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2. A saxophone is not a musical instrument, it is a way of life. A friggin shit awesome way, but nonetheless a way of life.


4. It is a commonly known fact that every saxophonist hates any and all trumpets. They will attack any "trumpoot" on sight.


The facts[edit]





Saxophone Idols[edit]


Bleeding Gums Murphy (Look out for his number one record "sax on the beach" its a real WINNER!)

Charlie Parker (AKA Birdy bird)

Nicole Cuntapay (AKA the best sax player Asian ninja ever)

Saxton Hale

Michael (Star) Trecker

Sun E. Raw Lin




Andrew Stihl, inventor of the chainsaw, from which most saxophonists take their inspiration.

Bob Vila (I mean come on he rocks!)

Bill Clinton (since he gets laid every night, even if by fat chicks, and was the president)

Sexy Sax Man

Saxophones are told to look up to the french horns, but as they grow, they realize that... it's too easy. Horn players can't actually get jobs in jazz bands.


Thomas Curtis. (He's also the bad ass woodwind captain that everyone loves, I'm just saying.)

Clarence Clemons (R.I.P.) (Man did Born To Run and Jungleland with Bruce Springsteen. He was and is more than half of the appeal of the E Street Band)

Zoot, from [Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem]

Mr. Saxobeat: a well known idol to the saxophone section through out the world, but was later discovered to be an auto-tuned saxophone

How to Identify the Breeds[edit]



Alto Players: The ego. They honestly are The Sax. Hauling their own brass in front of the section every single friggin time they solo has that effect on their minds. They idolise themselves, or, when proven wrong, will attempt to justify themselves with, "Charlie would have done it better." They also tend to mock the know-nothing trumpets. What is the difference in size of an alto and tenor sax? Nothing, it's an optical illusion because the alto player's junk is much bigger. The most amazing girls you will ever meet will play the alto... these are the descendants of the footsoldiers of the legions of Isildur. They will hold their own in the volume of the band, particularly on high notes.

Subspecies The section leader- usually either a hidden player or the coolest person ever. While the second is preferable, you will most often encounter the first. Use caution when approaching, and refrain from anything remotely fun around them, for they will "slowly suck out your soul." However, they are trying to learn your style, and will burst out into sexyphony-ness the moment you turn your head. The true sexophonist - the best player in the section can play altissimo eighth-note runs that the section leader can only gawk at. Normally unnaturally tall, these are always friends with the section leader. The regular people - as yet, none discovered. All saxophonists believe themselves superior to everyone else in the band.



Bass Sax Players: Usually have body odor and autistic spectrum disorders.

Kenny G: He's fucking awesome!

Saxophone Life Cycle[edit]


Main Music Genres[edit]


The Origin of the Saxophone[edit]

Saxophones originated as one of the origional fighting forces under Isildur during the origional conquest of middle earth. In this conquest the evil trumpets and trombones had taken the great ring for morgoth. The future saxophonists were rallied into the war when their colonies in mordor were destroyed. Once the tubas and euphoniums (not baritones because they suck) had the backing of the future saxes they surged forth and took mordor. Once the great king Isildur had obtained the one ring the captain of the saxophones tried in vain to convince the king to destroy the ring which would later be reforged into a sousaphone (see tuba page). After the death of Isildur at the hands of goblin archers the saxophones broke away from the army and became sentinels waiting for the heir of Isildur to claim the throne.










1. Thou shalt always flirt with all who are in thy band except the flutes for ( the majority of them) art teases and thou wilt never get anywhere with them. However most of them are actually head-over-heels in love with thou ( how could they not be?) and are too shy to show it.

2. Thou shalt flirt with all those outside of thy band.

3. Thou shalt flirt with all those inside another band. The reason for this is because, one) thou art a saxophone and two) thous wishes to bring said other band member into the fold.

