Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Old Star Trek: Enterprise - Season 3 Predictions

Star Trek: Enterprise was sort of a polarizing series in its initial outing. Although the prospect of a series taking place prior to established Trek lore was somewhat interesting, the series never really took advantage of it. Despite some decent episodes, the majority of the first two seasons was relegated to the first Starship Enterprise visiting the planet of the week as if it were any ol' Star Trek show, but now had more contemporary language and naughty words. It certainly didn't help that the show not only added a needlessly and confusing Temporal Cold War gimmick to "futurize" the 22nd century or make the Vulcans come off as total dicks, but also introduced Ferengi and Borg into the mix long before they had any business in showing up.

Things started to pick up in the third season with the Xindi arc, but it seemed like the show's best material happened in its fourth and final season, when it was starting to build on the premise it was founded on. It was too little, too late, however, as Star Trek: Enterprise was eventually cancelled due to dwindling ratings, bringing an end to an era of Star Trek that had been around since the premiere of the first episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation in 1987.

The following list was written sometime in 2003 (?), possibly following the airing of the Season 2 finale, The Expanse, which was the launching point of Enterprise's new season-long story-arc. It served as something of a joke predictions of what crazy stuff might show up on the show and how much continuity will get raped this time around. Fortunately, none of this came to pass (well, except for one episode where Trip did get to captain Enterprise in an alternate timeline) and season 3 turned out better than expected.

I don't recall if this had ever been posted, but if not, here it is again for the first time.


We've seen the Ferengi show up. We've seen the Borg show up. Let's see what crazy stuff awaits us in this supposed Trek prequel series...

Episode 1
Through clever inventiveness and other forms of technobabble, Enterprise is now able to attain a max speed of warp 6. Trip goes back to his usual cheerful self, as if there hadn't been a horrible tragedy that took the life of his little sister.

Episode 2
Enterprise develops Quantum Torpedoes (but calls them Qua-Tom-Ic Torpedoes!). Nothing of note happens beyond that.

Episode 3
Thanks to an exchange of technology, Enterprise now has a proper shield system. The aliens (who may or may not resemble the dim-witted Pakleds that once tried to kidnap LaForge and failed miserably) attempt to kidnap Hoshi, but she easily escapes.

Episode 4
For one episode, Captain Archer is played by Kate Mulgrew rather than Scott Bakula. Mulgrew as Archer than decides to change his/her name to Kathryn Janeway. Archer/Janeway develops strange habits, including bringing up a Prime Directive that doesn't exist, and continually referring to T'Pol as "Tuvok" or Reed as "Harry Kim."

Episode 5
Scott Bakula reprises his role as the captain, who changes his name back to Jonathan Archer. The events of the previous episode are never mentioned again.

Episode 6
Through clever inventiveness and other forms of technobabble, Enterprise is now able to attain a max speed of warp 7. Unfortunately, due to unexplained circumstances, Enterprise is now stuck in the Delta Quadrant.

Episode 7
 Enterprise somehow returns to the Expanse. How this takes place is unexplained. Meanwhile, Wesley Crusher gets a guest appearance and saves the ship. He sticks around as a supporting crew member while Trekkies cry foul.

Episode 8
Enterprise encounters a Cardassian ship and meets up with Gul Garak, played by Andrew Robinson. For some reason, Cardassians are constantly referred to as Denobulians, despite the insistence of both Garak and Dr. Phlox that both are completely different species.

Episode 9
Enterprise encounters the Xindi superweapon and destroys it by launching a proton torpedo into an exhaust port that's only two meters wide. Playing the role of the Millennium Falcon is an unexplained cameo appearance by the U.S.S. Enterprise NCC-1701-E and for some reason, Captain Picard is now played by Harrison Ford (accomplished via splicing footage from Star Wars, which sends Trekkies into a fit and Lucasfilm lawyers into a rage).

Episode 10
Through clever inventiveness and other forms of technobabble, Enterprise is now able to attain a max speed of warp 8. Unfortunately, due to unexplained circumstances, Enterprise is now stuck in the Gamma Quadrant, where they encounter a Dominion task force comprising 1,000 Jem Hadar battlecruisers twenty times the size of Enterprise.

Episode 11
Enterprise somehow destroys the entire Dominion fleet and returns to Earth before episode's end. There is a corny subplot where Captain Archer grows a beard before Chef William Riker (played by Jonathan Frakes) subsequently shaves it off, declaring that only HE can have a beard.

Episode 12
Thanks to a timely refit, Enterprise gains a second transporter room, which immediately transports Captain Archer, Hoshi, and Phlox into an alternate mirror universe where everyone has "evil goatees" (and yes, this includes the women)... and act pretty much the same way they do in the regular universe. Despite the hype brought on by the most elaborate ad campaign to promote this episode, the episode is a disappointment in the ratings.

