Wednesday, May 28, 2014

My Big Fat Lip And My Big Fat Mouth

My Big Fat Lip
Yesterday morning, at about 3:00 a.m., halfway awake, I grabbed the end of the bed sheet to pull it up over me.  My hand slipped and I literally punched myself in the lip. I immediately felt my lip start to swell.  I got up out of bed, went into the bathroom to check out my injury.  My lip was split and indeed it was swollen.  As I stood in the kitchen with an ice cube on my face,  I wondered how many other people surely must have done the same thing.
It’s not funny! Okay maybe a little.

My Big Fat Mouth
Yesterday afternoon our bowling league met at Il Giardino’s restaurant for our end of season luncheon.
Our league is called the "Tuesday Morning Ladies”.  This year there were seven teams. The members range in age from the 40’s to the oldest who is 92.
Two of the four members of my team rarely showed up to bowl this year.  So our team, most of the time, was just Sandy and me.  I guess that might account for us coming in 7th.
The luncheon was pleasant.  That is up until the moment when the topic of conversation turned contentious.
Before I continue, I should explain that I am very low key and extremely quiet.  I usually sit and read or knit while I wait for my turn to bowl.   Oh, I cheer on the others, but other than that, as I said, I keep to myself and keep quiet.
Okay, back to the luncheon.
I was sitting across from the 92 year old, Mary.  I always liked Mary.   We would exchange pleasantries whenever we bowled her team.  Mary does not look, or act like you might expect a 92 year old woman to act or look.  She is one of the best bowlers in our league.  She still has a spring in her step and is mentally sharp.  You might guess her age to be at least 20 years younger.  I felt so sad when Mary’s husband of 69 years passed away a few months ago.  I was inspired to see her pick up and continue to carry on with life.
Somehow the conversation at our table turned to our welfare system.  I was taken aback when I heard Mary say, in a disapproving and judgmental tone,  that the highest percentage of unwed mothers in this country are black.
I could not let this go.  I just couldn’t sit and smile and nod my head as if I agreed or condoned her statement.
I said, “Mary, that is not true.”  
“You don’t think so?”  She asked.
“No absolutely not!”  I replied.
“Well, she said, most of ‘them' are on welfare.”
I said, “Look, first, one thing I cannot tolerate is when someone makes such a broad and generalized statement.”
“Second,” I continued, “there are all types of people who need help at various times in their lives.”
“And finally,” I said, “I suspect that most people who are on any kind of public assistance would prefer that they didn’t have to be.”
Mary, began to strongly disagree with me.
I could see that the other people at the table were becoming uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going. There was a lot of seat shifting and eye averting going on.
I backed off and someone else changed the subject.
Later, when I reflected on the incident, I realized that Mary, along with the coach of the Clippers, Donald Sterling, are part of a generation who continue to have deep seated and strong prejudicial feelings.
 Also, like Sterling, Mary staunchly denies begin a prejudiced person.
Would ignorant be the better way to describe those people?
Perhaps my big fat lip got in the way today, but I did not regret expressing my opinions.  I do, however, feel a little sad that my opinion of Mary has now been somewhat altered.

I got an award for having the “Highest Individual Game” of a 204.  Our team got an award for having the “Highest Team Game”.   Not bad for a two woman team.

That 204 was an anomaly.


  1. I am also very low key. This is the exact terminology I'd use to describe myself if asked. I am not extremely quite, but I'd say I am reserved. I have opinions about the things you were talking about with Mary, but I am not passionate enough about it to debate it. I would probably just have kept quiet. I know that probably makes me a weakling in some people's eyes, but that's just me. I also know it's just not a good subject to discuss among a group. It can be very polarizing.

    About your bowling, WOW, a 204, that's great! Wish I could do that.

    1. I don’t like confrontation. Please, you are not a weakling. I completely understand how you feel. I agree, a group setting, particularly that kind of event, was not the place, but I couldn’t let this one go. Don’t ask me why. I think I just blurted out what I was thinking.
      I’m not sure how I managed that 204. You know it was one of those times when I couldn’t miss. Doesn’t happen often.

  2. I once scratched myself in my sleep. Well, not exactly in my sleep, but when I was just waking. Bad enough to draw blood. So, it happens.

    Your conversation with Mary reminds me of the theory of scientific revolutions. The book was by Thomas S. Kuhn. Basically, he says that before any new theory can be completely embraced, the old guard who defended the old theory have to die out. (Well, there's more to it than that, but only this is germane to my comment.)

    Not that I'm wishing Mary ill. It's just that I don't think anyone is going to change her mind.

