[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And tight, shoot the, shoot the bikini at the lady.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Love waits and that waiting should mean everything. So yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you're thinking about sex before marriage, which is impure? No, maybe I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, I'm just thinking about her. So theoretically you could also... So it's funny because these are the exact mind games I ran with myself. Trying to find an angle that would please God and also allow me to jack off guilt free. It's very hard.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To me, to me like, following thought lines like this are kind of interesting because it's going to be similar to what Steam has to do when they define porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Still bonnet, no Bible. Sitting, jacking off. Thumbs up. Okay. Is this game new all?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, maybe I should just skip right to the end. Yeah, go all the way. Mutual masturbation?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think that that's alright. Hmm. I'm gonna say yes. So God looks down and smiles when two people love each other. They love each other! In close proximity.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What about, uh, like, comb masturbation? So she jacks you off, you rub her on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's a dumb argument and everyone makes it, but... No, that's fine. I think it's valid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If only it had saved everyone a little money that they could have chipped into the Kickstarter. Yes, I'm talking about honey- God, my hair's all messed up. Yes, I'm talking about honey!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and it saved me, you know, three, four bucks on an order, which is great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, goodness, it's distracting. Uh, but, uh, it'll also make sure that for products that are sold through multiple retailers, it'll check all of the prices, uh, and tell you if they're, if you can get it cheaper from someone else. Now it's up to you if you want, like, somebody that has Prime shipping or whatever, but it's still a way to make sure that you're getting the cheapest price on what you buy. Uh, you can get it at, uh, Get Honey.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or sorry, you can get honey for free at joinhoney.com slash dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once more, that's joinhoney.com slash dude to save money on everything you buy already. And yes, works on Amazon, works on pizza sites, and those are the only two things I care about in this world, so I'm basically set. Uh, once more, that's joinhoney.com slash dude to save money with honey today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is a bummer, because I kinda wanted James to be here, but he's out of the office today. There's some hot new research. Oh, look at this!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's how to get swole according to science. So, I mean, there's one of these every month. Uh, this is from Outside, which is honestly not a publication that I'm familiar with, but they published basically a write-up of a research that was done recently. Uh, quote, the study involved a total of 34 young men, hell yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They all had considerable experience with strength training divided into three groups.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They did 8 weeks of supervised workouts, 3 times a week, consisting of a circuit of 7 different exercises, bench press, military press, lat pulldown, seated cable row, back squat, leg press, and unilateral leg extension.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Each set was done to momentary failure, but the weight adjusted to ensure failure was reached in 8 to 12 reps. The only difference between the groups was that they did this in either 1, 3, or 5 sets of each workout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It actually doesn't need to work out. So, uh, the idea was like what, how does the amount of reps you do influence the building of muscle? Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they found that in these three groups, they had similar gains in their max lift. So the people who did all their reps in one set had almost 10% gain in max bench. Three sets had six. Five sets had about eight. Not a really strong correlation there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, which is just to say, hey, if you work out, your lifts will get bigger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's a just weight. So this says 8 to 12 reps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And you either do it in one set, super heavy weight. So you start light, go heavy. I think it's the same amount of weight. Oh, the same amount for 8-12 reps. It's just weight adjusted, so whatever your failure point is, uhm, you do it in one set, 8-12 reps.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So that's more weight. And then if you're in the three set group, you do three sets of eight to twelve reps until you get to failure, which would be less weight. And then five sets of eight to twelve reps each should be way less weight. But the idea is that you fail out on the eight to twelve rep of your last set, whether that's one, three, or five.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is what's really interesting, uh, the percentage in bicep thickness goes up the more reps you do.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the new results confirm that if you want bigger muscles, the one set shortcut will only take you so far. So you'll get the same amount of strength


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love anytime Bones incidentally mentions anything from his past.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, King Danny in chat. Uh, yeaah, it will be linked. Uh, everything I talk about in Every Dude Soup is always in the description. Yes. So, if you're interested in that, yeaah. Especially the porn. So, click away kids. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's true. It's gonna change the world. Uhm, and the way that it's changing the world this week,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just, uh, six little words. We are planning to have it. We were planning to have it. That's right. Six little magical words in response to a tweet where someone says


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I will be very sad if this game doesn't have photo mode. WE'RE PLANNING TO HAVE IT! Who cares? BOOM! So what? Let me zoom on that. Doesn't every game have photo mode? Yeah, but this one does now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wow! Are you talking about reps again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll just inject you with nanomachines and they'll like, work all your muscles out for you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We don't get into that, uh, rumors. No. We wait for confirmed news. Yeah, right. That. Boom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I-I just turned the difficulty down. I'm like, man, all these thug crimes, I don't feel like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well no, I mean I, I can do it, it's just they have so much health, especially the, the silver guys, what are they called? Seiferts? Siemens.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's like, the, the magic of Spider-Man is that the real life drama can be very real, which is also very, like, banal and boring. But then it's paired with some dude in, like, a sock with a fishbowl helmet, like, throwing fucking mystery cubes everywhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Every, every about year and a half, they're like, we got a new goblin!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, Homecoming, like, they did Vulture so right in that movie. By making him like an old conservative, don't tax me like Trump dude. That was awesome. That was cool. What a good way. What a good way to recontextualize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When he hits her? Pretty successful tonal shift I'll say. That's when it gets real. That's when he knows there's a problem.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That is a Spider-Man origin for every villain. He wandered into a science experiment guy, hit with a ray, while there was, I don't know, a dog in the room. Yeah, comics are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hey, if you have a weird disfiguration on your face, maybe you gotta get some good clothes to draw attention away from that. Stitch Fix can help you do that. Uh, Stitch Fix has reinvented how we find and buy clothes because they will assign you a personal stylist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's a pretty cool service. I've described it before, but I'll do it again. So when you sign up, essentially you take this cool little quiz where you just like click on little shirt designs you like and colors and fabrics. It kind of creates a profile of what you want. And then a stylist will essentially keep a running log of all the things they send you and what you keep and what you don't keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] After a while they start to develop a profile of what you enjoy and then it basically gets more accurate from there. The way the service works is


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pre-pay. But then if you keep anything, that credit is applied towards the item you keep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So essentially the styling is free, but if you don't like anything you just send it back, it's 20 bucks. Uhm, which in a matter of 20 bucks for somebody to handpick out stuff to make you look good is not so bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No questions asked, shipping's free both ways. So it's pretty cool, pretty cool service.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the cool thing about it is, you can set it up to either be scheduled, like once a month, or just do it whenever you feel like you need to refresh your wardrobe. Or maybe once a season, if summer's coming around, you need some fashionable new shorts, some short sleeve button-ups, coming into fall, maybe it's time for some heavier clothes, some heavier button-ups, you can just, uh, replenish your, your stock that way.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And we got a special offer for you guys. If you go to StitchFix.com slash Dude Soup, you can get twenty-five percent off your box if you keep all five items in it. Uh, what's more, that's StitchFix.com slash Dude Soup. For twenty-five percent off when you keep


