Sunday, October 5, 2014

First Five Pages October Workshop - Comeau

Name: Janel Comeau
Genre: Young Adult Sci-Fi
Title: The Girl Who Was Ordinary, Until She Wasn't

There was absolutely nothing special about Jane.

Jane Hale was as ordinary as could be, from her mouse-brown hair to the toes of her sensible shoes. She never took home an A+ from school, never scored the winning goal, never went to the big parties and never even tried to disobey her parents. Of course, her family was always there, from her not-so-terrible two’s, right up to her not-so-troublesome teenage years, reminding her of what a special little girl she was. Mr. and Mrs. Hale beamed and coaxed and fussed, and they always claimed to take pride in their daughter’s overwhelmingly dull life.
They lied.
For years, Mr. and Mrs. Hale fought off tears of boredom every time they thought about Jane. And so they tried desperately to change their daughter’s ways. They signed her up for music lessons (she played a mediocre piano), bought her exotic pets (she turned out to be allergic) and even enrolled her in private school (the addition of a school uniform had only made her more difficult to locate in a crowd). It was no use. Jane’s blandness defied them year after year.
But this year was going to be different.
Jane stood outside her bedroom at the top of the stairs, smoothing her clothes and trying her absolute best to not have a complete nervous breakdown. It was the morning of September 4th, and she was less than two hours away from starting her first day of tenth grade at the Louise Caroline All-Girl Academy. It’s just the first day of high school, she reminded herself. Millions of kids go through it, and hardly any of them get humiliated or maimed or exiled to the arctic. I can do this. Probably. Maybe. I guess.
It wasn’t much of a pep talk, but it was the best she could manage.
Jane straightened her pleated skirt for the thirty-second time that morning, took a deep breath, and started down the stairs toward the kitchen. Her mother was the first to notice her arrival.
“Oh, look, you’re awake and ready for school on time. That’s our predictable daughter!”
The Hales lived in a comfortable little house in a comfortable little suburb that boasted a comfortable little kitchen. Mrs. Hale stood by the stove in her comfortable satin bathrobe, flipping something that looked uncomfortably like a bright green pancake. Mr. Hale was already seated at the table with his round face buried in the folds of a newspaper; Jane quietly slipped into the chair beside his.          
“Ready for school?” he asked, turning his eyes back to a rather fascinating article about bank robberies.
“Yes.” she replied. Jane rarely offered up any more information than was necessary. Some girls her age might have gushed about the cute boys they were going to meet; others might have griped that eyeliner didn’t come in a shade dark enough to match their souls. Not Jane. Her mother fought back a sigh.
“Jane, darling, we need to have a word about your outfit,” Mrs. Hale said softly.
“Why?” Jane looked down at the crisp blouse and maroon blazer that made up the uniform of her new school, “This is what they told me to wear. Did I get a stain on it somewhere?”
“Oh, no, darling, don’t be silly; you’re not nearly exciting enough for that.” Mrs. Hale flipped off the stove and slid a green pancake onto Jane’s plate, “It’s just that we’ve transferred you to another school.”

Jane dropped her forkful of lawn-coloured breakfast. “What?”

“Yes, you’re enrolled in Snicket High School now. It’s a public school, dear. Oh, and you’ll be taking the bus there, I forgot to mention that.”
"But, why? Why didn’t you tell me?” Jane stared down at her plate; she couldn’t bring herself to meet her mother’s heavily made-up eyes.

“We wanted it to be a surprise, darling! You’ll have much more fun at public school than at some stuffy old private school.” Mrs. Hale explained.

This was a lie.

Jane’s parents believed that high school was a prime opportunity for personal growth, tacky haircuts and life-long emotional wounding. To that end, they’d quietly enrolled their daughter at Snicket High School, a large public institution across town that boasted the fifth worst test scores in the region. Snicket High was noisy, crowded and exactly 7.6 kilometres from the Hale home, ensuring that Jane would have to take the bus to and from school for maximum trauma.

Mr. and Mrs. Hale were pleased. Jane was not.

“But Mom, I’m not even dressed for… you didn’t even tell me… I have to go change!” Jane sprung up from her seat and turned for the stairs. Mrs. Hale grasped her wrist and gently pulled her back down into her seat.

“Oh, I don’t think you have time for that, dear. There’s a little something else that your father and I need to discuss with you.”

