more thoughts.

life is scary.
big, big, big, and scary.
i used to think of life in very linear ways.
you are born.
you go to school.
you graduate.
you have your first kiss,
you first job,
your first love.
you get married,
have kids,
get old,
and die.
and now i don’t see it like that so much anymore.
life is more like a tapestry, albeit a messy one, of all sorts of colors and patterns, and they don’t really work well together but somehow they come out in the end as one great picture.
i think i’m starting to wake up.
and i think that’s good, because most people are trying to go to sleep.
i think i’m finally beginning to find my heart, and leaving my head behind.
i’ve had 26 years on this globe so far, and if it’s up to me i’ll have another 80.
and that seems like a lot to me right now but i know that it’s not.
and i’m scared.
i’m scared that i’ll mess it up.
that i’ll miss it.
that i’ll spend it all on something worthless.
and i don’t want to do that.
life is beautiful, not because all of it is, but because that for every thousand and one bad moments you get a good one, that somehow makes all the others worth fighting through.
it’s not math, it’s God.
the sum of something can’t be split into equal parts, and life can’t be broken up into equal moments and pieces.
life is the sum of living.

i’m starting to understand why every moment counts.
it’s not because every moment needs to be maximized to its fullest potential, but because each moment has the potential to redeem a thousand terrible ones.
even if it’s just a few seconds, it can change a day.
even if it’s just a day, it can change a whole year.
maybe that’s what i’m waiting for.
one moment.
one day.
just something to make up for all the terrible moments i’ve both fought and wrought.
it’s not math.
it’s life.

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