[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, no, I'm sure he's, can be a nice guy, but he's a psych, he's just total racist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's a long title, right? All I want for Christmas is you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] At least I have one IQ point. I have one operating brain cell.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay. Why is it, I don't know if you heard me the first time, but I finished my sandwich and you still have half of years left. Why is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I like that. That's a good part. Just don't eat the crust. Why are you hating on the end?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But yeah, I just think it's funny that you're like, I won't eat the ends of the sandwich, cause it makes me skinny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I am fat. I openly admit that. And I finish my fucking sandwiches.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Keepin' track of Tiger Woods' affairs? I mean, I mean, 52, right? That's how many you get in Afterlife.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It would be awesome to like go on a date and make him wear gloves, like black gloves.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, I was watching, actually on Netflix there's a really good series called the Night Stalker.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this guy had all these girls worshipping. This guy, first of all, he was like a, like a murderer and a rapist, okay? But he also, and you may need to bleep this, but he, boy. So he killed the dad, raped the mom, and


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why did they mention that in the documentary if he was killing people at a hotel? I dunno. Maybe, why?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Have you ever been tried to be drowned by ghosts when you were sober?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I feel like your career, you're elevated beyond just being a mistress to somebody. You know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What would you say just like about sex with him and the size of his wiener and stuff?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But that's not true because you've slept with famous people and you won't say who they are. So you have that opportunity already.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's not shame, you're like, listen it was great, I just wanna make a bop off telling this private story.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does that mean? Of course you know it. Spiderman. Yay! Correct. I love that song.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, didn't like in the opening week, like the main guy broke his back or something?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How much did it cost? Do you have the number? 75 million. Oh god. How much did you spend on all the Broadway shows? 75 million. It's just like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That doesn't seem like a mix to me. Bono- yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I- I literally think there's no resemblance in- in the slightest bit. It's like you- there's no resemblance. No resemblance. Zero.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't people in- wait, don't people in Ireland hate Bono because he's like a tax evader?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, to be fair, I mean, he doesn't wanna make songs about like, poop and stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, let's move on. So, Dave Matthews, yea. He's not Bono.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think I know it. I think I actually do know this. Why would you know this?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because I love Seinfeld, I'm obsessed with Seinfeld, and I finally verified that I actually know something I care about.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] 1989! Did you write that for me? Somebody wrote that, and thank you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Kramer had a moment, he's not even, he's just an actor, are you gonna just... He's apologized.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Scooby-Doo looking at- he doesn't look like anything. He's just like some cartoon, bro. Scoop-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just taking a guess here. Okay, ready? Yep.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not looking at your answers, stop. Can I just say, why do I need two? I know whose nipple it was.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's the name of the ramen hair guy? Oh, I remember.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you got a Broadway one wrong. You're giving me a chance here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What kind of pop, uh, artists? Ah, are we talking about ints? Were you thinking about answering that question maybe?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Girl, you are doing too much. Mmm. I wrote- are you ready?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh yeaah, I forgot. There was this Nigerian dude, a 90 day fiance, who was like a wannabe musical artist.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We can watch- maybe at the end we'll watch it together. Do a little previewing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it was just some fucking, some dumbass. What are you asking, some red table trivia? I mean, this is- Does she even count as pop culture? I mean, come on, they're on Facebook.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, the answer is- Wait, isn't that the- Isn't that the- Yeah, that's the guy who had all your people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who is, uh, Ringo Starr's second cousin's fiance on Facebook?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was like, oh well I can say it. You know what? I feel like I should get a point because I know how it's pronounced. I don't know how to spell it but I know how it's pronounced.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, since when do I have to spell shit right? I always spell everything wrong, but I know how to say it. It was ash. That is how you pronounce it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I kinda flipped on him, I used to be a huge stan and now I don't like him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Black eyed peas. Black eyed peas. Yeah. Correct. How many questions we have left?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Isn't that the- Oh, I know the answer. It's uh, the eagles. Despacito.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, mmm. And you act like you're 16 when you go, mmm, after every word.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't comment on the fact that you have like a pseudo mask on. What is that?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know who. Donatello. Donatello? Ninja Turtle? Leonardo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, it looks cool. Despacito is by, uhm... Honestly dude, I don't fucking know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Who wrote it? I know it's not Justin Bieber. It's some Latin band, right? It's Spanish.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, he's Pakistani? Maybe he's not Pakistani then.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready? Jessica Simpson. Okay, come on.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, chill. There's no bonus points, remember?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I felt bad for him, cause I always felt like he got kinda played dirty. It's like, what do you expect people to do in an adult film? Everyone's jerking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Juicing. I'm sorry, you do not get the defined doping, Patricia.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, the thing is, everybody was doing steroids during that time, so he's still, you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] They, it wasn't like muscles, it was like they would take, they would take this medicine that like gave you more red blood cells so you had like more endurance because you have more energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Some weird crazy enhance- it's more of an enhancement, uh, performance enhancement.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I check myself, like, every day in the shower. One time, I, I felt that, well, what do you- Every day! You go like once a week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's gonna change that much. Anyway, I once felt a lump and I was like, I'm fucking have, I definitely have cancer, but it was a vein.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It was just a vein and I just like, and then it smoothed out and I was like, I'll thank God. So, bonus point for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Do you? What? Once upon a time in Hollywood. The remnant.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I was thinking of that movie, but I couldn't remember the name, so I kinda threw up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, he's, he has a huge initiative for Global Pro. He is, you have an opposite.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's disgusting, I don't like that behavior. It's like bro, you can't play with people's lives for your fucking vlog.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Other remnant. Okay, well, let's just finish it and see how bad it gets.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, is this the last one? This is the last one. If I get, if I get this right, we have to do...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Listen, I didn't, I didn't put it together. I was surprised. Someone fucked up. Someone dropped the ball.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Infamous haircut. Inspired by friends.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dude, you're engaged, what are you talking about? You're engaged, you just bought a house with your fiancé. What the shit, how dare you?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] First of all, for all the shit talking you were doing, the fact that I narrowed it down to even one point is kind of a W for me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you. Thank you so much. So I'll do math and science next time?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What do we call this one? Are you smarter than a soccer mom? I don't know. What's the trivia, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is Ethan smarter than Trisha? I don't know. We'll figure it out. We'll do some s- or I could just call it like Shane has literally can't- Shane just ru- or I saw one video go, Shane just ruined his comeback. I like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Before that, Teddy Fresh, Thursday, Care Bears release is coming out. We'll look, we'll look at it, uhm, together.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sadboy2005, Trisha Paytas reveals her brand new music video wrong side of Mulholland Drive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You are very prolific, like, you do so much, I'm just, I'm very impressed.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like you're doing music, you're doing videos, you're doing, you know, you're doing OnlyFans, you're making YouTube videos, like you're, you do a lot. It's impressive.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but still like sometimes when I'm unhappy or I feel like I'm looking for, sometimes I just, I don't have the...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't still go out there and do it, so it's impressive that you do it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She's, I don't know if she can get the title as prolific cause literally all she does is this. Her time off. When she's not making music.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Suck my dick. My girls are famous. I'm a clout demon. I'm a clout goblin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean the kids, why do the kids allow this? They'll be like, mom, get the fuck out of my TikTok.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Clout? What kind of kid thinks having your parents in your videos clout? That's like the anti-clout. It's like the clout hole. It's a black hole that sucks clout out of you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I came across something that I need to- So you hate Jack's film.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, you know, we dug into the history a little bit, you got it Dan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] JacksFilm says, when I get back in LA, I wanna do way more collabs. Sound good? And you said, yep, I'll be over. Kay, thanks, bye. You were begging!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. He says, who wants to be in my next music video? Wanna shoot this weekend or sooner? You said me, please.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Again. Back in LA, let's make questionable choices together. You said yes, now you can make a, uh, YGS. What's YGS?