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[Assistant] They stretched as far as she could see under the forest canopy, and every one of them seemed to be cheering. Scroops canineers, loudest of all.


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[Assistant] Here at the bottom of the valley there were three or four hours of the day around when the sun dipped behind the high north wall.


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[Assistant] It didn't much feel like night or even twilight. The smoke from the fires to the north seemed to be getting worse. She could smell it now.


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[Assistant] Joanna walked back from the cannoneer's section toward the center of the camp and woodcarver's tent. It was quiet.


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[Assistant] She could hear little creatures scritching in the root bushes. The celebrating might have gone on longer, except that everyone knew that in another few hours they would be preparing for the climb up the valley's north wall.


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[Assistant] So now there was only occasional laughter, an occasional pack walking about. Joanna walked barefoot, her shoes slung over her shoulders.


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[Assistant] Even in the dry weather, the moss was wonderfully soft between her toes.


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[Assistant] Above her, the forest canopy was shifting green and patches of hazy sky. She could almost forget what had gone before and what lay ahead.


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[Assistant] The guards around Woodcarver's tent didn't challenge her. Just called softly ahead. After all, there weren't that many humans running around. The Queen stuck out ahead. Come inside, Joanna.


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[Assistant] Inside she was sitting in her usual circle, the puppies protected in the middle. It was quite dark, the only light being what came through the entrance.


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[Assistant] Joanna flopped down on the pillows where she usually slept. Ever since this afternoon.


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[Assistant] The big award thing. She had been planning to give Woodcarver a piece of her mind. Now...


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[Assistant] Well, the party at the canineers had been a happy thing. It seemed kind of a shame to break the mood.


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[Assistant] Woodcarver cocked a head at her. Simultaneously the two puppies duplicated the gesture.


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[Assistant] If none of this had happened, if she was still back at the Hylab or Strombly Realm,


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[Assistant] Would she be sneaking out with friends to try such forbidden things? Probably.


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[Assistant] Yet here, where she was entirely on her own, where she was currently a big hero, she hadn't tried a drop. Maybe it was because Mom and Dad weren't here, and following their wishes seemed to keep them closer. She felt tears coming to her eyes. Hmm. Woodcarver didn't seem to notice. That's what Pilgrim said was the reason. She tapped at her puppies and smiled.


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[Assistant] I guess it makes sense. These two don't get beer till they're older. Though I know they got some second hand partying from me tonight. There was a hint of beer breath in the tent.


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[Assistant] Joanna wiped roughly at her face. She really did not want to talk about being a teenager just now. You know...


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[Assistant] That was kind of a mean trick you pulled on screwpull all this afternoon.


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[Assistant] I, yes, I talked to him about it beforehand. He didn't want it, but I thought he was just being...


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[Assistant] Is stiff-necked the word? If I had known how upset he was, well...


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[Assistant] He practically fell apart out there in front of everybody. If I understand how things work, that would have been his disgrace, right?


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[Assistant] Yes, exchanging honor for loyalty in front of peers, it's an important thing. At least the way I run things.


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[Assistant] I'm sure a pilgrim or data set can say a dozen other ways to lead.


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[Assistant] Look, Joanna, I needed that exchange, and I needed you and Scrupulo to be there.


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[Assistant] Her voice was suddenly edged, and Joanna remembered that this was a medieval queen.


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[Assistant] We are 200 miles north of my borders, almost to the heart of the flencer domain.


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[Assistant] In a few days we will meet the enemy and many more of us will die for we know not quite what. The bottom dropped out of Joanna's stomach. If she couldn't get back to the ship, couldn't finish what mom and dad had started, please woodcarver, it is worth it.


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[Assistant] I know that. Pilgrim knows it. The majority of my council agrees, though grudgingly. But we of the council have talked with Dataset. We've seen your worlds and what your science can do.


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[Assistant] On the other hand, most of my people here, she waved ahead at the camp beyond the tent, are here on faith and out of loyalty to me.


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[Assistant] For them, the situation is deadly and the goal is vague.


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[Assistant] She paused, though her two pups continued gesturing forcefully for a second.


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[Assistant] Now, I don't know how you would persuade your kind to take such risks. Data set talks of military conscription.


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[Assistant] That was Nijora long ago. Nevermind. The point is, my troops are here out of loyalty, mostly to me personally. For 600 years I have protected my people well.


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[Assistant] If not us, perhaps someone else, Joanna said in a small voice. Perhaps. I don't think anyone else came close to firing on the nest.


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[Assistant] You see the effect on my people? If bad luck in the forest can kill our queen and destroy our marvelous weapons, what will it be like when we face a thinking enemy?


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[Assistant] That was the question in many minds. Unless I could answer it, we'd never make it out of this valley. At least not going northward.


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[Assistant] You missed the sense of it, not understanding Tynish. I made a big thing of how well they had done. I gave silver wood accolades to pacts who showed any competence in the ambush. That helped some.


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[Assistant] I repeated my reasons for this expedition. The wonders the data set describes and how much we will lose if Steel gets his way.


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[Assistant] But they've heard that argument before, and it points to far away things they can scarcely imagine. The new thing I showed them today was you and Scrupulo.


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[Assistant] Singleton's often do brave things. Sometimes they are halfway clever. Or, talk as though they are. But alone, Scrupulo's fragment wouldn't be much more than a good knife fighter. He knew about using the cannon, but he didn't have the paws or mouths to do anything with it. And by himself, he would never have figured out where to shoot it.


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[Assistant] You, on the other hand, are a two-legs. In many ways you are helpless. The only way you can think is by yourself. But you can do it without interfering with those around you. Together you did what no pack could do in the middle of a wolf-nest attack.


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[Assistant] But things turned out okay. Once he was able to get out there and accept his medal, she fingered the brooch that was pinned to her own collar. It was a beautiful thing, a landscape of woodcarver's city.


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[Assistant] Once he'd done that, he was totally changed. You should have seen him with the canineers afterwards. They did their own loyalty honor thing, and then they drank a lot of beer. Scrupulo was telling them all about what we were doing. He even had me help demonstrate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You really think the army bought what you said about humans and tines? I think so.


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[Assistant] In my own language, I can be very eloquent. I've bred myself to be.


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[Assistant] It may even be true. Pilgrim is sure of it.


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[Assistant] You can sleep in the same tent with me and still think. That's something that he and I can't do.


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[Assistant] In our own ways we've each lived a long time and I think we are each at least as smart as the humans and other creatures that Dataset talks about in the Beyond. But you singleton creatures can stand next to each other and think and build


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Compared to us, I'll bet Singleton races develop the sciences very fast. But now, with your help, maybe things will change fast for us too.


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[Assistant] The two puppies retreated and Woodcarver lowered heads to pause. That's what I told my people anyway. You should try to get some sleep now.


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[Assistant] She went and slipped off her outer clothes. She lay down and dragged a light quilt across herself.


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[Assistant] Most of Woodcarver already looked asleep. As usual, one or two pairs of eyes were open. But their intelligence would be limited. And just now, even they looked tired.


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[Assistant] Funny, Woodcarver had worked with data sets so much, her human voice had come to capture emotion as well as pronunciation. Just now, she had sounded so tired, so sad.


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[Assistant] She went and reached out from under her quilt to brush the neck of woodcarver's nearest, the blind one. Do you believe what you told everyone? She said softly.


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[Assistant] For six hundred years I have had proper confidence in myself. But what happened on the south wall should not have happened. It would not.


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[Assistant] If I had followed Vendatious's advice and come down on the new road.


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[Assistant] But, we might have been seen. Yes, a failure either way, don't you see?


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[Assistant] Vendacious has precise information from the highest councils of the flancer, but...


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[Assistant] He's something of a careless fool in everyday matters. I knew that and thought I could compensate.


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[Assistant] The wolf nest could never have settled by it if there had been any traffic during the last few years.


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[Assistant] If Vendatius had managed his patrols properly, or if I had been managing him properly, we would never have been surprised. Instead, we were nearly overrun.


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[Assistant] And my only remaining talent appears to be in fooling those who trust me into thinking I still know what I'm doing.


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[Assistant] Anyway, I believe what I said about things that could be.


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[Assistant] But I fear that my soul may not be strong enough to make them so.


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[Assistant] Perhaps I should turn things over to Pilgrim or Vendacious. That's something I must think on.


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[Assistant] I don't know what it would do to her. How will she respond?


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[Assistant] Mrs. Linton, a man from Gimmerton wishes to speak to you.


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[Assistant] I don't know, madam. Well, close the curtains, Ellen.


