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Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My adult son has been married and divorced twice. He has two children from his second marriage. He is now living with, but not married to, another woman, and they have just shared the news that they are expecting.

I am worried and heartbroken and wondering what went wrong in his upbringing.

He recently told his two kids about the baby and they were nonplussed. He seems to be expecting us to be happy for him. It is hard.

I have some other kids who are doing fine and are encouraging me to say something to him about how we are all feeling. I am hesitant to do that as he has cut me off in the past when I have upset him. Any ideas?

-- Worried

What is this "something" you're supposed to say? "Please don't screw this one up, too"?

Be warm, be welcoming, be there for the kids in whatever way you possibly can. What the two kids and the baby-to-be are likely to need most is stability, and you and the rest of their extended family can provide that. And love.

Judging their dad undermines stability, so resist the temptation to butt in. Please.

Maybe he will screw this one up, too, because whatever led to the first two breakups remains unaddressed. But it's hard to see how a chilly reception from his family of origin is going to be the catalyst for his doing the hard emotional work when two divorces haven't woken him up yet.

It isn't hard to see, though, how a chilly reception from you would persuade him to return the favor.

Plus, you can't rule out the possibility that he's finding his way to stability. My question queue over the years has provided me with a steady stream of testimonials from people who made a mess of their emotional lives early on, and who eventually figured things out.

The line between loving people nonjudgmentally and enabling them may seem like a fine one, but your son is an adult making decisions that he's entitled to make and that are apparently, if sometimes misguided, all attempts at living well. Answer love with love and hope for the best.

Re: Worried:

My ex's mom openly admitted to me that her son is a selfish loser who treated me poorly. (He is, and he did.)

But the sweetest thing she said was that she loved him anyway. She tried to figure out where she went wrong with him, because her other child never mistreated a significant other to this degree, but she also recognizes he's an adult now who screws up a lot, and she loves him just the same.

She'd never tell her son that he's a selfish loser, but her acknowledging it to me made me feel so much relief that our breakup wasn't my fault. Love your son just the same as if he's been divorced three times or married for 60 years.

-- Relieved

You and the mom both sound lovely, thank you.


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