Am I being unreasonable to confront this woman?

(582 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 19-Sep-13 01:33:00

for those of you who don't know I wear a face veil usually a patterned scarf to avoid sticking out so much lol. point is I expect the odd comments maybe groans as I work past in my honour of course.

But two times now this senior lady I'd say in her 60s or more unprovoked loudly made comments at me. The first time she said" why are you wearing that" I was walking past with my twin buggy to supermarket, I thght she was incredibly rude. Had she said excuse me and proceeded to ask me a question in a normal tone I wouldn't have been miffed. Still I kept my cool said religious reasons as I walked away. I didn't want a conversation I don't see why I should explain when she was so rude.

yet today I see her again shouting across the road at me this time." No need to wear that take it off". Today I would say she looked aggressive or perhaps it was my eyes deceiving me. My toddler was with me she looked distressed said" mummy whys that lady shouting". I said "she's prob ill like your gran never mind her."

Should I confront her if this happens again? I'm not an aggressive person quite a walkover and not much confidence but I think it can't be ignored its like harassment.

I dread to think ill pass her again if I pop out she's always on the same route as me, yet why should I dread her.

Granted she doesn't like my dress neither does my brother, I'm not harming her in anyway. one sibling said I shouldn't confront her in case she goes to the police. But that's insane what reason would she have to go to the police i would simply tell her to get off my case. How would she like it if I told her to change her dress for something more acceptable to me. She's not the fashion police or the law.

Please remember this is not a conversation on whether you approve of my dress rather this woman's behaviour

DaleyBump Thu 19-Sep-13 01:36:13

How rude! It's absolutely none of her business what you wear and your reasons for it. You should not feel wary of her - she seems like another narrow minded person who, fortunately, are in the minority.

If you are going to confront her, make sure you do it in a calm, reasonable way and not in front of your children.

If you fear for your safety (you said she seemed aggressive) I would ring the police. flowers for you, you shouldn't have to put up with that.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 19-Sep-13 01:40:45

Simply tell her you will wear what you want.

brightnearly Thu 19-Sep-13 01:41:00

What an unpleasant, nasty situation for you, OP! With regard to police, it is you after all who is being harassed and needs protection.
Hoping someone wiser than me comes along shortly. Direct confrontation could go both ways. Is there any police presence where you tend to come across her?

Tellinthetruth Thu 19-Sep-13 01:47:22

She is rude, only confront her if she comes to you again, be the better person, you do not have to explain yourself. Everone has the right to wear what ever they like

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 19-Sep-13 01:49:00

yes I was thinkin about kids. Usually the two little ones are with me and one is 3 years she is fully aware of what I say so maybe it's not a good idea. I don't think she wants a conversation but husband said I need to confront her, he says I need to stand up for myself. But I hear a voice in my head from my parents saying respect your elders always even if they're wrong. I know it's stupid but that's got me thinking I should try and ignore her. Just blank her pretend I'm foreign?

DaleyBump Thu 19-Sep-13 01:51:27

Respect has to be earned, it's not a right. Agree with a pp, only confront her if she approaches you again. You should not have to pretend you don't understand her and you've already told her you were wearing the scarf for religious reasons so she'll probably remember that.

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 19-Sep-13 01:52:04

Yep husband miffed that I even made a passing comment that its religious reasons he said I don't have to explain myself since we can all wear wht we like without commenting on others dress however bizarre it may seem to us.

MidniteScribbler Thu 19-Sep-13 01:58:29

Just give her a withering look up and down and say "do you really think that you're in any position to give fashion advice?"

It all depends what you mean by confront. Dress like this and drop her = not cool. Calmly tell her she is rude and it is none of her business what you wear = fine.