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bro, you're stanning, you're mad that he didn't acknowledge you. That's fuck-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So what the f- So I think it's just time to come clean that he just rejected you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you repeatedly said, every guy wants to fuck me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But, but you were coming onto him like very hard. We saw it. You were begging him like pathetic shit.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wasn't Stan like, kind of like psycho, murderer, go over your double gate obsessed?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Don't, don't say that. You literally just said, people are breaking into my house, I'm scared.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So why would he, why would he go to your house and not my house if he's such a stan?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, Trisha last episode goes, I'll give out money to anybody, just hit me up. And now she's saying, hit me up for a th- You gotta chill, dude.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You gotta talk, you gotta, you gotta chill.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I gave away $100,000 on Twitter, and there was almost no but- there was a few people gave me genuine thanks, but a lot of people were like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I wasn't doing podcasts or anything at the time, so Twitter's kinda the only thing I had.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, because it comes out this Thursday at 5am, and I wanna, I like to look at the photos like we did last time, it was fun.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get some squirt videos out there. That's good, right? That probably nets you the most money.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but people know where to find it. But you probably make the most money when we promote your OnlyFans, right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we talked to a fetish girl on After Dark who says she did this thing called fruit looping. Do you know what that is? No. Those were commission videos. Oh, it wasn't a-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cultural, uh, trivia. Next time we do cultural trivia, what is fruit looping? It's an important question. Now everybody at home knows.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prolapsing the anus and eating fruit loops. I guess just gaping, just gaping, gaping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And she told me they had to put a sponge in to hold the milk because the ass is just too absorbent.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, I hope you guys enjoyed. Trisha wins this time. Very well played. Good job.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, but I don't think this is interesting. It's not 2012 YouTube, you know what I mean? Like, beauty's not poppin' like it used to be, but...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, the treat box, it's a triple treat box, it's stacked like this, it's pizza, it's pasta, and it's desserts on the bottom.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are we the two biggest in the room? Do we weigh the most? Are we the two heaviest in the room right now?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Dan, how much do you weigh? I don't- cause you're tall. I don't think you're fat, you're just tall.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You got the titties. What's it called? What's that word called?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The texture of it looks weird to me. It looks like, like green and, I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, mm, yeaah, no. I try it, but I like cheese.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It takes me, it takes me like two, one minute. I have the app, seriously.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cheese and black olives or plain cheese on one pizza and black olives on the second.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Are you serious? Okay, so cheese pizza, I'm sorry, cheese on just one.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And then the second pizza, jalapenos, black olives, and pineapple.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, and then for the second triple treat box, can we get one cheese pizza?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it's like an investment, because he's investing now into our relationship, like making me happy, and then long-term, like I could- You gotta get her fa-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm talking about my chemical romance makeup for like a week and I was like, how did you not hear me? Anyways, it's fine. It's not a big deal. I love you and I'm so sorry that you're picking up the pizza. I will literally give you like anything you want. I'm sorry. Thank you. I feel bad. Like I don't like when he like does stuff for me because he does too much for me and now I feel like he's doing this and I feel like it's just too much but I have to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess you can. I think they just loot. Yeah, you can. You can shower with them. I don't. Okay, fine. Wow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I can't make fun of someone who actually has something wrong with them, like I can't be like, oh, you know, you know what I mean? I don't know, whatever.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won this challenge on the TMJC show. I was in the ice bath the longest so I can win. You wanna do it? You wanna go the longest?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, you're supposed to wash your face with cold water because it does that. We should sit in an ice bath and see who lasts longest. No.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's her classic, her most popular video is the story time he fucked you with a toothbrush.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, well, hopefully you think you'll win this shit stream?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, wait, what to do, like, something about what to do, like what's the big benefit?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The Dove soap. They say if you have really bad acne, this is how my acne got out of control. I had kind of bad acne, but then it became severe after I tried this beauty hack. They say all you need is a Dove soap. It's a big trend on Trick Talk, like just Dove soap, that's it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think Dove was promoting it as like, oh shit, as like, uhm, like an acne cure-all. And then uhm, it made it worse, and so when I went to a dermatologist, because my skin was, it's still crazy right now, they were like, oh it has so much wax on it, that it's like the worst thing to put on your skin.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, I don't know about that. I don't know. I use so much now. I went to like a witch doctor the other day and I have like all these potions I've been using and it really did clear up my skin. Like, I mean, my skin's a little bumpy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She zapped my pimples and they all just like disappeared and I was like, and she like zapped it with smoke.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Was it true that you're a fan of the show and that's how you got this job? Like, of not our show, H3.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sometimes it's the opposite, they pretend like they don't know who you are, but they're like a huge fan. Uhm, but AB's cool, you know? He's not like, exactly, and they're like dorky, think they'd watch H3, but like AB looks cool, like why would you watch H3?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, you were like adamant against his opponent. Was it Keemstar? Was it that situation or something else?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You said that on the sevo podcast, you said you consider us friends, and I always say we're not friends. Cause like, people are like, are you friends? I'm like, no, cause we don't, like, I couldn't call you in time.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but we are because you make me money and like, you know what I mean, you're kinda like, it's like, boss kind of.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you like control the money. You're like, you're going to get 45% and none of the highlights and I'm going to pay you when I want. And like, this is what we're going to do. So you kind of tell me what to do, but at the same time, I like it because I control everything else in my life. So I kind of like just showing up and like, you already have this plan, but I'm not complaining.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can you next episode like not wear teddy fresh? Like one episode? Sure. Okay. It's like so a lot. Okay.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Ready? What's this do? What's this numeric do? Are you okay?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, just eat it, it's fine. It doesn't taste that bad. Don't be a simp. Did I use it right?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh. Okay, it's not bad. Honestly, just swallow it, it's actually not that bad.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not bad. That's why we get the pizza after, it's like a reward.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's get some Botox, like be me for a day, get some Botox, get some lip injections, get some glam, go buy a $20,000 bag or something, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Botox would be, you know what, botox is less invasive than lips, because that really does throw away your six weeks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Why? Cause people think like I hate her or she doesn't like me or something. Like I feel like we need to have like, because like you know what I mean? Like I like Hila so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll talk about it in mine, I don't care because that's so bullshit. I'm gonna stop talking about my personal life altogether then too.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm gonna turn the H3 Podcast on boring and I'll just go down the tube to no one will care because you guys are not honest and open about shit. So, you cut everything out that's personal. I'm telling you, whatever. Oh, you can't even like mention her.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but like in general, like I'm just telling you now, like she needs to text me and just be like, hey, I don't hate you, you know, but it's like, she's telling Moses like, oh, she says good and that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What are you telling Trisha? Like why is she saying this stuff on the podcast? Like all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Whatever, it's so fake and that's why H3 is not what it was because you guys are fake as fuck and cut things out.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I won't talk about Moses, I won't talk about me, like, it's just, whatever, who cares.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just so bullshit, you guys are such bullshit, you guys are so fake and it's like, like actually annoying. Why is it fake that Hila doesn't want- Cause you're like, don't get in the middle of it, but then it's also, I see that it's about me and that my name's brought up and it's like, okay if my name's being brought up-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I just hate people who think they're just too fucking good for shit. It's not she's too good. She has a fucking podcast. When you have a podcast, you're talked about. Your life's talked about. You guys talked about Moses and Moses. Well before we did this podcast, you guys talked about us. Never once asked me anything.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She has a fucking podcast, she's a public figure, you guys talk shit about us, like I'm so fucking over it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But it is, you guys, oh, you guys had free brain to talk about, especially me, you guys didn't even contact me, you guys were talking to Moses, but not me, and talked about me all spring, my relationship with Moses, all this stuff.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's between Moses and Hila. Okay, cool. Great.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] All this is gonna be cut, it's so pointless, I literally don't care, cut it, don't give a shit, don't give a shit about you guys, like I literally don't care. Man, Moses doesn't like you, and you guys don't like him, and that's cool.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't wanna like come back here for real, like to that house, cause I don't feel comfortable. It's her house, like I don't wanna be in here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's just move on. There's no attack. I just made a comment.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Daycare is, nannies are like people who come here and take care of your child all day.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You can take care of kids and work. I never had a nanny. My parents, I never had a nanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm not attacking your parental choices, you do whatever you want. I'm not attacking


