THE ACMES A Tiny Toons Adventure by Morgan Ingersoll ( Based on Tiny Toons characters and concepts owned by Warner Bros. Inc. Fan fiction story copyright 1996 Morgan Ingersoll. Act One "London's burning with boredom now..." ----The Clash "I am industrial-strength bored," Babs declared emphatically, sunbathing on a warm June afternoon. "Me too," Buster sighed, taking shelter underneath the umbrella protecting their lunch. "Let's go out dancing tonight, Babsy." "I'd like that, but I would rather do something with the gang. We haven't been all together since the semester ended." "You're right," Buster admitted. "Maybe we could work on a play or something. Keep in shape y'know." "Ah!" Babs cringed, rolling over onto her side and resting her cheek upon her palm. "That's too much work, Buster. There must be something we can do, something different, *and* fun." "Bonjour, amis!" Fifi called as she walked up the path past the rabbits. In her hand was a transistor radio, playing rock and roll. "Hi, Fifi!" Babs cried, hopping up and meeting her friend. "Someone oughta get you a Walktoon. That thing must be over thirty years old." "Oh, but I like it," the young skunk admitted, showing it to Babs proudly. "It belonged to my Uncle. I keep it 'cause it reminds me of France, and so I don't get so homesick." "Can I see?" Buster asked at Babs' side, taking the radio carefully from Fifi. "It's got a nice sound!" he noted, seeing that it only picked up AM. Then, looking at the dial and listening to the joyous noise tearing from the instrument, a light flashed in the rabbit's eyes. "Hey, that's it!" "What is it?" Fifi asked curiously. Buster handed the radio back and gave the skunk a quick kiss on the cheek. "I got an idea of what we can do, Babs!" he cried with glee. "We can get us together a rock and roll band!" "That's a cool idea!" Babs laughed. "Let's start auditions as soon as we can! Whoopee!" The girl bunny danced around Fifi for joy, and bumped her hip against her friend's. "Spread the word for us, will you, dahling? We can meet in the auditorium. Pete can let us in I'm sure!" "Yes, I will!" Fifi sang, happy to hear something exciting was happening in these dog days of summer. As Buster and Babs packed up their stuff, the skunk moved to speak, but was suddenly shy. "What's up, Fifi?" Buster asked, noticing his friend was anxious to tell him something. "Ohh, its nothing," Fifi sighed. "I will see you at the school, Buster and Babs." Turning up the radio, she skipped off for Shirley the Loon's place, feeling sad that she had not the courage to say she knew the drums even if her friends believed she was joking... At four Pete Puma opened the doors to the auditorium and let the mob of fun starved toonsters trample him with delight. Within a short time a level of order was established and with Babs claiming keyboards and Buster claiming rythum guitar, the auditions began in ernest with a red-faced Hamton, who played an energenic jig on his fiddle. "That's fine, Hamton," Babs said gently, pinching his cheek as she sent him off, "but this is a *rock* band. Why don't you go around and see if someone wants to form a country band with you." "Ah!" Hamton exclaimed, his face brightening. "That shouldn't be too hard. Thanks, Babs." "*Next!*" Plucky Duck played a boiling electric bass and was hired on the spot. Shirley moved in with her custom tambourine with crystal chimes, and, after a fierce musical battle between Calamity and Montana Max, the coyote genius won the day with his ability to tune his guitar as well as keep it well wired. At last, all was set except for the toon to sit at the drums. Fifi screwed up her courage and took her steps up to the stage. "I would like to volunteer," she said, hoping she did not sound overeager and false. "Oh oh ho, no!" Plucky cried, shaking his head and waving his hands before him. "We can't have a girl playing drums! It's silly! "Can it, Plucky!" Babs said, taking Fifi by the hand. "I didn't know you could play drums!" she said to the skunk with a gleeful smile. "Oh mais oui!" Fifi said, feeling very happy to have a chance. "Our family was very musical growing up and I was so encouraged to play the drums!" "It's out of the question!" Plucky protested, stamping his foot. "Do you realize how much testosterone is needed to play the drums! We need a *guy*!" "Gangway, coming through!" Dizzy cried, rushing up to the drum kit while Buster and Babs argued heatedly with Plucky. The young devil tore into the kit and ripped it to shreds, much to the delight of the toons on the floor and to the horror of Pete, who knew the destroyed set would cost him his paycheck. "Stop, you namby pamby twister thing!" Arnold