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 19-Sep-13 02:19:41

Lol I have those black two piece outfits but to be honest where I live in Scotland ethnic communities are a minority. So to appear more friendly and approachable I ditched black headdress for patterned scarves. If that lady saw me in one of those outfits she would either get more verbal or she would go silent lool

justanuthermanicmumsday Thu 19-Sep-13 02:24:40

Stuff like this does make me reconsider wearing the veil. I know a girl who wore a headscarf only with her regular clothes no black dress like me. She had it yanked off her because a guy decided he didn't like it. She was strong enough to continue wearing it I'm so weak minded compared to her.

Secretswitch Thu 19-Sep-13 02:51:32

Honey, keep wearing your scarf and ignore her. You do not owe her any explanation. Best not to get into a confrontation. You certainly do not want your little one's frightened. If you feel unsafe in anyway then certainly ring the police. This woman is nothing but a bully. <hugs to you>

I've had plenty of comments on what I'm wearing if it's out of the ordinary

particularly a black leather bra with spikes which I loved when I was 16

covering your face in public can be seen a hostile act as you are choosing to conceal your identity and prevent people from relating to you in a normal human way

it is therefore likely to attract hostile responses in return, just like my spiky bra or a facial tattoo

Lora1982 Thu 19-Sep-13 04:15:35

Hahaa I was thinking you should say something along the lines of midnitescribblers suggestion. She will probably say something everytime you see her if you dont nip it in the bud but clearly you can't say anything too bad infront of your children sad

nancydrew Thu 19-Sep-13 06:39:50


Heartisaspade - the OP said she doesn't need you comment on her clothing, the issue is hostile behaviour from the older woman.

Have you thought about discussing it with police on the 101 non emergency number OP? Verbal aggression towards a woman with 2 small children sounds out of order to me, especially on grounds of difference. This is a hate incident.

Hope you find some support in real life to help you deal with this.

WilsonFrickett Thu 19-Sep-13 06:44:35

Even in Scotland, it's not that unusual to see someone veiled. It certainly is unusual to agressively shout across the road at someone, especially for a 60 yo. I'd be wondering if there is something else at play here, maybe dementia?

With that in mind, I would pop into your local police station the next time you're there - she may be known to the police already. Unless you are truly the only veiled person in your town, she's probably doing it to other people.

I'm honestly not trying to minimise what she's doing, it's horrible and it must be horrible for you, but it isn't really normal, not even in Scotland!

Purple2012 Thu 19-Sep-13 06:48:12

If she says something again then I would confront her then. But calmly, something along the lines of not having to explain to anyone why your wear what you wear and that you don't want to hear her comment on it again.

exoticfruits Thu 19-Sep-13 06:49:17

I would ignore- you have absolutely no need to explain or justify. She must be saying it to get a reaction- the most upsetting thing in that case, for her, is not to give her one.

ZillionChocolate Thu 19-Sep-13 06:55:36

If she shouts across the street I'd ignore her. If she's closer, I might say "I'm not interested in prejudiced views, please mind your own business". I suppose it's possible she thinks you're repressed and forced to veil yourself.

picnicbasketcase Thu 19-Sep-13 07:02:12

'You're right, I don't need to wear this. However I am choosing to, so it's none of your business. Just like it's none of mine to point out how stupid your shoes are'.

Not really of course. She does sound like a nosy person who goes around looking for things to be offended by.

Altinkum Thu 19-Sep-13 07:15:27

I wouldn't confront her, her ignorance is in her comments.

And tbh confronting her would probably lead to you being further upset, it isn't worth it.

penguin73 Thu 19-Sep-13 08:25:44

I think many people have been persuaded that wearing a veil/scarf is not a personal choice but something imposed on females, and this can prejudice their opinion of them. If you choose to speak to her I would consider emphasising that it is your choice, that you like wearing it and ask her why there is a problem. She might continue to be rude - but then again you might just give her something to think about...

HarderToKidnap Thu 19-Sep-13 08:30:29

The police would take this very seriously, should you choose to involve them. I have no doubt they would try and prosecute her. Up to you if you want to take this route of course.

ageofgrandillusion Thu 19-Sep-13 08:33:16

Ignore her. You dont have to explain anything to her.

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