she believed it for a long time until maybe 8th grade when someone had finally told her it was a joke and she said shed known all the time , but the truth was she wanted so much to believe it was randys . i 'm struggling to focus , trying to remember that i 'm mad at him , mad about something , but his mouth is right in front of mine and my mind ca n't stop trying to figure out how to shove aside the space between us . it is almost like a sign , that beam of light . 