try and remind yourself of the things you are looking forward too.
it might help if you looked into counseling options. a counselor could help you work on figuring out ways to cope with these intense thoughts. finding coping skills for when you are feeling this way could end up being beneficial.
it sounds like you are struggling a lot and i want you to know we are here for you and we will do what we can to support you. keep hanging in there and if you need anything feel free to message me.
i just want you to know that people care. for example, even though i don't know you, i 