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Supporting husbands M/H issues ?

Discussion in 'Health and wellbeing' started by coffeeblack1sugar, Oct 1, 2010.

  1. Chris4

    Chris4 New commenter

    Hi there, Coffee - I'm pleased you have what sounds like a good doctor to go to, and signing him off until January sounds like a good idea. I suppose it's a good thing you are on maternity leave at the moment really, in one sense, but it does mean you will naturally be worried about money if he is off for long. At least you have the time to cope with what is happening to him. I wish I had some good advice to give you! All I can say is that you are coping as well as anyone possibly could in this situation and I hope he comes out of it soon. At least the new meds have a chance to kick in now, but Christmas isn't the best time for calm and settled kids if that stresses him out and you will naturally be concerned that they have a lovely Christmas in the midst of all of it. It's good he is anxious to hide it all from the kids, but they will be aware on one level, though they probably aren't old enough to question it much. You are sounding remarkably okay at the moment, so I hope this is the start of his recovery for you as you have been so strong. Take care x
  2. he has woken up saying we would be better off without him, the life insurance would pay the mortgage off and we could build new lives........ i tried to get him to look at the baby, to show him what a riduculous suggestion that was but he cried and said it was too hard. i know this is awful for him and he feels he has let us down, but how much more let down would the kids feel if he didn't think they were worth staying alive for? i would be devastated, but at the moment can feel i could rationalise it if the worst happened, but how do you explain something like that to kids? when he is at his lowest i have often thought about leaving him so the kids don't have to tiptoe round him all the time, but that is when he needs me most and i worry that if i did leave he would commit suicide as he wouldn't have the kids here with him to remind him why he needs to keep going. i do love him so much but this is getting harder and harder to live with. i am constantly trying to keep the kids quiet and out of his way when he is feeling fragile, or backing him up when i don't really agree with what he is saying to the kids, to show solidarity, although he doesn't do the same for me. he overreacts to them so often and is yelling about little things like bad table manners, so i am not contradicting him at the time but doing nice things with the kids, or trying to praise them, and get him to praise them, at other times, and get met with phrases like 'they don't deserve it because of eg bad table manners'. then when he is feeling a bit better and realises how horrid he has been he will go and spend loads of money on them, or buy inappropriate things like 18 rated games cos they want them, it's so unpredictable. the oldest is 11, has aspergers and has had so much to cope with in the last few months, a new school and a new baby at the same time. i have probably identified myself to anyone who knows me in real life now - i don't suppose many families have these specific things going on right now
  3. First of all, my every sympathy goes out to you, going through all this. Keep posting to get it out, I think it is your best outlet. As for the question of ringing his boss, I would suggest that you do. Having been in a similar situation where I was terrified of speaking to my boss and my partner did it for me. It was stressful but I was just glad to know where I stood in the end. If he gets upset then explain you did it because you need to know where you both stand as much as he does. It seems unlikely the boss will sack him as he has clearly shown some sympathy already. He may even feel bad that he didn't see it coming.
    Good luck with whatever decision you make x
  4. anon468

    anon468 New commenter

    You poor, poor girl. I can't begin to imagine how hard this is for you.
    I have no wisdom to impart and no experiences to share, but I had to post and say I think you're doing a terrific job holding everything together and I hope with all my heart that your situation improves in the very near future.
  5. I don't have anything useful to contribute but I too think you have been a tower of strength and that all your family are very lucky to have you. Worthless and a big let-down are par for the course of major depression, and I doubt your poor husnband can take on board that everyone understands (and all credit to his boss). I hope the meds stabilise him - it takes several weeks just when you really need them to be working - and he starts to pick up a bit.
    Stay strong.
  6. Coffee my heart goes out to you. I am on your husband's side of the fence in that I am the one that has suffered with depression for many years. I'ts not necessarily related to life events but it comes and goes.
    Even though he may not be showing it I am sure your husband really does appreciate everything you are doing and in his mind I am sure he sees you as the strong one. It's only now with hindsight can I see how unstable I have been for many years and the pain and the suffering I caused to my 2nd husband. I knew he was strong and dependable and I leant on him 100% and he was always there. I would have good periods and I would have times when he would take my car keys off me lest I drive at high speed into a wall. Underneath something stopped me and I think it was the knowledge that I was loved that got me through.
    You are obviously a strong woman who dearly loves her man and her children and I wish you all the best and hope that your husband comes out the other side as I have. I still have black periods but these are one off days as opposed to lengthy periods and I know they will pass, hopefully soon your husband will be there too.
  7. Chris4

