

A Peek Into Our Hectic, Crazy & Loving Family of Eleven


Thursday, June 3, 2010

CIO (Crying It Out)



Tonight, my son Noah, says to me:

Me: "What? Why not? It's only Thursday"
Noah: "Ok"







  • CIO teaches a baby to not trust his caretakers.

  • CIO leaves a baby to feel hopeless and insecure.





Dangers Of CIO

Sleep Training

CIO Causes Brain Damage

Dr. Ezzo & Failure To Thrive

Confessions Of A Failed Babywiser

CIO Dangers


  1. I let my triplets CIO at 4 months (actual) of age. They're not retarded. They're not dead. They trust me. And while I didn't have older kids to be built in babysitters, *I* got to STTN for the first time in months b/c my children learned how to be independant self soothers. Oh, and they're all thriving two year olds now. So yeah... do what you feel comfortable with as a mother, but don't think being a judgemental bitch is going to get you closer to Godliness. Not all the literture you read as one-sided as the list you provided are going to be non-biased.

  2. Have you read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child? It's very research-based and might bring some balance to your study of sleep training and CIO as you struggle to balance the needs of your kids. Good luck!

  3. Wow. Mandie, feel guilty much? Last time I checked, this was MY blog. I write what I want to write. It's your choice as to whether or not you read it. And since this is MY blog, I write what I want, when I want and HOW I want. As for thinking that I'm trying to get Godly, you obviously don't read my blog regularly, or you would see how I am laughing at that statement right now. This post was a personal story about why I don't CIO and the reasons why and how I came to that decision.I never said you had to do it or like it. So, normally I'm not a snarky person, but being called a judgemental bitch, on my own blog that you CHOOSE to read, gives me that right. As for your triplets, I feel sorry that they had to lay up in their crib at night and wonder where their Mommy went and if she might ever come back. Maybe it's time to get over your guilt and not blog surf about CIO. Especially if you feel so strongly that it's ok.

  4. @ Mandie - You sound like the judgmental and bitchy one. Usually when people get THAT defensive it's because they are guilty and wrong. Do your research, CIO and babywise have KILLED children. Why one EARTH should we expect a baby to self soothe when most adults can't even do that? I don't believe anyone just came on YOUR blog and call YOU a bitch for CIO, did they? No. You can disagree all you want, but you don't have to be such a horrid bitch about it.

  5. Wow. Nicole, I am so sorry that somebody would come to your blog and name-call. Disagreement is one thing, getting nasty and personal to defend your own choices is another all together. Your children are lucky to have responsive, loving parents who put their own needs on the back burner to take care of those who cannot meet their own needs...because if there is one thing I will never understand, it's why on earth we expect the most vulnerable, least able-bodied, most dependent beings in the house to suck it up and take care of themselves. Sad. So again, lucky babies, loving parents...hard for now, but the payback will be worth it. <3 Thanks for sharing, as always.

  6. I, too, struggled with whether or not to use CIO. My heart said no, but when it came down to the nights when I had barely slept for weeks and I couldn't be a good and loving parent during the day, I sometimes let them cry. I didn't like it, but I am quite sure that they aren't permanently damaged.

    I did want to take issue with one of your claims, though. Despite the arguments about mental affects of CIO, which are hard to "prove", NO babies have died from CIO. You say, "CIO can lead to a baby being Failure To Thrive (Dr. Ezzo anyone?, For the record, Dr. Ezzo wrote a book, Babywise. In it he condone CIO for tiny babies. Babies have DIED, thanks to his methods)" Failure to thrive is a general diagnosis, but one that factors in weight and growth. Babies who died from FTT because of using Babywise methods died from malnutrition, because their parents weren't feeding frequently enough by following a strict schedule. It didn't have a darn thing to do with CIO. Just saying.

  7. And Mandie, FWIW, my older children are not 'built in babysitters'. They help with their sisters because they love them and don't want to see or hear them CIO. I can only hope that they will do the same with their children. Children learn what they see/hear. My children are learning to be loving caring individuals. And, Aaron is MY HUSBAND. He holds the babies at night. Even if they cry. It's what we do. It's called PARENTING. Yes, even at night. It's a 24/7 job. It doesn't stop because the Mommy and Daddy need sleep.

