Monday, October 4, 2010

Pregnancy after Miscarriage: A Journey of Hope {Today - 20wks}

tightrope sculpture
{Photo Credit bezerella via Flickr Creative Commons}

I am still surprised to wake up every morning with a belly, I keep expecting to see it deflated. Still expecting to wake up an not have this be real. I'm trying hard to remember that sometimes they live, that living, this, is the normal. Like my doc said, this is what a pregnancy is supposed to look like.

Tomorrow is my 20 week ultrasound. My husband has had the flu (full blown! With high fevers) for 5 days. My kids now are coughing and feverish, my daughter is back on nebs. I am torn. Torn between wanting to comfort and take care of my kids and family and wanting to run away and protect this little unborn blessing from all the germs. It's a very hard place to be in, that no one really understands. Particularly because it's not my personality. I have always been germs the type that believe germs are good for you. they build your immune system. My kids get sick, we don't do flu shots (I get one, for myself only because I'm high risk- asthma). I don't medicate fevers until the get high.

Everything is different now.

I must weigh every risk, wonder if it's what caused the horror to happen. Was it the flu shots (I have to confess I wonder (blame) the swine flu one, a lot) was it the fever, the cold I had, could if have been the strep that was always there lying dormant in our house all last winter, hiding in my sons inflamed tonsils. I have no answers so now I fear it all.

It's not all doom, there is so much joy. I cant wait to see that little bundle* moving on the screen. Ultrasounds, and that room still give me anxiety and I hold my breathe and breakdown into tears frequently. I can feel him/her moving all the time now. He/she seems to know just when I need them most, when my anxiety is at the highest and I need to be reassured. I love him/her so much already, so much it hurts, and worries me. Can you love a baby too much? Will I smother them so much to make up for what was lost?

My anxiety is high. I am terrified that the PPD will be bad this time. Not as bad as the first, I know what to look for, my husband knows what to look for. However I am already having obsessive thoughts, worries about completely far fetched scenarios (what if that car runs through the red lights and hit us). Knowing is half the battle right? If I can identify that I am worried and having these thoughts I can move on, right?

It's a tricky balancing act. I feel like I am on a high wire trying to balance (with this growing belly!) balance the joy, the blessings! With the worry the anxiety, the pain. I try to remind myself when my stomach starts to ache or my leg goes numb from sciatica that these are good things. Symptoms that I am still pregnant that all is still well. I am whining less and accepting these painful reminders to slow down and enjoy the little butterfly kicks and know that before we know it we will be a family of 5.

Sometimes they live, it's time to change the focus to that. I can't hide from the germs, the anxieties the fears. I can only choose to focus on the end of the tightrope, to maintain my balance and remember that most times they live. Oh and count down the minutes until tomorrows appointment (the first one where I haven't gone in early!) and I get to hear that little heartbeat and be reminded, reassured.

* My husband believes babies are the last true surprises in the world, so despite me and the kids wanting to find out we will not be finding out the gender. I think it's a boy.


Jen @ After The Alter said...

I had the same fears with each appt. I remember being terrified of the doctors for a long time. You say "sometimes they live" and I think you should change that to "most" of the time. I had to remind myself of that also. Hang in there and try to enjoy. the 20 week appt is great!!!

Brooke said...

Such a beautiful post! It rings so true with me right now. Enjoy your u/s and each and every pregnancy symptom.

I am avoiding an u/s like the plague. After glaring at a screen that reads "heart rate ___ & 7 wks2days" when you're supposed to be 11 weeks pregnant, you kind of never want to look at one again.

Did I mention I'm 7weeks1day today? Yikes.

Sometimes they live. Thank you.

Tristina said...

Oh you beautiful, beautiful mama... Enjoy it, revel in it, hum songs so [he] can hear and learn your voice for this is a magical time and a happy time.

I had the same fears during my pregnancy. I had the same far-fetched "what if" moments - and I have a CRAZY imagination, too. Which totally doesn't help.

At all.

I took all the craziness as good. It meant I was protective. I cared.

Love and hugs

Shell said...

You sound like you have a handle on your emotions and fears, though. Sending you and your little bundle lots of prayers!

Oh, and I believe finding out a baby's gender is a great surprise, too- but for me, it's a surprise we get at the ultrasound, not at delivery. ;)

Allison @ Alli 'n Son said...

My sister went through something similar. After 3 miscarriages (once it was twins) she finally got pregnant and stayed pregnant. But she worried the entire time. Here's hoping that the next 20 weeks go quickly and happily so you can meet your new little one soon.

Unknown said...

I hope the next 20 weeks you are able to revel in this pregnancy - that you are able to cherish every single minute that you are pregnant - it sounds like you have struggled, worried and wrung your hands enough to deserve it.

Oh and I'm with Shell it's a great surprise at the ultra sound - but wonder what it would be like to find out in the delivery room.

Hyacynth said...

I know this is so very, very hard for you, Mel. I'll be praying for peace. And when that worry overcomes you, just start thanking Him for the blessings. I know that sounds lame, but science has shown that we cannot be afraid while we're giving thanks. Both emotions are controlled by the same part of the brain -- the nuerons can't fire at the same time, so to speak.
It's not a cure all, no. But it's helped me find relief {especially after my dad died and everything seemed so very fragile, like all of the life in the room was hanging by a seriously delicate thread}.
Hugs, friend.

LutherLiz said...

I've been thinking about you for a whole day thinking of how to respond. And I can only say that I can see exactly how hard it must be and I will be praying for you and the baby. I hope (and feel confident) that it will be clear in 20 weeks or so that indeed most babies do live. Blessings my friend.

ros said...

Thankyou for your story and honesty. 6 months after my loss, i'm still crying when i read stories like yours and the comments that followed. Just when I think i'm 'over it', the fact that twice i've turned up to 1st ultrasounds to the horror of news that the baby died weeks ago, something happens that reminds me that the sorrow and loss will always be with me. "Sometimes they live...and that is in fact normal" true. I lost one, 'kept' 2, lost another...will we have the chance to 'keep' a 3rd and 'complete' our family? I am so glad for you that it is going well and I hope the ultrasound is magical for you. Thankyou for your words, it is like listening to myself in a way and i'm glad to know that i am 'normal' (well, as much as anyone else is!). Best of luck.

Liz {Learning To Juggle} said...

I can't even imagine everything you must be going through this time around. I have fears all the time about my baby and have no reason to fear at all.

I am so happy to hear that your 20 week appointment went well (did you/are you finding out gender?) I hope these next 20 weeks fly by smoothly!!

Karleen said...

I can completely understand how scary it can be getting pregnant again after such a horrible experience. Congrats to you to getting on the horse again and a healthy ultrasound.