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[Assistant] Everyone make a poll on their channel right now. Bronco's Country or recreating the Danger Witch? He has, and he has to buy one too, like you gotta have it. How do you make a, here we go. Bronco's Country.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Guys, we're choosing Brandon. Honestly, my mind was clear after that P. I have P real fast. Re-create danger. The danger, which by the way, is a great sub. And it's not spicy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta, you can say all the lines from the Danger Witch commercial and you must eat the Danger Witch for the duration of the show.


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[Assistant] After one game, stock is back up for make or may feel.


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[Assistant] Also Brandon, you are looking pretty swole already. Like, are you down here routinely? Is this what happens when you have a baby from just carrying the baby around all day and you just get swole?


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[Assistant] We need to get Nordic to sponsor this stream. Nordic, if you're watching, you know what to do. Stop playing.


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[Assistant] 16, listen, listen, guys, I'm not dying. For everyone, I just lost weight, okay? 16, 8, intermittent fasting, it works.


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[Assistant] Let's get the attention back on Ben though. Because he's here to talk about his experience. So Draft Knight, take us through everything for your Draft Knight. You're getting ready to make this pick. Let's back up though. Why do you like the Patriots of all teams?


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[Assistant] That is revenge fuel right there. What's going through your mind as you make this pick? You see people are celebrating Sam's pick. Now you're up, you're getting


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[Assistant] Climax of the whole draft for you, because I was there. We got to do some dope stuff. I was there with Subway. Did you get to go around, like, the different areas? I was there, yeah. Like, what, what, like, tell the, let's set it up for these people who weren't there.


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[Assistant] The draft has come, the draft has gone. You've been following along with the Patriots though. What are you feeling like the vibe could be for this season? Like what, what are, what's the record for the Patriots this season? Give us a prediction. What do you see happening for us?


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[Assistant] What, what's the future like for you? What are the dreams? What are the aspirations? Where can people follow you? Do you do sports content? Do you want to start getting into it? Let us know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where can people follow you though? Where's the channel? Where's the podcast? Where's the Twitter? Let us know!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not a legal expert, but can someone let me know if it's normal? Cause I really don't know the answer to this. Is it normal?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To give out NDAs when you're getting a massage? Can someone let me know if that's normal? Cause I, I didn't sign one. I've never signed an NDA when I got a massage.


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[Assistant] I really don't know. Like, let me know if this is a normal occurrence.


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[Assistant] The more information that's coming out, the more I'm like,


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[Assistant] Why would you- Why would you do that? I'm not-


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[Assistant] Tom, what are you thinking? I'm looking at your face. What? Cause I feel like we're on the same page for this, this like...


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[Assistant] I do understand that like there is a court of public opinion. You are innocent until proven guilty in the United States of America. I get all of that. Okay, I understand. But when you hear some of the testimony from coming out of some of these women


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[Assistant] Bro, like to me, that's where I'm starting to be like, okay, I don't know at this point because this, it's getting weird. It's getting weird. And it's like for me to sit up here and say, I don't believe. I don't believe.


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[Assistant] Without due diligence. This is neglect on the part of multiple football teams. Not just the, uh, not just the Browns!


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[Assistant] I feel like to me that is still negligent, uh, behavior despite


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[Assistant] When's the first time Deshaun Watson gets on a football field again? Is that this season?


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[Assistant] Chill, we're going for the three-peat, then the four-peat. Has that ever been done? A four-peat? Yep.


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[Assistant] NHL hockey for those of you who have never watched hockey.


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[Assistant] Is something to behold. I am saying that as a black man, okay? We don't watch that much hockey. There's not that much hockey in the black community. It's DOPE! I'm telling you.


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[Assistant] When your local team is the gosh darn bolts and they keep winning. I don't care. Call me a bandwagon. I don't care. We're winning.


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[Assistant] Brandon, would you be interested in doing like a, if the lightning make it, NHL, uh, NHL 2K type situation?


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[Assistant] How do you do that in a finals game though? I'm confused. 2 inches is a lot!


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[Assistant] Do you know how much two inches is? Like, I heard these stories about Kobe Bryant. He was practicing. I think the rim is a half inch off.


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[Assistant] Two inches?! Bro, what's going on? I can duck on that.


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[Assistant] It's touch and go. Okay, it depends. Did I stretch before or no? Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we're slapping glass all day. We are slapping glass.


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[Assistant] Who all watched the game? Tree? Were you able to watch the game last night? NBA? I watched a little bit of it. But I wasn't able to watch it. Tom, did you see? Were you able to see some of it?


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[Assistant] Back to the NBA though, I believe the Warriors are losing because of one person and his name is


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[Assistant] Draymond Green. Okay, at least for last night. This man had two points and did a lot of talking. It's kind of weird if you've been following these finals. The Warriors have been kind of going how Draymond Green literally goes. So if Draymond Green has had a good game, the Warriors win. If Draymond Green sucked, game one, they lost. Game three, they lost.


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[Assistant] Two points. Quadruple double with garbage numbers. Like quadruple single. It was bad. It was not good. So in my opinion, it's coming down to a couple of players. Draymond on the Warriors, because Steph's gonna be Steph regardless. Steph's been being Steph. And then it comes down to Marcus Smart.


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[Assistant] And Marcus Smart has been bullying people.


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[Assistant] We're in a weird place right now. We're in a weird place. Let's bring it back. Draymond Green has a podcast. I want to get your guys take on this because this is actually what a lot of people are discussing. So I want to hear how you guys feel about it. Draymond Green has a podcast.


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[Assistant] And he's been doing his podcast every night. Even after he loses. Even after.


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[Assistant] He wins! He will literally get a microphone.


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[Assistant] And you can watch on YouTube and he'll discuss, hey, you know, these are, this is what the Celtics did really good last night. They did this really well. I thought we were, I thought they were going to be doing this really well.


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[Assistant] How do you think athletes should respond to this? Another athlete doing a podcast in season. Like, how do you think?


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[Assistant] Dedication? Yes, it's dedication they're saying. Why? You're not focused. You're losing. You're, you scored two points and you're doing a podcast?


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[Assistant] Did any of you guys see the clip last night? Because a reporter in Draymond got into it over his podcast, actually.


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[Assistant] Yep. And he was like saying, listen, win or lose, y'all are going to get this podcast. So Tree, how do you feel about that? A player saying, look, what I do in my off time should not matter.


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[Assistant] Uhm, uh-oh. I'm scared. Uh-oh. I am heavily afraid.


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[Assistant] Did any of you guys see Steven A. Smith recently get roasted by, uh, what's his basketball player? Oh, John McCollum and, um, John.


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[Assistant] The, what's happening is that a lot of players now are starting to enter into these broadcast roles, these analyst roles, and a lot of these players have got a lot to say about what these analysts have been doing


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[Assistant] Mainly, JJ Redding. This man has been laying down the law. I don't know if you guys have been seeing these clips, so I wanna get your guys' takes. Is this the future of sports? Are we gonna see more of these analysts just come on and be like, well actually, that's not how any of us feel in the locker room. We actually think this.


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[Assistant] And it's actually sort of refreshing to see this new, like, oh, you're skin.


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[Assistant] I think something that a lot of fans would like to see, let me know if I'm wrong here, but...


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[Assistant] Half-time. Like, if I'm listening to the half-time, if they're not telling, like, secrets, even if they are telling, like, secrets, I wanna know, like, what is happening in this half-time? What is Jason Garrett telling these people in the locker room five years ago that we come out and get bodied three more touchdowns? Like, what, what was said?


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[Assistant] I'm not sure. Yes, that's what he's saying.


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[Assistant] Speaking of cap casualties, the Dallas Cowboys


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[Assistant] Well, we have over 20 million dollars in cap space. We can go sign someone right now. Why aren't we doing it? I'm seeing Cowboys fans all day talking about do something front office. And then I read another think piece and they're like, well, this is why the Cowboys aren't signing anyone. It's because next season.


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[Assistant] They're looking at keeping a Tyron Smith or an Ezekiel Elliot. They're preparing right now.


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[Assistant] Make a punishment for Brandon Perna. Keep in mind, the punishment can be a positive punishment. I have one. Keep that in mind.


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[Assistant] Y'all won't come back next week at the same time though.


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[Assistant] We counted at least 15, and Tom and I were not paying attention the whole time.


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[Assistant] But DraftKings, uh, they couldn't make that happen, but right now it is championship basketball season. DraftKings Sportsbook is putting all new customers in the center of the action. New customers can bet just $5 on any team and get $150 in free bets instantly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As we're about to CROWN. CROWN, I say! A champion in the NBA!


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[Assistant] Link in the description. New customers get the, the bonus, the big, big bonus that I just said. You do it.


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[Assistant] I saw you setting up your camera on the field before you went up to bat, Adam.


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[Assistant] Walter Payton, he died of... It was like a liver disease.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's, there's just been a short span of really young players and former players.


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[Assistant] I don't know, I don't think they've, they have a cause of death yet for Marion Barber.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I see what you're saying Scooter, like Dez was saying he was in a really bad place. And so I think that suggests that there was probably some stuff going on that you might.


