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[Assistant] Meanwhile, back in Britain, both the Scottish Covenanters and the English Parliament were constantly worried Charles was going to cut a deal with the rebels and bring them over en masse to fight his war for him.


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[Assistant] In September of 1643, all these threads joined together right around the time Charles and Essex were having it out at Newbury.


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[Assistant] On September the 15th, five days before Nubri, the English royal forces in Ireland signed a one-year truce with the rebels called the Cessation, which would allow the English forces to head home and fight for the king, because as I mentioned, that was Charles' plan.


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[Assistant] Then on September the 25th, five days after Nubery,


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[Assistant] The Covenanters and Parliament finally swore to something called the Solemn League and Covenant, which had been in negotiations since the summer.


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[Assistant] What the Scots got was a pledge from Parliament that the religions of Scotland and England would be unified under their Presbyterian system. Which, let's face it, is basically what Charles had been trying to do when this whole mascot started, only in reverse.


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[Assistant] What Parliament got was the 21,000-man army the Scots were able to dangle as an incentive to agree to said religious unification.


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[Assistant] Some language fudging in the final draft allowed everyone to read what they wanted to into the Solemn Legion Covenant, but the immediate effects were clear.


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[Assistant] The Scots were officially going to join the war against Charles.


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[Assistant] That was quite an ace for parliament to drop on the table.


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[Assistant] However, as the parliamentary cause was being so bolstered, it was also starting to fracture internally. And no doubt a big cause of this internal fracturing was the supremely ill-timed death of John Pym.


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[Assistant] He had been dragged down all year by cancer, and though he lived long enough to seal the deal with the Scots, he finally lost his fight with the tumor on December 8th, 1643.


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[Assistant] His death compounded a problem brought on by another death that I skipped over last week.


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[Assistant] Because on June the 8th, 1643, John Hamden died from wounds he had suffered during an insignificant skirmish at Chowgrove Field the week before.


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[Assistant] The deaths of Pym and Hamden were by no means the cause of the coming parliamentary division.


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[Assistant] But they were two of the most respected, most capable, and most diligent parliamentary leaders, and they stood firmly in the middle, in between what we will soon be calling the Peace Party and the War Party.


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[Assistant] These two parliamentary factions will duke it out for control of their war effort inside of the new governing body established under the Solemn League and Covenant.


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[Assistant] Superceding the Committee of Safety, which had been running under Pym's leadership since the beginning of the war,


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[Assistant] The Committee of Both Kingdoms was composed of fourteen select MPs and four Scottish commissioners, and they took over in February 1644.


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[Assistant] With Pymdead, the committee of both kingdoms was shepherded into being by Oliver Syngin, who was basically left to tend the centrist fires all by his lonesome.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, everyone else seemed to be lining up into the peace camp, led by men like Essex and Warwick and Manchester, who thought all of this fighting was simply a means to force Charles to negotiate a settlement.


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[Assistant] And the war camp, led by men like William Waller and Oliver Cromwell, who we'll get to in a second,


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[Assistant] Who are now firmly convinced that Charles could only be dealt with after he had been beaten militarily.


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[Assistant] While the details of the new governing committee were being worked out, the Scots crossed the River Tweed with their 20,000 plus man army in January 1644, once again led by Alexander Leslie, who you'll recall had commanded the Covenanters during the Bishops Wars.


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[Assistant] Unfortunately for you, Leslie has since become the Earl of Leven. So now we have to call him the Earl of Leven.


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[Assistant] I'm sorry. I didn't make up these rules, but I am starting to regret following them.


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[Assistant] The parliamentary hope was that the arrival of Leven and the Scots would turn the tide in the north, and that's pretty much what happened.


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[Assistant] As spring approached, parliament then also put the finishing touches on William Waller's new western army and a greatly expanded eastern association army commanded by the Earl of Manchester. So parliament was feeling pretty good about their chances.


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[Assistant] And the only person who seemed put off by all of this was the Earl of Essex.


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[Assistant] Essex saw himself as practically the vice regent of the parliamentary cause, and he had just spent the winter watching men, money, and arms that should have been his being siphoned off to Waller and Manchester, neither of whom he personally got along with, particularly Waller.


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[Assistant] But the committee of both kingdoms was adamant that Essex's army not be the only army in the field. Especially since some of them believed that Essex wasn't really pursuing this war with exactly the right amount of zeal.


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[Assistant] Because he was angling for a major role in a post-settlement royal administration.


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[Assistant] As part of the finishing touches on the Eastern Association Army, Parliament gave the Earl of Manchester a new second in command and General of the Cavalry, a man who we can put off no longer, Oliver Cromwell.


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[Assistant] The Cromwell family owned extensive property around Huntington, but because his father had been a younger son, the estates that Oliver inherited in 1617 qualified him for the lesser gentry, but not much more than that.


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[Assistant] But the Cromwells were historically connected to the Montague family, that is, the Earls of Manchester, a connection which landed Cromwell in the Parliament of 1628 as a minor backbencher, albeit one loyal to the opposition.


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[Assistant] At some point here in the late 1620s, Cromwell apparently went through a particularly dark night of the soul, manifested by depression and illness.


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[Assistant] And though it's tough to tell exactly what effect this had on him, by the early 1630s we find him a passionate and godly Puritan.


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[Assistant] He struggled for five years after being forced to move out of Huntingdon in 1631.


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[Assistant] But in 1636, his rich, childless uncle died, and Oliver Cromwell suddenly found himself running a pretty decent sized estate near Cambridge.


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[Assistant] When the short and long parliaments convened, he was elected MP for Cambridge and was an outspoken, if still minor, member of the opposition.


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[Assistant] But the fact that his cousin was John Hamden strengthened his ties to the inner circle of the Puritan dissidents.


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[Assistant] When the war broke out, he immediately started recruiting a cavalry force for parliament, and fought at Edge Hill, where he was taught a valuable lesson in the importance of well-disciplined cavalry.


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[Assistant] Both from Parliament's terrible showing, and from Rupert's failure to turn and win the war right then and there.


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[Assistant] He then went back home and spent the summer of 1643 as governor of Ely and a colonel in the original incarnation of the Eastern Association army.


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[Assistant] Anytime he got the chance to fight, he proved himself as an eminently capable cavalry officer, and when it came time to name a master of the horse for the expanded Eastern Association army in early 1644, Cromwell got the job.


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[Assistant] No doubt in part because of his connection to its new commander, the Earl of Manchester.


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[Assistant] That said, as we will see next week, that connection did not prevent Cromwell from pretty quickly growing dissatisfied, and vocally so, with his patron's generalship.


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[Assistant] So up to this point, Cromwell has been minor gentry, a backbench MP, and just another cavalry colonel in a war full of cavalry colonels.


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[Assistant] From this point on, however, his star is about to start blinding everyone.


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[Assistant] And in about five years, he'll be the King of England in all but name.


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[Assistant] When the war started up again in the spring of 1644, the various campaigns collectively tilted parliament's way.


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[Assistant] But they almost had as many setbacks as they did victories, and by the end of the year the growing war party was convinced that they needed to completely overhaul their strategy if they were actually going to win this thing.


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[Assistant] We'll start this week out in the West, where William Waller marched off to with the head of 5,000 infantry and 3,000 cavalry in March.


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[Assistant] His friend and rival Sir Ralph Hopton, now recovered from the injuries he had suffered the year before, had been reinforced, but he still only commanded an inferior army of 3200 infantry and 3800 cavalry.


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[Assistant] This royalist army was slowly moving east to try to come up on London from the south. Waller's job was to stop them.


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[Assistant] In late March, the two armies made contact and started maneuvering around each other, but Waller finally got sick of being spun around and decided to stand and fight at Chariton on March 29th.


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[Assistant] In the ensuing battle, the Royalists waged a mostly defensive fight, but at a critical moment one of their infantry regiments advanced too far forward, and Sir Arthur Hasselrig, one of the five members Charles had tried to arrest,


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[Assistant] Exploited the hole with the help of his cavalry brigade, nicknamed the Lobsters, because they were one of the very few armored cavalry units of the war.


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[Assistant] The tide then turned decisively against the royalists.


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[Assistant] But despite the defeat, Hobden was able to withdraw his guns and keep what was left of his infantry intact.


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[Assistant] His advance halted though. Hopton was ordered to bring his remaining royalist forces up to Oxford to reinforce the king's main army.


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[Assistant] So the Battle of Cheriton was the first out-and-out victory for Parliament in the war.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, up in the north, things were about to go even better for parliament.


