GoodTherapy | How Being a Pleaser May Increase Your Risk of Infidelity
How Being a Pleaser May Increase Your Risk of Infidelity
April 8, 2014 • By Hilary Silver, LCSW, Infidelity / Affair Recovery Topic Expert Contributor
Cheating is an emotionally charged topic. When we hear of an affair, our immediate response can feel like a punch in the stomach. We empathize with what the betrayed partner must be going through. For most of us, in those moments, we feel aligned to that person because we either know from experience or can imagine what she or he must be feeling after such a revelation.
We may become triggered, wondering if our own relationship is vulnerable to an affair, and how we would get through such a traumatic experience. We may even decide we no longer want to associate with the partner who cheated, and cut off all ties or distance ourselves.
No relationship is immune to infidelity. Research has shown that oftentimes partners are not looking for affairs, but they gradually slide into one because the opportunity presents itself. Some relationships may be more susceptible than others, because of factors such as keeping separate social circles or having demanding careers that require travel or excessive time away from home.
An often-overlooked risk factor making a relationship vulnerable to infidelity is the presence of one or both partners having a “people pleasing” personality type.
What does people-pleasing have to do with cheating?
Pleasers tend to share a commonly held set of assumptions:
Who I am, what I think, how I feel, what I need or want, and what I care about are not as important as everyone else.
My point of view isn’t valid or correct.
Everyone else comes before me.
If I speak up for myself or share my true self with others I may be rejected.
Conflict is scary and should be avoided.
I must be who others want or expect me to be—and do what others want or expect me to do.
In a relationship of any kind, these assumptions translate into behavior and feelings that look like this:
Agreeing to things you may not agree with, and then possibly being upset with yourself for the incongruence
Doing things for others you don’t want to do or have time to do, and then feeling resentful or taken for granted and taken advantage of
Keeping thoughts and feelings to yourself or withholding your truth, and then ruminating about it, or expecting others to read your mind or body language
Acquiescing or surrendering your position to your partner, and being upset you aren’t getting your needs met
Withholding bits of the truth to avoid conflict
Saying everything is fine, when your behavior clearly shows you are not fine (passive aggression or silent treatment)
Pleasers often end up in places they do not want to be: they marry the person their parents adore; they propose because that is the next logical step; they have babies because their spouse is ready for parenthood. Pleasers may stay in a relationship because that is what they feel they are supposed to do.
They live their lives by assumptions, and in the end do not really have a strong sense of who they are and what they want. They are often in a lot of emotional pain. Though they may feel hurt, resentment, and confusion, they do not actively acknowledge it within themselves.
Over time, the pleaser disappears in the relationship. They have been forsaken for the “should”. And when both partners are not showing up and representing themselves as two distinct individuals the, relationship can become ripe for an affair.
Which Partner Is at Risk for Cheating?
Well, that depends. The pleaser may cheat because she is extremely unhappy but doesn’t have the skills and sense of worth to speak up. Instead of using her voice to express her needs to the other partner, her pain may lead her into the arms of an attentive or exciting other. This may come after an awakening or realization that she is discontent or that her current partner is not a match for her after all.
Maybe the pleaser begins to assert himself, but the tracks are too deeply grooved and the other partner is not responsive to the pleasing partner’s new protests. He may be shut down and shut out more firmly than before, so any attempt to correct the imbalance leads him to the conclusion that he is stuck in an unchanging, painful dynamic. Turning away from his partner to fulfill his needs is much more appealing.
It can also be the non-pleasing partner who, over time, gets bored with the lack of challenge or resistance to being in relationship with a pleaser. There can be little push back or debate with a pleaser. The pleaser becomes invisible because who he or she is as a person is not adequately represented in the relationship.
The non-pleasing partner may feel suffocated by the needs and symbiotic pull (enmeshment) of the pleaser and can’t get enough time alone. An affair can be an act of defiance—a declaration of “I need some space.”
While there is no failsafe measure to protect against a breach of the marital walls, moving toward truth telling and away from pleasing will certainly help to minimize some of the risk. When both partners show up every day sharing the truth of who they really are, they create a strong, secure attachment to one another.
