text: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
  
  Seriously, in the last five weeks this team is scoring almost 50 a game and racking up what seems like a thousand yards a game. JuJu and Adoree’ are some of the most dynamic players in the nations, if not in Trojan history, and we have a phenom at quarterback. Sure he may be gone as soon as he is eligible for the draft, but when has a USC quarterback ran more than 15 yards at a time? And I’m not counting the sprint Matt Leinart makes when he gets a call from his agent.
  
  And yet, it doesn’t seem like anyone is interested. I’ve seen more fans enthused when “Arrogant Nation” was wearing “Bowls are for Salads” shirts while Lane Kiffin called his fifteenth consecutive screen pass against Fresno State.
  
  I get it. Everyone gave up after our 1-3 start. But now we are 5-3. That’s like, four wins better than before. One more win and there’s going to be a number next to our name. And we become bowl eligible. Vegas here we come!
  
  I get it. The people want a flashy coach with experience. Like Mark Richt, Charlie Strong, or Brian Kelly. But it’s time to face facts and accept that we have Helton for the short term. I know it’s is like giving a kid the keys to a Ferrari but he’s only gotten into a couple fender benders when he let his buddy Max take the car for a spin. That 18-Wheeler from Alabama came out of nowhere! And you know he’s starting to get the hang of it. He figured out how to shift gears without stalling and how to fill up the car so it doesn’t run out of gas halfway thru the road trip.
  
  I get it. You have better plans on Saturday. Okay, this part I don’t get. What else can you be doing on Saturday? Seriously, is apple picking a thing on the West Coast? Malibu Wines has to get old after the tenth trip.
  
  The bandwagon is making its last stop this week. You might have to stand up; it’s could get pretty full.
  
  Game Recap
  
  I'm not sure whether Roger Goodell took over the social media policy for the Pac-12 this week but there were a lot fewer highlights from the USC Athletics Twitter account.
  
  It was that or the intern in charge is one of those kids who naively schedule a night class on Thursday. Either way, a lot less highlights to show in this article which is unfortunate because judging by the stadium attendance, no one will ever see them. Speaking of…
  
  If we really want to live up to the U$C moniker, we need to start paying people to take our tickets and fill our stadium.
  
  I touched on this before: There were so many reasons why this wasn't going to be a filled stadium. Middle of the week, traffic, bad matchup, crippling depression and anxiety brought on by the combination of the presidential election, your mundane job, and growing existential crisis that eventually you will die. You know, normal reasons.
  
  Goff on the sidelines for the game. For all we know, this picture could have been taken at any time in the past two months.
  
  USC 7 – Cal 0 Darreus Rogers 3 Yard pass from Sam Darnold
  
  USC 14 – Cal 0 Ronald Jones II 16 Yard pass from Sam Darnold
  
  No more stone hands for Jones this year. While he struggled early, he’s made vast improvements in his catching ability as well as his pass blocking protection. But enough with the boring stuff…
  
  RUN
  
  ROJO
  
  RUN
  
  The Texas Telsa was fully charged and put the pedal to the medal in the first quarter. He was so good I was surprised Tee Martin didn't bench him and alternate between Aca'Cedric Ware and Dom Davis for the next three quarters.
  
  This summer was all about the Women’s Gymnastics team. How about sending our secondary to Tokyo in 2020 with this kind of acrobatic footwork. We already know they’re willing to compete on national television for free.
  
  Hard to believe a Cal quarterback is overrated.
  
  Webb. Goff. Rodgers. All BUMS.
  
  Why do people keep kicking it to Adoree’? Kick it out of bounds, go for it on fourth down, do anything to prevent him from touching the ball. Because if he does, you’re going to end up regretting it.
  
  Really unfortunate this record was broken on a routine kickoff return. Not that anything Adoree' does is routine.
  
  Too bad there isn't a stat for times opposing quarterbacks didn't even think of throwing to Jackson’s side or he'd have broken that record weeks ago.
  
  USC 21 – Cal 0 Deontay Burnett 13 Yard pass from Sam Darnold
  
  Not enough scramble and difficulty for Darnold on this red zone touchdown. Step it up.
  
  While the touchdown was simple Darnold then proceeded to make the game difficult for his team by fumbling the ball on two straight drives. There’s Darnold. And then there’s DARN…old.
  
