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ClickHole | this_woman_answers_the_question_every_man_wants_to_know | There is no English authority on this question, and indeed we have been referred to none from any common law jurisdiction.
In an earlier hearing of that case, Justice Scott Baker had been, quote, of the view that software probably is goods within the act. Programs are, as has been pointed out, of necessity contained in some physical medium, otherwise they are useless. It is not simply abstract information, like information passed by word of mouth. Entering software alters the contents of the hardware. However, in the Court of Appeal, a distinction was made between the program, which was seen as an intangible, and the disk with the program, which was seen as the tangible, and it was the disk with the program that was seen as goods. Now, not all commentators see software as an intangible.
It has magnetic patterns, it has electronic impulses. With respect to the patentability of computer programs, Philip Leith points out that in software-related inventions, the physicality of the invention was central to the success of the early UK applications. A physical machine had to be somewhere at the heart of the patented invention. The emphasis of physicality was, in his view, attempting to fit the new technology of software into an already existing mental conception, and the best fitting conception was that of machine.
So let's first have a look at patent law in the 18th century. The role of the judges in the late 18th and early 19th century English courts was vital in the development of patent law. As there was usually no examination of a patent claim before registration, that meant the first real test of the validity of a patent was by the judges if a patentee sued for the infringement of his invention. But by the mid-18th century, patent disputes in the common law courts had been few and far between. There was hardly any patent law to guide the judges. As far as legislation was concerned, all they had was the old Statute of Monopolies from 1624, which had one section on patents for new inventions, and for the rest, a few old cases. This left the development of patent law very largely in the hands of the judges.
The Statute of Monopolies, as its name suggests, was primarily concerned with monopolies. Patents for new inventions formed one of the exceptions to that general prohibition of monopolies. The first and true inventor could be awarded a patent as long as the invention was for a new manufacture and one of the provisions was not generally inconvenient. To be patentable, an invention had to be a manufacture. But what was the meaning of the term manufacture in the Statute of Monopolies?
It was that issue which would bring a lot of diverse judicial opinion to the fore.
Back in the 18th century, the word manufacture was still being used to describe a whole industry. So they would talk of the woollen manufacture and the linen manufacture. And it is possible that this was the meaning that the drafters of the Statute of Monopolies had in mind when they had used the term manufacture back in 1623, at a time when the importation of whole new industries was seen to be very important.
But given the lack of precedent on how the term manufacture should be interpreted, in the cases heard in the latter part of the 18th century, the meaning given to the term would depend to a certain extent upon an individual judge's interpretational style. That style could be predominantly formalistic, a literal black letter of the law approach. Or it could be a predominantly teleological, purposive approach, interpreting the law within a contemporary social context. A judge using a literal approach to the word manufacture would see manufacture in terms of something made by the hands of man, its etymology being Manus Amphictura. This required a thing to have been made. On the other hand, a judge adopting a purposive, teleological approach was more likely to recognise that many patents had been granted for methods already, that these methods were of great value to industry and therefore to the country, and should therefore be equally deserving of protection as was a material thing.
Whether there could be patent protection for a process as separate from a product was considered in great detail in the case of Bolton and Watt & Bull in 1795. That was one of the cases dealing with the James Watt patent for the steam engine. The defendant in that case had been accused of infringing Watt's patent, but it had been argued with the defendant that Watt's patent was not for a mechanical device, but rather for a method. Indeed, Watt had himself described his invention in the patent specification as a method of lessening the consumption of steam and consequently fuel in fire engines. But said the defendant, a method was not a manufacture and therefore could not be patented and therefore there was no infringement of Watt's patent because Watt's patent was simply not valid. In Bolton and Watt's the majority of the judges expressed the opinion that a process could not be the subject matter of a patent. One of the judges, Justice Buller, argued, I think it is impossible to support a patent for a method only without having carried it into effect and produced some new substance.
When the thing is done or produced, then it becomes the manufacture, which is the proper subject of a patent. So, according to that reading, a manufacture required a new physical article to be produced. There could be no patent for a process as separate from a product.
One of like-mind was, for example, Justice Heath.
He considered that the term manufacture covered two classes. The first class was machinery and the second class was substances produced by chemical or other processes. However, the subject matter of a patent must be something that could be bought and sold. It had to be a manufacture, something tangible, a machine or a substance, but something that could be bought and sold.
The grant of a method, he said, is not good. Law Chief Justice Eyre, however, had a very different opinion on this matter in Bolton and Watt and Buller.
He emphasised that methods could be of great value to the development of industry and trade and saw no reason to exclude them from patentability. Given that the patent system at that time was one of registration rather than examination, many patents for method had already been granted. Eyre saw no reason, in his words, to shake the foundation upon which these patents stand. Probably I do not over-rate it when I state that two-thirds, I believe I might say three-fourths, of all patents granted since the statute passed are for methods of operating and of manufacturing, producing no new substances and employing no new machinery. Eyre was aware of patents for new methods where the sole merit and the only effect produced was the saving of time and expense, which lowered the price of the article and therefore introduced it into more general use.
Eyre said, now I think these methods may be said to be new manufacturers in one of the common acceptations of the word, as we speak of manufacturing of glass or anything of that kind. So, as Chief Justice Eyre had considered the term manufacture did encompass a method, but the other judges had not, it was still not entirely clear whether a method was patentable or not. A judge using a literal approach to the word manufacture would see manufacture in terms of a thing made by the hands of man, so he needed a thing. And that was indeed seen as the meaning of the term manufacture by Lord Kenyon in Hornblower and Bolton & Watt, another case on Watt's steam engine, which was heard a few years later in 1799. But Eyre was not the only judge who thought the term manufacture could cover a method as well as a physical thing. Lord Eldon, Chancellor of the Court of Chancery, was of the same opinion. However, more commonly, judges sidestep the issue by holding a process patent to be valid if it included a material component. So any instruments that had been built to put the process into effect would be seen as the manufacture, although those instruments were only relevant to carrying out the process itself.
Legal uncertainty on the patentability of methods persisted into the 19th century. However, Collier, who wrote the first ever legal treatise on patent law in 1803, asserted, a patent cannot be granted for a method or principle. Its object must be some substantial thing produced. Although Collier did go on to note that if the patentee described his invention as a method, when in fact the patent specification showed it was a tangible thing, the verbal inaccuracy would not invalidate the patent. Richard Godson, writing his legal treatise on patents some 20 years later than Collier, and a rather more sophisticated work than Collier's, was less emphatic with respect to the status of a method. That a mere method of making a thing or a process or a manner of operating cannot be the subject of a patent is not quite so clear. Much discussion has taken place on this rule. While Godson, like Collier, was convinced that the simple use of the term method would not itself invalidate a patent if the specification was actually describing something tangible, he doubted that a method in itself was sufficient for a patent. A process cannot be a manufacture within the meaning of the statute, because it is destitute of one of the qualities absolutely necessary to be found in a new manufacture or subject proper for a patent, materiality.
The description given by that very learner Judge A.R.C.J. is not of anything that can be made. There is nothing corporal, nothing tangible, nothing that can be bought or sold. No instrument by which the supposed benefit is produced and which might, as an article of trade, be purchased and used by another person.
The legal uncertainty concerning the validity of process patents was one of the reasons that a select committee on patents for new inventions was constituted in 1829. Benjamin Roch appeared as a witness before that select committee. Roch was a barrister well known for his scientific knowledge. He had appeared as counsel in several patent cases and was himself a patentee. Roch argued that the main source of the problems confronting patent law was the statute of monopolies itself.
The words of the statute, which are extremely well calculated for those times, do not happen now at all to hit the necessities of the present period. The consequence is that the judges are constantly straining the meaning of this act to make it meet the necessity of the times. Thus, it depends on the extent of laxity that a judge will venture to give as to what the law at this particular day in any particular court happens to be on patents.
As Roch intimated, there had been court decisions which had already de facto sanctioned a reading of the term manufacture that was broader than a literal interpretation of that term. And here are a few of them. In the 1820s and 30s, various cases established that there could be a patent for processes involving a new combination of well-known materials. Examples are Hall's patent for singeing off superfluous fibres of lace, Russell's patent for welding tubes, De Rosny's patent for taking the colour out of sugar, and Cornish's patent for elastic cloth. A change in a process which enabled a product to be made more efficiently or more economically had been implicitly accepted by these judges as constituting the manufacture. That a method could be the subject matter of a patent was endorsed by Law Chief Justice Tindall in Cranham Price, 1842, and this case has been seen as finally settling the law on this point. A shift in judicial interpretation had taken place and manufacture could be a process as well as a tangible object.
So, in the 18th, early 19th century, the legal point at issue was whether a process, as separate from a product, could be the subject matter of a patent. By the mid-19th century, a process was not, by very definition, excluded from patentability. But even in modern times, not all processes are patentable. Article 52, 2 of the European Patent Convention, 1973, explicitly excluded certain inventions from patentability. Invented processes excluded from patentability included a mathematical method, a business method, and a programme for a computer as such. A computer programme can be seen as a process, as it is the computer programme that instructs and directs the hardware. The patent legislation of European states, like the United Kingdom and also the Netherlands, was modelled upon the EPC and these exclusions were therefore incorporated into national patent statutes. Yet the legal debate on the patent eligibility of computer programmes would prove to be far from over.
The approach to the protection of a computer programme, adopted in Europe, would be to consider it as a literary work and hence protected by copyright. But programmers often found copyright protection insufficient. Yes, it would prevent someone else from copying the original expression of the source code and the object's code. But it was often possible for a programmer to work around the copyright protection. A programmer could implement a program's functionality in different ways, avoiding copyright. Indeed, the Court of Justice of the European Union has just ruled that only the expression of the source code and the object code are protected by copyright, not the functionality of a computer programme nor the programming language.
In the case of software-related inventions, a patent, on the other hand, would give an exclusive right to apply the idea. So, it's not very surprising that cases involving software-related inventions made their way into court. While it was acknowledged that a computer programme could not be patented, the prohibition in the EPC and the UK Patents Act 1977 only applied to a computer programme as such. The issue, then, confronting the English judges, like their colleagues in Europe, was to determine when a computer programme was only a computer programme and therefore excluded from patentability, and when a computer programme was something more than just a computer programme as such and not excluded from patentability.
In the courtroom discussions on the meaning of the term computer programme, we see a familiar scenario, a diversity of judicial interpretation. For example, Justice Faulkner's interpretation of a computer programme in the case of Merrill Lynch's application was later disputed by the Court of Appeal in the Genotech case. In Gail's application, the Court of Appeal reached a different conclusion than had been reached by Justice Aldous in the Patents' Court hearing of that case. By the time the Court of Appeal heard Airtel and Telfer Holdings in 2006, the Court was able to observe that different approaches had been adopted over the years.
Two different approaches were the so-called technical character approach and the any-hardware approach. The technical character approach asks whether the invention has a technical effect, whether it makes a technical contribution to the prior art. If not, it is excluded. But a technical contribution would make a computer programme more than a computer programme per se.
This was the approach adopted in Gail and Fujitsu and the approach of the English courts was similar to that adopted by the EPO Board of Appeal in VICOM. The other approach, the any-hardware approach, asks whether it incorporates or is implemented by some technical means such as a computer. If the claim involves the use of or is to a piece of hardware, then the exclusion would not apply. This approach had been taken by the Boards of Appeal in a trio of cases Pension Benefits, Itashi and Microsoft Data Transfer cases, although within this trio there were variations of the any-hardware approach. In the Airtel case, Lord Justice Jacob was critical of the state of conflict which had emerged between the Boards of Appeal old approach applied in the VICOM decision and its new approach in cases like Hitachi.
Jacob considered that this change in course by the Board was based upon an incorrect interpretation of what the EPC had meant by the term computer programme. He explained that one interpretation saw a computer programme as a set of instructions which could be written down on a piece of paper. Another interpretation of computer programme was that the term also covered the instructions on some form of media such as a disk or hard drive which caused the computer to execute the programme, in other words a programme in a working form. The earlier Board of Appeal decisions and the decisions of the English Court of Appeal indicated that simply incorporating a computer programme in a piece of hardware was not in itself sufficient to prevent the exclusion. A further technical contribution was needed. The trio of decisions reached by the Board in more recent cases indicated that a programme on a physical carrier was not a computer programme as such because then the computer programme was more than an abstract set of instructions. Jacob, expressing the view of the Court of Appeal, considered that the Board's new reading of the term computer programme was wrong. The exclusion in the EPC was meant to cover not just an abstract series of instructions but also a working programme otherwise the exclusion was without real content.
The Court of Appeal in the Airtel case rejected the any hardware will do interpretation.
The patent's ability status of software related inventions had become increasingly confused. That confusion was acknowledged in the Astrone Clinica case heard in the Patents' Court in 2008. Justice Kitchen reviewed this history of conflicting interpretations.
He pointed out that the criticism of the English Court of Appeal in the Airtel case with respect to recent decisions by the Boards of the EPO In short, he said, the Board appears to have found that any programme on a carrier has a technical character and so escapes the prohibition in Article 52 following Hitachi. But he also made a particularly interesting remark. He considered that the Board was clearly influenced by the apparent illogicality of allowing claims to a suitably programmed computer and to the method performed by the computer so programmed but not to the programme itself. Up to the present day, there is still no one standard interpretation of Article 52 EPC.
Comparing the process disputes in the Industrial Revolution and the disputes on the patentability of computer programmes, several observations can be made. Each statute brings to the fore its own interpretational difficulties for judges. English judges in the 18th century had to develop the legal concept of what constituted a manufacture in the Statute of the Nautilus 1624. English judges in the 20th century had to develop the legal concept of what was meant by a computer programme as such in Article 52 2 EPC which formed the basis for section 1 subsection 2 of the Patents Act 1977. The law relating to the patenting of new inventions was in its infancy in the 18th century. With little in the way of developed law to guide them, it was left to the judges to try to determine whether methods were a manufacture and hence patentable. The dominant interpretation in the 18th century that a physical object was required to constitute a manufacture would give way by the early 19th century as the court's de facto accepted a process could be patentable. So too in the early years following the implementation of the Patents Act 1977, there was no well established body of case law to help judges determine the nature of a computer programme. Judges would disagree upon when a computer programme was a computer programme as such as judges applied different approaches. In 1829, Roch had considered that the statute of monopolies, a product of the 17th century, was no longer in tune with the needs of society. He considered that the legal uncertainty had arisen because judges were straining the meaning of the Act to make it meet the necessities of the times. The same thing could be argued with respect to the Patents Act.
What had the drafters of the EPC back in the early 1970s understood a computer programme as such to be? No definition was given in the EPC as it was left to the Boards of Appeal and national courts to work out the detail.
But the 1970s was an age when computer hardware filled a whole floor and no one had a PC. Back when software was seldom sold but was usually included on large computers or the user simply made his own programme. Back before Bill Gates' Microsoft had brought the digital revolution to ordinary members of the public. Did the courts and the boards back in the 70s and 80s really understand the new digital technology or appreciate the important role that software would play in a new digital world? Is the older interpretation of a computer programme as such from that time no longer in tune with the needs of contemporary society?
If the boards of the EPO in more recent times came to the conclusion that to exclude the programme itself was illogical, this illogicality has arguably resulted in EPO's any-hardware-will-do approach. I would argue that this any-hardware-will-do approach has its parallel in the approach to process patents by English courts in the 18th early 19th century. At that time the underlying question was whether it was illogical to exclude from patentability a method that was clearly of great value to commerce and industry simply because the term manufacture was being generally interpreted as referring to a material product. In determining whether a method fell within the scope of the term manufacture, the approach that would be adopted by the English courts by the early 19th century could be termed the any-instrument-will-do approach. During the early phase of the industrial revolution, only a few judges were prepared openly to treat the term manufacture as covering a method separate from a product. Nonetheless, by accepting any instrument produced that was necessary for the method to be carried out as being the manufacture, a patent for a process could be upheld. Pinning the patentability of a computer programme to some form of material object, hardware, is very reminiscent of the reasoning of the majority of the late 18th early 19th century judges in these process cases. Over the course of the industrial revolution, the teleological purposive approach would triumph over a more formalistic approach to the interpretation of the term manufacture. As Lord Mansfield stated, as the usages of society alter, the law must adapt itself to the various situations of mankind. Methods of use and value to industry would be accepted as patentable. Similarly, with respect to the interpretation of a computer programme as such, a teleological purposive approach will probably triumph over a more formalistic, restrictive approach.
Software has become a valuable item and sometimes that software costs more than the hardware on which it is running. Commentators observe that hardware is becoming of less value than it was to the market back in the period in which the EPC was drafted. Indeed, one commentator has predicted, the time will come when manufacturers will give away computers so as to be able to sell software.
To conclude, English judges in the 18th early 19th century rejected an earlier interpretation of the term manufacture in the light of a new industrial social context. It is highly likely that the judges of the 21st century will adjust the legal concept of a computer programme as such to fit the social context of the digital age.
Copyright protection only extends to the original expression of the source code and object code. That means the way the programme functions, the way it works, is unprotected unless it can be protected by patent. Arguably a computer programme as such may then come to mean nothing more than what is covered by copyright protection. If so, the exclusion of a computer programme as such from patentability may indeed in practice become meaningless.
Thank you for your time. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_gov_schwarzenegger_saturday_night_live | Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke out on the Roman Polanski case this week, saying that he should be treated like everyone else and does not do any special status. here. now with a comment, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hello. hello, Governor. good to be here. Well, we thank you for coming. I'm always happy to be back in New York, because this is a great city, and unlike California, it is almost never on fire. So, Governor, you appeared on Cnn this week, making it very clear that Polanski should not receive preferential treatment. this is true.
I wanted to be clear that in California, it doesn't matter if you're the big-time actor or the big-time producer or the director or jobs of this nature. you cannot do the things that Roman Polanski did with the camera and the taking of the pictures and the pouring of the champagne and all of this, giving of the quaaludes and all of that, getting in the jacuzzi and so on and so forth out there. And how do you respond to those in the creative community in Hollywood who are supporting Polanski? I am also a great fan of Roman Polanski and his movies. I like The Pianist and the Chinatown and The Rosemary's Baby and all of those films. But at no point when I was watching these films that I think these films are so good, I would be okay if the director of these films had sex with a 13-year-old girl.
I did not think this. What of the defense that the 70s were just a different time? Said I was around in the 70s. I also had the sex with the ladies. there was the grabbing and the groping of the hounds and the glutes and all of these body parts, But these were not 13-year-old girls. And I did not give these ladies the champagne or the quaaludes. I did not have to. I would just flex my muscles. this was my champagne. this was my quaaludes. that's a shame right there.
So you would be okay if Roman Polanski went to jail, even at this advanced age. Yes, But there is some good news for Roman Polanski. due to budget issues, the State of California has to release 40,000 prisoners. even if we put them in jail, we could not afford to keep him there. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wow, it sounds like California has some problems. of this, you do not know the half of. in California, there is not enough money. And there are too many fires. there are times when I wished that some of the other states needed fire. then those states would come to California and buy the fire from us. this would kill two of the birds with one of the stones. You know things about in California when you're hoping for an earthquake that will come and swallow up all of the damn fires. Yeah, that is a bad sign. that is a bad sign. In the closing, I would like to say to Roman Polanski, it is time for you to face the justice. And to the people of California, I want to say, if you are thinking of starting a fire, please, Do Not Do This. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_245_Tim_Abbott | There's a lot going on culturally in Australia, more so Sydney more than anything right now. All the winter codes are about to begin. You've got stadium after stadium being built. You've got another state election down there, likely over stadiums again, are they talking stadiums this time? This is the last weekend in March, the New South Wales state election is. I think the big divisive issue this time is poker machines and whether or not the Catholic Church should be invited into our policy decision making meetings in the future. Yeah okay so the stadiums are all built.
They are a deeply twisted people down there in New South Wales. I know they are. And thankfully there's a few, how would you say, tastemakers, cultural curators getting around who are trying to bring life back to the city that was once so fun. The Sydney Olympics era, I remember being down there. It coincides with the first election of Clover Moore in 2001. Look it doesn't work in other parts of the world. You look at dictators, they don't last for too long and those people down there, I believe it to be Sydney, have been living under Clover's caliphate now for 21 years. It's a long time for anyone.
She's killed the city and she's gotten away with it because she's put bike lanes in.
And I think what everyone's looking at, they've got South by Southwest coming to Sydney, they've got Pride, the starting gun has gone off I believe, and they've got all these cultural events trying to bring a city back to life. Some would say Melbourne probably needs a little bit more love culturally after their 300 day lockdown. They don't need to worry at all because they've got the Olympics coming. Sydney needs to get its groove back and lockout laws with around 10 years before the pandemic. So there's a lot of making up to do. One thing we're hoping will bring pride back to our city is in fact world pride.
Today we've got somewhat of an ambassador of the community, be that through the swans, be that through his depraved and hilarious memes online. I'm not going to say his handle, I'll let him say that at the end of the show.
But thank you for joining us, Tim Abbott. Thank you so much for having us. That was such a wonderful introduction. Thank you.
Sorry for throwing so many shots at your hometown. No, no, it's okay. And if you're right, like if you want to make a comeback, you need the guys. And Sydney's trying to make a big old comeback. So yeah, it was, you know, once upon a time we had, you know, Tasmanian girls sitting in the slip in down there in Darling Harbour meeting her prince, you know, the Duchess of... Oh true.
What country is it? Holland. No, it was Prince Frederick, who's the Crown Prince of Denmark. Denmark, Denmark.
That's all the same. That kind of shit could happen in Sydney once upon a time. You were allowed to dream, allowed to believe. It could. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I was at the very cusp of those lockout laws. I had one, I think, or two good years in the cross. And then, yeah, and then complete shutdown. Tell me, did you see the Mardi Gras offer as someone who's, you know, would have been front and centre of that from a very young age, more so than the tourists who kind of come down to Sydney for a look. Young gay man, that meant a lot to you. But it was limping, wasn't it? In the back of the lockout laws. I think so.
And like, I mean, it means different things to a lot of different people. So like, I think if you're like a fresh gay or a new queer person, like, Pride is, I think, for some, their kind of first expression of themselves and their kind of interaction to the scene. For me now, as a bit of a tired gay, I'm like, I don't know, but like, I kind of, I shouldn't say this, but I'm also like, a little bit excited for it to be over.
Like it is such, it's such a big month. It's almost like the silly season, but round two and times 10. It's like the finals. Yeah. How it's like, all of summer is the regular season and then you go into the pressure cooker of the last month of the competition. Absolutely.
And it's awesome that the city is getting behind it. So it's a bit similar to the Olympics where they bid to host. But it's different this time. Can you explain the differences in Sydney this month compared to others, but compared to, once upon a time it was, it felt like one night and then, you know, of course we now know there's Pride month, but what's World Pride?
Give it to us. Yeah. Okay. So there's a few different things here. So Mardi Gras traditionally was a protest for gay rights and that's been running since. Was it 78? Shout out to the 78ers. Yep.
And that's still going on. That's happening on Saturday the 25th. And then that launches the week of World Pride and that's an international scale event. So then that is event after event after event after event. So day parties, beach parties, club events, yada, yada, yada. And that's a whole festivities.
But none of this falls within Pride month, which happens later in the year, which is very confusing. So it's like, yeah, there's kind of three tiers here. And don't ask me when Pride month is. So why? I think it's in June.
It's funny because right around Australia now you're seeing Pride parties. Is this all, is this all related to World Pride? Presumably, but I think they're expecting, I mean, you mentioned the Olympics. I think they're expecting more visitors in the Olympics, which it's hard to imagine that there'd be more interest in a gay week in Sydney rather than a global sporting event. But yeah, apparently they're expecting a million plus visitors in the next week or so. So we've, speaking of sport and pride, we had a guest on a couple of weeks ago. Martin Stark is running World Gay Boxing as part of World Pride in Sydney.
He hasn't been to any of these things, but he's been to a few of the cities in the wake of a World Pride. Have you traveled internationally?
Never. No. No, no, no, no, no, never.
And I, that actually is kind of a big fear of mine. Like it's kind of, to me, I can't, it's great and it's such a great celebration, but I can't wrap my head around making the intention to like travel overseas to like, I don't know what, like for you guys looking in or presumably getting amongst it, like, is there a hetero equivalent?
Like I don't think there is, but I don't think this has been marketed. I don't think Sydney knows a million people are about to arrive, but I don't think they do either. I know. I don't know. And I community and friends and family of the community know about what World Pride is and what's happening. And I think there's been a few preparations with the city and the state government level, but I don't think anyone, I think they're in for a real shock in the next. I think so. And there's a, there's like a couple of trinkets sprinkled around town.
Like last week I saw that the museum has put up a gay shark out the front of them to say, which I thought was, no, it's called progress shark and I got in my story and I was like, for fuck's sake, like the last thing we need is a fucking great white shark like touting World Pride. The progress shark. And everyone was jumping on me being like, That's definitely a museum marketing team came up with progress shark.
But yeah, and he has his own Instagram page and, or they have their own Instagram page.
I don't know. Sorry.
It's like a yuppies dog. Yeah. Absolutely. And then, and then I kind of came back around to it and I was like, it's kind of nice. We've got an apex predator as well. But it feels like, so yeah, and so, and then this year I'm working with the swans. So they're launching a whole swans ambassador, Tim Abbott. Correct. Yeah. You're quite officially now, which is awesome. And the swans are fantastic.
Like they were the first Australian team to walk in Mardi Gras. They've been doing it since I think 2016 or 17 they have a pride match every year with St. Kilda and they seem to do a lot outside of the official day. Like a lot of brands tap in for the month.
Oh yeah. Cash in. Oh yeah.
Looking at you ANZ. Looking at you Optus.
They call that pink washing. Have you ever heard that? Yeah. Okay. Pink washing is a great term. We've got sports washing and we've got beer washing, but pink washing is exactly what happens.
Especially that billboard I saw the other day that said it was Optus pride starts with yes. Sure. Like, I mean, yeah, take, yeah, it kind of looks like a consent billboard too. Absolutely.
And it's also, it's also interesting from marketing, I have a marketing background and like for brands, finding people that look gay or like look queer, like the casting for that. And they're like, we need like a girl with armpit hair. We need a bloke with purple hair, like sprinkle them with glitter and like make it as fucking gay as possible. Whereas like, like the guys that I'm in kind of like, I mean, it's, it's because like you couldn't have, I don't know, Joe blow up there because he doesn't look gay. Like they, it's a weird, it's a weird time because like you're seeing yourself everywhere, but you're also not like, I have this kind of say and like people have wanted representation for a really long time.
That's a word that gets added around the community, but like I'm really big on integration and like I think we'll hit like true progress when like the gays and the lesbians are just like interwoven into media and the public without that being their main identity driver and like that's But the balance is not erasing the spaces you have, like the clubs, right? The club, the clubs will exist, even, even with the community interwoven.
That's a hot topic. That's a fucking hot topic.
And the way I think about it is like, I just want everyone to be having a good time, but a lot of people are very hard on like, I want to go to a gay bar and there'll only be gay men in there. I don't, I don't even want lesbians in there. Like I want gay men in there and that's it because I want to be able to approach someone at the bar.
Yeah. And know for sure that they're gay. Yeah.
Not just a brother of a girl who's on a hen's party, but tell me about the cyclone approaching. Are you nervous? That's another thing that I would like to talk about. Maybe it's a little bit hard to talk about that. I feel like pride and Mardi Gras and all these fun events that the community has also is like the only example, particularly in Australia where hardcore partying is normalized.
Absolutely. Even after like someone wins a grand final, the mad Mondays in the news, like, Oh, that's a bit off guys. Come on. Like, but like Mardi Gras is, it's expected that your gay colleagues are going to be exhausted. Right. You know what I mean? It's expected that there's going to be Sunday sessions. There's going to be this, that. Oh, and this time Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday. Yeah.
And tell me as someone in your earliest experiences of it, did you think maybe this element of like the party's not for me or are you very well capable of doing a month of this? Well, for context, I'm a non-drinker and I haven't drunk in four years and that also includes drugs, but I could get, this is dangerous, but like I think there's a generational thing. I think what I'm seeing for gays that are maybe 30 to 45, they had a very different experience growing up to someone that was, say, post plebiscite. Yeah. Or no, even just a bit younger than I, so like your 26 to 18 year olds who are coming out now, they've had a really different experience in terms of their coming out story and their acceptance. So the kind of gen above me, I feel like really compensate with like hardcore partying, a lot of sexual partners, really toxic behavior. I'm just calling it what it is. Whereas like, I feel like the younger gen have kind of grown up maybe a bit more equal to their hetero peers.
Yeah. They think they can get the white picket fence. Absolutely. Because they, their role models are different, they're seeing different examples of who they could be. Whereas like, I think, and this is my experience, but like a lot of gays ahead of me maybe took advantage of that as like a blueprint to show young gays how you do it, say, so like, this is how we party, this is how we interact with one another, this is how we are sexually active. And I think they took advantage of that. Yeah, right. And they, in terms of, I think earlier on, I think they go, oh, you're new, like, we'll show you the way this is how we do it. And you're so looking from the outside, looking in, I would say it's 100% accurate. And that stereotype exists because it's real.
Yeah, because it is a party. It's a party. But I think it extends beyond the party. I think maybe they think they get like a, a free pass during pride. But my opinion is that like, it's, it's disheartening that it's moved away from the political march that it once was and is now maybe more of a celebration of what's been achieved, which is great. But then on the same thing, it's very self-destructive behavior.
Because if you seriously if you saw someone of any of your friends doing this outside of Mardi Gras, you'd be like, what the fuck are you doing? You know what I mean? Like, if someone had come to you and been like, I've been bendering for four days, you'd be like, you need to pull your fucking head in. Do you know what I mean? Like, we're like, but for during Mardi Gras, people put their hands up and go like, yeah, Oh, they're being prideful. You know?
Yeah. And also the people around them, you know, there's a lot of kind of slack as well because it's your week. It's your week. Yeah. And I mean, I probably come from a different perspective because I don't tap in. But even still, like, yeah, if one of my hetero friends was doing it, I'd be like, they have like, they're off the fucking rails. Yeah. But imagine if you came back from like a box party and it's like, I've been up for two days on the Gold Coast. Everyone else would be like, what the fuck, dude? One hundred. I decided to do it for a week. Yeah. It's like, oh, that's cool, man.
So there's lots of different forces to it. What is it to you? Non-drinker?
I think to me it's an opportunity for, and this is going to sound very Disney, but for all of us to come together and kind of have that moment in the spotlight. And year on year, like I've been going since 2014, but like just the discourse and the conversations socially around people's perceptions of it has changed vastly since I started going. But that might be also like my maturity and me becoming more comfortable with it. But I think there has been a lot of progress made. And this morning, like, so I was with the Sydney Swans this morning. And like, that was a bit of a pinch me moment. And like, I think I couldn't have imagined that as a 16 year old being sitting with the Swans talking about gay inclusivity. So like, there's been huge progress made. And like, that's what I really like about Pride as opposed to, yeah, being white for three days.
Yeah. So tell us about the origins. So before the generation of partying, there was the front liners, the 78ers that we mentioned earlier. Exactly. So what did they do to kind of pull the starter gun on what has now become, you know, a big part of Sydney's face, the Sydney game? Yeah, it's huge. What was it? I mean, I know that they've met backlash, but was there, was it a full blown Stonewall protest? Protests against, I believe police brutality. Right. I'm just talking out of my ass right now.
But the people that were there were arrested and the Sydney Morning Herald published all of their names of those who were arrested and their addresses, which is a huge breach of privacy. Like if that happened to one person, that's fucked.
But I think they did it to like, the whole lot. And then that I think then kicked off the tradition of Mardi Gras. The dykes on bikes are always first to lead the parade, and they're awesome. And it's a nice tradition that we withhold.
But again, like, Because they're on the bus too. They had the 76ers bus. 76ers on the bus.
Yeah.
Because if it's that old bit of smoke, they're getting a bit old to much. They're getting old.
But I'm so thankful and grateful for those people because I guess it allows people like me to live a very safe existence and I'm extremely thankful because the things that I would take for granted in terms of like holding my partner's hand out in public is something that yeah, could have, could have, could have gotten me hurt or bashed. Nowadays, you'd have a very different experience with cops. Not if you date them, but Nah, cops are cops.
So what have you got planned? What have you got?
I'm yeah, I said to this as I was walking in, I'm being a terrible guy. So I'm walking in Mardi Gras, which is awesome. And they've got a couple of players walking as well, which is great. And then their corporate team. And then I'm heading off to Yamba for a week because I just by chance, like purely just by chance.
But like I also live in Darlinghurst in the thick of it. Like I'm a block off Oxford.
So you're Airbnb-ing your flight, that's what you're doing to a cashed up couple from San Francisco. They're going to be staying in your flight.
I should have, but I would have been far too scared about what they were going to do to my house. But I don't think I would trust them as house guests.
Truthfully, like I'm tapping out and I've got friends that are doing back to back to back to back to back to back to back.
Something every day? Something every day.
But like a part of me goes, I don't know if I'm, am I going to regret in 10 years time being like, fuck, I didn't really lean into world pride. But the team that I am today, I'm like, I don't know if any regular person would have the stamina to do that. Are you guys going to get involved at all?
We've spoken in the past about a Batutah float. So I know they're all listening right now. So it's the organizers.
We could do that. Giant hat. That would be awesome. But yeah, we'll probably, if we can find a reason to get down there, we'll have a poke around.
What are the clubs nowadays? They haven't changed. So like your Stonewall, your Palms, your Arc's just made a comeback. So Arc has just relaunched, I think maybe November and they were closed for a number of years there.
Are they going to be in the same spot? Same spot, same location.
Yep. So, and they've refurbed it. So yeah, I guess in preparation for pride, but your Stonewall and your Palms and your Columbian and your Beresford. And my personal favorite is the Imperial out in Erskineville. And that. Erskinevile. Well, that's actually, that's where the Priscilla's bus leaves from. 100%. Out front of the old Impey. If you've seen the movie. Yeah, it is. That's in the same scenes. Yeah.
So iconic Sydney gay venue. Sydney tapestry of the gay and lesbian and queer community.
Would Erskinevile be the working class gays? I don't think anyone in Erskinevile has worked with their hands for 30 years.
It's actually the same as the Heterobold. I would say they're more like arty, creative. In a West guys. In a West. And there's like, you're more King's Cross, Ponzi.
Gotham City. Parkour.
Exactly. Yeah. And then that's probably as far as we extend and then they're just like scattered around the rest of Sydney. Yeah. But there's probably those two. Those are the enclaves? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Surrounding. Isn't one of the lesbians out of Leichhardt? With the Italians? They're in Newtown.
Yeah. I think. I don't know, dude.
We've got to learn all these things over the next month.
I mean, I would have no clue either, but it's funny because like I lived in London for two years and their gay bars are queer venues. So like they have everyone come to the one watering hole, whereas like in Sydney, it's very much gays, lesbians. Like it's, there's not really, except for the Imperial, like there's not really many places where, and that's why I like Pride because it brings everyone together.
Yeah. Well, you've got a lot going on. I don't think the brands are fully ramped up just yet. There's a few billboards. What have you seen? There's a few pubs right around the country that wouldn't usually be, are really kind of selling themselves now to these international. As world pride venues? Yeah. I saw one down, the North Bondi ISL is an official proud, but I was like, really? I guess like, could you imagine the shock when like all these people come from around the world and it's like at six o'clock at night, it's like, oh no, this is where we stand up and do the oath for all the people who died in wars and they're just like, the last post will carry on. Yeah. Well, I look forward to it. Hopefully they can bash some sense into Sydney.
Where do you think most of the guests, and the guests come from all around the world, but where would the sister cities be? It's just, Oh, well, I mean, you're San Fran, you're Barcelona, you're Amsterdam. I think London, like your major cities, gays flock to major cities probably because they're more accepting and more, I don't know. Barcelona was a surprise as a queer capital, but I guess they've always been a very kind of eventsy. I feel like the Europeans are just quite gay in general. So yeah, all gay friendly.
So like, yeah, I'll be interested. I don't, I just don't, I'll be really interested. I'll touch base after the event, but like, I just don't know how it's going to be different to a normal Mardi Gras, except because people still come internationally for a Mardi Gras.
A million people though. Well, that's what they're anticipating. Accommodation's done. I know that much.
You cannot get...
Maybe I should rent my house. I don't think, I don't think there's many rooms available for the next couple of weeks.
I love how he's playing it cool. Like, yeah, I'm going to Yamba. I think there's going to be a backpedal very soon. Absolutely. There might be, I mean, a lot of backlash, but it's interesting cause like I...
It'll be nice at Yamba now cause there'll be no fucking kids. It'll be nice and quiet. Off season Yamba.
I guess that's just more me, like, like I don't, I don't know. Like I even, I'm, I'm turning 30 this year, but like I would just be retiring the clubbing days anyway. And I, I, I, I'm shocked that there are gays in their forties and fifties that are still partying as hard as when they're 18. And I, when I, when I used to like party in London, I used to meet some people of that demographic out and go, that's awesome. That's sick. And then, then I kind of reflect on it and I'm like, that's actually kind of sad. It's like, I don't know.
We'd done a story on the Batutah advocate, which got a bit of traction around Mardi Gras, which was, Oh, I might go down for a look, says middle-class gay, who is also a liar, might not, might go down. I feel like anyone, I mean, you've obviously got the concrete plans in place to get out of the city, but I feel like even the adjacent friends of this community are going to be in the thick of it because I just think everyone's underestimating the scale of what's about to hit. I mean, the cyclone, the cyclone is great terminology because I think that's exactly what it will be.
But I think there's also an unspoken group within this who probably won't have any involvement at all. Like I have gay friends that they're not anti it, but wouldn't be caught dead walking in Mardi Gras just because it's not for them. They don't feel it's necessary. They don't feel the urge.
Young liberals and stuff. Very much my demo, but they, but then also then you have allies or people that just think it's the best thing ever and want to get involved. It's really not, it's not a, like one brush can cover all its approach. Whereas the media would make it out to be like, you know, that every single gay man will be down there.
Yeah. Cause I just don't think it's the case. Yeah.
Well, there's a lot going on outside of the partying. There's pride sports, there's a lot of arts and and I guess film kind of showcases going on around the city.
Have you got any friends doing anything great? Great question.
I mean it mostly surrounds drag queens. I think they become the unofficial spokespeople for pride and they, there's something on every single day. Does Sydney have a drag brand? How about Priscilla went around the world?
Yeah, I think so. I think we certainly have an aesthetic that's probably closest to like your, your Sheila tuck shop lady. That's the kind of shtick that most of them do. The kind of like, yeah, rough as guts. I think they like that contrast of like bloke, demeanor in a dress, fabulous, but still a bit ocker. You know what I mean? Still very Priscilla. I think that heavily influenced particularly the Sydney drag scene, which is great.
It's hilarious.
When it comes to pride events, it's mostly, yeah, that pool parties. Yeah. That sort of thing. But I don't have any friends personally that are hosting events like, I don't know, Joel Kreese is doing a movie premiere, but yeah, but that's all on every night. Yeah.
Well, it's a shame that you're getting out of it. But as you said, that's, um, you know, different horses for different courses this, this next month. And then of course, pride month that comes, were you hoping that I was going to tell you that I was going to be going from class? Well, I thought that you'd be hosting some sort of swans, super gay football match. So that, that happens in June for pride month. We'd love to host it. Absolutely. But, um, yeah, there's not like, unless I'm extremely out of touch, like I haven't, there's going to be a huge influx of people, but I don't know outside of the normal Mardi Gras and the kind of like beach party thing, I don't know what else is going on. Well, we're starting to hear the rattle now of the brands. But I reckon we'll see it in the next couple of days. There'll be, everyone will be, um, painted up. There'll be two gay FM. We'll be getting money out of gay TMS.
Did you say the glam pole? The what? Glam pole and pole has gone gay and they approach, they approached me to do some sort of brand content.
And like ethically I was a bit like, well fuck, I don't want to work for like a oil company. Like that's a bit like, and I was trying to explain to them like pink washing. But me and my friends are joking and being like, how the fuck do you sell petrol to the guy?
Like do you enjoy guzzling with a glam pole? Like it's, he's still waiting on a Tesla. Use us in the meanwhile. Absolutely. Like, I'm in two minds about it once. I go, yeah, it's, it's great, but I go, fuck, like if a petrol station's clamming up for Mardi Gras, you're like, when do you like, what, like, how do you justify that?
It's all, it's all happening. Well, thank you for joining us. Thank you so much. And, um, and to all the gays out there, enjoy it. This is your Christmas, as the Boomers would say. |
dropout | all_nighter_09_bathroom_attendant | Before we go in. Ray and Caroline.
Awesome. Alright. Whoa. What the fuck?
Who are you? I'm the bathroom attendant here. Why have we never seen you before? I work nice. Nobody's here.
Yeah, funny story. I used to work days, but I tried to make a couple extra bucks doing a little glory hole gig out of here and everyone's like you're not allowed to do that. Women aren't objects and I said come on it's the nineties. Let's have a good time. It's not the nineties.
Long story short, it's a union job, so I got tenure. They can't find me, so they just moved me to the graveyard shift.
You got really big thighs. Oh yeah, thanks. I do squats and deadlifts at the Y in the morning. Work out a couple of firefighters. Number one and number two.
I don't want to drop a Lincoln mug like a lumberjack or piece some lemon-lime Gatorade like your name's LeBron James. Is that an expression? I've never heard of it.
It's a rhyme. It's a rhyming couplet. It's a poetry. I do a little poetry here.
So which one of you guys got to go first? Yeah, we can tie it. So why don't you go first? A little one. I'll watch you first and you go and say hi. I can go by myself.
You can go. You're right. But if you go at the same time, open the doors up. I got a little, it's visual stereo.
Look man, I just have to pee. Oh good. You got to drain the main vein like Saddam Hussein. That wouldn't rhyme. Let me finish. Like Saddam Hussein's son Uday. That doesn't rhyme. Wait, wait, wait. Come on real quick.
You guys want some hairspray. Spray it in your hair. Make it look nice. Nope. Got air fresh in your hair. You can spray it in the towel. Breathe it in. It gives you super strength. That's how you use it.
I can give you guys a candy. Yeah, I'm gonna take some candy.
There you go. Cool. What's that? That's my dick. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. I'm gonna grab a Kit Kat off the top. Yeah, that's fine. They're individually wrapped like my pecker. Okay. Well, thanks for coming in here. What the fuck? This is the girl's bathroom. Yeah, sorry, sir.
It's just that the guy's bathroom attendant is way creepier. He's even creepier. Even creepier.
Yeah, sorry. Were you looking for this? I know this is yours because it's your size. Remember, I measured them. Thanks, Lamar. What does that mean? You measured. Be right back. Guys, just do my job.
Ooh. Hey, tips are appreciated. Ooh. |
dropout | best_friends_in_rom_coms_are_all_alcoholics | Do you know who just dumped me? Out of nowhere. And one day we're talking about getting a starter dog, then he breaks up with me. He just out of nowhere?
Siobhan, listen. We are putting down our work.
I am getting us a bottle of wine and you and I are getting drunk, okay? Are you sure you have that review later? Screw my review.
I'm your best friend. Best what friend?
And that's what friends are for, okay? Oh, thank you. I feel so much better. That is what friends are for, okay? Great.
Ugh, it's from my friend Dara from the deli. She got in a fight with her husband Dean from the deli.
Oh, no. Give me a sec. Dara, I am getting in my car. I am grabbing some wine and we are getting drunk. Bye, babe. Aren't you already drunk? Hey, Sarah, listen. It's Cassia from Girl Scouts in the 80s. I saw your post. I know you're hurting. So I've got a bottle of wine and we are getting drunk, okay?
Call me back with your home address. Kisses.
Katie, how was your drive in this morning? Look, I don't want to do this. What? I'm just asking about your drive. Don't be weird. Okay, fine. It was a little traffic.
So, Katie, we are dropping everything.
I've got a bottle of wine and we are getting drunk. What the fuck? Look, it's fine. I've got a bottle of wine. I don't actually need it.
Thank you. No, this is all good. You too. Shit. Mike, it's gonna be fine. Okay, it already is fine.
Well, we are getting a bottle of wine and we are getting drunk. Stupid pen. Okay, we are getting you a bottle of... Let me guess. Wine.
I got a bunch of good ones.
Oh, how'd you get that tiny purse on your finger? Oh, um... Okay. If it's just us, then I will admit that I did slam my finger.
I'm here for you, Mike. I was at another crisis, but I'm coming for you, buddy. I got a bottle of wine. My friend is here for you.
Okay, Siobhan texted that she couldn't find the top to her chapstick, so...
No. This is an intervention. You have a problem. You all feel it this way? Sorry I hurt you all.
So we'll get a bottle of wine and just... |
dropout | camp_boys_vs_girls | Way to go, girls. OK, girls, huddle up. Marcy, you've got to start making some saves. And Luisa, stop getting scared of the ball out there. But they kick so hard.
Well, do we want to win or do we want to lose? We don't want to do either. We're scared and we want to go home.
Yeah, this is like way too hard. Dammit, ladies. This is bigger than that. We have to show these boys that we're just as good as them. What's the matter, girls? You got to change out your tadpoles because you stupid periods. Yeah. Come on, you got it, babe.
No mercy, ladies. No mercy.
Hands in. Periods are not stupid on three. One, two, three. Periods are not stupid.
Oh my god. Are you OK? I don't know what you're doing. I can't breathe.
Time out. Seriously, time out.
I don't know why I'm running. I can't really see.
Wait, get in. No, don't run away.
Oh my god. I think your back's broken. Her back's broken. This is going terribly. Oh my god. Ow. What the fuck? I'm going to reset it. Stay still. I felt it. Oh my god.
Wait a minute. We're supposed to kick it. Dude, he's coming. I don't know what to do.
Pass it.
Yeah, suck it boys. Yeah. That's one. Flying P like in that fucking movie. This is how you do it. Way to go girls. Fuck up.
Look at it.
We're going to do it. We're going to win.
Fuck up your dick. Time to die. Yeah.
We won.
Way to go girls. Way to fucking dick. Come on. We're so powerful.
Kick him. |
dropout | this_rapper_is_revolutionizing_ad_libs | Hey guys, we teamed up with adaptive studios to make a really weird mockumentary about six musicians trying to make it big It's called downbeat. Here's an episode. We hope you like it Creativity can come from anywhere. It's people that try to rank it label it Qualify it what's real art and what's not? What is it that you do? Well, I'm an ad-lib artist, which means I Punctuate a hip-hop verse with the oh, whoa, you know anything to like give it that extra flavor.
I'm here I'm a fixer Artists come to me when they need that glue like something to hold it together What does your wife do she's a pediatric neurosurgeon Which is great for me because she works nights So that frees up my days so that I can do what I got to do from home. Where is she now? She works days, too Yeah, she works a lot. I Think that's what drew me to her initially because we're both workaholics very passionate about what we do for society There it is Hey, that's my inspiration wall right there.
Did you know that juvenile says the word? Yeah 126 times on bait that as a an axe Shit, I know we all remember the first time we heard DMX bark as if he were a dog This is the mixing board Don't touch none of these pots. Oh Bernie Were you touching this? You can't stay mad at a face like that.
Those are real aim shares. I'm still paying for those or Denise's.
Oh Oh Do you feel that the energy changes this right here? You're on a hollow ground You might want to take your shoes off cuz God walks here.
So how did you two meet we met online? On our first date.
I thought this guy is truly something special, you know Like one of a kind and then Bernie came along and I discovered how great of a father he is So, what do you think of his career? People always balk at things. They've never heard of you know, there's a fine line between a fool and a genius and Morris He very well could be a genius Denise Are we out of pudding? Are you packing Bernie's lunch Yes, I was in a real hip-hop group for a little while we had some success, but I Just felt like written lyrics were too limiting I just wanted my mind to flow just do stream of consciousness like Right off the top of the dome style type stuff. So it's more freestyle rapping No, I wasn't good at that neither But what I was good at was ad libs and now five years later I'm almost through with my debut album all ad libs You Ain't never heard a record with a hundred percent ad libs. That's never been done before Who they calling stupid now Did someone call you stupid? Ain't calling this money stupid But when you say they who's they no doubt I think He's out of their mind be honest with you I think he is but that's that's why we're friends we we got different opinions It's fine. I mean to have a whole album for the ad libs Yeah Okay, so it's my man Tony he stopped by to do a real session you pay me and shit so You know, I just real quick show y'all how one of these goes down So my man here already laid down his lyrics listen to that real quick So as you can see that needs a little help and then that's where I come in magic time baby Party You I'm going what you doing Oh Another monster man, yeah That's what I do. That's what I do master piece right there. Yo, but did you hear my new album? No, it's all ad libs, bro.
You gotta check this out How many trucks do you have on this album Third thirty thirty what thirty? Thirty two. Well, I mean we're not we're not set yet. I got it's at least like thirty songs at least thirty songs Yeah, yeah, so each way. Hold up thirty songs full of avenues.
Yes, I am prolific I mean, you know, you could see some for the next time They'll keep coming See what you working on this Man, so, uh On Saturday we plan on having like a little cookout or whatever You're invited bring your wife bring, you know, whoever you want. My daughter's gonna be here We don't just bring the picnic tables out and have like the neighborhood kids and stuff come by maybe get like a bouncy house It's something like that. We don't have you know, obviously a whole lot of things.
Yeah He liked it Did you see yo, that's my man's right there he liked that Looking clean bro. Thanks. That'd be 30. Oh, no, that was just for the cameras, bro You know what? I got you this time. You give me every time I cut your hair Haha Tony took all of it. You hear that shit. Fuck. He took all of it.
All my ad libs he stole for this shit You think I'm stupid you think I'm stupid fucking Ah Got him you see that I didn't think I was recording this shit Please written down and copyrighted BAM looks like you got a case the hell. Yeah, I got a case Every ad lib I ever invented. I wrote copyright right by it. Should you call the Copyright Office? Yeah, call the cop the copyright Wait, the copyright all is a is an office though You are currently injured can't believe this shit So that was my lawyer they over there getting suited up for legal battle Tony don't know he fucking with I mean have you heard this song? I mean, it's got my ad libs on it.
So that's hot but like Tony's lyrics I mean, it's whatever right? What are the comments say? They love it I Knew they would I knew they would I knew that they would like it. Oh shit. That's probably my lawyer now Hello, oh Do you want to hear my side do you We're on the same team Yeah, I ate the pudding |
dropout | jurassic_park_character_s_awful_realization | What do we do? Just keep calm Lex. She can't see us gonna move. Alan, we have to get these children to safety. Mr. Janero, take this flare and distract the T-Rex. What?
That's suicide. Nothing's gonna happen to you. I promise. Wait, wait a minute. I'm only here to die, aren't I? Of course not. You're a very important character.
Oh yeah? What's my first name? Umm... It's...it's... Copsio... Martha? No, no, that's her female's name. It's definitely a mom.
Harvey! Donald! Right!
And you are as important to this story as the rest of us. The lawyer? Really? And what are you?
I happen to be a world-renowned paleontologist. I know more about dinosaurs than anybody on the planet. Thank you very much. And you? Paleobotanist. Also extremely knowledgeable about dinosaurs. I'm a chaos theorist.
Well, that doesn't sound so important here. You take the flare. Yes, but I was the one who questioned the whole meddling with nature thing. So naturally I'm gonna stick around and rub that in everyone's faces. Oh, great. You're the comic relief. Give me a break. Well, obviously you two aren't going anywhere. You're children.
I'm also a computer genius. How can you be a computer genius?
You're 11. Good idea. Being mean to children, that will help you stick around for a while.
Mr. Gennaro. David. Donald.
If I'm going to have any chance of learning to love these children, I'm going to need you to help me save them. Well, if you love the kids so much, here, you throw the flare. I don't exactly love them that much yet.
But you will. Oh, great. Now, you two are an item.
This just keeps getting worse and worse. I said it from the beginning. This whole thing is a mistake.
Just save it for the ending. No, come on. Listen, there's got to be a better way. I mean, if we just all put our heads together...
Wait!
I'm the only one here that knows the park's layout. Oh, no worries. We'll just wing it.
No, wait. Hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm an excellent luck picker. You may need someone like that later on. Actually, the luck's a computer operated, so...
Hold on.
I am the children's real father. Is this true? My father's name is Howard, and he's in Portland.
Oh, by the way, Malcolm, we're going to need to mess your leg up so that you're laid up for the rest of the movie. Didn't think you'd mind. Sorry. No worry. I know I'm only funny in small doses. |
cracked | explaining_all_the_santa_clause_movies | I can feel the Santa power coursing through my veins. It's like eggnog. Yeah, it's not going to work, string bean. What do you mean? I put on the coat. Fair as fair. Nope. We added a new clause. Now you have to recap the entire Santa Claus movie timeline to truly become Santa. Well, it is Christmas and I'm feeling jolly and maybe a little horny. So, whatever. Let's do it.
Normally, I sleep naked. fuck. Naked.
Right from the get-go, the Santa Claus makes it clear that this series is as much about childlike wonder as it is strict adherence to legal precedent and the binding power of contracts. Like, let's have fun, but also let's not get crazy. They demonstrate this by showing the movie title in both strict sans-serif font and also whimsical serifs all over the place Christmas font. And then presenting every subsequent credit with both fonts to remind you that this fun kid's movie could get shut down if somebody crosses our lawyer. Barry. Anyway, this is all displayed over a raging office Christmas party where some guy named Scott Calvin did a really good job marketing and selling a doll.
And his boss speaks into an SM57, which isn't something you can't use for vocals, but it is really, it's really more for electric guitars and snares and generally louder and or more, you know, percussive instruments. An SM58 would make way more sense.
Scott comes up and says some words and jokingly points out some burgeoning intra-office adultery and then drives back to his house to meet his dumb kid for Christmas Eve. He calls his ex-wife while on the road and claims that he'll be late because he's stuck in traffic. Which is a lie. Kind of like Santa. But the bigger issue is he apparently drank too much at the party and nearly misses the exit to his own home. Scott also drives past a kid with some really fucked up ears.
Well, I mean, you know, it's an elf, right? Oh, that's, it's an elf.
So his ears are weird. That's all it is. He thought I was just like shitting out some kid, like some kid with like a gimpy ear and like, yeah, fuck that kid.
He eventually shows up and his son Charlie is like, dad, thought, sorry to stay with him. And Scott's ex-wife Laura is like, I mean, yeah, he's their dad. And Charlie's new stepdad, Neil sits in the car and says nothing, but just sort of waves in that judge Rinaldi way.
And then Scott asked Laura to come inside, but she's hesitant because they're in a rush. But then agrees and once inside, all they do is fight for five minutes about how Neil told Charlie that Santa wasn't real. An issue Scott wasn't aware of before inviting Laura inside. And then she leaves. So why did he want her to come inside? Why was she willing to come inside?
Was he making a play? Scott, you dog. I thought I'd stuff some stockings. We then learned that Scott sucks ass at cooking.
So he takes Charlie to Denny's, which clearly paid a lot of money to be featured in the movie. Everybody likes Denny's.
I mean, they're really targeting the sad single dad demographic and also maybe the affluent Japanese businessmen demographic. You know, this is truly a two quadrant film. It's an American institution. But so they eat whatever trash Denny forced upon them and go back home.
Before bed, Charlie wants clarity on whether Santa is or isn't real. And Scott says, sure, he's real. But realistically believing in something pretty much just means believing, regardless of whether there's any proof or reason to it. And you heard it here first, Santa Claus is cute. And that's good enough for Charlie.
So they both go to sleep when Charlie is later a rosin by quite a bit of clatter on the roof. Santa is apparently delivering a washing machine or a Bowflex because he is making a shit ton of noise. You think after however many millennia he know how to be quieter, but whatever, Charlie goes to wake up his dad's hairy legs.
Scott immediately runs outside and scares the shit out of Santa causing him to fall off the roof and literally die just bleeding out all over the snow like a Belgian citizen in the Battle of the Bulge. Scott wastes no time looting the corpse looking for ID in front of his young son because I guess Scott can just tell on site that this man has very obviously shuffled off this mortal coil and there's no point in calling an ambulance. In his pocket, Scott finds a card that says he should totally put on the dead guy's suit. While Scott's reading the card, the corpse slowly waves goodbye, disappears because isn't that magical?
It's a Festivus miracle! Then a ladder appears and Charlie and Scott realize our frigged deer on the roof. Before Scott can stop him, Charlie is up the ladder and rubbing his hands all over the wild animals. Scott runs up there too and one reindeer farts because Christmas. And then they sort of accidentally end up in the sleigh in the deer take off. They drive at street level past a truck and seriously, this is the least stealthy Santa crew ever.
Surely more people would believe he exists if he's this loud and conspicuous. But anyway, they end up on the roof of another house and Scott is literally freezing my nubs off out here and he wants to go home in part because he's clearly tripping balls and some powerful, powerful acid. But then Charlie pulls some child of divorce to Christmas' guilt and convinces Scott to put on the suit. It's too big for him because Santa is husky, you see. And Scott mentions how he hopes the house he's about to enter has a tailor. Which is funny because he's not husky, you see. And also, he starred as Tim the toolman, Taylor, in Home Improvement. He then picks up the Santa bag but then oh sh** the bag becomes a balloon and it sucks him off down the chimney of this random house. On the way, Scott suddenly suggests that he used to do drugs in the 60s, which is again funny because Tim Allen, in real life, is a convicted cocaine dealer. While dicking around in the stranger's house, Scott gets shot at and almost eaten by dogs because this is still American, damn it. He then gets sucked up the chimney and into the sleigh and escapes to exactly one house over.
Okay, spoiler, Charlie believes they enter some sort of time continuum that breaks down what Santa's going to sleigh. Where time basically slows down or stops long enough for Santa to deliver all the presents in a single night, but as far as we can see, Santa still experiences time in exactly the same way. So, let's do some quick math that also, yes, we did another video but none of you watched it so shut up. In 1994, the year that the Santa Claus and Ronald Reagan's Alzheimer's were released you might have to make a speech in your pajamas.
There were around 5.7 billion people on earth. Of those, approximately 23% were children making a worldwide total of about 1.3 billion present eligible monsters. However, we know that not every kid makes the nice list and from what little we see in the movie, it's suggested that about two thirds of kids are good, assuming that Veronica wasn't a real tally and just Santa being horny. Veronica, very nice. Also, not every kid celebrates Christmas because not every kid is raised in a Christian household or worships the god of materialism. Christianity has hovered around one third of the world's population for the past hundred years or so and that drops us to 287,430,000.
But we need to add in non-religious revelers, which we can estimate by saying 1990's America was 85% Christian, though 96% of Americans claim to still celebrate Christmas. So, we can add an additional 13% back in. If we assume that all Christians in the world celebrate Christmas and we assume another 13% of non-believers will celebrate as well, we're now finally left with 400,660,000. But now, here's where the math gets even crazier.
The global average fertility rate is just below 2.5 children per woman. So let's assume that's the number of kids per household and assume all naughty kids live in clumps of houses and trailer parks and... is that too bad? Which all in all means 160,264,000 households are native deliveries. If we assume it takes Santa an average of 5 minutes of travel and delivery time, which feels like an underestimate, but he's probably pretty efficient at this point, his yearly deliveries take 801,320,000 minutes or 1,525 years.
Maybe Scott Kalman didn't murder Santa, maybe Santa faked his death or killed himself to escape this endless torture. But anyway, back to the kids' movie. Scott delivers a kayak and apparently a live puppy, and our parents not suspicious of these gifts? Would you think it was weird if a stranger left a kayak for your 5-year-old? Would you wonder how a dog ended up wrapped under your tree?
No?
Then you must be in a Santa movie. Anyway, Scott and Charlie finish delivering presents and may or may not be flying around in broad daylight, but I'm gonna ignore it, because suddenly they're plopped down in the North Pole. A wee boy comes out from behind a mound of snow and accesses a keypad... thing, and types in a code that causes the slate to descend into an underground yuletide layer full of thousands of children. You know, because if it wasn't password protected, who knows how many creepy old men might accidentally stumble onto this underground toy workshop full of unaccompanied minors... in the middle of the North Pole?
I mean, you can't just motion censor that shit. Anyway, Scott and Charlie quickly run into an oversized Jewish child, who sort of seems to be in charge of the place. Excuse me, are we on a coffee break? And that's unfortunate, because this kid named Bernard is legitimately a complete asshole. These are where Scott literally just became Santa a few hours ago. And you'd think Bernard would understand if the man had a few questions, especially when Bernard reveals that the card Scott read actually has a ton of literal fine print on it, and says, I quote, And putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waves any and all rights to previous identities, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus and perpetuity, until such time that the wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design. Confused? Well Bernard sure isn't, because he literally yells in his new boss's confused face. You're ridiculous, I'm going to put on a suit just to- Try to understand this! That's how few shits Bernard has left, for some reason. The only clue as to why he's such a monumental Christmas dick is that he mentions he's very old. Even then, surely this isn't the first new Santa, right? I could Scott some slack, holy shit! To blow off some steam from all the yelling, Scott almost shows his penis to some toys, definitely shows his penis to a half dozen children, and then flirts with an 8 year old.
Then Scott gets all tuckered out and falls asleep. He wakes up the next day and assumes it was all a dream. Even though Charlie assures him that it wasn't, and Scott is still wearing the pajamas despite From there, the movie devolves into a will they won't they with Scott trying to decide if he is actually Santa, like Charlie believes, or if he's just a regular convicted drug dealer like the government believes. It begins with Charlie adamantly telling his class his dad is Santa, which plants a seed in this kid's mind to maybe murder Scott?
But it really starts going downhill when Scott gains a shocking 45 pounds in a week. His doctor is like, ah, well you've probably been eating too many cookies, which is correct. But 45 pounds in a week isn't cookies, that's a tumor, that's a murder attempt, that's like eating three elves in one sitting. Something is horrifically wrong.
Also, the movie acts like he's this obese glutton when on the scale he's 192 pounds? What skinny ass nerds wrote this movie?
