Comedy Roundtable

Dustin Nickerson

February 08, 2022 Dustin Nickerson Season 5 Episode 51
Comedy Roundtable
Dustin Nickerson
Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

You are skydiving and your parachute fails...who is the first person that comes to mind? And, do you land feet first, belly flop or curled up in a fetal position? How small could humans be and still be the dominant species on Earth? And, what is a parenting moment you would love to get back? These and other great lightning round questions are answered by our guest, comedian Dustin Nickerson.

 A Seattle native now suffering in Southern California, Dustin Nickerson is an in demand comic on the rise. In 2020, he released his debut comedy special Overwhelmed which is currently one of the highest rated specials on Amazon Prime Video. In addition, he’s been featured on Comedy Central and Netflix by Kevin Hart, he’s been seen on Fox, the Grand Ole Opry’s Circle Network, Hulu and can regularly be heard on Sirius Radio XM. Online, his stand-up clips and jokes have received tens of millions of views and his podcast, Don’t Make Me Come Back There, has over a million downloads. Dustin describes himself as “the world’s most average person” but is far from it when on stage. He brings you into his life through his jokes about the struggles of parenting, marriage, and being generally annoyed by most people.

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Note: Apologies for the audio quality for host Jamie Hernan in this episode. He joined the show from deep in a quarantine cave. 

Smells Like Humans
Like spending time with funny friends talking about curious human behavior.

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People around here trust the shippers Jamie, Adam in the other Jamie. They always have the sheep trust to gather around. I'll throw another log on the fire. Turn it up just a touch with another episode of the podcast. Now, brand new episode of the podcast starts now. Jamie Bendel Jamie Hernan and even in the studio that's all we got for you folks tonight. Our guest today is Stephen Nickerson Dustin, welcome. Thanks for joining us. Yeah. Thanks for having me. So we do lightning round format of the show. We ask, hopefully probing and thought provoking questions, you provide top of mine answers, and we follow the conversation where it goes, first question we ask our guests is clockwise or counter clockwise, just in general, you know, clockwise, or clockwise, starting with Adam. All right. My first question for you is who wins in a fight between a guy who has a Glock which is just essentially a pistol with 15 rounds in it versus a guy with a sword, but they're in complete darkness? Who wins that fight? Oh, that guy with the gun? Yeah. Yeah. It's still you still gonna have a sense of where the guy is? Yeah, just kind of right. Yeah, try Yeah. Close. Season just as much. Yeah, that's that's a lot of bullets. There's a lot of actually shooting. If you said maybe three bullets maybe at a done sword, but you know, there's Todd's wise Yeah, just spray attack on gun and just do this. You're eventually right. Yeah. What's the how's the guy with the sword? gonna avoid that? What's a good point? Maybe lay down on the floor? And hope for the best. Yeah. And then just like swinging at the feet? Yeah, I think even if in the dark. If you bring a sword to a gunfight, you're going to lose. Got it? Okay, good answer. All right. So you are skydiving and your parachute snaps loose and it floats away. Who was the first person that comes to mind? Ah, my wife isn't overly sentimental to say I would I would say my wife. I think it's very good answer. Follow up question. Do you land feet first? Do you go for the belly flop? fetal position? Yeah, yeah, I probably go head or whatever is for sure. I mean, no matter what, you're gonna die, but I don't even want the moment of pain. Right? And you know, if you I feel like if you go feet first, there's a chance that you're gonna feel your legs break. So I don't know how you fall through space space or air air. Okay, you guys base downward. Yeah, well, I assume it's downward. But I'm wondering, can you still aim yourself? Or are you just without the ability to direct yourself? Oh, I think you can definitely aim yourself. Yeah, if you can control your body right you know, you see skydivers doing that quite a bit. Right? Because you're basically you hold your arms out to try and get yourself flat if you don't do that you'll go you'll basically go like a missile. Well, because I was wondering then with his thing are you trying then to aim for pavement? Over grass? Yeah, I don't think brass is doing much for you. Yeah. Waters do I don't know the answer is that's why I was asking the question. I have always thought about like, if you hit a tree would you have a chance? You know, like maybe if you're breaking limbs on the way down like both types your own and the trees limbs? You know? Is there any way to survive? Cuz I think even if you hit water at that speed, it's probably gonna kill you right? I