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[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.There is a merger in the works involving Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with the Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.Others in the works:3M & Goodyear = mmmGoodJohn Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere AbiHoneywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm HomeDenison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney OperaGrey Poupon + Dockers Pants = Poupon PantsKnott's Berry Farm + National Organization of Women = Knott NOWCrabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab AppleSwissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = SwisscheeseZippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Music\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A woman always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the BMW dealer, and plops down several years of income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced dream mobile.She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up.Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio. He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants.He demonstrates:\"Classical,\" he says. \"click\" The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.\"Blues,\" she says, and \"click\" a B.B. King classic plays.She drives off amazed.\"Country,\" she says, and \"click\" a Garth Brooks tune comes on.\"Folk\" and \"click\" Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down.\"New Age\" and \"click\" Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on.She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road.Another driver runs a light and cuts her off. \"JERK!!!\" she screams. \"click\" \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The boss called in his star salesman and said, \"I notice on your last expense report you entered '$50 for women' I don't really mind you having a good time and entertaining our clients, but you should be more discreet. From now on list those expenses as being for hunting.\" After that, the salesman's expense account regularly included items of \"$50 for hunting.\" But then one month the first entry read, \"$300 for cleaning rifle.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: When does a person decide to become an engineer?A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.Q: What do engineers use for birth control?A: Their personalities.Q: How can you tell an extroverted engineer?A: When he talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of his own.Q: Why did the engineers cross the road?A: Because they looked in the file and that's what they did last year.Q: How do you drive an engineer completely insane?A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him, and fold a road map the wrong way." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Dear Bill, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter. Sincerely, Your future father-in-law P.S. Congratulations on winning the Lottery !!!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top 13 best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 13. \"They told me at the blood bank this might happen.\" 12. \"This is just a 15 minute power-nap that they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.\" 11. \"Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper\" 10. \"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!\" 9. \"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!\" 8. \"I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.\" 7. \"I was actually doing a \"Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan\" (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.\" 6. \"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?\" 5. \"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.\" 4. \"The coffee machine is broken . . . \" 3. \"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!\" 2. \"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.\" And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1. \"Amen\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The young reporter covering Isreali politics took an apartment within sight of the Wailing Wall. Each day she would watch the faithful pray.One rabbi in particular stood out, so fervent were his prayers.One evening she approached him;\"Rabbi, I'm a reporter from America, from my window, each day, I see you pray in the morning and evening at this wall faithfully and with great zeal. How long have you been doing this?\"\"I pray at the wall, twice a day for 30 years.\" was the reply.\"Tell me Rabbi, what is it that you pray for?\"\"I pray at the wall for peace. Peace of mind, peace among nations, peace among families, peace among friends, peace among all people. Each day, twice a day, I come to the wall and I pray.\" \"Tell me Rabbi, when you pray, are your prayers answered?\"What are you kidding? It's like talking to a wall!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.One old lady turns to the other and asks, \"Do you still get horny?\"The other replies, \"Oh, sure I do.\"The first old lady asks, \"What do you do about it?\"The second old lady replies, \"I suck a lifesaver.\"After a few moments, the first old lady asks, \"Who drives you to the beach?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "DR. SEUSS EXPLAINS COMPUTERSIf a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.Quickly turn off the computer. . . . and be sure to tell your mom." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest.Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.The blondes applauded." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A US Commerce Department Employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp. \"This will look nice on my mantelpiece,\" he decides, and takes it home with him.While polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes. \"I wish for an ice cold diet Pepsi right now!\"He gets his Pepsi and drinks it.Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.\"I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.\" Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.He eagerly gives the genie his third and final wish: \"I wish I'd never have to work ever again.\"POOF! He's back in his government office." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "WHY AIRPLANES ARE BETTER THAN WOMENl. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.7. Airplanes come with manuals.8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her \"no.\" The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, \"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset.It won't be long.\"He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, \"There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.\"The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, \"Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.\"The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. \"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen...\" The mother broke in, \"My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.\"Of course, my son,\" said the priest.\"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.