text: Saturday, February 18, 2006
  
  dimissed
  
  that's howhe makes me feel. or is that how I feel and anything he does will just confirm the feeling? regardless, every moment in this relationship i feel like he could care less whether i am here or not. it's like he's not capable of missing someone. its like he's afraid to be nice to me because i might get the idea that he likes me. we live together forfuck sake! i think it just comes down to he's just not that into me. i will treat it as such. i will do my own things and have my own interests and make my own fun and he can sit here and grow mould all he wants.
  
  i have to go back to what m says. find happiness and fill up my conscousness with it. fill up the black hole and maybe i can learn to love myself one day. maybe if i get there, then there will be some footing for mike to love me on. it must seem futile for him to just love and watch it all just get sucked into the ether all the time. i think that today after the gym i will go to the mall and buy stuff to make a love scrap book. i will cut out pictures that make me feel happy. words photos stories song lyrics anything that i can touch on when i feel helpless. someplace where the love wont blow away- where its attached, affixed, something i made. and in the end the love you make is equal to the love you take.
  
  I think i need to start another blog where i just put my happy thoughts and images so that i can access it anytime, anywhere. an online version of my hapy scrapbook. i want to keep this one separate and personal. this isn't for an audience.