Cow Corner

99 Red Buffoons

Cow Corner looks back at the historic Stanford match, a game marred by the fact that England were useless.

Due to the credit crunch, Cowers had to try and power his laptop on Lidl home brand batteries and hence was unable to provide a live service but here are our in-game notes.

Pre-match: Kevin Pietersen wins the toss and elects to bat. The $20 million on offer is the largest single payout for a sporting match but there's still not enough cash for Rudi Koertzen to get a shirt that fits. The umpire strides out in a magenta number, that was the F5 key on the spectrum keyboard wasn't it.

Eng 4-0 (1 over) - The first ball from Darren Sammy is a wide - could be a wide, he could just be useless. Dave Mohammed misfields, there is definitely a gag somewhere about him and profit but then we remember what happened to those Danes.

Eng 13-0 (2 overs) - Matt Prior smashes the first boundary of the evening, he looks to the stands - possibly for adulation, probably to see if his wife is sitting on something more comfortable than a Texan's thigh.

Eng 19-0 (3 overs) - Nasser Hussain calls England's opponents the West Indies. What on earth would make him call a team of West Indians playing in the West Indies, the West Indies. Stanford's hired goons are soon in the com box to tell him it's Stanford.

Eng 22-2 (4 overs) - Two wickets for Jerome Taylor. A lady is going wild on the boundary, she must know his chip and pin number.

Eng 27-2 (5 overs) - The cameras pan to a fan waving an England flag, that's 33% of the travelling Barmy Army in one shot. No need to hire a coach, a taxi would have done.

Eng 30-3 (6 overs) - Owais Shah holes out to Mohammed at long-on. Coach Eldine Baptiste has had them on the carrot diet so they can spot the ball out of these lights which are powered by 60 watt blubs.

Eng 31-3 (7 overs) - David Lloyd: "100 countries are watching this, Albania, Yemen and possibly Mars."

Eng 34-4 (8 overs) - Sammy removes the leg stump of Pietersen. Bumble muses "flying fish, flying stumps." The first shot of Stanford in the crowd, he's not eating - how un-Texan.

Eng 40-4 (9 overs) - Tony Cozier explains that it's Antigua & Barbuda Independence Day. The biggest shock of Cowers life was when we found out that Cozier was a white guy.

Eng 43-4 (10 overs) - An attempted chat with Rammy Sarwan on the outfield. Sarwan "I can't hear you." Cozier: "You'll have to speak into the microphone." Sarwan: "Jerry, pull the high end out. I'm still getting some hiss back." Cozier: "Say something about the cricket!"

Eng 46-4 (11 overs) - The South African Charles Colville, Mike Haysman, has a chat with Peter Moores on the boundary. He says England are dealing with the pressure well. The scoreboard suggests that Moores is a big fat liar.

Eng 54-5 (12 overs) - Flintoff goes after an ugly heave. They play 'no woman, no cry' over the PA - that's Sir Allen's theme song.

Eng 56-6 (13 overs) - Paul Collingwood is superbly caught by a diving Sarwan. The cameras focus on KP who looks like he invested in an Icelandic bank two months ago.

Eng 60-7 (14 overs) - Luke Wright goes for the big hit but Sammy holds another skier on the boundary. Money for Nothing comes on the PA. You know Dire Straits leadman Mark Knopfler doen't use a plectrum - that's what England need at the moment - courage...and possibly bleeding fingers.

Eng 64-8 (15 overs) - England are now relying on Samit Patel, the "boy from nowhere" according to Hussain although Leicester is more accurate.

Eng 72-8 (16 overs) - Bumble claims that in the UK, bars and clubs are packed to the rafters watching the cricket. Cowers texts the Ministry of Sound who confirm this is a fib.

Eng 79-8 (17 overs) - England may not have turned up but E Xtras is having a blinder, nine wides - star man!

Eng 86-8 (18 overs) - This is so one-sided that Stanford considers cancelling all future series and sponsoring a 20 million quid winner takes all current vs legends darts competition with pub league rules. Jocky Wilson to open up with a pint of pernod.

Eng 92-9 (19 overs) - Patel is run out by Chris Gayle after making 22 - England's top scorer. The tourists have eased to 10000-1 for the win with the satchel swingers.

Eng 99 (20 overs) - Mr Benn bowls Harmison and England are all out for 99. They set the Superstars 100 to win, it's just a crass marketing ploy to help math-challenged Americans understand the game.

Superstars 2-0 (1 over) - Frenetic activity between innings as England players phone builders around the UK to cancel extensions while the Porsche dealership in St John's Wood sees a 750% rise in cancellations. Harmison opens with a maiden, the run rate is over five - we're in this!

Superstars 15-0 (2 overs) - Andre Fletcher smacks three boundaries off Stuart Broad - he's got a bucketful of cash and a nightclub to get to, take yer pick tonight son.

Superstars 22-0 (3 overs) - All this pressure can't be good for Gayle's dodgy ticker, he smacks a boundary to help the valve.

Superstars 27-0 (4 overs) - Flintoff into the attack. If England win it from here forget the pedalo, he'll hijack a cruise boat.

Superstars 49-0 (5 overs) - Gayle smacks Harmy for six over long-on and then over mid-wicket into a neighbouring island quite possibly. 22 from the over. Rik Waller's mum is warbling - the fat lady is singing!

Superstars 58-0 (6 overs) - Stanford thinks the game at Lord's should be better branded and considers moving it to Stamford Bridge with Roman accepting $1 million dollars to change one letter. Stamford Brook tube station is a back-up with Broad confident of getting some seam movement off the District Line.

Superstars 67-0 (7 overs) - Patel comes into the attack but Gayle hits him for a huge six. "Mercy! Chris Gayle gaan mad!" That's PA Dave's verdict.

Superstars 71-0 (8 overs) - Forget the spare room....KP's in the shed tonight, Jessica might have to do another record, dear God!

Superstars 79-0 (9 overs) - Another huge six from Gayle - his fourth - this time off Graeme Swann. "Matthaattime," shrieks PA Dave, he must be on a slice of the loot.

Superstars 83-0 (10 overs) - The West Indies dressing room are no longer watching the cricket and are instead surfing the web for investment opportunities. Sarwan calculates he can buy all of Cleckheaton with his cash.

Superstars 85-0 (11 overs) - Gayle reaches his half century off 33 balls. Stanford is worried that 20-12 could be a branding problem back in Texas.

Superstars 93-0 (12 overs) - Sky squeeze in one more advert. If you play it backwards, it's the sound of Bob Willis shouting "TERRIBLE ENGLAND"

Superstars 101-0 (12.5 overs) - Gayle smashes another huge six to bring up victory and the ground goes ballistic. Stanford leaps over the hoardings to run on the pitch - that's a £50 fine, I suppose he can afford it.

And there we go a projected 700 million viewers have witnessed England trounced and a few guys from the Caribbean get very rich.

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About Cow Corner

Cow Corner had a sheltered upbringing - it was educated from home and forfeited text books for hardback copies of Wisden Almanack with the only visual stimulation being the John Player League. "Cowers" is the illegitimate sibling of Early Doors and can often be seen on park benches around St John"s Wood trying to sell signed copies of Colin Dredge’s autobiography. Cow has been known to bowl some military medium whilst wielding the long handle at the bottom of the order and answers to one God and one God only, that known as Benaud.