\"\"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,\" said the priest.\"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,\" continued the old man.\"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,\" said the priest.\"Thanks, Father,\" said the old man.\"That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?\"\"Of course,my son,\" said the priest.The old man asked, \"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "\"My wife dresses to kill.She cooks the same way.\" ...Henny Youngman \"My wife and I were happy for twenty years.Then we met.\" ...Rodney Dangerfield \"I was married by a judge.I should have asked for a jury.\" ...George Burns" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Mr. Jones was sued by a Mrs. Johnson for defamation of character.She charged that he had called her a pig.Mr. Jones was indeed found guilty and fined.After the trial he asked the judge, \"Your Honor, this means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?\"The judge said that was true.\"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?\" the man asked.The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.Mr. Jones grinned, looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, \"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Secret Service has added a $1M security system to the President and Hillary's new home in suburban New York. The security system includes bullet proof windows, flood lights, and an alarm that goes off whenever Hillary's on her way home." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Ethnic Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There are many stories related to the sinking of the \"Titanic\". Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The \"Titanic\" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "IF OPERATING SYSTEMS WERE THE AIRLINES UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport.They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off.After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline.They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves.They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html.Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful.You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, \"You had to do what with the seat?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Three convicts were on the way to prison.They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars.On the bus, one turned to another and said, \"So, what did you bring?\" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could.He wanted to become the \"Grandma Moses of Jail.\" Then he asked the first, \"What did you bring?\" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, \"I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games.\" The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, \"Why are you so smug?What did you bring?\" The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled.\"I brought these.\" The other two were puzzled and asked, \"What can you do with those?\" He grinned and pointed to the box and said, \"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, \"May the force be with y'all.\" ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage. ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O. ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. ==> Your father has ever said to you, \"Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot.\" ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. ==> If you hear . . . \"Luke, I am your father...and your uncle\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, \"When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.\"So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.He proceed to talk up a storm.Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp it.2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.4.Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.5.Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.6.We do not refer to Jesus as the late J.C.7.The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.8.David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.9.When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.10. We do not refer to the Cross as the Big T!11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, \"Take this and eat it, for it is my body\", he did not say, \"Eat Me\".12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as, \"Mary with the Cherry\".13. The reccommended grace before a meal is not: \"Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!\"14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Judi is explaining to Monika the bad day she'd had at work.Judi's boss had suffered a heart attack and died.Monika said, \"How horrible!What did you do?\" Judi shook her head.\"There was nothing I *could* do.He kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldn't tell me the rest of the numbers!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Top Ten Signs Your Dog Doesn't Like Your Husband:1. Your dog keeps running away, but you alwaysknow where to find him: In front of your ex-boyfriend's door.2. He brings your husband his slippers and he brings you the car keys.3. He eats a load full of grass in the backyard, comes back in the house and waits by your husband's shoes.4. When he eats his dogfood, he gags everytime your husband walks past him.5. After your wedding, your dog played dead for a week.6. You notice that all the other dogs in the neighborhood keep giving your husband dirty looks.7. When he's supposed to bring your husband the paper, the only part he brings are the \"apartments for rent.\" 8. When your husband walks the dog, your dog tries to drag him to another neighborhood.9. When you come home, your dog comes running over to greet you. When your husband comes home, the dog sits down and starts scraping his butt along the carpeted floor.10. Your husband's cat has been missing for days." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet.\"Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it.\"He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,\"Wait, I have an easier way.\"He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,\"Have you seen my toy poodle?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, \"Hello?\"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, \"Is your Daddy home?\".\"Yes.\", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?\", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, \"Is your Mommy there?\".\"Yes.\", came the answer.\"May I talk with her?\".Again the small voice whispered, \"No.\"Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.\"Is there any one there besides you?\", the boss asked the child.\"Yes\", whispered the child, \"A policeman.\"Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \"May I speak with the policeman?\".\"No, he's busy.\", whispered the child.\"Busy doing what?\", asked the boss.\"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.\", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, \"What is that noise?\".\"A hello-copper.\", answered the whispering voice.\"What is going on there?\", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, \"The search team just landed the hello-copper!