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A rule of the same percentage of male and female learners in a school shouldn't apply - it's harmful

Hidro13 2 / 4 1  
Jan 11, 2016   #1
Universities should accept equal numbers of male and female students in every subject. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

(256 words)

Many people think universities should accept equivalent amounts of male and female students in each subject. However, I do not agree with this opinion.

From applying this policy, several related problems can be identified. Unfairness should be first mentioned. Many skilled candidates might not win a place at the universities they desire just because they are out of the list which contains 50% the best students in their gender, although they could gain higher scores or have better abilities than other people of the counterpart. Secondly, this rule might double pressure on students. For instance, one university wants to enroll 2,000 fresh students: 1,000 ones in each gender so a student has to try to be one of top 1,000 instead of becoming one of top 2,000. As a result, most of them will bear a heavier burden of examination.

On the other hand, some particular subjects are suitable for a certain gender. Engineering, programming, mathematics... are more popular among male students whilst females prefer pedagogics, accounting... To evidence, according to a recent published statistic, there were 1012 male applicants and 82 females submitting applications for admission to the Electricity Department of University of Da Nang in 2015 and the number of new students that department wanted to have was 200 people. Therefore, if this university had used the policy, they would have been likely not to have enough students to educate.

In conclusion, I believe that it is not appropriate to let universities accept the same percentage of male and female learners in every subject.

jon4659 2 / 8 2  
Jan 11, 2016   #2
After reading your essay I can see the point you are trying to make however I think it would be improved if at least you considered the other side of the argument.

Here you have listed off reasons why there should not be equal numbers of male and female students in each subject and not considered why there in fact should be.

For example if you wrote:
"However, there are some benefits to having equal numbers of students, for example [Insert example here]. However although this is a good reason it still does not mean that there should be equal numbers because..."

This will demonstrate that you are capable of understanding both sides of the argument rather than just the one you agree with.
hypersis 7 / 24 7  
Jan 11, 2016   #3
FromBy applying this policy, several ...
Unfairness (I think partiality is a better word choice ) should be first mentioned.
... the list which contains 50% of the best students in (...) have better abilities than other people of the counterparttheir counterparts.

In the first paragraph, it's better to mention your reason briefly for your disagreement -- this essay is very short and need more development or u can say : However, I do not agree with this opinion for the following reasons:
OP Hidro13 2 / 4 1  
Jan 23, 2016   #4
@jon4659: Thanks very much for the review. I thought the question is "agree or disagree", so I chose one, it 's not "discuss both view and give your opinion"

@hypersis: Thank you very much. I will try to develop my essay :)
NourNour 22 / 39 7  
Jan 23, 2016   #5
I think that your introduction and your conclusion need to be more elaborated. A conclusion of one sentence is too short. In your conclusion, in addition to restating your opinion, you can mention the reasons explored in the body paragraphs of your essay.
vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Jan 23, 2016   #6
Your introduction is flawed in the sense that you do not accurately restate the prompt. You should have given some inclination as to why some people might agree or disagree with the statement first. Then, when it came to your own opinion, you should have indicated the degree of your opinion in the last sentence. These would have formed the topic discussions for your succeeding paragraphs. The formation of the sentences would have also lengthened the introduction and allow for the proper introduction of the topic statement.

Nour was right in pointing out the briefness of your conclusion. It does not properly wrap up the essay because you merely restate your opinion at the end. The conclusion always requires a summary of the discussion prior to your opinion restatement in order to form a valid conclusion.

Your personal opinion is also missing as a stand alone statement, which is required in the essay. Your opinion can never be a single sentence in the short conclusion because you are supposed to prove your sense of logic and accurately defend your opinion in English. Both of which are hugely important grading factors in the essay.

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