Mean attitudes can appear when people are tired or already frustrated, so avoid discussing issues when either person is rushed or upset. Instead, ask if you can come back to the conversation when tempers have cooled and when you both have the calm inner resources to deal with the issue without being mean. This tactic may not always work because it is sometimes difficult to think level-headedly when angry. If it does not work, there are other ways to make sure tempers don’t escalate. Active listening or reflective listening is a key component to effective communication. Acknowledging his anger is like pouring cold water on a fire. His anger may subside because he may feel more connected to you if you understand where he’s coming from. Demonstrate your understanding and repeat back what you’re hearing to calm your angry mate.  Be as specific as possible and avoid using trite phrases like “I understand”. This doesn’t demonstrate true understanding and can come off as unthoughtful. Instead, try saying something like, “I understand that you’re upset that I didn’t call you back”. Keep the focus on your boyfriend’s anger. Don’t turn the conversation to you by saying, “I understand because I’ve felt that way too”. Mean words and actions typically stem from a sense of being wronged or treated unfairly. By asking your boyfriend what he wants from you (in a nice way of course), you move the conversation from a shouting session to the proactive realm.  Try phrasing your response as, “What is it you need from me right now,” or “How do you see the outcome of this in terms of what I should do”. If your boyfriend clearly states what he wants from you, determine whether it is something you can actually do, or something that you are willing to do. By offering help, you can reduce the anger, stop the mean behaviors, and move the situation forward in a productive manner.  The help requested may vary vastly. For example, all that may be requested of you may be an apology which is often helpful because it signifies that you accept some fault for the altercation. Sometimes it is not in your power to offer help. For example, if your boyfriend is angry about being fired from his job and is taking it out on you simply state, “I understand that you’re angry about being fired from your job, and I really wish I could help you but it’s not within my power to do so”. Sometimes it may be in your power to offer assistance but you choose not to. That is perfectly acceptable. For example, if your boyfriend wants you to skip work or school to spend time with him you can say, “I’m sorry. I wish I could spend time with you today but I can’t afford to skip out on my responsibilities.” Avoid saying “I don’t want to”. Humor can help to ease tense situations by shifting the moment just long enough for tempers to cool. Make sure you’re not making fun of your boyfriend as that will just make him angrier. Instead, aim your humor at yourself or the situation. This is more helpful in relationships that are already very playful.  Each person’s sense of humor is different but try saying something playful such as, “This is beyond my capabilities—let me consult one of my other personalities,” or “I’m sorry I forgot to call you. You caught me playing with one of my mental blocks”. Avoid using this tactic if your boyfriend makes fun of you in a mean or hurtful way. This will have the opposite effect and may open the door for more insults.
احرصي على اختيار التوقيت الصحيح. اخبريه أنكِ متفهمة لغضبه. اسألي حبيبك عن رغباته. اعرضي المساعدة إذا كان بمقدورك. حاولي استخدام المزاح.