Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I changed my mind after Istikhara but my parents are guilting me

forced marriage


So this family came to our house and proposed to me over a month ago. They wanted a reply really quickly (on the same day), so without thinking I said "yes." This was partly because, in the moment, I didn't think he was that bad, and my parents really wanted me to go through with it.

However, after doing Istikhara for several days, I got the strongest feeling that I should not go though with this. So I told my parents. This was less than a week after the proposal. My parents guilt tripped me, saying things like "what if we have heart attacks and die," and "how humiliating it would be to tell the family 'no.'"

We argued for a really long time, and everyone in my family got involved. Alhamdulilah, my siblings are supportive of me, helped, and tried to make my parents understand. However, in the end, I felt so pressured and guilty that I eventually told my parents I would do it.

After this argument, I have argued with my parents again, telling them how unhappy I am. At this point, I am extremely depressed and suicidal. The engagement is in less than two weeks. His family has bought a dress and ring already. I really feel stuck and I really need advice. Please help me.


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  1. Hi,

    I can relate.

    I had to recently end a marriage for the very same reason.. being with someone your not happy or like from the heart.

    A proposal came last March and it just dragged on and delayed because of COVID. Anyway I saw the person and said to Mum I dont feel attracted to her... but thought I need to see again which I did a few months later when restrictions were eased. The 2nd time I and mum went and I didn't like nor did mum (lets just say weren't impressed).. I thought cant have everything in person so lets see... plus her aunty was being bias and putting good words for her and family as they were related so wasn't being neutral!

    So things weren't going anywhere... at this point her mum came from Pakistan to UK.. so more pressure you can say, I was like why has her mum come over when nothing has happened or going anywhere ... anyway.. all thanks to the girls aunty who was pushing and forcing this rishta through.... I think they liked us more than we liked them so with the help of her aunty she helped to get this fishtailing through for them as a favour as they are relatives.

    I met for another time the girl and same issue didn't feel attracted but she had this time presented her self better as last time I saw her with mu she had no socks on or presented herself properly? So nice enough family and person... you could say pressure and everyone thinking a good proposal ie positive comments, her aunty said its ok she will learn to be fashionable etc... thats was rubbish.. all our concerns her aunty wa stunning into positive and dismissing our concerns and issues we had.

    So said to mum after this meeting lets go forwards to the next stage (you can say her aunty convinced me and mum) ... I didn't say yes just next stage.... before you know it her father is coming over from Pk? I was like what is this I haven't said yes just to the next part of the process.... her aunty and them I think were wanting to get this thing over and done with as they knew I was unsure!

    They also wanted a quick answer and so before we know it they said they want to do Nikkah and gave us 3 dates? I was like your kidding me, my sis advised mum that if you feel this isn't enough time ask for more time etc... dont feel pressurised.

    Anyway we arranged to meet her and father as well with her mum as well.. in that meeting I dint feel attracted to her but thought again you know nice enough person...but felt they were rushing everything too quick... as they date was set within 2 weeks.. and YES at that point I felt pressured that a date has been set... how can I say NO now?

    On the morning of the Nikkah I had a dream from my istikharah, in my dream that Im telling mum as the Imam walks in for the Nikkah ie he has come abit early to get ready at the venue, I say to mum in my dream... that I dont want to go forwards with this and mum starts getting angry at me and ask what you mean you dont want to go forwards?

    Anyway I went ahead with Nikkah and it fell apart for various reasons.. which I won't go into detail to mention why! That is another story!

    To summarise I wish I had the balls to say to mum or in the morning of the Nikkah I dont want to go ahead as I dont like or feel attracted to the person.. not sure why I still went ahead with it?

    My advice is going to be hard but sometimes you need to be abit brave... sometimes parents (no fault of their own) they think they are doing a good or right thing as they are parents..... but sometimes they make also wrong decision and dont listen.

    I would advise you to call it off and say you need more time to think about it, if your still unhappy and dont want to go ahead I would call it off... or if you have made up your mind already call it off.

