tractor joke

Tractor joke redux

I posted the all time best ever joke in the world here some time ago. We’re talking June 2006.

Today I got a comment on that post from someone I don’t know rewriting the tractor joke to make it longer and slightly more awesome.

Kudos to you Michael Edwards.

“Ok so there was this man who was fascinated by tractors he liked tractors so much he changed his name to tractor. He brought his own land and called it tractor and then changed his house to tractor and his road to tractor so his address was tractor, tractor, tractor, and tractor. He even reshaped his own to a tractor design he woke up one day in his tractor shaped bed and wearing his tractor print pyjamas and went down his stairs which had tractor carpet on and then he sat down on his tractor shaped chair at his tractor shaped table eating his tractor shaped toast reading the tractor times. When he read in the tractor times that there was a tractor convention in the local fields near his house in tractor. He was so excited he changed from his tractor pyjamas to his tractor outfit and put on his tractor shoes. He left his tractor house in tractor, tractor and got onto his tractor he had lots of tractors almost every tractor he could find… when he got to the tractor convention he saw the most amazing tractor. He thought it was the best. No he knew it was the best tractor he had ever seen… he went up to the guy who owned it and said. “Excuse me How much is your tractor?”… The guy who owned it thought “hmm I could get a lot of money for this” so he said, ” how much are you willing to pay?” now Tractor being the joker he is said “will a tenner cover it?”, the man who owned the tractor didn’t find this very funny, he thought he was insulting his tractor so he punched him and knocked out Tractor for a few hours. When he woke up he realised he was in a tractor convention and without knowing what had happened he saw this most amazing tractor and asked the guy how much he would sell it for so the owner thought “hmm I could make some money here” so he says, how much are you willing to pay. So Tractor being the joker that he is and not knowing what had happened previously said “will a tenner cover it?” so the man who owned it was very angry he thought he was insulting his tractor, so he hit him hard on the nose and he was knocked out. He woke up the next day and had no idea what had happened but realise he was in a tractor convention and he saw best tractor he had ever seen… he went up to the guy who owned it and said. “Excuse me How much is your tractor?”… The guy who owned it thought “hmm I could get a lot of money for this if he jokes again I will kill him, so he says “how much are you willing to pay for it” so Tractor being the joker that he is and not knowing what had happened previously said “will a tenner cover it? The man was Furious, he punched Tractor so hard he was out cold for a week… when he woke up he hadn’t remembered a thing the convention had gone and all he knew was that he didn’t like tractors anymore. So he changed everything back so he lived in an ordinary house number in an ordinary road in an ordinary town with an ordinary name. He woke up and got out of his ordinary bed in his ordinary pyjamas and wearing his ordinary slippers he goes down his ordinary stairs to his ordinary table eating his ordinary toast reading his ordinary newspaper. And he is very bored so he decides to go to an ordinary pub to order an ordinary beer. He goes into a pub and it is so Smokey he can’t even see his hand In front of his face so he leaves and goes out to find another pub buy he cant find one so he decides the last pub would have to do… he goes into the pub and breathes in all the smoke and breathes it out the door… the barman goes up to him and says, “how did you do that? I’ve been trying to get rid of that smoke for weeks”. The ordinary man says “oh That’s easy I’m an Extractor Fan!”

The Tractor Joke… Just because I can

There’s this young boy named John who is absolutely fascinated by tractors. He sits in class at school and draws tractors while his teacher talks. He spends all his spare time playing with tractors. His tractor fetish carries through his childhood and into his adolescence.

When John is 19 his great uncle dies and John inherits the old family farm. John is excited because the farm comes with a run down tractor. John has fulfilled his dream of having a tractor of his very own. He spends a bit of time doing the tractor up, giving it a new paint job, fixing the engine, and soon it’s running as smoothly as a brand new tractor. John loves his new tractor. He drives it every day, from sun up till late into the night. Soon his farm is making lots of money. Few farms are looked after as well as John’s.

His tractor makes so much money in the first year that John is able to buy a newer, better tractor. He can’t bring himself to dispose of his old tractor so he puts it in his shed. This new tractor is faster than the first one, so his farm becomes more efficient and more profitable. John is able to upgrade his tractor again, he buys a faster, shinier tractor. This pattern continues until John has so many tractors that he has to build a new shed to fit all the tractors. He builds the shed on one of his fields. His new, V12 super tractor is so efficient that he barely notices the difference in productivity so things are going ok. But every six months a new tractor comes out and John just has to buy it. Soon he has to build a second shed to store all his tractors.

John is spending so much time maintaining his tractor collection and spending so much money on new tractors that his farm starts to go into debt. One day the debt collectors come round to John’s farm and give him some bad news. His farm is in so much debt that they need to repossess all of the tractors except the one that came with the farm. John is heartbroken. He vows never to look longingly at another tractor as long as he lives. He pulls down the tractor storage sheds and starts farming again. He manages to pay off his debts and soon his farm is making money again.

One day, a few years later John’s friend the local tractor dealer calls him up on the phone to tell him that he’s got the top secret plans for an exciting new tractor and he’ll let John see them if he comes down to the shop. John hesitates for a while but then agrees to head down to the shop to check out the plans. When he gets there, Bob, the tractor shop owner, hands him a booklet filled with sketches and information about the newest super tractor. John casually starts flipping through the pages, he quickly gets lost in the pages, minutes pass, John is engrossed. Bob starts to get a little impatient. “John,” he says ,”these plans are top secret and I can’t leave you with them, I really need a cigarette, do you mind if I smoke inside?”
John looks at him for a moment and says “Nah mate, doesn’t worry me, I’m an ex-tractor fan.”

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