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OhioMike's picture
What to do when a kid is being a jerk?

A lot of frustration this last week with my instructor.  He is a reasonable good instructor but he is really struggling to get his own kids to black belt, and has resorted to forcing them to attend.  As a result he allows his youngest son (16 yo brown belt) to "teach" the underbelts during sparring rather than sparring with older and more experienced brown/black belts, since that allows his son to avoid taking any real hits during sparring.  Long story short, last week the young man was dominating a shorter younger female green belt rather than teaching her during sparring (using kicks to prevent closing, etc) to the point that she was crying in frustration. Eventually I had to pull them apart and keep a VERY tight grip on my temper as I explained to him that his father tasked him with the job of teaching and that he was NOT teaching at that moment.  Instructor watched this happen and watched me respond and if he said anything to his son it was not within my hearing.

Rather than just being an excuse to vent (although I thank you for that) I wanted to ask the group if you had any suggestions for dealing with kids (or students in general) when they decide to take advantage of superior skill and rank to avoid work.  I think the young man never gave a thought to the fact that he was making the class miserable for a younger student, I suspect he only wanted to get out of sparring even against a green belt 20 kilo lighter than he was. But I suspect this becomes more common especially when a instructor has some kids only attending group classes and other doing private lessons, or when the parents are forcing the kids to attend and I wanted to see if any of the group had similar experiences.



Anf's picture

To sum up my understanding, please correct me if I'm wrong.

* your instructor is desperate to get his kids to black belt even though they are not that interested
* he is willing to force his own kids to attend classes they don't really want to attend
* he is willing to let them train at a level below what would usually be expected for the grade, just to make it easier for them (eg putting them with a smaller, less experienced student in sparring)
* he is willing to forego discipline in this case of his own offspring
* he is willing to allow the rest of his students to suffer as long as his kid gets the 'training' needed to help him buy his black belt.

Is this a fair summary?

OhioMike's picture

Unfortunately so I am afraid, it is never been as bad as it was this week but it has been going down hill for a while at this point. I had been trying to respect the fact that he wanted to give his kids something that would help them in the future.   But at this point I am mostly remaining so that I can finish my teaching certification.  I would speak with my instructor but I cannot imagine that it would do any good and I fully expect that after his last test that the young man in question will never come back to class. I feel for the guy since he is in a shared parenting situation and only gets the kid on the weekends, but that does not expend to excusing this level of favortism. 

Anf's picture

I can totally understand that the teacher believes he is doing the right thing by his son. Totally. However, I've seen it many times before and for a while I think I was guilty of it myself. Patents push their kids to do well in something they think is beneficial. Sadly what happens in some cases is the kids learn that their opinion counts for very little and they become resentful and withdrawn. I was guilty of it for a while but realised hopefully in time. I've seen other kids, older kids whose list for life and sense of fun is just gone. It's awful. Of course it doesn't always go that way. I've seen kids whose parents have pushed them and they've become highly skilled egotistical brats, which will serve them well as they grown up and start a career. I'm not going to judge your instructor without ever having met him, but as a dad myself, I recognise the importance of finding a balance between encouraging kids to be the best they can, and allowing them the freedom to find their own path, and supporting them fully in that. Sometimes it's hard to be objective when you're so into something that they are not.

In terms of your continued training, all I can suggest is that you ask yourself this. Despite your obvious concerns, are you still getting something that you value from it?

deltabluesman's picture

That's rough.  I normally support trying to work things out whenever possible, but this is pretty bad.  It sounds like you're justified in leaving the school (unless things change after you get your teaching certification). 

Of course, it's worth mentioning that sometimes there are misunderstandings.  I was sparring with a much smaller/shorter female police officer a few months ago.  She was very skilled (and she wasn't holding back), so I used my much longer reach to keep her completely out of range.  I kept my strikes very light (just taps), but I did not let her get close to me.  She was really frustrated with me because my reach was an unfair advantage.  But because of her job (and her skill level), I felt like I had to give her full resistance on that front so she could develop the right kind of skill. 

Based on what you've written, it sounds like this kid was enjoying the opportunity to dominate a less skilled opponent.  That sounds entirely different and I'd say that's a major red flag.  It's especially bad if he was supposed to be teaching her, not competing with her.  It's good that you intervened. 

Good luck moving forward.  It sounds like you've had a lot of patience with this and have persevered despite the setbacks.  Best to you on the pursuit of the teaching certificate.