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To Hell With Conference Solidarity

What do I have in common with this man? Nothing.
What do I have in common with this man? Nothing.

"At a restaurant in East Lansing," tweeted some guy with "ESPN" and "Big Ten" in his Twitter handle, "and everyone's cheering for Cal. No Big Ten solidarity, like they have in the SEC. "

Beyond the more meta question of "Why does everything in CFB immediately devolve into how it compares to the SEC?", I must ask, "Why in the hell would I have solidarity with the Big Ten?"

Ohio owns, and Chicago, outside of being an economically/racially divided city, killing ground, and impending petri for martial law, is okay as well. Marion, Cleveland, Columbus, and Chicago are the only cities in the Midwest that worth a damn.

If you won the MegaMillions, how many cities (in America alone) would you have to go through before you say something like, "YOU KNO WUT? LET'S GO CHECK OUT BLOOMINGTON, INDIANA." Why in the hell should I have solidarity with people in Madison Wisconsin? Because our states are within driving distance? Because we decided to form a footbaw conference with them back in the 1900's?

Everybody in the Big Ten hates Ohio State, which doesn't bother me in the slightest. I'd hate the juggernaut who rolled around every year and punched me in the nose too. It's only natural.

I've never played a snap for Ohio State football (shocker, I know), but I'm already tired of carrying salt for these Big Ten scrubs. At least we've won a national championship in the last decade, and at least we made it far enough to be sacrificed twice at the alter of our SEC overlords. What is Wisconsin's shining example this decade? Getting euthanized by Oregon and some private Christian school from Texas in the Rose Bowl? Hell, Michigan's last national moment was in the 2005 Rose Bowl when Vince Young pranced through their defense with roses between his teeth.

The only program I like is Minnesota, and that's because Jerry Kill is a boss hogg and Minnesota knows their role. Back in 08, I went to the Minnesota/Ohio State game, and Minnesota fans didn't offer a lick of resistance. They knew they were there to get whooped and they took their ass whipping with a semblance of pride. Minnesota at least has some sort of honor.

Programs like Wisconsin -- where their drunken creativity caps out at screaming "F YOU" and "EAT SHIT" at each other and jumping around to shitty 90's house music -- there is nothing honorable about them. Their coach is a bloated troll who rubs gel in his hair. Why shouldn't I be cheering for teams like Utah State to roll the Badgers at home? Especially when Wisconsin has made a habit out of bombing inferior out-of-conference foes at home for the last 10 years?

You know those (always old, always white) Ohio State fans who say things like, "Well you know, I cheer for Michigan to win every game, except The Game. I have respect for the rivalry." Screw those holier-than-thou gasbags. I hope Michigan loses every game from next week to forever, the capstone being the Buckeyes driving those scrubs into the Sea of Erie.

These people are not my "friends"; these people are not my "buddies". They delighted in the fall of Jim Tressel, some barely able to contain their child-like glee at his demise. Then when Les Wexner backs his money train up into Urban Meyer's driveway, they cry even harder. There is no winning with these people.

So why, guy with "ESPN" and "Big Ten" in his Twitter handle, why should I have solidarity with people who wish ill on my state's lifeblood? Because that's what they do in the SEC, where Tennessee fans get to spew grits everywhere while chanting "S-E-C", as if Tennessee wasn't last relevant when people were dialing up to log onto the internet?

Alabama and LSU are really the only ones in the country who can talk any shit right now. Florida can lightweight reminisce, and Auburn can applaud their shadowy "financial aid" network, but that's about it.

Ohio State is the only team I cheer for, and our goal is to climb this ladder and take us a national chain. Seems to me, the rest of the BIG is satisfied with "Win the Big Ten and try not to get mopped up in a bowl game." That's a loser's attitude, especially in the year 2012 of our Lord and Savior Warren G. Harding when the Big Ten is a joke.

I hate the Big Ten. I hate the coaches, I hate the players, and most of all, I hate the fans. I think I'd rather watch a sex tape featuring my parents from a night I wasn't even conceived than be subjugated to an Indiana-Northwestern banger in November (or whenever the hell those two lock horns.)

I don't get enjoyment out of watching teams from Iowa beat teams from Arkansas. I only glean amusement from this game when it's Ohio State breaking people's sternums and throwing opponents in the dirt.

The Big Ten is nothing but a hinderance to Ohio State's goals, and for that, I will never like nor respect them; the only exception being Minnesota Nice Guy.