Fambly Matters

The Goo-boo-chay fambly prepares for the impending surrender of their patriarch, and what better way than to make sprinkle cupcakes!  However dear reader, there is not enough cupcake glitter in the world to alleviate the cloud of doom hanging over this fambly.  Milania lightens the mood by shoving a cupcake in Juicy Joe’s face, but he half-looks like he’s about to go full prison riot on her ass.  He takes the high road and shoves it back in her face instead.  After some fabmly selfies and a lecture for G to the ia, Juicy Joe chokes back tears.  Or perhaps that’s just cupcake glitter in his eyeballs.

Meanwhile, across town, Jacs and Asslee go shopping for baby supplies and Asslee reveals that she wants to have a natural birth, sans drugs.  Jacs is dumbfounded and insists she will want the epidural.  Too bad the medical field had not figured out how to administer an epidural during Asslee’s teen years.

In other fambly matters, Siggy and her sister Iris are yelling at the kids for being on their phones instead of savoring quality time with their micro-managing mothers.  Siggy’s parents, Mordecai and Rachel, stop over and Morty reveals he’s looking into having an eyelid lift.  In other news, Rachel reveals that she is upset at her own daughters because they don’t spend more than 10 minutes visiting with them.  Josh calls his mother a hypocrite as he proceeds to the next level on Candy Crush.  Later, the fambly visits the Holocaust museum.  Morty tells his life story and Josh realizes that he’s a spoiled asshole, then 2.3 seconds later he snaps out of it.


The Laurita’s and Wakile’s are bowling for date night, the same evening of Juicy Joe’s going away to prison pawwwty.  Rosie struts in with her new girlfriend, Laura, and we learn that Rosie is a straight up playa!  She met Laura in the bathroom while out on a date with another lady!  Chris Laurita is being the good li’l hubby that could and is heeding Dolores’ advice.  He will stand by his irrational skank wife and boycott the going away to jail pawwwty.

Sidebar:  I may need to switch back to watching this in standard definition.  High definition is not kind to these ladies.  The painted on eyebrows are the stuff of nightmares!

The going away to jail pawwwty is shot entirely on someone’s iPhone and apparently Bravo crew and equipment was not permitted.  Juicy Joe and Tre jump on the mechanical bull to ride things out, but they take a tumble after about 1.3 seconds.  Foreshadowing, anyone?  Siggy is caught on camera, still doling out her crack-pot advice to any pawwwty goer who will listen.

The next day, there is a literal meltdown at Envy between Derek the intern and Melissa.  Derek is anti-selfie, but Melissa wants at least 108 selfies posted per day to show off their bargain fashions and boost on-line sales.  Melissa better change before she selfies, she is dressed like an overweight librarian.

Meanwhile, across town, the Goo-boo-chay household prepares for their final goodbyes.  Milania is tearing around on a three-wheeler while Tre and Juice man knock back some vino and strawberries by the fire.  Juicy Joe tries to wax philosophical, “you either learn how to become a criminal, or a better person”.  Now he is forced to do the latter.  He is clearly not hammered enough because he looks genuinely worried.  Tre starts giving him pointers, he can celebrate every religious holiday at “camp”.  He can go with the Jewish people and celebrate “Rama-dan-dan!”  From what I understand, the kosher meals at “camp” are akin to first class.  How about more solid advice, such as always shower with your back to the wall?!?!  Tre feeds Juicy Joe a strawberry, mouth to mouth, just like they did when they were dating.  Yes Tre, get your last taste of those virgin lips…

It’s the day of the surrender, the paparazzi is out in full force and effect.  Immediate fambly is gathered and the girls are seen crying at the window as Juicy Joe is hauled away in a black Escalade.  Later that day, Joe and Melissa assemble a trampoline in a literal attempt to bounce back from the emotional morning.  Melissa tells Joe that Tre sent her a “love you” text, and Melissa is emotionally overwhelmed by how her relationship with Tre has grown.


Jacs has Siggy and Dolores over on the back deck of truth, while she scoops fake shit (irony, anyone?) into diapers, for some sort of sick baby shower dry run of sorts.  As Jacs spoons her fake shit, they discuss the emotional farewell to Juicy Joe.  Siggy gets emotional (SHOCKER) and dabs her tears with an unsoiled diaper.


Tre is sinking into a chasm of despair and the Goo-boo-chay girls can’t stop crying.  Their first night home without daddy, they all sleep in the same bed and say prayers for their father.

Next week, Dolores’ re-done home pawwwty, Joe and Chris throw down man-to-man, Melissa’s fashion show, and Dolores’ giving Jacs a good ol’ fashioned WTF!


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