`` he is n't dead , '' i whispered as i curled into a ball , arms around my calves , rocking my body back and forth while one of them , i did n't know who , stroked my hair . i cant remember anything , i said , spreading my arms helplessly . the kiss stopped being so easy and light . `` right now , find captain o'hare , tell him to draw back to the base of the hill . '' i can not stand those games , plus i never win them , '' i said . 