At work: Stop an offensive co-worker without getting yourself fired

Published: Monday, December 23, 2013 at 1:00 a.m.
Last Modified: Saturday, December 21, 2013 at 5:40 p.m.

Q: I know I should appreciate having a job, but I work with a woman who is a real piece of work. I don't know why she's like this and don't care, but I want to say something to her about her personality before I get fed up with her and tell her off in a rude way.

She is a one-upsmanship person.

If I say I have a cold, she says she has a fever. If I say I'm exhausted because I was up until 2 a.m., she is twice as tired because she couldn't sleep all night. She does this for everything!

If I have on something she likes, she tries to buy it off of me right there, offering me a ridiculously cheap price and obnoxiously asking all day, even after I say I would never sell it for so little.

In the next breath, she talks about spending $300 on her hair, saying how that included the tip because she likes being "good" to people. Yet she'll offer me a pittance for something of value. Can you see why I can't take it anymore? I want to tell her to "shut the f*** up," but I don't dare because I then would have to deal with her crying and huffiness.

I once accidentally said something that upset her, and she turned into a complete mental case.

Our boss wants no involvement in petty relationship problems, so I haven't mentioned anything to him. He doesn't really care as long as the work gets done.

A: She has serious insecurity problems and more but, as you know, you are at your job to work, not be her psychiatrist, even though she could use one.

If you want to stop the irritating behavior by being direct, write down what you would like to say and practice it at home.

Focus on wanting to work, like the boss wants you to do, and not on socializing on the employer's time. Then address the actual conversations. Explain that you don't consider it a compliment when she asks to buy your possessions, no matter how much she likes them. A simple, "I like those earrings" or "I love those shoes" would suffice. Tell her if you ever have anything to sell, you'd be happy to offer it to her first.

If you want to give her insight into how her actions affect you, point out how she professes how generous she is to strangers who serve her but insults you by offering you under-value prices for your possessions. Wrap up your written speech with your desire to do your job well, get along professionally and not be involved in unnecessary conversations. Ask her if she understands, and then go on with your day.

The key to delivering negative information is that you remain unemotional and factual. Your intent is to stop the situation from recurring as it has and not to wound her. If she does become emotional, you will know that those are her inner demons coming out, and you did nothing to verbally harm her. Have your short speech in writing so you have proof that nothing you said could have fallen under the category of "bullying."

If you can't deliver factual information without showing negativity, don't do it.

Privately speak to your boss, acknowledging his desire to not be involved, but stating it is a problem you'd like to see stopped. Your goal is to stop her behavior because it keeps you from doing your job, not because it could get you fired.

Remember, your feelings and thoughts about her are valid. Just don't express them to anyone at work. Stick to the facts in any complaint and leave emotions out of it.


This story appeared in print on page D15


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