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I want to have sex but my heart starts beating so fast I feel like I'm going to die!

Question - (29 September 2010) 6 Answers - (Newest, 3 October 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *weetcuty writes:

I think I have problem and I always been shy to talk about it but I can’t keep it inside me anymore I need help...

I am 23 years old and I really want to have baby so badly but the big problem is I can’t have sex I am virgin. I have been trying to make love for the past 3 years but every time we nearly doing it my whole body starts shaking my heart start beating so fast I feel like I will stop breathing and die. I don’t drink but one day I said maybe if I got drunk we can do it I got drunk but still I feel the same way. I have been with my fiancé for 5 years and he has been so patient with me by tell me that we don’t have to do it till I am ready. I feel that I am ready but I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

My mum always used to tell me and my sisters that we not allowed to sex till we find the right person. So I always used to make sure I don’t make love till I find the right person and if I do it with anyone else that my life will end. I found the right person and I am 100% ready.


View related questions: drunk, shy

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A male reader, slimfish New Zealand +, writes (3 October 2010):

slimfish agony aunti think you will find that if you keep trying just a little more, your heart will burst and you will see stars and you will call out "oh god i'm cumming" and then you will be ready for the next step...goodluck

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010):

I can't help, but would like to say he is a great man!

Firstly, you didn't mention foreplay... so I assume the following isn't the case, but to determine whether it is a panic attack we need to know whether he tried any foreplay. Obviously you realise when getting aroused (masturbation) your heart will beat faster. There is an possibility (if that was the case) that your heart might overwork, perhaps even skip a beat. The shaking from the orgasm could also explain this. I know someone who suffers from that - even with sport activities.

Secondly, if it is a panic attack (likely) you will need to work on solving this problem. Have you ever been together naked on the bed before? Perhaps sleeping together naked? (Other than when trying to make love) If so, is it something more seemingly silly like his cock? (more to the point: size) I don't think it is all too rare, but like all problems most people keep it to themselves. I don't think its too much of being a virgin worried about sex... but worrying about the first time with worries of how it will fit, will ir hurt me etc.

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A female reader, lovebird1 Germany +, writes (29 September 2010):

Hi sweet cuty,

First of all, I am sorry for what you are going through it sounds like you are suffering a lot at the moment.

My advice goes in kind of the same direction as dirtballs'. It sounds like you are getting a panic attack and/ or are afraid of something.

So maybe you would need to treat this problem like a panic disorder or some very specific kind of social phobia.

The most effective way to do that would be a method of cognitive behavioural therapy, called "gradual confrontation" to the situations or things that you fear, and waiting till the panic gets less.

Because anxiety or panic will gradually get less and less once you become more and more familiar with the things you are afraid of. Your body'll find out it can actually survive the most feared situation, and that'll be liberating.

For instance, people who are afraid of heights will choose to confront themselves by stepping on to a bridge, and while experiencing all the terrible panic symptoms, waiting until they gradually dissapear (cause that's what they'll do after 5-15minutes). When having "habituated" to stepping on to a bridge, they'll chose harder goals, e.g. looking down from a tower.

Maybe you could try e.g. confronting yourself with being naked in front of your partner who's also naked. Then if you can do that, touch your partners body and let him touch you in non-sexual areas. Then if you can do that, touch each others genitals, maybe while kissing or telling each other nice things and so on.. I think it's important you don't rush through or just stop it as soon as you feel fear. Wait and stay in the moment till the panic gets less and you feel more comfortable.

I'm not sure if that helped you, but I think maybe it's not a bad idea to try.

I wish you all the best.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (29 September 2010):

Tisha-1 agony auntIt sounds like you are having panic attacks. This isn't uncommon, some people have panic attacks before flying, for example, or before medical procedures. There is medication that can control the physical symptoms you are describing and that should be prescribed by a doctor for you.

Go to your doctor and explain about these attacks and you should be given some treatment that will help.

Good luck!

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A male reader, dirtball United States +, writes (29 September 2010):

dirtball agony auntI think you need to sit your fiance down and tell him that you want him to do it no matter what. Once you start, it will likely ease the anticipatory fear. Lay back, close your eyes and have him do it.

Another idea. Do some naked making out and have him do it without telling you first. If you're comfortable doing the other stuff, and if you don't pause and have him asking "are you sure," you may have a better chance of not freaking out.

I'm sorry, that's all I've got. Mind over matter. If you feel you're ready, then you may have to power through it at first. Then again, this may be a subconscious way of telling yourself you aren't ready.

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A female reader, Sweety Pie United Kingdom +, writes (29 September 2010):

Sweety Pie agony auntAre you currently with the right person? Maybe you don't think so and thats why your reluctant to go through with it. But he sounds like a lovely patience bloke, but I dont know him im just going on what you said.

I think maybe the problem is, you and possibly other incluences (your mum, prehaps) have built sex up into being this huge, big, scary thing. And sure its an important moment in your life, but once you've done it a few times its really no big deal. But it is amazing. I think you need to relax and take your time with this and go slowly until you feel comfortable with everything. And just remeber you dont have to go through with anything, and you can stop whenever you like. No problem :) Good luck!

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