The metaphor of the butterfly.

Today, during my yoga class, I noticed a butterfly flying inside the room. As I watched it tried to get out. First it fluttered against the glass beside the open door. Someone tried to help it out towards the door but it instead flew up to the ceiling. There it found another window, closed, that it fluttered agitatedly against. Eventually it settled and remained at rest sitting in the window.

The butterfly was a powerful metaphor. First it found itself in a difficult place and tried to find its way out. Well meaning people tried to direct it, but it was frightened by them and it moved in the direction it believed offered freedom. Sadly, that way just trapped it more. Desperately it flew against he window, willing it to open. But it never did. In time the butterfly accepted its fate and rested quietly on the window. Seeing the outside, but not being able to access it.

It reminded me of the times in our lives when we try to find our way out of trouble. We try to find the solution. But in the rush to find it we often go in the wrong direction. At some stage we panic and desperately fight to get out of the trouble we are in. Eventually we accept where we are and calm down. There are two choices at this stage. We can resign ourselves to our difficulties and remain, stuck. Or we can accept our present troubles and calm so that we can gain some perspective and seek a way out.

It is often at the panic stage that people seek counselling. In a session it is possible to discuss your difficulties and gain some perspective, allowing you to calm and gain clarity of vision. Then, with the support of your counsellor, you can work out how to get out.

Some people come to counselling because they are stuck and realise they need help. Others never seek that help.

In our journey through difficulties we often encounter well meaning people who try to show us the way out. They may or may not have the answers. But what they offer isn’t helpful. They also take away our power in the situation, which makes it less likely we will find a way out of the situation.

I wonder, if the woman had left the butterfly alone, if it would have found its way out the door on its own. As it was, it became trapped up near the ceiling, far away from an opening through which it could escape.

So the moral of the story?

If you see someone having a hard time, offer them a supportive ear to hear them. Do not try to solve their problem.

If you are having a hard time, counselling can help you to calm down and find a way out of your difficulty.

Quotes by Karl Jung – Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.

One of the biggest issues people who come to see me report is that of feeling unheard. As a society we are not very good at listening to other people. More people are formulating their response to the person they are with rather than listening to what is being said. In fact there is more talking with than listening to in conversations.

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn, way back when I was learning the skills of counselling, was to just listen to the other person. I found myself trying to answer everything the other person said, but that is not what communication is about. It is about one person telling another about something. Not everything that person says needs a response. If you listen to the other person there will come a point when they will pause, and you do not have to respond to everything that was said. You usually need to respond to what was said just before the pause. If you wait until the other person stops talking they will feel they have been allowed to say what they needed to say.

The next step in listening to another person is to respond in a way that tells the other person you have heard them. Perhaps you might acknowledge what they said. Do resist the temptation to then talk about your experience of this issue, or that of your great aunt, or cousin, or neighbour. This is about the other person, not you.

The next step is to resist the temptation to solve the other person’s problem. If you are concerned the other person may want help then ask them “Do you want help?”. Make sure you honour their answer. If they say no, then just acknowledge what they have gone through and commiserate with them. There is nothing worse than telling someone about something deeply distressing and having the other person immediately go into solution mode. It feels like you have not been heard, and that the other person does not believe you can deal with this problem on your own. Their response can feel patronising. The end result is you do not feel heard.

So the next time you have a conversation with someone, make sure you listen. No rehearsing your answer. No mind wandering. Just listen to what they are telling you. Acknowledge what they have said. Resist the temptation to problem solve for them. Do your bit to help other people feel heard and less lonely.

If you find yourself not being listened to by other people, try someone else and make a note to avoid those who don’t listen to you.

Flipping your Lid

What is flipping your lid? If you search for the ‘hand model of the brain’ by Dan Siegel on YouTube, you will find a video explaining how our brains react to stressful and triggering experiences. The video shows a hand held upright. The wrist represents the spinal cord. The Palm of the hand represents the lower part of the brain, known as the brain stem. This part is responsible for survival functioning of the body. It is where the impulses to regulate your heart rate and tell you to breathe come from. Now put your thumb across the palm of your hand. This is the limbic system. It is responsible for keeping us safe. It monitors our emotions and triggers our fight, flight or freeze response to frightening situations. If you then put your fingers over the top of your thumb and close them to make a fist, you have the thinking part of the brain, the Cortex. This is our conscious brain. It is where we think, reason and perceive the world around us. This part also regulates our lower parts and maintain a balance in our limbic system. But when danger is detected, this information goes first to the limbic system and this area reacts. If the situation becomes extreme enough, this area takes over and puts us into fight, flight or freeze mode. At this time our cortex is “offline”. Dan Siegel refers to it as flipping our lid. When that happens, our cortex can no longer regulate what is happening in the limbic system.

Some of the things the cortex can do are to regulate the part of our nervous system known as the autonomic nervous system. This is all the things in our bodies that we don’t consciously control. It involves the way our body responds to situations. For example, when your body detects danger your heart rate increases and your breathing becomes rapid and shallow. This is to prepare you to flee should you need to. If your cortex can no longer control that system then your body is out of control.

Another thing the cortex can do is to allow you to tune into someone else. By tuning in I mean being aware of the internal experience of another person. Being able to tune into another person allows you to have compassion and empathy for another person. If you lose the ability to tune into others then you lose compassion and empathy.

Your cortex also balances your body between the extremes of rigidity and chaos. If you ‘flip your lid’ you lose the balance and can become either too rigid or too chaotic.