  8. Nicole, your blog entry is beautiful, heartfelt and simply amazing. I admire you sooooo much!

    Mandie, I'm sorry you let your tiny babies cry. You cannot possibly tell the long-lasting effects of CIO after only two years. That's like saying about your 6 month old, "he's been on formula and he's 'just fine'".

    Also, 'Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child' encourages mothers to let their babies cry until they vomit, to clean up the vomit, tuck the baby back in and leave again. Is this really the type of book you want to promote?

  9. @ Sara. You are correct, but Dr. Ezzo, combined with his strict method, feeding, sleeping and CIO, I believe contibuted to it all around. IMO kind of goes hand in hand.

  10. Nope, no CIO here either. I honestly feel bad for Mandie. I can't believe she called you that on your blog when you weren't even making judgments, but sharing your experiences and educating! Wow. Sorry Nicole! (((hugs)))

  11. Nicole, I love love love how you are so brutally honest about your concerns and your temptations. I also agree that CIO will not work, and in the off chance that it does, at what cost?

    Have you considered separating them, or trying others methods (and caregivers) to get them to sleep such as rocking?

    Best wishes and I hope things get better!

  12. Mandie Don't go looking at peoples blogs if you are going just call them a judgemental b****. And yeah that person your are calling a judgemental b**** just happens to be my mom. And really I just want to know how she was being one anyways? She is just giving her opinion. I'm glad she does what she does. And my sister's are happy babies.
    -Juliette, Nicole's daughter

  13. @ Sara I happen to have a very good friend whose baby died the first and only time she let him CIO. He was 4 months old. She put him to bed and let him cry himself to sleep, in the morning when her husband went in to get him up he was dead. She did it out of pure exhaustion that all moms face. I can't even begin to describe the guilt she feels.

    @ Mandie there is a tactful way to disagree with someone. Name calling on her own blog is a bit below the belt. This is how Nicole chooses to parent. I personally have known each of her 9 from the time they were born and they are all very loving, caring, thriving children so she's doing something right.

    @ Nicole you may not believe me but really truly both of my girls slept 6-8 hrs straight at night from the time they were 3 weeks old (both EBF and no CIO) and the younger of them was sleeping 10-12 hrs straight with out getting up to BF from 3 months on. My boys are a different story all together though. I'm still lucky to get a 4-5hr stretch with D.

  14. @htimm: That's a very sad story. I would be interested to know what the doctors attributed the baby's death to (and why millions of other babies who CIO at a similar age remain perfectly healthy).

    Also, JQ: Hmm ... have you actually read HSHHC? I have read it and yes, I am very comfortable promoting it. I think you're a bit confused about what the author "encourages" ... which is healthy sleep habits, backed up by years of research. He leaves the question of whether to use a more AP style, "check and console" or "extinction" up to the parent. I started following his tips for putting babies down drowsy but awake at 7 weeks for naps, and my LOs instantly started napping MUCH better, with zero crying whatsoever. As for nighttime sleep, in my case, all the "extinction" it took was letting one baby cry for 20 minutes at 2 a.m. One night. The other twin, no crying at all. And they've been sleeping through the night since about 18 weeks. Even if you're just cleaning up one baby's blowout while the other cries, there are times when one multiple has to cry about that long so I doubt my baby is damaged from that one night; rather, they are very well-rested toddlers now. I think it's great for each mom to do the research and decide what she's comfortable with, but I hate to see moms base their decisions on one-sided research or a misunderstanding of what certain approaches actually involve.

  15. I grew up in an AP household before AP was probably even a term. I was breast fed until I was 2, cloth diapered, and never had to CIO. My mom stayed home with my brother and I until we started school. I grew up in advanced and honors programs in school (as did my brother) and have a very very tight bond to my parents.

