My Visit to a Marijuana Anonymous Meeting

Members of Marijuana Anonymous tend to think the world consists of three kinds of people: Normies, Stoners, and fellow members of Marijuana Anonymous. Normies can take pot or leave it. A puff now and then is cool, but if they run out of pot they don’t freak out. They’re just …  normal about it. Stoners [Read More...]

Six Tips For Making Your Blog Way More Poopular

1. Ignore other blogs. Conventional wisdom has it that reading, commenting on, and linking to other people’s blogs will bring traffic to yours. But since when do people at conventions have good advice? Why would seeing you dining at someone else’s restaurant make anyone think your restaurant must be great? Act like the only party [Read More...]

Why Did the Surfer Cross the Road?

Since writing California Itchin’ I’ve been particularly aware of just how weird Southern California really is. I live in southern Southern California—in San Diego. The quality of Southern Californianosity increases, I have found, as one moves south from Los Angeles. Until finally you’re in the beach-side communities of San Diego, where, in a typical neighborhood, [Read More...]

My Bloggylaggin’ is Your Fault

“Bloggylaggin.” Sounds like the name of a flabby leprechaun. Leprechauns! Be afraid! (If you’re wondering what I mean, go here.) Today I didn’t put up a blog post all the way until right now, which is 4:30 p.m. PST. (Possibly Stupendous Turnips? Potentially Sensitive Tummy? Periodically Stuttering Transvestite? Positively Stupid Trend? Probably Should Terminate?) You [Read More...]

Why Not “Facenewspaper” or “Facemagazine”?

I’m a word guy. I would be a thought guy, but that’s an insane amount of work. In my (faceless) book, style beats substance every time, because substance necessarily leads to responsibility, which necessarily leads to me putting in earplugs and pantomiming that I can’t hear anything being said. Hey, it’s a lifestyle. Don’t judge. [Read More...]

California Itchin’


A Whole New World for Me

When I was but 50 years old, I was a fool. But now that I’m 51, all that’s changed. Now I’m like Methuselah—but without the full-on bunions. Doubt it? Really? Then check out how my opinion has changed on these Major Life Subjects since lo those many days ago, when I was but a bonny [Read More...]

Killing Cat Killers, Sort Of

5:45 p.m. Monday, March Whatever, 2009. In my wife’s office. Laptop on lap.  iTunes playing “Paper Planes” (M.I.A.), “Gold Digger” (Kanye East), “Once in a Lifetime” (Yapping Heads), “My Name is Prince” (I forget the name of the artist), “My Name Is” (by Eminememenemen), and other such songs for people like me who, dagnabit, ain’t [Read More...]

Operation 51st Birthday: The Morning After

As this morning I reflect back upon the Culture and Cuisine-a-thon to which, with such gleeful abandon, my wife and I last night gave ourselves over, I cannot help but be cognizant of the fact that herein and at this moment I have adapted as mine own the prose style of an 18th-century fop. Why [Read More...]

Operation 51st Birthday, Phase III

Phase II was: 1. Enjoy delicious glass of Hendrick’s gin (from bottle of said booze, which was birthday gift from wife Cat) whilst sitting at dining room table and chatting with said Cat, who’s lovingly insisted on cleaning kitchen and making delicious spaghetti dressed with garlic-infused olive oil (being olive oil warmed with garlic cloves) [Read More...]