Biggest Loser
Episode 3

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What a Tangled Web We Weave
that the trainers are doing for them, but she says trying to change who they are is a totally different thing. Wow, these two are real joys. Bob takes mild offense to all of this, but in the end simply says that he's there to help them. He then requests that they hug it out. Nice job of sealing the deal, there, Bob. You know, I will admit that it's kind of nice to see someone not fall for the Dr. Phillianizing right away. This probably means that they'll be gone by the end of the episode, though, since emotional breakthroughs burn a ton of calories. Or after another commercial break they'll realize that Jillian is right.

Next, we head back to Houston with the exiled Blue Team. They are, in fact, heading to the gym for Cherita's first spin class. She manages not to collapse on her bike's handlebars. Victory! In Minneapolis, O'Neal takes a walk with his wife, Sarah. Sarah tearfully notes that O'Neal's mom died of a stroke when she was 62, which is only ten years older than O'Neal is now. She doesn't want him to die of a stroke anytime soon. A single tear trickles out from beneath O'Neal's super-cool sunglasses. He tells us that you can't go forward looking in the rear view mirror. All of this is to say that he's committed to getting healthy.

And then it's time for the teacher-student workouts. Stephanie and John work out in the pool. I detect a bit of splashy flirting! Sherry wants to make sure that she's giving Ashley solid information, and they're both feeling pressure. Andrea pushes Darrell hard, and he's a good student. She's proud of his tenacity and determination, though he kind of looks like he might die after ten minutes on the ladder.

Several of the contestants, including John, head to the trainer's room to check in with medic Sandy Krum. It's actually kind of interesting to see this behind-the-scenes look at their everyday maintenance. John explains that all of this working out is hard on the knees. And then -- oh, fuck you, Biggest Loser. This is totally a product placement for: a) Walgreen's; b) some sort of ice thing for your knee that you buy at Walgreen's. Any Walgreen's! Seriously, they got me this time. Normally I can smell those product placements from 100 feet away, like a Subway BMT.

Next up in this action-packed episode is a visit to the California Health and Longevity Institute for a cooking lesson with hottie chef Curtis Stone. He may come between Stephanie and John's budding romance, such is his hotness. First, Curtis is going to talk about portion sizes. Restaurant sizes are out of control, which has contributed to an epidemic of people eating way too much damn food, which is why The Biggest Loser exists. Curtis reveals a big Caesar salad, which has 860 calories. He then reveals fried macaroni, which has a whopping 1,570 calories. A rather nefarious looking shrimp and pasta dish has 2,285 calories. And then Curtis reveals some truly delicious-looking chicken and biscuits, which has 2,500. Bitch, you stay away from the pot pie family. Then there's a big piece of chocolate cake, which has 1,679 calories. Michael says that this whole thing is like a typical five-course meal to him, which leads Melissa to note that it's no wonder he weighs 576 pounds.

Curtis then teaches the contestants how to make healthy, appropriately portioned chicken cacciatore. Four ounces of chicken breast is apparently enough for your fat ass, so take note. Oh, and there are the Zip-Loc bags. Also, Muir Glen organic fire roasted tomatoes. First Scott Brown, now this. My night is getting worse. The final dish has 300 calories per serving.

Back at the house, the contestants have a dinner break. Miggy tries to talk to Migdalia about their workout strategy, but Migdalia is unresponsive. She finally admits that it got to her when Jillian asked her why she's not happy with herself. She doesn't know why she's so angry. Miggy thinks it's because Migdalia wants to express herself, but doesn't know how. She gets frustrated, and she gets angry. It's easier to get angry and fight than to confront her feelings. Wow, that was surprisingly on target! Migdalia interviews that maybe there is a part of her that wants to open up a little and change. She hasn't been happy with herself for a long time, and says she doesn't know how to change. Miggy thinks that it will help Migdalia and her family to talk more to Jillian, and get some help. She's happy that Migdalia recognizes that she needs help, and seems willing to accept it. The lesson here really is that Dr. Phillian is ALWAYS RIGHT! Stick that in a Muir Glen tomato can and make cacciatore with it.

It's the one hour mark, and thus time for a challenge. The contestants take a yellow school bus to a park, where Sami is waiting in front of giant spools of thread resting on matching platforms. If the contestants want to succeed, Sami tells them, they'll have to learn to unravel their problems. The teacher from each team will unwind 1,000 feet of ribbon through a playground. Students will then draw for which ribbon they'll have to untangle. Ah, I see. The first student to unravel their ribbon and get it back to the platforms wins. So the teachers have to weave a very tangled web. The team that wins will get immunity at the weigh-in, and the ability to switch the teacher and student of one team. So, they'll eff up someone's weigh-in. Freeze that in your Walgreen's ice pack and put it on your aching knee.

The challenge begins. I thought the spools were filled with actual thread, which would have been impossible. Instead, it's pretty wide ribbon. Nonetheless, this is going to be a really annoying challenge. The teachers put the ribbons over, under, and through with vigor and venom. When the teachers' time is up, Sam and Koli tell us that the ribbon they do not want to get is the White Team's. Michael has really knocked himself out in making someone's life miserable. The students then find out whose ribbon they'll be bringing in. And ha! It's their own team's ribbon! Blindfolded! Lance seems to think that his diving experience will help him here. Maria, meanwhile, wants to smack Michael upside his head and just says, "Backfire!" The teachers have to guide the students, but can't touch the ribbons or their teammates. Yeah, good luck with that, everyone.

The blindfolded students begin. Poor Darrell has vertigo, so is having a tough time with this. The Gray cousins seem to take an early lead, or at least have good communication. Things are hopeless for the Pink Team, both because of complicated ribboning and Sherry's general brainpower. Maria still wants to smack Michael upside the head. With half an hour passed, the Pink Team still is on their first obstacle. The White Team's ribbon causes problems for several of the other teams. Red and Gray are in contention for the victory, and despite the fact that Sam's instructions keep causing Koli to fall over stuff, the Gray Team wins! They get immunity, and Sami says they can tell her at the weigh-in which teacher/student team they're going to switch up.

Last chance workout! For the teachers, that is. They'll have to give the students their last chance workout. But of course, Gray can change up any team, so everyone has to work out like maniacs, per usual. Bob helps Migdalia work out some frustration by having her beat the crap out of a punching bag. She seems to enjoy it, and pounds and pounds until the stuffing comes out. Jillian looks on and smiles. The teachers then lead their students through a last chance workout. The Pink Team is getting nervous, particularly since Ashley realizes she's put herself against a whole lot of big men. They've stacked the deck against themselves, which is certainly not worth ten calories. And then there's Michael, who is totally not putting in much effort. The other guys are not feeling him, and neither is Maria. Koli and Sam, for their part, are determined not to slack even though they have immunity. They don't want to be fat, which is the first step in not being fat. Migdalia has Miggy on the treadmill at serious speeds, and though Miggy is hurting she's determ

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