    My sister's daughter (my niece) was born in the time when doctors made no fuss if you wanted to use formula (my sister's gyno actually RECOMMENDED it over breast milk), and CIO was very commonly recommended, as was sleep training. My niece has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) which is a disorder that makes it hard for her to interact socially (look it up if you want more info). The CIO is the only thing we can think of that would have ever made her feel abandoned, because she was certainly never neglected or any of the other common causes.

    Those are my personal experiences...

    I can't imagine letting anyone's child, let alone my future children, cry for 20 minutes and thinking that it is OK. Children cry for a reason, and if you choose to ignore it for your own sake, then maybe you should reconsider your priorities.

  16. Mrs. Oliver: You might want to read HSHHC, as well, so you can understand why some loving, responsible, informed parents might make choices that you would not make. Healthy sleep habits benefit *the child* (hence the title of the book ;)). I can understand taking a different approach if that is what you feel is best, but as I said earlier, it might behoove you to try to understand *why* other people do things differently and read the research on both sides rather than making judgmental statements based on ignorant assumptions.
    Also, yes, children cry for a reason; sometimes the reason is because they are overtired and need to wind down. And some kids actually get *more* wound up and start crying more and take longer to fall asleep if the parent goes back in and tries to soothe them (too much stimulation when what they really need is sleep). I know a number of parents who have found that to be the case for their kids. Parenting is not one size fits all.

  17. Mrs.Oliver: I'm also curious what you would do if you were just starting to change one baby's blowout when your other newborn unexpectedly woke up and started crying. You would leave a poop-covered baby on the changing table to go soothe the other one? Because heaven forbid that one baby should cry for a few minutes while his or her twin gets the poop scrubbed off their body, soiled clothes put somewhere safe, and clean diaper and clothes put on them. Situations like that are a frequent occurrence for mothers of multiples, and that is about the length of time that one of my babies cried, ONE night, and the result was that my *babies* (not just me) are getting the rest they need because paying attention to their drowsy cues and helping them understand when it's time to sleep and not play created wonderful sleep habits. If they wake up sick, hurt, scared, etc., we do go to them and soothe them and make sure they're OK.

    ... Ah, just noticed you said your "future" children. That explains a lot.

  18. Just because I don't have children yet doesn't mean I can't have an opinion. I have three nephews and a niece I have helped raise since birth. I was not personally attacking you, I was just giving my opinion on the subject. I have done a TON of research because my husband and are going to start trying soon and I have read both sides of the story.

  19. And I said nothing about your twins, or you situation, or to put you down. So why put me down? I just shared a personal story as to why I am against CIO. Just because my beliefs don't align with yours doesn't mean you have to be rude.

  20. I am knew to this blog (thanks January) and let me first, twins, CIO. I still have the week firmly in my memory, and wish that I knew then what I know now. What I know now, is that when it hurt me that they were crying it was my instinct telling me that it wasn't time for them to fall asleep on their own. Fast forward 8 years and my 16 month has just started to fall asleep without my arms around her, I sit in the room with her while she falls asleep. While I had moments, and attempts (short attempts) with CIO when it hurt this time and didn't feel right I listened. If listening to your child scream and cry for you feels right then go with it. Personally I feel that there is a time and a place for everything and the child will help you know when that is, and unfortunately the baby doesn't care how tired you are if it's not time it's not time.

  21. Everyone also needs to remember here, that there is a vast difference between CIO and fussing. BIG DIFFERENCE. My 2YO was a horrible sleeper also. When she was about a year old, we did let her "fuss it out". She never full on screamed and cried and got upset, rather she kind of 'bitched and moaned' I like to say. lol. She was also a yeaer old. Able to move around, and make herself comfortable. To grab a snuggly, find her thumb or curl into a ball if she needed. At 6 months, my babies can do nothing to help themselves get to sleep. They can only lay there and stare at the ceiling. They cant roll, or cuddle up or anything. Maybe, once they are a bit more mobile and self-sufficient (rolling, grabbing, sitting) I will feel more comfortable letting them 'bitch and moan'.