\"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, \"Why are they there?\"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, \"They're looking for me!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"State Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.\"This\", he said, \"is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it\".At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. \"Where is my father\"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words \"Fishing off Florida\". Clever Dick laughed.\"Actually\", he said, \"my father is dead\"!It had been a tricky question!!The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, \"Where ismy mother's husband\"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:\"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner, \"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!\"\"Yes, I'm amazed also,\" came the reply. \"He hated the book.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two men held up a bank.They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, \"Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?\"One of the robbers said, \"What's on your mind, pal?\"\"Would you mind taking the books, too?I'm five thousand short.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, \"Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?\"The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, \"Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next of kin first!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!\" and sat down at the back.The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, \"Big John doesn't pay!,\" the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, \"And why not?\"With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, \"Big John has a bus pass.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. \"Look,\" said the customer, \"I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?\" \"Sure\", said the bartender, and he did. \"Now,\" said the customer, \"I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.\" \"Certainly.\" And it was done. \"If,\" said the armless man, \"you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer.\" The bartender got it. \"You've been very kind,\" said the customer. \"Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?\" \"Out the door,\" said the bartender, \"turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft.\"Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'\" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, \"because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.\"\"You've got it all wrong, Major,\" an Air Force sergeant replied.\"The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Science\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy went into a bookshop and asked the salesgirl if she had a book called, \"How to Master Your Wife.\"The salesgirl said, \"Our science fiction section is upstairs.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The counselor at the \"magnet\" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started.\"Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts \"RUN! RUN!!\"Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, \"What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?\" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts \"RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!\" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, \"WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are recruiting workers.The next day, two groups of workers show up. A crew of five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.The company cannot decide whom to give the job to, so they give them a test. The company boss says, \"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it in first, they will get the job.\"Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking out the back.A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.\"YAY!!\" they shout. \"We came back first, we get the job!!\"\"Good work, men,\" says the boss, \"However, we must wait until the other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down.\"\"Fine, no problem,\" say the men.An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the Blonde crew arrives. The entire group is flushed and breathing hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.\"What happened to you? What took so long?\" asks the boss incredulously.\"What do you mean, 'what took so long? Do we get the job?\"\"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!\"\"Well, of course they were,\" say the blondes. \"They only put the pole in halfway!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Quasimodo goes to his Parisian Cathedral doctor for his annual checkup.\"I think something is wrong with your back,\" the doctor says.\"Why do you say that?\" asks Quasimodo.\"I don't know,\" the doctor replies. \"It's just a hunch.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, \"This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'\" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; \"Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress\". The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! \"You bloody fool!\" he cried, \"You have ruined me!\" The actor was bewildered, \"What happened, did I forget my line?\" He asked.\"No!\" the director screamed, \"You Idiot! you forgot the damn rose!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Father O’Grady is standing at the door after Sunday Mass, when Mary Clancy comes up to him, tears rolling down her face.\"Oh Father,\" she cries, \"I have terrible news!\"\"What is it my child?\" She says,\"My husband died last night.\"\"Oh Mary,\" says the priest, \"That’s terrible news. But tell me- did he have any last requests?\"\"Yes he did, Father.\"\"And what exactly did he ask, Mary?\"\"He said ‘Please, Mary. Put the gun down.’\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Remembering the Quips of Groucho Marx...Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?Room service? Send up a larger room.Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you... He really is an idiot.I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood. \"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten.\" he pleaded.The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague: \"You know the person that did this really needs help.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby.\"You know, \" says Sadie, \"I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?\"\"No,\" says Esther, \"I think we had Allstate.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When President Jaques Chirac retired from public life, the Australian ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honour. At the dinner table Carla Zampatti was talking with Madame Chirac. \"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?\" \"A penis,\" replied Madame Chirac. A shocked hush fell over the table.Everyone heard her answer ... and no one knew what to say next! Jaques Chirac leaned over to his wife and helped. \"Ma cherie,\" he said. \"I believe ze Australians pronounce zat word, 'Happiness!