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[Assistant] Tie back to CTE and it being an issue there.


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[Assistant] Or what the NFL believes will hinder their ability to make money.


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[Assistant] Very true. A lot of the time. It'd be like, you'll never see, well, I don't want to say never.


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[Assistant] Right, because Patrick retired and I am sad. That's what I wanted to talk about today. Say it again? A king, a god, if you will. Yes, we can switch to retirement.


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[Assistant] I read at a sixth grade level, uh, but here we go. Two influencers title.


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[Assistant] After looking online, I decided to do it on two people that bring an influence to their community, Scooter Magruder and Brandon Perna. That's good.


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[Assistant] Big Dick Decade is the promo code for BenchWarmerBrew.com right now.


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[Assistant] Uh, both of them provide video content on YouTube, are related to sports comedies. Scooter McGruder provides sketches and other videos regarding sports, whether it is his, whether it is his favorite football team, the Dallas Cowboys or other sports. Not only that, he sells his own merchandise with the catchphrase, insert name is a grown man.


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[Assistant] Brandon Perna tries to do videos, like if he were a really good guy, but he sucks. Wait a s-


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[Assistant] News anchor to provide the latest in NFL news.


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[Assistant] Then, not only that, he also recently started an online ground coffee business called Bench Warmer Brew. Well, not ground coffee specifically, so dock point there. Dock point there. We got whole beans or ground beans from a code big dick decade.


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[Assistant] Uh, let's see here. We got some other mentions here.


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[Assistant] Other YouTubers five points vids and urinating tree from a weekly.


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[Assistant] How much money, according to Social Blade, DraftKings Sportsbook gives them ALL A-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got in, we got basketball, NBA playoffs. It's time to crown this season's champion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Champion Sportsbook is putting all new customers in the center of the action. New customers can bet just $5 on any team and get $150 in free bets instantly. If you did a report about Clickbait Sports,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You should get, uh, a hundred dollars, a hundred and fifty dollars as well, but that's not part of this deal. Sorry, Sir Random Guy. Uh, Draft King Sportsbook customers can also bet on the NBA with same game parlays. Combine multiple bets from the same game for a bigger payout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if DraftKings is not available in your state, DraftKings hosts huge daily fantasy contests every day of the playoffs with millions up for grabs. So, you download DraftKings, use our link below, code clickbait, and that's going to get you the best deals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, also, so random guy, if you could go back to your teacher who gave you the A and then tell him to use code, or her, to use code clickbait, uh, that would be appreciated.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think you looked at my channel and was like, which guy is performing the worst?


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[Assistant] Maybe that's just a hundred and nine dollars to seventeen hundred per month.


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[Assistant] Oh yea, it says my estimated is $324 to $5,200.


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[Assistant] Oh, I was gonna say, uhm, the part that stings. Uh, subscribers. Scooter, 611,000. That's good sports, 280,000.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, no. It was an original idea that maybe a guy that writes both of our videos had already worked on for you.


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[Assistant] Is he the greatest quarterback to never make the playoffs?


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[Assistant] What do you think of this man?


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[Assistant] Uh, or the, the, the Deep V. The Deshaun Jackson Deep. I only think about Ryan Fitzpatrick shirtless.


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[Assistant] Also, I think my genius segment idea needs to happen, and it's called Stump the Tree, where we each get a sports question we try to stump tree with. I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? I cannot st- like, I don't want the Warriors to win another one, but I do- I can't stand another Boston sports team getting a championship.


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[Assistant] Who, who gets all the flop calls for the Celtics? Is it Tatum? So smart. Smart. Good god. Smart doing against this Draymond who never gets called for the penalties. So this is two strengths head to head. And we've seen Draymond's head too. I will say this.


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[Assistant] I want to be the guy who wins this.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna live longer because of this. Good. And I know everybody here wants me to die.


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[Assistant] Gotta end the- Nothing, I already posted an, uh, AFC South recap thing. Oh. Go watch it, it's okay.


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[Assistant] Didn't Will get on base by taking a bean? What's that? Didn't he get beaned? Yea, he got hit in the foot.


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[Assistant] I do not, I have propel in my fridge. But welcome back ladies and gentlemen.


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[Assistant] Pick that, you pick this scoffy. Pick this scoffy. This is the best scoffy.


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[Assistant] It's Thursday, week's been relatively steady, nice and easy, uh, we really did


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[Assistant] Joss Morant's mom had an issue with an employee at the foot locker, and I don't know what happened there, maybe like...


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[Assistant] It's racing all over the place man. I mean, unfortunately what they teach you is unless you can pull it off, it does not work well.


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[Assistant] Whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, Junior double, triple whopper, Plain grilled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day. Lettuce, mayo, pickle, ketchup, it's okay if I don't want that impossible of bacon whopper, any whopper my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whopper, whopper, whopper, whopper, Junior double, triple whopper, Plain grilled taste with perfect toppers, I rule this day. Lettuce, mayo, pickle, ketchup, it's okay if I don't want that impossible of bacon whopper, any whopper my way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I mean they'll probably bitch about that the most times because I feel like all they're doing is chucking Torridol at people. Byron Jones had a big like tweet about that as well. So let's actually talk about that.


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[Assistant] 20% of players feel there's enough hot stuff space? Oh boy.


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[Assistant] So I'm guessing they'll probably use him as a cap casualty, but they still owe a good bit of dead cap either way. So he is set and he has said that he doesn't regret it, but at the same time, it's actually actually have to,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing that I really mentioned to him and I really zoned in on was their use of Toradol. Byron Jones mentioned that a ton.


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[Assistant] And five, as you know, Uche, when he was alive, he used to tell a lot about how they just throw Toradol at you whenever you had a legitimate issue, no matter what. Like say, oh, you busted up your knee, Toradol.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like, oh, why do you think he's coming out magically? It's because he's numb to everything. They've been giving him so much Torah doll that


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[Assistant] I've seen people get, I've seen people get glares and redskins gear and, you know, giants gear. And it's just like.


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[Assistant] Like I have one gravity pull and it's just like straight to the ground. Like it's like this. This is probably about how big I can jump. I'm not even kidding.


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[Assistant] I mean, dude, I'd lose all of them, you know, like when maybe the beer drinking contest or the, uh, or the sweating contest.


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[Assistant] I'd say Hutchinson or Neil. Those would be my two picks. Okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, oh yeaah, I said somebody was going to trade up on a dumpster fire. We do a Tuesday night. I was doing uhm, I was suggesting that somebody trades up to number one to pick Malik Wallace to try and one up Detroit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Carolina, I think they go Kenny Pickett or Macaroni.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My favorite part was Ben McAdoo, the old coach of the Giants had come out and declared Sam Donald to be a starter. And then a week later said, what, what? I never said that. Are you crazy? I never said that Sam Donald was a starter.


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[Assistant] Right. It's more of like a Baker Mayfield type. I don't know if like that's going to pan out though. His stock really fell. He went from potential for one to second.


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[Assistant] No, don't talk, don't talk about Kenny Pickett like that. Kenny Pickett is the real deal. He led Pitt to the promised land and by God, he is going to get a gold jacket. Actually, I don't know about if he's going to get a gold jacket, but he


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know. Who do you guys think is going to be the second QB? I know who's going to be the quarterback picked. Sky Thompson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So you know, that's what it should be. They should just do a dueling piano and the one who wins gets drafted by the Panthers.


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[Assistant] And I'll be really sad because then five points will be happy and no one will watch our stream because that's all people watch it for is for five points to play.


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[Assistant] I guess I'm being outnumbered. It's Garrett Wilson then.


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[Assistant] Well, they might reach on a quarterback, but otherwise I would probably say. I'd say corner. Maybe they would have.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I mean, you already have Mike Williams. You're paying him the big bucks and you also have, uh, Keenan Allen. So I don't know if Drake London's really your pick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's my argument for the Eagles. They have an aging interior offensive line. Brandon Brooks just retired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You don't know who you're getting? I think this is where Tyler Linderbaum goes.


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[Assistant] My bet is probably somebody moves up to pick like a Jordan Davis or something. That would be my bet as to what happens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, at this point, I'm jumping for joy because it's either Linderbaum or Jordan Davis. We need interior line help. A running game was absolute garbage. I'm going with Jordan Davis and I am just straight up sprinting to the podium to make sure I get Jordan Davis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but dude, do you know how bad our run defense was last year? We had no interior line.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, as I said, they did get some help, but at the same time, it's like, if it's between Linderbaum or Jordan Davis, I'm going with Jordan Davis.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's why you're, uh, my, that's why you're picking Jordan Davis. You're picking him to stop the run. It's not for pass rush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're gonna, they're gonna reach on a running back. I can really see it. Cause once again, all their attempts to get a running back and free agency have failed. They tried JD McKissick. He didn't work out. He backed out, went back to Washington. So you might be looking at Breece Hall or Kenneth Walker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm seeing a lot of Mafia, I'm seeing a lot of Ebiketti.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, well, if they're going this right then, I'm trying to think. Maybe Travis? No, not Travis, John.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, me and Five have a traditional draft on the Dumpster Fire channel, so, uh, we're gonna hope that the Giants do terribly, so we get to see some premium distilled salt that comes right out of his allergens, and it's just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wonderful stuff, and I hope you all join us as well. It's going to be a beautiful time, hopefully.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 2199. Oh, you buying one of those things on the telemarketing scheme? Buy two, get one free for 2199. Here's how to order. Oh, 3199 now going up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's using abstract font instead of a proper font? At least put a border around it or something, man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, Scooter could accidentally go to a strip club, but then again,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, let's go. Hey, what's up? This is No More Fielders. Uhm, y'all know me from the guy who made that play in center field that a bunch of people, uh, laughed at, but I'm here right now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm looking right now. I think that's King of JukeGo actually. Oh wait, who's pitching then? Uh, that is baseball quotes pitching.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He, uh, earlier, I don't wanna spoil it, but let's just say this man can throw some gas.