  USC 21 – Cal 7 Tre Watson 22 Yard pass from Davis Webb
  
  USC 21 – Cal 10 Matt Anderson 27 Yard Field Goal
  
  USC 28 – Cal 10 Darreus Rogers 20 Yard pass from Sam Darnold
  
  Fun fact: Clay Helton had all three timeouts when this drive started. Crazy how effective a two minute drill can be when you can stop the clock.
  
  Have to find a way to relate to your players somehow.
  
  I get the feeling. We all try to upstage our exes and it always ends up failing miserably.
  
  HE DID IT. After 18 games as a Head Coach, Clay finally held onto his timeouts until the end of the half and used them correctly. This is what it must have felt like when Helen Keller learned the word “water”.
  
  Yes, I am equating our Head Coaches’ ability to learn to that of a blind and deaf person.
  
  Halftime
  
  USC 28 – Cal 17 Davis Webb 1 Yard Run
  
  USC 35 – Cal 17 Ronald Jones II 37 Yard Run
  
  I made the change from a common thief…
  
  To up close and personal with Robin Leach
  
  USC 42- Cal 17 Daniel Imatorbhebhe 17 Yard pass from Sam Darnold
  
  Let’s hope this isn’t as seasonal as Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
  
  USC 42 – Cal 24 Melquise Stovall 16 Yard pass from Davis Webb
  
  The first two fumbles weren’t exactly his fault, but this pass was just a bad decision on all fronts. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
  
  The way people drive in Los Angeles, I think it would have been safer to stay in the Stadium. But I understand the mass exodus that a slight drizzle can cause. Everyone needs to be well rested for their Friday of working from home or an office happy hour starting at noon.
  
  Let's give Clay a break here. Let him waste one on something stupid. It's like when you were a kid and your parents let you open one present on Christmas Eve.
  
  USC 45 – Cal 24 Matt Boermeester 32 Yard Field Goal
  
  Good teams win, Great teams cover.
  
  Post Game
  
  Bear Raid? More like *googles "What Rhymes With Bear"* Raid!
  
  Bear Raid? More like Swear Raid! Because their offense FUCKING SUCKED!
  
  Got to get every last drop of this song's popularity before people get sick of it.
  
  The Good
  
  Calling this a balanced offense is like ordering an extra-large pizza and calling it a balanced meal because “tomato sauce counts as a fruit.” Technically you are correct, but that’s not stopping the gluttony from stopping your heart in a couple years.
  
  Is RBU Back? Almost 400 yards of rushing against a Cal's defense that is more vulnerable than Hillary Clinton's lead.
  
  Trojans haven’t seen a running attack like that since Lendale White and REDACTED were playing.
  
  Aca’Cedric + Ronald Jones II = The Texas Two Step!
  
  Two nickels makes a dime.
  
  With all the quarterbacks we have thrust into the starting position, this stat is a little surprising. Thought the total would be way higher.
  
  Ummmm...phrasing?
  
  The Bad
  
  Our offensive coordinators must have short attention spans because they have an inability to find out what’s working and stick with it. Darnold didn’t need to throw a single pass this game, yet in the fourth quarter he’s heaving the ball in the end zone on 1st and 10.
  
  I’ve played video games. I get that it’s boring to run the same play over and over even though it works. But I get bored half way through the second quarter and turn the console off. You’re getting paid millions of dollars to sit through your extremely effective but boring play calling. I am on my couch regretting paying another sixty dollars for a couple new game modes and color rush jersey pack.
  
  As one of the founding members of the “Tight End U” fan club, I support the use of tight ends outside the redzone. If nothing more than to give the announcers a difficult time pronouncing Daniel Imatorbhebhe.
  
  The pass rushing issues from last year might not have been all Justin Wilcox’s fault (they were), but it seems more like a scheme issue than one of personnel. The pass rush is very vanilla and seems to lack any linebacker blitzes. The majority of this game, only three to four linemen rushed. Clancy needs to integrate some creative blitzes and stunts.
  
  “Football For Dummies” translation: We need to rush more men and confuse the offensive linemen to get to the quarterback.
  
  Rutgers most notable game this year was against Michigan where a local Ruth’s Chris steakhouse offered a percentage discount by how many points Michigan will won by.
  
  They lost 78–0 and forced Ruth’s Chris to cap the offer at 50% off or risk going out of business for basically passing out free mediocre steaks.
  
