Where To Trick Or Treat On Cape Cod And The South Shore

Hi Kids!

Generally, Uncle Ted doesn't aim a lot of articles at 8 year olds, mostly due to Demographics. You little f***ers don't work full time, have very little money beyond an allowance, have zero purchasing power, and generally have to run whatever you want to buy past Mom and Dad. No credit, you can forget it.

However, this article is indeed aimed at you. It's a public service we perform every Halloween. We're not going to tell you to not take unwrapped candy, look both ways before crossing the road, don't trick or treat crack houses, etc... It's all sound advice, but we're in the Getting You More Candy business.

As Lucy Van Pelt once stated in a non-canon telling of the Great Pumpkin myth known as The Great Dolemite, "Those crackers in the rich neighborhoods be givin' up the good sh*t, like Hershey's Dark Chocolate, Malomars and stuff." It's a sound theory. Go where the wealthy people are, gather the goods several times via clever costume changing, and- above all- Have A Plan.

OShore Road, Chatham but always think twice before egging houses where, if you get caught, they can feed you to a Great White Shark.therwise, you end up in poor neighborhoods, and you get stuff like Candy Corns and Bit O Honeys. At that point, you have to break out the eggs, and things get nasty... which is a shame, because it really doesn't have to be that way. In the great scheme of things, this is about the Redistribution of Wealth, and it runs in a steady stream from Them to You... and eventually the dentist, but that's your Mom's problem.

Heres where I go when it's time to get the goods:

  • *Washington Street, Duxbury (the Powder Point/King Caesar loop is never unrewarding, either)
  • *Jerusalem Road, Cohasset (don't foul up and go to Jerusalem's Lot, which Stephen King fans will tell you is very dangerous)
  • *Marchant Avenue, Hyannis Port (the Kennedy Compound)
  • *Crosby Lane, Brewster (focus on the Crosby Mansion)
  • *Onset Village, Onset (stay near the bay, or it gets low-end quickly)
  • *Shore Road, Chatham (always think twice before egging houses where, if you get caught, the guy can feed you to a Great White Shark)
  • *Sea View Avenue, Osterville (look for the Steven Peckham estate)
  • *Great Island, Yarmouth (Look for Christy Mihos' house... remember, that Greek SOB owns a candy store)

If Mom or Dad have a sweet tooth, get them to ferry you around in the car to several wealthy neighborhoods. Properly executed, a sweep of all these neighborhoods will net you enough candy to basically be the Big Pimpin' kid in the elementary school. Candy to kids is sort of what cigarettes are to prison inmates.

Remember, some parts of Cape Cod are without power, so don't egg any dark houses. They may not have their lights off on purpose, and may even have candy. Look for a Jack-o-lantern.
