Enneagram type 5 and 3 relationship phases

[Enneagram type 5] How did you manage to get into a relationship? : Enneagram

enneagram type 5 and 3 relationship phases

After people learn their own Enneagram type, the next question I invariably get asked is Man is Type 5 (Thinker) or Type 1 (Perfectionist). They can often see what is needed in the relationship or in the world and help to marshal the Five's skills toward that goal. Fives bring depth of understanding. In this episode of Limitless Laowai, we're continuing our series on “Creating amazing relationships: understanding the transformative power of.

Although both have deep feelings, both tend not to focus on them for the sake of getting on with their work. They tend to understand each other's need to balance closeness with their need for personal space: Threes contribute social skills, the ability to communicate and to sell ideas and projects, charm, energy, and a strong sense of practicality to the relationship.

They can often see what is needed in the relationship or in the world and help to marshal the Five's skills toward that goal. Fives bring depth of understanding, expertise in one or more areas, perseverance with details until the goal is accomplished, an objective dispassion, and lack of attachment to outcomes.

This can be a "brilliant" couple—sharp, successful, deeply competent, and well respected. If they are attractive, Threes can be a trophy for Fives who are usually less concerned with appearance; Fives, on the other hand, can also be a trophy for Threes who are proud of the Five's expertise and who are glad to learn from them whenever they can.

enneagram type 5 and 3 relationship phases

Both regard the other as a catch who enhances their own self-esteem and social standing. Their deep, often unspoken, feelings for each other frequently deepen even more over time, gradually allowing this couple to discover not just passion but quiet affection and pride in each other. Potential Trouble Spots or Issues This couple's emphasis on work and competency can also lead them into conflicts and tensions with each other.

A great deal of their self-esteem is also derived from their work and how it is regarded by others. Threes and Fives can get into more or less open contentiousness over who was the original source of ideas and work. There can be elements of comparing one's work and contributions, claims about who is responsible for which ideas or breakthroughs, and other forms of competitiveness coming not only from Threes but from Fives.

Defensive Fives can be explicitly antisocial and manage their fears by backing away from others. They generally fear close relationship as intimacy can lead to feeling overwhelmed, smothered or swarmed.


A Five who remembers being raised in a hectic household of four sisters says that she occasionally became so immersed in the intense, chaotic atmosphere that she would feel her boundaries dissolving.

She knew that she had reached her threshold — and needed to be alone — when she would look at her hands and be unable to decide if they were her hands or those of her sisters. When Fives are less healthy their non-attachment devolves into its mundane cousin — dissociation, the state of being cut off from feelings.

Dissociation usually means thinking in words and pictures but without emotion or body sensations. While we all dissociate from some aspects of our experience, Fives practice it as a general defense, often to protect themselves from overwhelm. I like things to be very cut-and-dry.

Relationship Type 3 with Type 5 — The Enneagram Institute

It makes them easy to analyze and predict. But emotions are a foreign realm. I can never predict them. This can translate into a superior-arrogant attitude towards others.

enneagram type 5 and 3 relationship phases

Being put in a situation where there are many new faces is quite frightening and overwhelming. Despite her age, my friend was a generally hardy, adventurous person.

enneagram type 5 and 3 relationship phases

A Five might have a quality of being three inches back behind his own eyes, watching you from a distance, looking at you through a pane of thick glass. You might sense this distance and see it as a sign of self-possession or independence.

Like Roderick Usher, the Edgar Allen Poe character, who was so sensitive that the sound of a falling feather could drive him insane, the Five could feel vulnerable to your influence, be keenly aware of your possible expectations or needs and anticipate being powerless to resist them. A Five novelist explains: For instance, I never discuss a work-in-progress with the people in my life, even my best friend, because I know how easily influenced I am.

#380 The Enneagram in Relationship: Type 5, The Observer

So I go overboard to protect them. But they have to tell me they want it. So I keep my mouth shut. One might be working on a PhD thesis about covered bridges in Pennsylvania built between and and be one of three recognized experts on the subject. Another could know all there is to know about the use of wine in Italian Neorealist films and actively communicate online with the four other people in existence who are interested in the subject.

Instead of sharing their knowledge with the world, unhealthy Fives hide inside it becoming socially unreliable and struggling with commitment. Deeply unhealthy Fives can become schizoid and unpredictable, as though dissociated parts of them are taking turns talking.

# The Enneagram in Relationship: Type 5, The Observer - LimitlessLaowaiLimitlessLaowai

They can project an absent, vaguely shocked aura or be pointedly antisocial. A Five could sit through a party and say nothing — and later claim that he had a good time — or maybe alienate others with nasty, sneering commentary.

Some Fives can be tactless and rude, demonstrating a cold lack of sympathy and an anger that comes out through aggressive acquisitiveness, passive-aggression or snide sarcasm. Very unhealthy Fives can retreat into a delusional self-made world, losing touch with reality, prone to hallucinations, developing weird phobias of invisible objects like germs. They might take action in a fitful, sporadic way and for strange, hard-to-understand reasons. Aggressive episodes are also possible, prompted or followed by bursts of acute paranoia.

Making It Work With Enneagram Type 5

Fives control through avarice, a strong desire to acquire or possess more than you need. After scaring themselves about potential loss, invasion, or scarcity, Fives try to manage their fears by accumulating and hoarding. Fives can hoard time, money, space, land, knowledge, food or emotional availability.