all 114 comments

[–]ceilingkat 1 point2 points ago

Sit her down and have a serious discussion about it. If she still tries to evade the subject just tell her this is important to you and if you're going to spend the rest of your lives together you should at least be entitled to an explanation.

If she still refuses, you need to figure out how much you want this relationship without that aspect of it. If you love her enough you might, but think about years down the road. Will you love her enough that this won't matter?

[–]oniongasm 1 point2 points ago

Might want to xpost to /r/sex

[–]Clurre 0 points1 point ago

It sounds like you connect a lot in other areas of the relationship and that is great. I can only talk from my own experiance and sex is pretty important for me in a relationship. It is where I really connect and feel completly connected to my emotions and feelings. I have been in relationships where I sooner or later grow conntent rather than excited about it, and for me this is where the end of those relationships begins.

As many have said before, think really hard if this really is the girl. For me it would never work, but we are all different. As mentioned before aswell, it doesn't sound like she cares much about your needs.

[–]taekwondogirl 2 points3 points ago

Have you asked her WHY she has no desire to take part in sex? Is she asexual and doesn't realize it herself? Is there an underlying medical/hormonal problem that hasn't been addressed?

Good communication is incredibly important, and if you can't figure out WHY there is no progression, then it's not going to work. It's not even so much that the sex sucks, but that she does not seem to care about the difference between you two.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

This is one of those things where it probably won't change. It seems like you've already talked to her and got your answer.

Marriage won't change anything, expect make you bitter and greatly increase your chance for divorce.

You need to take a step back and honestly ask yourself if you are OK with this because it sounds like this is as exciting as your sex life gets. If the answer is no, for the love of god don't get married to someone who you will resent.

[–]thefoxsaysshutup 4 points5 points ago

Have you asked her why she refuses?

[–]mcpenisnutsauce -2 points-1 points ago

Run away

[–]theg33k 0 points1 point ago

Orgasms are somewhat addictive. Your body gets accustomed to having them or not having them. My suggestion is to talk to her about it first and then have sex every day for a week to ten days, twice a day if your schedules can accommodate. Once that's over her body will want that hormone release and it may improve her sex drive.

Also, is your girlfriend having orgasms, or ORGASMS? I dated a girl once who would orgasm but not really have OMG full body crazy shakes orgasms. I would describe her as on the harder side of normal to get off and not particularly adventurous. Anyways, I suggested we introduce toys and bought her a hitachi magic wand. It's a wall plugin vibrator that's insanely powerful (and outside only). It wasn't until the toy was introduced that she ever had her first really powerful orgasms and discovered a life of multiple orgasms. Sex was very different from that point on. Once she was in "bliss" mode from the bigger Os she would pretty much do whatever I wanted.

You may just have to face facts that her sex drive doesn't match up with yours. Like others have suggested don't marry her if this doesn't get worked out.

[–]DieKnowSoar 1 point2 points ago

Can I ask how old are you guys and are you her first?

[–]throw_away9076[S] 1 point2 points ago

I'm 23 and she's 29

I do not assume to be her first. As much as I don't want to be the jealous type, I'll admit I'm scared to hear her talk about her previous sex life before me. What if it was enthusiastic and passionate until me? I guess that'd be a good indicator of something going wrong, but nobody ever WANTS to hear that.

Maybe that's what I need to get out of the way. Put aside any fears or jealousy and accept it. I think I can do that.

[–]way_fairer 8 points9 points ago

Flip her over.

[–]BlackCaaaaat 3 points4 points ago

That will go down well.

[–]Wobi 1 point2 points ago

I concur, this should do it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Has she ever experienced any sexual trauma? A lot of victims of rape and molestation have a hard time getting into sex; it's triggers a lot of emotions, and sometimes, unpleasant memories. I especially ask because of her extreme reluctance to touch your penis. That sort of behavior and apprehension could be in response to a former trauma. Maybe it's something you need to ask her about?

[–]beyond_repair 103 points104 points ago

Word to the wise...DO NOT marry this woman. You have been warned.

[–]dlube 28 points29 points ago

I concur

[–]rtwpsom2 24 points25 points ago

Third. Do not marry her. She will never be what you want her to be in bed. Let her know she is not meeting your expectations and that she needs to put some effort and enthusiasm into it. When she doesn't, let her know why and leave her.

