Friday, June 26, 2009

So you want to drive a FAST CAR

Q. What's the definition of a pussy magnet?

A. Anything that attracts cunts like you.

Friday, June 19, 2009

So you want to JOIN PETA

Is being a sanctimonious, self-satisfied, yogurt-knitted moaner on your own not good enough for you? Do you feel the need to spout your pious, wholemeal moralizing as part of a group? Do you want to prove to the world that the misguided dietary preferences of a bunch of over-privileged whiners can be even more annoying than we all thought possible?

Of course you do.

We know, we know. Because animals are great, blah blah, cows have such soulful eyes, chickens are mistreated, lambs are cute, pigs are clever, fish are ... you know ... sort of good, foie gras is so beastly and tasty and so on and so forth and so boring. Done, snooze, skip to the end.

Because here's something you might not have taken into account: PETA sucks. Really. Think about it. For all those years of indignant, shrill, irritating, self-righteous, disproportionate, poorly targeted, hysterical nagging and whining ... what has the organization actually achieved? Answer: Not a lot. In fact, the only thing it manages to do on a consistent basis is annoy reasonable people who might otherwise have had some small morsel of sympathy for your ill-judged point of view.

So please realize that, no matter what you might think about fur, there are better ways of getting your point across. And trust us when we say that flashing your skinny vegan grumble bumps around town is only going to advertise the value of eating red meat to anyone who sees you.

Friday, June 12, 2009

So you want to go on VACATION

We're in our happy place right now - back next week.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

So you want to be a PRINCESS

Imagine all the pretty jewels and tiaras you'll get to wear, and all the beautiful, long, flowing dresses, and the perfect, sparkling shoes. And think about the magnificent castle you'll live in, with all those elegant turrets and fluttering flags and cute little men in uniforms with swords standing outside. And don't forget your shimmering golden horse-drawn carriage that will take you wherever you want to go, even to the poshest shops which will open specially just for you and give you whatever you want for free.

And try not to think about the paparazzi pack ready to follow your every move for the rest of your life, including - but not restricted to - your bad acne, tears, fashion mistakes, cellulite, angry outbursts, solitude, embarrassing situations, fear, nipple flashes, frustration, and horrific accidents involving fast cars and concrete pillars in Paris.

It will be just like living in a fairytale, won't it?

Friday, June 5, 2009

So you want to drive a BIG TRUCK

Yeah, bro! Go for it, like, totally. Buy a really big shiny pickup with big wheels and big lights and big tires and big roll bars and a big gun rack and big flames painted on it. Yeeeeah! That would be AWESOME! You can drive around in the mud in it, and sling bales of hay and big planks and bricks and tough stuff like that in the back, and hang out next to it with your friends drinking light beers safe in the knowledge that you're all manly men doing manly things.

Just like in those ads.

You know, the ones on TV for big trucks made by hard-assed truck makers like Dodge and Ford and Chevy. The ones showing manly men doing manly things, looking buff, and wearing tight T-shirts. The ones that don't have a single woman in them, anywhere, ever. Yeah! That's the stuff. Real men. Manly men. Together.

Because we think it's wonderful that you've finally come to terms with what you've always suspected deep down in your manly crotch: Real men like you love real men like them. Congratulations, we're proud of you, you big tough hunk of man you.