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post | ft06my | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,749,201 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft06my/it_must_be_hard_being_a_feminist/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | It must be hard being a feminist | 1 |
post | ft068d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,749,159 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft068d/my_therapist_has_a_plan_to_address_my_dear_of/ | self.jokes | null | I promised to take steps to avoid them. | My therapist has a plan to address my dear of elevators | 2 |
post | ft067m | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,749,157 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft067m/ancient_chinese_wisdom/ | self.jokes | null | Ancient Chinese should receive credit for toilet paper, guy who invented it was named Wi Ping. | Ancient Chinese wisdom | 1 |
post | ft05t7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,749,117 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft05t7/why_is_it_possible_for_people_to_understand_a/ | self.jokes | null | No se | Why is it possible for people to understand a language but not be able to speak it? | 3 |
post | ft02az | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,756 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft02az/farmer_joes_bull_breaks_down_the_barbed_wire/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Farmer Joe's bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again... | 1,111 |
post | ft0129 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,621 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/ft0129/after_the_operation_there_was_good_news_and_bad/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | After the operation, there was good news and bad news... | 2 |
post | fszz6t | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,436 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszz6t/a_man_visits_a_wise_man_and_meets_his_three/ | self.jokes | null | He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.
The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.
The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical.
The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception.
The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools." | A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters... | 1,106 |
post | fszxcn | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,245 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszxcn/thought_of_this_one_on_my_own_when_i_was_a/ | self.jokes | null | Why did the artist lose the gun fight?
He didn't draw his gun fast enough! | Thought of this one on my own when I was a youngster. | 20 |
post | fszx9v | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,238 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszx9v/what_in_common_has_my_unhealthy_snacks_and_trumps/ | self.jokes | null | They will disappear, just like magic, one day they will just disappear... | What in common has my unhealthy snacks and Trump's February statement? | 1 |
post | fszwxp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,200 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszwxp/grandma_in_court/ | self.jokes | null | **Defense Attorney:**
Will you please state your age?
**Little Old Lady:**
I am **94** years old.
**Defense Attorney:**
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of **April 1st?**
**Little Old Lady:**
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you know him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, but he sure was friendly.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened after he sat down?
**Little Old Lady:**
He started to rub my thigh.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I didn't stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
It felt good.
Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
He began to rub my breasts.
**Defense Attorney:**
Did you stop him then?
**Little Old Lady:**
No, I did not stop him.
**Defense Attorney:**
Why not?
**Little Old Lady:**
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
**Defense Attorney:**
What happened next?
**Little Old Lady:**
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him,
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
**Defense Attorney:**
Did he take you?
**Little Old Lady:**
Hell, no!
He just yelled, **'April Fool!'**
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard. | Grandma in Court | 9 |
post | fszw6c | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,119 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszw6c/three_american_colonels_are_in_the_us_about_to/ | self.jokes | null | ..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.
Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000.
Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M).
Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls
-"*Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!*" - says the soldier in charge of the measurement.
-"*No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!*" - answers the colonel.
The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "*Wait...where are your balls*?!"