[–]skunkshaveclaws 1 point2 points ago


[–]BlackCaaaaat 7 points8 points ago

Also going to concur here. For me it's more than just 'bad' sex: she's not giving at all in the bedroom, it doesn't sound like she is loving you with her body. Look, many women have things we are uncomfortable with. I'm not comfortable with BJ's (I have a good reason), but I don't expect him to do it to me - I'm still generous with my body and it's only enjoyable to me when we are both experiencing pleasure. Sex, like everything in a healthy relationship, should be give and take.

EDIT: it isn't worth throwing away the relationship over this without trying to fix it, but a lot of work is needed for you two to get through this together. Lots of communication and some compromising (mostly on her side). But as it stands now, do not marry her.

[–]cuzimapervert 12 points13 points ago


It will only get worse. Not better.

[–]Plopuhpoo 4 points5 points ago

IF it doesn't improve soon. I'm sure she's pretty good for him if he has intent to marry her and this is the only thing holding him back.

[–]ratshack 1 point2 points ago

this is not an "only thing". There are several very clear and major red flags present as OP describes it.

[–]infalliblefallacy 3 points4 points ago


Just blew two years of my life of dwindling happiness because of this very thing. We just drifted further and further apart because our intimacy cracked and eroded starting from the bedroom then outwards.

[–]cauldron_bubble 0 points1 point ago

Totally agree with beyond_repair.... You will be so unhappy and unsatisfied. Even during shark week, she should be open to playing with you and arousing know....maintain the level of desire.... Unless she has has a traumatic experience that needs to be dealt which case, it would behoove her to get help, whether you guys get married or not.

[–]Mythik_Ink 2 points3 points ago

Do not ask reddit. They are giving absolutely shitty advice. See a professional.

[–]throw_away9076[S] 1 point2 points ago

Definitely throwing half of this advice out. There are a few good people though that are building my confidence to try and talk to her again. Last time her and I talked, we talked mostly about her. This time, it'll be about me.

[–]Mythik_Ink 2 points3 points ago

I'm glad you saw my comment. It seems like you honestly care about her. A professional could help a lot with your relationship. I hope everything works out with your girlfriend.

[–]ModernGretel 0 points1 point ago

I didn't read deeply enough to find out, but I do see that she has diabetes -- is she also overweight?

Overweight women in particular are prone to hormonal imbalances, and hormones play a HUGE role in how much we desire sex. We can FEEL like a cold fish if something is out of whack.

She really needs to see an endocrinologist.

[–]chefranden[M] 0 points1 point ago

Hi throw_away9076, your submission has been removed for the following reason(s)

  • It violates [Rule 1], by having an improper title. You should have only your question in the title. Any other text should go in the body of your post.

  • Hey throw_away9076, This is for /r/relationshipadvice or the like.

If you feel this was done in error, or would like further clarification, please don't hesitate to message the mods.

[–]ClownPrinceofDoom 0 points1 point ago

If she's worth the shitty sex, stay with her. If not, leave.

Simple, no? Don't over complicate this shit. it's not hard.

[–]das_boost_91 -2 points-1 points ago

New Girlfriend

[–]RedVillian 32 points33 points ago

Not to be a bearer of bad news, but: there's no magic bullet here. You should talk to her frankly about it--which it sounds like you might have--make sure that she knows that you want to be with her, but just as she has the right to not be interested in it, you have the right for sex to be an important component of a relationship for you.

If you have that frank discussion and you still find yourself in a take-it-or-leave-it scenario, you should consider leaving it. Wanting meaningful sex doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being who has their own particular needs. Better to end it before beginning a marriage with the ever-present specter of sexual unfulfillment--or worse: infidelity.

[–]imhereforthevotes 5 points6 points ago

I'm going to comment here because I totally agree with RedVillian. There's a major issue here. Your girlfriend is not listening to what you need. There's a part of her that doesn't care about you. This is a problem in any relationship, whether it's about sex or something else. If you can't talk about it, and get to a place where it will work for BOTH of you, then you should leave. Because you'll end up feeling like shit a few years down the road and leave then. Or you'll just feel bad about it forever. And that's not fair TO YOU. You have to be fair to yourself.

I think you should go browse the Savage Love archives or something for tips on how to work on this situation and improve it. First off, seriously, don't get engaged, much less married, until you feel better about the situation.