    Dont feel pressured or guilty... that's what I was going through I was thinking the following;

    1 - OMG Nikkah date set in two weeks and her parents have come from Pakistan, can't say no, now after going forwards! Embarrassment

    2 - Embarrassment for me and family but also for them and her aunty who was match making

    3 - What will people think? Venue booked and clothes etc.

    4 - Mum is getting old and this rishta seems like a good one... but my heart wasn't there

    Being in a unhappy marriage or someone you dont like or not attracted to is not good and will not end well.

    Yes culturally Indian/Pak/Bangla families will take a big deal out of it but its no big deal because it happens and YES Nikkah and engagements happen and broken off right before it happens, its not a big deal... but what is a big deal is if you had the opportunity to say NO but you didn't.... what if the marriage breaks after? You will then feel more guilty and what about your parents then will they bear it if it goes wrong?

    So people dont think about the effect of what can happen when things go wrong! They think short-term not long-term.

    I think parents get carried away and dont understand what marriage is about especially old school parents thinking.

    Marriage is a gamble really it can work to or not (marriage is something you have to work at) but why go into a marriage under pressure and guilt... NO, this is your life and your heart and mind cant be wrong.

    Yes your family and there family will make a big deal out of but Islam doesn't pressure anyone into things like this just like buying a car or going fir a job a career you got to do what is right for you and what feels right for you and what you feel at ease and happy with... FORCING or PRESSURIG anyone to do anything will result in failure and resentment.....

    I cant advise on your istikharah... that is personal to you.... Istikharah isn't just about dreams its also about how one feels and reality infront of you, and if you dont feel comfortable then dont it....

    Trust me me, I wish I was strong enough to say No to mum and call the Nikkah off when I had the TIME... but I didn't because I came under pressure for different reasons.......

    There is a very famous saying ''Speak now or forever hold your peace''

    If your gut feeling is saying to you NO.. then dont go ahead with it....

    I know a friend who's father made her marry someone she didn't like... she has 3 children and in a very unhappy marriage..... she's ended up mentally ill and very unhappy.... basically lost it...

    Im not saying that the person whom the proposal has come is going to be a bad person... who knows? But you do what's right for you and feel.....

    You shouldn't feel depressed... JUST because they bought a dress and ring doesn't mean anything they can always get a REFUND!

    Imagine if you go-ahead and you become more unhappy.. then what are you going to do? The other side will blame you why you didn't stop it?

    Emotional blackmail by parents is wrong.....

    My sincere advice is as I've gone through this MYSELF.... if your unhappy about this I wouldn't go ahead...... I wish I called my Nikkah off, EVEN on the day itself... but I didn't as I didn't have the courage to say NO, Sometimes saying NO is a blessing for all... but our Asian community dont see it that way and force the issue because they see the person through their eyes not your eyes or heart.

    Yes you said YES to it under pressure and guilt... however you also have the right and power to say NO.... doesn't matter if Nikkah is in two weeks etc. If you genuinely dont feel like going ahead leave it.

    Its funny as I was just checking my emails and saw your post... I truly believe Allah wants me to give you some advice... as it could save you somehow 🙂

    Im looking to get married again but this time I will marry someone who likes me and I like her genuinely..... from my heart and mind.

    By the way my marriage didn't last long.... it lasted two months!

  2. Dear Kinza
    Marriage is a big deal and you will not 100% sure of any one.

    Have faith in Allah if you have accepted the proposal for whatever reason stick to it instead of arguing with your parents continue with isteqarah and then leave it to Quder of Allah, have Faith that whatever good happens it is from Allah.
    I’m sure your parents would make sure to check on his background and find out about him, that’s what they can do, be positive and make lots of Doa, if you know of any reason why you shouldn’t accept thus person then voice it, As for the bad feeling, Remember shaitan surly will put waswas in your heart..

    May Allah make it easy for you.

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