think I view trees in the canopy of a tree the same way I view a cloud like it's there's something soft and fluffy about it but it will slow you down or just as a softness to it like you when you think like a tree it's but then a tree is like a heavy instrument of death right? It would Securi but don't you think there is a chance because a tree branch could break yes grounds not gonna break there's a chance that you could break that thing as you go down it right or am I just insane? Yeah, I think you're right. And if you get like a one of those, you know, Pacific Northwest trees. Yeah. Redwood Douglas fir. You could you know, it's kind of super tall. Maybe you could slow down enough to not die. Yeah, all you need to do is have your shirt snag on a branch. All right, my turn. Alright. Doesn't I am your wing man. Mm hmm. What are we doing? Oh, just oh gosh, I'm so um, you're you're gonna fire me you're gonna find a different person to be. I mean, I am the lamest. I've got nothing for you. I think that's squared that the first thing that you're going to do is you're going to find you're going to get on Tinder to find someone else to be their wingman. You're going to look you're going to flow your way resume. Oh, no, I have no nighttime interests I have I don't go to clubs. I've never been to a strip club I none of it. None of it whatsoever. But there are so many things to unpack there. First is it would be great to use Tinder to identify people that you are then approached and say, Look, I'm not trying to start a relationship. I just want to be your wingman. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah, there needs to be Tinder for all the different kinds of relationships, not just romantic. Right, exactly. Okay. How small Do you think we could shrink humans before we become no longer the dominant species on the planet? Hmm. Well, let's see here. We used to be significantly smaller, right? We're growing bigger now. Right. Used to right. Your do our brain stay the same size? No, no, they shrink with you. Wait, brains still have the same capacity to function? Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Same capacity to function. We could get pretty small but because it's not our size that does anything for us. Now. It's a see, you know, our brains and our thumbs. That's all we got. I would say we could get down to probably about two to three feet. Okay. But not pencil height. No, no, no, no, I think anything too much smaller than that. None of the things we build would actually have that much impact. Alright, Jamie, you're up. All right, Dustin, what is your best heckling story. You know, heckling stories, at a certain point are almost like, what's it like? It's like Seinfeld said this. It's like asking a cab driver. If he's ever taken a wrong turn. Like I mean, where do you even start? I Hmm, this is I'll take it a slightly different direction. There's a the worst shows that we were doing during the pandemic didn't even have a chance of heckling. Because we were doing driving. And I will take a drunk crowd full of hecklers over drive ins where they don't laugh. They honk. Like that was how they would show that they enjoyed the Joe. Oh, no. That's the worst comedic experience I can imagine. Because not to mention, I mean of course the timing is weird and all that kind of stuff, but it just doesn't feel good. Like Hong Kong has a negative noise. Yeah, and like people have like left shows and stuff before and it hurts your feelings to see like a person stand up and leave but to hear cars turn on their engines. Like drive out of the parking lot killer. That's that's worse than any heckle I can imagine. Especially if they have to do like a five point turn because Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And then like some of them are drinking I'm like you're risking a DUI because my comedy is that bad to you just want out. Yeah, you're willing to lose it all. Have you been doing today? In my defense? Yeah. Tell you about this comedy show. I just came from Yeah. No, so bad officer. No, we got to use a guard. I just pull up my YouTube Do you have any left? Wrap up the second forest mental three children once was your favorite bedtime ritual. There's a couple books that I do genuinely enjoy reading with our kids. Mo Willems has this whole thing about like this character, the pigeon. It's super funny. And the day to crayons quit like there's some jokes. There are some books and as like these are genuinely very funny. Entertaining books. So I would say my favorite bedtime ritual is reading certain books that are Yeah, they they they get me there. They're they're good laughter and sometimes they got like a lot of heart to them to get some kids books are really good. You know, you never see adults reading kids book like at the beach. You know, you're walking by you see somebody in their chair and you're like, I think that person's reading Hungry, Hungry caterpillars, but you could actually I might have some respect for the person that's pulls out like The Giving Tree. Goodnight, moon