Third Test, day five

Over-by-over: morning session

England 370 & 313; West Indies 229 & 379-7

Preamble Hello boys. If West Indies win this here third npower Test from Old Trafford, where will it rank? Given that, on Saturday afternoon, England were effectively 406 for three, it would be tempting to place it right alongside Headingley 81, Barbados 99 and Kolkata 01 - perhaps even higher, given that, unlike in those games, West Indies do not have genius defining its career. There is no Botham, no Lara, no Laxman. Instead their hopes rest on the admirable Shivnarine 'Shiv' Chanderpaul, a gentlemen among eejits, a Portishead among Morcheebas, a crewcut among nu-mullets. He is 81 not out and, surely, has to be there at the end if West Indies are to pull off this most improbable victory.

They resume on 301 for five, chasing 455, with Chanderpaul partnered by the resilient Dinesh Ramdin (26 not out). After that, there is not much: Darren Sammy (first-class average: 24.72) can bat a bit, but the rest - Corey Collymore (Test average 7.45), Jerome Taylor (10.20) and Fidel Edwards (4.36) - aren't so hot. You have to fancy England but, if Chanderpaul and Ramdin survive the first few overs this morning, it could get pretty hairy. If I was a betting man, I'd spend every last penny on alcohol. But I reckon West Indies have about a 20 per cent chance. Perversely, given what a shower the 21st-century Windies have been, they have precedent on their side: the current record for a fourth-innings chase is their 418 for seven against Australia at Antigua in 2003. There are four survivors from that game - Gayle, Ganga, Smith and, of course, Chanderpaul. He was there on the final morning then, too, having made a brilliant century, and though he went early Omari Banks and Vasbert Drakes hustled them to victory.

WARNING If anyone - even you, Naylor - plotspoils last night's Sopranos denouement, I will hunt them down and do unto them what AJ did unt- gah!*

*Yes, before you whinge, that was a joke. Like the one about Meadow and Paulie creating a two-backed beast on Friday that someone took seriously. I have no idea what happened last night.

Prediction England to win by 87 runs. Fact.

98th over: West Indies 305-5 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 81, Ramdin 30) Good start for the West Indies: Panesar begins with a short, wide delivery and Ramdin cuts it firmly for four. It was in the air but safe. Panesar has a slip, short leg and silly point and there is certainly plenty in the pitch for him, but Ramdin survives the rest of the over comfortably enough. "My girlfriend has entrusted me with replying to a wedding invite on which you have to put your three favourite songs (which will go on the post-ceremony disco playlist, presumably)," says Dominic Smith. "I'm quite up for a bit of sabotage: can anyone improve on "I used to love her but it's all over now", "Fat-bottomed girls" and " F@ck forever" in the inappropriateness stakes?" Eminem's Fack would probably capture the mood.

99th over: West Indies 310-5 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 82, Ramdin 34) Harmison begins by slipping one down the leg side to Chanderpaul, who then fends one off for a single. England seem very happy to bowl to Ramdin early on, and they have two gullies, but it's a dangerous tactic to focus your attention on one batsman this early in the day. Chanderpaul is a splendid player but he's not exactly Hanif Mohammad. Ramdin, meanwhile, slaps Harmison up and over the cordon for four. This has been a really splendid start for the West Indies. "You sound pretty bright for a Monday," misjudges Brian Wellings. "Are you suffering from a Happy Hangover? According to the Guardian it's 'the hangover equivalent of feeling knackered because you've got a brand new lover and you can't stop having sex with them for long enough to go to sleep'. That being so I can confirm that I've never had a happy hangover, mine tend to be the Black Hole variety." I've never had a hangover, Happy or otherwise.

WICKET! Ramdin c Collingwood b Panesar 34 (West Indies 311-6) You just can't play those. Panesar, from around the wicket to Ramdin, gets one to spit and turn and bounce and reel off the 9x table in 0.44 seconds, and Ramdin can only snick it into the hands of Collingwood at slip. That really was a jaffa.

100th over: West Indies 311-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 82, Sammy 0) This is a bit of a bunsen, it would seem, and Sammy is beaten by an absolute snorter second ball that roars past his forward defensive. Then he plays outside the line of a straight ball and survives a biggish LBW shout, probably on account of the length of his stride. Hawkeye had it hitting the top of middle, mind. Re: dodgy wedding songs, there was always going to some clown who suggested a certain 1997 Prodigy hit. Matt Fairweather, hang your head in shame. The hot topics of the day, dissected on the GU Sports Desk "Is there a legitimate medical reason for wearing a monocle?" says Paul Doyle. "Because I want to wear one."

