 
## Contents

Title Page

Dedication and Acknowledgements

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

About the Author

Notes
Collecting

Smiles

by

Melody Burris
Copyright © 2013 Melody Burris. All Rights Reserved. Smashwords Edition.

ISBN: 9781311309624

Dedicated to my Michael, who wonderfully supports me in all I do and makes my world a place of dreams.

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to all of my friends who have read the various drafts of this book and have helped with the editing. Also, I want to express special appreciation to all the families I have met who have chosen adoption. Your stories and your families inspire me and give me hope for a better world.
Chapter 1

My name is Megan Johnson and I collect smiles, not the 'here's your change, have a nice day' kind of smiles, but real face brightening smiles. I'm not really sure when I started collecting. I can remember as a little girl telling my mom to smile when she was looking sad. I can remember trying to make my brothers laugh when they fell and scraped their knees. I can even remember practicing my smile in the bathroom mirror – both with and without my mom's lipstick.

Why smiles? Because they are happy things, and who doesn't love happy? My fellow collector, and all around best friend, Spencer and I started keeping a weekly tally about six years ago. It became a contest, really, with each of us trying to generate the most smiles for our collections. As a rule, we don't count our own smiles unless something really big happens.

My journal, which I'm not very good at writing in, contains each week's totals from both of us for at least the last four years. Sometimes I like to go back and look at it when I'm feeling down. I can't always remember the circumstances but there are a few weeks of really high or really low tallies that stand out.

One particular week I will never forget. It was the very first week I was in the hospital for my cancer treatments. I must have looked awful because no matter what I said or did, no one would give me a genuine smile. I remember how that discouraged me more than the pain or gloomy room. One night as I was finding it hard to sleep I flipped through the limited television channels looking for a distraction. I stopped at an old favorite from when I was little, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood. There was something comforting about its familiar music and his calm voice. I'd been surrounded by calm voices, lately everyone had taken to talking to me in hushed tones, but his was more than calm; it was happy. I watched for a few minutes and then as if it were just for me the camera zoomed in on his face and he smiled a real face lightening smile. It cheered me up so much. I recorded it as a half point in my journal because it seemed like cheating to give it full credit.

This week I'm not really sure I want to count all 136 smiles I've received, because again it seems like cheating. Everyone smiles at you the first couple of weeks of school. You know the smiles I mean, the 'oh, someone new, I should leave a good impression' kind. Jackie my roommate was a master at bringing these smiles out in people, so if I was with her it was all dimples and teeth and nice to meet you. She seemed to bounce her way through life and though she claimed to be shy, I hadn't seen it yet. The first weekend we'd baked bread to take to all of our neighbors. I counted those smiles because even though Jackie did all the baking, I washed the dishes afterwards.

Now she was making enough spaghetti to feed an army and I wasn't even a troop. I watched her brush her hair out of her eyes with the back of her hand as she stirred her homemade sauce on the stove. She looked so domestic, kind of like a mom standing there in her pink apron. I took the hair scrunchie that I always wore on my wrist just in case and pulled her hair back for her.

"Oh! Thanks, Megan." This smile I could count.

"No problem, Jackie, but who's going to eat all of this?"

"It's not that much. We'll just have leftovers."

"Yeah, leftovers for a week. When are Kristen and Melissa due back?"

"I don't think until late tonight."

"Right, okay I'll be right back to set the table. You keep cooking."

The apartment complex we lived in had four buildings. Two of the buildings housed girls, and the other two were for the boys. I knew from experience that when it came to large quantities of food, nothing beat boys. With purpose, I set off across the parking lot to the first stairwell of building D. I loved Jackie's cooking but I was not going to eat leftover spaghetti for a week.

There was no answer at the first door I knocked on so I climbed the stairs and tried again. This time before the door even opened, I knew someone was home because I could hear the television. The door edged open a little and a tanned, freckled face peeped out.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, my name is Megan and I live across the way in building A. I was wondering if you and your roommates would like to come over for dinner."

"Umm... come in." He opened the door wide enough for me to pass inside. The apartment was a mirror image of ours even down to the furniture, which the complex must have ordered in bulk. The one big difference was the TV in the corner. It was blaring ESPN and the guy seated on the edge of the couch was glued. "Nathan, this is Megan." Nathan glanced up and gave a halfhearted wave before redirecting his eyes to the game.

"Hi, Nathan."

"Wait here. I'll go get the others."

I wondered over to the sofa and sat down without an invitation. I doubted Nathan was much for manners. I studied the side of his face looking for any clue as to how I might win a smile from him. I suspected he was a hard nut to crack, but with time, I felt up to the challenge. With his close cropped hair and his soccer obsession, he reminded me a lot of my brother, Matt.

"Megan, is it?" I stood looking at the two guys that were standing near the hall. A familiar face with sandy blond hair greeted me. I was not sure how to count the smile, I suspected it was one of those first meeting kind. "I understand you bring an invitation."

"My roommate Jackie and I are in need of some assistance. You would really be helping us out if you guys came to dinner. We have an issue with portion control at our place, and I'm not overly fond of leftovers."

Smirks are good, but they don't count. "Sounds great. What do you say, Mark?" The tall, floppy haired guy next to Andy smiled politely, but seemed distracted.

"I guess so. Thanks, Megan. I just need to send a text first." He pulled his phone out of his pocket and headed back down the hall to his room. Andy smirked again and shook his head affectionately at his roommate.

"Well, that's two so far. How about you, John, shall we dine with the ladies?"

John shrugged an approval then looked down at the floor. A smile from this one may be completely out of my depth. He was obviously very shy, the way Jackie insisted she was but only real.

I looked over at Nathan who seemed oblivious to what was happening around him. "What about you?" I tried to call out during a lull in the game.

"Don't worry about Nathan. He'll be there. I guess that makes all of us. You may count on four for dinner."

"Great, give us about 20 minutes. We are in apartment 7A. See you soon."

I was feeling pretty proud of myself as I walked into my apartment. Ours smelled so homey and was brighter than D41 had been. Jackie would be so happy that we were having guests. I snuck up behind her as she was draining the pasta. She only jumped a little when I clamped my hand down on her shoulder, but the pan clanged into the sink.

"Oh! You scared me!"

"Sorry, but I have good news. We are having guests for dinner."

"Well it's kind of short notice, but there's plenty. Who is it, A11, or B24? Did you invite Rachel?"

"Nope, it's D41."

"D41? But that's the boys' dorms." I watched as terror slowly spread across her face. It was kind of amazing to see the expression creep into place and then freeze.

"Jackie, what's wrong?"

"You invited boys?"

"Is that a problem? I just figured they were the best choice given the amount of spaghetti you made."

"But I can't talk to boys." She bit at her lip while she yanked at the ties of her apron. "I've got to change, do my makeup and my hair. When are they coming?"

"In about 15 minutes."

"Fifteen minutes?" She dashed down the hall and called over her shoulder. "You can finish the salad and set the table. Don't forget the placemats."

I was used to Jackie overreacting but this was a bit much, even for her. I got out the treasured powder blue placemats she'd made for a young women's project and paid strict attention to my place settings. I was more of a paper plate kind of girl but it was important to Jackie, and I had apparently caused her some distress. I thought back over the last couple of weeks with her and all of our trips around to meet people. She was usually so outgoing and then it hit me, all those visits had been to girls. Was she really not able to talk to boys? Between her, Nathan, and John, dinner should be interesting. Maybe I would have to pull out my silly jokes to keep things going.

The doorbell rang as I was putting the salad on the table. Jackie hurried down the hall and paused casually near the kitchen counter. Well, she tried for casual but her fidgeting hands gave her away. I gave her an encouraging smile and opened the door. They all filed in and I turned to introduce them to Jackie but she was no longer there. I found her by the sink filling up glasses with water.

"Jackie, this is Andy, John, Nathan, and Mark. Guys, this is Jackie, my roommate and the cook."

Andy stepped forward and offered his hand to shake but Jackie panicked and handed him the glass of water in her hand instead. "Thank you. Do you need help with anything else?" I had to give him full marks for effort. He was a bit formal, but definitely nice.

"Um... no. I've got it." Jackie gave him a small smile that showed just the start of one dimple on her right cheek and turned for more glasses.

"Have a seat. We should have everything on the table soon." I said, then followed Jackie into the kitchen. "You're doing fine, just take a deep breath and let's go."

Jackie nodded and fixed a smile on her face that couldn't have looked more fake if she was a mannequin.

After the prayer, we were off to a rocky start. Nathan began to shovel spaghetti in his mouth in a spot-on impersonation of my brother, Drew. Jackie stared at her plate and kept adjusting the napkin in her lap.

"Does anyone know why when birds fly south one of the legs of the V is longer than the other?"

Everyone turned their eyes to me and I smiled wickedly. Someone had given me a book of nonsense jokes while I was in the hospital. In my boredom, I'd memorized them all in just a couple of days. One of my favorite things about these kinds of jokes were the groans they induced. I should probably start collecting those too, they can be just as fun as smiles. Nathan seemed to be pondering a solution and the look of frustration on his face made me laugh. Mark beamed at me through his dark lashes, amusement apparent on his face. I counted it.

"So what's the answer?" Jackie asked.

"Do you give up?"

"No!" Nathan blurted out. He tapped his fingers on the table in a rapid rhythm.

"Come on, Nathan. You'll never get it, just let her tell us." Andy was watching me as if I might steal second base.

"Fine. What's the answer?"

I paused a moment waiting to savor the groans. "Because there are more birds on that side."

I was not disappointed.

By the end of dinner, Jackie seemed to be feeling better. Andy and Mark were both really good at making conversation. Originally, we'd fallen back on the basics like where we were from and what our majors were, but eventually we got some more interesting facts.

I felt a little forgetful when it came out that Andy was the new Elder's Quorum President for our ward. No wonder he'd looked familiar. Mark and Andy had also been mission companions in Atlanta. You could tell they were close. John was a man of few words and most of them were monosyllable but I suspect that was mostly to hide his Texas accent.

When phone numbers were exchanged, plans made for the next day, and the dishes done, Jackie went screaming through the house. "I can't believe you did that." She paused long enough to put her hands on my shoulders and look me in the eyes. "I thought I was going to die. But they are so sweet and cute." She jumped up and down still holding my shoulders. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Then she smiled and I counted it.

I called Mom the next morning just to hear her voice. I'd missed her this week. "Megan, your timing is perfect. I'm just sitting here at Kelly's dance practice."

My little sister was very graceful and had quite the talent for ballet. Mom was amused that they had tried a modern dance piece this time and Kelly wasn't sure she wanted to wiggle her hips the way the other girls did. "I'm proud of her modesty," Mom said before she switched subjects. "Megan, I've been wondering when your test results are coming back. Did Dr. Swenson tell you when to expect them? They usually don't take this long."

Oh, no. I was hoping she had forgotten about that. "No, I didn't actually go to the appointment," I said weakly.

"What!" Mom was not happy. I jumped in to defend myself before she got too angry.

"Mom, I wasn't able to get off work that day. They really needed me. It's no big deal. I feel fine."

Mom was taking deep breaths, deep cleansing breaths like the ones you take to avoid yelling at someone and then you do it anyway. It was the same breathing exercise I had seen her do many times when dealing with my twin brothers, Matt and Drew.

"Megan, I understand that you hate these appointments, but you know that they are important." She sighed, "It would have been better if you had seen Dr. Swenson, but I guess it is time you established yourself with a doctor there. Normally, I would trust you to make these kinds of arrangements, but since it is clear that you do not want to do this ... I will take care of it."

"Okay, Mom. I need to go now. I have homework. Bye." I hung up the phone, feeling guilty for missing the appointment and also for lying about the homework. I just didn't want to talk to her anymore. I didn't want to talk about that. Why did this have to be such a big deal?

I spent the better part of the next afternoon helping my roommates pick out their clothes. Jackie was kind of a lost cause with all the pink in her closet so we gathered all the dark shirts and pants we could find and threw them on my bed. Melissa was excited to meet the guys that Jackie had been gushing about all day. Kristen thought it might be fun, but since she had a steady boyfriend, she wasn't all that interested in the prospects in D41.

* * *

When the boys showed up at 8:35, they were decked out for the occasion. Nathan was especially prepared, dressed in black from head to toe. I thought the knit cap was a nice touch but he did look like a bank robber. Andy stood out because of his conspicuous use of cologne. He must have had the same dilemma Jackie and Melissa did. He smelled nice but it was a bit strong; he would be easy to track in the dark.

Mark apologized for making everyone late and explained that his phone call home had run a little long. None of the other girls seemed inclined to chastise him for it and I couldn't fault them - with his curly dark hair and endearing smile there was little to dislike.

"Is something up?" I asked.

"Not really. My brother, Christian, just needed some help with his homework." That was nice. I wondered if my brothers would be that nice if I called them for things like that.

Kristen took charge and introduced herself and Melissa. This started a round of introductions that included much of the information from last night. The girls of course already knew all these details from Jackie's briefing earlier, but the guys didn't need to know that.

"We should go before it gets too late," Nathan said. We were led out to Nathan's and Andy's little cars. Andy gestured for me to get into his car and I climbed into the front passenger seat. I looked in the backseat and immediately felt guilty because Mark was sitting with his knees almost to his chest.

"Do you want the front seat? You look uncomfortable."

"No, I'm fine. It's a short ride." He smiled at me, it was a nice smile, but I didn't count it because he still looked so awkward and uncomfortable.

There were lots of big bushes and trees at the park. We huddled together to quickly review the rules for sardine hide and seek. Once everyone knew what they were doing, we all closed our eyes and John sneaked off quietly to hide.

One hundred counts later, we split up to look for him. I went to the right towards a pair of large bushes that were barely visible in the dark. Just before I reached the first bush, I looked back toward the others. Jackie was coming in my direction too, only she was aiming toward the farther bush. I could see three other outlines in the distance spread out over the field. Two were missing? Had they found John already? I decided to go with my original plan anyway.

I circled the bush, which was actually a pine tree whose branches sagged to the ground. Slowly I went looking for any signs; still, I nearly missed it. Just before I gave up and headed to the other bush, I caught sight of a white piece of shoe sticking out from under the bush. I dropped to my knees immediately, hoping that I could get hidden before Jackie saw me. I scrambled under the bush next to John. In the darkness, it was hard to be sure, but I thought I saw him bury his face in his arms. Luckily, the tree was big enough to conceal me. My legs were much shorter that his.

Jackie was approaching us now. I tried to hold my breath but it was difficult. My heart beating fast, from my mad rush to shimmy under the low branches of the pine on my stomach. She circled once and didn't see us. After taking a few steps away, something made her turn and come back. This time she crawled around looking for us. One pair of white shoes later she was scrunching in under the branches on the other side of John.

"Hi guys." she whispered. "It sure is tight under here."

"Just wait." I whispered back.

John shushed us and Jackie giggled. "It's okay everyone else is still clear across the field. That's how I knew you must be here, 'cause Megan wasn't out there and because your shoes stick out, John." He began to wiggle further towards the large trunk to hide his feet better, but there was only so far he could go. The movement stirred up the dirt in the lower branches of the pine. I tried to stifle a sneeze, but it was too late. I buried my face in my arms and tried to sneeze as quietly as I could.

We laid there in the stillness waiting to be discovered. Jackie was still giggling softly, now and then, as the pressure got to her. John's head hadn't come up from his arms in a while. This closeness must be really difficult for someone as shy as he was.

Being short has its disadvantages. The next person to join us saw John's feet again and tried to climb in next to him right on top of me. I groaned then tried to move out of the person's way. "Sorry," a soft voice said from my right.

"It's okay." I whispered. Soft curls brushed my face as he scooted into place so it must be Mark. I moved a little farther away to give him more room. A moment later, there was rustling sound of someone climbing in on the other side of Jackie. I counted in my head. There were still three searchers. How could we fit two more people under here? We went at least half way around the bush now and surely, Mark's feet were sticking out too. It wouldn't be long before we were all caught.

The next one to slide in on my left was Andy; the musky/floral smell gave him away instantly. It blended nicely with the pine scent. He had just gotten settled when we heard. "Okay, we know you guys are in there. You can come out now." There was a collective sigh of relief as people started to back up, scooting along on their bellies. Standing near the bush were Nathan, who was nearly invisible in his black and Melissa who was laughing at us as we dusted off.

"Great hiding place, John." Nathan said appreciatively. "I think I can top it."

We stretched and Nathan, excited for his turn, ran off into the dark. "Start counting," he called over his shoulder. I picked sticks and pine needles out of my hair as I counted along with the group.

The counting done, I headed out across the field towards the distant tree line. Only the light from the occasional street lamp lit the park enough for me to make out shapes; it was truly dark now. I was aware that someone was following close behind me, probably Jackie. I changed my course so that I could shake her pursuit. "Megan, wait up." an unexpected voice called from the darkness.

"Andy?"

"John said you were the first to find him. I thought I would tag along with you."

"Okay," I said feeling a little weird. I slowed my pace and he was soon beside me. We made our way towards the line of trees again. Looking for Nathan proved to be very difficult. I was sure that he was the best hide and seeker I had ever come across. We walked from tree to tree looking up into them. From the figures moving around in the darkness, I didn't think anyone else had found him either. Twenty minutes later, there were just as many seekers as there had been at the beginning of the game. We gathered in the middle of the field. My eyes scanned the park looking for anyplace we hadn't searched.

"Nathan!" Mark and Andy called.

"Nathan!" we all joined in. "We give up."

After a moment, Nathan appeared behind us. "Told you I could do better," he said smugly. I counted his smile because it was so impish and full of fun. It hadn't taken me as long to get a smile out of him as I'd expected.

"That was definitely a good hiding place. Where were you?"

"I'll never tell. Maybe I can use it next time."

"It's getting pretty late." Kristen said with a yawn. She was taking 18 credits this semester and she'd had a long week.

"This was really fun! We should do it again," Jackie added. Then she smiled. I was getting a lot of smiles from her this week. There were several head nods around the group and I was glad that everyone was happy.

We climbed back into the cars and this time I offered Mark the front seat. He shook his head and climbed in the back, knees to his chest. I started to feel guilty, but then I saw that he was sitting next to Jackie again, and I thought that maybe he had chosen that seat on purpose. She certainly looked comfortable.
Chapter 2

The guys gave us a ride to church the next day. Already we were starting to act like a group. As the week went by, it seemed much of my free time was spent at apartment D41, or at least out on the basketball courts with its occupants.

Nathan was the fiercest competitor; he hated to lose to a girl but I wasn't really very good at basketball so he didn't have to worry much. Playing against John and Mark was kind of pointless; they only had to hold the ball over their head and I couldn't reach. Andy wasn't that bad of an opponent: like me, he wasn't very good, but he had fun playing. He and I lost miserably in a game of two on two with Nathan and John.

Friday, I made several batches of double chocolate chip cookies. They were my brother George's favorite. He'd just gotten off his mission last February and was attending ASU this year because it was close to home and to Lindsey.

I'd been hoping that he would be attending BYU with me this year, but Lindsey had swept him off his feet as soon as he'd gotten home. I was lucky to spend any time with him this last summer. It just worked out that Lindsey was gone for a family trip at the end of July so George and I had gone camping. That's when he told me he was going to be asking Lindsey to marry him. I was still waiting to hear back how it went.

I planned to share the cookies with my new friends. My cooking skills were nearly nonexistent but I knew guys enough to know that food was always a good idea and this was something I could make. It was kind of a way to say thank you for making me feel like I had my brothers around me again. I preferred my life crowded with people and smiles.

John answered the door again and greeted me with an awkward gulp, despite the fact that he knew me well now.

"I brought cookies," I said, holding the plate up.

This brought Nathan to life on the sofa. His head popped up at the invitation but he quickly turned back to the game. In a perfect impression of my younger brother, Matt, he got up, backed toward the plate, and snagged a few cookies all while keeping his eyes on the television screen. Ah, just like home, I sighed contentedly.

The first door in the hallway opened and Andy came through it talking over his shoulder as he went. When he saw me, he smiled a bright, happy to see you, kind of smile. I counted it. These guys were always smiling. It was wonderful to have such happy friends.

"Megan, I didn't know you were here. What grand adventure do you have planned tonight?"

"No adventure, just cookies," I said waving a hand at the half empty plate. Next time, I would have to bring more or limit Nathan to two.

He reached for one eagerly and took a big bite. "These are awesome! Shame about the adventure, though. Mark and I were just trying to decide what to do tonight."

I thought about that for a moment. "What, no dates? You two really have to stop waiting for the girls to come to you."

Andy blushed slightly at that, then said impishly, "But it works, look here you are, with food again."

Trying to ignore how true that was, I suggested, "The courts were full when I came over but maybe we could play some board games?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. I have Sorry?"

"Excellent. We should make some popcorn or something. Do you have any?"

"That would be a good thing to have, but no. Sorry."

"No problem. I will go and make some and see if anyone else wants to join us, okay?"

"We may need more than one game if we get too many people. Got any?"

"I have a couple: Pictionary, Skip Bo, and Trivial Pursuit."

"Wow. You came to school prepared."

"Recreation major, remember. Besides, I like games. I'll be back soon." Then I left to get the girls and more snacks because the cookies were all gone.

* * *

The next morning I lay in bed for a long time trying to get up and moving. After games, we'd decided to attend a late night movie and I was feeling it. My phone rang and Jackie groaned. "Sorry," I whispered, getting out of bed. I grabbed my phone and answered it so the ring tone would stop. "Just a minute," I whispered. When I was out in the hall, with the door closed behind me, I said, "Hi, Mom. What's up?"

"Did you just wake up, Megan? It's ten in the morning." It was amazing how she could scold just as good over the phone as she could in person.

"Yeah, I had a late night," I yawned.

"Well, wake up and get a calendar." Startled by the request, I reached for my backpack sitting in the corner of the dining room and found my ratty old planner in the front pocket.

"Okay Mom, I'm ready."

"Good, how does next Tuesday look in the afternoon, say around three?"

"Fine." I said puzzled. Then I remembered my last conversation with my mom. I thought quickly, "Hey Mom, I was thinking I should probably just stay with Dr. Swenson. He knows my case and everything so could you make me an appointment for Thanksgiving time?"

"That would work except for the fact that your brother is getting married that weekend. Besides, I already have an appointment for you with a doctor there."

"George is getting married. He didn't tell me that he had proposed already. When? Thanksgiving? Wow, that is fast." I was so excited I didn't even care about the appointment.

"Yes, they haven't left me much time to plan things. At least her family is doing most of the reception. We will need to fly you home so that you will be here for the whole thing. Lindsey wants you to be a bridesmaid."

"Okay, just tell me what you need me to do and I will be there. And could you hit George for me for not giving me the details like he promised."

"He probably wouldn't even notice. He is on his own planet at the moment. Now, Megan, I am serious about this appointment. You told me you are free so I expect you to go. Dr. Swenson is sending copies of all your records, so you have no excuse. I have emailed you all the information. I expect to hear from you Tuesday night to tell me how it went."

She was going to be difficult about this, apparently. "Okay, Mom. Tell George and Lindsey congrats for me."

"Love you, Megan."

"I love you too, Mom."

I hung up the phone worrying now about the appointment. I hated feeling burdened by this. How frustrating that my plan for skipping it this year didn't work. I grabbed some cereal and tried to focus on my day. There just wasn't enough homework to keep me busy. Besides, I needed something to lighten my mood. Today would be a good day for a bike ride.

I stopped by D41 on my way out just to remind them about the concert. This time when I entered, I met Nathan's twin sister.

"Hi, I'm Emily," she said as she practically bounced across the room to me. Emily was a couple of inches taller than Nathan, but had similar features making their relationship obvious. She was spunky and sweet with beautiful dark eyes that almost twinkled.

"I'm Megan; it's really nice to meet you Emily." She dragged me to the sofa and plopped me down to join the group watching some rerun of a game. She treated me like an old friend.

"I just came to remind you guys about Melissa's concert tonight, if you can make it."

"You should stay here with us, Megan. After the game, we are all heading out for some ice cream. Come with us." She glanced between John and me as if sizing up the competition. Then she smiled at me but it was too territorial for me to count.

"Thanks but I really had my heart set on a ride. It sounds like you guys have plans though, so I will go." I jumped up before she could object, it wasn't really necessary; she wasn't going to be sad about my leaving her alone with John. I couldn't help finding the whole thing funny as I got on my bike. Emily was definitely in flirt mode and I couldn't help thinking about the discomfort that was going to cause John and Nathan.

I rode along through town staying focused and aware of the Saturday traffic. Once I passed the freeway, things were less crowded. It felt good to get out and bike somewhere flat. I pedaled as fast as I could, enjoying the breeze it created. I really didn't want to think about my upcoming appointment so I focused on the movie we'd seen last night. It was nice that I had made some good friends but I still missed Spencer. He and I had done everything together since we met in eighth grade. Playing ball and games with the guys was fine, but Spencer was who I really needed right now. Knowing how hard these yearly appointments were for me, he always planned something fun to do afterwards. I didn't have anyone here to talk to and I could feel some panic rising.

I arrived at the park that sat beside Utah Lake. It was very quiet today; I was surprised because it was beautiful. I laid down on my stomach, giving my backside a rest. I could feel the warm sun on the back of my neck, thanks to the braid I'd hastily done this morning. It was an unusual sensation for me; my thick, curly hair was always in the way. I tried not to be too frustrated that I didn't have the soft manageable hair like my sister's. It could be a lot worse, as I knew first hand. There had been a time when any hair would have been nice, though I had a cool collection of hats.

Laying there, I listened to the ducks splashing at the edge of the lake. When I woke up the sun was no longer overhead but setting. I drowsily looked at my watch. Great, there was only a half an hour until the concert; why did I fall asleep? If I was going to get there on time, I was going to need a ride. I picked up my phone and called Mark because he was the only one with a truck for my bike.

"Hey Megan?" said a soft tenor voice.

"Hi Mark. I hate to ask, but I need a ride."

"Sure, when and where?"

"Well actually... I'm at Utah Lake. I fell asleep and Melissa's concert starts in about 30 minutes."

"Are you there at the park?"

"Yes."

"I'm on my way," he hung up.

I stretched then groaned, I had been sleeping for about three hours and that pleasant sun had burned my neck and the back of my legs. Well, I'd had worse. I stood and dusted off the grass that was stuck to my shirt and shorts. Unfortunately, dusting off didn't take care of the wrinkles. At least, I was wearing something without stains; still, it was a little casual for the concert. I checked my watch again; changing wasn't going to happen.

My phone rang and I checked to make sure it wasn't my mom. I didn't really want to talk to her now. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's just me. I'm almost there."

"Oh, Hi Mark. Thank you so much for doing this. I hope I'm not interrupting any plans?"

"No, I was just waiting at home for a call from my sister but I can wait for that anywhere."

"Good, then do you want to go to Melissa's concert with me? It's her first and she's a little nervous."

"I'm not really dressed for it."

"If you are wearing something other than a t-shirt and shorts you will be better dressed than me." I was glad that the concert wasn't being held in one of the big auditoriums because they probably wouldn't even let me in. "We can just sneak in back and slip out before anyone notices us."

"You're on," he said with enthusiasm.

"I'm going to hang up now I have something to take care of."

"Okay, see you soon. Be watching for me."

I was relieved to find the bathrooms open. I splashed some cool water from the sink on my neck hoping to calm the sting. My legs didn't hurt unless I bent my knee too far. They would probably ache all through the concert but that's what I get for falling asleep in the sun, even on a pleasant day. I heard a horn honk, he was closer than I'd thought. I slowly walked out of the restroom trying not to feel my legs.

Waving so that Mark could see me, I walked over to where my bike was laying on the grass. When Mark saw where I was headed he hopped out of the truck and jogged over to it. We got there about the same time. "I've got it," he said, picking up my bike.

"Thanks," I said smiling back at him, secretly glad that I wouldn't have to bend down to get it.

He carefully lifted it into the back of his truck and opened the passenger door for me. I gingerly climbed in extending my legs out again as soon as I could. He laughed and gave me an odd look, "My truck doesn't bite." He closed my door and walked around to his door.

"I just have a little sunburn." I explained as he backed up.

"How bad?"

"It's nothing, I've had worse. The concert is in the HFAC." I looked at my watch. "It starts in 15 minutes."

"We'll make it even with a stop."

"A stop?" but I didn't get an answer to my question right then, because Mark's phone rang.

"Hi, Rebecca." There was a pause. "Hey, sorry but I can't talk now. I will call you tomorrow after church, okay? Love you too. Bye."

"That's nice." I said reflexively. "My brothers never call and they never say I love you."

He smirked, "I guess I'm just an awesome brother then." I collected another smile.

"I guess so!"

He laughed but I was serious. In the time that I had known him, Mark was forever on the phone with his brothers or sisters; helping them with homework or just catching up.

We pulled into a pharmacy parking lot. "Wait here, I will be really fast." Three minutes later, he was back with a small bag in his hand. "Put this on it will help."

I looked into the bag he handed me. "Aloe Vera Gel?"

"It's really good for sunburns."

"I know. I've just never seen it in a bottle before. We have a big plant of it growing in the backyard."

"Good, then you know it is a bit sticky at first. Still, it beats the pain."

I opened the bottle and sniffed the very faint odor. It was the same stuff. Mark took the bottle from my hand and squeezed a small amount into his palm. "Hold your hair out of the way," he ordered. I leaned closer holding my braid up. The cool gel on my neck was heavenly, I sighed. "This is pretty red, I hope you don't blister."

"Thank you." I continued to hold my braid up waiting for the gel to dry. Mark rubbed his hands together as if he was washing them.

"No problem. It's good for dry skin too." he held his hands up as if to prove it. "You can get your legs while we drive. We should get going."

"What do you do that makes your hands so dry?" I hadn't seen rough dry skin like that since my hands last winter when I had tried skiing without the proper gear.

"I wash them a lot." He looked at me a moment then went on, "I'm a nurse's assistant at a nursing home here in town." He looked at me again expecting some kind of reaction.

"Wow, do you like it?"

He smiled, "Yes I do. And it's good training. I'm going to be a nurse."

"Really?" I didn't really think of men as nurses but I guess they existed, why not?

"Aren't you going to laugh, Andy does?"

"Why, people laugh at me for majoring in recreation but it suits me. If nursing suits you, who cares. I bet you are really good at your job."

"Thanks," his smile got even bigger and he beat his hands on the steering wheel once and straightened up. "We should park as close as we can. It's getting late and your legs aren't up for walking far."

Miraculously, we managed to get a place not too far from the building, and we walked as quickly as my pain would allow to the recital hall in the basement. Sneaking in just after the opening prayer, we found two seats at the back. Melissa was beautiful and her silver flute shined against her black satin dress. She and the other performers were really good. I looked over at Mark during one song to find that he had his eyes closed. Had he fallen asleep? I certainly couldn't blame him for that. Maybe late night movies were not a good idea for this crowd. I watched a smile spread across his lips and his fingers moved in time with the music tapping on his leg. He was awake, he was just enjoying.

I really wanted to give Melissa a hug after the performance but she was swept away by a crowd as soon as the closing prayer was over. I would see her at home and congratulate her there. Mark and I left quietly.

"Andy's really going to be sorry that he had to work tonight." Mark said as we drove toward home.

"Yeah, Melissa was great. Does he really likes music?"

"Yes, but I think he would have just liked hanging out with you."

"Oh, yeah. Because I have been such a fun person to be around with my sunburn and everything,"

"I enjoyed it."

I laughed, "Well you are just easy to please, then. It must come from being such a perfect brother. Where does Andy work?"

"He's a waiter in a little restaurant downtown. He works most Saturday nights." We pulled into our parking lot.

"Thank you so much for the ride and the aloe. It was fun to have someone to hang out with at the concert. I'll see you tomorrow for church?"

"Yep. Megan, wait!" he hollered after me as I walked off toward my apartment. "Did you forget something?" I looked at him trying to remember what I was forgetting. "Your bike?"

"Oops, I'm doing really well today," I said feeling a little embarrassed.

"You do seem kind of distracted. Something up?"

"Truthfully, yes... but it's kind of private," I admitted. Mark was really a sweetheart but he didn't need to worry about my problems.

Mark carried my bike over to the bike rack and I locked it up. "Let me know if you change your mind," he said supportively. "And make sure you drink lots of water, with that burn you could get dehydrated."

"You're just awesome, Mark. Thanks." I walked into the quiet apartment and went to take a shower. Maybe if I kept the water cool enough it wouldn't hurt too badly. When I was done I applied the aloe again, it felt so much better already. I was sticky and stiff when the front door opened and I heard a large group of people entering. Maybe some of the crowd had followed them home. Listening more closely. I was sure that I heard male voices in the mix. I'd better congratulate her later since I was already dressed for bed.

I laid on my bed and read my scriptures for a while, and then I checked my email. There it was, the email from my mom. My appointment was with a Dr. Warrenbach at 3 pm on Tuesday. The map to the oncology clinic showed that it was close enough that I could ride my bike. There was no need to ask anyone for a ride so no one would have to know about it. What a relief, now my mom and I would be the only ones stressing over this.

After about an hour, I heard the sounds of several people leaving. Melissa's voice got louder. "Yeah! It's over!" I stuck my head out and didn't see anyone so I tiptoed down the hall. Kristen, Melissa, and Jackie were chatting.

"Your performance was wonderful, Melissa," I said as I walked into view.

"Megan, where were you?" Kristen asked, exasperation clear on her face.

"Long story. I made it to the concert but I was just a little under dressed so we left right after. It really was good. You were so beautiful."

"Thanks. You know Kristen, Jackie... I was just thinking that I was in the mood for a long story and that 'we' intrigues me."

I scrunched my face not really wanting to share my story and Jackie giggled. With a sigh I said, "Okay, scoot over. Is there any of that ice cream left?"

"Freezer." Kristen said pointing.

"Don't get up, start talking and I'll get it." Jackie said jumping up with her usual enthusiasm.

"Really it isn't a very interesting story." They all looked at me expectantly anyway so I began. "I rode my bike out to Utah Lake today. I had plenty of time and the weather was so nice. I guess last night caught up with me and I fell asleep. I didn't wake up until 6:30. Knowing that I couldn't make it in time, I called Mark and he came to get me. He was really nice about it and was happy to stay for your concert too. He'll probably mention it tomorrow," I said looking at Melissa. "Anyway he brought me home, oh and he bought me some aloe for my sunburn. That's really all there is."

Three sets of eyes were staring at me as if they could wring something more out of my story. Jackie's seemed to be smiling as if she knew something. "Sunburn?" Kristen asked.

"I guess I left that part out. Well, I fell asleep in the sun, you know, it happens. I burned the back of my neck and the back of my legs. The aloe is helping though."

"That was really nice of Mark," Jackie smirked. I remembered then that I had suspected something between them. I was completely confused when she asked, "Are you guys going out again?"

"What? We weren't on a date. He just came to my rescue."

"Sure." Three voices echoed back at me and I added three to my smile total bringing the final tally of the week to 51.
Chapter 3

The next day, I was carefully lowered into Andy's front seat. He held my hand in an effort to ease my descent into the car and allow me to keep my legs straighter. I was starting to feel a little silly about things. "Really, I'm fine," I protested. "It's just a sunburn. The aloe worked wonders. I can barely feel it this morning."

Jackie was smirking from the back seat at me, again. I wanted to stick my tongue out at her but I didn't want to have to explain it to Andy. She could see romance everywhere. It was so annoying. Andy kept looking over at me as he drove. "You're really quiet today. Are you sure you feel okay?"

"I'm just tired, I guess. I have a busy week ahead of me." And a horribly worrisome one; I hated these appointments. I kind of missed having Spencer to talk too. I couldn't just drop a word like cancer into the conversation with my new friends and expect them not to freak out. Spencer knew how to treat it like nothing and that made it so much easier.

He nodded, "Sure. I'm sorry I missed last night. I would have loved to help you out."

We located everyone and found a section in the lecture hall big enough for all of us. If we added anyone else to our group, we would probably have to leave a little earlier for church. Jackie brought her friend Alisha over to sit with us. It was enjoyable to sit in my chair before church began listening to the whispered giggles and watching Jackie and Alisha look longingly at our male companions. The guys did look nice in their Sunday outfits. Nathan had a talent for picking snazzy ties. I wondered briefly if it was his sister Emily's taste or his.

I was sitting in between Jackie and Andy. Mark and Nathan were seated on Andy's other side. Mark leaned forward so that he could speak to me. "How are you feeling today?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

He jokingly puffed out his chest. "Still as perfect as ever, thanks. Did you remember to drink?"

"Yes, Mom," I mocked through a tight lipped smile. It was thoughtful, I guess, for him to check but I was worried he could see through me. It made me want to hide.

"How is the burn? Hold up your hair so I can see." I made a big O with my mouth and covered it with my hand. Humor usually worked as a distraction.

"Right here in church? Mark, please."

He rolled his eyes at me then wiggled his eyebrows. How does he do that? I have always wanted to wiggle my eyebrows. "I could have asked to see your legs." He was good at this humor thing too. I laughed and collected my first smile of the week. Andy squirmed a little in his seat, we must be embarrassing him.

I held my hair up without further comment for Mark's inspection. "Good, it does look lighter today, no blistering." He seemed satisfied and leaned back in his seat. I lowered my hair just as the prelude music ended.

* * *

I accepted an invitation to have dinner at D41 before the ward fireside

that night. Eating dinner with John, Mark, Andy, and Nathan was almost familiar now. John even seemed to be relaxing a bit around me. He at least was seeing me as one of the guys.

"I didn't know you could cook, it was delicious, thanks." I offered as I carried my plate to the sink.

Andy smiled, "Anyone can make spaghetti. You should try my fried chicken."

"Sounds good; I'm here the next time you make it," I said, shamelessly inviting myself.

"In that case, I will make it next week." He spoke with a broad smile. That was smile number eleven already this today.

We still had a little while until the fireside so together we did the dishes. The other roommates scattered. Mark was on the phone taking care of the call he had missed with his sister yesterday. Nathan and John were in the living room reading scriptures.

"So is your sunburn really okay?" Andy asked craning his neck to see the back of mine. I lifted my hair, leaving some dish soap bubbles in my curls.

"Yes, I'm fine. I just feel kind of silly that you guys are making such a fuss about it."

"You shouldn't, that's what we're here for. I wish I hadn't been working, I probably would have been on that ride with you."

"Oh, then we both would have needed a ride."

"Nope, you never would have fallen asleep because I am very entertaining." He winked and reached to put a plate away in the cupboard. Smile number twelve; my totals were going to be really high hanging out with this crowd.

"Megan," he began, and then paused drying another plate. He looked at me and I almost got the giggles because his face was so pained. "I was hoping that you would go out with me this Friday. My friend Rachel's ward is having a dance."

I wasn't sure what to say, Andy was great. I hoped that he knew how much I liked him. I just didn't want to mess up the whole friendship thing. Apartment D41 had become my home away from home. For a small eternity, I pondered all the possibilities. How harmful could a date really be? Before I knew it, years of seeking smiles took over and I blurted out, "Sure, sounds like fun."

The answering smile, number 13, was worth the butterflies in my stomach.

"Great, I'll get the details to you later in the week." I handed him a clean pot and he dried it with the towel. What had just happened? I had an actual date. That had never happened before.

Mark emerged from the hallway closing his phone. His eyes scanned the room and he looked straight at me. "Oh, Megan, I'm glad you're still here; I need a girl's opinion."

"Step into my office. How can I help?" I said gesturing towards to table. "By the way, advice is five cents."

"Can I run a tab?"

"Anything for my rescuer."

Andy cleared his throat behind me and then sat down next to me at the table. "Let's get to the point already. What's up Mark?"

I was suddenly worried that I was going to have to give him advice on his love life. I may be a girl but I was clueless when it came to that topic.

"Rebekah is coming for a visit."

Andy pulled his shirt away from his neck with one finger as if he were feeling over heated and said, "Really, when? I'm finally going to get to meet her in person. Do you think I have time to plan a trip somewhere?"

"Hey, that's my sister you are talking about." The indignation on Mark's face didn't quite reach his laughing eyes.

Finally, I understood enough to jump in to the conversation. "Oh, Rebekah is your sister. Awesome! When is she coming and how can I help? And why is Andy feeling nervous? Does he like her?"

"Of course not!" Andy blurted out a little louder than he needed to.

"Hey, could you keep it down over there," Nathan hollered from the couch.

"Sorry," we chorused.

Mark was squinting at Andy, "He'd better not like her."

"I don't. She is the one who wrote me, remember?"

"Oooh, this sounds good.... Details, please."

"There isn't much to tell really. Mark's sister is totally boy crazy and wrote not only letters to him but to every companion he had on his mission."

Mark was now sitting with his head in his hands. It was an unusual posture for him. "So how old is this sister, Mark?"

"Sixteen, and Andy's right; she is really boy crazy."

I couldn't help but laugh at their discomfort. It was cute in a way. "So let's see, you have a perfectly normal teenage sister and this distresses you? Well, no worries. She will only be here a short time and I doubt she is so quick that she will find and marry some guy on campus. Though, this is BYU and we are kind of known for fast romances. Andy, here, might even be swept away by the girl who so faithfully wrote him." Mark groaned and Andy protested while I giggled.

As my laughter died down, I began to sense that the mood was much more serious. Mark had not put his head up yet. Had I touched on some deep rooted worries?

"Mark, I'm sorry. I was just teasing. Rebekah is going to be just fine. She will have a great visit and we will keep Andy away from her." I turned and winked at Andy who didn't seem to be enjoying the joke either. "Sorry," I mouthed to him.

I reached between Mark's arm and head with my hand. I found his chin and forced it up. He responded by resting it on his stacked fists. His mouth still seemed thoughtful, almost frowning but his eyes were dancing again. "So, what's the plan, Megan?"

"Well, what does she like to do? There are a ton of things we can do but it's kind of up to her."

"I'm not really sure. We haven't spent a lot of time together over the past few years. Aside from the boy thing, which I don't think we should encourage, I'm at a loss."

"Mark, you are one of the most devoted brothers I have ever seen. I don't believe that you don't know your own sister."

"Sure, I know her but that doesn't mean I know what she wants to do."

"Tell me about her, maybe we can figure it out. What kind of music does she like? Does she play any sports? What's her favorite subject in school? Does she want to go to school here?"

"Can I think about it little bit? I can answer some of those questions but I think for tonight I just needed to know that you would help me."

"No problem. I am excited to meet her."

"Thanks, Megan, you are the best." Once again, my smile tally increased. Mark gave me a big bear hug as I got up from my chair. It threw my balance off just enough and he had to grab me even tighter to keep me from falling. I could feel the answering chuckle resonate in his chest.

"I'm going to go and get the girls now," I said when he finally let go.

"I'll come with you." Andy wrapped his arm around my shoulder and walked me to the door. When we were outside, he said, "It is really nice of you to help Mark. He gets so obsessed about his family sometimes. I'm glad you talked him down."

"I think it's great that he cares so much."

"Great, and a bit debilitating. You should have seen him on our mission."

"Was it that bad?"

"Oh, he was a great missionary but he worried a lot."

"Well, he won't have to worry about this visit. We will make sure Rebekah has the best time."

"You'll make sure. I, for one, will be laying low. I wasn't kidding about the boy crazy thing."

"Are you really afraid of a 16 year old girl?"

"Afraid, no. Terrified, yes. Especially since no matter what I do Mark will be watching me looking for hidden meaning. But Megan, I swear, I have no interest in his sister. You believe me right?"

I bumped my arm against his and gave him my most innocent smile. "Sure, I believe you."

"No really! This is so infuriating. Fine, I know how to make you believe me." He stopped me, placed his hands on my shoulders, and turned me towards him. "I like the one who I asked out for Friday night – and have since I first saw her."

My face felt hot and I tried swallowing but there was something big in my throat blocking it. He relaxed his hands and let me go. "Understand?" I nodded mutely. "Okay, let's go get your roommates."

* * *

Monday night I got my weekly text from Spencer's mom, reporting his total. It was a system we'd worked out before he left so that I could continue to keep records for us. He'd had a pretty good week with a total of 67. His were probably a lot harder to get than mine were. I thought my tally had been pretty good this last week. I took a moment to recall some of the more breath taking smiles. It was like my new friends were helping me on purpose, but they didn't know about my little collection.

After FHE group, I sat down to write Spencer a letter. It had been a while and I'd been thinking of him a lot lately. I wish I had him to tell me what to think of Andy's confessions. I wished I had him to distract me from my doctor appointment. It was just so wrong that he was gone so far away when I needed him so much. I was half way through a sheet of paper when I realized I was angry with him and it was definitely showing in my letter.

