tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post2982367131719973852..comments2022-08-10T02:29:20.796-04:00Comments on 1st 5 Pages Writing Workshop: 1st 5 Pages February Workshop - Soares Rev 1Martina Boonehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03358736828122139189noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-69783080284770259812017-02-15T21:26:36.066-05:002017-02-15T21:26:36.066-05:00Hi Maggie, So glad to see you&#39;ve taken the fe...Hi Maggie,<br /><br />So glad to see you&#39;ve taken the feedback from the last round to heart. It really shows! It&#39;s great that you end on a cliffhanger. &quot;Are there any others?&quot; is so ominous and ambiguous. Could be illegitimate kids, could be murder victims. I don&#39;t know, but I definitely want to find out. So well done on that. <br /><br />Also, I think you&#39;re able to get us further into the story because you cut some of the small talk with Carly. That&#39;s great, too. <br /><br />There are a couple of things I think you should be working on for the next round. <br /><br />1) Structurally, these pages are working better because we&#39;re spending less time on stuff like The Show that weren&#39;t critical for the early pages of your novel. But, in cutting out that material, you&#39;ve created a few rough edges. For example, Echo says &quot;I’m saved from further small-talk by the buzz of my phone,&quot; but they hadn&#39;t engaged in small talk now that The Show is no longer the topic of conversation. And this feels a bit jumpy, too: <br /><br />“How’d it go?” He asks once I’m inside. <br />“Do you know what this is?” I ignore his question. He knows that class was my easiest A.&quot;<br /><br />I think you may need to adjust some of the material you kept in from the prior round to flow a little more naturally. <br /><br />2) I feel a little removed from Echo&#39;s emotions in these pages. There are a few places where I want to see her react to events in a way that tells me what&#39;s really going on in her head. For example, When Echo realizes Carly is looking at some scandal involving her dad, it seems like she had a really flat reaction: &quot;If Carly already knows what’s going on, Mary showed real discipline by not pulling me out of my exam.&quot; But wouldn&#39;t that be an &quot;oh, crap!&quot; moment for her? Wouldn&#39;t she have a sense of dread? There are a few other instances in which I kind of expected to Echo to react emotionally to what&#39;s happening, but she just doesn&#39;t. You might want to be on the lookout for those.<br /><br />So overall, you&#39;ve taken a big step forward with this draft. Now it&#39;s time to smooth out those rough edges and create a little more emotional investment in your MC and, by extension, your readers.<br /><br />I&#39;m looking forward to seeing the next round!!!<br /><br />Rob, 1st 5 Pages mentorRob Vlockhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15759972892291594222noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-43739005224609939902017-02-14T18:24:13.096-05:002017-02-14T18:24:13.096-05:00Hi Maggie, I easily noticed the effort you put in...Hi Maggie,<br /><br />I easily noticed the effort you put in to making Echo more real for the reader emotionally. I felt more there with her in the car, feeling how she was feeling as she got closer to her dad’s house. It helps add dimension to your already engaging story.<br /><br />I also love that you were able to get to that “are there any others” line to really get the reader invested in what the secret is. I know I’m dying to know!<br /><br />I noticed this time around that Carly’s first line is a bit ambiguous; I know she’s talking about the exam but it could be misinterpreted as being about the dad’s music, because that’s what is being talked about before the line of dialogue. The mention of Nora also confused me a little, because Echo’s hands shake, which to me feels like anger toward her, but then she wants to text her.<br /> <br />I might like to get just a little bit more about the relationship between Echo and her dad. The mention of putting on a happy family front is revealing, but maybe you could build a little more on what’s going on between the two of them. Maybe mention how long it’s been since she’s seen her dad, if that is significant?<br /><br />Looking forward to reading your pitch!<br /><br />All the best,<br />Beth<br />Beth Turleyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09431235722931024063noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-64454329065854535212017-02-14T15:49:13.769-05:002017-02-14T15:49:13.769-05:00Nice, tight revision. Well done! Love the name Ech...Nice, tight revision. Well done! Love the name Echo. The following are thoughts for fine-tuning.<br />1. I&#39;m still not comfortable with the &quot;This is how I screw it up&quot; line b/c this is in first-person present which means Echo can&#39;t predict something she&#39;s going to screw up in the future. I know the cadence of the line feels very satisfying but it doesn&#39;t serve the story. Maybe a simple tweak (e.g., &quot;I won&#39;t screw it up again&quot;) will let you keep the meter without confusing the reader, tense/context-wise. <br />2. One small detail that pulled me out of the story: the &quot;Jaws&quot; ringtone for dad. I have kids 22, 20 and 16 and that reference would fall flat with them--even though they are aware of the movie. I think Jaws mostly red-flags the writer&#39;s 80s childhood to the agent/editor (who may very well have had a 90s childhood)! :)<br />3. Structurally, you have many one-sentence PPs (#s 1, 3, 5, 7, 10...). When you picture this in a hardcover novel format, imagine how much significance all that white space gives to the set-off lines. Right now, granting a lot of sentences this dramatic significance doesn&#39;t seem like a big deal but, when you&#39;re at 300+ pages, this is going to feel very stylized and will lose dramatic punch. Play with grouping some of sentences into larger PPs, both to break up the staccato of all the short PPs and to give more power and significance to the stand-alones you leave. For examples of choosing the right stand-alone one-sentence paragraphs, look at the opening chapters of David Lubar&#39;s CHARACTER, DRIVEN; DEVOTED by Jennifer Matthieu; and Ruta Sepetys&#39; BETWEEN SHADES OF GRAY.