I've never been a big fan of imaginary friends. Probably because they are freaking terrifying. I've seen The Shining, The Exorcist, and The Amityville Horror enough times to know that if your kid starts talking to the empty seat at the breakfast table you should probably just buy your family all one-way tickets to Tijuana and throw a match on your house as you pull out of the driveway.

Much to my dismay, Ellie introduced me to her imaginary friend a few days ago. He is a shark. His name is Shark. I told Nick it was creeping me out and he said we only have to worry if she starts talking to someone named Mr. Peepers or Stabby. I'm mainly scared of waking up in the middle of the night to some creepy pervy ghost licking my toes or spying on me while I get dressed or something. Though truth be told that would be way scarier for the ghost.

Anyway, I've read that imaginary friends are a safe way for kids to express their true feelings. If that is true we're screwed because Shark is a selfish jerk. He carries a purse, prefers the best seat on the couch and comments regularly on Mommy's belly fat.

I mean, I get that this is all a normal, healthy stage of development. Or Schizophrenia. Either way I don't like it one bit. I'm a big weenie when it comes to scary things. I have to turn my head away for 60% of The Wizard of Oz. I always run up the basement steps like the wind because I'm sure there's a werewolf hot on my tail. And my daughter telling me an invisible Shark is watching me while I'm reading gives me the heebies big time.

Part of me just wants to make a big plate of fish for dinner one night and, as she's eating, tell her that Shark was in the wrong place at the wrong time and he's never coming back so stop talking to him. But I don't know what can really screw her up mentally at this age and I don't want to play with fire.

Plus I can't cook fish for shit.

Hurricane Sandy made landfall in my belly (and also a fun give a way)


The past 48 hours have taken 3 years off the life of my lower intestine.

It started yesterday when I ate all the kids' Halloween candy. What began as an innocent breakfast dessert turned into me behind a locked bathroom door dumping candy corn crumbs into my mouth like a starving baby bird swallowing a worm.

As a kid I always wondered why the adults thought it was so dang funny to act like they were taking my candy.  It's because they were testing me to see how much of a fuss I was going to make when it actually happened. 

After I ate all the candy I went to Chick-Fil-A. I know, I know. I don't agree with the organizations they've given money to and I told you I swore them off forever but I have an addiction people! I can't just quit cold turkey. Or at all.

Then I had a big bowl of white chicken chili for a mid-afternoon snack.  Then as I was taking the empty candy wrappers from the morning to the neighbor's trash can still out on their curb I found a full sized Hershey bar in the street that must have fallen out of someone's Halloween bag and obviously I ate it. 

Then last night I took Ellie on a date night to AMC West Olive's new dine-in theater to see Madagascar 3.  Where, in true date night with a 3-year-old fashion, we ordered Parmesan fries, an Asian steak and shrimp bowl as big as my head, grilled cheese, and... well, this:

I don't know what it was.  It had ice cream, waffles covered in some sort of carmel crunchy stuff, was covered in bacon and called me this morning asking for child support. 

Two hours later, as I was gripping the sides of the toilet wishing I was dead, I remembered I had a doctor's appointment this morning.  An annual physical where they weigh you and take blood work and stuff.  I'm already preparing myself for the call from my insurance company telling me I'm fired because I only have 4 hours left to live.

But in those 4 hours I will tell you that the new movie theater was really fun.  You get your own personal server and get to eat dinner right there in the theater, without having to get up to get refills or anything. 

They're having a grand opening event on Monday, November 5 at 9am and the first 100 people in line will get free movies and appetizers for a year!

Get more info here, and if you go and happen to run into that bacon waffle ice cream thingie tell him the check's in the mail.

Disclosure:  I was provided goods, services and/or compensation for promoting this product or event.  All thoughts are my own.