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies.One was Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other was Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far from the convent.SL: Do you notice a man's been following us?SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.SL: It's logical.He wants to rape us.SM: Oh, no!At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes.What should we do?SL: The only logical thing is to walk faster.SM: It's not working.SL: Of course not.The man did the obvious thing and started walking faster, too.SM: What should we do?At this rate he will reach us in one minute.SL: The only logical is to split.You go that way and I'll go this way.He can't follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical.Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and became worried that Sister Logical hadn't arrived.Finally, Sister Logical arrives.SM: Sister Logical!Thank God you are here!Tell me what happened!SL: The only logical thing happened.The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me.SM: So, what happened?Please tell me.SL: The only logical thing to happen.I started to run as fast as I could.SM: Then what happened?SL: The only logical thing to happen.The man also started to run as fast as he could.SM: And what else?SL: The only logical thing to happen.He reached me.SM: Oh, no! What did you do then?SL: The only logical thing to do.I lifted my dress up.SM: Oh, Sister.What did the man do?SL: The only logical thing to do.He pulled down his pants.SM: Oh, no!What happened then?SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?A nun with her dress up can run faster than aman with his pants down.(And you thought this might be a dirty story! Shame on you.Say two Hail Mary's." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Man goes to see the Rabbi.\"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.\"The Rabbi asked, \"What's wrong?\"The man replied, \"My wife is poisoning me.\"The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, \"How can that be?\"The man then pleads, \"I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?\"The Rabbi then offers, \"Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.\"A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, \"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?\"The man anxiously says, \"Yes.\"\"Take the poison,\" says the Rabbi." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The plumber presented his customer, a lawyer, with a bill charging rates of $500 an hour. The lawyer was outraged, saying \"I don't even make that kind of money - doesn't that seem a bit steep?\" The plumber replied, \"That's what I thought, when I was a lawyer.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, \"You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.\" With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment,\"Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, \"No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day, Clinton called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office.He was furious and said, \"Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!\"\"Yes Sir, Mr. President,\" the interior decorator replied,\"I'll take those mirrors out right away!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.\"\"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\"The lawyer looked confused... \"How do you start a flood?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, \"I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?\" St. Peter replied, \"Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Hey, did you hear that OJ is starting a limo service?A: Yeah, he guarantees that he'll get you there with plenty of time to kill.Q: Did you hear about Delta Burke's tragic suicide attempt?A: She tried to harpoon herself." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog. When asked why by her former employer, she answered: \"I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. \"Hmmm.,\" he thought, \"I'll get to the bottom of this in no time.\"He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.\"Yep, it's working,\" he concluded.The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, \"The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest. First mother says, \"My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him 'Good morning, Monsignor.'\"Second mother says, \"Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Grace.'\"Third mother says, \"Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'\"The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, \"My son is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room, people greet him 'Oh, My God!'\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Once in a land far, far away there lived a group of people called Trids. The Trids were happy except for the huge ogre that lived on the mountain. The ogre would periodically terrorize the Trids.The Trids tired of the ogre and sought to reason with him.They thought one of their religious leaders would be a good intermediary.So a group of Trids and their minister went up the mountain and before they could even say one word the ogre kicked them down the mountain. Not being dismayed the Trids thought that maybe the ogre was Catholic, so they sent another delagation, this time led by the local priest.But alas, as they approached the ogre he once again kicked them all down the mountain.The Trids were upset until they thought that perhaps the ogre was Jewish. Unfortunately, no Trids were Jewish, so they wrote to the people of another land and asked them to send a Rabbi to help them with the ogre.The Rabbi arrived and led a delegation of Trids up the mountain.The ogre saw them coming and kicked all of them, except for the Rabbi, down the mountain.The Rabbi, having been told of the previous expeditions, wondered why he alone had not been kicked down the mountain, so he asked the ogre.The ogre laughed and replied:\"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, \"Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Crazy Jokes\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Here are a few new perspectives through which to look at life!1. Follow your dream!Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.2. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.Do not walk ahead of me, for Imay not follow.Do not walk beside me, either.Just leave me alone.3. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.4. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.5. It's always darkest before the dawn.So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.6. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.7. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the Whatever group.8. Into every life some rain must fall.Usually when your car windows are down.9. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. (try to avoid doing this to guys over 6'5\", because they can turn your body into an accordion Jershie :)10. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting your mother-in-law stay over.11. It's a small world.So you have to use your elbows a lot.12. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.13. Love is like a roller coaster. When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.14. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!(silence)Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Children\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Sayings According To First GradersA first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:Better to be safe than .... punch a 5th graderStrike while the ... bug is close.It's always darkest before ... daylight savings timeNever underestimate the power of ... termites.You can lead a horse to water but ... how?Don't bite the hand that ... looks dirty.No news is ... impossible.A miss is as good as a ... Mrs.You can't teach an old dog ... math.If you lie down with dogs, you ... will stink in the morning.Love all, trust ... me.The pen is mightier than ... the pigs.An idle mind is ... the best way to relax.Where there is smoke, there's ... pollution.Happy is the bride who ... gets all the presents.A penny saved is ... not much.Two is company, three's ... The Musketeers.None are so blind as ... Helen Keller.Children should be seen and not ... spanked or grounded.If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries.You get out of something what you ... see pictured on the box.When the blind lead the blind ... get out of the way.There is no fool like ... Aunt Edie.Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and ... you have to blow your nose." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support:Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I create a New Document window?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?A: Pick it up and shake it.Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?A: Don't shake it." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.\"Now, class, closely observe the worms,\" said the professor while putting a worm into the water.The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.\"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?\" the professor asked.Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, \"Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Money\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "There were two men who played golf together frequently. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player was very proud, and never wanted to take any strokes to even up the game.One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee. He says to his friend, \"I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm about ready to give up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if you're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I figure comes to about a thousand bucks. Are you willing?\"The other guy thought about it for a minute, and then decided to play the gorilla. \"After all, how good could a gorilla be at golf?\" he thought.Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards. The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green. The gorilla takes a few powerful practice swings and then laces the ball 450 yards, right at the pin, stopping about 6 inches away from the hole.The guy turns to his friend and says \"That's incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got no interest in being totally humiliated by this gorilla golfing machine. You send this frigging gorilla back to where he comes from. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write you a check.\"After handing over the check, and well into his second double the guy asks, \"By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?\"The other guy replies, \"Same as his driving.\"\"That good, huh?\"\"No, I mean, he hits putts the same way - 450 yards, right down the middle!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: What do you get when you cross a fly with an elephant?A: A zipper that never forgets.Q: Where does virgin wool come from?A: Ugly sheep.Q: How do you tell when a moth farts?A: It flies in a straight line." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Political\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.Both Presidents were shot in the head.Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.Both were assassinated by Southerners.Both were succeeded by Southerners.Both successors were named Johnson.Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.Both assassins were known by their three names.Both names are composed of fifteen letters.Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.And here's the kicker...A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A worried Father asked his daughter if her latest beau was serious about their relationship.\"I'll say he is Daddy.\" responded the girl.\"Just last nite he asked me how much you make, what kind of meals Mom serves and if you two are easy to get along with.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, \"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.\"The Irishman replies, \"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and one for me self.\"The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, \"I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.\"The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.\"Oh, no. Everyone's fine,\" He explains, \"It's just that I joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Farmer John was taking his cow and it's new born calf to sell in the auction. On the way farmer John got robbed by thieves, who beat him up, stripped him of his clothes and tied him to a tree. Then taking the mother cow and John's clothes, the thieves escaped. They, however left the new born calf behind.Poor farmer John suffered as for two days, he stood tied to a tree, stark naked and hungry. Fortunately, on the third day, some neighbors happened to pass by. They recognized John and untied him. When they did, farmer John picked up a huge stick and started bashing the calf with it.\"Why are you thrashing the poor calf?, his neighbors asked? To which farmer John replied, \"I had to tell this beast for the past two days repeatedly that I am not your mother!, I am not your mother .......!!!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news. He said \"Well, give me the good news first.\" She said \"The good news is that the air bag works.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, \"You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?\"The Lord sighed, and said, \"No, I guess not.\"Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, \"Why did you let him do that?\"The Lord smiled and replied, \"Who's he going to tell?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.Finally his exasperated partner says, \"What the hell is taking so long? Hit the goddamn ball!\"The guy answers, \"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.\"\"Well, hell, man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, \"Do you serve lawyers here?\".\"Sure do,\" replied the bartender.\"Good,\" said the man. \"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.She looks the man up and down and says, I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!\" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, \"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth.The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!