Kidspot Parenting

My friend favours one of her kids and it's heartbreaking to watch

Shona Hendley |

Many parents quietly admit to favouring one child over another... but what about when they make it so obvious everyone around them is uncomfortable?

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At first, I thought it was a one off.

I mean every parent does it at some point, on those days when one child is in a ‘mood’ or did something earlier that has left you riled up, while the other is the symbol of perfection and your attention, kindness and smiles find themselves directed toward one more than the other (the well behaved one).

Usually though, it doesn’t become a pattern. But unfortunately, what I witnessed that day, was a pattern, in fact it was what I would discover was the norm. It happened over and over and over again.

To put it bluntly, I have an acquaintance who clearly favours one of her children, far more than the other and it is heartbreaking to watch.


Image: iStock

The woman clearly favoured her daughter. Image: iStock 

"I thought she was a person I would get along with"

*Jane is a friend of a friend. And when you’re a mother, often catch ups and playdates become the meeting of other parents from far and wide, a golden opportunity where some adult company is on offer and coffee too. This is how we were first introduced over a year ago. It was a play date at a local park and one of those perfect days where all the children were happy, off playing together allowing actual moments of relaxation and the rarity of free flowing conversation.

There were a group of mothers there who were connected in a range of ways – friends from school, friends from their children’s school, friends from mother’s group. On this particular day, Jane was sitting next to me and our mutual friend on her other side. We chatted, and she seemed genuine and smart. I thought she was a person I would definitely get along with.

After half an hour her daughter came over asking for Jane to push her on the swing. She happily obliged and spent about 15 minutes pushing her daughter “high into the sky,” as she gleefully described it. Upon her return she made a comment about how she just loves that her daughter is so happy when she plays with her and for her, it's one of her own favourite things to do too.

Not too long after this her son, who is about a year and-a-half older, came over to Jane, asking for her to please go to the toilet with him. Rather than the kind, obliging response I was expecting, like the one she had given her daughter minutes earlier, Jane turned to him and said, “don’t be silly, you can go by yourself, Mum is busy.”

Image: iStock

She had no interest in playing with her son. Image: iStock 

She just shut him down

Her tone was completely disinterested and unempathetic. Despite him pleading with her, and eventually on the verge of tears, she refused to accompany him and sent the four and-a-half-year-old to the public toilet alone, telling the group as he walked away, with his head down, completely dejected, “he really drives me nuts!”

Because it was my first time meeting Jane and her children, despite thinking it was a little harsh and unfair, I kept my judgement to myself and gave her the benefit of the doubt. We all have those days, after all. Unfortunately, though, this was not a one off and nearly every play date or catch-up that followed, a similar situation unfolded. It seemed that her daughter could do no wrong, that the answer was always yes with absolute pleasure, but her son could never get anything right, the answer was always no, he seemed to always grate on her nerves and be an inconvenience to whatever she was doing.

Shot of a young mother hanging outside with her son and daughter

The mother had two kids but only cared about the daughter. Image: iStock 

It wasn't an isolated incident

Through our connections we had become friends on social media and one day after another one of these incidents I decided to look through her profile. Perhaps there were some clues as to why she seemed to prefer her daughter over her son, I thought.

Instead I found more examples of this favouritism, that made my assumption more concrete and also made me utterly uncomfortable, without providing any of the answers I was seeing (although I can’t think what they could have been). Her Instagram was filled with images, most were family images - her partner and herself, the entire family on holidays - but 99 percent were of her and her daughter, just the two of them.

In fact, throughout the entire page, I only found one of her and her son and that was dated before her daughter was born. After seeing this, I shared my feelings with our mutual friend because observing this blatant favouritism was becoming intolerable to watch and quite upsetting.

It made no sense

Although my friend felt exactly the same way as me, she said there was seemingly no reason behind it. From the minute Jane had her daughter she showed her preference, from the amount of money she spent on her, the amount of gifts at Christmas and birthdays, the effort and money she spent on parties she held for them, to her time and attention. Her daughter was the apple of her eye, in absolutely every sense.

While each person parents in their own way and 99 percent of the time I absolutely respect this and show no judgement, for me this proved too hard to continue observing. I didn’t know Jane well enough to have such a tough conversation with her but decided it was best that I no longer joined the group if she was present. Undoubtedly her son will be the person most significantly affected by her choices, but it also is hard for others too.