Tis The Season...To Eat Your Kids' Candy

Halloween is upon us, and tonight will be filled with spooky and silly fun as kids everywhere drag their parents around their towns, high on sugar and the thought of even more sugar. Then they'll come home, to do the candy trade with the grave seriousness of Wall Street traders, before passing out in their costumes, to dream not of sugarplums, (that thankfully doesn't come for another few months) but of peanut butter cups and Kit Kats. School tomorrow is going to be a nightmare. But they don't care about that, and will sleep soundly. Which gives you the opportunity to do what you've been waiting to do all night. Steal their candy.


Oh, don't look at me like that. This is your moment! You know damn well that they don't know the exact numbers of Snickers in that bag. And don't you deserve this? You bought or made their costume. You dragged your middle aged body around three neighborhoods without so much as a thermos of wine to keep you company. You're the one who has to rouse them from their sugar comas in the morning to go to school. You earned this! There is no Halloween law that says only the kids get to reap the rewards of the night, and you BIRTHED these children for the love of God. You get to kick your feet up for ten damn minutes with a mini Milky Way because it's only right.


And let's talk about that leisurely stroll through the neighborhood for a minute. The 10 year old wants to be with his friends. The 7 year old is cold and wants to go home. The toddler is in full meltdown mode. You are trying to keep track of your kids in an ocean of other kids, all of whom don't even look like themselves IN THE DARK and did I mention there's no wine? There's no wine. You eat those Sweet Tarts, and don't you dare think twice about it.


Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I love watching the kids in costume, but don't you think for a second that I don't see you, the parents, through the masses of little goblins. You deserve to go pilfering through that bag the SECOND they're asleep, because you don't get to go to Halloween parties anymore, and you worked all day just to walk a 5K through the town afterwards, and the 3 year old has allergies, so you have to go through the bags anyway, so listen to me. Eat that candy. Eat it without a second thought, and enjoy the hell out of it. You deserve it.

Happy Halloween!