Tiredness Is Bad

I hate being tired. Not because I have no energy - I don't have that luxury any more - but because when I get tired, I get paranoid, worried and, especially, my head wanders to bad places.

I can't help it. Before all this, when I was tired, I would sit and think back to the hospital with Bethy, but now my mind flashes me back to all the good times me and Jo had, and how it is now, almost like it's mocking me.

"You lost it, you idiot"

I can't help it. I sit here and my mind just decides to take me back to something, triggered by who knows what. I've always had a very good head for memories, and remember lots of things vividly. Added to this, the Behind the Scenes stuff I don't talk about here - they mount up as well, and sometimes it kills me. I can't understand how I am supposed to press on, I just want to curl up and let the world pass me by.

And then I think of the kids. They are now my biggest priority, and I have to hold it together for them. I worry how this is really going to affect them, if there's some sort of underlying damage being caused.

I just feel like the world is spinning, and I am struggling to keep up with it all. Tiredness just makes me feel defeated. I talk to Jo and hear what she is up to, and look at what I am trying to do here. It's just that she is better able to move on that I am at the moment. It's something she's had time to prepare for, steel herself against and get settled in her head.

But I have to deal with it.

I just want to sleep.

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4 Responses to “Tiredness Is Bad”

Anonymous said...

Hun, unfortunatly you're gonna have days like this but i promise, it will get easier with time. You are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for! You are getting there slowly but surely but hun, you need to give yourself a break. Even though you probably can't see it at the moment, you are getting through it day by day. As for the kiddies, trust me when i say, they will be fine! Of course it's different, but that doesn't mean damaging. The most important thing is that they see you and Jo as friends. Kids are so adaptable at their age. They still have a muim and dad that loves them very much and that is the most important thing. Now mr, no more beating yourself up, otherwise i'm gonna have to kick your ass! Mwah! ;-)

debbie said...

whoever Anonymous is, well said.. I second that, appart from your already doing a fab Job,,

Nancy said...

I do the same thing. When I'm tired and/or sick I get very discouraged and tend to think negatively. I won't go into everything that's going on in my life here but I'm having a bad day too.

I hope we can both cheer up and somehow get more energy. We need to try to think about positive things. You need to remember that you are a great dad and your kids love you. Your kids will be find as neither parent has abandoned them. They have two parents who love them and are able to be friends. Some children don't have that even when their parents stay together!

Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

One day at a time Dan, that's all you need to do. Things will get better!

aka Your Personal Stalker!! ;-)