Freeform has, perhaps, outdone itself. 

The cable network Sunday aired a sequel to the seminal 2000 TV movie "Life-Size," in which a tiny Lindsay Lohan accidentally brings her doll  (played by Tyra Banks) to life, and it is by far the weirdest thing on TV this year. 

"Life-Size" was one of those films that aired seemingly every week on the Disney Channel in the early 2000s, and apparently gained enough of a cult status to warrant a sequel, which brings back Banks, but, unfortunately, not LiLo. Instead, Francia Raisa ("Grown-ish") steps in as Grace, the young CEO of the toy company that manufactures the Eve doll, who needs some help from her life-size best friend to find her heart. Also, the meaning of Christmas and a boyfriend and her mom and some other things, too, because why not?

Freeform's blatant millennial nostalgia play is – shocker! – full of nostalgia and millennials, with just a sprinkling of Gen Z "wokeness" in there for the kiddies. The whole idea of "Life-Size 2: A Christmas Eve" (because the doll is named "Eve"!) is absurd, and the final product starts out hilariously bad before going off-the-rails bonkers, ranging from Banks rapping to a criminal conspiracy to what I'm pretty sure is a version of hell.  

Like the first film, the doll is brought to life by a resurrection spell and sings a song about shining bright and shining far and being a star. But there are some definitive twists to the formula. For instance, when Grace wakes up with a strange woman in her bed, she just assumes she blacked out and hooked up. (The number of bad sex jokes in this scene is pretty staggering, for what's supposedly a kids movie.)

Most of the film consists of groan-worthy fish-out-of-water jokes that rely on seeing Banks wandering around the world in a full evening gown and giant wig. Because Freeform decided to make it a Christmas movie, there's also a sequence set in some kind of Christmas theme park, where Grace bonds with a hunky guy whose name I can't even remember, but he has a cute little sister and just enough scruff to seem down to Earth. 

Everything's going by the Hallmark Christmas movie formula, down to an emotional reunion between Grace and her estranged mother, until the film's completely insane climax. After being ousted as CEO of her toy company, Grace crashes a shareholders meeting in the most obnoxious millennial pink suit and presents a new version of Eve that is so shockingly tone deaf you might wish it was a parody of corporate America trying to be hip with the kids instead of a heroine's triumphant victory. Among the worst parts of the scene: A "Woke Eve Doll" complete with pink protest hat, and Banks rapping like Cardi B, with none of her skill. My skin crawls  just remembering the scene. 

But none of that compares to the realization I had when Eve gets her happy ending. During the film, Eve has been creepily pursued by a chef she meets at brunch (who always wears his chef coat, even at a shareholders meeting). When she tells him that she has to leave for "Sunnyvale," the weird doll world she came from, he agrees to go with her, but there's one problem: He thinks it's in Arizona.  Instead of hopping on Southwest Airlines, Eve says a spell and kidnaps her beau to a pink hellscape, where all the food is plastic and he'll, you know, never see his friends or family again. 

But it's all fine, because Christmas, I guess? If this is nostalgia, I'm perfectly fine leaving the past behind. There are some fun moments and references (including a photo of a young Lohan) but inevitably, "Life-Size 2" is more hollow than the corporate baddies who try to stop the Eve doll from being made. And did I mention the weird doll-nightmare world thing?

If Freeform is looking for more late 90s/early 2000s millennial fare to revive, may I suggest Disney Channel classics "Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century" or "Smart House"?

Just no more dolls. I shudder to think what "Life-Size 3" might bring. 

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