

If you decide to stick with it, go get a beverage first because it will take a while. Even had to drag the emperors out of cold storage to help me out with it:


AUGUSTUS: “Please, please, PLEASE come BACK here, I haven’t even started yet!” would somehow seem more appropriate.

CALIGULA: I think that’s what he meant. The people standing up were probably getting ready to leave.


TIBERIUS: He has “fellow Americans?” Wouldn’t he have to become one first?


AUGUSTUS: A parade would have been nice but that would have been too much to ask of him. It might take time away from his orgies.


CALIGULA: His salute was one-fingered, but proud nonetheless. As proud as his wife’s.


TIBERIUS: In spite of that plebeian’s best efforts to destroy that respect. I can see how that must infuriate him.










AUGUSTUS: If only somebody had told Publius Quinctilius Varus.


CLAUDIUS: And, of c-c-course, y-your exemp-p-plary l-leadership!



TIBERIUS: Such as the entire government of the nation?

they exceed all expectations. They’re not consumed with personal ambition.

AUGUSTUS: Unlike somebody we could mention.

They don’t obsess over their differences.

AUGUSTUS: Unlike somebody we could…

CALIGULA: Alright, alright, we get it!

They focus on the mission at hand. They work together.


CALIGULA: Really? REALLY? We GET IT, m’kay???

Imagine what we could accomplish if we followed their example.

TIBERIUS: Imagine indeed. All of the roads leading to DC would be lined with Democrats nailed to flaming crosses.


CLAUDIUS: Is he t-t-talking about the America that existed before his p-p-arty took over education?


CLAUDIUS: As opposed to an America that does everything in its p-power to ch-chase them overseas b-because of over-regulation, onerous t-t-taxation and p-plain idiocy?

EMPEROR MISHA I: All of us Tea Partiers are imagining just that.

a future where we’re in control of our own energy;

AUGUSTUS: A future in which imbecile presidents aren’t putting a stop to each and every initiative to develop domestic energy sources. Is he up there actually writing the ads that will be run against him in the fall?


TIBERIUS: Unless, of course, the rewards are just too darned big. When those hard workers have just earned enough money.


TONTO: Who is this “we” you’re talking about, Kemosabe?

AUGUSTUS: Who’s HE? No, never mind, I rather like him.


AUGUSTUS: They also had a little something called a “parade” to mark their victory.

My grandfather, a veteran of Patton’s Army,

CLAUDIUS: That w-w-would be the one who liberated Auschwitz from the G-germans, sorry, the S-soviet, sorry, we’re getting confused h-here.


TIBERIUS: OK, so we’ve covered the maternal part of your lineage. What about the paternal one?

EMPEROR MISHA I: We’re not supposed to talk about that. That’s considered “extremist.”

TIBERIUS: But isn’t anything questioning that serf’s lineage considered “extremist” by his party?

EMPEROR MISHA I: I have no idea what the DNC considers it. That’s what the GOP considers it to be. Also “unhelpful.” But I’m sure that it will eventually turn out that one of his ancestors single-handedly defeated the British at Isandlwana armed with nothing but a sliced cucumber.


TIBERIUS: Unless you’d earned “enough” and therefore had to hand your sestertii over to the government for the Common Good™.


CALIGULA: Getting rid of that clown up on the podium would seem to be a good first step.


TIBERIUS: But enough talking about politicians and union bosses.

while a growing number of Americans barely get by,

CALIGULA: President Food Stamp!

EMPEROR MISHA I: Hush! That’s unhelpful and uncivilized and will probably get Gabby Giffords shot a second time!

CALIGULA: Channeling Debbie Whassername Schultz, my Emperor?

EMPEROR MISHA I: No. The entire staff at Hot Air.


AUGUSTUS: He’s not actually saying that Congress will have to abide by the same laws that they pass to rule the people, is he?

EMPEROR MISHA I: In a word: No.



CLAUDIUS: Those horrible ATMs again, is it?


CALIGULA: And costs of living that kept sky-rocketing because the price of energy went up, thanks to a certain Numidian outlawing domestic energy production unless it was A) inefficient and B) filled the pockets of his supporters.


AUGUSTUS: Because the party of the current president had been forcing the banks to lend money to deadbeats at gunpoint in the name of “fairness.”


AUGUSTUS: Regulators? Wasn’t every single attempt by this idiot’s party’s opponents to actually regulate the nonsense stonewalled by that same party?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Hush. We’re not in the real world anymore. We’re in his community-based reality.


TIBERIUS: Actually, it left them paying for the bag when you used their money to bail out your friends and donors.