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[Assistant] With the Scots entering the war, the Fairfaxes were able to go back on the offensive, and over the winter they routed the first contingent of forces sailing over from Ireland following the signing of the cessation.


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[Assistant] After the Scotts laid siege to Newcastle for two months, Leaven met up with the Fairfaxes in mid-April, and together they planned their next move.


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[Assistant] Now on the defensive, the Earl of Newcastle, the commander of Northern Royalist forces, remember,


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[Assistant] Pulled 6000 infantry and 5000 horse together into York.


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[Assistant] But when he discovered that the plan Leaven and the Fairfaxes had come up with was to besiege York, he ordered his cavalry out of the city so they wouldn't get trapped.


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[Assistant] As the parliamentary forces closed in on York, Prince Rupert was over in Shrewsbury, or Shrewsbury, depending on who you talk to, with 8,000 men.


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[Assistant] In late April, he started marching northish—there's a map at revolutionspodcast.com—gathering additional forces along the way, including eventually the Earl of Newcastle's cavalry,


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[Assistant] Was he going to turn northeast and relieve York? Or was he going to turn south and reinforce the king?


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[Assistant] After the victory at Chariton, the committee of both kingdoms smelled blood in the water, and decided to order all their forces, that is the armies of Waller, Essex, and Manchester, to march on Oxford and hopefully bring the king to a final battle.


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[Assistant] But with Rupert on the move, and York tantalizingly close to falling, the committee decided to break off the Eastern Association and send them up to guarantee victory in the North,


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[Assistant] Which left Essex and Waller to coordinate a campaign against Charles.


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[Assistant] And as I mentioned, Essex and Waller pretty much hated each other's guts at this point.


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[Assistant] Charles was getting reports through May that two parliamentary armies were gunning for him. Waller from the southwest and Essex from the southeast.


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[Assistant] And he scrambled to draw in every available company he could find to reinforce his position. On May the 30th, though, the King was nearly surrounded. But then Parliament blundered away the advantage. The committee, you see, had received two pieces of information.


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[Assistant] One was that the parliamentary-held city of Lime was under siege and near falling, which was true.


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[Assistant] The other was that Charles had finally seen the light and was about to come to London to negotiate an end to the war. That was total nonsense. But it was nonsense the committee was eager to believe.


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[Assistant] So, they snatched defeat from the jaws of victory by ordering Essex to send part of his army to relieve Lyme, while they themselves prepared to greet the king.


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[Assistant] Charles of course had no intention of going to London and negotiating.


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[Assistant] But that did not mean he didn't want to get out of Oxford and fast.


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[Assistant] So at the beginning of June, he marched south at the head of 2500 foot and 3000 horse, and kept marching south just long enough for Waller to buy it.


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[Assistant] When Waller bought it and started marching east to intercept, Charles immediately wheeled around and raced northwest towards Worcester.


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[Assistant] It didn't take long for Waller to realize he had fallen for a head fake, and he took off after the King, only one day's march behind. Essex, meanwhile, was only two days behind the King. If they ran Charles down, outnumbering him as they did, June of 44, King captured, end of war. But then, Essex did something super lame.


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[Assistant] On June 6th, he and Waller met to coordinate the next move.


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[Assistant] At this meeting, Essex announced that he was breaking off pursuit to march down and relieve Lyme. Waller was dumbfounded.


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[Assistant] Essex then went on to say that Waller should keep going, but wait until he had met up with approaching reinforcements before bringing the king to battle. Waller protested, but Essex pulled rank. Then, he just marched off toward Lyme.


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[Assistant] There is a reason that Essex is accused of not really being super interested in defeating the king.


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[Assistant] Waller immediately sent an angry letter to the committee of both kingdoms, outlining all of this. The committee was horrified and dashed off orders to Essex. We said a contingent of your army to lime a contingent, not your whole army. But Essex ignored them and just kept marching.


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[Assistant] By now of course, Charles had reached the temporary safety of Worcester.


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[Assistant] As all of this was unfolding, Rupert was still marching along picking up troops and seizing every town he passed.


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[Assistant] As the march progressed, it took on an increasingly brutal tone.


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[Assistant] Towns that held out were sacked mercilessly, defenders who did not immediately surrender were offered no quarter.


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[Assistant] But the ultimate objective of the march was still unclear, as Rupert remained in a position to either head south and relieve the king, or head north and relieve York.


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[Assistant] When the king got to Worcester, though, he sent off orders to Rupert that York was to be the objective. But the orders were ambiguously worded.


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[Assistant] And apparently Rupert, like, kept them in his pocket for the rest of his life, so he could produce them anytime someone started giving him crap about what's about to happen at Marston Moor.


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[Assistant] See. That York is still holding out, and there is a big enemy army in the area.


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[Assistant] In that case, the orders clearly implied that Rupert was to attack. So, that's what Rupert is about to do.


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[Assistant] And he's got the orders to prove it if you want to start giving him crap about what happened at Marston Moore.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, the king was sizing up his options and decided that his best play would be to head back to Oxford and try to rejoin the infantry and artillery he had been forced to leave behind when he fled.


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[Assistant] With only Waller's army now to contend with, he could risk the trip back.


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[Assistant] And if he was able to link up with his Oxford troops before Waller engaged him, the King might be able to turn the tables on his enemy.


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[Assistant] He left Worcester heading northwest, once again headfaking Waller, who thought the king might be trying to link up with Rupert, not knowing of course that the king had ordered Rupert off to York.


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[Assistant] When Waller rushed north to block this imagined move, the king doubled back and sped for Oxford.


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[Assistant] Waller then doubled back himself, and the two armies maneuvered around each other for a few days until they finally met at Cropperty Bridge on June 29th.


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[Assistant] Both armies fielded 5,000 cavalry apiece, but Waller held a slight infantry advantage.


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[Assistant] The ensuing battle was really more of a draw in that as night fell both armies were still facing each other.


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[Assistant] But in the fighting, Waller had lost 700 men and 11 guns, while the King had suffered almost no casualties at all.


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[Assistant] The royalist, though, decided to withdraw that night, fearing approaching parliamentary reinforcements.


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[Assistant] But they really didn't have much to fear, because Waller's army was utterly demoralized by the fight, and that's what turns Property Bridge from an arguable draw into a clear royalist victory.


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[Assistant] The next day, regiments from the Midlands and the London train bands demanded to go home.


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[Assistant] By the time Waller started releasing these increasingly mutinous troops,


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[Assistant] Heavy desertions had already devastated his ranks. The parliamentary army was now half what it had been.


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[Assistant] And Waller was now firmly convinced that local militias and part-time soldiers were never going to win the war.


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[Assistant] Parliament needed a professional standing army, or it was going to lose.


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[Assistant] The combined parliamentary forces circling the city, that is, the Scots led by Leaven, the Northern Army led by the Fairfaxes, and the Eastern Association troops led by Manchester and Cromwell, numbered some 28,000 men, the largest force we've seen in the war to date.


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[Assistant] But they weren't going to be able to fight the approaching Rupert pinned against York, so on June 29th, as Charles and Waller were fighting at Cropperty, the parliamentary forces re-mustered seven miles west of York, on the broad expanse of Marston Moor. They thought they were blocking Rupert's path.


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[Assistant] But the prince doubled back and swung above them, coming into York from the north, allowing him to link up with the Earl of Newcastle and his York garrison.


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[Assistant] Which was critical, because even with the addition of the York garrison, Rupert was only going to have 18,000 troops at his disposal to face 28,000 roundheads. When he went off to fight the battle he thought he had been ordered to fight.


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[Assistant] The parliamentary commanders, for their part, were actually convinced Rupert's plan was to continue sweeping south, and thus relieve York by forcing them to chase after him.


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[Assistant] But as the parliamentary army started to march on July the 2nd to prevent Rupert's plunge into the Midlands, someone looked up and noticed that the prince was actually gathering up his whole army on Marston Moor and was looking for all the world like he wanted a battle.


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[Assistant] Even though Rupert was lined up with his men by 9am, the all-important York garrison didn't actually show up until mid-afternoon, because their infantry commander, get this,


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[Assistant] Held a grudge against Rupert for something that had happened years earlier on the continent, and was actually trying to obstruct the prince's war effort.


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[Assistant] But the parliamentary forces couldn't take advantage of this delay, because their lines were strung out across 8 miles and they were scrambling to get back into fighting position.


