Written for the Baby It's Cold Outside Contest: Winner – 2nd place Public Vote

Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. No Copyright infringement is intended. But if you steal my Hobo, I'll sic Crazy on you.

Lizzylillyrose – this couldn't have been written without you. Thank you for all of your time and love put into this. You get visiting rights to the Hobo every other weekend.

SandiCarr and ginginlee from PTB – thank you for making this shine.

Thanks to my Twilighted beta AngelGoddess1981 for taking on this fic!

I wasn't from Forks. The very idea of living somewhere that had more rainy days than sunny, snowy, or dusty days combined really didn't make it on my top ten cities to live in - that Facebook app did not know what the hell it was talking about. And green? Green really wasn't my color. I was more of a light brown with yellow and reds mixed in kind of girl.

The wildlife wasn't something that sat with me well, either. Spiders, armadillos, crocks? No problem. Lions, tigers, and bears? Fuck that. Okay, so more like mountain lions than, you know, Africa lions…and the tiger thing might have had been a stretch, but bears. Definitely bears. Big, scary, big teeth and huge claws, ready-to-eat-you-seven-ways-from-Sunday, kind of bears.

Yeah - not my thing. I mean, I was all about being eaten seven ways from Sunday, but the creature dining on that meal usually had a very skilled tongue and a very pretty cock. Just saying.

But even I had to admit, Christmas in Forks beat out any Christmas in Arizona. These fuckers got snow! Not the fake shit, either. You know that kind that they put around Santa when you take pictures of him in the mall? Try catching that mess on your tongue, and you would be scarred for life. Nah, they got the real deal. They had told me the only thing they had to worry about was when the snow was yellow. I asked Ali what that meant, and she looked at me like I had just bought something from last fashion season. "Haven't you ever had a dog, Bella?"she had asked.

Had she not heard my stance on creatures with four legs and fur? Apparently not.

But stay away from yellow snow – got it.

So yeah, back to my ramblings. ADD was tough shit to deal with. Oh, right, Forks. Yeah, Forks sucked ass…eeeexcept in December. Then it just became magical. I kept waiting for Snow White to pop out from around the corner. And then I would remember Alice and do the very attractive, completely normal, face palm maneuver. The Cullens were like their own Disney characters. Alice, with her pitch black hair and pale skin, plus her freaky love for small rodents, had Snow White down pat. And then there was her brother's girlfriend, Rosalie. Even she made it on my To-Do list. I kept offering a little threesome action for her, Emmett, and myself…ssssssadly, she said that I couldn't handle her pussy. Pssh.

Disney characters – yes, right. She would totally kick Sleeping Beauty's ass. Even Rose knew that she was hotter than anything those fuckers at Disney could come up with.

And Esme, sweet, sweet Esme, Alice and Emmett's mom, was the best princess of them all. Her lightly tinted red hair reminded me of the fish girl… Ariel? But her kindness, patience, and stunning beauty made her a princess of her own. More like the queen of the Cullens. She should have had her own special queen name. Hell, she should have gotten her own motherfucking island. IsleEsme. I lol'ed at myself. What a stupid idea.

And then there was Daddy Cullen. Ohhh, baby. He was totally like Aladdin.

Ha! Just kidding. He would totally be… hmm, let's just keep with Daddy Cullen. Yeah, that fit him well. That pretty fucker. It wasn't fair that Esme didn't share. Obviously they skipped over the whole sharing concept in kindergarten…first Emmett not sharing Rose, and then Esme not letting Daddy Cullen have some fun.

Big sigh.

We should have totally brought back Hooked on Phonics to teach them that shit.

So, yeah, Christmas at the Cullens. In Forks. I once asked if we could visit the sister city of Spoons, and then the small towns across the state – Knives and Spatula. They didn't get it. Beauty didn't always come with brains. Or they just didn't find it funny…moving on.

But I loved this place – as long as the bears were tucked away in hiber-thankfucking-nation, I was good! And plus, spending Christmas here was a much better option than going home to Phoenix and spending it with the foster parents of the century. And since, technically, I was over the age of eighteen, they didn't count as my foster family anymore, so it was nice to have another option to where I got to spend the holidays.

Alice was actually my college roommate…and the best thing since sliced bread – or you know, gin and tonics, but nonetheless, she was pretty spectacular.

And, being the awesome friend she was, she invited me home with her our first Christmas together freshman year. I was all shy, bashful, and polite in my decline. Then she had told me I would get a taste of the for-real white shit, and I hopped on that plane faster than the roadrunner himself. Then I found out she was talking about snow and not Daddy C's…ahem…bbbut, by that time, it was too late. So, here I was, three Christmases later, still hoping for a taste of the magic Cullen Christmas special, but also enjoying my bear-less family holiday.

Yeah, that's right. These people were my family. My own fucked up, dirty Disney family.

I was so excited to go home this year. I couldn't wait to give Esme and Daddy C their present! I had bought them a nice ass, way-too-fucking-expensive, but totally-worth-it-because-they're-so-pretty camera! You would think, with being as beautiful as they were, they would pull a Nick and Jessica and put pictures of themselves all around the house. But they hadn't. In all the years that I had known them, I hadn't seen one family picture. But we were going to get one this year. And yes, I said we because I was a part of that shit. I even bought a special frame that I so very nicely decorated myself with my awesome design skills. Okay, so I just put Disney princess stickers around a dark wooden frame, but still, it was poppin'.

Poppin'? Yeah, I said it. It was poppin' like N'sync boy band style. Oh, JT, how your earring did it for me.

"Bella?" Alice interrupted.

Right, time travel away from the 90's.

I lifted my pointer finger up, telling her to wait while I still had my eyes shut.

"Bella, come on, leave the fantasies of Justin Timberland behind, and get back with me."

I opened my eyes and glared at her. "First of all, it's Timberlake, and secondly, how the hell did you know I was thinking about him?"

She laughed and sat back in her seat on the plane. "You get that stupid little smile. You know how it makes me feel when you think of him that way."

"You're just bitter because Lance turned out to be gay. Don't hate my 90's wet dream just because I actually still have a shot of it coming true."

"The day that you sleep with Jason is the day that The Situation loses his orange glow."

"JUSTIN! It's Justin, Alice!"

"Yeah, yeah, Justin, George, and Rob. They're all the fuckers we're never going to get our hands on, so lose the hope, sista. It ain't happening."

"Oh, Alice, I love how you talk gangsta to me. Do it again, baby."

"Brotha! Gettin' in da club," she cooed. "Fly like a G6."

"Oh, yes! Yes!" I moaned. "More! Please, more!"

"It's hot in hurrr, shawty!"



"Uh, excuse me," the guy across the aisle interrupted. We both turned to stare at him. He might have recoiled a tiny winy bit. "Can you girls keep it down, please?"

"You are dumb," I stated, looking at the guy.

"Really, really dumb," Alice continued.

"Fo' real!"

He looked at us as if we belonged on Shutter Island and kindly repositioned himself in his seat and looked away.

"Peeps just don't get it," I sighed, popping the collar of my plaid button down.

"We can't all be playas."

"Don't be a playa-hata," I rapped, awesome hand motions included.

We both giggled. Yeah, giggled, get off my dick. Giggling is totally socially acceptable.

"So," I began, changing the subject. "What did you get me for Christmas?" I asked excitedly.

