As part of a New Year tradition, I was going over the past year and recalling the lessons that I've integrated. A major irrational belief that I blasted through this year involved avoiding conflict in order to keep the peace in my personal and professional relationships. I mistakenly believed that I was rising above my lower vibrational impulses and allowing the mere mortals to have their selfish desires. At first, I felt great about myself and believed that I must be some sort of saint and/or goddess. However, the resentment and bitterness that comes with having unmet needs and overrun boundaries turned this "saint" into a prickly, judgmental, and enraged witch.
It's funny when you're an intuitive. You sometimes and somehow expect employers, partners, and parents to read your mind and fulfill your telepathic requests. Can you guess how this lack of communication and void of understanding shows up? That's right-- mental resentment and resistance, emotional flare-ups and fatigue, physical tension and exhaustion, & spiritual dissonance and depression. When you're in that state, not much time needs to lapse before your inner toddler overthrows your higher self. And that's exactly who began to show up in my relationships.
I was unable to refuse her because she just didn't trust my self-parenting skills and decided that she would need to be the representative if we were to be heard and get our needs met. Voicing those needs required such underdeveloped muscles at first, that making a simple request felt like a personal defeat. It's like when you've been sitting in silence for a significant amount of time and any subtle sound intrudes upon your ears, completely jarring your nervous system. That's what it felt like to begin to ask for what I needed or to let it be known that my boundaries were being trespassed. It felt so unnatural, weak, and downright selfish at times.
But let's get one thing straight... If you would've attempted to label me a martyr, I would've proudly corrected you with the term self-sufficient. Asking for help, being real about my expectations, or admitting my genuine feelings required a vulnerability and willingness to risk rejection (or worse yet- abandonment ) that I believed I couldn't afford. When I initially began revealing my authentic point of view outloud, I felt uneasy, uncomfortable, and I immediately regretted it. My new tactic was not well-received to say the least. After all, it seemed a complete departure from my former, "self-sufficient" self. I swore to never let anyone into my inner world again. Every instance felt like further proof that these thoughts and feelings were not for sharing. The tension and wound in my heart and in the relationship seemed unbearable, and I was sure we would need to part ways forever. Dramatic, I know.
However, something miraculous began to happen. The individuals that I was convinced I had alienated began to treat me with a respect I hadn't received before. And the ease they now felt around me (by finally knowing where I stand) put me at ease for once. Instead of feeling like I had to beg for verbal and emotional scraps telepathically (which I can now acknowledge as completely pathetic), my needs began to be anticipated and fulfilled joyfully. I began to feel valued and loved. Fast forward to today- thanks for going back there with me by the way!
If I could emphasize three major take-aways from my experience here, they would be:
1. Ask for what you want. Nobody reads minds, and you're ensuring that your needs WON'T be met if you refuse to present them.
2. Be real and express your true feelings. The dentist doesn't know she struck a nerve if you don't say, "Ouch!"
3. The wisdom of your higher self will always be trumped by your neglected inner toddler. Be a good parent and step up the self-care!