[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I'm gonna call him Nick because Jonah's like, why are we calling him Jonah? It's fucked up. He's wearing the same hoodie. It's the same night. It's the same fucking night. So according to them, he left, he was there in the beginning, he left, he came back, and then went and greeted, but they had no idea what was happening.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So again, it's like, let's stop the fucking charade, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. He's trying to avoid being memed like an apology meme, cause they always have like the tear lid. Right. My truth.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's probably more dislikes cause there's probably, but like when it first came out, it was like literally less than 1%. I didn't even get that on my best videos.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyway, here's uhm, David's apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bruh, that's not, you're not, like, if that's your job, just telling people to stay quiet, that's epic. I want that job. Just no, no, no.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's do a live reaction, even after I've just spent like basically an hour saying about what a bullshit apology is, but let's be fair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So here's what we need to do before we get into this. Uhm, uhm, I have to message Lena. What kind of pizza do you want?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Not this time. One large pineapple, olive, jalapeno. STAT! And you want the cheese bread? Or no?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, people did that like on Big Brother or whatever or that- I dunno, was that live? Alright, let's focus.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Talk about Judas. I followed him for years. Before I even knew you. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But now I wanna know if he's tweeting and shit. Doesn't- it's not an endorsement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's characterized in the last video as just like, oh, it's just a shitty apology that I just didn't know better, but like, that was a way of, he was attempting to avoid being totally cancelled by trying to, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, put all the blame on Dom and evaded all himself. So, I don't know that it's totally honest to characterize it as just a bad apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I need a really funny name for James Charles Burrito. The Spring Chicken Burrito is like pretty good, but it's not great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just not a good enough play on words but it's very accurate.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Exists in the same universe, big if true. Cause you know how people always speculate, like if different heroes...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't, I don't, I don't know, I, I do have to be honest here. I doubt-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That he knew the severity of what happened, but when he received the text message of her six months ago, he definitely...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The extent to which the assault took place behind closed doors


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says, oh, I asked her for consent the next day. It's like, bro, are you supposed to ask for consent when she arrives?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, but, but, I think what you're alleging is that he asked people to get alcohol for the girls, then that makes him like, pretty much, fully guilty.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So by the way, what he's doing is basically still leaving it all on Dom by saying, this is something that happened with Dom, we got consent the next day, but he's skipping over really the horrible allegations, which is that someone went and got alcohol under his direction.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're right. Consent and NDAs and consent forms are really tricky legally because


