[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's Emily. I'd have died for her. I love her with all my heart. But she's run away. And worse than that. Oh, how I wish God had saved her from this ruin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm Brad Sellers and I got to commend LeBron James because LeBron James gets the memo baby. Yes, he does. We'll talk about it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I guess what Floral was talking about, because...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's a process playing out here and I know that everybody has an opinion. Everybody wants to see things happen today, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I agree with Jason. As long as there seems to be no criminal component here, it puts the league in a box here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, there's some parameters here, right? So I don't think you can level the boom here. Now something may come out later. We don't know. This is how the system is supposed to work, Jay. Right, right. The problem is people want their thing now, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's say, I'll make up a number. There's a four or five game suspension, right? Then you find something egregious really occurred here, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what do you do now? You got to come back at it again or should you just wait it out until you figure out you have a good assessment of the facts. Something could come out three years later. I mean, you can't wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is how the system works. People don't like it, but this is how the system works, right? And at that point, that's when you render your decision. You don't always run the decision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think here. We're not in a position to say right, but I will tell you as a person that's involved in the system. The one thing that's troubling to me. There's a no bill out of Texas. Yeah, two of them two of them. It's a problem. Yeah, right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The problem that you're involved in, I mean, as you're all talking about here, is that you have the, you have the new process piece here, and in people's own desire. Yes. The Browns want this. The league wants that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, they're in the- here. They wanted that in Houston, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the one thing I agree with is this, right? There was a window, I don't know if it's still like this, but there's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In that contract that the Browns gave, right? There's a sum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should be calling Busby, right? Because this is not going anywhere, right? Right. You're just dragging out the inevitable. Yes. And sometimes even when you win, you lose, right? Well, I don't think


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From player to player, these players only come around once every Blue Moon won their prize. They took a chance. They played the long, but I'm not mad they took a chance on the long game. Now, the only problem with the long game is we got the short game. Yeaah, we gotta get through the next year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Leads to a Super Bowl. But here, but here, but now we're bleeding the two worlds together because there's some baggage coming here, right? And now people are now reconciling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The baggage, right? Is this what I want here? This I want it, right? We've been here. I'll tell you, I've been, we've been suffering for a long time. You're suffering. Yeah, I was in Chicago the other day, right? I was in Chicago. My dog going to law school in DePaul, right? I was in Chicago. They're very keenly aware what the Browns have over here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm watching the Selsky's game here, right? They're very keenly aware that the Browns have put something together over here. So that's outside of this geographic region where we are.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, I will tell you though, I would tell you to Jason's point, as long as this continues to go on, it's going to be a distraction. It's going to track from what's going on here, right? Because that's why instead of going into the locker room and talking about the game, we're going to be getting bits and pieces of every little piece and every person is going to get dragged into it. After a while, they're going to get sick of it. Sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, if you don't think the prosecution team in Texas, in Houston, I won't go to suburban Houston, in Houston, then throw everything they had at it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think they were unaware of this? They're probably fully aware of this. I don't know. I don't know. We don't know. And that's what I'm saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The methodical part of the system is that they interview, should have interviewed all the, all the people and then try to figure out who's better. But some may not want to be in. But I will tell you, to this case here, do you know how many people


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, who don't want to get involved and may have a legitimate claim to this anonymous person as you've talked about in the New York Times story could have said, you know, just I don't want to be a part of it, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that that happens. That happens. We don't have the prosecution with very limited ammo here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you talk about consistency. Consistency is a great thing in sports when you have it as teams build through that because you get to know your personnel who you're working with on it. The problem is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Your personnel is mediocre, and you just keep consistency to say, for sake of consistency.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what that's what this could be. So when I look at that, I don't look at it because I've got a consistent coaching staff in here. Do you have the people qualified to get us to where we're trying to go or are they are they just friends of friends because in this business and any sports business usually friends of friends. That's my guy from back in the hour. But the problem is they don't make him the best person for the job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I go back, I go back to this. Thinking he can make throws that he can't. I go back to this. That's bad decision making. Ultimately, ultimately when you talk about somebody being injured, right, there's one person in the food chain that can shut it all down. That's you. Right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He had, the other thing I would say was, we had more weapons than Baker-Beyfield.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is this so important? So let me tell you, so in communities of color,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are existing barriers to having people who have access to the service that are required to make you a whole, whole, whole person.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What LeBron James, I said he, I referred to, he has the memo, he's got the memo, he's got the memo because the memo is this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Older players always wonder that if the younger players understand the mission. Well, it's very apparent now that Lebron James understands the mission. What he is doing is standing in the gap, right? So if you want the kids to thrive,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The kids have to be in a nursing environment at home that their their families have a chance to thrive as well. So the things that that that he's setting up across the street from my promises like it's not ironic that they're in symmetry of one another sure because they're feeding off one another. And so while you're here with the kid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can come over here and get these wraparound services, whether it be job, employment, health care, all the other things that training the things that need to go on in many communities, Akron, Cleveland, people like people who do the things that I do. We're doing that every day because it has to get done because if you do not do it, right, the falls on someone well here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some of, some people of the constituency won't even take part in. So let's say you don't have transportation to go to healthcare. You'll just skip the, skip the appointment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's doing it right in his home where he was sprung from because why he was in the system. He lived it. He knew it. He came up there. And so he said, listen, I'm going to do back for the people because without those folks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good question, but I want to have this irritate you the way, you know, we used to have to go at it, right? You did have to pry you out. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How about how do you feel today? You know, the guys taking?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the first thing I, probably the most expensive thing ever when I got my first check, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. What you, what you got there was really an old school professional athlete. That's the kind of stories I would hear coming up because they weren't making a lot of money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] radar. We're making a lot of money with the stories, right? What they did and how they had to survive and things of this nature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I sat in Chicago the other day watching this game, right? And they were like, oh, Steph Curry. I said, just wait. It'll be interesting if they lose.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about MJ? I got, here, MJ changes number like underwear, so, but, uh, I got, I got Pip, Isaiah Thomas, Clark Kellogg, uh, who else you gonna think of off the rip, real quick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I tell ya, I got one. I'm in the Starsky and Hutch joint.


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[Assistant] I was in this like hardcore band called With Blood back in the day in Canada and like we toured Canada and just the shit and we were supposed to come to the States but then we broke up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't your first rap song on like a Nemesis tape? Didn't you guys do like a little cut or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's fucking- That's what's respectful for him too, cause nobody, like, reaches out to somebody lower than like- Nobody reaches down. Especially in this rap shit, the egos and shit, like, he's a real motherfucker for that. Exactly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I truly fuck with Creed. He walked in on me when I was at his house in Florida by myself in the backyard blasting Creed. Singing at the top of his lungs. It's ironic, but like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it makes us so angry. It's cool, yea, I don't know. It's the humidity. I've seen it coming too, like always, I'm like, just when like Space Girls Purr, back in the day, went on tour, Trash Talk, and I was like, I thought that was so cool. I was like, man, no one was doing that hip hop in hardcore, and it, it's almost this, I find it like, kind of this intertwines at some point. Yea, it's dope as fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I got, like, my jaw broken once. I was like, crowd surfing on a Blink U show and someone's like punched the shit out of me while I was crowd surfing and I guess I like kicked them or some shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just like, I don't know, you can only stay six months a year, Lili, or something, coming from Canada, so I have to like, work it out, and I can't, I can lose my free healthcare if I stay longer than six months.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, that's uh, yeaah, I don't wanna mess anything up with coming out here, cause yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People are jealous as fuck, so fuck all that bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I already do that when I like, I never read the lyrics to a song, I've been like singing it one way my whole life. The lyrics are like, oh bad, I'm still gonna say it the way I was singing it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think like one of our songs, and like, he was just like asking, he's like, what genre is this? He's like, it's not really rap, he couldn't like figure it out, cause he's just like Kendrick Lamar, and like, Absol, and like all that kind of stuff, but he's like, this stuff's like cool, I don't know what to call your kind of music, and I'm like, I don't know what to call it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was more just about the music, people just listen, if you make cool music, who cares what you look like or whatever, where you came from.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just kept watching shit on my own and then one day I just had a bass moment, I was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess that's why so many kids make music now. They feel like they can do it too. They say when they do it, they're not scared anymore. Like I can go buy a mic for a hundred bucks and boom, start making music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is Fanny. She does you credit, Liam.