CLAUDIUS: Trying to do s-some c-calculating here. W-wasn’t his party in c-control of C-congress for 24 of those f-first s-six months? So t-they managed to l-lose 8 m-million jobs total?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Hush! Remember, his enlightened policies aren’t “fully implemented” yet! They’ve only had 5 years!

JOSEF STALIN: One more five year plan and TRUE socialist utopia will finally be here!

EMPEROR MISHA I: OK, somebody throw that sack of shit out of here!


EMPEROR MISHA I: Almost all of them in states not controlled by Democrats.


AUGUSTUS: They have?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Who knows? Remember, we’re in the community-based reality still. But even if they have, they still haven’t agreed on how to actually do it. But they’ve agreed to do it somehow, and that’s all that counts.

AUGUSTUS: Very well then. I was a bit confused there, seeing as how it doesn’t make much sense for him to insist that the debt ceiling be raised by another $1.2 trillion if the deficit has been cut by $2 trillion.

EMPEROR MISHA I: There you go again: Using math and facts. VISIGOTH EXTREMIST RACIST!


NEVILLE CHAMBERLAIN: I hold in my hand a piece of paper guaranteeing peace in our…

CALIGULA: What? Is this an open house all of a sudden?


AUGUSTUS: I think the words he’s looking for are “we’ve come too far to be able to turn back now.”

TIBERIUS: Your Majesty? Why is the band playing “nearer my G-d, to thee?”

CALIGULA: Who cares? I needed ice for my whiskey anyway.


AUGUSTUS: As long as “anybody” is a Democrat, obviously.


CALIGULA: “Even if it means breaking the law and violating the Constitution!” Really, he may be an idiot, but I kinda like his utter disrespect for the rule of law.

CLAUDIUS: You w-would, nephew, you would.


AUGUSTUS: He’s going to offer his resignation during a State of the Union Address? Now THAT would be a first!

This blueprint begins with American manufacturing.


AUGUSTUS: After all, most of those jobs were union ones and they’re the ones paying for your party’s existence. So instead, you chose to use everybody else’s money on screwing over the creditors of the auto industry, buying up the company, tying a bow on it and handing it over to your friends. How anybody would call that “corrupt” is beyond me!

EMPEROR MISHA I: If I didn’t know you were being sarcastic, I’d say you were perfect for a job at the Weekly Standard, dear Augustus.

In exchange for help, we demanded responsibility.

CLAUDIUS: …and campaign donations. But mostly campaign d-donations.

We got workers and automakers to settle their differences.

CALIGULA: By not offering the automakers a seat at the table. BRILLIANT. Now that’s bipartisanship that We Can Believe In™.


EMPEROR MISHA I: When it comes to being the number-one autoseller, on the other hand, but let’s not talk about that. They’re making cars. That nobody wants. But they’re making them, dammit! WINNING!


CLAUDIUS: But F-ford wasn’t part of the “use t-taxpayer funds to give my union friends a present” d-deal, were they?



What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries.

CALIGULA: I’ve had plenty of time down in the Imperial Dungeons to study what is happening in Detroit, and if that comment of his isn’t the most beautiful threat I’ve ever seen, then I don’t know WHAT is!

It can happen in Cleveland and Pittsburgh and Raleigh.

AUGUSTUS: But, fortunately, it doesn’t look like it can happen in any state run by a non-Democrat party.

We can’t bring every job back that’s left our shore.

EMPEROR MISHA I: Particularly not the Brazilian oil drilling ones that U.S. taxpayers are paying for now


TIBERIUS: Building the future on the hopes that the rest of the world will go down the toilet faster than the U.S. Now there’s a visionary for you!




AUGUSTUS: We somehow think that at least part of the answer is: What can you do to make us believe that we won’t be taking it up the arse if we happen to make money in the U.S. because we’re not paying our “fair share” of your re-election fund.



CLAUDIUS: The man is a genius! Lesser minds would have said something like “we’ll make businesses bring jobs back home by making sure that they won’t go bankrupt by doing so”, but this J-jovian intellect cuts right through that n-nonsense by saying, instead, “w-we’ll make sure that n-no matter w-where you are, as l-long as you h-have a U.S. p-presence, we’ll make s-sure that you’ll take it up the arse on your p-profit margins!” Because that’s s-sure to make every s-single b-business in the world want to hold on t-to their U.S. presence!



CLAUDIUS: S-see? He’s brilliant! That most c-certainly WON’T make any businesses who still have ties to the U.S. cut those t-tied immediately to m-move to more f-friendly shores!

CALIGULA: Seriously, uncle Claudius, we didn’t know you were that good with sarcasm!


TIBERIUS: And who would enforce that if they chose to move all of their operations elsewhere



AUGUSTUS: Wait! Haven’t they already “earned enough money?”