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[Assistant] Yeah, it kinda looks like found footage right now. Uhm, I don't know if you've ever seen like old clips of like minor league games. Kinda like it though.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Y'all thought UMPs had it tough, uhm, you know, in general. Imagine being the UMP and the catcher. We've seen a couple disputes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am joined here by five points. Here, do you want the main chair?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I got a question, uhm, for either the audience or you guys. If King of Jukos Cameraman makes a play, how do we score that? Is it kind of like the Ghostrunner situation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They got a long, uh, season ahead of them, uh, the summer instructional league. So, you know, this is, uhm, they're just having some fun out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, for me this has been just a great experience meeting all these great YouTubers. Uhm, I mean, you know, these are people I've looked up to, uh, pretty much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We got a pitching change. We have, uh, SRS Matt, uh, coming in for baseball quotes. We got a lefty. He's basically going to be our lefty specialist, uh, even though he's facing a righty right now. Uh, give him a couple different looks. Um, I know from talking to him that SRS Matt, uh, has two different arm angles. He has a three quarter angle and also overhand. So he's going to warm up a little bit. Um, and we'll resume with the game. That was a,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna get an Instagram someday, uh, not on Facebook because that's for old people. But, uh, anyway, uh, y'all enjoy yourselves and, um, here's RBT.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're so bad. Scooter Magrutes. Notre Dame is so bad. It's, it's every year.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. If you, uh, do a little bit, I'll drink out of this skull.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, um, I crushed my enemies and then I took out the eyelids and ate it as a nice steak dinner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, it does. Fantastic glassware, man. Like, look at this little chisel. I mean, there are some leaks in there, but otherwise, I mean...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's gonna melt off your legs. It's an acid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love burning things.


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[Assistant] I see. If these are referees, I will go with the great bow, because they are bad at sight. And I will also go with the great flail, just to bop them on the head for terrible play calls.


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[Assistant] Do I choose one or am I allowed to try both?


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[Assistant] Okay, makes sense, makes sense. Then I will attack with my great bow.


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[Assistant] They are gonna get a shot at us, but they aren't. They are? Yes. Good. Kill em.


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[Assistant] Oh, okay. So that's uh, ten. Ten?


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[Assistant] That's plenty of things bursting, especially seeds. Flowers do come from seeds, just saying. That is true.


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[Assistant] 4.65 bill. I thought the Cowboys were the...


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[Assistant] I don't take seeds, I spread them throughout the world. You know, as it says, it's better to give than to receive, Mr. Wildflower. And quite frankly, I don't plan on receiving any seeds.


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[Assistant] Vensnyder is still on his yacht, he will not be subpoenaed. Oh man, that's bad. Wow.


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[Assistant] So Scooter tried to fight an imaginary injury.


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[Assistant] Jobs passed that they never asked for back, so, uh.


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[Assistant] Yeah, that was part of my severance package, was never turning this laptop back in.


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[Assistant] Uh, and uh, we're back, we're back on the show, but thank you for introducing me. I'm here because I'm a professional.


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[Assistant] I did not go to the Genius Bar. They would not let me in there. They said my IQ was not high enough.


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[Assistant] Well, it's baseball season again. I gotta rep the product. The Pirates signed a player. They actually paid money to Ka'Brien Hayes and he immediately got injured and broke his wrist and he still has to go through the physical for the extension. So I am-


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[Assistant] This is gonna be interesting. Let's see how it goes. Can we just, can we just like get, lay out the rules? What can and cannot happen? Like let's just, let's go through some rules real quick. What, what's happening? I don't think, I don't think he's allowed, you're not allowed to mention the team. Is he allowed to mention any players?


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[Assistant] Yeah, just know, I mean, he can talk about anything else though. He can insult us, he can talk about our families, whatever he wants to do, which, you know, I don't think he would do.


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[Assistant] But, uh, yeah, I just, uh, you cannot talk about the, the team in that plays in Dallas.


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[Assistant] So what happens if I do, what happens if I mess up, I slip up, what's happening?


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[Assistant] I think what should happen is because, because we're gonna rote him and we're gonna give him a rebuttal at the end, which is a standard.


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[Assistant] It's an 8th ball, 20-22. Don't worry, your Mets will still finish under 500. We're not going to play until like 9 o'clock tonight, so should be hot.


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[Assistant] The Eagles are garbage, bro. It doesn't matter who they sign, their quarterback is still Jalen Hurts.


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[Assistant] Uh, very similar, except there's one difference.


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[Assistant] One plays on the Eagles, one plays on the Ravens. It's not gonna matter if they sign the Honey Badger or not. They don't have the talent necessary to win that division. They're not winning that division. Another team is. What team?


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[Assistant] It's not the giants, and it's not the commanders.


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[Assistant] Maybe ever across all sports. I'm talking about all verticals. Don't remove sports from the equation. Let's go business. Just any business that has ever existed. Dan Snyder, top 10 worst owners of all time. He's very successful.


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[Assistant] This is gonna be the undoing of Dan Snyder. You can do all that stuff, but Dan Snyder messed with the money, okay? You got two separate accounting books?


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[Assistant] You're done. They're gonna find out all the information. You can do whatever you want in America, but...


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[Assistant] Right now. Immediately. Stop. Keep, keep going. Keep going. Do it. Do it.


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[Assistant] Speaking of the Dallas Cowboys, I think we should go over their entire offseason this year, you know? They've had a really rough go this offseason, if you think about it. Oh, uh, Tom, what do you think the best moment was this offseason?


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[Assistant] Wait, before we get into the roasting, we're not there yet. We gotta talk about this lawsuit, right? Tom?


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[Assistant] Here's my thing, this sounds like something, this kind of reeks of something. Five, excuse me, five, five, Brandon Perna was in the middle of speaking. I thought he was just doing the Dekimbe Mutombo.


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[Assistant] Yes, by the way, uh, the concessions revenue was also split with the players association. I bet you didn't know that. Oh, did not know that. And that's how that it helps form the salary cap based on those numbers. But I will tell you this.


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[Assistant] Uh, this reeks to me of something that all the owners do. Okay.


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[Assistant] And it's just something that they just use as their hold card for when they want a guy out.


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[Assistant] Or someone in, or he ticked off somebody in Congress. And that's, that's when your life is done.


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[Assistant] I was just reading a whole bunch of stuff on Twitter, uh, and it's just a lot, a lot of stuff from women who have been saying they're just generally just disappointed in how the NFL's really handled the whole situation and even more disappointed


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[Assistant] This might be the one thing that finally does him in. Not any of the other stuff from before, but it's the fact that he had two different books that's gonna be his undoing. Some people are just looking at that and just being like, bruh, really? Really? Okay. Alright.


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[Assistant] How is he catching strays here when we're supposed to be roasting the cowboys though? Come on.


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[Assistant] It was weird because then the tweet goes on and said he had a zoom call after.


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[Assistant] I do need to ask you, I know we're trying to...


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[Assistant] So you caught a ball from an NFL quarterback. Do you know who didn't catch a ball?


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[Assistant] This is more of an overarching question because we know we have a lot of people who watch clickbait who are getting into sports or would like to get into sports who maybe would like to do a show like this themselves. So could you explain like what was the process of even getting


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[Assistant] This set up, like, from the beginning, how did you even get an NFL player to agree to have you film them?


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[Assistant] So what I want everyone watching this to understand is that literally,


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[Assistant] People are within grasp. With the internet, a lot of things are possible. So shoot your shot. Whatever you want to do, you, you might be able to do it. Just ask is what I'm saying. Half the time.


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[Assistant] Have the courage to just ask. What are they gonna do? Say no? You already have the no. Well, they're gonna say like, you're terrible, get away from me. And they'll follow restraining orders. Like in my words, it's, you miss 100% of the shots you take. So that's, that's how I do things. It's gonna be better for you.


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[Assistant] Oh, you want me to go? That's fine. I just want to take you back to a place.


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[Assistant] Uh, I believe it was 2007, 2008, right around that time. The Cowboys had a very good team. I just remember they were crushing everybody.


