BF won't leave my scars alone and keeps bringing up things I've asked him not to. I finally snapped about it and he says I should be grateful.

relationship_advice Original
ThrowRA29837 8030 G 2019-11-02 13:51:41

Some context first:

I'm(F) 19 this year, my partner(M) is 21. We've been together for about 6 months. I've got minor-medium facial scarring on the left side of my face, and I have a prosthetic eye. Short story short wear bike helmets and don't be a fucking idiot when you're with your friends.

Alright, my boyfriend has been with me for 6 months now, and for the most part, we get along well. Now I'm gonna admit, my temper needs work because I can be snappy sometimes but I've made clear from the start that I don't want to talk about my scars nor have them be touched etc. It makes me uncomfortable and generally ruins any good mood in the situation.

My issue is he keeps doing things like touching them with his fingers and calling me beautiful as if I want reassurance about the most fucking horrible thing about me. I try to be nice about it, but I just can't make it clear enough how much I hate it. He also makes comments about how I should get some stupid weird looking prosthetic with patterns and stuff and he doesn't get that I just want to look normal, I just want to be allowed to forget about that stuff as much as possible.

I guess the problem is he doesn't get just how serious it is to me and that making light hearted jokes about it just makes me feel like I'm different and I hate it. I already have stupid questions from people who don't know me well that make me feel insecure, but he knows me and has been told.

I snapped about it last night and he went off saying that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I should be grateful he's trying. Was I being unfair? I feel like it's okay for me to ask him to leave that part of me and my life alone so I can move on as best as possible but apparently not.

likwidrage 4510 G 9m

Implying you should be “grateful” he’s trying makes all of his efforts disingenuous imo.

I understand in his mindset. He’s trying to prove he doesn’t mind and has probably made it a goal of his to make you comfortable, but it’s not working and he’s choosing not to respect that and taking it personally that he’s unsuccessful. You deserve to feel normal and maybe one day you WILL come around, but you aren’t there yet and him crossing that boundary persistently will not help that happen.

chihuahua-mama 1913 S x 2 6h11m

He reminds me of this quote from Tina Fey’s “Bossy Pants”:

I've always been able to tell a lot about people by whether they ask me about my scar. Most people never ask, but if it comes up naturally somehow and I offer up the story, they are quite interested. Some people are just dumb: "Did a cat scratch you?" God bless. Those sweet dumdums I never mind. Sometimes it is a fun sociology litmus test, like when my friend Ricky asked me, "Did they ever catch the black guy that did that to you?" Hmmm. It was not a black guy, Ricky, and I never said it was.

Then there's another sort of person who thinks it makes them seem brave or sensitive or wonderfully direct to ask me about it right away. They ask with quiet, feigned empathy, "How did you get your scar?" The grossest move is when they say they're only curious because "it's so beautiful." Ugh. Disgusting. They might as well walk up and say, "May I be amazing at you?" To these folks let me be clear. I'm not interested in acting out a TV movie with you where you befriend a girl with a scar. An Oscar-y Spielberg movie where I play a mean German with a scar? Yes.


igottagotheotherway 293 6h25m

I can hear that in her voice so clearly

chihuahua-mama 120 6h26m

I “read” it in audiobook form, and it was such a delight!

Thecrazygoodguy 26 8h3m

Definitely recommended, it's so funny

dmjones6591 13 9h57m

I would listen to it at the gym and spend the entire time holding back laughter :p

strawcat 8 10h15m

I read the book and then immediately rented the audiobook from the library. It was worth a second read!

M3ghan_ 51 8h2m

I can hear her voice so well too 😂. I think that’s one awesome thing about her, she has a voice that you can’t forget and will even know it’s her talking without even seeing her. I actually read this to my mom and she was like, “she has a scar?” 🤦🏻‍♀️ so of course I had to pull up a picture then read that quote to her lmao. My point to this was really just to agree that I can hear her voice to clearly as well but I rambled, sorry hahah.

gone_eternally 69 10h27m

I never realized tina fey has a scar

KingKnee 11 10h46m

Same, just looked at some pictures, can't even see it. Heavy makeup? I dunno.

igottagotheotherway 19 10h59m

It’s on her chin, she was slashed growing up

thecatteam 4 1d9h49m

It's not really on her chin, it starts under her lower lip on the left side of her face and extends horizontally across her laugh line. I never noticed it either until I saw an interview where she gestured toward it. Thought it was just a weird wrinkle.

Edit: wow I just saw another comment and it actually continues all the way up her left chin in a C shape. Never noticed that before either.

cptnsaltypants 12 13h43m

I’m literally watching 30 Rock as I’m reading this!

I had a boss once who had a ragged scar across her neck. I worked in her home as a personal assistant. Not once did I ask her about it. I thought if she wanted to tell me she would.

I’ll be honest, I def made my own story of what probably happened. I never found out but I assumed it was probably DV.

japaneseknotweed 3 14h40m

What's DV?

jamiejonesey 3 15h7m

Domestic violence

japaneseknotweed 3 15h13m

Ahh, thanks. Good to know.

FrostYuuki 193 7h55m

My SO has a surgery scar on his neck. People usually don't ask about his scar, but one day a random vendor asked him out of the blue, "did you get that by jumping off fences, didn't you?" Implying he was doing trespassing/shady things, off all the possible things.

People sometimes are just stupid

baby_chalupa 108 9h30m

I had a central line for a while following a bad infection that almost cost me my leg. I kept it taped up and out of view as much as possible but one day a woman at the fabric store asked me if it was a part of my Halloween costume. When I asked what kind of Halloween costume that would be she replied "You know, a druggie or something." No Karen, having a central line does not make it okay to assume I'm dressing up as someone addicted to drugs.

Julia_Kat 13 12h57m

My sister just had a central line for her plasmapheresis when she was in the ICU. She got discharged just in time for Halloween. We joked that the bruising and raw skin looked like a zombie bite on her neck. Much better costume!

Hope all is well with you now.

baby_chalupa 11 14h16m

I would prefer a zombie to a drug addict! All is well now. Infections that I picked up in a developing country were no joke but thanks to American meds I'm completely recovered.

alyssinelysium 63 10h9m

I have pretty brutal cutting scars on my left wrist and alot like 15 or so.. and not like white thin lines but like deep shiny gouges.

The amount of people when I worked at Subway who asked if it was from burning myself on the ovens...I just cannot.

Like yes Karen, I just keep sticking my wrist on the burning hot top of her while making bread and I just cannot seem to learn."

figgypie 50 11h1m

Holy fuck, you NEVER say shit about SI scars to a random person. I myself have some faint lines on my arm that are super obviously cutting scars if you know what to look for, but they're not too thick. The only people who have really asked about them have been boyfriends/my husband, which makes sense. I think I've brought them up in therapy, otherwise even my close friends don't say anything.

I've seen other people with obvious cutting scars on their arms or whatever, and I will never say a word. It's none of my goddamn business what happened in their past, although I am sad that there are as many people who have felt that pain because I remember those days with a complete lack of fondness.

alyssinelysium 29 11h4m

Even more then that it's like...there's no good answer? How are they seriously expecting those people to respond? Especially a stranger, even if I wanted to go into detail I'm not going to pour my past out to a stranger and frankly I don't think they've thought far enough ahead to realize they don't want that either. It's mind boggling.

figgypie 17 11h55m

Exactly. I'm not gonna go into the details of my mental health problems with some rando, unless it's on the internet of course. Then pull up a chair, this is gonna take a while.

princesstatted 20 13h17m

I have some self harm scars that are kinda noticeable and one that was very obviously a suicide attempt. My husband sometimes will run his finger along it and say how grateful he is that I’m here. I’ve had people ask what happened and I never know what to tell them. I usually make up something like I got it as a kid or something. Then there’s the people that know EXACTLY what that scar is and I see them look at it and instantly look down at the ground. I always want to hug them and tell them that it’s ok and you will get through it. Suicide wasn’t the answer for me and it’s not the answer to anything. It may feel like that at times but there is always something to live for

gagecandoit 3 12h28m

I dont understand why you can assume someone should automatically know what a scar means. I dont see wrist scars and convince myself they must be suicide attempt scars.

figgypie 8 13h2m

Sometimes it's because it matches a familiar pattern, or because you kind of know the person has mental health issues, but you're right. It's not right to assume.

It's another reason why it's super rude to say something about another person's scars unless you're super duper close and have that kind of a relationship where they feel comfortable talking about it. Otherwise, none of anyone's business.

gagecandoit 8 13h6m

Oh i agree that just asking someone about something like that can easily be awkward depending on the person.

However if any rando asked me i wouldnt care and would answer them.

PeachyPesco 2 17h18m

It's horizontal, short, repeated slices on the arm that will nearly always mean self harm scars. Anything else I wouldn't automatically assume it's self harm.

mangophilia 3 14h9m

I just tattooed over the scars on my left arm for this exact reason. I eventually hope to tattoo over the ones on my right arm too.

jessie_monster 7 13h30m

The flipside of that is having to explain that all my burn marks are from actually being a baker and burning my self on the oven.

jamiejonesey 1 15h9m


not_all_cats 91 8h21m

This reminds me of a recent AITA thread where I got in an argument with someone who thinks it's perfectly fine to ask people you've just met about their physical differences. The people that can't see how rude and insensitive it is are not people I'd want to know

boredpomeranian 52 9h0m

I have a non contagious skin disease and the amount of people who feel entitled to ask me about it is astounding. I’m always polite but it ruins my day being reminded I look different.

spookyjess 47 9h28m

I have atopic dermatitis, so I feel you. When I got off of prednisone my skin essentially dissolved. It was so awful and painful. People used to say,. "looks like someone forgot their sunscreen.' like holy fuck, lady.

The worst part was that children used to look at me, and then turn around to their parents when they saw me.

I'm so thankful for Dupixent. It's worked wonders for my skin. I hope you'll be rid of it soon!

aoiN3KO 19 11h13m

Oh my god same! I looked so bad my school administrators had a meeting about whether or not I was diseased. Hearing that broke something inside me, but because I could literally do nothing about it, I started drinking super heavy so I wouldn’t have to think about how monstrous I looked to everyone else.

Unfortunately I only got approved for dupixent after some permanent hyperpigmentation occurred in all the obvious places, but it would be a straight up lie to say it didn’t vastly improve my quality of life. It’s 1000x worth those painful-ass shots and even more so it’s weight in gold

Hizbla 2 18h29m

Whoa! You might just have saved my life there, internet stranger. My atopic dermatitis has gotten so bad lately and I didn't see a point in going to the doctor again cause they just give you steroids that you can't take forever.

spookyjess 3 1d0h54m

Well, when you get prescribed the Dupixent, call the DupixentMyWay helpline because it's Hella expensive and they will be able to help IF your insurance doesn't cover it. I have Medicare, and only pay about $7 a month for it. But definitely make an appointment and tell your doctor you'd like to give it a go instead of using endless steroids, which caused my adrenals to basically shut down when I went off of them. Your doctor MAY send you to a dermatologist to get it, but that's worth it, imp. It saved my life. Best of luck, internet friend!

Hizbla 3 1d1h50m

Thanks for the advice! But I live in Denmark. No insurance to take into consideration, just wether the doctor thinks the treatment is appropriate or not.

10/10, can recommend.

I'm so glad it worked out for you and at such a low cost! I know exactly what a pain it can be! :)

spookyjess 3 1d3h18m

Oh, cool! Maybe I should have moved to Denmark, lol! Before I had insurance, I was on prednisone for about 3 years. Went into a mental hospital because I went into a corticosteroid psychosis. It really sucked! But luckily, I've only had to take one course of steroids when I had pneumonia last year. And with the Dupixent, I had no rebound flare! So, I'm pretty happy with it!

Hizbla 2 1d5h50m

Wft! I'm so sorry that happened to you! And happy you're on the right track now :) We are all upset by what's happening to you guys right now (assuming you're in the US). Hope your country turns around soon!

MissColombia 23 10h44m

I knew a guy with very severe psoriasis and was amazed that total strangers would ask him about it. He would always come up with crazy stories like he got stung by bees or he’s the only survivor of a fire, etc. Hopefully he made them feel as uncomfortable as they made him feel.

Superb_Literature 16 12h43m

My husband has eczema that flares up in different, random places on his body. A few years ago, the skin all around his eyes broke out. The inside corners of his eyes turned raw, red, and watered constantly. He could only use Aquaphor because he can’t use his prescription cream on broken skin. His job is computer server management so he doesn’t deal with the public, but some coworkers complained that it was hard to look at him and stopped coming to his office in person. It hurt him, I could tell. He literally had no control over it.

frogkickjig 1 3d21h41m

Yikes, people are the worst. I’m so sorry your husband’s colleagues are so backwards and insensitive. Hope he’s doing better now!

Superb_Literature 1 4d1h30m

Thanks, frogkickjig, that was nice!

Individual_Isopod 10 15h7m

I have eczema on my hands and it can get pretty bad at times. I can't count how many people (mostly middle-aged white women) who have loudly gasped (drawing attention) and asked me questions about it. I try to shut them down politely ("It's just eczema") but they choose to be dramatic about it. Many offer "cures" like various creams (which I've tried), essential oils and homeopathy. "My cousin's wife has that too and she puts DoTerra oil on it and it cures it!"

I'm starting to not care if I hurt their feelings by shutting them down more harshly because it really annoys me. I hate attention and these women are so loud when they gasp and carry on about it. I also use a cane and sometimes a wheelchair so they carry on about that too.

ninjabunnay 66 7h6m

What scar and how did she get it?

chihuahua-mama 172 7h19m

A random weirdo slashed her near her chin when she was playing in her front yard as a kid, IIRC.

strawcat 49 10h29m

Not just near her chin, but all the way up the left side of her face. She was a kindergartner at the time.

Mywifefoundmymain 22 12h38m

I’ve never actually noticed it before, but I now have noticed how often she’s filmed from the other side.

totally-not-a-koala 11 13h29m

I actually have a pretty similar scar, tho admittedly a bit less obvious.

It’s weird. Some people, it’s the first thing they notice. Other people, never do. (Tho I think this is more they never asked, then just kind of stopped noticing).

I kind of feel the same way Tina Fey does. Like, I don’t remember a time in life before I had a scar, so it’s just one of my features. Doesn’t bother me at all. I just feel weird when people try to make a big deal of it.

Manaxium 47 9h52m

Yep, her story came up a little while ago when that video of a woman slashing some random kid’s face went viral. Absolutely bonkers that anyone ever did that to Tina, completely insane that it happened again to that child, breaks my heart to think about the number of times it has happened that we’ll never hear about. There are some sick people in this world, and some of them are within arms reach on a daily basis.

chihuahua-mama 45 9h58m

It’s interesting, because the next part of the passage I quoted was about the ways it turned out to be advantageous for her. She said all the adults fussed over her and treated her like she was special because they remembered the attack. So she had some pretty banging self esteem, without quite realizing why until later.

Educational_Stay 36 7h28m

If I weren’t broke I would give you an award. I have noticeable scars and I can 100 percent relate to this.

chihuahua-mama 15 7h35m

Just knowing that I helped bestow Tina’s wisdom upon somewhat who can appreciate it is it’s own reward! ;)

Thistle_Dogwood 8 7h44m

I read Tina Fey's thoughts on this a while ago, and I take it to heart. It's great advice to live by.

FixinThePlanet 34 10h7m


This is so evocative.

SquirrelLuvsChipmunk 30 7h23m

Ha! I was going to quote Bossy Pants after reading this post. Glad you beat me to it. Such a great book and definitely applicable to this situation

Messyproduct 25 7h56m

Watched all of 30 Rock and never noticed till someone mentioned it to me.

Respectable_Coyote 23 9h37m


Anybody else assume this was Ricky Gervaise?

chihuahua-mama 12 9h42m

Well, me now!

[deleted] 12 10h28m

Also TIL she has a scar on her face and that's she's almost 50. Damn she looks so young.

wutwutsugabutt 9 12h6m

Oh my god I have literally never noticed that she has a scar. How the hell have I missed this for the past 20 years

Rapid_Fire_Queefs 4 15h45m

Omg yes! Op, he's showing you who he is, please believe him. I don't have any scars on my face but I'm not comfortable having it touched, by anyone. I had a bf who wouldn't listen, he'd "forget" or say he was just trying to be tender. I told him countless times how upsetting it was and he'd act like I was the unreasonable one. He made me question myself so I ignored the huge red flag. I grew to regret it badly.

[deleted] 2 10h26m

Damn I love this. Although I'm kinda mad her book only has 277 pages.

chihuahua-mama 3 11h8m

I just published a book that has 247 pages and now I feel inadequate!

[deleted] 6 15h57m

Oh honey no. I'm sure you did an awesome job. Don't beat yourself up for it.

luqi_charmz 2 11h5m

I never noticed that she had a scar.

eazolan 2 11h58m

I never even noticed she had a scar.

evranch 1 12h27m

The difference in expectations between men and women is pretty interesting here. When guys (especially tradesmen/farmers) meet it seems half the time we start telling war stories and comparing scars and injuries, and asking about an obvious scar is more of an icebreaker than anything - unless it looks surgical or is something terribly disfiguring, of course. Yep, that one's from barbed wire when I had to dive through a fence. Oh shit, bulls are trouble, aren't they, check this out rolls up sleeve and so on...

Obviously most of us know better than to ask girls about their scars because no matter what they are, as they tend to consider them disfiguring rather than as a badge of honour.

chihuahua-mama 2 12h34m

It matters where the scar is. I have a pretty good scar on my leg from falling while I played basketball. I would love to tell you all about it. That’s different from scarring on your face.

dr_hawkenstein 1 16h27m

I ended up getting a huge tattoo over a scar on my back from a childhood accident after years of people asking me what happened any time my back was exposed.

Ragged_Death 1 17h9m

As someone with heavy burn scars, pretty much half my body is scars, I would much rather someone just ask where they are from, it is far more upsetting to me when I catch them looking at them and see their eyes snap back to my face only for the eyes to wander back when they think i won't see them. Humans are curious by nature, just ask and get it out of the way, much better than trying to look without being caught.

hiftikha 1 1d7h5m

This makes me wanna read the book, how's it?

RoryJSK 76 4h34m

This comment fortifies OP’s position that “being normal” AKA ignoring something that clearly cannot be ignored, is somehow important. I think it would be more important for OP to come to terms with their injury and come to accept and embrace themselves for who they are and their uniqueness.

Her boyfriend clearly does not mind the scars or the prosthetic eye. While he may have said the wrong thing, I think the way he is approaching it is far healthier than being forbidden to touch half of his SO’s face and to pretend like the scars don’t exist. He may keep bringing it up because he sense’s OP’s self confidenCe issues with it, not because he wants to bring it up.

You don’t come to terms with this by ignoring it. Was OP’s boyfriend wrong for disobeying OP’s request? Yes. Is OP wrong for lashing out? Yes. Can we appreciate that OP is trying to come to terms with her injury and understand why she lashed out? Yes. Can OP try and meet her SO in the middle? Yes.

With time you stop thinking about these things or noticing them. Give your boyfriend time to get to that point. He never will if you always make it a big looming issue.

tk919191 449 5h7m

OP is 19 and female. The pressure to be flawless on young women can be immense specially when you don't meet conventional beauty standards.

If OPs way to deal with it is ignoring it for now until she feels more comfortable in her own skin, which is part of your 20ties usually, that is perfectly fine.

Forcing it on her and making her constantly insecure is certainly not helping.

ChristieFox 220 S 6h3m

Basically this. No one should force you to face this before you're ready to do so.

I think the BF is disrespectful. OP has made it clear this is a boundary for her. Making OP feel insecure about a boundary is not okay. Whatever his intentions are, it is a big problem for OP and he doesn't seem to get it or at the very least accept that this is something that is not his decision to make.

