Chapter 3. Spanish Inquisition

A/N: Dudes, I suck I know. 9 days without a post, that's pretty lame. Though I just couldn't think of anything and when I did, it was pretty bad. I posted this to end the story. But I think I'll come up short. Especially with the really horrid humour.

But please Review anyways. :)

Disclaimer: I own bugger all.


Bella poked her head down from the top of the stairs, her cheeks flaming, and her eyes wide. "You all imagined I just said that. At the same time!"

Esme and I had just figured out that Bella saw us yesterday afternoon while the others were hunting. Frankly, I was shocked that she had been so cheeky in letting us know she knew.

She was truly a Cullen after all. Though her comment as she climbed the stairs took me off guard and it wasn't the mention of a vampire's attractiveness, but the fact that she called us her parents. I smiled at that as warmth spread through my body, I hadn't felt so fatherly since Alice and Jasper first moved in.

Edward chuckled slightly at that, I'm not sure why, although I flipped him the bird mentally. It'll be him one day. I don't need Alice for that.

Bella was now running down the hallway, towards Edward's room. We all heard her small feet thump along the long hallway because then, Emmett raced up the stairs at supernatural speed. A second later, I heard Bella fall to the ground as she collided with Emmett.

"Emmett you butt head!" She yelled, only to receive the reply of laughter from Emmett. I heard Bella squeak and kick against Emmett as they appeared at the stairs, Bella flailing over Emmett huge shoulders.

"Put me down Emmett, I'm getting motion sickness!" He chuckled

"You think that's funny Emmett! Well you won't be laughing when I throw up all over you!" She was back on the ground, upright, faster than you could say Bloody Mary.

Bella walked away from Emmett and taking a seat next to Edward on the floor in front of the couch. She snuggled in to his side, her heart beating erratically. She knew just as well as I what was coming next – The all dreaded Spanish Inquisition. There was an uncomfortable silence in the room. But, Emmett broke it.

"Soo. . ." He raised an eyebrow suggestively.

It starts now. I was nervous, I swear I saw Esme quivering in fear and I know Jasper could feel it. This sucks.

"Okay Bella, where did you pick up the slang from?" Alice queried. That was simple enough. I just hope Bella tells the truth instead of being cheeky.

"A show. A very entertaining one at that." She smiled. I spoke too soon! Now we have to play along. So will the rest of them.

Que Jaws music.

"What was that show called Bella?" She pressed

"I don't remember, I'm human, all I know is there was lots of leather."

"Do you remember what the actors looked like?" Rosalie asked. She was intrigued to say the least.

"Not particularly, I was distracted."

"By what?"

"Their bodies. They're to die for. Literally." Just dig yourself in deeper Bella.

"Do you remember anything about the actors at all?"

"Umm. . . well, one was blonde and the other had a nice bum. He was a much better version of Travolta in Grease. And I never thought I'd say this, but she put Rose to shame."

Don't you forget it!

"So Carlisle, I take it you have seen this show?" Edward asked, smug no doubt. Stupid mind reader. You'll pay Edward.

"Yes actually, I'm very close to one of the actresses. She's impressive to say the least." I better be awarded for this tonight.

"Bashful are we Esme?" Oh, boy. Jasper is a goner! Esme gave him a death glare and it was definitely one to be afraid of!

"No Jasper. I think your gift maybe broken."


"Don't make me come over there."

"Oh, mummy I'm so scared. What are you gonna do? Hug me to death?"

"Precisely." She gave Jasper the look. I've seen that look before, it means business. The last time she used that look it was on a nurse several years ago who was shamelessly flirting with me. I was so close to having to physically restrain her. She channeled that rage and envy thankfully, much to my advantage. I smiled joyously at that night. She even began channeling right in front of that nurse. Good times, good times.

"Oh, eww. Jazz, you'd better stop!" Edward grimaced.

"Don't like it, then too bad." I had an eyebrow raised.

Then Bella burst, "Okay, okay! I know you know already, this is just pissing me off." It was all eyes on Bella. "Yesterday I was really bored while you guys were hunting and I decided to stop over and I caught Mama and Papa. But I left before it got too intimate, but at the same token, it was quite a show. Okay, I said it can I go now?"

If Esme and I were able to blush, we'd be fire trucks, although Bella was doing the job for all three of us. Everyone burst out laughing.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," Emmett started "that was quite obvious, everyone knew. We just wanted to hear you say it." He turned to us, "and watch their reactions."

Bella was angry and we all knew it, her lips were set into a hard line, her eyebrows were knitted together and the frown lines looked as though they were going to be permanently etched in her forehead, whilst she was still blushing furiously.

". . . You. Suck."

"Too right." Emmett retorted. She rolled her eyes.

"What were their outfits like Bella?" Typical Alice.

"Other than Carlisle's shirt, it was all leather." You could see Alice was trying to imagine the outfits. "Oh, that's not right, Esme was wearing red lingerie."

