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I need my bestfriend back

Published on March 4, 2014 by adtrsydney

My bestfriend A has been my friend since junior high. She and my other best friend J, and I have been inseparable for years. We did everything together, stayed at each others houses constantly, basically were never apart. Our last year of high school, A met a guy. She had flirted around with this guy before and they finally started dating. It all seemed good at first, he's funny and he was easy to get along with but soon things started to change. A wouldn't hang out with us anymore, and when she did she always had to bring her guy with her. She would tell me that she wanted to break up with him, but whenever she tried to do it he would take her away to talk and they would fight and usually something would get broken (like her phone) and they would "work it out" basically they've been together off and on for about a year now, they live together - but he is a pot dealer while she is going to college - and I never get to see her. He won't let her see J and I unless he is there and when she wants to hang out with us he says that we're only gonna talk bad about him and doesn't want her to go. He is always mad at her, they are ALWAYS fighting, and he is very rude and will make it very obvious to everyone else that he's mad at her and will treat her badly in front of other people. He controls her in a really bad way. She has cheated on him before and he says he forgives her but he constantly throws it in her face and uses it to guilt and manipulate her. He goes through her phone, I can't even text her anything remotely private because he will see it. I know I'm going on and on but basically I want my best friend back, I've talked to her and explained I'm concerned for her and only want her to be happy and she told me that she isn't happy but she has "put so much into it" that she doesn't know how to leave, and he is crazy and will threaten to kill himself if he does. He has a bad drug problem and a history of it throughout his family. A is only 18 and I don't want her to have to feel like this anymore, is there ANYTHING I can do to help get my bestfriend back and help her get out? PLEASE HELP


Dear adtrsydney,

A is lucky to have a friend like you. Unfortunately, all you can do is support her in whatever way she needs it. That may mean giving her the courage to leave. It sounds like she doesn't have enough self-respect, or know her true value enough to leave. Many girls fall into this trap that occurs when dating a controlling, abusive partner. He is emotionally and verbally abusing her. If he threatens to kill himself, call the police and have them take him to the hospital. She is not responsible for his actions and his life, he is.

What she really needs to do it pack her things, change her phone number, move, block him on facebook and all social media sites and get a restraining order against him if necessary.

He is controlling and will use whatever mind games he needs to to keep her around, and she is falling for it. She is giving him the control by allowing herself to stay and be his prisoner. Stop giving him the power. Give her the love and support she needs to get the courage to leave. We've all put a lot of work into long term relationships that didn't work out, that's life and is a terrible excuse to remain in an abusive relationship.

Good luck.