No matter what position I put myself in, what positive change I make, what intention I make, what activity I do, I come back to uncertainty. Living in this world is living in uncertainty and it doesn’t feel good.
Sure, I have glimpses of ‘what used to be’ and work towards what I expect, but when I sweep away the grit and grime, the losses and the fears, it comes back to an unknowing that is unsettling.
Routines are comforting to a point. And then they become a rut that screams for freedom. I need a change and then bump into limitations due to Covid, due to money, due to something that blocks my way.
Worrying about worst case scenarios is seductive and I choose to turn away. The idea of looking forward to something is exciting but I tend to not get my hopes up for anything. My key to serenity comes back to the present moment.
I’ve been reading about focusing on dreams, something I long for. It’s easy for me to figure out what I don’t want. What do I want that is within my current reality? Small or big. I sit with the possibilities and end up complicating my thinking. I’ve got myself convinced if I understand what is happening in the world, it will free me from the uncertainty. I’m trying to soothe my pain by complicating my thinking as I try to figure out what’s behind the next corner? I’m back to uncertainty. It feels like a hopeless loop. I get tired. I get impatient. I get confused.
There’s no doubt about it – everyone is feeling it. My remedy exists in the present moment. I am grateful for the sunrise and sunset. I am grateful for my ability to think beyond my limitations. I am grateful for the wisdom I’ve gathered and continue to gather from my life experience.
Everyone is doing the best they can with what they know. Everyone is unique and yet we are the same. Every person has had a childhood. Every person has wounds from living their life. I am grateful for my compassion. I am grateful I am aware of my thoughts, emotions and actions.
In the words of Matt Kahn, I pray:
May I hurt without hurting another
May I feel without projection
May I share my feelings without any form of gossip
May I act from my soul’s highest conduct and not use the behavior of others to justify anything less
May I abide in kindness and compassion, respect and gratitude for myself, my loved ones and for the world
May I become the change I wish to see no matter how tiny of a step or how bold of a leap I am willing to take
May I be faithful in the light that is always faithful in me
May I be the love I’m waiting for
May I be the trust I’m hoping to find
May I be the solutions I’m waiting to see for all sentient beings and
She had spent most of life
anxious and agonizing –
Unnecessarily, as it turned out.
She even sensed it at the time –