And yet here the doctor is mocking Scott's moobs. Scott's face also magically sprouts copious amounts of unshavable white hair, meaning, naturally, kids everywhere start trying to sit on his lap and tell him what they want for Christmas, including another kid with real fucked up ears. Laura and Neil are horrified and easily persuade a lawyer to revoke Scott's custody of Charlie because, I mean, Jesus, look at him. Laura and Neil also share a little heart to heart where they each reveal that they stopped believing in Santa because he didn't give them some cool shit one Christmas. Kind of a sad and deeply twisted look at materialism, but also why didn't Santa give Laura a mystery date game, or Neil his Oscar Meyer weenie whistle?
Back orders? Supply chain down due to a global pandemic we may never know.
So now, suddenly child free and ready to mingle Scott sort of accepts his life as a sad shity bringer of cheer, which includes apparently not questioning why he's receiving unannounced packages. They turn out to be full of the naughty and nice list, but a big part of this movie is how cool and technologically savvy the elves are. They got keypads on the North Pole and shit, and yet they couldn't think of a digital way to email the list. It's 1994, not ancient Greece. Even if Scott doesn't currently own a computer or email address, they could make him one or something. Making shit is their whole thing!
Santa then arbitrarily ascribes niceness and naughtiness to some children and, uh, women, again, in such a flippant way that I guess I just have to be nice to every old man now? It's presumably final decisions on only one interaction, so I better respect my elders and or seduce them with short skirts in case some random creepy dude on the street is secretly Santa! Give me your dreams, playboy.
Uh? Scott then, I guess, just decides to defy the court order and head straight to Laura and Neil's house to say goodbye to Charlie. But I put that in quotes because what he actually does is kidnap Charlie with Bernard's help without warning Laura or Neil in any way. Uh?
And then they go as a goddamn lunatic who thinks he's Santa, came in and stole their child. Happy holidays! Ha ha! So then they go to the North Pole and update the sleigh and shit with some sick-ass nineties tech like a cookie dispenser. And then they hit the open skies to deliver presents and continue to never tell Charlie's parents where the hell he is! Ho ho hostage!
Of course, the cops are all over Laura's house, so as soon as Scott slides his chubby ass down the chimney, they grab him, call him fat, carry him in the weirdest, most awkward way I've ever seen in a movie and take him downtown for questioning and or torture. Probably gonna eggnog board him. I wish we'd be so proud. Of course, this is the second part of the cops' plan. Their first idea was to arrest every mall Santa they could find, including this black guy who obviously doesn't fit Scott's description. But ya know, why pass up the opportunity, ya know? He probably did something. So then the interrogation happens and the cop makes a big deal of wanting Scott to say his name is Scott and not Santa, but he doesn't, notably, ask where Charlie is. You know, the kidnapped child. In fact, at this point, this should be an FBI case, right? What are these schmucks even doing? Well, the interrogator gives out because Santa is one nut too tough to crack and the elves send in their version of a SWAT team to bust him out of jail because you can't spell ACAB without like tensile or some shit. Scott then goes back to the house because I guess the cops stopped watching it for some reason? And he gives Charlie back and now Laura finally believes, I guess, because Santa gave her son back. That he kidnapped.
You know, despite this, the mom is actually a pretty great actor. Especially for a kid's movie, so that's nice.
Anyway, Scott's gotta go finish delivering shit to greedy children and he tells Charlie to stay, but Bernard gives Charlie a dumbass snow globe that's like a pager for Santa. If he shakes it, Santa will come back and give him an N64 or something. Then the big boy SWAT team busts in, but Santa's already gone. But not entirely because he flies over everybody's heads and they all see him and A, I can't believe that people still doubt his existence and B, he's lucky that one of those SWAT guys didn't just pump Comet's a**hole full of lead. Charlie then subtly threatens to murder his dad one day. And then 11 seconds later, after his dad leaves, Charlie shakes that ball because I guess he needs an extra controller and Scott comes back and abducts him for one last time. But at least this time it's with Laura's approval, or at least kind of, because she tries to impose some rules about not traveling internationally or being too dangerous and Scott laughs it off because he's Santa, b***h! He does what he wants!
Hey, did you know that two out of three non-Elvish men will experience some form of hair loss by the time they're 35? But that shouldn't affect me too much now that I'm about to be the very immortal and extremely hairy Santa Claus. Well unless somebody kills you and steals your power, and then once you go bald you never go back, no matter how many whiskey-laced eggnogs you put in your stomach or rub on your head.
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The second movie begins thrillingly with a gas plane flying around in the North Pole looking for gas? Is that a thing that happens? Well regardless, this is a big problem for Santa and his elves because the plane is able to hear them doing stuff and you know, what if the plane discovers them? Like what would happen if they heard jingle bells or whatever? Nor I'd invite Santa down to Colorado before the big night.
But really, I'm asking, like what are they gonna do, drop a nuke? Melt the ice caps?
Eh, how do ya, elves? The elves go to Elfcon 1, haha, get it?
And Santa and Bernard grab this 900 year old child named Curtis who is evidently the single loudest dancing Santa doll of all freaking time just wriggling near his groin area. They silence the toy that can be heard through 25 miles of ice and the plane flies away with the three men on board promising to never tell anybody about this, presumably because it makes for an extremely boring and shitty story. Scott and Bernard refer to Curtis as number 2 and ask if he goes pee-pee with the elf handbook, which to me says this dude is the closest thing we've ever gotten to a sexual character in the series.
Not now. Beggars can't be choosers.
By the way, the budget seems through the roof this time around. The North Pole's gotten a major visual overhaul including stained glass windows that just spit in the face of Santa's main seasonal competition. You know, Jesus. They probably earned the extra money from the elves working just so hard. Just hammering random shit that clearly doesn't need to be hammered. Also, there's a new shitty reindeer named Chet who is... ...challenged. For a moment it appears that Santa might murder all the elves in a football game but instead he lets the little children win and celebrates with them, which would be sweet if they were actually children.
But again, Curtis is 900 years old and Bernard is super old and my understanding is these are all fully grown and extremely old adults. Why do they tolerate being patronized by this man who to them is the equivalent of a three month old? Also, a pile of adults giggling is kind of sexual again.
I'm not falling for your thirst traps, the Santa Claus 2. Smash cut to Scott's son Charlie who has grown into an incredibly talented graffiti artist, a mediocre criminal, and a lackluster poon hound in equal measures. Also, Charlie is somehow on the naughty list despite not even getting to first base? God, Santa is straight. Oh, and just to raise the thrilling legal stakes of this franchise, it's revealed there's a second, much smaller font, almost certainly non-binding, clause Scott unknowingly agreed to that says he needs to get married by Christmas Eve or he'll no longer be Santa. This movie is set 8 years after the first one, so why does this clause only come into play now? Why does Santa 8 years to find a wife? And how did nobody notice this before now? Also, can Scott not just retire and pass Santa to somebody else? The movie claims kids are like 83% happier with him as Santa or something which like sure, shit on the last Santa's grave why don't you? But wouldn't retiring be easier than trying to trick some poor woman into sitting on Santa's lap for all eternity? Santa brings some of these concerns up before the Council of Legendary Figures which includes a canonically PMS-ing mother nature, a mildly homophobic tooth fairy, an Easter bunny who is apparently on the council because of his legendary fucking I have 33,000 offspring and also Cupid, Father Time and the Sandman.
You know, all the legends. The big seven.
They offer no real advice to Santa so Curtis steps in and builds a functional cloning machine with Triple Duran and creates a literal naked-ass toy version of Scott who can run things at the North Pole while Scott crashes at his ex-wife's house in the hopes of making Charlie less naughty and himself much naughtier. The clone looks pretty plastic but apparently he's got most of Scott's memories which presumably includes all the time Scott went down on Charlie's mom. Also, he's apparently a stickler for rules and unfortunately hot cocoa interacts with his body in a very cocaine way, a very pre-famed Tim Allen way. Maybe that's why he beats the shit out of the elves in football. Anyway, Scott's back in the real world but Bernard warns him that he has a limited amount of magic left in his substantial buttocks and if he uses too much magic, you know, elongating his penis before a date or whatever, he won't be able to return on the pole. Stakes! I believe this scene was the inspiration for Trump saying it's bad to exercise because everybody has finite energy like a battery.
Right? Oh, and Scott has a niece now in case you were worried that Neil and Laura weren't having tons of unprotected sex. Her favorite thing is feeding Chekhov sweets to comment. Nobody feels great about Scott's chances to land a wife so soon because it took him three whole years to propose to Laura.
What a loser! Speaking of, he goes on a date with a woman who's a little out there but otherwise seems kind of fun and interesting but then she sings a little too publicly and he makes her feel bad so she leaves. Losing. Speaking of losers, complete dweeb Charlie won't stop spray painting pro-Christmas propaganda everywhere and his sexy principal threatens to suspend him until Scott suggests maybe just give him community service instead.
Welcome to Camp Green Lake.
Unfortunately said community services immediately crashed by some dudes in a car-blasting anti-Christmas new metal. They should be nice enough, not it, cause it ends in those karate. Who referred to the kids as gangbangers because, well I mean I don't know what the kids are into. Whoa!
Anyway, Scott came along to watch his son perform the manual labor and he and the principal named Carol flirted a little bit. And then Scott kind of flirts with the little girl, promising her he will personally guarantee she has a good Christmas. And this is right in front of her mom. Is she not freaked out by this stranger promising things to her child? I mean he doesn't even look like Santa anymore, he looks like Tim the tool man pedophile. Well that should hold you down in court Marshall. But Scott correctly deduces that creepy interaction made him look awesome in front of Carol. So that night he shows up to her house unannounced to invite her on a date. How did he get her dress?
I'm clear!
Is that creepy? Again yes, but nobody seems to mind.
Then Carol invites Scott to come along to the staff Christmas party. Scott takes her there in a minivan that he magics into a carriage so he can hopefully later on one horse open slay some puss. The party starts out lame but then gets really rockin when Scott pulls out gifts for everybody because nothing brings more joy than materialism and things. You need things for happiness! In particular Scott gives Carol a toy that makes her very uh, inclement in her uh, nether regions and the two share, I don't even know if they actually kiss but they get real close.
They're like... Oh by the way, the Santa clone? He's become full Hitler, he's got shock troopers, he's gonna give every kid in the world cold because he's determined they're all naughty. Yay! The North Pole now looks like a concentration camp. I love kids movies.
But whatever, Charlie basically catches his dad with his dick out at Carol's house which makes him sad. And then Scott makes Carol sad by claiming he's Santa which he shockingly doesn't believe. What? In the big moments earlier they'd sensually change each other's sweaters off screen. Curtis flies from the pole to warn Scott we're officially at the dark night in the soul portion of the script and Chekov's sweets come back into play because Comet is now fat as shit and even his ass power won't be enough to get them back to the North Pole.
So instead they try to contact Chekov's tooth fairy by yonking one of Scott's teeth so they can hitch a ride. This fails but thankfully the niece's tooth falls out on its own. They grab the tooth fairy and ride his ass to the pole but again our parents not weirded out that their kids get money for their teeth that they themselves are not handing out. To be fair the tooth fairy was only going to give her a quarter but to be even more fair that was in 2002.
It's like a hundred dollars in 2021 money. We are post big short.
Meanwhile, Charlie convinces Carol to fuck his dad. Good boy. Ha ha. Charlie. You dog. Scott and Curtis get to the North Pole and are immediately caught but then Charlie deus ex mykeen is onto the scene thanks to having ripped out one of his own, presumably adult teeth, and then they plus the elves make like the French Resistance and just start massacring toy soldiers that may or may not be sentient feeling creatures.
Fitter. Happier. They do kind of look like Reese Witherspoon. This has been a long time coming.
Evil Santa tries to escape with Cole on a sleigh but Scott frickin flight 93's his ass and causes the sleigh to crash in the middle of town. Christmas is safe. Oh it's not quite. Scott has to seal the deal before midnight. So he proposes to Carol even though it's not exactly a fair decision on her part since the fate of Christmas literally hinges on her willingness to exclusively have sex with a man who will immediately transform into a fat hairy piece of shit as soon as she agrees to do so.
Eat.
But then she does. And then he does. And then she does too.
It's a real marriage of Sir Gawain scenario. Except they both end up ugly. One year.
It's all good because Santa tells her they're going to have a three month honeymoon with which to figure out how to line their naughty bits up real nice. Scott says they just can't go anywhere tropical because Santa hates his body too.
I guess. It's the most relatable thing about him. Oh and Nazi Santa is forced to live as a subservient dancing toy for all eternity because Santa is in Tifa. Apparently.
Kill me in the name of. Man it's cold in here. It's like Jack Frost nibbling on my toes. That is not the lyric. Kicking on my pantyhose. Knifing a bunch of hoes.
I don't think we're allowed to say that. Nothing on my bros. God no. Are you going to finish the last movie or not?
Fine. Jack Frost nibbling at your nose. Oh I love it.
The third movie immediately flexes its 50 million dollar smaller budget by showing us a North Pole town slash area slash gulag that seems larger than ever before. What happened behind the scenes that caused this movie to get such a budget cut?
Speaking of budgets that should be cut, we see Mrs. Claus running a school for children that are literally old enough to be Thomas Aquinas' grandfather. But sure, I bet she has a lot to teach them about Jamestown or some shit. And what do you know one elf immediately says I don't care about any of this shit. So Mrs. Claus decides to spend the rest of class relaying a fun anecdote about the time she pushed a whole human out of her vagina with approximately 11,000 old children watching.
Except, whoops, apparently her story begins with a misfire because she's not actually having to keep yet. It looks like we're about to get a very How I Met Your Mother style story. You know, one that takes a decade to finish. We then see Mrs. Claus and Mr. Claus hanging out in front of a fireplace sure to permanently traumatize and mentally scar their soon to be more child.
Then Curtis bursts in the room and has very clearly aged. That's not what elves are supposed to do. Is Curtis said a impostor? And where the hell is Bernard? Curtis mentions that he is now number one. Is Curtis secretly just an awkward 13 year old pretending to be an ageless elf and actually murdering the real elves? For what purpose, Curtis? What's your end game, you sick shit?
Anyway, for the time being he just wants Santa to know that they're behind schedule on toy production and also the council of legendary figures wants to hold an emergency session. Presumably to decide if they want to declare war on Christmas because father time is a liberal probably. Whatever, Mrs. Claus is feeling a little bummed of because she hasn't seen her family in a while and she claims she's tired of short people, which to accommodate her need for family and full size adults, Santa agrees to bring her parents in North Pole, but they'll need to pretend that it's actually Canada because the in-laws can't know what they're actually doing up here. As if living in Canada would somehow be blessed.
At the aforementioned legendary meeting, it's revealed that Jack Frost, who I guess has been on the council this whole time, has been illegally attempting to get his own holiday off the ground. They want to suspend him from the council because of the aforementioned holiday thing, but also he's been screwing with the weather and causing it to snow in the Amazon, which they mention is an afterthought, but wouldn't that, like, massacre the local environment and possibly knock over the first domino that could eventually culminate in the extinction of all life on earth? But no, yeah, nobody wants to celebrate Frostmas. Jack Frost doesn't want to be suspended because, I don't know, what does the council even frickin' do?
Unclear. I suggest maybe instead of being suspended, he can instead become an unpaid intern for the super stressed out Santa, which, as a former unpaid intern myself, I can confirm is that fate much worse than being suspended from the council of legendary figures. Let me tell you. Santa says sure, unpaid internships still aren't illegal for some reason, so why not exploit some yuletide labor?
Then inexplicably, Santa leaves the North Pole to hang out with his ex-wife and her family for a bit. They mention 300 times that they're behind schedule and the pregnant Mrs. Claus is feeling neglected, but Santa still finds time in his busy schedule to not bring his wife so he can chill out with his ex-wife for a bit. Husband of the Year. While there, Santa gives Charlie a snowboard and is guilted into bringing his niece Lucy back with him to the North Pole because she really likes snow globes. Which they have at the North Pole, and also everywhere else in all of existence. And also Laura and Neil get to come because they're good friends with Mrs. Claus, and also they've never seen the North Pole? Even though Scott has been Santa for 12 freaking years? Why have they never been? What a dick. Santa was so excited by his upcoming trip, he just flashes Scott his tits. Oh, okay, apparently Scott was also picking up Mrs. Claus' parents because that's one of those things that you have to do manually and set up with magic because, you know, they need more scenes.
He brings along the Sandman to drug his in-laws so they won't know they're not flying to Canada. And Sandman does knock them out, but then he goes to sleep himself because he's sleepy. And while Santa's away, the elves will attempt adultery, as I always say, and Jack Frost unsuccessfully attempts to hook up with Mrs. Claus. Then he switches to Curtis, and the two share a little chatware, and Curtis reveals the existence of an escape clause, because these movies are John Grisham-esque legal thrillers with as much action out in the snow as in the court. Curtis can't reveal too much, though, because of the Elfland Security Act, because again, these movies are very silly, as are emergency powers granted to fight terrorism.
You think you can put a good word for me and get me off the naughty list this year? But Curtis still explains that all of the Santas throughout history have had their own personal snowglobe, right? I mean, you knew that. What you may not know is that for some inexplicable reason, if a Santa fondles his own globes, and specifically wishes he had never become Santa, then he'll travel back in time to the moment he murdered the previous Santa, and can now, I guess, choose to not murder him, thereby altering the sacred timeline and probably getting knifed in the back by Loki or some shit. Jack gets frosted tips at the thought of tricking Santa and renouncing his blood-soaked girdle, and behind his eyes we see a scheme of foremen.
Also, here he is contemplating infanticide. But then Santa returns with his unconscious in-laws, and everybody is kind of weirdly excited to see each other, and I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Even weirder and sadder, the series is 12 years old, and all these actors have clearly aged. Christmas movies shouldn't force me to ponder my own mortality, but here we are. How much worse do I look for when I started making these dumb videos? Oh, God.
Anyway, Neil does yoga now, which I guess is like being a family counselor, and Jack sabotages the workshop. Jack also attempts to hook up with Santa's mother-in-law, and comes dangerously close to sealing the deal and unsheathing his ice pit. This all really stresses out Curtis, who never knows what to do with his gangly arms and huge hands.
Then the family goes to see the terrible El Fermary. Ha ha ha ha! El Fermary!
Where Mrs. Claws will presumably one day soon crank out that baby. But her dad decides that he needs to be in charge of repairs, and to that end, he starts slapping a hammer against a piece of wood at random. He will fit right in.
Then Santa's ass literally catches on fire, and some fire elves run in. But they're way less awesome than their name implies. But they do a great job of blasting Santa's hot ass. And this gets him so excited, he hoses gooey blasted ass over to a work station, and creates a new toy that's apparently a rocket scooter, and will almost certainly result in the accidental deaths of thousands of children this Christmas.
The holidays? They are saying. Then Santa takes Lucy to see the secret snow globes, because why not? Weirdly, there are like 50 snow globes in there, indicating at least 50 Santas. That's actually kind of a lot of turnover, right? Do they ever retire, or are they able? I already mentioned how being Santa involves being trapped in a kind of time mind prison, so maybe they're just killing themselves?
That's dark. But anyway, Jack sneaks in behind them and steals Santa's personal globe. But Lucy sees this, so Jack basically murders her parents. That's dark too.
And despite the fact that it's literally Christmas Eve, and truly the busiest day of the year for Santa, Mrs. Claus keeps being all annoyed and disappointed that she's not being paid more attention to. Like, I get that it sucks that he's busy. But after tomorrow, he gets a three month vacation.
You'll be fine. Sim knows you won't, because Jack tampers with the Christmas tree and causes it to fall, and so Mrs. Claus essentially tells Santa they are dumb. So Jack takes Santa on a walk, and Santa's like, yeah, I guess it's over.
Pretty insane how quickly these two jump to absolute worst case scenarios, like 12-year-olds dating in middle school. They're literally days away from having a child.
Everybody calm down. If anybody could use Neil's services right now, it'd be them. Whatever.
Santa is ranting about how bad his marriage is, and how disappointed he was in the fourth My Chemical Romance album. And Jack somehow manages to trick Santa into holding his globe and saying the magic, I want to quit words, and then grabs ahold of him as the two travel back in time. They land outside Scott's place just a few minutes before he murdered Santa all those years ago. But before Scott can kill him, Jack screams at Santa causing him to slip, and then grabs the dead man's coat there by becoming the new Santa. Scott returns to the present where he's reverted to his old ways as a business boy working on Christmas Eve, a la The Family Man.
Scott grabs the keys to his objectively pretty sick ass car and drives to Laura's house to say, hey, and I guess find Carol something. But unfortunately, Laura's looking raw. And she's a witch. And she and Charlie don't give a crap about Scott. Also, Charlie wears cargo pants now, so you know things are bad.
Even worse, Neil is taking Lucy to the North Pole, which is now a theme park. And also, Neil and Laura are divorced. They did still manage to have sex in exactly the same time and place and position to reproduce the exact same Lucy.
But after that, things just went downhill without Scott's careful guidance. Christmas is going to be canceled.
So Scott hops on a North Pole Airlines flight direct to the North Pole, which is actually a pretty incredible achievement, right? Like Jack has somehow made the North Pole hospitable for all humans? That's amazing. Good work, Jack.
Except, oh no, he's also made it commercial. If last movie Santa was a fascist, Jack Frost's version of Santa is clearly a dirty capitalist. Hell, parents can now buy spots on the nice list for their kids. Wait, so the entire planet knows that Santa's real now? And nobody has invaded the North Pole or anything? Is that good? If Scott fixes everything, could he live a normal open life of Santa? That never gets addressed, but it doesn't matter because Scott's Santa is apparently a communist Santa.
And he decides to seize the hell out of the means of pole production. Before he can, though, he runs into Neil and Lucy. And Neil literally blames Charlie for his divorce, which is sure to strike a positive chord with children of divorce everywhere watching this movie at one of their many Christmas days. But anyway, Curtis hands Santa a voice recording pin, which probably won't be useful later, and then settles in to watch an evil cabaret-style performance by Jack.
Except, like, people seem into it. Stop spreading the news. The elves are bored by it, but all the kids seem happy. Is that not the point of all of this?
I don't know, but Scott convinces Lucy to sneak away from her dad and steal a snow globe because even if Scott isn't currently Santa, he's still good at convincing children to do things they almost certainly shouldn't. Lucy, trust me. He causes a distraction by smacking a bunch of people in their penis regions until Lucy gets the globe and throws it to Jack, who catches it while Scott plays a recording of Jack saying out of context that he didn't want to be Santa anymore. And look, I don't know much about magic snow globes, but that feels real arbitrary. They should build these things to work on intent. And or maybe just don't make a personalized magic snow globe that can ruin your life forever if you say the wrong thing while holding it. Why did Jack even make a snow globe of his own?
If it happens automatically, he should have hooked it in the ocean or something. Nobody should be more wary of that thing than he is. Destroy it! No.
However, the dumb plan works and they travel back in time again and original Scott kills original Santa for a third time because I guess Jack forgot about his magic frost powers that he could use at any moment to overpower Scott. And also, since this is their second time revisiting the scene, shouldn't the last version of themselves be there now too? I mean, that's how Jack became Santa, which is presumably the moment we're traveling back to. I mean, an accurate version of the scene would include three Scots and two Jacks, okay? You're breaking ranks, Ranger. Anyways, Scott chastises Jack that Santa isn't something you can take. You have to be chosen, which is categorically false because Jack literally took it for 12 years and also Scott himself originally just stole a coat from a dead dude. Anyway, Jack dies.
Just kidding. They just get blasted back to the present, which is still technically in the past because remember, this entire story is being relayed to the elves in school. Hey! And Scott heals all the familial wounds and decides to show the in-laws his workshop and reveal his twisted secret. They walk in and they're all amazed, like they'd literally already been in here, right?
He didn't say it was Santa yet, but then he dies and I'm like, cool, whatever. They meet a bunch of legendary figures and also the Easter Bunny also tries to bang Santa's mother-in-law.
This is a hot item. Wrap that shit up in a bow. Yum!
But there's still the matter of thawing out Lucy's parents who apparently aren't dead. So Santa again convinces Lucy to do something kinda weird and she goes and hugs Jack, which causes him to thaw out and become Jack Jalapeno or something because he speaks Spanish there for a minute. Dos patos de nuertos, plop-plop-plop. And this new spicy Jack thaws out Neil and Laura with one last bit of body horror. Maybe we'll just warm things up a little around here. Then they have a group hug and squeeze so hard that Mrs. Claus is finally able to squirt out her baby. And now, finally, finally, we're back in the classroom and Santa walks in with a child he calls Buddy, which kinda might imply that it's the kid that Santa stole from the orphanage in Elf. Maybe Mrs. Claus is barren. I don't know. Mary! |
CrackerMilk | our_honest_thoughts_on_cyberpunk_2077_ft_noodle | hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk hello everyone and welcome back to another episode of the cracker milk shut the fuck up that's my that's my time i get one moment and you don't get to take well i mean punch him in the head well we're joined again by some fucking nosy cunt noodle and he's back no well that different sort of nosy oh like a dog yeah noodles a dog can't fucking don't fucking punch him tom look i'm gonna be honest mate we love what you do we love your work um we love you we love your literature and most importantly we love the stuff you're putting on the internet we think you were okay i was i was joking when i said don't lie to me but don't fucking go what i do in literature that's no no we were just talking about your um earlier writings um during oh oh right right sorry i know the ones i'm just gonna get a bit sentimental but there was a time um where i was walking down the street and someone asked me for a lighter and i said no and he said all good mate but it wasn't all good mate he actually king hit me in the back of the skull and i was stuck in bed for weeks on end and all i had noodle were your video game donkey videos so um today i just want to like from inspiration you know that's that's that's really it's really relatable because there was this one time i was on a podcast and i was just trying to like welcome everyone in and then i got punched really hard in the head yeah might happen again take it easy man it look you know like hey hey tom we're good tom it's all right it's all right this is me look at me tom it's all right i'm fucking touching it i'm sorry tom i'm sorry i'm sorry this is so fucked up because i was going to say that the only thing that carried me through getting punched was watching elias on cracker milk the podcast but they say never meet never to meet your heroes and yeah yeah yeah what is it about elas that you don't like well i mean he's a fucking furry hey i never said that i was noodle i never said that i was you don't need to say much man we can smell it on you anyway i want to talk about one of the best games of the year decade in fact 2077 2077 i hate that yeah i love that game cyber skunk who's recently came out by cd project orange and let me tell you something it is it is i've got some problems with it and i watched crow cat's 45-minute video on the topic and i think you'll find it's pronounced uh crow b cat don't you ever fucking interrupt me while i'm talking about crow okay okay welcome back you're in a mood today you're in a mood what hi why are you two fists up has cyber skunk got you worked up yeah i'm worked up we'll settle down and we'll just talk i'll review it later yeah i think we should hit record on our youtube video and if you didn't know audience youtube videos are made live so we're going to hit record and this this video is going to be called why cyber skunk 2078 is a problem okay hey machinimas we're here with video game hi machinimas uh we're here with video games fucking christ that's it tom that's it tom it's all right tom tom tom don't you fucking don't you fucking do it yeah hey hey now you've got noodle with his fist up noodles angry he's got his fist up i have mine comp in the other hand oh shit in my other hand we don't want to turn this into a fist bump this is a friendly family-friendly channel all right i don't want to mess with video game donkey all right we're here with video game donkey and we're reviewing cyber skunk 2077 it's the biggest game of the week and let me tell you something i think it's fucking shithole cunt and let me give you a analytical process why but first let's go over to some pros with noodle noodle what do you like about the game i like about game very good graphics yeah being able to look down and see your legs in the game like not many games actually have that because you look down you just don't see anything but looking down you can actually see your legs it makes very immersion breaking you're part of the part of the game yeah not many games have legs yeah now now i've got a question to ask all of you don't want to know who i am i'm julk jogan and i'm a video game reviewer from uh down south in melbourne uh so you want to hear my opinion on the reflections yeah go for it julk jogan yeah man so what i liked about it was when you looked in a mirror in the game you could see how long your balls were and i pride myself on my long balls did you feel really like like um represented in the game yeah i felt heard i felt seen with my long balls being reflected right back at me and you know what my balls are longer than your balls mate i hey i'm not arguing with that mate hey noodle show me your balls it's not long enough uh here are the in-game balls did i need to know this is very important did you choose penis one or penis two in cyber skunk i chose penis through mate the one with long balls that was actually yeah that was a pre-order offer you could only get it if you pre-ordered yeah he has to go into eb games or game stop and say hey man i've got long balls and they give you the long ball edition it's basically a game disc but the disc is two discs attached to a big long sling slinky that brings me to a really good point um and that is the representation in the game um because i remember in the character creation i personally was disgusted at the inclusion hear me out of fursuits but i thought to myself i know a bloke who's going to love being able to play as his true self oh he's right here isn't he yeah and do you want to go on do you want to be covering his eyes with shame your thoughts i just i i i'm really impressed with the character customization of this game you can really uh you know choose your true self yeah what do you mean by that what's specifically about that for me it was long balls yeah what's it well for me i went with the cyber skunk they're just the classic character because i really felt like that's fuck man no one no one plays cyber skunk bro that's your true self that's kind of like a toxic masculinity thing yeah um you know what the fuck man wait wait toxic masculinity anyway my long balls are longer than yours can i can i just ask i like just after the character creation process like when you first get into the game you have a decision of going with the nords or the imperials which ones did you go with because i i think that really affects the game i ignored all of it and i just went straight to our career oh you went straight to our career how did you get your five gp to get through the game 10 gp nah i went straight to our career and i went up to our career and i said get me in get me in please please and they said why and i said man with long balls is chasing me down man yeah he's chasing me the fuck down and i saw dunkey he was recording a machinima on the other end and he was giving hot tips on how to maximize your gp and i said noodle noodle it's me it's me connor let me in and he sort of just like spat at me and told him to fuck off and we'll talk about it on the podcast so i'd like to bring up the first thing which is yeah why did you not let me in our career noodle what the fuck man what the fuck is our career i i'm so lost never played runescape in his life never played runescape mate i have not played runescape that's all right we'll move on fair enough different i'm so sorry no it's okay that's all right but you tell us now then later cyber skunk 2077 yeah that brings me up to my next point which is the quests yeah that's really important in a while mmorpgsti i really liked the quest where um i got in the car and i it's really immersive and i drove to um an office building and for eight real hours i filed other people's taxes fuck that was a good one yeah and i just love the choices do you file it based on color code or alphabetical order and i just i honestly honestly i was there for hours trying to figure out which one my favorite part of the game was being heard and seen yeah and so what made me feel heard and seen was the quest where they say hey get in your ute and you got to slang your long balls in the back of the ute tray oh right fat doughies big skids and get onto the work site as fast as possible that's sick yeah before the boss like slages you yeah because if you lay to the work site he fucks he misses and then steals all your mother energy drinks that's really rude yeah yeah i'm more pissed about the mother energy drinks than the wife i can get hurt anytime but my mother energy drinks they'd sold out of the frost berry and i bought 50 slabs and he stole them all so i see being able to do that in the game and get it right and not have my frostberry stolen super immersive it really made me feel like i was in there yeah see the quest no you go mate oh yeah no no i was just gonna go my favorite quest is the one where um you have to dress up as a goblin and there's two factions of goblins and you have to try and bring peace towards the the two different colored oh yeah i'm glad you're going again with the runescape yeah yeah not knowing where runescape is no that's part of cyber skunk 2077 yeah we all played it i don't know what you're talking about noodle i got a question for you mate now i might sound a bit weird but i feel like not only did you did you play the game and love it but i also think you might have had a hand in developing it um now the reason i believe this is because of this one strange uh quest where um it gets weirdly specific about your um interest in mineconf yeah i did do that um i also did have a hand in the uh the uh the goblin uh mini game that you were talking about the two shades of goblin and you know choosing whether you can bring them together i was uh i was a big proponent of having the choice so that you could you know not bring them together um i just i i love that sort of going for like a segregation yeah i i just so you got books and stuff but this book's about a lot of hate and a lot of like fucked views from the 40s that's really a matter of perspective and right but to be pushing those in this day and age how about we give some final reviews for the game i completely read my mind yeah why don't you start uh jolt jogen yeah so it's me jolt jogen here from melbourne and that's sort of my perspective on the game is that i'm from melbourne and when i played the game i really felt like i was from melbourne and i could flip my big long balls into the back of the u-tray yeah what rating what number were you i'd give it at least seven balls out of ten that's those are long balls might i add and what about you notes what do you think look i honestly really enjoyed the game i just i kept restarting the game and just playing that goblin quest and then choosing different options you really like that i'm shoehorning it into everything yeah no i am really proud of that's all i've got i think he's bringing it up though and but look i i i love it because i like the different options that you've given in there it's really you try all these different areas these different avenues you take but it always ends in massacring the goblin race and i just i love that i thought that the ray tracing wasn't tracing the rays well enough and i just wish that they spent more time on tracing rays and less time on ai world building quests secondary quests and a playable game i wanted to really be able to see the ray romanos yeah like if i do not see a faint ray romano in the reflection there is not enough rays being traced is there i saw the stingray that killed steve erwin in there once but that was an easter egg and you saw that yeah it was an easter egg man oh my god some really good rays in there yeah anyway um noodle what do you think mate um you know i've heard a lot of complaints about you know uh treating workers fairly and like you know making the game actually function uh like like a like a video game would but i think you're really breaking new ground here in uh talking about the real issues of uh you know adding more graphics and more goblin into the longer balls and longer balls yeah do you think that we'll see see this in the new version of uh cyber skunk 2077 which is cyber skunk 2078 that's what yeah you know i was about to make that joke um but it just felt like it was too easy so i'm really glad that you uh very good very good i really want to high five you noodle yeah animate the high five goob it's important uh thank you for noodle for joining us again thank you he's back again uh who are our patrons uh this this week on the podcast uh they're they're all uh cyber people they're all in the cyberpunk sorry the cyber skunk extended universe full version available on our patreon and you guys have a beautiful time goodbye everybody bye |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cup_noodles_breakfast_flavor_89_year_old_named_oldest_surfer_snl | Apple has launched a new feature called pay Later that lets users spread out payments for apps over the course of six weeks and this is also launched. My new favorite insult yo Mama's so poor She put candy Crush on layaway after a recent chemical spill in the Delaware River. Philadelphia officials say the city's drinking water is finally safe unless it's being handed to you by this Philadelphia like safety precautions. Cup Noodles has introduced a new breakfast version of their instant ramen that mixes the flavors of sausage, maple syrup, pancakes and eggs. The flavor will be called mom Left.
I like this crowd a lot. Man, yeah yeah, me too. I breath. An 89 year old Japanese man has been recognized as the oldest male surfer ever. He truly embodies the surfing lifestyle because every part of his body hangs loose.
New York City is expected to end the winter with the lowest snowfall on record. you lying son of a bitch. New York City Fire Department rescued five children who got themselves lost in the Staten Island sewer system. While it's hard to believe that a place that filthy and disgusting also has a sewer system bill, The Bear has introduced. Bill The Bear has introduced a new Ru Paul doll and honestly, after a few beers I would. New York City officials announced that they will stop calling the city's park bathrooms comfort stations and will instead call them the more accurate stank shacks. Doctors in Nepal saved a man after he inserted a water glass into his rectum for sexual gratification and it got stuck. But I think the man actually felt positive about the experience because he said the glass was half full. The first legal marijuana dispensary owned by a woman has opened in Queens, New York. Unfortunately, they had to shut down because she couldn't open the weed jars on her own. A sperm donor in the Netherlands who allegedly fathered more than 500 children is being sued for increasing the risk of accidental incest among the kids. Accidental incest is also the title of the worst American Pie sequel. |
SaturdayNightLive | snl_digital_short_two_worlds_collide_ft_reba_mcentire_snl | Oh! spent a long time comin'! two of the world's greatest! America's sweetheart, Miss Reba Mcentire! how you doin', Andy? we about to take it to the top! hit him, Reba! haters in my face tryin' to keep me down, but you know we keep on shinin'' Two crazy big stars from opposite worlds about to set this track on fire. Yeah, she's the Queen of countries. She's a comedy prince, makin'' somethin' out of nothin'. We hooked up in the studio to make this song, but it's usual when we end in a. no doubt, flashback to when I first met Reba sitcom Dressin' Room puffin'' on. Cheeba said I was a fan, she said prove it, dropped her denim skirt and said hop to it.
Made love all night, more like the. kids bangin' on the door, tryin' to interrupt. but them autographs can wait, cause this is way too strong and I can't leave it alone, because so f*** is the bomb. Well, once I get the bomb, and that's a fact, but these end works, keep on trippin'. Okay, so I stay on my grind and drop these heads cause I can't go back to strippin'.
You're my undercover friend and you're my best friend, but our families don't approve. That's right, cause I'm a city boy and I'm a country girl, and I'll never leave your sweet balls blue. Hey, because a girl like Reba's got just what I need. with big broad shoulders and a red-ass weave and a penis. Damn, she fly. All she wanna do is bump me, I'ma look you, my friend's thick, I should dump her. They said she's a man and found a wig and it dumped her. Your friends are smart, nah, Reba's just jealous cause I'm dating a star instead of hangin' with the fellas hangin' like my nuts. Word up to just my eyes. They can't believe that I could pull Reba Mcintyre.
Yeah, ever since a penis. I looked in the doctor and saw a wig and thought, hey, brother, I'm gonna take this. So I put it right on and took a stroll right over to 30 Rock.
I saw Eddie Semberg and he thought I was Reba and I made him suck my dirty So they unite, two worlds collide, we the new body and glide from haystacks to madebacks. Our love will survive for Reba, I'll ride till the day that we die. I'm Reba! |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_cj_rossitano_on_winning_the_snl_ticket_lottery_snl | Well, a lot of people ask me how to get tickets for Snl, and one of the ways is through the ticket lottery. Here to comment on his experience, winning a ticket to the show is 18-year-old Cj Ross-atana. fan of the show. in fact, you could say I've always felt strangely drawn to it.
Well, thanks so much for coming. are you here with your mom and dad? I wish. I never met my dad. at least, I don't think I have. Oh, wow. wow, yeah, I'm so sorry to hear that. But it's such an honor to be here, Mr. Collin, and it's so close by. me and my mom live right over on 47th and 5th. Oh, wow, that's funny. that's where my former housekeeper lived. accidents, Collin. cat's in the pillow in a Silver Spoon. little boy, little boy. So, so your dad's not in the picture? No, my mom never even told me his name. she just said he was known as El Diablo Delos Hamptons. Wow, yeah, I don't know. he sounds misunderstood.
Well, I don't know much about my daddy, Mr. Collin, except that my mama said that he has an unusual penis, just like mine. unusual how? Small and curly, like a pig's tail. Yeah, I've heard it's called a porcine penile maladaptation, and it's actually really common. one out of every four billion people have it.
So, two people in the whole world? And the cats in the Pillow in a Silver Spoon? Little boy, little boy. my mom says I'm getting more and more like my daddy every day. I'm not even allowed to have a phone anymore because I was taking too many up-skirt photos. But I've had some luck, too, like I'm dating this gorgeous girl who's the lead actress in all the school plays, and no one can figure out why she's with me. never happened to you, Collin? nope. don't you sometimes just feel like you're better than everyone else? there's no reason to feel that way. And the cats in the pillow in a Silver Spoon?
Anyway, thanks for the tickets, Collin. I love the show, especially that Sarah Sherman. Listen, she may be way too loud, but after she blows that one line in a sketch, I love watching her walk that dump truck ass out of the studio.
Favorite view in the city, Amigo. well, it has been great having you, son. I mean. what's your favorite food? One, two, three, cocaine. my son, everyone!
We get update on Collin's show. I'm Michael Scurrying tonight. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_biden_s_classified_document_scandal_george_santos_lies_snl | It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
George Santos is facing multiple investigations for lying about nearly every aspect of his life to make himself appear far more successful than he is, earning him the nickname Instagram. Of all of George Santos' lies, my favorite was that he was a standout volleyball player for Baruch College. Now, that is a fine thing to be, but an insane thing to pretend to be. Like, that's his fantasy? like, it's like asking a kid, what do they want to be when they grow up? and they're like, I don't know, assistant manager at Kohl's. George Santos, seen here with two people he listed as professional references, was described by a fashion expert as being able to get away with his lies for so long because he was well-dressed. this guy is well-dressed? he looks like he's trying to steal clothes by putting them on over what he wore into the store. And not to be a bitch, but can we talk about this look? I mean, a blazer over a half zip?
Girl, not at my yacht party. A drag queen. A drag queen who claims she performed with George Santos said that George did not have the glamour to be a professional, but she said another drag queen in Congress is absolutely slaying as the character Marjorie Taylor Greene. Earlier today, the Fbi searched President Biden's Delaware home and found six additional Obama-era classified documents. worse, one of them was Obama's real birth certificate. it was hidden in a copy of Black Tail Magazine. the Biden classified documents scandal and the Trump Classified Documents scandal are very different, but they do share one big thing in common. they both make Hillary Clinton want to blow or goddamn break down. It would have been so funny if they searched Biden's garage and he had Hillary's server.
Florida Governor Ron Desantis has proposed a new policy permanently banning mask mandates and vaccine requirements, saying, when the world lost its mind, Florida was a refuge of sanity. Then everyone in the crowd took a hit of nitrous and bit a cop. Donald Trump responded to reports that Ron Desantis will run against him for the Republican nomination, saying, we'll handle this the way I handle things. so rough and without consent. the U.s. government hit its debt limit on Thursday, and the country now risks defaulting on its bills. And look, we've all been there, you know? you spend too much because life's too short. then the bill comes due. the bank won't loan you money anymore. then you have no choice. you have to buckle down, face the music, and blow up your Staten Island ferry for insurance money. |
cracked | 5_horrifying_realities_behind_the_scenes_of_an_airport | Thank you for flying improbable flying metal tube airlines. I'm sorry to inform you that your flight has been delayed.
No, of course I don't need to check.
Airports exist in some weird parallel world where a stranger fondling your privates is a normal thing to exchange for a chance to hurtle through the sky in a weirdly shaped metal bullet. Which kind of makes airports sound like magical parades of whimsy. Which it probably is for all the airport staff that are constantly on drugs.
Right on. Fly away little buddy.
Ironically, airport staff are rarely checked thoroughly by the TSA. So it's easy to smuggle in enough drugs to open a mini pharmacy behind an airport five guys.
Meth, coke, weed. I've seen people do it all. And more often than not, it led to serious delays. Once a guy I knew got super stoned before he was supposed to drive a tug. Tugs are those white cars you see on airstrips which look like if a golf cart did it with a tank.
Where's like the door?
Normally he drove one without a roof, but that day his tug had a roof for some reason. That plus the drugs made him less than an excellent driver. So he smashed his roof directly into an airplane wing. Unfortunate. The result was damage to the wing and fuselage.
And a whole bunch of very pissed off passengers in the terminal who watched as their flights delayed or cancelled entirely. I don't know if this was drug related, but another time one of the ground crew fell asleep in a cargo hold and didn't wake up until mid flight. He had to get the crew's attention and get them to turn the whole damn plane around.
Just for him. The guy was, of course, fired for it. He probably should have just rolled the dice and started a new life in wherever the plane was heading to.
Ugh, Ohio? Nevermind.
One guy apparently felt similarly about wherever he was going after waking up in the cargo hold of an airplane about to take off. Because he then, according to legend, opened a door and somehow jumped out of the moving plane onto the jetway.
I don't know how badly he was hurt, but hey, probably wasn't as bad as your luggage. Do you ever get that feeling that airports intentionally treat your luggage the same way you would an old toaster that just said your mother is a mediocre lover? Well then, you'll be happy to learn that you were totally right about that. The luggage.
I don't know your mom.
Roughly handling your luggage is what makes the plane run on time. It's just math. Carefully placing your bag into place takes 20 seconds longer than hucking it from across the room. Multiply that by 150 or so and then again by all the various stages of processing and it starts to add up. Delays cost way more than replacing the bottle of wine you had in your luggage wrapped in your favorite t-shirt. And then, of course, when the plane lands, the whole thing is reversed. But don't feel too bad about your bags because all this stuff doesn't compare to the shit you go through while on a plane.
Have you ever returned from a trip with a cold or some kind of stomach bug? Well, that's not just bad luck.
Hey, it's me, Larry. I also clean airplanes, or at least I'm supposed to. This isn't my work suit, by the way.
I just refused to enter an airplane without a hazmat suit on after seeing firsthand how filthy they get. See, how clean airplanes get depends entirely on who our lead is that day. Some might tell us to skip tray tables to save time and even though we're required to check under every seat, that only happens if our boss is actively on the plane monitoring us, which is rare. Fortunately, if you ever get hungry on a plane, there's almost certainly some yummy food underneath your seat.
The toilets are probably the worst, especially seeing as our guy usually just goes in there and plays with his phone instead of actually cleaning. Sometimes, I'll clean after him, but other times, there's no time. So the toilet gets just a half-ass cleaning after being full-ass blasted by God knows how many asses. Under a blacklight, most airplane toilets are wider than Starbucks during pumpkin spice season.
There is some good news, though, if you happen to hate rich people. Rich people?
Where? I don't know where they are. The BMW store? Not here.
First Class is supposed to receive fresh pillowcases, but we often skip that step, meaning those pillows they're paying for are used. If any of you fancy rich travelers ever walked off a flight with a case of headlights or herpes, at least you can rest easy knowing it wasn't because of all those brothels you visited. And don't worry. First Class probably isn't filthy enough to kill you. No, death is largely reserved for the staff.
Flying is still the safest, most reliable form of travel. For the passengers. For the crew on the ground?
Not so much. Oh, I died during that previous segment. It happens more than you might think.
The biggest danger is being sucked into an engine, which looks like somebody making homemade salsa but forgetting to put the lid on the blender. But the real tarmac killers are those dang tugs. These vehicles are overbuilt with six steel body panels that can make some models weigh over four tons. I once heard about a guy who parked his tug next to a plane, forgot the e-brake, and left his tug on a very slight incline. It began drifting towards the plane, and the guy frantically reached inside the tug, thinking that aircraft damage was the worst possible outcome. The tug slightly pulled him forward and caught him between the car and the craft.
On the positive side, he and I can hang out now.
Yes, it can be very gruesome, but blood sacrifices to the elder gods are unfortunately still the only way to get airplanes to work. How else do you explain giant pieces of metal flying?
Flight 666 now boarding. Oh, that's me. Gotta go now. Have a safe journey. |
cracked | why_you_never_trust_people_with_idea_in_their_job_title | Hey! Sorry, I'm latte. Late. Chris, is that you? What the hell, man?
I forgot that I left my camera on. This is a start half hour ago. Half an hour is just an hour that doubled its productivity. But listen, shut up. I was staying at the Ramada N's Express last night and it hit me.
What is the one thing our business is missing? A business. A theme more than just one thing. We need an idea. Oh. And I found the perfect person to help us. His name is Adam and he is, get this, an idea man.
You know that's a synonym for scam, right? A synonym? It's an antonym for antonym.
Hello future entrepreneurs of the year. Hello! I said hello future entrepreneurs of the year. Quick question. Do you believe that you can be the future entrepreneurs of the year?
Yes, I do. Well, I do now.
We're not going to talk about synergy, are you? I am glad that you asked that question. You see, my job is to help get your profit generators in an upswing direction. To help kind of sin, blah, maximize your purpose in order to clarify your value. Wow! Let's start at the beginning, okay?
Who's your target demographic? People? Yeah, obviously. But what kind of people? Do you want to reach women? Yeah. Good answer. Men? Yeah! Great answer. Kids? Adam?
This isn't really what I pictured. I thought you were going to give us a business idea. Hey, Mindstein, don't you think if I had the next big idea I'd be executing on it right now? I don't know. You seem pretty dumb.
You know what, buddy? Let me tell you something. You know what I do? What I do. What people have paid me to do for the last, oh, I don't know, three and a half weeks now is all for guidance, okay? Do you get that through your stupid little head?
I would really love to start over. Yeah, let's not start over.
Hello, future entrepreneurs of the year. Hello. Hi.
Grim silence.
Quick question. Sam, who's your ideal customer? Uh, women who love cats and dogs, who are between the ages of 19 and 32, who are of Mediterranean descent and- That's way too specific. Or was it not specific enough? The first one. Duh. Quick question time.
Walter, what service would you provide to women who really like cats and dogs and et cetera? An online animal owner double dating service?
Of course! Where did that come from? My guidance, friend.
Nope.
Yeah. Thank you. Now why don't you guys go ahead and kick this around for a little bit in case see if any of it ticks, all right? You are the man, Adam! Dogbaiting. Stupid idiots. Oh. Oh, God. Tuners gone better. Oh, that is not right. |
cracked | why_cats_are_the_worst_type_of_missing_pet | Hey! Hey, buddy. Hey, baby. Hey.
I'm sorry to hear that you think you've lost your pet, but don't fret just yet. Here are some tips to help you out, and there are no more rhymes. There's just not enough amount of minutes for more rhymes.
So, cat, dog, fish, or miscellaneous, here is a guide to guide you through this. Cat. First, call out for your cat, preferably with food. If it doesn't come, that means absolutely nothing, so go do something else for a while. Dog. First, call out for your dog, preferably with food, but if not, no big deal because you've got a good dog who loves you unconditionally and comes when he or she is called. If you still don't see her or him, now panic, because your dog is gone. Shout his or her name through the streets. Hamsters, gerbils, and other rodents. First, look around for like a f***ing minute. Then, put some food out and go to bed. Some kind of dangerous or weird pet.
First, give yourself a high five. You're unconventional. I mean, who gives themselves a five?
Fish. First, check the floor or ground surrounding the fish tank of your fish. Just the general area, you know, just like sort of look for it.
Second, look for your cat around the house. Go through the laundry a few times. Cats love hiding in laundry. If you still can't find the little fella or gorilla, remind yourself that it's a cat and sometimes cats just want to be alone. When it wants to be found, you'll find it.
Leave out some food. Go to bed. Call every shelter within 60 miles to describe your dog and give them her or his microchip information. Explain that you don't normally cry like this. You just happen to be worried sick right now.
Look in the couch. Did you find it? Sorry.
Tuck your socks into your shoes. Put on some gloves. Maybe get a mallet.
You can get another fish, but honestly, if you lost your fish, maybe you shouldn't have a pet. Three, check around the house again for your cat. Check its full dish of food and arrive at the conclusion that, yeah, your cat is probably gone.
Don't panic too much. Send out alerts and search for found dogs at the websites on your screen and others. They're very helpful. If you want more, you can ding Lost Dog or Altavista it or the... the main one.
It's, uh... Anyway, moving on. Use the change you found in your couch and buy a new rodent. Or a few. They're probably pretty cheap. Leave out some food for your thing.
Four, Google Lost Cat. Google. It's Google.
Don't give up. Some lost pets don't turn up for months. Although some lost pets don't turn up...
Remember that your dog would never run away or not come running when you call his or her name. Conclude that your dog was kidnapped, like the plot of several things. Call the police and, oh wait, there's your dog. It was just very slow in running up to you when you called it. Call animal control and maybe the police if it's something that could harm civilians. Then, call your weird pet guy and get a new one. Five, contact shelters, send out alerts, make flyers, and get friends to help you look for your dear lost kitty. Play with your dog.
Six, keep looking for days to the point that you and your girlfriend take shifts at night wandering the neighborhood until morning, making fools of yourselves whispering a cat's name and actually kind of trespassing on people's property at like three in the morning. Find several stray cats during your search. One of which looked almost exactly like the one for which you were looking, but it wasn't. It wasn't the cat. Find many raccoons. Intensely resent your cat.
Do some tricks, puppy dog!
Seven, one night, faintly hear a cat's cry. Your cat's cry, coming from the ceiling. Call back and begin a conversation with the cat that leads you to your balcony, to the fire escape, and to a big opening that leads into the roof of your building.
It's far too high to reach, so you try to coax the f***ing cat out with food, you know, because it's waited five days to say something. So it must be f***ing hungry, but not hungry enough to come down from the high place that it clearly didn't have a problem jumping up to.
So, I don't know. I guess break into your building's basement to get a ladder and then call a taller friend to use that ladder for you. You short a***. You stupid, actual moron. You looked on day one for anywhere a cat could go. You looked in this area, and what, you didn't look up? You didn't see the giant f***ing hole leading to the dark and secluded roof above your actual moron's excuse for a dumb head? Stupid?
Get ready for bed, I guess. Long day. Eight. Feed and clean and pet your cat as it purrs you to sleep. Pick up your dog's poop. Nine. Get an additional cat for some reason. Enjoy the next decade or so with your very best friend who would never leave you.
You are nightmares personified, and that is not a phrase I band-aid about recklessly. Literally the first time I've ever heard it. We're not here to tell you how to be scarier. We don't have experience in that, and anyways, it's none of our business. Could you even imagine if we tried to get into scary? We would just embarrass ourselves.
What we do know? Branding. You need to start thinking, really thinking about your brand. |
TheOnion | CEO_Has_Special_Knack_For_Recognizing_Great_Ideas_And_Ruining_Them | For over 12 years, Halverson Enterprises CEO Peter Weathers has taken a hands-on approach in all aspects of the tech firm's growth and day-to-day business. But employees say the executive's true talent lies in his unique ability to recognize great ideas and then absolutely ruin them. For as long as I've worked here, Peter has been able to sit down in a meeting, listen to a million different ideas, pick out the one that makes the most sense creatively and financially, and then totally destroy it until there's basically nothing worthwhile about it left. He's remarkable. Employees throughout the company say they're most impressed by Weathers' ability to water down promising ideas with meaningless jargon, consistently choose the wrong person to head up every project, and inject virtually every halfway decent thought with his own short-sighted and terrible insights. At our all-hands meeting the other week, our team put forth a very feasible plan to boost productivity. And it was really incredible to see Peter's mind at work, just taking every good aspect of our proposal and dismantling it like a small child, it was really one of the shittiest things we've ever implemented. You know, at the end of the day, Peter really shines when he commits himself to a promising project, sinks thousands of dollars into it, and transforms it into a major liability for everyone. The best part is when it's all over, he pushes the blame onto someone else. Wow, that's the Weathers' touch. For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
dropout | hardly_working_overgrown_guy_girlfriend_3 | It's the overgrown guy girlfriend. Oh look like a whale Are you embarrassed? Okay, hey everyone look Amir had to go buy me tampons because I'm a grown woman Supers you get you got supers you guys need to give Amir a raise like you guys are like slave guys or something like he Makes peanuts and then like he says all this like mean shit about you guys and like hey my eyes are up here Okay, not in my chest. I wouldn't I'm not looking at your chest.
Okay. Well, that's a first Fish don't have funerals. Oh I have sunburn. Okay. Oh Hey, get me a South Beach 100 calorie cookie pack Thank you. Oh my god move.
I need to use your computer How cute we are getting one I am not your goddamn maid One thing I'm on the phone with My dad and those are your dishes. Okay, those are our dishes and that's why this isn't working You have no idea what it means to be a couple Fine Okay, fine.
Yeah, it's just over. Yeah, it's just over like that. We're done. Okay. Well good asshole My friends |
cracked | 6_things_that_pissed_me_off_about_cnn_bikini_teacher_report | Welcome to Hate by Numbers, the segment where I show clips and count down the various things that piss me off. Today's clip features Tiffany Shepherd, a Florida high school teacher who claims she was fired for part-timing as a bikini mate on chartered fishing cruises. How would you feel if your kid's biology... tough story, stick with me. No, a hard story is reporting on rape and genocide in Darfur. This story is merely a tool to help your viewers masturbate. At a part-time job as a bikini mate on a fishing boat.
Am I right, Rochelle or what? I see you laughing at me over there. All right, there it is. That's why I'm stumbling all over the place. That's the problem? They're just breasts, dude. Try not to fall apart on us. I talked with Tiffany Shepherd. And tell us what's going on here.
When I look through the company website, the Smokum Charters website, it looks to me like skin and bikinis. That's a big sales pitch. It's basically there for conversation and, you know, for a little methodology on fishing. Methodology on fishing. That's probably true. I have to imagine at least part of the cruise deals with how to get rid of unwanted crabs.
On a influence front, you know as a teacher you have influence on our kids, do you want students seeing you in that light? Because you know kids are going to go to a website and say, hey, Mrs. Shepherd. Wait, what are the kids going to say when they hit the website? Say, hey, Mrs. Shepherd.
Ah, yes. That would be terrible. If they went to the beach on any given day, I would be at the beach and not saying bikini. I'm not wearing a thong or anything and most of the girls wear skimpier things than me. Are these the same girls who are only there for conversation and fishing methodology? You're not helping, Tiffany. I would hope that they, you know, if I went fishing and I was wearing a long sleeve shirt and, you know, sweatpants, I would hope that they would think I was an idiot. fuck. An idiot? No. An idiot would be a teacher who goes on national television to dispute that she's a tramp while wearing a wardrobe that showcases her heaving bosom and a tattoo that would only be appropriate for a stripper or a biker or, I don't know, a bikini mate on a chartered fishing cruise. Take my numbers, and that's all for now. |
dropout | bleep_bloop_beat_em_ups | Welcome to Bleakbloop, College Humor's Weekly Video Game Show. I'm your host, Jeff Rubin, and this week I'm here with Sarah Schneider and our guest comedians, Kumail Nanjiani and Pete Holmes. I waved at the wrong time.
It's fine. Today we are playing beat-em-ups, perhaps better known as those games where you move from the left side of the screen to the right, hitting everything along the way. Let's get started with one of the genre's finest examples, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. There is no arcade game. Hit buttons. That's just good advice for video games in general.
I always used to try and kiss her, but I definitely remember them going, Ugh, shell shock. Which is kind of a bad taste to people who, like, legitimately have shell shock from Vietnam.
April's not even fazed. She's equally terrified by this drill, as she was before. Rocksteady. Say your prayers, toils.
Mutated into a rhino, but he kept that real connection. Playing at this at home is like gambling with, like, poker chips instead of money, because the whole point was, like, you wanted to not die, so you wouldn't pay another quarter, but here I'm like, oh, I died. It's happening in Ex-Moi. It simulates what it would be like if you were a really rich kid, you know?
Right. Sarah, I believe you went as April O'Neill for Halloween a few years ago. Yeah. You did? That's actually a great choice. I was awesome. Just own it. You still are.
My first, like, sexual thoughts were of turtles, I think. As me as April O'Neill. I knew it with the turtles.
They're, like, manly. I guess the turtles are pretty manly. I mean, they're all muscles.
They're so, like, they're flying, fighting mutants. What is the thought about that? The mutant part. When I lived in, uh, outside of Boston as a kid, and I knew I wanted to live in New York, I thought this is what New York was gonna be like.
Yeah, we used to look at our boobs, like, stand still again. Look at your boobs.
They get bigger. It's like a good romance novel.
Oh! I like Axl's one, where he just starts punching. Oh, there. He just, like, loses and starts thinking I was dead. That's his dragon. That's the dragon punch. Oh, yeah.
He's working it out. He's holding her boobs.
It's so much better than the turtles game. You know why, though? Because it's designed for being played. Yeah. Because that turtles game was designed for the arcade.
Yeah, I like that it's slower. It's not as busy. You can clearly see what's going on.
But on the other hand, though, there's only two players. Two of us are just sitting here holding our dicks. Do you guys remember two at the end of the Genesis that came up?
Being Max. I love being Max.
Skate's the best one. Skate's huge. Why would you not be Max? Because he doesn't have roller blades. Skate seems like a character they add in a sitcom, like, it's been on a couple years. They're like, we need something to spice it up. All right, so is it me and you now? Yeah, I'm gonna stick with Skate. You can also be Skate, a different colored Skate. They have an Asian Skate.
He's on a bicycle. First of all, this game's in widescreen, which right away gives us a little more room to run around in. Wow, yeah, that's great. Yeah, it's got a good camera, like, when you run far and you're still on the other side, you'll... It gets smaller, see? The camera zooms back.
See, unlike Ninja Turtles, where you're hitting robots and they just explode, these, like, heads are coming off. And it's very core. This is the Ninja Turtles arcade game, just times a million. Yeah. Like, with different attacks, better animation. Although we made this point, they're like, there's a million weapons.
They're pretty much all the same. They're all of the same. I mean, they don't all look the same, but they have the same range. They're used the same.
Like, in Halo, you get a different weapon. That's a different weapon, you know. They feel different. But here, you're still just hitting X in line.
Okay, what's this guy doing? What's the benefit? Keep health potions on hand for challenging friends.
I say that all the time. I'm always Talon Sarras. He is.
This is fun, right? It hurts so much. So this is just, like, straight up tribute to old arcade games. I mean, there's no reason anyone put this in a game. It's obviously not fun. People do this online. We are not enjoying ourselves. I went online on the message where the people were bragging about how good they are at this. This is, like, a game for parents, you know, like, finish all your food, mash all your buttons in it. Ow, this is, this is not fun. No, I'm not enjoying any of this.
Yes! All right. Second place. Let's just say that took some intense skill. What have we learned today? Conclusions. Side scrollers have only gotten better with time, but not turtles and time. Oh! Oh, excuse me. |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Coco | This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be talking about Disney Pixar's Coco, a powerful, imaginative story about family and following your dreams, albeit one which unfortunately is completely unbelievable as the protagonist doesn't use his journey to the land of the dead to solve the mystery surrounding Natalie Wood's 1981 drowning death. The film, which asks us to accept that someone could visit the afterlife without at least trying to solve the biggest mystery in the history of show business, tells the story of Miguel, an aspiring musician from a Mexican family with a generations-long ban on music. Miguel soon finds himself transported to a magical land where all those who have died before us live on, but yet somehow, inconceivably, his first action upon entering the afterlife isn't to immediately seek out Natalie Wood's ghost in order to learn who was responsible for her death off the coast of Santa Catalina Island some 36 years ago. Take, for example, this scene where Miguel first enters the metropolis of the dead, where Wood obviously must reside.
