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[Assistant] That'd be so good. Oh, trust me. So it's like me doing vocals in the screen. With trees stand up. That's it. Five minutes of stand up next week. Can we do heckling? Urinating tree. Yes. With heckling. With heckling, okay. With heckling. Oh, I could do that myself. Okay.


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[Assistant] Next week, four minutes. You cuss next week, you gotta do it again next week, three minutes. All the way until it's complete.


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[Assistant] Who's winning the NFC East video? Please relax. I filmed this before we lost to the Jag because I wasn't anticipating losing to the Jaguars. Go check it out though. Sure.


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[Assistant] Pretty much, uhm, I got Colt's Vikings Greatest Game coming out after this.


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[Assistant] So I've got a video on the worst statistical football game ever. Like the absolute most unwatchable game that has ever occurred in the history.


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[Assistant] Yes. We will see you next week, we'll be here. So.


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[Assistant] It's about Tiger Woods. Here we goooooo. First up, things about the NBA Finals.


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[Assistant] Team for the NBA Finals and I personally would have picked Miami Heat if they respected their coach just a little bit.


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[Assistant] Who I'd like to congratulate, by the way, on having his quinceañera just this past weekend.


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[Assistant] Now let's go to Michelle Gibbons, who's live at the NBA Finals. Michelle?


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[Assistant] When Mike Miller plays for the Heat, he also plays for the Thunder.


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[Assistant] In regard to the New York Knicks coaching position, Phil Jackson was recently quoted saying, and I quote, no.


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[Assistant] If, if it helps you, like, uh, broadcast to a greater audience, builds your audience, it may be worth that $8, just saying.


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[Assistant] Made about 85 months worth of Twitter blue. Congratulations.


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[Assistant] Yeah, we, we, we're catching all of the Pokemon and then drafting them in a mock draft, all 150 of the originals, plus how many of the extras we have, I think.


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[Assistant] Cause it's like the original 150, then you had to do like the little hack and red or blue to get new game shark.


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[Assistant] Stand up. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Okay.


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[Assistant] And how are we doing this, guys? Are we doing this for real? Or are we doing this jokingly? Semi-jokingly? What's happening?


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[Assistant] Now you said these are available on onlyfans.com slash what?


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[Assistant] Can we get this going? Yeah. Alright. $75. I'll start it off. I'll pick the first pick because I actually know what's going to happen. They, uh, they called, the Panthers called me and told me who they were selecting. And it's actually a smoke screen.


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[Assistant] They actually, they're going with Anthony Richardson, number one overall. Go Gators. That's what they told me. I'm not, I'm not sure. I'm not sure what you know.


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[Assistant] I don't think so, because quite honestly, there has been confirmation they're getting Bryce Young. They're getting Bryce Young. It's a smoke screen. Ooh, so I used a smoke screen. Two for Rich, two for Young. The Magic said we were taking Jabari Smith the whole time. Then we took Paulo Boncaro. The same thing's happening right now.


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[Assistant] Yeah, what are these Texans gonna do? Because to me, this is where Anthony Richardson goes, if it's not number one.


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[Assistant] How serious are you about Will Levis?


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[Assistant] Is Jalen Carter going to be corralled in that Seattle system? Because if he is, I snag him at five easily.


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[Assistant] I just hope he doesn't last to the Eagles. As long as Jalen Carter's off the board before the Eagles pick, I'm fine.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I've been, I've been listening to a lot of uh, very much cock in her lobby and uh, there's a lot of marijuana deaths by uh, one puff of marijuana and you are just a ruined fellow.


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[Assistant] because this is somebody if they go for Willis or Anthony Richardson, they move up in trade. So the Lions would be actually a decent trade up option if nobody gets it from Arizona.


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[Assistant] I honestly just don't see why Levis is going up the board so much.


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[Assistant] What are we saying? So what would be the trade return? Two firsts? Desmond Ritter? It would just be two firsts. Desmond Ritter too probably, so you have a quarterback in the system.


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[Assistant] Number eight though, I feel like there's going to be some wheeling and dealing happening.


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[Assistant] Okay, so who are the Falcons taking then? They probably take Tyree Wilson.


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[Assistant] Are we saying they don't go Quentin Johnson or Jackson Smith?


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[Assistant] They're taking, uh, offer, or they're, they haven't been shopping him actively, but they've been fielding calls for, uh, Trey Lance.


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[Assistant] We'll give him Skoromsky. We definitely have to consider the titans at 11.


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[Assistant] Trading, or even the Texans at 12 trading for, uhm, uh, Trey Lance.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I feel like top 10, I think everyone has learned their lessons on running backs so high. I just feel like a running back will not leave the board to like 20. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] That's weird. They have a couple. I mean, they could use a slot receiver. They did lose Zach Pascal.


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[Assistant] I mean, unless you throw Malik Willis in there as filler, that's the only thing I can-


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[Assistant] If it's Ravens, you're probably going, well, there's no quarterback here, so probably Jackson, Smith and Jigba. Yeah, yeah.


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[Assistant] Uh, you know, Dalton Schultz is your tight end, so you got him some weapons, you can, like, um, like, cultivate him and let him do his thing.


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[Assistant] Do y'all realize I met Paris Johnson when he was in high school? Like I met him when he was in high school and he was HUGE. This was back when I was doing my Twitter deal with Adidas and they had that Friday night lights thing. And I was like, you should go to Florida. And he didn't. He didn't go to Florida.


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[Assistant] I should have been, uh, I should have been ready. Right. I think that's where he goes though. 13. What do you guys think? Sure.


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[Assistant] They do need a right tackle. They're preparing for the trade. They need to protect old Aaron Rodgers. Parris can do that.


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[Assistant] That's insulting to Bailey's happy. Come on.


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[Assistant] Wait, no, they trade. They trade for Trey. They trade for Trey Lance right here. They trade for Trey Lance.


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[Assistant] I don't, I wouldn't trust a guy with a leg injury on FedEx Field with another leg injury central. I don't, that's why I'm weirded out with Nick Gates cause he signed with the place that near the end of his career. Who are the remaining QBs? Uh, they got, Sam Howell.


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[Assistant] Hindenhooker has blazing speed, that's why.


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[Assistant] They don't have enough capital for that. They're going to take a corner here. They have Jacoby Percett and they trust Sam Howell. And Sam Howell was the top three pick at one point. I do trust Sam Howell. I think he needs to get more time. Honestly. I agree.


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[Assistant] All 17 games, baby. No, cause I saw Sam Howe at North Carolina in person when I was doing that stuff too.


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[Assistant] I feel like we're out of the area now where all the receivers are going to start flying off the board.


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[Assistant] They could trade for Traylands. Cause they got Baker.


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[Assistant] I think they go tackle. I think they go tackle. Donovan Smith got cut. They traded Shaq Mason. I think they go Darnell Wright. Alright. Bam!


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[Assistant] Like Tom, come back, we'll protect you better. Not really a take. I mean, Donovan Smith got cut and all he did was hold people.


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[Assistant] No, they, it was cause Stephen Ross was openly soliciting them. Tom Brady and Sean Payton. That's a big ol' no-no at the NFL.


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[Assistant] Nolan Smith, I mean it would fit the scheme, he's 245 soaking wet, but I mean that dude's got blazing speed and skill, and I think he kinda fits that Seattle mold of an edge rusher.


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[Assistant] Well they already drafted a receiver, you have to remember that.


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[Assistant] This actually is where Zay could go to the Ravens to be honest. They already have a wide receiver though. We gave, we gave uhm. Oh, who'd they draft? Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Shoot. Can't think of his name. The corner that fell pretty far, he's still here. Deontay Banks. That's who they're picking. You can bank on it.


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[Assistant] Or, I mean, there's not really a big linebacker on the board. They could replace their Kendricks here. Uh, you know, maybe a defensive lineman to go replace Tomlinson or maybe Daniel Hunter one day. There are a lot of things they can take this pick.


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[Assistant] I don't know if that'd be the right move though. Dalvin Cook's still a beast. And you're not going to get much more, maybe a second. Why would they? I say receiver. What are y'all saying?


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[Assistant] Ze flowers there. If they had ze flowers in that offense, that would be very difficult to guard. Sure. That makes sense.


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[Assistant] But Trevor Lawrence and like what they've been able to do, I feel like they're not in that category anymore. I don't look at the Jags as like the same way I look at some other teams that are just terrible all the time.


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[Assistant] He's really good. He actually was mo- he's been mocked to the Cowboys a bunch of times.


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[Assistant] Honestly, they have, a lot of cowboys have Avila ranked over Osiris right now. So.


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[Assistant] A lot of people are saying Avila will go off before Osiris.


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[Assistant] I would give him Osiris, honestly, that's a Florida guy.


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[Assistant] They like to take Florida players. They like to take people from Florida colleges. The Jags do. They could go branch for safety.


