Tuesday, October 27, 2015

she loved cigarettes and misery

For a reason I will never understand, there are people in the world that only find happiness in being miserable. They blame it on life and circumstance. They don't understand that we are as happy as we make up our minds to be. There are many people in the world living in the most dire of circumstances that find a way to be happy. Survivors of the Holocaust found a way to find happiness in their remaining years. Yet there are people living normal/average lives that will always be miserable. These people often count themselves a victim when their life has been no harder than the average person living. We've all been through similar incidents but some of us pick ourselves up and move forward, never letting tough times define who we are.

A common trait among these people is that they are generally selfish. They will never put another living soul before them and they want to be the sole object of your pity. They feel no love that comes without a "poor poor pitiful" in front of it.

I am going to weave a little tale here of a perfect example of what I'm talking about and if you see a little of yourself in it, wake up now. It doesn't end well.

She loved cigarettes and misery more than she loved her people.

The lady never married well. She always found the one man who'd never be what she needed and then she'd blame them their whole life for it. If she'd married the right man then how could she stay the victim. So, she married 3 of them and was miserable with all three and the only common denominator in these relationships was her.

She told her parents that she'd never be happy until her older 3 kids where out of her house. On her daughter's 47 birthday she told her she'd never been happy since she graduated high school. So was it her children that made her miserable? Obviously getting them out of the house didn't make her happy. Maybe she just need them all to die so that she wouldn't be reminded that she had no love to give. She was home every night and put diner on the table for her family. That was her claim to showing love but it certainly was never spoken. Those were the only real times she showed up for them but it was also a way to show how miserable her life was. "All I ever did was work, cook and take care of my family." No one wanted her to be unhappy. Her family would have loved to see her happy and healthy. If they could have forced her to have lived a happier life they would have. It just doesn't work that way. So, they just watched it all play out, never commenting, like it was a huge family secret.

Her parents loved her dearly but would never take her side in this misery. They'd tell you all the stories of how she manipulated her way in the world and about how selfish she was. They knew.

She was always sick. It was her badge of honor. If you had given her the key that would unlock perfect health and happiness she would not have used it. You'd probably find it in the bottom of an old purse she had also forgotten. If you ever asked her, "did you ever use that key?" she'd have told you. "no, but I'm going to." That is what she always said when you offered her any hope for wellness.

The happiest I ever saw her was when the doctor said, "you have cancer." She turned with wonder and amazement and said, "see, I told you I was sick."  

I'd see her from time to time comparing her ailments to that of her peers. She always won. Of course she did. There is no way she'd ever admit that someone else might be sicker.

Her third husband died of lung cancer. At one point he stopped smoking when he still held out hope that he might get better. She never quit. She never even tried stepping outside to smoke to make his quitting easier. She just smoked and blew it in his face until he started smoking again.

Her mother had Congestive Heart Failure and it became the reason why she died. She was in and out of the hospital the last year of her life with it. She had a clean, smoke-free home to live in but this lady wouldn't stay there with her because she could not smoke there. So, she took her home with her and blew smoke into her face until she died.

Now she finds herself at the end of her life and the one thing she grips tightly to is cigarettes. Not her family, her sons, her daughters but cigarettes. She has one daughter who has chosen breath over her mothers misery and cigarettes. This daughter has to spend her days feeling like an asshole over this choice while her brothers and sister work hard to make sure this lady is cared for.  She will blow the smoke right into their faces without any care for their health.

At some point they may all walk away if they finally get enough and she will be left with the 2 things she has always loved the most, cigarettes and misery. And with that she might die a happy woman because cigarettes and misery have always been what comforted her.

Friday, October 16, 2015


What if you decided to like everyone you meet? What if you decided that you'd never let their differences divide the two of you? What if everyone you met liked you? What if they decided that they'd never let your differences divide the two of you?

Would we ever do it? Could we ever do it? If we could set aside fear then we could.

What if something happened that left you the last person on earth, would all of the things you worry about right now matter? Would it matter that people disagree with you? Would it matter that you disagree with others? Would the way people look or the color of their skin matter?

It only matters now because you are afraid. You're afraid of the future. You're afraid of your past. You are afraid that you are not lovable. You are afraid of God. You are afraid of evil. You're afraid of others. You are afraid of life. You are afraid of all of it because you mostly fear yourself. You fear that people might see the shadow of yourself that you cannot even love. If no one was around to see you go through life you could finally stand up straight and be who you truly are. You might be afraid of your future but your fear of others and what they think would go away. You might even want back a few of the people you didn't like before.


