 wasn’t in the mood for a party, but I also didn’t want to be alone. Being alone won out though. I figured that forcing myself to be social would make me feel worse than actually being alone. I like to think I made the correct choice for myself. I would have been more miserable and probably cried myself to sleep again.
January was painful. Far too much uncertainty and chaos. I don’t know how I made it through the month, all things considered. I’m being deliberately vague here. The details don’t really matter; just know that whatever safety I felt has shattered, as has my trust in someone.
I feel so lost. I’m trying to hold onto other friends to anchor myself, but my grasp is as tenuous as my resolve.
I write in hopes that getting my emotions down will help me process them. I write because I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of being angry, of doing things just to numb myself.
It’s February now. I’m just trying to get through each day without despairing too much. Work has certainly been a saving grace; I can throw myself into the everyday intricacies of running a busy, medium-sized branch library. At work, I can feel productive, useful and valued. I am surrounded by a caring staff. At work, I have purpose and community.
Nine hours will fly by, then the dread of being alone with myself will set in on the bus ride home. What is it about being alone that bothers me so? It’s the emptiness. The lack of purpose or meaning to the passing hours. Everyday ordinary activities have no draw. I don’t care to eat, read, play video games, or do anything else I used to enjoy. As I’ve written before, a lot of self-care just feels so temporary too. I try taking long baths or showers, but I just end up crying there too. Or I might go get a manicure or a massage and I’m good for that hour or so. Sometimes, I’ll just wander the mall or Target until it gets too late.
But I still have to go home eventually, to myself and a cat I loathe.
I’ve always had issues with feeling alone. I’m so uneasy. I can’t express it very well. I just feel so empty. My friend asked me when was the last time I felt real joy, and I didn’t have a good answer. Maybe toward the beginning of my last partnership? If that’s the case, it’s been maybe 12 years. I’m just coasting, not really gaining any fulfillment or joy from anything I do.
One positive is that I have a handle on the more destructive aspects of my personality. I only drink socially, no longer binging at home alone. I don’t physically harm myself anymore. The desires are still there, but I haven’t indulged yet. Instead, I maniacally text friends or write pithy emails to my therapist. I guess you could argue I’m better off.
No one can save me. I can’t be rescued from myself. I can’t place my sense of safety and stability on any one person. Intellectually, I am aware of this. Somehow, it has to come from within, and I’ve been working on it for years. Focusing on the present seems to help, but when I start to think about the past or the future, I despair.
Again, I just get through each day. However, I do have a couple trips to look forward to: London + Paris in April, Ireland in May. The first trip will be with a friend, the second will be solo. I am a bit apprehensive about the second trip, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
I just lost steam, and interest, in writing more. Guess I’ll try to find something else to distract me until bedtime. Hopefully I will sleep tonight.This review was originally written for The Public Reviews: location is Massachusetts and the setting is the kitchen of a home in which the father of the family has recently committed suicide. The impending funeral brings back together two step sisters. Abra has never moved far from the local area and Samara, an alcoholic, is returning from California. The family’s parents were immigrants to the United States and Moslem. The story is told in a series of confrontations between the two women, gradually revealing to the audience the history of their relationship. Whilst at the beginning Abra appears staid and sensible and Samara a reckless free spirit, perceptions of them change radically as the play progresses. The kitchen set, designed by Katie Bellman, is meticulously detailed down to the tiled floor and defines the apparent ordinariness of a working family’s life. It’s authenticity is matched by the writing and performances. Beam’s dialogue is carefully nuanced to bring out his characters’ inner feelings and laced with subtle humour. Dilek Rose (as Abra) and Lou Broadbent (as Samara) both give searing performances as two damaged and vulnerable women at loggerheads with each other, yet inextricably bound together. In flashback sequences, Rose doubles as her character’s mother and Allon Sylvain plays the father. He and James Corscadden (as Samara’s brother) make brief but effective appearances. Beam’s play embraces many, perhaps too many, sub-themes – mental health, taking responsibility for elderly relatives, culture clashes and more; as a result it occasionally gets sidetracked when we really want it to keep its focus on the two protagonists. It then builds to a slightly melodramatic climax which does not sit too well with the realistic drama that has preceded it. Nonetheless, as a study of a dysfunctional family, the play is, on the whole, sensitive and thoughtful, showing how such a family can both inflict wounds on its members and heal them. This is a small production that punches well above its weight.
I'm close to 4,000 in over 13 months with Eats, Connect and Rides and this is really common sense.  

  I have empathy for them as I'm technically full time now.  It's not fun when your days that were sweet have soured, you are working longer to make the same amount of pay when you worked less.  The boosts have helped for now but like with anything with Uber, that will not last long. 

I have long said, know your market, no two markets are the same.  Know when to drive, know when to say its time for a hard break.  When you do multiple Uber services, know the peak times for each and go from there.  Be willing to adjust and adapt frequently in this work. 

No one has to tolerate disrespect.  We are contractors not Uber employees.  Drivers have control if they want to go through with a ride or not.   

Discretion and discernment is everything.I just bought the Opty 170 + Free AMD wallet/money clip LAST NIGHT for $193 w/free shipping!!
Glad I finally got it when I did.
I haven't seen any price jump here yet. I'll check it tomorrow, because maybe the market is slower here to react.
Very few have them in stock, but they still offer the 165 for about 170 - 190 $ and report that they will be available the next week.
I agree! People who have a 939 system who don't have a dualcore cpu should get one now while they can & clock stable as much as they can until AM3 gets here as im not moving until that at the earliest.
The Optys are still priced ok here in the UK, infact the price has dropped.
Got my Opty185 yesterday for £207 when just a month before from the same place it was £270.
And as you can see from my sig its a cracker.
Whats so good about an Opty?
Totally not related to the Opty's but my AMD proc. jumped up in price too. Could this be a calling for C2D? NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
They overclock much better on average than an A64-branded chip. Purportedly because of the silicon.
I picked up an oppty 170 heeere in Canaadaa for jussst over 200 a few weeks back. Good steppiing, think they only came in one stepping but its singing alonng at 2.8 at this point.
Neweggs prices are back down now. The 170 is back to $193 while the 175 is slightly higher than it was at $255.
The number of people falling sick due to a mysterious disease in Eluru, the city of Andhra Pradesh saw a rapid decline on Wednesday and experts could not identify what caused the outbreak.
AIIMS, Mangalgiri and Delhi, Hyderabad’s National Institute of Nutrition and Centre for Cellular and Molecular Biology are conducting more tests to zero in on the cause of the poisoning.
A preliminary study conducted by the All India Institute of Medical Sciences (AIIMS), Mangalagiri, found that it had been caused by the ingestion of metals such as lead and nickel. AIIMs authorities submitted a preliminary report to this effect to the state medical and health department on Monday night.
A preliminary study by the All India Institute of Medical Sciences, Mangalagiri has found that the mysterious disease in Eluru was caused by heavy metals like lead and nickel.
Hospital authorities said 345 patients have been admitted with symptoms of epilepsy, seizures, giddiness, vomiting and frothing at the mouth in the last two days.