Tuesday, August 23, 2011

New Facebook Status updates, 08/23/11:

Facebook Status updates about Facebook:
____ If they would have had Facebook when I was in college, I would still be in college.
____ has learned one thing since joining Facebook: I'm not nearly as messed up as I thought I was.
Facebook Status update about MySpace:
____ still gets emails from MySpace. They remind me of desperate text messages from a drunk ex begging for another shot.
For the guys:
____ If your boss walks in while you're on Facebook at the urinal, act like you're taking pictures. No questions will be asked.
For the girls:
____ HIM: Why do you always talk about our stuff on Facebook? ME: I don't always talk about our stuff on Facebook. HIM: You're putting this on Facebook right now, aren't you?
Sunday morning status update:
____ had a lovely Sunday brunch with my friends. Delicious!*

*What really happened: Woke up on the driveway. Am hungover. Help?
Annoying people:
____ Has never seen ONE person look cool while waving at the camera in the background of a live news report.
____ Approximately 10 drinks ago I had a bunch of problems, but now I'm amazing and can sing really well!
____ is so drunk right now that I could enter a hospital and merely lick a patient's skin to kill the germs.
Things I hate:
____ 5 things I can't stand: 1) Racists. 2) Bad spellers 3) Math 4) Stoopid people

I write a new Facebook status update every day on my FACEBOOK FAN PAGE. These are the most recent:

____ “Just kidding!”- Most popular lie in the world.
____ Back in my day, we didn't have Facebook. If we wanted to stalk someone, we had to dress in black, drive to their house and gaze longingly into their bedroom window while perched in a tree. Man, that sucked.
____ Everyone who likes me is awesome and brilliant and everyone who doesn't is a selfish jerk. Weird.
____ accidentally arrived at work five minutes early today. See kids? Speeding CAN be dangerous.
____ The great thing about being a Leo is that astrology is a bunch of crap and totally meaningless.
____ Why do people at a busy bar never know what they want to drink when the bartender gets to them? I've known since yesterday.
____ Remember that time I got really wasted and made an idiot out of myself??? Ha ha haha, THAT WAS JUST NOW.
