ARA: Does your dateability go down when you’re unemployed?


A reader asks:

I’ve been out of work for a while now, and have been single even longer. I’m wondering what you – and your readers – think about dating while unemployed. Okay? Not okay? When to tell someone? And is there a double standard for men and women in this situation?

I’m a female in my mid-30′s, previously employed in a professional capacity, who would love to end up in a long-term relationship with a male (and return to work as soon as possible, unless said male is independently wealthy, in which case I would probably want to do a bit of traveling first).

The consensus among my friends is that there is a definite gender discrepancy when it comes to unemployment and dating. I think you’re right* that an unemployed male is perceived differently than an unemployed female. In all honesty I would hesitate before dating a guy without a job, even though I am unemployed myself. Double standard? Definitely. I’m curious to see what folks have to say about it.

*She and I had some e-mail communication prior to the posting of this ARA.

Categories: Dating, Relationships, Viral
Kristi Gustafson Barlette

30 Responses

  1. Jen says:

    You say: “…return to work as soon as possible, unless said male is independently wealthy, in which case I would probably want to do a bit of traveling first.” Implying you assume he will just pay for you to travel and support you? Will just offer to take you traveling? Is there a good reason you are not working?

  2. stevo says:

    No it goes up!?

  3. BL says:

    I’m assuming that the “independently wealthy” part is just you being facetious.

  4. Dan says:

    You shot yourself in the foot with the line: “unless said male is independently wealthy, in which case I would probably want to do a bit of traveling first.” That is exactly why no man will want to date you. He will think that you are only trying to use him for a free ride. And, in your case, he would be exactly right! Men can tell when a woman is unemployed and really looking for work, and when, like you, she just likes not having to work….

  5. The crank called Ukma says:

    If your female no, but if youre a guy YES! Girls are shallow like that!

  6. Bella says:

    If I were you I would focus more on finding a job than a man…but that’s just my two cents.

  7. derryX says:

    This is the exact reason to participate in conversations with the other person. If you get a good handle on the other person’s prospects and goals, you can ultimately dictate how far the relationship should go. It’s an unfortunate fact that there are many people unemployed right now, and this shouldn’t become another barrier for relationships. Now, having no job and no goals, that’s a different story…

  8. Leigh says:

    Well, yesss, I suppose we all would love to find someone independently wealthy to usher us around the world but the chances of that are much, much, much less likely than you meeting a nice guy who makes a decent living and loves the heck out of you. I know which one I’d choose.

    But that’s obviously not the point of your question (which kind of got hijacked by that silly line about finding someone wealthy.) Anyone’s dateability goes down when they indicate that they are not on top of their game, whatever it may be. Get back into the working world as soon as you can. Get on top of your game, then this speculation about dateability vs. unemployment won’t even be an issue. Then, of course, the question will be, “Does my being in my 30s decrease my dateability?” But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

  9. Bert-Bert says:

    Why would you want to find a man before you find a job? Did you ever stop and think maybe your next job will be out of the area? If you got involved, then had to move, that wouldn’t be fair to him. Although, I shouldn’t expect someone who said, “unless said male is independently wealthy, in which case I would probably want to do a bit of traveling first.” to be anything but selfish. The only place you should be traveling to is Kelly Temporary Services to get yourself a job.

  10. goosə says:

    As long as you don’t LOOK like you don’t have a steady source of income, it shouldn’t. A person is still the same on the inside, whether or not they’re gainfully employed, right? It’s just a matter of still being presentable and confident.

  11. Kerosena says:

    What Bella said.

    And yes, your dateability goes down when you are unemployed. I think there is a double standard, and that it’s worse for unemployed men, but both genders are more attractive when employed.

    Can you please elaborate on the “independently wealthy/travel” comment? True meaning seems to be lost in translation.

  12. goosə says:

    If she found a man that was rich, she’d stop her job search and travel the world…at least for a little while.

    Translation, I’d like to learn the art of mooching.

  13. used2b egb says:

    The way things are today…give an unemployed potential partner 6mo-1yr to find gainful employment. After that… GET RID OF EM!

  14. Get Real © says:

    It all depends on the attitude. There’s a big difference between the dating prospect who woke up and found themselves without a job, and those who are content with their newfound abundance of free time.

    In my opinion, if I were single, I couldn’t be bothered with a woman who wasn’t working, and had no desire to do so.

  15. Harper says:

    I would definitely hesitate to date someone who was unemployed but I wouldn’t automatically shut the door on dating possibilities. I would hope an explanation would be given (fired for looking at porn or casualty of downsizing) and I would be see how they were handling it (sitting at home paying video games or actively job searching) before making a decision of how involved I wanted to be with the person.

  16. Sue says:

    I briefly dated a guy who was unemployed (the briefly was his choice, not mine). In this case, he was upfront about his situation, why he was unemployed, what he was doing about it, etc. He also never mooched and suggested dates where he could either pay, or at least hold his own.

    We were on an equal playing field and there was no pretense, so his employment status was never an issue.

    If you’re meeting quality people, it should not be a problem. Leigh (#8) couldn’t be more right – you have to get on top of your game. You should probably make that your focus – but if you happen to meet someone while the job search is going on, I wouldn’t let it discourage you. Just be upfront.