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, the next line of merch for us is gonna drop real soon. Soon, yeaah. It's Friday actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, there's a tweet out about it if you want to see some of the photos. We actually showed it off on the podcast a while ago.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I'm flush with great shirts for now, but when it gets a little colder, I might need something a little thicker, so. Speaking of other announcements.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, connected in the end. We gotta give up our dreams sometimes to do what's right. Good for you, Spider-Man 2.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, just in case, uh, you guys, maybe out there in Dude Soup Land, or in Enthralled, he has added a 22 minute and 30 second compilation. Holy shit. That has all Wednesday Frogs in one roll.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] As it goes on, they start to add and reference more characters. There's like a hacking frog and a Russian frog. A tactical frog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeaah, he basically makes after effects animations to remixes of Spider-Man Wednesday Man from Soundcloud.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ah, so, uh, WednesdayFrog meme now condensed into a 22 and a half minute internet megaplex is going up against ToiletFlush2011.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's find out. Oh, it's got a, it's got a little, uh. Oh, it's a screen. That's a urinal. So this is a collection of various models of urinals and toilets. That flush! So, uh, if you ever want to know how something flushes, do, now you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the Brandless Urinal, but Elger Flush. Taking it to local Racino. There's no brand or logo on this one. Based on the design, I'm pretty positive it's an Elger.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the bathroom in my hotel room at the Earth Tower, the Mohegan Sun Casino Resort. I've been there. And, really? In Uncasville, Connecticut? Yea. So you're familiar with these bathrooms?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Looks like a water saver. Kind of a waste of water though. Just doing an empty flush. I hate that. What is that all about?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it. Hold on a minute. I appreciate this. People in Chattered. Spamming that froggy mug.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're not so different, you and I, PETA. Unlike the fifth time of watching that scene, I finally understood what they were trying to do with that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was more like, we're superhuman now, we don't have to live like normal people. So just abandon your normal life. That's like the oldest trope in the fight.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fun House Week. That's right, Fun House Week next week. So we've got Fun House Week coming up. Next week, uh, a slam, whiz, bash of all sorts of awesome things coming up. Speaking of, so here's the run down. We've got Linkin Park's story, Jerryman is going free to watch on rewstreet.com. Why does it say Jerryman?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it makes more sense when you watch a new show.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then Wednesday we got the Arizona Circle pre-stream party, and then the Arizona Circle world premiere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's kind of the, that's the crown jewel of the week really. So you can watch it with us and ask us questions about it afterwards.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Thursday we've got the Arizona Circle Reddit AMA, so if you have additional questions and you couldn't make a livestream or something like that, you can ask there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, on Friday, uh, Theater Month Season 2 premieres. And that's for first members. And then also, we've got our news program, NewsHouse, on the know, uh, launching for free on roostreetheath.com. So you don't have to be a first member. Everyone will be able to watch it, but it will be on Roost Heath, not on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and yeaah, we're basically taking our stab at news again. But it's going to be a different format. So before, if anyone remembers this, millions of years ago, we did a daily news show. It's not going to be like that this time. Uh, it's more of a weekly format. Longer, in depth. Sturgeder. Uh, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Basically, it'll give us time to develop stories, reach out for interviews, get more analysis in there. We're not really aiming for the first take, because there's a lot of YouTubers clamoring over that. We're instead going for the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of cool stuff. It's a pretty cool wrist cheat to kind of ring our bell a little bit. Ain't it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since, if you guys are watching live, you're Rooster Teeth First, so you're already set. But, if you're not Rooster Teeth First, uh, you can check that out at fhfirst.roosterteeth.com. There's going to be a link in the description.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also they have a 70 free trial, which just so happens to cover all of this. So if you've never signed up for a trial before,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Should we be explicit? No, no, that's fine. Yeah, sign up on Wednesday. So yeah, uh, just to put all the cards out there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Rooster Teeth will judge the success of this show by how many people sign up for first to watch it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were going to step back a little bit from game plays and things like that to focus on other projects. Arizona Circle is the biggest


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But thank you for watching this week's podcast. I hope you check out some of the stuff in Funhaus Week and we'll see you next week. Bye everybody. Bye guys.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Digital Foundry, everyone's favorite pixel counting brits did a breakdown of the exact sequence from E3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm also, I'm immediately biased because I have played most Spider-Man games and one of my favorite ones is Web of Shadows, which I looked at on Medicare because it's 68.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like, I remember being really good and I watched the history of all Spider-Man games, which was most of them, they left out Friend or Foe, which is that shitty game for the Wii, but I think it was for the Wii, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I remember, as I watched the whole thing, there have been a lot of shitty Spider-Man games that I didn't even know about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Atari one? All the crappy Genesis ones? Was it Web of Fire on the 32X? I knew of like Maximum Carnage in those games. Those were like skin games and then having Spider-Man in like Marvel vs Capcom doesn't really count.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but like the PS1 game, I remember playing, and yeah, there were clouds, uhm, but it was, it was the first step. It was, okay, we can make a 3D Spider-Man game. And you went, awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You go up into vents, just the camera work required for that game to work. Spider-Man himself was kind of weak. He wasn't overpowered. It was like, but there was like city parts and then he would crawl walls and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was, but this is, this is also, I mean, you know, Neversoft made it. They were between Tony Hawks. Yea, it was a Tony Hawk engine. And then it went to Treyarch, eventually. It bounced around through a few different developers, but like most Activision things, they just ran it into the ground.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At the time, what, 2000 when it came out? Yea. There had been nothing this good. Carnage got on Dr. Ocupus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in the world of superhero video games, I would say the Batman Arkham series, that includes Origins, is still the best superhero game franchise.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever I was vibing with in the other games. Same with the Arkham games. I'm like an apologist where I'm like, I'm just happy that I have a game that I feel like Batman or I feel like Spider-Man. Uh, even X-Men Origins Wolverine. Probably one of the only superhero games where you feel like you're Wolverine ripping people apart. There's not a lot of games that do that well.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, and this one I feel like captures the essence of Spider-Man, which is a very downtrodden character of like, his life kind of sucks. Uhm, there's some really interesting moments in the game that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's not that the world is constantly ending. It's, he has to deal with stuff in his life. Or it's like, like Peter, you're late for work. Where are you? He's like, oh dang it, I'll just stop in the, I mean, I'll be right there. And you're like, oh that's cute. Like, this feels like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Spider-Man. That's always been the Spider-Man thing. Yea, the balance of life and he's, that whole struggle of he's constantly fucking up his life because... He's Spider-Man. He's Spider-Man. And he has to be Spider-Man. He can't stop it. Because it's his responsibility. Right. It's cool, they hit those notes pretty well in the game, I felt like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It moves, it moves so fast, moves so fluid and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, they do the thing where, they do the Assassin's Creed thing where you unlock towers, and then the towers open up parts of the map, or at least will give you, uh, signals of like, oh, there's an enemy activity over here, or there's, it basically shows you the stuff on the map. You'll be on your way to a mission and be like, you get a radio call, and there's a car, like, speeding off, you jump on it, throw the dudes out of the car,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You fucking feel like Spider-Man. And like, Batman had that too, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was always slower, but Batman's a slower character, which makes sense. Spider-Man actually has superpowers, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you, when you can do like, the perfect swing as Spider-Man, you're like, holy shit, I got on top of that building, I dove, and you're just like, ugh, and like, it's a hit of ecstasy. I'm not saying you're wrong.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess, uh, I'm not rushing my way through the game, because I'm kind of, I'm just doing all the side mission stuff, I actually want to, I want to take my time with the story, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm going a little slow right now, but uh, so yeaah, I don't know if there's other enemy types. I, I know the Sinister Six shows up in some way, shape or form, because they already showed that at E3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, boss fights have been fairly good. Uhm, nothing too crazy. It's like, it's the, you know, pattern recognition. It's very Batman-like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait for Shocker to, uh, do his three attacks, and then he powers up, and then you throw something at him, and you're like, okay, it's fine. Everything feels very cinematic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you do these wave-based fights, uh, like, very much like Batman, you'll have, uhm,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Or, it's another game. I think maybe like Assassin's Creed where it's like, you gotta take out a certain amount of enemy units, like a base, and you can like, stealthily take them out, but then they all just start coming at you, and like, a rocket will fly at you, someone will throw a grenade, someone's shooting, uh, shooting a gun at you, and you're dodging all this while whipping a rocket, throwing it around, throwing it back at somebody, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels good. And then, uh, you get the focus meter built up so then you can take down enemies in one hit, like Batman does. Uhm, but then you also get suit powers when you unlock new suits, so...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Spider-Man Homecoming suit has a thing called, uh, Spider-Bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's a little, it's a little robot that comes out of your chest, and he'll just start shocking everybody. I'm like, that's pretty fucking cool. You know what? I like that. Good job, developers. The suits are more than just cosmetic. A couple of them are just cosmetic, but each one unlocks a new power, and then each of those, then you have three other slots to, like, adjust your suit how you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Backpacks and stuff they have in the city. So I unlocked all the backpacks and the towers within an hour.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, well they kind of did the Spider-Man homecoming or Civil War thing where they're like, we've seen the origin story. Everyone knows the origin story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People know the crucifixion of Jesus Christ and they know the origin story of Batman and Spider-Man. We get it. We know it. We don't need to see it. So, I do like that the game just starts off and they go, you know everything about Spider-Man. And they actually flip a couple things around in the story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, uh, Mary Jane is a writer for the Daily Bugle. You're not. You're not a reporter anymore. Jonah Jameson is a, like, podcaster. He's like Alex Jones. Infowars type. And he references, he's like the radio.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, he's sort of like, he'll make references to things that you do in the world. I'm like, these are different enough. Uhm, yeaah, Octavius is your boss, he's not Doc Ock.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yet. I don't know, maybe he will be. Uhm, I haven't got that far, but, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's his face? Uhm, not Harry Osborn, his dad. Norman Osborn is the mayor of the city. There's enough different things that I'm like, ooh, what are they going to do with this? I don't know. It's enough to keep me interested.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The way, yeaah, the way everything, the way the game has been presented. I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, it feels like a video game. I guess that means anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't have those problems with it. It just, everything to me looks and feels good. Once again, I, I'm sort of a Spider-Man apologist. I'm just happy that this thing exists, because otherwise it would have just kept going down the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did it twice because I replayed the game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Originally played on a different account, now I'm playing on my account. I play again. Uh, it's a breeze. The second time, like once I knew what to do, I was like, oh, she has the easiest stealth missions in the world. Like, you just sprinted the whole thing. Maybe longer. I was also playing as a dumbass, and I'm just like spinning around people, and then she has her camera out the whole time. So I was just taking pictures of people's asses, and I'm like, ooh, yeah, uh, uh. Uh, which is super silly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's just there to remind you that, because they also have those sequences where you're Peter Parker and you're just walking around or running around and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're like going to work and talking to Mary Jane or whatever and it's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just breaks the game up a little bit, I think, and it, I think it's just, it's just pacing. I think if you sit there and enjoy it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, instead of like being in a rush that, you know, just being at an adrenaline level of like 10,000, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It gives you a little bit of pacing throughout the game, which I think is, it's fairly well done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's up? The pro. Like the fans? Yeaah. I have to turn my speakers way high because it goes ooooooooh Jesus Christ. That's like loading the Mary Jane level. I'm like, really? That's the hard part? Alright.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then there's like, camera will slow down and it's all happening. You're like, I have no idea how this console is not melting right now. It is a very optimized game. Uh, I've only experienced like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, it's Hollow Knight on the Switch on, you know, on a battery screen or whatever, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's one of those games, too, where I said this about Arkham Knight, I remember people being upset about it, and they were like, oh, you can't run in 60 on PC, I'm like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the kind of game I'm okay being at 30 because I can't really tell. It just looks good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That, and I'm like, I'm one of those snobs where like I'll play Destiny at 144 frames or Overwatch at 144 frames. Like this is one of those games where