AUGUSTUS: Wasn’t he against “corporate welfare” at some point?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Only if the corporation wasn’t wholly owned by the unions and, by extension, the Democrat Party.

So my message…



EMPEROR MISHA I: And we all know how well that worked out, not to mention how imperial edicts work out in general. Just ask king Canute and how he managed to stop the tide rolling in. At least he was joking at the time.



TIBERIUS: And the American taxpayers will be on the hook for all of the corporate welfare subsidies that will enable those companies to sell those useless death traps at a price where anybody might even consider buying them.


AUGUSTUS: Other than pissing the Chinese off?


CLAUDIUS: 8,000,000 jobs lost d-during his p-party’s rule, but they’ve actually created m-more than a 1,000 to make up for it? W-w-WINNING!

But we need to do more.

CLAUDIUS: About 7,999,000 jobs w-worth more.


AUGUSTUS: Unlike the utter fairness in each Government Chevy Dolt costing a quarter million in subsidies so that anybody can even afford to consider buying one?


TIBERIUS: And I’m sure that the Chinese are already shivering in their boots just thinking about what you might do if you find them non-compliant!

AUGUSTUS: Who is going to enforce those inspections, anyway?

TIBERIUS: Doesn’t matter. He’ll personally outlaw the sale of Kung Pao Chicken in America if they don’t submit!


CALIGULA: Will this include ATF-mandated weapons transfers to Mexican drug cartels? Because I might want to step in and make a mint off of that if Eric Holder is banned from undercutting my prices.


CLAUDIUS: And the best way to “level the playing field” is to give every American company as many reasons as possible for l-leaving the country for other s-shores where they’re not p-penalized for not p-paying their fair share into the DNC’s c-coffers.


TIBERIUS: Not much demand for Master’s degrees in gender studies, is there?


TIBERIUS: Tell that to the 99%’ers that you endorsed who have spent their lives borrowing $100,000 to get a degree in the sexual habits of fruit flies.

It’s inexcusable. And we know how to fix it.

EMPEROR MISHA I: We do. It’s called “November.”



AUGUSTUS: Or join me in my commitment to create businesses that will give mechanics like Jackie a job as a mechanic.


EMPEROR MISHA I: Or just help not making it impossible for businesses already employing those people to continue doing business here.



EMPEROR MISHA I: Guards, please shoot that bastard!






But challenges remain. And we know how to solve them.


AUGUSTUS: And they have done SUCH a great job up until now. The cost of educating kids and paying the union teachers has gone up by an order of magnitude over the last half a century, and the SATs have moved not an inch. So let’s throw MORE money at them!


CLAUDIUS: And an utterly useless one can’t be f-fired and will, instead, sp-spend the rest of his or her life in a r-rubber r-room, collecting full pay and pension, because otherwise the union dues wouldn’t be filling the DNC war chest.


AUGUSTUS: And every person in this chamber can also point to an utterly useless waste of skin who, in spite of having no skills whatsoever other than paying his or her dues to the NEA, collected every bit as much of a penny doing nothing whatsoever. WINNING!


AUGUSTUS: Quite a few work not at all, spending nothing of their own, not even their time, yet they’re still rewarded exactly the same as the ones you’re talking about. It’s a bloody wonder that any teachers are doing anything at all under those conditions as they might as well not even try.


AUGUSTUS: How about firing the useless ones so as to concentrate the resources on the ones who do some good?


AUGUSTUS: And if that means making “F” a passing grade, then so be it. It will make us WIN! Seriously, my Emperor, tell us again why euthanasia is a bad idea?


CLAUDIUS: How about stopping the practice of putting the taxpayers on the hook for student loans? P-possibly that might force colleges to s-start thinking about what they ch-charge students for tuition?



We can’t just keep subsidizing skyrocketing tuition.

CLAUDIUS: That sounds almost intelligent!


CLAUDIUS: A bit hard when the c-current model states t-that colleges d-don’t have to worry about the l-likelihood that those loans will ever be p-paid back since the g-government or, rather, the t-taxpayers will be f-footing the bill when they d-default because there’s just no demand for PhDs in c-comparative f-folk dancing.


CLAUDIUS: They’re degrees are s-still worthless, but they c-can now pass with an F.

Some use better technology. The point is, it’s possible.



AUGUSTUS: They might try applying for it, then. Of course, that would require them to be in the country legally in the first place.


EMPEROR MISHA I: Because every single one of them, by virtue of not being American, are bound to be the next Stephen Hawking, unlike those bitter clinger buck-toothed hicks who will have to pay for their education.


TIBERIUS: And made damn sure that none of those boots impede Eric Holder’s “No Mexican Drug Cartel Left Unarmed” program, even if they end up being murdered in the process. How can anybody not love this guy?


