Horror Movies: Reconsidered


But first, some disclaimers:

  1. These are jokes. I poke fun because I love. Or because things are stupid and worthy of derision.5 It is 50/50, to be honest. Anyway, the point is, don’t freak out. It’s just jokes yo.
  2. Seriously, chill out and laugh more.
  3. Despite what I am about to write, I do like most of these movies. Some of them I like a whole lot.


Michael Myers and Halloween


Okay, look. Halloween is one of my all-time favorite movies. I love this thing. More importantly, I respect this movie, and everyone involved in making it. That said, how the fuck does Michael Myers know how to drive? I mean, seriously. He’s been in a goddamn mental institution staring at the wall and being evil since he was, like, eight. That’s fifteen years. Now, I have not been in a mental institution, but I somehow doubt they offer driving lessons in between group therapy and pill time. Yet, somehow, this personification of evil is competent enough to steal a car, drive it to his hometown, and then around the town square. I can almost buy that he knows the way home, but then again, no. I don’t. I’m not convinced he can read, let alone remember directions. Another thing: how does this asthmatic fuck catch anyone? Standing still he sounds like he’s about to die from oxygen deprivation. He doesn’t run because he can’t. If he did, he’d probably have a fucking heart attack and die. Forget a butcher knife; get this guy a fucking inhaler. Also, Sam Loomis is the worst doctor of all time. Just awful, incredible incompetence. It’s almost impressive how bad he is at everything. He follows Michael home, then does absolutely nothing to try and track him down. Instead, he decides: “I’m just going to chill out at this abandoned, decaying house that he used to live in and just hope for the best.” Then, like a million hours later, he looks about thirty feet to his left and sees the stolen car. That Michael had been driving, and at one point literally drove past Loomis. He had to come back and park it there at some point, right? Was Loomis on break when Michael did? I honestly wonder how Loomis is able to function without constant care, let alone how he became a goddamn doctor responsible for treating others. It truly boggles the mind.

Jason and Friday the 13th


So, question. How, pray tell, does the scrawniest, weakest, can’t even fucking swim for Christ’s sake chump ass of a kid turn into an NFL-sized killing machine?6 I really want to know. Is there drug testing in slasher movies? Is it like Pride Fighting or pro wrestling where there is, ahem, “drug testing,” yet miraculously everyone is the size of an industrial refrigerator? There is no way, no possible fucking way that Jason Voorhees7 is not juicy as fuck. “Growth spurt,” my ass. In the next reboot he’s going to be played by Brock goddamn Lesnar, and everyone will just be like “Yes, this seems normal.” Also, why is everyone within 10,000 miles of Camp Crystal Lake dumber than dogshit? Like, okay, I am willing to suspend disbelief and admit that a group of horned-up camp counselors would be more interested in getting their 1950s freak on instead of doing, you know, their jobs. But is murdering them really a fair response? I mean, can’t you just yell at them? Call their parents? Get them fired and cancelled on the Twitter? I’m just saying that there are other ways. But what about the people that live out there that know about these murders and yet still inexplicably allow people to go to the camp? Just burn the goddamn place down. Like, two movies in and there is no other response to be had. Light it on fire like it’s a joint and you’re an annoying white guy with dreadlocks at a party who keeps requesting Sublime songs while claiming to be a Rasta. Then again, this franchise did offer up the greatest line in movie history: “It’s okay, guys, he just wanted his machete back.” For that, I am willing to forgive a lot. But, seriously, can we get Jason in the USADA pool?

Pennywise and It


I remember being on vacation as a kid. Upon getting to the hotel, I turned on the TV. This was about a hundred years ago, so the TV didn’t have a remote.8 Instead, it was one of the old ones with a knob, antenna, and four channels – one of which did not work. Anyway, I turned it on and what did I see? A goddamn black and white rerun of Bozo the fucking Clown.9 I am not afraid of clowns, but it was weird and off-putting.

So, I get it when people are terrified of them. They are weird, and like other circus folks are not to be trusted. Add in cosmic powers and the desire to murder and eat children, and I see why Pennywise is effective. But let’s really think about this. The fucking guy got absolutely owned by a bunch of pubescent losers. That is basically the opposite of terrifying. If I were to say to you “Yeah, I know this dude who got his shit absolutely kicked in, just got fucking 100% owned by a bunch of chump ass, fully bullied 12-year old kids,” what would your response be? I’m going to go out on a limb and say you wouldn’t be able to form a coherent sentence, because you would be busy choking to death from laughter. Whatever your reaction, I can guaran-goddamn-tee it would not be fear, or even fear adjacent. Rodeo clowns are tougher than Pennywise. Rodeo clowns are chased by angry bulls and use clever tricks to get away. Pennywise got his shit rocked with a bat by the kid from fucking Stranger Things. The prosecution rests, Your Honor. No further questions.

Every haunted house movie ever

Just move, you absolute fucking morons. Just goddamn leave. What? Is the ghost going to use its frequent flier miles to follow you? Spoiler alert: no, it isn’t. Because ghosts don’t have frequent flier miles.10 Also, ghosts, get some new tricks, alright? Rearranging furniture isn’t scary. It is inconvenient at the absolute worst. It is equally likely that you have done the homeowners a favor.

The Babadook


I have actually never even seen this movie. I am mostly curious how, according to the Twitter, the Babadook became a gay icon. This isn’t even a joke. I’ve actually seen people say that earnestly and am genuinely curious. I think it’s cool, if a bit strange. The internet said it was a meme that got out of control and became serious? Shit is wild. Anyway, moving right along.

Actually, no. That is all. I am out of moderately funny things to say. I hope you have enjoyed this piece, and also maybe learned something. Like movies can be fun, but if you think about them too hard you will ruin that fun sometimes. And also that Pennywise is a punk ass bitch, and I wish he would try some shit with his bad hair, bad skin, no fashion sense having ass. Thanks for reading.

1 By “us” I mean me – Ted. The tall one with bad opinions.
2 Check out our October “Goes to the Movies” podcast on John Carpenter’s The Thing and our new watch along for John Carpenter’s Halloween available wherever you get your podcasts, and also from some places you don’t, probably.
3 This is the nicer way of saying “really stupid shit that doesn’t hold up for more than five seconds of scrutiny”.
4 Again, Ted. The one that isn’t David.
5 I am, as always, looking at you, Suicide Squad. It’s not a horror movie; it’s just bad and I hate it.
6 The first one of you that says “plot” is getting a stern talking to on the Twitter
7 Fun, shinfo fact – in Friday the 13 th : The Final Chapter, Jason was played by a guy who shares my name. Less fun fact – this film was not, in fact, the final chapter in the saga.
8 Or a wide, flat screen, even. It also probably weighed, like, 80 pounds. Basically, back in my day, we lived like fucking pilgrims and liked it.
9 I may have taken some artistic liberties, as I am fairly certain than his middle name was not “the fucking.”
10 Also, there is literally no way a ghost is getting through airport security. You can’t even take shampoo on a plane, and this ectoplasmic motherfucker is getting into seat 3C? Nah, no, no way, try again.

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