Just a reminder that I’m not a children’s entertainer and have little patience for toddlers, so please don’t assume I will be working in your Creche. Children have very little patience for caricatures and often end up in tears, so please don’t force them upon me. I am an adult entertainer, expert in making grown ups burst into laughter and creating a buzz. Children do not create a buzz, they kill it.

27 years experience has shown me that children make bad subjects, as they have no features, no patience and few manners, so a long queue of rowdy children invading my space can totally kill any joy I bring to your event. Therefore I always insist on drawing children later in the event, rather than first.

I write this after having been threatened at a recent wedding, by a burly father whose son was in tears when I ran out of time to draw him, while concentrating instead on the other 70 grown up guests. So instead of laughter and cheer, I left with threats and tears in my head and was late arriving at my next booking. 

Please remind your guests. It is my job to entertain adults, not look after children.