Aviva Stadium, 7.45pm

Northern Ireland v Wales - as it happened

Jokes, quiz questions, a genie and a win for Wales in a desperate match at the empty Aviva Stadium
Aaron Ramsey
Aaron Ramsey scores a goal. Nobody really cares. Photograph: Julian Finney/Getty Images

Preamble: Evening all. Tough sell this one, eh?

The story so far: Wales have been tonked by Scotland and the Republic of Ireland. Northern Ireland have been tonked by the Republic of Ireland and Scotland. Wales are third, played two, lost two, goals scored one, goals conceded six. Northern Ireland are bottom, played two, lost two, goals scored zero, goals conceded eight.

The verdict so far: "It's the last time Wales will play in the tournament in this format," says Gary Speed. "If it's not a level playing field there's no point in the tournament whatsoever. This hasn't been a level playing field. I don't think too many people have benefited from the tournament." Gareth McAuley: "It's a commercial stunt really. If they used international dates during the season it would be a lot more beneficial. I don't know whether the format of playing all the games in one stadium works. It's unfair on the supporters who have to travel."

So not exactly a roaring success.

We can't even pretend this will decide the identity of the worst international side in the British Isles, because neither of these sides have been at full-strength. Perhaps the best way to sell this is as circus-freakshowery. Will the crowd make it to four figures? Just how behind-closed-doors will it feel? I reckon they need over 500 through the turnstiles to prevent the Aviva Stadium entering our top 10 of the world's biggest emptiest stadiums.

Tonight's teams:
Northern Ireland: Jonathan Tuffey (Inverness CT), Lee Hodson (Watford), Colin Coates (Crusaders), Gareth McAuley (West Brom), Craig Cathcart (Blackpool), Josh Carson (Ipswich), Oliver Norwood (Manchester United), Robert Garrett (Linfield), Johnny Gorman (Wolves), Niall McGinn (Celtic), Warren Feeney (Oldham). Subs: Blayney, Winchester, Boyce, Dallas, Owens, McQuoid.

Wales: Wayne Hennessey (Wolves), Chris Gunter (Nottm Forest), Daniel Gabbidon (West Ham), Danny Collins (Stoke), Neil Taylor (Swansea), David Vaughan (Blackpool), James Collison (West Ham), Aaron Ramsey (Arsenal), David Cotterill (Swansea), Steve Morison (Millwall), Craig Bellamy (Man City). Subs: Price, Matthews, Morgan, King, Tudur Jones, Earnshaw, Vokes, Dorman, Easter, Eardley, Myhill.

In other news the finishing touches have been put to the Football Weekly Live quiz for tomorrow. For those not attending I'll try and get some of the questions on the Football Weekly blog whenever the weekend episode goes live. And while I'm plugging quizzes, I may well be recycling a few Football Weekly questions at the Rose and Crown (fine ales, less fine wines, etc, etc) quiz in Stoke Newington on Tuesday. The more the merrier. Still need to think of a non-sport-related topic for the specialist round however - all suggestions gratefully received.

More non-Nations Cup news: "Fun and games at Bramall Lane eh, Ashdao?" writes Wednesdayite Andy Wood. "I imagine you're over the moon about getting one of our cast-offs aren't you?" Don't get me started …

Right, back to matters in hand. Wales have to be big favourites given the relative strength of those line-ups. And there really is almost nobody in the ground. It just looks completely ridiculous.

Peep! OK, here we go. The referee's whistle echoes around the wilderness that is the Aviva Stadium.

1 min: Interesting that Neil Taylor and David Cotterill are in the Wales side tonight. Swansea play in the Championship play-off final on Monday. Cotterill out of favour and Taylor suspended for that game. Possession stuff from the men in red early doors.

3 min: It's like a summer friendly tournament – like the Emirates cup, or the Umbro Shield or some such. Can't have been what the organisers first had in mind.

4 min: Gunter heads Carson's cross away as Northern Ireland finally get their collective foot on the ball.

5 min: Cathcart finds "The Genie" Warren Feeney with a throw in as Northern Ireland look to build down the left. I saw his debut for Luton years ago, and when he sprang from the bench the Tannoy announcer described him as "The Genie" Warren Feeney. It's not a nickname I've ever heard anyone use for him before or since. But it's stuck in my brain for some reason.

7 min: Lovely raking ball from Vaughan finds Bellamy, but his low cross is cleared.

9 min: Steve Morison apparently handed in a transfer request (rejected) at Millwall today, while the smart money is on David Vaughan leaving Blackpool for pastures new. Gabbidon and Bellamy both have uncertain futures at their clubs, as does Cotterill. Shop window time perhaps. Morison gets the first shot of the game away, but it's a tame effort straight at Jonathan Tuffey

11 min: Bellamy's crossfield pass evades David George Best Cotterill. Not quite up there with Anthony Philip David Terry Frank Donald Stanley Gerry Gordon Stephen James Oatway, but a name to live up to nevertheless. Wales are playing this like a training game.

12 min: "Do the number of stewards, players and police outnumber the attendance?" wonders aahjay on Twitter. Not far off. Not far off at all.