Your cortex also allows you to be flexible in how you respond to things, to be able to calm yourself when afraid and to be able to have social relationships. All these things are affected by ‘flipping your lid’.

It is possible to learn to monitor your body to detect when your cortex is in danger of going off line and to learn strategies to remove yourself from the dangerous situation and calm things down. This is where counselling can be very helpful.

It is very helpful to learn to recognise when you are about to flip your lid. It is also helpful to understand that when you ‘flip your lid’ you lose control over what you are doing and saying. This is helpful for you to have self-compassion when you are back in control. By self-compassion I mean making allowances for the stressful situation you were in and how perfectly understandable your reaction was. We are often great at being compassionate to others but judging ourselves harshly. This is something we need to change.

I frequently work with people to help them to learn how to manage ‘flipping’ their ‘lid’. I also teach people how to develop self-compassion. These are important things to learn in order to manage the difficulties of life.

Controlling your emotions

I often talk about the need to learn to control your emotions. This is best described as responding rather than reacting.

There is a beautiful story that illustrates this:

A long time ago, when men lived by the sword, a wise man lived in a small community far away in the mountains. He lived simply and spent most of his time meditating. Occasionally people came to him for wise advice, which he was willing to give.

One day an arrogant young man came to see him. The man was a warrior and used his brute strength to get what he wanted in life. He came confidently into the place where the wise man sat and strode up to him. The warrior was used to getting what he wanted, when he wanted it. He strode towards the wise man and demanded he explain the idea of Heaven and Hell.

The wise man replied: “You are an ill-disciplined bully, why should I answer your question?”

The warrior was angered by this response and drew his sword and screamed to the wise man “I could kill you where you stand!”

The wise man replied, “That is Hell.”

The warrior was shocked by the wise man’s response. He found the wise man’s words calmed him and he put his sword back in its sheath. Then, humbled, he bowed and thanked the wise man for his answer.

The wise man replied, “And that is heaven.”

I love the way that story describes the difference between reacting and responding. We see the impetuous warrior initially react to the wise man. But wise man is calm and speaks without emotion. He responds with a carefully considered response which has the effect of calming the warrior. The contrast between the carefully considered response and the impetuous anger of the warrior is not lost on him. He feels foolish for overreacting and calms down. He then responds humbly. He has learned to respond to another instead of reacting.

The wise man equates hell as the difficult, conflict ridden, stressful life of those who react to situations.

In contrast, the wise man equates heaven as the smooth, peaceful life without conflict of those who choose to respond to situations.

Most of the time we can make a choice to stop and think, then respond. But we are not always capable of such responses. When situations in life trigger old memories, then we can find ourselves only able to react. It is helpful to seek counselling in order to change those triggers. I will explain more about that in the next blog.

This is an area of counselling I specialise in. Why not ring today to make an appointment to see me?

Eight questions to ask yourself before you make a decision.

Making decisions about your life direction are often difficult. There is rarely a clear cut yes or now answer to that. Additionally, deciding to do something will often lead to change, and change can be difficult. Below are eight questions you can ask yourself before you make a decision.

  1. Does this opportunity fit with my strengths?
    Is this something I will be able to do? It is important to bear in mind that you do not have to be competent using your strengths. Competence comes with use. It is enough to know you have the ability to work with this opportunity.
  2. Does this opportunity fit with my skills?
    Skills are different to strengths. Skills are where we have learned to complete a task. Strengths are more about what things we can do well. When taking an opportunity it is helpful to consider whether your skills will allow you to work with that opportunity.
  3. Have my life experiences prepared me for this opportunity?
    Everything you do or experience in life is useful for you in the future. There is always something to learn from life’s experiences and utilising that learning into new opportunities is important. Never underestimate the usefulness of your experiences.
  4. What do people I trust most say about it?
    When in doubt it can be helpful to ask someone you trust. Their answer can guide you, but should not be the sole reason you accept or reject an opportunity.
  5. If I say yes what will it mean saying no to?
    Saying yes to an opportunity means change. Change means there are things you will not be able to do any more. It is important to consider that and decide if you are willing to stop doing some things.
  6. If I say no what will it mean saying yes to?
    While deciding what you will have to stop if you say yes, it is important to also consider what you may be able to do if you say no. Sometimes, the deliberation process around whether to accept an opportunity can reveal areas of your current life that you can change instead. All these options are very useful.
  7. When I look back in 10 years, will this be the story I want to share?
    This one speaks for itself. Considering what your future attitude to this opportunity is can be helpful in deciding what to do. Think about it. If you say no, do you think you will regret that decision in 10 years?
  8. What does my gut instinct say?
    Ultimately, your decision is about what your gut instinct or your body tells you is right. Gut instinct can override the previous steps. It can be difficult in life to listen to your gut instinct. So often in childhood, children are taught to do what they are told and forced to override their inner voice telling them no. Many adults have learned to mistrust their gut instinct. Yet that instinct is your brain telling you things you may not consciously be aware of. Something about your opportunity may be telling your subconscious brain that the situation looks dangerous. Your body may be trying to tell you to say no to the opportunity. But your conscious mind may be telling you all the reasons why you should say yes and to override that reluctance to say yes.

Finally, there are no right or wrong answers in decision making. You may make a decision you believe is the right one and it doesn’t work out. But that is not necessarily a disaster. You have learned from the experience and you will have greater skills and experience to use when making the next decision. Never underestimate the learning power of decisions that didn’t work out well.