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The Bachelorette Premiere: Tools With Props

Guys, I'm so happy right now. Sometimes I worry that The Bachelorette won't be very exciting because it's all guys instead of girls. I was especially worried this year because Emily seems really serious about finding love and completing her family.


But I didn't have to worry! The producers took her earnest request and filled it using some seriously laughable specimens (plus managed to work in SIX mentions of her fiance's plane crash).

Still, there's a potential husband or two in this mix. We'll get to them another day. Tonight, we have so many opening-ceremony awards to give out. Almost as many awards as there were props tonight--accessories included but were not limited to an ostrich egg, a cane and custom bobble heads.

Unexpected frontrunner award: Ryan

I know I all but accused him of being a nap-loving nursery schooler last week, but Ryan a) works with kids, b) acts like a regular human and c) lives in Augusta, Georgia. I smell a finalist...

Worst job of hiding self-promotional tendencies: Jef

Oh, nothing. Just a bus with the name of my company on it that I definitely didn't have made expressly for this occasion.

Biggest overreach: David

"I don't want to toot my own horn, but writing songs comes really natural to me." Okay, go ahead. "Emily, Emily, Emily, yeah-oh, Emily."

Skinniest tie award: Arie

After seeing this, bolo ties everywhere developed eating disorders.

Most likely to be given a reality show purely out of pity: Brent

Everybody was all about the kids tonight--unless they were Brent's kids, all six of 'em, whom he mentioned repeatedly. Everybody was basically like yeah yeah who doesn't have six kids shut up God Brent you're the worst. People were not into it. But why would we deny any generally decent human being something Jon Gosselin benefited from?

Best disguise: Hair, everyone

I watched the "this season on" tag at the end of the episode to try to predict for you guys what might go down in the next couple episodes. It's impossible, thanks to a menagerie of manchild cowlicks. From the back, these guys are all just shadowy, cockatoo-shaped figures.

Worst disguise: (I mean, do I even need to say it?) Randy as Grandma

Randy. Honestly, a few of us thought you had a shot when we snap-judged you. We were so, so wrong. Randy showed up in a gray wig and house dress, then flung it all away to reveal... another disguise! A waiter at the Country Bear Jamboree in Disneyworld!

What? Those were his real clothes? Never mind. The best part of the whole thing was when the boys were all panicking about one-on-one time, Randy worried aloud that "the grandma thing might not be enough. I need more time with her."

Best pawn: Stevie

Sup Stevie. Nice moves on your way in. Your legs are like Gumby's. I'm glad the producers let you dance like no one was watching--while a woman you're ostensibly trying to marry was watching--before they plunked you into the role of irrationally peeved pot-stirrer. Which brings me to...

Lowest-impact stunt: Kalon

Kalon's mama always taught him to make a good first impression. But she also named him Kalon. His behavior is, to an extent, just a self-fulfilling prophecy (and also a prediction of ours). So Kalon's like: I'm gonna show these people an entrance the likes of which they've never--what? Oh, it's The Bachelor? They're actually overrun with helicopters? Hmm. Well, I already stocked it with Fiji water and bragged to my friends Pierre and Slate about it, so I guess I'll just see it through.


Cheeseball extraordinaire award: Tony

For crying out loud, do I have to hold these guys' hands? Should I be personally issuing them memos advising against saying things like "Who has two thumbs and is gonna marry Emily? This guy!" Should I be searching their bags upon arrival for child-size glass slippers and ring bearer pillows? I miss the good old days, when the freaks brought face masks and everybody else just packed their favorite, ultra-shiny coordinates from the Regis Philbin Who Wants To Be A Millionaire (In Jewel Tones!) Collection.Best Franz from Father of the Bride impression: Joe

I didn't say intentional impression.

Most obvious problem with commitment: Aaron

These fake eyeglasses from American Apparel really helped me break out of that rut.

No! They aren't me. They just aren't.

You know what--I think I was just nervous before. These are my new trademark glasses.

Emily! Psst, Emily! I'm not gonna wear those glasses anymore, I swear. That was a one-time thing and it didn't mean anything to me!

For those of you keeping score at home, here's who Emily axed on night one: Brent, David, Lerone, Jean-Paul, Randy, Jackson. (Jackson took off his shirt and said "I guess this is what she's missing." You guess? Is that body a rental?)

__What'd you guys think of the premiere? Who are you pegging as early front-runners?


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Photo: ABC