CrashB4ng 72 6h17m

This is post should be higher. Spot on. BF is trying but he needs to remember that he’s supposed to be doing this for OP and his attempts are missing the mark. Intention does not equal impact.

la_reinalucy 2 10h12m

Perfectly said.

humanhedgehog 43 8h55m

Women are not there to make other people feel comfortable and good about themselves. She has no obligation to make him feel like a "good boyfriend" by pretending she feels good about something she really doesn't like. I totally agree with you and I'm tired of the implication that women please men irrespective of what that means for them.

Sociable_Tard 235 5h16m

No. OP’s boyfriend is disrespecting OP’s wishes over something that she is very uncomfortable about. This isn’t a fucking Disney movie, she doesn’t have flaunt her scars and spout self-love shit and wear funky colored prosthetics every day of the week if she doesn’t want to. Accepting who you are is different from “embracing uniqueness”. I suffered a traumatic eye injury and am now half blind with a very visible scar on my actual eyeball. I don’t really care about it anymore and have adapted to it and I would feel really fucking uncomfortable if my boyfriend told me he loved me anyway and how special I am and how beautiful i am despite my injury. And I would get really upset really fast if I told said boyfriend I didn’t appreciate it and I’d rather him not touch the affected area and he continued to do so out of some self-centered desire to make me “love and accept myself.” Long story short it doesn’t matter why OP’s boyfriend keeps bringing it up, it just matters that OP is made uncomfortable by it and despite saying so several times boyfriend continues to do it and she should “be grateful”.

chihuahua-mama 135 5h44m

Yeah, he’s making himself the hero of the movie he’s written, directed, and starred in. He’ll save her by loving her into loving herself, or by helping her love herself by making her cover her scars to build up her self esteem. Yuck.

JJgalaxy 52 7h28m

There is nothing more annoying and self centered to me then a person who asks "How can I help" and then proceeds to do the exact opposite of what you tell them. Like after a death they insist on bringing over food when you really, really just want to be left alone.

VeeRook 224 6h34m

My leg didn't grow properly and is severely scarred. It's been that way my whole life. Some things you can never 100% accept.

My SO, for the most part, acts as if my leg is just a leg. We met online and I warned him about it beforehand, but he's never made it a big deal. We talk about the illness that made it that way, but we don't usually discuss my leg or how it looks. There's no reason to. I joke about it frequently, but SO knows that I'm not okay with other people making fun about it. If he was giving it special attention like OP's boyfriend is, I would get very annoyed very quickly.

It's her face. She gets to deal with it how she wants.

trelium06 64 7h52m

This is the correct answer.

Everyone just wants be treated like they’re normal

Aeolun 2 12h32m

Everyone can be treated like they’re normal, but that doesn’t mean everybody will be treated the same.

no_mo_usernames 30 8h28m

Exactly. I have a similar issue and if my spouse brought it up, even to say it isn’t bothersome or it’s cute, I would hate it. People already stare at me sometimes. I don’t need my spouse also mentioning it. I know it’s there. Leave it alone.

Hedgehogian 30 8h42m

Yeah my best friends boyfriend is very insecure about his eye sight.. I didn’t realize this as he’s made jokes about it before! So I made a poor eyesight joke and ended up really hurting his feelings..): instead of telling him to lighten up or be grateful I could accept him I just apologized and never joked about it again. It’s literally that easy.

To note he doesn’t just have like..regular bad eyesight. He’s had multiple eye surgeries to get to the level of sight he’s at now and it’s still not good at all. Without the surgeries he’d most likely be blind now.

AnimalCartoons 12 10h27m

Exactly. Im young and have pretty bad arthritis in my hip. Can you see it? No. But on bad days you can see me limp and I dont want to be called out on it. I dont want to talk about whether or not Ive taken anything for the pain (and when I say 'no' god bless my patience as people try to shove drugs down my throat that I know wont work on me or with the pain im experiencing. Yes ive tried explaining it, people just dont seem to understand theres different types of pain). I also dont want to have my hip caressed and told I walk like a supermodel or something. I pictured my SO doing that and I could see myself laughing, yelling, and (proverbially) punching him in the face.

Just leave me be. Leave my hip be. Pretend like Im normal because thats all i wanna be.

OP's BF leave your GFs face be. She set boundaries, she said no - god damn listen to her. TBH having just typed that, thats ALL THAT SHOULD MATTER. Screw every other argument.

aworldwithinitself 156 5h12m

Bzzt! Wrong! You know who gets to decide how OP feels about OP's scars? OP. Nobody else. She has communicated a boundary clearly and the boyfriend has made a point of continuing to cross the boundary. When OP called him out on it, he doubled down rather than accepting that boundary. He's not her therapist, he's supposed to be her partner. If she wants to change the way she feels about her scars through therapy, that's also her choice, not the boyfriends. The issue she wants help with is her boyfriend's behavior, she's not saying to anyone "please help me find serenity about my disfigurement". All of the self-help vocabulary and authority on someone else's personal issues you have deployed are beside the point, and the way you put responsibility on OP to allow the boyfriend to trespass on her boundaries to allow him "time to get to the point" of respecting her is actually disturbing. The issue is one of respecting boundaries. I see his "should be grateful" comment as a red flag.

benv138 154 5h16m

Wow. Please OP ignore this reply.

Asking someone to not touch your scar is a perfectly normal reaction. OP has made it clear that she doesn’t like being touched there. Most guys make the same distinction about their asshole, do they need to come to terms with gender roles and masculine identity?

OP has clear boundaries and actually has a very healthy understanding of them. But I’m sure the mansplaining is appreciated.

smokeinthecockpit 72 7h25m

Well at least you have empathy, for the boyfriend... OP is 19 with severe facial scaring and a glass eye, that she received as a young teen (you know when someone is mentally developing who they are still). Her scars are the first thing that greet everyone she sees and meets. That's A LOT to deal with for a teenager, and she's just asking that her boyfriend be the one person who just treats her like a normal human being. She's set it as a boundary, a healthy boundary that he continually ignores. It's not his job to "fix" OP it's his job to treat her how she wants to be treated. This guy suggests she wear a Phantom of the Opera mask and constantly brings up/touches her scars and your advice to her is to "give HIM time"? Every woman I've dated has had boundaries of things they didn't want touched, be it feet, thighs, stomach, or ears. You know what I did? I didn't touch those areas. Why, you ask? Because they didn't want to be touched there.

OP, you've set boundaries and clearly stated how your boyfriend should treat your scars, he has ignored those boundaries and continued to treat you exactly how you've asked not to be treated. When confronted about his behaviors his response was "you should be grateful". He's made his stance clear, he's not willing to respect your boundaries and thinks he's doing you a favor and "fixing" you by doing it. It's now time to decide if you want an SO that thinks you're broken and need to be fixed (and wearing a mask is the best way to fix you????) or find one that accepts you as you are. I don't think I'd put up with it, but I can't make that decision for you.

marsglow 6 11h35m

You are a rare jewel.

[deleted] 59 5h45m

Hey boyfriend is (presumably) not a therapist. He's forcing attention on her that she explicitly told him she doesn't want. Therapists don't work that way, and for good reason.

TheHoadinator 35 7h2m

Those things are healthy when it's the person's CHOICE, not forced on her by strangers on reddit, society's expectations, or a partner.

[deleted] 30 6h42m

Um, it's definitely on the boyfriend for blatantly ignoring her requests for him to ignore it. It's not his place to decide that he needs to "help her" get over it or whatever. He doesn't get to decide that for her.

GeekyAine 27 8h58m


10000% did not get that impression at all. His attitude sounds like guys who say shit like "you gotta try fucking more fat chicks because they work harder for it and all you have to do is tell them they're beautiful because no one else probably has."

It really, really feels like he's using how "accepting" he is to boost his own ego. Actually there's a ton of good articles about how men who give disingenuous compliments get shitty when women don't "react right" (this is a decent one: https://www.scarymommy.com/twitter-thread-chivalry-culture/). It's completely about how good she's supposed to be making him feel about the compliments he's giving.

And the fucking narcissism of that is why he doesn't stop or give a shit about physical boundaries she's trying to set (IDGAF if it's not overtly sexual "don't touch me like that" means don't fucking touch her like that, Jesus, this creep isn't even on board with no means no).

But he keeps doing it over and over and over because he wants that rom com moment of "oH mY gOd nO oNe HaS eVeR seEN mY TrUe bEaUty LikE yOu!"

OP, dtmfa. If he ignores clear boundaries about trauma and touch, then odds are he's not worth it. And trying to fix or educate people like that isn't something you want to have to do before someone who's supposed to be a partner stops trashing your quality of life.

yazoosirius 3 16h8m

Thank you. I can’t believe yours is the first comment I’ve found floating the idea that the scar actually really bugs him a lot and he thinks he’s somehow doing her a favor by “overlooking” it when in fact he’s purposely doing the opposite. Really skeeves me out, tbh

[deleted] 17 6h44m

hes the one making it a big booming issue. if he'd just respect her request that they don't talk about it there wouldn't be a problem.

swarleyknope 13 8h23m

It’s not up to other people to decide how OP should feel about her scar.

That mindset is similar to able-bodied people trying to “reframe” disabilities as being “differently abled” instead of disabled. It’s pretty patronizing and kind of condescending.

riprabbiteen 7 10h35m

I could not disagree with you more. Yes, it would be healthy for OP to learn to accept her visible scars and expect people to be fascinated by them. (Much easier said than done) However, she has told her SO to stop dwelling on them and for that reason alone, he should. It is clear he is trying to either convince himself that he accepts it or is trying to get some morality points for constantly proclaiming that he does. These are HER scars, HER story and she has told him repeatedly not to make a big deal about it and he persists on doing so. His head is stuck up his ass.

ace_of_sppades 6 9h56m

Give your boyfriend time to get to that point.

how much time? Hes had 6 months to stop doing a this and he is still doing it and getting angry that he's still being told to stop.

buffal0gal 5 11h13m

He is NOT the arbiter of her mental health. It's not his role to make her "get over" anything. She has a boundary about touching and brining up her physical differences. He needs to honor that very healthy boundary.

OldSlug 3 11h46m

We all have stuff we can't or don't want to deal with, and we all have the right to define personal boundaries about that stuff.

Ignoring OP's clearly laid out boundaries is not loving or helpful, it is disrespectful, and lashing out at someone who purposefully disrespects your boundaries is a perfectly reasonable response.

ChipNoir 3 13h49m

Yeah, no. Respecting boundaries are part of a relationship. Nobody has a right to breach that. How she chooses to deal with her scars is not your business, and your advice on that was not solicited. You are out of line. She didn't ask for your diagnosis.

postcardmap45 1 16h17m

The bf doesn’t have to act like he’s doing her a mighty blessed service by “loving” her scars. That’s condescending. Even if some can’t view that as disrespectful, it still goes directly against her boundaries and expressed wishes.

He chooses to “look past” (he’s actually bringing more attention to it) something she’s struggling with—especially after she has repeatedly told him how to interact with it—because he thinks his way is better than hers. That’s really the crux of the problem, but it’s her face. She’ll come to terms with it as quickly or as slowly as she wants to. You can’t prescribe a recipe to someone on how to deal with their personal traumas.

RoryJSK 1 19h57m

Things said in a heated argument are not necessarily things meant

Helloshutup 8 7h37m

He is pushing the line on where he’s being helpful and harmful. OP should also look into therapy to not give herself an even bigger complex about the scarring and how to better manage her reactions. The scarring isn’t going away and you’ll always get looks and questions.

DDeadRoses 1 15h10m

Maybe he’s being very vague. She got the scars from a motorcycling accident. Him saying she should be grateful could mean that she should be happy to be alive.

scarletnightingale 3031 S x 3 G x 2 P 2h46m

I get what he is trying to do, and I also understand why it is making you upset. My mother also has significant facial scaring and is partially blind (from a combination of a birthmark, congenital syndrome, and attempts at corrective surgeries). If you feel comfortable, perhaps you can sit down with him one more time and explain that while you know he is trying to make you feel better he is making you feel worse because all you want is to be treated like everyone else. Acknowledge the scars if they come up for some reason, same with your blindness, but other than that, treat you as a normal person.

That's kind of what I learned growing up with my mom. We know that my mom is partially blind and we know she has scars. We don't dance around the issue and pretend that they aren't there, we just... most of the time aren't aware of them because that has been how she has always been. She isn't "mom who has scars", she is just "mom". I think that is what he doesn't understand. You want to just be you, his girlfriend, not "his girlfriend with scars" which is what he is making you feel and that is the point you need to make to him. You just want to be his girlfriend, not his girlfriend with scars. If he still refuses to listen, then it might be time to move on. I am a bit concerned though about the part where he said you should feel grateful. That is what makes me wonder if you will be able to get through to him, because right now he seems to think you should feel grateful that he is making efforts to pretend everything is okay, when really, everything should just be okay and he shouldn't be pretending.

charliebeanz 1615 S G 8h10m


mic drop

red_quinn 256 G 9h9m

I'd give you gold if i had 😖😅

EDIT * thank you kind redditor who gave me gold 😭😁 first gold 😁✌🏻

Lancerux 49 14h41m

I gave him silver, all i had from my past gold. Now you have gold and you can give him another silver! Hey 2 silvers are like 1 gold eh?

99muppets 31 15h7m

“i’d give gold if i had”. Has the option to give silver, but doesn’t.

ASL4theblind 7 17h33m

"2/5 stars

would give 10 if i could"

99muppets 2 15h7m

everyone would give everyone gold if they had it. I hate these low effort fucking replies.

AlwaysHopelesslyLost 2 13h31m

I mean... those things should be OK/normal but if they aren't for him the next best thing he can do is pretend.

You can't control your feelings but you can control your actions

death_on_time 465 S 12h28m

I think in addition to the rest of the great advice on here, it's important to make him realize/try to explain that if you really want to make someone feel better, you need to do it on their terms, instead of ignoring what they actually need in favor of what you think is the "correct" way to be comforted.

TiLoupHibou 41 14h5m

This times one million and more! <3

FuckingReditor 71 4h36m

they said in the post that they have asked him not to talk about the scars

scarletnightingale 1 1d3h15m

When I said "talking about scars" I mean only if it is necessary. We don't sit around and talk about my mom's scars, but sometimes she needs to remind us that she can't see on one side of her or that she won't be comfortable going out without her make up on yet. Honestly, it is really that we forget that she is partially blind (again because we don't really look at her and see that most of the time) so we have to be reminded so I don't do something like point which way to turn when we are in the car because she can't see me pointing. That is about the extent of us talking about it. Or I talked to my current SO about it briefly before I introduced him so he would be aware, he would know what happened, and he shouldn't bring it up. That's all I meant when I said "if it comes up".

schoolyjul 52 11h53m

Excellent reply!

OP is just fine as is. BF fingering scars when asked not to and "You should be grateful!"

We're all damaged. His behavior is cruel and manipulative.

We all have damage and scars. OP, don't waste your time and energy on a "friend" who always brings you down.

[deleted] 1 12h51m


JayString 5 13h9m

They just told you in that comment you replied to.

[deleted] 3 13h13m


showmethekebabvan 2 19h46m

You don't have to mean it to be a prick

SpencerWS 14 15h27m

I think differently on his “grateful” comment- I think he felt insulted that his efforts to affirm were received opposite of how he wanted them to be received. I think thats a fair reaction, but its not a reaction that shows understanding of what you’re experiencing in this issue. Hopefully in a more sober moment he will be willing to understand instead of take offense- and perhaps you could do that as well as you work through this.

Boywholosthisname 3 14h53m

Nothing to do with the post but I must say, this subreddit is one of the best discoveries in my last year. It is actually so amazing to see different people with different views on each situation, and people like you, who are able to word everything out so beautifully, unlike people like me, who can’t help but make things worse when giving advice even though the intention wasn’t to do so.

Sodahkiin 1 14h50m

You worded that so well goddamn

R264Awesome 1 14h53m


xenaontheflipside 1 15h47m

Not OP but I needed this. Thank you.

searpizza 742 8m

Was almost on his side (since some people do find scars very attractive) until the "grateful" part. Sounds like an asshole.

[deleted] 278 6h43m


kitkat9000take5 99 8h5m

Is it just me or does he sound like he's (somewhat?) fetishizing her scars?

It's probably just me but damn he needs to shut up and listen to OP.

Edit: spelling & punctuation.

thatpatti 26 9h58m

This was my thought as well. I have a kid missing a hand and this reminds me of amputee “devotees”. Gross.

Bitter-ish 8 10h35m

Excuse me what

thatpatti 6 11h58m

I mean, there’s a rabbit hole you can follow if you’re looking for something weird and creepy to do. 🤷‍♀️

UnfulfilledAndUnmet 3 18h24m

Would Master like to bless me with another opportunity to rubbins your nubbins with more Vaseline??????

thatpatti 2 1d4h58m


saucisse 5 11h28m

That is absolutely what he is doing.

Mantequilla_Stotch -14 6h57m

Or someone who feels they are really trying to reassure their gf and feel dismissed constantly and hurt.

CookieCakesAreShit 47 7h29m

I have some really gnarly moles on my face. I hate them, but can't afford to have them removed. When I was a kid, I was called names and teased, and my ugly fuckin' face was definitely part of it. It took me a while to come to terms with them, but you know what didn't help? The stupid guy I dated who kept trying to make it poetic and call them my "constellations." He got mad when I told him to knock that shit off and, surprise, surprise, said I should be grateful he didn't mind them. This guy is telling her to do things accenting and emphasizing an aspect of herself she doesnt like? And you think he should be praised for that? Please, he sounds like a guy who'd date a girl in a wheelchair and expect praise for being so open minded.

If your partner says "I'm self conscious about this and don't like to really discuss it," it seems pretty arrogant to assume that you doing the exact opposite of what they want is going to magically change their point of view and isn't just some reeeeal boundary stomping.

searpizza 24 6h57m

If that was the case he wouldn't have said that she should feel grateful for being called beautiful

rarapatracleo 14 7h30m

Sounds like he was told repeatedly to stop talking about/touching the scars. When someone asks you to stop a behaviour that is hurting them you should listen.

sweetpotatochip-_- 4 9h2m

He has repeatedly crossed a boundary that OP has set. She asked him not to acknowledge them as she does not appreciate it being reminded, yet time and time again he has ignored this and done it anyway. Whether his intentions were good or not, OP's boyfriend has done something several times which she has asked him not to, and that isn't ok.

Mantequilla_Stotch 1 10h44m

I can agree but OP even said she needs to work on her anger and I can also take from context that each time she probably lashed out at him. Anyone in his shoes would feel hurt when they are trying to help only to be lashed out at by the person they care about.

sweetpotatochip-_- 3 11h12m

He shouldn't be doing it in the first place. OP said she made it clear that she wasn't ok with it, so when he continued to ignore this I'd say her anger is justified.

Mantequilla_Stotch 1 15h20m

I agree but again, it's a one sided post. Her making it clear is her opinion of what she think is making it clear. We only have what we read and I'm basing my opinion on human nature.

Astronaut_Queen 495 3h2m

You’ve told him multiple times you’re uncomfortable with him talking about/touching your scars, he completely ignored you and then blew up at you when it naturally made you upset. Fucking yikes.

GutenGamen 156 4h29m

This. I was looking for this comment. OP set a boundary and he broke it, multiple times. He wasn't getting the idea from you being nice about it, so you had every right to snap.

thrashaholic_poolboy 34 9h47m

He wants to be a hero

figgypie 26 11h3m

I hate those guys. They think that they can "help" a woman who doesn't need their white knight bullshit. If he wanted to be kind to her, he'd respect her wishes and boundaries and stop trying to force his affections on her.

Calligraphie 8 15h0m

But, like, that's what they do in the movies, so it works in real life, right?

Ruralraan 4 21h58m

Or feel good about themselves because they put up with 'damaged goods' - so they have to be a nice guyTM

Shelliton 37 9h3m

I was also looking for this comment.

