This is so ridiculous I can’t parody it

OK, Steve provoked me into coming back. He sent me something enraging. Irresponsible. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
I know three specimens of South St. Louis White Trash who’ll be waiting in line to buy their copies at some midnight sale. They live in a large, fenced estate, locked and posted. There are signs saying they have alarms, although that’s not true. They do have guns though. Lots of no-trespassing signs too. And if you value your life, you’ll take them seriously.

They hoard guns and cars. They only venture out to buy groceries, and for the occasional trip through a restaurant drive-thru. They trust nobody. The outside world is a conspiracy. Everybody’s against them. They don’t trust each other either, for that matter, but they mistrust each other less than the rest of the world, so they mostly put up with each other.

Their idea of balanced news reporting is Rush Limbaugh. They un-balance him with harder-right-leaning people like G. Gordon Liddy. The government is a vast conspiracy. I think they might have tried to tell me once that the X-Files is actually a documentary. They did tell me the national park system is now owned and operated by the United Nations, in order to promote and fund one world government.

Yeah, I think Steve found a book these guys will like. It’s leftist, so it’ll balance out some of the right-wing stuff, but it’s wrought with conspiracy. And conspiracy theories can get so far out there that rightist conspiracy can flip around and touch leftist conspiracy. And vice-versa.

You see, according to this thing, Sept. 11 never happened. Nope. You’ve been duped by the government and the media both. Those supposed hijackers aboard those four planes? They’ve been spotted in the months since. (I wonder if they were hanging out with Elvis? Or maybe Kurt Cobain. Cobain’s alive, you know. Wait. No, wait. Cobain was murdered. I’m having trouble keeping my conspiracies straight.) The Pentagon was struck by a U.S. missiles, not an airliner. The planes that hit the WTC towers were operated by remote control. It was all a plot by a right-leaning government to find an excuse to increase military spending.

Now, never mind the mising airplane and the people inside. The author of this–umm, do I really have to call it a book? After all, I wrote a book, and I’d really rather not have anything in common with this guy. I mean, it’s bad enough that we’re both carbon-based and breathe oxygen. And if I find out we have the same blood type or something, I’ll really be mad. OK, OK, the author of this garbage which happens to be sold in stores that sell books says he can’t account for the missing plane. He hasn’t had the recources to investigate his theory.

I’ll bet he didn’t even bother to ask Billy Joel his opinion, which seems to be the defining attribute of a journalist these days. OK, just a CNN journalist. Not that I care what Billy Joel thinks about current events. Now, Aimee Mann, on the other hand…

Where was I?

Oh yeah. And they say America is the land of opportunity. Here’s this flunky with a wild theory. He can’t prove a word of it. Hasn’t even started to research it. But somehow, he gets a book advance so he can write out all of these wild allegations. And then the publisher actually goes through with wasting all that ink and paper and glue? Then it sells 200,000 copies? And then, adding insult to injury, someone thinks enough to take the garbage, translates it into English from its original French, and releases it in the States?

I’m thinkin’ France is the land of opportunity, baby! Time for me to go get one of those $995 lessons-on-tape sets, change my last name to Croissant, go find a publisher and spew onto some paper! Ooh la-la! Just wait until they hear Dwight Eisenhower met with space aliens in 1954!

Only problem is, when you do this kind of thing, as Ms. Mann would say, I know there’s a word for it. So now I know what I can call this, since I’m loathe to call it a book.


And I’m no fan of litigation, but I hope the parties wronged band together and sue French author Thierry Meyssan for every dime he’s made off his piece of libel.

6 thoughts on “This is so ridiculous I can’t parody it

  • August 22, 2002 at 7:59 am

    Hi Dave:

    While I agree with you here that the premise of that book is absurd, the fallibility of mankind (and thus governments) has caused atrocious events to occur.

    One such event, whose ten year anniversary was yesterday, can be read about in this brief article which summarizes the incident with facts that are not in dispute by anyone, so far as I know, and exemplifies what can happen even with the U.S. government when the government seeks to promote its own agenda and protect its own, instead of serving the true interests of its citizens:
    Remember Ruby Ridge
    Ten years later, there are still important lessons.
    By Timothy Lynch

    Dave, I’d appreciate your reading of the above article and comments.

    When stuff like Ruby Ridge, Waco, IRS horror stories, Clinton’s shameless behavior, some of Ashcroft’s actions, etc. are indisputable and stomach turning to any person who tries to behave in a moral and ethical manner, it is, for better or worse, not too hard to se how both left wing and right wing conspiracy theoroists feel justified in their parnoid beliefs.



  • August 22, 2002 at 4:09 pm

    Sure, governments act irresponsibly because people act irresponsibly. And anyone who’s worked with any significant number of people knows that the people who want power the most are usually the ones who are most likely to abuse it.

    I’m not a card-carrying Republican, and when the Republicans run a wacko candidate (which often happened in Central Missouri when I lived there), I’ve been known to break ranks and vote for the Libertarian or an independent. I’m never one to advocate big government, and I’m not one to defend government very often.

    But I can dig into any organization and find a lot of despicable acts. The executives of Enron and WorldCom pillaged their companies, making themselves rich, and hanging their employees’ retirement out to dry. If you want to go back a few decades, both IBM and General Motors had a very embarrassing relationship with Nazi Germany.

    Conspiracy? Hardly. Just plain and simple corruption. What to do about it? Well, if something the government does really bothers you, screaming conspiracy doesn’t do you any good. But you can write to your two senators and your representative. That’s what they’re there for. Be sure to remind them of that, and tell them you’re not afraid to vote for the opposition if you start to feel like they’re representing someone other than you and your neighbors. I don’t write my congressmen often, but I get responses when I do. Someone reads that stuff.

    Next, go find a civic-minded journalist. Mike Royko made a career of writing about wrongdoings by companies, city, state, and federal governments alike. Call attention to the problem in a way that will make people listen. Royko wrote with a righteous anger, yes, but people enjoyed him because he just told it like it was. He gave the facts, and when something was ridiculous he just called it ridiculous, and he found the humor in the situation. So people paid attention to him. And the guy got results.

    The real problem is that the masses aren’t concerned about issues. As long as their congressmen keep sending the pork home, they’re happy. Energize a big enough bloc of people, and you can change things. Look at Gingrich and the Contract With America. It was short-lived, but lingering. But you won’t energize a big bloc by gravitating towards extremes.

  • August 22, 2002 at 7:23 pm

    Hi Dave,

    * They did tell me the national park system is now owned and operated by the
    * United Nations, in order to promote and fund one world government.

    Well, not quite as they put it, but it’s closer to the truth than it might at first appear. Here’s some further reading on the subject of UN control over US lands, the so-called “Wildlands Project”:

    By all means, feel free to draw your own conclusions :-).

  • August 23, 2002 at 11:50 pm

    Sounds like a plot for a hollywood movie..

    gadzooks, it was…

    The long kiss goodnight…

    rogue cia agents plot to blow up something big, a whole american state from memory, in order to get more funding..



  • August 25, 2002 at 9:20 am

    So maybe Meyssan would say The Long Kiss Goodnight is actually a documentary, since the government is required by the Constitution to disclose everything it does, but it makes it look like fiction to cover it up anyway. Hmm… Hmm…

    I think I need to embark on a second career as a conspiracy theorist. I might be good at it.

  • August 25, 2002 at 3:07 pm

    Dave, your forgot two points on the family above that I have no knowledge of, or have ever met.

    1 – The Blue Team


    2 – “Get on the floor! They’re shootin’ at us!”

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