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If you can prove that it was like a coerced, uh, uh, uh, uh, permission, like the girl says in her, in the inside article that she was still drunk when she woke up and didn't even remember what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, like, you receive the text message from Hannah, six months later,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm trying to be, I'm trying to give him, you know, points where, where he can get them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He shoulda, if he put this video out instead of his first apology, and wasn't spending all of his time trying to keep the art from coming out and attacking everyone, then we'd probably be looking at this with a lot different, uh, perspective.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because he was desperate, I think he was avoiding it desperately because he, he suspected that a lot of sponsors would pull out if he acknowledged it happens. So now he has nothing to lose, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're saying, I mean, and I agree that that's kind of like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which is good, but I think people are glossing over what it really means is that he enabled this attack to happen. Right? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That was good though. He said, he did say that I enabled the situation. That was good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I should have been in the room. It's like, no, you shouldn't have put Dom, who you already knew was...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And a predator, right, after the VidCon thing. You shouldn't, which is something that you continue to do, is put girls in a position to be assaulted by your friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but I- he is saying something good in that he's saying I'm responsible for what happens there. Which is right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She actually made a statement. Here, I'll read it, I have it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, here she said, so this is the girl who was groped by Don at VidCon in 2000. Oh yea, she got the year wrong. I was like, I thought that was 2017.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He basically was like, she's kind of lying, but anyway, I'm sorry. And David left the famous comment saying, hey, good job, buddy. It's easy to be an idiot. It's hard to apologize.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So anyway, she just tweeted this in response to David's apology to her. She said,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't know if this was an honor mistake or trying to shorten the amount of time he continued.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] To platform him afterwards. I have mixed feelings on David Dobrik's apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I'm sus because Dom lied in his four years ago to say whatever would look nice for the camera and never privately reach out to anyone even though he said he did it for PR. I hope David will handle things differently. So.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, this was off camera. This was like, which is, which makes it, like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Way worse because every- this whole thing is like, oh Dom's playing this character. It's like no, he's doing this off camera.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So at which point between the 2007 VidCon video and the scores of other women that reached out to you privately did you refuse to believe that your childhood friend was capable of doing that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, again, you could say too late, too little, too late, but I think he makes a good point because I think what's really damaging is how he normalized Dom as like, hey, just your friendly neighborhood predator.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And like, this kind of shit that they regularly portray it as like, just fun-loving shit is, is basically just...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Shredder. Alright, let's continue. The little eye bleach.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He says he stopped filming with Dom in 2019. Cut to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, this one was pretty disturbing. This video was on Dom's channel as recently as last night. We ripped it because I knew that they were gonna take this down, but it was up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alfredo's- Alfredo honestly is the sweetest dog ever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, anyway, alright. You guys are distracting me, Alfredo, you sweet ass, cute motherfucker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, so he says that he discontinued his relationship with Dom in 2019. But!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here he is in 20- March of 20- Oh, this is unavailable because I have the backup of course. Of course we have the backup. Now this video- Did you do this last night? Last night. What's going on yo- Just last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, what is this? What is this response you sent me? Who is this from?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yea, I'll let Dan read it first, just to make sure it's coach. But, because we're live, you know what I mean? I just wanna make sure it's all good before I put it on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's, there's certain protocols when you're live that are different than when you're pre-recording.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This was uploaded, which I'll show you the proof here. What are we gonna say?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's a good question. So this was called Epic Vlog Squad Party, March 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The context of the video makes it even worse. Watch this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So he's promoting his, I don't know what, he's like going and throwing parties, which is basically his S8 world tour party.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well anyway, this is important. So this is, again, March.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're about to respect women, hen hen, wink wink. You know who I am.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Literally, who cares about Dom, no foul. Everybody party. David's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can just mute it. Todd? Todd's there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here he is talking about, oh, what, what, here they have subtitles, let me actually read what they're saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Where you know Dom is gonna be regularly doing this to women. This is like his perfect- You smell like fruit, I smell like frat. Okay, whatever, what's with everyone's t- whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I muted it because there's like, you know, copyrighted music, whatever. Anyway, they're all there. I, I, I don't know if like, Jeff was, I don't think I saw Jeff or, yeah, I don't think Jeff was there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So once again, I was about to ask, you're right, like they're at a college frat party. It's a USC frat party. Now once again, reminder, David, who severed ties with Dom because he knew he was such a danger to society, made a video promoting Dom's world essay tour, college campus essay tour, in March of 2020.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And they deleted that video this morning? They deleted it this morning or last night.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, it's even worse, he's going to his event and helping him promote it. Like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You broke a chair at Cheesecake Factory? Bruh, was it embarrassing?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well not only did he not reach out, and many times like you and Seth, he threatened and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wonder if you saw Dom's epic response to that text from Hannah. Kay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But he cut it away so it didn't feel too much. I thought that was a really good...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In terms of the apology, like technique, he teased the tears, but he didn't full out cry. Powerful. I thought that was a powerful artistic decision.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not like we're live! Nah, I'm kidding. It's fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it's your car, rocking my trash. You can park on the street, you don't have to park in my driveway.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you agree, you, I remember you saying that he's content has been better, of, of, of the recent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, you've been such a, you've been such an influence on him. With the floor, between sitting on the floor. I thought that was a good, that was a good comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And I did two- and I did- when I did two until yesterday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's good that he's speaking directly to his fans in this regard and saying, this is not the right reaction. So props to David.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keemstar, when this originally started happening, Keemstar tweeted David, uhm, don't let Ethan win. He's like, don't give in, I support you and don't let Ethan win. I was like, okay dude, change his tune now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, let's not. Philip usually has, you know, a good informed thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? You're not apologizing? You're cool with GameStar?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, fine, we don't want enemies. Now's not the time to make enemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a, I have uhm, kind of, kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is Jeff's, I mean, I'm not familiar with Jeff, but what is 10 people doing for Jeff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have, we have, uhm, we have, uh, makeshift HR. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a good thing he's saying, because I think one of the biggest problems with his vlogs, as we said, is that when you are dealing with big production shoots on big, uh, uh, professional shoots, you have the checks and balances, you have the safety people, you have the lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is a really important thing. You can't continue the way you're doing and the stuff you're doing without having oversight and checks and balances. So that's a good thing he acknowledges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel horrible for the, the, the injury, Jeff. Uh, uh, that what happened.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, he definitely took a hardcore injury, that's for sure. But let's not speculate about Jeff's injuries and let's finish this video.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love that. I got lots of time. I will no longer be blocking your numbers. Go ahead and reach out to me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we're okay. I know I've probably just, I keep getting swatted, so, so, but, but,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But so, it's been happening so much now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That they just call me and be like, are you okay? We just got a call.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause then if I don't answer, they have to come. So they say, is everything okay? And I say, yes, I know we keep, we keep getting, yeah, that was the police.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I'm just trying to be calm about it, but yeaah, obviously it's annoying. It's happening like, a lot. But, but, you know, at least now it's like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cool. They call me immediately, and if I don't answer they come, but if I catch it in time and say, like, hey, it's okay, I know I've been swatting, then they say, okay, good, everything's okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well joke's on you, you're not gonna ruin my pizza party fuckers. I keep saying whoever's doing this, the last person who did this literally is in jail right now, so I don't know why.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's not worth it to whoever's doing it. I guarantee it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I knew, so I get, I always, I never answer unknown numbers, but I could tell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I get this specific number that I know it's the police, so I was like, I have to answer this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it was, yeaah. Trust me, if I didn't take the call, we would regret it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He acts like it's some kind of, like, large issue happening on YouTube. He's like, I'm pretty sure it's not- It's pretty much just you, David.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Look, I think, I do think there's some part of him, it's like when you lose everything, then I feel like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a rock bottom situation. It's like, then you can actually...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] See things clear for what it is, so I don't- I do think there is some ju- uh, genuine remorse here. Even though the timing and everything is- makes it all super suspicious. But it's like, it's that rock bottom, nothing to lose, and then he's like, oh fuck, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, here's Seth's statement. He says, my response to David's apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] David producing conspired with Jason to manipulate me and essay me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is sickening. Companies were funding it and viewers were interacting with the videos and making millions of dollars off of other people's lifelong trauma. What you permit, you promote. Stop permitting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What you permit, you promote. Stop permitting it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Brands should focus on micro creators who are truly making a difference within the communities and who are really an example of values these companies stand by. The influencer is... The answer is AI influencers? Is he on some shit? Like what is he talking about Dan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I'm sure, and they, I noticed they made like a conscious effort almost to...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, AB saying, he means not all, okay, whatever. Not all influencers. Eh, whatever. I get the idea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let this be the last David Dobrik video we ever make.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you send that heart back to Jason now that he's probably seen this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Alright, thank you guys for watching another emergency episode of Frenemies.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You think people would pay to watch a seafood pizza? I like the Greek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wouldn't it be kinda epic to sell out the Greek and just silently eat pizza?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I said, that triggered you. On face value, like boom, here's an apology, it's a good apology.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But in the context of everything, it feels less genuine. I'm not gonna rate it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he's, I hope, and I hope that this is the beginning of him really parrying and trying to make amends for everything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ian, what's the score? Uh, the score is five, uh, Tricia Moses, six, Ethan.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, helps with inflammation, helps with swelling. Beautiful, beautiful. You guys should make it a competition, actually. Who could hold it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, I had nothing to do with you, but the guy I was gonna do it with was, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never see you out of the house. I was like, where are they? What are they doing? And you guys were like, Gucci shopping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Playing poker, at hotels, I'm like, what is happening?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, like if you got it and you got the vaccine, like I, I got a little something up last week and I was thinking like, did I get COVID? Like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What area were you in? Were you in the crystals? Were you in the Aladdin shops?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, next frenemies merch. I know we haven't done the first launch, but the second launch. We should do basketball shorts like pink and black so Adam Sandler can wear them. Oh yea, sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I think it's better to have a big belly especially as a guy because that's a sign of like you eat good, you have money, you know, like that's the big bellies are in.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, I saw TikTok, uh, over the weekend about why fa- as a fat person, someone else talking about why they can't be with another fat person, and it's because, like, there's too much- too many bellies and too much- Oh yeaah. And all that stuff like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you are skinny and your belly's not even that big, it's just because you're so thin up here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But what other podcast offers this? This insight? None.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why is it good will hunting? Why is it just not will hunting? Why is it good will hunting?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, are you going to start crying? Are you the Will Hunting in this? Yes. And I'm the Robin Williams.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't, I didn't say that. I just, you know, respect to his family.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't flubbery back then, I was a lot thinner than I am now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did cross paths with him, yea. But it's not a cool flag, like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People nowadays can flex that they slept with like Tekashi69, like those kind of people are the flex now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you've heard it your whole life, so you're just numb to it now. You're just like, oh, I've heard it so many times.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, should we go on that private jet? Maybe that private jet was meant for skinny people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't, so I guess that's a fact right there. I'm one of the statistics of fat people who don't write private.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we know. It says Trill. Oh, Triller. What?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm actually done. Self-deprecating right there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's definitely that because we put our piece, I put, I was detective work over the weekend, so I definitely know it's...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sailing across the Delaware to meet Hamilton for the first time. Everything comes down to Hamilton.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How's that song go? Uhm, am I right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We're sponsored by Treller. You're like, it's actually a TikTok app. Give it a little rundown of what it is.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did watch the whole thing looking for an apology or at least an acknowledgement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Even before this started, he should have just did a quick video. Like, I was stupid, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's the same format of him trying to do this kind of stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the only thing I will like, you know, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Besides from how they act and all that other stuff, like the way they treat me and stuff like that, but like, and obviously he doesn't hang around with like teenagers, but like aside from all of that, like just the physical looks, like I'm not trying to be mean, but like, you know, he did leave me in a psychiatric hospital. He looks like death.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can't like kick an old horse when he's down, you know what I mean? Go give him some views, give him a thumbs up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, they have really cool patterns and really cool comfort and the fabric is great and doesn't make me break out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The process is simple. Sign up at bluetooth.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part is it's all done online.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ethan and I are competing to raise the most money for charity once again depending on which sells the most. So you can get rewards just by brushing your teeth with the Front of Me themed electric toothbrushes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And if you do the two minute brush, you'll earn extra rewards for that day. Damn. These points can be redeemed by rewards you want, like a Target e-gift card or even a free quip brush refill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, lgbtq plus month coming up, so we're already getting early on that, the support of both.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Trevor Project, yeaah. It helps with the job placement and then the Trevor Project course, uh, I'll give you that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So they just promoted their show, what if that makes them millions of dollars? That's paying their legal fees for against you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The alpha brains. Why is it so, yeah, why is there so much like, like grow frat boy energy on YouTube right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Orthopedos. You know what I mean? Like orthopedics.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like the James Charles, the Tony Lopez, the Andreas Lopez, they are all P words. Orthopedo doctors.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes the funniest thing is like don't cry, like don't try to be funny, then you're funnier. And Mike is, when he doesn't do that, like delivering to camp, whatever he's doing, like you know, we're taking a comedy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, there's a lot of small dick energy coming from this. Right. And there's more. There's more small dick energy coming. I wouldn't shame people like that normally, but this is real small dick energy, the way they talk about sex workers, me, people, like all that stuff. So anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Seriously. They've all had some serious.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like I guess, I guess that's like, I don't know anything about that, but I guess that's my whole point too is like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know this person, like if I heard something about you that was like inappropriate, like, like, that Romeo Lacoste guy from the last episode, everyone wanted to know, I'll just say his name, Romeo Lacoste, whatever, like, if, if there's like inappropriate stuff with minors and like it's proven and like people, like, James Charles admitted to it, if people admit to it, I'll keep coming for you, I don't know anything about you, I'm not gonna come for you because I know nothing about you, you haven't done that stuff, but if you're, you know, if you're doing something inappropriate with minors, I'll know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm a bully, bitch. Who's the bully now? I'm ready. Be scared. All my followers are gonna come attack you, Mike.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Mike is so annoying. Your book is good, bro.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, it's gross. He thinks he made it. He thinks he's made it. He's just like, you know,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have no issues with the guy next to Mike. Adam, you're cool. Mike, you're a piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm sorry, I apologize for calling people a horse. I don't apologize for calling you my dumb, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was this kind of aggressive behavior towards women that like, was a red flag.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, you're definitely not, you're not loading a ball, like damn. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, he has deep-rooted issues with like women or something. I don't know, he has like this really weird hatred towards like people and women and...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He said, yeaah. Adam confronted him on the interview too, and it's like, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She said she's married to John Legend, that she has status, that I was just like, damn. And she just did a half ass apology. Which by the way, she had Courtney blocked. She said, she said to that, oh, I'm like, apologize to Courtney and I want to reach out to them, you know, publicly. But like Courtney's like, this bitch has me blocked still.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she was blocked and Courtney said that, that, that Christy did not reach out to her like privately or whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like I like the level of like money and I wanna be more famous or more rich.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Awful, like that's- he likes it, he enjoys being an awful person, and so like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel like Keemstar is an equivalent to someone that I really dislike, like I feel like we both have these, like, but I don't talk about that person because I just feel like that person, like, gets off on it, you know what I mean? Like, I mean, I'm all for it, like, talk about it, bring awareness to it, but I'm just saying, you know what I mean? Like, I think he, like, loves the back and forth, like, he loves being angry and making these videos and stuff, you know, and he doesn't want to be better or, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's what I'm saying, I think this person's like really like disturbed. Me too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not a defense, it's really affecting me, it has nothing to do with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Psyche and stuff, these people that are like really up, disturbing this. Right, right, right. It's not Mike or something, or you know what I mean, like a back and forth, just like that other girl we don't talk about. It's like there's a lot that like some, there's some people that are fucked up too much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I suppose like, Bryce Hall, I don't think he's like, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was the only one and people thought I was dirty because my mom like chopped my hair off and stuff. I have a lice picture of my short hair.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You worked it out with, with- Well, before you hopped on Dr. Drew, and I'll cut this out, we can just- Before you hopped on, I was talking to Dr. Young, and uh, and he wasn't positive if he could, but I kinda explained the situation and he offered very graciously-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right, and he offered to do that as well, but then he said, I might be able to come tomorrow, and so uhm, we can settle that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, I think that attracts, I would say the only one that surprises me a little bit is, uhm, is, uh,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it? Was it the Machiavellian that he was like a one point something on?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, psychopathy, okay. Because you can be pretty cunning when it comes to, you're a shrewd, well no you're a shrewd businessman and you make smart moves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I guess Machiavellian really means- Well hold on, those are two different things. Right, it means it's more manipulative and, and, uh-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Trisha's right, you guys talk shit all the time. I don't know, I don't think you should have been as offended as you were. At least without having the conversation off the air.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Probably the week of the 11th or the 12th? Oh really? Well we usually post on Tuesday so, I mean, potentially the 12th of January.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, yeah, what about the first week of January? What about it? That's the one, one of the weeks that we're taking off.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's okay. But I never expected that. You have to play ball with these people to win. Do I? Yeah. Fuck them. Jayshitty probably won because he immediately emailed them back and was like, yes, I'll fly out. I'll be there. Really?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are they friends or are they enemies today? Tune in to find out on today's episode of Frenemies!


