Wednesday, November 9, 2011

A Teenage Girl's Perspective on Transformers: Dark of the Moon

The large majority of us movie bloggers think that this movie is not that great. So you, the reader, probably don't want another review filled with statements like: "big-budgeted blockbusters suck", "everyone go see an arthouse movie instead of this one!", "Michael Bay is a talentless hack", "the stupidest blockbuster ever", etc etc etc. Because I could possibly do a review using all of those terms, plus a lot more harsh ones to follow. But no, instead I'll list some of the random thoughts I had whilst watching this movie. Because I am a teenage girl, which  means I am arguably the complete opposite to the film's target audience: the teenage boy. I'm sorry if you are a teenage boy and you somehow liked this film...I truly am.

1. The start was promising. I thought it was going to be quite smart. With all it's mooniness and archive footage and such. But hey, that was only the first six minutes. And we've got to remember that this is a 154 minute movie, which gives it a lot of time to degrade it's intelligence.

2. After the title rolls up, we get a nice shot of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley's (perfect) tanned legs as they walk up the stairs. I believe this is Michael Bay's way of trying to make us warm to this impostor. I can imagine the pitch: "I know that she's not really good at acting. But do you know what supermodels are really good at? Walking. And do you know what's even better than a supermodel walking? A supermodel with perfect legs walking up the stairs. If that's the very first thing everyone sees then hopefully they'll just ignore the fact that she's a bad actress."

3. What the hell was with that stuffed bunny? Is this Michael Bay trying to make us 'read between the lines' or something?

4. But back to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: she had a pretty cool wardrobe. Which was filled with lots of white. Which I guess isn't that great when you happen to be living in a world with Transformers which are rather greasy and dirty. And if you get any grease and dirt on white clothes then damn, you got some washing to do, girlfriend. But I assume little miss Carly Spencer doesn't do washing, so she can wear as much white as she wants.

5. And while we are on the subject of Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (why must her name be so long?!) know how you can tell when someone is bad at acting? When you wish Megan Fox was still in the film because she's 100 times better than the new chick. And that is saying something. Something bad.

6. What was up with the weird pop-rock music that just suddenly turned up in the movie's 'softer' moments? Actually, considering the first movie had a pretty cool soundtrack, this one was an abomination.

7. Good old Michael Bay sure likes to make his editing work known by having one shot-black screen-another shot-black screen-and another shot-black screen. What was the point in that?

8. The first hour or so was so lame. Because there was a lot of talking. And this movie was not written by Aaron Sorkin.

9. What the hell was Frances McDormand doing in this movie? She was awesome, though. As per usual.

10. And who chose Patrick Dempsey as the villain? He was about as scary as a cat. Just a normal, domesticated feline.

11. Since we're talking about the cast, where was Shia LaBeouf? He was so spaced out, his head was not in the game at all. Come on, Shia, I used to have the hugest crush on you when I was 11 years old. You used to have so much spunk. What happened?

12. You know what was cool? How all those guys started flying. I want one of those flying contraptions. And then I could be Batman.

13. Admittedly, I stopped giving this film my full attention about half an hour in. It had part of my attention, the minimum amount. The rest of my attention was back at the good films of Christopher Nolan where he and his awesomeness are doing things that no-one in Transformers 3, including and especially Michael Bay is intellectually or creatively capable of doing. Yes I adequately answered a condescending question that no-one was asking but it's good to apply The Social Network quotes to real life every now and again.

14. But when Bumblebee almost died, I was getting pretty darn pissed. I love Bumblebee. We shall be together forever.

15. Since when does a finale go for over a bloody hour?!

16. Because I'm an extremely positive person I'll say there was one good thing about this movie: the visuals.

17. But then again, I've seen more focus from a middle-aged drunken woman than there was in this movie.

18. I can't believe that teenage guys literally sit in front of the screen crying with joy over how jizz-worthy this movie is. Not that I mean to demean teenage guys in any way, because some are actually cool. But I'm sorry, this is not the "mind-blowing best movie of the year" I got told it was.

19. Even Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was better than this one. I still stand by my love for the first film, though. This one just lacked the spirit that that one had.

20. I'm sorry but watching a whole lot of robots beat each other up for like, an hour was pretty boring. Even my puppy, who was really hyper at the beginning of the film, fell asleep.

21. Had I not seen The Roommate on the 5th of September, this would have been the worst movie I've seen all year. You would literally have to pay me the entire budget of this film ($195,000,000) to go through that 154 minutes again. And I can't even say "I want my money back!" because I didn't even pay anything for it in the first place! Which I suppose is a good thing.

