Welcome back to the blog. 

You may notice a few changes here and there, I decided to give this bad boy a little fine-tuning.  In fact, I've been fine-tuning a lot of the different areas of my life lately.  In the recent weeks, an outsider looking in may recognize me as someone different entirely, or at least I feel that way. 

There's a lot about my life that I leave off camera not necessarily by choice, but more so by assumption that they are things most wouldn't want to hear about.  The "behind-the-scenes" if you will.  Things like my management, learning the in's and out's of starting a business with my sister, writing books and then racking my brain on how to turn the pretty words into printed paperbacks that someone can tuck themselves into the way I did when I wrote them to life. 

There's also a lot of my life I leave off camera because they are the not-so-pretty parts.  The melt-downs of a general, average 20-something-year-old, the bad dates, the bad days,  the working through of habitual behaviours and bad habits I've formulated as a means to protect myself from anything in life that triggers my "this is not safe" switch.  

In recent weeks, I've been curious to know what life might be like if I started to challenge every belief I found myself carrying with me through-out my day to day.  To get a little more curious about my own life instead of dreaming of a future one.  I'm a bit dreamy by nature - and by dreamy I mean 99% of the time, my head is somewhere in the clouds thinking of the meaning of life and how I can possibly take my awe of it all and honour it by creating everything I'm brought to feel into something that creates a positive ripple.  It's for this overly complicated explanation that I am horrible at answering text messages, getting back to emails right away and keeping tabs on everyday life -- to which I try and compensate for by GYST-ing (if you know, you know).  

I'm airy, but while the effervescent feeling of floating on pretty dreams is nice, this year I felt the need to plant my feet on the ground.  To bring all of the light down to earth and become a master at manifesting my dreams by capitalizing my quality of mind and life in the present moment. 

In doing so, I ended up making the following changes: 

1. I dyed my hair. 
Okay, I know dye is not the technical term when it comes to changing the colour of your hair, but I feel like it's more fitting here because there is a large piece of me that died away when I rid myself of the long blonde locks.  I've no longer felt the need to fit myself into an image I believed was the only way for me to be beautiful.  I challenged myself to find my own definition of the term, to find a way to feel more comfortable in my skin and compassionate for my overall health.  I decided to let go of the bit of me that was still acting like a girl and finally take on the idea of what it means to be to be a woman. To try something new, to play with my look. 
 To let this new chapter of brunette me be photos my one-day daughter can look back on and see the significant change in confidence.  To drain my insecure, obscene standards of personal perfection away with the dark dye.  
To do everything in my power to make myself the happiest and healthiest I can be, whether that means wearing the cute clothes I like or embracing the sound of my donkey-heaving laugh - and to trust that my intentions in doing so are not to be selfish, but so I can show up happier and healthier for others as well. 
It may not have been visible through the lens, but this last year has been one of the most utterly insecure I have ever felt, and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't let that insecurity win over me again.  
No woman should ever feel she cannot be herself fully and fiercely, messy all the while magnificent, sassy as well as sweet, however and as whoever she is and wants to be.  
That includes all woman.   
That includes you.  That includes me.  
(That also includes all men too.) 

2. I left my network. 
If you don't know the in's and out's of youtube, than this may confuse you,  I'll try and keep the explanation simple.  Ever since my career online took off, I have been with a network.  Both networks were gaining roughly 20% of my monthly income along with a higher percentage on any sponsorships I took through them.   I learned so many amazing things and was brought so many amazing opportunities through being with the networks I was with - but - I was also confronted with many situations where I was left disappointed and disheartened by the disingenuous sides of this business and what it can bring out in people.  I tend to be a little naive when it comes to believing the best in people, and for this reason I have been burned many, many times in my career to date.  I take full responsibility for my lack of awareness and determination to learn the business myself so I could see when and where this was happening, and it was for this reason that I decided to leave my network and become a free-agent while I learn the ins and outs of the online platform I have created and decide the morale and ethic of work I want to stand for.  This is also why I rarely ever do sponsorships, as my experience with them has always been one of "you are the commercial, here is what we need you to sell" - as though the number on a page or screen was a sea of mindless dollar signs rather than actual living, breathing, feeling individuals - leaving a really off feeling in my stomach.  

