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Dec. 4th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent


Lord, why am i dedicating so many entries to you? Maybe it's because i find it tiresome to communicate with people sometimes. they're just like the x and y variables in a logarithm formula. UNPREDICTABLE. you're the constant, Lord. Thank you. at least i can, even with my less than perfect judgment, have a fair idea of how you'd react. but it's also known you're one to work the unexpected, so.... is this a lost cause and entry?

I'm making this public because, well, because I probably crave attention. you know me best, so I probably do. it's amazing how people who do not believe in you, claiming to be the forefront of 'open-minded'-ness, cannot seem to accept people who believe in you even when they seemingly accept every other extremities that exist. Hm, but that's probably not news to you either.... in history and even in the Bible itself, there were people who reject you. But I'm no exception. I reject you every time I commit a sinful act. I shouldn't be judging, but I pass judgment on others still. I am sorry Lord.

Lord, how do I

well, Lord. I'm just thinking how would you be like on MSN if you had an account?

I kind of not like IMing.... true, convenient it is, but it does little to communicate. the lack of facial expression, tone of voice and body language cripples the communication. do you know there's this online IM bot that is titled after you? iGod, it's called. I asked its name once, and it's called Alice. I found it fun at first, but while it gave me instant answers, they are generic and meaningless.... got bored quickly. I kept asking things about the church, its people, Heaven, Hell purgatory.... but it gave me the silliest answers ever. =/ if i were iGod's creator, i'd have made it to dispense intriguing answers, not those obviously generic ones like 'I'm sorry I do not have an answer to that'. =/

Lord, please please please

can I ask when you're

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT LORD. you'd need some rest too.

Dec. 3rd, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

what little of it can I say

directions, directions, directions. Where is my life heading to at the moment? Spiralling towards death's door, lost the middle of time and quantum theory, or something else altogether. Haha, I wonder.

I'm seriously considering changing my MSN sub-nick to 'emotionally unsound', but I hardly appreciate the idea of people thinking of me along the lines of 'emo'. =/ Does that me a coward, someone who stereotypes (since I don't like to be labelled 'emo'), or way too paranoid about someone else's opinion of me.

Hm I can't say for sure if I'm seeking an answer or if I was stating a fact.

Well, anyway, I'm in the weirdest mood right now. I feel sleepy, but that is definitely out won by this heavy weight I seem to be carrying, yet apparently outlined by a sense of detachment --- a very odd combination. It is depression with aloofness, and unwillingness mixed excitement. My english is erratic, and in normal times, I would be severely flustered over this, but I couldn't care less now. i think.

This is going to sound weak, lame, gay, tarty-farty-tarded, or whatsoever, but I'm caught in one of those 'aww' moments over this local drama. Seeing Yousuke and Juxiang apart, yet together --  separated then united -- i somehow wish the definition of love was that simple, just like unspoken loyalty. they make feel hopeful for a bit. but knowing very well what tragic ending awaits them saddens me greatly. while the peranakan people are governed by food and embroidery, i seriously think mine is governed by those fairytales and nursery rhymes of early childhood days.

i've been singing the Daisy Daisy nursery rhyme these days. recalling the song reminds me of an illustration of male flower that sings this sweet little piece of music to his lover, a daisy flower. very creative, isn't it? that's where you find your best illustrators! in children's books!

blasting Enya over my speakers (but actually can you actually blast enya? with that soft ethereal voice, it's almost wrong to put it along the lines of blasting).... and just letting my thoughts knot themselves in. I'm feeling so very weird. at the edge of letting go, but the barrier stands.

homework beckons, but i --


people say the only poem i've written about my life (a few entries back) is really unusual. haha, it probably comes off egoistic, but till now, it is still very much relevant.

Can, may, should, would --


O God. i'm sinful, yet unapologetic. i'm gracing the edge of your patience, if there was a limit to it. i crave ----- but Lord, forgive me.

Nov. 26th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

Lost + Anger

Hm, okay. I came here with the intention to channel my frustrations about not making progress with any of the remaining school assignments that I have at hand. But now, I'm quite lost. For words.

But since I came to this posting-an-entry page, might as well pen a few words down before I get even more embroiled in the internal battle of whether to post or not...

