Monday, July 18, 2005

I got interviewed by a girl named Sam

Sam at Sam's Stories put out a 5 question interview of her own and then asked if anyone else wanted to be interviewed. Who am I to turn down a chance to have someone ask me questions and then answer them on my blog for all to read?

Sam asks me:

1. If you could have one body part altered what would it be? What would you have done to it?
Simple: My boobs. They are tired and worn out from extended years of usage and seem to do more resting than I would deem normal for the average set of boobs. I have every intention of rewarding myself at the end of this weight-loss journey with a breast augmentation and will install a lift kit. Maybe even some spinners and a set of fuzzy dice.

2. If you had to have sex with a famous girl to keep the world from exploding, who would it be?
I don't have to hestitate for a single second on this one: Gwyneth Paltrow. Even if she did name her daughter Apple, I still think she is gorgeous and sexy and I would gladly overlook the strange naming thing in order to shag her rotten for the sake of the world's safety.

3. If you had to give up toilet paper or showering for three days which would you choose?
Now, this one is a tough one. I have serious toilet paper issues. I buy it by the truckload and if I get below about 12 rolls in the closet I literally panic. Now to the sane person, 12 rolls in the closet is a pretty hefty cushion and really no cause for panic, but I never said I was sane. My first instinct was to say I'd give up the showering, but then again, I am rather fond of not smelling like ass. But then again, three days isn't too awful long of a time . . . And hey, she just said "give up showering", she didn't say baths were out. Technicality, hmh? Why am I putting so much damn thought into this question??

4. If you could make the hair on any part of your body permanently disappear, which part would it be?
My cooter and subsequent bikini line. Plain and simple. I am part Wookiee, I swear. The chin and upper lip hair are waxable and pluckable, the eyebrows I can pay to have mowed and weed-eated, but the cooter . . . well, waxing the cooter just isn't the most pleasant experience, folks. (However, I hear guys say waxing the dolphin is rather nice) Neither is shaving it. It'd just be simpler if it was just gone. Forever.

5. If Mr. Diva's manhood fell off, what would you use instead?
Anything Gwyneth Paltrow had to offer.


Sam said...

Redneck- I am truly laughing out loud. You're fucking hilarious. However-you cannot take a bath. Not even a sponge bath given by Gwyneth Paltrow. That's cheating.

Heather said...

I think I would definitely give up showering vs TP. I couldn't do that!!

Gwyneth, huh? Nice pick. :)

Mrzmyrmtthws said...

I want an interview...never can have to many i guess :)


deadpanann said...

I want to be interviewed! Please, show an interest in MEEEee!! :) I couldn't give up the TP. I am pretty sure I went 3 days without showering though, during my adolescent depression phase.

Redneck Diva said...

Sam-Daaaaang, girl. You are brutal!! Of course, now a sponge-bath from Gwyneth is way high up on my list of things to do before I die...

Thanks for the questions!! You rock, girl!!

Heather-Well, it was a difficult decision between Gwyneth and Kelly Preston. And while I find Kelly just as hot, Gwyneth was the first one to spark any repressed lesbian lurking deep down inside me, LOL.

Jonathan-I agree, one can never be interviewed too many times. Here ya go!

1. Let's say you have discovered how to channel the spirit of the late Dr. Seuss. You now have the power to write nonsense and get away with it. What would your poetry about holey socks sound like? Give us a sample.

2. If you found yourself transported back in time, all the way back to the time of the dinosaurs, and you had to find a woman with which to perpetuate mankind, how would you woo your prospective cave-mate?

3. If you were an intern on The Apprentice and Mr. Trump made a move on you after a particularly heated boardroom session, what would you do?

4. If you had to choose between webbed toes or webbed arms (like a flying squirrel) which would you prefer?

5. If you had to choose between sliding down a slide lined with razor blades into a vat of alcohol or sucking a dead man's nose until his chest caves in, which would you choose? (We used to gross each other out with this one when we were in grade school, lol)

DeadpanAnn-Why, OF COURSE!! You are just too cute!! Here ya go!

1. You are kidnapped by a band of evil, head-shaving pirates. Not only are you in danger of being pillaged, but they are going to shave your head and set you outside in the Texas sun - how do you escape their evil clutches?

2. If you were the last female on the planet and the last three males on the planet were: Sonny Bono, Gallagher, and Gilbert Gottfried, who would you choose to start civilization over with?

3. If you were given $1500 and were told you had to spend it on yourself in 24 hours, how would you spend it? (You can't pay bills with it - you have to SPEND it on you!)

4. What's the last thing you used duct tape for?

5. What would you do with a 55 gallon drum full of Jell-o and fruit cocktail?

Okay, anyone else up for an interview????

Heather said...

Sure, interview me! You've got some great questons! :)

Recklace said...

Oh my God, I'm hysterical. You are so damn funny.

I'm totally up for an interview. I'm dying to hear what you ask me!

Redneck Diva said...

Heather-Here you go!

1. You have just invented a new food. And you have been given the highest honor of writing about it in a cooking magazine. How do you describe your new invention? (How you came about making it, how it tastes, how you prepare it, etc.)

2. What was your favorite childhood toy?

3. If you had to choose between death by maniacal, rabid chimpanzees or death by being subjected to the same testing that laboratory rats undergo, which would you choose?

4. Would you rather be 2 feet tall or 7 feet tall?

5. The world has become a dictatorship. Everyone has to shave their heads and wear a tattoo on their bald noggins. The good thing is, you can choose what you have tattooed up there. What will you have inked permanently on your scalp?

Recklace-And here are your finely tuned, picked just for you questions!!

1. If you could install a secret camera in any room, in any building in the world, where would it be?

2. If you were imprisoned and had to choose between naked chain gang with very lonely lesbians or belly button lint gatherer for the prison, which would you choose?

3. If you volunteered to be sequestered away with one other person in a sparsely furnished cabin in Antarctica for one year and then later found out could only choose from these people to be your cabin-mate, who would you choose: Kirstie Alley, Jessica Simpson or Fran Drescher?

4. Describe how life would be if you were the Queen of Everything.

5. Were you scared of monsters when you were a kid? If you were, describe what you thought was lurking in the closet or under the bed.

Any others? I'm just about questioned out, but I may have a few left in me!

Rebecca said...

Hi Redneck Diva,
Can I be interviewed as well please? After Big Blogger finished, I kind of what the attention. lol

Mrzmyrmtthws said...

It's taken a while, but I finally got my questions up...

