Monday, 3 June 2013

The Fresh Prince

"24 year old male, intoxicated, fallen down stairs"

As I'm feeling full of song, the next bit, you'll have to read as if you were singing along to the FULL version of Will Smith's 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air'! You all know how it goes!

Jazzy Jeff.......hit it!

Now this is the story all about how 
A man got drunk, and fell right down 
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there 
I'll tell you how he ended up with some vom in his hair

On a busy Friday night, tired and dazed
In an ambulance, where I spend most of my days 
Driving fast, bandaging, responding to the calls, 
And picking up grannies when they accidentally fall 
When a couple of guys, they were up to no good 
Started drinking shots in my neighbourhood 
They had one to many then went to get some air 
But instead went for a tumble, after tripping on a stair

He fell to bottom, hit his head on the way
His friend standing idly, not knowing what to say
He pointed and laughed and said "Now you gone and done it",
But his friend looking bloodied said, "I think I'm gonna vomit!"

Look at the blood, this is really bad.
We're gonna need an Ambo and his mum's gonna be mad
I hope it's not serious, we were having a good night?
Hmmmmmmm. He might be alright.

But wait, he's looking greener, nauseous and all that,
I think he's gonna blow, I'd best take off his hat!
Yep, there we go,
He vommed all on the stair
I hope they're prepared for the vom in his hair.

Well, the vomming continued and then he passed out,
There was a bouncer looking on and was yellin' to get out.
"I ain't after no trouble,
man, just drank too much beer!"
He then sprang to meet the ambo, like lightin', disappeared.

He waited for a while and when it came near the 
Friend stepped into road and yelled "Quick over here"
If anything I could say that this job was rare 
But I thought nah, it's Friday, there's drunks everywhere!

I pulled up to the club about seven or eight 
And I yelled to the para "You better put some gloves on!" 
Looked at my crew mate, we were finally there
Staring at a bloke with some vom in his hair

Somehow, he was caked in the stuff. It was as if he'd been rolling around in it like a pig in the mud. Not only was it on him though, it was on the stairs, the floor, the walls and everything else near by! He was also lying right outside the vile smelling toilets of the club and it took some serious shouting on my behalf to get the bouncer to stop allowing people to clamber over us.

He had a very nasty head injury so it was impossible to know if it was the injury or the alcohol that had caused the vomiting. Either way, we'd have to treat for the worst. We couldn't accurately assess his neck because of the alcohol and the distracting injury so he needed a full immobilisation. I can assure you, no matter how careful you are, when there is that much vomit, it is impossible to avoid. After a few minutes of trying to escape it you make peace with the fact that you're just going to get vom on your garms! (Sorry, I still think I'm a rapper!)

We asked for a second crew to assist and when they arrived we got him collared, boarded and strapped.  We carried him out to the ambulance where he promptly vomited again. This time we had to hold the spinal board on its side with him strapped to it to stop him choking. It really is a glamorous job! The journey to hospital was equally lush, avoiding the trickling trails of puke and steady showers of projectile, whilst standing up and wresting with a spinal board with a 17 stone man strapped to it. Eventually we arrived at hospital. The back of the ambulance looked and smelled like a cesspit. And I didn't look......or smell much different.

Living the dream!


  1. Love your rap! Better than the original x hope you got rid of the smell xx

  2. Love your belongs. Ex non clin man, lost faith, you make me think. You, 1st for years, making me re-think. Grateful to you xxx

  3. The last pt I had who was covered was covered not in their own vomit but in the shit of other people. It appears that he passed out about midnight and for two hours others were crapping on him. We found him at about 03:00...

    1. Looks like I couldn't do maths earlier - that'll be 3 hours then...

  4. That was great, you should make an accompanying music video for that epic rap.

  5. Win for the rap.

  6. haha! lush rap....I had to sing it out loud of course :)

  7. Am picturing a possibly very funny paramedic graduation sketch after reading that! Royalty free lyrics Ella? ;-)

  8. That was absolutely amazing!! Now I have the song in my head though lol.


