Londoner faints after seeing what northern renters get for their money

A MAN from London fainted after discovering how much northerners pay in rent each month.

Zone 1 inhabitant Martin Bishop was left confused after his friend Tom Booker from Nottingham described his bedsit as ‘cosy, but probably cheap, right?’.

Bishop said: “I was flummoxed. All of my London mates were fascinated that I’d found a room with nearly enough space for a small double mattress for just under a grand a month.”

Booker then told Bishop that for the same price he could easily afford a three bedroom semi-detached house if he ventured north of Peterborough.

Booker added: “As I swiped through a Rightmove gallery I could see the colour start to drain from his face. Then when he saw the size of the garden he gave a brief, high pitched moan and his legs started to give way.

“I’ve seen this happen before with lots of mates who live in London so I took the necessary precautions to cushion his fall. But it’s physically impossible to lie flat in his shoebox so he did bump his head on a wall.”

Britain's f*cked-up weather explained

WE only have ourselves to blame for the current awful weather, it has emerged.

Experts believe powerful currents of negative energy, known as the ‘crud stream’, are responsible for the high winds and soul-destroying rain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “The ‘crud stream’ is the collective psychic resonance of all the sh*t things currently overwhelming the UK.

“Every time someone does something bad-minded, for example clicking on a picture of a Love Island cast member’s breasts on Mail Online, it creates an amount of evil ‘crud energy’, a mysterious invisible element which is lighter than air and smells faintly of chestnuts.

“Other causes of ‘crud energy’ include the phrase ‘wow factor’, punching people in kebab shops for no reason and watching television programmes where overweight people get cameras put in their fridge.

“The bad vibes waft into the sky, becoming the aforementioned ‘crud stream’, then form gusts of wind and evil black clouds that p*ss down on us. It’s all quite like the premise of the film Ghostbusters 2.

“Measures for reducing the crud stream include closing ITV2 and the Daily Mail and being less aggressive all the time. For example, Spanish people tend not to hit each other with broken chairs on a Friday night, and hence their weather’s lovely.”