Give them the flicks

December 28, 2004

The film you watch on a date can make or break a fledgling relationship, writes Garry Maddox.

He asks her to Team America: World Police. She suggests I Heart Huckabees. He tries Saw.

She prefers Garden State. He counters with Bad Santa. She steers him towards the new Bridget Jones. They end up at Without a Paddle and laugh so much that romance blossoms.

Or, take two, they leave quickly and never see each other again.

The right movie can make a date, launching an uncertain relationship to giddy heights. One Sydneysider, let's call her Toni*, says: "I had my first kiss during Ghost." Another, Megan, was secretly delighted when her date agreed to see Woody Allen's Husbands and Wives.

"Emerging as I was from that world where men avoided anything that smelled even remotely like commitment, I almost couldn't believe that this young fellow wasn't put off by the title," she says.

The wrong one, however, can make it a risky night. Josh suggested The Passion of the Christ as a 'half-serious range-finder' after his first choice was rejected. His date accepted. "Munching on Twisties while the Son of God was being flayed for 40 minutes was weird," he says. "But it certainly gave us a lot to talk about afterwards."

Stories about dates made - and destroyed - by movie experiences are so prolific that you realise how much the cinema is a testing ground for relationships.

Dinner can be tricky. Drinks with friends can be awkward. The footy, cricket, the races, a picnic or a band can introduce unwanted pressures on a first or second date. At the cinema, the focus is on the story instead of the small talk. The movie rather than the moves.

That's one of the pleasures of the cinema. While sitting in the intimacy of the dark, we're sharing a social experience with an audience that might be laughing collectively or wiping away tears.

The chief executive of Relationships Australia in NSW, Anne Hollonds, says going for a drink is probably the most common choice for a first date, but because it's a "non-threatening, non-intimidating" environment the cinema is not far behind.

"You actually don't need to talk very much," she says. "Well, you probably shouldn't talk at all in a movie. But if you go out to dinner, it's a lot more intimidating because you're gazing at each other across the table the whole time."

There's also a naturally romantic side to cinema-going. "It's in the dark, you're sitting side by side," Hollonds says. "Will you or won't you hold hands? A little bit of excitement comes into it as well, depending on the content of the film."

The marketing director for distributor 20th Century Fox, John Scott, agrees a movie and coffee are a safe bet: "Dinner on the first date is probably for the brave and uninitiated."

Beyond the entertainment, there are other excellent reasons to head for the cinema.

Movie-going inspires all sorts of conversations.

It can reveal tastes in entertainment, wider interests, attitudes to life and responses to the issues raised on screen.

"Whether we realise it or not, when we're dating we're actually assessing the other person all the time," Hollonds says. "We're using multiple levels of communication to do that - it's not just the words that you're speaking, but you're watching their body language, you're listening for their tone of voice, you're looking at how they relate to other people, whether they're courteous or not and how they deal with family members and friends.

"When you've seen a movie and are chatting about it afterwards, that assessing radar kicks in. You're really trying to get a sense of whether this person sees the world the way I do, whether they have a similar take on life. What that is about is ... does he or she share the same values as me?"

The search for the perfect date movie

The best date movies have something for both parties, but choosing one can be tough.

"Chances are you don't know this person too well, so you have to make a choice that's not going to be offensive or suggest you're coming from the wrong point of view," Scott says.

"A date movie is something that a guy is comfortable taking a woman along to, knowing they are both going to be entertained and his taste won't be compromised."

The general manager of Palace Cinemas in NSW, Nic Whatson, says movies with romance or 'strong human interaction' are generally good choices. "Anything that revolves around the idea of couples forming or anything that suggests that characters you like are going to get it on" - he adds an important condition -"provided they haven't broken up by the end of it."

Ask around for the best date movies over the years and the responses come in three categories.

There are the classic romantic comedies such as Four Weddings and a Funeral (provided he's not put off by all the weddings in the title), Notting Hill, Pretty Woman, High Fidelity, Sleepless in Seattle, The Wedding Singer, My Best Friend's Wedding and When Harry Met Sally.

The structure of the romantic comedy - apparent opposites overcome endless obstacles and realise they must be together - is almost designed to start relationships. The downside for some males is that few romantic comedies have car chases, shoot-outs or explosions.

Then there are the romances underpinned by an unshakeable love (even if some of these movies end tragically) including Titanic, Moulin Rouge, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Romeo + Juliet, Amelie, An Affair to Remember, Witness, Strictly Ballroom and Jerry Maguire.

And there are the feelgood comedies and dramas, such as Ferris Bueller's Day Off, As Good As It Gets, Roxanne, The Princess Bride, Groundhog Day, Pirates of the Caribbean, Catch Me If You Can, The Full Monty and the Shrek movies.

Most of these movies are watched on DVD rather than in cinemas these days and an invitation home is an unlikely first-date option. Newer selections are a leap of faith, a leap that can reveal something about the chooser.

Suggesting a Kurdish refugee drama, for instance, might suggest you are compassionate, thoughtful and politically aware ... or just trying too hard.

