the bitter old man had a book

the bitter old man had a book

here take a look

yeah, so? it’s a book an almanac I didn’t
know they still printed these anymore

look at the indicia page read it


look who printed it

they’ve been around a long time

have they, now? read it carefully


ever hear of that company before?
that precise name?

so it’s an imprint of a larger house
happens all the time –

it’s not!

[let’s settle this / whip out phone / look up name]

okay, I don’t get a specific match for that name –

and you never will

still, it’s a recognizable company

look at the date

next year so?
lotsa companies print books with
the following year’s copyright date

look at the book
not the contents
the book itself

[a lot of mileage / beaten/scuffed/weathered/faded / decades old]

studio prop

read the contents
pick any at random

okay, somebody went to a lot of effort for this…


…art project…?  
question is: 
how did you get it?

I found it brand new sixty years ago

…and you’ve had it all this time?


you had a almanac from next year
back when you were…what…twenty…?


[quick flip through / find lists / historical summaries / sport champions / wars / inventions]

must’ve been quite a temptation to use this
to place a few bets
make a few investments

[a bitter old laugh / the most bitter thing about that bitter old man]

there was no temptation!
to be tempted you have to be torn
between doing or not doing something
I plunged right in

okay, so why are you here?

meaning where is my fabulous wealth?


[vague gesture]


I was a janitor working days to go to night school
wanted to amount to something
found this book in an empty apartment
the tenants just up and vanished in the middle of the night
nothing unusual about that
lots of folks skipped out on their rent back then

…and they left this book behind

sure did
brand new
the spine creaked
when I opened it

so what did you do?

I thought it was a joke, of course
but hey I could spare a few bucks
put a bet down on the world series
put that money on a heavyweight fight
won that
bet on football

must’ve made a bundle

I did, but nothing compared to my investments
got in on the ground floor of several big deals
saw wars ramping up, invested in military contractors
sank a few bucks in movie production,
record labels
did well did
really well


while making most of my money from investments
I kept my hand in with bets
just for fun
for “old” times’ sake
placed a bet on a horse
she didn’t win
shook me at first but then
my next bets all paid off
so I figured it was either a typo or
maybe somebody complained
and years later the commission
made a decision that took away
the original winner and
gave it to somebody else

like the Tour de France scandal?

I have no idea what you’re talking about

skip it
go on

so I placed other bets
most paid off some didn’t
but that wasn’t the worst part
the worst part came
when people started doing things
the almanac didn’t mention

such as?

what’s that in your pocket?

[pulls out smartphone]

didn’t see that coming
didn’t see a lot of things coming
didn’t see certain politicians get elected
didn’t see certain inventions come out of nowhere
didn’t see certain discoveries get made because
had enough spare change lying around
to actually build a prototype

how do you figure?

had a wife
had a brother-in-law
he liked to bet, too
saw how well I did
gave him a few tips
he did well, too
told his friends
I figure somewhere along the line
one of those bets paid off well enough
for somebody to sink a few bucks
into a political campaign
or take a chance on some crazy kid’s new invention
know what you don’t find in that almanac?
home computers
the internet

there’s an entry here on
computers in the index

big computers
business computers
computers for the military
for industry
for universities
not one in every asshole’s pocket

so people started inventing stuff
not found in the almanac…?

-- and they changed the future
or at least changed this time stream

sounds like you did a lot
of research on the topic

wouldn’t you?

point taken

near as I can tell
I upset the equilibrium
by letting people acquire money
in my time stream
that they wouldn’t have acquired otherwise
this led to investments in things
that almanac didn’t cover
enough of those investments
succeeded to change things
[again that bitter laugh] 
should’ve never let
my stupid ass brother-in-law
in on my secret

maybe you changed it yourself
[blank look] 
maybe you invested too early
maybe you put money into businesses
before they would have received
it in this book’s original time stream
surplus capital means
more chances
to try more things out


[a long pause]

…so…can you help me out…?


the book
wanna buy it?

[for what?  too complicated a joke
for a conversation piece]

you tell an amusing story, old man
for that I’ll give you two bucks 

two bucks?!?!?

I run a pawn shop
not a literary agency
take it or leave it




© Buzz Dixon

thanx to Alfred Bester for writing "Of Time and Third Avenue" the 1956 TV anthology series Conflict! for adapting it, and YouTube for making it possible to watch with the stroke of a key…


(updated August 11, 2018)

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