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I'm living in your letters.. Breathe deeply from this envelope

Tuesday, April 13th, 2004

Time Event
all i can see in your eyes
is the guilt that consumes
every glance, my heart dies
all i ever wanted was you

why did you have to go that day
to see her since she called you
i didnt think itd turn out this way
but obviously, as usual, i was wrong

you up and left me without a goodbye
not even a note to say what happened
i thought you ran away or even died
but it wouldnt matter to you anyway

if this was your plan from the start
then why did you let me fall so hard?
you took all my love and broke my heart
without even an ounce of regret within

i was blinded by love and fears
still in denial that you were at fault
waiting for you to wipe away my tears
but you're not coming back tonight

i know i will eventually move on
stop waiting for your one last call
its time to grow up, be strong
i just cant stop wishing for you

thinking of you all the time
i want you so bad it hurts
always sobbing, beginning to whine
but one day, ill be over you

hopefully that day will be soon
and in the meantime, find someone new
then ill know my heart is not doomed
to forever be in love with you

flahflahflah. i got boredd

Current Mood: thirsty
5 ||x
I know I hurt you. I know I caused you pain. But I'm not sorry for anything I said. You were slowly killing me and I can't let me die. I can't let go of Kelsie til I let go of our relationship too. Call me rude, but you were my replacement. You were the new person telling me what to do. I can't depend on you anymore. It won't work. It can't work. I figured out who I was over spring break and I'm not giving that person up. If only you'd seen me laughing yesterday. Yet the whole time I was practically ignoring you because I didn't want to face the pain I knew I was about to cause you. And so before I drug you along on this path any farther I had to let you go. Right now you miss me, but soon enough you'll hate me. And one day hopefully you'll realize that I needed to do this. I can only imagine how much your friends will hate me..but I'm not really the unhappy person that everyone thought I was. I was only doing what people expected me to do, just like I've done all my life. Kelsie told me who to love and who to hate. She told me how to feel and who to be. You told me who to love and who to hate. You gave me ultimadums if I didn't feel like you did. You tried to make me into a mini you. I don't want to be you! I don't want to constantly be falling apart! That is def. not who I really am. So be hurt, hate me whatever you want to but nothing about what I said is going to change. You have to let me go.

Signed, Sealed and Delivered.
Miss Independent

Current Mood: busy

i love you. thank you for running after me last night. and staying with me too. i really didn't think you would. thank you for seeing us together in the future. thank you for putting up with my adolescent shit. thank you for calling me beautiful, even if it's not true. thank you for trying to raise my self-esteem. thank you for introducing me to music. thank you for believing in me. thank you so much for everything.

fuck. you're bleeding. WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING?! oh. good. your finger. don't scare me like that. god.

i'll continue this later.

dear you,


i was so pissed last week and it turns out SHE wasnt even my main problem. funny funny.

now you're going out with someone else...totally random. its like you switch favorites by the week or something.

i am SO two weeks ago...

you remind me of a slutty whore.

a really HOT one though.

i still like you...just not as much. eh, i dont want to be so emotionally involved. that kinda stuff seems to ruin me. im glad im not hurt by your new g/f however. its like i was prepared and now its nothing.

oh and you can come back to me when you two break up. plzzzz. i still like you. you can use me all you want.

and just b/c you are going out with her dosent mean we cant talk anymore...right? feel free to talk to me sometime in the hall or class. anywhere.


Current Mood: pleased
3 ||x
Why now?
Four years ago, this would've been easy. It would've been everything that I'd dreamed of. I would've gone with stars in my eyes and not been so scared. But now, it's all different. Now you're asking me to jump, when you know that I rarely, if ever, do. I'm not good at taking risks, or taking chances, and I'm never sure which are worth it. You're asking me to give up everything that I've known for so long for the possibility of you. And I know you're not really asking, but you're there offering, and that's the same thing. No, you're not affirmatively asking me to do a damn thing, and you say that you're not going anywhere, but that in itself is challenging me. Because I know, whether you believe me or not, that it's only a matter of time before someone else comes along and snatches you up -- hell, they'd be stupid not to. And I won't be responsible for you turning down a good thing because I can't make up my mind. In a way, I wish it would happen, because then it'd be easy. There would be no choice, nothing to consider. It wouldn't be so f*ing hard. But of course life never works the way you want it to, and here I am faced with a decision.