It's funny how I'm dreading to write the story of the train station which I enjoyed doing so for the draft, and ended up reading about blood groups in Wikipedia. And how interested I'm in the affairs of others that I'm suddenly scrolling through every possible blogs belonging to a person whom I can put a face to the name to, when I do that only with a select few, all without reason or rhyme. That includes blogs with the typical, crappy kind of daily entry. Hardly palatable, IMO, both content and use of language, but oh ho, I read them with near enthusiasm.

Funny how I'm supposed to be stressing out over everything that's been piling on my plate, and I end up thinking I can always do it tomorrow. =/ Reminds me so much of how I was during my prelims just before the O'levels when I just let go of everything when everyone else was scrambling to digest every possible byte/bite of their notes and ten-year-series. Gosh, this reverse psychology thing is scaring me, especially when it's got nothing to do with someone trying to convince me of something.

Shouldn't even be here at the first place, especially when I've only accomplished a poorly rewritten paragraph of my copy for the photo journal. O: Oh well, and still the thought of me going to bed with a barely done work now sounds very reasonable to me...

I'm planning to post up my baby photo someday. Soon. Nowhere as cute as Lollipop, but damn I miss her, and when I look at my baby photo, I see her somehow in my mind's eye. I'll probs post one of Lollipop too, but she's such an adorabella, I'm so afraid someone will try to adopt her directly over the web! O: Anyway Cambodia was great fun, and a whole major experience. There's a lot to say, but I won't do it here because it really works out better if I tell you personally.... all in all, I came back, TANNED (am still, sadly), and with overly-active sweat glands. Even in walking at a moderate pace, I could perspire so much so that I think I put those joggers at Bishan Park to shame. =/ Ask my friends. I'm practically the condensation-magnet around! =D

Okay, homework calls, but sleep beckons. =D

God, I'm just writing this because I wanted to make sure you got my prayers in all humanly-possible mediums, so I can be rest assured, in my very human-doubting nature, that you are getting my message. In verbal, visual, mental, and aural ways, Lord, I ask you, to firstly forgive me for my impudence here... I thought maybe you'd be more receptive if I were more creative... so here I am writing. Lord, forgive me for my lack of communication... but I thank you for giving me the chance to studying (visual) communication, though, but I guess it's not very helpful in growing the bond between us, yeah? God, do you have priorities? If so, what are they?? Lord, forgive me once again for all that I've asked of you, most of which are material, and I'm really sorry that all these prayers must have troubled you, for there are many out there praying for the immaterial... but I can't help it Lord, I can't. Because I'm so reliant on my flawful human nature, tell me, in the most humanly possible way, how do you feel? Bad? Angry? Or something that humans can't comprehend?

Lord, yesterday someone told a friend and I that we're to die this year and he probably mentioned of us going to hell as well. Except he was mumbling and I thought he said 'table warming' which I found utterly ridiculous considering you only warm houses. It was only when he shoved this slip of paper with the words 'Take WARNING' that I realised he was a separated brethren who believed in predestination, and not freewill, that will determine our place in the afterlife. Afterlife matters, Lord, are yours to decide, so I'll not probe too much into what's beyond my fallible human comprehension. But Lord, really what should I have done? He made my friend, who isn't a believer, angry and mad that followers of Christ could be so quick to condemn and judge. I'm sorry on the guy's behalf, but yet I'm also angry at him for the very fact that he tried to put himself in your shoes, in other words, play God, and decide who goes where after death. =/ Lord, I even thought of going back and confront him, so please forgive me. Please tell me what I should do, yeah? I need some help with the material side of things down here... IMO, it'd help a lot with what's immaterial here. Thanks for reading this... I could draw something next time perhaps if you don't mind half-baked looking sketches. =)

In nomine Patre, et Filii, et Spiritu Sancti, Amen! (Sorry Lord if I spelt wrongly... Latin's not my first language. Nor my 2nd, nor 3rd. Apologies!)

Aug. 27th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

if it keeps on raining, the levee's going to break.

'It's better than real. Real is overrated.' Dreamrider by Barry Jonsberg

My thoughts come and go at the speed of light, mostly. First I wanted to write something about this compelling line, about being materialistic and probably end up comforting myself that 'haha, I'm above everyone else. But secretly I envy them.' But by the next second, I decided it was too cliched and changed my mind. I went off and commented on a friend's entry on a bad day at work. Then I got back here, to pick up where I left off. Nothing came to mind.

