23 October 2008

What the Bible says about Sarah Palin's new clothes

Everyone's talking about Sarah's new clothes. But what does the Bible say about them?

Well, here is what the Old Testament says:

"Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together. Deuteronomy 22:11

I will punish ... all such as are clothed with strange apparel. Zephaniah 1:8

I don't know whether Sarah's clothes were made of blended fabrics or if God considers them strange. Someone should check into that.

But the big problem comes from the New Testament. Here's what it has to say:

Women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with braided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array. 1 Timothy 2:9

Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel. 1 Peter 3:3

So costly apparel is out -- for women, anyway. I think even God might consider $150,000 costly.

And lastly we should ask, what would Jesus wear?

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ... Therefore take no thought, saying, ... Wherewithal shall we be clothed? Matthew 6:28-32

So if Sarah cares about what Jesus said, she should either wear anything -- or nothing at all. Just like the lilies.

22 October 2008

Why should you pray for Sarah Palin?

All you prayer warriors out there want to know, I betcha.

Well, PrayForSarahPalin.com has the answer for ya.

In Ephesians 6:14-18, the apostle Paul warns: A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God's armor so you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against might powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will be standing firm.

OK, now you should understand. (Even though they got the verse numbers wrong. It's Ephesians 6:10-13).

You should pray because you are fighting on God's side and God is on Sarah Palin's side. Barck Obama is "of the devil". He and Joe Biden are not "flesh-and-blood enemies" but rather "evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world" and "mighty powers" of the "dark (black) world." They are allied with "evil spirits" in high places (like Washington and New York). This is the final battle "in the time of evil." You must "stand firm" by voting for Sarah Palin (and old what's his name).

Sarah feels the power of the prayer warriors

I can feel the power of prayer, and that strength that is provided through our prayer warriors across this nation.

That was Sarah Palin in a Focus on the Family interview with James Dobson. You can listen to it here.

If you want to be one of Sarah Palin's prayer warriors, you can go to PrayForSarahPalin.com and sign up. They are tying to get at least one Palin prayer warrior in each zipcode. (So far they have 3665! Yipee! But since there are a total of about 43,000, they still have a way to go. God will need more than 8.5% of the zip codes represented for him to intervene by rigging the election.)

You'd think that Focus on the Family would have learned by now. Remember when they prayed for God to send rain on Obama's acceptance speech?

Nothing fails like prayer.

21 October 2008

The Bible's guide to abortion

I don't know how I missed this before, but I did. There is a biblical way of having an abortion. A method that is not only approved by God, it was invented by him. He describes it himself in the book of Numbers (5:11-31).

It's a bit long and complicated, so I'll break it up for you.

And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying ... If any man's wife go aside, and commit a trespass against him, And a man lie with her carnally, and it be hid from the eyes of her husband, and be kept close, and she be defiled, and there be no witness against her, neither she be taken with the manner; Numbers 5:11-13

The first thing to notice is the context. This procedure is only intended for married couples, specifically for any man that suspects that his wife has been messing around. No proof is necessary; suspicion alone is sufficient to God.

Then shall the man bring his wife unto the priest, and he shall bring her offering for her, the tenth part of an ephah of barley meal; he shall pour no oil upon it, nor put frankincense thereon ... And the priest shall take holy water in an earthen vessel; and of the dust that is in the floor of the tabernacle the priest shall take, and put it into the water ... And the priest shall set the woman before the LORD ... and the priest shall have in his hand the bitter water that causeth the curse.... (5:15-18)

OK, I am leaving some of the details out here, so if you're going to try this at home, make sure to follow God's instructions exactly. There's no guarantee any of this will work otherwise.

And the priest shall charge her by an oath, and say unto the woman, If no man have lain with thee, and if thou hast not gone aside to uncleanness with another instead of thy husband, be thou free from this bitter water that causeth the curse: But if thou hast gone aside to another instead of thy husband, and if thou be defiled, and some man have lain with thee beside thine husband: Then the priest shall charge the woman with an oath of cursing, and the priest shall say unto the woman, The LORD make thee a curse and an oath among thy people, when the LORD doth make thy thigh to rot, and thy belly to swell; And this water that causeth the curse shall go into thy bowels, to make thy belly to swell, and thy thigh to rot: And the woman shall say, Amen, amen. 5:19-22

This is the part that fooled me. I get the idea that if the woman has been unfaithful, then the magic bitter water will do something awful to her. But I wasn't sure just what. What does it mean to have your belly swell and your thigh rot? But then I saw the footnote in the NIV that said it meant this: "cause you to be barren and have a miscarrying womb."

So if the woman is guilty (had sex with someone besides her husband), then the bitter water will make her unable to have children in the future. And if she is pregnant at the time, it will abort the pregnancy.

And when he hath made her to drink the water, then it shall come to pass, that, if she be defiled, and have done trespass against her husband, that the water that causeth the curse shall enter into her, and become bitter, and her belly shall swell, and her thigh shall rot: and the woman shall be a curse among her people. And if the woman be not defiled, but be clean; then she shall be free, and shall conceive seed. This is the law of jealousies, when a wife goeth aside to another instead of her husband, and is defiled; Or when the spirit of jealousy cometh upon him, and he be jealous over his wife, and shall set the woman before the LORD, and the priest shall execute upon her all this law. Then shall the man be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity.5:27-31

It's all part of God's wondrous Law of Jealousies. God's magical abortion procedure. A priest, some bitter water, and a wife that you think might have been unfaithful. Priceless. So if God has his own abortion procedure, abortion can't be wrong, right?

05 October 2008

Hey Sarah: God hates winkers

Don't you just hate it when Sarah Palin winks? Me too.

And so does the God of the Bible.
(Every time Sarah Palin winks, God kills a kitten. -- Lola-Cola)

Here's what the Bible says about it:

A naughty person, a wicked man [or woman], walketh with a froward mouth. He winketh with his eyes ... he deviseth mischief continually; he soweth discord. Therefore shall his calamity come suddenly; suddenly shall he be broken without remedy. Proverbs 6:12-15

He [or she] that winketh with the eye causeth sorrow: but a prating fool shall fall. Proverbs 10:10

Is that a prophecy? You Betcha! Sarah Palin is a winking fool that causes sorrow and discord wherever she goes.

So hopefully, she and McCain will fall on November 4 -- in fulfillment of the Bible's prophecy.