-"*I lost them in Vietnam*" | Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation... | 3,085 |
post | fszv3j | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,748,003 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszv3j/my_exgirlfriend_was_a_librarian/ | self.jokes | null | The last present I bought for her was a really loud stereo system. Not only did the bitch turn it down, she turned it down. | My ex-girlfriend was a librarian | 3 |
post | fszupw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,969 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszupw/there_is_a_kid_named_bob_in_christian_school/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | there is a kid named Bob in christian school | 13 |
post | fszumi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,957 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszumi/what_did_the_victims_of_a_monthdelayed_april/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fool's prank feel? | 1 |
post | fszuhd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,944 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszuhd/breast_milk_protein_powder/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | breast milk protein powder? | 1 |
post | fszu65 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,916 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszu65/we_are_over_9_hours_into_april_and_noting_bad_has/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | We are over 9 hours into April and noting bad has happened | 1 |
post | fszttr | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,878 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszttr/the_day_is_april_1st_and_timmy_wanted_to_play_an/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | The day is April 1st, and Timmy wanted to play an April Fool's joke on his mom. His mom comes home from work, and Timmy rushes to her. | 5 |
post | fsztfx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,837 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsztfx/meeting_girlfriends_parents/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Meeting girlfriend’s parents | 19 |
post | fszso2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,754 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszso2/til_that_the_upcoming_show_shaking_hands_with/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | TIL that the upcoming show "Shaking hands with America" was cancelled due to the Corona Virus | 1 |
post | fszsky | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,747 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszsky/sometimes_i_crouch_down_in_a_little_ball_wrap_my/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Sometimes I crouch down in a little ball, wrap my arms around my legs and gently tip forwards... | 1 |
post | fszs75 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,704 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszs75/keyworker/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Keyworker | 5 |
post | fszrku | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,640 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszrku/they_should_put_all_covid19_patients_to_las_vegas/ | self.jokes | null | What happens in vegas stays in vegas | They should put all COVID-19 patients to las vegas | 28 |
post | fszriv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,634 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszriv/just_checked_my_farmville_for_the_first_time_in_8/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 8 years... | 2 |
post | fszrb1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,611 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszrb1/i_asked_my_doctor_if_im_healthy_enough_for_sex/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex | 3 |
post | fszqw7 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,570 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszqw7/apparently/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Apparently | 3 |
post | fszq1l | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,488 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszq1l/what_did_the_first_person_to_get_april_fooled_say/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What did the first person to get "April Fooled" say ? | 7 |
post | fszpzx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,484 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszpzx/is_your_refrigerator_running/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Is your refrigerator running? | 2 |
post | fszoym | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,372 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoym/what_does_bob_seger_call_an_abortion/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What does Bob Seger call an abortion? | 0 |
post | fszoxm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,369 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoxm/doctor_im_sorry_to_say_youve_got_lung_cancer/ | self.jokes | null | Patient: [tearing up] "oh god, no!"
Doctor: "Sorry to say it because it's not true, lol April Fools!"
Patient: [angry] "What the hell?"
Doctor: "Yeah, pranked you, the cancer's in your pancreas." | Doctor: "i'm sorry to say you've got lung cancer." | 11 |
post | fszoqj | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,345 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszoqj/famous_last_words/ | self.jokes | null | ''Oh come on, nobody's died from this in years!''
''I saw it on Jackass last night''
''my dad did it as a kid''
''Yes i'm sure the power is off''
''it'll only hurt for a coupe of days''
''see? i'm now afraid of heights''
''you're all pussies''
''What are you gonna do, shoot me?'' | Famous last words... | 0 |
post | fszo95 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,299 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszo95/whats_the_only_difference_between_valentines_day/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What’s the only difference between Valentine’s Day and April fools? | 1 |
post | fsznml | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,236 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsznml/april_fools_day/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | April Fools Day........... | 5 |
post | fsznm5 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,235 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsznm5/why_was_six_afraid_of_seven/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Why was six afraid of seven? | 3 |
post | fszn4l | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,185 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszn4l/girl_babe_im_pregnant_youre_the_father/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | girl: babe I'm pregnant you're the father | 14 |
post | fszmor | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,141 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszmor/how_do_you_call_a_blind_german_baby/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | How do you call a blind german baby? | 0 |
post | fszlse | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,045 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszlse/a_man_is_suing_another_man_for_a_car_crash/ | self.jokes | null | Man : my hand hurts and i can't even raise it!
lawyer: how high can you raise it now?
the man raises his hand to a very low place
lawyer: and how high were you able to raise it before the crash?