  There is no doubt Jim Harbaugh ran up the score to save some of that nine million he’s making this year. Good God that goblet of whole milk in the picture.
  
  Translation: Our fumble problem is as bad as a well done steak.
  
  Hypothetical season can’t begin until someone puts the time into making a chart. It’s a yearly tradition.
  
  From the looks of it, this looks a lot harder than what needed to happen last year. Mostly because we are relying on a UCLA squad without its nose, and teams run by Rich Rodriguez and Mike Leach. Don’t get me wrong, Washington State has looked great the last couple of years, but I’m a little untrustworthy about a coach who picked his team captain based on his performance on “The Price Is Right”.
  
  A lot of talent at the top. A lot of trash at the bottom. At least the Arizona schools’ talent on the field matches their talent in the classroom.
  
  UCLA: I know you lost your “Rosen One”, but don’t worry, we will keep the Victory Bell safe for another year.
  
  Injuries and Players Notes
  
  Early this week, Aca’Cedric injured his ankle in practice and had to be carted off the field. He’s questionable for the game, and with him and Justin Davis sidelined, the Trojans might be forced to use Dom Davis as the №2 running back ,which probably means Ronald Jones ends up with 50 carries, with Adoree’ and JuJu lining up in the backfield when he needs rest.
  
  Looks like we will have NOwusu this Saturday.
  
  It might have a skeleton crew on defense. Good thing Oregon isn’t known for their high powered offense.
  
  On the bright side, Noah could be back before the Washington game. Good thing because Seattle is known for their rainy weather. Hope that ark is equipped for sailgating.
  
  Glad to see USC do the right thing…eight weeks late. Convenient that the school allows Browne to transfer just as Darnold as established himself has the quarterback for the near future.
  
  Game Preview
  
  Here’s how most Trojan alumni’s homecoming will go:
  
  Thursday: Arrive late to Los Angeles, and Uber straight from LAX to the Bungalow and wait in an hour and a half line.
  
  Friday: One of those planned events at a club you never heard of in West Hollywood. You bought a table and are already immediately regretting the Venmo charge coming on Monday.
  
  Saturday: Party bus to the game. Unless you didn’t get invited, then have fun on the Uber. After that you tailgate until 4:15, show up the game for a quarter and half and head home before going to whatever bar took over the Wilshire for the Saturday spot. Or you skip the game entirely and head to the 9–0 so you yelling over the other thousand alumni all trying to order $12 jack and cokes.
  
  Sunday: Incredibly hungover, you schedule a brunch because in reality you haven’t really had a purposeful sober conversation with any of the friends you came down to see. But it’s NFL Sunday, so you spend that time ordering Mimosas and checking to see how A.J. Green is doing in fantasy. You stumble onto your plane home just as the scaries begin to hit. Have a fun Monday!
  
  Another double digit line. Either this team is for real, or the Pac-12 is god awful this year.
  
  They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.
  
  Despite my hatred for Oregon, I absolutely love Puddles. Best mascot in the game.
  
  You can tell it’s been a while since Helfrich has been to the Coliseum because he’s pumping in fake noise during practice. Unless you have a recording of hundreds of sororities girls complaining about trying to get the right angle and filter on their selfie, this isn’t going to properly prepare you for the game on Saturday.
  
  Helton tried to comment on their defense but they don’t have one.
  
  If you thought it was easy to run on Cal’s defense last Thursday, wait until you see the Trojans run on these fowl birds.
  
  Prediction
  
  With the injuries to our linebacker corps, our defense will struggle against the Oregon offense that has seemed to find its groove in the past couple of weeks. They found their quarterback, and their offensive scheme has always given us fits. Thankfully, this is where Clancy has gained his notoriety as a great defensive coordinator. He is known for stopping the Chip Kelly offense. Nowadays that might not hold much weight because literally anyone could stop the 49ers, but to contain Oregon’s high powered no huddle offense no-matter their record is an accomplishment in itself.
  
  On the offensive side, it looks like we will be without two of our top three running backs. It won’t matter against this abysmal Oregon defense. The Texas Tesla gets great gas mileage. We will be able to move the ball on this team anyway we want. We will score quickly and frequently.
  
  Our only opponent is ourselves. If we are mistakes-free, we can’t lose. That wasn’t a typo: I expect at least one turnover for Darnold. It is the price you pay for a player so talented.
  
  USC 45 Oregon 31