What I’ve learnt from the World Cup

Didn’t Our Socceroos make us proud this morning? This whole football bandwagon’s an absolute pleasure to be on. If only a few referees could climb aboard occasionally. Now, I’ve spent far more hours than is healthy watching the World Cup so far, and in an attempt to retrospectively justify it as “research” for this blog, here’s what I’ve learned about the world game during the first week and a half.

  1. Based on the two matches so far, it seems Australian players are so skilful that they can regularly foul their opponents without actually touching them
  2. David Beckham has skills other than modelling, nanny-shagging* and poncing about
  3. A Brazilian player called Ronaldinho is the best in the world, except at playing Croatia and Australia
  4. Harry Kewell can occasionally finish a big game without contracting a groin injury
  5. On global sport’s biggest stage, Australia’s football team can hold their own, but our supporters are looking woefully outclassed with “Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oi oi oi”
  6. We should seriously consider imprisoning Guus Hiddink so he doesn’t move to Russia. Let’s use those detention centres for something worthwhile for a change
  7. Argentina can win football games without needing to deliberately handball their goals
  8. America has developed its own sports because it’s completely rubbish at the one everyone else plays
  9. South Korean football fans are not concerned about perpetrating their nation’s reputation for conformity
  10. As good as he is at scoring goals, France’s star player Thierry Henry is even better at pouting and complaining to the press
  11. Brazil play football as if they were dancing the samba, according to the commentators. Which means that the samba is a dance where you throw yourself on the ground, clutch your knee and grimace in agony before getting up and jogging away once a free kick is given
  12. England seem like an excellent team with a genuine chance of winning this World Cup – but only to the English
  13. France shouldn’t expect to make the knockout rounds when they’re coached by Jim’s dad from American Pie
  14. In a bid to make the World Cup more open, Brazil have agreed to play with a large handicap. His name is Ronaldo
  15. Despite its misleading name, players in the ‘striker’ position do not score the goals for the team if they’re Mark Viduka

* Of course, that’s alleged nanny shagging. Personally I’ve always thought Becks would be far more likely to give his affections to his hairdresser

Dominic Knight

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: