display | more...

Newspaper Salesperson: For some odd reason, I get calls from the newspapers every month.

"Hi! We've been leaving a paper on your doorstep every morning this week..."

Old response: (click)

New response: "That was you?? I'm blind! I've tripped over that paper four times and broken my leg once!" (Then threaten to sue.) (If they're still on the line ask them what they think a blind person would do with a newspaper. I've actually had one lady take a good 5 minutes before she realized that blind people cannot read print.)

Neilson Corp.: I'm not sure why I was called by these people, but I simply said that I did not own a TV. This caused a great deal of confusion as the woman did not believe that there was a household in the US that didn't have a TV.

Religious Recruiter: Something that someone was doing must have worked because I haven't seen any religious zealots going door-to-door in years. However, an old college buddy came up with the idea of answering the door (in the afternoon) in an open bathrobe (nothing on underneath), looking as if he'd just woken up, with black stuff smeared under his eyes. He'd say "Sorry it took me so long to answer the door but the devil's mass last night went on forever!"

I was a telemarketer one summer as a ridiculous part-time job between school semesters and it totally sucked. However, fun with telemarketing calls can also be had by the caller, not just the callee.

Since the establishment I worked for did not pay us on commission, I had no real incentive or desire to make sure I actually completed sales. My bosses kept track of how many calls we made but rarely overheard our actual conversations. They were too busy trying to monitor the activities of their AA employees, a faction that constituted 90% of the work force there. The rest of us 10%ers were college students home for the summer who didn't give a shit about selling magazine subscriptions and instead made the work day liveable by smoking alot of bud and fucking with the business owners we contacted.

We amused each other by pretending to sell drugs or orphans, or using the well-known voices of various celebrities. If the company owner had us on speaker-phone we would punish their arrogance by taking on the persona of a mistress breaking plans to meet them that afternoon or angry about their lack of performance the night before. You'd be surprised how long some of these people remain on the phone to deal with such calls.
I normally deal with the door to door religious types by slamming the door on them. However, I had a room mate some time ago who simply loved talking with these people. He was a Political Science major and very well read on various religions. As soon as he found out one of the evangelists was a the door he would rush over and invite them in. He always started out very polite, sitting them in the living room and offering refreshments while saying polite things and admitting his sins. Gradually over the course of ten or fifteen minutes he would shift the course of the conversation to cover inadequacies of the relevant scripture and the contradictions of the evangelists explanations. After about twenty minutes he was in complete control of the conversation and would often end by denouncing the faith and yelling at the poor sods till they ran out the door in tears. It always made me feel a little guilty that I laughed so much.
My favourite is something I think I saw on TV and have found to be most amusing. The idea is to see how many times you can say the word "yes" before they hang up.
You: Yes?
Them: Hello, I'm not selling anything, it's a survey. Do you have a couple of moments?
You: Yes.
Them: Ok, If you were going to have new double glazing fitted in the next six months, how many windows would you have done, a) 2, b) more than 2, c) more than 10?
You: Yes.
Them: Sorry, was that a), b) or c)?
You: Yes.
Them: (assuming you must be hard of hearing) Hello? Would you like any DOUBLE GLAZING?
You: (calmly) Yes.
Them: (seizing the chance) Well, can I send around one of our representatives?
You: (Trying not to panic. This might all backfire) Yes.
Them: Well, which date is best for you?
You: Yes.
And so on...

Great fun. A good number of 'yes'es before they hang up is about 10. More than that and you are dealing with a very patient salesperson