the man raises his hand the highest his hand can go. | A man is suing another man for a car crash.... | 9 |
post | fszlma | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,747,028 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszlma/mailmans_last_day/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Mailman’s last day | 1 |
post | fszl99 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,984 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszl99/how_can_you_tell_if_a_soprano_is_at_your_front/ | self.jokes | null | She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in. | How can you tell if a soprano is at your front door? | 8 |
post | fszjxu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,845 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszjxu/how_many_actors_does_it_take_to_change_a_light/ | self.jokes | null | only one cause they don't like to share the spot light | How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? | 8 |
post | fszhox | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,613 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszhox/doctors_in_new_york_have_come_up_with_a_cocktail/ | self.jokes | null | They’re calling it The Manhattan. | Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus.. | 9 |
post | fszhjm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,599 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszhjm/the_pope_told_catholics_that_if_during_these/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | The pope told Catholics that if during these times, if you can't find your priest, go directly to God. | 0 |
post | fszgoy | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,512 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszgoy/why_is_donald_trump_not_a_humanitarian/ | self.jokes | null | He says that he doesn't like cannibalism; too stringy and only good with mustard. | Why is Donald Trump not a humanitarian? | 0 |
post | fszgl2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,504 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszgl2/why_did_i_open_a_new_tab/ | self.jokes | null | to search for good jokes. to search for good jokes. | why did i open a new tab? | 0 |
post | fszfzu | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,444 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszfzu/what_are_the_best_movies_to_watch_during/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What are the best movies to watch during quarantine? | 1 |
post | fszfy6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,440 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszfy6/why_did_i_have_to_stop_the_car/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Why did i have to stop the car? | 1 |
post | fszf3j | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,351 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszf3j/beautiful_but/ | self.jokes | null | A lady goes to a tattoo parlor to get Beautiful Butt tattooed on her behind in large letters because her husband keeps telling her what a Beautiful Butt she has. The tattoo artist convinces her that Beautiful Butt in large letters may not look to good with a big crack going down through the middle of the tattoo. So they decide on a big B on each but check.After she gets the tattoo she goes home and gets ready to surprise her husband. She gets naked and waits at the top of stairs for him to come in from work.Her husband opens the front door, steps in and sees her naked at he top of the stairs. She says,”I have a surprise for you honey.” Turns around and bends over. Her husband looks at her ass and says,”Bob, Bob, who in the hell is Bob!” | Beautiful But | 8 |
post | fszcil | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,746,090 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszcil/went_and_caught_my_wife_cheating_with_my_best/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Went and Caught My Wife Cheating With My Best Friend | 0 |
post | fszb7d | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,745,953 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fszb7d/what_kind_of_jokes_are_allowed_during_the/ | self.jokes | null | Inside jokes | What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine? | 358 |
post | fsz6vf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,745,493 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz6vf/what_kind_of_jokes_are_allowed_during_the/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine? | 4 |
post | fsz6fd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,745,446 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz6fd/what_do_they_call_it_when_your_eye_is_infected/ | self.jokes | null | Corona-Iris. I'll see myself out. | What do they call it when your eye is infected with COVID-19? | 10 |
post | fsz678 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,745,423 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz678/911_911_what_is_your_emergency/ | self.jokes | null | Woman: I was just sexually assaulted by a painter!
911: How do you know he was a painter?
Woman: He was drunk and didn't finish the job. | 911: 911, what is your emergency? | 22 |
post | fsz5se | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,745,377 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz5se/why_cant_ants_get_sick_from_coronavirus/ | self.jokes | null | Because they have little anty-bodies. | Why can't ants get sick from Coronavirus? | 15 |
post | fsz3gc | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,745,114 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz3gc/i_wonder_if_the_people_who_post_their_cute/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | I wonder if the people who post their cute pictures of bats on Reddit are taking additional measures to prevent infecting them. | 1 |
post | fsz1m6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,906 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz1m6/why_do_you_bang_a_sheep_on_the_edge_of_a_cliff/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Why do you bang a sheep on the edge of a cliff? | 6 |
post | fsz19l | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,868 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz19l/the_germans_response_to_the_virus_has_been_so/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | The Germans' response to the virus has been so effective, and their fatality rate is so low, the only conclusion is that the virus must have Germophobia | 1 |
post | fsz18o | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,865 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz18o/now_the_coronavirus_is_getting_really_bad/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Now the coronavirus is getting really bad. | 1 |
post | fsz186 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,863 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz186/when_suicide_bombers_detonates/ | self.jokes | null | ...he goes out with a Bang. | When suicide bombers detonates... | 0 |
post | fsz13z | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,852 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsz13z/years_ago_i_decided_i_wanted_to_be_a_doctor/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Years ago, I decided I wanted to be a doctor... | 6 |
post | fsyzl6 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,688 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyzl6/today_is_the_day_many_people_will_confess_to/ | self.jokes | null | And say it was an April fool's joke when they get rejected | Today is the day many people will confess to their crushes | 4 |
post | fsyzkl | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,687 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyzkl/knock_knock/ | self.jokes | null | Whose there?
Corona.
Corona who?
Corona you! *Coughs in face* | Knock knock | 0 |
post | fsyy8r | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,546 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyy8r/a_bikini_is_an_outfit_where_90_of_a_womans_body/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | A bikini is an outfit where 90% of a woman's body is exposed. | 7 |
post | fsyxni | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,480 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxni/why_is_it/ | self.jokes | null | My wife can come home from working in her dress and change into jeans and a flannel shirt it’s no big deal.
