 and told me that this was day one of me beginning to change.
I thought things would be better that week, but they weren't. I was so hurt and full of guilt, like all those sins were made known unto me and I couldn't look in the mirror, listen to the radio, or watch tv without blaming myself for all I was losing. I made a decision to not see another weekend and was pretty determined to go through with it when i had an unlikely visitor from church. A friend who could see the anguish and shame I felt helped me get through those feelings and turned me back on to my priority of changing my life for me. He showed me my self worth and that Heavenly Father no matter what loves me. I was encouraged to immerse myself in selfless giving and study of the scriptures, something that is very important with my wife and I, but we both neglected for a long time.  With nothing more to hide, I had no reason to be dishonest. I was able to see me kids more and I steered clear of temptation. Unfortunately I did lose my job and at church I am disfellowshipped for 12 months pending a time of repentance. Again though, my goal is to build myself up, change my ways, and be worthy again.
Yet the pain is still largely there. The blame hits daily and I swear i never knew I could cry so much. I think of my wife as the most beautiful woman there is and it kills me to know that I'm losing her. She tells me she feels only indifference towards me. obviously trust is not there and as i've read, trust is love. I reach out for some glimmer of hope, like her telling someone she still loves me, but i don't get that. We are very nice to each other, even sitting together at church for the kids. I was invited over to her family's place for Thanksgiving and only my shame made it awkward. I've realized how little I served her in our 10 years of marriage and most of the time I was selfish and impulsive. I know now how I would treat her and what i would do for her, if only to have her as my wife again.
With all that said, I had a break down yesterday after an out of state friend called and told me about a conversation he had had with my wife over the weekend when she was in town. Basically she told him that she was planning on getting back together with me until the two incidents of infidelity occurred. My heart sank thinking of all the times I asked for her to give me some hope and then when she didn't I gave up and did those things. If only I had just focused on fixing myself at that point rather than trying to fix myself to win her back. All may not be completely lost as she's told me she might date me in 3 years. I wouldn't care if it was 7 years, I'd wait. I just don't know what to do from here. The divorce will be final at the new year, I'm in a a pretty depressive state, and all i want is my wife back. I know there are no magic answers and time heals alot, but I feel pretty desperate for some hope. i believe in miracles and i know our family can be whole again. I'm looking for someone to provide some little insight on what i can do as i continue on this path of change to win my wife back.
TexasBob, what stands out to me is the fact that you have yet to take responsibility for your abusive behavior towards your wife. IMO, she is right to pursue divorce because you are not safe until you GET that you are 100% responsible for your crimes against your family and your wife.  As long as you don't understand that you should not have opposite sex friends and should never allow another woman to meet your need, YOU ARE DANGEROUS.
In other words, your wife's fault.
Again, your wife's fault.
See how it is always somehow HER fault and not yours? The truth is that you have affairs because you don't know how to behave around women. You allow them to meet your needs and have discussions about your personal life with them. 
You are not SAFE until you get that. And she is right to pursue divorce.
Another red flag is the self pity and bizarre focus on "your pain." HUH?  HELLO? You signed on for this, Sir. Your wife and children, your victims, DID NOT.
Your wife has endured about the worst truama that can be committed against a person; it is as traumatic as rape, the death of a child and physical assault. You did that, not once, but numerous times to your wife.  Do you have any understanding of what you have done to your wife and why you are not safe?
Tell her you don't want the divorce. Ask her to put off the divorce. Tell her you have no expectations of her. Tell her you are working on yourself and in time you hope she might want to take you back, but that you don't expect it. Then I would proceed like you were trying to befriend her and then possibly date her again. Keep it light. Engage in conversation. Plan activities to hang out with and without the kids. She's confused right now. Part of her wants to take you back. Part of her is afraid you'll hurt her again. Prove by your actions, through time, that you have changed. Don't put pressure on her to take you back. Just slowly and surely keep chipping away at the wall. Figure out what her emotional needs are and meet the needs she'll let you meet. Figure out what her love busters are and avoid them. I would treat this the same way as working plan A on a WS (except only the carrot of plan A, not the stick). Slowly and surely try and win her back. This may take 6 months to several years, but if this is what you want you need to show determination and patience and not be deterred if things aren't fixed quickly.
Another example where you link your bad behavior to something SHE did. But that is not my main question.
And what was the "off duty incident?"
TB, you've demonstrated over and over to your wife that you are not a person she can feel safe with. Why do you suppose that would change now?
You've cheated on her with three - THREE women! You've taken no responsibility for your actions. Actually, you've blamed your WIFE for your actions!
After everything you've done, your BW decides that she wants to divorce, which is absolutely her right.  Do you see where this is flawed, self-serving thinking?  There are wayward spouses who have to fight for time with their kids at all.
You may - MAY - be able to recover a relationship with your BW, but I doubt that it result from crying over yourself or getting religion. You, sir, need to do some serious work on bettering yourself and your boundaries. And that's going to take some time.
TexasBob, what stands out to me is the fact that you have yet to take responsibility for your abusive behavior towards your wife....In other words, your wife's fault....See how it is always somehow HER fault and not yours?
although i believe it's important to advise TexasBob that what he's doing is blaming his wife for his infidelity and not his lack of boundaries...
...BUT on the other hand, I feel it's equally important that TexasBob tells the class his story...what he was feeling and what the OW did for him...as an eye opener to others that surf across this site...
when one spouse starts to neglect the other in meeting emotional needs, this is what happens...the relationship becomes ripe for an affair...
The real lesson here is NOT unmet emotional needs, but a lack of boundaries. I have no doubt that his wife's needs were unmet too, however she did not have an affair. And there is a reason for that. She had appropriate boundaries, he did not. When one is not getting their needs met at home, they should be even more diligent about this, not less.
For a BS to believe that her WS' affair happened because of unmet needs is to put a gun to her head to meet those needs eternally or live in fear of a repeat.
So, no I don't agree that is the lesson here. This poster is already blameshifting, lets not give him MORE ammunition. The lesson here is poor boundaries, period. Giving a blameshifting poster more ammunition to blameshift is counterproductive and not helpful to him or his wife.
MelodyLane: Let me add something to what I have already written to you. I hope I'm not being too redundant.
You will hear Joyce and I repeat, "there are reasons but no excuses." One of the reasons for an affair is that emotional needs are not being adequately met in marriage, which makes an affair that meets those needs more tempting.
But the same thing can be said of some who rob banks. They may be out of work, need money to pay the rent, ask for a loan but are refused by the bank, which makes robbing it more tempting. One reason for the robbery is that the bank refused the loan, but it wasn't the bank's fault that it was robbed. On hindsight, a bank might have helped the robber get the help he needed through social services, but the bank is under no obligation to do so, even though they advertise that it is a "caring bank."
An affair is different from robbing banks in that a couple have promised to be more caring than banks. But the principle is the same. The lack of care by one spouse does not excuse harmful behavior by the other spouse. Even when one spouse absolutely