At this point, it would be a simple matter to ask any of these friendly skeletons for a whereabouts, and within minutes he could be learning the truth of what happened that night between Wood, her husband Robert Wagner, and Christopher Walken. Despite having plenty of time and numerous opportunities, the characters fail to learn whether a reported clash between Wagner and Walken had something to do with how the actress ended up in the water, or whether it could have been Walken, who pushed Wood over the boat's edge, perhaps at Wagner's behest. Consider the facts. At 1030 p.m. on November 28, 1981, Natalie Wood, Robert Wagner, and Christopher Walken, having spent the night eating and drinking at Doug's Harbor Reef restaurant, set off for the Woods and Wagner's yacht, the Splendor. Then, at 1.15 a.m. that night, another yacht owner received an oddly calm radio transmission from Wagner, reporting a missing person. In between those two timestamps, multiple witnesses have reported overhearing a loud argument between Wood, her husband, and Walken. Yet none of the official statements at the time mention this fight, nor do they explain the suspicious marks on Wood's legs and cheek.
Faced with these inconsistencies, the failure of Coco's characters to ask the right questions is utterly mind-boggling, until one realizes that the film itself is part of the smokescreen surrounding this case. Indeed, who would have more interest in covering up the crimes of two cinema legends like Christopher Walken and Robert Wagner than a major Hollywood studio like Disney? Could they have been pulling strings behind the scenes from the very beginning? And where was Pixar founder John Lasseter on the night in question? Coco comes to an end after just 109 minutes. But for those of us who seek the truth, the real story continues. For the Onions Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal. |
dropout | hardly_working_bathroom_numbers | Number 81. Uh, what? Me too. Just over here taking a nice long numero 81. I think you mean number one. There's only number one and number two. Patrick, you're so wrong. I'm here taking a number 81 right next to you and Kevin's in the handicap stall. Taking a number three. What?
No I'm not! Oh, no. That's disgusting. No one does that at work.
Oh, one's over there taking a number four. Do I even want to know...
I'm tired of the bathroom but it's too full so you get nervous and you just pretend you were there to wash your hands. No, no, no. No, I'm just washing my hands. I eat a big old sloppy pile of Indian food so I kind of wash these hands.
In fact, you know what?
I'm not. I'm going to go downstairs and wash them in the bathroom bobby.
Who would go through the trouble of numbering all of these? And how would you even remember?
There must be so. Here's a book. Okay, a book. Alright, this is... wow.
Number 43. When you go to take a shit but just have a really long fart instead. Number 44. When you're taking a shit then someone else comes in the bathroom so you stop and wait for the person to leave before resuming. Adam's doing that right now. Phone dot please hurry up. Number 45. When you go to take a number one then realize after you've already started at the urinal that you need to take a number two. Oh, that's the worst. Number 46. Checking your email on your phone while taking a shit then realizing after a shit length of time that you actually forgot to shit because you were distracted by your phone. Number 47. Accidentally making eye contact with someone through the gap in the stall door. Number 48. Intentionally making eye contact with someone through the gap in the stall door. Number 49. Getting completely naked to take a shit then noticing that there's no toilet paper in your stall and trying to run to another stall without getting dressed but getting caught by someone else and then not really having to take a shit anyway.
Of course. No, not of course, Murph.
These are all extremely weird and I think illegal ways to go to the bathroom. There's no way enough people do any of these to warrant numbering them or publishing them in a book or binding them in what feels like really nice leather.
I mean, what is... Oh, hey, you know what?
We are taking number 81s. |
SaturdayNightLive | waiters_snl | It's so great to get all the Sibs together, it's like a mini Mason family reunion. Well, hello Manson Family, I hear we're celebrating a reunion tonight.
Oh, it's uh, it's Mason. sorry. we're just not the Manson family. Sorry, sorry, Mr. Mason. Ah, I guess I'm just a little off my game today.
No, no, all good. we're ready to order if you are though. Yeah, go for it. let's get started for you, sir: The Shrimp Scampi.
Uh-huh Not gonna write that down. I've worked here a long time. I haven't written down an order in 15 years.
No, no, that's not it. So, uh, so sorry this. This has never happened to me before, but I got it now. it's gonna be the ribeye, the chicken fongers, the bagel with fonger sauce and go on the rocks, and a mango jewel pod for the little guy. Not close.
Wow, yeah, I think I'm freaking out now. My apologies Charles Manson, Dave Mason. Sorry, is there a problem over here? yeah, I am just having trouble taking their orders. Do you want to take over while I do some breath work to calm down?
No, I I'm sorry. No, so four chicken fungus for the table, four chicken fungus for the kitchen, and a diet. Dr. Advil for the little gay. Excuse me, little gay. Sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm nervous. I guess I'm a little nervous too.
Partially because today is my first day as manager, and partially because, um, well, I know what you did to Sharon Tate. We're not the Manson's. you know what?
I'm just gonna tell the chef directly. excuse me, sir. can I get the shrimp scampi? never heard of that. But coming right up, one shrimp is given. No, man, man. I want the shrimp scampi. Oh, I got it coming right up. One scooby shampoo. we know I want the skimp skankini. damn it.
Now. I'm doing it. I'm sorry. it's just honestly been a really crazy shift and everyone is fried. I will get your meal comped. Let's just start over. what would you like? you know the chicken fungus looks pretty good. what are you doing at our table? I'm sorry.
I think I just feel flustered because your short friend is staring at my rack. He's not short. he's a child.
All right, fine. If it's so important to you all, why don't you just give me your orders one more time and I will write it down. For the love of God. this is the last time we do this. The shrimp scampi, The California club, the Caesar salad, the bone and ribeye, and the chicken fingers. not the chicken fungus for the little guy. you got it now. Will you repeat that one more time? Because I accidentally drew you? |
TheBetootaAdvocate | the_betoota_advocate_in_canberra_libspill | Well, the mainstream media didn't think we could do it, but we did it, didn't we, Aaron? We came down, 28 hour drive, and we got here, we covered the spill for everyone. Well, it was a big morning for the Batutah Advocate today. We went around the back of Parliament House there, we were denied entry by the AFP pretty early on in the piece, but we came right around here to where all the big dogs were and caught up with a few mates, called in a few favours, and before we knew it we had a couple of passes, and people were willing to talk to us. So we're standing at the front of Parliament here, we've got all the big dogs going down here, we've got 10, 9, 7, all lined up, we've got all the big dogs, you know, we'd come down here representing independent press, so we thought we'd grab the bloke that no one wanted to grab. There's some clown at the front with the sign saying, stop the vote. We were from the Batutah Advocate, mate, Australia's oldest newspaper, we've just gone online recently.
I'm familiar with the Batutah. Yeah, no, we broke a few stories about you this year, we appreciate it, let's quote you guys. No, no, I saw that. So it's interesting, Campbell Newman's known keeper coming up. Yeah, it's hard to ignore all those numbers, isn't it? Well, 70%, that's amazing, what kind of people are we talking about here? That's extraordinary. We're talking about hard-working, honest, regional Australians out of Batutah. What can be done about this? You know, this is what we've come down to ask. Well, firstly, I need to visit Batutah.
Yes. So, have I got an invite? Will you commit to the races in August? I don't gamble, but I may be just before or just after the races. You'll frock up, Will. Yeah, I don't know, I don't need to cross-dress anything.
Alright, well, we've stumbled into an old friend here, Miss Jackie Lambie, the Palmer United Senator from Tasmania. How are you this morning, Jackie? Ah, yes, the Palmer United. I'm an independent Senator from Tasmania these days.
I have to get your boys up on the news. Just warning you up, Jackie. We'll get the late mail up in Batutah, Jackie. Pup's finished, dead and buried.
Is it? Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's news in Batutah. We only just put a candidate forward. I think it just shows you the priority of the National Party.
If they can't get a dingo fence, what can they do? And lastly, Hugh, what are you wearing today? Could you give us a little twirl here? I'm wearing, give me the name of a designer, quick.
Lowe's. I'm wearing Lowe's. Lowe's of Hollywood.
They're fine. They do a fine check shirt as well.
Would you give us a twirl? Yeah, sure. I'd be happy to give you a twirl. There you go. Beautiful. If you want me to start singing Let It Go, no, that's beyond that. We'll grab you later. Beautiful. |
dropout | nerd_alert_pokemon_black_white | Welcome to NerdAlert, I'm Jeff Rubin here with the editor of Dorkly, Brian Murphy, and actor-comedian Thomas Middleditch. This week, Lucasfilm followed through on threats to start re-releasing the Star Wars movies, all six Star Wars movies, in 3D. They're starting with The Phantom Menace on February 12, 2012. We will be talking to a man who put up a critique of The Phantom Menace that was 70 minutes long and seen by millions online. How many of his complaints were that the original film was only in 2D?
Tiny Wings, a 99-cent iPhone game from Germany, overtook perennial bestseller Angry Birds on the App Store sales chart, but how many of those sales were old people trying to buy Angry Birds?
We got our first good look at Hugo Weaving as the red skull in the upcoming Captain America movie. Is the costume good enough that when the film comes out, we'll be rooting for the Nazis?
But first, Nintendo released Pokemon Black and White this week. It features over 150 brand-new Pokemon, 3-on-3 battles, and new multiplayer features, but is playing the new Pokemon game worth admitting that you're playing the new Pokemon game. Your thoughts on the subject, Murph? I think it's a very good Pokemon game. They've kind of stuck with the formula where you're still going to eight different gyms, you're still fighting the Elite Four, you still, like, don't have a dad for some reason. I see Thomas already laughing, shaking his head in disappointment at you. Pokemon is like Pogs. Yeah, they're awesome. Pokemon, Digimon, all the Mons. It's for eight-year-olds to pester their parents to buy them the new toys, and the fact that grown humans are playing it is a travesty. I thought the villain in this one was interesting, because in previous Pokemon games, the villains were all about simply making trouble, maybe making it double.
But in this one, the villain gets this. He has, like, a real philosophy. He has a motivation. He wants to liberate the Pokemon. He thinks only then, if the humans aren't barking orders at them, can they rise to their true potential. And I'm playing the game, and I was like, you know what? That's not a terrible point. Maybe it gets us onto something. Pikachu is a good guy, right? He should be free. They're only as good as their trainer. Is that a line in the song?
But it kind of seems like they wrote the story, and then they're like, wow, the bad guys kind of have a point here. Maybe we just need to have them doing, like, random evil things. Like, right in the beginning of the game, you catch the bad guy, like, just kicking a Pokemon, just for no reason. Pokemon's not a game with moral ambiguity. They have to be like, bad guy, bad guy, bad guy.
There's no gray area. It's like, oh, he's got some good points.
Let's make him a Pokemon kicker. Real quick, all-time favorite Pokemon. Mine's Snorlax. Possibly Bidoof.
Moving on to a different kind of monster, the Nazi red skull has always been Captain America's arch-nemesis. And now, thanks to Entertainment Weekly, we know what he will look like in the upcoming Captain America film. Comments on the Entertainment Weekly site were ecstatic and ranged from looks awesome to I prefer the 80s version, not to looks like a sexy Skeletor. Obviously, the costume's awesome. The only question left is, is it enough to make you actually see the Captain America movie? Thomas. His costume is the only concerning part because it looks very sort of like, I'm a supervillain. Look at my extravagant clothing. But that's red skull. Red skull's from the 40s. He was strained by Hitler. It doesn't get any more evil than that. But it's always like a balance nowadays when you're making superhero movies of, like, do you do, like, the old-school costumes? Because if you had Wolverine in, like, the thing and his, like, orange and black costume, it would look kind of ridiculous. I think a red skull mask could have definitely ended up looking not terrifying, but they did it.
Yeah, he looks mean. He looks like mean.
And if he were to fight Skeletor, assuming they're brothers, which is what is in my mind, I think he would beat him. I think he would beat Skeletor up.
It's interesting you mentioned Crossovers because they're subtitling this movie, Captain America the First Avenger, and now Marvel's trying to build this thing they're calling the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And it's just another Marvel continuity. Do we need another one? I think that's awesome. You two looked at each other like, uh-oh. And it's awesome that now they actually have to be, like, responsible for their films. They can't just be like, oh, two Hulk movies, awful. Let's just redo it and do another one. They have to be like, we write this. It has to make sense because other movies are depending on it.
It definitely ticked off the collector's part of my brain where I was like, well, now I gotta see Captain America. I'm never gonna get the Avengers. I just won't be able to understand it.
Moving on, Tiny Wings is an iPhone game simple enough to be played with one button that has received wide critical acclaim. But how do you compare it to big boy games like Mass Effect 2 or Red Dead Redemption? Is that like comparing an episode of Friends to something like Inception? What do you think, Murph?
I think you can't really compare the two. I don't think they're in direct competition at all. Pointing at birds isn't the same as, like, fighting aliens and having sex with aliens. You're right that it's not competing.
I think something like this, or Cut the Rope, has really increased the reach of the video game playing audience. I see people on the subway totally focused on their iPhone playing games, and they look like totally normal people. But now they're addicted to video games just like us.
Isn't that kind of cool? The power! You're a lot of us now. See what you guys have been missing? I think it's great.
I'm really happy about the recent surge of super casual gaming on iPhones or whatever else, the entire Nintendo Wii. But it's cool that it's like, and me as a hardcore gamer, someone who has to limit his game time so he doesn't play all day. They're still fun. I love Tiny Wings. My iPhone is pages and pages of stupid little games that I just play when I've got a few minutes. It's like sometimes you want to steak dinner, but sometimes you just want a bag of chips.
Our next guest released a critique of The Phantom Menace that was almost as long as the film itself. Let's take a look at the clip. I want you to tell me who the main character of The Phantom Menace was. You might be thinking that it's Anakin because he was like a slave and saved the day at the end by accidentally blowing up the starship. But the audience doesn't meet Anakin until 45 minutes into the movie.
And then the things that are happening around him are pretty much out of his control or understanding. If a protagonist has no concept of what's going on or what's at stake, then there's no real tension or drama. Without that, there's no story. So the conclusion is that there isn't one.
We don't have to talk about how you feel about The Phantom Menace. That's pretty clear. How good would these new special effects and this new 3D have to be to make you enjoy this film? I think the special effects are good enough. I think that's not the problem with the movies, of course. But yeah, I don't think I'll be seeing The Phantom Menace in 3D any time soon. They've had some trouble in the past with these 2D to 3D conversions like The Last Airbender and Clash of the Titans.
Do you think Lucas is going to do anything better to make it in any way, shape, or form more palatable? I don't know. Lucas has been the guy who's always advancing technology, so possibly, but I don't know what you can do.
I've actually never seen a 2D movie converted into 3D, so I'd be interested to see it just based on that. I like how you opened with, I'm definitely not going to see it. But I'd be kind of interested in seeing the 2D to 3D. I mean, maybe I'll see it.
I think it should release the first Star Wars film first. I think that would do better.
Right. Well, we're going to get there. They're going in narrative order.
We just got to wait three years to get to the movies anyone actually wants to see. How many times did you watch The Phantom Menace to put together your critique of it? I actually saw it before it came out. Whoa! How'd you do that? I worked in a movie theater at the time, so I got to go to an exhibitor screening. Do you remember back in 99 before we knew how bad that movie was? The excitement of people bursting into the door and rushing to go see the movie.
Me and my friend did bring our lightsabers. Oh yeah, we brought our lightsabers.
We were so excited, and I left so mad. I think after I saw the movie, I didn't immediately recognize how terrible it was. Did you recognize how bad it was immediately? Of course it was overwhelmed with a lot of the hype, and it was really exciting seeing it early like that. Because everyone was cheering. It was exciting, but you had the sinking feeling afterwards.
There was going to be a nuclear war or something. You couldn't tell anybody.
You also did a 90-minute review of Attack of the Clones. You did a 90-minute review of Revenge of the Sith. I feel like the nerd hive mind has come to the consensus that maybe Revenge of the Sith isn't quite as bad as Attack of the Clones in Phantom Menace.
Maybe it has a few more redeeming qualities. Do you think there's any truth to that? It's missing a lot of the elements that may have the first ones bad.
No kids, no horrible love story, no very little Jar Jar Binks, if any. It's the most palatable one out of all three, but it's also very boring as well. I hate all three of them with such a passion, and I think any Star Wars fan who's like, I think they're okay is just trying to save that childhood memory of Star Wars is awesome. They're all so bad. 90 minutes isn't long enough to describe how bad those elements are. Mike, level with me. I know the Phantom Menace is not very good, but as a Star Wars fan, are you going to pay to see it in 3D next year?
No. Thomas? No. Murph? Yeah.
I'm afraid I might go see it too, but what about you guys? Are you going to see the Phantom Menace in 3D? Go to the NerdAlert Facebook page, vote in our poll. Don't vote if you like the Phantom Menace. I'm genuinely curious if Star Wars fans are so into Star Wars, they will pay $20 to see a movie they don't like in 3D.
That is all the time we have time for today on NerdAlert. Mike has a new review show coming out called Half in the Bag. They're going to be reviewing new movies. It's going to be on redlettermedia.com. Definitely check that out.
Murph is going to be at Penny Arcade Expo this weekend. If you're watching this video after Monday, you already missed it, but Murph will be on the Kill Screen panel and with the rest of the Dorkly team challenging strangers, probably children, to Pokemon battles. NerdAlert will not be around next week because I'm going to be at South by Southwest. We're doing a show on Thursday with Dan and Streeter and a panel on Monday with Streeter and Pat and Pat's balls. So if you're in Austin, definitely come check that out. NerdAlert will be back in two weeks to discuss the new Mortal Kombat game.
Until then, enjoy CGI, our bad special effects of the week. Later losers. |
cracked | why_death_is_meaningless_in_star_wars_galactic_war_room | How can I help you? I'm looking for the war room of the entire rebellious uprising. You're in it. Big map's over there.
Perfect. Well, I'll be going now.
Did you get some good shots? You do realize I'm not in the uprising, right? Oh. Then why did you tell me? To be honest, I only got into this line of work for the action. What kind of action?
Oh, my star-lord! A chosen one.
Do we have no security?
No.
Do we have no security? Sir, I just don't think it's a secret base, as in secret is a comprehensive security plan. What do you mean you have a blaster, don't you?
We have a guy full of space magic. Space magic is a myth. I don't know what you're talking about. He clearly died of a space heart attack.
I'm very busy. Okay. Until someone new defects from the evil galactic hegemon, Ayla, I need you to cover Binny's duties. I'm a technician, not a whatever-Binny-was-clip-work-guy-helper. Fine. Wampus, if you help out, I won't make you talk about the fact that you definitely have space magic. I'd get an office, and an wardrobe, and slave girls. Take most of that off. Please.
Good. I decree this settled? No. Back to the slave girl initiative. People, that won't work.
The process will grow him to adulthood immediately. We can program his personality however we want, and oh my, wow, it would work.
There are moral issues, though. Are there? What happens to the soul, you know? And it's, I don't know, determining someone's life purpose for them? Yikes. Morals. We wouldn't want to turn into the bad guys.
Exactly. Even if we're only creating one fraction of one percent of the number of clones they've created. Exactly. And even if the doom-based plans we stole included cloning instructions that look easy to replicate. Exactly.
What? Even if that pile over there is stuff Binny was supposed to do in the last ten minutes. Someone be- Get there and slave girl me some space juice. This is so wrong. So are poverty, slavery, and the sex bits of Bar Show 5.
Me? Who am I? What is my purpose? Your purpose. Your purpose is to work?
To work. That's all? Just to work forever. Sounds good. How can I help you? Boy. Close. I'll be right back.
I feel like he's going to decide working for the rest of his life isn't worth it. It sounds like everyone I know. And have you done hogging the machine? |
dropout | the_5_stages_of_getting_a_bad_haircut_ch_shorts | So I'm thinking just a trim, really? I want to go shorter on the sides, but leave a lot of the length on top. Okay, yeah, let's do it. It's a little short, right? It's fine.
She knows what she's doing. Does she? She must, right? She cuts hair for a living.
I'm not worried. Okay, because last week you said the guys at the oyster bar knew what they were doing, and then we got food poisoning. That's different. Oysters are mysterious beasts from the sea.
Hair's hair. Who's got hair?
Hm. Huh. What the fuck is going on? I don't know. How the fuck short is she gonna go? I don't know, this is crazy.
Run! Okay, where do I go?
I don't know, but say something. Oh. No, I don't want to say anything. What?
She's working hard on this. I don't want to make her feel bad. I can see your blood vessels through your scalp.
This is too short. It'll be awkward. It's so short.
I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. How's her life feel like? Good. Yeah, no, really good. If you say something right now, I'll suck your dick. I have a date tonight. I was excited about it. It's gonna tank. It is.
As always, could it be that I don't want someone who wants me? Because what kind of a person would have...
Shut the fuck up. Well, well, this is what I look like now. It'll go with your acne and your shitty clothes. Maybe it'll grow out nicely. Yeah, they say give a haircut a week.
Do they? I don't know, man.
Great. How do you like it? I love it. It's so much lighter. I love the way it feels. Cool. I'll charge her up front. Ah, great. You still suck my dick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for watching. |
dropout | ch_live_nyc_jake_and_amir_6 | and you're the one who wants it. Shaking Amir!
Can you read these text messages? I think it's mixed. Who doesn't want to hear them? I think I'm just going to read them. Defining! I'm going to read them. Okay, but if you read them, then I'll read the ones you sent me.
And this is a one-way street, bro. Two-way street?
Fuck me, okay. First one, you guys. From Amir to me at 12.15 a.m. What's up? Bruno, okay. LOL, for reals, though, what are you doing?
Same text message. Please text me back. Why aren't you talking to me? You there, let me know. And he signed it Amir, as if my phone doesn't know who it's coming from.
Okay, that was 12.15. Give me my 12.20. Over 35 minutes later, my lad. You felt like it.
Jake, what up? What up? Not what's up. What up?
Like I'm a piece of shit on your shoe. I responded, what up? Like I'm a piece of shit on your shoe.
Thirty minutes later, 12.28. Jake. Just let me guess. Sorry, you're right. What's up? Sorry, bro.
Too little, too late, motherfucker. And you said, too little, too late, motherfucker.
Now I'm in tears, and I'm going to burn your apartment down. Smoke you out like the fox that you are, which is when I heard screams from my neighbors and a psychopath lighting our building on fire. Okay, that's probably when you called the police and started texting me back, you a-hole.
Sorry. It's fine.
So I called the police. They arrested you, I think, because you left me a voicemail.
Can we play the voicemail? No, we can't play voicemail. Play the voicemail.
Bonjour, Jacques. Hey, Jake. Tis I. Tis I, then you're on a visit. Ha ha, palindrome.
I'm in jail. And, uh, let me think. Oh, yeah. I'm about to be bailed out. So, yes. Come get me out of jail.
I'm not pissed. I just cannot believe you let this go straight to voicemail.
Thank you. Oh, thank you very much.
Forget me out of jail. Anyway, I'm at prison, bitch, so come get me out, sucker.
Peace. You need specifics, so know that I have a central booking on Wall Street and Richmond Terrace near Civic Center in Staten Island. I'll be the crazy motherfucker waiting for you to come get me. Later. My bail is high, so please do arrive as soon as possible. Me is scared, though. Oh, yeah. One more thing. You just got regrow, bitch.
Come get me out of jail. Peace. I'm in jail.
So, how is that weird? Ooh! |
SaturdayNightLive | verizon_4g_lte_snl | You've been hearing a lot about Verizon's new 4g Lte. you should be. it's Verizon's fastest, most reliable 4g network. with 4g Lte, you'll get speeds up to 10 times faster than 3g. So what does that mean? Well, let's say you've got the new Htc Thunderbolt, or even the Lg Vortex. you can hook up your Htc or your Lg to your 4g Lte. And you'll have Verizon's 4g Lte in over 190 cities and 118 airports. So it's faster? Well, let's say you've got the new Droid Razor by Motorola, Or the Htc Resound, Or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus. you're talking 4g Lte on almost our entire 3g footprint.
One song, four seconds. the song is four seconds? one movie, one hour. download? a 10mb Powerpoint presentation at 15 seconds. I really don't know what that means.
Are you a small business owner? No, I live off a settlement. you're a Native American? not on a settlement, office settlement.
I got hit by a city bus. got it. Well, let's say you were starting a small business and you wanted to run the entire business from your smartphone. Oh, I wouldn't want to do that. like your Droid Razor, your Htc Resound, or even your Samsung Galaxy Nexus. that sounds terrible. Here's your 3g network. What? Put it this way.: if you want 4g Lte, then you have to buy a Droid Biono, or a Samsung Stratus, or a Pantec Breakdown, Or a Compact Mini-netbook, Or the Droid Cyborg Tablet. And what if I drop it in the toilet? it breaks immediately. Thanks. Verizon. it's an old person's nightmare. |
TheOnion | Actor_Shows_Incredible_Lack_Of_Commitment_To_Role_By_Staying_Out_Of_Character_Even_During_Takes | The supernatural love story Winter's Tale comes out tomorrow, and Buzz is building for Colin Farrell's performance. Farrell's director and co-stars say the brash Irish actor refused to stay in character even while cameras were rolling. Jamie Ferguson has been following the production since day one. Hi Shane. So, I understand Farrell refused to read the script or learn anything about his role. That's right. He has a very specific style of acting. He insists that cast and crew refer to him as Colin whenever he's on set, even during takes. You can really see it in this scene, where he doesn't even know the character he's playing in the film.
You alright? I'm Abby. What's your name? I don't know.
Wow. It almost feels like you're not even watching a movie.
And as we just saw, he spoke with his own Irish accent despite the film being set in America. Farrell also avoided any physical transformation, right? No, Colin stayed the exact same way, kept his beard, and didn't change out of his street clothes. He really embodied Colin Farrell. Totally. In fact, when he came back for reshoots with long hair, he said he would not cut it to match the existing footage, because that's not something Colin Farrell would do. So it wasn't just a physical lack of alteration. He mentally stayed himself. Oh, completely lost his character in himself. He spent the whole production sleeping till 2.30 in Colin Farrell's house, snacking on foods Colin Farrell would eat, and even lived the last 20 years as a drunken Irish rogue who does and takes whatever he wants. I heard Jennifer Connelly started adopting his methods. That is right, and it really shows. Check out this scene where Connelly showed up on set with no preparation whatsoever.
Beverly. Her name is Beverly.
And Colin's other co-stars were equally impressed. Jessica Brown Finley recently tweeted, You haven't seen acting until you've watched Colin Farrell interrupt a scene to ask if he can go home now. Thanks, Jamie. Coming up next, 10 picks of hot stars who are really ghosts that only you can see. |
Wizards_with_Guns | homecoming_soldier_surprises_the_wrong_dad | Who's Darn Kids? I'M A HOLE! What the hell?
Who are you? Wait, you're not my dad. No, I'm sorry. You must have the wrong house. Hey! Are you attacking that soldier? No, it's not what it looks like.
Oh, well, I have a package for you. Sign here. Okay.
Actually, I'm normally very supportive of the troops. I would never actually hit a soldier.
Surprise! Oh!
I'm so sorry! Why would you hit me? It was a complete accident. You just came out of nowhere.
This isn't my house. No, it's my house.
That's what I'm trying to say. Hey, why in God's green earth did you have to come out of that box? What do you mean?
It's a perfectly whimsical way to surprise your family. Well, it's got a great way to give someone a heart attack. It almost scared me half to death.
Sharon? I'm home! This ain't Sharon's house. Hello? I'm home! I gotta get out of here!
He still recognizes me! Tiffany, I'm back and I've got one question.
Ah! Oh!
Did you miss me? You broke so much!
Ah! I'm a soldier! Ah! So perfectly whimsical way to surprise your family! Ah! Surprise!
I'll be back when you're born. I came back forot. Nicht bin zur Hausser.
Ha ha ha ha! Let's try that again! Oh! I'm back. Ah! Let's try that again. How did that look?
Now kiss me. I'll never kiss under action.
It's been so long. Did you miss me? You broke so much. Thanks for watching! |
cracked | the_conspiracy_behind_dennis_rodman_s_visit_to_north_korea | The internet is all ablaze with talk of Dennis Rodman making an unexpected visit to North Korea. Funny stuff says most news media outlets, but we say something else. Dennis Rodman obviously is a United States spy. That's still hilarious, but it also sounds like something a lunatic would say. So hear me out. For starters, North Korea is a madhouse right now. What with the missiles and the nuclear tests and whatnot.
We can't just send anyone though. We tried that a few weeks ago when Google executive chairman Eric Schmidt visited the country that happiness forgot and scored zero FaceTime with their adorable if not for all of the populous brutalizing little leader. Probably because let us sell internet to your citizens or we'll leak pictures of your death camps to the internet is a threat that only works on countries that actually have internet access.
But why Dennis Rodman? Fun fact, the Kim Jongs are huge basketball fans. And the Michael Jordan lead Bulls of the 90s of which Rodman was a key member were a favorite in the household.
That makes him just the kind of guy who can get this close to Kim Jong Un. That's the worm sitting courtside with the dictator at an exhibition basketball game in North Korea. Which pitted members of the Harlem Globetrotters against a team of North Korean players. Like this tall drink of water who photo bombs every North Korean propaganda photo simply by being the only person in the country who isn't Stallone sized.
It was all but a foregone conclusion that Rodman would get close. But what would motivate him to act on behalf of the United States government? Easy. Back in December, the courts ordered him to pay a whopping $500,000 in back-due child support. If you think the government can't make a debt like that go away in exchange for a little undercover work for your country, you haven't seen the trailer for The Rock's almost certainly terrible new film. It's based on actual events, which makes it damn near a documentary in this intellectual climate. So fine, we've got reason to want to spy there and a perfect candidate with plenty of motive to agree to do it. But what good is all of that if we're counting on Dennis Rodman's celebrity rehab-addled mind to report back with the goods? Not a problem.
They let him bring a f***ing television crew into North Korea. Still, that's awfully unsafe, right? To just send a bunch of regular citizens with cameras into a country that has no qualms about holding American journalists captive and accusing them of spying? How does the State Department have no position at all on this?
Well, let's take a look at the website that he's traveling with, Vice.com. There are two people who refer to having fun as Vice, religious nuts, and law enforcement officials. There isn't a lot of Jesus talk on Vice, but there are plenty of stories about unrest in Palestine and collections of interviews with fringe politicians. You know, typical website shit. Not at all like a depository of Homeland Security briefings hidden among piles of titty pictures and sneaker reviews. Something about all of those stories from third world shitholes tells me Dennis Rodman isn't traveling with a bunch of tech bloggers. Of course, Vice will deny this.
Like any wing of the federal government, they have a long history of issuing misleading propaganda when the little guy gets too close to the truth. Written by Jamie Lee Curtis, nice alias officer. This is Adam Todd Brown for crack.com saying good night and you have no idea how full of lies we can really be.
You'd like it. You know you'd like it. I'd like it.
So, if you could do me just this great big favor, I'll be your best friend forever. Please. |
dropout | I_Don_t_Have_Fingernails_Because_I_Actually_Know_How_to_Finger_a_Woman_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we don't know what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Amanda Hugun-kiss. And I'm old enough to remember Amanda Hugun-kiss being a joke on The Simpsons in 1994.
Death and worse, irrelevance seem closer every passing day. Our top story tonight, Yelp is launching a dating service for the awful misanthropes who use their site. Oh, I love Yelp. Me too. I like knowing that if I leave anything other than a five star review, I've materially contributed to the ongoing immiseration of shift workers and that they're literally powerless to defend themselves against my thoughtless cruelty. The other day I left two stars for a coffee shop where I said the service wasn't friendly enough because for a one dollar tip, I expect to get my snatch worked like. I bet I had it. And you're going to love Yelp Date. It's a service that matches you with other Yelp users based on how prickish and unreasonable you seem in your essays about how your table didn't have a nice enough view. I like to think of them as 500 assholes. Boy, I wish I'd had Yelp Date before I went on the worst date of my life.
Let me think here. Just make one off me. Who's getting now? So one time I we were supposed to go to a restaurant, but the the reservations fell through. So we just ended up going to the dorm room and watching Mind of Mencia against my wishes. You know, I'd go out on a date with you. Oh, yeah? Yeah, but I'm a terrible date. Ask anyone. Now, what would we do?
I'd start off the night arriving two hours late. OK. The whole time I'd be calling you and saying, I'm almost there. Just give me literally a minute. Great.
So I wouldn't go. So you wouldn't go anywhere.
And then every five minutes, I'm almost there. Just give me a minute. This goes on for two hours. I picked you up two hours late.
The whole time I'm in a terrible mood. Why are you in a bad mood? Crying.
And I won't. Every time you try to ask me, I say, it's none of your business. Stop it. OK. I don't want to talk about it. And then any time you don't ask about it, I say, don't you care about me? Why don't you ask me what's wrong with me?
And then that goes on for two more hours. And then I get tired. I fall asleep wherever we are.
Behind the wheel? Behind the wheel.
And then you have to you have to go home. You have to walk home.
Well, I wasn't in the car when you fell asleep behind the wheel. No. Where was I?
Fuck you.
Well, that sounds rough. Oh, yeah. I'm a nightmare, baby.
We'll go now, Captain Cod. An old sea salt here. What am I saying? We'll go now, Captain Cod. An old sea salt here to tell us how he plans to catch the shark that's been terrorizing the town.
Hi. You know me. You know how I earn a living. I'll find her for you. But you have to pay up. Hey. Oh, no. I don't have fingernails because I actually know how to finger a woman.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
You young folks have soft hands, rich boy hands, never done a day of work in your life. I'll catch this fish and they'll kill it. But it ain't going to be easy. Captain, why don't you draw us a diagram of how you'll catch this great white? Hey. There ain't nothing great about her.
Now here's the plan. What we're going to do here is we're going to... This is the shark. Wait, no. You got to do... All right. There you go. Here's the shark. This is just like in Jaws. So what we're going to do is we get just a fucking aircraft carrier of a ship. You're going to need a bigger board. Yeah, no. We just nuke it. We nuke that motherfucker straight to kingdom come. This is a bomb. It's a berry. And then the shark goes... We collect the smithereens. Aye, that's the plan.
Captain, that's a little simplistic. Don't you tell me, simple. I've been out on the blue since he was nothing but a fry, which is the name for a baby fish. But not long enough to learn me some shanties.
Like this one. Oh my God, really? Okay. Fuck, fuck.
Is Erica trying to remember the one shanty she knows? Captain. No, no, no. You're innocent and listen to me shanty. Captain. I remember the tune of that TikTok one. Let's begin shanting. This is shanties.
You do very well on TikTok. Ahoy! I don't know what TikTok is.
Fair enough. I'm old enough to understand that Jaws reference too. One day I'll die and so will everyone who knew me and it will be like I was never even here.
We'll turn now to WolfMarinade who, here to give us some survival tips, if we ever find ourselves stranded in nature. The wilderness. Everything you need to know is right there in the name. Wilderness. It's wilder out there if you ever find yourself in a situation where it's you versus nature, you want to be prepared.
Food can be hard to come by and this is no time to be dainty about what you eat. Meat is the best source of calories and protein, which your body will need.
To catch small game, you can make a trap out of some reeds like these. I'll show you how to make a rudimentary snare to trap small animals. Now you might be saying to yourself, these are really just sticks. How on earth would that turn into a sophisticated trap?
And I'm glad you asked. What you're going to want to do is you're going to want to start by putting one of these sticks on the ground, right? Just like that. Pretend that this is the ground. Oh, I'm tangled. Pretend that this is ground level. Then with one of these other sticks, you are going to want to tie it, just like sort of this, in order so that when the animal enters the first one of these sticks, you'll be able to pull it. And once you pull it, and then with these, this third stick, you're going to want to eat this one because there's no way on earth this is working. That's food.
But in survival situations, dehydration is a killer. There's a chance you'll find yourself in an area with no fresh water. That doesn't mean you're out of luck, though. There's always a water source nearby.
This one. I see you've read ahead, Wilderness. You've read the next line.
Oh, baby. Grant O'Brien, you little wiener.
This is human urine. The risks posed by drinking your own urine are very small in comparison to dehydration. You want to be careful drinking someone else's. In this case, though, the urine has been sterilized, so it's perfectly safe for me to drink on camera. Oh, God. I'll have a swig of it right now to show you that it's not dangerous. It certainly couldn't be worse than a hot dog smoothie. What is this? Urine. Sterilized urine. It's sterilized urine.
Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug. That's not chug. Unbelievable. Oh, that does not taste good.
I hope these tips keep you safe outdoors. Thanks, Wolf. That does it for us.
But before we go, we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Erica. As punishment, they have to sing harmony to the sea shanty TikTok style. What do you do with a drunken sailor or lie in the morning?
Wait up, she rises. Or lie in the morning. |
SaturdayNightLive | horror_movie_trailer_snl | I'm gonna get some more popcorn. You want some? Sure.
Sometimes a familiar face can be the most terrifying in political news. President Biden has said he intends to run for re-election in 2024. You trust them. once. I know he's a little old, but he gets to win right? He beat Trump, but can he beat Desantis?
I don't know.
Can you trust him again? He's 79 now. elections in two years, so that means feels like nothing's going right. Gas prices are still kind of high, even though it kind of is. Why are we so worried? He's done so much student debt relief, holding Nato together, infrastructure bill, but he fell off his bike once.
Wait. According to this article, he's not actually gonna run in 2024. He's just saying he is to present a united front before the midterms. Oh, what a relief. Yeah, I mean, I love the guy, but he did his part. But if Biden's not gonna run, who will.
Just when you thought the terror was over, I don't know. I don't know.
Kamala Quick. You realize it's just beginning. There's gotta be someone. He's corny. Listen to yourself from the Producers of Smile and the twisted minds of Morning Joe. Not again. I have the perfect candidate. babe. A superstar who can go all the way. Sometimes your best option I'm with is the one you fear the most. There has to be someone.
A Biden? Maybe. Are we back to Biden? Biden Biden. So Biden Biden's great, right? He's by. |
cracked | why_the_paranormal_activity_family_really_moved_out | Hey, mare bear, did you get my note? What note?
I'm gonna fridge my jam note. Couldn't find a pen so I improv jammed. Anyway, we're out of jam.
Look, he's my brother. I can't just... Whatever, it's fine. Baby, don't be like that. I'm trying to, like, be cute with the camera.
Oh man.
Come on. It's here. Hello? You don't have to be afraid. You can come out. We're your friends.
Really? Man, I did not think you guys would be cool with this. It kind of ruins it for me, actually. You let the faucet on, big shit.
I don't know what else to say. I can't take it anymore.
Did you know that he's three weeks late for rent?
Yes. Oh my god, you're so stupid. Larry, you mean what? Of course. You mean Larry. You're so dumb. Okay.
Well, look, my mom... She begged me to take him in. She calls me like...
That's fair. Yeah. That's totally fair.
Get the camera. K-N-O-H-U-K-I-L... Oh! My bad, guys.
I thought you were sleeping. Where are your pants? I thought you were sleeping.
What does that mean? The ghost is gone. Thanks, Larry. What ghost? Oh shit! That bitch is a ghost?
Get out! God. I'm just checking for stuff. I fucking hate you. What's stuff? You're stuff. Why? It was a nice house. Too bad. Hey, you guys need help moving anything?
Just die, Larry. Just die. We just can't anymore.
Are you just a ghost, you pussy? Yeah, the ghost. When you talk to mom, you tell her we're moving out because of the ghost.
I know! God! You told me like 30 times. Oh my god, can we just go? Okay, okay. You'll be back. Done it! Ghost!
So, you, you know, have killed you. Oh, yeah, I don't even really care about that anymore. I just, you know...
How do you get out of there? Tell me about it. Yeah. So where to? Um, you know, why don't you just drop me off on third?
I think I'm going to haunt the Arby's. Ew. What? Arby's?
Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want me to say something? Oh, okay. I'm just so used to you only caring about what I'm wearing or my boobs or what I look like. But, okay, I'll tell you what. How about you click subscribe and we'll forget this whole thing ever happened. You like that. |
dropout | george_r_r_martin_ruins_christmas_hardly_working | All right, everybody. We have a special visitor. He has a bushy white beard, a great big belly, and he comes from a snowy fantasy land. Here he is.
Merry Christmas.
It's like this year old dead fucker. Your old pal George RR is coming to make all your Game of Thrones, which has come true. Oh, fuck. Yeah.
Hello. Hello, Mr. Martin.
What I really want more than anything is for Arya to finally reunite with Jon Snow. Well, have you been a good boy, Patrick?
Yes, yes. Then your wish shall come true. Let's see here.
Arya arrived at the wall and is, well, reunited with her long-lost half-brother. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say her half-brother? I meant half of her brother because Jon Snow has ripped in half by a giant.
Please stop torturing Theon Greyjoy. That's all I want. Oh, I'm so sorry, Mike Twerp, but unfortunately Theon's on my naughty list and everyone on my naughty list gets their dick chopped off.
They're tits. I'm glad it's your butthole.
We got Theon. Littlefinger. Brienne. She's the bravest knight in Westeros.
Ha! Not in my next book, but she blesses out with the red witch and betrays Lamey Lannister. Oh, come on.
I'm talking real. Real.
Oh! I want Daenerys Targaryen to forgive Jorah Mormont and let him back into her army.
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I mean, they belong together. Yeah, I like it. Yeah. So you'll do it.
Oh, no. I was just talking about these sweet-ass cookies. I just saw about seven or ten sleeves of them. Hey, look. They've got a little raisins inside. You want to try? No, it's covered in beard hair. Suit yourself.
What about Jorah and Daenerys? Oh, well, he's skinned alive and she trades in her dragons for nice pair shoes. Fuck you! Oh, someone just earned herself a spot on the naughty list. Brienne! Brienne.
What? No!
Ha! Free prostitutes each killed more sadistically than the last. By Joffrey! Ha!
Then Mr. R.R. Joffrey's dead. He couldn't possibly. Oh, no, no. He comes back as White Walker. Fine. Then Sam Tarly will kill him with his magical dagger that he found. He would, except he woke up in the middle of the night and ate Gilly in his sleep. He didn't even do that. That's his true love. Sorry. He's just so fucking depressed that he jumps off the wall and lands on Bran, killing them both.
Can you not kill Tyrion? Oh, not to worry, Emcounter. He's alive and well, as his tiny legs are being cooked by a giant fire-breathing dragon. Hey, didn't you hear? I just fried alive your favorite guy.
Why so dry in the eyes?
Well, Mr. Martin, it's Christmas. If killing Tyrion makes you happy, then that's my Christmas gift to you. Christmas gift? For old R.R. Boy, I'm just filled with Christmas cheer.
And cheesesteaks. Island night, holy night, all is calm. All right, they're in a group. Call them. Hey, Pat from College Humor here.
No! |
ClickHole | good_samaritan_man_shouts_sex_talk_to_boy_stuck_at_bottom_of_well | Hey there, buddy, don't worry.
One day you'll find someone who loves you in a special way that no one has before. When you find that person, someone that you trust and fully love, sex can be a beautiful thing. Sex is not just a physical experience, it's also an emotional connection. You need to be aware of both of those aspects when you become intimate with someone. To keep yourself physically healthy, you should use protection, at least until you're in a long-term committed relationship and prepare for the consequences that can come from that choice. For now, make sure to use condoms.
Listen, buddy, there's no need to get upset about all this. There's a whole world of other relationships out there for you to experience and other things to explore. But do anything you don't feel comfortable with.
All I want is what's best for you in life, and that includes safe and fulfilling sexual activity. I hope you find support for whatever gender or genders you're attracted to. And remember, your parents just want you to be happy, safe, and healthy. I am so proud to be the one to have this conversation with you. I wish you the best, buddy. Good luck. |
SaturdayNightLive | emma_stone_five_timers_monologue_snl | Ladies and gentlemen, Emma Stone! thank you so much. it is so great to be back. it's my fifth time hosting Snl. it's always been my favorite show, and since I started hosting, it's also become just a huge part of my life. And I have made so many memories here, and so many friends, and I even met my husband at Snl. I know he's pretty camera shy. he's not a performer, but it's such a special night for us. I'd love for the cameras to cut to him, if that's okay. I'm so honored to be joining the Snl Five Timers Club.
Did somebody say me? No, nobody said mean girls.
Well, either way, Emma, welcome to the Five Timers Club. At 35 years old, you are officially the youngest member. you are the second youngest at 53. but you're going to love it in there. Twenty years ago, they even added a whole women's section. it was actually Candace Bergen's idea. You created the Five Timers Club women's section?
What's it like in there? It's got everything. it's got showers, a locker room, a big portrait with the eyes cut out so Martin Short can peek in. But doesn't the portrait work both ways? Like, could you peek into the guys' section?
Oh, you don't want to do that. I looked in there once and saw a creepy ventriloquist with a ventriloquist dummy staring at me. Oh, no, that's John Mulaney.
Candace, you should be proud of what you built. Well, I am. You know, the women's section started out as a small, quiet place to cry. but over the years, it became a big, luxurious place to cry. that's so nice. So it wasn't around when you first joined, Tina? no, no, things were very different back in the 2010s. Tiktok didn't exist. there were still fat celebrities because no, it was Epic. And, you know, Network Tv was in its heyday. I mean, my show, 30 Rock, was watched by Six million people a week. A million people a week? was that a lot? at the time, no. but today, no. Anyway, Emma, this is your day. you're part of Snl Herstory.
Time to get your official Five Timers Club jacket. Five Timers Club.
Thank you. This is amazing. This, honestly, oh, no. this has been a dream of mine since I was a kid, and it means so much that I get to share this moment with you guys. So, thank you. is this a joint? Oh, that must be Woody Harrelson's jacket. there's also a vaccine card in here. Oh, then it's definitely not Woody's. Well, we've got a great show for you tonight. |
cracked | did_you_know_barbara_walters_boinked_richard_pryor | Did y'all know that Barbara Walters boinked Richard Pryor? I didn't. And it turns out, a lot of people didn't know, until last week, when Joy Behar and Sherri Shepard kind of blew up her spot. But it's not just Barbara. A lot of people don't know that Richard Pryor was kind of sucking and f**king his way through the entertainment industry. First of all, he was raised in a brothel and his mom was a sex worker, so he always had a very open attitude about sex. My dude had seven marriages and a ton of affairs with stars like Pam Grier, Margot Kidder, and once a drag queen that he said looked like Josephine Baker. In 1977, at a gay rights event at the Hollywood Bowl, he said verbatim into a microphone, I have sucked d**k. And finally, his last wife, Jennifer Lee Pryor, confirmed that he hooked up with none other than Marlon Brando. Yeah, the godfather. He also said they had plenty of threesomes, and when it came to his sexuality, instead of putting labels on it, Richard just saw himself as a sexualized creature who wasn't afraid of exploration and experimentation. Good on you, Richard. |
TheOnion | Homeless_Man_Describes_Horrors_Of_Sleeping_During_Community_Theater_Production_Of_The_Tempest | Being homeless is a hard life. You're alone at the mercies of the elements. You never know where your next meal is coming from. And then the pre-recorded, royalty-free orchestral music begins to play over the park's shitty audio system, and you know you're about to spend the next three hours in hell. You can't imagine the horrible conditions homeless people face while sleeping in a public park doing a community theater performance of Shakespeare's The Tempest. I haven't been able to get a moment's rest for days now because of the endless rehearsals, but it doesn't even seem to matter since they can't remember their lines.
Full Fathom 5, my father lies. Of his bones are coral-made. Jesus, it's not that hard.
And these families show up hours before the show starts spreading their blankets out, taking up MySpace and letting their kids run around screaming. I'm constantly on edge out here. You just never know what's going to happen next. Caliban walks on stage in the beginning of Act 1, and he's not supposed to show up until the third scene. It's just awful. And then, after the curtain call, just when you think the worst has passed, the cast decides to have their damn after-party on the stage. I've been in a nightmare. It's not like I can go to the other park either. They're doing our town, and there's no fucking way I'm sitting through that. |
dropout | our_big_the_dress_sketch | No, but if you, if you like really think about it, a hot dog is the same thing as a hamburger. It's not. I have thought about it.
Hey, sorry I'm late. Just been crazy out there today.
Nice dress, Pat. Blue is my favorite color. But what are you talking about, Murph? That dress is clearly white and these shoes are clearly gold. Are you insane? Those shoes are black. The dress is blue. It's blue and black! It's white and gold! And that's a cut!
Thank you very much, gentlemen. Crew, that'll be it for the day. Pat, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, sure. Guys, for a second. Sure. Hey, Sam, what's going on?
We're doing the big topical sketch about that color-changing dress that recently went viral. Unfortunately, people stop caring about that almost immediately, so the video is no longer relevant. Okay. All right, so that's, I guess, what about the script I wrote? Just dump it with the other topical sketches that we never made. Oh. We actually made this one.
Thanks for watching. Click here to subscribe to College Humor and here to watch more videos where you can catch all the labs. |
dropout | hardly_working_phantom_of_the_office | Does anyone have an older version of AIM? This new one's impossible to navigate. How do I add a buddy?
I just joined the largest group on Facebook. But I'm not really sure if that's true. There's only 30,000 people in it. I'm almost positive there's a bigger one. Oh snap, has anyone seen this 9-11 blog? It means the whole thing was a conspiracy. Wild.
I've been thinking about getting a cat. I don't want to get all the accoutrement, like a litter box and a leash. You know what I just realized? I haven't been to Taco Bell in exactly a year. One year.
Hey, does anyone have the new Beastie Boys on their iTunes? Could you share it? Pitchfork says it's the hotness. Oh fat, cookies. Could anyone flatten this and slide it into my mouth hole for me? Fine, I need not the calories. So what's the deal? Can I just snag these? Can I just snag a few of these, or do I have to pay?
Boss, I'm afraid I'm going to be late tomorrow. A general malaise seems to have come over me.
How many spins do you think I can get? I'm one push. One. Two's the new record. I need new desk. See if you can beat two. |
cracked | elon_musk_s_time_at_twitter_explained_with_the_titanic | This is an Elon Musk Twitter Timeline analogy. Musk buys the Twitter Tannic for $44 billion and fires its former captains. I'm Elon Musk! A lot of the wealthy people who paid for tickets on the Twitter Tannic say, We have a feeling you're gonna sink the ship, so they leave before it takes off. As soon as they take off, they hit an iceberg called No One Wants to Associate with Elon Musk. The boat starts sinking. While sinking, Elon opens an exclusive penthouse called Twitter Tannic Blue for a premium spot on the sinking ship. But less than 1% of people on the ship buy a room and they're mostly sex workers, right-wing activists, and cryptocurrency accounts. Now everyone's main job on the ship is to keep throwing buckets of water overboard to keep from going under, but Elon won't stop firing staff and sending them home. Now Elon has made an announcement on the P.A. that anyone who is not ready to be extremely hardcore and work long hours at high intensity on the Twitter Tannic can take a lifeboat and leave right now.
Increase speed beyond reason! Heavy. Yes, I believe I am. What will happen next? Okay, let's get even harder and swaddier! |
TheOnion | The_Onion_Reviews_Dawn_of_the_Planet_of_the_Apes | We don't mean any harm! They're apes, man. You think they understand what you're saying? Do they look like just apes to you?
This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. Today I'll be looking at Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, the latest installment in the science fiction franchise about the rise of hyper-intelligent apes and a movie that prompts me, a film critic who has devoted the vast sum of his life to the art of cinema, to ask Hollywood, is this the best you got? Do you really think I can't handle another goddamn rebooted franchise? It's gonna take a whole lot more than an army of CGI monkeys to break me, ya fucks. The eighth film in the apes franchise, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, is, of course, a sequel to the 2011 reboot of the 2001 remake, which is really just fine by me. Prequels, sequels, remakes. All I can say is, keep them coming, cocksuckers. Do a 3D re-release of all eight for all I care.
I can take it. In fact, I love it. I thrive on it.
Every steaming piece of shit you throw at me only makes me stronger. Fucking feed me, because you sons of bitches sure can't beat me.
Why? Thirty-five years as a film critic, that's why. Three film studies degrees, that is fucking why.
You think I'm just gonna roll over because you ballbags threw some ape movie my way? You're kidding yourself if you think I can't find some trenchant, sociopolitical critique in this little monkey cum rag. Don't think I won't say humanity's struggle with the nascent ape civilization isn't a metaphor for our own species' fear of annihilation through artificial intelligence. Or a Rorschach test for the nation's anxiety over the decline of the American empire.
I can scoop that shit out of my ass in half the time it'd take you to greenlight Mighty Ducks 4. The fact that you're serving up this itty-bitty turd in the first place means I've already won. I am Peter fucking Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion. If any of you shits at Miramax or Universal or Warner Brothers are listening, don't insult me with these softballs. What's it gonna be, Wild Wild West 2 or another Hansel and Gretel? How about you get some rookie screenwriter to reboot a beloved classic? Oh, my dick's just getting hard thinking about Casablanca 2. Please, just fucking do it. Hell, release three Citizen Kane sequels on the same day. I'll cram them all up my asshole back to back to back. Come on, I dare you.
You see this? This is my paycheck. Look at it. It means nothing to me anymore. I do this because it's how I get off. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_eddie_murphy_on_his_new_apartment_snl | Well, our own Eddie Murphy just moved into his own apartment this past week. Eddie, how does it feel to be out on your own, huh? Brian feels great. he really does. You know, last week I moved into a 10-story high-rise apartment on Long Island. it's the best feeling to where I feel like a grown man now. I'm 20 years old. I think it was time to get out. And it was like the first time I ever got to live alone, right?
I was on the 10th floor, standing on my terrace, stroking my cat, mittin',' right? and I was looking down. And did you ever hear that theory that if you threw a cat off a high place, it'd land on all fours? Well, it's true. nine out of ten times anyway, man. Then I got to thinking, do all animals land on their feet?
I got a pet goldfish named Sammy. threw Sammy out the terrace, too. Then it hit me. goldfish don't have feet. Then it hit Sammy. all that was left was a little gold spot on the ground. which made a great target for my dog, Bruiser. by this time, Bruiser was pretty hip to what was going on. he went into my room and hid under the bed. but I went inside and went up to Bruiser and said. and he came out. stupid dog.
I felt pretty bad about what happened to Bruiser. I needed someone to talk to. but I live alone.
I do, however, have a pet parrot named Mitchell. I got to wondering, do parrots land on their feet? I know you're probably thinking, hey, Eddie, parrots can fly. not if they had their wings clipped. actually, it was pretty funny seeing Mitchell discover he couldn't fly anymore. he was falling to the ground. he looked at me and said, eddie, you slimy, no good.
Then he hit the ground. And the super came pounding on my dog.
Mr. Murphy, why are you trying on the animals on the window? When I looked at him, I looked at him. what surprised me was, you crazy animals all over the place. Did you ever hear that theory that if you threw a Puerto Rican out the window, he'd land on his feet?
Well, they don't. But that's our little secret.
Brian? thank you, Eddie. sounds like you got a regular zoo over there, Eddie. Oh, it was. it was. you ought to come over and visit some time, Brian. I loved you. bring your kids. Well, that's the news. good night and good news. |
dropout | precious_plum_a_bat_named_dog | My name is Plum, I'm 6 years old, and I'm a pretty quiet mama driving me around a patch. I think I might be giving birth. She's my precious Plum. Today Plum is competing to be America's next top slut one day in the windmill of a mini golf course in Dictown, New Jersey.
And a one and a two and a jump jump split. Oh mama, that hurts my pussy. Now we evil. My mama said when I learned to dance, she's gonna get me a dog. Yeah, I'll just say that as a lie.
But then I heard something flapping around in the fireplace, and I put a shoebox to it, and boom, a fucking patch. Surprise plumbers.
No, don't pop it up.
Aah!
So I got this thing where I don't like being in cars with bats. So Plum and me, we got the heck out of there. But then I realized with a big fuck, we ain't got no kids. I'm gonna eat my asshole. So Mama and I played a game called break the window.
Oh, shit. Fucking shit. This is shit. Shit on me. Fucking bag. We lost.
All right, plan B, I'm gonna lower in through the moon top. Mission Impossible style, ready? All right, here we go, Plum. One, two, three. I got him. Okay, come on out. I'm stuck. Fucking another bag. So Plum got her fat ass stuck in a moon top.
But do Olympic cripples stop running? No.
They start wheeling. They start wheeling around like a fucking freak show. And a one and a two and a jump, jump split.
Ow, my pussy. Well, I didn't even touch you that time. So Plum didn't place because apparently I'm a monster. But at the end of a long day, we just happened to be beat and wide.
Do it. What? Get the fuck that dog out of the control. |
SaturdayNightLive | kerry_campaign_stop_snl | So, in conclusion, let me restate my position. I would like to order one Blt and one Caesar salad with two place settings and a third napkin. I'm John Kerry, and I approve that order.
Oh, Teresa, wasn't I wonderful in the debate? John, the election is in 31 days, and we need to make them love you the way they love me. Teresa, Ains, Gary, getting to know you, getting to know about you. Oh, now cut out that singing there, Teresa. James Carville! that's right, that's right. Teresa, we got voters out there, and you sound crazy in a tomcat and a bag of squirrels. we can't have that now. James, you are the Best. come on. So, tell us, James, are you here to congratulate me on my debate performance, Or is your visit Serendipitous? Srendipitous? John, you use too many words. you don't get too excited. Now, you beat George Bush in a talking contest. that's like Wilt Chamberlain played basketball against Stephen Hawking and beat him by two points. a man can't talk, John. Oh, fighting! I'm so glad we're running for President.
John, we got to get you more tough. you know what I'm saying? we got to get you more republican, give you some edge, you know? they say you're a flip-flopper. what'd you say back? Well, I tried to explain that my voting record has many nuances. Oh, I saw. I just fell asleep, and when I woke up, you lost the whole election right there. Yeah, try this. you call me a flip-flopper. you're a flip-flopper. No, I'm not. Next question. Now, James, I am gaining in the polls. Yeah, you did good, you did good, but you got to do better. your advisers tell you to be more human. what do you do? you go windsurfing. you want to be more human, you got to do people' things. play baseball, drive a car, use a telephone. we got wind blowing down people's homes in Florida and what John Kerry doing with that wind. he's surfing on it, having a grand on it. Now, now, that's not entirely fair.
Man, democrats always want fair. I told you, we got to get more Republican. Dick Cheney goes on the Tv, says, if people vote for you, we're going to get hit by terrorists. Let me tell you what I would do with Dick Cheney. he says something like that about me.
All right, I can go to his house in the wintertime, fill his basement with water, kick in all the windows, and it frees solid like a rock. All right, then ice expands. his whole house will crumble down around him. I'll just be sitting up there on the hill laughing at him.
Ah, look at you, Dick Cheney. what'd you do about it, John Kerry? Nothing. Oh, just a moment. And another thing.
Please, God Almighty, if you go to the Pottery Barn, it's not. You break it, you fix it. why the hell you say that? if you break it, you buy it. Have you ever been to a Pottery Barn? Oh, no, I've never been there. of course not.
Ah, our sustenance has arrived. it's room service, John. use the small words. I've got it from here, Consuela. stay sweet. Carl, we got to wrap this up. I want to get back down to that swimming pool. Bill, I thought you were recuperating. Look, I couldn't sit around in some hospital bed when there's so much to be done. Bill, I don't need any more campaign advice. campaign? that's not why I'm here.
I'm in Florida because these hurricanes have put a lot of trailer park ladies on the street. And the only thing better than a trailer park girl is one that is desperate. one that is what? what's up, Buttercup? hey, hey, hey, watch it, Bill. that's my wife you're talking to.
Oh, now, lord have mercy, John. watching you two show affections like watching two lobsters in a kung fu movie. I agree. I thought you might. Theresa Hines, you are a firecracker. I can think of 57 varieties of things I'd like to do. Bill, and I would do it with relish. Bill, I am begging you. you can run, Theresa, but I'll catch you up. you know, I know that was bad, James, but it felt so damn good. that was hilarious, but now is not the time for laughing and goofing around and all.
Zell Miller says you give the troops spitballs to defend themselves. and what did you do? nothing. You know what I would do? you'd fill his basement with water. No, no, no, so he now already did that. they'd know it was me, All right? I'd go to Zell Miller's house when he's not there, not steal everything, but his camera and a toothbrush. a couple of weeks later, he goes to pick up his picture at the photo mat. You know what happens? I'd jump out from behind a tree and hit him with a baseball bat. that's what I'd make him think twice about going after Jimmy Carver right there.
I have only one thing to say. Trust this man. Now, John, if I can give you one piece of advice from my life in Politics, one thing I could change, it is this.: Ditch the wife. come on, Carvo. grab the car. you got it, Mr. President. |
cracked | 8_times_your_favorite_actors_almost_died_on_film | There's a funny story here where this guy, the one that just kicked her, he wouldn't hit her with the stick, and he didn't want to hit a woman. Now watch this, real, real, and real. Clint shoots, the guy goes, the rope splits, and the horse says, I'm not making movies anymore, and he takes all with me on it. And as the last car goes by, out of each door of the train was an iron wedge where you could step off and step on. And if I had raised my head four inches, I'd have been decapitated. What they hadn't counted on was somebody coming out of their house, getting in their car, and driving into our shop. That's a real gunshot. We'd really be shooting that gun towards the camera. It was insane. You know, that was responsible. You can see that real glass flying at the actress. Nowadays, safety officers would let you do that.
Because she had her white contact lenses, it really had no idea where I was, so she would just come flailing at me with a knife in her hand and a hope and a prayer. So it was a little more interesting sort of acting with blind, insane people with knives in their hands. That's where you're not really acting. You're like, get that knife away from my face.
He put his heel through my rib cage. I had a blood clot under my rib. You are under this water for a long time. I know, big lungs.
It was a freezing day, so that was quite cold. That water was, you know, because you couldn't have hot water because it would steam. I was like being in a netherworld under there and sort of like half drowning and being beaten on the back. It was so weird. It was really horrific. When they got those things on, I said, you know, Stan, we have to go because I can't take that. You're supposed to be lying flat on your back with these things and not watching movies. And you can see, you know, on this shot, I'm looking at the screen, looking up. My eye is moving and it's passing over the metal and my cornea is getting scratched. Then they clamped like lid locks on the eyes so that I could not shut them. It seemed a bit crazy. Did you experience kind of, you know, host discomfort, discomfort? I had to have a shot of morphine.
This shot, the saw is live and I told Bill, don't move and I promise you, I won't hit you, but if you flinch, you're dead. And the saw is live and the saw blade, the chain is about three inches from his head.