  22. I'm also new to this blog, and won't get into the CIO debate here (although I do not CIO and will not use that method with any of my kids), but I just wanted to say hi to another mom of a lot of kids! I am pregnant with my third set of twins, bringing us up to 7 kids when they are born in the fall. It's good to see another mom with similar values to mine with a whole passel of kids, and especially multiples. I'll be adding your blog to my list!

  23. I didn't put you down and I honestly don't think I was "rude." I had just said something about how our CIO involved letting one of my babies cry for 20 minutes one night, so when you then responded that you couldn't imagine letting your future children cry for 20 minutes, I assumed you were referring to my post.
    And sure, you can have opinions. Pretty much every parent I know has thrown at least some of those pre-parenting opinions out the window once they had their own kids however. Even me. ;)
    Nicole: I get what you're saying, and I respect what you're doing. I'm impressed you can pull that off with triplets, but more power to you! I do think any strongly-worded post on CIO is going to provoke a strong reaction, but if this works for you, sweet! (FWIW, one of my 6-month-olds did start sucking his thumb at that age, so he was able to do a little self-soothing.) I also agree about the difference between crying and fussing. A friend of mine refers to it as "baby bitching." :)

  24. wow. people have some STRONG opinions about sleep. Mine? I love that you are so concerned about all your kids, that you are constantly thinking about all of them. Nursing them to sleep, comforting them when needed and (oh my!) breastfeeding all of them. You make an effort that most would just... well... not even try. It shows how good of a mom you are. Vent it out! Keep on writing it. This IS your blog.

    Mrs. Oliver. When I had no babies I used to get so upset when people would tell me "but you don't have children so you can't possible know". Now I have my precious daughter and guess what? I'm still the same, and I knew it all along. Trust your instincts! Tell everyone else to go sing the Elmo song. Peace and God's blessings!

    What a beautiful day, He loves us all.

  25. Just sayin...think some people just CIO all over this blog! :-)
    Nicole..you are a good momma! Thinks will happen in time. One.baby.at.a.time.
    Sorry times are hard for the olders. Wish I could help!

  26. Thanks to January I have just come across your blog - WOW you are so wonderful Nicole! I love and appreciate your honesty, my god I am speechless!

    COI is NEVER the solution - babies do not learn, they simply give up aka "the defeat response" (Neurobiologist Bruce Perry). Think of how we as adults would feel if we were upset and our loved ones simply ignored us and left us alone to cry in a dark room? Why would we expect babies to do the same?

    Nicole - I think you are INCREDIBLE, did you hear me? INCRDIBLE!! Your children are so blessed to have you as their mama (they chose you remember!). They will grow up knowing they are loved and although it is hard right now, it will so be worth all of your hard efforts down the track.

    @Amy - a sling would have worked well in your situation, your child needed to be held and a sling gives you extra hands to clean up poop and change the nappies of the other child (I am sure you are aware of this).

    Babies cry for a reason, they are not trying to trick you, ruin your evening or pull a fast one on you - they simply rely on their mama to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Listen to your baby and your heart - not your head even when sleep deprived.

    When I come from LOVE and EMPATHY it makes such a difference when dealing with my 19mo daughter - my mantra "Come From LOVE, Think EMPATHY"... repeat!

    I am sad and disappointed for Mandie - how sad that you are so consumed with guilt that you feel the need to use such horrible words on another mother, shame on you. I only wish that you could learn and grow from your experience instead of making others feel so terrible as a means to vailidate what you did...

    Nicole I wished I lived closer to give you a hand (or 2!), keep up the great work and I look forward to future posts!

    Love Jenn
    Perth, Australia

  27. First of all momma, you've been an amazing mom for 18 years to me, I love how you parent me and how I see you parent all the little ones. I always get told that your the coolest mom, even when I'm in trouble for something.

