

Midlife crisis: this is the script!

(104 Posts)
Abitwobblynow Sat 28-Jul-12 08:47:28

This is from the midlife forum! As my H followed this almost word for word, I thought you might find a chuckle of recognition, too. PS Women can also do this, so because English doesn't have a mutual gender word, substitute OW/OM etc as required.

MIDLIFE for Dummies

Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journeys you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck.

In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!

Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married too young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1 - Monstrification of Your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2 - Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3 - Mass Confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4 - Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3 - The Other Woman (or OW)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

Chapter 4 - Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

Chapter 5 - History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

Chapter 6 - It's All About You!!

Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!

Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!

Chapter 7 - Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone.

If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Chapter 8 - MC and Therapists

Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).

Chapter 9 - I Don't Have To if I Don't Want To and You Can't Make Me!

Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything.

This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!

Chapter 10 - How To Threaten and/or How To Move Out

You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).

If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer

Chapter 11 - Art of Clinging

The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.

Chapter 12 - Advanced Lessons

This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.

"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".

This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.



1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.

2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"

4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OW. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.


1. Make negative comments about OW or the chances that the relationship with OW will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OW.

2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.

3. Do random acts of kindness such as garden work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.

4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.

CUSTODY - Using the Kids To Your Advantage

If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.

Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent.

You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.

Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.


You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.


By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouse's fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I'm trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I can't live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.

These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults.

Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.


Let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."

Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."

How to keep you spouse mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....


1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that:

a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and

b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a - YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!

Copyright The Midlife Club

DoingItForMyself Sat 28-Jul-12 09:48:47

I knew it! I knew there was a book or a club somewhere that taught them all the script, they all seem to follow it WORD FOR WORD!

Perhaps we should set up a little corner here on MN so we can keep an eye on them? Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!

loganberry12 Sat 28-Jul-12 09:50:28

My had i think my ex h must use this as his bible sounds like he's followed the script to the t !!

Happylander Sat 28-Jul-12 09:57:56

and mine LOL. x

struwelpeter Sat 28-Jul-12 10:54:34

Ooh, you devil you for rumbling them grin. It's the honest to twunt truth.

Can we have a post-midlife karma bites you on the bum thread too? Sort of 50+ and in a bedsit, fast car been repossessed, hair gone, kids not interested and OW has legged it for the next one or realised that the prize was a turkey?

LovesPeace Sat 28-Jul-12 10:59:38

God, I laughed reading that. It's spot on to my ex. grin

Except he couldn't find another woman willing to have his sorry arse, so he paid prostitutes instead (even the swingers on the websites didn't want him).

I didn't play to the script though - after very brief initial confusion, I told him to fuck off, or I'd publish all the 'evidence' I had collected and stored about his behaviours.

Now he tells me his new flat is 'empty and echo-y'. Like I give a shit. wink

The strangest thing, though, is that I was having a really hard time with life when I was with him, and thought he was supporting me. Since I left him, I have suddenly, and inexplicably regained the ability to be happy. smile
And yet I never realised HE was the thing that was making me miserable and depressed.
So, ladies, leave - happiness awaits you. grin

Sunnywithachanceofshowers Sat 28-Jul-12 11:16:45

That's funny, and evil.

The first bit is what my DF did to my first Dstepmother. It's all about him...

skyebluesapphire Sat 28-Jul-12 11:19:42

My STBXHcould have written the above, he followed every bloody step!

I need to copy this and send to him once the divorce is finalised (the divorce I filed for if course, after HE left me because he doesnt love me any more, I never tidied the house, he has never felt appreciated , blah blah blah.... )

Sounds familiar doesn't it..,

MadAboutHotChoc Sat 28-Jul-12 11:28:34

So true! grin

MusicForTheMasses Sat 28-Jul-12 11:45:49

OMG! Too close to the truth!

porridgelover Sat 28-Jul-12 12:31:15

I am quietly smiling at this...nodded my head at so many parts of it.

