Captain Crunch Deserves A Promotion

Captain Crunch is America’s hardest working seaman. It’s an injustice that he hasn’t been promoted once in the 50 years he’s been in service. posted on

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Captain Crunch Deserves A Promotion
Matt Saccaro

1. Captain Horatio Megellan Crunch has been with us since 1963. That’s also, presumably, when he was promoted to the rank of captain.

2. That means he’s been a captain for 50 years.

3. That means he’s served as a captain throughout the Cold War, the Vietnam War, the Gulf War, the Iraq War, the War on Terror, and countless other conflicts throughout the last few decades.

4. In addition to his military accolades, he’s also responsible for various cereals. Such as Crunch Berries…

5. Peanut Butter Crunch

A.K.A. the best cereal ever made.

6. Punch Crunch and it’s offshoots, Vanilly Crunch and Cinnamon Crunch (they sucked but every military leader has at least one blunder)

9. He also engineered Choco Crunch

10. His most experimental creation during his days as a captain was Choco Donuts.

11. Then the Captain got really ambitious…

12. He took his command to new places, to the North Pole to design a new cereal: POLAR Crunch

13. Then into the deep sea to perfect Deep Sea Crunch

14. Then he went above and beyond the call of duty for any sea captain by going into OUTER SPACE to create Galactic Crunch

15. While in space, he befriended aliens on behalf of man kind and collaborated with them to make CoZmic Crunch.

16. When he returned to earth, he created Home Run Crunch.

17. A man who commands a fleet—whether it be of ships or cereals—is called an Admiral. He deserves a promotion to Admiral!

19. Are there other fictional military characters you feel have been looked over for a promotion? Make your case in the comments or maybe even in a post of your own!

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