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[Assistant] I know what I am going to do. Take her to Wharton. Give her a real holiday before she begins her new life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. You know, since I brought you here, you've given me more happiness than I thought I should ever enjoy again.


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[Assistant] Listen, what are you talking about? I don't understand that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want me to let myself be divorced so that you can marry Mandelstoke?


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[Assistant] So that he can support you in what is called, I believe, the style to which you are accustomed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want me to betray my colleagues and my country? Oh. Yes, Alicia, my country. So that you can still have your box at the opera and go to tea with the Duchess of Devonshire. No, Alicia, I will not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He struggled a little bit but, you know, he's a tal hopefully he comes back he able to perform at the l


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, Deshaun hasn't played in a year. So we'll see when he gets back on the field where he's at. But I'll tell you, I like Derek Carr a lot too. I think, you know, that six, seven, eight range is really up for debate. You know, that's kind of a toss up to me. Uh, those guys are very similar players in my book.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] know, compared to the NFC, you know, you go to the NFC, you know, you're talking about, you know, Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady, who's my age. And then, you know, you got Kyler Murray and then, you know, it's kind of a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To who has a better defense, who has a better running game, who has a better offensive line, who has the better weapons on the outside that can make place for them and then staying healthy. You know, that's what it's all going to come down to because all these guys can win football games for you and they're all capable of taking a team to the Super Bowl.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Trevor, you know, co at high school even, I d the guy lost the game, hi only lost a couple while h and then he gets to the with loss after loss afte tell you that takes a tol as a quarterback becaus you feel like it's on you t


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And when you're not winning, especially as the number one overall pick, you feel that pressure from, you know, the media, the fans, you know, even your damn teammates, you know, you feel it from cause they're looking at you like, Hey man, you're the number one pick in the draft. You're supposed to be winning games, but when you don't have that supporting cast, it's tough. And hopefully they can build it around Trevor because he has a talent football player, but right now he's not able to go out and showcase what he's able to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, he makes plays, man, and you know, you can just see, you know, what a special talent he's gonna be. Just, you know, watching, you know, the plays he's able to make with not much talent, not much help around him, just able to create.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, he can say, well, I can take a team to the Super Bowl. So I've proven I am that guy. I am the franchise quarterback that can, that can take a team like Cincinnati to the Super Bowl. So, you know, obviously everyone believes in him. The city believes in him, his teammates and everyone knows he's the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Made it a year ago, but, uh, you know, he, he's, uh, those guys are also talented, man. It's just, it's, uh, you know, it's just a fine line between winning and losing in the NFL. And it just comes down to a player to here and there, and they're all capable of doing it. Just, uh, you know, I think you always feel that pressure as a franchise quarterback to take a team to the super bowl. But, uh, you know, these guys are certainly all capable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's an unbelievable athlete. You just see this guy jumping around like he's, you know, 180 pound, you know, shooting guard in the NBA or something. He's 270 pounds doing this type of stuff. And it's just, it's unbelievable what he's able to do at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at, at


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, you know, I think, you know, just using that guy would be unbelievable. I mean, I don't know if Miles is up for that or if they've even considered it, but you know, certainly it'd be a, he would be an unbelievable weapon out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you know, it's a, it's going to be an interesting year. You know, they've, they've lost a lot of talent over there. Obviously you bring in a Mari Cooper who's, who's an elite football player. Uh, you know, but I think, you know, you got people's Jones back, um, who's a good player, but you know, just, uh, we'll see how he progresses. But I think, you know, one of the keys is going to be a guy like Anthony Schwartz. I mean, I'm looking forward to seeing how he does.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, a lot of pressure on those guys at wide receiver for the Browns, you know, with the talent they've lost, you know, you lose those, uh, great receivers that they had the last couple of years with Jarvis and, you know, Odell's gone obviously, but, um, so, so a lot of pressure for some young guys to step up and be playmakers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, definitely tight end. I think I could catch some passes, but, uh, defensive end, there's no way I'm getting around an offensive tackle. There's, there's no way. Nope.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you know, my main thi I'm not, I don't count cal strict. The only thing I c


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, steaks, I eat a lot of eggs and, um, you know, I eat oats for carbs. I'll eat sweet potatoes. I'll eat brown rice. Um, you know, stuff like that, but you know, every now and then, if I, if I'm out to dinner or whatever, I don't really, I'm not really concerned about, you know, eating, eating bad foods or whatever. I'll eat whatever when I'm out to dinner, but when I'm at home and I'm cooking meals, I stay pretty healthy with it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She got, she got blasted by magic. She could have easily protected herself.


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[Assistant] Through the wrath of Tamlin, she could have just slapped him, but she chose no.


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[Assistant] Let it, let it show, let his hostility show, let his leadership failure show that he is a hibern slave through and through. I don't know man, but it looks like sh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From this last chapter, basically, she's trying to get everyone on her side.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So let's try to figure out what happens in chapter 9.


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[Assistant] The aunt that wasn't done. I knew it. Braced myself for it. She didn't flip back to her temple a few miles away.


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[Assistant] Rather, she remained at the house, seizing her chance to worm her way closer to Tamlin.


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[Assistant] She believes she'd gained a foothold. That her declaration of justice served at the bloody end of the whipping hadn't been anything but a final slap in the face to the guards who watched.


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[Assistant] And when that sentry had sagged back from his bindings, when the others came to gently untie him,


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[Assistant] But I'd remained at the barracks, tending to the groaning sentry, drawing away bloody bowls of water while the healer quietly patched him up.


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[Assistant] Braun and Hart personally escorted me back to the estate hours later. I thanked them each by name. Then apologized that I hadn't been able to prevent it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then they spoke the words I'd been waiting for. They were sorry. They hadn't stopped any of it either. Not just today, but the bruise is now fading at last. The other incidents. If I had asked them, they would have handed me their own knives to slit their throats. The next evening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was hurrying back to my room to change for dinner when Iante made her next move.


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[Assistant] She was to come with us to the wall tomorrow morning. Her. And Tamlyn, too.


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[Assistant] If we were all to be a united front, she declared over dinner, then she wished to see the wall herself. The Highburn Royals didn't care, but Jurian winked at me as if he, too, saw the game in motion. I packed my own bags that night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alice entered right before bed, a third pack in her hands. Since it's a longer trip, I brought you supplies.


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[Assistant] Even with Tamlin joining us, it was too many people for him to winnow us directly. So we'd go, as we'd gone before in segments, a few miles at a time. Alice laid the pack she prepared beside my own.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The pony is ready to take us back to the summer court territory at last. It has been too long since I saw my home, she said, though her eyes shone. I know the feeling was all I said. I wish you well, lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alice said, setting down the brush and beginning to braid back my hair. For the rest of your days, however long they may be, I wish you well. I let her finish the plate, then pivoted on the bench to grip her thin fingers of mine. Don't ever tell Tarkin you knew me well. Her brows rose. There's a blood ruby with my name on it, I clarified.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even her tree bark skin seemed to blanch. She understood it well enough. I was a hunted enemy of the summer corp.


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[Assistant] Only my death would be accepted as payment for my crimes. Alice squeezed my hand. Blood rubies are no. You always have one friend in the summer court. My throat bobbed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you will always have one in mind. I promised her. She knew which court I meant and did not look afraid.


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[Assistant] The sentries did not glance at Tamlin. There's so much to speak to him unless absolutely necessary.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ron, Hart, and three others were to join us.


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[Assistant] They had spotted me checking on their friend before dawn. A courtesy I knew none of the others had extended.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Widowing felt like wading through mud. In fact, my powers had become more of a burden than a help.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had a throbbing headache by noon and spent the last leg of my journey dizzy, disoriented as we winnowed again and again. We arrived and set up camp in near silence. I quietly, shyly asked to share a tent with Yonte instead of Tamlin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Appearing eager to mend the rift the whipping had torn between us.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did it more to spare Lucian from her attention than to keep Tamlin at bay. Dinner was made and eaten. Bedrolls laid out.


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[Assistant] And Tamlin ordered Braun and Hart on the first watch.


