Musings in the Dark: An Ode to Cheese...(3/5)


An Ode to Cheese...(3/5)

This entry deals with the third greatest film of all time:  Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus, starring Jaleel White (b.k.a Steve Urkel).  This wonderful little chunk of cheddar brings back the megalodon from Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus.  Apparently, the megalodon didn’t die along with the cephalopod and returns in this sequel of sorts with a vengeance.

A 1500-ft crocodile shows up in Africa for reasons unknown, interrupting a blood diamond mining operation.  Said croc is captured by a "great white hunter" named Nigel Putnam in one of the most ridiculously funny sequences ever conceptualized.  There’s no way in this galaxy that a croc that large would respond to any tranquilizer of any sort that damn quick.  How Mr. Putnam manages to smuggle the crocodile out of Africa on a cargo ship is conveniently glossed over by a well-placed commercial. 

Terry McCormick (Jaleel White) is a naval officer and shark specialist.  He invented some hydrosonic spheres designed to attract sharks (for what reason, only God knows).  While testing his equipment, he unknowingly attracts the megalodon, who promptly destroys the warship.  The croc and the shark meet up when the shark attacks the cargo ship.  The shark likes to snack on the croc’s eggs and the croc is understandably not having any of that shit.  The remainder of the movie revolves around McCormick and Putnam and a female government agent named Hutchinson trying to destroy the croc and the shark.  Hutchinson is supposed to be tough and smart, but she comes off as a domineering ballbuster instead.  She’s annoying.

Highlights of this marvelous little film:

Jaleel White’s obvious overacting.  The scene where he’s grieving while being interrogated is side-splitting and fart-inducing.  *bangs fist on table*  “I need the data!”

A stereotypical dumb blonde walking in the "jungles of Africa" in stilettos and a pencil skirt...who "has to meet with rebel leaders in two hours."  She doesn't make said meeting.

The megalodon’s supergiant dorsal fin and the fact that it roars.  A roaring shark.   Really? 

The annihilation of the Panama Canal by the megalodon and the crocodile and the apparent fact that Panamanians were okay with it.

The crocodile destroying the American Airlines Arena where the Miami Heat play.  Joker just stepped on the building.  He also ate Shamu while vising Orlando.  One logically assumes that Orlando and Miami are right down the street from each other.

The shark swallows a nuclear submarine whole.

Putnam does a cartwheel in the sand while shooting a baby croc.

See this cheesy goodness for yourself:

I swear, this fantastic little movie should have gotten nominated for at least a Golden Globe.  It is simply ridiculous that it has been overlooked by the Academy.  3.5 gleeful stars.

**UPDATE!!**  Word on the street is that there will be a third film featuring the megalodon.  Said flick is entitled "Mega Shark vs. Mecha Shark."  *cries tears of joy* There is a God.


  1. I wonder ... do the filmmakers of films like this see the same thing we're seeing?

  2. The Asylum (the aptly named production house) churns these bad boys out about once every three months. They've made a fortune off these D-grade flix from 'heads like me who adore craptastic movies.

    What makes them enjoyable is the fact that most of the actors know they're making a shit movie and play it accordingly. If you're handed a script that says "Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus," you have got to know what you're getting into.

    I'm just wondering how much deliberate bullshit they shoehorn into these movies just for shits and giggles.

  3. Isn't this type of cheese absolutely wonderful?!? Just the thing for a rainy afternoon...after the football season when nothing else but SyFy will do.

  4. Reggie, I couldn't say it better myself!!!!