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[Assistant] And please bring in the tea. I'll be back again in a moment.


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[Assistant] But please be friends now. For me. Should I tell him to come upstairs?


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[Assistant] Oh, how could you stay away from me for so many years? Did you ever think of me?


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[Assistant] The eager questions of my three little sisters had had an effect on my father and mother. Papa said,


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[Assistant] Billy, I don't want you to feel badly about the people in town. I don't think they were poking fun at you. Anyway, not like you think they were. Maybe they weren't, I said, but I still don't want to ever live in town. It's too crowded, and you couldn't get a breath of fresh air. In a sober voice my father said, Someday you may have to live in town.


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[Assistant] Your mother and I don't intend to live in these hills all our lives. It's no place to raise a family. Man's children should have an education. They should get out and see the world and meet people.


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[Assistant] I don't see why we have to move to town to get an education. I said, hasn't mama taught us how to read and write?


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[Assistant] There's more to an education than just reading and writing, Papa said. Much more. I asked him when he thought we'd be moving to town.


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[Assistant] Well, it'll be some time yet, he said. We don't have the money now, but I'm hoping some day we will.


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[Assistant] From the stove where she was heating salt water for my feet, Mama said in a low voice,


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[Assistant] I pray every day and night for that day to come. I don't want you children to grow up without an education, not even knowing what a bottle of soda pop is, or ever seeing the inside of a schoolhouse. I don't think I could stand that.


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[Assistant] Again I had to answer a thousand questions for my sisters. I told them it was made of red brick and was bigger than Grandpa's store, a lot bigger. There must have been at least a thousand kids going to school there.


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[Assistant] I told all about the teeter totters, the swings made out of log chains, the funny looking pipe that ran up the side of the building and how I had climbed up in it and slid out like the other kids. I didn't tell them how I came out.


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[Assistant] I think that was a fire escape, Papa said. Fire escape, I said. Looked like a slide to me.


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[Assistant] Did you notice where it made that bend up at the top, he asked. I nodded my head. Well, inside the school there's a door, he said. If the school gets on fire, they open the door. The children jump in the pipe and slide out to safety. Boy, that's a keen way of getting out of a fire, I said.


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[Assistant] Well, it's getting late, Papa said. We'll talk about this some other time. We better get to bed, as we have a lot of work to do tomorrow.


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[Assistant] My pups were put in the corn crib for the night. I covered them with shucks and kissed them goodnight.


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[Assistant] The next day was a busy one for me. With the hampering help of my sisters, I made the little dog house.


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[Assistant] Papa cut the ends off his check lines and gave them to me for collars. With pains taking care, deep in the tough leather, I scratched the name Old Dan on one and Little Anne on the other.


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[Assistant] Do you believe God heard your prayer and helped you? Yes mama, I said. I know he did. And I'll always be thankful.


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[Assistant] The jet was coming into land when there was a collision with a coast guard plane. Five people on board the smaller craft died.


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[Assistant] Okay, now we're gonna look at a for each loop.


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[Assistant] And a for each loop can best be explained by looking at some code. So let me write a new sub procedure here.


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[Assistant] And what I'm going to do is bring up the for next loop, the very simple example.


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[Assistant] And just remind you of what this does.


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[Assistant] The four next loop, remember, it loops over a range of numbers.


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[Assistant] And it starts at whatever number you initialize it, like i is equal to one.


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[Assistant] Uh, just an alteration of this. Instead of looping over numbers, now we're gonna loop over a collection of objects. And you remember what objects are. I'm sure you do because we spent a lot of time on it.


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[Assistant] Here's what a for each loop looks like. It looks like this for each, you know, object in collection. So collection of objects.


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[Assistant] Uh, way of understanding what a foreach, uh, a foreach loop does. You have a collection of objects, and I'll talk about that in a second, and all you're doing is, for each object in that collection of objects, you are going to loop over that, and after you do something with


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[Assistant] In a variables video that we could declare variables like dim, x as int. You can also, or x as integer.


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[Assistant] You can also declare variables to


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[Assistant] You are going to work with an actual object, a worksheet. And when I say worksheet, I mean, here's, here's what you're going to be working with this worksheet or this worksheet. In fact,


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[Assistant] This workbook contains a collection of worksheets, and there's six of them. One, two, three, four, five, six. There's a collection of six worksheets in this workbook.


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[Assistant] And we can loop over them using this for each loop.


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[Assistant] By making our object that we're gonna...


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[Assistant] Uh, the object that we're gonna look into the collection, not look into the collection, but the object that we're going to


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, be working with is a worksheet object. So there's our worksheet object. And then the collection of objects is going to be worksheets. And this is, uh, this worksheets is the collection of worksheets in the workbook. And then this next, instead of having just a generic object, it has to be something that you know that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It has to be the same as this object here, so uhm.


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[Assistant] What we're basically doing here is here's a collection of worksheets and we can loop through the collection.


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[Assistant] And, and do something like for each worksheet in this collection of worksheets we can do stuff with. We can work with this worksheet object.


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[Assistant] So, in our case, this worksheet collection has six worksheet objects, and each time through the loop, this ws worksheet object is gonna be, is gonna be, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's going to be different. The first time through the loop, it's going to be this worksheet here. If, and then the next time through the loop, it'll be this one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the next time to loop it'll be this one. So we can do things like loop over all the worksheets and do stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] With that. And the for next, the for each loop is pretty straight forward. Uh, you, it's, you just write the words for each, which are keywords. Then you put, as we've seen, uh, the object that you're working with, whatever object it is, uh, we declared a worksheet object up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you put the keyword in, and then the collection you're going to loop through.


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[Assistant] And then to end the forEach loop, you put next and then the name of the object you're working with.


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[Assistant] And then you can do things like this. So for each worksheet, let's, uh, select it and let's put a message box, uh, ws.name.


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[Assistant] What we're going to see here is that we're going to loop through all these worksheets.


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[Assistant] And select them and then a message box will pop up with


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[Assistant] The name of the worksheet. And remember, since a worksheet is an object, we can use the dot operator, access its properties, all that stuff that we already know. And here's


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's all kinds of stuff, right? So we just want to focus on the name for the simple example. So when I run this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get if in a message box and the if worksheet is selected, then I click okay and I get goodbye. The goodbye worksheet is selected and I get goodbye in a message box.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I get sheet five is selected, sheet five is in the message box and so on. Right? Loops. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It did exactly what we thought it would do. It looped over the collection of worksheet objects and were able to access


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Things about that worksheet object. But the really cool part is that each time through the loop you're working with


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Different worksheets. The first time I'm working with this worksheet, then I'm working with this worksheet. So you can...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you want to loop through all the worksheets and like check stuff or perform actions, you could do something like if, only show the message box if ws.name is equal to loops.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorta, I can sort of loop through every single worksheet and do certain code. I can check


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I'm on the loops tab, I want to do this. Or if I'm on the goodbye tab, I want to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we could do that with the conditional statements. You could use if, if else's and else if's and all that stuff. So let's run this now. And now we should only get one message box, even though it's going to loop through all six of them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't name it. I didn't put this in here properly. Notice the worksheet is a capital L and I had a small L. So let me run that again. And there it is. We get a message box with loops in it because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When we loop through the collection of worksheets, we only want to show a message box when the name of the worksheet, ws, is equal to, uh, loops. ws.names is equal to loop. ws.name. So this is pretty useful stuff because now you can loop through worksheets, uh, you can loop through, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cells, I'm gonna put a, uh, we're gonna do a video where we loop through a range of cells. So you select a range and we loop over that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and there's just a ton of different things you can do with this.


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[Assistant] But it makes, it makes you get more control over your workbook. You know, we saw in earlier videos how you can control the worksheet by


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maneuvering down rows across columns or down diagonally or, or finding the last row.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now you can move across worksheets. You can loop through all the worksheets and do stuff. Uh, so, that's it for this video. In the next video,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if you thought this was interesting, going from worksheet to worksheet, going through the cells is probably a bit more interesting. So onto the next video.


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[Assistant] When we wrote Hostage because we had written only a couple songs before that and


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[Assistant] Who is that? She was like, Tyler, the creator. Your profile picture is literally him, and I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was true. I had Tyler, the creator, as my profile picture before I even knew who he was. Cause I just thought it was a cool picture. So she was, she was disappointed in that. And then she played me to Molly, which was kind of like, he, it was huge at the time.


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[Assistant] I had my phone, my iPod plugged into this little like charging speaker alarm thing and it was on shuffle because growing up like my brother always would get music and then it would be in my library so that I'd hear something I liked and it was just because my brother liked it years ago. And so I just put everything on shuffle and I found this song.


