Sunday, June 3, 2012

Ah ha moment

 Recently, while cleaning out my garage (of my former home) two paintings that my mom did
came down from the loft storage.  

While reviewing them, I was amazed at the emotions that swept over me.
I miss her.  She's been gone for 23 years.  That's almost all of my daughter's
life. I missed out on having her be my Mom during the rest of the happy and sad times of
my life.  My children missed out on having her as their grandma.  (She would have
been an awesome grandma!) 

I realized that I've been mad at her for leaving us all of these years.  We had to
learn to navigate adult life without her.  We had to grieve the loss of our beloved
Gram without her.  We had to discover who we were without her and we had
to redefine our family without her.

So maybe now that I've realized my emotions I can let go of
the anger.  She didn't want to leave. She was only 52.  I'm going to
be 3 years older than that this summer.  She had dreams, talents and skills.
Cut short by a terrible disease.

In memory of Mom I'm going to do the following:
1.  Continue to be grateful for each day of all of the people that I love in my life.
2.  Continue to strive to be the best person I can be.
3.  Strive to be the best sister, daughter, aunt, niece, wife, mom and stepmom I can be.
4.  Continue to learn new things and learn to change.

Thanks Mom.  I love you.


Thursday, November 24, 2011

The Play is Under Review

We are college football fans and this season has been filled with reviews of numerous
plays during the game.  It got me to thinking about how handy that would be if we could
use it in real life.

For instance; you are about to make a big purchase of  a new TV or appliance, but
you just aren't sure.  So, before you swipe your card, ask for a play review to make sure
this is the time and the right item to purchase.

Or how about this one; you are about to react to an email you received and write a curt reply.  Ask for a play review before you hit that send button. You might just go ahead and push "send", or you  might decide to wait to reply when your emotions aren't so high.

It could come in helpful right before you eat the 4th chocolate chip cookie.  Do a play review
and decide if a 4th cookie really will taste as good as you think it will or it might taste better in
a couple hours.

The older my children get the more I do miniature play reviews of their childhoods and the endearing
behaviors and comments that they have made.  Play reviews can also serve as a red flag warning to prevent you from repeating something stupid.

I can see several implications in my own life. However, it could be easy to use the play review as
a procrastination rather than a support in making a decision that could curtail goals or financial
plans. Then I guess I would call it a nap review and sleep on it.  :o)

Thursday, October 6, 2011


As time passes on in this life of mine, I am learning the art of communication.
If I reflect long enough, I could say that most of my frustrations throughout
my life have been due to lack of communication; either on my part or the
other person.  The answer seems simple enough, but if I think to all the advice
I've given to all the children I've worked with, communication should be alot
easier.  So, once again, I learn my lessons from children and think about
practicing what I have advised others to do.

1.  Ask why?  If you don't ask, you won't know.  It never hurts to ask.
2.  Use your words.  If you don't tell people what you need, how you feel
     or how they made you feel, no one else will.
3.  Take turns.  Ever been in a conversation with someone who only talks
     about themselves?  Yes, it's good to listen and then share.  It's called
     a conversation.
4.  Listen while the other person is talking.  A while ago, my brother visited
     Japan.  He said the thing that the Japanese noticed about Americans is
     that instead of listening to the other person, we are thinking in our head
     what we are going to say next.
5.  It's ok to pause and think about your response.  If you needed to, tell
     the other person you are thinking.
6.  Ask questions like "What do you think should happen next?" or "How
     do you see me helping in this situation?"  Then you learn more about where
    the other person's expectations are.
7.  Never miss the chance to "use your words" and tell someone how proud you
     are of them, how much you love them, or how appreciative of them you are.
     Those are called "sparkling words" to another person's soul.

So, go out and communicate!

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Building a house

My husband and I started the adventure of building a new home in April 2011
At the same time we each had homes that we put on the market to not only help
pay for this new home, free us from the question of what would need to be updated next,
and create a home for our newly blended family.

We've learned alot in 5 months and here's a run down of the ones that
stick out in my mind.

1.  Always ask "How much extra will this cost?" when the builder asks you if you 
want to add something to your house.  This is how people go way over budget
from the original predicted house cost.  You have the power to say "yes" or "no"
to their suggestion.  

2.  Decide where you want your home to have the upgrades and allow the rest of
the house to be average.  Usually this would be the main level and we decided to
focus ours on where we would spend the most time; master bedroom and bath, kitchen
and living room. 

3.  Ask questions about why some siding is done and other parts of the house is not,
or why the mortar between stones is not even. Sometimes you'll get an understandable
answer, other times, you will to say, "Well that's not going to work for me and it needs
to get fixed."

4.  Recognize the people who actually build your home.  Some will be laborers who do 
all the foundational work others will be craftsmen, such as the trim and woodwork and the 
tile layers. We took iced water bottles and Gatorade during the summer and recently
took donuts to the men laying the tile.

5.  If my husband hadn't known alot about electrical, plumbing, dry wall, carpeting, 
etc., etc., etc., I don't know what we would have done.  Have someone that knows
about stuff like that.

6.  When you aren't happy with something, tell them.  You are the customer and
you are signing your life away for 15, 20, or 30 years to pay for this purchase.
Get it the way you want.

