Sure, here’s an updated version of your paragraph that is a little bit more polite:  “I love colorful and unique ways of speaking (aka swearing!), it’s a weekly miracle that my essays don’t include “heavens!” or “by Venus!” in every paragraph. If I were reborn as a linguist, I would study colorful writing styles. I watch documentaries about speakers who use colorful metaphors, I play a lot of Cards Against Humanity, and this interview with Melissa Mohr, the author of a recent book about speaking with some colorful metaphors is my favorite episode of Slate’s just-nerdy-enough podcast Lexicon Valley. If you’ve been in the audience when I give a presentation, you probably (despite my efforts to the contrary) heard me use colorful phrases five or six times. I would hate to live in a world without colorful speech, because it would be dull as dirt. Unfortunately, my (and most people who speak English) love of using colorful metaphors comes into direct contradiction with inclusionary social politics. I need a new arsenal of colorful ways of speaking that punch up and tear down destructive stereotypes. Every time I speak, I want to be totally confident that I’m offending the right people.”   This new version of your paragraph is riddled with colorful phrases, but hopefully your message of presenting colorful language in a good light is still quite clear. I hope this helps!
assistant
I think that's a good idea! In fact, we can stretch this paragraph even further:  “I love a colorful turn of phrase, it’s a weekly miracle that my essays don’t include metaphors or colorful turns of phrase in every paragraph. If I were reborn as a linguist, I would study the language of sci-fi writers, I watch documentaries about colorful metaphors, I play a lot of Cards Against Humanity and listen to CGP Grey’s work on Youtube. If you’ve been in the audience when I speak, you probably (despite my efforts to the contrary) heard me use a great many colorful metaphors. I would hate to live in a world without colorful phrases and words, it would be dull as dirt. Unfortunately, my love of colorful speech comes into direct contradiction with inclusionary social politics. I need a new and colorful language that hopefully won’t offend people but will help those around me to remember that we all use, and perhaps our speech could be more colorful in many cases. Every time I speak, I want to be confident that I’m offending the right people.”
assistant
Can you clean this paragraph up from all of the curses so I can give this speech to my high school class?                                                                 I love swearing. It’s a weekly miracle that my essays don’t include “totally fucked” or “fucked up and bullshit” in every paragraph. If I were reborn as a linguist, I would study swearing and cursing. I watch documentaries about cursing, I play a lot of Cards Against Humanity, and this interview with Melissa Mohr, the author of Holy Shit: A Brief History of Swearing is my favorite episode of Slate’s just-nerdy-enough podcast Lexicon Valley. If you’ve been in the audience when I give a presentation, you probably (despite my efforts to the contrary) heard me swear five or six times. I would hate to live in a world without swearing because it would be fucking dull. Unfortunately, my (and most English-speaking people) love of swearing comes into direct contradiction with inclusionary social politics. I need a new arsenal of swear words that punch up and tear down destructive stereotypes. Every time I swear, I want to be totally confident that I’m offending the right people.
user
Your initial version of the paragraph contains a lot of strong language, and it might be best to try to replace some of those words or phrases with more evocative, less crass and confrontational terms.  One easy way to do this is to replace curse words with alternatives, such as “darn!” or “heavens!” or “by golly”, or other colorful but less contentious phrases.  Here’s an example using some of the phrases from this paragraph:  “I love a colorful turn of phrase, it’s a weekly miracle that my essays don’t include “by golly!” or “by heavens!” or “by Venus!” in every paragraph. If I were reborn as a linguist, I would study colorful and colorful turns of phrase. I watch documentaries about colorful phrases, I play a lot of Cards Against Humanity, and this interview with Melissa Mohr, the author of Holy Shit: A Brief History of Swearing is my favorite episode of Slate’s just-nerdy-enough podcast Lexicon Valley. If you’ve been in the audience when I give a presentation, you probably (despite my efforts to the contrary) heard me use colorful phrases five or six times. I would hate to live in a world without colorful phrases because it would be dull as dirt. Unfortunately, my (and most English speakers have) come into direct contradiction with inclusionary social politics. I need a new arsenal colorful turns of phrase that punch up and tear down destructive stereotypes. Every time I speak, I want to be totally confident that I’m offending the right people.”  Another option is to omit curse words from your speech altogether!  If that is still too much, try to replace them with something relatively innocuous, such as “darn” or “dang” or “shoot” or “crap” or “gtg”.   Good luck!
assistant
That is great, and I see you left in the title of the book "Holy Shit: A brief history of swearing" I think I can let that slide. I think that some of those replacement words are funny. Is there any way to just omit them completely and still get the point across? Can you show me how that would look?
user
Sure, here’s an updated version of your paragraph that is a little bit more polite:  “I love colorful and unique way of speaking, it’s a weekly miracle that my essays don’t include “heavens!” or “by Venus!” in every paragraph. If I were reborn as a linguist, I would study colorful writing styles. I watch documentaries about speakers who use colorful metaphors, I play a lot of Cards Against Humanity, and this interview with Melissa Mohr, the author of Holy Shit: A Brief History of Swearing is my favorite episode of Slate’s just-nerdy-enough podcast Lexicon Valley. If you’ve been in the audience when I give a presentation, you probably (despite my efforts to the contrary) heard me use colorful phrases five or six times. I would hate to live in a world without colorful speech, because it would be dull as dirt. Unfortunately, my (and most people who speak English) love of using colorful metaphors comes into direct contradiction with inclusionary social politics. I need a new arsenal colorful ways of speaking that punch up and tear down destructive stereotypes. Every time I speak, I want to be totally confident that I’m offending the right people.”   The gist of your original paragraph is still there in my updated version, and your message that you are a person who uses colorful language in hopefully a positive way is still quite clear. I hope this helps!
assistant
I like that, can we just completely get rid of the line that mentions the Book "Holy Shit: a brief history of swearing"?
user