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[Assistant] Played the song and I just was like in awe. I felt like I was introduced to a new world. It was a crazy, crazy moment. I remember thinking like, where have I been? This has been out there and I've just been sitting here.


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[Assistant] A thousand. Which now is like, an ant. But then it was, like, it's still a lot of people. It's just, it's funny now how different it is relative to things now. But then it was like, he called me to tell me. Cause it was such a big deal and I remember being like,


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[Assistant] Thirteenth time has just begun, so no clue when I started at all. At all, at all, at all.


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[Assistant] Well, technically that's not legal, but I just drove around the block so don't worry about it. That was the first time I drove it alone. Before my license. Whoops.


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[Assistant] Your lips pressed to my neck. I'm falling for your eyes. But they don't know me yet. I'm with this feeling I'll forget.


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[Assistant] Look son, you have to make up your own mind on this.


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[Assistant] However, I think it is a very important decision for you. Finally, after sitting with it for a week,


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[Assistant] The boy turned in the same paper making no changes at all.


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[Assistant] You can keep the F, and I'll keep my dream.


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[Assistant] I tell you this story because you are sitting in my 4000 square foot house in the middle of my 200 acre horse ranch.


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[Assistant] Two summers ago, that same school teacher brought 30 kids to camp out on my ranch for a week. When the teacher was leaving, he said, Look, Monty, I can tell you this now.


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[Assistant] When I was a teacher, I was something of a dream stealer.


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[Assistant] During those years, I stole a lot of kids' dreams.


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[Assistant] Fortunately, you had enough gumption to not give up on yours. Don't let anyone steal your dreams. Follow your heart no matter what.


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[Assistant] In our other videos, and as always, there'll be links below if you want to check those out, we showed you how to initialize and fine tune a transformer model in TensorFlow.


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[Assistant] So the question now is, what can we do with a model after we train it?


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[Assistant] The obvious thing to try is to use it to get predictions for new data. So let's see how to do that.


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[Assistant] Again, if you're familiar with Keras, the good news is that because these are just standard Keras models, we can use the standard Keras predict method, as shown here.


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[Assistant] Like you'd get from a tokenizer, and you get your results.


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[Assistant] Our models can output several different things, depending on the options you set. But most of the time, the thing you want is the output logits.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you haven't come across them before, logits, sometimes pronounced logits because no one's sure, are the outputs of the last layer of the network, because before a softmax has been applied. So if you want to turn the logits into the model's probability outputs, you just apply a softmax, like so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What if we want, but what if we want to turn those probabilities into class predictions? Again, it's very straightforward. We just pick the biggest probability for each output and you can get that immediately with the argmax function.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Argmax will return the index of the largest probability in each row, which means that we'll get a vector of integers. So zero if the largest, uh, probability was in the zeroth position, one in the first position, and so on. So these are our class predictions, indicating class zero, class one, and so on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In fact, if class predictions are all you want, you can skip the softmax step entirely, because the largest logit will always be the largest probability as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, if probabilities and class predictions are all you want, then you've seen everything you need at this point. But if you're interested in benchmarking your model, or using it for research, you might want to delve deeper into the results you get. And one way to do that is to compute some metrics for the model's predictions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you're following along with our datasets and fine-tuning videos, we got our data from the MRPC dataset, which is part of the blue benchmark.


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[Assistant] For the MRPC dataset, the built-in metrics are accuracy, which just measures the percentage of time the model's prediction was correct, and the F1 score, which is a slightly more complex measure that measures how well the model trades off precision and recall.


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[Assistant] To compute those metrics to benchmark our model, we just pass them the model's predictions and the ground truth labels and we get our results in a straightforward Python dict. If you're familiar with Keras though,


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[Assistant] You might notice that this is a slightly weird way to compute metrics, because we're only computing metrics at the very end of training, but in Keras you have this built-in ability to compute a wide range of metrics on the fly while you're training, which gives you a very useful insight into how training is going.


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[Assistant] So if you want to use built-in metrics, it's very straightforward. And you use the standard Keras approach again. You just pass a metric argument to the compile method.


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[Assistant] As with things like loss and optimizer, you can specify the metrics you want by string, or you can import the actual metric objects and pass specific arguments to them. But note that unlike loss and accuracy, you have to supply metrics as a list, even if there's only one metric you want.


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[Assistant] Once a model has been compiled with a metric, it will report that metric for training, validation and predictions.


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[Assistant] Assuming there are labels passed to the predictions. You can even write your own metric classes. Although this is a bit beyond the scope of this course, I'll link to the relevant TF docs below because it can be very handy if you want a metric that isn't supported by default in Keras, such as the F1 score.


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[Assistant] When she smiles, her full lips look as if she's pouting. We went to a movie and then to dinner.


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[Assistant] All I could think about was her soft skin just inches away. Then I saw two rows ahead of us, a young man with his arm around his girl, and I wanted to put my arm around Miss Kinian. Terrifying. But if I did it slowly, first resting my arm on the back of her seat, moving up inch by inch to rest near her shoulders and the back of her neck, casually, I didn't dare.


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[Assistant] So painful, that I forced myself to take my mind off her.


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[Assistant] The first picture had been a war film, and all I caught was the ending where the GI goes back to Europe to marry the woman who saved his life. The second picture interested me.


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[Assistant] A psychological film about a man and a woman apparently in love but actually destroying each other.


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[Assistant] The sudden memory shows him that his hatred is really directed at a depraved governess who had terrified him with frightening stories and left a flaw in his personality.


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[Assistant] Excited at discovering this he cries out with joy so that his wife awakens.


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[Assistant] He takes her in his arms and the implication is that all his problems have been solved. It was Pat and cheap.


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[Assistant] And I must have shown my anger, because Alice wanted to know what was wrong.


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[Assistant] It's a lie, I explained as we walked out into the lobby. Things just don't happen that way. Of course not, she laughed. It's a world of make believe. Oh no, that's no answer, I insisted. Even in the world of make believe, there have to be rules. The parts have to be consistent and belong together. This kind of picture is a lie.


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[Assistant] Things are forced to fit because the writer or the director or somebody wanted something in that didn't belong. And it doesn't feel right.


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[Assistant] She looked at me thoughtfully as we walked out into the bright dazzling night lights of Times Square. You're coming along fast. I'm confused. I don't know what I know anymore. Never mind that, she insisted. You're beginning to see and understand things.


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[Assistant] Do you know that when I see them in a flash of memory or in a dream, the faces are a blur? I want to see their expressions. I can't understand what's going on unless I can see their faces. Charlie, calm down. People were turning to stare.


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[Assistant] She slipped her arm through mine and pulled me close to restrain me.


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[Assistant] Don't forget you're accomplishing in weeks what takes others a lifetime. You're a giant sponge soaking in knowledge.


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[Assistant] All the levels, Charlie, like steps on a giant ladder.


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[Assistant] As we entered the cafeteria on 45th street and picked up our trays, she spoke animatedly. Ordinary people, she said, can see only a little bit. They can't change much or go any higher than they are. But you're a genius.


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[Assistant] People on the line who heard her turn to stare at me and only when I nudged her to stop did she lower her voice. I just hope to God, she whispered, that you don't get hurt.


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[Assistant] We ordered our food at the counter and carried it to our table and ate without talking. The silence made me nervous. I knew what she meant about her fear, so I joked about it. Why should I get hurt? I couldn't be any worse off than I was before. Even Algernon is still smart, isn't he? As long as he's up there, I'm in good shape.


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[Assistant] She toyed with her knife, making circular depressions in a pat of butter, and the movement hypnotized me. And besides, I told her, I overheard something.


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[Assistant] Professor Neamer and Dr. Strauss were arguing, and Neamer said he's positive that nothing can go wrong. I hope so, she said.


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[Assistant] You have no idea how afraid I've been that something might go wrong. I feel partly responsible


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[Assistant] She saw me staring at the knife and she put it down carefully beside her plate. I never would have done it but for you, I said. She laughed and it made me tremble. That's when I saw that her eyes were soft brown. She looked down at the tablecloth quickly and blushed. Thank you, Charlie, she said, and took my hand. It was the first time anyone had ever done that.


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[Assistant] I leaned forward holding onto her hand and the words came out. I like you very much. After I said it, I was afraid she'd laugh, but she nodded and smiled. I like you too, Charlie. But it's more than liking. What I mean is... Oh hell, I don't know what I mean.


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[Assistant] I knew I was blushing and I didn't know where to look or what to do with my hands.


