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December 28, 2014 / 6 Tevet, 5775
At a Glance

Posts Tagged ‘Ontario Canada’

A Mother Remembered: A Year Later (Part I)

Thursday, March 1st, 2012










Are You A Caterpillar Or Butterfly

Friday, December 23rd, 2011

Have you ever seen pictures or a video of a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly – what a miraculous site, truly a confirmation of the Creator constantly at work. The caterpillar itself starts off as an egg and transforms into the larvae or caterpillar. Then the amazing transformation continues as it develops into the most beautiful butterfly. Another testimony to the spectacular wonders all around us..

People also undergo transformations. As a child, we speak, think and act like a child. As a teenager we speak, think and act like a teenager (whatever that means). As an adult, how do we speak, think and act? Is there a natural transformation, a metamorphosis over time for people in how they think, feel and act? This is a very philosophical question; however, it has great ramifications for our day-to-day functioning. Likewise, it serves as a starting point for how we relate to and treat others.

In fact, how we view ourselves has a direct influence on how we act. Our sense of self, our self-judgment, also referred to as our self-esteem, has major effects on our functioning capacity. Fragile self-esteem, which most of us tend to have, causes the many ebbs and tides of feelings and ability to control our emotions and actions. In a book entitled Psychological Trauma and the Adult Survivor: theory, therapy, and transformation by Lisa McCann and Laurie Anne Pearlman, they discuss how trauma victims often view themselves as if their inner sense of themselves and their world is disrupted. As in most therapies, they describe how the transformation of the sense of self is developed through a new reality that is both adaptive and safe. This is but one understanding of the importance of therapy as a means of counsel and personal growth.

So many of our clients hesitate to seek help. For some it seems to be natural to deny the need for help – for as long as possible. As they say, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” That’s basically trying to convince yourself that if “I think its not broken, its not broken.” To seek help one has to first come to terms with and accept that there is a problem. Such acceptance is in itself anxiety producing and painful. As much energy as denial takes, admitting a problem could take more. How many times do those in psychological pain scream out, “Leave me alone”? Sometimes this is truly a sign of their depression, but other times it’s more a sense of being overwhelmed and in pain.

I often ask my clients, “What’s the difference between spending and investing?” What do you think the answer is? To seek help, to recognize the need for therapy and counselling, one must understand the significance in these two concepts.

Think of this question in terms of money. To spend means that we take the money, give it to someone else for the purpose of acquiring something on a temporary basis. Why temporary? Because everything we acquire is temporary. If we buy food, we eat it and it’s gone. If we buy clothing, we wear it until we are tired of it or it wears out and it’s gone. If we buy a large item like a car, or even a home, it depreciates and that part is gone. When we spend, we know that at the end of the day, it’s gone. However, to invest means that we give money for the purpose of, and in the hope, of walking away with more than when we started. That’s the intent.

Therapy is the same idea. If the client comes to spend time with me, they walk away spending their money and have nothing to show for it. When they leave the therapy room, everything is forgotten. They spent their time and now “on with life.” However, the client who will invest time in therapy will leave with more than they came with. This client thinks over what was realized in therapy, uses new insights and skills from the therapy session and comes back to the next session ready to acquire more than before. The client who benefits most from therapy is the one who can invest in the time they spend with the therapist.

Back to the caterpillar and butterfly… The metamorphosis from the egg to the butterfly came up in a therapy session with a 13-year-old boy last week. You ask how that could be! Well, this boy has been coming to see me for about eight months. Emile is an interesting boy. He lives with his single (divorced) dad. He has suffered much emotional distress and loss in his life. However, at 13 he would rather not be in therapy but playing with his friends; or should I say fighting with his “friends.” Emile has many social and learning problems. He has had great difficulty focusing, be it on schoolwork or socializing or listening to his father. However, over the past eight months their relationship has certainly changed. Emile has had an amazing transformation. I say amazing, because one of Emile’s interesting characteristics is his resistance to change. Actually, he is resistant to looking closely at himself, his sadness and the conflicts in his life. It has been an interesting journey as Emile’s resistance to the therapy sessions has certainly reduced while at the same time he still refuses to deal with emotional issues. He can totally shut down when delicate issues, like his mother, come up. In fact, Emile’s father sits in on each session to “help” keep Emile on track. His father is very dedicated to Emile while, at times, he gets very frustrated with his son. The frustrations extend to wanting to prove his love, to getting Emile to listen to him, to getting Emile to accept responsibility for his actions at home, school and in the community.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun – Or Is There?