    Second, for anyone who agrees with CIO, and actual crying, not fussing... I'm not sure how you can actually believe that it will help them sleep or help sooth them at all. As an adult, when you're upset and crying, don't you want someone to comfort you? It's near impossible to fall asleep while your upset and in tears, and if you do; it's from the exhaustion of crying and being upset, not because you're helping yourself get to sleep. It's human nature to want to be held, loved and comforted in times of hurt. A baby isn't going to feel any of those if you let them CIO, they ARE going to be upset and wonder where their mommy went when all they want is to be loved, snuggled, and comforted. Next time you're upset, maybe your hubby/boyfriend/children/friends should just completely ignore you, tell YOU to CIO and go to sleep. Then see how you feel in the morning. You won't feel better, you're sleep won't be as good and you will still feel drained that is obviously not good for you, you can voice that and babies obviously can't. They are dependent on their mothers and if they don't feel that they are coming back, they give up. Yes, GIVE UP, should anyone have to give up in their life? No. Not with anything.... Just sayin'.

    Third, having an opinion doesn't make you a judgmental bitch. It doesn't make you anything but someone who can and will speak their mind.

    Fourth, I love you momma. Keep being such a wonderful mom, the girls are going to appreciate it when they become an adult like me(:

  28. Mrs. Oliver, I think it's lovely that you have taken time and care to learn about attachment parenting before having children. I absolutely MORE women should learn about breastfeeding and loving babies before becoming a parent. Stick with your convictions.....yes, some things will change when you are a mother, but the true values and morals, like not allowing a baby to cry, will stay with you.

  29. Nicole, there will always be people who disagree with you and express it in horrible ways. DONT LET THEM GET TO YOU. Youre awesome, I love reading every word you have to say. I guess it doesnt help that I agree with everything you have to say...but my point is, keep being you. Keep up the good work.

  30. Jenn: Slings do definitely come in handy when trying to keep a little one soothed! What I'm talking about though is a situation where one baby is sound asleep in his crib or wherever, or happy lying on his play mat, etc., I would start cleaning up the other baby's blowout, and then the first baby would unexpectedly start crying. If you're up to your elbows in poop, with a naked, poop-covered baby wriggling on the changing table, you can't really push the pause button, stop to go get the other baby and put him in a sling, and then resume the cleanup job. ;) That's just one example of a situation where a MoM might end up having to let one newborn cry while attending to the other. I guess I could have just worn both 24/7 to avoid that possibility but that doesn't work for most moms (or their backs ;)).

  31. I have never willingly let a baby cry it out. However, there have been times with a few on mine that they were fussing while mom was changing an older todler, using the rest room or taking a shower for the first time in 3 days when they woke up early from a nap and fussed for a few minutes until I got to them. I'm human.

    However, my babies are held until they are in a deep sleep, then put into bed sleeping until they can self sooth. Some of mine have been able to fell asleep on their own from 12 months or so, some earlier, some later. My 14 month old co sleeps, as a majority of my babies have. She falls asleep nursing or in Daddy's arms when I am at work and then is put to bed. She usually sleeps through the night, defines as at least 5 hours straight. Most nights it is closer to 8 or 9 hours. I get home from work at midnight, Rosalie is usually asleep at 9:30 or 10 pm. She gets up around 6 to nurse for the first time.

  32. Hey Nicole,
    I've enjoyed reading your blog especially about how you got your triplets to breastfeed. Go you!


    My 3 EBF babies all started and continued doing 10 hour stretches at night at around 12 weeks. No CIO involved. I do a lot of what Kellymom.com suggests here http://www.kellymom.com/bf/weaning/weaning-night.html. Obviously some of that doesn't apply to young babies.
    I've often wondered why my babies are such good sleepers when other EBF babies are not. Maybe they just genetically like sleep as much as their mama. Maybe I make really filling milk (I donate to a friend who says her baby sleeps much better after a bottle of my milk). Maybe it is b/c they sleep in another room (I think co-sleeping is great! It just doesn't work for us).

    Anyway, all that to say, I've always thought it was very discouraging to a new mom considering the options to tell them that if they choose BFing that their baby won't sleep through the night for a year or more.

