Our appearances can be the source of a lot of shame and emotional pain. Sometimes, this shame can keep you from seeing your true beauty because you are stuck in a cycle of feeling unworthy, unlovable, undeserving, or inadequate. If others have judged you according to society’s artificial standards, you may also feel humiliated or embarrassed. Showing yourself compassion is the antidote to the shame that comes from being judged by others (or judging yourself). Here are some exercises you can do to begin building your self-compassion:  Think of a shameful experience or old wound from your past. Imagine what you wish someone would have said to you in that moment. What words do you wish you had heard? Write down those words. Next, imagine that the words on the paper are being spoken to you by someone you love, admire, or cherish. This could be a dear friend, or even a spiritual figure. Hear this person saying the words, and allow them to sink in. Notice the emotions you experience when hearing these words. What do you feel? Practice saying these words or phrases out loud to yourself. Focus on your breathing and let the words sink in as you breathe deeply. Notice your emotions as you hear yourself say these words. Sometimes, we are much harsher on ourselves than we would ever be to anyone else. Think about how you would speak with a friend who was struggling to feel beautiful. What would you say to him or her? Try extending this same kindness to yourself.  Imagine that your friend came to you and expressed that s/he was feeling bad about his or her looks. What would you say? How would you respond? Write these down. Think about the criticisms or feelings you have about your own beauty. How do you respond to yourself in these situations? Write these down. Compare the two. Is there a difference? If yes, why do you think that is? What motivates your responses to others? What motivates your responses to yourself? Write down a few ways that you can change your responses to your own struggles to be more kind and understanding. Research suggests that people tend to chose friends that we see as attractive in some way. Think about what you find beautiful in the people you love. You may find that your standard of beauty for your friends is far more inclusive than the standard you hold yourself to. Research has shown that self-criticism can cause anxiety and depression. You may feel unhappy with yourself because you compare yourself to society’s artificial standards, or because you have been judged by others and feel ashamed. The more you practice on challenging unhelpful or self-critical thoughts, the more you will feel comfortable accepting yourself just as you are.  The human brain has a bad tendency to focus on negative experiences and information, allowing the positive things to slip by us. The next time your inner critic tells you that you aren’t “______ enough,” remember that your brain doesn’t always tell the truth. It has probably overlooked many positive things about you to latch onto something negative, which may not even be true.  For example, you might experience a critical thought such as “I give up. I will never be any thinner than I am. It’s useless to even try.” There are several ways to handle this type of thought. For example, you could examine why you feel the need to become thinner. Is it for health reasons that you and your doctor have agreed on? Or because you are comparing yourself to someone else’s standard of beauty? Remember that no one else can tell you how you “ought” to look. You could also look for positives about yourself to challenge these negative thoughts. For example: “I will never give up on myself. I may not get any thinner, but I will work out so that I can stay strong and play the sports I enjoy.” You can also set new goals for yourself that show yourself kindness and acceptance. For example: “I don’t like going to the gym, but I do enjoy going for walks in my neighborhood. I don’t need to work out the way society says I should. I will do what makes me happy.” A helpful way to deal with self-judging thoughts is to remember that they are just thoughts. They are not necessarily “true.” Trying to fight negative thoughts doesn’t always work. In fact, you may find yourself obsessing over the negative thought in trying to “get rid of it.” You may even find yourself judging yourself for not being able to stop thinking these thoughts. Instead, try acknowledging that these thoughts have occurred, and then acknowledge that these thoughts are not facts.  For example: “I am experiencing the thought now that I am not beautiful. This is just a thought. It is not a fact. I cannot control these thoughts, but I do not have to believe them.” Practicing meditation can also help you become more mindful of your thoughts. You can learn to accept them in the moment without judgement. Mindfulness meditation and loving-kindness meditation are good types to get you started. Studies have shown that meditation can actually rewire how your brain responds to stressors. Being surrounded by stereotypes of beauty can leave you vulnerable to the cognitive distortion of “filtering,” where you end up focusing only on the things you don’t like about yourself. Challenge this distortion in your thinking by making a game of it: every time you think of something negative about yourself, immediately find something positive to counter it. It can be helpful to say these positive things into a mirror, which can help you accept what you’re saying as true.  For example, if you experience the thought, “Ugh, my teeth are so crooked,” stop and find something positive: “I have a beautiful smile that can show when I’m happy and encourage others.” Sometimes, the guilt and judgment we face from the world can make it hard for us to find anything beautiful about ourselves. If this is the case for you, try starting by focusing on the incredible things your body can do. Do you play sports, lift weights, dance, run, laugh, breathe? Can you hug someone, sing a song, cook a meal? Appreciating your body for what it can do for you can help make it easier to find things you like about it. Since our brains do such a good job of focusing on the negative, actively counter that tendency by keeping a list of the positive things about yourself. Taking time to acknowledge and record things that you like about yourself will help “store” them in your brain so that you can remember them later. When you are going through a tough patch, take out your self-appreciation list and reflect on the many things that make you your beautiful self. Here are some questions to get you started:  What do you enjoy about yourself and your life? What skills or abilities do you value? What do others compliment you on? What do you love about how you look today? What is one success you had today? What do you find beautiful about today? What is one aspect of yourself that you are proud of? What do you find beautiful about how you impact others? Learning to forgive yourself is critical in helping you heal from past wounds that may be keeping you from seeing your true worth. Maybe you made a mistake in your past that you still judge yourself for. Maybe you feel guilty over an experience your younger self had. Whatever it is, forgiving yourself for the past can help you move forward.  Identify an experience that makes you feel guilty or sad. Address your letter to your younger self about this experience. Use kind, loving words in your letter. Speak to yourself as you would speak to a friend or loved one who is struggling with guilt. Remind your younger self that mistakes are opportunities to learn, not things that forever ruin your life. Make a plan for how you will use this past experience to grow in the future.
أظهر لنفسك الرَّحمة. فكر كيف ستعامل صديقك. تحدي انتقاد النفس. طبّق على أفكارك الوعي الموضوعي. ركز على الإيجابيات. قم بوضع قائمة بالأشياء التي تقدرها في نفسك. اكتب رسالة اعتذار لنفسك.