AUGUSTUS: It has nothing to do with the fact that prospects in America are worse than prospects in Mexico, thanks to his administration’s retarded policies. Give him four more years and Floridians will be building rafts to escape to Cuba.



AUGUSTUS: Can we at least ask them to prove that they’re the next Nikola Tesla before we hand them automatic citizenship?


AUGUSTUS: Was anybody ever opposed to that? The reason that women, sometimes, are paid less than their male counterparts is that they’re more likely to take leaves of absence due to perfectly good reasons, but should you really be compensated the same for doing less of a job?



AUGUSTUS: So the 80,000 pages of new regulations that your administration has been pumping out every year will now be a thing of the past? You’re shutting the EPA down?



CLAUDIUS: And no worthwhile research takes place in private labs whose entire existence depends on their research being worthwhile, unlike federally funded ones who will suck up the gravy whether they produce anything or not.


EMPEROR MISHA I: All of that was based on federally funded research?



TIBERIUS: And then promptly shut them down because they might provide a viable alternative to Solyndra which nobody, the GOP included, wants to talk about.


TIBERIUS: As long as they don’t actually drill there, because that would be against the Imperial Ogabe Permitorium.


AUGUSTUS: Because once employed Americans can’t afford gas at $4 a gallon.


AUGUSTUS: And you already have it. It’s called “nuclear”. Not to mention that your wholly invented out of full cloth “2 percent” is enough to fuel American for quite a few centuries.


TIBERIUS: And if you as much as THINK about using it, the EPA will kill you!


TIBERIUS: “Safely” meaning “not.”


CLAUDIUS: As-assuming that h-h-he’s done reviewing it and c-coming up with n-new reasons for st-stopping it by then.


AUGUSTUS: Correct me if I’m wrong, Your Majesty, but haven’t those kinds of extractions been done for quite some time without Americans giving birth to three-headed children and dropping dead in the streets?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Hey, don’t look at me. I got nuthin’!


AUGUSTUS: Excuse me, but isn’t that exactly what his administration is doing right now? Strangling the economy to protect the environment from non-existent dangers?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Got me again. Plus, given the choice between freezing to death on your sixth year of “funemployment” and some four-toed tree frog, we somehow think that it would be goodnight, Gracie, for the frog if most Americans had their way.


TIBERIUS: Yep. That’s it. Done right here in America exclusively, and only because of taxpayer money. Nowhere else on Earth was anybody extracting gas from shale rock because, really, how could they? Seeing as how it was exclusively done here in American due entirely to federal U.S. dollars.

EMPEROR MISHA I: Some columnist for the New York Times is probably going to explain tomorrow how every word you just said was racist.

CALIGULA: So, am I getting this right? I just have to ask before I go get another amphora of wine: He’s bragging about how he single-handedly invented fracking, only to put a complete stop to it? Heh. And the historians say that I was insane!


CLAUDIUS: Unf-fortunately, the company making those h-high tech b-ba-batteries just filed for Chapter 11 protection.

AUGUSTUS: But, other than that, it was a resounding success!

TIBERIUS: At least they had the courtesy to hold off filing until after this dimwitted serf’s speech.


AUGUSTUS: Until they, too, find themselves on the street because their “green” companies file. But up until then, there were literally thousands of people working there, thousands! Oh, and six million more unemployed who didn’t happen to work for one of the clown’s friends.

When Bryan Ritterby was laid off from his job making furniture, he said he worried that, at 55, no one would give him a second chance. But he found work at Energetx, a wind turbine manufacturer in Michigan.

CALIGULA: What’t the over-under on their bankruptcy proceedings?

TIBERIUS: If they’re halfway decent friends of his, I’d say no sooner than mid-November. Yes. My powers of prediction are fascinating.


TIBERIUS: Come back to us about that come December, will you?

CALIGULA: Come on, give him some credit for the snide dig against the Evil Rich there. “Only made luxury yachts”… Nice. At least they didn’t make corporate jets.


AUGUSTUS: That group happening to be 100% identical to the group of firms being subsidized by Obama Corp.


AUGUSTUS: If he has to hand over every single dime in the Treasury to his friends to prove it! There he goes with the threats again. Oh, that’s supposed to sound impressive? Cato he isn’t. Although he has both of them decisively beat in the long-winded department.

I will not walk away from workers like Bryan.

TIBERIUS: Every single other worker in the country, on the other hand? You’re on your own, bitches!


TIBERIUS: Based on the amount of success those two countries have had in their pursuit of Fairy Dust™ and Magic Beans™ as a source of energy, I’m sure they’re massively relieved to hear that they won’t be left to hold the dunce cap on their own.

We’ve subsidized oil companies for a century. That’s long enough.