Esme and Bella's eyes widened. "Sorry!"

"Can I see it?"

"Alice!" I chided "For my eyes only. . . and Bella's apparently."

"What can I say, I have a hot mum."


"And I'd say I have a hot dad, but unfortunately I couldn't tell. Too covered up you see." This means war!

"Well, I could say you were more than a pretty face, but I haven't seen enough to be the judge of that." Our eyes were narrowed at each other, just like the old Western movies. She was flexing her knuckles by her side and I quivered my eyebrow in reply.

A long hooting sound came from several family members. Bella stood up and I followed suit. Our spouses on our flanks. Esme on my right, Edward on Bella's right. We strode forward meeting in the centre of the room where the hand on her free side, brushed heavily on my behind. I turned to her to see her leering, before she was looking at me with a crooked smile.

"Point to Eddie. Edward one. Carlisle zero."

We were now at opposite sides, facing each other about a foot apart.

"Kinkiest place you've had sex." She said.

"We snuck on to the "Gone In Sixty Seconds set in 1974. On the hood of Eleanor." I stated, not hesitating.

"Really Carlisle?" Esme asked, "I would have said New Year's Eve 1969 at Central Park Fountain first then the set in '74.

"Don't worry sweetheart, that was a close second."

"You had sex in Central Park Fountain! Oh my God Rose we are so doing that." That was followed by an 'Ow', after Rosalie slapped him on the back of the head.

"Don't announce it Emmett." She whispered.

"Okay Bella, the kinkiest place you want to have sex."

"Your office." She smiled as if she had me there.

I smiled back. "Been there, done that." I turned down to my wife and gave her a sweet chaste kiss. Esme held on to my face with her petite hands and looked at Bella.

"That's one all I believe?" She giggled and kissed me deeply. I nibbled in her ear and murmured "Show off," before facing Bella again.

Alice piped up squealing in excitement,

"I have the perfect tie breaker!" She leaped forward and grabbed our arms in same movement and pulled us to the stairs. She shoved me into my bedroom and Bella into Alice's. I heard Bella groan and whine. This mustn't be good.

Alice paraded back in to my room with her hands behind her back. She grinned brightly and pulled out a pair of black Speedos. I believe they are called Budgie Smugglers in Australia.

There was no way I was getting out of this so I cringed and stuck my hand out, feeling the material in my hands.

I changed within seconds and waited outside Alice's room and minutes later, the door swung open and revealed Bella trying to cover herself up in what looked like a set from Victoria's Secret. I held my arm out and she linked hers with mine and we walked down the stairs.

The first thing I saw was Edward's eye almost fall out of his head. I mean I know I'm attractive but seriously, then I noticed it wasn't me who he was staring at.

I turned to Bella and actually saw what she was wearing. It was in fact a set. It was in midnight blue and flattered her body significantly.

"You guys were complaining about not being able to judge. So I resolved the problem, now everyone judges." I swear I'm living with the devil.

"Cast your votes. Out loud."

"Bella!" Edward was the first to answer, Esme following closely with my name. Gosh, I wish we were in the opposite position right now.

Alice wasn't voting as she chose the outfits and the others took a while longer.

"I'm going to say Bella, for three reasons." Jasper announced, "the first is that Bella looks pretty darn sexy in that ensemble and second, seeing my father like that is kind of creepy and third, mom just totally wants dad and I want dad right now too and it sucks." Peels of laughter rumbled through the house from each of us. Poor Jasper, ah well he got his come up pence.

"Whilst Bella looks fabulous, Papa takes the take, I mean the blonde flick of the hair, the lean toned muscles, it's true, he's too sexy for his own good. Flaunt it!"

I swear, I will never understand Emmett's mind. Rose is the last to vote and had a peculiar expression on her face. She thought for barely seconds, although I hardly believe she was thinking of her vote. I was proven right.

"This is absolutely ridiculous, you expect me to vote on who looks more attractive, picking between my soon-to-be human sister in skimpy lingerie and my pseudo father in only a pair of swimwear. I refuse to take part."

"Oh, Rose, your no fun." Alice whined, then she turned to Bella and I, "Sorry guys, looks like it's a tie."

"Alice, don't worry. It was just a bit of fun." Esme comforted.

"Yeah, although can I ask one more question for the both of you?"

"Only if we can ask you one Bella."

"Sure. Are there any other role play days?"

"Yes of course Bella." Esme smiled, no doubt reviewing each time. "There was Doctor and Nurse, School Teacher and student, Good Cop, Bad Cop, Pocahontas, Romeo and Juliet, Cathy and Heathcliff, Tarzan and Jane – that was a good one – just to name a few."

"And I missed it!" she cried. "I mean, real original. What the heck?" she tried to cover up, too bad it was pathetic.

"Oh, Bella where did you think Edward was taking you on prom night?"