[–]throw_away9076[S] 3 points4 points ago

This has never been something that has jeopardized our relationship. It's something that I think needs improving but not worthy of an ultimatum.

[–]rtwpsom2 13 points14 points ago

You might not think it jeopardizes your relationship, but the fact that your on here asking tells me you will never be happy in a marriage with her unless something improves. I have been there. I am still there. You will never be happy with her in the long run. Let her know she has to improve or you will leave. It is that simple.

[–]homefree89 3 points4 points ago

She probably gets better stimulation in that position, have you tried more foreplay or maybe using your fingers to do it manually in other positions?

[–]BlackCaaaaat 2 points3 points ago

I've been with my husband for eight years, married for four. The things you are a bit put off about early on can, and will come back to bite you, big time, years down the track. Don't paper over this crack, or it will bring the whole structure down. If this issue can't be resolved, don't marry her. Sexual incompatibility can destroy relationships: for many men and women it is important not just because of 'getting off' but because it is an act of love. And yes, as the years go on things can get a bit stale, so you need a partner who is willing to change things up a bit, spice things up to keep it fun.

[–]heelstoheaven 6 points7 points ago

The problem is it is going to build resentment over time. You're going to be upset because you're not getting your needs fulfilled, and she is going to start to feel bad that she isn't fulfilling them. It's going to make things way harder then they need to be. If it is a lack of a drive, she should speak to her gynecologist about it. If she is on hormonal BC, that could be part of it. Is she comfortable in her body? I have been there. I have been the girl that had no sex drive, and had very vanilla sex. Then I learned to be comfortable in my body, got off of hormonal BC, and got to the point that I felt okay with telling my partner exactly what I wanted. We're both much happier and way more satisfied.

Also, does she have anxiety or depression? Those can hinder it, as well has hormonal inbalanaces. Is she open to watching porn?

[–]throw_away9076[S] 2 points3 points ago

She isn't on birth control because of her diabetes. Condoms is our only barrier right now. She's on insurance and is open to birth control once she can see a doctor.

She's talked about the size of her ass but she doesn't behave like it has her down. She's incredibly open and well grounded and doesn't ride an emotional roller coaster.

We talked about our masturbation/porn habits after watching Don Jon (good movie BTW) and she admitted to masturbating between twice a week and sometimes not for months at a time. I'm doing it daily to brush off sexual frustration. She also mentioned that reading dirty stories or watching porn don't do it for her. She doesn't watch porn at all. She said she'd watch it with me but said "don't expect it to turn me on."

I don't want to watch porn with her if she's not going to enjoy it. Why watcher hotter women and bigger penises get together just before she has to do me? I like to think I'm not bad, but I'm no porn star.

[–]heelstoheaven 1 point2 points ago

I wish I had more ideas to offer you. I really have to agree with other posters though in that going forward with marriage is a poor idea. The only other thing I an suggest is getting some type of counseling to see if there is an underlying emotional issue holding her back.

[–]bankergoesrawrr 3 points4 points ago

Actually, a lot of women aren't turned on by porn, because they're created for men. So most women just get discouraged sorting through the 95% of stuff that does nothing for them, and just assume they're not into porn.

Try showing her this video(Warning: very NSFW). Every woman I showed it to would immediately ask me for the link or privately message me asking for the link. Tell her you caught your female co-workers sharing it and you want to know her thoughts about it. It could be that her hang ups are all about "good girls are not supposed to enjoy sex".

If she shows 0 interest in the video, she could just be really, really uninterested in sex. It's very possible. My friend's boyfriend is exactly like that. She has a killer body and the hottest woman in bed (I find her technique amazing as a woman, men get their minds blown)..but she can barely get him hard. When she does, he comes in less than a minute and then rolls over to sleep. There are people like that.

Can you go through the rest of your life this way? It's for you to decide.

For my friend, her boyfriend finally told her to open up the relationship since he's just not interested in sex. They're still very dedicated to each other, but she has sex with multiple men and women outside the relationship.

[–]Emloaf 1 point2 points ago

While I would agree that you shouldn't break up with her if she refuses to change, you should realize that good, meaningful, and varied sex is a HUGE part of a lasting relationship.

Find an old couple that's been married for 50+ years, and I can guarantee you that they feel the same way.