I have significant abdominal scarring and was very self-conscious about having my shirt off until I was mid-20's and my brain switched over to "this is me, I do what I want".

But if anyone (anyone) did not respect my boundaries regarding them, they would be out. It is never okay for someone to touch you where you don't want to be touched.

oldcreaker 261 6h57m

You should point out that his "trying" doesn't appear to include listening to you or respecting your boundaries.

1tounderstandit 150 2h45m

He wants you to wear some kind of patterned prosthetic? Like, as in intended to draw MORE attention to it?! I get this vibe that he's the kind of guy who enjoys the social capital he gets from others by being with you. "What a great guy." I'm so sorry!

RoadRageCongaLine 97 4h52m

I was thinking he was trying to help her feel attractive in herself until that. Then I was like, "oooohhhh. I think it's a fetish."

Either way, he ain't being respectful of her boundaries. Not cool.

_N1ng3n 16 6h15m

I don’t think her boyfriend has a fetish for facial prostheses, that feels like a reach. There’s a lot of people with cool fashion prostheses and he was suggesting that she could get one, albeit in a not particularly sensitive way considering that she clearly doesn’t want to draw attention to her scars.

MrLizardBusiness 21 11h4m

Um, actually a lot of men have weird messed up fetish checklists. Ask any amputee, wheelchair user, partially paralyzed person etc. Anyone who is different in a pronounced way, especially a way that makes them vulnerable, is a fetish to some people. It might be more tame than that, maybe he thinks of her like the bionic woman or something, but it's still weird that he's accessorizing her disability instead of encouraging her to choose what makes her most comfortable and independent.

liliumluv 7 14h41m

Have you not heard of disabled devotees? It's a... something. And a fetish of disabled people, except it's typically got to do with boosting their own ego. I wonder when he is touching OPs face, or mentioning it? But honestly, the grateful comment is worrisome, fetish or not.

SquidgeSquadge 132 2h48m

To put it bluntly, not even going to go near the "grateful" comment;

He keeps touching you on your body where you have told him it is inappropriate to you and have told him to stop.

If he keeps touching you when you have asked/ told him to stop, he has crossed a fucking line. You are not his property, just because he is your bf he can't ignore your denial of consent to touch certain parts of your body.

benv138 95 5h21m

Lots of boys in here real confused about this.

Scar or not “don’t touch me there” is a clear as fuck message.

leftclicksq2 9 14h59m

The "grateful" comment comes off like he's treating her like a charity case. Like, come on, she's not stupid, and stop treating her like she's an animal in a fucking petting zoo you can just poke, prod, and coo at like, "Huhhh duh duh, so cute!"

je86753o9 127 5h5m

You set a boundary, and he’s ignoring it. When you become angry about it (rightly so), he directs it back at you.

This is a pattern of disrespect, no matter how well-intentioned.

mladypain 90 11m

He's trying to White Knight you. He wants to be the Nice Guy that dates/loves you even though you are unconventional looking (not saying you are, just that he's trying to make you feel that you are) so you'll be the Forever Grateful Damsel in Distress.

Or he has a fetish for scarification and is trying to put that on you.

ThrowRA29837 52 16m

That's fucking creepy

mladypain 36 28m

And ridiculously annoying as well - you are so much more than your scars!

Years ago I had a guy once run his finger over my newly healed appendectomy scar and look at me with big puppy dog eyes, "was it traumatic?" he asked with trembling hopeful voice. People are weird.

oberon 3 19h58m

Oh God, I briefly dated a woman who treated my deployment to Iraq similarly. It was nauseating and really killed the attraction.

Pentatonikus 7 2h36m

This is so far from what’s happening you need to get out more

Nightshade301 81 3h7m

The fact that he keeps stepping over your boundaries, good intentions or not, are still stepping over your boundaries. You might want to bring someone in or go to a relationship counselor that will help you to get him to realize that while his intentions are good he still needs to go at your pace and respect your boundaries in regards to your scar. If that doesn't work you might want to consider leaving him if he can't respect those boundaries.

socialjusticecleric7 42 4h12m

I think this is overall great advice, except that I think it is very rarely a good idea to start seeing a couple's counselor at 6 months in unless both parties have a "this is the one" sense and it's for preventative reasons, not in reaction to a current problem. Relationships take work, but some relationships take way too much work. (Also, they're 19 and 21, they almost certainly can't afford a couple's counselor.)

rshipsmodsarepussies 76 2h36m

He's making so much effort he can't even listen to your simple request to stop..

It's only been 6 months, he's one of those men that knows better what women want even after they've fucking told him the opposite. This isn't going anywhere good.

He can't listen to a you on a very basic level so what's the point?

I think you should get therapy though, maybe one day you'll be fine with your own scars. There might be some plastic surgery options you could get in future?

jolie178923-15423435 46 6h9m


This is the problem, right here.

2sayornot2say 56 3m

Sounds like a miscommunication. His version of tryin is not what you’d like to see. “Effort” to you is for him to stop talking about it. Hopefully if you frame it that way, it’s clear that you don’t need to be grateful for anything - until he does what you ask. If he seriously wants to try he will stop.

Mad-Hettie 54 5h28m

The next time he does it you need to tell him to leave. When he tries to feed you some lines about making you feel beautiful and how you should be grateful, just stick to this line, "You keep touching me where I told you I don't want to be touched. It doesn't matter whether it's my scars, my elbow, or my asshole. If I say don't put your finger there, you need to stop doing it. Since you aren't going to respect that, you need to leave." If he tries to argue about intentions, don't let him. Stick to the point that it's your body, and you set the boundaries.

a_username_8vo9c82b3 52 1h39m

I should be grateful he's trying.

  • insert confused nick young meme * He's NOT trying!! You told him not to touch your scars or bring them up, and then he promptly begins to touch your scars and bring them up. He doesn't need to try anything because you already told him exactly what to do.

Like if you told him you wanted chocolate chip cookies and then handed him your favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe, and then he got on the internet and started searching for oatmeal cookie recipes that wouldn't count as trying either.

His actions and attitude seem to imply that he thinks he knows more than you what is best for you, which is frankly patronizing.

[deleted] 32 3h44m

I think the core issue you have here is that you've set a reasonable boundary and he's not respecting it.

That's an issue and you're going to need to figure out how you want to deal with his boundary-stomping. A boundary is only as strong as the person upkeeping it. Most people distance themselves from people who don't respect their boundaries as a way to enforce it.

dancingjiujitsu 18 6h38m

This. If it was any other part of her body such as her breasts, butt, inner thigh, etc., we would all be extremely be upset about the lack of respect of boundaries with or without a scar. It doesn't matter what his intent is, he is not listening to her. No one should be grateful for a person loving them "even with a scar".

snackychan_ 19 6h52m

That’s exactly how I feel about it. If your significant other had a very small penis and you were completely happy and satisfied with it... why would you ever bring up how small it is. Just to let him know that you know? To let him know how accepting you are of it, how it’s something that needs to be accepted? No. If you’re really fine with something, ESPECIALLY if you’ve been asked to not talk about it, there’s no reason to talk about it.

chubchubchaser 32 7h29m

I don’t understand why some people are saying they agreed with your bf until the “you should be grateful part.” You’ve told him multiple times that you’d rather ignore it and focus on other things, but he clearly wanted to be the “white knight” and force you to address it every time he touches it/comments on it. If he wanted to make you more comfortable, he would’ve just respected your wishes.

I’ve had exes do this and it was a manipulative way to start controlling me. They made me feel guilty for being mad at them when all they wanted was to “do something nice” for me so I should be grateful. But if they wanted to be nice, they would’ve just listened to what I told them the first time around.

I’m not saying this is what your bf is doing, but just be aware that small things like this could turn into something like what happened to me.

leftclicksq2 7 15h19m

What bothers me is the multiple times she's told him as well. Scar or no scar, just because two people are in a relationship doesn't give either free license to go over personal boundaries. He's ALWAYS pointing out her scar and when he traces his finger over it, he might as well be asking her scar how its day went.

I totally agree with you about the controlling. I had an ex who wouldn't hold my hand (haha), yet he would move his hand to my butt and rub it in public (the time he did it in front of my parents I wanted to slap him). No matter how many times I would tell him that it's inappropriate and he really pissed me off, he would grin and exclaim, "But it's such a cute BUTT!"

It got to the point where I just couldn't trust him to take me seriously and stop treating me like a piece of property. Unfortunately when things came to a head, I went to slap his hand away and he threw me down on my back. Yeah, not a pleasant memory in the slightest. Our relationship was done.

Overall, I hope OP can take all of this advice and get through to him that this is NOT ok. He owes her that much if he really and truly cares about her!

morbidnerd 3 23h35m

This! I've also had exes exhibit this behavior and every single one of them was an asshole. That's exactly what I thought when I read it.

Desert_Fairy 29 1h16m

I don’t think this one is going to work out, but I also think you should talk to a therapist. Your level of sensitivity to your scaring indicates a deeply traumatized mind. He is triggering the trauma every time is touches/mentions the scarring.

Basically he is treating you like you are totally healed, while infact he is rubbing salt in your emotional wounds.

Either he needs to understand that that emotional scar is still healing or he needs to go. And you need to do yourself a favor and talk to a professional who may be able to help you come to terms with your scars and how your appearance has changed. Facial trauma is some of the worst I hear because of how much we identify ourselves in the mirror. Having that reflection change can cause lasting trauma to one’s sense of self and confidence.

Good luck.

EverStars 1 8h49m

I can’t believe there aren’t more people saying this. I think everyone else has said everything that needs to be said about him but this is really something you need to work on. It sounds like you have a ton of built up anger and resentment over your injury and deep issues like this will ALWAYS be toxic in any relationship you have going forward even if you have someone who completely ignores it like you want. You really need to see a therapist to work out these issues.

NorseGreek 20 3h50m


Pick an insecurity he has (and if you don't know then penis size is always a thing) How would you feel if I kept saying, " I love your micropenis." "It's so small! <3" "You should be grateful Im saying nice things about your micropenis!!"

Uh no. I know you're trying to be helpful but what you're doing is pouring salt in an open wound for me. You can think it just don't say it. I will cope with my shit in my own time.

Also a therapist might help girl whenever you're ready. <3

[deleted] 16 1h7m

That grateful comment is the most telling, he was clearly trying to be Good Guy by dating the girl with a scar and thought you ought to be thankful for someone being willing to date you.

You're not a charity case, you dont need his pity dates, and you certainly dont need someone ignoring your wishes regarding touching and talking about your scars. If you really like him, give him one more chance to get on board with your wishes otherwise throw the whole man out and find someone who respects you.

As a sidenote, i recommend talking to someone, they could help you manage/process your feelings so you can express it better.

littleghostwhowalks 13 5h20m

This is simple. He needs to respect your boundaries. If he cannot do that, he is an ass.

skwerldom 13 7h2m

It's your scar, you get to say. Period.

belletheballbuster 13 7h47m

I'm reminded of my friend whose white BF wouldn't stop mentioning they were a biracial couple. Eventually she got sick of it and then they were biracial singles.

princesstatted 2 13h32m

I sometimes forget I’m in a biracial couple until someone treats my husband like shit because he’s Hispanic. To me he’s just my husband to my family he’s just family. To his family though I’m painfully reminded I’m an outsider and he married “outside his race”.

__802__ 11 1h4m

sounds like you need some therapy

VulpixVixen 10 8h7m

"When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't" - Louie c.K

CoolNewName 9 2h56m

Your bf did nothing wrong and everyone here is on crazy pills.

This woman just described herself as "scared, missing a piece, lesser" and we are going to sit here and yell at a man who wanted to reassure her? Are we fucking crazy here?

Some people are saying he has a scarface fetish? Goddamn you assholes are the worst.

The man simply likes you are wants to reassure your beauty because you are the only one believing you are not beautiful.

Yes you should be grateful you have someone who wants to treasure every part of you. Get some therepy and everyone else here too. Holy hell.

Barnabas-Basil 31 3h38m

Others don't get to decide what you yourself should be grateful for. If she doesn't want any kind of mention about it, she has every right to demand him not to do so. Treasuring every part of her can also mean not mentioning stuff she wants to forget, not make a big deal out of it. She wants to be treated normal, not special.

socialjusticecleric7 25 4h9m

Her personal growth is hers. He doesn't get to decide for her what her personal growth looks like. Neither do you. He needs to respect her autonomy. She's specifically told him he doesn't want him to touch or talk about her scars. He is repeatedly ignoring her wishes.

Weird analogy time: if the other kids in middle school had called her some mean nickname and he tried to get her to make peace with that nickname by calling her that name a lot and she hated it, she would be right to be upset at him. This is a similar thing. There's something that causes her emotional pain, she wants him to not metaphorically poke at it, he keeps poking at it. Not OK.

Also, if someone has a mental illness, trying to medicate it is generally a good thing. Probably some of us are on "crazy pills" but that has nothing to do with our judgement.

jolie178923-15423435 18 6h11m

You're on crazy pills. She doesn't want him to perpetually draw attention to her scars, and he keeps fucking doing it. He is completely disrespecting a basic boundary she's setting, over and over. Why the fuck should she be grateful to a person who thinks he knows better than SHE does about her own fucking body?

benv138 9 5h17m

The person who needs therapy lives in your mirror

phrazel 1 9h5m

Amazing truths post right here!

Viviaana 9 3h29m

What an absolute bellend, he needs to respect your decision and leave it the fuck alone, you don't need to be grateful for reassurance you never asked for and he's a being selfish and arrogant to just ignore your requests, don't feel bad about snapping it's totally understandable, if you wanna fix it just explain it when you're calm.but if he still doesn't get it then bin him off, he's not worth it

throwaway01938472929 9 3h58m

You weren’t unfair. He’s the one who’s not trying at all, while you’ve been TELLING him over and over that it makes you uncomfortable. He just doesn’t not respect you or your boundaries. I’m sure he’s great at any other moment or you wouldn’t be so torn up about this, but from how it sounds this is a serious issue for you. If he cared enough to respect you fully, he’d be willing to keep this to himself and stop touching things he shouldn’t.

If he’s trying to blame you from his lack of respect then who knows what else he’s willing to blame you for?

paintedLady318 9 6h38m


Did 287 people really downvote OP for expressing how she personally feels about scars after her traumatic experience, and her understandibly not seeing how they could be attractive?

That's fucking harsh.

-NixiePixie- 9 6h52m

"You should be grateful" is bullshit. He is doing what HE thinks will make you feel better instead of actually listening to what you are telling him would make you feel better aka ignoring them and leaving you alone. It is time to sit down and have a real discussion on this. I know you already have,but it sounds like he needs to be told it again. Explain exactly what you said here. You don't want to be reminded of them. Him touching them brings your headspace back to that day and such. You appreciate he thinks you are beautiful and such, but this is NOT helpful to you.

zorbz23431 9 8h23m


So when are you breaking up with this heartless loser who's unfit to smell your farts? I hope it's soon.

benv138 8 5h25m

Don’t listen to “nice guys” here telling you to be grateful and that you need therapy.

You have a clear understanding of what bothers you and have made your boundaries known. Most people in their 30s struggle with that so you’re ahead of the curve.

You’re not exaggerating. It’s not in your head. This is a valid and reasonable reaction to having your physical boundaries ignored.

Doesn’t mean he’s a creep or worse, just that he’s not as mature as you. He, like me at his age, thinks being in a relationship means fixing/saving your GF. Hopefully he learns quicker than I did.

Good luck, but you don’t need it. You’re amazing.

squeaktoy_la 8 6h21m

Red Fucking Flag!

I have a few scars on my face (also bike-related) and vitiligo also on my face. MOST people don't notice. At 19 I felt like everyone noticed all the time, now that I'm 34 I know that most people are wrapped up in their own lives too much to notice. My mother, sister, ex-husband, and ex Nboyfirend made it out to be THE BIGGEST DEAL. I'd get told, "you're so beautiful... just... (sigh)... if it weren't for...". Yeah. No. People like that are the same people who believe that you need to put others down to feel better about yourself. Run.

DouglassFunny 8 6h28m

If he doesn’t respect your boundaries then he might not be right for you.

If you set a boundary where you’re uncomfortable with him touching the scars on your face, it’s not too far off of him groping your private area. Point being, it’s a boundary you set that’s within your comfort zone and he’s violating it.

He needs to realize that you know you’re valuable and beautiful. He’s not the only person who finds you beautiful, so he needs to stop acting like he’s special for finding beauty in your faults. Ask him how he would like it if you constantly pointed out his insecurities?

kiss-shot 8 7h42m

He's trying? trying to do what? Overstep boundaries that you've very openly erected? Trying to make you feel bad by making light of something that actively makes you insecure? Does he want you to feel grateful for even having a bf, since you're apparently 'different'?

Man, fuck that guy. If he wouldn't do that to a stranger then he shouldn't do that to you.

devlifedotnet 8 7h54m

Sounds like you need some form of therapy, and lose the BF too.

The initial attempt by your BF to offer reassurance is, i think, something most decent human beings trying to build a romantic relationship would do.

But once you tell him (repeatedly by the sound of it) to not mention it or bring it up etc, then most decent people would try to respect that decision. There may be the odd time, he accidentally touches it, but he shouldn't be making a big deal out of it like it sounds like you are saying he is. It's a boundary you have set and he is not respecting that.

HOWEVER, it also sounds like you haven't properly dealt with what happened to you. I think it would be worth looking at consulting a therapist if you can, to help you work this through so that in future it doesn't become a bigger issue than it needs to for you. It sounds like you're just trying to bottle it up and hide it away, which just isn't healthy.

so yes your boyfriend is being an ass, but you probably need to work things through yourself before you're ready for a relationship where you can be intimate in that way with someone.

6ft3isme 7 2h0m

It sounds like he meant what he said. You should be grateful he is trying to make you more comfortable with the scars. Obviously a bad choice of words. But I think you need therapy. You are way sensitive about your scars and what happened. Acting like they aren't there isn't healthy. And snapping on someone for talking about them is rediculous. I think you need to accept your physical appearance before you can expect anyone to understand it.

midimaker78 7 3h44m

Nah you're not being unfair. If you've repeatedly asked him not to then he should leave well enough along. Otherwise it seems like he is doing it on purpose being some kind of over-the-top niceguy.

DeathBahamutXXX 7 4h0m

He doesn’t see you as a person. He sees you as a prop to make himself look better. “Look how kind I am, look how unique my GF is”

TatianaAlena 7 4h32m

Time to break up with him. Six months is when your true colors start to come out.

Askingsomquestions 2 7h25m

Classic reddit. Op, this is horrible advice, you can do many more things before this.

TatianaAlena 4 7h27m

Why would she bother with an idiot like this, though? He violated her boundaries.

Flea-2B 7 6h34m



BanannyMousse 7 8h10m

You should be grateful? Why? Is he doing you some kind of favor by being with you?

He should learn some boundaries and listening skills. He’s not trying; he’s ignoring you. How about doing as you ask?

helendestroy 6 4h43m

Honestly it sounds like he's got a fetish.

You've set a boundary and he's told you directly that it's more important for him to ignore it.

[deleted] 6 5h19m

He knows you detest the scars and he could have just acknowledged that it is a problem for you and interact in a way that you are comfortable with.

But he is trying to reassure you and frame it in a positive way, trying to communicate it does not matter to him and he loves you as a complete package.

He is obviously trying to make you feel better about it. I think he is trying to kind of talk you into feeling less awkward and more confident about it all, build your self-esteem and all that.

The problem is that you stated from the very start that you are not interested in the good Samaritan approach. And he ignores it because he believes he is right. And when you eventually snap about, he feels offended.

I understand that he feels unappreciated and that he has good intentions, but he has to get over that. He consistently pushed and crossed your boundaries.

Being persistent and pushy will not make someone who detests something one day change their mind about it. It will likely only add more stress and pressure because you are constantly reminded of it in a way that is unpleasant for you.

