believe me , she thought , gazing straight back at him , willing him to do it . `` i just want you to know that what you are makes up for what you 're not . '' he knew that on some gut level . it hurt me to watch him . `` well , '' i say , almost choking , `` then what on earth was it ? `` are you sure there 's really a path behind the water ? '' she wanted me to choke her , mark her . 