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[Assistant] Lying beside Iante without slitting her throat was an exercise in patience and control. But whenever the knife beneath my pillow seemed to whisper her name, I'd remind myself, my friends, the family that was alive healing in the north.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I repeated their names silently over and over into the darkness.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ricent, Moore, Cassie, and Ameren, Azrael, Elaine, Esther.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought of how I'd last seen them. So bloodied and hurting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thought of Cassian's scream as his wings were shredded of Azrael's threat to the king as he advanced on more. Nesta fighting every step toward the cauldron. My goal was bigger than revenge. My purpose greater than personal retribution.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dawn broke, and I found my palm curled around the hilt of my knife anyway.


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[Assistant] I drew it up as I sat up staring down at the sleeping priestess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The smooth column of her neck seemed to glow in the early morning, leaking through the tent flaps. I weighed the knife in my hand. I wasn't sure I'd been a-born with the ability to forgive, not for tears inflicted on those I loved. For myself, I didn't care. Not nearly as much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But there was some fundamental pillar of steel in me that could not bend or break in this.


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[Assistant] Could not stomach the idea of letting these people get away with what they'd done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The teal is limpid as her discarded circlet.


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[Assistant] They went right to the knife in my hand, then to my face.


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[Assistant] You can't be too careful while sharing a camp with enemies, I said. I could have sworn something like fear shone in her eyes. Hi Burn, it's not our enemy, she said a tad breathlessly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From her paleness, as I left the tent, I knew my answering smile had done its job well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Lucian and Tamlin showed the twins where the crack in the wall lay.


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[Assistant] And as they had done with the first two, they spent hours surveying it, the surrounding land. I kept close this time, watching them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My presence now deemed relatively unthreatening, if not a nuisance.


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[Assistant] We played our little power games, established I could buy it if I wished, but we'd tolerate each other.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brandeg murmured to Dagdan, jerking her chin to the invisible divider.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The only markings were the different trees on our side. They were bright, fresh green on spring. On the other, they were dark, broad, curling slightly with heat. The height of summer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First one's better, Dagdan countered. I sat atop a small boulder, peeling an apple with a paring knife. Closer to the western coast too, he added to his twin. This is closer to the continent, to the straight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I slice deep into the flesh of the apple, carving out the hunk of white meat.


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[Assistant] Yes, but we'd have more access to the Highlord's supplies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Said Highlord was currently off with Jurian, hunting for food more filling than the sandwiches we packed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eonte had gone to a nearby spring to pray, and I had no idea whatsoever where Lucian or the sentries were. Good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Easier for me as I shove the apple slice in my mouth and I sit around it. I say go for this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They twisted toward me, Brannag sneering and dagdance brows high. What do you know of any of it? Brannag demanded. I shrugged, cutting another piece of apple. You two talk louder than you realize.


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[Assistant] Shared accusatory glances between them. Proud, arrogant, cruel. I've been taking their measure this fortnight.


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[Assistant] Unless you want to risk the other courts having time to rally and intercepting you, before you can cross to the straight, I'd pick this one. Brannag rolled her eyes. I went on, rambling and bored. But what do I know?


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[Assistant] This is not about armies, so I will trust you to keep that mouth shut till we have a use for you.


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[Assistant] I snorted. You mean to tell me all of this nonsense hasn't been to find a place to break through the wall and use the cauldron to also transport the mass of your armies here?


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[Assistant] She laughed, swinging her dark curtain of hair over her shoulder.


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[Assistant] The cauldron is not for transporting grunt armies.


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[Assistant] It is for remaking worlds. It is for bringing down this hideous wall and reclaiming what we were. I merely crossed my legs.


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[Assistant] Our army is ten times that, girl. Brannox sneered. And twice that number if you count our allies in Valahan, Montessere, and Rask. Two hundred thousand. Mother save us.


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[Assistant] You've certainly been busy all these years. I surveyed them. Utterly nonplussed. Why not strike when Amarantha had the island?


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[Assistant] The king had not yet found the cauldron, despite years of searching. It served his purposes to let her be an experiment for how we might break these people.


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[Assistant] And served as good motivation for our allies on the continent to join us, knowing what could await them.


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[Assistant] I finished off my apple and chucked the core into the woods. They watched it fly like two hounds, tracking a pheasant. So they're all gonna converge here.


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[Assistant] I'm supposed to play hostess to so many soldiers?


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[Assistant] Our own force will take care of Prithian before uniting with the others. Our commanders are preparing for it as we speak.


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[Assistant] You must think you stand a shot at losing if you're bothering to use the cauldron to help you win.


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[Assistant] The cauldron is victory. It will wipe this world clean again. I lifted my brows in irreverent cynicism.


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[Assistant] And you need this exact spot to unleash it? This exact spot.


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[Assistant] Danik, Dagdan said, a hand on the hilt of his sword exists because a person or object of mighty power passed through it.


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[Assistant] Cauldron will study the work they've already done, magnify it, until the wall collapses entirely.


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[Assistant] It is a careful, complex process, and one I doubt your mortal mind grasp.


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[Assistant] Probably. Though this mortal mind did manage to solve Amarantha's riddle. And destroy her. Branagh nearly turned back to the wall.


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[Assistant] Why do you think Highburn let her live for so long in these lands? Better to have someone else do his dirty work.


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[Assistant] Tamlin and Durian were still off hunting, the royals were preoccupied, and I sent the sentries to fetch me more water.


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[Assistant] Blaming that some of my bruises still ached and I wanted to make a poultice for them. They looked positively murderous at that. Not at me, but at who had given me those bruises.


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[Assistant] Who would pick Deontay over them? And Hibern over their honor and people?


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[Assistant] I'd brought three packs, but I'd only need one.


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[Assistant] This one I'd carefully repacked with Alice's new supplies, now tucked beside everything I'd anticipated needing to get clear of them and go.


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[Assistant] The one I brought with me on every trip out to the wall, just in case. And now?


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[Assistant] I had numbers, I had a purpose, I had a specific location, and I had names of foreign territories.


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[Assistant] But more than that, I had a people who had lost their faith in their high priestess. I had sentries who were beginning to rebel against their high lord.


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[Assistant] And as a result of those things, I had Hibern Royals doubting the strength of their allies here. I'd primed this court to fall. Not from outside forces, but its own internal warring.


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[Assistant] And I had to be clear of that before it happened. Before the last silver of my plan fell into place. The party would return without me.


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[Assistant] And to maintain that illusion of strength, Tamlin Iante would lie about it. Where I'd gone.


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[Assistant] And perhaps a day or two after that, one of these sentries would reveal the news. A carefully sprung trap that I'd coiled into his mind like one of my snares.


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[Assistant] I'd fled for my life. After being nearly killed by the hibern prince and princess, I planted images in his head of my brutalized body.


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[Assistant] The markings, consistent with what Dagdan and Brannach had already revealed to be their style. He described them in detail. Described how he helped me get away before it was too late.


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[Assistant] How I ran for my life when Tamlin and Iante refused to intervene to risk their alliance with Hibern. And when the Sentry revealed the truth,


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[Assistant] No longer able to stomach keeping quiet when he saw how my sorry fate was concealed by Tamlin and Ianthe.


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[Assistant] Just as Tamlin had sided with Iante the day he flogged that sentry.


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[Assistant] When he described what Hibern had done to me, their curse breaker, their newly anointed cauldron blessed, before I had fled for my life.


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[Assistant] There would be no further alliance. For there would be no sentry or denizen of this court who would stand with Tamlin or Yontay after this. After me.


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[Assistant] I ducked into my tent to grab my pack, my steps light and swift, listening, barely breathing. I scanned the camp, the woods. A few seconds extra had me snatching Tamlin's bandolier of knives from where he'd left them inside his tent.


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[Assistant] They'd get in the way while using a bow and arrow, he explained that morning.


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[Assistant] Their weight was considerable. As I slung it across my chest, Valyrian fighting knives. Home. I was going home.


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[Assistant] I didn't bother to look back at that camp as I slipped into the northern treeline. If I winnowed without stopping between leaps, I'd be at the foothills in an hour and would vanish through one of the caves not long after that.


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[Assistant] I made it about 100 yards into the cover of the trees before I halted. I heard Lucian first. Back off. A low female laugh.


