text: "He's still with the Press Officer, Sir Humphrey." "Would you like a coffee?" "If the Minister is with the Press Officer, we've probably got time for a six-course lunch." " Morning, Humphrey." " Desmond!" "He's got somebody with him, but he'll only be a moment." " Did you sound him out about?" " Yes, but it doesn't look hopeful." "All my bank wants is to put six little storeys on the new office block." " Read the Financial Times today?" " Never do!" "You're a banker, surely you read the Financial Times?" "Can't understand it." "Full of economic theory." " Why do you buy it?" " It's part of the uniform." "Took me 30 years to understand Keynes' economics." "I'd just cottoned on when everyone got hooked on monetarist ideas, you know, "I Want To Be Free", by Milton Shulman." " Milton Friedman?" " Why are they all called Milton?" "I've only got as faras Milton Keynes." "Maynard Keynes?" "I'm sure there's a Milton Keynes." "Yes, there is, it's..." "Sit down." "You didn't read about the Minister's speech to the Architectural Association last night, attacking skyscraper office blocks?" "Ours isn't a skyscraper." " Howmany storeys?" " 38." "44 with the extra six we're asking for." "He was talking about the maximum tolerable height being eight." "Surely you can talk him out of it?" "Work him upwards?" "8, 12, 18..." "That's yourjob, talking him out of things." "Don't forget, there's a promise to prevent any more high-rise buildings in the environment section of the manifesto." " Does that scupper it?" " Not necessarily." "There's an implicit pact offered to every Minister by his seniorofficials." "If the Minister implements the opposite policy to the one he's pledged to which, once in office, he will see is incorrect, we'll help him to pretend he's following his manifesto." " That's a very reasonable offer." " It sounds reasonable." "Unfortunately, among the many extraordinary qualities politicians possess, reasonableness isn't the first that springs to mind." "Not when one contemplates the average Minister." "And our Minister is very average." "Butwe need those extra floors." "And if you're joining the board when you retire, it'll be tricky if there's no office to put you in." "Entertaining yourvisitors in a Portakabin in the carpark?" "I'm not saying you won't get permission, just not today." "Be patient." "Surely if a Minister's made a decision, that's it?" " What gave you that idea?" " Surely a decision's a decision?" "Only if it's the decision you want." "If not, it's just a temporary setback." "Ministers are like small children:" "They want something desperately and next day forget they asked for it." " He is a Ministerof the Crown." " You knowwhy he's called that?" "He's always talking off the top ofhis head... orthrough the back of it!" " You won't accept his decision?" " No, no, no." "I start by accepting it and supporting it enthusiastically, then I tell him to leave it to me." "Humphrey, the architect fellow." "Morning, Crawford." "The Ministerwon't keep a moment." "So, what's going to happen?" "I'll have a minute with him first, but don't expect too much this morning." "Think of it as a child's tantrum overa rice pudding." "Won't touch it today and yet wants two helpings tomorrow." "Ah, rice pudding... good." "I always liked rice pudding." "Minister, it's really excellent." ""Hackerspeaks out against towerblocks"." ""Minister's courageous stand on high buildings"." "I sound like a steeplejack." "What about the popularpress?" "How do I get into the mass circulation dailies?" " What about a photograph?" " The papers like a photo of a pretty girl." "I don't quite qualify on that score." "Judge a beauty contest, a photo of you kissing the winner." "If my picture's in the papers, people should look at me, not some pretty girl." "Otherwise, something with cuddly animals orsmall children, like this afternoon's visit to the city farm." "Is everything laid on, Mail, Mirror, Express?" " And the Sun, Today and Nationwide." " Nationwide?" " Will I be on telly?" " With any luck." " Well done!" " You are a Ministerof the Crown, sir." "There's some baby donkeys laid on to be photographed with." " Donkeys?" " Yes, sir." "The Sun specifically asked if you could be photographed amongst the donkeys." "What do you think, Bernard?" "Even if the Sun has no ulteriormotive, it'll be a gift for Private Eye." "You with a crowd of otherdonkeys." "That's what they would say." "Ora meeting of the InnerCabinet." "What are you here for, Bernard?" " Sir Humphrey's here." " Very well." "There's also some little pigs." "I don't think that's a great improvement." "Snouts in the trough jokes, pull yourself together!" "I will consent to be photographed with a lamb, that's all." " Ah, Humphrey." " Good morning." "Sir Desmond Glazebrook is outside." "Glazebrook?" "That old fool who makes anti-Government speeches?" "Yes, and you appointed him chairman of the co-partnership commission." "What's he want?" "He wants to talk about his forthcoming application to put more storeys on his bank's office block." "That's