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Geek Jokes | Part 3

The best first: Somebody stole all my lamps. I’m delighted.
I sniffed some Coke when I was a teenager, just to see what it’s like, but the bubbles were just too unpleasant in my nose.

The stationary shop moved. It really surprised me.
A phone rings in the HR department: “Hello, this is AE Realty, I’m checking a reference on John Doodleby. How long has he been working in your company?”
“Doodleby, yes. All in all, about three months.”
“Well that’s interesting! He says in his CV he worked for you for 2 years!”
“Ah, that’s how long he’s been employed here. I thought you wanted to know how long he’s been working?”
My very good friend gave me his epi-pen as he lay dying on the street. I will treasure it till the end of my days, he seemed very insistent when giving it to me…
Hillary Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, she invites the children to ask her some questions.

Kevin raises his hand and says, “I have three questions, Mrs. Clinton.

1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lust?

2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?

3. How do you defend the list of controversial contributors to the Clinton Foundation?

Suddenly the bell rings for break and the children run about their business. After the break they come back and the Q and A period resumes. Joel raises his hand and says, “I have five questions, Mrs. Clinton.

1. Did you intimidate the victims of your husband’s lust?

2. What really went on with the Benghazi attack?


4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes earlier?

5. Where is Kevin?
Personal financial situation: Just finished rinsing a few paper cups.
 Facebook is much like a fridge. You visit every 10 minutes, even though you know there’s nothing worth in there.
Why does Voldemort have such a flat nose?
He took the wrong platform to Hogwarts in his first year.
A verb, a preposition, an article, and a noun walk into a bar.
I have to bring this book about electrons back to the library. If I don’t, there might be a charge.
Which US state has rounded ends and is high in the middle?
Ah, when it comes to cliffhanger endings, I always say,
Q: How many software specialists are needed to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Not a single one. It’s a hardware issue.
Chuck Norris can talk about the Fight Club.
You can’t beat Scottish summer.

Best Wednesday afternoon you’ll ever experience.
What did one orphan say to another?
“Oh just go get the Batmobile, will you Robin.”
What did one DNA ask another DNA?
Do you think these genes make my bum look fat?
What does a dyslexic insomniac confused about religion do?
He lies wide awake at night staring at the ceiling, trying to figure out if there’s a dog.
I’m a superb multitasker. I’ve no problem wasting time, money and life’s opportunities all at the same time!
An optician is training a new shop assistant and gives him the rules. “It’s all about proper behavior, proper way of speaking, Joe.

Putting in the right pauses in your speech is crucial, too. For instance, the customer enquires about a pair of glasses. You say ‘It’s fifty dollars’ and you make a pause.

 If the customer looks OK, you continue, ‘for the rims. The lenses are ten dollars” and if the customer still looks fine, you continue, ‘each.’”
Legalize mrahi…. Legalize marrrhi…. Legalize pot!
 America: If your country has oil, it badly needs peace and freedom.
I find it so pretentious when students of engineering call themselves engineers…

It’s not like medical students walk around calling themselves doctors or liberal arts students referring to themselves as unemployed, is it?
Can you be stood up by a guy in a wheel chair?
Unsuspecting, I opened the door for a feminist. The court hearing is scheduled for next Monday.
Who the hell is Rorschach and why did he paint so many pictures of my mother?!
Dyslexia killed a vampire hunter one sad night when he attacked a vampire with a steak.
 How can you get a really good dinner for just one dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.
Q: Benedict Cumberbatch has a long one. Brad Pitt has a short one. Rihanna hasn’t got one at all. What is it?

A: A surname.
So when did you start working for this company?
The moment they told me I have to pick up my performance or I’m history.
 Geek Joke Diameter

What does your ex and slinky have in common? It’s nice to watch either fall down the stairs.
 “But other than that, Mrs Lincoln, did you like the play?”
So, I don’t know what ‘apocalypse’ mean – what’s the big deal? It’s not the end of the world.
 They once did a Survivor episode with a bunch of people and Chuck Norris being dropped off on a deserted island. There were no survivors and nobody’s had the guts yet to go there and pick up the filmed material.
I’m a pro at sleeping. I could do it with my eyes closed.

Apple just posted on their Facebook page that their store got robbed. They’re looking for iWitnesses.
Thesaurus – a place to find a clever-sounding replacement for a word people would otherwise actually understand.

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Best Geek Jokes


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