

This photo makes me so excited for a new baby (also makes me want to learn how to braid my hair)This photo makes me so excited for a new baby (also makes me want to learn how to braid my hair)Someone recently wrote the following comment on my friend's we're-home-from-the-hospital Facebook post: "Enjoy every second of motherhood!" Clearly the person who typed that was just spewing out a cliché, but I knew this particular new mom was having a tough time adjusting (healing from an unexpected C-section, sleep deprivation, latching issues, etc.), so I wrote her a message. "Um, you do NOT have to enjoy every second," I typed. "Some seconds (or even minutes or hours) can really suck. But it does get better!" I wanted to take off some of the "you have to be happy all the time now that you're a mom" pressure. She wrote back with an appreciative "ha!" and shared a moment she definitely had not enjoyed (I'll spare you, but it involved a wardrobe change for both mom and baby).

Anyway, our exchange got me thinking about other things well-meaning people say to us when we've just given birth. Those seemingly harmless comments and questions that can chip away at our fragile new-mom psyches. Because whether it's your first or your third, the initial few weeks with a newborn can be … emotionally messy. Even if you feel perfectly fine, you're still vulnerable, hormonal, sleep deprived, caring for a tiny human, trying to feed said human from your boobs, and healing from giving birth, which, last time I checked, is kinda painful no matter how you do it. I always felt emotionally great after giving birth, but I still had my breakdowns. My favorite was when Nora was 3 days old, and I decided that I hated her name and wanted to change it. I cried for an hour straight and then polled anyone who would listen on whether it would be OK to switch her to Charlotte or Natalie.

Don't get me wrong, having a baby rocks. And I don't think we need to assume the eggshell-walking position around all new moms. But it's a big transition, everyone handles it differently, and I think it's always a good idea to be mindful of others' feelings.

With that in mind, I asked a bunch of mom friends what they hated hearing in the early days. They are all terrific mothers who adore their children, but I asked them to focus on just the negative stuff and to be brutally honest. So they were. And I definitely learned a lot. Here, what not to say:

"Oh, he's soooo teeny!"




"Oh, you're not breastfeeding?!"


"Is she sleeping through the night?"


"Do you have to go back to work?"




"Are you gonna have more?"


"If you're breastfeeding correctly, it does not hurt."


"How are you holding up?"






"The baby looks nothing like you!"


"Isn't it better than you could have ever imagined?"


"Are you going to try for a girl?"


"When are you due?"


 As you can see, these quotes run the gamut. And I know that things that bother one mom would have no effect on another (I think it's interesting that one of my friends hated it when people assumed everything was wonderful and another hated it when people assumed everything was awful). The only comments that truly bothered me (apart from the quote I shared above) were from my mom when she would constantly question if my baby was cold or hungry or tired. Bottom line: We're all different, and these were my friends' personal experiences, but I think it's so helpful to hear. And I'd love to hear more! I also want to reiterate that I asked these moms to focus only on the negative stuff and only on the first few weeks, which is why it's skewing a little Debbie Downer. There is also obviously an abundance of amazing new-mom moments and memories right from the start, but that's not what this particular post is about. Have anything to contribute? Did any questions/comments/declarations bother you when you were newly home with a baby? Please share.