dear la times

did you watch that Miss Universe pagent last night?

i sure as hell did.

my attorney was over, we had thai. God i love thai food. first we watched American Juniors, then we drank beers and watched Miss Universe and I have to say that I called Miss Dominican Republic, Amelia Vega. she had me at hola.

eighteen years old is the new miss universe, la times, and i dont ever want to hear any more shit from you about the ages of the girls that i date.

she was smooth, she was classy, she was happy, she had it all.

i did like the legs of Miss Namibia and the cool class of miss japan (who got robbed and should have been in the top three) and i even liked Daisy Fuentes who is still hanging in there which is tough when youre standing in front of scores of hot women from around the world.

i liked the costumes, the evenening gowns, the sexshay introductions, and even the swimsuit competition.

i liked it all, la times, and i think you did too, but i wouldnt know because i dont pick up the paper any more because you lost me as a reader a long time ago and youve done nothing to get me back.

how come you didnt do what i did and have a picture or two or three each day on your cover introducing each woman? people like to see pictures of pretty women.

miss universe is still in high school. how cool is that?

dont young women need role models any more?

isnt a high school miss universe from a country that most people cant find on a map even somewhat interesting? i think it is. but then again, i also think you suck so maybe you dont care what i think.

you suck because you pretend that you are a local paper but youre really an international paper, and then something like the miss universe pagent shows up that couldnt be more international and i dont see special sections or color full page spreads, or wagering, or handicapping.

maybe you could have given the kids of los angeles a two week geography lesson as to where most of these countries are and have a nice map and a nice picture next to it. maybe this week you could tell the kids of la about the four runners ups countries.

do you only educate the masses about geography when we’re about to blow shit up?

maybe youre part of the problem.

quick: whats the capital of canada?

how fucked up is it that the kids of los angeles know what the captial of afghanistan but not the capital of canada, our neighbors to the north.

war shouldnt be the educator of everyone, peace and love should.

lets put these beauty queens to work.

your pal,


la examiner + welch + big dump truck