Team Subwoofer

Can It Not Be Both?

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The Parent Company Trap
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party

Are You Kidding Me?


Let me get this straight, I say I'm getting married, something that comes out of left field and not in keeping with previous behavior, and people react to it openly, but I say that I've got a book coming out, which I've done before and will probably do again, on the SAME DATE and no one cares? It makes me wonder what else I can say that is totally ridiculous but will get a reaction from you people.

I've been cheating on Robin with this giant fish. Her name is Wanda. Please don't tell my future wife.

This is my son Spike. He is the secret love child I had with Gloria Vanderbilt. It would be totally scandalous if my future wife or my current fish mistress was told of this secret love child.

I am a Martian, a person from the planet Mars. I come in peace, and also in your women and fish. Please don't tell my secret black love child, my future wife, or my current fish mistress about my true place of birth.

I could go on for hours like this, but I have TV to watch. So, let me just make this final statement.

I am the Joker. Now, who wants to see a magic trick?

Occam's Razor

Link to The Rail story

The story linked above is about people living around a Salt Lake City concert venue complaining about the noise that they believe is coming form the venue. This story quotes Salt Lake resident Carol McCracken as saying, "What we hear is the thumping base, sometimes it's loud enough where you can hear cymbals, crowd noise, the vocals." However, police have reported that ambient noise is not an issue at this venue and owners of The Rail have even said that they have gone to great lengths to reduce the noise that can escape from their venue. Yet the residents can still hear the noise. What can explain this? I believe I might have an explanation.

Cars with subwoofers installed into them are common in the Salt Lake area. My boyfriend-in-law has one, my cousin has one, several of my friends have them. These audio setups can result in noise coming from the cars that violate residential noise ordinances. I remember a friend of mine being pulled over once for just such a violation. These car audio setups can emit thumping base, loud vocals, and crown noise if one is listening to a song with crowd noise in the song. This may explain the noise the residents around The Rail are hearing. If a person, or a group of people, drove through the neighborhoods in question with their in-car subwoofers on and turned up, the residents may have heard the noises they are describing and mistook it for noise from the venue.

So, what can be done about this problem? What can the residents around The Rail do about the noise that is disturbing them? Is there anything the SLCPD can do? The owners of The Rail? Individual residents? Hey look, a kittie!

Rihanna For Birth Control

Introducing a new option for birth control. Plan C, or Ella, for when your man doesn't wear his umbrella-ella-ella-ella.

Red And Friends And Other People

Fox And Friends- Video Game Lets You Play As Taliban

Here is where I'd like to embed the video about this story, but it doesn't seem to work. Instead, here's a long link.

I'm not going to air my personal views on this issue as I feel it has not played out to it's completion yet. I do want to clarify one of the points raised by Karen Meredith. One of the games she referenced, Shock And Awe, is real. Sony to cash in on Iraq with 'shock and awe' game On the day after the beginning of the invasion of Iraq in 2003, Sony did copyright the name "Shock And Awe" for use in a video game. It appears that this project has since died as I can find no other substantive article about it. I sent an e-mail to Fox And Friends on Monday.

From: Redertainment C.O.A. (
Sent: Mon 8/16/10 7:49 PM
Dear Fox and Friends,

I viewed the video pertaining to your discussion of the upcoming Electronic Arts video game Medal Of Honor after finding out about it on Twitter. Near the end of this segment, the host, Clayton Morris, talked about the need for a wider discussion of this game to take place. I was wondering if such a discussion is scheduled to take place, and if so when and involving whom?

Thank You For Your Time
Hunter Red

I have yet to receive a response but I do look forward to such a response.

Revolution Is The New Fuck You

The Introduction Of Rodger Red and The Firing Of Seifer Kinneas

Hunter Red is working away in his office when Liz calls to him over the intercom.

Liz- Hunter, Rodger Red is here to see you.
Hunter- Yes, show him in.

Rodger Red enters Hunter's office. Hunter rises from his chair, hugs him, and says-

Hunter- Grandpa, good to see you.
Rodger- It's good to be back in my old stomping grounds.
Hunter- Please sit down.

Rodger looks around and says-

Rodger- Where?

