Your idea of the perfect wedding sucks

We've been to one big fat Indian wedding too many and it's time we acquainted you with a universal truth
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Hi! It's been forever since I saw you. I just wanted to tell you that XYZ and I have decided to tie the knot!!! You have to be there!! Can't wait!!!" I sighed. By the time this, my 15th wedding invite of this year alone, arrives, no amount of exclamation marks can get me excited. I'm exhausted - I've mapped the four corners of this country to attend nuptial after soppy nuptial, sincerely participating in the grand celebration of someone's sudden, desperate decision to cohabit. And I can't hold my peace any more.


In 2014, two decades after the Barjatyas inseminated the idea that a wedding must look and feel like Holi, Diwali, Eid and Christmas all together, brides and grooms are escalating the offensive. Beginning with the invitation: If you aren't classing things up by sending Emoji-studded invites on WhatsApp, you ply us with goodies. Chocolates are always appreciated, but don't you think you're going a bit too far when you send out velvet boxes with gold-sequinned bow-ties and monocles and notes saying those are compulsory to wear at your bachelorette? Not everyone's interested in looking ridiculous on your momentous occasion. How about one of those mini-bottles of whisky to get me in the mood for your sangeet instead?


But, fair warning, no amount of your best Scotch will keep me smiling if your chachi decides she must publicly shame me for being nearly 30 and nowhere close to being married. If I hear the words "there's a time and place for everything, beta, why don't you find yourself a nice boy?" one more time, she might find some poisoned crow pie on her plate. If you don't want a bad re-enactment of Purple Wedding, get a restraining order (for her). Or three - if you're counting the cousins gyrating inappropriately to Yo Yo Honey Singh on a makeshift dance floor patched up with duct tape. Which is almost as bad as the choreographed dance routines they present on your engagement night.

Now, I know you think the revolving stage, the elephants or whatever other grand imagery your wedding planner's cooked up is, well, grand. It isn't - it's a spectacle embarrassing enough to make Lady Gaga blush. Take a leaf out of Neil Patrick Harris' book. Remember those delightful 'grams of him holding hands with David Burtka in Italy? That's how you steal the thunder right from under George Clooney's feet.

