December 9, 2012

Reality Rundown: Soul Sucking Dementor

The Amazing RaceSurvivor: Philippines

The Amazing Race - Mallorca, Spain is this week's destination and while teams are able to get different flights easily, the ferry ends up being an equalizer (yawn). And so the twinnies, dumb couple, and Chippendales just party on the beach until they learn who team #4 is: Josh and Brent. A sigh of relief is had since Chippendales screwed over Abbie/Ryan. What's annoying is an equalizer means a shitty team like Josh and Brent might make the finale, eventhough they've failed multiple times.

Anyways, to get the next clue they need to find a devil amongst a bunch of demons swinging fire (the demons are probably the ones that haunt this show and refuse it to improve). The next clue is a Roadblock is to return 20 tennis balls in bounds from one of those tennis shooter machine thingies. Trey rocks it and the Chippendales think it's the Andre Agassi style headband. The twinnies end up behind their 1-2-3 alliance because they can't drive stick. Josh and Brent can read a map and drive stick, so it helps get them build up a lead... until Josh sucks at tennis and blames his bad ankle. The twinnies are able to catch up to them, narrowing the lead.

The next clue lays deep in a badass cave full of stalagmites/stalactites and it's s Detour. The choice this week is to repair a windmill or become a bull in a bullfight arena and send a fake matador in the air. I can't imagine a better option than pretending to gore a human being, so I'd definitely choose matador. Everyone except for Trey and Lexi do the windmill, and it gives Chippendales time to wax fondly on their sexy construction worker costumes of their real jobs. In the midst of pretending to be a bull, Lexi cuts her finger and begins cryyyyying. But it's short lived and they finish the task which isn't as cool as I'd dreamed.  The twins and Beekman are pretty much tied, but the Beekmans are farmers so repairing a windmill is more in their wheelhouse than the two loud, annoying sisters.

Trey and Lexi are team #1, checking in with Phil and a headless dude in a suit (with a woman's voice), and win a trip to Riveira Maya, Mexico.  Chippendales are team #2 and I'm relieved because they are the only team I have liked all season and I truly hope they win.  The farm lifestyle helps Josh and Brent earn third place this week, which means the twinnies are the last to check in.   But, as usual, the penultimate episode before the finale is a non-elimination and we head into a two hour finale (eyeroll) with four teams.

Survivor: Philippines - Abi approaches Carter to talk about them not being part of the four, so Abi keeps up the immunity idol ruse. Lisa has another betraying that trust dilemma when she thinks hard about Penner's point that Malcolm and Denise would absolutely win this game.

Probst convenes everyone for the reward challenge, where survivors get paired with a loved one. Everyone loses their shit, though Skupin's is best since he just yells "OH MY GOD" over and over. The challenge is to toss muddy bags to their loved ones to knock down targets. The winning survivor and their loved one gets to spend the night at camp which is allegedly a reward but considering camp sucks, sounds like punishment. Turns out being shitty at challenges is genetic and Abi and her mom are the worse. In a very close challenge, Malcolm and his brother Miles win and also pick Lisa's brother and Skupin's son to return to camp with them.

The tribe returns to camp with the family members in tow, all muddied up and needing an ocean bath. But on Survivor you don't sit around doing nothing (unless you're Abi) and the family members help around camp for the full experience. Lisa and her brother shoot the shit in the ocean, yapping about her overly loyal nature because that is ALL she talks about. Like father, like son, Skupin's son gets all cut up from a coconut tree. Skupin, Lisa and their family members talk about Malcolm's idol and maybe they could take him out this week. Lisa is apprehensive because, say it all together, she gave him her word! Lisa has an epiphany thanks to her brother that she's allowed to blindside Malcolm and play the gam. However, in an amazing bit of hilarity they say if Jesus played Survivor he'd probably look like Malcolm and play like Carter. BRILLIANT.

The families leave and it's time for another do-or-die immunity challenge. This week's challenge is to race across balance beams over the water, retrieve bags of sticks from the water, use the sticks to make a pole to poke a button to drop a flag. Whoa, run-on sentence! Abi is way behind the others and half-assing it, aggravating Probst to no end. After all the blindside Malcolm talk he wins immunity, per the words of the Survivor gods. Yahoo, I'm one step closer to a winner prediction!

Malcolm is ridiculously excited to be safe for two weeks because he won individual immunity today and has his idol to play next week. Lisa and Skupin talk about god's plan or something and the choice is between Abi or Carter. No one wants to get rid of Carter but for what he lacks in gameplay or brains, he makes up for in challenges. Carter hopes they don't take along a total turd like Abi farther than him. Talk around the fire turns to who voted for who in the past and after Denise requests a subject change, Abi claims she's playing her immunity idol tonight (which doesn't exist). Malcolm compares Abi to a Harry Potter soul sucking dementor, which is so true. And so Abi treks deep into the woods to retrieve her fake idol. Fake it til you make it!

Tribal time! Moral vs. strategy? Tis the dilemma between keeping challenge hound Carter and plague upon camp Abi. The alliance of four is quite open about their deal. Carter isn't surprise and just hopes they'll take someone who deserves it over someone they can beat. Abi tells Probst she found the fourth hidden immunity idol and no one really buys it. Everyone votes, no immunity idol is played, and Carter is eliminated because eventhough Abi sucks Carter is good at challenges.