Friday, September 26, 2014


Fear is an interesting thing. It can make you do a lot of different things depending on the situation and who you are as a person. Fear motivates people in ways other people never expect. There's a lot of different things for different people to fear at different times. It's a complex emotion (hey, what isn't?) and as a writer I've explored it. I've studied fear in my characters and of course, I've studied it in myself.

For those of you reading this that follow my Twitter account,you'll notice that for the past two days I haven't been writing. For those of you who have no idea who I am: that's REALLY weird for me. Well, unless I've finished a project or National Novel Writing Month is over. I've not finished a project and NaNo isn't until November.

So, why did I stop writing? Am I suffering from writer's block? I don't believe in writer's block. Am I having problems with my Inner Editor? My Inner Editor is my Muse and we rarely have issues. Am I stuck in my current plot? Not really. So, again, why did I stop writing?

I'm afraid.

That's right. I'm afraid. Of what? Well, a lot of things. I'm afraid of midnight, mirrors after midnight, oh, right, writing. Sorry. I'm afraid of rejection. I'm afraid of not being good enough. I'm scared to SHIT of what I'm planning to do next month so I'm procrastinating this month.

What is it that's making me so afraid?

Well, you see, I've been an official self-published author since March 2010. Yeah, four years. I've not even come close to seeing my return on anything. I actually hate the only novel I have available right now and all my anthologies are unedited.

I'm also working as essentially an unpaid intern and have been for about the same amount of time as I've been self-published. For clarification: I've not had a paycheck in over four years. I've been surviving off lines of credit, credit cards, and inheritance. Not fun, I'll tell you that much.

What does that have to do with my fear of what's going to happen next month? Simple. At the beginning of this year I made it one of my goals to publish something. Next month, I'm going to start the beginning phases of completing that goal.

My plan is to start some kind of funding campaign (kickstarter, gofundme, gofundle, pick one dang it) and raise enough funds to edit, get a cover (if I can't make a decent one) and promote Burnt: The Story of the Fire King which is this month's novel.

If the campaign is successful (I'm planning to run it until December) then I'll have a published novel I'm proud about out into the world by early next year, depending on editing. If I use the 2K or so I hope to keep for promoting then I'll actually be able to get it into reader's hands and possibly make enough to at least pay some of my bills.

So what's the problem? Again, I'm scared shitless. Why? Because I've done the editing shtick before. I've had editors tell me that my stuff is great but seeing all those comments and red lines makes me think I'm not good enough. I see it as a kind of rejection, that I've messed up so bad that I shouldn't even bother. Granted it is grammar, wrong words, and tighter sentence structure that is meant to help (and does) but I still can't seem to get past it. I'm not sure why.

I do know for sure that I don't like to leave a goal unfinished and I've had the publishing goal on my resolutions list for years now. It's about time I give it one more try. Again: that is scaring the crap out of me. I know that as soon as I start the funding campaign and especially if it succeeds: I'm going to have to deliver. I'm going to have to get the book edited and actually CORRECT the changes then move on. I've given myself a deadline of October 10.

That deadline means I'll have the funding campaign started and I'll be promoting it like nuts. I'm hoping I don't deliberately let it fail so I don't have to see someone's professional editing.

Hell, even letting a good Twitter friend read a short story freaked me the Hell out. She tells me I'm good enough. Others have told me in the past that I'm good enough.

I don't think I am. I'm afraid I'm not. I'm afraid of being made fun of and rejected. I'm afraid of negative reviews and people not liking my work, and by extension: me.

But, I intend to overcome that fear. I owe it not just to me but to my characters and to all the people who have believed in me all these years. And quite frankly: I need to do this. If I don't I'll end up living on the street, literally because there is only so long lines of credit and what not can hold out. I'm running out of time and damn it, I like my bed.

Fear can conquer you if you let it. I'm tired of letting it hold me back.

Until next time: comments, rants, rage, questions, and concerns can be directed to the comments.

Friday, September 19, 2014

2014 Novel Series #9: Pieces

So this was book 9 of the year, the first book written for July's Camp NaNo. I finished it in 13 days which is funny because there are 13 books in the series. Anyway, I then took a mental break and wrote a scene for a completely different world. I planned a bit of the 13th novel, wrote Best Friend: The Body Part Fairy and moved on the to the 12th book of the series.