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[Assistant] Uh, Tony Romo was in his height and they were 13 and 3 and they had a week off and they decided


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[Assistant] You know what? Tony was like, hey, I'm dating Jessica Simpson. Why don't you get up on these big, big shoulders with my big puppy dog eyes and I'm gonna take my, my tight end with me, Jason. We're gonna go to Cabo and enjoy this week off cause we're gonna beat those whack giants. They're just a wild card team. They backed into the playoffs.


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[Assistant] I have, I don't even care man, we're just gonna have our fun time. And it was like the last...


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[Assistant] I think there's some crap that says that there's no roof on Texas Stadium, so God could watch the Cowboys play. Well, God got a great game that Sunday afternoon when Amani Toomer took the first pass of the game.


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[Assistant] And like four Dallas Cowboys missed him and he just housed it. And I remember, gosh, the, the, the, the Cowboys were about to make a, a comeback and Tony Romo saw Patrick Creighton wide open on the sideline.


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[Assistant] And it's like, you know, like wide receivers, their job, like, and you know this, Tom, their job is to catch the ball, right? That's very true. Yeah, their job is to catch the ball. And Patrick Creighton, that ball must have been like a Rubik's Cube covered in butter, cause it just went right through his hands.


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[Assistant] And they didn't convert. And the funny thing was, was they were winning at half time, but Eli Manning led a 30 second drive right down the middle of the field at half time. And then let's just talk about the last play.


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[Assistant] Tony Romo again, they were down 21-17, they had a chance to win it. And it was fourth and ten and Tony Romo drops back.


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[Assistant] And R.W. McQuarters, a guy that the Giants signed off the practice squad, like off the street a week before, jumps the route, secures the ball.


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[Assistant] And that look on Jerry Jones' face appeared, he was just like...


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[Assistant] That to me is my favorite Dallas Cowboys moment of all time.


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[Assistant] 21-17, the last playoff, or I think, yeaah, maybe the last playoff game, or there was like one more in Texas Stadium where they lost, in Irving.


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[Assistant] There you go. Good job, Dallas. Love ya. And the Giants went on to win the Super Bowl. While you haven't done that since 1991, I don't even know.


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[Assistant] I think that dude's still getting pension or like a royalty.


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[Assistant] But we'll go off to the 1970s, remember how dominant America's team was? Let's tell you about real America's team, about the Pittsburgh Steelers. Our brand is everywhere, my friend. We left because the steel industry was garbage.


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[Assistant] And the only reason why D because America wants to s like they did to the steal bowl a couple of years ago. 1975 when the Pittsburgh s


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[Assistant] Listen, all I have to say is every time, it's like a, you know Pavlov's dog, right? When he rings the bell, the dog starts to salivate. Every time I eat popcorn, I just think of Patrick Creighton. Just dropping that ball.


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[Assistant] When he was wide open, there wasn't a giant in the frame.


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[Assistant] Why would you do that? Why would you do that for a man who tore his ACL? There he goes, Cedric Wilson too. And you missed him just like Dak missed him on that pass on fourth down in the playoff game as well. You nearly screwed over to Marcus Lawrence.


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[Assistant] And Quinn is gonna go elsewhere. Kellen Moore is too, uh, is overrated. And all I'm gonna say is I will look forward to the day when the Dallas Cowboys do not go 15 and 2 so I can dunk on you like you're Sean Bradley and I am Akeem Lawajwan about to poster your ass.


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[Assistant] You know, I was thinking about, you know, I remember how Eli Manning used to just roll into Jerry World and just...


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[Assistant] I don't own the Cowboys, but there's one game in particular where Romo had thrown like five picks to it like before the half and they had a chance to win that like they came all the way back like the Giants were doing everything that they could to blow that game and then Tony Romo dropped back, right?


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[Assistant] Drop back. And for once he finds Dez Brian in the back of the end zone. Like, he, for once he caught it.


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[Assistant] He had one of the most athletic catches I've ever seen. He sprang up, he had like a 50 inch vertical leap, caught it, and then what happens on the way down? His oversized glove touches the white of the end zone.


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[Assistant] And I believe the Giants like went on to win the division because of that. It was great. It was a wonderful, wonderful moment in the Giants-Cowboys rivalry that I, I still remember this day. It was beautiful. My favorite moment out of bounds.


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[Assistant] No, Dez did not catch it. The only thing Dez caught was probably an STD. I'm sorry.


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[Assistant] He likes analytics, you know, like he prefers go forward on Fort Down and he does the analytics of whether he wants to eat at Subway or if he wants to eat like Five Guys. So you know what, that's analytics to you, man. I mean, I do the same analytics myself, so I can't...


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[Assistant] Didn't, didn't, uh, the Cowboys have some guy named Demarcus Ware on their team for a long time? What happened?


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[Assistant] Well, Emmet Smith got paid a ton too by Arizona, that's why he went.


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[Assistant] Not even Zeke, I mean, uh, we still haven't talked about White Kurt Cousins, you know, with his Dan and Oiko commercials and Campbell's Chunky Soup commercials, and I mean, he pads his stats, but we need a new stat pad for-


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[Assistant] Maybe it's Dak? Uh, this is funny. Kaylee says that, uh, Buddy Ryan of the Eagles one time faked a kneel to eventually run up the score because the Cowboys helped ruin the NFL's player strike that season. And Tom Flandre very anti-union.


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[Assistant] Well, speaking of coaches that should have retired five years earlier, how about Mike McCarthy?


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[Assistant] Or Jerry Jones. Scooter doesn't have much to say here.


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[Assistant] Ooh, I mean, I gotta go with Troy Aikman. I mean, he's making the big bucks from ESPN now and he made a lot of money when he was as a player. So you know what?


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[Assistant] We haven't even brought up Leon Lett. That was a great moment, both in the Super Bowl and against the Dolphins. We should talk about the moment when Jerry Jones' ego was so vast, he got rid of the one person that got him to the promised land and brought in Barry Switzer. Barry Switzer.


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[Assistant] You got one once, Super Bowl, because Neil O'Donnell happened.


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[Assistant] Because just like everyone else, nobody likes the Dallas Cowboys, and ironically, unless


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[Assistant] You are from Washington or you are a poor soul from Dallas and you are dealing with about an hour of urban sprawling traffic because they don't know the meaning of building up. They build horizontal.


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[Assistant] Speaking of bus, Dak Prescott. No, we haven't even talked about Jason Garrett. Y'all had a serial clapper over there.


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[Assistant] Alright, I think we've made it to 552. Do we have any more parting shots?


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[Assistant] You think you're getting the best of the best, but what you're really getting are lemons, and you are going to be $100,000 over appraisal, and you are doing nothing about it, and you're going to enjoy it because you're Dallas, and you only like big flashy things that throw money around like they're candy.


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[Assistant] Now, let's start with the Steelers. You wanna talk about my team? Your quarterback is Mitch Trabisky. You got six Super Bowls, you will never win another one in your lifetime. Y'all better be...


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[Assistant] The Packers! Y'all got Aaron Rodgers. Who else do you have? Devonte Adams? You thought. Who's gonna throw the ball?


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[Assistant] About the Broncos, because you guys are, you guys are doing good. You got Patrick Sertan, great guy, I wanted him. You got uh, Russell Wilson, okay, you guys are doing good. Only thing I can say is, to me like, the Broncos are like the AFC team to the Cowboys, for me. Like a whole bunch of- Oh you said Cowboys!


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[Assistant] Mine's not gonna be good, guys. I don't wanna... Mine's, mine's gonna... I've already roasted myself.


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[Assistant] You think he would just have enough, uh, gold band commercials to really cover for that, right? He would have been Dan Snyder's perfect QB.


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[Assistant] Because look bro, y'all can say whatever you want to say about the Dallas Cowboys. Say whatever you want. At the end of the day.


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[Assistant] Across every single sport. I'm talking about soccer, okay? European soccer. They are ten times stronger than us and their zeal. But still.


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[Assistant] Who? The commander. Like, so, that just, that argument means like nothing.


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[Assistant] What do you guys have coming out on your YouTube channels this week?


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[Assistant] I don't have crap because my computer's still in the shop and my rough cut that I did is sitting on it, so I don't even know if it'll be there. I might have to redo the whole darn video.


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[Assistant] But it is a video on why the Texans are so bad. You know what their first game was? Against the Cowboys, and they won. Yep, and they won! They won! We wanted, like, we wanted to set them up for success. Honestly, as bad as your computer is, it still performs better in the Clutch than the Dallas Cowboys.


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[Assistant] Okay, your quarterback is Mitch Trubisky. That's all I'm gonna say to everything you say. Whatever, you know what? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You know what else? You pressed on TJ Watt to draft Taco Charlton for need.


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[Assistant] I don't wanna hear it, buddy. Well, we're not paying Mitch Trubisky for a million a year. How's that sound?


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[Assistant] I got, um, NFL fans during free agency dropping either today or tomorrow. I look, I understand now.


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[Assistant] What Tom has been going through with these 32 shirts every video. It's...


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[Assistant] It's not enjoyable, but it will be out. So be on the lookout. My gosh. My gosh.


