April 18th, 2005


A Brand New Penis!


Was having drinks with a few people this past weekend, including a plastic surgeon visiting from up north, named Lars. For some reason, Doc, another doctor, asked Lars how they constructed penises. I found this odd, considering that Doc was a guy and therefore didn't need another penis ... or did he?

"You mean, for sex-change patients?" I asked.

"No," replied Doc. "It's for me. And let this be a lesson to all of you: Never wrestle with your pet dingo while naked. It looks like a kangaroo fetus to them."

Actually, he did mean sex-change patients.

Lars explained that the new penis is constructed from skin, fat and blood vessels removed from either the patient's forearm or thigh. Doc wondered how the constructed penis got erect.

"It can't. The transexual needs to stick a plastic rod into it before he/she starts boning," I replied.

Back in college, I'd taken a class called Human Sexuality. Besides being an easy A, you got college credit for essentially watching porn. For one of the lectures, our professor brought in two former guys and two former ladies, and had them sit on stage as we barraged them with questions. So I remembered "the rod in the rod" explanation. But I'd forgotten the answer to Doc's next question:

"Can they still enjoy sex? What happens to the clitoris? Do they just toss it in the trash during surgery?"

Lars didn't know the answer to this, strangely enough. But then again, he was more of a lipo and nose job kind of surgeon, not a build-a-brand-new-schlong-out-of-your-arm kind of surgeon. I wondered if maybe the clit got attached to the tip of the constructed penis. Granted, this would look pretty fucking strange, as if a voodoo priest put a hex on the pecker and shrank the head until it looked like a midget standing on top of a building.

I guess the lesson for you ladies out there is if you want to become a man, skip the surgery, and just glue on a beard and learn to parallel park.


I thought of this episode of HBO's "Taxicab Confessions." The passenger used to be a guy, but through the wonders of modern medicine, was now the proud owner of a vagina. However, the vagina needed daily maintenance, and I'm not talking brushing and flossing.

It needed to have a dildo in it several times a day. Otherwise, it would close up and disappear completely ... leaving you with no genitals to speak of, just a bush and sphincter. Despite this, the passenger said that he/she knew of some dumbass trannies who actually neglected their vaginas, and fwoosh no pussy. They'd turned into Barbie dolls. Also, how traumatizing would this be for their boyfriends?

BOYFRIEND: Hey honey, you in the mood for some sucky-fucky?

TRANSEXUAL: Oh God, my vagina's gone!

BOYFRIEND: Hmmm. Well how 'bout just the sucky?

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