Is It Bullying?

Updated on November 11, 2013
J.R. asks from Fraser, MI
23 answers

Hi everyone,

My son is 10 and in 5th grade. There is a boy in his class that is always criticizing him. He says things to my son like: stop doing that Steven, when my son is messing around with his pencil; or today he said: Your so messy when you eat, pick up your crumbs. Unfortunately whenever he says something to my son, his friend says "yeah steven". So now he has two people picking on him instead of one. My son has mild aspergers and is not great at sticking up for himself. I have mentioned this behavior to the teacher and she talked with this boy. He stopped for a few days but now it is back on. My son hates it. It is affecting his self esteem. I wonder if this is considered bullying or if it is "normal" kid behavior for 5th grade. Do I keep interfering and talk to the teacher again or do I give my son time to handle it on his own?

Thank you in advance,


Also we have not told my son he has aspergers, we are doing that in a few weeks, so his class does not know this either. Just thought that was worth mentioning.

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answers from Washington DC on

J. - I don't consider it bullying. I consider it a child TRYING to annoy another child. Some will consider it bullying.

Where is the teacher in all of this?
Why is the child correcting another child's behavior?
Why is the teacher not paying more attention?

I would go to the school and talk with the teacher AND the principal. Tell them what is going on and make them aware of the situation.

Good luck!

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Houston on

Are you son's table manners lacking? Be honest. If so, model good eating manners. The boys may stop verbally saying things to him, but silent treatment and isolation are also forms of bullying. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

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answers from Grand Forks on

My son would be the kid telling him to stop messing with the pencil and to clean up his crumbs. Not because he is a bully, but because he dislikes distractions and is grossed out by messy eaters. He tells his little brother these things every day. My son didn't eat lunch for several weeks straight because he was seated across from a kid who chewed with his mouth open. He told the kid every day to chew with his mouth closed, but it didn't change. I had to go to the principal and have the seating arrangement changed. The teacher may need to change the seating arrangement in your son's class.

10 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

Kids are pretty honest about pointing out behaviors they find annoying, and it sounds like this is what's happening here.
I don't think it's bullying, I think your son needs to learn how his actions affect others, and I think the other boy needs to be more sensitive to your son's issues.
Hopefully, between you, the teacher, the other boy's parents and the boys themselves you can work it out.

8 moms found this helpful


answers from Jacksonville on

I agree with the poster below who said that it may be that his behavior IS a problem for this other child, not that the child is trying to bully.

My son is easily bothered by someone fidgeting, or the ticking of a loud clock, or ____ if the room is quiet, it is a distraction. He cannot do homework if his sister is anywhere nearby and making ANY noise. It's hard.
Same thing with the food. He has a weak stomach for anything gross. He threw up once walking by our dog's bowl. He just caught a whiff of it just the wrong way. He cannot sit in front of someone who eats with their mouth open, or has gross things visible. He will not be able to eat.

The other kid may be "piling on"... but I wouldn't call it bullying.

It might be best if the teacher moved one or more of the kids so that they are not seated by each other, however.

But if your child has poor table manners, that needs to be addressed. If it is poor table manners, it won't matter whom he is seated next to. They won't like it, either. Though they may not be as vocal about it.
(I am NOT saying that it IS your son's FAULT. Just that there are 2 sides to every story... and maybe the other kid is trying to be proactive about a difficult situation for HIM.)
Good luck.

6 moms found this helpful


answers from San Francisco on

I think you should role-play responses with your son. Even with Asperger's, he can learn some snappy comebacks to the other boys, that will effectively shut them up. If he doesn't have confidence, role-playing will be very useful. He needs to actually practice, out loud, so that he will be comfortable talking back to them.

5 moms found this helpful


answers from Richland on

It is normal behavior, it is easy to get your son's goat and at that age they love getting each other's goats.