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm just saying, I heard nanny upstairs and I was like, oh, I just, I wanna have a nanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think it's a problem. I would just, you know, if I was lucky enough to have a kid, I would just spend my time with the kid and figure it out where we could, you know, figure it out. Because my mom and dad did that. My mom was a single mom and we still never had a nanny.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know I don't have kids and nobody's saying that. You're saying do you have kids? Throwing it in my face that I don't, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you have a kid you should try and be with that as much as possible and not be with strangers.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know, being too good for me to talk about on this podcast, I don't even fucking mention her, and she's a fucking queen, like don't even fucking mention me on the podcast. Right, that's why. You know, I'm a literal podcaster.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Expect another text from your sister. I'm not coming back to the house, I'm not.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't think this whitens. Bro, I take tumeric supplements and it turns my piss like Gatorade yellow.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think they're gonna fail. Oh, no, you should, you should eat it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like he, he like basically she has to like m- like he either is gonna kill like her ghost in the attic that she likes or she has to marry him. Like that's the ultimatum so that he can like become like alive, like he can stay in the like real world again. But she's like 14 so everyone's like and he's like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Better than the, not better than the Beetlejuice movie but pretty equal is the Broadway show Beetlejuice. Like I saw that on Broadway. It was only on for like 5 months. I probably saw it 13 times on Broadway. And there's a song called Creepy Old Guy and she like talks about how like she's creepy but he like has to marry her and it's like this whole child


