[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This antique fly fishing rod is in immaculate shape. It's never been used. It appealed to me because it's got that old kind of nostalgic fly fishing feel to it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, supposedly it wasn't. How much are you looking to get out of it? Uh, I hate 200.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think you can cast out a better price? Like, 120?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, what do we got there? Got some pretty cool sports autographs here for you. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking to sell my 1995 action packed autographed basketball cards. I got the cards out of a storage unit here in Las Vegas. Didn't know what I came into. Did some research and it's an unbelievable collection. For the whole lot, I'm looking to get 120,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These were cards that were redemption, so when you would open the packs, they would have a redemption saying, hey, uh, you're, you're gonna get a Bill Bradley autograph, send it in and we'll send it to you. So the only way you were getting them is from Action Pack directly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are these graded? They're just authenticated. So, we have an anomaly. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So how much you want for these? Uhm, in total all 507 cards. I'm looking to get 120,000 for them all.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel, it's a headache, it's a project, uhm, I don't really want to be tied into them for as long and, and you're willing to do the work, so you know what, I'll do that 25, you got a deal.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, uhm, you know, this is Babe Ruth, one of you still with the Red Sox.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what? That's why they didn't win the World Series for a very long time. It was the curse of the Bambino. Babe Ruth is one of the guys who made baseball America's favorite pastime. His record of 60 homers in a season took over 30 years to break. And his lifetime home run record took even longer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, this one, I find it a little weird that it's got a newspaper advertisement on the back of it. Do you have an idea what you wanted for it?


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[Assistant] That sounds awesome to me. If it's real, you hit a jackpot.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's extremely rare for authentic Babe Ruth memorabilia to walk into the store. This could be an absolute jackpot, but 65 grand is way too much to risk without getting it checked out first.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. This thing is nice. This is a casting owl. This is like one of the holy grails of American coins. I'll do 95 and that's it. No, I don't think so. I think I'm gonna take it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I prefer Le Damien Tomlinson myself, but that's just cause I'm a Charger fan. But uh. Understandable, understandable. Am I ready to take it out? No, go right ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, this ball's cool. The one from Super Bowl 20 would be cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No one could argue that Walter Payton was one of the best to ever play the game. He got two MVPs, a Super Bowl, and close to, what, 17,000 rushing yards? But this ball commemorates a game he didn't even play in, so that knocks the value down quite a bit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is really cool. This is what they gave the top 8 finishers in each event.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the Olympics from 1912, so you probably only had maybe a hundred events. Not nearly as many people participated. The Olympics wasn't as big a deal back then yet, until Germany in 1936, because everyone hated Hitler and it was just so great for us to beat the hell out of him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love stuff like this. It's both a significant piece of art and a very rare sports collectible. So a lot of different collectors will be interested.


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[Assistant] It is really interesting. I like how this is really art deco right here. I just like the look. How much do you want for it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. This thing is nice. This is a casting out. This is like one of the holy grails of American coins. I'll do 95 and that's it. No, I don't think so. I think I'm gonna take it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, how's it going? Hello there. What have we got here? I have a vintage WWE Dude Love shirt and a mankind mask signed by Mick Foley. That's really cool. Hold on one second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm hoping to get $200 for the mankind autographed mask and $300 for the vintage dude love shirt. This is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do we got? Hey, we got this 61, uh, Willie May's uniform.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got this jersey with the matching pants underneath.


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[Assistant] I came to the pawn shop today to sell my wooly maze uniform. I'd like to sell it today because I'd like to just cash in on it. I've had it sit in the closet, so it's time for it to go.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm very confident it's real, the way my family charged it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way my uncle was a sports collector. Just because it was in your family doesn't make it real. What'd you want to do with it? I'd like to sell it. Give me an idea of what you want for it. I think around $45,000 would be a fair offering.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so rare, I think we should be able to do better than that. Can you do, uh, like 37?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmm. I'm sorry, I don't think I'll be able to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sounds good. Alright. John, take care of him. Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, mixed emotions. There was the sentimental attachment. But I think my uncle would be impressed at the price that it actually achieves. I think he'd be very proud of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's possible, I mean this is the first pair I've ever seen, and we get the adult ones all the time. Give me an idea of what you're looking to get out of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If these signatures are legit, there's no question I can sell these. But I've got no idea what signed baby Jordans are worth. There's nothing to compare them to. Do you need pictures or documents to back this thing up or?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wouldn't, man. I mean, the thing you gotta realize is Michael Jordan's not dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's got probably another 30 years of living left. So that's a lot of signatures out there.


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[Assistant] Could you go for 18? I really couldn't my man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Excited to come to the pawn shop today to sell my 1990 Air Jordans. Not only they don't fit me, things are a little tight right now and I'm looking to get a little extra money and pay a couple bills. These shoes are in mint condition even though they're 20 years old and I'm looking to get probably about $500 from where I'm thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, I couldn't believe that the shoes weren't real. My buddy is gonna get it for me. You know, I got something for him, but for the most part, I thought they were gonna be worth a little bit more, and they weren't. So I'm a little disappointed. How can I help you, man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a couple Super Bowl pendants. Ooh. That's the first two Super Bowls. The Super Bowl is the biggest television event, period. It's just insane, the Super Bowl. I mean, I mean, the bad seats are 500 bucks. And I hate people who watch it just for the commercials.


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[Assistant] 1966-1967, Green Bay Packers, Vince Lombardi.


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[Assistant] Arguably the greatest football coach in the history of the world, and to this day, that's what the Super Bowl Trophy is called. It's not called the Super Bowl Trophy, it's called the Vince Lombardi Trophy. Yes. So where'd you get him?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, there's not $500 with the gold there, I'll tell you that right now. Uhm, but- But, it's a 66 and 67 from the first two Super Bowls. I mean, this is- this is sort of my thing with them. I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that stone's been, that's definitely reset. That's not the original, the original prongs are more or less broken off or worn off, so what they do is they take it, it's called a graver, and you would


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Push the gold over onto the stuff. Okay. So that's definitely been replaced. It's not, doesn't have a factory prongs there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. This thing is nice. This is a casting out. This is like one of the holy grails of American coins. I'll do 95 and that's it. No, I don't think so. I think I'm gonna take it home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wyatt Ito was a great quarterback in the 50s, early 60s. He made a guy through seven touchdowns in one game. There's only a few guys that have ever done that in NFL history.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Retro football lately, and everybody loves the old guys. You know, talking about the Hall of Fame games, uh, I think the first class was 1963. They still have that tradition now, and they still play there, and the Hall of Fame thing's such a big deal. The Giants that year, I think, were 12 wins, 1962. That was about the end of Tittle's great run in the NFL.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The one thing I do want to do is look at a few examples of his signature. He kept things really simple. His T went under and then back over. Usually included his number, just depending where he could put it. Everything matches up pretty well, so no question the signature is real. No. Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About Tittle. He's been around a lot. It's funny how you look at the players of yesteryear. Great players. They sign a lot of autographs. Unfortunately, it doesn't carry a ton of value. But based on everything that's here, you've got a program with the ticket, the letter from the Hall of Fame, your story tying it all together, the signatures genuine. I think it's a pretty neat piece of football memorabilia. So, what do you think it's worth?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you say for certain 100% that it came from that game? Well, your story's great. This stuff helps. It's still a leap of faith. And I'd still put that value right about $2,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rick popped in. I wasn't too surprised. He comes to me every now and then. But I was surprised by what he brought me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There are less than a dozen signatures of Shoeless Joe that everyone can agree upon. So if this is another one, this is a really big deal. So you wanted to know about the book, right? Yea. Uh, so it's an anthology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it covers, uh, different essays about the darker side of sports. There are essays in here from people like Ernest Hemingway, PG Woodhouse, so some great names. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they're all reprints too, so the Hemingway originally appeared in his Death in the Afternoon, and so it's a reprint from that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So as far as the book goes, you're not looking at a whole lot of value in the book even as a first edition. Alright. It's worth only about 50 bucks. Uh, but the signature, that changes things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If this signature is real, this is by far one of the craziest things you've brought to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what I have here is one of the only Joe Jackson signatures that all the authenticators can agree upon. So you can see how shaky it is. With someone who's not practiced at writing, they're not going to have the same muscles to be precise in their hand. So look at the J here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You see how it's got a curl? And you see how it's kind of moving a little bit? This one almost looks a little smoother on top especially. Look at the A. This A here he was struggling with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This one looks like a pretty normal A that someone would just do. And then the K here goes straight into an O, whereas this, the K, he tries to do the loop, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Possibly, and that's one of the reasons why all authenticators don't agree on every Joe Jackson signature.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But the key with this one is that it's just too neat in its attempt to look messy. I'm not convinced that it's real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can get the consensus of the community, then you would still be good to go. Alright, thanks. You're welcome. Alright, talk to you later. Sorry, Rick. In my opinion, the signature is not real.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt terrible telling Rick that he had made possibly a $13,000 mistake. That's not news you want to give to anyone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is there truly a more pathetic franchise than the Cleveland Browns? A culmination of years upon years upon years of bad trades, drafting, and management decisions is finally upon them.


