April 14, 2012

Dream Day

Day 14: Describe your ideal day. How would you spend your time? Who would you spend it with? Have you had this day? If not – how could you make it happen?

Life really isn't as bad as it seems some times.  When I think about my "perfect" day, it isn't far off from my usual day.  In my dream day, there would be no fatigue or medications that make me sick.  So instead of spending the first 4 hours of my day in the bathroom, I could enjoy breakfast with the boys.  I love making breakfast, but hardly ever get a chance to eat it.  Good and bad thing I guess.  

Without the fatigue holding me down , I could actually get out and play with the boys.  And not have to sit down right after 5 minuets.  I think one of the reasons I sit out is because I always feel like I am letting them down when I have to stop.  But I want so very badly, to run and ride and scream for joy with them.  Imagine a whole afternoon without having to fight the urge to just crash and sleep.  I miss the fun crafts Anthony and I used to do.  We used to go for walks and play cars all day long.  And these days, I hold myself up in my room to embarrassed to let them see me so tired.  Then there is the irritability factor and who wants to be a monster mom.  I hate her.  She still manages to get out and in a perfect day, she would be GONE!  Only smiles and calm voices.  That would be nice.  

I would love to be able to just go when ever I please.  I tend to get my energy in the middle of being sick.  And I know I cant go anywhere because I have to stay close to home.  Alexander gets mad at me after the first few times I get up and go to the bathroom.  By the third or fourth trip he is usually sighing like a teenager.  Clearly annoyed by the side effects too!  

I want to be able to cook dinner with out my ankles hurting and swelling.  And in my perfect day, David is home for dinner.  I have not seen a man work so hard, ever!  I would love a day where he comes home and isn't just as tired as I am.  I would love a little downtime with just him.  To unwind.  Catch up and reconnect.  I when days go by with nothing much more than a few texts during the day and a kiss goodbye.  In a perfect day, I would not be so alone. 

I love the weekends when I have enough energy to get out and have some fun.  Even if its just watching the boys play at the park.  Or walking around the store.  Seeing friends.  A day where I am not stuck here.  I feel like I am a prison of my illness.  Cant go out.  Cant eat this, cant drink that.  No driving, no being unsupervised for long periods.  

In the perfect day, I could just be me.  Living life to the fullest and enjoying every minuet of it.  No pain, worry or pills.  No breaks, just doing it all and not stopping until I decide to.  Freedom.  That sounds nice.

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