TIBERIUS: Of course, the oil companies actually have something to show for it, but…


AUGUSTUS: He actually just said that with a straight face? Very well then. That is impressive.

Pass clean-energy tax credits. Create these jobs.

TIBERIUS: Retreat, oceans! Arise, sun! Part before me, waters! Reminds me of this one guy during my time in office but, then again, he actually could walk on water, according to the reports I was getting from there.


AUGUSTUS: Listen, going back to horse-drawn buggies and triremes isn’t actually “innovation”, you know.


CALIGULA: Quick, hide your wallets!


AUGUSTUS: Is he talking about that stroke of genius where the Navy was ordered to pay several times as much for fuel in order to keep even more of his friends from filing for bankruptcy, thus increasing the deficit even more than he already did when forking the borrowed money over to his buddies in the first place?

TIBERIUS: And don’t forget that this is while criticizing and slashing the Department of Defense for being too damn wasteful.


AUGUSTUS: At the rates businesses are closing under his administration, he might actually be speaking the truth there.


TIBERIUS: Demolishing old shut down factories now counts as “construction jobs?”

AUGUSTUS: Well… They are “constructing” itty bitty pieces of concrete from really really large pieces of concrete, aren’t they?

Send me a bill that creates these jobs.


TIBERIUS: Quite. And the longer that drooling idiot remains in office, the more work there’ll be for the ones who survive him and his gang of goons.


CLAUDIUS: So the l-lack of free br-broadband access in Podunk is w-what is st-st-stopping Aunt Martha’s Homemade Quilts and Comforters from f-f-flooding global markets and t-turning the American economy a-around?


CALIGULA: And Germany built the Autobahns. And a few other things.


CALIGULA: So therefore, we’re going to build them again! Whether they’re needed, wanted or not. Hey, how about building the Great Wall of China too?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Build it along the border with Mexico and he might actually get some support for that.


CALIGULA: Oh, did he mention the bit where he single-handedly tracked down Osama and strangled him with his own hands, right before he ended the war in Iraq? I thought he did. Gods below! DRINK!


AUGUSTUS: Somebody stole the nation while we weren’t looking? Why didn’t anybody report it?

TIBERIUS: I have a pretty good idea as to the exact kind of nation he’s planning on building.

There’s never been a better time to build,

TIBERIUS: Which explains perfectly why nobody is actually building.


AUGUSTUS: He should have finished that sentence right after “…fix the problem.”



AUGUSTUS: Except for the “deficit” of the financial institutions, of course. That thing they also call “the bottom line.” That thing that they have to make up for shortfalls in by placing more “small” fees on their customers. So he’s proposing this “bold” plan of giving a pittance of relief to homeowners, a pittance they will have to pay for themselves in the end. If they have a bank account, that is. Or a mortgage. Which, presumably, they do. It’s the mortgage they’re getting “help” with, after all.

TIBERIUS: It’s all so clear now when you put it that way.

AUGUSTUS: Too clear for the idiot voters of this declining nation to understand, obviously.



CLAUDIUS: He s-should probably t-take that up with that H-Holder guy of his, n-n-not to mention the horde of t-tax cheats in his own ad-administration.


AUGUSTUS: Unless you’re a member of the administration, a friend of the administration or somebody who has some dirt on the administration. Of course. But other than that it is going to be the, all together now:

ALL: Most. Honest. Transparent. Administration. EVAH!

AUGUSTUS: Funny. It didn’t sound any more believable the second time around.

An America built to last insists on responsibility from everybody.


TIBERIUS: But got them anyway because your party forced the banks to give them to them.

AUGUSTUS: Which is the banks’ fault.

CLAUDIUS: And n-not at ALL B-barney F-f-frank’s fault!

CALIGULA: Barney Frank? There is this really, creepy old guy by the same name who keeps hitting on me on my Facebook account.

CLAUDIUS: Careful with th-that one. He’ll g-g-gum you to d-death!

That’s why we need smart regulations to prevent irresponsible behavior.


TIBERIUS: And while we’re at it, rules to outlaw cancer, rules to guarantee tailwinds on bicycle paths in all directions, rules to keep snow from accumulating on roads and rules to keep the Kardashians out of the media for at least a hundred years. OK, that last one actually has some merit. I could back that one.


AUGUSTUS: Of course, then there are all the ones that your agencies make up themselves without waiting for Congress but… Who’s counting?


TIBERIUS: Wait. They’re shutting down Washington DC and Congress?


CLAUDIUS: The rest? Well, they won’t do anything at all.



CALIGULA: Why is everybody just sitting there?

TIBERIUS: He’ll start begging any moment now.