Now, poor Marilyn here. You know, you had a stunt double go out the window and fall two feet into a mattress and then you dropped her off the roof so that landing looked authentic. While they're all sort of getting ready to shoot it, I turned away from everybody and stripped the tape off the knife and the tube, the blood tube, and then actually just cut her. And the reason was at this point we were insane and now we're 18 hours into this 27 hour day. And she's ruined anyway. She's no good.
This is the one scene there is really no acting going on. I certainly lost any sense that I was a play actor. Lost any sense of that and I really thought I was trying to kill her.
Hey guys, thanks for watching that video. Seems like you like watching stuff.
If that's the case, please come to UCB Sunset Theater and see me, Jack O'Brien and my not brother, Daniel O'Brien, and other crack people, presumably, along with Georgia Hartstark and Karen Kilgariff, the hosts of the My Favorite Murder podcast, as well as guests on one of our most popular episodes of the crack podcast. We're going to be talking about murder. We're going to be talking about mayhem. We're going to be talking serial killers. We're going to be talking urban legends that happen to be true.
We're going to those are mostly synonyms. I've just heard that listing things is good for punctuating your sales pitch. Anyways, it is January 14, 7pm. Be there or be murdered. I can't say that kind of. |
dropout | the_best_of_precious_plum_mama | My name is Plum, and I'm her mama, and you might remember us from the hit reality show Precious Plum, which was a hit. It's been a while since you've seen us, but we's back. That's right, we're here to recap some of the best episodes of our favorite web series.
Hot Ones. No, maybe Precious Plum. I mean, yeah, okay, our favorite web series is, it is Hot Ones. Y'all ever see Hot Ones?
Could we recap our ones? In the first ever episode of Precious Plum, Plum killed a dog. An accident! Still something you've got to live with though.
My name is Plum, I'm six years old, and I'm a beauty queen. My mama take me around a pageant. Suck my dick! She my Precious Plum. Today, Plum completed being a little miss tiny tits in a parking lot of Waffle House outside of Chunky, Mississippi.
We got a 52 hour drive ahead of us, so it's like, fuck. Alright, let's go. Come on, we're going to be late, get your car seat. Get your car seat, young lady, let's go.
No, it covered in tits. What do you mean it's covered?
Oh my god. Plum took a big old shit in her car seat yesterday, so I put it out in the field, air wash, and bone balled fucking tics. But, we don't have any time to do anything about it. She's just going to get tics. My blood tastes like monkey bars. My leg cramps, I'm fierce.
Plum, baby, come up here and take the wheel. You got to drive, baby. I got to stick my melon out through the moon top and stretch my gams. Oh, that feels good.
No swerving now. No swerving. Straight as the gays ain't. No swerving, no swerving. Oh, swerve, swerve, swerve, swerve, swerve. No swerving.
So, we hit a dog. I made a dog, dad. That's a messy, ditty doggy. It was one of them big old honking dogs, too, like a werewolf or something.
Couldn't just leave it there in the street if people see what we did. So, we took it with.
Mama, I can't breathe over it. You got a nose, don't ya? I don't want to smell it though. You got to smell it. I don't want to.
You got to smell the dead dog, honey. You hit the dog. You made the dog dead. Now smell the dead dog. You got to smell the goddamn dog you don't did dead.
That's what's called responsible. Are you smelling it? No. I swear to God, precious plum, you do not smell that dog.
I will hit another dog a pound on top, you understand? I will murder a second dog and pile it on top of the first murdered dog.
Are you smelling it? Yeah. How's it smell? Bad. That's right.
So, we made to the pageant, but I've plumbed in place, so she's a little bummed. But for every black cloud, there's a little white neighborhood.
The ticks pick the dog. That's right. There's no more ticks. Stay on the dog now.
All right, come on, baby. Let's air wash it. Next time on Precious Plum. As a parent, you got to answer some difficult questions. Mama? Yeah, baby? Where do babies come from? Dicks and pussies.
Fun fact about that dead dog, we threw it off a bridge. Well, I guess it's not that fun. But it didn't make a fun splash though. It did make a fun splash.
Now, a lot of y'all been asking me, hey, mama, how's air washing work? I'm going to teach you right now step by step. Okay, ready? Step one. Put it out. They're going to be a step. Ding. Laundry's done. You're folding. A little production treatment for y'all.
We had a great director on that episode. Nice guy. Good guy. English guy.
He quit immediately because he said we was morally repugnant. Mama, what's morally repugnant mean?
I do. You want to have an English to American dictionary, please? Now, in this next episode, I give Plum a new pet.
It's a bat. But people say bats don't make good pets.
Today's right. You've got to listen to people.
Oh, mama, that hurts my pussy. Well, now we're eating. My mama said when I learned to dance, she's going to get me a dog. Yeah, I just said that as a lie. But then I heard something flapping around in the fireplace, and I put a shoe box to it, and I put a shoe box to it, and boom!
A fucking bat. Surprise plumbers. It's a dog. It's a bat. A bat.
But I wanted a dog. Well, you can name it whatever you want. You want to name it dog, go right ahead.
Dog the bat? Dog the bat. I'm going to take you for a walk, dog the bat. Go, go, follow dog.
Ah! Shit! No! Bad dog!
So I got this thing where I don't like being in cars with bats. So plumbing me, we got the heck out of there. But then I realized with a big fuck, we ain't got no kids.
Oh, you eat my asshole. So mama and I played a game called break the window. Oh, shit. Fucking shit. This is shit. Shit on me. Fucking bag. We lost.
All right, plan B. I'm going to lower end through the moon top. Mission impossible start, ready? Yeah. All right, here we go, Plum. One, two, three. I got him. Okay, come on out. I'm stuck. Fucking another bat. So Plum got her fat ass stuck in the moon top.
But do Olympic cripples stop running? No.
They start wheeling. They start wheeling around like a fucking freak show. And a one, and a two, and a jump, jump split.
I don't want to touch that. Well, I didn't even touch you that time. So Plum didn't place because apparently I'm a monster.
But at the end of a long day, we was just happy for the reason why. Plum, get the goddamn dog out of control. We've had a lot of pets. Palm on. That's right, baby. We had that bat.
We had a raccoon, two rats, a lobster. I stole from a rat lobster. More cockroaches I could even see.
Lies. No, baby. You do not have lies. Oh, my God.
Some of y'all keen observers, you might notice I drive a Lexus. How do you drive a Lexus, Mama?
Okay, we're not that big of a deal. I've got on Craigslist. Some guy was selling on Craigslist for like, something totally reasonable, like $15,000. Student Tarzana.
And I stole it. Now, Plum and me, we're going to teach her the many uses of the phrase, fuck a bat. Something bad happened. Fuck a bat. Something good happened. Fuck a fancy bat. Someone trying to pull a fat swan on me.
Don't fuck me in the bag, tell me it's groceries. It's a versatile phrase. And this next episode of Precious Plum, Plum and me get real sick. And I had all my shots at everything. What, y'all think I'm some kind of anti-vaxxer? I may be dumb, but I'm not an idiot.
My name is Plum. I'm six years old. And I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. Oh, make a fucking booty. She's my Precious Plum.
Today, Plum's competing to be Kelph in a dug up pet cemetery in Hell, Michigan. We ain't got no A.C., so we as hot as the devil's dick pit.
Oh, that is nice. Mama, you said we was going to a water park. It is. Look it. You got your water, you got your park, you got your careful sign.
There's a dead squirrel over there. What? He's just doing the backstroke. He's just raising all those squirrels. Look at him.
Go squirrel one.
We weren't long out of the water, for we came down with a bad case of the barks. We was barfing on the ground. We was barfing on ourselves. We was barfing on each other's. I was barfing on my butt. Oh, bum, you made me giggle.
No. You're talking about them diarrhea's. Quiet. It hurts to hear.
So, we went to a psychic. Where are we going now?
I can see that y'all are real sick. She's good. No, I can see it with my face. What? You don't even look me in crystal ball.
Okay. All right.
Maybe y'all leave and get some medical attention. Who am I to argue with, doesn't it? Then I remember the song my mama taught me. If mama fainter gets shot by a gun, pick up the phone and dial 9-11.
Are we gonna be okay? We'll see. Y'all are riddled with toxic waste. Are we gonna be okay? It's hazy. Give me 20 more dollars.
They strapped us in and we drove real, real, real fast. It was just like a warm park.
See? What did I tell you?
It's like I'm a psychic myself. I'm gonna fart right now.
One of them squirrels ended up winning that race. Oh, baby. Well, as it turns out, they was all tied up for dead last. Man, that psychic was right. We sure did need medical attention. Yeah, she nailed it.
You see what we did there? Nicole Barr, do you see what we did there? Nicole Barr, who played our psychic, please like and retweet.
Here's some fun. What are they now? Trivia for you. Ever since I stepped in that toxic waste, my feet glow in the dark. Yeah, and I'm unfurled. That's probably for the best.
Now, in this next episode of Precious Plum, Plum and me go to the hospital. Hospital?
That's boring. Well, 3.8 million viewers disagree, bitch.
My name is Plum. I'm six years old. And I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around the past. Well, we's Anna Lake. She's my Precious Plum. Today, Plum's competing to meet Little Miss Skittle Nips in a car wash when it's not going in Dildo, Canada.
A bat's a dog don't bit my neck. I knew something was wrong when she was foaming at the mall unless she just brushed her teeth. Doesn't know she ain't never did. I'm a serious bat. Hey, my daughter, she got it all been bit by a bat.
A bat? Dog. Wait, so a dog? Yeah, bat's a dog.
Oh, okay. I see. A dog named Bat. See me. Yeah. Take them words. Sixty-nine.
So now I'll take a pill for no rabies and a pill for no babies. What? I don't know if she's fucking. When Plum was getting a rabies shot, I saw a sign that said $10,000 for eggs.
I said to myself, fuck a fancy bag. I sent myself in on forgive you. So why do you think you'd be a good candidate for egg donation? I got him, he want him, I need cash. You got it. Let's do this. I got to be some words. Well, it's a lengthy process.
We usually require our donors be in optimal health. Oh, I am healthy.
Hey, Plum. What?
How much yogurt I eat? A lot of yogurt. I had like a whole thing of yogurt on the way.
Here. Well, it's a surgical procedure. We put a needle through your cervix. I'm going to stop you right there. See, I just assumed that someone going to be going down on me and like scraping them out, tongue ways.
If you want to contribute, and I recommend you do, I would suggest donating blood. So we went on over to the blood drive and they didn't give me no $10,000, but they did give me a cookie.
It was a good cookie too, wouldn't it, Plum? Double chocolate chip. That's right, just like I like my man.
What'd you say, Mum? I said two black guys. So I went again and again and again. Didn't I just give you a cookie? No, I just got in their faces. And I don't know if it was all the cookies I ate or if it was a gallon of blood that I lost or what, but by the time I got back in the car, I felt like a fucking ghost.
Mama, you look sick. What? Sick? I'm not sick, Plum.
You broke it up. Okay. Okay, let's just tune.
I just hit a wall. Emotionally, physically, actually, it's what I did. The good thing is I drove right in the hospital, so they just set me up in the bed right there, and when I needed blood, guess whose blood they gave me? My cells. It's like mama blood went on vacation. No more cookies for me.
It is healthy from here on out. Hey, Plum. What? Hand me that yogurt. Here you go, Mama. Thank you. That's like a sit-up.
So, at the beginning of that last episode, we was in a lake, which is actually a really funny story. Plum, you tell the best. We drove into a lake.
So, maybe I had been there. By the way, my eggs are for sale. Now, I am very fertile. I would have another one, but you know what I say.
First time's a curse. This next episode, I'll get glamour shots. Speaking of which, my lighting ain't feeling too good. Can we just... Can someone build a proper Kino house around here? I'll see we have a decent feel, but I'm feeling a little neg space here.
My name is Plum. I'm six years old, and I'm a purely quiet mama driving me around a patch. I should not have sold all our clothes. She's my precious poem.
We was out buying bat food for Dog, because he's been real sick. We saw a coupon for free glamour shots. Trouble is, Plum's got a loose tooth.
And that's not glamorous. That's glamour-less.
Listen to Revoke. She's going to be a book. All right, is it on there? I think so.
Okay, mama's going to drive away. Once you do, your tooth's going to come with. Mama, I'm scared. Don't be scared about me. I know you're going to buy it happen.
All right, ready, Plum. One, two, three. Oh, no. Her tooth did come out, and so did a whole bunch of her other tooth, too, so Mission 2 accomplished, I guess. Plum, are you alive?
Are you mad at me? I didn't mean it. I swear.
Does this mean I'm going to get visit from the big man? I don't have time for all that tooth fairy Santa. I don't have time. I don't have time for all that tooth fairy Santa, Easter Bunny nonsense, so I just call them all the big man. The big man?
Yeah. Yeah, the big man, he going to break in, and he going to take them teeth, and he going to leave nothing. I look like one of them scarab pumpkins. Here, baby, suck on this. What is it? It's a pussy mob. A pushpot? That's what I said.
Now, I'm not covered for dental, or health, or car. I only got tornado insurance, okay?
Because it's like, have you ever seen Twister? Fuck that shit.
So, we went to the store to see what teeth we could find. These could be teeth.
Ah, okay. Uh, does she want to take out the vampire teeth first? I'm afraid that's all I do, she had the moment. All right, okay. Well, three, two...
Okay, yikes, wow. I think she's bleeding at the gums. Uh-oh, ah, very bad. What's in your shoe box? Mom, don't! Oh, he's sick. Oh, there's a bat in the shoe box. Oh, God, this is terrifying.
In the end, some of those photos weren't too glamorous, but we did get a good photo of Santa come Christmas. Think the big man's gonna like that plum? Yeah, he's gonna come to our house, he's gonna eat our cookies, and he's gonna leave us no food. Mm-hmm. You can count on that. Now, Plum, she twelves now, so she don't no longer believe in the big man.
Yeah, turns out his mama give me nothing the whole time. That's right, baby. Now, I still do not have health insurance or car insurance or dental, but I do have alien abduction insurance because y'all seeing a rival? Yeah, I ain't talking circles like nobody. People was real mad when I backed over my daughter and knocked out all her teeth, but them teachers grew right back.
Yeah, but then the second time... Yeah, the second time I happened was a much bigger problem, yes.
That's it for the best of Precious Plum. Stay tuned for the worst of Precious Plum.
We're not doing that. That's a good call, Sam. That's a good call.
So it's... Is this better? All right, it feels worse. Okay, thanks for watching. |
TheOnion | Devoted_Abuser_Stops_By_Girlfriend_s_Office_To_Deliver_Surprise_Threat | After visiting his girlfriend of two years at her workplace to deliver an unexpected threat for Valentine's Day, violent and controlling boyfriend Matthew Straitjens spoke to The Onion about remaining a devoted and committed abuser. On a special day like today, I like doing something extra malicious for Mallory. You know, just so she knows that I've been thinking about hurting her. I mean, you should have seen the look on her face when I came and surprised her at work today. It was so great. I mean, she had no idea I was going to come to her office to belittle and frighten her. I mean, I wanted to do it in front of her friends to really humiliate her. Straitjens added that while he doesn't always get a chance to inflict harm on Mallory, he tries his best each and every day to create an environment of sustained physical and emotional abuse to leave her feeling completely alienated and powerless. It just takes a little effort, you know. Sometimes I like to leave little threatening notes around the house. Or if she's sitting alone on the couch, I like to pull her close and whisper something hostile in her ear, just so she feels unsafe for the rest of the night. Just wait till she sees what I have in store for her tonight. I love Valentine's Day.
For more on this story, check this week's Onion review. |
dropout | she_s_such_a_butterphone_hardly_working | Hey Owen, what's up with you and Christine? Dish daddy. Yeah, we've been hanging out a little bit and I don't know.
She's kind of a butter phone Okay, see it's like this everything should be great. She's smart cute funny, but she has a really old phone Oh, that sucks. Hey, come on guys. Don't be shallow just because a girl has an ugly phone Doesn't mean she can't have a hot ass or slamming fun bags. Check this out. Oh green bubbles. That's a red flag Maybe she has an Android. See that's what I thought. But no last night. We're supposed to meet at this bar She texted me to ask me where it was Sufferable, so I sent her a drop in crashed her phone Sometimes girls with shitty phones have better personalities because they're not saving all their best jokes for Twitter. Also, she's like crazy hot Oh, believe me. I know check this pick out How low-rise is that? What is that like half a megapixel and she only has like one game on her phone It's not even candy crush.
It's a Chinese knockoff called cookie crouch Boner kill. Yeah, even I'm limp. Whoa.
I know another thing is she's always listening to me the entire time. It's so attentive It's so exhausting. It's like God.
Just take a break check Facebook like a normal person Maybe you could just like hit it but not look at the phone. Yeah, I think they'd be pretty tough. Listen to this Yeah, I know Fuck you Pocket doubt me.
Anyways, I'm gonna go get lunch. Um, uh, yeah. Yeah, I do want to get lunch |
dropout | a_sexy_fire_drill_see_plum_run | So, I'm just making pl- I mean, Plum wants to run for president. I'm gonna be a king! That's right, baby. Just like, um, let me think of a king, um, burger. Plum for president! Make for president! Here you go.
Take a flyer, please. Hey, take a flyer. I said, take a damn flyer!
Oh! Come on, man. Nobody's taking. Don't worry, baby. I'm gonna think of something. Now, when you's launching a pl- political campaign, you need what's called a publicity stunt. Some in plan, some meaningful, some tasteful, some on-brand, some viral, some loud. So I pull the fire alarm. Attention everyone, this is not a trail.
There is a real fire happening inside this school. There are some students still trapped inside. They will die.
Because that fire is too big. Too hot, too sexy. Please say hello to that fire.
Y'all's next president. Press Plum! Two, three, four. What's your name? Press Plum! What's you doing? President! What do you do? Vote for me!
What is that? I don't know.
So what happened was I hired a bunch of dancing firemen off of the internet. And as it turns out, they was real good. Aren't you the same woman who had sex with a 16-year-old boy? Oh my god! It was legal and oral.
Mama, you won't get into the trouble for bringing all that says a firemen to school. But to find out what happens next, you've got to sign up for Dropout. Let's Dropout. Well, it's a premium ad-free, uncensored comic platform. One of the people what you call a cuma. If you sign up today, I'm going to give you a tight, hot hand job. |
dropout | Sex_Positive_Slasher | Oh my god like that thing that you did oh that okay all right well that was good yeah totally okay we better get back to the party before anybody notices we are on that's what was that i didn't hear anything somebody's at the door buzz is that you this better not be another practical joke oh my god he's got a knife somebody help us he's gonna kill us for having sex what okay wow uh you think i'm gonna kill you because he had sex yeah that's what you do no that is a very problematic stereotype of the mass killer community and then why are you going to kill us simple i was slighted years ago by a group of my classmates now i'm back 20 years later to get my revenge on a different group of students completely unrelated that's not simple that's very complicated it has nothing to do with sex i think it's great that you guys had sex thank you thank you use protection always use protection yes mass killer we use protection very cool actually you know what here take some more you never know when the mood might strike here we go now you can sexplore with confidence so how long you guys been dating two months three months oh young love perfect time to have an open dialogue about what you like in the bedroom uh we haven't really discussed that what guys you gotta know it gets each other's motors running why i don't know it's you know not exactly something i want to discuss with the mass killer in the room so would it help if i went first you know what no i'll go anyway so you know despite my outgoing murderous personality i'm a real sub in the bedroom uh yeah my mistress uses me as sort of a human footstool really turns me on oh i didn't know that was a thing oh yeah there's a great big sexy world out there just waiting to be explored i mean i don't want to pressure you guys but you should really figure out what works for you and the only way to do that is with open honest communication okay yeah i mean so i guess we should we want to take our relationship to the next level i do yeah i really like you carrie i want to make you happy oh that is so sweet that's i'm coming over there here we go okay i guess i'll go next um i'm a little bit of an exhibitionist like the thrill of getting caught oh my god i can't believe i'm saying this it's like a weight off my chest i didn't know that about you i would be you know down the trailer there you go awesome okay you go next oh me now yes you go again you can say anything here free of judgment okay um well i've always wanted to be blindfolded you know tied to the bed okay that kind of stuff you'd be you know totally in charge yeah a little bit of bondage very cool actually here hold on to this for me i got something for you ah here we go oh here try it i'll trade you just okay oh Jesus careful okay hey thank you for opening up like that i'm really glad we had this conversation i feel like we're taking a new step in our relationship though i wish we would have had it sooner i'm not right before we're about to be stabbed to death uh go ahead do you mean it i'm just proud of you guys for talking so honestly about it was really sweet really yeah i'm gonna get my stuff hey mass killer thank you thank you okay all right yeah let's do it yeah oh yeah all right oh here we go hey just so we're clear i'm gonna come back and kill you later i wouldn't be a mass killer if i didn't right yeah that makes sense okay i just want to make sure we're all in the sure okay you kids have fun gonna tame this wild horse oh i'm a cow girl i'm a cow girl giddy up horse |
TheOnion | Coughlin_Retires_From_Family_To_Spend_More_Time_With_Team | Just a few days into the NFL offseason, we've already got our first coaching shakeup. New York Giants head coach Tom Coughlin announced that he's retiring from his family to spend more time with his team. In a short press release earlier today, Coughlin explained that the time constraints imposed by his family were detracting from his responsibilities as a football coach. So what does this all mean for the league?
Get ready to sweat. It's time for the Steam Room. Welcome to the Steam Room, where we turn up the heat on our experts to give us the answers to today's toughest questions. All right, alongside OSN senior analyst and NFL insider Reggie Greengrass, I'm Tim Devanin. Reggie, you're in the Steam Room. The pressure's on, and it only gets hotter from here. Are you ready? I'm ready. Let's steam things up. Reggie, you've got all the NFL coaches on your speed dial, so you know Coughlin as well as any reporter.
Do you think he's making the right choice by stepping down from his family at this point? Look, Coughlin has spent 41 years with his family. Pretty good run. He's his youngest daughter graduating high school. Coughlin felt he had nothing left to prove as a husband and father.
Right, time to focus on what really matters. That's right, Tim. Now, his relationship with his players has been strained over the years because of his family duties. Is this going to help with that? Absolutely. This says he's got his priorities straight. Right.
If Coughlin wants to get back to the Super Bowl, he can't let things like his wife Judy getting sick or the impending birth of a grandchild distracting from the goals at hand. How's the family taking the news? Well, the family is saying all the right things. They're wishing the coach well, but privately, I'm hearing that Coughlin's wife is not handling the announcement well.
So she was blindsided by it. Apparently, she has not left the house for days. She's been crying nonstop since the announcement came down. It does not reflect well on her.
No.
All right, Greengrass, it's time for the final sweat. Are you ready for the intense heat about to come your way?
I welcome it. Who do you see as the next head of the Coughlin household? I've got to say, I like Greg Klim. Wow.
He's a neighbor. He's familiar with the Coughlin household. He's got a good relationship with the family.
Pretty good bet. However, for my dark horse, got to go with Sam Gillette.
He was Judy Coughlin's high school sweetheart.
Haven't heard a lot from him in recent years, but I think he can come in and really shake things up. Sure. Klim's youngest daughter, Katie, really likes Steeler's former head coach, Bill Cowher. Wow. Would Cowher be interested in this kind of position? Well, he's in a comfortable position with his current family, but his friends have told me that if the right situation were to present itself, he would be open to a new challenge.
Okay then. Reggie Greengrass, you have survived the steam room. Go cool yourself off. Thank you, sir. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | A_Confused_Nation_Dutton_s_PR_Nightmare_Simply_The_Best_More | You're listening to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5. Welcome back to the Batutah Advocates Weekly News Board, I'm Clancy Overall, I'm joined by Errol Parker and Wendell Hussey. How are we all? Yeah, pretty good. What's up first in the news this week?
Well, we're going to start off with a story that has confused and perplexed everyone around the country. The nation is still wondering why in the fuck anyone needed to taser a 95 year old woman that weighs 43 kilos. Yeah, this has been added to one of the few notable moments over the last couple of years that have caused a collective jaw drop from the entire population. I'm talking about moments in history that just don't make sense and they make less sense the more you think about them. You know, of course we've got the lockdowns, the death of Kobe Bryant, the Hawaii holiday and the incident down in Cooma has been added to the list. Yeah, well if you knew the full story you'd understand why they did it. But anyway, yes that's right Clancy, Australians are still really having trouble with this one. The entire nation has raised questions about why the police didn't consider the thousand other options that were available to deal with a 5 foot 2, 43 kilo lady moving forward slowly on her walker with a steak knife in her hand. Like for example, turning the fan on really high or turning up the radio or just leaving the room. Yeah, I don't know Errol, until you've been in that situation where someone's coming at you on your walker, I don't know if you can judge.
Anyway, moving on to politics, Peter Dutton's advisors of this week begged him not to attend this old rock spider's funeral too. Yes, we're talking about disgraced Aussie icon, Rolf Harris, with news breaking this week that the old pedophile has passed away. It comes as welcome news to plenty, except for staffers of the nation's opposition law. Yes, they've been forced to have some tough conversations with Peter about not attending Rolf's funeral, given his track record of attending these kind of funerals. They said, we can't have you going to that Peter, I know it's a trip overseas but it's not a good look. And don't even think about calling for a state service here, please, if you do, I'm done. They work very, very hard here, staffers, I believe.
Now in some news about someone who passed that, everyone is mourning, the nation's primary school kids have this week paid a touching tribute to Tina Turner. Yes, news spread this week at the passing of Tina Turner, the first and only queen of rock and roll and the first woman who made rugby league players look rootable, very sad. Indeed, Clancy, and the nation quickly started preparing a way to honour that queen of rock and roll the best way they know how, with a stunning rendition of the Nutbush dance. So primary school kids around the nation were thrown their most energetic high kicks in honour of the trailblazing singer, which is exactly the way she would have liked.
Simply the best. Simply the best, rest in peace.
Now we wrap up with an international story and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has been touched by the Kiwi Prime Minister's offer to send over their air force's doorless Cessna 206 and two revolvers to shoot it from. Yes, there's been lots of back slapping from international leaders this week, but this was probably the pick of the bunch. Obviously we had the boss, Narendra Modi, down here in Australia, but over in Japan for the G7, the Kiwi Prime Minister won himself a lot of fans. Yes he certainly did, with the war in Ukraine dragging on, Cross Hopkins has agreed to send over the entire New Zealand Air Force fleet. So it's four middle aged men from central Otago are heading over to the Eastern Front, two pilots, Gordon McIntyre and Roy Saunders, one ground mechanic Ainsley Blaine and one gunner named Neil McRory will be taking the Cessna and their guns over to lend a hand and send those Ruskies back to Moscow. It's a lovely touch and look, Tim Gurr, I believe he was from New Zealand, he commented on that story saying, hey, we'll take them back if you're going to make fun of us.
Ah, good on you Kiwis, we love you all. We do, we do. That's the end of the bulletin this week. Have a good one, have a good weekend. Hooroo! Ciao! |
cracked | 8_things_that_would_make_the_force_awakens_amazing_stuff_about_star_wars | Hey, you, it's I, me. You love Star Wars, I love Star Wars, let's talk about Star Wars. Which is great, we all love it. And we're gonna get a new Star War every year for the next, every next year, forever. Some will be bad, some will be great, but in our intense culture of fanry and critiquery, you can rest assuredly, we'll all be talking about Star Wars forever. So, f**k it, welcome to the first episode of Crack's new regular series, Stuff About Star Wars. And today's stuff, eight missed opportunities in The Force Awakens that would've made it so good, you guys. Let's dive right in. Lucasfilm, all right, long time ago, and yeah. Star Wars, episode seven, The Force Awakens, exciting.
Luke Skywalker's vanished, great first sentence. The hero of her story is missing, and the goal of the film is to find him. And spoilers for this entire video, at the end we do. But, small tweak, little missed opportunity. Let Luke speak a sentence. The goal of this film is clear from the first sentence. And made even more clear by the end of the opening crawl, we need to find Luke Skywalker. Just like in A New Hope, we know the goal right off the bat, which in that case was to destroy the Death Star.
And spoilers again, we did. We blew it up, the heroes returned, they hung, they got their medals, we all celebrated.
In other words, the goal is achieved, and then a few more things happen, resolving the story. It's called a denouement, stories have them. So, when we finally see Luke at the end, that's not the end, there's more. But they cut it off before he even says a word. It's a weird attempt at a cliffhanger, because everyone is absolutely going to see the next movie anyway. They're going to see all of them forever, a couple of times. But also, it's not a cliffhanger, which is when your characters get into a precarious situation or are confronted with a shocking revelation.
In this case, that revelation is, Luke is where we thought he was. Or, shocker, Luke doesn't say a goddamn word. The first sentence of the film is Luke Skywalker is missing. The last sentence is Luke Skywalker appears, looks directly at us, and says nothing. Word is that the next film, The Last Jedi, is going to open right where the Force Awakens left off. So, they just cut out in the middle of a scene. It's not a cliffhanger, it's not a denouement, it's a cynical dick move that makes the story less complete and deprives us of hearing Luke Skywalker speak.
We've been waiting to hear him speak for decades. Old Jedi master Luke Skywalker, played by beloved voice actor Mark Hamill, speaks for the first time in decades. And he opens his mouth and like, nah, nevermind, fuck you. Hearing Luke speak for the first time should have and could have been a really special goose bump inducing moment for fans. But instead, the first time we hear his voice is in the trailer.
It's time for the Jedi to end. For the next movie, a couple of years later. Real immersive stuff, Disney. I look forward to hearing out of context Luke Skywalker dialogue in the next trailer too. It's like a missed opportunity.
Anyway, let's continue the movie. We are, after all, not very far in. The opening crawl continues.
There's a new empire and a rebellion named other stuff. Okay, sure, yeah. Leia sent a great pilot to get a map to Luke, all right. He gets it from, according to the opening crawl, an old ally. Cool. Brand new Star Wars, it's been years. How exciting to get a familiar character recontextualized in this new series. And it's... This will begin to make things right.
Who the fuck is this guy? Lor Sandtecca? That's not an old ally. That's some complete stranger who dies in five minutes. Why even bother calling him an old ally?
I know it's hard to get old characters in because most characters are dead, but it's probably not impossible. Mace Windu is dead with the rest of the Jedi. Okay, Mon Moth, Mon Akbar, they're alive, but they're worth the resistance, so it doesn't make much sense. Lobot seems pointless, and Lando is too beloved to kill right away. Also, probably a bad idea to have a bunch of troopers in white gunned down a black man in the first few minutes of your fun movie about space.
But, of the saga so far, there is one character still alive, one who would be perfect for this, one so obvious, because this complete stranger should be Jar Jar Binks. The very first spoken line in the film is said by some ass-whore named Lor Sandtecca, and he says, this will begin to make things right. Many theorize that this is actually a wink to the audience. Basically, the Star Wars franchise saying, hey, sorry about the prequels, we're gonna do our best. This will start to make things right with you. And what better way than to take a universally despised character, recontextualize him in this new story, connect all the trilogies, and then have Kylo Ren slice that f***er up. Jar Jar has a deep connection to Anakin Skywalker and the Jedi, and the government, so his participating here would make sense. And seeing his old, grizzled face here would make for some great, unshone scenes. His secret life fighting for the Rebellion, helping Anakin's Jedi son, redeeming himself for all the Mises and the Usas. And it wouldn't be CGI Jar Jar, it would be a costume, makeup, a mask, a real classic, a Ridge Tridge, Star Wars-y version of Jar Jar, indicating right away that this isn't like the prequels. This isn't all green screen and CGI frogs, this is the real s***. This willa begin tusa, make a things-a right, again-a-sa. Says a withered old Jar Jar right before he helps save the galaxy and then gets slashed up by the galaxy's new resident dickwad. Seems like a missed opportunity.
And then we meet Poe, he's captured and the BB-8 runs off and we see a stormtrooper Finn change his mind about being a stormtrooper. Now this raises some questions, since it's unclear why he snapped out of it. Kylo Ren seemed to sense him with the Force, so many Finn has the Force, and that's what did it. But also later in the movie he gives a speech about how he saw someone die and that's what made him be like, nah, I'm not gonna be a part of this.
But also General Hux says his stormtrooper program involves brainwashing them from birth. So what, we have a stormtrooper trained and brainwashed from the moment he was born, but he sees one dude die and he's like, nah? Also, so far the only stormtrooper we've seen is black and literally every non-stormtrooper First Order member is white, so is the stormtrooper program entirely kidnapped black people?
That's f***ed up. Anyway, in terms of this list, I guess I can't really say make Finn make sense is a missed opportunity. It's more just like a thing that should have happened. So let's move on.
We meet Rey, Finn and Poe escape, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, Finn and Poe crash, and Poe is presumed dead until the end of the film, which brings me to Poe should be a clone. Poe disappears early on in the film, and the reason is that J.J. Abrams originally planned to kill him. J.J. has always liked the idea of introducing a hero in a film or a TV show and killing him early on to surprise the audience. He actually wanted to do this with Jack on Lost, but changed his mind. Oscar Isaacs, the actor who plays Poe, didn't love this idea, and eventually J.J. came back and said he had figured out how to keep Poe alive.
And his brilliant idea was I got thrown from the crash. I woke up at night, no you, no ship, nothing. Poe got thrown from the ship and got to safety somehow and then left the planet somehow and then rejoined the resistance somehow. So that's not really an idea. I wanna give J.J. more credit than I figured out a way to make your character not die and the idea is that he just sort of doesn't.
So instead, make him a clone. We know clones exist. They're even mentioned in this film once, when Hux is defending his Stormtrooper program of brainwashing babies to be soldiers unless one of them sees another one die at some point once. So why can't the resistance use clones too? Poe is the perfect candidate for a clone.
He's objectively the best pilot and shot in the galaxy. We are shown him making literally every shot he takes and shown his unbelievable flying skill. He doesn't have much of a personality beyond nice and good pilot.
He's sent on these dangerous missions because he's the best and he can die. They'll just use another one. He even tells BB-8, this will be safer with you than with me. Maybe because he knows that he might die. But don't worry, because even if he does, I'll come back for you.
It'd be interesting to see Finn and Poe reunite at the end only to see no recognition in Poe's face. Hey, Poe, how'd you survive? Oh, I didn't, I died. Anyway, I'm gonna go pew pew pew and stuff. Or at least it would have been more interesting than I got thrown clear. Hi, I'm fine. But anyway, Poe dies.
Rey finds BB-8, she and Finn meet.
They're getting some scrapes. They escape those scrapes.
Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, pew pew pew. Finally, we see Han and Chewie again. And what's he been up to these past decades? Mostly negating his original arc and reverting back to a no good swindler. But what if instead Han was Obi-Han? There's a scene in The Force Awakens in which Han tells our heroes about the Force, kind of. The light, the dark, the Jedi.
It's true. Oh, it. He says. He acknowledges he never believed in it himself, but eventually came around and it was real.
His moment was played up in the trailer quite a bit indicating a new Han Solo. But in the actual film, once he's done, he just goes back to Han the swindler. It seems like a real missed opportunity when obviously we have Han otherwise filling in the mentor role that Obi-Wan played in the original.
But what if he really believed in the Force now? What if he was all about it?
I mean, his wife had it, his brother-in-law had it, it saved the galaxy, his son has it, and it would make sense that he would learn about it and know about it and be able to explain it to these two noobs throughout the film. In The Force Awakens, Rey stumbles into her Force powers. She convinces a stormtrooper to unlock her and let her go, but she's never seen a Jedi mind trick before. How'd she know to do that? Wouldn't it be satisfying to have heard Han, a former Force denier, explain to her the amazing powers his family has? A grizzled war vet and a former smuggler woke to the ways of the Force, explaining with awe how with the Force, you can manipulate people's minds.
But instead, it's just the one scene and, I don't know, missed opportunity. Anyway, Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, some cantina stuff, but a different cantina, gettin' some scrapes, but then bam! A giant space station shoots some planets and they explode, and I guess they're the Republic?
We don't know who these people are. Who's that one? Who's that furry guy?
Why do I care?
It's not even Coruscant, which we've seen in the prequels, which I think everyone kind of assumed this was. It's a new place apparently called the Hosnian system, made up of people we don't care about, because why should we? We haven't been shown any of them. I guess my next point is, show Coruscant before you blow it up, and to make it Coruscant. Nobody cares about these planets. In a new hope, something similar happens, in which a planet is blown up. We don't know this planet, we barely see it, but we care about it, because at this point in the film, we care about Leia, and we know that it's her home. Her family is on that planet. She begs Tarkin. So we care when Alderaan is destroyed. But at this point in The Force Awakens, the Republic is barely mentioned, and even then, only in relation to the Resistance. So in order for us to care about this at all, we need to feel connected to it, and we're certainly not connected to a vague government in a system we've never heard of. So, make a Coruscant.
We've seen that plan so many times in the prequels, and it would be interesting to see what it looks like 60 years later. The Force Awakens does a good job of retreading a lot of A New Hope, and ignoring a lot of the prequels, but just like utilizing Jar Jar, aspects of the prequels can be recontextualized and improved. Show us some of the Senate. Show us the abandoned Jedi Temple.
Show us the place we know, so that when it blows up, it means something. This one shot of people who get blown up is an interesting tableau of potentially interesting characters. Give us some scenes with this woman, maybe helping the Resistance. Show us Senator Beardo. Bearding it up. So when you blow them up, it means something. Put in the work so we care.
It's actually a great opportunity to kill off heroes early on, just like JJ's always wanted to. Maybe he missed opportunity. Anyway, things happen. Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars, more scrapes, a big battle ensues, Finn grabs a lightsaber, and has an epic fight against this fucking dude. Why isn't this random ass fucking Captain Phasma instead of some random ass fucking? I get why the sequence is here. It's a little mini boss fight for Finn to sharpen his teeth, but like, it's just this stupid dick who shows up with a lightsaber but not, and they fight, and he dies, and who cares? The whole movie wants us to think that Phasma is cool. I mean, we love Gwendolyn Christie, and that chrome armor is dope, so why not make this battle matter, make us care about who he's fighting by making it against this supposedly badass character with whom he's already had conflicts? Instead, he shows up an hour later to give up instantly and let her entire base be destroyed. Seems like an, I don't know, missed opportunity. But more fun. Star Wars happens, some pew pew pews, Han and Leia reunite, we see the resistance, we get a glimpse of R2D2, and three pew explains in the most expository way possible that he's been in a magical droid coma ever since Luke left.
He contains the rest of the map to find Luke, and at the end of the film, he wakes up and gives it to them. Hooray! He wakes up because magic?
Because Han died? Because Rey is nearby now? Because Leia is sad? Because the base got blown up?
It's super unclear and, you know, pretty dumb. It's a Deus Ex astromech, and it feels forced.
But instead, the final mission should be to rescue R2D2. So Luke is missing, and we have this piece of the map, but also BB8 has the location of the First Order's base, where Kylo Ren has been keeping R2D2 prisoner. He knows R2 contains the map, but there's a Force spell on it, making it impossible to retrieve. We see an image that implies this, and it would make Kylo's tantrums even more frequent, and his resentment of Luke even stronger. We'd get to see the Kylo-Luke relationship through his frustration with R2. And then the final mission, instead of being, destroy a bigger Death Star, is to rescue a beloved character, the only character who's been in all of the films and who has saved the day more than many times. In order to save the galaxy, the Resistance has to rescue a beloved character in order to find another beloved character. Seems like a missed opportunity. Instead of R2 taking a nap in the corner and waking up at the exact right time, a rescue mission would have been fresh and exciting, and it wouldn't insinuate that the whole saga is just gonna be a bigger and bigger Death Star to blow up. Speaking of, save this Starkiller reveal to the end. Imagine the entire film.
There was no indication of a super big Death Star. It was just a cool planet that contained the First Order base.
The team needs to extract R2 and they plan their mission. They send frigates to bombard the surface, X-Wings and their super clone Poe to give cover, and a ground team to carry out the rescue. They rescue R2 and begin to escape.
Han dies. Kylo and Rey and Finn have an epic lightsaber battle. And just as the battle ends, the ground starts to split, just like in the film, but then a burst of energy shoots into the sky. And holy shit, we think, this planet has been a super weapon the entire time. Those characters on Coruscant are fucking dead.
The first film has concluded, and we now know of this terrible threat, this unbelievable super weapon for later films. That's a cliffhanger. Obviously a lot of this, you know, would cause other plot issues, but those could be fixed with, you know, thinking about it. And maybe some of this is already planned for the trilogy. Maybe they don't need to save the Starkiller reveal and set it up for the rest of the trilogy because they have plans for an even bigger, badder, super, super weapon that our characters get to blow up later.
But I don't know, talking about Star Wars is fun, right? We're gonna be doing it forever.
Hey, you like stand up, come see the cracked stand up show. It's happening June 22nd at Meltdown Comics in Los Angeles. If you wanna see amazing comics, including our own Josh Sargent, go to nerdmeltla.com slash tickets. And if you wanna see me do a funny dance, sorry, not today. |
dropout | not_a_dry_dick_in_the_house_the_orgy_gone_wrong_song | It was a beautiful night, everyone agreed All of our friends and I did a party You looked so good by the candlelight This battle always makes the darkness bright It's getting late, almost everyone is left It's just you and me and some of my friends You look at me as you finish your wine Your eyes, they say, are you thinking what I am?
Beloved that day, they will say, well, they will start a dry dig in the house And I'll never forget the luck of joining your house As my friends took turns in between your days When we first talked about a friend, oh, dear, I thought it would be with your friends I guess I never thought you liked my guys But from here and there, you went to pass a prize You tell me to go and make a streak So I can't help but wonder what my supervisor Tom thinks He's looking nice with me and locking hearts with you I guess I probably really should have thought this through And of the day, they will say, well, they will start a dry dig in the house And I'll never forget the luck of Tom's face as he made his what used to be my space And when I turned around And when I turned around Oh, walking by the sound Oh, walking by the sound Face to face, we stand Oh, waiting simple In front of a heart that cheers round And of that day, they will say, well, they will start a dry dig in the house And I'll talk all about the loss of their innocence As I tell this story to my therapist And now it's been 15 years to the day, and they will start a dry dig in the house Well, I don't mean to be a pussy, you ain't like a fool But maybe we could consider doing the same thing with your girlfriends anytime now That'd be cool |
CrackerMilk | when_you_ve_got_post_nut_clarity | Elias! Socks don't go in the dishwasher! What are you doing?
I have milked the evil out of my body. It's popped out of me like a champagne cork. I now see the world for what it truly is.
You nodded again, didn't you? Yes.
Come, brother. Sit beside me and let me enlighten you.
That's gross. Gross is a construct.
The key to enlightenment is knowing that we are all one, brother. Stop calling me brother, I'm your wife. Marriage is a construct, brother. So do you want to get a divorce or something? Divorce is a construct, brother.
Yeah, cool. Okay, so I'm taking all the shit because you know it's mine. I have forgone all of my possessions. Take what you want. If only the female orgasm wasn't a myth, you would understand, as I have, that we are all one. Yeah.
Perhaps one day you will understand, as I can, and see that- Oh my god, I'm horny. I'm horny again.
What have I done? Babe? Babe, what have I said? Babe, I'm so sorry!
Can we have sex?
I now see the world for what it truly is.
You nodded again, didn't you? Yes.
Come, brother. Sit beside me and let me enlighten you.
That's gross. Gross is a construct.
The key to enlightenment is knowing that we are all one, brother. Stop calling me brother, I'm your wife. Marriage is a construct, brother. So do you want to get a divorce or something? Divorce is a construct, brother.
Yeah, cool. Okay, so I'm taking all the shit because you know it's mine. I have forgone all of my possessions. Take what you want. If only the female orgasm wasn't a myth, you would understand, as I have, that we are all one. Yeah.
Perhaps one day you will understand, as I can, and see that- Oh my god, I'm horny. I'm horny again.
What have I done? Babe? Babe, what have I said? Babe, I'm so sorry!
Can we have sex? |
dropout | God_Does_a_Really_Mean_Impression_of_John_Lithgow_Breaking_News | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Good evening and welcome to Breaking News, the only news show where we don't know what we're about to say and we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Nudd Puddler. And I'm Alison Normal Name.
Tonight, Breaking News from the Vatican, where Pope Francis has declared that God just sort of inexplicably hates John Lithgow. The Holy See made the announcement in an official church declaration stating, quote, God loves all and forgives all, but he's just got this thing about John Lithgow where the guy just bugs the shit out of him for some reason and he can't fucking explain it. The Pope elaborated that even though God knows John Lithgow is probably a perfectly nice guy, he can't stand him in anything he's ever been in, from raising Cain to the crown, just not a fan.
So interesting. For more, we go to our reporter, Jingle Jangle in the Vatican. Jingle, what kind of impact do you think we can expect from this papal announcement? Massive, Nudd. The Pope's declaration signals to all believers that feeling an unprompted rage whenever Lithgow shows up in something is completely acceptable. And I think that message is gonna resonate with a lot of people, especially ones who hate John Lithgow's stupid face. Fascinating. Jingle, why did the Pope choose to make this announcement now? He just said it was time for the church to take a step in acknowledging that when God finds out John Lithgow is in a movie, he straight up refuses to see it. Even if it looks like a cool movie? That's correct. In fact, the Pope said that God even does a really mean impression of John Lithgow where he scrunches up his face and goes, I'm John Lithgow.
I was in that movie read by Mindy Kaling, Late Night. That was it. I played, I was in Late Night.
Oh. I mean, that's really mean. Wow. And not even a very good impression of John Lithgow. Exactly, Nudd. It's entirely petty.
And it gives you a good idea of how much the church now believes God is a full-blown hater when it comes to Lithgow. This, of course, on the heels of last week's equally groundbreaking pebble announcement that for some reason, God is really into Chris Pine. Stands him hard, apparently.
Yes, thanks, Jingle. Now, for sports, we go to footballerson. Foot? Thanks, Allison. Big news in baseball tonight.
The MLB Umpires Association formally announced that today, that those external pockets umpires wear to keep extra baseballs in our lingerie. A spokesperson for the MLB Umpires said, quote, our big outside pockets are very sexy and they are absolutely lingerie. We hope that our sexy pockets aren't distracting players, but if they are, sadly, there's nothing we can do about it. Sounds like those major league umpires are committing pretty hard to the idea that those weird pockets are somehow erotic. They definitely are, Nudd. You can tell they're pretty self-conscious about how bulky and dumb the pockets look because the statement they put out explicitly said, the pockets actually don't look bulky and dumb like something a cowboy would wear. They're sexy underwear and we bought them in Francais.
Well, that can't be true. It isn't.
Hey, Foot, is it clear to you why the Umpires Association is so passionate about this issue? Seems like it's been bothering them for a while that nobody's told them their external pockets look sexy. So they finally felt the need to address it publicly. They've also tried to sell them at a Victoria's Secret in Times Square, but the manager made them leave. And what's been the league's response to this campaign from the Umps? They've been silent on this one, Allison, probably because they're embarrassed for the Umpires for claiming their pockets are lingerie in the first place which is pretty nice of them because it's been affecting a number of games. For example, at a Cardinals-Cubs game this week, the Empire interrupted the batter multiple times because he danced like this in order to jostle his pockets around in a sexy way.
Oh, yes. Like this, like this, like this.
Look at me. That says unsexy. Look at me.
Oh, right. It was like, well, no, it was like more like this. But with more genitalia. Okay, well, that's not, but that's not sexy at all. Correct.
The Umpires Association has also petitioned the broadcasters to change the rating of game broadcasts from TVG to TVMA because of how erotic the pockets are. And were they successful? Obviously, no. That's all the breaking news we have for today. This week's loser is Carolyn. Thanks for watching. What? This game is rigged.
It's like those major league Umpires are committing pretty hard to the idea that those weird pockets are somehow erotic. They definitely are, Nud. You can tell they're pretty self-conscious about how bulky and dumb the pockets look because the statement they put out explicitly said, the pockets actually don't look bulky and dumb like something a cowboy would wear. They're sexy underwear and we bought them in Francais.
Well, that can't be true. It isn't.
Hey, foot, is it clear to you why the Umpires Association is so passionate about this issue? Seems like it's been bothering them for a while that nobody's told them their external pockets look sexy. So they finally felt the need to address it publicly. They've also tried to sell them at a Victoria's Secret in Times Square, but the manager made them leave. And what's been the league's response to this campaign from the Ump's? They've been silent on this one, Allison, probably because they're embarrassed for the Umpires for claiming their pockets are lingerie in the first place, which is pretty nice of them because it's been affecting a number of games. For example, at a Cardinals-Cubs game this week, the Empire interrupted the batter multiple times because he danced like this and ordered him to jostle his pockets around in a sexy way.
Oh, yes. Like this, like this, like this. Look at me. That says unsafe. Look at me.
Oh, right. Well, no, it was like more like this. But with more genitalia. Okay, well that's not, but that's not sexy at all. Correct.
The Umpires Association has also petitioned the broadcasters to change the rating of game broadcasts from TVG to TVMA because of how erotic the pockets are. And were they successful? Obviously, no. That's all the breaking news we have for today. This week's loser is Carolyn. Thanks for watching. This game is rigged! |
dropout | windows_7_parody | You know what I want? Do you know what I'm looking for? You know what I wish! I'm listening. What do you get? I want more parental control. I wish it was just... Faster. Simple! Did you get all that? I hear you loud and clear.
I wanted to curb my appetite. I wanted to drown out the fighting. I wanted to tell me I'm worthless. I wanted to end my suffering. I wanted to make me last longer.
Come on, West.
Loneliness. Depression. Voices in my head.
Are you getting all this? I don't...
I wanted to have a steam engine. I wanted to be made of jello. I wanted to bark like a dog and have a protective outer shell. Like a turtle. I wanted to blow fire, but I wanted to have a sprinkler to put out the fire. I wanted to be a three-story, self-aware humanoid robot with semi-automatic photon cannons. I wanted to have more...
Chili sauce. Fireworks. Wolves. Down to the guitar calendars. Golf clubs. Racism.
I don't... I can't...
Automatic weapons. Baseball gloves. Mixtapes. Alternating between the bare naked ladies and... Dog sound effects. Cookie blips. Lanyards. Who has a pupsy with a dead bird in it? Eddie Bauer scarves. I'm a PC.
Windows 7 was my idea. Windows 7 was totally my idea. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_ft_bowen_yang_devon_walker_andrew_dismukes_and_james_austin_johnson_snl | It's weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. Thank you. good evening, everyone. welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.
After President Biden's successful meeting with China's President Xi Jinping, reporters asked Biden if he still believed that Xi was a dictator. And I don't know if Biden was supposed to say yes, because look at this reaction from Secretary of State Anthony Blinken. did you still report to President Xi as a dictator that stood firm that you used earlier to take him?
What about kids? Oh, man. that's the same face I make when my uncle starts a story by mentioning the race of the waitress. it's actually the same face I made when I heard Biden say this about Ll Cool J. Ll J Cool J. By the way, that boy's got. that man's got biceps bigger than my thighs. Ll J Cool J? I think the second J stands for Jesus. insiders are concerned that President Biden's chances for reelection could be damaged by his unwavering support for Israel. but I think the bigger problem for Biden is that he is six years older than Israel.
The House Ethics Committee released its report on George Santos, seen here asking your Grandma for her Social Security number, and concluded that there is substantial evidence that he used campaign funds for shopping and cosmetic procedures. Santos would have denied the allegations, but he had to rest his new lips. Several major media companies, including Nbc Universal, have pulled their advertising from Elon Musk X over concerns that ads for their shows could appear next to pro-nazi propaganda, which is a huge relief, because I was definitely worried about where this was going to end up. this week, Donald Trump Jr. testified in his father's civil fraud trial, and based on this courtroom sketch, I feel like it didn't go great. he's supposed to be talking about real estate, but he looks like he's on Law and Order, saying, that girl came on to me. And unlike the other packed courtroom days, only four people showed up, and Donald Trump Sr. was not present, which is just like all of Don Jr.'s childhood birthday parties. the Supreme Court is addressing recent allegations of ethical lapses by adopting a new code of conduct, replacing their old code of conduct, money up front, no kissing on their mouth. Senator Tim Scott announced that he is dropping out of the 2024 Presidential race, with Scott gone. the most prominent Black republican is, once again, the blacks-for-trump guy.
All right. A fistfight almost broke out at a congressional hearing after Senator Mark Wayne Mullen challenged the President of the Teamsters Union to a fistfight. he challenged the President of the Teamsters to a fight? Do you have a death wish? One of the things I learned growing up in New York were,: never mess with the Teamsters and don't drink that snapple you found on the Subway. the man who attacked Nancy Pelosi's husband with a hammer has been found guilty and is expected to be in prison until Trump's first day back as President. He gone, win. New York Mayor Eric Adams responded to allegations and illegal donations from Turkey saying, I have not been accused of wrongdoing and I will continue to cooperate. Then he put on his Fez and sped away on a flying carpet.
Nasa recently discovered a tiny moon orbiting the asteroid during a flyby of a spacecraft 300 million miles away. here to comment is the scientist who made the discovery. Oh, no, it's George Santos. Hi, George.
Yeah, this has not been a good week for you. the House Ethics Committee released a scathing report about you. Okay. it said that you spent campaign funds on Onlyfans? You did. on playing roulette? youlette. shopping at Hermes? you're the mez. George. George, this is serious. they're calling for your expulsion. Well, then girl, expel me. that's. that's not a word. girl is a word. that's not what I meant. Look, you're in Congress, but you're watching Onlyfans instead? Oh, please. Isn't Congress kind of like Onlyfans Anyway? people paying you to do nasty things on a sad, bad livestream? Ugh.
All right. Well, George, you need to explain yourself. Okay, the report said you spent thousands of dollars on clothes at stores like Ferragamo. what did you buy at Ferragamo? this sweater. you went to Ferragamo and that's what you picked? Okay, you're a bitch. All right. it all. What?
That was pretty catty of me, I'm sorry. it also said you spent $3,000 on Botox? I didn't get Botox. I got Botox, which is short for big old thing of Botox. that's just the same thing.
Okay, see you on set. everything out of your mouth is a lie. you're spending your resume, you lied about being Jewish. are you even gay? Of course I'm gay, Colin. I invented being gay. I was the one at Stonewall who said, here's an idea. you guys should kiss. that's not what happened. just stop lying.
Oh, come on, everyone lies. I mean, look at you wearing these structured, tailored suits. isn't that a lie? letting everyone think you have a perfect body? But, George, I do have a perfect body. hold on, I have to take this.
Hello? what are you doing? excuse me, I'm on the phone. it's Martha Stewart. Hi, Martha. dark meat, please. yeah, okay, see you at Friendsgiving. Okay, bye. that was not Martha Stewart, and that is Not a phone.
Yes, it is. it's the new iphone baby.
Well, George, you had quite a run. you came in hot, and now you're going out chaotic. Oh, Colin, everyone jokes about me, but you all know the truth. you're gonna miss me when I'm gone. you're gonna miss me by my sass. you're gonna miss me by my ass. Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
I invented this cups thing. I almost believe that. George Santos, everyone. you love it. you love me. The dating app Bumble says that next year, they expect to see a surge in relationships where one person dates someone considerably older, because those student loans ain't gonna pay for themselves.
Rupert Murdoch has officially stepped aside as Ceo of Fox News, passing the position on to his eldest son, Darth Murdoch.
This week was International Fraud Awareness Week, but I'm aware of a fraud every day when I look in the mirror. the report shows that the gender death gap is rising with men dying an average of six years before women, which is. yeah. it's actually scientific proof that men are actually dying a little every time We have to listen to your boring ass story. Oh, Michael. a British woman who was arrested for keying several parked cars blamed her actions on, quote, feeling menopausal. incidentally, feeling menopausal was also the working title of and just like that. This week, the Nba suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green five games for putting another player in a chokehold. here to comment is: Draymond Green.
Thanks, Jay. I appreciate y'all giving me this platform to publicly apologize. Okay, so you are sorry. Hell nah. uh-uh. I can't wait to do it again.
So why are you so angry? I mean, you choked Rudy Gobert for no reason. I had a reason, all right? Rudy Gobert is a tall Frenchman who's been pissing me off for years. Imagine if you had a seven-foot baguette in your face talking about. you want to do something, too? Yeah, but you got to get why. the league is mad, though, right?
I mean, not really. it's not like I choked Lebron or Kevin Durant. No bear. the fourth best player in Minnesota. Well, this hasn't been a thing with you guys for years. it sounds like you really hold a grudge. I mean, I wouldn't say I hold a grudge, you know, but when someone crosses me, I never forget it, So. Honestly, I feel like the whole situation is being blown out of proportion. you choked a man during a game. Okay. yeah, but I was trying to kill him. So if you think about it, Jay, I showed restraint. so you don't feel bad, even a little bit? Oh, I mean, I always feel mad. No, I said bad.
Draymond, even your own coach called your actions inexcusable and said your five-game suspension was deserved. he really said that? Yeah. hmm. interesting. what are you writing, man? just a little this. mm-hmm. stuff I got to do later. Draymond, this isn't even your first suspension. I mean, you one stepped on a guy's chest. you kicked another player in the groin. Jay, I had to kick him in the groin. that's where his nuts at. What is all this really about, Draymond?
Look, it's simple. the league is too soft these days, all right? ain't nothing but a bunch of light-skinned dudes with side skirts, side-show bob hair, you know? See, me? I play dark-skinned basketballs. it hit different, all right? I ain't dribbling all fancy. I ain't shooting from half-court. Mm-mm. I'm throwing big men in headlocks and I'm putting the little ones in a stone-cold stutter like that.
But why? Because I'm an unfortunate. that's my job. I see my teammates in trouble and I strangle that trouble. you know, all I care about is the safety of my teammates. Okay, but what about when you punch your own teammate in the face? you trying to get on the list? no! I'm just. I'm just trying to understand.
You have a very violent reputation. Thank you. that wasn't a compliment, man. How come nobody ever talks about the good stuff I do off the court? like what? Did you know every thanksgiving I go down to my old neighborhood and I whip turkeys at people? yeah. everybody running, the birds flying, it's fun. what kind of message do you think your behavior sends to the kids watching? Look, to all you little hoopers out there watching me, I hope y'all learn this. play with passion, take boxing lessons, and most importantly, be dark-skinned. Very much greened, everybody. hey, we'll be on top of your skinny ass.
Six Flags has unveiled plans for a new roller coaster, which will be the world's tallest and fastest with a 600-foot drop that reaches speeds of 150 miles an hour. the only problem is, if you hit a bug, you die. a woman revealed that she accidentally ordered a cocktail that cost $2,000. ingredients of the $2,000 drink included gin, vermouth, and a Macbook Pro. See, that was a sweet one. Disneyland has announced that it's permanently closing its attraction, Beasts Library, and replacing it with, well, this is weird, Gaston's Gay Jim. a doctor from Singapore has gone viral with a video telling people that they can get relief from constipation by sitting on the toilet cross-leg. So that's what they mean when they say criss-cross applesauce. Get it now.
Oh, no, no. every week at Snl, as you know, we have a musical guest. what many people don't know is we always book a backup musical guest just in case. So please welcome tonight's backup musical guest, Remember Lizards. Hey. hey, guys. stoked to be here, gal. very stoked to have you. Remember Lizards. that name sounds familiar.
I think I've heard of you guys. probably not. you're probably thinking of Imagine Dragons. right. which is a common mistake because we are of a similar genre. right. And what genre is that? uplifting, kid-friendly hip-hop slash arena rock with a pump-up edge. Okay. and what does that sound like? Imagine Dragons. Okay. yeah, here's an example. we'll show you.
Yeah. I walk into the room and you flip a switch and then I feel electric voltage running through my fix and then you turn to me and say, yeah! I'm back Up! I'm in charge Up! Yeah!
Wow, yeah. no offense, but that sounds like a really blatant rip-off of Imagine Dragons. Very nice. it's not. Look, I just honestly didn't remember what Imagine Dragons sounded like and then I heard you guys do the worst version of it and I remembered. Thanks, man. it's not.
Colin, you gotta come see us next weekend in Vegas. Oh, yeah, man. have you ever heard of the Sphere, Colin? you guys are playing the Sphere? Nah, we're playing the Cylinder. it's an abandoned grain silo on a farm in Vegas, South Dakota. Okay. yeah, we're leaving right after this. we gotta get there a week in advance to clear out the crows. Yeah. that's great.
Yeah, it's chemical! that's the chemical! you got your. you feel that, Colin? you get that, chemicals? Yeah, I definitely heard the word chemical, Yeah. Yeah, I get it. it just really seems like you guys are doing, like, bad. Imagine Dragon. No! we're similar, but very distinct. their thing is positive arena rock that is Christian-curious and we do uplifting arena rock that is decidedly Christian. Yeah. yeah, see, that sounds very similar. thank you. not compliments, no. think you're really gonna like this next time. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah.
Remember lizards, everyone! that's right! suspension was deserved. he really said that? Yeah. interesting. what are you writing, man? just a little this. stuff I gotta do later. Dremont, this isn't even your first suspension. you one stepped on a guy's chest, you kicked another player in the groin? look, Che, I had to kick him in the groin. that's where it's nuts at. what is all this really about, Dremont? Look, it's simple. the league is too soft these days, all right? ain't nothing but a bunch of light-skinned dudes with side skirts, shy show bob hair, you know? See, me?
I play dark-skinned basketballs. it hit different, all right? I ain't dribbling all fancy. I ain't shooting from half court.
Mm-mm. I'm throwing big men in headlocks and I'm putting the little ones in a stone-cold stutter like that. But why? Because I'm an unfortunate. That's my job. I see my teammates in trouble, and I strangle that trouble. you know, all I care about is the safety of my teammates. Okay, but what about when you punch your own teammate in the face? you trying to get on the list? no! I'm just. I'm just trying to understand. you have a very violent reputation. Thank you. that wasn't a compliment, man.
How come nobody ever talks about the good stuff? I do off the court? like what? Did you know every Thanksgiving I go down to my old neighborhood and I whip turkeys at people? Yeah. everybody running, the birds flying, it's fun. What kind of message do you think your behavior sends to the kids watching? Look, to all you little Hoopers out there watching me, I hope y'all learn this. play with passion, take boxing lessons, and most importantly, be dark-skinned. very much drained, everybody. and we'll be on top of your skinny ass.