Now, the Hales weren’t foolish enough to think that public high school would solve all of their problems. Oh, no. Jane was a special kind of boring, and they knew that nothing less than drastic measures would be required to change that. They had an extra trick up their collective sleeves, and they’d decided to hold onto it until the last possible moment.

Whatever her parents had to say, Jane was almost certain she wouldn’t like it.

Look at me for a moment.”  Mrs. Hale continued, “You know your father and I have been very patient with you all these years. We’ve dedicated an unreasonable amount of time and money to solving your little problem.”

“Problem? Mom, I don’t have a problem. I’ve never failed a class, never been in trouble at school, never said yes to drugs–”

“Drugs! Oh, those would be a wonderful start, don’t you think?” Mrs. Hale actually clapped her hands.

“Drugs. Very good,” mumbled Mr. Hale from behind his paper, and turned the page to a rather fascinating article about kidnapping.

“You can’t be serious.” Jane gaped at her mother.

“Oh, but of course I’m serious! Do you remember the time we smuggled that hyena into the country for you? Or when we signed you up for crocodile wrestling lessons? Or that time we dyed your hair blue, dear?”
Jane shuddered. Oh, yes, she did remember.
“We didn’t do that for our benefit; it was all for your own good! We want what’s best for you, Jane. Look at your father and I – we made nothing but sensible decisions when we were your age, and look how bored and miserable we are! We want a better life for you, but if you aren’t willing to meet us halfway, I’m afraid that we may need to cut our losses and terminate this relationship altogether.”

Jane’s eyes went wide. “Wait, you’re firing me as a daughter? Can you even do that?”

“Oh, darling, with enough lawyers on your side, you can do anything. But we hope it doesn’t come to that. We’re not unreasonable people – we’re giving you one last chance to hold on to your place in this family. You just need to do something remarkable. It doesn’t matter what it is. Be creative. Impress us, Jane, and we’ll happily continue to acknowledge that you sprung from our loins."


  1. When I read the first five pages of your novel, I felt as if I was in the Twilight Zone, as if the characters were simulations. I do not read science fiction at all, so have no experience with the genre, but I think that weird feeling is what you were going for. I don't connect with Jane either, but I think that is what you might be going for, she seems robotic, her parents as well. But I want to know if she will tell her parents off at some point!

  2. I love what's going on here, the only problem is that I have no idea what that is. It's only the first five pages but i'm not even given a hint of sci-fi. I I also love that the school is called Snicket High, I'm assuming it's a nod to Lemony Snicket, for your writing is very reminiscent of his. I'm a huge fan of Snicket, which is probably why I like the parents so much. Their dealing with their boorish daughter in such an unabashed manner is hilarious, but I can't see how this works into a sci-fi, though I am curious.

    If you were selling this as children's or middle-grade adventure, I'd be sold, but if it's YA sci-fi, I think you need to get to the meat quicker. I need some futuristic or otherworldly elements. I need some teenage angst (even if she is boring, can we have her be angry that her parents don't get her or something?) and maybe some inner thoughts of why she is so plain-Jane.

    I get she is worried about her first day in High School, but why? Has she been picked on in the past? Is she ultra concerned about standing out? I would understand the news of going to a public school for the first time to be distressing, but she is already worried about going to a private school which she has experience in.

    It's tricky to get the reader to relate to a boring character. I started off doing the same with my character so I know. I'm going to give you the same advice people gave me: Even if the character is boring, they still have to have character. They still have to have engaging thoughts or concerns or quirks. There are points when you elude to these thoughts- "Jane shuddered. Oh, yes, she did remember", but I need more. Maybe make her more droll or a neat-freak, have her marvel at the subtle intricacies of a toaster... I don't know, something like that.

