This article originally appeared in the Sponsored Issue.

  1. I am the Lord thy God, which have brought thee out of the land of thy Parent’s Basement.
  2. Thou shalt have no other gods before me; in other words, we shall be exclusive; except for me; I shall be everyone’s God.
  3. Thou shalt not Post of me any Graven Image with the fucking Gingham filter.
  4. Thou shalt not take my Goddamn name in vain lol.
  5. Remember the Sabbath Day; six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work; but the seventh day is the day of self care and hot yoga.
  6. Honor thy father and thy mother, for they are thy source of Healthcare until thy twenty-sixth Day of Birth.
  7. Thou shalt not kill, unless thy foe upholdeth the oppressive Yoke of late stage capitalism, or displayeth a Nazi tattoo in public.
  8. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless thou art in one of those polyamorous open relationships. Then thou should be good to go.
  9. Thou shalt not rat out thy neighbor, unless thy neighbor lives in the apartment upstairs and is dragging furniture across thy ceiling at three in the morning. Actually, in that case, add thy neighbor to the permissible kill list.
  10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house. Not sure why thou would want to, seeing as everyone in thy apartment complex pretty much lives in the same shitty one-bedroom studio. If anything, thou should be coveting thy Parent’s House. At least thy old Basement always had heat.


—C. Cohen