Alice rolled her eyes. "I didn't get you jack shit."

"Oh, come on! I know you want to tell me! Can I get a hint? Like a little clue every day leading up to Christmas. It will be like our twelve days of Christmas TV special."

"How is that a TV special?"

"Just go with it, Alice."

She started playing with her skirt. "I'm not kidding you, Bells. I didn't get you a damn thing."

We both laughed. I loved getting presents from the Cullens. After eighteen years of diddly-squat, being spoiled rotten with their high dolla shit was pretty fucking awesome.

"Yeah, I didn't get you anything, either."

"Good, I hate when you buy me things."

We both laughed again.

I suddenly felt the effects of our laughter on my precious baby bladder, and I stood up and stepped over Alice so I could make my way to the built in port-a-potties in the back. I was halfway there when I heard the little ding.

"The plane is making preparations to land. Please take a seat and buckle your safety belts."

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I scurried even more quickly towards the potties.

"Ma'am!" Damn."Ma'am, you need to go take a seat."

I turned around and saw the attendant approaching me.

"I'll be real quick! Totally an emergency."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I cannot prevent this plane from landing just because you need to relieve yourself."

I quickly surveyed how close I was to the bathroom, and, with a last call decision, I ran the remaining distance and quickly locked myself inside. Yes! High five for the home team!

She started banging on the door. "I need you to come out and take your seat, please!"

"One…" unzip, squat, ahhh! "moment!" I suddenly felt the plane descend, and the turbulence caused me to hit the side wall. "Fuck!" I mumbled. Now I had pee all over my leg, and my head hurt like a little bitch. I heard the attendant snicker. F-you, man! I gave her the middle finger from the potty.

After relieving myself, no, not that way, I wiped up my leg of pee and went to stand up.

"You have got to be kidding!" I exclaimed, probably a little too loudly, as I saw bits of pee dribble down my jeans. "Mother fucker!"

I sighed, washed up as best I could, unlocked the door, and walked back to my seat. And they weren't kidding about that seatbelt shit, either. I was flopping around all over the place trying to make it back to Alice. Some guy even had to reach out and steady me. Or maybe he was just trying to cop a feel of my ass. I shrugged it off and gave him the benefit of the doubt, anyway. My ass could use come good hand action.

When I finally got back to Alice, she scrunched her nose. "You smell like piss."

A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I grabbed my belt and clicked it into place. "I fell in."

"Again? Come on, Bella. I thought we talked about this. Potties are for dead fish and puking, not for swimming."

I turned to glare at her.

"I don't pee in your pool, don't swim in my toilet," she laughed.


"Do you have any Advil? I have a headache. I smacked my head on the wall."

"Wow, sounds like you had an exciting trip back there."

"Don't be mean, just give me pills."

She reached down to get her purse under the seat, and when the plane moved suddenly, she smacked her head on the seat in front of her.


"Uhh, Alice. What the hell was that?"

"What was what?" she asked when she was upright again, rubbing her head and digging for the pills in her purse simultaneously.

"That word? What the heck was that?"

She giggled. Oh, God. I internally rolled my eyes. "It's English."

I looked at her questioningly. "No, Alice, that was not English. This – fuck, shit, motherfuckerpussyass – is English."

"British English, Bella. It's much classier, don't you think?"

"Alice, twenty minutes ago you were rapping gangsta slang to me. You don't get to be classy."

"Well," she scoffed, "Jazzy likes it."

"Ugh!" I groaned. "I hate his bloody English accent."

She giggled again. "You said bloody! He's totally rubbing off on you, too!"

"No, Alice, he is not rubbing anything off on me," I clarified. "I just happen to use that word all the time," I justified.

"Bloody, bloody, bloody!" she exclaimed in a terrible adaptation of English speak.

"Please stop!" I begged, covering my ears. "My head already hurts from the potty excursion."

The plane finally landed on the long, paved drive.

"How funny would it be if the plane hit one of the runway workers?"

"Alice! That wouldn't be funny at all."

"It's not like I want him to die or anything, I just think it would be funny. How cool of a story would that be? 'So how did you break your leg, man?' 'Oh, I was hit by a plane.' Awesome shit right there!"

"Oh, Alice, your male voiceovers are so terrible."

"Don't hate my deep voice. It can get real low," she said, lowering her voice as low as it would go. "Get low, shorty!"

"And the American slang is back."

"For now," she said winking. "Jazzy gets in tomorrow. We'll have lots of British fun once he's here."

I sighed again. "I hate that you have a boyfriend. Now everyone's coupled off, and I'll be forced to entertain myself for the next month."

"Oh, Bella. Don't pretend that you don't already entertain yourself quite well," she hinted.

"Don't be pervy, Alice," I scolded.

The plane had stopped and was hooked up to the walkway, and everyone stood up and got their bags, Alice and myself included.

"Don't worry about it, Bella. I'm sure this will be a Christmas to remember, no matter what, who's with who, or who's not with who."

"You're not even making sense."

"Just keep your head up, Bells. I have a feeling this will be our best Christmas yet."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I sighed.

"But you do really smell like pee."


By the time we got back to the humble Cullen abode… okay, scratch that… by the time we got back to the Queen's palace, i.e. the Cullen house, I was pooped. The flight from Arizona had me wiped, and I was ready for my daily nap. Yes – I took naps daily. It was totally normal.

Rose drove to Seattle to pick up our sorry asses and drove us the remaining way to Forks. It had been a long day, and the sun had already peaced out a while ago. I was surprised to see that no one was home when we got there, but I didn't really think much of it. My brain had already shut off and was ready for me to put it to bed for an hour.

I climbed both flights of stairs and headed to what I claimed as my own bedroom on the third floor. I didn't know why the Cullen's bought such a big house for only having two kids, but I was not complaining. The third floor bedroom was the shit dipped in chocolate. It was perfect, a huge bed in the center, a ton of old records hung on the wall. No TV, but it had the best little balcony on the far side of the room. I loved standing out there while it snowed. The many-a-colds that were caught while doing so could go fuck themselves.

I sighed happily. I was back in my little snowed-in paradise, and, without even turning the light on, I climbed my tired little behind into bed and under the soft comforter, resting, oh so delicately, onto the massive pillows.

Sleep claimed me quickly.

I had the strangest dream. It really was so weird. I felt warmth, smelled cigarette smoke mixed with woods, and heard heavy breathing. It was quite delightful, except that I hated anything woods-related, and my ex-boyfriend smoked like a chimney, so I might have still been holding a bitter grudge about it. And heavy breathing – what, was this some horror movie? Or horror dream? I wasn't much of an actress…

Weird, right? No! Not weird, because when I opened my eyes from my dream, I saw another person in bed with me.

I sat up screaming and quickly turned on the side lamp.

This smelly, grungy, hobo-looking man was sprawled out on the other side of the bed. What the fuck, man! This was my bed!

"Get out of my fucking bed!" I yelled, further waking this obvious homeless person who must have climbed the side of the house and come through the door on my balcony.

"I'm going to sic Daddy C on you, you sick shit!"

"Hold on one fucking minute," Hobo-Joe – yes, I mentally named him – said, rubbing his tired eyes and sitting up. Stupid homeless man, with his full beard, and shaggy hair. Yuck.