I took a deep breath and crumpled the paper up. It wasn't his fault that he was across the world when I needed someone to talk to, but it still felt like it. I sat at the kitchen table feeling guilty for being mad and even guiltier for feeling bad about him serving the Lord. The real problem was that I didn't want to go to my appointment. I didn't want to be sick anymore and I definitely did not want to be looked on with pity, so telling anyone else about it was right out.

I buried the wasted paper in the trash, ashamed that I had expressed such negative feelings. This bad mood was not really something I wanted to share with anyone so I grabbed my basketball and headed for the courts hoping the guys wouldn't be there. I wasn't really up for seeing them. Why did these appointments have to turn me into such an angry person? I didn't like myself when I felt that way.

The next day I sat in the doctor's waiting room and tried the letter again. I was aiming for light and uplifting, and somehow focusing on the lighter side of things made my letter and my surroundings better. I reported my smile total to him and gave him a brief description of the guys that I spent so much of my time with these days. By the time the nurse called me back to the room, I had managed a supportive, upbeat, and positive three page letter.

That night after dinner, I grabbed my cell and went for a walk. I still had to report to my mom and I didn't want anyone to overhear. The doctor's visit had been almost nothing with just a bunch of questions and a quick exam.

I still had to go for a couple of tests after my Thursday classes. My mom was reassured as I told her Dr. Warrenbach was nice, and that he had read all through my files before I even arrived. I didn't tell her that he'd told me I could leave her off of my privacy list and she wouldn't be able to get my test results anymore. I hadn't seriously considered it but I enjoyed a few wicked moments thinking about it.

After I gave the necessary report and promised to go for the tests like a good girl, I asked her about the wedding plans. I knew that this would distract her from what I didn't want to tell her about the appointment, and I was right.

Lindsey seemed to be driving my mom nuts with picky little details. My mom disagreed with the color and flower choices. I was trying to find the best way to remind her that it was Lindsey's and George's wedding when she sighed. "Well it is their wedding, I guess I can deal with burgundy. I still think pink would be an easier color to work with."

"Don't worry Mom, you will survive this. Just think, you only have four weddings left after this."

"That's if all of you get married. I'm not so sure about Drew some days, he's so quiet."

"Speaking of which, I have an actual date this weekend. Can you believe it?"

"A real date, not some group thing?"

"Yes, a real date; he asked me and everything." My stomach did a flip flop as I recalled his confession.

"Well, I want a report on that, too. You can tell me when you call with your test results."

"Mom, I don't think they'll have the results back by this weekend."

"That's okay, I can wait... but I do expect to hear from you. Oops, got to go. Dinner is burning."

"Okay, Mom. Bye." I was saved by the scorched lasagna. Not that I wouldn't have to go through it all again this weekend. I needed to learn to keep my mouth shut. At least I had managed not to tell her that the doctor had ordered more tests because he was concerned about something he had felt while examining me. She would find out if she needed to and if it was nothing, then she wouldn't have to worry.

I was doing enough worrying for both of us. It was really probably nothing, and if it was something, it wasn't as if I hadn't been through it before.

I looked up at the mountain as I walked down the streets lined with parked cars. It was really beautiful this time of year, there was the faintest hint of fall color popping up here and there. Turning towards home, I planned out what homework I would do first. If I was going to be gone Thursday and busy over the weekend, I should get it done now; besides, it would be a good distraction.

My mind only lingered on my studies for a moment before I started to wonder about Friday. I hadn't really seen Andy since Sunday and I was still processing. He'd been very serious when he said he liked me, I was sure of that. Did he want me to say it back? What was I supposed to do? I wondered what you did with a date at a dance. Was Andy a good dancer? Was I? Whether we could dance well or not we were sure to have fun. Andy was always so upbeat. I was really starting to look forward to the date. Maybe I would like dating. This week I was sure to beat Spencer's total.

Home was almost in sight but my mind kept hopping from subject to subject driven by my intense desire to forget the one thing I couldn't face, at least not anymore tonight. Maybe Jackie would want to go get some ice cream or the guys might be on the courts; homework could wait.

Thursday I endured the tests. Like always, I tried to get the ultrasound tech to tell me what she was seeing but of course, she said nothing. It had never worked, but that didn't stop me from trying. As uncomfortable as the tests were, I found waiting for the results much more difficult. As distractions went, the date with Andy couldn't have been timed any better. I just needed to get through the next few days and it would all be over. I found being nervous about my first date felt a lot better than worrying over medical tests, so I focused all my attention towards Friday night.

In order to keep that focus I elected not to carry my cell phone with me. If Mom called, she would want to talk about the tests. I was sure if she had a spare moment she wouldn't be able to resist checking up on me so Friday the cell stayed on the charger. Sure, I could just not answer her calls but if I didn't know about them, I would feel less guilty.

I didn't even think about checking the caller ID when I answered the phone on Friday afternoon. "Good afternoon, this is Megan speaking."

"Well, good afternoon to you too. You sound like you are in a good mood."

"Dad?"

"Yep, I heard through the grapevine that you have an official date tonight."

I smirked thinking of all the times he had promised to torment my dates when they picked me up; he had never gotten the chance. "That's right, shocking isn't it?"

"Not really, I knew all the boys in the world couldn't be stupid. It just took you a while to find a smart bunch. Anyway, since I can't be there I want to know all about this guy...Wait, no, I trust your judgment. Just tell me, is he nice to you?"

"Well, we haven't been out yet," I reminded him, "but he is always cool when we hang out."

"Okay, just remember it's his privilege to go out with you so you don't have to do anything you don't want to."

"Gee, thanks Dad. I so did not want to go there."

He laughed. "Yeah, okay, I can drop it. I know you can hold your own. Hey, do me a favor?"

"What?"

"Don't forget to give your mom an update; some of us still have to live with her." I could hear the smile in his voice. In my mind, I could picture his beaming face so clearly that I counted it.

"Okay, but I can't promise she'll be satisfied. Hey, I love you but I've got things to do before tonight."

"I'll let you go. Love you too, Megan. Bye."

After Dad's call there didn't seem to be much use in not carrying my cell, so I took it and my laundry to the central laundry room. I planned to multi task and give reminder calls to the sisters in my visiting teaching district as I waited. Visiting teaching wasn't my favorite thing but I had accepted the call to be a supervisor and I was going to do my best.

Most of the sisters I called seemed to feel the same way about visiting teaching that I did. My own visiting teachers hadn't visited yet. I couldn't really complain. I had only half-heartedly spent a few minutes with the two sisters that I was assigned to visit. I didn't even really share a lesson, just a quick scripture from the message. I hadn't even called my companion.

I hung up with the last sister on my list. Hopefully the reminder would improve the numbers because they weren't looking very good yet. I moved my laundry over to the dryer and thought about my calling again. Mom seemed to like visiting teaching, so what did she know that I didn't?

General Women's Conference

was this weekend. I said a silent prayer asking Heavenly Father to help me be prepared for His messages, adding a special request for a greater understanding of visiting teaching. I always tried to go into conference with a question and usually my answer would come in one way or another. This conference I really needed some help. If I was going to motivate the girls on my list, motivation should probably come to me too. I finished my prayer and found that I felt peaceful. It was so nice to just sit and enjoy the feeling.
Chapter 4

I watched my roommates buzz around the apartment. Kristen had a big date with Tony. Melissa was following her around with a can of hairspray. The two girls had been friends since high school so the probably had a routine down.

Jackie was in our room studying. There was more going on with her than just the domestic stuff and boys. She was really smart and spent a lot of time on her studies.

I remembered my own pressing homework. I opened my history textbook that was sitting on the table next to me and tried to focus but I was starting to feel nervous. After I'd reread the same sentence over four times, I closed the book.

What was wrong with me? It was just a dance. I had been to dozens, and it was only Andy after all. We were friends. I'd done lots of things with him over the last few weeks. Then I remembered that he wanted to be more than friends and my knees began to bounce up and down under the table.

Jackie hopped into the room. "So, are you just so excited?!!" It wasn't really a question. Her eyes were alight with a manic energy.

"I guess so, I'm kind of nervous."

"You? You're the one that always seems so confident around boys. I can't believe you're nervous."

"Well, I'm not really used to dating."

She seemed surprised by that. "Megan, I wish I had half your guts."

"I wish I had them now, too," I smiled at her. Things just seemed a lot more serious now that Andy said he liked me. I liked him too, but was it enough or in the right way?

"You should get ready; it's about 6:30."

"Oh, I have time. I just need to run a brush through my hair and slip a dress on."

"Megan! You really don't have a clue. Come with me." She dragged me from the chair and led me down the hall to our room. "Now put your dress on so that we can fix your hair."

"Really, it's no big deal." This was my last line of defense. If I treated it just like any other outing with Andy, maybe I wouldn't feel so nervous that I wanted to vomit.

"Come on, it will be fun. Let me play dress up."

"Okay, but I'm warning you, my hair is impossible." Her answering smile had me sold on letting her help. If it was going to make her that happy, I could endure a little fussing over.

She made me try two dresses, then gave up and went into my closet. She emerged with a dress I hardly wore, because it wasn't as comfortable as my jumpers were.

"Meet me in the bathroom and don't take too long."

The first few attempts to tame my naturally bushy hair failed. Jackie was getting discouraged.

"Don't worry," I said, "simple works for me." She settled for clipping the sides of my hair back at the top of my head.

"Don't you have any make-up?"

"I don't really wear much."

"Wait here. I will go get mine and I think some different earrings too."

She was off fishing around in our room when the doorbell rang. Sighing in relief, I headed down the hallway and called back to Jackie. "Thanks, but he's here. Have a good night."

I opened the door to a smiling face. That made two in the last half hour. "Hi, Andy."

"Hi. You look beautiful." He handed me a yellow rose tied with a white ribbon. This was the first time I'd gotten flowers when I wasn't sick.

"Thank you, it smells so good." I inhaled and left the door open, gesturing for him to enter. I went to the kitchen, found a vase for the rose, and left it on the counter where we could all see it.

"Ready to go?"

"Yes, where is the dance?"

"It's just up the hill a bit. It's a nice night but I thought we would drive."

He led me to his little Metro that was probably as old as I was. The inside was spotless, the vinyl freshly cleaned and the floor vacuumed. I'd ridden in Andy's car before. It was never this clean. I realized that he had gone to the extra effort for me and it made me feel special. "So, where do you know Rachel from?"

"She's from my home stake in California."

"That's right, you're from California. What part?"

"I live in the LA area."

"Big City boy, huh?"

"Yep, cities are not a problem for me," he said with a note of friendly arrogance. "But you should have seen poor Mark in Atlanta. He was really out of his depth."

"Not much for big cities?"

"No, you and I are much more able to deal with lots of people."

"Exactly how many people are going to be at this dance?" I asked, surprised by the way the conversation was going.

"Oh, don't worry about that. It's just a normal dance." We parked and Andy ran around to get my door. "Are you ready?"

"Sure let's go!" I said enthusiastically.

The dance was well attended, but the crowd wasn't huge. With all those bodies dancing, it was extra warm in the gym. Andy led me to a place on the dance floor which was just under an air vent. I really appreciated the extra air flow because as it turned out Andy loved to dance. We were out on the floor the entire first hour. It had been a long time since I'd danced so much and I realized I was kind of out of shape.

Finally, I asked. "Andy, could we sit down for a bit, I'm feeling tired."

Andy reacted quickly looking around for a couple of seats together. Placing his arm around my shoulders, he guided me out of the gym into a foyer. The sound of the music was much quieter here and it was much cooler. The foyer was surprisingly empty.

"Hope this is okay, I didn't see many seats in there."

"This is great," I said, collapsing onto the couch rather more dramatically than I had meant to.

He laughed, "Why didn't you say something sooner?"

"I was a little embarrassed and I was having fun." I counted another smile.

"I'm glad you're having fun. I am too."

"I didn't realize you were such a party animal."

"I'm just happy because I'm with you. Normally, I hold the walls up at these things."

"I find that hard to believe. You seemed to know what you were doing out there."

"When I was a youth, we all used to just get out and dance. We never really did the boy/girl pairing thing. It would be too weird because we all felt like brothers and sisters."

"Sounds fun. My ward paired off a bit more, but I had friends like that in high school. My best friend, Spencer, is on a mission now in France."

"France, that's a long way from Atlanta."

"It's a long way from Provo, too. I miss him sometimes. We practically grew up together."

Andy looked around. "Are you thirsty? I'm going to get us something to drink. Wait here."

I smiled at him and he hurried back into the gym. I took advantage of his absence to remove my shoes and stretch my feet. My toes didn't like my dress shoes much, and they weren't real happy about all the dancing, either.

Things were going pretty well. I liked Andy a lot. He was full of energy and he was so sweet to me. But he was sweet to everyone. I couldn't tell if he was treating me differently or not. Thinking about it too much was liable to terrify me, so I tapped my feet to the music instead and waited for Andy to return.

When he sauntered into the room, he had cookies in a napkin and two glasses of some light colored punch. He handed me a glass and then sat next to me spreading the napkin with the cookies on his lap.

"Those look yummy. Can I have one?"

"You can have as many as you want."

I grabbed a cookie and we both munched away in silence for a few minutes.

"Your cookies tasted better," he complimented.

"Learning how to make cookies was just a matter of survival in my house, but I wish I could cook like you."

"It's not hard, you'll get there."

"Maybe but I'm wishing I'd had my mom show me more while I was home."

"Tell me about your family. You're from Arizona right?"

"Yes, my family lives in Mesa. I was born here, though. Dad was still in law school then."

He made an encouraging noise through the mouth full of cookie and I continued. "I have an older brother who is about your age. He just got engaged to a girl from our home ward. George is an engineering major at ASU. Then after me come the twins, Matt and Drew. Drew is short for Andrew, that's your name right?" He nodded and popped another cookie in his mouth. "Well, the twins are 16 now and busy with jobs and school. Then Kelly is the youngest and my only sister, she's 11. She's way into dance and is a lot more graceful than I am."

"You were dancing gracefully."

"That's nice of you to say, but I don't think that I believe you. Are you ready to dance again?"

"Don't be silly, dancing is fun but this way we can talk." He casually rested his hand on my shoulder and looked into my eyes with an intent gaze that made me feel shy. "I had an evening study session and haven't had dinner yet. Do you want to go get something to eat?"

"Still hungry after all those cookies?" I said, looking at the empty napkin.

He looked guilty. "Did you want some more? I could go get you some."

"No, I'm fine. I think we had better get you some proper food before you eat every cookie in sight." He hopped up off the couch and took my hand, pulling me enthusiastically to my feet.

"Dinner it is." Again, he led me out to the car with his hand around my shoulders and I was beginning to like the way it felt. Maybe I didn't need to try to feel something, maybe it would just come naturally.

We talked about classes and he gave me a few pointers for my finance class. It was fun to be out and it wasn't hard at all to talk to Andy. I already knew that we got along great. It seemed silly to be so nervous and yet it felt different.

Living with brothers had prepared me for the amount of food he managed to scarf down. I was used to such displays. I was a bit hungry after all the dancing, but I only nibbled at my food, trying to avoid getting sauce on my dress.

His eyes seemed to sparkle when he talked and it felt like they were sparkling just for me. It was an unusual feeling but the longer we were together the more shy I felt. There was a strange feeling in my stomach. With luck, he wouldn't notice that I had stopped talking and was just giving him encouraging nods as he talked about his mission and his home life.

He was hoping to do marketing for one of the big animation companies when he graduated. I learned that he was a bit of an artist. I managed to come out of my shyness enough to ask him to show me his work sometime. He seemed pleased that I was interested and then his eyes sparkled again and I was silent.

I was a little glad when we stood to go home. This new silence of mine was making me feel like I was being completely stupid and making things weird. Where was my long list of silly jokes or my easy banter about sports? He seemed not to notice and continued on talking about plans and fun dates he had been on.

One time he had taken Rachel to the prom and they had gotten lost trying to find the location. His musing lasted the ride home with little encouragement from me and I was grateful that he was so at ease. Obviously, this was not his first date and I suspected that experience was on his side.

He walked me to my door. "Thanks. I had a really fun time."

He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Me, too. Can you go out next Friday?"

"Yes. What do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure yet. We can talk more later." He smiled a wide grin. Dating was going to do wonders for my totals. Tonight alone I had collected eleven big smiles.

"See you tomorrow."

I walked into the living room and Jackie pounced. "So, how was it? Are you going out again? Did he kiss you? I saw your rose. Oh, how sweet!" She squealed and jumped around. Jackie should have come with us then she could have danced some of that energy out and I wouldn't have to tell her everything that happened.

I tried to gather my scattered thoughts because I just realized that I was apparently dating Andy. "I had a really good time; he's a great dancer."

"Oh, give me all the details."

* * *

The General Women's Broadcast the next day was a good opportunity to spend some time with my roommates. We decided to dress alike so each of us was wearing a black skirt and a solid colored top. Arm and arm we entered the Marriot Center to watch the broadcast. With our matched outfits, we looked a bit like choir members. We felt more like a large group of young women than we did Relief Society sisters, but somewhere in the last couple of years, we had crossed that threshold.

I listened intently for any help with my questions about visiting teaching. Both the General Relief Society counselors talked about visiting teaching but somehow the words failed to instill in me an instant love of the program. Perhaps, I wasn't in tune enough or maybe my answers would come during general conference.

After the broadcast, we began a new tradition and like most of our traditions, it involved food. By the time the frozen pie baked and cooled enough to eat, it was very late. We dragged our pillows and blankets out into the living room and had a slumber party.

I'd managed to get about four hours of sleep before we got up for church. I think I had more sleep than the others did, especially Jackie who takes at least an hour to get ready in the morning.

* * *

Sunday morning our usual rides were waiting for us; the only difference was that Andy casually held my hand as we walked from the parking lot into church. He seemed to be smiling more than usual and I was much quieter. I wasn't sure if these were the kind of smiles I could count, but they seemed to be for me.

We had just sat down and started to listen to the prelude when Andy hopped back up. "I have to go take care of some Elder's Quorum business, I'll be right back."

"Okay, don't forget to be in your seat when it's time to start," I reminded him. Our bishop was a stickler for starting on time and we'd had the lecture several times.

"No worries. I'll hurry."

With Andy gone it was easy to talk to Mark who sat in the seat on Andy's other side. "Hey, I wanted to tell you that everything is set for Rebekah staying with us. Everyone is really excited to be entertaining, actually."

Mark sighed, "That's great. I will call her right after church. I've told her all about you. She is anxious to see for herself." Mark wiggled his eyebrows jokingly as he spoke.

"Great, is she expecting me to have a third eye or something?"

"Not exactly, I told her you were the life of the party."

"I don't think I can live up to that expectation. It's not like I am an endless supply of fun ideas."

"No, it's just that you make things fun no matter what we're doing."

That was a nice compliment. I grinned and added his return smile to my tally. "So when is she coming again?"

"A week from Thursday, I can't wait. My dad has to come for some meetings in Salt Lake and she is tagging along."

"Your Dad will be here too?"

"No. He has to stay in Salt Lake. I'm picking Rebekah up Thursday afternoon and returning her Saturday night. Hey, you should come with me. I'm sure Rebekah would love it and you can meet my dad."

I was curious but I didn't want to intrude. "Are you sure? It sounds like a family thing."

"Absolutely. When are you done with Thursday classes?"

"About 2:00."

"Perfect, call as soon as you get home and we will go."

"You'll probably need to remind me as it gets closer."

Mark and I were leaning towards each other so that we would not have to speak too loud. Andy squeezed down the row and sat back down. "What did I miss?"

"Just plans for Rebekah's visit," Mark said shrugging his shoulders.

On the way home Andy said, "I was thinking about our date Friday. How about dinner? I could take you where I work. The food is really good. It's the best place in town if you like Mexican food."

"That sounds yummy. I miss Mexican food, it's a favorite."

"Great, so Friday at 6:00?" I nodded and looked out the window. I wasn't quite used to this, yet. "You are coming over for dinner tonight right?"

"I am?"

"Did you forget? I'm making my fried chicken."

"That's right. Should I bring anything?"

"Just some games."

In the couple of hours I had between church and dinner, I panicked. Dating was new and Andy was new and my old troubles were circling above and threatening to land on my head. What if I really had relapsed? How could I tell Andy or Jackie or any of my new friends? What would they think when I was sick all the time and no fun? What would they think when I lost my hair? Could I even stay at school or would I have to go home? Worries and fears circled and circled until I was too exhausted to care about the answers. I wiped the tears from my eyes, splashed my face with cold water and went to dinner.

"This was so good. You really know how to cook." So many talents it hardly seemed fair.

"Yeah, it made him pretty popular in the mission too." Mark said gathering the dishes.

"There are only so many ways you can cook macaroni and cheese though." Andy said, picking up the Pictionary game from the stack on the coffee table.

"We need another player for that," I commented.

"Nathan!" both Andy and Mark yelled at the same time.

Andy and I were pretty good as Pictionary partners. Nathan was getting a little frustrated at our speed. Mark's drawings weren't very good and Nathan couldn't figure them out. Andy and Mark would probably make great partners, despite Mark's drawing skills, because they knew each other so well. I was going to suggest we divide our teams that way but Nathan wasn't up for losing again.

Instead, I suggested that it would be a good time for Andy to show me some of his artwork. This would give Nathan time to relax and I was curious. Nathan harrumphed down the hall.

Andy returned with his art portfolio. I was not disappointed, it was definitely amazing. He did mostly ink drawings that seemed to come alive on the page. I noticed that he had a little character he drew over and over in his sketch book always doing something different.

"Who's this little guy?" I asked.

"Oh, that's just a doodle I do to practice different poses." He said shrugging.

"He's cute. You should give him a name."

"What would you name him?" He asked his eyes sparkling at me.

I tried to think of something clever but gave up. Those green eyes of his just left my mind blank. "I'll think about it."

I thanked Andy again for dinner and said goodnight to the various faces roaming around the apartment: one talking on the phone, one looking through a book and one rummaging in the fridge for something to eat; where did he find the room? I was still stuffed.

When I got home, I picked up the Ensign from the table and headed off to bed. I decided to get a head start on October by reading the visiting teaching message early. Then I prayed again for the answer that I was seeking, hoping that Conference would teach me what I needed to know. I pulled up my computer calendar and made a note to call the sisters on my list this week and get their report. Looking at the note for my ultrasound last week, I remembered that I was still waiting for my results. Before I could spiral down into another unhelpful panic attack, I focused on thinking up names for Andy's little character.

Distractions used to work really well but any more, it seemed I was having to step up my game to ignore all that made me feel worried.

I got Spencer's tally on Monday. He must have had a hard week. His 14 was unusual and hardly a match for my 61. I pulled out a card and wrote in it one of my favorite silly jokes. Then I drew a smiley face with its tongue sticking out because I was sure it would make Spencer laugh when he saw it.

Wednesday afternoon, the results I had been waiting for came. The nurse called to tell me that both tests had looked normal and the doctor felt he didn't need to see me again for a year. I was relieved that I wouldn't have to think about it for another year; even more relieved than I was that everything was fine. I knew that my mom would need the details soon but I just couldn't face it now. I left my phone in my room and went in search of some fun.

Nathan was home and up for a game so we went out to the courts. I managed to beat him once. He was a little grumpy until I told him my secret. "It's just because I'm a girl." I patted his shoulder.

He grumbled and pulled his shoulder away. "Emily's a girl too, but I always beat her."

"Yes, but she's your sister and you aren't worried as much about fouling her. Think about it Nathan, weren't you just a little hesitant to get in my way?"

He perked up, "Yeah, that does make a difference. I just wasn't playing very hard." He felt better instantly and tossed me the ball. "How about another game?"

"No, thanks. Now that my secret is out, I am pretty sure I'm toast."

"Well at least let me buy the winner a soda or something?"

"Okay, that sounds good." We walked to the laundry room where there was a soda machine. I opened my root beer and sat on the grass near a tree. The sun was still bright even though it was almost dinner time. Nathan sat next to me and I was surprised that he was in a mood to talk. It was so unlike him.

"Megan, what do you think of John?"

I was not expecting this question, I had to think about the answer a second. "John's great, a little quiet but nice. Why?"

"Emily seems pretty interested in him. I just wondered 'cause I don't get it. I mean John is a great bud but Emily is special, you know."

Well, well Nathan had unknown depths. "Emily probably sees special things in John too."

"Yea, but a cowboy? He actually rides a horse and takes care of cattle. Did you know that?"

"Are you sure it's John that bothers you or are you just jealous that she wants to spend time with him instead of you?"

He looked at me for a long moment and then back down at the grass. "No comment."

I laughed. "She had to find someone eventually. Aren't you glad it's someone as great as John?"

"I still don't like it."

"You are grumpy today aren't you?"

"Oh, sorry. I guess I'm not very fun to be with just now."

He screwed his face up into a strange expression and then he started to talk like Donald duck. The drink of root beer that I had just swallowed caught in my throat and I coughed a laugh. Encouraged, Nathan continued. The coughing continued until he paused to see if I was okay. He patted my back and I carefully took a sip to see if I could calm my throat down.

I flopped back on the grass and let the sun warm my face while I tried to breathe deeply. Nathan leaned over me cautiously and quacked, "Sorry," plain as day. I laughed again and hiccupped this time.

In this mood Nathan was so much like my friend, Spencer, that I couldn't help retaliating. I grabbed a handful of grass and tossed it in his surprised face. Too competitive to let that pass, he grabbed his own handful and instead of tossing it, he ground it into my frizzy hair. How had he found my weakness so quickly? It would take forever to get all that grass out. I reached up and put a handful down the back of his shirt. He jumped up and danced a bit, shaking the grass free. I sat up preparing for the next round.

But Nathan stopped, "Okay, uncle." I was surprised he had given up so fast. He scratched at his back a little. "I'm allergic."

"I'm sorry. Are you really uncomfortable?"

I felt the hiccups coming back so I took a big drink of root beer. It was as if Nathan had waited for that exact moment before answering. He let out a loud quacked, "I'm okay," and I spit my root beer across the lawn. He rolled on the ground laughing then started scratching again. "I'd better go and take a shower. This was fun Megan. Thanks." He stood up and left me sitting there with a frustrated look on my face.

"Yeah, anytime," I yelled sarcastically to him as he walked away and he laughed again.
Chapter 5

I went inside to clean up and to call my mom. The medical news was easy enough to report because once she knew I was fine she moved onto my date. I was surprised I didn't get busted for not telling her all the medical details, so I let her pump me for Andy info.

Eventually she dragged everything out of me, down to his holding my hand on Sunday. Saying it all out loud had just made it so much more real. It was forty-five minutes later when I convinced her that I needed to eat and do some homework. She was pleased that I was going out with Andy again but I carefully didn't promise a report.

* * *

I cried myself quietly to sleep that night. It was often like this for me when the worry and stress were over. At least I wouldn't have to deal with it for another year.

When I had first been diagnosed, it was scary, but I had so many people around me all the time that I never had much time to worry. The doctors were always so optimistic and my friends were always cheering me up. It was a new experience not to have anyone around to talk to about this kind of stuff. I missed Spencer and I started to feel lonely. Maybe I should tell someone here. Now that it was over, they wouldn't have to be worried for me, right?

Friday Andy picked me up in his spotless car again. We drove downtown and he led me to a lowly lit back dining room. Each table was draped with a white table cloth and each had a glowing candle in the center. On one side of the room, there was a balcony with a wrought iron railing. I could see there were four more tables up there.

Shadows moved on the walls as the candles flickered in the slight breeze we made as we passed. "Upstairs, please." Andy said placing a strong emphasis on the please. The hostess sighed and held her hand out to the rod iron staircase that led to the balcony. "Thanks." Andy said as he grabbed my hand and led the way to our table.

From the balcony, I could see only the far side of the room and it was much quieter. The soft music being piped into the room didn't quite reach us. "This is so beautiful," I said impressed. "You work here?"

"Yep, were lucky to get the balcony. It's a bit of a pain to wait on the tables up here so the hostess tries to avoid them."

"The whole room is beautiful. I don't mind sitting downstairs if it's easier."

"It's fine," he assured me. "I know the waiter who has this station, we're friends. Besides I'll just leave him a big tip; he'll love me. I like how quiet it is up here, don't you?"

He was still holding my hand and I felt self-conscious as he gazed into my eyes. I pulled my hand and my eyes away so that I could focus on the menu.

"Everything looks so good. What's their specialty?"

"That's difficult to say but I would definitely try their enchiladas, if I were you; they're incredible."

"That sounds perfect." I looked around at the stucco white walls dancing with the glow of the candle flames. "It even smells good in here."

"Yea, I try not to come to work hungry. It's torture."

"I would never have even known this place was here. It's hidden from the main streets."

"I think that adds to its charm. It feels secluded."

Max the waiter came tromping up the steps to take our order and I had to laugh at his expression when he saw Andy. He leaned in and whispered something into Andy's ear and Andy grinned. "Don't worry, I'll make it up to you. This is Megan," he said, gesturing to me.

"Hello, Megan. Don't let this guy give you a hard time. I get off at 8 if you need a ride home." He winked at me and I giggled at the flirting attempt, mostly because of the expression on Andy's face.

"I don't think that will be necessary," Andy said through gritted teeth. I laughed even harder. "And your tip is getting smaller, even as we speak." Max took our order and excused himself making a loud show of clomping down the stairs.

The food was heavenly and there was so much of it. I ate until I could eat no more, declining dessert. Andy seemed in no hurry to leave, so we talked and finished our sodas. I even picked at the food on my plate a little despite being full – it was just too good.

I was expecting the night to end when we left the restaurant but Andy drove towards the Canyon. It was such a beautiful night and I was enjoying our conversation. The canyon was dark but I could occasionally see the outline of the rocks and trees. "Okay, I give up. Where are we going?"

"I know a great place for dessert in Heber."

"Ice cream?"

"Yep, I figure dinner should be settled by the time we get there."

"You're crazy, but I'm up for the adventure. Let's go."

He reached across and patted my knee. "I knew you would be. That is one of the great things about you, Megan. You are always up for an adventure."

"Within reason," I teased. "I don't think getting ice cream in Yellowstone would be a good idea tonight."

"Oh, no! You guessed my surprise for next week. Can we go out again next week?"

I thought about that for a minute. I really liked Andy. He was so much fun. "Rebekah will be here next weekend. I'm not sure what we will be doing but you can come with us."

"Oh," he sounded disappointed, "I have plans to avoid Rebekah while she is here remember?"

"Oh, that's right. Well, it's your loss. We will be having a great time."

"Thanks for rubbing that in."

* * *

I woke up the next morning with a sore throat and a stuffy nose. At least with conference, I wouldn't have to change my plans because I was sick. It would be a good day to stay in my pajamas. I set my computer up for a live stream and climbed back in bed just as my phone was ringing.

"Come over and watch conference with us. We've got snacks." Nathan said.

"Thanks, but I'm sick." I sneezed for emphasis.

"Bummer. I was looking forward to some entertainment."

"You don't need entertainment. Conference is on," I reminded him.

"Well yeah, but it never hurts," he admitted. "See you later. Maybe you'll be better tomorrow."

I hung up my phone and closed my eyes trying not to focus on the pressure in my head. A moment later, my phone rang again. I moaned and answered it.

"You're sick? Can I do anything?" It was Andy.

"No, I'm just going to rest thanks."

"Feel better. If you need anything don't hesitate to call me. I will be home all day except during priesthood session."

"Thanks."

I considered turning my phone all the way off but there was no reason anyone else would call. The rest of the day was sort of a blur. I woke to the sound of the organ music coming from my computer. Conference was starting. I sat up pulling my knees to my chest in an attempt to stay awake. My face felt heavy and so did my eyelids.

Once the talks began, I was able to concentrate if I focused on the screen really hard. There was a beautiful talk about prayer and I enjoyed the combined choir from the SLC area. I did make it through the entire two hours without falling asleep but not much after that.

My nose was running so much that the box of tissues by my bed was getting plenty of use. My face and head hurt making it hard to sleep but I kept trying.

I could hear occasional sounds as I tossed and turned. Jackie must have come in our room at least once because I heard her rummage through her closet. I think I heard the doorbell or maybe it was someone's phone.

It was starting to get darker in my room when I woke up. My clock said it was after four. I moaned trying to clear my throat. I couldn't believe I had slept through the afternoon session. It was way past time to get out of bed today. I needed to at least drink something or have some food, though nothing sounded good. I pulled on some sweats and a t-shirt and grabbed my wild hair back into a ponytail with a scrunchie.

I felt so weak and tired as I dragged myself down the hallway. It was very disorienting to wake up with the late afternoon light coming through the windows. Kristen was in the kitchen cooking. I think my zombie like appearance startled her because she jumped just a little as I entered.

"Megan, are you feeling any better? We didn't even know you were sick but then Andy came by and you were asleep."

"Andy came by?"

She smiled and gestured toward the fridge. "He brought you some chicken soup. It looks homemade."

"I'm not surprised, Andy's a great cook." I uncovered the pot and attempted a sniff. My sense of smell was gone and the soup didn't look too appetizing all cold and congealed.

"Do you want me to heat it up for you?"

"No thanks. I think I can do it." I took the small pot and placed it onto the stove. The microwave would be faster but it was already in the pot. I still didn't feel like eating but he had gone to so much trouble. When the steam started rising I took a tentative bite. I couldn't vouch for the taste but the warm broth felt good on my throat and the steam opened my sinuses a bit. I ate two bowls of it before going back to bed.

The next morning I decided to clear my head with a hot shower before conference. Today, I would dress and sit in the living room with everyone else around Kristen's laptop. Then at least if I fell asleep someone would wake me up.

The shower did wonders for my symptoms. I could smell that someone had just popped popcorn. I padded down the hall in my fuzzy slippers and my favorite comfortable sweats.

The living room was full of roommates and friends. Tony was sitting by Kristen and Jackie had invited over the girls from next door. Melissa must be the one popping popcorn. I was looking for a place to sit when there was a knock at the door. It was Andy.

"I was hoping you might be feeling well enough to have some company today."

"I do feel a little better. Thanks for the soup."

He smiled. "Can I come in and watch with you?" I opened the door wider and gestured for him to enter. He looked at the crowd gathered around the laptop and seemed to change his plans. "Do you think we could bundle you up and take you over to my place? You could rest and there's more room."

I sighed but nodded. "Give me a minute." I walked down the hall and got my comforter. I wrapped it around myself and over my wet hair. Then we walked over to his apartment. Mark and Nathan were the only ones in the living room preparing for the start of the session. Andy took one look around the place and kicked them off the couch. "I can take the floor," I insisted.

"Not hardly," Mark said, moving to the floor. Both he and Andy gave Nathan a look. Nathan brushed the couch cushion for me as he stood and saluted.

"Mark's right, you get the couch," Andy seconded. He frowned when I sat up and offered the rest to him. He was hesitating when John walked in the door with Emily and Andy had no choice but to sit beside me leaving the rest of the couch for someone else.

"Wow, Megan, you look terrible," Emily said.

"She's sick," Mark, Nathan and Andy all said together.

"I've looked worse, I'm sure," I said, smiling. John and Emily, who were holding hands, sat on the floor. Nathan stood and walked over to the couch, making me move down a space so that he couldn't see them. Andy started to protest and I shook my head. He sighed but didn't say anything. With everyone in place, conference began.

Mark handed me a glass of water and during the talks would raise an eyebrow at me if I hadn't taken a drink in a while. He refilled it twice before the session ended. I made it through the session but all that water made it necessary to run home and use the bathroom.

While I was home in my apartment, I considered taking a nap but I knew the guys would wonder where I was. Instead, I printed a short baby name list I had found on the internet and headed back.

We spent the time between sessions throwing around names for Andy's doodle. Some of the names had such crazy meanings. I was surprised. We ate leftover chicken soup and again it hit the spot. It felt good having friends with me and I was having fun despite the aching sinuses.

By the time, conference began again my throat and head were hurting from laughing so much. We'd narrowed the name choice down to three: Spike, Bronson, and Petri. I was partial to Petri, because of its foreign feel. Andy said it sounded sissy. He seemed to like Spike but I thought that was too tough. Bronson was a sort of compromise. How did anyone ever agree on names for their children? I wondered how many people out there were walking around with a tie breaker name.

As soon as the closing prayer was said, I made my excuses. It wasn't that hard, I barely had a voice. Andy insisted on escorting me back. Though there wasn't much he could do, the gentle pressure of his hand on my back was comforting. He gave me a quick hug and sent me in out of the wind.

* * *

Monday morning I chose to attend classes. I was still stuffy and weak enough that I called into work. I wasn't sure I should be handling other people's food. I took another long nap in the late afternoon, skipping dinner and family home evening. I apologized to Jackie who was our FHE mom. She seemed disappointed that I wouldn't be there but I promised to help with next week's activity if she needed me.

I kept my routine very simple: classes, sleep, and repeat. Wednesday I was able to add work back into my schedule. All that rest was paying off and I was feeling better every day. By Thursday, I was all ready for Rebekah's visit.

After my class, I called Mark. I wasn't sure what time we were leaving for Salt Lake. Andy answered, "Megan, how are you feeling? I've been wanted to see you all week but I wanted you to rest too."

"I'm better, thanks. It must have been all the well wishes and the chicken soup. What are you doing with Mark's phone?"

"He's sleeping. I told him I would get your call."

"He's sleeping? Aren't we supposed to be going soon?"

"Yeah, it's about time for him to wake up. I think he wants to leave at three."

"He isn't sick is he?" It would be terrible if I'd made him sick for his sister's visit.

"No, he just worked a graveyard shift last night so that he would have the day off to get Rebekah. Wait, I'll wake him up."

"Actually, I'll just come by in about half an hour. I haven't had lunch yet."

"That's good. He'll need to get ready."

I hung up and made a quick sandwich. I was still a little stuffy so I jumped in the steamy shower for a few minutes. I was done and dressed by 2:45, so I walked over to see if Mark was ready yet.

Mark was up, but he looked really sleepy. When his hair was wet it seemed more curly. His shower hadn't woken him up enough. "Oh you're here, good. Megan, do you think you can drive?"

"I think I should." I said looking at his puffy eyes. "Oh, but I can't drive a stick."

"No problem," Andy spoke up. He walked to the counter and tossed me his keys. "Take my car. I just filled it up."

"Thanks." Mark said, giving his friend a very weak and sleepy punch in the arm.

I motioned toward the door and then waved goodbye to Andy. He returned my wave and added a "Drive safe." There was also a big flirty smile that I added to my total.

"We will."

We walked to Andy's car that was just a few spaces away. "Wait here." Mark said and he ran down to his truck that was at the end of the lot. I played with the seat adjustment while I waited.

He returned a few minutes later with his arms full. "What's all that?"

"Map to Dad's hotel, Rebekah's favorite candy bar in case she is hungry on the way back, a bottle of water, and some tissues." He handed the last two items to me. "You've been sick, hydrate."

I smiled, opened the bottle dutifully, and took a drink. "You think of everything."

"Yeah, except for how tired I would be. Thanks for driving."

"I can read road signs and maps, you should sleep."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely, I'll just turn the radio on softly. If that won't bother you?"

"Nope." He leaned the seat back a bit and closed his eyes. It was kind of fun to drive again, it had been almost two months. We were about to the Interstate when I heard a faint snore. I bit my lip so that I wouldn't laugh out loud. He sounded so much like George. I'm sure with my stuffy nose I had been making all kinds of noise in my sleep lately too. At least he was getting some sleep; it was going to be a busy weekend.

Just as we were entering the Salt Lake Valley, he woke up. "We have a while. You can sleep more."

"Can't sleep anymore. I'm getting too excited." He put the seat back up and his legs started to bounce up and down nervously. He looked at me and said, "It's silly, I know. My parents keep telling me I need a life outside of the family. That's one reason why they encouraged me to go to school here."

"I think it's nice that you think about your family so much. I used to spend a lot of time with my brother, George."

"Not anymore?"

"No, he's engaged now. He didn't even bother to call me to tell he was getting married."

"Oh, too busy, huh?"

"Something like that."

We sat a few minutes in silence while I tried to find my way through the maze of freeways. When I was sure I was heading in the right direction, I said, "I can't believe I'm doing this, but can I tell you something?" It was something I had been thinking of this week. I surprised myself because it wasn't until this moment that I knew I was going to tell and whom I would tell. It just seemed right to have someone know my secret and I knew Mark would get it.

"Sure, you can tell me." Then he hesitated, "It isn't about Andy is it?"

I smiled. "Nope."

He sat up straighter. "Shoot."

"Remember when you asked me if there was something wrong a couple of weeks ago?"

"Yes."

"Well it was time for my annual cancer follow up and I really hate those appointments."

Mark sat stunned for a moment. "Go on."

"I was diagnosed when I was 16. It was kind of a big deal, but it's over and I wish I could just forget it, you know?"

"But you have to be checked every year and it just brings everything up again." He nodded as if he understood and I did feel better. "Did the check go well?"

"Yes, mostly. There was a little scare, but the tests came back clean."

"Why didn't you say anything? We could have helped you through it."

"I didn't want anyone to get down because of me. I make my mom worried enough. Besides the less people who know the easier it is to forget it."

"I'm glad you told me, but why did you, if you feel that way about it?"

"I'm not sure, I guess I just needed one friend who I could talk about it with. My friend Spencer is normally the one I talk to about this stuff, but he's on his mission now. Anyway, enough of that, I think the hotel is on this street. Help me watch for the address."

Mark grabbed the paper from the space between us, allowing me to change the subject without comment. "Yeah, it looks like the next block is it. Wait, I see it. Pull in up there." He pointed to the small two story hotel on the left just a half a block away. I changed lanes and drove into the parking lot. The traffic had been hectic but I was used to traffic. Even though I had just confessed my secret, I didn't feel weird, just less lonely. Mark's enthusiasm was showing again as we made our way through the parking lot.

"Where should I park?"

"Drive around and I will look for my dad's car. There, see the white land barge; that's it." I laughed at the description.

"Don't laugh. Trust me, my dad needs the space. When I was little I used to try to climb him, pretending to be Spiderman."

"Big?"

"Building big, but soft as a teddy bear."

"He sounds nice." I pulled into a space just two cars down from the barge.

"We need their room number, but I want to surprise them."

"Maybe we can get it from the front desk?"

"I will, but before I go..." He reached across and grabbed my hand. "...thanks for trusting me." He squeezed it and then let it go. I sat stunned for a minute, then undid my seatbelt so that I could go with him. "You don't have to come. I won't be long."

"I don't mind, then we can go straight to the room, unless you wanted to see them alone?"

"No. I want you to meet them. Everyone should get a chance to be hugged by my dad. Come on."
Chapter 6

The inner hallway of the hotel was lined with dark blue doors, each with a golden number. We assumed 211 was on the second floor so we headed for the stairs. Mark took them two at a time, partly because of excitement and partly because his legs were just so long. He reached the door before I had caught up and he didn't wait before he knocked. It was like watching a big kid at Christmas.

The door flew open and a whirl of long, black hair jumped through the opening. Mark expertly caught his sister's hug and returned it, spinning her in the air. She reached up to play with the curls on his head; he needed a cut.

"Why haven't you cut your hair? You look silly. How are you supposed to find a girlfriend that way?"

"Leave your brother alone," I heard a soft, deep voice say. "Good to see you son. Come in for a minute then we can go to dinner." Rebekah flitted back inside and I walked slowly up to the scene I had been observing from about ten feet away; mostly because Mark reached his hand out to me. I considered wrapping my arm around his and acting like the girlfriend Rebekah was so sure he couldn't get, but decided it would make Mark too uncomfortable.

"Rebekah, Dad, this is Megan," Mark said as we stepped inside the pastel room. Seeing Brother Cole for the first time was a shock even after Mark's description. He really was a building; well over six feet with solid, wide shoulders. Standing next to Mark had always made me feel short but even Mark was short next to his dad. "She's the friend Rebekah will be staying with," Mark finished his introduction.

"Megan, I'm so happy to meet you!" Rebekah closed the gap between us with an energetic movement and hugged me. The hug was only a little gentler than the one Mark had received and I stumbled backwards a step. Mark put his arm out and held it to my back so that I wouldn't fall. "Sorry," she said pulling away and settling under the arm of her brother.

"Mark has told us a lot about you, Megan. I'm glad to meet you." Brother Cole stepped forward and gave me a gentle but firm hug. Now that explained Mark. He came from a family of huggers.