AUGUSTUS: But you can rest assured that he’s got people taking down the names of people not Sufficiently Roaring With Laughter At His Enormous Wit™.

CALIGULA: I wish somebody would just get it over with and at least pretend to giggle. He won’t ever get started again until he gets his cue.

AUGUSTUS: Probably worked all night on that joke too.

TIBERIUS: Should have stuck with the poetry about fig eating monkeys.

CALIGULA: Ah! Finally! Somebody laughed!

AUGUSTUS: I think that was a sneeze, actually.

CALIGULA: By the forehead of Jove, who cares? As long as it gets him started again. Besides, that plastic grin he’s been holding up there while waiting for applause for the past fifteen minutes is beginning to creep the Charybdis out of me!



TIBERIUS: Odd that your federal agencies don’t believe that they can at all, then. Oh, and do quit trying to milk that joke, if may commit a minor comedy atrocity myself here.


CLAUDIUS: About that… Now that the spill is long c-contained and cl-cleaned up, any update on w-when your t-t-temporary drilling b-ban is g-g-going to end?

I will not back down from protecting our kids from mercury poisoning

AUGUSTUS: Jupiter be praised! How we managed to live through those dark days of the Bush administration when people were actually dropping like flies from mercury poisoning every day we simply do not know! Of course, we were technically speaking already dead but… You get my point.


TIBERIUS: Why the Hades should you pay less in car insurance just because you have been driving for 20 years without an accident? Why shouldn’t you be charged for car insurance at all simply because you don’t own a car! He’s right! Er… Wait…


CLAUDIUS: Your b-bag men at G-goldman S-sachs aren’t g-g-going to like that one l-little bit.

AUGUSTUS: You’re right. They wouldn’t. If they believed for a second that he actually meant a word of it. But they, unlike the ones who voted him into office, have the benefit of having a brain.


TIBERIUS: And the financial geniuses in the administration get to decide who has the “best ideas” and/or are “responsible.” How, I hear you ask? A simple questionnaire attached to the application: “Have you or are you planning on donating a substantial amount of money to the DNC?”


TIBERIUS: The government is finally going to be out of the banking business?


TIBERIUS: Unless, of course (see the response to the questionnaire above)…


AUGUSTUS: Which is why you went as far as to commit a high crime by violating the Constitution and your oath to same by making him a “recess” appointment without an actual recess being in progress.


TIBERIUS: How on earth are Congress members going to make a living if that goes into effect?

And tonight, I’m asking my attorney general

CALIGULA: If he can take time away from being the chief suspect and witness in the Fast and Furious investigations, of course.


CALIGULA: They’re going to have to shut down the underground gun railroad to Mexican drug lords to find the staff to run that.


TIBERIUS: Also, they’ll cure cancer and give everybody a free pony!




TIBERIUS: If they even have a paycheck, that is, which is fast becoming a rare commodity.


CLAUDIUS: I’m confused. Is he standing up there talking about how we have to make a t-temporary tax cut p-p-permanent because, otherwise, it’s a tax hike?

AUGUSTUS: Different tax cuts, different rules.



AUGUSTUS: See? There he goes again. Remember, children, the ones receiving a cut from those Evil Bush Cuts, a group also known as “everybody who pays taxes”, belongs to the wealthiest 2 percent of Americans. Ought to be a huge relief to them to know that they’re rich.


TIBERIUS: Just as Warren Buffett’s Two Home “Secretary” if you don’t believe him! Of course, those evil rich still somehow manage to pay about 3/4 of all taxes in the nation, but that’s irrelevant.


TIBERIUS: Right on cue.


CALIGULA: It’s a good thing I don’t have to drink every time he calls “profligate, irresponsible spending” an “investment” or I’d be dead, again, and the Emperor would be out of liquor.




CLAUDIUS: And that… t-t-tadaaaa, would cover… let’s s-see here… About 4% of the deficit!

AUGUSTUS: If it were ever to actually happen, that is.



TIBERIUS: Did he just spell “non-existent” “s-t-a-g-n-a-n-t?”

You’re the ones who need relief.

TIBERIUS: Right on. And, gods willing, we’ll have some around January 2013.



AUGUSTUS: Especially if you’re a “corporate jet owner”. In which case we show our admiration by harping on it all day long and encouraging people to take to the streets and commit rape, burglarly, arson, murder and random other acts of “mostly peaceful” dissent.


TIBERIUS: Of course, nobody is actually keeping you from cutting a check to the Treasury to return the break you don’t “need” but, hey, why complicate matters?


AUGUSTUS: America was built upon shared responsibility, the common good and “fairness”, Emperor? I’ve been reading all of the history books you gave us to catch up, and that one’s new to me.

EMPEROR MISHA I: To everybody else happening to live in the actual real world too.