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[Assistant] So it wasn't until evening that everyone was actually in place, and even then, they just stared at each other over a shallow valley for a few hours.


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[Assistant] Neither side wanted to move first because it meant that they would soon be marching uphill at the enemy and that is just a bad way to fight a battle.


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[Assistant] As seven o'clock neared and a storm approached, Rupert huddled with Newcastle and they decided battle would wait until the morning.


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[Assistant] Newcastle, retired to his coach for a smoke, it started to rain, and that's when the parliamentary army started to move.


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[Assistant] Cromwell commanded the parliamentary horse on the left and immediately dominated his side of the battle, at least until Rupert rode in with his own regiment and steadied the line.


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[Assistant] On the other side of the battle, though, Sir Thomas Fairfax's cavalry was being routed by Sir George Goering's royalist horse.


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[Assistant] With Fairfax in retreat, Goring was able to then turn and take a devastating plunge into the flank of the Scottish infantry.


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[Assistant] At this point, all three of the parliamentary generals thought that they had made a huge mistake by ordering an attack.


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[Assistant] But when Cromwell re-beat the Royalist Cavalry on his side of the battle, he did not go chasing after his defeated opponents.


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[Assistant] Instead, he held up and took stock of the situation.


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[Assistant] And that's when Thomas Fairfax came riding around the back of the royalist line.


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[Assistant] When his cavalry had broken, the Fairfax wound up charging forward rather than retreating.


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[Assistant] And then had swung around the battle to warn Cromwell that Parliament was losing badly on the right flank.


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[Assistant] So, together, they led Cromwell's cavalry the way Fairfax had just come, around the back of the Royalist lines to see if they couldn't turn the tide.


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[Assistant] Sir George Goring was still having his way with the Scottish infantry when Cromwell and Fairfax came charging in from the direction of his own lines, which is not at all where he was expecting any attack to come from.


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[Assistant] Blindsided, Gorin's cavalry was driven off, and the parliamentary infantry was able to regroup.


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[Assistant] With both royalist cavalry wings now gone, the already outnumbered royalist infantry just started getting annihilated.


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[Assistant] Most of them tried to surrender, but the Earl of Newcastle's personal regiment, the famous White Coats, refused quarter and kept fighting for a whole nother hour, until there were only like 30 of them left.


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[Assistant] In all, upwards of five thousand royalist troops now lay dead.


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[Assistant] The Battle of Marston Moor. The biggest battle of the war so far.


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[Assistant] Turned out to be a smashing parliamentary victory.


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[Assistant] The next morning, Prince Rupert blasted out of York with his 6,000 remaining troops, telling the Earl of Newcastle to raise another garrison and try to hold the city. But for Newcastle, the war was over.


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[Assistant] Claiming he couldn't stand the idea of being a laughing stock back at court, he slipped away and sailed for the continent.


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[Assistant] Two weeks later, the remaining troops in York surrendered under generous terms offered by Lord Fairfax.


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[Assistant] Parliament now controlled the North, and they would never give it up.


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[Assistant] But down south, things were about to follow a different course.


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[Assistant] And next week, we will see the Earl of Essex completely screw things up in the West, and the Earl of Manchester refuse to vigorously prosecute a campaign against Charles in the middle.


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[Assistant] Leading the increasingly vocal war party in parliament to demand the wholesale reorganization of the parliamentary military structure.


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[Assistant] I'd rather be in my car than outside with the vultures.


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[Assistant] Okay, you know what? You're right. You're right. I think it was a reddit post. People were like-


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[Assistant] No, no, next. I'm kidding, we can do that. I was just kidding.


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[Assistant] Sorry. George Washington? First of all, in the historical context, you're wrong. And in the show, George Washington's a main character, so whatever.


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[Assistant] Alright, let's move on. Yeah, he dies of old age. Jesus, it's not like a big deal.


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[Assistant] Well you found, you were using a hair care or face care system and it really worked. Yeah, I saw that. The proof is in the pudding.


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[Assistant] There's kids in Africa that could have eaten that.


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[Assistant] What? You say, Trish, what's the secret? And then you show like a foul- It looks like a cock. Balls and cock.


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[Assistant] Oh dude, this is so, this is so inappropriate.


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[Assistant] No, no, no, no. I think it's just ironic that you said that while using the filter. That being said, I do vouch for the product because I've seen it look for you. So don't get it twisted, sister.


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[Assistant] What? Is there semen in your makeup? No. Because there's this really sub- non- there's like really overt tones of penises and jizz. I'm gonna get-


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[Assistant] What? Upstart and quip. We mentioned upstart and quip. Our two sponsors, upstart and quip. When did you say that?


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[Assistant] Alright, go ahead. So, should we talk about this or should we? Cause I've got a lot of other stuff I was gonna build up to this.


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[Assistant] Okay, so we're doing a scene from the Adams family.


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[Assistant] Adam's family values. Stop, it's awful. Oh, stop it.


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[Assistant] And I am playing Uncle Fester who's wedded to beautiful Debbie. Little does he know, Debbie is a serial killer known as the Black Widow that murders her husbands for their wealth.


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[Assistant] Really? You think I look narrow? Well anyway, let's go do the scene and we can come back. Alright.


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[Assistant] You were at, uh, you were at, uh, Theodore's birthday party.


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[Assistant] She got him, uh, Lightning McQueen from Cars, right? Yeah. Uh, rain boots. He has these yellow boots that he loves to stomp around in. So that was a great one.


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[Assistant] And then the other thing we're gonna be start doing a new segment on the show, Frenemy's Advice Corner. Or maybe it should be like Dr. Ethan and- Dr. Ethan and, uh, Psychic Trish? Psychic! Well I don't know, like who's these people that give-


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[Assistant] So you are, so Trisha the Psycho, and Ethan the...


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[Assistant] So it's like, don't listen to us. Which is good. Disclaimer.


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[Assistant] Okay, so the psycho and the psycho and the, uh,


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[Assistant] As little qualifications you could possibly have. So uhm, if you guys want advice for anything, you can email us at frenemiesadvice.gmail.com. We got some new- some- a couple in here that I thought maybe would be interesting to get your take on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, I won't, I won't fuck your, uh, your shit up. Yeah, today we've got a special treat because Trisha's come in. She usually doesn't want to talk about Gabbie Hanna, understandably. Cause she's upset. But today...


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[Assistant] My theory is that she, I think she's like a super fan of yours and she like,


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[Assistant] But I'm like a saint, when you meet me you realize that I'm actually like a saint.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, how long into going to her house for that podcast were you like, this was a huge mistake?


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[Assistant] I don't know, I feel like it's like, don't make us other. It's like, I don't know what to say.


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[Assistant] They say rattle your dags cause there's months of sheep in New Zealand. And they have, they call em, uh, they call em dags when they have little dried poop at their butthole.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They just call it Dags. And so when they say quickly, they say rattle your Dags. Cause the sheep's little boop nuggets rattle when they run fast.


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[Assistant] Sam, are you busy? She's- She's prepping for the set. Ian, what are you doing?


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[Assistant] I spoke like a fucking stroke victim. Hold on. Let me try that again.


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[Assistant] Black olives, pineapple, jalapenos. Thank you. This was your idea.


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[Assistant] I'm energetic, I'm just getting like crazy, I just get a little fucking like CRAZY!


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[Assistant] Oh, it's a break? Okay, back, we've been like clickbaiting this Gabby shit. No, we're here. Alright, we gotta do, we gotta do ads. We'll be right back and talk about Gabby.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey guys, it's just me doing the ad reads because we had a little bit of a blowout. I don't know how you say it. A little fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Blowout. Isn't a blowout when a baby has like a massive diarrhea and it goes out of their diaper? I think that's a blowout, which is not what we had. We had a little fight. And, uh, she left at the end of the episode, so I'm gonna be doing these ad reads by myself today. Thank you.