I wish my situation were uniquely awful- its so depressing that its not.

chocoraisin Sat 28-Jul-12 12:52:00

check, check, check...

who knew a MLC could kick in at 28??


LOL!! Yep...been witness to it all unfortunately wink

Restart Sat 28-Jul-12 13:04:14

it is scarey, and the fact that each one of them believes they are the first to utter the words.. this is along a similar line - i found it a few years ago just after my ex droppled the 'we've never been happy' depth charge. The original source seems to have gone, but i copied it to my blog - the original source seems to have been deleted, but I copied it on to my blog

Abitwobblynow Sat 28-Jul-12 13:04:25

'who knew a MLC could kick in at 28??'

Now I have found out about narcissism, I slightly disagree with the forum about MLC. Whilst I do agree that there is a midlife crisis, I do believe selfishness and immaturity have a great part to play in the crisis of self.

bertiebassett Sat 28-Jul-12 13:39:16

This is very true!

Script followed to a T by my MLCer...although he has now been able to add an extra level...

I told him two weeks ago it was over because I'd had enough....

I had lost so much weight and became so run down and stressed that I then contracted pneumonia...

Of course he is now "looking after" me and DS...and being utterly self sacrificing and noble...thereby proving to everyone how wrong I am about him...and how its me that's breaking up the family...

Restart Sat 28-Jul-12 14:22:57

Choc my ex was NPD, however he moved right across the spectrum when he went into what seems to fit the MLC mould. He went from being a selfish , passive aggressive bore (Ive just said this on another thread) to a Mr Hyde type character. He just transformed. It was deeply disturbing for me because I was terrified of abandonment, and suddenly my partner of 16 years just became a complete stranger and not only that a stranger that hated me! 3.5 years later, I can actually have a conversation with him and I think yes this is starting to sound like the person I used to know, I don't feel the fear that I did. Of course our realtionship is gone, our family home is gone, he's married to someone else and our kids have to travel to his place 1.5 hours away every fortnight to see him and he's now expecting another baby with his new wife, but at least I feel as though he is back within in the 'safe' range of NPD.

Spellcheck Sat 28-Jul-12 14:29:45

Even though it was four years ago, and I am with amazing DP, I couldn't help a little tear as I relived the last two years of my marriage reading this.

I've come so far - thank you for reminding me how lucky I am to be away from that pig I wasted my best years on!

NB: He's having an affair behind his girlfriend's back...she was my friend and the OW. They never change! I expect this script to be dusted off and wheeled out in their house soon...

DoingItForMyself Sat 28-Jul-12 14:32:06

Well he's spent all that time perfecting the script - shame to waste it by not re-using it eh!? Leopards and spots anyone?

bertiebassett Sat 28-Jul-12 14:46:23

I agree that MLC and NP are intertwined (with emotional abuse as the glue maybe?) wink

The thing is you can spend a long time trying to fit a label to someone's behaviour...I think we have a human (female?) desire to find an explanation or a cause for why people act the way they do...

...but at the end of the day it doesn't really matter what it's called...what's important is recognising the harm that being caused....deciding to take appropriate action...and trying not to wobble...

Abitwobblynow Sat 28-Jul-12 16:07:29

Restart did new wife OW cause the Mr Hyde?

chocoraisin Sat 28-Jul-12 16:23:39

I am glad to not be the focus of ex-twunt's attention for the most part now. With every new low, I am reminded to be glad that he is NOT my problem any more...

panicnotanymore Sat 28-Jul-12 17:59:52

You forget the bit where they come back.... or try to come back....

caramelwaffle Sat 28-Jul-12 18:24:01

Yes panic, indeed.

That is absolutely spot on, abit.

They all so boringly follow that script, yet think they are so Speshulllll and Uniiiiique. Male, or female.

Getting older hits these kind of people really hard. Diddums.

Dprince Sat 28-Jul-12 18:55:32

what makes me always laugh is when you occasionally get someone posting here saying 'mners think there is some kind of script, there isn't etc'.
Clearly there is. I think these people think their situation is so unique and special. They don't want to admit they are just a run of the mill twat.

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