Angels: Not just winged hippies in nightshirts

Phillyburbs Holidays
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We've looked at the function of angels, but not at form so far. Who are these winged hippies in nightshirts, and what are they capable of?

Apparently, they're capable of quite a bit.

As far as anyone can tell, the true nature of angels, when they're up in heaven on a coffee break, is not "life as we know it." They're not really fleshy - more like spirit-y. It's a useful form; gets you hither and thither quickly, foils locked doors and alarm systems, and can impress the bejeezis out of the natives. "Wooooo!!! I am an Aiiiiiin-gellllll! Wooooo!"

In this state, they can appear to be any size they choose to; from a non-threatening humanesque to a fear inducing 50-foot blue flaming monolith. Moses got to see one in the form of blazing shrubbery.

Some drunken philosophers argued about how many could form a conga line on the head of a pin. They did this to avoid meaningful work, and to impress the ladies with how smart they were.

It didn't work for them any better than it does for me, I reckon.

Although they are basically non-corporeal by nature, they've been known to inhabit corporeal shells on occasion, to better serve their purpose when necessary. Where they pick up the corpus, or if they're simply encased in meat and beamed down, nobody can say; but once they're fitted out, they're pretty much functional and good to go.

They can talk, they can walk, they can chow down for a meal; all things considered, they do pretty well making the meat move around for not being born to it. They see out the eyeballs and hear through the earholes, and presumably smell out the noseholes. Theoretically, when driving a corpse, they have to eat to provide the thing with some fuel, and the Bible confirms that they're good for a nosh now and again. What goes in has to come out eventually, so it's a good bet that the digestive system runs full from stem-to stern.

According to a rather juicy bit in Genesis 6, angels encased in meat are not only equipped, but locked and loaded when it comes to makin' whoopie. A bunch of them took shore leave a couple thousand years ago, got some native girls in trouble, and sired titans, giants and other supercharged "little ones."

It is said that angels only appear as men, and that the Bible only suggests, in a debatable passage, that there may have been a female angel once. We'll call her "Smurfette." In her defense, one has to remember back when the Bible was written, women had about as much social value as cows. Possibly a little less. If an angel's going to deal with a bunch of pre-Columbian chauvinist pigs, it's not likely that checking out a pair of mammaries from stock is going to help his authority. Don't take it personally, ladies - there are probably scads of 'em around nowadays - ever since Maggie Thatcher.

Now, here comes some fun. Not all angels are angels, apparently. The devil and demons have been known to disguise themselves as angels, the virgin Mary and even Christ just to play with your head. You'd think there'd be a law, but no. So the next time an angel comes wafting over to tell you to spray paint "Free Manson" across the front of city hall, think twice.

I know I won't be fooled again...

Ok, you now know everything that is officially known about angels. Of course, knowing has never stopped people from deciding that they know more, so just for giggles, let's take a look at what un-official sources say they know.

Some guy who goes by the pompous name of "The Mage" once declared:

"All Angels, from the Highest to the Lowest posses an Angelic Seal and Number. There is also any number of plants, herbs, stones, colors, tones, animals, and powers that are particular to each."

That's so when they roust suspects and perps they can flip 'em the badge and prove they are duly deputized agents of the Almighty. The number is so you can report 'em if they commit angelic brutality.

Some gomer says that there is a secret "Angel Call" that summons Archangels. Any one you want, right up to the top. Quoting:

The angelic call was most unique and simple but I doubted it. The Angelic call can be used only to summon the Arch Angels right up to the highest ... Metatron.

Later, I had another vision. That transported me to a realm of angels, which I found very confusing. I used the angelic call to summon Gabriel. As I called (three times) he appeared behind me, I wasn't startled as he taught me something esoteric. Gabriel had a long gentle face and small eyes. His beard was sparse and there was a certain peacefulness when you listen to him speak.

I was surprised, awed and was a lost for wards, I used the call again to summon Sandalphon. He was busy on earth I was told by him...

Since then I imparted the knowledge of the angelic call to my friend, a pagan and sorcerer, who used it to summon help when he was being attacked by evil spirits.

He summoned Gabriel and he appeared. My friend has the gift of second sight, so he sees things better than I do. I can only feel and sense the impressions with my eyes."

Now you know what Tarzan was yelling all those times.

Finally, sometimes Jesus and angels just want to - you know - hang out.

"Recently I was doing a remote viewing session with several members of my class. We had visited several places in the Universe and were returning back to our reality. As those of you who follow my adventures know, I have a portal in my home.

We came back through the portal and as we did we felt wings coming through. One woman remarked that birds had entered the portal. I looked and sure enough . . .five angels had come through followed by Jesus. This is only the third time he has come specifically to visit me. There is no way to explain the emotions we all had. (And I am not religious...this is a powerful energy).

He blessed each of us and gave us personal messages.

After he left the angels stayed on for several days. In that time I healed many people. They are always welcome here!"

So - one of the things about angels is they just go crazy for good home cooking and crackpots. Seems to me somebody really ought to buy a couple more cats and a tatty robe to shuffle round in, just to get in practice.

There's plenty more out there, if you want to amuse yourself. As far as I can tell, your best bet is to leave the angels to their own business. To paraphrase Tolkien, "Do not meddle in the affairs of Wizards and Angels, for they are subtle and quick to anger."

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