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[Assistant] What do y'all want here? Do y'all want what I think is gonna be the pick or the Jerry Jones pick?


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[Assistant] I don't think that's who the pick will be. I'm not even sure Bijan lasts this long. Right now everyone is mocking. Go to the tight end section.


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[Assistant] Everyone is mocking, can't think of his name right now, Michael Mayer. That.


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[Assistant] They're mocking him to the cowboys. I don't know. We've got-


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[Assistant] We got a lot of good, and then another one was Jalen Hyatt, the receiver from Tennessee. A lot of people were mocking him there.


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[Assistant] We may take Bijan, just because of Jerry. I don't think it's a may.


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[Assistant] I think it was just because of their defense, uh, Leslie Frazier. I think it was because, I mean, they had a lot of banged up issues, especially in their secondary. I would say.


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[Assistant] I would say that. I would say that wouldn't be a bad pick. Bam. Bam. Bills are getting deep.


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[Assistant] This is a great show. I am so glad I'm here. Oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] Do they go running back here, or do they still hold for wide out? Because Jemir Gibbs would be kind of a reach. They'd probably trade down here to be honest with you. Unless I can find-


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[Assistant] Well they do have to replace Chelsea. Give them Osiris because uh, they too like drafting Florida players. Do you think they'd go, yeah, Osiris Torrance or Anton Harrison even because they did lose Andre Dillard. They could use a little bit of Tackle. Lane Johnson, you don't know how long he's gonna last. Yeah. I mean, center you could go.


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[Assistant] Oh, he's probably retiring soon. Avila's still on the board? I would say Avila goes right here. I feel like Avila is a first round talent. I can't.


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[Assistant] Over the Florida man. You're interested in Steve Avila over your Florida boy. This is what everyone's been saying. I don't know. I haven't watched the film, but everyone, all the Cowboys fans in the reddits and the blogs, Avila first is who they want.


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[Assistant] The Packers fans are going to be so furious. They are. If that franchise guy and Theo Ash were here, they would be flipping gasses.


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[Assistant] We might actually drop Bijan, like that, I would give it a 30% chance.


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[Assistant] Jerry's not thinking about winning games. He's thinking about selling tickets. And Bijan is selling a lot of tickets.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Right now look at this and give us a letter grade. A through F, pluses and minuses. What are you ranking this mock draft? I would give it like, uh, seven thumbs up.


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[Assistant] I might buy that. That sounds delicious. We're getting some S's. Satisfactory, I'll take it.


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[Assistant] Before we go any further, Brandon, name as many Pokemon off the top of your head that you can right now.


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[Assistant] Like, gun to your head, uh, uh, something to your head, what are you saying?


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[Assistant] Someone robs you and is like, you gotta name three Pokemon or it's over for you. I'm dead.


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[Assistant] Oh, sorry, I'll do myself first then. Uhm, I just released a couple vids, NHL haters got an handful, free agency came out a few days ago, I am working on a video on the Pittsburgh Penguins missing the playoffs, and I will slowly die on the inside.


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[Assistant] Basically describing my plan on how to end homelessness and waste in central Florida. I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to learn a lot though.


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[Assistant] And I will be getting engaged either this weekend or next weekend. She doesn't know which weekend. So, uh, she definitely


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[Assistant] No, that was like more than that. That was the one where we had nothing to talk about. We dressed up as a couple characters and it was bad. It was, it was, it was, it dragged.


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[Assistant] We're doing the two quarterback system, but in reality,


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[Assistant] You, you acquired him, buddy. Uhm, quick question.


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[Assistant] in general, just because


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[Assistant] Cause we, we, we traded our trova picks to craft sets embedded to the backers.


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[Assistant] Well, ladies and gentlemen, welcome. It is, uh, Thursday at approximately 5.05, 5.06 Eastern Time, and Clickbait Sports is here once again to pollute your minds and soul and body.


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[Assistant] We got a lot to talk about today. We're going to talk about which coach is likely to survive as seen on the thumbnail, which one is going to eat the other person. My money is on Nathaniel Hackett eating Josh McDaniels. We're going to talk about that. We're going to preview the Thursday Night Football game. We got a guest.


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[Assistant] Talk about how this Buffalo game has just been moved to Detroit. So RIP to all the ACLs being played in that game. But first, before we get to any of that, let's go around. First, we got the man who's looking so spiffy with a brand new haircut. That's right.


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[Assistant] Just a waxing. Just a full on wax.


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[Assistant] Looking good, Perna. Looking good. Thanks guys. It is. Looking very good. Very dapper.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I know, a murr I think has a color-ish? I think it's frankincense's monster.


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[Assistant] Who was very, very confident, uh, that the Dallas Cowboys coming off a bye would defeat the Green Bay Packers who were on a not one, not two, not three, not four, but five game losing streak.


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[Assistant] I picked the Green Bay Packers to win. To make a bet. I picked the Green Bay Packers.


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[Assistant] Whatever you want. Cause I told Mike McCarthy, hey, run that football and he stopped running that football and it worked great.


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[Assistant] We can, we can talk about whatever you'd like to. I just found it very amusing that like, listen, you know, Packers were on a five game losing stretch. It was not looking good.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I'm glad if we got one win this season, it was against the Dallas Cowboys coming off a bye. That's fair. That made me feel very good on that.


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[Assistant] So my question is, Scooter, why did Jack Prescott throw two really bad picks to Rudy Ford, who like hadn't done anything?


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[Assistant] Uh, before we get into anything, uh, I was punished last week. I'm still working on the Super Bowl shuffle. However, I have another punishment, uh, today. Uh, a few weeks ago, uh, I was punished and was told to make a Brett Favre apology video. And the thing is, news kept breaking about Brett Favre.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it just said, like, it just never, ever end. Go go pack pack. So go pack pack. Uh, and so.


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[Assistant] With you today, I have a Redbar exclusive video.


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[Assistant] Uh, of him apologizing for all the things that he has done and trying to make amends to the community as a whole. So with that being said. Ahem. Ahem.


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[Assistant] I'm former Vikings quarterback Brett Favre. And you may be thinking...


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[Assistant] Don't I know you from somewhere else, and yes, I did play on the Falcons for a little bit, and of course, I did play on the New York Jets. You also may know me from There's Something About Mary, and also the guy who recommended you those sweet, sweet Wrangler jeans.


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[Assistant] But unfortunately I'm not here to talk about any of that today. There have been some reports in the news about money going missing, and by missing I mean into my wallet, that was meant for the needy. And I'm here to address those rumors today.


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[Assistant] And of course, I had no idea that that money was supposed to go towards the needy and impoverished. I would have never, ever taken that money from them if I had known. So I'm here today to apologize to you, the state of Mississippi. You can't get that money back, but I can throw a football real good.


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[Assistant] I have decided to partner with a great organization.


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[Assistant] Now many of you know me because of football, but what if I was to tell you there's another little sport called football as well? And that's why I'm gonna be partnering with Qatar for this FIFA World Cup. A country that has no blemishes on its record, treats their workers fairly, and they are totally alive.


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[Assistant] So make sure you tune into the World Cup in these coming weeks, and don't forget, buy Copperfit.


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[Assistant] Alright, we got, uh, we got lots to talk about. Uh, first of all, speaking of...


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[Assistant] The NFC East, let's stay there because Scooter is doing a little bit of a victory lap, not for his team, but for the Philadelphia Eagles as they did lose to the Washington Commanders. And it seems like the Eagles have now decided to raid a local nursing home and try and fix their abysmal run defense. Thoughts on this gentlemen?


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[Assistant] I don't know man, I think the commanders are a gritty football team. I think, you know, they did, they did beat the Packers, uh, but like they also, they,


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[Assistant] They have fought like a bunch and I don't think anyone gave them a shot. Their defense really showed up against the Eagles.


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[Assistant] And I think the game plan was perfect, like what Tree was saying. It's like, hey, let's just not let Jalen Hurts see the field. And the Eagles should have still won that football game, but they turned the ball over a million times.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I mean, but that's the thing, it also speaks, it really is, this season in particular is just so chaotic, and I don't know if there's any really, really good team.


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[Assistant] And based on the one, that's all that matters, you got the W. The point is, it's like all those top three teams, like now the Bills are falling down. It's just, it's a weird season. So if there's any...


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[Assistant] Kinda truth to that, any given Sunday, it is this 2022 NFL season.


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[Assistant] Isn't that this year? Like there's so many teams that you can just beat by running the football really well.


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[Assistant] Alright guys, who do you think is gonna last longer? There you go. Get out right now. Let's just get out now. So Nathaniel Hackett, Josh McDaniels, Josh McDaniels I think more than other, uh, is on the hot seat. Someone asked this before too in the chat. There was that story that came out that maybe the Raiders are just legit too broke to get rid of Josh McDaniels because of the contract that, uh,


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[Assistant] That's tough. Hackett's obviously struggling with Wilson and the Broncos. They also are dealing with every injury under the sun. And then also Josh McDaniels is just a bad coach, but they're in too deep. So Tree, what do you think goes first? And do any of them go after the season?


