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From DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets, Second Edition  by Marsha M. Linehan. Copyright 2015 by Marsha M. Linehan. Permission 
to photocopy this handout is granted to purchasers of this book for personal use only (see copyright page for details).Interpersonal effect Iv eness Handout 5   (I. E. Worksheets 4, 5) (p. 1 of 2)
Guidelines for Objectives Effectiveness:  
Getting
 
What You Want (DEAR MAN)
A way to remember these skills is to remember the term DEAR MAN:
Describe
Express
Assert
Reinforce
(Stay) Mindful
Appear Confident
NegotiateDescribe Describe the current Si tuAt ion (if necessary). Stick to the facts.  
tel
l the person exactly what you are reacting to.
“You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11.”
Express Express your f E E ling S an d opinion S ab out the situation.  
Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.
“When you come home so late, 
i
 start worrying about you.”
us
e phrases such as “I want”  instead of “You should,” “I don’t want”  
instead of “You shouldn’t.”
Assert Assert yourself by ASki ng for what you want or SAYi ng no  clearly.  
Do not assume that others will figure out what you want.  
Remember that others cannot read your mind.“
i
 would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”
Reinforce Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak)  
by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need.  
if ne