It was a nice moment of family when mine was far away. It had been almost two months since I had gotten a hug from my dad. When the formalities were over it was time for Mark's hug. I laughed as I watched his dad squeeze him tight and spin, just as Mark had spun Rebekah. It was a funny sight. Mark was a big guy, at least I had always thought so. The hug was completed with another appraisal of Mark's mop. "You really do need a haircut son."

Mark barked a laugh and tried to straighten the curls out again. "I'm enjoying a little length after all those mission haircuts. Give me a break." Mark stepped back protecting himself from another hug by wrapping one arm around Rebekah and one around me. "Where are we going to dinner?"

"It's Rebekah's choice. Where to, Button?"

Rebekah rolled her eyes at the nickname and then seemed to consider her options. "I want shrimp."

"I know just the place, and I can get steak too." Brother Cole smiled at the possibilities. "And French fries, but don't you tell your mom," he added conspiratorially. We all laughed as Brother Cole looked guilty.

"Rebekah, take Megan down to the car. We'll be right there," Mark said smiling reassuringly at me as Rebekah grabbed my hand and bounced out the door and down the hall.

"This is going to be so fun. What are we going to do? Do I get to go to classes with you? Are there any cute guys in your ward? Isn't Elder Spaulding one of Mark's roommates?"

We got out to the parking lot so fast, thanks to her skip-like walk, as her enthusiasm grew. Already, I felt old around her. Where did all that energy come from? Had I ever been this way?

"We have some things planned, but I wanted you to pick some things too. Tomorrow you are going to go to classes with me because Mark's classes aren't open for visitors. Yes, there are many cute guys and Elder Spaulding, we call him Andy now, is one of them. All of Mark's roommates are handsome."

We sat on the hood of the car for several minutes waiting for the men. I wondered what they were doing. We started a game of I-spy to pass the time and Rebekah finally guessed the green gas station sign across the street.

"Shotgun!" Rebekah hollered when she saw Mark walking towards the car.

"Well, that just never gets old," Brother Cole said shaking his head as he opened his door. "No cuddling back there, son," he added as Mark and I climbed in the back seat. I had to slide in because there was a suit hanging over the other door.

I felt a blush of embarrassment, but I was sure it was nowhere near as red as Mark was. "Thanks, Dad. I'll keep that in mind." I was once again tempted to snuggle in close and pretend, but I resisted the urge. Mark looked at me with an apologetic smile that I couldn't count. I tried a joke to ease his discomfort.

"How do you know there's an elephant in your refrigerator?" I paused as eyes focused on me, "You can't close the door." Groans came from all the Coles as we started off for the restaurant. I smiled because Mark was no longer embarrassed. Silly jokes had always worked to put my friends at ease, especially when I was in the hospital.

It wasn't far to the restaurant. The Coles managed to give a rundown on everyone in the family before we parked. Brother Cole walked around to open Rebekah's door and I could see where Mark had learned to be such a gentleman. I started to slide towards Mark expecting him to get out. I was right up next to him before I realized that he wasn't moving. I looked at him puzzled. "I just wanted to apologize for keeping you waiting." His eyes were blinking as if he were trying to adjust his vision with me so close.

"No, problem. Rebekah and I were just getting to know each other. Is everything okay?"

"I was just being nosy." He continued when he saw my questioning look. "I made Dad check his blood sugar." I smiled broadly trying not to laugh. "What?" he protested, placing a hand on my arm and shaking me gently.

"Nothing, I was just thinking that I wouldn't expect any different from you."

"Great, so now I have a reputation as a busy body."

"But a loveable one," I teased putting the tip of my finger on his nose.

"At least you didn't knock my curls." At the reminder, I couldn't resist reaching up and messing the curly top. The curls were springy but soft. Mark sighed exasperated and I smirked at him. In this playful moment, I forgot about the audience just outside the car; Brother Cole rapped lightly on the window startling me into a jump. Mark laughed and tried to fix the damage I had done to his hair. "Let's go eat before we give them anymore to tease us about."

"Tease you about. I won't even see your dad after tonight." I leaned my head to the side. "Hey, I could give him all kinds of reasons to tease you and I would be safe." I moved forward before he could open the door and pecked him on the cheek. I heard a squeal from Rebekah.

Mark was sitting stunned, his hand absently probing his cheek. "Sorry, I couldn't resist. But she should know that you could easily have a girlfriend." He continued unmoving and I got a little worried. "Did I offend you? I'm really sorry, sometimes I just get silly."

Mark shook his head as if he were trying to wake up. He grabbed my hand as he opened the door and pulled me up. "It's okay," he smiled, "I was just thinking of Andy. Let's go eat."

Brother Cole was clearing his throat as Mark closed the car door. Rebekah ran over to me and wrapped her arm around mine. "Let's eat. I'm so hungry." Then to me in a lower voice, "We so need to talk." I was whisked away wondering what I was going to say now. I felt like I had just put my foot in my mouth and I hadn't even said anything. I should listen less to my spontaneous side.

I tried to steer the conversation in a safe direction while we were waiting for our meal. "Well, I can sure see where Mark gets his height."

Rebekah looked puzzled at Mark and then to me again. "Didn't Mark tell you we were adopted?"

I eyed Rebekah more closely considering her dark features. She certainly didn't look anything like Mark or her dad. "No, I guess it never came up."

Mark spoke up, "It's true. I don't get my height from my dad, just his tendency to give big hugs." It was Mark's turn to grin at me.

"I just wish I was responsible for his organizational skills, but his mom gets all the credit there." Brother Cole added.

During dinner, I had the enjoyable experience of listening to the Coles update Mark on what was going on at home. He asked about each family member in detail wondering about school and scouts. They didn't seem to find his questions odd and provided the information easily. It seemed there were two brothers who were 12, Caleb and Micah. I gathered that Caleb had just been ordained a deacon this summer but Micah had not. I wondered about that but was afraid to ask, so I listened more.

After dinner, we made our way back to the hotel without me making things awkward. I was grateful that Mark seemed to be too wrapped up in his family to be mad at me for my childishness earlier. I suspected he wouldn't hold a grudge, he just wasn't the type.

We got back to the hotel and Rebekah ran up to grab her bag. "Don't let her run too wild." Brother Cole cautioned.

"She'll be too busy for that. Megan has the schedule packed." Mark said opening the trunk of Andy's car.

We said our goodbyes. As we were driving away, Mark said, "Anywhere you want to stop tonight, girls?"

Rebekah's face lit up. "Could you introduce me to your roommates and can we see the temple?"

Mark reached across and messed Rebekah's hair this time. "Already planning on it. How about you, Megan," he called to the backseat.

"I'm good, I should probably turn in early; work tomorrow." I smiled at the eyes that shined in the rear view mirror at me. I couldn't see the smile but I was sure it was there. "Besides you two have a lot of catching up to do. Just let me show Rebekah the apartment first in case you are out late."

We rode in silence for several minutes and then Mark turned the radio on. I couldn't resist singing along and missing George as I did. Ever since George had gotten his license, he and I had sung to the radio as loudly and often as dreadfully as we could. Now I listened as Mark picked up a harmony and Rebekah joined me on the melody. It was just like riding with George except they actually sounded good. We giggled and tapped the beat out on the seats and steering wheel as we rode down the dark highway.

We could see the Provo temple before we even reached town as it shined against the dark mountain. We drove up around it and I enjoyed the site as much as Rebekah who was seeing it for the first time. Mark turned the radio off and we sat parked for a minute just looking. Mark grabbed Rebekah's hand. "It won't be long and you will get to go inside."

"Inside again, you mean."

"You've been here before?"

"This is the temple where I got sealed to Mom and Dad. Christian and Mark were sealed in this temple too."

"Wow, it must be really neat to see it again."

"It isn't as big as I remember."

"That's because you're a lot bigger now. You were only three the last time."

"I bet you were so cute in your little white dress. Did you guys take pictures?"

"Sure, Mom has a whole wall of pictures at home. One family picture for each sealing."

"How many have there been?"

"Well there was Mark. Christian and I would make two. Then there was Caleb... three. Micah and Anna make four."

I counted in my head and thought about the names I'd heard tonight. "What about Ruth?"

"Oh, she wasn't adopted."

"Really?"

"She's our little miracle." Mark added with a fond smile.

"You're just saying that because you don't have to live with her. She's been so whiny lately." This made Mark laugh and he messed Rebekah's hair again. I was relieved because Rebekah's comment made me feel better about my own family. Up 'til now I was wondering how the Coles managed to be so perfect.

We sat for a few moments in silence just enjoying the Spirit of the temple grounds.

Mark shook his head back and forth and stretched his arms. He didn't stretch far before running up against the confines of the car. After a big yawn he said, "I should probably get you girls home. Megan especially."

"I'm fine. Take your time." I was feeling tired but my mind was wide awake and full of questions. Mark's family seemed so interesting. I didn't want to be rude with too many questions and they did have the next couple of days.

After a more subdued drive to the apartments, I gave Rebekah the rundown of where everything was and introduced her to Kristen, Jackie, and Melissa. Then she left with Mark and I got ready for bed. It was still early enough and my brain wasn't ready to shut down for the night so I pulled my books out to do a little studying.

I had a hard time concentrating because I kept thinking about our guest. It wasn't long before I regretted not going with her to see Andy's reaction to meeting Rebekah. It would be fun to watch him squirm.

When she got back, it was late. I had decided to wait up for her just to be a good hostess. I tried not to let her see how tired I was as she talked past midnight. I was forming a habit, it had been less than two weeks since I stayed up late to talk with friends. I wasn't much for talking about the normal girl stuff like boys and clothes, so Jackie and Rebekah did most of the talking. I did enjoy hearing Rebekah's take on her brother's roommates. Too bad there was a kind of implied confidentiality in these girl's talks. I finally left Rebekah in Jackie's hands and rolled over to sleep. My alarm was going to seem even earlier than usual when it went off in four hours. I was almost out when I heard a squeal of delight. "She really kissed him?" Somehow, through my sleepy state I managed to feel the terror of this information in Jackie's hands.

* * *

The next morning Rebekah stayed with Jackie while I went to work. I was a little jealous as I left them both sleeping. I'd gotten a little less than four hours of sleep but it was worth it if she was having fun.

Rebekah joined me later and went with me to some of my classes. I enjoyed watching Rebekah's eyes pop open when she entered the auditorium for my history class. Between classes, her head swiveled around trying to take in all the sights. I was tempted to grab her by the hand and lead her to where we were going. I remembered my first time on campus and could appreciate some of what she was going through but she was probably a lot less used to crowds than I was.

After classes, we met Mark and he treated us to a late lunch. After that, we went to the bookstore. Rebekah looked for little souvenirs for everyone in the family. Mark's smile broadened and his eyes danced as he helped her choose. Between the two of them, each person was assured a thoughtful gift. It was so much fun being with them. I knew the Mark's big smiles were not for me and I couldn't count them but it didn't reduce my enjoyment of them.

Though Mark was focused on the gift choosing, he couldn't help but notice the way Rebekah's eyes followed every guy that passed us. I laughed to myself remembering the way she had gushed last night about how good looking all of Mark's roommates were. I would not be sharing that conversation with Mark. I also was never going to tell Andy that she had said he was cuter in his mission pictures because his hair was thinner now.

Rebekah bit her lip and made a small, happy noise as we passed an especially handsome guy on our way out. Mark covered his eyes with his hand and I couldn't help a giggle. I was proud of him for controlling that overprotective side even though it was difficult. Trying to recover the situation, I said, "Well we had better get going if we are going to find a good spot in the canyon for dinner."

Mark sighed in relief and we headed back to the apartments to gather supplies and people. The idea of isolating his sister in the mountains away from all the dangers of campus must have appealed a lot to Mark.

The group that would be going with us was not as large as I was hoping for, but perhaps it didn't matter. We really didn't need big numbers to have fun. Jackie and Melissa would be coming with us but Kristen had plans already. Among the guys, I was only sure about Mark.

I managed to talk Andy into coming with us by promising that I would be his date. This way he wouldn't seem unattached around Rebekah, not that she would care. It was funny that he was so afraid of her. Together Mark and Andy talked Nathan into missing the game and coming with us.

The drive up the canyon was beautiful. Mark, Rebekah and Jackie were in his truck while the rest of us went in Andy's car. Our group was lively but I was a bit quiet. It was a combination of being tired and wondering what interesting conversations were going on between the Coles.

The fire was roaring in no time; there must have been some former scouts among us. As we all sat around talking and laughing, it brought back memories of camping with my family. Everyone found a stick and tried to cook a hotdog on the fire; some were more successful than others were. I put my hand on Mark's shoulder to keep him quiet when Nathan offered to help Rebekah who was struggling with hers. Very happy to receive the help, she smiled broadly up at him; yet another smile I enjoyed but couldn't count. I was pretty sure that Rebekah could have figured out how to cook the hotdog herself. She was really much better at this flirting thing than I was.

Mark started to clear his throat and I tightened my fingers on his shoulder. If he wasn't careful, his overprotectiveness was really going to embarrass Rebekah. Andy elbowed me, his eyebrows raised and I gave him a look that said, "Can't you control your friend?" He grinned and left his place beside me to sit on the other side of Mark.

Melissa scooted over into the space next to me that Andy had just left. Nathan sat across the fire from us with Jackie on one side and Rebekah on the other. He didn't look like he was missing that game much.

The sun started to set and we quickly cleaned up dinner before we were out of light. Mark anchored the trash bag in the back of his truck with a log from the bundle of firewood he'd brought. I wouldn't even have thought of bring firewood. Sometimes, I thought his attention to detail was well suited for a career in recreation.

The seating arrangements when we sat back down were almost the same except for this time Mark was sitting next to his sister. She barely seemed to notice because all of her focus was on Nathan to her right. I had Andy sit beside Mark again so that he could provide some kind of calming influence.

Darkness, lit only by campfire has a way of bringing out the showmanship in some people. You never really need to plan for entertainment around a fire because it just seems to happen spontaneously. Nathan started us off with his Donald Duck voice. Somehow, it sounded funnier in the dark. The girls on either side of Nathan giggled and their eyes danced in the firelight. Encouraged, he moved on to his impression of a gorilla trying to catch a balloon. He was leaping around the circle with his arms hanging. Mark seemed torn between amusement and caution as his eyes moved back and forth from Nathan to Rebekah.

Andy was next up on the program, suggesting that we all sing some hymns. It warmed my heart to sit there in the circle and sing with my friends. He reached over and held my hand and I squeezed it.

After several hymns, we moved on the inevitable. Melissa began a ghost story. She made it only two sentences before it started.

"Is this the one where the ghost is looking for its head?"

"I've heard this one before. Isn't it buried somewhere in the woods?"

"No, that's another story, in this one the ghost is looking for its dog."

"Oh, I've heard that one."

"Me too."

By now, the mood was broken and there was really no point in continuing the story. I was secretly glad; I didn't care much for scary stories, especially in the woods at night.

We let the fire die down as we talked. Rebekah occasionally turned to have her brother whisper something in her ear that made her grin. How wonderful that the two of them could be together and that Mark could relax enough to enjoy it.

Melissa was riding with Mark and Rebekah this time. I wondered if she might be looking for some more time with Mark. Would Rebekah notice someone crushing on her brother? I figured the answer was not today. She seemed in her own little world. Then I wondered if I should find some discreet time to talk to Melissa about the kiss with Mark. The idea of having to explain that one didn't thrill me much.

I brightened as we drove because it soon became apparent that such a discussion might not be necessary. Jackie was in full flirt mode with Nathan in the back seat. This was probably the real cause of the seating changes. I couldn't blame her. Nathan had definitely shined tonight. Rebekah would have probably kicked me out of the car so that she could ride with Nathan too but being on a date with Andy had made that impossible. Besides, I doubted that Mark would stand for it.

* * *

It was late when we got back, but Rebekah was still really excited. We said quick good nights to the guys and went back to our apartment for some ice cream and late night girl talk again. Tonight's conversation seemed to be all about Nathan. Both Jackie and Rebekah were gushing about how cute he was. I smiled thinking of the other Nathan I knew, the one who watched ESPN nonstop and couldn't lose with grace.

I was yawning well before the others showed any signs of being tired. I didn't really have anything to contribute to the conversation anyway. Even without much participation from me, we were up past 2 am. We went to bed and as soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out.

Saturday morning was Rebekah's choice of activities. She really wanted to spend some more time with Mark's roommates, mostly Nathan. We made pancake batter, grabbed some board games and dishes, and then marched over to D41. It was just the two of us this morning. Jackie was sleeping in. Sleeping in sounded wonderful to me too, but Rebekah was only here a short time. The cold shower I took to wake me up worked but I could tell that I wasn't as peppy as usual.

Mark welcomed us in with a big smile. I figured I could count that one because I had brought his sister over for him. Okay, so it was a stretch but the week was almost over and I was padding my total.

He was pleased that we would be staying in for the morning. He looked a little tired, too, but I suspect the real reason was that he wouldn't have to protect Rebekah from a city of guys. Fortunately, from Mark's point of view, Nathan was leaving early for work. Rebekah was a bit disappointed by the news, but managed not to appear too down in front of Mark. She soon rallied and we started to make the pancakes.

It was a good thing that we had lots of batter because everyone was hungry. It had been too long since I'd eaten breakfast with my brothers. It was just like Saturday morning at home. Though I loved the atmosphere, I didn't feel at all like digging in. I picked at my food, trying to decide if I felt like eating.

I had to shake it off; I was supposed to be leading this party. I jumped up and took my plate to the sink, disposing of the half eaten pancake as I went. Then I cleared the coffee table so that we could set up the first board game.

"Andy, we need music. Got any?" I commanded rather than asked.

"Yep," he shoved in his last bite of pancake (the bite was big enough to be three bites) and jogged down the hall.

In no time, we were laughing and playing. Rebekah was really enjoying herself and Mark glowed with joy as he watched her. The music Andy provided was a bit odd. He informed us it was his dance practice CD from a social dance class he'd had last semester. This gave the guys an idea. Andy and Mark moved the table into the hall so that the floor would be clear for dancing. Andy grabbed my hand and tried to show us some of the swing moves, but I was so tired that I felt more dizzy than anything else. Mark became Rebekah's partner and the two danced as if they had practiced together lots. Was this perhaps, a Cole family tradition, like singing in the car or bear hugs?

Lunch was a picnic in the park and my favorite, a surprise. We had been unable to get tickets to any musical performances this weekend but there was a free hand bell choir concert going on at a downtown park. We carried blankets and food to the concert area as they were setting up. This way we got a good seat and we got to watch as they tested their bells. Rebekah was very intent as she watched the care with which they handled them. Each bell ringer wore white gloves. The music that came from the bells was amazing. It was such an enjoyable afternoon that I wasn't ready for it to end.

With the concert over, it was time for Mark and Rebekah to head to Salt Lake. He was going to take her to Temple Square before they met their dad for dinner. I gave Rebekah a hug and a card with my phone number in it, hoping she would call me if she needed another girl to talk too. Though, I suspected in the Cole house that she had plenty of company.

The rest of the day I planned to devote to homework, but I was useless. There were still plenty of things like laundry and shopping to take care of so I set the books aside and did my chores. I seemed to be doing this a lot. Amazingly, my grades were okay. I was blessed with easy classes this semester, I guess.

The next morning when I got up for church I felt dizzy. It took me a minute before I could stand safely. Clearly, I had overdone this week. While I waited for my turn to shower, I tried some breakfast but nothing sounded good. I settled for nibbling on some crackers and had a small glass of juice.

Even after my shower, it was obvious to my roommates that something was wrong. I guessed my wrinkled dress and wet hair pulled back in a scrunchie were good clues. I'd just had too many late nights recently. With a little rest, I would be good as new.

"You look terrible. Maybe you should stay home." Kristen said as she spied the lines around my eyes.

"I'm fine. I'm just a little tired."

Andy seemed not to notice my disarray. He beamed at me with a wide smile as he held my door open. That was smile number one for the week. I could see Mark getting into his truck with a piece of toast in his teeth. I hoped he'd had a good visit with his dad. Andy told me about work as we drove to church. Apparently, the restaurant was packed and all four tables in the balcony were full. He had drawn the short straw and had waited on all of them. I smiled compassionately as he rubbed the back of his legs complaining about the stairs. Maybe Kristen was right; I should have stayed home. I wasn't even being good company.

As our group made its way into the large lecture room for Sacrament Meeting, Mark placed his long arm across my back and squeezed my shoulders. "Thank you so much for your help. Rebekah had a wonderful time. She left very happy."

"No problem. I had fun too."

He looked more carefully and grabbed my arm. "We'll catch up," Mark called as he stopped off to the side. Andy looked back, curiosity clear on his face but he kept walking. "How sick are you Megan?"

"I'm not sick, I'm just tired."

"You look awful we shouldn't have pushed you so much especially since you were just getting over something." He shook his head. "Sorry."

"It's no big deal. I'll just take a nap."

"You need to be more careful." He reached up feeling my forehead and checking my eyes. "You need to go home and go to bed. I'll drive you, just let me tell them I'm going."

"Stop!" I said as forcefully as I could without shouting. "I want to stay for church. I didn't tell you that stuff so you could baby me." I marched angrily past him and into the room with more energy than I'd used all morning. The prelude played quietly and I took my seat. For the first time today, I was feeling something other than tired... I was mad.

Andy smiled at me. I rubbed my eyes. They were so tired they were tearing.

"Are you okay?" he whispered.

"Yes, just tired."

"Oh, well rest your head here." He placed his arm around my shoulders and pressed his hand against my face to push it down onto his arm. I had to admit it felt good to rest my head a moment. I heard Mark sit down but I didn't look at him. Why had I told him about the cancer? He was as bad as a mother hen. Spencer was never like that. He used to tell me to get over it so that we could hang out again.

I declined the invitation from Andy to go over for dinner. Instead, I went straight home from church and crawled into bed, mostly because I was tired but also because I didn't want to see Mark. I was still angry.
Chapter 7

It was Monday morning when I got out of bed again. 5:15 was a little easier this morning, maybe because I had been asleep for 14 hours. I went through my normal routine to get ready, which wasn't that involved. I tried to be out the door by 5:30 so that I would have a good half an hour to get to work. I grabbed my backpack and headed out the door.

My bike wasn't in the rack. I walked to a rack nearby looking for it but I was sure I had parked it in the usual spot. It couldn't be stolen. I was sure that I'd locked it up.

"Looking for something?"

I looked up and scanned the parking lot for the source of the voice. "My bike," I said, feeling wary. Mark was standing beside his truck with his arms folded across his chest. His eyes were sleepy and his hair looked like he had just rolled out of bed.

"I've got it. Come on."

I walked over to him, my arms crossed. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was being mothered again and I didn't like it.

"I can ride my bike to work. I'm fine. Please give it to me." I said it nicely but I was firm. If I wasted much more time I might be late to work.

"I know you can. I can see you feel better. Look better too. This is all about breakfast."

"Breakfast? I've already eaten."

"No. My breakfast. Crow, I believe, is on the menu. Seriously, please let me apologize. Get in."

He held the door open and I caved. "Fine but I really need to get to work."

"I am really sorry that I offended you. I get nosy and bossy. It's a big flaw. I just don't like to see the people I care about hurting themselves."

I wasn't going to let him off that easy. "But you took private information and rubbed it in my face. I told you I hated it when people worried about me, but you still..."

"Megan, I can't help that I know now. And yes, it is sometimes going to affect how I react. But really it's only because I want you to be healthy."

I sighed. It was the same with my mom. I couldn't be mad at someone for caring, even if it was obnoxious. "You have to trust me to take care of myself. I'm not a baby." This was something I wanted him to understand upfront. Maybe we could avoid this in the future.

"You're right. I'm sorry. Bu...." He stopped abruptly.

"Just say it."

"No, I don't think I will."

"Mark, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. I know you were just being a good friend. You'll feel better if you just say it, so go ahead."

He looked at me hesitantly. "It's just that I think you are more concerned with everyone else than you are with yourself and as long as that is the case I will be watching out for you. I should have been paying better attention this weekend."

"Thank you, that's really sweet, but I don't want you to worry about me all the time. I hate being the cause of that."

"I won't be worrying, just watching. There's a difference... really." He looked at my skeptical expression. "Honest."

I put my face in my hands and shook my head. After a moment I sat back up and brushed my hair back into place.

"Well if it wasn't me you were worrying about, I'm sure it would be someone else."

"Figured that out did ya?" I smile spread across his face, a genuine 'picture worth a thousand words' kind of smile. I wanted to count it twice. "Could you try to keep it a secret that I'm a big time meddler, please?"

I laughed as if he was already forgiven. I seemed like I was letting him off too easy, but I just couldn't help it. He'd melted away any frustration I'd felt.

Mark parked the truck and got the bike out of the back for me. While I looked it up, I asked, "How did you get my bike out of the rack? I was sure I locked it up."

"You did. I know the combination from the night of the concert. I saw you take the chain off so that you could lock it up."

I put it in the rack and turned into a hug. If I got too many more of these hugs, I might just become an honorary Cole. His embrace was comforting so I lingered for a moment. I liked not being mad at him much better.

"Thanks for the ride. When's your first class?"

"Ten. I'm not much of a morning person," He climbed back into his truck and drove away. Just like I'd suspected, he had gotten out of bed just for me. How could such little things make me feel so special? These guys were spoiling me.

The ride had given me an extra ten minutes so I checked my phone messages. I had missed a call from my mom last night and a call from Rebekah, if I got the area code right. I would call every one tomorrow. Tonight, I promised myself another date with my bed; I would be heading there after dinner.

Thursday night, Andy showed up with flowers. These flowers had a fall theme and were all oranges and yellows. It was a beautiful arrangement and I was flattered.

"I've missed you this week. How are you feeling?" he said.

"I'm great! I just needed to catch up on my sleep. What have I missed?"

"Nothing, really. We're sort of boring without you to organize us." What an absurdity. It wasn't as if I was having a party all week. Andy just grinned at me and I playfully punched him in the arm. I hadn't gotten many smiles this week since I'd spent so much time in bed. "Can I take you to dinner?"

"That sounds good but I was just about to eat. Want to join me?" I wanted to kick myself for inviting him. I was a little embarrassed by my cooking. Andy was such a great cook and I was just learning. "As long as you promise not to laugh or make faces when you taste it."

"I promise," he said, crossing his heart with his index finger.

I dished up two helpings of brown rice and vegetable stir fry. I was trying to eat healthier. All the extra rest this week had gone a long way towards improving the way I felt, but some added nutrition couldn't hurt. This seemed like a good source of vitamins even though I'd never really cooked it before.

The flavor wasn't bad, I noted as I took my first bite. I'd gotten the spices in the stir fry just right. It was the texture that made me grimace.

"Hey, you said no faces," Andy complained while he chewed.

"I've never cooked brown rice before, but I don't think it is supposed to be this crunchy."

"Brown rice just takes longer than white. No worries, you'll get the hang of it." His encouraging words and smile made me feel better even if I couldn't count it. This smile just seemed too much like a pity smile.

"We could still go out," I offered as I choked down the next bite.

"But you've already cooked." He manfully took another bite and chewed and chewed and chewed. The sight of him chewing for longer than should be necessary gave me a fit of the giggles. Big tears formed in my eyes as I tried to get myself under control. They spilled over onto my cheeks. Andy picked up on them right away and couldn't resist, "Don't cry, Megan. See, I'm eating it." He placed another bite into his mouth and the giggles returned in force.

"What are you doing to Megan?" Melissa inquired as she exited her room, flute in hand. She took one look at my red face and started to laugh too.

"I think it's because she thinks I hate her cooking. But I'm almost finished." He held his bowl out to show her and then scooped another bite into his mouth. I pushed my bowl away and laid my head on the table still trying to get control of my giggles. Melissa gave up on getting coherent speech from me and went back to practicing.

Andy mercifully was silent for a time and I finally calmed enough to speak. "Okay, ice cream is on me. You definitely deserve it after that performance."

* * *

The next day was sure to be an interesting one. I had an assignment for one of my recreation classes to spend a day in a wheelchair. This was supposed to teach me about accessibility. By necessity, my day would not begin until I finished work. Friday morning, I walked to work so that I would not have to worry about my bike. After my shift, I picked up the wheelchair at my professor's office.

I signed out the chair, sat down, and proceeded to make my way through to my first class. Luckily, I had a good half an hour to get there – and it looked like I was going to need it. I found my progress was very slow. I didn't realize how weak my arms were until I tried to wheel the chair up a small ramp. I was unable to go the whole way without resting and when I stopped to rest, the chair would roll backwards. It took several tries before I made it.

The day was a lot more difficult than I expected. To make things worse, when classes were over I realized I would never be able to get home on my own power. I tried Mark's cell first but he his line was busy. Andy answered my call on the second ring and happily came to pick me up. It took some doing but with the back seat down we were able to get the folded wheelchair into his car. We just had to drive with the hatchback door up.

"So how was your day?"

"Interesting... I had no idea."

He dropped me off as close to my door as he could, hoping this would help me, but then we noticed the ramp was down about a hundred feet from where he had parked. He wrestled the chair from the back and set it up for me. "Can't you just cheat?"

I sighed, "No, the whole point is to see what it is really like."

"Can I at least push you?"

"Sure, and thanks for asking. You know some people today just came up behind me and started pushing, without even saying anything to me. It made me feel really out of control."

"They were probably just trying to help."

"Yeah, I know, but still I'm a person. I felt like an obstacle."

"Well, there you go. You learned something... now you will never do that." He saw me safely through my front door and mussed my hair on his way out. Alone in the kitchen, I tried fixing myself a snack. Everything looked so different now. I had no idea how high the upper cabinets really were or even how wide the kitchen sink was. I barely reached the faucet to wash an apple that I'd found on the counter.

How was I going to be fix dinner? Andy must have been thinking the same thing because he called a minute later.

"Hi, I'm coming over to help you with dinner tonight. You have no choice. I will be there in an hour."

"Sure, you just want to laugh at my cooking some more."

"Hey, I never laughed. That was you. Wait a second..." I held the line while he talked with someone in the background. A minute later he was back on the phone, "Mark's coming too; so make plenty." He laughed at his own joke and I groaned. "Hey where is that spunky attitude I like so much?"

He was right. I was being a lot more pessimistic than usual lately. Once in the early morning hours in my grey and pink walled hospital room, I had given into the loneliness and despair. I cried, curled in on myself, not ignoring the pain or the boredom for once. The results had been a monster headache and pitiful glances from the nursing staff when they brought me my morning meds. From that moment on, I promised never to let myself get so down again. No one had seen me that day, and I wasn't about to let Andy see me like that.

I worked on making my voice sound brighter. "I can't wait to see you both, remember it's black tie so don't disappoint."

My laugh was only a bit forced as he whistled. "Yes, Ma'am."

Although he had been joking, I started to wonder what I would make that would feed the bottomless pits who were coming to dinner. Enchiladas had always been my favorite so I'd made sure that my mom taught me how to make them. At least this time I wouldn't be embarrassed like I was with the rice.

A quick inventory of ingredients had me calling Andy back to see if he could pick up a few things before he came over. It was surprising how much effort was needed just to look in the refrigerator. It felt like I was dancing because of the way I had to change directions in my chair. It was probably a good thing that the guys were coming over or that apple would be all I'd be eating.

My roommates seemed to be buzzing around in all directions. Not one of them seemed to even notice the wheelchair. I think that the upcoming midterms might have something to do with it. I just tried to stay out of their way.

With my helpers, dinner was prepared in no time. Andy cooked the meat while Mark chopped the ingredients. They brought them over to the table so that I could assemble the enchiladas. Though they weren't as good as the ones I'd eaten at the restaurant with Andy, at least this time the complements were deserved. They both devoured their portions and went for seconds "It feels a little like I'm cheating to have had so much help with dinner." I complained.

But Mark pointed out, "Don't feel bad. You were unprepared for this. If you were in a wheelchair all the time, things wouldn't be stored in cabinets that were too high."

"Plus," Andy put in, "we would have missed out on that yummy dinner."

"This whole day was just harder than I expected. I must have the weakest arms in Utah. I couldn't even make it up the special ramps designed for wheelchairs."

"You're looking at this wrong." Mark sat back down after taking his plate to the sink. He was starting to bounce nervously in that way he sometimes did when he was fired up about something. "Some of your frustrations today could have been solved with the right kind of chair. The chair you're using is made for pushing. A chair designed for you would have good balance and be easier to maneuver."

That made me feel a little better. "Still you should see how long it takes to get anywhere; even if I had the right chair, I would still have to go out of my way all the time to find elevators and ramps. Even one or two steps is impossible and I had to go the long way around."

"That gets a bit trickier," Mark agreed running his fingers in patterns absentmindedly on the table as he spoke. "Whenever we take Micah anywhere we always try to check for the best route. We make sure we park in the right spot or allow enough time depending on the building. Because you're right, accessible and convenient are not the same thing."

"Micah's in a wheelchair?"

"Yeah, guess I never told you. He has cerebral palsy. So believe me, I know about this. If you had to get around campus in a wheelchair all the time, you would plan your class times and locations appropriately."

"How? Everything is still out of the way and you have to go where the classes are, it's not like you can have them come to you."

"No, but if you have a choice between a Religion class on the first floor or the third which would you choose? And instead of zigzagging all over campus you would probably try to group your classes in nearby buildings, then move on to another area."

Andy was listening intently and I was taking notes. "Yeah, and I think they have an office on campus that helps with stuff like that."

"See, it just takes a little prep," Mark finished matter-of-factly. "I can help you with your paper if you want."

"Thanks but I think I am going to talk about another kind of accessibility. I haven't quite worked it out yet, but I guess I would call it an emotional accessibility. The one thing, aside from my aching arms, that I really noticed today was how no one really looked me in the eye. They just kind of looked past me."

"I know all about that too, unfortunately. Very few people acknowledge Micah."

"Yeah, I want to write about this strange distance between people and how recreation can bridge the gap."

"Sounds awesome. I want to read it when you are done." Mark said patting my shoulder. "Hate to eat and run but I have work. Thanks for dinner, Megan." Andy stayed long enough to see that I had everything I needed and then he left me to write while the ideas were still fresh.

Brainstorming ran long and I didn't actually write much. I couldn't help but think about Mark and wonder how he handled the reactions people had to Micah. Too bad he was at work and I couldn't call him. I did the best I could, trying to focus on breaking the ice kinds of activities. If people could just learn to look past the surface then my work would be half done.

When I stood up from the chair at bedtime, I felt relieved and a little guilty. I thanked Heavenly Father that night for things I had never thought to thank Him for before. Then I laid in bed awake for a while smiling at the success of my enchiladas.

* * *

The end of the month was fast approaching and I still hadn't talked to my visiting teaching sisters to encourage them or even done my own visiting teaching. I approached Alexis, my companion, about visiting teaching and she was free Sunday so I called and made appointments. Alexis prepared the lesson and I even read it ahead of time so that I could contribute. Still waiting for an answer to my prayer, I was just going through the motions not really seeing the point. At least if my visiting teaching was done, I would feel better about calling the other sisters.

* * *

Andy complained when I spent several nights in planning meetings for some upcoming activities. I tried to convince him that I was not the personal activities director of apartment D41 but he just frowned and said he missed me. It was kind of sweet; I was starting to feel like we were all some sort of family.

Saturday, I helped with some activities for the kids of the family housing on campus. Autumn was definitely here. We were all set up with relay games and face painting in the open field that was at the center of the lower apartment units. The turnout was pretty good, I was in charge of a group of about ten kids and there were two more groups besides mine.

We were just finishing up a baby pumpkin relay where the kids each ran to the end of field and took a baby pumpkin and then walked back holding it up on their head. With all the kids in the group now holding a pumpkin, we went to the table to decorate them. The kids were fast and it wasn't long before pumpkins were decorated. They began to decorate themselves and each other with the paints and markers.

The next activity we were supposed to do was occupied by another group, so I needed to come up with a distraction for my group fast. Back home I was the nursery leader and I'd learned that it was best to stay on your toes with lots of activities.

I gathered the kids in a circle for a game of Duck Goose. It was so cute, some of the kids were very small and they had never played before. I grabbed one little boy by the hand taking him around the circle showing him what to do. When goose came he got a little confused and ran through the circle and then back again. A few more turns and we were all giggling and chasing each other in an impromptu game of tag. I'd lost count of smiles so far this morning.

When it was time, I herded my group over to the leaf jump area and grabbed the rake to make the pile a little bigger for them. Excitedly, they entered the leaves and began to jump and throw them in the air. It soon became obvious that a bunch of small piles instead of one big one would be safer. This allowed the kids to jump with enthusiasm without bumping into each other. The activity was nearly over and I scanned the activity area for signs that things were breaking up. I was surprised to see Andy sitting near a tree watching the festivities. My hands were full with the kids. I didn't have time to go over and question him or even wave before I was being dragged across the field to where the whole group was gathering.

Each of the kids had a decorated cookie and a bag of popcorn to take with them, so I lined them up and marched them past the table for their treats. They sat in a small group again on the grass waiting for their parents to get them. Activities weren't really necessary with the cookies around, so I flopped on the grass to catch my breath. They ate contentedly and their frosting covered faces seemed both tired and happy. It had been a couple of months since I had worked with little kids in nursery but I was pleased to see that I hadn't forgotten how to play with them. Dad always said it was because I was just a big kid.

Several members of my group left with their parents. I was helping one little girl pick up her popcorn that had spilled everywhere. We gave up, I wiped her tears, and sent her to the table to get another bag. I remembered my audience when he spoke.

"You're really good with them, you know?"

"Andy, hi! What are you doing here?" I asked, happy to see him. Before he could answer, a few more parents came and picked up their kids. I absently exchanged 'thank you's and 'glad you could come's. One little boy with a frosting covered face gave me a hug. I smiled, patted his back, and thanked him for being so good.

The two kids left had finished their cookies and were getting restless. I sat them beside me again and went into story mode. It would be easier to keep track of them if they were not running in opposite directions. The kids giggled as my leaf bunny jumped from tree to tree looking for his favorite food, sugar cookies. I looked up to where Andy was seated a few feet away. He was also listening to my story. I smiled at him and his return smile was broad and bright. I added it to the running total of the day. The last of the parents stood nearby waiting for the story to be over so that they could take their children home. Quickly, I wrapped it up and sent the goo covered kids on their way.

Andy stood and came over grabbing my hand casually. "I was hoping that I could take you to lunch," he said, answering the question that had been interrupted before.

"Careful," I said glancing at our hands, "I think I am covered in frosting and paint."

"That's okay, I missed out on the activities. This way, I get to participate."

"Oh, I didn't know you wanted to play? I think there are a few more baby pumpkins."

"Lunch?"

"Sure," I said leaning on his shoulder, "unless you just want to eat some leftover popcorn and sugar cookies?"

He paused putting his finger to his lips as if deep in thought. "Tempting."

"I do need to clean up first." I called over my shoulder already heading for a table. He followed and we began to box up the supplies.

He grabbed my hand again and drew a smiley face on the back of it with one of the markers. "You missed a spot," he said as he bent and kissed it.

This was fun. I had never really thought about the whole boyfriend thing before; but if that is what Andy was becoming, it had its advantages. With things all cleaned up, I said goodbye to the other volunteers making arrangements to meet and evaluate the activity after class on Monday. Andy led me to his car and opened the door for me. I handed him a bag as he got into the car. He opened it, peeked inside, and laughed. "Great, you got dessert. I get the ghost one with the raisin eyes,"

"Suits me," I said smiling and looking down at my stained shirt, "I want the pumpkin anyway; orange is definitely my color."

"Do you want to go home and change first?" he asked politely following my gaze.

"I think it will be okay, consider it a badge of honor for the day's activities," I said throwing my shoulders back as if in pride. "Drive on, good sir." I couldn't help giggling as he sat up at attention and started the car with an air of an obedient servant.

Lunch was at a small Chinese restaurant just off campus. I was glad that my wardrobe hadn't been too out of place for where he was taking me. I excused myself when we walked in and went to clean up in the bathroom; stained was one thing but sticky was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. I was scrubbing the paint off of my hands when I saw the smiley face again. I washed lightly over it, hoping that it would stay for a while. I could remember the feeling of his lips on the spot and it made my face feel hot. The little smile stared at me and I wondered if I should count it.

He stood up from his seat and handed me a chocolate colored bear with a big yellow ribbon when I returned from the bathroom. "Oh, it's so cute. But why?"

"It's sort of an anniversary present. Five weeks ago yesterday was our first date." He shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal.

Wow, I was really out of it with this dating thing. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything."

"That's okay. I'm just glad to be with you. It's been a long week."

I smiled as his bottom lip puckered ever so slightly in a frown. I had no idea that being away from me could make anyone sad let alone this talented man. "Well, thank you for lunch and the bear. It is really thoughtful." Then I leaned across the table and hugged him.

From then on, time with Andy became a normal part of my day. We were always together when we could be, sometimes with the guys and sometimes alone. Of course, he worked most weekends, so I saved that time for roommate bonding and homework. I was settling down into the whole 'boyfriend relationship thing', wondering what I had been so worried about for so long, when things got tricky.
Chapter 8

One Saturday evening in early November, I decided to celebrate the completion of a term paper by doing something with the guys. I knocked on their door feeling buoyant after the stress of my homework was lifted.

Nathan answered looking put out. "What's the matter?" I asked.

"John and Emily are going out again. That's the third time this week," he fumed.

I put my arm around his shoulder and led him back to the couch. "Hey, why don't we do something fun tonight? Andy's at work, so I'm free."

"What would we do?"

I thought for a second trying to think of something Nathan would enjoy. "We could go bowling and then I will treat you to a pizza."

His face brightened. "You're on! Let me get my jacket." It had been a slow week for smiles and a smile from Nathan was always a treat because they tended to be rare.

"Well, I need my purse and jacket too. Meet you at your car in five?" He nodded and I went running across the parking lot to my apartment. Bowling with Nathan probably wasn't the best idea; he could get so worked up, but at least it would get his mind off of things. I wonder how George would handle me dating his friends. I winced grateful that the idea hadn't crossed my mind since I was 14.

"Nathan those shoes are definitely you."

He huffed a laugh, "I was thinking the same thing. Maybe I should see if they sell 'em."

"Try to get the old ones that don't match."

"I'll see what I can do. Are we going to play or are we going to keep talking about how stunning I am? I mean, I'm open to either one but we did come here to play."

"Alright, just you wait. I have some moves."

"Yeah, but are they good?"

I managed to have a game with no gutter balls, a personal first, and Nathan reined in his power enough that the ball only jumped into the other lane once. The first two games had us evenly matched; neither of us broke a hundred on our score. I managed to pull ahead the first game and he won the second. "Shall we go best two out of three?" I asked as we tallied the final score.

"No, let's leave things. That way we're both winners. You mentioned pizza right?"

I stared at Nathan surprised by this response. "Who are you and what have you done with my friend, Nathan?"

"I'm working on some things in preparation for my mission." He said shrugging. "Competition is a tough one for me."

Wow, Nathan always surprised me. "You're awesome!" I told him honestly and have him a quick hug. "Let's go get that pizza. No peppers, okay?"

"I don't do vegetables anyway." He smiled at me and I frowned at him in a motherly way. "Some habits are harder to change than others," he said. That made five smiles in all from Nathan in one night. The evening was a success. Nathan was feeling better and I had helped with that. Cheering up a friend had been a good way to celebrate my paper.

* * *

The next morning on the ride to church, Andy seemed distracted. I thought that maybe he was thinking about the lesson he had to give in Elders' Quorum. "Is everything okay?" I asked.

He grunted and I wasn't sure what that meant. I continued to stare at him looking for some kind of clue. Finally, he said, "We don't really have time to talk about it now. We can talk after church."

Now, I was really worried. Apparently, I was the cause of the bad mood. My fears were confirmed when he came around to get my door but didn't take my hand. We walked silently into the building. Mark and Nathan waved to us from the seats that they had saved but Andy ignored them and sat in a seat at the very back. I sat next to him feeling sad and confused. I shrugged at the guys and they turned around as the music started. The meeting began and I tried to concentrate but it was difficult. Saying a silent prayer for Andy seemed to be all I could do at the moment.

I was fighting distraction as I tried listening to the Sunday School lesson with him rigid at my side. Relief Society was a little better but only because it was easier to focus without him right there. After church, Andy walked me to his car to begin our talk. He fidgeted with his keys for a few minutes, so I began.

"Okay, so what's going on?"

"You know that I work most weekends and it has never seemed to bother you before," he paused and I nodded my head for him to continue. Still he hesitated, "Are you seeing someone else?"

