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An autograph hunter's dream.

“As a libertarian I don't believe in tyrannical government depriving people of their freedom through incarceration, just their lives if they step foot on my property and somehow get past the land mine perimeter. I never consented to this when I refused to pay my taxes!”

~ Lex Luthor on prison



How to go to Prison[edit]

Prison Food is very tasty.
Main article: HowTo:Get Arrested



If you're a politician, you cannot simply commit a crime and expect to be fast tracked into your local penitentiary. You will also find that the brain damage that conditioned you to a life in politics also prevents you from confessing to your crime.




Most reliably, have sex with a police officer while they're asleep and tattoo them with hentai. Be sure to leave a Post-It note with your name and address so they know where to find you.

Tax Avoidance? Forget it. Nothing is going to happen.

Common Prison Activities[edit]

The purpose of prison is to teach people that depriving others of their livelihoods is wrong, this is accomplished by depriving them of their means to make a living and the general will to live.


Sexual intimacy can be much quicker achieved within the walls, sometimes incredibly suddenly. Many men find they would never have been able to imagine or comprehend some of the acts performed on them. It is thus sex education that forms a major part of the prison experience.


Religious freedom isn't quite so free in prison, for one Sikhs don't get their sacred Kirpan knives or else it would be way to easy for them, similarly Catholics don't get to carry crucifixes and make shivs. Even access to your sacred book can be revoked if you're found dampening rolled up pages of a sacred text to harden into a fine point and turn into a shank. Because enough lawsuits were eventually filed, religious holidays from prison work are allowed, however atheists get no equivalent time off, if the prison really wanted to promote intercultural appreciation they would just give everyone the days off for every religions holiday, and throw in some non theistic ones.

You will find yourself wanting to hang around like-minded people, and thus joining an activity group or "gang" is a perfect way to improve your social life. While all gangs are interested in violins and drugs, you can choose your preferred gang by stating your favourite skin colour (as long as its your own). If you're biracial or gay you get to play on hard mode. Extra hard mode, is for convicted cops and crimes involving children, on this mode everyone your locked up with automatically hates you and if you're a cop at least an extra gangs worth have personal vendettas from when you arrested them; like the gospels say, "Live by the shield, die by the shield".

Pregnant women may also get to play special women's reproductive health themed mini games, where they give birth while handcuffed to a prison hospital bed before their baby is taken away from them, or if they are in a country that doesn't believe in abortion, a game where their refusal to eat food is interpreted as a prisoner hunger strike and they are force fed with a tube shoved down their throat and a series of unwelcome inspections from a licensed OB-GYN to make sure everything's up and running at the baby factory.

For those that find the prison experience a bit too civilian, it is recommended they check out the military prison, prisoner of war and war crimes tribunal expansion packs which may offer the physical, intellectual and emotional challenge they are looking for.

Gifts For Prison Inmates[edit]

Easier than most things to hide in your rectum, gemstones are hard enough to scrape steel bars and stone walls if you press hard and fast enough over a long period of time, just don't let the guards or other inmates see it or someone might make you their new prison wife. You'll also need to get really, really good at piecing broken metal or stone back together with a constant supply of glue made from animal bones from the cafeteria, but by the time you get out you'll be good enough at reconstructing things to repair a broken Ming Dynasty vase.



Prison Break[edit]




Here are a few suggestions to avoid being paroled:





Serving Time[edit]



  • Rob your local liquor store at gunpoint, omit to wear a mask, and make sure to get close to the security camera; say something funny like, "Look, Ma, I'm on TV robbing a liquor store!"
  • Rob banks: if you rob a bank they call it a crime, if the bank robs you they call it a service charge.
  • Build a bomb and then e-mail your city government for suggestions on where it might best be planted for maximum effect.
  • Masturbate in public, or in some random strangers house.
  • Be homeless.

Proof that Prison Sucks[edit]


Proof that crime does NOT pay!

How to become a Correctional Officer[edit]


One or more of the following traits will help out significantly throughout your career:

  • Sleeping while on the job
  • Pressing the shiny red "Unlock All" button
  • Taking bribes
  • Bringing in anything listed as "contraband"
  • Having the prisoners fight in an underground Muay Thai kickboxing tournament to win their freedom. [citation needed]

See also[edit]

External links[edit]

Actions of life and death