"Me hold on?" I exclaimed in disbelief. "I don't think so, pal. You know it's illegal to break into other people's houses!"

"Illegal? Breaking in? What the hell are you talking about? And why are you in my room?"

"Your room?" I gasped. "I don't think so, Joe, this is my room."

"Joe? Are you on crack or something?"

"Whoa, buddy, I don't know what you guys are doing out there on the streets, but I am not into the heavy stuff."

"You've fucking lost it," he said, laying back down and snuggling under the covers – my covers! "Now, get out of my fucking room you hot, but very annoying, yapper."

"Yapper?" I was offended! I did not yap!

"You have the wrong house if you think this is your room. This room, this bed, these awesome posters of JT on the wall, all belong to me."

"Wrong house? I'm sorry, is this not the house of Carlisle and Esme Cullen, because last time I checked, they still lived here."

I sat, mouth agape. Hobo-Joe really did his homework.

"And no, yapper, this is not your room. This is my room. I grew up in this fucking house, I picked out this bed, those are my records on the wall, and as soon as I wake up in the morning, I am going to burn every stupid poster you have in here. So, please, get the hell out, and leave me the hell alone."


There was a knock at the door. "Bella?" I heard Alice call.

"Alice, come in here and tell this homeless man to get out of my bed!"

She walked in and gasped at the sight. Her pale face got even paler. Joe looked kind of shocked too; he sat up quickly as soon as Alice stepped through.

"Alice, do you have your cell on you? We need to call the cops."

She didn't respond. "Alice? Did you hear me?"

She and Joe just stared at each other for a while.



Joe - er, Edward, stood out of the bed, his back facing me.

"Hey, Alice," he murmured softly.

She ran towards him, literally jumping into his arms and wrapped her small body around his. He responded equally, holding onto her tightly, swaying back and forth.

"I've missed you so much."

What the fuck was going on?

"What the fuck is going on?"

Emmett came barreling through the room. "Edward!" he exclaimed.

Alice was put down and Emmett and Hobo-Joe embraced tightly. I was so confused.

I glared at all of them. "Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?"

"Will someone please tell yapper to fucking shut her yapper!" Edward yelled.

"Uh, Bella," Alice began, "this is my big brother, Edward."

"Big brother? You've never told me about another big brother!"

"See – I'm no homeless, bed robber. You, stupid child, are in my bed. Tell her, Alice, this is my bed." God, he was so annoying. I rolled my eyes at his petulant tone.

"Don't roll your eyes at me," Edward demanded.

"I don't really know what to say," Alice mumbled at the same time.

"Bella," Emmett started, "this was Edward's room growing up. But, Edward, this has been Bella's room for the past few years. She's a part of this family, man."

"What, did they adopt you or some shit?" he asked me.

I shot him an angry look, on top of the already angry look I was sending him. "No, they did not adopt me. I'm Alice's roommate at ASU."

"I'm not following how this became your room, then."

"Bella doesn't have a family," Alice clarified.

Well, thanks for that bitch slap, Ali.

"What I meant was," she shot me an apologetic look, "we are Bella's family. She comes here during school breaks, and this has become her room."

"I don't understand how my space can be just given away!" he shouted.

"Well maybe if you came home, I wouldn't have taken it," I snapped back.

They all gave me weird looks. "I would have liked to come home. But there was a little problem with that option."

"Which was…"

"Jail, Bella," he said my name with such distaste. "I've spent the last five years in jail. Now, this is the first time I'm sleeping on something other than a metal cot, so I would appreciate it if you got the fuck out of my room so I could get a decent night's sleep!"

Jail! Jail?

"You were in jail!" I exclaimed. Wow, my mind had lost a lot of cleverness over the past ten minutes.

He gave me a look that I thought he thought would be scary. It wasn't.

"Look, Joe, you don't intimidate me, so you can put your little looks away. Not needed here."

He looked confused. "Why the hell do you keep calling me Joe?"

"Hobo-Joe. That's what I named you when I first found you in bed with me."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," he sighed. "You are a fucking lunatic."

I jabbed him with my finger. "Hey! I take that personally, Joe. No crazy speak! And plus," I continued, "You smell awful! You're going to stink up my covers."

He stared at me blankly. "I smell awful? Have you taken a whiff, Bella? You smell like old pee!"

Alice started laughing.

"That's it!" I stood up, storming to the other side of the bed and to where he was standing. I took his arm and started pulling him towards the door. He stupidly complied, completely taken aback from my actions, and I successfully pushed all three of them into the hallway. "Now, stay the hell out of my room!" I slammed the door shut and locked it.

Stupid fuckers. They were ruining my dirty Disney Christmas.


I kept myself locked in my room for the rest of the night. I was bitter that the homeless man thought this space was his, and I was mad that the homeless man really wasn't a homeless man at all…but a Cullen.

He doesn't get a Disney name, I thought to myself, as if keeping him from my own mental nicknames would make me feel better.

It did.

Never mind, he got a name…Scar. Yeah, that fucker killed Simba's dad and tried to steal my room. I sat and pondered how I could combine Scar and Hobo-Joe. Hmm…

Scar-ho-joe? Joe-bo-scar? Joe-Scar? Fuck face?

I giggled to myself.

Egh, I gave up. I would just stick with calling him the two at different times. My ADD brain thanked me for the opportunity to be especially ADD.

I said, "You're welcome." It might have been out loud.

But after a while of sitting on my bed, thinking angry things to myself, I decided that I should probably shower and get some sleep. It was going to be a long month home if I had to deal with Hobo.

Like, seriously! Did they not have razors in jail?

Okay, stupid thought.

But did his face have to be that hairy? He looked like he belonged in the forest. Hmm… Maybe he was a were-wolf, changing back into his human form. That would explain the hair and the smell. I bet jail was just a cover up.

Yeah, totally made sense.



It had actually happened. I couldn't believe it. My parents had actually let a legit, insane person into the house. They had lost it. She had lost it.

I was currently sitting outside of mybedroom, my back pressed up against the door. There was no way I was going to give it up without a fight.

Crazy had no idea who she was going up against.

So I sat, and listened, and the longer I was there, the more I was convinced that this whole family needed to join the mental ward.

I heard her say things, random fucking things. Like Scar, you're welcome, and even some laughing. Who laughed out loud to themselves? Crazy fucking people, that was who!

The clinically insane. The mentally handicapped. That girl.

I sighed and continued on with my waiting. It would happen, eventually. She couldn't stay awake forever.

A little while after I heard the shower shut off, I listened for the sound of steady, heavy breathing. I prayed that she was a heavy sleeper…otherwise, I would be in deep shit.

But I was a smart man, and I had no doubt whether I would be able to pull this off. Crazy was going to pay.

My ears were amazing. After spending that long in prison, my senses needed to be keen. When I heard her deep snores- yeah, Crazy snored – I picked the lock to my room. Did she really think I didn't know how to do this?

I pushed the door open slowly, thankful that it didn't squeak, and tiptoed into the grand space. Before doing anything, I walked to the other side of the room and opened the door to the balcony. Damn, it was cold. I almost felt bad…almost.

I strode quietly back over to the bed and, as gently as I could, lifted Bella from her sleeping position; she stirred lightly in my arms, tucking herself into me. This was weird. It was almost…nice…Nope, not going there. Even though, she really was a lot more beautiful when that big mouth of hers wasn't yapping away.