Have you asked the teacher to change his classroom assignment. Maybe if they aren't sitting next to each other it won't be so easy for him to keep bugging your son.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Dover on

I think it is somewhat normal especially if your son "messing with his pencil" is distracting the boy or others in some way. The issue with crumbs can just be a case of they've noticed he's overly messy and leave the crumbs for others to pick up. Because it keeps happening, and especially if it escalates, it could become bullying but I'm not sure it is at this point.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

I would not consider being negative or critical bullying.

4 moms found this helpful


answers from Baton Rouge on

It's annoying, but it's not bullying.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Atlanta on

Funny - I say that to my kids all the time. Stop fidgeting. Take a normal sized bite so you don't get crumbs everywhere. Clean up after yourself when you eat.

3 moms found this helpful


answers from Chicago on

Whether or not it is actual "bullying" if it is bothering your son and negatively affecting his self esteem then it needs to stop. My opinion is that you should start by talking about it with your son. I'm assuming he's the one telling you about this happening. Take advantage of these moments. Ask him how that makes him feel when this other boy says those things to him. Ask him what he could do/say next time. Help him solve his own problems by guiding him through the situation. If necessary, give him an example of what he could say, i.e. You're not the teacher and if I'm bothering you, then maybe you should sit somewhere else." I don't know if that's the best advice, but talking with your son, the two of you can come up with something that he'd be comfortable and confident saying to this child. I think if he stands up for himself, it will stop. Of course, if it continues or escalates then you shouldn't hesitate to intervene yourself but I'd start by helping your son learn to advocate for himself. Good luck! :)

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Oklahoma City on

I'd tell the teacher it must stop now. That he is entrusted in her care for those hours and she needs to address this now. He may need someone in the cafeteria to be aware of this too.

If he had a 504 plan with the school this would be one of those issues that would be written into their responsibilities.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Los Angeles on

I don't think it's "bullying," but it needs to stop.
Seems there are always kids who think they're "in charge" or "helpers" for the teacher.
Yes, I would email the teacher to let him/her know this is happening again,
But I'd also empower my son to respond effectively to this know-it-all when it happens.
Your son needs to know that while this kid is a classmate, he's not "in charge of him." And role play with him so he can express that himself.
Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful


answers from San Diego on

If it were one thing here and there I would not consider it bullying. But if it is constant and consistent then yes, I would consider it the beginnings of bullying.
The kid is intentionally going out of their way to find something that bothers your son and keeping at it. This kid is constantly looking for anything negative to say to or about your son. Just like constantly picking at a scab. It never gets better and it always bugs the person.
It is extremely easy for this kid to keep at it and find more and more things to pick at.
I grew up with this from the time I started kindergarten until we finally moved to another school district just before I started high school. Everyone brushed it off as me being the problem, not the kids picking on me. I finally snapped and bad things happened, I will not go into details at all.
Your son will need to learn how to deal with people, some of them unpleasant, but some people are just that degree of too much and those are the ones you need to be diligent about and nip in the bud before it gets bad. This kid sounds like he is working his way to being something worse along with his friend that is encouraging it.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I don't think it is bullying. The term "bully" is thrown around way to much.

He is at the age when other kids will say something to him if he is bothering them. Heck, I have been known to tell my daughter to eat differently so she does not make such a mess, stop fidgeting around, etc.

Kids have a way with working on each other. For instance my daughter had a friend who was little miss perfect as far as her room and everything was in order. My daughter has not been that way all of her life but when that friend happened to see my daughter's messy closet and said something, my daughter was embarrassed and you know what... she cleaned that closet and to this day, keeps things in order.

If the behavior is bothering your son, he needs to tell his friends to STOP.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

This is not bullying from what I can tell. It sounds like you do need to teach your son to say "please don't say that anymore" or something of that nature. My dd had a team mate that constantly was bossing her around. I finally told her to tell her that she wasn't her coach and she would only do what the coach said. Can't he sit somewhere else? You can talk with the teacher again...maybe they can be separated.

