Monday, June 28, 2010

True Wife Confessions 313 Motor City

Confession #3131

After several years of bullshit, we finally stood up to your family. During the big dust up your mother and brother both told me that I'm not a member of the family and that I don't have any say in the matter. Thank you for standing up to them. Thank you for backing me up. Thank you for standing with me and proving them wrong about the strength of our relationship. Please don't be the peacemaker and extend the olive branch before they apologize or this will all have been for nothing.

Confession #3132

Dear Oblivious Husband,
You "didn't realize" over the past decade how your family treated me like crap, you "didn't realize" that the incessant text messeges from a female co worker was inappropriate, or that 45 of these occured on the day that I was in the hospital, while I recieved 10 that same day .... You "didn't realize" that you hardly ever tell me that I'm beautiful ... or that when the kids are in bed and we're supposed to have "us" time together, that you're playing your Play Station or working on your fantasy football .... When am I going to be important enough for you to pay attention? We discussed this I realize , and are trying to work on things, but now all this attention feels fake, and I'm still hurt.

Your Invisible Wife

Confession #3133

YOU ARE AMAZING! There isn't one single part of you that doesn't move me! When I'm with you I feel so at ease like I'm completely understood without me having to even say a word! I genuinely enjoy being around you, you make me laugh! When you look at me its like you can see into my soul, and you make me feel like the most gorgeous woman in the world! Your touch sends chills up my spine and the thought of you takes my breath away! The sex is AAAMAZING, just thinking about it sends me into euphoria And even when we get rough in bed I feel completely safe! BUT Last night when we were with friends and a guy started to flirt w me and you puffed up and told him to stop messn w " your girl" was the exact moment I knew we turned into a real couple! From any other guy I would have felt like a piece of property but coming from you it made me feel protected and loved, like you knew I was a catch and didn't want to give me up! I'm so glad I took a chance with you!

Confession #3134

I wish I could tell you but your head is always buried in the paper or in your laptop. I know the news is massively important but I have something to say. I am sorry you have been denied your conjugal rights- it wasn't meant to turn out that way but we drifted apart sexually. I need to admit that when I told you I bleed when you shag me thats only partly true. Sure, the prospect of HRT doesn't fill me with any great delight but it would be an easy answer. Sorry, its being economical with the truth which is that 12 years ago the love of my life came back into my life after 30 years. I don't get to see him much as he is miles away but he is with me in my mind all the sodding time. That's not to say I don't love you, I really do, but I love him too and always will. He is a positive soul, you have a half empty glass. I need to be cheered up, he does it.

When I got myself a mobile last year- catching up with the times at last- it was so he and I could keep in touch while you and I were away on holiday. You havent any idea about mobiles- and haven't even asked for my number! I avoid using it when you are around unless I have a sensible excuse- like a grandchild or child calling. We speak at least twice a day when you arent around and its lovely feeling him on the other end of the phone. One day though, circumstances will let us get together and I will go to my grave with him in my arms. I know it.


Confession #3135

When we were first married our sex life was...bland. This was in part due to medications I was on, but it was also due in huge part to the fact that when I had the urge I took care of things myself so when it came time to intimacy with you I wasn't interested and would just go through the motions for you.

A few years ago I realized that this was hurting our marriage and I worked hard to channel all of my passion to you and teach you how to meet all my needs. And you have become a much better lover. We have a wonderful sex life! Only, your drive is less than mine and it becomes zero if you're stressed or busy. Here's the thing: sex with you is important to me. I need to work at it in order to stay interested. I need to have an orgasm every 6 days - twice a week is ideal - in order to stay passionate and involved in our sex life. We've talked about this over and over again for YEARS and yet here we are, with you avoiding intimacy, again. It's been almost 2 weeks!