While in prison, there were many nights when I thought about what my first night of freedom would look like. Carrying a hot woman out of my bed was never one of them. But, nonetheless, I carried Crazy out onto the balcony and laid her down gently, walking back inside to get a blanket. I chose the one from off the back of the couch that was on the other side of my room. I laid it over her carefully, trying to be at least a little nice, and walked back inside, locking the door securely and leaving the blinds wide open.

I wanted her to see in the morning just who got to sleep in that bed.



I woke up sneezing. Sneezing.And wheezing. What the junk?

I opened my eyes all the way, and I knew I couldn't actually be awake. I had to be dreaming. Dreams that consisted of being covered in snow!

No, no, no, I thought to myself. Alice was Snow White…not me!

I stood up and took in my surroundings.

"THAT MOTHERFUCKER!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. I whipped around and saw Fuck Face sleeping in my bed.

"You have GOT to be kidding me!" I exclaimed, picking up the blanket and reaching for the door handle.

Fuck, it didn't budge. I was boiling with anger. My skin had goose bumps from my extreme hate, not because of the extreme temperatures. I was so pissed; livid didn't even come close to describing it.

I was this close to punching in the glass on the door when I saw the sleeping bastard awake. He didn't even look over at me, but the smirk on his stupid hairy face let me know that he knew damn well I was no longer sleeping.

That stupid fucker trapped me out here. I started banging on the glass.

He laughed and finally got his ugly ass out of bed. Of course he had to do a full on stretch before he made his way over to the balcony. I saw a glimpse of his stupid abs. Ugh. I groaned to myself, or you know, out loud for all the damn squirrels to hear me.

"Good morning, yapper," he said when he opened the door. "Bella," he sighed, "what are you doing out there? You know, sleeping outside is for dogs." He chuckled and looked all smug.

So I sneezed right in his face.

"Fuck!" he swore, wiping off my snot.

I pushed him aside and stormed in, sneezing again. Great, now I was sick.

"I hate you so much, Scar! I can't believe you locked me outside all night!" My poor voice sounded so deep and full of sickness.

"You deserved it. This is my room!" he tried to reason.

"Don't even start with me about whose room this is. Daddy C is going to be so incredibly pissed when he finds out what you did!"

"Tattletale," he shot back, voice steady.

I turned around to face him head on. "Excuse me?" I seethed.

"You heard me. Tattletale."

My face must have been bright red, for all of my blood rushed straight to my head. Smoke had to have been escaping from my ears. "You will pay for what you did to me, Edward Cullen."

He smirked. "You can do whatever you want to me, Bella. But this bed is mine. Remember that."

"Oh, I'll give you something to remember," I said as I stormed into the attached bathroom to take a hot shower. And you better bet your ass I used all of that hot water. It was that shithead's turn to experience the cold.

I walked out of my bathroom when I had finished, yeah, that shit belonged to me, too, and found my room thankfully vacant. I dressed quickly in a simple pair of jeans and cream color turtleneck sweater. I hastily threw my wet hair in a bun on top of my head, and I didn't even bother with any make up. I already felt the effects of spending the night in the artic creep up into my well being. I literally felt like a bobble head doll with my head so heavy from the approaching cold.

That stupid, annoying, homeless fucker. He didn't even make the bed after sleeping in it. I guffawed without humor at his thoughtlessness… How expected. I continued to strip the bed; I didn't want to crawl back into that mess after his nasty body sprawled out in it all night. The sheets smelled like smoke and bears.

Did we need to go back over my stance on bears?

I wondered silently to myself – no, I didn't always speak my delicate thoughts aloud – how I would get Fuck Face back for last night. I really just wanted to call up Daddy C, but Hobo-Joe called me out on that shit like he was my ten year old brother, which brought back awful memories of my foster years. I wouldn't succumb to that again. So, the next best thing was revenge.

I would go Taylor Swift on his ass. I, of course, would be the beautiful blonde, and Joe would most definitely be Kanye. Stealing my moment, stealing my bed…totally one in the same.

I had made my way downstairs, noticing the majority of the Cullens gathered together in the kitchen, only excluding Alice, who I guessed had left to go pick up Jasper. I saw that Scar was perched up on his little stool, shoving Esme's delicious biscuits into his disgusting hairy mouth.

I may have groaned out loud in repulsion because everyone turned around to look at me.

"Good morning, Bella!" Esme and Carlisle greeted, both of them welcoming me into an embrace.

"I'm sorry we didn't get to see you last night," Esme said, returning back to the stove. "You were already asleep when we got home." She seemed especially fidgety; I wondered what had gotten into her.

"Oh, Esme," I spoke sweetly, "I'm sorry, too. You guys missed quite the introduction between Edward and I. Isn't that right, Edward?" I addressed the now scowling hobo.

"You didn't miss a thing," he countered.

"Oh, Joe, don't be bashful! It was…so thrilling!" My voice feigned excitement. "You see, I was fast asleep in my bed, and when I woke up, I saw this homeless man, which so hilariously turns out to be the charming son you never told me about, in bed with me! Ring any bells, Edward?"

"Edward!" Carlisle and Esme scolded at the same time.

"I didn't know she was there!" he reasoned. "When we got back, I just walked up to my room and crawled into my bed without a second thought. It was dark and quiet. How was I supposed to know that you let a stray dog into the house?"

They sighed. "I'm sorry, you guys," Carlisle said. "With all the craziness of yesterday, I didn't even think to explain to either of you about our situation." Carlisle seemed tense… Carlisle never seemed tense! I figured Edward's homecoming affected them, too.

"Don't worry about it, Daddy C. We worked it out." They shot me curious looks. "Edward, oh so kindly, offered to take up residence in the extra guest room from now on."

"I did?"

"He did?" they all said at the same time.

I nodded. "He did!" I wrapped my arm around Fuck Face. "Ain't he the sweetest?"

Esme smiled proudly, and Carlisle, with a small hint of skepticism, accepted with a nod.

"All right, then!" I exclaimed. "What's for breakfast? I'm starving!"


"Bella, did you put a load in the wash?" Esme asked me, walking into the living room.

We all had been gathered there for a few hours now. I was reading an updated fic on my laptop, Alice and Jasper were making out on the couch, Rose was painting her nails, and Emmett and Hobo-Joe were watching Secret Life of the American Teenager.

"Oh yeah! I washed my sheets earlier today…they smelled kind of funky."

"Did they smell like piss?" Joe said smugly, keeping his eyes glued to all the pregnant ladies that the show provided.

"No…that wasn't it. It was more like a mix of bad body odor and cigarette smoke. It must have been when Edward crawled into it last night."

Everyone kind of stopped what they were doing and looked at Edward and me.

"I don't have body odor!"

"Yeah, says yourself," I reasoned, admittedly sounding like a thirteen year old school girl.

"At least I know how to use the bathroom. God, I haven't peed on myself in years."

"Yeah, Alice told me about that time in middle school. That must have been pretty traumatizing."

"What the hell are you talking about, Crazy?"

"Crazy! There you go with the crazy again! I told you, enough with that!"

"Crazy, crazy, crazy!"

"Hobo, hobo, hobo!"

We were literally yelling at each other across the living room.