Sex is no more trivial than emotion or discussion. It's the foundation that we as people are built on, it is of nearly equal importance to any other aspect of a relationship, and it should be treated as such.

[–]KillerInYourCloset 3 points4 points ago

There's a deep seated reason for this- it will rear it's ugly head at some point. It WILL jeopardize your relationship.

[–]Trcymcgrdy1 2 points3 points ago

All I can ask is if she "exists" in your life outside of sex because then I can't see how you can put a ring on it. Sex is, quite frankly, A HUGE part of any relationhip. The physical and mental and emotional aspects are all equal. And honestly, if there is no drive for sex, she does not enjoy it. Whenever you enjoy something, you strive to make it the best you can. I think you are making escuses to stay with her by reading your responses to other people if I may be frank. You two need a deep talk about this and possibly your entire reltionship. A rift in one area could mean deeper issues.

[–]throw_away9076[S] 3 points4 points ago

We go on dates all the time and have meaningful conversations and romance. Our interests are very diverse and we're open minded about each other's field of expertise. We joke and laugh about everything and in all other facets of life, if we have a problem we can calmly talk it through with understanding and respect. We've gone on vacations together and we handle many of life's challenges well together like finances and household responsibilities.

The more comments I read, the more I think I need a more serious sit down talk about it. A talk where I need to do more talking. I listened last time and I tried to work around her, but ultimately nothing changed. I'm thinking she doesn't know how serious a thing this is for me.

[–]taekwondogirl 4 points5 points ago

Please consider the *possibility that she is asexual but still romantic. Romance and sex are two separate things. If she is asexual it is incredibly important for both of you to acknowledge it.

*initially said fact, that was a dumb word choice. Possibility is what I meant to say.

[–]ratshack -1 points0 points ago

Romance and sex are two separate things.

This is completely incorrect.

Romance and sex are intertwined and inseparable, there is no one without the other.

[–]taekwondogirl 0 points1 point ago

They play off of each other and can impact the other, but someone who is asexual can still completely want romance, and someone who is aromantic could still want sex. For that matter, people have different categories of relationships. For instance, I wouldn't want to mix romance into a one night stand, but I absolutely need it for a full, real relationship.

Your experience with the two is not the end all, be all.

[–]ratshack 0 points1 point ago

romance sans physical sex still carries the promise and acknowledgement of the sexual undertones. There need not be consummation for sex to still be an important part of the interaction that is romance. With no interest in sex, the "romance" you speak of is hollow to the point of being underserving of the word. I submit that is twisted beyond recognition.

I suspect I might regret one of those words in the morning, but fucked if i can tell which. o.O

To try and seperate them is frankly silly.

[–]T-Shirt_Ninja 3 points4 points ago

If you haven't stress how big an issue it is, then there's not really any way she can know that it is. Talk to her. You probably don't need to make an ultimatum at this point, since it seems that you guys are open with each other on other topics, and so I would assume that she respects you enough to give what you say proper importance. But definitely talk about it, and express your concern in sufficiently strong terms. She needs to know that this really is a problem, and that for things to continue to move forward in the relationship, she needs to at least try to figure out (with your help, of course) how to improve your sex life.

[–]d000kin_d000kster 0 points1 point ago

/r/SexPositive would be a great place to get constructive advice on tough conversations like this. is also a great tool for expanding your sexual compatibility talk. good luck dude, this shit ain't easy.

[–]Trcymcgrdy1 0 points1 point ago

Thta is good to hear man. Seems then everything else truly is solid. You are the one to gauge your own relationship, not us redditors. Thank you for the explanation and I hope this gets resolved where both of you come out better than previously!

[–]Geohump 0 points1 point ago

She needs some help form a sex therapist. You may need to consider the possibility that she isn't the one.

[–]Umlaut69 0 points1 point ago

Run. If she barely tolerates sex now, it will completely disappear when you get married. She needs therapy.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Oooor maybe she just is asexual or has a low sex drive? Nothing is wrong with those things on their own, only when you're paired with someone incompatible with your sexual drive.

[–]alaska_jane 9 points10 points ago

After reading this, I very seriously doubt she's going to change in the bedroom. Especially since your attempts to "spice things up" in the past have fallen flat, and she's already communicated she doesn't want to do certain things.

[–]narcissistic_asshole 0 points1 point ago

Exist on your front.

