Oh, it is ON mo-fo's

Thursday, January 18, 2007

I am not a fan of the upstairs neighbors.

I tried, Internet, I TRIED to be accepting of their weird ways. I tried to not get pissed off that they feel that they deserve 9/10ths of the basement space, relegating us to the usage of a small corner ( which I have to move all the guys shit to get to). Yes, I am totally sneaking downstairs to take pictures, I promise.

I vaguely tried to understand about sharing the driveway and garage - except when I tell you that I have to leave at 7 in the morning and you park in back of me anyway? Or when I tell you I don't have to leave so I should park in the garage so YOU can leave first in the morning without involving me in your leaving - and you park in the fucking garage regardless?

And all right. You have a two year old. I understand two year olds. But, maybe if you exposed the child to some fresh air and exercise he wouldn't need to run through your house from 7 a.m. until you realize he is still awake at 11 p.m. and corral him into his crib. Not bringing a child outside ALL weekend? That's just strange.

But now we are moving into seriously disturbed land. During Christmas, I ran downstairs to retrieve the gifts I had craftily hidden in my trunk. Emily and Terrance were off to school, and I thought this would be an ideal time to grab everything and do my wrapping. The lights were off in the basement, so I assumed - as I think any normal human with any experience with living on this planet would - that no one was downstairs. I ran down, flicked on the lights in the garage and proceeded to the trunk of my car. When your voice hailed me from the CORNER of the garage, where you were sitting smoking pot in the dark at 9 a.m. - and I screamed? Your laughter was probably not the best response. Yeah, had I been stoned at 9 a.m., I might have laughed too. But as a woman dressed in a yoga top and shorts, you scared the living shit out of me. But now I know where the pot smell is coming from - as you kindly pointed out that you smoke over there near the vent - directly under my bedroom. Quite a collection of "roaches" you have there, sir.

This makes the "camera" I found at the edge of the garage a bit more understandable. I was more than a little freaked out when I looked up one day as I was getting out of the car to see the camera. At first, Terrance tried to explain that as you work as a Security system installer, it was just extra equipment that you had. I now believe that you are protecting your clearly massive stash of pot. Seeing as you smoke at least three times a day HERE, I can only assume how much herb is hidden in the basement.

Of course, then you brought what I refer to as the "serial killer van" home. Cause when curtains go up in that thing, it will be clear that the killing has begun. I can only hope that I will not be one of the first victims, although I think your amusement at scaring the living shit out of me is immense.

Yes weird dude. I am watching you.

But it is You, weird dudes wife? Partner? live in? You and I are going to have issues.

Your need to "sneak" your car into the garage, KNOWING that you will have to wake me up in the morning to move my car? Oh yeah. I know you are doing it on purpose. I know you want a "warm" car in the morning - but hey - That just isn't cool. Oh, and doing laundry at 10:30 at night? Also not cool. I don't know what they taught you while you were being raised by Dingos, but we in Normal, human society don't disturb our downstairs neighbors by using our washing machine at all hours of the evening.

Him? It's the pot. You? You and I have "issues", sister. And I'm pretty sure I can take you.

11 Baleful Regards:

Karen Rani said...

Dude, transfer to Western. I got a big basement and my family is lucky if I do laundry, like once a week.
Plus I make good food. :D

SUEB0B said...

Oooh, I so would not mess with you. I only met you for 2 days and I already know that.

theotherbear said...

Ooooh, you need to plot revenge. How annoying living near people like that!

Chrissy said...

1) Take his pot and sell it to some stoner down the street to help pay for the fumigation of your bedroom.
2) Baseball bat. Camera. 'nuff said
3) Child services
4) Disable the washer
5) Kick her a*s

Just some helpful hints from someone who has been there.

QT said...

Serial killer van? shudder

Yeah, something needs to happen. I have no doubts you can make it so. The parking situation alone may drive me to commit a crime.

Andrea said...

So, move the camera from the garage to the basement and point it at the "smoking room".

Answer the door in the early morning when they come to ask you to move your car with a goblet of wine in your hand and allude to how many glasses you've had (not really) for such an early hour. Then, pretend to not realize your car is in drive instead of reverse and come within an inch of hitting their car before "getting it" and then backing up and out of their way. Offer up only an "oops" by way of apology. Do this as many times as it takes for them to stop parking anywhere near your car.

Start burning a cloying and unpleasantly scented candle under vents that lead to their apartment to pay back for the pot smell in yours.

Washing machine? I'm coming up blank on that one. If it was the dryer, I'd say stuff the vent to the outside with cotton and it will make them think their dryer is broken because their clothes won't be getting dry. But that means more cycles through the dryer and longer to get the laundry done, which isn't the goal, even if it would result in the eventual unnecessary purchase of a new appliance they hadn't planned on buying.

Good luck. This message will self-destruct in 15 seconds.

Bethany said...

Sounds like Vlad needs to pay them a visit.

wordgirl said...

Even Vlad is afraid of you, Dawn. You need to get Medieval on their asses. I miss you coming by.

Lori said...

They sound exactly like my sisters neighbors. I'm sorry.

Lisa said...

It sounds like Vlad needs to make an appearance over there.

God it sounds like they totally suck. SO I hope you are able to at some point soon mess with their heads or get them to move...

Fraulein N said...

Oh, so your neighbors are Those People, are they? Yeah, they're just begging to be fucked with. I say it's open season on assholes.

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