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[Assistant] I dropped a fork and when I tried to retrieve it I knocked over a glass of water and it spilled on her dress.


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[Assistant] Suddenly, I had become clumsy and awkward again, and when I tried to apologize, I found my tongue had become too large for my mouth.


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[Assistant] That's all right, Charlie, she tried to reassure me. It's only water. Don't let it upset you this way. In the taxi on the way home, we were silent for a long time.


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[Assistant] And then she put down her purse and straightened my tie and puffed up my breast pocket handkerchief. You were very upset tonight Charlie. I feel ridiculous.


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[Assistant] I upset you by talking about it. I made you self conscious. It's not that. What bothers me is that I can't put into words the way I feel. These feelings are new to you. Not everything has to be put into words.


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[Assistant] I moved closer to her and tried to take her hand again but she pulled away. No, Charlie. I don't think this is good for you. I've upset you and it might have a negative effect.


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[Assistant] When she put me off I felt awkward and ridiculous at the same time.


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[Assistant] It made me angry with myself and I pulled back to my side of the seat and stared out the window. I hated her.


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[Assistant] As I had never hated anyone before, with her easy answers and maternal fussing. I wanted to slap her face, to make her crawl, and then to hold her in my arms and kiss her.


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[Assistant] By the time the cab reached her apartment on 77th street, I was thoroughly miserable. Look, she said, this is my fault. I shouldn't have gone out with you tonight. Yes, I see that now.


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[Assistant] What I mean is, we have no right to put this on a personal, emotional level.


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[Assistant] You have so much to do, I have no right to come into your life at this time. That's my worry, isn't it? Is it? This isn't your private affair anymore, Charlie.


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[Assistant] You've got obligations now, not only to Professor Nehmer and Dr. Strauss, but to the millions who may follow in your footsteps. The more she talked that way, the worse I felt.


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[Assistant] She highlighted my awkwardness, my lack of knowledge about the right things to say and do. I was a blundering adolescent in her eyes, and she was trying to let me down easy.


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[Assistant] As we stood at the door to her apartment, she turned and smiled at me, and for a moment I thought she was going to invite me in, but she just whispered, Good night, Charlie. Thank you for a wonderful evening. I wanted to kiss her good night. I had worried about it earlier. Didn't a woman expect you to kiss her?


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[Assistant] In the novels I'd read and the movies I'd seen, the man makes the advances. I had decided last night that I would kiss her. I kept thinking, what if she turns me down?


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[Assistant] And before I could protest or ask what she meant by not yet, she started inside. Good night, Charlie, and thank you again for a lovely, lovely time. And closed the door.


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[Assistant] How does a person go about learning how to act toward another person? How does a man learn how to behave toward a woman? The books don't help much. But next time, I'm gonna kiss her goodnight.


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[Assistant] One of the things that confuses me is never really knowing when something comes up from my past, whether it really happened that way, or if that was the way it seemed to be at the time, or if I'm inventing it.


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[Assistant] I'm like a man who's been half asleep all his life, trying to find out what he was like before he woke up.


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[Assistant] Everything is strangely slow motion and blurred. I had a nightmare last night, and when I woke up, I remembered something. First the nightmare.


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[Assistant] I'm running down a long corridor half blinded by the swirls of dust.


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[Assistant] At times I run forward, and then I float around and run backwards, but I'm afraid because I'm hiding something in my pocket.


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[Assistant] I don't know what it is or where I got it, but I know they wanna take it away from me, and that frightens me.


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[Assistant] The wall breaks down, and suddenly there's a red-haired girl with her arms outstretched to me. Her face is a blank mask.


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[Assistant] She takes me into her arms, kisses and caresses me, and I want to hold her tightly, but I'm afraid.


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[Assistant] The more she touches me, the more frightened I become because I know I must never touch a girl. Then, as her body rubs up against mine,


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[Assistant] I feel a strange bubbling and throbbing inside me that makes me warm. But when I look up, I see a bloody knife in her hands.


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[Assistant] I try to scream as I run but no sound comes out of my throat. And my pockets are empty.


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[Assistant] I search in my pockets, but I don't know what it is I've lost or why I was hiding it. I know only that it's gone. And there's blood on my hands, too.


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[Assistant] When I woke up, I thought of Alice, and I had the same feeling of panic as in the dream. What am I afraid of? Something about the knife. I made myself a cup of coffee and smoked a cigarette.


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[Assistant] I'd never had a dream like it before, and I knew it was connected with my evening with Alice. I've begun to think of her in a different way.


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[Assistant] Free association is still difficult because it's hard not to control the direction of your thoughts.


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[Assistant] Just to leave your mind open and let anything flow into it. Ideas bubbling to the surface like a bubble bath. A woman bathing, a girl. Norma taking a bath. I'm watching through the keyhole. And when she gets out of the tub to dry herself, I see that her body is different from mine. Something is missing. Running down the hallway. Somebody chasing me. Not a person.


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[Assistant] And I'm scared and crying, but no voice comes out because my neck is cut and I'm bleeding. Mama, Charlie is peeking at me through the keyhole. Why is she different? What happened to her? Blood. Bleeding. A dark cubbyhole.


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[Assistant] Three blind mice. Three blind mice. See how they run. See how they run. They all run after the farmer's wife. She cut off their tails with a carving knife. Did you ever see such a sight in your life as three blind mice?


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[Assistant] Charlie, alone in the kitchen early in the morning. Everyone else asleep, and he amuses himself playing with his spinner.


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[Assistant] One of the buttons pops off his shirt as he bends over and it rolls across the intricate line pattern of the kitchen linoleum. It rolls toward the bathroom and he follows, but then he loses it. Where is the button? He goes into the bathroom to find it.


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[Assistant] There's a closet in the bathroom where the clothes hamper is, and he likes to take out all the clothes and look at them.


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[Assistant] His father's things and his mother's and Norma's dresses.


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[Assistant] He would like to try them on and make believe he is Norma.


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[Assistant] But once, when he did that, his mother spanked him for it. There, in the clothes hamper, he finds Norma's underwear with dried blood. What had she done wrong? He was terrified. Whoever had done it might come looking for him.


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[Assistant] Why does a memory like that from childhood remain with me so strongly, and why does it frighten me now? Is it because of my feelings for Alice?


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[Assistant] Thinking about it now, I can understand why I was taught to keep away from women. It was wrong for me to express my feelings to Alice. I have no right to think of a woman that way. Not yet.


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[Assistant] I was somebody before I went under the surgeon's knife. And I have to love someone.


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[Assistant] I first noticed something was wrong during the rush hour two days ago.


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[Assistant] Gimpy was behind the counter wrapping a birthday cake for one of our regular customers, a cake that sells for $3.95. But when Gimpy rang up the sale, the register showed only $2.95.


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[Assistant] I started to tell him he had made a mistake but in the mirror behind the counter.


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[Assistant] I saw a wink and smile that passed from the customer to Gimpy and the answering smile on Gimpy's face.


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[Assistant] And when the man took his change, I saw the flash of a large silver coin left behind in Gimpy's hand before his fingers closed on it, and the quick movement with which he slipped the half-dollar into his pocket.


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[Assistant] Charlie, said a woman behind me, are there any more of those cream-filled eclairs? I'll go back and find out. I was glad of the interruption, because it gave me time to think about what I had seen. Certainly Gimpy had not made a mistake.


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[Assistant] I leaned limply against the wall, not knowing what to do.


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[Assistant] Gimpy had worked for Mr. Donner for over 15 years.


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[Assistant] Donner, who always treated his workers like close friends, like relatives, had invited Gimpy's family to his house for dinner more than once.


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[Assistant] He often put Gimpy in charge of the shop when he had to go out.


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[Assistant] And I had heard stories of the times Donner gave Gimpy money to pay his wife's hospital bills.


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[Assistant] It was incredible that anyone would steal from such a man. There had to be some other explanation.


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[Assistant] Or perhaps Mr. Donner had made some special arrangement for this one customer who regularly bought cream cakes. Anything. Rather than believe that Gimpy was stealing. Gimpy had always been so nice to me.


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[Assistant] I kept my eyes averted from the register as I brought out the tray of eclairs and sorted out the cookies, buns and cakes.


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[Assistant] I recalled that she came in most often when Donner was out to lunch and Gimpy was behind the counter.


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[Assistant] Gimpy had often sent me out to deliver orders to her house.


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[Assistant] Involuntarily, my mind totaled her purchases to $4.53.


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[Assistant] But I turned away so that I would not see what Gimpy rang up on the cash register.