[–]NoApollonia 0 points1 point ago

I'm to go out on a limb and ask if she's experienced any sexual abuse/trauma in the past? There's a good chance she might not have told you even if there was. It just seems to have a high likelihood considering what you said. You two need to have a long talk - you being supportive just in case this is the case - and she probably needs to see a therapist.

[–]ceilingkat 2 points3 points ago

Sounds like you both need sex counseling.

But if you don't want to invite in a third party you need to really gather your thoughts, maybe write a few things down, and talk to her about it. Try your hardest not to be nervous, this is important to the health of your relationship because you're clearly unsatisfied. If she's not able to at least empathize with this, then there's probably going to be issues down the road. If you love this girl enough to marry her, you should be able to talk to her. And if you can figure out why she's acting this way, it will be that much easier to work toward making it better.

[–]MercilessMoon 10 points11 points ago

Do you know if she's had any past sexual trauma?

[–]throw_away9076[S] 2 points3 points ago

She has never mentioned it. I feel she would have told me if she was.

If I just outright ask her I'm afraid I'd come off insensitive. Or if she was that she'd be self conscious about people being able to tell that she was.

[–]ceilingkat 6 points7 points ago

You won't come off as insensitive. Sex is an important part of a relationship for lots of people. If you're unsatisfied, as your girlfriend (soon to be wife) she should be understanding. If she's not, then there's bigger problems down the road, and not just sex related ones.

[–]BlackCaaaaat 2 points3 points ago

I did wonder about this myself, because I have endured sexual trauma and it does affect our sex life. If she has, she needs to be able to be open with you about it, so that you can work through it together. Communication is the cornerstone of a good marriage.

[–]ratshack 0 points1 point ago

I commented elsewhere in this thread, but I feel it bears repeating: What you are describing is textbook sexual abuse/trauma survivor behavior.

You have a difficult road ahead, at least in the short term. What you describe is a non-trivial problem.

[–]tkh0812 6 points7 points ago

Don't listen to everyone saying that you should just get out because the sex isn't good. There are other factors involved in a relationship, and the fact that you're seeking advice means that there are qualities that make you want to be with her.

My recommendation is to talk about all of this with her, not to random people on Reddit. Tell her what you like and don't like, and ask her what she likes and dislikes. Ask her to give you a blowjob, and tell her that it would make you happy to see her more involved.

But you should open these communications BEFORE you propose to her.

[–]zerocoke 0 points1 point ago

My prediction: She is only having sex to pacify you. Once the ring gets on her finger the sex is gonna bottom out. Take it from a guy who just got out of a 3 year relationship with this as one of the contributing factors: you want better, so go find it.

Sure, talk to her first and let her know how you feel!

If she doesn't budge then you will not be happy in marriage to this woman!

[–][deleted] ago


    [–]throw_away9076[S] 4 points5 points ago

    That feels manipulative. I'd rather not stoop to that level if at all avoidable.

    [–]Absolutionism 0 points1 point ago

    Maybe in not such an uncompromising way OP. Though the point being, and as I skimmed and saw a few others say, you show your love through physical interaction, yet she does not. If it's not something psychological or something that literally keeps her from the interaction, then how much does she really care? Sorry if that upsets you, but it's something to think about.

    [–]UglierThanMoe -1 points0 points ago

    My advice is to be brutally honest. Not insulting, not accusing, just honest. Tell her that even though you love her, you don't enjoy having sex with her, and tell her why. Just telling her that you don't enjoy it isn't enough. She has to understand WHY you don't enjoy it. And at the same time she has to understand that this is not you being an asshole or pervert (I was in the same situation as you, and that's what I've been called when I told her), but you being worried because you intend for her to be the only sexual partner for the rest of your life.

    Still, be prepared that this whole relationship will go south. Since I've been in that situation, as I've already mentioned, I know how it can end. For me, it ended with breaking up with her. There's just no point in keeping a relationship going when something as fundamental as a decent sex life is basically off the table. You might try to convince yourself that you can pull it off, but you'd only by lying to yourself.

    Better an end with horror than a horror without end.

    [–]NoMoreNicksLeft -2 points-1 points ago

    Do not marry him, he doesn't sexually excite you.

    [edit] Oh, wait... this is the boyfriend asking.

