Friday, January 9, 2015

Online Dating and the Sensory Deprivation Tank

I spent a considerable amount of time alone last year. Most of that time was healthy, I think. I was in my head for a significant portion of my solitude...introspection, self-reflection and ridiculous day-dreaming. At some point, I identified that I was beginning to over-think my feelings and behavior. I felt it necessary to figure out why I was irritated or upset for no apparent reason, and sometimes the answer should just be left at "because you are a human being."

Around that time when I decided to quit analyzing everything, a thought occurred to me: you might need to interact with a female in a quasi-dating capacity. Huh. Shit. Is that really necessary? I mean, my current situation is just fine, isn't it? I already have someone in my life that is my partner in crime and fills any void, isn't that right, Sid?

She said nothing.

A good friend of mine recommended online dating, specifically OkCupid. He had met his wife on there, which surprised me because A) I didn't think that actually ever happened and B) he is an admitted asshole that I just assumed was not date-able. (I presided over their wedding, so keep them in your thoughts and prayers.)

I've been wary of online dating, but not because I was afraid I would meet someone crazy. Truth be told, crazy is pretty fun...destructive, but never a dull moment. No, I was afraid that the dating site would deliver what it promises. "We're going to find the perfect match for you!"


Yeah...I don't want the perfect match for me. I'm a retired alcoholic/drug-addict stand-up comedian dishwasher with a felony who skateboards everywhere in his 40's. Who do you have that matches up perfectly with that? A one-legged kleptomaniac who dips and works at Arby's? If I'm going to date, I want to meet someone way better than me...who has really poor judgment. I think that is what dating is all about, actually: finding that special someone who makes the poor decision to give you a chance.

A real dating site sounded like an investment, so I looked at Tinder first. I had been avoiding it for a while as it's just a "hot or not" hook-up app, which is fine if you're 20-something, but seems ridiculous for me. However, you can't just say, "I'm too old and mature for Tinder," and then ride off on your skateboard exclaiming, "Wheeeee!"

I uninstalled it after a week. Turns out develop empathy and feel guilt for swiping left on a person while watching their photo drift off to oblivion with "NOPE" on their forehead. Also, I prefer long profiles to read and not an "About Me" section full of nothing but emojis.
", does the picture of the plane mean you like flying planes?"
"No, silly! Travel!"
"Ah. Is there an emoji for 'fuck your idiot hieroglyphs'?"

Side Note: I set the search parameters on Tinder for women ages 24-44. I thought that was reasonable. And Tinder, which is 100% superficial has no moral core whatsoever, looked at my settings and said, "24. Really, John? Hey, how about we try a woman in her 30's, what do you say, you creepy old man?"

So, it was on to OkCupid. This site and others like it have been around a while, and there are plenty of pieces written about them and many stories shared online. It's well-worn territory, so I'll just go into how much I suck at communicating on them. I read numerous complaints in profiles about how guys just message "hi", "hey" or "sup" and expect that to be an acceptable initial message. I decided to go the exact opposite route and send manifesto-style messages. Why? Because I'm a chatty idiot with no apparent filter or concept of restraint.

"Hey there. So, I'm not sure why we're a 93% match but 14% enemies. It's really vague, you know? Shouldn't OkCupid's algorithm be helpful and say, 'you guys would have a great time just don't have a conversation about cats vs dogs or whether 14 sexual partners is a small or average number.' Weird...'OkCupid' is considered misspelled on their own I don't trust them to have their shit together. Anyway, you said you're interested in personal growth and balance. One thing that I found helpful was complete self-destruction, which gives you a place to start from after everything is gone. This one time..."

I've been told this is not a very effective way of initial communication with someone who doesn't know who you are. So I've been trying to find a middle ground between too brief and manifesto. Things like:

"Sup. Do you find daily joy in life to be fleeting?"

"Say ever read Nietzsche?"

The other thing I've noticed is that as soon as I was aware of how many awful, pervy and psychotic men are on OkCupid, I started trying to take that into consideration in my interactions with women on the site. Yeah, don't do that, because overcompensating for creepy is creepy itself. Nothing makes you sound more like a serial killer than trying to come off like you're not a serial killer.