ALLAHPUNDIT: Mitt Romney, that’s who!!!

CALIGULA: Who in the name of Mars’ right testicle is THAT?

EMPEROR MISHA I: Must have slipped past the guards disguised as a maid.



TIBERIUS: That horrid hag of yours, Nancy Pelosi, is going to love that!





AUGUSTUS: How about proposed budgets? Will they get an up-down vote within at least 1,000 days?


TIBERIUS: But most of the time it can be found on the nearest golf course.


CALIGULA: Here’s an idea: Fire your unelected czars. That ought to cut down the slack a bit.



TIBERIUS: And, obviously, one of the many, many, many, many, many things that people can’t do better than government is to pick which light bulbs they’d prefer in their homes. Lincoln would have been completely on board with that. If he’d had light bulbs to worry about.





AUGUSTUS: Yes. I do believe that most people with an IQ above boiled eggs has realized by now that you don’t care a rotting fig whether you’re violating the Constitution. If you don’t like what Congress passes or doesn’t pass, you’ll just do it yourself anyway. If there were any members of the opposition in DC with a spine, there would be a gallows with your name on it waiting eagerly for you.



CALIGULA: Curses. Again with the “did I mention I won the war.” DRINK!


CALIGULA: And when he says the United States of America, he really means “the reach of my awesome, terrible swift sword. Right, Osama?” DRINK!


TIBERIUS: As soon as they can reach an agreement with the Taliban, that is. But that’s OK, because they’re not really the enemy per se. Not anymore.


TIBERIUS: Indeed. And all along the way it’s been Islamic Fundamentalist for the WIN!


CALIGULA: “Did I mention that I personally had him killed?” DRINK!


TIBERIUS: And if it means sitting on the sidelines, “witnessing history” until every last protester has been slaughtered by Assad, then so be it!


AUGUSTUS: And so far, “you” as in “you and your Muslim Brotherhood friends”, are looking pretty good. The rest of the world? Oh well…


AUGUSTUS: Sharia, anti-Semitism, stonings, theocracy… You name it. It’s all right there in the Constitution.


TIBERIUS: As you are about to find out, comrade.


TIBERIUS: United in Failure™. Because, last I checked, they were still building nukes.

The regime is more isolated than ever before.

TIBERIUS: They’re not getting a lot of Christmas cards anymore but, hey, they’re still building nukes.

Its leaders are faced with crippling sanctions.

TIBERIUS: None of which they’re actually hit with. Oh, and did I mention that they’re still building nukes?


TIBERIUS: And they’ll keep building, you know, nukes.


TIBERIUS: Other than, you know, actually stopping them from building nukes.


TIBERIUS: Something they have shown us all is really high on their list of priorities. Right below building nukes. And murdering every Jew in the world. But then, then they’d really like to rejoin this community of which you speak.


AUGUSTUS: Turkey and China? Who knew?

Our ties to the Americas are deeper.

CALIGULA: Mexico, just to name one, depends almost entirely upon your attorney general for their supply of automatic weapons, for instance.


AUGUSTUS: Somebody please tell Mr. Netanyahu that, because he doesn’t seem to have gotten the memo.


AUGUSTUS: Burma? It’s called Burma again now?

TIBERIUS: That’s probably the “new beginning” he’s speaking of, because nobody else seems to have heard of it. But it must be important if he says so.



CALIGULA: News to a lot of people. Including the people allegedly having such a renewed high opinion of America.



CLAUDIUS: Sounds an a-awful lot like how h-he w-was going to save a b-bundle on healthcare w-while improving q-quality and c-coverage.

TIBERIUS: And I can promise, right now, that it’s going to work out just as fantastically!





AUGUSTUS: Because, up until now, having a cop or a firefighter who was also a vet was pretty much unheard of!




TIBERIUS: Care for a quick bet?


CALIGULA: While I, I, I took out bin Laden!!! Sheesh… I’m off for another bottle. Be right back. You keep the tally up for me. Should probably bring a dozen bottles…



AUGUSTUS: Hey, Caligula! Make that two dozen bottles!



TIBERIUS: You’re almost overcome by a strong urge to vomit?


TIBERIUS: Wait a minute. Did he just suggest that all of those bickering civilian plebes should be more like the military and just do as they’re told…

AUGUSTUS: …which would be awfully convenient for a Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces, I know. Yes, he did. Wish I’d thought of that…

CALIGULA: But… Uncle Augustus… You DID!

AUGUSTUS: Sigh. I know. That was sarcasm. Tell you what, hand me one of those bottles of yours. And Emperor? We are NOT doing this again! Send us back into deep freeze if you must, but please, by all that is holy, do not subject us to that ever again.