I don't think just forgetting and moving on will help when something has left an impact, been traumatic or life-changing in some way. But that does not mean he gets to decide when and how you approach the issue. That is all up to you, even if you decide not to get any help from a professional. He needs to respect that instead of forcing the issue.

SithLordJediMaster 6 6h7m

Break up

Him saying it's not a big deal and that you should be grateful makes it sound like he's an entitled asshole. He's not respecting your boundaries and now he's insulting you.

I say break up with him before this escalates and he blows up.

Geezer132 6 8h23m

Well there are plenty of men that would respect the fact you don’t want to think about the scars and completely forget it, it seems your boyfriend can’t when you finally lose your patience at his lack of effort to change it all becomes about you and how ungrateful you are that’s a red flag revealed I guess don’t think that personality trait will change.

mcr_8998 6 11h33m

Sounds like he’s the one that has an issue with the scarring imo. It’s like he’s proud of himself for being supportive. Pretty shitty. Like the other comments, you should just be his gf, not gf with scars

kaysharp1782 5 3h48m

It sounds like he wants to help you his way and not the way you would prefer. But his way doesn’t work for you. What if you said “A for effort but the way you are going about this doesn’t work for me. I need to to listen to what I need and try to accommodate that.”

If you are so tired of the issue that you don’t want to talk to him about it any more then think about ending things. People in a relationship have to communicate.

[deleted] 5 4h3m

He clearly has a problem respecting a boundary you set. He doesn't get to police how you feel about your own scars. If you don't want to talk about them or have them touched, he needs to respect that.

hotelcalif 5 6h17m

Omg you are definitely not being unfair. It’s good that you blew up at him. Continue to do so when he crosses the boundaries you set. Do not let him get away with crossing those boundaries. No matter how much he tries to throw it back in you.

macimom 5 6h37m

I guess the problem is he doesn't get just how serious it is to me..... he went off saying that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and I should be grateful he's trying.

The problem isn't that he doesnt get it. he gets it and he.just.doesnt.give.a.damn.how he is making you feel.

Honestly I would give him one more chance and I would be HARSH about it.

BF, I have told you numerous times how much I dislike this. Yet you insist on continuing to do something I have told you not to do. There are only two possibilities-either you are a moron and just dont understand or you think you know better than I know what is best for me which is so mind boggling arrogant and disrespectful I cant wrap my brain around it. SO which is it?

Then just let him answer. But honestly, the sounds super immature and exhausting. You may be happier without him thats you are with him. Something to think about.

twoisnumberone 5 7h0m

What a piece of work. Is he the one gaslighting you into thinking you’re “snappy” too?

peaches_peachs 5 7h0m

Strangely my new bf and I had a short discussion about my scars. I mentioned that he was the only partner I'd had who didn't ask about them. Id mentioned about not touching a certain scar on my thigh cause it has nerve damage and if it's touched in a certain way I want to vomit but he'd never asked. He told me that he assumed if I wanted to talk about it I would. I much prefer it this way. A recent ex of mine would stroke and kiss my scars and I hates it. I'm not broken. Its just skin and it's been there for years! I explained to him that I didn't like it but there was still a couple times he would be more affectionate towards my scars than I liked

ThePamcakes 5 7h4m

Stroke his penis, tell him it’s okay and that he can get a strap on or something to cover it. One with pretty patterns.

BabyGothQ 5 7h8m

Grateful he’s trying? Trying to do.. what?

You’ve told him it pisses you off. So basically he’s just admitted that’s he’s trying to piss you off lol

Or someone he knows is telling him that you don’t want him to talk about it or touch them because you’re insecure or something and he should just try anyways so you feel beautiful and worthy or some bullshit.

Tell him that you’re not trying to fish for compliments when you tell him to stop. You just want him to stop.. period. Point blank.

vousmetouchez 5 7h33m

I keep seeing so many comments about how you need therapy, how your bf is good intentioned and just felt hurt by you lashing out at him, and I really can't understand why is it so hard for people to grasp the concept of boundaries. Yes, it is one thing that at some point you might need to come to terms with your scars, but that doesn't make it automatically okay for your bf to constantly overstep your boundaries just because, what? He's trying to help you? He's genuinely concerned about you not loving yourself? That's bullshit. Boundaries are healthy for people to have and they should ALWAYS be respected. Doesn't matter how good intentioned he is. You clearly set them and were clear about it and even so, he kept on disrespecting you. That is a huge flag.

ConvivialKat 5 8h15m

OP, this man is ignoring your body autonomy. He is specifically ignoring your stated desires about someone (anyone) touching a part of your body. He is also completely ignoring your request not to discuss this issue and is trying to force changes on you.

This isn't OK. It is your body and your decision to discuss this or not.

And worst of all, you "should be grateful."

Do you feel grateful? Do you want to continue dating someone who, effectively, negates you as a human? Do you think this pattern of behavior will get worse? If you continue to see him, will he start ignoring your other requests? Will he become controlling?

You see, you aren't the abnormal one in this relationship. Yes, you have scars from accident. But, he is the abnormal one for ignoring your body and emotional autonomy and just doing what he wants.

Think about it.

CeReAl_KiLleR128 4 3h54m

The problems here are your insecurity and low self-esteem. The man's trying his best to let you know he' okay with your scar. Don't get me wrong, i know he said some stupid shit that but you need to not taking everything so seriously. Men generally are slow on reading people. I understand that you just want to feel normal but avoid talking about it is not gonna help. Scars are normal things, people asking about them are normal.

QuarkWrites 4 4h45m

You weren't being unfair. You are allowed to set your own boundaries and you have done that very clearly with him, and he should be respecting them. His intentions might be good, but the fact that he said you should be grateful is not ok. You don't have to be grateful for unwanted attention, especially when he knows that it is unwanted.

I don't know that how you're dealing with your scars and prosthetic is necessarily the healthiest or best way to go about it, but it's up to you, and at most, it's between you and a therapist or counselor. Either way, it's certainly not up to him. He owes you an apology.

NeuroticAttic 4 4h54m

Your BF is being extremely disrespectful. You’ve told him no. Whatever his opinions on the matter are, when you tell him ‘don’t do this’ or ‘don’t say that’ he should accept that. Also, telling you you should be grateful? That is completely unacceptable.

King_of_the_sidewalk 4 5h17m

Tell him "if you want to make me feel beautiful then treat me as if my scars arnt there, dont highlight them"

spikeymist 4 6h5m

I hate it when someone thinks that you should be grateful that they are attracted to you, I have a stoma but I can hide it, I can't imagine how you manage to keep your temper on a daily basis.

Your BFs heart probably is in the right place, but that doesn't make it any less annoying and hurtful.

Moving forward, a soft ultimatum might help as it emphasises how strongly who feel about this.

allygatorpiii 4 6h15m

Wow I have a very similar situation. I was born without a soft spot and had numerous reconstructive surgeries, my last one being when I was 4 years old. I have a deformity on the right side of my face that I am extremely insecure about because growing up I was constantly bullied. Anyway in high school emo bangs were a thing and I noticed it covered my scarring/deformity. Now I don’t completely cover my eye but my bangs are pretty long to help hide it and makes Me feel so much better about myself; though I’m still not 100% satisfied for obvious reasons. One day my bf of 3 years told me it bother him how I wear my hair. I broke down & cried because it hurt me so bad. I was on the verge of breaking up with him because he knows my story and why I’m like that... it’s been 2 years since he’s ever made a stupid remark like that because he felt horrible. I’m so sorry about what your boyfriend said to you. You do not deserve that.

speedingcape 4 8h4m

Oh goodie , you should be grateful he keeps making you feel uncomfortable? What a turd , drop it down the bowl and swish.

BlakJak206 4 8h6m

What you need to do is just sit down with him, ask him which of his eyes is his least favorite, and then promptly remove it with a spoon so that he can put whatever stupid fucking prosthetic eye with weird patterns that he wants in there. Alternatively, you should tell him that you don't want him to help you "fix" yourself or feel better or whatever it is he's trying to do. Lots of guys have this thing programed in their head that they need to help fix their partners problems. They don't realize that sometimes women just want them to shut up and listen instead.

PHDbalanced 4 8h22m

He is not respecting your boundaries and that is worse than worse.

CuteThingsAndLove 4 8h29m

No. You told him a boundary and he is actively ignoring it. Its only 6 months, is this even worth it?

shazziewagtails 4 8h35m

Reminds me of my ex boyfriend telling me he “loved” my spots and didn’t want them to go away. My horrible acne that I hated. Told me how he enjoyed popping my spots and would even hold me down and go at them regardless of how painful it was for me, even though I didn’t want him to and cried out for him to stop

He’s an ex for a reason...

Edit to add: your bf is an arse

ancientflowers 4 9h15m

The two of you should not be in a relationship together.

WeedBitsNWitchesTits 4 9h28m

I was asking my husband's input on this, and I was telling him about the accident, the scars, he was nodding along. I said you've been dating someone and he has been messing with your scars, he kept nodding. I said you don't like it messed with, ect, more of the same. When I said that he snapped at you and said you should be grateful his eyes got wide, he held his hands up and said "woah, woah, woah, nope. Nope. That's more than a red flag, that's a red banner at the beginning of a red parade."

darkrider400 4 9h57m

You need therapy and he needs to respect the boundaries set by you. You need therapy to get out of the mindset that your scars are “horrible” and get your temper under control and he needs to learn when he’s breaking boundaries and going over the line. Yall both need work. Rare occurence in this shitfilled sub but someone’s gotta say it

MortisGrati 4 18h18m

Last year, I had my face ripped open by one of our dogs. It was traumatic on many levels as it resulted in the loss of this family member we raised since he was a puppy, and the loss of what I used to my advantage my whole life: my pretty face. That statement may sound vain to some, but you do not appreciate a “normal” face and its profound beauty and use in society until it is gone. I feel for you and understand your desire for normalcy. It will come in time, though I will admit patience and even temper are not strong suits of mine either. This has been a rough road of physical, mental, and emotional recovery.

My husband and I have known each other for over ten years now, and he will be the first to tell you that he has loved me since the day he first met me. After my accident, my face looked dramatically different, and I am still in the healing/surgery/healing/surgery loop, so it is an ongoing saga. One of the most difficult steps in my recovery was letting go of my insecurity with my husband, as both my friend and lover. I refused to open up about my feelings and it affected our relationship. He offered an incredible amount of support in countless ways, sacrificing his own mental health and processing of this trauma to be there for me. Still, even with his unconditional love and support, I was horrified by myself and my underlying body/self-image issues, coupled with my scars, webbing, and lacerations on my face culminated into a perfect storm of inner self loathing and denial of any positive praise from anyone... Especially from my husband and closest friends and family. Intimacy was excruciatingly difficult to maintain because of my self image and own acceptance of the injury.

To make my point, what helped me most overcome my own self hatred and disgust was NORMALIZATION from others!!!! This helped me to start to see past the scars for myself and find my new normal (I fucking hate this phrase so so much, but it is applicable as fuck, dammit). Those who I feel helped me the most did so by seeing past my scars, acknowledging (subconsciously, not verbally) that I was still the same person, despite my altered appearance. My husband has never once touched my scars or said anything even remotely along the lines of “these are beautiful” or “your scars make you strong”, or any other weirdness because he understands that would make me uncomfortable. He knows this because I have shared stories and experiences with others’ reactions and statements of my scars.

I agree with most people here that he is not doing this out of malice or ego, however. He clearly cares about you and knows you are self conscious about the scars by the statements he made. Nevertheless, the delivery of his message is not appropriate for you. It’s not how he’s saying it but what he is saying that needs adjustment. You are not crazy, and honestly demonstrate a lot of enhanced introspection by admitting that your short temper exacerbates his understanding of why this upsets you. When you lash out against him, his defenses most likely go up, and all communication and understanding of each other goes out the door.

What needs to happen is a discussion before a fight or blow up when a comment or gesture is made. I am not sure if you have tried this, but you could try talking to him about what you have been through and what you need from everyone, including him. Perhaps share stories of strangers’ comments to you that are on par with or more extreme than things he has said and how they made you feel. Explain to him that you know he is trying to help, and take ownership that you have not been clear about your needs, which has led to this breakdown in communication. This is simply advice, please do what you feel in your gut is best. He is definitely not listening to your needs, and if after clearly making them known, he continues to say things like “you should be grateful”, then there’s a bigger issue than your appearance that he needs to address in therapy for himself.

Also, if you ever need someone to talk to/vent to, I am here when you need me. I know how badly you are wanting that normalcy and it pained me to write these things to you, because these are all these I have struggled with... and continue to struggle with. Be well, friend, and time truly does heal all wounds. As fucking angry as that stupid phrase makes me, it’s fucking true. Ugh! Hugs!!!

Shrek2_TheShrekening 3 3h32m

You need to see someone about the way this makes you feel. Clearly he just wants to make you understand that he loves and accepts all parts of you and that he is ok with every part of you. I do think he is trying a touch too hard, but the main thing is the way it makes YOU feel.

I dont think you can ask the guy you love to just ignore a part of you when love is about loving unconditionally and accepting the good and the bad. Speak to someone about how this makes you feel, learn to love yourself as you should, and the rest will fall into place.

songbird2123 3 4h52m

I have a big belly that I hate and my bf kisses it and tells me he loves it but I think I’d get annoyed if the part I hate most about myself he kept bringing it up.

comic-chameleon 3 5h28m

I don't think you need to "be grateful" for anything, however if I couldn't tell my fiancee that he's gorgeous every day, I might feel unfulfilled.

sethhar 3 5h53m

OP, I am a huge believer in loving yourself before you try to love someone else. By some of your responses it shows that those scars dont only exist on your face but in your mind as well. I get that he has broken a major boundary for you. But are you gonna go through life ignoring a massive part of who you are.

Your bf was misguided by trying to fix you and his statement came off as self righteous as fuck. I suggest before venturing into the dating/relationship world you speak to a professional to try to come to terms with your insecurities. You arent missing something, you aren't broken and those scars are part of who you are now.

Acceptance of oneself can go a long way in having healthy friendships and relationships.

[deleted] 3 5h57m


maximum_ohm_unit 1 12h0m

Yeah. Because no clearly doesn’t mean no to her bf.

Kalmish 3 6h2m

Sounds like he has a control thing going.

happypigsinspace 3 6h17m

If he doesn't accept you for who you are, and how you feel about who you are, than he's not the right person for you.

uglyugly1 3 6h24m

He sounds like a "nice guy".

timetravelwasreal 3 6h28m
OttoManSatire 3 6h47m

If you've made this boundary 100% clear to him and he still pushes it, it doesn't sound like he respects you in the relationship and it might be better to move on. It also sounds like he's not very emotionally mature. You don't want to talk to about AT ALL. Period. But he somehow interprets that compliments are okay.

I dumped a girl because she would not stop bragging about my autonomy to my roommates. I realize it's a good thing but I had asked her not to bring it up. She ignored the boundary and was gone shortly after.

bentleycowboy 3 6h52m

Simply put, break up with him. Doesn’t sound like this is going to work and it’s only been 6 months. Leave before things get serious.

K-is-for-kryptonite 3 7h34m

It sounds like he's treating you as if you are broken. Op you are far from, you clearly have dealt with your accident and he needs to get over his bullshit complex.

Thistle_Dogwood 3 7h53m

I have a big scar on my leg. I hated people asking about it (now, I feel slightly better about it but only because time has passed). My husband never asks about it, nor does my family, because why would you? It's there, and will always be (the only family member who comments about.it is my dad, and it's only to say that he can't really see it anymore, and well, he's my Dad and he doesn't touch it and it's his way of saying that it's all in the past now). Tina Fey is right, no one has the right to decide your scar is interesting to talk about. I had total strangers thinking it was entirely fine to comment on my 'horrible scar' to my face. To have you, your progress in recovery and your body summed up in that way is crushing. I wasn't 19 when the scar occurred, and it still mattered to me.

Dump the BF. If he doesn't understand that boundary, I wonder how else he will treat you for any other 'imperfections'.

portgas_d_rouge 3 8h24m

This whole thread makes me feel gross. If he was worth keeping he would have listened the first time you told him not to mention it.

I used to have a mole on my face. When I was in middle school I was a girl who had bald spots. My kid has a prosthetic eye. My sister had a paralyzing car accident.

If someone has a physical defect and is not obviously bringing attention to it, then don't be one of the many assholes that does. Doing that obviously makes some shit people feel edgy or powerful. Even behind your back it's still immature behavior.

I don't know if he meant you should be grateful he would put up with it (groooooss) or grateful that he thinks he's helping you to like your scar (this kid is a moron). Either way, pleeeeeease dump him as soon as possible. Liking a defect is rare. Liking an injury just isn't a thing. No one wants a permanent injury. No one is proud of an accident.

Is it ok to poke fun at my sister years later? Yes because I'm close enough to her that I to be sensitive of any insecurities and still funny. Am I ok with anyone making a joke about my daughter? No. Was I ever ok with anyone talking about my head in middle school? Obvious no.

Furthermore anywhere you do not want to be touched, in a healthy relationship you will never be touched there period.

In short, he. Is. An. Asshole.

SoliBiology 3 8h38m

I would just leave him. Him saying "grateful" really is not okay.

Respected-Wizard 3 8h43m

There's such a great way to tell your partner you love them regardless of any blemish they might have... DON'T F*CKING BRING IT UP IF THEY TELL YOU NOT TO. OP's bf needs to understand continuous compliments can be selfish if they aren't well received

theedjman 3 8h55m

This is a great example of how pop culture ruins romance.

Basically your boyfriend is trying to be the guy who “sees past the exterior and finds beauty in imperfection” because that’s a character archetype that usually gets the girl in the end. Beauty and the Beast, a Walk to Remember, Twilight, Ready Player One, and so many more movies and books stand on (or at least utilize) this trope of helping a character see past their flaws in order to find their inner beauty.

The issue is movies are movies, books are books, and real life is neither one of those. It seems like your bf is relying pretty heavily on lessons he’s learned from movies when in reality those things are just not at all what you need from him. If you think that’s possibly the issue maybe try approaching it from that angle. It might help him understand where he’s going wrong if you find the root.

Bryzzo_Souvenirs 3 9h5m

So I have some personal experience with this too. I have a scar on my neck bigger than a baseball that I was born with and had surgery on. I’m fine with my appearance now although that took some therapy. I get some stares on occasion, but I’m at a point in my life where I stopped giving a shit.

All of this to say, if some told me I should be grateful, I’d talk about it but probably end things if that is their attitude. Fuck that noise. Luckily I have a girlfriend who likes me for me, and she doesn’t think anything different of me because of it.

Altairjones 3 9h6m

So basic body autonomy and consent. He is violating both. You have set a boundary around your own body ffs there isn’t an excuse for ignoring that. I don’t care what the reason is and his gaslighting response to your impatience over how your own body is being treated is terrible. Your 19, you’ve now learned what your bar is, have more relationships and keep raising that bar.

xoxota99 3 9h7m

Tell him fuck off. Find someone who can respect your wishes. Six months is not that much of an investment TBH.

_flowerchild95_ 3 9h9m

You had a right to snap. You’ve been respectful about this for 6 months, and for 6 months he has purposely made you uncomfortable by touching your scars and saying stupid stuff.

But what gets me the most is when he says: “You should be grateful” because that can be taken in so many ways and I see so many red flags with this statement.

What exactly do you need to be grateful for? That he finds you beautiful? That he finds you beautiful despite your injuries? That he’s dating you despite your injuries? That he wants to be with you?

NO. There are so many ways to tell you that you’re beautiful without constantly needing to focus on your injuries. He can respect your space on this and not touch your face and still show you/feel that you’re beautiful.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker and have a final talk with him. Make it clear that he needs to have the respect to not bring up your injuries all the time because you don’t want to hear about them all the time.

babixi 3 9h11m

My ex used to make comments about my scars from years of previous self harm all the time. He would touch them and stuff as well.