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the bullshit marketing speak of like, oh it's cinematic, but it's like, it's a very cinematic game, but it also controls really well, it moves fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh no, I was going to say it reminds me of like playing Breath of the Wild on the Switch, where you're like, I can't tell what your framerate is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to get off the spiderman train too much, but there is a really good Batman episode that was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I could see it working in a way where they do a Avengers slash Defenders type game where you play as multiple characters in this city they've already built.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And that could be interesting. We're like, okay, for this segment, you play as Iron Fist. And the combat is like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Really intense and really cool. This part, you're Iron Man. You gotta fly through the city really fast. Like, I could see that happening, but... Or, uh...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think more than anything though, it proves that the more human your character is, or like the more uhm,


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[Assistant] The game was pretty rad. The second one was fun. Age of Destruction or something? I forget what it's called. Age of Ultron Destruction. What is it? Destruction Unleashed. Ultimate Smash, something like that. It's awesome.


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[Assistant] But I never played it. Infamous, I was thinking this because Infamous Second Son is like one of the best looking games on PS4. Spider-Man is like Infamous if you didn't move like a slow train. Yeaah. Cause I know there are cool parts where you can run up buildings and stuff, but


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[Assistant] Spider-Man does the thing where he looks at the Freedom Tower and goes, I can get up there in 10 seconds. It's insane how quick he can move through the city.


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[Assistant] He doesn't want people knowing, but he can dodge shit all the time. I was thinking about this when I was playing the game, because I was always like, why does he get hit? Because Spiderman gets hit a lot. He's not supposed to.


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[Assistant] Right, but I'm saying- It's supposed to be pretty brittle. But I'm saying, well, in movies and stuff- I think it's hit all the time, yeah. Yeah, you're like, how did Star-Lord get the- how did he get a web around him when they fight briefly in Infinity War?


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[Assistant] Uh, and I'm like, well, in the game, your spider sense is going off constantly. Cause, but there's a lot of stuff happening.


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[Assistant] Off screen you can't see, there's a guy with a rocket launcher, there's a guy with a gun, and you'll get hit because you're just overwhelmed.


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[Assistant] I'm like, I guess that kind of makes sense that there's just so much going on you can't. It's hard enough for us as people just to focus on one thing at a time. I can see that being sort of a realistic reason.


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[Assistant] According to the, uh, lore inducing Sam Raimi films, uh, everything slows down and then


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[Assistant] Yeaah, movie detail would be... Fuck, I don't know.


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[Assistant] I feel like the movie detail thing has become basically like pornography for this. They're like, when this character says this, they do it again later. Like yes, that is called a callback. We do that in film all the time.


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[Assistant] It's the guy when there's three lanes of traffic, we're all trying to go straight to two left lanes, but the one guy in the middle lane is merging right, slowing everyone down and he goes, but me. It's my turn. I know I'm fucking you up, but it's me.


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[Assistant] Here's basically an expansion. It's 20 bucks and you're gonna get an extra like 10 hours of gameplay. I'd be like, yeah, go for it. It's like GTA.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Twitter is slowly revealing why no one should be using Twitter.


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[Assistant] We have so much access to everyone now, maybe we all just stop.


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[Assistant] And 13 people freaked the fuck out and like had their copies of Sandman on and went, please sign this. And I was like, I don't know who you are. You're very, I have a picture with him somewhere where I'm like, this is a very nice guy. It's cool. And then years later, I read Good Omens like,


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[Assistant] Because there is a uh, attack move that you can do.


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[Assistant] Uh, it's very like Devil May Cry, Gotta War, knock someone up in the air, you combo them, but then you could do a web swing, you could do it on top of a building, you're like, what are you doing? There's nothing about that. What are you tapping?


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[Assistant] There's a part, there's a part where you have to, well there's a side mission thing where


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[Assistant] It's funny too, the side missions are always like really weird cause the- They're goofier. Yeaah, the base game is, it's very, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's somewhat grounded and very like, it's this edgy


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[Assistant] There was a mission fail I did.


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[Assistant] Like the Mary Jane scenes and stuff like that. There's something pretty funny.


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[Assistant] Most of the Sam Raimi Spider-Man movies are not, whatever, good. What? No, I disagree.


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[Assistant] Like I just, there was parts of two, I'll give you that. Two was.


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[Assistant] One and two are, like, moments that are good, especially for nostalgia reasons, and I am a big Spider-Man fan. Even parts of the cartoon I'll rewatch and they're still total garbage, but watching, you know, uh, Eddie Brock lift is pretty cool.


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[Assistant] I, I still stand by this and people can, whatever, be very angry with me and...


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[Assistant] But I was going to say, this game is a, it feels like a nice balance of all of it. It is, and like I said, I am an apologist and I love Spider-Man almost regardless. I would love him, uh, prove it. Suck his dick right now.


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[Assistant] It's sort of like how Bruce is watching America's Next Top Model right now. You know there's parts of it that are bad, but you know there's something really good that keeps it going. Uhm, maybe that's a bad comparison.


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[Assistant] I don't know in our lifetime we will see a, I don't know if I even want it, a Dark Knight level of Spider-Man. Like Dark Knight to me is the quintessential like superhero movie for mass media that is


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[Assistant] An academy award winning film. It hit all the right notes where I'm like, this is perfection. You did it. That is, what a, what a perfectly paced movie. What a great film. What's something that's so realistically grounded?


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[Assistant] Uh, likable, realistic, and fun for everybody. This game actually, to me, feels like a really nice marriage of all the best things from the Samurami stuff. From...


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[Assistant] The new Marvel Cinematic Universe, even the old cartoon, it is, it is like this big love letter to Spider-Man. It feels like it was made by people who legitimately


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[Assistant] There, there is also this weird, uh, fascination in the Spider-Man community. I've been guilty of it, uh, myself, where everyone's obsessed with, uh, Venom symbiotes and symbiotes. Can I say it now?


