Have Great Sex… Even When You Don't Have an Orgasm

Sometimes, the journey is the reward. How to have great sex, even without a big O

Donna Trope

Orgasms are elusive. Most women don't have one every time (or maybe even most times) they hit the sheets. Plenty of surveys—and likely your own bedroom experience—verify that. But that doesn't mean sex without the grand finale is an exercise in futility. Far from it.

In fact, on the occasions when you know you're just not going to climax or when you're just not motivated enough to strive for it, there are ways to simply enjoy the valleys without hitting the peak. Lots of women are discovering that it's smart to appreciate sex for more than just the last 10 seconds. So go ahead, don't get off—and love every minute of it.

Why Orgasms Go MIA
"For me to have an orgasm, I have to be feeling it before foreplay even starts," says Jamie*, 27, a newlywed in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. "I have to put in a lot of effort, and the stars have to align. But I feel satisfied knowing that my husband is satisfied every time." It's a situation that many women can relate to, and one backed by stats. According to research, women in relationships orgasm about 80 percent as often as men in relationships (for women in casual hookup situations, it's closer to 50 percent as often).

Researchers have coined this discrepancy "the orgasm gap" and have determined a few key factors for its existence. You probably don't need science to tell you that climaxing is tougher without clitoral stimulation, but you may not realize that overstimulation or the wrong kind of stimulation of your central nervous system, which controls sexual excitement and inhibition, is an orgasm killer. Stress or a poorly timed "Wait, why is the cat staring at us like that?" observation is all it takes to cause overstimulation—at least for women. (And speaking of stress: "Worrying about whether or not an orgasm will happen can activate your stress response, which can make you feel less turned on," says Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., a sex educator in Massachusetts.) Guys were blessed with evolution-aided blinders that make the cat (or annoying e-mail pings, a weird humming sound, whatever) nonfactors in the moment. "Men had to orgasm for the good of the species," says Laura Berman, Ph.D., author of The Passion Prescription. "That means their brains are primed to tune out all distractions. Women's aren't." (How come evolution is never on our side?)

How to Enjoy the Ride
What isn't reflected in these stats is the enjoyment some women derive just from the experience of having intercourse. "I rarely orgasm, and I don't care," says Jenna, 29, who is single in New York City. "I'm on anti-anxiety medication, and while it has definitely affected my ability to climax, it hasn't affected how much I enjoy sex."

That's not to say you should actively deny yourself an orgasm—that would be like stifling a sneeze, but worse—and if you've never had one and you want to have one, that's something you should discuss with your partner, says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., author of Because It Feels Good.

But putting mid-act pressure on yourself every time could mean that you're missing out on pleasure in the moment. "Research shows that women can climb between sexual-desire stages, from excitement to plateau to orgasm, then back to excitement," says Berman. Focus too much on the end point and you'll end up brushing past the pleasing plateau. (Although it may sound flat, the plateau is actually when arousal is at its peak and your body is savoring your partner's touch the most—a pretty sweet place to linger.)

Play Close to the Edge
The key to a no-gasm experience that's anything but "eh" is to amp up your arousal early and stay there as long as possible. You'll know when you're there by the text test: If your phone buzzed, you'd be more annoyed by the interruption than curious who it was, says Stephen Snyder, M.D., an associate clinical professor of psychiatry at Mount Sinai School of Medicine. Heed these tips to enter a heightened state.

Don't get undressed. Leaving your clothes on helps take the focus off orgasm and keep it on foreplay. Get to maximum arousal by straddling his leg and grinding your pubic bone against his thigh as you make out, says sex educator Emily Morse, author of Hot Sex: Over 200 Things You Can Try Tonight. The pressure directly stimulates your clitoris while giving you total control of the rhythm.

Hit the shower. Getting wet and sudsy helps you find erogenous zones you may not have realized you had. Ask your guy to rub down your back and shoulders with a sponge, then have him switch to his bare hands as he moves to your breasts and works his way lower. "The different sensations of the water and the body wash, plus the anticipation of his hands on your skin after the sponge, will all add to your pleasure," says Morse.

Show off. "Part of a woman's pleasure during sex comes from feeling desired," says Snyder. Climb on top of him, lean over the bathroom counter as he enters you from behind, or put on a solo show and touch yourself: Watching him watch you provides an awesome view of how much he wants you.

Rewind. . .and ratchet up. If he has already climaxed, go back to the stuff you love during foreplay, only take it up a notch by adding a toy or playing with hot and cold sensations by having him use ice or warming lube as he touches you. "When you're turned on, your brain is open to new experiences, so situations that might have made you self-conscious when you weren't aroused can be extremely sexy," says Nagoski. If you start getting restless, or if the friction begins to veer more toward "ouch" than "OMG," have him give you a back rub or massage to transition toward ending the action so you don't feel like you stopped abruptly.

Expose yourself. Have sex with the windows open or get it on in the backyard under a blanket. The novelty can make it hard to concentrate on the climax. . .but that's because your brain is paying attention to the we-could-be-caught-at-any-moment thrill, which adds intensity to the encounter, says Morse.

Stop Faking It!
Ironically, it's guys who might end up most frustrated by your no-gasm. Eighty-seven percent of the Men's Health readers who answered our survey felt it was their responsibility to bring their partner to orgasm, and 34 percent automatically assumed that if it didn't happen, the sex was bad.

But don't brush up on your Oscar-worthy Orgasm face just yet. Every single sexologist we asked (three men and four women) were adamantly against faking it. "There's already a lot of confusion about sexual functioning and response between the sexes without adding deceit," says Richard Wagner, Ph.D., a Seattle-based sexologist. And guys agreed—in the poll, 68 percent didn't want you to fake it. Instead, stroke his ego with these phrases:

*Names have been changed.

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