♥Day 121 - Problems resurface

Submitted by intriqued on
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I met up with my girl after what felt like a very long week and half of being apart. I was excited and looking forward to sex but there was a little nagging feeling in my head all day long. Had the last successful time been a one off?

We spent a chilled night at her place; food, wine, kissing, cuddling, flirting, laughing. After dinner we got more physical and moved to the bedroom. I remember running down the corridor with a large erection. But in her room it went. Nothing. So I'm left with just my fingers and tongue. The night becomes all about her. She loves that but as usual I feel left out. I can't get any pleasure myself. I can't be my dominant self. Frustrating. I tell her I'd be thinking about 'fucking her brains out' all day long. She says in her usual patient and understanding way 'We I'll just have to wait' and smiles.

Around 4am I wake up to go to the toilet. When I get back into bed she murmurs and puts her arms around me. We cuddle in our sleep and her hand unintentionally rests on my cock. I get turned on which she notices and so starts to gently stroke me. I kiss her really deeply as she starts using both hands. I am now fully erect, full hardness. I pull her close to me and she guides my cock inside her. We have sex for a few minutes and it feels amazing. Then we both realise this is incredibly stupid because I'm not wearing a condom and she is not on the pill. It's all we want but we resist the urge. We play for a bit and then fall back asleep.

This morning she wakes me up with a blow job but as usual I don't ejaculate. After 10 minutes I pull her towards me and we kiss. She goes for a shower and I masturbate out of intrigue but I can't really get hard. Masturbation actually felt odd. She comes back into the room, puts on her makeup for work, then says we have 20 minutes to play. She drops her robe, walks across the room, and sits on me. The feel of her soft skin, her breasts in my face, her smell; I get so turned on. That was an interesting direct side by side comparison. It's great to see myself being more receptive to a woman's touch and presence rather than my own hand. Exactly as things should be.

All in all this was a mixed bag. I thought after our last night together that I was fixed. This was unexpected, annoying, and confusing. What was up in the evening? Did I psyche myself out thinking about this? We smoked a joint before dinner which may of had an effect...

In the middle of the night I had no problem getting or staying hard. So what was different then? In my sleepy state I had no thoughts, there were no expectations, it just happened. When we were together a couple of weekends back we had sex all night and I was hard the whole time. I was also very drunk so again wasn't thinking much. Based on these two situations I'm sure the problem is now just psychological. I need to learn to get to this state of no thoughts or worries naturally. Easier said than done. Relaxing, breathing, no expectations. I've tried it all. It's tricky for me as thinking hard about things is a large part of my character.

Another thing is I'm finding condoms really kill it for me. We loose all the spontaneity and I loose immersion and often my erection. I'm really considering talking to her about going on the pill again. Obviously that's her choice. She talked about it before and didn't mention any side effects for her other than larger breasts. When I have an erection I want to be able to put it to use instantly rather than running the condom gauntlet.

I left her place this morning with a head full of negative thoughts and insecurities. Am I actually going to solve this problem? Is my sex life always going to be like this? Is this fair on her? She loves sex so much. I feel like suggesting she should go and find another man. Or maybe we try for another month and if it doesn't work then we call it quits. Because each sexual interaction like this with her brings me down. She didn't say anything about it. Part of me is amazed she is still with me. I feel like asking her why. Why haven't you turned your back on this? I guess she must really like me.

It sucks because everything else between us feels great. We are so comfortable together. She's the person I want to see. When we say good bye it feels like we didn't have enough time together. I want her to stay in my arms. There is still so much I want to talk to her about, so much I want to find out. I don't know if she feels it but I think I may be falling in love.

In general I'm not an insecure person but this situation has me worried. I've already lost a girl I love from ED. I really don't want this to happen again. I want us to have a great relationship. I want us to have a great sex life, I don't want it to be like this. I need to talk to her but at the same time I don't want to put pressure on her. I don't want her to feel any sense of obligation to stay in this relationship.