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[Assistant] So far there have been no real mention, he does say lethal protector once in the game.


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[Assistant] There was a part where there was like a Spider-Man imposter and he's like, he goes, doesn't feel like it's a lethal protector. And I was like, hey, good reference. That's it though. And I don't think you...


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[Assistant] He's like, I'm in a wheelchair, I get superpowers, now I just have things on my shoulders.


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[Assistant] That was a weird kind of trope in the 90s of the cartoon. Did you ever watch it, Bruce? I'm sure that I did. Okay. I don't remember a thing about it. Every woman, and I think including Aunt May, were just sex slaves for Peter, who is the most Brady Bunch looking fucker in the world.


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[Assistant] Mary Jane at least doesn't feel like she's just a vehicle, uh, she's not just a hole for Peter to get into.


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[Assistant] Great question. Uh, just the sex tape of him fucking that porn star. Oh man, well that's great. When he saw his shaved head.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it Blades of Glory is one of those Will Ferrell movies where he tries to pick up people at sex addiction blind meetings. You know they fuck.


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[Assistant] He goes to some, he goes to some dark places where he's just like, I need to just get off in any way, shape or form, and then he lets a dude suck him off, and then the proof that Michael Fassbender's not gay, he immediately has a three-way, cause that's how math works. It is how math works. I think in his brain he was like, I don't want people to think I'm gay.


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[Assistant] But then they're like, hey, Insomnia, we got you for an exclusive. Like, what do you, what do you got? Sunset or Drive? Awesome. That's gonna be great. Didn't sell out. Oh well. Well, we're gonna work on the Spider-Man game. Seven billion dollars.


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[Assistant] That's pretty fucking cool. I'm gonna be like a Mr. Robot promo or something.


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[Assistant] Well, we may not be able to pay you in three months, you know. I feel like...


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[Assistant] Again, it's all part of the deception though too, because if they're going to Netflix, and they're trying to pick up big Netflix properties and go to these big


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Christmas sucks dick, so I'm leaning into the curve. I got all my friends the worst gifts I could find, and over the next hour they have to pretend to like them while I judge. Uh, welcome to a you didn't ask for this but I got it for you anyway so I don't feel guilty bowl of dude soup.


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[Assistant] What's your favorite Love Actually song? Is that the extended version? It is? Well, maybe not.


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[Assistant] I'm your host, Laurence, and joined by, uh, I gotta hear, Brett, not the Hitman, Hundley.


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[Assistant] Uh, Adam's still waiting on that Ferrari Kovac and James got everything he ever wanted, Willem.


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[Assistant] This week's podcast is brought to you by Bespoke, Blue Apron, and Squarespace. You can receive 20% off your first subscription box by going to boxofawesome.com and entering code DUDE at checkout.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free at blueapron.com slash soup and you can go to squarespace.com slash dude soup and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


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[Assistant] Alright guys, so welcome to the post-Christmas fallout. I'm a little late, this episode's going up like a few days after Christmas, but.


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[Assistant] I love giving gifts, but I don't like understanding people or trying to like empathize with them at all. So I just, I went around to a bunch of pawn shops and bought some shit. Let me fish out a- Omar, can you hit me with that Christmas spirit real quick? Who's that? Up on the rooftop.


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[Assistant] Have you guys ever gotten a used gi- I remember, uh, my mom for three years in a row gave me the same copy of Tron on DVD.


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[Assistant] Because I already owned it. So the first time that she gave it to me, she said, Mom, I already have this. She was like, Oh, but I know you like that movie. So I left it there.


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[Assistant] Is that Santa up on the rooftop? Let me reach around in the old Santa sack here. He's reaching around. What is this?


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[Assistant] Ah! It's Controlled Chaos South Bay Stunt Writing. Here you go, James. Woah! Enjoy that DVD. Look at this!


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[Assistant] Look at that outer glow man, that's sick. That looks cool. That's really cool.


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[Assistant] I hope so. Oh boy. Yea, bring that tree crow. This is real Christmas right here. Alright. Gosh, this is...


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[Assistant] I had to bust out the fat DVD or fat laptop because it's the only one that had a drive in it. Hey, this, this DVD is packed. Wow.


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[Assistant] Well Santa has a gift for you, Brett. For me? Wow. It's the sweet angel, uh, diary.


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[Assistant] Excellent. Controlled chaos. Oh, play all plays. See how the S in stunt shows a dollar sign?


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[Assistant] Adam, I know you've had some mishaps, so I got you a push-button toilet lock. What the fuck? There you go, buddy.


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[Assistant] Oh wow, they thought of everything. Everything. Let's rip it off.


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[Assistant] No, I paid, I paid sticker price cause life's treating me pretty good apparently. Nice dude. Yeaah. Do you guys donate to Goodwill? Yeah. I have only because there was stuff I wanted, like,


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[Assistant] It did say 4pc on the back, but it's also from Russia.


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[Assistant] Who fill boxes full of wonderful manly things every month. Uh, so just as an example, we got some, uh, IPA beer glasses here.


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[Assistant] Pretty much. And it comes with a little target that you can stick up on a wall.


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[Assistant] So, uh, yeah, my goal is to get like, get rude on, uh, four or five cups of eggnog and run around in my backyard and pretend I'm Naruto.


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[Assistant] Yeah, Bespoke is basically like a variety monthly box for adults, so they have


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, each box goes for under $50 but has more than $70 worth of unique gear waiting inside. Whether you're in search of a perfect drink, a well-kept pad, or jet-setting in style, B-Spoke Post improves your life one box at a time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you'll have five days to change colors and sizes or add extra goods to your box if you want. If you're not feeling that month's box, then just skip it, but you can receive 20% off your first subscription box, which includes throwing knives!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, like, uh, go to boxofawesome.com and use code DUDE at checkout. Uh, so, yea, it's a good idea, stuff you wanna keep, holiday season, maybe you regift some of those knives. So,


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[Assistant] The knives. Uhm, when I come back in after the break and I'm missing a finger or just like Ghost White from Bloodloss, you'll know why. Or Incarcerated. Perhaps that, yea. Maybe.


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[Assistant] Everything about this show is to incentivize you to watch on YouTube so we get, we get those views, man. Oh! What's that? Oh, Santa's here! Hold on.


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[Assistant] Omar, throw this shit on, man. Sorry. This looks great. Omar's, oh man, his steps are gonna be great today. I can try and play it in this again.


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[Assistant] I mean, I guess it's somewhat redundant to say Russian pawn shop. Yeah, are there other pawn shops? Surely.


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[Assistant] Alright, here we go. Uh, Brett, you are now the proud owner of Sparkler on VHS. Enjoy that. Charming and fresh.


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[Assistant] Why didn't park overalls agents step in and change that name situation?


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[Assistant] Bizarrely, it's not sun-bleached either. That is a very crisp PHS sleeve.


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[Assistant] It's the Mountain Biking CD-ROM Skill Series for Outdoor Sports, your CD-ROM Interactive Expert.


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[Assistant] Hopefully this one we can play on the laptop. So if you fork that one over. Cause it's a CD.


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[Assistant] So Adam, you won't be able to shred up the mountain without proper nutrition and blue apron can help you do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, in a segment I call Cookin' with Lawrence. Uhm, this time I'm going to share with you the magic of the coffee grinder. Not just for coffee! Something I've learned. You can use it as a little mini food processor. If you have to like dice onions or garlic.


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[Assistant] Hit in there and blast it, and the lid of the coffee grinder is a small little cup. So if you flip it upside down, bang it on your countertop, pull that lid on. You got it all right there, you don't have to knock it off into another bowl. So, there's your little top tip that I've learned from cooking through Blue Apron.


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[Assistant] Uh, Blue Apron also, like you know, they're partnering with Weight Watchers Freestyle.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you can also just look and choose recipes. You can see all the nutrition and make sure you pick lower calorie stuff. That's what I do every week. I just pick stuff that's like 600 or lower to make sure that I stay on my calorie goals.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, those recipes include, these aren't the Weight Watcher Freestyle ones, these are just the ones for the month of December.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Include recipes such as panko crusted chicken and maple dipping sauce and Korean style popcorn chicken and creamy saffron risotto. If that sounds good to you, you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free at beliapen.com slash soup.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's blueapron.com slash soup to check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free. Thank you Blue Apron for the sponsorship.