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[Assistant] They have a chance for dubious immortality at 0-16, tying the 2008 Detroit Lions for gross incompetence on the football field.


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[Assistant] If you follow NFL football, they need no introduction.


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[Assistant] If not, here's a brief dossier of what happened to their franchise in the mid-1990s.


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[Assistant] I mean, they got their franchise back. Drew Carey was on the field pumping up the dog pound. They got their quarterback of the future in Tim Couch. Truly, they would be on their way to returning to football relevance. And then they get shit stomped in their home opener by the Steelers.


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[Assistant] First round pick decides to be a fucking idiot, crashes motorcycle in parking lot.


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[Assistant] First round, Pick decides to be a fucking idiot, gets into numerous confrontations with the law.


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[Assistant] I fucking hate the browns! I hate the browns so goddamn much! Staff infections! More staff infections!


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[Assistant] Sign the top center of the free agent class, who suffers a career ending injury on the first play of training camp.


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[Assistant] Signing perennial underachiever Dwayne Bowe for nine million dollars. To make five catches. Five.


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[Assistant] A revolving carousel of head coaches, general managers, and quarterbacks.


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[Assistant] Oh wait, he re-injured himself walking to the podium, nevermind. And that's just some of the more egregious stuff from the Revived Browns. Let's not even get into the draft.


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[Assistant] Let's draft a quarterback and let him get completely pummeled and destroy his confidence. Make him so forgettable that fans cheer him being injured.


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[Assistant] Let's draft the big-name defensive end. We will be incredibly shocked when he's nowhere near as good as advertised.


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[Assistant] A defensive tackle that perfectly epitomizes the Browns. Zero fucks given.


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[Assistant] Big game wide receiver? Yes please! Only one teensy little problem. He's not exactly the greatest teammate. And he can't really catch.


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[Assistant] Linebacker! And he doesn't suck! Let's trade him!


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[Assistant] Show, Thomas! And let's trade next year's first for another quarterback! Now, Don. Yes, you are, Brady. You were done the moment you put on a Browns jersey.


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[Assistant] One of the best first round picks Cleveland has ever made. No one.


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[Assistant] It is truly a sight to behold. Like a horrific car crash. And for good measure, let's draft a 28-year-old quarterback in the first round. That won't backfire at all.


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[Assistant] An underachieving linebacker. Let's trade him for scraps.


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[Assistant] Two radioactive cancers for the price of one? Sold! They have major maturity issues and may not actually care about football? Who cares? We've got Johnny Fucking Football! What's that? We spent six figures on an analysis of the best quarterback in the draft, and they said it was Teddy Bridgewater.


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[Assistant] The human turnstile known as Kam Irving and Danny Shelton with the magical power to instantly disappear.


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[Assistant] This team has been managed by lolcows. Some of the players have been colossal lolcows, and they make knee-jerk decisions, which are usually made by lolcows. They are, as a collective,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A gigantic LOL cow. Even when they try to cheat, they are unbelievably incompetent. This team is where players and coaches go to die. The city has become so radioactive to football players and coaches, you would think you were in Chernobyl. And the sad part is, I don't believe this is ending soon. Why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This man. The low-cal version of Jerry Jones. Say what you will about Jerry, the man helped to build a dynasty in the 1990s. What has Haslam accomplished? Scandals and corruption. He wanted to go in guns-a-blazing and change everything. And he did. Nearly every single year.


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[Assistant] The man has been through more head coaches in his tenure than the Pittsburgh Steelers have had in almost 50 years. Hey, maybe I'll be wrong if we can look back on this video as an archive of what was. Honestly?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I want them to start winning. It's about time we look at the Browns as more than a recurring punchline, that their once incredible rivalries with the Steelers and Bengals can actually be competitive again.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And create another massive rivalry with the Baltimore Ravens. I think a well-run Browns franchise would be great for football. If Donald Trump can become president,


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[Assistant] Oh, capitals, capitals, capitals. I don't even need a long diatribe on how pathetic your team is. I'll let history speak for itself.


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[Assistant] You have an outstanding regular season, and you reach the second round of the playoffs. Have a trophy. And you get curb stomped by the Islanders in that round. Get used to this losing. Nearly every single year of the 80s.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my mother of god, you actually did it. You made to the Stanley Cup finals. What a special team this was. Peter Bondra, Sergey Gonshar, Oli the goalie. This would be a nice team to win the cup.


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[Assistant] Garbage that got you a transcendent talent in Alex Ovechkin! Maybe you'll actually win a Stanley Cup this time around!


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[Assistant] Congratulations, you once again got swept in the second round.


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[Assistant] Okay, this should finally be the year. President's Trophy winner by a landslide. Improved depth on the wings. God mode of Genikus Netsubo. Fezen, a trophy-winning goaltender. For the love of God, this has to be the year!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Their fans get PTSD over hearing the words penguins, islanders, and rangers, which is justified since those teams have owned them like slaves. I would drink the tears and misery of Caps fans everywhere, but unfortunately they have no guts.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, what the general manager admitted, the final year they can really push for a cup run before they have to retool everything. So they should-


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[Assistant] The Metro Division is stacked this year. Well, here's to hoping you actually beat the Pens in the series. Don't worry, Ovi. Someday you'll make it to the third round of the playoffs. Someday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is with football teams in California being total laughingstocks? The Raiders were one of the premier lolcows of the last decade, and the Chargers and 49ers I've already gone over. It's the Wildfires, isn't it? That or Sony Pictures has corrupted the entire state. Unfortunately, that's not enough suffering. Today, we have a new challenger!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rams are back in Los Angeles, a home where the nostalgia had worn off in roughly four weeks time.


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[Assistant] It's as if they realized that for a team to be endearing to the local populace, they have to be somewhat good. The Rams are the antithesis of this thinking. The team as a whole has been, at best, totally forgettable for about 15 years. Remember those days where the greatest show on turf laid waste to stadiums across the land?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Those were some awesome teams, weren't they? Now all they have to lay their hat on is completely wasting the career of Steven Jackson. The only time this team has been notable are for things that have happened off of the damn field.


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[Assistant] And in typical Rams fashion, they fucked it up.


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[Assistant] They drafted a guy who can't throw a football if his life depended on it. At least RG3 had that spectacular rookie season before injuries ruined him.


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[Assistant] Jared Goff has the potential to be a bust this league hasn't seen since Jamarcus Russell. He's that terrible. You look at some of his game film and you shit bricks as to how people saw him as a top draft pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Of course, some of this blame has to go on former head coach Jeff Fisher, who was honestly a perfect fit for the Rams. Both of them haven't been relevant since the early 2000s. He had been at the helm in St. Louis since 2012, leading the team to four years of total mediocrity.


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[Assistant] Then the whole situation got murky. He signed a secret extension before the season even started, and then gets fired two weeks after the extension got leaked. I'm not fucking going seven and nine. He's right. He went four and nine. Oh, snap!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Truly makes this team into a malignant tumor on the NFL, however, is their owner, Stan Kronke. The longer you look into his history and actions as owner, the more you see him as a colossal piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, what you are seeing is Crunky throwing the entire city under the goddamn bus.


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[Assistant] St. Louis, let's be honest, you're lucky he didn't accept. You don't deserve this man dangling you and your money by a string. He is a top hat and a twirly mustache away from being a stereotypical villain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He then used the powers of eminent domain to end their leases and give those pesky people the bandhammer, eventually culminating in one of the former owners committing suicide.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For what he did to those landowners in Texas, fans of the Rams, and the entire city of St. Louis. The cracks are already showing this year.


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[Assistant] It's mediocrity. There are far too many options for them to spend their entertainment dollar to waste their time with the lifeless 4 and 12 Rams. Even with a solid defense and Todd Gurley, they will continue to rot with allegations of apathy and malcontent.