  17. MsLiebowitz says:

    Wow, everyone is feeling pretty literal today, I thought the wealthy guy and traveling thing was just a joke. However, to answer the question I would be less likely to be date someone who was unemployed. It would also matter if he appeared to be “employable” in the near future – has an education, trade experience, something marketable. I mean who wants to get attached to someone you might have to carry through life – aren’t most people looking for a partner?

  18. Awesomedude says:

    There sure is a gender discrepancy when it comes to dateability and employment…

    I don’t think your dateability should go down…unless your unemployment has forced you to move back in with you parents. In that case, as previously discussed on OTE you have a severe moral turpitude. Also, seeing as the economy has bounced back and is awesome again, also previously discussed on OTE, you shouldn’t have a problem finding a job.

    You might want to focus on that first before the relationship…

  19. Snicker Doodle says:

    I would love to find an unemployed man to date. It’s my dream! I can’t wait to support his lazy ass while he spends all my money. No wait, I’ve been there before, it was a nightmare, not a dream. Ugh! Would never do it again, no matter what the circumstance or what he “appears” to be. No, not everyone is looking for a partner, especially an unemployed one. I’d rather be single until my employed prince comes to take me away. I have a feeling I’ll be single for a while longer. What is it with guys in my age bracket (40 something)? No quams about women supporting them. You’d be surprised how many men are like that. Losers!

  20. goosə says:

    If I were unemployed, I wouldn’t want to date anyone.

  21. Bob says:

    Sounds like the reader would be happy with a sugar daddy. If she prefers to use the euphemism “dating while unemployed”, so be it.

  22. Other says:

    Ten years ago I would have aid your dateability is low. But since the economy is bad and not going to get better anytime soon, I think your situation is more common and I would take that into consideration.

  23. Lorie says:

    I spent 9 years supporting my ex and our 3 kids. I vow now that if I ever find a SO that person will have to make the same or more than me. That is my preference. I have worked from the time I was 16 till now and have had no problems finding a job. I don’t have a specific skill but I am eager to learn and I have not gone to college either.
    There is no way I would date anyone who is unemployed.

  24. Em says:

    If you’re not a productive member of society, how do you expect your S/O to repect you?
    You shouldn’t even be thinking about dating. Take all that energy you put into daydreaming about boys and put it into finding a job.

  25. The Reader Who Asked says:

    Thanks, everyone, for your comments. For those who wondered, I lost my job suddenly and my absolute priority is securing a new position. I forget that, even now, some people really do treat unemployment as “funemployment.” (For the record, it’s not fun at all. I’ll admit that I’ve been able to spend some beautiful days outside, but I would much prefer to be working.)

    My comment about traveling with the independently wealthy man was only a joke. Jus trying to maintain a sense of humor through this mess. Money isn’t that important to me as long as I have enough to pay my bills and put a bit aside for emergencies – like being unemployed, for example. I am not aspiring to any sort of affluent lifestyle.

    But as an adult without a lot of extra money I’ve never had a chance to do any significant traveling, either in the US or elsewhere. I’ve never had more than a week or two in a row off until now. Unemployment has given me the time to travel, but the financing will have to fall from the sky; hence the independently wealthy guy (or scratch off ticket, big win at the track, surprise inheritance from a distant relative, etc.).

  26. Other says:

    Best of luck to you, Reader.

  27. Bob says:

    Reader: with the attitude you have about income you should have no problem being “dateable” but saying that money isn’t that important to you may rub a potential S.O. the wrong way. Just having a job or income itself doesn’t say anything about fiscal realism or responsibility, but if you have a healthy attitude towards money, employed or unemployed, you should be “dateable” as it is. The trick would be finding the right guy who sees the world as you do.

    Which brings me to the question: if you met a guy, who was wonderful in every way, who then told you after a few weeks of heavy dating that he was in-between jobs, what would YOU think? In this day and age neither the man nor the woman can hold the other to standards they don’t hold to themselves.

    The trick would be how can you tell a date that you are unemployed yet still impress on them your healthy attitude towards money (assuming you really do have a healthy attitude)?

    Best of luck!

  28. Fred says:

    it is a very tough economy but still, I would think twice before dating an unemployed person. Plus I kinda agree with the others, shouldn’t she be really concentrating on finding a job. Dating takes time and work and i would rather spend that time and work on a job.

    just saying…

  29. KBDoogieHowserMD says:

    I’m unemployed. Have been for about eh..almost a year now. Market’s tough. I look every day for jobs…been on a handful of interviews…have volunteered, kept myself active, have a great support system of family and friends. Dated some unsavory fish in the meantime. Just b/c you’re unemployed doesn’t mean your life has to end completely. If you’re wise, like I am (and my girlfriend said to mention, ‘don’t forget modest’), you live w/in your means and date w/in those means as well. I happened to find a girl who loves me for me. Heck, we may even end up together for the rest of our lives. Had I not taken a chance, and lived an eeyore kind of lifestyle, I probably never would have met her though. I guess it depends on the two people, how active the guy or girl is in finding new employment, and what kind of expectations their mate has…my two cents and a bowl of fruit loops….

  30. kvp says:

    If you’ve been out of work for a while perhaps it’s time to change careers.. there are jobs out there just maybe they aren’t doing what you want. But maybe it will also give you an opportunity to meet new people from different walks of life and you may find both a job and mr. right.