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[Assistant] When it comes to paying off debt, it can often feel like an uphill battle. High interest rates resulting in minimum monthly payments keep you in an endless cycle of debt, while Upstart can help you get ahead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Upstart is the fast and easy way to pay off your debt with a personal loan all online. Whether it's paying off credit cards, consolidating high interest debt, or funding personal expenses, over half a million people have used Upstart to get a simple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And with a 5 minute online rate check, you can see your rate upfront for loans between $1,000 to $50,000. You can receive funds as fast as one business day after accepting your loan. So,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find out how Upstart can lower your monthly payments today when you go to upstart.com slash frenemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's upstart.com slash frenemies. Don't forget to use our URL to let them know we sent you. Loan amounts will be determined based on your credit, income, and certain other information provided in your loan applications. Remember, go to upstart.com slash frenemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, so Quip, thank you for sponsoring us. There's a script here for Trisha and me, so I'm gonna be doing both parts today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trisha says, Hey guys, remember Ethan and I were competing for who could raise the most money with our favorite quip toothbrush?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gotta promote Trisha's pink toothbrush now, even though I want mine to win and she's not here and we just had a fight. The pink is cool, don't get me wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I'm not gonna sell it, cause I'm the black toothbrush guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pink electric toothbrushes to the charity of our choice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We have an update on who raised the most money. Trish, this is Trish's line now. Trisha, Quip, Quip has donated over. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ugh, jeez. Quip has donated over $25,000 combined to LGBTQ plus nonprofits. That is amazing. And I'm sure if Trisha was here, she'd be equally amazed by that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Trevor Project and National Center for Transgender Equity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow. And Ethan, now this is me just by myself, I say, and drumroll please, Trisha and her all pink electric toothbrush have raised the most money. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we want to tell you about the coolest new way to keep your breath fresh for Pride Month.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how you can get a free refillable gum dispenser. Yo, they got these gums that I've been munching on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, did you know that gum is great for your oral health? It cleans your mouth. It's gotta be sugar-free gum. Let's make that clear, which this is. But these dispensers are amazing. Watch this. Oh, can you get that? I want the dog to get it. Here, get ready for this. Watch this. Look at this! This is freakin' awesome, dude! Cheers. Look at this big-ass, nice-looking gum. Mmm. Clear your health. Love that gum.


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[Assistant] The Quip refillable gum dispenser and gum refills is a new way to chew gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is even more important now, when we're unmasked and starting to be social again. Let's get that breath fresh. You know what I mean?


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[Assistant] The me- the metalquip refillable gum dispenser comes in all different colors, including all black. You know, we love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here's how it works. You just easily add in the gum refill into the dispenser. It pulls out, I'm assuming, yea. Just like that. It's like a PEZ dispenser.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it takes one click on the dispenser to pop out each gum.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I personally love the way the gum tastes. It tastes really good. Minty, super good for your teeth. So if you're looking to freshen up your breath, I just got yourself like, clean your mouth, you know? Gum, all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't know this, but dentists actually recommend chewing sugar free gum, like quips gum after meals. Plus the gum has xylitol, which is a natural substance that can help prevent cavities and is accepted by the American Dentist Association.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best part, after you get the dispenser, it refills, the refills are automatically delivered with free shipping on your preferred schedule. And refills cost as low as $1.78 per 10 piece of gum. It costs less than normal gum in the store and you can be proud to put it out and put it in your bag or pocket.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got a crazy good hookup. Right now you can get a free all black metal gum dispenser when you sign up for refills. That's right, you get a free all black metal gum dispenser and all you have to do


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then you will have fresh breath all summer long. Let's get it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All you have to do is use the code FRESHBOY2000. Five. We're trying to figure out decode this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The code is freshboy2005 at getquip.com. Is this a reference to Teddy Fresh or Sad Boy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's an homage to Trisha, and it's just like, she's the sad boy, and you can be the fresh boy. There you go. With quips. Amazing, beautiful gum. At quip.com. Just go to uh, G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And use code FRESHBOY2005 to get a free all black metal gum dispenser. That's getquip.com with code FRESHBOY2005.


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[Assistant] I'm not an ex-ADSG expert, so I'm not gonna speak on it, but I have seen a lot of people saying that-


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[Assistant] My armchair diagnosis based on no qualifications at all. But knowing people who have bipolar is that like, it can make you go mani- have mania, moments of mania, which it seems like she's having.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, the reason we're actually talking about this is because BuzzFeed did an article


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But with interviewing Gabbie Hanna. And in the article, the article is called, Why is everyone so mad at Gabbie?


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[Assistant] And she's addressing some of her controversy and stuff, but here's where it gets really weird. She said this apparently about you, I guess it wasn't specific, but I think everyone concluded it was about you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you know if the interview they did with Gabby was before or after this? It was before. Oh, weird. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, she did it, and she didn't even reach out, which is ironic, I mean, it's not ironic, it's unprofessional, because she went to your house after that interview, and she didn't specifically say, Gaby said this, can you confirm or deny it?


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[Assistant] It's clear to me that you guys are not friends. And I have actually some proof here too.


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[Assistant] Well here, she says in the article that Buzzfeed didn't attempt to confirm with you or to validate this claim at all. They say, Gabby states, imagine you had a friend six years ago who to this day is contacting your employers, contacting everyone you know and trying to ruin your reputation.


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[Assistant] She told me referring in part to Paytas. Oh, so she does specifically.


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[Assistant] I lost sponsors, I lost a record deal, I lost my friends. How can you ruin friendships?


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[Assistant] Thirteen years I've been on YouTube. Five to ten million is like big creator money. And she's, I mean, with peace and love, not. No.


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[Assistant] That's a lot. But she says, she says ads sent. Well, okay, let me ask you this. Did you ever contact any of her employers?


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[Assistant] I don't have an employer. Who has an employer? That's a YouTuber.


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[Assistant] Contact, contacting everybody you know. Trying to ruin your reputation. Wow.


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[Assistant] Sponsors? I don't, you know, sponsors. Record deal and I lost friends. So she's blaming the collapse of her entire life on you.


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[Assistant] But they should verify this information. Yeaah. They shouldn't print that. And it should be easy to verify. Or they should at least ask you and be like, did this happen? And then because Trisha stated that this never happened.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I don't think it's really good for her that she keeps going on and on about it. She's not a troll. I think she should just, I think it'd be better for everyone just to mind their business, but I understand that I'm not blaming you. You've been steering clear of her for as much as humanly possible. Yeah. And I don't know why she just keeps going on and on. It's like, it's not helping anybody.


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[Assistant] Here's a tweet from her saying specifically, Trisha isn't my friend.


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[Assistant] It's like ish, it's like you are when you, when it's good for her and you aren't when she doesn't.


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[Assistant] She said, this isn't my friend, Trisha isn't my friend. I don't, I don't know what year this is from.


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[Assistant] So I said, ask her if you care, don't if you don't. Why does she type like a 10 year old?


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[Assistant] Anyway, she literally said Trisha isn't my friend, so I don't know what to tell you.


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[Assistant] She's kind of, she's like a, I feel like she has kind of like a weird paranoia, uh, issued too.


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[Assistant] Well, you can't help people that don't want it, you know what I mean? Unfortunately.


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[Assistant] Gabby said in the article she believes that the reason she's unable to make a comeback is because she's held to a higher standard of other creators. In the article she said she specifically called out controversial YouTubers such as PewDiePie, Logan Paul, and Jeffree Star and claimed that Gabby is held to a different standard


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[Assistant] Because, uh, she is a woman and views her treatment as sexist. I honestly believe that it's honestly just because you're not, you're making content people wanna watch.


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[Assistant] But it's like, really you're gonna blame it on the whole world being sexist that you can't bounce back? Like, PewDiePie, Logan Paul, Jeffree Star?


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[Assistant] You're not entitled to anything. You have to work for it, dude. Your content sucks. I mean, with peace and love, I mean, you know.


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[Assistant] Let's see, uhm, how I woke up, here's a tweet just to give all the context. I can keep it on my screen, right? This is how I woke up on my birthday morning.


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[Assistant] June 5th, in stress and desperation, I emailed BuzzFeed not to include me.


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[Assistant] So this is after you guys met. She said it was nice seeing you. I just wanted to email this morning. This is from you.


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[Assistant] You're saying please admit anything about Gabbie Hanna. You believe her to be a troll. She really affected my mental health back in January. And blah. You're saying please don't include her in my article.


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[Assistant] So here is the author, by the way, making a


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[Assistant] Well, she said, let me read the art. She said, so the author is now saying that commentary on Gabby's appearance is sexist, racist if it's about her nose. Why, is she Jewish? What's racist?


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[Assistant] Okay. So what's, why was it racist about it? I mean, okay.


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[Assistant] You can't demand maturity from someone and then descend into the child of spineless critique. Who are we demanding maturity from? From her. Why are you gonna say a whole, like, okay, whatever.