4. Thou shalt make sexual gestures with thy mouth piece.

5. Thou shalt play thy Saxophone on the right or in the middle, nay the left.

6. Thou shalt always mock thy Trombone players, even if they are right.

7. Thou shalt always play louder, for thy Band Director can never get enough Saxophone sound.

8. Thou shalt get extremely excited over a new box of reeds.

9. Thou shalt always refer to thy self as Sexyphone.

10. Thou shalt decree all Trumpet players as obnoxious posers with small penises who can not tongue as thou can.

11. Thou shalt fight with the Dumb Majors, as the Dumb Majors are always wrong.

12. Thou shalt not date musicians who are saxophonists. But why? Thou may ask? Because it is rare to have a girl sexaphonist in thou section, and unless thou art gay, thou shall not date your section members. If you are lucky enough to have a female in thou section ASK HER OUT for she is a SEXY beast!

13. Thou shalt never regard the French Horns as equals, for this is never the case, you are better than them, no matter what anyone says.

14. Thy musical line shalt always be more important than the line of the clarinets and flutes.

15. Thou shalt not play without a neckstrap, for this is sacrilegious and does not make thou cool.

16. Thou shalt not glorify spit.

17. Thou shalt build a Wall of Sax in thy jazz band for Saxophones are the most important.

18. Thou shalt decree the tempo, dynamic and balance of every piece.

19. Thou shalt always consider using thy sax as a weapon (if need be of course).

20. Thou shalt always carry thyself proudly after all thee do have a noble bloodline.

21. Thou shalt always respect the tubas unless given a good reason, as they are thy ancient allies.

22. Thou shalt never consider the drum line as an equal section.

23. Thou shalt always strive to outplay the trumpet in every aspect of music.

24. Thou shalt enjoy the mellophone as an instrument, for its success at replicating the glorious saxophone sound.

25. If thine dumb major decrees that thou needest increase thine volume increase it by no more than 3 steps.

26. Thou shalt always blame anything wrong with thy band on the trumpets.

27. Thou shalt never complain of the weather during a rehearsal.

28. Thou shalt decree the baritones as kiss-asses and raise thyself above them.

29. Thou shalt always make fun of the clarinets for being small and quiet and painful to thine ears.

30. Remember the band is thy domain so rule it like a boss.

31. Thou shalt play careless whispers at random and inappropriate times.

32. Thou shalt always covet your placements, especially in jazz band. None shall play thy part but thee.

33. Have confidence in thy playing, for none play better than thou.

34. Thou shalt always practice safe sax

35. Thou shalt respect thy SAXtion leader.

36. Thou shalt refer to saxophone sectionals as either SAXtionals, or GROUP SAX.

37. Thou shalt never break thy reed, as reeds are sacred wood.

Role In History[edit]







The first saxophones were gifts from paladine but he also gifted mankind with the steps to make one. First you must gather platinum, or magma from Mount Doom for the construction process 3lbs for a soprano 5lbs for an alto 13lbs for a tenor 20lbs for a bari. Then you must travel to pluto and get the mineral saxoPWNium (which is only known to saxophonists). Next you slay 19 dragons and a sea serpent and cut out their hearts and take their skins. Tan the hides of the dragons for use as reinforcement for the platinum/Doom magma. Build a fire of the hearts of the dragons and the sea serpent and craft the saxophone over it using a granite hammer weighing 50lbs. Finally you must have sex with Olivia Wilde and have the saxophone present, this fills the intrument with the extreme awesomeness required.

The method[edit]

1) Use protection - wear a neckstrap. Safe sax is better than no sax at all. Remember that, kids.

2) Blow hard. NO, harder than that.

3) Look like you know what you're doing. Most saxophonists choose to wear shades to hide the joy in their eyes at that written solo so they seem serious.

4) Tuning - Fuck it.

5) Movement - Always use hardcore body movements so that everyone notices you. Use every part of your body to move.

6) Give it beans - better to be loud, wrong and the center of attention than quiet and lonely.

7) Whack everything in the altissimo range - because you can.

8) Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers around.

See Also[edit]

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