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[Assistant] I wanted to know the truth, and yet I was afraid of what I might learn. Two forty-five, Mrs. Wheeler, he said. The ring of the sail, the counting of change, the slam of the drawer. Thank you, Mrs. Wheeler.


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[Assistant] I turned just in time to see him putting his hand into his pocket, and I heard the faint clink of coins.


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[Assistant] How many times had he used me as a go-between to deliver packages to her?


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[Assistant] Undercharging her so that later they could split the difference.


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[Assistant] Had he used me all these years to help him steal?


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[Assistant] I couldn't take my eyes off Gimpy as he clomped around behind the counter, perspiration streaming down from under his paper cap. He seemed animated and good natured, but looking up, he caught my eye, frowned, and turned away. I wanted to hit him.


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[Assistant] Every time I think of Gimpy stealing from Mr. Donner, I wanna smash something. Fortunately, I don't think I'm capable of violence. I don't think I ever hit anyone in my life. But I still have to decide what to do.


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[Assistant] Tell Donner that his trusted employee has been stealing from him all these years? Gimpy would deny it, and I could never prove it was true. And what would it do to Mr. Donner? I don't know what to do.


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[Assistant] I can't sleep. This has gotten to me.


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[Assistant] Not knowing about it, I was outside it, not to blame. But now that I know, by my silence I am as guilty as he is. Yet, Gimpy is a co-worker. Three children. What'll he do if Donner fires him?


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[Assistant] He might not be able to get another job, especially with his club foot. Is that my worry? What's right?


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[Assistant] Ironic that all my intelligence doesn't help me solve a problem like this.


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[Assistant] I asked Professor Nehmer about it, and he insists that I'm an innocent bystander and there's no reason for me to become involved in what would be an unpleasant situation.


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[Assistant] The fact that I've been used as a go-between doesn't seem to bother him at all.


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[Assistant] If I didn't understand what was happening at the time, he says, then it doesn't matter.


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[Assistant] I'm no more to blame than the knife is to blame in a stabbing or the car in a collision.


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[Assistant] But I'm not an inanimate object, I argued. I'm a person. He looked confused for a moment, and they laughed.


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[Assistant] Of course, Charlie. But I wasn't referring to now. I meant before the operation. Smug pompous. I felt like hitting him too.


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[Assistant] Yes, of course, Charlie, don't misunderstand, but it was different. And then he remembered that he had to check some charts in the lab.


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[Assistant] Dr. Strauss doesn't talk much during our psychotherapy sessions, but today when I brought it up, he said that I was morally obligated to tell Mr. Donner.


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[Assistant] But the more I thought about it, the less simple it became.


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[Assistant] I had to have someone else to break the tie, and the only one I could think of was Alice.


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[Assistant] Finally, at 10.30 I couldn't hold out any longer. I dialed three times, broke off in the middle each time.


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[Assistant] But on the fourth try I managed to hold on until her voice.


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[Assistant] At first she didn't think she should see me, but I begged her to meet me at the cafeteria where we had dinner together. I respect you, you've always given me good advice. And when she still wavered, I insisted.


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[Assistant] You HAVE to help me. You're partly responsible, you said so yourself.


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[Assistant] If not for you, I would never have gone into this in the first place. You can't just shrug me off now. She must have sensed the urgency because she agreed to meet me. I hung up and stared at the phone.


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[Assistant] Why was it so important for me to know what she thought? How she felt?


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[Assistant] Was that why I had agreed to the operation in the first place?


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[Assistant] I paced up and back in front of the cafeteria until the policeman began to eye me suspiciously. Then I went in and bought coffee. Fortunately the table we had used last time was empty. She would think of looking for me back there.


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[Assistant] She saw me and waved to me, but stopped at the counter for coffee before she came over to the table. She smiled, and I knew it was because I had chosen the same table. A foolish, romantic gesture.


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[Assistant] I know it's late, I apologized. But I swear, I was going out of my mind. I had to talk to you.


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[Assistant] She sipped her coffee and listened quietly as I explained how I had found out about Gimpy's cheating, my own reaction, and the conflicting advice I'd gotten at the lab. When I finished, she sat back and shook her head. Charlie, you amaze me. In some ways, you're so advanced and yet, when it comes to making a decision, you're still a child. I can't decide for you, Charlie.


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[Assistant] The answer can't be found in books or be solved by bringing it to other people. Not unless you want to remain a child all your life.


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[Assistant] You've got to find the answer inside you. Feel the right thing to do. Charlie, you've got to learn to trust yourself. At first I was annoyed at her lecture, but then suddenly, it began to make sense. You mean, I've got to decide. She nodded. In fact, I said, now that I think of it, I believe I've already decided some of it.


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[Assistant] I think Neamer and Strauss are both wrong. She was watching me closely, excitedly.


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[Assistant] You're damned right something's happening. A cloud of smoke was hanging in front of my eyes and with one breath you blew it away.


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[Assistant] A simple idea. Trust myself. And it never occurred to me before. Charlie, you're wonderful. I caught her hand and held it. No, it's you. You touch my eyes and make me see. She blushed and pulled her hand back. The last time we were here, I said, I told you I liked you. I should have trusted myself to say, I love you.


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[Assistant] Not yet, I shouted. That's what you said last time. Why not yet? Shhh. Wait a while, Charlie.


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[Assistant] Finish your studies. See where they lead you. You're changing too fast. What does that have to do with it?


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[Assistant] My feeling for you won't change because I'm becoming intelligent. I'll only love you more. But you're changing emotionally too.


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[Assistant] In a peculiar sense, I'm the first woman you've ever been really aware of in this way.


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[Assistant] Up to now I've been your teacher, someone you turn to for help and advice. You're bound to think you're in love with me. See other women. Give yourself more time.


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[Assistant] What you're saying is that young boys are always falling in love with their teachers and that emotionally I'm still just a boy. You're twisting my words around. No, I don't think of you as a boy. Emotionally retarded then. No. Then why? Charlie, don't push me. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Already you've gone beyond my intellectual reach. In a few months or even weeks, you'll be a different person. When you mature intellectually, we may not be able to communicate. When you mature emotionally, you may not even want me. I've got to think of myself too, Charlie. Let's wait and see. Be patient. She was making sense, but I wasn't letting myself listen.


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[Assistant] You don't know how much I look forward to that date. I was out of my mind wondering how to behave, what to say, wanting to make the best impression, and terrified I might say something to make you angry. You didn't make me angry, I was flattered. Then when can I see you again? I have no right to let you get involved.


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[Assistant] But I am involved! I shouted. And then, seeing people turn to look, I lowered my voice until it trembled with anger. I'm a person.


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[Assistant] I'm in the middle of a page and I see your face on it, not blurred like those in my past, but clear and alive.


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[Assistant] I touched the page and your face is gone and I want to tear the book apart and throw it away. Please, Charlie, let me see you again. Tomorrow, at the lab.


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[Assistant] No, that's not what I mean. Away from the lab, away from the university, alone. I could tell she wanted to say yes.


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[Assistant] She was surprised by my insistence. I was surprised at myself. I only knew that I couldn't stop pressing her.


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[Assistant] And yet there was a terror in my throat as I begged her. My palms were damp.


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[Assistant] Was I afraid she'd say no, or afraid she'd say yes? If she hadn't broken the tension by answering me, I think I would have fainted.


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[Assistant] Alright, Charlie, away from the lab and the university, but not alone. I don't think we should be alone together.


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[Assistant] Anywhere you say, I gasped, just so I can be with you and not think of tests, statistics, questions, answers. She frowned for a moment. Alright, they have free spring concerts in Central Park. Next week you can take me to one of the concerts.


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[Assistant] When we got to her doorway she turned quickly and kissed my cheek. Good night Charlie, I'm glad you called me. I'll see you at the lab.


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[Assistant] She closed the door, and I stood outside the building and looked at the light in her apartment window until it went out. There is no question about it now. I'm in love.


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[Assistant] After all this thinking and worrying, I realized Alice was right. I had to trust my intuition. At the bakery, I watched Gimpy more closely.


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[Assistant] It was only with certain regular customers that he did it, and it occurred to me that these people were as guilty as he. Without their agreement, this could never take place. Why should Gimpy be the scapegoat? That's when I decided on the compromise. It might not be the perfect decision, but it was my decision, and it seemed to be the best answer under the circumstances.


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[Assistant] I would tell Gimpy what I knew and warn him to stop.


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[Assistant] I got him alone back by the washroom, and when I came up to him he started away. I've got something important to talk to you about, I said. I want your advice for a friend who has a problem.


