Donald Trump has always been a rich man. Indeed, despite his carefully cultivated image as a financial impresario, "The Donald" (file that under "How to tell if you're an asshole: Referring to self in third person") earned his money the old fashioned way. That is, he inherited it. And somehow the fact that he or his enterprises have declared bankruptcy on three separate occasions has not prevented this country from viewing him as a titan of industry, a brilliant financier who can fix America with the same brilliance that made him a billionaire.

People see Trump this way not because he is a modern J.P. Morgan but because many years ago he became a living, three dimensional version of a cartoon rich guy. He is the closest real-life equivalent to Scrooge McDuck, combining the soullessness of an American plutocrat, the ego of a WWE character, and the class and aesthetic tastes of a Saudi prince. Trump is Tony Montana in Scarface, the man who surrounds himself with the gaudiest, tackiest trappings of wealth he can find and then wonders why no one respects him. As comedy genius John Mulaney notes, Trump is less rich guy than a 1930s hobo's idea of what it would be like to be rich:

John Mulaney – Donald Trump
John Mulaney Comedians Stand-Up

But so what? There are thousands of rich guys with inflated opinions of themselves. And why now? These are not new developments; Trump has always been a sad, vain excuse for a human being. He has a long track record of assholery, such as his "Lynch the bastards" attitude toward crime and punishment and his well-documented misdeeds as a landlord and developer. But 2011 was the year in which his pathological need for attention suffocated whatever bits of restraint or good sense were rattling around in his oversized, oblong skull. Thus he made several months of our lives nearly unbearable this past year with his ludicrous, insincere foray into presidential politics for no reason but to get the media and public to pay more attention to him. No, not in the context of a campaign. Just in general. He did all of this to make himself feel important.

Many observers were surprised when Trump threw his hat into the ring of Republican presidential hopefuls. Nothing about Trump's politics had been particularly right wing in the past. In fact, he had to change his position (compared to just a few years ago) on nearly every current political issue in order to pitch himself to the GOP faithful. It struck remarkably few talking heads (or viewers) as odd that a fiftysomething man would have such an all encompassing change of heart, and it soon became apparent that his plan to avoid questions about flip-flopping focused on spewing forth as much lowbrow, pseudo-populist insanity as possible.

While never previously one to support fringe conspiracy theories, Trump discovered that spouting Birtherism garnered him significant attention – much of it negative, but he ain't picky. So he quickly reinvented himself as Mr. Tea Party, the ultimate Obama Skeptic and champion of all things nutty in the realm of foreign or economic policy. His stream-of-consciousness dialogue was so bizarre that even most right wingers wondered about his sanity, as when Charles Krauthammer described Trump's idea to invade Middle Eastern nations to take their oil as "the stuff you expect from a guy in a bar at closing time with slurred speech." He became buddy-buddy with leading conservative nutbars like Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. And the media ate it all up.

Already enamored with Trump the Celebrity because of his popular reality TV series, the Trump presidential talk dominated the news cycle for months. Each day he sent the media into another frenzy with his latest, craziest sound bites. He polled well for a while, suggesting that some portion of the public might seriously consider the idea of voting for him. Then, as abruptly as his potential candidacy erupted in our public consciousness, he declared that he would not run after all. Some of us speculated that Obama had embarrassed Trump out of contention by providing his full birth certificate, which was no doubt humiliating to the newly minted Birther. The truth was even more shameful, though: the whole idea of a presidential candidacy was fake. It was a cheap publicity stunt for his stupid TV show and for his own ego gratification. His announcement of his initial intentions and later his withdrawal from consideration coincided remarkably well with the beginning and end of the spring season of The Apprentice, a show wherein the bloated asshole fake fires washed-up celebrities for, um, "entertainment", if you can call it that. Here's a fun by-the-numbers breakdown of exactly what TrumpMania subjected us to for those months, which might otherwise have been more bearable.

Oh, and of course he's still trying to be relevant in the GOP field and we can expect him to get more vocal about the idea of an independent candidacy when a new season of The Apprentice needs the hype. Trump took an already circus-like election atmosphere and somehow made it worse. We expect the worst candidates (Bachmann, Alan Keyes, etc.) to do this, but we also expect that they're doing it because they want to win the presidency. For Trump, it was nothing but a long promotional tour for the Trump brand, which amounts to little more than his face – with its ridiculous hair, beady snake eyes, and mouth like a puckered asshole – basking in the glow of cameras and microphones.

So kudos to you, Donald Trump. You are an asshole nonpareil. In a year stuffed from stem to stern with cocksuckers, you unhinged your jaw like a snake and managed to outdo them all.


  • Interestingly, Trump is usually referred to as the "reality tv star" *not* as a billionaire by Australian media. So it appears that even Australian media doesn't take him seriously.

  • The best of 'em is still a walking verification of Sturgeon's law. Gotta' vote though, "Otherwise the wrong lizard might get in.".

  • Very nice takedown, Ed. His "mouth like a puckered asshole" looks like something Santorum frequently egresses.

