's all about the comfort of the precious cargo in the back. The knee space back there is a Gobi desert where the handstitched brogues of the fat cat passenger would gently rest. But as I have given my chauffeur the day off, I have had to take on the arduous task of driving myself. So, reluctantly, I disengage myself from the leathery embrace of the back seats and head forwards to the pointy end.

But hold on, there's something amiss here. The driver's seat is well upholstered and magisterially comfortable - surely more than a driver deserves. The dash offers a barrage of technical guidance; everything has been done to maximise comfort, safety and, this is a real kick in the teeth, the actual pleasure of the driver. BMW has clearly forgotten that chauffeurs are "servants and not masters".

This BMW is a technical tour de force. It's the world's bestselling luxury car, and the four previous generations of the 7 have each raised the bar in the technology on offer - no mean feat considering that the first 750i of 1987 offered more computing power than Nasa needed to put a man on the moon. In this fifth generation, Speed Limit Display - a useful gadget which continuously flags up the speed limit of the road you are driving along - comes as standard. The Lane Departure Warning system shakes you awake by vibrating the steering wheel if you doze off and drift across your lane. Night Vision technology and Pedestrian Recognition have also been improved. Scanning the road up to 300m ahead, the system highlights the proximity of "heat sources" (ie people) near the predicted path of the car. The computer then uses video data and algorithms to predict if any pedestrians are behaving abnormally and might stray into your path, alerting you (or your chauffeur) via a display flashed on to the windscreen. If you ignore this the car takes over and slams on the brakes. And the list goes on. In fact, so clever is this new 7 that we should perhaps let it have a crack at the City jobs its backseat passengers have cocked up - it couldn't do worse.

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