Do you know how many times I didn't get laid in college because girls don't like getting hissed at by a jealous possum?

Bang zoom! I'm getting a muffin!



Phil: Oh, my God.
Ted: Yes, you said that a lot last night.


Ted: I was just being friendly.


Lem: We don't create evil things.

Ted: And listen. The Germans are all worried because, ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry

Veronica: I don't take the high road, Ted. The high road leads to Pansy Town.
Ted: Or maybe it leads to a more effective way of handling an adversary... ville.

Linda: Hey, sweetie, want to go smoke a cigarette in the bathroom? See? I can be bad. Don't ever smoke, Rose. Every time you smoke a cigarette, Santa Claus kills an elf. What, helping or hurting? Because I can throw Jesus into the mix.
Ted: I think we're good.

Better Off Ted Quotes



Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie