Ryan “Half-Pint” Pellerin


You’re at a party. Nothing particularly special or interesting is going on, more of a dinner party than a rager. You hear a few people off in the corner sipping on cocktails and discussing their jobs. You’re casually drinking your beer and hovering over the dip hoping for some good conversation to find you, but that seems quite hopeless at the moment. This party is boring, these people are boring. Then, all of a sudden you hear a car pull up, blasting “Take Me Home Tonight” by Eddie Money. Everyone around you gets very excited. “Is that him?” they start to chatter, “Could it be?” as they all fight to get a good spot peering out the window. “IT IS!” “He’s here! He made it!” Everyone erupts into a frenzy. Then, the man in question busts through the front door. “What the fuck is UP?!” he yells, with an open mouth and a backwards english paper-boy hat (also known as a fat-guy hat). The entire mood of the get-together changes, as people huddle around this man and laugh and cheer at everything he says. You watch as he makes slightly distasteful jokes, steals sips of everyone’s alcoholic beverages and repeatedly answer’s fake phone calls with salt-shaker, saying things like “Jordache? I’m ready.” or “I said the ‘57 RESERVE, you fool! NOT the ‘58! The party-goers eat it up, every last bit of it. He continues on his rampage throughout the party, doing short-quick dance moves that look like convulsions, and joking to a new father that his baby was “sexy”. You are confused and a little disgusted. You try and introduce yourself to this man several times, but he keeps rolling his eyes at you and pretending he can’t remember your name. He is truly vile, but people love him. Finally, he leaves with your ex-girlfriend. Everyone is drunk as hell. Who was this man? The man you just met was Ryan “Half-Pint” Pellerin, and he’s here to stay.