2 moms found this helpful


answers from Anchorage on

It sounds like you are doing both your son and the other students a disservice by not letting them know about your sons diagnosis. Maybe if this other kid understood that there is a reason behind your sons behaviors then he would not pick on him? I would tell your son about his condition and then talk to the teacher about it as well right away.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Washington DC on

Hi. It sounds like the other child is talking to your child like his parents talk to him....Hmmmm...but now to your child. I would alert the teacher to 'guide' the other child to treat his peers more kindly and with more patience. I am sure he is with this way with everyone.

Good Luck. You are an awesome momma.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Dallas on

I think things will change after you tell your son about the Aspbergers.
Then the teacher will have some leeway to turn the situation around and shift the dynamic of the class. There are usually some kind of social skills classes in schools that will help your child monitor some of his own behaviors, too.

It might be a relief to your son to know that there is a reason that he has some trouble recognizing and reacting to social cues.

The other kid will have to be told that his behavior is unacceptable. It is unkind to do what he is doing but not really bullying.

A teacher can't be having to monitor every conversation of 30 kids. She's only human.

1 mom found this helpful


answers from Seattle on

My 10 year old was diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD last year. We told him right away and explained it all to him. But, that was OUR choice.

Sounds like normal kid behavior....for now. If it keeps going though it can very easily turn to bullying.

I would strongly suggest you get him into a martial arts. My whole family does ATA (American Taekwondo Association) Taekwondo. We get a quarterly magazine and in every one there are stories about how Taekwondo has helped kids on the Autism Spectrum.
If you click on the Schools tab at the top, you can find schools close to where you live.


answers from Hartford on

That's not bullying. It's critical, sure. It's not worded the nicest way, but it's not bullying or even picking on him. It's pointing out that your son is not the tidiest eater and the other child is noticing. By ten years old, most children are aware of the etiquette of eating around other people ie. nice and neat and tidy and if they're not, they're responsible for cleaning up after themselves.

Obviously, our children that have Autism can often be a little delayed in these niceties of dining. Sometimes it's issues with personal hygiene. Other children noticing and pointing it out, seemingly from your description not in a mean way just pointing it out, is not bullying.

What I would do is help your son be more aware of his own personal space and that others notice it, and help him with his eating habits and manners. The thing here is that he doesn't notice his own manners and the visual effect.

Food habits are so difficult for our amazing Autists. It's not about changing your son, just helping him navigate and reinforcing basic table manners... and not teaching him that what the boys are doing is "bullying" him or that he needs to defend himself or that you need to interfere or defend him either.

Explain to him that there is etiquette when you eat even when you're alone. There is etiquette when you eat with your family. There is more formal etiquette around other people in public. Practice at home together and include making sure he cleans up after himself. Explain that people his age don't always know how to say things politely or to keep words in their heads. It's not excusing the boys' impolite behavior, but explaining it.

Please also know.... I have been there and done that, wearing the t-shirt and still go through it. My beautiful little autist needs reminders about cleaning up after herself with these basic hygiene issues that we've been reinforcing since toddler-hood and she's almost 11. She's had hurt feelings from other children pointing out a bad manner or two, but with guidance she's learning. But she gets easily hurt feelings because she doesn't always know how to interpret other people's words and behaviors.

Does my heart break for her when things like this happen? Yes. It's so hard to teach her self-awareness. We have Her Bubble and Other People's Bubbles. We talk about how Other People will notice Her Bubble, and she needs to learn to notice Other People's Bubbles and learn why other people say and do certain things. As we do that, she learns to self-modify by choice.

In our case, we have never, ever kept it from her that she has Classic Autism. She knows the reason she has some differences, but she's known long enough that she's proud to be an autist and perfect the way she is and that we don't ever want her to change... we only want to help her through the tough spots. So she embraces it.

Talking these things through, whether he knows about his Autism or not, is imperative. Helping him work through his feelings and how to problem solve, maybe helping him script responses that are polite and thought out, will help him feel more secure. Helping him tidy up his meals will also help him feel more secure. Practice practice practice... and he'll feel secure and confident and he won't NEED to defend himself.



answers from New York on

Normal behavior. Definitely not bullying. The word bullying is now used for every little behavior. Maybe do some role playing with him. This way if it
happens again, he will be prepared.

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