right at the at the Yeah, you're really going through something right now, aren't you? Right? Like, you're really happy that you're going through some stuff. If I saw an adult by themselves reading a child's book, I would probably call him authority if some of you guys are taking this in a sentimental direction. It's still pretty messed up. Yeah, I just don't see any good coming from that, at least publicly. Privately is one thing. Public. What are we doing here? All right, that's gonna do it for this segment here of the podcast. We'll be back with more of our guests with Dustin Nickerson. I will never Scott No, not do that. Don't go well either. Not ever not interested. Yeah. I would love to go skydiving for the experience. But I think the first time you have to go you have to go tandem. And I really do not want to be that close to someone on my back because I'm having that experience. Whoa, why thank you see, it's not the skydiving This scares you. It's the personal contact. Yes, it's a little close. I want them out of my personal space. Wow. Okay. interesting so it's not it's not the jumping out of the airplane or the plummeting to earth. It is the contact with a human being no especially on my back. I'd like if they were like if we were next to each other or something where we could just turn to the side and make eye contact would be one thing but but on my back where I can't see what they're doing, and I feel like they're mocking me the whole time and my flailing and screaming, I would actually have my bet, lightly loose. So I could bend around during the course of the skydiving to where we're now belly to belly. But that's not creepy at daddy creepy. I got to get a good story out of it. Okay, but the belly to belly thing. You're okay with that? So I don't know if they wouldn't let you do that. But if they did, I do think that would be kind of epic. You'd be like, you look me in the eyes. You look me in the eyes. You're making eye contact. And you're doing like, Why are you staring my eyes because I'm trying to figure out if we're gonna smash into the ground. I'm reading your eyes. Oh, God, girl. Let's go back to the guest. All right, we are back a brand new segment. This is the vodcast Jamie, Jamie and Adam and our guest Dustin Nickerson Dustin, this is the segment where we talk about you. Great. What do you have going on right now? You know, I'm doing the usual thing where I I spin my wheels constantly. work all the time. hoping to find some value and affirmation in my work. Sure. Sure. Makes sense. Ah, you know, I've got a lot of stuff we're gonna we gotta you know, I'm always too worried. Yeah, posting clips and you know, stuff to all the various so whenever social Iran I'm there, podcast. Don't make me come back there. It comes out every Wednesday. In a book that's coming out in June. Got lots of stuff. Talk about the podcast briefly. Mm hmm. How do you find the process of podcasting? Hmm. Well, our podcast changed during the pandemic, originally what I mean, it still remains what it what it promises to be, which is it's a funny podcast about family, but for whatever it was, or for its first couple of years, it was, you know, interviewing comedians, and authors and musicians to me, you know, in to hear about their family experiences. During the pandemic, it's just so hard to get guests. And my touring stopped. And we shifted to a being me and my wife. And I like that, because it is like a totally different side of me. There's, you know, comedy and the stand up, and there's the jokes and social media and all that kind of stuff. But you know, you talk to your significant other in a different way, entirely. And so I we lay out, I love doing it the way that we do now. Alright, we will be back with more of the podcast and our guests Dustin Nickerson right after this did you ever find that your kids when they were little they memorize the children's books that you would read repeatedly? And you were convinced that you had the brightest child on the planet? Because they were actually reading at such a young age? I did not. But I had little narcs who would know when I skipped a page? Yeah, those people would do that. They'd be like, Dad, you skipped a beat. They didn't go by the firehouse. Yeah, they did that. Yeah. Did you miss the part about where they drive to the firehouse? Yeah, you know who's almost impossible to gaslight toddlers. Oh, yeah. Hey, Daddy's tired. And we're gonna go on pages only. Yeah, that doesn't work. I never thought of that. I never thought of not only approach mostly because they didn't know how to count. They didn't understand the concept of odd numbers. But and also, I'm pretty sure the themes don't carry very well on only odd pages. So the caterpillar crammed into the tree. And then the butterfly found the flower. Like what just happened? Yeah. Let's go back to the guest. I'm excited about a remaining lightning round for this episode of the podcast, because I've been enjoying our conversation with our guests. Comedian Dustin Nickerson. Yeah, I'm excited about what this