.
Philander pulls Johnson for four with swaggering disdain. Johnson bangs the next ball into the pitch and politely enquires as to whether Philander is named after Vern in Stand By Me. Philander replies that, no, that can’t be possible, because he was born on June 24 1985 and Stand By Me did not come out until 8 August 1986.
Johnson is angry now. He’s got the face on. He always had the face on, but you know what I mean. He gets some encouraging reverse swing into Duminy, who defends. This is glorious sport.
Another bowling change from Michael Clarke, with Nathan Lyon replacing I can’t keep up with this, who the hell has he replaced?Michael Clarke. An accurate over is immaculately defended by Duminy. There are 22 overs to go. I’m not sure who is going through the more powerful wringer: Australia or South Africa fans.
It’s absurd, isn’t it. The most magnificent thing, and it’s endangered. Society isn’t going to abolish booze, or sex, or The One Show, so what the hell does it think it’s playing at with Test cricket?
Mitchell Johnson is asked to raise hell one final time, to prise out a couple of batsmen with the ageing ball. Philander leans into a flat-footed drive first ball, and there’s an audible intake of breath from the commentary box before the ball zips safely through mid-off. There will be a fair bit of criticism if Philander gets out playing an attacking stroke. I’m sure David Warner in particular would have an urgent observation on the subject. In fairness, Philander has played extremely well thus far in attack and defence. Most of the time, anyway; he gets in a fair tangle with a spiteful leg-side short ball from Johnson that zips through to Haddin.
Self-funkification from the captain Michael Clarke, who brings himself into the attack. He has four round the bat for Duminy, who defends comfortably. This is getting deliciously tight.
That’s true, and given the change in Test batsmanship I can’t work out why nobody has chased 450-plus. But the fact is they haven’t, and in that context – never mind Australia’s obvious superiority in this series – I reckon 511 was an excessive target. He could have declared maybe 8-10 overs earlier.
Pattinson has crunched Philander on the glove with a head-high beamer! That was really nasty. Philander seems okay after some treatment; it wouldn’t have been at all surprising had he broken a finger. There’s one ball of the over remaining, and if Philander gets cleaned up here there will be plenty of resentment. He doesn’t. As you were. Right, there are 25 overs remaining, and it’s time to sound the Official Hlcarpenter.com OBO Squeaky-Bum Time Klaxon.
Not sure I agree with that - especially with this particular side, given the precedent of Adelaide - but I do agree that it’s quite a complicated issue and that there are a number of relevant factors: mental disintegration, the modern batsman’s need for the oxygen of runs, and so on. Didn’t Ricky Ponting set England a target of 632 at Brisbane in 2006? He didn’t need that many, but by batting on so long he crushed England’s spirit some more.
Guess who’s back, back again; Steve Smith’s back, tell a friend. He has plenty of rough outside Duminy’s off stump with which to work. He also has a predilection for bowling half-trackers, one of which is pulled for four.  That won’t bother Australia. Runs are overrated.
Pattinson bangs a short ball into Philander’s ribs – ooyah - and then goes up very late for LBW. Too high, though it was a fair enough appeal, the kind that has been on the Australian curriculum since McGrath v Tendulkar in 1999. Pattinson then goes wide on the crease and slips a huge reverse inswinger through a wild drive from Philander and just past off stump. It missed the off stump by millimetres. Yes, yes I think it might be reversing. This is disgustingly good sport.
I think I was imagining reverse swing in the first few minutes after tea. In fact it’s doing very little now. Mark Nicholas says these are “amazingly friendly” batting conditions. Harris continues. If he was a horse … you wouldn’t know he needs shooting because he would be hiding his frailties brilliantly. Harris still tearing in with the usual interrogative purpose. Duminy and Philander defend well. South Africa need 299 from 28 overs to win this, an equation which will lead to some questions of Michael Clarke’s declaration should they fail to win.
Philander is playing almost breezily, and drives Pattinson for two more. Mark Nicholas, on Sky, reckons Australia will be a bit worried by how little the ball has done in the 15 minutes since tea. Is something brilliant happening?
Here’s Ian Copestake. “I want South Africa to survive and deny Aussie gloating to the extent that I am prepared to play Boom Fatty Boom Boom on loop until the draw is secured.” But will dance nakedly around the room to it? How far will you go, Copestake? How much do you want it?
There is a little reverse for Harris, though nothing dramatic and Philander has started nicely after tea. He averages 26 in his Test career, so he knows what he’s doing. But he has never batted in a situation like this.
With Australia it was staggered, because even at their best they lost a few Test series in Asia, whereas West Indies were unbeaten everywhere for 15 years. If you had to pick one moment when the baton was handed over, it was probably the 2008-09 defeat at home to South Africa. India might disagree with that, mind you.
James Pattinson, another splendid exponent of reverse swing, comes on at the other end. An attempted yorker to Philander is too straight and worked for a single, the most notable incident in the over. Two down, 31 to go for South Africa.
Ryan Harris starts after tea, and the first ball to Philander is pretty ominous for South Africa: it keeps low, reverses back and doesn’t miss off stump by too much. Harris, who dropped below his extremely high standards in the first two matches, has been just magnificent here - especially when you consider how weary his body must be after the unprecedented workload of eight Tests in three months, and that he goes for a knee operation on Tuesday. The word ‘champion’ was invented for someone like him. After a maiden to Philander, his figures are now 41-27-87-5. I have indeed seen worse.
It’s worth repeating that South Africa have not lost a Test series for five years, which tells you how well Australia have played to get even this close. I doubt anything will ever top 1994-95. This would not be far behind though.
Time for a mad canteen dash. See you in 15 minutes for the final session of his excellent series.
Johnson bangs in a short one to Philander, who top-edges a hook over the keeper’s head for six! Rearguard actions ain’t what they used to be. In fact the over goes for 13, with a force for three followed by a sharp delivery that swings down the leg side and is punched for four byes by Haddin. “Catch!” shouted Johnson, though I don’t think Duminy touched it. A solid forward defensive from Duminy ends a brilliant session.
“Thinking of Smith playing for Ireland, there must be somebody somewhere who has put a bet on KP being the next South African captain,” says Tom Bowtell. “Is it five years to re-re-qualify for the country of your birth?” I think that’s how long it took Ed Joyce but – strictly between us – I don’t really know what I’m talking about. KP’s knees will be completely gone in five years’ time, which is a shame as the prospect of watching him bat against Alastair Cook’s England is making me a little giddy.
Smith, the golden-armed goldenballs of this Australian side, continues to mix filth, jaffas and very occasional straight ones. He’s a mind**** of a bowler; you never know what’s going on or whether the full tosses are part of some grand plan.
Is he really? Talk about being typecast. I suppose it could be worse in that regard; he could be James Van Der Beek.
Duminy slams a pull for four off Johnson and then works another boundary round the corner. Runs, schmuns, he’s survived six balls. There are just under 10 minutes remaining before tea. For reference, England were seven down at tea in Test cricket’s most recent heart-stopper – at Auckland a year ago – but I’m not sure South Africa have much chance of a similar escape here. If they do pull it off, JP Duminy will never have to buy another nutritious juice-based sports drink in his life.
It was a decent enough delivery from Smith, though nothing special. It pitched on middle and leg; du Plessis got a fair way forward but pushed defensively, almost absent-mindedly, down the wrong line and ended up dragging