When we discussed this (AGAIN) the other night you asked me to wait for you and not to go back to "taking matters into my own hands." I'm sorry, honey, but the deed, so to speak, is done. After the first week I moved on and started taking care of myself again. I deserve to have an active sex life, to feel good and to feel sexy. If you can't do it I'm going to do it myself. What I really wish is that YOU would get it together and we could be intimate twice a week. But I'll take what I can get if you can't get it together.

Confession #3136

I tell you I’m seeing a therapist in March, it’s June and you still haven’t asked me why, no concern at all, wow I’m amazed at your level of not giving a shit about your wife. I tell you we need to talk, I need to know what you think, how you feel because you NEVER say anything except tell me stories about work. I don’t give a shit about your work stories. I hate everyone you work with. I’m working on making myself feel better and look better and when you see my tight ass walking OUT the door for good, please remember who wouldn’t talk, who didn’t care, and who didn’t want to make our marriage better. Sorry.

Confession #3137

Looking back, I realize that neither of us were "madly in love" with each other, that there really wasn't that huge spark between us. Nonetheless, I treated you so well for so many years. Buying you your favorite things, doing things for you, making your life easier by doing thoughtful things for you, picking up lunch for you when I picked up lunch for me, etc. You did nothing, no thoughtful gestures, no going out of your way to make my life easier, no things to show that you loved me. I don't doubt that you loved me in your own particular way but it got to the point where it just wasn't enough. I deserved to live with someone who not only acted like they liked me, but acted liked they loved me and you did neither. You told me that you were so attracted to me in the beginning because "I always had fun". Around the last half of our marriage, I was an embarrassment to you. I hadn't changed, my sense of humor and personality hadn't changed. What happened to the big attraction?

You got more and more selfish as you got older and the only thing that mattered was you. Not our children, our marriage and most definitely not me. For a long time, I was willing to live this way, as it wasn't that bad, I was living an ok life, etc. It finally dawned on me that I'd rather live by myself in complete poverty (if need be) then live with someone who acted like they didn't like me, didn't respect me and didn't have time for me or our children.

Now we're divorced. The kids and I are going to be fine. It bothers me that when you have them, while you are doing more things with them, you still don't understand that they don't need grand gestures, like going to the circus or Disney World, they want you to talk to them, listen to them, be interested in their lives and interests and just to hang out with them and for you to act like you really want to be with them. I don't doubt that you love them, as I know you do. But, you still sneak out in the middle of the night to go to your office on the weekends that they're at your house, just like you used to do when we all lived together. The only day of the year you wouldn't go to work was Christmas and to be totally honest, that's sad. Your boss doesn't appreciate all the hours you put in, in fact he used to make fun of you for it and probably still does. You've deluded yourself into thinking that you were working so hard to support the family and to keep us up in the lifestyle that we were living and that I expected you to provide. No, you worked that hard because you wanted to. No one expects you to work 7 days a week, 12 hours a day, no one but yourself. I'd been asking you for years to spend more time with our kids, do things with them, have lunch with them and no, you couldn't, you were working. Yet, you could take time off to do other things but you've never mananged to take time off just to spend quality time with your kids. It's a shame.

Good luck in your dating. Have you told them about the hooker and you trolling for affairs when we were married? I don't think so. I don't think those ladies would be so willing to buy your "awe, shucks, my ex-wife is a bi$%# and divorced innocent old me" schtick if they knew. No matter how much of a bi#$% you thought I was when we were married, there was NO reason why you should've paid for a hooker and paid to find affairs online. If you were that dissatisfied with our marriage and sex life, you should've started the divorce proceedings instead of me. But, no, you couldn't have done that because then you wouldn't be able to claim your "innocent injured spouse" status as I'm sure you're doing.

