Let's just call last night's Bachelorette what it was: a string of dates so bad, Andi had to get an elaborate, volumized fishtail braid at trip's end just to cheer herself up. The vaguely medieval hair was perfect for the Game of Thrones bloodbath she executed at the rose ceremony—but before we get to that, we need to discuss a few things.

Most predictable: Andrew

Just as I mentally pegged Andrew as a sure source of Euro-travel bragginess, he opened his mouth and offered that he's "spent some time in St. Tropez and Monaco." Luckily, the camera cut away before he could fully become that guy whose French accent that "still comes out sometimes" years after his three-day jaunt to the region.

Best "are you kidding me?" look: Chris Harrison

Early on in the show, Harrison asks Andi if she's falling in love and she goes, "Stahp! Don't ask me that!" He literally just blinks at her, like, "Don't ask you that? Asking you that is my entire f—ing job. Now kindly spit out a sound bite so my Structure chunky turtleneck and I can get to our make-your-own-macarons-seminar."

Most solvable problem: Josh/athletes cheating


Not trying to show off my math skills, but it sounds like Josh was in the minors from ages 17 to 22. He's now 29. So maybe we don't need to spend this much time worrying that he'll cheat on Andi while living the athlete's life on the road. Unless they trip and fall into a time machine, the concern is moot.

Best impression of old married couple: Andi and Brian in the kitchen

Poor Andi. Once in the kitchen, Brian decides to play a spontaneous game of "I'm a disgruntled husband, and you're just trying your best—what else can you do?" Andi chops away, wondering why he never wants to come up behind her and hug her. She tries a bit of conversation: "How does your mom make potatoes?" "HOW SHOULD I KNOW? I JUST EAT THEM! CAN I GET A MOMENT'S PEACE AFTER A LONG DAY'S WORK BEFORE YOU BARRAGE ME WITH IDIOTIC QUESTIONS? I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS!" OK, I made the last part up, but suffice to say this glimpse into the sands of time wasn't as much fun as wearing orthopedic shoes with JJ.

Most traceable bad mood: Brian

Wait, though. Did anyone else think it was obvious that having to cook wasn't what put Brian at a level-10 grumpy Gus? The man has been awash in roses and feelings for weeks now. He would give his left anything to see their private movie screen light up with a Fast and Furious installment, even with subtitles. But no. Brian has to watch Helen Mirren slowly let her walls come down to give love a second chance. And for the sake of ABC corporate harmony, he has to call it "a blast." He's a shell of a man right now, people.


Is Dylan OK? Part 1: Reading the note

I imagine Bachelorette producers watched Dylan read the date card in the same state of sweaty tension NASA operatives experienced during the Apollo 13 mission. He really almost didn't make it, and there were no words on the card. But at least he got to celebrate by holding it up in a totally normal way.

Speaking of weird date-card behavior: Andrew

Yeah, smell it, Andrew. That's appropriate and helpful.

Modesty award: Andi


I'm all for propriety, but one really doesn't need to duck behind a curtain to put on gloves, suspenders, and a hat.

Is Dylan OK? Part 2: Mime class

There is zero doubt in my mind that one second after this frame, Dylan poked himself in the eye with his own thumb. The mime is already wincing, but Dylan will have no real reaction to the pain.

Worst setback to international relations: Miming in public

Well, these kids now have a month of nightmares about low-flying ape mimes to look forward to. (For the kid in a stroller, make it a year.) The NSA should hack the French president's cell phone just to distract from this disaster.

Favorite drunk pilot: JJ


Something about the full effect of JJ's look here made me want to get off a plane at all costs, even though I wasn't on one. The leather bomber/tie/half-closed eyes is very: "G'afternoon, folks. We're gonna be cruising at something-something feet, who cares, does anyone have a pizza? Give you 50 dollars for it."

New thing that needs to be over: "What better way"

Everybody on this show always thinks they've found the best way to do everything: to get to know each other (beach dinners), to cap off a night (fireworks), to just...let loose and have fun! (groups of men doing mandatory dance routines). They are always wrong. Last night, aforementioned drunk pilot said: "What better way to have a conversation than riding a Ferris wheel?" What better way? Lots of better ways! Lots of better ways. Let's retire this Bachelorette Mad Lib.

Cutest fight: Nick and Cody

The one thing you never make fun of someone for is being grateful, OK, kids? Love, a blinking Care Bear.

Biggest overall flame-out: Nick


Nick is very suddenly the worst. He's a sulky mime, and then he thinks he deserves a group-date rose for writing a list of bodily reactions to seeing Andi on a scrap of paper. "When I see you, I blush." Yeah, we love hearing about men blushing, especially when it's bitterly mumbled. More of that, guys of the world!

Best overseas habit: Andi's rose ceremony stance

For some reason, in France, Andi holds the roses very high, practically at chin level, and fixes her eyes determinedly in front of her. Are we settling or bowling here?

Saddest exit quote: Patrick

"I've heard from multiple people, and not just girls, that I have qualities that are paramount when it comes to being a husband." Poor Patrick. I feel he will be genuinely confused when a call to ABC HR from his dad's best golf buddy does nothing to get him this job back.

Down went dbag-duo Andrew and Patrick (of course Patrick went home; have you literally heard Andi say his name the entire season?), along with Marquel. But I happen to think Marquel is being groomed to be, finally, our first black Bachelor—he's certainly the most likely candidate in show history, and who can picture any of the guys who are left carrying a season? Not me. Can we get back to Marquel basics and set the next Bachelor in a cookie mansion?