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[Assistant] Everything in me went still and cold at the sound I'd once heard in Ryson's memory.


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[Assistant] Keep going. They were distracted. Horrible as it was. Keep going, keep going, keep going. I thought you'd seek me out after the right. Yont, they purred.


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[Assistant] They couldn't be more than 30 feet through the trees. Far enough away not to hear my presence if I was quiet enough.


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[Assistant] I was obligated to perform the right, Lucian snapped. That night wasn't the product of desire. Believe me. We had fun, you know, you and I. I'm a mated male now.


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[Assistant] Every second was the ringing of my death knell. I primed everything to fall. I'd long since stopped feeling any sort of guilt or doubt about my plan. Now with Alice now safely away. And yet. And yet.


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[Assistant] You don't act like that way with Fyra. A silk-wrap threat. You're mistaken. Am I? Twigs and leaves crunched as if she was circling him. He put your hands all over her. I had done my job too well.


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[Assistant] Provoked her jealousy too much with every instance I'd found ways to get Lucian to touch me in her presence. In Tamlin's presence. Do not touch me, he growled.


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[Assistant] And then I was moving. I masked the sound of my footfalls, silent as a panther as I stalked the little clearing where they stood. Or Lucian stood.


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[Assistant] Back against a tree, twin bands of blue stone shackled around his wrists. I'd seen them before. Unrise to immobilize his power.


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[Assistant] Stone hewn from Hivern's rotted land, capable of nullifying magic.


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[Assistant] And in this case, holding Lucian against that tree as the aunt they surveyed him like a snake before a meal.


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[Assistant] She slid a hand over the broad pains of his chest, his stomach, and Lucian's eyes shot to me as I stepped between the trees.


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[Assistant] Fear and humiliation, reddening as golden skin. That's enough, I said.


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[Assistant] Yonte whipped her head to me. Her smile was innocent, simpering. But I saw her note the pack. Tamlin's bandolier dismissed them. We were in the middle of a game, weren't we Lucian? He didn't answer. And the sight of those shackles on him. However, she had trapped him. The sight of her hand still on his stomach. We'll return to the camp when we're done. She said, turning to him again.


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[Assistant] Her hand slid lower, not for his own pleasure, but simply to throw it in my face that she could. I struck. Not with my knives or magic, but my mind.


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[Assistant] I ripped down the shield I'd kept up around her to avoid the twins' control, and slammed myself into her consciousness. The mask, over a face of decay.


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[Assistant] That's what it was like to go inside that beautiful head and find such hideous thoughts inside of it. A trail of males she'd used her power on to outright force to bed, convinced of her entitlement to them. I'd pulled back against the tug of those memories, mastering myself. Take your hands off him. She did. Unshackle him. Lucian's skin drained of color as the aunt they obeyed me, her face queerly vacant, client.


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[Assistant] The bluestone shackles thumped to the mossy ground. Bluestone's shirt was askew. The top button on his pants already undone.


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[Assistant] The roaring that filled my mind was so loud that I could barely hear myself as I said, Pick up that rock.


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[Assistant] Lucian remained pressed against that tree, and he watched in silence as the aunt they stooped to pick up a gray rough rock about the size of an apple. Put your right hand to that boulder. She obeyed through a trimmer, though a trimmer went down her spine.


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[Assistant] Her mind thrashed and struggled against me, like a fish snared on a line. I dug my mental talons in deeper and some inner voice of hers began screaming.


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[Assistant] Smash your hand with the rock as hard as you can, until I tell you to stop.


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[Assistant] The hand she put on him, on so many others. Eonte brought the stone up. The first impact was muffled, wet thud. The second was an actual crack.


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[Assistant] The third drew blood, her arm rose and fell, her body shuddering with agony, and I said to her very clearly, you will never touch another person against their will.


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[Assistant] You will not remember what happened here, and you will tell the others that you fell. Her ring finger had shifted in the wrong direction.


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[Assistant] You are allowed to see a healer to set the bones, but not to erase the scarring.


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[Assistant] And every time you look at that hand, you're going to remember that touching people against their will as consequences. If you do it again, everything you are will cease to exist. You will live with that terror every day and never know where it originates. Only the fear of something chasing you, hunting you, waiting for you the instant you let your guard down. Silent tears of pain flowed down her face. You can stop now.


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[Assistant] The bloodied rock tumbled onto the grass. Her hand was little more than cracked bones wrapped in shredded skin. Kneel here until someone finds you.


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[Assistant] Iante fell to her knees, her ruined hand leaking blood onto her pale robes.


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[Assistant] I debated slitting your throat this morning, I told her. I debated it all last night while you slept beside me. I've debated it every single day since I learned you sold out my sister's to Highburn. I smiled a bit. But I think this is better punishment.


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[Assistant] And I hope you live a long, long life, Iante, and never know a moment's peace.


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[Assistant] I stared down at her for a moment longer, trying off the tapestry, tying off the tapestry of words and commands I'd woven into her mind, and turned to Lucian. He'd fixed his pants, his shirt, his wide eyes slid from her to me, then to the bloodied stone. The word you're looking for, Lucian, crooned a deceptively light female voice, is Damati. We whirled toward Brannag, and dagged in.


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[Assistant] It was the end of chapter 9. We're almost to the double digits. Holy moly. Branagh and Dagdan coming in right at the end. We were trying to dip out.


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[Assistant] Maybe they were trying to stalk Phyra after that? Trying to stalk Phyra? Our little homegirl? Maybe they do.


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[Assistant] Maybe they knew, maybe they're a little bit stronger than we had thought originally, but they've made it through her little guise without her really, without Feyre really knowing. And now maybe that their plan is playing out. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Maybe they've given fake information now, cause I mean, it seems like they were overplaying a lot of that, right? 200,000 troops of fey?


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[Assistant] You know? They make it seem like there's not that many fey in the world really at all. Especially like... Militia-like, war-like fey, but...


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[Assistant] Other than that, let's get, let's get ready to get back into chapter 10 y'all. So make sure to stay hydrated, stay beautiful, stay hydrated, and we will see you in the next chapter. Bye.


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[Assistant] That's right. That was where everyone slept. Anytime we played Brooklyn early on and we were staying at your place, anyone would always sleep in the chef's room because he was never home.


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[Assistant] I think we had a wide enough range of stuff that we all listened to differently and then that all kinda like came together. So it was, it wasn't just like five people that listened to the same one thing, it was five people that listened to like four different things.


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[Assistant] This isn't going to be a part of my life at some point. Everything that I've ever played is everything that I've ever wanted to play. Okay. You know, so like I never like just like dialed it in or just like played something just because like everything that I wanted to do is the part that I wanted to play. Yeah, I think that's a difference. So and I'm just like if I didn't want to do this, I wouldn't.


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[Assistant] I also like, like the, some of the newer bands that are coming out, just to like...


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[Assistant] Here where the next generation's coming from, like this is band Jab that's like, Unreal Heavy, that are, that's coming out of like Long Island right now. It's just like, holy, you know, like goddamn, like.


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[Assistant] It's like people we know watched the New York Hardcore documentary on VHS from None of the Above. Right. Uhm, cause we all got it from the same place. And like, so it was like that kind of era of people growing up in that scene. Right. You know, that that documentary kind of encapsulated for us.


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[Assistant] Long Island was not like that. I saw Converge in like 2002 in Mineola at this like venue that's probably at the size of this room. Club Pure. Club Pure. Yea, it was right before Jane Doe came out. And that was, that was absolutely insane.


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[Assistant] I would, I would kind of like pose the question like, do you think that


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[Assistant] Enjoyment of heavy music at a neurochemical base is kind of like a universal. Like no matter where you come from, you have the same kind of reaction to that sound.


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[Assistant] You know, like, it's like kinda like, releases like, kinda releases something. Yeah, like, you're, you're, you're like, you're genetically predisposed to liking heavier music and being drawn to like, atonal, like, off tempo, weird time, like, slow moving shit and you don't know where the next chords are coming from. Like, I think there's some sort of like,


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[Assistant] But I think, I do believe that there's like some sort of genetic aspect to it, like there's like a predisposition to it.