Episode 13
Enterprise gains a holodeck, which resembles a green room. Archer uses the holodeck to summon up a stock image of William Shatner. All of this takes place before the opening titles. After the first commercial break, the closing credits air and the rest of the time slot is filled with infomercials.

Episode 14
T'Pol is replaced with Mr. Spock. Unfortunately, producers couldn't afford Leonard Nimoy, so they got some fan in Vulcan make up to play the role and pretend he's Spock.

Episode 15
Archer shaves his head and reveals he's actually German... and yet by the end of the episode, Archer has a full head of hair and doesn't recall any of the events taking place in the past 45 minutes.

Episode 16
Enterprise gains an Emergency Medical Hologram who calls himself "The Doctor" and is played by Paul McGann. Trekkies around the world facepalm in embarrassment when Enterprise is taken over by another Emergency Medical Hologram who calls himself "The Master" and is played by Eric Roberts.

Episode 17
Through clever inventiveness and other forms of technobabble, Enterprise is now able to attain a maximum speed of warp factor 50. Unfortunately, due to unexplained circumstances, Enterprise ended up in a galaxy far, far away and participated in the Battle Of Endor.

Episode 18
Enterprise encounters Q for the first time, who introduces them to the Borg... again. Due to scheduling conflicts, Q is played not by John De Lancie, but rather by Jonathan Frakes, who just so happened to be in the studio that day (and directing his only Enterprise episode). Trekkies are then theorizing about how Commander Riker could possibly become a Q wearing his old TNG spacesuit when last we saw, he was captaining the U.S.S. Titan.

Episode 19
Enterprise blows up the Borg with advanced weaponry that is neither explained or acknowledged. Q (now played by Rick Berman in his only acting role on Star Trek) brings them back to the Alpha Quadrant and wipes their memory clean; as far as Enterprise is concerned, the past two episodes worth of events never happened. Trekkies wished that Q would've wiped their minds so they could pretend those episodes didn't happen either.

Episode 20
Not having forgotten about the bounty on Archer, the Klingon Empire sends another Klingon ship to pursue the renegade Starfleet captain. The ship is commanded by Captain Worf, son of Mogh... and yes, he is played by Michael Dorn. Trekkies cry foul at the absurdity of Lt. Commander Worf's entire family line comprising warriors named either Worf, son of Mogh or Mogh, son of Worf.

Episode 21
The Genesis device is invented and tested onto a planetoid where it becomes a living, breathing planet. Meanwhile, Enterprise encounters an old spaceship called the Botany Bay.

Episode 22
Khan Noonien Singh is freed from his slumber and immediately swears vengeance on Captain Archer for stranding him on Fantasy Island. Archer has no clue what he's talking about. Khan is played by Brent Spiner, who, for reasons that are neither explained nor acknowledged, constantly refers to himself as Khan Noonien Soong.

Episode 23
Captain Archer becomes trapped in a temporal nexus, for reasons that are neither... well, you know. Commander Tucker is subsequently promoted to Captain and given command of Enterprise.

Episode 24
Enterprise hurled (literally) to another galaxy - and ends up killing all the whales in the process. Trekkies oddly enough approve of this particular plot point, as it explains how, in the 23rd century, whales have become non-existent. In other news, Captain Archer is now in command again... all hopes of maintaining continuity is lost by this point.

Episode 25
Enterprise stumbles across a temporal rift in space where they encounter a future version of the Starship Enterprise (1701-F) commanded by Captain Louis M. Albano (played by Bob Hoskins). Enterprise returns to its proper place in time, only to learn from Admiral Forrest that Earth has been attacked... again.

Episode 26
At some point, the producers eventually realized that "Oh shit! We need to include Romulans!" And thus, the final episode of Enterprise features war being declared between Earth and the Romulan Star Empire. The final shot of the show shows a meager fleet of Earth vessels (comprising Enterprise, three unnamed NX-class starships, and a number of reskinned Oberth-class science vessels that threw Trekkies into a fit of rage over the blatant continuity snafu) on a head-on course towards a massive Romulan battleforce which comprises hundred of Romulan Warbirds (yes, the same ones as in TNG and DS9) and precisely ONE Romulan Bird Of Prey. The episode ends in a cliffhanger that has Trekkies hopeful that, despite the missteps of Season 3, Season 4 might actually turn out good.

Unfortunately, the cliffhanger event is never resolved, as Enterprise is subsequently cancelled due to dwindling ratings and audience complaints. UPN eventually replaces the show with a repeat airing of WWE Smackdown and the network eventually collapses into obscurity. Star Trek itself ended up on the backburner before eventually being revived in 2007 as a successful reboot film franchise helmed by infamous film director Uwe Boll.

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