text: I love you fi sabilillah. I cant imagine the rewards Allah has set in place for people who have struggles like you do. Find good friends, study the din and attain firm certainty in the proofs of Islam (study with scholars!) and I hope to see you in Jannah. Never despair. I cant advise you what to do, from what I know brothers and sisters with these feelings deal with them indifferent ways. See how you best are able to handle them.