Wednesday, September 1st, 2010


From Ecclesiastes we learn the expression “there is nothing new under the sun” and when you read history you see how true this is. From cults to politics it seems as if nothing is really ever new. That also includes technology. While a certain invention or discovery can be classified as new, we often find it in nature much earlier. Arctic fish used anti-freeze in their bloodstreams long before people put it in their cars. There are airplanes, but birds flew much earlier; there are satellites, but the moon was there earlier. Whales are better than submarines and as for nuclear fusion; the sun and stars had that worked out long before we did.

This theme of “nothing new under the sun” came up on Tisha B’Av. It’s not a new theme and has shown itself from biblical sources to popular songs. However, in spite of the above, I question if this is really true. I don’t question that many modern innovations are often taken from the ancient, but is it possible that “there is nothing new under the sun?”

In fact, when one analyzes life today, it is relatively easy to say that there is nothing new. Politicians still do whatever they want, wars continue to be fought throughout the globe, people continue to cheat others and have meaningless hatred for one another. Children still test their parents and couples still cheat on one another. Look through the annals of history. People have always behaved that way. Homosexuality isn’t new; it’s in the Bible. Cheating on measurements; it’s in the Bible. Land grabs; it’s in the Bible. Power grabbing from the small people; it’s in the Bible. In fact, I think we could find current events in the Bible. So, perhaps it’s true, “nothing new under the sun.”

I remember learning from one of my professors that in psychology it’s not necessarily the behavior one needs to concentrate on; it’s the extent of the behavior. In other words, we all have tendencies towards all behaviors and pathologies. It’s the extent of those behaviors that crosses the line to pathology. Many doctors believe that we all carry the potential for certain serious illnesses. However, there’s something within our society or even chemical makeup that causes one person to develop the disease and not the next person.

Could this also be true when it comes to how our children develop? Does child development, and even parenting, fall under the same mantra of “nothing new under the sun?” Is what we did in the “olden days” still relevant and can be used as guidelines for today? Should Dr. Spock’s parenting book be required reading for all parents? (A different question for another time is whether parenting courses should be required in all high schools). Is what we knew before as relevant today to what we need to know now when it comes to parent child rearing and child development?

I would like to argue that there are new things all around us. True, we learn that the Bible incorporates everything from the past to the future. However, that doesn’t mean that we have experienced everything that is in store for us. Even if everything we experience today has a basis in history, we cannot rely on past experiences to get us through the world we live in today. There is a Toronto classical music station that has as its motto “Beautiful music for a crazy world.” Does this suggest that it’s culturally acceptable to see the world as different, even crazy? If it is “crazy,” perhaps we should not accept it-maybe we can find ways to change it. Nevertheless one could argue that “craziness” is in the eyes of the beholder.

We should not just accept that nothing is new and merely accept what is. In fact, society makes it very hard to accept everything around us. Regarding our children, just because they are testing us, should we give up and write off their behavior or do we fight back with increasing rigidity and control? It is obvious that every situation needs to be approached on its own merits. Children are certainly being more challenged in their lifestyle than years past. Yes, nothing might be new but it certainly isn’t all the same. For example, drugs have been around “forever,” but the drugs our teens (and sometimes pre-teens) are experimenting with today are without question more potent and laced with more serious chemicals. Sexuality in the media has reached new proportions from even a mere few years ago. The amount and degree of violence accessible to our youth today is at a dangerous level for their own well being, much less their relationship with others in society. Technological advancements have only begun, but even at the level it is accessible to youth today is mind-boggling. Kids today can communicate faster, further and without restrictions with a mere push of a button. Their availability to good and dangerously bad is at their finger tips.

