Sunday, January 18, 2015

Color me unimpressed

I very much doubt that an interrogation, followed by a staring contest, is the path to True Love:
This week, Vancouver-based academic wrote about her fledgling relationship in the New York Times. She explained how, over the summer, she and an acquaintance sat in bar and tried a psychological experiment from the 90s: testing the theory that by asking each other 36 questions, it was possible to fall in love.

Examples include: What’s your most treasure memory? Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing?  Each question is designed to be harder than the last.

The aim? To foster the atmosphere of intimacy that romantic relationships thrive on and accelerate the path to love. The whole thing finishes with the participants staring into each other’s eyes for four minutes. Psychologist Arthur Aron first conducted it, with more than 100 strangers in 1997. Six months later? Two of them married.
The psychologist could have gotten better results by having them each do ten shots. He'd probably have ended up with more pregnancies and more marriages.

Love is Initial Attraction + Time + Work + Commitment.


Anonymous said...

The four-minute staring session was probably more helpful than the questions.

Jürgen Becker said...

I;m currently reading Roosh's "Day Bang" and one of the main points he makes is to avoid asking a girl too many questions in a row, because it scares them off. Also, asking a girl I just met a question about death seems particularly idiotic.

Earl Thomas said...

Well once you get past the misleading headline they reveal the truth at the end.

'The experiment distils what we all know, deep down, about love in its many forms: you have to want it. '

D. Lane said...


Tell me...


How do you want to die?

Properly delivered, I'd pay to see the reaction to that.

will said...

Studying marketing psychology my whole life, I know there's truth in the 36 questions approach. I've seen the list years ago and do use it once in awhile. The mind is constantly taking short-cuts. You can short-cut to love emotions. Dating websites deploy textbook technics to make people feel a connection: commitment, social proof, authority, scarcity, etc.

Alexander Thompson said...

Time? Your average woman can make the case of never seeing a guy again after 20 minutes, or six texts.

Ben Cohen said...

D. Lane, I think Tyrion Lanniser covered the question on how you would want to die.

Anonymous said...

Ten shots? Assuming 10 x 2 oz. shots of liquor (typically 80 proof, i.e. 40% ABV) during a typical two-hour bar visit, that's a shot every 12 minutes. Two people with 120 fl. oz of booze in them aren't going to be getting married or pregnant -- they;ll be too busy vomiting. The innkeeper is going to be calling 911 before he calls Marryin' Sam.

Still, booze would work better than playing Twenty Questions. In vino veritas.

Conscientia Republicae said...

To quote Shannon in Forsythe's "The Dogs of War", with the wind in my hair and a bullet in my teeth.

Anonymous said...

While I don't care for their questions, I think there's a truth here: it's a lot easier to fall in love with someone than most people think, if you're actually open to it. Spending time together and shared emotional experiences can do it. Nowadays, the assumption is that you have to find your perfect match, and that only one person in thousands (if not billions) will do. A few generations ago, most men and women were able to find someone suitable within their own village or neighborhood, possibly choosing from a small pool of a few dozen, and then the hardships of starting a family brought them closer.

So I'd say that IF you were dealing with people who actually want to find a spouse, and IF they didn't have sky-high expectations and baggage, then putting two people through something like this could be a way to see if they click enough to try for more. Not to see if their answers match, but to see if their attitudes about the process mesh, whether it brings them together or pushes them apart.

Natalie said...

I think for girls the questions can be a short cut to "Does he have any sense of direction, purpose, or calling." None of those are necessary for a fling, but earnest Christian girls tend to be fairly gung ho for that sort of thing. For instance, I love that I'm always learning from my husband and that he appreciates my ability to ask him questions that make him think more about the topic. Fortunately for us we started arguing about history, literature, and theology before admitting we liked each other. The "let me grill you for an hour" issue never came up. My friend once dated a guy who apparently either didn't think or couldn't express anything. She eventually stopped dating him. Sooner or later the sober and marriage minded want to know where this train is heading.

mmaier2112 said...

Two out of a hundred? Did I miss something here?

Laguna Beach Fogey said...

Too much talking kills the initial attraction. Some of my most memorable bangs were preceded by steady gaze, a smile, head nod, and very few words. I've even picked up women by simply asking them if they want to go home and f*ck. True, love wasn't what I was aftet.

In general I find that women prefer the big, strong, silent type--not the beta chatterbox.

Also, as I've aged I find I have even less patience for prolonged conversations with women. They increasingly bore me. Feigning interest in their drama is getting more exhausting.

Also, as I've

LP 999/Eliza said...

