Friday, August 31, 2012

Justice League International Annual #1

Is it a bad sign for Blue Beetle that he's hanging out with Justice League International? Get away from them, Blue Beetle! You'll catch their curse!

This issue had better be good! It's only missing Jim Lee to have the top three jerks in control of DC working on this issue. I wonder if Dan Didio had to work on this book with Geoff Johns so he could keep reminding Johns that the series had been canceled?

Geoff Johns: "You know what we should do? I'll hint at a traitor in the midst of the group. And for four or five issues, I'll keep mentioning it and leaving clues as to who it might be. But then six issues in, we'll just make the traitor the person the internet has speculated on the least and then everything will unravel in a gigantic crossover involving everyone in the DC Universe!"
Dan Didio: "No. Stop it. Knock it off! Not every story arc has to involve every hero in the universe!"
Geoff Johns: "When was the last time we used Brother Power? What if Brother Power ended up being the guy behind the mask of the big universal ultimate evil? Yeah?"
Dan Didio: "What did I just tell you? This is one issue! A single issue! Don't seed future plots. Don't involve anybody except the Justice League International. Just a beginning, a middle, and an ending! Got it?"
Geoff Johns: "Okay, okay."
Dan Didio: "Fine. Great."
Geoff Johns: "..."
Geoff Johns: "But how'd you like the Brother Power idea for another comic book?"
Dan Didio: "Oh, fucking terrific man. Brilliant, yeah? Keep it up!"

The issue begins with a note saying that the events of this issue take place after Justice League #12. Maybe that's because they'll all be gossiping about Wonder Woman and Superman fucking. I bet Kryptonian penises are barbed! And Amazonian vaginas are light Venus Fly Traps. These two are probably the only ones in the DCnU that can actually fuck each other.

Justice League International are in Africa (again?) trying to rescue some U.N. Weapons Inspectors that have been taken hostage. It's too bad because Batwing thought he'd finally escaped this group of losers last issue. But here they are on his turf again, dragging him into their inability to save the world. But for once I actually have high hopes for the JLI! Dan Jurgens isn't writing the book so that's a good sign. Unless Geoff Johns and Dan Didio feel they need to respect Dan Jurgens vision of these guys. You know? Don't fuck with established continuity!

Booster Gold is chatting with Guy Gardner from some command location. He's trying to convince him that the real Justice League were going to meet them and work together. Perhaps it's because Hal Jordan left the team and the Justice League is recruiting. Or, as Guy thinks, Booster is simply lying and trying to get them to give it their best.

No, Wonder Woman is going to be grossed out.

The mission is successful with just one small quirk: the maniac they were after blew himself up. But all of the hostages were recovered and not one member of the team ended up unconscious! Seriously, though, rescuing the hostages was a major feat. Justice League International's first mission for the United Nations was to rescue some surveyors and they forgot all about them once they started fighting little rock men. I suppose those guys starved in the rainforest months ago.

Why does the United Nations have to approve new members? Aren't they being funded by Bruce Wayne now? Or did I just make that assumption since I knew the United Nations were embarrassed by these guys when Batman told them they were fully funded. I just figured Batman was doing it to keep them out of trouble.

I should probably scan in the reveal of the two new heroes in case someone didn't actually look at the cover.

I hope all the fanboys aren't upset when it's revealed that The Olympian is gay.

Seeing Blue Beetle (or The Olympian's hot abs?) completely freaks Guy Gardner out. Perhaps he's having a moment of mourning as he remembers Ted Kord from the Pre-52 Universe and can't handle going through all the hijinks and shenanigans between Booster and Beetle again. Or maybe he realizes he has a gigantic Third Army crossover that he's going to be late for if he doesn't hit the road already.

Or he's just unsure of Booster Gold's motives. I'm also unsure why keeping this crappy team together is so important. But then Booster knows the future! Maybe this team somehow keeps the timeline from ripping apart?

Apparently The Olympian and Godiva have some kind of past where he chose becoming a God over coming on Godiva. But he's given back his Godhood for another chance with her. In other words, he lost his Godhood somehow and now he's got to spin it in a way that sounds romantic. But Godiva can't seem to stand him.

And Blue Beetle just came by to speak with Cyborg because Beetle is under the mistaken impression that this is the effective Justice League.

I get the feeling Johns isn't reading Tony Bedard's Blue Beetle. Because this is the moment where the scarab would freak out because Jaime is telling everyone his secret. And then Beetle would begin blasting everyone.

Booster explains to Beetle that they have a guy like Cyborg on their team as well and he goes by the name of OMAC. He thinks OMAC can help since OMAC broke free from Brother Eye. I don't really think this such a good idea. OMAC doesn't need to be controlled by Brother Eye to be dangerous (even though OMAC is currently being controlled by Brother Eye! Yes, Brother Eye is back online and took over OMAC back in Africa). Asking OMAC for self-control tips is like asking the Hulk to give you a hand job.

I don't actually know how those two things are similar. I just wanted to provide everyone with the image of The Hulk giving someone a hand job.

Booster Gold calls the team together because they're about to go on their first mission for the United Nations. Booster says he knows the future and says that Justice League International will eventually be greater than the Justice League. He might be misremembering some of his history lessons from the future. Perhaps if Skeets were here to help clear things up. OMAC isn't around for the meeting so August General in Iron goes off to find him. He finds him downloading information in the security room and gets blasted by a Brother Eye style bolt from OMAC's fin.

August General must play a lot of Modern Warfare 3!

I wonder if a rift in reality can be formed by making statements like the caption above if enough know-it-all nerds read it at the same time, snorted in unison, and proclaimed, "Actually, blah blah warfare blah blah Art of War blah blah blah."