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[Assistant] Well some we put in for, listen, some we absolutely put in because they were entertaining. Cause it's a show, I mean come on, you have to expect that. But we put in plenty of respectable candidates too. There was not one.


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[Assistant] I just pulled it up, why is it 7 minutes long?


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[Assistant] He was a rapper, but funny enough, he actually kind of transitioned into emo in the last couple of years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, so we're doing the same format where you both answer, right? Yes, sir. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Since you just said 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, here's a question about just that. Starring Adam Sandler, Terry Crews, and Taylor Lautner, this film has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, the answer that's written here is the Ridiculous Six. Oh, I wa-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Here, filmography. Go ahead, Dan. Look, his filmography has it's own fucking page. Take that stickers off your phone right now. It looks like he is, he has only written like a handful of them from what I'm seeing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the store that Adam Sandler finds the magic remote in in the film Click?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] In Waterboy, uh, what's Adam Sandler's character's name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What pop star burned down her home gym with candles?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What is the name of the main character on the show, Mad Men?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's just a weird coincidence. Anyways, moving on from that, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uh, Andy Samberg starred as Adam Sandler's estranged son in this film, described on Wikipedia as one of the worst films ever made.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, there's, because there's no English, uh, uh, trivia in here because last time somebody got so embarrassed that we decided not to do any English trivia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anyways, uh. No Adam Sandler. Okay, uh, how many, uh, how many Harry Potter books are there in the main series?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. For the podcast, he might be hard to talk for a couple hours like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who said, one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Adam, uh, becomes the unlikely foster father of five year old Julian. What nickname does Julian choose for himself?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] My clock for the show says an hour 58, which means we're almost out of time and it is a tie score, so should this be the decider right here?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Rapid fire, let's go. Thirteen. Thirteen. That's right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did Freddie Mercury do that garnered the video a lot of attention and controversy?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why do Adam Sandler and Kevin James pretend to be gay and marry each other in the film I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry? Why are they doing that?


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[Assistant] And I love Mondays because like I have such a good weekend like we don't do anything Saturdays and Sundays like during Saturdays and Sundays we just like lay by the pool and eat so much food and I just like love it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Monday through Friday we do the intermittent fasting, the one meal, but we do go off on, on the weekends and it was really good, but.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, no, no, but we are, we are a sweating for the wedding. Seriously. Most like, you know, we both were like, we need to like get it into gear for the wedding. Uhm, because-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah. Have you heard that? Who said that? No, but I like it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, we have sponsors. Sponsors in today's video is, uh, Honey and Omaze. Thank you Honey and Omaze for sponsoring, but yea.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's just who you're, it's just what you're attracted to. You know, some people don't want to have a gender, some people, you know, it's just like that. It's, you know, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, we have, we have, we launched. Okay, this is just phase one, but once this is gone, it's sold out. And let me tell you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click on it, maybe. Try and order, like, um, size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We did, this is our collab, this is our first collab. We have four more collabs coming out this year and then we're gonna do our own in-house stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love that. It kinda looks like a golden retriever too so I was like torn. You guys have bags now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Connor, the guy who signs his cast, finds the letter and keeps it. He's like, haha, I'm keeping this letter, whatever. And so then, the next, like a couple weeks past, whatever, the guy that finds the letter and signs his cast