"Why would you think that?"

He didn't answer, just continued on with his thoughts. "I mean... I know we haven't talked about being exclusive but I thought that we were." He sighed and looked away.

"So did I." I still didn't understanding where this was coming from. "I haven't been dating anyone but you."

"What about Nathan?"

"Huh?" I said stunned

"Nathan said that you guys went out last night."

"Yeah, he was sad, so I tried to cheer him up. It was just friends hanging out."

He sighed and shook his head slightly, "Megan, when it is just the two of you it looks a lot like a date."

"Well it wasn't." I said raising my voice. "So what? I can't help my friends because we're dating exclusively? That's not fair."

"Of course you should help your friends. Just try not to date them."

"It wasn't a date!" My voice filled the corner of our parking area and we both looked round to see if anyone heard. I lowered my voice, zipped up my hoodie and said, "I'm done talking about this."

Andy sighed again, "Okay, maybe we need some time to think. I don't want to fight with you."

I turned to walk away hoping that he would stop me. "I'll just walk home with my roommates then." He didn't answer, just got in his car and drove away.

I walked home by myself, not in the mood to talk to anyone else. I hated that he didn't believe me. I was angry with Andy and a little upset with Nathan, too. It made so much sense to me; why was Andy being so stubborn about this? The beauties of the changing fall trees, which had delighted me for weeks, were lost to me now as I grumbled, looking at the sidewalk. I grew grumpier with each step. Maybe relationships were more trouble than they were worth.

* * *

The next few days passed in a similar way. Though I was still upset, I tried unsuccessfully not to let it interfere with my life. Tuesday evening Jackie bounced into the kitchen. "Do you always have to be so cheerful?" I griped.

She stopped and looked me over carefully, "That's not like you, Megan. What's up?"

Guilt shot through me and I turned to apologize. Instead, I spilled everything about the fight with Andy. When I'd finished, I added my own editorial, "He is being such a jerk about it! It's totally silly to think that I was out with Nathan on a date!"

Jackie scrunched her face up in a frown for a moment the slowly said, "Megan, I can see Andy's point. It really looks like a date, even if you didn't mean for it to be one."

"But what do looks have to do with anything?"

"Well, have you stopped to wonder if Nathan thought it was a date?"

What? Of course, he wouldn't think that. We're just buddies and he knows that I'm dating Andy. Suddenly, I wasn't sure of anything. "Oh, no! Do you think he did?"

"I couldn't say, but what if other people saw you that night. Would they think it was a date?"

I was starting to feel a little small, "Probably," I admitted.

"How would you feel if someone told you that they saw Andy out with another girl?"

"Sad, and a little jealous, I guess."

"Now how would you feel if the girl was someone you knew well and you also knew that Andy really liked her?"

"Worse. Oh, it does look bad doesn't it?"

Jackie didn't say anything. She just looked at me with those all too knowing eyes. How did such wisdom wind up there of all places? I mean Jackie is great and all, but I wouldn't have pegged her for a relationship guru.

"But wait does that mean that I have to watch everything I do and change who I am just so that I don't offend Andy? Shouldn't he trust me?"

"I don't think it will be as hard as all that. Just think before you act. You like to plan. Next time invite another friend along and then there will be two of you to do the cheering up. I'm always available... unfortunately."

I smiled at her and gave her a big hug. "Thanks, Jackie. You are really much better at this relationship stuff than I am."

"Those who can't do, teach."

Now I needed to figure out how I was going to approach Andy. Was he still really mad? Saying sorry was going to take some planning because I didn't know that I had anything to be sorry for until a minute ago. I sat down at the computer after dinner and wrote him a letter then I deleted the whole thing because some things need to be done in person. It was too late to go over, so I made my plan to see him the next night. What was it that Mark called it? 'Eating crow'? I would have the whole next day to work up my appetite for that meal.

Pretend conversations played in my head all day with different responses from Andy. It was becoming a bit of an obsession, but thankfully, I was going to get it over with soon. These last couple of days had been bad enough for me. Despite my initial thoughts about relationships not being worth it, I really missed him. How had my life gotten so complicated?

I stood on the doorstep of D41 waiting for them to answer it and tapping my foot. It was time to straighten this out. If Nathan was home, maybe Andy and I would have to go somewhere else to talk. It was going to be awkward enough without having an audience and I still wasn't sure if Nathan thought it was a date.

Mark answered the door. He seemed surprised and pleased to see me. I guessed that he had been dealing with a grumpy roommate too. I wondered if I should recommend Jackie as someone to commiserate with. "Is Andy here?"

"Sure, Megan. Come on in and I'll get him."

I shifted my weight from foot to foot wondering what to do if Andy was still really mad. Andy came out of his room looking a little disheveled. "Megan?"

"I hoped we could talk about things."

"I'm really sorry," he began, "I shouldn't have gotten so upset."

"I'm sorry too. I didn't think about how you would feel."

"I don't want you to change for me, I'm sorry it seemed like I was asking you too."

I almost laughed, this was not going the way I had expected at all. "I will try to be more careful in the future because I don't want to hurt you again."

We had closed the gap between us now and were hugging for the first time in days. I laid my head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly. "I'm glad you came over," he said. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

Mark walked through the room at that moment, shrinking himself down as if to not be noticed. "Sorry, I have an appointment," he said as he passed through with his jacket in hand. Andy and I laughed.

* * *

Andy drove me to the airport the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I was almost dreading going home; partly because I would miss him, and partly because I knew the chaos that awaited me. Family chaos could be fun and I really wanted to see everyone. There were so many final preparations for the wedding that my family had decided to forgo the traditional Thanksgiving meal, lest we put Mom in the hospital. Dad was taking us all out for Chinese food instead.

For my part, there was a list waiting for me of at least 20 things I needed to do before the reception on Saturday night. No doubt, there would be other things that came up too. It would be good to be home. I wished that Andy could meet all of my family.

I gave Andy a quick kiss on the cheek and he hugged my shoulders because my arms where full with my carryon luggage: a bag of clothes, and the wedding present. I had looked all over for just the right picture for George and Lindsey. I had barely gotten it framed in time. Everyone should have a picture of Christ in their home and this one was my favorite.

Andy had endured a lot of shopping the past couple of weeks with the wedding presents and the perfect shoes to match the bridesmaid dress. I liked shoe shopping about as much as I liked going to the oncologist but some things couldn't be avoided. At least with Andy along the shopping was tolerable.

The flight seemed quick and it wasn't long before I was hugging Dad. As we drove home, I got the rundown of how everything was going. "I told your mom that if I sit down on one more wedding project, I am going to Uncle Carl's until things settle. Those corsage pins are pretty painful."

"Oh, Dad!"

"Don't laugh. You've escaped it all and don't think I haven't noticed. I feel like the captain sitting next to the mutineer."

"I didn't mutiny and I haven't abandoned the ship. See, I came back to sink with it."

"Okay, I guess you're right but if you suggest any last minute good ideas you're dead to me."

"Have there been a lot of last minute ideas?"

"You have no idea. I don't think your mother has slept an entire night in over a month."

"Consider me your most loyal sailor. I will swab the deck, take orders, and have no good ideas."

"That's my girl. I knew I could count on you."

I laughed. "I'm not really sure it that's a compliment or not." His return smile added to my tally for the week. I had a goal to get at least one smile from every member of the family while I was home. I was beginning to think that my stressed out mom might be a hard egg to crack.

"So how is school going?"

It was PPI time. Dad was always good at getting those in whenever I visited. I gave him the run down on my classes and my grades. The questions about my social life for once had answers. I tried my best to explain Andy and our relationship, leaving the recent upset out of it. He was not satisfied with simple explanations and pumped me for details.

"How long have you been dating? Is he respectful? What is his major? Is he a returned missionary? How did you meet? Does he have a car? Do you really like him? I'm not going to have to put up with another wedding this year, am I?"

"Don't get so excited, Dad. I don't think you have to worry about anything. He is my first boyfriend, after all. But if you do have to plan for a wedding, I will give you plenty of notice so that you can move to Uncle Carl's where it is safe."

"Good girl."

A chilly breeze met my face as I climbed out of the car. Usually it was warmer this time of year. "I hope it warms up for the wedding. My dress has short sleeves. I assume we are doing outside photos?"

"Don't assume anything at this point. I stopped trying to predict the actual events about two weeks ago." Dad grabbed my bags. "Let's go inside; Mom has a list for us, I'm sure."

Thanksgiving went by in a blur, there almost wasn't time to miss Andy... almost. Braiding Kelly's long, beautiful hair was the first thing on my list for Friday morning. She was blessed not to have the fuzzy mess that I had inherited. Kelly's dress was a light pink with small burgundy roses all over it and I placed little pink roses in her hair after it was braided.

Heated debate had ensued over how I should wear my hair but after an evening of playing with it, they'd reached a consensus. I could wear it any way I wanted, as long as I added some of the baby pink roses. Thankfully, I didn't have to try to wrestle my hair into an intricate braid, although if the goal was to make sure I looked silly so the bride would shine in comparison then that would be the way to go. I thought of my beautiful, blond, petite future sister in law and doubted she would need to resort to such tactics.

Sure enough, when George and Lindsey exited the temple in the morning sunlight they were glowing. George looked really happy and I was so excited for him. They were met by a large group of people who wanted to give hugs and congratulations. Forcing my way to the front of the mob, I gave my big, grown-up brother a hug. I gave Lindsey a hug and welcomed her to the family. She was crying a little and George had tears in his eyes, too.

They, of course, weren't the only ones; both Mom and Dad were starting to cry. Wow. Funny how much happiness a marriage can bring. I thought back over the few days that I had been fighting with Andy. It had felt so good to be with him again. I guess it only makes sense that knowing you never had to say goodbye would have this effect. The more I thought about it, the more I decided it would make anyone overwhelmingly happy to have such a blessing. My joy for George and Lindsey doubled.

I watched their beaming faces and realized that I should have tried to get smiles from them before the wedding. I was never going to have a chance to create one now. Every smile they had over the next few days would be for each other. Oh, well, small price to pay, at least I got to see them so happy.

The weather had warmed up so the pictures, although long, were not a problem. The happy couple ate lunch at a nearby restaurant with the two families and then they went off on their own while we finished preparations for the reception the next day.

Most of the final work was just baking cookies and decorating the cultural hall the next morning. I put a batch of cookies in the oven and Dad made Mom take a nap. While the cookies were baking, I called Andy.

"Hi, Megan. How did the wedding go?"

"It was wonderful. They both seem so happy. How was your Thanksgiving?"

"Crazy but good. Mark's family is a trip. We spent this morning making a snow fort."

"Did you have a snowball fight?"

"Not yet. Caleb has been making snowballs all afternoon. I think Mark and I are in trouble after dinner."

"Sounds fun; wish I could be there."

"I wish you could, too. I miss you."

"Me, too. You should have seen me trying to get all the baby roses out of my hair and I get to do it all over again tomorrow."

"I'm sure you looked beautiful. Did the twins behave themselves?"

"Funny you should mention them, I haven't seen them much. I think they are maintaining a low profile at the moment so they don't get put to work."

"Mark and I are planning on picking you up from the airport on our way back Sunday night. We'll be a little cramped in Mark's truck, is that okay?"

I giggled, "Bummer; an excuse to snuggle."

He laughed too, "Good point. This is a better plan than I'd realized."

The timer for the cookies went off. "I have to go. There is still a lot to do. Take care."

"You, too. Bye."

I smiled as I hung up the phone. Things were going good with Andy. We hadn't used the "L" word but that made it a lot simpler. I wasn't sure that I felt that way yet, but I was starting to feel something. It wasn't the plan to get into a serious relationship this year but it wasn't a bad bonus. Luckily, I had been wrong about the whole ruined friendship thing.

One reception down, and it was quick kisses and hugs goodbye at the airport. The reception had gone off without a hitch. The beautiful couple danced, visited with friends, and then left for their honeymoon with streamers trailing from their car. I was a little sad that I hadn't had a moment alone with George in all the chaos. I guess that was just the way things were, now that he was all grown up. I wondered about that and whether marriage was some final step in that process. But then there were plenty of grownups who weren't married. So what was it that made him seem different to me?

The time had gone so fast that my head was spinning. I closed my eyes when the plane took off and thought about my PPI with Dad, which he'd finished on the way to the airport. I'd had to admit that I had gotten a little behind for a while with my school work but that I was all caught up now. He'd asked me about church. I talked to him a little about my calling and some of the things I was learning, like how my last visiting teaching appointment had resulted in a good gospel discussion. The Spirit had been really strong. Dad gave me the usual 'keep up the good work' and 'try a little' harder speeches where appropriate.

The plane trip seemed long because I was sitting more than I had since I stepped off the plane in Phoenix. I closed my eyes and replayed the smiles I'd gathered. First, there had been Dad's on the way home from the airport but I had collected two others from him for helping Mom out.

Mom had managed an exhausted but genuine smile towards the end of the reception. We were sitting at a table in a darker corner of the room. She'd kicked her heels off and was resting a bit. She wasn't up to grilling me for information about my life but was more in a reminiscing mood. By the time she'd recounted several George/Megan stories, she was smiling.

Drew had given me a smile while we listened to music in his room. I think at the time, we were actually hiding from Mom. He has a pretty nice system and we each had on a big pairs of headphones, the kind that look like earmuffs.

Matt's smile had come while we were playing basketball in the driveway. He was a very aggressive player. Though, I'd had lots of practice lately. Matt was more than willing to get in my way and knock me down if needed to get the ball. It was while he was helping me up off the ground that he smiled and said, "It's fun having you home."

Kelly's smile was much easier than I'd expected. I'd gotten it the minute I walked in the door Wednesday night. She pushed her way through the crowd of family in the kitchen and jumped into my arms. There was such an age gap between us that we'd never been very close. Her welcome brought tears to my eyes and I gave her a proper Cole family style hug.

The trip lagged on, and trying to sleep was not working. Andy and Mark would be waiting for me when I walked through the terminal and I could feel my excitement building. I felt like we had so much to catch up on and I couldn't wait to hear the results of that snowball fight.
Chapter 9

We walked through the busy airport avoiding the crowd that waited for their luggage. Mark carried my only bag, as I walked with Andy's arm around my shoulders. It was dark and cold in the parking garage so we hurried to climb in the truck.

"How long have you guys been waiting?" I asked, surprised at how cold the inside of the truck was.

Mark laughed and looked over at Andy. "We've been here for a couple of hours. He was worried we wouldn't get here in time unless we left really early this morning."

Andy looked sheepish, "I didn't want you to have to wait." Then he slapped Mark on the back of the head. "Thanks, friend."

"Well, I'm glad to see you," I said, scooting over into Andy's side so that Mark could reach the stick shift.

With the three of us in such a small space, it didn't take long for us to warm up. I got to hear all about the holiday at the Coles' house, complete with a blow by blow account of the snowball fight.

Caleb had indeed been triumphant, with a little help from Brother Cole. Andy was relieved that Rebekah hadn't followed him around like a lost puppy, and a little disappointed too, if I judged his expression right. I knew from keeping in touch with Rebekah that she was settling down into her own social life now, and didn't need a crush on an out of reach guy.

Listening to Andy and Mark tell stories back and forth was wonderful. They would stop and correct each other or just jump in adding a bit, as they went. Their friendship showed in every interaction they had. It felt homey. I laid my head on Andy's shoulder and just enjoyed the sound of their voices.

* * *

Back to school had me working on some end of the semester projects, one of which was a budget for a pretend business. I was having a hard time figuring in all the employee benefits. Andy, who had a better head for numbers than I did, was able to help with some of it, but he was really busy with his classes too. We managed to talk at least every day, but with finals approaching it would probably get worse before it got better.

I had my nose in a text book when my phone rang. Andy was at the library researching a paper so it probably wasn't him. This was a number I recognized. It was Rebekah. Excitedly, I answered, "Hello?"

"Megan? Hi, it's Rebekah."

"Rebekah, what's up? I haven't talked to you in a long time. How are things going with Jeremy?"

"Oh, okay I guess. He sits next to me in English now. Hey, listen. I am calling about Mark. Micah is in the hospital and Mark is really upset. Mom and Dad are concerned he will try to come home and get behind in his classes and at work."

"I can imagine," I said, surprised he was still here. "Is Micah going to be okay? What's going on?"

"The doctors say that he is responding to the antibiotics, but he will be in for a few more days. He has pneumonia."

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, that is why I am calling. Could you try to cheer Mark up? I told my parents you were the perfect one for the job. He is working tonight but he should be home around 7:30. We were supposed to call him but if you could get him out, maybe you could just give him the update."

"Consider it done. I'll make sure that he relaxes a bit and that he stays here."

"Thanks, Megan. How is your love life going?"

"I don't know. I have been seeing Andy a lot."

"Oh, he's cute," she said, her voice going up an octave in her excitement.

"Yeah, he is. It's 6:30 already, I had better go. I have a lot to do. I'll be praying for Micah. Keep in touch, 'kay."

"Okay, bye."

What could we do on a Thursday night? Mark would probably be tired after working an 8 hour shift so anything energetic was out of the question. Time for the old standby. Remembering that I needed to think things through, I dialed Andy's number. It rang only once and I heard a whispered, "Megan, hi."

"Sorry to bother you, Andy, but we have a mission of mercy. Do you want to go to a movie with Mark and me tonight?"

"What? Mark's working." Then, with a hurt sound in his voice, he said, "you're taking him to the movies?"

"I'm hoping that we're taking him to the movies." It was kind of sweet and a little silly for Andy to be jealous. I gave him the rundown of the conversation I'd had with Rebekah. I even told him that she'd said he was really cute, just to tease him.

"Okay, pick me up in front of the law building at 7:45. I will try to get as much done here as I can."

"Thanks, Andy, we'll be there."

At 7:20, I parked myself on D41's front step and waited. About five minutes later Mark's truck pulled into the lot. Even in those five minutes, I had frozen through. It really wasn't much of a night for going out. He approached the apartment looking both cold and tired. He had his coat wrapped around his thin scrubs trying to keep the wind off. His head was down and his shoulders were hunched so he didn't see me until he was at his door.

"Megan, what are you doing out here? It's freezing!"

"I am kidnapping you. Go get changed we're going out."

He was clearly taken aback. "That's really nice of you, but I am expecting a really important call. Maybe some other time."

"Go get changed," I insisted, allowing him to pass in out of the cold. He left the door open so that I could follow him into the warm apartment. My face started to burn as it warmed up. It was a quiet tonight. Emily and John sat on the couch each with a book in their laps studying. "Rebekah called," I continued. "Micah is responding to the antibiotics. They think he will only be a couple of more days in the hospital." He sighed and it seemed as if his shoulders lowered several inches. I continued, "They won't be calling because they know that you are with me. Now go get ready."

"But Megan, I am really tired and it's so cold. My truck barely warmed up on the way home." He was almost pouting, this was so unlike him.

"Mark, if I don't take you out and get you to have some fun, Rebekah will be mad at me. Hurry up; we have to meet Andy in ten minutes."

Sulking, he headed off to change. I sat down at the table to wait. Emily looked up from her book and asked, "Where are you guys going?"

"Just to the movies, there's a new comedy at the dollar theater."

"Sounds fun."

Mark returned faster than I would have expected, layered in two shirts and a sweater. "Don't worry," I said, smirking at him, "I came prepared." I held up a large thermos filled with hot cocoa. "It helps to warm the insides too." I received a tired smile for my effort. It didn't quite light his whole face, but it warmed me, so I counted it.

He held an arm up motioning toward the door, "Shall we?"

Once we were in the truck with the heater trying to make a dent in the cold, I opened the thermos and handed him a cup. "Thanks, now what exactly are we doing?"

"Something boring I'm afraid... movie. I figured you would be too tired for anything else."

"Sounds perfect." His grumbling was starting to give way to his casual banter as he warmed up with the cocoa.

"Sorry about Micah."

"Yeah, poor kid can't catch much of a break. He was in for pneumonia when I was on my mission."

"I bet that was hard," I said, stating the obvious.

"I just worry that with all of his other challenges that he won't make it through, and..." he trailed off.

"And you won't be there." I finished for him. "He's going to be okay, so deep breath. Let's go get Andy."

"Okay."

I gave him directions to where Andy said he would be. We pulled up just long enough to let him slide in next to me and close the door against the cold again. The blast of air that entered the truck when he opened the door was bone chilling. It really wasn't a good night to be out.

I was squished in the middle with my legs to the right side so that Mark could still move the gearshift. Andy didn't seem to mind. He put his arm around me and cuddled me into his side. I wondered how long he'd been waiting for us. He needed to warm up and the cocoa would be just the thing, but I couldn't reach it. It would only be a few minutes to the theater. I could deal with his cold, slick winter jacket now raising the goose bumps on my arms.

The movie was a total flop. I sat between the guys trying to keep them from throwing popcorn at each other like adolescents. I put up with the occasional kernel in my hair because the point of tonight was to get Mark out for a little fun. The smile on his face as he scored a cheap shot was definitely genuine, and he seemed more relaxed.

Andy was trying to take the high road and watch the movie. At least, that's what I thought, until I felt him stick popcorn down Mark's sweater with the hand he had wrapped behind my shoulders. Did he seriously think I wouldn't notice?

I felt a little bad for the person who had to sweep the theater after we left, but at least I was surrounded by grins. The two of them kicked at each other and shoved playfully all the way to the truck.

Mark dropped us off at Andy's car on campus before heading home. You could just see the stress lifted from his face. I was glad that the evening had helped. I gave him a hug and thanked him for coming with us. "Anytime," he said, then threw one more piece of popcorn, he had just found in his sweater, at Andy. Despite being more relaxed and it getting late, I was sure his family would be getting a phone call from him tonight.

Andy and I walked hand in hand to his car quickly because the wind was still bitter. He opened my door and then hurried around to get in and start up the heater. "That was fun tonight. We did a good thing," he said, leaning across the car and kissing my frozen, chapped cheek. The cocoa was still warm, so we took a few minutes to have some while the car warmed up.

"Yeah, nothing like going to the movies with a couple of boys." I tried acting annoyed, but I couldn't help smiling. He just laughed.

"You should have seen us as companions."

"I hope that your mission apartment was still standing when you were transferred."

"Mostly. Actually, we were a good team; we got a lot of work done."

"That doesn't surprise me at all. You're still are a good team."

"You and I make a really good team, too." He was looking into my eyes. I covered my mouth with my hand as a small giggle escaped. Why did I always loose it when things turned serious?

"It seems that way," I said shyly. Okay, I was feeling stupid now. I wasn't good with this feelings stuff.

"It was kind of fun cheering up Mark tonight. It was almost like being part of a family together. I bet you will make a great mom."

Okay, how had we gotten to this? I wasn't expecting a serious discussion just now, not with popcorn in my hair. Gulping, I realized that for the first time in three years I needed to explain something important. It had never seemed that important before, but suddenly it was the most important thing I could say. It seemed only fair to tell him, as we were getting more serious.

"Andy, I can't have children." There, I said it. That wasn't so bad.

"What do you mean? How could you possibly know that?" He was shocked, but not horrified; that was good.

"I had cancer." I decided to keep it simple. "After the surgery I had, I am sure that I can't have kids." I smiled weakly at him hoping that he would smile back. He didn't and I wished I knew what was going on behind those wide eyes.

When Andy did speak, it was in a sputter, "That... must have been... hard for you."

How thoughtful to think of me instead of how it might change things between us. I relaxed. It had been hard. Mostly the feelings of the 16 year old me had been excitement that my monthly menstruations had ended and then a feeling of being some kind of freak because they had.

The surgery had been private and very few people knew. I really had never thought to be upset about the whole kid thing. That life had seemed so far away. Sitting here in the now too warm car, I was beginning to see what I was losing. Unbidden, a picture of a little boy with sandy hair and big green eyes that sparkled like the ones staring at me now, danced in my mind. "Yeah, it is... hard, sometimes," I admitted–like now.

"Well, there is still adoption, Mark's adopted you know."

"Yeah, I think he mentioned that once."

He reached across and stroked my cheek. I yawned. It had been a long day. "I should take you home, it's getting late." The drive home was quiet. He didn't seem to want to talk about it. He walked me to my door and gave me a brief but sweet kiss on the lips. "I still need to work on that paper. I'll call you tomorrow if I can get it done."

"Sorry to pull you away tonight. Good luck finishing it." I waved and walked in, feeling a little sick. Something just seemed off. I wasn't sure if it was my shock or that his eyes didn't sparkle when we said goodnight.

* * *

Andy didn't call. The hope that he was just working on his paper didn't erase the sinking feeling in my gut. I took solace in a girls' movie night. We made cookies and watched a couple of old Hitchcock films. I loved how suspenseful Hitchcock movies could get without getting too scary. There was enough scary in my life just now.

Finals were looming in the near future and I had been wishing for some extra time to prepare. It seemed if things kept going the way they were with Andy, my wish might come true. Already it had been nearly two days and I still hadn't heard from him. Was it really about his paper or was he avoiding me?

Saturday, I hit the books. When studying failed, I tried distracting myself with wrapping the few presents I had purchased or made for Christmas. Just last week I had worried about missing Andy too much when I went home for the holiday, but tonight it seemed like I couldn't get home fast enough. It was time to take a break from the whole adult thing for a while. I wanted to be a kid.

There was loud conversation noise coming through the door when I woke up from an unexpected doze. I sat up, my hair all disheveled, and wiped the sleep from my eyes. Kristen and Melissa were returning with two other girls that I only knew by sight and four guys, one I recognized right away as Tony, Kristen's boyfriend.

"I'll get the ice cream," Melissa said over her shoulder as she walked to the kitchen.

"Hi, Megan." Kristen was heading for the cupboard for the bowls and spoons.

I laughed to myself thinking of a similar situation in D41. We had been playing 'Sorry' and Andy had announced. "We have some ice cream, would you like some?" I had said yes and then he added, "You just need your own bowl and spoon." The guys' apartment was definitely not as well stocked as ours.

"How was the concert?"

"It was great. There was this one number..." Kristen began, but she was overtaken by everyone else trying to talk at once about the number in question. This dissolved into conversation that I really didn't understand so I excused myself and went to bed.

* * *

Our usual rides greeted us the next morning, if not with the usual smiles. I pasted a grin on my face and rode in Andy's car making small talk with the Jackie in the back seat. Andy was quiet most of the way.

When we got there, I noticed that church was getting crowded. Looking around, I could see that we had picked up a few extra people who seemed to be attached to someone in the ward. There were quite a few rings as well. Of course, we were also losing people. John was the most noticeable absence. He was attending church in Emily's ward now.

Andy had walked in with us, but had stopped to talk with a group of men in the hall. When he entered, he came over and sat in the vacant seat next to me and distractedly flipped through his manual. Despite the fact that I had been nervous for days, I was content not to disturb him. I wasn't ready for that conversation yet, so I turned to Nathan.

"How are those mission papers coming?"

"I have to wait until next semester but I'm starting the process." Nathan was hoping for somewhere exotic. I hoped that he would be happy where ever he went and it would probably be a good idea if it was some remote place that didn't get ESPN.

Sacrament Meeting was starting. I reached over and took Andy's hand. It was a little sweaty, but I didn't care. They always kept the building so hot anyway. He pulled it away to grab the hymn book as the opening song began. That was reasonable, I told myself, no need to panic.

I was too distracted to listen in church. The three hours seemed to be over in no time. Jackie and her friend, Alisha, who had sat beside me in Relief Society walked home with me. Andy had a meeting after church. Normally, I would wait for him, but things weren't normal just now. The girls seemed like a good excuse. "I'll see you later," I called. "I am going to walk home with Jackie and Alisha." He had waved me on as he was sitting down to his meeting.

It was a bit chilly, but the wind wasn't as bad as it had been. The walk was only about a half mile, but it was a bit of a hike in heels, especially where the snow hadn't been cleared completely. Jackie seemed to keep warm by gushing about her favorite subject, boys. She had gone on a date with a guy named Carson. I enjoyed the distraction and it was very entertaining to hear what Jackie considered a proper date report. Not a detail was neglected. It never occurred to me to notice what aftershave the guy was wearing or if he wore a CTR ring on his right hand, but to Jackie the beauty was in the details.

I walked through the door of my apartment and flopped on the couch with a huff. "What's up with you and Andy?" Jackie asked as she flopped down next to me. Other people were noticing. That was a bad sign.

"I'm not sure; we've been out of contact for the last few days. I'm just giving him some space." I was pretty sure I knew what the problem was, I had thought of little else since of our conversation. I just wasn't in the habit of sharing that information.

"You're handling it very well. If that were me, I would be so worried." Gee thanks, Jackie.

"So are you going to go out with Carson again?" Changing the subject seemed like a good idea.

"Oh, yes, if he calls me. I think he had fun. I had fun." All the certainty had left her voice and I sympathized. It was hard to wait around on someone else.

"Well, if he is smart, he'll call because you are awesome!" I said with enthusiasm, then I escaped to my room to change. I'd considered hiding in my bedroom because I wasn't much for talking at the moment, but I was even more against being left with my thoughts. Emerging from my room in sweats, I hollered out, "Hey I'm going to make some cocoa. Want some?"

"Sounds good," Jackie said, joining me.

I carefully steered the conversation to classes and the upcoming finals. Jackie was especially fun to talk to right now because in preparation for her ASL final, she was signing as she spoke. Her hands and her expressions were animated as she talked about the teaching materials she was designing. I had seen a lot of poster boards and markers in her hands lately, but I hadn't really taken the time to notice what she was doing.

"Hey, can I see them?" I asked. Her face lit up as she bounced down the hall. It was a little late in the day for counting my first smile, but I suspected it was going to be that kind of week.

I spent the rest of the afternoon catching up with roommates. Melissa's final concert was scheduled for Friday night. Andy and I had made plans last week to go. Those plans seemed uncertain now. She was nervous which surprised me because she was so diligent about practicing and she had a lot of natural talent.

Kristen was buried in homework and spending every free moment with Tony. It occurred to me that Melissa may just be feeling a little lonely. I had seen Kristen give her steady encouragement for so long, how had I missed its absence?

Jackie received two phone calls that evening. Mark was the first and I couldn't imagine what he would be calling her about. Was it a date? I was pretty sure Mark was one of those guys who was having trouble adjusting after mission life, but maybe he was going to start dating. The idea seemed odd to me; I had never seen him on a date before. I felt a little silly hovering around the hallway waiting for her to come out of our room. I was desperate for any news from D41, and I didn't feel welcome there at the moment.

Jackie opened the door and surprise spread across her face when she almost ran into me. I tried to make it look like I was just coming out of the bathroom. At least I hadn't put my ear to the door. "So what's up?" I asked trying to sound casual.

"FHE stuff. Mark made arrangements for us to carol where he works tomorrow."

"Oh, that sounds really great. I love caroling." Relieved was an understatement. I couldn't deal with more things changing right now. With Andy giving me the cold shoulder, it was as if my world was upside down. Mark dating would just be too weird.
Chapter 10

Monday night, we all got on our festive clothes and headed to the parking lot. Andy sometimes came to FHE with me, but I doubted he would be there tonight. I climbed into one of the waiting cars, excited for the activity. Melissa was bringing her flute. Holiday music was always a favorite of mine and I couldn't wait to hear the performance.

I was a little embarrassed when Mark walked over to the car and requested that I ride with him instead. Ignoring the giggles, I crossed my fingers that he would have some news on the Andy front and climbed out of the car. We were just pulling out of the parking lot, when he turned to me. "What is going on with you and Andy? I know I'm being nosy, but I have to know. He has been walking around in a fog for days."

He was being nosy, but after the initial frustration, I turned to him again as an ally. Maybe together we could figure this thing out. "He didn't tell you?"

"No. First, you guys seemed happy and to hear Andy talk, you were getting serious. Then out of the blue he isn't himself and you guys are barely even talking." He shook his head and I felt fresh guilt for causing Andy and apparently Mark pain. "Did you break up with him?"

"I don't think so. He stopped talking to me before I could figure it out. It isn't looking good though." I said in my smallest voice feeling dejected, as I admitted the almost certain truth.

Mark's tone became softer and he probed, "What happened?"

"I told him about my cancer."

"Why should that matter?"

"There is more than I told you before; I can't have kids." I looked at him and he seemed to freeze in place but only for a second.

"And?"

"What do you mean 'and?' It's a lot for him to deal with." I defended.

"I'm sorry, Megan. I just meant..." He shook his head in frustration. "So what are you going to do?"

"Give him some more time, I guess. But it's driving me crazy! I'm not sure how much longer I can wait. I wish he would just get it over with." I was starting to cry. "Can we change the subject, please?" Mark pulled the car over to the side of the road and drew me into a hug. After a moment, I wiggled free. I didn't need to have a breakdown now. I needed to be cheerful for the caroling. I wiped my eyes and asked about Christmas at the Cole's.

Mark drove the rest of the way to the hospital talking about his Christmas plans. The snow fort had survived and he was hoping for a rematch. I had wiped my face and was smiling, thanks to the images Mark painted of his eventual take down of his younger brothers.

* * *

The hospital where Mark worked was a good sized place. We followed him in, huddling a bit together for warmth and also because it was unfamiliar. Mark, of course, walked in as if he owned the place and led us directly to the dining hall where we would be singing. A small crowd of residents were already sitting there waiting for us. Even more were coming in as we arrived. I looked over the group, noticing the ones in wheelchairs especially. Most seemed to have one foot rest up or even both and I pictured their stocking feet helping to propel them along. I looked them in the eyes and smiled. I was glad I had come despite my outburst of feeling. Maybe this was what I needed.

Mark took in the faces as well and a few of them lit up when they saw him. He left us standing around in our group and walked forward to talk to a few. Carefully, he moved someone's foot out of the way so that he could lower the footrest of their chair. He readjusted blanket throws over a couple of people and even got a hug from a lady that looked a little like my grandma.

A couple braver members of our group followed Mark's lead and began to shake hands with the residents and exchange hellos. I hesitated, too engrossed in watching the scene to move. Turning back to scan our group, Mark's eyes fell on me. He motioned me forward with his hand and I walked to him.

Mark pulled me by the arm and led me out of the room. "There are a few residents missing. Come help me."

"Okay," I said following after him. I knew he was just trying to distract me, but I let him.

"Now Mr. Wallace is a little cranky, but he likes pretty girls, so I will let you get him."

I gulped and remembered the experience I'd had when I was a Beehive. Being yelled at by an elderly lady at a nursing home is hard to forget. I wasn't sure what I had done. The staff told me that she was just lonely and not to take it personally. Still, it had scared me.

Mark stopped at a doorway, "Mr. Wallace? This is Megan. She wants to take you to the dining hall for some music, okay."

Mr. Wallace was a tall man dressed in brown pants and a button up green shirt. I was surprised to see that he was also wearing dress type shoes and a belt. He looked as if he could have walked in off the street. I wondered why he was in a care facility instead of his home. He turned from the window where he was standing and his sour expression changed as soon as he saw Mark. His fondness for Mark was obvious.

"What are you doing here boy? Wasn't expecting you 'til tomorrow."

"I'm here with some friends tonight," Mark said as he walked forward and pulled out the wheelchair from the corner of the room. "This is my friend, Megan."

Mr. Wallace's eyes appraised me, "Pretty little thing." He remarked.

I covered my mouth with my hand to hide a smirk when Mark added, "She's feisty too. You behave okay."

Mr. Wallace waved his hand in a calming motion at Mark and sat in the wheelchair. "He's all yours," he said turning back to me. "I'm going to go and pick up Mrs. Smith. I'll meet you back in the dining hall. You can find your way, right?"

"No problem," I said, stepping forward. "Hello, Mr. Wallace. Are you ready for some music?"

"Again? Blasted carolers! The place is packed with 'em this time of year. Don't none of them come back to visit when things are really boring around here."

I winced at his candor. I could imagine how many groups did pass through these halls at Christmas time. "Well," I said brightly, "We probably won't be the last carolers this Christmas. Still, Christmas music is really beautiful."

He huffed, "Wouldn't even bother if it weren't my Marky."

It was hard not to laugh at the nickname. "Well maybe you'll enjoy it." I wheeled him into the dining hall. The room was pretty full now, but he pointed me to the place he wanted next to the piano.

Our performance was average, but it was fun to sing the familiar songs. Caught up in the moment, I felt happy doing some service. Not everyone felt the way Mr. Wallace did; it appeared that most of the crowd was enjoying themselves. Some were mouthing the words along with us as we sang. There was even one lady leading us with gusto like a choir director from her seat in the back.

The highlight of the evening was when our pianist, and Melissa performed "Silent Night." There were several people in the audience with tears in their eyes and surprisingly, Mr. Wallace was one of them. During the song, Mark wandered over and crouched down, resting his hand on Mr. Wallace's. It was touching; service was definitely good for the soul. I decided that I would make an effort to visit Mr. Wallace in January, 'when life was boring around here.'

Tuesday night, I just couldn't wait any more. Enough time had passed and well, I just needed to know what was happening. I walked over to D41, armed with cookies. Nathan answered the door, greeted me, and then went back to his game; wait no, he was reading.

"Cookies?" I offered. "You're studying?" I said, as he loaded his hand up with three cookies from the plate.

"Yeah, final tomorrow, thanks," he said, gesturing with the cookies in his hand and talking with his mouth full.

"Sure. Is Andy here?" He responded by getting up and walking the few feet to knock on the bedroom door. Mark stuck his head out and I heard him tell Andy that I was here.

"Cookies?" Mark walked out into the living room and I held the plate up for him. "Andy will be right out, he is changing."

"How is Mr. Wallace?"

He laughed, "Well, he survived us. Asked about you today."

"Really?" I was going to inquire more, but Andy came out and I was reminded of my purpose.

There was a tentative smile on his face. Nathan and Mark seemed to take some unspoken cue to retreat. Alone in the living room, I held up the plate of cookies and he shook his head politely.

I sat on the couch and patted the seat next to me. "Okay, what is up? It feels like you have been avoiding me. Did I do something?" I blurted out, hoping that it was something that could be smoothed over and easily fixed.

He sat down beside me and put his face in his hands. I waited several minutes wondering what I should say. Finally he spoke, "It's not you. I'm just a jerk."

"What are you talking about?" Maybe it wasn't what I thought. How could he possibly feel like a jerk? He was one of the nicest people I knew.

He paused again, as if trying to order his words. "The other night when we were talking..." He didn't have to tell me what night that was, it had been in my thoughts for days. "I... I thought I could get past it, you know?" He looked up at me for the first time, looking for some kind of answer that I didn't know how to give. "I just can't, I've tried... I like you so..." He trailed off shaking his head.

I followed the thought to the logical conclusion, "But it's not enough." I thought of that green eyed child I had pictured and knew that he should have that chance. "It's okay," I said bravely. "I understand." And in that moment, I did.

I stood quickly and went to leave before I could cry. After that moment of understanding, I felt completely worthless. "Don't worry about it, Andy." I said patting his shoulder. I opened the door, trying hard to resist the urge to run.

He called after me to wait, but I had to leave before I said something I would regret. I wiped tears from my cheeks and headed for the farthest point I could get. It was dark so my options were limited. I set my sights on the snow pile at the end of the parking lot. I was hurt and I wanted to be alone but there was something else building too – anger.

I kicked at the snow bank and fumed. "How could he treat me like that? Am I like some kind of leper just because I'm not perfect? He's right, he is a jerk!" A couple walked by and looked at me oddly from across the road. I stopped long enough for them to be out of earshot, and then I started kicking again. It really didn't make me feel any better, but I wasn't ready to face my roommates or anyone else just yet.

I walked to the laundry room hoping that the Tuesday night before finals would not be a popular time for laundry. Luckily, there were a few loads going, but no one was there. At least it would be a warm place to pull myself together before I went home. I shook my head at that word 'home' because tonight it felt like home was miles away.

* * *

The next morning, most of the anger was gone, but the hurt remained. It wasn't as if I couldn't see his side of things. Whatever made me think I could have a normal life? Of course, no one would want me. At the moment, I didn't want me much either. This stupid body had betrayed me. What had been the point of surviving in the first place? All those months of enduring, for this? I knew now that no one would ever want me.

I just wanted to run away. My goal now was to get through finals and get home as soon as possible. My concentration was lacking as I tried to study. Hopefully, I could keep it together long enough to pass my classes, though I wasn't sure it mattered anymore.

I longed to be home. If there had been any enthusiasm left in me, I could have counted the days until Christmas the way I did as a kid, with a colorful paper chain. Instead, I turned my alarm off each morning with a sigh and a reminder to myself that I was one day closer. The week was long, but at last, I was on the plane flying away from this ruin and toward home.

I had managed to avoid Andy all week except for one time. The exchange had been awkward. "Do you still need me to drive you to the airport?" he had asked, looking at his feet.

"No, I've made other arrangements, thanks." Those other arrangements had me scrambling for a couple of days. I had finally called Christy, one of my visiting teachers, and asked for her help. I just couldn't face anymore explanations. My roommates were already looking at me with pity, as the news spread. She had called me back in two hours with a ride. Someone she knew was flying out on that day. I just needed to go about four hours early. I was so grateful to her for the help.

"How are you?" Andy had asked, daring to look at my face.

I bit back an icy remark and forced a smile, "I'm fine, and you?"

"Surviving." So he was feeling a little bad; good, he should be. I said a silent prayer, willing the bitter feelings to go away. I wasn't completely over the anger, I guess. Instant answers did not appear. I turned and walked off.

But now I was going home, for Christmas, my favorite holiday. Surely, Mom would have me helping with the baking before the day was out. There was always the last minute shopping and decorating. With any luck, I could just absorb all that good family time to fortify me against the chill I was feeling now.

I was not disappointed. Sure enough, Mom had me deep in holiday activities two hours after I walked in the front door. As the hour grew late, all my siblings gathered around the TV for a movie. I was scrunched in between Matt and Drew. As I tried to make a long popcorn string, the big bowl in my lap was occasionally invaded by the twins. They seemed to be eating mostly out of habit because they would cringe at its bland taste as soon as it hit their mouth.

Kelly jumped around the room excited for the festivities, it was a little reminiscent of Jackie and I smiled. The twins grumbled a few times as she got in the way of what they were watching. It took a while, but I finally noticed that Mom and Dad were missing from this scene of family togetherness. I pushed the popcorn bowl at Drew and stood up, careful not to crush my popcorn chain

I found them in the dining room drinking a cup of cocoa and talking quietly to each other. I started to back out of the room, but they welcomed me in and Mom stood to get more cocoa. I sat across from Dad and he looked into my eyes and shook his head with a sigh that sounded like a laugh. "You're getting old, kid. You look so tired."

"It has been a long day," a long couple of weeks actually.

"So let's get the lowdown," Dad had placed his elbows on the table and was leaning forward. He meant business; this would be my PPI for this trip. "How are classes going? What grades are you expecting this semester?"

My grades weren't going to be as stellar as I had hoped. I was pretty sure that I had bombed one of my finals because I was out of it. "Not too bad, I guess. I really liked my recreation classes and my D&C class was interesting. I think my finance class is going to be at least a B, which I'm happy with. Plus, my checkbook has never been so organized."

"Good, honey," Mom said, handing me my cocoa. "What about guys? You talked so much about Andy we half expected you to bring him home for Christmas." I winced. I hadn't thought this through. Alone time with my parents was a bad idea.

"Mom, it isn't like that. We decided to see other people, it just wasn't working out." This was all the detail I could supply. I was suddenly feeling as tired as Dad said I looked. Eventually the whole story would come out, just not tonight.

"How's work?" Dad took back the questioning, giving Mom a sideways glance to make sure she was done. I was grateful that he wasn't inclined to pry any deeper on the Andy front.

"Work's good. I like the simple 'get in and get it done' work. It's not as exciting as teaching swim lessons, but I'm happy with it." Dad smiled at this. He had been on his college swim team and had taught us all very early. I grew up in the backyard pool and when I was old enough, giving swim lessons was the perfect summer job. Life guarding was a bit boring, but at least I was poolside.

"Are you getting to the temple?"

"I only went twice this semester, my ward arranged dates to go, so I went on their schedule."

"Are you happy?" This question was unexpected. Usually, I got a lecture at this point encouraging me to 'Lengthen my Stride' and 'Endure to the End'. How could I answer this question? It would hurt my parents to know that right now I was a scared little kid who just wanted to curl up in her bed and have Mom read her a bedtime story. They were expecting an almost adult and if I had ever been that, it had crumbled away before I could stop it.

"I'm really happy to be home," I said cautiously. "I've been looking forward to Christmas with my family for a long time now."