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[Assistant] He's discovered that one of his fellow employees is cheating his boss, and he doesn't know what to do about it.


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[Assistant] He doesn't like the idea of informing and getting the guy into trouble, but he won't stand by and let his boss, who has been good to both of them, be cheated. Gimpy looked at me hard. What does this friend of yours plan to do about it? That's the trouble. He doesn't wanna do anything.


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[Assistant] He feels if the stealing stops, there would be nothing gained by doing anything at all. He would forget about it.


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[Assistant] Your friend ought to keep his nose in his own business, said Gimpy, shifting off his club foot. He ought to keep his eyes closed to things like that, and know who his friends are. A boss is a boss and working people gotta stick together. My friend doesn't feel that way. It's none of his business.


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[Assistant] He feels that if he knows about it, he's partly responsible.


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[Assistant] So he's decided that if the thing stops, he's got nothing more to say. Otherwise he'll tell the whole story.


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[Assistant] I wanted to ask your opinion. Do you think that under the circumstances, the stealing will stop? It was a strain for him to conceal his anger. I could see that he wanted to hit me, but he just kept squeezing his fist. Tell you friend, the guy doesn't seem to have any choice.


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[Assistant] Perhaps I oughta have told Donner the whole story and had Gimpy fired, I don't know.


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[Assistant] Doing it this way has something to be said for it, it's over and done with. But how many people are there like Gimpy, who use other people that way?


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[Assistant] May 15th My studies are going well. The university library is my second home now. They've had to get me a private room.


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[Assistant] Because it takes me only a second to absorb the printed page.


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[Assistant] And curious students invariably gather around me as I flip through my books.


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[Assistant] My most absorbing interests at the present time are etymologies of ancient languages, the newer works on the calculus of variations, and Hindu history.


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[Assistant] It's amazing the way things apparently disconnected hang together. I've moved up to another plateau.


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[Assistant] And now the streams of the various disciplines seem to be closer to each other as if they flow from a single source.


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[Assistant] Strange, how when I'm in the college cafeteria and hear the students arguing about history or politics or religion, it all seems so childish.


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[Assistant] People resent being shown that they don't approach the complexities of the problem.


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[Assistant] They don't know what exists beyond the surface ripples. It's just as bad on a higher level.


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[Assistant] And I've given up any attempt to discuss these things with the professors at Beekman.


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[Assistant] Bert introduced me to an economics professor at the faculty cafeteria, one well known for his work on the economic factors affecting interest rates.


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[Assistant] I had long wanted to talk to an economist about some of the ideas I had come across in my reading.


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[Assistant] The moral aspects of the military blockade as a weapon in times of peace had been bothering me.


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[Assistant] I asked him what he thought of the suggestion by some senators that we begin using such tactics as blacklisting and reinforcement of the NavICERT controls that had been used in World Wars I and II against some of the smaller nations which now oppose us.


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[Assistant] He listened quietly, staring off into space and I assumed he was collecting his thoughts for an answer.


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[Assistant] His interest was in interest rates, and he hadn't given military economics much thought.


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[Assistant] He suggested I see Dr. Wessey, who once did a paper on war trade agreements during World War II. He might be able to help me.


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[Assistant] Before I could say anything else, he grabbed my hand and shook it.


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[Assistant] He had been glad to meet me, but there were some notes he had to assemble for a lecture. And then he was gone.


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[Assistant] The same thing happened when I tried to discuss Chaucer with an American literature specialist, questioned an orientalist about the Trobri and Islanders, and tried to focus on the problems of automation caused unemployment with a social psychologist who specialized in public opinion polls on adolescent behavior.


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[Assistant] They would always find excuses to slip away, afraid to reveal the narrowness of their knowledge. How different they seem to be now.


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[Assistant] And how foolish I was ever to have thought that professors were intellectual giants.


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[Assistant] They're people, and afraid the rest of the world will find out. And Alice is a person too. A woman, not a goddess. And I'm taking her to the concert tomorrow night.


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[Assistant] I've got to understand what happened to me last night at the concert. The evening started out well enough.


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[Assistant] The mall at Central Park had filled up early, and Alice and I had to pick our way among the couples stretched out on the grass.


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[Assistant] Finally, far back from the path, we found an unused tree where, out of the range of lamplight, the only evidence of other couples was the protesting female laughter and the glow of lit cigarettes. This will be fine, she said. No reason to be right on top of the orchestra. What's that they're playing now? I asked. Debussy's La Mer. Do you like it? I settled down beside her.


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[Assistant] I don't know much about this kind of music. I have to think about it. Don't think about it, she whispered.


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[Assistant] She lay back on the grass and turned her face in the direction of the music. I had no way of knowing what she expected of me.


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[Assistant] This was far from the clear lines of problem solving and the systematic acquisition of knowledge.


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[Assistant] I kept telling myself that the sweating palms, the tightness in my chest, the desire to put my arms around her were merely biochemical reactions.


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[Assistant] I even traced the pattern of stimulus and reaction that caused my nervousness and excitement. Yet everything was fuzzy and uncertain. Should I put my arm around her or not? Was she waiting for me to do it? Would she get angry?


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[Assistant] I could tell I was still behaving like an adolescent and it angered me.


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[Assistant] Here, I choked. Why don't you make yourself more comfortable? Rest on my shoulder. She let me put my arm around her, but she didn't look at me.


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[Assistant] She seemed to be too absorbed in the music to realize what I was doing.


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[Assistant] Did she want me to hold her that way or was she merely tolerating it? As I slipped my arm down to her waist,


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[Assistant] I felt her tremble, but still she kept staring in the direction of the orchestra.


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[Assistant] She was pretending to be concentrating on the music so that she wouldn't have to respond to me. She didn't want to know what was happening.


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[Assistant] As long as she looked away and listened, she could pretend that my closeness, my arms around her were without her knowledge or consent.


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[Assistant] When I touched her shoulder she stiffened and trembled, but I pulled her toward me. Then, it happened.


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[Assistant] It started as a hollow buzzing in my ears, an electric saw far away, then the cold, arms and legs prickly, and finger numbing. Suddenly I had the feeling I was being watched. A sharp switch in perception.


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[Assistant] I saw from some point in the darkness behind a tree, the two of us, lying in each other's arms.


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[Assistant] I looked up to see a boy of 15 or 16 crouching nearby. Hey! I shouted as he stood up.


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[Assistant] Standing right here, watching us. Close enough to touch you. Charlie, where are you going? He couldn't have gotten very far. Leave him alone, Charlie, it doesn't matter. But it mattered to me.


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[Assistant] The worst became the queasy feeling that comes before fainting, lost and alone in a great wilderness. And then I caught hold of myself and found my way back to where Alice was sitting. Did you find him? No, but he was there. I saw him. She looked at me strangely. Are you all right? I will be in a minute.


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[Assistant] Just that damn buzzing in my ears. Maybe we'd better go.


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[Assistant] All the way back to her apartment, it was on my mind that the boy had been crouching there in the darkness, and for one second, I had caught a glimpse of what he was seeing. The two of us lying in each other's arms. Would you like to come in? I could make some coffee. I wanted to, but something warned me against it. Better not, I've got a lot of work to do tonight. Charlie,


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[Assistant] Is it anything I said or did? Of course not. Just that kid watching us upset me.


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[Assistant] She was standing close to me, waiting for me to kiss her. I put my arm around her, but it happened again. If I didn't get away quickly, I would pass out. Charlie, you look sick. Did you see him, Alice, the truth? She shook her head. No, it was too dark, but I'm sure I've gotta go. I'll call you.


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[Assistant] Dr. Strauss feels that emotionally, I'm still in that adolescent state where being close to a woman or thinking of sex sets off anxiety, panic, even hallucinations.


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[Assistant] He feels that my rapid intellectual development has deceived me into thinking I could live a normal emotional life.


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[Assistant] But I've got to accept the fact that the fears and blocks triggered in these sexual situations reveal that emotionally, I'm still an adolescent. Sexually retarded.


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[Assistant] I guess he means I'm not ready for a relationship with a woman like Alice Kinian. Not yet.


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[Assistant] May 20th. I've been fired from my job at the bakery. I know it was foolish of me to hang onto the past, but


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[Assistant] There was something about the place, with its white brick walls browned by oven heat. It was home to me.


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[Assistant] What did I do to make them hate me so? I can't blame Donner. He's gotta think of his business and the other employees. And yet, he's been closer to me than a father.