They acknowledge and are able to respond to each other’s separate and distinct needs. And this affirmation of both partners within the relationship keeps some of the holes filled so they are less likely to be filled outside the marriage.
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There are no easy answers when it comes to infidelity. The person who is the people pleaser is going to feel very guilty for what they have done to the family but at the same time they have to be missing something in their lives to even think of doing nsomething like this and then acting on it. The one who is cheated on is additionally going to be hurt because many times they will honestly have no clue what they could have done differently and why all of a sudden things could have changed and their spouse could have turned to cheating looking for happiness. Again there are never any easy answers when it comes to thsi issue because everyone is going to be hurt by the actions of one or the other.
Are we trying to make excuses here or what? Sorry but no matter what the personality the behavior is inexcusable
Charla I 100% concur ,it is nice to see someone who doesn’t agree with excuses.Having experienced infidelity many times I know how it feels,it kills every times.I think of someone is unhappy and there can be no solution after trying with professional help then leave.but no peole make excuses trying to justify disgusting behavior.
Just because the risk could be increased should in no way be your excuse to then go out and cheat and say, oh well I am a people pleaser so I had to do it. No, this could increase the risk but it does not have to increase the certainty. There are lots of things that I could be more susceptible to do, like I like fast cars so I should drive faster, or I love rich foods so I should overeat. But I don’t do these things because I know they could be bad for me and the same thing goes for being unfaithful in my marriage
This article is so incredibly good!!
Please don’t judge until you have found yourself in thsi situation. I am a person who wants to make everyone happy. I have always been like this and it has always been at the expense of my own self. I never look to my own happiness as being as important as that of others and recently that has caught up with me. I have started feeling like I wwant to be needed and made to feel good but I suppose that I have allowed my husband to get away with it for so long that he is uninterested or somethng, I don’t know, so I turned to someone who could make me feel special. I cheated and I feel terrible but on the other hand I feel good to have finally made a decision that makes me first. I am struggling with whather to continue with this or end it as I am afraid if I do end it then I will go back to letting everyne run over me and I will lose out on what I have found. But I am scared that if I tell then I will lose everything.
Stop! Go get some counseling for yourself. Then for your marriage. If your marriage still isnt fulfilling you then you can say you tried. More importantly, you’ll be a Healthy individual making decisions for Yourself. You wont be hurting your spouse, children, whomever. It feels good to feel good but under no circumstance should you cheat in order to do so. Take care of buisness get yourself healthy or you won’t be happy in the long run. BTW my husband cheated on me and it has nearly destroyed me. Do what’s right NOT what feels good in the moment.
Emmorie agreed.Overall is it LOVELY to see people on here agree that NO matter what cheating is the worst pain you can put a partner through.I thought I was the only one remaining these days who thought this way,thankfully there are moral people about,I need to move where you guys live lol :)
What was inside you that rationalized yourself to cheat is not truth only a lie you believed. Now you are left with the hard reality that you have everything to lose. Everything you do from this point on will either be a continual lie or the complete truth. No one who first lies to themselves and then everyone else is ever truely free. You either live in the light or in darkness. If you made a mistake don’t continue to do so. Face life in the light.
I am scared. Ia m scared that this could be me before I even realized what was happening. I have a pattern of this kind of give and take in life and even though I am committed to my girlfriend I also know that I can be very vulnerable to this type of behavior.
Just because you feel like you have disappeared from this person’s life does not give you the right or a good reason to get involved with another.
Think about all of the lives you could be hurting if this is a choice that you make. You are not only hurting your spouse and your family but there could be another entire family that you are affecting too. These are the things that you should think through a little more clearly before making this kind of decision to cheat.