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, it's like just made for you. Did you know like Beetlejuice is the title of the film but he's actually only on screen for 17 minutes of the whole movie?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But cause I had an ensemble, you had Alec Baldwin, you had Moira from Schitt's Creek.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, I love it, yeah. Well, we have a lot of festivities this week.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Actually, I don't know. Does anyone know why it's called Tumblr? Maybe it's like the old like social media site.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know why it's called a Tumblr, but I love these. These are my favorite cups ever. I'm so excited.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Wait, have you seen that TikTok trend where people are saying like, uhm, what Tim Burton, uh, what like superheroes would look like if Tim Burton was like directed the movies of superheroes?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh man, yeaah, I was too old, I was too old, and uhm, also probably just not good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But my mom drove me 15 hours to, uh, North Carolina. I was in Asheville, North Carolina. I was the audition from Illinois and we drove 15 hours and we were like really broke and she really believed in me and sorry mom that I didn't get the role.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Beetle, Beetle Fruit, Fruit Bat, Fruit Battle, Volkswagen, Fruit Wagon.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And all you gotta do is say my name three times, three times in a row. Then that would have been better, but that wasn't right.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'll say it, I mean, that's spiteful, but, yeah, Euphoria, like, they reached out and they're like, Trisha Payne is checking for your availability on April 30th for a plus size influence, and I'm like, yes!


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's, oh, your sponsor, not frenemy sponsor. I don't care. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like, good-looking people that want you, because like, I'm always the ugliest in every photo. Like, I look like I'm like the fan in every photo. I'm just like this dumpy little thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So much where I'm like, oh my god, are we gonna be like two- we gotta change into besties, we're no longer friendlies, we're like besties cause we just see each other so much.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But again, those are like, literally those are like the young like kids or just like incels or just people who are not smart like that thing though. Nobody thinks that if you're like intelligent or you're like really young yourself if you're like a 17 year old who thinks like that's how you like get clout or I don't know what.


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[Assistant] I think it's like shown over time, like I've always been like really competitive and like just with anybody else, not just even Kim Star or anyone else. Like over time, you either show like, oh, this person was telling the truth or this person just has a habit of doing this. And for so long, I was a habit of like being a troll or whatever, so you have to like break it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what, yeaah, I've literally like been like the voices in my head for so long, they're worse than the voices on the internet, so like I can take it, you know what I mean? Like I've been hearing like shit talking in my head since I was like five years old, so I'm like, oh, this is like nothing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, and I've had that for like all my whole life, but like not as severe, but you know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, I don't. I wish I did. People would probably have believed me earlier on, but like, I don't have names. I don't have names.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's also just thoughts, like I think I told you too, it's just like thoughts where I just think like, I think of scenarios that aren't even true in my head. Like, like I was telling you last week, I was thinking like, oh, you're getting tweets or something about me. So that means you're going to end the show. Moses is going to leave me because then you guys aren't my front family anymore. Like you start thinking all these thoughts that just come out of like nowhere. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know, but I got to snap back into reality. I'm here.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's one. So it's like words of affirmation, gift giving, um, physical touch. What are the other ones?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it can be in general. I think it's a general thing. Like what, what do you feel loved and what do you do for others to show love? Like do you do like chores to show love? That's what's duties.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There's quality time, but there's one that's like, you're doing stuff for people.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] People just, they, they just, that's why they wait it out. They're like, you know what? People will forget about it, but it's like, not me.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Bullshit. There's bullshit. And Jason, doing the Jason Nash Show, he's a loser anyways. Honestly, I think that's his punishment, is just being a loser, washed up.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Is definitely, when the steam is next year, DEFINITELY that's the dumbest moment of anybody's career ever on YouTube.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah. Eww. I actually hate that now.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Prozac, Dun Dun, Lexapro, all of these- Hold that up, I wanna hear.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] For sure, talk about it, normalize it, all that stuff like that, but Anna Nicole, like, that was very glorified, so I started taking like prescription drugs, same thing with Prince, he took a lot of Xanax, and I was like, you know what, what a way to go. If Prince died, you know what I mean? So, I don't like when people like sing about this, this is my opinion.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's like, you know, you grew up in Orange County, he has like a life that people would probably think of like privileged or whatever.


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[Assistant] For people I think that deal with it, and I know you have like, you talk about anxiety, so I'm not saying you don't, but I'm saying like, people who deal with it like, so much like, sometimes just like, seeing people like, profit off it, or making it like, light, again, if it helps you, it's fine, but like, some people like, it can really trigger, and I think that's like a new thing.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like triggering, you know, cause it's not cool, it's not cute, depression sucks.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] But you can get through it and you can get help and you can have a normal life. Oh for sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Hmmmm. Yeah, I think maybe just, I don't know, I'm not really sure.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, yeaah. Liza, I, I met Liza, I hung out with her quite a few times. She's really nice and sweet and I think, uhm, yeaah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And it's like admitted, proven, like you can't defend those people anymore. You just can't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think he, a more term, maybe he's just dumb. I think that's better.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's so dumb. God, I was watching him on a podcast thinking, they think they changed the world with TikTok, like with the hype house. He thinks they, they think they, did you see like Addison Rae saying how much like talent and hard works it takes to be like in TikTok hype house? It's so embarrassing.


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[Assistant] I think it's great. I think it's great, like, just in general. I feel like young girls are not, like, for me, like, when I was, like, younger and stuff like that, like, people, I don't know, the way people talked and stuff, you thought one thing about it. I like that now we're not, like, you know, just women for their bodies and like that. I liked it as a kid. I was like, oh yeah, Howard Stern, like, you know, all these people, like, Doug Kuhfner.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Deceived. You deceived me, Dan, with the summary. The last question was, the movie where Adam Sandler gets scanned by a phone sex operator. I'm like, count me in, this sounds like a great movie I'm gonna like, wanna watch. And that was just like maybe like a little, like a sub story line. It wasn't like the plot of the movie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] There was like one phone texting at the beginning and he gets scammed like a few minutes here and there.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so cringy to me, and I respect people who do it for real, but to me, I'm like, it's so cringe when people are like, I've got a red banana, and you're supposed to say like, yes, you're like- I've never done that.


