Steven gallery This is a transcribed copy of "Serious Steven". Feel free to edit or add to this page, as long as the information comes directly from the episode.
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Speaker Dialogue
[Open Int. Beach City Funland]
(Steven is waking in a daze, a ringing in his ear and looking really worried. The siren of an alarm is heard, as he looks around and sees Beach City Funland in ruins, with giant teacups scattered across the park, and several people including Amethyst and Pearl seem to be hurt. Only Garnet appears unharmed, standing up and looking in Steven's direction.)
[Time Skip - 2 weeks after the incident]
(The Crystal Gems are warping through a warp stream.)
Garnet Pay attention Steven, this is going to be your first serious mission. You need to be ready.
Steven *is warping upside-down excitedly* Yes! I’m ready, I’m so ready!
Pearl Steven, come on, you’re gonna make yourself sick. *turns Steven upright, gets hit in the eye by Steven’s ukulele and scoffs* Why did you bring that?
Steven I don’t know! I was excited, and i-it’s mine, and I like it! (The ukulele starts floating away upwards and Steven swims after it.) Huh?
Pearl Steven get back here! You could get seriously-
[Trans. Int. Gem Battlefield]
(The Gems warp safely onto a Warp Pad in the middle of a field of giant strawberries.)
Pearl ...hurt!
(Steven warps several feet into the air and several yards away from the Warp Pad, and falls into the strawberry field, groaning in pain.)
Pearl Steven! Are you...??
Steven *gets up* I-I’m fine! I’m good. I’m just gooey. (Steven finds himself covered in strawberry juice and licks his arm. He then sees a swarm of butterflies surrounding him, and they cling onto his face and arms.) Aah! They’re in my eyes! *runs around while frantically yelling and trips over*
Garnet *swats the butterflies away from Steven* They’re just butterflies, Steven.
Steven *gets up and laughs sheepishly* Well, they looked a lot bigger when they were on my eyeballs.
Amethyst *laughs* Steven, you’re a riot!
Pearl *to Garnet* I’m suddenly having second thoughts about bringing Steven on this mission...
Garnet *puts her palm on Pearl's shoulder* Shh. Just look at him. (Steven strikes a determined pose.) Now let’s go recover the gemstone.
(The Crystal Gems begin walking through the strawberry field, littered with swords stuck in the ground.)
Pearl *looking around* Unbelievable, this was once a Gem battlefield, now it's wild strawberries as far as the eye can see! *twirls in joy* Oh, that’s what I love about the Earth! Maybe this will be a light mission after all. (Garnet comes to a halt and Pearl bumps into her.) Oomph.
(The Crystal Gems find themselves standing in front of an upside-down pyramid temple.)
Garnet Maybe not.
(Garnet summons a small pyramid piece and slots it into the Pyramid Temple. The door magically disappears, revealing a path into the temple.
Steven Woooaahhhh!
(The Crystal Gems enters the temple.)
Steven Woooaahhhh!!!
[Trans. Pyramid Temple-Outer Chamber]
Steven *yelling* Steven’s the best! (An echo of "Steven's the best!" returns.) Why thank you, temple!
Amethyst You’re a doof.
(Steven looks around and sees a small pyramid levitating on a pedestal.)
Steven Hey, what’s this thing? *examines the pedestal* It’s like a cool floaty triangle thing.
Pearl Whatever it is... (Amethyst yawns) probably shouldn’t touch it.
(Steven touches the small pyramid and it tips over. The Temple begins to shake and rumble. The Gems quickly rush to Steven.)
Pearl Steven! What have we told you about touching magical things?
Steven Definitely... always... never do it!
(The Crystal Gems begin to float off the ground, as they are seemingly sucked into a hole in the ceiling.)
[Trans. Int. Pyramid Temple-Inner Chamber]
(The Crystal Gems fall through a corridor and onto the other side. The Gems land gracefully on the ground, except Steven, who lands flat on his stomach. The hole is then sealed up and torches begin to light up all around them, revealing several doorways.)
Amethyst Looks like we’re gonna have to split up.