Six Flags has unveiled plans for a new rollercoaster, which will be the world's tallest and fastest with a 600-foot drop that reaches speeds of 150 miles an hour. the only problem is, if you hit a bug, you die. a woman revealed that she accidentally ordered a cocktail that cost $2,000. ingredients of the $2,000 drink included gin, vermouth, and a Macbook Pro. see, that was a sweet one. Disneyland has announced that it's permanently closing its attraction, Beast's Library and replacing it with, well, this is weird, Gaston's Gay Jim. a doctor from Singapore has gone viral with a video telling people that they can get relief from constipation by sitting on the toilet cross-leg. So that's what they mean when they say criss-cross applesauce. Get it now.
Oh, no, no. every week at Snl, as you know, we have a musical guest. What many people don't know is we always book a back-up musical guest just in case. So please welcome tonight's back-up musical guest, Remember Lizards.
Hey, hey, guys. stoked to be here, Carl. very stoked to have you. Remember Lizards. that name sounds familiar. I think I've heard of you guys. probably not. you're probably thinking of Imagine Dragons. right. which is a common mistake because we are of a similar genre. right. And what genre is that? uplifting, kid-friendly hip-hop slash arena rock with a pump-up edge. Okay. and what does that sound like? it's like Imagine Dragons. Okay. yeah, here's an example. we'll show you. I walk into the room and you flip a switch and then I feel electric voltage running through my fix and then you turn to me and say yeah! Oh, my God! yeah! wow. wow. yeah. no offense, but that sounds like a really blatant rip-off of Imagine Dragons. Thank you, man. thank you. Look, I just honestly didn't remember what Imagine Dragons sound like and then I heard you guys do the worst version of it and I remember. Thanks, man. it's not.
Colin, you got to come see us next weekend in Vegas. Oh, man. have you ever heard of the Sphere, Colin? you guys are playing the Sphere? No, we're playing the cylinder. it's an abandoned grain silo on a farm in Vegas, South Dakota. Okay. yeah, we're leaving right after this. we got to get there a week in advance to clear out the crows. that's great. Anyway, check out our new track.
Yeah, you got to cut off the chemicals. You got to. You feel that, Colin? you get that, chemicals? Yeah, I definitely heard the word chemical. Yeah. yeah, I get it. it just really seems like you guys are doing, like, bad.
Imagine Dragon. No! we're similar, but very distinct. their thing is positive arena rock that is Christian-curious. And we do uplifting arena rock that is decidedly Christian. Yeah, okay. yeah, see, that sounds very similar.
Thank you. not compliments, no. I think you're really going to like this next time. Oh, I can't wait. I got the fire burning deep inside my soul. and then I. fire! Lava! keep the day in lava! Remember lizards, everyone. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_devon_walker_on_adjusting_to_new_york_city_snl | Season 48 is underway and things are going well. here. to talk about how he's adjusting is our new cast member, Devin Walker. anytime? Man, so how's this whole experience been for you? you dig in New York? Not really. If I'm being honest, I think New York's a little overrated. Wow, where are you from? I'm from Texas.
Oh yeah, what you know, I mean, honestly, don't do that. Don't do that.
I hate how New Yorkers talk about where I'm from. All right, every single time I tell a New Yorker, I'm from Texas, they apologize to me like I fought in a war. All right, every single time they're like, oh my God. I'm so sorry that happened to you. They'll say stuff like that and it's like Texas isn't a perfect place. But every single time I step outside of my apartment in New York, I see the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
All right, and that's a normal thing to see. All right. Like one time I saw a kid get into a fistfight with a bird and the bird was winning. I told my homie who's from the neighborhood what I saw and he goes. Oh, that's just Mike. that's what he said and I know if he was talking about the kid or the bird.
If you saw that in Texas, they'd shut Texas down forever. All right, nobody would go to school or anything. they just hang out at home until the vibes got right again.
Well, you just got here. I'm sure you'll start to fit in. All right, speaking of fitting in, Can I can I ask the audience a question real quick?
Okay, uh, hey guys, y'all think I look like a cat caller. Yeah, I don't think I look like one. But ever since I moved here, every time I see a dude who's doing a cat call, we have on the exact same outfit. All right, sometimes I pass women on the street and I see them look at me and they go like that. They try to dodge me real quick and I know why it happens.
All right. I'm a large man. Large men be responsible for a lot of bad things historically, you know. But I've been trying to figure out how to communicate to these women that I'm not going to do anything weird. So anytime one tries to avoid me, I've just been whispering like, hey, baby girl, don't worry about it. I'm regular. Why are you whispering? I don't know. Man, my body's big. I try to make my voice little. Okay, it's hard out here. you might be overthinking it. Devin. I don't think I am. All right, look. watch this. watch this Hey real quick. where am I straight boys at?
Yeah, morale is real low question. In 1996, the building would have exploded. 30 rock would just be gone because the hetero boys brought it down, But we're getting a lot of bad press right now. We get a lot of bad press.
I think we can change it. I think we got to do a culture shift. I think that's what we need. I think all of us need to try to be a little bit more gay.
Say what? I said what I said, Michael.
All right, our culture is bad. We need a shift every single year.
37 of my homies invite me to be in a fantasy football league, and I don't think the Stray Communities knows that we don't have to do that. I just want my brothers to be free. Next time, one of my homies asked me if I'm drafting Tom Brady. I swear I'll be like nah, dog, I'm trying to kiss you on the lips actually. Devin Walker, Everybody. |
SaturdayNightLive | subway_churro_snl | Man, how long's this train gonna take? Psst. yeah, it says the next one arrives in, forget about it.
I love this new Mayor.
I'm starving. yo, newsstand guy. let me get a snickers and a bag of chips. I'll get you the closest thing. an O. Henry bar and a copy of Xl Butts. they still make O. Henry bars? No. and what does he want? Oh, nothing from you.
I'm gonna go buy a churro. you're buying a what? a churro. they smell delicious. And that's saying a lot, considering I have active Covid. You're sure you want a churro, an unwrapped churro from a woman pushing a laundry cart who's holding it in her bare hands with a Starbucks napkin. Look, I'm a grown, drunk man, and I want a churro to eat on the choo-choo ride home. Very well, then. the dye is cast. Oh, Mole Person, why don't you tell this gentleman what happens when you eat a churro from the subway? some disgusting evening, you will buy a churro, a loose, unpackaged churro, and then your butt will bleed. And somehow you'll know as soon as you chew that an hour before you. a rat bit it too.
Wait a second. mole people are real? of course they're real. Imagine how great that would be to live off the grid. No more endless texts or e-mails. What? If I were a mole man, the Amadee-ba-da-ba-dee-ba-da-ba-dee-ba-da-ba-da All day long, I'd drink a shoe of rum. If I were a mole person, we'd never have to work hard. The Amadee-be-be-dum-be-dee-be-dum-be-dee-be-dum I used to drive an Amazon fan. living in a hole is such a better plan. now you've fenced on old discarded ham. if I were a filthy mole. was that the actual cast of Fiddler?
No, there's just a lunch break at B&h Photo.
Oh my God, there's a woman on the track. is that a ghost? No, she was just fired from sleep no more. now she wanders the tunnels. Is she okay? Oh, I'm more than okay.
I am high on bath salts every night, every day. In my mind, you three are demons. If you touch me, I eat your face.
Whoa, this is crazy! I know, it's like, are you even allowed to do South Pacific anymore?
Wait, can you tell me where in the city we are? Oh, the worst part. we're in Midtown where there's no dude at night. You're in Midtown where police horses fight. You're in Midtown where the traffic lights are for sure, the land of Finance Bros. The Subway.
Twain snaked its way into the station and it's got something for everyone. Did he have a lisp earlier? Oh, the F Local Subway is A coming down the track, so please let it stop for me. Oh, the F Local Subway is A coming down the tracks. It's called the F because it's effing me.
I got bitten by a pigeon on my birthday in March, I got airborne Hpv One time I sat directly on a needle. Our new mayor said he'd fix it, but I just got stabbed in. Giuliani says hello.
This is the F train running on the Q tracks, skipping random stations when I feel like it. But wait, this train is empty except for one man in a trench coat. That's right, I cleared everyone out, You see, I'm faffing on the train. Just faffing on the train.
What a glorious feeling. I'll make it on the heat. Can't you just close the doors? I would. If Evan Hansen would move his backpack. I'm telling you, I'm not moving my backpack.
That's from a different musical with Jennifer Hudson. Stop bullying assholes and look out on the floor of the train. There's also a puddle of unidentifiable origin. I am the liquid on the floor.
M.i.p. I'm going towards the door. Just kidding, I'm gonna touch your shoes. Stop right there. Me in Paris? No, we're the guardian angels. and if you're looking for a fight, you gotta go through us. Oh, really? I am possibly the real Jesus Christ wearing my famous New York Islanders beer helmets. And if you want this Subway, you'll have to kill me again first. Oh, my God, it's all happening! Just as the Oracle predicted Jesus Christ on a subway car, the helmet doesn't track with what we've known so far.
Jesus Christ, where it drops. Why does she have a spider in a box? Jesus Christ, she's pretty drunk. She had fish and churros. Where everyone. It's America! Jesus Christ, that's Amazon! Jesus Christ. she's got a beast. They're not churros in paradise.
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. |
dropout | smoothie_of_death_halloween_edition_live | Mine sounds the worst. Mine already sounds the grossest. Oh, god.
Hello, and welcome to a live version of an extra spooky version of Smoothie of Death. Last week we played a live game show where Zach tried to make us drink soap. So today we're gonna get a little revenge and we're gonna play another round of Smoothie of Death with our three contestants here, Grant O'Brien, Zach Viyama, and Sean Thompson. So if you don't know how our game works, I'm going to ask a series of questions here. The answer to every question is the name of a food, and since this is a spooky Halloween version, it will be a Halloween or fall type food.
If you get it right, you don't have to add that food to your blender. If you get it wrong, you do. The two people with the lowest score have to drink the smoothie. Everyone good with that? Everyone remember how this works? I'm not good with it, but I'm going to do it.
Not like about it, but I am excited that, like, mackerel isn't a traditional full food. Yes, this is this is objectively not as bad as the last smoothie of death. Yeah, that smoothie was very bad last time.
Yes, you lost last time we played, right? Yeah, I lost. I could, uh, I'm here to redeem myself. I want to be clear, I didn't play last time.
I would have smoked everybody. All right, I'm gonna smoke this game. All right. This is, I'm gonna beat everyone.
That sounds like the perfect, uh, segway to get to our first question, uh, is Gorant's baseless confidence. The answer is smoke. Uh, so, uh, of course, your buzzers are your blenders themselves, so if you got the answer. Okay, question one.
This candy was originally sold under the name Chicken Feed before people decided that was a gross thing to call food. It goes Zach. Candy corn? It is candy corn!
Yeah! Uh, so the other two... That's right. Uh, good start, baby.
Candy corn is the worst candy, right? We're all, we're all on board with that? No, I feel like banana flavored candy. Anything banana flavored is gross. Yeah, are you guys generally, like, pro or con candy corn? Con. Look at the, that is a healthy...
It's a lot. How much should I do? Just pour it in.
Oh boy.
I'm not eating candy corn, that's fine. Maybe this will smother out the other glad flavors. I am curious if you would leave in the comments if you're pro or con candy corn. Great. That actually just surprised me. I would have guessed that you would have been, like, very on board with the candy corn.
Why? Because it's old fashioned? Yeah, because it's like an old, uh...
Yeah, like you've just got it in Ohio. All right, Zach is in the lead. And Paul, if you could help me keep track of the score here.
Do we blend this now? Do we blend as we go? You blend as you buzz in.
All right. Oh, as I buzz in. Oh no. All right. All right.
Question two. We think of jack-o'-lanterns as always being carved pumpkins. It's turnips. That is correct. I'll finish it so people actually know what the fuck is going on. Where was the question? We think of jack-o'-lanterns as always being carved pumpkins, but in Ireland and Scotland a different vegetable predates it. What is it? The answer is turnips. That was so tailored to her.
She's from Scotland. I'm not from Scotland. I'm not from Michigan.
Yeah, so we've got some nice chopped up turnip here. What is turnip?
Why does it look so white? It's like a big bland radish. Which is funny because the one thing radish is going for it is a little bit of spice.
You take that away. It's very footy. Crunch. A very footy vegetable.
That was definitely the question to get right. I think that was maybe the worst ingredient that we have here. I wanted everyone to give themselves a little blending hair. Yeah, let's try them. It's fucking revolting. The pieces that settle at the bottom are the worst part.
Oh, you can smell the motor. You can smell the blender motor really working at the candy corn.
Great. Question three. John Adams, President John Adams, was said to have started every morning by drinking this. Apple cider? Apple cider is correct. Wow. I'll take some apple cider. Yeah, for sure. Have you put an apple cider? I'm winning right now. Yeah, turnips and apple cider, not so great. We've got this. Of course, it would have been hard apple cider at the time.
Just such a funny way to start the day. Start the day with almost beer. But he believed that it was a healthy way that was like his...
You know when there's always people who are like, you're the oldest woman in the world. What do you attribute this to? And it's always some insane thing.
Like, hey, you don't leave bacon in the mornings or whatever. His was, I drink hard apple cider.
How long did he live? He lived pretty long, 90, I think.
Oh, okay. Which, for that...
I'm gonna start drinking cider in the morning. How do I not get to add the one delicious thing to my smoothie? The one thing that's good to drink, I'm not allowed to put in here. This is already gross as hell, man. I think Siobhan, by skipping that turnip, is really... That could be really, really delicious.
I think we're one for one. Everyone's gotten one so far, right? Okay. Question four.
Mischief night, usually held the night before Halloween, is an unofficial holiday where local shitty teens play stupid pranks on the town, right? But in some parts of New England, Napalacia, it goes by a different name, named after this rotting vegetable people would hurl at houses. What's it called? Tomato night? No, that's wrong. Not tomato night.
Yeah. Something that's like something that's something night, but it's not tomato. What? What is it? Siobhan. A very timid, very timid blend. It's a little pop.
Apple night? Apple night is wrong. Potato night? Potato night is wrong.
You all have to add to your blender. Cabbage night, it is. Cabbage night! Which I guess it is still called that in some place in Vermont, I think? No, in New Jersey, we call that. You call it cabbage night in New Jersey? Did you ever throw rotten cabbage at a house?
No, I was like a good kid. You were on the baseball team. But what's that thing people did, like, did you like...
I knew it as mischief night when I was growing up, and it was, you know, the eggs and teepee and stuff, but I never would have thought to like throw a cabbage around. It's called cabbage night, but people don't really throw cabbage, they egg and teepee have it.
Oh, it's all the usual bullshit. Yeah, it's the usual stuff. I haven't heard of any of these things.
You have another night that you do stuff on that's not Halloween? It's the night before Halloween, and it's specifically like, you know, it's the trick part of the trick-or-treat.
There we go. But isn't the people should choose? The people should choose! They're supposed to choose if they trick-or-treat.
Is this rotting cabbage? No, this is fresh, it's fresh. Yeah, the trouble with cabbage night is you get to wait for a cabbage to rot, and that's a hearty vegetable.
Yeah, that's true. Just throw a jar of sauerkraut. We should give Siobhan a little bit more because he didn't get a turn. Yeah, Siobhan needs a rest of that cabbage. I think that's true. Not more for me, more for Siobhan. My lid is already on him, so it's okay.
All right, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous.
All right, maybe over here. We are still tied up one-to-one. Moving on, this should be an easy one.
In Central European folklore, this food was believed to ward off demons, werewolves, and vampires. Garlic is correct.
I'm very half-hearted. I wasn't actually going to say garlic. What were you going to say?
I was going to say sauerkraut, but I think I was just thinking it from the cabbage. Sauerkraut. Which I'm honestly happy I don't have to add sauerkraut now.
I always found the garlic with vampires thing such like an odd... That's a lot of garlic. That's so much garlic.
Just one spine. Oh, it's not even chopped up, but it smells.
Oh, god. Fuck. Oh, god. Jesus. That's...
I can smell that from here. As soon as we start blending this, we're going to live in a garlic house for the rest of our lives. Isn't that weird that garlic is like... Every other vampire thing is like, you have to get a steak through the heart. You have to cut off the head. And garlic seems like the easiest thing. Which also everyone has. Yeah. Everybody just has garlic. But why should vampires ever be scary if you just like... Yeah, every house has a bunch of garlic in it. You know what wards off vampires?
Pillow cases. I can't even joke around. All right, I think that is Siobhan with two. Everyone else with one.
Shit. On to question six. Shalac is a substance excreted out of a lac bug. Oh, no. Why does that answer?
Yeah, Siobhan. Siobhan?
It's the early answer. What is the answer to that? Is it coxinil? No, it's not. All right, finish the question. What do we got? What's the answer to the question?
Shalac is a substance excreted out of a lac bug. It's used to give a shiny finish to woodwork, nail polish, and this candy.
Oh, I know it. Damn it. Shit.
I need a candy. What candy has shalac on it? Is it a nice one? Yeah, Grant. Candy apples?
No. Can you give that one more bite just for the candles? No.
Oh, so many chugs. All right, Zach, what do you have? I already forgot mine.
Uh, Jolly Ranchers? No, it's not Jolly Ranchers. Siobhan will count, but do you want to give it a go? I think it's Eminence. It's not Eminence. It is Jelly Belly Jelly Beans.
I got that shiny hard finish. And it's bugs? Well, it's shiny hard finish is bugs. Please, Grant. It's squirt down the bug's ass. And kind of the same stuff you put on, you know, desks to make them shiny.
So, Jelly Beans. There you go. I'm going to tell you, I don't like handfuls of Jelly Bellies because I don't like all those different flavors. I'm really not going to like all the different flavors of Jelly Belly, blended with all the different fucking vegetables now in my drink. Well, Jelly Belly was founded actually to be, on that very principle, it was, I want to separate these flavors into different Jelly Beans.
And we've just completely gone against the spirit of the company by combining them all here. Yeah, nothing like a chore with your candy. Uh, another weird fun fact here is that the, uh, the Jelly Belly company, uh, was originally the Gerlitz Confession Company, which is also the company that invented candy corn. What a shit company. What a rut. Gerlitz, you're rotten. Jelly Beans are essentially candy corn.
Yeah. They're similar, right? Yeah. You, you, you just, you just set up a huge play more of the company. Oh, yeah.
And the walls were added and a hot dog is not a sandwich. Jelly Beans are terrible too. Anyway, I'm sorry. They're very bad.
All right. I think we're still with Siobhan too. Everyone, that's more. One for both of you. Question seven.
Spiders are creepy crawly nightmare bugs seen all over Halloween. But in Australia and New Zealand, a spider is also a dessert. What do we call that here in the US? What is a spider? Something they call a spider in Australia and New Zealand is called something else here.
What is it? It's a dessert. So I'll say it one more time. Camera.
Spiders are a creepy crawly nightmare bug seen all over Halloween. But in Australia and New Zealand, a spider is also a dessert.
What do we call that here? Things that Australians and people in New Zealand call spiders? What do we call that?
Siobhan. Is it a candy apple? It's not a candy apple.
You got to say it. Well, you buzzed it too. I did. I was hoping somebody would come to me.
Let's go with ice cream sandwiches. It's not ice cream sandwiches. Cotton candy? It's not. No, it's not cotton candy. The answer is an ice cream or root beer float.
It's called a spider for some fucking reason. I get it. No, how do you get it? You put it in there and then like the different. So yeah, go ahead. Okay. Why is it called a spider? Yeah, yeah. It sort of like spreads down the sides of the glass like it's spiders down. All right. What happened over here? We only have two though. Oh, no. Well, that's okay. Can I just drink that? We can split it.
It looks good though. It looks great, doesn't it?
You know, a spider. A frosty spider. I looked around and I got like a couple different answers on why they call it a spider.
I'm convinced that there was... Oh, Jesus. I'm trying to split it evenly among all of you. The thing is most of this stuff isn't bad, right?
It's just the addition. It's the combination.
It's the, like, what's not going to help this is garlic. Oh, sure. I mean, maybe. You might get a little less ice cream than that's okay. It doesn't. Oh, don't.
I'm just going to splash it. It's a terrible game. Are you blending? The creaminess is going to be such a terrible texture in here now. All right. It really blumps at the bottom. It's like funfetti. Oh, man.
Look at that. Yours is truly like a beautiful dessert. Yeah, you've avoided... Yeah, you've said that it's purple because of the cabbage. I feel like I can turn of smells. You've done pretty well so far. The contents of a garbage disposal.
Yes. Okay, we have two questions left. Jevon's still in the lead. By one, right? By one.
In Greek mythology, the goddess Persephone has abducted the underworld and before she...
Pomegranate seeds. Pomegranate seeds is correct.
God damn it.
He knows her classes.
What was the question? Before she's rescued from the underworld, what food did Persephone eat in Hades?
It was pomegranate seeds. Good thing Shavon doesn't get to add this delicious food. Yeah, I'll mix up. Your pomegranate seeds are fine. I just don't want to lose. That's correct. I'm concerned about what I'm drinking. God, pomegranate seeds look like red teeth. Disgusting.
All right, go ahead and give those a hand. All right, we have two questions left.
It's so garlicky over there. It's very garlicky.
And Shavon is up by two. I have three and they have one each. So someone other than Shavon needs to answer both of these correct. It's gonna be me, I'm gonna smoke this game. All right.
General Mills' monster cereal includes Count Chocula, Frank and Ben, Boo Berry. The flavors of Count Chocula and Boo Berry are pretty obvious. But what is the flavor of Frank and Berry? You've all seen it? Count Chocula, what were you saying? So there's the monster cereal, right?
Cranberry? It's not cranberry. What is the flavor of Frank and Berry, the monster cereal that General Mills puts out? Every Halloween time. Raspberry? It's not raspberry, no. Well, they're wrong.
I know I'm wrong, but also they're wrong. Zach's looking so skeptical. Are you trying to think, what could a Frank and Berry be? Look at the weird, yeah. Like last time when I played this game, I had a guess that was just at the top of my brain and I knew when I said it, everyone would make fun of me. You're gonna do it again?
Watermelon. You know what, I was thinking watermelon. I was thinking watermelon.
Not a berry at all, but just going for it. Not sure. It is not watermelon, no. It's the easiest answer. It's just strawberry.
That is obvious. That was the phrasing of the question. Travis, you have to drink this smoothie. That's the obvious berry.
Yeah, why didn't you guess it? I thought I was being clever.
They still have their stems on. Why wouldn't you take the stems off? Not even this. Take them off. It's so easy. Whatever. I'll eat some stems.
Can't be grosser than what's already in here. Another fun fact about Frank and Berry. There was a, there's a condition called Frank and Berry stool. What? That a bunch of mothers reported because there is a, at least at the time they used a pigment that couldn't be digested. So a lot of mothers were reporting that their children had bright pink shit. And it's like in pediatric manuals, Frank and Berry stool.
There you go. Give it a point. All right. We're down to our last question and it's impossible for Siobhan to lose at this point. So here we go.
Zombies in Haitian tradition are people forced into slavery after death. But a zombie could be saved by feeding him water. Great.
Zombie fruit. What's a zombie fruit? What's that dead fruit? The fruit that smells like it's dead. Come on. Zombie fruit's a thing.
Oranges. Oranges is incorrect.
Yeah, whatever. Fuck it. Siobhan, you're just going to bow out?
It doesn't. God, I don't know. From Haiti? Was that a cutie? I have no idea.
The answer is salt. Oh. So we can put salt in. Also. Yeah, that's how the game works.
That's antithetical to zombies. They don't want to dry all the zombies. I know the thing that they just have, like the garlic for vampires. Are monsters just easy to fight?
Well, I guess you would have to feed it salt, right? That would be a bit of a hassle. There's salt in everything. I could feed a zombie salt.
Fuck your zombie. Please be careful. It's so savory with hits of like really, really sweet bits. That's not a song we'll have to drink, there's anyway. Just be nice to me. No.
That's enough.
That's so much salt. Oh, what are you doing? That's so much salt. That's funny. All right, give that a good salt away.
All right, well, while we get the cover, all right, well, while we get the cups, how's everyone feeling? I feel great. I feel so bad about A, losing, and B, what's about to happen to my body.
Do you guys have the same thing in your smoothie? Did you? No, I missed apple cider. I missed candy corn.
Okay. Which is honestly, candy corn is the worst part of this smoothie. And I don't, like the rest of this is just like vegetables. Okay. The candy corn's a disaster.
How's it smell? It smells like so much garlic.
The fuck is happening? All right, how much do I have to drink? Give it a good solid go. You know, you don't want to... The people want to see...
Oh, it's so lumpy. It's so lumpy.
Scrub it, put it away. See on the other side? All right.
Fill it up, all right. Fill it up. The crowd is yelling for me to fill it up.
This is the most I'm going to drink of this. If I throw up, I'm throwing up into Siobhan's smoothie. That she doesn't have to drink. What is she doing? Yeah. What are you fighting? I don't want to watch you do it. She's afraid you're going to vomit, and then she's going to vomit.
Fuck everything.
Oh, it's so sweet. There's so much of it, and it's so chewy. It's not a liquid. Oh, no. I didn't chew it. I solid it whole, and I felt it all the way down.
Take another drink.
Shut the fuck up. You're out of your mind. I'm not going to take another. Oh, God. I'm so glad I didn't have to drink this, but it also does not smell that bad. Well, you missed out on the garlic and the turnips.
Yes. Yours is probably OK. It's fine.
It doesn't even smell particularly cabbage-y. Zach, which is worse? This one or the first smoothie of death? Sorry, I'm just still kind of dealing with it. I'm salivating so much. My mouth is trying to flush everything that's in it. Consistency-wise, this was worse. It entered my mouth, and it was just like, I ate a piece of something. Without chewing anything. For longer, it would be better. Uh, maybe. There's bits of garlic, truly, in my mouth. I think the first time was way worse, in terms of just overwhelming shock value on the flavors. The texture of this is just not... All right. As of just for goodwill. Oh, no. It's very foamy. It's garlic and strawberries on the nose. Correct.
It really is very bad. It really tastes truly, truly bad. It's so... It really is disgusting.
I was so surprised. I tried to describe it. The pieces. I was so surprised that it was so solid. I went to drink, and I just hit against my lips like a wall. And there we go.
Surprisingly, strawberry-y. It's really berry strawberry-y. Strawberries and garlic is really what's going through here.
Well, I think that's it. Congratulations to Siobhan for a successful smoothie with death. I really appreciate you taking a sip of that. Hey, it's the least I can say. That really is. You're very cool. This is the right kind of guy in my trap here. Cheers.
Don't sip it again. I don't want you to sip it again.
All right. I think that's it for us. Thank you for joining us on Smoothie with Death's Spooky Edition. And we'll see you around. Yeah, I'll wake up.
Pomegranate seeds are fine. I just don't want to lose. I'm concerned about what I'm drinking. God, pomegranate seeds look like red teeth. Disgusting.
All right, go ahead and give those a hand. All right, we have two questions left.
It's so garlicky over here. It's very garlicky.
And Siobhan is up by two. I have three and they have one. They have three and they have two. So someone other than Siobhan needs to answer both of these correct.
It's gonna make me, I'm gonna smoke this game. All right. General Mills' Monster Cereal includes Count Chocula, Frank and Ben Boo Berry. The flavors of Count Chocula and Boo Berry are pretty obvious. But what is the flavor of Frank and Berry? You've all seen it. Count Chocula, what were you saying? So there's the Monster Cereal, right?
Cranberry? It's not cranberry. What is the flavor of Frank and Berry? The Monster Cereal that General Mills puts out every Halloween time. Raspberry? It's not raspberry, no. Well, they're wrong.
I know I'm wrong, but also they're wrong. Zach's looking so skeptical. Are you trying to think, what could a Frank and Berry be? I'm looking at weird, yeah.
Like last time when I played this game, I had a guess that was just at the top of my brain and I knew when I said it, everyone would make fun of me. You're gonna do it again.
What is it? Watermelon. I was thinking watermelon. Not a berry at all, but just going for it. Not sure. It is not watermelon, no. It's the easiest answer. It's just strawberry.
That is obvious. That was the phrasing of the question. Trav, you have to drink this smoothie. That's the obvious berry.
Yeah, why didn't you guess it? I thought I was being clever.
They still have their stems on. Why wouldn't you take the stems off? Not even this. Take them off. It's so easy. Whatever. I'll eat some stems.
It can't be grosser than what's already in here. Another fun fact about frankenberry, there's a condition called frankenberry stool that a bunch of mothers reported because there is, at least at the time, they used a pigment that couldn't be digested. So a lot of mothers were reporting that their children had bright pink shit. And it's like in pediatric manuals, frankenberry stool.
There you go. Give it a pull. All right, we're down to our last question and it's impossible for Siobhan to lose at this point. So here we go.
Zombies, in Haitian tradition, are people forced into slavery after death, but a zombie could be saved by feeding him what? Grant.
Zombie fruit. What's a zombie fruit? What's that dead fruit? The fruit that smells like it's dead. Come on, zombie fruit's a thing.
Oranges. Oranges is incorrect.
Yeah, whatever. Siobhan, you're just going to bow out?
God, I don't know. From Haiti? I have no idea.
The answer is salt. Oh. So we can put salt in? Also- Yeah, that's how the game works.
That's antithetical to zombies. They don't want to dry out a zombie. No one wants a dry zombie.
They just have the garlic for vampires. Are monsters just easy to fight?
Well, I guess you would have to feed it salt, right? That would be a bit of a hassle. There's salt in everything. I could feed a zombie salt.
Fuck a zombie. Please be careful. It's so savory with hits of like- Was that enough to add more? ... sweet bits in there. Siobhan won't have to drink hers anyway. Yeah. Just be nice to me. Nope. That's enough.
Oh, God! That's a theory! Too much is happening! Oh, what are you doing? That's so much salt.
That's funny.
All right, give that a good solid good way. All right.
Well, while we get the cups, how's everyone feeling? I feel great. I feel so bad about A, losing, and B, what's about to happen to my body.
Do you guys have the same thing in your smoothie? No, I missed apple cider. I missed candy corn. Okay, which is honestly, the candy corn is the worst part of this smoothie, and the rest of this is just like vegetables. Okay. The candy corn's a disaster.
How's it smell? It smells like so much garlic.
Fuck is happening. All right, how much do I have to drink? Give it a good solid go. You know, you don't want to... The people want to see...
Oh, it's so lumpy. It's so lumpy. Oh, my gosh.
Screw it. Put it over here. See you on the other side. All right.
Fill it up. Fill it up? The crowd is yelling for me to fill it up. This is the most I'm going to drink of this. Fill it up!
If I throw up, I'm throwing up into Siobhan's smoothie. That she doesn't have to drink. What is she doing? What are you waiting for? I don't want to watch you do it. She's afraid you're going to vomit, and then she's going to...
All right. This is a terrible game. Are you blending? The creaminess is going to be such a terrible texture in here now. All right.
Only lumps at the bottom. It's like funfetti. Oh, man, look at that. Yours is truly like a beautiful dessert.
Yeah, you've avoided... Yeah, you said that it's purple because of the cabbage. I feel like I can turn of stuff. Yes. You've done pretty well so far. The contents of a garbage disposal. Yes. Okay, we have two questions left. J'Mann's still in the lead.
By one, right? By one.
In Greek mythology, the goddess Persephone has abducted the underworld.
Pomegranate seeds. Pomegranate seeds is correct.
God damn it!
Those are classes. What was the question?
Before she's rescued from the underworld, what food did Persephone eat in Hades? It was pomegranate seeds. Good thing Shavon doesn't get to add this delicious food. Yeah, I'll mix up. Pomegranate seeds are fine. I just don't want to lose. I'm concerned about what I'm drinking. God, pomegranate seeds look like red teeth. That'd be disgusting.
All right, go ahead and give those up. All right, we have two questions left.
It's so garlicky over there. It's very garlicky.
And Shavon is up by two. I have three and they have one. You have three and they have you. So someone other than Shavon needs to answer both of these correct.
It's going to make me, I'm going to smoke this game. All right. I don't even fucking like doing this.
General Mill's monster cereal includes Count Chocula, Frank and Ben Boo Berry. The flavors of Count Chocula and Boo Berry are pretty obvious. But what is the flavor of Frank and Berry? You've all seen it? Count Chocula, what were you saying? So there's the monster cereal, right? Cranberry? It's not cranberry. What is the flavor of Frank and Berry? The monster cereal that General Mills puts out every Halloween time. Raspberry?
It's not raspberry, no. Well, they're raw. I mean, I know I'm raw, but also they're raw.
Zach's looking so skeptical. Are you trying to think, what could a Frank and Berry be? Look at the weird, yeah.
Like last time when I played this game, I had a guess that was just at the top of my brain. And I knew when I said it, everyone would make fun of me. But I'm going to do it again.
No, it's the easiest answer. It's just strawberry. That is obvious. It's so sweet. That's the obvious berry.
Yeah, why didn't you guess it? I thought I was being clever.
They still have their stems on. Why wouldn't you take the stems off? I really don't mind. Not even just take them off. It's so easy. Whatever. I'll eat some stems.
Can't be grosser than what's already in here. Another fun fact about Frank and Berry. There's a condition called Frank and Berry stool. What? That a bunch of mothers reported because there is a, at least at the time, they used a pigment that couldn't be digested. So a lot of mothers were reporting that their children had bright pink chin. It's like in pediatric manuals. Frank and Berry stool.
There you go. Give it a go. All right. We're down to our last question, and it's impossible for Siobhan to lose at this point. Here we go.
Zombies, in Haitian tradition, are people forced into slavery after death, but a zombie could be saved by feeding him water. Grant.
Zombie fruit. What's a zombie fruit? What's that dead fruit? The fruit that smells like it's dead. Come on. Zombie fruit's a thing.
Oranges. Oranges is incorrect.
Yeah, whatever. Siobhan, you're just going to bow out?
It doesn't feel good. I don't know. From Haiti? I have no idea.
The answer is salt. Oh. So we're going to put salt in? Also- Yeah, that's how the game works.
That's antithetical to zombies. They don't want to dry all the zombies. No one wants a dry zombie. They just have the garlic for vampires. Are monsters just easy to fight?
Well, I guess you would have to feed it salt, right? That would be a bit of a hassle. There's salt in everything. I could feed a zombie salt. Fucker zombie.
Please be careful. It's so savory with hits of like really, really sweet bits. That's nice. Siobhan won't have to drink hers any more. Just be nice to me.
No. That's enough. What the fuck just happened? No. What are you doing?
That's so much salt. That's funny.
Let this go. I didn't chew it. I saw it in a hole and I felt it all the way down.
Take another drink.
Shut the fuck up. You're out of your mind. I'm not going to take another- Oh, God. I'm so glad I didn't have to drink this, but it also does not smell that bad. Well, you missed out on the garlic and the turnips.
Yes. Yours is probably okay. It's fine. It doesn't even smell particularly cabbage-y.
Zach, which is worse, this one or the first movie? Um, sorry, I'm just still kind of dealing with it.
I'm salivating so much. Like, my mouth is trying to flush everything that's in it. This was- consistency-wise, this was worse. Like, hitting it- like, entered my mouth and it was just like- All right.
Well, while we get the cups, how's everyone feeling? I feel great. I feel so bad about A, losing, and B, what's about to happen to my body.
Do you guys have the same thing in your smoothie? Did you- No, I missed apple cider. I got- I missed candy corn.
Okay. Which is so- which is honestly- Candy corn is the worst part of this smoothie, and I don't- like, the rest of this is just like, vegetables. Okay. The candy corn's a disaster.
How's it smell? It smells like- Mine smells like- It smells like so much garlic.
The fuck is happening? All right, how much do I have to drink? Give it a good solid go.
You know, it don't like- you don't want to- The people want to see- oh, it's so lumpy. It's so lumpy. Don't wash your hands. Scrub it, put it up.
Is he on the other side? All right.
Fill it up, all right. Fill it up. Fill it up? The crowd is yelling for me to fill it up. This is the most I'm going to drink of this. Fill it up!
If I throw up, I'm throwing up into Siobhan's smoothie. That you- doesn't have to drink. What is she doing? What are you fighting? I don't know what she's doing. She's afraid you're going to vomit, and then she's going to vomit.
Fuck everything.
It's- oh, it's so sweet. Oh, it's so bad. It was so- there's so much of it, and it's so- it's so chewy. It's not a liquid. Oh, no. I didn't chew it. I saw it in a hole, and I felt it all the way down.
Take another drink.
Shut the fuck up. You're out of your mind. I'm not going to take another- oh, God. I'm so glad I didn't have to drink this, but it also does not smell that bad. Well, you missed out on the garlic and the turnips.
Yes. Yours is probably okay. It's fine. It doesn't even smell particularly cabbage-y.
Zach, which is worse, this one or the first smoothie of death? Um, sorry, I'm just still kind of dealing with it. I'm salivating so much. Like, my mouth is trying to flush everything that's in it. This was- consistency-wise, this was worse. Like, hitting it- it, like, entered my mouth, and it was just like, I ate a piece of something. Like, I didn't- like, without chewing anything.
For longer, it would be better. Uh, maybe.
There's bits of garlic, truly, in my mouth. I think the first time was way worse, in terms of just overwhelming shock value on the flavors. The texture of this is just not- All right, as a gesture of goodwill, it's very foamy. Uh, it's, um, garlic? There's bits of garlic, truly, in my mouth. I think the first time was way worse, in terms of just overwhelming shock value on the flavors. The texture of this is just not- All right, as a gesture of goodwill, oh no. It's very foamy. Uh, it's, um, garlic and strawberries on the nose.
It really is very bad. It really tastes truly, truly bad. It's so- it really is disgusting.
I was so surprised. I tried to describe it. The pieces. I was so surprised that it was so solid. I went to drink and just hit against my lips, like a wall. There we go.
Surprisingly, strawberry-y. Like, I feel like the strawberry- Yeah, it's really very strawberry-y. Strawberries and garlic.
That's really what's going through here. Well, I think that's it. Congratulations to Siobhan for a successful smoothie with death. I really appreciate you taking a sip of that. Hey, it's the least I can say. That really is. You're- Very cool. This is the right kind of guy in my trap here. Yeah. Cheers.
Don't sip it again. I don't want you to sip it again.
All right, I think that's it for us. Thank you for joining us on Smoothie with Death's spooky edition, and we'll see you around.
Truly, truly bad. It's so- it really is disgusting.
I was so surprised. I tried to describe it. The pieces. I was so surprised that it was so solid. I went to drink and just hit against my lips with the wall. It is. There we go.
Surprisingly, strawberry-y. Like, I feel like the strawberry- Yeah, it's really very strawberry-y. Strawberries and garlic.
That's really what's going through here. Well, I think that's it. Congratulations to Siobhan. Thank you. For a successful Smoothie with Death. I really appreciate you taking a sip of that. Hey, it's the least I can say. That really is. You're very cool. This is the right kind of guy. I'm like, trap here. No. Cheers.
Don't sip it again. I don't want you to sip it again.
All right, I think that's it for us. Thank you for joining us on Smoothie with Death's spooky edition, and we'll see you around. |
cracked | how_video_games_create_realism_by_boring_you_to_death_escort_mission | Wait a minute. I know this music. What? No you don't, buddy. Shut up. Come on.
It's just generic video game score. I mean it's not like it would show up on your Shazam or whatever. I would not check Shazam. Shazam?
Nobody's used that app since 2011. Wait. 2011 was something about that year.
I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the... Was that a town person sadly reminiscing?
God damn it. This is Skyrim, isn't it? Okay. A little bit. Dude, I missed the Giants Super Bowl win and the Heatz First Championship and the London Olympics because of this game. Well, in my defense, this is a remastered version. Which means... That the graphics are significantly a little better. Dude, you have to promise to not get sucked into a vortex with this game like last time. Please. Honestly, man, you know I would. But at the end of this game, there's literally a vortex I have to walk into to get to Southern Guard.
So I'll just save us both some time and say you should buy a TV for your room. Apologies to my beloved house, Carl. I hate how winsome that nickname is.
Okay, what? It's a book, buddy. All right, it's like a video game, but the graphics are in your mind and the stories in your mind and the controller is not really part of the comparison. Why are you reading it? Because I have to for game stuff. Is there a map or something on one of these pages? Possibly. Yeah, if it enhances the story, there could be one, but I doubt the designers put that much detail in it. I don't understand. Do you need this information for one of your quests? No, not really.
It's just lore. You know, other tales from the larger Elder Scrolls universe. You said you had to read this for game stuff, but this book is just a totally separate story that takes place in some totally unrelated space and time in the Skyrim universe.
Exactly. Oh, the attention to detail. Are they all like that? No, no, no, no, they're all different.
There's history books, folk tales, recipes. Wait, recipes like for cooking? Oh, yeah, dude, you can cook in this game and it's probably better for you than just grabbing something at the end.
Am I right? Okay, right, right.
So when you read these books, you learn something that you can use in the game. No, no, I was just joking. Sometimes you learn a spell from a manuscript or you get a skill point that improves your character. Sometimes you read a journal or something and that can directly impact your quest. But those are all in italics. Most of the time, all caps, just lore.
So you don't need to read it to beat the game is the point. You need to read it to enjoy the fun game you're playing is my point. Fine, but if it doesn't impact the game in any way, why is it in the game at all? You don't know that a book's not going to give you a bonus till after you open it. So the designers wrote pages and pages of needless context for this incredibly massive game, but they have to trick you into reading it by dangling the remote possibility of upgrading your character. First of all, you don't upgrade a character, you level up, which isn't even really a possibility because a book only gives you a single skill point, but also they don't trick you. All right, if you're going to get a bonus from reading, you get it just by opening the cover.
Like you don't have to read the book. Honestly, I don't have to read a word of this if I don't want to. Then why would you or anybody else read this? Most people don't. I'm sure almost all these books go totally unread, except by we true, few aficionado compulsives who...
You know, I don't know. Just want to see if there's something good in there. Is there? No.
No, they're not good books. Mostly cliff's notes, really very short and poorly written. Not... not good.
So the game designers wrote mounds and mounds of truncated lore to give a few highly addictive gamers the gist of some other boring stories from the world they're in? Why wouldn't they just make it a part of the quest you do? Oh, dude, have you seen my quest backlog?
No, and I can't ever. You can never show that to me.
The point is, I don't need any more side quests. The game would become overwhelming. Or... overwhelming-er, and I wouldn't want to play it, which would be a very big problem for me. Why don't the designers make an app or something so the gamers, you know, can enjoy the lore on a second screen?
So their depressed roommates can watch a Nix game before he dies. Or as he dies. F***ing Nix.
Other games have tried that. Destiny has a little lore system you can unlock called Grim War, and you read those on a companion app, but the gaming community was pissed because it wasn't in the game. We're never happy with anything. It's great. Plus, Skyrim's not the only game with lore. Tons of games have it. Your witchers, your falls-out, even old-school Final Fantasies had lore.
Terrible stuff.
It's an RPG staple, makes you feel immersed. But how does a bunch of half-assed summaries of stories make you feel immersed? It makes the world feel more alive. The people in it have a complex, rich history that you can catch little glimpses into if you want. Makes the whole thing more believable. This feels believable to you? Sometimes the glitches enhance the game, you know? Gives it a little personality.
Sometimes instead of shitting out that poorly transcribed extended history of vampires, they could have just fixed the game so it didn't break all the time. I'm sure they'll fix it for the re-remaster coming out in a few years.
Probably by the time the sequel comes out. Holy shit. It is going to be so good, dude. I heard the sequel is going to have a world map five times as big as this game. I bet the lore is boring as f***.
You know I keep it watching Carmelo Anthony shoot 7 for 31 right now, right? You know you could be reading about the Daedric Prince of the Underplane right now, right? Hey guys, thanks for watching another episode of Esco Mission. I don't know what Michael's doing right now, but please like, comment, and subscribe. I am starting a lore book club, so everyone please go to the library at the Wizarding School and read the first whole shelf, like the Ugro Shrub, I think is the librarian's name. Read the first and we're going to meet at my house and we're going to talk about them. Great.
I won't be there. I will not be there. Greg won't be attending.
Wait a minute. I know this music. What? No you don't, buddy. Shut up. Come on.
It's just generic video game score. I mean it's not like it would show up on your Shazam or whatever. I would not check Shazam. Shazam?
Nobody's used that app since 2011. Wait, 2011 was something about that year.
I used to be an adventurer like you. Then I took an arrow in the... Was that a town person sadly reminiscing? God damn it! This is Skyrim, isn't it?
Okay. A little bit.
Dude, I missed the giant Super Bowl win and the Heat's first championship and the London Olympics because of this game. Well, in my defense, this is a remastered version. Which means? That the graphics are significantly a little better. Dude, you have to promise to not get sucked into a vortex with this game like last time.
Please. Honestly, man, you know I would.
But at the end of this game, there's literally a vortex I have to walk into to get to Saldengard. So, I'll just save us both some time and say you should buy a TV for your room. Apologies to my beloved house, Carl. I hate how winsome that nickname is.
Okay, what? It's a book, buddy. It's like a video game, but the graphics are in your mind. And the story is in your mind. And the controller is not really part of the comparison. Why are you reading it? Because I have to for game stuff. Is there a map or something on one of these pages? Possibly. Yeah, if it enhances the story, there could be one. But I doubt the designers put that much detail in it. But I don't understand. Do you need this information from one of your quests? No, not really.
It's just lore. You know, other tales from the larger Elder Scrolls universe. You said you had to read this for game stuff. But this book is just a totally separate story that takes place in some totally unrelated space and time in the Skyrim universe?
Exactly. Oh, the attention to detail. Are they all like that? No, no, no, no. They're all different.
There's history books, folk tales, recipes. Wait, recipes like for cooking?
Oh yeah, dude. You can cook in this game. And it's probably better for you than just grabbing something at the end, am I right? Okay, right, right.
So when you read these books, you learn something that you can use in the game. No, no, I was just joking. Sometimes you learn a spell from a manuscript or you get a skill point that improves your character. Sometimes you read a journal or something and that can directly impact your quest. But those are all in italics. Most of the time, all caps, it's just lore. So you don't need to read it to beat the game is the point. You need to read it to enjoy the fun game you're playing is my point. It's fine, but if it doesn't impact the game in any way, why is it in the game at all?
You don't know that a book's not going to give you a bonus until after you open it. So the designers wrote pages and pages of needless context for this incredibly massive game, but they have to trick you into reading it by dangling the remote possibility of upgrading your character? You don't upgrade a character. You level up. Which isn't even really a possibility because a book only gives you a single skill point, but also they don't trick you.
All right. If you're going to get a bonus from reading, you get it just by opening the cover. Like you don't have to read the book. Honestly, I don't have to read a word of this if I don't want to.
Then why would you or anybody else read this? Most people don't. I'm sure almost all of these books go totally unread, except by we true, few aficionado compulsives who...
You know, I don't know. Just want to see if there's something good in there. Is there? No.
No, they're not good books. Mostly Cliffs Notes. Really very short and poorly written. Not... not good. So the game designers wrote mounds and mounds of truncated lore to give a few highly addictive gamers the gist of some other boring stories from the world they're in?
Why wouldn't they just make it a part of the quest you do? Oh, dude, have you seen my quest backlog?
No. And I can't ever. You can never show that to me. The point is, I don't need any more side quests.
The game would become overwhelming. Or... overwhelming-er. And I wouldn't want to play it, which would be a very big problem for me. Why don't the designers make an app or something so the gamers, you know, can enjoy the lore on a second screen?
So their depressed roommates can watch a Nix game before he dies. Or as he dies. F***ing Nix.
Other games have tried that. Destiny has a whole lore system you can unlock called Grimoire. And you read those on a companion app, but the gaming community was pissed because it wasn't in the game. We're never happy with anything. It's great. Plus, Skyrim's not the only game with lore. Tons of games have it. Your witchers, your falls-out, even old-school Final Fantasies had lore. Terrible stuff. It's an RPG staple.
Makes you feel immersed. But how does a bunch of half-assed summaries of stories make you feel immersed? It makes the world feel more alive. The people in it have a complex, rich history that you can catch little glimpses into if you want. Makes the whole thing more believable. This feels believable to you? Sometimes the glitches enhance the game, you know? It gives it a little personality.
You realize instead of shitting out that poorly transcribed extended history of vampires, they could have just fixed the game so it didn't break all the time. I'm sure they'll fix it for the re-remaster coming out in a few years.
Probably by the time the sequel comes out. Holy shit! It is going to be so good, dude. I heard the sequel is going to have a world map five times as big as this game. I bet the lore is boring as fuck.
You know I keep it watching Carmelo Anthony shoot 7 for 31 right now, right? You know you could be reading about the Daedric Prince of the Underplane right now, right? Hey guys, thanks for watching another episode of Esco Mission. I don't know what Michael's doing right now, but please like, comment, and subscribe.
I am starting a lore book club, so everyone please go to the library at the Wizarding School and read the first whole shelf. Like the Ugro Shub, I think is the librarian's name. Read the first. We're going to meet at my house and we're going to talk about them. Great.
I won't be there. I will not be there. Greg won't be attending. |
cracked | 12_27_07_news_on_cracked_fergie_s_engaged_linday_s_sober | It's Thursday, December 27, 2007, and this is the News on Cracked. I'm Lex Friedman, and I approve this message. And I need a haircut, too.
A suspension bridge collapsed into a river in West Nepal yesterday. Authorities believe that hundreds of people may be injured, but a spokesman for the Nepalese government told the News on Cracked, quote, will cross that bridge when we...oh crap.
New York City murder statistics are on track to reach their lowest point this year since numbers were first reported late December back in 1963. Oh what a night. But anyway, there are still four big killing days left in the calendar year, so come on, Big Apple murderers. You can do it. We can beat this thing.
Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, not the Black Eyed Monarchy, is reportedly set to wed longtime boyfriend and star of TV's Las Vegas, Josh Dumas. The two will reportedly marry in Vermont since it's one of the few states that currently allows two men to get married. Lindsay Lohan has claimed in court documents that she was completely, totally stone sober before a 2005 car crash near Beverly Hills. Let's take a look at those court documents. You know, I believe her. I really, really do.
And finally, when the New England Patriots attempt to become the first NFL team ever to go 16-0 in the regular season in Saturday Night's Game versus the New York Giants, the NFL Network's telecast will be broadcast simultaneously on NBC and CBS. The game will mark a series of firsts. It will be the first time any sane person has had a reason to root for the New York Giants, for one. And it will also be the first time since Barry Bonds that professional sports have so celebrated cheating. P.S. Go Eagles.
That's it for today's edition of the News on Cracked. Check back tomorrow when Cracked.com will run down the year in douchebaggery. You're going to like that. And by the way, if you like high fives, I'll be giving out a bucket load. See you Friday. |
SaturdayNightLive | telenovela_snl | Okay, some really great stuff in there, guys. Francisco, I love it. Oh, thank you.
Now, your line. yeah, what's up? maybe some pronunciation issues there. Oh, that makes sense. I don't speak no Spanish. oh, sorry, you don't speak Spanish? Nah, but I only got one line.
Parfa Kuta after I'm not trying to really but on a real what the hell am I even talking about? I don't know You made your line longer. Randy What happened here?
This woman does not speak Spanish I'm not sure sir where the casting clearly said Latina. Oh! Who not Latina? I am Latina. Oh, you are? Yeah. my name is Latina Jefferson. Oh, my God.
Okay. well, this is clearly not going to work. Um, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I know how hard it was to break into this business.
So, can we give Latina one more chance, please? All right. fine.
Bastion de las Padeas.
Scene 12, take 2-c as in Caesar the Day. And action! I'm sorry, my dear, for the fact that I'm here with you. Valentina!
I'm Latina Jefferson, baby. And guess what? I got my own money. and I'm making my own damn show. |
TheOnion | United_States_Settles_000000012_Of_China_Debt_With_Autographed_Photo_Of_Jon_Hamm | 57 women are stoned to death during the annual Riyadh Fashion Week. A frantic Biden searches a dog shelter for a bow lookalike, and a fun sticker is placed on a child's ventilator. And now, for viewers too ignorant to read the words literally printed before their eyes, here is the name of the program. This is The Onion Week in Review.
In a deal policymakers have hailed as a decisive step towards combating the rapidly escalating national debt, the United States settled 1200 millionth of a percent of its debt to China this week with a single autographed photograph of John Hamm. The sale of the glossy signed headshot of the acclaimed actor, which China reportedly accepted for a financial easement of approximately $150 out of America's estimated $1.3 trillion in obligations, concludes a six-month negotiation between the two parties. The decision to part with an autograph from an actor of Mr. Hamm's caliber was obviously not an easy one, but without question, this was the right choice for our nation's future. We also have a committee working on plans to sell China a first-pressing LP of the Eagles Hotel California, a Game of Thrones shirt signed by the entire cast, and this tapered black mug.
This week, a new report released by the Pew Research Center found a rising number of weak, emasculated men working as stay-at-home dads. Researchers noted that the class of effete, pathetic fae boys has been expanding at a rapid pace in recent years, with millions of the men, if they can even still be called men, spending entire days performing humiliating domestic chores such as cooking, child-rearing, and tending house. In an anatomical sense, yes, these are men, at least technically speaking. They're people who are nominally male, in some sense of the word, but who are performing domestic duties and caring for children like ineffectual weaklings who might as well be castrated.
As he planned his upcoming move to Denver, Chicago resident Paul Marston told reporters this week that he had never taken the time to truly loathe the city he has called home for the past five years. Admitting that he had simply never set aside the proper time to do so, Marston remarked that he regretted never giving himself the chance to thoroughly despise his current city's lackluster transportation system, depressing music scene, or half-assed excuse for culinary offerings. I lived right next to that bar for four years, and I just wish I took more time to abhor the disgusting smell that hits you every time you walk by. I'd always heard this place blows. Guess it's a shame I never got to hate it like I should. And in this week's science news, a distant planet is terrified that it might be able to someday support human life. In other news, a live cow is lowered onto the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives, the majority of an office's supplies are used to apply for different jobs, and a lapsed cult member only attends Sanctum on major bloodletting holidays. Death now comes, as it does for us all, to this news summary. For more, keep checking TheOnion.com. |
dropout | Webster_s_Adds_New_Word_for_Friend_Zoning_Dermatologist_No_Laugh_Newsroom | From West Hollywood, California, the only news team that doesn't know what's on the teleprompter before they read it. Anyone who laughs or breaks loses points. This is Breaking News. Hello and welcome to Breaking News, the show where we have no idea what we're about to say and we aren't allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Smegan Heaven. And I'm Trombone Toot Toot.
Our first story today. Our first story today, those eggheads over at Webster's Dictionary have done it again. They've announced their new list of words that we must add into our vocabulary or face punishment. These words include argonauts, a person whose parents conceived them while watching the 2012 film Argo.
Stan, the name of my dermatologist who won't get a drink with me. And Fluffster, a fluffer looking for work on Friendster. You guys remember Friendster. My son created Friendster and I barely remember it.
That little twerp. Your son is a twerp. Thank you. Now to the traffic report with Baby Fump. Thank you. For the record, I'm an adult even though my name is Baby Fump.
Traffic is slow. So slow today. Come on, give it to me. How slow is it?
Traffic is so slow that hundreds of cars are filling up with farts but it's too hot to open a window to let the farts out. So all the toots are condensing inside everyone's cars.
I don't get it. I do. And it makes me a horny little EpiPen. And to make things worse, all the radio stations are playing nonstop clips of Terry Gross yawning. Oh my God, that'll never stop. Yes, it's Megan. So if you're getting in a car right now to go drive to work, I'd suggest avoiding the 85, the 101 and the 420. Oh wait, that last one is my favorite weed integer. Me too.
My suggestion, take the 10 and get off at exit 34 and stop by Denny's and get slammed by pancakes. Denny's, the home for people banned from IHOP. Thank you, Baby Bump.
Well, it's day 120 of our never-ending state fair. Today, organizers are holding the annual biggest hog contest.
That sounds like a contest my husband could win. What do you mean by that? Well, I mean that my husband is a large hog. He's a large hog of a man, a very round gentleman who snuffles this little snout around in his plate looking for a delicious morsel to eat. In that way, he's very similar to a large hog. And I think that you'll find that the two have a lot in common. In fact, he's a large hog. I think he could win the competition. Disgusting.
We now have Maximilian Chungus reporting from the county fair. Chungus? Thanks, Toot Toot. I'm here at the county fair where they just concluded the biggest hog contest. The winner was a piggy named Tony Hawk owned by my guest, Tina Hawk. Tina, congratulations on your big pig.
What are 10 things you feed it? Oh, I feed it a lot of stuff. Asparagus, milk, water, juice, orange juice, liquids, diet pills, Coca-Cola, egg salad, and tuna salad.
Interesting. I'd have thought you'd have fed it. Salmon, salmon rush tea, salmon Diane, Samsonite luggage, salmon again. Halfway through. Sam goody gift cards, Sam, and Diane again. You said Diane already. That's what you would have thought? That's what I thought. You have three more You said all Sam things so far.
And I would have thought you would have fed it milk and. No, I said milk. Oh, you said milk. Interesting. Cool, cool. How about milk and cookies? You said milk already.
Cookies and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and a Toblerone. Chungus, I'm told that you and Tina got to spend some time riding the rides this morning. What were your top three?
Wow.
I love that question. My top one was the wheels that spin around where you get inside a tire and then they kind of spin you on a rope. Yeah, they take you on a rope, they spin you in a tire, you go downhill in a tire. You're fighting. What's that called? Huh? What's the name of that ride? It's called I'm stuck in a car. Okay.
And they roll you down a hill, full speed while you're in a tire. Your head's banging against the ground constantly. They roll you straight into the river.
Yeah, and you get points if you get hurt. All right. Well, I did ask for three rides, so can you name two more? And remember, they can be literally anything. Absolutely.
Yeah, my other one was that rollercoaster that was made out of old cars. Oh yeah, the rollercoaster made out of old cars is fantastic. It's a bunch of Model T cars and they're just ricketing up an endless wooden hill.
Tina, what did you think of that? Well, I actually, I loved it too, but then we were told later it wasn't a ride and we were being taken. Man alive, I'd hate all those rides.
Me too. That's it for us today. But before we go, a special round of applause for this week's loser, Raphael Chestang. Oh, thanks. That makes me feel better. Thank you for being with us and playing next on YouTube.
Pornography for dogs, but written by cats. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | bulletin_28_03_19_betoota_weekly_news_bulletin | You're listening to the Batooter Advocates Weekly News Wrap on Desert Rock FM 96.5 Hello and welcome to the Batooter Advocates Weekly News Bulletin. My name is Bruce Hitchcock and sitting alongside me to wrap up all the news from the week that was is Wendell Hussey. Yes hello, thanks for tuning in again for your weekly dose of honest and hard hitting regional news. Kicking things off in the national sphere this week, Dell and One Nation are making headlines again. That's right, they certainly are.
After facing criticism for their attempts to do a deal with the National Rifle Association, the party were then rocked by revelations that the controversial Abrahamic religious entity Satan was cutting ties with them. After years of synergy between Satan and Australia's far right nationalist One Nation, The Great Beast has this week officially disendorsed Pauline Hanson after learning of the overseas meeting with the American gun lobby. This comes after senior One Nation figures James Ashby and Steve Dixon were caught on film seeking millions of dollars of political donations from US gun rights group the NRA in a bid to seize the balance of power in Australia while offering the lobby group weaker gun laws in exchange. Satan, the evil figure, told us that he has to draw a line somewhere and that he knows that he's expected to encourage all forms of hate and evil. But seriously, the NRA Pauline? And following that revelation, the men at the centre of the allegations have since tried to blame their actions on being on the source. That comment from senior One Nation figure James Ashby drew sighs from millions of men around the country after the attempted efforts at procuring tens of millions of dollars in foreign funding from the NRA was blamed on the grog. Considering that he and Dixon flew to Washington DC in an attempt to secure the funding after months of searching for the right contact in America, which as it turned out ended up being an undercover Al Jazeera reporter, his pleas for forgiveness have gone down like a lead balloon. However, despite everyone knowing you can't just exonerate yourself by blaming the grog, a couple of other significant figures have this morning themselves made controversial statements with John Howard blaming the source for that time he invaded Iraq and Sam Dastyari claiming that he was just a bit pissy when he was doing those dodgy deals with Chinese businessmen. And the Australian cricket team has also come out blaming the whole ball tampering incident in Cape Town on a big night on the source as well. Now still in news from the far right, Fraser Anning is causing controversy again this week.
The neo-nazi senator from Queensland caused a stir when his incel nazi mates bash an innocent waiter at a Gladstone cafe a couple of days ago. The luckless waiter, who is earning even less now as a result of the cuts to penalty rates, was choked out by a couple of patriots after asking Anning how he would like his eggs done at the small cafe. Mick D'Mello, the local barista slash waiter and part-time junior soccer coach, says he hasn't been following politics that closely of late and the last he'd heard about Senator Fraser Anning was that One Nation had cut ties with him so simply didn't think much of the eggs question. However, he says he has since learned his lesson and promises never to utter the word eggs in Gladstone again once the wiring is removed from his shattered jaw of course.
Speaking of rough days, it was a particularly rough day for an inner-city lefty down south in the nightlife capital that is the city of Sydney this past weekend. After the results from the state election rolled in, the inner-city lefty was shocked to learn that the entire population doesn't hold the same view as him and his 300 Facebook friends. The Newtown resident named Saul an echo chamber said he's doing some soul searching after the news and not the type of soul searching he's done overseas off the back of his parents sizable income and assets combo but is instead trying to figure out where it all went wrong for the people of New South Wales. Taking a sip from his cold-pressed turmeric and arrow root infused kombucha, the young man told us that his social media had been literally filled with anti-gladice material for at least the last six months and that he thought that everyone was on the same page. He then confirmed to us that he was still coming to terms with the fact that maybe people might have different opinions to him and his insular circle of friends.