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[Assistant] I only know one mountain, so that's what I'm going with. Oh, I wrote it really little, I don't know why.


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[Assistant] No, you're a fan, you hate him. I've heard you go on a rant about him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He's Filipino and Hispanic, I believe. Oh, for real? Yeaah. Schneider? He's Jewish, he's Jewish too, so I think he's like, all of it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The best ones, the classics. Those are the worst. Those are the best. Those are the best.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Cause I take a little break and now I think about things.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm building up. I'm gonna come for the like big comeback.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Click was like really like depressing and like I don't know.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I spent all my money. I'm gonna get that broken for my birthday, the $198,000. Yeah. 200,000? Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think ostrich. Oh, maybe I shouldn't get it. How do they kill ostriches for persons? Maybe I shouldn't get it. Nah, I'm right, I shouldn't.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We get the Domino's sponsorship, where's that Domino's at? We're working on it. Yeah? I'll die.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] We've been doing volcanoes, mountains, trees. I don't know any trees actually.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I have a TikTok. Okay, I'm not, I'm, uh.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, I, yeah. I burned down my gym last week, uhm, but it's being repaired.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I see it. I see it at a light at the end of the tunnel.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I never liked the show, but I liked that they put uhm, like, a plus-size girl in there. The girl with the big boobs. I guess she's not really plus-size.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Full figured, I like that. More full figured.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's my boy. It's, it's one of those movies where he talks like slow, like Billy Madison, he's like...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He married like a model and she converted for him. She's like, stunner. I'm so jealous.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like a Beard Jew in Quentin Tarantino's and Gloria's Basterds, that'd be me. I dressed up as the Beard Jew one time. Look it up, Quentin Tarantino, Trish Badus, Beard Jew.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, he has none on his chest or back. It's weird. And he's middle eastern. No offense.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, yeah, Hebrew too, that too. That's, that's whatever, just move it.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I love, yeah, he does. It's so fun. He read a Passover book to me last night. You do dirty talking.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What's her name? We know her name. My dad calls me her name all the time. What is it? Ugh, I forget. Something weird. My dad will always call me this biblical name. What is it?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Sephora or something. My dad was like, oh, hello Sephora. I was like, what? Cause he's really biblical, so.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Neil Armstrong, I knew it. I did know that one. Fuck my life.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yes, of course, Kevin Hulam. He had them. They put a bra over them.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I did a TV show with, uh, Kevin Yellen. He was my mom's lawyer. I was suing my mom and Jamie Kennedy was my lawyer and Kevin Yellen was my mom's lawyer.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is so many turns, this episode. I forgot how we started and now you reminded me, it's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] You know what it is, is when you get your costume, your hair and makeup done, you already put so much of your time and energy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] His wife died, so he had to marry to get going back in the system.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Well, we won't know that, so we have to go to tiebreaker. Cause he said he was the villain last week. Happy Gilmore. Happy Gilmore.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] How dare you? You're so bad. How dare you? These are co- these are-


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[Assistant] Tricia, I've seen you eat some horrid shit, and you're gonna piss me off.


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[Assistant] We're all like, let me see if she really wants to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The thing about David Dobrik, obviously- Excuse me, let me just finish doing-


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[Assistant] Yeaah, and even on, I did a podcast last week, and they're like, who would you rather be with, like, Poppy Lee or Ethan? And I'm like, mmm, Ethan, cause he's my bestie.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Can I name my kid Mohammed or would that be cultural appropriation? You probably can. If it's popular.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And maybe some like Chinese name in there too, like something like Buddha.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love Ramadan, I wish I could support you in that honestly cause I just can't not eat for I need to eat.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Let's hope though. But I never did it. Yeah, I don't get offered for movie roles. Maybe we can be in like,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's basically the day of Tuesday for them though. Or unless you're a member, then it's Monday. Oh my god, I'm so confused.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's not flattering. Well, we should embody saying Billy Dull or look shame him.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] If they're like, a P word like James Charles. If they're like, evil.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, not thick. Especially if he does, allegedly if he's doing steroids or something to help him, like those always have the little-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] So, no, because you know, I said this before on the show and I'll say it again, if a guy has to go out of his way to say how unattractive you are, there's something like deep-rooted there, because if I was truly unattractive, like I don't know who was like unattractive, but like a really ugly troll or something, you wouldn't say that to someone who's disgusting, right, by whatever your standard is, whether that's a big fat person or whatever. So there's something like deep-rooted with people because it happens with,


