New Rules for Vampires


New rules will shortly come into effect which will define vampirism as a protected characteristic. This will make it a criminal offence to discriminate against people who 'have something of the night about them'. Derogatory terms such as 'fangface', 'pasty-faced coffin jockey' and 'haemogobbler' will be outlawed and employers and providers of public services will be required to introduce special adaptations such as blackout curtains, garlic-free zones and vampire-friendly mirrors.

The legislation will also affect other supernatural beings, resulting in greater protections for zombies in the workplace and the provision of emergency bandaging stations for mummies. Additionally, for the first time ever the Loch Ness Monster will be eligible for maternity leave.

However, not everyone is included in the new rules and this has led to some discontent. "It's political correctness gone mad," said Colin Smith, a werewolf from Dagenham. "I mean, it's all very well giving vampires and goblins and heaven knows what an easy time of it, but if I take a dump in the park then spend the rest of day licking my balls, there's hell to pay."


Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

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