This one wasn't as hard to write as the ones prior. It looked back to the events before Face Snatcher where James was on his own as a profiler and basically helped people. Also, this is the book that (with Dammit_Woman's help) inspired Best Friend: The Body Part Fairy. I was giving everyone body parts so...yeah. ONWARD!

Genre: Thriller/Mystery

Word Count: 67,010

Prompt: Voltaire's Ex Lover's Lover:

Main Characters: James Reeves, Mia Liu, Lucy McGregor, Michael Brown, Sable Abella, Gavriila "Karma" Saytakhmetov and our killer.

Minor Characters of Note: David Jones and his boyfriend Andy Smith (again, I know), Cade Golding, Patterson, and, Voltaire - the singer, animator, musician.

Summation: An old case that James tried to solve comes back to haunt him. It was his first official failure but not because of something he did. Now he has a chance to catch the killer who is systematically sending all the survivors of James' prior cases the body parts of the killer's new victim.

High Points: Voltaire.

Low Points: Michael, kind of.

The World: Ours. I'm going to be so glad when I don't have to type that...

Memorable Lines:

(James is 22 here:)
"It'll be fine, kid." Rogers (a much older detective) said.
James scowled. That was the other thing he hated about being a decade younger than the youngest detective. They all called him kid, son, sport, or boy because of the age gap. James had always hated those kind of nicknames.
"I am not a child, nor am I the offspring of a goat." James told him.

What if I were to cut you up and mail each part to a different town? It would take the most brilliant private eye the rest of his life just to put you together. Are you ready to play again Mr, pardon, Detective Reeves?

"Okay. So, what exactly is going on?" McGregor asked.
"Um, there's a severed finger in the box." Izzy said.
Sable dropped the folder she had been holding. Mia cursed under her breath and began moving the boxes and files off the table. McGregor raised her eyebrows and strode towards James. He offered her the box and true to whom she was; McGregor pulled a pair of bagged latex gloves out of her back pocket before taking the box.
"Huh. Do I dare ask where the rest is?" McGregor questioned.
"You can ask but you won't like the answer. The rest won't be coming for a while." James said.
They all looked at him like he'd lost his mind. The funny thing was that he was sure he had just found it.
"What?" McGregor asked.
"I've worked this case before. It won't end like it did the last time." James said.
"Okay. I'm going to go get my kit. Then we can get updated on the old case." McGregor said.
"Two old cases." James said as she started walking away.
"What?" McGregor questioned.
"Oh, James saved me from a serial rapist eight years ago." Izzy said.
"Of course he did. He's James." McGregor said.

"I wondered why I recognized the note." McGregor said.
"Bet you thought you were going crazy, huh?" Mia asked.
"Not really. I recognized the song lyrics." McGregor said.
"Song lyrics?" Michael asked before James could.
McGregor looked at the speakers then at James. It had been a song. No one had figured that out. They had simply thought it was a way for the unsub (The Puzzler) to taunt them.
"You guys had no idea it was a song?" McGregor questioned.
"No." James answered.
She snorted then started half-singing, half talking:
"What if I were to cut you up and mail each part to a different town? It would take the most brilliant private eye the rest of his life just to put you together, a piece in each mail box all over the planet, from Moscow to Tokyo to Guadalajara. I wait for the day when I finally defile, the bodies of my ex-lover's lovers. I'll pile high to the sky, the bodies of my ex-lover's lovers. I wait for the day when I finally destroy, the bodies of my ex-lover's lovers. It's a song called "Ex-Lover's Lovers" by Aurelio Voltaire." McGregor said.
"You okay over there?" Mia asked.
"I'm fine and not lying about it this time." James said.
"Oh, good. I guess you just needed to be given a severed finger in a box." McGregor said.

"He moved to live in Woodborough, followed the cases we worked on, and is now physically watching each survivor just to taunt me. I would be flattered if this wasn't so morbid." James said.

"Who gets the job of sewing that (the fingers to the palm) back together?" Mia asked.
"Sable." McGregor said.
"Huh?" Sable gasped.
"Hey, you're my assistant so you get the jobs I don't want to do. Plus it'll be fun putting the hand back together. Oh and you need practice with sewing body parts back to the main body. You're great at closing wounds but this is entirely different."

"Well, you found him. Hello Detective. Whatever it was: I didn't do it." (Hehehe)

The surviving victim of the Face Snatcher (blind among other things) :
"I never got to see what any of my rescuers looked like. That hurts."

