 it? Does James want to keep his aunt in her home to save money on nursing home costs? In other words, I like James a lot, and he’s faced with major problems of love, promises and money. He squirms a bit in this story, but I think he should squirm more. Of course, if The Nature Conservancy, Sierra Club and EPA were trying to keep the land from development altogether, it would add another ethical/moral dilemma for James, especially if his aunt sides with them and jeopardizes the financial value of James’s potential inheritance.
Toward the end of the story, I became confused. For example, on page 16, when aunt Madeline says, “don’t feel bad if it doesn’t end up happening” in her phone message, it came out of the blue to me. I don’t know why she would say it, so it makes me feel I’ve missed something. However, I’ve read the story carefully and more than once, so it’s hard for me to believe I’m that dense. Am I?
Also, on page 17 when James says, “A nut case maybe — but not crazy,” it confuses me because it’s a distinction I don’t make. If you said, “Eccentric maybe—but not crazy,” I would understand it because people say rich people are eccentric and the rest of us are crazy. However, that would imply that James thinks of his family as rich, and I’m not sure you want to imply that.
On page 15, James explains how aunt Madeline passed the test of competency. However, it’s not clear how he knew such detailed information since he wasn’t there. I feel he must have gotten the information from Lauren because she was there. It would be better to have this information come out in dialogue between Lauren and James or as a scene with James there. You could somehow work into this scene the budding romance between the Lauren and James as well. This story, after all, should conclude with their marriage or at least with the reader sure that they will marry, I believe.
We are led to believe that the Oldsmobile is old and unused for many years. James tries to get Sizzler to fix it to help aunt Madeline pass her competency test. However, at the last minute, it appears that that James and everyone else’s opinion that the Oldsmobile didn’t run was incorrect. This defies ready explanation. If aunt Madeline really drove it as much as she said, then people in the small town would have seen her do it and know that the car worked. There must be a better resolution of the car problem, such as Lauren fixed it unbeknownst to James. Lauren could explain this to James on the telephone call. The point is, for this story to be believable, the car either really had to be fixed by someone or it shouldn’t be mentioned at all except perhaps that aunt Madeline’s erratic driving was another reason why people felt she needed to go into assisted living—and give up her license to drive.
On page 17, there is the following dialogue:.”
To me, it isn’t clear to whom James is talking, maybe Lauren and maybe aunt Madeline—I wasn’t sure. Although I believe Lauren is talking, and it becomes clearer later in the conversation that she is, it feels like she is talking in aunt Madeline’s voice and saying things aunt Madeline would say—almost as if you had aunt Madeline saying most of this at one time but then revised it to have Lauren say it without changing what was said. I feel you need a “Lauren said” in there at the beginning. For example:
It was four o’clock in the afternoon when I called them. Lauren answered the phone. “Miss Huntsberry’s residence,” she said.
“It’s James. How is everything?”
“Hi. Everything is peachy. How are you?”
“Peachy? How’d the interview go?”
“Great. We were going to call you earlier, but an orphaned bobcat kit was under the shed.”
Also, I believe, you should use this conversation to have Luaren explain to James what happened in her own voice, which didn’t sound eccentric like aunt Madeline’s voice until this point late in the story.
Finally, there is the last line of the story:
“I will. I owe him a favor,” the nature of which I’d never admit to anyone.
This sentence adds nothing to the story and at the same time creates a sense of dissatisfaction for the reader. Did James think the cat Luther fixed the car? If so, it’s no wonder James wouldn’t admit it to anyone. However, as the story ends, it leaves the reader wondering if Lauren and James aren’t as loony as aunt Madeline. And up to this point, there was no indication that they were.
As I mentioned above, after establishing the central external conflict that aunt Madeline needed care that she couldn’t afford and had the wherewithal to pay for only if she sold her oceanfront property to the highest bidder, the problem is not resolved. Just because she passed the competency test doesn’t mean she doesn’t need in-house care or suddenly has the money to pay for it. If James and Lauren married and they moved in with aunt Madeline, then the problem could be resolved. As it is, there is insufficient resolution.
Lingering questions: 1. Was the car broken down or not? Was it fixed just in time, and if so, how and by whom? 2. How does aunt Madeline resolve her care and financial needs without selling her property? 3. Do Lauren and James get married?
About Ed: I am starting Creative WOW as an assignment for “Writing Web 2.0: On Blogs and Blogging,” a Stanford Online Writer’s Studio course. Creative WOW will be a community of creative writers that help each other improve their writing by using the workshop process. George Talbot is a talented writer I met in another Stanford Online Writer’s Studio course I took this summer. You’ll love his story. If you think you’d find attention like this useful in revising your own short story, please send it in by clicking on the SUBMIT A STORY. If you would like to critique “Promises, Lies and Jelly Doughnuts,” please click on OFFER A CRITIQUE.
Ed’s Website/Blog: Creative WOW
[…] Ed Lebowitz’s critique of “Promises, Lies and Jelly Doughnuts” by George Talbot'; } }); /* ]]> */ […]After contacting mastitis for the 3rd time in 5 months I thought I was an expert on the topic until I read about a woman who went through 40 occurrences from 5 pregnancy’s. I think she at least deserves a tiara if not her own iron throne!
Knowing the symptoms and acting fast are the best ways to recover quickly. My 3rd occurrence happened the day before Christmas Eve and was my worst one yet.
I started shivering uncontrollable to the point my husband wanted to call an ambulance. Of course I knew immediately, I said “it’s fine I just have mastitis again”! I was also vomiting this time which had not happened before. The onset of mastitis happens so quickly, one minute your talking having a cup of tea, the next minute excruciating pain in the breast. The breast pain feels like engorgement, or if you are wore a tight bra for the day. It can be soothed with massage, hot compress or a hot shower over the painful area. Old wives tales will also advise of applying cabbage leaves to the area, although I have yet to try this. Other symptoms can feel like flu, with pains in my bones, in my back and just difficultly feeling comfortable at all.
The best course of action is making a GP appointment immediately to get a course of antibiotics as usually nothing else will help treat it completely. If you cannot get an appointment straight away, try see an alternative doctor if your own GP is not available as delaying can lead the infection to get much worse.
I was in Ireland when it occurred this time so my alternative to my own GP in the UK was an out of hours service operated by locums. I talked through my symptoms over the phone and explained how I had it before and knew what I was dealing with. I was lucky the doctor agreed to issue a prescription which my husband could collect as I was so weak I couldn’t get out of bed.
I spent as much time as I could resting while my husband and extended family looked after Isobel. Unfortunately it is best to continue to breast feed on the infected breast to help clear the blockage. The pain is extreme but after a day of antibiotics it starts to get less severe. I stayed in bed and every time Isobel needed a feed my husband brought her to me. There is no way I could ever recover from any mastitis infection I have had without help, so try not do it on your own. I was so weak I could not even lift Isobel out of the cot.
After about 5 days trying to rest I started to feel better, but I still feel tired now as a result and it’s almost two weeks since the infection. I cannot reiterate enough the importance of bed rest!
At each occurrence of mastitis I look back and think how could I have prevented it and each time I don’t think I could. I know certainly this time I felt extremely run down from travelling and some late nights may have contributed. It is worthwhile checking that your latch is still correct if you have contacted