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[Assistant] All I can hope for is for someone to rip off Stan's hairpiece to reveal tiny man-hating aliens inside. Controlling a soulless husk of a man. That would actually make a lot of sense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you ready for frustrating and hair pulling action?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Last year, we're not going to talk about that. The offense will be able to do things now. Our pitching is godlike. Brace yourself for all of the glorious talent on the Mets this year. Ioannis Sespedes. The real deal Neil Walker. Curtis Granderson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The land of lusts, lights, and lies. Where the washed-up celebrities are as common as the bright-eyed does wandering into this unforgiving wasteland of steel and concrete. At Staples Center, the Lakers are one of these washed-up celebs. In their heyday, they were a box office giant, a pioneer of the hardwood that created rivalries, memories, and legends for all time. Today, that's all they can cling on to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A team long avoiding the pits of despair had bought an apartment in the-


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[Assistant] This woman with her logic and reasoning would bring in great gods of all- Let's cut out the bullshit. They brought in some old names from the Lakers' glory days. You thought Phil Jackson on the Knicks was bad? Try bringing on Magic Johnson. A man who has shown no signs or skills that would indicate success at the executive level. A czar with the keys to a kingdom he has no experience running.


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[Assistant] At least you can argue his right-hand man would be someone decent, but fuck logic, they brought in Kobe's old agent and Rob Palenka. So now they've handed the keys to a Lamborghini to a bunch of 16-year-old boys who've never driven a car.


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[Assistant] They did end up getting rid of that awful Mazhkov contract, but they had to dangle D'Angelo Russell for them to take it. It did net them Kyle Kuzma, though. Small consolation. The Lakers were still out of the playoffs, but they were better. They had promising pieces. Lonzo Ball, Brandon Ingram, Julius Randall, Kyle Kuzma. You get a few big guns in there and you've got yourselves a strong team. Magic felt the same way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This offseason was going to shake the NBA so much that it will register as a 9 on the Richter scale.


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[Assistant] In fact, if they failed, Magic was going to end his career in front of Staples Center. Look at all of the names they could get. Paul George, local product, has dreamed of playing for the Lakers since he was a boy, a perfect fit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To go right back to Oklahoma City. PG-13 chose playing second fiddle to a glorified stat pad over going to the Lakers. That should say it all.


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[Assistant] It doesn't matter if LeBron is accomplished, LA doesn't give a fuck unless it was done in their city. He's latter stage Kobe without any of the capital that Kobe had built up over the years. Even then, the season had yet to begin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Around that time, the executives above came to the realization that they needed more names than star power. Perfect for them, they had a unibrow they could grow.


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[Assistant] Anthony Davis was tired of the Pelicans and their incompetence. He demanded a trade to a real team, a true contender for championship glory. The Lakers were that. They had the pieces to do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You talk about overpayments, the Lakers ended up offering the entire team to New Orleans!


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[Assistant] It was pure desperation, and only a fool would reject such an offer. Unfortunately, Del Demps was a fool and laughed in their faces. Del sacrificed his career for IRL shitposting. A true hero for us all. L.A. laid down their hand for all to see, and it failed miserably. However, they had another play to call.


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[Assistant] They too know the rumor. They saw what happened in Cleveland. There were already countless whispers about Luke Walton being a terrible coach and should be fired for one of LeBron's puppets. The rest of the team was absolutely lost at this point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was some playoff mode, LeBron. Your reward is missing the final games of the season thanks to that nagging groin injury. A season filled with hope and stars aplenty burned into nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Magic and Palinka failed to walk any of their talk over the past year. And blood had to be shed.


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[Assistant] Luke Walton has pretty much been under the coach to be fired category for roughly a year, so let's just set him free to go to Sacramento, and then be alleged of sexual assault. We all laughed for a moment, but it would get worse for LA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way worse. Magic Johnson had enough of being... whatever he did and resigned from his post to sit around and do nothing. His only legacy will be in the relentless accusations of tampering he did by discussing other team's stars. Let's get one thing completely clear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Magic Johnson had none of the core skills or character traits to be an executive. He's a man who was more interested in protecting and promoting his own image instead of developing a team. Once again, I don't know where his responsibilities started or ended. All I know is that he went on television to throw everyone else under the bus. It was no way his fault, even for the alleged bullying he did to his underlings. You know who blames everyone else for their own demise? Failures.


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[Assistant] That's something special. In no way am I siding with Rob Polinka in this affair. If magic statements are true, he's nothing more than a snake in the grass who only cares about his own well-being. A man who would lie to his mother and stab her in the back to move up in the world. The real answer is probably somewhere in the middle.


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[Assistant] They are both at fault for the shit show on display. There was no synergy with this crew, just a game plan of get big names and that was it.


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[Assistant] Why is Kurt Rambis even here? What are his qualifications, being a terrible head coach and lingering as a role player on the 80s teams? Perhaps their first candidate in Monty Williams saw this and noped the fuck out of there.


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[Assistant] In this time frame, Genie Bus can be made a perfect model of female empowerment. She shows that women can be just as incompetent as men are as executives. I honestly don't see a difference between her and her previously maligned brother Jim.


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[Assistant] I see you laughing at them behind their back. But what if I were to tell you this pathetic basement dwelling franchise stripped bare once had incredible hopes for their future, with an owner that would stop at nothing to get a taste of World Series glory, with crowds roaring and hungry for it as well.


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[Assistant] Our tale begins with the Detroit Tigers hitting rock bottom as a franchise. Quite literally. This year was the culmination of years upon years of poor management and allegedly neglectful ownership by Mike Illich. So many awful drafts that the dead prospects could fill a canyon.


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[Assistant] There are only two legacies in that time being a no-advice trade for Wangan and Bobby Higginson's terrible contract. A bare-bones operation with no real excuses to be totally awful.


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[Assistant] Somewhere along the line, Mike Gillich had a change of heart about the Tigers. Maybe it was becoming content with his cherished red wings fulfilling his ambitions in the hockey realm.


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[Assistant] He wanted a World Series Championship, whatever the cause. Bringing in a proven and reputable executive like Dave Dombrowski would definitely help. For him, this wouldn't be like Montreal or Miami. He wouldn't be hampered by shoestring budgets. This offseason would prove it to them.


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[Assistant] They would reload the franchise with great haste. It began with splash acquisitions to flush the team with talent. They nabbed in particular an elite prize in punch, Rodriguez, and an unheralded infielder from Seattle named Carlos Guillen. Over the next few years, they would be better, but still middling. Even with huge acquisitions like Maglio Ordonies, they still needed more.


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[Assistant] Alan Trammell wasn't going to cut it as a manager. Prospects were starting to emerge, but they needed the right hand to guide them. A gruff, no-nonsense, old school legend in Jim Leland.


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[Assistant] Years of basement-dwelling perpetual ridiculence scorned by the baseball world was thrown to the wayside. The Detroit Tigers were back. The awful 2003 season had a consolation prize, drafting a burgeoning ace to call their own in Justin Verlander.


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[Assistant] Curtis Granderson, another farmhand to keep an eye on for the future. The moves made over the past few years leading to a stunning revelation.


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[Assistant] The Cardinals had other plans. The so-called de facto champion was declawed and tamed in five games. The bats lay silent. Their pitching humiliated by a career journeyman in David Eckstein.


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[Assistant] Their outstanding season filled with a sour aftertaste. The championship glory would have to be put on hold.


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[Assistant] This series loss would only embolden Illich to push harder. His ambitions were within his grasp. All he had to do was reach for it. Taking on the massive contract of Gary Sheffield and extending it would only help matters. Even coming off a significant wrist injury, the glory was well worth the risk. 2007 had great expectations for the Tigers, yet they took a step back.


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[Assistant] A team that had a shoestring budget five years earlier now had one of the richest payrolls in baseball, a clear playoff contender. They would implode.


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[Assistant] All they had to do was beat the twins once and they would make it into the playoffs.


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[Assistant] They still struggled. A collapse in July hampered them and they never truly recovered from it. More bolstering was needed in the form of Joaquin Benoit, Doug Pfister, and Victor Martinez. 2011 was going to be make or break for Detroit. They finally broke through again.


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[Assistant] Game 6 turned into a massacre. The team had failed them.


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[Assistant] The answer for Illich was clear as crystal. He needed more. This offseason even more island nations would be expunged of value to fund the Tiger's War Machine.


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[Assistant] Carlos Guillen and Maglio Ordonez would be rendered obsolete. Victor Martinez would be out for the season and his hitting needed to be replaced. They splurged on another prize-free agent.


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[Assistant] Nonetheless, Detroit's further descent into freespending madness would continue.


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[Assistant] In 2013, there would be no excuses. The championship is Detroit's to win, regardless of who had to pay if they didn't. The talent on the roster was quite possibly the best in team history. Miguel Cabral with a career year with a stick earning the MVP award. 5 players with batting averages over 300.


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[Assistant] Surviving the athletics in the ALDS again is one thing, but then, more heartbreak.


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[Assistant] Falling to the Red Sox by means of two towering Grand Slabs. They had failed yet again.


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[Assistant] All of their spending and talent, yet they still can't get over that hump.


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[Assistant] The new manager Brad Osmas will take on a more new age approach.


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[Assistant] Once again, the Detroit Tigers were loaded. Instead of aces, they had a rotation full of Cy Young contenders, splurging at the deadline for David Price to give them the final piece to their puzzle. JD Martinez emerging as a legit masher to be Prince Fielder better than he ever could. A totally revamped ball pad.


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[Assistant] They may have had fewer wins than 2013, but don't let that deceive you.


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[Assistant] They wouldn't even win a game in the playoffs. Swept by the Baltimore Orioles in humiliating fashion. At this point, logic and execution have to be questioned.


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[Assistant] Almost a decade burned at attempting to win a World Series, yet they have nothing to show for it. Their lust for glory was corrupting them.


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[Assistant] Mike Illich was descending into a desperate madness. Justin Verlander given a massive contract extension in 2013, taking him to his mid-30s. Victor Martinez extended until 39.


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[Assistant] Miguel Cabrera, he got a gigantic contract until he's 40, trading Porcello for a rental in Ioannis Cespedes. They probably would have signed Max Scherzer if the Nationals didn't throw even more money at him.


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[Assistant] They were sacrificing their long-term health for a shot at tasting the World Series again. It would fade to near nothing this in 2015. The team fell apart yet again.


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[Assistant] Dave Dombrowski saw the writing on the wall and began trading key pieces for prospects. David Price, Joaquin Suri, and Joana Cespedes all sold at the deadline. However, Mike Illich wasn't interested in logic. His time was running short on this earth. He didn't want to hear about how the best championship years were lost and they needed to rebuild. He still believed in his ambition.


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[Assistant] Dave Dombrowski as punishment was released from his contract five days later. Dombrowski committed the greatest sin in Mike's eyes. He told him the truth.


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[Assistant] At this point, insanity had consumed Mr. Iceman's noble ambitions. He just wanted someone that would deliver him his long-awaited title. More exuberant contracts were given to Justin Upton and Jordan Zimmerman in the offseason. Logic beat damn.


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[Assistant] Despite doing everything in his power to make sure his dream would be a reality, it would not come to pass. Ironically, as Elitch died, it seemed as if the team died with him.


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[Assistant] The Tigers imploded on the field, the expensive stars that flooded the roster falling apart due to age or declining ability. Dombrowski's inclinations would prove true. The World Series dreams were dead. The disassembly and long rebuild would begin.


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[Assistant] A castaway surrounded by nothing but ocean for miles around him.


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[Assistant] They may have taken a severe downturn as well, but they were champions multiple times over. His teams of the 90s and early 2000s will forever be remembered in history as one of the great dynasties of their era. For the Tigers, there was no closure.


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[Assistant] The only legacy they'll be remembered by in the future is one of the great failures in modern sports. Over a billion dollars spent on player contracts to get them a championship.


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[Assistant] The final reward being a 1-8 record in the World Series. The only comforts fans would have are of the bittersweet variety. Longtime ace Justin Verlander finally winning a World Series in 2017. With Houston.


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[Assistant] In 2018, even more former Tigers won with Boston.


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[Assistant] His contract's still to be paid until 2023 and is already looking to be one of the worst in the major leagues. You may look at this and laugh at their despair. I say they are a tragedy worthy of Shakespeare.


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[Assistant] Hey, how can I help you? I have a couple rare baseball items here. What I have is John McGraw and Joe DiMaggio.


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[Assistant] I came to the pawn shop today to try to sell my 1963 Hall of Fame bust molds. They were used to make little plastic figures of Joe DiMaggio and John McGraw. I've been collecting sports memorabilia for over 30 years, and I'd just like to move some of this stuff out.


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[Assistant] Yeah, the 56 game hitting streak in 1941, which still holds up to today.


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[Assistant] 1891, the dead ball era. Was he the guy they called Napoleon? It's little Napoleon, he was five foot seven. That kicked out of more games than anyone else in baseball? Yea, I believe it's 132 games he was the most kicked out.


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[Assistant] I'll take 1300. Okay, I'll meet you right up front and we'll do the paperwork.


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[Assistant] I'm walking out of the pawn shop today with $1,300 and I'm very happy. It's gonna go on my kids college education fund.


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[Assistant] Nolan Aronato's time as a Rocky. It's all but over as the Rockies have agreed to trade the All-Star third baseman to the St. Louis Cardinals tonight.


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[Assistant] True trades, excellent player development, and pieces that fit the needs of the team have made them into a legitimate contender.


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[Assistant] And the forward-thinking Raze were one step ahead by rewarding him with an incredible 11-year contract that should match its value quickly. There is no evidence that the Raze will be falling off any time soon. And they should be respected for that. But this foundation masks a deep scar. Despite these bountiful harvests, people haven't shown up in support. It's been their core issue for a long time.


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[Assistant] The number of sold tickets is cratered to nine and a half thousand per game.


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[Assistant] Game 2 was closer to a sellout, but that may have been because fans from Boston made the trip down. They never got another chance after that. And that may have been for the best. Here's the major issue I have with their attendance woes. This is a good baseball team.


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[Assistant] It's a soulless cavern that harkens back to the dull domes of the 80s, where astroturf and ACL tears were the norm.


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[Assistant] It's been consistently ranked as one of the worst stadiums in baseball for god knows how long. And nobody's coming there for an experience. Ownership's argument is concise. They need a new stadium. If they don't get it here, they'll get it elsewhere. They're hemorrhaging money due to it.


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[Assistant] Once again, on the surface, it's an easy assumption to make that fans don't care about the race. If they had, people would still show up to games because the team is good. But I wanna ask you a question. Are you familiar with where Tropicana Field is?


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[Assistant] Now if the stadium were relatively easy to get to, it wouldn't be much of a problem, but they're on a coastline with a base sandwiched in between cities.


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[Assistant] Not to mention that Tropicana is near the southernmost tip of the peat with no way to get to it in any other direction.


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[Assistant] The only way to get between cities is by car on three bridges. The major one being the Howard Franklin Bridge.


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[Assistant] The others are gandy, bridge to the south, a two lane overpass on both sides.


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[Assistant] And the Courtney Campbell Bridge to the north, a four-liner that's used more for a connection to Clearwater, not St. Petersburg.


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[Assistant] Let's suppose you wanted to leave from your office in downtown Tampa for a game during rush hour. That's at least a half hour drive, if you're lucky.


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[Assistant] If you're further up in a suburb like Citrus Park, Goldsmar, or Land O' Lakes, it might be up to 45 minutes on an average day.


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[Assistant] And that's not considering traffic near the trap being more intense during game days. Would you want to drive that long to get there?


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[Assistant] Buccaneers and Lightning are there and have had little trouble filling up seats when they're good. Tampa is a passionate sports city.


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[Assistant] Which would have been perfect not only for fans in Tampa, but potential corporate interests as well. But then you look at the proposed design of the stadium itself.


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[Assistant] I'm going to give you some time to figure out what's wrong with this from the get-go. Have you figured it out yet? It's a glass dome. In the middle of Florida.


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[Assistant] Do you have any idea how much they're going to be spending not just in maintenance, but in HVAC costs?


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[Assistant] They'd have serious problems trying to maintain temperature with such a design. Then there was the whole question of who the hell was going to pay for it.


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[Assistant] Not good when a project falls through before it can even get off the ground. We must also consider the St. Petersburg Dilemma. They are really goddamn petty when it comes to the Rays.


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[Assistant] So with all sides of this conflict caught up in a dick-measuring contest, it seems like Sternberg and company threw their hands in the air and decided that they didn't want to try that hard on a solution.


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[Assistant] It's now allegedly impossible for them to keep the raids in the area full-time. But St. Petersburg won't let them out of their lease early. So the answer is to simply fence it. They want to go half-seize with another city.


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[Assistant] As much as I wanna laugh at it outright, I'll give it some consideration. I guess it could work if it's done properly.


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[Assistant] This is quite possibly the dumbest scheme I've heard in a long time, and it's not just because of the Half-City model.


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[Assistant] Do they have any idea what kind of bullshit Montreal to put up with when the Expos were there? How many times baseball itself has fucked over the city?


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[Assistant] Decades of god-awful ownership that blew up the team every chance it got? Repeated failures on the field?


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[Assistant] They've been railroaded so hard that Montrealers abandoned the sport like it had abandoned them. Scars of 1994 run deep.


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[Assistant] If they thought Tropicana was bad, oh boy are they in for a rude awakening. That place was terrible for baseball when it opened. What else do they do? Roll Molson Stadium into a baseball field?


