Chances are, if you’re in a relationship, you will experience mismatched needs at some point. Few people have sexual desires or needs that exactly aligned, which means you and your partner(s) need to have open, honest conversations about each person’s needs.  Discussing your needs can seem awkward at first, but it can actually be a good way to bond with your partner.  Find a time to talk when you’re not likely to be distracted or interrupted. Both of you should feel like you’re focused on what your relationship needs, and that’s not likely to happen if your favorite TV program is on or you’re exhausted from work.  Use honest, clear terms. Euphemisms are often a sign that you’re uncomfortable talking about your body and your needs. Unfortunately, euphemisms can also muddle your meaning, so that your partner doesn’t understand what you’re asking for. Don’t feel embarrassed to use appropriate terms when talking about your body and your desires. “Vagina,” “penis,” or “oral sex” aren’t dirty words.  Discussing your needs isn’t just for people in long-term relationships. Singles and people in casual sexual relationships can also benefit from open, honest discussions of needs and desires.  Give feedback during your sexual activities. Don’t judge or pressure your partner. Instead, say things like “I like that” or “That feels good there.” Avoid using words like “don’t;” instead, say things like “It feels better when you do this” or “I prefer it when you do this.” This communication can help your partner understand and meet your needs. When your relationship has sexual issues, it can be easy to feel as though it’s all your partner’s fault. However, blaming or judging language -- such as “You aren’t giving me what I need” -- puts your partner on the defensive and shuts down productive communication. Instead, try the following techniques to have a healthy, productive discussion:  Use “I”-statements. These help communicate that you’re talking about your own needs, not trying to shame or blame your partner. For example, “Lately I’ve been feeling like when we have sex it’s really predictable and disconnected. I’m not feeling as connected to you as I’d like.”  Invite your partner to share his/her feelings. Make sure that your discussion doesn’t become one-sided. Sex with a partner is a mutual experience, so ask open questions about what your partner likes, desires, and experiences. For example: “What do you feel makes our sex life meaningful to you?” or "What ways do I touch you that you enjoy?" Helpful questions don’t assign blame or close off avenues for exploration.   Never try to manipulate or guilt your partner into sex. You may feel as though your sexual frustration is a sign your partner doesn’t care about your needs, but the reality is probably not that simple. Using guilting language, such as “If you really loved me you would do ____” does harm to your relationship. Avoid it. Instead, use those “I”-statements and keep the focus on how you feel: “When ____ doesn’t happen, I don’t feel as attractive or desirable.” Sex in the movies looks so glamorous. Two sets of eyes meet and within seconds clothes are being ripped off and thrown on the floor. In real life, that's not how it works. Preparation has to be made, even for those who are just dating. Each party arranges a time, phone calls are exchanged, showers are had, skin is prepped, and then the fun happens. Why should it be any different in a relationship? It can be easy to allow sex to slide to the back burner, where it simmers until it explodes in anger or frustration. Being intentional about making time for sex and romance can help relieve that tension and make sure both of you get what you need.  Change up your routine. If you usually wait until the end of the day to initiate sex with your partner, try switching it up one day and having sex in the morning or even on your lunch hour. This can be particularly helpful if you get tired in the evenings. Remember: there’s no right or wrong time for you and your partner to enjoy each other. Whatever works for you is what you should do.  Schedule sex. It may seem like scheduling sex kills the romance, but in fact 80% of married couples schedule time for sexual interactions. Scheduling can not only ensure that you remember to take time for each other, it can give you something to look forward to. If you’ve been in a relationship with one partner for a while, it’s completely natural that your sex life may have become less intense or exciting than it was when you first met. Comfort and familiarity are the building blocks of intimacy and commitment, but they can also leave sexual interactions feeling predictable or even mechanical, and this can cause a lot of frustration. Talk with your partner about ways to bring eroticism back into your relationship. And remember: there is so much more to sex than just intercourse. Be creative and collaborate to find things that excite and fulfill you.  