Open letter to the President of the IOC

Dear Mr IOC President,

I know you are a busy man, so have probably not had time to catch up with my blog. I’m sure you would get around to it as some point, but here I am, saving you a job. You are welcome.

Anyway, the thing is, a few of us are feeling like maybe you have missed a trick, and your (albeit pretty successful and enjoyable) Games could do with modernisation. We have had a few hours to think about it, so it is not ill-considered.

Your Games are flawed. They are elitist, discriminatory, and not fit for a 21st century society where competition is eschewed and everybody gets to win something. So we demand to be included. Every chip-eating, beer-swigging, glasses-wearing, rheumatic, asthmatic one of us. Those who can’t run, or swim, or jump high or long; those who would suffer vertigo astride a horse, seasickness in a rowing boat, or need stabilisers for their bicycle.

To be helpful, we have come up with a list of events. Please read all the brilliant suggestions in the comments to my previous post. When you prepare for the 21OG (see, I have even given you a catchy new name) these bloggers will be your ‘go to’ people for technical advice and expert knowledge. I would strongly suggest you reward them generously. Again, you are welcome.

As I write this, I am also thinking of current Olympic events which could be made a little more relevant to our world. My further suggestions for regular folk are:

Fencing. I have a couple of ideas here. Either landscape gardeners or everyday builders putting up a garden perimeter. Or, slightly less admirable, the competitive selling of ill-gotten gains. I know this should go against the Olympic spirit, but then again, so does drug taking, right?

Boxing. Putting stuff in boxes. The most stuff, in the least amount of boxes. Timed.

3 day event. Partying big-time, starting Friday, ending Sunday. In the UK I would suggest you look to the county of Essex for expertise. They are pretty good at this.

Jimnastics. Open to anyone called Jim. To do whatever they want.

Judo. Teenager speak. Like “innit doh”. “D’you, doh?” Whole load of teenagers speaking in a language adults cannot comprehend. The least understood wins the medal. Delicious irony. Maybe an iron medal?

Swimming. Against the tide. Specifically, going the wrong way around in IKEA. Fitness, courage and a tough skin required for this one.

Sailing. AKA Sale-ing. Bargain hunters, boot-sale fans, this is your moment. Purchase for your country!

(Re)cycling. Saving the planet, one bit of rubbish at a time. It’s important, so include it somehow.

Wait-lifting. All those times we are hanging around, for someone to finish what they are doing. Give us a medal to lift the boredom a bit.

Row-ing. For gardeners and allotment holders. Sowing lovely neat rows of seeds or plants… Or, OCD sufferers? Lots of tins and cans arranged front and centre, nice and orderly…

Archery. Ability to consume large volumes of peach schnapps… See earlier Essex reference.

Squash. Speed consumption of sugary diluted drinks.

There will be more, I’m sure, but this is something to get you started. I am currently employed but willing to consider a move to act as advisor should you offer attractive terms. I think you need me.