    [–]CigarettesAndCyanide 1 point2 points ago

    It sounds like you're afraid to be honest when she is fine with being painfully honest. That right there says there's an inequality in the relationship. You should both be able to be honest without worrying of hurting the other person when it comes to serious, adult situations as yours. Sex is always an important aspect of a relationship and should be discussed if either party isn't satisfied.

    Do you know if she was like this with previous partners? If so, she might have some issues that need to be counseled. If not, then there's some other issue that needs to be discussed. If this a serious issue for you and it continues to go this route, it will eventually cause an issue in the relationship.

    If you can see yourself living the rest of your life with this issue, by all means, go ahead. But, I'm guessing this is a big issue since you're asking for advice in a public forum. Another thing to consider: you're 23 and have plenty of time to marry. She's 29 and she's probably considered her child bearing years are getting less and less and may be possibly settling to have a family. I'm not saying that is at all what she's doing, but I wouldn't count it out as a possibility. You two need to sit down and have a completely honest and open conversation.

    [–]Special_K66 15 points16 points ago

    I had a similar problem with my current girlfriend. One day I sat her down and told her what sex meant to me. I told her that I only do it with people who I truly love and that, to me, it's not sex its making love. It was (and is) a very serious relationship. I told her that showing she loved me through sex was an important part of a reationship for me and that if she couldn't be or act just slightly interested when we did it that I would have to leave. It seems a little harsh telling her I would leave her for that but it really means a lot to me. It ended up working and the sex is great now. I never pressure her into doing anything and she even comes to me asking if we can try new things. We're going to role play for the first time in our relationship this coming weekend. That is something I would have never imagined her doing in the beginning.

    [–]Absolutionism 3 points4 points ago

    This, so much this. Sex is the act of love making. If OP intends to marry her then the love needs to shown in all aspects, especially with sex. Also have fun weekend Special_k66. ;)

    [–]punkpixzsticks 42 points43 points ago

    It sounds like she has some major issues when it comes to sex. I would suggest you suggest she see someone about it.

    [–]newbodynewmind 3 points4 points ago

    /agree with the hivemind. If she's this disinterested in giving during a physical relationship, how giving is she in other parts of your relationship? Is she emotionally frosty?

    You get in a relationship to give. Just get into one where the other person feels the same. If it's not reciprocated, that's not a partnership, that's a parent.

    [–]dudermax 1 point2 points ago

    She can see me.

    [–]couldBworse -3 points-2 points ago

    like a prostitute

    edit: now a statement not a question

    [–]cobalthawk 2 points3 points ago

    Seems like she is uncomfortable with it. It may be she feels sex is an obligation, or she has a trauma, but if you aren't enjoying it, you can't necessarily do anything.

    She has to choose.

    [–]OrangeCrescendo 9 points10 points ago

    Love can only take you so far. Not worth staying with her.

    [–]UglierThanMoe 1 point2 points ago

    Harsh truth, but truth nonetheless.

    [–]ratshack 0 points1 point ago

    The tough girl exterior and complete checkout in the bedroom is a very clear indication of prior sexual abuse. Very. Clear.

    the sex will either:

    A) remain the same or;

    B) go wildcat. It will be some time later, if ever, that you find out shes been fucking the pool boy.

    This is not the life you want to lead.

    [–]SaxyTimeReloaded -3 points-2 points ago

    Honestly. I think you need to be bossy in bed.

    From experience bossy women outside of the bedroom love to be dominated inside the bedroom.

    Just my two cents.

    But I also wouldn't marry her. Gotta have a good sex life, dude.

    Edit: Just came to mind... Is she a "big girl?" I know that people with low self image sometimes struggle in the bedroom because they're constantly worrying about anything else besides the action. Can't enjoy something like that.

    [–]DieKnowSoar -1 points0 points ago

    Ignoring this will come back to bite you later. If these are the needs you feel yourself having and they're not going to ever be met you need to get out. Your desire for a bj does not reduce as you get older, it gets stronger. Sometimes a good sex life is what gets a couple thru the thin times so it is a key component. If you marry this girl you'd be starting off at a distinct disadvantage.

    [–]KillerInYourCloset 0 points1 point ago

    She is not physically attracted to you. Sorry bro- but that's the truth. She might be a gold digger, or a lesbian- pure speculation of course- but something is not right. That should NOT be the case. It won't change until you catch her in bed with some lawyer she works with. I know this sounds gloom and doom, but I can say from experience that it is almost always the case.