    The Top Part by John Mulaney is the best comedy album of 2009.

  • c u n d gulag says:

    I can't argue with the selection. Trump is certainly most worthy.

    I just have a problem with the name of the award.

    I'm not gay, but I don't feel that there's nothing wrong with sucking a cock. While you are in that act, you are, by definition: a cocksucker.

    I have been the recipient of that act on some of my best non-gay dates – included among other fun stuff, where I gave instead of receiving.

    So, having said that, how about renaming it, "The Festering Pustule on the Anus of Humanity Award?"

    It may lack some zip, but it's a pretty accurate description.

  • Hey, lay offa Michelle! I said it before and I'll say it again: 15 minutes of a "concession" speech and didn't stop for a single breath. i want a date!

  • Good choice, Ed. I liked Lawrence O'Donnell's point (on The Last Word, MSNBC) that Trump seems to need his TV show for the money, in spite of all his protestations to the contrary, for what other self-styled "billionaire" would bother? If he were indeed flush with cash, would he really need the few hundred thou (certainly not the "million" he predictably brags about) the network paid him? The need to gratify his miserable ego would be outweighed by his bank account and other, more creative ways of getting attention.

    He's probably one paycheck away from another bankruptcy, overborrowed, overextended, overbloated.

  • I always enjoy this award.
    And that comedy routine about an alleyway hobo defining Trump's life plan is brilliant.

    (And I don't have anything of substance to add…but his mouth is *not* like a puckered asshole. It's like a prolapsed asshole, isn't it? The lips extend out. Nope…still, nothing of substance to add.)

  • Cheer up, Newt – your forthcoming Nixonian meltdown might put you in contention for '12, as a victory lap to cap off your long career of asswizardry.

    Don't forget, you can run as an independent! I assume you still have The Donald on speed-dial – as of yet, he's conceded nada, and still makes Throazine Shelly look dignified.

  • One of my best friends is a conservative — of the country club, not the frothing Jebus variety. We have conversations about issues, and we agree something like 95 percent of the time. And I don't mean I agree with right-wing looniness; we talk reasonable solutions.
    Then, after a lengthy conversation, he will say something like, "we need Donald Trump as president to straighten things out." And he was crazy about fucking Palin, because she was "hawt."
    I don't get it.

  • A Babe of the Boom says:

    Why are you defaming cocksuckers?

    However, I must say, that I agree with your choice of Donald "The Grump" Trump for worse person of the year.

    Oh, and c u n d gulag? "Mickey Spillane Conservative"? Love it. Stealing it. Gotta make it go viral.

  • so, c u n d gulag, in order to be "hawt" a woman has to be flawless and have the skin of a 20-year old? I am no fan of Sarah Palin, but that photo you link to shows her to look her age. Granted, most of the photos we see of her are retouched and make her look a good deal younger than she is, but here you are stating that a 50-something woman actually looking her age could not be "hawt." Not cool, man–and certainly not realistic.

  • I've always said that Trump was a brilliant businessman because he came to one critical realization if you want to make a lot of money in this country: You have to be a cocksucker. Part of his business plan is, indeed, filing for bankruptcy. I've had people at my work place seriously say they'd vote for him if he was an option. To which I respond, "You can always write him." Their response: "I don't want to waste my vote." Eyes cross, my eyes that is.

    A most excellent COTY award. May the Spring semester be more rewarding than your last which doesn't sound too difficult to achieve.

  • c u n d gulag says:

    Sorry if I offended.
    I didn't mean to.
    As an over 50 male, no one's ever going to confuse me with a GQ cover boy, unless, of course, that "G" stands for Gut.

    But I look for beauty in the soul.
    So, no matter what picture you show me of her, she ain't gonna be "hawt." :-)

    And besides, I was referring to the Rick Lowery-like juvenile-crush crowd, who may worship Margaret Thatcher, but doubt they'd put a poster of her up on their wall next to the one of Sarah Palin winking that gives them the starbursts they need before they can finally lay back and get a good nights sleep!

    And as for anyone who likes my "Mickey Spillane Conservative" line, you don't need to steal it – I've just liberated and set it free for you.

  • I never thought Palin was all that "hawt".

    Is it because she looks like the 1950s housewife that these guys all wish they had?

  • Comedy-writing insider tip! The hard "K" is broadly considered the funniest consonant in the English language. Funniest-word nominations often go to "ker-plunk," which has two of them. "Cocksucker" has three. Therefore, I consider it a funny pejorative, despite my boundless affection for many actual cocksuckers.

    I have a special loathing for The Quitter. There are better reasons to mock her than her rapidly diminishing MILF-tasticity, but I simply can't come to her defense, ever.

  • "He is the closest real-life equivalent to Scrooge McDuck"

    As a lifelong fan of Ducktales/Disney comic books, I gotta say you're being WAY too hard on Unca Scrooge, who made his money through decades of work, was media-shy, and had a pathological fear of wasteful spending.

  • Slander or fact?