When I come home from work and change out of my jeans and flannel shirt. It’s suddenly “we have to talk.” | Why is it? | 1 |
post | fsyxhp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,463 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxhp/the_spoon_in_a_waiters_pocket_catches_the/ | self.jokes | null | The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The customer is visibly impressed. He then notices something else. He asks "Is that the same reason you have a ketchup bottle in your apron?" The waiter says "Exactly!" The customer says "One last question. Why is there a string coming out of your fly?" The waiter explains "That string is tied to my penis. When i go pee, i just have to unzip and then give it a tug. That way, i save valuable time not having to wash my hands." The customer says "I see. But how do you get your penis back in your pants without touching it?" The waiter replies "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use my spoon." | The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention | 56 |
post | fsyxfd | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,455 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyxfd/when_this_crisis_is_over_and_you_had_to_choose/ | self.jokes | null | Which pub will you be drinking in ? | When this crisis is over and you had to choose between a night out drinking with your mates or a romantic dinner with your wife.. | 6 |
post | fsywi1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,357 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsywi1/how_do_you_waste_peoples_time/ | self.jokes | null | >!not like this !</ >! not like this not like this !</>! / not like this!<
&#x200B;
>!not like this tooo!< .>!not like this also !<>!look somewhere else!<
&#x200B;
>!Not like this either !< . >! not like this !<.>! not like this!< | How do you waste people's time? | 3 |
post | fsyupm | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,744,162 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyupm/five_years_old_boy_asks_his_mom_mom_why_you_were/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Five years old boy asks his mom, "Mom, why you were jumping on dad's belly last night"? | 10 |
post | fsyslg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,926 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyslg/whats_the_difference_between_a_jazz_guitarist_and/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist? | 7 |
post | fsyrwn | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,849 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyrwn/my_friend_is_the_most_average_person_on_the/ | self.jokes | null | He's really mean | My friend is the most average person on the planet yet he loves to go around judging and criticising other people | 5 |
post | fsyrjh | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,803 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyrjh/why_did_the_pilot_get_sick/ | self.jokes | null | Because he flu | Why did the pilot get sick? | 25 |
post | fsyqwn | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,730 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyqwn/drug_cartels_have_been_turning_to_toilet_paper/ | self.jokes | null | I guess you can say the crack has been wiped out clean | Drug cartels have been turning to toilet paper instead of narcotics for profits. | 6 |
post | fsyqr8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,711 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyqr8/prince_charles_is_actually_happy_about_getting/ | self.jokes | null | Now he doesn't have to worry if he will experience coronation. | Prince Charles is actually happy about getting COVID-19. | 6 |
post | fsypwy | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,615 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsypwy/kata_kata_village_celebrates_the_blood_donor_day/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | KATA KATA VILLAGE CELEBRATES THE BLOOD DONOR DAY (TEASER) | 1 |
post | fsyoxf | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,501 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyoxf/my_exwife_still_misses_me/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | My ex-wife still misses me | 4 |
post | fsymst | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,263 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymst/told_this_joke_every_summer_as_a_camp_counselor/ | self.jokes | null | This cheerio works 9-5 at a factory doing the same mundane task every day of every year. One day, this smoking hot frosted cheerio walks in and the normal cheerio falls for her instantly. He walks up to her and says:
“Hey, want to grab something to eat later?” And she says:
“Actually, I’m going to this party at 8pm at this address. You should come by!”
So he finishes with work, and goes home. He tidied up, gets dressed, and gets ready for the party.
8pm rolls by, and he gets to the address. It’s got a neon sign labeled “The Joke.” He doesn’t know anyone there except for the frosted cheerio, and he just kind of wants to leave. She comes up to him and says:
“So glad you could come! Are you having a good time?”
“Not really. I don’t know anyone here except for you. I think I’m just gonna get some punch.” He says.
“Ooh, grab me a glass, would you?” She says.
So he goes up to the table with all the drinks and snacks and such, but there isn’t anyone there. He grabs two glasses and promptly gets back to the frosted cheerio.
“So, how’d it go?” Says the frosted cheerio.
“Smoothly. There wasn’t even a line.” He replies.
“Really?” She has a look of pure astonishment for some reason.
