s worth (i.e. I haven’t been able to do my own advice)
– Honesty. Be up front that you are unhappy and want to leave and it’s not really open for discussion.
– Love. Be sincere that you wish the best for the person. Even if you feel betrayed or angry in some way. Betrayal and anger will become part of ancient history after a short while.
If you don’t end things in those two ways I know from very personal experience that there are only horrible, horrible consequences. We only have a short time on this planet. Goal #2 is to avoid horrible consequences to any of your actions.
WHERE DO YOU STAND IF ITS THE FIFTH DATE?
eugenephotoEugene: on relationships. Suppose you’ve gone on three or four dates with a girl. Do you ever ask her: where do we stand?
ANSWER: There’s several things I don’t know here:
- how good are you at reading emotional cues?
- where are you going, what are you doing on these dates?
For instance, is she afraid to say “no” when you ask her on another date? Is she delaying or postponing dates? There are lots of clues that you probably have gathered by this moment.
BUT, I will tell you this. There is NO NEED to ask her if you are on the fifth date. By the fifth date, you two know enough about each other. At the end of the date, simply move in for the kiss.
You will know very quickly where you stand, or sleep, that night.
WORDS OF ADVICE THAT HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE
adriennetranAdrienne Tran: words of advice someone said to you that changed your life?
ANSWER:)
>>IMAGE.
WHAT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A NEGOTIATION:
CandriawanCandri
What’s the most important thing in a negotiation?
ANSWER:
This is something I’ve had to learn the VERY hard way.
So I’m going to make it the topic of a future post!
ITALY? GREECE? UMA?
wesbroxsonWesley Broxson: I know you don’t think Greece is a big deal, but what about italy? Big deal, maybe or nothing?
ANSWER:
–.
CAN ANGER BE JUSTIFIED?
TheopaulsonTed Paulson
@jaltucher Is there such a thing as righteous anger? (example- being outraged at Joe Paterno)
ANSWER:
Anger and fear are twins out of the same evil womb. “righteous” anger only dresses it up in pretty clothes.
Example, a lot of the Occupy X crowd (both the protesters and the police) are being fueled by anger. There is over 1000 documented cases of violence, anti-semitism, anger on BOTH sides. Both sides feel righteous.
The USA felt righteous when it invaded Afghanistan. Thousands of civilian (and 18 year old military people) deaths later and ten years later we’re still there. Did our righteous convictions win? Do we feel better now? Is the world safer? Less corrupt?
I can’t thing of any case where anger is righteous or justified. Let’s say your boss yells at you, for instance? Should you get angry back? That’s probably the easiest strategy if you want to get fired. But you’re never going to win an argument against someone who is angry.
Best thing is to walk away and then come back and talk when he is more rational, or quit if he is permanently irrational, or just do the best job you can with a horrible boss.
Let’s say your spouse cheats on you. Will your anger be justified? It wont’ change the past. You should then figure out what the best thing to do is? Move out? Divorce? Address the issues that caused the betrayal (it always takes two to tango so no reason to get angry when you also are at fault).
Fear, jealousy, anger, envy are all mirrors of each other. Better to calm those tendencies, to be aware of them (being aware of anger is the easiest way to change it from a flame to a simmer), and use these techniques to restore health in every way.
I know from my own experience: anger has led to me getting fired, having bad ideas, not completing things, not sleeping, wasting moments when I could’ve been happy, building bad businesses, and on and on. Better to avoid, no matter how “righteous”.
SHOULD MY DAUGHTER MARRY A RATIONAL ANARCHIST?
Would you let your daughter to marry a rational anarchist?
ANSWER:
Only if she is a lesbian.
WHAT IF YOU CAN’T AVOID A CRAPPY PERSON BECAUSE YOU REPORT TO THEM
In your post: “How to Deal With Crappy People” – what do you do when you cant ignore the crappy person because yuo have to report to them??!!
ANSWER: Here’s the issue with crappy people – the people that drive you the most crazy, the ones you can’t stop thinking about and the ones you are constantly imagining arguments, responses, counter-responses, things they did that were wrong, etc. I sometimes wake up thinking about these things and it’s a discipline (hard) to divert myself:
almost by definition they are the people you can’t avoid. Bosses, colleagues, family, friends of friends, etc. That’s why they are in our lives in the first place, else you’d ignore and move on.
The trick is to just not engage. If they want to provoke, or yell, or spit, or do something crappy, then:
#1. Be as polite as possible but dont’ respond to anything provoking. Silence and minimal words are best things to do.
#2. Remove yourself from the situation/phone/location as quickly as possible.
Why be around someone crappy when you can try to be around someone you love?
An interesting thing happens. A few months ago I heard a phrase “the herx reaction”. It occurs when you start taking antibiotics. Sometimes you get worse first.
@Unpacktherat even said yesterday during the Q&A: sometimes the more I don’t engage the worse they get.
When you don’t engage, they go crazy. You know the phrase, “ignoring is the best revenge”. When you ignore or don’t engage with whoever is trying to provoke you, you cut off their supply of food and oxygen. They feed off of being crappy to you. Don’t feed the monster!
It’s up to you to stop feeding them. And at first they will scream in anger and hunger. They desperately want to be fed!
Then, bit by bit they will starve. Then finally, they will be extinguished. And you will be more alive than ever.
PURPOSE IN LIFE
adriennetranAdrienne Tran: What do you think is the purpose of life?
ANSWER:
Somewhere in the middle of “have everything you want” and “to want nothing” lies “purpose”.
We have to feed our families, we have to be responsible, so we can’t just hide in a cave (i.e. want nothing) but at some point there needs to be room to develop the soul.
So if we get everything we want, but we want as little as possible, somewhere in that spectrum lies our true purpose to be found.
HOW TO HAVE ENERGY?
yoda_2littleChris asks:
How do u get so much energy to do the things you do?
ANSWER: Thee key for energy really is to skip dinner (so your body is not trying to digest when you sleep), go to sleep early, don’t expose yourself to news, avoid pop culture, don’t drink alcohol, try to only be around the people you love, and have a sense of surrender and gratitude.
This may seem like you are sterilizing your life. But it’s quite the opposite. When you have energy to do whatever you want, then you have more possibilities than ever.
Sometimes I can pull this off. Sometimes I can’t. but I’m always trying.
WTF! Why am I reading this?
Hello James,
You're the most inspirational blogger I've read on ele! I love your articles on gratitude, college, daily practice, etc.
I added my 5 cents to your "how to deal with crappy" people and used it in my newsletter with a link to your article.
btw. Where do you get the funny pics?
thanks,
Anna.Do Players Regret Their Decisions?
As I was watching the upsets come rolling in this weekend, and seeing a few teams go from 1 bad game to probably actually really bad, I started thinking about some of the players. There are at least a couple players off the top of the my head that could definitely be on a better team right now.
First, I thought of Jaiden Woodbey, who as memory serves, flipped on a whim to FSU. That decision seemed ill-advised at the time watching through my rose-colored glasses, but now I'm starting to think it was as stupid as it seemed.
Also, Tyjon Lindsey, a top wide receiver who flipped away from us to Nebraska and now has a walk-on