    [–]UglierThanMoe 5 points6 points ago

    Dude, you sound even more jaded than I am, and I consider that quite a feat.

    [–]KillerInYourCloset -3 points-2 points ago

    Haha- I'm really not- I've had a few bad relationships, but I've seen my friends deal with shit like this. I just got married to the fucking coolest chick ever- literally the opposite of OPs. I'll be tired, and she'll be like "Fuck that- I wanna webcam- play your game"- she bought me GTA V. Dirty dishes in the sink? "Fuck it, I'll do them tomorrow". Don't wanna mow the lawn? "I'll just get the neighbor kid to do it". I'm not kidding- Yeah I went through a lot of bullshit to find somebody like this- but I don't want to see OP end up in a bullshit situation like this- it won't end well.

    [–]NoMoreNicksLeft 0 points1 point ago

    Why do you have to be such a sexist fuckwit? Maybe she loves him too, but doesn't know how to explain to him that he just doesn't have it but still hopes it will get better. Maybe it's just not that important to her... maybe she'd be happy with the status quo the rest of her life.

    or a lesbian

    I don't know why everyone jumps to this conclusion, despite the honest implications... how does that protect your ego exactly?

    You're saying "this woman finds me so unappealing that even the least masculine people in the world are still more sexually attractive to her than I am".

    [–]Lorax_Paradox 0 points1 point ago

    It actually kind of sounds like she might be asexual. No sex drive? I've known a few asexual people that sound like her.

    [–]ThickBlackChick -1 points0 points ago

    This is actually probably very true, but I suspect that this will be downvoted to shit once the [score hidden] period passes.

    [–]KillerInYourCloset 1 point2 points ago

    Reddit doesn't like to hear it. I'm looking at my replies and the one before you is "Why do you have to be such a sexist fuckwit?". lol- I'm not being sexist at all- I'm speaking from experience seeing my friends deal with this- I'm 40 and have a lot of friends- this is NOT an uncommon scenerio. I have seen women deal with the same old bullshit: "He admitted he kissed her but he really loves me- it's not his fault" Go fuck yourself! It's not sexist- you're fucking delusional. lol you know what I mean?

    [–]ThickBlackChick 0 points1 point ago

    Yeah, it's not that hard to believe if you've had any sort of romantic experience. This shit happens.

    [–]cervical_ripening 3 points4 points ago

    I hate to say it but you really need to talk to her about it, especially before you get engaged. Maybe she had a bad experience or doesn't like sex that much. Is the foreplay good/is she a good kisser?

    [–]Miscengenated -1 points0 points ago

    He said nothing sloppy so I imagine she isn't getting into it as much as he would prefer.

    [–]throw_away9076[S] -1 points0 points ago

    Foreplay is me giving her a back and/or leg massage. Kissing is short and sweet. No frenching. I think the moisture disgusts her. If I even give her a closed mouth kiss and my lips are too wet, she will stop me and wipe off her lips before I continue.

    [–]cervical_ripening 2 points3 points ago

    Don't give her an ultimatum because bad sex is not something to end a relationship over (maybe she doesn't know what good sex is?), but if you don't feel comfortable talking about it you also shouldn't be getting married. Do you ever wonder if she's just not that into you? Girls can be tricky. I'll make an effort, but sometimes I have trouble getting excited about sex with a guy I don't love.

    [–]Nut_Cancer 1 point2 points ago

    You're dating Angela from The Office.

    [–]Miscengenated 1 point2 points ago

    Been there done that, I did the whole massage thing. Annoying as hell. Move on my friend. Sounds like you are being walked on.

    [–]SaxyTimeReloaded 0 points1 point ago

    Dude... Are you a beta guy? It's okay if you are, man. But it sounds like she just dominates you. I hope you open your eyes to this before its too late.

    [–]sodomize_intolerance 0 points1 point ago

    Do you know if she actually enjoys sex (not asking in a rude way)? Have you ever asked whether she enjoys anything in particular, or discussed fantasies/fetishes? Could it be that she's asexual and just does not have the desire for sex or enjoy it at all, but is willing to engage it in for you?

    It sounds like quite a bit of discrepancy in sexual compatibility here, but whether that is a deal-breaker to you is entirely your decision (despite that most people here are telling you it is). I would suggest framing it in the perspective that you want to know that she is enjoying the experience as much as you are, that you don't enjoy it if she's not enjoying it, and that it is so sexy to you when she engages actively in the experience as well because her enthusiasm is what turns you on.