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[Assistant] So, so this video, the under it was amazing, and you're gonna love this, so I'm just gonna play it for you. This is a perfect example of how her perception, how she's so delusional, how like, in her narrative,


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[Assistant] She's the good guy, and living in this cruel, twisted world, but in reality you'll see, because this video is so well put together, that she's actually being quite mean and cruel, and then she's making this poor victim, who she's being unreasonably mean to, uh, out. You gotta watch this, this is amazing.


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[Assistant] Now by the way, I'll say that Smash or Pass is gross. It is kind of a gross game to play like that.


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[Assistant] So she thought she really did something. But now, again, this is so good because they have footage of exactly the interaction at the party.


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[Assistant] Exactly. And so like, this is exactly why, I could totally understand why he doesn't like her. I mean, this is just so inappropriate. And then you're sickening your fans out after him being like, oh this guy's a misogynist. He literally just said you're not his type.


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[Assistant] He's just being nice, he's like, maybe, maybe. So that, so like, that's...


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[Assistant] I can't wait, wait, I gotta watch this and then she says, hang on, she says something about like,


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[Assistant] Oh yea, she, and then she hits him with the nobody knows who you are, like she's some big time.


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[Assistant] I thought that was- I thought that clip was great, cause it really shows the distortion of reality.


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[Assistant] One thing a lot of women really need to watch out for is this technique of forced intimacy in women's spaces where essentially the goal is to have enough compromising information to hold others at emotional gunpoint. It's manipulative and you should stay distant from it.


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[Assistant] This is unpopular in the US, but accepted in Europe. You should share your most personal information with people you can trust. Take note, people dig for your vulnerabilities while ignoring your strengths. They're looking for emotional leverage. Raise the bar for your time.


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[Assistant] Oh, so then this is her threatening you with God knows what she's saying.


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[Assistant] I should wear a Gabbie Hanna mask on Halloween when we do a Halloween episode.


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[Assistant] Oh, that was the girl who was shot by a fan at like VidCon or something?


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[Assistant] That was so much stuff that author did. That was super dirty.


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[Assistant] I'm glad we're talking about it because I think it's good for you because I feel bad every time you're like you've got this person that you're trying so hard to avoid. I'm glad we're getting it out there and then I think we should just like really leave it. No, for sure.


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[Assistant] Well anyway, so she put up this video being like, yo, we're friends, uh, and...


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[Assistant] You think Shane actually did plant that in her head? I feel like that's a stretch even for Shane.


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[Assistant] Bro, I would never speak a bad word about you and like, especially in like private, you know, after now, after now. I'm sure I said plenty of mean things about you in private before we became friends. Have you? Before we became friends.


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[Assistant] Because if you're not friends with us, then her whole, her whole understanding of friendship has gone haywire.


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[Assistant] Yeah, if she's, if she's, yeah. Well either way, do you think it's dateline worthy, like 2020 worthy, or like, real true crime shit?


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[Assistant] It's like bro, have you seen the arm Amish and their wagons of fucking Amish pieces of shit?


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[Assistant] You said, oh my god, hahaha, they, they, they, lol, even, that's it.


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[Assistant] So this was one of my favorite moments of this recent Gabby saga.


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[Assistant] So there's, apparently she has a exclusive Discord for members, or some subscription model. And there was a group of people that joined, and they wrote a review of her Discord. They didn't like it, but it was basically just a review they wrote.


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[Assistant] And so she goes into their discord, not hers, and says you need to contact your parents because I'm suing you if you publish that review. For slander. So here we go.


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[Assistant] Okay, no, no, you're right. You're right. God bless him. You know, I'm just trying to figure it out.


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[Assistant] I'm just noticing something and trying to analyze it, but this isn't about him, it's about Gabby.


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[Assistant] Again, she's, you see how far she tastes shit. It's like, some kid didn't like your Discord, and you're trying to tell your parents I'm suing you. I know, it's so scary! Oh my gosh.


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[Assistant] And then we invite her up, and we give her a knife as a reward.


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[Assistant] I know, she's gonna come for me now. I'm already being sued once honey, get in line.


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[Assistant] You wake up out of a, out of a st- st- st- stupor. Your eyes come till you look up. This is what you see.


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[Assistant] This was another one, this is my final piece on her.


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[Assistant] You wanna talk? So anyway, that wraps up our whole thing on Gabby Anno.


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[Assistant] They like have, they've always had a really trash reputation and then they started writing like real articles. Ian's over there secretly eating pizza, what are you doing?


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[Assistant] I know that. I would have said no. But then they like, I don't know, they like keep flip-flopping, but yea, they have a really trashy reputation.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can bring, yeah, you can bring them here. Thank you. Is there phone numbers on it? You guys get slices?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, you guys know about my pizza thing? People judge me.


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[Assistant] Black olives, pineapple and jalapeno and it's insane. So good.


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[Assistant] That's why I need to start exercising more, cause I'm gonna get massive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, you know, these cops like to, um, make sure that their arrests and convictions hold, so they take the time to get all the evidence they need.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What a great show. What a great experience it was. So watch Showtime Sports.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, they're just not Triller. Triller's awful. Like compared to, cause Triller put on the Jake Paul fight, those are the guys that are suing me.


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[Assistant] Their event was just horrible, like, just such regret watching that. At least the Showtime one, they put on like a real event where the undercars were interesting fights, were good fights, experienced boxers, cause Triller was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trying so hard they got brought out, like all these popular performances and stuff.


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[Assistant] Spent like a fortune, which is why they're gonna be going out of business pretty soon. But uhm, it was just a horrible event. Just so not worth it.


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[Assistant] That's what I was saying, I don't know what's gonna come first, their defeat in court or their bankruptcy. It's a toss up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But anyway, it was just, the trailer boxing event was just so horrible. It's no, it's no surprise that Jake Paul left trailer and joined Showtime. And I think-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he realized they're just a hor- it's just a horrible train wreck, it's like Titanic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's sinking with him. And uhm, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's not, and I think he did the right thing because the show time really puts on a good experience, a good fight, and it's definitely worth the $50. It was a great experience, unlike Triller, a horrible experience, terrible fight, terrible company. But no, I watched the whole fight and I will say, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously the boxing match itself was such a ridiculous mismatch.


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[Assistant] Floyd is 44, he's like 5'8", okay. And then Logan is like, what, 25, he's 6'2". So when they were in the ring together, the actual


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way class is insane. Like these people should never in any reasonable world fight. So the fact that Floyd didn't knock out Logan or anything doesn't surprise me because he's just, he's not known for being a striker. But he, he fought well and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Logan was able to go the distance, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was one clip where people saying, uh, Floyd knocked him out momentarily and, and then he held Logan up. So he didn't fall to the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And so, Mayweather was getting annoyed though, he's like, get the F off me, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Obviously, Floyd kicked his ass in terms of like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The boxing experience, like the stats of amount of punches, head and accuracy was insane.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not just about knocking him out, it's about landing punches, about dodging punches, so it's a spark.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well what, you wanna talk more about the, what, Brokeback Mountain, a movie from fucking like ten years ago?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our lazy podcast, you don't do anything for it. You just show up, we do all the work.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it for the record. I hope you got really interesting questions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so, Hila's pregnant and I'm talking about it with Trisha. Would you prefer that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I got- I was like, guys, why don't you tell me when I'm talking about the same shit over and over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I tell to them, I go, yo, make sure to include this. And they go, oh, okay. But I go, oh shit, I talked about the same thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or production costs. I take 5%, I take 5% extra from the podcast revenue.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I take the highlights revenue and everything else we split.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I obliged you, I said okay fine. But you bought me on it. Because we bought a studio downtown, that was always the plan by the way, that we were gonna move downtown, and then all of a sudden I was like yo, and I was like yo, we're moving, I told you ahead of time, but it's fine because I-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're still at my house now, but I said, okay, so I was like, yo, by the way, we moved into our new office. We're going to be there next week. It's good. And then you're like, oh, I don't want to go down there. But we had made all these plans to move the set and everything and to do everything. So you're like, I don't want to go down there. And then we talked about it for a little bit and I said, okay, fine. And so we had to buy


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not about that, dude. It's literally about we are producing the show and I'm taking a cut. I feel like that's totally beyond reasonable.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like an itemized thing. We are doing the show. That's the call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's worth more than that to be honest with you. You're getting a very generous deal. And the sponsors that we do, that we work to get.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And now we have tons of sponsors every episode because it takes time, you know, obviously to get the show up and pitching and you get 50% of all of that. I feel like the deal you get is super fair. And I feel like you're gaslighting me to be honest saying that you're not like frustrated about that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because it really is a source of like, every time something comes up where it's like, I hired somebody, or this, that, and like, oh, you don't do that much on the show. I'm bringing attention to it, I'm not upset.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It literally always comes down to, oh, well you get this extra 5%, and so, it's not fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You listen, you can be upset and not happy, because there's a, you can be upset and then also not be like, I'm not showing up, fuck you, like there's levels.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this NBC News special report.