I think this is being used as an excuse for infidelity. There are no excuses or justification. Inflidelity is a choice, a dishonest, selfish and immature way of dealing with life. There are plenty of others who dont cheat on their partners and people pleasing is not blanket excuse for all manner of behaviours that hurt others. There is the choice to work on oneself but then that would take looking at yourself, your flaws or issues an hard work. Cheating is the easy option and one anyone can justify to themselves by blaming others e.g. spouse. Does people pleasing then result in a lack of morality or respect for others? is it a condition used to justify then all manner of behaviour that hurts others? I think not. We are adults and we have a choice as to how to resolve our problems and also the choice to leave a relationship before cheating on a spouse. But then that would mean not having your cake and eating it. So are people pleasers then selfish as well? there would have to be selfishness to stay in a relationship and cheat. Perhaps people pleasers would best spend their time working on themselves than in someone else bed and online looking for excuses to justify doing great damage to partners, children and family. Cheating isnt about people pleasing, its about immaturity, selfishness, cowardice, inability to take responsibility and disregarding significant needs of others for trust and fidelity and its about lying, deceit and betrayal. No one is driven to cheat or made do it. Its a choice and with that comes consequences.
Straight up agree with this…people who have cheated and are “people pleasers” will take this as their “thorn” in life and will use it as an excuse to cheat. My husbands ex-mistress claims this same disability so that she doesn’t have to face the fact that she also participated. Ha, she’s never been faithful to her husband, but why fess up? This is her disability so she can fall into anything.
Infidelity isnt an act of assertion or about finally asserting your needs, its an act of aggression against another person or people and one that is not in any way a proportionate, fair or appropriate response to whatever problems exist in a relationship. You cant expect a spouse to read your mind and know what your needs are if you dont communicate them. In fact not doing so is extremely disrespectful to a spouse and sets them up to fail. When they inevitable do fail, its not good enough to turn it back on them and use their failure as a reason to be unfaithful. Talk about a double whammy!
I want to thank everyone for reading my article and taking the time to post your comments. As I wrote in the beginning of the article- the topic of cheating will stir even the most calm and forgiving. I would like to make it clear that nowhere in the article was I condoning or excusing the decision to cheat. On the contrary, by bringing attention to this often overlooked and painful dynamic I hope to give pause to anyone who may find themselves in it. It is always best to find your voice and turn towards your partner and not away, in order to get needs met. The fallout is devastating for both partners as I work with couples dealing with the consequences every day. If you read this article and found it eerily and disconcertingly familiar, I urge you to find a therapist so you can do your part in growth and prevention. If it turns out you must leave your relationship, find your courage, bypass the affair and spare yourselves much heartache. And if you have already experienced infidelity, after much healing for both partners, it can either help to transform your relationship or will be a catalyst for meaningful change in each partner as you part ways.
Unless this is like reading a horoscope, this article is my x. Growing up pleasing her father, with bedroom favors, exotic dancing , and guys in several cities she serviced to feel power with sex or engaging in group activities at the request of abusive men . Then keeping it from me till after we were married. The abundant articles about cheating and promiscuous sex that ONLY target men are so false. Women are not Innocent victims portrayed by all the articles. I challenge you Hillary to find just ONE that is about women in deceiving good men. I know because I was single for a long time, to my shame in my youth countless married women knocked on my door or my room on a only girls vacation or kept me on speed dial for “trips to the mall
“, telling me they married for $, deceived these men ,then go home with a husband clueless to the fact of they were living a LIE. IM sure its all men’s fault , kinda like racism against others is justified from past historical slaves.
I learned the hard way about hurt but someone needs to ENLIGHEN men about this fact because I was not a one in a million guy with a steady stream ( no pun) of married women at my door. It was not love or emotional as most women say sex is to them it was pure lust . Women have rhe best con game going . No I am not bitter. Lol before you analyze me ..I am not fabricating any of this. This would be a best seller. Note to all guys , keep your mouth shut don’t alert your wife, but pay close attention or secretly go to the beach following your wife and GIRL friends. Shadow them on the trip. You won’t like what you see.!!
anon- do you really think that this is about being aggressive? I think that it is mor about telling someone just how unhappy you are with life.
Yeah she was a people pleaser and she pleased the wrong guy and came home with proof! I worked my ass off to provide for my family while she pleased he mother and her marriage! If he or she cheated on you then get out! They were not worth being with to being with. Its the sad truth! You may have not been the best person and may have been the 1/2 of the problem no doubt, but that person who cheated did the ultimate wrong as is begging to be free. Let them go and do yourself a favor kids or no kids.. Get out!!
