The only way is up…….then back down again

I have just returned from a hen weekend away to Amsterdam with Dave’s gorgeous family. As far as in-laws go, I hit the jackpot with mine in the same way I did with Dave. They are amazing and supportive and I love them dearly.

We have had a brilliant time in what can only be described as a very ‘interesting’ city. We hired a booze bike, went on a boat cruise along the canals, had our eyes opened in the Red Light District and went to see Anne Frank’s house which was incredibly humbling and moving. We have also laughed…….a lot. The thing is though, there was a feeling of sadness with not just me, but most people who were there.  An undercurrent of something not being as it should be, which of course it isn’t.

There were a few times where his absence in our lives became overwhelming and emotions ran high. The tears inevitably fell and sadness reared its ugly head for a few minutes and cast a shadow. I know its still early days (108 To be exact) but I fear it will always be the same. But we have each other.

For me personally, I felt the void of not having him to call or text when we did something daft or saw something interesting. He was always the first person I would contact with news to tell and seeing and hearing everyone else on the phone or messaging their ‘first person’ was difficult to deal with sometimes. It’s no-ones fault, it’s just something I have to learn to live with…….something else.

After the massive high of laughing so much, having a break from work and being with family, my new reality started to creep back in whilst on the flight home. I was sat in a seat by the window away from some of the family as we had struggled to get seats together. I spent the flight staring out of the window, thinking about Dave and looking at the clouds and how amazing it would be if the notion that once people die, they are up in heaven in the clouds were true. Would I see him? Was I as close to him than ever because I was 37000 feet in the air? Then things that go through my mind eh?  Wishful thinking or what.

Once off the flight and after saying goodbye to everyone, the journey home once again brought the impending reality back. He won’t be there, I can’t tell him all the funny things that happened and I am lonely for him again.

This new life really is crap and I miss him terribly.


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