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[Assistant] Okay, you give your take and then we'll talk, because obviously you have the most experience with this.


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[Assistant] We do have a guest today, uh, for Syr5. Would you like to introduce our guest today?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he made the donation. He, he, it was this. It was like, uh, cause they lost all three New York teams. Okay. His current fan of theirs did, uh, state their punishment should be implemented if this happened. So 97 equals calendar year.


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[Assistant] Of Super Bowl 31-17, both Josh Allen 2017 Bills season, so it's not a, there's not a punishment there.


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[Assistant] Uh, Packers, Titans, Streamnet, APM, right after that, Packers Fan Reaction, and then Packers post-game, GPS.


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[Assistant] Man, I bet that he's in trouble. Do you guys bet that he's in trouble?


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[Assistant] Listen, Dance Night here has done like some terrible god-awful stuff that is on record of doing terrible, horrible stuff. I think though...


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[Assistant] Because some of it was like before the age that the internet was really like prevalent, like with the cheerleader story like that, I feel like it never got as much publicity as it should. Like this is like blatant in daylight, you know, because we can make fun of them like, oh, they got a crappy stadium and they treat their friends poorly, like what have you. But like using Brian Robinson as basically like a shield.


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[Assistant] Again, I think it's definitely, to say it nicely, it's unorthodox.


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[Assistant] And like, I don't, I was talking about this on GPS yesterday, it's a win-win situation, right? Because either the cults look like geniuses and like, you know, making a hire that's out of the ordinary and it works out. Or...


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[Assistant] What winds up happening is they just let them go because it's only interim. So like no one will care. So I think like, listen, they don't really need to win football games this year because their season's already pretty much all over anyway and they need a franchise QB. So, you know, I think that it's going to work out either way for the Colts. They're either going to, you know,


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[Assistant] I'm gonna call it up right now just so I can share the screen and do it the right way.


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[Assistant] So if people were watching the Friday Night Q&A, I opened a package and it was a signed poster here.


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[Assistant] He's a, in case you don't know who he is, he's a former, uh, vikings, uh, QB. Never thought he'd sign it right there. This was photoshopped. And I love how it's signed on his crotch.


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[Assistant] I don't think that they fire him, like, mid-season. Like, I just...


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[Assistant] It's not, unless they're just trying to like...


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[Assistant] So I think the team is just in disarray. I think when they resigned Kyler Murray to like that major deal, everybody and their mother knew like this probably was not going to end well because while he is very athletic, he doesn't have a good coach and I don't think he has an amazing team around him either.


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[Assistant] I don't know, like they just seem like they are the definition of mid right now, and there's nothing that has shown that they're going to get out of it.


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[Assistant] I mean, he wasn't like an elite player and, you know, when the Giants signed him to like that big contract, I was like, okay, you're really not getting like a whole lot there. So, you know, nice dude, you know, and he got paid, but yeah, I think just that he wasn't like a huge difference maker.


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[Assistant] Because I have an Android, so iOS, I can only get Twitter blue if I have iOS. You can't do it on desktop?


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[Assistant] Nevermind, man. This game, though, I hope it's just as half as fun as the first one was. Like, PJ Walker is starting again. Me playing Carolina is wearing their all-black uniforms, which I actually really like. Yes, black helmets. PJ Walker is starting? I think it'll be a fun game.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's PJ. Um, so yeah, well, that's gonna be fun. And then I, but I think the Falcons are going to win. I think that they are a better team. And while they have choked away a bunch of stuff, like I think that they're actually playing pretty solid football throughout the entire season. And like last week they were number one in the division. So maybe they get back.


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[Assistant] The second two that I've seen was the Super Bowl Shuffle.


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[Assistant] Well, tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern, I will be streaming, uh, Thursday Night Football in my effort to still stream every single primetime game this evening.


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[Assistant] Maybe a reaction afterwards, uh, tomorrow GPS at nine, then there will be the Packers Cowboys roast and then Q and A.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he threw a sick ass birthday, everybody was there, it was the talk of the town, nobody said anything about it other than what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was, uh, strippers. There were both male and female strippers, so equal, equal for the eyeballs.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uh, Pete Carroll pinata, a Pete Carroll voodoo doll for Broncos fans to just poke. Both for the Russell Wilson trade and for Super Bowl 48.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Um, and Russell Wilson was not criticized at all for, uh, losing his locker room this week, uh, which then was redacted, retracted by the NFL network, uh, at least further clarity, uh, upon, uh, what they were actually saying, um,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's been a fun week. If you didn't see, yes, Russell Wilson had a birthday party and for some reason it turned into a story about how many of his teammates showed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To which, uh, then led to his teammates having to defend him all day Wednesday in their press conferences.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To then, which led to more players saying like, uh, that's actually like a, probably a pretty good turnout. I don't know why this turned into a story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's just another wrinkle in the hole, like, let's pile on Russ sort of thing, uh, because the Broncos have been so bad. And because he's been bad. He's been a very bad quarterback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean even when, like when you're bad and your expectations aren't even super high,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, because the, there's no, there's not a, you don't have an option behind him where you're like, you know what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe this quarterback is the, the, the QB of the future. You know what I mean? It's like, we've got Brett Rippon. We kind of know who that guy is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the only reason you bench Russell Wilson is for injury, um, because you've got to hope he shows you something this season at some point to give you a little bit of hope for next year. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So screwed. Here's my question.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to say, I felt like Aaron Rodgers, uh, the, the Aaron Rodgers hate kind of peaked last year. It was the uncertainty moving forward with Green Bay was one like area of contention.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the fact that he started going on Pat McAfee's show and just like talking about like his opinions and thoughts. And if you have an opinion or thought that doesn't align with, you know, your own, you just hate that person for thinking differently than you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was kinda like the experience, the Aaron Rodgers experience last year, I felt. This year,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Less, less Aaron Rodgers hate, but more like, oh, you're not even playing good anymore. Uh, like, he'd probably criticize more for his play this season.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, than he's ever been before, where last year was just his personality. Uh, Russ is both this year, personality and play. Okay, that's fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, as somebody who knows him personally, yes, I can attest to this as a truth. I mean, that's kind of always been the knock on Kyler Murray's.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, a little self-absorbed, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing I actually respect about Kyler Murray is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He doesn't take the BS and him just like coming flat out and saying like, yo, Patrick, you should, you could have called me if you had like an issue. Like that's always, that's also been part of his personality.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think like, just going back to the Cardinals trying to put in the study clause to his contract, it's all these little things, like I don't know if they matter, but to me that's, so there's, I think there's enough people and enough stories around Kyler now where yeah, he's probably a little selfish, but


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kinda what, who you have to be, I think, to become an NFL quarterback as well. Like, you've gotta be cocky enough to believe, like, you're...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best, uh, player at one of the hardest positions in sports to go in and do it. So I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But if you're trying to use it to kind of shape who you think Kyler Murray is as like a leader and that sort of thing, which is I'm guessing, you know, what Peterson's angling at, then, you know, that's a different issue there, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know, I just like it. I like that Reathlete has their own podcast now and we get like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An interesting story. Like literally like every day there's almost an interesting story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is he the most hated? I don't even know. It's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's been happening like for so long. I think in terms of people being like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like you see more hate towards other quarterbacks than Deshaun Watson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some sort of outrage in something like that, but yeaah, I think people are just trying to forget about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russell Wilson's gotten a lot of, uh, one of the critiques has been like not enough of his teammates have come out and like spoken on his behalf.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least that I remember, maybe somebody's like, I don't like this, this signing, uh, but, like, and you, as a player, you're put in a bad position where,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're debating whether or not to maybe speak out about like a moral issue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, that could jeopardize your future in terms of your ability to make money. You know what I mean? We've seen the NFL when they don't like something, uh, that you're doing or saying be able to remove you from the league very effectively, uh, when you're not really, really good at throwing the football.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're really, really good at throwing a football, you're gonna get another chance. But like, that's probably why, you know, maybe, uh, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys who got to play with him now who do feel conflicted won't say anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let me shift gears here for a second though. It is a bad situation. Shift gears here to another quarterback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who's been up and down and up and down on the love and hate chart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I think he's back on the, the love chart. And that's one Kurt Cousins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, very good. Very good. You can be down low. You can, like, Russell Wilson, Aaron Rodgers. You can be like a guy who's just like, no. And Kirk Cousins, his hate's always been because average play, right? Usually you gotta be really bad to get hated on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her cousin's probably the most hated on average quarterback, uh, I feel like, last couple years. But this year, Vikings are winning.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, he just does some, some, some funny stuff on an airplane, and now he's talking to his dentists about getting a grill, uh, for, you know, the next video that they're gonna do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's one of the reasons, like, I don't hate the cowboys, is, is because of Dak. But like, da- somebody pointed out earlier, we brought up the chess, like, Jimmy G, Dak Prescott, uhm, the-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They get criticized, I feel like a little bit more, it's more play related than, I don't think, I don't think anybody's like hating on Dak because they don't like like his personality or Jimmy Garoppolo for that matter. I think those are two quarterbacks, people are like, yeah, those guys seem pretty cool. Like I would like to hang out with those guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would not like to stand next to Jimmy G, uh, and be looked at, uh, physically, visually, and judged, but like, both those guys seem cool, uh, likable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They have both played very well in the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They both probably get overly criticized for their play because they don't go out there and light it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like some other quarterbacks, although Dax had streaks where he has lit it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, especially if you're comparing him to Jimmy G, but since he plays for the Cowboys, since they have the spotlight on him, if he's not doing that every single week and you're not winning in the playoffs, he's going to get a lot of unjustified criticism.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The worst thing you can be if you're an NFL quarterback and you're drafted high is also like cocky, incompetent, and then really, really bad. And I think Johnny Manziel is like the best example of a guy who came into the league exuding like all of this


