Observations should be based on reality and therefore are usually very difﬁcult to argue 
with. For example, “You arrived home too late” is not an observation because whether 
the person’s arrival is “too” late is open to interpretation. However, the statement “You 
arrived home an hour later than you said you would” is an observation (assuming it’s 
true) and is therefore less likely to lead to a defensive response from the other person.
After describing your observations, the next step is to describe your feelings about 
the situation. Feelings are emotions such as anger, anxiety, worry, and sadness. Feelings 
are not thoughts. For example, the statement “I feel that you should not be late” is not 
really a feeling statement. In contrast, “I feel hurt and worried when you arrive home 
later than you say you will” is a feeling statement. As is the case with communicating 
your observations, it’s difﬁcult to argue with a feeling statement. Only you know how 
you really feel.
Finally, it is important to communicate the ways in which you would like things to 
change. To follow the earlier example through, you might say, “I would like you to phone 
me if you are going to be more than thirty minutes late.”