The Petraeus Affair Explained as High School Gossip: 'OMG This David and Paula Stuff Is Going to Ruin Graduation'

A Gawker reader pointed out yesterday that the intricacies of the Petraeus Love Pentagon are bordering on high school gossip-level insane. Since then, it's only gotten more intricate and insane. Here, we've brought in A High School Girl to break down the drama for you.

Please twirl your hair and snap your gum as you read.

'Kayso, like, forever ago—like before Homecoming—Coach asked David Petraeus to try to stop all the nerds who are ruining the school. And he totally didn't have to do it, cuz he was already captain of the football team, and he has to memorize this huge book of plays and everything. It's as big as a math book, and it has math drawings in it too, except there are all these XOXOXOXOXOs in it, like, OMG, what if it's a book of David Petraeus imagining he's KISSING me???

[Cell phone chirps]

WAIT. Ahahaha OK, that was a text from Evanna and she said she saw the shirt you're wearing today and it looks like someone ate Ronald McDonald and threw him back up. Where was I? NO, SHUT UP, I'll figure it out.

So, yeah, it took forever for David to meet Paula, cuz he had to win the War on Nerds.

Yeah, so back then all the nerds were ruining everything, cuz they all hung out in the 100 Hall, which is the one closest to the parking lot, and it's like, HEL-LO, some of us need to sneak out at lunch for a Run for the Border? And I know what you're thinking, Couldn't the football team give them atomic wedgies and get rid of them? But, like, you can't, cuz supposably someone did that to a nerd at a school in Florida and actually, like, BROKE his ass.

N-E-WAYZ, this guy named Paul with really great hair and Doug—who's the kicker but is also on varsity soccer and is a total creep BTW—were like, Let's just go kick their asses, but David was like, No way, cuz then the administration would see and maybe parents would find out and the team would get ISS. But then he was like, What if we tell the rednecks that the nerds said they were gay, and then we all hang out in the 300 Hall so you totally can't blame us if anything happens?

And that's totally what they did. All the rednecks LITERALLY 'housed the nerds, and there was pee in the hallways and everything, and it was hella gross for a while, but we didn't do it. All the nerds went away, except for a few, but they found them, cuz there was this one luscious guy named George who I swear is like THE SMARTEST guy ever but you SOOOOO wouldn't know it cuz he rides a motorcycle, and he was all, "I can find where every nerd is," cuz he was getting all of them to give him their locker combinations by giving them swirlies until they almost DIED, so he had, like, this hecka big nerd map, and they all got locked in a closet back near the boilers where even the janitors don't go, so it's like, laterz forever, nerd. Someone was all worried he might get in trouble for it, but he was like, Don't worry, my dad's a lawyer, and if the school says anything, I'll fucking sue. Now the only nerds left hang out by the portables with all the art kids who I hear worship the devil anyway.

What about Paula? I'M GETTING THERE. God, take your adderall or something.

'Kayso, Paula was on newspaper staff, and the teacher lets them do their own stories, so she wanted to cover the War on Nerds, and David was like, Alright, but you can't say some stuff, otherwise there could be detention or our moms would find out. But she was like, OK, you tell me the good parts, and I'll write those, and she did, and they were AWE SOME. Everyone had a copy in their locker, and then that's when I told Miss Britzman on yearbook that we should do a whole section on David, and Paula could write it, and I'd do the pictures cuz my dad has a good camera. So that happened, and then David was all, I wanna be Student Council President next year, so you should write some other stuff about me, and she was all, "Like what?" and he was all, "I have a car. YOLO." And he did, and my boyfriend Colin says that it's balls out and I'm like, Whatever, gross.

N-E WAYZ, David started picking up Paula and taking her to school and then driving her home, and people were like, Is something up? But the thing is, like, he was dating a girl in COLLEGE, and she was still with her boyfriend from middle school I guess cuz he lived on her block and they used to ride the bus. And people were like, NO WAY they get together, cuz he is SO a senior, and she is SO a freshmen. I heard she got to skip two grades cuz she went to a charter school that is like Kid Harvard—which I coulda gone to if I wanted, but where I went was closer to the mall—and anyway David was held back TWO YEARS cuz the new principal wanted to win State again.

And I didn't see this personally or anything, but this is what I JUST heard from Taylor, basically a little while later David's like, I think you're pretty, and Paula's all, Nuh-uh, and he's like, No, for serious, and she's all Really? And they LITERALLY HOOKED UP and nobody had ANY IDEA.

Like, what Taylor says is that they were like serious down-low for months, even during prom, when David showed up with his college girlfriend who was even older than the nurse. But then Taylor says all this stuff totes blew up on Facebook, cuz Paula saw David friend this girl Jill, and he was posting on her wall all the time, which was private. But he forgot he gave Paula his password one time when her parents blocked her account and they wanted to talk, and she logged in and could see everything, and they got the same result on a Vampire Diaries quiz, and he posted the same Taylor Swift Youtube to her page that he'd posted to Paula's, so Paula totally posted a bunch of stuff on Jill's page as David, and was all, "Fuckoff skank" and "I'm breaking up with you cuz you gave me ass herp Jill."

So now everything is literally blowing up and it's DEF going to ruin senior play day at Raging Waters AND the graduation party AND the grad trip to Cancun. OK, also Kimberly told me—no, IDIOT, Kimberly D., not Kimberly H.—'kayso Kimberly told me that Paula's middle school boyfriend has an older brother, and he's going to kick David's ass. He's supposably really big. Kim says he's a Female Body Inspector.

Oh, shit, that's my dad. I gotta go. He says he found out about me sexting and pre-funking.


Image by Jim Cooke, photo via Getty.