It hurts that you never loved me enough to do anything for me, especially when it would've taken so very little to make me happy. I'm not high maintainance at all and that was probably part of the problem. I didn't expect much and you couldn't even give me that little tiny effort that it would've taken. If people knew how poorly you treated me, they would be shocked. You were never there for me, during my surgeries, during the loss of our children, you never helped much with the kids, you were never proud of any of my accomplishments like graduating with a 4.0 GPA and receiving the highest award that my school offered. You didn't think that any effort other then giving me a card and cake was necessary for any birthdays or anniversaries. You just didn't want to do anything that would've shown me any love and it will always hurt some. You've made rude comments to me about my weight, my poor wardrobe, etc., all the while I was trying to make the best of a bad situation by not spending money on things that would've improved my wardrobe. You never wanted me to spend any money on anything and I rarely spent anything on me, just for the house and the kids and groceries, yet you had the money to spend on a hotel room, hooker and signing up and paying to join a website where married people look for affairs. You considered the money you made to be all yours, not ours and spent it how you wanted, never asking for my input or ideas.

Yes, I was part of the problem as I allowed you to act the way you did towards me. Things changed and I realized that I deserved better and that's where we are now. I hope you're happy living all by yourself, working the dating websites and lying to the ladies of this area about how you were wronged, etc. by mean old me. The kids and I will be ok. I don't plan to date any time soon, as it wouldn't be fair to them, as they need time to heal with me to help them but also because I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made with you. When I start dating again, I want to find a man who will treat me like he treasures and loves me, enjoys spending time with me, enjoys my sense of humor, acts like he's sexually attracted to me, etc. All the things that you, my husband of over 20 years, NEVER did. Sad.

I knew years ago when I saw an older couple sitting on a front porch swing together, very much loving being together and growing old together that you and I would never be that couple and it made me so sad. I'd rather be alone then be with you. I'm much happier without you always dragging me down, acting like I'm dumb, acting like my opinions don't matter and acting like you didn't like me or love me or were attracted to me. I guess it was a good thing that we hadn't been together for a few years when you got with the hooker because if we had and I'd found out about the hooker, I'd probably be in jail for doing a Lorenna Babbit on you.

If you don't change your ways, your children will eventually not want to do anything with you. Our daughter told me that she was afraid that when you started dating that you wouldn't want to spend any time with her at all. You need to stop being so out-of-control inequitable in how you buy presents for the kids. You don't need to measure it to the penny but when you don't buy one anything (even though you told her you'd give her something), spend $20 on the next one and spend way more on the third one, that's not nice at all. But, this is your pattern, if you can't do a big WOW present, you can't be bothered and it's going to end up biting you in the butt in a major way if you don't get a clue. And, while I'm on it, can you please buy some healthy food for our kids when they're at your house and maybe some snacks that they might like? Pizza, cereal, pretzles and frozen meals aren't exactly a well-rounded assortment of foods and it would be nice if they had a variety of foods to eat at your house instead of just that. And, don't think crying poverty because I'm "taking all your money" will work. If you have money to pay for dating sites, you have money to buy healthier food.

You're going to reap what you sow and if you don't watch out, you're going to end up all by yourself through no fault of anyone else's other then your own.

Confession #3138

Growing up, I scrawled my dreams and wishes in so many journals, feeling so alone, taking care of everyone but me. My childhood was not my own, too many responsibilities, no acknowledgement, and while I loved my family, by the time I met you, life had worn me down, even at the tender age of 19.

Meeting you, for the first time I had someone who cared about me first. Who looked at me with admiration. Who noticed when I slipped off to be by myself, and would let me get away with feeling sorry for myself. I remember setting a boundary, not ready to get physical before marriage, and being so afraid of your reaction. Yet you respected me, you backed off, and you never pushed me into anything in the years before we finally got married.

