Here Are Five Negotiation Myths We Can Leave Behind In 2017

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As 2017 comes to a close, let's look at some negotiating misconceptions that we can leave behind for good.

The last year has been an interesting chapter for women's rights. In politics and in the boardroom, it's been a transformative and difficult year. January of 2017 was a month of historical and global protests against the Presidential election results in the United States. This was followed by policy changes in some states on the issue of privacy around salary history, an issue critical to women closing the pay gap. This year also included exposing long term sexual abuse and harassment with the #metoo hashtag campaign, laying bare the depth and breadth of abuse in nearly every industry. If 2017 was a year of nasty transparency, perhaps 2018 will be a year of healing and strength training, particularly when it comes to redefining a better way to act with leadership and  professionalism. Central to leadership is negotiation as a business and leadership skill. I was fortunate to interview many top leaders across industries this year, as well as re-examine ideas we might have about the skill of negotiation. Let's take a look at the top five negotiation myths that can remain in 2017, as we move forward to a new year.

1) Every negotiation is competitive and involves conflict.

Over the years that I've taught or coached negotiation skills, I am always struck by the close association between the words negotiation and competition. Many people seem to think these two words are the same, as I saw in a recent training I ran. The reality is that negotiation comes in many different forms, which is probably why I find it to be endlessly fascinating. Negotiation skills involve being seen and heard, and collaboration, or creating those mutually winning outcomes, is the mark of an expert negotiator.

Negotiation skills can also be used to dissolve conflict as well as miscommunication or misunderstanding, like using polite disruption to break up the angry momentum of a conversational bully. The accommodating style of negotiation is another form of verbal diplomacy that goes underused and undervalued. While watching Condoleeza Rice on a Sunday morning talk show, I learned elegant phrases that could help me negotiate conflict as well as stop over-apologizing.

Negotiation skills can be a form of individualized peace-making, in addition to creating collaborations and partnerships. The idea that it always is competitive and involves conflict is simply an outdated notion.

2) The pay gap isn't real.

Many important people, like Fatima Goss Graves, are working (and have been working) to make the pay gap a permanent footnote and equal pay a new reality. But unfortunately, the gender pay gap is still real and persistent. Equal Pay Day continues to mark the day women have to work into the new year in order to earn the equivalent of their White male counterpart. While White and Asian American women are making about $0.80 on the dollar, Black, Latina and Native American Indian women still make from $0.60 or less on the dollar. In fact, some experts believe that given current economic trends, it might not be until 2152 that we have full pay equity across genders and races.

Working to end the pay gap is happing on many fronts, including state and local policies that ban the practice of asking for salary history. The thinking is that banning this practice can protect women who tend to work at lower salaries, and it can prevent a potential employer from forcing a concession by the job seeker to take lower pay. Some states and large cities have successfully adopted this ban. In addition, some corporate and commercial organizations have found that using previous salary history doesn't create a culture of innovation or recruit top talent. A better way forward for job seekers and employers is to use market value instead when you're deciding issues of pay.

3) Being a good negotiator is tied to your gender or personality.

While mansplaining is a particular communication error, negotiation skills can help you point out and defuse patronizing communication. The further truth is that being a persuasive communicator or team leader shouldn't hinge on assumptions or on being the loudest voice in the room. Introverts have been celebrating increasing visibility, including the growing knowledge that ambitiously introverted people can be exceptional negotiators precisely because they tend to be exceptional listeners.

The other common misconception is that successful negotiators are competitive and don't yield when negotiating with others, or that being accommodating in style is a "feminine" approach. This simply is not true. Having an accommodating negotiation style can actually be a secret negotiating asset, particularly when you're client-facing and want to retain customers or are trying to keep a team together.

One toxic personality that isn't partial to gender and shows up in all sorts of people is the narcissistic personality disorder. Being able to spot the signs is important for everyone dealing in situations where a narcissist might be creating harm to others or an organization. It's definitely a situation where having a strong walk away plan is a necessity.

4) Only women suffer from negative backlash when they ask for money.

Deciding when and how to negotiate for more pay or benefits is a personal decision each individual needs to make. Some research would indicate that listening to your own judgement is the best advice, including deciding to not negotiate, particularly when navigating negative backlash. But new research also suggests that men who have lower social status might also risk a negative backlash when they try to negotiate their salaries. This might suggest that negative backlash is a result of social hierarchy, not gender.

5) Negotiation skills are impossible to learn. You have them or you don't.

Psychologist Adam Grant mentioned in a post on job resiliency that "it's getting harder to succeed without soft skills. There's a premium on coordination, negotiation, persuasion, and social perceptiveness." He cites a recent paper by David Deming published in the National Bureau of Economic Research that shows that these social skills are critical to the success of our larger economy and jobs in 2018 and beyond. Similar to myth #3, being a good negotiator can be influenced by personality but it does not determine whether you can or cannot develop negotiation skills. Good negotiators are aware of many aspects at the same time, like their body language, their verbal tone, and the strategies and tactics that might be appropriately applied to the situation. All of these aspects can be learned, and practicing skills can generate your authentic power.  This might be found in practicing with a friend, using audio or video recording to help create objective feedback so you can refine your presentation, or just build your confidence. There are also many other free ways to practice and build your confidence and power.

Let's make sure 2018 is a year where we confidently move forward, not look back.

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I help leaders negotiate authentically with emotional intelligence. I am passionate about elevating remarkable stories of collaboration that connect people with their p