“Yeah. The joke doesn’t have a punchline.” | Told this joke every summer as a camp counselor; never failed | 17 |
post | fsymm8 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,241 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsymm8/what_a_set_up_for_a_dad_joke_its_worth_it_tho/ | self.jokes | null | full disclosure, this isn't my joke, was sent to me
I knew a bloke who was a massive fan of tractors his whole life.
When he was a kid, he didn't have toy cars or posters of lambos on his bedroom wall, he had toy tractors and trailers and posters of the latest John Deeres.
He didn't go on holiday to Spain, France or even the Lake District. No, his family holidays were centred around the agricultural shows, especially the Great Yorkshire Show and the Appleby Show.
Sometimes, the tractor salesmen would even let him go for a ride on a tractor while they moved them about the ground!
As he grew up, his love for tractors never waned or faded, and was just as strong on his wedding day as when he was a child, to the point, he didn't have wedding cars, but tractors!
On his honeymoon, he and his new wife travelled north to stay at Appleby Manor Hotel and go to the show, telling everyone that they were honeymooning.
One of the salesmen, who'd known him for years, asked if he'd like to drive his new wife around the showground in the newest machine.
Obviously, he leapt at the chance! To take control of a tractor? This was a dream come true!
So, he and his wife climbed aboard and he drove a full circuit of the ground, loving every single second.
Of course, it couldn't last forever and all too soon, they got back to the salesman. They jumped down and thanked the salesman gratefully. The salesman asked if they'd like a photo with the tractor. Of course, they said yes and they stood next to the tractor, he with his hand on the step in front of the big wheel and his wife to the outside.
Unknown to anyone, he had forgotten to put the handbrake on and a sudden gust of wind, combined with the slight incline the tractor was on caused it to roll forward.
Before anyone realised what was happening, he'd slipped on the grass and the big wheel had run straight over him.
The Great North Air Ambulance service was in attendance and flew him straight to the Cumberland Infirmary at Carlisle. Nearly every bone in his body was broken, several of organs were damaged and he had huge internal bleeding.
It took hours of surgery to stabilise his condition, followed by a medically induced coma lasting several weeks and repeated surgical treatments to realign bones and repair what damage they could.
He then was put into an intense physiotherapy regime to teach him to walk and rebuild the strength he had lost over the past six months.
Obviously, all this time in the hospital gave him a lot of time to think about his life and he came to the realisation that being such a huge fan of tractors had been a massive waste of time and had, in the end, cost him a lot more than it had ever been worth. He vowed, silently, to leave his obsession behind and move on with a more normal life.
As he laid in his hospital bed, day after day, week after week, month after month, subsisting on the hospital food and whatever his beloved and devoted wife bought to him, he realised that when he got out of there, what he really fancied was a proper pie and a pint in a proper pub.
So when the day came, and he was finally discharged from the loving care of the infirmary, he hurpled on his stick across the road to the pub he'd seen. He got his pint from the bar, ordered a steak and ale pie with creamy mash, peas and gravy and took a seat at a table next to the window.
He was sipping away, soaking up the ambiance and listening to the old man at the end of the bar put the world to rights, when the door to the kitchen flew open and a huge billow of smoke plumed into the bar and filled the room.
Everyone was panicking, trying to get out of the pub, but not my mate.
He just calmly stood up, using the table for support and opened the window. He turned his head into the smoke and inhaled deeply, turned back to the window and blew out. He did this twice more and the smoke was gone.
Everyone just stopped and looked at him. After a moment the bartender spoke, “How the fuck did you do that???”