Hunter looks around his office and says-

Hunter- Oh. Well, you can sit in my chair.
Rodger- No, I'll sit on the window sill here.
Hunter- Okay, just don't fall out.
Rodger- Will do. So, you called me here to ask me for money for that wedding you're having in November?
Hunter- No.
Rodger- But you said you wanted to talk business.
Hunter- Yes. You own The Redertainment Corporation Of America, you still hold a leadership position in it as the CEO, that is the business I want to talk to you about.
Rodger- So, what are we discussing?

Hunter walks over to the door to his office and closes it.

Hunter- I need you to fire Seifer Kinneas.

Rodger looks at Hunter oddly.

Rodger- The President of The Redertainment Corporation Of America, your boss?
Hunter- Yes, him.
Rodger- Why?
Hunter- Have you been reading my blog lately?
Rodger- Yes, every week.
Hunter- So you are aware of the sexual jokes Seifer has been making lately.
Rodger- I thought that was satire.
Hunter- No, that is real. The sex jokes Seifer Kinneas tells are real and have been going on as long as I've been dealing with him.
Rodger- So Seifer Kinneas tells sex jokes. And?
Hunter- A boss telling sexual jokes in the workplace constitutes sexual harassment.
Rodger- Are you sure?
Hunter- Yes, that is what the woman you pay to come here and tell us about sexual harassment on an annual basis tells me on a yearly basis.
Rodger- So Seifer Kinneas is telling sex jokes, knows it's illegal, and still does it.
Hunter- Yes.
Rodger- And I should care... why?
Hunter- Because Robin has been talking about going to the EEOC about Seifer telling sex jokes and filing an official complaint.
Rodger- He has?
Hunter- SHE has. Robin is a woman.
Rodger- Oh. Sorry, I just remember you and Christopher and the relationship you have.
Hunter- Rodger, you're straying from the point.
Rodger- What is it?
Hunter- Robin is on the verge of filing an official complaint to the Federal Government about the treatment she gets from her superiors here, and the only thing preventing her from doing that is me promising her I would talk to you and get Seifer's ass fired.

Rodger Red gets up off the window still.

Rodger- Well, I guess I know what I have to do.
Hunter- Fire Seifer Kinneas?
Rodger- Exactly.

Rodger walks over to Hunter's office door, opens, and passes through it. He walks across the way to Seifer's office, enters, and closes the door behind him. Several minutes of muffled yelling comes afterward, Rodger yelling. After the yelling is done, Seifer walks out of his office, looking like a man defeated, and leaves the offices of The Redertainment Of America. Rodger appears in Seifer's office door and says-

Rodger- So, who wants to help me throw all of Seifer's shit out of his office window?

Liz raises her hand and yells-

Liz- I do! I do!

Rodger points to Liz and says-

Rodger- You, I choose you to help me young lady.

Liz gets up from her desk and goes into Seifer's office where she and Rodger begins literally throwing all of the objects in Seifer's office out of the office window. While this is happening, Robin comes out her office, looks at Hunter watching all of this go on, and asks-

Robin- What's going on?
Hunter- Seifer just got thrown out on his ass.
Robin- Why?
Hunter- I got tired of all the sex jokes he tells and got my grandfather to fire him.
Robin- Oh.

There is a short pause.

Robin- You're really bad at ending sketches, aren't you?
Hunter- Yep.


This Is Why Newspapers Are Dying

This is an actual column that made it into the Deseret News. Not the online edition of this newspaper, nor the blog of the guy who wrote it. The actual paper. The one made of paper that gets thrown on my doorstep every morning. Seriously.

So why aren't more Garner works on DVD?

JAmes Garner received an award for career achievement last week from the Television Critics Association. And it was well deserved.

Garner is a terrific actor with a lot of personality. For more than 50 years in movies and television he has excelled in both comedy and drama, and he has the kind of charm that, as the cliché goes, the camera loves.

It's interesting that Garner is thought of as a television actor … not that there's anything wrong with that. And TV is indeed where he gained his greatest fame. But he has also made a lot of successful movies and earned an Oscar nomination.

And, perhaps ironically, many more of his movies are on DVD than his TV series.

