Posted in October 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 5

Title:         The Relationship

Author:     Sarah W.

Once there was this girl named Sarah and she had 2 WEIRD friends named Olivia and Shanna. And they were friends since kindergarten. They loved sleeping at Sarah’s house. And Sarah’s maid was named Brian and her pink limo driver was named Ryan (they weren’t very good). They got paid 1 cent per hour which was okay to them because they’re happy if they get into any kind of job because many people thought they were bad at the jobs they wanted to get. Anyway, so Sarah invited Livie and Shanna over to spend the weekend at her Mansion they said okay. Sarah lets them have whatever they want whenever they want and because of that they were called the rich and popular crew. Livie wanted to go bowling, and Shanna wanted to go to the YMCA to go swimming so I said okay we’ll go to both. So when we were bowling the score was really close. Sarah had 367, Shanna had 370, and Olivia had 368. I know that in bowling we can’t get more than 300 but we’re better than that 300 rule. We wanted to win but who ever won, the other people didn’t get mad so at the end Shanna won the game. Then we went to the YMCA and the people there called us queens of the dolphins which meant we were very good at swimming.

5 thoughts on “Story # 5

  1. Sarah, I really liked this! I think you have a good start, but you could develop your characters a bit more–what do they look like? How did they become friends? And you want to be careful with point of view. You start the story saying “Once there was a girl named Sarah,” but at the end you use “I.” It just makes the story a little confusing. I thought that your story was very good, and I would love to read more!


  2. What a fun story! Sarah, sounds like a great main character, and a really nice friend! You’ve created a very interesting cast of characters too, like her two weird friends, Ryan, the limo driver and Brian, the maid. You’ve also used cool places to describe the scene. I can imagine the pink limo, the mansion, and the bowling alley. You could make these places stand out, and be even more realistic for the reader by giving each place some detail. How long is the limo? What does it feel like to be riding in one? How many rooms does the mansion have? What’s Sarah’s favorite place to hang out there? Was the bowling alley noisy? Was it crowded? How about the pool? See what I mean? By answering those questions, you can make the reader feel like they’re really hanging out in those places! You’ve created a really great start to a story. I bet many readers would love to read about a girl and her best friends having an amazing sleepover like this! Well done. I hope you write more because I’d like to know what happens next!


  3. What a great story. Maybe you could expand on the maid and Limo driver, Brian and Ryan. Are they twins? I think bowling and swimming make a very interesting story. I hope you will write more.
    Robert J.


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