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[Assistant] Omar, throw it, throw it to the laptop here. Uh oh. Oh, okay, that works.


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[Assistant] Okay, so this is supposed to play behind everything. Let me see if I can load her, load her up. Spin up that CD.


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[Assistant] Wow, we just barely got into this one.


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[Assistant] I mean, Adam, why don't you, uh, I'll narrate it as you take those photos, uh. I just did this.


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[Assistant] Tell it again! Well, we have an official translation this time, not that I-


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[Assistant] Let's pop that bad boy in and see. That was in fourth grade. It's from Richardson, Texas, man. Hell yea. That's where I went to college. What? Yea.


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[Assistant] Alright, so, I'm sorry to say Toonland doesn't seem to work on this Windows, but, uh, your trip to Toonland will take you to old McDonald's farm where dozens of funny and friendly characters are waiting to entertain you with songs, puzzles, jokes, and magic tricks. Oh, here, give it to me. We'll use it on demo desk. Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. We'll save it. Oh, yeah, cause you got the virtual machine.


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[Assistant] Uh, oh, this is the best one of all. James, yeaah? I doubt it. I'm g- oh wait, no it's not. This is the second best one. Hello, hello. Actually, yeaah. So.


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[Assistant] Well, you guys bring up a good point. Everything is online nowadays and so should you be if you want to get a job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Get a portfolio website at Squarespace, who is sponsoring this podcast. Yea, a bit of a tenuous link there. You got it, that's good. Seriously though, if you want a job in media, you have to have media available.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In addition, we're also giving you guys a discount. You can go to squarespace.com slash dudesoup for 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so that's squarespace.com slash dudesoup, 10% off. Uh, you man, I, one thing I also love doing is whenever we do these reads, I just invite people to make the dumbest websites they possibly can and send them to me. Cause I enjoy what people can make, especially on the internet. Throw some dumb memes on there. I'll, I'll, I'll treasure it always. So once more, that's squarespace.com slash dudesoup. Please send me your


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can be legitimate or dumb. I'm fine with both. But yea, squarespace.com slash dudesoup. So thank you for the sponsorship, Squarespace. Uh, thank you. Thank you so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oral ecstasy. Oh my. Over 1,500 high quality color photos.


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[Assistant] Alright, Santa's back. So nothing's there? Uh, just a line, I guess. Alright, here we go. Paintball Sports presents Sunday Drivers. Brett, you can enjoy that DVD there. Oh, sorry. Adam, you're up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, one guy came up and said, are these all the bicycles you have? And she said, yeah. Like that? Yeah, basically. And then he was like, where can I get more bicycles? And she was just like, I think there's a bike shop up the street. Oh, okay. And then he walked out. That was it for him. Yeah, it was a spicy day. Spicy day.


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[Assistant] What chapter do you want? Chapter 12. What's Paintball? I wanna know.


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[Assistant] Oh! God, I love that sound. It sounds like Christmas.


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[Assistant] As far as I know. There should be an apostrophe here. It's okay.


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[Assistant] That is absolutely an airport. There was a U.S. Airways. That's behind the scenes footage.


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[Assistant] Did you guys ever- I can't do both at the same time. Ah, that's fine. No, don't worry about it. Well, uh, who wants to be the world's professional pogo stick player jumper? Oh my god. Yeah, there's a pogo stick.


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[Assistant] We're not gonna break any of it. Uh, one last- Oh, did- did he move one of the cameras? Oh!


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[Assistant] Oh, Santa's here! Alright. This is a gift and we can all share it, because I don't think any of us deserve it all. It is the...


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[Assistant] Yu-Gi-Oh! Trading Card Game Duel Masters Guide on DVD. Whoa! The official rules.


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[Assistant] We're gonna share the knowledge. Yes we will. That's nice. Time to do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do that duel.


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[Assistant] That Russian lady's not going to eat tonight because she's down on a leather pouch. She will eat just fine. Remind me of the game gear.


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[Assistant] Look at all the exciting places you can go if you're a professional Yu-Gi-Oh player.


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[Assistant] Yeah, sorry. Thank you guys for joining us in our post-Christmas reverie as we, uh, enjoy all of our gifts. I hope you enjoyed yours. Perhaps this brought back memories of trying to enjoy shitty gifts on Christmas. Uhm, Brat, was it worth the drive?


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[Assistant] Yes, thank you guys for listening this, this week. Uh, next week's also is pre-recorded because we're on break, sleeping, trying to recover and become human again. I think Smash Brothers is getting me. Getting good at you, you dog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To have a bit of baked bean on my dinner. Or heck, a lunch too someday.


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[Assistant] But on the Monday, I find this girlfriend baked all the beans. I say, why do you bake my beans? And she says something as, I bakes them good to save time, so I bakes them all now.


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[Assistant] I am astonished and full of dismay. I say I can for not eat all the beans.


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[Assistant] There's a character who's just poo. Hey, how old are you kids?


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[Assistant] Like for me, it depends on what they're doing with their like stage time or something, because like, the instruments and stuff, cool. Like, that was cool, that was fun to listen to and stuff, but I didn't really care about it that much. If there's a person up on stage talking about the video game, like, this is what we did, and this is all these cool stuff we're adding, I'll be like, oh, okay.


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[Assistant] There, I'm hearing things I'm interested in. But I was clicking through those musical performances getting to those video games.


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[Assistant] What was I saying? Oh, I guess just the way I feel about it is it depends on what presenters are talking about on stage. As much as I love this, this was cool after the fact when I had already enjoyed the video game stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but if there's folks up there talking about the video game and all the cool stuff they put in their video game,


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[Assistant] And that's still stage time that people are down there enjoying, but it's more of, like what Elise was saying, like it's something that I feel like I as a person at home can enjoy as much as a person in the audience is actually there.


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[Assistant] No, I don't think it is, but- That's a bummer. Child of Light and Rayman are both wonderful.


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[Assistant] My brain was too scrambled when this started happening.


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[Assistant] With EA, they had a couple devs like that, like with Unravel. I always love when they talk about Unravel. It was last year.


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[Assistant] Uh, alright, Jacob, bestie worsties. Besties? Uhm, it's easy for me to say Microsoft stuff, cause I saw a lot of things I liked, but, hmm, I...


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[Assistant] I enjoyed Sony's conference a lot. I don't have a PlayStation, but every E3, I want a PlayStation more. I'm probably just gonna cave finally and do it. I just keep forgetting. That it's a desire I have.


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[Assistant] So it's in, you actually, you really enjoyed Sony's conference? I enjoyed the, the video games. I, I completely missed it yesterday and I clicked through it this morning. Okay. Just to watch all that stuff. Uhm. Watching it live.


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[Assistant] Oh, I have no idea what that was like. I had pasted it myself. Gotcha. But, I did really like Microsoft though, but I like...


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[Assistant] Well, Division had a gun that shot like a healing thing out of it. Yeah. So you could shoot your friends with health.


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[Assistant] There's never any cool mechanics like that though. It's always just a dude in a bulletproof vest that you're shooting in the face for 10 minutes until they die. But, I still had fun with it.


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[Assistant] During Ubisoft, I still play For Honor every so often. That game was always, I always thought it was really good, but it just kind of fell off the wayside, nobody paid attention to it anymore.


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[Assistant] But seeing more content for that makes me want to go play it some more.


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[Assistant] It might have been caught between, like, me yelling about Sea of Thieves. Oh! Harold Halibut! What? This isn't a lazy game.


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[Assistant] Who's that spinning Pedro man? Oh yea, my friend Pedro.


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[Assistant] They're just title cards with a little bit of visual stuff in it. And people love it. I love it. I love Elder Scrolls. Starfield, I'm also excited for that, whatever it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They didn't. Uh, alright, Fallout 76. What y'all think? It looks like a lot of fun.


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[Assistant] Like nuking people and stuff? That sounds fun.


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[Assistant] In the gameplay too, it even seemed like it was landscape altering. Like there were players running through this like totally bombed out area after a nuke dropped and looked all crazy.