And all of this because a part of my body is not functioning properly. Crazy!


I know what you mean,

I know what you mean, condoms are a tough go. But, don't you find the wonderful skin to skin contact all the preliminary , romantic type bonding, the other sensations you mentioned incl. smell, ARE these not wonderful?

I understand your frustration but maybe just go easy on yourself. Enjoy the wonderful trust/bond you two have that allows such close , intimate contact. You think you are falling in love, sure sounds like it, enjoy my friend, it's beautiful.

Your day121 - problem seems more like a good thing to me.

Please be well, I really am inspired by you
your friend

Condoms make a huge

Condoms make a huge difference for me too. I don't know if others will agree, but in my opinion- if you have an exclusive relationship with this girl, & have both been tested as STD free, I'd ditch them & use the pull out method instead.

I stupidly had condomless sex about 4 days ago, I say stupid because it was, but it felt absolutely amazing. Feeling my foreskin being pushed back & forward by her pussy, & really feeling the wetness rather than having the foreskin being held still by the condom & having me just feel a kind of dull thud .... it made such a difference. But I reiterate, safety first, especially re: STD's. Are you uncut? Maybe try & find a condom that allows your foreskin to move. & if you find one that actually works, let me know about it, haha.

I totally understand where

I totally understand where you're coming from.

My last.. and first GF I had, I broke up with partially for similar issues. The other issues were what really put me over the edge on the decision to break up, but no doubt my ED was an issue. I didn't know that's what was going on at the time, I just thought I had performance anxiety, which to an extent I did.

I find that with myself sometimes when I TRY to have an erection just by concentration I can do it, and other times I can't because I'm not relaxed. This was also a huge factor when I was having sex with my ex because she would always have distracting music on, or have tv playing on an epicly huge 8 foot projection screen right behind us. Yeah, that was distracting. Try having sex with your girlfriend when you can't concentrate because you're worried about your dick and you're having to listen to random bullshit from Malcolm in the Middle on an 8 foot projection screen 5 feet away from you. LOL.

Not that I've had success yet, but I would say do everything you can to loosen your inhibitions and just be in the moment. Things were best for me when it was silent, things were very dimly lit and I was relaxed. If you can eliminate the element of fear that you have, that will be a big thing. If there's no pressure things will come easier... literally.

It sounds like she already knows what you're dealing with, and any woman who is capable of understanding our problem and willing to be there, is a keeper in my book. I'm jealous.

I actually love to give oral to the ladies. It doesn't bother me at all. I'm VERY turned on by women being turned on and the female orgasm. For me, if it's a night to focus on her and for her to have orgasm's... as long as I'm supplying them, I don't feel like I lost out at all. It helps strengthen the bond that's already there. I know my ex felt shamed or less than that I couldn't ejaculate when we were having sex. I ended up ejaculating ONE time when we had sex, unfortunately we were going at it pretty intensely and I slipped out right at the moment of climax for me so I came outside of her. She was pretty disappointed but glad that I had had an orgasm at all.

Just keep on going man, don't get frustrated by what you imagine she may be thinking because you may be totally wrong. Also, she wouldn't be with you if she didn't want to. Anybody can be anywhere they want at any time and if she's still with you, it's because she cares about you.

Is there any chance

you two could take a time-out from orgasm-driven sex, so there is NO performance pressure on you? It's evident that your body is fine, and all that's left to clean up are some cobwebs from your past experiences. It's relaxation that makes for erections...as you could clearly see if you were looking at your stories more objectively. By taking the pressure off, you will get where you want to be.

Especially if she's up for the pull-out method, then just connect as a meditation...not trying to orgasm or make her orgasm. When things die down, disconnect and go on with other forms of sensual contact. And then tune-up again when Mr. Happy shows up again. Make the rhythm like breathing.

