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Tuesday, 28 April 2015

My Bae Requirements

Danny Castellano 

I have often said I like my men like I like my cats, with an air of indifference. Now that probably seems ridiculous and I probably seem like I'm the stereotypical 'bad boy' or 'treat you like shit boy' chaser. However, I don't think that's true. I just know the type of relationship that makes me feel comfortable from past experience. Your relationship history moulds how you view relationships and potential mates and to find the right person they need to be able to understand that history and work with it. I'm very open about what I'm comfortable with and the reason the stereotypical 'nice guy' puts my teeth on edge.

With all that being said I don't feel completely ready to divulge my relationship history and why I am the way I am when it comes to them to the masses just yet. Instead I thought I would make a list of, slightly ridiculous, completely superficial and unrealistic, requirements all future baes must meet.

1. First we'll begin with something super stereotypical just to get it out of the way. He must be tall, dark and handsome. Dark eyes, dark hair and a natural tan. Tall and lean. The kind of tall that gives him slightly bad posture. Like Matteo Rochi and Casey Deidrick

2. He must also make a good she. I want a dude that isn't afraid to get a bit drag. Preferably he'd be able to beat his mug and do my make up better than me. I want him to be quick witted and sassy. I want him to be able to read to filth and lip sync for his motherfucking life.

3. They must be able to do that sexy pulling their t-shirt over their head thing that guys do.

'Nuff said.

4. Four nicely leads us on to number 4. I like tattoos. Not just artistic tattoos. The generic ones people have picked from what they have on offer at the store etc, I like tattoos with stories. Personal ones that not every Tom, Dick and Harry have.

5. They should be able to pull off this make up and look good while doing it.

6. He must understand, enjoy, even encourage and most importantly participate in my weirdness. He also must be able to discuss at length the Dolphinocolypse, world domination, Borrowers, a bank heist, a hit and any other weird topics or scenarios I may bring up. He must also be able to embrace my love of toys. Those not in possession of an imagination or in touch with their inner child need not apply.

7. It must be understood that I don't deal with emotions well. He must be secure in himself and in us. No games, no pretences, no drama.

8. I like my men older. When I say older I mean the 100+ year old, eternally youthful, immortal, blood sucking sociopath kind of older men. You get me?

9. He must have the ability to burst into song at any random moment of the day or join in when I do. I believe life is a musical and I want someone to be able to be part of my musical. The ability to sing well is preferable but not compulsory.

10. Loving animals is a must. An absolute must. All animals. Understand that our pets are our furry babies and will be treated as fuzzy humans with all the love and respect they deserve. I think you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat animals. Especially ones seen as less desirable.

And there you have it. Ten of my top requirements all future baes must meet. I really don't think I'm asking for too much, am I? What would be on your list? The more ridiculous the better!

Anyway, if any potential baes are reading this and you think you might have what it takes then feel free to get in touch.

1 comment:

  1. Well, this bites. I just got completely smeared off this list.

    Granted, I'm older than you (by about 3 centuries). But the rest...well. Although I do like animals.

    I don't sing but I do play guitar...passionately. Music is my one worldly thing.

    As for the bad boy thing...well...been there, done that. I had hair about as long as yours (not blue tho and mine was curly). Wore a leather jacket....(ok, I still wear the jacket). I was in a heavy metal band and lived that whole lifestyle to the fullest. Broke every single rule known to man. Dug a wide path into every inch of ground I move upon. Etc, etc.

    But I learned a hard lesson. The bad boys are not like they're romanticized to be. They're cool in the movies and on tv and all but in real life it's a bit different. While that indifference you mentioned might be exciting, in the end it leaves a lot of pain behind. I'm not talking physical stuff by slapping people around or anything. But the inner stuff. I left quite a few hurt people in my wake. That tension seems cool but the pain it causes is real and it's just not worth the image you can carry around with you. When something really really hard hits you and you're hurtin', those indifferent type guys ain't gonna be there for you.

    The toys and imagination are there. Although I'd have to break out my G.I. Joe guy. (He's an "action figure"...not a doll !!)

    Not sure I really understood all of #7. Got the "no games, no drama" thing but I didn't get what you meant about dealing with emotions part. Of course I did drink a Coke this morning and the carbonation has gone to my brain.

    World domination. Now we're talking. Bank heist? I'd have to do some recon on the bank first. If they have facial recognition cameras we'd have to result to your drag make-up for disguises. Which brings us to the next point.

    Drag? You gotta understand I'm from "The South." We're the manly kind of guys. Chainsaws, car grease under the nails, guns, Bruce Lee, etc. I got hair on my chest and I always keep a bit of an unshaven/beard type thing. I dunno....I just like bein' a guy.

    No tattoos. They look horrible after they fade. And they all fade.

    Dolphinocolypse? I'll be too busy fightin' off the zombie hordes. Nothin' worse than a redneck zombie. Except maybe an inbred zombie. Now there's a thought...

    Seriously, you got a fun list there. And I gotta say you did an excellent job on this website. Great design and your titles and graphics are really sharp.

    And as I said once before, don't feel any obligation to reply to any of my comments. I know you have to stay pretty busy and I don't want 'em to be "one more thing" you have to do.

    Take care till next time Miss Bloo Eyes...



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