to not want to drive to hospital two hours away and back every weekend

(121 Posts)
hell0kitty Sun 22-Sep-13 21:22:14

to pick up my husband who has been in hospital since he had a stroke two months ago, and have to arrange for friends to pick up and look after our three children while I do so? I asked a friend who lives near the hospital to drive him to and from the first home visit he was allowed just the other week. The friend stayed over locally and took the children out so we could have some time alone together. But my husband doesn't want to repeat this arrangement, although the friend is willing. He sees the driving as no different from his old rail commute to work, and thinks that if I cared enough I'd do it myself. I feel I have enough on my plate dealing with the children and trying to manage his care long distance, let alone thinking about getting back to any sort of work of my own. AIBU?

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 22-Sep-13 21:53:46

This is a tough one. How old are your DC?

IwishIwasmoreorganised Sun 22-Sep-13 21:56:47

So he's allowed home every weekend but has to go back?

Why isn't he being discharged home with community follow up for his therapy?

How old are your dc OP?

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 21:57:55

For me there would be no question. Yes it would be a juggling act, but one I would gladly do to have my husband at home.

Perhaps a compromise? Every other time? Or one half if each visit?

hell0kitty Sun 22-Sep-13 22:01:56

two at primary school one at secondary. he's currently doing rehab and being discharged in 8 weeks time. I think I'm still recovering from a summer of juggling childcare and daily hospital visits while he was at a closer hospital...

DoItTooJulia Sun 22-Sep-13 22:02:47

You know what, YANBU.

Often the person who is left behind isn't really thought about in these situations. I bet you have had a hell of a couple of months.

Obviously he has too. So you're both scared, knackered, stressed.

But I have no idea what the answer is. I hope your DH makes a speedy recovery, and I hope you are ok too OP.

ThisWayForCrazy Sun 22-Sep-13 22:03:27

It's a lot to deal with. Although I said I would gladly do it, I find driving really therapeutic, so would see it as my chance to unwind. But totally understand why it is daunting and a lot to handle x

IwishIwasmoreorganised Sun 22-Sep-13 22:06:41


From the sounds of it, this summer has been difficult and stressful. Can your DH not see that having your friend helping out means that he gets his time at home while making things a little easier for you?

Around here, if a stroke patient is well enough to be at home for a weekend the. They are discharged with community support.

Andro Sun 22-Sep-13 22:07:47

* hours of driving every w/e, plus whatever care your (still recovering) DH needs, plus your dc being palmed off for hours as a time. YANBU! That sounds like recipe for far too much stress.

Andro Sun 22-Sep-13 22:08:19

Duh! That should be 8 hours of driving.

steppemum Sun 22-Sep-13 22:17:16

I have a lot of sympathy.
Mum was in hospital for 5 weeks this summer. Dad wasn't allowed to drive as he had had eye op. I ended up driving to him, then to hospital, then back. One hour each way. Visiting times were afternoon/evening. I have 3 primary aged children. dh works from home and he had to cover school pick up and dinner, so effectively got his working day cut short by 3 hours.

It was just so hard, and of course all the worry was towards mum who was so poorly.

When Mum was better, she made a point of thanking dh as she had realised what my support for dad had meant for us. It made such a difference to us, that someone had noticed.

Could you take it in turns - friend do it one weekend and you the next? It is a limited time.

ICameOnTheJitney Sun 22-Sep-13 22:18:47

Yabu I'm afraid.

SleepingOnTheFloor Sun 22-Sep-13 22:28:42

So you're driving eight hours every weekend as well as looking after him and the children? I absolutely understand that he wants you to pick him up, but it's a lot to ask of you every weekend.

Maybe the aforementioned compromise, where you do it one in two weekends would be fairer?

Gruntfuttock Sun 22-Sep-13 22:47:09

I feel so sorry for the OP's husband.

If the OP was a man saying he didn't want to drive to and from the hospital to bring his wife home for the weekend he'd be flamed.

ICameOnTheJitney Sun 22-Sep-13 23:08:56

I think he's had enough to deal with without worrying about the OP driving.

YoureBeingADick Sun 22-Sep-13 23:21:55

Well if you werent super lucky to have a friend willing and able to do it then you would have no option to want it or not. You'd just have to do it like a lot of people in similar circumstances. Perhaps dh i really struggling with being 2 hours in a car having to maintain polite conversation (whilst recovering from a stroke)with your friend when he'd rather sleep. As its only for 8 weeks i'd just get on with it and manage as if friend didnt exist tbh.

neunundneunzigluftballons Sun 22-Sep-13 23:31:16

grunt anyone who would flame either party in this situation could do with an injection of empathy

hell0kitty Mon 23-Sep-13 03:53:59

steppemum I think it's the being taken for granted that gets to me, although I realise this can simply be a part of his condition. nothing I do, no effort I make is every good enough at the moment, and he never thanks me for anything I do do for him, or shows awareness of the amount of juggling that goes on ( again, I know this is par for the course). I have a thyroid condition that means I get tired v quickly, and am spending a lot of time managing the children's emotional needs, as they're all acting out in their own ways. I know I just have to get on with it, and it's not for ever, but to be honest I'm worried things will be even harder when he gets home, as he will still have limited mobility etc. And I do hate motorway driving!

Fuzzysnout Mon 23-Sep-13 06:44:37

No advice, but thinking of you. It's really tough on everyone. I hope you're ok. flowers

Ghanagirl Mon 23-Sep-13 06:51:47

YANBU, if you didn't have children too look after it would be different, but honestly don't know how your coping, do you have any family who could help out with kids or some of the driving?

vtechjazz Mon 23-Sep-13 06:54:02

Would a taxi be prohibitively expensive? For him I mean, could he taxi it home?? If it's just 8 more weeks maybe its worth the cost to make this easier.

runawaysimba Mon 23-Sep-13 06:58:19

I don't know what the answer is, OP, but I just wanted to add that YANBU. I was in hospital for two months when pregnant with DD. We lived really close to the hospital and had no other DC, but my poor DP was run ragged between work, home and me. I often told him to take a hospital break and stay away - he was no good to me if he was exhausted and stressed.
I think if it's part of his condition that he doesn't appreciate it when you do make the effort, then is any harm done if you take a weekend off?

Jaynebxl Mon 23-Sep-13 07:03:46

If it is only 8 weeks I'd go for alternating weekends with your friend who is happy to drive.

MrsBungle Mon 23-Sep-13 07:09:01

Personally, I would do it. It's only 8weeks. It's hard but I would do it.

I live in the midlands and when my mum was ill with cancer in Scotland I drove to and from Scotland every weekend for 4 months until she died. It was an horrendously hard time but it needed to happen.

BigBirthdayGloom Mon 23-Sep-13 07:15:31

I really feel for you, op. You've got a lot on your plate at the moment. We've had me in hospital and my dh only having to drive a short distance to visit and even that was a lot to handle. I made a point of telling people it was tough for him because, although I was unwell and needing hospital care, he had picked up everything I had been doing and juggling so much. I wouldn't like to say who had it hardest tbh.
None of that helps with the practicalities. But please give yourself permission to think about what you need too.

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