I should probably be careful about saying things like that. I once killed a girl when I kept pronouncing Linux with a long "i" at a New Year's Eve Party. She kept correcting me and when I kept pronouncing it wrong, she just became more and more frustrated with me. And then later that year, she died from an embolism in her brain. I should probably be more careful with the things I say since I'm so powerful. Um, and remorseful! Very remorseful. Not bragging about the tragedy my super villain powers caused at all.

OMAC is also very powerful and he proves it to the rest of the League in a very disturbing way.

Somebody get me a welder's torch, stat!

Okay, so OMAC didn't actually decapitate August General in Iron like I was hoping thinking. He just removed his helmet. But that's killing August General anyway because he's become one with the armor.

It doesn't take OMAC long to begin beating the shit out of the rest of the Justice League International. But it isn't just Brother Eye controlling OMAC. Someone else has reprogrammed Brother Eye and OMAC to do his bidding. My guess is it's Maxwell Lord. Got to get him back in the pages of Justice League somehow, right?

Blue Beetle puts up the best fight against OMAC until OMAC accesses Beetle's Scarab's controls and forces it to open a Reach Boom Tube that sucks Jaime back to the home planet of The Reach. That probably won't last for long because it would interfere with Blue Beetle's comic book series. Unless it's simply the beginning of a gigantic Geoff Johns Crossover with The Reach. Blue Beetle does manage to stall OMAC long enough for Booster and Godiva to get away. But instead of coming up with a plan, Booster confesses his sins.

Well of course that's all you memorized! You came back as a Time Thief! But where the hell has Skeets gone? He knows shit. He was with Booster in an issue of Stormwatch so I know he exists!

With the rest of the members unconscious, Booster Gold employs his final trick.

Is the Skeets protocol the only thing left of Skeets in the New 52? Did the artist in Stormwatch just completely fuck shit up by including Skeets?

At this point, everything should wrap up nicely. It's just an Annual after all, right? Yeah, but it's an Annual written by Geoff Johns and Dan Didio. It looks like my little fantasy conversation at the beginning of this comic didn't account for Dan Didio not having any say in Geoff Johns and his need for crazy, over-the-top, continuity raping stories. Because what happens next is all build up for another universe ending, time destroying, gigantic cross over disaster.

Once Kevin changes back, time stops. Booster Gold is confronted by Booster Gold. The future Booster Gold has the ability to stop time (unless that's Rip Hunter's doing) and he's wearing an A.R.G.U.S. badge.

Fucking Christ! Somebody put a leash on Geoff Johns already! Does everything have to be an all out end of everything disaster? Ceasing to exist now? Is DC planning another Reboot already? Or are they setting the stage for returning to their old Universe?

Booster Gold is talking about stopping Superman and Wonder Woman hooking up. Apparently that's going to be the end of everything. And it instantly begins when Future Booster Gold goes all Marty McFly on present Booster Gold. He ceases to exist right in front of him. And not too long after that, present Booster Gold disappears. And Blue Beetle never comes back!

Later, Batman has a conversation with Brother Eye. Brother Eye tells Batman that Brother Eye's new programmer will kill Batman if Batman doesn't join with him. But the programmer is never revealed. The issue ends saying the story will be continued in Justice League 2013. That must be the story arc that was hinted at in the Coming Soon section of Justice League #12 where Batman and Superman are fighting. The League splits in two. A huge war begins. And Justice League America is created with a new version of Vibe. Things must be pretty awful if Vibe is back. Ugh!

Justice League International Annual #1 Rating: No change. I believe I've made it policy to not change the ranking of a comic book on how good or bad (usually bad) an Annual is. But that was the last Justice League International story. I must say Geoff Johns kept them the loveable in-fighting losers they've always been. August General in Iron is on his deathbed. Godiva and The Olympian are hospitalized. OMAC is gone and Kevin Kho is in a khoma. Guy Gardner walked out just in time. Blue Beetle was teleported to another galaxy. And Booster Gold has ceased to exist. That might be their best ass kicking ever! I'm glad they saved it for the Annual!


  1. This annual leads into Blue Beetle #13, where Jaime is stranded on the Reach homeworld. Read the solicits once in a while. And also, Jaime has started to get a better hold on the scarab as seen in issue 12 of Blue Beetle so perhaps that is why he is able to talk about the scarab in front of them.

    1. "Read the solicits once in a while." Yeah. How dare I have a natural reaction not influenced by advertising for future story lines. Some people do enjoy being surprised by plot points. Like how I was surprised that Jaime was sucked off to another world.

      And if you can't tell, I generally use hyperbole and bullshit when commenting on the comics. I guess I just forgot that The Scarab found Jesus last issue.

      Fuck. That really happened, didn't it? The fucking Scarab found Jesus. Although it does make sense. It was brain damaged so it'll believe anything. It probably enjoys Glenn Beck too.

    2. Hey, people don't have to be religious to be inspired by something from religion. Why all the hate for Jesus and people who follow him? Like me.

  2. "In Which I Refrain From Telling This Guy This Was The Dumbest Comment I've Ever Recieved."

    Why hold out on your hatred for me? If I found this, of course I can find the tumblr.

    And I only said it because you said, "Blue Beetle puts up the best fight against OMAC until OMAC accesses Beetle's Scarab's controls and forces it to open a Reach Boom Tube that sucks Jaime back to the home planet of The Reach. That probably won't last for long because it would interfere with Blue Beetle's comic book series."

    I just don't like it when people comment upon things when they haven't done their research.