 that brings in some fun? Who includes visuals accompanying the necessary text. Who jazzes up the terms and conditions. Who ensures that a newsletter is only sent if it can make a customer happy. Hello! This is a call for the Marie Kondo of Client Communication: we need you!
This blog was written for CustomerFirst and published on January 31st, 2018
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Studying One’s Self – Becoming Intimate with My Wants, Needs, Desires
(Everything in italics has been borrowed from Clinton S. Clark© 1993) I highly recommend a visit to his site at The Art Of Healing.’m.
Asking for Needs to be Met
Asking for my needs to be met is more productive using the same non-victim role as with setting boundaries. As an infant, I had my own infant ways of asking for needs to be met. As an adult, I have adult ways to ask for my needs to be met. Clarity is important. Over-explaining the reason for my needs is control for approval’s sake. I can choose not to control by explaining.
There is fear in asking for my needs to be met. My needs were shamed or discounted as a child. That fear of shaming or discounting generates hostility in my conversation style. The hostility is projected onto the listener. In return, they become hostile in order to protect themselves or become submissive in order to protect themselves. Either way, the listener will resent the interaction.
I can choose to approach my needs in a non-victim style (non-victimstance). I find a more nurturing result more often. I state my fear of asking up front and not hide it in a hostile conversation.
Examples:
- “I’m afraid of asking for _________________”
- “I’m afraid of not knowing how to ask for ______________”
- “I’m learning how to ask for my needs to be met. I need your patience while I learn.”
Some basic needs statements
I need ______________________________________.
- To eat.
- A drink of water.
- To go to the rest room.
- To get some different clothes, a jacket, etc (to stay warm, dry, etc.).
- To go to the doctor.
- To throw-up.
- A place to stay.
- A job.
- A loan.
- To borrow some money.
- A ride.
- To get gas.
- To have my car repaired.
- To go to a meeting.
- To know if….
- To know if you like me.
- To know if anyone else feels this way.
- Your approval.
- To rest.
- A hug.
- A kiss.
- To be held.
- To be with people.
- To say I’m sorry.
- To say that for myself.
- To do this.
- To talk.
- To know if you have time to listen.
- To do this myself.
- To go slow.
- To keep this confidential.
- Your patience.
- You to know that I love you.
- To know if you’re being honest with me.
- To know if you are mad at me.
- To know if you love me.
- To know if you expect something from me that I don’t know about.
- To leave.
- To stay a while.
- A back-rub.
- Your friendship.
- You to back off.
- You to slow down.
- To work something out with you.
If I consistently ask for a need to be met, and it’s not being met, I need to go elsewhere. I accept that my needs are important. I accept that my needs are my needs and my responsibility. My needs are not someone else’s responsibility. My needs are not a guessing game for someone else. And, my needs are not the perception that someone else has of them.
Whatever the needs statement be, I practice being clear, direct, non-victim, non-whining, and non-controlling. I can choose to “ask” before I decide that my needs won’t be met. I accept that asking for my needs to be met and getting them met are different. I won’t be able to get my needs met in one place.
I am all that I am at the time that I am
Acknowledging without control that:
“I am all that I am at the time that I am”
is another way to nurture and reparent myself. I am all my likes, my dislikes, my needs, my limits, my choices, my thoughts, my opinions, my double binds, my feelings, etc. Without fear of injury, I am all that I am at the time that I am.
Gleaned from Al-Anon Literature
HALT When we are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, we have needs that require our attention, needs that may be preventing us from acting in a positive, affirming way.
When a man reconsiders performance-based esteem, when he reaches into his own heart to unearth and form a relationship with the emotional parts of himself, when he takes on responsibilities for psychological self-care as well as the psychological care of others, he breaks with the terms of traditional masculinity. –Terrence Real a lack of intimacy with himself, avoiding self-knowing. –Wendy T. Behary
We learn not to ask for what we need during the first three years of life.
Emotional Bullshit:
Self-Care is both a tool and an ongoing skill. Using it as a tool will help you make a quick decision that might avert a problem even in