25 September 2012

have yourself a racist little christmas.

8. Sheitan (2006)

Sheitan ('Satan' in Arabic) is a strange little French horror film that's never fully committed to being a horror film until the last half hour or so. Until then, it meanders—at its own leisure—through a series of oddball sequences concerning three young douchebags named Bart, Thaï, and Ladj trying to score some pussy and two young women named Eve and Yasmine whose pussies happen to be the most ready-to-hand, for scoring purposes. Eve invites the group (or lures them, depending on your interpretation) to her parents' large manor house, secluded in the French countryside, and introduces them to Joseph, the grinning, demented groundskeeper at the estate—and eponymous demon—played (with obvious delight, I might add) by Vincent Cassel.

9. Sint [a.k.a. Saint Nick and Saint] (2010)

If you think that American horror movies have cornered the market on obnoxious, shallow, utterly repellent teenagers who deserve to die grisly deaths for the amusement and entertainment of others, then I've got a movie for you. Sint is the tale of a marauding St. Nick (with third-degree burns and a jaunty red miter) who rides around present-day Amsterdam on horseback killing teens and children to avenge being burned alive by angry villagers in 1492. As you might guess, this film isn't exactly Citizen Kane of slashers. In fact, it was so uninvolving that Sint became the first aborted viewing of the Halloween Film Fest. What's more interesting than the film itself, however, is the cultural education it afforded me: Did you know that, instead of elves, the Dutch yuletide mythology includes 'Black Petes'—which are demonic moors dressed in old-timey page costumes? I'm not making this shit up. So on or around St. Nicholas Day, many Dutch people walk around in blackface and red lipstick. (Wouldn't you like to see them try that in Compton?) 


  1. Are you a Vincent Cassel fan? I saw him in Mesrine earlier this year. I thought he was pretty good.

    1. He's a good actor. I'm not really a fan of any actors (or many, anyway). Whether I like them usually varies depending on the film they're in.

    2. I take that back. These are the actors/actresses I'm a fan of:

      Anna Karina
      Adam Scott
      David Warner
      Isabelle Huppert
      Asia Argento

      (That's all I can think of right now, but I'm sure there are others.)

      Actors/actresses I dislike (in general):

      Leonardo DiCaprio
      George Clooney
      Tom Cruise
      Gerard Depardieu
      Jamie Foxx
      Michael Douglas
      Ted Danson
      et al

    3. Oh god, I hate Nicholas Cage. And Kevin Costner!

    4. Oh, no! Where did my whole previous post go??

    5. Oh wow, go "back button!" I never thought that would work. Here it is:

      Yeah, I don't know if I have actual favorites, either. Or at least I don't have an already-written-out list. I do love me some Paul Giamatti, though. And I told you I like Philip Seymour Hoffman. I also like either Carey Mulligan or Michelle Williams but I don't know which because they're the same person (kidding: I like Carey Mulligan). I like Tilda Swinton. I love Cate Blanchett. I like Vera Farmiga. I love my sophisticated ladies.

      I hate Tom Cruise. I hate Kate Winslet. I don't care for Tom Hanks, although he's never done anything to me personally. I think it is 'cool' to dislike George Clooney, although I actually do like George Clooney. I also like Claire Danes.

      If I'm bored later, I'll put together a more comprehensive list. For this, I've just basically rattled off whoever popped into my head first and categorized them as a 'yes' or 'no.'

    6. 'Cool' or not, I genuinely dislike George Clooney. I think he's a smug bastard. I ALMOST added Kate Winslet to my LIKE list. What do you have against her?

      I really like Tilda Swinton and dislike Claire Danes--she's a homewrecker.

      I'm pretty neutral about the other ones you mentioned.


      Her eyebrows. I find it distracting that they don't match the hair on her head.



      What a fucking douchebag!

  2. i would not say no to sexy times with vincent cassel and i think he's an excellent actor -- i love brotherhood of the wolf and that was my first introduction to him. i don't know about this liking or disliking either -- admiring their acting abilities doesn't necessary think i approve of them as people i'd enjoy in real life -- david makes an excellent point about claire danes. i have enjoyed her acting but given her shitty behaviour with billy crudup and the bitchy faces at public events where she is always making like she's got a pickle up her butt, i don't care for her. :)

    david, i am loving your horror takes. continue being awesome please. :)

    1. Thanks, Annabel!

      Now I always think of Vincent Cassel being exactly like that douche he played in Black Swan! I can't help it for some reason. I guess that means he's a good actor, right? I'm no longer able to differentiate him from his character...

      Ha! Yeah, it always looks like Claire Danes has bad gas. Get some Bean-O, homewrecker!