Eavesdropping on a complaints department ...

Eavesdropping on a complaints department ...

Complaints department, possibly of a large bank:

Illustration: Andrew Dyson

Illustration: Andrew DysonCredit:

Receiver: Yes, how can I help?

Caller: I’d like to make a complaint.

Receiver: Go ahead, you’ve come to the right place.


Caller: Well, it seems I’ve been paying for a service that you lot have never provided. And I’d like my money back.

Receiver: Yes, and what service was that?

Caller: Advice.

Receiver: Advice?

Caller: Yes, advice. I’ve apparently been paying for it and it’s not arrived.

Receiver: Now what sort of advice are we talking about?

Caller: How should I know? It never arrived. How am I supposed to know what type of advice you would be giving if it wasn’t given? I don’t even know if it was good advice or bad. That’s like asking what did the cake taste like without having taken a bite out of it. In fact, I never received the cake in the first place.

Receiver: Did you ask for the cake?

Caller: No. I didn’t even know the cake was in the kitchen. No one told me. That’s the point.

Receiver: Sorry, but how could you not see a cake in the kitchen? It must have been covered over. Are you a hoarder?

Caller: No I am not a hoarder, how dare you! There is no cake!

Receiver: I see.

Caller: There is no cake because it was a metaphor. You know, the use of an image to illustrate a point. The point being I am paying for advice that I never received.

Receiver: And there is no cake?

Caller: No. Yes. There is no cake.

Receiver: So, how can I help you?

Caller: I’d like you to return to me all the money I’ve given you, unbeknown to me, for advice that you did not then render to me.

Receiver: I’m afraid that’s not possible.

Caller: What! Why on Earth is that not possible? This is tantamount to theft.

Receiver: Well you see, to do that we would have to invoke clause 278, section B3, sub-section VII, which has to be agreed upon by a committee of elders, all of whom would have to be standing as one 90-degrees to the right of our position on our responsibilities to clients as outlined in the fine print on page 602 of our terms and conditions. That is, we would have to revoke the phrase that we, in our fiduciary duties, shall by all ways and means provide a sense of social justice in our dealings with you, the client.

Caller: So, hang the ethics, it’s all about the money.

Receiver: We prefer to call it tempering our sense of social justice. It has a more sophisticated, and guilt-free ring to it.

Caller: Like being economical with the truth?

Receiver: That maybe a touch harsh, but we are, after all, a significant part of the economy, and that’s the truth. In fact we are such a significant part of the economy you can’t afford for us to fail.

Caller: So, that’s your advice to me?

Receiver: Indeed. Now do you have funeral insurance?

Warwick McFadyen is an Age contributor.

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