After leaving my network, I began receiving a flood of copyright complaints and strikes against my videos.  At first, I was overwhelmed.  I was afraid that I had made a huge mistake leaving myself unprotected and was now suffering the consequences by losing rights to the revenue of years of hard work and dedication.  I was afraid I couldn't figure it out on my own. 
My heart was torn and I truly wanted to give up and throw in the towel. 
Instead, I took it as a sign from the Universe to start new.  So I unlisted my videos, leaving myself with a blank canvas to start over.  To start over having everything I created here-on-out be strictly and solely owned and created for and by me. 

Things I knew would result from this: 
- a large cut in my income
- the confusion and complaints from viewers 
- the videos that have possibly helped those along the way no longer being watchable 

- my creative freedom 
- my ability to stand up for myself  
- my own sense of renewal moving forward 

So I did it, but I decided to leave my playlists open so that technically, the crew could still go find and watch old videos without them defining my channel anymore. 

3. I changed my game plan. 
For the longest time, I've been chasing goals I thought I SHOULD be.  I've been saying yes to things my gut knew to stay no to.  I've been cutting myself down in order to give more than I realistically could.  I've been biting off more than I can chew because I was terrified to disappoint anyone.  I've been cutting corners on my health and happiness in order to get the next thing done on the to-do list.  I've trained myself to believe I'm not allowed to feel down, low, confused and even happy for the life I've built.  That I must always be proving myself worthy.  That I must always be working towards something or for something/someone. 
I've been living my life small, at an 80%, so I can avoid actually giving myself my all and risk the disappointment of a broken heart or letting myself down.  
The fear of not actually being who I so badly wanted to be is what kept me from being her all together.  Friendly reminder that fear is nothing but an illusion.  A sense of doubt.  A threat from stepping outside of what is comfortable without any proof that your faith will reap rewards. 
Fear is the thief of every dream, idea, intuition and serendipitous moment that was never given the chance to breathe life to this earth and onto you. 
I decided that was no way to live.  To chase all these quick fixes and people please so that I could quiet the side of me that kept feeling unsafe unless I felt secure.  

My security had been dwindled down to trying to follow the latest trends and morph myself into the framework of who society, mixed with my own far off assessments, told me I needed to be in order to be happy.  To be perfect.  

security in life = material things + approval of others 

This was no longer the formula I would take with me moving forward.  I decided to give my game plan a bit of a makeover.  Simplify it in a way that would always make it easy to fall back on anytime I felt the confidence in myself waiver. 

security in life  = to do what makes me happy + to chose what makes me healthy 

+ trusting my intuition to guide me through each, it always know the way long before my mind has time to catch up... 

I still have no idea what I'm doing, I honestly don't even know how I'm getting paid next month for crying out loud, but what I do know is I'm not living my life the way I was a few weeks ago.  I'm no longer keeping myself confined by my own fear, and the fear pushed onto me by lost souls with typing fingers or in tall office buildings.  
I'm living for the healthiest and happiest version of me, the balance between earth and air. 

It was this time last year, I got my fire and water tattoo... and only just now have I realized it might be time to add the remaining two elements into the mix somehow. 

Thank you for keeping up with me, for caring and for carrying on your support.  I'm so happy you're here, and I'm so grateful for the platform we've created that allows me to create. 
To the crew, everything I strive and work towards from here on out is not only for me, but for you.  Sometimes I wonder why you're here, why you care to read the words of a girl lost in the lands of maple syrup trying to navigate her way through the mess we've made of life, but I do know that I want everything I do and say to be a direct reflection of the message I'm constantly trying to send you. 
To wake up and love to live your life. 

To the moon and back, 


Photos taken by my lovely best friend who is also going through an iconic transformation - like damn it fam, 2019 is BREWINGGG. 
Instagram : Larissa Newberry