"Wow, you two are pathetic," Rosalie said loudly, ending our back-and-forth name calling.

I huffed and sat back in my chair, crossing my arms. Now I was all angry again. How was I supposed to enjoy Harry and Cedric slash if I was this angry? I bitterly shut down my computer and made my way upstairs to my room. I was in no mood to be around anyone.

"Oh, no you don't!" Edward yelled, jumping up from the couch, running after me.

So, logically, I started sprinting up the steps.

"That is my room!" he yelled.

Fuck. "It is not!" I yelled back, climbing the stairs two at a time.

He and I were neck and neck when we reached the hallway of the third floor, and I literally threw myself into the bedroom. Sadly, he got there at the same time I did, and I couldn't lock him out.

"Get out!" I cried.

"You get out!"

"God, Joe, go be annoying somewhere else. I really don't want to be anywhere near you right now!"

"Then go to the guest room where you belong."

"I don't think so, buddy. You don't get to kick me out just because you came home from prison."

"You don't get to go and steal my room just because I was in prison!"

I huffed and sat heavily on the sheet-less bed. "Why were you in prison, anyway?" I asked. "No one even told me you existed!"

He sighed and sat down next to me. "Yeah, I told them not to tell anyone about me."


"It's a long story, Bella. I don't really want to get into it."

"Fine," I grumbled. "Just do me a favor and stay away from me, okay?"

"I'll leave you alone as long as you get out of my room."

"You are like a ten year old, I swear!"

"Yeah, and your mouth doesn't seem to have an off button."

"And your body doesn't seem to have a face. Shit, I didn't even know someone could have that much hair. I bet you have lost rodents running around in there."

He half smiled. "I like it."

"Well, it's ugly, so it definitely fits you."

"Ouch," he said chuckling.

I rubbed my head. "You give me such a headache."

"Yeah, well you gave me your cold when you sneezed on me earlier."

"You locked me outside!"

"You were sleeping in my bed!"

"That's no good excuse!"

"Yeah, well, next time you'll know."

"I really, really hate you."

He smiled at me. "Feeling's mutual." We both sat in silence, both of us refusing to leave the room that we had claimed each as our own.

"So, why do you hate me so much?" he asked. "You know, besides for locking you outside."

I groaned. "Because you smell, and because you stole my bed."

He chuckled.

"Why do you hate me so much?"

"Because you yap, and because you stole my bed."

"I do not yap," I said softly. He laughed loudly.

"Oh, you most definitely yap!"

I huffed. "I might also hate you for something else."

"Yeah, me too."

"You go first," I said.

"I hate you for replacing me," he said scowling, almost embarrassed.


"What?" I said, looking at him, shocked.

"Don't make me go into it, Bella. You know exactly what I mean."

We both sighed. "So why else do you hate me?" he asked.

"Because…this is my only family. They didn't even tell me about you. I feel really, really excluded."

"Damn-it, Bella, don't feel that way. I asked them not to."

"How? You didn't even know I existed."

"Well, not you specifically, but they told me Alice had a friend come home sometimes a few years ago. I begged them not to tell you about me, to take down all the pictures, to keep me a secret. It was that way for everyone who met my family after I was sentenced."

"But why?"

"I didn't want to ruin your view of them."

"How would that ruin my view of this family?"

"Because it's not perfect. I'm the bad seed, the black sheep."

"I wouldn't have thought any less of them…or of you, for that matter."

He laughed without humor. "Thanks."

"This is the only room that I've ever gotten to call mine," I finally admitted.

"What?" he asked.

"I grew up in foster care. My dad died when I was two, and my mom went nuts. She tried to kill herself a few times, and they finally put her into a facility. She died during my senior year of high school."

"Wow, Bella. I'm really sorry."

"Oh, it's fine. I don't have many memories of them. But the foster program was tough, always moving into different houses with a ton of children. I never had my own space…until I came here."

"This place was always my escape," he admitted. "From the drugs, from the life I lived. It was my only place of purity."

"So you went to jail for drugs, then?"

"Uh, kind of. I got really messed up one night…my nineteenth birthday. I was out with a few friends, got really drunk, and took some heavier drugs. I ended up stealing a car and crashing it into some guy's house. I don't really remember it."

"Was everyone okay?" I asked.

"Thankfully, yeah. James got sent to rehab and was on probation for six months, and I got the five year deal since I was driving."

"That really sucks." Yeah, I had no other words…bite me.

"Yeah, well, I just had to pay for my actions. I had to take responsibility."

"Have you been clean since?"

"Oh yeah. Being fucked up in jail isn't the best idea. You always had to watch your back."

"So is what they say about dropping to soap true?"

He laughed again. "I guess. No one really approached me."

"Lucky you."

"Yeah, lucky," he mimicked.

"I'm glad you're out now."

"Are you?" He turned and looked at me seriously.

"I mean…my approaching sickness from sleeping outside all night isn't too thankful, but I am."

"Why is that?"

"Because now I get someone to yap at."

We both laughed this time. We sat quiet for a little bit after that.

Fuck Face looked around the room. "These posters really do have to go," he grumbled.

"Oh, no, no, no. I don't think so. That is Justin Timberlake!"

"I know who he is, Bella. He's been around for over a decade now. I'm just not okay with having teeny-bopper posters in my bedroom."

"Okay, we really need to settle this whole 'whose bedroom this is' thing."

"That's easy. It's mine."

"You really are ten, aren't you?"

He smiled. "Okay, let's make a deal. We can switch off. I'll have it one night, and then you can have it the next."

"Is that the best I'm going to get?"

"You bet your ass it is."

"Ugh, fine. I get it tonight, then."

"Yeah, yeah, I guess you deserve it since you did sleep on the balcony."

"Bastard," I mumbled. He laughed.

"By the way," I said. "If you touch these posters, I will kill you."


So Joe and I were on common ground – got it. I still thought he smelled, though. He finally left me alone in my room, and I was able to enjoy my fanfiction in peace and quiet. But I eventually got bored.

I internally admitted that I missed having someone to yap at. And I was not a yapper! But the hobo was fun to mess with. I especially enjoyed it when he would get all angry and the skin between his eyebrows got all crinkly. I giggled. His face could get so ugly at times.

I tried to think of ways to get him back. I didn't really think the whole getting him to agree to stay in the guest bedroom in front of Esme and Daddy C did it, considering Joe and I had come to our own agreement.

I scratched my head…literally…or was the term scratching my brain? How the heck was I supposed to scratch my brain? Damn-it.

Now I'm just off course. Hobo-Joe,right.

Hmmm, I thought, hoping if I hummed out loud a thought would come to me sooner. It totally worked. I was a fucking genius, remember?

Joe had stated multiple times that he found me attractive… Sure, some of those times he told me he thought I was prettier without the continuous talking, but nonetheless. He thought I was hot stuff. I wiped the dirt off my shoulder like a true gangsta.

I got off the bed and started searching through my clothes. Maybe the prospect of having a fun Christmas wasn't ruined after all.

After finding my tight gray dress and black heels that I really had intended for Christmas Eve, I dressed, applied some make-up, and took my hair out of the dreaded bun on top of my head. Because I'd had it curled up there all day, when I let it fall down my back, it laid in large, natural waves.