It’s really not fun and would make me super uncomfortable so I can get where you’re coming from. You’ve already asked him not to talk about it and he keeps doing so so I don’t think you’re in the wrong. Maybe just try to have a serious discussion about how it makes you feel, and make it clear that you appreciate his effort but you really don’t like it and ask him to stop.

Bozoso77 3 9h21m

Fuck him… When people do shit like that it means that they’re trying to hide their insecurities… Go find someone that will love you girl :-)

Thunderplant 3 9h24m

The fact that he tried to convince you that you were wrong to be upset when you confronted him about it is the red flag to me here.

I can see him being forgetful and touching it absentmindedly because I end up doing the same thing with my girlfriend and anything that catches my attention, and there is actually something that she is self conscious about I have accidentally brought her attention to a few times because of it. But the last thing I would ever do to her is tell her SHE was wrong when she told me something I did made her feel bad.

Telling your partner they are wrong to be upset about your behavior is never ok or healthy.

[deleted] 3 10h57m


ThrowRA29837 3 11h14m

He said grateful

Antisocial_Deviant 3 11h54m

The slight fuzz on my lip makes me uncomfortable, so when I told my boyfriend that him messing with it doesn’t sit well with me, he instantly stopped because he understood it was something I didn’t want to have pointed out.

That’s how your boyfriend should be reacting to your request. He shouldn’t be continuing to point it out to you, that’s just lack of respect for your wishes. I say sit him down and have a serious talk about it. Explain to him why you hate having those things pointed out. He can call you beautiful without including your scars and eye into it. There are people who can joke about those things, but you aren’t required to be one of those.

I’m not gonna say he’s a completely shitty person, but he does need to make sure to learn how to properly interact with you and avoid the topic of your scars and eye.

throeavery 3 11h56m

He really needs to stop being pushy there and as the most upvoted current comment says, talk with him mentioning what's written there.

I don't know how serious your scarring is, but to expect a loved one to completely ignore or look over and not caress those scars might be a really hard near impossible feat and you need to ask yourself if there isn't an option where he is not pushy and just treats it as he would treat any other body part.

Even if uncomfortable, it might be the best solution for all involved.

I wish you good luck with getting through to him, sounds like an issue that might require work and a few tries from both sides, hope he's willing to understand you too.

MyMelancholyBaby 3 12h25m

#1 - He's not respecting your boundaries

#2 - He said you should be grateful for him not respecting your boundaries.

Those two are deal breakers for me. If he's like this six months into the relationship he's only going to get worse down the road.

Constantly_Dizzy 3 13h15m

His reaction is really gross imo.

I understand the impulse to want to show a loved one you love their physical self, but him ignoring your boundaries when you communicate them is a real issue, & it is not ok.

I've been on both sides of this in a way, although not with an injury or anything quite like that. With me I feel very self conscious about my stomach. There aren't marks but I am overweight with a history of EDs. At first my fiance would try to touch or stroke my tummy & tell me he thought I was beautiful, etc. It made me feel uncomfortable so I told him this & asked him to stop. He stopped, right away. He stopped doing the things that made me uncomfortable because he doesn't want to make me feel uncomfortable. It shouldn't take a genius to figure that out.

I understood what he was trying to do, & he had only good intentions, but it didn't help, & it just made me think about the part of myself I hated. He recognized that, & stopped as soon as I asked him too, because he recognized & accepted my boundaries.

(I share this to show an example of what I think a partner's response should be like in this circumstance.)

He should have heard you & accepted your boundaries. His intentions don't really matter if he is ignoring what you are telling him. You told him clearly that this thing he does makes you feel uncomfortable. That should be all he needs to hear. That he then tries to say you "should be grateful" ?! Big Yikes!

I hope he realizes how awful that was. He should absolutely apologize & change this behaviour.

If it were my friend who encountered this I might suggest they think very critically about the relationship if they didn't see any changes. I would never advise staying with anyone who repeatedly ignores your comfort & your boundaries while making no attempt to change. I hope he hears you, & really makes an effort to do better & to be better.

Wishing you all the best.

allyrachel 3 13h18m

As far as the prosthetic goes, it gets better. I’ve been begging to get a crazy design but I can understand wanting it to look normal. I used to feel insecure about having a prosthetic, but the older I get, the more I see it as part of myself. I hope that your insecurity eases up over time, but your boyfriend should respect your boundaries.

LeaveForNoRaisin 3 13h33m

Calmly and forcefully tell him that you’ve set your boundaries and he keeps disrespecting them. You get what he’s doing, but you find it patronizing and unhelpful. If he still crosses that line then he’s clearly refusing to hear you.

MellieFace47 3 15h35m

From what you have shared, your partner is disrespecting a boundary you have set. For me, the utter lack of respect towards a trigger of mine would lead me to consider ending things. Your scarring is triggering for you, and to have him repeatedly bring focus to something you are still processing and healing from is hurtful for you. You can do one of two things here- tell him he needs to stop touching a part of your body you told him is off limits and see if his behavior improves, or tell him that since he doesn’t understand what consent means, you’re done. 🤷🏻‍♀️

stoniruca 3 16h57m

6 months of a relationship is a blip on a radar in comparison to potentially being with someone else who is amazing for the rest of your life. Kick that guy to the curb cause he keeps stepping all over your boundaries.

[deleted] 3 16h58m

I get he is trying to help, but he needs to listen to what you actually want.

He needs to actually listen to you, if you ask for him to stop talking about your scars and your eye, and not to touch them, he has to respect that. If he's not willing to respect that, then it becomes more a serious issue about the future of your relationship.

If BF reads this: Mate, just shut the fuck up about her scars, OK?

Lumiru 3 17h22m

he keeps doing things like touching them with his fingers



This is honestly so cringey and disgusting. He either needs to learn what personal space is, learn to have some common decency and respect for YOU, or you need to leave him.

If you've told him before multiple times, he's not going to change and he's probably testing his limits or how much he can get away with in terms of violating your personal space and manipulation/guilt tripping.

To put this in perspective, if this was happening to your best friend wouldn't you be outraged too?

1312_throwaway 3 18h27m

Op... Does he watch anime? This seems like such a cringe weeb thing to do. Especially the prosthetic part.

ThrowRA29837 3 18h41m

He does watch it but he doesn't seem like a weeb

1312_throwaway 3 18h52m

The whole "scars are badass" thing is a pretty big trope and it sounds like theres some fetishism going on here. Honestly if it makes you uncomfortable and he can't take a hint... Idk, its probably not going to get better. Have you asked him point blank why he keeps bringing it up?

ThrowRA29837 3 18h54m

I haven't just said it like that but I've asked why it's so important for him to talk about them and that was in the argument before. He said that he's trying to help me get used to them

1312_throwaway 2 19h2m

Thats lame. Dunno how old you guys are but he sounds really immature and needs more practice in the empathy department. Its your life, your face, and you're allowed to process shit however you want. Six months is not a long enough relationship for him to have any place in "helping you get used" to shit, not in my opinion. Thats still a new relationship in my book and I'd see it as a pretty big red flag. That being said, it doesn't sound like he's got any malicious intent, and if it doesn't work out I'd try to let hom down gently.

Shit sucks my dude, I've got this slight lazy eye thing going on like Ryan Gosling but way less attractive. I wouldn't be able to stay with a woman who brought it up all the time. Its my fucking face, and I already think about it every time I talk to someone.

ZiOnIsNeXtLeBrOn 2 3h45m

First, for the girlfriend, I think that he wants you to know that he doesn't care about your scars, He likes you because you have a great personality not because of what you look like. I know that it is something that you wish you could redo. But this is a part of you and he wants you to know that he doesn't care about that, he loves you. I also think that he is trying to alleviate some of the pain by making it beautiful and funny with the prosthetics that have patterns.

I think that for the BF, don't talk about it a lot, it is something that she needs to learn to live with and bringing it, will only cause more pain. Take her somewhere and apologize for what you were trying to do. (I know that you are trying to do a nice thing but she needs to accept herself before you can accept her.

yodasdojo1 2 4h2m

Hes doing the best he can to be a good boyfriend. Hes trying to show he loves you no matter what and your response is to yell at him for doing it. The problem is you have an immense amount of self hate and body image issues that you need professional help with. The more you shut him down while he tries to love you the more you push him away. When he does leave you will eventually blame it on your scars and feed into your self hate even more. Get professional help for your body image issues. The alternative is rather lonely.

wiring_malfunction 2 4h11m

He’s not respecting your wishes and that’s not cool. It’s your body.

mrfixitfixitmr 2 4h28m

Some people can’t get out of their own way, you found someone that accepts you unconditionally the good and the bad. You should try is sometime you might just like what you find.

Daeva_ 2 5h39m

The grateful comment may have just come across wrong but honestly OP you might want to consider talking to a professional to help you get to a more positive place.

MosquitoMurderer 2 6h2m

He’s trying, you just gotta have a heart to heart with him to let him know that’s the wrong way for him to go about it

comalicious 2 6h20m

Give him a taste of his own medicine.

If he fails to satisfy you sexually, keep bringing it up. Gently stroke his penis and let him know it's "still beautiful" and when he starts to get annoyed, tell him he should be grateful you even care.

Because if you've explained several times and he still doesn't fucking get it, maybe a taste of his own medicine will help him with that.

tk919191 2 6h21m

Well, when I was younger I used to have issues with my body too, born with it so not a scar. What really helped me after time to accept it and be okay with it was, when men really didn't notice for like 3 occasions and asked about it out of curiousity and that was it. Or they never mentioned it at all. I would have been weirded out if someone told me they loved me for it. Like, it's not your weird fetish. That's not a compliment. I would have been horrified if someone loved me despite of it. That would only tell me they consider it a flaw and yes, that would hurt even now that I am very much fine with it.

dizzy-bones 2 6h28m

I get where you're coming from. I have [and had] some disabilities that I never spoke about, some of which left very visible scarring on my legs. Although healed up for the most part now, I still feel very self conscious about showing my skin. It's been over 10 years and I'm still living with those insecurities. But like.. that is a ME thing, you know? I wanted to feel normal, but my feelings and thoughts always dragged me to feel any way but normal. It took a lot of self reflecting and time for me to finally be able to look at my skin and think "this is me and this will always be me". Its hard to love yourself for something that brings painful memories, but it's also about allowing yourself to live again. You endured. You survived. That's amazing. You deserve to feel loved and beautiful as you are. You wanna be normal? Honey, everyone is different. Some of us have scars on the inside. Some of us have scars on the outside. Let yourself heal. It'll get better in time. I promise.

ThrwAwA101 2 6h35m

OP, as someone who acquired several feet of radical scars as a 14 yr old(M), I can't speak for you but I think that you will always be aware of your scars but you will reach a point where you just don't give a fuck about it anymore. Until then, please remember that you really aren't that different. Life tends to leave scars and most people have them even if they aren't always visible. You and your boyfriend are both young and he is over compensating. He means well. Just make it very clear to him that it has to stop because it makes you uncomfortable. You might want to thank him for trying. Let him know that you appreciate him for making the effort but that it is misguided and unwelcome from now on. I wish you the best.

tattoosbyalisha 2 6h38m

If he can’t be respectful of your boundaries, especially at six months in, might be time to end things. Also, I think therapy might be good for you to come to terms with things about yourself a bit more, and those anger issues you said you have. You have a right to be mad at him. Making a mistake once, okay possibly forgivable. But to be a constant offender, shows a clear disregard for your feelings. Especially when you snapped and he still just tries to justify himself.

Yourworldinflames 2 6h54m

It's fair for you to feel that way ( I speak from experience, facial differences) and you should be able to tell him when you feel uncomfortable. But at the same time you need to find the strength to accept your differences and see them as no big deal otherwise any mention of them will have you in crippling depression. I am available to talk anytime if you need support x

loinstake 2 6h56m

Your boyfriend is a douchebag, and what do you mean by you having a short temper? Are we missing something?

MoonlightsHand 2 8h54m

I've had people comment on stuff (not scars, other physical stuff) in similar ways. I get it, it's not something you feel good about and you don't particularly want someone drawing attention to something you hate just so they can make themselves look oh-so-fabulous for "accepting you anyway". It's inspiration porn and it pisses me off too.

I honestly think that when he said "you should be grateful", that's the part that really told you what's up: he's not doing this for you, he's doing this for him. He wants to feel like the knight in shining armour who saves you from yourself.

In your position, I'd be looking at other aspects of his behaviour and see if he's that kind of egocentric virtue-signaller in the rest of his life and in your relationship.

Hauntofrose 2 9h34m

NTA, everyone has boundaries and boundaries should be respected, You shouldn’t constantly have to repeat that you’re uncomfortable with and him commenting “you should be grateful” feels like he’s only feeding his own ego on being “sensitive” & there for you. People have triggers and lash out, but ensuring you apologize for those lash outs are important especially if they are unaware of your triggers, but it could also be hurtful to be on the receiving end, but him constantly disregarding your comfort is disrespectful, pointing shit out that is a constant reminder of flaws or something ones insecurities does more harm since it’s always a topic and most people in general aren’t comfortable talking about such things, feels like it’s blaringly obvious when we just want it to avoid notice.

crveni_luk 2 9h38m

First off, i am writing this with the most possitive intentions. And maybe the boyfriend isnt 100% in the clear, it really depends on all of the details of their interactions which many of redditors here are pretending to know... they dont, neither do i, so i wont pretend and fill your head with my crazy ignorant theories... 🙄

I dont care if you want or dont want to break up with your boyfriend. I am writing this because i think you would benefit from the change of mindset, especially the way you look at yourself.

OP I am very sorry for what has happened to you, but there is no personal growth without accepting yourself for who you are. We are all different, that is what makes us such a diverse and creative species. If you do not accept yourself, you will not grow naturally to a person you are supposed to be, your life will circle around trying to be "normal" (whatever that means), and you will end up bleak, ordinary and insecure (which might be reason for your snappiness), and as you age that will end up being a much bigger scar than any physical one.

Go to youtube and look for a video: Gaelynn Lea NPR tiny desk concert. Don't you admire her more than a "normal" person for her to open herself up to the world with all the good and bad that comes with it. Strenght is not something we are born with, it is something we acquire through exposing ourselves fully to the world and thriving with the stuff we do. Dont hide, come to the light and let it shape you into the best possible person you can imagine, but that is still you.

Wanting to be someone you are not or cant be, will only fill you with resentment your whole life.

Sorry for bad english, im on my phone and dont have spell check. But i just had to write something because these comments are so bad and would do more harm than good.

Also normal is boring... Create something special of yourself with what you got, there is not much else worthy to do on this planet, and from that all the good things will come.

Sorry for the rant... I whole heartedly wish you all the best!

[deleted] 2 18h7m

ever heard about boundaries? also go to youtube and look up scar fetish videos. The BF is a total piece of shit, how would you feel if you asked your partner not to touch some part of your body because you don’t like it and they would keep touching it on purpose and then tell you you should be grateful for them dating you? because that’s what he does, if she doesn’t like something he should respect that, she doesn’t need a therapy for that.

JulieNaaiers 2 9h39m

He sounds like he wants an award for accepting you.

kevingharvey 2 9h40m

I'm assuming your accident happened before you met your boyfriend. You may want to consider the fact that he finds scars attractive. It's not a super unusual preference. I personally like them. I think they give a person character and individuality that set them apart from others. Do I get all weird and touchy about it? No. But I can definitely appreciate them in ways that others choose not to. Maybe this is the case with your guy? Maybe he feels like he is complimenting an attractive feature? You can't really fault him for honesty but make sure you're both clear about how you feel. If you want him to understand your apprehensive responses to the compliments, take the time to fully understand what his motivations are to begin with. A more common, but comparable situation that I've also experienced? I was once oftentimes completely embarrassed about my big butt. My husband, though, cannot keep his hands off of it. Eventually, I got used to it and I'm sort of into having a big butt now. I'm not saying that's how it should go with you, but give your guy an opportunity to explain himself before deciding how you want to approach things. Knowing that a compliment is true gives it a whole different meaning than when it's just fan service.

loudsex 2 9h43m

Boundaries are difficult to maintain and also difficult to follow at times. I’ve been a person that pushes boundaries and have learned the hard way why respecting boundaries is important. This is a ver common issue in relationships.

Clearly communicating that you are setting a boundary and the consequences of not following it is the best solution here. Basically saying “I’m setting a boundary here. If you continue to touch my scars or comment about them I’m going to leave.” If/when he pushes back the boundary remember to stay firm, repeat the same sentence and then say “I’m not going to repeat myself again.”

This is an uncomfortable thing to do which is why people try to “be nice” or not “step on other peoples toes”. Let it be uncomfortable, it will either pass or you’ll leave because he can’t respect boundaries.

Neonnie 2 9h51m

Nowhere near what happened to you OP, but my ex was obsessed with necks/leaving hickies there. I had a traumatic experience involving an injury to my neck, and this was a hard line. No. One. Touches. My. Neck.

He never ever touched it or even mentioned it. Ever.

Because boyfriends aren't supposed to make you uncomfortable.

And yeah, maybe I could try really hard and change that. Maybe even I should. For my own benefit rather than anyone else's.

But meanwhile, I have boundaries. I will not let anyone cross those boundaries, or make shitty little jokes about how I flinch when touched there, or snap at people who come to close to my neck.

You have absolutely, every right, to have boundaries. If your boyfriend can't respect those, it doesn't bode well for the future. What's the next boundary he'll cross?

P.S. I don't know the full story, but his behavior sounds totally self-serving. He thinks he can magically "fix" your feelings about your scars from the sounds of it...? Does he call the rest of your face beautiful? Why is it only your scars? The fact he insists on emphasizing them and then calling you ungrateful... yikes. any man who did this to me i would go absolutely ape shit girl you have the patience of a saint.

LadyWooWho 2 9h55m

Does he respect your boundaries on everything else or are there other topics/situations that he tries to push?

I have many, very visible, scars from my battles with cancer. They’re not on my face, which probably makes a difference, but I actually love them all and feel neutral or even happy to talk about them. To me, they symbolize survival in spite of terrible odds.

But I also work with cancer patients who feel exactly like you do. They just want to move on with their lives and pretend like nothing ever happened. They spend thousands of dollars having the scars covered up or removed.

Neither of us is wrong. There are different ways of coping with a constant reminder of something awful.

So while I can understand the romanticized idea of helping someone love themselves, scars and all, it’s more important to respect their choice. Especially when you’ve made it clear you don’t want to talk about it.

You can’t have love without respect.

Potato4 2 10h1m

Fuckhead thinks he knows you better than you know yourself. Stick to your guns.

BradenZzZ 2 10h11m

Well I don’t think his reaction was warranted at all I am so sorry that happened to you. You are in the right but those things will always be a part of you. I couldn’t imagine what you have gone through but you won’t forget what happened and you shouldn’t. Bad things happen to people all the time but it’s ok! You’re not weird, ugly or anything else. You are you! But you are in the right in the situation he should’ve known to back off and not talk about it until you were ready. It’s part of a relationship. I hope everything will be ok I’m sorry if I bothered you for posting this. Good bye

Abstractteapot 2 10h58m

He wants you to applaud him for being such a nice guy and "loving" you when you have these scars. He keeps bringing it up, because he wants to pay himself on the back and make you feel like oh wow this guy loves me despite my facial scarring.

He's a dick, if he didn't care about the scars it wouldn't be a big issue and he wouldn't keep drawing attention to it. You'd be his partner who he loves, and oh yeah she I don't really notice the scars that much since they're just a part of her. Instead you're your facial scars, then his partner despite the facial scarring. I bet he goes around telling people about how you have these scars but he still thinks you're so brave and gorgeous. He might think he's in love with you, but I think he likes your scars more. It makes you appear fragile, and gives his ego a boost because look he's such a nice guy and he's dating you.

But in the event he's just really stupid and incapable of listening to you. Tell him you don't appreciate him reducing your value as a human being to your scars and eye. If he can't see beyond that he needs to let you know.