I need new icons, desperately, but the urgency to get it doesn't seem to affect me at all. Maybe I'm all over getting new, cool, special icons phase. Haha. Like when I was 12 or 13, I was deeply entrenched in the blogging wave, which didn't actually sweep the people around me till a couple of years on. Is blogging cool? Honestly, I don't know. First I started out, I thought hey! this is the revolution. Then it came along resentment when blogging got hot in Singapore. I'm neither a crowd follower nor a leader, but I decided to hate the idea of writing online posts because it made me feel like I was everyone else with their daily rants (albeit I'm guilty of such too) and raves. And finally, I think I'm gaining maturity with a more objective view on blogging at this stage, where I could pull out good and poor examples of keeping a web log and pretend that I'm once again above all, et cetera. I suppose most of us will eventually go through the same stages. My feelings on this? I'm 50/50 on 'gosh I hate this and i want to protest' and 'bah, life's such. Let's play it mature.'

Senseless talking. It happens when my thoughts can't settle on anything for more than a nanosecond. I'm quite impressed that I actually remembered my old physics/maths units.

Aug. 20th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

The minutes of twenty-four hours. Remove me, I don't do cuts.

Sunday, laziness started to creep in, so I called my friends out on a last minute whim to visit the airport. I then turned up an hour late, but my friends were kind about it. That could be attributed to the Popeye's set dinner they were then just beginning to dig in. Thank you, Popeye's, even when your meal portion is way too huge, fried chicken way too ordinary, and the price way too pricey.

Today, I paid a visit to school, bras basah, and the library. Missed a really good paper workshop (they gave out free paper! A whole entire stack of A3 sized paper, those fancy dandy expensive kinds, not your toilet roll paper type) just to get a book that would be my personal little journal from now on, except it was out of stock. My phone died soon after just when told Jacquelyn I didn't mind waiting for her to end school so we could head home together.  Figuring she'd call and realise that the one answering on the other end would be the answering lady instead of me and go on home herself, I went ahead. I managed to revive the bloody phone after I got off the bus, and at that very moment, Jacquelyn called! I'm probably writing this so I could ease my guilt (not so much for forgiveness, since I think what I did today was pretty unforgivable in the venial sense, especially as a friend!). Today was one of those days, you know?

Went out to Junction 8 to meet Shili for a bit. Took a short but nice stroll through the park to the place instead of wasting a few tens of cents on bus fare. Now, this part sort of right-ed my day. Everytime I was out with my current school mates, it was for our assignment/s, but today was simply for the sake of leisure. And I always enjoy small company (unless I'm in the mood for people, which is rarely). Two makes good conversation, I feel, having only one person to channel all your attention to, instead of having to think for three, four, five, or more, which can become very taxing mentally and even emotionally. I seem to fumble when I'm in a group.

Previously, when I photograph things, I'd usually invest quite a bit of thought into a single picture, but recently after picking up my camera again, I adopted this snap-then-think habit. I keep photos that are both accidentally or intentionally blurred, over/under exposed, unconventional (not necessarily in the positive sense) compositions et cetera, in hope that I could reap some interesting, instinctive shots. Then I rely on Photoshop to give these photographs potential. What I'm doing is possibly considered photography blasphemy in the eyes of some, because it's not sole reliance on the camera with skills, but oh well I say. I declare that I do not have the means to afford fancy cams and I'm neither proud nor ashamed about this. I paid for my Photoshop and I very well am going to make full use of it. The Adobe designers should consider creating the Ultimate = Photoshop + Illustrator + InDesign and reign the graphics designing industry's choice programme for at least the next ten years.

Haha, I ramble. Forgive me.

I really should do something about my life. Get up early, stop idling on my bed, and jog. I hate jogging partly because it's nice blend of boredom and pain. But worse still, people laugh when I jog. Firstly I look really frumpy in my dressing and silly with that pair of cycling shoes I call running shoes. Secondly, to ease the anxiety I get when I receive those funny looks from passing joggers, I talk to myself. Aloud. That is why I can't jog. A self-defeating vicious cycle. And this sounds a lot like what life is to me. Hm, uplifting. Might as well put myself through the torture again, won't hurt too much if I'm doomed to experience such cycles throughout my lifetime! And I believe I'm going to live beyond 2012.