Marriage wasn't entirely what I expected. Somehow I put two messy people in my mind and came out with the picture perfect home with everything in it's place. I was pleasantly surprised to feel like I was coming home to my best friend's every night, the first few weeks we spent staying up until all hours talking... and even now we still do. Then life hit, a thundering storm that swept everything away but 'through sickness and health'. You were there for me during my mom's health crisis, then we floundered together through your Depression. I love you, but it was misery watching you getting swept away by a darkness I could not break through. My work suffered, due to the many sleepless nights where I tried to comfort or calm you. Finally, you listened, to yourself, to me, to our mentor couple. You decided you couldn't handle it on your own, and went to the Doctor. I meant every word of our wedding vows, but I never thought it would get that hard that fast. Yet, for the first time, I think I realized we would really make it through. That a little more stability wasn't beyond our reach. I had spent all my life taking care of my family, and I dreaded being the only one in our marriage who had to be responsible, who had to make all the right decisions. That first step you took towards being responsible for your own health was an answer to prayer. I knew I could support you, but I knew that if I tried to carry that burden alone it would destroy the both of us.

The struggles weren't over - there were times I wanted to give up, when you missed your medication and your mood swings made me want to scream and lock myself away. Sometimes I longed for that solitude that had always seemed so hateful. In your pain you slashed me open with your words, and I had to learn how to love you and wait for sanity to return. Afterwards you were always sorry, I could see the horror in your eyes that this vocal beast had overcome you and that you had said those hateful things. I wasn't going to be one of 'those' women, who accepted emotional abuse. So I struggled with how to set healthy boundaries. How to let you know I wasn't going to accept that treatment, no matter what your excuse and however legitimate it was. That I loved you in spite of it, but you had to take more responsibility for what led up to it. At times I wished you'd either take the meds or stop taking them altogether. Finally, you made the connections. You changed doctors. You paid more attention to taking the meds on time so you wouldn't have those mood swings. You changed medications. You became the man I always saw in there, hid under the pain and depression. Now that man isn't just peeping out, he's present all the time, and learned to be proud of himself. Now you're being strong for me, you're supporting me in my dreams, making sure that I'm not having to be the only responsible one. We even bought a home! Your career is suddenly vibrant and exciting! Mine is too!

I know that sometimes you feel down, but for the first time I can be angry with you and know you can take it. I can be fully honest and not worry so much about making mistakes. We fight fairer. You've gotten stronger. I can lean on you now, when I need you, and not worry that I'm burdening you with my own worries. You can lean back and know our relationship is balanced, as a marriage should be. I'm so proud of what you have become and grown into. You comfort me. You do things to make me feel more secure even if you think they are a little silly, because you want to give me that stability. We laugh about it, and I love that you care about me so much that you don't mind showing me in those ways.

I'm letting go of that hurt now. You have worked so hard to change and turn your life around. We've both grown up. We've both learned to take responsibility for ourselves better. You've learned to handle mistakes and setbacks without sinking into that depression. I'm moving on into that next chapter of married life together, I won't forget those lessons learned, but I think it's time to finally let go of that lingering anger and pain. You've earned my trust again, and I can finally imagine a life ahead with little pattering feet. I know we'll both probably continue to fall down and make mistakes every so often, but now I know we both can make the effort to make it work. I love you.

Confession #3139

So you treat me like crap!!! Your mean to me! And I feel lonely all the time. I have been thinking about cheating on you and I just might you pay no attention to me anymore:(

Confession #3140

Ever since you asked me not to be friends with your old business partner, we've been carrying on an erotic exchange of emails across 3000 miles. We've both had a crush on each other all this time, imagine that. We pity you.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Men Kill Their Weak; Women Kill Their Strong

This is something I wrote for my own blog several weeks ago. As I was showering this morning, I figured that TWC fans might like it too. Plus, I am Crazy busy with some academic writing that is under deadline. No worries, the confessions will be back soon. Enjoy! Dawn

There has been alot of noise about the ever-circular in-fighting in the world of Mommy Blogs. It isn't new, and it surely isn't NEWS, but hey, we all love a good catfight. Add in that the catfight includes getting to call someone else a Bad Mother and WHOO-HOO! It's GOLD, Jerry, GOLD!

