Sunday, October 23, 2011

On a scale of 1 to 10, how bad is it to off a coworker?

I spend a lot of my life at work.  With the same people day in and day out.  This can be a very bad thing.  This can be a very bad thing if you work with people like Toph.  The same Toph, if you recall, who tried to murder me with this apple.  Sometimes he makes me laugh until I cry.  Most of the time, he makes me want to punch him in his face until his asshole bleeds.  If that is an actual physical possibility, I do not know.  But I'd be willing to volunteer Toph and participate in a study.  Purely for scientific purposes, naturally.

I had a question about an e-mail I received.  I called him for clarification.  He said he wasn't sure what I was talking about and said "I'll be right over".

Me: No.  You really don't need to come over here.  Just answer the question.

T: Oh, it's not a problem, I'll be right there.

Me: Don't come over here!  I don't want you in my space.

He'd already hung up and was making his way into my personal space.  I had woken up late this morning, thrown on wrinkled clothes that I found on the floor of the closet, brushed my teeth and went to work.  I did not brush my hair, hadn't bothered to apply so much as chapstick on my face, and hadn't even had a sip of coffee yet.  I pretty much spend the first half of every morning looking like I'm hungover, even when I'm not.

T: You look nice today.

Me: Shut the hell up and just answer the question.

T: You know, only if I were single, drunk, blind and dosed on Roofalin, would I be on that.  You know what you should do?  You know what I think would make you pretty?

Me: I don't give a shit what you think.

Toph: How have you not been snatched up?  I'm thinking of a word.  It starts with B and ends in itch.

Me: Okay, you're done.  You have 2 seconds before I stab you in the crotch with my heel.

Toph: You're so pretty when you're pissed off.

Me: You're a complete waste of space.

Toph:  Go fuck yourself.

As he turns to leave I say "That went well".  He replies with "Welcome to work".

Later on that day I accidentally nudged my keyboard out of it's usual position and noticed a white letter painted on my desk.  What the?  I pick up my keyboard to find the following message.

I simply can't imagine who put that there.


  1. First you got me all wobbly kneed over your frolicking in the mud and now you tell me you can punch people in the face until their asshole bleeds? Toph is a poor evaluator of character and hotness.

  2. hmmmm...can't wait to hear how you are going to get him back. Is he married? oh well married or's evident he is INTO YOU! Thank you for stopping by. I know you've done so before, totally recognize your blog!

  3. That's hilarious...all of it. Leaving that message is taking passive aggressiveness to uncharted territories. Were you to bludgeon his head until his anus spurts blood, I wonder how many hits it would take (like getting to the center of a Tootsie pop but more violent and anal bleed-y).

  4. Put tacks in his's a much faster way to make his anus bleed and by the sounds of it, he needs to be punished and punished quickly!

  5. That guy can't be serious! What a complete asshole-but I do agree with Vivian, kinda sounds like he's into you, in a creepy, annoying 5th grade "I like you so I'm gonna pick on you" way. Although seeing you punch him in the mouth till blood comes out his anus sounds pretty hilarious.

  6. Sounds like true love to me.

  7. You just got the Lieber Blog Award!

  8. It's that very question that keeps my boss alive.

  9. I smell a revenge post coming .... ;0)

  10. LOL! Oh VV Darling... the high school games we play... he's definitely into you! I've got extra lipsticks if you need to vandalize his space... xoxo

  11. Wow- I just pictured you as a new-born Bambi. I'm considering adding this skill to my resume.

    Vivian- What he's into is making me want to puncture my own eardrums. Thanks for stopping by again. :)

    Pickleope- Bleed-y? My new favorite word. And I think I feel a commercial coming on.

    Padded Cell Princess- I always knew I liked you!

    Amanda- He really has his assholey moments but it's not the "I'm an asshole cause I'm into you" kinda moments. That would be easier to deal with.

  12. Nixabn- You are absolutely correct. From here on out this blog will be devoted to the many details of the inevitable wedding.

    TriGirl- I LOL'd. Thanks. :) And horrifying thought.

    Mrs. Mommy- You just made my Monday suck a whole lot less. Thank you!!!! This needs a couple more. !!!!!! And a smiley face for emphasis. :) Yep. That should do it.

    Joshua- Have you seen Horrible Bosses yet? It made me happy.

  13. Mandy_Fish- Please. For the love. Tell me this is a rhetorical question. And note I ended that sentence with a period. Not a question mark.

    Jenn Marie- Yes. Revenge. :) Or the fact that I haven't changed my drawers in 4 days. It was a rough weekend.

    C OC Mommy- He's the little brother I never wanted. So no, not into me, he just revels in ruining my life. However, I will take you up on the lipstick. Hopefully something stainy and bright. :)

  14. Hahaha, who did that?! :) Don't you just love co-worker relationships. Love and hate all at the same time. It is amazing that more violence doesn't take place at work. People forced to spend at least 8 hours a day together. You should get a prize for not sticking your heel up in him, lol.
    I'm always happy to see a new one of your posts in my reader. Made my morning!

  15. Just kick him one. Square and hard in a body part of your choice. That should put him in his place. Otherwise put your office accessories to work FOR you. Staple him to his chair.

  16. TexaGerma...oh for the love your name just got longer!- Anyhoo, you're right. I SHOULD get a prize. Like my own office with a door that I can shut in his smug face. And your comment made me happy. So, thank you for that. :)

    One Bad Pixie- I like where your heads at. Staple him to his own chair and then make him watch while I sneeze all over his keyboard. Have I mentioned he's a germ-a-phoebe?

  17. LMAOO!!! This is hilarious xD I can't believe half of that happened but it just has to be true. Wow!! Lol I'd have to give (for his case) it a 3. Think of it as community service xD

  18. The hell kind of a name is "Toph"? His asshole does need to bleed. Make it so.

  19. I cannot imagine me working with him would end well. You obviously possess much more restraint than I.

  20. I'm still irritated thinking about this. Thank God the turnover at my job is ridiculous. Most irritating people weed themselves out quickly.

    P.S. This is Andrew. Just felt like commenting using my anonymous work blog screen name. But I guess I let the cat out of the bag...

  21. Punk Chopsticks- There are many a day I go home wondering if the things that took place in those 9 hours really just happened. Oh for it to all be one bad acid trip!

    Dawn- A name that perfectly suits someone with a name like that. Wait, what?

    Andrew- We're in a recession. I need my job. Plus, I really hate updating my resume. And yeah for secret work blogs! *happy claps* Can't wait to catch up on my reading!

  22. Wow, what's next? Is he going to hold you down and tickle you til you pee?

  23. On the plus side, I've found bad coworkers come in handy when you need an extra energy boost in a kickboxing class. All I need to do is imagine kicking her bitchy little face and I'm all recharged.

  24. He totally has the hots for you and probably thinks being a complete asshat will somehow impress you. Does he know how much damage a high heel can do?

  25. Are you going to mate with this man? You know it's what he wants.

  26. Ixy- That's a perfect idea. Now I just need to take up kickboxing. And holding me down till I pee...I still have a little PSTD from my Dad doing that when I was little.

    Ginny- He's got the hots for himself and that takes up enough of his admiration that he's left depleted. As far as the high hell...I think we should find out how much he knows.

    Gorilla Bananas- Negative ghost writer. On both counts.

  27. I agree with padded cell--lol

    P. S. Even this title had me rolling :) I love your blog.

  28. Oh my hell, he's such a jerk sometimes!!

    Reading this, it's as if I was a fly on the wall and experienced it myself.. & how did I forget this side of his fabulous office behavior?