dean turned his head to look at me , to make sure that i was okay . i pushed the razor blade into my skin harder than i ever had and tore it up my leg . `` you 're not leaving , '' he repeated . the way everyone usually did when a monster story was being passed around . `` the others are fine warriors , or will be with some training , but none is as good as a captain ought to be . '' i saw you pretty clearly in that window . '' 