I've been at this blogging game for awhile now. I've had my share of shit thrown at me in public and private for my decision to write about my life, family and permanent seat on the train to crazy town in this forum. And while 90% of what you read is True ( to my specifications of True), 10% is exaggerated. It's kind of what being a writer IS - blending truth and fiction, telling a story which captivates while still imparting some kind of truth.

And here is where I tell you something you already know: Truth is Terrifying.

Not just "Hey, don't go up those stairs, cause the killer is hiding in the shadows" terrifying but Entirely, "I just realized I am human battery in the Matrix" terrifying. Soul Changing. World Blowing Up. Core shaking.

When I started True Wife Confessions, I knew that there were secrets and omissions we keep from the partners we love. I knew that we keep those secrets for Lots of reasons, some universal and others entirely personal. Some shit just HAS to go under the rug to keep day-to-day life running smoothly. Every Dirty dish left on the counter, or pair of underwear on the floor can not be your relationship Waterloo.

To believe that Motherhood is any different is insanity. Yes, it is a Job - just like marriage - that many of us skipped towards, sprinkling rose petals and lavender in our wake. For women who struggle with infertility or pregnancy losses, I can imagine it looks downright fucking ungrateful to occasionally complain about Motherhood. And, in part, I would agree. It IS Ungrateful. Maybe even Selfish.

However, Truth is rarely pure. Truth is almost always wrapped up with tinges of ungrateful and swaths of selfish. This is because truth is Intimate. Personal. Even in a marriage, The versions of events that make up my Truth and those that make up Terrance's are fundamentally different.

Yes, when I was handed Emily after a ridiculously short labor ( I know, I can seriously Suck it), I felt....Curious? Glad that the Pain had stopped? A Bit perplexed? I mean, I was aware that a baby had just been placed on my breast and was now moving like some kind of crazed animal towards my nipple, but Did the Sky part and Angels burst forth with my Mom Certificate? No, not really. I was, dare I say it?, ambivalent.

Post Partum Depression aside, I obviously grew to love my daughter. To say that she has so firmly wrapped herself around the core of being that I can not imagine life without her existence in the world is utterly true. To admit that I have considered punching Teachers and small children ( and occasionally her Father) directly in the face for upsetting her is wholly true.

However, the lesson I learned in those moments, days, months and years after her birth was that Motherhood was a Job that many of us take On, but not all of us are entirely Suited for having. That doesn't mean we shouldn't have children...just that the experiences is going to be different than what the popular concept of "Mothering", distilled down from those crazy Victorians, has come to mean.

Like any job, there are days when I am really good - really on top of my game. I can multi-task, soothe hurt feelings, manage to get food on tables, pets fed and watered and encouraging words said over homework. Maybe I will even have sex with my husband later on!

Other days? Well, you can take this job and shove it so far up your intestinal track that it tickles your duodenum. These are the days when I am Done. I want a Drink. I want to Sleep. I want to be LEFT ALONE. I want to be selfish and ungrateful and work out whatever I need to work out in my juvenile temper tantrum. I don't want to be a mother or a wife or anything that owes anyone any kind of explanation.

Rather than deny myself those thoughts, as I once tried with disastrous results, I let them Rage. Roar. Rumpus. After twelve years of parenting and twenty of togetherness, Terrance no longer tries to cajole or chastise me out of those feelings. He knows better. I will return in my own good time.

Which bring me back to the Mommy-Haters.

In my experience, the thing I hate or react to the most tends to be the thing I need to face in myself. Just as when I watch the people who loudly defend marriage as being between a man and a woman, I often wonder how long before we see them in a gay sex scandal, or hear of how they like to have their diapers changed by prostitutes. I can't tell you how many people have told me I am destroying marriage with TWC, only to find out later they are all having affairs. I mean, it's almost like a pre-written Greek play to watch this stuff play out. Rather than be deeply angry with this type of person, I tend to pity them.

