Monday, August 19, 2013

Let my 'voyse' be heard: Male Fashion

Please prepare for a rant. Thank you.

Looking at my dad and my brother, the generation gap is apparent not only in their ages but obviously in their fashions. I don't know if it is a blessing or a curse that young men these days are very serious about their fashion. I have seen pictures of my dad, growing up and he looked fly in his bell bottoms and Afro hair. Fly....but manly. He didn't sacrifice his manhood at the altar of fashion. No siree! Asking if you can try on your girlfriend's skinny jeans for size is most certainly NOT a good look. 

I am so confused about modern day male fashion. This is the girl who looked her brother in the eye and accused him of wearing a blouse! You can imagine the look of pity he gave me. I tell my friends that my brother is a fashionisto. His fashion chops were proven when he was papped at an event by Complete Fashion who provided a breakdown of how to achieve his look . I've never been papped anywhere.Not even at my local iya Basira. But I bear no grudges...I shall wait for my time!

My sister called me about 3 weeks ago to report an incident concerning my brother. She had gone to collect him from the airport  as he had just arrived from 'away' for his summer yotomi. Upon picking him up, she noticed he was carrying an accessory that confounded her. So she had to call me to inform me. The following conversation ensued:

W: Cherry! Please tell A to come out of the closet, we will love him regardless!!!
A ( protesting in the background): it is a satchel!!!!
W: sharrap! Cherry, your brother is carrying a purse, like a girl. (to him)Come out of the closet!
A: it is a satchel!!!!!
W: at best, it is a man purse. Satchel ko!
Me: * laughing hysterically like the agbaya that I am*

My brother believes he has his finger on the pulse of fashion. He sets trends for his friends to follow and he looks good doing it. BUT I can't, for the life of me, understand his dedication to fashion. For a trip that would last a few weeks, my brother packed about 10 pairs of shoes. I'm not sure I own 10 pairs of wearable shoes. Oh, I own about 20 pairs of useless shoes I was hoodwinked into buying as a result of them having red sales tags on them only to get home and begin walking like Quasimodo...but 10 wearable, useful I would like to add at this point that my brother is very heterosexual, and all he does, he does for the laydees! Thank you.

Don't get me wrong,  I am a fan of stylish, good looking people, in general, and men,in particular.  I think your outward appearance has a lot to say for who you are i.e. someone who takes the necessary care to appear put together. In my days ( oh no! I've gotten so old, I now say things like in my days!!!!) guys dressed nicely.Timbs,  mocs, jeans, dog tags, nice shirts. I grew up in an era where the outline of a man's privates were a mystery unless you caught him pants down or he caught you... but let us leave rapey things for now. These days, I am compelled to avert my eyes with the indecent dressing of some of these lads!  Do I sound like your grandma? Good!

My dad would never be caught dead in some of the clown suits I see around town. Colors so bright, you need sunglasses to take in the spectacle. Conservatism has flown out of the window in favor of pink blazers on orange pants. Does anyone remember the days when suits came in 4 colors only: grey, black, brown and navy blue? And the only people that wore green suits were Kenneth Okonkwo and Kanayo O. Kanayo? Oh how I long for a return to those days!

And the bathroom ablution....Jehovah have mercy. Gone are the days when your dad had a shit, a shave and a shower, got out of the bathroom in under five minutes and was tapping his foot impatiently for your mum to finish her primping. These days, you are fighting for mirror space with Mr. Metrosexual. It is fashionable for men to cleanse, tone, moisturize, manscape and whatever else they got going on. Some own more products than a hostel full of girls. Whatever happened to good old soap, water and the bottle of safari that your dad had in his wash bag?

I think men are becoming too effeminate. I worry that as they are falling the hand of Mother Nature with their manscaping, pedicures and skinny jeans, evolution would soon ensure that they get their periods! I like a man's man. Look sharp but don't let me see the outline of your penis before I realize you are a man. And to add insult to festering injury, some of them don't get the basic fashion rule that all women know. Y'all know the rule. It goes like this: just because your girlfriend looks good in it don't mean you would too. If you must dress like a woman, you MUST follow this basic fashion principle.

Prime example of the failure to follow fashion rules:  I saw  two kids the other day rocking the skinny jeans. One was thin as a rake, so his jeans sat right. The other....muffin top toh  badt! The jeans cut him off at the mid riff so his massive belly ballooned over the sides of his tight ass jeans and body hug shirt like okro bubbling out of a pot. He looked ridiculous but... all na trend! (Heps there!!! I already admitted to being an agbaya, so sharrap!)

So for the love of fashion and the inability to unsee things, gentlemen, please learn the following:
1. Don't wear white after labour day.
2. Certain colours are not suitable for you big boys e.g. yellow.
3. If your pants feel like a tourniquet, you have overdone the slimfitting and you may end up killing yourself. True story. I  refer you to the t.v. show '1000 ways to die' for confirmation.
4. If you are not snake hipped like Fali Ipupa or M.C. Hammer and you are not from Congo, can the freaking multicolored pants!!!!
5. Always make it a point to ask your nearest and dearest "does my butt look big in this" before you unleash yourself on the populace.

Anyway, see this ridiculous picture to buttress my point:

 I just vomited a little bit in my mouth and I tots agree with the sentiments expressed in the picture. Na by force????


  1. Lol funny post, but there's nothing wrong with the color yellow.yellow shirts? Trads, shorts and even comfortable jeans.

  2. Looool. You haff keed me o.

    Don't you know the whole new age fashion thing is a conspiracy by the people who control fashion in the western world?

    Once we begin to accept the fact that it's cool for a guy to look like a girl, the rest is history.

  3. lwkmd I am crying ohhhh.....hahahhahhahahaaaaaa.

  4. Hahaha deadest! But so true, the guys are dressing like girls, the whole world of fashion has gone mad! It's so normal to go out here in Abuja and see young boys in coloured skinny jeans, SWEATERS with a long sleeved shirt underneath. skinny tie for some added "Sweggs" - in this freaking heat!

  5. lmaaaoooooo!!!! Nawa o! u should put up a picture of dear brother na! Let's Check it! :D

  6. LMaooooo but Cherry, erm erm #flees

    I agree jor. I just kent deal with the coloured pants thing arrrggg

  7. I'm so glad I am not the only perplexed individual out there. lol.

    @atilol: I agree that we have begun blurring the lines between male and female fashions a bit too much. I for one, do not think fashion is AS fluid as we have been made to believe.
    @HoneyDame lai lai. I don't want any aristo mama/cougar madness on my blog as my brother is quite the handsome young man if I do say so myself. darris why I didn't put his pishure.

    Thanks for the comments, all.

  8. Ma Cherie! lwkmd. i tend to admire err 'Metrosexuals' in pictures but i wouldnt date one. I am still struggling with fashion, cant imagine being with a guy who knows more than me. as if competition with girls isnt bad enough.

  9. Cherry - I discovered ur blog last a couple of hours ago n it looks like I'm doing an all nighter on cherry chatter...... I love u already!!


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