"Now I know why dorogaya fits in so well with all of you. You are all weird." Gavriila said.
"It's an exclusive club." McGregor said.

"Well it's an excuse to bring you all over to the dark side with me and give you Gothic make-overs. This is going to be fun."

"Nah I'm good. Besides, it'd be weird to jump to protect James, you know?" Mia replied.
"Why would it be weird?" James asked.
"Cuz you're a guy and generally guys protect women." Mia said.
"Oh. Sorry?" James tried.

"I love you." (Brown)
"You do?" Gavriila asked.
"Yeah. You're my 42." Brown told her.
"And you did not even have to use a masterball." (Ha)

"You can say it, Ki-, detective. I know I made a mistake. I should've listened to you." Rogers said.
Eight years. It had taken eight years for James to hear Rogers admit that. It was not as satisfying as James had thought it might be. James was glad for that at least.
"But hey, I didn't think a 22 year old that looked so damned young could be right on something as simple as whether or not to go to the media. I should've known better with your track record and education." Rogers said.
This was getting out of hand...

"I know you made them for yesterday (McGregor made James cookies for slapping him), but, oh never mind. You know I'm giving most of these to Michael, right?" James asked.
McGregor snorted.
"I know. You've got to keep your girlish figure and all."

"It wasn't. Yeah I got all my homework done before 8PM and could spend my nights reading ahead in textbooks or just reading. But everyone who befriended my used me for homework help or passed off projects on me. No one wanted to be the one to pick me for a partner unless it was for a project that had a huge grade percentage attached then they'd trip over themselves and make me do all the work. Then there are the accusations of plagiarism, cheating, and the glares you get when you correct a teacher? Not worth it." (McGregor on being the smart kid)
"Would you give up being smart in order to be normal?" Sable asked.
"Never. Normal's over-rated." McGregor said.

"Though I'm not sure why I'm not improving." James said (about shooting)
"It's totally your eyes. Have you noticed that very few cops wear corrective lenses? There's a reason for that." McGregor said.
"I figured as much." James said.
"You could get laser eye surgery." McGregor told him.
"Well," James started.
"Then again there was this scene in "Final Destination Five" where the laser freaks the hell out and ends up making the hot chick's eye melt. When she finally gets off the table she trips on the button eye that popped out of the teddy bear she was squeezing and fell out the window. Then her other eye popped out. It was awesome though I'd never trust one of those machines." McGregor said.
"I don't like the thought of lasers penetrating my eyes." James said.
"Good reason. Why don't you wear contacts?" McGregor asked.
"Let me modify my last statement: I don't like the thought of anything going near my eyes including my own finger." James said.
"It figures you'd have ommetaphopia." McGregor said.
(It's the fear of looking people in the eye - he can still do that- or have anything going near your eye. Fun word for the day. :D )

"And I'd like to eat nothing but chocolate all the time and never gain an ounce. We don't always get what we like."

"Serial rapists are always fun."
Sable was sure McGregor's perception of fun was screwed up. Then again this was the woman watched horror movies and shows to point out what was wrong with them. It made sense that McGregor's perception of fun was off.

"Don't worry about it Michael. We can never win them all."

"You should watch "The Walking Dead." McGregor told him.
"Why?" James questioned.
"Zombies. Is there any other reason needed?" McGregor asked.

"He went to the library where my mother worked every other day for the entire time he's lived here." James said. (He is the unsub, the entire time is five years. Creepy, no?)

"I know, I know, I can't keep looking towards the past because I'll miss the future." James said.
"Oh look, I've trained you to lecture yourself." Mom said.

Friday, September 12, 2014

2014 Novel Series #8: Bloody X-Mas



Genre: Mystery/thriller

Word Count: 81,842







The World: Ours

Memorable Lines:
"Faku it's cold." Mia muttered.
"Well, winter does that." James said.

"Yeah, yeah." Mia said.


"Oh yeah?" Mia asked.
"Yes." James answered.
"How hard are we talking here?" Mia questioned.
Yeah, that wasn't good.

"Pardon?" James asked.
"We have another body."



Drag0n:D'aww course I'll ask kitten.
Brown waited for the impending nickname of doom.
Karma: Good. I'll leave you to it.
Drag0n: I called you kitten.
Karma: ???
Karma: So?
Drag0n: I thought you hated that...
Drag0n: Okay.
Karma: Get back to work, dorogaya. ;)








"Yeah but he was injured." Sable said.