bellowed as he took to the stage. Dizzy, upon hearing the pit bull's barking, froze in the air and then reversed his spin, sucking debris back up from where they had scattered and reconstituting them back into the drum kit. "You go and leave, little girly whirly devil!" Arnold said, plucking Dizzy up and flinging him out into the mob on the floor. "You are wanting testosterone, I give you testosterone, Mr. Daisy Waisy!" The muscular canine took up the drumsticks and dropped one, tearing the skin one of the drums. He stared at the slight damage with disbelief, yanked Furball up the the scruff of the neck, and quickly repaired the tear with a bit of the tape from the yowling cat's tail before releasing him into Elmyra's waiting arms. "All better now." Arnold muttered, walking off whistling. "A girl can play drums as well as any boy can when she knows how!" Babs cried, pressing her finger against Plucky's chest. "I say Fifi gets an audition!" "You're just saying that because you're a girl!" Plucky scoffed, determined to win though he had exhausted all two of his arguments against the French skunkette playing the skins. Babs turned red with rage, grabbed Plucky's bill and snapped it off his face. "Babsy," Buster said, trying not to laugh at his pal's embarassment. "Give Plucky back his bill." "He doesn't need it to play bass," she said, tossing it high out of the mortified duck's reach. "Oh yes he does," Buster said, grinning wide. "Oh, yeah," Babs said, holding the bill high in the air as she slipped around to Plucky's rear, "you're right." With that, she clicked the bill open and let it snap soundly upon duck's kelly green behind. Plucky growled and hopped up and down with the humiliation. "Hey, kewl," Shirley, said, unable to help herself enjoying the sight of the punishment her boyfriend richly deserved. "Instant karma!" "Okay, gang!" Buster cried once Plucky had recollected himself. "Everyone to their instruments! We're gonna give Fifi a try!" The toons on the floor happily cried their approval and got ready to be rocked. Fifi sounded the count and Babs rang out the opening chords to "Louie Louie". The rest of the band crashed in and the auditorium shook with joyous abandon. As the song came to a solid end the audience hailed the band and begged for more. "Looks like you're in, Fifi!" Buster said, giving her a high five. Plucky sighed and gave Fifi a reserved thumbs up, loathing to admit he was wrong. Shirley lightly slapped him across the back with her tambourine and gave him a wink. The band ripped into a set of similar numbers, including, at Plucky's sadistic request, a rock version of "Bolero", which Fifi performed sharp and clean for over twenty minutes straight and dialed in the duck's respect for her right then. The set finished up with a giddy version of the Fleshtones' "Right Side of a Good Thing", which had the group leading their enraptured fans out of the auditorium and around the campus until all six collapsed into the swimming pool for a well deserved rest. "I think this was a good idea, don't you?" Buster laughed, backpaddling around Babs. "Are you kidding?" Babs laughed, dunking him underwater and then joining him. Act Two "So unplug the jukebox and do us all a favor/ That music's lost its taste, so try another flavor..." -----Adam and the Ants The following morning, Babs, Buster, Shirley, Plucky, Calamity and Fifi met in the recording studio at the music building to practice and put down some tracks for the fun of it. Little Beeper held court in the engineering room, when Calamity wasn't running in to twist a pot or two. The Acmes, as the sextet came to call themselves, decided to cut the songs live and work toward a Phil Spector kind of feel, cranking the amps up as loud as the mics could stand and working up that wall of sound. Calamity, Buster and Plucky worked with Fifi to wear the morning away with hard rock classics ranging from the Beatles to the Clash and Hootie. After lunch, the girls took over, pushing the wall of sound to the max doing Marvelettes and Ronettes tunes they had been steadily polishing off at slumber parties for years. By evening they had enough sonically saturated tape for two albums, which got Plucky to thinking... "No, Plucky!" Buster said emphatically over a pile of weenie burgers. "Don't even think about it." "But why not, Buster ol' buddy?" the emerald duck hiccupped. "We got us a gold mine here from this one day! People will go wild!" he added, dollar signs flashing up in his eyes. "This is just for the fun of it, Plucky," Babs said, staring levelly at the scheming fellow. "Our money's already on its way once we start our cartoon careers." "Babs is