lightning round my brain. So Dustin, we'll present the question to you again, would you like to go clockwise or counter clockwise? We'll switch it up. We'll do counterclockwise. All right, counterclockwise, starting with Adam. All right, Dustin, we have to get the most cash possible in a robbery with the least amount of security. How do where do we go? It's gotta be like a grocery store. Right? Lots of registers, maybe one security guard if that. You know you gotta go fast because you know, you gotta go from multiple grocery stores. But there's going to be a safe there to help but it's not like a bank. I'd say a grocery store. I like grocery store a lot. I think there'll be more cash than the convenience store. Not as your as a bank better than a store in a store. There will be there'll be the safe, but we'll have to we can get that safe open and they'll be and I think people go in there to cash their checks all the time. Yeah. All right. So one of the rules we have is never disagree with the guest. I'm not sure that's been a rule we've done very well with I think one of the correct answers is pop up card. have all those carnivals that are just in a random parking lot? Yeah, I think you have those in the north in the Northwest there they are. Oh yeah those are everywhere. Yes. Kearney carnies are every one it's a carny there they themselves are hiding some secrets, right? Yeah, lots of cash three, he's there. Where's the cash at that sites cash into it's it's all cash and tickets. There's no admission to get in. Those are free. So that's not that much. I mean, gonna be way less cash than a grocery store right now. I assume there was cash. We'll see. The the problem with the carny is to is that I gotta hit so many locations to get the cash right take it back. I thought it was a main entrance where they were buying tickets to go rides. And I was going to where you bought tickets. Oh, I see. More like a fair. I'm doing cash grab at the pop up but you have to keep in mind carnies in themselves are kind of a form of security. Yeah, and there's a really no you get caught at the grocery store. You may go just go to jail bond out you're fine. You get caught by the carnies. Yeah, they may take you on the road. Oh, someone's gonna be wearing your skin in the morning that someone's paying cash to see Carney worst case I thought is split the money. No, I think Carney law kicks in and they Carney lost the money. Yeah, Carney law is not turning you in is we we take your Carney feel like a word we're not supposed to say anymore. Alright, so that's it. Yeah. So you have a Patreon and Patreon patreon account that that you set up for your fans that very unique top tier, in which if you're at the top tier of your Patreon, you will send them an item from a thrift store. Purchase every month. Every month. Yeah, yep. And so one everybody should go do that because that would be quite entertaining. But to in your thrifting career, what is the best find you've ever made at a thrift store? Yeah, that's so I'm like a prolific drifter. I'm Guy do it all the time. Like in we went through shopping today? I do it constantly couldn't tell you what my all time favorite was. Because there's just too many. It would be like asking Jordan which his favorite basket was when they see you come into the store? Do they run and try to lock the door close the blinds turn the light? No, they know like, alright, this guy's this guy's for real here. I sometimes I have to space it out. Because I'm like, You guys haven't got enough new inventory for me here. They do recognize me when I come in, which is nice. You know? Everybody knows your name kind of thing. That's my cheers. That's gonna say goodwill is my cheers. All right, Dustin. What is parenting moment you would like to have back? Oh, man, huh? So are you our youngest child just got into therapy cuz she had some like, she had some like anxiety and some some anxious tics and stuff like that. And we've had this moment where like, oh, man, like, took us three kids to put one in therapy. We probably should have gotten to this earlier. It's almost which we've got to add Paul, those first six, seven years of the older because like having to wait until your third kid to put them in therapy. It's like, it's like waiting to your 40s to like start eating healthy or something like that. Yeah. All right. Who do you think if you were going to get into a fight with a sitcom and he's fighting with you? Like he's on the east fighting on your side? A sitcom character? Which character do you take? I would take Robert from Everybody Loves Raymond, the brother Brad Garrett. Gary call at all? Yeah, he's a cop. Yeah. Right. Cop. physically intimidating. Yeah. Probably armed. He's gonna be armed. He's gonna know how to fight. He's got the big voice. Wow, you just fired that was probably the best pick possible and you just fire it off in the top? Well, actually, I would say that Raven, mother raise Mother. Mother Mother would be the best one there. But Jamie, your question? Alright. So you're at a barbecue joint in