Fear is a powerful motivator. Fear of Truth is the most powerful motivator. My empathy comes from my knowledge that the fear of speaking the truth out loud to others - that these women sometimes hate their children, hate their husbands, hate their lives - is so powerful that it threatens their own very carefully constructed self images in such a way that the only choice is to divert this to other women. The "Look over there" strategy which is defined by many feminists, like Dr Lyn Mikel Brown as "horizontal aggression"

Girlfighting gets acted out horizontally on other girls because this is the safest and easiest outlet for their outrage and frustration. Girls are essentially accessing and mimicking the male violence they sometimes know all too well; and they are choosing victims that are societally approved— other girls. This pattern of horizontal aggression has long characterized subordinate groups since it manages the inevitable anger in the group being controlled without jeopardizing the over all structure of male privilege.

Its Easier to rip apart another woman than to face the issue within - that Motherhood is, at times, a thankless shitty job. It can put you in some blender of the cult of motherhood which strips away things about yourself that you value and allows others to assign you roles, ideas and feelings which you may not wholly believe. When you see a woman who has clawed her way out of the mold, she must be stopped because then, well, then what will everyone know about you - About ALL of us?

I know that I, and many other Women Bloggers, will never stop speaking our truths. Including those on motherhood and the many other stages of women's lives. When those other women are done raging against our uppity, ungrateful, selfish ways ( which again, means to me : "I wish I had the cojones to do/say what you are doing/saying") I am happy to welcome them into the fold.

Forgiveness through empathy trumps pooping on peeps any day.

Monday, June 07, 2010

True Wife Confessions 312 Urban Wheat

Confession #3121

Unfortunately 3 weeks ago I stumbled across a ring in your closet. We had a 2 yrs anniversary yesterday and I imagined you proposing to me. I was so excited, polished my nails in red as you like them, made my hear, make-up and all. And you "only" gave me flowers, chocolates and took me to dinner. Only that. I was so ungrateful and pissed at you. In the evening you even noticed me sob... So practically I ruined the day and you even dont know what bothered me. The worse is I cannot forget about the ring and I'll be probably ruining every beautiful moment together till you propose. I'm such a moron!

Confession # 3122

All I want to know is why is is that i gave up everyhing for you as most women do, Im younger than you and started a family with you because you wanted to have a family before 30. I dropped out of nursing school and became the stay at home wife and mother for you and quit my job as a flight attendant, just to give you that life, while I began to see that you only wante to be in control, but guess what when you got laid off who worked 60hrs a week to cover the bills, who still took care of the kids and manage to take some online classes me jerk me, and didnt complain about it because i love you and want everything to be ok. but instead of trying to find a job and taking some of the load off of me you stayed on unemployment for a year without even lokking for a job, you didnt even relize the strain you put on our marrige, and to be honest I dont think you care now I ask to to work part time so I can finish school and you act like I just dont contribute and im nothing,you dish money to me like im some child,well Im not with it you better relize how much I care for you because once you burn me its no turning back. I always said I would never leave my marrige but could I really stay in an unhappy marriage? Will you ever get it? we were a team. I helped you get the degree your walking around with and was really proud of you but now all I think I did was create a cocky,selfish,inconsiderate,monster. wheres my husband the one that loved me and the kids more than anything in this world and was humble all the time. You were a better person before you got laid off. I see you everyday and miss you more now than ever before.

Confession # 3123

I understand that you may not be able to go on the road trip to visit your parents with the kids due to work. I understand that it's not your fault. I'm really fine with taking the kids on my own. But while I'm at your parents house I am going to reserve the right to smoke.

Confession # 3124

Do you like my new hair style? Do you like my figure? Do you like how i sing? Do you like my body? Do i turn you on? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Do you love me? Then why don't you tell me?

We've been together 3yrs and we've had so many ups and downs till sometimes i wonder if i'm wasting my time with you. My knees don't go weak when i see you, and i dunno if i feel love for you anymore. Sure, i like the familiarity and how comfortable i am around you but is it all worth it?