14 min: Clever stepover from Bellamy puts Taylor away down the left, but his cross is hammered away. At the other end, Gabbidon's slackness allows McGinn a sight of goal. Blocked. Corner …

15 min: … punched away by Hennessy. A few seconds later Norwood works a little space, but the Wolves keeper drops comfortably on his shot.

17 min: Possession stats from the first 17 minutes – Wales 70%, Northern Ireland 30%. Something worryingly familiar about the Wales are playing, though. Gary Speed's Sheffield United side tried to play passing stuff, but utterly lacked cutting edge. Still, Bellamy forces a corner …

18 min: … what a miss! Oh, not quite. Morison heads back across goal and just as Ramsey looks set to volley in from a yard or so out, McAuley gets a a slight touch to force the Arsenal midfielder to shank wide. Top defending from the West Brom man.

20 min: Collison shanks a 50-yard pass to his full-back out of play. Ho, and indeed, hum.

21 min: Taylor goes on a pleasingly rampaging run down the left, but his cutback towards Collison is cut out. The young Swansea full-back has had a fine game thus far.

22 min: Morison forces a corner …

23 min: … worked cleverly by Taylor and Bellamy, flicked on by Collins, but it just evades Morison at the far post.

25 min: Is anybody there? This is like MBMing in a vacuum. If no one's reading I can start making stuff up. The Genie, for instance, has just told Niall McGinn he has three wishes. His first wish is for Wales to knock it about aimlessly as though the match was decided on possession percentage. AND IT COMES TRUE!!!

26 min: Vaughan, Bellamy, Taylor and Collison combine really rather nicely to win a free-kick inside the D on the edge of the box …

27 min: … Bellamy …

28 min: … clips it narrowly over the bar. Niall McGinn's second wish comes true.

30 min: "Welsh fans, who are enjoying their impressive Euro 2012 qualification, will probably be comforted by the fact that if they do no win tonight, they will certainly be in pot six for the World Cup qualifying draw in July," writes Keld Ravn Cramer. "A win doesn't mean they avoid it, but at least the chance would still be there. Pot six would mean a spot alongside other great football powers like Andorra, San Marino and Liechtenstein." Is that right? Does this match genuinely count towards the Fifa coefficient? If so, some fingers need to be pulled out.

32 min: "What's Niall McGinn's third wish?" wonders Ceri Jones. It seems to be for Aaron Ramsey to skitter past a couple of defenders and then lose the ball. In retrospect, I'm sure he'll feel that he's wasted them.

34 min: "Well we know what you were doing this afternoon, don't we?" writes Robin Hazlehurst. "That's you on the left in the black jacket trying to hide behind the placard, isn't it? Or maybe the big lad in the green bomber jacket holding the main sign, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt there." I'm going to have to change that profile picture.

MBM goal

GOAL!!! Northern Ireland 0-1 Wales (Ramsey 36) Lovely finish from the Wales captain. Northern Ireland can't clear a corner and Tuffey's poor punch drops to the feet of the Arsenal midfielder, who lashes the ball into the roof of the net from 12 yards.

37 min: Mild cheers greeted what was actually a very decent strike. As our man at the Aviva, Ewan Murray, says on Twitter: "Boosh."

38 min: Bellamy looks to be feeling his hamstring. Confirmation that this does indeed make a difference for Wales. Important goal then.

40 min: Hennessy and Collins get themselves in a right old tangle as Northern Ireland punt a long ball over the top. Despite the mess they've made, the fact that the keeper made more contact with the chasing McGinn than he did with the ball means there's no danger.

41 min: Bellamy pings a shot at goal from wide on the left, but it's straight into Tuffey's tummy.

42 min: Cotterill attempts another shot from a similar angle and this time Tuffey has to punch away. Wales pressing for a second. Northern Ireland just want half-time. (Well, they probably just want full-time and to put this sorry shambles of a tournament behind them but let's not get too far ahead of ourselves).

45 min: "My sister just had a baby girl 20 mins ago - happy days. The game appears so much better now," writes aahjay on Twitter. Congratulations to all involved. Unfortunately the timing means the little lass will have to be called [scrolls back 20 minutes ago…] "The Genie". I suppose 'The Jenny' might work at a push. And you can drop the 'The'.

Peep! Peep! Half-time tip-toes into view. The Tannoy announcer booms out the score. There's so few people there that he could just go and tell them (if they needed reminding. Which, let's be honest, they probably shouldn't).

Half-time email dept.

Here's John Willoughby: "ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

Half-time notices. I still need some suggestions for my specialist round at the quiz on Tuesday (Rose and Crown, Stoke Newington, etc, etc). And a some zinging, brain-tingling questions wouldn't go amiss either. Last time I mentioned this on an MBM I got an excellent 'What's Madonna's favourite beer?' question out of it. Come on - you're reading this on a Friday night, so you must have a few interesting factoids in the dark recesses of your mind.

Peep! Half No2 gets going. Slightly surprisingly there's been no changes for either side.