just the thing we must stop, Humphrey." "Somebody has to speak out about the environment, take a stand on high buildings." "Thatwould make a good press photograph." "Thank you, Bernard." "It's up to you, but he does have a good case." "Have you read the background papers?" "Yes, of course." "Remind me." "The bank points out that there are already several towerblocks nearby, and it is the international division of the bank, expanding rapidly." "It needs a central location." "Itwould bring in revenue forthe city." "Typical!" "Money, money, money." "What about beauty, Humphrey?" "Indeed, Minister, beauty." "Make a note of that, Bernard." "What about ourchildren?" "And theirchildren?" "Exactly, Minister, "Children's children", Bernard." "Who are you serving?" "God or Mammon?" "I'm serving you, Minister." "In that case, Humphrey, show Sir Desmond in." "Glazebrook!" "I'll give him high-rise buildings..." "Sir Desmond, hownice to see you!" "What can I do foryou?" "It's these extra storeys, six of them." "We'll make a formal application later, but any guidance you can give us?" "I warn you that I have misgivings about towerblocks." "This is howwe make profits." "Six extra storeys and we clean up." "Without them, we'll only make a measly 28 % on the project." " It's just profits, is it?" " Not "Just profits", it's profits!" " You think of anything else?" " No, why?" " What about beauty?" " It's a building, not an oil painting." "And the environment?" "We'll make sure it's part of the environment." "It's bound to be, once it's there." " I'm sorry, Sir Desmond..." " There's one thing, Minister." "As you know, similarpermission was given to Chartered of New York, so to refuse a British bank..." "Exactly!" "So it's all right?" "Er... well... no." "No, it isn't." " Why not, damn it?" " It-it-it's not necessarily..." "The Minister is concerned that another tall building will clutterthe skyline." "That's right, itwould clutterthe skyline." "He's also worried that more workers in the area would strain the transport system." "I'm worried about public transport." "Furthermore, he points out that itwill overshadow the playground of the St James Primary School." "Itwould overlook private gardens, which would be an intrusion of privacy." "Privacy!" "Pollution!" "Furthermore, the Ministerpoints out, most astutely, if I may say, that the bank owns a vacant site close by which would accommodate yourexpansion needs." " Where?" " There." "That's the river, isn't it?" "The Ministerwas referring to this site." " Is that ours?" " It is, Sir Desmond." " What's it for?" " It's scheduled forphase three." "That's scheduled forphase three." "Anyway, it's 400 yards away." "Difficult forthe board to walk 400 yards to lunch... and impossible to walk back afterwards." "Put in yourformal application by all means, but thatwill be my decision." "Minister, suppose we designed a different rice pudding?" " What?" " What?" "Rice pudding?" "Bankers' jargon forhigh-rise buildings." "Is it?" "Bernard, show Sir Desmond out." "Bye, Sir Desmond." "Oh, yes." "Right." "Thank you, yourreminders were very helpful." " A pleasure." " Real teamwork, what?" " Especially as Glazebrook is yourchum." " We're very old friends." "But it is as naught compared to a civil servant's duty to his Minister." " Humphrey, do you mean that?" " Of course, Minister!" " How very nice." " Thank you." " It's afterhalf past." " I've got to dash." " Urgent appointment?" " Very urgent." " Cabinet committee?" " That sort of thing." "Could you sign this?" "It's extremely urgent." "Do I have to?" "I'm late already." "It's an administrative order to formalise Government powers forthe utilisation of unused local authority land until development commences, then it reverts to the authority." "Do I have to sign now?" "Why hasn't it been before the House?" "If itwere a statutory instrument, itwould have to go before the House, but it's an administrative order, undersection seven of the Environment Act, which is an enabling section, empowering the Minister to make regulations regarding unused local authority land as necessary from time to time" "within the framework of the Act, as I'm sure you recollect." "Why doesn't it go before the House?" "If itwere a statutory instrument, itwould have to go before the House, but because it is an administrative order undersection seven of the..." "All right, Humphrey, I have signed it!" "Why was that so urgent?" " Itwasn't." " But you said itwas." "Itwasn't urgent, but itwas important." "Any document transferring decision-making powerto us is important." " Why?" " Oh, Bernard!" "Don't be obtuse, please." "It helps take Government out of politics." "It's Britain's only chance of survival." "Couldn't it have waited until he wasn't in a hurry?" "When we want Ministers to sign something without asking questions, we wait until they're in a hurry and theirconcentration is weakest." "That's why we keep them on the go." "Bernard, where was the Minister rushing off to so secretively?" "A school children's city farm in Tower Hamlets." "My