I remember when we first got together and how you loved telling me the story of how we met and fell in love because it would be your side of the story. I loved you crazy! I even wanted us to start a family there and then. But you changed with time and i saw a side of you that scares me. I fear that you will hit me and that you don't love me, and even with all the red lights, i still stay...

You forgave me when i had an affair and despite the fact that things had changed, you still were there for me and care for me.

Just yesterday, i thought that i had had enough of our relationship and i was ready to leave you, bags packed and all, but then you came in from work, the first thing you did was smile at me, blow me a kiss, then you walked up to me and kissed me. You told me that you had missed me, asked me how my day was and we actually talked for the first time in a long time.

It blew me away.

Then when you were taking a shower and i was playing some 80's music, you came out from the shower, dropped your towel and sang and danced to Evelyne's "Love Come Down" song. You asked me to sing and dance with you so i stripped and joined you for our R-rated Pop idols home edition. I fell in love with you again yesterday night. The man i had loved was back. The one who said i love you instaed of i love you too. The one who didn't need to be begged to dance or sing with me.

I don't know what made you change, but i love that you have. I love that you're back... And though i told you the same thing yestaerday night, i can't help myself.

Baby, i'm glad you're the person i fell in love with. Let's get married and start a family, ok?

Your loving Booboo

Confession # 3125

Dear soon to be ex husband,
You are so fucking stupid. I have no idea why I married you in the first place. But now that we have agreed to a separation your stupidity shines like a neon above your head flashing "idiot" on and off.
Beyond your mood shifts that are worse than mine, two recent interactions with you make me nutty. One, when we agreed to separate it was you that asked me how much of your stuff I wanted moved out of the house. I told you the master bedroom and bathroom and we agreed upon this and a date for it to be done. Weeks after the deadline when your shit is still everywhere in the bed/bathroom I decided to put it away out of sight. Very respectfully put everything in drawers and closets. And now you are mad at me because you feel "erased"? What the fuck? YOU AGREED TO THIS months ago. Don't pick a fight with me about this. And second, when we are having a text conversation please follow along in the conversation. When we are talking specifically about a Wed in June assume we are continuing to speak of the same date and not changing mid stream. When you do this you get angry with me and I'm not the one who is beaten over the head with a stupid stick. You are.
Grow up. Get your head out of your ass. Stop being so stupid.

Signed, your soon to be ex

Confession # 3126

I love you so much for buying tampons for me, that I used them even though they were enormous and not very comfortable. Love hurts, I guess.

Confession # 3127

If you are too lazy to fill out the job application by yourself, then you probably don't deserve the job. The guy -- or woman -- who actually took the time to fill out his OWN job application does. There's something wrong with a college educated man with two master's degrees who follows his wife around the house WHINING because I won't take four hours out of my own busy day to fill out your job application while you watch TV. And I'm uncomfortable having to write all this blathering praise about what a hardworking swell guy you are when I know what a lazy, selfish irresponsible ass you actually are. Especially given that you aren't exactly given to praising me, nor have you ever assisted with household chores, childcare, anything having to do with my career, or any of my job applications.

And another thing? When we were nearly killed in that car accident last week and I couldn't even call you to retrieve me from the side of the road with our two daughters because you were HUNTING? Are you kidding me? No. I don't plan on ever forgiving you. Do you STILL require further clarification as to why I am not "in the mood"?

Confession # 3128

I honestly don't think that I will EVER feel good enough to be with you. That reality has absolutely nothing to do with you being better than me or out of my leauge because I have men tell me all the time that I could have done so much better. Its from the point that you compare me to EVERY SINGLE WOMAN who catches your eye! Its slowly killing me to constantly feel like who I am and what I look like isn't enough to keep you! We've been married for 6 years and I've never admitted that to anyone even you and I've also never felt completely safe in our relationship! IT SUCKS!

