Shakespeare Not in Love

Emmy and I had a great first date.  And second date.  And several subsequent dates.  We seemed bound for something special.

During intimate moments, she would whisper things like, "You're perfect," "I want to be your dream girl," and "Let's start something beautiful."  Things like that, when said in a certain way, feeling someone's breath on you, and being held just right, can amplify their meaning a many thousand times.

So I wrote her a poem.  Not just any poem, but one that took me three weeks to compose.  Not just any words, but words that meant something.  Not just any metaphors, but those that would evoke the sort of imagery I felt on the inside.  I really, really dug this girl.

I gave it to her and she seemed touched.  "Wow, I–wow.  Thanks."

I didn't hear from her the next day or the next, so I called her.  "Hey Emmy.  What's going on?"

"We shouldn't see each other anymore."

"Why not?"

"You're coming on way too intense.  I mean, a poem?  Come on."

"Hmmm.  Well, you told me that you think I'm perfect, you want to be my dream girl, and that you wanted to start something beautiful.  I'm not perfect, but I took your feelings seriously.  Should I not have?"

"Ugh.  Those were things just said... I don't know.  I just said them."

"So you didn't mean them?"

"Well, I guess.. I don't know.  I guess not."

I frowned.  "So why did you say them?"

She sighed sharply.  "I don't know!  Stop with the questions!"

"I only have one more.  Then I'll leave you alone."

"What is it?"

"Wouldn't it have been easier to come out and tell me that you were a lying bitch from the get-go?"



  1. Shitty but win at the same time.

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. Pfft. Anger is for pussies. Real men feel nothing.

  4. My mom was engaged to someone and he wrote her a poem. She read it to me and all her friends behind his back. We had a really good laugh. I think the poem was what broke the camel's back. They never got married.

  5. People are entitled to change their minds, jackass! You yelled at her for being honest with you. Sheesh.

  6. That must have been one hell of a poem.

  7. Roses are red, violets are blue
    You lying bitch

  8. Writing a poem is pretty fucking gay, dude.

  9. While certainly, this girl is a lying bitch, writing poems for girls is usually a bad idea if you have no prior poem writing experince.

  10. That girl was probably extremely confused. I've been with girls like that, who've told me the most amazing things one day, and two weeks later they're thinking about getting back together with their ex or thinking about the cute new guy at work. It's just pure confusion and ignorance.

    P.S. Poems are great but they're not for everyone, as our small-minded insecure anonymous friend knows.

  11. Dance of intimacy. She got scared. You took it too personally. If this happened recently, call her up and say that you were hurt, but are sorry for calling her a bitch. That you were really into her and are sorry that it's over. If I'm right, she'd apologize and ask to start over. If I'm wrong, you're in the same boat but can move on. If you get back together, take it slow and talk about the intimacy stuff as it comes up and don't take her fear pattern seriously. My wife and I (16 years together) broke up 5 times before getting married.

  12. Be very careful with poems. If you write one, you have to write it expecting nothing in return. Otherwise, it's a "conditional poem." Who wants that? Have a sense of humor.

  13. Hazel go fuck yourself, dirty ol fuck.

    Dude great way to end it. Cheers.

  14. We don't know what your poem was like, so we have no way of knowing if her response was justified. I know you feel ripped-off emotionally, and that's sad, but you probably pushed her buttons without intending to. She over-reacted, but then again you didn't try to sit down with her and find out what set her off. So I'd say you're even.

    I can't imagine loving someone enough to write a serious poem, then calling her a bitch on the telephone. That's weird.

  15. Poetry is the last thing dames are into. If sex were a disease then poetry written for gals would be the cure. Don't tell a girl your feelings, not until they beat them out of you. That way they'll appreciate them more.

  16. Poetry can express so many different things. Not one of these opinions is correct.

    F that bitch! She should have asked you to explain yourself before breaking up with you.

  17. I've learned that girls will say lots of things during sex, none of which really means anything. It's kinda like how anything us guys say just before sex doesn't count either.

    She's still a bitch though. Obviously she never really cared about you, otherwise even a crappy poem wouldn't make her breakup with you. She could've just laughed it off.

  18. If a man wrote me a poem, I'd be touched, as I like to write poems (and songs) myself. Sorry that she lied to you.


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