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[Assistant] It's on the way. Patience, you can't rush art. It's no, it's uploaded. How much did you get? Not looking forward to this tree. What did you get? Five Oh three Oh six. I'm I'm out.


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[Assistant] I already did. That's why we're here. That's all you have to do. That's your punishment. Buy another Mac.


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[Assistant] When it's fixed, I have to use it. It's terrible. It's, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Chat, help us come up with a punishment for five. His favorite team, for whatever reason, are, is the New York Giants. Keep that in mind.


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[Assistant] I do know the rules. So basically you set up a bunch of wickets and you throw the ball at it and you have to knock off the wickets. Well knock off or you have to catch the ball after it's hit.


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[Assistant] Can I wear a chest protector? Yeah, you could. Yeah. You can wear a helmet.


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[Assistant] Actually, that's a good one. The reenact the Danny Dimes stumble. Oh, that's not bad. It's not bad. I could do that. That's a good one. I could do that.


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[Assistant] I'll do the Danny Dimes stumble in my Eli Manning jersey.


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[Assistant] I'd say it's more like 80. Yeaah.


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[Assistant] Alright, I'll do that. I'll do the Danny Derps, uh, stumble. Alright. Is that fair?


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[Assistant] Yeah, Ben, this is it. Yes.


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[Assistant] I apologize for my outburst there. Uhm, it's been a rough week. A lot of people in the comments have been calling me a beta. I don't know what that means, but I had, I think it has something to do with the fish and I was just trying to assert my dominance right from the get go.


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[Assistant] That's the thing, there's two stories here. There's criticizing Urban Meyer as the football head coach, which


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[Assistant] You can do because he should have been with the team. Like that's the real issue. He didn't go back with the team after they lost. He said he needed to go and decompress and regather his thoughts. A bunch of stupid stuff that you don't see other head coaches do.


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[Assistant] Then there's this whole, like, personal side, his connection with his family, with his wife, and this is the part I wanted to talk about real quick because we haven't really mentioned it yet, is his wife had to go to Twitter to say she's getting off of social media because of all the crap she's getting from people, which is incredibly unfair, like,


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[Assistant] Rumored to be ready to coach again, and we repeat.


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[Assistant] They showed the clip of Urban saying that to him, uh, people wanted to like turn it into something, but it's pretty like innocent clip. But the way Vic Fangio talks, he just reminds me of my uncle. Is that a good or bad thing?


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[Assistant] So yeaah, it's my coach and I said, I liked the, the, uh, John Harbaugh play call, but yesterday Will and I talked to Dave Damishek, Steelers fan, not a fan of the Ravens.


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[Assistant] He agreed with Vic Fangio, and his reasoning behind it was because...


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[Assistant] There's like this sideline angle of the field and you can see like the Broncos don't know what's going on. The Ravens didn't really know what's going on. And his issue was that the Broncos didn't even have a real chance to defend the play. So it was a give me three yards to get the record.


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[Assistant] And had Vic Fangio known that the Ravens were going to try to run that play there, maybe the Broncos call a defensive play.


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[Assistant] She punched them in the mouth and saved a shred of dignity from a otherwise just horrible gay.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sneak attack, didn't know it was coming, but leading up to that, the Broncos used a bunch of timeouts to try to get a garbage time touchdown before the game ended. It's like, it doesn't matter. Like it can be.


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[Assistant] Angry about that, but it's like one of those things as a head coach, I think you just sort of deflect so it doesn't become the story. Or you let it become the story because your team played so bad, people are talking about that instead of the more important issue. I don't know.


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[Assistant] Uh, what am I doing? Oh my god. Come on, come on, there we go. These are my, these are my


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[Assistant] Okay, here's the deal. That's photos from a video that's like two years old.


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[Assistant] We're hoping they come back because I went out to my little friend.


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[Assistant] The mafia, and I'm gonna use one of their, uh, bookies. And I'm not doing so well, so I'm gonna try to, I'm gonna try to make up some points this week. So they don't feed me, pardon my French, to the,


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[Assistant] Freaking bears. Freaking bears! I know you got a little scared there, Scooter. Uh, some teams I'm gonna pick.


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[Assistant] Uh, the dolphins at plus ten, the Texans at plus nine, the Colts at plus seven, cause daddy needs to live, cause I do have a child, and uh, if...


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[Assistant] That is incorrect, is the Falcons. Uh, they're not gonna have Calvin Ridley. Uh, who's their other receiver? Gage? Jackson? Gage?


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[Assistant] I can't even take a dump. My life is so crazy sometimes. This man is, you know it Frank. I didn't, like that stuff used to fly like in the 50s. Like when you could go out on the road for work for two months and nobody knew like you were with a different family.


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[Assistant] Uhm, cheated sometimes, sometimes he didn't, sometimes he beat his old coach, Bill Belichick, uh, one time.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna leave him out as much as I would like to put him in.


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[Assistant] Uh, I think Tom's probably a good father. Uhm. If I said we shouldn't judge Urban for his personal life and how he's handled those decisions, I feel like him and Bridget have worked it out. They've got a kid there, so you know, you gotta be a good dad, be a good


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[Assistant] Divorced couple or whatever it is to raise that kid. So I think.


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[Assistant] It's nice to see Tom actually work with another actor though. Usually he's shooting everything, it's just Tom.


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[Assistant] Yeah, look, here's the, you know what's kind of crappy is the buccaneers are still at number five.


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[Assistant] I wish that the Buccaneers and Cowboys were playing this week, but because I think the Cowboys are better prepared because that game was competitive anyway, but I think they're better prepared to beat Tampa Bay right now. I think the Cowboys story outside of the offense being balanced and good is their defenses stepped up their defenses.


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[Assistant] Not horrible, and uh, Micah Parsons, that was, that was a smart draft pick. Dude is getting a ton of pressures.


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[Assistant] Uh, on the quarterback. You've got Diggs, who is five picks so far this season. So to me, it's Dallas.


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[Assistant] Buffalo's defense looks really good, but they haven't played a lot of good competition yet. So, uh, and Tampa Bay's defense struggling to stop the pass and all of their corners are hurt.


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[Assistant] We don't actually need another corner. That's what's kinda crazy. We're, the Broncos are getting Ronald Darby back this week off IR. So they've got Darby, they've got Fuller, they've got Sir Tan, and they've got Bryce Callahan.


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[Assistant] So they have four starting caliber corners. It's like the one position where I'm like,


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[Assistant] Pass. I would have, the brokers actually need Jalen Smith more than...


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[Assistant] Gilmore. Cause they lost their starting linebacker in Josie Jewel. I think they have depth there, but.


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[Assistant] Urban Meyer being a college football coach that we don't think can handle the NFL where Matt Ruhl, complete opposite.


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[Assistant] Coming up from the college level, the reason he was brought up is because they liked the way he demonstrated the ability to be a leader.


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[Assistant] And that's like the question with a college coach coming to NFL, like, can that translate? And I think it's working in Carolina. You had a GM who wanted rule to be there too. So there's like this nice relationship there, but yeah, the Panthers.


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[Assistant] Our team, I think that are doing a lot of the right things, especially getting, uh, the league leader in rushing touchdowns and Sam Darnold on the field.


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[Assistant] Zach Wilson got, he's, he has Robert Sala now, not Adam Gase, but.


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[Assistant] I've got one now. I thought about one. Okay, what? The Raiders actually having a pass rush has been a surprise to me.


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[Assistant] Well, I picked the, the Seahawks, you know, at home Thursday night.


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[Assistant] But, uh, my heart wants the Rams to win. I just feel like it's a game Seattle gets.


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[Assistant] They've, like, Russell Wilson's been so good this year, but they've been the Seahawks, where stuff just goes wrong for them and they lose, like, a quarter they can't score, another quarter their defense doesn't play, like,


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[Assistant] I think they might just have a solid full game tonight. Call me crazy.


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[Assistant] We outlasted Aaron Rodgers and Shailene, boys. We're moving up in the world.


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[Assistant] I mean dude, I feel like you're gonna wear one of those P100 gas masks that just cover up everything. I feel like that's gonna be, you're gonna be Bane. Yes.


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[Assistant] He could die. Come to Pittsburgh, Aaron.


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[Assistant] I mean, I feel like we're all going to be disappointed. Part of me still thinks he retires and I


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[Assistant] Just the way he was talking this past year, I feel like a lot of him's just tired of the NFL's BS. He has nothing really else to accomplish. He has a ring. He has a crap ton of money.


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[Assistant] If they can make it work, Packers, but otherwise, he might retire. I mean, I don't s-


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[Assistant] The only other team I can see him go to is maybe the Broncos because of the Nathaniel Hackett connection.


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[Assistant] Yeah, you also have to consider like you can convert it into a signing bonus and like push it back a year if you need be. So that's usually more traditional restructure. So the signing bonus like doesn't count against the cap or as much against the cap. I think it's more based salary.


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[Assistant] I feel like, I feel like it was like kind of predictable because of like the kind of the allegation that they bought their championship because they, you know, they, they got all of their players in the trade market. They brought in a lot of star players. They didn't build through the drafts. Like it's, it kind of reminds me of like a ring chasing game.


