attention to him, the way a parent would put a small child in time-out. and what i am learning - the hard way, fighting and kicking and screaming - is that i am not in control. that my plans don't really mean all that much. and that, no matter how much i desire something, no matter how much i think i deserve something, no matter how desperately i want things to go according to my plan, it's just not up to me. i'm trying to get okay with that, and to learn to find peace and joy when what i want is control. i think it's possible, to have joy 