How to claw back your self-respect after you've drunk-texted your ex

DID you send your ex a text telling them you still ‘have feelings’ for them while blackout drunk? Here’s how to wriggle out of it: 

Get drunk again

The terrible shame of waking up and realising you’ve been an utter prick will only go away if you drink some more alcohol, then text again making it clear you’re hammered at lunchtime, and suddenly it’s all about your alcoholism. Classic dodge.

Tell an elaborate lie

Wait a week then text them again saying how the strangest thing happened: your phone got stolen by a moped gang who cleared out your bank account then texted the same thing to all your contacts and the police have only just returned it. Then add twelve shrugging emojis.

Claim mistaken identity

Send another text apologising for being so shitfaced that you mistook their number for that of your new partner, who is both a model, an heir to millions and a human rights lawyer. They won’t believe you but you’ll feel a tiny bit better for about three minutes.

Pretend it never happened

Just deny all knowledge. Even if they text back saying they still love you too, in which case call them a demented stalker and get the police involved.

Smash your phone and throw the bits in the sea

Thereby ensuring you’re not able to receive their reply which will say something kind and deeply humiliating like ‘You seem a bit unstable. Shall I call your mum?’

Woman questions everything after seeing boyfriend without beard

A WOMAN who has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for six months is questioning everything after seeing him without a beard for the first time.

Emma Bradford said: “He’s been hiding his face for six months in exactly the way I wanted him to. Now in turns out that this is what his so-called ‘face’ actually looks like.

“Our whole relationship has been a lie.”

She added: “What else has he been hiding from me? Is he really a heart surgeon? Was he really the best man at Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow’s wedding?

“This changes everything.”

Boyfriend Tom Logan said: “Yeah, the surgeon and best man stuff are total bullshit. But if she’s that fussed about the beard, I’ll just grow it back.”