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna take the lead, League by Storm, and if you watch him, you're like, I don't know if this dude's gonna translate to the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People do not like that. They do not like that at all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Tree's right, where he has just hung around long enough that some of the hate has just washed away a little bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you get tired. It's just like it's exhausting to continually hate Tom Brady. We thought this guy would have retired like five years ago. And I agree with Scooter, like he can do whatever he want and people are gonna be like, yeah, that's just a good leader. Like he could take a crap on the side. He could pull down his pants. We could see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, Tom Brady is probably the worst version of Tom Brady, uh, since his rookie season. And he's still a lot better than my quarterback this year. That's what really makes me mad. That's what really makes me mad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This week he got back up there. It was like he had like a two week breather in there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like when Zach Wilson played bad in the week he got benched a week ago, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Zach Wilson hate was at an all time high. And then I feel like Mike White comes in, plays well, the Jets get a win, people ease off on Zach Wilson for a minute. But yeah, it's probably Russ still in terms of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's hard for me to gauge that though, because like my day and timeline is just filled with, you know, bronca stuff. See for me- It feels, even if it wasn't, it feels pretty magnif-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. Assuming he can play well this year, which I just don't know, like coming back from


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've just seen ACL injuries, especially multiple ones. They take a while before a guy's like back to himself. And I just don't know if he can get there this year, but let's say he comes back and he's great right away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think the best fit for him is actually Buffalo because Stefan Diggs is, is great. Uh, Gabe Davis, we've seen him have flashes. Uh, they've used Isaiah McKenzie here and there, but like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If he can come in and be that number two receiver next to digs and reliably, like Josh Allen has another digs he can rely on, then I think he can make the biggest impact there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be fun to watch him with Dallas, but, uh, I'm not sure they need him as much after, I don't know. I was impressed with CD Lamb on Thanksgiving. I was like, he was just making like insane catches. And I think he's on the trajectory to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Take that next step this season. And then also you've seen how much more important Dalton Schultz is in the offense with Dakback. So, uh, either one, but I want to see Von Miller and the Bills win the Super Bowl. So, uh, give me the Bills if he can be good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna, they're gonna give, well the Patriots are playing like good every other week, uhm, so they're due for a good performance, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me the bills. And the bills aren't perfect right now, but, uh, they're gonna slap the piss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam Belichick and his little McCorkle Jones. Little efficient McCorkle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three picks, two picks, one pick, and a fumble.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I dropped, uh, Antonio Brown arrest warrant video about an hour before we started, so check it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, I see a lot of, I didn't know it was going to be all these different, I know urinating tree is always, is on my feet a lot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's different, you have to kind of decipher what he's doing because you have that schtick where you just every single game or


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before the game about the team that you support, you'll say they're going to win. And I don't use those because it's not, it's just, I'm not going to use it like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every game that team loses, I'm gonna have to, like, post something. It's less genuine, more gimmick. You know, it's like one of your things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is fine, but I just won't use that. It doesn't, it doesn't seem as genuine as a take. Like you don't actually believe that, uh, they did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, you knew he was going to make the playoffs this year no matter what.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've never had it where else, but I do get sometimes in my DMs somebody who wants me to delete what they posted. Or delete my post about them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or delete the retweet. I usually do it. Because... You oblige?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well it depends on who it is. Most of the time it's someone who doesn't seem like an asshole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I rarely get it from somebody who dishes it out. So like if a person is like a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The person is very outspoken, they're very quick to criticize, or they're just like, they post things in order to rile up someone else, or rile up a fanbase.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then those people normally are not going to ask me to leave theirs, because they know, uhm, that that would be like very hypocritical, given the way that they act, but, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I tend to shy away from things that people do every time. Now, uh, the, what's it, the host, the, the Vikings PA guy, or the Vikings,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Play-by-play guy has a similar thing. He posts that the Vikings are gonna win every game. And he says that the other team's gonna get killed or something like that. So I, like, I'm gonna...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not gonna do that, Yvonne, because he does it every time. So it's, it's not like it's something that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's what really kind of moved into the second round, but, uh, and, and, and Eastbrook's like, well, that's not going to be scary anymore to be coordinated. But, um, I like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It doesn't matter the timing of it. It has to be like just so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The cockiness and it's just completely off. Completely off, like, uh, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Roger Sherman about Josh Allen said he saw his percentage in college and, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had enough of people tagging me to the tweets where, where players like does


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Does a dance, like a cool dancer dresses good, like comes in wearing a nice outfit on the walk towards the, on the walk to the stadium and they show it and then everyone quote tweets and says,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What happened was I started, you know, like, it was like 2015 or something, and I did it as a counter to like sports media.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I was an attorney at the time, so I was, I was always doing these searches for case law on these things called LexisNexis and Westlaw, the database for cases. And you got to use these specific search terms and you get kind of creative with the term and the dates and everything like that. A lot of the same terms for those searches were


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was working long hours at the time, you know, I was working 10 hours a day, and I think I post like 3 a day, and that's it. What happened was, is that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It started catching on to like local news, local radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Would see it and talk about in their show, I get like 50 followers in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] One, one pocket of time. I realized what happened. Someone said it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Local radio, and it eventually got to where it got like 2,000 followers. And then Sports Illustrated wrote something on it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They contacted me and wrote something about it. It was not in Sports Illustrated magazine, but sportsillustrated.com. And then when it was posted, it was posted like five times by the Sports Illustrated writer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was, it was uhm, you repost the same article five times. That's what like media used to do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by the end, like three days after that article came out, this was like February 2016, I was like from 2000 followers to like 15,000. Wow. It was huge then. 15,000 was like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, so that's, that's really the official time of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Corporate type thing, a lot of promotions, a lot of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Videos of things like just hot take videos, things like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My book, Freezing Cold Takes NFL, it came out in August, I released it in August, it took me two years to write it, so it was, it was a