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What was it recently that just, oh, like the Barstool people, it's always like deep-rooted something. Even like when you did the video of me, I'm like there's something deeper because like I'm not disgusting, I don't look like a corpse, you know what I mean?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] That's a good, that's a good one. That's like if I called someone fat, they'd be like, uhm, Trisha, you're not skinny, you know?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Because you know what my favorite line in School of Rock, and I love it, I'm gonna like turn it into, it's a quote in my like song, cause it's so good, the chubby girl goes to him uhm, or it's a child who's like obsessed with her weight, she's not even whatever, and she goes, she goes, oh, he goes, well I'm fat and I'm chubby, or I'm sexy and I'm chubby, and she goes, why don't you go on a diet? And he's like, because I like to eat, is that such a crime? And I'm like, yes! Like when people are like, why don't you go on a diet or get lipo?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeaah, right? It's like this like tingles and like ASMR, like the tapping.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Thank you for sponsoring and also adding the competition element to our show. It can't be a front of me without competing and we are having a competition with quip toothbrushes. I'm team pink and Ethan's team black and purchase these toothbrushes to help charity and help me win.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Like being sexualized for your boobs at a young age is because you're a girl, people don't want to touch you. So I was trying to figure out what I was asking and I really was trying to figure out is like, is it a sexual thing where you're like, oh, it's like a little too sexual, I don't want to do that. Or is it like strictly because you thought my body was gross or was it because I'm a girl? Like I was trying to figure it out. I wasn't questioning you.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And, and, I could take roided people all day long, allegedly, if he's on roads, I don't know. But like, I've, I've wrestled a roided boyfriend. Technically, he was an abusive boyfriend, but I beat the shit out of him too. He would just punch me and I'd punch him, so. But this was a defense thing, don't come from me, because now people are gonna think I'm a sexual assault, but he like, he hit my face. Anyways, is that too graphic? Maybe I shouldn't say all this.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I had the first two minutes of that lost footage on my TikTok. Did you see that? Moses was filming. So I had like the first two minutes.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The whole thing is horrendous, like, okay, like watching like the leaked footage, watching that and then like listening to him, like, the, it's, it's so traumatizing and like.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so gross, it's so gross, and I hate that they sell the platform, and like, really the only way is if people press charges, just like that Austin kid, like, you know, if someone presses charges, same thing with James Charles, the only way people go to prison is if people press charges. Some people don't want to do it, it's a hassle, they don't think it's worth it, they don't, whatever, they, but, that's the only way, cause a lot of people are like, why aren't these people in prison then if they're not, because some people just don't press charges.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When I saw, I just saw that again through like a different means, I didn't look at Josh's documentary, but when I saw that he was driving, that like, my stomach dropped, I texted you and my stomach like dropped because it was like this whole other level of like shit, like I felt bad, I kind of, not, not felt bad for David because like it was his dumb ass, but like it almost made me feel bad because now this is like someone's life that he ruined, like he like-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] When you do that to someone, you gave someone blindness, you gave someone like brain damage, like all the stuff Jeff has said, like, it's, I, I, I don't know how you even, and from what Jeff said on impulsive, not to bring that up because I know you said-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Yeah, I guess he said they, like somebody tried to film like a mukbang with him after, but he was like not about it. And so I guess he's just kinda...


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's so, like, my stomach, like, feels so sick over this because, and again, like, he's at fault for this, like, this is, if he would have, like, died, he would have been charged for manslaughter, you know, like, that's-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Maybe Jeff decided not to talk to him after that, I don't know. So I won't say David just didn't reach out to him, maybe Jeff decided not to.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And this isn't the first time. So like, there was a guy that Joe and I told you, he had a stunt where he was supposed to do like a motorbike over a pool and he missed it. And he, like, he had something with his head, he had like a head injury. This was like, I don't know, three years ago. And I said in a video not to be-


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is just crazy no one talked about it either. It's like that's, like everyone just stayed quiet about this. It's like, it's so crazy.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] From what Jeff told me is he's gonna put it out and it'll be demonetized by like YouTube but he's gonna, he has the footage and he wants to be the one to release it cause his mom hasn't seen it yet. Hey, it's his footage to release. Of course, yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Her mom did a TikTok, her mom's like in her 40s, which is fine, it's like not age-shaming, but like her mom did a TikTok being like, Jason just loved being famous and he was a pervert in his own adult way. It's like now people are just coming forward just to say Jason's a pervert, which he is, but it's like if he's an adult and you're adult people, it's fine, but it's more like we should focus on him being like creepy and hanging out with like young teenage kids and stuff like that. Anyways.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] He didn't. That's where he has so many inconsistencies. One, if he did, cause at early, this is going to make me sound like a crazy ex-girlfriend, but I was on his phone all the time. I went through all his text messages and his, like all the time. He literally just handed me his phone. Like he literally had his passcode, I had everything. And we were with him every day. Never cheated on me. I can guarantee he never cheated on me. Everything else, he's like a creep afterwards. Yeah, he's disgusting and he's like manipulative and all that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's like a lot. And then it distracts from like the serious stuff, like the Seth stuff. So now people are just like, oh, Jason fucked a 22 year old. It's like, oh, okay. Like that's, it is gross and disgusting. You're like an angry butt.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I think it was just like I had a lot of trauma from like previous boyfriends but I like Jason was the first boyfriend that didn't cheat on me and like again I know even on tour people would like video him and he'd be like I don't I can't like give you a hug like Trisha will be like a mad you know I think maybe that's maybe what she would say because he would say he goes I don't want to like hug you


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't want to put you in that bubble if you do believe in God. You believe in something? Higher being?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love immigrants. Hamilton, immigrants, we get the job done.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Israeli guys are a lot more respectful. I talked to Jenna Jameson, do you know who that is?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but they both, we both did porn, Jenna Jamison, and now she has an, so maybe Israeli people are open to dating porn stars. If you're a porn star.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, well, well I get, but I won't get stoned if I go to Israel just because I did porn.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Okay, flex. Double citizen. Love that. I wanna do that. It's so exciting.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I'm on the, I'm on the route. Will you just die if I become a real Jewish?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] This is someone who needs to outsource to 90 Day Fiance if he's desperate. Like he needs to find a Moroccan man to come over.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Someone made a frenemies palette, did you see? They, they de, they de-shevelled the conspiracy palette, they put frenemies over it and then they put like titles, like it was really clever, it was really good.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] She just got a ticket, she got pulled over and Hollywood Fix got her, and she's in a pink Tesla.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I mean, why am I supposed to be at 32? Like, what am I supposed to just be?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Right. I mean, yeah. I guess not everyone in their thirties are like that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Uhm, Demi Lovato mad because sugar free. God, she's so out of touch.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] It's just like why? This is another one of those things where people are like being thrown off excavators. That's something to complain about. Maybe not sugar free cookies, you know? There's like other things in the world.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I literally didn't even know anything that was happening this weekend. I went onto Twitter and someone's like, Jake Paul.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The guy that lost, is he a wrestler? He's a wrestler. Do I know him? What's his name?