101st over: West Indies 316-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 83, Sammy 4) Harmison's first delivery to Sammy is a nasty steepler, but he gets over it really well. The next is too short, and a little wider, and Sammy larrups it over backward point for four. This is the key partnership now, because there are only tailenders after this. "I suggest a Smiths triumvirate for Dominic Smith," says Chipper Steve Johnson. "I Don't Owe You Anything; Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others, I Started Something I Couldn't Finish. That should get things off to a decent enough start."

102nd over: West Indies 317-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 84, Sammy 4) At the moment Chanderpaul seems happy to take a single off the first ball of the over, which might be seen as an abdication of responsibility. He does it for the third over in a row there, and leaves Sammy to survive the remainder of another testing Panesar over. It included one big, big shout for LBW as he played around his pad at a straight one, but there was an inside edge. Panesar is a real threat, though, and could end up with an eight-for here. "I know someone who requested Girlfriend In A Coma by The Smiths for the first dance at his own wedding," says Thomas Hopkins. "That didn't go down too well." Has Mrs Hopkins forgiven you yet?

103rd over: West Indies 318-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 84, Sammy 4) And again Chanderpaul takes a first-ball single. They all count, I suppose, but I'm not sure it's the right tactic. They can't tire Panesar out - he'll bowl all day - but after Harmison comes either the anodyne Sidebottom or the asinine Plunkett, so maybe he should be trying to take more of the strike. Anyway, Harmison then grips a fullish legcutter past Sammy's attempted drive; that was a beauty. Then he beats him a wider yorker. Good over. "What about D.I.V.O.R.C.E. by Tammy Wynette or possibly anything by Rage Against The Machine?" says Jack McD.

104th over: West Indies 318-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 84, Sammy 4) Maybe that's why Chanderpaul is loath to play Panesar: the ball is doing all sorts out of the rough to the left-hander, but diligent use of bat and/or pad is enough for him to play out a maiden. "Dear Sir," says Stephen Holden. "There is a perfectly valid medical reason for wearing monocles. It's called "affectation". I wear one myself most of the time, as I find it helps in the retailing of anecdotes and the drinking of gin. Toodle-pip. Torquil Arbuthnot, Literary Editor, 'The Chap' magazine."

105th over: West Indies 324-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 84, Sammy 9) Another sharply lifting delivery beats Sammy, although it was a no-ball. He's playing Harmison pretty well, however, and when he gets one a bit wider he flashes it up and over the slips for four. Holding and Hussain make the entirely valid point that England should have a better fielder than Monty at third man because, on this pitch, that is an attacking field position. Sammy then offers a technical chance to Harmison with a straight-drive that flies off Harmison's feet. There was no way he could get down to that. "Sadly (for me if not the female population as a whole) there is no Mrs Hopkins," says Tom Hopkins, "although when there is I'll let you know what her views are on the Flaming Lips' She Don't Use Jelly as first-dance material." I think I've just smiled, and almost laughed, for the first time in OBO history. For the first time in my life, in fact.

106th over: West Indies 331-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 86, Sammy 14) Classy stuff from Sammy, who is courageous enough and talented enough to drive Panesar back over his head for four. Panesar's response is a brute next ball that bounces, takes the edge and is dropped by the diving Strauss at gully. It was a really, really hard chance, low and diving to his left. Sammy does the sensible thing and gets off strike. And then Monty bowls a bouncer! It pitched in the rough to Chanderpaul and flew miles over his head and past Prior for two byes; Aleem Dar had no option but to tell him that was one for the over. "'Meeting Paris Hilton' by CSS would not only be topical wedding music," begins Richard O'Hagan, "but the line "The bitch said yeah" being repeated throughout it would surely be an appropriate way to express your joy for the happy couple?"

107th over: West Indies 333-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 87, Sammy 14) Harmison switches around the wicket to Darren Sammy, which isn't a bad idea, but Sammy is able to get his arms out of the way as the ball trampolines across him. Harmison needs to be just a fraction straighter, but he is at least bowling with good rhythm and snap. "The DJ at a friend's wedding decided that the most appropriate song to play directly following the first dance was "Every Day I Love You Less and Less", which I found just awful," says James Wilby. "I mean, I can't stand the Kaiser Chiefs."

