An Open Letter To Those White Kids Panhandling On The Side Of The Road

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Dear White Kids Panhandling On The Side Of The Road,

If you're willing to go on the side of the road and put your hand out for money - you might need it - and I'm not going to judge what got you there because at the end of the day sometimes life just gives you what it gives you.

Sometimes you just have to do what you need to do to get by.

But when you're holding a sign that says "Veteran" and you you're not even old enough to have the honor of cupping my balls - and just for the record, there's some good shit down there and everyone should have that honor at least twice in their life - it just begs the question of what the fuck you're doing there in the first place looking like you just stepped out of The Gap all fresh and clean.

I mean did the drive-by in your mom's minivan on the way to Whole Foods not work out like you expected? Did the American Apparel Crew clash with what you were wearing and you decided it just wasn't worth getting gansta on their asses after all?

See - I guess I'm just thinking to myself that when I see two dumbass White Kids on the side of the road - who I understand might not know any better - in a way mocking people who actually need to do that unlike you and your friend with his shit eating grin who probably live in a place called The Suburbs - that I can't help but actually feel sorry for you - because you don't know any better.

And I'm kind of hoping you get it together before someone lets you have sex with them because at least from what I saw of you today I don't think you'd know how to actually put on a condom, and then you'd either be having a little Mini Gap running around (which wouldn't be good for anyone) or you'd be giving someone an infection because you probably don't know how to clean your dick.

But then again - maybe I'm wrong though.

Maybe you really do know how to use a bar of soap.


I'll see you at The Gap when I'm hitting on your mom (because I'm sure she's a freak).