"Your girlfriend wants you." Mia said.

"I was about to grab one." Mia said.

"You're not straight anyway." Brown mentioned.

"Look at me." James said.
"Huh?" McGregor asked.

"You think this is entertaining?" McGregor asked.



"All right Mr. Smartass." Mom said.
"You can cut the pie." Mom said.
"Yay, more cutting things." Lucy said.
She paused in getting up, considering.



"You cut up dead people, right?"

"So, top or bottom bunk?"
"Why would you roll out of bed?"

Friday, September 5, 2014

2014 Novel Series #7: Child

You know why I had to take a break from writing this series? IT WAS FREAKING EMOTIONAL. Seriously, every book dealt with some new horrible thing my characters had to work through and this one wasn't any different. And you know how I took a break? I put them all into a post zombie apocalyptic world and killed them all. Yeah, that's how I take mental breaks.

Anyway, this was novel 7 of the year completed on May 24th. This is also novel 9 in the series which at the time of this writing I still don't have a name for. May also marked six months I'd been working on this monster. ONWARD!

Genre: Mystery/Thriller fiction

Word Count: 65,777

Prompt: This one's actually such a bit spoiler that I can't mention it. Sorry. ;)

Main Characters: James Reeves, Mia Liu, Lucy McGregor, Michael Brown, Sable Abella, and the killer

Minor Characters of Note: Patterson Chief of police who still doesn't have a first name, James' mom.

Summation: Kids are ending up with teeth pulled out stuffed in trash cans with angel wings carved onto their backs. Each kid is a bit older and each one looks like they could be related to the ones prior

High Points: I, huh. WAIT! James calling Sable by her first name, meaning they're friends now and her calling him by his first name. I knew there was something good in this thing. Oh and Michael and Karma become more than friends. ;)

Low Points: Everything else.

The World: Ours

Memorable Lines:

"Okay. I'll complete the cycle." - The Killer

"Are you okay?" James questioned.
"Ask me that one more time and I'm sticking this pen up your ass." Mia told him.
"Um, okay. If you need any, um, feminine things," James started.
"I'm fine. Drop it." Mia broke in.
Boy Scout Detective of the Year was an understatement when he was willing to get one of his female partners' pads or tampons. More men should grow up with a single mother if they turned out like him.
"Dropping it." James said.

"I think we're dealing with two unsubs or an unsub that has multiple personalities."

"Stupid question time: you okay, Boss?" Michael ventured.

"Your mom really needs to learn time management skills or something." James said (about Mia to her cat).
Marty meowed in agreement. At least James liked to think the cat was agreeing with him. For all James knew Marty could be tossing insults at him in cat. (Ha)

"Can we not talk about boobs?" Brown questioned.
"I thought you like boobs. And hey, I like boobs so why not?" McGregor asked.

"He's spending more time looking for a victim that resembles him almost completely. It takes three days for him to be done with the victim and then he disappears. How can we catch a man with nothing?"

Death was a fact. Everything that at one point had taken breath would die when the body could no longer support it. Sometimes death wasn't the fault of the body and was the fault of outside sources. McGregor knew it was her job to determine what outside source had caused the death of 12 year old Simon Haley.
Simon Haley had died en route to hospital after being found by a young woman who had stepped off to one side so she could answer a text. That was when the woman had seen the blood, screamed, and alerted the five or so people around her to a problem. Every one of those people would have nightmares for the rest of their lives.
McGregor tried not to think about how one murder could affect so many lives in an instant. Haley's parents and younger brother were destroyed. The half dozen or so people that had seen Simon in the trash might never be able to look at a trash can or walk down that street again. The paramedics would go to sleep tonight and every night with the knowledge that they had not saved a 12 year old boy.
It was up to her to finalize the death, to figure out why he had died, and to witness how horribly he had suffered. McGregor let out a final breath, snapped her protective gear into place and approached the body of Simon Haley.