My 2 cents, from someone who has been lied to and lied to after trying to make it work!
This makes sense in understanding, not excusing this behavior that is so sad to me. It makes me wonder why we don’t all mandate ourselves to communication counseling early in our relationships – because it doesn’t always get better without work and can go on poorly for years.
The amount of hate stirred up by this topic detracts from the cause. People who cheat dont intend to hurt. I know first hand. The reasons for it are comp!ex and weighted down by immense guilt. My husband and I survived because he didn’t hate me for it – he looked for understanding. We are now healthier than ever. Stop hating. Seek understanding. And once a cheater does not make always a cheater… Unless the support system is full of hate.
Great response! I agree with we have to ask WHY sometimes and look deeply to determine if the relationship still means enough to be saved. When people cheat it creates hurt and questions. The spouses/partners who take the time to work together to heal together are better in the long run! So many people are quick to say, “It’s wrong!!! Leave him/her now!!!” Good therapy is looking into personality types so that actual healing can occur and the behavior is less likely to repeat.
I know this thread is kind of old but I really need advice. A few months ago I cheated on my girlfriend after a big fight about a letter I wrote when I was venting and never intended for her to read. Needless to say, she was very upset when she found it crumpled up on the floor and decided to read it. Anyways, I made the biggest mistake of my life that night by going home, getting drunk, and cheating. I let another man use his hand on me. I instantly panicked after it happened and called her to explain some of the details but I had refused to acknowledge that I cheated because not only does it go against everything I’ve ever stood for but I had also given no verbal or physical consent for it to happen. I had only recently been able to fully admit to myself and her that I felt like it was cheating no matter how we tried to examine it. I can’t stop obsessing about it. It takes up almost all of my day just thinking about it. We’ve decided that we still love each other and can’t imagine a life without the other. Naturally we both still have issues regarding the whole matter as it was only 3 months ago and we had only recently come to full terms regarding the issue. I just broke down on her again this morning regarding the whole thing and she’s completely nurturing about it even though I know she’s still having some trouble as well. She told me that it doesn’t matter to her whether it could be considered cheating or not cuz she can see how devastated I am about all the pain I’ve caused us and she knows it won’t ever happen again. I still feel like shit though. Is it natural to completely obsess about this and if so does it ever go away to where we can start enjoying our lives again? She seems to be on a fairly quick path for recovery but I’m afraid of getting stuck in the depression of it all. If anyone has any insight or has been where I am, please help me. I just want to move on and live a happy life.
I used to believe that love and relationships lasted forever and it was a rude awakening to me to find out that not all do; it went against everything I was raised to believe. Sure it hurts, but that is life. Life goes on. As I matured, I have come to understand people better. There are so many judgmental people in this world. No one should judge another persons circumstances because you don’t know what is going on. There is no ONE recipe for relationships that everyone should follow. I believe in the Reason, Season, Lifetime missive and that helps me let go. It just wasn’t meant to be; Why hang on to something or someone if it wasn’t meant to be?
I think this is a warning, not an excuse. The intent seems to be to warn people-pleasers and their partners that a possible manifestation of their people-pleasing behavior is infidelity. It is telling us to get help if we see these patterns and save our loved ones the pain of an affair.
We can all look for excuses as to if we think this is right or if it is wrong and we are going to mostly use the things that make us feel the best about the choices we have made. You can’t go on through life though hanging on to the old same tired excuses. There is a right and a wrong but there are always those who are looking for an easy way out and a way to escape the fact that what they are doing is making some unwise choices. What makes you feel good today might lead you to feeling terrible tomorrow and that is always something to remember.
Yes Kendall
I think infidelity can have at its roots passive agression. The person goes about dealing with their unmet needs or lack of ability to communicate needs or frustration by cheating on their partner. Its a way of getting back at the person without confrontation or indeed having the respect or perhaps skills or motivation to communicate first what they are unhappy with. We can all find many excuses to justify cheating but in the end their are no valid excuses. There are always other options, yes they require harder work and self examination and are not an easy fix but less damaging in the long run. I personally dont accept excuses for cheating, yes there may be explanations and I dont see how judgement, being human, can be taken out of the equation. This sort of behaviour will be judged and harshly as its very destructive, it breaks up families, it steals childrens sense of security and stability, it destroys trust, destroys reputations, and has a ripple effect that extends to extended family, friends and many others. It has like many other things that people turn to, to address unhappiness, at its roots selfishness and self interest. It probably is a very strong over reaction to people pleasing, self first, but there is always the opportnity to find the middle ground and do the work. Since when did sleeping around, deceit and betrayal resolve issues with people pleasing nature?