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[Assistant] He called me into his office, cleared the statements and bills off the solitary chair beside his roll-top desk, and without looking up at me he said, I've been meaning to talk to you. Now is as good a time as any.


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[Assistant] It seems foolish now, but as I sat there staring at him, short, chubby, with the ragged light brown mustache comically drooping over his upper lip, it was as if both of me


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[Assistant] The old Charlie and the new were sitting on that chair.


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[Assistant] Charlie, your Uncle Herman was a good friend of mine.


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[Assistant] I kept my promise to him to keep you on the job, good times and bad, so that you didn't ever want for a dollar in your pocket and a place to lay your head without being put away in that home. The bakery is my home, and I treated you like my own son.


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[Assistant] When they committed you to that warren place, I told them how you'd work for me and I'd take care of you.


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[Assistant] You didn't spend even one night in that place. I got you a room and I looked after you. Now have I kept that solemn promise? I nodded.


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[Assistant] But I could see by the way he was folding and unfolding his bills that he was having trouble. And as much as I didn't want to know, I knew.


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[Assistant] I've tried my best to do a good job. I've worked hard. I know, Charlie. Nuttin's wrong with your work.


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[Assistant] But something happened to you and I don't understand what it means. Not only me, everyone has been talking about it.


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[Assistant] I've had them in here a dozen times in the last few weeks. They're all upset. Charlie, I gotta let you go. I tried to stop him, but he shook his head. There was a delegation in to see me last night. Charlie, I got my business to hold together.


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[Assistant] He was staring at his hands, turning the paper over and over as if he hoped to find something on it that wasn't there before. I'm sorry, Charlie.


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[Assistant] He peered up at me for the first time since we'd walked into his cubbyhole office.


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[Assistant] You know as well as I do that you don't need to work here anymore. Mr. Donner, I've never worked anywhere else. Let's face it. You're not the Charlie who came in here 17 years ago. Not even the same Charlie of four months ago.


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[Assistant] You haven't talked about it. It's your own affair, maybe a miracle of some kind, who knows. But you've changed into a very smart young man.


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[Assistant] Something inside me wanted to make him change his mind. You've gotta let me stay, Mr. Donner. Give me another chance.


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[Assistant] You said yourself that you promised Uncle Herman I would have a job here for as long as I needed it. Well, I still need it, Mr. Donner. You don't, Charlie.


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[Assistant] If you did, then I'd tell them I don't care about their delegations and their petitions and I'd stick up for you against all of them. But as it is now, they're all scared to death of you. I gotta think of my own family, too. What if they change their minds? Let me try to convince them.


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[Assistant] I was making it harder for him than he expected. I knew I should stop but I couldn't control myself. I'll make them understand, I pleaded.


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[Assistant] Alright, he sighed finally. Go ahead, try. But you're only gonna hurt yourself.


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[Assistant] As I came out of his office, Frank Riley and Joe Karp walked by me, and I knew what he had said was true. Having me around to look at was too much for them. I made them all uncomfortable.


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[Assistant] Frank had just picked up a tray of rolls and both he and Joe turned when I called.


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[Assistant] Look, Charlie, I'm busy, may be late, no. I insisted, now, right now. Both of you have been avoiding me, why?


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[Assistant] Frank, the fast talker, the ladies man, the arranger, studied me for a moment and then set the tray down on the table.


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[Assistant] Because all of a sudden you're a big shot, a know-it-all, a brain. Now you're a regular whiz kid, an egghead, always with a book, always with all the answers.


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[Assistant] Well I'll tell you something. You think you're better than the rest of us here? Okay, go someplace else. But, what did I do to you? What did he do? Hear that, Joe? I'll tell you what you did, Mr. Gordon.


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[Assistant] But I'll tell you something. To me, you're still a moron.


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[Assistant] Maybe I don't understand some of them big words or the names of the books, but I'm as good as you are. Better even. Yeah.


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[Assistant] Joe nodded, turning to emphasize the point to Gimpy who had just come up behind him.


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[Assistant] I'm not asking you to be my friends, I said, or have anything to do with me. Just let me keep my job. Mr. Donner says it's up to you.


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[Assistant] Gimpy glared at me, and then shook his head in disgust. You got a nerve, he shouted. You can go to hell. Then he turned and limped off heavily. And so it went. Most of them felt the way Joe and Frank and Gimpy did.


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[Assistant] But now they were feeling inferior to the moron.


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[Assistant] I began to see that by my astonishing growth I had made them shrink and emphasize their inadequacies. I had betrayed them. And they hated me for it.


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[Assistant] Fanny Burden was the only one who didn't think I should be forced to leave, and despite their pressure and threats, she had been the only one not to sign the petition.


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[Assistant] Which don't mean to say, she remarked, that I don't think there's something mighty strange about you, Charlie. The way you've changed, I don't know. You used to be a good, dependable man. Ordinary, not too bright maybe, but honest. And who knows what you'd done to yourself to get so smart all of a sudden. Like everybody's been saying, it ain't right.


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[Assistant] But what's wrong with a person wanting to be more intelligent, to acquire knowledge and understand himself and the world?


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[Assistant] If you'd read your Bible, Charlie, you'd know that it's not meant for man to know more than was given to him to know by the Lord in the first place. The fruit of that tree was forbidden to man. Charlie, if you'd done anything you wasn't supposed to,


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[Assistant] Maybe you could go back to being the good, simple man you was before. There's no going back, Fanny. I haven't done anything wrong.


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[Assistant] I'm like a man born blind who has been given a chance to see light. That can't be sinful.


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[Assistant] Soon there'll be millions like me all over the world. Science can do it, Fanny.


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[Assistant] She stared down at the bride and groom on the wedding cake she was decorating, and I could see her lips barely move as she whispered,


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[Assistant] And they was driven out of paradise and the gates was closed to them.


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[Assistant] There was nothing more to say, to her or to the rest of them. None of them would look into my eyes. I can still feel the hostility.


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[Assistant] Before, they had laughed at me, despising me for my ignorance and dullness.


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[Assistant] I wonder what would happen if they put Algernon back in the big cage with some of the other mice. Would they turn against him?


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[Assistant] So this is how a person can come to despise himself, knowing he's doing the wrong thing, and not being able to stop.


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[Assistant] Against my will, I found myself drawn to Alice's apartment. She was surprised, but she let me in. You're soaked. The water is streaming down your face. It's raining. Good for the flowers. Come on in. Let me get you a towel. You'll catch pneumonia. You're the only one I can talk to, I said. Let me stay.


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[Assistant] It was the first time I had ever been inside her apartment. I felt a sense of pleasure


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[Assistant] The porcelain figurines were in a straight line on the window ledge all facing the same way.


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[Assistant] And the throw pillows on the sofa hadn't been thrown at all, but were regularly spaced on the clear plastic covers that protected the upholstery.


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[Assistant] The reporter, The Saturday Review, The New Yorker. On the other,


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[Assistant] Mademoiselle House Beautiful and Reader's Digest


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[Assistant] On the far wall, across from the sofa, hung an ornately framed reproduction of Picasso's Mother and Child, and directly opposite, above the sofa, was a painting of a dashing Renaissance courtier, masked, sword in hand, protecting a frightened, pink-cheeked maiden. Taken altogether,


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[Assistant] It was wrong. As if Alice couldn't make up her mind who she was and which world she wanted to live in.


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[Assistant] You haven't been to the lab for a few days, she called from the kitchen. Professor Nehmer is worried about you. I couldn't face them, I said.


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[Assistant] You mustn't take it so hard, Charlie. It has nothing to do with you. It doesn't help to tell myself that.


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[Assistant] But those people for all these years were my family. It was like being thrown out of my own home. That's just it, she said.


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[Assistant] This has become a symbolic repetition of experiences you had as a child.


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[Assistant] Being rejected by your parents? Being sent away? Oh Christ, nevermind giving it a nice neat label.


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[Assistant] What matters is that before I got involved in this experiment, I had friends. People who cared for me.


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[Assistant] Now I'm afraid you've still got friends. It's not the same. Fear is a normal reaction. It's more than that. I've been afraid before. Afraid of being strapped for not giving in to Norma.


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[Assistant] Afraid of passing Howells Street, where the gang used to tease me and push me around.


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[Assistant] And I was afraid of the school teacher Mrs. Libby who tied my hands so I wouldn't fidget with things on my desk.


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[Assistant] This terror at being kicked out of the bakery is vague, a fear I don't understand. Get hold of yourself. You don't feel the panic. But Charlie, it's to be expected.


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[Assistant] Mr. Donner was good to you, and you were sheltered all these years.