"Hmm." Dad wasn't completely oblivious to the fact that I hadn't really answered his question, but he didn't act as if he was going to press it.

Warmed by the cocoa and my parents' love, I continued on with a blissful run down of everything I wanted to do while I was here. Distraction was good. "We have to go the see the lights at the temple. I really want to go caroling with the youth. Have they already done that? We are making Christmas cookies, right Mom? Do you think I can help with the Turkey this year? I need the practice. Do you have any wrapping left to do, I love helping with that?"

Mom made a calming gesture with her hand and reached for her to do list. "Christmas is only five days away, Megan, I am not sure we can get to everything. You missed the youth caroling on Wednesday. We saved the temple lights for tomorrow because we wanted you with us. George and Lindsey are meeting us there at 7:00. Christmas cookies are Monday and we are delivering them for Family Home Evening. Some of the Kelly's presents still need wrapping. The twins' presents are all wrapped because they peek. We are having the Missionaries over for dinner on Christmas Eve so we are doing the turkey then. Everything is on the calendar if you have any questions. That reminds me; Spencer's parents invited you to their New Year's Party. You should RSVP tomorrow if you are going to go."

I made a mental note to decline the invitation; not being in much of a party mood. I owed Spencer a letter too, but not tonight. After finishing my cocoa, I washed the cup and went straight to bed. This way I could avoid further interrogation from Mom and Dad. It was about a half an hour later when I heard the sounds of everyone else turning in for the night. The bathroom door opening and closing several times as my siblings got ready for bed, was such a familiar sound and it made me feel safe.
Chapter 11

The next morning, I looked around my old room wondering how it had managed to get messy so quickly. My suitcase was on the floor next to my bed, its contents scattered about. To be fair, the mess wasn't entirely mine nor was the room anymore. Mom's sewing projects took up the majority of the space leaving me with just a mattress and box spring sitting on the floor and a small table with a lamp next to the bed. I was curious so I lifted the quilted tablecloth and was not at all surprised to find the table was stacked food storage.

There was something so comforting in knowing that even though my room was no longer mine, I could still predict my mom enough to know a silly little detail like there being food storage masquerading as a bedside table.

Since my suitcase was disheveled anyway, I took the opportunity to dig out the presents for everyone that I'd brought home with me. Still in my pajamas, I carried them out to the tree. Kelly was right there with me as soon as she saw presents.

"Which one is mine?"

"The one with the teddy bear wrapping."

"Oh, can I see? Am I going to like it? Can I shake it?"

"Here, have at it. I'm going to take a shower." I tossed the small gift into her lap and she gave me the first smile of the new week. I kissed the top of her head as I left.

* * *

By evening time, I'd relaxed a little. Much of my day had been me worrying about being alone with either of my parents. My emotions were still so jumbled and I didn't want to have to explain or worry them with tears. It helped that Mom was going to be teaching in Relief Society, so her mind was elsewhere.

I sat in between the Drew and Kelly during Sacrament Meeting. Each of them scooted in so close that I almost didn't have room to move my arms. I remembered how my brothers and I had taken turns with Kelly in the hall when she was little. There were days we'd fought over who got to take her out. Now we were all sitting, practically grown up. I could feel the call for a more chaotic but simpler time. Back then, I had never worried if I was enough; had never felt so out of touch with my dreams.

* * *

Dinner was simple, simple and a little tasteless. I was doing the cooking. No one complained as they ate the homemade chicken soup, but no one asked for seconds either. I was reminded of how delicious Andy's soup had been. These thoughts were not helpful or wanted. Moping would just be wasting the valuable time I had with my family. I pasted on a smile and distracted myself by doing the dishes.

When dinner was all cleaned up, we drove to the Mesa, Arizona temple. The lights display was always one of my favorite parts of Christmas. Live music filled the air, as did the scent of the oranges that hung in the trees along the path. We were to meet George and Lindsey at the front of the visitors' center. I was anxious to see George and get a hug from my big brother.

They were there, just as we'd planned, but not quite as I'd pictured. Together they were bundled up in their heavy jackets against the balmy Arizona night. Their heads leaning together as they talked in whispers. They were so close, it was hard to tell where George stopped and Lindsey began. So much for the open arms of my big brother.

I watched the two of them as we wondered around the grounds. They never let go of each other. It was as if super glue had been applied to their arms and hands. The more I watched, the harder it became to be around them. This was something I would never have. My failed relationship with Andy had finally driven home to me just what I had lost all those years ago.

I felt myself getting grumpy and I looked up at the stars trying to keep my eyes from overflowing. When the family went to view a film in the visitors' center, I made an excuse and escaped. I was making my way past the nativity, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

"What's wrong, Snapper?" I knew instantly who it was without even looking. Dad had given me that nickname when I was very small because he said I swam like a fish. It had taken him days before he'd settled on which fish name he was going to use. We had gone through flounder, grouper, and marlin. The name had stuck for a few years, but it had been ages since he'd used it.

I didn't answer right away. I just stared at the shepherd in the nearly life size scene. He had a lamb across his shoulders and he looked so peaceful. I missed feeling that calm and happy.

Dad didn't let me off. "Come on, talk to me. I know something is going on with you."

This was so not the place I wanted to be having this conversation nor was it a conversation I was ready to have. Instead, I posed a question. "Dad, what do you think that shepherd is thinking?"

"Well, I've never really thought about it before. Let's see..." He studied the figure for a moment. "I think he's feeling joy and contentment. Don't you think the Savior would radiate those types of feelings, even as a baby?"

"I guess."

"What do you think he is feeling?"

"Restful, like some big burden has been lifted."

"That works too. The Savior can carry our burdens for us."

"But how?"

"Because of the atonement."

"Yes, but how do we give him our burdens?"

"That can be tricky. Sincere prayer and pleading is probably the biggest part of it, but we also have to let go. It took me years to figure out how to give some things to Him. I liked being in control and doing it all myself."

A new musical number began behind us and I turned my attention away from the shepherd. What Dad said hadn't been very helpful. Was that because I was like him, and insisted on doing things myself? That just made one more thing about me that wasn't right. Life was getting worse by the day, how would I make it to the New Year?

We ended the night with Mom's famous candy bar cake. It was so rich that most of us couldn't eat more than half a piece. I say most because it was George's favorite. He ate the rest of Lindsey's piece and asked for seconds. We sat around the tree and sang carols while Drew played piano for us. Matt built a fire in the fireplace that would probably last all night. Kelly fell asleep with her head in my lap. I loved the warmth of all the family together.

I basked in the fuzzy warm memory without paying too much attention to any one thing. The more details I noticed the more my brain worked and my brain was not my best friend at the moment. This strategy worked for most of the night, until George and Lindsey got up to go home. They were so sickeningly cute about helping each other on with their coats. It wasn't even cold outside. I couldn't stand the way George checked Lindsey's zipper to make sure she wouldn't catch cold. I said a quick goodnight to them and walked Kelly to her bed.

* * *

The inevitable conversation with Mom came, it just took a little longer than I'd expected. New Year's Eve morning while I was helping with the breakfast dishes, she said, "I'm disappointed that you chose not to go the Waters' party. They are really missing Spencer and having you there would mean so much to them."

"I know. I'm just not really in a party mood."

"What is going on with you? You haven't been your usual perky self."

"Just thinking, I guess." She didn't buy it. The look of disbelief on her face was almost funny. I choked back a laugh.

"Megan, you can talk to me about anything. You know that, right? Are you feeling okay? Do you need to see a doctor?" She paused to place a wet hand on my forehead.

"Mom, I'm not sick."

"Is it Andy?"

I sighed. I may as well come clean. "Sort of, but not really. I mean it was at the start, but I can't help thinking, you know?"

Now she looked puzzled. She grabbed the towel from my hands and led me to her bedroom at the back of the long hallway. I'd had many talks with Mom lying across her bed. The familiar surroundings and the fact that we wouldn't be overheard or interrupted untied my tongue.

"I liked Andy. Things were going pretty well. Things were getting serious enough, at least, that I realized he needed to know about my surgery." I paused as a small oh, formed on Mom's lips.

"Didn't go so well?"

"Well, he was nice about it, then he got all weird. After a few days, I couldn't take it anymore so we talked. And well you know the rest."

"Oh, honey. I am so sorry. But you can't get discouraged. He just wasn't the right one. You'll get someone better. Just be patient."

I know that she was trying to comfort me, but the words seemed trite and completely unhelpful. "Don't you see Mom? It doesn't matter. Anyone I love enough to marry, I would love enough not to doom them to my burden. It's over, there is no happy ending. The weird thing is that I never saw it coming. In all these years, I have never worried about the whole kid thing. In that one small conversation, it feels like my world crashed down around me. I don't know how to go on. Motherhood is not for me and I realize now neither is marriage." I sobbed into the bedspread.

"Wait, Megan. Slow down. You are getting carried away. There are all kinds of options for you. Surely, there are lots of wonderful guys out there who would love you and make a wonderful life with you regardless. You need to give people a chance. And there is adoption, remember. You can have everything you want. Just give it time and put it in the Lord's hands."

I smiled at her for reassurance, but I knew she was wrong. Some people just weren't meant to 'have it all'. I didn't know how to describe what I felt when I pictured that green eyed boy. No one should have to give that up for me. I cried harder and she let me cry for a long time without saying anything. It felt hopeless like nothing would ever be okay again. I managed to stop... eventually.

Tired and feeling guilty that I couldn't give Mom the happy ending that she wanted for me, I stood. "Mom, I'm going to go caught a nap. Maybe I will stop by the Waters' tonight for a little while." It was a small consolation, but it cheered Mom. She sent me on my way, telling me she would keep Kelly out of my room for a couple of hours.

When I woke, everyone was gone. I walked through the empty house looking around all the rooms full of memories. I felt strange. When I looked in the family room, I remembered the roughhousing with George that had turned bloody. We were wrestling when I fell over the back of the couch and split my chin on the floor. I reached up to feel the faint scar. Why was I feeling so homesick? Being with my family had been nice, but school was calling to me. Which home was real? It didn't really feel like I belonged anywhere anymore.

My family put me on the plane the next day with the usual hugs and goodbye wishes. Then Dad leaned in and whispered, "I'll be calling to check in on you next week." I sighed. Dad apparently was going to be keep regular tabs on me. Mom must have filled him in on our little talk. I hugged him again and wanted so much to give him reassurances, but they would be empty. Instead, I nodded my head and said goodbye.

* * *

That first week back at school was hard. When I got Spencer's smile total for the week, I realized that I had failed to collect any. This was my first time in years of doing this that I had to write zero in my journal. I didn't really care as much as I expected myself to. Smiles were just not the highest priority at the moment.

The trouble was, that I couldn't really figure out what the priority was. My homesickness wasn't eased by being back at school. Was there anything that would soothe my troubled heart? I truly felt lost and unable to find my way. The impulses that I have always had to ease any feelings of sadness seemed useless against all the doubt in my life.

Living in close quarters with other people, when you are struggling just to stay afloat, has some real problems. Jackie was the worst because we shared a room. She was my audience for every sniffle and every sigh. She tried several times to talk to me about Andy because, as she put it, talking it out would help me deal with it. She didn't know what was really bothering me and I wasn't ready for the pity, so I didn't tell her. My initial reaction was to tell her to back off, but I managed to keep my words civil if still icy.

Kristen also seemed concerned by my glum mood, but she was so busy with life that, thankfully, her attempts were only halfhearted. Melissa tried to talk to me almost as much as Jackie, but I was able to turn the conversation easy enough and then escape. Over the next few weeks, avoiding people became a way of life.

I spent as much time alone as I could. Ducking Jackie's and Melissa's attempts to talk consumed much of my time. I began 'studying' at the library because Jackie couldn't find me there. My books sat on the table unopened. Mostly, I was just getting really good at solitaire on my laptop. I could see my life stretching out long and lonely in front of me.

School was not as much of a distraction from my pain, as I would have hoped. I just couldn't get into the swing of this new semester. Not even biology, a favorite subject from high school, could rouse my attention. I didn't understand this. It should have made sense that school would be more important. It was all I had now. Everything seemed dull and colorless. Perhaps, it was just the grey winter weather.

Church had gone from uncomfortable to nearly unbearable. At first, the whispers and avoiding Andy had taken so much of my attention. Now, everywhere I turned there was no place for me. I began to wonder where I fit in a church that believed so strongly in families. I was only going to church now because everyone else was. If I stopped, it would be very obvious and I didn't need any more attention. It seemed logical that Heavenly Father had turned away from me. My life was in ruins.

Maybe I should go home, but what would that solve? Then I would be even more of a loser. I couldn't become more of a burden to my family.

Dad's calls were harder to ignore than my roommates. When I didn't answer, he texted me. Seriously, Dad never texted, so I knew I couldn't keep putting him off.

"Hi Dad,"

"How are things going, Megan?"

"About the same. How are you guys? Did Kelly have another recital yet?"

"We can talk about Kelly some other time. I want to hear about you."

"Really Dad, I don't know what to tell you. School's going okay and work is work. In fact, I need to head off to class now. Love you, bye."

I didn't want to hurt him, but I didn't want to talk to anyone. Nothing that anyone said could make it better so I just wanted to not talk about it and forget.

My Dad and roommates weren't the only one's checking up on me. Christy, one of my visiting teachers, called or came by at least once a week to see how things were going. I tried to be polite and cheerful when she did, but it was hard to put the brave face on for too long. It was nice that she was trying, but the last thing I needed was a visiting teacher digging for my secrets and then spreading them around the ward.

My uncharitable thoughts about her disappeared one day when she stopped me, as I was walking into my apartment. I invited her in, hoping that the place would be full of roommates she could talk to instead of me. To my dismay, we were all alone.

"Megan, I can't stop thinking about you."

"I'm okay, you don't need to worry."

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I understand. I just want to tell you that I know Heavenly Father loves you."

"That's a nice thought. Thanks," I said, forcing a smile.

"Megan, I'm not telling you this because we have learned it in church since we were sunbeams." She paused trying to find the words that she wanted to say, "I know He loves you because he keeps reminding me that He loves you."

I looked up quickly at her and then back down in my lap, trying to avoid the tears in her eyes. "Thanks, Christy," I said quietly. "But I'm not getting the same message right now." How could she know that I was completely unlovable?

"Then you aren't listening to the right messenger." She stood and excused herself before I could argue. Tears were forming in my eyes, but she couldn't be right. I had the evidence concealed right here in my damaged body. I sat at the table and opened my biology book. I would not dwell on this. It was too painful.

* * *

"Mark asked about you again," Kristen said when she got home from class. I was avoiding everyone at the moment, but especially my friends from D41. It was just too hard to fake enthusiasm and a smile. Mark was still trying to be my friend. I had no idea why. Surely, he knew the truth, if anyone did. I was not very friendly just now, but then Mark was just good like that. Maybe I reminded him of old Mr. Wallace; all prickles, but with a hidden soft spot. He'd have to dig pretty deep to find that soft spot now.

Thinking of Mr. Wallace, reminded me that I had made myself a promise. Unlovable I may be, but I didn't have to be useless. I could keep a promise, even to myself. Tomorrow, I would visit Mr. Wallace. Not that my visit would mean much to him, but promises are promises.

The next afternoon, I walked down into town from campus. It was mid-February and my bike was covered in snow. It was too icy for biking anyway. The sidewalks were pretty clear and there was no wind so the walk was pleasant enough. I reached the hospital, hoping that my unannounced visit would be okay. I wasn't sure what the procedures were. It took me a minute to wipe all the snow off my feet before I went to the reception counter.

"I would like to see Mr. Wallace please."

There was a slight hesitation by the woman behind the desk who was dressed in a business jacket. "Are you family?"

"No, I'm kind of a friend. I just wanted to say hi." It sounded lame coming out, but I had no other excuse.

"Okay, you can go on back to his room. Do you know the way?"

"Yes. Thank you."

I followed the hall around to the dining room. I could remember the path from there. I knocked on the open door and stepped inside. "Mr. Wallace?"

He was sitting on the edge of his bed completely dressed down to his shoes again. His hair, or what was left of it, was neatly combed. He was looking out the window again. This time, I could see that it was to an inner courtyard where some birds were playing. "What?" He looked up, "Who are you?"

I searched for what to say. "I'm Mark's friend, Megan. We met not too long ago."

"Marky's friend? Oh, okay. What do you want?"

"I thought I would come and visit for a while."

"Well, it's still a free country. Sit down if you want." His head gestured to the chair and then his eyes went back to the window.

I sat and then looked out the window too. "I'm surprised that there are still birds here. It is pretty cold outside."

"Really, I wouldn't know." He said sourly. His face was always drawn down in a twisted frown and I knew enough now not to take it personally.

"I guess it gets kind of boring in here. Do you get many visitors?"

Despite its seeming impossibility, his frown deepened. "So, what? You came here to depress me kid? Thanks, but I've got all I can use. Why don't you go?"

I sat a moment longer trying to retrieve the situation. Seeing a black and white picture on the wall, I commented, "Is that your wife?" The picture was of a tall man and a small woman with curly, dark hair. They were arm in arm and smiling. It was strange to see this young Mr. Wallace smiling.

"Yep."

"She's pretty."

"She's dead and I don't need chit chat or pity. Weren't you leaving?"

I gave up and left the room feeling like a failure. Well, at least I had tried. But could one grump cheer another?

"Megan?" a voice called, as I walked slowly down the hallway.

I turned to see Mark. I had forgotten that it was his day to work. Great, I wasn't in the mood for chit chat either, at least not with someone who knew me. "Oh, hi," I said with little enthusiasm.

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit Mr. Wallace. It was a bad idea. I think I made him upset."

"Mr. Wallace? Well, I'll check on him, but he's always that way. Don't worry." He searched my face. "It was nice of you to come. He never gets visitors."

I can see why, I thought, but said "No problem."

"I would give you a ride home, but I have to work for another two hours. Will you be okay?"

"It's nice out today. I don't mind the walk." I waved before he could get any closer and left.

I replayed the conversation with Mr. Wallace in my head the whole way home looking for any way that it could have turned out better. There was just no way of knowing if different topics would have helped. I hardly knew the man. Then I corrected the thought, I didn't know the man. At that moment, a thought occurred to me. I might not know him, but I could understand him. Wasn't I doing the same thing to everyone in my life? Laughing, I thought about how much I had in common with that prickly, old man. My future was staring me in the face and it was lonely.

The thought should have frightened me, but instead I felt a strange triumph. This was part of the reason for my pain and I was justified in feeling it. Pushing everyone away was a normal reaction. I wasn't broken, in that, at least. My mind circled around the possibilities for a future without the complications of relationships. In time, might I rid myself of all of them and not have to feel the pain of others' pity and worry?

I remembered the sight of Mr. Wallace crying and Mark next to him holding his hand. Marky, he called him. Even Mr. Wallace had a friend. I thought of the picture of Mr. Wallace smiling with his arms around his wife. It felt like a betrayal in a way, he'd had a family and I never would.

Pain seared new in my chest. Tears filled my eyes and I hurt all over. Just putting one foot in front of the other, I walked through the streets heading in the general direction of my apartment. I felt more alone than ever. Before I'd gotten too far the wind began to blow. It seemed to blow right through me as if I wasn't there.

I cried myself to sleep that night, but quietly so as I could so that I wouldn't wake up Jackie. In the morning, my head hurt. Lying in bed for a time, I tried to find the will to get up. The light of the sun shone in the window and landed on my face. Blinking, I realized that I had overslept. I was late to work. I jumped up, wincing at the pain in my head, dressed, and ran out the door. My daily tasks were the only things I could still do. Those tasks were all that I had managed to keep in this shattered life of mine. Now in my despair, I had ruined even that.

I sighed, half running to work through the ice and snow. Despair was a useless emotion. I seemed to get nowhere dwelling on my pain. Life just kept getting worse and worse. I was done with it; done with the sideways looks from my roommates, done with the whispered conversations that stopped when I entered the room, done with being useless, just done with all the pain.

Okay, so I wasn't going to get everything I wanted. It was time to focus on what I did have or I would lose everything. It was time to go on. I pushed all the hurt feelings down deep where I could keep them in check. Today, I would move on with whatever part of my life was left.

Work and school would be my focus now. That is how I would go on. It is all I had. Busying myself to get all the things at work done despite my hour late start, I had a few moments peace in my head. I was always a good worker and now I would be even better. School could use a lot more attention too. If I just crowded the pain out, maybe I would find the joy of school again. I was going to delete solitaire from my computer and never hide again. No more mindless distractions for me. I was simply going to change focus. We were part way through the winter semester and I was halfheartedly working on my class assignments. It wouldn't be hard at all to do better.

Plans were fine, but actions were another story. I went through the day tentatively as if I had sore muscles; testing each step to determine if it hurt more. It was strange how noisy everything seemed, as if I hadn't heard all the confusion around me for a month and a half. Had it only been that long? It seemed so much longer. I certainly felt older.

As I was getting home that afternoon, I saw Christy again. I returned her wave and tried to add a smile. "God loves me," she'd said. I knew that at one time he did. Maybe eventually, I could work my way back to his favor.
Chapter 12

The next morning I awoke on time. At work, I completed everything early and looked for extra things to do. One of the full time staff had me inventory in the large room that held canned goods. The paperwork reminded me of the management class I was taking this semester. It got me thinking about my career.

The longer I was in the recreation program, the more I knew that I wanted to have my own summer camp. I loved being out in nature and I'd always wanted to give others that experience. A life of service in this way might allow me to still see others smile without having to get too close.

The future had always been something to plan for, but not to dwell on. I had always lived in the moment. Now more than ever, I needed a dream; something to focus on and work towards. I would make this camp my focus.

My goal needed a plan. I set to work making one. First, I would get more information and for that I needed input. I decided to play roving reporter.

"What was your favorite part of summer camp?" I asked everyone: people waiting to enter a classroom, the person behind the counter in the store, and even random people I stopped between classes. It was odd, at first I thought talking with people again would be difficult and truly, the first time it was. Some of the awkwardness eased when I realized that no one was looking at me with pity. Strangers were easier to talk to than friends.

When Dad called, I was able to reassure him that things were going better. "Really Dad, I am excited about this summer camp idea. If I can get it all researched and planned right, I could really pull it off."

"Great, Megan. You would be really good at that. We would get free rates right?" he said with an obvious smile in his voice. That was nice. Usually in these talks he just sounded serious and worried. My smile totals were still abysmally low. At least this week, I would have one.

The serious tone came back. "How are your prayers going?"

"Okay," I said weakly, not really wanting to discuss it. I had gotten out of the habit.

"Here is my fatherly council to you, then... pray harder."

"Thanks, Dad," I said, trying now to figure out how to get him off the phone. "I've got to go. I love you."

He didn't return the goodbye, but instead said, "It really works, Megan. You just have to keep at it."

"Bye."

He gave me a reluctant goodbye and I hung up.

Shaking off the phone call, I returned my attentions to my business plans. The responses were varied when I talked to people. Some answers were categorically unhelpful. Others had never been to summer camp or even scout or girls camp. Every once in a while, though, I got an answer that I could use.

Water activities seemed to be especially popular ranging from swimming and canoeing to white water. Campfire times also seemed to be remembered fondly. Those had always been my favorite, too. I kept track of the answers knowing that my camp would have to start out kind of small and I needed to prioritize.

At first, location seemed to be an easy thing to plan, but it turned out to be was much more involved than I had anticipated. There were zoning laws, building restrictions, utility accessibility, and taxes. At least, while I was still in school, I had the resource of knowledgeable professors to help. If I had tried to do this without all the research and preparation, I would have given up in frustration one week into it. So I kept plugging in the numbers and the results of my surveys. I had spread sheets on my computer for financing, survey results and even a timeline. They were constantly being updated. Without a social life, I found there was all kinds of time for planning.

The next item on my survey list was accommodations. I asked people if they preferred cabins or tents. Then, I wanted to know what kind of bathroom facilities they felt worked best. Of course, flush toilet won hands down, but I was surprised to learn that most surveyed didn't want mirrors, just a small sink. For most people, showers were optional if there was swimming. The cabins and tents debate was pretty evenly split. It wasn't unusual for a camp to have both; maybe that was a solution.

Camp food can be handled in a couple of ways, too. Most people seemed to like the experience of cooking on a campfire themselves, but many complained about lack of variety. I typically sampled 200 people for each question. Then I would plug my numbers in and watch my records grow.

It was funny how some people once they got talking about their camp experiences, they couldn't stop. I understood that enthusiasm. My enthusiasm was growing as well just from listening to their experiences and remembering my own. My smile totals were also growing again. People seemed to light up as they remembered.

"I went to this camp one year that had a cable strung between two trees and you slid down the cable on a zip line. I stood in line over and over all day just to ride it," one person confided.

"I went on this hike once where I had to cross a fallen log bridge in the rain. I was so sure I was going to slip off," another had said.

"We always TP'd the neighboring camp on our last night." I laughed at this one, remembering a girl's camp experience of my own.

"I liked to go out and sit on a rock all by myself and just listen to the sounds of the woods." This, too, I could empathize with, nature was one of my favorite chapels.

"The best place to see the stars was from the middle of the lake so we would go out on these barges and stargaze." This memory, of a girl from California, had made me want to be there too. I could just picture it in my mind.

Life was better, but I still hadn't faced D41 yet. The pain was there, it was just muted; taken over by distractions. I was still avoiding Jackie, too. She was the most persistent of my roommates. The others had given up a couple of weeks ago when their repeated attempts to befriend me had been in vain.

I knew I wasn't fixed yet. I was still angry with Heavenly Father for my broken body and for the loneliness it produced. My surveys had proven to me that I was naïve to think I could avoid people. It was clear that I was going to have to open up my heart again to clean out some of this mess. But this idea was frightening. How could I be sure I could go on again if it didn't work?

* * *

Christy's words had slowly been working in the back of my mind for a couple of weeks, since my visit with Mr. Wallace. The question on my mind was "How do I listen to the right messenger?" I fell back on all those lessons I'd had over the years. I began with my scriptures and then slowly added in my prayers.

At first, it was hard. I didn't want to be comforted. Life wasn't fair and I should get to feel as sad about it as I wanted. Faking being happy for everyone else wasn't really fooling anyone so why bother. Then, I realized that I didn't really like myself anymore. I wanted to be better and feel happy again.

* * *

That very week, while I was sitting in the living room writing Spencer for the first time since Christmas, the apartment phone rang. I was very surprised that it was Nathan. If he had called my cell, I wouldn't have answered. But I always answered the apartment phone in case it was for one of my roommates.

"Hey, Megan, glad I got a hold of you," he said all excited.

"What's up Nathan?" It really was good to hear his voice.

"I got my mission call today!"

"Wow, where are you going?"

"I'll tell you when you come for the party tonight, 6 o'clock, okay?"

Yikes, I wasn't quite ready to sit casually at a party, especially not there. Things were still weird. "Gee..." before I could go on, Nathan broken in.

Sensing my hesitation, he continued, "Andy won't be here, he has to work. You have to come. We miss you."

"Okay, Nathan, I'll be there." The response that used to be automatic had taken some effort this time, but I was going to face this. It made me smile to think that they might miss me; maybe I wasn't that unlovable. Plus, I really wanted to know where Nathan was going.

I walked down to the bookstore and bought some chips to take to the party. I didn't want to go empty handed. I made it back home with plenty of time to spare. It was only 5:00 and I sat fidgeting. It was tempting to go early, just because having made the decision to try, I hated waiting in limbo. Andy would have left for work by now; did they need help getting ready?

It had been a long time since I had just hung out with them. I was surprised when I realized that I really missed them and not just them, but Jackie, Kristen and Melissa too. I wanted my friends back. If only I could be a friend worth having again.

* * *

It was hard, but I waited until 6 o'clock like instructed and then knocked on the door. Nathan answered it, beaming from ear to ear. I waited to see if his smile would fade when he saw it was me, but it didn't. He welcomed me inside. The room was still pretty empty, but Emily and John were sitting together on the couch. It was then that I saw the large banner on the wall above them. The curly cue letters and the bright rainbow colors, had me convinced that Emily had made the sign. "Korea?" I asked.

"Yeah, can you believe it?"

"Well, congratulations! When do you report?"

"First week in May."

"I'm so happy for you, Nathan." He reached for a hug and I awkwardly complied.

I moved on to say hi to John and Emily when someone else knocked. "How are you guys doing?" I asked sitting next to Emily.

"We're a little freaked out, actually. We have to move the wedding date up if Nathan is going to get to attend. So many things to do..." she trailed off distracted.

"Oh, wow! Congratulations I didn't know you guys were engaged."

"Thanks," John said, smiling and looking rather pleased with himself.

More people sat and began to talk. Things were in full party mode and I was feeling a little overwhelmed. A party was not the best place to reintroduce myself to social things.

Mark came out of his room just as I was thinking about leaving. He walked over to me. This was going to be hard. I braced myself for the sound of pity in his voice.

"Megan, it is so good to see you. Someone I know can't stop talking about you." His genuine smile was a welcome sight. That made two already this evening, maybe they really did miss me. However, his words worried me. I hoped he wasn't talking about Andy.

He gestured toward the table where the food was laid out. I grabbed a handful of chips and a cookie. We stood in the kitchen because the living room was filling up with well-wishers.

"I'm afraid to ask?" I finally said, blowing out a huff of air.

"Mr. Wallace is smitten, I think. He said to tell you to come back and visit."

"What? He practically kicked me out." I was surprised, but pleased.

"I guess your charms are growing on him." He wiggled his eyebrows at me and I laughed. I actually laughed. It felt strange.

"I need to make another visit then. Maybe I can do it next week." I said, mentally checking my calendar. I needed to take something to entertain the man, too. I wondered if he liked games.

"Let me know, I'll go with you," Mark said, shoving a handful of chips into his mouth.

"So how are the Cole's doing?" I was feeling more relaxed and it felt nice for a change.

"Everyone at home is great. Micah has even come off of the oxygen. I think Rebekah is a little mad at me, though."

"Why, what did you do?" I asked, surprised.

"Well, after her last call to you, I told her not to call you anymore."

"What! Why would you do that?" I was shocked, but at least she hadn't called while I was really out of it. She was one friend I hadn't managed to push away.

"I figured you wanted some space, I mean, you stopped coming here. And you've been so.... sad." He looked at me, searching my face.

"I guess, I get it, but really it was unnecessary."

"So are you feeling better?"

"I'm getting there."

"So when do you want to go and see Mr. Wallace?"

"I'll go see him sometime this week after school. You don't need to take me."

"Okay, and how about a ride to church tomorrow? It's supposed to be raining."

"Sure," I said, excusing myself before I could make any more promises. I went back to the food table for a drink. It had been a long time since I had tried to be normal and I wasn't sure how long I could keep it up. When my cup was empty, I tossed it in the trash can, said my goodbyes, and left early.

* * *

The next morning when Mark knocked on the door, Jackie and I followed him out to the parking lot. It was a little less squished with Jackie than it had been with Andy. The thought made me sad and I tried to shake off the discomfort.

"Mark, I have been meaning to ask you... What was your favorite part of summer camp?"

He looked at me puzzled. Jackie broke in, "Oh, she asks everyone that question. She is a bit obsessed with her business plan."

"I never really went to a summer camp. Is scout camp okay?"

"Sure, any group camping experience works."

"I guess, I liked the music the most. You know, all the campfire songs and the stories. Hiking was really fun, too. Do I have to have just one favorite?"

I smiled because there was a little gleam in Mark's eye that I had seen a lot during my survey. "No, tell me all the stuff you liked. We have time."

"There was this one trail at scout camp that led to a hot spring. We usually ran it, being kids, you know. But one day I was walking there by myself because I had finished my cleaning assignment early. I rounded a corner and I saw an eagle perched just off the trail. I was quiet and kept my distance. He didn't even fly away. It was amazing."

"Cool," I breathed. We rode in silence for a moment, enjoying the picture that his words had painted. Funny how little things like that can make you feel the Spirit. It had been while since I'd felt that good. To keep tears from coming, I went on.

"Okay, if you have your choice, which is better cabin or tent?"

"Is it winter or summer?"

"Summer."

"Definitely tent. It feels more like you are camping when you are in a tent."

"Have you ever been in one of those old army canvas tents? The smell just enhances that feeling for me." My nose wrinkled in memory.

"One camp we went to had those. I didn't like them because they were so dark in the daytime."

Arriving at church, Mark stepped ahead and opened the building door for us. We felt a rush of warm air and hurried inside before we got soaked.

"Any more questions?"

"Two. What kind of bathroom facilities make camping the best? And do you prefer cafeteria type dining or cooking your own food in camp?" We headed for the stairs that would take us to the next level.

"Are you serious? Please tell me no one has chosen pit toilets over flush." His vote was obvious.

"Well, it doesn't hurt to ask," I said. But he was right; not one person in the survey had chosen pit toilets.

"I think I like cooking my own food, just not for breakfast. I don't want to have to get up for that." He smiled and winked as he spoke. I'd forgotten he was not a morning person. I counted his smile as the first for my week. Sometimes, I thought I should thank people for their smiles. This was one of those times because his smile made me feel happy.

"Thanks, you gave me some good thoughts." We entered the room where we held Sacrament Meeting. Andy waved to Mark. He had saved him a seat. His eyebrows went up when he saw me and I quickly turned away. "Go, ahead. Jackie and I have each other to sit by and we had better save seats for the rest."

Mark reluctantly left, probably feeling guilty that he was choosing one friend over another. But I knew it was no contest, best friends win every time. This was not supposed to work out like this. I should never have dated anyone from D41, or anyone at all, a small voice in my head said. Then, I would still have my friends and my comfortable, ignorant dreams. Quickly, I pushed the thoughts away, before they could take hold, and said a prayer for help.

The rest of our roommates made it just before the opening song. Sliding into the seats that Jackie and I had saved, Kristen and Melissa waved at me. Did they really still care after all I had done to push them away? It was amazing that I still had good friends in my roommates; a bonus I was not expecting.

Church was less uncomfortable this time. Everywhere I turned, I saw smiles. They weren't necessarily for me, but somehow it still felt friendly. My world was starting to color again and it was happening so slowly that I felt like I was watching a movie.

* * *

That night Mom called. She gave me the usual rundown of what the twins were doing and how Kelly was keeping her busy. It was nice to hear some news from home, now that I felt human enough to care. She hesitated for a moment then said, "I have other news too. George and Lindsey are going to have a baby. Can you believe it?"

It felt like I had been hit in the stomach, but I put my brave face on. "Wow, I guess that makes you a grandma. Congratulations. Tell George and Lindsey I'm happy for them."

"It makes you an aunt, so congratulations to you too."

"Hey, yeah. I didn't think of it that way. Well, I have things to get done before tomorrow. Love you."

I hung the phone up, went to bed and cried myself to sleep again. Jackie had to be used to it by now, so I didn't worry about disturbing her. Was it always going to be this hard?

* * *

I just got up the next morning, said my prayers and went on. It was all I could do, though with every step forward it seemed like I was being pushed back. There were so many emotions in my life that I didn't want. It was all just too overwhelming to deal with.

The busy week served as a good distraction and I started to feel a bit better. There were a few days of nice weather which had everyone hoping for spring. I was even able to start riding my bike to campus.

Thursday after class, I headed down to see Mr. Wallace. I was not sure what kind of reception I would get, but I wanted to try. This time, I knew that Mark would be working so maybe he could help me out if things went badly.

Mr. Wallace was lying in bed when I knocked. I wondered if he was feeling unwell. I hoped my visiting was okay. When I entered, he almost smiled and I could feel my eyebrows rising in response.

"Hello, Mr. Wallace. Are you sick?"

"Of course I'm sick. Would any well person live here?" He asked waving his arm around to indicate the whole building.

"I'm sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. Do you want me to go?"

"No, I'm bored."

"Well, what would you like to do?"

"Fly. Can you help me with that?"

"Sorry, I'm fresh out of wings, but I brought the paper maybe I can read to you for a while."

He sat up in his bed a bit more and nodded his head so that I would begin. I started to read the headline news. It was all about some political scandal. He stopped me before I reached the third sentence. The next article on an earthquake in South America received the same rejection. I turned the page and tried again. He looked at me in disgust over artificial heart valves, street construction notices and even the movie reviews. Finally, in desperation, I started reading the personals.

"Now we're talking." He slapped his hands together and rubbed them back and forth, as if he were a villain in a melodrama.

He listened attentively, but often broke in with comments. I tried not to laugh at his interpretations of the buzz phrases and words people used to describe themselves. When I had gone through the two columns, he pronounced that once again there wasn't anyone good enough. This was more than I could take. I began to giggle and he glowered at me.

"I didn't know you were looking for love, Mr. Wallace?"

"It's not for me. I'm looking for Marky. The boy should settle down. He spends too much time here."

"But that's his job," I objected mildly.

"Boy still needs a life. What's up with you and him anyway?"

"We're friends." Mr. Wallace match making was just funny.

"Bah, friends. Time's too short! You kids just don't get that." I was surprised to hear him say that. Surely, the time dragged for him shut up in this room. "I'm tired now, go home."

I left the room with mixed emotions. My visit had lasted longer than the last time, but I still didn't think he liked me much. Poor guy was too grumpy for his own good. I would just have to keep trying, but a genuine smile from Mr. Wallace seemed nowhere in my future.

I wondered what Mark would think of Mr. Wallace matchmaking for him. It could be funny to tell him but the conversation could turn on me fast. The last thing I wanted to discuss was my love life, even if teasing Mark about his would be fun.
Chapter 13

March was a long month. Towards the end, we got lots of snow and I was back to walking to campus, which was a bit difficult when the sidewalks weren't always cleared. Campus walkways were never a problem, but my shoes were usually wet by the time I got there. After Nathan's party, I had begun to attend family home evening again. Nathan and Mark had started going with me because Andy was bringing the girl he was dating to their group. I thought their show of solidarity was a bit overkill, but was happy to have their company.

One family home evening we were told to dress warmly and bring gloves. I suspected a snowball fight. It wasn't supposed to be a snowball fight, we were making a fort, but a few projectiles made it into the air anyway.

After I took a snowball to the side of the head, I had to retaliate. Nathan never saw it coming. I jumped on his back and he went face first into the snow. In a lightning fast motion, I was on my back and a pile of snow was being dumped onto my face. Wiggling away, I took refuge behind Mark who stood snowball at the ready watching Nathan closely. It felt good to be silly and have fun. I was starting to feel more like me all the time.

After the snow, we all went back to our apartment for some hot cocoa. Nathan and Mark sat next to me at the table while we sipped, not wanting to burn our tongues. "So, how is the mission prep going?" I asked, making conversation.

"Pretty good, I just need to get my suits."

"Oh, that reminds me, wait here." I ran back to my room and found the package that had been waiting for me to remember it. "I shouldn't give you this after that snow incident." I said, smiling and tossing him the box.

"Hey, you deserved it. I think my nose will be running for a week, thanks to you!"

"You started it!" I teased, sticking my tongue out at him.

Mark straightened his shoulders and put on a big daddy voice, "Now kids, settle down." We all laughed. It felt so good to laugh.

"Well, you still owe me," Nathan said, faking hurt in his voice.

I eyed the gift in his hands pointedly and said, "Oh, how do you figure that?"

Remembering the present, he unwrapped the red striped tie and held it up to his chest. "Thanks, Megan. It's cool. But I figure you owe me because you just disappeared. With the whole John and Emily thing, I could really have used a friend." Ouch!

"You looked like you were doing all right at your party."

"Those people were just there because of my call. But you hang out with me just because. I spent lots of nights as the third wheel with Emily and John. They're kind of driving me nuts."

"Sorry, things have just been..." I trailed off not wanting to describe the pain. I'd managed to hurt so many people who cared about me. There were a lot of things I needed to fix. I said a silent prayer for help.

"Come on, you know Andy's work schedule and he is always gone now because of Savanna anyway. Come over."

"I will try to come over more often. I promise." This seemed to please both Nathan and Mark. "I've missed you guys, too."

"Good," Nathan said. He looked at Mark and it seemed like they exchanged a signal. Mark got up and took our mugs into the kitchen. "Megan, I was hoping you would go out with me on Friday. There is a dance; I thought it would be fun."

I wasn't healed yet and this felt like a set up. "You mean like a date?" He nodded and for a moment, I considered it. What harm could it do? He was leaving on his mission soon and Nathan was always fun. Stopping myself before I could get too far, I shook my head, "Sorry, Nathan, I actually don't date anymore. But I really appreciate the offer."

I was just trying to be nice with that last part. I didn't appreciate the offer, or the reminder that I was too damaged to consider it. Maybe living in this love sick community was a bad idea.

He blinked, "What, why don't you date anymore? That's crazy. Is this still about Andy? Come on Megan, that was months ago. You should move on."

"It's not Andy. I just... well it's kind of a long story, but thank you anyway." That last part was harder to add this time. I needed to get out of there, but this was my apartment not theirs.

Feeling awkward and upset, I sat frozen. Thankfully, Mark, who had heard the whole exchange in the kitchen, returned and led Nathan back to their apartment before Nathan could argue anymore.

I went back to my room and climbed into my bed. At least, I could still have fun with my friends, just no more dates. My mind continued the thought, no more holding hands, no more kisses, and no more feeling extra special to just one person. I sniffed and wondered if this would ever get any easier.

I pulled out my scriptures for the first time in a long time. Maybe I could find solace there. I was just starting to read when I heard loud cheering and squealing sounds from the living room. Jackie burst in the door, "Megan, guess what? Kristen and Tony are engaged." I managed a weak smile, she hardly noticed before she bounced back down the hall. Tomorrow was soon enough to congratulate Kristen. I didn't think I could do it tonight. I picked my scriptures back up and tried to read. My prayer that night was a simple plea, "Heavenly Father, I can't do it anymore, please help me."

* * *

The next day, I woke up feeling a little better. Getting out of bed seemed easier. During my Church History class, we were talking about answers to prayer. I started to look for those answers in my life. There were times when I had found something that was lost. There was the time that I prayed for a friend who was sick and they had gotten better. I used to trust prayer so much. How long it had been since I had gotten an answer to my prayers?

Was Heavenly Father still listening? I thought of Christy and her constant watch over me when I was really lost. Then, I remembered the prayers that I had offered to learn to appreciate visiting teaching. Yes, she was an answer to that prayer. She had said the things that had helped me start to change. She reminded me that Heavenly Father did love me and he cared what I was doing and feeling.

So visiting teachers can bring messages from God and watch over His children even when they were lost. I had no idea until that moment how important they were or how lost I was. I said a prayer, thanking Heavenly Father for Christy and for loving me even when I was mad at Him.

On the way home, I bought a big Gerber daisy for Christy. I wrote a little note on a card thanking her for being the Lord's messenger. I hurried home and left it with her roommate. Then, I went home to get started on dinner. I would begin making things up to my roommates tonight.

While dinner was cooking, I wrote an encouraging note to Spencer. His total for the week had been abysmal. I wondered how bad his week would have had to be to get only two smiles. Spencer was not the kind to wallow like I'd been doing. Thinking of him sent a flood of memories to my mind; Spencer pushing me into the pool, Spencer stealing a lick of my ice cream cone while I was distracted by driving. I sent him the smile that was on my face by drawing it on the bottom of his letter. At least, he could add my smile into next week's total.

The more I pondered, the more I could see all the answers to prayer in my life. Prayer was becoming important to me again, but in a different way. Where before it had been a nice way to communicate with Heavenly Father, now it was more like a life line. The peace that it brought reminded me of the peace I felt when I was in a forest. Craving that feeling, I knelt often and tried hard to listen. It was clear that not all of my answers would come in a day, but I was beginning to hope. I was done shutting Heavenly Father out of my life and that calmed my spirit more than anything else did.

* * *

I was trying my best to ignore my roommates one Friday night when my phone rang.

"Hey, Megan. I need to talk to you, can I come over?" Mark asked.

"Things are kind of crazy here," I said, looking around at the wedding magazines spread out on the floor and couches. Giggling girls filled the living room. "How about if I come over there?"

There was a hesitation, "Andy's here."

"That's okay. I'll be over in a few minutes." I put the phone down feeling proud of myself. It was time to stop avoiding him. It wasn't as if things were his fault anyway. I could be a grown up about this.

I grabbed my jacket and put my shoes on. It wasn't quite barefoot weather yet, although April was more pleasant than the snowy March we'd had.

