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The Hard Stuff: "I have to babysit my husband!"

Whenever there's an event going on in town, my husband tends to drink a lot, and I generally have to "babysit" and tell him when it's time to go home from these functions. I just wish that we could go out once in a while without his getting drunk! When I was growing up, my parents drank every weekend and would fight. This is the last thing I wanted! Any advice?
B.E., 38, Gresham, WI

The first question that comes to mind here is whether your husband has a genuine alcohol abuse problem. This is different from alcoholism, but if drinking causes trouble in your relationship, it's a problem. Treatment may be needed, and you (and your husband, if he's willing) might consider consulting a counselor or a therapist who has experience with this. But if he's just indulging his rowdy side ("This is my time off and I'm going to get good and drunk and enjoy it!"), there are steps you can take. Regarding your desire to no longer supervise your husband's social drinking, have you ever simply asked him to not get drunk, or said that you don't want to be the babysitter anymore? It sounds obvious, but I ask this because youre sending mixed signals: You say that you're tired of babysitting, yet you continue to babysit. Perhaps it's because you have something else invested in being the caretaker while your husband gets sauced. Maybe it's something your mother used to do for your father, or something you wish she did for your father. It might be worth investigating on your own with a therapist, if you feel so inclined. In any case, you're very clear about not wanting this, which is something you can address here and now. It's time to tell your husband that you're not going to be in charge of him and his social drinking anymore. Before you go to the next event, let him know kindly and firmly that when it's time to leave youre going to ask him once to head home with you and that if he chooses to ignore you or says he wants to stay longer, youre taking off and he can find his own way home when he's ready. There's no reason you have to ride herd on him; just let him call a taxi or get a lift home with someone else. I predict that standing your ground on this matter will make you feel less frustrated. Soon, it will become a habit; your husband will know that when you say it's time to go, you mean it. A side benefit to creating this "party rule" is that because you will no longer feel resentful, or like a nag, you'll be much more pleasant to be around, and your husband will probably choose to go home with you, rather than being the last guest to leave.


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