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[Assistant] Oh, that was a good time. I was, uh, I was unreal geeked up the whole time.


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[Assistant] Well, on Lord Ram, actually I grew up hearing stories of Ram. We had pictures of Ram in our homes.


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[Assistant] Right behind our childhood, right behind my home, there was a temple of Ram.


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[Assistant] You can leaps and bounds and you are helping many others to start early now by your outreach.


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[Assistant] But, uh, you know, in India, especially that idea of, that means you just to teach something, Ram let,


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[Assistant] That is from the Bhagavata's perspective of helping a person to become detached, a person who is in the position of Parishad Maharaj.


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[Assistant] It's almost an echo of what comes in the 10th canto or we could not echo, we could say a precursor of what they have described about Krishna and the gopis.


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[Assistant] It's also, maybe one way is that it's also to illustrate his renunciation. That if he was so used to comfort and then he accepted so much, uh, so much austerity.


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[Assistant] And we didn't have TV, but we would go to our neighbors place or go somewhere else.


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[Assistant] Let's feel it was there and it is, the appeal is enduring, even now.


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[Assistant] Thank you Myra. It's a beautiful thing, a scriptural, as we said, a lot of scriptural verses, but this is a very good meditation on how


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[Assistant] Ramayan itself, uh, starts with this question, uh, what, what are the characteristics of an ideal person? So, and is there an ideal person like that? In fact, that's, that's the discussion which Valmiki has with Narad Muni and then Narad Muni describes Ram to him.


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[Assistant] This question I have been pondering on that when I wrote a book on the Ramayan or wisdom from Ramayan and life and relationships. So. Yes.


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[Assistant] Honour his word to his wife that Dashrath allows his son to go to the forest. Although that was worse than death for him.


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[Assistant] Uh, now when Lakshman goes, his wife doesn't go with him. She says, I'll also come with you. He says, no, if you come with me, I'll have to take care of you. But I'm going there only to serve Sita and Ram. And then the later tradition says that,


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[Assistant] I have two duties, one duty to my older brother and the other duty to my parents.


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[Assistant] He has the, he has the kingdom dropped in his lap, we could say without doing anything on his own. And yet he doesn't accept that. He accepts the responsibility without the, without the facility, without any comforts.


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[Assistant] It's said that he lives in a forest and he performs actually more austerities than Ram also.


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[Assistant] So, I didn't know that part, okay. That is the only definite answer. I know at the end, the narration of Mahabharata also depicts, still they are perplexed. What is Dharma? So, it is a search for Dharma and, uh,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I've heard about it. I have not yet read it till now. Other devotees also told me about it. I found also Krishna Dharma Prabhu's Ramayan tradition very beautiful.


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[Assistant] In fact, uh, as compared to, it's, this brings us a bigger, bigger question Maharaj that


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[Assistant] Let us say that the Gita Press has tried to accurately translate into English.


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[Assistant] So I have been thinking about, uh, about this topic and, uh, I thought of a metaphor, I think it's based on something I had read elsewhere that is like,


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[Assistant] Encarta Encyclopedia was quite a good resource. So he did a comparison of how, uh, Islam was treated in Encarta Encyclopedia and how Hinduism was treated. So he said that if there are some, there are some points which don't make sense. They were right for Islam that, uh, there is the,


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[Assistant] How would you consider from a devotee perspective that


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[Assistant] I don't want to use the word disclaimer for it. That is a local tradition, but it just, uh, maybe it's a note can be there.


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[Assistant] So even drama is not like a, like a frozen genre. Even modern novelizations you could call as dramas. Because modern novels are not exactly plays. So, but still the rules we could apply here also.


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[Assistant] Almost summarizing the prayer, summarizing the past time and then offering a prayer, it made this Lord protective. We discussed some aspects of those, that prayer also.


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[Assistant] And then, uh, we discussed 11th kanto, the tektwas of this Teja, words and how it refers to Ram. And, uh, we discussed from the


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[Assistant] It is a experience. It is a living experience that is discussed about this.


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[Assistant] So in that sense, it's actually a reenactment itself.


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[Assistant] Where the facility is available, that's not available unfortunately much in India, but the Bhakti Yantraswati Centre is one thing that is coming up. It has already started up.


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[Assistant] Yeah, disappointed in the loss, thought we gave ourselves, uh, plenty of opportunities.


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[Assistant] I thought we had a couple of chances in the last couple of drives that we didn't, we didn't take advantage of.


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[Assistant] We lost turnover battle really for the first time. So I thought that was a big difference in the game.


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[Assistant] But yet there was, you know, a lot of positives, particularly early in the game. I thought we did some good things. It was nice to see Jimmy had a couple of nice catches, contest catches. So I'll open it up to questions.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think that was one of the things that, you know, we've said this, that, you know, we don't have to see it every day from these guys, particularly the veteran players, but yet at some point we have to see it. So, uhm, and we saw it tonight.


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[Assistant] I think it's all, all encompassing. Uhm, he nailed the 50 yarder, uhm, went right down the middle and then the 60 yarder, uhm, just hung it out to the right, you know, a little bit and had plenty of leg.


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[Assistant] And look, I mean, percentages of 60 yarders aren't, aren't very high in our league, but yet I wanted to give the kid a chance to see what he could do. And I just missed the kick.


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[Assistant] I don't know what his final stats were, but I did think he was active in the game, both in, in, uh, against a run and, and, uh, you know, with the pass rush. So.


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[Assistant] Thought I saw, you know, there was a couple of good things I saw at Isaiah Foskey also in the game. So, um, look, we, you know, um, we got some tough decisions that are, that are coming up.


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[Assistant] Um, we got a lot of good football players on this team and, um, we gotta make some decisions over the next 48 hours.


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[Assistant] I don't think you're ever where you want to be, um, or where we need to be. We're in a race to improve, uh, getting ready for the opener this, uh, you know, here, here in two weeks from, from today.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, it was much better. Uhm, it was much better in the game.


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[Assistant] I think we had one, one fall start and I think that was just, I think we took too long at the line of scrimmage and needed to kind of get into the flow a little bit and get the snap going. So, uh, but I thought that was a, that was a step forward.


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[Assistant] And then again, you know, I saw it this week in practice and I saw it carry over into the game. So that was a positive.


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[Assistant] Yet he's still a, he's still a rookie and still has a long way to go. Uhm, but he's made significant strides from where he was, you know, in OTAs and even the first part of training camp. So uhm.


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[Assistant] And look, that's what you want to see. You want to see a guy that every time he gets an opportunity to go out there and get more reps, you see a guy that's getting more comfortable in what we're asking him to do.


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[Assistant] Well, look, this time of year is always difficult, um, you know, uh, and probably more difficult, um, this year. And, and that's a, that's a, that's a good challenge to have a good problem to have, uh, knowing that, you know, we've got a lot of good football players and, um,


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think we just got a lot of good players, you know, and you can't keep them all. So uhm, there'll be some, some tough moves.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we'll, we'll, we'll discuss it tomorrow and see where we're at.


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[Assistant] You know, last year in the preseason and the last preseason game, he was injured, you know, so, uh, I felt.


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[Assistant] Uhm, he's getting closer. Uhm, he's not, he's not full, full go yet. So uhm, but he's continuing rehab.


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[Assistant] Well, look, I mean, you know, some of the guys, you know, you've got some, you know, significant exposure to in terms of past experience. Uhm, and then you got to go back to what you saw early on in camp.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I think we'll look at all that and we'll take it all into consideration and, you know, we'll make the moves that we think are best for this team.


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[Assistant] For some reason, the Dodger did not want to enter London during daylight, so it was nearly 11 o'clock at night when they got near the centre.


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[Assistant] Oliver had never seen a dirtier or more miserable place.


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[Assistant] The streets in this district were narrow and muddy, and there were terrible smells everywhere.


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[Assistant] Children wandered around even at this time of night, in and out of the many shops, playing and screaming. The pubs were full of people fighting.


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[Assistant] Oliver almost wanted to run away.


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[Assistant] What a ripoff, dude. What a ripoff.


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[Assistant] Okay, Team SalesCore Industries. And on behalf of Microsoft, we want to thank you for letting us help you brush up on your PowerPoint skills.