"Would you like to get coffee...during the a crowded public place...where you'll be safe?"

It's a work in progress. Right, kitty?
Still nothing.


Fellow comedian Lashonda Lester recommended Zen Blend to me when she shared her experience in a flotation tank. A sensory deprivation tank is a soundproof, light-less tank of salt water that is heated to skin temperature. You lie on your back in it and float weightlessly, and it frees up your mind to do...whatever. It allows your alpha/beta brainwaves to convert to theta brainwaves in longer sessions. I don't know what that means, but I wanted to demonstrate that I still know how to use Wikipedia.

Lashonda said she did it to work on her writer's block, and that appealed to me as I hadn't felt very inspired recently. Also, I've passed the point where psychedelics are an option for mind expansion. I figured the isolation tank would be like taking meditation to another level. And it was.

I picked an unfavorable time to go, because it was 40 outside and high winds. Zen Blend is over a mile south of Slaughter Lane and Manchaca, so to get there from east Austin requires two buses and a healthy skate from the most southern bus stop in Austin. It was like a pilgrimage. They had everything ready for me when I arrived, though. All I had to do was put ear plugs in, shower ahead of time and then get into the tank for 90 minutes. 90. That sounds like a long time if it sucks, I thought.

When I first got in and started to float, there was about 10 to 20 seconds of panic, because I was holding on to nothing. My control issues went absolutely ape shit. Despite beginning to freak out, I "remembered to breathe", and the panic went away. The first 20 minutes had soothing music, and then there was silence for the remaining time. That first half hour was all about allowing my breathing to deepen and my mind to quiet down. You can't make yourself stop thinking about shit, you just have to let it happen. Alan Watts said it's like trying to "smooth rough water with a flat iron - you are just going to disturb it all the more." So, I let it happen.

It was over before I knew it. The last 45 minutes felt like maybe one or two. I emerged from the flotation tank completely relaxed and a bit spaced out...and I remained in that state for the rest of the day. When I left Zen Blend and walked outside, the sun had finally come out, and I didn't even skate back to the bus stop. I just strolled, not even bothered by the wind.

How effective was it on my mood? I had a smile on my face on the bus ride. On the bus. I'm pretty sure I creeped everyone out. Even the chatty homeless man didn't say a word to me.

Now, here's the deal about experiencing insight and epiphanies: they are usually very obvious points that have been in your blind spot. They mean the world to you, but when you try to tell someone about them, they look at you like, "Uh, yeah...everyone knows that if you eat better you feel better." Regardless, here are a couple of things I experienced:

I couldn't help but be reminded of growing up in an old house with a clawfoot tub, and there was always a sweet spot while taking a bath when I would just float in the tub, without a care in the world. I realize now that it was when the water was skin temperature...that was that short window of bliss before it became cold. That was a very comforting memory that I thought was gone but was unlocked in that tank.

About 4 or 5 times during the session, my foot or hand touched the side of the tank due to slowly drifting in the water. When that happened, it would be a subtle reminder that the only thing that was real was the tank. Everything else I was experiencing was all in my head. And boy, did that make for a great metaphor for my life. I can spend so much time focusing on things that have no real substance and that are made up. Occasionally, I need to touch the side of the tank and be reminded what is actually real to me...what in my life has meaning. Everything else is just details and fluff.

And that brought me back to OkCupid, oddly enough. Why am I trying to alter my behavior to make myself seem like more of a charmer? Do I really want to go out on dates with people who like a modified me? I mean, sure, sometimes I need to work on my filter...or do I? Be yourself and see what happens. I'd rather have little to know response being completely me than greater success on my "best" behavior. "Hooray! I won you over! I'm completely uncomfortable, I dislike you immensely but at least I'm not alone!!"

A friend told me that some people are successful with online dating by treating it like a job interview, which could not be less appealing to me. The idea of establishing any kind of relationship based on a resume, how well you dress and how you answer ridiculous questions is as unnatural and miserable to me as trying to get a job you hate just because you want more money. No thanks. Sometimes you have to take a job you don't have to participate in relationships you hate.

I'll be going back to Zen Blend next month.