blackThere are people out there who never give exes a second chance. They have the philosophy of not falling prey to the “yo-yo syndrome,” i.e. breaking up and getting back together with your former mate. I understand it, mostly because I believe that constantly breaking up is not just emotionally damaging to both parties involved, but also weakens the relationship. While I tend to lean toward clean breaks, sometimes the second time around actually does turn out to be successful.

Having the desire to get back with your ex is a very normal thing. Even those who treated each other horribly for the duration of their relationship sometimes “miss” what was once was. It’s dysfunctional on occasion, but very common. Someone who served as a romantic partner filled a void that family and loved ones just aren’t meant to. When a relationship ends, you feel your former mate’s absence physically, mentally and/or emotionally.

But how do you know when/if you should get back with your ex?

Many fall prey to the grasp of emotionalism, blindly making decisions based on how they feel alone. Not everyone should be granted the privilege of another chance at love with you. Here are some things to consider before hitting up your former boo.

Why You Want Them Back 

The first step in determining whether or not you should get back with your ex is to truthfully answer the question of why you want them back in the first place. What is it that is making you hold on to them? Is it because you’re afraid of being alone? Or maybe it’s a fear of actually starting over again. Or maybe it’s that you see the relationship’s “potential.” Either way, your answers provide a much-needed compass for what direction you should go. If you’ve determined that the relationship isn’t based on the notion of fear, settling or a lack of confidence, then you’re on track for solidly affirming your feeling of a reunion. And remember: never fall in love with the idea of what “could be.” It’s best to deal with what is when it comes to matters of the heart. Easier said than done, but well worth it in the end.

Why You Broke Up in the First Place

Take a cold hard look at your problems. What caused the relationship to end? Was it you? Or was your partner the one who was selfish, deceitful, hurtful, etc.? Whenever you decide to get back in a relationship with an ex, you must be ready for the possibility of returning to the same exact issues that made you leave. People don’t change unless they feel they need to, or some instance that is out of their control forces them to. Which brings me to my next point: the willingness to admit fault and change.

Your Willingness to Evolve

Another key factor that will help you figure out if getting back with your ex is a smart move is your (and their) willingness to evolve and change behaviors/practices that caused confusion in the relationship to begin with. Often, promises of changing are made and vows to “do better” during the make-up stage are overflowing. But the reality is that nothing will change without a clear understanding of the problems that exist in your relationship, and your willingness to admit your role in its demise.

Sure, you can love certain qualities about someone, but those qualities will not be enough to sustain the relationship without compromise. Saying you’ll change isn’t enough. You have to believe that you and your ex have a full understanding of why you both may need to evolve and a commitment to doing so regardless of the outcome of the relationship. Change is rarely effective unless the individual who needs to change believes that they do.

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