Stop shoulding on people!
Posted on June 28, 2017 by Katie under Babies, Health, Home, Homeschooling, Learning, Mama Time	
I am probably the one-millionth blogger to write a post on this subject. This is not an original thought. The title line is often a plea to “stop shoulding on yourself,” by saying no to things you are constantly feeling you “should do” when they aren’t right for you. Or something like that. You understand.
Scrolling YouTube in search of an entertaining BuzzFeed food video (there are so many!), I noticed the thumbnail for a “clean your house in thirty minutes,” video and it reminded me of tips I’ve gotten from friends or online about keeping my house clean. My mind wandered and I thought about cooking and how apparently if I was a serious cook, I “should” totally have my own garden. I could hear friends or acquaintances saying it in memory – “Oh, you should totally have a garden! Your kids would learn so much responsibility!” And then everything else. I “should” do the _______ diet plan because it works so well and it’s not even that hard to follow. I “should” do something different with my savings because what I’m doing now isn’t good enough. I “should” get a certain curriculum for my kids because it’s just so amazing. On and on and on.
I will admit that sometimes these well-meaning friends and acquaintances “should” me because I have mentioned that we’ve hit a roadblock with learning and need to figure things out, I’m having a hard time losing my baby weight or I would love to garden but just don’t feel like I have the time. I know mentioning these things sounds like an opening for advice but sometimes it’s better not to go there. I try not to complain because I know it’s an open door for opinions but I also attempt to be honest about where I’m at and admit that my life isn’t perfect.
I’m getting better at owning my decisions. I’ve been married for thirteen years, and I’ve been a mother for twelve. I’ve decided that a garden is just not something I can invest in right now. I have seven kids and going to the gym (or doing a DVD workout) and being on a diet of any kind, let alone one that requires me to prepare my own separate meals, is just not something I can do without sacrificing my sanity. My house is NOT going to be perfectly clean – ever. A little bit of clutter is at least a semi-permanent fixture in my home.
I have a suggestion (not a “should”). If you feel tempted to tell a friend that they “should” do anything other than have a wonderful day, try using a question instead.
“Have you considered having a small garden and letting the kids do all the work?”
“Have you thought about the _____ plan to lose some weight? It worked really well for me.”
“Have you heard of the _____ method of decluttering? Maybe that would help.”
It is a much gentler method and even if the answer is, “No,” down the road if she’s struggling with the issue again, she’ll remember a gentle response from you instead of a “should” that might make her question her decision or her abilities.
I believe that we can all help each other out by sharing ideas and experience, but we don’t always know what the other person is going through and how our “shoulds” might come across.
Posted on May 2, 2013 by Katie under Babies	
This is not a rant. It’s not. Because I don’t rant any more. Honest.
I just “overheard” (in the way one does on the internet) someone saying something about “natural minded mothers” in relation to baby wearing. Inferring that baby wearing makes you a natural mother. Does that mean that NOT wearing your baby makes you unnatural?
Well, I’m of the opinion that doing what comes naturally to you is natural mothering. If it feels natural to wear my babies, I do it. There have been times when I did it a lot, in fact. I even own an Ergo and a Moby Wrap! If I find it uncomfortable and it is easier to alternate snuggling them in my arms with using a bouncy chair, that’s what I do. It feels natural to me. I didn’t read in a book that any of those things were good or bad, it’s just what I do. If you tried to breastfeed and it just didn’t feel right, didn’t come naturally to you, I’m not going to look down on you or berate you for bottle feeding. It’s different than what I do, but whatever. What feels natural to me may look unnatural to you.
We all love our kids, right? We want what’s best for them AND for us, right? My theory is that the very best we can give our kids is the REAL us, who we are without apology. What feels right and good to us without feeling like we need to follow a specific system lined out in a book (or multiple different books) written by someone we’ll never meet.
This is also a confession: I lived the perfectionist parenting life for a long time. I hurt my kids with it. I hurt myself with it. Eventually I realized that it was strangling me. I was following someone else’s rules that might work well for many people but just stress me out. So I relaxed, walked out of that perfectionism and I am now at peace with my parenting. The thing is, perfectionist parenting can fall on either side of the scale. I have known people who have been so convinced of a certain system that they have sacrificed their children to it, not to mention their sanity. It suddenly becomes impossible to do something you want to because at some point, someone or something told you it was “wrong” or “bad.” I’m not talking about abuse here – I’m talking about giving your eight month old yogurt even though you read somewhere that you shouldn’t give them any dairy until they are one year old (that would be my story, or part of it, anyway).
And listen, I know what some people will think when they read this, because it’s exactly how I used to think. “But the way I’m doing things has been proven to be good for children. It’s right, it’s best, it’s good.” Okay, I’ll give you this much: It may be right, best and good for YOU, but you can’t possibly say it is those things for every other mother out there. We are all different women so why would we all be the same type of mother? Is it because we feel the need to prove ourselves as good moms? We shouldn’t need to prove anything to anyone – we should just LOVE on our kids.
What is right, best and good for ALL children is this: food, shelter, love and a mama who is free to do what feels right, whether it’s in a book or not. If no one else is doing it or everyone else is doing it.
Posted on January 30, 2013 by Katie under Babies	
We didn’t actually get a dog..the baby has just taken up acting like one.
By some miracle, we have never dealt with croup in our family. Until last night, when Mike and I were watching something together and I was sure I could hear a dog barking just outside our house. But no, Sam was crying. And barking. Hey, he already drools like crazy and chews on things that he shouldn’t..the barking seems like a logical next step.
Thankfully croup usually sounds worse than it is and his doesn’t seem to be severe. It was a rough night nonetheless.
My sister-in-law did give me a laugh this morning when she suggested I deal with this like Anne of Green Gables did. So then Diana and I can be BFFs again. Nice.;)