The walk to D41 was familiar again. I had started hanging out with the guys, but it was always when Andy was gone. Nathan had been a little weird about the whole date thing at first, but he got over it after a few visits. Always the competitor, he beat me at a game of Sorry one night and decided that things were back to normal. I even suggested that he take Jackie to out and he took my suggestion. According to Jackie, they'd had a lot of fun.

I knocked and the door immediately swung open. Mark was looking down the hall as if he expected someone. He sighed, waved me in and closed the door. I guessed he was hoping that Andy would stay in their room. I suddenly wondered how the conversation had gone when he hung up with me. Did he tell Andy to stay out of the way? Did he tell him why?

We sat at the table and he fidgeted.

"What's up? Is everything good with your family?"

"Great actually, that is kind of why I wanted to talk to you? Hear me out. This is going to seem like a strange request."

"Okay, I'm listening."

"My parents have decided that the family needs to take a vacation."

"That's great, where are you going?"

"California. Mom wants us to see her favorite places from when she was little. She grew up there, you know. Anyway, the thing is... this will involve some camping and we aren't so sure how to make that happen." He paused and looked towards the hall again. "I told my parents that you might be able to help us." He raised his brows, biting his lip.

"What do you want me to do?" I stared at him puzzled. The idea of helping the Coles had me immediately wanted to say yes, but out of habit, I approached with caution.

"Well, I was hoping that you could come home with me after school and stay with my family. The kids will have another month of school. That should be enough time to get everything planned and squared away for this monster vacation. After the trip, I could drop you off at home in Arizona."

It was a strange request, but I liked it. The experience would certainly be good and I wasn't really looking forward to another long summer at home; especially watching Lindsey's tummy expand. "It sounds fun, but I kind of need to work over the summer to afford my tuition for next year."

"I thought of that. My mom says she can get you a job teaching swim lessons at the local pool. That's what you did before, right?"

"So you want me to go to Idaho with you, live with your family and prepare them for a big camping vacation to California?"

"That's pretty much it. You could put it on your resume or something. We could really use your help. We are way out of our depth here. You know we never go anywhere."

"It sounds totally fun and I would love to check out Idaho. I'd never really been there before. I have to check with my family first. Can I let you know?"

"Sure. That's great! I have some ideas about the trip, too. Let me know when you can." He was acting so jittery, I had to laugh.

"I'll go home and call them right now." I stood up and headed for the door.

"Oh, do you want my home phone number so your parents can call mine?"

"No, I don't think that will be necessary. Besides, I already have Rebekah's number."

"Why don't we meet somewhere later and you can tell me what they said."

"I have to do my laundry. Can you meet me in the laundry room in about an hour?"

* * *

I walked home with all kinds of ideas running through my head. The parks in California were so beautiful. I was getting excited about this adventure before I even got the okay. Bursting through the door, I headed for my phone.

Mom answered right away. She was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher. I told her all about it. She wasn't enthusiastic about the idea. "Well, let me get Dad and we can all talk about it."

Dad's first reaction was to laugh, "Megan, you are an adult. Why are you asking us?"

"I just wanted to know if you thought it would be okay if I don't come home for a while."

"Well, we would miss you, but it sounds like a good opportunity."

Mom jumped in at this point, "How much do you know about this family? What if they aren't nice to you?"

"Mom, they aren't like that. Mark and Rebekah are great. I am sure I will be fine."

"Megan, are you happy about this?" It was Dad again. He was really interested in my happiness lately.

"Yeah!" I beamed into the phone.

"Then go for it," Dad offered.

"But..." Mom started to say.

"Love you guys! I'll go tell them now."

I hung up the phone and called Rebekah.

"Hello, Rebekah? So, would you mind having a roommate for a while?"

"Who is this?? Megan?"

"Yep."

I guessed her response was no because all I could hear was loud, excited screaming. "You're really coming?"

"Yes, I just decided." It felt strange to say that. I had decided, not my parents.

"Oh, we are going to have so much fun!"

"Listen, Rebekah, I need to go tell Mark now. Talk to you later?"

"Sure, I'll tell everyone here."

"I think they probably already know thanks to your screaming."

"No, I do that all the time," she laughed. "Bye!"

I put the phone down and gathered my laundry. The load was really big. As I struggled down the hall and out the front door with it, I promised myself again that I would do it sooner next time.

* * *

I was putting my laundry in the dryers when Mark walked in carrying a basket. "This was a good idea," he said, heading for the washer. "It got me in here to take care of this before I ran out of clothes. I hate laundry."

"I know what you mean. I had three loads this time because I waited so long."

"Well, what did your folks say?" He seemed anxious and I was happy that I could give him good news. Mark would do anything for his family. I was pretty sure delivering me as an expert guide would please him.

"The feelings were mixed, but it is my decision and I am looking forward to it."

"You're coming?" I could hear him holding back the excitement in his voice.

"Yes, now you had better tell me about those plans of yours." I pulled out a new spiral notebook and wrote Cole Family Vacation on the front cover. He smiled. I was starting to think that spending the summer with the Coles was going to do wonders for my weekly totals. Spencer would be so jealous.

"Shoot!"

"Well, the family has a whole bunch of ideas and Mom and Dad have some requirements. I think the whole thing is going to get worked out in a family meeting when we first get back home. There is just one thing I really want to do."

"What is it?" I wrote 'ideas' at the top of the page and waited.

"I want to go on an overnight backpacking trip with Christian. We need some guy time and I think he would love it. Plus, it will give us a chance to do things that we couldn't possibly do with the rest of the family."

I wrote down backpack trip with Christian and then put Mark's name to indicate whose idea it was. In a family of nine, I was pretty sure there were going to be lots of ideas. "That shouldn't be too difficult. What part of California are we going to?"

"Mom grew up in the Central Valley. She wants us to see Yosemite and the Sequoias."

"How long are we vacationing for?"

"A week, plus travel to and from?"

"This could get expensive. Do you guys already have all your camping gear?"

"No, that is one of the things Mom is hoping you can help her with. She isn't sure what we need. Don't worry about the money. The Cole's aren't rich, but we have been saving for this trip for seven years."

"Seven years? Wow!"

"I guess all the other details should wait until we get there, except one. What is your schedule like now?" he asked.

"It is a little crazy. I'm finishing up some projects."

"Yeah, I'm pretty busy now too, but I need you to meet me at my apartment tomorrow morning."

"What for?"

"You have got to learn to drive a stick shift so you can use my truck at home."

"Ummm.... I don't know, that sounds a little dangerous. I'll just ride my bike." George had tried to teach me once how to drive his stick shift. I'd narrowly avoided an accident.

"Megan, don't be crazy, it isn't a spaceship or anything. We'll find a deserted parking lot somewhere and you will get it in no time."

"Okay," I said, reluctantly. I put the notebook away and he ran back to his apartment for a board game.

It was ten o'clock when I got home. Quickly, I put my folded clothes away and climbed into bed. It was time to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be some day. Kneeling on my bed, I thanked Heavenly Father for the Coles and the opportunity they were giving me. I also thanked Him for a loving family and a Dad that wanted me to be happy. Then, I reflected on how much happier I was feeling. It's funny how changes can sometimes happen so slowly you don't even notice.

* * *

I was beginning to see my strengths and talents again. As I felt the Spirit more often, quieting the negative thoughts became a little easier. I discovered, however, that I could not add driving a manual transmission to my list of talents. I was getting frustrated as over and over I stalled Mark's truck in the mall's back parking lot. Luckily, there were few witnesses to my ineptness, but Mark's snickers were bad enough.

"Sure keep laughing. It's your transmission I'm ruining."

"It's all about timing." He tried to look at me seriously, biting his lip so that he wouldn't laugh. "You'll get it. You just need to get the timing right."

An hour later, I was doing pretty well. I had made it around the mall. Then, I had to start again from a stop sign and I stalled in the middle of the intersection. "Ahhh!" I groaned, frantically trying to get out of another car's way. The lot was filling up. I started the engine again, pulled over to a parking spot, and stopped the truck. "Your turn, I've had enough."

"You are so close. Are you sure you don't want to practice on the real road?"

"Definitely not. I am done for the day." He was such a good teacher. I wondered where he got all of his patience from.

"Okay, we will just have to practice again next Saturday. We are running out of time."

"No, not again."

"Are you saying you don't want to be around me," Mark teased. "That's hurtful, Megan, besides you may as well get used to me."

"Good point, I guess you are going to be around a lot. Well, at least I'll have Rebekah for compensation," I teased back.

"Ouch! Hey since we're here, come in with me and help me pick out a present for Nathan."

We returned home two hours later. I had just enough time to work on my biology homework before Melissa's concert. This time I was dressed properly and sitting in the front row. I didn't even laugh when I saw Nathan and Jackie enter holding hands; funny how that was working out. All that talk about returned missionaries and she would be writing a missionary, after all. Shortly after they came in, I saw Mark. I hadn't thought to ask him if he wanted to come. I guess Melissa had. He waved at me and came to sit in the open seat next to me.

Again, he closed his eyes, listening to the music, and I thought of Mr. Wallace. It was too bad we couldn't have brought him with us. After the concert, we all went back to our apartment for ice cream. The group was upbeat and silly as we talked. Melissa was so thrilled to be finished with her final concert of the year and we all cheered for her.

* * *

The week flew by in a blur. Much too soon, I was sitting behind the wheel of Mark's truck again. After a quick refresher from last week, he directed me out of the parking lot and onto the city streets. Nervously, I concentrated hard until my hands hurt from squeezing the steering wheel. We made our way into the center of town where there were definitely too many stops.

"You need a chance to practice changing gears, turn right here. Let's get on the freeway."

I looked over to him, terrified. "What?"

"Megan, think about it. The hardest part for you is the starts and stops, right? The freeway will be a piece of cake."

I wasn't sure this was true, but I entered the freeway and headed south towards Spanish Fork. He was right; shifting gears was easy enough, once I got used to it. Mark got really good at not wincing when I would grind the gears.

He told me to take the exit to Spanish Fork Canyon and I panicked because we were going to be back to stops and starts again. I'd had enough practice for one day.

"Calm down, Megan, you can do it. I thought while we were out we could check out the Canyon. I remember some hot springs up there from before my mission."

I was too busy focusing to answer him.

Passing into the shopping area, Mark said, "Hey, pull in here, I'm starving. You can practice a pick-up window." I pulled in and he gave me his order. "Get something for yourself too, please. I don't want to feel bad eating in front of you; my treat."

Shaking my head at how early it was for fast food, I ordered some fries and a small root beer. We parked in the lot because there is no easy way to eat while driving a stick shift. I watched Mark woof down two burgers, fries and a milk shake. Wondering where it all went in his lean frame, I said, "Now I see... your family has been saving lots of money because they haven't had to feed you the last few years. No wonder they can take big vacations."

He laughed, eying my fries. "Well, at least you're not going to eat them out of house and home this summer. You'll be economical."

We ate in silence for a while. The sun was shining in the window and my skin felt extra warm where it hit. "How is Mr. Wallace doing?"

He smiled, "Grumpy as usual. He keeps asking about you. I think you're addictive." I tossed my wadded fry wrapper at him and he dodged it expertly.

"I missed," I said, pretending frustration.

"Yeah, you just can't beat me." He picked up the projectile and prepared for a counter attack.

Quickly, I directed his attention away from that plan. "I've been to the springs before. If you want me to get us to the right spot you need to drive so I can think." It was a bit of a copout, but I so did not want to drive anymore. I opened the door and jumped out before he could remember his attack or suggest I try mountain driving.

I walked around the truck to the passenger's side. Mark got out too; garbage in hand and to my relief, walked to the trash can. I was safe from retaliation it seemed.

He came back and stood by the door so that he could close it for me and I thanked him with a curtsey. "You really are getting so much better at this driving thing," he offered, encouragingly.

"Yeah! I didn't even kill us," I teased. Then he grabbed me in a big hug. It was nice and warm there; too nice, I decided. He was always so sweet. I smiled at him, but pulled away and climbed into the truck. I should get used to this. I was going to be spending six weeks with a family of huggers, but I shouldn't get to comfortable.
Chapter 14

We spent the rest of the day getting lost in the canyon. Finally, we found the trail to the springs. We followed the smell of sulfur the last quarter mile. Kicking our shoes off, we both ran to the springs and I splashed in the shallowest ones. Mark took a more casual approach carefully sitting on a rock and dipping in his feet with his pant legs neatly rolled up.

It was a lazy afternoon, the warmth of the sun and the springs made the clearing especially pleasant. I dozed happily, watching the bright yellow and red of the sun through my eyelids. I even heard a small snore from Mark's direction.

Unable to resist, I snuck up to him. I was careful not to block the sun on his face and wake him up. Then, I reached into the spring cupping my hands. He awoke with a start as the carefully aimed water hit his face. After that, I could expect little mercy and the water fight was on.

The sun was heading toward the west when we prepared to head back. "Next time, I am bringing my swimsuit," he said, trying to dry himself off. Giggling like a child, I splashed him again. We both walked slowly along the trail listening to the crack of twigs and the other little sound of the woods. At least our shoes were dry, but the rest of us was dripping.

The water had started out warm, but by the time we reached the truck, we were both shivering because of our wet clothes. Mark cranked up the heater and then reached behind the seat. "Here," he said, handing me a blanket. I snuggled down under it even though it smelled like metal. It must have been kept right next to a set of old tools or something. Still, I was grateful that he always seemed to be prepared.

"What do your finals look like?" he asked as we drove.

"Not too bad. I'll be done with them by the 21st."

"My last final is on the 20th, but I have to work on the 22nd. Do you mind hanging out for a day or so?"

"No, that works great. I can scout apartments for next year. I haven't gotten to that yet."

"Okay, then we will leave on the 23rd. Do you have a lot of stuff?"

"Not really, two suitcases, maybe four boxes, and my laptop. Oh, and my bike."

"We should fit fine then. I guess with the computers, we shouldn't pack the truck until Friday morning."

"I hope your family likes me."

"Are you kidding, you may have to beat Christian off with a stick."

"That's not exactly what I meant."

"Megan, have you ever actually met anyone who didn't like you?"

"Sure, everyone has."

"Well, I just can't imagine that."

"Oh, what about Mr. Wallace?" I asked with a laugh.

"He doesn't like anyone, but he does like you. Like I told you, he's addicted."

"I think he likes you too, Marky."

"No!! Please don't call me that." His face was earnest but there was humor there too.

"I'll consider it."

"Oh, it's a deal is it? What do you want?"

"Dinner. I'm starving."

He tilted his head to the side as if he were considering. He smiled and said, "Deal. Where do you want to go?"

We ate in the car again, thanks to our wet, stinky clothes. Away from the hot springs we could once again smell the sulfur and it wasn't good. When we got home, I thanked him for the fun day and excused myself so that I could get dry. The apartment was quiet. It had been that way a lot lately.

Jackie was in the kitchen making dinner. "Hey, where have you been, you smell kind of funny."

"We hiked to the hot springs, it's the sulfur."

"And you're wet."

"Water fight."

"I thought you weren't dating anymore? Who did you go with?"

"Mark. He was just teaching me to drive his stick shift. It wasn't a date."

"Sure," she said. "Dinner is almost done. I made enough if you want some, but go shower first."

"It smells really good, but I just ate. The shower sounds like a good idea though. Want to watch a movie when I'm done?"

"Okay."

* * *

It was the final week of school and cleaning was a big thing on the agenda, as we prepared to move out of our apartment. It was amazing how many phone messages and church bulletins I found underneath the refrigerator. The bathroom sparkled now. It was cleaner than it had been all year. Aside from the cleaning meeting we had Sunday night, I only caught glimpses of my roommates the next few days. Then, one by one, they all left for home and the apartment was empty except for me.

I no longer felt like I wanted to be alone, so I decided to visit Mr. Wallace. I hopped on my bike and rode through the residential streets of Provo heading for the hospital. There was a lot of activity as people loaded cars with boxes and piles of clothes on hangers. Another year was over already and what a year it had been. I had reached the end of my rope and yet somehow I was still hanging on. It was still hard, but my load was lightening.

Mr. Wallace was not exactly pleased to see me, but he was as pleased as he ever gets. I found him, dapper as always, looking out his window.

"Hi, Mr. Wallace. It's beautiful outside isn't it?"

"It's okay, not green enough yet."

"Would you like to go out in the courtyard for a walk?"

"Don't you mean ride," he said, grimacing at the wheelchair.

"Either way you still get some fresh air."

"May as well. You'll just talk me to death anyway."

I smiled and helped him gently to the chair.

"All ready?"

"Better drive by the nurses' station and let the warden know you're springing me."

"You've got it." I pushed him down to the station, smiling at the residents sitting in the hallway. From the looks on their faces, Mr. Wallace was scowling at them. We passed the desk and I spoke up in a stage whisper, "Hey Mark, Mr. Wallace and I are running away from home. Don't wait up."

Mark grinned and hollered after us, "Watch out Mr. Wallace, Megan's trouble."

I headed out the glass doors that led to the courtyard. The sun was just starting to set and I was glad that I had grabbed a blanket throw as we left the room. Placing the blanket across Mr. Wallace's lap, I began to stroll around the walk admiring the bright colored bulbs in the flowerbeds.

"You're trying to freeze me," Mr. Wallace complained as he pulled the blanket up tighter.

"Sorry about that. I guess the sun was making all the difference." I stopped the chair for a moment so that we could watch a bird making a nest in one of the three trees in the courtyard. "Well, the birds seem to think the weather is nice," I said, pointing to the twig laden bird in flight.

"Do you see any feathers?" Mr. Wallace said, gesturing with his arms as if he was flying. I couldn't help myself, I laughed. To my surprise, Mr. Wallace laughed too. The smile stayed on his face for a moment and then quickly he assumed its normal frown. It was brief, but that was good enough for me. I could finally count a smile from Mr. Wallace. "Take me inside before I get too much fresh air."

"As you wish," I said, waving my hand with a flourish. I took the long way around, circling the building. I hummed a little to myself as I walked. It wasn't quite a tune, just noise, but it gave me something to do while he held his quiet mood.

"Stop that," he complained after a moment. "If you're going to hum try not to sound like a buzz saw."

I stopped immediately and chided, "Why don't you start us off then."

He began a soft melody that I recognized. I joined in and our hums of "I am a Child of God" filled the hallways. Those we passed did double takes as they saw the resident grump humming. I smiled widely because they weren't the only ones surprised by Mr. Wallace tonight. When we came to his room, I pushed him inside and offered to help him to his bed or another chair.

Shaking his head, he said, "Just push that call button over there."

I obeyed and Mark appeared in the doorway two minutes later. "I see you're back. What do you need Mr. Wallace?"

"Privacy," he grumbled, looking pointedly at me.

I took the hint and gave Mr. Wallace a friendly wave. "I'll go now. I'm going to miss you this summer, Mr. Wallace. Goodbye."

"Oh, hey, Megan. Wait for me, my shift is almost done," Mark said. I nodded and he closed the door.

In the dining hall, there were a couple of ladies putting a puzzle together. One lady with thick glasses and a crown of soft white curls made an exasperated sound.

"I just can't tell if that's an eye or a pebble. How are your eyes?" She asked, looking me up and down.

"Pretty good, let me see." I sat down next to her and we began to work.

About 20 minutes later, Mark found me. "Mr. Wallace says to tell you goodbye. Ready to go?"

"Sure," I rose from the table. "Thanks for letting me help. Have a good night," I said to the ladies. They smiled at me and I added three more smiles to my tally.

We walked out to the truck and I went to retrieve my bike from the pillar where I had chained it. Mark flung it into the back with one effortless movement. He was strong despite his thin appearance.

"Ice cream?" I asked when we were on our way.

He shivered, but said, "Sure." He drove across town to an ice cream and sandwich shop I'd eaten at a few times.

We lingered over our bowls just talking. I told him all about my visit the bewildering Mr. Wallace. Mark wasn't at all surprised to hear that he had laughed or hummed. "He's never told you?"

I gave him a puzzled look and begged, "Told me what?"

"Mr. Wallace taught music at a high school for many years. He is not lacking in a sense of humor or a love of music. You have to catch him in the right mood, but he has some great stories. He's just lonely and unhappy."

"That much I had gathered." I said dryly and we both chuckled. "Long day tomorrow." I was feeling excited for an adventure.

"Speaking of which, we had better get home if we want to get an early start. I still have some packing to do."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pulled you away from that."

"Don't be silly. This was fun and I love ice cream."

"I can tell," I said, looking at his empty banana split bowl.

He lightheartedly complained, "Hey, this was dinner."

"You hadn't eaten yet?"

"Not since my lunch break at 2." He looked as his watch as he spoke. "9 o'clock already?"

"They have sandwiches here too, you know. Do you want anything else?"

"No, I'm good. I need to get home, there's lots left to do."

I flagged down the waitress and ordered a sandwich to go. "This will just take a minute. If you're going to have a late night you might want it." His answering grin was almost blinding. "It's just a sandwich. It isn't like I gave you a kidney or anything," I observed, but I happily counted his smile.

"I know. I just think it's cool that you care."

Well, of course, I cared. Had I been so awful this winter that people thought me heartless? How did I respond to that? We got the sandwich and left.

"I will knock about 6 in the morning and you can start bringing your stuff out."

"Okay, I hope you get some sleep."

I decided it would be easier in the morning if my stuff was all ready by the door. I moved it and then slept on the couch so I wouldn't miss the knock in the morning.

* * *

I learned on the way to Idaho that Mark was a huge fan of a cappella music. His mp3 collection was extensive and listening to it was surprisingly fun. It was impossible not to sing along as we drove down the long highway. Again, I was reminded of times with George, but Mark was definitely a better singer. He carried on harmonies and I tried to keep up with the melodies. Smiling and laughing and singing felt so good. I wondered if his whole family was as cheerful. Perhaps they would be good for me in more ways than one.

Mark also asked me lots of questions about my business plan and my camp plans in general. He was very encouraging and it made me feel good. My roommates had rolled their eyes when I started talking about my plans, but Mark was really listening. There were still two years of school ahead of me, but the plans had been an important distraction, and I was attached to them. The enthusiasm that had come from listening to others' experiences was still strong, and it was nice that someone else seemed excited too.

"Where do you think you want your camp to be?"

"I'm not sure. I have been casually looking at real estate," I admitted. This had been one part of the plan I hadn't discussed with friends, because I was worried that they would laugh at my prematurity. "California, although beautiful, is just going to be too expensive. Arizona is so dry most of the time that campfires are often prohibited even in the forests. I was thinking about Utah, but it is getting expensive too, in a couple of years I am just not sure I could swing it."

"Have you considered Idaho?"

"Actually, I've been thinking about it since your family invited me. I'm not sure about hiking and things there. Maybe I can get a better idea during my visit."

"So much of Idaho I haven't even seen. There must be a lot to explore," he said. Stretching the muscles in his neck, he wiped his eyes with his hand. "Do you think you could drive for a while? That late night is creeping up on me."

I shrunk at the idea, but agreed to take over. There were a few hesitations as I pulled away from the curb on the off ramp where we had stopped, but I managed to get us back on the highway. Once I was in fourth gear I relaxed.

"Good job! You're getting better," Mark offered, as he rolled his long legs to the side and laid his head against the window. "Just stay on this road we have about three hours left."

The miles flew by and before long, we were nearing our destination. I reached over and shook Marks shoulder as we passed a sign indicating that Twin Falls was about 20 minutes away. The Coles lived in the country just outside of Twin Falls. I was completely unfamiliar with the area, so I felt better with him awake. This way he could navigate the last bit.

He sat up, stretched his neck and rolled his shoulders. Looking at his watch, he blinked. "I'm sorry I slept so long, Megan."

"It's okay. You must have needed it. You seem pretty good at sleeping on the road. I'm always wide awake; it gets a little annoying on long trips because then I arrive all tired out."

"Trust me, the falling asleep can get annoying too. Once on a scout trip I fell asleep. When I woke up my legs were tied together with bandages. It took me twenty minutes to get through all the knots."

"So many things I missed, not being a boy scout," I complained with a smirk.

We passed another sign showing our destination was even closer. I started to feel a little nervous again, hoping that the Coles would like me. They were stuck with me for a month and a half. It would be horrible if I was a burden. I tried to distract myself by asking questions.

"So tell me more about your mom and dad. You haven't said much about them."

"Mom is short with long, curly, red hair. I was taller than she was by the time I was 12. The last I knew, Caleb was well on his way to being taller too. Anyway, Mom loves music and is always singing. She has a degree in the humanities and is always taking us to concerts and plays. But she is playful too. Once, when I was seven, she hustled me at arm wrestling." He laughed at the memory.

"What? How did she do that?"

"I wanted to stay up late, so she said if I beat her at arm wrestling that I could stay up. I beat her so fast. I thought I was the strongest kid ever. She suggested we do it again. This time if I won, I got to stay up all week, and if she won, I had to take the trash out for a week. Well, you can guess what happened."

"I think I am going to like your mom." I could almost see his little seven year old face, sad with defeat and disbelief.

"You've met my dad so you know how he is; upbeat and big hearted. He would growl like a big bear, reach for me, and tickle me until I couldn't laugh anymore. He is also a master carpenter. It's more of a hobby now, but it paid his way through school. He has taught each of us boys how to work with wood. He would have taught the girls too, but Rebekah wasn't very interested and Anna and Ruth are still a bit young. I understand that they both help with clean up duties in the workshop now."

"What does your dad do for a living?"

"He's an accountant, that's why our family is so good at saving. He keeps us on a tight budget."

"Maybe I can take some lessons from him. I am going to need to save up a fair amount before a bank will even consider me for a business loan."

"Saving is a part of life when you adopt. My parents have a special account just for adoptions. Over the years, we all contributed to the account. It got us excited about helping our new brother or sister come to live with us. Anna was the last adoption a little over seven years ago. We started saving again right after she came home, but we never needed the money. Mom and Dad were completely surprised when Ruth came along. It's that savings that we are using for the vacation, there is probably close to $12,000 in it."

My eyes bugged out at the amount and then I asked, "Why didn't you need the money for Ruth. Oh, right she wasn't adopted."

"No, she is the only natural child in the family. Mom and Dad were told they would never have kids."

"So is that weird or anything?" I paused. "Sorry, I guess that is kind of a personal question."

"No worries. It actually doesn't make one bit of difference. Mom and Dad love us all just as much. I will say this though, it does give Ruth the prettiest red curly hair."

* * *

We had turned off the highway and were driving down a rural road, passing farm houses and barns. After about fifteen minutes, Mark had me pull into a long double driveway full of a big white van and two small cars.

The front yard was full of trees; most looked like they bore fruit of some kind, but it was too early in the season to tell what. There were bikes piled by the garage door and an abandoned doghouse just off of the driveway.

Mark leaned over and honked the horn. Kids poured through the front door. School had probably been out for about an hour and they looked like they hadn't been doing anything but waiting. I recognized Ruth right away thanks to her red hair. Mark was right, it was definitely beautiful. Caleb, I assumed, was the tall dark skinned boy with the largest dimples I had ever seen. Anna, who was blind, was slowly making her way to the tree next to the drive. She held onto the trunk and waited. Mark jumped out and grabbed the two that had run up to the truck. He had both of them in a headlock within seconds.

Caleb fought against him and managed to twist out because Ruth was giggling so much that Mark started laughing too. Scooping Ruth up onto his hip, he hurried over to Anna and wrapped her in a big hug. She giggled and turned her smiling face up to her big brother.

It felt like I was intruding on this private scene, so I stayed where I was standing next to the truck. Mark whipped his head around looking for me. "Come on over, Megan. Meet the rug rats."

Smiling, I ventured over to the small crowd. "This is Caleb, Anna and Ruth," he said, giving each a squeeze as he said their name.

"Nice to meet you," I said politely. Ruth grabbed my hand and held it while we walked into the house. She swung our hands back and forth, as we went, and it made me want to skip like I did when I was her age.

We walked through the front door into an entry way that was crowded with shoes and backpacks. Rebekah came in from the kitchen with an apple and Christian ran up the stairs when he heard all the noise. Rebekah and I hugged each other like old friends. She asked me about the trip, while I watched Mark and Christian wrestle, bumping into things in their exuberance. Sister Cole, who was sitting in the living room just off the entry with Micah, hollered for them to stop. She looked pointedly at Mark until he introduced me.

"Sorry, Mom. This is Megan."

"It's very nice to finally meet you, Megan," Sister Cole said. "This is Micah."

I walked closer so that Micah could see me, "Thank you so much for the invitation. I am very excited to spend this time with your family. Hi, Micah," I reached out to hold his hand. Mark's little brother was bent in a rigid pose that looked uncomfortable. His head, full of brassy blond hair, was turned to the side resting on the headrest of his chair.

"Well, we will see if you still feel that way in a month," Sister Cole said. She was glaring at the boys again because Christian had started poking Mark's side. Mark barely noticed Christian's attempts. He just stood there with an expression on his face I couldn't place. His look at me was so intense that I should have felt uncomfortable, but I wasn't.

Mark shook his head and seemed then to notice Christian's attack. "Oh, and this is Christian," Mark said, putting his hand on the shoulder of his younger brother. He was a younger brother, but not a little brother. Christian had grown just a little taller than Mark, despite the fact that he was only 17. He had dark eyes and brown hair about the color of Marks, but without the red highlights. His skin was covered with the usual pimples of adolescence and his upper lip bore a large scar indicating a former cleft palette. Christian grinned wide and I thought in that moment that I could see a lot of resemblance between him and Mark. They were both just so happy.

He walked over to me and made a theatrical bow. "Hello, Megan, so glad to meet you." He actually kissed my hand. I looked up to Mark for help and he gently shoved Christian off balance.

"Okay, give Megan her hand back."

Sister Cole chuckled softly on the couch. Micah decided he had been ignored long enough and he made a loud whining noise. Mark went straight to him and touched his face. He made a shhhing sound and talked quietly to him about our trip home. I could hear the soft reassuring words. I talked to Micah about our trip too and about how Mark seemed to be able to sleep anywhere. This won a laugh from Sister Cole.

Rebekah pulled me away to show me her room. It was purple and the walls were covered with pictures of friends. She offered me her bed, but I was fine with sleeping of the floor. After all, she still had a month of school left and I was prepared for roughing it. She had emptied two drawers for me and cleared some space in the closet, too. It was such a welcoming thing to do even if it destroyed my plans for living out of a suitcase. I was going to have to get more settled in than that.

When I came out of her room, Mark was still talking to Micah. I didn't want to disturb him so I went to unpack the truck. It had been decided that my things would be stored in the basement corner so I recruited Caleb and Christian to show me the way and to carry the boxes. They seemed happy to help when I gave them the left over cookies from the trip. "Hey," Mark protested, when he saw them running past him with the bag. "I was going to eat those later."

"Too late, I had to tip the bellboys."

He looked at his truck and sighed, realizing that he also had to unload. "Do we have any more food to bribe them with? Some of this stuff is heavy."

"Nope. That was the last of it, but I'll help you." I reached in for a box and then dropped it back into the bed. "What is in this? It weighs a ton."

"My nursing books, some of them are pretty heavy. I probably shouldn't have packed them all in one box. Just leave that one. I'll get it."

"I don't think I have ever asked you why you want to be a nurse." I grabbed a soft sided duffel, hoping that it would be lighter.

"Not really sure how it happened. You know that I took the CNA training so that I could help with Micah. Well, I got to help out in the hospital as part of my class and I really liked working with the patients. I guess it just seemed like a good way to go."

"It suits you. I just always think of nurses as women."

"I'm not sure if there is an insult in there or not," he said, laughing.

Flustered, I back tracked, "I'm sorry, I just meant that it is kind of an unusual job for a man, but you will make a really good nurse. You have a lot of compassion."

"Actually, male nurses are not as unusual as you think. My mom even had a male maternity nurse when she had Ruth. The work is steady and it pays really well, so it is a good job for men to support their families on."

"Your mom had a male maternity nurse? How embarrassing."

"Not really, she seemed fine with it. I guess he was good at his job."

My sleepy eyes popped open. "Are you going to go into maternity nursing?"

"I don't think so," he said, wrinkling his nose. "But I haven't completely decided yet."

"You would be good in any field, but watching you with your brothers and sister I'm thinking pediatrics."

"Wow, that's a long way from Mr. Wallace."

"Good point. Don't tell him I suggested it." We laughed.

* * *

With the truck unloaded, it was time to pitch in and set the table for dinner. Brother Cole would be home soon. His arrival was hard to miss because Ruth went bursting through the front door, "Daddy's home!"

"Wow! That was enthusiastic." I said, looking after her.

"Yeah, it's that 'I'm so glad when Daddy comes home' song. Mom starts brainwashing us with that one while we are still in a bassinet."

"I heard that," Sister Cole called from the kitchen.

Anna appeared in the entryway and Mark scooped her up and went out into the yard so that they could greet their Dad, too. Reluctantly, I followed, not wanting to intrude. Brother Cole stepped out of his land barge and it shook. After he put Anna down, Mark received a big bear hug from the large, gentle man. Then the girls each grabbed onto their Daddy's legs and he tried to walk towards the house.

"Megan," a booming voice said and I waved shyly at him.

"You're destined for a bear hug, Megan. You may as well get it over with," Mark smirked.

I walked forward holding out my hand as if for a shake, but of course, Brother Cole hugged me. It wasn't as powerful as the hug he had given Mark, but then, I barely knew him. He handed Mark his briefcase and scooped a girl up in each arm. They both kissed his cheeks. "Welcome to the Coles, Megan," Brother Cole called over his shoulder as he walked toward the house.

"Thank you," I called after him.

If I thought that Brother Cole was big before, I was shocked beyond coherent speech when I saw Brother and Sister Cole together. Brother Cole dropped both girls to their feet beside the table and walked over to his wife to give her a kiss. He bent down, he bent way down and she obligingly stood on tiptoe. Biting my lip, I tried to control my giggles, but I had never seen such a mismatched couple. Thankfully, they seemed rather focused on the kiss and oblivious to my reaction.
Chapter 15

After dinner, it was time for the family meeting. I grabbed my notebook and pen, and found the family sitting in the room just off of the kitchen. There was a fireplace and a sliding glass door to the backyard, but it wasn't quite big enough to be a family room, especially not for this family. Brother Cole sat on the hearth and asked Christian to offer a prayer. Sister Cole also was prepared to take notes.

The meeting began with Brother Cole reintroducing me to the family and explaining why I was there. "Megan has some practice at this sort of thing so she will be helping us have the best vacation possible. We leave in a few weeks and we need some opinions." He held his hand up to quiet the excited responses. "We will try to do at least one thing that each of you really wants to do but it has to be reasonable."

Sister Cole spoke up, "We are going to California because I have always wanted to show you the mountains there. A trip to Yosemite and to Sequoia and Kings Canyon National parks is already on the list. Let's take turns, youngest first. What would you like to do, Ruth?"

"Can we go to the zoo?" She was so hopeful, holding her hands together in a pleading way. Anna's wrinkled up face made me smile. I was pretty sure she was remembering the smell of the last zoo she had been to. Sister Cole wrote it on her list and I wrote it on mine with Ruth's name next to it. Then, I added a note to remind me about Anna's reaction.

"Anna?" Brother Cole asked.

Anna thought for a minute, "I really want to eat one of the peaches that Mom's always talking about." She licked her lips expectantly. "You know, the really juicy ones you used to eat right off the tree."

"That's not very much. Don't you want something else, dear?" Sister Cole coaxed.

"Nope, that's it." I made a note in my book.

Caleb didn't wait for his name to be called, "Can we go on a roller coaster?"

"Sorry son we aren't going to any amusement parks," Brother Cole said.

"Oh," Caleb said, a little disappointed. "Then can we go fishing?"

"That is a possibility," Brother Cole said approvingly.

I wrote down both requests in my book just in case. Maybe we could find a good roller coaster substitute.

Brother Cole took a moment with his next son. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Micah, we're going on a trip. Won't that be fun? We will try to do something you like too." He looked around the room at the family, "Any ideas?"

"We could go to a concert or something," Christian suggested.

"I think he would like to see the monkeys like me!" Ruth said, jumping up and down.

"He'll like campfires," Rebekah said. "When I went with Megan we told stories and sang songs."

"I think he would like that too. But we will need to do it before it gets too dark or he might get scared," Mark agreed.

"We have some good suggestions. Let's move on," Brother Cole said.

It was Rebekah's turn. "I don't care what we do as long as I don't have to sleep on the ground." Apparently, no one was surprised by this response. I added it to the list.

It was Christian's turn and he began slowly. "Mark and I have been talking... I want to go on a backpacking trip with him."

"That's my suggestion too," added Mark.

We had gone through everyone so I closed up my notebook preparing to finish the meeting. As I looked up, everyone was staring at me. What was I supposed to do? Did they want me to give them an itinerary now? The dinner in my stomach was starting to churn with nerves.

"What about you, Megan? What would you like to do?"

Oh, they were giving me a chance to pick something. Immediately, I relaxed. "I'm fine. I think the whole trip sounds wonderful. I want one of those peaches, too. My mouth is watering just thinking about it."

Brother Cole closed the meeting. Everyone scattered and I opened my book again to look through the list, not sure where to begin. I didn't want to be unprepared the next time.

Sister Cole called as she left, "We can talk about the details tomorrow, Megan. Have a good night."

The family dispersed and I stood to follow, not quite sure where to go. Mark stopped Christian by the stairs. "So, where are you going on your date tomorrow?"

"I have no idea, I want it to be really great," Christian almost whined.

"What's her name and what does she like to do?" I asked, jumping into my planning mode and the conversation.

"Her name is Allison. She's on the volleyball team and I think she reads a lot. I guess I could take her to a game or a movie or something."

"Do you really like her?" Mark asked. Christian nodded. "Then don't be so boring. Anyone can take her to a movie, besides at the movies you don't get to talk."

"But then where can I take her?"

"You should really ask Megan, she is so good at this stuff." Mark turned it over to me.

Christian looked at me expectantly. Thanks, Mark. "Well, I can tell you about some of my favorite things if that would help. Let's see, picnics are always good, and then there is hiking or bike rides. I tried paintball tag last year and it is awesome. That could be a really fun date. There's kite flying, roller skating... lots of things, take your pick."

"There's a place to do paintball in the next town."

"Do you think Allison would like paintball?" Mark asked.

"Sure, she's cool." Christian nodded.

Mark and I looked at each other. He rolled his eyes slightly and I offered some advice to Christian. "Now if you are choosing paintball you have to call her tonight and tell her to dress for it."

"What should we wear?"

"You need grubby clothes, ones you can crawl around in the dirt with and get paint on. They should be comfortable too."

Christian turned his head between Mark and me. "We should double."

Mark shifted uneasily. "Megan doesn't date."

Christian looked confused by this statement, but quickly turned to me and pleaded. "Come on. It will be more fun with you guys there and I want her to have fun."

I looked back at Mark who was standing there with one eyebrow cocked at me. "Sure, why not. I like paintball and it isn't as if it would really be a date. We're just helping Christian."

Mark's mouth twitched a little at the corners and then he turned to Christian, "Okay, it looks like we're in. What time is the date?"

"I told her about four. She wanted to get home early enough to prepare a talk for church. Thanks guys!" Christian hugged me then headed downstairs with the phone in his hand.

"Seems we are going out." Mark winked at me. I rolled my eyes. "Do you have the proper clothing Miss," he said.

"I think I can manage. You?"

"I have plenty of old scrubs that need retiring."

"You should wear the bright blue ones, they bring out your eyes," I teased and his eyebrow rose again; his eyes were brown. "Okay, it would just make you an easier target."

"Hey, we're going to be on the same team, remember?"

"Oh, I was hoping for boys vs. girls." I puckered out my lip and hung my head. He grabbed me in a bear hug reminiscent of the ones I saw Brother Cole give him. I giggled.

* * *

My meeting with Sister Cole, the next morning, was intense. Getting a large family moving was a big undertaking; no wonder my mom was always late everywhere. We talked briefly about food, but decided to have a special meeting just for planning the menu because Christian was allergic to wheat and Brother Cole was diabetic. There was some basic camping gear they needed to purchase, so we made a list. The biggest things on the list were the tents that we needed. After some discussion, we realized that we couldn't provide Micah with the things he needed in a tent. Sister Cole thought she could borrow her parents' RV and left to call them. They had retired to Nevada and a stop at their house was already on the list. If we could use the RV, Rebekah's desire not to sleep on the ground would be all taken care of, as well.

I left the meeting with a list of things to do. I needed to research zoos in the area, and to look for campgrounds that could accommodate both tents and an RV. There was also the backpacking trip to organize. Sister Cole had decided to see if she could find an old ward member who owned an orchard. Maybe Anna would get to pick her peach right off the tree, just like her mom had.

* * *

That afternoon we were decked out in our grubby clothes and heading for the paintball field. Mark and I were squished into the back seat of Christian's car. No one was talking. "So have you ever played paintball before?" I asked, hoping to start the conversation.

Allison gave a timid, "No, but I have always wanted to try. It looks fun." She looked beseechingly at Christian who stared at the road. I wondered if we were cramping his style. In the day that I had known him, he hadn't seemed shy, but I really didn't know him all that well. I looked over at Mark with the same beseeching look. I didn't want to embarrass Christian with one of my jokes.

"Christian says you're on the volleyball team. How did you guys do this year?" Mark jumped in, trying to start the conversation.

"Okay, I guess. We didn't quite have the power this year that we had last year," Allison's voice trailed off as she turned to look out her side window. She was obviously nervous too. Remembering that feeling, I smiled. This at least was one aspect of dating I was not going to miss.

Mark pressed on. "He also says you like to read. What have you been reading lately?"

"Mostly books for school," It looked like we had come to another dead end but then she continued, "I just started this really great book, though..." The rest of the ride was filled with a detailed account of the mystery that Allison was reading. Finally, coming out of her shell, she talked animatedly and even turned in her seat so that she could see all of us a bit better. Christian remained quiet, but at least he acted interested. Mark was attentive with questions and comments that made Allison light up.

When we arrived, I unbent myself from the back seat, feeling relieved, and then turned to find Mark attempting the same feat. I realized that he was at least eight inches taller than me, most of which was leg and that the back was a lot more cramped for him. It reminded me of when we first met. Thinking I could help him out, I yanked hard on his arms and we both fell to the ground laughing. Christian stared at us in horror; I guessed that we were being embarrassing. "Well at least we broke our clothes in," I said, standing up and brushing off.

After we were instructed in the rules and how to use our equipment, we were turned loose to play a game of capture the flag. I was helping Allison with her safety gear when Christian spoke up, "I call Megan!"

Mark and I stared at each other dumbfounded. This was not a scenario we had pictured. Mark thinking quickly said, "Okay, then I get Allison. Come on Allison let's take the far field."

Thankfully, Mark handled it so smoothly it seemed planned. Walking past Christian, he shook his head. "Nice, Christian," I said, when they were out of earshot.

"What?" he asked, bewildered.

"You should have teamed with Allison; you know... your date."

"But you've played this before; I have a better chance with you."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "Christian sometimes it's not about winning. Let's get going." I turned and headed to the fort at the south end of the field where our flag would be placed.

"You stay here and guard. I'll go after their flag," Christian said, grabbing his gun and heading up the field.

"Christian, wait. A direct assault is going to get you shot. Come here and let's plan."

I grabbed a stick and drew the field with the two towers and the woods that lay on either side. The woods were only about 50 feet wide but it was enough for cover. "Now they're going to be going through the woods too, so you have to try not to get caught. If you go down the open field, they can get you from the cover of the trees. So it's a fifty-fifty shot on which woods we choose. The smart thing to do is put your flag at the highest point so that the enemy has to expose themselves to grab it. I can guard from the cover of the trees over here," I said, pointing to the west side of the field. "You should take the east so that you can get them it they come from that side. Let me get into position, then you start. And keep your head down."

Christian nodded and then ran off before I had even made it to the trees. He definitely had a mind of his own. I searched until I found a fallen log. Laying down behind it, I rested my gun on the log and waited. This was the part that I loved. Although I preferred to be on the offensive, the anticipation of an intruder made this post a rush. As I tried to heighten all my senses, sounds can to me. There was a rustling in the brush that I was pretty sure was coming from the east woods. I hoped that Christian was on his guard. I was starting to feel a little jumpy as the minutes passed. I tried to stay still and alert. Surely, they would be closing in soon. In the distance, I heard a loud, "Oh, man! I'm out." It was Christian.

Now I had no team member to retrieve the flag. I thought for a minute trying to decide what to do. If I waited until they made a play for the flag, I could pick at least one of them off and have a better chance at an offensive. If I moved toward their flag I might be fast enough to get their before they got ours, but I didn't know what kind of head start they had already. Fun won out over reason. In the end, going for the flag seemed like more fun.

