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I don't understand. ...

You want to know the worst part.... I don't want to be this way. I don't want to feel so guilty after eating that I eat more just soI can throw it up straight after. It's either that or I don't eat anything at all.. or sometimes I eat a normal sized meal no harm to me and yet I still feel the need to get rid of it. I'm so worried about my weight that I can barely think about anything else and the worst part is I know the risks but I still continue to go on acting like everything will be fine if I keep going. But I know the truth. I'm not scared though. The honest truth is sometimes I think the world would be better off without me and purging is the only thing I'm actually able to control, the only thing I can control that no one else can. I can't fix my parents relationship or the fact that everyone around me sees me as some fat ugly girl so why not control something... even if it is dangerous. .. I don't want to feel this way... and I don't want to scare my family but I don't really know what else to do... I'm scared but at the same time I can't. Stop

Re: I don't understand. ...

Hey @Red15V 


I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier. I missed your post.

I've moved it over to here as this is a better spot for it.


I'm so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you. It sounds like you're really struggling with how things are for you at the moment. Life can be really overwhelming. You sound like you have amazing courage and insight though. The fact that you come to Reach Out and are brave enough to share your story and to try to look for something else to help you through, that shows how amazing you are.


Reach Out has a load of great info on disordered eating. You can find factsheets and personal stories here.


Have you tried talking to someone about the feelings you have? Headspace can provide you with somone to talk to and professional advice that can help you through this. As well, The Butterfly Foundation can give you expert advice on disordered eating.


Is this something you would consider?

Re: I don't understand. ...

To be honest I already go to headspace. I think she recommended me to look through this site to know that I'm not alone. It's been a struggle for a while. .. it's only recently that I picked up this whole food problem. I've always been concerned about my weight but it just seemed to get more dramatic I guess

Re: I don't understand. ...

Hey @Red15V 


Thanks for coming to ReachOut.


I go to Headspace too and your therapist is right, you are not alone. I could relate to you about food, I was told by my therapist to commit to eating "proper meals". Easier said than done.


Have you spoken to your therapist about why it seems like food is a problem now? There could be another underlying issue. I know for me is lack of self-esteem and self-worth. It's worth discussing it with your therapist if you could think of one.


The main thing now is take thing one step at a time. Try eat something every few hours no matter how small. Make sure you drink plenty of water as well. Dehydration could happen if you purge regularly.

In the meantime, if you want something to distract yourself on the forums, there's a Games section you could check out. 


I hope your sessions at Headspace goes well. Lets us know how you are going.





Re: I don't understand. ...

I drink a lot of water but when I start eating I can't stop... it's like I try and I even make promises to my family that I won't do it but I always break the promises.... I end up purging. .. I don't mean for it to happen it's just an instinct. ..

I've always had low self esteem.. I've been bullied for as long as I can remember. ..

Re: I don't understand. ...

It's good to commit and make promises to do these things. It sounds like you really are trying. Have you thought about asking your parents to help… at least while you work towards getting into a routine?

Re: I don't understand. ...

They both know but I don't think they really know how help as much as they want to they don't know what to do.. but they worry but they're also too scared to help I thin. They ddon't know how.... and what's the point of commiting and making promises if I can't keep them. Is that really a good thing? :/

Re: I don't understand. ...

Hey Red15V,


Really big well done for posting on here, it's not an easy step.


Eating issues can be really hard, you are dealing with a lot. I can understand why you are feeling upset about it. I've been through some similar things myself, and sometimes I just felt like things were never going to get better. They can, but I won't pretend it's easy. It sounds like you are fed up with the guilt and ready to change, posting on here and going on headspace are both big steps.


When you eat are you generally with other people? I find that being with other people helps me to moderate the amount of food I am eating and to help distract me from obsessing about it. It doesn't always work but sometimes it's awesome.


Parents can be a tough one. I found that mine wanted to help but they never really seemed to say the right thing, is that how you feel? 


This might sound impossible, but sometimes it's important to try to be kind to yourself. You won't be able to keep every promise or routine right now, but if you're trying that's an awesome step in the right direction.


Keep posting RedV15, we're here to listen Smiley Happy