46 min: "The late, lamented comedy club 'The Comedian's Graveyard' had an audience participation section where they'd list five dead celebrities and five internal organs, the challenge being to match the celebrity with the organ that failed them. Give that a go," suggests Nick Pettigrew. "PS: Can I plug my book? If everyone reading this MBM buys a copy it may cover the cost of broadband in sending this email." Pass, pass, pass from Wales …

48 min: "A quiz question that fits your locale and even fits tonight's match," writes Robin Hazlehurst. "'It is well known that Stoke play in the English Premier League, but where do Newington play?' Answer: Norn Iron. Apparently." A long lumped ball out of play from Nigel Worthington's side.

49 min: It's a lick of paint from being 2-0 here. Collison cuts back and Bellamy sweetly hammers the ball millimetres wide of the post. Great effort.

51 min: Cotterill overhits a regulation pass between centre-half and full-back with Gunter bursting through from full-back.

53 min: Vaughan skips into the area but Gorman successfully shepherds the ball out for a goal-kick.

55 min: It's so quiet you can just about hear Gary Speed in the Wales technical area. "Don't do that - it's not the Colosseum," he shouts (possibly). "Stay high!"

56 min: Dangerous free-kick to Wales, 30 yards from goal … crunched miles wide by Bellamy.

58 min: Maggie Horn hasn't quite got the hang of this quiz question malarkey. "How do you wake Lady Gaga in the morning?" is her question. I have a feeling it's very similar to the way you get Pikachu on a bus …

61 min: THE MOST EXCITING THING TO HAPPEN IN THE SECOND HALF!!! SUBSTITUTIONS!!! On come Earnshaw and Owain Tudor-Jones for Bellamy and Collison. For Northern Ireland it's Stuart Dallas for Craig Cathcart.

63 min: "You poke her face," writes Maggie. And with Pikachu, you Pokemon. Ah good stuff. Perhaps I could just get you all to email in jokes for the final half hour. Coates makes an important clearance as Wales force a few corners …

65 min: … the latest set piece is swung in too deep, sent back in by Morison and jabbed wide by Vaughan. My stock gag is a Sean Connery one, but you need to have the accent. Suffice to say, it involves tennis and a 10'o'clock meeting.

67 min: Tudor-Jones goes into the book for a pretty nasty two-footed hop of a tackle. Free-kick to Northern Ireland, 30 yards out …

68 min: … Norwood curls it gently into the waiting arms of Hennessy. "At least he hit the target," says Sky's Gerry Armstrong, who's been clutching at straws for a while now.

MBM goal

GOAL!!! Northern Ireland 0-2 Wales (Earnshaw 69) Cotterill weaves into the area and finds Earnshaw. Coates criminally allows him to turn and the Nottingham Forest striker lashes the thing beyond Tuffey. I'd say game over, but that would give you the impression that this has been a game of some sort.

71 min: "When does a policeman smell worst?" asks Maggie Horn, who's here all week and suggests you tip your waitress, etc and so forth. "When he's on doodie!"

73 min: Adam Matthews replaces Gunter, Liam Boyce replaces The Genie Warren Feeney. To add to the unsettling otherworldy feel of this, the TV clock has disappeared for some reason, so I'm guessing at times from now on.

74 min (ish): Matthews sends in a superb cross that McAuley does wonderfully to clear. Lewis Price replaces Wayne Hennessy in the Wales goal.

75 min (ish): "Much like anyone watching this game, my maths book is very depressed," writes misleadingly named Super Russ on Twitter. "It's full of problems..." Garrett off, Winchester on.

76 min (ish): "Too late with this flurry of goals - I'm in the beer to celebrate niece genie," writes Twitter's aahjay. "There is a chance she will not be called that." BAH! Gary Speed shouts a VERY BAD WORD on the touchline.

78 min (ish): Dallas makes a fine run through midfield, but eventually runs out of steam. "Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?" writes Maggie Horn, who is single-handedly making this second half unbearable. "Cause he could not stand the dwizzle." Vokes on, Morison off.

80 min (ish): McGinn off, Jordan Owens on. "He's a big strong lad," says Armstrong. A Unit is how I'd describe him.

81 min (exactly): The screen clock is back!

82 min: "Owen! Owen! Owen! Owen!" roars someone on the Wales bench. "Wide! Wide pie!" shouts someone else. Not sure these are exact.

83 min: Owens forces Gabbidon to concede a corner with a nice touch over his head. Hodson wastes the throw in, but nearly finds Boyce with a cross as the ball breaks back to him.

85 min: Ramsey, on halfway, pings an intended pass into the arms of Tuffey.

88 min: I have a feeling the next update might be the final whistle.

Peep! Peep! Peep After three minutes of added time – greeted by a few muted boos (although they'd be muted if everyone in the crowd was putting their all into it) – it's all over. Thank goodness. "I was up in the loft today and found my grandad's old wig weaving machine," writes Super Russ on Twitter. "It's a family hair loom."

That's it then. A dull, depressing, pointless shambles of a match brings a dull, depressing, pointless shambles of a tournament to an end for these two sides. It's a tournament that is proving an embarrassment to all involved, but not a major embarrassment because nobody really cares about it. Oh well. Thanks, as ever, for your emails, tweets, quiz questions and jokes. G'night.

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