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[Assistant] It was only a matter of time before Spiro Agnew became President of the United States.


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[Assistant] Spiro Agnew became president of the United States. It was a period of months, maybe weeks.


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[Assistant] He was as disgusted as we were. Here's another crook.


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[Assistant] You know, what happens to be the vice president this time. He was disgusted by that. But he also knew


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[Assistant] More so because of his experience and his age than we did, I think, that resignation was more important in the context of the time than any of the other considerations.


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[Assistant] I think what we were concerned was he, you know, he gets into court and he says, wait a minute, I changed my mind. I'm immune from prosecution.


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[Assistant] Marshall, could you unlock that door, please? I gotta go.


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[Assistant] Agnew writes that the remarks had a chill through his body. He took it as an innuendo that anything could happen. He might have, in Agnew's words, a convenient accident, an interpretation that even today he refuses to disown.


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[Assistant] If I have a two o'clock court date, I'm there at a quarter of two. I mean, I've been doing this for a long time. I can understand him not wanting to come into that courtroom. And I do get it.


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[Assistant] I think, I think the best indication of surprise is when a lawyer has no words.


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[Assistant] It really was, we're all in this together.


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[Assistant] And we gotta figure out what to do for the country, cause this is, this is some heavy shit.


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[Assistant] Did you like consecutive hours? Yea, like non-stop. Like did you take breaks?


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[Assistant] I don't remember because I always just breeze past the story elements in Destiny because it is far too confusing and convoluted.


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[Assistant] Well, and it's funny when you think back to Destiny and the relic of Peter Dinklage. It's not Dinklage. Dinklage? It was Dinklage.


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[Assistant] Stealthy or not, I have been playing Animal Crossing for the duration of this podcast because I told Achievement Hunter I would do a gameplay with them and then I was like, oh no, I don't pick up this game for like months at a time.


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[Assistant] Uh, and they've, they're in a toy thing right now. Yeah, there's Christmas things.


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[Assistant] The curators at Bespoke Post have done it again this winter with an all new line up of box of awesome collections guaranteed to upgrade your life. James and I have got this great, I always talk about it, but this great Zwilling knife. It's awesome. I can't even touch it cause it's so sharp. But if you like cooking, which he does a lot, it was a boon.


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[Assistant] Whether it's showcase pieces to level up your indoor hosting skills or cozy threads for these blustery days, Bespoke Post sends guys the best stuff every month. No matter what you're into, Box of Awesome has you covered. Style and grooming goods, barware, cooking tools, outdoor gear, it's collections for every part of your life from Box of Awesome.


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[Assistant] Making kit with a frying pan. There's knives, more knives. There's personal grooming kits. It all looks great. To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers help them pick the right box for you. New boxes come every month.


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[Assistant] So right now, get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code DUDE at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code D-U-D-E, DUDE, for 20% off your first box. Thank you Box of Awesome!


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[Assistant] We might find it laughable to think that somebody would play a game that's a replica of a slot machine in which there's no money at stake, but Lindsay's right. The original slot machines are designed


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[Assistant] To instigate those kind of emotional responses as you're playing them and keep you invested.


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[Assistant] Then there's the opposite perspective which is, well we want you to feel comfortable and have the setup that you want the most, so we're giving you the player the power. I appreciate that. The power of the player. But then like you said, it also feels like...


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[Assistant] The wow streamers, as far as I know, are not really, like, is it, can you get successful streaming wow?


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[Assistant] Okay. You know. Cause maybe it was you, Lindsay, that was like.


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[Assistant] I still think that there's one, you know, Hungarian prince that if, if he saw you playing World of Warcraft, he would say yes.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but I do think if you can customize your UI and you're a streamer and, and you know, you're like, well, I want it to have my, some feeds or other graphics. That's kind of cool.


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[Assistant] In-game experience with a book is the Thievius Raccoonus. Can I make the transition to World of Warcraft? Yeah, absolutely. I think so. I can't.


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[Assistant] Oh, let's play it. Is Plants vs. Zombies? Yeah.


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[Assistant] There's a, there's a book that I'm, I'm reading right now where a character has to do a test and they get the test and all the questions are so difficult and then


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[Assistant] They read through the entire test and realized that the first half of the questions


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[Assistant] I did have a teacher once that gave the school a test on April 1st, April Fool's Day, or gave the class a test where one of the instructions was read through the entire test.


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[Assistant] This holiday season, more people will be mailing stuff than ever before. This means the post office is gonna be busy. You know what I'm saying? And we don't have time for that. Stamps.com brings the post office and now UPS shipping right to your computer. Mail and ship anything from the convenience of your home.


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[Assistant] Or office with Stamps.com. Anything you can do with the post office you can do now with just a few clicks. Plus Stamps.com saves you money with deep discounts that you can't even get at the post office. You know what I'm sayin'?


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[Assistant] It brings the services of the U.S. Postal Service and UPS right to your computer. As I said, simple, use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24-7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send. Timbuktu Bermuda Triangle. This is what I'm saying.


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[Assistant] I can't confirm though. Once your mail is ready, you just pick, schedule a pickup or drop it off. It's that simple. With stamps.com you get five cents off every first class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail and 62% off UPS shipping rates.


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[Assistant] Okay, it's a no-brainer, save you time and money. Over 900,000 small businesses already use Stamps.com. Don't spend a minute.


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[Assistant] Free postage in a digital scale! No long-term commitments or contracts. Go to stamps.com, click the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in dude stamps.com.


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[Assistant] Enter, dude. Never go to the post office again. Thank you, sams.com.


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[Assistant] While Lindsey's finding that chest, I just want to shout out if you are watching live on Rooster Teeth right now, today on the site, in the store, there's I believe 20% off Funhaus.


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[Assistant] Uhm, arcade hoodie, like it's really neat, but then everything else that's in the funhouse store.


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[Assistant] Project Winter! Uh, Human Fall Flat!


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[Assistant] Yeah, and Zach Anner and Josh Flanagan joined us for that. Project Winter was a b- did Jacob you- did you cut Project Winter?


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[Assistant] Coming up on Dude Soup, it's been a big week for games, sort of. We'll discuss what to expect from the new Switch coming in 2021, and most importantly, the most popular segment featured on Dude Soup ever, Exsqueeze Me, makes its triumphant return.


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[Assistant] I'm singing a spirit. We've got two of the most spirited individuals on the internet with us today. Who's that? I see.


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[Assistant] I know y'all have busy schedules and you tried to get out of this so many times and I finally forced you to be here. It's a pleasure, it's a pleasure.


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[Assistant] 100%. I will pull that thing to its limit. Uhm, anyway.


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[Assistant] Uhm, well, you know, maybe it's been a week full of nightmares and car troubles for y'all, but it's actually been a pretty crazy week for video games, sort of.


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[Assistant] Well yeah, I mean there was the halo rumor that it's going to be delayed for the next six years. But apart from that, uhm, we did have a lot of game reveals and GDQ just wrapped up. But I mean, if you're listening to this later, it wrapped up earlier than right now. Uh,


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[Assistant] That's what I was gonna ask. Did y'all watch any of GDQ or did you catch any of it here and there? Just say yes.


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[Assistant] I was, I, and I was trying to get into it very much so. I wasn't just like, oh, they're not an audience, get out of here. Like I really genuinely was like, okay, this is, these are the circumstances it has to be in. I'm okay with that. I want to support, uh, GDQ and.


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[Assistant] I just couldn't get into it. One of the things for me was I was wondering beforehand, like, are they going to send professional equipment out to all of these runners or how are they going to do it, you know, with individual setups? And it turned out that they didn't do that. And a lot of runners don't have very good microphones.


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[Assistant] Uhm, or if they are, you know, they're not like big time streamers, so they don't have like, you know, the neon lights and the Red Bull cabinet behind them.


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[Assistant] You know, but despite all of the issues, uh, you know, they did have some drops here and there and some...


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[Assistant] But one of the cool things, you know, despite all that stuff, there actually were some milestones and, you know, cool things that happened from it. One of them being because it was at home.


