What's The Matter With Kansas And Its Giant German Water Slide?

This horrifying piece of amusement park ingenuity is called the Verruckt, it's at a waterpark called Schlitterbahn and it's located just outside Kansas City. When it opens this summer, it will be world's tallest and fastest waterslide. Given the number of shit-filled shorts traveling down it each day, nastiest is probably within reach too.

First, let's address that name. Schlitterbahn is mini-waterpark chain that started in New Braunfels, Texas. Old Braunfels, or just Braunfels, is in Germany. So the first park was named Schlitterbahn, which means "slippery road" in the mother tongue. And so it's remained, probably because it's hilarious to hear Texans try to pronounce.

Anyway, back to the water slide, whose name is the German word for "insane." Its launch point sits atop a 17-story tower that requires visitors to climb 264 steps before sliding down. (Let's pause here for a moment and imagine this Royals fan making that trek. OK, back to Verruckt.) After mounting the stairs, riders will need to find three people to go down the slide with them. They'll climb into a four-person raft (three-person if belly shirt in the above link is involved) and fall toward earth at speeds exceeding 65 mph. After that first hill, it's right back up a second incline, this one five stories. Then it ends, as riders come to a stop in a fetid pool of accumulated feces and tears.

This ride is for "adrenaline junkies," Schlitterbahn's markering director says. The word "adrenaline" was superfluous. The only junkies jumping on this thing will be so hopped up on meth that they think they're invincible. GIve the rest of us old fashion, wooden roller coasters with seat belts, lap bars and a worst case scenario of a stranger's vomit flying into our mouths.

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