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[Assistant] I'm more surprised that the Rams figured out they had Cooper Cup in their lineup.


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[Assistant] My favorite moment is Tom Brady looking like he's 140 pounds dripping sweat and then running like a 5.640 yard dash.


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[Assistant] I like most of my time I've done dumbbells and my max I think was like 95, like eight times.


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[Assistant] And I just swore again, but guess what? Guess what? This is why I don't like you, man. You keep mocking me, you know?


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[Assistant] We're going to Denver. As I told you, you're getting correct cousins and you're going to like it. Yes, you are.


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[Assistant] Give me about a year, I will probably still get blown the hell off the ball. I will probably be dead in about three plays if I even make it that far.


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[Assistant] If I'm on the ice, I will slip and fall and probably die. And if I add baseball, I will probably be nowhere near and tear something and die. And basketball, let's, let's not even go to basketball.


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[Assistant] No, no, what you do is you bring out his girlfriends or his ex's phone number.


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[Assistant] I don't know, uh, Urban Meyer at all really. I met him the other day, you know, shook his hand before the game and after the game.


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[Assistant] You're gonna look at my skirt and go, OH MY GOD YOU HUH!


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[Assistant] Someone is echoing, but my gosh. Look, I understand putting on a backpack takes off 10 years, but what's the objective here? What's in the backpack that you can't


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[Assistant] But also, what is Mark Davis supposed to say? It's like, you're asking him, should we release it? Is Mark Davis gonna be like, no, we should not release it. I don't think, I think you guys did a good job.


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[Assistant] I think we know why Jerry Jones is okay with how this is handled and he might have a couple of his friends implicated.


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[Assistant] It could be a very magical season. You look at the standings. We're three and a half games ahead of every team in the NFC East.


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[Assistant] This is a call for people who know more information than I do. Okay, this is gonna come down to, what's the medical staff saying? Right? Like, what are the coaches saying? I'm not there watching the practices. I don't know.


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[Assistant] With or without Rain Dakota Prescott. You understand what I'm saying? That's how we're built this year. Wow. Who's the backup? Is it Ben Danucci? Uh, no, it would be Cooper Rush. It would be Rush Hour.


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[Assistant] What are you guys going that game? Cowboys vs Vikings?


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[Assistant] With a 80% deck, who wins that game? What do we think?


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[Assistant] I thought when he went to the Cardinals, it was weird. Like it was just like an odd decision. You know, random. Why the Cardinals of all places. But I think this goes back


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[Assistant] To a larger issue. Do you guys ever, have you guys looked at how JJ Watt trains? Like his philosophy and everything?


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[Assistant] This dude, like just watch a video, just google like JJ Wa and how his philosophy on training really in life in general. This guy goes like ham. I'm talking about


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[Assistant] No wonder he's getting injured because he's pushing his body so hard all the time. You think it's that? I honestly do. I think this man is pushing his body all the time. I watched one thing and he's like,


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[Assistant] Listen, I don't eat out, I eat the right stuff all the time, and I think it's catching up to him, honestly!


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[Assistant] It's interesting. It's interesting. I honestly think like he's just doing, his body is just doing too much and it's, we're seeing the breakdown of his body. I'm not sure though. I could be wrong, but if you listen to this man, like how he trains, it's just like, bro, no wonder this stuff is happening. Give your body a break. Relax. Go on a vacation. It's okay.


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[Assistant] But like, is this the end of JJ? JJ Watt? Is it the era of TJ Watt?


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[Assistant] I do! Bro, someone updated my subscriber count is like a year and a half old. Someone go update it right now. Stop playing.


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[Assistant] That's up there with TO's middle name.


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[Assistant] We should stan Pat. There's gonna be a lot of pressure.


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[Assistant] But, uh, that doesn't mean we should just trade him away. Because there's gonna be...


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[Assistant] More injuries this season. We don't know what's happening. Football is a game of injuries and the Cowboys have been very, very fortunate that injuries have not struck our team like it has in past seasons. So if I'm the Cowboys.


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[Assistant] I'm definitely not getting rid of anyone on this team. I'm keeping our core intact and that includes Michael Gallup.


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[Assistant] It would make for some great reaction videos. I'll say that. I will be sad though. I will be sad.


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[Assistant] And another point that I failed to mention in talking about the Cowboys, we're getting so many players back now too. We had this buy.


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[Assistant] That got a chance to heal up. But not only that, Lyle Collins is back now. One of our best offensive linemen. He's back. And I guess Mike McCarthy has some type of backbone because he said, Lyle, you don't just get your starting job back. You thought you got to earn that back. I don't know what y'all were doing in Green Bay.


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[Assistant] Who's playing Words with Friends? I thought Lyle Collins was suspended, yea. For peonies, right? For refusing to take a test.


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[Assistant] Is enough. I've heard enough foolishness. He said go ask Urban Meyer some questions. Stop asking me. Go ask him.


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[Assistant] Someone break down, like, what has happened? For those who haven't watched, what happened game one and what happened game two? Someone do a brief overview.


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[Assistant] And have the Astros been caught yet?


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[Assistant] Who are you guys picking to win the World Series 3-5?


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[Assistant] You have the opportunity for one of the teams who is ahead of the Cowboys right now to get an L, making us closer to our goal of home field advantage. Either way, I'm happy.


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[Assistant] I think honestly though, Kyler Murray is a beast. So no team has really been able to slow down Kyler Murray.


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[Assistant] I don't really think, uh, the Packers, with all those injuries Tom was saying, is gonna be able to do it. Good luck. Good luck though. Have fun. Good luck.


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[Assistant] I don't know, and that's why I'm not paid the big bucks over there, because it's like, to me, I'm looking at like, how they handled Rosen, right? Rosen just getting passed, passed around the league.


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[Assistant] And now there seems like Tua might be getting ready to do the same thing, like a Tua tour.


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[Assistant] I don't know though. I think they might have, they need to give him a little bit more time though. Literally give him a little bit more time. He's been injured. He hasn't even played like really a full season almost. So if it were me, I would give him a little bit more time.


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[Assistant] As well as Inject Chicken, who was wilding.


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[Assistant] So I'm dressed like a packer's cheerleader?


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[Assistant] Because I am secure in my masculinity.


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[Assistant] I will buy a Green Bay Packers.


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[Assistant] Cheerleader outfit with some pom poms and do a little cheer for you guys.


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[Assistant] Uh, no, but we did just finish the CD Lamb, uh, shoot, so if you wanna go see that, Walmart, it's up on all my socials, shout out to Walmart Plus, and...


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[Assistant] Listen, we are the Piston Tree Podcast with 5 Star Bids and the Dumpster Fire Podcast. That's it.


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[Assistant] Follow up question, was there an after party and were you invited?


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[Assistant] I love it. Considering how many people migrated on over, uh, when we drafted Quaywalker and then when we drafted Devante Wyatt that we didn't get a wide receiver, though I had been trying to prepare the fan base for quite some time, that there's a good shot that we weren't gonna get a wide receiver.


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[Assistant] I actually correctly predicted four guys that the Packers wound up drafting in one mock draft. Usually I get like one or two, I got four in this theme mock draft.


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[Assistant] I did Devonte Wyatt, Christian Watson, Romeo Dubs, and uhm, Is it a Katie, I think? Uh, the, the, the, the rusher. So, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Oh, A minus. A minus. A minus. The only thing is, like, Quay Walker, like, people are saying, like, that could be a bit of a reach. So I wouldn't have minded, like, again, it doesn't matter because I think we got the value where we needed to get it. So I'm, I'm overall very happy with it. Coleman was pretty high on Quay Rossi.


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[Assistant] It was just him and Campbell now. There was just Chris Barnes and that was it.


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[Assistant] Yeah, well, we've needed D-line help forever next to Kenny Clark. So like now...


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[Assistant] Yeah, there's so much, like they're so good. And so, and that's the thing too, like their O line should be great. Dave Bakhtiari and Elton Jenkins coming back and are running back. So we think we have one of the best tandems in the league. It's literally just wide receivers. So if they can make those guys work, they're going to be rocking.


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[Assistant] I wanted Pickens or I wanted Watson. And so like Watson I think had a higher ceiling and I think Pickens was a little bit more NFL ready.


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[Assistant] I wanted where we were. The guy I wanted all along was Jameson Williams, but I knew unless we traded up for him, we weren't going to get him. And it's funny because Rogers literally said that he was the most NFL ready wide receiver in the draft. So nope, the Lions did it.


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[Assistant] I mean, if it wasn't honey badger who's already gone now, I mean, the only guy and I would love for him to be on a vet minimum and try to stay healthy and why not is Julio Jones. The only other guy I'd be like, why not? We give them the vet minimum. Okay.


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[Assistant] They're not worried about wide receiver because since Andrew Thomas had more touchdowns than both Kenny Galladay and Kaderius Tony, they're just going to throw him out there.


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[Assistant] Uhm, I will say, in that video with Quay Walker, I also had Tyler Smith going at the end of the first, so I don't think it's as outrageous, I just think it's funny considering how penalized he was going to the Cowboys and their line is so penalized, but he can move around, like he's not, he's a good player.


