he was still sleeping alone , and though he 'd had sex , instead of wiping the slate clean , it had just made him ache even more . because in her eyes , he could see what she felt . and both with the same prize . all their friends from high school were home for christmas . and i ca n't help thinking that if i ca n't lower my guard for someone as great as her , then i 'm never going to lower it for anyone , am i ? '' 