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, it was kind of like a thing, a project that was for a long time. It took a long time to actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It really is a book just basically, it's like a hodgepodge of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] ill-fated quotes, not just about the backlash, but what was going on at the time. So they're really like stories, just stories of, of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fathers who love football. Like you want to get something for your dad for Christmas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, I've talked to many of, uh, people who just say, oh my god, it's a great pie, remember that from the history of the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Eagles, the Eagles, why did the Eagles win the Super Bowl?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So to oversimplify, are we just tier making all the quarterbacks in the NFL that are currently starting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a really good punishment. A really, really good punishment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Texans were about to punch it in. They were up I think 23-20 or something like that at the time. And then they were forced to kick a field goal instead. And then that just blew it and they allowed the Cowboys to come back. But the Texans had that game. It wasn't like- They were on the goal line again. Yeaah. Yeaah. The Texans had that game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they, they, they were like, oh, wait, wait, wait, we're tanking for the number one overall pick. And then they, they realized what was going on, but a little exposure there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, uh, if you come hard at the Cowboys, you can beat them. And if you're not the Texans.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a little different though, cause the Jaguars are actually good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but the Texans are so bad. They are like intentionally bad. That's the thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really, that should give you a little pause for the playoffs when you think that you let a very bad team hang around with you for 59 minutes. Okay. It wasn't like it was, alright, you took over in the fourth quarter and then you just kneeled at 59 minutes. It was on y'all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I, I get it. You pulled it out. Nobody ever looks at a championship season and says, man, week 12 really had me scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'd be a little worried. I mean, you know, like a team like say Philadelphia or San Francisco gonna be really tough in the playoffs. You gotta worry about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, if they lose this weekend, like, it's done. Like, there's no way they bounce back from that because they got the Eagles one more time. I think they have the Vikings, uh, before the end of the year or something. I forget what the, what's, I just know the Eagles are, are, you know, that's, that's an L based on what just happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That game was bad. That was over from the kickoff. Like that was, look like, look, I've got bags underneath my eyes because I was just so fatigued watching that game, watching the Eagles just run over the Giants. Like it was so tiresome. Like I just, I couldn't, I had to take a nap. It was bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, the Giants are one this weekend away from becoming irrelevant, which I mean, I think when you look at the Giants roster, Joe Shane probably looked at us and said, we don't even have a playoff roster anyways. So it might be more harmful than good, but as a fan, like you want to see your team in the playoffs. You want to get back to that relevance. But Tom, what about the Packers?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I would argue that the Broncos are the most relevant when it comes to online content, because if you just make a video dunking on the Broncos, one out of ten, for sure. Just one out of ten, just watch your channel views.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, that was scary though. That's like legit, that look on his face when he was just sitting there. I think he was talking directly with God because he was just like, wow, the look on his face.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, oh, just, just, like, uh, FTX level stock, like just in the tank, like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if you got paid in churros? Would you accept churros as payment?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I say, I, I debate it. I like how you're trying to repair it now. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, he went from a penny stock to like a value like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, we're only doing active QBs, so like, we have to sub in whoever is there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will say Marcus Mariota is stocked down, like he's just proven over and over again that he's not going to be the guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Then his stock is up just based off of unknown.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So just bring a stock up because you don't know what you're going to get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But by next week, it'll be like crypto. He'll be in the top, in the tank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So put, put Mariota aka Desmond Ritter up to stock up for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. No, he's at, he's at bat. On deaf major waiting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What, what, what do we got now? Another tier?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is weird. They march Gino out of the, uh, QBs. They're racist, okay. But somehow Baker Mayfield is, oh wait, he was a Carolina Panther at that time. What a long season it's been. I will take Lamar Jackson, and his stock is falling, unfortunately. He's very good, he's gonna get paid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're still gonna give him his money, but the last 2-3 weeks have been down for Lamarr. He'll bounce back. Yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we document this? Scooter did not unleash a hot take at 539 on December 15th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is incredible. That is actually a very sensible, logical take right there from Scooter. Very rational take. Yes, rational.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's really hard to look at it and say if they go somewhere else and they just blossom and burn you, like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How, how awful would that be? Like, you'd be happy for them and like, you can look back at that and be like, oh, we didn't mess that up. So what? Lord Taco.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think his, his football IQ is where, you know, say an Eli Manning was. Like Eli did more with his brain than with his arm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Jones is the opposite. He does more with his athleticism than with his head. He makes some bad decisions out there. So anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm, I don't know. He might be just a dark haired Carson Wentz. Anyways, uh, urinating tree. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and he doesn't have to do too much. He doesn't have to throw a ball in the air 50 yards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna go with stock up for Trevor Lawrence.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, his first year doesn't even count because Urban Meyer was his head coach. Urban, yeah, he's also the most improved comeback player of the year and, uh, yeah, stock up for Trevor Lawrence. Looked good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Good against the titans. So stock up for him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, he's carrying that team. You take Joe Burrow off of Cincinnati, they're a one-win team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've got a hot take here, guys. I'm gonna say that Deshaun Watson is stock down.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know that you guys think that, you know, he's an upstanding citizen in the community and everyone likes him. He's had a great track record.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, no, no, no ever off-field incidents with Deshaun Watson ever. So, but his play...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you look at his play speaking for himself, he's been atrocious in his first two games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suck, stock down. And I would sell them, but you can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like an albatross. Like you guaranteed $250 million. Can't, can't, can't do that. So stock down. Stock down. Scooter.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like an old couch that surprisingly didn't smell. Like you picked it up and you're just like, I wonder if this thing's gonna smell. And it actually smelled like it was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I'm about to unleash the hottest take of this. I am gonna sell...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Taylor Heinecke. And the reason why is because no matter what he does,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This, the commanders do not believe in him. He went and led them to a playoff berth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, couple years ago, then they brought in Carson Wentz. And now he's the guy and they don't even, like, Wentz is now active. They haven't really even declared Heinecke as their guy. Like, they've never bought it. Like, I guess they're waiting for him to do it again. And if he goes out and wins, they'll still sell him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they're never going to be like, Hey, guess what? Taylor Heinecke is our guy because the draft was there. There'll be some quarterback in the draft that they think that is better than him. I think it's a quality backup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So. Pornography. Hmm. I just like saying that. I wasn't calling.


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[Assistant] No, you look at him compared to Cooper Rush, of course he's stock up. You took him off, well actually, wasn't Cooper Rush 4-in-1 though?


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[Assistant] Should have kneeled. When they were up 28 to 3, they should have just kneeled. Need to have a ring.


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[Assistant] And this is a guy that was written, like they were selling, like everyone, the entire league.


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[Assistant] Three weeks ago would sell Sam Darnold like, oh, he's done. He's, he's the only thing that he's ever, uh, contracted or done in this league is mono. So, but now he's, he's playing, he could parlay this into a, maybe a starting gig or a solid backup. So I'm saying stock up on Sam Darnold.


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[Assistant] Tell me how he is when those lights are bright.


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[Assistant] But here, just point blank. Does Ryan Tannehill ever win you a Super Bowl?


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[Assistant] And, uh, it's time to do the countdown, but before we get to the countdown, this is my punishment. Is that we have to...


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[Assistant] Hey, I stand behind my first video. My first video is heat. Mine is terrible.


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[Assistant] Look at that. I got $118. Thank you everyone who contributed.


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[Assistant] I did not know coming into when I created the punishment that it would be you, but that's a good one because I think you're I remember watching your first video and I was like, wow, you actually have come along. I would never say that your first video is bad, but.


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[Assistant] Uh, your video was pre- your first- what was your first video? My first video-


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[Assistant] Really? Wow, you started out the gate actually good. You're, you're rare. What about you, Tom? What was your first video?


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[Assistant] Yeah, we can do that too. My video, yeah, my first video.


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[Assistant] Ooh, you know what you should do? Also, is just sort on the lowest views in studio and pick that one, like your lowest viewed video ever.


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[Assistant] Should also be broken down because that could be one that you did a year ago or something, you know, you never know.


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[Assistant] Alright, I got a video on the rubber bowl coming out. The abandoned stadium in Ohio.


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[Assistant] Good afternoon, good night, good evening, good morning to every single one of you out there. This is the NFL Draft Preview with Clickbait Sports.


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[Assistant] I am wearing what looks like a caterpillar. I'll explain what this is in a few minutes. To my left, we got


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[Assistant] We have a man who is going to go all out for this draft and probably flip out when the Packers draft a quarterback with both selections in the first round, Mr. Tom Frickin' Frackin' Grassi! Welcome!


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[Assistant] Two craziness. Scooter Magruder is not with us. He is actually in Las Vegas right now. He's enjoying the high life, interviewing prospects, all the good stuff there, so.


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[Assistant] Oh shit, fuck, cunt, piss. There you go!


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[Assistant] Oh, but I don't know, you kind of heard it, you heard it, you heard it, but in the meantime, you may be asking myself, why am I wearing a Washington commander's hat with, uh, it's, it's nice stitching. Don't get me wrong, but it's still a really weird logo. It looks like a caterpillar is on.


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[Assistant] Well, let's explain this. A couple months ago, I had a punishment to reenact the Hail to the Redskins song as Hail to the Commies for their transformation into the Washington Commanders. Unfortunately, I was waiting on a custom Sean Taylor jersey that I bought from NFL.com. It was got pushed back to late May and then got pushed back to late June.


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[Assistant] So that's why everything got cancelled. I was waiting for that to do that punishment.


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[Assistant] And I know you're all waiting for the AB album review, that's coming. Give it some time. But in the meantime...


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[Assistant] I think we need to hail to the fantastic commies. Brandon, play the vid.


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[Assistant] Was, the question was, you know, Scooter being in Las Vegas, uhm.


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[Assistant] You know, there's a lot of fun things to do in Las Vegas and we asked Scooter if he'd ever been to a strip club.


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[Assistant] And press 2 if you think he's not been to a strip club. So I'll give it 30 seconds.


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[Assistant] Yes, as horrifically bad and flat as the commanders reveal. God rest your eardrums. I'm so sorry.


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[Assistant] Hey, that, that, that seems to happen a good bit, especially against Seattle, Dallas, and Washington.


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[Assistant] That's what your money buys people, is original content. And that garbage.


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[Assistant] Uh, speaking of, uh, original content, I think we have some quizzes to do, Mr. Perna.


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[Assistant] Can we bet on Tom Grosse being drafted as a wide receiver to the Packers?


