Chapter Twenty-Three (A Bit of History)

Now you may be wondering how Phil and Paula met, what their wedding was like, things like that but you’re probably, nay definitely wondering why the hell Paula is with him. Don’t look away sheepishly because I’ve caught you out. Own up, be brave and let’s get on with it.

Phil wasn’t always like this.

He used to be a lot worse.

Many a time he used to come home from school battered and bruised. His fighting abilities were sadly no match for his cheekiness or ability to wind people up. He didn’t like being beaten up, or caned if his victim was a teacher but he considered it a worthwhile side effect.

‘What did you do this time?’ his Mum would exclaim seeing her little treasure with a new black eye.

‘Honestly Mum, you always think it’s my fault. I think you need to look inside yourself and see how you feel about blaming me automatically, maybe see a shrinker or something.’

‘It’s a shrink Philip, well a psychiatrist actually and…’

‘And what about you always correcting me? Do you think that’s normal behaviour when you know I have a superior intellect to yours by a ratio of 7 to 1? Really Mum….’

‘What, Happened. To. Your. Eye?’

‘Someone hit me.’

‘Why. Did. They. Hit. You?’

‘Well it wasn’t my fault.’

‘It never is….’

‘Exactly, I’m glad you agree.’

‘I was being sarcastic.’

‘Oh dear, that’s the lowest form of wit you know? In fact on the comedy scale it’s even rated lower than the pope doing a comedy monologue about the failings of people who don’t have children.’

‘Philip, I will give you a matching black eye if you don’t tell me NOW why someone hit you?’

‘Too late.’

‘What do you mean too late?’

‘Well that NOW has gone, we’ve moved on, can’t go back. If we’d had something capable of freezing time at the exact point you said NOW I might be able to help you out. As it is I’d like to help you out and do exactly as you asked but I can’t, I’m sorry. This has been a lovely chat but I need to go and plan a redesign for our local Tesco and tell them exactly where they can shove their tomato puree.’

Now, as a parent, a long-suffering parent no less, how would you respond to that?

Maybe you can understand why his Dad left the family home when Phil was only 12. He eventually met a lady who had eight children and he would tell anyone that listened that this was still easier than putting up with ‘that little bastard’.

That little bastard had long since bothered about contacting ‘the deserting dickhead’ and had simply taken things out on any man who dared to attempt to date his Mum.

One of those brave men had a daughter who wasn’t too keen on her Dad at the time. She rolled with laughter as Phil would question said Dad about his intentions and ask him whether he had any sexually transmitted diseases that he may pass on to his Mum. She loved his plans for the tomato puree even though she really didn’t care where the hell it was as her Dad bought it. She thought Phil was hilarious and that all this confrontation and being highly opinionated was just a fad…..that he would grow out of it.

Eight years later she married him…..thinking that all this confrontation and being highly opinionated was just a fad…..that he would he would grow out of it. Thankfully all these years later she loves him more than anything and accepts how he is. They don’t have many friends and her Mother-in-law only visits occasionally but they have two wonderful kids and they are actually very happy.

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About the author

Fresh from failing to be an actor, a singer and retaining a full head of hair Glyn is now attempting to be a photographer and a novelist. He has taken more pictures today than he has written words of his novel in the last six months. Some of them he regards as okay..

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