i needed to find a calm center , my meadow of happiness . his heart stopped , paused , then went on beating . i did n't tell her that i wanted her to be one . he made me think , he made me want to achieve something . he whipped his head sideways to look at her , even while driving . i took a few steps back so he would n't puke on my nice running shoes and crossed my arms over my chest to watch him shift . he laughed at that , ugly and mean . 