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[Assistant] Uhm, they actually did their first VR run ever, doing a Half-Life Alex speedrun. Uh, he beat it in, uh, 31 minutes. And, uhm, he was at one point crawling on the floor. Because that's what the speedrun demands.


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[Assistant] It's pretty cool, I mean, like, yeaah, that's one of the interesting things because...


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[Assistant] You know, speedruns, you know, if it's not glitchless, which is a terrible category, which shouldn't exist in speedrunning, uhm.


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[Assistant] I will die on that hill.


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[Assistant] You know, it's all about finding ways to break the game. And with VR, it's a very interesting, uh, you know, it's a, it's a different approach you have to take because- It's physical!


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[Assistant] Yeah, it's physical. Uhm, one of the things that I love, Jacob and I found the speedrun for Superhot. Uhm, and as you know, like, it's a game where when you don't move, time goes slower. So the speedrun for it is the person will aim, shoot, aim, shoot, and then they'll just pump their arms as fast as they can going,


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[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, they, uh, they did, uh,


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[Assistant] Like, Game Stone Quick did still have a very successful week, uhm.


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[Assistant] They ended up raising over 2 million dollars, uhm, which I think a lot like, I mean, I kind of speculated, you know, cause we're in the middle of, you know, arguably an economic crisis, you know, so many people are out of work and everything, it's like, you know, super serious, but,


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[Assistant] They still managed to raise very close to what they've raised.


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[Assistant] You know, cause every year they've broken the record. This year they didn't, but they still got very close to it. Over two million dollars. It's crazy. Like...


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[Assistant] You know racing every runner for the first twenty four hours and if you remember we did beat every single speed runner. We did not lose the challenge once and we individually.


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[Assistant] Uh, no viewers included. Uh, you know, we raised $70,000. What was it? $80,000?


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[Assistant] 80, yeaah. Uhm, so props to us.


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[Assistant] Uh, but I'm just joking. Props to everyone who participated. Doctors without borders.


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[Assistant] Uhm, and you know, it's like props to GDQ and everyone involved.


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[Assistant] You know, Doctors Without Borders does incredible work all over the world and it's awesome that they were able to raise that much money for them.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so there is a lot more news for this week. Uhm, but before we talk about that, let's hear a word from our sponsor. As we adjust to the new normal, we need to be smart about how we do business. Luckily, there's stamps.com to make things much, much easier.


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[Assistant] Thousands of small business owners have discovered the benefits of Stamps.com in the recent months. They've been able to keep their businesses running and avoid crowds at the post office all from their own computers. And, so can you.


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[Assistant] Hopefully you are staying home and staying safe. Stamps.com brings all the mailing and shipping services you need right to your computer. Whether you're a small business sending invoices,


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[Assistant] An online seller shipping out products, or just working from home and need to mail stuff.


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[Assistant] Stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Now not only is it convenient, but with Stamps.com you get great discounts as well. 5 cents off every stamp and up to 62% off of USPS and UPS shipping rates. At Funhaus, you know I'm always looking to shave off even seconds from my workflows.


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[Assistant] Because I know that time saved will eventually be tremendous.


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[Assistant] Just the same, 5 cents off every stamp will add up to a HUGE amount of savings over time.


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[Assistant] Okay, right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a four week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long term commitment.


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[Assistant] All you gotta do is go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in dude. That's Stamps.com.


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[Assistant] Microphone. D-U-D-E. Get it done and get those letters.


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[Assistant] And we're back. And guess what else is back? The Arkham universe. That's right. Uh, this weekend over the, the, there was the DC fandom event. Is it fandom or fan-dome? It has an E on the end of it.


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[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, so they revealed a lot of movie stuff, which I believe y'all will be discussing on Filmhouse later this week, but in terms of games, there were two big highlights. Uhm, they revealed Arkham Knights and Suicide Squad, which, confusingly,


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[Assistant] Suicide Squad takes place in the Arkham universe, which like, you know, Arkham Asylum, Arkham Knight, uh, but Arkham Knights does not. It is separate. Gotham. Gotham Knights, yeaah.


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[Assistant] There's a whole incestuous, uh, epic, um,


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[Assistant] But, uh, I was just curious, do y'all, are y'all excited for them? Cause like, I didn't play the first two Arkham games, but I played Arkham Knight and-


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[Assistant] It was so, like, I was never into Batman growing up, but like, it felt so awesome being Batman, like, I don't know, it was just such a satisfying game.


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[Assistant] We'll get a gameplay trailer in like seven months. Uhm.


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[Assistant] It'll be like Megamind, where he's just on vacation. Uhm, speaking of myths...


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[Assistant] Black Myth Wukong blows up the internet. That's right, last week a, uh, 13 minute gameplay trailer for a game that no one had ever heard of before, called Black Myth Wukong, uhm,


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[Assistant] Everyone was obsessing over it because, you know, there's been a lot of companies that try to do souls likes, you know, uh, you know, we got Hellblade and, um, other games.


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[Assistant] But anyways, like, a lot of those games, it's, you know, they get


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[Assistant] Uhm, whereas this game, this is the first one where you see it in like, it's so visually stunning, the combat looks awesome, and, uhm, specifically the, uh, enemy mechanics and the boss fights looked very original and very, like, like,


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[Assistant] On par, uhm, with Souls-born Echiro bosses. Like, really just, like, it looks truly impressive and truly awesome. Uhm, and yeaah, it also had some, oh, what, yes?


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[Assistant] Yes, uhm, for those not familiar with the, uh, fable of Sun Woo Kong, uhm, he is a monkey man and he can transform into beetle, uh,


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[Assistant] So, that's kind of, you see later in the trailer, it's kind of a stealth mechanic almost. You can be the, the beetle for like a certain amount of time and he sneaks by this giant, uh, beast, uh, it, it, it almost kind of reminded me of, you know, it's, it's,


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[Assistant] This example is Japan, not China, but if y'all have seen Gantz O, that film, that 3D film, a lot of the monsters were based off of these, uhm,


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[Assistant] You know, folklore characters, uhm, and that's what it seems like in this where, you know, there's this enemy that basically had a head that was like three times the size of its body, and I'm guessing that's from, you know, some sort of Chinese folklore inspired by, and it was just like, just aesthetically,


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[Assistant] They're pulling from a great, uh, like a lot of great source material.


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[Assistant] And even, uh, you know, general consistent-consensus is everyone is pumped.


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[Assistant] Even the game director of 2018's God of War, Cory Barlog, gave it his stamp of hype approval.


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[Assistant] That's how, actually how I found out about the game, is on Twitter. Uhm, he tweeted about it and I went,


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[Assistant] He has a long history of Sun Wukong, uh, content in Funhaus. He's now the number one Sun Wukong, uh, fan in the Funhaus Dome. Historian, yes.


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[Assistant] You know, video games have 3D models. And speaking of 3D models, we actually have a special segment we're gonna throw to where James and Elise tell us.


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[Assistant] Hey everyone, so if you're not aware, Elise and James have been challenged to go back to school at Full Sail University to compete in a digital sculpting competition against Rooster Teeth's Chris and Blaine.


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[Assistant] Throughout the series, uh, you can watch them hilariously attempt to learn new art skills while trying to model Ruby and Camp Camp characters in 3D. So we actually have Elise and, wait, where's James? You guys are gonna talk to us about it together.


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[Assistant] Is this better? Yeah, that's- no, yeah, that's good. That's good. Okay.


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[Assistant] Thanks. And we're back. We're gonna switch it up now. Switch? Did you say switch? That's right. New Switch coming in 2021. Uhm.


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[Assistant] This news is hot off the presses, uhm.


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[Assistant] Bloomberg reported, uh, that Nintendo plans an upgraded Switch console and major games for 2021. They had an inside source, uhm,


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[Assistant] Reach out to them or, you know, secretly anonymously, uhm, and they said that the specifications of the new machine have not yet been finalized, but, uh, the Kyoto


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[Assistant] Nintendo has a long history of upgrading their handheld consoles without, you know, having it be like a new system. We had the Game Boy, then the Game Boy Pocket, then the Game Boy Color.


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[Assistant] Uh, and then we had many iterations of the Game Boy Advance, many iterations of the DS and the 3DS. Uhm, but this is, I feel like the first, you know, the Switch, they kind of bridged the gap between


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[Assistant] You know, it's a mobile main console, you know, it can be handheld, but it's definitely more like an N64 or GameCube in terms of like,


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[Assistant] It's placing the company. So this is the first time I think.