I feel really bad for being so negative. But, unfortunately, this movie was baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. What did you think of it?


  1. What did I think of it? In one word....crap.

  2. "What the hell was Frances McDormand doing in this movie?"

    Accepting a very large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage or something similar, I presume.

  3. oh my sweeeet lord! Patrick Dempsey is in it? and he plays a vilain? This has gotta to be one of the funniest things ever! :lol:

  4. HAhahahahaha. This made my day. Especially the Social Network reference. Speaking of, today someone in my college asked me if I had heard of "that Facebook movie". I know I am going off-topic here, but since the topic is Transformers 3, that should be a good thing.

    Also, why was John Malkovich an Oompa Loompa in this film?

  5. I thought just what Sati thought: Patrick Dempsey? You gotta be kidding me!
    Then again, I just re-watched Scream 3, and he was in that one too (which I didn't remember)... not a villain, but for one second you thought he is.

  6. This movie was the biggest collective waste of talent i've ever seen. And i actually think Dempsey fit his role perfectly.

  7. I'm a Michael Bay hater though I did like the first Bad Boys and The Rock. Everything else afterwards is fucking crap after fucking crap. I hate what he does as a filmmaker. I thought the first Transformers was almost OK but the 2nd one was just absolute shit. I know if I even see the third film, my opinion will be very biased because I don't like what he does. He's everything that I don't like about mainstream Hollywood movies.

  8. "I've seen more focus from a middle-aged drunken woman than there was in this movie." So true. This was a disaster from minute one. And you know the worst thing? Michael fucking Bay is bound to make another fucking one.

  9. Ahaha Stevee, I never thought anyone would agree with me that this was at least just as bad as Revenge of the Fallen. Absolutely horrible movie.

    Sometimes, you watch a flick and there is one or two cheesy moments that make you cringe a little bit. Well, this movie managed to give you that feeling over the length of 2 hours and a half! I think that's the best description I can give of watching Transformers: Dark of the Moon.


    Yeah, everything that can be said about the TRANSFORMERS franchise has been said before.

    What I would like to say is the comments about teenage boys liking this film is a pretty big generalisation. I have many mates who hate everything about these films and Bay's style of filmmaking. Admittedly, I do have one friend who likes these films but to be honest, he isn't exactly the intellectual type or even a person with much filmic knowledge.

    As for what I think? Well, as I said, everything that can be said, has been said before. However, here's a video of Mark Kermode (my favourite critic) who sums everything up perfectly: 'WAAAARRRGH!' He also has something to say about the sixty-minute battle sequence. It's a great rant.

  11. I give it a 2/4, i'm not going to pretend like I actually liked the movie, but I thought it was an improvement on the second one! The music and the effects were good, that's about it, I was generous, as you can see...

  12. Brent - Indeed.

    James - Maybe.

    Sati - Haha, I thought he did a really poor effort!

    Nikhat - Great! I actually have something special for any The Social Network fans all lined up for tomorrow ;)
    A better question is: why is John Malkovich in this movie?

    Mette - Let's just say, Patrick Dempsey isn't the best choice for playing a villain...

    Julian - Yes, this movie is just a waste, really. There are starving children out there.

    Steven - Yeah, I'm a bit of a Bay hater too. I did really like the first Transformers, but the second one was bloody awful.

    Tyler - Indeed. I will not put myself through another one of these atrocities!

    Castor - That description is exactly what I thought when I was watching the film! It just goes on and on and on and on and on...which is not a good thing at all.

    Leith - Yes, I guess it is a generalisation, but every teenage boy that I have spoken to has loved this film. Which is slightly annoying.
    That is a great rant! I completely agree with him!

    Matt - You were very generous. You are a very nice person!

  13. I had a great time with this film although I can see why basically everybody just hates it. Bay never really does make smart films anyway. Good review Stevee. Sorry you head is still hurting.

  14. Oh i forgot to mention this is the first time i got racist undertones from a recent movie

  15. Lovely post... and might I say that although you are a teenage girl, but your remarks resemble that of a 30 odd year old man (ahem ... me!).

  16. Julian - Really? Where?

    Raghav - Haha, I'm glad to know that we are on the same page!

  17. This movie had the same problem as the last one - it was just way too fucking long. I was into it for a little bit (a VERY little bit) and then it just went on and on and on AND ON AND ON AND ON!!!! Just beat the bad guys and end the movie already - that's what I was thinking for the last two hours or so of this dreck.


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