Jumping up and walking in a crouched position, I moved from tree to tree listening all the while for movement from my opponents. I heard a step once so I quickly ducked behind a tree, staying low. I stayed crouched for a minute or so listening, but I didn't hear anything else, so I continued. About half way through the woods, I looked back quickly towards our fort hoping that our flag was still waving. Pleased that I could still see it, I started again toward my target. A moment later, I was shot in the back.

How had they gotten behind me? I looked around and saw Mark standing out from behind his tree and blowing across the top of his gun barrel as if he was Clint Eastwood. "I'm hit. Game over," I called out.

"Not quite, I still need to get your flag."

"I can't believe it, all those years playing capture the flag with my brothers and you actually snuck up on me."

"It's all about being patient." He smiled, "I've been waiting here since the beginning."

"So, you're guarding the flag? Then who shot Christian?"

"Commander Allison," he grinned and then we both chuckled. I may have lost at capture the flag, but my total for the week was going to be big thanks to this guy.

There was a cry of victory. We looked to see Allison walking casually through the open field carrying our flag back to her fort.

"Now it's game over." Mark winked.

The game had gone so quickly that we decided to play again. Mark suggested, before any more social mistakes could be made, "We should change teams, you guys need some lessons in strategy. Allison and I can help you there."

Christian jumped up from the ground where he had been sitting. "Okay, I get Allison. That was some shot," he said, rubbing his shoulder where a splatter of pink paint still remained. They walked to the south end fort and the game began again.

This time the game took a lot longer, everyone was feeling very cautious and movement was slow. At least, I assumed it was caution, but it could have been conversation. Just for fun, Mark and I had decided to take the west woods together leaving our flag unguarded. I shot a tree once in his defense, but we never did see the other team.

They must have been just bit faster than we were, because our flag was gone by the time we reached theirs. We hurried down the fort ladder and ran for our home base through the open field. It was risky, but we were having a great time. Half way across the field, we were picked off by a sniper in the east woods. We flopped on the ground panting from our exertions, and laughing while Allison once again gained a victory.

On the way home, we stopped to eat. Allison and Christian were talking energetically as they sat down at a small table outside. I walked over to the edge of the parking lot looking out towards the mountains. Mark followed. "It is pretty here," I said and Mark nodded agreement, looking out over the same view. "Allison is lucky she had such a nice date like you."

"Yeah, I'm just so awesome I can take two girls on one date." I gently slapped his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around me and squeezed.

"You did good. They look like they are getting along great now."

"Well, he is my brother," Mark said, blowing on his knuckles and brushing them on his coat. I giggled. He sobered, shaking his head, "And the kid was just so clueless." I nodded emphatically at that.

* * *

Work started for both of us on Monday. I was teaching after-school groups of the cutest little Level 2 kids. They were so excited to be learning that they could actually swim. My mornings were free, so I spent them researching for the trip and helping Sister Cole around the house.

One day, I was helping Sister Cole fold some laundry when she said, "Megan, can I ask you something?"

"Sure," I said.

"Forgive me, but Mark said you were having some problems. I just wondered if you are feeling better."

Oh, no! What had he told her? Then, I looked up into her caring eyes and I figured she would know how I felt. Maybe I could talk to her. "How much did he tell you?"

"Enough," she said smiling. "He was concerned about you and thought I might know what to do."

"Sounds like Mark. He is always trying to make things better."

"Yes, he is a bit of a busy body."

Laughing at the unflattering description that I had used myself, I realized it didn't fit. Mark always acted because he cared and that just wasn't the same thing as being a busy body.

"My sister in law is having a baby," I said, feeling a little guilty because it still hurt.

"Yep, I've been through that one. It does get better. I don't even think about it anymore. A household of kids keeping you busy takes your mind off things. Still before Ruth..." She looked into the distance for a moment, remembering. "I was occasionally sad because I thought I would never feel a baby move inside me or vomit up my breakfast like everyone else having kids around me."

"What did you do?"

"Well, sometimes I just cried and sometimes I got mad, but always I just kept doing what I needed to. Of course, now I have had that experience. But each one of our kids was an experience all their own. When we brought Mark home from the hospital, I had no idea what I was doing. You would think that by the time we had Ruth it would be all figured out, but each child has brought their own challenges."

"Can I ask a personal question?"

"Of course, ask me anything." Her response was genuine and I felt like I was talking to a dear sister.

"My parents are always talking about how great it will be when we are all grown up and they are alone again. I mean, they love us, but they want..." I trailed off not knowing how to finish. Sister Cole smiled knowingly at me and nodded her head. "I was just wondering why you adopted a child that can never live on his own. Sorry, I love Micah, he is so sweet, but what made you make that choice when you didn't have to?"

"When we decided to adopt, John and I knew that our family would be eternal. We prayed for help to find the children that were supposed to be part of our family and then we listened for the answers. Sometimes the answers were hard. We've turned down several adoption opportunities over the years because it didn't feel right. There are so many children out there that need love. I wished I could bring them all home. But when we did find the child that was ours, we knew it and we just accepted the challenges. We have always made the other kids part of the process so that they would know that their new brother or sister was theirs to keep and that Heavenly Father had sent them."

"You and Brother Cole must have a lot of faith."

"Sometimes, we stumble just like everyone else. Some days, I wish I could run away."

I laughed. "My mom says the same thing." I made a mental note to find some alone time for Sister Cole on the trip.

"Did you know before you got married that you were going to have problems having kids?"

"No. We discovered it after a couple of years of trying. Those were hard years and then when we found out, I felt guilty. I couldn't help feeling as if it was all my fault. Father's Days were worse than Mother's Days because I felt like I was the reason John would never be a father."

I nodded my head in agreement. I knew exactly how she felt. She continued, "So here you sit with the knowledge and guilt. Is that why you don't date or is it still Andy?"

"No, it's not Andy. I don't think I ever loved him. I can't date because I can't fall in love and get married like anyone else. No one deserves to be stuck with me and my problems." It still hurt to say it, but talking to Sister Cole, well, at least she understood.

"That is a tough one. If I had known before I was married, I may have felt the same way. It took me several years before I realized that Heavenly Father didn't think I was damaged, and neither did John. I was the only one that needed convincing. John just kept telling me to have hope and he was right. Hope has never let me down. Maybe you shouldn't give up on life just yet." She smiled at me, scooped up a stack of clothes and went to deliver it to the girls' room.
Chapter 16

Sister Cole had given me some things to think about. I rode my bike to work that afternoon without the normal mp3 distraction, so that I could think about hope. It was the last day of class for this group. As I gave them their final swim test and filled out their certificates, I pondered. Many of the kids gave me hugs as they left and thanked me. It was always rewarding to help them learn something that I enjoyed so much.

Looking at the Idaho countryside on the way home, I could see beauties everywhere. There was certainly a lot of evidence for hope if I looked hard enough for it, but my hurts were still there, even if I was feeling them less lately.

I pulled on my sweats for sleeping and grabbed my scriptures, quietly exiting the teenage domain of Rebekah. She was in a heated debate with her friend Katie about a 'he said she said' thing that had happened at school. The sitting room with the fireplace was surprisingly quiet given the house's usual liveliness. I sat on the end of the couch nearest the lamp, tucked my legs underneath myself, and opened my D&C.

I hadn't quite gotten out of the habit of chronological study. It just made so much more sense to me when I could place things in their context, but I had just recently studied the D&C in class so I felt a little more aware and able to pick and choose. For some reason, I opened to Section 121.

My habit of daily scripture reading was only three years old and some nights it still turned into the obligatory chapter. During my darker months this winter, I had stopped reading all together. I was still trying to reestablish the habit.

The front door opened as I finished my prayer. It must be Mark coming home from work. He had begun a full time schedule of shifts at the nursing home in the neighboring town, the first week we were back. Perking up, I realized that I had missed him so much this last week.

He must have found the house unusually quiet as well because he began a room by room search. Passing through the kitchen, he spotted me and came over. I smiled up at him. Seeing my scriptures and being unwilling to break the odd quiet, he whispered, "Where is everyone?"

"Rebekah is in her room on the phone." He rolled his eyes at that news. "And I think everyone else is down in the family room watching a movie," I said, pointing through the floor to the basement. He nodded his head quietly and backed out of the room.

I guessed he was going down to join them. I wanted to follow him, but my reading times had been so erratic lately with all the family hustle and bustle. I really needed to discipline myself. Still, with Mark home, it was harder. I liked his company. I tried not to make deals with myself about speeding up so that I could join them–that would just reward my hurried study. Looking back down at my scriptures, I began to read.

Heavy breathing stole my attention. It was Mark, changed out of his scrubs and carrying his scriptures. He was all breathless, apparently from his speedy change. His smile was brilliant as I looked at him, puzzled. "Can I join you? Where are you reading?" He was walking forward now not waiting for a response. He climbed into the chair positioned under the same lamp with a sigh.

"Tough day?" I could see now that he looked very tired.

"Tough, but good." He answered then removed his triple from its case still closely looking at my scriptures for where to turn.

I woke up mentally at that point and gave him the reference. "I am in D&C 121, you know, Liberty Jail." He quickly turned to the chapter and I could see that he was still using his mission scriptures because the markings were extensive. My own scriptures were only occasionally marked, except for my Book of Mormon that I had marked for a religion class.

He looked up at me. "How do you want to do this?" I motioned for him to read and he began. He read until the end of verse 10 and I spoke up.

"Poor Joseph," I said. This frequently quoted verse always made me feel bad for him. "The last thing I would want to be told in my pain and suffering was that I should just deal, because someone else had it much worse. There is always someone who has it worse, but that doesn't change that you are still hurting."

Mark looked at me, carefully listening to what I was saying. He more intently leaned over his scriptures and said with enthusiasm, "But Megan, you have missed verse 7." I quickly reread the verse and looked puzzled up at him. He read it out loud and then commented. "See it says 'My son, peace be unto thy soul'."

Hearing the word peace spoken with the emphasis that Mark placed upon it, I finally understood. In all my years of hearing this scripture, I had given it the most mundane meaning. I had assumed it was Heavenly Father's way of calming down Joseph so that he could talk; the same way a parent might say 'listen'. But my understanding changed with that one word. When the Lord offers peace it is very real and Joseph must have received some instant comfort from the Holy Ghost. Tears filled my eyes as I saw God's love and power in that simple line. I tried not to look up into Mark's waiting face. "Oh, I get it," I softly said.

We continued to read on, but I still felt awed by this personal revelation. I was having my own moment of peace and the feelings of God's love were almost overwhelming.

My reflective moments came to a stop as we heard the family noisily ascending the stairs. The movie must be over. We hastily finished the last couple of verses and he put his scriptures away. Before I closed mine, I took my red pencil and highlighted verse 7. The family walked into the kitchen just as I was zipping up my case. "There you two are," came the booming voice of Brother Cole. "Want to join us for root beer floats?"

Broad smiles spread across our faces and we nodded our heads. I said, "That sounds great! They're my favorite." Reaching in to turn off the lamp, my hand met Mark's under the shade. He apparently had the same impulse. He moved his hand aside to allow me to turn the switch and gently ran his finger over the back of my hand. My heart jumped and I felt heat rising in my face. We looked at each other for a moment before the voice of Sister Cole interrupted.

"Mark, could you help me with Micah?" He jumped up to get his brother and I was relieved to be able to breathe normally again.

* * *

The loud, friendly, familiar sounds of family surrounded the big wooden table in the dining area. Rebekah had emerged from her room without the phone attached to her ear and the family was complete. I stared around at the faces that had become so dear to me. Each was very different in its appearance, yet they all seemed like they belonged. When I looked at the Coles, I saw family.

Mark was trying to include Micah in the fun even though he couldn't partake of the floats. A look on the boy's face as his eyes darted back and forth following the boisterous sounds of the joking conversation. I knew he was seeing what I saw. A warm feeling started to fill me. The peaceful feelings returned and I had to excuse myself for a moment. I went into Rebekah's room and knelt to thank Heavenly Father for the Coles and for the peace of the Spirit.

When I returned, Brother Cole had just flung his root beer foam at the unsuspecting Christian. It was clear, war was about to break out when Sister Cole piped up with a timely, "Bedtime." The sounds of disappointment rang through the room, as a smile curled on her lips. Brother Cole led the family prayer and then Sister Cole put her arms around Anna and Ruth. "Come on girls, you have school tomorrow."

They walked off toward the hall. Mark began the process of getting Micah to his room. Since he had been home, Mark had resumed his routine of singing to Micah every night before bed. Sometimes if things had quieted down enough, I could hear the simple Primary melodies and hymns carrying through the house. Sometimes I even stood outside the door to listen.

Caleb finished in the bathroom and I went in to brush my teeth. On my way out, I ran into Mark who was placing the bulky wheelchair in the entryway where it would stay for the night. He touched me lightly on the arm as he headed back to the boys room. Pausing, he said, "Don't go to bed yet."

He looked so serious, but as he walked through the door, he was all smiles and jokes. I lingered in the hall a few moments to hear him sing. He started with 'Love is spoken here.' I quietly sang the second verse, my favorite, with him. I hoped no one heard. Then, I drifted back to the dining area to start cleaning up. Christian and Brother Cole had already made a big dent in the mess.

I walked into the kitchen with a glass in each hand, just in time to catch a splash of water coming from the sink's spray nozzle aimed at Brother Cole. Christian straightened up quickly and apologized, looking rather guilty.

Normally as a guest in someone's home, I would never dream of retaliating, but ... the Coles were beginning to feel like family. I calmly walked over and placed the glasses in the sink. Christian moved out of my way still acting a bit sheepish. Brother Cole had gone quiet and was busy wiping down the counter, he seemed to feel a bit guilty too. This would be my chance to catch them off guard.

In one motion, I grabbed the spray nozzle, spun around, and squirted Christian before he could react. Brother Cole burst out with a laugh and Christian grabbed my arm trying to aim the spray at me. We were laughing and spraying water everywhere.

When Mark walked in, Christian was behind me with his arms around me trying to grab the hose. I was trying my best to keep it from him, but the boy was strong. I had at least stopped the water flow so that the mess wouldn't get any worse. Mark raised an eyebrow in my direction and it was my turn to look sheepish. Sister Cole walked in behind Mark and went out again. She was probably upset by the mess. I should have followed my manners lessons after all.

"No, Christian. You are doing it all wrong," Mark said, rushing toward the nozzle. Before I figured out what was happening, I was beaten. There was no hope when they combined against me. It reminded me of the twins; that was one of their favorite tactics. Sister Cole returned with towels and a smirk on her face. Thankfully, she didn't seem upset. We each got a towel and started to clean up our mess. Brother Cole was rescued from the scene by Sister Cole grabbing his hand. She stretched up to kiss his cheek and led him from the room.

Down on our hands and knees mopping up the water, I looked up from my task to find Mark looking at me. I stuck my tongue out at him and he grinned. Christian kept trying to swat me and Mark with his wet towel. Mark gave him an authoritative glare and Christian stopped.

When the mess was mopped up, Mark sent Christian packing with a promise that he would play a game of one on one with him Saturday morning. "I thought we could take a walk?" He said it in a tone of asking permission. Looking down at my soaked clothes, I debated, but it was a nice night and I really wanted to go.

"Sure, I can't think of a better way to dry off." With that, he grabbed my hand, pulled me up from the floor, and we went to the entry to put on our shoes. Mine were at the bottom of the pile. Were there really that many feet in this house?

"Back later," he called to his parents who were snuggling on the living room couch. He guided me out the front door with his hand on the small of my back. I felt a burst of joy to feel it there and I tried to check myself. This was one thing that hadn't gotten easier since I had come to the Coles. Now more than ever I craved Mark's company.

The sun was starting to set and the rural street wasn't really well lit. I began to wonder if this was such a good idea. Mark closed the door and came up behind me. He slipped his hand into mine. I liked it so much, I gave up fighting it for the moment. Looking up into his face, I saw a question, 'Is this okay?' I gave him a genuine smile and hoped I knew what I was doing.

We walked for a while in silence. Then he sighed. "So work was tough? What happened? Want to talk about it?" I asked, curious about his mood and to find out what had made him decide to be so affectionate. Work seemed like a good place to start.

"One of the men I take care of is dying." My shoulders hunched as he spoke. "He has been sick for a long time. His family has started coming from all over to say their last goodbyes. I guess talking to him and his family has just made me a little melancholy. It is just so sad, the wasted time. Do you know that some of them haven't seen him for ten years?"

"I'm so sorry. Is there anything I can do?" I was anxious to help him as he had always helped me.

"It just made me think. I'm great now." He squeezed my hand. "Scripture study with you was just what I needed."

"I needed it too. You helped me understand better."

He opened his mouth to say something then closed it again, changing his mind. The mood was so serious and I was in danger of snuggling into his arm, so to lighten it, I poked him in the ribs and blurted out, "What?"

He took the bait and I started to run away to escape his reaching hands. His long legs caught me, a little faster than I expected, and he pulled me close to him in a hug. I was out of breath and confused. Nothing had ever felt so wonderful, and yet my old problems were still there.

"You really shouldn't run down a country road in the dark," he said, in a mock seriousness and then his voice changed. "And you should never run away from me."

I shook my head, sad that this wonderful moment had to end so soon. "It sounds wonderful, but it won't work. I couldn't ask you to give up...." I trailed off, fighting back tears, defeated. I tried to pull myself away from him, my head down. I'd been fooling myself; this wasn't getting any easier. It was always going to hurt.

He held me tightly in his grasp. "What's this? I thought you were finally understanding." With his hand, he lifted my chin so that he could look into my eyes, but I couldn't meet his gaze. There was so much I wanted, and sadly, so much that I couldn't have.

He continued, "Okay, that's it." He dragged me off the road and sat me down under a nearby tree. Sitting himself beside me, he huffed. "Andy is my friend, but frankly he is an idiot." My eyes went wide. What was he saying?

"I don't understand." I had never heard Mark say a bad word about anyone, especially his best friend.

He reached across and grabbed my hands. "I have wanted to say that for a long time," he said with a sigh. "You are so great, anyone who would let you go is... well, an idiot."

"But Andy was right. It isn't fair to ask anyone to give up children for me."

"Megan, did my parents give anything up?" he asked me in a frustrated tone.

"Your family is wonderful. I love being here with them, but that doesn't change the fact that..." I started to protest. He reached up and stopped my lips with his fingers.

"My parents have built a family differently than most, but that doesn't make it any less precious. I tend to think that is makes it more precious. Where would I, or any of my brothers and sisters, be without them? They have given us a family for eternity. I could pick this life in a heartbeat. Could you?"

Swallowing hard, I tried to think about how I really felt. Something had been changing in me for some time. Something had been...healing. I knew that healing had come from the Lord and his answers. He answered me through Christy, Mr. Wallace, my dad and this wonderful family. Was Mark really offering me acceptance? Did I dare let go of the walls that had been building this year and let myself be loved? I cried while Mark stroked the back of my hand and waited for me to get it all out.

"I love you, Megan," he said in an almost whisper. "It has been painful to watch your light go out. But I am sure that I see it lit again and getting brighter. Please let me be there to watch you glow again."

My crying redoubled, but I was smiling through my tears. He drew me in close to him and I cried on his shoulder, leaving a huge wet spot on his shirt. Pulling my face away with an apologetic look I said, "Sorry about your shirt."

"Yeah, I know you were just trying to get back at me for the water fight in the kitchen," he said with a grin.

He was good at making me laugh and I wiped the tears off my face. He reached out and grabbed my chin in his hand again. This time he pulled my face closer to his and gently his lips touched mine. My shoulder relaxed and I nearly melted into a gooey puddle on the ground.

"Thank you," I said, hoping that he would hear all the meaning behind those simple words. My soul sighed in contentment, as I shook off the terror of being lonely that had haunted me. Maybe it didn't have to be that way.

We walked home hand in hand and I worked hard at wiping my swollen eyes clear. Hopefully Mark's parents wouldn't still be in the living room when we entered. The porch light was welcoming us home. I was sure that once we were in the bright light again, I would look a mess and he would look as wet as I still was from the kitchen battle.

He stopped me just before we reached the halo of light that emanated from the porch. Facing me, he reached up and brushed my hair where it had fallen on my face. Then he leaned in and kissed me just as gently as before. This time I wasn't surprised and I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him back. "You snuck up on me again," I whispered.

He smiled, "It's all about timing and patience."

When we walked in it wasn't late, but the living room was empty. Sister Cole still had one more day of seminary. Reluctantly we said goodnight. Things may be new and different, but tomorrow we still had to go to work.

Trying to be quiet, I climbed into my sleeping bag on the floor. "You really like Mark, don't you?" Rebekah wasn't asleep yet.

I laid there all tucked in and wondered how to respond. I brushed my lips with my fingers, smiling. "I like him very much."

"Good!" Rebekah said with a yawn.

It was a while before I fell asleep. My mind wouldn't settle down. I was busy thinking about healing, peace, acceptance, love, and Mark.
Chapter 17

I spent all day Friday trying to shake the warm fuzzies from my head. It wasn't because they weren't pleasant, but because a distracted swim instructor is not a good thing. At least it was a free swim day for the kids, so I didn't need to give any instructions. I made it through work without any disasters and I rode my bike back to the Coles.

I was free now to dream about my knight. At first, I thought that this all started yesterday or maybe even a week ago. But the more I thought of Mark, the more my heart warmed with memories and the more the feelings of peace returned. My suspicions also increased as I reviewed those memories. Had he been trying to tell me for a long time how he felt?

I was practically floating through the house at dinner; good thing that Mark was at work, because I wasn't brave enough to face the reality of my feelings just yet. This way I got to enjoy just the idea of being wanted; and not only wanted, but wanted by someone so amazing, someone I wanted, too.

Mark's family was polite, but they all looked at me as if I was crazy when they saw what must have been a delirious look on my face and the way I was moving in a fog. It didn't help that they had to repeat everything to me. I tried a little harder after dinner to be part of the conversation, but the Coles had stopped trying to talk to me.

Taking the trash out gave me a chance to be alone and compose myself before Mark made it home. While I was outside, I climbed a nearby apple tree and curled up in the limbs. In the quiet of that moment, it was nice to sit and considered my blessings. How had I gotten here? My life felt like a paint by numbers that I had thought was a jumbled mess until Heavenly Father put the last few colors in to reveal a beautiful picture. Surely, I hadn't been moving towards this point since I was 16. But in this moment, everything fit together so perfectly that I wasn't sure.

I prayed again with so much gratitude in my heart. For the first time in a long time, I knew that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and guiding me with his hand. Then remorse came for the dark thoughts that had driven my depression this winter. Dark was right, I had pushed the light right out of my life. I pleaded for the forgiving power of my Savior. As I did, I was completely filled up with light. I thanked Heavenly Father for the gift of forgiveness and sat in the tree appreciating the warmth of that light.

Mark's truck pulled into the drive. I stayed where I was, like a coward, and let him go inside. He came out a few minutes later and stood on the porch looking around. Realizing that he was looking for me, I felt embarrassed. My cowardly state became more pronounced as I hid among the foliage. When he went back inside, I took a deep breath, climbed out of the tree and sneaked around to the back of the house. He saw me as he came to the sliding glass door heading out to look for me. "Hi, you're home," I said brightly, but feeling devious.

"Yeah, are you okay? I was looking for you. They said you've been gone for a while."

"I'm fine," I said and because I hated to lie, "I was in the apple tree enjoying some quiet time."

"Oh, I didn't see you."

"I know," I said lowering my eyes, "I was hiding."

"Hiding? From me?" I watched his eyes turn sad.

Wanting to make it better, I explained, "Not exactly, I just wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet. I've been working some things out." He seemed to understand and his face relaxed. "Scriptures?" I asked, hoping that he would know that time with him was important.

"Scriptures," he agreed. "Just let me get changed."

* * *

The next day was Saturday and it was not the happiest day in the Cole house. The long week had left the younger kids cranky. Ruth had cried and carried on when Sister Cole had taken Anna shopping instead of her. Brother Cole had taken the boys out into the garage for some woodworking. Christian grumbled as they went.

Mark spent the morning trying to cheer Micah up, but he just whimpered and cried. Sitting next to them, I offered assistance where I could. Mark took Micah to his room for a few minutes to change him and make sure he wasn't in physical discomfort. When they returned, I joined Mark in singing to Micah. Then I read him a story. He really liked the pictures in If You Give a Mouse a Cookie. Ruth seemed to like that one too. She moved into the room from where she was hiding in the kitchen. I welcomed her over by holding out my arm and she snuggled in on my lap. Mark went into the kitchen to prepare a formula feeding for Micah while I read Ruth another story. Nervously, I watched Mark expose the feeding tube and wait for the formula to drain. It wasn't as bad as I expected and Mark was so gentle whenever he cared for Micah.

The feeding hadn't calmed Micah as we'd hoped, so we went back to singing. Mark showed me how to rub some of the tension out of Micah's arms and I helped as we sang. After three or four songs, I looked up to see Christian in the sliding glass doorway. He was covered in sawdust and looking expectantly at Mark. "Ready," he asked, hopefully.

"I'm sorry, Christian. I can't right now," he said, looking from Christian to Micah as if to indicate what was holding him up.

"What's the matter Micah?" Christian said, coming in the door and heading for his little brother. "Having a bad day?" It moved me that even this self-absorbed teen could be so loving to his brother.

"You don't have to postpone your game," I said, feeling brave. "Ruth and I will keep Micah entertained. Won't we, Micah?"

Mark studied me. "Are you sure?"

I gave him a gentle shove. "You promised," I reminded him. He and Christian jumped up and were out the door in a flash. I could hear them starting to tease each other as they headed for the court.

Ruth produced a large pile of picture books and we began to read. Occasionally, I could hear the happy sounds of the brotherly competition on the court. After the fourth book, I looked over to find that Micah had fallen asleep. I moved Ruth from my lap and she ran off to play. I called out the back door, "Mark, Micah fell asleep, should we move him to his bed?"

"I've got it," he waved. "We're done here." He tossed the ball at Christian and started toward the house.

"Next time you're going down!" Christian taunted.

Before going to Micah, Mark walked straight to me, kissed me firmly, backed away, and smiled. His smiles made me feel dizzy and very happy. I needed to find some way to score them differently in my totals.

He pushed Micah's chair through the kitchen towards the hall. I followed him, stopping in the kitchen briefly for a glass of water. All that reading had made me thirsty. Mark was backing out of the boys' room and closing the door before I had even reached the hall. He walked up to me and grabbed my hand as we turned to go and enjoy the beautiful morning outside.

"You're wonderful," he whispered, kissing my cheek. I blushed under his touch and praise. "It makes me feel so happy to see the way you care about Micah; about all of my brothers and sisters."

"Why wouldn't I?" Spying a basketball, I scooped it up and ran towards the court. I hollered over my shoulder, "How about a game?" His response was a swift sprint to the court after me.

"Okay, first person to ten wins," I explained.

"What do they win?" he inquired, looking very interested.

"If I win I get another kiss and if you win I will tell you a secret."

"Tough choice," he complained.

"Then I guess you had better play your best and just see what happens."

To say that we were evenly matched would be a gross overstatement, but I did manage to hold my own for the first few shots. I suspected that he was just being careful not to foul me, but I used the advantage willingly. He started to see that I was getting too far ahead and I didn't touch the ball for a few baskets while he caught up. I decided to play a little ruthlessly hoping to keep the game even. "Fouls don't count!" I called, as I traveled shamelessly. He caught on quickly grabbing me around the waist and turning me just as I got my shot off. Unfortunately, the ball didn't go in and the score stood at six all.

It was Mark's turn with the ball, and I made sure that the fouls kept coming. I yanked at his arms and pulled at the ball with enough force that I pulled it away. Another basket for me, and the score stood at eight to six. Mark was faster this time and charged the basket before I could get in the way; a simple lay-up and the score stood at eight all. It was my turn with the ball and I lost it quickly now that Mark knew how dirty I played. He was just going up for a basket when I got in front of him to block.

I suddenly saw a way that we could both win. Just as he raised his arms for a basket I jumped up, kissed his nose and smiling said, "I love you, Mark." He dropped the ball and stared at me trying to decide if I was serious or not. Taking the advantage my timely secret had just given me, I scooped the ball up, turned and shot. "I win, where is my kiss?" I said, almost laughing.

Mark was tongue tied and stunned. Still staring, he searched my face for any kind of denial, but I trust he found none. "Really?" was all he could get out and even that sounded a bit too husky for him.

"Yes, I love you so much." I got my kiss then.

"I feel like celebrating," Mark said as he grabbed my waist and spun me around before pulling me into a bear hug. "Oh, I'm sorry. I promised my parents I would babysit tonight while they chaperone the stake dance. We will have to settle for a rented movie, I guess."

"That's okay. I don't mind as long as we are together." It was getting easier to see myself happy and together with Mark.

"Hey, Mark. Dad wants you." It was Christian calling from the garage.

We walked hand in hand to the garage back door. I couldn't help looking up at him and enjoying the bewildered smile on his face. We entered the woodworking shop. Having never been in there, I was surprised at how extensive it was; large power tools filled one half of the two car garage.

"Oh, good, Mark. I need you to do some gluing for me. Christian just finished the carving." Brother Cole was dressed in some denim coveralls and his head was beaded with sweat. "Hi, Megan," he added when he looked up and saw me.

"What are you guys making?" I looked around curiously at the piles of lumber and the various saws and power tools. I was definitely out of my depths in here. But the smell was incredible. I inhaled deeply; it reminded me of the woods.

"Hope chests," Brother Cole answered, handing the pieces to Mark and showing him where they were to go on the plain wooded box standing on some newspaper.

"Do people still make those?" I asked, surprised.

"Dad does," Mark said, smiling up at his father.

"You can never have too much hope," Brother Cole said. Mark mouthed the words at the same time, as if this were a practiced ritual.

"Wow, those carvings are really amazing," I said, noticing the intricate scroll work that Mark now held in his hands.

"Yeah, Christian has a knack. Mark tried his hand at carving but his results were... well let's just say we found that he is definitely our best gluer." Brother Cole smiled broadly and ducked as a shop rag flew from Marks vicinity towards his head.

"Thanks, Dad."

"Who are the hope chests for?" The guys had been out in the workshop quite a bit in the last couple of weeks, and it looked like there were several in progress.

"This one is Rebekah's," Mark said as he carefully placed the gluey pieces in the chosen spots. "We are almost done with it."

"We figured we may as well get started on Anna's and Ruth's while we're at it," Brother Cole added.

"The carvings on Anna's are taking a really long time. Christian wants them to be just right." It was the first time that I had noticed Caleb sitting on the ground in the corner sanding something.

"Oh, hi Caleb, I didn't see you there."

"Dad's got me doing what he calls the grunt work today," he said with shining eyes.

An idea had been brewing in my head for a few minutes, and I thought that Caleb might be just the person to help me with it. "Are you going to be busy for a while?" I asked Mark.

He sighed, "I think so. There are lots of little pieces here."

"Good." I smiled a little as his face fall. "I mean, I have a couple of errands to run. Brother Cole, can I borrow Caleb?"

"Sure, he's worked hard. An afternoon with a lovely lady would be just right." Brother Cole winked at me and Caleb jumped up dusting sawdust off.

I walked a couple of steps forward and I placed a kiss on Mark's forehead. It earned me a sunny smile from him and a cocked eyebrow from Brother Cole. "You should open up the garage door," I suggested. "That glue smells strong."

Caleb and I exited the workshop. It was time to fill him in on my plan. When we reached the house, Caleb went downstairs to get a few things from Mark's room. I went straight to Rebekah's room to get my purse. Rebekah was in a crabby mood today because she was writing a paper she had put off until the last minute. I tried to get my things quickly and then give her some space. Sister Cole and Anna were not home yet from shopping so the house was quiet as I fumbled around looking for Mark's keys. I found them under the heap of papers on the table. Yelling down to Caleb that I would meet him at the truck, I headed back to the garage. I overheard Mark and his dad talking as I neared the garage. "That's great son, how do you want to handle it?"

There was a pause and then Mark's voice sighed, "I guess I will break in the new tent."

"Okay, I will help you set it up in a little while." Brother Cole was grinning as I entered the garage, carrying my purse and Mark's keys.

Mark's head popped up from his gluing work. "Hi," I said. "Mark could I borrow your truck for a little while?"

"Sure, do you want me to go with you?" There was so much hope in his voice. It felt nice.

"No, you finish up here. We won't be long." Then as an afterthought, I turned to Brother Cole. "Caleb's coming too, okay?"

"Sure, like I said he's earned it. Was Micah up yet?" He asked as he put away some of his tools.

"Not that I could tell. All was quiet."

"Well, I had better head into the house, anyway. I have chores to do before Rachel gets home. You know how she can get when I spend too much time in the workshop," he said to Mark. Dusting himself off, he walked out the now open large garage door.

I waved to Mark and followed through the door to where the truck was parked. Caleb was already there waiting for me. It took me a minute to review in my head where all the gears were and then we backed out for our errands. I reached the end of the driveway and was putting the car into first gear when I looked up and saw Mark in the garage doorway. I waved again and he returned it.

It didn't take long for Caleb and me to find what we were looking for. With few store selections, we settled on a dollar store that turned out to have everything we needed. Caleb pushed the cart as I filled it up with chips, cookies and balloons; even finding some fun flashlights for the little girls to use on the camping trip. I grabbed a few personal items I was running low on; hair scrunchies were at the top of the list – I always managed to lose them somehow. For a moment, I pictured what would happen when I had gone home to Arizona in a couple of weeks. Surely, the Coles would be finding my hair accessories for months.

The thought of leaving made me sad. I would miss the Coles, but mostly I would miss Mark. What would happen to us when we were so far apart? Would it prove just an infatuation? Could I bear to avoid someone else at school out of awkwardness? Shaking the thoughts from my mind, I remembered that I was planning a celebration. A celebration of the way Mark and I felt about each other. I knew it was love.

Caleb looked at me appalled, as I wiped a tear quickly from my cheek. "Did I do something wrong? Oh, man, Mark is going to kill me!"

His honest and hastily spoken words made me laugh. "I'm fine," I assured him. "Let's go buy ourselves a candy bar for all our hard work today." Caleb seemed delighted by the offer and we spent several minutes on that isle picking from all the choices.

On the way home, Caleb told me all about school and his friend Jackson. This friend had just reached the highest level on some console game that I was unfamiliar with, but that Caleb described in detail. I reflected that, if I were home, the twins would probably have filled me in on the details by now too. He became more animated as he got more into his story. Apparently, I had been wrong about Caleb, assuming he was very reserved. He was just a little shy. Now that he knew me a little better, it was clear that getting him to stop talking would be the trick. It was easy to ask him questions as he filled the time driving back.

As we neared the house, I was anxious to see Mark again. I hadn't completely shaken off my earlier sadness and I needed a hug. I pulled into the driveway next to the large passenger van. Sister Cole and Anna were back from shopping. "Let's get inside, they probably need help unloading the groceries. We can meet secretly later to decorate."

Feeling conspiratorial, we left our things in the truck and hurried in. The kitchen was definitely buzzing with bags being unpacked and various cupboards flying open randomly, or at least it seemed that way to me. Mark was not in the middle of this unloading party and that surprised me; he was usually so helpful.

In the few weeks I had been here, I hadn't spent much time digging through the cupboards so I wasn't likely to be much help. Sister Cole however found a task for me. "Oh, good, Megan. Could I ask you to take some things downstairs to the storeroom?"

"Sure," I said with enthusiasm, happy to help.

She gestured toward the pile that was growing in the dining room near the stairs. Grabbing my first load of paper towels and a gallon of vegetable oil, I headed down into the basement. I paused at the bottom of the stairs to fumble for the light. Mark wasn't down here either. He must still be working in the garage. Several trips later, I had most things in the right place. The storeroom was full of shelves, but everything was easy to see. I noticed a clipboard with an inventory list hanging on the wall near the door. Grabbing the pencil that hung off the clip, I filled in the new items. I had taken inventory before at work and this didn't seem too difficult. I double checked the numbers on the items that I had altered just to make sure I had done it right. Then, I replaced the clipboard and went upstairs.

Things had settled down in the kitchen; most everything had been put away. Sister Cole had bread and peanut butter out on the counter. She was grabbing the jelly from the refrigerator. I washed my hands and fetched a couple of table knives. The mass production of sandwiches for our late lunch began and Sister Cole casually asked, "So, what is going on with you and Mark these days?"

Yikes, what do I say? Everything was so new. I gulped, "I'm not sure. I really like him, and I think he really likes me too." I hoped Sister Cole would be okay with this new development.

Sister Cole's mouth bent into a smile, "Yes, I would say that he likes you very much and has for quite a while."

What? Did Mark talk to his parents about me? Of course he did. He tells his family everything. I couldn't manage to say anything but "Oh."

"He has been worried about you, you know?" she continued. "It is hard to watch someone you love in pain. Our whole family has been praying for you for months."

"Thank you," I said almost inaudibly. "I didn't realize so many people cared about me."

"We never do when we are hurting. That is part of Satan's plan. He's very good at making us feel alone."

"I'm beginning to see that. The weird thing is that I thought it was all me, that they were my thoughts."

"When we let discouragement win, Satan wins."

"I'm very lucky to have your family and especially Mark in my life or I might still be in darkness."

"Do you love him?"

She had used the word 'love' – I had been avoiding it thinking that she would think my feelings sudden and not real. But they weren't sudden, I told myself. I had liked Mark from the beginning; I just hadn't seen him that way, not until recently, and then it was impossible with my problems for it to work. But he wanted me anyway, and I was daring to hope. I felt overwhelmed but shook my head 'yes' and asked, "Where is Mark?"

Sister Cole gazed toward the kitchen window that overlooked the backyard. I looked to and saw Mark and his Dad wrestling with a large tent. It seemed to be winning. Seeing my mouth open, part in humor, part in surprise, Sister Cole said, "I can finish up here, why don't you go and see if you can give them a hand." I nodded and made my exit.

Out on the patio, Micah sat facing the fumbling men. Walking up to him, I crouched beside his chair. "They look pretty silly, don't they?" I was biting my lip to control my laugh as Mark poked his head out of a hole in the fabric, looking pleased to see me. In a louder voice I asked, "What are you doing?"

"Airing out the tent," Mark replied then looked pointedly at his father. I remembered then that they had said something about the tent earlier.

"Can I help? Looks like you need some." I let a giggle escape my lips. Brother Cole looked up from some folded instructions, seeming relieved by the offer.

Mark stubbornly pouted, "We've got it. I was a Boy Scout. I can put up a simple tent."

I stepped over anyway and grabbed a pole. "Extra hands will just help it go faster," I soothed. The tent was indeed not a simple one, but eventually it stood on its own. "It was a good idea to practice with this before the trip next week. It should be easier the next time."

Brother Cole took Micah inside for lunch. Mark and I stood admiring our work. He held out his hand to me. I took it and then reached out for the hug I had been wanting. I couldn't help it, I cried a little on his shoulder and he squeezed me tighter waiting for me to speak. "What's wrong?" he asked after a long time.

I just shook my head. I didn't want to tell him that I was afraid to leave, afraid that everything would go away and I would be all alone again. He pushed me out gently and then wiped my tears with his hands. "Like my new place?" he asked with a wry smile, trying to distract me.

The puzzled expression on my face launched him into an explanation, "Mom and Dad think that since we are together now, it would not be appropriate for us to stay in the same house. I have my choice of the tent or the Putnam's down the street. The tent is closer." He grinned at this last statement then added, "I guess I can see their point, you are a beautiful temptation." He brushed the length of my nose with his finger, playfully.

Too horrified to take in the compliment, I blurted out, "I'm sorry. You should get to stay in your own house; you shouldn't be exiled just because of me. I'll take the tent."

"Not just because of you; because of us," he emphasized, interrupting my rant. He laughed, "Besides the boys are in the house now deciding who gets to sleep out here with me on which nights. If you took the tent they would be crushed."

"I'm still sorry, it doesn't seem fair," I sighed, quietly distracted by how nice it had sounded when he said the word 'us'.

He hugged me again. "Don't you see – this is a good thing. This exile, as you put it, is just another reminder that I have you." Kissing my forehead he added, "Do me a favor?"

"Okay," I agreed.

"Smile," he said, touching the corners of my mouth with his index finger. I obliged him. "Thank you, now how shall we spend the rest of the day?"

I shrugged, feeling content to be in his arms, but he let me go and grabbed my hand instead. He headed toward the basketball court so I prepared myself for a rematch as he scooped up the ball. "Do you mind another trip into town? I need to buy the family a new basketball."

I looked at the ball for any visible signs of damage, but found none. "Why?"

Tucking the ball under his arm and steering me toward the house, he replied, "Because I am keeping this one. It has some good memories attached to it now." Again, I felt warm with love and a bit worried by my growing need for that love.
Chapter 18

We were driving down the road I had just taken with Caleb as we ate our sandwiches. "Okay, suppose you tell me now why you were crying earlier."

Embarrassment washed over me. I wasn't sure I wanted him to know what I was feeling or even if it could be put into words. I decided on the simplest explanation. "I'm sorry, I feel like I have been crying a lot lately."

He couldn't help but interrupt, "You've had a lot to think about, don't be so hard on yourself." Then in a teasing tone, he added, "I've got sisters, tears are just a girl thing, right?" I glared at him, but the grin on his face reduced me to a laugh. "I'm sorry, go on," he urged.

"I was just thinking about going home after the camping trip."

"Oh, are you homesick? I didn't realize, I guess you miss your family."

"No!" I almost shouted. "I mean yes...but I was crying because I was thinking about having to leave you." There, I said it and I couldn't take it back. I sat looking at my hands in my lap.

"I've thought of that too," he said. "It will only be for six weeks. I was thinking I might rearrange my work days and come for a visit."

"But what if..." I started to cry. "What if you decide you don't want me anymore?" I felt really stupid now. How did I become one of those girls that was so needy? Had one bad relationship shaken me so much? Or was it that I felt completely unprepared for the strong feelings I was having?

Lost in thought, I didn't even realize that we were parked in front of the store. There were people walking to and from their cars. Great, now I was crying in public. Mark reached across the seat and grabbed my hand, squeezing it tight. He waited until I looked up at him. "I am not going anywhere. I love you, remember. Distance is not going to change that. It's just going to make it a lot harder to do this." He bent and kissed the hand that he was holding. "Trust me. I am not going anywhere, like a pet goldfish. I am not leaving you."

Cheered, I scooted over next to him and he held me while I wiped my face and waited for the red blotches to go away. He stroked my cheek. I was calm once again and thinking now about his visit to Arizona.

I sat up suddenly, "It would be so great if you could visit. There are so many things I want to show you. Oh, and you have to meet my family. Have you ever been to Arizona before? There is this fun ghost town with a working mine not too far from my house, and the Mesa temple, and there is a great dry riverbed I know of that has the coolest rocks, to bad I can't show Ruth that...." I took a much needed breath and Mark laughed at me.

"Your moods could give me whiplash," he said, shaking his head. "But I hope this means you believe me about how much I love you."

I nodded, "Sorry, it takes time, but it is starting to sink in." I kissed his cheek, then scooted back to my side of the truck so that we could go shopping. He went around the truck and opened my door, as he always did. Locking my arm in his, I said, "Let's go shopping, my sweet goldfish." I smiled at my new endearment and he rolled his eyes.

"Okay how about a deal. I'll let you call me Marky if you don't call me that again." The look of playful anxiety on his face was priceless. I leaned into his shoulder and giggled.

One basketball and a red rose later we were sitting in the truck again. I was appreciating the subtle smell of this beautiful gift when he surprised me. "I think that I am going to cancel the backpacking trip with Christian."

"What? Why?" This was confusing; he had campaigned so much for that part of the trip when we were making the plans. It was a chance to do something special with his brother and they had both being looking forward to it.

He hung his head a little and then looked out his side window checking his mirror as he backed up. "Two days is a long time, we only have so much time before you have to go home. I don't want to waste it."

Immediately I saw what he meant and felt the same, but I couldn't let him cancel his plans. "Christian would be so crushed. You need to go, you will have fun and I will be right in camp waiting for you when you get back."

"But," he paused, "I wish you could come."

I sighed. This had been my wish, too, from the beginning. I loved backpacking. I'd had so much fun helping them plan it. I had been on that trail once and it was really beautiful. Now I wished to go mostly to be with him, but we had decided weeks ago that it would not be appropriate without proper chaperones.