    Good luck with your growing family! I have a hard enough time balancing the needs and desires of my 3 small boys, I'm in awe of anyone that can juggle as many as you have!
    H Pitts

  33. Yikes! I didn't even think about how discouraging that statement might be! Crappola! Well, my blog today will be about Breastfeeding so I'll be sure too address that. I guess, in my mind, I would BF no matter what. I'll be sure to make a point of that this time. Thank you for pointing that out to me!

  34. I know that people who like schedules, CIO and Babywise often do very well on Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution book. Its also recommended by several breastfeeding groups as one of the few books that does Not sabotage the breastfeeding relationship. Its not "AP" enough for me, but it does have some good ideas.

  35. oh, I also know that it is important to have long chain and medium chain fatty acids in your breastmilk - the more of those you have, the more "sleep inducers" you make. If you are not taking fish oil omega 3 pills, I would recommend those too.

    Also, weight, not age is the determining factor of sleeping long hours. Most babies need to weigh 11 pounds before they can sleep 5 hours. The more they weigh, the more sleep they get. I would imagine that it will take triplets a lot longer to reach 11 pounds.

    Hang in there - this is just few months - it won't last forever!

  36. I did not know that. Good info! They aren't even 11# yet. And they are 6.5 months old. lol.
    Off to get some Omega 3's too :)

  37. Madeleine, I loved your most recent comments in support of your mother. I've always thought CIO was just plain rude. If an adult friend of mine was upset, I totally can't imagine just closing the door, walking out, and saying "work it out". And that's with an adult, who is totally able to reason and has much more advanced thought processes. Why would you put that responsibility on a child?

    Anyhu, just wanted to jump in and say that Nicole, you have a smart lady for an 18 year old=) And your triplets are blessed to have a momma who thinks so much about how things will affect them.

    Keep blogging, keep writing your opinion . . this is YOUR space to express. Go on, girl!

  38. This comment has been removed by the author.

  39. This is a your blog, and you have a right to express your opinions. However, this blog is public. If you can't handle the responses of your readers, then maybe you should make it private.

  40. I never said I couldn't handle a readers response. Not once. I was adressing her response, but never said I couldn't handle it. But I think that a reader being diragatory is not necessary.

    Maybe I should make it private.

  41. Nicole, if you're getting crappy responses, make all comments to only be approved by you. That will keep you from getting stressed. You do not need more stress. Love ya.

  42. I'm just dropping by, I haven't posted but found you a few weeks back. I have four kids 13, 10 , and twin 8 year olds (they were almost triplets but I miscarried early on and was still able to have the twins). Anyway, I saw this come up in my dashboard and had to read. I've done daycare for about 8 years since I found out pregnant with twins and the miscarry. I recently went back to work but not the point... Anyway during these years, I've had so many different types of babies, parents, everything... My oldest she slept through the night when she came home from the hospital but she was sick when she was born and in the hospital for 10 days. I tell ya she scared me as a baby because she wouldn't cry, she throw out this little tiny whimper but then she started teething at 4 months and wow did that scare the heck out of me. I seriously thought something was horribly wrong, she was screaming and I didn't know what to do with that. Then I had my 2nd and oh wow did I learn sleep was not for mothers very fast. That kid wanted to be fed every hour, I'm telling ya, it was a change. And then of course the twins came and same thing but not every hour for each, it rotated hourly. I would say all of my kids learned to sleep in four hour increments by 6 months (well the oldest, she did more like 6-8 since we brought her home so she doesn't count in that scenario. lol) Now for the daycare kids, didn't have them at night but their parents were all different in what type of sleeping patterns they wanted. Some said just lay them down and they would sleep (only one out of the many actually did that). Then there was ones that insisted that I hold their babies till they fell asleep. I didn't believe in this. I would feed them and then lay them down but if they were crying for more than a minute or really crying from the start I'd pick them up and rock for a bit and try again. I will totally admit that a few I would feed to sleep because I would get tired of fighting what they wanted to do. Sorry for such a long post but just wanted to let you know that you are definitely not alone on this.