MrLizardBusiness 2 10h59m

Dude, I have self harm scars, which I know are a little different, but it's not something I do anymore. I know they're there, but I don't like to be reminded of the worst thing I've ever done, or the time I cut my arm in half trying to off myself. I've had partners try to make a big deal of kissing my scars and I'm like... Can you not? I understand what you're trying to do, but you're doing it for you, not for me. This is literally reminding me of the worst things I've ever felt, and now you want me to have sex with you? That's still just only two steps above the guy in the grocery store asking me if my scars are because of 13 reasons why.

Personally, after 6 months, the dude should know. I'd move on. It's not your job to teach this guy empathy. If he has to make a point of telling you you're beautiful EVEN THOUGH you're scarred, he's convincing himself, not you. The scars are part of your story, part of you. It's a whole package. He should just say you're beautiful.

A lot of guys have messed up checklists, so you have to be careful. You deserve someone who doesn't see you as a rescue.

FishnetsInConverse 2 11h9m

I don't think people realize how tender or itchy or sometime painful facial scars can be. Add to this the feeling of insecurity due to the fact you not only look different than you did prior to the injury, but compile atop that with the insecurity of when people stare.

I forget sometimes about my scar. Little background.. In the beginning it went from above my right eye corner down under my cheek bone. It's since neatened up a bit, and formed this J hook shape and shortened a little too. My eye is pinched in the corner also,from the doctor stitching a swollen face on the fly. But what I'm trying to say is... There might be a point when you occasionally actually forget (about the scar). I fi d people don't react as much now because, this scar is part of me, but doesn't own me. It's corny but I think when you get over it other people will too. Total strangers can be the worst, but it's like anything in life that sets a person apart from others... How you handle the situation will make all the difference. My standard line when they stared in the beginning... "My first MMA pay per view special was supposed to be next week.. Looks like it's postponed. Good news.. I can take a punch..you should see the other girl! She's quit the sport."

The BF though.. That's a different story. I think he may have a scar fetish. By the way you described his comments, it sounds like he wants to make you into someone you do t want to be. Some fantasy girl with tattooed/patterned prosthesis, and make the scar your focal point. He isn't respecting who you are in my opinion, he isn't listening to how you feel about the way this attention makes you feel. Definitely talk to him if he is someone you love, respect, care about. If not, move on. It sounds like he should be the great full one.

maximum_ohm_unit 2 11h28m

My best friend has Tourette’s. This would be like me commenting on every muscle and vocal tic she has and telling her I don’t mind them. I have tardive dyskensia from psych meds and my eyes and mouth do weird things. I had it for 14 years and didn’t know until a neurologist told me I had it because nobody commented about it but when I brought it up to friends, they tell me they’ve noticed and nothing more. Pointing shit like this out when the person can’t help it objectifies the person. Just chill and don’t focus on these things and before you know it, you won’t even notice it but pointing it out constantly isn’t someone trying to make you comfortable about it, it’s them trying to be ok with it. Your boyfriend completely lacks a sense of boundaries and good ole common social skills. You had every right to lash out about him not respecting your boundaries after trying many times to do so nicely. No means no. I would dump him because there will be more boundaries you set as you grow that he will not respect. He just doesn’t give a shit about your bodily autonomy or your desired method of coping. I don’t think you need therapy to be forced to be ok with something that you clearly aren’t ready to face head on. When you’re ready to deal with it, then that would be ok, but you may never need to talk about because as you age, you may grow to not think about it. I’m 45 and I don’t care that I grind my jaw, lick my lips, lick my teeth or roll my eyes in the back of my head because I don’t have to see it, other people have to and that’s their problem, not mine. If I were your age and it was constantly pointed out, I would have a complex over it. But the thing is, truly kind and empathetic people won’t say a thing or be bothered by something you can’t control or force you to be ok with it.

JackwolfTT 2 11h31m

Your bf is an insensitive asshole. Life is short, find a better person.

[deleted] 2 11h41m

He thinks he's being sweet, but he's being an asshole. You've made it clear you don't want to talk about your scars. That's a reasonable request. If he can't respect it, ditch him and find someone who will. You're not the bad guy for getting mad when your repeated attempts to set a boundary go ignored. He's still a boundary-crossing shithead.

My aunt on my dad's side has a significant facial scar from an accident when she was really young. She's gorgeous, but the scar has always been noticeable. She doesn't want to talk about it because the accident was really traumatic (she's very lucky she survived, it was really bad). I have never once heard anybody bring it up to her. I think my dad told me once when I was a kid that any mention of the accident upsets her. Never once did it occur to me to say something. I never heard her husband or kids say anything about it, or even her grandkids. Truth be told, I never gave it a second though (like I said, she's very beautiful, if anything I used to wish I looked like her and had her gorgeous hair color).

You've asked him to stop. He's made it clear he doesn't give a shit what you want, apparently, and the "you should be grateful remark" is fucking gross. I've got imperfections that my husband loves that make me me. There are a couple things I've asked him not to draw attention to because they make me self-conscious. He never mentioned it again. It's not that fucking hard.

barberst152 2 12h57m

Am I the only one on here who read this story a few months ago, but from the boyfriend's perspective? I'll see if I can find it.

singlechickLA 2 13h17m

It feels like he has a sexual interest in the scars like a fetish but that’s beside the point he’s being an ass. Also his ‘you should be grateful’ earns a HUGE F U! He’s trying to gaslight your and make you feel bad so that you tolerate his lack of respect and agency of your own body. Your not a doll that he can dress up like a anime or other fantasy creature to satisfy his whims.

ThrowRA29837 2 13h29m

He's only touched them in sex once

singlechickLA 2 17h29m

I don’t mean during sex from what you wrote he seems fascinated by them and (despite being asked) keeps touching and talking about them after being asked to stop

AlysonWonderland7 2 13h48m

I’m going to bare my soul for a brief moment. I met boyfriend (now husband) at 18, and I have wildly asymmetrical breast. I was always very insecure about them. I had an insert in my bra to make my boobs appear to be even under clothes. I, honestly, cannot tell you how many times that man took my fake boob and put it in his pocket to help me. He NEVER made my insecurity feel like a chore. At 19, I got pregnant with our now 13 year old, 9 months later when I went into labor he legit reached in my bra took out my fake boob and slid it into his pocket so no one would notice. We’ve been married for 13 years now (got married when our daughter was 5 months old). Point is, my husband NEVER made my biggest insecurity a big deal. Even our nastiest of fights he never brought it up. Bleh. I hope this all made sense. I’m kinda tipsy. Stay strong, love.

Kheroval 2 14h52m

Well it's a part of you, and I think if you're going to have an intimate relationship with a serious partner, some acknowledgement of your scars is going to have to happen to have a healthy relationship, BUT he is for sure way out of line in every respect here. Obviously he isn't trying if you've told him how you feel, and he's ignoring it. That to me means he's really bothered by them, or specifically attracted to them. He likely is projecting his own discomfort onto you, then trying to fix your discomfort in order to alleviate his own. He may not be aware of this (which is typical with projection) because he doesn't want to admit to himself he had a problem with the way you look (or a fetishistic attraction to them). For sure, he has issues he needs to work out, that you should not be responsible for, or suffer as a result of. Unrelated, though, your desire to want to ignore what is an evident part of who you are now, may cause difficulties for you down the line. Not saying you have to love your scars, talk about them, or feature them, but things we deny or repress have ways of expressing in other areas of our lives we may not realize (displacement). I think you both may have feelings about your scars that you separately aren't acknowledging, but they aren't related to each other, so really he is the one who is wrong for not respecting your boundaries.

Kayfabed17 2 15h12m

I feel like you told strangers more about what youre feeling, rather than the person you actually know.

Nonviablefiend 2 15h42m

I fully get the whole trying to make the whole scars etc thing seem like no big deal since it should not be, but unnecessarily bringing them up and expecting you to be grateful is not understandable!! I had a girlfriend whom had scars for various reason I won't go into but I made it clear they did not bother me if they came up, however bringing unnecessary attention to something potentially traumatic or uncomfortable is not okay, at all! Like gratefulness can be fucked off (pardon my french) all I cared about was making sure she knew I had 0 issue with it myself. I never expected her to be grateful for what should just be a common courtesy in my eyes... I wanted to be a place she could just be herself everything included baggage past and all, if she wants to deal with past scars I'm there for her if she didn't then doesn't matter to me I accepted everything all the same!

crazylittlepartytifs 2 15h50m

No you weren't being unfair.

You made it clear what's acceptable to you and what isn't.

You snapped because you were being pestered. It's a normal response. Everyone snaps eventually when someone is antagonistic and you are stuck in the same space with them.

My advice is to think long and hard about the type of relationship you want to have and the type of interactions you wish to have. If these aren't present in your current relationship, you have permission to leave.

You're young and you've been through enough. You don't need someone trying to be something that you don't need. It sounds like he's trying to "be" that type of boyfriend that is "accepting" and that compliments you and doesn't have a problem with the scarring... except the fact that he brings it up constantly IS a problem.

It's not considerate or cool to bring something up constantly. It has nothing to do with who you are. So he essentially doesn't really see you, and his constant commenting on what is superficial and what actually bothers you emphasises this. That's why you snap.

[deleted] 2 16h13m

He doesn't know any better. I know you told him, it's a young guy thing. It's a psychological thing, and it's a guy thing. and your pretty much hitting a brick wall. He ain't listening to you or taking you serious. He's also romanticizing it and thinking he can use his love and romance to make you feel better, and that because it's him he can. Be probably don't really understand how women feel or how he's making you feel and how sensitive they are to these things.

That's not something that changes over night or in a short period of time, and as young as you both are it will be really hard for anyone to get through to him. If it's a huge deal breaker then you might need to call things off.

Him not listening to you when it's something that matters that much to you, something that's hurting you and making you upset, and then trying to rub you like smeagle from Lord of the rings is a pretty big red flag. It could be a few different things, he could just be a total asshole and doesn't give a fuck, he might think he is the only one who can bring you out of it, like Tom and Hester from mortal engines.

It also says alot of how things could be handled in the future and in other situations.

postcardmap45 2 16h20m

Communicate your boundaries once again, clearly and concisely. Tell him you understand where he’s coming from, understand the efforts, but tell him which actions make you uncomfortable and why. If he doesn’t listen, then you know what to do.

Bf doesn’t have to act like he’s doing you a mighty blessed favor by “loving” your scars. That’s condescending. Even if some can’t view that as disrespectful, it still goes directly against your boundaries and expressed wishes.

He chooses to “look past” (he’s actually bringing more attention to it) something you’re struggling with—especially after you have repeatedly told him how to interact with it—because he thinks his way is better than yours. That’s really the crux of the problem, but it’s your face at the end of the day. You can’t prescribe a recipe to someone on how to deal with their personal traumas, he’s gotta know that.

schaweniiia 2 16h56m

I think you're justified to be angry and he should back off a little. Maybe sitting him down and talking to him would help, maybe not. He needs to realise that your scarring has been traumatic for you and that you're currently dealing with it with denial (which is completely fine).

He needs to know that what he's doing is not helping, even if it's well-intentioned, and that - if you two want to continue the relationship - you don't want him to mention the scars at all, unless you do first. Then see how he responds. In worst case, a break up could be a solution, but it doesn't have to happen if he's keen to adapt.

On another note, I'd like to recommend that you talk to someone about your trauma. You seem nonchalant about it, but you're clearly still very much processing what has happened, and you could potentially have an easier life with some guidance. It also might help you communicate better with the people around you. After all, being snappy like you said isn't just a character trait, it's a symptom.

All the best!

fandamnedforever 2 17h30m

If he still continues to do it, it's toxic. Leave him asap!

Ckelle06 2 23h24m

As a professional Ocularist (someone who makes artificial eyes), I can say that EVERYONE has very different opinions on what sort of “look” they want their eye to have. The vast majority of people want their prosthesis to blend in and look exactly like their companion eye, but there are many many people who prefer to embrace the difference and get something extreme or crazy looking, like your boyfriend is suggesting. I see this more often with new wearers, rather than long-time wearers. I think sometimes it’s a coping mechanism, or a (sometimes very incorrect) acknowledgement on the part of the wearer that they will never look the same as they did before, so why not go overboard? Mostly, nobody ever knows prosthetic eyes are worn all around them, if we and the surgeons do our job right. (Obviously there are exceptions to this outside of our control).

Your boyfriend probably means well. He clearly feels comfortable enough with your prosthesis to feel like it’s sort of a cool thing. And he might just be more experimental than you by personality. Nothing wrong with that. But you understandably want it to be a non-entity, an accepted and unnoticed part of your daily life, (which it should be IMO). It’s a difference of personalities here, but in the end he should respect your wishes, 100%.

And no one should make you feel “grateful” for respecting you. NTA.

camopants7 1 1h32m

I feel like he’s trying to appreciate and support you the best he can but he doesn’t realize that it makes you feel like he’s lying. He’s probably being honest about finding you beautiful but because you don’t believe him/see yourself the best right now it always reminds you of your insecurities. I would try and allow him to tell you you’re beautiful, say thank you and just move on in the conversation. Slowly I hope you start to realize how beautiful you are. And if he can’t stop touching your scars then tell him it makes you sad/how you feel and try to move the conversation on. You’ve both been through a trauma, yours physical and mental, his mental. Someone in his life who he loves is going through something incredibly tough and it sounds like he doesn’t know how to communicate 100% appropriately yet but I wouldn’t shut him down or think that what he’s saying is disingenuous. I cant imagine what you’re going through but I don’t want you to send away a support person unless they’re really hindering your recovery. Best wishes ❤️

applesaurus772 2 6h28m

This is literally garbage advice.

socialjusticecleric7 1 4h4m

He's not seeing you -- who you are inside -- of course that bothers you. I'd suggest that you keep trying to explain this, maybe in a few different ways. If he doesn't "get" it eventually and start treating you the way you want to be treated, it's OK to see that kind of behavior as a dealbreaker.

This isn't the same thing of course, but I have depression. One of the big things for me in a partner is, I need to be able to talk about suicidal ideation (not plans, just the thought crossing my mind) without my partner flipping out. (And some people are never going to be able to do that, so that means we're not compatible.) If you need a partner who doesn't touch your scars and doesn't call attention to them, that's an OK thing to need! Nobody explained this to me when I was your age, but it's OK and actually a good thing to have dealbreakers for who you get into/stay in a relationship with, ones that you wouldn't have for people you're less close to. Sometimes people have superficial dealbreakers that are worth reconsidering, but this does not sound like a superficial dealbreaker at all.

Oh, also, the #1 sign a relationship isn't going to work out is when you bring up something you're unhappy about and instead of trying to understand you and then fix things, your partner tells you it shouldn't be a problem. Every relationship has some disagreements and conflicts, so being able to resolve them or at least see each other's perspective is crucial. So give it another couple tries, but if he keeps not getting it then this relationship isn't going to last.

I was going to say something about it not being ideal that you brought this up when angry, but on re-read you said you made it clear from the start that you don't like attention drawn to your scars. That was good, really good. You did the right thing there. There's plenty of nice people in the world who would have heard you and believed you the first time. So it's also OK if you want to just dump him now, but if you're not there yet it's also OK to keep trying to get through to him (and there's still some hope it'll work.)

badmf112358 1 5h11m

My wife has some scars from stupid things she did in high school. I find them attractive because they are a part of her and there is nothing about her I find unattractive.

redditgang1337 1 5h25m

This is going to be the unpopular opinion but I don’t think he’s doing out of bad intention.

Yes, you told him you don’t want him touching the scars and not to bring it up but he also wants you to feel comfortable with them, which it seems like you haven’t come to terms with. He’s really just accepting what you yourself call your “flaws”. It’s not like he’s doing it to spite you or make fun of you, i feel like it more to get you comfortable about them since they’re not going away. You can’t just hide them and pretend they’re not there, you have to accept them just like how he is.

All these other people are like red flags ding ding ding like relax, look at it from both sides.

Codymichael511 1 6h5m

It kinda seems like...maybe he's into scars or something? And you clearly arent into it

DoulUnleashed 1 7h22m

I think the answer is complicated. From having similar experiences it’s not always right being the “caring” sort. I imagine it is in his best interests but he doesn’t see your point of view. I would consult with him and make him aware you care about his feelings but need space in that area. Might just be a natural thing he is trying to do, thinking it as the “right” thing.

Sound like he did not appreciate the response and that’s why he throw out that insult. If he really cares he will admit to his mistake, just talk to him once the heat dies down.

sassypants94 1 7h23m

Okay, I’m in the minority, but I’m taking your boyfriends side on this one. I’m a female, and also have horrific scarring on my legs that has made me extremely self conscious in the past. But instead of being sassy and angry about them, I went to therapy and started to embrace my scars. I know legs are different than a face and an eyeball, but what is your incentive to fit in with the norm? Why not use your “stupid mistake” as a way of informing other people to be safe? Change out your eyes for sporting events if you have a favorite team, change it with the season, or get a sparkly one if that’s what you like. It will help you embrace being your own individual self.

Your boyfriend is trying his best to help you understand that he cares and is happy about your confidence. If you plan on staying with him awhile, it’ll get easier and you may become more accepting of something that bothers you a lot. His comment about “you needing to be grateful” probably hit a nerve in him about you not accepting his gestures. That’s not a reason to be mad at him.

Also, all you people saying he has a scarification fetish, I highly doubt it. He’s being a genuine person. Is he a Pisces? My fiancé is and he is the most sensitive and emotionally connected person I’ve ever met. Just saying.

pathofcollision 1 7h45m

A few things: 1. I think it would be very beneficial (if you arent already doing so) to seek some counseling related to the accident and your body image issues. What you're experiencing if completely normal, but it does sound like it causes you a great deal of emotional distress and you might do well to address that. 2. Your boyfriend's intentions seem good, but he isn't gathering that it doesn't resonate as good to you. If he wants to call you beautiful, he should do so in a way that feels genuine to you and not in a way that feels like he's focusing on something specific that you're still working to accept. I can understand how this drawing of attention can make you feel uncomfortable and singled out. 3. Six months is really not a long time. How long have you two known each other in total? This sounds like a huge lack in both communication and empathy towards your feelings. 4. I would definitely suggest to you that you monitor and evaluate how you respond and approach the issues with your SO. If you point out that your anger is a factor, how much does that interfere in how deeply you two are able to communicate? Have you really sat down and made yourself vulnerable, without becoming defensive, and openly discussed the accident and your feelings around your scars? If you've not, you should. And if you have, reflect honestly on whether or not you fully explained yourself and emphasized where you are with things. 5. If what he is currently doing to express his feelings is unhelpful or not meaningful to you, instead of dismissing him and his effort, evaluate what WOULD be meaningful to you and convey that to him so he can redirect his behavior and/or compliments to something that makes you feel good. 6. When he makes the effort to change, acknowledge and appreciate it. It does get discouraging to he dismissed and have your efforts go unnoticed. This is where communication is important.

RedmundJBeard 1 8h19m

I want to write a super insightful comment that encapsulates all of my thoughts about how people see themselves and other people and how our partners in serious relationships can help us through this super difficult process, but I'm super hungover right now. So i'll write a replay on monday.

For right now, I hear you OP.

lobtehfamoj 1 8h40m


[deleted] 1 8h47m

Communication is so so important in a relationship, if he hasn't got the picture yet then you're probably going to have to lay it down clearer for him. The best way to communicate this is to say "when you (insert action) this makes me feel (insert feelings)", once your partner understands that they shouldn't want to do it because they shouldn't want to hurt or upset you or make you feel uncomfortable. If they still do it then they are just being disrespectful. That said, when you feel ready, I think its best to voice how you feel about the scar so that you can process the emotions you associate with them and move past the negative feelings they might bring up. It's up to you if you want to voice that to yourself, your partner or someone else.

