Jess Jepson

23 Struggles Of Growing Up In The Middle Of Nowhere

1. Fast food is far far away. The nearest McDonald’s is at least a 40 minute drive away, as is Subway, KFC and every other fast food joint under the sun. If it’s a fresh loaf of bread you’re looking for however, there are about seven bakeries in your surrounding villages…
2. Public transport. Buses make an appearance about once every two hours and usually go in the opposite direction to your desired destination. Why would you need buses in such a ‘rural’ area anyway? Not like anyone lives there…
3. You can’t get ANYWHERE without a car. You counted down the days until your seventeenth birthday, since the day you turned thirteen, so you could finally drive…FREEEEDOM! But then when you did learn, you soon discovered that it took you a good 30 minutes to get anywhere remotely exciting, or just anywhere slightly less…green?
4. Nobody has ever heard of your hometown. Every time you tell someone where you’re from, they’ve literally never heard of it, in fact they laugh at the name. Because isn’t it funny that you’re from a place with such an obscure name…?
5. NOBODY has a clue where it is. You quickly learn that nobody has heard of your home town, so opt for the easy option ‘ohh only 30 minutes from’ the nearest town you could think of, usually ending in a Manchester reference. Despite the fact it’s at least 2 hours from yours, it saves the awkward confused reactions that follow your town’s strange name.
6. I am NOT a farmer. Just because you’re from the countryside, everyone assumes you’re a farmer. You find yourself repeatedly explaining, no I don’t live on a farm, own chickens OR harvest my own crops…
7. There is nowhere to shop. You can’t just nip out for late night treats or morning milk; there is no Tesco within a 20 mile radius of your countryside shack. As for a last minute Topshop hall before a girly night out? Pfft, no chance.
8. It’s a 15 minute drive to your nearest restaurant. Even going out for a meal is a hassle, the nearest restaurants are at least 20 minutes away and then when you do arrive, the only options are pub lunches or an extensive collection of cafes. Can you imagine having to eat at restaurants other than Nando’s, Chiquito’s or Frankie & Benny’s? I thought not.
9. What even is signal? Apparently people who live in the middle of nowhere don’t deserve reception. You’re lucky to get any phone service, let alone 3G, does that even exist in the middle of nowhere? Despite the fact in reality, we need it more than anyone else. I mean, what else are you meant to do in the middle of nowhere?! How are we meant to keep in touch with the real world?!

10. Wifi Woes. There is no Wifi. Ever. Good luck loading your Snapchat stories and keeping up with the group chat.11. Getting home from a night out. Your village is certainly not on the taxi board, it costs a million pounds just to get home, because the taxi firm has literally never heard of your village and without a doubt, you’re last person in the taxi. After the 40 minute round trip the taxi driver makes it quite clear he hates your guts.

12. “It’s the perfect place to bring up a child!” You’ve become accustomed to your parents persuading you that it was a ‘lovely, open, child friendly place’ and the ‘perfect place to bring up a child’. But in reality you weren’t a lover of the hills like Heathcliff, you aspired to be Mary-Kate and Ashley and didn’t understand why you weren’t brought up in New York. Aren’t you lucky to have such cool, considerate parents…
13. WHO even are you?! Every new face came as a surprise because you know EVERYONE in the village. You became suspicious upon seeing a fresh face, questioning their motives…
14. There is literally no point in styling your hair. The second you step out onto the windy moors it’ll blow all over the place and ruin your snazzy new do.
15. Having people over seemed like fun, until…you realised you literally had nothing to do, no where to go, no Wifi or signal. So if you can’t prank call your mates, have an successful MSN sesh with your crush or pop to the cinema, what are you meant to do?! But fear not, your lovely mother has prepared you an extensive list of countryside activities, a lovely country walk or visiting the local corner shop for a selection of out of date sweets from the 60s…
16. Being lucky enough to have a party but nobody can get there. If you were lucky enough to be able to throw a house party, nobody could come. Nobody’s parents were prepared to make the commute to drop off and pick up their drunk-on-WKD teens. Come to think of it, maybe my parents did it on purpose? I thought they were fab for letting me throw a party, but they probably knew nobody would come. *Suspicious eyes*.
17. Campouts > Underage clubs. Under aged clubs are not a thing in your rural area, so campouts in the suburbs were your only option. Besides, why would you want to boogie in a sober club when you could get white girl wasted with a crate of cider in the middle of a freezing cold field?
18. The liberty of family walks is a regular occurrence. Do you really want to spend your Sunday traipsing around a local reservoir? Nah you’re alright. But oh no, it wasn’t an option, was it? It was a compulsory family activity to ‘get out in the fresh air’ because of course it’ll ‘do you good’. It certainly didn’t do your hangovers much good…
19. Your MSN would crash mid conversation with your crush. Just as you awaited the dreaded answer to the all consuming question; ‘Who do you like??’…The internet would crash. Guess you’ll never know the truth.

20. Takeaway troubles. Domino’s does not deliver in your area. Neither does Pizza Hut. You can forget the cheeky Nando’s deliveries. No chance.

21. If it snows, you’re stuck. Alone. Friendless. Whilst all your friends who live on the local estate sledge together, you’re isolated once again. Thanks Mum. Thanks Dad.
22. You were desperate to move out. But when you did and you could hear actual traffic and police cars from your flat and there was a queue and like actual real life people everywhere you went, you desperately wanted to return to your unknown little village.
23. But given all its flaws, you secretly love it. Moving back home for a nice, peaceful, social media free weekend is secretly your safe haven, your guilty pleasure. There’s no place like home.
I originally wrote this article for Pretty52, which you can find here

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