    1. I’m not sure that type of thinking will ever die out. I feel people will always be wary of others who are not like themselves. But, you are right. I realized after my conversation with Mary, there was no changing her mind!

  3. I laughed at your lip. Sorry.
    I'm impressed that you spoke your mind.
    I bowl about an 80. Bowled. I'm sorry, but I despise the sport. So frustrating

    1. That’s okay, Ross laughed at my lip too.
      I did have mixed feelings about my convo with Mary. Something about her being 92 and a recent widow. You know that saying, “pick on someone your own age…or size, or well, whatever”, you know. That was the regret I felt afterwards.
      When my team mate asked me if I was going to come back to bowl in the fall I told her I would have to think about it because I really didn’t like to bowl. In fact I kind of hate it also. But I felt bad leaving her because, as I said, basically it’s just the two of us, so I told her I would come back.

  4. Ouch with the lip! You probably could never repeat the injury if you tried (or wanted to); just one of those freaky things I guess. I think 204 is a great score, anomaly or not!

    I think you summed it up well about Mary and the generation she came from. Hubby's parents were the same way as far as their prejudices. I think it was just something passed down to them that they even sometimes really didn't listen to what they were saying, but were just saying "rote" with what was told to them over and over again in their up bringing. I do admire Mary though for at least continuing to live at 92 years old, get out there and bowl, and try to carry on as a widow at her age. Not sure many could pull that off.

    I'm not sure if I could have kept my mouth closed either. I learned to keep my mouth closed around my in laws because honesty I didn't like the confrontation that happened afterwards from them and my husband not coming to my defense. I tend to like to avoid confrontations, but not if there is something I'm passionate about.


    1. I do wonder where the prejudice comes from. Is it something that is passed down? Is it an experience that the person may have had? Or perhaps it is just the fact that they didn’t have the desire or perhaps opportunity to get to know people who were different from themselves on an individual basis.

  5. I think you should have also won the "Highest Moral Courage" award. Proud of you, Mom. I do think it is the generation. I remember many similar conversations I had with my Grandpop Kady. He never wanted his opinions to be confused with any facts. Still loved him dearly and I think that is perhaps why I continued to engage with him about those tough topics. Hope your lip is feeling better. I've definitely done things like that before myself.

    1. Thanks Anne. I know that kind of thinking existed in members of my family too. I remember as a young girl having, shall we say, lively discussions with a few of my aunts and uncles.
      The lip is taking its time healing. Just silly and annoying. :)

  6. I would NEVER consider myself quiet or reserved. I am almost always one who will speak my mind and stick my foot in my mouth. But I have very strong feelings about what Mary said. First of all, with the exception of the comments about black people, I tend to agree with her. There are so many young people who are in 'the system' now that it does nothing more than piss me off. And there are tons and tons and tons of unwed mothers of all colors. It seems like they just don't get married anymore. And I can tell you from my experience of working in two nursing homes where there were a huge number of young ladies working that many of them were receiving some kind of assistance. And they taught each other how to get the most from the State! Even though most of them were working and making more than $10.00 an hour. Many of them qualified for WIC...they took as much as they could get for free and if they didn't want it they brought it to the home and sold it cheap. Then they had cash for their cigarettes, fake fingernails, tattoos and cell phones. Yep, I might feel just like Mary...except none of the girls that I worked with were black. They were all WHITE. The system sucks and it is taken advantage of every single day and no one is doing a thing about it. Another nurse and myself called the SRS (welfare) office and we were told that they are aware of this kind of abuse going on but they don't have the funds to go out and investigate it.....Sorry for this being so long. But there are always two sides to why people feel the way they do. Hope your lip is better.

    1. Paula, I appreciate your passionate response and for giving me a different perspective on the issue.
      With the experiences you personally had, I understand why you feel the way you do. I wonder, though, if there are an equal number of people who actually need the help and try to get off the “system” as there are who take advantage of it. You were right to call the SRS. Their response was certainly interesting and infuriating.
      Won’t we all at some point or another be assisted by our government? Social Security, Medicare, unemployment, disability?
      As you realized, what loosened my tongue with Mary were the racially biased comments.

  7. I'm sure thousands of people have punched themselves in the lip as you did. The vast majority are surely too embarrassed to mention it, so you have done humanity a service by admitting to this common mishap. Maybe more people who have accidentally punched themselves will now come out of the closet.

    1. Yes, it’s true, I was hoping for an inspirational reaction to my confession. I can already hear the sound of self lip punchers around the world uniting.