Monday, February 11, 2013

Ten Popes Named To The Hall of Bad Dudes

The Vatican is a pretty shady place. History confirms at one time or another the Vatican has been used as a brothel, a drug den, a rape and torture dungeon, the scene for Satanic rituals, and other atrocities too revolting for the delicate sensibilities of this August assembly. More depraved, diseased psychopaths have passed through the Vatican than the Baltimore Ravens locker room. So, to choose one worst Pope is a task better left to more divine intellects than mine. I'm sure they'll all get their day in court. The history of Popes started out quite ugly when one of the first Popes...

1) Sixtus III (432-440). Seduced a nun, and was put on trial, but saved his bacon by quoting the most classic scripture of scumbags, "Let ye who are without sin cast the first stone." Everyone there apparently knew what he meant because they let him go back to plowing through the nuns like a rabid French Bulldog on Viagra. But we're just getting warmed up. Sixtus III was a beginner compared to some of the Vatican's later occupants. If you want to make this list you got to do better than raping a few nuns. How about instituting a policy of torture that was used to inflict more pain in more cruel and sadistic ways than almost anyone else who ever lived. I got the Pope for you...

2) Innocent IV (1243-1254). The Inquistion, what a show
The Inquistion, here we go/We know you're wishing
That we'd go away
But the Inquistion's here and it's here to stay 
Most famous victim of The Inquisition: Galileo for his heretical belief that the Earth revolves around the sun. The dude who started it all. 

3) Pope John XII (955-964). You like-a  da rape of your virgin daughter you sent on a pilgrimage to the most holy of holies? You like a Pope with enough of a sense of humor to invoke the name of Satan to help him with rolling the dice? You like a Pope who gets beat to death Sam Cook style by a jealous husband? Boy have I got just the Pope for you.

4) Alexander VI (1492-1503) Hey, if you got a swell crib like The Vatican, why not throw a bunch of orgies, invite every Euro trash piece of filth, and party like it's 1999? Sure, the Papacy had been secularized and pimped out to the highest bidder at this point, but is it too much to ask to not use the Holy Grail as a bong? This guy banged his own daughter there in the Vatican. Naked little boys jumping out of cakes... hey, it's still early in the evening. This Vatican thing is way too sweet to use as permanent housing for a bunch of stick-in-the-muds. All a small price to pay for his support of Michelangelo

5) Pius XII (1939-1958). First of all, this guy just looks like a cocksucker. Secondly, if you look at the years when he was Pope you know WHAT he did, or didn't do. I imagine the call went like this "Genocide?" "Well, normally WE do that, but be my guest. Good luck breaking our record." "I feel confident." "I'm sure you do, Adie. Let me know if I can help in any way. I got a sweet tax-free setup here." 

6) Sergius III (904-911). 911 is about right on this guy, because he was a disaster. Even his cardinals referred to him as "the slave of every vice." Seems to be a pattern, doesn't it? He had a son with his teenage prostitute mistress, who was thirty years younger than him, and guess what, the little bastard also became Pope. This was the beginning of the church's "dark century." How they chose one over any other is a mystery, but apparently even they thought this shit was getting a little bananas. 

7) John XII (955-964). Just sixteen when he was crowned, coronated, or whatever one does to name a Pope, this dude had all the pep he needed to bed not only his sisters but everyone else around. I mean, what the fuck kind of moron bin have you dickheads been running all these years, and why aren't the rest of us killing you? I guess this would have been during what even the church considered their "dark century." You'll be happy to know this twat also got Sam Cooked and had his skull crushed by a real man. I feel nauseous even writing about this Catholic garbage. How do you people stand yourselves, being responsible for so much of history's evil and suffering, and simultaneously being responsible for suppressing anyone who tried to lift humanity out of the misery you had caused? On with the show...

8) Leo X (1513-1521). Is it just me, or do a lot of these dingbats look like John Lovitz? This dingbat did what was almost impossible: he bankrupted the church. To his credit, he had a good excuse: there was a helluva lot of good art out there, and he wanted it. He had a good solution to the problem. Sell papal indulgences to any sinner who had enough money and wanted to buy their way into Heaven. I'm pretty sure that's what God intended. Fortunately, there was at least one man of principle around, Martin Luther, so this dickhead inadvertently spurred a lot of good art to be preserved and led to the Protestant Reformation. I'm not sure there are any Baptists out there willing to thank him, but most of them can't read anyway.

9) Boniface VIII (1294-1303). After massacring the entire population in the Italian town of Palestrina, Boniface VIII (1294-1303) indulged in ménages with a married woman and her daughter and became renowned through Rome as a shameless pedophile. He famously declared that having sex with young boys was no more a sin than rubbing one hand against the other — which should make him the patron saint of Boston priests today. The poet Dante reserved a place for him in the eighth circle of Hell. Well, before I go vomit, we have one last pope on a rope to chronicle here in the Hall of Bad Dudes. It's sad but true to say I don't have to stop here. I want to stop here. 

10) Sixtus IV (1471-1484). Decamping back to Rome, the papacy hit its true low point in the Renaissance. (Church historian Eamon Duffy compares Rome to Nixon’s Washington, “a city of expense-account whores and political graft.”) Sixtus IV, who funded the Sistine Chapel, had six illegitimate sons — one with his sister. He collected a Church tax on prostitutes and charged priests for keeping mistresses, but critics argued that this merely increased the prevalence of clerical homosexuality.

There you have it, my fine feathered fiends. Feel good about yourselves today, because unless you have a prodigious appetite for villainy, and some fine digs with a history of evil second to none like The Vatican, your sins this day will appear rather mild when you meet your non-existent gods to explain them. Welcome to The Hall of Bad Dudes ten of the worst popes of all time.

The Hall of Bad Dudes


  1. This site makes people dumber.

  2. Not sure if anything I read here made me dumber, but maybe the previous commenter wasn't working with much to begin with.