Basketball Wives Recap: The Wives Go to Tahiti

Ugh, Basketball Wives just have so many ISSUES. It’s not even funny, except when it is. Royce wants her dad to say that he’s proud of her, that she’s good enough. And sometimes she just wants a hug from him. Maybe I’d have more sympathy if she didn’t cry in such a way that makes me want to kill puppies. And I love puppies.

Tami also has problems, but she’s working on them with her anger management sessions. She wants to brag to her doctor about how she’s made “personal leaps and bounds,” which obviously means that she’s going to not make personal leaps and bounds later in the episode. She brags about how she’s been stopping and thinking, playing the peacemaker. But when the subject turns to Kesha, she admits that she didn’t address the issue the way she should have, though it’s an improvement. The “old Tami” would have hit her, the new Tami makes a conscious effort not to smack people in the face.

Royce is still trying to get her dad Robert and her boyfriend Dezmon on the same page because she is “Daddy’s girl” and “Dezmon’s woman.” At lunch, it all turns to sh!t because Royce’s dad calls her needy, and Dezmon has a blank look on his face because this situation is awkward. Period.

Then Dezmon admits that, honestly, it’s a little true, and Royce leaves the table. Dezmon goes after her, and finds her crying to her mother on the phone. She denies that she’s needy because she gives away her heart, and is also pissed that he brought this issue up in front of her pops. He says it’s not a negative thing, just sometimes he feels overwhelmed. Dezmon continues to be awkward, Robert eats his food with a huff and a head shake while still in the restaurant. Eventually, Dezmon hugs her. Took long enough.

Chad is home sick, acting like a baby. He and Evelyn do their cute thing of having a connection or whatever. He says he’s her hunk of “chocolate.” Har, har. Next up, Evelyn joins Tami for a walk-and-talk and shop session. Tami thinks it would be good for Evelyn to get on the anger management bandwagon, which might be good for her person, but not for the show. Evelyn seems up to the idea. When the topic turns to Tahiti, Tami says that she’s not looking forward to going because of Kesha. “There’s only so much I can take before I burst,” she explains.

“We in Tahiti, b!tches!” someone exclaims. And it’s true. All the Wives are there, minus Jen and Kenya (Royce wasn’t invited, I presume). Shaunie doesn’t know what that means but, um, do they even hang out? Whatevs. Tami gets annoyed in the car because Kesha keeps coughing without covering her mouth properly. “It’s a big deal for me,” she says, “I don’t tolerate that from anybody.” This is serious shiz, yo. Then Suzie asks if cannibals still live in Tahiti, which is both offensive and stupid and offensively stupid. Everyone’s in awe of the beauty that abounds around them, and as they enter their room, they’re met with flowers all about their bungalow. Everyone toasts to having “no drama,” which is literally laugh-out-loudable.

During their first dinner in Tahiti, they plot to put a dead fish in Kenya’s room so it’ll smell when she joins them on the trip. These b!tches be doing high school again, what else is new? When Suzie brings up the Jen situation, we learn that Jen tweeted something directed towards Nia to all her followers, which is just prolonging the conflict and stress. Shaunie brings up her plan to go swim with sting rays and sharks, to which Tami says, “Heeeell to the no.” When they’re on this boat, we learn that Jen is coming on the trip later as well. Tami is actually glad because a) it’s tradition and b) Evelyn needs to get some things off her chest. Kesha’s just getting on Tami’s nerves because she’s acting scared of everything, like getting into the water. Eventually, she does. But not soon after, we hear a scream. (What else is new? This show is terrifying.)

Things take a turn for the drunken and messy when they decide to have shots. Tami’s sitting next to Kesha and starts getting annoyed with her. Then the “Tasmanian Tami” (Shaunie’s words) comes out, and she confronts Kesha about when Kesha talked behind her back, saying that she wanted to go off on Tami, but didn’t want to embarrass her any more than she already embarrassed herself. “I’m not the b!tch you wanna start with. Don’t start with me,” Tami warns. She wants respect. “You wanted to go off on me? B!tch, here’s your chance!” she yells. Kesha denies this, Tami proclaims that she can’t be fake around girls she doesn’t like. The whole time that Tami’s going off the deep end, Kesha stares placidly at her and tunes her out. “I just look at her like the fool she is,” Kesha says. Oh honey, everyone’s a fool when it comes to this show.