Garner starred in six TV series and had a supporting role in a seventh, but only "The Rockford Files" and one of his seasons on "8 Simple Rules" are on DVD.

It's easy to see why L.A. detective Jim Rockford is Garner's most popular character. It was a perfect fit for both Garner and the mid-1970s, as the show observed cultural changes with tongue in cheek while tweaking private-eye clichés. Rockford lived in a rundown beachside mobile home/office and each episode opened with a funny answering-machine message, which led into that great Mike Post theme music.

Hey, you can find all six season sets among my DVDs, along with the first four of his eight reunion movies, which followed the series a decade-and-a-half later. (By the way, Universal, fans are ready for those final four movies.)

But that wasn't Garner's only big hit. The glaring question is, where's "Maverick"?

The black-and-white Western was Garner's first series, in which he played (mostly for laughs) an itinerant professional card player. "Maverick" began its run in 1957 and almost immediately made Garner a star.

There are a scant three "Maverick" episodes on a DVD titled "Television Favorites," which was released five years ago, and there's one as a bonus feature on the movie "Unforgiven" (because Clint Eastwood is in the episode).

Garner was on "Maverick" for only half as many seasons as "The Rockford Files," but he made such an indelible impression that when he revived the character in a 1978 TV movie titled "The New Maverick" (also on DVD), the ratings were high enough to surprise network executives.

But the movie was actually a pilot for a series titled "Young Maverick," with Garner only appearing briefly in the premiere to hand over the reins to a younger actor. And when people realized Garner would not be around, the show was canceled after a handful of episodes.

In the early 1980s, Garner revived the character again for a series titled "Bret Maverick," but that one lasted only one 13-episode season.

Many other Westerns from the 1950s are on DVD, at least one or more seasons of "Cheyenne," " Have Gun — Will Travel," "Gunsmoke," "Rawhide," "Wagon Train," "The Life and Times of Wyatt Earp" and many more.

So how about "Maverick"? Heck, I'd settle for "Bret Maverick" at this point.

Garner's other series were "Nichols," another one-season Western (1971-72); "Man of the People" (1991-92), a sitcom that ran only 10 episodes; and "First Monday" (2002), another 13-episode single-season show with Garner as chief justice of the U.S. Supreme Court.

Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind seeing some of those again.

And while Garner's most famous movies are on DVD — "Sayonara," "Up Periscope," "Cash McCall," "The Great Escape," "The Thrill of it All," "Move Over, Darling," "The Americanization of Emily," "Support Your Local Sheriff," "Skin Game," "Victor/Victoria" and "Murphy's Romance," among others — it's surprising how many are not.

Chief among the missing is "Marlowe," with Garner as the oft-filmed private eye (well before "The Rockford Files"), and martial arts icon Bruce Lee, who, in one memorable scene, kicks Philip Marlowe's desk to pieces.

Other Garner films I'd like to see back in circulation are "A Man Could Get Killed," a funny James Bond spoof with Melina Mercouri and Sandra Dee; "The Art of Love," a Carl Reiner-written comedy (he also shows up onscreen) set in Paris, with Garner promoting the work of painter Dick Van Dyke after he fakes his "death"; "The Wheeler Dealers," a very funny farce with Lee Remick and a bevy of comic supporting players; "Mister Buddwing," an amnesia thriller with Suzanne Pleshette, Jean Simmons and Angela Lansbury and a few others.

For that matter, although Garner's TV movies "Decoration Day," "Promise," "My Name Is Bill W.," "Barbarians at the Gate" and "Legal?ese" are on DVD, how about "Heartsounds," "Breathing Lessons" and "The Glitter Dome"?

By the way, in case you're wondering, Garner earned his only Oscar nomination for "Murphy's Romance." He fared better on TV, of course, with no less than 13 acting nominations, including five for "The Rockford Files" and one each for "Maverick" and "Bret Maverick."

His only acting Emmy was won for the third season of "Rockford."

So, yes, it's nice that Garner was honored by the TV critics of America, but it would be great if DVD makers would allow us to again enjoy the reason he was honored.