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So then the parents go to Evan and like, Oh, his last letter was to you, even though Evan wrote it to himself. And so then he tries to like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh! Oh! Can I say one more thing and then we'll get off this, I promise. The reason he broke his arm, we find out at the end, is because he was trying to kill himself.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So we can watch the movie. So we find out that actually, Evan, he, the way he broke his arm was he was trying to kill himself off a tree and he ended up falling and just breaking his arm. And in that song he says, he's like, he goes, and you're falling in a forest and it wasn't around, did you really crash or even make a sound? If you're falling in a forest and there's no one around, does it really, really crash or even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? Did I even make a sound? I never made a sound, will I ever make a sound?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, Greece. As seen in Greece. So like all the people who are in Greece were over 27. They were all like 30, you know what I mean? But...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know, but I heard that, I see that. Yeaah, Tik Tok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god. Oh, hey gay pride socks, look at your socks. Show em, can you show em?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you like a, maybe like a little, a little sheep? A little bear? Sheep is a follower, you're not sheep. You're like a little bear. Like a little tie bear?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is this a new member of HD? I don't know, love. He's, he's the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like when they're on camera, do you pay them extra? No. That doesn't matter, I don't know why I'm being nosy, I was just wondering. I wondered that when I was watching the damn thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what though, you're really influential because you guys are eating chips and I start eating chips at the end of the episode. It was like three hours in and I was like, damn, I got some chips and I was stuffed. Oh, Benny Hanna. Uh, what?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] JoinHoney.com, slash, in front of me. Should we sing it? We have our harmony?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am the pink side is doing it to give someone out there a chance to, uh, get a Tesla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It purifies water sourced sustainably from the ocean providing a long term renewable powered drinking water solution for maybe many living in brutally dry conditions.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So the donation goes to that. So you can donate and you'll also get entered to win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Four. Three. Two. And we're back! Green does not go that turn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sexual impropriety? No, no, but when you're like, ehhh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, it's so much better with Adam. Did you see Tigo? Tio? Tigo? Is that her name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's too many zombie films! And now Chris D'Elia is like the podcast of the dead.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And Zack Snyder said it was a no-brainer to replace Krystalia. He said that was not even, that was an obvious choice that we would replace him after the, after his scandal. So there's certain things like Harvey Weinstein forever cancellation, Krystalia forever cancellation. There's certain people, you know, underage, stop, stop messing with underage people, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That I'm just killing it in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Anthony rap, uhm, yeaah, I guess I think he r-worded Anthony rap.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I like the director hands. You know, I don't think so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I'm so stupid, like, people cancel me, I was getting canceled over the weekend, I didn't even know what I was talking about, so just, I apologize for anything I said.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But I said what's happening in Palestine's horrific and I don't even grasp, I can't even grasp it, so I'm sorry, I really just don't know anything and maybe don't, don't encourage me to speak up. You know, maybe other influencers should speak up, I don't think I should speak up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm supportive of that. I mean, I'm supportive of people on it, but like, I got off mine and I like, I felt better, but that was just me personally.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did you, did you talk to your doctor? What did he say? Is he like weaning you off? Like little dosage?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I wasn't. I was only six months. Oh, yeah, yeah, okay. I was on for like six months and I like won.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I might have been misdiagnosed, maybe it wasn't like depression, I think it might have been something, you know what I mean? Like I just think maybe it was a misdiagnose. I don't know, there was something crossing. Cause I was on medication, like, I'm supposed to start in my life. Did you try that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know if it's like changing me or if I'm like, what's that placebo effect where you're just like, I think I'm changing cause I'm on this medication or do you think it's a real drug, maybe real?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm like, I think I'm getting better. You know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I told them to stop. One day I was just like, stop! And they stopped.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Be firm with your depression. Be like, you know what? Stop right now. We're done with this today.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, my eating, I'm like that too, my eating is like, I'm like, I'm not gonna eat anything tomorrow, which is so bad, it's like a huge disorder, but, and then I eat, and then I'm like, aw, you have no self-control, you piece of shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He used to sneak food, they're like, he didn't go almost fast, he was like, sneaking food, I was like, oh shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it's like an insecure thing. I think it's like they were insecure and now they have the power, like they get like power horny. You know what I mean? They're like, aw I got all this power, I can fuck anybody now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, that's really bad, but like, get help if you can.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I think, I think for, because I think I was a sex addict at one point, I think it's like an insecure thing, like I really do think I was a sex addict at one point where I was having sex like six times a day with like different people, like it was crazy, like I was on Tinder, and I really, like for me, I don't know, maybe I wasn't a sex addict, but I do, I did feel like I was, and I was just like, to me it was like this really like, it was a validation, you felt like love for like an hour, like someone loved you, you know, for like an hour, I don't know, but that's what,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, I don't know, maybe it's different for me, but- No, I know what you mean, I mean-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You want to feel sexy and like wanted and then like that's how I thought was like going about it. So I was like that for like a really long time. It was like crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, it was so, now being in a normal relationship, I was like, oh, he'll give me attention even if I'm not having sex with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, whatever, I don't want to be that person that harps on it, but, but it is destructive when like grown 40 year old men are with like trying to get with 18 year olds who don't want it who think, oh maybe I need it for power or clout or whatever, you know, it's like it's fucked up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, James is bad. He just is, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I know. But it was, I liked that video, I like it, it was good. I like it too. I'm glad that they blurred out. They didn't put them in the credits either.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The underage and the fans, that's so much manipulation and power play.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, that might be a soul searching thing. He did look that behind the eyes. That was not about his looks, it was about his soul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't look like a dead horse. I was triggered by your, by you, and I shouldn't have watched it, but happy birthday! Because honestly, you deserve a happy birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I feel bad warm right now. I think things are tough, so happy birthday.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] A dead whore. I'm sorry, that was bad. I felt bad, it was a little mean. I was triggered. I was going back in time when he told me I should eat all the chicken nuggets. He's like, you ate 10 chicken nuggets? That's all I was thinking of in that moment. I was thinking like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're coming back in June. David and Jason are coming back with views in June. They'll be fine.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I guess if there's a lawsuit happening, but if you did something bad, admit it, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't say what God's gonna do, but did you see that one guy who murdered a- an orthopedist, like someone like James Charles, he like murdered the guy, and he's like, I don't have a right to judge him, but I- like only God does, but I gave him like a fast pass to that judge. Did you see that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They're conservative, maybe? I don't know. You know, I don't know, I don't see anything like, terrible with it, so they wanted to cover up some cleavage, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never wear a bra. Bra as always. Why? Why should we be constricted, restricted by a wire?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's probably truth to that, cause like the thing about your running and the day to day, yes, they probably do fall, like I feel mine have fallen and stuff like that, so it probably does support it, and some would argue, you know, back pain, like you know, especially mine, like if I'm running, I wanna be, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So if he said, why, like, the mask thing, like, oh my god, why would you, like, wear a mask? You're stupid. Why would you get vaccinated? You're stupid.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're pretty, you're pretty passionate about your COVID stans, and he's pretty passionate about his COVID stans. I thought all this would be like, but COVID's almost over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, that's what I was wondering if you would go on there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Our invites are $200 a piece. Our wedding invites. And we're inviting like 250 people. How much money is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well I don't know anybody else, but I guess. I don't know, that's awkward now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They can bring theater if you want, or not, whatever you want.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well there's other kids coming so it's fine, I don't expect it to all be about me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Me and Moses are singing at the wedding. We're singing a song together too. I can't wait.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're gonna have like a family table. There's so many places to sit. You're like family. Oh yeah, you have to sit with family. Okay, that's a lot happening. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, maybe that's why people need to go buy Sabway merch so I can pay for the invite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we do a vlog with Donnie? His show is opening in Vegas August 31st. He's coming back solo. It's the first time in four years that he's been back by himself. Can we go-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can we do a, can we do a friend of me's vlog with Donnie Osmond in Vegas?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, it's gonna be white silk, it's gonna, it's gonna be dope. Cause my, my dress is so extravagant and so, it's so cool. People are gonna be like, wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but you said, you said on the episode where we talked about Moses, you said, uh, he'll want to fuck you, but not want to marry you. And now you have proven- Did I say that? Yes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, we're indoors, so, okay. Meme game? Meme game.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What? I did beat you, you're right, damn. Round two?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That reminds me from Hamilton, like people are rioting, people in France, da-da-da-da-da, if you give them a chance, it's from Hamilton, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like, that means you can't lie. Oh my god, I literally thought, oh my god.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe bring that up next time you see my mother. Be like, did you ever get fisted? How many fists do you get up your ass?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That looks dumb, that looks like a real one. What if Ian just makes all the memes of the internet? Tim, cause that looks like it. That looks like that font.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can leave a comment for me. Only if it's nice.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, can I, do I do it now? So, red shirt is Palestine, Israel, America.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll take it. I was being political too, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You're not like that though, Ron. You're always happy. You're always like, ah, let's go play. You're very active. Like I feel like I want to be an active mom because I'm kind of fat. So I feel like I just go play, but you're very active with him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, Ian is the best, I mean honestly, he's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like my girls thick, not just kind of fine. Eat her out, call that wine and dine. I just know his lyrics about fat girls because I know he likes fat girls.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Fat Pornstar specifically, so. If I was Single Drake, I'd be right here, but I'm not, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Find another fat porn star. Okay, uhm, this one is... Oh, oh, I got it, I got it. Uhm...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pornstar is undersized 12. Pornstar is BBW.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. By that logic, you would be his type then. You're a huge ass man.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe solo Ethan. Ethan with a female co-host. Non-binary, whatever. All of it. They them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Which by the way, can I say, not binary means gender fluid, I switch genders a lot, even he-him, like sometimes Moses refers to me as he-him, just FYI, we are gender fluid. Just, just saying.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a screenshot, like a shot from a music video, like a fan. I mean, I had a desktop