Exactly this.

Monday, October 12, 2015

name? title? income?

Recently I was filling out an online questionnaire that asked the usual personal questions like, age, job title, income and that sort of stuff. You know, the same old questions we've answered a thousand times. It's who we think we are and why wouldn't we think that? We've answered these questions A THOUSAND TIMES.

This time it occurred to me that I could answer any way I wanted. I didn't have to answer with facts. It amazed me when I thought about how before I had always be so careful to answer precisely. I don't know why. I started thinking about how, not only are the answers fact but also are equal to our self expectations. We go through life being exactly what we think we are capable of and not an ounce more. Most of us never shoot for the stars because we believe with such precision that we are what we fill out in these questionnaires, when in truth we could be whatever we want to be if we allow ourselves to reach beyond. If we cannot do it on a questionnaire then we probably cannot do it in life.

From now on, I'm gonna answer those questions affirming that I have already accomplished what I want from my future and that I have all of the money I could ever need.

You are probably thinking, "Why?" and I say "Why the hell not?" It worked for Jim Carrey when he wrote his self a $10,000,000 check when he was completely broke.

Going forward let's answer these things like our 6 year old self would have. That kid was the one that knew what they were doing. You don't have to lie, just dream big, like really big. So now answer this:

Name? Job Title? Household Earnings? 

Wednesday, October 7, 2015


Every time we gather and look to the women to cater to all the needs of others while the men lounge unaffected, that's a loss.Times are different folks. We are all grown people and should recognize that it's no more a woman's job than a man's.

If I go into a home where the women are all working and the men are lounging, I'm gonna lounge too. I'm not buying what's on sale. I know that there are task that are easier for one sex than the other but we can all wash a plate. We can all plate fruit and cheese. We can all clean the house. Don't expect anything of me. I'll not be meeting your expectations today.

A tiny bit of me dies when I hear people talk about how lazy the woman is in a home that's not clean when there's also a man living there. It is no more her responsibility than his.

I'll take up a commode and change the seal out. I'll take out an old faucet and replace it with a new one. I'll run a pressure washer, I run the hedge trimmer. I can do what we think of as dude stuff. I like to do a lot of it. In our home we trade out. No one is expected to perform based on gender. We both do what is needed.

I'm always going to write about equality here. It's just what I do. We are all equal. Maybe not equal in strength and endurance but equal none the less. If you want to see the strength of a woman, watch her give birth to a child. You will see strength beyond compare.

If you are a man reading this and you've not treated women as your equal start now. It will change your life.

If you are a woman reading this who has allowed herself to be treated less than men, hand him the broom and go sit down and prop your feet. You've probably be deserving of it for a long time. It will change your life.

Go over and read what Liz Morrow wrote about letting your tatas fly. Then if you are where you can, go outside with a cold Woodchuck Gumption, grab a seat and get some wind on those girls. 

Monday, October 5, 2015

daisies, baby deer, breath and all that is precious

B took me away this past weekend for my birthday that will be on Wednesday. The whole time we were away I just kept seeing so many beautiful things that reflected back to me something I’ve been marinating on lately.

Gosh, this is just a hard post to write. I don’t know why.

Sunday night we went to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant. It was packed and we had to wait outside about 30 minutes. This place drew people from all backgrounds. The people waiting ahead of us was a biracial couple. The woman was tiny and about as white as a white person gets and her husband was a small Hispanic man. They had two children. They were an amazing couple, just beautiful together. We also sat next to them and I watched the man take the smallest child out to change his diaper while the mother stayed behind with the older child. Their children were also beautiful.
While we waited a lesbian couple also joined the wait. They were so sweet and loving to each other, just the picture of young love. I loved seeing people cross over traditional gender roles. It makes one see that we can all be part without having to mold to stereotypical roles.

There were older couples, younger couples, as well as groups consisting of families and friends with varying colors of skin, all gathered just to share a meal. Eating at this place seemed to be a good representation of our society as a whole.

We all had a wonderful meal in our large group and in our own little individual pods. We were all so different when you looked at us on the outside but still so much the same at the level of heart.  

I know this seems woowoo to bring all this up but just being in these moments gave me a flicker of what life could be if we all just looked at each with love and kinship. If every person who walked before us was accepted just as they are, what miracles we could make. This gives me such a beautiful feeling.

Have you ever been outside as the sun was going down and felt the most perfect breeze blow across your skin? I think to that and know that this is what peace feels like. I just want more and more of it and I want to share these moments with people who believe that love can light the way. 
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