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Debate Team

Dealing with people who disrespect (?) you - sorta DML

I work for a very small research center at a university. There's me, the director, and the chair. I get that I'm the lowest person there, and often am working behind the scenes so many guests and visiting researchers won't know the work I've done to help them, but we also work with lots of faculty and students on campus that I meet in person several times a year. And if they email our unit, I'm the one checking and emailing back (using my name to sign the message). So even if they don't know my face, they should by now, after working there for 8 years, know my name. I'm also pretty shy, so I don't exactly "make the rounds" at social gatherings and tend to talk to just a couple people I know well. That also gives me some empathy for others who may be socially awkward, but this one grad student is starting to piss me off. She started her program a couple years ago and I can tell she's a little socially awkward by the way she talks to people. But whenever she would come to our office for a meeting with the director, she would never acknowledge my presence, despite my desk being right there next to the door when you walk in. Like, you have to purposefully avert your eyes to not see me. She's complained when she doesn't get an email (despite being on the mailing list), which comes back to me and I have to double check she isn't accidentally unsubscribing to our newsletters, which she has in the past. Today she sent an email to our main account, the one I manage, addressed to (by name) "Dear Chair, Director, and all," Like...all? There are only three of us, you can't remember one more name? And then in the email she causally threw shade that a form she tried to fill out didn't work correctly (forms I make) even though every other student has managed to fill it out without issue. It would be pretty unprofessional of me to call her out by email, but I'm getting kind of tired of being treated as some nameless administrator who's bad at her job. FWIW, all the other students are very nice and friendly. Even the faculty, as busy and scatterbrained as they can sometimes be, know my name and remember me. Have you dealt with people like this before? What would you do in this situation? P.S. This is not a serious debate but it's a little dead here and I thought we should liven it up with a DML.

comments (14)

  • I have an idea, know the type. What is your title?
  • ILikeTry said:
    Research Coordinator. So yes, I am a lowly administrator but honestly in the 8 years I've been there no one as has treated me like I'm invisible before.
  • How close are you with the chair and director?
  • Re: the recent email - I'd respond all with something like: Hi Grad Student, Sorry to hear about the confusion on the forms. I'm happy to schedule some time to walk through it/them with you one-on-one to troubleshoot any concerns. Let me know when you'll be in the office next and I'll add it to my/our calendar. Thanks, OP
  • ILikeTry said:
    How close are you with the chair and director?
    I mean, pretty close, but I don't know that they'd do anything about it. It would be pretty petty of me to bring it up of the blue I think, especially since the slights are all pretty subtle. Plus I think they tend to view the students like children and give the more grace for their missteps, whereas I'm the same age as many of them and my relationship with them tends to be more like peers/colleagues.
  • TrinPSU said:
    Re: the recent email - I'd respond all with something like: Hi Grad S…
    We're all still working remotely so I can't offer to meet her in person. I thought about saying something like "Hm, I haven't heard any other students say it wasn't working, so perhaps there is a software update you missed recently" but I ultimately didn't want to give her any additional attention so I opted for a very short email that just said I (*I*, not *WE*) got her form.
  • kafka12 said:
    I mean, pretty close, but I don't know that they'd do anything about i…
    I know what you mean. Ugh it probably has a lot to do with their maturity. Condescension looks good on no one. Especially ignorant condescension. You’ve been there 8 years. They have no idea how integral you are to the team. Have the same chair and director been there the entire time you have?
  • When I was a graduate student the faculty made it 100% clear to any fool that couldn’t figure it out or didn’t have baseline human decency, that administrative staff people were highly valued and valuable and were to be treated as such. God help you if you pissed off the administrative assistants because 1) They’re people and 2) Everyone knows they’re the ones really running the show. The other people in your department should have your back. I’m just going to guess this student is some 22 year old White kid full of her own self-importance, with no prior work or life experience. Inform your colleagues of what you’ve been experiencing. Them addressing it is actually doing her (and the world at large) a favor.
  • ILikeTry said:
    I know what you mean. Ugh it probably has a lot to do with their mat…
    Director yes, the current chair just started, our third one since I've been there. But we have much bigger stuff to work on, and the email out of context doesn't look like anything, it's just part of a larger pattern of her just treating me like I don't exist. I would probably have to wait until we have programs and events back in person to mention something to the director after something happens again. The chair is great, I really respect her, but this isn't really something I could approach her with unless it was much more blatant.
  • daffodildaisy said:
    When I was a graduate student the faculty made it 100% clear to any fo…
    Mid 30s, but yes, about describes her. I don't want to go into too many details about the nature of the research we support for privacy sake, but there is this weird, almost competitive nature people in the field can get into to prove they're closer to or know more about the subject than other people and that makes them special, so when they meet someone like them who makes them questions their specialness it throws them for a loop. The director and chair are usually very good about making sure I get called out for my work when I'm accidentally looked over (like I said in my OP, I'm working behind the scenes so a lot of people don't realize that my work was integral to their program getting organized), it's just a bunch of little things with this student.

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