Sunday, July 7, 2019

1st 5 Pages July Workshop - Sova

Name: Jericho Sova
Genre: Young Adult Paranormal Thriller
Title: The Lates Society

The tiny town of Autumn was known for three things. A small university, a mountainous landscape, and a serial killer who had a fairly productive spree some twenty-five years ago. Percival was only interested in the university. Sure, he enjoyed the landscape, and had a vague knowledge of the killer, but they were nothing more than distractions in his pursuit of higher education. He wanted facts, not wild speculation.

That’s why, when Benjamin mentioned that the killer had returned, Percival didn’t bat an eye. He just shrugged and said, “that sucks.”

“That sucks,” screamed Benjamin. “This is the biggest news to come out of Autumn in years, and your response is ‘that sucks.’ What is wrong with you?”

“I’ve got other things on my mind,” said Percival. In fact, he had several things on his mind. The first was that he had chosen the wrong day to come back to school. The second was the math problem in his notebook that he was nowhere near solving. And the third was why he had gotten the salad for dinner when the soy burger looked so appealing. The Autumn University cafeteria didn’t have many options for vegans, but the soy burgers were top notch.

Benjamin had opted for the pizza, which was a bold choice. Eating one, with or without cheese, was like playing Russian roulette with your stomach.

“It’s bigger than big,” said Benjamin, and he swallowed another bite of his food. “Twenty-five years is a long time to go between murders. And to come back without missing a step is almost impossible. Maybe even supernatural.”

Percival rolled his eyes. “Twenty-five years is not that long. If the killer started when they were twenty, they'd only be forty-five now. Or maybe it's a copycat.”

"I doubt it's a copycat. The murders have their following, but they're not as well-known as some of the bigger cases. Holmes or the Zodiac Killer for instance. And I know someone close to the case that says the murder last night was exactly like the ones from before.”

Percival racked his brain, trying to come up with everything that entailed. He hadn’t researched the murders, but the killer was the basis for every campus ghost story he had heard over intro week. If he remembered correctly, there were seven original victims. Each one had their hands chopped off and their bodies carved up in some kind of ritualistic manner. Signs and symbols were cut into the flesh, and the victim's blood was used to write cryptic messages. No one ever figured out what the messages meant, and the killings stopped after a few weeks.

“So, what does that mean,” he said. “The killer’s back.”

“Don’t you mean back from the dead,” said Benjamin. “There is no way you’re going to convince me this isn’t supernatural.”
“Nothing is ever supernatural. There’s just things we know, and things we haven’t figured out yet.”

Benjamin raised one eyebrow in mock suspicion. “Hmmm. That sounds like something a supernatural killer would say. And now that I’m thinking about it, didn’t you just get back to Autumn U?”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing. It’s just a bit odd that as soon as you come back the Triangle Killer returns. Is that coincidence? Or is it something more… sinister."

Percival sighed. "You got me. I’m the reincarnated spawn of Satan, or whatever, and I started killing when I was negative seven."
Benjamin’s eyes lit up. “I knew it. Never trust a guy whose last name is Wolfsbane.”

“And never listen to one whose last name is Montigrass. You’re insane, you know that?”
Benjamin smiled a broad, toothy grin. "This is Autumn. Madness is part of the curriculum.”

“Maybe in the English department. But in the science building we take our rationalization seriously.” Percival stood and patted the notebook in his pocket. “Anyway, I’ve got to go. An equation’s calling me.”

“You going to text me later?”

“I don’t even have a phone right now. Mine was under my brother’s name.”

Benjamin’s smile faded. “I’m sorry. I wish I could have done something.”

“It’s fine. But, as your favorite author once said, ‘so it goes.’” 

“Too true. Now get out of here before it gets dark. And don’t let the Triangle Killer get you.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Percival waved the comment off, dumped his tray in the nearby trashcan, and strode out of the cafeteria. As he stepped out into the fresh mountain air, a leaf drifted down from above and landed in his untamed black hair. He shook the leaf out and made his way towards Lates Hall while the sun set over the ridge. 


