Toasted sourdough bread topped with chopped tomatoes, artichoke hearts olives, grated Parmesan cheese and torn basil.
Trash toast. (Picture: Getty)

I know there’s a lot of big stuff going on in the world right now.

The U.S. election. Looming/maybe not looming Brexit. Our overwhelming dependence on technology and our inability to form human connections.

But that’s all just a giant distraction from the real issue at hand.

The real issue at hand being – of course – f***ing sourdough bread.

Sourdough bread is a perfectly acceptable type of carbohydrate. In theory, I should love it. I love bread of all types. Sourdough bread is apparently easier to digest, which is nice.

(Picture: Getty)

But sadly, sourdough bread is guilty of a heinous crime: ruining brunch, and thus destroying the very fabric of our society.

If you go out for a nice breakfast or brunch and peruse the menu, you’ll be greeted by a truly horrifying sight.

Lines and lines of food items atop sourdough bread.


Once upon a time, we used to have options. We used to be able to take our pick from white, granary, perhaps an English muffin if the particular establishment was feeling fancy.

(Picture: Ellen C Scott/
There are too many leaves on these eggs, but they’re on nice brown bread, so it’s okay. (Picture: Ellen C Scott/

Now, there is only one option on the menu. You must order something on top of sourdough, and you must damn well like it.

The issue with this is obvious.

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When untoasted, sourdough is an enjoyably soft bread with a harder crust. It’s ideal for being torn apart and covered with butter, or dipped in fondue.

Sourdough is not designed to be eaten with a knife and fork. It does not slice easily. It tears, leaving you desperately trying to pull apart your bread with feeble utensils when clearly, the best option is to rip it with your hands.

When toasted, this problem only becomes worse.

Jam on toast
Wrong. (Picture: Getty)

And sadly, the majority of sourdough options on brunch menu feature toasted sourdough with something messy on top, meaning it’s entirely necessary to eat it on a plate with a knife and fork.

Picture this.

You sit in a restaurant, trying to look like a grownup capable of going out for a nice mid-morning meal. You order poached eggs on toast. Your meal arrives. It is eggs on top of sourdough toast.


You pick up your knife and fork and try to cut into your meal, breaking the yolk and attempting to cut off a bite-size piece of toast.

(Picture: Getty)

But the sourdough bread will not be so easily cut. The bread will not yield to your will.

You find yourself becoming more and more agitated, desperately trying to use your knife and fork to inelegantly tear your bread instead. It’s humiliating. You look like you don’t know how to use cutlery. You are no grownup.

Everything is awful and brunch is ruined.

See? Sourdough is evil and intent on destroying everything you hold dear.*

*Your eggs on toast and your self respect.

(Picture: Getty)

You shouldn’t think you’re safe from sourdough’s wrath if you go for something handheld, by the way.

Sourdough also makes an absolutely awful toastie, soaking up all oil and moisture then letting it loose around your hands and mouth. It lacks the structural integrity needed to form an adequate sandwich. Put anything on sourdough and you risk some of it falling through the holes.

Sourdough will always let you down. It is not to be trusted.

So why must restaurants keep putting everything on sourdough, just because it’s the bread of the moment?

Why are we all letting sourdough continue its reign as the trendiest toast on the block, overwhelming every menu at everywhere serving breakfast?

Sliced sourdough bread on a chopping board and kitchen worktop with a bread knife
(Picture: Getty)

Brunch spots, I urge you. Think of the customers. Think of the other breads, left to rot in the bread bin as you snub them for the tougher, more hipster-friendly model.


Please, give granary bread a chance. Try rye, soda, or even an English muffin. Or just, you know, give people the option of choosing from a range of bread, instead of forcing them to face the battle of knife versus sourdough.

The tyranny of sourdough bread needs to end.

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