Confession # 3129

I thought you loved me, but I was wrong. I am a decoy - someone to fuck so HER husband does not suspect. Thank you for destroying my self worth. Thank you for showing me ALL men are the same - dirty, lying, cheating bastards. Who am I kidding? If you could cheat on your wife with me - I guess karma has come back to bite me big time, eh?

Confession # 3130

I've said some mean things. I've yelled. I emailed some girls. I sent one a text. I was snarky on your facebook page. I went through your stuff, pulled anything that was mine, inappropriate to have around a child, or trash and repacked it NICELY organized. (Since your stuff has been here for 60 days, it's now legally mine. Not that I want it, but technically I can go through it as many times as I like.) I ADMIT TO ALL OF IT! Yes, I did those things! I'm sorry! Am I justifying and defending them? No! Are you justifying and defending your right to lie? Yes! Have you said to me that the things you have done are inappropriate and you will never do them again? Nope.

Demanding that I say that I behaved inappropriately for emailing your "friends" and demanding that I promise I would never do it again is beyond hypocritical. The worst thing I've ever done is email some chicks (who you claimed at the time you didn't even like)... and you're using that to justify your lying to me? I'm just gobsmacked.

You left your room full of weird sex toys and porn, barely hidden, and I behave inappropriately? You drive drunk, lie, cheat, go to fight clubs, strip clubs, do drugs, bring drunk people home and let them barf and piss on the floor, are addicted to porn and leave it WHERE OUR SON CAN FIND IT, smoke around him, feed him crap, send him to school with no breakfast, let him watch inappropriate media, and you defend your right to do it all. You never APOLOGIZED to me for even half that stuff and you certainly never said that you would never do those things again. You claimed that you have the right to buy porn even though it made the check to the pediatrician bounce!

I'm inappropriate? REALLY?

You even said I was ruining your reputation with my "slander". REALLY?

Slander is a lie. I've never lied about you, I just revealed things you want to keep hidden.

And as far as your "apology" for cheating goes... you said you were sorry. Yes, you did. You said it. But why on earth would I accept words from a known and self admitted liar? I needed your ACTIONS to prove that you were sorry. Your words mean nothing, actions are the only thing that matters. When your actions proved to me that you were going to keep lying to cover up your bad behaviors, and that you didn't really love me, I knew the apology you offered was bullshit. You were sorry you got caught, not sorry for doing it. Your apology in words, no matter how heartfelt they were at the time, was killed by your actions.

Your actions are the proof of your intent, whether it's conscious or unconscious. I think that you keep your unconscious need to sabotage so well hidden from your conscious desire for family, that you don't even see it. That's why I keep on you still. Stop lying to yourself at least. You made a choice about what is important to you. Family wasn't the winner. Even now. The phone bill and bank statement prove it. You keep telling yourself that your son is the most important thing in the world to you, but you pick up the phone and call your girlfriend. There were days when you didn't even speak to your son ONCE. And there are even more days when if I hadn't dialed the phone and handed it to him, you would not have talked to him. Guess how many times you called your girlfriend on those days? You spend $440 in ONE month on phone calls to her, and didn't see your son or give me a DIME for his care. WAKE UP.

And you're worried about what I say to your "friends"? Why don't I email your friends this: Stop buying porn and pay for his fucking doctor. Call your son more than you call the lady you say you don't like. If you don't want me to file court ordered child support, then WHY DON'T YOU OFFER ME SOME HELP??? You are making double checks and I have to put up with you trying to humiliate me to get money for a bill from when you were living here! I ended up making you pay the phone bill because you give me such grief about asking for money! Your aunt told me that I SHOULD file for child support. Your best friend said I SHOULD file court orders and let the judge decide. That's what your friends and family ADVISED ME TO DO. And you're pissed off at me for doing it?

You keep proving to me that you are a passive aggressive narcissist by saying things that are right out of the personality disorder rule book. Stop. Be unique in your dysfunction - that's the least you can do. And don't be a hypocrite. That's the worst.