Champions League, last 16

PSV 1 - 0 Arsenal

Mendez 61


Guess who draw the short straw tonight, eh? When you think that shows as breathtakingly useless as Benidorm, Bonkers and Fortune: Million Pound Giveaway are considered good enough to put on ITV1, it's a measure of how unpopular the scheduling suits think PSV v Arsenal will be that they've shunted it out to the televisual twilight zone that is ITV4, the home of Kojak (starring Ving Rhames, not Telly Savalas), Police, Camera, Action!, Extreme Wind-Ups and Teleshopping. Effing Teleshoppping!

Anyway, the way things are going we'll be lucky to get a game at all, as I'm currently staring at a black screen with "ITV4 programmes start at 6.00pm" written across it. By my watch it's 7.28pm.

PSV:1-Gomes; 2-Jan Kromkamp, 4-Alex, 14-Manuel da Costa, 23 Carlos Salcido; 15-Jason Culina, 11-Edison Mendez, 6-Timmy Simons, 8-Phillip Cocu; 10-Arouna Kone, 26-Diego Tardelli
Subs: Moens, Vayrynen, Addo, Feher, Sun.

Arsenal: 1-Jens Lehmann; 10-William Gallas, 5-Kolo Toure, 6-Philippe Senderos, 22-Gael Clichy; 13-Aleksandr Hleb, 19 Gilberto, 4-Cesc Fabregas, 7-Tomas Rosicky; 14-Thierry Henry, 25-Emmanuel Adebayor.
Subs: Almunia, Ljungberg, Julio Baptista, Denilson, Flamini, Djourou, Aliadiere.

Referee: Tom Ovrebo (Norway)

1 min: Apologies for the lack of team news and pre-match razmatazz, but due to actual technical problems, as opposed to the ones we usually make up to cover up the fact that we've dozed off or are down in the canteen, I've had to sit at three different computers and in front of two different televisions in the last 30 minutes. And as if that wasn't bad enough, the office here in Farringdon is being quite literally rebuilt around me as I type. The good news is that the sounds of hammering and drilling are drowning out Clive Tyldesley's commentary, so it's not all bad. Every cloud etc.

5 mins: Not much going on so far. PSV kicked off and are playing from left to right as the cameras look across the wedged Philips Stadium. The PSV players are wearing red and white stripes, black shorts and white socks, Arsenal are in their away kit of yellow, black shorts and black socks.

Interesting stat

Number of English players on the Arsenal team: 0. Number of Dutch players on the PSV Eindhoven team: 2.

10 mins: No attempts on goal by either side yet, but Arouna Kone is looking lively for PSV up front. The Ivorian is easy to pick out because he looks quite distinctive with his bleached blond head. He reminds me of a particularly nice pint of Guinness I once drank in Molloy's pub on Connaught Street in my hometown of Birr in the County Offaly of Ireland.

12 mins: Gomes the Brazilian goalkeeper makes a brilliant save from Tomas Rosicky, who should have put Arsenal a goal up. He was put through by Thierry Henry after the Frenchman had carved open the PSV defence on the left, but Gomes got a strong left hand to his low diagonal drive across the face of goal. Just as it looked as if the ball was going to trickle over the line, Carlos Salcido hacked clear.

16 mins: Fabregas tries to thread a chest-high ball between PSV's central defenders for Thierry Henry to chase. The Arsenal skipper is unable to bring it down and under control and Alex clears.

19 mins: PSV are in big trouble here. Despite having the home advantage they're clearly terrified of the devastation Arsenal might visit upon them and are being kept penned into their own half. No sooner do I finish typing that sentence than they break out of it and launch a rare attack, which ends when Mendez lashes a long range effort straight at Lehmann.

23 mins: I go to look at my email in-box for the first time, but am thwarted by Jan Kromkamp, who sends a long pass up the right flank in a bid to release Edison Mendez. His pass stops just short of its target and is cleared by Gael Clichy.

24 mins: Thierry Henry tries a speculative lob/shot from distance, which sails over the crossbar of the PSV goal.

27 mins: My latest efforts to delve into my inbox are ruined by PSV, who win a corner. The giant Brazilian centre-half, Alex, lumbers up the field to try and get on the end of it, but it's played short before a wicked deflection sends the ball looping up into the night sky high above the six-yard box. Lehmann comes off his line to claim well.

29 mins: Just outside the PSV penalty area, slightly to the left of the D, Tomas Rosicky looks up, pulls the trigger and tries to curl a shot outside of Gomes's outstretched left hand and under the angle of upright and crossbar. Good effort. Wide.