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[Assistant] A hostile takeover of Park Jari from the clutches of tennis?


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[Assistant] The only way Montreal will accept baseball again is if the Expos come back full-time in a new stadium. Anything else will be seen as a two-bit floozy.


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[Assistant] The raised brass will ramble about how this is an innovative and groundbreaking enterprise, but it honestly isn't. This half-season jet setting has been done before.


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[Assistant] So their idea was to spend half the year in KC and the other part in Omaha, Nebraska in a larger arena. They were called the Kansas City Omaha Kings.


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[Assistant] The Rays would have to sell them on trying to share an identity when Tampa and Montreal are as different as milk and rock. There are only similarities that they're in the same damn time zone. The Rays speak in ultimatums.


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[Assistant] As if this half-baked scheme is the only way the team is going to remain in Tampa all together, but I see right through it. You're not as smart as you think you are, Sto. We know what you're trying to pull.


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[Assistant] You want a few more bucks from Tampa and St. Petersburg while triple-dipping in both MLB revenue sharing and any potential public funding from another city. Who do you think you are? A French royal declaring that the poor can eat cake as they starve? Guess what buddy, you can't have your cake and eat it too.


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[Assistant] A performer that tries to please everybody will leave no one satisfied. This is what the Rays are trying to do.


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[Assistant] And they will more than likely fall flat on their faces doing so.


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[Assistant] Baseball will probably play along with it because Rob Manfred is a spineless cuck and the potential for a few extra bucks is there. But the damage to an already damaged brand will be severe.


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[Assistant] When I speak of the Rays, I have no issues with the players, the fans, or how they run their baseball ops. Those parts of the team are to be respected.


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[Assistant] But I sincerely hope that they fail miserably in all aspects for as long as they try this bullshit. They are leaving several cities out to dry. They are not negotiating in good faith.


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[Assistant] And their efforts not only cast a dark cloud on the team, but on the sport as a whole.


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[Assistant] Ideally, Stuart Sternberg would be flung into the Gulf of Mexico for a savior that will move the team to Tampa proper, where they will flourish with a new stadium. However, that seems to be a pipe dream at this point in time. Just remember this. The problem isn't with the fans in Tampa Bay. It's the organization itself. The endless road offers no rest for the weary. The Rays will learn this the hard way. I hope for their sake they recognize the error of their ways before then.


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[Assistant] Because there's nothing better to ignore the long simmering outrage of sports fans than the everyday headphones courtesy of today's sponsor, Raycon.


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[Assistant] It's all in the noise-isolating goodness that Raycons provide, be it in their earbuds or headphones.


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[Assistant] Me personally, I prefer that over ear comfort while I'm moving around the house, but perhaps earbuds are more your fancy for life on the go.


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[Assistant] Maybe you prefer the three customizable sound profiles or easier tap functions.


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[Assistant] And the best part is, with Raycon starting at roughly half the price of other major brands, you don't have to be an out-of-touch owner to experience this type of piece or audio quality.


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[Assistant] You can ignore brutal reality one song or podcast at a time. The link in the description, you can get 20% off your order as well.


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[Assistant] Go to buyraycon.com slash utree for this offer AND free shipping. I like forcing myself to relax in the face of adversity.


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[Assistant] Now as I should know, Raycons are part of this unbalanced act of basketball. Now get ready for the greatest story ever told.


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[Assistant] Can you smell the success in the air? I don't know if it's that or carbon monoxide poison. The latter might be more tolerable to some.


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[Assistant] The Detroit Pistons are one of the teams in professional sports.


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[Assistant] An inspiration to every John, Jane, and Joseph who dreams of aiming love.


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[Assistant] Fancying themselves as a welfare leech detrimental to society.


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[Assistant] Engorge at the great trough of complacency and rocks.


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[Assistant] So what say you, dear viewer? Will you join us on this journey of sheer secitude?


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[Assistant] You've turned into this mockumentary wondering to yourself, what are the Detroit Pistons all about? What makes this team special?


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[Assistant] Well for that, you don't have to look far. At one point in time, the Pistons were a winning franchise. I think seven NBA Finals appearances throughout their history. Twenty-four alumni enshrined in the Hall of Fame. A proud group and respectable foe all the same. Their results were nothing to scoff at.


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[Assistant] Three different decades of championship success, the bad boys of the 80s, the 2004 Miracle Run, Traitor Jack. Yet all good things must come to an end.


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[Assistant] With the Pistons, it ended with Bill Davidson ascending to Heavenly Prestige Mode.


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[Assistant] After this tragic passing, the legend of old had to evolve as well.


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[Assistant] Just get rid of all those pesky traits of the team. And you have the Pistons of today. A team that features the elite of basketball. Cade Cunningham. Jaden Ivy. And some other shit.


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[Assistant] Whoa, they found Marvin Bagley and James Wiseman out of the dumpster? Remember when everyone thought they'd be good? Oh, those were indeed the days.


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[Assistant] Just like the times when Detroit would make the playoffs to get absolutely pasted by real teams.


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[Assistant] It harkens to the days of grand experiments like that of Blake Griffin!


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[Assistant] Bursting out the seams to take claim of the NBA's elite with an unbelievable 2-and-1 record.


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[Assistant] Seeing an opportunity to fill a needed void, Detroit would gloriously lose game after game after game.


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[Assistant] After game, after hilariously bad game. Not only losing, but being repeatedly blown out of Moby Dick's whale hole.


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[Assistant] Against elite teams, they lose. Against bottom feeders, they lose.


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[Assistant] Against under man teams, any competent team should beat they lose. Can you count the consecutive losses they accrue? 28.


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[Assistant] Breaking records and breaking hearts. The secret recipe is that they aren't deliberately tanking, they just suck.


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[Assistant] Sadly, the Raptors aren't fans of chasing history and had just traded Oji and Anobi to the Knicks. Detroit was allowed to win for the first time in two months. Like throughout most of their history, Toronto ruins everything.


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[Assistant] Is it entirely his fault? Not exactly, he's doing his best sabotaging effort, but let's be fair, Prime Greg Popovich couldn't salvage this singing ship.


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[Assistant] So often they turn over the ball and get personal fouls, I can see the entire coaching staff age in real time.


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[Assistant] The Pistons are paying this man 13 million dollars a season. The largest contract for a coach in NBA history to watch a team beat dog shit.


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[Assistant] Your coaching stock is going to spiral into nothing like Dwayne Casey before him and you'll accept it with a smile on your face. Bearing reality, the team would defend their honor.


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[Assistant] The Pistons were to win 26 bad. Just listen to the crowd showcase their approval.


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[Assistant] If only you could short sell a basketball franchise, those fans would be rich. Who needs Nvidia stock when Detroit's around? Speaking of business...


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[Assistant] Unless you're a complete curmudgeon, it's a fruitful enterprise for all parties.


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[Assistant] Think of the promotional possibilities of such a combination.


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[Assistant] Ground control to Major Tom. Are you gonna do anything to fix this? The answer is most likely no. But the team will make some random trades.


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[Assistant] Boyan Bogdanovich, congratulations, you're free of this horrible purgatory.


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[Assistant] Sadly, not many else are with Major Tom holding the strings. I forgot to introduce you, this beloved man is Tom Gores, the owner of this illustrious club.


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[Assistant] Most likely with a public execution at half-court by a man wearing Rep. Hamilton's mask. But the chance for redemption is at hand. What should Tom Gores do?


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[Assistant] A. Stop throwing money at poor person outfits. B. Give a proper shit about team performance. Or C. Sell the team. If you answered any of these, you're raw. He'll do none of them.


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[Assistant] Don't worry though, Pistons fans, change is coming! Probably in the form of nickels and dimes.


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[Assistant] Think of what this team does for the community for crying out loud. Winning isn't all a franchise can do, you know.


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[Assistant] The season winding down, what will this organization think of next? Rebuilding a rebuild of a failed rebuild? Cherish this majesty.


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[Assistant] The greatest accomplishment in at least fifteen years.


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[Assistant] In the NFL, most statistics for fans have been geared toward offensive skill players, leaving a gap in understanding defensive strategies. To address this, the NFL's Next Gen Stats team and the AWS Machine Learning Solutions Lab built a first-of-its-kind AI system.


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[Assistant] That can now identify eight different types of man and zone defensive coverages.


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[Assistant] Teaching a computer to see and understand what's happening on defense is incredibly hard. To correctly identify these defenses, the technology needs to be able to factor in variables, like how defenders line up before the snap, disguising coverages,


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[Assistant] Adjusting to offensive flair movement once the ball is snapped, flair acceleration, and even blown coverage assignments.