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Oh, oh, right, cause he was paid or something, right? Everyone's saying he got paid to do that.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I didn't. We were watching Josie and the Pussycats and eating tombstone pizza.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] Old one? Yeaah. That movie rocks. I love it. Yeaah, I love Tombstone.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I apologize for pushing you to have a conversation with me about wrestling.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] No, but people are trying to now. I listen to comedians sometimes and they're like, I'm trying to find a girl to do a podcast with like guy comedians and I think they're trying to, they're trying to take this brilliant formula that we've created of, of hating.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] What does this mean? What is that? What is that? Well, it's uhm, there is a certain thing, okay, if you hit it, you can, you can get, you can get it. Uhm, has to do with uhm, mm, mhm.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I don't know that aspect of it, but I do, but I do know it was a minor, a relatively minor ailment. Yeah. He didn't listen to doctors. And he died very suddenly. Yeah.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] The other one is called 501c3 and it seeks to mobilize the next generation to fight climate change by creating a global community that embraces low carbon culture.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I've heard a lot of speculation, uh, from people that, that know about these machines and apparently it's a, it's a built in safety thing when it's spinning that fast it automatically stops because it's not supposed to go that fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] And the thing is, is if he was trained on that piece of equipment, he would know that that could have happened. And so it's unlikely that he intentionally stopped. He was probably just holding the controller going and then it just stopped suddenly because he was going too fast.


[User] Please transcribe this text

[Assistant] I love it. Maybe you shouldn't be uh, maybe you shouldn't be Roger, you should be the, the protagonist. What's his name? Eddie? The villain? No, the, the cop.


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[Assistant] Okay, so, we're a little less formalized than the first time we played, uh, but we do have some different categories, so I'll just skip around, so uhm. Just name the category. Yeah, I'll hit you with, uh, let's start with the science question, why don't we? You're both, you're both scientists.


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[Assistant] What do I gotta beg? What is the largest animal on earth?


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[Assistant] I'll give you something even further. The largest animal to have ever existed.


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[Assistant] Yes, go ahead. Three, two, one. Uh, it is a blue whale. What'd you put? Anaconda?


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[Assistant] Yeah, probably. Are you just going off of the, uh,


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[Assistant] Alright, what was the first animal to be sent to space?


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[Assistant] Why'd the poor dog get sent first? Uh, it was the Russians.


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[Assistant] Either you know or you don't. Okay, I'm just guessing. Alright, ready? Three, two, one, we got, uh, Bora, Ali G, and Bruno, that's correct. Oh wow. Yeah, you both got it. So wait, he made a Bruno movie? Yeah.


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[Assistant] Pretty racy. Alright, uhm, here we go. Adam Sandler starred in seven movies in the 1990s. Stared. Wasn't just in, but like he was like one of the lead people in it. Can you name?


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[Assistant] Seven, you said, Dan? Yeah, I was surprised when I looked it up. He's busy, eh?


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[Assistant] Jesus Christ. He was in that many films? He was actually in more than seven in the 90s, but, uh, you know, side characters and stuff, but there were seven that he starred.


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[Assistant] Animals that eat both plants and other animals are called what?


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[Assistant] Uh, some interesting spelling choices there, but yeah, that's correct.


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[Assistant] The correct answer is Vatican City. The Vatican is its own country. I didn't know it was so small.


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[Assistant] Alright, here's one for the Americans in the room. The Statue of Liberty was a gift from what country? Easy.


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[Assistant] It's a pretty popular one. I think you probably do if you think about it.


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[Assistant] Uh, I was asking for the character name. Okay. If you know, Bones Point, if you know the actor, I guess.


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[Assistant] What? That he- He's a hack. It's-


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[Assistant] He's, it's complicated because he has legitimately made good movies. He's a really good actor. He can be. I love his dramatic roles.


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[Assistant] He was great in Uncut Gems and Punched On Glove, another one of my favorite films. Right, really good.


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[Assistant] Alright, uhm, name three of the oceans of the world.


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[Assistant] You guys wanna make it four? It's just one more. It's just one more ocean. Should be easy, right?


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[Assistant] That's a sea. That's a sea, not an ocean. I'm afraid.


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[Assistant] Alright, we're almost out of time, so let's just power a few more questions to give Trisha an opportunity to catch up here. Alright, another pop culture one. Uhm, you might know this, which character


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[Assistant] Uh, did Audrey Hepburn play in Breakfast at Tiffany's? Literally no idea.


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[Assistant] Well, we are on the Adam Sandler category again, but I will give you, let's give one that at least Ethan has a chance.


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[Assistant] Which Adam Sandler film sees his character being extorted while calling into a phone sex line?


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[Assistant] Okay, so that what Adam Sandler film is about his character being extorted while calling into a phone sex line.


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[Assistant] Sure, it's an Adam Sandler film and the story is about him, his character. He gets extorted from calling into a phone sex line.


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[Assistant] I would still say it's maybe, it's a little bit of a comedy, like a really dark comedy. I mean yea, it's a serious role.


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[Assistant] I liked Spanglish. I watched and I- You haven't- Punch struggle- It's legitimately one of his best movies. You gotta watch Punch struggle.


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[Assistant] Billy Jean King. Yeah, Billy Jean King. Was she a runner? Yeah, she was a tennis player. Oh yeah. One of the best of all time.


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[Assistant] Yeaah. Not in the whole thing. What a shame. That is a shame. Let's see what the next comment is to say.


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[Assistant] I sense that that's why I steered it the other way, but you brought it back. Yeah, I did.


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[Assistant] As we come to the end of our history of the English Revolution, I think it's high time we looked back at the first great history of the period. The history of the rebellion and civil wars in England, written by Edward Hyde, 1st Earl of Clarendon.


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[Assistant] Hyde not only lived through it all, but from his positions in parliament and the courts of Charles I and Charles II, he had a front row seat for all the action.


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[Assistant] It would not do to walk away from the English Revolution without giving the man his due.


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[Assistant] After all, his version of history essentially became the official version of history for almost 200 years.