The Black Robin Christmas Carol Summary

In every workplace there is a person. A person who doesn't talk to anyone, has walled themselves socially, and seems openly hostile to everyone. Every workplace has this person, even if you don't know of such a person, they're there. The Black Robin Christmas Carol is the story of one of these people. It delves into who this person is, why this person is, and how this person can change for the better.

The Downside Of The Internet

Hurray For Optimism

Improved Versions

After I finished The Black Robin Christmas Carol, I set about putting my other two books in a state I felt comfortable with putting into the market. The first one I worked on was The Hawk. I found an embarrassing amount of problems with it. Seriously, to the few of you that did read The Hawk, I sincerely apologize. After adding about three thousand words and thoroughly beating myself up about it, The Hawk is now in a state that I feel comfortable trying to see if I can sell it.

As far as The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust, I'm done. I think there might be some problems with it, but I'm done proofreading for a while. Now I have three books for people to ignore. Hurray for optimism. :)

The Hawk: Word Version PDF Version
The Hawk: Consequences Of Mayorust: Word Version PDF Version
The Black Robin Christmas Carol: Coming November 1st.

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Review

I have been assigned to write a review for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. However, as I have a thing for goth chicks, I feel I can not objectively review this movie. Therefore, I have passed off this responsibility to my fiance, Robin Anderson. I just hope she doesn't read the part about me having a thing for goth chicks, because she objects to the use of the word "chick".

I just read the opening bit of this piece. Chick. Really? You're using that word? You know much I object to women being objectified like that! Yet you do so anyway. Sometimes, I just don't believe you.

Look, I'm sorry. It's just, that's the first impression I got from the central character of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Lisbeth Salamander looks like the prototypical goth chick that is seen in many shallow teen dramas nowadays. The black hair over the face, the multiple piercing in the ears, the dog collar, these are the kind of things I see walking out of Hot Topic everyday.

What are you doing hanging out in front of the Hot Topic? What, am I not good enough for you?

No, you are plenty for me. I don't even know where that comment came from. I was just milling about in front of the Hot Topic so that I wouldn't be milling about in front of the Victoria's Secret, waiting for you to come out with one of those free panties you can get if you get on Victoria's Secret's mailing list. And I can't be seen milling about in front of the Victoria's Secret or people will think I'm some sort of pervert.

You got a point there. Okay then, I'll do the review for you.

I love IKEA. I love just taking the long drive necessary to get out to that glorious blue box, going inside, and walking around in the prefabricated awesomeness for hours and hours and hours. Sure I can't pronounce any of the things that are in IKEA, but that is so overrated. Plus, I can easily assemble anything I buy. I just ask Hunter to do it.

Wait a minute, you object to me using the term "chick", but are okay with perpetuating the stereotype that women need men to construct things?

It's a joke. You tell off colour jokes all the time.

Yeah, but I generally put such jokes in an absurd or satirical context. What is the context of that comment?

Hmmmm. You got a point there. Okay, we should probably wrap this thing up, it's getting rather long.

Yeah, and with the pictures, this thing should easily meet Seifer's requirement for length.

I bet Robin doesn't have a requirement for length.

Do I have to hit you with a croquet mallet, again?

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo: B-

Billy Mitchell: Lion Tamer

On August 9, 2010, reports surfaced that Billy Mitchell, pictured above, had retaken the world record for Donkey Kong. Billy's referee verified score of 1,062,800 bests Hank Chien's previous record of 1,061,700. Upon achieving this feat, Mr. Mitchell was quoted as saying, "Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell." This was not Mr. Mitchell's complete statement. The following is the complete transcript of what Billy Mitchell said after retaking the Donkey Kong world record.