And that was one of my darkest secrets. Congrats Marilyn, I think you're braver every second you're taking a step closer to death. Cheers, people!

P.S. A German took the gold for the Men's Triathlon this morning, and I cheered as though the German National Football team won the World Cup. Pity Singapore has citizens like me.

Aug. 17th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

the idea of a title is to... capture your attention!

My previous entry had a very poor title line, so in order to capture your attention, my friends, I went lengths (pun kind of intended). I was surprised no one had requested I do a cut. That must mean I've really understanding people, if not patient, on my f-list. Thanks everyone!

Actually the length thing was unintentional. Writing that amount is not impossible for me, because I'm constantly reminded by RL people around me that I'm long-winded especially my studio project lecturer! This line could've been this: 'I wrote that much unintentionally, and while writing essays isn't impossible, I'm very long-winded!' haha but I made it a lot longer! Back in secondary school, I had something for writing my compositions, but when it came to summaries, I'm scoring a 12 out for 25. XD

But I honestly don't feel like doing cuts now. Spare yourself the eyesore by removing of your f-list. ;) Highly recommended. (But I'll be sad.)

Well, I wish I could write nice entries, those daily kinds, where I rattle on endlessly about a certain food I ate which tasted like granny's socks or a bloody stone I tripped over while chatting on the phone, or bumping into someone I wouldn't ever like to see for the rest of my life, yadda yadda, but no, my life itself is pretty boring. Everyday feels the same. I may be happier on a certain day, but the level of feeling happy is just a slight notch above the norm, not over the roof wow-wee kind. Some would advise I need to rethink the direction I want in life, so I can be a lot happier, and there are those who believe I need a good long break from trying to idealise my world. I don't know myself. Not sure if I care a lot about that right now.

If I can't write captivating dailies, I wish I could write deep, profound entries! Those kinds that go on about a certain event, action, person, current affair/s, or even moral ethics, and give the readers a very different yet interesting insight. But I feel my opinions on things garner little substance, and are probably very shallow, so I'd first need to start expand and deepen my view before zooming in and making huge fuss out of... nothing.

I love reading some people's writings on tricky topics, because they provide a very personal yet somehow objective view in the entirety, whereas there are some others who would ramble on on the same subjects, but I rarely invest time to read them because they're always too... mostly flighty.

Understandable, because everyone's level of maturity doesn't progress at the same pace as the next person.

I spent my first few days of holidays in recuperation at home, reading some library books, and recouping sleep losses. Sleep deprivation is really bad for health, so I recently adopted a weakling's healthy lifestyle by being 'early to bed, early to rise'. It's nice just to spend sometime for a shut eye (?). My bed's a nice bed, old wooden frame, creaky, low-rise, with a cushy, springy mattress atop. Very... comfy.

Books read were In the Name of God, an insightful story about Syrian girl's life where she is sandwiched by her love for her religion and modern ideals, and Nightwalker, a highly captivating fantasy tale of a kitchen boy (he's more teen) who goes on an adventure (LOL) and it's my second time reading this series. Gosh, it's so good, I can't wait till the national libraries bring in the second installation Treason of Eswy! I'm even considering purchasing the books myself, but they're all paperbacks! I don't mind paperbacks as long as there won't be plans for hardcover versions when this series gets popular, because I'd pick hardcovers over paperbacks any day.

How could I forget, Breaking Dawn! It's a nice book, still halfway through, but I'm a bit miffed that Jacob's imprinted. I'm team... Switzerland? Because I honestly think Jacob has equally good chances of being with Bella as Edward has, going by dynamics. But I'm not Meyer, so Edward/ Bella, Jacob/her, I'll accept. Case closed, yay.

Summer is joy for many but me. I hate the sweltering heat, the unbearable sun and the worst of all, the perspiration. I do not enjoy being tanned or burnt either. The tropics is definitely not the place I'd want to settle down after retirement. I'm going to risk my health for some snowy winter then! Exciting! One of my goals now is to pick up some German. Three guesses why!