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[Assistant] In Popo's room, my auntie protested. Too late, too late. As my mother approached the bed, but this did not stop my mother. Come back, stay here, murmured my mother to Popo. Noori's here, your daughter's back. Popo's eyes were open, but now her mind


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[Assistant] Seeing her for the first time, this pretty woman was her white skin and oval face.


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[Assistant] Not too round like aunties or sharp like popas. I saw that she had a long, wide neck, just like the goose that had laid knee. That she seemed


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[Assistant] Deep in cool cloth to lay on purpose bloated face.


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[Assistant] As she peered into Popo's eyes she clucked soft, worried sounds. I watched her carefully, yet it was her voice that confused me, a familiar sound from a forgotten dream.


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[Assistant] When I returned to my room later that afternoon, she was there, standing tall.


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[Assistant] She took my hand and led me to the city.


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[Assistant] And then, she also sat down as though we had done this every day.


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[Assistant] My mother began to loosen my braids and brush my hair with long, sweeping strokes. And Nay, you had been a good daughter, she asked, smiling a secret look.


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[Assistant] I looked at her with my no nothing face, but inside I was trembling.


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[Assistant] I was the girl whose belly held a colorless winter melon. I may. You know who I am. She said with a small scurled in her voice. This time.


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[Assistant] And then I could feel her long smooth fingers rubbing and searching under my chin.


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[Assistant] Finding the spot. That was my smooth neck scar.


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[Assistant] As she rubbed the spot, I became very still. It was as though she were rubbling


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[Assistant] She was rubbing the memory back into my skin, and then her hand dropped and she began to cry, wrapping her hands around her own neck.


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[Assistant] She cried with a wailing voice that was so sad. And then I remembered the dream was my mother's voice.


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[Assistant] I was four years old. My chin was just above the dinner table.


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[Assistant] And I could see my baby brother sitting on Popo's lap, crying with an angry face.


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[Assistant] I could hear voices praising a steaming dark soup brought to the table, voices murmuring politely, ching ching. Please eat.


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[Assistant] My uncle rose from his chair. Everyone turned to look at the door where a tall woman stood. I was the only one who spoke. Ma, I had cried, rushing off my chair.


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[Assistant] Now everyone was standing up and shouting and I heard my mother's voice crying. Amei. Amei.


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[Assistant] Above this noise, Purple's true voice spoke. Who is this ghost? Not an honored widow, just a number three concubine. If you take your daughter, she will become like you.


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[Assistant] Still, my mother shouted for me to come.


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[Assistant] I remember her voice so clearly now. Amei. Amei.


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[Assistant] I could see my mother's face across the table. Between us stood the soup pot on its heavy chimney pot stand, rocking slowly, back and forth.


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[Assistant] I cried out loud only a little because soon my flesh began to burst inside and out and cut off my breathing air. I could not speak because of this terrible choking feeling.


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[Assistant] I could not see because of all the tears that poured out to wash away the pain.


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[Assistant] Later that night, Purple's voice came to me. I may listen carefully.


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[Assistant] Her voice had the same scolding tone she used when I ran up and down the hallway. I may.


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[Assistant] If you die, you will have a short life and you will still owe your family a debt.


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[Assistant] Popo said something that was worse than the burning on my neck.


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[Assistant] Even your mother has used up her tears and left. If you do not get well soon, she will forget you.


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[Assistant] Hare Krishna, Shri Kuhamata Ji. Welcome to the Monks Podcast.


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[Assistant] Such an honor to have you with us. This is the first time I...


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[Assistant] I read your book on compassion then you corresponded, you wrote to me about


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[Assistant] Uh, my book of the Rama and you appreciated some of the points and then we met in the Bhakti Vand hospital. Then I read your book.


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[Assistant] I realize that you are filling a vital need in the devotee community.


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[Assistant] For somebody who can act as a guide, a coach and a guide for devotees.


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[Assistant] When they are practicing their devotional life and facing various challenges.


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[Assistant] Now, as devotees, we don't want to go to life coaches in the outside world. At the same time,


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[Assistant] We have various needs, not just directly spiritual needs, but we have various needs which may not be automatically addressed while we are in the devotee community.


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[Assistant] So when I travel across the world, I have also recommended several devotees who are having some difficulties to connect with you. And many of the devotees who have connected with you, they have experienced immense relief and, uh, they felt it was like a,


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[Assistant] New universe opening for them when they share, when they got the wisdom from you and the guidance from you. So I've been for a long time desiring that you can share your wisdom on this Monks podcast also. Thank you very much for joining today.


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[Assistant] Thank you. And so today we also have with us Gaurakumar Prabhu. He is one of the leaders in the Bhakti center and he is also a very close friend of mine.


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[Assistant] And he works as the chair of the computer science department.


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[Assistant] In the city of New York University, is that city? City University.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so uhm, so both of us will be discussing, asking some questions to Shukha Mataji together and then we'll see how it goes today.


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[Assistant] Maybe you could start with your journey. So how did you feel the need for say, what word do you use for self-care or say,


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[Assistant] For, for, for caring for ourselves while practicing Bhakti, how did you yourself find the need for that?


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[Assistant] You're just speaking this so cheerfully, but it must have been quite a traumatic experience to go through it all. It was intense. It was intense. Yeah. So, you know, I have also been over the years.


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[Assistant] Before I was introduced to Krishna consciousness, one of the main genre of books I would read was self-help books. And then I just left it all.


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[Assistant] And then I started studying our scriptures and they were very illuminating, enriching. But as you said that at a particular time,


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[Assistant] I had tried to come up with a visual model, a Venn diagram. I would like to share that with you briefly and then we can move forward.


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[Assistant] And Gorkumar Pru at any time, feel free, you are part of the discussion, any time you can chip in either with a comment or a question, whenever you feel like it.


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[Assistant] Now I talk about three things, that's textual spirituality, traditional spirituality and applicational spirituality.


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[Assistant] So textual is basically what does this, like you said, quoting verses. What does this verse mean? How does this verse flow into that verse? What are the various meanings of this word and that word?


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[Assistant] Then, there is traditional spirituality is where the tradition, how the philosophy is translated by the tradition. That means a particular philosophy comes up, a particular world view comes up, a specific set of practices come up, say worship the deities, chant the holy names, go to the holy places.


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[Assistant] But it's more of, we could call it traditional application.


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[Assistant] But the applicational spirituality is where we apply to transform ourselves. So for example, now the way I explain this is, I have a full, where is it gone?


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[Assistant] When I talk about application spirituality, how can I lead a more meaningful and purposeful life? How can I become more understanding and forgiving? How can I manage my emotions? How can I connect better with myself, with others, with nature?


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[Assistant] Wow, yeah. This is often what is called as spiritual but not religious.


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[Assistant] Because people feel that sometimes this traditional spirituality, if it does not address their needs,


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[Assistant] Right. So my understanding is at the intersection of all these three circles, this place, that is where Krishna, we can find Krishna.


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[Assistant] We can practice the tradition, but we have the sacred ritual brahmanas who were doing the traditional rituals, but they lost Krishna.


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[Assistant] And similarly we can get, we can get it according to applying, but again we can use Krishna.


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[Assistant] So generally speaking, it is expected that the textual and traditional will automatically get us to that center. But sometimes we may not get there.


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[Assistant] And similarly, say when somebody is going into applied spirituality, they can go into areas which are actually not connected with Krishna also. So that's also a danger.


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[Assistant] So maybe you could, uh, I would like to reflect on some of what you said, but since you brought it up, can you tell us a little bit about your book and when, what is it about, when is it likely to come out?


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[Assistant] This book is, uh, a much more


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[Assistant] Much more broader application as compared to say your book on compassion is focused on one thing. Now it is you are actually addressing the entire gamut of a devotee's life.


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[Assistant] And how to, how that a devotee can grow holistically as you mentioned earlier.


