Epicenter of the Soul

This is one of those posts that I thought was never going to happen. I first had this vision two years ago, but the intensity of it was just producing too much energy, for me to do anything with. It has produced other streams of consciousness, since then, and there are spin-offs of this vision all over my blog sites. I abandoned the idea multiple times and even gave up blogging because it wasn’t doing anything, but causing me more pain, with no relief in sight. Then, one day, the reality of it hit me with full force, and I realized what I was really seeing and feeling the influence of. I wrote, “Limen into Redemption,” as a result of being able to understand how psychological triggers can produce emotional reactions in us. A limen, basically, is a boundary of perception. It is a threshold, that we may not even recognize until the intensity of something has reached a point, that we can no longer ignore or dismiss. This is where I started learning about the value of context. I am an empath, which means that I can feel the pain of others, absorb their emotions, and read the energy around them. I have been able to do this for many years, but I never realized that there was any real purpose for this ability, until it was given meaning and purpose in a world, that I was not prepared for, when I entered into it. Initially, it just felt like all hell broke loose, and that there were ripples of influence spreading out in all directions. I was no longer invisible to people, and they were seeing things in me, that I couldn’t see myself. It was very confusing and painful when people started running from me and slamming proverbial doors in my face. I was so broken, disappointed, and emptied out, by the whole experience, that I just walked away from everything I had ever wanted, believed, or expected. In the midst of all of this, I started to find access to things, that I had always felt the influence of, but never really understood the reality of. It has taken me forever to be able to verbalize what I could see and feel. So I have come up with a simple little analogy. Over the weekend, I received two weather alerts on my phone. One was a wind advisory, and the other was a freeze warning. An advisory is an official statement, that gives a heads up about something that we need to be aware of the power and intensity of. A warning is a direct word of caution, that allows us time to prepare for what is coming. I believe we should approach life situations in much the same way. Much of the misery I have walked through was due to the fact, that no one took advisories and warnings seriously, and tried to invalidate the power of what they didn’t want to learn how to effectively handle in a productive way. In this season of my life, I believe there is much that was unnecessary, and only broke my soul in ways, that wouldn’t have happened, had others been willing to take responsibility in normal, everyday life issues. Religion doesn’t make people go crazy. It is the denial of what they know, and won’t live out, in honoring, life-giving ways, that pushes them over the edge. It is the lack of accountability that makes them morally insane when they won’t accept responsibility for their own knowledge of things. And then they try to project all of that onto those that really do want to believe, but aren’t willing to just accept everything at face value. These people are the ones that will eventually develop their own convictions after their faith has been tested to the breaking point. I am not sure that those that live in denial, will ever arrive at a place, where that will happen. They are consistently trying to avoid what would make them accountable for the truth, they are trying to exploit the benefits of, without actually having to surrender their will to something greater than themselves. After years of trying to make sense of what makes no sense at all, I find the concept of an epicenter, to be an appropriate metaphor, for what narcissistic forms of religion did to my heart, mind, and soul. One of my favorite public figures once said that focus is worship. I believe that because we will start to reflect the image of whatever has our full attention. In one sense of the word, the focus is a point of convergence, where things have come together, and have allowed temporary access to what couldn’t have been possible before. In scientific terms, it can be seen as a point where things have pushed together with so much pressure, that something has broken. The place that has broken underneath the surface, will produce a visual point of rupture directly above, that sends out waves of destruction, in all directions. Basically, this is how I see the energy of those that have suffered great loss in their lives and have never been given the opportunity to heal, on a spiritually and emotionally fundamental level. When I first started developing this idea, I oversimplified it by thinking that it was just a matter of a broken heart. Since then, I have come to the conclusion that healing broken hearts is easy, compared to the reality of what happens to a broken soul. I have noticed that you can typically tell what has broken people the most, by what they are willing to talk about, upfront with you, once you have gained their trust. There is always something underlying, that tells a story, that they don’t necessarily realize the depths of. Or in most cases, they are afraid of drowning in those depths, if they don’t keep everything shallow enough to wade through safely. Either way, we will eventually have to deal with the damage that those tremors are causing, whether it be in our relationships, career, or family situations. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was on the edge of success, in the most hopeless season of my life. I had finally given up on everything that I had always hoped, believed, and dreamed of. And it was because of years of constant opposition in places, that deserved peace, and should have been a safe haven of learning, guidance, and comfort. It didn’t matter how well I did something, or how valid my points were, I was treated as though my very existence was a personal offense to those, that didn’t want to be confronted with the problems they were quietly agreeing with. At this point, I don’t care why. All I know is that I found redemption in the very places, that I found a connection with other souls, that had been treated the same way. My point of convergence occurred two years ago. In my mind, I was just done. I was tired of things never working out the way that they should have. And I was tired of everything being made as painful as possible, by people that didn’t even want the things they were trying to keep others from having access to, as well. They didn’t just go out of their way to frustrate every detail, but it had become obvious that all it was ever about was “winning” some kind of stupid prize, that they didn’t even understand the value of. It was just about having a status trophy that represented control and a base of power to them. They had lost their focus on anything, that didn’t validate their existence, which was ironic to me since they were professing to know the Source of their identity. I disengaged on all levels and stepped into a new world of possibilities, that I was completely ill-equipped to handle the dangers of. I fully believe, in hindsight, that the only reason I survived that season at all, was because of the grace of God.

What really intrigues me is how scientists find the epicenter of an earthquake. They triangulate, by collecting date from three locations, to see where it intersects. It is the convergence that allows them to locate the point of where the most damage will occur. Basically, they track patterns to find the origin of the damage. This is interesting to me because, in human relationships, this is exactly how an unhealthy mind tries to keep from being detected in their own chaos. And it is called, “triangulation” in psychology, too, when someone involves a third party in their dirty work, to keep their hands clean. I have seen this done so many times, that I just want to focus on not being a point of self-destruction myself, that creates collateral damage, which is what tremors do.

I believe that it is the defining moments in our lives, that could bring us back into the moment, that originally broke us. And with that realization, we can know how to respond differently to the same pain we see in others, that will change the course of things, that keep repeating an unspoken, and sometimes an unconscious pattern. We forget what we haven’t been allowed to remember, without being slapped around, and told that we were, somehow, the problem, that couldn’t be resolved. I believe that we will find what we are looking for, eventually. And, sometimes, it finds us, when we are in tune with the frequency of the souls that are also sending out the same signal. That’s how any network works, being able to carry what allows connection and communication with others, in ways that are, sometimes, a lifeline of survival.

I love music. It has always been my therapy when no one else cared to understand. I have always been able to find someone, somewhere, that gets it, and is writing words, that bring some light into dark places. I created the “Parallax in Flux,” because of the inspiration of a musical artist, that calls himself, “Interface.” In the digital world, an interface is a shared boundary, where information is shared, where people can interact with one another. It is another example of how a point of convergence can change how we see the world, and how our lives affect those that are in our sphere of influence. That is why I named my website what I did. I understood that what flows out, is always in motion, even if it changes directions, sometimes, by the boundaries it finds. I also loved the cover picture on his FB page. It is a circuit board, that has these words printed on it. “May the music that passing through this device, somehow, bring just a little more peace to this troubled world. I can get on board with that. And that has become my mission with what I write now, to bring peace, life, and comfort into places, that I share with others.

One thought on “Epicenter of the Soul

  1. Great stuff, April! I had an emotional reaction today to a memory of something from the recent past that still bothers me. This reaction, like your post described, caused me to become angry and want to get away from everyone and be alone. I know that it’s okay not to be okay. Thank you for your words : )


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