The Situation is REAL | Mental Poo

Monday, July 16, 2012

The Situation is REAL

So my son left for a week to Florida with his grandfather recently, leaving his sister behind with my ex-wife and myself while he fended off alligators and stifling heat and Cubans and whatever else Florida has to offer (plaintains? no idea).

So I took the opportunity to grab some vacation time and head off with her to Six Flags Great Adventure in New Jersey for a couple of days. You see, her and I are both roller coaster FANATICS and with her getting older and heading into 7th grade, this was probably going to be one of the last few times where I'd get to hang out with my baby girl before the 'I HATE YOU SO MUCH' phase begins.

Long story short, the trip was one of the greatest excursions of my pitiful existence. Here are a couple of highlights:

My daughter, Payton, took notes on my iPod during the 5-hour trip down. Here is a screenshot of what she wrote:

In my defense, I did this awesome move for "Don't Stop Believin'" where I kind of do this wavy thing with my arms and, well, it was awesome and borderline magical. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Also? I still think the Yoda vs. Shrek thing is a watch. You have to cut Yoda some slack for age alone.

Then we found out that our hotel was 15 minutes away from the park, situated directly across from McGuire Air Force Base which plays 'Reveille' at pretty much near full blast over it's loudspeakers at 6 am sharp and is the opposite of awesome.

I think the biggest shock overall was actually finding out that "Jersey Shore" characters exist.

Like, for real.

To prove this, I submit to you 'Exhibit A' which was taken in a ridiculously long line for the roller coaster named, "El Toro" where we were stuck behind these four assholes:

Four guys who looked like they stepped out of a Jersey Shore casting call. Giant long satiny shorts. Baseball hats with stiff brims or giant shades. That effing accent. The guy on the right tugging at his Lil Bruce Springsteen the entire time. The big guy wearing Nike Air sneakers like he could actually jump more than 6 inches.

Then when the guy working the line had to stop to let "Flash Pass" users by, the big guy was all, "HEY. Why aren't you letting us by?" and the ride employee was all, "Sorry. Not yet" prompting Chubby Situation man to go "Fucking guy thinks he's a fucking hero."

Yes. Yes I'm sure that's exactly what he's thinking as he is waiting to collect his paycheck from working rides at Six Flags just before he starts his second shift dressed in a giant Elmer Fudd costume.


But, in the end, we were able to avoid being sucked into the vortex known as Jersey Douchebaggia and concentrated on the 11 roller coasters spread throughout the park.

All told, I rode 28 times on 9 coasters, and my daughter rode 34 times on 11 coasters, including the World Record breaking "Kingda Ka" - which holds the record as the Tallest coaster in the world at 456 feet and second fastest at 128 mph.

Keep in mind that my daughter and I rode Kingda Ka FIVE TIMES - four of which were in the front row.

What's front row on that thing look like?

It looks like this:

It took my neck 4 days to fully recover. Because I'm older than shit.

But I wouldn't trade those 3 days with my little girl for anything in the world.

It was truly magical - much like my patented "Don't Stop Believin'" move.

Seriously. You should see it.


CWMartin said...

Reminds me of why the whole time I was on the Raptor at Cedar point I was praying God would just fling me off and let me die so it would be over.

Pat said...

You are a SUPER COOL Dad! I'm sure your daughter had a great time with you. I can't believe you went on so many roller coasters so many times! I just watched the video and got sick!

Shannon said...

No f'ing way my son could get me to get on the roller coaster! I felt like throwing up just watching the video. You are a brave and insane individual!

Brett Minor said...

My kids chicken out too often.

"I'm not riding that. I goes backwards."

"No way. It's too steep.

"My friend said it hurt her back."

So, I usually end up on them by myself.

AccordingtoJewels said...

The last time I went on a roller coaster like this I ended up with instant vertigo, migraine, and puking in a trash can. Yeah...not doing that again any time soon.

Tyler said...

That is awesome

Simone DeBlasio said...

when she starts hating you, just give her space. she'll come back around.

Anonymous said...

So many comments. One, we wear shades in cloud coverage so we can creep on/stalk/stare at other people. I mean, that's why I do it! Two, your daughter has way bigger cajones than me. I refuse to ride Kingda Ka. I like coasters but the ride up gives me so much anxiety that it's not fun. So I bail on riding. Glad you guys had a great time. Honestly, with a relationship like this I think you'll skip the "I hate you so much" phase. Or at least it will be "I really don't like you right now".

Al Penwasser said...

I avoid Six Flags like it was the frikkin' plague. Too many gold chains, too much chest hair...and that's just the women. Since I live in Southeast PA, I live far too close to the "Youwannamakesumpinofdatyoudouchebag" dream. We could go to Dorney Park, which is only 45 minutes away. But, that's in Allentown. Allentown. 'Nuff said. I think you noticed a significant difference in Hershey Park. Sure, there's giant walking Hershey bars and the Amish are a cowpie toss away, but the "Guido" factor is drastically reduced.

handflapper said...

So why no video of the "Don't Stop Believing" move? You said WE NEED TO SEE IT. You said IT'S MAGICAL.

Also, you are a good daddy.

Anonymous said...

I can't ride a roller coaster. No way. I used to be able to ride them, but I don't know what happened. I grew from chick to chicken shit, I guess.

The Empress said...

Midget Man: how you make me laugh.

Seriously: your posts, I cant make it through without cracking up. And I think my 17 yr old is tied with me with how we laugh over here.

Thank you for the joy.

Wish time wasn't my enemy and I could just hang out here.

You make me forget about all I have to do, and think about what I want to do.

This post, you are so funny.

meleah rebeccah said...

"I think the biggest shock overall was actually finding out that "Jersey Shore" characters exist. Like, for real."

Yep. I tried to warn ya!

And, you ROCK as a father!

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