Saturday, November 17, 2007

It's Time to Fess Up

There is something I need to talk about. I never talk about this and I feel I must. I need to track it. So, I'm going to put a label for this post entitled "Sleeping" to find it easily.

This blog is for me. I realize that; however, I find myself not wanting to talk about everything Why? I really have no clue. It's like I have to keep up some type of persona even for myself. It truly is ridiculous and not helpful at all.

So...I need to fess up. It's time.

I've been severely depressed. To the point that I have been in bed sleeping for more than 18 hours at a time. It started like this: My daughter was sick Monday with a stomach virus. I stayed home with her. Tuesday she went back to school but needed to come home very early because she was still sick. I stayed home with her. I fretted the entire time about the money I wasn't earning while being home. I felt too guilty to leave her by herself while she was sick. I felt guilty for even worrying about money while she was sick.

I felt stuck. My husband is in Morocco. No one else was home to be with her. I needed to stay home. I wanted to stay home because I wanted to take care of her. It's just the factor of money that made anxiety flare like a bonfire.

Another reason why I fretted is because next week is Thanksgiving. We are off work next Thursday and Friday for the holiday. I don't get paid for holidays, therefore no money will be earned. Not getting paid for Monday and Tuesday along with next Thursday and Friday equals almost a week of work I won't get paid for.

That severely impedes my financial situation. Christmas is coming up soon as well. I won't get paid for two days during Christmas that the company takes off and also New Years Day. So, in a two-month time span I won't get paid for seven business days.

It gets worse though. I sabotaged myself...A LOT.

To make matters worse, I became so depressed by Wednesday I was in bed. I couldn't get up. My daughter went back to school. I slept. Thursday she felt bad again and stayed home. I was actually relieved because that was an excuse to stay home. Today she went back to school and I was in bed. So now it means I won't get paid for ten business days in a two-month span.

I have slept so much and I am so tired. My daughter is at my parents house for the weekend and I am alone which is best.

I just want to die. I don't want to wake up.

Don't worry - I'm not going to do myself in. I mean...sure, I think about it. I think everyone does at some point in their life. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I'm not. Because if I am it means I'm more abnormal than I would like to think.

I haven't eaten except for two slices of French bread with some hummus. I have had maybe one cup of water a day.

I'm not hungry.

I finally ate tonight. I can't eat much. My stomach got filled up very quickly.

Yesterday my daughter climbed in bed with me. We talked. She is more aware than I would ever think or want to realize. See, I told her that I had the virus that she had. I thought she believed me. I think she does to some degree, but somehow the conversation turned to depression. She told me that she had never seen someone with depression so badly. See, she has anger issues at times. She told me that she was happy she had anger issues like her father compared to depression issues like me. She said that at least with anger it would go away after a while. She said depression doesn't go away. She said it may get better, but it comes back.

It does come back.

I feel so inconsistent.

I can't depend on myself.

I feel like a horrible mother.

I don't want her to remember this.

I don't want her to remember how I laid in the bed sleeping for 18+ hours.

It reminds me of my Mom. She did this (and still does). I am repeating the cycle. It must end.

This has happened so many times before in the past two years. And my financial situation just gets worse. I am slowly dying.

Sometimes I think it would be so much better if I weren't here. My daughter wouldn't have to watch. She would be better off. I try so hard to be a great mom...a great wife...a great employee...a great student...a great person. And then I sabotage myself and show everyone including myself what a piece of shit I am. Then it makes it so much harder to work because I feel like I have to make up for the depression.

At this point I have so much to make up for that I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's too overwhelming.

This week my anger for my husband has been unreal. Since he has been gone I have been able to be away from the drama and the stress. I have been able to be a bit more objective because I'm not in the middle of the mess. I'm not walking on eggshells. It has been a relief. At the same time it has been maddening because I realize more and more what stress I go through with him. Doesn't he realize? Does he comprehend what it's like?

He hasn't been here to shout, scream and be insulting; however, I have been doing that for him in my mind. The inner dialogue in my mind keeps repeating what he has said to me in the past and it makes me more and more angry.

I have been in the pursuit of his happiness for seven years. I have wanted him to live his dream for seven years. I just want him to be happy!!!!!!

Does he want me to be happy?

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