Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.



It is so easy to stay angry, especially when you're grieving someone that is still alive. In some cases, it's so much easier because there's a lack of guilt. You don't feel as bad for being mad at someone who is alive, where as you might feel guilty for being mad at someone who is dead.

I have endured a fair bit of loss in my life. In all forms. You'd think I'd be used to it by now, you'd think I would know how to deal with it, how to move on and leave things in the past. I guess it is just the kind of person I am. I cling onto hope. As my therapist bluntly put it - "you live in denial". Grief is a cycle, you are meant to move through the different stages. I tend to just get stuck in that denial area - sometimes slipping into anger, sometimes continuing into the bargaining portion. And then the depression. Of course. Yet, I never seem to make it into acceptance. The cool club. The place we all want to be.

I really struggle with letting go. I am SUCH a people pleaser. Someone would run be over with a bus - and I'd apologise. I have been walked all over so much in my life, to the point where it's a bit silly now. By family, friends, in relationships. I have convinced myself over the years that it was all my fault - that I was to blame. I have finally started to realise that it wasn't, which I think made me more angry. I was more angry because these people, made me think that I was the one in the wrong. They allowed me to live with that, and they took no responsibility for their malicious actions. I have spent far too long apologising - constantly saying sorry when it's literally nothing I could have prevented. I like to be in control, anxiety wise, and for some strange reason, it feels better when I'm the one mumbling those words that we were taught to say at such a young age. Those words that we were told it was polite to exclaim, those words we were often forced to say. Well you know what, I am NOT SORRY anymore.

Where are you going with this? I hear you ask... I want to talk to you about what it is like to grow up in a world where it seems like there is loss and grief everywhere. Except I can't at the moment, partly due to fear, partly due to legal reasons, partly due to not being able to spit the words out anyway. Like I have said, I have lost a lot, in a lot of different capacities. I don't sleep on the fact that I have a lot too, don't worry. Every day I try to remind myself how grateful I am for those around me, those I haven't lost.

I say "lost" but thinking about those I have "lost" NOT due to death, i.e. through abandonment. And I think, they're not a pair of keys, or a wallet. I know where they are, I know where they have gone. I have not lost them, it is NOT my fault. They walked out, they left. I think with this, it is fair to be angry. It is fair to be frustrated.

As Spencer Hastings would say, "You know what they say about hope, it breeds eternal misery". Which is (as sad as it sounds) kinda true. This is what bargaining is. You know, that stage in the cycle of grief? Step 3 on the way to acceptance? Hoping, wishing, praying. "What if" and "things could have been so different..." Frankly, they weren't. I don't spend a lot of time at the Isle of Bargaining. I tend to get back on the boat and sail to depression rather fast, but I think it is worth talking about. I think I bargain more when it comes to romantic relationships, as that is where I often feel like "if I was to have done something differently..." and I tend to get mixed up in my own thoughts.

"The next stop by request will be, depression. Change here for acceptance"

"Does anyone know the way?" The fellow commuters shake their hanging heads. 

Depression is a whole another topic, so we will take a detour and come back and visit another day. As for acceptance, oh honey, we're not there yet.

Loss is something that is spoken about a lot, but the kind I am on about is not.

Yes, we lose people to death, but we also lose people through abandonment, fractured relationships, break ups, people running away/going missing, for example. I can say I have experienced all of those, and not one is easier than the other. And that is just talking about physical people. You might have lost your career, health, stability or your own innocence. I have so much sympathy for those people, who deal with great deals of loss throughout their lives. It can be so difficult to explain, but imagine just not being able to hold onto anything. Like your hands are slippy and you're trying to hold onto a lot of jelly. The worst acne-dote and I am usually good at them.

Whenever I write anything, I just hope that someone, somewhere, will read and give a little audile "yes!" whilst doing so. Like they have found comfort, or relief in my words. Yes, I may ramble, yes I may not make a whole ton of sense. But these words come from my heart, they are just my feelings and they are just my thoughts. Maybe one day I will be able to sit down and tell you the whole truth. We will see.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx


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