Freaking out! Digital test take apart-ers I...

Am i being unfair to my H?

Posted 06/18/2018
I don't want to get into the details of all the ways my MIL (mother-in-law) has boundary stomped because that would take all night.

But the gist of it is, she made me feel like I had my son for her. I felt like once the baby was out of me, I ceased to exist as anything other than a surrogate of my son and future kids.

My son is 8 months old and I've hated my in laws for 8 months. I've not the the confrontational type. I relied heavily on my husband to stand up for me. I cried to him at the hospital, when we got home and every few weeks.

I would try to deal with it on my own. I would repeat over and over again that no matter what MIL (mother-in-law) does, she can never replace me. I told myself that shes doing it out of love, etc. I tried to talk myself into being ok with her controlling behavior.

But then i wouldn't be able to hold it in anymore and would break down in tears to my H. I just feel so bad. It's awful feeling like someone is trying to take your child away.

I tried to explain to my husband exactly why I am upset. I've tried for 8 months. He doesn't get it. He yells at his mom after I talk to him. He tries to make it better.

But that's not good enough for me. He thinks I'm just possessive and a helicopter parents that won't share our child. I try to explain that I'm not comfortable with another person thinking they have the same rights to my child that I do.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't get why I'm upset and I cant explain it anymore. I've been trying for 8 months and i appreciate him talking to his mom. But I'm beginning to hate him for not understanding that the reason why I cant stand his parents is because they're trying to be parents and not grandparents.

And I hate him for that and I cant help it. How can I explain it better??? Am I wrong to hate him when he is trying?

But nothing changes and every day I just hate his parents more and now that feeling has moved on yo him. And I don't know how to control this.

MIL (mother-in-law) sees my son twice a week because shes daycare. I know that needs to stop soon. But its such a fight with my H about sending LO (little one) to daycare. .

I don't know. I don't know how to get my feelings under control. I'm consumed by hatred and I'm so miserable and sad.


Comments (98)

Posted 06/18/2018
1. You’re a new Mom. This may have triggered PPD. Maybe time to see your doc and have an honest chat.

2. Your husband is a dick for not keeping his mother in her grandma role

3. Daycare. Tomorrow! Just do it.

4. Your husband is a dick for not putting you first and giving you what you need to be a happy healthy Mom

5. Your husband is a dick for calling you names like helicopter parent.

6. He’s your child. You’re not required to “share” him with anyone.

7. Your husband is a dick for forcing you to share like MIL (mother-in-law) is some kind of third parent.

See a pattern here?

IWise OwlAwesome Friend

In Omnia Paratus

Posted 06/18/2018
Get different daycare immediately. Start implementing the word "no" with MIL (mother-in-law) every time she starts to do/say/ask something that makes you the slightest bit uncomfortable.

And no, you are not being unfair. Your husband should be protecting you and your child. He should be understanding. He needs to do better. Your husband is absolutely failing you and your child.

Last edited 06/18/2018

That really sucks. I'm sorry you're going through all this. MIL (mother-in-law) definitely should not be daycare. This would be my hill to die on. She needs less contact with your family or at least you and your son until she can stay in her lane. Minimum 6 month TO for me and if my DH (dear husband) was being a jack ass he'd be couched.

ETA I have fat fingers and really long nails 

NO! MonsterFirst RunIRainbowTop Commenter

2012, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2019

Welcomed our Twinless Twin 7/14/2019 @ 37 weeks

Posted 06/18/2018
Oh and in answer to the question in your title. The only one you are being unfair to...is you.

Cut yourself some slack and let’s see what this board can do to get you moving again.

IWise OwlAwesome Friend

In Omnia Paratus

Posted 06/18/2018
Oh and also...

In answer to your screen name? Does it End?

Yep, pretty much as soon as you find your inner Momma Bear and let her out.

Be the bigger bitch if you have to in order to be heard.

IWise OwlAwesome Friend

In Omnia Paratus

Last edited 06/18/2018

What is she doing that you dislike so much? Does he dislike it as well or does he agree just to make you happy? In an ideal world what would happen with him and your MIL?

I suggest talking with your doctor about your intense feelings, this may be part of PPD.

Jessica (42)

Married to Chris (45) and mommy to Madison 6/09 and Jackson 4/12

Posted 06/18/2018

You need new daycare.. and you need a break from MIL. For you. For your child. Possibly marriage counselling if your H will fight you on either of those things.

Feed MyselfFirst BirthdayFirst RunFirst ClimbFirst Step

Posted 06/18/2018

You say it will take all night, but the board has time. It might feel good to just say it out loud so to speak.

Posted 06/18/2018

After you set up the new daycare, let your husband know that the "free" child care was too expensive for his family. The health and well-being of his wife is far more important than "free" childcare from an unsuitable provider.

Top HuggerAwesome Friend

Posted 06/18/2018
What is she doing that you dislike so much? Does he dislike it as well or doe...
Honestly it all goes back to when LO (little one) was born. I had a difficult labor and ended up having emergency csection. I also had some complications from surgery that left me very weak for almost 2 months. During that time, my MIL (mother-in-law) happily took over and she continues to take over.

We set up LO's bassinet next to my side of the bed. I was bed bound during this time but because he was next to me, I was able to see him and hold him. My mom and MIL (mother-in-law) took turns coming over to help watch LO. The difference was, my mom would leave LO (little one) next to me and only take him when I asked her to for diaper changes and such. MIL (mother-in-law) took him the second she arrived and wouldn't give him to me. I felt like she took advantage of the fact that I didn't have energy to leave my bed and therefore couldnt stop her.

This sick period also occurred during Thanksgiving and Christmas. My in laws live 15 minutes away from us. My H and I offered to have them over to our house. That way I could also participate. But they refused to and my H ended up taking LO (little one) to their house for both holidays while I was home alone. The worst was Christmas because my in laws insisted on having LO (little one) from morning to night. My H dropped him off their their house and spent the day at home with me alone. It broke my heart they took my son on his first Christmas. I have so much anger still.

By the time I recovered fully, I only had a few weeks of leave left. I wanted to spend that remaining time at home alone with my son. MIL (mother-in-law) wouldn't hear of it and insisted on coming over several times a week and taking him from me. When I explained to my H that I wanted the time alone, he told me to stop being selfish and to share.

Once I started work again and MIL (mother-in-law) became partial daycare, she acted like she was in charge and knew better then I did. She told me how often to change him, how to dress him, when to let himsleep, when he needs to be fed, what to ask the doctor, etc. She would tell me what my son liked or didn't like...as if I didn't know. All of those things wouldn't bother me as much if I didn't have that past with her you know? But it's there and I don't know how to move past it.

My H knows all this and he tells me I need to move on and that I need to be nicer about his mom, etc.

This thread is napping.

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