Cassandra my secret stalker missed our lovely date lastnight because she had maths tuition. Which is sad, 'cause I'm no fan of maths. Figures aren't good at anything, except when it involves my monetary fund going in the positive y-value direction in correlation with x-time, in my case. ;) I do not own a flattering height nor weight either, so sod figures. They aren't cheesy words that make you laugh when you're with your buddies but sniff and cheer you up when you're all alone and depressed, nor sound advice, nor a drug. They're all part of logic, cold, hard, factual. Not exactly the answer to my mundane life.

Jacquelyn saved the day night by joining me for a short walk at the park near Macs, offering our bodies as baits to the bloodsucking insects, and, another short bus ride down Thomson area, then back for a stayover at my place. We had our usual dose of chat, much silence and a couple of jokes. I also brought along my pseudo-DSLR prosumer camera and gave it a good stretch.

I've plans for the upcoming week, and I pray really hard that my plan goes as planned. But if it doesn't work out, that's because I haven't prayed hard enough, like I always. I take my faith for granted, so much so, it's pure passive belief, and no action. Salvation is through both faith and action, so I'm obviously lacking. Talking. Just talking. Wonder when will I start walking?

In a way I admire the zeal displayed by fanatics and typical pro-choicers/atheists/et ceterians when they go on strikes, wars or whatever for their religion (that includes those that don't believe in God or anything because they're apparently so passionate and proud of that, it's no different from a religious fanatic, except they don't call it a religion). Mind, it's the zeal I'm speaking of, not the cause. (I'm simply stating my stance clearly so as to not risk being chased by certain persons or organisations with a white hot poker and court order papers. I have a low pain threshold.) Their causes are questionable, but I am either in no position or the mood to question them.

And I'd like to take this chance to thank everyone who has been through my previous and present entries. I apologise for not replying comments! And a special thanks to smittenly who has been continually showing her support for me by commenting even though I haven't returned the favour nor made very substantial replies to her comments on my entries. She's been through a lot recently, so I really think she really deserved a mention here for being such a loyal eljay friend like I could never be (my other readers, I'm assuming, are all my real life friends... I'm flat broke! XD)!

Thank you, Tea.

Off to Changi Airport now to escape the afternoon warmth, and to chill out with my friends. Await more granny stories, people. (That sounded a lot like 'bye, suckers' didn't it? LOL!)

Aug. 14th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

In the beginning, there was honesty.

Should I actually post this entry? I think i've always heard people say, 'think less, do more' so maybe I should just post it. I could be wrong on this. Firstly, I can't even quote people right (except for Oscar Wilde's famous 'Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable it has to be altered every six months' and I'm suspecting I probably got it wrong somewhere too), and I paraphrase poorly. And secondly, did I actually hear such a saying before? Or am I making things up because I'm always excusing myself, especially my actions?

I'm never really someone honest. I used to lie about trivial things, things like a spilt drink or a missing CD, and I don't actually feel bad about lying. It's saying something to save your skin, as opposed to actually doing it. Haha, there are times when I try to rationalise every action I do, so whenever I say something, it's more likely than not witty and possibly laced with a nice touch of sarcasm. I kind of like it, because it makes me sound a lot smarter than I really am (I've no idea what made me say those things, it seems my mouth has a mind of its own because my brain only registers what I've just said after it's being said), but I loathe it a lot too, because it probably made me sound a lot like a bitch. An intelligent bitch. Note, I personally do not think I'm very smart. And I'm not sorry if you think I'm attempting to put myself above the rest. I'm feeling honest today.

As I grow older, I find lying to be rather burdensome. It carries a lot more weight than what I'd bargain for. Since then I'd like to believe I've lied less. What about white lies? Going by Christopher Boone's (?) definition of a white lie which means, I paraphrase, telling the truth, but only part of it , I've told numerous. It isn't a lie. I'm nearly finishing with The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time a book, given to me brand new by a lecturer, which I found utterly captivating and inspirational despite the the strong atheist belief of 'no God yadda'. I think it's one of the few reasons why I decided to write today. Do autistic people/children really think like that? If not all, some? That they cannot comprehend something that logic can't provide answers to? What fascinated me was how truthful he was. He never misses details, which I do, because I never look. I always glance. And while he thinks lying means you picture something unreal and say it, I personally don't picture anything, I just go straight to saying something that didn't happen. What does that make of me, I really wonder.