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't make me like waiting for you any second Sarah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What did she, oh, it was like the, the alpha and the beta, is that what it's, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is it me? I don't know. I don't know this meme. I really don't know the meme, but I'm assuming it's that kind of thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what's so crazy? Cause I know other podcasts they have that get like a hundred views, like literally a hundred views, a hundred downloads. I think they just did it cause I was friends with Shane, you know? Cause I really, I don't think podcasts get canceled. Like they'll give you three cents, you know? And I was doing good. So I think they just, whatever. It's okay. Cause you contacted me right after my got canceled. I'll take it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was going to say that. Like it or not, I'm an OG. I'm longer than Philip DeFranco. 15 years. Thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But who else? Who else has been longer than us? Me and Philip. Oh geez. Without taking breaks? People are like on hiatus, they take a break. I've been consistently posting everyday for 15 years.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, well, you know, not a riotty, I'll take it. Runnin' means it's poppin'.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, I'm gonna go with the Peter Pan and Michael Jackson.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Did he live in Neverland? You know what I mean? He dead?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh my god! Jesus is eternal, so I don't know what that means, little game. Actually, Jesus did die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Jesus, the human, what's that like this? Let's look as unattractive as possible.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's the only year Moses played Jesus when he was 29 to 33. He retired at 33 because he didn't want to play Jesus any older than he was. Fun fact about Moses, he stopped at 33 for accuracy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's alive. God's not dead, he's surely alive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's not. He's better. He's God's son. Oh, Jesus or God? What if God was one of us? What if Jesus was one of us?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He lives in Neverland. Michael admitted to being Peter Pan. Proof is in the pudding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Pudding is the euphemism for something, because on dinner for schmucks they say that, like, eat my pudding, remember? Zach Galifianakis and Steve Karali's like, say eat my pudding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like it, cause it has my woos in it. Alright, what do we think?


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[Assistant] I don't like that he got scumbag Steve. Maybe scuba Steve or something, you know?


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[Assistant] Uhm, James Charles on top and Snapchat on the bottom. I don't get it, but it's kinda cool. Do she?


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[Assistant] Okay, that was my final answer. That was hard.


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[Assistant] Wait, what's CP? Where'd you even think of that? Okay, but what made you think of that?


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[Assistant] I'm low effort because I have no food in my belly. I need to bring a snack for halfway through because we take pee breaks and then you guys, you know, we have to take a lot of breaks. I need to take a little snack break.


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[Assistant] Hey guys, uh, I need to do a drama today on the Jake Paul sexual assault allegations. And quite frankly, I do not believe the alleged victim. And I don't want to just-


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[Assistant] Just cover this real quick on DramaAlert without getting some pushback. Maybe there's something I'm missing. Maybe, maybe I'm not seeing a certain angle to the story. That's why I'm making this Twitter video so I can be challenged before I put it on DramaAlert in front of millions of people.


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[Assistant] This girl is claiming that Jake Paul, you know, was kissing her, holding her hand, led her to her room, she didn't want to do any further stuff with him, and then Jake Paul like, grabbed her head and started fucking her face, and within 30 seconds, busted a nut in her mouth. And she claims that she was sexually assaulted. Now,


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[Assistant] How does that happen? I'm s- I'm like, wha-


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[Assistant] Wouldn't she have to open her mouth and like participate in some way for that to happen? Like can't you just turn your head or can't you just get, like is, is there, is there,


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[Assistant] These allegations have come out against Jake Paul. This YouTuber and TikToker put out a story basically saying that in 2019, Jake Paul s-aid her. But before we get to that, you know, these allegations allegedly happened in 2019. Why are they coming out a week before Jake Paul is about to f-


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[Assistant] Stop! I don't like this! Get away! No! You have that responsibility!


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[Assistant] That's not right. It's not, it's not sexual abuse. It's not rape. It's just not right.


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[Assistant] When I was in my twenties, like, I had this awesome friend group of guys and girls, we all hung out, we were all friends, we were all homies, we would party or whatnot, and sometimes people get wasted, guys and girls, and they get too touchy-feely with their friends, alright? Sometimes things were said that were just like,


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[Assistant] And he kissed the girl's hand. All right. And she didn't say, get off me. She didn't say stop. She didn't say, this is making me feel uncomfortable. In fact, she said absolutely nothing.


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[Assistant] That doesn't sit right with me. That's supposed to be your friend. You know?


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[Assistant] Last time, we saw two consecutive legislative bodies, the Rump Parliament and the Nominated Assembly, abruptly dissolved by men with guns.


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[Assistant] Despite his reputation as the slayer of parliaments, though, it doesn't really look like Oliver Cromwell was happy to see either go away.


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[Assistant] Well, I guess in the end he was happy to see them go away. But what I mean is that he probably had been hoping it wasn't going to come to that. But then it did. Twice in a row.


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[Assistant] So the entire political system has once again crawled up onto the back of Oliver Cromwell.


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[Assistant] Luckily, John Lambert was right there with the instrument of government ready to go.


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[Assistant] On December the 15th, just three days after the murder-suicide of Bare Bones' parliament, the instrument of government was adopted.


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[Assistant] On whose authority was it adopted? Look, just, it was adopted, okay? Does someone want to get Cornet Joyce in here to explain it to these people?


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[Assistant] The next day, in a sparsely attended ceremony at Westminster, Oliver Cromwell was sworn in as the Lord Protector of the Commonwealth of England, Scotland, and Ireland. But what did that mean? Well, let's get into it, shall we?


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[Assistant] Lambert's instrument of government is actually a pretty nifty piece of work.


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[Assistant] It was constructed in part from the remnants of the old Heads of Proposals, and grounded most especially in the theory of separated powers.


