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Spartacus: So What’cha Want



I’m so upset, y’all! This coming Friday is the season finale! What will we do without Spartacus in our lives for the next several months? Watch Clash of the Titans, Harry Hamlin edition, on repeat? Actually, I’m kind of okay with that. But, f’realzies, I’m having withdrawals already, this show is getting rillyrilly ridiculously good looking. But let’s just take some deep breaths into a paper bag and prepare ourselves for what will invariably be the most intense finale since Achilles sprained his ankle. That’s how that happened, right? Remind me to fact check this later.

Solonius is all sorts of disheveled, sitting underneath the arena where he waits to get a haircut via gladiator. After a brief “Haha, I framed you!” from Batiatus, he heads out to the barber’s chair where he’s greeted by Spartacus. After some dancing around each other, Solonius tells Sparty that Batiatus was the real villain. Sparty’s all “Duh, he’ll join you soon. Now, how do you want to do this?” Solonius tells him to take a little off the top but Sparty gives Ol’ Sally the Marie Antoinette Special. Why don’t barbers ever listen?

Once at the ludus, Batty meets Ashur and tells him that he gets to move out of the ludus and wear fancy robes and oh how about you celebrate with any slavegirl you like? Gross. Ashur, being the sleazeball he is, asks for Useless Handmaiden. GEE, WHY WOULD HE WANT TO DO THAT? Useless McGee meets him in his room where she reveals that she’s never been with a man except for Crixus, which no one’s supposed to know about shhhh. Lucretia Lohan’s all sorts of upset with Batty because she was saving Useless for a special occasion? Like, what, a nobleman played by Kevin Sorbo? ZOMG how awesome would that be? I mean, K.S. showing up, not K.S. with… Useless… let’s just move on, kay?

Ke$ha shows up, having told Batty and Lucretia Lohan that Glaber was coming. She’s all “Oh, he’s on his way but he wants to meet you at the gates of the city which is, like, waaaay down at the bottom of this mountain. Run fast, I’m gonna go eat grapes.” I have a confused because instead of distracting Ke$ha, Lucretia Lohan decides to try to make sweet Maru videos with Crixus. But why would she do that with Ke$ha in her house? I thought she was trying to be discrete? Doesn’t matter, she doesn’t get to because she gets stomach cramps and falls to the ground BECAUSE SHE’S PREGNANT. SURPRISE! (not really surprised).

Batty meets an impatient Glaber and tells him about his political plans. He tells Glaber that the people won’t only cheer for the gladiators, they’ll cheer for Glaber, which I guess made sense in Ancient Rome. Glaber decides to play along but first wants to see all of the gladiators, including Sporadicus.

Sparty, who spent the entire episode moping and planning Batty’s impending doom, gets mocked a bit by Glaber for becoming a lapdog. Glaber tells Batty that he wants a demo from Spartacus. Sparty heads into the main hallway with his practice swords, waiting for a Wonder Twin, but instead Glaber starts sending out his guards. Batty’s not happy, but Sparty’s totes fine. He beats the men senseless until only four are left. Then the show played the meanest trick by doing a slowmo montage that made it seem like a “TO BE CONTINUED” was about to appear on the screen! Not okay! Fortunately, things speed up and Sparty leaves all the men dead/unconscious on the ground! Hooraaay! Spartacus kneels and Glaber’s like “FINE. I’ll help you, Batty. GAH!”

Ashur suddenly slithers over to Uselessness which sets Crixus off. HE attacks Ashur full-force and Ashur’s all “I knew Useless was with someone before me, and now we know who!” Lucretia Lohan takes Useless back to her room and beats the snot out of her for sleeping with her boytoy but Useless is all “Crixus never loved you!” This sends Lucretia Lohan over the edge and she sends Mira to find her a knife. EEK.

As Glaber and Ke$ha are about to leave, unhappy with what Crixus did, Batty and Lucretia Lohan stop them and tell them they have one last gift. Ashur comes walking up with a box and I’m like “please don’t be a head, please don’t be a head.” IT’S A HAND! A decaying nasty hand, belonging to Licinia, and they tell Glaber all the awful things Ke$ha did while he was away. Glaber freaks and says he’ll help them to avoid embarassment and makes Ke$ha stay with them. She gets all sorts of pouty.

After being whipped by Doctore, Crixus tells a madeover Uselessness that he’ll buy his freedom and find her. Useless tells Doctore not to let him because Barca never bought his freedom, he was killed by Batiatus. GASP. Batiatus, meanwhile, tells Lucretia Lohan to stop seeing Crixus BECAUSE HE KNEW ALL ALONG. (GASP) and to focus on the baby. Down in the dorm rooms, Spartacus tells the Wonder Twins about his plans to escape and they’re all “how you gonna do that?” and Spartacus responds “Kill them all.” GASSSP!!!

OBVS, the title of the episode, “Revelations”, was perfect. All the secrets were pretty much revealed. Doctore knows what happened to Barca, everyone knows about Useless and Crixus, we know Lucretia Lohan is pregnant, yada yada yada. So what’s to come next week? The episode is called “Kill Them All”. So who do you think will make it out alive? Aside from Spartacus, I’m betting on Doctore and Crixus, clearly, and possibly Lucretia Lohan strictly because she’s with child and it’s totally Crixus’ baby. But Batiatus is sooooo dead and it will totally be epic. I. Can’t. Wait.

The finale of Spartacus airs this Friday at 9 p.m. on Starz.

Nathan is also watching V on ABC.

Nathan V