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[Assistant] Built on AWS SageMaker, it incorporates a custom module for complex temporal data and combines multiple independently trained AI models to handle data,


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[Assistant] By using AI and new advanced analytics to make these predictions, AWS and the NFL are broadening awareness of defensive metrics and bringing fans one step closer into the huddle.


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[Assistant] With attacking zones, they're now getting visual support in doing so. The new match fact is dividing the last third of the pitch into four equally sized attacking zones. Every time one of those zones is entered, either via dribbling or a pass,


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[Assistant] The algorithm counts an attack and displays it in the graphic.


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[Assistant] With this new match fact, it's easier to identify the preferred location of the team's attacks.


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[Assistant] He's actually front page of Nintendo Switch Sports. What was the meme that they used to use? BeefBossRTXOn? Is that still relevant enough that I can say that? Because that is exactly what Nintendo...


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[Assistant] I wonder if Nintendo added him to this game to get me to play another video on this game. How do I get-


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[Assistant] Is that how I get fits and accessories?


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[Assistant] How do I get the burger? I'm just this basic girl now. That's, that's not what I want to be. New this week. Well, how do I get Mr. Crispy Burger? Crispy Burger, by the way. Who the hell says that? How do I get Crispy Burger? Okay. What is this? Cool collection. Okay. Hamburger collection. Okay. There we go. Well, how the hell do I put it on now? Completion bonus. Completion of what?


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[Assistant] Complete, what do you want me to complete? A game, one game? Like what, what, what, how do I complete? 34 of 100. Is that top right thing? I think that top right amount.


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[Assistant] Man, they could make that way more clear how to get this stuff.


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[Assistant] Like this is about as clear as diarrhea toilet water.


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[Assistant] I think I have to get to a hundred points, a hundred present points to unlock.


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[Assistant] But then that probably just unlocks the first one. Whatever. I'm playing Badminton because there's a 1.2 multiplier. A whole 20% extra if I can actually manage to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Darn, are you gonna give me like a good game or something? That's exactly what a bot would do right about now. Well, maybe he actually was a real person. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's, here's our, here's our present bonus. Oh, 43, Jesus, that was actually a lot.


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[Assistant] You can now choose up to three sports. Choosing multiple sports means you'll find a match faster. Oh, that's a- that's a good idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See, probably a bot. I'm gonna guess a bot, but that's fine. I feel way better playing against a bot than an actual person.


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[Assistant] I don't know whose asshole I was sucking to get that one counted as in. But I, thank you, whoever did that.


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[Assistant] I, I feel, I feel like Serena out here right now.


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[Assistant] That is awful. The only reason why they've gotten points is because I screw myself with the front beef boss.


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[Assistant] Thank you Julie, I love you. Even if you're a bot.


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[Assistant] I still love you. That should give us hella exp- although we gave them 3 points. Should've been 7 and nothing in reality.


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[Assistant] Times 1.2. Oh yea, that's not as much. But, it's still enough. Plus 1. Fuck, I want this. Oh, and you only-


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[Assistant] Oh my god, we're gonna be at this for years to get this whole set? Oh my goodness.


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[Assistant] At least we got the outfit, which is like the best thing that isn't the actual whole thing. Crispy burger.


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[Assistant] And we have the mean face. It's like we're cheating to get the whole outfit with that one. Uh oh. This actually looks, this must be a real person. This isn't a bot, so we're about to get put to the test if I'm actually good. Or if the bots were just gassing me up. Look at my crispy burger outfit. It looks incredibly hot. It looks like exactly what you... Alright! Jessie! Thank you! I love you!


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[Assistant] This is the best opponent ever! Thank you, Jessie! Watch this person just fricking come, come like, out of the world now.


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[Assistant] Nope, nevermind. That wasn't their plan either. Their plan was to just lose. How many points? Only 30? The game must- Oh, an event?


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[Assistant] I thought I had her for 30 seconds there, and suddenly the thing just flew again.


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[Assistant] Ooh, beatbox is a bit of a badminton king if you ask me. The key is to keep the badminton yellow when you hit it. If you're the yellow, like, cropdusting, you're the, you're, you're on the offensive. When you're blue, you're in the poo.


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[Assistant] BEARS IN MY ASS WHEN YOU'RE FRICKIN' YOU GET BLUED!


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[Assistant] Whatever, that game should have been over, frickin', at least two minutes ago. We would have probably gotten a million, oh, we still got 30. I think you get 30, oh, late rally, ooooh. Oooooh. We got some super points there. Alright, burger body, burger body, burger body. Wait, no. Wait, how? What does a vintage tennis racket have to do with?


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[Assistant] Burger. And also how is there like a blue face mask? Face? Face mask is part of the burger bundle. What does that have to do with a burger? She might know what she's doing.


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[Assistant] Yeah, she does. See, we should've-


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[Assistant] See, I should've, I should've, I should've. Oh my god.


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[Assistant] I was just about to release my frickin' nunchuck into my monitor. And I'm playing on my monitor because I already broke my TV with nunchucks.


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[Assistant] I'm out of breath, I was just screaming. That is the most infuriating mechanic they could ever have.


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[Assistant] Because not only do you fall, but your character lays there. He lays there for like what seems to be ever an obnoxious amount of time. Your character just lays there because he's swung at a birdie three inches in front of him.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, this guy has the frying pan. I wish I would have got that.


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[Assistant] And Beatbox standing there with, like, his racket in the air like he's a goddamn radio antenna. See, I hate this. I, how do they do that? They, like, somehow...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whack it with the side of the racket or something in a fashion that just like screws everything up.


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[Assistant] That, that girl from the previous game was doing the same thing. Like whenever she didn't


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[Assistant] You know what? My wiener is right here if you wanna suck it. What do they do? Just lightly tap it? No, that didn't work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We didn't get a single- If you hit a shuttlecock when you're too far away from it, you may hit back- Oh, thank you! That is exactly the hint I was looking for!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't looking to figure out how they keep on fricking, fricking, fricking, like, like, they hit it over the net.


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[Assistant] Very slowly and it switches up everything, like if you're the yellow dust.


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[Assistant] They can, they can make you be blue if they hit it like that. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] That's great, that's great that that's the emote that I just did smashing my hands into my frickin joycon. I won. Wow.


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[Assistant] I won, but I lost my voice. Repeat super smashes, yea. There's a lot of super smashes going on right here. In, in real life.


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[Assistant] And of course we get the mask I was complaining about. What does that have to do with a burger? Yeah, we're playing another good person, I think.


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[Assistant] Okay. That was, that was strange. She did some strange stuff there. We recovered, ultimately.


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[Assistant] That's what you get. I still don't know how to do that and you tried to do it to me in a way that didn't pan out and that feels so great to me. That you lost.


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[Assistant] I don't know who the hell you thought you were, making me watch the replay, and, and emoting on me. Alright?


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[Assistant] We gotta play, we gotta play this now. It's volleyball now. We're completely switching sports. Wait, I did pretty good at tennis though. Let's play tennis.


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[Assistant] Their balls are so, they're like possessed.


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[Assistant] It's like we have connection lag, which makes me think that they're not bots.


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[Assistant] I mean, it's hard to follow the- they hit warp speed at times.


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[Assistant] What is going on? Oh, I thought, I thought that was game. Not gonna lie.


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[Assistant] This is bad, but thank you. That was just a laggy mess. Okay? We have another thing. Completion bonus. Oh, so I need to get all these. And then we get Burger Man. It's not like we can randomly get Burger Man.


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[Assistant] So it just doesn't matter. A quarter, a third of the way there now. This is gonna be a process. I need to go eat dinner. So I'm done for now.


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[Assistant] I don't understand, I'm flailing both my remotes for the power hit and we just fucking floppycock em.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's watch this. Oh, this douchebag wants to watch replays? Okay. You think I'm gonna take it easy on you anymore? Fuck you!


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[Assistant] It's like they're built like a fucking tank, nothing's wrong with them, but apparently the insides can get jiggled up like they're fucking spaghetti sandwich.


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[Assistant] Paralympic Equestrian made its debut in 1984 and it's been a regular fixture in the games since Atlanta in 1996. The equestrian competition consists purely of dressage and there are three different tests of varying difficulties. A team test with three or four riders per team.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] An individual championship test made of predetermined movements in a specific order and a freestyle test where the competitors choose both the movement and music. Men and women compete against each other on equal terms and riders compete in one of five grades based on a classification which assesses their impairment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Specialist equipment is allowed for some competitors, rainbars and specially adapted saddles being two examples.


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[Assistant] Riders compete for medals in the individual championship test and in the freestyle test. Team medals are decided by adding together the results of the team test and the individual championship test to get the overall team score with the best three scores of each team counting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These judges award scores out of 10 for both individual movements and the overall aesthetic of the routine, which are then converted into a percentage, requiring an incredible level of understanding. Equestrian showcases horse and rider in perfect harmony.