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[Assistant] Lambert had observed that any unchecked political power, whether in the form of a despotic king or a despotic legislature, had the tendency to become, well, despotic.


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[Assistant] This was one of the reasons both the rump and the nominated assembly had become so onerous to so many people.


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[Assistant] But the other thing he observed was that a big legislature is basically incapable of efficient and timely governance. It's a too many cooks spoil the broth kind of thing.


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[Assistant] So the instrument of government divvied up legislative and executive power between three interlocking, mostly co-equal branches of government.


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[Assistant] A big legislative parliament, a small executive council, and a lord protector who straddled them both while being simultaneously limited by both.


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[Assistant] On the legislative side, the instrument thoroughly reorganized parliament. It would now have 400 members representing England and Wales, and another 30 each for Scotland and Ireland.


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[Assistant] New elections had to be held within three years of the closing of the last session, and each new parliament was guaranteed a minimum life of five months.


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[Assistant] The property requirement for suffrage was jacked up to 200 pounds annually, and the district lines were radically redrawn to eliminate all the rotten boroughs flirting around out there,


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[Assistant] And bring some semblance of rationality to the electoral process.


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[Assistant] Catholics were of course disbarred both from voting and serving in parliament, as were ex-royalists who hadn't been granted specific exemptions, which Lambert hoped would solve the problem of the first parliament potentially voting to restore the monarchy.


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[Assistant] On the executive side, the council was to be composed of between 13 and 20 members who would serve for life.


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[Assistant] Lambert devised an elaborate system of choosing new councillors, with parliament nominating six candidates, the sitting council narrowing the list down to two, and then the Lord Protector selecting the winner.


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[Assistant] Once a counselor was in though, they could not simply be dismissed by the Lord Protector at will, as a king could eject someone from his privy council.


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[Assistant] They required a fairly cumbersome impeachment process to get rid of an objectionable counselor.


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[Assistant] And when you consider that the council was to have control of the armed forces when parliament wasn't in session, and they were to be the ones who selected a new lord protector if the old one died, it's pretty clear that the independent power lodged in the council was one of the major political innovations of the instrument of government.


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[Assistant] The office of Lord Protector, meanwhile, was designed to be a king in all but name.


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[Assistant] But, not the kind of king King Charles I had aimed to be.


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[Assistant] More like the kind of king that parliament had tried to make him.


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[Assistant] A sovereign whose power would only be wielded within a tightly constructed box.


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[Assistant] The Lord Protector for example was given a veto power, but it was far from absolute.


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[Assistant] Basically, the Lord Protector could refuse to sign a bill. But if, after 20 days of inaction, Parliament took a second vote, and the bill again passed, then that was it. It was a law.


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[Assistant] And there was no two-thirds requirement, just another majority vote.


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[Assistant] On the other side of the equation, the Lord Protector was the head of the Executive Council. But if Parliament wasn't in session, and for example a question of military deployment came up, the Lord Protector was bound by the majority vote of his council, even if he disagreed with it.


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[Assistant] Now the office wasn't just some empty figurehead, and it drew enormous influence by being able to serve both a legislative and executive function.


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[Assistant] But the Lord Protector is not an absolute dictator.


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[Assistant] The office does, however, lend its name to this particular period in British political history. We call it the protectorate.


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[Assistant] The first protectorate parliament was to convene on September 3, 1654, the auspicious anniversary of Cromwell's triumphs at Dunbar and Worcester.


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[Assistant] In the meantime, he would rule with his selected council temporarily, but then allow the new parliament to ratify their decisions to give it all a nice veneer of legitimacy.


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[Assistant] So that takes care of England. But what about the other two thirds of the Lord Protector's domains, Scotland and Ireland?


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[Assistant] We left Ireland when Cromwell sailed away back in April 1650, and then left Scotland when Cromwell chased after Charles II in August 1651.


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[Assistant] So where do these two now conquered lands stand in the protectorate?


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[Assistant] To take Scotland first, after the defeat of Charles II at Worcester, the Rump had intended to simply annex the country. But like most everything else, they never got around to it.


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[Assistant] Some steps had been taken to align the country with England in preparation, though. The old feudal hierarchies were abandoned and replaced by a system where the Scots essentially governed themselves locally but were answerable to English commissioners and judges.


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[Assistant] This was not so bad considering the alternatives, and the only really controversial bit was that the English imposed religious toleration.


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[Assistant] The hardcore Scottish Presbyterians were of course righteously ticked off, but most everyone else decided they could live with it.


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[Assistant] Especially if it meant ending the military occupation faster.


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[Assistant] Scottish commissioners were then invited down to haggle over the coming political union, but the expulsion of the rump put everything on hold.


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[Assistant] Bare Bones' Parliament picked up the baton where the rump had dropped it, along with every other baton the rump dropped,


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[Assistant] But their negotiations with the Scots hit a snag when a royalist insurgency suddenly broke out in Scotland.


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[Assistant] See, after he landed in France, Charles II had appointed the Earl of Glencairn to pick up the royalist standard in the north and try to carry on the fight.


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[Assistant] As with the Marquis of Montrose's various adventures, Glencairn found support mostly in the Highlands, but by September 1653, he started making headway in the Lowlands too.


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[Assistant] The commander of English forces in Scotland was Robert Lilburn, brother of Freeborn John, and in an attempt to nip the uprising in the butt, he probably came down too hard on the Scots and wound up inadvertently provoking further unrest.


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[Assistant] By January 1654, as Cromwell was settling into his new role as Lord Protector, there were perhaps five to ten thousand Scots under arms.


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[Assistant] But, long entrenched rivalries between high-Lyn clans and low-Lyn clans made it difficult to unify the movement.


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[Assistant] Plus, the Earl of Argyle had decided he was done supporting the monarchy, and stuck with the protectorate regime. In April, General George Monk took over from Lilburn


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[Assistant] And by the end of summer, the insurgency was pretty well broken.


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[Assistant] While Monk was putting down Glencairn's uprising, Cromwell and his council passed the Ordinance of Union, which abolished the independent Scottish Parliament. The Scots were now to be represented in a unified British Parliament under the terms of the Instrument of Government.


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[Assistant] To make this medicine go down easier, the Ordinance of Union also opened up free trade between England and Scotland, and then the Act of Pardon essentially exonerated every Scotsman who had ever taken up arms against England, except for a short list of specifically named men.


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[Assistant] So now that General Monk is up in Scotland from whence he will help restore the monarchy in 1660, I think it's high time we finally took a tangent and grappled with the career of General George Monk.


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[Assistant] He was born the second son of a bankrupt landowner, which pretty well meant that he had two available career paths, the military or the clergy.


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[Assistant] Monk chose the military, and as a 16-year-old volunteer, he served in the ill-fated Cadiz Expedition of 1625, the one organized by Buckingham that we talked about way back in episode 1.


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[Assistant] Two years later, he was back home and stabbed a sheriff to death who was coming after his father for debt delinquency. So, Monk skipped town and joined the ill-fated La Rochelle expedition. The one that we also talked about back in episode 1 that got people really super mad at Buckingham.


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[Assistant] From there, he volunteered for service with the Dutch and wound up serving as lieutenant under Sir George Goring.


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[Assistant] He stayed in the Netherlands for nine years until he got into an argument with his Dutch masters and resigned.


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[Assistant] He returned to England just in time to join the Bishop's Wars, and as you will recall from episode 3, he served as a colonel at Newburn. He managed to withdraw the artillery in good order.


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[Assistant] One of the only not totally embarrassing things that happened at the Battle of Newburn.


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[Assistant] A few years later, in February 1642, he was one of the few soldiers actually shipped over to deal with the Irish rebellion, before preparations for the first civil war kept everyone else at home.