right," Fifi said, pouring him a liberal amount of wine, hoping to dope him down. "We already have our livings lined up for us. Let us just enjoy ourselves and entertain our friends." "Its a shame we can't like share this stuff with the world," Shirley said, seeing some sense in Plucky's idea, "just for one night, or some junk." Calamity grabbed a clean napkin and drew a picture of the Acmes in a televsion studio performing for a camera and a live audience. "Cool idea, guys!" Buster said, snatching up the napkin and showing it to Babs and Shirley. "We can go on K-ACME and do a live concert!" "Yay!" Fifi said, jumping up and down for joy. "This idea I like!" *And I like it, too,* Plucky said to himself, rubbing his hands together as a conniving smile played upon his bill. *If I can get one demo tape out to someone and get them to watch...the guys will *have* to listen once a big producer wants to see *us*!* "Plucky!" Babs growled, noticing the look on his face. "What are you up to?" "Ohh, nothing," Plucky grinned, grabbing another pile of weenie burgers. "Just getting ready for another helping!" he added, humming happily to himself. "'Cause I've been waiting so long for something like this/ "I'm not taking any chances, but how can I resist?" ----The Fleshtones It wasn't as hard as Plucky thought to get his hands on a copy of the tapes, for demand around Acme Acres for the recordings was so great Calamity was happy to oblige anyone for the price of a bag of cassettes. Friday and Saturday nights the Acmes played the Ink and Paint Club and in true toon style, Buster and the boys would gleefully wreck their guitars while the girls took cover. "Is way too much testosterone for moi!" Fifi joked, watching with her buds safely off stage. In the week before the live broadcast the sextet at times developed into a octet when Dizzy and Sweetie were invited in to play saxophone on numbers where it was called for. These cuts were added to the next "LP" which the toonsters were crying for after seeing the Devil and the Birdie in action on stage belting out on Gary U.S. Bonds' "Quarter to Three" and the Fleshtones' "Roman Gods". Meanwhile, The Acmes happily shared studio time with Hamton and his bluegrass band, filled out with Barky Marky on stand-up bass, Furball on banjo. Some fun hybrid jams occurred, and Hamton played fiddle on an impromtu run of the Who rock classic "Baba O'Riley", which Little Beeper had the fortune to have taped and so the cut was released on both Acme and Hamton J. Pig Trio tapes. Finally the night arrived, with Buster and Babs psyched to the max. Fifi, however, was getting a case of the cold feet. "What's the matter, Fifi?" Shirley asked the stage-shocked skunk as they waited in the dressing room to go on. "I am getting so nervous," Fifi sighed, wringing her hands. "We will be in front of millions of people!" "Like we've been playing to packed clubs all month," Shirley said, pulling off her necklace. "Don't worry about it, you'll do fine. Here," the loon offered, putting the chain about her friend's neck, "this crystal will calm you. Now let's get out there and knock them out!" "Merci, Shirley," Fifi said, feeling much better as she took up the bird's tambourine and tossing it to her as they left for the stage. Elmer Fudd introduced the Acmes dryly, not wanting to make a fool of himself, but he did anyway for he fell off the stage as he lost his sight in the spotlight. Bugs helped him out of the orchestra pit and sat his partner down in his seat. "Couldn't help yerself, could ya, Doc?" the rabbit grinned. "Ha-ha-ha-ha," Elmer replied as the curtain fell down off its rungs and Gogo Dodo swept it off stage right. The Acmes tore into "Dancing in the Street", Babs's personal favorite. The pink rabbit worked the crowd, firing them up for what was to come. The group ran the good-feeling "Hold My Hand" and then did a heavy Clash block and an Adam and the Ants double shot. Then Dizzy and Sweetie were unleashed, and drove the audience wild. Next, the girls ran their supergirl group set, with Sweetie joining in both on harmony and sax. For the finale, a condensed version of "Bolero" mixing into a roaring Zeppelin- Who medly culminating in a destruction fest that even Babs and Fifi couldn't resist joining in at last. In all the excitement, having trashed his guitar, Buster grabbed an unsuspecting Plucky by the neck and started whacking the duck repeatedly to the stage upon the fanny. Realizing his blunder, the blue bunny dropped his friend and cracked up laughing. "Hey, I could get to like this!" Plucky cried, joining in with hysterical laughter as the newly replaced curtain crashed down again as fireworks shot up at