“Easy,” replied my friend, as he took his seat and picked up his pint, “I'm an ex tractor fan.” | what a set up, for a dad joke. it's worth it tho | 55 |
post | fsyl0n | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,743,058 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyl0n/an_elderly_woman_boarded_her_flight/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | An elderly woman boarded her flight. | 0 |
post | fsyjxg | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,927 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyjxg/two_nuns_are_out_for_a_late_nite_walk/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Two nuns are out for a late nite walk... | 0 |
post | fsyjob | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,900 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyjob/my_classmate_said_a_program_wasnt_supported_on/ | self.jokes | null | My teacher told him to put some books under it | My classmate said a program wasn't supported on his browser | 0 |
post | fsygt3 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,560 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsygt3/why_isnt_cricket_a_great_sport_in_china/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Why isn't cricket a great sport in China? | 2 |
post | fsygta | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,560 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsygta/a_really_really_stupid_joke/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | A really, really stupid joke... | 0 |
post | fsygqi | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,551 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsygqi/who_has_2_thumbs_and_likes_cake_days/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Who has 2 thumbs and likes cake days | 1 |
post | fsyfxx | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,463 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyfxx/static_is_this_thing_on/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | *static* Is this thing on? | 6 |
post | fsyfhw | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,408 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyfhw/whats_the_difference_between_a_feminist_and_a/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What’s the difference between a feminist and a suicide vest? | 12 |
post | fsyeqv | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,309 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyeqv/what_superhero_is_afraid_of_calenders/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | What superhero is afraid of cal-enders? | 0 |
post | fsyeha | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,273 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyeha/the_record_for_the_worlds_oldest_person_has_been/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | The record for the worlds oldest person has been broken! It’s now 112 | 0 |
post | fsyefs | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,268 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyefs/surprise/ | self.jokes | null | Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months ater her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.
She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.
She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!! | Surprise | 5 |
post | fsycug | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,742,066 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsycug/two_scientists_bring_a_polar_bear_to_the_south/ | self.jokes | null | Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole
Scientist 1: So this polar bear can survive in both the north *and* south poles?
Scientist 2: that’s correct. However, he’s prone to mood swings in the south
Scientist 1: maybe it’s his wife?
Scientist 2: or his husband.
Scientist 1: so it’s a bi-polar bipolar bi polar bear | Two scientists bring a polar bear to the South Pole | 6 |
post | fsyaul | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,741,829 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsyaul/what_feminism_did_for_menbros/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What Feminism Did for Menbros | 2 |
post | fsya3o | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,741,731 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsya3o/whats_a_mexicans_favourite_sport/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What’s a Mexicans favourite sport? | 0 |
post | fsy8va | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,741,582 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy8va/flat_earth_organization/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Flat Earth Organization | 0 |
post | fsy8i2 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,741,536 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy8i2/click_here_for_an_original_joke/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Click here for an original joke | 1 |
post | fsy5c1 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,741,121 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy5c1/an_raf_pilot_is_training_in_scotland/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | An RAF pilot is training in Scotland. | 0 |
post | fsy43b | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,740,971 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy43b/this_morning_my_wife_walks_into_the_kitchen_as_i/ | self.jokes | null | Wife in a very excited tone: "Babe! Babe! I'm pregnant you're going to be a father!"
Me: "Ha! Can't fool me it's April Fools Day!"
Wife: "Haha, got me, you're not the father." | This morning my wife walk's into the kitchen as I am fixing my morning coffee. | 5 |
post | fsy3cb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,740,862 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy3cb/wedding/ | self.jokes | null | The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
"Dear Friends, we didn't mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback. But I swear by God Almighty, I'm going to kill whoever put novocaine in the condom!" | Wedding | 15 |
post | fsy2ie | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,740,748 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy2ie/im_tired_of_not_having_sex_the_past_20_days/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | I’m tired of not having sex the past 20 days because of this quarantine | 3 |
post | fsy03h | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,740,446 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsy03h/its_radioactive_man/ | self.jokes | null | "Up and atom!" | It's Radioactive Man | 3 |
post | fsxyhb | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,740,237 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxyhb/yesterday_my_wife_and_i_went_to_the_hospital_so/ | self.jokes | null | [deleted] | Yesterday, my wife and I went to the hospital so she could give birth to our child... | 657 |
post | fsxx82 | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,740,067 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxx82/mickey_mouse_wakes_up_on_a_snowy_day_and_looks/ | self.jokes | null | He looks down and sees, "Mickey sucks" written in the snow in piss. He looks up and sees two people running away. So he calls the cops.
After an investigation, a detective says to Mickey, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is we found out it was Goofy's urine. The bad news is, it was Minnie's hand writing. " | Mickey Mouse wakes up on a snowy day and looks out his window. | 7 |
post | fsxwoz | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,739,996 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxwoz/what_did_the_policeman_say_to_an_armless_guy/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | What did the policeman say to an armless guy? | 0 |
post | fsxvyp | 2qh72 | jokes | false | 1,585,739,898 | https://old.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/fsxvyp/once_my_wife_farted_and_she_put_the/ | self.jokes | null | [removed] | Once my wife farted and she put the..... | 0 |