11 Ways Your Pre-Sex Rituals Change After Marriage

You're not getting a blowout just for some jerk.

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1. No intense pre-sex hair removal before even sees you. Once upon a time, you might have put strenuous effort into eradicating every. Last. Hair. On. Your. Body. You made sure that you had fewer hairs on your body than you did before you hit puberty. It's not that now you don't care, it's just that sleeping in the same bed with somebody every night means that he knows that you have hair on your body that doesn't magically disappear when he whips out his penis. Also, because he's a quality dude and you married him, he doesn't really care!

2. Speaking of which: you don't get (or worse — give yourself) a Brazilian bikini wax on the same day you want to get laid. By now you know that you are sore AF after. It's literally a red zone.

3. Maybe you'll lotion. Maybe you won't. But chances are, most of the times you put on lotion before sex, he catches you squirting it all over yourself.

4. Maybe you're NOT wearing the sexiest underwear of all time! There's a chance you might not have time to an underwear switch, and nothing is a mood killer like, "WAIT! LET ME CHANGE OUT OF THESE PERIOD STAINED THINGS INTO MY SEXY LINGERIE!" So instead, you just sort of stealthily take off your holey underwear and toss it aside. It's about what's underneath, anyway.

5. There's just not time for that long pre-sex trip to the bathroom where you excuse yourself to put entire body under a microscope. For one, of your husband takes off his glasses for sex, chances are he can't see that one random nipple hair that sprouted during the middle of the day (HOW?!). And if he doesn't take them off, well, he won't comment on that stray hair. And it's just a waste of time to smell your armpits and to inspect your lady parts.

Also, you should watch this video if you've ever labored over getting ready for a date and hated yourself for it:

6. Getting undressed might be a lot less sexy and a lot more perfunctory. "Hi, can you unzip this dress for me? Because I can't. Thank you!" (One of the best parts of being married is having someone who can always zip and unzip the hard-to-reach zippers on dresses!)

7. You might not be 100% clean. The thing about married men is that they literally don't care if you're freshly showered or not. Maybe you just came back from the gym. Maybe it's the morning and you had a case of the night sweats. In theory, it's pretty gross, but instead of beating yourself up for not smelling like Bath & Body Works, you rejoice in the fact that they want you, because you're you. Not because you're a bottle of soap from the '90s.

8. You're not going to get a blowout if your evening activity is simply "sex." I mean, your hair is going to get messed up anyway if you're doing it right. No one ever said, "Sorry, I can't orgasm tonight, because I got this lovely blowout." Why blow $45?

9. Your pre-sex ritual might just be foreplay. If you're showering together, that is. But then you might just have shower sex.

10. There might be some wriggling out of Spanx. As body positive as you are, some dresses just call for body shapers. There's nothing wrong with that. And there's nothing wrong with that hilariously awkward moment when you try to shimmy your ass out of them before you have sex.

11. Sometimes, you just want to go balls to the walls and do yourself up like you did back when you were dating. Because getting married doesn't mean letting yourself go and smelling like a pile of garbage who rolled through the dirt multiple times. It just means that you have sex at times that you might not have let yourself have sex before – which is liberating. And if you do decide to strip your body of hair/take the world's longest shower/get a blowout/smell like Juniper Breeze, you know who it's really for: you.

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