I can't get you out of my head, and I can't forget the things you've said, and just the way I feel when I'm around you. I try to, so that I can make a decision that's mine alone, but I don't know if that's possible now. You tell me to worry about me and not you, but I can't, because I care. You tell me that you should be with a person you want to be with, not one you need to be with. I'm learning the distinction. The problem is the two aren't the same people. Hell, I'm not even sure that I need anyone anymore.

So the question becomes who do I want to be with, if anyone. And I wait for the bolt of lightning that will never come, and the revelation from G-d that is a figment of my imagination, and listen to the rain falling outside, and hear a guitar riff over and over in my head -- one that I can hear from you, from you playing. And I'm so tense and uncertain it makes me physically ill. And I know in my heart of hearts that even though I'm still with him, you're the one who would make me smile, and he's the one who would make me cry. And oh, how I hate to know that it's true.

I saw him last night and fell asleep on the couch, and when I asked him to hold me, it was awkward and strange, and he immediately started falling asleep. Meanwhile I touch you and you nearly crawl out of your skin. It's an ego boost, for sure, and I need one right about now, I need to feel like I'm worth something, that I'm attractive and special, and I feel that way when I'm with you. But I need to feel that way about me all by myself, I need to look in the mirror and like what I see, not because of what someone told me, or how they reacted, but because of how I see myself. That's what I'm working on, and that's what I need to do before I can get my head on straight.

There are so many questions I wish I could ask you, but then I'd be making the decision for the wrong reasons. I need to make the decision for my own reasons, not because you're finally in love with me, or falling for me at the least. And as much as hearing it from you would make it easy, I can't do that to myself. Because whatever happens between us, I'd still have to live with me in the end. I paint all these pictures in my head, and I end up hurting myself with them, but with you, I don't have a picture painted, and maybe that's just what I need. Maybe life is trying to surprise me for the first time in a long time, and maybe I do just need to learn to let go. But I'm not ready yet. I don't know when and if I will be. But I'm trying.

Current Mood: crappy
.:: planes mistaken for stars- where the arrow went out ::.
if i make it home with what i have left i'll never ever leave again.
and i don't know if it was the weight of your words or the way you said my name.
[say my name.]
that sent me packing.
i stagger away.
if i never see your face again it won't kill me half as much as it will keep me alive.
[keep me alive.]
two hundred fifty miles and i still can't shake the thought of your place.
the thought of you.
the smell of you.
the smell of your house.
the thought of your face
dear god if you actually exist,
why can't i love me? why do i sit there hating who i am? i can't ignore my looks and it's not even my looks anymore, i can't stand any aspect of who i am. i have tried so hard to do it and to love myself but i just scream at myself. i can't look at a mirror without feeling repulsed. i have turned to drink because i am trying in desparation to ignore me. it comes back worse though. i don't even know what to do anymore.

fran xx
1 ||x
Dear ***
omg why cant i get you out of my head i thought I was over you I thought I moved on but no as soon i as talk to you I remember all the good times we had and the bad times but they always turned out to be ok its not fair...I dont know I just think that mayb these 4 or 5 months was just a dream or something and I would wake up to you holding me but never woke up I never see you...and I keep telling myself you can still be friends but the thing is I dont think I can cuz i still have feelings deep down and I talk to you and miss you soo much I just want to see you see how you look how you feel...if you looked great and felt fine then i think that would put me to tears becuz that means ur not hurting becuz your not with me but Im still wraped up in you and I want you sooooo fucking much it drives me insane I dont know i guess I would feel more laid back if I was with you again cuz everything in my life is spinning out of control and I just need something to fall back and my dumb self screwed up and lost my stability and it fucking sux cuz all i rely on is my tears and pieces of paper writing out my crazy thoughts and they show how much I miss you almost 75% of my poems are made for you/about you its just never gets out of my head what would of happen if I didnt do what I did would we still be together? or would I of screwed a different way....prolly since im sooooo good at screwing up my life...well all in a big ass nutshell
Love Alwayz,

Current Mood: lonely
4 ||x

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