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[Assistant] How exciting, new items. Today, we're playing soccer. I want to reach pro league on soccer. And we're playing against a bunch of CPUs, even though I picked online match. Oops, I jumped instead of kick.


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[Assistant] Beef Boss? What about Beef Boss?


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[Assistant] Oh, we're gonna score, wow, awesome. Uhm, I feel so, you know, accomplished playing bots game. Like, I totally don't realize that I'm playing bots. Fuck.


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[Assistant] I almost scored on myself. Wow, solid 1-0 game. Not much happened.


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[Assistant] I beat some bots. Okay, now this looks like real people this time. So this is, this is the real judgment day.


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[Assistant] Oh, while I remember, a new limited edition beefboss hoodie is now out on my merch store until the end of May. It is limited time, then it's gone forever. It is version two. The last one we did was like two years ago now. Uh, and it's available hand signed by, hand signed by me. So, if you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's try not to let our team down. And team, you better not let me down. I'm just gonna try to, you know, be somewhere they're not. This other team looks better than us, not gonna lie.


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[Assistant] Yeaah, looks like we're about to get fucked. Oh yeaah, nice, nice kick, beefboss. I'm a fucking genius.


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[Assistant] Wasn't really expecting that one. Oh shit!


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[Assistant] Oh, that's gotta go in, right? That's gotta go in, right? Roll ball, roll.


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[Assistant] Thank you, ball. Holy shit, my team's fucking great.


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[Assistant] Nevermind. We got BoredSloth, who is... messy or something.


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[Assistant] But not, not, not messy like he makes messes or she makes messes. Like the soccer player, you know?


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[Assistant] Ooh, I like that kick. Do you guys see that kick? Uh oh. Oh fuck, I hit the wrong button.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm pressing A instead of, I forget that it's motion control.


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[Assistant] Alright, that was actually a good move. I don't know why, but my, my kicks... My kicks always go that direction.


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[Assistant] Like I can't, I gotta, I almost gotta kick this thing sideways cause it always goes right. Alright, we had some lockdown defense. We actually were a big part of that game. Keeping that ball- ooh.


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[Assistant] Goooooooal. Holy shit, we're undefeated. Hey, I got mad on my team, thank god. I don't trust myself as goalie. Oh, fuck me. In my butt. Uh oh.


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[Assistant] Wooo! This is not good! These guys are all over it!


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[Assistant] Dude, I can't believe we haven't let in a goal but I'm sure it's about to happen.


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[Assistant] Oh shit on my biscuits. Oh no, now I'm not back on defense. This ain't good.


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[Assistant] Oh no, now this goal, goal frickin' is ginormous.


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[Assistant] Aw shit. My penciling is never right.


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[Assistant] Alright, Matt, Matt, you're allowed to touch me. Alright. You're, you're, but you're the only one. Oh, so when you kick it, you can, you can really control.


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[Assistant] Where it goes. Based on how you move your remote. Okay, well.


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[Assistant] Okay, Luka has other plans for that ball. Alright, nice. Give it, give it to the other team. That's some beefball shit right there.


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[Assistant] I need to remember to kick up, like flick up. I don't think of kicking as flicking up my frickin' thingy.


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[Assistant] But that's what I gotta do. I think I gotta flick it up. That was a pretty big miss there, buddy.


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[Assistant] I think I'm getting the hang of this soccer, although I didn't do anything again. I thought I might score, but I didn't. Ah, ball sacks.


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[Assistant] Yeah, our, our team here doesn't, like, we're, we're just ball chasers. Everyone is just a ball cha-, uh, Jake.


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[Assistant] Uuuh, I actually did that right for once. Oh, Jake's got this one, surely. JAKE!


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[Assistant] All you had to do was run into the net with the ball! Uh-oh.


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[Assistant] Nooo! That was my time! That was my shot! Where is this ball going? I'm gonna have to come back here to help my frickin' team here.


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[Assistant] I hate the camera, I hate the camera. You gotta just let me control the camera. The camera tries to follow it for me and then I'm just fighting with it to see what I wanna see. Ian. Kick it the right way. Thank you.


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[Assistant] No. Dude, they got us frickin' locked in a, in a, in a cock ring thing.


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[Assistant] This is- AHAHAHA! Of course I'd choke.


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[Assistant] Of course I choke. Of course I choke. Of course I choke. Of course I choke. I hate myself! And we gotta get back. And we gotta get back quick.


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[Assistant] Ah, fuck us. Ooh, ooh, ooh, I could get an assist, I could get an assist.


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[Assistant] I don't know, but any game I play anymore is very low scoring.


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[Assistant] Aw, suck my cock sideways. And we're screwed. Dude, I wanna ragequit so bad right about now.


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[Assistant] Like this is seriously incredibly frustrating. We've lost one to nothing! How many times in a row?!


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[Assistant] I don't like my team. It's like they're running at me. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. You don't gotta stay in here with me. Hello? Someone go after the ball. I'll be back here.


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[Assistant] Dude, RNG, I think I got it. Alright, yea, okay, nevermind. Thank god you're here. Oh yea, thank god! THANK GOD RNG!


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[Assistant] Hey, thank you. These tie bros is putting the team on his back for RNG's frickin' idiocracy. Get it RNG, you can do it. Nah, you're not really capable of much.


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[Assistant] So far I haven't unlocked it. I'm pretty sure it's because I'm still shit at the game. I mean, I don't think I'm shit. I'm just a team player. I make plays. I don't score the goals. I don't...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm not, I'm not the man, but I, I'm the glue. You know, I'm not the wood, but I'm the glue. And I don't think the game really respects that. And doesn't give me the recognition I kind of deserve.


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[Assistant] Oh come on. Come on my face. Dammit.


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[Assistant] Alright, if this ball can somehow come out here, no one is here except me. Ah, son of a bitch.


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[Assistant] Oh, I am a certified pro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You've clearly got talent and can now compete in the pro league.


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[Assistant] Tries to scale people equally to play each other, although their team looks, uh, much worse than ours. We have a D plus and a C minus, they only have a C minus.


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[Assistant] I'm an E. One day we'll look back at this and be like, wow, remember the days that beefboss was an E. Have I still touched the ball yet? Here, here I am. I was part of this team. I didn't do a damn thing.


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[Assistant] Surely I got the MVP bonus, right? MVP? Oh yea, I'm the man.


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[Assistant] Let your teammate know how you feel with a sta- Yeah, let's give your teammate a mushroom stamp.


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[Assistant] Oh no, they're all out of breath. Uh, headbutt! Ooh!


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[Assistant] Did I get MVP again? Am I MVP? Am I MVP? Yes I am!


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[Assistant] I've come to find out, like I'm, I'm, I'm focused.


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[Assistant] I'm meant to jump and dive, not fucking just dive.


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[Assistant] Really superb defense. You guys were all frickin' campin' the net. The second the ball gets over here, y'all just leave.


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[Assistant] Yeah, let's really get a highlight of that goal. That was an impressive one, wasn't it?


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[Assistant] Dude, SSJ8, I wish there was voice chat in this game. What a dumb fuck.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Teammate standing there with the ball, you know, scoping out, actually trying to be analytical about it, and he just comes in and steals it!


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[Assistant] Screw a- no, no, no. There's team players and then there's SSJ Aiden. Dickhead. Oh, there's an E+. I've never heard of that one. Enough losses may cause you to lose rank.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Figured we'd just go from E to D minus. I wouldn't play it right in front of the net. Maybe, maybe not, you know? We need to score a goal though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Sheesh, we cannot get it out of our zone.


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[Assistant] Someone, someone needs to like, go where the ball's not. You know what I mean? Like, like, hey, we should probably pass it to somebody, but except, all that there is is blue. WDW die. I don't know. You guys, I, we're all just, this is not gonna end well.


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[Assistant] I can tell you that. Oh boy. In the second-


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[Assistant] The second I try to do something other than stand in front of the net, we're gonna give up a goal, because my team is ASSCHEEKS! Holy!


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[Assistant] I don't know how we didn't hit that by the way, but I don't know. I'm gonna, I'm just gonna go cherry pick or some shit because this team, if the ball's in our zone, no one's, no one's moving. Everyone is just.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I-I-I don't know, when I'm down there playing a position I might as well not be because everyone else is chasing the ball.


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[Assistant] These frickin' guys can figure out how to get it out of our zone.


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[Assistant] Yeah, uuuh, well, sport rider's got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You guys suck. No, not Jacob. No, Jacob. Extreme teammate, yeah. Extremely bad teammate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yay, I did it! Even though I choked the first frickin' kick. Go team.


