I had an eating disorder

*I no longer have an ED*

Back in the day when I was about 13/14 years old, I was suffering with an eating disorder; anorexia. Although I'm not sure if I would say that, that is what I had... Back then, I didn't really know or understand ED's or anything like that. My would Dad would sometimes hug me and state how skinny and bony I was. Looking back on it now, I realise I was very skinny, I think I was just under 7 stone. I would always think that I wasn't ill, my Dad was wrong and that is just how I was built.

Looking back on it now, I realise how ill I was. I'm not really concerned with my physical state but more rather my mental state, my attitude and relationship with food; I hated food. I would feel nauseous just thinking about eating.

If I was home alone all day, I would happily not eat at all. I would put bread or scatter crumbs on a plate (and putting the bread back in the bag) to make it look like I had something to eat and tell my Dad that I had a sandwich when he got home.  That's how bad it was, the fact that I had to lie about it. Of course at the time, I thought nothing of it. I just didn't want to eat, hated food, couldn't be bothered, wasn't hungry or just felt sick thinking about food.  I was unable to finish meals, leaving almost half of it because I felt sick or I was full. My body was basically messed up. Eating sort of felt like a chore to me.

Like I said, I'm not concerned about my physical state but more my mental state and how I viewed food. The photo above was late 2010 and the photo below is from this year. It's hard to tell but there is a big difference, especially in my legs (I had a thigh gap) and I wasn't worried about being fat or wanting to look beautiful and skinny, I just didn't want to eat. I know the two photos are almost 5 years apart and obviously a lot can happen in 5 years in terms of bodily development but weight is different and it's still shocking to see how thin I was.

I don't think the mental side of the disorder is widely recognised, not in my case anyway. Majority of the population think of an ED as physical. But the way I was thinking was not healthy at all and I think more people need to recognise that. 

This went on for about 3-4 years semi-unnoticed. My Dad recognised how thin I was but it wasn't a huge deal until around December 2011 (I was 15 at this time) when my Dad basically threatened to take me to the Doctors to get it sorted out. This is when it really hit me that actually maybe I was very ill. The average 16 year old female weights 115-118 pounds (50kg give or take) and I think I was under this weight, obviously, I don't really remember because I didn't think it was a big deal back then, but I was definitely not a healthy weight, especially with my attitude towards food.

So after my Dad spoke to me properly about this and made me sort of realise (I still wasn't fully convinced), I began to get better. It took me about a year to really get over my eating habits but I eventually came to eat better. I began to love food, love eating, it no longer felt like a chore, I wanted to snack and eat and of course, I started to put on weight and I became much healthier and looked healthier and felt better.

I don't know the direct reasons for my habits but there was a few things that probably contributed. I feel like I have to emphasis the fact that I was more mentally ill than physically ill and a lot of people don't see that. During those years, I think I was depressed as well. I wasn't clinically diagnosed but I recognised and acknowledged how sad I was, how tired I was, I had lacked energy and other symptoms. *I no longer feel like this and no longer feel I have depression*

So, there you have it, my not so healthy teenage years. If you have experienced similar symptoms or feel like you have experienced the same as I have, I would love for you to contact me! I wrote this post to see if anyone felt the same and went through the same as I did because like I have said repeatedly, the mental aspect of it was much more concerning than my physical health and weight.

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