An Open Letter to Millennial Males

“Loose Fitting” Pants

Dear Millennial Males,

Who in the hell do you think you are, flooding the fashion world with your narrow-framed bodies and your narrow-framed minds, making it impossible for generations of other males to find clothes that fit. Your propensity to seek out only the tightest fitting clothes possible, has marginalized the older generations, whose deft metabolism and toned frames are a thing of the past.

How dare you have the audacity to force upscale retail clothing stores to only stock buttoned-down Oxford shirts so tight that other generations of males are relegated to purchasing their shirts from the 1987 sale rack at JC Penney or, even worse, the dark web.

What kind of dress shirt doesn’t have a pocket to put your spectacles in?

The only flexibility in your post-apocalyptic dress shirts are found in the elbows, which undoubtedly allow you to more comfortably browse Twitter from your phones. Do you even look up to notice the world around you? If you did, you’d see the error of your selfish ways, as your male counterparts from other generations struggle to find comfort in your comfortless world.

Gentrifying our fashion under the false premise that these clothes are comfortable. The mendacity with which you parade around in your scrotum-less existence, your feelings of compassion squeezed off by a lack of blood flow to what used to be considered “male parts.”

The world in front of you is bleak, as you slip on your narrow-minded pants, pulling them over undefined gastrocnemius and stunted quadriceps muscles. These “pants” finally come to a buttoned rest over the smooth contours of your pretentious waistlines, filled only with fresh garden salads, light beer and judgment. Eat a pizza every once in a while, will ya?

You have no comprehension for what it’s like to wander into a fine clothier in search of loose fitting pants, only to be looked at as if you were a relic from a different time. The millennial store employees, aptly named Brandon and Tyler, look down on us as if we’ve committed clothing fraud by asking them if they have anything with a pleat in it.

“Pleats are no longer in fashion” they pretentiously mention as they immediately post their hilarious encounters with a pleat seeker on social media, using only the latest emojis and GIFs to really hammer home their point.

Laugh about it now, you merciless and pompous bastards, as you parade around in your experimental beards and avant-garde highwater pants, casting judgment upon your elders.

Your time is coming. Once I’m able to remove these tight-fitting pants from my loose-fitting legs, I’m going to kick your ass.

A Non-Millennial Male

3 thoughts on “An Open Letter to Millennial Males”

  1. Even basketball players are trending towards shorter, tighter shorts. What in the what?! The Michigan Fab 5, in their baggy-@ss jerseys and shorts, were as intimidating as the Spanish Armada (nevermind both made strategic blunders and sunk in an equivalent manner). How are these new John Stockton looking fools supposed to intimidate other people on the court?

    Plus phones are going backward in development, they are getting larger and larger (remember when the smaller the phone the more advanced it was?!). How are they supposed to fit into tight jeans with tight pockets? Millennials will reach a crossroads soon when they will have to decide: smaller cellular telephones or larger denim pants. demin still allowed?


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