Monday, July 10, 2017

The Abduction Conference

Even though Howard Desseray listened diligently for the Lord or Someone Else to call him to a more honorable vocation, he accepted his current job as an abductor as "being what it was" and thus he felt the need to raise his skill level (and pay grade) to Highly Effective.

How best to do that? Off to an abduction conference! 

This was Howard's first trip to the yearly event, but according to his abducting friend Chip Lo, there was sooo much to look forward to:

Check-ins in which Howard could stand in line with other abductors having last names beginning with the letters D through G; name tags (HELLO My Name Is Howard Desseray Medford); meet'n'greets featuring melon bites, carrot sticks, cauliflower florets, hardened seed-covered tasteless high-fiber crackers, toothpick-speared cheese cubes with subtle undertones of sour laundry; an all-you-can-dip bowl of ranch dressing; and Carlo Rossi Vin Rose in plastic cups. 
Abducted or kidnapped?
Also: a semi-formal opening convocation in Townsville's convention center (a remodeled Air Force hangar with all new plastic chairs equipped with armrests and cup holders) featuring Howard's idol, the renowned abduction master Jedidiah Einsatzgruppe; plenary sessions; break-out sessions; hands-on workshops; role playing led by Townsville Community College's Theatre 100 class (Introduction to Improv for Non-Theatre Majors); simulations with Rogerian "I" statements; and an optional seminar on "Abduction and the Internet: How to Make Craig's List Work for You." 
Tally's version of Jedidiah

Also: very bad coffee breaks with petit fours and fives; group work; prison-prep confabs; circle jerks (i.e., round-table Jamaican snack buffets); an after-lunch Mind and Body Awareness Assembly, featuring yoga, stretching, koans, haiku, and two duct-tape related activities: Binding Presence (akedah, about which more later)* and a playfully competitive duct-tape tug of war.

Each morning would begin with "Wake-Up-and-Abduct" sessions in which participants listened to guest speakers, watched PowerPoints and abduction-themed TED talks, and munched on cold Lender's bagels and instant oatmeal.

Howard's anticipation and anxiety had him tossing and turning the night before, sending Tally, a welder, art student, former abductee and now his current life partner, off to the den where she fell asleep while watching the Blu-Ray version of Ted 2.

He was certain he would return to Medford an abductor who could walk the streets and the yard with his head held high, a man whose fame would survive the flux and flotsam of life, whose stories would be told around campfires, bridge circles, bar stools and . . . 

* Or "which there will be more about later." 


  1. Oh, dear Roy, you never cease to amaze and amuse me! Love this.

  2. Thanks much. You're in such a tiny, tiny minority, but I agree w/ your assessment. Howard doesn't amaze me, but he amuses me.