Monday, November 15, 2010

And it is Monday

and the kitties are in a disagreement. Street cleaner is going up the street outside, making a continuous noise...hisses and growls. Cordelia Joy is adiment that Bella Mae wants to play, she just doesn't know it yet. So what does she do? Antatgonize Bella Mae until she realizes that she really does want to play. Can't sit in the cat tree without interaction. Cordelia will sit and look at me, or lift her head so she's looking up and away from Bella Mae. Gently, even delicately, she will lift her paw and slowly move it toward her. Like she's going ^_^-heeeeee *poke* ^_______________^-heeeeee *poke* *^_____________________________^*-HeEEEeeEEE?! that. I think it is totally like that.

Weird dreams again. This time my deciding that I was going to run away to a different town-work at a different Co-Op, but was being stalked by my significant other (dream)...after here already tilted the room I had previously been in so I had fallen and hurt my leg. Previously I had been running uphill, then found myself in a booth talking to a childhood friend. Then working in a my mom's basement (and this is old-school, unfinished, spiderweb kind of basement)...
Let's just say...screwed up.

Now starts the week and a half of being completely alone.
I'm not a stranger to this kind of set-up. I'm just getting tired of it. When your relationship has pretty much worked around inconsistent schedules of hardly seeing one another, or going long periods of time being gets old. One could say perhaps that is why we're still together. You do not get sick of each other. Oh yes, you do. When you are apart a lot you both develop habits and schedules; together they might clash. So then it becomes a battle of who 'wins' this round. I am not a morning person, but by default Bill is because he has to get up early. There are times I'm offended because I'll be sleeping in (but not really) and he'll wake me up. He can't stand the fact that my schedule isn't 'normal' in the sense I stay up late some nights and sleep until 8. Or if I'm feeling run down I'll let myself sleep in longer on days off...I used to feel really guilty and ashamed of this. I don't really feel that bad about it anymore. I'm at my best in the late morning/early afternoon-early mornings are hard for me. I always got up between 5-6:30 for years, but I can recall times when I had to get up early to drive to Cosmo. class that was almost an hour eyes would be heavy. I'd end up going cross-eyed and at times have to smoke a cigarette or roll the window down all the way in the cold weather simply to wake me up.

Other times my bubble will be burst before I've had my morning coffee. Having coffee is simply a wake-up tradition for me. I start the coffee, feed the kids, turn on the Today Show and check my email. Then I drink said coffee. Coffee doesn't 'wake me up' fact, I could drink my coffee and fall back to sleep right now if I had time. Coffee just doesn't affect me, but I enjoy it as my Me time in the morning. It is a comfort, luxury, and just plain delicious. Sometimes Bill will be too 'in my face' in the mornings, teasing me...and I'll want to cry. I'm not mentally ready to deal with silliness right when I wake up.

Then it comes to sharing the t.v. When you are home alone you have the luxury of watching what you want, when you want, and no worries of a spouse thinking what you watch is stupid/silly/etc. When Bill is home I must share the t.v. I must watch college football. (I'm not into sports at all). I'm used to sharing on weekends, during the week tho, proves to be a challenge.

Then comes the times when Bill wants to go out and I'm home on a Saturday night (or not). If he's been gone all week and comes home simply to go out while I'm at work (so I see him a few hours before work, and that's it) that is a bit frustrating.

Communicating is difficult. Since he doesn't seem me or spend a lot of time with me one on one, he doesn't want to open up to me and talk about things bothering him. He's also very adamant about why he wants to go out and will not look at it any other way.

So, long story short...since we've never been able to be together like a 'normal' and 'standard' couple with the nice 9-5 jobs...when we spend a lot of time together it sometimes becomes very difficult. I find it sad/frustrating, because when you are apart from your spouse for extended periods of time, you do not want the first few hours or so of your time together to be frustrating.

Well...I best hurry up and get ready. I'm opting to work out when I get home tonight....I'm not super excited about it, but I need to get back into it. I let myself indulge this weekend a little...hormones, pms, being sad...I might have had a few extra Lindt balls.

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