    Chris4 New commenter

    Hi Coffee, I've not been on here for a while, so sorry I missed your posts a few days ago. It all sounds as if it's unravelled quite badly since your post in December, but I think depression often has to hit rock bottom before it can improve at all - that surely must now be where you are. I have no advice to give other than you can't do any more than you are doing. It is a bit like they say about alcoholics: there is only one person in the whole world who can help them, and that is themselves. He has to muster the motivation to get out of it himself, so don't fret about whether you are doing things right or not, whether you can do more, or whatever, because you just being there is probably the main thing he needs. Just make sure you and the kids stay okay and keep your lives on as even a keel as possible while all this is going on. Many of the things you have written are very similar to what I would have written about my OH a year or so ago and a year before that. I think I've said it before, but you have to keep faith, and that is clearly what you are doing. Keep faith that he is still there somewhere, that things will be all right in the end and that it will turn a corner. I remember the hardest thing when I was in that situation with young children was that I felt totally trapped by it all - nowhere to turn and no options at all. All you can do is take a day at a time, get through what you can and keep strong.

    Have you ever had a chance to look at www.depressionfallout.com? There is a really good discussion forum / message board like this one there and it's all set up for the OHs of depressed people. Some of the regulars on there are wonderful and really good at giving advice and sympathising. Have a look if you get a moment because although that sounds like it might be a moaning session and a bit miserable to read, it's actually quite upbeat and I have found it supportive to read about others in similar positions to myself (or worse in many cases).

    Take care, Coffee. I really hope things take a turn for the better soon.
  8. I've got depression but I'm in remission. Having seen my sister-in-law and brother-in-law and their family at christmas, I now know, to a small degree, how difficult it has been for my wife and daughter whilst I have been ill. My B-inL is in a desperate state saying and doing similar things to your husband. He is also in denial believing that he should be able to cope etc and refusing help. My Sis-in-L is finding it very difficult to cope.
    Apart from talking to people-and I understand your husband's point about your mother - you need to do it. But you also need the opportunity to get a break so that you can recharge your batteries. Also your kids need a break if they are aware of the situation. This can be difficult- my wife would go away on business (exam marking) for a few days and this helped her-altho she did worry about me being on my own. I did have very low periods when she came back strangely enough. But she found it very beneficial for her-she could cope better, support me better. With young children this is harder but maybe the familycould help. They do need to understand his illness though. Your husband may also need someone else to stay with him for support if you were away from him. My wife is certain that this was what kept her going. You need to to relieve the strain -albeit temporarily-to be able to maintain the support your husband needs.
    Be fair though- you are doing really well. Your supoort is fantatstic.
  9. Hi Everyone, I don't know if people will remember this thread as it is almost a year old, but I just wanted to update and thank the all people who posted supportive messages, especially Chris4 and Lalad.

    My husband never went back to that job. His employer became less supportive very quickly, when he realised that husband would be off for a long time. He wanted to sack him for misconduct in regard to the job not having been done properly but the MH worker with the council Occ Health service explained to him that he would be open to a DDA prosecution if he did that, so it went through capability procedure and he was dismissed that way, they then didn't pay his notice pay for over 3 months after he finished, and even then it took the union threatening court action!

    Husband is now working 2 days a week in a shop, and starting to set up his own business based on a hobby, (made about £40 at it so far!!) he does a lot of the childcare now i am back at work full time, and is feeling so much better. He saw a therapist for approx six months who has given him a number of strategies for dealing with things that get him down, and shared them with me so I can remind him if i think he needs it.

    We are totally stoney broke, have a debt management plan in place and defaults left right and centre from credit and hire purchase and stuff he took out when he was really low, but things are good.

    Thanks again to those who posted supportive messages, and maybe someone else in that position may see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. xxx

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