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[Assistant] He fought the Irish rebels until the cessation was signed in September 1643, that was in episode 6, and was preparing to ship off to fight against parliament, but he pointedly refused to sign a loyalty oath to the king.


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[Assistant] So instead, he was shipped off to Oxford to personally explain himself to Charles. Which apparently he did, because the next thing we know he's being sent off to help lead the troops coming over from Ireland. But of course those forces were whipped by rising star Sir Thomas Fairfax, that was also episode 6, and Monk was captured.


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[Assistant] He was released in early 1646 after swearing to faithfully serve parliament, and was sent back to Ireland, where he became the commander in chief of the forces in Ulster.


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[Assistant] After fighting off and on for the next few years, he suddenly found himself isolated by the execution of Charles, which galvanized the enemies of parliament in Ireland.


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[Assistant] He was forced to negotiate an unpopular truce with the Irish Catholics, and then a few months later was forced to abandon his position altogether and sail back to England, after most of his men deserted to the royal banner. This would have been right around episode 10.


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[Assistant] He was reprimanded by Parliament, but Cromwell was not one to lose a talented officer, and Monk was given command of a regiment, and then a brigade, during the invasion of Scotland.


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[Assistant] He was invited into Cromwell's Council of War, led an infantry brigade at the Battle of Dunbar, and was then left in charge of mop-up operations in Scotland after Cromwell and everyone else chased Charles II into England. That was episode 11.


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[Assistant] He finished off the conquest, including putting Dundee to a pretty brutal sack, but then resigned his commission when his health gave out. So, that's the career of General Monk up to this point, right?


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[Assistant] Oh wait, no. After he resigned his health, he wound up getting named one of the three generals at sea for the Anglo-Dutch War, along with Robert Blake and Richard Dean.


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[Assistant] Because even though he had no naval experience, he was a master of artillery.


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[Assistant] After Dean was killed and Blake was injured, Monk wound up in charge of the whole naval war, and was the mastermind behind the final victories in the summer of 1653. So that is the career of Monk up to this point.


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[Assistant] He will spend the next five years as the military governor of Scotland, and, as I've hinted, will play a major role in the final breakdown of the restored rump—yes, the rump is going to be restored—and the restoration of the monarchy. But we'll get to that later. Okay, end of tangent.


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[Assistant] So in Scotland, the major themes of the political settlement were reconciliation and tolerance.


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[Assistant] The themes of the Irish settlement, on the other hand, were not that at all.


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[Assistant] Rather than limiting blame to a few select rebel leaders, the English seem perfectly willing to blame the Irish collectively.


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[Assistant] Before it was dissolved, the RUMP had passed a bill that if interpreted literally,


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[Assistant] Would have meant the deaths of upwards of 80,000 Irishmen for having participated in the various revolts of the last decade. But the law was never interpreted literally, nor was it possibly even meant to be.


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[Assistant] Mostly, it was meant to create a legal rationale for voiding land titles.


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[Assistant] Because what the English really needed was not Irish heads, but Irish land.


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[Assistant] Over the course of the civil wars, parliament had raised money by selling off huge, and entirely theoretical, tracts of land to investors.


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[Assistant] The deal was, you give us cash now, and when the rebellion in Ireland is put down, you'll be compensated with X amount of land. Now that bill was coming due.


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[Assistant] The other bill coming due was presented by all the English soldiers who had served in Ireland, in part because they had been promised land when they were discharged.


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[Assistant] So, there were a lot of IOUs floating around out there when Cromwell inherited the problem in 1653.


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[Assistant] The two big questions facing Cromwell and his council were first, is the confiscated land going to be spread all over Ireland, or concentrated in one specific area?


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[Assistant] And second, what do we do with the Irish currently living on the land?


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[Assistant] Were they going to be rounded up and moved, or would they be allowed to stay?


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[Assistant] In September 1653 Cromwell gave his assent to a bill that answered these questions. The seized land is going to be concentrated in one spot.


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[Assistant] Specifically, ten contiguous counties around Ulster, that hotbed of rebellion, which was now on its way to becoming the Northern Ireland we know and love today.


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[Assistant] To facilitate the transfer, dispossessed Irish landlords were going to be removed en masse to the county of Connaught.


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[Assistant] The question of what to do with the Irish commoners took a little more time, but in 1655 it was decided they could either follow their lords to Caunt, or if they wanted to stay behind, that was cool too.


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[Assistant] Goes without saying, of course, that when conquered Ireland was folded into the instrument of government, the only men who enjoyed suffrage came from this new English landlord class.


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[Assistant] Ireland would be represented in the protectorate parliament, just not by, you know, Irishmen.


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[Assistant] While everyone waited for that first parliament to meet, Cromwell and his council tried to get the ball re-rolling on some of the stalled domestic reform measures, including laying out a new established church, discharging rotten ministers, and strengthening national finances by consolidating all revenue into a single treasury.


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[Assistant] But the big issues during the parliamentary interregnum were in foreign policy.


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[Assistant] Specifically, concluding a treaty to end the war with the Dutch.


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[Assistant] But more broadly, Cromwell had developed a vision for a tight union of Protestant nations, and he wanted to use the treaty negotiations with the Dutch as a springboard for that larger goal.


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[Assistant] In April 1654, the nice and vaguely worded Treaty of Westminster was signed by the English and Dutch.


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[Assistant] It contained none of the punitive measures that previous English negotiators had demanded.


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[Assistant] It did however contain an agreement that neither country would harbor the enemies of the other.


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[Assistant] This was far more important to the English than it was to the Dutch, because exiled royalists had settled in Holland in great numbers.


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[Assistant] Indeed, their presence and budding alliance with the House of Orange had been one of the sub-causes of the recent war.


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[Assistant] Cromwell also got a clause inserted that disbarred the three-year-old Prince of Orange from holding the office of Stat Holder, or Captain General, which was designed to keep the royalist House of Orange from wielding official power in the United Provinces.


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[Assistant] Now that is interesting to us, of course, because in about 35 years, the three-year-old Prince of Orange will be all grown up and accepting an invitation from the English Parliament to come over, lead the Glorious Revolution, and become King William III.


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[Assistant] After the treaty was signed, Cromwell was able to orchestrate commercial treaties with Sweden and Denmark, but that was about as far as his dream of a Protestant Union got.


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[Assistant] As it turned out, everyone was pretty nervous about the long-term ambitions of this newly militarized English protectorate,


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[Assistant] Especially since it was in the process of annexing Scotland and Ireland. Nobody wanted to be next on the list.


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[Assistant] On September 3rd, 1654, the first protectorate parliament finally convened.


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[Assistant] Cromwell was hoping that after his experience with the rump and the nominated assembly, that the new parliament would get the country back on track.


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[Assistant] Unfortunately, as we are about to see, third time was not, in fact, the charm.


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[Assistant] The composition of the parliament was a mix of rookies and veterans, about half the new MPs were serving in government for the first time, but 125 had served at some point during the long parliament, 55 had served in bare bones' parliament, and another 18 were regicides.


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[Assistant] But as soon as he took his leave, a clique of veteran MPs led by Sir Arthur Hasselring got started on a project to completely undermine the instrument of government.


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[Assistant] Hazzard, you see, was a parliamentary absolutist. He did not believe that any power should, or even could, limit the authority of parliament.


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[Assistant] He wasted no time corralling all the rookies and explaining to them just how powerful they really were and how illegitimate the Lord Protector and the Executive Council were.


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[Assistant] So straight away, the first protectorate parliament started doing whatever it felt like.


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[Assistant] Hasselrig led off with a bill to establish a national church that would suppress all dissenting sects, striking at the very heart of the independent consensus that had emerged after the civil wars.


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[Assistant] Then he opened up the floor for debate on the instrument of government itself.