the conclusion of the concert. Act Three "I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still..." ----The Crystals Babs finally got to sleep at close to nine a.m. she was so pumped from the show and the party following. The Acmes, after rebuilding their kits were happy to run through some more sets off air for the audience that refused to leave. During the eleven o'clock news K-ACME went back to the post-concert bash and stayed with it until it finally broke up around three that morning, after Sweetie suggested they run through the famous Bonds hit at the time it celebrated. At three that afternoon Babs arose to oatmeal topped with carrot shavings, her ears still ringing at her sides. It was a glorious feeling that had her pondering whether a toon, or a group of toons, could launch a music career in the rough and tumble entertainment world. But her brains were rattled too much to take such ponderings for long, she had to see Buster alone for a little while so all of this could sink in. The Acmes had broadcast live to the western United States for one hour, and at least four nationally, for word had gotten down that K-ACME's network had patched in. It was delicious... "Can you imagine what this could mean, Buster?" Babs sighed, curled up at his side under the maple tree over his burrow. "What if they liked us, *really* liked us?" "It would be cool," Buster admitted dryly, not wanting to pump up Babs any more that she was. "But chances are no one of *importance* was watching. It was late on a Sunday night anyway, and we were up against *Disney"* and *60 Minutes---Unplugged* in the first place." "Well, its just a thought," Babs said, realizing that Buster was just as excited but was trying to bring her down to earth. "It was a heck of a lot of fun, and lots of people had a good time. That's what we did it for, anyway." "Still, it would be cool," Buster repeated, a little more dreamily this time, "if someone out there was watching..." As if in answer to Buster's musings, a 1992 Corvette pulled up to the side of the road and a pecculiar looking middle-aged fellow stepped out and peered out over granny shades at the rabbit duo. "Euhh, excuse me," the man said in a voice so quiet only a bunny with sensitive ears could hear him from that distance, "I'm looking for Babs and Buster Bunny. Are you any relation?" the fellow added, a mischievous gleam coming to his eye. Babs shot to her feet as a scream lodged itself in her throat. Gasping for breath, she grabbed her chest and stammered, "Omigod! Buster it's----it's *him*!" "Who?" Buster asked, rising to his own feet. Then his jaw slammed earthward as he recognized the visitor. "Y-you're Phil Spector?" the blue bunny asked, slipping into a Judd Hirsch impersonation to hide his shock and nervousness. "Most of the time," Spector said, approaching the rabbits. He paused and sat down gingerly upon the swing Buster had put up for he and Babs, and the man just fit in it. "I saw the broadcast last night," he said, swinging away in the shade as Babs began to melt from the excitement of meeting the man responsible for the sounds she had devoured since she was a pencil test. "Fantastic." "You saw everything?" Buster asked. "Even the seven o'clock show?" "Yes I did. I made a tape of it straight away, I hope you didn't mind. From the stuff the duck sent me I knew it would be worth it." "You got a tape of us?" Babs asked, having drawn her voice back from the shy dusty corner of her brain. "Plucky sent you a tape?" "Yep. Played it right to death. You guys could go places if you put your minds to it. But then," Spector added, grinning, "you toons can do anything." "Oh! Mr. Spector!" Plucky cried, running up with Calamity. "There you are! Buster! Babs! This is Phil Spector!" "We've met, yes," Buster said, his voice level with caution. "Mr. Spector tells us you sent him a tape of ours..." "Yes! Yes!" Plucky cried with orgasmic joy. "And he's here! He loves us, don't you?" "Of course," Spector said, pushing against Plucky as the duck had lept upon his lap and was trying to hug him. "I catch your show any time I can." "I don't think you came all the way here to get our autographs did you, Phil?" Babs asked. "That would be nice, but I also came to ask you to do some touring. I've been looking for a change of pace and you guys might just fit the uh, bill," Spector said, wincing as Plucky's bill snapped off in his hand. "Ohmigosh!" Shirley the Loon cried, materializing out of the ether hand in hand with Fifi. "I thought I like felt some good vibrations, or some junk!" "Mon Dieu!" Fifi cried with glee, leaping up and replacing Plucky in Spector's lap. "How do you do, M'sieur