Yeah, I had kick ass hair, totally went along with the rest of me. I laughed at my own conceitedness. Maybe it just helped that I didn't find the hobo attractive at all. Sure, he was tall, and lean, and sculpted, and had great abs, and…

Fuck. Okay, so maybe I found him slightly attractive. But just in the smallest bit, though. His face still grossed me out. Maybe if I'd set mouse traps around the bedroom, the rodents would come out of his beard, and he would be so grossed out that he would force himself to shave.

Okay, now I was just being ridiculous. Back to plan: "Stealing back my fucking Disney Christmas from Hobo-Joe." Wow, that was a long fucking title for a relatively simple plan. My ADD was very excited.

I high-fived my reflection in the bathroom mirror and headed downstairs. It was just past seven, and Esme was putting the finishing touches on the dinner table.

"Can I help you with anything?" I asked, walking into the dining room.

"Oh, Bella! Don't you look nice!"

I blushed; yeah, I sought out Esme's approval. She was the only mom I really had. "Thanks," I said shyly. Where the hell had all of my confidence gone?

Ugh. I mentally listed off all the reasons why I made it hot in hurr when I heard someone else walk into the room. The hair on the back of my neck stood up and a huge grin spread across my face. I knew it could only be one person. Only one Cullen had that affect on me.

"Daddy C!" I said excitedly, turning around to see Carlisle taking a seat at the table.

"Hi, Bella! You look nice! What's the occasion?"

"Oh, this old thing? I guess living with Alice is just rubbing off on me, after all!"

He laughed, and I was thankful he took the blatant lie. I purposely left the room and walked into the kitchen. If I wanted my plan of seduction to work, I had to make a grand entrance in front of Joe.

After I was sure that everyone was seated at the table, I might have used some old school spy techniques to figure out this information,I took a deep breath and strode through. My head was held high, my legs looked extra long, thanks to the killer heels, and my hips literally sashayed.

I felt good, I felt strong, I felt…the floor.

And then I heard the laughter. I groaned and allowed Emmett to help me off the ground. Fucking, fuckady, fuck. Stupid, stupid, stupid, Bella. I tried to save face, and I put on a smile, taking my seat eloquently. Unfortunately, I was seated right across from a now very laughing, still very ugly, no longer, never really was, homeless man. I could have smacked that ugly smile off of his ugly face.

"You okay there, yapper?" he asked, bellowing with laughter after he got out the words.

"Oh, I'm fine. How are you, Joe? Enjoying your first real supper in five years?"

The rest of the people around the table got eerily silent, but the hobo kept laughing.

"It's fantastic. Almost as fantastic as that display you just put on for us. Come up to my room later, you can give me a repeat performance." He tried smiling seductively; obviously, he still needed a lot of practice in the art of seduction.

Suddenly remembering my plan, I slowly glided my foot up his covered leg. The hairy smile was gone very quickly. "Yeah, I bet you would like me to fall on something else."

Emmett laughed. "Bella made a sex joke."

Rosalie smacked him for me. God, I love her.

"So, uh, Edward," Carlisle cut in. "Tomorrow we need to do some shopping."

"Shopping?" Alice, of course, out of the whole conversation fixated on that word.

"Shopping for what? I don't need to go shopping!"

"Well, you need some new clothes. Everything else you have is from high school."

He shrugged. "I like my clothes."

"Yeah, because you look especially homeless while wearing them." I chuckled. "I know a place where you can go shopping! It's a cute little place, right behind Walmart."

"I thought there was only a dark alley behind Walmart," Esme said, confused.

"Oh, it's perfect! There are so many different dumpsters to choose from!"

Everyone laughed, Daddy C and Esme included, yeah they got my humor, but Edward just scowled at me. I had yet to remove my foot, which was now so expertly placed between his thighs. My toes pressed against the obvious hardness that had appeared over the last few seconds. I rubbed my foot steadily along him, watching his face for a reaction.

"Okay, I'll go shopping. As long as Bella goes with me. She seems to be the expert on fashion advice." Fucker.

Alice scoffed, and I hastily removed my foot from his groin. I hated shopping.

"That sounds like a great idea!" Esme exclaimed.

I groaned out loud.

"It's a date then," Edward said, winking at me.


"Looking forward to it," I said, sweetness lacing my voice

"But why should we wait until tomorrow?" he continued. "The stores are open later for the holiday season. We can go tonight! You can wear that killer dress."

"You're just packed full of so many good ideas," I shot.

He smirked. "I'm packed full with many goodthings," he hinted. I gagged. Emmett laughed. Typical.

"Okay, Eddie. Tonight sounds great, then. Ohhh! You still meant the shopping. Right, right. That sounds great, too."

I noticed something flash across his deep green eyes, but he quickly covered it up by winking at me again.

That time it wasn't as gross.


"I need you to drive," he said, tossing me the keys to Carlisle's Mercedes.

"Damn straight, I'm driving! I love this flippin' car!" I may have pranced, with a special little twirl to boot, to Daddy C's love machine.

"Did you just call this Daddy C's love machine?" Edward asked incredulously.

Shit. Did I say that out loud?

"Just get in the damn car." He complied while laughing his tight, little ass off. Yeah, I said he had a tight, little ass. So what?

While I was driving the love bug, Edward had to mess with all of the radio controls. "God, don't they have any good music anymore?" he complained.

I dug through my purse on the center console and pulled out my iPod. "Here, put this in."

He did as asked, and soon we were blessed with the lovely sounds of the Backstreet Boys.

"Wow, I'm shocked!"

"What?" I asked, confused.

"I would have thought for sure you would have been totally against BSB, you know, since they were direct rivals with Nsync."

I looked over at him, shocked. "You're really caught up on your boy band knowledge!"

He smiled shyly. "I may know a thing or two."

"I'm pleasantly surprised, Mr. Hobo."

"I'm glad, Ms. Yapper."

We sang happily, well, I was very happy, I wasn't sure about Joe, "Quit Playing Games With My Heart," all the way to the store.

But damn, Edward was one pain in the ass to shop with. Holy shit, people! I had never seen one man try on so many different articles of clothing in one sitting. And, to make things even worse, he made me sit in the dressing area with him. I had to either approve or deny every outfit. It was like our own Project Runway.

"You're so fucking annoying," I told him, after sitting in the store for an hour. I, of course, approved every outfit, hoping it would move the beauty queen along. He was much pickier.

"I just want to have nice clothes, Bella. I've been in an orange jumpsuit for way too damn long."

I groaned. "Okay, okay, point taken. Just come out of the room, let me see what you have on now."

The bastard came out in just his boxers…his very tight, jet black, man panties.

"Edward!" I shouted, covering my eyes. He giggled,yes, a grown man fucking giggled, and ran back into the locked room.

"You are so gross."

He laughed, coming out of the room again, this time, thankfully, in a pair of jeans.

"Do you really find me that repulsive, yapper?" He spoke seductively.

"Yes," I confirmed, refusing to look at him. I knew his stupid abs would be back, with his stupid defined chest, and his stupid hip lines. "Question, though!" I said, lifting my eyes and fully taking in his body. I stood up and ran my hand down his chest, switching on the sexy charm. His breath hitched, and I knew I was on my mark. I tantalizingly traced patterns with my fingers across his torso. "If you have so much hair on your face, why don't you have much hair on your chest, and more importantly, what does this hair…" I traced his happy trail, "lead to when excited?"