We could spend an entire article on the changes in child-parent relationships over recent years. The concept is certainly not new, but it seems that the problems between parents and children and the level of disrespect and challenges are at an all time high. I have met with families for over thirty-seven years and I continue to be amazed at many of the stories and situations I hear. True, the stories are not new, but the contents and specifics are often of a more challenging nature.

So, if “there is nothing new under the sun,” does that mean that everything is meaningless? Of course not! Every challenge of today is a new challenge. History is to be learned from. What we did, saw and experienced yesterday are lessons for the present and the future. Every situation should be seen as a learning experience. No matter how challenging and difficult the situation is we can look to the past to learn how to address the current problem. In everything old there remains some new. With this in mind, hopefully, we will meet the many increasing challenges of our time and ensure a successful future.


Spending and Investing

Thursday, July 15th, 2010

Francine has been coming to therapy for about a month. Her parents brought her due to problems and conflicts she was experiencing boat home, school and in the community. Like many teens, Francine did not see the value of therapy and felt the problems were only her parents’ issues. Besides, if she needed to talk to anyone, she would speak with her friends.

I asked Francine why she was coming to therapy. She said because her parents wanted her to. I found this very telling because many disenfranchised and at-risk or defiant youth would just not come – often using all kinds of expletives to tell the parents why they refuse to come. Francine was different. Thought she didn’t want to be here, she still came “for her parents.” This was certainly a “door” to further open in her therapy.

Many clients coming for therapy are self-referrals. That is, they recognize a problem and seek help for what is causing them difficulties in their daily functioning. However, many of my referrals are from third parties. That is, referred by a school, employer, the courts, lawyers or parents.

So, what should you do if the client really doesn’t want to be in therapy or is unable or refuses to see the merits of counseling? I know colleagues who refuse to accept these referrals. Either the client “buys” into the therapy by taking responsibility or they will not see them. Personally, I have a problem with this approach. There is a residential treatment program here in Toronto which will not accept a youth unless he or she is willing to voluntarily go into the program. However, for many of these young people, if they were capable of making that decision for their own best interest, they would not need the program.

So, what should a therapist do with clients like Francine? Most of us, if not all of us, have built in resistance to that which we find uncomfortable. If I don’t like doing something, I will either procrastinate or avoid the situation entirely. Let’s be honest – most of us do not want to talk about things that are confronting us, bothering us or painful for us. It’s only if we really trust or know that it will help, that we are willing to go down that road.

This reminds me of two stories: The first story is of a little boy about eight or nine who has a terrible sore throat. You know, one of those where you can’t even swallow without feeling like you’re swallowing razor blades. He went crying to his mother, who rushed him to an emergency walk-in clinic. When the doctor looked into his throat, he said it was infected and needed immediate treatment. That meant an injection, as oral medication would take took long exclaimed that the infection needed immediate treatment. He felt oral medication wouldn’t be effective quickly enough. As the doctor injected him, the little boy cried out in pain. As the mother and son were leaving, the son was heard crying, “I came in with my throat hurting so much and now my throat and arm are hurting so much”. We’ll return to this story.

The second story is of a little girl with a terrible toothache at the back of the upper left side of her mouth. She goes crying to her mother, who immediately takes her to an emergency dental clinic. The dentist seats her in the chair and begins his examination on the lower right side, proceeds to the upper right and carefully moves to the lower left side. So far the scared little girl is thinking that this isn’t too bad. Finally the dentist proceeds to the upper left side and touches the infected tooth. The child screams in pain.

What is the moral of these two stories? There is a common theme to them and I would like for you to stop reading for a minute to think this through. What is the moral of the stories and what does this moral have to do with going to therapy?

Sometimes in order to feel better what we do may cause more pain at the beginning. The extra pain is not done out of malice, but as part of the treatment. Also, if we go into therapy and touch on the non-effective issues (sports scores, weather, etc) it won’t hurt, but we also will not be dealing with the problem areas. In therapy, sometimes it might initially hurt more to talk about the problems and analyze what’s happening, but in the end the pain will be much less and we will function better.

