Author's note: No, I still own nothing. Yes, I was serious about not going in chronological order. Yes, it was hard to find that many words that rhyme with 'boots'.

Whoever does not recognize this song has never watched "Spamalot".

You Can't Take On a Goron

"Hyah!" grunted Link as he shoved Bo out of the ring. He then bowed respectfully to his elder as the mayor of Ordon Village applauded the hero's performance.

"Well done, my boy!" laughed Bo. "You could be a pro sumo wrestler if you decided to put on a few hundred pounds!"

"Thanks, coach. You were right, sumo wrestling really is just like hurling goats. Well, let me put my shirt back on and I will be on my way."

"Wait, Link, there is one more thing you need. The Gorons are a burly bunch, and a normal Hylian just doesn't have the muscle to defeat one without help."

"What do you mean? How am I supposed to get past the Gorons if I cannot be strong enough?"

"There is a way. Let me explain:

"In any great adventure where you do not want to lose,

Victory depends upon your specific choice of shoes.

So listen closely, Link: don't just walk up to those brutes,

Since you can't take on a Goron if you don't wear Iron Boots.

"You may have the finest gear; you might easily hide your fear,

You might be related to a hero down your roots.

You might have even bought some Deku seeds and a slingshot

But Goron skin would deflect anything the slingshot shoots!"

"Oh, shoot!"

"You may try to use your shield and your sword that you wield,

You may even try to hire new recruits.

Though you only saw a peek 'o those Gorons in Kakariko,

I know you're far too weak-o if you don't wear Iron Boots."

"That's harsh. Well, I guess that I should get those Iron Boots and get going."

"Wait, Link, there's still more:

"Now those people are big bruisers but they are not mental losers,

You might even find their elders quite astute,

The Gorons aren't trusty and their skills never grow rusty,

Not even in the crustiest of crusty ancient coots!"

"You mean I may have to wrestle another old person? This quest is very wrong."

"Well if you're wrestling Gor Coron, don't wear sandals made of boron,


"The Gorons are peace-loving, though recently that means nothing,

They will resort to shoving as they are rolling down their chutes.

It will be to no avail offering tasty marble or shale,

You most certainly will fail as you listen to their hoots."

"You mean they are as annoying as Kaepora Gaebora?"

"No, boy, hooting is another word for laughter. Now please don't interrupt my warning again.

"There's a very small percentage that could win with no advantage,

Please don't say that you're the wimpiest of fruits.

"I'm no fruit!"

"I am only saying, Link, you should only try to think,

Against a Goron you would stink if you had no Iron Boots.

Yes, I'm just saying that with this war on, you shouldn't be a moron,

And only fight a Goron if you're wearing Iron Boots."