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[Assistant] They said you could play it solo, so there has to be some kind of... Oh, you can play every game solo. Yeah. Something fun in there to do by yourself.


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[Assistant] I'm saying the nuke thing could, maybe it could work like how the skullforts in Sea of Thieves work. Like a nuke drops on an area and like there's good stuff there. Cause like it's like whoever was saying that in the chat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, it could just be a place that draws players to it. And a bunch of, it's rewarding to stay there and actually stick out with whatever is challenging them. So, maybe it isn't in players' hands. I guess we'll see.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, sure. Some context thing. I'm sure it'll be great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're gonna play unravel first and then follow it up with this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, getting hacked. Getting hacked on the plane. Oh, getting hacked in the meeting. Everyone's hacked. Oh, getting hacked in the eye. Getting hacked in the brain. Oh, hacked by some boy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Norman? This is like, hair is like, slicked back.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what happens with every person I see in this game. He's like, who is that? Who do I know that person from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. I know who you're talking about now. I still don't. Yeah, you did.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I really like Halo. I thought Halo 5 had wonderful multiplayer. I have no idea what kind of game this is going to be. But they seem to point out that they have their own engine now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This looks fun. I like the first one. There's a castle in the background, so that's exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, like, I played it at launch and I don't think I ever finished it, but I still love playing it and I fell off of it. Let's play it. Alright, let's do it. We'll finish up Dying White. PC? Uh, I don't have it on PC, so I'll have to start over anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Those weren't the ethnicities they were in live action world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like it's got like a fun bad guys, really good main character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, transference. I am down for some FNB games.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like a rhythm game almost. Yea. He does all these like crazy context sensitive things too, like he'll be next to a wall and he'll do a flip and jump off the wall or something and I imagine it's just like pushing buttons near a wall will make that happen, but I'll still feel good about it. That's all. Yea. Good for you, Jacob. I really like that they showed that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are there any better ways of exploring a city environment in a video game than being Spider-Man?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So it's game of the year, all yours. They all run how I run in real life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, wait, what was Vigor? I don't remember this. Oh, he's seen a lot of games that I don't remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think it's a year at least. It's easy to say that there's a ton of games to be excited for, which is cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, top-bottom dad, Adam Kovac. Full of dad jokes, like, uh, hey, who's your young friend? Is she coming over again?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We, I think, I would love to do that, Lawrence, we're workshopping ideas right now live on the podcast, where we could submit shitty sub, because they always do, uh, on Reddit, they do subreddit of the day. If we could do shitty subreddit of the day with you, where James and I can throw the subreddits that we hate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's uh, what was it, the life hacking with G4?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Several months worth, yeaah. I can't even think of one life hack to give you like, I guess maybe if you rub your pits a little bit you'll stay warmer, but I got that from Batman Begins.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do that right now. That thing is one of the rare times too where most everyone in the office was playing the same game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Also, what's your backstory with God of War in general?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do we have in the closet that we haven't used in awhile?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, big dude covered in white ash, you know, get out there buddy and here's a beard and you'll knock it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I was like, kept hitting square, and he's like, kept doing that, like, tarumba or whatever, and he's like, and I'm like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It just like came out, I'm like, there he is. So I was like, good on the game for having a character that can break and disappear and then still fix itself. I was like, that's actually good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm glad, unlike, like, James's complaints with The Last of Us that...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It feels like a video game, first and foremost. Yea, there is actually a game to it. It does have an engaging, interesting storyline attached to it, but first and foremost, that was my biggest worry when playing it, I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this the combat? Is this what we're doing now? Is it going to be this slow thing? Oh thank god, it finally, like, it rolls up. The way we talked about it was like, uh, I was talking to James, like, to me, at first it feels like someone saying, we're going to make God of War Dark Souls now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm okay with that. I was okay with Sony making their version of Zelda and it starring Kratos, because that's what it kind of feels like to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I thought those were good though. Cause like 2 and 3 I thought they went, they went...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he's a bad guy. You're playing as the bad guy. And I was like, yeah, finally, we get to play as the villain. Like, I never saw Kratos as a good guy. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone saw it and went, this is a good template for a video game, because we have a large list of characters that we can use as bosses, and it will all build up to you fighting the god of gods, Zeus, and it's like, cool, okay, smart, and the only way you can justify killing gods is to be a bad guy, right? Probably. Unless you're like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's two that, for whatever reason, they went, you, you'll be the new god of war. And he's like, aaah. They're like, okay, feral creature, here's, here's better weapons and here's armor. And then in the beginning of two, he's like, he is just a god, just killing him. Like dude, you're taking this god of war thing a little far. And they're like, you put him in charge.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. It's weird. That whole segment was weird. That whole thing is weird. That whole thing was weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just my, my issue is a weird one because it's one of evolution. So when I first started it, I'm the guy like you James. I was like God of War 3 was the shit. Like this, this, the era loved everything about it. It's one of my all time favorite games that I,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm like, oh man, so you're immediately on a titan, you're killing stuff. I immediately remember how to do combos. It's like, God, it's so much fun. And then God of War, new God of War starts and it's just like, it's slow, he has an


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I was like, I was like, trying to wrap my head around the controls and like, and like, he takes up so much of the screen, but it's this weird thing and, I mean, Lawrence already spoiled it, you get the Blades of Chaos later and I feel like that's when it-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It clicks into video game where I go, okay, now the game makes so much more sense to me. Like everything started to fall into place. Now I'm like, and now I actually like the axe because it's a weird thing where.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The good parts of the game are locked behind XP unlocks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is, is not bad. I think is you have to earn that and you have to understand how the game plays, how it does play differently, but it still can kind of be played like the old God of War. So like my biggest issue was that it was called God of War. It didn't feel like God of War, which I totally understand that weird isometric way of playing games doesn't work anymore. But when you're being surrounded by a bunch of enemies, it was nice to see everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In this game, you just have this kind of light arrow behind you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And until you get the Blades of Chaos, it's just really frustrating. And then like, I think I let out a sigh of sadness, like in one of the earlier parts where Kratos just gets killed by a Draugr with a sword and went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So this is, this is Kratos now, this is what we did to him, like this is it, but by the end of the game you're like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was an amazing moment where I was playing last night, you know, you meet the, you find like the werewolves later, uh, I went to like, it's like Niflhelm or whatever the, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if you got that, there's a level where it's just like this mist that's like slowly killing you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, I think the game just decided you're not playing anymore, because the werewolf


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, well I didn't know that the werewolves will dodge, like, grapple attacks. So now I'm like, oh, so I need to stun them first with the axe, and now it's like, I like the- Or hit them with the bow, like there's all kinds of alternatives. The game is a little, it was almost intimidating at first, of like, the amount that they give you, and then- What's going on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is why it's really hard, I think like in our job or day to day to like juggle games. Cause like, if I play a game, I need to just play that game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because then they started to get mechanics mixed up from other games. That's like when we played Destiny, I just binded it to feel like Overwatch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like, I think the base of the game is enough of a standard challenge and then it ramps up when it needs to and it does a good job of showing you areas where they're like, these characters, I also like that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like, these characters are level 500, it's like, they're level 6, you're level 3, it's attainable, you'll get there. And so then like, you could beat them, you could sit there all day and hit them with the axe and then like, try to dodge their attacks and they'll give you like some hack silver, like cool. But, the game is basically saying,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Go out into the world and explore, get stronger, come back here and feel powerful. I love games that do that. Those are the best ones where you felt like you were locked out of something or even, I mean this goes all the way back to Castlevania, Metroid or wherever where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, I wanna go through this door, but I don't know how to deal with it. And then they give you an item and you go, oh, and you come back to it and you're like, now I feel like I can go everywhere. Like, I don't know, that's the illusion of progress that I really like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when the game actually feels like it's expanding, I don't know, or I like, I feel like I'm getting better, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean also, like to James' point about the, like, North Mythology. I fucking love Norse mythology. Like, uh, what is it, American Gods was like such a cool show, how they like sort of