"It will be okay, have fun with Christian. You never know when it will be your last chance. My trip with George last year turned out to be our last. That's when he told me he was getting married." I blushed, realizing what my words might imply. I quickly added, "After all Christian will be going on a mission in another year or so."

"True," he said. "Things seem to change quickly the older we get." He pulled into the driveway and said, "I wonder who I am rooming with tonight?"

I was suddenly wishing that I had been there for that argument. "I hope its Caleb. He was a big help today."

"That reminds me. What is this surprise of yours?" he asked, flashing me a hopeful smile.

"If you haven't figured it out, you will just have to wait and see."

"Figured it out? I'm not that with it. As far as I am concerned you are full of surprises."

"Yeah, like crazy crying jags," I said, shaking my head.

"Don't be embarrassed. Feelings just happen sometimes. How do you think I felt realizing that I was falling for the girl my best friend liked? And then when you kissed me... talk about seriously breaking the guy code."

I laughed, "Oh, yes, the infamous guy code. How did you get past that?"

"It got easier when I saw you hurting and he was the cause. Somehow, I felt less friendly toward him."

His confession made me feel guilty. "But he's your best friend. You can't stay mad at him. It wasn't his fault that he wanted something I couldn't give. It is better that he left earlier than later." I thought back to that time. It had hurt when he left, but not because I was in love. The feelings I felt for Mark were so much stronger and different from those I had for Andy.

"No, I can't stay mad at him, you're right. In fact, someday I need to remember to thank him."

"For what?"

"Being an idiot. I could never have stolen you away from him."

"I don't know about that, you can be incredibly endearing and persuasive." I took another sniff of my rose.

"And cute, don't forget cute."

"Cute doesn't begin to cover it. You are dashing inside and out." He actually blushed. I liked that. He should feel as good as I did.

As we got out of the car, I snuggled into his chest. "Scriptures tonight?" he asked, returning the hug.

"That sounds good, but it will have to be after you put your brothers and sisters to sleep. We have plans before that."

"Oh, right, the surprise. Mom is probably busy getting dinner ready, let's go see if we can help."

Dinner was quick. Sister and Brother Cole left for the dance with Christian and Rebekah leaving the clean-up for the babysitters. Mark wouldn't let me help. He recruited the girls instead for the dishes. I had Mark carry Micah downstairs so that he could watch Caleb and me set up for the party. We blew up balloons and hung them around the family room. Micah squealed at all the colors. I sent Caleb up to get bowls for the snacks while I got the music ready on the stereo. Before long, I heard the girls on the stairs giggling.

A high pitched voice, attempting to sound like his sisters said, "Can we come down yet?"

"Well let's see, the girls can come in, but I am not sure about their goofy big brother." To this, the girls' giggles grew louder and they bounced down the stairs and into the room. They were followed by Mark with his head hung sheepishly. I laughed and ran to take his hand. "Of course you can come in, the surprise is for you." He took in the room and his eyebrows rose. "You said you felt like celebrating. Welcome to our dance."

I walked over to the stereo and started the music. The girls jumped up and down and Ruth led Anna over to the snack table. Caleb was already there shoving chips in his mouth. I pulled Mark into the middle of the room to dance with me. He recognized the song as soon as it started. "Were you in my room?"

I looked as innocent as I could, "What do you think I needed Caleb for? But I must say, you do seem a bit obsessed with sports cars," I said, thinking of the posters I had seen all over the walls.

"Hey, those are Christian's, and I thought you said Caleb went in for the music?"

"He did, but I helped your mom with laundry this week and I had to put some clothes in on Christian's bed." And then because I couldn't resist, I add, "Were all the scrubs on the floor Christian's too?"

Looking guilty Mark sighed, "No, those were mine, unless you would believe they belonged to him?" He asked looking hopeful.

"Afraid not, but don't worry, your secret is safe with me." I reached up on my tiptoes and kissed his nose. When the song was over, I looked up to see that we had an audience. "Time to get this party started." I proclaimed putting on some faster dance music, grabbing the girls by the hands, and moving to the dance floor. Mark carefully lifted Micah out of his chair and danced with him in his arms. We tried to get Caleb to come over with us, but he headed back to the food table.

During the next hour, I managed to dance with every Cole man in the room. Micah was heavier than I had realized, so Mark helped me. Caleb was pretty good with the slow dances. I found out that Sister Cole teaches all of her boys to foxtrot and waltz. Thankfully, I had taken a social dance class last year, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to keep up. It was late when Mark announced, "Time for the Coles to go to bed." Cutting in on Caleb, he took me for one more turn around the floor, then he gently scooped up Micah. "See you outside in a while, Caleb."

"Can I put you to bed tonight?" I asked, turning to Ruth and Anna.

"Yeah!" they hollered and we raced up the stairs. Ruth was first and already brushing her teeth by the time I reached the hallway. Anna was really good at finding the things she needed in the bathroom. I watched her in appreciation.

"Tell us a story!" the girls yelled, as I tucked them into their beds.

"It's been a long day guys. I'm not sure I have a story tonight."

"Come on, you can do it." Ruth was pleading.

"Okay."

"Once in a land that was covered with fields. A single tree grew in the sun..."

The girls were yawning as the story finished. "Time to sleep now."

"Thanks, Megan. Love you."

"Love you too." As I exited the girls' room, I could hear Mark singing to Micah. I went back downstairs to start cleaning up.

It wasn't long before Mark joined me. He started the music up again and took the balloon out of my hand. "May I have this dance?"

"Sure," I said, feeling a little shy.

He led me around the room for several minutes, holding me tightly in his arms. "You know what I'm thinking?" he said, breathlessly.

"No. What?"

"I'm thinking that it is a little too private down here. Let's clean up and go upstairs." He blushed as he spoke, but I didn't laugh; upstairs seemed much safer to me too.

"We could make some zucchini bread for breakfast tomorrow and read scriptures while it bakes."

"Excellent idea." He kissed me before he let me go with a sigh. "I need to get Micah's chair upstairs. Can you handle this stuff?"

"Yep, it's almost done." I turned off the music and grabbed the food bowls to take up to the kitchen.

* * *

The next day at church was really fun. I found myself the center of attention as Mark led me in on his arm. Everyone had seen me before, but now it was obvious that things were different. Mostly, I think they could tell because Mark was beaming. Feeling loved and cherished, I clung to his arm.

"So what's going on here?" an old Sunday School teacher of Mark's asked.

"Well, you haven't met Megan yet have you?" Then, he looked at me from the corner of his eyes, "she's my.... girlfriend." I gave him a small nod so that he would know that I approved and he smiled even bigger. I wasn't sure how to count all these smiles if the smile never left his face.

"You sure can pick 'em Mark," he drawled and patted Mark on the back as he walked away.

Confusion spread across my face. "Is there a story there?" I asked.

"No, that's just his way of saying you're beautiful."

I shook my head in amused denial. Mark stopped me by resting his warm hand on my cheek. "He's only partly right, though. You are so beautiful and yet your spirit outshines your face." I melted.

Suddenly, I started to laugh. "What?" Mark asked, surprised by my response.

"I was just thinking how happy Mr. Wallace will be now that his Marky has found someone."

"Hey, you're right. We should stop in and say hi on our way to California. I want to show you off some more." Mark kissed my forehead and walked me to the truck.

By the afternoon, I was starting to feel a little exhausted from all that had happened in just a few days' time. I curled up in my sleeping bag and took a nap. Mark was lurking around the hallway when I woke up. It was obvious he was looking for me. "Hi," I said, running my fingers through my messy hair.

"Hi," he said, almost glumly.

Rushing to him, I asked, "Is something wrong?"

"I just need to talk to you. Can we go outside?"

"Sure," I said. I took his hand and together we walked through the front door.

"Megan, can I ask you something?" He was so serious. I wondered what was up and I longed to make him smile again. We sat on the front porch steps.

"Sure, ask me anything."

"First of all, let me say that my feelings haven't changed no matter how you answer. I said I would always be here." Oh, boy this must be something major. I was worrying now.

"Okay, what is it?"

He hesitated and I could tell that it was difficult for him to let the words out. "Do you really love me for me, or am I just the first guy who didn't care about the whole surgery thing?" He struggled with the right words and I bit my lip. "I mean, it's okay if that is all I am. That can be good enough for me. I just need to know." He paused and I shook my head in dismay.

"Oh, Mark. I am so sorry." He hung his head and I quickly went on, seeing that he misunderstood. "I am so sorry that you ever thought that. You know the other day when you told me how you felt? It was so nice just to be wanted, but right after that first feeling of relief my feelings exploded. It happened so quickly because I guess, I had been fighting it for so long. I started falling in love with you when you stopped to buy me aloe vera gel for my sunburn. I kept falling in love with you the day that we picked up Rebekah in Salt Lake and I told you my secret. I fell when you asked my roommates about me over and over during those awful months. I fell when I saw you with Mr. Wallace. I fell every time I heard you on the phone with your family and every time the guys teased you for being such a sap." I paused to make sure I had his attention and I lifted his chin so that he could see my eyes. "The love that I feel is not out of gratitude to you, but rather in gratitude for you. I feel like I have been given a wonderful gift, and that gift is you, Mark."

As if to contradict me, he said, "But all that stuff is just me being me."

"Exactly," I smiled. "You are generous, compassionate and caring. You put others first; loving you is natural." A tear trickled down his face and I kissed it away. I hoped that he understood. His shoulders seemed to lower a couple of inches as if he was sighing in relief. "Silly, one of these days, I just may smack some sense into you for being willing to take less than you deserve. You deserve nothing less than complete devotion and I have to admit that you have mine, if you want it." And then because he seemed to need it, I wrapped my arms around him and held him as tight as I could.

When he spoke his voice was hoarse, "Thank you, but I definitely think I am the one who has been given the gift. You're glowing, you know."

"So I've been thinking... exactly how long have we been dating?"

He bit his lip looking a little embarrassed. "Almost two months. You figured it out, huh?" He hung his head shyly, then looked up at me and grinned, clearly proud of himself.

"Sneaky. Do you think you could let me in on it next time?"

He reached out and grabbed me into another hug. "Okay, here it goes. Let me take you out tomorrow, please?"

"Sure, but don't you have to work?"

"Nope, I only work Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week. Then I'm off for the vacation."

"Where do you want to go?"

"Why don't you let me work on that. Let's call it a surprise," he said with a smirk.

The front porch light flicked on and off. Brother Cole poked his head out, "Dinner in five."

"Okay, we'll be right there," Mark assured him. Then he turned to me. "Is this really happening?"

I knew exactly what he meant. I had been wondering that for four days now. "I think so," I said, smiling so that I could almost feel the glow on my face. Mark leaned his head on my shoulder for a second and sighed. I turned and kissed his cheek then we went into the house arm in arm.

* * *

"Okay, we've been driving for a while. Are you going to tell me where we're going yet?" I asked as I sat next to him in the truck.

"The future," he said grinning at my confused face.

"A little more information would be good."

"Relax. We are almost there." He pulled into a small real estate office in a tiny town. "Wait here." After a few minutes, he returned with some papers.

"Okay, now you really have to tell me what is going on."

"I was looking on the internet a couple of weeks ago. I've heard you talk about your summer camp so much that this place seemed to have a lot of potential." He handed me a map. "Now help me find it, navigator."

I squealed a little and jumped up and down in my seat, but in a really dignified way. We drove to a small dirt road about ten miles out of the town. The high trees shaded it on either side. "It's beautiful. Too bad it won't be here when I graduate."

"We can still enjoy it and get some ideas. It's good practice." He pulled the truck to a stop and came around to open my door. Excited, I almost ran across the small field in front of me. Mark looked at the papers and gave me the information, "It says here that it is 60 acres. Most of it is wooded. I think this is the largest clearing, but I can't be sure just looking at the map here."

He handed me the map and together we tried to figure it out. The copy was bad and it was hard to read the topographical information. "Guess we'll have to explore to find out." Then, I did give in and ran across the field because I just couldn't help myself.

Mark laughed at me and followed. We hiked all over the little property and he was right, there was potential everywhere. There was even a large pond that would be perfect for some water activities. We sat in the meadow eating the picnic lunch he had brought and I sketched out buildings on the map of the site. "I think the mess hall should go here and then some little cabins nestled up among those trees. That one lookout we saw would make a great place for campfire gatherings, don't you think? The papers say that there is electricity at the road. It shouldn't be too much to bring it to the buildings. I wonder about sanitation and water."

Mark smiled at me and brushed the hair out of my face with his fingers. "I think you are amazing and can do anything."

I beamed at him for a moment, then said, "Thank you so much for bringing me here. It is so much fun to dream. You are the best!" I leaned in to kiss him and then I added. "By the way, we still need to find the perfect place for my cabin. Tag you're it." I jumped up and ran for the woods.

He caught me before I reached the trees. "You can build your cabin anywhere as long as it isn't too far from me." He wrapped me in his arms and I enjoyed another big bear hug.

We packed up to go home and I was sad to leave. "Today was wonderful! I love you, thanks again for bringing me."

"I love hearing you say that. I love you. I love your beautiful dreams, too. It is so fun to watch you plan them."

"I think you are a little deluded. It's just a summer camp."

"I've been listening for a few months now and watching too. You're not planning just any summer camp." I looked at him puzzled. He continued, "You are planning a camp where kids will be taught to enjoy the spirit of being in nature. It could be a place where even kids like Micah and Anna can feel that spirit. When you spent the day in that wheelchair and you were upset because people treated you funny, I could tell you were starting out on a mission. Then the whole Mr. Wallace thing just made everything clear. I almost cried when you met Micah for the first time and you gently touched him and spoke right to him. Nobody does that but the family. You have a special talent for loving all people, Megan. I can see it in your eyes."

I considered what he was saying. It hadn't ever occurred to me in all my planning who the camp would be for, but he was right. Now that I considered it, I couldn't think of anything better. "I think your plans and mine go wonderfully together." It was so amazing to me how well he knew my heart.
Chapter 19

We began packing the large van and Mark's truck on Thursday. The plan was to leave Saturday morning, spend that night with Sister Cole's parents, and then attend church with them on Sunday. As we loaded, I was sure there was no way we were going to fit everything. All of my stuff had to be loaded as well because I was going home right after the trip. The Coles had truly become family and I was really going to miss them.

Mark pulled everything out of the back of his truck when he got home from work. "Hey, we just packed that," I complained. "What, are you feeling left out and you want to do the work over?" He had driven Christian's car to work that day so that we could start the packing and now he was undoing it.

"Nope, I'm just up to something. Go in the house and find something to do for the next hour."

I frowned at him. He'd been gone all day and I missed him. He saw my frown and kissed it. He took my hand and walked me into the house. "I'll hurry, just stay in here, okay?"

Friday was spent in last minute details. Trying to find Christian's sunglasses and Anna's hat was only part of the chaos. Mark worried about his mother's stress levels and hovered around her, helping out where he could. I focused on running Anna, Caleb and Ruth into the ground so that they would be tired for the long ride the next day. We had bike races, tree climbing contests, and my favorite – a gymnastics exhibition on the trampoline. Caleb was quite good with backward somersaults and I managed a forward flip even though I was out of practice.

An early night was a mandate handed down from Brother Cole after dinner. We all went to bed at nine o clock so that the 6 am departure time wouldn't be so bad. The tent had been packed away so Mark had been allowed back in his room for the last night, but Brother Cole slept in the family room right by Mark's door. I found the precautions a little insulting ... but mostly funny. Mark didn't seem to think anything of it.

* * *

In the morning, Mark found me waiting in line outside the bathroom. "How are you?"

"I'm great," I said. Listening to the voices of the family bouncing around the house was so homey. Someone was missing their shoes and another person was looking for their CD. "I get to ride with you, right?" I said, gesturing with my head towards the noise.

He answered by drawing me into a hug and whispering in my ear, "Do you think I would let them have you? You're all mine. They will have to fend for themselves. Besides, who's going to drive while I sleep?" He leaned back and looked at me as he said this last part. I acted shocked and pulled away because finally it was my turn in the bathroom.

* * *

We were all loaded up and backing out of the driveway on the start of the first Cole family vacation. It was 6:15 – not too bad for getting ten people dressed, fed and having family prayer too. I was glad that Mark and I were driving the truck together. It would give us lots of time to talk. I was nowhere near ready to let him go. The first leg of the trip was about five hours but we stopped over in Provo for an early lunch.

Mark and I stopped in to see Mr. Wallace briefly because Mark had something he really wanted to tell him. As he walked through the door, he called, "Mr. Wallace, I brought someone to see you."

"What... Who is it? Marky, you're back!"

"Actually, I just stopped by to bring you a visitor." He pulled me through the door and I smiled at the grumpy man sitting up in a chair by his bed. "Don't get any ideas though, she all mine." Mark wrapped his arms around me like a shield and he leaned over my shoulder and kissed my cheek.

"Oh, she is, huh? Well it's about time you found someone and...." he paused, looking me up and down appraisingly, "this one I don't even hate. Congratulations."

Such words from Mr. Wallace were high praise and I bent to give him a hug. We stayed long enough to push Mr. Wallace around the courtyard and say hi to a few other residents; then it was back to the road.

* * *

It had been such a long day and we were all grateful to be at the Kimball's house, finally. Mark's grandparents were funny people with lots of questions for me. Brother Kimball pulled me aside an hour after we arrived to ask me if I was in love with his grandson. The smile on his face told me that I could tease him a little bit, so I replied, "Which one?" He laughed and then placed a hand on my shoulder.

Walking me to a quieter corner for confidentiality, he stared me down. "Answer the question, Miss." I couldn't help but giggle. I felt more than a little put on the spot and I was strangely reminded of Mr. Wallace.

He continued to stare. "Yes," I finally said. "I am very much in love with your grandson."

He started to pat my shoulder with his hand. "Good girl. You're smart, too." Then he winked at me. Shortly after that, I was rescued by Mark who had managed to hear most of the exchange and was laughing at my discomfort. He led me safely out to the kitchen.

"Oh, yeah! Just wait. You get to meet my dad when you take me home. Grandpa in there is nothing compared to him," I said, poking him lightly in the ribs.

Mark looked a little nervous, but he squeezed me in close with his arm around my shoulder. "If his questions are that easy, I'll have no problem."

Mark's grandmother, Pearl, as Brother Kimball liked to call her, busied herself with trying to fatten me up. It was funny because I wasn't exactly skinny. Sister Cole just rolled her eyes up to the ceiling at me during dinner when I was offered a third helping. I smiled and declined the extra food.

Of course, the grand kids were hugged and doted on and fattened up as well. Brother and Sister Kimball were so happy to have everyone there, and they were happy that they weren't the ones doing the traveling this time. We got to bed rather late considering our long day of driving. Micah wasn't too comfortable in the different surroundings and Mark spent twice as long trying to put him to bed. Brother Cole was even singing with Mark tonight as he tried to ease his boy's tensions.

"Is Micah okay?" I asked as they emerged after nearly 45 minutes. I had been sitting by the door of the large guest room where Micah, Caleb, Christian, and Mark were staying.

"He's asleep. We're just going to have to expect this on the trip." He put an arm around me and led me out into the living room.

* * *

The next morning was a jumble of people, all trying to get washed and dressed for Church. I had showered the night before so that I could avoid the Sunday rush. Being too tired to care, I had gone to sleep when my hair was still wet; consequently it was a rat's nest. I spent a good half hour torturing the tangles. Mark knocked on the door of the large three season porch where the girls had spent the night. I sat on my sleeping bag, hair fallen forward picking through it with a vengeance. I didn't look up, knowing that if I did, my hair would look enormous in its current state.

"Good morning," he called as he opened the door.

"Hi, how did you sleep? Is everyone good this morning?" I asked feeling certain that he would know that I meant Micah.

"Yes, we had a peaceful night. It looks like you had a visit from the crazy hair fairy, though."

I laughed, still not looking up. "Yeah, she and I are old friends." Then, I winced as I hit a tangle that pulled my hair.

"Are you okay? Can I help?" He asked walking forward.

"Thanks, but I think I had better tackle this myself. You should go be with your grandparents. We're leaving tomorrow and they have missed you."

"Well, good luck. It looks harrowing." He retreated and I sighed in relief. I wasn't quite sure what he would make of my big, crazy mane, but I guessed he was going to see it sooner or later if we were going camping. When the tangles were gone, I braided it and joined the family for breakfast.

* * *

The Kimballs' ward was mostly older people. There were lots of retired folks, so the children were a special treat. I watched as Anna, Ruth and Caleb got their cheeks pinched several times just making their way to the pew where we were sitting. Used to winter visitors in Arizona, the room full of grandparents wasn't as novel to me as it seemed to the bewildered Ruth who looked around for anyone her age.

"Mom, do they have Primary here?" She asked in doubt.

Sister Cole tried to reassure her, but looking around she was suddenly unsure herself. "If not, you can come to Relief Society with me and Megan." Ruth perked up at the possibility.

Just before the meeting started, Mark and Caleb were asked to help pass the Sacrament. They stood without delay and walked over to sit next to the men that were already in place. In Mark's absence, I slid my way down to Micah at the end of the bench and held his hand. He liked the hymns as the congregation sang and made contented noises.

It was hard not to get upset when the Relief Society lesson turned in to a 'this is what to do when you have kids' talk, directed at me. The younger girls had been taken off to a small Primary class with their Grandma Kimball. Ruth was a little disappointed, but I was sure that she was having more fun in Primary than I was in Relief Society right now. Sister Cole quickly came to my rescue trying to get everyone back on topic. I know that I just looked like a future mother to them, but it felt like an assault and I prayed trying to calm the pain.

Later, I told Mark about the lesson and he became anxious. I tried to soothe him rubbing my arm on his shoulder and explaining that they just didn't understand. As soon as he realized that I was okay about it, he calmed right down. Stuff like this was going to happen a lot, I figured. Reassuring him had calmed me down too. Most of the time people meant well. I needed to learn not to let it get to me.

* * *

After another filling dinner and an early night, we were on the road again Monday morning heading toward California. We were now spread between three vehicles because we had added the RV. Brother Cole was driving it so Christian, Rebekah and I were all taking turns in the van to help Sister Cole with the driving. I was driving the van after a gas stop just into California when Micah started to fuss. We started to sing songs, any songs we knew. It was one of the more fun times on the trip that day. I wished Mark had been there to share it with us. Some of the silliest songs came from the younger girls and I wished that there were a class that would teach me all the new kid's songs.

It was a long day of driving, but we reached our first destination by dinner time. We were actually staying with the Martens for the night. There were old friends of Sister Cole's who owned an orchard. Space was limited so the boys were sleeping in the tent. The girls would all be bunking in the RV. Brother and Sister Cole would be in the house with Micah. Still, it was a beautiful farm and a fun setting to get into vacation mode.

It felt good to stretch my legs. Mark, Christian and I put the tent up. Then we joined the rest of the family inside the small farmhouse dining room for a late dinner. Sister Marten was so excited to have a crowd to feed. "It's just like old times." She beamed as she placed serving bowl after serving bowl on the table.

With our stomachs full of Sister Marten's yummy dinner and after a long day of traveling, we were all ready for bed. Brother Cole didn't even have to try. "To bed girls," he gently ordered, sweeping the group with his eyes that fell on each girl in turn, including me. We all followed without an argument. "Boys, you too."

"Wait for me," Mark insisted, pulling me by the hand. He put one arm around me and one arm around Ruth and we walked to the RV parked at the back of the house. Anna followed behind with Rebekah and the three girls went inside while Mark and I paused, not wanting to say goodnight. I eyed the RV dubiously and hoped that leaving the windows open would help with how stuffy it had been in there this afternoon.

Anna poked her head out of the door and holding onto the frame for support, she said. "Are you going to kiss her, Mark?" The question was followed by a chorus of giggles from behind her.

I blushed as Mark grabbed me in his arms. Our show was spotlighted by the flood light on the Martens' back porch as he dipped me as if we were dancing and held me there. He paused to look up at his sisters now all watching from the door and sweetly said, "Why, yes. Yes, I am." He gently kissed my lips to the delight of the giggling crowd and then he lifted me back up. Wobbling, I tried to plant both my feet again and he smirked. "I must be a great kisser," he said quietly so that only I could hear, then he winked.

Satisfied, the girls reentered the RV and made preparations for bed. I could hear Christian and Caleb arguing over who got to sleep next to the door in the tent about 30 feet away. Remembering similar arguments between the twins, I gestured with my head towards the noise and teased, "Good luck." The glow of a flashlight was casting lively shadows on the walls of the tent and it sounded like the fight was growing intense. I turned to go get ready for bed, but Mark stopped me again.

"I do get a goodnight kiss, don't I?"

"You can have lots if you want, but I thought you just did that?"

"Exactly, I just did that. I need a kiss from you. Besides that one was just being silly, it doesn't count." He drew me to him and we lingered on a kiss as I enjoyed the strength in his arms while he held me. Resting my head on his chest again, I sighed feeling so joyous. We were shortly interrupted by another chorus of giggles. He tried to 'shhh' his sisters, but it failed so he reluctantly let me go. "Sleep well. I love you."

"I love you, too." With a goofy smile plastered on my face, I floated into the RV. A couple of minutes later we heard another ruckus coming from the direction of the tent. Confident that they would have a solution to their fight soon, I climbed into the bed above the driver and passenger seats with Rebekah and fell asleep still smiling.

* * *

In the morning, after a simple breakfast of muffins and eggs, Brother Marten took us around his orchard to show us the different types of trees he grew. It was still early in the season so most of the fruit was still green. We were in luck that he had a several trees of an early ripening variety. Brother Cole lifted Anna up so that she could feel a branch that was heavy with peaches. They were not as bright in color as some peaches I had seen, but they did smell wonderful. She smiled when she felt the curly leaves and the fuzzy texture of the peaches.

The peaches were especially fuzzy and after picking a basketful, my arms were itchy. Scratching only made it worse because the fuzz was on my hands. Brother Marten looked at me and smirked. "Most of my varieties are newer and have been bred to reduce the fuzz. This one here is an antique variety, that's why I wear this," he said, pointing to the long sleeve flannel shirt he was wearing. I hadn't even considered bringing a long sleeve shirt in this summer heat. All of my clothes were packed down with my school things in the truck, but I didn't want to disturb Mark's neat packing job.

The itching was bad enough that I walked back to the house leaving the rest in the orchard. Mark came with me. He was torn between concern and amusement as I scratched. "I think you may have a slight allergy," he said as we entered the house. He took me to the kitchen sink and scrubbed my arms with cold soapy water. It felt so nice that I only halfheartedly protested that I could do it myself. He had me clean under my nails really well and then examined my arms more closely. There was indeed a raised red rash, but it was so faint it was hard to see it under my scratch marks.

Mark and I sat out on the porch enjoying the morning and waiting for everyone to return from the orchard. "Finally," he sighed.

"What?" I asked laying my head against him.

"I just missed having you all to myself." This revelation made me happy and I lifted my head and kissed his cheek. He returned the kiss and brushed my hair gently with his fingers. "You know, I have thought a lot about touching your hair over the past few months. It is softer than I imagined."

I laughed, "That's because I have to tame it with two kinds of conditioner just to get it to cooperate."

"I think it is so beautiful." He leaned his face against my hair and gently brushed his cheek back and forth.

"You're perfect." I said matter-of-factly.

"Hardly."

"No, I'm pretty sure. First, you think I'm wonderful despite all my... limitations and now you think my hair is beautiful. You are either perfect or very confused."

He hugged me in tighter. "I don't have to be perfect to enjoy the beauty that you are. I've spent months trying to ignore it and I can tell you that's much more difficult."

"It's strange; I can't imagine my life without you. Everything just seems so right when you are near me." I was surprised that this idea wasn't frightening to me anymore.

"I feel the same way," he said, squeezing me again. He was definitely affectionate like his dad seemed to be. I could see Mark giving Brother-Cole-like bear hugs to his kids as he came home from work. I started to shy from the thought, worried that I might see a boy with curly brown hair and brown eyes, but I saw instead a Cole like family with every skin and hair color represented. The brief vision was overwhelming and tears came to my eyes.

Mark couldn't see my face, so the tears went unnoticed. I wasn't ready yet to share my thoughts with him on this. He had hinted at our future together and I honestly couldn't think of life without him, but I didn't want to freak him out. I got myself under control, then said, "Let's go back to the orchard, I think my arms are better." He stood with me, then ran off to the tent before I could question. When he returned he was carrying a long sleeve flannel shirt similar to Brother Marten's.

"If we're going back out there, I want you to cover up." He handed me the shirt and I took it gratefully.

We found the group sitting on a small grassy area between a couple of trees at the end of the field. Juice was running down everyone's face and Caleb was trying to see how far he could spit the large pit. I reached for a peach, but Mark stopped me. "Megan, I'm not so sure you should."

"I've eaten peaches lots of times. It will be fine," I protested, but he shook his head a little doubtfully.

Brother Cole spoke up then. "Here, Mark." He tossed Mark a small red object. It was a pocket knife. Mark smiled and grabbed a peach. He handed me the peeled peach. Juice was now running down his hands. I was a little embarrassed to be so babied, but thankful that I wouldn't have to touch the fuzz again.

The peach was so sweet and juicy. It tasted much better than the ones I'd had from the store. Self-consciously, I wiped the juice from my face with my sleeve and then remembered that I was wearing Mark's shirt. I looked up at him apologetically and he laughed, "Well since it's already dirty..." He reached around me in a hug and rubbed his sticky wet hands all over the back of the shirt. This won giggles from almost everyone except Brother Cole who cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow. Mark gave him an innocent look and released me, putting an arm around my shoulder.

* * *

We all tromped in from the fields in the late morning. The heat was just starting to get uncomfortable. Mark and I were taking the small road back pushing Micah along the more even surface. By the time we caught up with the group (who had cut through the fields) they were in the middle of a water fight. Brother Cole was armed with the hose and happily squirting the dirt and stickiness off of anyone who got close enough. Sister Cole reappeared outside with a plastic bowl from the kitchen. While Brother Cole was focused on squirting Christian, she emptied its contents onto his back.

Brother Cole whirled around and began to chase Sister Cole with the hose. The kids all laughed watching the exchange. Brother Marten whooped then cut the water to the hose. Finding himself unarmed, Brother Cole caught up to his wife and scooped her up into a hug, placing a kiss solidly on her lips as water from her hair dripped down their faces. It was such a perfect moment, I just watched silently.

The rest of the week was filled with such moments. Though vacationing was new to the Coles, playing together wasn't. Already I felt such a part of them that I didn't want to leave. The time was going much too fast, especially my time with Mark.

* * *

We spent the rest of the day at the zoo then settled down for another early night before we drove to the redwoods. There was a bit of fighting among the girls that night. I think everyone was just tired. "Hey guys? Why didn't the shrimp share his treasure?"

"It was too small?"

"Good guess, but no. It was because he was a little shellfish."

The groans were loud and Mark couldn't resist checking on us.

"Everything okay in there?"

"No," Rebekah complained. "Megan is torturing us with bad jokes."

"Oh, if that's all. Better you than me. Goodnight."

"I heard that." I teased over all the giggles.

The next night we spent in a beautiful campground at the foot of the mountains. The day had provided many wonderful opportunities to feel amazement at God's creations. I sat around the campfire with the Coles who seemed much more subdued. One by one they turned in until only Mark and I were left to douse the fire.

I crawled into the tent trying not to disturb my roommates. "Goodnight, Megan," Anna lazily said.

* * *

The next morning I was woken up by a little knock at the girls' tent. "Megan, wake up." Startled, I sat up and looked at my watch; it was 5:30. This was way too early for Mark; something must be wrong.

I poked my head out, "Mark, what's the matter?"

He looked a little embarrassed, "Nothing, I just couldn't wait any longer. Can you come out?"

"Give me a minute." Ruth and Anna were still asleep. Grabbing my clothes, I got dressed quietly. I unzipped the tent, tiptoed through, and zipped it up again hoping not to wake them.

"Get your shoes," he directed and I sat to put my shoes on. "Okay, now come with me. I want to show you something." We walked a little ways from the camp. The sun was starting to rise, lighting the sky with yellow and orange.

"What are we doing?"

"Just a minute, we're almost there." We passed a clump of trees and came to a little clearing. It was a beautiful picture.

"It's amazing! What a great idea. We should wake everyone up so they can see the sunrise."

"Wait," he said and walked over to an object in the distance that I hadn't noticed.

It was a beautiful hope chest. There was a big carved heart on the front and a goldfish on the lid. Speechless, I admired it lovingly.

"I made this for you, because I love you and because you bring so much hope into my life that I wanted to give some back to you." He opened up the lid and down inside was a ring box. Pulling it out he said, "Please, marry me and I will try to fill your life with hope the way you fill mine with beauty and joy."

I jumped into his arms and whispered in his ear, "You can never have too much hope. Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you!" He squeezed me tight and spun me around. "You are such a blessing to me. I can't believe how happy I feel right now."

I touched the hope chest running my fingers over the carving. He laughed, "I did them myself. You can see I'm not very good, but it's the thought, right?"

I put my finger on his lips, "Shh," I said. "It's wonderful. I will treasure it. Thank you."

"I wasn't sure I could get it here without you seeing it. Lucky for me you didn't get nosy."

"Is this what the repack was about?"

"Yeah, I was lucky to get it done in time. I finished late Wednesday night."

"And this?" I asked holding up my left hand that now held my ring.

"Got it on my lunch hour, last week. Is it okay?"

"Aside for the fact that it is incredibly beautiful, it means I get to keep you; so, it's perfect."

He beamed and I braced myself for another bear hug.

"Shall we go tell the family?" He scooped me up off my feet and carried me back through the trees.

"What about my hope chest?"

"It will be okay for a few minutes."

My mind shifted into planning mode and I blurted out my questions. I could always ruin a romantic moment. "But what about the wedding? When? Where?"

"Well, I won't settle for anything less than forever so it will definitely be in the temple. Other than that, you can pick. I'll be there wherever it is."

I giggled and he gave me a quick peck on the lips. The he bellowed, "Wake up, guys!" I looked at my watch it was only a quarter 'til 6. Given the time, I buried my face in his shoulder and prepared for grouchy faces to appear.

Christian and Caleb were the first to emerge from the boys' tent. They stumbled out of the flap as if they had been spinning in circles for hours. I laughed at their groggy expressions and then was stunned as Christian woke up enough to take in the scene. "You finally did it!" he shouted. "It's about time, Bro."

I looked up at Mark, curious about how long he had been thinking about this. He reddened slightly but then his eyes flicked to the RV door that was opening. "What? We missed it?" Rebekah complained as she came down the little steps. Brother and Sister Cole were sitting next to the camper door and they were both smirking.

"I knew you couldn't stick to the plan," Sister Cole said.

"Plan?"

"He was supposed to do it in front of the family before he left for the backpack trip." Brother Cole explained.

"I just couldn't wait!" Mark beamed. All this time he had not put me down and I was starting to feel a little silly. My attempts to wiggle free only made him hold me tighter. "Stay, please. I'm not ready to let go yet," he whispered in my ear. I gave up and my head back on his shoulder. I would just have to look silly a little longer. For Mark, I could deal with that.

Finally, all the noise woke up the little girls and they came out to see what was going on. Mark smiled and said, "At least I get to tell someone. Megan and I are getting married!"

Ruth took one look at me in him arms and said, "Right now?"

"No, I wish, but we have to wait," he said, then put me down on the ground.

"Can I be at your wedding?" Anna asked me.

"Sorry, but were going to be sealed in the temple. You can be in the pictures and at the reception, though. We can even get you a pretty new dress," I said.

"I've been in the temple. I got sealed to Mom and Dad," Anna answered. "It's wonderful."

I brushed my hand along her hair and said, "I think it's wonderful, too."

Mark sent Christian and Caleb to get the hope chest. Brother Cole gave me a real, feet-off-the-ground bear hug, my first from him. "Welcome to the family," he said, tearing up.

Sister Cole gave me a hug too, and then hugged Mark. She held him a long time. "I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I'll miss you, kid," she said.

"You don't need me, Mom. You've had things running smoothly for years. You just let me help to keep me out of your hair." They laughed and she wiped her eyes.

"Well, since you woke everyone up so early, we may as well get started on breakfast. I'm glad this vacation is going to be so cheap, since we have wedding travel ahead." Sister Cole busied herself getting the food for breakfast.

Mark pulled me in one more embrace and kissed my left hand, touching the ring there. "I'll be back." Then he went off to pack my hope chest safely back into the truck. I went to help make breakfast.

After we'd packed everything up, we drove to Yosemite. I was tempted to call my parents and tell them the news, but doing it in person seemed so much more fun.

* * *

Christian and Mark left for their overnighter right after breakfast the next morning. I tried to get into the planned activities for the day, but I was very distracted. If I missed Mark so much now, what were the next six weeks going to be like?

The Coles, minus the two oldest boys, wandered around the park enjoying. In the afternoon, Brother and Sister Cole even got to take a walk by themselves while Rebekah and I kept everyone else busy.

I spent that night tossing and turning. I woke up every couple of hours and checked my watch. I thought about the trail the guys were on and pictured them nestled down in their sleeping bags. Everyone else was sleeping; I tried to go back to sleep, too.

With the dawn I was up and wandering the camp. There was nothing to do really. We would be staying another night so packing up was unnecessary and Sis. Cole had insisted the camp be cleaned up before we went to bed.

I took the quiet time to read my scriptures and ponder on the way Heavenly Father had blessed my life in such a short time. When I considered the answers I'd received to my prayers, I was humbled. There were so many people in my life he'd used to answer my prayers.

* * *

By the afternoon, the brothers had returned and I was at Mark's side again. Around the campfire that night, we were rewarded with the tale of Christian and the bear. Apparently, he had excused himself for a call of nature at sunset last night and had seen a bear in the distance. Hurrying back to Mark, the two double checked the campsite to make sure they didn't have any food around.

"So glad we listened to you and strung our food up for the night in some trees away from our sleeping bags," Christian said to me shaking his head. "We heard the bear trying to get to it in the middle of the night."

"Yeah, it was pretty scary," Mark agreed. "But lucky for us, Christian smelled bad enough that the bear stayed away." This last comment won Mark a wadded shirt to the head. Christian was chuckling and shirtless.

Brother Cole broke up the party before Mark could retaliate. "Come on, son. I want some help repacking the van for tomorrow." Mark kissed me on the forehead then ran off to help his dad.

* * *

The next morning we were heading home. "You know last night when I helped my dad?" Mark spoke up as we drove.

"Yes?"

"He wanted to have 'the talk' with me." He grinned as he looked to see my reaction.

"Really? How did that go?" I asked, my eyes wide.

"Just fine. He was more concerned with making sure I treated you like a treasure than about the physical stuff. I told him not to worry because he had set that example for me my whole life." Mark teared up a little as he spoke.

I nodded agreement with this. "Plus, I think you have a natural talent for making me feel special." I pulled his hand up to kiss it. "Gee, I wonder what kind of talks I'll get when I go home."

"I guess we will find out. Your Dad is smaller than mine, right?" Mark asked sounding nervous. I laughed and he rolled towards the window for a nap.

* * *

"Hi, how long was I out?" He sat up and his face was lined from where he had been resting it on the window.

"About three hours. We are almost to the Arizona border. Feel better?"

"Yes, do you need me to drive?"

"Nope, I have the hang of it now. Thanks for teaching me."

"Yeah, I'm really glad you know how. It saves me from having to teach you this winter." Funny, it hadn't occurred to me yet that I would be driving the truck a lot more once we were married.

"Hey, Megan. How quickly do you think you could plan a wedding?"

I smiled at him, my thoughts running along the same lines. "It wouldn't take too long. When do you want to do it?"

"Soon, I can't think of anything I want more than you for eternity. I am ready to make you mine right now."

"August?" I asked, mentally crunching the numbers.

"YES!" I smiled at his enthusiasm and he kissed my hand.

"Mom is going to kill me for the short notice, but we can do it. Where?"

"Utah's part way for each family and yours has to get you to school anyway right?"

"Provo?"

"I will call the temple as soon as we get to your house."

"We should probably tell my family first."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

"It's funny, even though I am going home, I feel like my home is here with you."

"A home!" Mark said, slapping his hand to his forehead. "I guess I will look for an apartment on my way back to Idaho, too. So many things to do."

I laughed, "Nothing too expensive. We are going to need to start our savings. With any luck maybe we will have enough to adopt when we graduate." He smiled widely at this and squeezed my hand.

What an amazing gift I was being given. My heart soared in prayer, thanking my Heavenly Father for strengthening my weakness, and sending me someone who could love me for who I am.
About the Author

Melody Burris once ventured deep down into the crust of the earth, only to find that she was claustrophobic. She stood on the rim of the Grand Canyon, only to discover she was afraid of heights. Now she creates a world of narrative where she can be as brave as she wants. She loves to live in this imaginary world whether she is reading or writing she can conquer any fear, brave any test and triumph in the end. Melody occasionally comes out of this world to brave a hiking trail, a trip to the big city, or dinner with the family.

She's just brave enough to answer her emails at melody.burris@gmail.com. Put [Megan] in the subject line to help it through the spam filters.
1. Elders are men, from about 18 years old on up. In each congregation, they are organized into a Quorum, with a president (who has two Counselors for assistance), secretary, and instructors.

2. Ward: A congregation. In the LDS church, congregations are assigned by geography, so where you go to church is a function of where you live. In areas with high concentrations of Mormons, like BYU, a ward can encompass just two apartment buildings out of a complex.

3. LDS men are encouraged to serve a two-year mission for the Church beginning at age 18 – back then, it was 19. Missionaries are assigned to a locale, and given training in leadership and teaching skills (and language, if necessary.) LDS missionaries are assigned companions – someone they must be with and work with at all times.

4. Harris Fine Arts Center

5. Fireside: an evening church meeting, generally instructional.

6. FHE = Family Home Evening. LDS families are instructed to set aside one night a week for family gatherings, gospel teaching, and worthwhile interaction. At BYU, since everyone is somewhat alone, students are assigned to small groups to continue the practice. In each group, there will be an assigned "Dad" and "Mom."

7. Each member of the LDS church is visited by Home Teachers (a pair of Elders) and the women also have Visiting Teachers – a pair of women assigned by the Relief Society (the women's organization of the LDS Church.) The visits in each case are to make sure that there are no unmet needs (physical as well as spiritual.) To simplify reporting, the visiting teachers are divided into districts, and they report to a district supervisor, who collates the reports and passes them along to the President.

8. Positions in the LDS Church are assignments extended from the leaders of the congregation, and the members can either accept or reject the call to serve in that capacity.

9. Twice each year (in April and October), congregational meetings are suspended and the entire membership of the LDS Church has a televised meeting. There are two, two-hour sessions on Saturday for the general membership, one two-hour session for the men, followed by two more two-hour sessions on Sunday. Because the schedule is packed, the two hour session for the women is held a week before the big weekend of General Conference.

10. The Marriot Center on BYU campus is the large arena used for basketball and events that require a lot of seating.

11. This is LDS shorthand for being "in tune with the Spirit," meaning being able to feel a prompting from God.

12. A Bishop is the person in charge of an LDS congregation. He works under a Stake President, and a group of Wards is a Stake.

13. There are four magazines put out by the LDS Church for the members; The Friend, for children up to age 12; The New Era, for teens 12 to 18; and The Ensign, for adults. The Ensign has, among other things, the monthly messages to teach during Home Teaching and Visiting Teaching. The last is The Liahona which is published in languages other than English.

14. LDS meetinghouses are for weekly church events. Temples are sacred places for certain ordinances, primarily sealings, which allows families to stay together after death.

15. This meeting has talks assigned to members of the congregation, but centers around an ordinance called Sacrament, the LDS equivalent of Communion or the Last Supper.

16. A Personal Priesthood Interview is an interview with one's priesthood leader going over all one's responsibilities and duties. In a family, the priesthood leader is the father.

17. Choose The Right

18. The Young Women's program has three divisions: Beehives are 12 and 13 year olds, MIA Maids are 14 and 15, and Laurels are 16 through High School graduation.

19. Two popular phrases used by LDS leaders in the past.

20. The name for the youngest class of children, 3 and 4 years old. Gospel lessons for this group are, of necessity, very basic and uncomplicated. That doesn't make those lessons any less true.

21. Primary is the children's organization in the LDS Church. It covers Nursery for children from 18 months to 3 years, and other classes for children up to age twelve (including the Sunbeams, mentioned earlier).

22. High-school level courses of scripture study, taught by a member of the local congregation before school or in areas with a larger LDS population they are held during the school day and are taught by a professional teacher.