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[Assistant] My question is, for both Scooter and Five, another team that had a pretty darn good draft was the Philadelphia Eagles getting, said Jordan Davis, getting AJ Brown from the Titans. Were we a little concerned here now? Cause they had two firsts. In the draft, Carson wins.


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[Assistant] So like, I think that that's a great pickup for them. They have now two, arguably two number one wide receivers.


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[Assistant] The thing is, like, usually the bad teams, sorry, the bad teams have the best drafts, right? But, like, the Ravens had an incredible draft and they're already a good team. Like, them getting Kyle Hamilton is such a Raven pick.


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[Assistant] I literally didn't have time to do the Jordan Love one, and I literally remembered today, like before we went live, so I have to do the Jordan Love punishment still.


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[Assistant] Before we continue any further, can we get someone to explain why I'm wearing a gosh darn green babe?


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[Assistant] Honestly, it could be worse, you could be wearing an eagle's jersey, so you know what? I mean, simple blessings. Simple blessings.


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[Assistant] How does Ed Sheeran have a kickoff jacket?


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[Assistant] Okay, I think I gotta do my punishment. Let's do it. Let's get to the poem and then we'll do our sponsors. For my punishment, uhm, are we doing a sponsor first? The sponsor readout first? No, no, no. Go straight into that punishment. Okay. Then we'll do the read.


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[Assistant] So I had to come up with a poem for Aaron Rodgers, the father of the cowboys. Daddy. I call this...


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[Assistant] Do you own the cowboys? Some might say yes. A father. A husband.


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[Assistant] If you were a white woman, your name would be Karen. Please stop harassing us. Please stop thrashing us.


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[Assistant] Let us live our lives. Won't one missed call suffice? Stop doing the most. You could be the Jeopardy host.


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[Assistant] Alright, well hey, let me tell you this. DraftKings Sportsbook is giving all new players a deposit bonus up to $1,000 with their first deposit when you use the code and I want you to listen closely.


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[Assistant] Clickbait. C-L-I-C-K-B-A-I-T. Just like this show. Mass clickbait. And then you head over to the DraftKings Sportsbook app and check out all they have to offer. They have like same gay parlays, uh, play hard drops, live betting, so much more. But guess what?


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[Assistant] I really like what they're doing right now. And guess what? Draft Kings is giving new customers $200 in free bets instantly when they bet $1 or more at any football game. So say, guess what? If I'm gonna go Bucks and Cowboys and I'm gonna bet against the Cowboys cause they are gonna lose, Scooter. I'm sorry. They're not going 15 and two, but I get, I could potentially get $200 free.


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[Assistant] Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey, Tom, Tom, I'm just saying this out of reality. But if Sportsbook isn't available in your state, DraftKings Fantasy app offers millions of dollars in total prizes every week, like basketball, I know that's a weekly fantasy thing that I'm doing as well. I'll probably lose because I'm not good at this stuff, but you know what? It's not gonna stop me from trying.


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[Assistant] And thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring the stream. Let's go on to another fantastic moment. TJ Watts getting paid.


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[Assistant] TJ Watt's getting paid and the Ravens are dropping like flies. Gus Edwards tears his ACL potentially. Marcus Peters potentially tears his ACL on back to back plays in practice.


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[Assistant] Their entire skill positions are going off. Uh, Justice Hill, J.K. Dobbins, Gus Edwards, Miles Boykin, Rashad Bateman, Marcus Peters. That's six guys right there. They're brought in Le'Veon Bell, who's probably gonna be their number one running back. I'm not sure who their other guys are. They'll probably bring in


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[Assistant] They tried out Elijah Hole, if you own Devontae Freeman, they might bring them in.


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[Assistant] Deletavious Murray just got cut as well. Yea, Devontae Freeman. He's alive? Yea, he's still alive. Yea, yea, I'm surprised he survived the Giants, especially with how bad they've been this year. But, uh, quick question to everyone in the chat, are the Ravens screwed? Five. How do you feel about the Ravens and their endless AC outsiders? You know,


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[Assistant] This, stuff like this happens to teams all the time and, and they, they, the Ravens have, uh,


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[Assistant] If it was, if they were losing linemen, this would be bad. If, if they were losing parts, key parts, but running backs, I would say are less, I think the Ravens would be fine.


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[Assistant] Is the future of the Ravens. The Ravens will go as far as Lamar Jackson goes. All these other injuries are ancillary. They don't help.


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[Assistant] I'm looking at it. Here's the order. Perna goes first. Somehow he sets up the league and he gets the number one. He gets the number one. Wow. Totally not fixed at all. Can we get an investigation into that please? Yep. Then it's Kami Gras. Collusion.


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[Assistant] Then, uh, pick three is me, Fivertarianism, pick four is Scoots, pick five is the Leader of Men, Leaders of Men is the name of Tree's team by the way, and then six is the Fan, so.


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[Assistant] No, if you go to brands, you can put the one from yesterday or last week. I deleted it.


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[Assistant] What's the rule? Round one, you gotta pick whoever was most liked. The fan, uh, the fan selected on the Twitter score.


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[Assistant] Good. I hope he drops everything. Just for you.


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[Assistant] Oh god. Let's go, he's probably activated, right? He's probably gonna be.


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[Assistant] So what's round two, what round two is? Round two is uhm.


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[Assistant] What are you supposed to pick in round two? We pick it, right? Yea, we pick it. Alright, who do you want me picking? I think you should draft Big Ben.


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[Assistant] He is! He's a free agent! Pick him! Okay, choose for me. Who should I pick, guys? Quick! Ben Denucci?


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[Assistant] He's on the Cowboys practice squad. Don't ever disrespect Ben DiNucci like that again in your lifetime. Let's go.


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[Assistant] Oh, this is the start all season? You have to start them all season. Okay, okay. Hmm, who am I gonna start all season?


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[Assistant] This is the best draft I've ever been a part of in all- Guess who I get to draft. This is the worst draft. Guess who I get to draft.


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[Assistant] I'm on the clock chat, who should I take? 20 seconds. Pick Zeke and he can fumble everything again. Wow.


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[Assistant] The disrespect, you know what, just because you disrespected my guy like that, we're going, we're going Zeke!


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[Assistant] Good, good, I bet. You know what? I got, I have a hint. I got a big ol' chub. And it's for Nick Chub! Ooh! Chub!


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[Assistant] And I'm back on the clock. What's round four? What's round four? It's sexiest. Sexiest man.


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[Assistant] Well, uh, you know, I may have a thing for George Kittle, so you know what, I'm gonna pick George Kittle. Chad, who's, who, who are some sexy guys?


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[Assistant] I'm not saying my sexy pic because I know who I'm tic.


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[Assistant] I think you're being BS. You're doing this on purpose, Brandon. Oh my gosh!


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[Assistant] Let's go. Let's go. Already know. Okay, they say you look a little bit like me. Of course. I'm about to draft.


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[Assistant] The most alpha of all alpha males, the specimen that is, DK Metcalf. That is it.


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[Assistant] That, uh, guy, so I can just take the best player available, huh? I can't believe you got a


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[Assistant] I'm just gonna, I'm gonna do this just to spite Scooter. I'm gonna take CD-Land.


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[Assistant] That's fine. That's fine. You can have CD lamb. Because I already had this guy queued up. Okay. We're going ham. We're going ham.


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[Assistant] Kyle Pitts, huh? Not bad. Well, you know what? He did me well last year. I'm going Stefan Diggs.


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[Assistant] So you can pick Devontae Smith, you can pick, uh, Jamar Chase, Jalen Waddle. Oh, Waddle's a big pick. Oh, okay. Uh, I am going to take my favorite rookie. I was so happy when he was drafted.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna ride or die with Daniel Jones, baby! Danny Jones, there you go. There it is.


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[Assistant] I'm riding or dying. I'm probably dying. I got Ben Denucci. I got Dak.


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[Assistant] Well, uh, apparently I'm picking myself. I have no idea why, but uh, yeaah. Uhm, yeaah. Things are pretty screwed up. What's round 8?


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[Assistant] Let's get it, baby! There it is. Bro. I wanted to pick Kaepernick, but he's not available. Dang.


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[Assistant] Okay, I say we pick whoever we want until the last round and then chat gets to decide our last pick as fast as possible. Fair enough.


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[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, we're winning. We're winning. I hate you.


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[Assistant] This is gonna get rough. Uh, Scoots not fucked. Scoots is on the clock.


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[Assistant] Y'all aren't ready for this combo, okay? Y'all aren't ready!


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[Assistant] And I'm gonna take the guy that we just got good news on today, DeAndre Swift.


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[Assistant] I'm taking a kicker. Oh, you are a mega, you are a deuce, deuce, deuce.


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[Assistant] There's gonna be some redundancy here in my other fantasy league just for my sanity. Okay, I'm taking the same players and I think this guy is gonna put in some work. Not week one though. Not week one. Here we go.


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[Assistant] Mmmmmmmm. Okay! Very, very kinky, and with my second pick, I'm going to pick the running back who is more than likely going to literally die on the football field. That man's name is Josh Jacobs. Mmm.