Why do I insist on retaking the Donkey Kong world record from people such as Steve Wiebe and Hank Chien. Well they have boring personalities for one. You want me to continue? How about saving us from that face that looks like you got flattened by a frying pan. Or your monotonous, robotic, Mr. Awesome voice. Or how 'bout I save us from your child-bearing hips, your super cuts hairstyle, your subscription to Blue Ball magazine? But most importantly, Hank Chien, I'm here to save us, from you. Because the first chance I get I'm gonna take that Donkey Kong world record from you, and I'm gonna put it 'round this gorgeous waist, and when I do, Donkey Kong, Twin Galaxies, video gaming entertainment, entertainment entertainment, the state of Florida, the country of the United States, the Western Hemisphere, the planet Earth, the heavens above, the galaxies, the crab nebula, the Universe its self... will never, never, never, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever, be the same, again! I called Steve Wiebe and said to him, "Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell." A week later he hand't returned my call, and at first I thought 'I haven't heard from this man all week. At first I thought it was because it was a spineless, cowardly, jellyfish, but then I realized that he's just... too stupid to understand the concept of records. He has the IQ of a kumquat, and I think I used too big words, I spoke too quickly, Steve got lost in the shuffle! So I'm going to say this very slowly. Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being cocky. Some say I'm being lazy. I say, I'm being Billy Mitchell. I am the best in the world at what I do.

When reached for comment on this story, Hank Chien congratulated Billy Mitchell on attaining the Donkey Kong world record, while Steve Wiebe said, "WILL YOU PEOPLE STOP CALLING MY DAMN HOUSE!!!"

Observations On A Morning In Pocatello

There are time I like to look out at what's around.
The gentle swaying of the trees,
The cars zipping by,
The birds drifting from rooftop to rooftop.
Then I see a dog and my cynophobia kicks in so I do inside.

Why I Went To Portland Last Week

Last week I went to Portland, Oregon. Why? The following scene may explain.

The In-Laws Find Out

Robin Anderson is sitting in her office, typing up her latest article about the Utah pornography scene, when Liz calls to her from the general office area.

Liz- Robin, your father is on line one.
Robin- Okay, thank you.

Robin picks up the phone. Robin's father, Denis, come into the camera shot in a split screen.

Robin- Hello daddy.
Denis- Robin, did something big happen to you recently?
Robin- I don't think so, why?
Denis- Something big, that will alter your whole life, that will inextricably bond you to someone else, something like that?
Robin- I don't think so.
Denis- Robin, I read your boyfriend's blog post.

Robin gets a weird look on her face.

Robin- Might I ask why?
Denis- I wanted to get to know this boy that you're dating.
Robin- I don't believe you, but okay.
Denis- I turned on my computer last Monday and see that your boyfriend has posted a new blog post.
Robin- He usually does that.
Robin- Yeah, I read that as well.
Denis- Is there a reason that you haven't told me you're getting married?

Robin gets this stunned look on her face.

Robin- I didn't tell you that?
Denis- Nope. Also, I haven't met this guy that you are marrying yet.
Robin- Oh. (To Hunter in his office) Hunter, could you pick up Line 1?

Hunter picks up the phone and comes into the camera shot, making it a three way split with Denis in the center.

Hunter- Hello.
Robin- Hunter, this is my dad. Dad, this is Hunter.

Hunter begins waving at Denis.

Hunter- Hello future-daddy. I'm waving at you right now but you can't see it.

Denis facepalms.

Denis- This is the guy you're marrying.
Robin- Yes, isn't he cute?
Hunter- Yes I am.

Hunter stops waving and Denis stops facepalming.

Denis- Robin, I want to actually meet this guy.
Hunter- Okay, how's this weekend?
Robin- Don't you have plans this weekend?
Hunter- Not really, unless you count playing Battlefield Bad Company 2 as a plan. Besides, I have that big fucking SUV that I've never gone on a long trip with.
Denis- You have a big fucking SUV?
Hunter- Yes.
Denis- I think I like this guy.

The three on the phone call begin to smile.

Denis- Okay, I'm going to go now, talk to you later dear.
Hunter and Robin- Okay, I love you daddy.

The three in the phone call hang up but the three way camera shot split remains.

Robin- (To Hunter in his office) I think my dad likes you.
Hunter- (To Robin in her office) I think we need an intercom system.
Denis- (Looking directly down) Okay Marissa, you can stop doing that now, I don't think anything's going to come from it.

Hunter and Robin look toward Denis in the three way camera shot.

Hunter and Robin- WHAT?


The Red Interview- The American Minors Association

Hunter Red is sitting on a raised platform with two chairs on it.

