Right

I went to bed last night feeling﻿ great after watching a lovely film with Mary and Nuala. I don’t really know what I did all day, so it was nice to do something as the three of us just so I could actually pinpoint a part of the day and be like “yes, I did that”. However, as I crawled into bed, I took a little bit of a self confidence hit and found myself having a pity party.

So what if this week has given me a few set backs? Who cares whether I had a good day Tuesday or a bad day Friday? Just to clarify Friday was actually a pretty good day but that’s not the point of this. The point is, I’m tired of my brain trying to make excuses that just don’t make sense.

For years now, any time something happens like friends go out without me, or I’m not in on a conversation, my mind spirals. It doesn’t accept that I wasn’t invited because the host knew I was out of the country at the time, instead it tells me I wasn’t invited because the host actually doesn’t like me and just puts up with me for appearances sake. I once was crying and working myself up that much at being removed from a group chat that I ended up having a panic attack. Over a group chat that was practically dead anyway. So yes, my mind likes to play tricks on me. A lot of the time, I know it’s a load of rubbish and push it away, other times it festers.

You want to know what my brain decided to tell me on Saturday night? I managed to convince myself that the reason Mary and Nuala are looking at a flat for the 2 of them together is because I’m fat. And do you know the worst part? For a good 5 minutes I believed myself. Yeah they have their reasons, and I probably won’t hear them, but I know for a fact that my weight isn’t one of them!

Sorry, this really is a rambling post because I don’t know where I’m going with this. I just knew I wanted to share it with someone, and that someone was you.

As Nuala and I agreed, after a lengthy gym session on Friday, I do a lot of talking, not an awful lot of acting on it. I’ve come on here and announced that I want to lose weight, and yet 3 weeks into the month I still find myself scouring cupboard for something to snack on, or running to the shop for an unhealthy lunch rather than making something in the flat. There’s only me who can change that, no one else.

To be honest, I’m ready for a change. I feel like I’ve spent the last few years living as if someone’s going to come along and tell me that actually life is just a dream and I’m going to wake up soon. I had a moment today when I realised that actually no, I am going to get older, leave university, find a job, and actually have to somehow exist as an adult. This isn’t some game we play and stop playing every now and again. There are no cheats. There’s no restarting from scratch. There’s no “ctrl + z” to undo something. All we can do is move forward and move further in life.

I used to think that by 21 I would be mature, organised, healthy, and have my life in order. Now, I can’t even guarantee I’ll be sorted by the time I’m 30! But that’s okay too.

I feel old saying this, but my age group have been raised on the promise of “if you can dream it, you can achieve it” and when we don’t achieve it, we blame everyone but ourselves – claiming we’ve been lied to, mislead, and let down. I’m guilty of it myself. We don’t grasp the reigns and start a new path, yet we try to reach new, undiscovered lands by following the paths that lead to just where we don’t want to go. It’s stupid and we end up beating ourselves up over it, and then we feel crap.

I’m going to stop rambling now and say goodbye because I’ve just had a brainwave and want to write it down before I forget it. So, once again, thank you for staying with me throughout this post. It’s been a bit all over the place, and I’ve given myself some inspiration for another post at a later stage, but that’s another time.

Speak soon!

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Hey :) I'm 21, from Northern Ireland and no longer new to blogging. I love all things TV, books, food, music and film as well as going out with friends. This is hopefully somewhere you'll be able to come if you feel you need a laugh or even just to stay in touch. Follow for Follow and all that however I'd like to take this chance to say thanks for coming to read! Enjoy and feel free to make any recommendations!
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41 thoughts on “Right”

Oh my word I loved reading this so much!! It was so beautifully honest…and that’s actually how I’ve been feeling this week! (There must be something in the air!) I definitely related to it, so thank you so much for sharing 😊

Thank you! I’ve missed writing these sorts of posts, so definitely think it’s something I’m going to go back to doing. Thanks so much for commenting, you’ve actually made my day! 💖 have a great week! xxx