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When they did the retelling of like all the Vikings that like poked their own eye out and stuff, like, I just, just, the Nordic art style is awesome.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's, and it's really well done in this game. Uhm, it's weird, it's like, sort of how Marvel's been influenced by it, or like their, their style of how they've, uh, they've done the Asgardian sort of worlds, I feel like, is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's actually, that's a really fun thing too, where I definitely, I, I like, uh, I was gonna say the Norse, North? Norse? Mythos? Mythos. Jormungandr. I've never actually, like, read a book or a story or any of this, I just get it third hand from Marvel movies, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's actually been really cool sitting in the boat having this, uh, head telling you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's funny when he'll start, and that's actually a very really interesting mechanic that they've built into the game, where he will start and stop his story based on when you get on and off a boat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, yeaah, I like that idea where as soon as you pull sure he goes, but that's a story for another time. Yeaah. Oh cool, and then you get back and he goes, what were we talking about? And then he'll pick it up at a random part where he was telling us like, that,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A lot of it is, it makes a lot more sense in the end when you're like, okay, you, when you kind of get the full breath of his character. But the fact that he, all of a sudden, when he started being a dick to the dwarves who are cool, I like those dwarves, and he was like, we don't hear your complaints anymore. I was like, where's the button where I smack my kid upside the head?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I get my, my issue was, it's because it goes up and then right back. And then he's normal because he is...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He is attached to Kratos as a gameplay mechanic and you actually need him to progress through the game. So I thought they were going to be like, hey, your son, uh, uh, there's a part where like the kid gets, I think he's kidnapped or he's locked in a room or something and like you don't have him for the brief, oh, he gets sick.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the part where any, so you don't have him. And I was like, I thought one of the doors were like, I got this Kratos and he takes a bow and arrow and be like, I'll hit, I'll hit square for you. And then you're like, cool. Okay. At least I still have a bow and arrow to walk around with.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is the first one you could do. This is at least of the three I've played. Uhm, where when the game's over, you keep playing. Yeah. Uhm, there was no world to explore. That was always kind of a downer of God of War. It was like, new game plus, start over. It was like, ahhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's just a nice game to explore, like it reminds me of games that I really liked growing up. And not a lot of games can capture that. It's, I'm not saying it's doing exactly what the games I really enjoyed growing up, but it's like, I like games that make me feel like I'm a kid again. Like that's cool. I really feel like I got, like my money's worth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like Link and, uh, Samus and like Master Chief to another level, those are like vessel characters, where these are empty shells that you inhabit. Kratos is not a vessel character.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, like if you were to, and I'm not saying anyone should do this, but if you were to adapt a video game into a movie, anytime people talk about a Master Chief movie or anything, I'm like, what are you doing? Or like a Zelda movie, or then I was like the Zelda TV show or something like that, and I was like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Link is nothing. He's literally nothing. He's not, and he's not supposed to because it's a video game. And that's why it works. Or like, they tried giving Samus a backstory in that one Metroid game and like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and apparently that didn't go over really well. I just like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes, some characters are better just being nothing because that's, you know, I don't need Doomguy's backstory. But I am Doomguy. But the more you do that, I think the more...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, well cause what you're, what we're, right now we're, we're in a video game development cycle or a process of like, uh, numbers and ups and downs and you're talking like quantum computing where it's like, it's processing ideas that we can't fathom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, was it, uh, I think it was Morty plays it and he gets cancer and he beats it and then he goes back and works at the shop he's working at and he falls off the ladder.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then like, I guess Rick plays in, he's going off the grid! Like, those are, I think that's kind of what you're talking about, where it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You play a game, and you talk to someone about it, like, you're talking so far in the future, like, yeah, when I played it, I was an ice drag, and they're like, really? I was a barmaid, like, weird, right? Like, I just chose to do that, like, the game will just do whatever you're thinking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And how many times during God of War was there like a cinematic moment where you're flying in the air and you're about to do something, were you ready to hit circle or triangle?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just a giant triangle to be on the top. And this is not, this is not me shitting on the game. This is me expecting something and being disappointed that it wasn't there because someone didn't read my mind.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe I just missed it, but like, when you get the Blades of Chaos, shouldn't the original God of War thing kicked in? That would've been cool. Just something, like I thought I heard it a couple times, but just that like, da-da-da-da.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Just something a little bit, but at the same time I respect them for just saying, no, this is a new direction, this is a new trilogy or quadrilogy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 60 FPS porn is a little weird though. Well, I mean, they definitely leave the game at a point where, like, there, either there's gonna be some...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awesome DLC, or they're gonna just jump right into a sequel. Hero of Nirn has a good point, his wife did


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cringy stuff that I would, I would be killing myself in a meeting, or if like, you know, God of War plan day one, they're like, guys?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But they executed on it really well here, where he is just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's, it's one of those moments where like silence works so much better for a character where he's just all grunts where it's like yea, if he talked too much it would probably ruin it if he sat there and went


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've had a hard, troubled life and I'm trying to go, uh, shut up. Just be quiet and gruff and be a menace.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's some impressive, like, stretching ability, like on his arm and stuff, where it's like, I just sent Lawrence this video, hopefully he can pull it up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I, I was noticing if you get really close to the camera and you keep putting your weapons back and forth,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just see how detached his body parts are. His head is like a chicken, it just stays there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, okay. Oh wait, should I have sent it? I guess I can Chromecast it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, sorry. Google's really awesome where it just merges everyone you know into one thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was noticing, I'm like, when he does that, he just looks like a weird kind of skinny man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I often will play a game and go, games like, come this way, this is what the story progresses, I'm gonna walk backwards. That's why I thought Ready Player One was bullshit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I don't pretend to think I'm special in any way. Everyone does that. There's somebody who goes, I'm going to break this. Like that's what people want to do. They want to break.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was always so used, so the climax of God of War 3 is you, in first person, punching Zeus' face in until your screen is covered with blood, and he looks out to the horizon and the world is just flooded. Like, the world has ended, you know? Like, it's this really cool moment. This game is almost kind of like, the ending is kind of like a wet fart.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not bad, I'm glad, that's mean, but it's, it does just sort of...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't, it didn't feel like it built up to that large moment that I wanted. It was just sort of, uh, it was okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They definitely don't blow their wad either in the first one. I mean there's even parts of the game that they show you that are locked out which makes me think either it's DLC or the sequel will be DLC or something like that because you go to the Bifrost and they show Asgard and like Odin has locked you out and it's like


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You, there, there's a lot of gods that you know of from Norse mythology that from, I definitely know from the award winning game Smite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess ideally it'd be nice, and it sounds like blasphemy, that it'd be nice to get away from Kratos. Like I felt like his story was told, and it was, it sort of, and even after this it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And has moved on and now other gods are sort of following him or like, I think that's a really cool idea. Fish out of water.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Got out of water, I guess. And I was like, wow, what a neat concept. I'm all about that, I guess.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I hate that we have to fall back on nostalgia and be like, oh I know of Kratos, like, I almost wish it was it's own thing. And like they could have maybe alluded to Kratos, or like he's a character in this world, but like, it would have been kind of cool to just


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Make something somewhat new and sure call it God of War, I don't care, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just wondering if there's enough for a three story arc, a three game arc for Kratos to do again where it doesn't end with him just dying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The rules don't apply. Here we go. Exterior day. Kratos washes up on shore. Wakes up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and then, uh, a hand comes down and says, Can I help you, my son? Oh my gosh. And then there's just like a, like a T.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Jesus. Oh, okay. What did you think I was saying? His actual dad, Zeus. Oh, no. No, like the original disease.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did you take it all with a bit of a dash? I thought that was going to be a gameplay mechanic where you would have health regeneration between fights. I thought it was like after the fight's over, your health comes back up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I fell off a house, Matt Peek got married, and a game dev got fired for tweeting, we got pain, love, and internet fury. What more could you ask for in this black and blue bowl of dude soup?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The keying, listen, our computer doesn't key all that well, but that's okay. Uh, okay, welcome to DudesTube. Hi.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can still think and talk. Everything's fine. Uhm, yeaah, we got a stacked podcast today. A lot of life events to discuss.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, this podcast is sponsored by four sponsors because I goofed last week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I read the wrong week's worth of sponsorships and now we got a couple of make-ups to do. Still 90 minutes though, we're just gonna cram it on full. So this podcast is sponsored by Dollar Shave Club, Marvel Puzzle Quest, Burrow, and Casper.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can get your $5 daily essential starter set at dollarshapeclub.com slash dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, 4.3. But as you occasionally bring up, they didn't track days at the very beginning either. So there's a chunk in there that