Spector?" "Enchante," Phil smiled, glowing with the affection the skunkette was showering him with. "Uh, we're flattered and honored, Mr. Spector, sir," Buster said meekly, "but we're not wanting to make a career of this or anything..." Plucky whined and frantically tried to replace his bill in time to head off Buster's words. "Oh, I understand, believe me," Phil Spector said, gasping a bit as Fifi bestowed another round of kisses over his face. "I would rather you continue in your cartoons 'cause that's what you were made for. However, if you would like to do some dates over August, throughout North America and Europe maybe..." Fifi screamed and joyously hugged Spector. "To even play in Paris, M'sieur?" "Certainment, ma jeune fille. And I promise you, you all would be back to Acme Loo in time for the new sememster." "Darn!" Babs joked, snapping her fingers with mock chagrin. "What do you say, gang, shall we tour the world with Phil Spector?" The Acmes cried their approval. "Great, that's super," Phil said with a smile. "I'll get with Spielberg over the particualars and collect you as soon as we're ready." Spector rose from the swing and shook Buster and Babs' hands as Fifi happily rode him piggyback. "There's just one thing, though." "Name it, Mr. Spector!" Buster cried. "Anything!" Babs chimed. "Could I have a new tape of your music? Mine's plumb wore out." Spector grinned and pulled out a curly mass of recording tape from his jacket pocket. "No sweat!" Buster laughed, clapping Calamity upon the back as the coyote saluted. Epilogue "St. Louie, Louie/Ohh, baby/I said, me gotta go..." -----The Kingsmen Spector observed as Little Beeper and Calamity did their magic in recording the best of the Acmes tunes for a release in the musical industry proper over Warner Bros. Records. As promised, the toons went on their tour of North America and took Europe by storm, and by sheer luck got to jam with the Fleshtones one night during their own tour of Spain. Fifi rejoiced at being back home in France again and visited all her friends relatives around the country, saving her visit with her father for last. They had not spoken since Fifi had decided to go to America to study under Pepe le Pew. Her father had been displeased with her deserting France to learn from that "expatriate" when there were perfectly good animation schools in Paris. On the day the Acmes were to play, Fifi attempted to reach her father by phone but received no answer. She could not find the nerve to knock at his apartment and so simply left a note under his door, asking him to please come see her perform with the band that night. The Acmes were well received by the French and in tradition the girls all received roses, but Fifi was eager to receive her father. Babs and Shirley accompanied her to her dressing room as she was beginning to feel as if her heart would break. Yet she found on her dressing table a bouquet of white roses, with a note therein from her father, proclaiming in simple words that he loved her. The Hamton J. Pig Trio enjoyed its own level of success when they were invited on the Bluegrass hour Sunday mornings on K-ACME after the station manager saw their set at the Ink and Paint Club. The group did their own tour of the country and even slipped over to England for a bit, running into the Acmes, where Hamton cameoed for "Baba O'Riley", and Babs with Calamity slipped into the trio's set for a bit of a honky tonk jam. At the end of August, The Acmes returned home and put on a special concert for Acme Acres and before the final number Buster sadly announced that this would be their last performance for a while. The band knew that this would be their heaviest semester yet coming, and they did not need the pressure of a regular slate of performances hindering their studies. They closed with renditions of Wilson Pickett's "Midnight Hour", Aretha Franklin's "Respect", and a long medley of anything hard fast and fun. The Acmes refrained from smashing their instruments, though, for they knew they would be back one day to rock the world Acme style. The End Hoping you enjoyed this Tiny Toons Jam Session. Fifi's episode in Paris was inspired by Kevin Mickel (HKUriah)'s speculations on the relationship between Fifi and her family. Feel free to take it from here, Kev. :) Lyrics appearing herein are used without permission, but are presented as color to the story and tribute to the songs themselves as to the joy they bring. Yes, the Fleshtones are a real group hailing from New York, NY. If you come across their albums give them a try, you won't be disappointed! And on that note, stay tiny tooned! Morgan Ingersoll (CamCoon) 14 July l996 Happy Bastile Day, Fifi!