Passion Deflated

We all can agree that there are those moments in life when things just don’t work out the way we would like. It is more frustrating when the things not working out are between our spouse/significant other. Finances, work, family and children can cause fallouts greater than the Hiroshima nuclear blast. How each of you handle these elements can make or break the issue.

One in particular that I want to address today is sex. We’ve all seen the sitcoms on tv where the wife withholds sex until the husband does _________ (whatever honey-do task that hasn’t been completed). Or she withholds it because of something he did do or say. Either way, it’s not fighting fair. Most women are emotional creatures by nature and in order to get the cookie you have to appeal to the mind and heart first. Most men are physical and what women are moved by have no effect on them whatsoever. Sex is sex. So what if the dishes aren’t done. I’m horny. I know the kid was suspended from school. We haven’t touched in three days. I’ll finish the yard this weekend. I need some attention.

Some men stop looking at their spouse/significant other the same way they used to in the beginning. Underlying causes can range from stress at work to their own insecurities. Maybe they feel unattractive or that you’ve lost interest in them. Maybe there is a medical condition that causes them to be unable to ‘perform’ the way they used to and rather than just talk about it they feel embarrassed and keep it to themselves. Maybe you’ve nagged so much that they have simply lost the strength to fight for your attention. Women need to understand that just as they have these thoughts in their head, so do men.

We can’t take a break from life and the revolving problems that arise daily but we can take carve out some time to break for a purpose of getting back in touch with one another. Just as work and family need your attention, so does your spouse/significant other. Their needs are starved when they become last on your list or don’t make it to your priority list at all. Sometimes it is as simple as stepping away and asking yourself how you would feel in their shoes. It seems easy to point fingers and blame someone else for being lazy or lacking responsibility or whatever the issue may be. It’s hard to consider what difficult things they may be facing in their lives or how they rationalize certain situations.

Get back to the basics. Get back to love. At the end of the day, if you only had a few hours left to live would you spend them complaining about work or the children or would you focus on what is important; the relationship between all the elements of your family? We always think we have forever until we take our last breath. This sobering reality hit home yesterday as I celebrated Memorial Day. Many people thanked me for my 13 years of military service but I had to correct them; Veteran’s Day is my day of celebration. Memorial Day is for the fallen comrades who did not come home so that I could. Their families are paying the ultimate sacrifice as they are now without that mother, daughter, sister, aunt, father, uncle, brother or son.

Some women use the excuse that they aren’t in the mood. It is a very realistic excuse. Some women have low libidos. After having a baby some women lose interest because their bodies have changed along with their hormones and they don’t feel like they still ‘got it’. For those women I will say this. If he is trying to be with you, trying to make love to you, trying to touch you – trust me, you still got it. Stop analyzing your own body and look at it through the eyes of your spouse/significant other. How do you think the phrase, ‘Mother I’d Like to F*ck’ (MILF) was coined? Trust me, he wouldn’t be after you if you didn’t turn him on.

Also realize that men go through changes, too, after you have a baby. Maybe not in the physical sense – well, some guys do have sympathy pain or gain sympathy weight which I think is cute – but seriously, your body just brought a life into this world. That is the beauty of life unfolding before their eyes. Maybe you stopped having sex because it was too painful during the last bit of pregnancy. Or maybe you felt too big and awkward. Now that you’ve had the baby and had that healing time pass think about how he might feel making love to you again. He might feel anxious, which in turn could make him not last that long. He may be afraid of hurting you or not know how to respond to your body, which could make it hard for him to keep an erection. There could be a million things going through his head, but the main one that is most important is that he still loves and wants to be with you. Stop being in your head so much and just let nature take control. Enjoy the moment. Once time has passed you can never get that back.

Some problems cannot be solved easily. Some are deeply rooted and require the specialized training of a certified professional counselor. If you feel that your relationship is beyond repair or that both of you are at your wits end then maybe it’s time to call in reinforcement. Counseling can do more good than harm. You may find that it’s just a matter of difference or misunderstanding. You may find something more. But letting it fester to the point where you both have had enough and the passion has lost its flame is not good. Flames can be reignited but it requires work from both parties and a willingness to be open minded and not stoop to the petty blame game.

Life is too short to live without passion. Especially intimate passion with someone you say you love. It all comes down to choices. You can choose to fight for and bring the passion back or you can let it die. At the end of the day, what will you choose?