And in other southern city related news, it has been confirmed this week that every single restaurant in Melbourne actually does it a little bit differently. According to a recent survey of tourists visiting the Victorian capital, 95% confirmed that they have not visited a Melbourne dining establishment that doesn't do things just a little bit differently. The research found that the term differently could be used to describe a restaurant that pairs exorbitantly expensive wine with food against your will or worse yet a complete lack of menus leaving the manager completely in charge of your experience unless of course you have allergies. Kate Tweedy, one of our loyal readers from town, text our editor Clancy after we published that story saying that she's learnt that nowhere in Melbourne is safe after she was told by a fish and chip shop that they too like to do things a little bit differently. Truly is Australia's most cultured city.
Without doubt, Bruce. Anyway, that's it for the News Bulletin this week. Thanks for listening. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast in order to get your weekly fix of real, unfiltered and unwavering regional news. Until next week, I'm Bruce Hitchcock. And I'm Wendell Hussey. |
cracked | the_batman_review_aka_the_world_s_most_okay_detective | for a little while no cursing although now jesse's the wrong freaking size jesse loves to go boop boop but he gets big again but then he goes small that goes big that's one thing that we all know that jesse just freaking loves to do jesse just loves to do that all right i was voted most likely to go boop boop boop oh it's unlisted all right well let me fix that i thought i made it public and now it's public don who's recapping no one's recapping we don't recap okay good all right you either saw the movie or you didn't idiot i didn't watch it yet i thought i'd have time this morning i thought i was gonna watch it during the stream great so that's it we're live welcome to crack movie club it's like uh uh you know a book club but for movies which are like books but better i'm your hospitable host with a heart of a blank because i forgot to do something shoot i guess i was working on something else you forgot anything else to start with the letter h well i don't know i was like maybe i'll look at hostel yeah uh a heart of hostel yeah with a hostile heart yeah uh jordan breeding i'm joined by my co-host jesse and alie say hello hello so which one is jesse which one is alie you'll never know it'll take the world's greatest detective to find out um so we had been doing recaps for this but i don't think we need to recap this movie i'll go no it's fine so here's what we're gonna do instead um i'm gonna explain why we're doing it but if anybody who's watching which uh is so far 50 people if any of you watching have a an observation or a question or an alternate movie title for this film please share it and uh brian slack is in the in the chat and he'll he'll say something or or they'll say something and uh at the end we'll address questions and concerns and alternate titles and stuff like that so in the meantime why are we doing this movie well because it's popular kids and we're trying to appeal to the children also i don't know i like batman batman's cool there were a lot of children and then by children i mean children in my showing oh um and they were either having the best time of their life or not because they weren't really watching the movie they were just running up and down the aisles sort of like with their arms out like batman so either they were having an amazing time or uh a terrible time and i can't really tell i feel like you watched it like story time at a library yeah i went to a 9 a.m showing uh for the the pediatric showing of no i didn't i went to like a totally normal like seven o'clock showing on a tuesday um my theater was packed and um i sat next to a man who i can only i i think i'm gonna have to call him the riddler because he loved the clues in the movie and was really interested in solving them out loud loudly for everyone wow um about two seconds before it was said by the protagonist in the movie so not really ahead of the plot in any way shape or form but just sort of clues kind of situation it what that is exactly what it was like it was so annoying because it was like if this guy had been like spoiling it but really right you'd at least be like okay game recognize game like shut the fuck up but thanks for being right oh sorry oh god we're demonetized are we are we should i make it did i make it under the water i think we made it i think we made 30 seconds oh um so yeah instead of being like that guy is gonna do that and him getting that 20 minutes ahead being like oh okay you got it literally as batman was opening his mouth to say something he'd be like that kid's wearing the same glasses as the riddler that's the riddler as the kid and we were like i know i'm also yeah movie right well here's a here's to turn this into a critique of the movie these were not tough riddles they weren't really particularly clever and they weren't fun like he was like the jim carrey he was a much better um uh creative like he was better with his hands than he was at making riddles like he was a very like he was a very crafty sword like he he could make his own uh uniform he he could clearly cut paper and cut out fonts to make his cute little greeting cards right yeah yeah it seems to me like he puts so much effort into the like prop making that when it came time to the riddle he was like oh right um uh yeah um okay there um okay if you're a little if you're a little rat don't come near me batman nice card it's like me when i come up with titles for this podcast and compared to when i'm supposed to recap it yeah exactly um exactly i okay i'm gonna make a couple of quick logical leaps just so i can tell a totally arbitrary story that relates to you sitting next to the riddler you ready all right uh birthday cards her the movie with Joaquin Phoenix who's a card guy Joaquin Phoenix was the joker i probably actually added an extra step i could just jump straight to the joker i was watching the joker in theaters uh two years ago or whatever and remember all the people that were afraid that somebody was going to come in your theater and shoot you because the joker was crazy because it happened in well it also it happened dark night rises yeah um yeah it's funny because i remember sitting there the whole time looking around trying to see what sketchy white dudes were coming into the theater that might want to shoot me and then i realized halfway through the movie i'm a sketchy white dude with my hood up taking notes because i was doing it four cracked or i was doing it for another website and i was and then it i relaxed i was like well if anybody's gonna shoot everyone in the sea there it's gonna be me and i'm not worried about it yeah the person sitting next to you was like like hands like gripping their thighs like i will hit him i will hit him if it comes down to us you can hit this man um if anybody wants to know the the experience of being a white man in america jordan just really summed it up like oh if there's going to be violence it's going to be in my hands so before you're looking around trying to assess the violence being like oh i guess uh i guess it's me um i almost did have did some violence against the man sitting next to me solving all the clues in the movie two seconds before anybody said anything so well that's that was literally that's the first thing that i wanted to get to which is ultimately i did really enjoy the movie just in a general sense but i do feel like the best thing that it what could have been the best thing about it right is this mystery thing like the he's the world's greatest detective we should write a really great freaking mystery instead of normally it's like the world's greatest detective here's your mystery that guy with the clown paint that's shooting people uh uh stop him and it's like yeah that's why they called me the world's greatest detective um at least you did some detective totally because because i feel like i can't remember the last batman movie i saw where he like straight up went back to a lab to put clues together do you know what i mean like i don't feel like that's like a current thing um i really like this movie and i know that when we were recording last when we were recording for howard the duck i was like oh man you guys i'm probably gonna hate this then i'm gonna be like the wet blanket like it's just like not really my thing and like i'm gonna go onto this live stream everyone's gonna be like boo but i really like liked it a lot i had like a great time that's a fun movie i had a really good time i like i liked that it was i i've seen a criticism that a correct criticism that it is long yeah it is long it is very long and for a person that has to pee a lot that was a stressful thing for me um but it was long and so somebody i've seen like a current thing like on twitter and stuff of people being like why have the penguin penguin and the riddler combined them into one character and i was like wait the piddler um i just i just like greatly disagree with that because like i thought the thing that was so fun about the movie was like having this large cast of characters and that like you're sort of like oh the riddler's gonna be a really bad not the riddler the penguin's gonna be a really serious bad guy but he's kind of like a patsy and then like i don't know like i that to me was very uh i liked it i was interested in it and it felt sort of like the antithesis of the recent uh spider-man movie which was sort of like an improv scene where it's like you got your who you got your what you got your where i'm the bad guy i've got electric powers and i don't like spider-man because he didn't come to my birthday it's like you know what i mean like first line you know who everybody is right and this movie was like lots of characters and you think it's this guy but actually this guy did it and then oh no it's all been pulling the strings of this guy and the penguin isn't even all that powerful or important and at all like you thought he was going to be some sort of mastermind but he's kind of like a i don't know and he's any sort of has a little bit of a dunce yeah and he has that jack ruby moment at the end when he kills uh the guy before they can get his information i don't know i was like oh cool i'm meeting people yeah yeah the the the villains were all pretty grounded which is new i i think maybe i sound like an idiot but seems to me new for a batman they were definitely each one of them was like a weird little creepy guy but they weren't like real super in any way they were they stuck out in in gotham as weirdos a lot of different brands of creepy guy so this movie like really dares to ask the question how many creepy guys are out there and it posits that there are many types yeah i do think i mean i do think the christopher no one batmans they were they were still like seem somewhat plausible they were magic ninjas but like how magic or they were clowns that were deranged or big men and masks but yes you're right even still these are all much more grounded and actually i do think so to get back to my point which is that i wish that the mystery was a little bit better or the detective thing um have either of you for any reason read the long halloween the batman comic no i i haven't read can you imagine if i'd said yes i was like oh that's the one sorry i haven't read any other things i don't know a lot about that that one i have well that's the thing i've only read like 10 comic books in general but that's one of the ones that i read and i read it relatively recently and this whole time i'm wrestling jesse's stupid screen i don't know why you keep getting big i don't know why you keep oh you're the one that has to deal with it yeah it's just and so then i have to grab it and shift it sorry people i love it i think it makes for good audio content yeah so um this was sort of loosely based like they used that as a jumping point uh matt reeves did matt reeves that's his name right yeah okay now i'm suddenly doubting myself and i will say that the detective mystery thing and that the the reveal is way cooler which is to say the whole thing in that one is um somebody is killing a bunch of mobsters and nobody knows why and they call him the holiday killer because it goes through all the holidays they kill people on valentine's day and st patrick's day and stuff and it turns out that it's actually uh spoilers for anybody that's going to read this like 40 year old batman comic um it's harvey dense wife is killing everybody and harvey den harvey dentist two-face correct but he's originally commissioner gordon i'm sorry he's not commissioner gordon he's the district attorney um if you remember in the dark night he's played by erin eckerd he's like the the white night compared to batman's dark night and so the interesting thing is it turns out that his wife has been killing everybody because she wanted him to be home more and he keeps being like i gotta go out and i gotta go stop crime and she's like well here's then i'm gonna help i'm gonna murder everyone in this city but of course in doing so he becomes two-face and he becomes evil and all the stuff and i just think the whole thing is batman trying to be like it did harvey dent is he killing people is commissioner gordon killing people because that's part of the thing that's interesting and jesse's head just got six times larger um yes it's i gotta get on youtube i want to see this for myself i think the thing that's so interesting about that is bad guys are being killed and there's the ethical dilemma of batman being like do i even want to stop this person and then sort of being like i guess if it's somebody it's probably commissioner gordon like it's a good person right it's just another extension of me except they killed like the punisher in daredevil or something whereas in this one it's like oh the bad guy is the bad guy it's it's falcone the bad guy is also a bad guy it wasn't like oh my god that creepy guy's bad but it was more like which creepy guy i know and like who's pulling the strings and like i liked the little the little subplot within the plot of the one guy who was i don't even remember his job anymore that's kind of a both a plus and a downfall the movie is i was like so realistic that now i'm like i don't know what job he had the guy who he put into like the bomb and he like crashed into the funeral oh yeah he was the d he was the ds some kind of big cop he was some sort of he had something going on i don't remember his job anymore i feel like he was important enough and like got the directory of whatever uh but like i liked that there was like a moment in there where it was like tell me who like who's ratting out all these people tell me who you're like working for or you or you're gonna die and he's like i'm dead either way like right this goes so deep and this is so dangerous so like and i'm already on the precipice like i'm either gonna die because i blow up my head right now or i'll get killed in my sleep like three days from now and i was like oh interesting i don't know just like i felt like it's been a while since i've seen a superhero movie where the stakes have been uh sort of the danger is equal between the supervillains and just like people like i can't remember the last time i've seen something where it's like i am just as scared of this man who abducted me in my car and is like a supervillain as i am of the guy i work for who has an equal amount of resources to kill me this guy's whoa that's the kind of thing that you only get on the live stream baby that's really yeah we would have edited that out we would have been like making a bunch of jokes and jordan would have been like shut up we're gonna edit that out and you would have missed five minutes of jokes about the like but now you get it but now you see it uh but yeah so i just like i i i think another movie that did that really well was uh blank man you're so right or of course you're afraid of uh of the villain but you're also afraid of just growing up in uh uh cleveland or whatever yeah do you remember what was the what was the uh offensive thing that the grandma said to the mob boss that made him have to kill her when she was like you got a little tiny little peepee in your pants or yeah like somebody said that to like falcone or whatever here and that he was like and now i have to kill her right that's what's been driving the riddler for years yeah yeah exactly yeah i will say don't have a tiny peen speaking of tiny peens no speaking of the riddler i do think the best for me thematically the best part of the movie was the riddler just assuming that he and batman were on the same side because i loved that because i will say loved that yeah i i tweeted about this when like the first trailer came out which is like oh great a movie dealing with the theme of vengeance will they think it's good or will they think maybe it's not all it's cracked up to be because every movie that comes out now is like leon nissan is 300 years old and he's like i'm gonna murder well maybe that's not a good example of it but it's a lot of like oh i'm a superhero and i'm gonna i'm gonna beat up a bunch of people for some reason and then i realize oh maybe that wasn't enough like that's not enough for me but the fact that i love that uh it's it's a twist on the scene where inevitably the villain always looks at the hero and is like you and i are the same because of whatever and the riddler doesn't do that at all he's like yeah you know how we're the same and he's like wait no i don't think that he's like yeah you don't think that as opposed to joker the riddler was like we've been dating and he's like whoa i didn't think we were dating and he's like we've been exclusive for like six months back man i love that that was really i just think that's such a better way to take it than riddler being like no no no let me convince you we're totally the same rather than being like what do you mean we're not the same you've been massacring everybody just like you literally did what i asked you to do i said i said kill that guy and you went and killed him and he's like well not in that way and he's like well kinda in that way like you kind of did exactly what i asked you to yeah you you got all my letters did you not yeah we have been dating i don't know what you're doing yeah um i uh tough tough tough month to be a guy with clear frame plastic glasses sound off in the comments if your life has gotten harder if you're a clear guy wearing clear flake clear clear frame plastic glasses and and have duct taped i will get through this i'm very sorry for you um it's a tough month to be one of those guys of which there are many in new york i could name you i could name you a hundred guys with names i can name names i can name a lot of names um sorry if uh your life has gotten harder because of the movie um i uh i guess i didn't watch any trailers for this or if i did they went in one year and out the other because i didn't know any of the actors in the movie besides i guess like zoe kravitz and uh rubber patinson but i was like oh jeffrey right oh andy circus i was just like surprised and delighted by everybody who popped up yeah yeah andy circus really caught me by surprise really didn't know he was in the movie did was he in the trailers i didn't yeah he was did they cgi them out though right that's why i didn't know he was in the movie he was like a dragon and then they were like oh oh it's actually andy circus oh actually yeah he also played every bat in the movie that just sort of i believe it flew in the background and all the cats if somebody told me that was true i'd be like well he is the best in the biz like i believe it you know there weren't a lot of bats in this i don't i don't remember seeing because they didn't really do his backstory they just sort of alluded to it bats in his house i don't remember but i will say that i i think that points to a really important thing oh no you guys have lagged out okay but he's frozen for a minute oh there we go we're all back back i see everybody okay that's great what i was gonna say riddler yeah well what i was gonna say about the bats in the house i think this movie is really interesting as we already mentioned it how gritty and like realistic it is except he still has ears and a cape it's just goofy i know it has to be a bat man movie but that's weird the riddler is like a dude in a trench coat wearing saran wrap and duct tape as opposed to the jim carrey version with with all the question mark suits and all this stuff and everybody is really pretty normal even the penguin is just like a guy in a suit with a goofy face except yeah the freaking batman was walking around with ears and a cape and because they don't do his backstory it's just like he just thought it was cool he just liked it yeah yeah nobody calls him batman in the movie which is a good detail because like he hasn't like he doesn't like you know what i mean they're like this freak like none of the cops are like uh oh it's batman yeah they're like oh yeah there's that guy he's just another weirdo well that was the thing that at first threw me about the villains in particular where they're like this guy they call him the penguin but you don't have to call him that you can just call him yeah like they were just sort of like secondary nicknames right well it's like coming home from summer camp with a new nickname and you're like all the kids at camp called me the penguin and they're like okay well to me you're still ryan so what's up ryan like yeah yeah i'm not calling you the penguin just because camp friends called you penguin like no fucking way yeah yeah i mean the riddler's good because i like how they turn that into essentially a serial he's like the zodiac killer or whatever it makes sense for him to get a goofy name and i think that's a really good way to take the character is you know i mean it's better than even the joker even the joker you're a little bit like i mean would you is that the first clown you would think of or like clown adjacent i mean i guess if you had calling cards he literally hands cards at everyone it would be really funny though if they started calling him like the greeting card the hallmark killer the hallmark and he was like and he was like no no the important part is the riddles and they're like what is it hold on it hold on a second look at this he hand crafted this hallmark level card he like that this is laser cut by a professional printer the hallmark killer the craftsman the antsy killer it's the riddles and they're like no no on the inside it says answer me my riddles three come on out back man i'll teach you dinner it's an invitation the inviter right the invite isn't it like most serial killers like the cops name them the cops and or the press like they don't usually name themselves except in the world of batman i think it was like maybe btk kept trying to like make different nicknames work and they were just maybe he was like one of the few that actually like named himself that i think that was it he's like on the bind torture kill killer fine we don't have anything shorter we'll use it yeah all right um i does he say that he is the riddler at some point i don't know that's what i'm wondering i guess is how i don't think this world i think he actually acquired the nickname i think they just like he's the riddle boy he does the riddles um little riddle boy yeah but yeah they they i think they went out of their way to make sure that the bat that batman never introduced himself as batman so if people refer to him as such it was because someone was like oh it's that guy who's a bat it's the batman as opposed to because like every time they were like who are you he always specifically said i am vengeance so that we could have that fun little twist at the end of the movie um yeah which was good i um again really really liked the movie um was surprised by how many of the riddler's followers were uh really good at organizing and also physical activity it didn't necessarily seem like uh three circles that meet with the venn diagram in the middle do you know what i mean it's like extremists great at organizing can climb scaffolding yeah it's like it's like people that actually own a lot of tactical gear that are not in the military usually aren't like the most nimble you know they they seemed really able to execute a lot of um everything from from the plan to the climbing i don't know i didn't think that part was that wacky i think there are a lot of crazy dudes with guns who are willing to climb up into scaffolding i mean paul dano or able yeah exactly i mean how many people on january sixth god rested soul i don't know how to kind of suffix that but uh how many people just fell off of walls because they were weighed down by their like bulletproof vests that they had never worn outside before yeah but those weren't the guys in the uh in the the stream with paul dano teaching them how to do everything i mean they had like their own private little thread i think that's the thing i mean they had a little group chat that's yeah they had a separate discord channel that's that's the movie elevation the group chat name and they're like stop we're the ridgler's boys and he's like jk renaming us to and there's like stop like the hallmark we already died on river's boys yeah sneaky question kids yeah yeah i stopped group chat i i mean i didn't have a huge i will say that the the general thing that i think is interesting oh i will say too just because the joker clearly already has gangs like that that's one of the the gangs that he fights at the beginning where he just like beats that dude into an ever-loving pulp for like no that's a joker that's a joker game i do think so yeah so i think oh i thought it was like uh people joining a black metal band it sort of had like skull makeup to me am i wrong oh you're you're right yeah because because then there's that one kid this is i'm sure gonna be different from what you're saying jordan um but i'm gonna go there anyway there's the one kid that he lets go that i thought oh this is like an origin story for robin like that kid's gonna because that one kid only had half of this yeah yeah right and so he's like half evil half good which one's he gonna choose uh but maybe that's a sequel well oh i see i think people think that that kid he rescued uh who's the mayor's kid is poised to be a robin someday oh okay good um okay good oh okay good oh thank god no that's what i was thinking that's what i figured i thought it was an original observation i think it was like the idea that the other kid who like is like batman you made me realize not to be bad i'm robin now somebody's arguing with me now that it's not a joker gang but i'm pretty positive they look a hell of a lot like the joker gang in uh what do they think it is dark knight returns i don't know we'll get to that at the end i'm gonna get sucked into a uh a fight yeah which fight jordan which i often do it doesn't matter because there already is the joker at the end of the movie spoiler alert um i think it's just showing that basically gotham is predisposed to being radicalized i think and i i mean so like clearly that kid the reason it was half right is because he never murdered anyone right i think that's the assumption that's i i think it was like a like the the rest of the initiation yeah like here's stance yeah yeah join the gang for real this time make make a really good greeting card no because he's a joker he's like you got to shoot this guy make a really good joke we'll give you five setups and you have to come up with five different punch lines and if it's really good you can be a joker boy well that's what what's the adams what's the adams sandler movie where he's he's he's rich but he just uh likes to make hallmark cards like freelance hallmark cards um chat get my back what yeah adams sandler makes cards and he's red yeah he may yeah uh shoot it's the one where he's a super nice guy and he inherits a lot of money mr deeds mr deeds yeah yeah that's his thing is he likes to write his own greeting cards and and read them at open mics i guess but anyway that's uh they're in the same universe and so adams sandler is the riddler should be the riddler um wow okay adams sandler is the riddler well that was a fun deviation um i'm gonna bring it to what i was gonna say which is uh when we're talking about the the skill level of the soldiers who mostly just shoot for the chest which is good for them or it's good for batman anyway um because he never dies i think i mentioned this to you all but maybe i didn't uh are you pointing to the chat or are you pointing to somebody outside i'm pointing to the chat i don't even have the chat i'm not looking at the chat except when they say things about me that are mean yeah somebody paid $20 then somebody paid $20 to call you hot jordan what did you catch that it is my mom no i uh i'm just kidding my mom wouldn't pay $20 she'd say $20 to i don't know i don't want to say this you might watch it i don't want to make a joke i love you mom um what i was gonna say though is i i do feel like i've just been ruined i think what i have in my notes is that i'm so tired of the western action adventure style fighting so we've watched the raid two now um in an earlier podcast and that's all i want from every movie i want those car chases i want those fight scenes and so even at the end where batman is like sort of swinging around and like kicking dudes and stuff i don't know why i just like don't i don't care anymore i i just i'm not interested in like a lumbering tank dude punching i just i don't know why batman a long knife i i was there was a moment in the movie where i was like batman needs to be able to do better in this fight than a fight from old boy yeah do you know what i mean like i did actually have that thought as well where it was sort of like he has to make his way down the the the hallway and he has to fight all these guys he like kind of really gets his ass handed to him and i think they're trying to do it to just be like hey just remember he is just a guy yeah like he is not actually super he did not come from another planet he is just like a dude but there was a moment where i was like i kind of wish he was doing a little better because like an old man locked in a room looking for revenge for 17 years or whatever is it did fight better than you batman well but even more than but he is invincible at other points he gets literally machine gunned by like three dudes for a good 30 seconds but he's bulletproof in that hallway with the like flashing lights and stuff and is unaffected because they just never bothered to aim up at his face and it is a cool scene visually but you can also see that exact same thing happening where he like dodged or something as opposed to i don't know i i didn't hate it i just i just want them to i want him to be flying around i just instead of like lumbering up and being like you know i can't die and they're like i don't know why i can't shoot through your chest it's like well his whole face is exposed i know i'm not the first person to make that joke or make that observation i just want every movie to be the raid too and i need that to be established on every podcast uh every episode jordan if you if you have if you have 90 minutes you should watch uh bruce willis's deadlock because there's a lot of good a lot of the henchmen have like the dialogue that like every batman like villains henchmen should have they literally say things like i'm gonna fucking kill you and then yeah the gun and stuff and still miss inexplicably i think i gave you guys all the fun ones uh just yeah just in one of the one of the bruce willis movies that i watched i made jesse watch a clip from it because his line delivery is identical to the line delivery of the actor who plays detective crashmore in the sketch from i think you should leave like literally bruce willis is being like come at me or don't whatever you want i'm gonna sit here and i was like that's the detector for crashmore yeah and so um there also was crashmore to finally try and bring this back to batman um there was actually of the things that i like about this batman versus previous iterations of batman which by the way i said the last time we were recording on our howard the duck episode that like the batman i like is the one from 1989 that has the prince soundtrack so like i didn't expect to like this movie because i like when movies are kind of stupider um but i did like this one and part of it was that like i think i just kind of believe who this person is as batman like the man behind the batman more i like never ever understood 30 to 40 year old batman who's a socialite and like a ladies man and like a well-known member of gotham i like didn't understand i didn't understand those three things i get as a playboy hottie i understand i just like i didn't understand how we like how he could be such a well-known guy and invite so many people into his personal life even briefly but then also be like i could die at night i'm gonna go out there and die or i don't just it's because his parents died that's why i'm saying as a child of dead parents like i'm often sad but i'm very rarely like flipping around like i do what i mean like it's alie's not vengeance alie is what are you i don't know doing three beats in an improv scene um i i guess like i under i understand or i can comprehend better a maladjusted 27 year old who has not made any serious relationships in his life post the trauma of losing his parents at a young age being like detector kraten this is why i was gonna bring it back to check out crashmore being like i don't care if i die everything is suck lately like that was just that man was i don't care if i die everything has sucked lately and so i believe that that guy would put on a crazy suit and go out and fight gangs because like what the fuck else is he doing with his life he like hasn't made connections he doesn't want to make connections and then there's like a moment of realization where he's like oh wait a minute i don't care if i die but i do really care if alfred dies and that kind of like changes his world view yeah i believe it i believe it a lot more than this 40 year old being like you know some lady being like oh brucey you had to leave the net gala early that was so sad also unrelatedly there was a jewel heist but luckily this man stopped it i was like yeah yeah because you're back like yeah i don't know yeah no you're right that's i think that also goes back to how how just like grounded everything was i think that's something that this movie did really really well you're like oh yeah okay yeah i could see doing that yeah um i could see if i came up with like one really good riddle i could base my entire personality around it yeah absolutely um all right cool i i got another thought you ready let's let's talking about things that i like that are not quite what i've wanted uh in life um so i love noir film noir this this movie is obviously very much influenced by film noir in the sense that everything is wet as hell it's just a wet it's a wet ass movie this it rains every night and like i know people are like gotham's chicago gotham's new york gotham is clearly like seattle and or fort waternail there's there's no other option it simply can't be anything else based on the amount of precipitation against yeah yeah it's real wet it's real dark um and the the other thing that they bring over from like hard-boiled detective movies and stuff like this is the voiceover thing which i did like at the beginning i thought it was cool him trying to although i'm just going to say really quickly why would the bat signal be a why would that strike fear in your heart because all that means is that the cops want to go talk to him somewhere right he could he could still be out there beating the hell out of somebody someone that will know this in the chat and i have forgotten it there is a there was a theory of a prison that this guy this philosopher wanted to build and they wouldn't do it because he was expensive and he got really mad but the the premise of it is that the prison is a circle and in the center are where the guards are watching and you can't see into it so by virtue of the construction you could be being watched anytime and it was this man's theory that the implication or the threat of being watched knowing that by looking at it you could be seen you would behave better simply by knowing that you're you are under the threat of constant surveillance yeah yeah if you know that you could be watched you just assumed that you always are being watched i think it was called like the panop panopticon panopticon someone sounds like someone's gonna say it in the chat and i'm going to be embarrassed somebody's gonna know uh but yeah i feel like that's like essentially what they're trying to say is like if the things in the sky you will behave better on merely under the threat that he could be out i totally yes i totally get that but i still think that the the word of batman just existing and beating the shit out of things would be enough on its own i just think maybe they don't know what it's for i guess that's fair like i guess criminals don't know that it's just commissioner gordon feeling lonely i guess yeah i guess he's not even commissioner gordon he's just like lieutenant or like captain that's mr gordon to you yeah exactly that's that's what people call me um mr gordon uh yeah i assume that commissioner gordon just like is bored a lot yeah well he's just like i think he can't solve any crimes without him he is kind of an idiot i think so i'm just gonna plug our bat the batman for 20 that we just released a couple days ago one of the things that we keep making fun of is uh gordon will like bring his phone to batman and be like i forgot my password do you know it uh because he does do a lot of like i don't understand this riddle and batman's like here it is he's like oh that's true dang we'll get you hob gordon gordon's like damn this youtube video is unlisted yeah and batman's like you called me here for this yeah you called me here for an unlisted youtube video he's like there's a severed thumb on this thumb drive what do you think i do with it he's like you that you use that to like get into it he's like oh my god i didn't even or like that for the fingerprint you're the world's greatest i don't think you're right that like he is kind of stupid but there's jeffrey wright has this like this like amazing ability with the quality of his voice that everything sounds very important like that's just one of his many skills is that like he can make literally anything sound full of gravitas and so i don't think i realized how dumb he was because i was like batman saying important things and now you're like yeah he couldn't figure out the thumb drive thing and i'm like yeah that is pretty stupid huh yeah i don't know jeffrey wright that's your that's his superpower and he's good at that i mean i didn't i didn't there's nothing wrong with his portrayal necessarily i just thought it was kind of good he mostly doesn't do anything other than kind of like call batman to the scene and they're like get him the hell out of here gordon he's like gosh my bad uh or just like he's everybody thinks he's an idiot he's like why don't you like punch me in the penis so you can escape and he's like why would i have to do that i'm just gonna run out the door and then he was like yeah and then he was like why'd you punch me in the penis so hard right make sure you fully break my erect penis it's just i mean this it was fine it's just kind of like a goofy sort of a comic relief type guy but it's it's hard to believe that at least commissioner gordon theoretically had a bunch of insight or or access to a lot of resources and stuff back in the day but why does he need him at all for anything like the batman i mean robert patterson is like a billionaire or whatever so why doesn't he just i don't know hire a p.i or something i just think it's goofy that he's working with it i mean i guess maybe it's fun for him he's young he just started he'll get better yeah and people like they he seemed to not be like particularly well respected right within the i don't know hierarchy the social hierarchy of the police station or i don't know um well right because he was like the one cop that was like not corrupt right that was not literally in on this big but he was also the only cop that didn't know what was happening that's what i think is funny is it's just like yeah it's funny they're like wow he's so pure he's not corrupt he's like no he's freaking he's the only moron who'd never noticed there was a shadow boss somewhere you would tell me right yeah hey you guys aren't like working for somebody else on the side right because like you're not like leaving me out right like no one's like going to a cool club at night and like not inviting me to the cool club and they're like no no we're totally not going to a cool sex club at night where we do drugs go home to your family and he's like okay you tell me though yeah definitely there's also that one cop that i liked i actually really liked the performance of the actor in this like tertiary role of the cop who he's like stationed at the riddler's apartment when batman comes back and he's like don't tear up the carpet he was also kind of like an idiot but like kind of sweet and like i think we're supposed to believe not corrupt right i think the point of this movie is you have to be an idiot not to be corrupt in this town well that's what i was gonna say it's like yeah all the good cops are also just fringe useless nice guys they're like uh you have to guard the empty building at night uh kind of cops where it's yeah like that guy he's like yeah my uncle he does carpets uh i'm just here yeah also when the guy was sitting next to when he held it up he went that's the murder weapon there was still blood on it yeah i i will say uh in in his defense uh people pointed this out i watched all the nightmare on elm street movies and uh a guy had like a gardening hoe and i thought it was a hook hand so you know sometimes it's it's just hard to know what you need you need to sit next to this guy when you go see all your movies this will tell you everything that's on the screen whether you like it or not i've seen that oh yeah your guy your riddler the real life riddler yeah my real life riddler he was like that's the murder weapon it's like i know it's in a thing that's marked evidence and there's still blood on it you haven't you ever seen those empire carpet commercials i've seen this before um actually that's funny that you say that only because so there was a time when i was writing for ranker a lot but don't go there go to crack.com and um i was watching endgame and just i was supposed to do all the easter eggs and the guy that i was supposed to go with bailed on me so i was sitting next to somebody else who was truly the most helpful encyclopedic knowledge of stupid marvel shit and he would lean over and be like that's a kid from iron man 3 his name is jeff he's the best and i was like you are thank you you are jeff he is the best yeah do you want to split this $80 i'm about to make or whatever minus the ticket um anyway so the paw print is on mrs pep um but back to um sorry the point that i was gonna make like 20 minutes ago and then immediately i did not like the voiceover at the end where he's like and just by the way here are all the things i've learned about being a nice guy and helping people out i just want to i just want to say vengeance is bad helping people is good some politicians are fine you know clean up your seat when you leave the theater yeah truth is subjective you know more or less as long as it's true to you and it is i just i was like all those things were established in the movie you didn't have to say it i could just see you doing then you also was like if you didn't finish your popcorn don't leave it at your seat right it's more polite to take it to the lobby and dispose of it right sure somebody gets paid to clean it but their job's already hard enough yeah i did appreciate that part i will say too i love the idea that he is still dressed as batman like shoveling shit in the outhouse or whatever like he is covered in mud still in like full body armor bulletproof stuff like helping people get onto the helicopter or whatever at that point why couldn't he just come down as bruce wayne and be like hey sorry i've been absent i want to be more involved but no he's like uh and also i'm still bulletproof in case anybody shoots at us it's just funny for batman in the middle of the day to be like shoveling mud and you're like yeah i feel like he should lose the cake he wants to be involved as bruce wayne i thought that's like i think that sort of at the end you think he learned that he can use his billions of dollars not to live in the house from interview with a vampire yeah and to instead do something for god yeah because the whole thing was he he realized the reason the riddler came into being is because his dad's charity was neglected and nobody was overseen it so they used it as a front and eventually he realized oh that's actually my fault sort of i inherited that charity and i never even bothered to look into it me who is the world's greatest uh detective slash you know my chemical romance fan and yeah anyway i don't know i just yeah i i think that part of his his his thing his redemption is like oh i'm gonna care about works programs and stuff but he but he does it as a dude dressed as a crazy bat in the middle of the day still which is sort of like hey i'm here to help you and it's like uh i'm gonna wait for the doctor it's like yeah no no i'm gonna help you i gotta grab like no no no no somebody i would like somebody who went to medical school to staunch this wound please not batman batman's i love staunch the wound yeah my family paid for a medical school yeah yeah exactly how did it go badly i haven't been overseeing it um dr harley quinn works there not good um i liked uh the penguin like i think i understand that there's a larger conversation here i'm just like why don't we have more interesting looking character actors in hollywood so fair fair feedback um i do think that colin ferrell was having a great time which i can be sort of rare for people who are like overloaded with prosthetics uh we talked about it when we talked about the um we were watching star wars and we were talking about how like visibly unhappy everybody looked in all the group scenes because they were just like sitting there under 40 pounds of prosthetics just like frowning and squinting and like yeah i could tell that he was having fun inhabiting the character and like just like loving loving doing it and that like the costume and makeup sort of like worked with him yeah so i really like i liked his performance i liked the character i just thought he was fun i think yeah i like when an actor is having fun because i have fun watching them have fun i i agree with you on all those things i just think it's so funny that they felt like they needed him to play that role in that way that is like fully a very fair feedback and also like like where are the the actors out there who like could more easily portray such a strange unusual man do you know what i mean like because they are out there yeah not everybody looks like colin ferrell all the time like there are good actors out there who are unusual types character actors and like where did they go we are few and far between us who look like colin ferrell um i know it's really a burden people stop me on the street every day and they're like great working batman i was like i'm not i'm not colin ferrell but thank you i will let him know you said that it's crazy everyone's always thinking that but you know he's having fun speaking i i stopped okay you good no i was gonna no mine no you every every every few weeks i i just ask ally to make sure she's not actually andy circus oh yeah if you're andy circus you have to tell me sometimes i'm afraid that i'm andy circus wearing a bunch of ping pong balls yeah i'm like look at it wasn't real the entire time wake up and cold sweat checking yourself for ping pong balls um what i was gonna say about uh casting a bunch of irish character actors as american character villains so the joker um pops up at the end spoilers for you idiots i don't know why you'd be watching this if you hadn't seen it um or worried about those things i think i you know obviously they were going to bring the joker in at some point it's inevitable i think he should have kept his irish accent because you know i can't i'm not going to pronounce his last name right because irish phonetically Gaelic phonetically makes no sense but uh barry kugan or barry kian or barry whatever um the guy who was druig or whatever in the eternals i think an irish joker would be finally a new interesting take on that character be like why is this dude freaking irish like that's nuts like he immigrated here and is just killing people indiscriminately and is dressed like a clown truly i it sounds like a joke i honestly think that would be the most interesting because like we're gonna have to do this every three years for the rest of our life that they're gonna be like there's a serial killer out there and they were calling him the irish man and he's like no i'm the joker what do i do i tell jokes okay that's fair i guess but i just think it'd be really interesting to have uh an unhinged irish clown as opposed to the what i mean how many jokers have we had in the last three years or in the last the hundred last 15 years i don't know i just a lot of just a bunch of skinny scary white dudes it just would be really interesting which i realize this would still be but this one has too many white jokers let's get an irish man in there uh yep i was gonna say a joke from kings of summer and if you know that movie just insert it right here about what the irish are uh but if not go watch that movie because the kings of summer is truly a delightful film but the joke is a little racist so i'm not gonna say it but um yeah so Colin Farrell's having fun and i like that and i felt like a lot of the tertiary characters were having fun like the guy who was the da who got blown up and like yeah there's there's just like a lot of actors just having a good time like you know Zoe Kravitz's many things i don't think she was having a blast do you know what i mean yeah uh to her defense she was probably starving uh they probably fed her green juice for you know three and a half months so you can't expect anybody to be having fun it's like the last couple days on survivor everybody's just mad um so you know fair game like i you you have to withhold too much criticism for somebody who's not um being allowed to uh have fun or eat anything well she drank milk on screen right i think she was fine you know something so fucked up about watching any person just drink a glass of milk what is it why is that the scariest part of the whole movie yeah she was coached by Jim Harbaugh for months and had a sip had a sip milk oh that's right doesn't he he he famously orders like steak and a big tall glass of milk does he Jim yeah that's a fun little football joke for you and i only know his name because he coached in the nfl oh wait which one is which one is actively in the nfl is that Jim or John i i forget one i think it's Jim Harbaugh is now at Michigan uh but anyway uh no i thought that was like a weird they didn't necessarily have to do that or if they were gonna like be like remember she's like a cat in different ways like then make her really like milk not just sip it once that was weird make her wait your feedback is make her really like milk yeah if you're gonna like that's why she's called catwoman because she really likes milk well why else would she i don't need you to defend this why what makes her catwoman in this movie she has a cat has got long nails uh and she likes milk a little bit i don't know they could have gone harder i liked in the in what was the what was the cat movie one where she like cat movie one my god the cat movie the cat woman who was like eaten by cats for a little bit because they thought she was dead oh i think it's michelle yeah batman returns right yeah so that was cool because that felt like an actual transformation in some way and it's like she like lives like with a bunch of cats and stuff and yeah no all of the women in the like 80s 90s batman movies were truly iconic in their own ways like i think they made a lot i think they were a lot of people sexual awakenings whether or not they like want to admit it but like yeah the penguin the penguin whoa love it um no but just like everybody in those movies was weird and cartoony but also like really sexy and like i think when you're like let's say 11 something can't be too too sexy because if it's too real you're still scared of it because you like don't totally understand your feelings of the world yet but when uma thorman is poison ivy and she's like a nerdy little lab assistant and then like she gets pushed into poison and then when she comes out she's hot you're like okay do you know what i mean that could happen to me one day yeah no i could get pushed into poison like hypersexual yeah yeah i also speaking of that movie i also was confused uh as i became an adult at what point you are supposed to start using like lip condoms right oh yeah like his poison ivy and he's like it's because she's got the poison lips because right because that's sexy well i know that now but i thought that that was a part of six um it can be if you're doing it i will say about this cat woman which again like the movie no like crazy like knee jerk like hated this part of it it was kind of weird to me that they went out of their way to establish that she was in a relationship and that the person who was her partner was brutally murdered and she's mad but not fucked up whereas bruce his parents were murdered i don't know 11 years ago and he's like i'm super fucked up and she's like pretty okay do you know what i mean like she's like i'm really angry at those guys i'm gonna make sure those guys pay but there's no there's no like any do you know i mean they don't even talk about whether it's like yeah it's pretty fucked up when somebody you love is murdered yeah totally that happened to me too she's just sort of like righteously mad i feel like she had kind of a tough life compared to bruce who was like coddled start to finish and suddenly he had everything taken away from him except for billions of dollars but she already had a tough life and she was already like a young adult when the love of her life was like brutally murdered and so like she was able to kind of her mom was murdered she's got a lot of fucked up stuff and she's just like she's just sort of like yeah it's tough to be a woman and that's why i kill men which is like very like this trope exists in many many movies and things like that where it's like when women kill it's like because something bad happened and it made them sexy do you know what i mean like something really bad happened to me and now i'm very sexy about it whereas like bruce's parents died and he like lives in a basement and can't make relationships um i don't know my my thought isn't totally fully formed but that is sort of how i feel about it um no it's a great comparison because did they even really bond over there no she was like my mom was murdered he's like that's tough that's rough yeah he's like oh your mom's murdered that's rough it's like you can you can relate i don't know if you only try if you could only try i don't know the gamut of weird adult orphan really runs wide you could you could be Frodo Baggins but you could also be bad man you could really be anything yeah i actually in a in a recent video i think we talked about how it tends to be that adoptive villains are way more evil than the non-adoptive versions like in that family it's like the adopted one if it's if it's a mixed family like adopted in biological the adoptive ones tends to be evil just i mean i think that's true in real life but um just noticing that's happening wait what is that in this movie just uh an orphan theoretically being adopted into a family no it's not necessarily in this movie somebody somebody pull up the tv trope tags of evil adopted child in mixed family i mean there are there are a lot in like horror movies and stuff such as the movie orphan of which i am the star um fun i get i get that a lot um the uh he the joker wasn't he not the joker the riddler was an evil orphan correct but he was also an evil orphan because he had grown up through the system and the system was so terrible that it made him be a bad bad little boy yeah yeah i i could i could look up my you know it's just a lot of stuff like adoptive relationships tend to breed evil characters as opposed to um i mean i know biological ones will too so i'll pull it up i'll pull it up yeah it makes sense to me because it's an easy out for like a screenwriter to be like what's something that will psychologically ruin a person from the very beginning adoption um so uh so here's part of the yeah it's pretty easy to be like yeah isn't that kid weird i think we got him somewhere else i think i think part of it is it's actually more about the redemptive nature of it if it's like like in an f9 his brother jcob with a k um is evil but he gets redeemed but like blowfeld is james bond's adoptive well james bond is technically the adopted brother in that one but he's their relationship can't be saved or like creed and sperm jizz or whatever his name is and the new harry potter movies is evil and it's worm jizz cream and squirm jizz yeah whatever you know the harry potter character where i haven't seen any of these new movies so i i'm going to take this as face value and assume that their names are cream and squirm jizz it's it's credence like credence clearwater but credence worm jizz it's um it doesn't matter all right we're gonna go do you guys got anything else or can we go to some of these fan question yeah i have i just won a pretty big question is why is the entire city of gotham surrounded by a seawall why did they build an underwater city and then just like throw up some concrete walls global warming that was weird especially since at no point ever before had anybody said anything about like hey it rains a lot in gotham which is a big deal because we would really not like these seawalls yes they yeah they didn't they didn't mention the seawalls until like they need to be blown up and they're like oh by the way the the one thing that would actually cause a lot of damage we have that here and he is attacking that and you're like oh shoot i thought he was just killing people it really felt like oh cool a new movie starts now right these are different rules it's a different universe now all right yeah um let's go into some things mark hill asked uh jordan jordan do you want to defend uh your belief that the riddler was right uh so here's the deal when did you say that he was right i didn't did you say mark hill is a writer for us he's he's being dumb but i do think it is interesting that essentially and this is a trend in in all sorts of movies now with super villains and stuff which is they are basically 95 correct in their beliefs through most of the movie most of the series you see this with the flag smashers or whatever in um falcon in the winter soldier and then all of a sudden they're like they're like uh the city is corrupt like all the cops are on the payroll they're using the the thing that's supposed to renew the city uh to launder money and i think all those things are bad you're like yeah yeah i agree and also i'm gonna i'm gonna blow up the city and set it on fire you're like no no or they're like i'm gonna slit this child's throat in front of you you're like wait that part's bad i guess you're bad now but not their ideas it's very sometimes the connection is somewhat tenuous too we're like you don't know how they got from point a to point b where they're like we should have universal health care and you're like okay and he's like so i'm gonna kill this kid in front of you and you're like no wait well like with the riddler with the riddler it's like okay everything's corrupt everything's bad uh we should assassinate the brand new mayor who has literally nothing to do with it not only nothing to do with it but is is is advocating the thing that you hate is bad that's literally her platform is hey the renewal project thing sucks ass yeah why did they have such a i guess they're sort of anti-organized anything but they you are right she was very much sort of ideologically more on the same page as they if she and paul dano had sat down in a waffle house and just discussed their ideas i think they really would have gotten along but it's he should have sent our card that's what he should do with his card printing business but instead he's like so what we should do is we should kill everybody that's how we'll save the orphans if we drown them you're like well maybe we we all got on at the same stop which is corruption is bad but then we got off and they stayed on the train until they arrived at domestic terror yeah it's just it's a it's a it's a bridge too far and it's something that they do a lot which is i just feel like in in movies a lot now they're saying they're taking villains they used to be like uh i don't know i'm gonna use a space laser to hold the world hostage and make a trillion dollars and you're like i get it that's not good but now it's always like hey we're displaced refugees and we want the world to remain how it was when it was borderless because life was more fair whatever like in in the flag smashers and the thing and you're like oh i could see that and they're like and we're gonna kill everybody everywhere all the politicians in the world oh no don't do that it's a step too far um anyway so that was one everybody everybody's yelling at me in the chat saying that the seawalls were foreshadowed in these like subtle easter eggs it's sorry they were in the beginning beginning beginning of the movie when when batman's like look at this newspaper oh yeah it's all like the seawalls we got to be reinforced money for seawalls yeah but every time i do it makes me laugh do you remember you remember when he's walking down the street and there's a little dutch boy with his finger in a wall and he's like i thought that was weird anybody coming to replace me on my shift or is it only going to be me and they're like you got it you got it so hungry and this water is brackish i haven't drank in three days i did you got a little dude congrats i didn't think that meant anything initially but you know now that i'm thinking back on now i yeah that's why he was there um somebody asked did the riddler know batman was bruce uh no no and in fact uh it's proven in the movie when batman thinks he got caught but yeah yeah so it's a he's like mask halfway off oh oh yeah no i agree with you i agree with you it's a bad question but also it's one that a lot of people don't seem to know because when we were preparing for this i i read a bunch of other people's articles on it and comic book resources like the first thing of explaining the ending was like uh you know paul dano knew that batman and bruce wayne were the same person so oh no they saw it as a plot hole so why didn't they why didn't he no you didn't kill bruce wayne or batman or something that was like what are you freaking talking about he literally says like if only we could have killed bruce wayne yeah it's just he slipped through my fingers and batman's like yeah totally he totally slipped through a lot of people yeah that happened a lot of people miss that for some reason um so uh i like the part wait before you say one more thing i'm gonna say my favorite movie which is when they were interrogating the penguin and then they left him and uh it was sort of like a we'll come back for you moment where they just sort of like left him under a bridge um again just actors having fun having a little have a little laugh in our uh in our the batman for 20 we had the penguin with his pants down like that go i'm waddling yeah which i think is just a really great reference he was having a good time i agree um reference to uh taxi oh no uh midnight cowboy yeah midnight cowboy one of my favorite movies thank you you're welcome um this one is probably not good for us because although we are nerdy in many ways uh what other main villains could a sequel actually handle in this grounded universe other than the joker because the rest quote and quote according to them have unnatural abilities that some might deem unnatural yeah i mean like that is the problem with the problem i'm saying that very loosely with like comic books is that like comic books are tend to especially when you go back to like early runs of things to get like classic villains it's like it's calendar man oh no with the power of the calendar he's gonna uh change my month my period got all screwed up because he changed the month in the middle of the month do you know what i mean like that is sort of like you know they're really it's really hard to be like okay what's the gritty take on calendar well do you know what i mean it's funny you say that literally that is the villain in the long hall well it's not the villain in the long halloween but it's it's who they keep thinking can help them solve it because the holiday killer quote unquote which there's one for you the holiday killer uh is it's just i think the way you do it is you just basically have to take everybody and turn them into weird serial killers or something or terrorists or something where whatever their power normally is is is watered down like bane would be fine he's just strong and he breathes weird rasa ghoul is fine if you say he's not magic he's just a good ninja i thought scarecrow with the gas i mean all the Christopher Nolan stuff oh scarecrow was scary i like i forgot about that he was good i liked him and you know uh there's as Jesse knows there's kite man who uh beats the shit out of people with kites i think there's a fun way to do that like what are they gonna do be like i got strangled by a kite when i was a kid and when i as the life was fading from my eyes i thought if i survive this i'm gonna make sure everyone who's ever played with a kite dies and then he i mean i would watch yeah yes 10 years that's gonna be uh i'm gonna sell it for billions of dollars um yeah there's a lot of questions that presuppose that we know anything about comic books which maybe we should have reviewed a different movie like what what other dc hero should they make a movie of to save the franchise calendar man kite man kite man calendar man we named them all yeah it could just be called the man's and we take all the the kite man's and the calendar man's and they're like that's a rom com that's yeah that's like the answer to uh wand division dc's answer yeah the man's the man's the man's um uh oh somebody said you should quit the internet jesse that's fine uh because you didn't get the seawall um why would you write that down that's brian wrote that down and sent it to me so it's his fault sometimes people do really bad things on the internet but it's cool but if you missed the part with the seawall you should be banned you should have all right you're right you missed the part with the seawall i don't even trust you like what am i letting you be like be on earth let uh i saw the seawall when they pointed do it and blew it up um i got one more question from the from the audience which is what would a grounded dr frieze look like and uh as a reminder benedict cumber bed that's it that's the answer no uh if i'm not mistaken he i don't remember why he got like dipped in something or whatever but he's he's so he has to keep his body temperature really low yeah um to stay alive to stay alive so he builds a suit to that end is that a thing that medically could be possible or oh i mean it is they they built that for the um for all the wookiees in uh the the prequel series okay all the wookiees in the newer movies have full suits that are like have like cold water pumping through them so that's what it would look like so he's just like a really hairy man and oh that would be such a good take on it so mr frieze is actually just a really hairy is he a really hairy dude or he likes to put on a suit that makes him look scarier and he has to cool himself okay there's not a lot of there's not a lot of ways to take this all right we're picking new titles unless you guys got anything else forgot again oh my god this really is sick at this point okay uh it's just sick it's i gotta remember it's distressing uh how many times you get this all right we'll see if anybody's got another title just feel free to uh yes someone please save my butt if you wouldn't mind i got i got a good one all right go the rain man oh yeah that's great there hasn't been a movie called that you got it you know she baked that yeah he's a little slow but he's good at solving certain types of puzzles um he is man yeah any farts in phone booths uh i had rat with wings man um oh yeah i forgot that that was a major block point it's like the biggest plot point debatably it's weird because okay so i think it's really clever that u r l rada allada actually is url like a website uh rada allada that's cool but the fact that it it a rat with wings applies to two characters perfectly batman and the penguin and doesn't really at all apply to a freaking falcon and yet no and even especially because like when they were doing it they were like a pigeon a falcon and it's like wait a minute there are several birds in between the same it's like that's like naming two humans you know back to back and being like yeah me do they meet alley people indy circus right jordan breeding michelle obama and it's like hey what just because they're both alive like i yeah yeah that was a little uh weird and we've done a lot again there should have been a better it was a mystery movie and it should have had a better like mystery but like i do think it's i think its benefit was that like there were so many threads and so i like i was never like bored i was like okay i'm interested in knowing where that thread leads but definitely they never were like good riddles remember like remember when you were reading like the hobbit when you were a kid and golem was like i'll give you this all powerful ring if only you can answer my riddle and then the riddle was like like easy because it's like a book for for like young adults and you're like yeah cool that's uh cool uh so now this guy has this cool ring that this little gremlin uh gave and the next book is like actually that ring is evil the ring is actually the epitome of all evil it's uh it's all evil incarnate you gotta kill it you gotta destroy it and it's like but i got this in a riddle contest like they go how can this possibly be the same thing i got it yeah i got it in a crackerjack box you can't tell me this is a working gun literally literally they were like like the crackerjack box was like answer me if you can see what can be blue but also you and it's like my eyes it's like you got it this gun won't stop firing until you put it bring it into a volcano you have to put this gun into that volcano or else everyone you know around you is gonna die and you're like oh no i wish i hadn't answered the stupid riddle it's like if steve from blues could mail every kid a grenade whenever they get a clue yeah you got it check your mailbox for real um all right so other titles i was gonna say the world's most okay detective based on what we were saying um somebody had brat race it's pretty good hey that's good who did do you know do you know the user uh yeah um brat race brat race michael stirlachi michael yeah michael you grabbed my you got my you get you get a grenade you get a grenade you get a grenade um there's batman teaches spanish which is from brian slack i wonder if there's a way to say that in spanish uh batman play days edu carr en espanol en espanol um uh there's don of the planet of the bat that's pretty good because matt reeves have you guys uh watched the planet of the apes trilogy the new one oh you should do that it's really good he wants yeah we should start doing trilogy there was another movie he directed that i was like wait i remember i like that one but now i forget what it was well oh it was um uh ten cloverfield lane oh he directed that oh yes with with with john goodman and uh what's her name who's good maryland smith winstead who's in everything yes everything she's in she's amazing she's in the only good final destination three she's really good in that movie too and he and he's very scary and i really like that movie a lot and uh john whatever gallagher whatever john yeah john gallagher jr yes i'm like that he's pretty good he's fun yeah and they were a really good little trio of actors considering they were like the only actress for a very long time uh man bat riches to rags love it nice man matt matt matt band confused in the city um all right so we're gonna wrap this up unless you got anything else because you know we're we're yeah an hour fifteen we got people to okay let me blast out my last oh yeah go oh yeah blast him out impractical joker oh no zoe zoey and rob's infinite playlist god incel but in the sauophant and i like that's a visual joke and reboot at the seawall i do like the seawall see jesse remembered the seawall he remembered it so much i saw the seawall um great uh somebody did ask okay how does this compare to other batmans it's my second favorite i like dark night better i like it more than i don't know it's actually probably somewhere in the middle i did like kind of batman begins a lot i don't know i like batman begins and i what was the one that had bane and razzle cool and stuff that's probably my least favorite i even less than the like corny 90s ones i think i would still prefer to rewatch those than to watch rises um manu if that's how you say your name batman gotham in a bat rage there i said your title are you happy you're happy um you happy cool well let's uh let's let's wrap this up you guys ready you ready for this yeah so let's do it let's get out of here so we're gonna be doing this every monday and we're gonna get better i promise uh but every monday i will well we'll see i've made me no plans to improve uh every monday at one p.m eastern we'll be on here we'll be talking about something uh if you want us to do something specific go to uh crack.com movie club where we have like a newsletter and stuff and you can email us suggestions for other future movies and also if you happen to miss the live stream you can obviously watch it on here so subscribe to us on youtube but we also are going to throw them up on spotify and apple podcast wherever you get that stuff so yeah honestly please recommend some stuff because we have really hit a wall with recommending things to each other so it's it's not it's not imposing it's actually very helpful yeah please email us some ideas you can also just comment or whatever we'll we'll try and find it um but alie where can we find you you can find me on twitter at miss alice nutting m-s-a-l-i-c-e-n-u-t-t-i-n-g you can also find me at 44 below on tuesday's oh i tell jokes um i have if i have a 10 minute stand up set at 44 below um it's weird they're not interested mostly a lot it's a lot of men having sex with women in public and doing drugs so people aren't a really big fan of my crowd work but you know it pays the bills so i do have a set there every tuesday night wonderful you can find me in gotham thank you jesse where can we find you uh you can find me down by the seawall with my finger in the hole just holding this city together yeah hell yeah uh and also on twitter at iseman e-i-s-e-m-a-n-n and you can find me on twitter at the underscore j underscore breeding and that's it we're done i'm gonna i'm gonna stop streaming thank you for and it for doing the things |
Wizards_with_Guns | why_did_you_unsubscribe_from_my_onlyfans | Uh, hi? Can I, uh, help you? I- I don't- Oh! Oh my god, you're the- you're the guy- The guy who pees in his own mouth online. Yeah. How- Why are you here? I, uh, I noticed you stopped paying. I- I don't know what you're- To watch me pee into my mouth. Don't- Why did you unsubscribe? From my service?
I- I actually just lost my job, okay? Oh, so you got fired. Oh, man. So you probably have, like, a lot of money lying around from that severance package. I don't- I don't understand. I quit, alright? I quit my job. Wait, so you can afford not to have a job? It was a- Or did literally all of your money disappear? You can't even afford, like, five dollars a month. It was a hostile work- What are you- Don't- What is that?
That's my dog. So you bought a whole dog? I mean, I just have a dog, yeah.
She looks healthy. She looks heavy. Looks like you feed her well.
My family's gonna be home soon, and I don't really, uh, think it'll be best- Starbucks! How often do you go there? Okay. Probably once a month. I mean, anyone can afford that. Yeah, no- Okay, I get it. I get what you're trying to say.
What is this, some kind of soy shit? Some kind of expensive shit? Don't drink that. That is definitely just trash water. It's better than my own piss.
You're probably right. I just don't understand. I mean, you can't pay five, ten dollars a month? I mean, ten dollars is a lunch. Yeah.
You can't skip a lunch a month? You want me to skip lunch? It's one lunch!
I mean, by the looks of it, you could lose a few pounds. My doctor said I should eat more, actually. Oh, so you can afford health insurance!
Oh my god! I mean, what are we gonna do about this? I mean, I'm probably gonna have to call the cops or something now.
You know how I found you? I Googled you.
Get out of my house! Fine! But I'm taking the dog. Okay, you know what? No, stop! Wait! If I let you take my dog, can I have my subscription back? I'll give you six months. Seven? Just skip the lunch! |
TheOnion | Men_Fired_In_Wake_Of_MeToo_Come_Forward_About_How_It_Took_Them_Several_Hours_To_Find_New_Jobs | Once the Me Too movement got going, things started changing. I knew I would have to be brave. I started hearing about all these guys losing their jobs, or at least a few guys, one or two. I never thought I'd be put in a position where I was being held accountable for something I did. I thought, that's something that happens to other people, not to me. They fired me for using my power to solicit sexual favors from interns. I'd been doing this for years, so when they let me go, I was shocked.
For several hours, I felt totally and utterly alone. I had nothing. My company credit card, my unaccrued PTO, gone. It was the worst three and a half hours of my life. I felt so powerless. I texted a couple colleagues for support, and they immediately responded with, let me see what I could do. It felt like the end of my career. I started having really dark thoughts. I even typed monster.com into my browser. I hadn't updated my resume in years. Instinctively, I almost called my secretary to do it, but because of her allegations, I no longer had a secretary. I felt so lost.
Would I ever be taken seriously again? Where would I go? What would become of me?
I turned to alcohol to numb myself. I am not proud of that. And by the time I polished off the second drink, I was ready to order a third, a fourth, a fifth.
But then I got a call. A former coworker emailed me to say he knew some people at a very reputable company, and they set me up with an interview later that day. It was such an emotional time that I'd forgotten that there was this whole network of men that helped men like me get back on their feet. I got the job. They even offered me a starting bonus. Now I'm actually at the same level as my previous boss who accused me of harassment. I really thought getting fired was going to break me, but a handful of unstructured hours made me stronger.
I'm more confident, more self-assured. I'm proud of who I am. Oh, I'm making a lot more money now, a lot.
I'm speaking out so that other men fired in the wake of Me Too know they're not alone. It turns out that this kind of thing happens to a lot of guys. We just don't talk openly about it.
It may take you most of the day to find a new job, but if you just half-heartedly throw out a couple of feelers here and there, it will happen. Never hesitate to reach out to someone you trust. He'll understand that as a man, it's in his own best interest to back you up. As difficult as that afternoon was, it helped me see the good in people again. So if you lost your job because of your own behavior, stay strong. Before you know it, everything will be better than ever. It is not your fault that the allegations were actually taken seriously. You are not alone.
I too was fired in the wake of Me Too. I too. |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_paula_deen_on_the_lawsuit_against_her_snl | Well, it's been a tough year for Paula Deen. after admitting to having Type 2 diabetes, the Queen of Comfort Food has been hit with a lawsuit by the General Manager of the restaurant she co-owns with her brother. here to talk about it is Paula Deen. Hi, guys. hi, Saya. doing good. they're all doing good. Now, Paula, so about this lawsuit that was brought against you and your brother, Baba, the manager of your restaurant claims that your brother sexually harassed her and that you said racist things. those allegations are a bunch of butter and oil. I'm sorry, did you say butter and oil? No, Seth, a butter and Oil.
Okay. those allegations are as stupid as fat-free crayon chains. And that's as stupid as stupid can get. Okay, well, Paula Deen's allegations seem pretty serious to me.
Okay, let me tell you what, Seth. this has been a doozy of a year. Uh-huh. it started with me getting hit with what my mama calls the sugars. that's all right. I think when you say the sugars, you mean diabetes? I guess that's what Northerners call it. Now I got to watch what I ate. Oh, no. well, hold on. Sam! I feel like I'm standing in a big old poodle of butter and oil, and my feet are trying to gain traction, but I'm just like, whoop, whoop, whoop, like a three-stage. this is more of a mess than a barbecue rib dinner and an owl fox home where everybody's got the shanks. Well, it does sound pretty messy, Paula. What about the claims that your brother, Paula, would look at foreign sites in the office he shared with the manager? listen, Seth, have you ever Googled on something for something and something else pops up for y'all? I love Twinkies. So one day, I'm just googling twinkies up a storm and one of my butter-covered fingers slipped, and I clicked on Twink. Well, next thing you know, I'm looking at two young men shaking their dang aligns just as fast as you can imagine being shook at you. you ever have that happen to your son? No, not recently.
Now, Paula, what about the very serious allegation, the very serious allegation of you using the N-word? Hot, buttering, I'll say it. Which N-word is she talking about? there's a whole bunch of N-words.
Well, the bad one. like nutrition. No. not nutrition, the really bad one. nutrition's pretty bad. No, it's not nutrition. it's the really, really, really bad one.
I would rather diet and exercise than use the N-word. Paula Deen, everyone. let her know! |
cracked | celebrities_who_were_big_fans_of_their_own_parodies | While spoofing famous people frequently leads to hurt feelings and cease and desist letters, from time to time, the targets of these mockeries surprise us all by embracing their fictional comedic doppelgangers. Like how Arnold Schwarzenegger credited SNL's Hans and Franz with normalizing his accent. I am Hans. And my own Franz, and we just want to pop, you are.
