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The Definitive Ranking of Midtown Bathrooms

Not all Midtown bars’ bathrooms are created equal, and it’s about time these inequalities are brought to light. While usability is obviously a huge factor in bathroom analysis, the overall quality of a bathroom is many faceted. Factors such as stall placement, smell, usual line length, and many others come into play as well. Additionally, a huge value of a good bar bathroom is its ability to host illicit activities. The ideal Midtown bathroom is one you can not only go take a quick piss in, but also one that you can drink from a flask, or do drugs in. Here are some reviews taking in all factors:

7.) Swamp’s b-room:

There’s both an upstairs and downstairs bathroom. The line downstairs generally isn’t too bad, and the nice holes in the door let you wave to everyone that walks by as you take a dump, which is a great way to make friends. The upstairs bathroom is a solo, so perfect for checking what your keys smell like. But honestly if you’re doing blow at Swamp, you should go home and reassess your life.

6.) Balls’ scary dungeon…errr bathroom:

The bathroom, much like the bar itself, is small, gross, and smells bad. There are straight up flies buzzing around this 5 x 5 hell hole. The door does close though, so grab a buddy and you got the whole place to yourself. However, there are helpful instructions above the toilets, giving this one a leg up on the competition.

5.) Salty Dog Saloon’s pisser:

Only two toilets makes this one pretty small as well. Waiting in line really isn’t the issue here though, squeezing through to the back of the bar is. Good luck getting Chad’s drunk ass to move over so much as an inch to let you by. The pros are that the walls are generally extremely entertaining to read, but there’s still plenty of room to write your roommate’s phone number with the phrase “call this number for a blowjob.” Who said comedy is dead?

4.) JJ’s and Fats have toilets too:
These will not be getting full reviews. If you’re going out here, your entire agenda is clearly to get fucked up and no other factors are relevant in your decision of choosing a bar or a bathroom.

3.) Relish’s lovely commode:

Not technically a bar, but your fat ass ends up here every time you go out, so its bathroom deserves a review. Overall kinda gross, but the line is generally short, so whatever.

2.) Midtown Social’s whiz palace:

This is the nicest bar bathroom in Midtown. Automatic sinks AND urinals! This bitch got you feeling like you’re in an airport. Additionally, with two separate guys and girls bathrooms the line is never too bad. Though the combination of short stall doors and bouncers that regularly check the bathrooms for shitheads like you make it a poor bathroom to engage in nefarious activities in.

1.) The secret bathroom:
There is one bathroom that legend speaks of. It’s apparently through one of the many doors in the back parking lot of Balls/Dog. Like the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter. It only presents itself to those in true need of it, and for that reason could not be photographed. However, if you want a hint, the owner of the restaurant is a cock sucker who pays thousands of dollars to hunt big game in Africa (it is Jimmy John’s). So go take a whiz, run up their water bill, and don’t buy any food.

Now that you know, go forth and be informed when you pee.




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