Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Have You Ever Wondered if the Ped Egg Really Works? ... and The Danger of Rhetorical Questions

Random Musings of the #1 Crazy...

Infomercial Results vs. Costly Results

I have about an inch of dead skin on my feet, and so I have longed for a solution. Enter: the Ped Egg.

Oh Ped-Egg; you had me at "Pile of dead skin gets trapped inside the egg!"

Survey Says: Success! After about an hour of sitting on my front lawn scraping my feet (despite it's claim that it traps the shavings, um... it doesn't) the soles are really quite stunning.

The neighbors, however, are slightly grossed out.

Teeth Whitening:
Remember my track record with trying to whiten my teeth? Well, yesterday, I decided to go with the "UV, X-Ray Solar Beams of Hades teeth whitening thingee" that uses the lights. It sorta looks like this:

They're guaranteed to be whiter after two sessions. After four 10 minute sessions, the assistant looked at my teeth and said a very reassuring, "Um... How about you come here tomorrow for a free fifth session?"

It's okay, though, because instead of white teeth, I now have a searing pain that feels like my actual teeth have been injected with acid, and are slowly disintegrating from the inside out. Seriously, it's like my teeth have developed an allergy to air or something.

Sam asked me a question last night, and I would have yelled at him for tempting me to expose my teeth to air, but I didn't dare open my mouth. So I used my eyebrows to send him a morse code message: "The next time you desire conversation with me, please feel free to pull all of my teeth out and use them to bite your own arm."

What's the use of whitening teeth if you don't have the strength to smile? And just what is that UV light composed of? A hydrogen bomb? Laser beams from the evil planet Zylork?

I have my fifth session this morning, where I plan on sucking the bleaching gel into the back of my throat, and then hocking a logie in the chick's eye.

On my new favorite show Bones, there was a bomb comprised of incisors. Where does one donate to such a bomb?

I was going to tell you more about the Writer's Retreat, but it looks like I have no time. I'll save it for Friday.

Happy Wednesday, y'all.


  1. No thanks to the teeth whitening...I like the nice yellow shade of coloring on my teeth.

    Don't worry about the dead skin on the lawn, it will provide good nutrients to the soil...I have a feeling that we will have a small little area of grass growing liking bonkers...or possible some human form will grow out of the skin droppings. I am convince one of the two will happen.

  2. I love Bones. David Boreanaz is yummy. Plus, I love funny smart people. It makes me feel intelligent when I understand their jokes.

    I'm glad you shared your personal testimonial of the pedi egg. I've always wondered how well it worked, but the thought of using a glorified cheese grater on my feet gives me the jibblies...and also a reduced desire for grated cheese. Of course, now that I know it works, I might forgo grated cheese for the sake of my vanity. Cheese always goes straight to my hips anyway.

  3. I think the foot thing is about the grosses thing you've ever posted...and coming from you, that's impressive :)

    Why bother whitening your teeth when that Diet Coke is just going to sewer them up again? Hee, hee. You must be trying to get the tabacy stains off!

  4. I like the white strips personally. It's like my own personal war over my teeth against coffee. =)

    The pediegg always looked interesting. Nice to see it actually works, but I tend to like my (what's it called) "foot-stone" thing. Plus, my dog likes to lay underneath me and either lick the flakes or maybe he pretends he is in the snow?

  5. sam- it's all part of the cycle of life.

    Jess- better a cheese grater than a cheese slicer. And yes, agent booth is the man. The cream inmycoffee. The honey in my tea.

    Cam-even grosser than the pus discussion? Do you have an abnormal fear of dead skin? Because I'm sending you the shavings in the mail.

    Una- don't tell cam what you're dog does. She may toss cookies.

  6. Too late for the warning. I just tossed up my lunch.

    Una owes me a Cafe Rio Pork Burrito :)

  7. Ooops, sorry Cam! I would send you one but I don't know where to get one of those. Would you like a McDonald's Cafe?

    ****Cam Please do not Read below if you are eating, drinking or have recently done either of those activities**********

    I would think puss is much worse than dead skin. I mean, come on, dead skin can't hurt you. oozes, like the blob. It could get you....

  8. I think the Ped Egg looks like a great idea (other than the not catching everything part). I might have to order one.

    I agree with bleaching. It turns your teeth into the most sensitive part of your body. That seems like an oxy moron since teeth are hard not soft!

  9. Cam- my blog comes with a disclaimer, although I wouldve fine if una mailed you a cup of coffee.

    Una - I know. Pus is so much worse, just in terms of fluidity alone.

    Jenni- bleaching sucks.

  10. I have a friend who said the ped egg was her new favorite grooming product. Interesting little contraption that is.

    Yah know I think I'd like whiter teeth but I'm too much of a wuss to put myself through that torture.

  11. Debbie- I have a low pain threshold, so I may be exaggerating a bit. But it's seriously like daggers of fire.

  12. Pus can at least be fun to play with...for example, if it is being shot out of a huge zit.

    Dead skin reminds me of me of nasty bunyon's, long yellowed toe nails that curl just so at the end, saggy support pantyhose nestled in staky nurse shoes and unshaven legs and pits all mixed with the smell of moth balls and Ben-Gay.

  13. Ah, man. You just described my surprise Halloween costume.

    Now to shop for another one...

  14. Cam - stop describing my grandmother! Oh and it's not ben-gay, it's the febreeze she uses so she doesn't have to wash or do laundry that often!


  15. Hey Cam- I have some yellow flaky stuff under my toenails. Do you know what it is?

  16. Your teeth already looked white to me--I remember thinking that the first time I met you. Teeth bleaching was on my "How to Be Hot" list. Now I might have to rethink.

  17. I love Bones! I think I've seen every episode in the first 3 seasons (it only takes 3 weeks because they play them so often on TNT).

    On a more random note, I watched "Searching for Bobby Fischer" yesterday and the cranky kid looks JUST LIKE Eric Milligan (aka Zack Addy). But it's not him. I'm still in denial.

  18. Emily- I don't mean to talk you out of the teeth whitening. I just have very random reactions to seemingly simple procedures.

    Ruth- Poor little Zack Addy. Who knew what was behind that innocent face?

  19. I have the ped egg. Redd saw it at Target and said, "Mom, you could use that." And, you look great playing tennis.:) Miss you guys, thinking of you guys and Brandon said this week? I wonder why Sam hasn't called me. I replied in a motherly tone, "Why don't you call him sweetie?"

  20. Sis- That's so weird, because Sam just asked me if you guys were out of town. There seems to be a glitch in the matrix.

  21. The ped egg totally didn't work for me. What's the trick???

  22. Cath- dry feet. Completely dry. As in, not recent shower. And lots of pressure. And a paring knife. Just kidding.

  23. You may mock me...but I love my ped egg! I asked for one for Christmas and my kids obliged.

    I seriously heart it. Now I'm looking for the "refill" blades...any clues where I can find 'em?

    =] Mel

  24. Mel- I totally wasn't kidding- I luurve the ped egg long time. I don't have time for pedicures, and now my feet have never been more presentable. I should be getting paid by the ped egg corporation or something.