32 mins: Arsenal get a corner, Fabregas takes it and Philippe Senderos tries and fails to get on the end of it. The ball pings around the penalty area before dropping for the Swiss defender again, but his effort is blocked down. "Just switched on to ITV4 and got the shock of my life," wrote StevieO about 40 minutes ago. "Can anyone explain what Tony Adams has done with his hair? It's frightening. He looks like Worzel Gummidge on crack." Unfortunately I haven't seen his hair yet, SetvieO. I only got ITV4 about four minutes after the game kicked off.

35 mins: Not for the first time, Manuel da Costa causes an Arsenal attack to break down in midfield by putting getting in front of Thierry Henry and putting a stop to the rangy Frenchman's gallop as he tries to latch on to a through ball. He's been very impressive tonight, as has his partner in defence, Alex.

38 mins: For PSV, Jason Cullina tries a shot from distance. Instead of leathering it, he tries a curler and ends up shooting feebly at Lehmann instead. Moments previously, a hopeful long ball from Phillip Cocu on the right side of midfield was headed down into the path of Arouna Kone by Diego Tardelli. Kone's first touch was rubbish and a great chance went begging.

42 mins: A scything Tomas Rosicky pass across the edge of the penalty area picks out Thierry Henry, under pressure from a defender. The ball fizzes up in the air, Henry stumbles away from his marker and volleys straight at Gomes from about 12 yards.

44 mins: Thierry Henry cuts inside Phillip Cocu just outside the penalty area and tries to curl one into the top right-hand corner Tomas Rosicky-in-the-29th-minute-style. Close, but no cigar.


Half-time analysis:

"A friend is celebrating her birthday today by completely ignoring your minute-by-minute report," writes Tracy Mohr. I'm not sure why you felt compelled to share that information with me, Tracy. Tell your friend I hope she has a very happy birthday, and that I hope it's her last.

"I'm hoping for Arsenal to lose, and make complete tits of themselves in the process, but judging by your commentary so far I may be disappointed yet again," writes Alison Jeeves, an ex-manager of the Hammersmith Apollo box office whose email signature suggests that she is no longer a stalwart of the London theatre ticket distribution indsutry. I fear you will be disappointed, Alison, but PSV are playing for a 0-0 draw and are getting nine men behind the ball any time Arsenal are in possession - they've got two big centre-halves and a giant of a goalkeeper, so they might be able to keep Arsenal at bay for another 45 minutes. It would be astonishing if they beat them.

Tony Adams's hair

I've just seen the "do" that StevieO was talking about earlier, and to be honest it's not as bad as I was expecting it to be. It does look a bit tousled and scarecrowish, but the bits of straw and the birds nest I was expecting to see in it are all conspicuous by their absence. There isn't even a family of fieldmice living in it, although I suppose they would be hard to slip past the ITV make-up artist. I can't help but notice that Tony is very hunched up in his chair as he talks to Jim Rosenthal and has a worrying look of beatific earnestness on his face. For what it's worth, in his expert, paid-for opinion, Arsenal need to up the tempo in the second half.

45 mins: Pink must be coming up, because Arsenal get the party that is the second half started.

48 mins: I was about to write that if PSV's ambition doesn't stretch beyond not conceding a goal, we could be in for a very dull second half, but my train of thought was broken by a PSV attack, spearheaded once again by Arouna Kone. Nothing came of it and I'm still bored - make of that what you will.

51 mins: Wide on the right, William Gallas tries to whip a low cross across the edge of the PSV box, but it's headed clear by Carlos Salcido.

53 mins: He may look like a pint of Guinness, but he's certainly not as cool as one. Arouna Kone blows a great chance to put PSV ahead. Alexandr Hleb fouled Diego out near the byline, just inside the PSV half and conceded a free-kick, which was swung high across the pitch. Kone creeped in behind the Arsenal defence and got on the end of it, but his scuffed diagonal effort from about 13 yards went well wide of the left- upright. Replays show the Ivorian was offside, but the linesman hadn't noticed.

57 mins: Culina to Mendez to Kone down the right hand side of the pitch. Mendez's touch was too heavy, though and Kone wasn't quick enough to latch onto his long pass, which Lehmann scampered from his goal to gather by the byline.

59 mins: "Why is there only one exciting game going on, and you lot are not covering it?" inquires Henry Carter, alluding to the apparently thrilling encounter between Real Madrid and Bayern Munich.