EMPEROR MISHA I: Hey, you gotta earn your pay somehow.

AUGUSTUS: Does the phrase “a fate worse than death” mean anything to you? Because it does to us now.


newest oldest most voted
Notify of
Imperial Grammar Hun, G.L.O.R
Imperial Grammar Hun, G.L.O.R

Misha, I know you did a lot of work with this, but I really can’t finish it. I didn’t watch the SOTU address, and I’d really not read it, either. I had a breakfast of grass-fed beef, carrots, and potatoes cooked all night in the crockpot, and spread it all with real butter (from grass-fed beef) from Ireland. I enjoyed… Read more »

LC SecondMouse
LC SecondMouse

My hat is off to you, Misha. Very funny. You must be one of those people who do not require sleep. This reads like a script for a Mystery Science Theater 3000 treatment of the most surreal SOTU ever. The hallucinatory world view of the SCOAMF in sharp focus. Yikes.

(and FOIST!)

LC SecondMouse
LC SecondMouse

Grammar Czar beat me to it! BTW, what happened to the edit window on new comments?

LC IB CiSSnarl5.7 Imperial Foreign War Correspondent
LC IB CiSSnarl5.7 Imperial Foreign War Correspondent

Mheh, I was just musing over some of his ‘comments’ on higher “edumecatun” over at the BoboFiles.

Great read on a Sunday morning :em01:

LC IB CiSSnarl5.7 Imperial Foreign War Correspondent
LC IB CiSSnarl5.7 Imperial Foreign War Correspondent

Sorry, I misfired …. IRT to my above post, the “Great read” comment is referencing THIS post on the Rott, not my tortured scribbles I linked to…


This was a tad more enjoyable than actually listening to the first 15 minutes on the radio, I was getting hoarse from yelling “another lie” every 5 seconds or so until I shut it off, too much mental pain. How anyone with two firing synapses can think this man should be re-elected I cannot fathom, but then I may have… Read more »


Hi DJ – you are correct as to the original purpose of Food Stamps (muy me some of that Farm vote) but as with all “well” intentioned (and I am beoing kind of sarcastic with that) programs they get expanded, re-directed and bloated beyond all recognition. Hard to believe it has only been with us since the start of the… Read more »

Darth Venomous
Darth Venomous

P.S.: The edit comment feature is one of the casualties of some, ahem, “recent upgrades”, but I hope that the hamsters working the innards of the site will soon have that resolved. Or else.

Happy to. Soon’s my own machine quits crapping out on me. :em08:


“I’ll give you a hint though: Food stamps are mainly for the benefit of the farmers.” Which means someone in the gummint actually started out trying to pave Hell Highway. Of course, these days, “for the benefit of the farmers” means, effectively, “for the benefit of the large agricultural corporations that can be easily hit up for kickbacks ‘campaign donations.'”… Read more »

Darth Venomous
Darth Venomous

Well, fortunately, the crapped-out portion was quickly rebuilt. (It’s a VM, and I had a functioning backup that I could plug in & re-configure with not that much effort.)

You recommended upgrading to 3.3.1 prior to plugging this in, right?

Darth Venomous
Darth Venomous

This week, then. I’ll give the pups fair warning.

Muzzy - Imperial Ignorant Slut
Muzzy - Imperial Ignorant Slut

Quick nitpick Misha. Apparently, GM is the biggest auto-seller.



LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.
LC Sir Clambake, Imperial Black Ops Technician, K.o.E.

Sire, that was fucking funny! It feels good to smile at things like that. :em01:

Lady M-ITT™-Imperial Sniper G.L.O.R
Lady M-ITT™-Imperial Sniper G.L.O.R

I just read a comment that one of my FB “friends” made on an article posted by one of her fellow moonbats. I didn’t know whether to laugh my ass off or tell her she’s being an ignorant sheeple that deserves to be eaten by the wolves when they come a hunting. Sometimes I really question what he does…He doesn’t… Read more »

LC Jackboot IC/A
LC Jackboot IC/A

Lady M-ITT™-Imperial Sniper G.L.O.R says:

I feel almost like a
child who just has to trust that her father knows best, even
if she doesn’t understand.

OMG I needed a hit of Oh2 reading that snip. This retard shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Willing to follow a politician without question.

Not sheep, they have natural fears they’ll react to, but Zombies are already brain-dead.


I particularly like this bit: I will not back down from protecting our kids from mercury poisoning All the while his EPA is forcing people to bring fragile glass vials full of the stuff into our homes in the name of ‘protecting the environment’. I’m not sure how loading our landfills with poison and creating Hazmat zones in our houses… Read more »

LC Roguetek
LC Roguetek

weird. at the top is says ’25 comments’ but the very last comment says ‘#21’