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[Assistant] Being driven out of the bakery this way is an even greater shock than you expected. Knowing it intellectually doesn't help. I can't sit alone in my room anymore.


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[Assistant] I wander into the streets at all hours of the day or night not knowing what I'm looking for. Walking until I'm lost. Finding myself outside the bakery.


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[Assistant] Last night I walked all the way from Washington Square to Central Park and I slept in the park. What the hell am I searching for? The more I talked, the more upset she became. What can I do to help you, Charlie? I don't know.


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[Assistant] I'm like an animal who's been locked out of his nice safe cage. She sat beside me on the couch.


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[Assistant] They're pushing you too fast. You're confused.


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[Assistant] You wanna be an adult but there's still a little boy inside you, alone and frightened. She put my head on her shoulder trying to comfort me and as she stroked my hair


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[Assistant] I knew that she needed me the way I needed her. Charlie, she whispered after a while, whatever you want, don't be afraid of me.


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[Assistant] I wanted to tell her I was waiting for the panic.


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[Assistant] Charlie had nearly fainted when a middle-aged woman just out of the bath amused herself by opening her bathrobe and exposing herself. Had he ever seen a woman without clothes on? Did he know how to make love?


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[Assistant] His terror, his whining must have frightened her because she clutched her robe together and gave him a quarter to forget what had happened.


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[Assistant] She was only testing him, she warned, to see if he was a good boy. He tried to be good, he told her, and not look at women


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[Assistant] Now, he had the clear picture of Charlie's mother.


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[Assistant] Screaming at him, holding a leather belt in her hand, and his father trying to hold her back. Enough, Rose! You'll kill him! Leave him alone!


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[Assistant] His mother straining forward to lash at him, just out of reach now, so that the belt swishes past his shoulder as he writhes and twists away from it on the floor.


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[Assistant] Look at him! Rose screams. He can't learn to read and write, but he knows enough to look at a girl that way. I'll beat that filth out of his mind.


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[Assistant] He can't help it if he gets an erection, it's normal, he didn't do anything.


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[Assistant] He's got no business to think that way about girls. A friend of his sister's comes to the house and he starts thinking like that. I'll teach him so he never forgets. Do you hear? If you ever touch a girl, I'll put you away in a cage like an animal for the rest of your life. Do you hear me?


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[Assistant] Maybe the fear and nausea was no longer a sea to drown in, but only a pool of water reflecting the past alongside the now. Was I free?


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[Assistant] If I could reach Alice in time without thinking about it before it overwhelmed me, maybe the panic wouldn't happen. If only I could make my mind a blank. I managed to choke out, you, you do it. Hold me. And before I knew what she was doing, she was kissing me.


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[Assistant] She tried to soothe me, to tell me it didn't matter, that there was no reason to blame myself.


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[Assistant] But ashamed and no longer able to control my anguish, I began to sob. There in her arms, I cried myself to sleep.


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[Assistant] Then don't be sad, he said. I'll be back from college in three years' time and then we'll go abroad or on a nice trip somewhere. Wouldn't that cheer you up? Anything can happen in three years, said Joe. That's true, said Laurie.


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[Assistant] I don't think so, said Joe. It may be something sad, and everyone looks so happy now. As she spoke, she looked round the room, and her face brightened at the sight. Father and mother sat happily together. Amy was drawing a picture of Meg and John, who were looking lovingly at each other.


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[Assistant] Beth lay on the floor talking to her old friend, Mr. Lawrence. Joe sat in her favorite chair


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[Assistant] With a serious, quiet look on her face.


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[Assistant] Laurie smiled at her in the long mirror that was opposite them both. And Joe smiled back.


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[Assistant] How do you vet them? There's no possible way to vet them.


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[Assistant] Alas, I cannot tell day from night. It was my dog. How can a dog


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[Assistant] Three hundred and sixty-five wives were mine. In my heart there was no love. Fifty palaces and I had no home. Richest among my subjects, I was the poorest of the poor. Every desire satisfied, I grew empty of desire.


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[Assistant] I'm a stranger here. Surely you can tell me what the old man's talking about.


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[Assistant] Oh, there I met the one who was to become my only true friend. Abu, the little thief of Baghdad. For only very little thieves are thrown into prison.


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[Assistant] You are mad, quite mad. What's it matter? In the morning, unless the sun stops still and never rises, we both die. The thief and the madman. And I don't want to die.


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[Assistant] Well then, what you see? Remember always to a genie you must tell the truth.


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[Assistant] Too good. Very good genius, just as Tarsem was a very good man.


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[Assistant] From now, you're not only mine, you belong to the princess as well. Stay and guard her for me.


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[Assistant] I wouldn't eat or drink in this house if I were starving.


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[Assistant] Now listen here, young Linton. You know what your father wants with us.


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[Assistant] Tell me what is happening right now or you'll be sorry. Yes, Linton, you must tell us.


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[Assistant] Because if you keep me here, my father will be miserable and worried about me.


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[Assistant] Mr. Heathcliff, please, let me go home. Don't do this to my father. I promise that I'll marry Linton.


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[Assistant] What has he done to you? Please, think of me! Let me go!


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[Assistant] She's alive and well, and will be here soon.


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[Assistant] Is my father still alive? Linton helped me to escape.


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[Assistant] Excellent, so we have a number of questions that we've started to get.


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[Assistant] I will try to, I will be the Greek chorus here. Panelists, as, uh, as usual, feel free to go ahead and unmute yourselves and just go ahead and ask the questions directly. Charlton, the panelists are, uh, PhD students and faculty here and, um, I'll, I'll, I'll kick it off and then we'll hand it off to the panelists.


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[Assistant] Uhm, has it given you any sort of new perspectives or is it sort of reinforcing what you, what you were already thinking? What would have been your reactions?


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[Assistant] Let's thank our speaker one more time. Thank you so much for joining us. I will note that there were a number of other questions. There was certainly a question that I saw several various versions of, you know, we continue to be allies at the societal level, wondering about what to do as individual technologists. Certainly a thing that I think a number of folks in the group have been


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[Assistant] I've been wrestling with. So thank you so much for spending your Friday afternoon with us. Now your Friday evening. Uh, have a wonderful and restful weekend and I think we will end it here.


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[Assistant] When I came to I was sitting down, it was silent and still.


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[Assistant] A bird disturbed by the fight started chirping far up on the side of the mountain. A small winter breeze rustled some dead leaves in the deep canyon. A cold, crawling chill crept over my body. I looked over at the lion.


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[Assistant] My dogs were still glued to his lifeless body. In his dying convulsions the axe had become dislodged from the wound it lay there in the moonlight covered with blood. My numb brain started working.


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[Assistant] I thought of another time the axe had been covered with blood.


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[Assistant] I don't know why I thought of Reuben Pritchard at that time, or why I thought of these words I had often heard. There is a little good in all evil.


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[Assistant] I got to my feet and went over to my dogs. I knew I had to inspect them to see how badly they were hurt. It wasn't too hard to get little Anne to loosen her hold. I examined her body. She was cut in several places, but nothing fatal.


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[Assistant] The only bad wound she had was in her shoulder. It was nine inches long and down to the clean white bone. She started licking it immediately. It was different with old Dan.


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[Assistant] Try as I might he wouldn't turn loose. Maybe he could remember the night in the cave when he was a pup, how the big cat had screamed and how he had bawled back at him.


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[Assistant] I took hold of his hind legs and tried to pull him loose. It was no use. He knew that the hold he had was a deadly one and he wasn't gonna let go.


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[Assistant] I tried to tell him it was all over that the lion was dead to turn loose as I wanted to see how badly he was hurt.


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[Assistant] He couldn't understand and wouldn't even open his eyes. He was determined to hold on until the body turned cold and stiff.


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[Assistant] With my axe handle I pried apart his locked jaws. Holding on to his collar, I led him off to one side. I couldn't turn him loose, as I knew if I did he would go back to the lion.


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[Assistant] With one hand I started examining him.


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[Assistant] I ran my fingers through the short red hair. I could feel the quivering muscles in the hot sweaty skin. He was a bloody mess.


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[Assistant] His long velvety ears were shredded. His entire body was a mass of deep, raw, red wounds. On both sides of his rib carriage the sharp claws had laid the flesh open to the bones.


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[Assistant] His friendly old face was pitiful to see. A razor-sharp claw had ripped down on an angle across his right eye. It was swollen shut. I wondered if he would ever see from that eye again.


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[Assistant] Blood dripped from his wounds and fell on the white oak leaves I saw he was bleeding to death.