Westminster digested

Access to Big Dave doesn't come cheap. Now Osborne? That's a different story

Cruddas: Roll up! Roll up! Give money to the Tories ...

Reporter: What do I get in exchange?

Cruddas: For £100 you can have a week with George Osborne. Make it a monkey and you only have to stay the weekend.

Reporter: What about access to the PM?

Cruddas: Now you're talking ... Big Dave don't come cheap. There's your Championship-level hundred-grand offer. That gets you a tour of No 10 and a signed photo. Then there's your Premiership quarter-of-a-mill all-in package deal. For that you get the full works. Dinner with Dave and one piece of legislation of your choice.

Reporter: It would be more convenient me to channel the funds to you from an offshore account.

Cruddas: You havin' a laugh? No one in their right mind has a bank account in this country any more. Who wants to pay tax when they don't have to? Just shovel it in to Slush Fund c/o Central Office via Liechtenstein. Bish-bosh, job done.

Reporter: Thank you. You've been most helpful. If not to your career.

Cruddas: Everything I said was of course completely made up on the spot and bears no relation to what really goes on.

Cameron: What kind of moron appointed Cruddas in the first place?

Everyone: The same kind of moron that would appoint Andy Coulson.

Cameron: I have no intention of publishing a list of all my old friends I've had to dinner. Oh, if you insist ... but look, it's a complete coincidence that so many of my oldest friends have given the Tories shed loads of cash.

Rupert Murdoch: And it's a complete coincidence the Cruddas story broke just when Cuddly Dave was trying to keep his distance from News International.

Cameron: Sod it! Why does everyone still keep insisting the Tories are the party for the rich?

Osborne: Because Cams, old bean, they've started to read the small print of my budget.

Cameron: Respect, Ozzy!

Osborne: So who have we got for dinner tonight?

Cameron: Not sure. But the Cleggster's serving the wine.