Monday, June 22, 2015

Tune in to your gifted child's needs

Anyone who has raised children from birth knows how unique each little being is right out of the gate. They emerge with their own personality, needs, quirks, and impulses. We can help nurture and shape them, but ultimately, they are who they are. We stumble along as parents and make the best choices we can, but our wishes, fears, and personal history affect how we raise them.

And most of us question whether we are making the right decisions.

Our culture and the latest trends in parenting also affect our choices.While debates about helicopter parents, tiger moms and free-ranging kids fill magazine and social media pages, most of these articles descend into all-or-nothing arguments about right or wrong, good or bad. From sound bites to dire warnings, recipes for supposedly perfect parenting strategies are just a mouse click away.

But most of these child-raising formulas and dictates overlook that central task of parenting: tuning in to your child's specific needs. Sorting out who your child really is, what inspires him, what motivates her. Recognizing your child's true talents and realistic limitations, and knowing when to encourage and when to sit back and wait. Separating your personal needs and wishes from what is best for your child.

As parents, you regularly face the following tasks:
  • Sorting through the wealth of child-raising messages and theories 
  • Identifying which methods are best suited to your child's temperament and behavior
  • Recognizing if your decisions are based on your child's needs or your own desires and anxiety 
  • Determining when to offer appropriate and necessary parental support/encouragement/involvement and when to allow them to struggle on their own

Parents of gifted children face unique challenges, since there are few roadmaps to guide them. Young gifted children often present exasperating intensities and overexcitabilities that can be draining for many parents. Highly sensitive, reactive to sensory stimulation, and intensely curious, they can stress even the most patient families. Parents may notice their exceptional abilities, but these children often are not identified as gifted until they are much older. And even if an astute preschool teacher or pediatrician recognizes their abilities, there are few guidelines to help parents manage their needs.

So what can you do?

1. Notice what truly inspires your child. What does he gravitate toward? What interests and energizes her? Allow your child to delve into his interests as much as possible. Gifted children may become highly focused on certain interests and explore them with exceptional depth and complexity. Tap in to this and encourage their natural level of exploration.

2. Introduce new activities to see what sparks joy and creativity. Your child will let you know if you are on the right track. But avoid forcing continued participation in activities that are meaningless, boring, pointlessly difficult or create excessive anxiety. Unless it is a required class subject or a necessary skill she must learn, there is no reason to demand participation in unnecessary activities that only breed resentment and distress.

3. Show interest in what interests your child. Ask open-ended questions and offer comments, such as:
  • Tell me more about that. 
  • How did you come up with that idea?
  • Tell me about the character in the story you wrote
  • What is happening in that picture?
  • What do you think about what happened in the book?
  • What did you like about your lesson/practice/class today?

4. Let you child know that you understand. Not necessarily that you agree with her viewpoint, but understand how she feels. Don't interpret, overexplain, or tell him why he should or should not have certain feelings; just let him know that you get it. It can help younger children when you connect words to their feelings (e.g., "You must have felt sad when Billy wouldn't play with you"). Older children benefit from less elaborate comments ("Well, that's a drag!"), but sometimes need more detailed conversation ("I went through something like that too, and I felt really awful, but eventually I got past it"). And understanding also applies to positive feelings. A knowing glance, a loving gaze, a shared joke all communicate that you deeply understand your child.

5. Notice when anxiety and insecurity interfere. Look for the signs of anxiety, and recognize when to encourage your child to try harder/stick with it/tough it out, or when to allow him to pull back. Help him understand that fears and worries are normal, that there are tools for overcoming them, and that you will help him through it. If insecurity depletes your child's motivation, you will have to decide whether to challenge her lack of drive, or allow her to find her own path. Counseling is sometimes necessary when anxiety and low self-esteem become entrenched patterns.

6. Recognize your own wishes, desires and fears, and notice when they conflict with what is best for your child.  Avoid channeling your child in a particular direction just because it fulfills your dreams or expectations. Regardless of how many baseball practices or violin lessons you schedule, if your child lacks the interest, it may be time to let it go. Even if your gifted child demonstrates tremendous potential in a particular field of study, he may ultimately choose an unrelated career path. While you may need time to grieve over this disappointment, your sadness is best shared with your partner and trusted friends or family, rather than burdening your child with it.

7. Most of all, have fun with your child. Engage in activities that are fun for both of you, will enhance your closeness, and will remind your child that you adore being with her. What is fun for a three-year-old is obviously different for a child of 12 or 17, but remaining attuned to what your child enjoys will be rewarding for both of you. 

Years ago, Winnicott coined the term "good enough parent." Perhaps we can all strive to be the "best" good-enough parent by keeping our own anxiety and aspirations in check and paying attention to our child's true nature.


Winnicott, D. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena: A study of the first no-me possession. International Journal of Psychoanalysis, 34, 89-97.


  1. I love this article, so much information and opinion on raising children (gifted or not) is so "one size fits all" Parenting is not something that you can just learn from a book, but something you learn from your children by tuning in to their needs. I would love to cross post this article on my advocacy website Unitedforgifted (with full credit of course) please let me know if this is alright.

    1. Gifted Mother, Thank you for your comments! I appreciate your feedback. Of course you can share this post with your site.


  2. Thanks. Very useful information. I get tired of all of the formulas out there about parenting that tell us what we're supposed to think. I'm no helicopter parent, but I keep track of what my kid is doing and hope I can know what he's thinking.

    1. Anonymous, I agree that the labels and categories that are used in the media are not helpful, and often create feelings of shame and embarrassment when parents want to stay involved. It's great that you are trying to stay focused on what your child needs. Thanks for your comments.

  3. Thanks, Gail. Very helpful information. You might also want to direct parents toward nonprofit groups like SENG ( and to books like A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children.

    1. Thanks, Jim. I agree that SENG is a great resource, and mention it in many of my posts. And of course, your book on gifted children is excellent and I would highly recommend it.