
Answer man knows his stuff
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Let's get started with our first question:

Dear Answer Man: I am a Democratic candidate for governor of a state that shall remain anonymous. I have shocked my supporters by endorsing a bill that will allow guns in every nook-and-cranny of our state (except, of course, at the State Capitol.) Some folks think I did this just to get elected. What do you think? J.C. from Atlanta.

Answer Man: J.C., it looks as if the goober hasn't fallen far from the peanut plant. Your grandfather ran a shamefully racist campaign for governor in 1970 and was elected. His starry-eyed supporters forgave him that hypocrisy. Surely, yours will forgive you, too.



Dear Answer Man: Now that the sagacious men and women of the Georgia Legislature have had the extraordinary foresight to allow us to arm ourselves to the teeth when we attend church, will you be packing heat on Sundays? By the way, watch your answer. I don't like smart aleck columnists and there is nothing in the new law that says I can't shoot off your big toe. Jasperse from Jasperdoo.


Plus, I get hung up over one of those nettlesome commandments God delivered to Moses; something about, "Thou shalt not kill." But, then, what does God know? He never had to pander to special interest groups. That is why He created politicians.

Dear Answer Man: I am a member of the family Sciuridae - small but extremely cute rodents. We live in your backyard and eat the birdseed in your feeders. I would like your readers to know that while you continually shoot at me and my buddies with your Red Ryder pump-action pellet gun with camouflage stock, the only thing you have ever killed is time. You couldn't hit the church pipe organ with a cannonball. George Bushy Tail.

Answer Man: Sorry, George, but Funk and Wagnall say that isn't a question. It is a slanderous accusation. I don't respond to slanderous accusations - unless they come from liberal weenies or lawyers who think they are PR experts.



Answer Man: You forgot to add that I don't know where commas go. Neither do kumquats. I am in good company.

Dear Answer Man: Describe your ideal candidate in the upcoming U.S. Senate primary? Liza from Lizella.

Answer Man: I prefer someone with impeccable integrity who is wiser than Socrates, a spitting image of Brad Pitt and modest to a fault - but enough about me. Is Ray Charles running? I must remember to ask Funk and Wagnall. I'll bet they will know.

