Lately I’ve been feeling so thankful. Thankful for a morning off with my husband, catching up with a sweet friend, our nieces and nephews, opportunities to learn and grow creatively, the courage to break from my comfort zone and seek to know others, broken relationships now restored–especially, especially this. God continues to work in me–changing my heart, convicting me, drawing me nearer to him, helping me love others and receive the love offered to me with gratitude, gentleness, and grace. Things I cannot hope to do on my own. The Lord is always faithful.
In a few days I’ll be heading to the hospital for another surgery and I’m glad to have these reminders of God’s mercies to take along with me.
The last few weeks have been full. We’ve been out of town a few times on short trips–meetings, a conference (for David), and celebrating my birthday last week. David gifted me with a day-trip to Charleston and even though it rained and I wasn’t feeling my best, we had a sweet time, which is always something to be grateful for. But David and I have fallen prey to the monster that is busyness and we need to examine whether that fits in with what we want and what we believe. The filling up of our time hasn’t necessary been productive.
In Charleston, despite being glad for the comfort of my husband, I was overwhelmed by fear–my emotions heightened to the point of tears and trembling and retreating with no understanding of how to make it better. My anxiety has been on the rise since December, and although I’m not sure of the exact trigger yet, this post resonated with me. Simply acknowledging that something feels off is freeing.
Anxiety has been a struggle for me all my life, and later I realized depression as well, but now, at the point where I avoid everything and everyone who isn’t my husband, something’s got to give. My responses are as much a natural physiological reaction to stimuli (crowds, being the center of attention, going someplace new alone, having to talk to strangers) as they are responses to the things specific to my life that cause me stress, a persistent and often debilitating tendency to worry. The smallest interactions seem terrifying because of what might happen, what topic might come up, what uncomfortable or sorrowful thing I may have to deal with when what I really want to do is pretend it doesn’t exist. Every interaction is a possible scenario in which I’ll have to explain myself, justify myself, prove my worth to others when I don’t know if I believe it to be true. A situation where I’ll have to take stock of my life and find myself wanting. The simple question, “What have you been up to?” overwhelms me, and that’s just not right. It’s not right that much of my life feels like getting by, or hiding. But it is okay. As difficult as it is, I do believe I’m exactly where I need to be.
I’m making time to understand how I feel, starting with writing this post, something I’ve been avoiding. I’m thankful for my husband who’s pushed me to think about what’s been going on physically and emotionally, pushed me to accept those parts of myself without giving in to them. I’m beginning to see that I can free myself from these mental burdens, this loneliness and isolation. I’m not confined to the limitations I’ve always believed my anxiety placed on me.
In a few weeks I’ll be going with David to book related events, things I usually skip out of fear. And that’s a good start.
Much has gone wrong in the last few years, the last six months even. I’d love to stop talking about this “difficult season” but it’s not one of those things that resolves itself quickly. I keep thinking I’m over the hurdle, that surely now I will have something positive to talk about, something good to report. But there’s always one more thing, always something to stress and worry about no matter what our lives look like. Recently I’ve referenced vaguely a lifting of physical and emotional burdens, but almost immediately I’m knocked back down with difficulties creeping their way in again. It’s discouraging to glimpse a time and feeling that wasn’t always so elusive only to have it crawl back into hiding soon after. It sounds wildly melodramatic when I type out the words, but I’ve felt stuck for so long.
I’m practicing being thankful this week, which is so hard to do despite saying you want to. It’s no surprise that I’m still working on it, chipping away at my stubborn, ingrained negativity, succeeding and failing a little every day. It’s easy to overlook good things in the midst of challenges, pain, and sorrow, the ups and downs. In an effort to overshadow some of the darkness I’ve been experiencing and work towards being a more loving and gracious person, I’m going to take time daily or weekly to reflect on the things I’m thankful for, actually putting them front and center in my mind and writing them down. Instead of saying, “I want to be more positive and thankful,” a very abstract and overwhelming task that doesn’t come naturally, I need to give myself a specific catalyst for refocusing. It’s not that good things don’t happen, rather it’s difficult to notice them because I’m used to not even looking. I expect the worst so I see the worst. It’s my hope to change that–to see the good first even amongst sorrow, to be guided by a spirit of hope and not despair–and I’ll share some of my thoughts here along the way.
This week I’m thankful for my sweet, bad dogs, the hand-me-down gift of a second car (an older model of the car we planned on getting anyway!), the good business we’ve had at the store. I’m thankful for the check reimbursing us for a small portion of my medical expenses (every little bit helps). I’m thankful for little things: fresh flowers, hot tea, good movies. I’m thankful for the Lord, knowing he is never absent from my life, especially in those moments I’m in over my head.
I hesitate to make resolutions as they tend to come across as disingenuous and are so often ignored, tucked away and never thought about after January. But I do believe it’s worthwhile to reflect and recognize areas that are a struggle for me, how I can work to improve my faith, marriage, mind, and heart. I’ll refrain from looking back on 2014, a painful year following several others just like it, with sadness and regret, but instead look to the year ahead with clarity and hope. Though I haven’t been perfect at it, I’m looking forward to continuing the efforts I wrote about on my first entry on this blog–to appreciate and see beyond life’s messiness and reveal what’s meaningful and genuine.
It is my hope to: Be myself without fear. // Buy less and save more. Live without. // Read no less than two books a month. More non-fiction. // Write more outside the blog. // Let the good in others outweigh the bad or the offense. // Forgive. // Cultivate an atmosphere of peace at home. // Be a thoughtful, generous wife. // Guard against complaining and negativity as a default response. // Try to make friends and accept that it will be difficult. // Spend more time outdoors. // Be less judgmental, more gracious. Do not withhold love. // Collage. // Dedicate time away from technology. Be undistracted. // Simplify my life, and my belongings. // Practice gratitude. Remember to be present and content.
More than anything, this year I endeavor to be a kinder, gentler person, less swayed by sinful emotions and more motivated by the redeeming blood of Jesus Christ.
I went to my mother-in-law’s house this week and snapped a few photos of her chickens, just because. They kind of terrify me but they’re interesting to observe. I’m looking forward to getting eggs from these pretty ladies.
It’s the middle of the year–far beyond time for resolutions–but I find myself looking for ways to change. To move in a happier, healthier direction. New and exciting things are happening and we, David and I, should make the most of them. Instead of focusing on grief and sorrow–those things I’m desperate to change but can’t–I hope this blog helps me see and appreciate the small joys of daily life just as it is. Here’s to a new life well documented.