Escondido, California. Okay. And a group of armed toddlers approach you and demand quarters for the claw machine. Problem is you only have one quarter and there's five arm toddlers. All right. They tell you if you win them a prize, they'll spare your life. What's your winning technique on the claw machine? You you you aim for the tag, right? You try and get whatever tag is exposed. You're not trying to you're not trying to hook the animal or like grab the animal. You're trying to get one of those little hooks, you know, to attach a grip to grab one of those tags. You know, that's that's your best hope. I think it's such a funny example that barbecue. I don't I don't know if you pulled that from somewhere. But I've told that story before. My very first paid gig was at a barbecue joint in Escondido. It was called Mike's barbecue. I got paid $20 In a beer and I was like I've made it. I've made it and more important the $20 with the beer. The beer because normally you had to pay Hey for that the you know, that was like usually those early years you lose money, every gig that you do between gas and grab a drink or food or whatever while you're there and, you know, so it was a, you know, plus beers really good and San Diego were big beer town. Alright, who wins in a fight between Mike Tyson versus all of BTS? Mike Tyson? Yeah, Mike Tyson versus any band in history is Mike Tyson. Ooh, that's an interesting one. Except that what if he does something to BTS? Their fans are coming after him. And yeah, that's why I'm clarifying that that's not about BTS. That's about I mean, it could be Led Zeppelin. It could be the roots. It could be, you know, it could be BTS, it could be Backstreet Boys. It could be well, maybe there's, there's a number I was gonna say like Chicago when they had the whole brass section, the roots might be too many because that's like 10 to 12 Guys, right like that. You know, but if you had like four routes, or routes, I think that we underestimate how debilitating a single punch for Mike Tyson would be no matter where it landed on your body. Right? I think especially we're talking prime Mike Tyson. Alright, so what is one type of animal that most people like but you just can't stand and you'd be fine if they went extinct. I don't have full on extinct. That seems so harsh. I don't have any ill will towards any animal. Right? So not fully extinct. There's a few I can I give a hot take that people aren't gonna this is people aren't gonna like, you know, you know what, uh, you know what I'm not crazy about I'm not crazy about dogs. I don't hate them. I don't love them. I feel the way towards dogs that most people feel towards cats. I go, there's a dog. Now. Do I have some dog dog related trauma? Yes, I do. Things go. Okay, nonetheless, that is still that is still I just go Alright, there's a dog. Okay, I had a thought today. And I know this is a this again, it was a thought that was in my brain today. And I was thinking how hard it must be to be a dog in to be unable to communicate using words like you spend your whole life being effectively mute. This is your first time having this this is you've thought it was today. It struck me I never considered to me to be like, my dogs like literally have spent their whole lives living together and can't talk to each other. Well, the dogs, how do we know the dogs can't talk to each other? Because they don't? Oh, I think they do. Yeah, no, they communicate in a different manner. They definitely communicate. Yeah, they just don't. I mean, you're saying they don't use words to each other saying how incomplete your expressions are. Yeah, dogs. I mean, that applies to literally every picture. I know. All right. Yeah, far in my assessment, but I was thinking today as I was putting, getting feeding the dogs that I was like, that's never talked to each other. That's gonna be so weird. They just wait till you leave the room. Yeah, exactly. We've all seen Secret Life of Pets. Again, like Alright, here's my last question. I've got a final question that I would like to ask. You have the opportunity to meet and have a great buddy weekend with one celebrity dog. Who do you choose? Celebrity dog? Yeah. Oh, I don't even know any. You know, I probably err but because we can play sports. Does that count? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll go there. But all right. Well, this has been an entertaining episode. We appreciate you being here with us. Adams questions probably needs some more work going into these things. Yeah. Well, yeah. Thanks for having me, guys. It's fun. Yeah, it's funny on social media. I'm at Dustin Nickerson everywhere. That's a except tick tock at Dustin Nickerson comedy but wherever you are on the internet. I am to Awesome. Well, we appreciate it and continued success with personal and professional things. Thanks, guys. Thanks, Jessica. Go. Hey, Jamie, Jamie and Adam. That'll do it for this episode of the podcast. Fires getting low. This episode of the podcast is over the gold now. Back door you another podcast

(Cont.) Dustin Nickerson