108th over: West Indies 335-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 88, Sammy 15) Chanderpaul pushes Panesar in the air but wide of Bell at silly mid-off and, for the 144th time today, Prior screams "CAAAAAAAAAAAAAATCH!" I know he wants to be our answer to Gilchrist but he doesn't need to find an equally annoying variation on "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" surely. He's doing it every effing ball now, although you can understand way because Panesar is causing all sorts of problems, especially for Sammy. One ball kicks and almost hits him in the face as he pushes forward; the next takes pad, and possibly glove, before dropping just short of the diving Bell. It's a splendid contest. "Surgical evacuation following traumatic hyphaema can cause reduced clarity on one side, hence justifying a monocle," says Adrian Gentry. "All you need to do is create some bleeding into the eyeball as clotting is reduced in the aqueous humour creating staining. So the best way to help Paul Doyle toward his goal is to punch him really hard around and about the eyes." Can I use that defence in court?

109th over: West Indies 337-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 89, Sammy 16) England go up for a caught behind when Harmison, over the wicket again now, scoots one past Sammy's outside edge, but Billy Bowden rightly says not out. Another good over, but I don't know how long Harmison can go on for. England could really do with breaking this partnership before they have to turn to Sidebottom or Plunkett. "My wife and I," begins Jason Douglas, "were persuaded not to use our favourite song by Catatonia when we got married: 'Dead from the waist down'."

110th over: West Indies 342-6 (chasing 455 to humiliate England; Chanderpaul 90, Sammy 20) Chanderpaul dances down the track to smother the spin, pushing Panesar through the covers for a single to move into the 90s. Then Panesar bowls a rare bad delivery, a rank long hop that Sammy cuts for four - but I think he's pulled his hamstring in doing so. He's getting treatment and that would be a real blow because, as Botham says, if you have to play Panesar from the crease on this pitch you're in all sorts of bother. Actually I think it's just cramp, so ignore all of the above. I don't just mean in this over: ignore all of the above. In fact ignore everything I've ever written. "Steve Waugh was brilliant at batting with the tail and he always used to take these first-ball singles," says Darren Kelly. "Showed his faith in his partner and inspired them. Or something." He was, but surely you have to modify your approach in really tight contests. Like Melbourne 1998.

111th over: West Indies 342-6 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 90, Sammy 20) Sidebottom has replaced Harmison, and immediately he coaxes a lovely outswinger past the outside edge of a groping Chanderpaul. It's swinging for sure, which is a very good sign for Sidebottom. A maiden, and Chanderpaul has scored only nine runs this morning, although I doubt he'll care about that. In other news, these wedding songs are getting more and more pathetic and unprintable.

112th over: West Indies 342-6 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 90, Sammy 20) Sammy drives Panesar inside-out and just short of Harmison at mid-off. I don't know why Harmison didn't dive forward for that; it looks like he didn't pick it up. Then Panesar has a preposterously optimistic LBW shout from a ball that pitched outside off and turned much wider. Aleem Dar turns his moist nose up at it. A maiden.

113th over: West Indies 344-6 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 91, Sammy 21) Michael Vaughan is off the field, presumably for a media-training course, so Strauss is in temporary charge. Sidebottom curves an inswinger back into Sammy and goes up for a huge LBW shout, but it looks like the ball hit bat and pad at pretty much the same time. Another good decision from Billy Bowden, but England are turning the screw a bit. On a scale of 1-to-DINGDINGSQUEAKYBUMTIME, we're at least doing some gentle DINGing. "Whilst not strictly the first dance, I played in a band at a mate's wedding in which the groom was the other guitarist," says Max Andrews. "He insisted he wanted to do Elvis classic Hound Dog and I genuinely believe that beforehand he hadn't realised how the lyric 'She ain't nothing but a hound dog' would be perceived on the night. Needless to say a few eyebrows were raised..." What happened to the monocles?

WICKET! Sammy ct and b Panesar 25 (West Indies 348-7) Monty takes a bloody caught-and-bowled! Sammy drives straight back at Panesar, who grabs a really sharp, two-handed catch to his right. He couldn't believe he'd held onto it, like the man who wakes up next to the beautiful girl and realises he hadn't dreamt that incident in the Hawley Arms. It's his fifth wicket, too, and surely England have a decisive grip on this game now.

