 always on. I couldn't come off it. I remember once I went to pee, and by the time I got back into the room with my mom she had fallen out of the chair and fell on her glasses and got a gash on her eye, and she was screaming the house down...  I was twitching with nerves. I would hear a sound in the middle of the night and I was half way across the room and out into the hall before I realized I was even awake.
In my own situation, my mental state was so bad that I literally couldn't have continued to look after her if I wanted to. The kind of relentless need for constant attention that my mom had was grinding me to dust. I was so unhappy and miserable I felt like I was going to lose my mind if I couldn't get out of the care giver role.
And that's the ticket. If someone, anyone, feels like that, it's time, past time, to abandon the elderly to the state if that's what it takes to keep your grip on sanity. I literally felt I was a hair away from losing my mind. Everything in me was screaming 'danger'....danger to my mentality, danger to my health, danger to my well being, danger to my sanity most of all and for me at that point I had to listen. I had to do whatever was necessary to get my mom placed where she needed to be, in a facility with more than ONE person dealing with her needs around the clock. Paid pro's get to go home and can get the rest and break they need. I couldn't get a rest no matter how desperate I was for one. When a person literally expects to look down and see their skin cracking trying to hold back the pressure and feeling a stress so intense for so long that death seems preferable than having to endure it another second, then you know beyond any doubt that it's time to do what you have to do, at any cost. When your stress is so high that you don't care anymore, can't think anymore about anything else but making it STOP, when someone reaches that level of desperation, then they'll know it's time to do something and disengage from the care giver role.
No, it's not easy to abandon a parent to the state...although I've hardly 'abandoned' my mom. I can visit whenever I like and she's not far away. For me, it was the right, and only, thing to do. Sometimes it comes down to saving yourself.
I am alone too, that is why am going to court to try and get paid.
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE A 'SITE FOR CAREGIVERS, BUT IT SEEMS NO ONE IS LISTENING!!!
that is why I am fighting this in court...
I am concerned about the elderly, but I am concerned about my future...too!
Standingalone, just wanted to clarify what I meant by my trapped under a boulder post is just that leaving one's parent to the state can be an "extreme" action for some. And yes, totally justified action and the right action sometimes like in your case. I just wanted to encourage some gentleness in proposing very hard solutions to people. 
Just remember to everyone who are caregivers. You are like soldiers in the battlefield everyday. Trying to battle against the people who are in your bloodline, battle with fighting fatigue, battle trying to save, improve the quality of life for your loved ones. Wear your uniform! And maybe those frown lines on your face from how much you have/had to endure are like BADGES of HONOR wear those wrinkles proudly!
Actually, I think there's plenty of info on elder care out there, Roscoe..I mean, we're here on this site all about the elderly....but there's hardly squat about the care givers. it's like we're all invisible. Everyone is so concerned about the elderly and getting them what they need and making sure that they're alright...but nobody seems too concerned about what it costs the care givers that do all the work and assume the burden.  Nobody wants to talk about that little minor detail. It is crazy!
Well said......StandingAlone! Not enough emphasis is put on elder care in this country. It's terrible with what goes on......there are millions of individual horror stories that take place each day. It's life changing, it can destroy families, it can put people in financial ruin......I could go on and on. All I can say is that it's crazy!
Sure, Medicaid pays for the NH....when all of the elderly parents assets are gone. What about people that moved in with their elderly parents to care for them? What about people that moved in with their elderly parents because the parent refused to sell those assets and take care of themselves, thereby forcing their kids to look after them out of a moral obligation? What about those same kids that lose their careers/good jobs because there was no choice but to step up and care for their parent(s) themselves and had no help? Then, what about those same kids a decade or two into it that face the street when the elderly parent finally does have to go into a NH and medicaid snatches up the parents house/assets out from under them to pay for the NH? 
And what if the elderly parent moves into the child's home and then the child realizes that the elderly parent is going to need 24/7 care, and they lose their incomes that way...and their homes to boot when they can't work anymore to make the payments thanks to the elderly parent?
A lot of people around here are in serious financial dire straits thanks to their elderly parent(s) and the 24/7 care they need, be those elderly parents in their own homes or their kids home. Taking care of them isn't cheap. It's highly expensive. When my mom was at home our electric bill was around $400-500 a month. In the summer she needed it much cooler than I did, and in the winter, much warmer. When she went into the NH the bill dropped by half. That's just one example.
If someone has the means to free themselves from a situation that brings them nothing but misery at the hands of an abuser, can pay for the best care possible, but doesn't.... Well, for those of us that only WISH we had those options, it's a tad difficult to feel much sympathy.
And to me it's not that people are doing it because they have no money...it's that they had money, took on the care giver role and now find themselves in financial hardship and/or ruin because of it.
i meant social security and/ or medicaid pays for a nursing home.
Money never solves the problem or is the solution for the obligation of taking care of your elderly, yourself, but you sure could afford creature comforts if you are a millionaire.
People who never were married or had children do not really understand the tethering care that goes on for free, that people do when they have children and I understand, only too well because my friend my 86 year old's son, never married or had children feels the same, as you, even though I do most of the caregiving.
and it really isn't fair. We have often said tat if we had the weekend to go away, there are four siblings, who are aged 63-68 who could do something but do nothing and all live with 50 miles...
and I think people here are missing, that you are doing "the right thing" and you have money. Does this mean that everybody here is doing it because they have no money? Medicare pays for a nursing home.
I'd say the vast majority of people on this site are in the 'living hell' category. Nobody around here is on easy street that I can see.
Well, at least I did something to change my own situation. To some it may sound like I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, but I beg to differ. I am thrilled to be OUT of the care giving role at last. Thank God! Nobody should have to deal with an elderly alz/dementia patient alone. It's just too much for one person to handle.
It all boils down to who is lucky and who isn't. Some of our parents will remain healthy and live independently most of their lives, while others will require care in their remaining years. Some sons and daughters will lead nice lives.......and then there will be ones like me that go through living hell. There is a neighbor lady the same age as my mother.......totally opposite health wise. She lives herself and manages just fine. Her some visits maybe twice a week and everything is fine. My mother had to be burdened with various health problems. My mother was healthy and everything was good......until old age 'attacked her'. So, like I said, some of us will be put through 'a living hell' with caregiving.
J, I meant I'm a dumbass for ever entering into the care giver role in the first place. I had no idea though what the reality would actually be. If I had found this site much sooner and started reading, it would have scared the crap out of me and I would have said NO, no matter what my mom promised to get me into her house. I would have told her to sell her stuff and go to AL. Period. I did feel badly abandoning her to the state, but not for long. I knew they'd get her where I couldn't without a POA....in a facility where she belonged. Eventually, dealing with a full blown, late stage ALZ patient becomes too much to handle. I just couldn't do it another minute. I felt desperate beyond belief to be free of it.