I dont accept that people who cheat dont intend to hurt. I think there can be the intention to hurt as the person is angry with the spouse. I also fail to see that any human being would lack the self awareness and capacity to know that what they are doing can hurt, is hurtful, is wrong and remaining in guilt is not a healthy response. When people remain in guilt, all they end up doing is making themselves the victim here, justifying their actions by what they perceive as slights against them and then seek to blame others as thats what victim/guilt mentality elicits in these cases-blame others for their behaviour and dont take personal responsibility.
Thanks Hilary for writing about this ever so touchy subject. It definitely stirs the emotional vulnerable places within each of us. It is important to look at the underlying humanity in all of it. We are all doing the best we can and with that comes the many experiences that can either propel us into our own awakening or keep us in the same pattern of thinking…either one has many risks. I like to believe that all of us have the opportunity to look deeply into our patterns of behavior that cause our suffering or contribute to another’s suffering and ultimately we are responsible for understanding the aspects of ourselves that create these experiences. Being kind to ourselves during the process is key and having a non-judgemental attitude creates an open field for our higher selves to emerge..peace to all
Thank you for this insightful article. Your comment” If you read this article and found it eerily and disconcertingly familiar, I urge you to find a therapist…”, well that is me and my present situation. And, yes, I will take your advice. Life can be rather complicated at times.
Hilary, thank you for this article. I am going through some tough times now and this really helped.
Hi April, I’m sorry you are struggling and I’m glad the article was helpful. I offer skype sessions so if you feel you need more support please contact me and we can set it up.
I was wondering if you know of or have any articles on the people pleaser cheating to please others? Or something along those lines… Or if you would be willing to chat or Skype about it.
I haven’t read many other articles that link people pleasing with cheating actually. I would be happy to set up a time to Skype or have a conversation with you.
I have been reading through some responses here and realise that people have very strong opinions. I want to share my story…I will not make excuses for my behaviour as I have none. All I can say is I identify with some of the characteristics as a people pleaser. Please also note…that I too had a very strong opinion on this subject until I found myself in the current hell that I’m in. I’m seeing a counsellor..600kms away from my hometown who specialises in grief,trauma,abuse..my father committed adultery when I was 3..left my mother and brother in a van to survive….needless to say childhood was a struggle…And things were probably harder than they should have been…I grew up….some things happened that were not pleasant..inc,rape taking my virginity, abuse,Physical Assault.
It does something to you. It takes your self worth away. I fell pregnant to a guyI liked…but because of my situation at time..I was coorced to abort….i never disclosed who the father was. Then 19 years of marriage to my husband….the father of my baby crossed my path….i wanted to seek closure for guilt…and well I was vulnerable…..that’s how it happens…no..cut and dry…it’s complex… I’m now dealing and living with the consequences daily…..it’s hell…today I’m still married…but my husbands paranioa which existed pre -affair is tenfold…
The only problem in this scenario is accepting a committed relationship and not actually committing with actions. It’s understandable but also relationships require effort and without effort your husband is always going to be on the losing end. IMO I think you need to own the fact that your husbands paranoia is well rooted in reality since they came true. If I were you and I cared about him I would do everything in my power to reassure him that although mistakes have been made it won’t happen again. This means constantly reassuring him that you understand his paranoia and acknowledging to him that you play a significant part in this. His paranoia is rooted in deep care for you. You are important to him otherwise he wouldn’t even get paranoid. What more could anyone ask for in life than to know they have a committed partner that will put their SO feelings and needs above their own? As a man, all I want to know is that my SO is not putting herself in situations where infidelity is even a possibility. If I ended up in a bad situation I would tell my SO after it happened and explain how unsatisfied I was with the situation. This will always allow the issue to be in the light and will avoid paranoia from him IMO because he is reassured that you are thinking of him in this situations. All your SO needs to know is that you are his woman. If you make a concerted effort to reassure him his paranoia with pass faster than the common cold.