He smirked, his hands dancing to my sides to hold me to him. "I already told you, I'm packed full of many good things."

"Hmm," I hummed thoughtfully, "I always heard the best things come in small packages? Something you want to tell me, Hobo?"

"If that's the case, Bella, you are going to be very disappointed with my anything-but-small package."

I pressed myself up tighter to him, lightly roaming my hands along his chest, his sides, and hooking my fingers at the top of his jeans, the tips of them disappearing under the waist band, teasing, taunting.

"Fuck, Bella," he practically moaned.

"Is something wrong, Edward?" I asked innocently.

He tried to regain himself. "Nope, not at all."

"Good," I said, removing myself and picking up my purse. "Now get dressed, I want to go sleep in my bed."

I went straight to my bedroom when we got back, and I enjoyed the crap out of it. It was like my first night in here all over again.

The next few days, however, went by quickly, and for the most part, uneventfully. The hobo and I, of course, exchanged not-so-nice words back and forth, and I might have worn extra low cut clothing and tight jeans, and he maybe walked around in just his boxers most of the time, but really, it was totally uneventful.

But soon it was Christmas Eve, my second favorite day of the year. I woke up really early that morning from my bed, yes, the night before was my night again, and I showered quickly, making myself all presentable for the hobo to drool over.

I was downstairs in the kitchen before everyone else, making breakfast for the family. When eleven rolled around, I couldn't help but constantly turn my head in search for Fuck Face. He never showed.

"Where is Joe?" I asked Alice.

"I'm not sure. He left the house earlier this morning."

Hmmph, I pouted to myself. Whoa, yapper, why are you so excited to see Joe? Did you just call me yapper? I accused my inner monologue! Get over it, yapper. Go find your hobo.

I surrendered to my pushy-inner-being and left the kitchen, running into a stranger in the foyer. I saw the long, lean legs first, dressed in a pair of very fitted dark jeans, and my eyes roamed up to his torso, which was wrapped tightly in a white button down. Oh, I was such a sucker for white button downs. I might have let out a moan, just a wee-one, though. I had never been so attracted to a man in my entire life.This one even beat out Daddy C. I know, shocking.

Oh, well, hello! I cooed internally.

"Uh, hello?"

Damn-it! Was that out loud again?

"Yes, it was."

I threw my arms up in defeat. "I'm sorry, who are you?" I asked the beautiful looking man before me. I took time to ogle his fascinating jaw line, his strong, long neck, his ruby lips. His eyes were piercing green, bold, dark, inviting but powerful. His hair was short, mused sexily, but calm, tamed. This man would make the perfect porn candidate…I needed to tell my Twitter whores ASAP.

Prince Charming – yeah, he got a Disney name, too – just laughed. "You are a funny one, yapper," he said, walking right past me and into the kitchen.

WHAT! No… It couldn't be!

"HOBO-JOE!" I yelled, completely shocked. "Is that you?"

He turned around. "Merry Christmas Eve, Bella," he said winking and then walked away.

I was left, speechless, unable to move. Fuck Face had a face…a very pretty face. A very, very fuckable face. Well, I'd be damned.

"You shaved your beard off! And did you get a hair cut!" I followed him into the kitchen. I watched as he grabbed an apple from the fridge and took a huge, juicy bite out of it. I watched as his lips went around the fruit and how his tongue made sure he got every last bit of juicy goodness. Get a grip, Bella.

"Yes, Bella, get a grip." He started laughing again.

I groaned and left the kitchen. "I get the room tonight!" he yelled after me.

"No, shit, Sherlock," I spat bitterly. I needed to get a grip on things…quickly. Very, very quickly.

The rest of the day was a blur. Alice and I did our last minute shopping, and while I was out, I was able to pick up my gift for Joe. It was the best gift ever, if I said so myself. I ordered it off Amazon a few days ago, and I was extremely happy Fed-Ex delivered like Santa Claus himself.

The fucker would love it.

It was family tradition to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, that way on Christmas we could sleep in and just enjoy the day together as a family. Yes, it was sappy; no, I didn't give a shit. This was my family, and this was how we did things.

Alice, bless her heart, gave me my Christmas present early. She surprised me in the guest room, handing me a perfectly wrapped green gift. I opened it, and inside was a stunning short, black dress. Apparently, it was some fancy designer name, but my fashion I.Q. was seriously depressing. I loved the thing, anyway!

After dolling ourselves up, while of course listening to late 90's blessed music, we made our way downstairs and joined the rest of the Cullen clan in the living room. The tree was all lit up, packed full of presents underneath, and Christmas music was playing in the background. It was like a Hallmark card…that sang. Yeah, those were the shit.

Edward, Joe, Hobo, Scar, Fuck Face, whatever the heck I decided to call him, was sitting on the ground, his back resting on the edge of the couch. He had on black dress pants, a black undershirt, and a black and gray stripped vest. Oh, he looked good. Fuck, I was in trouble.

I'd purposely ignored him all day after our kitchen run in, but now I was forced to sit in his beautiful, homeless-glory presence. He looked up when I walked in, and he didn't even try to disguise his ogling of me. A smirk resided on his now hairless face, and his eyes roamed slowly up my body. At least I knew I still had the same affect on him.

Maybe I could finish this after all.

"Hi, Joe," I said slowly, sitting down on the couch next to where he was sitting so my smooth, long legs were right in his face. Yeah, he loved that shit. He tipped his head back, looking at me upside down.

"Hi, yourself, yapper." He lifted up his arm so it rested on my crossed legs, his hand running up and down my calf.

Damn, he was good at this. "You're awfully touchy tonight," I commented.

"Don't pretend you don't like it when I touch you."

I shrugged, indifferent.

He laughed, scooting impossibly closer. Yeah, okay, so I liked it when the hobo touched me. My inner-self giggled, my outer-self rolled her eyes at her.

We got started with the present opening, all the big dolla shit being tossed around. I got Alice some Louie V sunglasses and a Kate Spade bag, she squealed like the small rodents she loved so much. I didn't really pay much attention to what other people got. But I noticed Joe. I noticed his hands, his fingers, as they made patterns on my bare skin. I noticed his chest, as it rose and fell with each breath. I noticed his smile…now that it wasn't covered in hair, it was really quite beautiful.

I leaned down so my mouth was right next to Edward's ear, my nose making a small path around it before I spoke. "I got something for you," I whispered.

"Bella, what the fuck? I didn't get you anything," he said panicky.

I chuckled. "Don't worry, Hobo, the gift I got you is really for both of us. I left it in your…well, my bedroom…for later," I hinted.

He smiled wide, squeezing my leg. Yeah, I had him.

It was my turn to open my gift from Esme and Daddy C, and boy, they did not disappoint. I opened up the long black box and removed a silver charm bracelet, with a charm of the Cullen crest dangling beautifully.

"Everyone in the family has one, Bella," Esme explained. "It was only right you would get one, too."

I gushed like a child, hugging my parents tightly. Yeah, fuckers, I told you this was my family.

We finished our gift giving and we all just stayed in the living room for a while, talking and catching up. Esme and Daddy C had relaxed significantly about Edward's homecoming this past week, making the room calm and inviting again. We were a perfect, huge family. All of our different quirks and personalities fit together perfectly.

