'm angry about that. Well, okay, but there's a lesson to be learned from handing in your math late. But today oh no, no, today I'm angry because so so said something unkind about me. Oh right. Well, what's the difference between the angys? Oh well you know, one was my fault. And another one I feel well maybe not is not angry. Maybe it's betrayed. Maybe it's judged. Maybe it's let down, and this allows our kids to just start working on actually what's going on for them and you know, so, and it's important for our kids to develop a better emotional intelligence to understand how they're feeling and how they're thinking.
And as us adults as well.
accompanied with the eye roll. Of course.
And it kind of lets, yeah, kind of lets them guide the progress. The how deep they want to go into this.
You're quite right. And as parents, we are desperate to find out especially with a sort of, you know, non communicative teen, we're desperate to find out what's going on, you know, maybe you have spotted some flags, some red flags, and you do think that there's something going on. But the more we put our ego and our neediness into it, the more that they're going to kick back and not really want to open up. So we have to do this quite gently. And the three questions is a great way of saying, let's open the doors, but it's on your terms, and that allows the children are they are our children still even if they are a stroppy teenager, but it allows them the control on how fast or how slow they want to progress.
That's brilliant. Two things came to mind during this discussion. One, I think we need to say it 10 more times. Are you sure we can't jump in and fix it when they start talking? And I know your answer there. But you know, especially if we know the answer to their problem, and it's easy and quick. Are you sure we can't jump in and fix it?
That's the thing is, is we're talking about trying to fix the short term. If we try and fix everything now, then our kids aren't going to learn; they're not going to learn from their mistakes.   If we, rather than problem solve, I call it the critical thinking model. It's it and it's actually in my a chapter in my book, and it's a way of saying to our kids, now listen, things didn't go so well. How would you do it different or more to the point, let's talk about how you came to this a bit like the F in math.  Oh, well, I didn't submit my homework in time. Well, is there a lesson here? What would you have done next time? What would you have done differently? But it was not my fault. I mean, I didn't understand it. No, hang on a minute. A lot of other people got their homework in on time. So how would you do it differently? Well, it was calculus, and I didn't understand it. So I was scared of getting it wrong. Well, maybe perhaps, you know, how would you have felt maybe approaching the teacher sort of a little bit of oh, well, I could have done that. But I never thought and they don't like me. And the thing is, rather than sort of saying, you've got to get it done on time, next time, otherwise, you'll get an F again, it's trying to work out their best course of action next time. And it doesn't matter if it's an F in maths, or if it's not being picked for the soccer team, or whatever it is. It's trying to get your child to think well, maybe it was a bad conversation with a friend. And it's just what would you do differently? And what did you learn from this? And, you know, look at it from someone else's point of view. And that gives them the opportunity rather than to shut down and just go life's unfair, it allows them to go, oh, hang on a minute, right? Yeah, maybe I'm just not the only factor in this equation. And it gives them the opportunity to look at situations slightly differently, and how best that they could maybe ask for help, how best that they could approach something differently. And by giving our child the independence to come to the sort of conclusions or the solution themselves, that's when it lands. And that's when they're more likely not to make the same mistake again.
So we're helping them build their own toolbox instead of dragging ours out to fix theirs.
And the thing is, I do appreciate, I know that if we fix it for them, it'd be a hell of a lot quicker. But in the long run, they're just going to keep doing the same stuff. And so we need to give them the tools, as you say, to equip them to deal with some tricky situations in a slightly different and sort of hopefully, more effective way.
Thank you for that. The other thought that came to mind earlier was my kid is an internal processor. So he may want to talk to me, but he doesn't yet have the thoughts together in order to do the talking. I know that other parents have children that are external processors, and they need to talk right away. And I know my kid can't do that, or if so it wouldn't be effective. He's got to sit with it and think through it first. Sometimes that can be frustrating, because I want him to talk now. But I'm learning that no, he's got to think it through. And then he can have a conversation that's meaningful for him, in order to move forward through this.
Well, quite right. This, I have one of each. So my daughter is just sort of sit down and listen, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's sort of and at the end of it, she will ah great mum, thanks. And it was like, No, I never said a thing. But she was working it all out. And she's still got it all sorted. My son, on the other hand, will ruminate and work it out in his head. He pulls up the drawbridge, and he won't speak to anyone until he's got whatever's going on in his head. And then he sort of starts reaching out and sort of starts, you know, maybe, how does this sound? And yeah, you're quite right. It's, it's infuriating, because we feel as though we aren't part of the process anymore. But we have to respect love, understand and respect. We have to respect that our kids, or anyone really, but we could be people in that in our sort of, you know, work team, but people are wired differently, and our way is best for us. But it's not always best for someone else. And so it's it's being respectful of my son, I literally have to I mean, I need duct tape over my mouth sometimes. And it's just my son is dealing with something. And this is why the three questions comes in, is I'm here for you. Are you ready? No. Right. Okay. Okay. You know, I'm going to be asking the same question tomorrow. Yep. Yep. And it's just it's basically saying to our our kids, I am your safety blanket. I'm ready to catch you if you need that, but I am here for you when you need me. And the three questions as a reminder, still here, still here, still here. And they may or they may not come to you. And the thing is, is that they, if they don't come to you for support, that's absolutely fine. Because inside internally, they know, after having this process a few times, they know that you've got their back. And that sometimes is enough to give them the confidence to go, but I've got to do this on my own. And that's fine. But it's just allowing our giving our child the confidence to know that we're there for them if and when they need us.
And, you know, I think earlier, we talked about getting rid of the guilt and trying to start early with these communication things. And sometimes we can do everything absolutely right. And our kids can still have problems. So even then, having these tools, it's so helpful.
I think the thing is, is giving us the confidence to do that I'm doing the best I can for my child, and whether or not they choose to come to me now, though, it might now might not be the right time, and maybe they'll come to me later on. Or maybe they won't, but they still know that I'm there for them. I think the thing is, is as long as we keep trying, as long as we keep the door open for them, that's that's all we can do. I mean, I've got a phrase, which it's a little formula called called E+R=O and E is the event which is going on. And it could be a stroppy teenager, or it could be the fact that you've just burnt a cake in the oven, or whatever it is, it doesn't matter E is the event that's going on. R is your response to that event. And that's the thing that you can change in order to get a better O, which is the outcome. So the thing is, is we can't change anyone else. So we might have a teenager and we're sort of going, why don't you speak to me because I just know that I can