Pearl Right! *holds Steven close to her* Steven and I will stay right here where it seems to be safe, while you guys go and solve the mystery of this place.
Steven Wait, I want to help solve the mystery!
Amethyst Yeah, c'mon Steven, let’s solve the mystery. *lifts Steven over her head*
Steven Yeah, mystery solvers!
Pearl *snatches Steven away* No, no no-no-no. You two are a disaster waiting to happen.
Garnet Steven goes with me.
Steven Really? Awesome!
Garnet But remember, this is a serious mission.
Steven *still being held by Pearl* Understood. Serious Steven!... Pearl, can you put me down?
Pearl Wha-? Oh, yes, of course. *sets Steven down*
Steven I need to be standing or else it doesn’t work. Serious Steven!... Activate! *starts treading off with Garnet*
Pearl But this could be the teacups all over again.
Steven *blushes* Hey, I’ve put that behind me! *walks through a doorway and starts singing* Oooh, we’re on a magic treasure hunt, for some magic treasure junk! Something, something, magic something! (Steven and Garnet enter an open room and a door closes behind them.) Huh?
(A door on the other side of the room glows, and random tiles on the floor begins to light up all around the room.)
Garnet We need to stay on the glowing panels.
Steven Right! Serious Steven!... Go! *hops across the panels and reaches the other side* Oh yeah!
(Steven dances in joy, when the temple suddenly rumbles, causing Steven to trip and fall onto a non-glowing panel. The glowing panels all turn red and the room begin to shake, as the floor collapses into a pit of open flames. The panel under Steven collapses too, and he clings onto the edge of an intact panel.)
Garnet Steven!
(Steven begins to lose his grip and falls towards the fire pit. Garnet hops across the intact panels, catches Steven in time and plants her feet into another intact panel, holding Steven upside-down by his leg.)
Steven *laughs* Woo-hoo! That was- *quickly changes tone* -uhh, seriously dangerous, thank you Garnet. *his hair catches on fire*
(Steven and Garnet walk into another chamber while Steven pats away the fire on his hair. The door closes behind them again, startling Steven, and the chamber starts to rumble.)
Garnet We can take a break if you’re not feeling well, Steven.
Steven Huh? Oh, no. I’m okay! Let's keep going! *flexes*
Garnet Alright, but be careful, you might trigger a trap with that gun-show.
Steven Right, I’ll put these babies away, and use my minds. *starts inspecting the wall* Maybe there’s a clue hidden in these ancient drawings. It looks like, there’s lots of triangles hidden somewhere in this room.
(Steven feels around the wall and accidentally pushes a section of the wall inwards. Spikes then appear from the ceiling.*
Garnet Run!
(Several ceiling spikes begin crushing upon Steven and Garnet. Steven barely misses the trap, ripping his shirt and the strip of his ukulele. Garnet steps in, summon her gauntlets and use them to stop the spikes.)
Steven Ah, my ukulele! *picks it and start tuning it*
Garnet Steven! *still holding up the spikes* Now is probably not the best time for that.
Steven Oh, u-uhh, r-right! *rushes to the other side of the chamber*
Garnet *somersaults towards Steven, escaping the trap* Now that was a pretty close one.
Steven *laughs nervously* Yeah. (The door of the chamber opens up and Garnet walks in. Steven follows suit.) That was a pretty... close... one.
(Garnet and Steven enter into another chamber, this time, full of swinging blades, spikes, falling lava and open flames. The door closes behind them, and Steven becomes visibly nauseated and frightened.)
Garnet Get ready, Steven. This is gonna be intense.
[Flashback-2 weeks earlier]
(The Crystal Gems are preparing to ride The Teacups ride in Beach City Funland, operated by Mr. Smiley.)
Garnet *calmly* Get ready Steven. This is gonna be intense.
Steven I’m ready!
(Mr. Smiley starts up the ride, with Pearl and Amethyst, sleeping, in one cup, and Garnet and Steven in the other cup.)
Pearl *holding a teapot* I misunderstood the point of this ride.
Garnet This is fun, Steven.