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[Assistant] Yeah, uh, code clickbait. He had a good combine dude. He had a good combine.


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[Assistant] Who looks cooler in their sunglasses, me or Tom?


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[Assistant] Like Rapaport is like, I haven't slandered anyone after their death.


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[Assistant] He hasn't gotten anything wrong.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Yeaah. Rapport plays it safe and that's the way you gotta do it.


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[Assistant] We don't play anything safe around here. Nope.


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[Assistant] Scooter plays it safe because Subway sent him to the draft. We're here at home.


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[Assistant] Well, that too. Don't get me wrong. There was a subway that literally just shut down right by me. It's sad, but otherwise it's... Because of you?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I probably would. They probably realized that I was going to talk about Subway on the stream and they're like, nope, I do not want that negative publicity. I'm getting the F out of Dodge.


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[Assistant] There's one in Detroit called, it's near the airport called the landing strip.


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[Assistant] Just gonna do last names, do last names. Tyler Murray. Murray. Miles Garrett.


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[Assistant] What? Your typing skills are weak!


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[Assistant] Oh come on, have you ever done a sparkle quiz? Smith. Smith.


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[Assistant] Oh, who is it? Cause he wants to be Mario. Oh, defensive, uh, clowny, clowny. Yeah. Clowny. Clowny. Then it was, uh, Fisher, Eric Fisher. Oh, yeah. Good, good, good, good.


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[Assistant] I wanna say Jake Long was 2008? Yeaah, I think so. What a butt. No, he was alright.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, they're, yeaah, car. I can't see because that's... I can't see it. Yeaah, yeaah. Rams is Orlando Pace. Orlando Pace. That was great pick. Great pick. Nice. Pace. Hallfamer. Keyshawn.


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[Assistant] Just typing Carter. Oh my god! Just typing Carter! Carter! Thank you! Dan Wilkinson? Uh, Dan Wilkinson? Was that it? 1994?


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[Assistant] It's the real one that, uh, Mel Kuyper always flipped out about. And, uh, this one was, um, who is this? Russell Maryland?


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[Assistant] Wow. Nice. Wow. Jeff George. Jeff George is 90. Oh wow. What a waste. Troy Ackman. Ackman? Oh yeaah.


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[Assistant] Did I do a lot of research on this shit? F R I A R?


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[Assistant] Ryall, 82 defensive tackle, uuuh. Emptman? No, that was the Colts.


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[Assistant] Who is this? That's like five seasons. I can't think of the name. I know who it is, but I cheated, so I will re-cheat. I can't think of the name. I can't think of the name.


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[Assistant] I can't think of them. Someone said it in the chat, but I can't. Billy.


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[Assistant] Oh, I know what it is now. Okay, now it's ringing a bell. You cheater.


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[Assistant] It's all in the chat. Cross it out. Yeaah. Yeaah. Just complete it because we're not- What is it? It's Rogers. George Rogers. R-O-G-E-R-S. Ohhh. No.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well that quarterback one will be hard too. Alright. Alright, let's go.


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[Assistant] Eight minutes. Eight minutes for this? Are you crazy? Yea. They are crazy. Okay.


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[Assistant] Oh, how are you gonna spell tuataga by logo? You just type in sua.


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[Assistant] I got it, don't worry. Don't forget Jordan Love. Oh, we got it, hey. Jordan Love, Jordan Love.


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[Assistant] It's Watson. Oh yeaah. Homes. Homes. 16 was Carson Wentz. Yeaah. Goff. Goff. Mariotta. Mariotta. Marcus Mariotto. Winston. Winston.


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[Assistant] No, yeah, Gabbard, uh, Blake Bortles. BORTLES! Blake Bortles! And then E.J. Manuel in the worst class of all time. The worst pick of that draft. This is Old Man Weeden, isn't it? They took the Weeden number. Yes, yes. Broken to Weeden.


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[Assistant] I remember laughing at it because they should have picked a cast draw or reef.


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[Assistant] Who was that Dolphins pick in 2012? Tannahill. Tannahill, dude. Tannahill.


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[Assistant] Yep, RG3. Oh, they recognized RG3. Nice. Andrew Luck.


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[Assistant] Bradford. I think this is Josh Freeman. Josh Freeman, the good one.


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[Assistant] Yeah, he was, he was good for a while, then fell off. And then Mark Sanchez. Sanchez. Sanchez.


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[Assistant] Yep. Vic. Laco. Brady Quinn. Ooh.


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[Assistant] Well, Derek Carr was the second, David Carr was the first, so it would be Carr. So, Derek Carr was the second round. Oh yeaah, we're forgetting DeMarcus Rus- DeMarcus- DeMarcus Russell. Uh, who was the 2006 Broncos, Keith? Cutler Baby! Jay Cutts. Uhm, ooh, the Cardinals. Who did they take?


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[Assistant] Yeah, Linard. Oh my god, I forgot about him. No, it's Linard. L-E-I-N-A-R-T. That's it. E before the I.


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[Assistant] Vince Young. Oh yeaah. And then, uh, Jason Campbell for the, uh, the bills in 2000 was, um, JP Lossman. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Yeah, they reached on this one because all the good quarterbacks were taken. This was Rivers and Big Ben. 1S, 1S. Yeah. And then Big Ben and uh, and Rivers.


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[Assistant] Joey Herring took a good one. Kade McDown. Last one. You made it to 20 seconds. No, no K, no K.


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[Assistant] Now we're getting into the hard ones. Culpepper. Oh yeaah. Oh yeaah, Culpepper. Culpepper. McNabb. McNabb.


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[Assistant] Tim Couch. Yeah, Aikman's on there. Timmy Couch. Ryan Leaf. Ryan Leaf! Yes. Yep. Jim Druckenmiller.


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[Assistant] He was not a first rounder. Yes, he was a first rounder. He was. He was. He got, he was like two years and then got arrested. See after, see before the K.


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[Assistant] DILFER. DILFER. DILFER. 60 seconds.


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[Assistant] Dope angles. David Klingler. Klingler. Klingler. Nice. David Klingler. That's how you do it, man. LA Raiders. Uh, oh shoot. What's his name? What's his name? Todd Marinovich. The lefty. The guy with the fucked up dad.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Kosar, Kosar. Aye, aye, aye. No, uh, this is Dan McGuire. Oh. M-C-D-G-W-I-R-E. No.


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[Assistant] Andre where? Andre where? Was Scott Mitchell a first-rounder? No, he was not. No? Jeff George. Was, uhm, Bears, who was Bears?


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[Assistant] You, you split m- yeaah. What? T-A! T-S- yeaah.


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[Assistant] Test the ver- there we go. Then, uh, Kelly? Marino? Yep.


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[Assistant] Kelly Stofer? Who is Kelly Stofer?


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[Assistant] Oh man, Tree absolutely carried. Jim absolutely. I forgot Stem Everett was a first round pick. Not too bad, fellas. Brandon, how the hell I know that, but.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Jamal Murray being out kind of hurts you. Yeah, it really screwed him.


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[Assistant] I thought he'd come back this year, but I mean, that ACL recovery is taking a while. They have the best named player, Bones Hyland. Oh dude, Bones? He went to my alma mater, by the way.


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[Assistant] Nope. Alright, which quiz are we gonna do now? I like quizzes. Alright. We all like quizzes. Average score is 40%. 151 Pokemon. Bow to me.


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[Assistant] Moreno. No, you just have to say Moreno. Barclay.


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[Assistant] Clyde Edwards, Heller. Get that, get that pop up out of there. Heller. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. Uh-uh.


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[Assistant] Seahawks. Seahawks was Rashad Penny. Oh yea, Penny.


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[Assistant] Yep. Uh, Jaguars is 4-net. Zeke. Elliot.


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[Assistant] Oh yeaah, Spiller. Yes. 2009 running back was uhm. It was 2010 Chargers.


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[Assistant] He's been done since 2001. You already got him. Got him. Sean Alexander.


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[Assistant] Who was 2008 Pittsburgh? That was Rashad Mendenhall.


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[Assistant] The Hall of Cause. Yep. Chris Johnson, CJ2K. Oh yeaah. Uh, what's that? And we actually got two Larry Johnson.


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[Assistant] Who was this other cult's pick?


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[Assistant] We've got Cadillac Williams. Yeah, Carnel Williams. Reggie Bush. Yep. Angela Williams. And from Angela Williams. Oh, the Panthers pick might have been Jonathan Stewart. Ahhhh. There you go.


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[Assistant] Patriots pick was uhm. Who did the Cardinals take in the first run? There's Ron Ricky once. He's already there. Try Wells.


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[Assistant] No, Edger and James was earlier, that was- Oh yeaah, yeaah, yeaah, we suck. Uh... St. Louis Rams with Stephen Jackson.


