i do n't know why , but most of my life has felt ... conditional , like my parents and henry and everyone else accepted me because i filled these holes in their lives . i know he wants to run for office . nothing , i lied , trying not to alarm him or me . i remember his eyes being bloodshot from crying for months . i have patients to get back to . '' god made it quite clear where he wanted me . mysteries beyond anything you could imagine . '' 