I suddenly remembered my reason for buying the camera for the Cullen's, and I forced everyone up so we could take a family picture.

Edward groaned. "I hate pictures," he complained. "Why do we have to do this?"

"Shut it, Hobo. I just want to make sure this is a Christmas that we'll always remember."

"I think this is a Christmas to remember without the picture," he mumbled.

"Sit your ass down and smile pretty," I said, pushing him on the couch and taking a seat on his lap.

The self timer on the camera went off and snapped…forever marking this moment, this family…this Christmas.


I went to bed earlier than the others, exhausted from waking up so early that morning. I climbed into the bed of the guest room and snickered at what Edward would find waiting for him in his room. Again, best Christmas present ever.

I lay there, tired but unable to fall asleep. My mind kept wandering to my delicious looking Fuck Face. He really was very pretty. But part of me missed his hobo beard. It made him my hobo. My Hobo-Joe.

It had been a full day of sexual frustration, hell, a whole week of sexual tension. And it wasn't like I brought Old Faithful to Forks with me. I sighed, now worked up and really unable to sleep. I thought about how his long fingers stung my legs, how his body looked when he walked around the house half naked, how delicious he smelled now that he wasn't using a public, prison shower.

I shut my eyes tightly, pushing my reindeer-silk pajama pants down my legs and throwing them on the floor. I felt the tank top had to go, too, since it matched the pants. The reindeers shouldn't be lonely.

My mind really was messed up. Why the hell was I thinking about reindeer while pleasuring myself? ADD was such a bitch sometimes.

I tried to refocus, Joe, Joe, Joe…Edward, Edward, Edward. Strong, fit, sexy, delicious, Edward. His smile, his laugh, his deep voice, his piercing green eyes. I pushed my fingers through my slick folds and moaned at the deep feelings spreading through my body. My back arched slightly off the bed as I pushed my fingers in deeper, in and out, switching between stroking inside of me and making small circles around the other sensitive parts of that fuck awesome area.

My fingers were soaked, and my moans got louder. I tried to be quiet, but I really wasn't good at that. Like Joe had said, I was a yapper.

"Oh, fuck!" a deep voice bellowed next to me.

I snapped my eyes open at the words that most definitely weren't mine.

My hobo was standing next to my bed, his face still as stone, shocked…turned on? Well, I would have fucking hoped so.

"Don't stop. Please, don't fucking stop," he pleaded, his eyes roaming down my naked body.

"Come here," I said. He complied, climbing on to the bed, still in his Christmas suit. I pushed him up so he was kneeling, his cute little ass resting on the back of his legs, and I sat up in front of him in all of my naked glory. His eyes devoured me, a low growl escaping his lips.

I took his arm, releasing the cuff link in his shirt before going to the next. I was slow, tantalizing. I worked through the vest next, pushing each button through and removing it from his shoulders. Edward kissed my neck while I worked through the buttons of his black dress shirt, finally revealing his beautiful, sculpted chest.

When I was finished, I crawled up onto his lap and took his right arm. I held his hand in mine, bringing it to my mouth and kissing the pad of each finger before slowly running it down my neck, chest, and stomach, finally placing it where I most wanted him.

He played me slowly, and I writhed on top of him deliciously. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he worked me from the inside out. His fingers were long, reaching, talented, knowing. His heavy breathing egged me on, pushing me further. He leaned me back slightly so he could take my breast into his mouth, running his tongue over my wanting nipple, grazing it with his teeth to make me fall faster.

I gripped onto him tightly, running my hands through his silky hair, as he listened to the deep sounds that came out of my mouth, matching the burn that was building in my body.

The pressure increased, and he sped up his actions.

"Look at me," he demanded. I complied; he could have told me to do anything in that moment and I would have done it.

When I met his eyes, they were blazing. I had never seen a more beautiful color green. But then he cut off his eyes and gave me his mouth, kissing me so hard, with so much passion and desire. All the tension, the banter, the back and forth between us were put into this kiss. It was a kiss to last for centuries. It was a kiss that sent me over.

I spiraled down in his arms, my lips unable to hold the kiss as sounds of pleasure escaped my mouth instead. He kept with his actions, bringing me to the highest of heights, all while continuing his incredible kisses down my neck. And all with his damn fingers. Fuck, this guy was talented.

I collapsed heavily on his lap, when I came down from my Hobo-high, and he pushed me back into the bed, lying on top of me. And, let me tell you, there was nothing better than almost naked Hobo-Joe lying on top of you.

"You need to get naked, Joe," I said breathlessly.

He kissed me then, pushing his tongue into my mouth, dancing, exploring, devouring. Mmmm…hobo kisses. I really, really liked some hobo kisses.

He finally broke away, breathless. "I came down here to yell at you," he admitted. "And then I find you doing that. Fuck, Bella," he panted.

"What?" My post orgasmic, foggy brain couldn't keep up. "Why were you going to yell at me?"

"Because of the fucking Christmas present you got me, yapper!"

Ahhh, that. "Did you not like it?" I asked sweetly.

"Bella…you bought me Nsync sheets and Justin Timberlake pillow cases," he deadpanned.

I laughed hard, throwing my neck back. He grabbed the opportunity and kissed me there.

"I'm going to get you for that." He removed himself from me and stood up.

"Where are you going?" I asked, worried. He responded taking the top sheet off the bed, wrapping it around me and lifting me up off the bed and into his arms bridal style.

"We're not doing this here."

"What, why?"

"Because we've been fighting about that damn bed for a week. If I'm going to make love to you, yapper, it will be on mybed."

"You mean my bed," I seconded.

"Don't test me."

"So we're really going to do it on the JT sheets?" I asked excitedly as he climbed the stairs, carefully looking out to make sure there were no spectators running through the house.

He laughed. "Consider it my Christmas present to you."

"Yes!" I said, high fiving myself.

"You really are my crazy, aren't you?" He laughed, shaking his head.

I kissed his neck. "And you really are my hobo."


So, it's official. Fuck Face knew how to fuck. Oh, he fucked me so good. We lay in bed together the next morning. I fell asleep on my back, passed out from pure exhaustion, and he collapsed on top of me, wrapping his strong arms securely around my body, staying that way throughout the night.

Last night was the shit. I got the Christmas present I waited three years to get. A taste of the magic Cullen Christmas special. Yes, it was the for real white shit I thought I would have gotten with Daddy C all those years ago.

But the hobo served up quite a delicious special, himself.

Nom, nom, nom.

"What the hell are you saying?" Joe asked groggily.

"What?" I responded, confused. I thought I was talking to myself.

"What is a nom?" He lifted his head to look at me, his green eyes sparkling.

"A what?"

He chuckled and kissed me. "Never mind, yapper." He kissed me again. "Merry Christmas."

I pulled his face back to mine, totally aware of the morning breath but not really giving a fuck. "Merry Christmas, yourself."

"Mmm, that it is." He shifted, and Santa's sleigh was back to life, ready to give me the ride of my life.

"Don't tease me, Hobo. Give it to me," I begged, writhing underneath him.

"What's the magic word?" he taunted.

"Fuck me now, or I'll do it myself."

He laughed, easing into me. Yeah…fucker was good. Real good. And all of it for JT to watch.

This was the best fucking Christmas ever.


End Notes:

Thanks for reading! – Hope you laughed along with their craziness.

Please review!