The C-Word

I know I could be overreacting. I know the doctor told me not to panic, but they mentioned that word today. The C-word and now I can’t stop thinking about it. All the what-ifs. And I’ve never felt so scared.

They tell you not to worry, they’re just concerned about something and want to run tests for cancer. Of course I’m going to worry. There’s been something wrong with me for 7 months and my GP wouldn’t listen. She told me it was nothing. Bleeding was normal. Took me ages to get her to even consider sending me to a gynae, and now I’ve been and gone, and true to ‘That girl’s’ form….I have unusual and concerning symptoms.

I got so upset at work last night, a few hours after they told me. My box showed up 3 hours late, so I just stood doing nothing, and then I was so rushed getting their food because they’re ‘VIP’ that I was unbelievably stressed in the kitchen, running back and forth, wasn’t allowed my break or my dinner, and at the end of the night they stayed so long even my supervisor was getting angry. At the end of a shift we need to restock the boxes and we have to go to the cellar, every time I did that, they kept opening more, even when I explained they could go to the bar…otherwise I keep having to go to the cellar. But in all honesty, it distracted me. It was when they were finally leaving that I got upset. In all fairness, they’d been nice to look after, but the woman had been so overly kind to me that it got me upset when they were finally leaving and I wasn’t thinking about work anymore.

I just sat in my box and cried. I’ve never felt this scared before and it puts everything in perspective. What’s a few pounds here and there, if this is the worst case scenario. Who cares what people think about my weight when this could be the worst thing to happen to me.

They said that if it is, the C-word, it will be very early stages…but this is me, everything fucks up for me, nothing ever goes well for long enough, nothing does, nothing lasts, I’m the girl with a list of things wrong with her as long as her name and I can’t cope with something else.

The abnormalities could be nothing, but they could be something and it freaks me out. I’ve never felt so scared. I can’t help thinking, what if. What if it is.

I know it could easily be nothing but what if?

I’m incredibly grateful to have these two to help me with whatever the answer to that question may be.