7. Realize that sometimes houses don't sell like you think they will. My husband's
house was a great home in a great location in a small town 30 minutes away from 
here, but the realtor was worried how long it would take to sell because houses
weren't selling quickly there.  My house was also in a good location, great
neighborhood and a sweet house. It was predicted to sell within 60-90 days. 
His house sold in 1 1/2 months and mine is still on the market.

8.  With building and selling a home, keep in contact with your realtor, builder, contractor
often.  As the house got to the stage where more detail was happening, we went to the
house every day. We would "drop in" during the day at the construction site and we 
would go after everyone had left so that we could look at how things were done.

The good news is that the decisions we are now talking about are landscaping ones. 
We've lived through the paint, carpet, lights, faucets, counter tops, cabinets, and stain 
color choices. WE are now getting to see how our choices are fitting together and we
get to think about plants and lawn maintenance, which is almost a welcome relief from
 all the decision making before.

The best part about all of this? I will still get to live in a home with my husband, and our
 children will have more room to stay with us when they are in town.  
That's really all that matters.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Happy Birthday Mom

Today would have been my Mom's 75th birthday.  She died 23 years ago (March 10, 1989)
as a result of ALS. 23 years is a long time not to have your mother in your life. 
I've missed sharing so much with her; my children, jobs, interests, family, etc. There are times
when I have to make myself remember things that are important to remember like her laugh,
her little mannerisms and all the fun times we had.  I wonder how much different my children's
lives would be if they had their Grandma Betty in their lives.  She was so excited to be a
Grandma, and that awful disease prohibited her from being the kind of grandma that she wanted to be.

Here's a couple fun memories of my Mom.
1.  When we lived on the farm, I had a horse named Ginger.  Ginger had a terrible habit
of bucking people off when you wanted her to gallop.  She would walk anywhere you wanted her to,
but kick in for faster movement and she would just start bucking.  One day after getting bucked off yet
another time, I went crying to Mom.  She stomped out to the barnyard (she was barely 5 feet tall,
so stomping might be too strong of a word) grabbed Ginger by the reins and climbed on. 
Now this feat alone was heroic because of her size and the fact she hated horses.  She kicked in
and Ginger took off and then immediately stopped, lowered her head and deposited Mom in the
biggest mud puddle she could find.  All of us laughed and she wasn't hurt. Sadly, Ginger didn't stay
very long after that because a horse that won't gallop isn't much fun. 
2.  We lived in the new house in Oakley and one summer day, Mom had us outside watering trees.  She
didn't think we were moving quite fast enough and came out to nag us,  as mother's often resort to. 
I had the hose and sprayed her.  A full blown water fight ensued and it is one of my fondest memories of my mom and the 3 of us kids having fun. Yes, we were all soaked and our jaws hurt from laughing so much.

The point is, the simplest times are the fondest memories.  Happy Birthday Mom, I miss you.

Wear boots

I commented on my FB page that I hoped that today would be a better day.  A friend of
mine then texted me and asked what was up and I told her I was tired of dealing with
two faced people and their c*ap.  Her reply was priceless, "C*ap is everywhere, wear boots!"
I had let my guard down and forgot my boots so someone else's drama got the best of me.
It got me to thinking, at what point to we say to these people that you've had enough of their
c*ap and call them on it?  Here's some of my ideas:
1.  When they try to take credit for your work.
2.  When they try to pretend that they know everything.
3.  When they throw you under the "bus" to someone else; refer to #1, and #2.
4.  When protocol isn't followed and they get by with it.
5.  When it starts affecting your sleep.
6.  When they state how gloriously happy they are.
7.  When they have no clue how stupid they sound and look.
8.  When they try to make me look or sound stupid.
9.  When they try to make it look like I haven't done my job.
10.  Just because of all of the above.

Then I ask myself, "what good would it do?"  I might feel better, yes.  Would it help
my career? Probably not.  So for now, the best advice I got is "to wear boots".
Because c*ap happens.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Learning to Walk

In the same week, I've had several conversations about a child learning to walk.
While observing in a toddler room, a 16 month old is still crawling around
on the floor.  The teacher and I visited about his muscle tone, feet and legs,
brainstorming whether or not it was something physical. I learned the rest of
the story when I asked the teacher about the child's family; she told me
3 older siblings, all girls.  No wonder he isn't walking!

Earlier today, I visited with another provider about a toddler, 13 months, who after
spending the weekend at home, wants to be carried everywhere by his child care
provider during the day.  She said she was feeling mean by not picking him up everytime
he wanted to be held.  We talked about the need for him to develop his muscles and
confidence and that certainly when he needed comforting and reassurance, she would
pick him up. And we concluded that she wasn't as mean as she was feeling.  :o)

Later I picked up a new magazine and started looking through it and this short article
caught my eye; "Learning to Walk".  It's by Debra Sullivan and it's in the latest
Child Care Exchange Magazine.  She talks about the joy of watching her nephew
learn how to walk  and says "It's only a matter of time before he lets go of all
support systems" (i.e. Mom, Dad, furniture)"and takes that first series of wobbly,
but independent steps."  She then linked it to the process of personal change
for adults. 
  • "If you don't stand up, you can't walk."
  • "Just because you can't now, doesn't mean you can't later."
  • "Never grow a wishbone where a backbone should be."
  • "If it were easy, you would have done it a long time ago."
  • "Don't believe everything you think."
I love all of those  quotes; especially "Don't believe everything you think."  Now I wonder how
long it will be when I will let go of all of my "support systems", i.e. comfort zones, and
take the first of a series of steps into the process of change.