now i 'm half laughing and half crying . `` i do n't know where to sit , '' i reply . he smiled as he thought of that long-ago day . it was books that kept me from taking my own life after i thought i could never love anyone , never be loved by anyone again . i was the one at a loss , quite completely . instead , i concentrated on the thing that had sent chase into hunting mode in the first place . you may never get to see anything like it again . 