  1. Thank you, Jericho, for the opportunity to read these pages! I hope that my feedback is useful to you.

    There's lots here I liked! The setting of a small town is pretty much my number one "book catnip". Besides, having your protagonist attend university (rather than school) is great, as personally I'd love to see more YA set on college campuses. And last thing - the theme of ritualistic murders and the serial killer (maybe) returning after many years of absence is a GREAT one that I personally like.

    Now for some feedback!

    The third person narration here works for me overall, but I'd love to get deeper into Percival's head, right from the start.

    In parts, narration is a bit dry - or is it on purpose (because Percival is science-minded and likes facts and rationalization, etc.?) Still, I need to know more about him from the start to be more invested in this story.

    Some questions I've had as I was reading: so Percival is originally from Autumn but was away for a while and now is back - ? Can you drop some hints as to what's his story exactly and why he's back to his hometown now? If he's originally from Autumn, why is he so dismissive of the town's history involving the serial killer? I'd think if someone grew up in a place that experienced that (even if it was a while ago), he'd be a bit more invested in its history? This brings me to the question of what actually happened, as in, the present? Percival's friend is referring to a new murder taking place recently and Percival immediately dismisses it. But even if he's skeptical about the olden days serial killer returning, why is he so blasé about someone getting murdered in his hometown? I'd be super freaked out if someone got murdered in my hometown! I think, a bit more of strategically placed inner monologue on Percival's part would help reader understand him better and understand why he's reacting the way he is.

    When Benjamin suggests "Maybe even supernatural" in regards to the latest murder, it comes off as a huge leap in logic. Why would he propose anything supernatural is occurring at all? Can you add some details here, to explain why Benjamin thinks that? Same goes for his dismissal of the copycat killer. Can you say more as to how this new murder case is exactly like those before - maybe mention how there was something that was never made public as it was considered too disturbing, etc.

    Again, Benjamin's insistence on the "supernatural" cause is not clear to me as I don't see how anything said so far would point toward the supernatural aspect. Maybe mention Benjamin's intuition or him feeling weird and uncomfortable about it all, so it's more of a personal, emotional perception of things rather than something based on facts?

    Benjamin's proposal that Percival might be the killer would need to come off even more as a joke/teasing. Otherwise, it reads a bit odd.

    When the serial killer is referred to as "Triangle Killer" it catches me off guard and leaves me confused. To rectify this, how about moving this first mention of the killer's nick name up to where Percival recalls what he knows about the murders and adding a brief explanation as to why the killer was given that name.

    The bit about Percival not having his own phone, followed by the mention of his brother either needs to be clarified (perhaps in Percival's inner monologue) or deleted as at the moment it doesn't really add more to the story other than confusion.

    Overall, there's a LOT to love here, but I also want MORE - both in the way of dropping more hints as to the mystery slowly unfolding and to our protagonist's place in it all. I hope that my comments are helpful to your revision!

  2. Hi, Jericho. Thanks for sharing!

    This is an intriguing concept, and--to echo Katya--there's plenty to like here. The university setting does open up possibilities, and the fact that a returned serial killer (with or w/o a supernatural twist) is potentially stalking this college town should definitely ratchet up tension.

    For me, that's mainly what's missing. While I like the playful back and forth between Percival and Benjamin, it really undercuts the potential conflict and unease you could capitalize on with a murderer in their midst.

    I, too, wonder about the backstory here. I'm not suggesting you go full-on exposition dump, but it would be good to weave in some small hints as to why/when Percival left Autumn, and what brings him back to school here. I also found it curious that his brother is mentioned--there is clearly something important there: an untimely death?--but not enough of a hint as to what it is.

