Friday, July 4, 2014

4th of July Top 4 Most AMERICAN Video Games

Ah, the smell of barbecue, the indistinct noise of children playing, and all the sights of what makes AMERICA the greatest nation on earth. I love the 4th of July. I love what it means. For me, the 4th of July means AMERICA, and I love AMERICA. So today, to celebrate our beautiful, God-graced nation, I have complied a short list of the Top 4 Most AMERICAN games ever. If you want to love our country, then I suggest you go out and buy these games... and hug a veteran. My list starts with the top of the top, I am of course referring to...

1. TOP GUN for the Nintendo NES

Jets. AMERICA. Machismo. AMERICA. Death of a friend. AMERICA. Guilt. AMERICA. Homoerotic undertones. AMERICA. Well, those things were more in the movie but at least the game had jets. In TOP GUN, you control an F-14 Tomcat flying around and shooting stuff to death. The game is notorious for its confusing controls and lack of forgiveness when it came to landing and refueling, but was nonetheless ground-breaking for its time. Current prices are hovering around $3.50 and I have to say, it is completely worth $3.50. I don't even own an NES and I have a copy.

2. Fugitive Hunter: War on Terror for the PS2

Following the tragedy of 9/11, developer Black Ops Entertainment decided to cash in on America's hatred for all things terror. They ended up making one of the most rushed and terrible games ever. Released as Fugitive Hunter: War on Terror in the US, it went by America's 10 Most Wanted everywhere else in the world. You play as Jake Seaver, a counter-terrorism agent with a God-given talent for punching terrorists. Across the games' 10 levels you, raid various locations in first-person shooter mode, then engage in a fighting minigame where you must punch a terrorist into an arrest. Nothing is more AMERICA than that. Of course, most soulless and AMERICA-hating game reviewers complained about the games poor graphics, story, mechanics, sound, and general lack of good gameplay but they missed the point. You get to punch terrorists. 
The final boss battle is you punching Osama bin Laden until he is arrested, because here in a AMERICA, we don't kill terrorists, we put 'em to trial [IRONY]. This game is worth every penny of the dollar that an average copy sells for.

3. M.A.C.S. for the Nintendo SNES

One of the rarest SNES games ever produced, M.A.C.S. was a shooting-simulator for the SNES and could only be played with an M16.
Well an M16 clone, the Jäger AP 74
M.A.C.S., or the Multi-purpose Arcade Combat Simulator, was your standard lightgun shooter and was developed as a cheap way for the U.S. Army to practice shooting without having to waste money on expensive things like bullets or real guns. There are three known versions of the software, and each version is basically an entirely new game.

There's reported to be fewer than 600 copies of each of the three versions made, making them INCREDIBLY RARE. They fetch around $800 as a complete set, but it is hard to get the rifle, since the U.S.Army doesn't like it when you remove guns from army bases and try to sell them on eBay.

so... epic...

4. Liberty or Death for the SNES and Genesis

The first time I saw this game, I freaked out. I had never seen something so perfect in all of my days as a U.S. Citizen. This game is the most AMERICAN of all time and it is actually a really GREAT turn-based RPG. You can either play as George Washington (greatest human of democracy) controlling the American Continental Army or Thomas Gage (scummiest scumbag of the monarchy) controlling the British Army, during the American Revolutionary War. The objective of the game is to wipe out the enemy army from the colonies but to do so you must strategically move your troops around the map while also taking into effect various Loyalist and Rebel militias, Hessian mercenaries, and the various socioeconomic dynamics of the war. The game is lauded for its complex strategy depth and its historical accuracy. It is also incredibly long, you can play for hundreds of hours and still not reach a decisive end [COMMENTARY ON TODAY'S MILITARY]. In my opinion, it is also incredibly undervalued, the Genesis version sells for $12 and the SNES version is worth $22. If you are into war simulators and you haven't played this game, you aren't AMERICAN.


Anonymous said...

long live the bolsheviks

Anonymous said...

Would love to have the M.A.C.S. System.

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