Donald Trump's week of calm, rational behavior continues.

Just kidding, we think he just broke his own landspeed record for saying dumbass things. In the space of 97 seconds on the White House lawn, on his way to We Don't Fucking Care Where, Trump did the following:

1. Waddled in reporters' general direction saying "NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION," because we guess that's just what he says now. Does he do it when he's all by himself? Maybe. Does he do it to remind himself of his line, because his brain is so broken he still forgets it, even though it's two whole words and he says it 40,000 times a day? Also maybe.

2. Expressed confusion over the existence of Robert Mueller, saying "man gets appointed by a deputy, he writes a report, never figured that one out."

3. Bragged about his historic election, the one where he barely squeaked by in the Electoral College, while losing the popular vote by almost three million sane human votes.

4. Got confused again about existence of Robert Mueller, because Robert Mueller did not have a historic election like he did. Nobody even voted for Robert Mueller!

5. Showed reporters a visual aid of "Middle East," to prove how he murdered ISIS. You see, the red parts used to be ISIS, but now there is just a red dot right here. SEE IT RIGHT HERE? Says troops are going to take out that red dot tonight. Hey, remember how Trump used to go on and on on the campaign trail about how Obama was a pussy because he always gave advance warnings when he was going to bomb stuff, because Trump is an idiot who doesn't understand that sometimes you might give advance warning so as to reduce civilian casualties, to cite one example? The point is that Trump totally Geraldo-ed some American troop movements. (Allegedly. He literally may have no fucking clue what the troops are doing tonight, because he doesn't pay attention during briefings.) This is not the first time he has done this. Or the second. Or the ...


As to Trump's yammering about no collusion, SEE A NEUROLOGIST.

As to his confusion about the unelected Mueller, SEE A NEUROLOGIST, and also he's said this before, most recently around November, when he was just very confused how Mueller gets to investigate him, when Mueller wasn't even confirmed by the Senate. (Because Trump is an absolute moron and has no fucking clue how anything works.) And now he's upset that nobody voted for Robert Mueller. (Because Trump is an absolute moron and has no fucking clue how anything works.) This, despite how Trump incorrectly thinks his "election" was "historic" in any other way besides how it was officially the first Russian election ever held on US soil. (Because Trump is an absolute moron and has no fucking clue how anything works. Also a foreign agent.)

As to Trump Geraldo-ing the (alleged) troop movements (that he maybe just made up), PLEASE SEE A NEUROLOGIST, JESUS CHRIST, and also do you need a closer up pic of that, just so you can see exactly where the red dot is that Trump says (grain of salt, please, as the president is full of shit) he is going to make go boom tonight?

Now, do you need a version of that pic that shows you what Trump is really thinking, probably allegedly?

The 97 seconds above was not the entire press spray, of course. He also bitched about George Conway, and expressed some more confusion about HOW ROBERT MUELLER EXIST, adding that his followers are also very confused about it. Jennifer Rubin had the best, simplest response to that:

Pretty much.

Just another day in being held hostage to the tertiary syphilis gremlins who live in Donald Trump's brain. (Allegedly.)



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Evan Hurst


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