HornySnorlax 1 8h53m

You should be whatever the fuck you want to be(within the law, dont be a murderer please) l. Tell him to eat shit

JNoel1234 1 9h25m

I think it's natural to be curious about what happened to you and the physical signs it left behind. I think any partner you have should know the full story of how it happened, what it's done to you, how it affects you going forward, and if there's anything that he can do to help/accommodate you. For a normal person, once you have this conversation that should pretty much be the end of it and virtually never be brought up again, directly or indirectly, because there's little to no situation that it'll ever be relevant or positive for you. If you've already had this in-depth conversation and he's still saying this kind of stuff then it's probably time to move on. You're young and only 6 months in. There's not really much to loose.

jeffislouie 1 9h28m

I am fully prepared for all of the downvotes and hate that is sure to come, but I don't buy into the whole thing where everyone just kisses people's ass and agrees.

He's not doing it to make you feel bad. He loves you.

Scars and all.

He doesn't see the result of a nasty accident. He sees a beautiful woman that he loves.

Your reaction sucks and is a sign of two things: you have failed to properly deal with what happened and are emotionally immature.

I love my wife. She snores like a trucker. She is self conscious about her weight. She chews loudly, especially crunchy food. If I didn't love her, maybe that stuff bothers me.

But it doesn't. Not a bit. I love her. Everything about her. I don't care if she doesn't feel pretty. I think she's amazing and beautiful and I adore her.

You need to cope with your injury and decide if you are capable of an adult romantic relationship. Your partner is in love. You aren't allowing yourself to be accepted exactly as you are. This will never resolve itself without you deciding to accept what happened, accept what you look like, and accept that there is someone on this planet who thinks you are amazing and beautiful and isn't afraid to touch your scars and be intimate.

Or, you know, push him away, make him feel bad, and ignore your clearly problematic self consciousness.

Break up with him. Insist that anyone who wants to be part of your life treats you as a scar.

I am not saying any of this to hurt you. Quite the opposite. You are beautiful and special and worthy, and your boyfriend loves you exactly how you are.

He's more comfortable with your appearance than you are, and I can't think of many things sadder than that.

[deleted] 2 12h56m


Yeuph 1 9h28m

Honestly I feel like both of your viewpoints are valid - as in you've got a right not to talk about it and he has a right to do so and, well the stuff he is doing. If neither of you are willing to compromise and its that important to you then you're at an impasse.

I don't think I could be in a relationship with someone that had birthmarks/scars without acting similarly - I'm not arguing that you should accept the behavior, just that I think its more normal-than-not how he's acting.


The grateful part is super cringe. But scars and shit are cool, they have stories. I think he's insensitive, and you are sensitive. I don't really think this is your man, but I do think you can embrace your bad ass self. I'd make up stories. That f'n bear.

hellochrissy 1 9h33m

He accepts you. You need to learn to accept yourself.

Parther05 1 9h47m

My husband has a scar that covers part of his face. He fell while running down a hill and landed on glass so his scar is kind like a massive gaping road rash type thing. Honestly it's one of my most favourite things about him. It makes him who he is and I would hate to feel like it made him insucire. Maybe your boyfriend just loves this unique part of yourself that makes you you? I understand he is pushing your boundaries and you need to chat to him about that. Embrace it as part of yourself. :)


Hey, you're 19.

You're at the age where we hopefully learn what we want in a partner and you've found that this guy isn't it

TheGreatNyanHobo 1 9h50m

I get why you’re upset. Talking about something without having a solution often just brings up a lot of bad feelings associated with it. I hate when people try to pry into things that i would rather leave alone. Even my boyfriend, who is pretty chill about everything, hates to talk about the large birthmark on his chest. I think it is pretty neat to have one so big, but he has been made fun of before for it, so I don’t bring it up.

That said, it seems this is mostly a lack of communication making the full round trip. You’ve told him, but he has not absorbed what you said and given you the feedback you want. Do you have any ideas of how you might present it differently that could get through to him? To be clear, I’m not saying it’s your fault that he hasn’t really heard your message. I’m asking if there is anything in your control that you can try to get the outcome you want, since we can’t control his actions. If not, then a lack of solid communication paths will likely lead to more issues down the road.

D4NK4_D 1 9h52m

He's trying what?

RisottoSloppyJoe 1 9h54m

Maybe your scars are something he loves about you. I like people who are unique in some way and scars can fit into that. It differentiates you from everyone else. It's character. It's past experiences. Don't look at them just as a negative. Maybe he likes his scarred girl. Maybe he's got some scars (internal even) himself and identifies with it. Go easy on him. He's embracing something many people wouldn't.

ArtieEvans 1 9h56m

He's trying to be kind but in a really stupid and naive way

Bittersweetfeline 1 10h25m

I think he has good intentions but is going about it the wrong way. You sound like you hate the way you look and just want to be normal - which I wholeheartedly understand and get. It's not going to be easy, and maybe you will never get to the point where it doesn't bother you, or you feel comfortable doing something silly like getting a funny prosthesis to own it and be confident with it. I think that's his goal.

I'm not saying either of you are wrong - just that you feel differently about the same thing. Hope that might have shed some light on the situation.

RealityIsAnIllusion- 1 10h29m


Honestly sounds like one of those annoying“nice guy” types.

If I were in your shoes I probably would have punched him lol. I hate ppl who refuse to listen to someones wishes because they think their way is better and you will simply adjust. No respect. If you say not to do something don’t fkn do it

throweraccount 1 10h35m

I think this is a case of him thinking he "knows better than you" but not listening to you. So obviously you're still in the state of mind where your scar and prosthetic eye are not something you can live with, which is why you're basically wanting to forget about it. The sad reality is that unless they develop something that can get rid of that you're going to have to live with it. Forgetting about it is an option, is that healthy? I'm not a therapist so I can't say.

But based on his opinion of that he believes that you should not tuck it away and try to forget something that is permanent. That you should attempt to try and live with it, not hide it.

But based on where you are right now regarding your stages of grief regarding your face, you're still in the first or second stage and a sprinkle of third stage. You haven't quite gotten to fourth which is

Dialogue and Bargaining - Reaching out to others, Desire to tell one's story, Struggle to find meaning for what has happened.

With that in mind, he's not listening to where you're at in those stages. So you're in stage 1,2, and 3. and he's making you skip all those steps and go to step 5. Exploring options.

He's not listening. Communication requires both communicating and listening. You're just ending up fighting because he's not listening to where you are mentally regarding your face. You're not ready to move forward and he's forcing you. So now it's up to you if you want to continue working on that with him, or just cutting your losses with him. Is the rest of what he offers worth what it's gonna take to fix the communication problem.

Steps I was referring to:

  1. Shock and Denial - Avoidance (your not wanting to talk about it), Confusion, Fear, Numbness, Blame

  2. Anger - Frustration (you're getting angry when people bring it up), Anxiety, Irritation (irritated when people bring it up), Embarrassment (you don't want people to notice), Shame

  3. Depression and Detachment - Overwhelmed, Blahs, Lack of energy, Helplessness

  4. Dialogue and Bargaining - Reaching out to others, Desire to tell one's story (You did "short story" rather than tell people about what happened), Struggle to find meaning for what has happened

  5. Acceptance - Exploring options (Weird looking prosthetic with patterns is an option, finding the most realistic prosthetic ever is an option), A new plan in place (knowing what to say when people bring it up, rather than just trying to forget about it or get irritated)

Empowerment, Security, Self-Esteem, Meaning - Return to meaningful life

Leon4107 1 10h37m

A coworker of mine was in a car wreck as a teen and a long jagged piece of metal impaled him in the eye. When he came to he tried to move his head and couldnt. Then realized he couldnt see out of one of his eyes. Looked over with his one good eye and could see the metal protruding from his face. He started freaking out and lit a cigarette and closed his eye while waiting for the ambulance. To this day, he has no facial scars but does have a glass eye. Issue is.. the thing is he needs a new one. Hes grown and so the eye doesnt fit as well. Thus it doesnt move right when he moves his eyes. So its unaligned, which makes him look cross eyed all the time. We have issues, because when he talks to us, I cant tell if it's his glass eye looking at me or his good eye so I cant tell if hes talking to me or not. Luckily. He has 0 issues with his eye. Ask any question, crack any joke, talk about the wreck. Dude has no issues and will probably counter your joke with a much better one. He plays it up and jokes about it all the time. Maybe op will get to that point some day. Where she can look back on the incident and just laugh.

tiredofthis067 1 10h43m

Going waaaay against the grain here. As someone in a very similar situation (Prosthetic eye but very very little scarring), you need to get over this. This is who you are now, the scar everything is a part of you. He might be an idiot and going about it the wrong way, but you’re really just being an asshole about the whole thing. I recommend therapy because this is obviously effecting your day to day life.

[deleted] 1 1d17h7m


tiredofthis067 1 1d23h42m

I see your point. I would still recommend she get therapy. Her self esteem isn’t what it could be and I’ve found that getting through stuff is easier with a therapist.

fhixes 1 10h45m

He seems to think you don't want to talk about your scars because he thinks you think they're unattractive. Therefore, his solution is to try to make you feel better.

I understand what he's trying to, he seems to have good intentions. Make it clear that you don't want to be reminded of them at all, that it's not something you want to talk about or reminisce on.

He's offended you've told him to stop giving you 'compliments' and you're offended at how he handled the rest of the situation.

Talk about it properly. He's just trying to make you feel better and does understand why you're upset. You don't want to think about your scars, regardless of if they're beautiful.

Don't argue with each other. Relationships are about communication.

Don't just head for a break up either, there's too muhc of that shitty advice constantly.

All the best OP!

No_Semantics 1 11h3m

You both have a lot of growing up to do. Both of you are behaving like children. Talk to HIM about this rather than seeking validation from internet strangers. Seeking validation online WILL NOT lead to a healthy relationship. I read the comments every time I see a post like this and it's really sad how shitty the advice is. Just talk to your BF and both of you keep an open mind about where the other one is coming from. That is literally all you need to do. If you cant do that then you aren't ready to be dating.

You also cant be so overly protective about your scars. You did it to yourself. People are going to notice. Its embarrassing I know trust me I do but you really need to talk to a professional and work through it. Its clearly causing issues in your life and you need to move past it.

IntestinalVillain 1 11h6m

Grateful for what? For not respecting your boundaries? I don't think you are being unfair. If you don't want to mention your scars you have every right to. It's not his choice to decide how to deal with that.

Scout_2011 1 11h7m

Fuck that! I'd be out of that relationship in a fucking heart beat. Sorry you have to go through this.

CawCawCrowsAreGood 1 11h14m

If you feel uncomfortable with him constantly referencing them, then you should do what I did when my family members kept referencing MY scars.

Every time he touches them or does something to them, talks about them when you don’t want him to, etc, ignore him until he realises that you didn’t like it and apologises. My family all eventually got the message that I did NOT like them talking about my scars, and they eventually stopped.

I’m not saying that this will DEFINITELY work, but it worked for me so why not try it?

GrantSRobertson 1 11h14m


Don't need no context. Title is ask we need to know you need to get the hell away from that guy.

Just2checkitout 1 11h25m

Well, he's not going to change...next.

FoofieLeGoogoo 1 11h25m

He should be grateful you've put up with that shit for this long. Time to throw that fish back in the sea.

saucisse 1 11h27m

Oh noooooooo. No no no. He is fetishising you, and wants you to think of him as the only one who will live you. The natural consequence of this is that you will do whatever he wants so you can keep his "love". This isn't love. Leave

plasticrat 1 11h36m

Nah, you made it clear. He should leave it be.

Kwindecent_exposure 2 19h43m


Slorglord 1 11h41m

What it all comes down to is you’re telling him no and he is not listening to or respecting you. This is a huge bright red flag and is gonna show up in other areas of your relationship if you don’t let him go. I’ve dated guys like this and tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, making excuses like he’s trying his best but the truth is if that’s their best it’s not enough. Basic respect is a bare minimum boyfriend requirement, and you don’t have to “feel grateful” for what is actually the opposite of that.

ohhhhlorrrrddymy 1 11h44m

Yeah this is kinda fucked obviously. The thing is when someone is dating you, they often feel more comfortable pointing this shit out. I have a skin disorder for instance that is kinda intense and people know it’s off limits for me. My now ex girlfriend would compare this disorder to when she was cutting herself in high school and said I was intentionally doing it.

It seems messed up but makes sense in the moment.

[deleted] 1 12h42m

This will probably get buried but better safe than sorry. This sounds like it’s possibly the beginning of a narcissistic relationship. Check out Narcissistic abuse and things along that line. He doesn’t seem to respect you enough. You don’t need to be grateful for him NOT LISTENING TO YOUR BOUNDARIES! He shouldn’t do/have done it after the first time you tell him not to.

Stabbackqwert 1 12h44m

Maybe idk

headunitdisplay89 1 12h47m

Yes! I have scars on my head from stage 4 cancer. Always hide them with a hat, hair, beanie or bandana or whatever. Tell each relationship i dont wanna talk about or show them. They all either talk about it untill i give in, or wait untill im sleeping and look.

Antisocial_Deviant 1 13h29m

That’s just sad. I don’t understand why people don’t respect boundaries.

martinigardenSOM 1 12h52m

If you don't want him touching you like that and he does it anyway and says "you should feel lucky I try to *make you feel beautiful" it sounds like he's the one with the insecurity and he's trying to prove he's not insecure by being overly affectionate. Tbh

GMAhatesblondes 1 12h55m

If you haven't talked about it before, try sitting down and letting him ask you everything he wants to know. Make it perfectly clear that after this talk you don't want to hear about it again. Y'all being in a semi new relationship makes it difficult because this is where y'all need to learn the most about it. Now...the whole "be grateful that he's trying" is bullshit. He shouldn't need to "try" to make himself or you for the matter feel beautiful. You should know it and it should be obvious that he thinks that without him having to be overly obnoxious. Hope that helped...

remniqe 1 13h1m

If it truly didn’t make him uncomfortable then he wouldn’t bring it up. But the bigger problem is that he doesn’t understand the difference between how you want to be treated and how he THINKS you want to be treated.

dishsoap1994 1 13h7m

No. You've told him clearly not to do something and he continues to do it. That's what it boils down to. Straight up ask him if the situation was reversed how he'd like it.

You set a clear boundary that he's crossed. That needs addressed. I myself am very snappy as well so yes that's maybe something you should work on if you think it's an issue. But I totally understand. People have the right to be sensitive about stuff concerning their own bodies. Just my .02

cosmixxkitten 1 13h15m

I have a lot of body scarring/places I don't want to be touched because of trauma, and I know it's not the same, but I'd probably feel the same way if someone did that to me. I would keep in mind that he's completely ignored your, what seem to be, well stated desires to not have him do that, but that his intentions are probably way better than you or I want to acknowledge. I would just tell him that you're not in a place for that, you're in a place of feeling so uncomfortable that anybody who counters you, especially to the extent that he is, seems to be mocking you/neglecting your desire to ignore so you can cope/etc.

Now on the counter, I hope you're in therapy because you can't despise yourself like this for the rest of your life. I know this was probably a giant trauma but you definitely shouldn't neglect it. I also doubt this is the first partner or person in your life who is going to pull this so be stern, but not too stubborn to grow.

LittleLight85 1 13h35m

If your relationship is only six months old and you start out describing it “for the most part we get along well” then this is probably not a relationship that should continue.

SanaeKojima 1 13h40m

Leave him because he doesn't respect your boundaries.

catx0x0 1 13h42m

My ex used to constantly bring attention to certain things that made me uncomfortable no matter how many times I told him to stop and that it bothered me. How many times can you have the same conversation with someone who so clearly is not ever going to understand or stop. If you have to be told more than a couple of times, you’re intentionally choosing to continue making me uncomfortable and that’s not ok.

Xanza 1 13h45m

As someone who also has facial scarring, I completely understand your position.

Your boyfriend's an example of someone who will ever understand your position.

This person should not be in your life....

ChipNoir 1 13h46m

Break up. He obviously only cares about his own feelings, not yours. Emotional manipulation should never be tolerated.

jvsauce 1 13h52m

I totally understand how you feel. I split my eyebrow on the corner of a newly handmade wood coffee table when I was 4 years old. It is fucking ugly. The scar runs from the beginning of my left eyebrow to the arch and down. So basically the hair grows correctly above the scar and then under the stupid scar the bottom of my eyebrow grows. I also have a damn scar right smack in the middle of my forehead from falling on the last square of the sidewalk where my uncles had written our last name in the wet cement when I was 3 years old. The forehead scar blends in but my eyebrow scar has fucked with my self esteem FOREVER!!! So I used to keep my bangs long, like right at my cheekbones so that I could comb them over my face. I ALWAYS fucked up pictures on purpose because I hated hated hated the way I looked. But then in the 8th grade, this girl I knew since the 2nd grade and shared birthdays with who also (of course) was super girly and was always trying to do birthday favors in the form of make up/overs. I would tell her there was no point since my face fucked it up. Anyways in the 8th grade she comes up to me with a special surprise: tweezers and little eyebrow scissors. She tells me she's figured out how to help me. All I needed was to be shown how to do/shape my eyebrows with the scar as though it wasn't even there. I cannot express how much that one little gesture changed my whole fucking life. I finally pulled my hair back and showed my entire face to myself and the world. Then way later on when I started dating, I would just point my scars out, to explain how much they fucked with me and still fuck with me but because I learned how to work with my scars instead of letting them run me, I felt normal. Fuck pretty or beautiful or any other description word for how people and I see myself. I FELT NORMAL!!!!!! But the first boyfriend that actually said he thought my scars were extra beauty marks and matched with my personality perfectly made me feel like super beautiful for the first time, like where I actually thought about myself like that. I was absolutely normal the whole time. It was absolutely normal for me to feel self-conscious and not pretty and want to hide my face. It was absolutely normal for me to hate my scars and not want them noticed or given any attention whatsoever. And it was absolutely normal for me to find a way to get over that hurdle and free my face for myself to feel like every other girl. But it was an absolute special person, a one of kind type of person to show me that I was beautiful all along. Because the scars don't make me or my beauty. I do, and always have. I know you just want to move forward baby girl, but trust me, the only way to truly move forward is to face it and love it and yourself. And yes, be humbly grateful for finding a special one of a kind type of person that automatically sees your beauty and loves it WITH your extra beauty marks you (we) call scars. Love you and hope you have a great time being with your boyfriend and being you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

BlueDragonSinger 1 13h52m

You are not being unfair. Your boyfriend unfortunately is showing a complete lack of respect for you. When you love and respect someone and they tell you not to touch a part of their body and not talk about it you listen to them. You leave yourself open to discussion but you don't initiate. The fact that you have repeatedly told him that this is something that makes you feel uncomfortable and he has ignored it is far from ok and I think it's time for you to evaluate what exactly this relationship is doing for you. If he doesn't listen to you about something so important to you, when is he?

SomeRedShirt88 1 14h0m

OP, are you seriously asking us if you not wanting your scars touched & your bf knowing that st touches them is fine?

For God's sake. Of course not.

TrishCherokee 1 14h3m

I think I would consider breaking up with him and find some other man who would respect you and not do such things. To me 6 months isn't that long really to put up with that kind of behavior. When I dated it was to hopefully find that special someone who I would spend the rest of my life with. Even though he is older then you I think on some level you act older then he does but, I was always taught that men have to be 21 to match a girl of 18 anyway. Best of luck on what you decide to do but, if he isn't willing to do a small favor that you have asked him then what do you think he will do about those big issues that will come up.

brbkillingyou 1 14h17m

Kick his ass to the curb. This issue is super important to you and so easy easy to appease you in.

He's just a stubborn asshole.

No need to try further. Only been six months.

waterfalling11 1 14h19m

My scar felt uncomfortable a long time (years) and I completely understand not able to stand it to be touched. I had a c-section and If the scar was touched it was like jabbing a tack into a tooth—I would jump and it did not feel pleasurable at all. It was very sensitive. Over time it finally felt normal. I think he is violating your boundaries by insisting to touch an area you’ve said is sensitive. He can love and accept you without touching your scar. He needs to wait until you say it’s ok. Anyhow, that’s my thought.