Good evening, and welcome to The Red Interview. I am Hunter Red. Recently, California appealed the ruling handed down striking down it's controversial law, Assembly Bill 1179, which would have made the sale of violent video games to children illegal. Many various groups have come made statements about this bill, but we have yet to hear from the one group this law most directly impacts, children. So, we searched online for a group of people who represent the interest of children. After wading through the mountain of child pornography groups out there, we came upon one group fit the mold. The American Minors Association is the first national union for minors in the United States. AMA President Thomas Lloyd is here tonight to talk with us. Ladies and gentlemen, Thomas Lloyd.

Thomas LLoyd comes out to the stage and sits in the chair next to Hunter.

Hunter- Mr. Lloyd, thank you for coming here today.
Thomas- I'm grateful to be here, however I think you are confused.
Hunter- What, am I mispronouncing your name.
Thomas- No, I represent the American Miners Association.
Hunter- Exactly, the American Minors Association.
Thomas- No, Miners, as in the people who mine for coal.
Hunter- They still have kids digging for coal!
Thomas- No! I do not represent kids. I represent miners.
Hunter- What's the difference?
Thomas- Miners are adults.
Hunter- No, minors are kids, hence the reason I can treat kids like second class citizens.
Thomas- No, you can't treat kids, or anyone for that matter, like second class citizens.
Hunter- Why not? Why can't minors in our society have the same rights and abilities as women and gay people?
Thomas- Those people have equal rights as well.
Hunter- Sure, that's what we tell them.
Thomas- All people should be treated equally under the law, whether they be gay, straight, black, white, male, female, minors, or miners, or whatever they are.
Hunter- Exactly, although I do wonder why you said minors twice.
Thomas- I was referring to two difference groups of people.
Hunter- No, you referred to seven different groups of people, you just accidentally said one of them twice.

Thomas gets up out of his chair, grabs Hunter by his collar and says-

Thomas- Look you ginger asshole, get this through your thick scull. I represent miners.
Hunter- Yes, which is why we wanted you on the show, to talk about the California law that affects the rights of minors.
Thomas- NO! You want to talk about minors! I want to talk about miners!
Hunter- Are you saying worlds multiple times to make you sound insane, because if you are, that is a very believable tactic.
Thomas- Fuck this.

Thomas Lloyd walks off the stage. Hunter turns to the camera and says-

Well, that's all the time we have for The Red Interview. I'd like to thank my guest Thomas Lloyd, and invite him to come back on the show once he is properly medicated. I am Hunter Red, reminding you that if a kid asks you to buy a video game for him, tell him no and point him to the guy who buys beer for kids. Thanks for watching.

(Insert Sexual Pun Here)

Hotel Room-Portland, Oregon-Morning

Robin Anderson wakes up, probably woken up by Hunter Red watching Archer on Netflix on his laptop. Robin stretches for a bit and says-

Robin- How long have you been up?
Hunter- Technically I never went to sleep.
Robin- Oh. Did my fantastic sexual prowess keep you up all night long?
Hunter- I'm the one that's supposed to say that. My sexual prowess is supposed to keep you up all night. Or asleep shortly thereafter. I don't know, I'm not up to date on my male sexual norms.

Robin starts to get up from bed and asks-

Robin- Did you already take a shower?
Hunter- Showered, breakfast, and an additional third thing.
Robin- Did you use the shampoo?
Hunter- Yeah. There was a remarkably large amount of it in that small container. The conditioner, not so much, but the shampoo most definitely.
Robin- Damn. How am I supposed to wash my hair now? My hair is going to look thrashed all day.

Hunter reaches under the desk where his laptop is resting and pulls out a bag with two large bottles of shampoo and conditioner in it.

Robin- Where did you find the time to buy that?
Hunter- I was up all night. After I watched The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo I ran down to Walgreen's and got you these things.

Robin walks over to Hunter, naked, kisses him, and takes the bag from him.

Robin- You always know what I want.
Hunter- That's what you said as you were drifting off to sleep last night.

Robin walks into the bathroom to take a shower.

Robin- By the way, would you find my black lacy thong for me?
Hunter- You always know what I want.


Hunter, Robin, Hunter, and Hunter

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!