God!" "The things that man will do forpublicity." "Is he going as a visitor oras an exhibit?" " Very droll, Sir Humphrey." " What?" "Mrs Philips?" "I'm Bill Pritchard, the Minister's Press Officer." "This is Mrs Philips, the warden of the park." "How do you do?" "BBC TV." "We didn't get yourarrival, could we have it again?" " Sorry?" " Could you arrive again?" "How can he arrive again?" "He's already here." " Forthe cameras." " Do you mind?" "Mind what?" "Let's see you arriving." "Does this often happen?" "But I don't understand..." "Turn over..." "Action!" "Wave, everybody!" " Welcome, Minister." " It's a great pleasure." "I'm glad you've come." "We tried othercelebrities but nobody could come." " Cut." " What?" " Cut, cut, cut!" " Cut." " We'll cut that out, right?" " Yes, but..." "Not but, cut!" "May I introduce you to His Worship, the Mayor?" "Licence fees are coming up again." "Now, tell me all about this." "This is a piglet." "No, tell me about this city farm." "There are over50 city farms built in urban wasteland to give children who seldom see the countryside a chance to understand livestock and food production." "What a wonderful idea!" "And this is yourfirst anniversary?" " Yes." " Congratulations." "Could we have a shot congratulating Mrs Philips forthe television?" "Certainly, by all means." "Everyone's a ham!" "Sorry." "So this is yourfirst anniversary here?" "Good." "Congratulations." "Well done." "Jolly good show." "Very good." "Got enough now?" "If we may hurry you, make yourspeech first, and then meet the staff." "I'd like to do the interview with some of those." " Staff?" " No, the children and animals." "Is this working?" " Got my speech?" " I gave it to you." " No, you've got it." " Have I?" "It gives me pleasure to welcome MrJames Hacker, the Minister forAdministrative Affairs, who has found time in his busy schedule to be with us today to celebrate ourfirst anniversary." "Thank you." "Thank you." "It's a great pleasure to be here with you all today." "You know, things are changing fast." "We live in a world of change." "The silicon chip is changing our lives." "Quality of life is becoming more and more important." "Environment, conservation, problems of pollution, the future of ourchildren, and ourchildren's children." "These are today's issues." "There is, quite rightly, increasing concern about high-rise buildings." "I'm happy to reassure you, members of the Architectural Association..." "I'm so sorry." "It's yesterday's speech." "It's the one I have, look in yourpocket." "So sorry!" "I made a speech yesterday and..." "It's a great pleasure to be here at the city farm today." "You know, things are changing fast." "We live in a world of change." "The silicon chip..." "is changing our lives." "Quality of life is more important..." "Pollution..." "future of ourchildren's children..." "These are the issues..." "The city farm movement is a welcome and important addition to the way of life forchildren in cities." "We feel they play a vital part in children's educational and social life." "We shall do all we can to help this movement flourish." "Happy birthday." "Sue Lawley's arrived, can we do the interviewnow?" "Yes, set it up with the most attractive children and animals." "Thank you forsaying that, Minister." "Can we really rely on yoursupport?" "Of course you can." "Our lease is running out and we have to get it extended." "I can't really influence it, but I'll try to help this movement to flourish." "Would you do the interviewnow?" "This is Sue Lawley of Nationwide." "Sue Lawley, what a great pleasure." "I do believe I'm probably yourgreatest fan!" "Sorry to butt in, but could the children and staff get autographs?" "Autographs?" "Certainly." "Come on, that's enough." "What did you want to say?" "I'll ask some questions of the warden and then come to you forcomments." " Where would you like us to be?" " Here." " Perhaps with animals and children?" " Yes, splendid!" "Put this sweet little girl on yourknee, Mr Hacker." "All right, let's get on with it." "Turn over!" "We're running, Sue." "Warden, I understand the lease of this wonderful city farm will run out." "Yes, we've been worried about this." "But I've just had a word with Mr Hacker, and he has indicated that he will ensure that this farm can carry on." "Minister, howwill you ensure this farm keeps running?" "Er... well... you see..." "Sue..." "The fact is, and let me make this clear..." "Quality of life is becoming more important, the environment, conservation, problems of pollution..." "The future of ourchildren... and ourchildren's children." "These are today's issues." "Minister, thank you." "I saw yourchap on the television last night cuddling a rabbit." "St Francis ofTower Hamlets." "Whatwas it in aid of?" "Afterthe rodent vote, I imagine." "Quite a good idea, those city farms." "Are you still worried about parking at Tower House?" "Desperately!" "It's the majorblockage to recruiting Inland Revenue inspectors." "There's a 1 ½½½ acre local authority site nearby with the lease running out." " Butwe