December 6, 2010

Geico Rejects Optimus Prime's Insurance Claim

"I swear it happened while I was in the store... honest!!!"

This is a letter from Geico to a certain Optimus Prime in regards to why they can not cover repair costs that are being requested:

Dear Mr. Prime,

We have received your accident-claim reports for the month of June—they total 27. I regret to inform you that GEICO will not be able to reimburse you for any of those repairs.

I feel that I have sent the same letter to you once a month for the last six months, and I am now sending it again. Since becoming a GEICO customer in January of this year, you have reported 131 accidents, requesting reimbursement for repairs necessitated by each one. You have claimed not to be responsible in any of them, usually listing the cause of the accident as either "Sneak attack by Decepticons" or "Unavoidable damage caused by protecting freedom for all sentient beings." The only repairs for which you were reimbursed were the replacement of a cracked fender and a headlight, required after a Mr. I. Ron Hide backed his van into your truck; these cost $1,286.63. Our own investigation concluded that you were not at fault and that Mr. Hide had been drinking prior to the accident. Though police were unable to test his blood-alcohol level—Mr. Hide claimed that it would be impossible for police to examine his blood-alcohol content with a Breathalyzer, because he "doesn't breathe"—under Washington-state law, refusal to take a Breathalyzer test is equivalent to returning a result above the legal level. But, I repeat, those were the only repairs for which you have been reimbursed, and it was a very minor accident in comparison to your other claims. I mention a few to illustrate the larger trend:

$379,431.34 requested reimbursement for repairs to your truck cabin. You claimed the damage was caused by attacking fighter jets.

$665,789.11 requested reimbursement for repairs to your trailer. You claimed the damage was caused by a giant mechanical scorpion, which I can only assume is some amusement-park ride, although I question the wisdom of bringing your mobile home so close to such dangerous equipment.

$6,564,239.44 requested reimbursement for repairs to a truck part called the "Autobot Matrix of Leadership." You stated this occurred in "an ultimate confrontation between good and evil," with a Ms. Meg Atron and a Mr. U. Nicron causing the damage in question. Mr. Prime, I have checked every known car- and truck-part catalog published in the United States and have found nothing even resembling that part, never mind any part so expensive. Whatever disagreements you had with Ms. Atron and Mr. Nicron, I suggest that next time you either settle things peaceably or leave your Autobot Matrix of Leadership at home so it doesn't break. GEICO does not cover Autobot Matrix of Leaderships.

And the list goes on. Mr. Prime, I am going to remind you again: Your policy with GEICO only reimburses you for accidents that occur while you are engaged in the reasonable use of your truck and trailer. As I told you when you originally purchased the policy, GEICO does not offer Megatron coverage, Starscream coverage, Soundwave coverage, Decepticon coverage, or Energon-blast coverage. Those are just not the types of damages we would expect from reasonable use. To sum up, GEICO has been unable to reimburse you for any repairs, but due to the high number of accidents you have been a party to this month, combined with the many accidents you have had in the preceding five months, your premium has increased to $235,567.50 per month. While that may seem like a lot, I remind you that it is a savings of $137 over Progressive and $98 over State Farm. Please have your check into our main office by the end of July.
Simon Furman

My god... thats pretty good!!! Thanks to for this hysterical letter and Ed for passing it along.


  1. Now THAT is funny. You would think the insurance company would have some kind of special fund for Transformers or other cartoon vehicles like those Wacky Racers. Couldn't they just hire some asian kid to redraw the damaged pieces? I am not in that industry so I don't know.

  2. Wacky Races... nice Kal!!! Thats one of my favorite cartoons!!! This one was kinda funny. Glad you liked it!!!

  3. Looking for aid with Accident Claims in Liverpool. deals with Motoring Offence Liverpool, Driving Offence Liverpool, Speeding Solicitors Liverpool. We are dedicated in offering a quality and value for money service to all our clients both publicly and privately funded.

  4. Um... you do realize that this is a joke, right? That Geico would never insure Optimus Prime because Optimus Prime is a fictional character, right? Right? Right... just checking!!!

  5. You're yellin' at spam, son.

    I dunno what's worse. Spam or someone yelling at spam.


  6. This sapammer's comments actually reminded me of those 'bing' commericals

    "Optimus Prime's Insurance....

    Insurance? Insurance Liverpool, Insurance U.K....Is my insurance to high? Insurance rates. Health Insurance. Insure yourself before it's too late. Insure the uninsurable...."

  7. I know its spam... just thought I would have some fun for the benefit of the readers (and push the comment numbers up!!!)