"You don't have to work so hard to impress any of us you know." Reeves said.
Sable couldn't think of what to say. He knew. It figured he would know. He had gone to school to learn how to dissect a person's brain while they were still breathing. All her knowledge of dissecting a dead person meant nothing to that kind of education.
"I, well," Sable tried.
"Lucy's all ready got you on a first name bases. That's impressive enough since it took her a year to start calling me by my first name. We bonded after she got hit by a car." Reeves said. Sable tried not to laugh but couldn't help it. Trust Lucy to bond with someone after one of them got hit by a car.
"That was during the Chopper case, right after we managed to chase down (unsub) and just before we brought him in while he tried to get a seventh victim. It took her longer to call Mia by her first name and longer still for Michael. You don't have to impress us. We all know what you're capable of and it's good things, really." Reeves said.
Sable could only nod. He gave her another grin and suddenly he was James. Sable wanted to tell him but kept her mouth shut. She was still Abella to him.
"We should head back to the station, Sable." James said.

Karma: I need your help with something.
Brown had figured that. Normally he wouldn't mind but this was potentially FBI stuff. Karma had been recruited by the FBI because he had said she was ready. If she needed his help this early in her recruitment than Brown hadn't been thinking straight.
Drag0n: FBI?
Karma: No.
That was good.
Karma: I think someone's hacking into my system.
That was bad.
Karma:: You're fast.
Drag0n: It's probably why I'm single.
Karma: Outside graphics suck, the smells are sometimes shitty, but there are a lot of interesting things out there. (I totally agree with her.)

"It's difficult, not education wise. I can handle that. It's the mental and emotional part. I had to sit there and listen to parents talking about how their dead little boy went missing last month. I can't stop thinking about how tough it was for them to tell their younger son that the older one wasn't going to come home ever again.
"Before that I had to listen to what the unsub went through as a child, how his parents abused him and how he suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder because of the abuse. The whole reason the unsub's doing what he's doing is because of his father beating him up as a kid. I don't know if I can keep hearing about all this stuff."

"Yes, yes I know. I like that you know how I feel every time you go out running late at night." (James') Mom said.
"I'm running. If anyone could catch up to me while I was running it would be a feat." James said.
"Oh please, you can't outrun bullets," Mom started.
"And I can't outrun a car. I know. But you're," James broke in.
"Older, less fit, and an easy target. You tell me that enough and I might start believing it" Mom finished. (They've obviously had this conversation before...haha)
"What don't you know?" Mom asked.
James frowned. There was a lot he didn't know. Where (unsub) was hiding was at the top of that list.
"Too much. Good night." James said.
"Don't think too hard. No one can know everything. Good night."

"You're working with James Reeves and Mia Liu to find the Tooth Fairy, right Ms. McGregor?" a reporter asked.
McGregor looked at the woman and the young, blonde, too pretty, reporter gaped before taking half a step back.
"That's Detective or Forensic Specialist McGregor. That's also Detective or Doctor James Reeves and Detective Mia Liu. Back off. I've got a dead body in a trash can to saw free." McGregor said. (This is why she has a shirt that says she doesn't play well with others ;) )

"It's going to be okay."
"I'm not so sure about that."

"Why did (unsub) take the teeth?" McGregor asked.
"(unsub) didn't take the teeth. He took the teeth." (unsub) said.
"Who's he?" McGregor questioned.
"The other one. The bad one. He suggested giving away the pain but it worked."
"So, why did he take the teeth?" McGregor asked.
"He wanted to keep them." (unsub) said.
"Why?" McGregor questioned.
"I don't know. He buried them in places around the city. A different place for every tooth in a place that could be dug up with his hands. They're in flower pots, parks, school grounds, everywhere in the city. No one will ever find them all." (unsub) said.
That was a little over 100 teeth buried throughout the city. McGregor felt a chill race down her spine but refrained from acting on it. The look in (unsub)'s eye had changed. Unsub had become him. He was grinning now. It was a grin that made McGregor wish she had more than just Raven to cuddle up with tonight. She caught Sable shiver out of the corner of her eye. This was going to give them both nightmares.
"Why?" McGregor asked.
"Because it was fun." The voice said.
"So you're the one who hurt those kids, killed two and hurt my partner?" McGregor asked.
"Yes. But I won't be in court. The new one, maybe (personality one) or (personality two) will but I won't come out." The voice said.

"I'm alive. That counts for something, right?"
"Yeah but there's a difference between being alive and living."
"Yes, well, how do you live after something like this?"
"You keep putting one foot in front of the other and remembering that despite everything you're still capable of doing a lot of good. We're all here for you."

"I know. We all did. I wish I was good at profound shit so I could help you better but I'm not." Brown said.
"It's enough that you're here, really."