TelevisionAugust 22, 2017

Not Jane Yee on The Block: Are Ling and Zing going for a Nobel Prize?


With Jane Yee galavanting away across the ditch, Tara Ward steps up to power rank the only four night a week NZ renovation show that matters. 

It was Guest Bedroom and Bathroom Week on the relentless renovation extravaganza that we love to call The Block. The pressure was on like a power hose pointed at a pink portaloo, and we were treated to the usual mix of crazy challenges, unexpected problems and obligatory dancing-while-painting-at-1am montages. If all that carry-on doesn’t fulfil the brief of ‘creativity on a budget’, then someone cover me in gib board and wake me up on auction day.

Andy and Nate were crowned this week’s winners, but every team scored a cool $10,000 for finishing under budget. What the? I’ve given up trying to find any logic in this show. Let’s hammer together a long wooden plank and fall into the murky waters of The Block, so that we can drown in the never-ending footage of this man putting a toilet together.

Behold this week’s power rankings, which make as much sense as a midweek challenge creating concrete tetris tiles. Read ‘em and weep.

1) Ling and Zing

It was a travesty that Ling and Zing missed out on the big prize this week, especially when they made the effort of folding their toilet paper into a tiny triangle. That’s the sort of shit buyers go crazy for, so y’all can put your paintbrushes down because, folks, we have a winner.

Let’s forget interior design and concentrate on what Ling and Zing really should have been scored on, like hosing down the portaloos, wearing a Frosty Boy t-shirt, and using Lord Ernest Rutherford as the inspiration for their feature wall colour choices. Forget winning The Block, the Ings are headed straight for the Nobel Prize.


2) Andy and Nate

Andy and Nate should be sitting pretty atop the power rankings, but if The Block’s handing out $10K willy-nilly then I don’t give a shit about due process either. Andy and Nate’s glorious path to victory was paved with an elongated plank, a million magnetic doors, and a marble bathroom so spectacular it would turn Michelangelo to stone. It was bloody marblelous.

Equally marbelous was this work-in-progress shot of their wardrobe, probably inspired by a crisp Kate Shepherd $10 note.

3) Julia & Ali

The twins’ dreams were shattered into tiny wooden shards when a wayward paint can threatened their plans of presenting a room with a door. Thankfully Julia and Ali had a better idea than a single door: DOUBLE DOORS. This was exciting news for Shelley, who had stared at the Lord Rutherford mosaic masterpiece for far too long. “Talk me through it,” she begged the twins, who were probably wondering how to explain the concept of a door to an interior design expert.

Also I’ve no idea what’s going on but I agree, 5.00pm is always worth celebrating.

4) Stace & Yanita

‘Poor finishing’ let Steak and Cheese down, which is design speak for ‘forgetting to triangulate your toilet paper’. They could have been as blue as their glass shower panel, but the BFFs’ endless positivity flowed like Ling and Zing’s liquid glue running down the wall. Who cares if they came last? Their bedroom had a snazzy bookshelf, some laminated art and so many cushions they could have chucked a linen cupboard underneath and nobody would be any the wiser.

Special mention:

These gender stereotyped portaloos, for perfectly fitting this week’s room brief of creativity, colour and WTAF.


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Mad Chapman, Editor

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