Sex and the new dad

How long do we have to wait before having sex again?

If you ask doctors, they'll advise you to wait six weeks. But it's also a matter of preference; not everyone waits that long, and not everyone is ready that soon. You'll probably need six weeks if your wife has had an episiotomy or any vaginal tearing; a wound takes time to heal. But if her birth experience was relatively easy, she might be ready sooner. It's a first time of sorts, so take your time and be gentle. And, obviously, if something hurts, stop.

Even if you forego intercourse for a while, you don't have to rule out intimacy altogether. "We waited the six weeks that the doctor told us to wait," says BabyCenter dad Mathew. "But we didn't wait nearly that long to find alternative ways to enjoy ourselves."

Is it true we don't need to worry about birth control for now?

Are you ready for another baby? While it's true a woman isn't fertile immediately after birth, especially if she's breastfeeding, it's impossible to predict how long this stage will last. When your wife finally does start her periods again, she has already been fertile for about two weeks. And if you're playing birth control-roulette, that's two weeks when you might already have hit the jackpot.

Those carefree days during pregnancy when you didn't need to think about birth control are definitely over, so do put some time into working out what type of contraception will work for you. If your wife is breastfeeding, you'll probably need to choose a barrier method such as condoms. The hormones in oral contraceptives don't mix with breastfeeding, although progestogen-only mini-pills are okay. Discuss this with your wife before her six-week postnatal checkup. Then when the doctor brings it up, you will be prepared; even if the doctor does not bring it up, feel free to do so and ask for more information.

We've been given the okay to have sex, but my wife just doesn't seem to be keen. What am I doing wrong?

There can be a huge gap between physical and emotional readiness for intimacy. Even if it's been six weeks, even if your wife's been told she can go ahead and have sex again, she may not be interested. She may be afraid of pain, she may need more time, she may just be tired. Your best bet is to give her some space, lots of affection and no pressure. A few well-placed compliments won't hurt either. Read our comments from other BabyCenter parents about how they reignited their love lives after having a baby.

Put yourself in your wife's shoes; she may have barely regained her strength from giving birth, and now she's giving what energy she has to the baby. If she's breastfeeding, her body is constantly in demand, and even if she's not, taking care of a newborn is an intensely physical job. Finally, don't forget that during the recent miracle of your baby's birth, your wife spent several hours with the most private parts of her body on display to a roomful of nurses and doctors.

As your wife adjusts to a whole new role, she may have little energy left at the moment for physical loving. But that doesn't mean she loves you any less. In fact, many couples find the period after childbirth very romantic, if not very sexual.

How can I woo my wife back into the mood?

Wooing is exactly the right approach; you need to romance your wife almost as if you were just going out together again. You have both been through a major life change, and while you both love each other, you're each going through the process of falling in love with a whole new person that you created together.

These can be bewildering, enchanting and exhausting times -- for both of you. While your wife's hormones and her body are doing things they've never done before, you're both deciphering the confusing signals of a new baby, coping with sleep deprivation, and learning that a new baby brings both joy and stress to a household and relationship.

So if you're ready to get intimate and she's not, courtship is key. Keep things simple at first. Start with cuddling, since this may be all that either of you has the energy to handle. Remind her that you find her attractive, and make her feel like a woman, not just a mother. It may take time to resume some normality, but sex will be part of your lives again. Really.

We're ready for the big night. Anything I should know?

One of nature's little tricks is that postnatally women tend to be rather dry during sex, even more so when breastfeeding. Don't assume she's not turned on, but do use some lubricant, such as K-Y Jelly or to ease any awkwardness or discomfort.

Take things slowly, find a comfortable position, and let your wife control the pace. She may still be sore, or afraid of any pain. And sex may feel different.

Your baby will almost certainly interrupt your first forays into sexual intimacy. Whether it's naptime or the middle of the night, assume the baby will wake up crying at exactly the wrong time. Welcome to the world of parenting.

Talk to other BabyCenter dads! You'll find them today in our Community forums.

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