i walked around the desk , and for the second time that night , i pushed through the double doors . he wanted to open his own flesh and tear the heavy thing out . `` it does , for a woman my age . but , after josh was born , he changed . and somehow overlooked during my search . they were of course their father 's sons . was it as mind-bending for her as it was for him ? `` you 're not supposed to do that . '' 