Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Secret Agent #41

GENRE: YA Contemporary Romance

I’d learned to be a butterfly. Never landing for too long, always on the move. They couldn’t get to know the real you if you weren’t there long. They couldn’t reject the real you if you never showed it to them.

This is my motto, my mantra. But it kind of went out the window at freshman soccer try outs when Queen Bee Natalie asked me to join her group of popular elites. Always being unnoticed and never measuring up had me overlooking her motives and jumping at the chance. Little did I know I’d be catering to her and becoming a fake version of myself to maintain that spot.

I’d always envied her ragtag clan of rich social climbers. My best friend Luke is a part of the group, but I couldn’t get in without Natalie’s say so. Now I was one of them, popular—minus the rich part—and I liked that feeling, even with the catering bit.

I look down the field at my team of girls facing off against the team of boys in our second annual competitive game before the start of school. This is my first time participating in this particular friendship ritual. My teammates and I exchange a smirk; the boys are going down. We’re in constant competition of who plays better soccer, even though most of the boys are already on the Varsity team. Fingers are crossed for us making it this year.


  1. I really loved that opening paragraph! It made me sympathize with your character immediately.
    I felt like from there it jumped a bit into telling instead of showing. Maybe you could show us how it happened, instead. Or maybe just weave all this backstory (joining the socialites, feeling jealous in the past) into a more active scene. Start with the action (the tryouts) and weave all of that important info through. (:

  2. I agree with Mary. TOTALLY love the first paragraph, but I definitely want a scene set, some action, and some more immediate emotions. The Natalie comments and background could be woven in as the MC's looking over to her before the game starts/as the game goes? And I like her spunk! "the boys are going down" as a freshman I want to know why she feels so confident if she's also always felt like she never measured up before Natalie asked her to join. Was it Natalie's request that boosted her confidence? I want a clear idea of why the MC feels the way she feels with the current situation.

  3. The first line is awesome. I love the metaphor of the butterfly flitting around. Maybe jump right to that action bit of the game and sprinkle in the backstory that's in the second and third paragraphs. Let us meet Queen Bee Natalie and Luke through dialogue and action in the next few pages. Love the sports theme! I'd love to read more!

  4. I agree with the other comments. I think there's so much room here to show your character in action. Maybe give us a snippet of dialogue between "Queen bee Natalie" How does she treat your character? Maybe she insults her, and your MC has to "shrug it off" or laugh along with it to keep her position. Also why not start straight in the middle of the game? Have your MC driving the soccer ball down the field. Showing off her skills ;-) Great beginning though and definitely gives me a perfect YA tone!!

  5. Glad to see a girl in a sports story. We need more of these! I also really enjoy the metaphor. I think starting in a game in the middle of the action would work well here and then give us the backstory a bit later. I think the YA voice is nicely done.

  6. That opening paragraph is so beautiful, it pulled me in straight away. If possible, I would love to see some action in this opening, maybe focused on the soccer? then the backstory could unfold throughout the first chapter, with her conflicted over wanting to be in with this group, to hating herself for what she's becoming? This conflict is so interesting, it would play out so well over a few pages. Great start!

  7. I thought this opening was contradictory. She starts out telling us she's like a butterfly, flitting about, never settling, so no one gets to see the real her. If this is her motto and mantra, why is she suddenly jumping at the chance to be Natalie's friend? Is she an unreliable narrator? Is her mantra simply a lie she tells herself, to make her feel better about who she is? Why does she allow herself to ger close to Natalie when she doesn't want people to know who she really is? What's her motivation? Perhaps it would work better if we see how this comes about?

    I also agree with starting with an action scene. Whether it's the soccer game, or the scene where Natalie invites her to hang out with her group (this would be my choice) doesn't really matter, but a showing scene would be much stronger than a page of explainations.

  8. I love this opening. the first line hooked me so hard! But my attention wanes a bit when you start to say, "Always being unnoticed..." I'd rather some dialogue here. Give me sone Queen Bee vs the MC, get me on the field, set the scene. I know you can, because I can tell you know your characters well. So get them on the page so I can know them, too! I am so interested in the rest of this!

  9. I loved the butterfly line as well. It is the strongest part. Sports story for girls (and boys) are always welcome in the space. Dialog could push this along right away. Good luck!

  10. Like the others, I adore the opening paragraph. It immediately tugs at the heartstrings and has me wanting to hug her.

    In the second paragraph maybe 'Little did I know' could be deleted because the MC can't know the future unless it's a flashback which I don't believe this is the case.

    Overall, I love a good female drama story, and I'd read on. Good luck!

  11. The opening paragraph is solid! Very poetic, and also relatable, which helps me connect to the main character in just a handful of sentences.

    I'm wondering what the main character did to get Natalie's attention/favor? Is it a soccer thing?

    I love the idea of a bunch of girls battling members of the boy's soccer team in unofficial games. I'd love to see more of the game play out here.

    Great job!

  12. I'm not sure I'm in love with the sentence wording itself, but I do really like how you have a YA Contemporary Romance starting with a butterfly image because it's so symbolic of the readership in general. I can also appreciate the balance of vulnerability and self-preservation it brings.

    The symbolism does throw me a tad, though, when we get into the next paragraph. I wouldn't expect someone so introspective to fall so quickly (one paragraph later) into such a scheme. The transition reminds me a bit of Mean Girls, but that descent happens more slowly and we can see it happening but are also pulled along with her motivations. With this, we just see the before and the after and we are to accept that it was a natural transition or some sort. So, while the writing is good and I'm interested in what's happening, I think there may be a better place to start this manuscript.