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[Assistant] So, you know, couple of things about what you mentioned earlier that generally even I, when I grew up in my spiritual life, there was a fear and a suspicion


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[Assistant] About reading any books other than our traditions books and that too even specifically Prabhupada's books. The fear is that


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[Assistant] One might get deviated by those, by reading those books that suspicion is that these are not necessarily what, uh, these are all people as I'll put it in scare quotes, karmis who have written it. What do they know? I know there was one self-help book which I had read before I was introduced to Krishna Consciousness and I


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[Assistant] I had found it very helpful at that time, but when I started practicing Bhakti,


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[Assistant] But, uh, I felt I was giving that as a sample of the cursory way in which at one time, uh,


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[Assistant] Unnecessary, but it was also seen as sometimes contaminating. Now I look back and see it's like a very short sighted way of looking at things.


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[Assistant] I have my answers about this, but I would like to hear what do you think about this?


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[Assistant] Because I studied engineering and some of the engineering what I learnt.


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[Assistant] Not my specialized engineering but overall I am using that knowledge in Krishna's service. I learned English from a person who was a meat eater.


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[Assistant] But I'm using that in Krishna's service. So somehow it seems that if somebody has learned something before they come to Krishna consciousness, that's fine, use it. But after you come to Krishna consciousness, don't learn anything more. That doesn't seem to make much sense to me.


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[Assistant] So there are two things over there. There is a source which I don't find a very substantive argument because you know, Chanakya Pandit also said that and Prabhupada quoted that you can take gold even from a filthy place. So even if somebody is that way, it doesn't matter. But now coming to the point of the content.


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[Assistant] That, see there is a very clear understanding of the difference, say if my hand is fractured,


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[Assistant] I obviously have to go to an orthopedic surgeon and get it prepared. Or if my car is damaged or whatever. I have to do that.


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[Assistant] Not so much the body, body to some extent we understand that we have to go to a doctor. If I have to manage my finances, I may have to go to a financial expert. If I have to decide where to invest or whatever. But when it comes to the mind, somehow, you know, in the material world, or I don't know,


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[Assistant] In the outside world, people equate the mind and the soul and they reduce it to the mind.


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[Assistant] Right. So that means we think that by the spiritual practices, the mind should be automatically taken care of.


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[Assistant] And it has to be addressed in its own way, that understanding that acknowledgement is lacking.


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[Assistant] And one reason for that is also that say we say that mantra, mantra, the literal meaning of the word mantra is that which frees the mind from anxiety, from misery. So we expect, at least from the very definition of the mantra which is our core sadhana, we expect that


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[Assistant] The spiritual practices like chanting should relieve our mind and that's why it feels a little bit, uh,


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[Assistant] Not little bit, for many people it feels quite a bit of uh, conflict.


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[Assistant] When that which our spiritual wisdom is meant to address, if for that we need to go to somewhere else.


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[Assistant] You know, I would like to, Gaurakumar, thank you for that question. Shiva Mataji, thank you for that answer.


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[Assistant] You know, I would just like to re-link this very beautiful analysis of judgment and curiosity back to the earlier point about self-help, what we were mentioning. I feel that sometimes, uh, uh,


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[Assistant] And sometimes our devotional practices or our spiritual philosophy actually increases and even equips that judgmental tendency.


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[Assistant] That means, say if somebody is struggling to do a particular thing, then we have quick answers. You are in Maya.


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[Assistant] Or you know, you are, you are like this, you are like that, you are spaced out, you are this, you are that.


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[Assistant] And then we, we, we, in fact what happens is it's almost like every devotee becomes like a, we could say like a free consultant. They tell what is the diagnosis and they tell what is the prescription. You know, you are in Maya, you know, chant more attentively or do this or do that.


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[Assistant] And then, that actually, when that happens, we feel, we feel un-understood, if there is a word like that.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that's true, misunderstood, but yeah, misunderstood, that's better actually. Yeah, we feel misunderstood. And then we also close up.


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[Assistant] And then it leads to a lot of loneliness also. So we have certain needs which are not being addressed or addressed. Whatever somebody is telling, like I have a disease and that prescription I have already tried, it is not working for me.


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[Assistant] So how, what do you think about this point that how do we use our Krishna conscious philosophy


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[Assistant] To move toward curiosity in our interaction with each other and not toward judgment with each other. Any thoughts on that?


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[Assistant] All these are resources, if I understood you right, is that these are resources for applying the practices of Krishna Consciousness.


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[Assistant] If we say these are our resources for applying.


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[Assistant] So does that mean that our own, uh, say the movement and the tradition doesn't provide these resources?


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[Assistant] Because again going back to that earlier point about the mind.


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[Assistant] Could it be that, so I thought a little bit and I'll share some of my thoughts and then you can add or.


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[Assistant] I feel that, that we are, when we conceive the tradition, we have like a very narrow vision of the tradition.


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[Assistant] The traditions was a community, tradition was a way of living and, uh,


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[Assistant] I think for each devotee there are three conflicts that they have to negotiate. Okay. One is the conflict between us and the broader society around us.


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[Assistant] Because of which the kind of conditionings we have to deal with are far more complicated.


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[Assistant] Now we, in one sense, when we are practicing bhakti,


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[Assistant] Uh, especially if we are living in a community where we are practicing Bhakti.


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[Assistant] Is it our home or is it our workplace? It's both. Or is it our place of worship? Oh, yeaah. That's good, you know.


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[Assistant] What did you say? Vrindavan is my home, Mayapur is my place of worship and Mumbai is my office.


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[Assistant] Yeah, beautiful. So I think because of all these tensions,


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[Assistant] Not just the, not just the Vedic tradition but also other religious traditions. One of the things they said is that a large part of the wisdom was passed down through the oral tradition.


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[Assistant] And in the past, writing books was much more difficult. It was not so easy and few people only wrote books.


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[Assistant] So what happened was Shloprabhupad in a sense had to


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[Assistant] In the written word, give not only what was traditionally given in the written word but also what was taught through the oral tradition.


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[Assistant] Right. And wherever we get it from, we take it and move for, move ahead.


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[Assistant] We sometimes conflate the institution with the tradition.


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[Assistant] And the tradition is, had many more resources, which we as an institution now need to create.


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[Assistant] So now what he meant by that and how it was going to be done, you know, he didn't, at least from what I have read.


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[Assistant] He didn't use specific guidelines, but he did recognize, that means, means what his point was that what we have been doing right now is not churning the milk. There is something which we need to do.


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[Assistant] To churn the milk, which is basically you could say like you said earlier that there is an external expansion.


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[Assistant] And there is we could say the inner expansion of our consciousness. Which we need to...


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[Assistant] Which, I like the point of external and internal because sometimes even for the external expansion of our movement,


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[Assistant] We draw on various resources. If you are going to build a temple, we don't just necessarily have only devotees, we have professional architects.


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[Assistant] So just as for the external expansion of our movement, we may draw resources from various places.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Similarly for our internal expansion also, why not?


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[Assistant] Maybe we have ourselves created a dichotomy.


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[Assistant] Where we have reduced the ambit of bhakti to certain things.


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[Assistant] That means Bhakti means chanting the holy names, Bhakti means worshipping the Deities, but Bhakti is also inclusive. Anything that helps us in the service of Krishna is Bhakti.


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[Assistant] When the devotees had a lot of difficulty in getting cement for building the Vrindavan temple, finally they got cement.


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[Assistant] So, Prabhupada was so care, Prabhupada was standing there and he was monitoring how is happening and then he told the devotee to be very careful that don't let the cement be stolen. And in the Lila Amrit it is written that


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[Assistant] If counting cement bags can be bhakti,


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[Assistant] Then say trying to understand our emotions and trying to understand our needs and taking care of that, why can't that be bhakti? Isn't it?


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[Assistant] That if we don't use our emotions, they will use us. They will. I like, I like the word, I like the specific word use over here because use also means there's yukta vairagya. That you know, we talk about how use material things with detachment.


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[Assistant] If we consider our emotions are very, very definitive, are very important for in shaping who we are and what we do.


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[Assistant] If I don't want to use a computer, I can choose not to use a computer. It may make my life a little difficult. But I can very well do without a computer. But a computer is external to me.


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[Assistant] Because you know, you are talking a lot about humility and I feel we could maybe unpack this a little bit.


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[Assistant] Yeah, so this is, this is a lot to think about.


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[Assistant] So first thing I felt was based on the thought that came to me and Gorkha Marpuru also spoke this that actually


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[Assistant] When we talk about humility, sometimes we talk about humility almost in a sense that we blot ourselves out of existence.


