Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Scribbles in my notebook

I was recently at the doctors office for what feels like the 15th time this month, so much so that I have read all the magazines, twice.  Today however one cover caught my eye. It was the People magazine with Sandra Bullock on the cover and it read "Woman of the Year".
Really?  Sure, she went through some serious crap, with her tattooed spouse cheating on her, but I don't think that she should be crowned "Woman of the Year" because of it.
Hell, I should be the woman of the year for my husband NOT cheating on me.
I would like to know what the criteria is for this "title".  I'm assuming the thousands of Islamic women who are suffering because they have their genitalia mutilated or millions of other women around the world who are starving, abused, prostituted or worse, just ignored, were not eligible.  According to this, Sandra, a successful wealthy actress who adopted a baby and had a husband, who was a loser anyway, that left her should be admired by all.
Not that I am any different than any other working mom around this great country, but I believe that I could represent that title, respectively. 
First of all, I'm thankful that I am allowed to work.  There are several places around the globe where I couldn't.
Yesterday, I was sitting in an meeting, having a battle with my eyelids to stay open. We had an agenda, and everyone was sitting in a circle.  The meeting was important, don't get me wrong, but sometimes I think these meetings that last 90 min. could be condensed into 20 min. if everyone would just stay on the subject, even me who had collectively 3 hours of sleep prior, due to a dog, a baby and watching " I shouldn't be alive" before I went to bed.  As I started to take notes, I happened to open a page in my notebook that my 3 year old must have also visited some point. It had purple marker scribbles all over it, just this single page, no others.  I sat there looking at the page and my mind began to wonder.  His small art said so much more than even the smartest person in the room.
I tried to continue in the meeting but my mind drifted and my heart hurt.
Its the moments like this that come out of no where. If I were at home and saw this, it wouldn't have grabbed my attention for longer than a couple seconds. But at this moment it was all I could think of.
I wondered what he was doing, if he wondered why I wasn't with him.  If  he was napping, or eating or crying.
In spite of my inner battle between what I believe should be my life and what is, I maintained a professional composure.  Not really different than any other day.
I have heard that being a stay at home mom is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. And I must humbly disagree.
As I work, I am continually torn between the well being of my boys and the well being of my job.  When someone is sick and I can't be at work, I wonder if co-workers think that its pleasurable for me to take a day off to "relax" at home.
In my head, there are battles on either end that I just won't win.
When I returned to work, I went back into the office to have my boss follow me like I never left, I hadn't even shed my coat to return to my working character.
As I put my coat on the hook a little sparkly pink heart fell out and attached to it was a little bite size chocolate. The heart said  To: Mommy from: Parker
He had snuck this into my pocket. It was just what I needed, to know that even though I may question my ability as a mom on a regular basis, that my 7 year old knows enough to make such a thoughtful gesture and restore my confidence one chocolate at a time.

1 comment:

  1. This made me tear up. Clearly from your posts and pictures, your boys know EVERY second of every day they are loved.