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[Assistant] Okay, one more game. I'll be D- and I can be done for the day. I actually really enjoy this. This is the most fun I've had playing a game in a long time. And I don't even know what the video's gonna turn out like. Because I'm not talking much. I am in the zone playing soccer right now. I don't- I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not going to lie, I kind of dog on soccer a bit because it's not my favorite sport, but on Nintendo Switch sports, soccer online is the best sport. There's no doubt, this is the best. This is an actual


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Although, no one else is really playing ba- back. I think that uhm... Okay, that's- that's a play!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a ballsy play, I might say. To kick it at the net. We're not at- oh geez.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Eh, Toasty just doesn't get it. Alright, I'm back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all can't be trusted. And since no one seems to be able to play offense either...


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[Assistant] What is your, what is your, what is your objective? By following me, Axe.


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[Assistant] Like, do I need you to watch me kick the ball? Why would you do that? Axie? Ah, there's no shots.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, there's only so much you can do sometimes. When your team's Ashe cheeks.


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[Assistant] I don't understand. I'm the best rank. I'm an E+. They got two C minuses. An E+, and an E. Meanwhile, I got E+, and all Es. Dude, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got it. We don't all gotta chase the ball. You can look with your eyes and see, I got it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're frickin' nutta butt! Those two. Jorpion and Mint the King.


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[Assistant] Bros. Y-y-y-y-that's not how you play soccer! You don't just fucking chase the ball all over! You gotta be smart!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it, I know what's gonna happen. This is a game where I gotta stay here and be the frickin' stonewall beef, boss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if they think that they should be just on top of each other the whole time or what. Oh wow, they separated a little bit. Nope, now the ball's over by one of them so the other one's gotta be right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I don't get it. I don't get it. Why-why me? Why me? Why me? Now-now I'm gonna be sitting here six years just trying to get to D-minus. Of course, Minta King's gonna try to kick it as well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hope you guys never play this fucking game again, you idiots. God damn it pisses me off that they even touch beatbox. Don't fucking deserve it, you're dogshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You suck. Delete, take the game, if you bought it physically, burn it. Snap it in half and burn it. You should not be playing this game. And if you got it digitally, flush your fucking switch down the toilet. You suck ass. You need to learn how to play the fucking game before DARE! Stepping on my team again!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And somehow, and somehow, their dog shittery loses me XP.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was, I was like a ass hair away from D-, D-, now I'm fucking a bundle of ass hairs away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, thank you team, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Still pretty good timing. Yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] About time I'm a D minus. Okay, I think I gotta be done for now. That was actually a ton of fun and I wanna do that again very soon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've come to the pawn shop today to sell my 1929 Chicago Cubs World Series press pin. I could use the money. I'd like to get at least a thousand dollars for it. The least amount of money I probably will take is about 800.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, I appreciate that and I'll take 12. Okay. That's absolutely no problem. I appreciate your honesty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he offered me $1,200, I was a little surprised. I would have been happy with $1,000, but he just wanted it to be fair with me and I appreciate that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The speed of the player at the moment he shoots is also crucial.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A special case and example alike, the penalty kick. Here the goal probability is 77%. Each case is unique, but expected goals allows every chance to be objectively evaluated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this example, Robert Lewandowski's pass increases the goal probability considerably because Thiago has a clear shot on goal and is standing centrally. Oh, how easy did they make that look?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The goal probability therefore refers to a very specific shot. X goals, on the other hand, is the sum of several goal probabilities. This makes it possible to calculate a player or a team's possible goals in a match, which allows the efficiency to be newly evaluated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Welcome to clickbait sports. Uh, Tom's not here. Uh, he is doing something that is not this. So let's respect his privacy with us today. Urinating tree.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who has now officially been mentioned on the NFL YouTube channel.


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[Assistant] Like, the guy who does those videos, I'm not sure he's a real person.


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[Assistant] Of course, Scooter, Magruder, right here next to me, uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Three points videos, yes. You've lost two.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Boom. Okay. Hey, Adam, did you see that, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a, it's a new baseball stadium in Korea. I think it's South Korea they're building. I've not seen this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's got a mall attached to it. Like an infinity pool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All sorts of crazy stuff and I expect a video from you on it, to be honest.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A little bit, actually the USFL, XFL news, we just learned which teams are going to make the cut. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But let's start, I wanna start with Tommy DeVito, Adam, uh.


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[Assistant] First of all, I think everybody's rooting for Tommy. Everybody's rooting for Tommy, but are you, are you, you can't be wanting victories right now, right?


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[Assistant] Sorry, I just had to for craggers. Uh, okay.


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[Assistant] The Cowboys are very good right now. And I sympathize with the fact that as a Cowboys fan, you're watching your Dallas team kick ass every week right now. Dax playing great. A lot of talent on your roster.


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[Assistant] People still poo poo on the Cowboys. People are still like, they're fake. They haven't played anybody real. Let's see what happens when they play a real football team. Will they please let the NFL match these guys up with a real football team? I get it. There's a lot of people who don't believe in the Cowboys, but your response can no longer be.


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[Assistant] Okay, well, I think we're gonna find out Sunday. Any doubts anybody's had about the Broncos?


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[Assistant] For this season and the turnaround gets answered Sunday because we play the Texans. We play CJ Stroud who I think is playing as good as any quarterback in the NFL right now.


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[Assistant] The, the thing about the broncos that's been weird is...


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[Assistant] When you can look back on it objectively,


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[Assistant] The only loss that was really, really bad for Denver was the Dolphins loss.


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[Assistant] This is a, this is as bad of a football team as you can feel type of loss.


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[Assistant] And that was coupled with a one point loss to the Raiders, uh, after a Hail Mary completion to the commanders. They, they can't get the two point conversion and lose. And, uh, a Jett's loss that was just kinda weird, but like,


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[Assistant] Two, commander's game, raider's game. Bronco should have won both of those games. And they don't.


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[Assistant] But because of that Dolphins loss, we're just like, I was like, I was like, this is the worst team I've ever watched in my life. The defense was that bad.


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[Assistant] Take that one game out of there. They were competitive. Uhm, I think they're just, they were figuring out, Sean Payton was figuring out how to call an offense with Russell Wilson, how to game


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[Assistant] How to game plan and call plays within a game with Russ. And now they're, uh, they're just running the football well, okay? They're running the ball like over 30 times a game. So it's not, it's not like a...


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[Assistant] A complicated formula, they're running the ball a lot and they've slowly gotten better at running the football over the season. The offensive line has improved a lot because of that. Javante Williams is getting a little bit better. They finally got some Maja Perrine more in the mix.


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[Assistant] They also made personnel changes on defense and they got healthy. So they had a bunch of guys hurt and then they had a bunch of guys, uh, in like, uhm, we have two really young corners. Uh, one I think was undrafted, but Jaquan McMillan and Fabian Moreau have really stepped up and started to play those positions well.


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[Assistant] They still have issues like up front on the defense and they got Baron Browning back. We had no pass rush before Baron Browning returned. They still have a great pass rush, but that helped things on the back end. Justin Simmons got healthy. So.


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[Assistant] You know, it's, it's not one thing, it's a lot of little things improve.


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[Assistant] Uh, I've been hurt so bad by this team, I can't believe it, but also, uh,


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[Assistant] Like I'm prepared, I'm prepared to be let down any second. Even last week against the Browns. This is a game, they played one of the best defenses in the league. Our offensive line dominated that game. And DTR,


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[Assistant] Was actually starting to play well, but then he got hurt. Uh, because Baron Browning hit him. And then PJ Walker came in, got sacked four times, and the game was just done.


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[Assistant] Uh, so I started to get worried once DTR and the Browns made that a 12-14 game that I was gonna watch the Broncos crumble in, uh, you know, throughout the second half, but I think they're a better team overall. I think they got lucky in some of those games to win, but.


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[Assistant] It's not much different in that where last season they were bad, but also in terms of luck, they had all of the bad luck. So I think this is just luck evening itself out for us through the rest of the season. If we beat the Texans, then I will really believe it because


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, of course they are. Hell yes. I'm all in.


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[Assistant] If I could put in my, well I guess I could, but I would bet heavily on them going into the playoffs.


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[Assistant] Do you think like some of the recommendations will just be eased by the fact that Canada is gone? And it's like one of those things where a little bit of production and winning, I mean, they were already winning. So it's just like, actually it's just production on offense kind of cures that for them.


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[Assistant] But, they'll like, scooters in a position where like, the Cowboys offense is legit dangerous. It's very good. They are dangerous. Opportunistic. Fun to watch, right?