Steven *nauseated* I think... I need to get off this ride now! *jumps off the ride*
Garnet Steven, no!
(Steven falls onto Mr. Smiley, breaking the lever to the ride. The ride starts to spin out of control and flings all of the cups off the ride, causing mass destruction. Mr. Smiley then grabs Steven off the ground by his shirt.)
Mr. Smiley *laughs nervously* Steven! You are banned from all the rides! Forever!
[Time Skip — Present day]
(Garnet is carrying Steven, slowly waking up. She sets Steven down on the ground, revealing they are now at the other side of the chamber.)
Steven Whoa. We made it?
Garnet I carried you while you took a nap. *walks off into the doorway*
Steven N-Nap?! *runs after Garnet*
(Garnet and Steven steps into a large chamber. They look up and sees the sealed hole where they previously fell in from.)
Garnet We’re back where we started.
Steven Whaaaat?!
Pearl *rushes in* Garnet, there you are! The doors and rooms here make no sense, they all bring you here!
Amethyst *runs out of a doorway, groaningin agony* Get me out of here! *runs into another doorway*
Pearl There are sixteen doors, and we entered from the northeast and went through three consecutive rooms in a straight line... (Amethyst returns with a bear trap on her head. She pulls it off and runs back to the same doorway.) ...But arrived back here out the southern-most door, which could only mean... W-Well, I don’t know what it means! I- (Amethyst slides in from a different doorway, frozen in a block of ice.) This is a DEATH TRAP!! *summons her spear and tries to break Amethyst out of the ice*
Steven Wha... What do we do?!
Garnet We go back in. Again, and again, and again, and again.
Steven *starts panicking* I can’t!
Pearl *concerned* Steven.
Garnet It’s okay.
Steven No, no it’s not! You were all right about me. I wanted to do this so bad, but now I feel like I’m gonna throw up. This is JUST LIKE THE TEACUPS!!
Pearl Oh Steven, I-I didn’t really mean that.
Steven WAIT!! Ah! Wait you guys, what if this is just like the teacups? That’s why we’re getting so lost. That’s why I’m feeling so sick. All the rooms are spinning us around so we end up here!
(Garnet walks towards the center of the room and starts pounding it with her gauntlets. The floor breaks and the Crystal Gems fall into a hidden lower room filled with spinning upside-down pyramids, orbiting around a central floating obelisk embedded with a gemstone.)
Steven Whoa!
Pearl This is unbelievable! *projects a hologram of the room mechanism* This Gem-powered mechanism! It's manipulating the rooms above. Every room we entered spun us until we came back to the central chamber! It’s just like the teacups ride at Funland!
Garnet Steven already figured that out!
Pearl *embarrassed* Oh... *hides her hologram away*
Steven *notices the gemstone in the obelisk and gasps* Garnet, I need to get off the ride now.
Garnet *nods and picks Steven up* Serious Steven! Go!
(Garnet hurls Steven towards the obelisk and he clings onto it Steven starts tuging at the gemstone in the obelisk, causing it to glow and eject itself. The upside-down pyramids stop spinning and begin to glow, being absorbed back into the gemstone. The Pyramid Temple start glowing too and explodes, creating a massive crater and rubble all around. The Gems emerge one by one from the strawberry bushes.)
[Trans. Gem Battlefield]
Pearl Steven? Steven?! Where is he?
Amethyst Ahh, he’s over here.
Steven *still holding the gemstone, covered in strawberry juice again* The Gem...!
Pearl *bubbles the gemstone* Ah, I’d say you handled that adventure very well.
Amethyst Yeah, nice job, “Serious Steven”.
Garnet I prefer regular, Steven. *hands Steven his ukulele*
Steven Hey, my ukulele! *tunes his ukulele and starts to sing* Oh... That's the end of another day. It was mighty serious, I'd have to say. The Crystal Gems looked really cool when they made the temple exploo- (Butterflies suddenly swarm all over his face again.) -ooo-aaahhh! They’re in my eyes again! *drops his ukulele and runs around frantically*
(The star iris zooms in on Steven's ukulele on the ground, ending the episode.)

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