Shirt Stains: Asockalypse Now


Here I am! Sock you like a hurricane!

If you can put name or logo on it, bands are going to do it. If you’ve read this column with any regularity, you already know that. There is an audience for just about everything practical or impractical under the sun. Some bands are not content with just having their brand on just t-shirts, hoodies, jackets, scarves, hatssunglasses, sweatpants, gym shorts, cargo shorts, booty shorts, and other wearables. Having band merchandise that people can see is entry level. You need something more advanced, more intimate. No, not undies. Think lower. That’s right. These bands want to take you to Tootsie Town with their very own socks.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with having band socks, it just seems…well, weird isn’t exactly the right word. Oddly specific and not great at advertising? I guess that works. Your feet are (hopefully) covered by shoes when you’re out in public, so no random people are going to see what band you’re repping. If people can see these when you’re walking around, that means you’re wearing socks with sandals and the authorities will be picking you up shortly. This essentially means you’re wearing these around the house and the people that will see them already know your musical preferences and don’t care.

The internet’s favorite weedily deedilyers and perpetual “Album Of The Year” nominees that people forget about come December, Archspire have socks? Why? STAY TECH, THAT’S WHY! Maybe they assume lots of their fans are staring at their own feet in shame knowing that they will never sweep arpeggio like their Archy gods.

These foot holsters sport the artwork from the band’s album Epitaph Relentless Mutation. It’s not bad artwork. We’ve seen much worse. It just seems strange to have that agonized, crusty face across your hooves. Spread out it looks fine, but once you’re walking around, it’ll be all distorted and blobby-looking. People might even mistake it for one of those Weeping Angels in Doctor Who. No matter, though. It’s not like people will be able to read the band’s logo anyway.

These Ghost socks are fine. I really just wanted to post them because the thought of a Ghost fan putting on their special Ghost socks before using their special Ghost dildos is just funny as hell. Just the socks. No shirt, no bootleg undwear. Papa Emeritus’s pupil-less eyes gazing up at you, his lips struggling not to form a smile knowing that you have a lot of disposable income and not enough hobbies.

Behemoth sure do like putting their name on some ugly and strange merch. We’re slowly getting to the point where it may be easier to chronicle the good things they put out instead. That list would be short and much easier to manage, kind of like making a list of good Behemoth albums. Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Need some soothing aloe, Nergal? Yeah, you do.

Have you ever wanted to rep a totally evil and brutal band on your feet, but still show off your love of bumble bees? Behemoth has got you covered. Seems like an odd color choice, right? I guess it kind of matches the colors of the artwork for the band’s album The Satanist in the same way that blood pouring out your nose after getting punched matches the color of fresh strawberry jam. Apparently the sock game for Behemoth is strong as this is currently sold out. Or maybe they all were “chewed up by the dog” and oh, shucks, Behemoth and Indiemerchstore will have to write it off. Oopsies!

Bloodbath socks that look like they’ve had blood splattered on them. Or someone dropped a bottle of red nail polish. Either explanation is believable since the symmetry of the design renders any sliver of believably moot. Do people want socks with fake blood? I mean, besides former pitcher and current lunatic/allaround scumfuck Curt Schilling. Would that make known foot fetishists like Quentin Tarantino and former NFL coach Rex Ryan more or less excited. I’m sure there’s a reddit forum that probably has that answer, but I really don’t want to know.

I’d rather know what was on the sock first: the fake splatter or the Bloodbath logo? Did guitarist Anders Nystrom find an abandoned box of these outside a recently closed Halloween store and thought “Yeah, metalfans are dumb enough to pay $20 for this if we put our name on it”? Did the band have to research sock companies and make a decision, as a band, one what the blood splatter design should look like? Am I putting more thought into this than anyone else involved in the creating process. I’d like to believe that the answer to all of these questions is “Yes.”