<br />All in all though, great work. Very strong story. Looking forward to what&#39;s next!<br />-StasiaStasiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17415483299971270025noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-76353692321970072202017-02-14T14:04:28.101-05:002017-02-14T14:04:28.101-05:00Maggie! What can I say. Fabulous job on the revis...Maggie!<br /><br />What can I say. Fabulous job on the revision. You&#39;ve really fleshed out Echo&#39;s character, and I feel like I know her well. Great job!<br /><br />There really isn&#39;t much to say, other than what was said above. I&#39;m super anxious to see how she&#39;s about to screw up with the paparazzi, and I&#39;m getting the feeling we&#39;re about to drive right into that.<br /><br />My only comment, and please know it&#39;s completely subjective and could just be my lack of expertise, mirror&#39;s Kelly&#39;s above. I really want to know why this matters so much to Echo. How will her world come crashing down? Or what, or who, does she stand to lose? It seems like that is on deck, though, so could be a matter of turning the page.<br /><br />Really well done! Looking forward to your pitch!<br /><br />A L A L Noellehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07503568376782913162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-71796202170471960692017-02-13T16:23:09.575-05:002017-02-13T16:23:09.575-05:00Hi Maggie, I love this story so much! You pull me...Hi Maggie,<br /><br />I love this story so much! You pull me in with the mystery: what&#39;s going on? We know from celebrity watching that it could be literally anything. The fact that the reporters know, the driver knows, her classmate knows, but she doesn&#39;t yet, really heightens the tension. I know my imagination is going wild. I really, really want to know what&#39;s happening. This is good. <br /><br />I like Jamie&#39;s suggestion about keeping it linear and moving the opener to where it fits. The next line pulls me in, too, so it really can work, if you agree. <br /><br />You really use the scene well, keeping us in her head and giving snippets of action, dialogue, narration, reaction, and backstory. <br /><br />The only thing I don&#39;t know, and I don&#39;t know if it&#39;s even necessary in these pages, (as long as it&#39;s clear coming up soon) is her motivation, meaning: what does she want? How does Echo feel about her situation? What is her heart&#39;s desire, which should propel the plot. Since we don&#39;t know her situation yet, I think it&#39;s fine not to know this yet. Just putting that out there. <br /><br />Thanks for sharing this story. Looking forward to more!<br />KellyK.A. Barsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09859642126518596230noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-12483895673801024752017-02-13T15:55:57.773-05:002017-02-13T15:55:57.773-05:00Hey Maggie, This revision is so much tighter than...Hey Maggie,<br /><br />This revision is so much tighter than the first round! Great job on using more active verbs. I also like that you were able to work in her name and a little description so we have something to visualize. <br /><br />I just realized, you said &quot;paparazzi scrum.&quot; Should that be &quot;scum?&quot; <br /><br />This is just a thought: Someone asked last time how she screws up her &#39;keeping it cool&#39; thing, because you talk about it, then we see her getting the call and pulled into the car, and it feels like there&#39;s a disconnect from that first paragraph to the rest of the pages. But after reading the next bit, I think what&#39;s going to happen is she &quot;screws it up&quot; because she stops to talk to the reporter right? Would it maybe work better if you started the story right when she comes out of the class, and put that awesome first paragraph after this line: &#39;I squeeze my eyes shut behind my sunglasses, swallow my heart, and step into it.&#39; That way we know exactly what she&#39;s thinking as she gets out into the mess, and it might flow a little better. Does that make sense? Of course, this is just one idea, because honestly, the pages are quite good and I don&#39;t have much else to suggest. <br /><br />So excited to read your pitch and any further changes next week! Thanks for letting me read your work:)<br /><br />JamieAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16412193781266974880noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2524815676647026821.post-70888803222412925452017-02-12T18:51:04.917-05:002017-02-12T18:51:04.917-05:00(I just wanted to mention that the word at the end...(I just wanted to mention that the word at the end of the sentence in the fifth paragraph from the bottom is supposed to be &quot;tonight&quot;! I don&#39;t know if it&#39;s just me, but it&#39;s showing up as a blank space on my end)Maggie Soareshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13595645539622481966noreply@blogger.com