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[Assistant] You know, they never released GameCube Super or anything like that. Uhm, wait. Hold on.


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[Assistant] Yeah, I guess, sorry, they released the, uh, I have the NES, uh, top loader right here, which has better hardware, and there's also...


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[Assistant] Video because uhm, they released like Mario Artist Studio for the N64 DD. But yeaah, he talks about how you had to find the ad in a magazine and then mail in money and they would send you the N64.


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[Assistant] DD, which is like a disc edition. Uhm, real weird. Uh, but anyways, uhm.


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[Assistant] What, the hardware? Yeah, well basically, you know, it'll be like the Xbox X, uhm, kind of, or the One X or whatever, where it's like beefier and capable of doing more things.


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[Assistant] And what I'm curious about, uh, they also said that there's going to be a s- well, it's been speculated that there's going to be a strong line-up of Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin-Nin


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[Assistant] Set to accompany this new hardware.


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[Assistant] What, uhm, what could it be? You know, we, these are some of the games that are coming out, that have been announced to come out. Breath of the Wild 2, Metroid Prime 4, a new Pokemon Snap,


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[Assistant] Uh, Hollow Knight Silksong maybe? Uhm, and Bayonetta 3, which is a Switch exclusive, so.


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[Assistant] What do y'all think? What do y'all think, uh, is in the pipeline? What do you think we're gonna see next year?


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[Assistant] Yeah, I'm guessing that's what it's going to be, is they're going to upgrade the handheld to 1080 and they're going to upgrade the docked to 4k.


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[Assistant] Oh, there you go. Interesting. It'll be a Switch Exclu-


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's, it's basically, there's no motion controls. Uhm, it's basically, yeaah, like a solely handheld version. It's almost like more of a, of a DS. Uh, like their, you know, their traditional handheld line than the Switch, which is like a hybrid.


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[Assistant] I had one, uh, I realized I couldn't capture on it after purchasing it, so I sold it and bought a normal Switch again, uhm, after selling my Switch to buy the Switch Lite.


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[Assistant] Cause I sold my Switch for 200.


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[Assistant] To buy the Switch Lite, and then I sold the Switch Lite for 200, and then, uhm, I bought the Nintendo for 300, so.


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[Assistant] But it's the new battery one. So, I got a bigger battery.


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[Assistant] Uhm, it's just overall sexier.


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[Assistant] Uh, so, can't put a price on that.


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[Assistant] A bigger screen, yea, or, I mean, maybe a higher res screen, cause I'm guessing the screen is only 720.


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[Assistant] Uhm, so maybe, yeaah, maybe a, a 1080 screen. And like, like you were saying, Adam, they're probably not going to have 4K, but if they did,


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[Assistant] There wouldn't be any benefit to it cause it's so small comparatively like.


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[Assistant] I, I haven't played it for a long time, but when I was little,


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[Assistant] I was close to a Blockbuster and I would go to Blockbuster with the rented copy of Pokemon Snap. I rented it like four times in a row and they had one of those docks where you plug in the cartridge and you could print out photos you took onto


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[Assistant] I had little sticker paper that was, it was already kiss cut into like 16 squares and I had Gyarados stickers, I had Charizard stickers and I put them everywhere. All over.


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[Assistant] Longings, all over my body, everywhere. Uhm, so personally, even though I haven't played it for like 22 years,


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[Assistant] I'd be excited, I'm most excited for the new Pokemon Snap. Elise, would you say that the new remake, remaster of Mario Sunshine is your most excited upcoming Switch game?


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[Assistant] What other games do you think they could release on from the GameCube era?


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[Assistant] I mean, Smash Bros Melee, if it had the physics from that...


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[Assistant] I know that everyone, there's that whole like, what is it called, Project M, where it's the Wii or Wii U version of Smash Brother, I think it's the Wii version, where they literally, you have a home-brewed Wii and you load in, it basically turns


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[Assistant] Uh, smash bros brawl into, it has all the physics of melee because all those intense gamer boys, uhm, want the physics of smash brothers melee.


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[Assistant] Uhm, cause everything's a lot floatier in the later, uh, later editions.


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[Assistant] Uhm, my favorite GameCube game is Zombie U. Now, uh, we have a new, uh, we have a new segment, well, a returning segment coming up right after, uh, we talk about this next sponsor. What up, y'all? I got two letters for you. E, D, erectile dysfunction.


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[Assistant] We men don't wanna talk about our ding-a-lings not working the way we want them to, but guess what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's something a lot of people struggle with. Almost 40% of people have struggled with it by the age of 40. You might be one of them. That's okay. Alright, so you don't want to shout it from the rooftops. I have ED! Well that's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because with hems, you don't have to deal with in-person conversations with a doctor. They'll connect you with medical professionals online for a confidential review. And if appropriate, send prescription treatment right to your door in a discreet little package. Speaking of packages, yours.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of these ED pills are super expensive, but with hems, you get the same active ingredient that will get your Peter pumping without the expensive price tag. Try hems today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to 4hems.com slash soup for your once again, free visit. That's 4hems.com slash soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See the website for full details and safety information. Now remember, that's 4himms.com slash su.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for hims for sponsoring this podcast. And for everyone out there, may your ding-a-lings rise to the skies. Welcome back everyone. It's the moment you've all been waiting for. That's right, Adam.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Everyone asked for it. That's right. It's back. What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's ex- the ex-squeeze me, where I read news, real news that's so wacky, it's gonna make you say,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, let's get started because we got a lot of articles to cover. Please close the Dude Soup document I sent you, uh, because I do not want you clicking on the links. Uhm, very important.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, here's the thing. Seagulls, we know this, often times they're pests. One time one flew in and grabbed my sandwich from the beach. I was very angry, I chased it for a long time. I did not catch it because, as you know, it could fly and I cannot. Uhm, but the thing-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not yet, because here's the crazy thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] These birds are stricken with E. coli and not only are they stealing people's foods, they're actually attacking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, I had it here. The pest control provider RetoKill has issued a warning for the public to beware of gulls this month. This announcement actually came after one of the RetoKill


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pest control operators, a group of gulls followed him home and actually broke into his house and attacked him in his home.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's really, they're really getting out of control in Ireland.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Russian army unveils camo robes for military priests. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Russian army has a, uh, division of military priests, uhm, and they now, they're an assortment of orthodox Christians, uhm, and they fight


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now, what I, what I found crazy, so they said the Univorm is designed for the priest's work during field exercises and drills, and also, uh, black ops operations.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sorry. Uhm, now what I found crazy was that not only have they equipped them with these military priest robes, uhm, they've also decked them out with a tool chest of priest themed, uhm, equipment. Including, uhm, holy water hand grenades, silver bullets, and my favorite, crucifix boomerang. Did you make this up?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is, I feel like I could not be more clear. It's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dare you! Sacrilege! Uhm, now the next, uh, article. Car accident leaves Jamaican woman left-handed with a British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, these are 100% real, I promise you, you can find them online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She had a horrible car accident, sending her, her world into a tailspin, claiming the life of a friend and leaving two others nursing serious injuries. Uh, she is a fun loving vlogger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and she awoke from a coma with a new life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she became left-handed. Uh, she was originally right-handed, if that was not clear. Uhm, and although she had a Jamaican accent, she now has a British accent. Uh, and if you're familiar,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, they do have certain similarities, like if you say bacon with a Jamaican accent, it sounds like beer can in a British accent. Uhm, try it now, if you don't believe me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Try what? I was confused. You say bacon with a Jamaican accent and then beer can with a British accent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, anyways, uh, you know, sadly, she is, uh, physically challenged and blinded in her right eye and with memory loss, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, she was granted a British, uhm, passport because as you know, anyone with a British accent


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is a legal, uh, citizen of the UK.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she also, uhm, it's theorized but it's not proven, she also gained telekinetic abilities.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So pretty cool. If you ask me, I feel like it's a net positive, um, situation for her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really what's happening is that in human urine and sweat, uh, there is salt and other minerals, uhm, which for some strange reason, mountain goats have become obsessed with. Maybe it's a blend of the flavors, uhm, no one knows why, but they have-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A very serious problem, I'm laughing, but it is actually serious that they're not just like, you know, breaking into bathrooms and stuff, they're actually attacking people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Give me your pee! Give me your pee! Give me your sweat!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, uh, at least 375 goats have been airlifted out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, half of the, uh, helicopter pilots were attacked upon landing. Uhm, so they haven't figured that out so far.