And Russell Crowe saw South Park's parody as an apt metaphor for his own life. You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, you testicle! South Park memorably held nothing back when it came to lampooning Russell Crowe, portraying him as a drunken, violent children's show host who is fighting around the world. When the real Crowe was asked about the episode during a 60 Minutes interview, the actors surprisingly praised Parker and Stone.
They are very, very funny men, and I wish them Godspeed, and I hope they continue to do what they do. And finally, Werner Herzog congratulated Paul F. Tompkins on his Werner Herzog impression. My congratulations. |
dropout | hardly_working_evil_crossword | Jake, let's go. Meeting time.
Nah, I hit up this crossword puzzle instead. You know how I do. Seriously? I'm mad good at crossword puzzles.
Do you want me to apologize? I'll catch you on the flip. Better watch it, Jake. We're gonna make some enemies with an attitude like that. Whatever, mate.
This puzzle's about to get done, son. Five across. Simple as pie. Uh-oh, there we go. Ten across.
Who's sick is crap at wordplay? Jai, what's this?
Wow. I can't believe people think this is hard. This is mad easy for me. It's just like, come so natural to- Huh.
But, don't bother me. Not me. Not Jay Dolla's. Not Jay Skrilla. Not Jay Money.
Gonna power through. Yeah, that's right. Who got the word up top? Me. Jay Wits. Oh, God. Okay.
It's just a coincidence. It's not real. It's just a coincidence. It's not real.
Okay, seriously, what the hell's going on, all right? This is not happening. All right, see? That's more like it.
Brave. Who's brave? Me.
Jay Wits. Jay Dolla!
Wow. Yeah, I know. Someone's trying to kill me.
Yeah. You wrote Jay Kerwitz in the margin. Yeah. Nah, she's right. Jay Wits went off on a weird-ass tangent there.
Let's do 15 across. Casual Fridays. Boom. |
SaturdayNightLive | helga_lately_snl | To Tiddepand E! Sweden, don't network, don't entertainment. Just Helga Lately! Who but don't aren't Target, Target, Fargon, Norkin, Bargain? Here's Helga Handler! There you go. If you close the poll there, Helga Handler, and the whole, the vodka and red balls, there's the whole, the doggy-style sex.
It's just not, it's just me, panelists. There's the television comedian there, and the whole, the whole, the whole show.
Um, IKEA coffee table? I don't speak Swedish.
They're the whole of Swedish football, eh. Ilyason Mannerheim.
Thank you all, thank you. Thank you, Ilyason. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Hi, Mulder. Well, daffin' flugin' flugin' flugin' championship, herky-gerky daffin' football, daffin' flugin' meatballs. You, Slavel Holter, have championship, they're football. I, both Holter, have championship, they're vodka and ecstasy, Iggy-Folter. Thank you, Iggy-Folter. Is this also the keys to success? Daffin' Laster, daffin' flugin', big play.
Jerky-daffin' herky-flaffin', try to have some fun out there. Un flockin' fluggin' go-kruff-goin', there's no I in florphin-fligin'. Un flockin' floggin' is a hod. You're very sexy, that's a hod. |
TheOnion | Green_Lantern_A_Superhero_We_All_Know_And_Love_Says_Studio | Well, the big-budget blockbuster movie based on a comic book character called the Green Lantern finally hits theaters today. Madison Daly has the star fix. Thanks Andrea. According to Warner Brothers, Green Lantern is a superhero with fans around the world who everyone certainly knew about before they saw the movie's trailer. Now those fans will finally get to see the DC Comics superhero in his own cinematic adventure, presumably flying around and being green among other things. Warner Brothers execs say the movie will remain faithful to the comic books, adapting a classic plot line in which the Green Lantern encounters a conflict and overcomes it using his lantern powers. Of course, the film will also feature the pink character who's mad at the Green Lantern about something and the other character with a big giant brain. It really is a story that unites all of us. Young man living his life and suddenly, boom, he's the Green Lantern and he's forced to deal with something. Online buzz is building around the film's stars, including Blake Lively, whose name seems to have been floating to the top of lists of names you hear, and Ryan Reynolds, who recently told People Magazine, quote, I've been a Green Lantern fan ever since I was told I would be the person starring in the Green Lantern movie, so this is a thing come true for me. Moviegoers are already lining up for upcoming midnight showings. Yeah, Green Lantern, sure, why not? They put together all these posters and they made that really nice trailer. Who am I to say I don't want to see this movie? And a Green Lantern sequel is already rumored to be in the works due to the fact that this franchise has now been created.
I know I can't wait. I'm such a huge fan of the Green Lantern and his power ring. Well, Madison, it looks like Greg Lantern is going to be a huge hit. Can't wait.
Moving on, a new study finds unemployment is causing thousands of out-of-work Americans to run for Congress. Are international sex slaves taking jobs from American prostitutes? We'll discuss on the next In The Know. . |
dropout | a_modern_night_before_christmas | T'was the night before Christmas, 2012 and not a creature was sleeping, not even myself. Amazon boxes were piled haphazardly in the hopes that someone might wrap them eventually. I was up drinking dad's booze getting soused watching reruns of Seinfeld with sis on the couch. While up in the kitchen, mom stressed and pulled hair trying to plan out the Christmas dinner. You kids promise to help and I'm on my last nerve. Ugh, we said, mom, we bought the hors d'oeuvres. Dad was out late at the Last Barnes and Noble trying to knock out his shopping in one big car load full. A book light for mom, a gift card for Dee Dee and for Adam, a real rockin' Jimmy Buffett CD. Then grandpa barged in and turned on Bill O'Reilly. Sis got real miffed and yelled, Fuck the tea party. And grandma found mom and got super judgy. Your house is a mess and your kids are all pudgy. Dad stumbled in and tripped over the light and- Ugh, son of a bitch.
Before anyone knew it, we all were fighting. Stop it, I yelled. And I got real sincere.
Christmas is stressful, but at least we're all here. The fire is lit and it's the snowiest of weather. Let's be a family and get drunk together. |
SaturdayNightLive | chris_parnell_sings_to_demi_moore_saturday_night_live | And now, here with a very special report is our own Chris Parnell.
Well, when I heard that Ashton Kutcher was going to be hosting the show this week, I was pretty excited. he's a funny guy, a talented actor, and a pleasure to work with. But to be honest, I was even more excited that it probably meant I'd be meeting his special lady friend, Miss Demi Moore. you see, I was a teenager in the 80s, and Demi played a big part in my development.
So, Demi, let me dedicate this to you. listen up, G.i. Jean! Demi, what you give me is not a semi. I don't lies. when I look at you, my meal becomes a biggie. super size. girl, you drive me crazy, And Ghost, your Mac was lazy. he covers you in clay, I cover you with Dna. got a St. Elmo in fire, burning in my pants. I'm much more age-appropriate, so just give me a chance.
Now, do not get me wrong, I like Ashton a lot. if I went both ways, have to say that he is hot. he's a fine young man. if I went that way, I would make him rise again for the Easter holiday. Ashton, what a beautiful boy. If I were bisexual, your mouth I would enjoy. Ashton, I don't roll that way. but if I did, I'd surely eat at your buffet. Ashton, you're so meow, meow, fine. that if I like the boys, I'll be up on your behind. Ashton, don't misunderstand. if I was Acdc, I would try to touch your gland. Let me reiterate, I am a heterosexual man, and I'm extremely attracted to Demi Moore, as I have been for 20 years. I am in no way sexually attracted to Ashton Kutcher. But if I was, I'd meet him at his house, and down a couple grooves, shoot some pool and some hoops, then play some Halo 2. we'd change into our tank tops, pop iron for an hour. we'd get all hot and sweaty and retire to the shower. we'd lather up each other, and then we'd dance around. we'd make each other giggle till we both fell down. we'd wash each other's hair and dry each other off. for a joke, I'd grab his testicles and ask for him to cough. at night, we'd share our secrets, all our hopes and dreams. then we'd moisturize our skin with the finest sounds and creams. we'd burn a scented candle and have a pillow fight. then take off our pajamas and cuddle through the night. Ashton! what a beautiful boy. if I was my sexual, your mouth I would enjoy. Ashton! he don't roll that way. but if I did, I'd surely eat at your fluffy face.
Ashton! you're still meow, Meow? Fine. If I like the boys, I'd be up on your behind. Ashton! don't misunderstand. If I was Acdc, I would try to touch a brand. I love you, Demi! Ashton, let's hang, Bro. Chris Barnell, everybody! they got it! can we get updates? |
SaturdayNightLive | weekend_update_trump_s_facebook_reinstated_george_santos_admits_to_dressing_in_drag_snl | It's weekend update with Colin Jost and Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Facebook announced that it will reinstate former President Donald Trump's account, but this time they'll put guardrails in place to keep him under control, which I think is the same thing they said every time they tried to reopen Jurassic Park. Also, what even are guardrails on Facebook? And can they apply to my Uncle? Because he's posted some very disturbing fanfiction about the Green M&m.
In the wake of the classified document scandal, representatives for Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and Barack Obama issued statements saying they all turned over all classified records before leaving office, while Jimmy Carter issued a statement saying, come and get him, you bastards. a little sassy Jimmy Carter impression. A lawyer from Mike Pence says that after they discovered classified documents in his home, Pence stands ready and willing to fully cooperate. Incidentally, I stand ready and willing to fully cooperate is also what Pence says before sex. During the Senate hearings investigating Live Nation and their monopoly on concert ticket sales, fans of Taylor Swift protested outside the Capitol. Oh, that's sweet. In only two years after their dads were there, Senator Rick Scott, seen here, learning that Harry Potter has fallen into his trap, announced that he is running for reelection, promising to finish the Border wall and name it after Donald Trump, even though most things named after Donald Trump are complete failures. George Santos admitted that while living in Brazil, he did dress in drag, but said he was not a drag queen. Ok, honey, we knew that from your contouring. Ron, Ron Mcdaniel was reelected as chair of the Republican National Committee in a closer than expected vote over challengers Harmet Dylan, Mypillow Ceo Mike Lindell, Twitter user Kat Turd 2, Kevin Sorbo, Kyle Rittenhouse, and, of course, Colin Joes. Congratulations, thank you. That election was rigged.
Google announced that it is cutting 12000 jobs, while Yahoo announced that it is now run by a family of raccoons. Pope Francis criticized laws banning homosexuality as unjust, saying that it's not a crime, even though Catholic Doctrine views homosexuality as a sin. he also stressed that Catholic doctrine views age as nothing but a number. Disney World is closing Splash Mountain to turn it into Tiana's Bayou Adventure after complaints that its Song of the South theme was racist. Ok, but where's the outrage about Disney forcing a mentally challenged dwarf to mind Blood Diamonds? |
SaturdayNightLive | sci_fi_cold_opening_saturday_night_live | The year 2014 is a time of turmoil for America. comfortably serving his second term, President Barack Obama no longer hides his socialist agenda. the unemployment rates skyrocket, and foreign armies gather their forces for an attack. chaos reigns. But from the darkness, a visionary emerges and leads a group of pioneers to pursue a better future in space. he is. Newt Gingrich! Moon President! Calista! Calista, come see how pretty the earth looks. Oh, Newt, you need to forget about Earth. you have the people of the Moon colony to lead now.
Oh, you're right. you're right. where is my trusted robot advisor, the Regatron 3000? Regatron 3000? That's your service.
I go to school. and when you're not at school? I work as a janitor at the school, per your Moon decree. You know, on Earth. they thought the idea of student janitors was crazy.
I guess that's why they didn't want me to be their president. the people of South Carolina wanted you to be President. not all of America is as forward-thinking as South Carolina. a good moon to you. and may divorce be with you. A bold President. Vice Admiral Herman Cain.
Blast off. yeah, to let us shuttle. The refugees from Earth arrived, and we found a stowaway. A stowaway? Yeah, at first we thought it was a woman, but.
Mitt Romney. Yes, yes, it's me. Vice Admiral Cain, leave me and Mr. Romney alone. very well.
I shall return to inspecting craters, if you know what I mean. very well. Do you know what I mean? I do. I mean, not like moon crater craters.
Vice Admiral! it's a surprise to see you here, Mitt. As I recall, you found the idea of a moon colony silly back in 2012. Ah, Newt, we were all wrong. ever since you left Earth, it's been a nightmare. please forgive me and let me work in your administration. I'm just supposed to believe that you've completely changed your position? Well, it wouldn't be the first time. Are you my robot father? Ah, don't be silly. I'm not a robot, I'm a human man. Liar! Sir, we're receiving communications from Earth that Iran and North Korea have launched nuclear weapons.
And just as you so wisely predicted that they would. Also, when I said craters earlier, I meant ladies' butts. Now what? there's no reason we can't start a newer, better civilization here on the Moon. there is one problem, Mr. Moon President. of the 13,000 colonists, only 200 are men. Curses! that ratio is no good. Yeah, cause see, the most I can handle is about five, maybe six at a time. Yeah, more than that, and Herman gets in trouble. there is one solution. What is it, Calista? What if we stayed married but you had sex with other women? an open marriage? What man would ever ask for such a thing? why not? it's a perfectly reasonable request for a man to ask of his wife. Thank you. and so it shall be. The Moon is our future and it has everything we need. humanity is saved and I shall lead them. I'm Newt Gingrich and I approve this crazy-ass fantasy. And live from New York, it's Saturday now! |
dropout | sports_drink_or_body_wash_live | Hello and welcome to Sportsdrinker Body Wash Live. This is a special live edition of this game, we're using YouTube Live right now, this is a little bit of an experiment, so bear with us. These are the lucky contestants of the game. Are you guys ready to play Sportsdrinker Body Wash Live? Let's do it! Okay, so how it's going to work is, we have two cups here, one's going to be a body wash, one's going to be a sports drink. They all have very similar names, like first off, Pacific Surge, is that a body wash or is that a sports drink? I'm not sure, would you bathe with that or would you drink it after a game of basketball?
I don't know. Neither. Neither?
Both of those sound bad. They sound bad.
Okay. The first contestant is Siobhan.
Already grossed out? Okay, already grossed out, that's a good place to start. I can already smell the body wash. I can see it's the body wash.
It might be the sports drink, but it's very pungent. Which has more chemicals in it. Which has a longer ingredient. So your first option is Mountain Blast. That sounds disgusting. Alright, then our second one is Arctic Ice. Oh my god, that's really hard. Which one do you think is a sports drink?
Which one do you think is a body wash? I mean, here's the challenge with this. When I saw Mountain Blast, I was like, that has to be the body wash. Oh, it's got to be, right?
Because you can't drink it. You can't drink a mountain, right? But then you also can't drink the Arctic.
Neither of these are flavors. Which sounds more refreshing to you? They both sound terrible. Like, neither of these are extreme situations. Neither of them make me feel confident or clean. Like, you're dirty on a mountain and you're dirty at the Arctic and you're refreshed at neither. Which one sounds like it has more calories?
You know what I think I'm going to go with? Mountain Blast being the body wash. And Arctic Ice being the sports drink just because you put ice in drinks. And that is really the only... That's what I would do with Mountain. I would do that. And also I feel like Mountain is a word that's used a lot in body washes.
But I feel like I could definitely be wrong because Arctic Ice is not the name of a drink. Don't drink Arctic Ice!
Okay. Well, I mean, you have to make a choice here. So I'm going to drink the Arctic Ice. Right now. But can I please have some water? A cup of water on the ground over there. Great. Ground water. Here we go.
Siobhan, let's see if Arctic Ice was correct. Oh, that's definitely the body wash. Does she have to drink it? No, she is right. Arctic Ice is body wash. Mountain Blast is a delicious sports drink. I saw bubbles when she spit. That much of a difference between body wash and Mountain?
It tastes so bad. How's that, though? Oh, no, that's really bad, too.
It's like melon flavored. You don't get melons on a fucking mountain. Maybe there's mountains on it.
I'm so sorry, Siobhan. This feels like cosmic justice just before when you asked if you were allowed to swear on this. I'm so angry.
Here we go. Trap, trap, trap.
How are you feeling right now? I'm a little nervous. I feel like I'm going to lose. It's not an easy game.
My first thought is that if your wall doesn't feel like a clean color. Okay. Tread lightly here. Whoa, dude. I'm just saying overall. Make America great again. But I can't imagine it being good to drink either. There are more... Okay.
Cascade Crash. Cascade. Like Cascade.
That feels like... Sounds like soap, doesn't it? It feels kind of mountain-y. Because there's a specific soap named Cascade. God, okay.
I guess for me the real question is, if Black Chill... Because Black Chill feels like the crazier one to me. Are they more likely to make a drink that is black or a soap that is black? I think they're more likely... This is like the scene from Princess Bride. You want me to do this. I think they're more likely to make a soap that's black.
I agree. I 100% disagree.
There's a novelty to a black drink. I don't know. I mean, as a lady, black soap is a thing. Yeah, okay. And as a clean man, black soap is a thing. You smell as well.
I'm going to say Cascade Crash is the sports drink. Okay. I'm going to go with it.
Final answer, Cascade Crash. Cascade Crash.
Alright, I'm not going to smell it before I put it in. Yeah. No one smelled it. Everyone just tasted the video. I didn't mean to smell it.
It was an overwhelming sentence. Alright, so Cascade Crash is whose answer? God.
You don't know yet? Sports drink. Yeah!
I was not sure. It was solid. I couldn't believe how long you had known that.
God. It's so floral. I was like, oh no. It's just soap that tastes really good.
Great. Well, okay. Good job. I got it right. Who would have thought? Okay.
Our next contestant is Sam. Oh, boy. Sam, are you lost? This smells like soap. So, Sam, do you have any particular strategy going into this?
Are you feeling like there's a certain way? Yeah. I'm like intuitive. Okay. So, I'm going to use my third eye. Okay. So, Sam is a borderline psychic, so hopefully that will help him out in this game. But you have a problem with the last one. Yeah. He said borderline. My third eye is wrong, and so I do the opposite. Okay. Your first option.
Citrus Punch. Clearly a sports drink type name. Okay. Or Peach Burst. Citrus Punch. Or Peach Burst. This is one of those, this really is the Princess Bride scenario, because this says Punch. So, like, logic would dictate that this is the sports drink.
Sure. Unless the devious producers of this segment, including you, Zach, deliberately managed to find a sports drink called Citrus Punch. Yeah. Who would have thought? I mean, maybe. Can people out there like quickly Google this? Do you want to see if there's any comments that are helpful? I mean, they're just as likely to steer me astray, I guess. Yeah. But yeah, like, I think I have to assume that Punch is the sports drink. And then I'll be like, it'll be very surprising if it's not. Yeah. Sure. Right?
I mean, Peach is a flavor. Sam, I have a glass of water for you sitting by, because I think it's Peach Burst. You're saying, what is the, you're saying Peach? You think it's Citrus Punch. I think Citrus Punch is the, no, no, no. I think Citrus Punch is the sports drink. And Peach Burst is the body water.
I think it's the other way around. Really? Yes. Because I think it's a trick. Right. That's the question. Yes, exactly. I think it's four levels of trick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think it's a trick.
Citrus Punch. I don't think it's Citrus Punch. I think I'm going to do Citrus Punch.
Yeah. He has chosen Citrus Punch. We'll see. Okay. Ready? Right now. One, two, three. Is this correct? Yes. So. Sports drink. Oh. That's going to be stupid. So far, only Siobhan has gotten it. I drank so for nothing. Okay, well, all right, moving right along. Our next contestant is Katy Marron. Yes.
So, Katy, why don't you sit down. Are you feeling? My heart, it's hurting. Your heart hurts. It's not a great place to be in for this kind of game.
All right. All right, so let's get started.
Your first option is refresh. And your second option is harmony. What? Refresh. This is the double body wash brand.
I think I'm having a panic attack. I'm sorry to laugh in your face. This is something you're having a panic attack.
Can you parse it out? Is there anything specific you're thinking right now? So refresh to me just screams body wash. Anyone else? I mean, it could be both.
Harmony doesn't mean anything to me, right? It could be a harmony of flavor. Or it could give you harmony. Refresh is like after a shower. It's like an herb from Europe you've never heard of. Oh, this is harmony.
Oh man, I'm so nervous. I'm too nervous to go on.
So refresh, a harmony. How bad was it when you drank this? It was very bad, and I had a very small amount. I thought that was happening. Harmony reminds me of like a spa, but so does refresh.
Good thought, Zach. That didn't help. Can't we just take everybody's vote? No, it's you. You have to choose. Alright, thanks.
Oh, god. That's the audience. Oh, god. So hard.
So, you're going with? Harmony? I think harmony might be the dream, but I might be wrong. Can we just leave? No, I will not cheat for you in this game.
Okay.
You can't watch.
Oh, god. I think this might have been the soap. Oh, god. Did you swallow it? Oh, you swallowed it. What is it? Was I wrong? This is the sports drink and this is the soap. Oh, god. Why did you swallow it so quickly?
Why didn't you wait to see if there was danger? I mean, I haven't.
You're trying to taste so bad. Do you want the opportunity to wash that flavor out of your mouth with something different?
Yeah. Okay. Water? We have another game for you. Oh, god. Is this vodka or is this water?
Wait, why do I have to play this? I'll play that. Well, we'll save that for them. You really don't want to play that.
I've had a bad day.
Yeah. All right, Grant. Yeah.
Do you want to sit down? Yeah, let's do it. Well, do we want...
We still have to drink soap. I'm trying to get a drink here. Why don't you guys relax?
Fine. Okay, let's make Grant play his round. Okay, Grant. Sit down over here. Sure. That makes sense. Play your round up.
Oh, no. Sports drinker body wash. Sports drinker body wash.
All right. And then we'll go right into it. Yeah, man. Okay. So, your options are... Yes. Aqua Power Plus. Uh-huh. Okay. Or... Aqua Pulse. Okay. All right. You know, the flavor or... Yeah, yeah. I'm going to game this out with you right now. Sure. Yeah, let's go over it.
I'm... I go to the gym a lot. I'm in great shape. Okay. I'm in great shape. I'm in fantastic shape. I believe you.
Sure. Aqua Power Plus sounds like a water you would have with, like, electrolytes in it. Okay. Yeah. To give you... To give you water more power. Like, it's better water. Yeah. It's Water Plus. Sure. Aqua Pulse.
I do a lot of cardio when I'm at the gym, which gives my pulse. You don't have to talk about the gym that much. Gives my pulse up. He goes to the gym a lot. I'm in great shape.
So, I'm going to drink this one. I'm going to drink Aqua Power Plus. Aqua Power Plus. So, you think this fourth drink is Aqua Power Plus? Yeah, because I don't want to drink, like, pulse.
How often I'm looking at the cards, because I don't... I look away and I completely forget which one is it.
You could switch... You could do that. And the branding would be the same.
So, you're going with Aqua Power Plus. I'm going to have Aqua Power Plus. Okay. Let's see if Aqua Power Plus was the right answer.
All right. Like, taste it before you swallow. All right. Raise it to your lips and swallow it immediately. Three, two, one. Sportstring. Oh! There you go. That's correct.
A pretty good sportstring, too. Sportstring. Aqua Power Plus was the sportstring.
But let's up the ante. Uh-oh. Wave it all. Water or vodka. All right.
What are my choices? I feel like Chivangi. Get the place of Chivangi, so... Here we go.
So, your flavors are Blue Diamond or Pow Wow. Which one is vodka? Which one is water?
Blue Diamond is the almonds. Is the almonds? Yeah. Blue Diamond is the almonds. So, we would have those almonds.
Pow Wow... Okay.
Because I used to drink a lot of... Can I say brand names in this? I used to drink a lot of Papa vodka when I was in college. And Pow Wow has the same letter that starts that off, which makes me think that this is the vodka.
That's the worst one we have ever heard. Here's a question.
That's like saying water and wax are the same, because they begin with a W. Which one do you want to drink? I want to drink the vodka. You have to shower. Which means I'm going to pick this one to drink. Okay. You've got to squirt it directly into your mouth. So, you think Pow Wow is a vodka, but you are also still choosing to drink the vodka. And I'm also going to choose that to drink. What do you get? You don't have to drink it.
You have to squirt it in your eye. Yeah, you've got to squirt it. I've got to squirt it?
Yeah. All right. Hold on. How do we... No, I got it. There we go. All right. I think I should choose the amount. I think you're right. All right. Lean back. All right. Delighted.
What is it? Can you talk? It's water. No.
Grant was correct in... Wait, no. Grant got the wrong thing.
I'm trying to parse out the logic of what I'm trying to say. I have a question. He was incorrect in the right way, but still feels sad. I have a question.
Do we win anything? No. Not at all.
Moving right along, our next contestant is Jane. Jane.
You make me a bit of a Keaton there of it. She's always around. It's a body-washing vodka.
I'm not nervous about this at all. Okay. Because I've had lots of both things. Okay. You've had lots of... Okay.
Well, here we are. Our choices are emerald rush or riptide rush. A lot of rushing around.
My thought is that emerald isn't something that you would drink. It's a color. Sure. And a stone. The color of Irish spring soap. Yes.
Whereas riptide... You drink a riptide, of course. It doesn't have any flavor associated with it. Riptide rush. Which means it's a drink.
But neither does emerald, really. Neither one is really drinky. Neither one has a flavor associated with it.
This is flipping a coin. Yeah. So I'm going to drink at random. Okay. That is one strategy for this game.
Do it like how I did it. Just swallow it. Swallow it. Swallow it like Katie saw it.
Do I get a good one? For real. Is that toxic?
You're fine. It's just soap. I'm fine. That is tiny. My completely inexpert opinion says you're fine.
Okay. I'm going to go with my initial inclination, which is that riptide is a flavor. For no other reason. Okay. Shame. But that orange... It has the orange top. Oh, God. It's going to be soap. This is sports drink. Yeah! Okay. You got it right. Okay. It tastes like riptide.
Cynthia. I feel like... Here we go. It's stupid. Cynthia is our last contestant.
Yeah. Here we go. You're going to go the opposite way. I'm very nervous. Yeah. You're feeling nervous? Yes. I feel nauseous. Well? I've been wrong most of the time. Well, just choose the opposite of what you were thinking, right? Yeah.
This doesn't make any sense to me. No, it doesn't.
Freestyle, rap, this is what I think of, or dance. Yeah, yeah, sure. It's artistic. Which is sweaty. Okay. Yes. And then red sunset is nice and pleasant. Okay.
You want to drink during the sunset?
This is nothing. It means nothing. But there's no cues here, I feel like.
Right? I mean, that's kind of... It's a hard choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a color. Red sunset. Freestyle could be swimming? Do without what you will, you know? Yeah. So, if you had to make a choice. Wait. So, sports drink or soap? Yeah. That's the game already. Oh, yeah.
I don't remember what we're doing.
I think it's freestyle, so you should probably drink red sunset. Very diffusing. You think which is freestyle? I think freestyle is the drink.
Is the drink? Yeah. I was going to say, I think freestyle sounds a little bit more to me like you're active. Watching it out. You're drinking a sports drink. Oh, that's right. Active works for both. Active is... You're sweaty. You're thirsty. You want a sports drink? A body walk?
Do you think you're any closer to deciding? No, I'm very... No.
All right. Well... So, you're doing... What do you mean? The perfect thing to drink after exercise or after exercise, yeah. After you're all sweaty. It's kind of confusing. Yeah, I think like that is... Okay, yeah, I'm going to drink the sunset. Okay.
Are there comments?
She's going with red sunset. Cynthia's choice is red sunset.
Three, two, one. Boom! Oh, you swallowed it!
Red Sunset was the body wash. She was kind of on the right track. All the girls were doing that. We all just made our drinks close straight, so we don't use body wash.
Oh, no! I thought it was like drink at first. Well, I knew there was a problem when you opened that up and it wasn't red. If that's a sword string, then it has to be red.
Well, Javon, do you really quickly want to play a round of Bonco or Water? Alright, let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it in the last round of Bonco or Water. Oh! Here we go.
What do we got? Our choices are Cape North or Polar Ice.
Can you drink both? Oh, I think you can drink both. The distillation process takes the gluten out.
That's a little bit of fat. Yeah.
Cape North or Polar Ice? What are you thinking? Cape North. I think this is the water and I think this is the vodka. Cape North.
But can I tell you why? Because that's the cheat.
It's getting clearer than the others. Because this one has bubbles in it. And this one does not.
So which one do you want to drink? I want to drink the vodka. Not because I want to get drunk at work.
Which obviously I am a professional. But I still have the taste of soap overwhelmingly in my mouth. And the whole thing of water did almost nothing to abate it.
Okay. So maybe having a little bit of vodka will help. Okay. That makes sense.
So your choice, you think Cape North is vodka. I think Cape North is vodka. Alright, we're about to find out. Is Cape North vodka? Is Polar Ice water? Oh yeah baby. Cape North is vodka.
Well hold on. Okay, we have time for maybe one more game real fast. Sure. Do you want to have another chance at maybe some alcohol? Yeah. Yeah, I think I better take another chance.
Okay, so over here we're going to play a quick game of 90s punk band or microbrew. 90s punk band or microbrew. I know a lot of 90s punk bands. Okay, we're about to find out. What happens if it's the 90s punk band? You have to sit in that corner and listen to a 90s punk band for about an hour.
Because of, do you guys know Goldfinger? You guys know Goldfinger.
I don't care man, come on.
Alright, Big Sky sounds like Montana. I bet there's a lot of microbrews. Why? Because there's nothing to do in fucking Montana, so everyone drinks things. I mean because you're drunk Montana, so you would know that. I'm going to choose to drink Big Sky.
Okay, alright. You have to drink it if it's the band. Alright, so he chose Big Sky. Oh, look at that. Big Sky IPA. Alright.
What's in the other box? The other box is an iPad with some headphones that you narrowly dodge.
Well, okay, that's about all the time we have today for Sports Drinker Body Wash Live. Thanks for watching and playing along with us. Yeah, check us out on our next YouTube Live video.
Thanks. Bye. Cheers.
I want to listen to those punk bands. Maybe they're good.
Keep it up. No, it doesn't. Freestyle rap. This is what I think of. Or dance. Yeah, sure. It's artistic. Which is sweaty. Yes.
And then red sunset is nice and pleasant. You want to drink during the sunset?
Ah. This is nothing. It means nothing. But there's no cues here, I feel like.
Right? I mean, that's kind of like it's a hard choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get a color.
Red sunset.
Swimming? Do without what you will, you know. So, if you had to make a choice. Wait. Sports drink. Or soap. Yeah. That's the game already.
I don't remember what we're doing. I think it's freestyle though. You should probably drink red sunset. It's very confusing. You think which is freestyle? I think freestyle is the drink. Is the drink?
Yeah. I was going to say, I think freestyle sounds a little bit more to me like you're active. Yeah. You're drinking a sports drink. Oh, that's right. Active works for both.
You're sweaty. You're thirsty. You want a sports drink? A body walk?
Do you think you're any closer to deciding now? No, I'm very, no. All right. Well.
Wait, sunset sounds calming, which means. The perfect thing to drink after exercise or after exercise, yeah.
Yeah. After you're all sweaty, yeah. Okay. It's actually confusing. Yeah. I feel like that is. Okay. Yeah.
I'm going to drink. I'm going to drink for sunset.
Are there comments? He's going with red.
Oh, you saw it. I saw it.
Red sunset was the body wash. She was kind of on the right track. All the girls.
We haven't just made our drinks sports drinks. We haven't used body wash.
Exactly. I knew there was. I thought it was like drink at first. Well. I knew there was a problem when you opened that up and it wasn't red.
If that's a sports drink, then it has to be red. Well, Javon, do you really quickly want to play a round of vodka or water?
Hell yes. All right. Let's do it. Let's do the last round of vodka and water. Oh. Here we go.
What do we got? Our choices are Cape North or Polar Ice.
Can you drink vodka? Oh. Can you drink vodka?
Um. The distillation process takes the gluten out. Okay. That's what I was asking. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Cape North or Polar Ice? Otherwise, this wouldn't be for mistakes. Um. What are you thinking?
Cape North. I think this is the water. Yeah. And I think this is the vodka. Cape North.
But can I tell you why? Because that's the cheap.
Oh. Because this one has bubbles in it. Oh. And this one does not.
So which one do you want to drink? I want to drink the...
Sunset. Cynthia's choice is Red Sunset. Red Sunset.
Three, two, one. Oh.
You swallowed it. I swallowed it.
Red Sunset was the body wash. Oh. She was kind of on the right track. All the girls are. We haven't just made up drinks post drinks. Yeah. We don't use body wash. Oh. Exactly. Oh. We haven't just made up drinks post drinks. Yeah. We don't use body wash. Oh. Exactly. I knew there was. Oh. I thought it was like drink at first. Well.
I knew there was a problem when you opened that up and it wasn't red. If that's a sports drink, then it has to be red. Well, Javon, do you really quickly want to play a round of vodka or...
Hell yeah. Or watered? All right. Let's do it. Let's do the last round of vodka or watered. Cynthia had that win. Oh. Here we go.
What do we got? Our choices are Cape North or Polar Ice.
Okay. That's what I was asking. Wow. Yeah. Okay.
Cape North or Polar Ice? Otherwise this wouldn't be very nice. What are you thinking? Cape North. I think this is the water and I think this is the vodka. Cape North.
But can I tell you why? Because that's the cheap.
Oh. Because this one has bubbles in it. Oh. And this one does not.
So which one do you want to drink? I want to drink the vodka. Not because I want to get drunk at work, which obviously I am a professional.
Yes. But I still have the taste of soap overwhelmingly in my mouth. And the whole thing of water did almost nothing to abate it. Okay. So maybe having a little bit of vodka will help. Okay.
So your choice, you think Cape North is vodka? I think Cape North is vodka. All right. We're about to find out. Is Cape North vodka? Is Polar Ice water? Oh, yeah, baby. Cape North in vodka.
Well, hold on. Do we want... Okay. We have time for maybe one more game real fast. Sure. Do you want to have another chance at maybe some alcohol? Yeah. I think I better take another chance. Okay.
So over here, we're going to play a quick game of 90s punk band or microbrew. 90s punk band or microbrew. I know a lot of 90s punk bands.
Okay. We're about to find out. Wait.
What happens if it's the 90s punk band? You have to sit in that corner and listen to a 90s punk band for about an hour.
Okay. All right. So, Grant, the names are Longfellow and Big Sky. All right. Longfellow, to me, sounds like the punk band. Okay.
Because of...
Do you guys know Goldfinger? You guys know Goldfinger.
I don't care, man. Come on. And the whole thing of water did almost nothing to abate it. Okay. So maybe having a little bit of vodka will help. Okay. That makes sense.
So your choice, you think Cape North is vodka. Cape North is vodka. All right. We're about to find out. Is Cape North vodka? Is polar ice water? Oh, yeah, baby. Cape North is vodka.
Well, hold on. Do we want... Okay. We have time for maybe one more game real fast. Sure. Do you want to have another chance at maybe some alcohol? Yeah. I think I'd better take another chance. Okay. So over here, we're going to play a quick game of 90s punk band. Okay. Yeah. I think I'd better take another chance. Okay.
So over here, we're going to play a quick game of 90s punk band or microbrew. 90s punk band or microbrew. I know a lot of 90s punk bands.
Okay. We're about to find out. Wait.
What happens if it's the 90s punk band? You have to sit in that corner and listen to a 90s punk band for about an hour.
Okay. So, Grant, the names are Longfellow and Big Sky. All right. Longfellow, to me, sounds like the punk band. Okay.
Because of...
Do you guys know Goldfinger? You guys know Goldfinger.
I don't care, man. Come on. All right. People... Because there's nothing to do in fucking Montana, so everyone drinks things. Okay. I mean, because you're talking Montana, so you would know that. I'm going to choose to drink Big Sky. Okay. All right. You have to drink it if it's the band. Gladly. All right.
So, he chose Big Sky. Oh, look at that. Big Sky. Big Sky IPA.
All right. What's in the other box? The other box is an iPad with some headphones that you narrowly dodged. Well, okay.
That's about all the time we have today for Sportsdrinker Body Wash Live. Thanks for watching and playing along with us. Yeah, check us out on our next YouTube Live video.
Thanks. Bye. Cheers.
I want to listen to that punk band. Maybe they're good. People...
Because there's nothing to do in fucking Montana, so everyone drinks things.
Okay. I mean, because you're talking Montana, so you would know that. I'm going to choose to drink Big Sky. Okay. All right. You have to drink it if it's the band. All right.
So, he chose Big Sky. Oh, look at that. Big Sky. Big Sky IPA.
All right. What's in the other box? The other box is an iPad with some headphones that you narrowly dodged. Well, okay.
That's about all the time we have today for Sportsdrinker Body Wash Live. Thanks for watching and playing along with us. Yeah, check us out on our next YouTube Live video.
Thanks. Bye. Cheers. Bye.
I want to listen to that punk band. Maybe they're good. |
TheBetootaAdvocate | Ep_163_Anthony_Albanese | You're listening to Errol Parker and Clancy Overall, editors of the Petuta Advocate on Desert Rock FM. Welcome back to Petuta Advocate radio show, recording live here from downtown Petuta. Now today's guest is one that a lot of people will be tuning in to listen to. So I will start the show by reminding everyone of our commitment to bipartisan, fair and just media. Scott Morrison has been invited on the Petuta Advocate podcast many times, he won't go near us. I'd say we'd have more chance of getting Slim Dusty on the show. The offer is there. Today's guest has agreed to come on, he's the leader of the opposition, so he's one of Scott Morrison's enemies.
Growing List, Anthony Albanese, Member for Grayndler, thank you for joining us. Good to be here. Great to be in Petuta. It was great to have you here.
As I said before, we've interviewed Barra Lara, McCormack, bloody Jackie Trad, one of your great friends from up there in Queensland, and we try and get as many different people on here as we can. Some just refuse to come on, I think the ABC deals with that same issue as well, with you know, politicians refusing. Some might do any tough interviews, and I know this is tough. Yeah, well it's going to be tough, we're going to start with a tough question.
He also doesn't like travelling, did you hear this week him saying that to Toowoomba you couldn't have a quarantine centre there because it was out in the desert. If he thinks Toowoomba's the desert, what does he think of Petuta? I know, I know, it's disrespectful for all of south-west Queensland actually, maybe he's taken orders, we don't know, but Wellcamp Airport ended up turning out alright, didn't it? Well that's where they want to build it. Yeah, you know, there's international flights going from Wellcamp, or there used to be back in the day, but not anymore. Well he said that they don't have an airport there, it's actually an airport, it's actually an airport.
Jesus Christ, those bloody wagons, I'll tell you what, those wagons will be robable. They will be, they'll probably sue. Yeah, I know, that's what I'm thinking, maybe there's been some orders sent down from Sky News to brush that bloody quarantine hub, we don't know, anyway, we'll move on with the interview, and we're going to start by grilling you, we're going to skewer you, this is how it is Mr Albanese, you're not Teflon, you have survived three car accidents, we do know that. But the first question is, Errol, what are we going to hit him with?
Well I'd say let's start with probably something quite basic, Albo, what do young people in this country who don't have rich parents have to look forward to? Well not much under this government, they're bugging, they have no chance of getting into a house, they have no chance of getting a good job, if they have a job their wages won't go up, not much. What they have to look forward to is a Labor government looking after them. And what can the Labor government do, is the Labor government going to ban property investment, ban foreign ownership, I mean we're talking specifically about the Australian dream of buying your own house, maybe two, three betters, white picket fence, lawn, dog, you know, driveway for the car.
Above ground pool. Maybe, you know, you make a bit of coin later in life, you get a Ford Raptor. A shed, you know. A shed to hide in. A gun safe. Yeah, gun safe. Basketball hoop if your kid's that way inclined.
Those things aren't really on the table for a lot of people, as Errol said, unless you've got rich parents. The young people of Australia now are looking at kind of their wage slaves who will rent, pay money to a more privileged generation until the day they die.
No, it's pretty tough. It's pretty tough.
One of the things that we had in our budget reply was support for social housing. If you add to public housing stock, then what you'll do is have an impact on housing supply and it flows through, right through the system.
There's so many people who are struggling to get a roof over their head. Just to survive, I was, when I was back in Sydney in my electorate, the Exodus Foundation, Phil Cruz, looking after people there, they do a thousand meals a day for people who haven't even got that. Without that, they wouldn't get a feed. Those people need a roof over their head and governments are pulled out of public housing. I go up in public housing and the security of having a roof over your head is so important. But for young people today, it's really hard, it's tough.
Is there a difference between this term you're using social housing and public housing that you grew up in? It's the same thing I grew up in, it was council housing, city council housing. Some social housing refers to community housing as well, some more co-ops, but it's basically the same thing. Community housing can be less big brother control, I guess, rather than a big state bureaucracy you're dealing with the local housing organisation.
One of the landmarks, Australian landmarks, is of course the Harbour Bridge, just next to it was a famous, famous old brutalist building, the Sirius building. That was unanimously, the media were complicit in this as well, written off as one of the ugliest buildings ever put up in Sydney, right until they kicked the last old nonner out, who was living up there.
Who was 92 years old and blind and has been put in a place that's not appropriate. For someone who's blind.
It was purpose built housing for people with disabilities, I went to school with a whole lot of people who grew up around Millers Point and the Rocks and Woolamooloo, and it was a good thing there was a community down there. Now you go down there and the pubs are all empty. Advertising gurus. They're all empty, and there's a change in the culture, I used to play in the playground, there was a council playground down there, and it's just changed the whole nature of the area. And I used to, when I was in Sydney and had an overseas visitor, and you drove over the Harbour Bridge or drove around Sydney, I'd point at that building and I'd say, you know, the good thing is that's public housing, that shows the sort of society we are, whereby people who aren't millionaires can have a view of the harbour.
And that was a good thing, and that's gone, and now there's wraparounds in the Financial Review advertising it as - Front page, front page, luxury apartments. As luxury apartments, it's just a disgrace.
I guess now you can drive past and say that's Twiggy Forest's big bolt hole in Sydney, you know. That's right. You can say things like that.
Yeah, all negatively geared, I mean, it's terrible, I spoke at some of the demos down there against the sell-off of public housing, and the thing is as well, what used to happen in order to get affordable housing was that the Maritime Services Board had a whole lot of the housing around the rocks and Millers Point, and so that Warfies and people who went to see all lived there, and they were my mates I grew up with. Their parents, that's all gone now, just like Council, the housing where I grew up had people who worked on the Council. My grandparents moved in there in 1931 when it was built, and my mum lived there her whole life, but you grew up in a community whereby everyone wasn't on welfare, and that helped as well, getting that mix, whereas now if you have those concentrations of poverty away from everyone else in bigger states, it doesn't work, it has real social dislocation problems. I think that's a real misconception of what public housing is, is that it's not just for people who are receiving, you know, a benefit from the government, you know, it's for low-income earners, it's for people who have jobs.
In Batoota, do you have a mix here? We do have a mix, there's a bit of contention now because there's a chunk of public housing down on the water there at Batoota Grove, and, you know, it's always been there, and the mayor's trying to sell it off. Greed.
It's an interesting thing though, because, you know, you look at Melbourne's kept their flats, you know, they're all everywhere, even though Dan Andrews kind of locked them in there and was sending them expired rice and bikis during that second wave, they still get to live there, you know what I mean? They still get to live in the city. They might not be treated with the same egalitarian kind of, you know, respect that you were talking about from your upbringing within the community, but they're still there. You mentioned that lady in the top of the Sirius building who ended up at the back of Bourke. Where are these families gone, for the most part? Redfern, all these traditional kind of communities, inner-city communities of low-income and vulnerable people, where are they ending up? Because, you know, the services stay in the city.
Yeah, well, they're just being pushed out. And it's a problem though. The whole government rhetoric was an hour or more.
And when you've grown up in a community, there's one bloke I remember down at Millers Point, he had a note pushed under his door. He lived in this house for over 80 years. I think he was 82 years old, he was born there. Had a note put under his door saying basically you're out, we're flogging your home. And he'd done everything for it. He painted it, he lived in it, he was an old wharfie.
And just terrible for him just to treat someone with that lack of respect. And for him, you take someone out of the community, be like taking someone from Batuta and putting them in Marrickville, the culture shock would be through there. Yeah, it'd be rattling if that was how it ended up. Tell us though, you know, with this kind of social cleansing that we see, why hasn't anyone really put their head in it? Has something happened to the working class where they now lack the organisation that saved Woolloomooloo? Well, I think modern politics makes it more difficult.
And of course, it was the election of Whitlam that saved Woolloomooloo, saved the Gleevers state, saved Piermont and Oldhamo. Without that, it wouldn't have occurred. And without my old mentor, Tom Uren, did that. Made an enormous difference.
When I was a kid, the first campaign I was involved with, I was about 12, 13 years old, the Tories basically got control of the Sydney City Council and they wanted to flog off all the housing. Oh, local government shouldn't be involved in housing. And we won that fight. We had a rent strike. We went around, I was a kid, went around and collected a petition and had a big campaign around Glebe, around Chippendale and Camperdown where I grew up and all around the inner city. And we changed the government, basically. We changed the City Council and people like Robert Tickner and others came onto the council.
And the good thing is that we had a six month rent strike and the new Labor Council wrote off all the debts. So all those people who'd scabbed on the strike missed out on getting their rent free homes for six months. So it was, it was doubly good. We rewarded solidarity.
Now, one thing I just want to move on to is that, you know, one of the real pathways for young people to succeed in life is through education. And certainly under this government, we've seen a lot of imbalance when it comes to education spending. Like, say, for example, in down south in New South Wales, the top four schools in that state have spent as much money on capital projects as the bottom 1800. You know, where does Labor kind of stand on where the money should be going for schools? Well, we support the principle of need. There's nothing wrong with funding, you know, your local Catholic school system or schools that need it. But it's public education that takes all comers, that looks after people. And I've got to say, you know, when I look around my electorate, you know, there's a couple of schools that have done incredibly well, struggle with, you know, indoor and outdoor swimming pools and the best facilities, while other kids are struggling to get any basic opportunities in life. And you should make sure that you value every kid from the very beginning, which is why we have a big childcare policy, early childhood education. If you want to value bang for your buck, then zero to five is when more than 90% of brain development occurs. So if you invest in those early years, you'll make a big difference in terms of the success of children when they go into primary school and high school as well. But we need to value education more.
You look at TAFE's been devastated by this government, three billion dollars ripped out. And you look at the university sector that became so reliant upon international students that they're stuffed now that the international students aren't coming in.
I've got my son is at an institution at uni. He hasn't been on the campus for 18 months. What's he studying? Political science? Oh, he's doing all sorts of stuff.
And I bet he's still being charged the full whack too. Been charged the full whack and without any of the experience.
I've gone to uni. I mean, I look back on my uni years as being fantastic, not just in terms of what I learned out of books, but you learn a lot about life. You're mixed with different people. You know, I hadn't met anyone who played or supported rugby union before I went to uni.
No, I never saw anyone with a nose ring. Well, that's right. Although nose rings weren't big when I was at uni, I've got to say. Septum piercings.
You mentioned before on the same topic of kind of different ideas of education, zero to five. How much would it cost to implement those years, childcare, infancy into the school system and run it that way? Well, our system will cost literally $6.7 billion to be precise over four years. What that would do is to basically subsidise 90% for most people, as well as removing any limit, any cap on childcare subsidy, the payments that you can get back.
But that's sort of stage one. The second is to move towards that being universal across the board. We want to make sure that that's working and to adjust it in our first term, to have a review of it. But it does make sense. You do get money back.
All the research shows that every dollar you put into childcare or early learning, you get $2 back in terms of boost to the economy, boost to productivity. Mums, dads. Women can, largely as women do most of the heavy lifting in that area, they can stay in the workforce. They can be more productive rather than going in or out. Makes a big difference to them, to their businesses, to their super, all of that, as well as helping children. So good for the economy, good for families, good for children.
It's a no boner.
Well, it seems like when the primary carer does go back to work, usually it's only to pay for childcare. Yes, that's right. Well, in some cases, there's examples whereby it actually costs them to go back, particularly to go back or to work a fourth or a fifth day. So once you reach that point of where the cap is and where the subsidy, it's just not worth it at the moment. And that's a crazy situation whereby they feel as well. I must feel pretty tough going to work and knowing that you're working basically for nothing. Most people don't work for nothing. They actually want an income out of it.
And that's why it makes no sense, the system that's there at the moment. And the government, when we came out with our policy, of course, they rubbished it. They said, oh, it's nonsense. But they admitted it by the fact that they did some move.
They did a move that cost $1.7 billion over four years, but they say it'll add $1.5 billion to the economy. So if you do every year, so if you do a little bit and it helps the economy, guess what? If you do a lot, it'll help the economy a lot.
It's not rocket science. So I think they've undermined their own argument. So you think, just kind of moving on to small business, do you think that the federal government's cutting your grass a bit by essentially stealing that policy and your policy to help out small brewers in the fact that, you know, you would have quite a large proportion of small brewers down in Grayndler?
Oh, we sure do. We're up to 16 small brewers. 16. And of course, they know. Geez, the wettest electorate in the land. It's a fun place. Every one of them knows.
If they serve you for free, they might get some tax exemptions. Yeah, but you've just got, you know. They don't even need to do that. Governments just basically come out now and they go like, oh, you know. This government sat around. They were doing the budget. They sat around and gone, righto.
Where have we buggered things up? Righto. Child care's a mess. We'll do something there.
Aged care, we've got an internet report titled Neglect. Half the people in aged care, literally, residents have been shown to be starving. They don't have enough nutrition, according to the report. Literally, they're starving.
I better do something about that. Breweries. Albo run this campaign on giving a leg up or removing the disadvantage for small brewers. He'll probably do it. So we better do something about that tick.
Everyone knows why they did it, you know. So we ran a campaign. I had a petition. We had motions in parliament, campaigned on it. And it's fantastic. I don't care who does it. The important thing is that it's done. And it's something that we campaigned strongly on.
Because there are small brewers, not just in my electorate, but, you know, Petuta Bitter, small brewer. There's small brewers in every country town now. And it's a great thing because they employ locals. They use local suppliers. And during COVID, many of them did very well. Because people...
What are they called? What are those big bottles called?
A growler. Send growlers around on the back of a truck. A growler.
Here's a little fact for you. They can't make enough growlers. At the moment in Australia. There's a shortage. It's a crisis. Because everyone was going in and getting their growlers refilled at their local craft brewers. And isn't that a good thing? The quality. They have less preservatives and all that stuff as well. I do have a problem with fruit in beer, but that's a hold. That's a very controversial issue. That's the owner IPA. I've got it.
It's just wrong. It's wrong.
And if I'm Prime Minister, it will be illegal. He's an exclusive on Betuda Advocate. The brewer's got to take the good and the bad with you. We will outlaw fruit in beer. You can cry in your brand new Hilux that you got from your tax cuts.
You made it clear you're committed to helping out small businesses. Can you tell us why then does Morrison and the other mob do so well? It appeals so well to small businesses. Particularly in Electra, it's where probably a lot of the people are working in small business.
What's going on there? Where does Labor miss out there?
I think one of the things that Morrison appeals to, or that the Libs have historically, they say they're the party of small business. The truth is they're not. They're the party of very big business and their mates. Their rhetoric is that they're pro small business. But you look at what they actually do in practice. They do nothing to help small business. Small business struggles. They help big monopolies. They never stand up for the little guy or the little person. And it's a matter of us getting that message out there to people that we are very pro small business.
This week I launched a report that we've done of our multicultural task force looking at a migrant in Australia is twice as more likely to start a small business as someone who's born here. And for a whole lot of those communities, they don't have information in their language. They don't know what support from the government's available to them. So we launched this week a report of which the major recommendation was to provide a specific body to look at instead of the, basically the nice enterprise scheme that said a support small business set up a separate group aimed at multicultural communities. And an example of how the government gets it wrong is during COVID using Google translate and just getting it wrong. The information that was going out to those communities.
Labor, back to the reputations, you said the Libs have a reputation for being the small business party. Labor does have a reputation for bowing to the inner city rhetoric. That has happened with energy policy. One that comes to mind and in fact, every time we go, wherever some sort of ag show or ag event, tell us to light you mob up about one particular decision that has still got permeating effects in agriculture, which was the live export ban. How do you combat that within your own ranks?
Cause that was actually a fold and a concede to an issue that was, it was the classic, it was the greyhounds, the same thing. It was the four corners. It was orchestrated by the bloody ABC. That's what it was.
Always broadcasting communism. Yeah. The Bolshevik channel. Australian Bolshevik channel.
How can you ensure regional Australians who might even vote for you? They're voting for the shooters and fishers. They might even vote for you. How do you tell them that you're not going to bow to some blue haired campaign?
Well, I think by just showing that that's the case. The live cattle ban of course was in a context whereby there were problems in the industry. But it's a matter of working with the industry to get appropriate changes. I mean, one of the things that we should be doing here, great example whereby they don't actually help add to jobs is how do we value add from resources here that would boost regional towns? Meatworks here are really struggling. We should be doing more. How do we export meat rather than just live cattle? You do that by antagonising agriculture's biggest trading partner.
Yeah. Well, that hasn't gone real well, has it? No, you know, but yeah. Who knew if you went up to the... That's the policy of the government, it seems. Yeah.
You've got all these people out there on the land now. Combating everything from drought to mouses and now they haven't got a buyer. Yeah, no. Well, they're doing it tough and it's about recognising it. When I was the water spokesperson, I was out and about in every regional town in Australia talking with farmers and agricultural producers. It's a matter of sitting down with them, showing that we're interested in their jobs, their communities.
One of the things that I think we have an incredible opportunity to do here in this country is to not just dig up resources, send them overseas, wait for someone else to manufacture them and then bring them back at much higher value. How do we, at every single opportunity, have a look at, okay, how can we value add? How can we add to jobs and manufacturing here?
We should be the renewable energy superpower of the world. Now, people speak about how renewables is in a city. Well, I'll tell you the best tour I've had with renewables is with a friend of this station, my mate Bob Catter.
And we went out, we were in a little plane, spending eight hours on a little plane with Bob Catter is an interesting experience, let me tell you. A lot of people in North Queensland had to sit next to him in the exit road. Don't worry about that. No, this was a very little plane. The whole plane was an exit road. Yeah. There are only half a dozen on it.
He was up there, up the front, looking for Hell's Gate. Damn, looking for the spot, trying to tell the pilot where it was.
But in Heuenden, we had a look at Kidston, which is a project of an old mine that's been turned into a hydro project with battery. We look at Big Kennedy and Little Kennedy wind farms. Galilee Basin railroads.
It was just terrific. And it's about jobs there that have been created. And Bob Catter gets that. And many people, if they sort of see it as being about the regions versus the city, then that's the wrong way to look at it. You've got to look at it. How do we as a nation advance? And included in that is how we maximize jobs in our regions outside of the big cities. I want more people to live around Petuta. Well, once upon a time, there was a Department of Decentralization in Parliament House. They did a lot. And you can still see the mark they left on the country to this day.
You look at the Akubra factory and warehouses up there in Kempsey. You look at the Oak Milk up there in Raymond Terrace. Even all the way up to Bundaberg Rum. The towns would have their own little industry. Have you been to the Bundy Rum Factory?
Yes, we have. They've got a few special drops that they only serve in there. It's a tough world. You can get an Albo-Berg Rum. Oh, really? As well.
Made by yourself truly. They'll have the recipe there. I was up there and it was pretty early in the morning, relatively, about 11 o'clock. And they get you to make your own rum with different portions. And they give you these little buttery shot glasses full of rum. You've got to have the tasting and do all that.
No one told me you were supposed to spit it out. Oh, right. So it was 11 o'clock. Had to go speak to some sugarcane farmers after that. I was in trouble. I was in trouble by 11.30, let me tell you.
A little lie down in the comm car. But it was a pretty good trip. So just back to renewables, mate. Away from rum.
You know a lot of things. You're privy to a lot of information that, you know, the lay person isn't privy to.
Why is the government building a gas-powered power plant in the Hunter Valley? If people like AGL and Origin say, we'd rather do something else to maximise the returns for our shareholders? That's the big question, isn't it? Why?
Of course, it's not their money. It's your listeners' money. It's taxpayers' money.
If it added up, they would release the business case. Simple as that. So nothing wrong with any new project as long as it stacks up. But if it stacked up, it'd be happening. You wouldn't need taxpayers to do it. Do you think it would pass, you know, the SNF test from perhaps a federal ICAC?
Well, there's some interesting land arrangements have happened up there. And I think there'll be a bit more to follow on that. You could follow that trail. Well, you know, just a little bit further up over the Great Dividing Range, you know, on that road to Mudgee, you know, we did see the downfall of a lot of New South Wales politicians, you know, so maybe there's something in that. And there's a few people in what's now the New South Wales Liberal Government hit the fence in the previous term as well, associated with donations. Some of the names keep popping up. There's going to have to have a politician's wing out there in Coomar, the low security.
Well, look, in the full scheme of things, you know, the whole gambit of what we've seen in the past 12 months, do you think that Barry O'Farrell was hard done by? Well, I think the problem was that he got pinged for not telling the truth.
That's what he got pinged for with his bottle of grains. I tell you what, someone gives me a 40-year-old bottle of grains, I'll remember it.
Yeah, just saying, just saying. But there won't be much evidence of it within a couple of days. It'll be gone, it'll be gone. Straight into the spag ball.
Yeah, he cleaned the boat with it. Now, tell us, back to that idea of decentralization, those businesses that thrive in regional towns to this day are still there. Nowadays, those businesses will be put in the back of Logan, put in the back of Western Sydney, and driven through an entire city to get to an airport or a port. We've got ports in the Amber, we've got ports in Newcastle, we've got all kinds of avenues to get produce out of Australia and onto boats.
Why isn't this something? Everyone's talking decentralization and COVID, but when they say that, they mean everyone should move to Byron. They don't mean let's get jobs in small towns. They don't mean, you know, back in the day, it was almost free land to set up there. That's silly, isn't it?
Byron has its role. Where else can you have the fun that you can have in Byron spotting celebrities?
But, you know, we need to grow jobs and manufacturing in our towns. Like we went to on the road trip we did when we visited the Bundy Rum Factory. Just after we were there, we ended up in Maryborough.
You have a look there, down at EDI, building trains. The first thing they've had to do is to retrofit the trains that we bought from overseas that didn't fit and not fit for purpose. It's like the ferries in Sydney they bought that can't fit under the bridges on the Parramatta River. They decapitate people who are sitting on the top deck. And the trains too that were too big for the tunnels in the Blue Mountains. Too big and didn't fit the stations. Every time we've bought this stuff overseas, it's had to be retrofitted. And it's happening there. I was in Newcastle a couple of months ago. The big freight trains there getting cut and rebuilt because they're the wrong size for the tracks there.
Like it's just nutty. We can produce things here. In Queensland, they're doing it.
And in Maryborough, the fellow who's the local MP there, he won on primaries this time around. It was held by the LNP. He won it off them just a few elections ago.
When we lost it, we got I think about, I think we got 16% of the vote. We were basically down the toilet. We ran third.
And it shows that when labour concentrates on jobs, on things that really matter to people, that sense of community. If you have a major manufacturing hub, like trains there, or the aluminium refinery in Gladstone, they want to run it with renewables. They want to build a big solar plant so they can expand it because it'll be cheaper than the way that they run at the moment. There's huge opportunities in the regions.
The only thing this government did was move a department to a McDonald's in the Northern Tablelands in Barnaby Joyce's seat. That's all they did. Well, it's all good and well to tell young people who can't afford, you know, say to buy a house in Sydney, you know, just move out into the bush, like go and move out to Dubbo. And what do you do once you're in Dubbo if there's been no investment in infrastructure? Yeah, you've got to give them a job. They won't move.
So what's Labor committed to in terms of investment in regional Australia? Oh, well, we did, when I was the Minister, I was the Minister for Infrastructure, of course, we did major investment, be it freight rail, be it the Pacific Highway, where we put all the money in for the duplication. We finished duplicating the Hume Highway, of course, in good old Queensland. We put record funding into the Bruce Highway, into the Warrigal Highway, really made a difference. Infrastructure investment, that's the thing that's disappointing about last week's budget is you got $100 billion of new spending, you got a trillion dollars of debt and nothing to show for it. No legacy, no big reform, you know, whatever our issues and we weren't perfect. When we were in government, we did fibre-based national broadband network, a lot of it in the regions is where it started. We did paid parental leave, we did the apology, we set up Infrastructure Australia and rolled out a massive upgrade to our infrastructure in our cities and in our regions. We set up Regional Development Australia to drive that economic growth.
This mob just had nothing to show for it except debt. Indian-owned coal mines.
And you know, and as you said, you're not an enemy of coal mining, but you prefer to be in our hands. You're campaigning up in Bauman there, up in Brisbane, that old sex-pest seat you have sent. You got a local Labour candidate. Hey, I can say that, it's not even alleged at this point. You're running, Labour's running pretty red hot there.
We are. What's her name? They are, aren't he? Danisha. Yeah.
Oh, I'm asking you now, as the tide turns, we look at the WA result, state election, Queensland result. Yeah, it's pretty confronting to see that WA has adopted a very, you know, Chinese- One-party state. In spite of- McMowan. Yeah, of government. Very concerning. Now, the- To be fair, there are two Libs there. The Libs have finally achieved 50-50 male, female representation.
She stood down for leadership, too. In one state, and she still couldn't win. Yeah, she still couldn't win leadership.
She's a deputy, though. Yeah, she's a deputy.
That's the good news. And he might be there for a while, that kind of result. That's a ranslide, in the scheme of things. Where do you think you're going to pick up seats? I mean, I want to hear names of seats. Bauman, you might be a start. George Christensen has resigned or been punted. Who knows what the hell's going on there? Maybe the data's not very nice for the LNP. Where are you thinking?
Do you think you can take back the red north? Oh, absolutely. And of course, the red Ted was from there. Bob Catter's hero. But we reckon seats like Leichhardt, the very far north seat.
Sorry, Warren. We launched a kiddo there. Sorry, Warren.
He's been there for a long time. A light of faith. You've got to have faith.
Yeah. How can you not vote for someone called a light of faith? Yeah. Seriously. And Warren H. said he was going to retire. Yeah.