But I do know that lies make me very scared of being truthful. To be truthful means to be weak. When I feel upset, I pretend I'm not, I lie to myself, and to compensate for the hurt that I'm bottling up inside, I release all that frustrations by making my words cut, and most likely on a someone who happened to be nice to me at that point of time. Occasionally, very rarely, I'd end up in a full-out confrontation. Because I hate the idea of constantly pushed to be on my feet to retaliate or to attack in a proper confrontation. I'm scheming. I do things in the dark because I hate showing weakness. Or maybe I just fear being on the losing end. I'm honest.

My friends read my livejournal. Some, not all. Half the time I filter my entries to make it read-friendly, but today, after going through 85% of this book by Mark Haddon, I begin to feel liberated from all that attachments I have to people. Maybe it's those three minute kind of passion, but it certainly put me in the mood to write down this entry.

Today, I met a salesman, but he said he wasn't one he wasn't trying to sell me anything but sharing with me how to save money better. He called himself Ziven, and claimed to be from Prudential. He appeared by my side while I was reaching the traffic light across the library I was heading to and introduced himself with a very firm handshake. I suggested we cross the road first, then talk. He was possibly about early to mid twenties, and was about half a head taller than me, with an average standard of spoken English. Nothing unusual from your typical salesmen on the street. I was just a little surprised why he approached me. So I asked him why. He said, I paraphrase, that I looked like I had time. I said, you're right you caught me on a day that I'm free, otherwise I'd tell you off immediately.

He thanked me for giving him time and felt lucky that he wasn't turned away.

Ziven had a very obedient demeanour. It was his job I suppose to patronise with the people he approached. I was curt with my words though because whenever I'm speaking to salespeople I just turn into this awful person. Especially in the beginning when I shot him with questions like 'why is your objective in asking me questions? which company are you working for? what do you get out of this? does it involve money because I'm a student and I don't have a single cent to my name, I think you found the wrong person? and if I have the money I'd rather invest it in my studies, if not charities (I've no idea why I said this, I'm not charitable)!'. He kept quiet then he'd find an accosting answer like 'I understand blah blah...' in a very assuring tone. He looked harmless enough, but the more he did, the more edgy I got. I'd come up with the most ridiculous answers to his questions. I felt good, but also a deep uneasy murmur in the depths of my heart. It came to a part when he suddenly asked if I was Christian. I said I was. He asked which church do I attend.

I said I do not divulge personal details. (I insisted on this till the very end, so he has only my e-mail address.) Because he is a stranger and I do not say things like that to a stranger even to one who has me talking for a good solid 15 minutes. But it sounded so un-Christian like to actually say that, 'like look, this is personal okay?'. He went to say he used to go to this church with his cousin at Novena, and asked if I just came from there. He was right about me coming from Novena, but I didn't come from church. Actually for a moment I thought he stalked me all the way from Novena. But okay, that sounds crazy and I'd like to think sometimes I'm a very rational person.

Well it didn't end on a very nice note, but I thanked him and wished him all the best in finding someone better to question. But what I regretted what sounding really nonchalant and looking bored and uninterested throughout the entire conversation, when I actually was listening and had some interest in what he had to say about saving the right way. I lied about not being interested in knowing how to save well. But I told the truth when I said I didn't care about most figures. If they didn't scare me, they put me to sleep.

And Ziven doesn't believe that the world will end soon. While Aliff does.

Anyway two days ago, my school held a logo design workshop for secondary school students, and we were put in[-charge of a group of Marists. I thought they were cute and receptive, and one of them was born in France! I've never really missed secondary school, but seeing how happy they were, how naturally they were together, joking among themselves, with me, with some of my other friends, I felt a bit sad to leave my secondary school days. Sure there were unforgettable events that happened when I was a secondary school student, but I wouldn't label them to be secondary school days. I categorise them under -- well, that's too personal, and I'm not lying.

It's a pity I forgot to ask them for their numbers. And they had a very pretty lady for an art teacher. Well, but I've had Joon Kiat who has a small boy personality. Very retartedly cute too, in his own little way.