  3. I like your first line, and I like the definite feeling that 'something' is about to happen. I also love love love "Some girls her age might have gushed about the cute boys they were going to meet; other might have griped that eyeliner didn't come in a shade dark enough to match their souls." Dark enough to match their souls - I actually laughed out loud at that; it was perfect. I know that some readers might like that the school is named Snicket, but I'd rather see something unique here. I really want to know why her parents would just dump this huge change on her so abruptly when they've seemed to go along with her 'boringness' - and apparently they are boring too, so whose fault is it that Jane is the same? - until now. There's something weird going on here, and I know that sci-fi tends to go that way, so I'm interested in reading more to see what exactly that 'weird' might be. I love sarcasm, so lines like "Jane's parents believed that high school was a prime opportunity for personal growth, tacky haircuts, and life-long emotional wounding" are great for me, but it seems a little strange considering that earlier it is mentioned that her parents were always there for her, telling her she was special, and taking pride in her. So I can't really tell at this point if her parents were suddenly overtaken by aliens and are pod people (even though they seem to have the personalities of pod people, even by their own admittance) or if she is about to go through some sort of change at the new school or because of it. I would like to know more, though, so as far as catching my interest, you've got it.

  4. Hi! First of all I love the humor and your voice. It's definitely my kind of out there. However, I have to tell you that this feels extremely middle grade and NOT YA. I don't know what happens in the rest of your book, but I think you should seriously consider changing that if you're open to it. Secondly, you change back and forth between omniscient and closed third. I think you should pick one and stick with it. I get the style you're going for, but think of Harry Potter for a minute. She starts the first chapter talking about the Dursleys much like you talk about her parents, however that then changes to Harry's perspective throughout most of the first book. Once you commit to "joining" the reader with your MC, stay there, even if it means killing some of your darlings. :D

    As much as I love the style, I think you need to delve deeper and help us connect with your character or we won't commit as readers. To do this you have to make your characters a bit less one-dimensional. She's average, but she has feelings. So do her parents. Introduce us to what is uniquely her. Tough with your set up I know! But you're clearly talented enough to handle it. ;D

    Can't wait to read your revision!!

  5. Hi Janel,

    There is so much to like here! It reminded me of the start of Harry Potter, but with a twist – since the Hale’s do not like being average. I really enjoyed the humor and the set up. But like Lisa, it felt middle grade to me – which is fine! Think about your themes, your story arc, etc – and if it is middle grade, great. If it isn’t, you need to think about voice.

    I love that Jane is ordinary and then her parents surprise us with – look, we are trying our best – we died your hair blue! etc. I think it could be woven in better, with a few more clues, like the exotic pet. In that paragraph you could say, tried a radical haircut, and some potentially dangerous activities, or some such, and then the reader would read what they were and Jane could shudder. It would tie it in better, and not be such a gotcha.

    Also, this didn’t seem to jive with Jane being nervous. Why is she nervous? Is there a reason her parents don’t know about? Is there more to plane Jane? In these first five pages you need to be clear. If she’s nervous because exciting, drama queen Zanny with the pink hair torments her, tell us! Whatever it is. If she’s nervous because it will be one more boring year of high school where every day melts into the next, let us know that.

    Lastly, if its sci-fi – gives us a hint. Let us know there is something more to plane Jane than meets the eye.

    Overall, I really enjoyed these pages, and am looking forward to reading the revision!

  6. Hi Janel--

    Thanks for sharing your writing. This was a very fun read for me, but the whole time I was reading it my brain was kind of short-circuiting due to the omniscient narrator. It's definitely a bold choice, but combining it with this whimsical tone makes this story sound kind of like a fable or fairytale, at least to my ear. Which makes me think more of historical or paranormal/fantasy. I also see omniscient utilized with middle grade (as in The 39 Clues series). This unusual tone combined with a YA sci-fi narrative is definitely going to be something I haven't seen before. But hey, I'm a big believer in the "rules" or "norms" just being guidelines. You can do anything you want in writing as long as you do it extremely well.

    And there's a lot of good stuff here. You do a great job of hopping from one party's thoughts to the next and there are some really funny moments. I can't remember the last time I giggled at someone reading a newspaper. And LOL at sending her to public school in a uniform :D I'm not sure about the "firing me as a daughter" part, just because Jane is a perfect miniature version of her parents right now, isn't she? If they're so miserable, why aren't they dyeing their own hair? :) Maybe if they had a specific reason, a compelling motive for Jane to be something special. Something more than just bragging rights...

    I'm not worried about the lack of sci-fi here because I'm assuming that will come in the next 10-20 pages with your inciting incident, where Jane goes from being oh-so-ordinary to something special.

    Nice job. Taking risks might or might not pay off as far as where you want to go with this story, but there's always an inner satisfaction in boldly coloring outside the lines. Curious to see where you go with your revision.