White Games Episode 1

This weekend went up to Portland, Oregon. I won't tell you why, but it has something to do with this:

You're All Invited

Elvis and Allison Red And Denis and Marissa Anderson
are proud to announce the wedding of
Hunter Wallace Red and Robin Crystal Anderson
On November First, in the year of your Lord Two Thousand and Ten.
A private ceremony will be held with a public reception to follow at the Gnasu Reception Hall at 8583 South East Temple, Sandy, Utah at 7 PM. All are invited to attend the reception and wish the happy couple a joyous and fruitful life together.
The couple is registered at The Blue Boutique.
Open Bar

So, instead of a full blog post this week, I'm posting this pilot I wrote a while back. ENJOY!

White Games- Episode 1- Shoots and Ladders

White Games is a show about three people who drink, play games, and drink. Mark White is the owner of White Games, a new and used video game store that if were a bar would be considered a dive. Mark began White Games as an excuse to drink and play video games while working. In his mind, he is a success.
Kari Allison is the owner of the shop next door called "Stuff and Things". She sells stuff... and things. Kari often gets drunk with Mark, but the two are in no way romantically inclined. Not even accidentally.
Dustin Short is Mark's employee, friend, and receiver of abuse. Dustin does drink, but not nearly as much as Mark. Dustin handles the money for White Games.

White Games store- Day
Mark is sitting at the cashier's counter smoking a cigarette, playing a game, and drinking a bottle of red wine. In the store music is playing, abrasive death metal. Dustin walks into the store and tries to talk to Mark, but because of the metal he fails. Mark tries to respond, he fails. Dustin yells and motions to Mark to turn the music down. Mark puts his hands up as to say he can't hear Dustin. Dustin then begins to yell at Mark when suddenly Mark turns the music down.

Dustin- -unapologetic dumb fuck who could give a rat's ass what other people think.

Dustin realizes Mark can hear him.

Dustin- Ummm, sorry man.
Mark- You know, I could fire you right now. That is if what you said wasn't true.
Dustin- Still, I shouldn't have said it.
Mark- Well, if I turn the music back up, you can continue saying it without me knowing.
Dustin- Why do you insist on listening to metal in the store?
Mark- It soothes me.
Dustin- Yeah, but won't it put customers off?
Mark- Remember? I could give a rat's ass what other people think. Besides, the typical customer comes in here wearing an iPod and isolating headphones. They can't hear anything that's going on, much less metal.
Dustin- Are you sure about that?

A customer comes into the store and starts to browse the inventory. He's wearing big padded isolated headphones.

Dustin- Hello sir.

No response from the customer.

Dustin- Is there anything I can help you find?

Again, no response.

Mark- I fucked your mother.

No response.

Mark- And as I was doing do she said, "Oh, you're so much better at this than my son."

No response. The customer picks up several games from around the store and takes them to the cashier stand. Mark rings them up and then points at the display showing the customer his total. The customer hands Mark a credit card. Mark runs the credit card, puts the games in a bag, tears off the receipt, and hands the bag, card, and games to the customer. The customer takes the items and walks directly out.

Mark- You see. Didn't hear anything outside of his own personal world.
Dustin- You're right, but don't turn the metal on anyway.
Mark- Why the fuck not?
Dustin- Because I can't work with that loud music, and if I can't work, you won't know how much money you have.
Mark- Now see, that's a good reason. Why didn't you say that in the first place?

Dustin sighs and goes to the back to work. Mark polishes off the wine then starts to fish around under the counter.

Mark- Where the fuck.

Mark begins rustling around under the counter. Mark then comes out from under the counter and says-

Mark- You've gotta be fucking kidding me! Dustin, get out here!

Dustin emerges from the back.

Dustin- What is it Mark?
Mark- I'm out of alcohol.
Dustin- You sure?
Mark- Yes! I finished the bottle of wine I brought and the fridge is totally empty! The only thing left is this milk and a bagel. What can I do with those things?
Dustin- So why did you call for me?
Mark- I need more booze. You're driving.
Dustin- Fuck you.
Mark- No, the correct response is "can we stop for treats on the way?"
Dustin- My response is fuck you, I ain't driving you.
Mark- Why the fuck not?
Dustin- Because the last time you were drunk in my car you threw up in it.
Mark- And?
Dustin- It costs $300 to clean and you haven't paid me back.
Mark- Oh darn it.