The Marists + whitemira + me

I actually have a lot more to say. But I don't know how to say. Or what I should or should not say. I personally don't believe in free speech. I won't say I know exactly what free speech entails or what it doesn't, but from the words 'freedom of speech' I can infer that it means that there are no restrictions in speaking, verbal, print or through any other possible mediums. That means slander should not exist should free speech be in place. In free speech, we also support hate, racist, anti-whatever speech. Do I think it's wrong? I'll leave it at here. I don't really like reading people's entries when they talk philosophical, because I know I am not open-minded (and I'm honest about this), and I believe there is right and wrong, and I don't agree that it's a relative kind of thing. I'd be contradicting myself if I delve too deeply in my philosophy... of life? Of anything. It'd sound like I had an agenda or that I'm trying to propagate my ideology or something. But just know that I've a lot to say.

Freedom of thought? Yes. Speech? Not really. Too much restriction, bad. Too much of freedom, bad. I'm no environmentalist, but I can safely say most of us realise we're slowly putting ourselves and the entire world in danger of becoming expired sooner than we should be. Why? Because we had all the freedom, but little responsibility. But, did I help? No, I didn't. I'm witnessing our slow suicide, like a willing party playing right into the way of doom.

That brings me to another issue. I've no issues with smokers. Even my father smokes. But I was talking about it this morning after my typhoid jab at a cosy Starbucks outlet; that smokers are willing suicide parties. Except they're taking it slow, and enjoying it along the way. I think I used to pity them, but not so much anymore. This afternoon I thought of all the people who suffered asthma, bronchitis and all that respiratory conditions, all because their parents smoked. Why did their parents smoke? I'd like to think they're forced to, but it's more likely that they made the choice to light up. I talked about this because my friend was complaining about his incurable sinuses. Seeing people my age turn to smoking isn't a huge deal. I don't feel mad or weird or anything like I used to when I was 15. But thinking about their children makes me feel a little sad although they're not in any critical kind of condition.

I'm honest, and I think I might have offended people by saying so. Usually I'd say 'no offence' that's because I'm lying. And I won't at least for today. I wonder if I'll get some flames. Maybe my rebellious streak is finally kicking in when I'm in my late teens.

I'm contemplating if I should allow comments. Because I won't get any, and I'm not prepared to deal with flames. But I'll try.

I sound repetitive today. Long-winded too. But I enjoyed writing this entry. There's always space for more factual opinions. And I think I like the sound of that, very much.

Aug. 6th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent


when i think, i

then i dream, i

then i do, but i

it is slow, it is progress-less, it makes little sense

pure daydream, a night's sleep, a troubled sigh, a calm inner rant

i can't write, think imagine do

lost cause hope future

i witness, i know, but i never do

i magine what it's like to hold it in my hands, to hug, and then to touch. watch the face

i am anger in person i am depression in nature i am sinful in soul



Jul. 21st, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

Down with Homework!

I'd love to say I'm down with something other than school work, but no. Should I be complaining? I'm healthy, in a way (definitely not by what I eat), and I've a shelter over my head. Pretty comfortable life I'm leading minus the fact that I'm down with a mount of homework every single day.

Honestly I don't know. I'm doing what I like. But it's such a chore now that it's 7 projects on hand with looming deadlines. Not to mention, the communication skills paper I'd have to sit on this coming wednesday.

Doing homework is to miss out on sleep almost every night. I'm physically tired and mentally exhausted. But I can't loosen the reigns on myself, because really comparing myself to everyone else I'm a lot slower and have a tendency to be distracted, that's why! I'm already too slack on myself. I shan't give myself sleep for tonight as a form of punishment.

Well, about 5/6 weeks more before I fly off for my school trip. Which I'm looking forward to despite the prior jab I've to take, millions of prep and the horrible (I suppose) weather over there. I just hope I'd make it back fine, and better still, UN-tanned. I hate being tanned. In fact, I don't get tanned, my body goes straight to being burnt. =/

Homework calls. My command. Really. God help me.

Jun. 30th, 2008

Boyd&#39;s scent

Oh Germany!

You've fought the good fight and I'm proud to be your fan!

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