Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Injustice League 3000 #11

I don't recognize Flash's enemy? Molly Ringwald?

The caption above is assuming the bald guy is Lex Luthor. I suppose the bald guy could also be Mirror Master, and then I don't recognize Superman's enemy! Molly Ringwald?

In honor of Messrs. Giffen and DeMatteis, I am going to recycle my Molly Ringwald "joke" as many times as I can. And it will be funny every fucking time, you hear me?!

Is that L-Ron 3000? And is that Ambush Bug 3000 way off to the left? Or Kick-Ass 3000?

This issue is called "A New Beginning." Just like that version of Little House on the Prairie starring Shannon Doherty! The one alternately remembered as Little House 66676. That's just my guess at the zip code for a Kansas address. I'm not even entirely sure what state Little House on the Prairie took place in! I know when the economy shit all over itself, they all moved up to Mankato which is in Minnesota. Unless it was Wisconsin. One of those cold states with people that talk funny and street urchins can get addicted to heroin and find a loving father figure who always wanted a son of his own but his damn wife failed him every time so that he became exhausted from digging tiny grave after tiny grave.

For some reason (and it might be the because I'm stupid reason), I thought the Convert physically went to Camelot Nine with the rest of the Fatal Five even though he never has to actually show himself. And when he appears in this issue, I still believe he's speaking through a person he's possessed. So it's still possible that Aquaman 3000 is the Convert! That's my Thanksgiving Wish! Do I have to kill a turkey and eviscerate it and yank out its wishbone and then stand over its corpse while giggling and playing a game where me and somebody else fight over one of its bones in the hopes of gaining a wish? Or can I just have the wish without the violence, humiliation, and desecration of a poor animal's corpse?

Hey! Hey! What do you think's going to happen, hunh?! Hunh?!

Now I have Bon Jovi songs stuck in my head for some reason!

Ariel Masters plans to use Camelot Nine as the headquarters for the JL3k Gang. Bruce thinks they need to hire a butler. Darn. I was hoping they'd work out of a van and hire a talking dog.

Superman 3000 and Teri Flash race each other because you always need a good Superman versus The Flash in a footrace every few years. Superman loses because he's out of shape. Does that mean Camelot Nine does not revolve around a yellow sun?! Are his powers running out?! If different colors of Kryptonite do different things to Superman, does he gain different powers depending on the color of the sun he's currently bathed in the light of? That story must have already been written somewhere when I wasn't paying attention.

Oh duh! Of course Superman's enemy is Lois Lane! I guess the marriage eventually hit the rocks. Dan Didio was probably steering the boat.

I'm getting awfully close to the super duper extra exciting last page that was mentioned in the credits on the first page! I'm as excited as Patton Oswalt's depression after two days without medication!

Meanwhile on Takron-Galtos (New Old Earth That Was!), a construction crew are excavating the ocean. Are they going to find Aquaman? Mera? A cache of Hostess Fruit Pies?

No, what they find is a cryogenic chamber. That was my joke guess because we all know what's going to be found already anyway because solicits and advanced cover screenings gave it away months ago! They're going to uncover Molly Ringwald.

Oh how sweet! They opted for adjacent graves!

I hate fucking spoilers. If I hadn't known Beetle and Booster were going to come back, I might have just come in my shorts right now with this revelation. As it is, it's just a big fucking yawn. I really do despise the comic book culture of having to know everything months in advance. Not that it's just comic book fans that eat that shit up. Television shows always show the big fucking surprise in any promo of upcoming shows so that the tender headed masses will perk up from chewing their cud and go, "Moo? MOOO! MOOO!" And then they have to watch whatever the commercial made look so exciting. But you know who those fucking commercials fuck over? The regular viewers! The viewers that were going to watch anyway and would have fucking loved to be surprised by the outcome of a show for once in their goddamned lives! I understand that DC needs all eight Booster and Beetle fans to know that they're going to be starring in this book so they'll pirate it on the internet throw their hard earned cash at it. But I'm really disappointed that I couldn't have been surprised by this.

Justice League 3000 #11 Rating: It's a good thing I'm not actively rating comic books this month or I'd give this a big minus simply because it reminded me how much I can't stand having stories ruined for me. It's a good thing books come out with all the chapters included right from the start or else the publishing companies would be advertising shit like, "Don't miss the last chapter of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! You'll never guess what the surgeons finally do to McMurphy! And you won't want to miss how Chief Bromden finally outwits the Combine!"

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