haven't the authority." " You have now." " You mean an orderunderSection 7?" " Signed yesterday." "Humphrey!" "How did you manage it?" " What's the site used fornow?" " Nothing of any significance." "A city farm forschool children." "Like the one St Francis was visiting?" "Not the one?" "I've always said those things are a bad idea." "Unhygienic and a danger to public health." "It might be good to move quickly, before the lease were renewed." "Surely." "Won't it put your Minister in a spot?" " I'm sure I'll find him a way out." " I'm sure you will." "Coffee?" "No, thanks, I must be getting back to Assisi." " Thank you for lunch." " Not at all." " Enjoy yourtrip." " Bless you." "Desmond?" "It's you, Humphrey." "I think I knowhow to get the Ministerto eat his rice pudding." "Evening paper, Minister." " Centre page." " I say!" "Double-page spread, what about that!" ""The St Francis ofTower Hamlets"." "There's a picture of me with ducks." "Anotherwith a small girl." "A black... ethnic... multi..." "you know, one of..." "What good publicity!" "Are there any more city farms to visit?" "Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow." "The marginal, I mean, the special development areas." "Bernard, how about this double-page spread?" "Top of the Mirror, Nationwide last night." "You're very quiet, what's the matter?" "Mrs Philips, Minister, the warden of the city farm you visited yesterday." "Is she pleased with the publicity?" " She doesn't seem pleased." " Why not?" " The farm's being closed." " Closed?" "It's being turned into a carpark forlnland Revenue inspectors." "My God, whatwill they say about this?" ""Children and animals evicted by taxman"." ""Ministergoes back on TV pledge"." "Heavens!" "This must be stopped." "Do something!" " What idiot authorised that?" " You did." " What?" " The orderyou signed yesterday giving Government power over local authority land." " Section 7, subsection 3." " Get Humphrey." "He's on his way and Mrs Philips is in the private office." "This is the greatest disaster this century." "There were two world wars." "Fighting on the beaches is one thing, evicting animals and children fortax inspectors' cars is another." "Ah, Humphrey!" "Minister, I saw you on television last night." "What a treat!" "Nevermind that, what about the city farm being closed?" " The Treasury..." " It's got to be stopped!" "Unfortunately, it's a Treasury decision and beyond ourjurisdiction." " I shall revoke the order." " That is impossible." "Ordifficult." "Or inadvisable." "Orrequires legislation." "One of those." "It could not invalidate an action taken while the orderwas in force." "I don't care if it's the Queen and the Pope..." " Judas!" " I say, look here." " You promised to support us!" " I'm sorry..." "You must see that our lease is renewed." "My dear lady, it's not in the Minister's p..." "Mr Hacker, you have given yourword." "Are you going to keep it?" "I shall leave no stone..." "every avenue... everything that is humanly possible..." " You mean, no." " No." "Yes, I mean no." "I mean yes." "Definitely not." "No." "Yes, I mean, no." "Very well." "Don't say I haven'twarned you." "My husband is Deputy Features Editorof the Express." "Tomorrowmorning yourname will be manure." "You will be roasted alive by the national press." "It falls to fewpeople to be, within the space of 24 hours, both St Francis and St Joan." "Humphrey, something must be done to stop this farm closing." "Otherwise, we shall look a complete..." "Yes?" "Sir Desmond Glazebrook is outside." "What does he want?" " I can't imagine." " Send him in!" "It's Open Day at the Department!" "Minister, I was passing and I've had an idea." "If you gave us permission foran extra nine storeys..." "You asked forsix!" "If you gave us nine extra storeys, we could postpone phase three forseven years, leaving this site vacant." "I was reading this morning in the Financial Times about yourvisit to the city farm, a jolly good wheeze." "Ourphase three site is only 200 yards away, so you could use it to extend the farm, or if they had to move, it's a bit larger." "We thought of calling it" ""The James Hacker Cuddly Animal Sanctuary"." "Well, "Animal Sanctuary", anyway." "Nine storeys isn't very much, is it?" ""James HackerAnimal Sanctuary"." "Government has to be awfully careful about throttling small businesses." "The bank isn't actually a small business." "Itwould be if we throttled it, Bernard." "Afterall, what is anothertowerblock where there are so many?" "Yes, indeed, Minister." "I shall be forced to reconsidermy decision." "We'll give Sir Desmond his six storeys..." "Nine." "Nine storeys." "Let's make a press announcement." "The James Hacker Animal Sanctuary!" "You were worried about London Transport." "They will be glad of the extra fares." "As forthe school..." "They mightwelcome the shade." "In the hotweather, certainly." " And privacy?" " There are two sides to privacy." "People might enjoy looking at what goes on in those offices." "Extraordinary things go on in offices, don't they?" "Yes, Minister."