LNH: Burst Beetle Tweseveny #2: "1997: Factor Analysis and the Variable M!"

Drew Perron pwerdna at gmail.com
Thu Sep 20 20:26:47 PDT 2018

Winter! A small city park! On a bench sits a young girl - too young for the 
grief weighting her down, too young for the typhoon of desperate feelings 
wracking her soul!

In a burst of searing light, with the sound of a dial-up modem, a figure appears 
on the sidewalk! A figure in black armor with softly glowing amber accents, and 
a digital clock on her belt reading the impossible time of 19:97!

The figure raises her arms in the air - one to the left, and one over her head! 
"My name is Burst Beetle Tweseveny..." She brings her arms together in the air, 
then pulls them down, flexing and ready for action! "And on the squeal of this 
modem, I swear that I will bring pointless goofing-off back to the Net!"

"Uh... hi," says the girl, taken aback. "I'm A... I'm Carolyn. Pleased to meet 
you, I guess?"

"Greetings, Carolyn!" Tweseveny bounces forward, catching Carolyn's small, pale 
hand in hers. "And can you tell me - what *year* is it?"

Something in Carolyn wilts, but she gives an honest answer: "Nineteen ninety-seven."

Tweseveny whoops in triumph. "It worked! I've broken free of the shackles of the 
future - and come back to the glorious silliness of the past!"

Carolyn sighs, crossing her arms. "That's great for you," she says, voice flat 
and bitter. "I'm glad you're having so much silly fun."

"Oh!" Tweseveny turns. "A thousand pardons, ma'am, for it sounds like I've hit a 
sore spot."

"Heh." Carolyn shakes her head. "No. Well, yes. Just..." For a moment, she 
wrestles with a surge of terrible anger and guilt. "Time travel... My boyfriend, 
he..." She looks into her hands, and squeezes them like she's trying to grip 
something massive and unwieldy. "He got kidnapped by a time traveler... who was, 
like... him from the future? And now he's... sort of dead."

"Oh *oh!*" Burst Beetle Tweseveny reaches down. She pushes the little red gem 
below the clock face on her waist, and her armor dissolves, revealing a woman in 
her mid-thirties. "I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am." She pulls her phone out of 
her buckle, the clock face resetting to 00:00, and steps forward, arms open. 
"Would you appreciate a hug?"

"Um." Carolyn scoots an inch or two away from the older woman. "No thank you, 
but I *do* appreciate the offer. ...and the request for consent."

"Of course!" Tweseveny put her fist over her heart. "That's what a thoughtful 
hero does!"

Carolyn chuckled. "Have you ever met Easily-Discovered Man, perchance?"

"Ah, if only!" Tweseveny clasped her hands. "That level of glorious silliness... 
I hope to achieve it, one day!" She shook her head. "But enough of me!" She 
turned to Carolyn. "Do you have anyone to distract you from your grief, in this 
trying time?"

"Well, there's my teammates, I guess, but... I don't think any of them are 
particularly good at emotions. Most of us are pretty young, and those who aren't 
are... Weird."

"Then we have a chance to do what every teenage girl did, in the days before 
Amazon and urban redevelopment! We must go to--" Tweseveny pointed off into the 
distance. "The mall!"

Meet a strange lady on the street and go shopping with her to get over your 
grief? "Well," said Carolyn, "it's worth a try."

[Carolyn and Tweseveny entering the enormous mall, still in its prime and 
stocked bottom-to-top with Stuff!]
[Carolyn trying on an outfit, and Tweseveny oohing and applauding!]
[Tweseveny getting her oversized belt buckle on over her outfit, and Carolyn 
[Tweseveny pulling out empty pockets, and Carolyn paying but also being 
impressed that she has pockets on her skirt!]
[The two of them playing light-gun games in the arcade!]
[The two of them being chased by a stampede of elephants through the mezzanine!]
[And finally, the two of them sitting down in the neon-lit food court with trays 
full of Chinese food and pizza!]

Carolyn laughed, nibbling on a thick slice with extra cheese and General Tso's 
chicken. "I didn't expect you to make the elephant *sneeze*."

Tweseveny laughed. "Well, neither did I! You don't expect an elephant to be 
allergic, especially to lavender."

Carolyn sighed and relaxed. "Mmmm... this is nice, but didn't you have something 
more important to do? When you appeared, you seemed, ah... dramatic."

Tweseveny shook her head. "Nope! To be honest, this is my first mission!"

"This is a... mission?" Carolyn raised her eyebrow.

Tweseveny leapt to her feet. "The voice that spoke to me through the modem's 
warbling static... it told me that I no longer had to work in the dreadful 
corporate grind... it told me I could work by playing..." She raised her fist, 
looking off into the distance. "And bring unseriousness to this oh-so-serious 

Carolyn revises her level of suspected crazy upward a bit. Still... "I guess 
some unseriousness was just what I needed."

"Disagreed! What you need is to PERISH!"

Carolyn reflexively kicks off the table-- just before an elegant mahogany 
grandfather clock, hands set to 7:20, smashes into it! She tumbles to the floor, 
but gets halfway to her feet - before freezing in shock!

Before her is a man in dirty brown robes, a red-on-brown brooch of a clock set 
to 7:20 pinning them together. Above his head, dark forces curl, an enormous 
clock face sliding out of a rift in spacetime! His hair is long, messy and gray, 
and his face is worn into a sneer by years of cruelty - but for all that, it is 
a face Carolyn recognizes!

"Terrence-- it can't be!"

"Oh, but it is!" the man snarls, grinning in empty glee. "Whining about how your 
little boyfriend got taken away by his big bad future self? How about a nice 
little reunion-- with THE TIME CRAPPER!"

"THAT'S A TERRIBLE NAME!" And right across the Time Crapper's cruelty-worn face 
strikes the armored fist of the transformed and ready-to-go Burst Beetle 
Tweseveny! "Take it from me, the woman with a name that's like someone started 
making a pun and gave up halfway! In the name of terrible names, I'm gonna kick 
your ass!"

"Oh REALLY!" Right across Burst Beetle Tweseveny's chest strikes an armored 
foot! Sparks fly up as the kick throws her bodily into the food court's tiled floor!

"Owww... jeez, I forgot I've never actually fought anyone before... who..." She 
raises her head to see her opponent. There, a figure, standing next to the Time 
Crapper (who sulkily nurses the bruise on his cheek). She wears insectoid armor, 
made of lacquered mahogany, with gold trim and ivory inlays. On her head, a 
visor giving her a sneering expression of superiority. On her forehead, a pair 
of clock hands in a V, and at her waist, an analog clock face, hands at 7:20.

"Looks like you're not taking this fight *seriously* enough, Tweseveny! Or this 
mission! But don't worry," she says, mockery dripping from her voice. "Burst 
Beetle M-Plot will get things back on schedule!"

Drew "that's right, my first stop is Teenfactor" Perron

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