How to cope with multiple bereavements

Death of a loved one is always terribly hard to cope with, but trying to deal with multiple bereavements can seem an almost impossible task

Woman standing outside in fog
Blasius ErlingerGetty Images

The death of someone we love is a devastating experience. When that grief is intensified by further deaths, it can feel completely overwhelming.

The psychological task of dealing with multiple deaths at the same time is extremely complex. Grief feels like fear, which can turn into terror when followed by another death. Each death hits us in the same place and often our hearts feel as though they are physically breaking.


This, combined with the ramped-up shock and pain due to the pre-existing grief, means we have a diminished capacity to cope. One woman I knew lost her mother and was then hit by the sudden death of her best friend. I remember her saying to me:

"I was already lying on the ground, feeling pretty broken, now I feel like a truck has come along and just run me over - and the two people who would both help me are dead! I don't even know if I want to try and get myself up again, because it feels like the minute I do something else disastrous will come and get me."

I also worked with a couple who were having marriage difficulties because the husband's parents had both died within six months of each other, and the cumulative grief had remained frozen inside him. He had switched off all his feelings, not knowing how to deal with it, and he felt very confused. If he focused on his mother's death, he felt he was not acknowledging his father's and vice versa. A default way of coping for him was to work very hard and then numb himself with alcohol at the weekend. His wife had tried to talk to him but he shouted at her, as if she was intentionally wanting to hurt him.

Bojan KontreGetty Images

How to cope

The ways we find to support ourselves through multiple bereavements follows a simple pattern to how we deal with a single bereavement but it is likely to take much longer, and require even more support from those around us so that we can accommodate and adjust to the losses.

There is a societal tendency to want order and to be able to fix things, which grief certainly disrupts. All grief, but certainly 'grief overload', requires endurance, and the task is to face the reality of the losses, and slowly find a way of having trust in life again, which can feel too dangerous and high risk.

For the above-mentioned husband, we started by putting in place a regime that supported him physically: regular exercise, a balanced diet with less alcohol and relaxation exercises every day after he got home from work.

Over time, this gave him the psychological strength to address the death of his parents as individuals. He began writing a journal, dividing the focus between parents, so at least on paper and in conversation he could attend to them separately. For others, joining a support group can be effective – it softens the sense of isolation and the feeling that you're the only one who feels this way.

A senior problem

The most common section of society who experience multiple griefs is the older population, whose partners, siblings and friends die regularly. We need to give them special attention because the culture they have been raised in is to 'keep calm and carry on', but the statistics show that they are often depressed and not coping well.

Friends and family need to create opportunities for them to talk about the people who have died, gently asking them to reminisce and tell stories, and listen – not probing too hard, but allowing them to find a way of expressing themselves. Once, I befriended a tough Glaswegian man whose wife and brothers had died, and who was himself diagnosed with cancer. We worked to create a healing relationship that helped him acknowledge the extent of his losses and grief, and in the process soothed him too.

Recognising that this process takes a very long time is vital. Self-compassion and love from others are the key components that allow us to endure so much pain, and learn to rebuild our life.

Julia Samuel is a bereavement counsellor and author of Grief Works, available here.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below
More From Wellbeing