Elen: I’m somewhere in the middle

credit: Susanne Hakuba

“Most of my life I accepted that I was male, you know, I, that’s what I was told, and I, I never saw myself as, being in the wrong body or anything like that. I saw myself as male. But, I just didn’t like the way a lot of other males were …  Always got on much better with women, and that, from early on you know, I much preferred the company of girls. I have always been interested in trying to understand myself, that would be my life’s mission if you like, to understand why am I like I am, why do I think these things and feel these things, just in general, about everything.”




Elen had presented most of her life as male, but was always preoccupied with a desire to ‘understand herself’. This crystallised into research around gender identity, and later in life, into exploration of her trans identity. Elen feels that “I didn’t actually fully really come to terms with it until I was in my sixties, so most of my life I was trans, but didn’t realise it”  

Elen feels that although she used to play a male role in her work life, she never felt it was the ‘real me’. When she came out as Elen, felt that the female role suited her much better. However she ultimately feels that:

“it’s not the real me. The real me is still the the  rather androgynous bit inside. And that hasn’t basically changed. That’s the same me who used to be in a male, outer presentation. Now, is the same me in an outer female presentation. And when I’m at home, I like to just dress very androgynously”

Elen doesn’t feel that she had the same experience as many trans people, who really struggled with wanting to be someone that they couldn’t. She feels that she wasn’t happy being made to play a particularly male role, but did manage to play it, and enjoy parts of it: for example in being a father. Now, she reflects that she was always more interested in typically ‘female’ tasks – like changing nappies and getting them off to sleep – rather than ‘male’ dominions, like sport etc.

 “but the real me is still the real me, and always has been. And that, that, and that is a person who is neither male nor female. I’m not, I’ve never been a man, but I’ll never be a woman. I’m somewhere in the middle and always will be”

Elen is married to Jenny-Anne, who is also a trans woman. “I personally believe it’s because we’re both trans. I think that trans relationships can work very well, although an awful lot of trans people seem very wary of having them, and I do wonder if that’s because they feel they need a member of the opposite gender to sort of validate them somehow”

They live in North Wales. Together, they work to support the trans community. Elen is secretary of a support group, and the couple also own a second property which they offer as a space for trans people to recuperate from surgery or try out living in another gender role.

Christianity is central to her partner Jenny-Anne’s life. The couple are an active part of a church community, which Elen appreciates. However, she is not formally a member of the church. While she is fascinated by the ‘big questions’ which religion engages with, and lives by many of the same values, she does not wish to subscribe to the ‘dogma’ of the church. As such, she does not consider herself a practicing Christian.

“I’ve grown to like the church. I have a joke with them that I’m the longest-serving non-member”

With regards to people who say ‘God doesn’t like trans people’ (or homosexuals), she would say:

“Well why does he make them then?”

She thinks that people tend to attack because they’re scared, they don’t understand it, and they want it to go away. For herself, Elen says she can’t believe in:

“a God who makes people either gay, or trans, and then says: ‘You’re wicked if you express that, you’ve got to pretend you’re not’. Now to me, that’s just cruel, and I can’t imagine any sort of deity would actually behave like that”

Jenny-Anne has had a huge influence on Elen’s development, and especially her spiritual development. “She just accepted me very much as I really am”. Elen feels that this kind of unconditional acceptance is what allows people to help us to get to grips with who we really are, to find out about ourselves.

“The key is not to think ‘right, I must be a successful woman (or a successful man, depending which way they’re going) … To me, really, the only point to doing, to changing from where you are, is if you’re gonna be yourself. You’ve got to work out where you are, what’s comfortable for you, what you really want to do, and do that”