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Survey says, don't take this survey

(Ring, Ring.)

Hello! This telephone call is for the purpose of conducting a survey. We are gathering information so that we may serve you better.

This will take just a few minutes of your time. Ready? Let's start:

Are you a resident of the home where this phone is located? If yes, permanent or temporary?

If temporary, are you a relative? If yes, are you a mother-in-law?

Did they put you in the guest room? If yes, did they vacuum? Do they launder the sheets regularly?

Does your daughter-in-law use far too little laundry detergent, even though you keep pointing that out to her? She's a little snippy with you sometimes, isn't she?

If you are not a resident, what are you doing there? You're not a burglar, are you? If this is a burglary, hang up immediately and dial 9-1-1.

Do you have children? If yes, using your telephone keypad, indicate the number of children you have by touching that number. If you have more than nine children, how did you find the time to answer this phone call?

Are any of your children under 6 years old? If yes, you may take a moment to wipe the strawberry jam off your telephone handset.

Do you have adult children? If yes, do they ever write? Do they ever phone? You were hoping this was a call from one of them, weren't you? If you were not hoping that, how often do they call asking for money?

Do you have an adult child living with you? If yes, when did he or she move back? Is he or she living in the basement? Is it a finished basement with wood paneling, like everybody was doing in the 1960s? Knotty pine or imitation walnut?

Now, a few questions about your job. Are you employed? If yes, how would you describe yourself: (a) very satisfied with your job, (b) somewhat satisfied, (c) somewhat dissatisfied, (d) very dissatisfied, or (e) sitting numbly at your desk with your eyes gazed over, desperately willing the clock to reach 5 p.m.? If (e), are you the boss?

If you are not employed, are you a homemaker? Or do you still call yourself a "housewife"? You do? What are you, Alice Kramden in "The Honeymooners"?

Or are you an unemployed man? If so, do you do the housework? If not, do you loaf around all day in your underwear watching ESPN, you slob? Are you claiming you'll get cracking once the NCAA tournament is over? Do you expect us to believe that?

How would describe your economic status? Upper class? Lower upper class? Upper middle class? Middle middle class? Lower middle class? Working class? In a class by yourself? Class clown?

Do you think all this comparison of classes constitutes class warfare? If so, are you a Republican presidential candidate?

If you are not a Republican presidential candidate, how would you describe your political leanings? Left of center? Right of center? Middle of the road? Unable the find the road, because something's wrong with the damn GPS?

Where do you get most of your news? Is it (a) newspapers, (b) television, (c) the Internet, (d) AM talk radio, or (e) Stu and Earl, your old buddies you meet for breakfast at the Waffle House?

If (e), is Earl the one who goes on and on about the Federal Reserve?

Just a few more questions. How do you spend leisure time? Do you participate in sports? Do you play rec-league softball? With that bad back of yours? Could you use the name of a good chiropractor?

Or do you watch a lot of television? Have you been watching NBC's heavily-promoted new series, "Smash"? If yes, whom do you want to get the Marilyn Monroe part, Ivy or Karen? Or do you think musicals are silly, because people don't burst into song like that in real life? Really? Oh, but you like James Bond movies, right? And Harry Potter movies? You call that realistic? Sheesh.

Are you getting tired of all these questions? If yes, are you wondering how long you can put up with it before you can get back to making dinner? Are you thinking of hanging up on me?

Well, how do you think I feel? Do you think I like doing this? That I like calling up perfect strangers and asking them nosy questions? Do you know how desperate I am for a stiff drink right now?

This concludes our survey. Thank you for your participation. We promise this information will remain confidential and will not be shared with any other organization unless there is a compelling reason, such as them giving us money.


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