    [–]beefcakemuffin 6 points7 points ago

    Get out of there. This will only lead to sexual frustration, and therefore fights. You will be unsatisfied and unhappy and will most likely end up cheating on her. It doesn't look like she is willing to compromise, and is being selfish sexually. Just leave.

    [–]hobnailedboots 3 points4 points ago

    Definitely talk to her. You love her, you want to marry her. If she's as certain of those things as you are, the conversation will still be hard, but it will not be unbearable.

    When talking to her about it, there's a few things that are worth keeping in mind:

    1. You don't want to come off as accusatory. "Our sex life sucks" may be accurate, but putting someone on the defensive isn't the best way to have a frank conversation.

    2. Your primary motive is that you're worried about her. You've noticed that she's a little withdrawn in the bedroom, and you're wondering if there's anything you can do, or if she wants to talk about it. If not, it's fine, but let her know that you're always there if she does ever feel like confiding.

    I don't want to speculate about why she's reserved. Maybe she just has no or very little interest in sex. Maybe there's a trauma issue. I would say that you feeling that she just "lets you happen to her" is really not a good state to be in for either of you. You want to make sure she's comfortable with what she does, and she's not giving you any cues about what she likes. It leaves you feeling guilty and ultimately unsatisfied, and it leaves her--well, we don't know.

    Bedroom issues don't make or break a relationship, but when they're tangled up with trust and honesty, they can. I don't know the best way to broach a subject like this, but it needs discussed between you away from the bedroom.

    [–]mumblesmcgee 3 points4 points ago

    Question for you OP - Does your girlfriend take any kind of prescription drugs? Some antidepressants and/or other drugs completely kill sex drive. I'm wondering if maybe this is the underlying cause.

    [–]geekdandy 2 points3 points ago

    I was going to say the same thing. A tweak in medication may be the key. She may want to talk to her doctor.

    [–]throw_away9076[S] 1 point2 points ago

    She has type 1 Diabetes. She has 2 types of insulin and that's it, no pump.

    [–]mumblesmcgee 4 points5 points ago

    This might be part of your problem. Some quick googling tells me that sexual dysfunction is really common in women with diabetes. Here's a link.

    I really don't know where you'd take it from there if it is the cause, but I guess knowing is half the battle? Good luck.

    [–]OldWolf2 0 points1 point ago

    I can't withhold sex, I'm the guy,


    Anyway, maybe she's not into sex. Some people just aren't. As others have said, it will become a problem later on in your marriage, so it's best to deal with it now. You don't know how you're going to feel in 5 years time. What about when you're 30 and she's 36 and you start to wonder what you're missing?

    [–]totes-muh-gotes -1 points0 points ago

    Hey no matter the advice you get here today, you are good people, OP. You love her enough to have thought about this issue and even taken your problem to a public forum for help...I would have dumped your girl the very moment I learned of this. As the saying goes, ain't nobody got time for that.

    [–]ScornedScar -2 points-1 points ago

    Cram it in her ass when she has her eyes closed.

    [–]CombiFish 2 points3 points ago

    That's depressing to read...

    Haven't you asked her why she has no desire to do it?

    If she refuses to talk about it, then I fear that how much you love her and she loves you back, the relationship is lacking a very important and possibly required part.

    Ask her what's wrong.

    [–]throw_away9076[S] -1 points0 points ago

    She can be incredibly honest about things. She's not afraid of being PAINFULLY honest. She would not lie.

    She says she enjoys our sex but that there's just no drive.

    [–]CombiFish 2 points3 points ago

    Guys need some love too, and if she doesn't want to sacrifice a bit for your enjoyment, she's kind of an egoist.

    Think the rest of your life without enjoyable sex through before you propose, please.

    [–]cauldron_bubble 0 points1 point ago

    Was she abused when she was younger? Is it possible that she may be cheating on you, or have you cheated on her? Have the two of you ever been violent with each other? I'm sorry that these questions are so blunt, I'm just referencing my own experience:( Emotional pain and resentment puts suchh a wedge between people in the bedroom.... Keep in mind that the more honest both of you are, the closer you will both be to resolving this problem.
    I hope you guys find the help you need. ((Friendly hug))