I asked Francine the following questions: What is the difference between spending and investing? At first, she had no idea what this question had to do with her therapy. However, the discussion that followed really helped her to gain perspective about her therapy sessions.

What is spending? When we spend money it is to purchase something that we will have for a limited amount of time. For example, when I buy pizza it’s with the knowledge that once I eat it, its gone. I have spent my money and am left with nothing but the fond memories of the taste. I can buy a new suit knowing that after some period of time I will either be too small or not to my taste anymore. The same is true for whatever we buy. Most purchases have a time limitation. I know this going into the purchase and that is what I want and expect.

What is an investment? When I invest in something, say a stock or bond, I do so for one primary reason. I hope, and plan, to end up with more than I put in. This does not always materialize, but my attitude, my intent, is to leave with more than I put in. The probability is that the more I put into the planning and research, the better my investment and the more I will walk away with.

So, have you figured out the relationship in spending and investing with therapy? Did you figure out what Francine discovered in our therapy sessions?

What you get out of therapy depends on your intent or attitude going in. If I go into therapy, or even an individual session, with the plan that I will spend time with my therapist or I am spending time in the session, the probability is that you will walk out with very little, if anything, to gain from it. I spent my time, the time is up and now I leave (probably forgetting all or much of any discoveries I made). That’s because when I spend I don’t expect a long-term benefit or return on my time. On the other hand, if I invest in the time I am with my therapist, I expect to leave with more than I came in with. I expect my knowledge to grow and pay dividends. Speaking of dividends, I tell my clients that I don’t want to pay dividends once or twice a year, but rather I try to pay dividends every session. Those dividends are insights, good feelings, knowledge and a sense that we are one step closer to the big pay off.

I share this with you hoping that if you are looking to improve your life, to get more our of it and to function on a higher level, you will remember the importance of investing your time and energy as you search for the meanings of your life in whatever means you chose.

Mr. Schild is the Executive Director of Regesh Family and Child Services in Toronto, Ontario Canada. Regesh runs many programs helping families and youth dealing with personal and family issues in their lives. He is currently open to speaking engagements. He can be reached at 416-495-8832 extension 222 or eschild@regesh.com. Visit www.regesh.com. See our second website specific to our enhanced anger management clinic at www.regeshangerclinic.com.

De-escalating Crises at Home

Wednesday, June 16th, 2010

Mr. and Mrs. S. came into the office with their ten-year-old daughter, Sharon. They were very distraught and had numerous complaints about Sharon’s behaviors. Not only was she having problems academically and behaviorally in school, but they also complained that every time they asked Sharon to do something at home it became a major altercation. They felt they were living from one crisis to the next. It seemed the more problems she was having in school, the more the problems she had at home. They had identified a direct relationship between the two. Their question to me was how to avoid such crises.

Family disruptions and its associated anger issues due to a child’s behaviors is a common cause for referrals to Regesh Family and Child Services. Likewise, I find myself giving more and more presentations to parent groups on how to de-escalate crises in the home. I could never understand why parenting is not a mandatory course in every high school. Also, why don’t we find more support groups for parents, even for those not experiencing problems, but more for preventative measures? I have the questions, but not the answers.

For conflict resolution in the home, let’s first agree that conflicts in families are inevitable. Second, parents who come to talk about their children’s behavior often talk in generalities and surprisingly have difficulties being specific about the disruptive behaviors they would like to correct. It seems when we are emotionally involved and stressed, the problem behaviors congeal into one big “headache.” For example, we often use a general term that may mean a different thing to different people. By “stealing,” do we mean taking pennies off the dresser or taking merchandise from a store without paying for it? By being late for curfew, do we mean consistently or randomly? Is it fifteen minutes late or hours late? By saying the child is irresponsible, what are we referring to? Is he or she not admitting to their transgressions or not being on time? Without clearly identifying and understanding the problem, one cannot work on a resolution. Rather, the issue remains an emotional problem which is difficult to resolve.

Once we realize that we need to be specific in identifying problem behaviors, it helps to analyze the situation. For example, is the particular behavior typical of a certain developmental stage? When does the behavior occur? Why might children in general behave this way or why might this particular child behave this way? Is this a new behavior or one we have seen before?

