Tom Cruise Gets Rid of the Boys and Finds a ManS

He needs someone with experience to give him what he needs. Also today: it looks like we're really going to see Jim Carrey go gay, a new reunion movie is in the works, and an SNL departure.

Yesterday we heard about Tom Cruise's oiled-up boy threesome, young lads he was considering taking under his wing and teaching about impossible missions. But now that all has gone to rot. Cruise has instead decided to shack up with an older gentleman, a gentleman of certain tastes. Yes, rising star Jeremy Renner has taken the costarring role opposite Tommerlee Crinxbot in Mission Impossible 4: 2 Mission 2 Impossible. This could also mean that Renner will take over the whole franchise, though at 39, he's not exactly a super-young rookie who could conceivably take on the missions for years and years to come. No, he may just take on this one mission, but he'll take it well and he'll enjoy it. It's not a huge mission to take, but it's not the size of the mission boat, it's the motion of the mission ocean. Or what have you. [Deadline]

Channing Tatum, an erect penis that someone glued googly eyes onto, is looking to make a movie about a high school reunion. He and other producers have tapped the guy who wrote We Are Marshall to write Ten Years, about high school friends at their 10 year reunion tryign to figure their crazy white lives out. Parts are being written for specific people, namely Jenna Dewan, Anna Faris, Chris Pratt, Chris Pine, and Scott Porter. Everyone there is either 30 or 31, except for Faris, who is 33. So what, did she get held back a couple grades? Anyway, this movie is like half cool people, half annoying people. And I'll leave you to figure out who falls into what category. [THR]

Will Forte, eight year SNL veteran, will not be returning to the show this fall. Supposedly the breakup was amicable, as Forte was looking to explore new projects. So while that means no more of that creepy blonde wig guy who is always wheezing about "Barack Hussein Obama", it also means no more Tim Calhoun or Jon Bovi, which is kind of a good thing. Oh, and MacGruber. How are we feeling about MacGruber these days? It's hard to tell. And maybe that's why Will left. [NYT]

Paramount is moving ahead with a project called School of Horrors, about the girl situation at Harvard. No, it's about Duke during Black History Month. No, it's about an Exeter ski club party. No, it's about the average SAT scores of ASU students. No, it's about sororities at UC Davis. No, it's about the laundry room at Hampshire. No, it's about a food pantry at an Oberlin co-op. No, it's about a stained, crusty copy of Tropic of Cancer in the Regis library. ACTUALLY, it's about "Home Alone in Hogwarts." I think you'd agree that that's the worst log line of them all. [Deadline]

Oh goodness. I Love You, Phillip Morris has finally, after years and years of drama and anguish and nail-biting, found a secure distributor and will open on December 3rd of this year, the year of our lord 2010. Finally, after all that furtive late-night imagining, all those tedious, sticky fumblings in the back seats of cars, you will be able to see what it's like when Jim Carrey and Ewan MacGregor kiss. Not just the photo, which we've all seen. Like the actual mouths and tongues moving and breath heaving and all that. Finally. Put away that well-worn printout of the movie still that you've been keeping in your bedside table drawer. Delete those .gifs you made. Because the real, wondrous thing will soon be upon you. It might even be in 3D! That's how movies seem to be going these days. So who knows. Don't worry. I'm not going to ask you if you're smuggling peas or make you come up to the board to do a math problem. You are safe in your sexual arousal over the idea of this whole thing. Don't worry. It's all right. Everything's going to be all right. [Variety]

You know what? That's it. There's no other good entertainment news today. Or if there is, I don't see it. So only five items today. Eat shit, August Thursdays.