The Daily Mail reader’s guide to Extinction Rebellion

ARE you a Daily Mail reader? Is your hatred of Extinction Rebellion furious, irrational and entirely uninformed?

The Guardian reader's ways to blame environmental problems on other people

THE natural world is going to hell, but it can’t be your fault because you read the Guardian. Here are seven ways to blame everyone else.

Greta Thunberg busted after teacher sees her on TV

TEENAGE climate activist Greta Thunberg is in deep shit after a teacher spotted her on television when she should have been in third-period maths.

Kids doing 'forest school' actually just no-deal preparation, admits government

THE government has admitted that otherwise inexplicable ‘forest school’ sessions in primary schools are preparation for hard Brexit.

Please, for the love of god, take these courgettes, plead vegetable gardeners

VEGETABLE gardeners are pleading with Britain to please, for the love of sweet Jesus Christ on a bike, take some of these courgettes.

Bag for life mainly used to store other bags for life

A BAG for life is largely being used to hold all the other bags that do not get taken to the supermarket, its owner has confirmed.

Man refuses to accept it is too cold for shorts

A MAN who has insisted on wearing shorts for every day of his UK holiday is refusing to concede that he is cold.

Environmentalist too self-important to worry about Brexit

A MAN refuses to waste his time thinking about Brexit because intelligent people like him are more concerned with saving the planet.

The Earth: is it flat or round? An unbiased BBC report

THE BBC is always at pains to present both sides of an argument. Here news editor Nathan Muir discusses the ongoing ‘round or flat Earth’ debate. 

The poncey Londoner's guide to the hot weather

BEING too hot in London is trendier and more cultural than in the regions. Here new media developer Nathan Muir explains what you should do.

How to reduce your plastic use while being a smug b*stard about it

DO you want to use less plastic while making sure everyone knows what a thoughtful, eco-conscious and incredibly smug person you are? Here’s how.

Ocado drivers more effective at blocking roads than Extinction Rebellion

CLIMATE activists trying to paralyse cities by blocking roads and causing traffic jams could learn a lot from Ocado delivery drivers, it has emerged.