Friday, February 20, 2004

40 Degrees & Slightly Windy

The weather is pretty nice in NYC today. I heard on the radio it was 40 degrees out, and it feels pretty comfortable for walking. Today would be a nice day to take a bike ride in Central Park or roam around Times Square. Depending if you have a job or not. If you have a job, I guess today would be a good day to go to work.

I always hated talking about the weather. It really is a stand-by for "I have nothing at all to say. My brain is completely empty."

"How's the weather where you are?"
"Good, and how about where you are?"
"Oh, it's nice today. A little overcast, but not too cold."
"Oh, good. That sounds okay."

When it is cold, I always wish it would get hot, and when it is hot, I always wish it would get cold. I think my favorite season is probably Fall, but not dead into fall, more the taint between Summer and Fall, where it's still warm, but who knows? Maybe tomorrow it won't be. I don't really care about the leaves too much. Everyone talks about the leaves and going to see the leaves, and the foliage in New England, and wouldn't it be nice to take a trip up north and see the foliage? I never gave much of a shit about leaves, though I like trees just fine, they are a nice invention and whoever made them should get credit, though I am not exactly sure who to give the credit to. Maybe God? Or the Devil?
The Devil supposedly made hell, right? Well, what else did he make? Or was he a one hit wonder type of dark angel?

A comic pointed out the other night that everyone says, well, maybe god is a woman? Did you ever think of that? But no one ever says that about the devil. Well, maybe the devil is a woman? But I disagree. I always thought that the devil was either a gay man or a woman.

I noticed in New York, all the trees are caged up, and some of them appear to be shedding their outer layer of skin like they are metamorphosing into some new, different tree. I wonder if that is a special tree disease or if they are following some kind of trend in mother nature? I wonder if functions of mother nature happen because she is following trends in other aspects of her own creation?

This piece is very internal, organic, a bit sad in tone, perhaps. Maybe because I can feel a change coming on of the seasons, Winter to Spring.

When I met Christopher in the Fall, I wrote a song about him, jokingly, and called it "Fall to Winter Fling" and one of the lines went, "Maybe Spring will bring something new and interesting, but until then...." and here it is, going into Spring and we are still dating. I don't know for how much longer, it's never been that sound of a relationship. Some might even argue that it is a, what do they call those..., a bounce back or something, a rebound. That's it. Because I started dating him just after I broke up with my fiance of six years. I don't know much about rebounds or what they mean or what is supposed to happen with them, but nothing lasts forever, anyway.

That kind of sucks. I'd like to be able to get into a relationship with someone where I feel so secure, where we can do no wrong to eachother, where I don't want to rip their guts out or murder them while they are sleeping. Where he buys me presents on Valentine's Day, or takes me out to dinner just because he wants to, and I learn things from being around him, because he's smart and he's been to foreign countries or where ever you go to learn great things. I'm not trying to complain about my current relationship, it's got it's strengths and weaknesses, but there's always that impending feeling of, okay, when is this going to be over? How is this going to end? Are we going to just stop calling eachother one day? Will I be hit by a bus? Will he decide he doesn't like me anymore? Will I find someone I like better?

My grandparents were married for sixty something years. He died last year of emphysema. Everyone's grandparents were married for sixty something years. They had to be. Divorce wasn't cool in the 50s, (did it even exist?) but integrity was. If two people swore they'd love eachother forever, they stood by that. They meant it. For better or worse and all that shit. Now, people get married because they're bored or because there's a house in it somewhere for one of them. I know that there is someone out there who has integrity and they don't know it yet, but they are going to love me so much. And one of us will bury the other one.

So, it looks a bit overcast outside. I don't know where the sun is, maybe it went to go take a piss or something. I don't think it's going to rain or snow. The other day they said it would snow and then it never did. Telling the weather is like telling the future. Sometimes the teller is right, and sometimes they're not, and there's a little bit of skill to it, and a little bit of guess work. But no matter the prediction, either the weather or the future, both are uncertain.

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