Fahrenheit 9/11 would perhaps be more suitable for a date with Katherine Keating than Paris Hilton. It's one thing if you both love The Lord of the Rings; another if you arrive in your Gimli outfit and she's hoping to redirect you to De-Lovely.

Hollonds suggests plumping for shared interests. "Chick flicks are a bit of a bore to guys after a while, but something that's well made with good comedy is a very safe choice," she says. "But, on the other hand, you both might be particularly interested in thrillers, the horror genre or foreign-language movies."

The simple conversation about what movie to see is full of material for assessing a new date.

"First, you're looking at what your common interests or tastes are in movies," Hollonds says. "Then you can hypothesise about what that means about the person.

Then you've got the negotiation itself about who gets to decide which movie.

That's a very interesting test for a new relationship.

"Is this someone who's interested in some give and take? Or will we only ever see things that we're both interested in? How the other person handles the negotiation is very telling."

The forum can matter as much as the film. Dates can get extra lustre - that's lustre - with a visit to a premium class cinema at Hoyts or Greater Union. Many newer cinemas also have reclining seats - Then there's the outdoor cinema: fruit bats, perfume, aftershave and romance in the air. And Sydney still has two drive-ins, at Bass Hill and Blacktown.

Disastrous date movies

For Jenny, the erotic thriller In The Cut proved a bad choice for a second date.

"It raised a lot of issues about what men and women want and get from sex - and fantasise about - which I wasn't keen on talking about with someone I hardly knew in case he got the wrong idea," she says.

The R-rated sex scene left her would-be boyfriend feeling awkward until the aftermovie conversation shifted to safer ground.

Liz found the sexy French movie Betty Blue not much better. Nervous and hungry, she arrived at the cinema early and bought something to eat nearby.

"Unfortunately, he arrived before I'd even taken a bite so we went into the cinema with me carrying a huge hamburger with chips. It smelt really strongly and he seemed embarrassed that I'd arrived with a meal big enough for four people, which I then had to eat."

Her date seemed uncomfortable during the movie, they moved seats, then he left without explanation.

Liz later learnt that he'd been so nervous that he'd smoked a joint, felt awkward about all the sex in the film, then became so paranoid that he had to disappear into the night.

Then there was the patriotic New Zealander Daniel, who took his new Australian love to see Once Were Warriors, which shows a violent Kiwi bashing his wife.

He now jokes - when his wife isn't listening - that he wanted to show who wears the pants across the Tasman.

"I saw the great basketball documentary Hoop Dreams with a guy I thought may be a marriage prospect and was so moved I couldn't speak," Elle says. "He was so bored he fell asleep. It saved me a lot of time. I broke up with him immediately."

Other movies are even less likely to encourage romance. The dangers of a fling are spelt out in Fatal Attraction and the confronting subject matter in Schindler's List, Platoon, Happiness, Romper Stomper, Reservoir Dogs ("I had to leave," Karen says, "but I was glad he wanted to go, too") and American Psycho could have a companion reeling out of the cinema.

Anything that has been controversial for its explicit sexual content, such as Intimacy, Romance or Irreversible, will be impossibly awkward on many a first date - unless the couple knows each other from Office of Film and Literature Classification or the Australian Family Association.

One of the most dangerous date movies in history has to be Lantana, the Australian drama about trust in relationships.

"You'd see evidence of couples coming out - I wouldn't say perturbed - but certainly having a healthy level of debate in the foyers and outside in the street over the content," Whatson says. "Some people thought it should have had a date advisory warning."

It was great for stimulating established couples to talk about their relationships; not so great if you were hoping to start one.

"The Umbrellas of Cherbourg killed a night for me," Jack says. "The film was crap and every minute it went on I could feel this person thinking, 'Why has he brought me to this?' I walked her home and had the door shut in my face."

Lexy says: "We saw Cape Fear. He was a big [Robert] De Niro fan. I hate films like that and burst into tears in the cafe afterwards."

This summer's hot dating prospects

From Boxing Day to the Australia Day weekend is moviegoing's peak season.

Cinemas will be filled with families on holiday, but among all the holiday releases are some great date options.

The Phantom of the Opera will 'skew female' as they say in the cinema business.

The Australian skateboard pic Deck Dogz will mostly attract young males. The John Pilger Retrospective will play left and Blade: Trinity and Raise Your Voice will be teen city. Kinsey could be tricky.

And suggesting SpongeBob SquarePants will mark you down as either twisted, simple or likely to get paranoid then disappear mid movie.

The best bets for a first date are Oceans 12 (a known quantity, since it's a sequel, with a pacy story, heists and lots of eye candy), The Motorcycle Diaries (a motorcycle and a Mexican hunk in an art-house charmer), The Incredibles (this latest Pixar animation is another known quantity, with laughs and heart) and Meet The Fockers (another sequel with laughs and romance).

True love, however, can survive even the wrong movie.

Mick took a date to see The Remains of the Day, which he remembers as a 'morose' drama about failing to grab love until it's too late. They followed it with another Sydney dating cliche - Thai food. A disaster in the making.

A decade later, the couple have two kids to show that good things can follow an unpromising night at the movies.

* A surprising number of people prefer to be anonymous when revealing dating war stories.