Hope , I was married to a lady that had a similar life to yourself, I was so busy working all the time and didn’t see the pain she was going through, I found out she had had more than one affair, it crushed me , I had gone from a happy joking around type of guy to a unhappy pain in the ass that could put the past behind me . The result of that was the end of our marriage, I loved my wife to bits and now she has moved on but I have found that I am scared to get into a relationship because I am scared of getting my heart broken, it sounds to me the guy that you had an affair with took advantage of you and in order to make your marriage work I think it would be a good idea to keep clear of him and with your husband it’s a huge thing to go through as a man , he must really love you to stay
I took this aricle to point out how a pleaser can unintentionally cause a cheating situation on either side: the pleaser (that would be me in my current relationship), and my boyfriend, on and off 4 yrs. I love to make him happy, but don’t always feel he cares as much for me, which could cause me to want to look elsewhere. He, not being the pleaser, may actually want more of a challenge with someone else. Or it could be that since the pleaser never wanted to rock the relationship boat, when she does finally share her true feelings, he’s not onboard and can feel overburdened. Most guys are not all about sharing feelings. They want to identity the problem and fix it.
oh my god, it’s so true. Thank you for this article. Im people pleaser, since whatever times. My mother had me when she was 19, divorced after 1 year, and she always was for her own needs – parties, etc. There was nobody for me… Anyway eventually I ended up married with narcisit psychopath con artist, and very very far way on the other side of the world…. I had an affair, not because I was looking for it, just opportunity presented, somebody made me feel well and so… Obviously marriage became much worse, by the way my husband was 10 years older, controlling “in charge” – of everything, including my business, not only life…. Divorce was hard I made it over it, but still hes not paying child maintenance or school fees, but sees son regular, and I keep quiet for a sake of peace…. Anyway I been in relationships and keep stumbling on guys who emotionally unavailable, so started googling – and here I am…. And here is another thought, just came to my mind those in charge controlling guys love dogs very very much, so Im thinking maybe because dogs are not demanding and obey they masters
This article really hits home for me. I had an affair with my then-boss who yes, I wanted to please. The affair ruined my marriage and almost ended my life (I became suicidal when the reality of what I had done set in).
I will mention very briefly that I am the only man to have experienced infidelity by 11 different women.My counselors over the years also agree.I’m just a regular guy who was raised with high morals.I have no substance abuse issues,but severe depression due to above helped destroy may last relationship with the girl I thought I would marry.Now I’m on light meds and feeling so much better,more like my old self from my early adult years.Any comments or questions feel free, wishing you all happiness in your partnerships :)
I am always amazed at people judging others! How can anyone judge an other human? When you are in a very very sad situation, you are capable of doing wrong! I love my wife so much, she has spent her life pleasing people. I tried and tried and tried again, we talked about the damage this pleasing was doing to our marriage! It made no difference! I had an affair, silly, stupid me! I wish I had not, biggest mistake in my life by far! When you are desperate for happiness you are capable of doing something wrong!
Nothing, nothing justifies lying, cheating and betraying your spouse.
It is horrible to cheat & I would hope people before they harshly throw stones look into causes of infidelity. I have a history of a string of trauma from childhood through adulthood. Yes, being a people pleaser, feeling invisible, being blamed for not getting pregnant and other issues which lead to feelings of shame and self-loathing will lead someone to get comfort from someone else. It is sad when people just want to label someone as a horrid person when a person may be just trying to survive. I feel bad that people go through the pain and all involved have to walk through it but it should be addressed with more compassion for all parties not a stoning.
I was married to an egotistical man for many years. We went thru many many challenges and I was the people pleaser. He was emotionally unavailable. He ended up cheating and when I finally found out, told him to leave and for the first time ever, had what he called the “upper hand”. He had to pay me spousal support and I only wish I would have found my voice years earlier!