114th over: West Indies 348-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 91, Taylor 0) Chanderpaul has been in first gear today (just 10 runs all morning) but surely he has to go for it now. He has that ability - he flogged a 69-ball century off the Australians once - but it'll be very difficult on this pitch, especially against Panesar. "Surely Steve Waugh taking the single off the first ball of the over doesn't show HE was brilliant at working with the tail, it shows that the Aussie tail was bloody brilliant at working with him?" says Chris Lord. "I'd like to have seen him try that with the English tail, with Gus Fraser at No8."

115th over: West Indies 348-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 91, Taylor 0) Chanderpaul is still not playing ball, and refuses to be tempted by a series of outswinging, corridor deliveries from Sidebottom in that over. A maiden. "I once saw Kieran Richardson, who is as talented as his cousin, in Manchester, sporting a monocle," says Daniel Whipp. "Whilst I cannot think of a medical reason for this, he did look a complete [insert medical terminology here, probably relating to the human anatomy, male or female]."

116th over: West Indies 348-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 91, Taylor 0) Maiden from Panesar to Taylor. In other news, Graham Ford has apparently turned down the offer of coaching India and will stay with Kent. Sachin Tendulkar or Rob Key? My point exactly.

117th over: West Indies 350-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 91, Taylor 0) "The way I remember it was that Steve Waugh was brilliant at getting a single off the 5th ball of the over," says Paul Wilby. "I'm not sure which Steve Waugh Mr Kelly was watching." The same one I was, apparently.

118th over: West Indies 352-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 92, Taylor 1) What an over. First Panesar, from wide on the crease, bowls a quickish delivery to Chanderpaul, who pads up and watches it spin miles and hit the top of his thigh before just missing the top of off stump. The next one spits viciously and flies off the glove past short leg. This is great to watch: a proper spinner making mischief on a last-day pitch. Monty is going to get a hell of a lot of Test wickets on this pitch in the next 10 years. I can't see West Indies surviving for long against him, so surely Chanderpaul has to try and take on the seamers. "So Rob, who should be in the team for Friday's game?" says Andy Bradshaw. "I'd like to see Strauss given one more chance, but Plunkett dropped (preferable from a decent height) and replaced by someone who might be dangerous more than once an over - how about Onions?" I agree about Strauss - no point dropping him for, say, Key as it will just confuse the issue further. The Strauss issue only becomes relevant when a) Trescothick is ready to return or b) he fails for another three or four Tests solid. Plunkett has to go, surely, but I'm not sure who for: the only debutant who interests me is Broad, but I'm not sure India on flat pitches in mid-summer is the place for inexperienced seamers, especially in a four-man attack. I think, for the time being, we might have to forget about having anybody decent with the bat at No8 - having Bell/Prior rather than Flintoff/Jones at No6 and No7 does make up for that a bit - so I'd just pick the best bowler. Jimmy Anderson.

119th over: West Indies 353-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 93, Taylor 1) Chanderpaul continues to bat in his bubble, pushing Sidebottom's first ball for a single to expose Taylor. He is then beaten by a splendid inswinger that vrooms back through the gate. Then Sidebottom gets one to lift and rap Taylor on the gloves. He's a better bowler than I thought, much better, and this has been another excellent spell. And this has been a brilliant pitch, as it always is. Peter Marron is the Pierluigi Collina of groundsmen - so good that he shames the rest. Why can't they all be like this?

120th over: West Indies 358-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 97, Taylor 2) Chanderpaul, on the charge, pushes Panesar through midwicket for a single, the only currency he has dealt in this morning, although knowing my luck he'll cut a short one for three later in the over and render this sentence completely redundant. Then Collingwood drops Taylor! I've seen it all now. Taylor played back to one that bounced sharply, and the edge flew very quickly to Collingwood at slip, who could only parry it away to his left. Then Chanderpaul cuts a short ball for three to move the target into double figures and, finally, Aleem Dar turns down yet another huge LBW shout, against Taylor. It was going down leg side, and replays confirmed it. Aleem Dar is such a good umpire.