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[Assistant] Was he? No. No, he was 95. Oh yeah, that was old. That's how old I am. Vikings running. 2010 was William Green. Damn it. No, he was second. William Green.


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[Assistant] Did he go in the first? No, no, he went in like the fourth. No, no, no, I'm wrong. Cedric Benson. Oh, did he pass away? Yes, he did.


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[Assistant] Ronnie Brown, Ronnie Brown. Yes. Oh, Donald, we got it to you, Donald Brown. I would not have gotten that. Who the hell is Donald Brown? Uh, Nathan Smith and see if it hits. We already did that, didn't we? No.


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[Assistant] Brandon Jacobs has to be one, right? Oh, that's the Giants. No, he was later. Nah.


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[Assistant] Ron Dane? Was that Ron Dane? Yes, it was Ron Dane. From the Saints? I've erased Ron Dane from my memory. Or else Ron Dane. I thought he was 99. Uh, Baltimore Ravens. Was Ray Rice a first rounder?


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[Assistant] Nah, may have been, but who was the Ravenspeck in 2000? Uh, Jamal Lewick second.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's why Chris Perry only had like 600 rushing yards in four years. He did nothing.


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[Assistant] That's why I don't know who it is.


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[Assistant] Okay, this is going to be tough. 5 minutes to get 18.


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[Assistant] Play quiz. Let's do it. Woah. Woah. Trent Richardson.


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[Assistant] He was terrible. Art Schlichter, the gambler, gambling man.


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[Assistant] That was Tim Catch. Tim Catch. Timothy Couch. That was Matt Liner.


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[Assistant] Is this some kind of a bust?


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[Assistant] You can look for the one with the keyboard where you have to type it in. It increases the drama.


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[Assistant] I like how Brandon's still typing in the full name.


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[Assistant] Also played for Veronica. I wouldn't have gone that one, Jabal Walker. There you go. Uh, some guy named Kadarius Tony.


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[Assistant] Oh, they got, um, crap. No, they got, uh, oh my god, was it Bateman? I can't think. It was Sean Bateman, yea. Yea, it's Bateman. I forgot that too. He didn't play that much last year.


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[Assistant] Judge Judy. You didn't even spell his name right. Shut up, I can never remember. C.D. Lamb. Yeaah, C.D.'s nuts. Jalen Rager also in here. Oh, Jalen Rager.


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[Assistant] Jefferson. Jefferson. Yes. Brendan Iook. Iook. A-I-Y-U-K.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if you type it in a super chat, we'll put that in there.


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[Assistant] Yep. Panthers was, uhm, E.J. Moore? DJ Moore.


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[Assistant] Then the Falcons was Calvin Ridley. Ridley. Ridley. The Riddler. Titans was DJ Brown.


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[Assistant] Ah, nice. Cory Davis. Oh yeaah, Davis. And then Mike Williams.


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[Assistant] Uh, Andre Johnson, he had to be one, right? Yep, that's Calvin and Andre. Was Hopkins a second? Hopkins was first, right? Yeah, Hopkins was a first-round pick. Yeah. Hodel Beckham. Yep, Beckham.


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[Assistant] Well, Fuller. Fuller, yeaah. Oh, Fuller was at first. Then Redskins was Doxen. D-O-C-T-S-O-N.


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[Assistant] I know. And then it was, uhm, good as names. Elon? No, not Elon.


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[Assistant] Oh wow. And we got a bunch of them. Corey Coleman. He was so bad. Dolphins was, uh, was that Devante Parker? Yea, Devante Parker. Eagles was... Raiders in 2015.


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[Assistant] Good call. In, uh, 2009. Knicks. Yeah. Knicks. No, Knicks.


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[Assistant] Eagles 2015. Oh, uhm, Aguilor. Aguilor. Unlike Aguilor. Then Ravens was, um, shoot. The guy went to Tampa. Perriman. Perriman. Rashad Perriman. T.Y. Hilton? Was that Hilton?


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[Assistant] T.Y. Hilton, yea. No, he was not a first rounder. Reggie Wayne? Yes.


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[Assistant] Oh, that's a, that's a classic right there. Oh, Sammy Watkins! Sammy Watkins!


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[Assistant] Up, San Antonio Homes. Yep, San Antonio Homes. Jackson Heights owns. Bells with Sammy Watkins. We're halfway through, guys. Buccaneers Mike Evans. Ooh, yeah.


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[Assistant] Who was that receiver for the Colts? Philip Dorsett.


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[Assistant] Uh, well the titans took someone out of Rutgers?


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[Assistant] Blackmon. Yea, Justin Blackmon. Blackmon. Rams was Tavon Austin.


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[Assistant] Panthers 2014. Crabtree, yes, a sorry ass receiver.


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[Assistant] Michael James. Eagles was Deshaun Jackson. Deshaun Jackson. D-Jacks. No, we already got him there.


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[Assistant] Uh, was that Larry Fitz? Fitz has gotta be in one of these, right? Fitz is on there in 04. Yeaah. Fitzgerald. We did Calvin Benton. Yeaah, Fitz.


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[Assistant] Nope, nope, and tight end, that's tight end. Oh, my bad, my bad. I just had to bring that up. Uhm, mhm. What about OBJ?


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[Assistant] He's uhm, he's happy. Did you see the picture of his closet? Like he has his own footlocker.


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[Assistant] Wow. Brian Johnson. Brian Johnson. You know, we already have it.


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[Assistant] Who's that Cardinals pick out of Notre Dame? Oh, Larry Fitzgerald? Woods? Uh, we did get Fitz. Jeff Smarja? No, Smarja wasn't a pick.


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[Assistant] Oh, Dez. I didn't even see that one. Um, Raiders was- Oh, Darius Hayward Bay. Darius Hayward Bay. Oh, nice.


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[Assistant] Who's the eagle pick? Rashawn Woods. Williamson. Travis Taylor. Williamson. Minute thirty, boys. Uh, the jazz pick in 2000.


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[Assistant] Because my allergies have acted up. Titans.


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[Assistant] I'm, I'm stucked on this 2009 Titan one. Gardener?


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[Assistant] Jenkins. Name some common names. Michael Jenkins, we got AJ Jenkins, we got both. Robert Meechum. Meechum.


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[Assistant] DJ Meechie Meech. No, with an A.


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[Assistant] No, maybe he's just not there.


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[Assistant] Uhm, first rounder? Uhm, Macklin? No. Jeremy Macklin they're saying? Yea, Macklin, Macklin. That's it, Jeremy Macklin.


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[Assistant] David Terrell, Cullen Robinson, we got, uh, we misspoke. Oh look, there's Meacham. R.J. S. Who is R.J. Sourd? Dear God. Sylvester Morris.


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[Assistant] Kenny Britt, that one we should have got. I don't know how we didn't know Dante Stalwart. We did say Corrin Robinson.


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[Assistant] So, I'm not countin', we were good there. We were good. Yeaah. I wasn't as strong on the wide outs.


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[Assistant] Uh, just, uh, there you go, Zion Johnson apparently is a huge fan of urinating tree. Really? How?


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[Assistant] Oh jeez. Nice. Well, he's been watching us as well. Well, Zion Johnson, you move up to number one on the clickbait draft board. Zion Johnson, I hope you don't go to the Cowboys.


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[Assistant] Oh, we don't really go after linemen. I always respect linemen. I always respect linemen. We love linemen.


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[Assistant] That's uh, listen, okay, before we wrap up, it's been an hour.


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[Assistant] Uh, Hooty, well you guys, none of y'all have first round picks, do you? I have first round pick. I have two.


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[Assistant] Oh, who do y'all want in this draft before we go?


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[Assistant] Good people. No, you're going to draft the quarterback and you're going to draft the punter. That's it. Done. We're going to get the punt god. Mataraza. And Cameron Dicker, the kicker. Dicker the kicker.


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[Assistant] I can see that. I mean if like a Garrett Wilson, Jameson Williams, or even like uhm.


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[Assistant] I know they talked about wanting to go up. They also could trade back too, so. The Steelers might trade up with them, them and the Vikings.


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[Assistant] No, it's like a quarterback. I feel like Willis Falls or something like that. I can see them trade up or Jordan Davis. Who goes number one overall?


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[Assistant] Yeah, like him, Jermaine Jackson, he's going, or he's going up.


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[Assistant] Uhm, Malik Willis went up a hot minute. Kyle Hamilton's falling hard. Debo might get traded tonight.


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[Assistant] Yep, to the Jets, the Jets, Jets, Jets. I think they have a big offer for like, I think a first, a second and a third and maybe a next year's first too. I'm going to set the over under on trades at five tonight. I think there's going to be a lot.


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[Assistant] Yes, dude, I would love that. Improv at its finest. Thank you.


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[Assistant] Thank you. Beautiful. Fantastic. A lot better than Hail to the Commies.