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[Assistant] A parliament had of course been given the right to ratify any bills or appointments made by Cromwell and the council over the course of the last nine months.


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[Assistant] But it has a rig's instigation. Parliament took that to mean the instrument of government itself was subject to the same scrutiny.


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[Assistant] So, they started editing it, clause by clause.


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[Assistant] The executive council would not serve in perpetuity. But, be renewed with each parliament, the executive council would not have a share in any military authority.


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[Assistant] Basically, they started crossing out anything that made the executive council a co-equal of parliament.


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[Assistant] Just nine days after he had implored them to act in the name of political healing, Cromwell had to come down to Westminster and lay down the law.


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[Assistant] He told them that, yes, it is your right to argue about practically anything you feel like arguing about.


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[Assistant] But, there are going to be a few things that are officially beyond your jurisdiction. First,


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[Assistant] Power is going to be split between the Lord Protector, his Executive Council, and Parliament.


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[Assistant] Joint military control is also going to be a thing, so get over that too.


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[Assistant] Cromwell then presented them with a declaration summing up these principles that everyone had to sign.


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[Assistant] Hasselrig, of course, refused to put his name on it, and was forced to withdraw from parliament, which for Cromwell was just as good as getting him to sign the declaration at all.


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[Assistant] Two weeks later though, one of the constitutional issues that was still open for debate, how a new Lord Protector was going to be chosen, was suddenly thrust to the forefront.


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[Assistant] While riding home one day, Cromwell decided, just for kicks, to take the reins of his carriage. But one of the horses went a little crazy, and the whole carriage pitched over and crashed. Now the crash itself was not the problem.


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[Assistant] The problem was that Cromwell had a loaded pistol in his pocket at the time, and the impact set it off.


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[Assistant] The Lord Protector miraculously emerged in one piece, but the near miss reminded Parliament that the question of succession


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[Assistant] At this point, could only be answered by the council, and that really wouldn't do.


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[Assistant] By January 1655, it was becoming clear to Cromwell that Parliament was not in fact interested in honoring the power-sharing framework of the instrument of government, so much as undermining it completely by gathering up all power for themselves.


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[Assistant] Confirming Cromwell's suspicions, Parliament put together a series of amendments to the instrument, that among other things gave Parliament, not the Lord Protector, the final say in who would serve on the Council, gave Parliament, not the Council, the right to select the new Lord Protector,


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[Assistant] And that signed declaration or no signed declaration, they weren't going to share military authority with anyone.


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[Assistant] Then they made the fateful decision to present Cromwell with the amendments as one package bill.


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[Assistant] He could accept it, or veto it, but he couldn't say yes to some parts while rejecting others. It was all or nothing.


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[Assistant] According to the instrument of government, which he was defending so vocally, a parliament must sit for at least five months before it could be disbanded.


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[Assistant] Believing that any delay in dissolving him would only invite further mischief, Cromwell came up with a brilliant and transparently devious idea. The instrument said five months, right? But it didn't say what kind of months.


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[Assistant] Okay, well, how many kinds of months are there?


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[Assistant] Cromwell strode into the chamber, spent two hours denouncing the whole lot of them, and then declared the first protectorate parliament dissolved.


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[Assistant] It didn't take men with guns to clear out the MPs this time, though it did lead to the direct rule of men with guns.


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[Assistant] Next week, Cromwell will take yet another crack at trying to devise a system of government for Britain.


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[Assistant] Though the instrument of government would remain in force, the second protectorate parliament would not be called until September 1656.


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[Assistant] In the meantime, power would be wielded directly by a group of major generals, operating through an administrative framework invented by Cromwell out of whole cloth.


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[Assistant] But trying to simply govern the country would not be the Lord Protector's only problem, as yet another royalist uprising will plague him at home, while the collapse of the so-called Western design abroad will utterly demoralize him, and force Cromwell to question whether God had finally abandoned him.


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[Assistant] The word revolution is one of those words you think you know the definition of until you actually start trying to define it. Then it turns out to be a very slippery fish.


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[Assistant] Because first of all, the word revolution, coined by Copernicus in 1543,


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[Assistant] Is supposed to mean completing an orbit, coming full circle.


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[Assistant] But the kind of revolution we're talking about is the opposite of that. It's a sudden, radical change. Overthrowing the old regime and replacing it with a new one. It's not about coming full circle. It's about boldly setting out on a new path.


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[Assistant] So right away, the word doesn't even mean what it's supposed to mean. And it only gets muddier from there.


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[Assistant] Because even overlooking the utter absurdity of using the word revolution to describe a fundamental change in political organization,


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[Assistant] We still have a hard time expressing precisely what we mean by revolution. We know it involves overthrowing the existing regime, but we also know that it's more than a mere coup.


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[Assistant] We know it involves a conflict between two competing forces within a country, but we also know that it's more than a mere civil war. We know it involves mass mobilization.


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[Assistant] But we also know that it's more than some half-baked peasant revolt. It's more organized, more directed, more thoughtful. Isn't it?


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[Assistant] As it turns out, distinguishing coups from civil wars, from revolts, from revolutions is a very sticky proposition.


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[Assistant] Indeed, for each of the revolutions we are going to cover in this series, there is a contingent of revisionist historians ready to argue that no revolution in fact took place.


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[Assistant] That it was just a rebellion masquerading as a revolution.


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[Assistant] Because look, the revolutionary effects were neither as wide nor as deep as one supposed, or only a narrow band of socioeconomic elites actually participated.


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[Assistant] Or no one at the time actually thought that they were engaged in a revolution.


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[Assistant] But the problem is that when we add up all those particular reinterpretations, we're left with a very unsatisfying notion that in all of human history no revolution has in fact ever taken place. And that just seems not right.


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[Assistant] With that in mind, this series is based on a broad definition of what counts as a revolution.


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[Assistant] The encyclopedia of political revolutions, dealing with this same problem, casts a wide net by including events that share two characteristics.


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[Assistant] One, irregular procedures aimed at forcing political change within a society.


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[Assistant] Because it's not enough to just have a cabal of elites force their way into power. That's a coup.


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[Assistant] And it's not enough to have an amorphous blob of angry peasants marching around with clubs and axes. That's a revolt. Or maybe an insurrection.


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[Assistant] And some significant portion of the population subject to the state's jurisdiction acquiesces in the claims of each block.


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[Assistant] Which is jumbled because, well, he's a sociologist.


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[Assistant] But basically, we need some cross-class alliance of dissidents to overthrow an existing regime by extra-legal means and then alter the political system in some fundamental way.


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[Assistant] Where it starts to get messy is when further wrinkles are added.


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[Assistant] Theda Scotchball, for example, creates a superclass called social revolutions that require changes to the political structure to be accompanied and reinforced by deep changes in the social structure.


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[Assistant] Now this is perfectly reasonable, but it leaves us grappling with difficult and ultimately subjective questions like how much change, and for how many people, and for how long, and how do we even measure it.


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[Assistant] These are the kinds of questions that academics will be arguing about forever as new evidence is uncovered and old evidence is re-examined and which I plan to neatly sidestep.


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[Assistant] Don't get me wrong, we'll get into it, but I have no intention of adhering to some strict analytic criteria and then casually tossing away events like the Mexican Revolution because not enough hectares of land were ultimately redistributed to make it a really real revolution.


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[Assistant] So for me, if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, it's probably a revolution.


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[Assistant] If there was ever a historical period that highlights this problem of what do we call it? It is the period we are going to begin the series with. Britain in the 1640s and 1650s. Something happened. Everyone agrees on that. But was it a revolution?


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[Assistant] And if it was, was it a religiously driven Puritan revolution or an economically driven bourgeois revolution?


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[Assistant] Or was it neither and instead just a civil war that has been anachronistically labeled revolution?