Anxiety is Voldemort

I could probably spend my time writing down everything that needs to be done or open my day-planner and organize my days to make the most of my time. There are a lot of things I could or should be doing, that I am not. Not because I don’t want to, and not because I don’t need to, but because anxiety is a bitch ass motherfucker who is trying to take over my brain. Anxiety is Voldemort. I just realized that now. I also just realized that I could be watching Harry Potter on Netflix instead of doing anything remotely productive, but I will try to stay focused. For now.

Lately, I keep thinking back to the Summer of 2017. Oh, the good old days. The sun was shining, the beach was calling my name. Where was I though? I was avoiding the sun. I was avoiding people. I was avoiding phone calls. My will to live literally did not exist. Anxiety and depression consumed me in 2017, so much so that suicide was a daily thought, if not the only thought throughout those beautiful sunny days. Thankfully, between my therapist and family doctor, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others, I clawed my way out of my own self-made abyss and was able to notice the sun shining once again by the time we greeted 2018.

My mental deterioration was not sudden, it was a slow decline over a long period of time. Potentially years, if we’re being honest. Suicide is a choice that we make because the weight of the world, and the trauma and inner turmoil we feel is so agonizing that literally dying seems like a better “life” than living and enduring this pain all day, every day. Living with severe depression and anxiety is like playing a game of Would You Rather, except that creepy ass clown from Saw is giving you the fucking options you get to choose from. “Would you rather be set on fire but never die or live in a house infested with lethally poisonous spiders?”, “would you rather win a cruise on the Titanic, or a trip to Los Angeles aboard American Airlines Flight 11?”.

Fast forward to today. I see you, anxiety. I hear you loud and clear. You whisper, “you have no friends to turn to”, “you can’t do anything right”, “your business is failing”, and “your children deserve better”. We are not friends, anxiety. We are not even frenemies. I didn’t know this in 2017, but I know what you are now. You are a bully, and I created you. I will love you, and I will reply to you with kindness, until eventually you either become tired of taunting me and disappear, or you become the newest cheerleader in my own little mental cheer squad watching me fucking slay. I just pictured Voldemort in cheer uniform, he’d make a great addition to the team ❤

{Fun Fact: in 2018 I was diagnosed with ADHD, just a few months after my then 7-year-old daughter was diagnosed. When untreated, ADHD and other neurological conditions (such as bi-polar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, autism, etc), can cause depression and anxiety. I have a strong suspicion that a lot of my anxiety and my nearly year long bout of severe depression was actually my undiagnosed ADHD not being properly treated.}

If you can relate, let me know! Mental wellness is important, and it starts with being aware of how you are doing. Today has been a day of self-awareness, and I felt compelled to write a piece of my story today.