

CEOs, stop calling your staff family (but do read this parenting book)

Rachel NicklessLeadership Online Editor

It's become a thing for chief executives to claim their employees are just like family.

Virgin Australia's chief executive John Borghetti told Boss magazine late last year "you keep your mum and dad arguments [aka management and union disagreements] separate from the kids, you encourage your kids or your employees and you try to give them hope".

Nev Power, Fortescue Metals chief executive also declared late last year that his employees were a "family", albeit one like the outback family he grew up in, where members were expected to pitch in.

Virgin Australia chief John Borghetti cares about his staff, but they are definitely not his kids.  Barry Smith

I'm not buying it. Leaders at all levels should care about their staff, but unlike family, running a business is not about unconditional love. That was highlighted by the fact that Power had to make 700 of his employees redundant in 2014, and abolish family-friendly rostering, as iron ore prices continued to take a tumble.

Unless you're happy to part with a kidney for any one of your employees, or at very least part with solid sleep and watch innumerable reruns of Dora the Explorer, don't go equating them with your kids.


The big mistake when talking to kids

Having said that, the best book on management that I read in recent months wasn't on management at all – it's a parenting "bible" from the US first published 35 years ago.

The book's called How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk, and it starts by explaining the number one mistake parents make when dealing with our offspring; we tend to launch into advice or directives and deny what our child is feeling because we think they are being ridiculous, or we are trying to reassure, cajole or protect them. ("Go to sleep. There's no monster in your cupboard.")

The same goes at work in tough situations. It's tempting to launch into a solution or advice when a colleague comes to you with a problem or is in distress, or to deny what they are feeling because we don't agree with them or we want to defend ourselves. Why is this a bad approach? How calm do you feel if you're infuriated about something and somebody says "just calm down"?

Instead, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish recommend in their parenting book that you listen with full attention and show that you are doing so, then rephrase what your child just told you in a way that shows you understand how what they are saying and how they feel, without repeating exactly what they said. Then ask open-ended questions. You don't need to agree with your child that there is a monster in the cupboard, but you should accept they are feeling scared.

Kids, kidnappers and colleagues have a few crucial things in common.  Getty

From colleagues to kidnappers

This might seem so basic it's insulting, but it works on children. I've also come to see it works with adults - including me. And these adults don't necessarily have to be reasonable ones. As US blogger Eric Barker notes, the strategies in How to Talk So Kids will Listen are pretty much the same as the ones that FBI negotiators use when dealing with criminals in hostage situations.


The FBI developed the "Behavioral Change Stairway Model" with five steps to getting someone else to see your point of view in a crisis situation. It involves: 1. Active listening; 2. Showing empathy (you get where they are coming from); 3. Developing rapport; 4.Exerting influence (using the trust you have built to problem solve with them and recommend a course of action); and 5. Behavioural change (this is where hopefully you see hostages fleeing the scene and white flags being waved).

Empathetic listening only goes so far. But it's a mistake to move straight to trying to influence people or fix a problem, especially when the person you're dealing with has to be part of the solution. Emotions matter. As soon as we feel that people don't accept our feelings we fail to listen properly or be fully open to other ideas; we're too busy thinking up a comeback.

Asking open-ended questions rather than launching into advice mode can also encourage the person with the problem to start thinking of their own solutions. And perhaps you'll also come to understand their situation better too.

Challenge the label

Another golden piece of advice in How to Talk so Kids will Listen involves challenging children's perceptions of themselves, or roles that they are acting out in the family. If a child refers to herself as naughty, for example, the authors suggest that you tell them you don't see it that way and give a concrete example of some recent great behaviour.

At work, how we label ourselves or others can also hold us back. Are you really a tech dinosaur? Or are you somebody in need of a bit of training who has proven over a lifetime at work that you can pick up new skills and adapt to a changing environment? Help somebody change the label they have given themselves and it's easier to embrace a growth mind-set.

Explicitly referencing How to Talk so Kids will Listen while talking to colleagues will come across as just as patronising as a chief executive who likens his staff to his kids. But it's still worth reading the book. We may not like to admit it, but we all have plenty in common with a five-year-old.

Rachel Nickless is a leadership columnist and an online news editor. Based in our Melbourne newsroom, Rachel has worked for The Australian Financial Review for more than 10 years. Connect with Rachel on Twitter.

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