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[Assistant] Well, the quarterback's still available. You got Kyler Murray, Justin Herbert, Lamar Jackson, Russell Wilson, Tom Brady, and Matt Zappert. I think they'll be okay. Yes. Just to, uh, just to spite, just to spite Brandon, I think we gotta do this. Just to spite, just to spite. Oh, Melvin Gordon.


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[Assistant] I'm on the board. No, he's gonna pick Phillip Lindsay. I need some depth here. You need more than depth. You need width too.


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[Assistant] I think I can win. I need another kicker, so I'm gonna take Kareem Ha.


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[Assistant] And I'm gonna pick the best defense in the league. That's the Washington football team. We bet $10,000 on this league, right? WTF? No, we bet $20,000. Listen, I'm picking this defense.


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[Assistant] You know what? I-I-I hate life and everyone is going to, uh, be a living hell. So you know what? I'm picking the 49ers.


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[Assistant] You know what else is going to be juicy and delicious? Picking another skill position player because I am


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[Assistant] Oh, I'm going to pick a guy. I'm just picking all meme players because that's the way it goes. I'm going to pick the guy that's going to dance on some logos. Corvette, Corvette, Juju. Ooh, there you go. Nice pick, nice pick. Corvette, Corvette.


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[Assistant] Let's fill out the, uh, the wide receivers, the flex position. You know what?


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[Assistant] Well, I'm gonna go pick her because it's the last pick. I, I wonder who they're gonna pick for me. So you know what? I'm gonna go Harrison Bucker. Cause I know exactly who they're picking.


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[Assistant] Chat. Well, I did get a super chat request. It is the most money donated thus far. I will honor the wishes of the super chat. Listen. Someone said Sarah Fuller. He may not be, he may not be with us anymore. Yes. Can I pick Sarah Fuller in this link?


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[Assistant] Well, we're going Brett Maher, ladies and gentlemen. Brett Maher. Ah, I can't pick. Me! Hurry up! Hurry up, everyone! Who's it gonna be? Alright, that's really good. Hi, Fairburn!


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[Assistant] I've got Aaron Rodgers, Kyle LaLetta, Juju Smith Schuster, Calvin Benjamin is my flex.


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[Assistant] And, uh, I do have DK Metcalf. Very, very proud of that.


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[Assistant] Yo, I'm not gonna lie, my bench could win multiple leagues. Like, my bench could win multiple leagues. Don't forget, Brandon, you gotta go pick up, um, Fitzgerald, Fitzpatrick.


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[Assistant] Okay, can we look at who the autodrafts are? So we can see. Now, Chad, keep in mind.


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[Assistant] You guys are a representation of the auto-draft. If you guys beat us, we're thinking of some ways that let us know.


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[Assistant] Antonio Gibson's on the bench. Alan Robinson's the fourth wide out. James Robinson is like the fifth string.


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[Assistant] Wow. Someone says you have to make an OnlyFans if you lose.


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[Assistant] Oh wait. With the NFL returning, DraftKings is giving all customers the opportunity to participate in this week's no-brainer offer. So if you download the app today, this is the deal you will get. DraftKings Sportsbook has moved the spread in the Tampa


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[Assistant] And if you haven't tried DraftKings yet, don't miss out. DraftKings is giving new customers $200 in free bets instantly when they bet $1 or more on any football game. Download the DraftKings Sports app now and use promo code clickbait.


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[Assistant] Drive Kings is America's top rated sports app. It's safe, secure, and reliable. You can deposit and withdraw your money. America? Oh my god. Like America's team.


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[Assistant] Great read. Listen, if you want to lose money, bet against the Cowboys. Don't make us do a segment!


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[Assistant] Thanks, not Big Ben. Chat, if you're interested in seeing that segment next week, type W right now. Cause I want to see that as well. I think we should do a big fat L there. L, L, L.


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[Assistant] So let me take lead on this one. Uh, just for some reason, I feel like this, this topic speaks to me the most. Okay guys, listen, this is what we have coming up. We have America's team.


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[Assistant] The most expensive franchise in all of the world across any sport. What a waste of money. Going up against...


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[Assistant] Tom Brady and the defending Super Bowl champs, prime time, Thursday night football, first game of the season, I am ready, I am hype. Now, we don't have Zach Martin, okay? We don't have our number one player on offense. Not my words, those were Zeke's words. We don't have him. So we're gonna have to try.


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[Assistant] And find a way to will ourselves to victory. Short passes, screens, runs, bash them over and over and over again.


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[Assistant] Press one if you disagree with Scooter. 28 to 24, he's calling. 28, 24, the Dallas Cowboys shock the world. Not me though. I knew this was gonna happen. And then what will you guys say next week?


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[Assistant] I say that the Cowboys are gonna get creamed and Mike McCarthy is going to run away at halftime for a free massage from not Deshaun Watson's massage. Crush those watermelons!


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[Assistant] Nobody would miss them if they went away. They're the James Corden.


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[Assistant] That would be the most watched league in all of sports. No, no, no, no. I'm just letting you know. Oh, they could go on NBC and play Notre Dame. We can get our own league and more people would watch that than the Pittsburgh Steelers week one.


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[Assistant] I'm gonna weigh in on this because Scooter, you said something that sort of resonated with me is, uh, you said that the Cowboys are the most expensive or most valuable team in the league.


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[Assistant] In the world. In the universe. In the universe. I'm just saying, Prada shoes are really expensive and they are trash, okay? Like, I'm not spending five grand on a pair of Prada shoes, and I'm not spending five grand to see a game in Dallas!


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[Assistant] Cause look, I look forward to the next 20 years when the Green Bay Packers don't have Aaron Rodgers holding them up.


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[Assistant] Dropping them up, year in and year out. And we're gonna see how much of a fan Tom Grosse is when Aaron Rodgers is no longer on your team and he's a Denver Bronco.


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[Assistant] Everyone here is talking about the past.


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[Assistant] The future is, the Cowboys are nine point dogs. The line has moved already. That's one of the largest lines I've seen for an opening game. For a kickoff Thursday, I have not seen a line that big in a long time. And, uh, my money is on hand. It started at seven and a half.


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[Assistant] Brandon, would you like to weigh in on this? You've been a little quiet here.


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[Assistant] Fair point. I will say that could be, that might be the biggest factor in this game. Period. Literally just Dak getting caught up. Literally. But I think the staff knows that as well. I think the staff knows Zack Martin is out and


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[Assistant] Our offensive coordinator, Kellen Moore, is a smart guy. He's going, he's not going to put Dak in bad positions. You're gonna see a lot of quick passes, a lot of slants, a lot of screams. You're gonna see a lot of runs away from Indomicon Soup.


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[Assistant] At the end of the day, the game must be played. You can talk all this trash, how much we're gonna lose by, all the cowboys. The game has to be played any given Sunday. We're about to shock the world.


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[Assistant] That would be my, alright. So let's go around, let's do predictions. What do we think the score is going to be in this game? I already said 28-24, Cowboys take it. What are we thinking? Who else wants to?


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[Assistant] Here's another reason why, uh, 2810. Okay, I'll take that, 2810.


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[Assistant] Here's another reason why I think the Cowboys do have a chance just to, just to play doubles advocate, just to play doubles advocate because it is week one. It is week one. You see this all the time in sports.


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[Assistant] Week one upstakes. And they come in week one. You see it in college football all the time. You see it in the NFL. Because it is week one. People are still getting caught up. To Brandon's point as well.


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[Assistant] Everyone had a shortened offseason.


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[Assistant] This year, there were, there were not the same amount of preseason games this year because there's more games in the season this year. So everyone is essentially starting not at up to snuff week one.


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[Assistant] I don't think the Tampa's offense is going to be that good, but they're going to clamp down on the Cowboys and Zeke's going to fumble about two times.


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[Assistant] I guess as, you know, I think that the game is going to be ugly to start. I think the Cowboys will be able to stay in it. It'll be close in the beginning because everyone will be just be amped up and ready to play. But eventually, and this is what Tampa did very well last year is they will just wrestle the other team down and finally put the hooks in and set that rear naked choke.


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[Assistant] But it'll be close. The first half will be close. Might be like 7-0 at the end of the first half. But, uh, yeaah.


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[Assistant] Listen, y'all better pray, y'all better pray that the cowboys lose. Because if and when we win, the amount of trash talk that I will be talking will be astronomical.


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[Assistant] And Daniel Schell and Stephen, thank you. I'm like kind of nervous. How do you look at all your supercasts? So if you go to YouTube. Go to live streaming and chat revenue.


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[Assistant] Go to viewer activity. Viewer activity.


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[Assistant] Alright. Picture of all of us. Scooter, we're gonna walk through this. Alright.


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[Assistant] I appreciate you guys. Can somebody just knock me out with this?


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[Assistant] Where can they see that stream at, Tom? Youtube.com slash TomGrossieComedy! Crucial. Crucial. I too!


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[Assistant] We will be streaming the game. I'm doing actually a sponsored stream. I will be with Demarcus Ware.