Spring Cleaning

posted Apr 21, 2018, 11:11 AM by Viktor Zólyomi
Recent revolutionary research performed at the University of Con City into the origins of the age-old domestic chore known as spring cleaning has led to startling discoveries. Professor van der Bishop, the initiator of the research, shares his findings.

`Contrary to popular belief, spring cleaning is not a response to the dirt accumulated over the course of the winter months,' he says. `It is, against all intuition, not the manifestation of a youthful drive given to us by the spring weather in order to clean up the mess of winter. On the contrary. Spring cleaning is a direct consequence not of the existence of winter, but of spring itself. In order to understand why, we must first realize where all the dust in our homes really comes from.'

According to the studies performed by the Professor's research group, the dust commonly found in homes is composed in over ninety percent of organic materials. More specifically, pollen.

`The vast majority of the dust in flats and houses comprises grains of pollen that enter our homes through the open windows,' the Professor states. `The reason dust accumulates indoors is because as soon as the spring weather comes, we open our windows to let the fresh air in, and the unfortunate side effect of doing so is that all the pollen in the air outside comes with it. And in the spring, due to the biology of plant life, the air is filled to the figurative brim with pollen.'

The Professor's research further reveals that there is a very particular reason why an extreme amount of dust accumulates in our homes as soon as spring begins.

`You may have heard a thing or two about what the birds and the bees do in the spring,' the Professor elucidates. `What you may not know is that their reproduction habits have dire consequences for the human race. Bees, as is common knowledge, are pollinators. In layman's terms, that means they play a key role in gathering and spreading the pollen of flowers. Due to this job of theirs, they inevitably carry some residual pollen with them when their shift ends, and all that pollen gets shaken off when they engage in quality time with their significant others. In addition, those of them that engage in the animal kingdom equivalent of office flirtation, spread even more pollen in the air. And unlike human society, bees have no HR, or rather, BR department, to discipline their workers for unprofessional conduct at the workplace.'

While the bees are perhaps the biggest source of the increased concentration of pollen in the air, the spread of pollen from the air into our homes is in fact caused by other animals.

`The birds actually provide the biggest contribution to the spread of pollen,' Professor van der Bishop explains. `Their own mating habits involve a lot of flying, especially during the foreplay and the climax. The flapping of their wings creates gusts of wind increasing the spread of pollen. Moreover, due to the birds wanting to keep away from human habitats in their private moments, they fly away from houses, which means their wings flap towards the houses, and therefore all the pollen in the air is driven towards our homes. Incidentally, the birds are also the reason why the spring is the windiest season of them all.'

Professor van der Bishop plans to follow up his research with a related project on what he calls the `bird wing effect,' which is his theory that a bird flapping its wings on the other side of the street can cause a tornado in your living room. While his research may tempt some of us to keep our windows closed during the spring, the Professor warns that it would be ill advised to do so.

`Keeping the windows closed would just make things worse,' he states. `The constant dust storm hitting the closed windows could stain them up so bad that within a few days it would be impossible to see through them due to the deposited grime. By the end of the first week no light would make it through into the room, which is likely to lead to depression. Best to put up with the cleaning chores, no matter how tiresome they may be.'

If you would like to know more about the science of spring cleaning, request a reprint of the Professor's new research article, `Why the birds and the bees and the flowers are responsible for the most exhausting household chore in the history of mankind,' from the Department of Bullshitology - where Professor van der Bishop serves as Head of Department - at the University of Con City.