Parenting Simulation


person carrying child wearing white top
Photo by Singkham on

So you’re ready to have a baby?

If you’re thinking of getting pregnant, you should first test the waters and have some simulation of what caring for an infant is like. These suggestions aren’t a hard and fast system, but may provide some idea despite the fact that you’ll never be truly prepared.

  1. Simulate feeding: Start with some delicious foods you can’t wait to eat and set them aside. It’s important that you be close to starving when this simulation starts. Prepare foods from scratch, organic free-range non-GMO raised-on-a-mountaintop-by-Camelite-Nuns is best but store bought is fine. Take 30% of your own food and puree it to a fine consistency. Find a high velocity fan. Take a spoon and throw the food at the fan while saying sweet things that mean nothing to the fan. Have a friend laugh at you hysterically and alternately berate you. You may only take a bite of your own food after it’s completely cold and you have at least 40 stains on your own clothing. Master level simulation includes being in public while also taking phone calls and trying to conduct an online business.
  2. Simulate bedtime: First procure a feral cat and a baby seal. Bathtime was part of our bedtime routine, and so you’ll need to simulate washing and drying an infant. This simulation will approximate a child who is crawling and beginning walking. First you will need the feral cat. Cajole the cat into your arms and take it to the bathroom. Take 8000 bath toys and throw them on the floor, advanced experts can also put in legos. Shampoo the cat while singing happy songs about whales or whatever you can to stop from cursing as the cat attempts to crawl out of the tub 40 times. After the cat is passably clean and angry, bring in the seal. Open the bathroom door and let the cat run rampant while you’re wrangling the seal. You will need to grease up the seal while also trying to dance a polka. After throughly greased, wrestle the seal into a sleep sack. Grab the feral cat and brush and pet it while singing lullabies. This will make the cat yowl horribly. Pretend the yowling is the reason you became a parent and have endless patience. Place the child in a playpen or crib and when it jumps out, place it back in while speaking in the third person. Repeat 700 times, forgoing sleep and every television program you’d like to watch for 5 years. 
  3. Simulate activities: This simulation will approximate going somewhere in public. Ask some friends for help with this. Buy 100 proof grain alcohol. Have your friends who are of age to consumer booze, get daydrunk and then bring them with you to Target or if you’d like advance levels to somewhere like the optometrist. You will need to do your regular shopping, drop by the post office and get an eye exam while keeping your friends quiet, entertained, and respectful of others. You may not use a tether, but they should all be within arms reach and they cannot perform any tasks themselves. You have to open every snack, hold every drink and pick up everything they drop. Extra points for friends who like to undress because its too hot, or who hate wearing shoes because they make their feet feel weird.

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