Doing other types of sexual activity together that you don’t commonly do, such as mutual masturbation, can help reinvigorate your sex life. You may also wish to incorporate sex toys or implements. These can be particularly helpful if one partner has difficulty achieving orgasm. Things like erotic stories and images can be exciting for couples if both partners enjoy them. It can help you discover each other's fantasies and build a sense of shared experience.However, if one of you feels uncomfortable with these things or doesn't enjoy them, don't coerce your partner into doing them. Think about activities you can do together that are erotic but don’t involve intercourse. This can help break you out of a “rut” and expand your “toolbox” of enjoyable experiences. For example, you could incorporate “sensate focus” into your love life. This is a counseling technique in which you focus exclusively on giving and receiving erotic touch without the goal of achieving orgasm. It’s all about the journey, not the destination.  Women often express feeling satisfied with sex even when it does not result in orgasm, and they may experience pleasure from sex as a way to express their emotional connection to a partner. Don’t allow a focus on orgasm to keep you from fully participating and enjoying whatever activities you decide to do. Many people, especially women, may need to become physically aroused before they’re interested in having sex. If you wait to have sex until you experience sexual desire, you could be waiting awhile, and this could cause sexual frustration. Being intentional about becoming aroused and getting ready for sex can help ease this frustration.   Scheduling sexual encounters, as mentioned earlier, can help you with this step. If you know Friday night is your “date night,” you’ll probably find it easier to get “in the mood” and make a conscious decision to get aroused.  The female sexual response cycle is more complicated (in general) than the male. While for many men sexual activity is fairly linear (desire, arousal, orgasm), women may experience sexual response in a more cyclical fashion. They may experience these phases in a different order, or they may not experience one or more of these phases at all. Thus, it can be especially important for women to become physically aroused before their desire kicks in.  This difference in the sexual response cycle is not a justification for attempting to get a woman to have sex when she doesn’t want it. If someone says “no” to sex, s/he means no. Don’t press. Sometimes, you and your partner will have divergent desires or needs. Perhaps one of you has a fantasy or kink that the other isn’t interested in. Perhaps one of you needs more sexual interactions than the other. Part of having a healthy, happy sexual relationship is learning to compromise so that everyone’s needs are met and everyone feels comfortable and respected.  For example, if your partner has an erotic fantasy that you don’t share, you could offer to hold him or her while s/he masturbates, use phrases in the bedroom that may be reminiscent of that fantasy, or read an erotic story about that fantasy to your partner. Don't do anything that makes either of you uncomfortable, though. It’s a common myth that women don’t want sex as much as men do, but this isn’t true. In fact, many women want more sex than their male partners do. Most studies show that adult men and women think about sex about the same amount. Don’t assume that you know what your partner wants or needs: ask. Sex can be a primary way for partners to express their love for each other and build intimacy. If one of you feels like you’re not getting that intimacy you crave through enough sex, the relationship may suffer. Look for other ways besides sex to build intimacy together. This can help take the pressure off sex to be your only bonding time.  For example, consider pursuing a hobby or recreation together. Working together to achieve a goal, even if it’s just learning to cook a new meal together, can foster a sense of intimacy and shared purpose. Focus on taking time to express your appreciation and love for your partner each day. Be as specific as possible so that your words convey that you’re really focusing on something you love about your partner. For example, “That blue sweater of yours is one of my favorites because it brings out your beautiful blue eyes” or “I really appreciated your making dinner for the kids tonight so I could go to my book club. I love that you understand and work to meet my needs.” Therapy can be helpful for you as an individual, but it’s also often very helpful for couples. A licensed marriage and family therapist or a sex therapist can help you learn to communicate better with your partner and teach you ways to address your frustrations in a healthy, helpful way.
ناقِش احتياجاتك. تَجنَّب اللوم وتوجيه الاتّهام. اوهب وقتًا من أجل الرومانسية. جرِّب أشياءً جديدة. قرّر أن تكون مُثارًا. توافَقا فيما بينكما. اعمل على تحقيق الحميمية بطرق أخرى. فكِّر في رؤية مُختَص.