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[Assistant] Oh, Jeremy, no, that's damn it. Jeremy, that's up to me. No. I got 86.94. Alright, well, it's between me and Grossy. Yep. That's a dramatic trouble.


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[Assistant] That hundo might have killed me. 26765.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. What should Tommy do for his punishment? Damn it. What should he do? It's a three dollar difference. Hey, I'll take it.


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[Assistant] I think Tom should go have to buy like a bunch of Subway and eat it.


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[Assistant] Come on, let's think of a good punishment here. I would say it's more draft-dependent.


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[Assistant] How about Vikings Apparel? Vikings Apparel is actually on that.


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[Assistant] Next week? Uh, May 4th, uh, Monday. They start Monday.


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[Assistant] You can do an older game too, if need be. He should watch a current playoff game and just report, do like a mini book report on the sport of hockey.


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[Assistant] Where are you guys gonna stream the draft tonight? All of our channels.


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[Assistant] Can't have a loser like that on your team in Milwaukee. Send him here to Denver.


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[Assistant] Baltimore was just like, yo, Baltimore, give me one of those, give me one of those contracts with a little more and we got money.


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[Assistant] Go on, because Tom and I talked about this the other day when we were doing one of our mock drafts and we wanted to know


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[Assistant] What would happen if the Dallas Cowboys traded up?


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[Assistant] And drafted Anthony Richardson. What would happen to you?


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[Assistant] But you just got a guy and he's the most exciting player in this draft. What if your team alienates Dak and takes Richardson? What would that do to your soul?


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[Assistant] I think like the cardinals, it's looking more like they're gonna take offensive line, right? We kept thinking it would be edge or defensive line, but now...


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[Assistant] So maybe they're the first team to actually trade out of that spot because they can probably get him just a little bit later down the board, but they need a.


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[Assistant] They need a QB needy team to want to jump there and if the Texans don't take a quarterback at two, then the Cardinals are prime real estate in the draft. They hold incredible value sitting there at three for whatever team wants to jump up and take, uh, you know, whoever.


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[Assistant] They value, that is not Bryce Young, but what if the Carolina Panthers just send in their draft, draft slip and draft two players at number one?


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[Assistant] There you go. Why would you- ooooh.


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[Assistant] That one confuses me, but it's probably my favorite one.


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[Assistant] I'm not afraid, I'm in shape, you know. Next one, we photoshopped celebrities' heads on your body. Oooooh.


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[Assistant] She thought it was hilarious. She also found out last night, we were sitting on the couch, uh, kind of winding down with Carm and, uh, she was on Twitter and she found out that I had Twitter blue and she was like,


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[Assistant] So this is what happened, right? I had to watch the Tom Brady hour long AI special.


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[Assistant] It was on Dude Z's Patreon. Uhm, luckily I downloaded that cause he had to take it down. Uh, but it is on YouTube.


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[Assistant] So, the punishment was to watch that and then I had to perform some of my favorite bits from the stand-up routine. Tell me a joke, clown!


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[Assistant] Yeah, so a couple things about this stand-up thing, alright? First off, we're all screwed. We're 100% screwed because...


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[Assistant] Once I started watching it, I found myself just genuinely enjoying it. Because there's this weird thing where after you kinda get used to the way it sounds, like it sounds like Tom Brady,


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[Assistant] There's gonna be some swear words in here, Scoot, cause I gotta do it verbatim. Uh, I took out...


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[Assistant] So I'm gonna read through it. It's just verbatim, but you gotta, you gotta imagine this Tom Brady doing this stand-up thing. Me doing Tom, AI Tom Brady. It's a little weird, but then Brady threatened to sue the guy who made it. So that's why I had to come down.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, so that's like another thing like, cause we played some of those clips and it seemed like there was these like weird randomly generated AI clips.


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[Assistant] Like a Brady and Guy Fieri and like Brady is a vampire and like all this stuff, but every image is actually something from the entire standup special. Like he talks about all of that, all of those different things.


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[Assistant] So like you'll see one with Gronk on a toilet, like he's talking about Gronk on a toilet.


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[Assistant] I'm scared of doing the AI disservice because I thought this was actually pretty funny. Lightning in 7. Okay, remember I'm Tom Brady. Not if I keep choking.


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[Assistant] I constantly, uh, get asked how I was so good at football for so long.


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[Assistant] The answer is pretty simple, really. It boils down to one thing. Karate.


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[Assistant] That's correct, I'm talking about the ancient Japanese martial arts system.


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[Assistant] I couldn't let anyone know while I was playing, but now that I'm retired I can reveal that I'm a 10th degree black belt in a Shotokan karate.


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[Assistant] And I would use my karate expertise to deliver short, powerful, and obviously illegal strikes to opposing players' weak points in every game. Somebody busts through the line.


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[Assistant] Uh, like they're going to sack me. Chop to the head. A linebacker coming right at me. Chop to the head. One of my own players popping off on the sideline. Blaming everyone else for their fuck up. Chop to the head. I was so fast with my chops that refs never saw them. Never got flagged for it once. I remember being in a meeting with Bill Belichick. Just me and him and his offense.


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[Assistant] In his office, he's trying to lay some bullshit at my feet about how I made the wrong call in the fourth quarter in a meaningless regular season game. And he was right. That time it was a hundred percent my fault.


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[Assistant] Didn't care. Didn't want to listen to his bullshit. Gave him a chop to the head. Belichick went down like a ton of bricks. He woke up the next morning. Didn't even remember the meeting.


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[Assistant] Now I know what you're thinking, Tom, did those head chops result in any permanent damage? The short answer is I think so. I wouldn't be surprised if I'm responsible for most of, if not all of the CTE currently in the NFL.


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[Assistant] That's good. Music's a big thing now. I used to like music, but now there's too much, too many kinds.


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[Assistant] When I was a kid, you had country, pop, rock, and hip hop, and that was it. That was fine, that's all we needed. Now we got Chillwave, New Trance, and Dubstep, and Acid House, and I don't even know what else. I wanted to listen to a bunch of annoying bullshit I'd reconcile with my ex-wife.


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[Assistant] Show of hands, who's been catfished? Okay, quite a few. Now show of hands, who has catfished someone? Come on, be honest, we're all family here, no judgement. Hell, I get it. I catfished someone. It was last year. I wasn't in a great place. I wanted to feel good about myself.


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[Assistant] So I made up a fake identity and I actually catfished someone I already knew. I told the Tampa Bay Buccaneers I was the same Tom Brady that won seven Super Bowls. Never gets old. You know what I'm saying Bucs fans?


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[Assistant] A while, oh god, this is, this is probably my favorite one.


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[Assistant] A while back a video came out, uh, showing me kissing my son on the lips. Everybody was outraged. People were calling it child abuse. People were saying I was depraved, calling it incestuous. I got death threats because of it. Can you imagine what would have happened if I kissed him on the butthole?


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[Assistant] Just kidding, nobody would ever see that video because I would keep it in the vault. This shit is too damn easy.


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[Assistant] Yeah, don't worry Scooter, I removed the really vulgar ones.


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[Assistant] My kids are always telling me about things that trigger them. That's the new thing, getting triggered.


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[Assistant] It's like a little thing that you can see or hear that will raise your anxiety or remind you of some past trauma.


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[Assistant] And people want you to give them a warning now if you're going to do something or say something that might trigger them. This is called a trigger warning. You know who didn't get a trigger warning? Abraham Lincoln.


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[Assistant] Uh, he was talking about some other stuff, and then kinda segues into this, but it was way too long. And then this joke actually went on a lot longer than this, but uh,


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[Assistant] Anyway, the Mesopotamians, uh, they did invent something that's still around today.


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[Assistant] And it's just as important as it ever was. You know what I'm talking about? That green, that lettuce, that cabbage, that celery, that salad.


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[Assistant] That cheddar, that gouda, that bacon, that bread, that dough, that cream, that cake.


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[Assistant] That rack, that stack, that scratch, that fin, that Franklin, that frog skin, that gelp, that shekel, that ducket, that mula, that simoleon.


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[Assistant] That capital, that guap, that guala, that chalupa, that smacker, that tinder, that lute, that lucre, that grease, that nugget, that paper, that wad, that clam, that dove, that fetty, that scrilla.


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[Assistant] That resource, that dosh, that quid, that wonga, that yaper, that bean, that bingy, that bone, that bootle, that brass, that buck, I'm talking about money.


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[Assistant] That's my- Can I get a Tom Bomb? Yes you can. BOOM!


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[Assistant] Have you guys noticed prices for things, uh, are going up? Me neither. That was just a nice little one-liner he had in there. And then this is the last one. Okay.


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[Assistant] I saw, I saw this thing where somebody used an AI to make a perpetual episode of Seinfeld.


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[Assistant] You heard me correctly, an episode of Seinfeld that never ends.