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[Assistant] It means that something like I value something bigger than myself.


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[Assistant] That I want to serve Krishna and for serving Krishna I want to care for myself because it is I who am going to serve Krishna.


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[Assistant] Somebody has dis, hurt me, insulted me, disrespected me and then...


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[Assistant] On top of that person says, you know, if you are humble, you wouldn't feel hurt by that.


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[Assistant] So are you saying that by this analysis,


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[Assistant] I should, I should not feel hurt.


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[Assistant] Or is this more like an intellectual analysis to decrease the amount of the hurt or what are you trying to say by this?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I know it's a deeper level. Somehow this seems to almost run, I would say, contrary to all that you have been speaking till now.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, emotions. Well, if I, if I really as at the level where I could say that I am different from my false ego or I am different from my mind, then I wouldn't need all this.


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[Assistant] So going back to an earlier point where you said we can see emotion as information.


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[Assistant] When they are walking over my foot, I am the soul and I am different from my foot.


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[Assistant] Uh, that if somebody is hurting me, it's actually hurting my false ego, not me. So this kind of distancing.


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[Assistant] Should not mean that I'll continue to let them hurt me.


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[Assistant] Right. So we have to do the needful to protect ourselves while at the same time, and we could say one part of protecting ourselves is say dealing with the external situation. Another part of protecting ourselves is also to deal with the internals by understanding actually they are not hurting me.


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[Assistant] But right now because my consciousness is invested in my mind, so I have to deal with the situation.


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[Assistant] I wrote, I wrote one of my books on like quotes based on the Gita, you helped me to edit that also.


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[Assistant] Quite comprehensively. So there I think there is one quote which just came to my mind that I wrote is, intelligence means to understand how our mind makes us misunderstand.


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[Assistant] So, it's a very beautiful point that, so, like say if I am angry, uh, so I could just


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[Assistant] If we apply that earlier point of judging ourselves and like you said shaming ourselves. Yes. And if I am feeling angry.


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[Assistant] It simply means I am a short tempered person. I have so many anarthas or if you feel greed or lust or whatever, just say, okay, I am such a fallen person because I have this, these particular anarthas. But instead of that, okay, if I feel angry, I see that what, what is it that is actually making me angry? And then what do I need?


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[Assistant] Well, isn't it straightforward that my need is that you should respect me? So what is there to explore within that?


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[Assistant] That's a lot to, we are sharing a lot of wisdom here with us. I feel that many of these concepts could be further unpacked.


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[Assistant] When you said about, uh, say exploring our needs.


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[Assistant] So how do we decide that when I am taking care of my needs,


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[Assistant] So that can happen at the physical level also. I think that can easily happen at the emotional level where we start.


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[Assistant] Where self care becomes a excuse for self indulgence.


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[Assistant] I am going towards self absorption, narcissism.


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[Assistant] When you say that I am not ready to take it on, what does that mean practically? Then what should I do in that situation?


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[Assistant] I shouldn't make that as a reason for condemning myself.


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[Assistant] So instead of that, okay, what is it, what need is not being fulfilled because of which I am going towards becoming self-obsessed.


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[Assistant] See, I was talking about obsession in a different sense or maybe you are giving example which I am not connecting. See, there is one thing, obsession with physical things, like say chocolate cake or many things like that. But I am talking about obsession with self-care.


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[Assistant] That means I start becoming obsessed with, you know, what am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling this? And what is going on over here?


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[Assistant] And quite often neglecting can be, we can do it in various ways. So I could say that I can become obsessed with my external so that I, I can, I can dodge dealing with my internals.


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[Assistant] And similarly the opposite can also happen. I can obsess with my internals so that I can dodge dealing with my externals. After I do my internal homework, I may also have to do some outer work.


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[Assistant] So by honesty, yes, it definitely makes sense. So by, you have mentioned honesty a little bit, I mean several times you have mentioned it. So I would maybe, I would like to


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[Assistant] And I don't feel fresh. The alarm has gone up. I'm meant to wake up. I feel very tired.


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[Assistant] So honesty would mean at one level, you know, this, this, I am feeling tired, but this tiredness could just be the, because of the laziness that is there initially when we wake up.


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[Assistant] This tiredness could be because I slept very late yesterday and I need more rest. This tiredness could be because I had a bad night, I had bad dreams and that's why although I slept adequate time, I didn't get rest.


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[Assistant] That tiredness could be because maybe I have fallen sick and that's why I am feeling like that.


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[Assistant] So honesty would mean that first like say I non-judgmentally acknowledge whatever I am feeling and then after that I try to analyze it. Okay, I am feeling like this. Why am I feeling like this?


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[Assistant] Beautiful, so I never thought of integrity in this clear terms.


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[Assistant] I would like to ask one last question and then Gokumar can ask anything more, can do that and then I'll try to summarize and you can give some concluding words.


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[Assistant] Now I am trying to like make a mental picture of these three things. Humility, honesty and integrity.


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[Assistant] So, and you said that, now I understood clearly about honesty and integrity. How? Integrity because it is, it is more connected with our external commitments. It is relatively easier to, to gauge whether we are having integrity or not.


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[Assistant] And how by that, once we start at least becoming observant to that level, eventually we can also be honest with ourselves.


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[Assistant] Now instead of artificially saying that, you know, I should be humble and I should not feel hurt.


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[Assistant] By this person, whatever they have spoken, I honestly acknowledge what I am feeling and then try to look at my needs.


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[Assistant] Oh, it was not just excited, it was illuminating.


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[Assistant] Usually at the end of the talk, I try to summarize. I'm not sure how much I'll be able to do today because we went over a lot of territory, but let me try to do something.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, which is, you can, you can, you will be blessing them through the books, but.


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[Assistant] Also, I believe you have a website where if devotees want to contact you, they can contact you. It's a heart connection. So, I will mention that also in the description.


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[Assistant] So you are available for devotees if they want to consult you?


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[Assistant] So, I think we discussed broadly on the theme of the role of self-care in Bhakti. They would say that overarching theme and then you started with your journey where


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[Assistant] You found that the standard prescriptions were, which you followed diligently for more than two decades, almost three decades, they weren't, they weren't working and you were depressed and the intense situation.


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[Assistant] And that's when you prayed to Krishna for guidance and through, say, compassionate communication and other resources, you learned them and now you are sharing them with others.


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[Assistant] And then a major part of the discussion, I think we discussed three main topics subsequently. One was, do devotees need self-care at all?


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[Assistant] So we talked about isn't our, isn't Bhakti alone enough?


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[Assistant] So then that 2-3 points in that. Now what does Bhakti mean?


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[Assistant] So then I start, I talk show that, that Venn diagram of textual, traditional and application of spirituality.


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[Assistant] Just as we use various resources,


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[Assistant] For doing our outer services to Krishna, if we are using a computer and we want to fix it, we go to expert.


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[Assistant] So then, why can't we use various resources for doing our inner work in Krishna service? So,


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[Assistant] Then within that, it is, there's this confusion say in the material world.


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[Assistant] People equate the soul with the mind, those who are like spiritually inclined, but we might equate the mind with the soul.


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[Assistant] That the spiritual practices will automatically take care of our mental needs or our emotional needs.


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[Assistant] But, uh, just like the body is a genre in itself and the body is fractured, we have to go to a doctor. Similarly our emotions also, we need to take care of them. And rather than seeing that, it


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[Assistant] It, we could become obsessed and that can divert us from bhakti.


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[Assistant] If we are earnest, I'll let you talk later about if we are honest, then we will avoid getting obsessed and we will use these for enhancing our service to Krishna.


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[Assistant] Enhancing our, developing our relationship with Krishna.


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[Assistant] Then you said, you talked about how, that was one, one theme about why self-care is important. And then in self-care, we discussed about two things. One is judgmental attitude. And then within that also we discussed about humility further, humility, honesty and integrity. So judgmental attitude, the way we avoid that is by seeing


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[Assistant] That underlying those judgments, whether it is we passing it on ourselves or others passing it on ourselves,


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[Assistant] We treat, we treat them with curiosity rather than judgmentality.


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[Assistant] So you know, you think I am like this. What made you think like that? We ask a question like that. Or even if we do something which is wrong.