    It's a little odd that Percival's phone would have been "under his brother's name" - and the fact that Benjamin wishes he could've done something, again points to something tragic. And Percival seems too dismissive of it.

    Maybe a key lies in Percival's family story. I'd suggest providing a bit of detail about his family. Is it just him now, or are parents involved? You can drop hints to this stuff without loading the first few pages with backstory.

    As for the supernatural element, I think that could be a really cool twist--an is it or isn't it?--but it would be great if Benjamin had some specific reasons to offer it as a suggestion. Maybe the original murders (clearly ritualistic) included some sort of supernatural element? If the original murderer had been caught, a promise to return? A cyclical element, like an every-25-years thing? Some "rationale" for the desecration of bodies that pointed to a supernatural element?

    While I agree third person works well at points, I have a radical suggestion: What if you shifted your P-O-V to first-person, present tense? Using Percival as narrator could open the door to reliable/unreliable narrator/protagonist. This could be a great element for a paranormal thriller: not knowing whether we can trust your main character.

    For example, look at your first couple paragraphs in 1st person/present:

    The tiny town of Autumn's known for three things: a small university, a mountainous landscape, and a serial killer who had a fairly productive spree some twenty-five years ago.

    Personally, I'm only interested in the university. Sure, I enjoy the landscape, and I've got a vague knowledge of the killer, but they're nothing more than distractions. I like facts, not wild speculation.

    That’s why, when my friend Benjamin mentions the killer has returned, I don’t bat an eye, just shrug and say, “That sucks.”

    Admittedly, shifting P-O-V is no small undertaking (and 1st-person can present challenges: limited scope, tendency to start a lot of sentences with I), but I like how it freshens/loosens up your prose. Maybe give it a try with your 1st 5 pages. You can always ditch it if it doesn't seem to work.

    I'm not sure how much you put into things like character bios, but it could be good to figure out for yourself (though most details likely won't end up on the page) layered character traits. For instance, does Benjamin have a fascination for the supernatural? Does he see deeper meaning in everything? Or was he obsessed with the Triangle Killer? Could be interesting if he's an amateur paranormal detective, and that's why Percival is so dismissive of the supernatural, like "Not THIS again!"

    Obviously, that may not all be clear in the first 5 pages, but it's something to consider (maybe something you already have considered), and perhaps hint at the start.

    I look forward to seeing what you do in revision, and hope some of my comments are useful in the next stage.

    All best,


    1. Everyone loves a good murder mystery, especially one that includes a long gone killer returned.

      I didn’t know there had been a murder last night until well into the story. That should be brought up right away. I don’t think anyone would shrug off a murder that happen the night before so close by. What Percival would/could shrug off would be the idea that the murder was done by the killer of old.

      You might want Benjamin to use the name Triangle Killer when he’s trying to convince Percival that it was the old killer returned to do more dirty work. I think the rest of the story would fall in line just fine if you open with last night’s murder then move to the boys debating the possibility of a killer returned from the dead, a simply older killer returning, or a copycat killer.

  3. Hi Jericho!

    These are some intriguing pages. You have a gripping concept and some punchy and entertaining dialogue. I also found your first line quite humorous. Below are the comments I have.

    1) I found the word screamed to describe how Benjamin spoke a bit jarring. Maybe instead Benjamin could tug on his hair, and this could be a place for you to drop in a bit of a description of what Benjamin looks like.

    2) I think Benjamin could elaborate a bit on what makes this murder like the ones before. He could just raise his eyebrows and say something like "weird markings on the body" or something like that. I also think a question I would have expected to come up is, who is the victim? Is it just that the identity isn't released yet, because I'd definitely be wondering if it was a fellow student at the university, especially if I was Benjamin.