GOAL! PSV 1 - 0 Arsenal (Mendez 61) In your face Henry! Henry Carter, that is. Almost apologetically, PSV take the lead when the home side attack through the centre, where Edison Mendez gives to Jason Culina and goes, receives the ball back from him and then blasts a low drive past Jens Lehmann into the bottom left-hand corner. Arsenal are a goal down!

65 mins: PSV substitution: the excellent Manuel da Costa off, Sun Xiang on. The replacement becomes the first Chinese player ever to participate in the Champions League.

66 mins: Now we have a game of football. PSV's fans - many of whom are in fancy dress because of some festival that's going on in the city - are roaring their team on. The players they're supporting have visibly grown in confidence and their tails are well and truly up. Arsenal, on the other hand, have been very poor in this second half; phoning in their performance and making a lot of stupid mistakes.

69 mins: Actually scrap that - Arsenal carve PSV open like my old man setting about the Christmas turkey. Fabregas is put through on goal and unleashes a 20-yard surface to air screamer that Gomes saves brilliantly by tipping the ball over the bar. Nothing comes from the ensuing corner.

Corrections & Clarifications Dept: Alison Jeeves is back, and it seems she does still work in the box office of a major London theatre. "I can see how you might be confused by the email signature," she writes. "I am now at the O2 Arena, which is inside the structure previously known as the Millennium Dome. Although I'm not actually in there yet since its still being built, but we have some very nice temporary offices on the site."

76 mins: Arouna Kone gets away from Gilberto, gallops down the right wing and crosses to the Ecuadorian goalscorer Edison Mendez, who shoots tamely at Jens Lehmann. Poor effort after great build-up play by Kone.

78 mins: There were a couple of substitutions three or four minutes ago. PSV substitution: Tardelli off, Vayrynen on. Arsenal substitution: Hleb off, Baptista on.

80 mins: Arsenal win a free-kick just outside the PSV penalty area, to the right of the D. Henry was standing over it looking set take it, but instead of dummying it like I suspect he was supposed to, Baptista struck it straight through the wall at Gomes, who almost spilled it. Thierry Henry shakes his head with brooding Gallic disappointment and is clearly unimpressed with his younger team-mate.

82 mins: If anyone's wondering why I haven't published many emails tonight, this might give you some idea. In a missive entitled: Half Time Refreshments at the Philips Stadion, Quasim Nauman has written: "I'm hearing that the most popular half time snack in Eindhoven right now is the ice cream Kone." The sad thing is that, even though it's spectacularly unfunny and completely feckin' useless, it's one of the more amusing ones that have come in. All the rest appear to from idiots watching on television who have nothing better to do with their pathetic empty lives than write in to inform me that my typing isn't as fast as live pictures.

85 mins: While I was typing that rant, Emmanuel Adebayor tried to win a penalty by attempting a triple axel into the PSV penalty area from about five yards outside it. It was a feeble effort to con the referee that should have been punished with a yellow card.

87 mins: PSV are just taking the piss at this stage, pinging the ball around to the soundtrack of their fans chanting, while their hapless visitors chase shadows.

90 + 1 mins: Kone, who has worked like a dog up front on his own all night, wins the ball out on the right wing and holds it up well. With a couple of Arsenal defenders buzzing around him, he has a good look in all directions before stylishly pinging a low ball across the edge of the penalty area. It fizzes just behind two onrushing team-mates - Mendez and Culina.

90 + 2 mins: Peep! Peep! Peep! The referee ends the match with three shrill blasts of his shiny whistle, leaving Arsenal with it all to do when they get PSV Eindhoven back to the Emirates Stadium for the second leg. They should have won by a canter against a very limited team tonight, but a dismal second-half performance means they'll return to London with their tails between their legs and a one-goal deficit to overturn. That's it from me - thanks for your time and your emails; I'll see you for the second leg.

Last word goes to Alix Sharkey, who wishes to correct a cock-up on my part: "Those PSV supporters in fancy dress have nothing to do with 'some festival'," he harrumphs. "They dressed up at the behest of Dutch comedian and actor Theo Maassens, who urged them to do so on his TV show last week, saying 'If the stadium looks like a circus, Arsenal will play the clowns'. Theo also stole the Uefa Cup a few years ago, and confessed live on TV, pulling the tropy out of a bag to prove it."

Ah, don't you just love those Dutch comedians, eh? They're notoriously kerr-aishy guysh with their hilarious japes. Don't think much of their taste in trophies, though. Theo should have saved us all a load of bother and kept the Uefa Cup - if nobody knew where it was nobody would bother playing for it any more.

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