Please no to maybe a few questions, my head will hurt. Do I ask one thing of him or her? Never, I just exist. Just pass the water, let me take my coat off, put my feet up and breath. I would sink under the table after the 4th intrusive question, crawl to the door, wave a taxi and pick my car up later.

Or like last time, I relayed at AG about the now saga of the recent time I had so many questions thrown at me I broke out into a sweat. had so much anxiety I ran out. I mean, it was over 8 questions, like school, upbringing, college, my 20's, politics. which led to why was I homeschooled, why did we live here and there, why do I wear this and that, why dont I vote, why do I listen to 2ne1, why don't I drink, do I use drugs, why am I so thin, do I plan on children, why am I sweating, do I feel ok? Where are you going, you left your jacket, aren't you going to say goodbye?

2ne1 is fun that is all.

I have never been so fed up with a man and I am a writ large anti feminist. Let let me sip and relax. You talk, I'll listen drowning out your entire monologue by tuning into the white noise.

Questions are for nosey people who are too lazy to watch and observe someone over time - or people are so stupid they ask questions of pathological liars wondering why they were lied to. Sometimes in life you have to already know the answers to what you ask of others.

Beach bro fogey; Exactly, very few words, there is noting really to say if two people are in tune to each other.

There is no reason to ask anyone how they are or whats up. none. just chill.

LP 999/Eliza said...

I ran into the gamma rage talker, not a easy going beta chatterbox. Him and his pal hit me up on ps3 or email, I ignore them. I did have to relay the orbiting to the Finn and my family b/c I am creeped out.

A rational alpha, sig or del will tell me about work, weather, easy things. Faith, music, fun topics, I can listen to that, I cannot cope with interrogations.

the gamma rager's best pal and the gammatude bitch boy are going to file court docs monday, today b/c they claim I harassed them in asking to be left alone. I reminded the the boys its a holiday, I don't care and make sure to file Tuesday. Meanwhile, I called the police last week, they already knew me from the times they had to come to my house to pick up dad or pick up mom after a fall or take me out on a stretcher 2 months ago. I was sick with the flu, nothing major, called the ER who sent an ambulance to get me, the police are called to assist b/c some in the area know both parents are in and out of hospitals, nursing homes and rehabs.

Anyways, I relayed the situation to them and said the police were called on me that day. They asked if I knew, I said no, I asked about the 2 names in question, they confirmed the 2 men are a nuisance to the station over women. They assured me my top matters are not the 2 men but taking care of myself and putting family 2nd or 3rd in line. I was relieved they heard my side and said its domestic, free speech, rejection reaction problems in all sorts of social circles.

Paul, Dammit! said...

My wife and I get a lot of questions about how the hell we ended up married when neither of us spoke much of the other's language when we were first dating.

...women, especially, don't like the answer. That was a feature, not a bug.
As Vox said, "Initial Attraction + Time + Work + Commitment."
Overcoming the language barrier took both time and work. The questions that came were the big ones first, and the answers were simplified until our communication improved. Once we were married and my wife was pregnant, there was other work to be done in the business of being married, but throttling the rate at which we truly got to know each other over the course of being involved and married has not done our marriage any harm in the long term. You can figure out core values, and discover game-changing revelations in a few simple words, turns out. Everything else, all the subtleties, well, they're just not as important as people credit. Plus, now that we actually do speak a common tongue fluently, discovering all those things of lesser meaning improves our connection, anyhow.
Still, this was an interesting project, and worth publishing the results, even if it was just a null hypothesis being tested.

Vincent Castrillo said...

Nah love is a good cocksmith + hero worship (of the male) + femininity (of the female). Lose enough of any one of these and the "love" that you sense fades away. Romantic love is a myth. Caveman dragging Jane and molding Jane into a proper woman by being a proper man mixed with time and children is what love is.

de ti said...

“Initial attraction + Time + Work + Commitment = Love”

Yeah. Remove any of these and the result isn’t love, or lust, or even friendship, but resentment and frustration.

Remove initial attraction, and all you’re left with is two people slogging away for “not worth it.” That leads to resentment.

Remove time, and you have a relationship that will flame and fizzle out, leading to constant frustration.

Remove work, and you have resentment because no one’s willing to do anything to keep it going.

Remove commitment, and you have an extended hookup, a months or years long one night stand, which will eventually lead to resentment.

de ti said...


It’s funny, isn’t it, how content you can be, or even how happy you can be, when you don’t have much of a choice.

It’s kind of funny how content and happy you can be when you don’t have time to think about how “other people” have it. It seems odd how content and happy you can be when you have so much that you don’t have time to think about what you don’t have.

Ten41 said...

Love is Initial Attraction + Time + Work + Commitment.


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