    3) Right now the characters are reading a bit more like caricatures to me than real people. Benjamin seems to epitomize the zany friend and Percival just doesn't care at all. I want to know more of Percival's thoughts than the ones about the soy burger. Is he annoyed with his friend? Is there a deeper reason he just doesn't care and maybe it has to do with his brother? I did think the first person suggestion was an interesting one that might let you play around more with his thoughts. I also agree with Katya's point that if Benjamin is joking about his friend being the killer it has to be even more of a joke, and if it's not a joke then maybe the tension can be ramped up.

    I'm really interested in this story! I hope my comments are helpful.

  4. Hi Jericho! Enjoying reading your pages and story so far :) I really enjoyed the opening line as it made me want to read what the three things about Autumn are (cool name for a town btw). And I like how Percival seems like an odd character, not interested in things that would usually interest people (the killer). Here are my comments:

    1) How old are they meant to be? You talk about university, then school, then university again. And then I was confused when they were having dinner, as I thought they were at school having lunch in the cafeteria. I think perhaps make it clearer if they are at school or uni and what ages they are meant to be a bit sooner, so we aren't confused. I note the comment about being negative seven, so are they meant to be 18? Again this could be school or uni so worth clarifying. On top of that, would it be classified as YA if they are at uni? Or adult?

    2) I questioned why Benjamin thinks something supernatural happened? Nothing about the details of the murder sound supernatural, so it seems weird he jumps to that conclusion. Unless he is trying to say the killer came back from the dead, but in that case you might need to spell that out.

    3) Are they both vegan? I didn't get why Benjamin couldn't eat cheese and pizza. And why it would make his stomach feel bad if he was vegan? or is it lactose intolerance?

    4) I like the tidbit about the brother. I don't think we need to know right now what happened, or why his brother is mentioned, but if it is important, I think Percival needs some sort of reaction when he is brought up. Like clench his fist or something to show there is something going on there.

    5) a few word choices stuck out to me and threw me out of the story. Like 'had a vague knowledge of the killer' implies Percival knows the killer, in which case he should report the killer, haha! I think it should be 'of the murders'. Where you say 'everything that entailed' doesn't quite seem to fit. He'd be more likely to say 'trying to remember what had happened the last time'. And then where you say the 'murders have their following', I think you mean the killer has a following. And Percival says 'I've got other things on my mind', then repeats he has several things on his mind. If he actually said 'I've got another thing on my mind', and then thought that in fact, he has several things on his mind, this would work.

    One other thing was I noticed a few missing questions marks. So, what does that mean? The killer's back? and - Don't you mean back from the dead?

    Other small things I noticed - 'He wanted facts, not wild speculation' doesn't seem to fit with the sentences before. Suggest deleting. When mentioning three things about the town, mountainous landscape doesn't really sound like a 'thing', so wondering if it could be 'a bunch of mountains' so it something a bit more tangible and object-like. And when he threw his tray in the bin - did he throw the entire tray in? Seemed like a waste.

    Hope that all makes sense and can't wait to see your revision!

  5. Hi! Sorry I'm late on commenting. This story is definitely right up my alley! I like the idea of using a quirky voice, etc. but it doesn't quite work in this style for me. I think most of the issues I had would be fixed with a deeper POV. It's tough to do that and I get that you probably are doing what you are doing on purpose, BUT that said I know it really helped me when I started out to delve in with first person. Hear me out -- I'm not suggesting you change the whole book (unless you find you want to), but take the first page as an exercise and write in first person to really get into your character's head. Then see what you find, go back and use that info to rewrite the opening in third person close. Because beyond all else about your story, as a reader, I want to know who the MC is and know enough about him to follow him and care what happens. I know you don't want to info dump at the opening, but you do need to drip as much info in as necessary to ground the reader, pique our interest in him, and create just enough questions in our minds to tantalize us to keep going. Easy, right? LOL You are clearly talented and have a good story to tell, so take your time with it and draw us in with important details. Don't forget to show us the world through his eyes as well. I loved the bit about the soy burger for example.
    Hope that wasn't confusing and helps! Can't wait to see what you do!!