In my experience of being almost 30 I’ve learnt that change happens when you’re ready and you’re ready when it stops being about what you should be and it becomes about what you truly want deep down, and you accept yourself and feel you deserve the change 😊 It’s not that automatic when, like me, you have an anxious mind, but it’s possible. I’m here if you ever need xx

You’ll do it! You’re amazing I every way and you’ll achive your goals! My mind does that to, it tells me that I’m not liked etc… when that’s not the case and it’s perfectly normal to feel that way. I love the “ctrl + z” bit, it’s so true! We don’t have that although sometimes I wish we did, like a big game of sims!

Hey KT, I know exactly what you mean when you say that you thought you’d be at a certain stage in life at a certain age! I feel like that too! I am 27, and just recently started upon a new career path that will take a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice… I always thought I’d be fully in my career by now! Keep up trying to find your way & you will :)) Glad you posted on the #BloggersTribe twitter chat so I could find you! Definitely following :))

It’s not all your fault. I know my brain pulls the same trick sometimes thinking I wasn’t invited because I’m not welcomed or something like that so it’s hard to accept that it isn’t the case. Our minds can be such jerks sometimes just going off on different things. I wish you luck in losing weight. Set your goal and come up with small steps you can do to achieve it. I believe in you! (:

I honestly love you, I love this post it’s so honest and relatable, I think it’s relatable to everyone in some way or another even if it’s not for the same reasons, we all make excuses for ourselves and we just sit back and expect things to happen, I for one am guilty of this, I defiantly need to start acting on things I want to change rather than just wishing and hoping. I totally believe in you girl, you’re beautiful anyways so don’t forget that! But if you want to change for you then do that, not for anyone else though, as long as you’re making yourself happy that’s all that matters! – Sarah xoxo

wonderfully written KT. I still haven’t got my S**t together and i’m 31. all things will fall into place for you hun don’t worry. I have faith that in a few months you’ll be writing a totally different post with a more brighter perspective. Much loves xxx

Oh good luck with your new career path! It seems rather scary that at any stage this life could end, and I’ve had the realisation that I don’t want to keep putting my dreams off in the hopes of achieving them some day. Thank you so much for your lovely comment xxxx

Thank you so so much Sarah ❤ It's one of those things we're all guilty of and even today after writing this post I found myself making excuses for my behaviour and actions! Thanks for the lovely comment, I really appreciate it xxxx

Thanks lovely! I know, it seems so strange to think when we were younger we had this big plan for where we’d be by now but the key thing to remember is that it’s okay to not be at that point by now if we’re happy with where we are! I used to think I’d be teaching, married and have at least a dog, if not be pregnant, and look at me now – I can count my friends on one hand and am still single with definitely no plans of being pregnant any time soon! As long as we work on being happy in ourselves, then surely that’s the important thing? xxx

Thanks Holly! Haha, we’re allowed to not have our s**t together yet – we’re both still young! Although I’m glad that you have that faith in me because I currently don’t, but it means a lot to me that you do! xxxx

A beautifully honest post. I’m 34 and only in the past two years have I really felt at all like I have my ducks almost, sort of, kind of in a row. I’m happier and more confident now than I have ever been. It will come, I promise x

I’m a student myself and I let those little things get to me. It’s hard sometimes finding someone to talk to or finding a platform to express myself because I often tell myself half the time that I’m not talking sense. It’s good that there’s honest people like you coming out and expressing yourself, because it’s often the first step to self improvement. Good stuff!

Thank you! It seems that a lot more people than I realised felt the same as me on these sorts of things and that in itself is important to point out to people. If we all speak out, we can all help each other!

Aww bless sweetie! I’m over 40 and still like I know nothing, but the great thing about life is that we keep on learning! There is no end point until the the ultimate end so enjoy all the twists, turns, highs and lows. It’s all just one big adventure!