And then he said he wasn't going to retire. And he's already retired once, and then come back.
If your heart's not in it, mate, just go do something else. Yeah. Go do something else. Yeah. Sitting on the back bench there. So you really reckon you've got the very tip? Oh, yeah. We can get there.
And in Dawson against George Christensen's gone. And maybe he can spend more time in Manila again. Didn't spend much time in his seat anyway. Similar sort of commitment to democracy.
So we think in the seat around Gladstone, we're running the mayor there, matter, he got 73% of the vote when he ran last time. He is the mayor of Gladstone. He's a terrific bloke. He's been the council 21 years. He's a real local.
And of course, in Bowman, the punters in Bowman, LNP members blew the whistle on this bloke, said this bloke's a problem. What sort of person basically is a troll against their own constituents and then goes around taking photos and doing all sorts of stuff?
And keep his job. And they're keeping him as chair of a committee, you know, so he can pick up 14K on top of his salary. And we'll continue to raise that issue. He's a real weirdo. We're trying to remain bipartisan here. But we have to say, Laming is one of the real creeps in parliament who's managed to be there quite a while now. He has indeed. He's been kept there by them.
And the good punters of Bowman, I don't think will reward them for it.
We launched and announced our candidate there outside his electorate office, just to be clear. There was a good demo there a couple of weeks ago. Penny Wong went up and spoke. Andrew Laming sat across the road in a coffee shop, you know, taking notes. Taking photos.
Very, very, very, very strange dude. But he still sits in the government party room.
Like, what do you got to do? What have you got to do?
So I think they got a problem there. And then, you know, right across the country in New South Wales, we think we're a show in the seat next to me at Reed. And in Robertson on the Central Coast, and perhaps a couple of others over in Hughes. You reckon you got a chance? Well, Hughes could be very interesting, because Craig Kelly, who of course, they didn't kick him out either.
He had to go. That's how bad it is. He tried hard to get kicked out, and they wouldn't do it. So we had to leave him.
He only moved to the crossbench, so he didn't have to keep getting called into Morrison's office. Yeah. He doesn't have to go and vote anymore. So he's just like, ring, ring, ring, ring.
No, he still votes for them. He still votes for them.
That's the deal. I think that he's done. But he says he's going to run as an independent.
So anything could happen there, in a sort of three or four-cornered contest. What about Porter's old seat over there? That's a marginal seat in itself.
He's still in the cabinet, but he's the minister for being a trappist monk. He hasn't spoken. He can't do a media interview. He's sitting there collecting a cabinet minister's salary. And not doing his job. Well, it is pretty hard in this country to hold power to account without the threat of A, losing your job, or B, getting sued.
That's right. And he's made the courageous decision to take legal action, which means that all the things that he said he wanted to avoid, in terms of having an inquiry, guess what? They're all going to be brought up. They're de facto inquiry. Yeah. I mean, he's in a marginal seat, technically, over there. And he's in a state that's obviously been painted red. Yeah, I don't think he'll be running. That's my prediction. Yeah. Heard it here first, exclusive.
You reckon he'll get a job at the IPA or something like that? Oh, he'll get something. He'll get back to the bar, mate. He'll be fine. Back to the bar. He'll get something.
Yeah, he can talk about the law. Well, yeah, he's well versed in it nowadays.
We'll finish up now with one question, speaking of regional Queensland. This family from Biloela, how many years now is it on Christmas Island? It was two years on Christmas Island. It'll be four or five years. Yeah, $100 or so million.
Since the dawn raids, it almost sounds like, you know, It's just a disgrace. 1960s New Zealand, they pulled them out of bed. 5 AM in the morning, because, you know, little kids, two little kids, their little daughters weren't a threat to anybody.
And Priya, the mum, I've been to Bilo. I talked to the community there. That's not a medium myth either. That's not a medium myth that they want that family home. Oh, absolutely. I sat down there with members of the local council and members of the local community. They want them there.
Nada's, the father, worked at local meat works. They can't get people to work in the local meat works.
They're getting people in on temporary visas. These people are part of the bloody community. The mum volunteered for local charities and helped out, and was really a part of the local community. The two little girls were born there. They want to live in regional Queensland for goodness sake. We are spending tens of millions of dollars to lock up these people. And frankly, they're exactly the sort of migrants that we want here. People who are working hard, they're part of the community, they're committed to Australia, they're daughters.
It's just outrageous that the government is prepared to use human beings for political purposes. I just think it's a disgrace. Well, earlier this week, you know, the government and Labor, ushered through those changes to the Migration Act that made it legal, really, for the government after they turned down an asylum claim to basically tell people to go or hold them indefinitely. Yeah, that was something very specific, though. There's been a lot of misreporting about that, to be clear. And people should have a look at Christina Keneally's speech there. That's about people who might be considered to be a threat to safety or what have you. And the court found, basically, that they would have to be released. Right. Now, if you think back, of course, the Christchurch massacre was an Australian people, you know, not everyone in society wants to do the right thing. In the country they arrived in. Exactly. And there are some people who you don't want just wandering around the community. And if someone like that was let out and there was an incident, it would completely undermine support that's out there in the broader community from your listeners in Batuta or wherever people are listening throughout this great country to this program. It would completely undermine our immigration and our refugee system if we did that. So they were the facts of what happened. This isn't about, you know, an abattoir worker. No, it's not about that at all. This is a specific national security issue arising from a particular case and something that needed to be fixed because either that or they would have to be refouled. That is sent back to their country or from Iran or somewhere that they'd been persecuted, sent back there. And that was the other option. So what this will enable is for them to be detained until such time as a third country of settlement can be found for them. But, you know, it's a difficult issue, but it's a real world one. And one that has been misreported substantially about what it is.
So I'm glad that Batuta we've been able to set the record straight. And hopefully those people at the Guardian are bloody listening. Yeah, that's right. Last question. What are your thoughts on the NRL's new rules banning high shots? I think it's a good thing. But some of it can be taken a bit too far, I think. I think Jaden Sewer taken out a shark. Yeah, it was a bit of a love tap, really.
And did Latrell Mitchell deserve four weeks? Come on. He deserved something. Well, I've got one more and this is... He deserved something, but not four weeks, for goodness sake. Yeah, he has vested interests in that judiciary. I do. Latrell listens to this show. I'm backing you, Latrell. One more.
Do you think that Souths did Adam Reynolds dirty? Well, see Souths have a salary cap. They do. Not like the Roosters who have a salary sombrero.
Yep. Right? So we can't cheat. No.
Salary's a beach umbrella. It just shows... Going to play games of Skins at the Oz with Uncle Nick, you know.
We wanted to keep. We wanted to keep Adam and, you know, Adam wanted to stay.
Yeah. But that's what you've got to do. You've got to bring people through.
He hurts though. He grew up on Pitt Street. He's a Redfern boy. He's probably got a rabbit tattooed on him somewhere. It hurts big time.
Well, you wouldn't know.
I've got to say I had a chat with Adam on Saturday night and said I was sorry to see him go and thanked him. He's been great for the mighty Cardinal of Myrtle. But I wish him well in Brisbane. Brisbane, I saw them play. Great opportunity for him to play some great footy. He'll be up there with Wayne next year. So hopefully... Well, there's no doubt he'll be the best player the Broncos have got.
Because they were crap Friday night. Let's face it. There they were in front of their home crowd. And I was there with your Premier, Palaszczuk. And yeah, she was a bit sad. Should be hurting.
Yeah, everyone up there is. That's why rugby union is starting to lift in Queensland. Because the Broncos are doing so shit. And pigs are flying, mate.
So there you go. Mr. Ebeneezy, thank you for your time. Good to be with you as always. Yeah, it was a great yarn.
And let's see how you go when the Prime Minister calls the election in July 2025. I reckon he'll finally call it. Oh mate, I reckon we're going in October, November. What's your predictions on that?
March 3. 2022.
You heard it here first. So all the fossil fuel lobbyists out there, get your kiddies ready. Because it's go time. Yeah. |
ClickHole | learn_attack_could_humans_one_day_die_on_mars | Mars, the Big Apple. For millennia, Americans have dreamed of colonizing the fourth rock from the sun. But could we actually live there?
Time to mainline the facts with me, right now, on Learn Attack!
Mars is like Earth in some ways, and very different in others. It has a color scientists call red, which is actually a combination of the colors white and dark red. It's half Earth's size, but only one tenth is massive, twice as big, and seven times as large. The average income is lower, the crime rate much higher, and the high atmospheric pressure is such that a sneeze lasting two seconds on Earth would last two hundred thousand seconds on Mars. Hmph. Bless you. To better visualize Mars, take two eggs and tape them together. This is Mars. Nice.
So, could we build a Martian colony? Houston, we have, well, a few problems. First, God doesn't know where Mars is. He can only see as far as here. Mars? It's all the way out here. Martian problem number two, food. While the Earth is blessed with a natural layer of Long John Silver's restaurants, Mars has almost none we could starve. Which is a big deal, since if you die on Mars, you die on Earth, too. Alas, we have no way of knowing if Martian baseball teams would play in the AL or the NL. Travel would be a nightmare either way. So could we survive on Mars?
It's not for everyone, but for anyone willing to work their ass off and pay their dues, the answer is yes. In the immortal words of Carl Sagan, if you've got the goods and you've got the attitude, you've got a shot on Mars. I've been David, and you just got attacked. |
SaturdayNightLive | el_shrinko_saturday_night_live | The following is a paid advertisement. Oh, hello.
I'm Arthur Perkins. does this always happen to you? we can't have sex. it's too big. Arthur, your penis is Huge. I hate that. Arthur Perkins, your penis is just too big. I used to deal with that all the time. girls were constantly telling me it was too big. Yeah, and I'm his friend Randy, and I had the same problem too all the time. our penises were too big. that's why we take El Shrinko.
El Shrinko is the first scientific pill that can shrink your wiener because it's too big. it's too big. If you saw our penises right now, you'd think they were really small, Like tiny. that's because El shrinko works fast. But how does it work? Not yet. Sorry. really fast. But how does it work? you just take the pill like we do, and you'll go from too big to just right. Yeah. yeah, and that's what girls prefer. so just ask them. I heard Arthur's penis used to be really big, but then I saw it and it was really small. it must have shrunk, and I like that. Arthur's friend Randy shrunk his thingy. wait, what is this for? What's that? Say it now. El Shrinko. it's pretty convincing. plus it comes in a discreet bottle that says El Shrinko. that way, if a girl's over and accidentally sees the bottle on your coffee table, she'll know that your wiener used to be way bigger until you took El Shrinko. Yeah, big wieners are for the birds. you guys talking about El Shrinko?
Get Out Of here, Derek! Get Out! |
TheOnion | Dr_Sex_Sex_House_Ep_6 | Welcome to Sex House! This is Filan getting out of control now. We had to move the rotting bananas to the kitchen, and we lost one of the bedrooms to the mold. We had a house meeting to make a list of demands. The bananas are now rotting and attracting flies. There's so many flies.
They straight get in my mouth. Can you ask for shampoo? An laxative. Erin, do you want to add anything?
I don't care about the banana rot, or the spread of the mold, or the light switch is shocking us. My mind is with the baby. What flavor protein is- Hey guys! Don't mean to horn in. Stop!
Good news, Derek! You have served your time in sex jail, so we are letting you out of those shackles Free of charge! I know there's some other game being played here, but I can't figure out what it is. Freedom feels good, doesn't it?
We have some things to say before we participate in this show anymore. We want someone to take away the trash, the mold, and the flies. We want regular food deliveries, not bananas. We want no more air horns, and we don't want to be coerced into any more sex acts.
If you guys up the sex quotient in the house a little bit, then maybe I can ask, but I'm telling you, if things don't get better around here, it's- Stop! Hey guys, so the producers are all really serious about making sure you guys are happy so that you can have hot sex, and the show can be a big success. They've determined that these frogs are a cost-effective solution to the fly problem. In addition, you're all going to get to see a therapist today, but in exchange, they're asking you to play sexy, oily Twister. They just really want to know that you're going to meet them halfway. I'm not playing Twister. Okay Erin, that's fine. You know what? You can see the therapist first. She's in the bedroom.
They didn't give us anything we wanted, but I was too tired from being shackled to say anything. As soon as I saw our sessions were being filmed, I knew not to trust it.
Have you had sex since your pregnancy? No. You should. Love making to orgasm increases blood flow to the baby, which should be your priority. My prescription is that you need to become intimate with someone tonight.
All right, everyone's getting nice and lubed up. Look, are we ready? Here we go. And now for the next team, left hand, green.
Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, my ankle keeps slipping on the oil. Right foot, blue. Oh, God. That's disgusting. Oh my God. I slipped, all right?
Can we do something about the frogs? No time. Get some more oil on yourselves and get back in the game. More oil, people. There's a bucket right there. Go ahead. There's a dead one in here, too. Frogs will die. You have many more. Oil, please.
The therapist wanted to see me and Jay together so we could work through our sexual issues. We don't want to have sex with each other. That's just our choice. Well, I think you need to have sex to clear your mind enough to realize you need to have sex. It's kind of a catch 22 we see all the time. You can't trick us into having sex.
Well, if I started to give Jay a hand job, would you at least finish it? Fuck you. We avoided touching as much as we could during Twister. We tried to make sure it wasn't a sexy thing. Right hand, green. Sorry, I didn't mean to touch your breast.
Frank, will you just go see the therapist? You are terrible at this game. Left foot, green. The therapist suggested we role play with her playing my wife.
That way I could apologize. I'm sorry. I'd do anything to take it back. Stop. I feel like I'm such a... Frank, I forgive you.
I love you no matter what. I always will. Do you remember our wedding night? It was the best night of my life. I will always love you like I did that night. I will never stop loving you.
You won't? How could I?
I'm your wife. We knew the therapist would try and trick us, but we didn't realize she was actually a fraud. For entertainment purposes only, that means it's okay. Oh, thank you for loving me.
How could you think giving us a phony therapist would be okay? I didn't even talk to her, so how could I know? We ran to the bedroom to make sure Frank knew the therapist wasn't real. Where's that fake therapist?
Ew, Frank! Oh, no. Try keeping your dick in your pants for just five minutes. Did anyone else have sex with the therapist besides Frank? Everything I've done in this house has been a horrible mistake. On a naughty new sex house. Congratulations, Frank. The therapist is pregnant. Oh, my God. No.
Come on, bro. You can pull that shit out. I took Alex upstairs so we could experience each other's bodies. Hey, guys. I like holes. He distributes positive feelings. |
cracked | modern_video_games_should_rip_off_these_classic_mechanics_feat_hard_drive_yboc | Hello there nerds, I'm Dr. Jordan and I'm a doctor did I leave the zoom on I'm dr Jeremy from hard drive hospital and my specialty is video game fan rage That is not a real. There's a crisis going on and the gamers. They're upset. Okay. Well, I was going is I'm using this microscope to find the flaws and this games mechanics to see what got everyone so worked up in the first place Are you actually in a hospital?
It's too small. You can't find it. I don't I don't understand.
Dr. Boss said you needed help on a case I think it was like some sort of Dr. House thing Well, we were gonna do another episode of your brain on crack the show where I usually talk about moves by YouTube's gaming channels Historically doing much better than movie channels. I like to think of it as the only show on crack that chooses its topics to live Glad you finally sold out Why don't you just show me what you have already? Okay. Well, I I guess I could diagnose Right. Well, nobody can play every single video game in existence. Believe me.
I played like seven call of duty But maybe if game designers played other developers games more often, they didn't counter some mechanics They could steal for themselves and for me and for us Like all remotely playable old Xbox games red faction gorilla was re-released and remarstered Nice joke for those that don't remember red faction gorilla is the explodeiest video game ever created Every single in-game structure is fully truly destructible. Of course when things aren't actively on fire There's basically no joy to be had as the enemy AI is moronic and the shooting sections are less exciting than running through your local Grocery store making pew-pew sounds at the elderly. I don't need a remaster of this game I need other games to steal what was so special about it Dan said they take everything Sure mercenaries and a handful of battlefields tell their powerful destruction engines But in mercenaries dropping enough bombs on a building eventually sparks a pre scripted Oh, I'm totally exploding now animation where in plumes of spoke obscure the game swapping out the freestanding building graphic for like a burned-out Husk of Wendy's graphic. It's nothing more than a glorified cutscene I'm used to people trying to kill me, but this is something personal But in red faction buildings are actively destroyed brick by beautiful brick in a way that makes sense Players are provided an assortment of weapons including a big-ass hammer and tasked with flattening every government building on Mars The hook is that buildings collapse when they're structurally unsound not just when their health points are fully depleted or whatever Smashing out a load-bearing wall causes the public library to realistically crumble under the strain and it'll take out any other nearby buildings on Its way down. It's like the world's sexiest most dangerous game of Dominoes That was like a decade and an entire console generation ago And I'm still waiting for something similar hell even the sequel red faction Armageddon Forgot we made the first game great by removing their wide-open setting and unlimited destruction and moving the action underground Where you mostly just mash pipes?
Unsurprisingly that decision killed the series the publisher and my zest for love making they'll be back If a sweaty Alex Jones lurched into your living room and puked up three cans of alphabet soup It'd probably spell something similar to psyops the mind gate conspiracy Honestly that projectile vomiting would probably be more enticing than most of the actual game as it's a pretty typical bald dude has special powers and a gun Except it also lets you transform nearly every inanimate object into a friggin surfboard Yeah, what separates psyops from other superhero games with telekinesis type powers is the ability to climb on top of objects prior to chucking them Some dude's head and then surfing them like Bodhi catching that one final wave Except your board is a barrel of gasoline and the wave is 15 remarkably flammable security guards Even more shockingly the mechanics are practically effortless After a couple of tries flying around on a table and chain gunning bad guys into pace is about as intuitive as landing a basic Grind in Tony Hawk. Why haven't Star Wars games stolen this idea? I think how badass force unleashed your Jedi Knight would be with midair lightsaber battles between Sith surfing on back to containers or dead stormtroopers Tell me that's not more exciting than clumsily slashing your way through foot soldiers in Battlefront 2 hoping to eventually plays Boba Fett for like Six seconds forget games for a second What about the Star Wars movies if Taika Waititi's movie doesn't feature Mace Windu riding a floating trabac into battle And I will gladly pony up 200 million dollars of my own for a fan remake Okay, like what remember how in Halo 2 if you got a gun you could just start like shooting the hell out of people like That was so sick, man, that should be in every video game almost every game already has guns Oh, I'm sorry, mr. Video game opinions police officer.
Please don't do a brutality on me.
What? I feel like let Kirby have a gun He wants one that is a terrible idea What comments man's a freaking hospital comment below if you think that Kirby should have a gun or If you agree with Jordan cuz you're a dumb piece of idiot, okay, I'm gonna move on One of my biggest gripes with modern games is the same gripe.
I have with my personal life Nobody lets me build a sprawling criminal empire That's personal sonny a couple of Grand Theft Auto games and Scarface the world's yours flirt with crime simulator elements But actually acquiring new drug fronts never feels right Building your empire either means shooting everybody and declaring yourself head criminal or performing fetch quests until a local shopkeepers agree to pay Something about picking up a dude's mail doesn't exactly scream breaking bad The only game that ever came close for me is the much malign Godfather, too And now don't get me wrong. Most of the time it's less fun than playing Donkey Kong jungle beat with Don Corleone's flappy jowls But the extorting businesses and running rackets elements are freaking fantastic Taking over a business requires selling and owner on how much they need your protection specifically protection from you smacking When intimidating an owner a gauge comes up showing just how close they are to giving in the more you threaten the more you'll earn And each owner has special weaknesses that unlock more cash Maybe they can't take a punch or maybe they don't want you smashing their product or maybe they just want somebody to talk to you About the stresses of shoemaking find out what makes them piss their pants and you're rolling in it, baby Well, you're rolling in the money not the piss I mean unless you want to and then you have the money to do that the point I'm making is this That now we have what we have always needed But if you push it too far Don't get desperate without a shotgun and try to paint their office with your brains and if you kill them You can't take over the business because there's nobody to run it It's not like I'm gonna learn how to sell shoes as your empire grows You can hire foot soldiers to fend off attacks from rival gangs and go on other missions And by the end of the game, you do truly feel like the crime king of Miami Seriously, why isn't this more integrated into other crime games? The mafia games are primarily story driven and Grand Theft Auto spent most of its development creating an accurate yoga simulator Perfect dark for the n64 was built off an upgraded GoldenEye engine, but they upped the ante by adding two boobs and way more aliens And while the majority of the games modes boiled down to shooting AI controlled bots or your friends in the face until they're dead It did have one extra magical game type that's been rarely revisited. I'm talking about counter-operative mode in Counter-operative mode one player controls agent duh agent duh as she trumps through the single-player campaign But everybody else controls low-level grunt soldiers as a normal bad guy with low health and mediocre weapons and in a questionable choice of Employment it doesn't take much to get blown away by the overpowered hero But as soon as you're killed you're immediately transferred to the body of another low-level goon and you're collectively controlling the bad guys Just one at a time and on the surface This might sound kind of lame considering that unless you're the main character You're essentially cannon fodder and like my grandma always used to say I was a race to play video games like no But in practice, it's a freaking blast No one could have predicted that the game becomes much more random and difficult for the main player since the enemies aren't any stronger But as long as you're not playing with your tween cousin who huffs gorilla glue They're much smarter Meanwhile, the other player gets to be the grunt who thwarts the hero's grand quest and it's not just the typical PvP multiplayer in an arena It's still the story of the campaign with all the twists and turns and set pieces Perfect darks mode only worked with two players But imagine this concept applied to next-gen hardware and online play Think about playing a campaign in a game like call of duty knowing that every single terrorist you dismembers Actually some 11 year old kid from Canada This means that every single playthrough of that campaign is unique And if you come back and play it a year later, you'll get a totally different experience as terrorist player tactics will have advanced You'd actually have an ultra hard mode for once That doesn't just mean that enemies are able to take 15 shotgun blasts in the face, but that they're actually smarter So those are your magical fixes for video games sell gamer boy p crash into a grocery store and pretend to like surfing I mean that feels like an oversimplification.
Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we shouldn't try to fix video games Maybe video games and other Lesser art forms are just extensions of the people who create them what they've made is who they are flaws included Why is this channel hell our entire culture so obsessed with uncovering tiny mistakes counting them in little lists and serving them up to be Consumed as content shouldn't we celebrate what a miracle it is that video games exist at all It's as miraculous as life itself if we say oh this video game is broken or this video game is stupid What we're really saying is that he is broken and she is stupid when we spend our lives talking about how fallout is glitchy What we're really trying to do is deflect from the fact that our souls are glitchy that our souls have big head mode And whatever joy we get from pointing out the flaws in video games What we're really doing is pointing out the flaws in people and that's killing us Wow, that's actually kind of poignant Also, come on, just give Kirby a gun already His hands are too small. They're little freaking knobs.
Maybe you can like absorb a gun and then he's just like a big gun He's holding two other little guns and he's got gun hands and there's he's just he's got he's his whole thing It's like four. I think four guns is how many I counted.
I don't think you're a real doctor So we're asking politicians to make gamers a protected class so we can end all discrimination Your mother and I are getting a divorce What Chainsaws don't really work like that next are just too thick When you get all the way down if we really look at ourselves when we point out that path finders hip-hop, what is path? isn't path finder a role-playing game Pathfinder D&D. Alright, maybe I'm an idiot, but I'm gonna change it Hip-box I'm gonna say oh is path finder a character Sorry, I'm being stupid hip-box path finder hip-box. Oh, I see. Okay. It's a apex legend.
I'm stupid. I'm stupid stupid |
dropout | hardly_working_high_school_dance | Hey, have you guys ever farted so hard you bled out your eyes? Jesus Christ.
Man, guys, we have fun, don't we? I can't believe it's been exactly 10 years since we all met at that high school dance. A decade of decadence. Huzzah!
You were such a nerd in high school. We all called you Dan nerd. OK, well, what about you, man? I mean, you were a complete jock. I'd rather be called Dan nerd than Jeff jock. OK, honestly, you guys, that night was the best night of my entire life.
Hello, where are we? We're revisiting that day. Haven't you ever seen a Muppet Christmas carol? Oh, shut up. There we are.
This is right when Jeff is about to kiss me. My first kiss, so pure and innocent. I'll never forget it.
Ooh, Sarah tastes like old oysters. She definitely has halitosis.
Oh my god. OK, don't worry about it. You said this was the best day of your life. OK, you're right, you're right. Oh, look, they're posting the castles to the spring musical. I got the lead in that, so move it. Oh, that's fantastic.
A typo, Gordon. You gave the lead role to that halitosis-ridden screech out because you made a typo? I'm sorry. And you put Mandy Moore in the stage crew. Look, I made a mistake. And maybe Sarah will surprise us and wow everyone. Gordon, I am mad at you, but you always know how to make me laugh. I can't believe this. What's the mistake?
I thought you were wonderful, OK? How about this? Oh, yeah, I started dancing and everyone followed my moves. That felt really good. Dan, I did it.
Now you've got to go take a dump. Rachel, I'll come with you. Testing, testing. Hey, everyone. Thanks for joining in and pretending to enjoy that unbelievably stupid dance. We have reason to believe that Sarah is the loneliest person at our school, so we appreciate you making that turd breath. Believe that she's part of the culture here, though clearly she is not. Maybe we should just head back. Sarah, listen. The past is the past, OK? You're a beautiful, talented, funny, wonderful girl, and we're all so lucky to have you in our lives. Dan, thank you. Oh, come on. |
TheOnion | christian_charity_helps_to_feed_non_gay_hungry | In regions racked with drought and famine, American charitable aid groups can mean the difference between life and death. One such organization is the Colorado-based Evangelical Covenant Church's God's Hands program. So far, this group has donated over $900,000 to help sub-Saharan Africans. Joining us now is God's Hands co-founder, Josephine Bates. Now, how did you and your church come to start God's Hands? Well, as a Christian organization, we're charged with spreading Christ's love, and we just couldn't sit by while so many non-gay Africans were dying of hunger. Millions of people are suffering, roughly 90% of whom have done nothing to deserve it.
Really commendable. But how is your organization different from other African aid groups? Well, there's one major difference.
All of the money that we collect goes directly to help feed, clothe, and provide medical care to Africans who don't have sex with members of their own gender. The church pays for all the fees. Yes, I understand, and that's a big concern for people who donate money to charities. They want to be sure their money is being used properly and not being wasted. Is there a litmus test for those entitled to receive your aid?
None at all. We don't discriminate. As long as you're not gay, we welcome you with open arms.
Yes, in this nation of plenty, we tend to forget there are people out there in need. That's right. I understand this isn't the first time your church has become involved in international charity work. Not at all. We help non-Muslims in Indonesia rebuild their homes after the devastating earthquake, and in 2005, we provided aid for pro-life victims of the Guatemalan floods. Yes, it's all about spreading the goodwill, isn't it, whether in Europe or wherever. I want to thank you for joining us today, Ms. Bates, and for this inspiring interview. |
dropout | it_s_hard_to_make_friends_as_an_adult | Emily? You must be Si. Thanks for meeting me. You look different from your profile picture. Yeah, well, you know I was fully nude. Hi. Who are you? Oh, this is my boyfriend.
Oh no, is this like a weird sex experiment? No, no, no. No, no. We just want to be your friend. This whole date was just a means to entrap you. Yeah, we troll dating apps and lure people into hanging out with us.
So, what's your deal, man? What makes you tick? Tell me about Zach. Are you like a baseball fan?
Basketball. Shooting hoops.
Oh, I can see that long fingers. I'm sorry, do you think I'm just going to sit here and chat with you? Wait, wait, wait, wait. We did what we had to, okay? I told friendship is hard. Yeah. I mean, as you get older, real life gets in the way.
People get married, and you stop talking. Because you don't want to have to buy them a wedding gift. They have babies, and then you just never see each other anymore. Because you don't want to have to hold their weird little stomach aliens. It's like when are people going to stop buying homes and get back to spending their money drinking with us?
Yeah. It sounds like you guys are just assholes. Wow. Weird way to start a friendship. Name calling? Wait, wait.
You lured me here. You used the word lure. Um, no. I said in trap, he's the one who said lure. Yeah, and you know who else lures people, Zach? Chris Hansen. And he catches pedophiles. But pedophiles lure people first. I mean, luring overall is a bad thing.
Okay, that's actually a really good point. Yeah, you are smart. And that's why we value our friendship. I already have friends. What I don't have is a date or the $10 I wasted valuing my car. You already have friends.
Perfect. We'll just hop into your squad. No. Alright. I see we got off on the wrong foot. So let's just do a hard reset. Okay.
What are you? Hey, you must be Zach. Hi! Hey guys, thanks for watching. Tune in every week as Hot Date gets hotter.
Nope, nope, nope. Please stab at the shirt. Oh, okay. |
dropout | how_far_would_you_go_for_science | Hi there, I'm Premier Online Content Goblin Jake Young, and this is What the Facts, our companion show to the disgusting and fascinating animated series, WTF 101. This week's episode, we're covering the topic of self-experimentation and kind of trying to discover where the line is between gaining knowledge and destroying your physical body. To help us out, we've enlisted the help of an expert. He is a cultural studies professor and an author, and he has his own experiences with trial and error and kind of pushing his own body to the limits.
Will Brooker. Will, how are you doing? I'm doing very well. Thanks for having me.
I think the main thing, the biggest experiment that you personally went on was you tried to live for a year as David Bowie. Yes, I did. They couldn't have gone perfectly smoothly, right? You had to have hit some road bumps. Well, yeah, David Bowie died. After that point, you know, I was kind of bad. I was still alive. David Bowie died exactly halfway through the project, which was tragic, really. It almost threw me off the rails, but I thought I had to carry on rather than abandon the project. But, you know, that was a real, that was a real blow.
So you can't foresee the effect of what you start when you're doing an experiment. You kind of have to see it through, especially in self-experimentation. The line between constructive and destructive gets blurry. Obviously, in the episode, they talk about August Beer, who injected cocaine into his spinal column and beat his lab partner senseless. How far do you think you or one of your colleagues could go in the pursuit of knowledge? Well, we would have to stay on the right side of the law.
I mean, David Bowie, so I don't know if he injected it, he said he snorted a great deal of cocaine, but it wasn't for scientific purposes. So he didn't really serve any medical benefit. So in that context, I regard beer quite favorably because at least he was trying to do some good. He was a pioneer of anaesthetics. I mean, his experiments actually worked, whereas David Bowie was just inhaling a great deal of cocaine for his own pleasure, I suppose. It did result in some great LPs, you know, he produced great work from it. And a lot of people take a lot of cocaine and give us nothing. David Bowie gave us some great art.
But I think beer is on a different level then. I regard beer quite favorably, but at least he was doing it for scientific purposes. And I think he did have positive results. So there's something to be gained, like it's not just, you know, throwing stuff at the wind, putting like if you're going to put your body on the line, it better be for something that benefits humanity. I think that's right, whether it's art or science. I mean, I understand, you know, college humor isn't called serious. So it wasn't going to be a take on what these guys have actually contributed. But I think there's another way of looking at all those cases where we can see them actually having some benefit and providing some use.
Have you witnessed like in your years in academia, witnessed someone kind of going above and beyond the line in the pursuit of knowledge at their own risk? I think I'm I'm my prime example of that. I think I think I've gone to more of an extreme than anyone else. Anyone else I've known.
I mean, I did try and live on milk and red pepper like David Bowie did in the mid 1970s. And that's quite extreme, really, isn't it? To actually make yourself thinner. That's I mean, it's definitely a project that I've I've undertaken with mixed results for art and more for just like finding affordable pants.
But I understand that's important. That's important as well.
Another story that was covered is Frederick Herschel, you know, just devouring gravel and glass and metal. It's not as extreme as milk and peppers. I'd rather I'd rather have milk and peppers actually. I haven't had milk and peppers. I'd rather have that than gravel.
But look, this guy, too, again, I understand that the animation was taking a certain take. That guy invented cellulose. He recognized the importance of cellulose flower in diet products. So he has to contribute to the modern to the modern diet industry. His name's on dozens of papers. Like he actually like it wasn't he wasn't just some guy with pica. He absolutely contributed to the human endeavor. But it had to have affected his personal life. And, you know, you had to do so much for your experiment.
Like, were there were there social consequences for what you were doing? I didn't lose any friends. I say that cautiously. I don't think I lost any friends.
I think the advantage is that, you know, being English, we have a long tradition of eccentricity and tolerating and appreciating people are a bit harmlessly odd. You know, I think in other countries, it might not flow into the same extent. But the British media treat me with the kind of amusement and interest. You know, I did have I did have a moment of international media fame. I was I was interviewed quite a lot and had my my voice, my answers translated into other languages. So it's a very interesting, interesting experience to become a kind of public property. I mean, I figured if I walk out on the street tomorrow with a lightning bolt painted on my face, like someone's at least going to like make a comment, like everyone was just kind of like, ah, neat. Good for him. Yeah, they would think you were him broadly.
So when Stubben Spirth was, you know, drowning himself in infected bile and vomit and yellow fever piss, he was trying to prove that the yellow fever was caused by just the unpleasantness of the summer heat and not and, you know, people were just stressing themselves into dying in the streets. I think it's actually mosquitoes. Yeah, it turned in the end, it was mosquito.
He had the right ideas, though, you know, he had the right idea. If people don't make mistakes, other people can't come along and build on those mistakes. You know, people have got to publish things, which are wrong for other people to come across and come along and learn from it. Right. Another thing about Stubben Spirth, he was very young, you know, I think he was 20 when he published that research, and I believe he died when he was 36. He was doing that work. He was a pretty juvenile researcher, you know, it's kind of maybe immature, maybe too keen. Within your own career, what were some like truly spectacular examples of failed experimentation that you got to bear witnesses?
You know, don't name names, it's fine. We don't want to embarrass anyone.
Well, you did have to, I mean, the cartoon, the animation did have to pick, like, four examples from last few hundred years. So the spectacular examples, and maybe a few are far between. I like those guys, because, you know, they were colorful, and they push the envelope. I think that's the kind of people we should celebrate, people who tried strange things to see what would happen. A lot of people don't do that. We remember the people who particularly pushed it, went to extremes.
What made it important that you had to experiment on yourself? Like, why didn't you create a group? Why didn't you create a blind, double blind, bowie, doppelganger study? Why did it have to be yourself? I'll tell you why, because that's the methodical way to do it, to do it to yourself. I like those guys too, the guy that injected loads of cocaine and then like, cut off his own leg, whatever he did, yeah? You know, do it yourself, because you don't reflect on other people. If you want to be prepared to do something, I think you've got to take the risks yourself.
You're in control of your own body. And so, you know, I treated my own body as a kind of as a kind of experimental site by, you know, putting on certain diets, certain substances and so on, putting through certain experiences. And then you've got part of yourself, which is kind of immersed in the project. And another part of yourself is the satellite observing. So you've got to almost keep different sides of yourself. One part of you is going through the process of like, what would it be like to have David Bowie's experiences? And the other part is taking notes and commenting on it. So you got to split yourself into different parts, the experimenter and the subject.
So we covered the ethical route. But just for the hell of it, let's go unethical for a second. Has there ever been like a grand social experiment or scientific experiment you've ever wanted to run? Like say you could get half the world to participate in something? Like, what is something you desperately want to know? Yeah, you know what I would do?
It's happening, man. Like Thanos. Oh, you just go full Thanos? Yeah, I did. Thanos. It's either to see how humans adapt to loss on a grand scale, or just you need you just sick of the line at the post office.
The first thing. Okay, okay, the first thing. The first thing.
I'd like to see how humans adapt to that world. Yeah. Will, thank you so much once again for joining us. I really think we got, you know, a little bit inspirational this time around.
Is there any way people can follow you online or keep track of your work? Any upcoming projects we should know about? Yeah, if people want to see some online quality content, they can follow me on Twitter at Will Brooker, just my name.
And I've got a new book about David Bowie coming out in November, which is called Why Bowie Matter? It's not an academic book. It's for anyone. And it does what the title suggests. It discusses why Bowie matters to us and what we can learn from it, what we can learn from this example.
Thank you so much once again, and good luck. And thanks for the knowledge bombs that have been dropped so graciously. Thank you for having me. Well, that was enlightening and surprisingly less nauseating than I expected. Good job, Will.
Tune in next time when we're going to get traumatizingly sexual animals. And yeah, that's how we're going to phrase that. Don't forget to check out WTF 101 on dropout.tv. And until next time, hey, keep being curious. How's that for a thing? Keep being curious. |
programmersarealsohuman | using_the_internet_for_the_1st_time_recipe_websites | So this week I'm trying to plan the look and feel of the application since command line applications are not really hitting users emotions anymore I'm trying to think of something with a funky graphical user interface the gurus call this UI or UX or HX I don't know the difference between any of them, but apparently we need some graphical interaction on Our platform of course I want to write this in rust so I spent the last week Writing a webview UI in rust admittedly what Silicon Valley is good at is getting users onto their products They say it's because they have more centralized control over their UI Which is not the same in free software, but may I ask you does this look like a bad UI? All the buttons you need are visible as inspiration. I thought it's a good idea to first look at how other websites are Hailing this nowadays I Actually haven't used the internet for ages outside of Emacs, so let's start our browser Okay now that that's settled I'll go to my favorite search engine No stories What are people posting nowadays try another search engine duck duck go onion ah so this is Okay, well it's just a list of blue links with some two-phrase Descriptions there aren't any votes or anything. It's just okay state-of-the-art in search engines never go for the first one Before we get to the recipe let me explain to you Okay, and then we have some as soon these are social media buttons the pin wall and okay We're already being presented with free coupon codes.
Okay, so there's a video playing It's following us just an empty frame an awfully long image another empty frame another empty frame very nice Pop up when do we get to the recipe? Okay, this is just white. Oh, this is an image. Okay, six megabytes That's that's like a standard size of a website, and we could probably launch like 60 moon missions But I mean we have to respect the soy dev slow that for every doubling in network and hardware speed in efficiency in software quadruples So I figured out the recipe was actually on another page What is this white space on the right side for for note-taking but anyway? We get our recipe simple black on beige another reminder for posting this particular recipe from this particular author Okay, why are we presented with cars here? Oh, this is an ad okay or more social media reminders more info on the author Oh, and now we have comments great. Okay. Let's try another so this is another website I found Okay, so they want to store our data. I mean I assume to get the full experience receive a small commission at night Okay, so this is authors upfront honest. Okay, so there's a story again. I feel these ads are doubling There's some sort of mechanism that they're doubling we need to be very fast with finding the recipe I saw this one already for the third time hello hello mr.. Website Okay, this is just white space. There's Okay, this is another image or Okay, now we got the setting and we need to rush What are these things all loading we have 5g in the favelas?
This is on every website, isn't it? Is that like a web standard that that should be in every website?
What's be also these are the social media things? Okay, very important to have the social media and different parts of the screens great So there's a lot of storytelling and some ads a lot of very large images and some ads Many people actually don't know that if you have four in a row from all the rainbow colors you get a free gift I mean I get it.
It's it's like an Orchestralic piece right there needs to be a tension arc everything step by step before you get to the actual information Let's go into chow mein recipe one Okay, that we consent that their partners. I mean we cannot reject it so I mean I guess we'll have to accept it Is this enough I cannot accept it. Yeah, let me reject this one that so we have a long introduction about the Chinese word Oh, this one's nice. That is following us Innovative there's a lot of descriptions about the entire process.
Okay, these these ads kind of look disgusting Can we opt out of them? I don't want to Okay, so now we're being presented with another pop-up That caused the entire website to reprocess. So now we're back where we left off Ingrid oh, I thought this was another pop-up.
Okay, so these ads are all very diverse we have Alzheimer mental health everything great on a chow mein recipe website stay home Okay, I'm staying home. Don't worry and we have the ingredients finally. All right, this one was quick We only have the pin wall and Facebook you oh, okay, so they're hiding. Okay. What if I click on this one? Okay, so there are two pop-ups three four pop-ups really blocking us I don't Yeah, so that's black and white our recipe website Also their ads behind these loaders. Okay. I see now if you encounter any audio-visual problem of you in this video You can why should we encounter and you? Okay, so this is an ad disguised in a video, okay I'm not falling for this trap again with yellow pages by now I would have already ordered and eaten my chow mein some of these websites always have a lot of commenting or more comments Ah This one has the social media buttons twice to make sure that we really do not forget it Actually, there's another social media section here. Oh, we have a we have a shortcut jump to recipe I didn't see this but now let's do the whole experience. I mean, that's what it was designed for the internet Okay, we have our loading banners these things are I don't know if they're always loading and the images are loading bid bid request There's another bid bid request auction, what are they bidding on some trackers dynamics CSS Analyzers web workers and a speed up JS Okay, so they're loading a four megabyte script to make their two point seven one megabyte website fast Okay, that's the trailer I mean, it's just the the whole text on the story Which I don't want to read because I came for the recipe right and a lot of just white space And this one is Grandma's chop, so this one's actually different from the other ones and we're there we got our box Simple as that. Okay, these things are doubling again Okay, we not have another social media reminder and again social media reminder. This one actually one, two, three four Okay, so that's like the golden standard.
Why is there always so much white space in here? Oh wait There's actually there's actually tech Wow. Why is this text white? I mean, these are just random words And there's a lot of stuff loading here I just want five lines of text on how to make the chop so recipe but okay I mean that's part of the experience new website.
Let's see how this scores. I mean buttons. They look different We don't really see the images. They usually come in very late. They assume that we will be reading the text first Oh, this one's actually interactive I feel like all of these websites Kind of look the same the only difference is the carbs of the recipe the scrolling bar is just getting smaller and smaller I feel it will disappear at some point. Oh Is this a joke?
This time we're actually looking for an oat milk recipe. Okay, we're being asked to share all our data again Social media thinks four times. Okay. This one has that five times very handy I mean oat milk should be probably oat and milk. Okay, so we have a highlight not a pop-up Okay, we have a nice video of how to prepare it. Oh, I just fell for the trap again Okay, I mean I saw these ads before and now they're following us across websites Okay, so again upper caps social media reminder. Oh and there we go. We have our data This seems to be the golden ratio of of website design, but oh, okay Oats milk is actually water and oat why do they call it oat milk? What not oat water?
I guess if I would read the entire stories, I will figure this out and our comments. Okay and another Subscription reminder for the newsletter.
Oh, we can actually go all the way back to the top And all the way back to the bottom Why did it jump? Okay, I really want to give us a very bouncy experience in here So this seems to be the difference between UI and UX. Oh this site uses Akismet again to reduce spam I mean, I I'm not exactly sure what their definition of spam is and the ads are clearly part of the experience So, all right, this one's taking 22 seconds to load 47. Oh, why is this all going up? I mean doesn't finish me Okay, I will stop this I feel if I keep loading I'll get an email from my provider All right, it's going up.
All right, right, right. Okay, so I mean is this one doing the same? Well, this one actually terminate great.
Let's actually look at a website that is comparing recipes Okay So I found this website which is telling me that I need four gigabytes of RAM and an RTX 20 So this seems to be the requirement to participate in society nowadays. Okay, so now I am mounting another RAM stick We're actually being blocked by a lot of websites because we're using Tor so we will try to access now through vanilla Firefox I Am cool.
Okay. I'm by now. I am cool with these cookies.
There's like a whole batch of JavaScript libraries Yeah, that's what it takes to look like any other website on the internet. I mean, they're raising over 80 billion They could at least fix those gray frames. I Mean the people who read these articles are not clicking on this are they take action with Apple But we want to take action against Apple |
SaturdayNightLive | fernando_and_100_stars_saturday_night_live | Saludos, my friends, it is. I, Fernando, standing outside Historic Radio City Music Hall where tomorrow night, the night of 100 Stars is going to take place. it is totally sold out, it is so exciting, I'm crazy going nuts. I'm standing in a great cashmere coat and a towel as the red buttons gave to me. and we are going to go inside and meet some of these 100 stars. So let's go in because I'm freezing my castaness off, I'll tell you about it right now. let's be nice. If I said to you, my friends, Mr. Ma'am, closing counters of the third Kind, Tossi, Academy Award Nomination, you would probably think to yourself, Teddy Guard, and that's what I'm thinking because she's sitting here And Teddy, you look marvelous, darling. what do you feel about this whole night of 100 stars? I'm going nuts here. me too, I'm just so nervous. I'm nervous as a cat. you are nervous, but you are such a big star, darling. First of all, what is all these hairs on your sweater? was it just a long green rolling around on your body there for a while? it's from the coat I bought on sale. that is why you know that, I'll tell you that right now.
Teddy, let me ask you this, how do you prepare for a role when you play Tossi? when you play Tossi and you have to get dressed up as a man to go out and get the job, that must be very difficult to lace up and tighten things down to play that. You know, I didn't do that. I didn't dress up as a man. Justin dressed up as a woman in that movie. Did you see the movie, Tossi? Sure. it was about Roll Rivers. he dressed it up as a woman. I didn't dress up as a man.
Jack Warner once said to, i think it was by own power. Yeah. he said, stop doing that. who does not, for you, look that good. let's just dish for a while. who do you think don't look so hard? Oh, I can't say. yes, wait, off the record. no, I really can't. will you tell me later? yes, I'll tell you later. And then I'll tell them.
You look marvelous, darling. You know who this is. You know, if I said to you the name, Erica Kane, would you not crazy, go nuts, do a somersault and have a frozen yogurt that you should not have because it's so cold and you get the headache right here. Susan Ruchi, you do A fantastic talent. And of course the show with so many of you. sit there in your lawn chairs in your living room because they cannot get away is, of course, all my days of my life.
Will you say that Some of the guys say, oh, I'm going to little tongue into your mouth. Do you ever get a guy that's a little too fresh with you on this head? many times. it is a terrible problem, but I carry basic tracing with me at all times. Just put it right on. what is that? best at tracing? You must have best at tracing.
I'm from Spain. we only have, we have wild dogs. I don't know what that means. antibiotic. you just put it right on your mouth and you're suddenly germ-free. is that true? yeah. can I borrow some of that because I'm going on the road later. you don't need it.
I'll tell you that right now, but there's so much of that jerpy is going around. you have to be kind to all these folks, you know, deep down inside. when I look at you, you look marvelous, darling. you know what I mean, huh? Oh, thank you. Have you heard from, hello? can you take my picture? go ahead. thank you, darling. Who are you?
Robert Lara. Robert Lara?
What do you, are you one of the hundred stars? No, I just wandered in. you played in how many of the games that they call the Super Bowl? Super Bowl. I played in four of them. Four Super Bowl.
Is that a world record or? No, no, it's not a world record, but it's close, it's close.
What is the craziest thing people said? You know, cause I have been a fan of yours for so long, you know, and we've seen most of the movies that you have been in.
Let me answer this. was Teddy Bradshaw as dumb as people say? I don't know. And I don't, you know, this is a scoop, you know, if we get him to say something about Teddy.
I was shocked. the one said you couldn't spell cat if you spotted them in the C and the T. cause that guy's not playing football anymore. that's true. the C And, anyway, darling, the friends of Fernando saying, I've had a fantastic time at night of a hundred Stars. if you listen closely, I hear that Isaac Stern and his head Parliament are jamming. It's fantastic. these two guys get together and all the hell breaks loose. and it's been a fantastic time. I have met and spoke to some of the stars here. they are marvelous stars.
I'm so disappointed. Hal Linden said no, but what are you going to do?
And, or this, hello, this, and Margaret, and Fernando. So to play, can we talk for just a second? This is, to me the greatest of all the stars. this is an amazing thing to me. we are so nice of you to drop by and you look marvelous. I'm gonna look marvelous. this is like, my heart went to Miami to visit my mother. Let me ask you this. your best work, Viva Las Vegas. yes or no? What do you think? I love doing that.
I think that the hardest thing I ever did, the roughest was Stryka. Stryka named Desire. you worked with Mr. Treat Williams.
Yes, as a matter of fact. he was over here. Hello, Treat. No.
Well, we chatted and Anne and I both realized that it was I who indeed look marvelous. And she laid one on me right there. And I tell you, my friends, it was so exciting. Thank God I have my best trace and I'll tell you that right now. But Anne, you're a marvelous star. And after seeing all of these great stars, including Charles Branson himself, my friend, So when I approached him, as I came up to him, he said to me, die before I kill you. he's some joking guy. I'll tell you that, my friend. But after seeing these marvelous stars, I know once and for all, my friends, it is much better to look good than to feel good. you know what I'm saying? you know who you are. thank you, darling. Now, now, my friends, I want to introduce to you a marvelous comic and a good friend of ours, our own Mr. Rich Hall, right here. |
SaturdayNightLive | the_bloater_brothers_in_customs_saturday_night_live | Okay, okay people, please make sure you have your photos and you have your tickets and your Ids. So I understand you two were trying to go to Scottsdale and you have no identification. You don't recognize this.
I'm Tom Cruise and this is Brad Pitt. Yeah, and this is the Pit. so we're gonna Cruise. Can you please state your names? Well, I'm Kip Bloeder and this is my brother Wayne. So you two are brothers. We are right over here.
They're nightmares. Nightmare on Bloeder Street. Wake up and smell the rejection.
All right. All right, can it have these bags been in your possession at all times? Yes, our bags are definitely possessed. Welcome to Flight 666. this is your flight, Captain Davian. To the left side of the plane, down there you can see the raging fires of hell. and on the right. Oh, I think that's a Starbucks.
Can you please remove your shoes and put them on the table. Why are your shoes flashing? They learned it from us. We we flash all the time. I can assure you that our shoes have no bombs in unless you can't stink bombs. We don't have Id, but we do have B. Oh, oh nice outfits. You guys must suffer from chronic fatigue syndrome to bet they're not cheryl fatigue.
All right. All right. all right. all right. All right, you two clowns understand how serious airport security is.
Right now we are in a high alert situation. there is a war going on right now out there. Or huh? Good God. y'all. what is it? good for absolutely not. Say again. Good God y'all was it good for absolutely nothing. Say it again. War.
Did anyone order a pizza with extra-passed, portoroni? Oh, this would kill your mother. So, uh, fortunately, I killed her before I came down.
What are you doing in here? This is a secure area. Well, huh, this is a highly insecure area and uh, somebody needs it with a hug. Sir, who are you? Oh, uh, I'm a bomb sniffing dog and uh, you're the bomb. Oh shoot, I mean, uh, don't you? Oh thank God, you're here. tell them who we are. Oh, oh, hi. Never seen these two before in my life. Actually, I'm just getting on their dad, Kurt Bin Laden and I'll kind of like to know what's going on around here.
All right.
All right. what's going on is: between the three of you, you've managed to break 14 laws and now you're all going in to get a cavity search. Oh, I see a cavity search, Uh, what is this? somewhere inside my colon. you're the scarecrow. you're the gym. you're the guy with the big rubber glove. Hey, tell me if you find my keys up there. Hey, if you find my keys, let me know. If you find their keys, let them know. you. |
SaturdayNightLive | hot_sauce_carry_purse_saturday_night_live | Honey, they're ready. All right, you want the burger? I do. Oh, me too. you have no idea how much Reggie loves his burgers. Hey, just set me up and clear the way. where your hot sauce? Oh, hot sauce? gosh, I don't know. I think we have some salsa in the refrigerator. you ain't got no hot sauce. Debbie, baby, you hear that? they ain't got no hot sauce.
I told you we should've called before we come here. come on, damn it! But baby. come on, let's go. But baby. come on, woman, get in the car. we got to go. don't worry, baby.
I've got it all under control with my new Hot Sauce Carry Purse by Tabasco. each compartment is insulated and calibrated to keep your sauces organized and fresh. it gently carries them from wherever you are to wherever you need to go. that's right, baby. light pool parties, the office, the movie theaters, funerals and shopping, and any party thrown by white people. I'm so glad you guys brought your thingamajig. you mean my hot sauce carry purse? by Tabasco. yeah, that. And for you dudes that don't want to be caught dead carrying a purse, there's a hot sauce carrying purse for men. Oh, it's still a purse, but it's for dudes. And it has hot sauce in it, so baby, be cooking. Heat up your love, heat up your life. Heat up your burgers and fries. Hot Sauce Carry Purse. Hot Sauce Carry purse by Tabasco. available at Wilson's Leather. |
dropout | girls_vans_and_dinosaur_rides_in_the_future | Okay, David. You can do this. Ah! David, don't freak out. I'm you. From the future. I came here to tell you not to marry Lisa.
What? Why not?
You know how she's a total bridezilla now? Uh, yes. Turns out she's more of a life in general, Zilla. She's mean, she doesn't respect you, and she keeps you from achieving your dream. Of becoming a writer? Uh, we actually decide our dream is to airbrush Vans.
But that's beside the point. You can't marry this woman. Don't listen to him.
Me. Us. Who are you? I'm you from a future in which you took his advice and didn't marry Lisa. I've spent the last ten years with a lot of different women.
Uh, that sounds great. Does it, though? Do they not have doctors in the future? Ah, phew. I made it. Why? What happens in the future now? You listen to both these guys. You get married and sleep around. So don't do that? Or... No way. It's great. You never get caught. Uh, yeah. You get caught. And Lisa cuts off my arm? Ah, this? Nah. Freak van airbrushing accident. Sweet. Wait. What should I do about Lisa? Nah, I don't know. I'm just hiding out here to avoid alimony.
Hey, have they brought back the dinosaurs yet? No T-Rex rides.
David, I'm you. From the past. I came here to make sure I don't turn out to be a loser.
Well, you didn't. See? Noooooo!
You need to marry her. You can't marry her. Ruthie Cuba, get her dog. Whatever you do, don't look her in the eyes.
You need to get together, figure your stuff out. Look, I just... What do you mean no dinosaurs? Guy, I can't, um... She comes close, walk away. Uh, buddy, look, you guys are gonna have a million kids. Shut up! It seems, no matter what I do, there's something in the future I'm not happy with. And that includes my freakishly good sex change. So I'm just gonna try to make my own decisions and try to figure it out as best I can. Okay? Dammit, what do you want? Um, nothing, dude.
I just brought back tomorrow's lotto numbers. I'm gonna be rich. What are all you losers here for? |
cracked | how_you_re_about_to_lose_your_reproductive_rights | Hi again, it's me again. Cracked writer performer Katie Stoll, again.
I'm not sure if you've heard, but things have been a little crazy here in America lately. Carrie Fisher died. Russia hacked our election. Donald Trump was elected president and millions of people worldwide marched in protest of his inauguration. A Trump presidency frightens people for many different reasons, but today I am going to focus on the threats his administration poses to women's rights.
Because I myself am a lady and, I don't know, seems appropriate. I know that I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but if any of you aren't members of the choir, can you just hear me out, please? I'll be your best friend. Unfortunately, this subject matter isn't very funny. Fortunately, I've brought a bunch of fun hats to mix things up.
Ho ho! Fo! Why are women so afraid?
One thing that is being threatened by this administration is Planned Parenthood. It seems like Planned Parenthood is always under fire, mainly because of one key issue, abortion. But what a lot of people don't know is that Planned Parenthood is about so much more than abortion. Pro-lifers frequently claim that abortions make up 94% of Planned Parenthood services, but that simply isn't true. According to their website, abortions only comprise about 3% of Planned Parenthood's annual services. Now, many people criticize that number because there are several different ways you can look at data, but the truth is the actual figure is somewhere in the 3% ballpark. My point being that the bulk of Planned Parenthood's funding actually goes to providing low-cost health care to women and men throughout the country.
So what does that mean, exactly? Well, it exactly means that most of their work is providing people with access to birth control, STD testing and treatment, cancer screenings, and sexual education. You might even say that most of their services aim to reduce abortions? Yes, you would say that, because that is the truth. Well, why is all of this so important? Why, I am glad you asked that, Katie.
Outside of the fact that Republicans have vowed to defund Planned Parenthood, they have also vowed to repeal the ACA. Look, I understand that there are problems with the Affordable Care Act. I get it, and those things absolutely need to be addressed. But in terms of women's reproductive rights, the ACA has done so much to help the sister out. Not only does the ACA offer women annual cancer screenings, contraceptive coverage, and prenatal care, but it also banned gender rating, which is where insurance companies charge women more for their health coverage than men. That's right. Before the ACA, women used to pay about a billion dollars more for health care than men. It's crazy. And we stand to lose all of these things if the ACA is repealed. Which makes it even more important that places like Planned Parenthood exists. Without the ACA, women will need an affordable health care option. Our lives are literally at stake here.
Look, I understand and respect whatever your personal beliefs on abortion are. I do. But with so many things that are undeniably good about Planned Parenthood, why would we want to throw the baby out with the bathwater?
Oh god, was that joke too much? Oh wait, don't, don't, don't, don't worry. Oh, here's another hat, huh? All better know.
Let's talk about Mike Pence. Throughout his career, Mike Pence has worked against women's reproductive rights. Sure, the GOP has been against Planned Parenthood since the 70s, but what most people don't know is that Mike Pence sponsored the first bill to defund Planned Parenthood.
Yeah, that's right. This whole thing started with him. Not only that, but as governor of Indiana, he gutted their funding on a state level.
This led to the closure of Scott's County's only Planned Parenthood facility, which also happened to be its only HIV testing site. Two years later, Scott's County experienced an unprecedented HIV epidemic.
Also, our new VP is super anti-abortion rights, which I guess isn't surprising. During the campaign, he was quoted saying, I long for the day that Roe versus Wade is sent to the ash heap of history. Even though the majority of Americans currently support a women's right to choose, which is scary, because unfortunately, Trump gets to fill at least one Supreme Court vacancy. So overturning Roe versus Wade might actually be a possibility. Not only that, but on his first day in office, our dear, dear Trumpet reinstated the global gag rule, which bans US foreign aid from going to any NGO that even discusses abortion services. But hey, at least he signed the executive order surrounded exclusively by white men, because apparently, it's our body, their choice.
Okay, feels like maybe it's a good time for a new hat. Yeah? Yeah! All better!
On to the honorable Donald Trump. Look, Donald Trump scares a lot of people, but since he's already been accused of sexual assault by 12 different women, including his ex-wife and a teenager, it feels like the threat he poses to women is especially horrifying. Not only has he been accused of sexual assault, he was famously recorded as saying that he literally grabs women by the pussy. Whatever you want. Grab him by the pussy.
I mean, he f***ing admitted it. Although, it did lead to some delightful protest signs, so at least there's that. He has repeatedly shown himself to be misogynistic in the way that he talks about women. Like when he dismissed Megyn Kelly as having blood coming out of her wherever. When he called Alicia Machado, Miss Piggy. Or when he tweeted, Why is it necessary to comment on Ariana Huffington's looks? Because she's a dog who wrongfully comments on me. I know that there are many reasons that people voted for him. I do. But even if you did, can you please acknowledge that this is an aspect of his personality? Not calling it what it is, blatant misogyny, is to normalize it.
And that is what is terrifying for women. Because when the most powerful man in the country shows us that something is okay, then suddenly other people think it's okay too. But it isn't okay. Okay? Okay. And those are just the threats women face from his administration. Many states have already adopted the heartbeat bill, and the House of Representatives recently passed legislation banning tax dollars to be used on abortions. So, you know, that's not good. So, what does one do if one is worried about these things?
Well, obviously you could support Planned Parenthood, and I don't just mean by making donations in Mike Pence's name. There are all sorts of ways you can volunteer your time, like organizing events or training to teach educational workshops in high schools. You also could support the Center for Women's Reproductive Rights, which uses the law to advance reproductive freedom.
And perhaps most important, you can continue paying attention. Read reliable news sources. Follow public figures whose work you respect. We have to know when big things are happening in Congress so that we can make our voices heard. Show up to march. Call your representatives. They are here to listen.
And the crazy thing is, they actually do. Oh, look, I've got one more hat left. What a hilarious and perfect way to end this very, very, very funny video. |
TheOnion | nascar_coach_reveals_winning_strategy_drive_fast | NASCAR fans across the country are gearing up for tomorrow's Sears Classic 500, one of the biggest racing events of the year. Here to talk about some of the strategies we'll see in the race is legendary NASCAR coach Dan Ayman. Mr. Ayman, let me just say it's an honor to be speaking with you. Rarely do you get a chance to sit down with someone who knows so much about NASCAR. Tomorrow is your fifth Sears Classic.
You're coaching Curtis Rutherford. What's your plan of attack? Well, the most important point is to drive fast. Now, what's the training regimen like to get a driver prepared to go fast? Well, that's a very good question. We do a lot of training with pedals. Pushing the pedal down all the way, that's very important. Now, a lot of mistakes a lot of rookie drivers make is they only push the pedal down part way.
Well, you have some videotaping. I'd like to explain exactly what's going on here, because this is absolutely intriguing. What's happening here? Okay, well, let's take a look. All right, now pause it right here.
Now, he's turning left here. Now, if he turns left here, he'll go into this little grassy area here. Now, that's not allowed. Then if he turns right here. You got it. He's going to go into the wall here, and all the other cars behind him, they're going to pass him, and they're going to win the race, and he's going to lose. Now, that ain't good.
NASCAR tracks are circular, right? Well, that's a common misconception. They're actually ovals. Now, if they were circular, then there'd be no place on the track where they could go straight. You know, it'd just be this instead of this.
Turning left and going straight. Turning left and then going straight.
Coach, there are other cars on the track, of course. How do you handle them? What's the strategy there? Well, I always tell my drivers the same thing. I mean, look out the windshield. If you see a race car over there, don't drive into that place, because if, you know, you could hit them, and it might cause an accident.
Well, this is why you're the best. I mean, you really know your sport. Now, we have some tape here of the headset communication between you and Curtis Rutherford from last year's Sears Classic. Can we play that? That was a good one.
Coming up on the turn. Turn left. Don't turn left. I'm not turning left.
He's ready to turn, but not yet. Ready? Here he comes.
Turn left. Turning left. He's turning left. Turning left.
Okay, go straight. Straight. I'm going straight.
Go straight and go fast. I'm going fast. I'm going fast and straight. Should I keep going fast? Keep going fast. Roger, keep going fast.
Isn't it great enough? Wow, what a rare treat to get an inside glimpse into the world of NASCAR strategy. Coach, it was great to be talking with you this morning, and good luck tomorrow. Thank you, Michael. It's been a pleasure. |
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