Joining the chess club, and other things that delayed the loss of your virginity

DID you make some decisions during your teenage years that acted as pure sexual kryptonite? These will be familiar:

A statement haircut

In a desperate attempt to seem dangerous and edgy, you decided to get a ludicrous mohawk. Unfortunately, your pocket money didn’t stretch to visiting a hairdresser, so you did it yourself with your mum’s nail scissors. The resulting mess set your sexual awakening back at least a year.

Joining the chess club

You envied the attention lavished on members of your school’s football and hockey teams, yet you still went ahead and joined a club with the lowest possible social cachet. Yes, you may have been able to castle, but you also didn’t French kiss anyone until university.

Learning magic

You foolishly thought that the best way to impress someone you fancied at a house party was a magic trick, when in reality bringing along a bottle of Smirnoff would have done the job. No one wants to get off with a guy waving a wand in the corner of the kitchen so the one thing you couldn’t make disappear was your virginity.

Overbearing parents

Eventually the time came when you got chatting to someone you fancied at a party, and things seemed to be going well. Until, that is, you heard a car horn beeping outside and remembered your mum only allowed you to go if she picked you up at 11pm sharp. Your parents effectively cock-blocked you until you left home.

Playing the ukulele

Playing an instrument is cool, right? Well, it depends what it is. While turning up to a social gathering and busting out some tunes is impressive in theory, you looked like an absolute twat doing it on a tinny, badly-tuned ukulele. Anyone who had felt a vague sexual stirring towards you was instantly put off after witnessing your dismal mangling of Outkast’s Hey Ya!

It's Freedom Day Eve, says insufferable prick

A TIRESOME moron is calling the last 24 hours until social restrictions lift ‘Freedom Day Eve’.

Eleanor Shaw came up with the twee term all by herself after cleverly noticing that lockdown rules end tomorrow, and that today is the day before that.

Shaw said: “Freedom Day didn’t quite sound enough like a bullshit marketing slogan based on celebrating nothing for my liking, so I thought I’d take it to the next level by copying the nauseating build-up of Christmas Eve.

“I’ve even got in the festive spirit of Freedom Day by getting pissed, deleting the NHS Covid-19 app and burning all of my face masks in a huge bonfire. After tomorrow I will never, ever need to wear one again. Boris said so, and he’s never wrong.”

Friend Donna Sheridan said: “This isn’t even the worst of it. Yesterday she pointed out that it was Freedom Day Eve Eve, and was wondering why John Lewis hadn’t made a tacky advert featuring a happy penguin to cash in on the big day.

“Anyway, I’m glad she’s having a nice time now as we’ll no doubt be back in lockdown by September.”