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is actually the way I take it. So he handed you two and you put both in the ladies room.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Of the many ways that I'm bad at even maintaining a male body, which is not that hard. I'm gonna be honest. I can't even, I would fall to pieces.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rock your hips forward, put your arms on the back side to balance yourself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Man, speaking of women, have you heard about the husband stitch? What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My eyes are open to the barbarism daily. So, if a woman gets a c-section, male doctors often give the husband's dish, which is just like an extra little loop.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They'll tighten it back up, but the male doctors typically will sew it up a little more.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, make arrangements now. I guess once you catch the bullet, you've got like eight months to figure it out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was a weird sound. Uhm, alright, so I fell off a house. Here's the story of what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Fourth of July in Los Angeles is fucking awesome. Yeah, it really is. Fireworks here are illegal, but everyone sets them off. It's a literal war zone. You can hear like rolling explosions. It's only getting louder and bigger every year too, which is weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, essentially. I was a regular Dick Van Dyke. Sounds like parkour. It was, thank you for saying that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We were both drunk, because we'd been playing Rockman and drinking all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes. Well, I haven't played that yet, but I did buy it. God bless you, Rockman. So yes, James, to your point.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stephanie, for some reason trusts me, uh, with the many physical things I do in this world because I've yet to seriously injure myself. This has kind of broken that trust, uh, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was up there having a great time, uh, just feeling it. I had also packed a backpack full of like beer and a pillow to sit on. Uhm, so I- It's like you're running away from home. To your own home. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yea. Yeaah. There's, there's, I've, I've done it many times. I just didn't have a controller in my hand this time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I was wearing my, uh, I'm glad you brought that up. I was wearing my American flag romper, uh, so I had short sleeves and short legs. So yes, with the wind picking up and California evening rolling in, it was getting pretty cold.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, and about that time, as the wind picked up and I alone on the roof with a beer in hand watching fireworks, there was a breeze of wind, whew, and then I looked down and saw my loving girlfriend on the ground alone. I was like, gosh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I did, I did feel a pang of regret and that I was leaving my dear sweet Stephanie alone on this, on this July 4th.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hand on the roof there, propped one hand on the chimney. I was, I was like, I'm gonna be smart about this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I said to myself, I know that I'm not 100% sober. I'm going to be very careful and slow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I know, I know. Can you imagine, uh, such a man still able to think in such level?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, uh, my old rock climbing kicked in, if you can imagine. It's always three points of contact, and then you move the fourth, like you never wanna, you never wanna just be two because then you wobble. A triangle, pyramid, world's most stable shape. So I was doing all that stuff, good, good, good. I actually managed to like prop myself down on the chimney, got down on the concrete wall, everything was great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now the problem is, stepping down to the stepladder is in an unlit- oh, hold on, gotta click on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, people gotta be fallin', fallin' and hittin' hard, like that guy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so once I was on the concrete wall, that's when I'm in trouble. Now I only have two points of contact, my feet.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm also stepping down into a completely black alleyway. Where a stepladder is down there somewhere.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I basically, from basically squatting on that, fell to the ground. So about a five and a half foot fall or so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, but yeaah, the second I hit the ground, my god damn it, that shit really just happened. Uhm, I was already really upset that I knew I was going to make Stephanie really upset because she doesn't deserve that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, so we got, hold on. This is, I think, yes, so this is, this is from my girlfriend's Twitter feed. This is from, this is me at, this is me at peak hero, uh, being,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You have the freedom to kill yourself. Basically, I mean,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, basically I could have at one point, uh, at any point changed out of the romper but decided against it because I felt like it was too appropriate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So I hit the ground, uh, I picked up the pieces of my glasses.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then, uh, so, you know, do a little body evaluation. There's, it's weird because there's like different kinds of pain. There's pain that's like, ow, and then there's pain that's like, oh shit, something's really broken.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It didn't actually feel like anything was broken, and I was like, that can't be right. Uh, my toe was kinda numb, so I was wiggling it and like pinching it to make sure the bones were okay. Uhm, totally fine. Uhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, like, I saw a drip fall in front of my eye.


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[Assistant] And I was like, aw shit. I thought I would just be able to get up, have some scrapes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe like play it cool, like walk out to Steph after I like snuck in the house, clean myself off and be like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Once I saw the drip, I was like, ah, damn it, this is gonna get more complicated. Uh, so, but, so I didn't know what state I was in at the time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then I started strategizing. That's when the chess pieces started moving around in my head. Yes, chess. So...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so now I'm thinking, okay, how can I get in the house without Stephanie seeing me so I can get to the bathroom, like, clean, clean up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, so, forward is the easy way, but it also passes Stephanie, who's in the street setting off fireworks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If I go the other way, which is through a bunch of gravel and sharp rocks and a garden,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can go around the back of the house and get in, hopefully undetected.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, after plummeting off of this stupid wall, I'm also like rock- like walking through the backyard, shoving my way through shrubbery and stuff like that. Uhm, I round the side of the house and she's moved over to that side. She knew, somehow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, she was, she knew the second it took more than five minutes for me to get down that something had happened. So she was just waiting for it, basically. Either Lawrence fell off the roof or Santa's early.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm Phantom of the Opera reading my way inside, and the second she sees me she's like, you fell oh my god, and like she's, she's very worried obviously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I managed to shuffle my way inside, and I walked through the house to the bathroom, and that's when I realized...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't, like, I probably need medical attention, uh, because there's this huge gash, like, through my eyebrow, also it's already really swollen. And that made it look even worse.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It looked like a giant cyst that was in the middle of popping open.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Now I have to go to like the hospital on July 4th with, sit there with all the people who have blown off their hands.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did. I did not change on purpose. So, uh, and it had like a one, it had one streak of blood right under my eye.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew that. You haven't looked at me yet, doctor. $500 now, please. I could tell. Uh, so, so then Stephanie, god bless her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, uhm, and the Pickens aren't, aren't thick. It's July 4th, right? Sure. Not a lot of people are driving Uber or Lyft because they're enjoying their holiday responsibly.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I was originally doing Lyft and it does that thing where if you call a car, it'll like show a ghost car of the one they're reaching out to. And it was like, it was like Hollywood and stuff. Yeah, there was nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna have to wait an hour for a car to get here or nobody's gonna take the fare. Which they didn't. So then I switched to Uber, there were more cars driving Uber.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, and I kept calling for them. Two or three would take it, but more than once, they would take the fare and then just start driving away.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, we dropped off at the Urgent Care and it was a ghost town. Uhm, in the middle of me filling out the paperwork, like the insurance stuff, the doctor arrived. So they called her in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It ended up being okay because a family did arrive while I was getting stitches with like a baby that had a discharge. I overheard that, so that's something.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, uh, no, it's, uh, to that point, uh, yeah, shoutouts to Rooster Teeth for our pretty good health insurance because what Stephanie called and asked if you're open, the only question was what kind of insurance do you have? And she said PPO, and then they said, yeah, we're open. So it could have been


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, yes, yes. You can keep your eye today. God bless. So they, they escorted me back and I just remember sitting in, sitting in the doctor's chair with the sounds of explosions everywhere. It's like head aching and the doctor eventually came in, numbed it up, like injected anesthetic.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Stitch me up, which I always wondered what it would be like to get stitches while conscious, and now I know. It's a little weird.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Didn't it get confiscated though? It's like I got Yanked back from him.


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[Assistant] All of Dollar Shave Club's products are made with top shelf ingredients. Won't break your budget. Most importantly, you don't have to go outside to get them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why waste your shower time with scents that don't tingle and lighten and, uh, propel you to a new reality? Uh, turn your shower into a total scent experience. Remember I said that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You eat off the platter. You can get a sampler box of all of their products or most of their products.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, actually, I almost knocked over my coffee. Weird that I would be clumsy. Uhm, no, it bizarrely didn't hurt. So the thing that hurts the most is my shoulder, because I'm pretty sure I landed on that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, don't, don't wanna make, uh, sorry, yeah, the way I phrased it made it sound, uh, bad. No, Juno is, is a wonder of nature.