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Typical neckbeard wallowing in self-pity.
Dr. Neckbeard.

A Neckbeard (also known as a neard, a portmanteau, or the bloatee) is the strange under-the-chin hair growth only seen on fatties, drug addicts with a messianic complex and UNIX programmers. It is derived from the "Abe Lincoln" (not to be confused with the sex move as the neckbearded have no relation to sex). The purpose of this beard is to delineate the neck from the chin when the two have merged due to obesity, forming a bullfrog neck. Wearers hope it will make them look like a badass from Hackers or The Matrix, yet it merely reminds observers of fucking chin lack.

A neckbeard is to beards as the comb-over is to hair. It is never, ever cool.

"Neckbeard" can be used to refer to both the facial hairstyle and the people who wear it.

All neckbeards are Dungeons & Dragons-obsessed losers, and vice versa. It is not known at this time whether growing a neckbeard causes one to play Dungeons & Dragons or playing Dungeons & Dragons causes one to grow a neckbeard.


Visual Clues

  1. Fedora
  2. Trenchcoat
  3. Overdressed
  4. Greasy hair
  5. Ponytail
  6. Acne at any age
  7. Dyed hair
  8. Shitty beard
  9. Pedostache
  10. Wears all black or wears all red

Audio Clues

  1. Crunching of Cheetohs or crinkling of wrappers.
  2. Heavy mouth breathing (Up close)
  3. Nasally voice
  4. Ranting about shit nobody cares about
  5. Occasional burp or fart
  6. Tipping of his/her's Fedora
  7. Reciting of Richard Dawkins books



Behold the Holmesbeard!

Chainsaw Beard

Like the neckbeard, the Holmesbeard is made of hair that does not go very high on the face, but that is where the similarities end. The Holmesbeard is worn by men such as John Holmes, who had a foot-long cock; made millions by fucking over 9000 bitches and teaching them 'bout his dick; had a foot-long cock; was skinny as a rail; and most badass of all, had a foot-long cock. Hence, Holmesbeard wearers are the extreme opposite of neckbeards and should be confused with real neckbeards as often as a neckbeard will get you laid. Anyone who confounds the two is a fucktard.

What to Do If Someone Calls Your Holmesbeard a Neckbeard

Don't you ever talk that way to me. Nevar!


—The Captain telling you not to mix up the Holmesbeard and the neckbeard


Unlike the neckbeard, the Chinstrap style beard consists of a thin band (strap) of facial hair that goes from one sideburn, under the chin, and up to the other sideburn, for no apparent reason other than to dish out a cheap round of the LULZ to everyone apart from its owner. No hair is on the cheeks, or the neck. The 'pre-pubescent boys' neckbeard', the Chinstrap exists to make the wearer menacing and/or manly. It never works. Worn by those who cannot grow a full neckbeard, the chinstrap is either closely cropped to the face, or let to grow wild and free, proving the unadulterated manliness of the fag who wears it.

Many photographs of chinstrap-wearing pedophiles, furfags, gamers, wiggers, and other Internet trash are primary examples of Internet disease. The camera angles take advantage of the magical concealing power of the chinstrap to hide the bulbous pouch of fat underneath the chinstrapper's chin, for example.

It is a well known fact that kids with neckbeards get way more pussy than men with real beards.

Although not by much, a Chinstrap is preferable to a neckbeard, like a kick to the balls is more preferable to hitting your cock with a hammer.

Failbeards Gallery

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See also

Neckbeard is part of a series on Dying Alone

[DeadCry yourself to sleep]

Poemo.jpg Those Who Have Died Alone


Those Dying Alone


Their Methods


is part of a series on
Gods & Methodology [-+]
High Priests [-+]
Denominations & Organizations [-+]
Followers [-+]
Sheeple & Heresies [-+]
Accessories & Related Concepts [-+]