    The Grumpy One claims he has never, ever (nor any of his entities) filed for bankruptcy? Is he just lying or lawyering the point (or is there any difference)?

    He actually extracted an 'on-air' apology from one of the talking heads about the subject.


  • I only had one problem with this. You said '…a fifty something man….'. I re-read it 4 times to make sure you were talking about Trump and I'm pretty sure you were. He's 65.

  • c u n d gulag, I know you didn't mean it the way I took it. Which is why I commented. I am certain Sarah knows that all those MSC's get hawt for the MILF, so she makes sure her photos are re-touched and she is fully made-up for all appearances. She's trying to look younger than she is to bolster her "hawt" factor and sell books to MSCs, which is more offensive than any comment you might make here.

    bb: I don't know. The Google tells me the following entities have filed for bankruptcy: Trump Plaza Hotel; Donald Trump personally (twice); Trump Hotels and Casinos; Taj Mahal Resort; Trump Entertainment Resorts. Now some of them may not have been under his direct control, but I am not sure how he can deny he filed for personal bankruptcy twice.

  • @mothra

    Sarah Palin looks her age in that photo? Maybe if measure her age in hooker years! She looks 47 in a vodka in a coffee cup sort of way! Maybe that picture was taken in 2024 and transported back to today. Based on that picture, she gets into the movies at a discount!

    Rimshots all around!!!!

  • I agree that you should change the name of the award. As a cock owner, I LOVE cocksuckers. I don't love Donald Trump.

  • I second the motion for a renaming of this award. And not for the reasons already detailed here. Ed's on the right track with the award's name; "cocksucker" has never been a term of endearment – at least, not where I come from. I've been known to use the word on occasion (usually preceded by the word "rotten"), but never to discuss an affinity or aptitude for fellatio.

    No, the name needs to be changed because awarding the "Cocksucker
    of the Year" award to Donald Trumpo does a disservice to all the "real" cocksuckers out there (who are justifiably pissed by this, I'm sure). It just doesn't sum up the magnitude of his foulness – it rings a bit hollow to my ears, I guess you could say.

  • Paul,

    Perhaps cocksucker-ness, like badness, comes in degrees. One bad person can be far worse than another. The one's badness merits far more disgust than the other. Yet they are still both bad.

    Similarly, one cocksucker may be far worse than another. Yet they are still both cocksuckers. The guy who cut me off in traffic is a cocksucker. But Trump is the ultimate cocksucker. It is a difference in degree. But it is a vast difference. That sounds plausible to me.

  • You design a thousand buildings, but you suck one cock, and do they call you an architect? Noooooooooooo………

  • I was thinking Trump was a stupid person's idea of a rich guy, a la the description of Gingrich as a stupid person's idea of a smart guy. The video clip was great and so was Ed's essay. Back in 2000, I seem to remember Trump testing the waters as a Reform Party candidate for prez and floating the idea of a wealth tax in which he personally would have paid through the nose. It made me think he had some integrity–don't know what happened to that guy!

    And I don't care how physically attractive Sarah Palin is, I still can't stand the sight of her!

  • Ah, the joys of semantics. In and of itself, "cocksucker" is a neutral term, unless one ascribes value (positive or negative) to the act of cocksucking. Conservative Christians no doubt disapprove, even when the cocksucker is one's good lady wife and the cock one's own.

    But presumably when we use the idiom, we refer to gentlemen who engage in fellatio. (I have, in fact, heard a woman referred to as a cocksucker, but it was intended as a crude compliment, as in "She's a helluva cocksucker.") And thus we suggest, in calling someone a cocksucker in moments of disdain or chastisement, that cocksucking is an opprobrious act. Which premise I, for one, utterly reject.

    That being said: to paraphrase Freud, the only cocksucking to be ashamed of is that which is done badly. Or for the wrong reasons. A cock sucked joyfully–with insouciance and Dionysian exultation–why, there's nothing finer! But one sucked for greed, or ambition, or some hollow, miserable motive–such cocksucking brings shame to all practitioners of the fellatric arts. Such cocksuckers are, idiomatically speaking, cocksuckers. And such are the cocksuckers chosen for this much-noted, long-anticipated award.

    To young men (and young women!) finding their way out of the thorny woods of adolescence into the world of cocksucking, I say: Go forth, young people, and suck while the sun shines! Know no shame, for there is none can attach to a cock well-suckers. But also: While you're cocksucking, don't be cocksuckers about it.

    Like Trump. Dude's a cocksucker. And I'll bet he's never *once* sucked a cock, *that's* how big a cocksucker he is.

  • Wait… Are we discussing a word that has, y'know, more than one meaning? Like, in different contexts, this word means entirely different things?

    Well, fuck me. Imagine that.

    Do y'all call your mom's gentleman companion a motherfucker? No? Do you think, upon hearing the word motherfucker, "Wow, that guy fucks mothers. Good for him.".


    Well how about we just shut the fuck up and let Ed name his award anything he likes, then?

    You pack of cocksucking motherfuckers.


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