One common question I ask myself is whether the behavior of the child (or even adults) is one of an emotionally disturbed person or is the behavior emotionally disturbing? The first is that of a person where a mental health problem is influencing the behavior, while the later is where the person is causing mental stress to another person. Often in school or home the child is causing emotional stress to the parent or teacher and is thus emotionally disturbing the other person. The child is causing havoc for reasons other than having mental health issues. On the other hand, it might be stressful to the parent or teacher because the child is not in their control.

Often we describe a child as “out of control.” Another question to ask is whether the child is really out of control or just misbehaving and not following directions. That is, whose control is the child out of? Is he out of control of the adult who is asking him to do something, meaning he’s not following their direction, or is the child out of his own control and perhaps having a temper tantrum? If it’s the latter, and he’s having a temper tantrum, he cannot stop himself at that moment. In determining what to do, we must understand this behavior very clearly.

When analyzing a situation with respect to your own children, ask yourself the following questions:

Is the child able or capable of processing the situation with either a parent or third party?
Is the problem behavior dangerous? What is the danger? To whom is the danger? Does this behavior, when it occurs, need an immediate response or can we process the situation with the child?

What are the long-term consequences of this behavior or our reactions/responses to the behavior?
Why does this behavior bother me? Is it disturbed or disturbing? Is the problem my problem or the child’s? This is a much more difficult question than it appears. Does the behavior push only my buttons? In other words, would others agree that the behavior is disturbing to them also?
Is it part of normal development?

So the question remains, how do we engage our children for better cooperation? Here are some helpful means of achieving this goal:

Describe what you see as the problem

When parents describe the problem, it gives the children a chance to tell themselves what to do. This also assures that both of you are identifying the same problem. This is an important first step. Continue attempting to agree on exactly what the problem is, as there might be differences in the way the two of you perceive things. For example, is the problem the teen came in late from curfew or “my parents are just in a bad mood?” One is breaking a rule while the other is a problem with a person. The key is to keep a calm voice and demeanor when doing this exercise.

Give information

Information is a lot easier to take then accusations. When given information, kids can usually figure out for themselves what to do. Ask the child what he/she thinks should be the resolution and praise them for their effort. Sometimes information quickly turns to accusations and name-calling. Of course, this becomes provocative and leads to more conflict. We soon forget the original disagreement and now concentrate on the new problem.

Say it with a word

Less is more effective. Kids dislike hearing lectures. The old parenting program called 1-2-3- Magic is so successful because it reduces the amount of words and lecturing to a minimum. The more words, the more there is to fight about. Keep it simple!

Talk about your feelings

Kids need to hear that their parents’ have feelings. We don’t have to protect them from this. In fact, it encourages them to use their words and to talk about how they are feeling and what’s bothering them. On the other hand, when parents get overly emotional with their feelings, it often frightens the child who feels they have to protect themselves or the parent. It’s important to be genuine, but not hurtful.

Write a note

Sometimes it’s easier to read a note than to be told something. Compliments can also be shared in notes. Note writing avoids heavy emotional reactions. I’ve seen this strategy work over and over again. It’s amazing what a “thank you” note will do for relationship building between a parent and child. I once worked with a family where, after tremendous strife one day between a father and his daughter, the father bought a rose and just placed it on his daughter’s pillow without any card or lecture. She got the message that he still loved her and the relationship was on its way.

Of course, this is only the beginning of building better relationships in a family, by developing good conflict resolution strategies. Many books and articles have been written on the topic. What are YOU doing to de-escalate crises in your family when they arise? You can e-mail me at eschild@regesh.com to share your strategies and thoughts on this topic. I will share your ideas and strategies with our readers.


Oh, So Angry (Part IV)

Monday, March 29th, 2010


The “secrets of anger” are:













Now the series of reactions start.









Oh, So Angry (Part III)

Wednesday, March 17th, 2010














Printed from: http://www.jewishpress.com/sections/family/parenting-our-children/oh-so-angry-part-iii/2010/03/17/

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