Dustin goes back to the back.

Mark- Will you go out and get me some lunch?
Dustin- It's 10:30, no.

Mark sits behind the cashier's deck for a second then stands up and starts to leave.

Mark- I'm going over to see Kari, mind the shop for a second.
Dustin- Okay.

Stuff and Games store- Day
Kari is sitting behind the counter of her store, absolutely bored out her skull, when she hears the bell signifying that someone's just entered.

Kari- Hello and welcome to-

Kari sees it's Mark.

Kari- Oh, it's just you.
Mark- Kari, I have a problem.
Kari- How many times do I have to tell you that Google is a better way to figure out how to clean up your vomit than I am?
Mark- That's not it.
Kari- Tell me what it is, but make it quick, a customer might come in today.
Mark- I'm outta booze.
Kari- And?
Mark- I wanna get more.
Kari- So, have Dustin take you.
Mark- He said no.
Kari- Does that mean he knows you were the one who pissed all over the interior of his car?
Mark- No, he's still mad about me vomiting in it.
Kari- Well I can't help you.
Mark- Why not?
Kari- A customer might come in.
Mark- Come on. The stuff you sell mainly appeals to stoners, and we're weeks away from 4/20. What's the real reason you won't take me?

Kari fishes under the counter and pulls up a half empty bottle of vodka and loudly places it on the counter.

Mark- Aw, god damn it!

Mark leaves Stuff and Things.

Kari- Thank you, come again.

White Games- Day
Mark reenters the store. Dustin is sitting behind the counter and a single counter, same type as before, is browsing. Mark walks behind the counter and says-

Mark- Get the fuck out of my chair!
Dustin- I'm sure the customer appreciates you loudly swearing.

Mark turns and in a voice loud enough to fill the entire store says-

Mark- Free handjobs to all customers who purchase a game within the next five seconds.

No response from the customer.

Mark- See? He can't fucking hear me. Now, move!

Dustin gets up from the chair which Mark promptly fills.

Dustin- So, did Kari agree to take you to get booze?
Mark- No, she's drunk too. Now what am I supposed to do?
Dustin- You could get some work done while sober.
Mark- Why the fuck would I want to do that?

The customer approaches the counter with a game in his hand. The customer takes off his headphones and says-

Customer- Excuse me?
Mark- Ah, so you've come out of your own personal sanctuary to interact with the outside world.
Customer- I'd like to buy this, please?
Mark- Good for you!
Dustin- That's one of the games we keep in the glass case.
Mark- I know that. I was giving the customer crap because I don't have access to the more enjoyable activity of getting shit faced.
Customer- Could you make it quick, I'm in a hurry.
Mark- What do you have to get back to your comfortable world of ones and zeroes that combine together to make the dreck that's slowly turning you deaf.
Dustin- Will you get the god damn game out of the mother fucking case!

Mark is shocked by this comment from Dustin and goes over to get the game out of the case.

Dustin- I'm sorry sir, it's just my boss has had a really bad-
Customer- Fuck you. If I wanted someone to kiss my ass I'd go to the brothel where your mom works.
Mark- You know, I like this kid.
Dustin- Get the fucking game!
Mark- Okay, there it is.

Mark unlocks the case, takes a game out of the case, then gets a weird look on his face.

Mark- Hey moron, hold this.
Dustin- Don't call the customer a moron.
Mark- I wasn't talking to the customer.

Mark hands Dustin several games then reaches deep into the case, then pulls something out.

Mark- I know I stashed this somewhere around here.
Dustin- What is it?

Mark turns around and holds a glass bottle containing liquid aloft.

Mark- Behold, my emergence brandy!

Mark takes the top off the bottle of brandy and begins to down it. As he's doing this he rings up the customer, takes the customer's card, runs it, and gives the card, receipt, and game back to the customer. He then stops drinking the brandy and says-

Mark- Have a nice day sir.

The customer leaves.

Dustin- Well, not that you've got your alcohol, I'll get back to work.
Mark- Damn right!

Dustin walks to the back as Mark continues to down his brandy. Once Dustin is in the back, Mark turns the abrasive metal back on.