121st over: West Indies 365-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 98, Taylor 3) Sidebottom swings one off Taylor's pads and away to fine leg for four leg byes. "For the love of God!" says Alan White, and I'd be similarly manic if I'd spent a decade in Oasis. "On what basis, exactly, can you describe James Anderson as one of the best bowlers in England? Let's go through his average against every team: Australia, 82. South Africa, 42. A hopeless Windies side - 31. And 13 against India, but that's on the basis of one game. Which means the only country against which he has put up a consistent performance is Zimbabwe. Pick one of the youngsters and let's hope they're good enough, rather than someone who's proved they're not time and again over several years." But who is better? Come on then: let's hear it! Let's have it! I don't think it's fair to write Anderson off yet: he has played four Tests - four! - since recovering from his awful 2004-05, and in two of those - India and the last Test in Australia - he bowled very well. I know he is flawed, and Gideon Haigh lampooned him beautifully during the winter, but I can't see a better option.

122nd over: West Indies 366-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 99, Taylor 3) Chanderpaul works Panesar into the leg side to move to 99 and then Taylor, who has defended for the most part with an impressively clear head, repels Panesar for the rest of the over. "Following over 119, is Aleem Dar the Peter Marron of umpires?" says Paddy Murphy. Nope, that's Simon Taufel. But thankfully there are a few high-class umpires. And Rudi Koertzen tries his best, too.

123rd over: West Indies 369-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 101, Taylor 4) Harmison for Sidebottom - wot no Plunkett? - and Chanderpaul gloves his first ball down the leg side to reach a wonderfully brave and resourceful hundred. Whether it will be ranked alongside Graham Yallop on this ground in 1981, failure at its most brave, or whether it will acquire much greater significance we don't yet know, but either way it has been a brilliant innings. To average 45.49 playing in this team, as Chanderpaul does, really is top class. England thought they had him out later in the over, to a gloved catch down the leg side, but Billy Bowden was having none of it. It looks like it came off the thigh pad. "How about Save a Prayer?" says El Rose.

124th over: West Indies 373-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 104, Taylor 5) Chanderpaul is light on his feet against Panesar again, working him through midwicket for a single. Then, when he gets the strike back, he chops a short one through the covers for two. All of a sudden it's starting getting a bit tense, because I think Monty is flagging a touch. England need to hear the half-time whistle. "Not that I'm suggesting that the interminable England wicketkeeper row should start again, but has anyone else noticed how poor Prior has been standing up to Monty in this game?" says Lee Calvert. "In all the excitement of Ramdin's wicket this morning people seem to have missed that a simple edge was parried by Prior into Collingwood's hands, and almost every ball since that the batsman misses off Monty is spannered onto the ground by the gloveman." Yep, fair point, but what's this cricket nonsense of which you speak?

125th over: West Indies 374-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 104, Taylor 5) Oof. Harmison digs in a really nasty lifter and Taylor, taking evasive action, fends it just short of first slip. Then Harmison, sensing Taylor moving across his stumps, spears in a leg-stump yorker that rapped him on the pad and was only just missing. "Well if Hoggard is fit he'll play in Plunkett's place," says Kieron Smith. "If not i think they should stick with Plunkett for the last Test. It is at home so he is used to bowling at the Riverside. No point throwing Andersen in at this point just to play a one off Test. Plunkett can then go back to county cricket to bowl lots of overs and groove his action and gain more experience whilst Harmy, Monty, Curly and Hoggy make up the attack against India." Are we happy with Hoggard and Sidebottom in the same team? I'm not.

126th over: West Indies 379-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 104, Taylor 10) Monty, who has bowled all morning, is definitely struggling now. His first ball is full outside leg stump, and Taylor sweeps it nicely for four. Make no mistake, the tide is turning here. England really need lunch. "Rob, did you get laid last night?" begins James Andrews. "'Aleem Dar is such a good umpire ... 'Peter Marron is the Pierluigi Collina of groundsmen - so good that he shames the rest ... [Sideshow Bob's] a better bowler than I thought, much better, and this has been another excellent spell?' I'm freaking out here..." How d'you think I feel? I haven't been this high since I went nap with a snorting fetish and a crate of Dulux Solid Emulsion. I can't get used to it.

127th over: West Indies 379-7 (chasing 455; Chanderpaul 104, Taylor 10) That's lunch. What a fascinating morning's play it was on a textbook final-day pitch. England looked to be in control when Panesar dismissed Ramdin and Sammy at crucial moments, but Chanderpaul was the definitive immoveable object and Taylor, although he was dropped by Collingwood, battled with real gumption to keep him company for 13 overs. England are still favourites, but they really need Panesar to find his line after lunch, because he tired badly in the last half-hour of the morning session. See you in 30 minutes.

Today's best video

Today in pictures