ClassyHotMess 1 14h20m

I get what he’s trying to do, but also get where he is coming from. My ex used to point out my stretch marks even though he knew it made me uncomfortable. Overtime he stopped because I started not being shirtless around him. It is insensitivite what he’s doing but he’s just trying to make you feel better

GrantSRobertson 1 14h21m

The dude fetishises your scars. He either thinks you should be grateful to have them, because HE thinks they are hot. Or, you should be grateful to have anyone attracted to you. Either way, he is scum. DTMFA.

AskDavidForAdvice 1 14h23m

Tell him you would be grateful if he would respect your wishes and not try to approach this on his terms. As far as everything else in the relationship he should just do him. But there has to be boundaries in any relationship and you have laid them out. But he wants to be an idiot and ignore what you have clearly said and calls it trying. Its like he thinks you are saying one thing but you really want the opposite. He thinks if he touches your face and tells you that its beautiful that you will just feel all good inside. When really it is just a constant reminder of the scar for him to put that kind of focus on it.

japaneseknotweed 1 14h43m

1) Reassure him that you get that he's trying hard to be non-judgemental, body-positive, and all the things that men are told to day that they need to be.

2) That said, now that he knows you think he's woke enough in general, the specifics of this situation are up to you and he needs to listen to you, believe you, and knock off the touchy-touchy shit or you're going to dump his stubborn ass.

asmblarrr 1 14h53m

He's being extremely disrespectful regardless of his intentions. Talk to him when you're both calm and you can get him to understand it that way. I hope your path ahead is the best it can be.

boxhead1651 1 15h16m

My gf has a scar on her face from an accident she had with a car. When it happened and after it happened I just wouldn't mention or talk about it, cuz why would I? She's still the same person. Plus her parents would bring up the scar all the time and would make her feel shitty about it.

People just want to be treated as people. Ur bf kind of sucks at not being considerate to what YOU actually need rather what HE thinks you need.

fullcopperrepipe 1 15h16m

I have facial scarring as well from being mauled by a dog as a child. I completely and totally understand where you are coming from with this and, that said, I can't be neutral enough to give good advice. Just here to say that I get it and have always felt the same visceral reaction to my scars being discussed or touched. You're not alone.

[deleted] 1 15h17m

He's virtue signalling. By being with someone who has facial scarring, he feels it makes him a better person.

Every time he touches your scars and calls you beautiful, he's really saying "God, I'm such a noble person."

jamiejonesey 1 15h20m

Advising others how they should feel is dumb, emotions don't work like that. Feel how you feel. Apparently he can't accept how you feel or you haven't explained it well. This would probably be worth really talking through, I mean, hours of sharing, both of you if he's up for it. You're bound to learn about each other and yourselves. Decide from that real place what the relationship will become.

soMAJESTIC 1 15h26m

If I thought my girlfriend was insecure about something I thought was superficial,I might say something like that to be reassuring. But setting a boundary and preferring not to talk about it should be respected.

Hopefully you can get through to him

mistresslady 1 15h34m

Imagine it from the perspective of being chubby. The boyfriend pokes at her stomach and says she should be grateful when she tells him to stop. It's not acceptable in that case, right? To me it wouldn't be acceptable in your case.

Atarithehusky 1 15h37m

You were not being unfair. I doubt that you even have a temper. You set clear requests and boundaries. He keeps violating them. His response to you is concerning.

[deleted] 1 15h45m


ThrowRA29837 3 15h45m

Tell him what?

[deleted] 1 15h46m


ThrowRA29837 3 15h47m

Reread my post. I stated clearly that I made it clear from the start.

yas9in 1 15h51m

You lost an eye. You have significant scarring. This is not something you forget or move on from. What you need to do is accept it and stop fighting against it. Your boyfriend is trying to show you that he not only accepts it, but loves this about you. Embrace who you are !

I can’t possibly imagine how hard what you are going through must be, but resisting reality will only lead to stress and anxiety.

You will get to a point where someone asking about or staring at your scars will feel completely natural and you will be able to calmly respond. That is when you have truly moved on; and the path to getting there does not go through resistance, but acceptance.

helloporator 1 15h58m

No he's being an asshole for acting that way. He needs to respect your damn wishes or get out of your life. Would you still hangout with someone who disrespected you like that if you weren't romantically involved with them? He needs to stop.

stuckit 1 16h7m

The real issue here is that youre allowed to wear eyepatches without being an asshole and arent taking advantage of it.

BlazeLE 1 16h13m

Sit down with him and calmly explain to him exactly what you just posted here. About the wanting to have a normal looking eye, you dont need reassurance about your beauty, and you just want him to leave it alone.

But do it after yall have both calmed down.

GodEbb 1 16h15m

Yeah I understand I have over 30 scars on my face and I’m 16. I’ve been made fun of and they have ruined my life so far. Best of luck too you!

breadotexe 1 16h20m

I think he’s being an asshole by not leaving it alone but you’re also being a bit childish by letting it bother you so much.

But ultimately he should just stop.

High_hungry_Im_dad 1 16h34m

Maybe you could get a mutual friend tell him that what you really want is to just ignore the scars and live normally. I think he's more likely to listen, since he keeps thinking that you (deep inside? subconsciously? idk) actually want what he's doing.

[deleted] 1 16h35m

You said drop it, your not a doll to be petted or a fetish. I understand hiss sentiment but there's more to you than that.

ready_dot 1 16h36m

Hi! I'm really no expert, but there are people out there that find scars particularly attractive (check out the movie "Crash" if you haven't). I understand intellectually your position and your boyfriend should accept it, but I also think you should talk openly about it, try to let him love this part of you that you don't like and perhaps in that process begin to accept yourself a bit better. Slowly step by step. If you just shut down or snap at him he'll never find a way to talk about it sincerely and respectfully.

TrickConfidence 1 16h37m

You poor soul, I mean no disrespect so pardon the expression. If I were to meet you face to face I may politely ask about the story but would obviously drop it if you didn't want to talk about it. Every scar we have has a story behind it but I know exactly what that donkey is trying to do as well which is getting an aggravated reaction out of you. I'm not sure if he's messing with you and playing or just being a dumb jackass. I don't blame you for blowing up and I've had my face pushed into a school bleacher. I had a hole in my lip for a week or two along with a tooth that is still knocked back in my mouth which happened to be one of my front teeth.

African-Grey- 1 16h37m

I'm bad with people and anger but my opinion is that he is just a jerk. If you keep telling him that you don't appreciate it and he doesn't stop, he probably knows what he's doing and trying to justify himself by saying that you should be "grateful" so he can keep doing it. Again, anti-social and have anger issues so probably not the best way to look at it.

MidnightFox 1 16h54m

Meanwhile in the brain of the boyfriend, this song is rolling around.


poo_gently 1 16h57m

You're both still young. You'll probably not give a shit about the scars once you're 27 or so and at that time, your partner will realise this and there won't actually be a need to make you feel more comfortable.

So it's a time thing. Tbh, at 19 most of us can't make it work for much longer than a few months. You learn from mistakes etc and the next relationship is usually a little easier.

elisekumar 1 17h21m

Your scars are YOURS.

They aren’t his to fondle or decorate.

You’ve set a very clear boundary and he’s just ignoring it. That’s super gross.

cosste 1 17h22m

I don’t think his method works, but neither what you want is gonna be helpful. You already realized that people will ask question. Like it or not, you won’t ever be normal and that’s OK. You can’t make it disappear and you can’t stop people from noticing. What you can do is not let a scar define you. You can accept it as part of you. You dress the rest of you, why not wear a “stupid prosthetic with patterns”, it will attract a more positive impression from other, it will look like you’re in control of what happened to you and not that circumstances are in control of you. And after all, differences are what makes us special

Aborkle 1 17h23m

Dude needs to truly listen to you (and vice versa of course). On this topic he needs to respect your boundaries. Good luck.

Mnsyfq 1 17h24m

First thing about love is you have to love yourself first. Idc if he's right or wrong, you need to love yourself first. Embrace you flaw as a beauty of life itself. Then, nothing can hurt you. This is what ive learn from my experience. Love yourself and then you will see the true beauty of the world unravel to you. Love yourself, i cant stress this enough

Rydroid11 1 17h41m


ruski_mouse 1 17h41m

Dump him

jak4896 1 17h45m

My girlfriend has quite a plethora of scars on her body that she is sensitive about. With me and her, the same thing happened, but kinda opposite?

It was a sensitive subject but I honestly like all her scars. We call them “Stories” and I ask her about them, whether they’re good or bad memories and I love to here them. Not to mention the genuine attraction and the ease of mind she gets that I enjoy her scars

But that’s her, not you. If you’re not comfortable and or don’t care if your boy likes your scars, he should respect your wishes and stop.

chicagomiami 1 18h15m

I think you need to have a sit down with him and bring it back to the basics- intention. If his intention is to make you feel good about yourself, only you know what that is. And who better to communicate that than yourself. I think he is trying to be sweet for sure and maybe he doesn't want you to ever feel rejected. Maybe it pains him to see you be hard on yourself over something that happened in which you had no control over. Everyone deserves to feel like they are one of gods beautiful creatures. But it's not something anyone can ever pressure you to accept. If it doesn't feel true for you (yet) its because you haven't processed the underlying trauma related to the incident. What you went thru was significant and it impacted you. You had no control over it and it changed your experience with the world. When he talks to you in a certain way or touches your scars, maybe you're not ready for that. Maybe you'll never be. But bottom line is his intention is to make you feel good but that's not the outcome. So I'm thinking it would help you to communicate that gently. But also emphasize that what would make you feel better right now, is to not focus on the scars, but focus on you. In the way you feel most supported. Because your loved one shouldn't be making you feel uneasy. Unsafe. I know its tempting to push people away when we feel uncomfortable, or when they get so close that they can see what makes us feel vulnerable. I get that way a lot because my loved ones, the people I grew up with weaponized those vulnerabilities. But people we choose to love are not the same people who hurt us. And if they hurt us we have the power to walk away. One last thing, if you ever decide to go to therapy or if you have and found it wasn't successful, I recommend researching emdr therapy. Its great for trauma. You deserve to feel like this accident didn't take anything away from you. And you might feel like punching me for dare saying that, and I would have too at one point. But I can say this because I've been thru a lot of shit and pretty much hated myself most of my life. Doing that is useless. It makes you bitter. Resentful. When I switched to self compassion, loving myself despite my shortcomings, despite my disability, that's when I realized I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. I surrendered to reality and now I find myself loving myself (with all my flaws) more and more each day. Which has allowed me to love others more and more as well. Hope this helps xox

jammied91 1 18h27m

As a fellow partially sighted person (only got the one "real' eye) I can get where you're coming from - I got so much negative reaction about it growing up, and bullies can be right dicks just for the sake of it, that when I got a much better prosthetic when I was older, the best compliments I could get were when it never got brought up, because it meant people didn't realise, at most thinking I just have a lazy eye - if I'd had to continue have people, even trying to be nice, bring up the subject of my eye it would probably have gotten me way more self conscious about it than I am now.

To be fair, inheriting my mum's "I have zero fucks to give" attitude did help a little too haha, now my only nemeses are my underperforming peripheral vision, spacial awareness and lack of watching 3D shizz - also, I did consider getting a cool patterned prosthetic... when I was like 12, and once you realise that you just want to fly under the radar, a sweet smiley-faced pupil or something isn't going to help!

But if I were you, I'd try and tell your BF that as much as you understand he is trying to be nice, the biggest compliment he could make about it is to not mention it at all, and that his current way of going about this isn't making you feel good about yourself in the slightest. If he continues it on, then he's obviously not great at communicating and acting upon bettering himself, and I'd consider whether you could actually put up with that forever (not that I'm in any means suggesting you should break up, just that he should know how serious you are being, and someone you love should be understanding of their partners feelings.)

[deleted] 1 18h35m

this comment section is disgusting. Since when is it ok to keep touching another person when they told you not to do so ( let’s put the scars aside)?? She has a right to tell her bf to stop touching whatever part of her body she wants for no reasons at all because it’s her body. OP, don’t listen to all these “nice guys” with “good intentions” in this thread. If he keeps disrespecting your boundaries it is very alarming and dangerous to stay with a man like that. He knows you don’t like it, he doesn’t care you don’t like it and he thinks he knows better how you should feel about yourself and is forcing it upon you. This is very unhealthy and alarming.

[deleted] 1 19h19m

SO’s shouldn’t try to be therapist. I’m sure he means well but needs to respect your boundaries. Maybe he needs to talk about it so acts awkward and inappropriate. Ask him.

Ehvyxo 1 21h26m

I think he's an as$hole

[deleted] 1 21h54m

this will get lost in the comms but heres my 2c.

I have scars and the remnants of a haemangioma in the middle of my face, about the size of a large bottle cap. It has faded a lot, but not enough for certain drongos to remind me it is still there amd visible. It is rare, but ive been at parties and on dates where it is one of the first things the bring up and to me, it just makes them look socially incompetent. It really isnt notable enough to mention, and frankly, there is little that would fit the criteria for acceptable mention. I cant imagine why people would even ask someone about visible facial scars etc and assume that's socially acceptable - what ive learnt is it's almost always an indicator of low emotional intelligence. That part of us that goes "how would i feel if someone said that to me" - they dont have that, or they dont listen to it if they do.

I see why it is offensive to have a bf constantly highlighting it as though it were some intrinsic part of my identity. I always felt like if that is the first thing about me youd like to discuss, I already know satisfying your own curiousity is more important to you than making me feel comfortable and valued as a person - not just someone with a now rather small scar.

When asked, im always honest and tell them excruciating detail about having plastic surgery at 10 years old to remove the tumour/haemangioma and how it left the scar, and how as a xhild if i bumped the lump it would weep/ bleed. I then end with "yeah it was quite hard having other kids come up and ask me about it but you know, theyre kids so they dont know any better. So glad it's so much less visible now and I dont have to deal with people always asking about it" :p

Ruralraan 1 21h54m

He crosses boundaries again and again after he's told again and again that he shouldn't? And you should be grateful? Maybe he's just an entitled young man who thinks he can't do nothing wrong or you should look out for more signs of a possible narcissist: backhanded compliments, blame shifting, gaslighting, and so on.

Whether he's just insensitive or something worse: it seems it might hinder your inner healing process.

suuuuuuuuzy 1 22h12m

You should be grateful he’s trying?????

This isn’t about you. This is about him not feeling like he’s getting patted on the back enough for doing the right thing in a bad situation. That’s some bullshit. He is making what I assume is the most traumatic thing you have ever gone through about his need for validation and being seen as a stand up guy. This is going to sound harsh, but fuck him! It sounds like you have done a lot of work am yourself about your accident and the aftermath. No one gets to dictate how you feel about you and making it about him is a huge red flag.

kisboborjan 1 23h10m

I also have a prosthetic eye. My boyfriend never made a comment about it, but I still have confidence issues. It kills me when he sees a woman and says she has beautiful eyes (eg. in movies etc). I try to get over it. He looks me in the eye during sex and all I can think about how do I look and how weird I must be. He never touched near it or ever asked me about it. Firstly I thought your boyfriend said you should be grateful, because you have him, like you should be grateful you have a boyfriend at all with that eye. That'd be rude, but what he does isn't better either. He must accept your boundaries. If my boyfriend would constantly remind me of my eye that'd be painful and disrespectful.

thenorseremembers 1 23h26m

Nah. You should unload him. He isn't listening to you. He's trying to be helpful but in a way he's treating you like someone he has to teach to be confident and yada. It's self-centered.

Thr best way for you to rise above this issue and project cibfidence is to dump him. Reject partners who consistently ignore what you say cause they think they know what's best. Realize that you have powrr in relationships and don't have to settle for someone who doesn't listen.

morbidnerd 1 23h34m

Uh, no ma'am. The problem is he doesn't respect your boundaries, which means he doesn't respect you. Dump his ass. You've already said everything you need to say, and he's telling you how to feel.

Also, snapping at someone for crossing such a personal boundary line after multiple times of being told not to does not make you 'snappy' - it means you have a backbone. You deserve better than a man who gaslights you.

UnicornPoopPile 1 23h36m

He tried to blame you for snapping even though he didn't respect your wishes, that isn't okay. If he was really trying to show he doesn't mind he would have left it alone

I'm sorry this happened

Mikomiji 1 23h46m

I hate the part where he says you should be grateful. Grateful for what? That he's pointing out a part of you that you asked him not to point out? Your anger is completely justified, he is not listening to what you want, he is thinking HE knows whats best for you and ignoring your actual feelings. If you want to stay with him, I think you should say to him, "I'm not grateful when you point out my scars, because I've asked you not to do that MULTIPLE times and you know I don't like it. You know it makes me uncomfortable and yet you will not stop. I'm going to ask you one more time not to do it again. If you keep insisting on bringing them up, then I cannot be with you any longer. It's not a difficult request, I just want you to stop, that's IT."

Calx9 1 1d0h5m

I'm not making any judgements because I feel like I'm missing a lot here. I get your bf trying to over compliment the scar trying to make you feel comfortable in your own skin. That's very sweet. But then he goes on to suggest a prosthetic. What? Those are very different behaviors . I'm missing fingers and if my gf did that I would be very confused. Does your bf even understand his own feelings?

NFGBlackbird 1 1d1h54m

I would say try talking to him, like sut him down and have a full discussion on how it makes you feel and why he shouldn't do it and the reasons why. If he doesn't listens then it seems like the reassurance is also for him in a sense to comfort him as well. If he persists I would have to reccomend that you end it

Xx_endgamer_xX 1 1d2h10m

I apologize and feel for you AND hope he didn’t mean with what he said about being grateful that he is with you because no one else will.

I have very huge and very visible scars from an accident too, not on my face. People generally just stare profusely.

He has been told to please do not touch, talk about them and by now he should understand. I don’t think he will ever.

zoeliner 1 1d2h23m
NoelGalaga 1 1d6h0m

People are tiptoeing around this in various comments, but how about I come out and say: I think this guy has a fetish for people with scars?

f_for_GPlus 1 1d13h44m

I am also someone who gets really touchy about things I think are undesirable about me, and I regret it whenever I get really mad, but you should try to make home understand that if it really isn’t something you want to talk about either way, then he should just leave it be, and try to make you feel positive in other ways, that actually matter to you.

kenmele 1 1d15h22m

To him it is not a big deal. To him it is part of you, and he loves you. To him they are not unattractive, they are interesting and unique, He seems to accept you more than you accept yourself.

Alej915 0 6h14m

He's just immature annnnd a lil socially retarded. We all grow out of it. 5-10 years max. I wish I was kidding

marshfallow -1 4h13m

What the hell is he "trying"? He wants a gold sticker for being able to like you with your scars, it sounds like. Which is a normal human being thing to do when you love someone. He doesn't deserve praise. He sounds like the type of guy to bitch online cause somebody didn't say thank you when he held open a door for them.

He should understand already that you do not want to think or be reminded of your scars, and that he should keep his trap shut, unless you bring it up yourself. He sounds like a total ass.

Stabbackqwert 1 9h15m

Lmao. “Sounds like a total ass” for telling his girl he loves her and she is beautiful. I mean I get that the WAY he does it just so happens to TRIGGER the op’s insecurities, (proving that she actually does need the reassurance) and that he probably should just listen to the op and stop. But calling by him an asshole is such an overshoot.

Btw. Are you a man or a woman , because I need to know if it’s just the man in me that can’t relate to your perspective.

marshfallow 3 14h44m

What does my gender have to do with this? Yeah if she's made it clear to him she doesn't want to be reminded about it, its an asshole thing to do to keep bugging her about it. Even if he has good intentions. She wants to just forget about it but him reassuring her like that is only picking at an old wound, since she says she doesn't like what he's saying. What part of that is confusing to you