Make It Briefs

There Are So Many Reasons For Taking A Few Jabs At Those Baggy Boxer Shorts.

April 03, 1991|By Fred Tasker, Knight-Ridder Newspapers.

Just when we thought Jim Palmer`s TV ads for Jockey had made the world safe for cozy, comfortable, cotton briefs, along come the fashion fascists trying to force us back into drafty old boxer shorts.

We`re already falling for it, they say. Nearly 18 percent of American men wear boxers today, compared to 11 percent just five years ago, says a spokesman for Joe Boxer Corp. The company`s sales have soared from 40,000 a year to 2 million.

And we thought the boxer rebellion was put down 90 years ago.

What`s wrong with boxer shorts?

Just think of them and who comes to mind? Jerry Lewis in ``The Nutty Professor,`` locked out of his hotel room in polka-dot skivvies, running down a hallway bellowing ``Waaaaaaaarrgh!``

Think of briefs and the image is Tom Cruise playing air guitar in ``Risky Business.`` Or Michael J. Fox pursued by his-hey, kinky!-own future mother in the first ``Back to the Future.``

We`ve come a long way, Bunky.

Still, they wear boxers

So why the boom in boxers? Experts-whoever they are-give three reasons:

First is the fashion rationale. Young college women like to borrow their guys` boxers to wear around the dorm or to the beach over their suitless bathing straps.


Second, some men are wearing boxers for medical reasons. Researchers at Johns Hopkins University say the warm environment fostered by tight briefs may frustrate fertility.

Could be-we all get sluggish in hot weather. But it is a weaklings`

argument. As ``Give `em Hell`` Harry Truman used to say, if they can`t stand the heat, they should get out of the kitchen.

Third, Jockey president Howard Cooley says 70 to 80 percent of American men let women buy their underwear for them.

And we thought communism was dying.

Let`s get to the bottom of it. Boxer shorts are called that, obviously, because they look like the shorts boxers wear. But boxers` shorts look stupid even on boxers. They look like prosthetic devices. Sans-a-Belt Bermuda shorts. No wonder boxers go around hitting people.

Brief descriptions

Briefs are like a well-oiled, line-drive-softened old baseball glove;

boxer shorts are a cracked bat. Briefs are a bar where everybody knows your name; boxers are a cafeteria with fluorescent lights. Briefs are a snuggle with your best girl; boxers are an alimony letter from your ex-wife`s lawyer. They`re kissing your sister, playing to a tie, oleomargarine, nondairy creamer, decaf everything, generic anything, light beer, egg substitute, Oreos with single stuff, daytime TV.

We men have had a long struggle liberating ourselves from silly clothes. And we have our heroes to thank.

When Clark Gable took off his shirt and showed Claudette Colbert his bare chest in 1934`s ``It Happened One Night,`` it forever liberated us-well, MOST of us-from undershirts. You don`t think Rhett Butler wore boxer shorts, do you?

Rallying the troops

Women, you agree, right? Picture Mikhail Baryshnikov in faun-like flight in-``ballet shorts?`` Like to see those assets obfuscated by the sartorial equivalent of a loose tarp?

Bum idea, right?

On the other hand, fancy watching, say, Sugar Ray Leonard in the ring in a pair of ``boxer tights.``


The fashion industry understands, really. They know those who choose boxer shorts belong on the funny farm. That`s why they put those silly designs on them-everything from hearts and flowers to a spike-haired, yellow-faced delinquent imploring us to eschew bovine reproduction.

And the Victoria`s Secret catalog features a line of silk boxers with pictures of golden pheasants on them for up to $40 each. At least it gives us men an excuse for thumbing through the catalog.

But think of it. You`ve sprung big for candlelight and wine. You`ve dazzled her with glib talk, you silver-tongued devil. Here you are in her boudoir at the penultimate moment, and you stand and reveal . . . Bart Simpson saying ``Don`t Have a Cow, Man?``

How about new names?

One last thing. About those names. Really.``Shorts`` or ``briefs.``

Some of us resent using either term to describe the clothing covering that particular portion of our geography. The guys who made ``Long Johns`` had a much better sense of our sensibilities.

Why not call them ``randies`` or ``machos?`` Or even ``wallabies?``

The first company to put out a manly line of ``undergear`` will learn that the shortest way to our hearts is not through our stomachs after all. -