\"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever,\" he thought.So he took the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur.Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he snuck inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.\"Did you hear that Fluffy died?\" the neighbor asked.\"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?\" Chris mumbled.The neighbor replied: \"We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.\"$10 for 3 minutes,\" replied the pilot.\"That's too much,\" said the farmer.The pilot thought for a second and then said, \"I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10.\"The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, \"I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.\"\"Maybe so,\" said the farmer, \"But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A Swede, a Norwegian and a Dane are caught in a snowstorm on the side of a mountain. They stumble across a cave and decide to take shelter.On entering they are greeted by an awful stench which, on inspection, turns out to come from a half-dead goat which has taken refuge in the cave.The three of them debate what to do and the Norwegian agrees to go in first. Five minutes later he staggers out sick with nausea and collapses.Then the Dane goes in and, ten minutes later crawls out and expires.Finally the Swede goes in and, fifteen minutes later.. the goat comes out." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Business\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, \"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?\"Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, \"My lawyer.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. \"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,\" said the man. \"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.\"The son-in-law interrupted, \"I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.\"\"I see,\" replied the father-in-law. \"Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.\"\"I hate office work,\" said the son-on-law. \"I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.\"\"Wait a minute,\" said the father-in-law. \"I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?\"\"Easy,\" said the young man. \"Buy me out.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,\"Dad, can I have a car?\" The preacher replies,\", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut.\" Then his son says,\"Dad, Jesus had long hair.\" \"Yeah but he walked everywhere.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. \"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce\", the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000.Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, \"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest.\" The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away.\"Wait sir,\" the loan officer said, \"while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?The man smiled. \"Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The following is a status report from a business unit to their Y2K coordinator.\"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change.We are proud to report that we have completed the \"Y-to-K\" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, Decemberand:Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, SaturdakI trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00? We'll await your direction.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, \"I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can.\"The professor said \"I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back.\"The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.The driver said, \"I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Q: Why are the Spice Girls on the pill?A: So they can figure out what day it is.Q: What do you call a fly buzzing around inside a Spice Girl's head?A: space invader.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with half a brain?A: Gifted.Q: What do you see if you look into a Spice Girl's eyes?A: The back of her head." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "After a lengthy conference with the estranged husband, the lawyer reported to his client. \"Mrs. LaMay, I have succeeded in making a settlement with your husband that is eminently fair to both of you.\"\"Fair to both!\" exploded Mrs. LaMay. \"I could have done that myself. What the hell do you think I hired a lawyer for?\"-*-After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, \"I wish they'd be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: \"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.\"\"Now,\" he concluded, \"which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, \"Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?\"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. \"I can't,dear,\" she said. \"I have to sleep in Daddy's room.\"A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:\"The big sissy.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, \"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.\"The gentleman replied, \"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said \"I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice \"I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff.\"Why\", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said \"up here we work by results.\"St. Peter said \"While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "An English professor wrote the words, \"Woman without her man is nothing\" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.The men wrote: \"Woman, without her man, is nothing.\"The women wrote: \"Woman! Without her, man is nothing.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, \"You're lying!\".The other politician responded, \"I know, but hear me out.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, \"medium.\"Then the waiter said, \"how about your vegetable?\"Hillary replied, \"Oh, he can order for himself.\"" } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, \"s\" will be used instead of the soft \"c\". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard \"c\" will be replaced with \"k.\" Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome \"ph\" will be replaced by \"f\". This will make words like \"fotograf\" 20 per sent shorter.In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent \"e\"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing \"th\" by \"z\" and \"W\" by \"V\". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary \"o\" kan be dropd from vords kontaining \"ou\", and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru." } ]

[ { "from": "system", "value": "You are a joke writer" }, { "from": "human", "value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke" }, { "from": "gpt", "value": "A priest went to buy a parrot.\"Are you sure it doesn't swear?\" asked the priest.\"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot,\" the storekeeper assured him. \"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left, he recites the 23rd Psalm.\"\"Wonderful!\" said the priest, \"but what happens if you pull both strings?\"\"I'll fall off my friggin' perch, you idiot!\" screeched the parrot." } ]