Still Deeper

You know you’re in trouble when you start looking up which drugs will cause the most effective and painless overdose. At the same time I am reaching out to people in my support system and I have invitations and plans that would keep me safe.

But I don’t know if I WANT to be safe. And there’s the rub.

When I get nearly delusional with thoughts of harming myself, I secretly want to try them out. At the same time, the impulse to live that we all share is strong and keeps me from doing anything. Last time I ended up in the hospital and the last two days, I’m getting closer to acting on the desire to hurt myself. And the desire to save myself is less strong.

My therapist has good ideas and suggestions (orders?) that would keep me safe tonight and then I see her for our normal session tomorrow. I talked to my psychiatrist yesterday and got a med change that will still take a few days to kick in. I feel like I’m at the point when I should be caring around an overnight bag in case I need to go to the hospital. I’m stirred up, and I’d rather be stirred up.

Why or what has brought me here? I don’t know for sure. Work is more stressful, but I’m quite good at setting that aside at the end of my work day. The stress is there nonetheless. My feelings and thoughts about the separation, about church, about things that used to make me plunge into darkness are light and not that dark. I want to end some sort of pain, only I don’t know what kind of pain it is or what caused it. Existential angst?

This is my cycle (usually with a trigger). I’m sick of it. I’d like to end the cycle. That’s why I’ve been on top of symptoms and trying to find new ways to deal with the situation. What my therapist said could still keep me on a safer and different path. It will take a lot of hard work. Not the least of which is going opposite to the thoughts and feelings and impulses to want to end  the pain with a permanent solution. Or a less permanent solution that just sends me to the hospital to get my stomach pumped.

I can choose my actions. Which will I choose? The impulses are strong both ways.

7 responses to “Still Deeper

  1. Don’t give in to the dark. Dark is not a win. Dark is not an answer. Dark is a parasite…it wants to weaken you and shorten your joy. It seems like “general” life has been pretty decent…so it’s going to seek out a way to bring you down. It’s a full moon, it’s the deep mid-winter, it’s post holiday.

    “Dark,” I say, on my friend’s behalf. “Go the hell away. You don’t deserve this woman, her love, her energy and her life. Shut the hell up. Go to the depths and fricking stay there.”

  2. I know what you mean about not wanting to be safe and feeling stuck between these two alluring and contradictory things. No words of wisdom, just hang in there.

  3. Please stay safe, I would miss your presence greatly (even just through this blog).

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