If your girlfriend loves sex so much, she'll love karezza too. It's clear that she's in this for more than the penis-induced-orgasms. If she waited two months, she'll certainly be able to enjoy a few weeks of non-goal oriented bonding-based lovemaking. Maybe the two of you could read this book together: http://www.reuniting.info/tantric_sex_for_men_richardson Or ours.

You two can only benefit from exploring other options. You never know when they'll come in handy down the road. Too much hot sex, believe it or not, can become a problem.

damn and I thought I was

damn and I thought I was almost ready at day 51 ... Wow I hope I dont still experience these same situations with females after my 90 day reboot because that would just kill me .... Well just try to relax and not be too nervous ... Sex is always alot easier when your not really thinking about it and just focusing on being in the moment

Small input

Though things have improved for me by leaps and bounds years of failed sexual encounters put a self doubting voice in my head as well. For me the two things I do that help the most are to concentrate on two things only...my wife and my breathing. I pay attention to every detail, her scent, her curves the feel of her skin, I let the negative thoughts drown in her sensory input. I also focus on breathing deeply and slowly. The breathing keeps me relaxed as well as energizing me, it gets the chi flowing if you will. Everytime a negative thought pops up I breath in deeply the smell of my woman and focus on one of her many attributes, visualize the negativity flowing out of you as you exhale. As Marnia said relaxation is key, staying calm and in the moment with your woman is the recipe for success. Youll get your confidence back just stay calm take your time.

Winston Churchill


I know for us guys our erections and our capacity to get them is the most important thing in this world, universe and any other universes, if there are any, but here's the interesting part, listen carefully, FOR WOMEN THEY'RE NOT. This is so hard to hear, in fact its near impossible to really absorb for a guy. Its like trying to tell your woman she's not fat even if there isnt an ounce of it on her.

You wont loose your woman because your penis is a little finicky right now but you could loose her from obsessing about it. See, obsessing about your erections sends your girl a interesting message that you're probably not aware of, and that is, during sex your more absorbed in yourself, in your perceived problem, than focusing on her. Your up and down erection is consuming your attention rather than her. Yes, I understand that you want to pleasure her but if you look a little deeper its really about you feeling good about yourself, feeling like your a real man. Solid erection = manliness. Unfortunately, uptight man = limp dick. Believe me, I understand, I wouldnt like it either but falling apart over your penis's performance and feeling sorry for yourself about it wont turn her on or impress her much, giving her your undivided attention during lovemaking will though.

Make HER the center of your attention during skin to skin time. The smell of her hair, the softness of her curves, her eyes, her smile, those sweet spots on her body that you love to caress. Tell her how you feel about her, how beautiful she is, how you love to drink her in. Women want to be adored and then adored some more. IDHW has got the right idea in his post, get lost in your woman, see her divine femininity, LOVE HER!

Your love is a much more powerful force than your erection, focus on that.

Don't worry, you'll get your erections back. Just be sure to stay away from that porn and masturbation stuff.

this still scares me!

Makes me want to give up sex! The only time I felt erect and performed well was with my ex. But she actually cared about me and I felt no pressure. I don't want to sleep with random girls but I'm scared someone decent will be disappointed and turn me away. Did you have any experiences with pmo or women prior to this?


I suggest you stay focused on where you want to end up, not on past wobbles. Anxiety doesn't work in your favor here. [aberaber]

Darryl is spot on!

That post is a keeper, I'm going to try and take it to heart.

Living in the past can lead to depression and living in the future can lead to anxiety but living in the PRESENT can lead to PEACE.

I agree with Darryl,

adoration is so important to women. I am in a similar situation to you intriqued, only I am not as rebooted so I don't get as hard as you from the sounds of it. I obsess *sometimes* about my (lack of) erections but I have actually discovered what Darryl said is true, my girlfriend loves my presence and attention to her. It sounds like your girl loves this about you too. My woman and I love being together too and often don't want to part. So don't worry about your penis, it sounds like it's healing well. I hope things keep getting better and better for you.