The Shyness & Social Anxiety Workbook
220Assertive Communication
Often, people assume that passive and aggressive styles of communicating are their 
only two options. However, there is a third option. In contrast to aggressive and passive 
styles of communicating, assertive communication takes into account one’s own feelings, 
needs, and wants, as well as those of the other person. Assertive communication has 
many of the features of good communication, including a tendency to be direct, clear, 
and immediate. An example of an assertive way to invite someone to socialize is the 
question, “Would you like to see a movie with me this weekend?”
In addition, assertive communication should include actively listening to the other 
person’s perspective (including trying to hear and understand the other person’s point of 
view, validating the other person’s feelings, asking for clariﬁcation, and so on). Although 
assertive communication does not guarantee that you will get your way, compared with 
aggressive and passive styles of communication, assertive statements are more likely to 
keep the channels of communication open and to maximize the chances of reaching a 
mutually satisfactory resolution.
Dealing Assertively with Conﬂict Situations
If your goal is to convince someone else to change his or her behavior, an appropri -
ate way of doing that is to make sure that your message is neither passive nor aggressive. 
Instead, you should try to communicate your message in a way that is factual, direct, 
and empathic.
Begin by describing your observations regarding the situation. Observations reﬂect 
your perspective regarding the facts, rather than your interpretations of those facts. 
Observations should be based on reality and therefore are usually very difﬁcult to argue