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[Assistant] He enrolled at Middle Temple and then married in 1632, but his wife died almost immediately. So the only fruit of the union was the connection hide made with his in-laws, the Villiers.


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[Assistant] As in, George Villiers, the late Duke of Buckingham.


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[Assistant] Hyde first appeared on the royal radar by writing a defense of Buckingham's conduct, which wound up being read by an approving King Charles I.


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[Assistant] After being called to the bar, Hyde remarried in 1634, another auspicious union, that got the young attorney access to an excellent class of clients, which soon included Archbishop Laud of all people.


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[Assistant] During this period, Hyde also befriended a sensitive kindred spirit named Lucius Carey, the Viscount Falkland, and joined an informal philosophical society that generally met out of Falkland's estate.


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[Assistant] This group wound up forming the core of the so-called constitutional royalists, men who believed in both the monarchy and the established Anglican church, but who also believed that there was a set of rights and responsibilities and limits to each.


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[Assistant] In 1640, thanks to his connection to fellow attorney Oliver Syngen, Hyde was elected to the short parliament, and then a few months later he was elected to the long parliament.


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[Assistant] His role in both houses was to work tirelessly for compromise.


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[Assistant] He absolutely believed that Charles' conduct during personal rule was illegal, but all he wanted was for the king to get back into his box.


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[Assistant] Hyde supported the impeachment of Stratford, but after that unpleasant bit of political theater, he pulled back from the more extreme measures being brought up for discussion. He did not support the abolition of the bishops, and he did not support the Grand Remonstrance, both of which he thought went way too far.


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[Assistant] It was, in fact, a thorough takedown of the Grand Remonstrance that got Hyde noticed again by the King.


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[Assistant] Charles was so impressed by Hyde's reasoning that he co-opted the essay, signed his name at the bottom, and issued it as the official royal response.


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[Assistant] This brought Hyde permanently into the inner circle of Charles' court, and for the next few years he served as the king's primary ghostwriter, drafting most of the king's declarations during this critical period.


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[Assistant] But though he supported Charles, Hyde abhorred the business about the five members, and sought always to temper the king's more extreme interpretations of just what divine right really meant.


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[Assistant] When the king left London, Hyde soon followed him to York. He was knighted, put on the Privy Council, and then made Chancellor of the Exchequer.


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[Assistant] He was present at Edge Hill and was then devastated to learn that at the first battle of Newbury, his dear friend Viscount Falkland had been killed, and by all accounts the cause of death was suicide.


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[Assistant] Falkland was one of those who'd believe that Edge Hill was going to decide the war, and after it didn't, he grew despondent over the continued fighting that killed so many while helping so few. He rode out at full gallop through a line of parliamentary musketeers and was mowed down.


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[Assistant] Pretty soon though, Hyde's constant recommendations that Charles cut a deal and end the war ran him afoul of the more dedicated Cavaliers, so he was shipped off to Bristol with orders to tend to young Prince Charles.


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[Assistant] Hyde remained with the prince through the end of the first civil war, following him to Cornwall after news of the disaster at Nasby, and then on to the Silly Isles when it no longer became safe to remain in the country.


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[Assistant] Eventually, the prince's entourage settled in Jersey, where Hyde recommended that they all stay, but young Charles elected to heed his mother's call and sail for France.


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[Assistant] Hyde, meanwhile, stayed in Jersey for the next two years, and it was there that he wrote up the first volumes of what would one day become his masterful history.


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[Assistant] Through correspondence with friends back home, his own clear memories, and personal papers, he was able to reconstruct a fairly good picture of what had gone wrong and why.


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[Assistant] And though he wrote with an obvious royalist slant, Hyde is widely respected even today for refusing to let the king and his advisors off the hook.


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[Assistant] Their mistakes and misjudgments are not overlooked.


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[Assistant] When the second civil war broke out, Hyde was called to The Hague by Prince Charles, but by the time he got there, the war was already over.


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[Assistant] Shortly thereafter, he was appointed to the Prince's Privy Council over the strong objections of the Queen who did not like Hyde one bit, though it is worth noting that that feeling was mutual. Hyde did not approve of the Queen's attempt to make a deal with the French, nor did he believe that cutting a deal with those mad Presbyterians up in Scotland served anyone's best interest.


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[Assistant] After Charles I was executed, Hyde went off to serve as ambassador to Spain while Prince Charles, let's now call him Charles II, sailed off to start the Third Civil War.


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[Assistant] When Charles returned to the continent after escaping the Battle of Worcester, Hyde joined him in Paris and would serve as the would-be king's closest advisor through the years in exile, always arguing in favor of the established Anglican Church, abhorring all alliances with Catholics in Europe,


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[Assistant] Trying to put the kibosh on any half-baked scheme to restore the monarchy by way of cunning plans and daring adventures.


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[Assistant] After Oliver Cromwell's death let some sunlight shine on the flagging royalist spirit, Hyde was made Lord Chancellor, and he took the point on trying to get the old moderate parliamentarians to sign up for a great push to restore the monarchy.


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[Assistant] As the Commonwealth crumbled, Hyde was instrumental in the decision to draw up and publish the Declaration of Breda.


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[Assistant] Which paved the way for Charles to ascend to the throne on his own terms and with minimal loss of prestige, all the while making it look like he was being generous and magnanimous.


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[Assistant] After the Restoration, Hyde attained the pinnacle of his power and influence, serving as Lord Chancellor to the King he had been advising and safeguarding for the last fifteen years.


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[Assistant] Hyde was then brought even closer to the royal family when his daughter had a fling with Prince James, the future James II, and wound up pregnant.


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[Assistant] The royal family decided to accept the legitimacy of the match, and Hyde's daughter was married to James, becoming the Duchess of York, while Hyde himself was created Earl of Clarendon to give him a title befitting a royal in-law.


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[Assistant] While we're on the subject, it's worth noting that while James himself was eventually run out on the rails, he was succeeded first by his daughter Mary and then his daughter Anne, making Hyde the grandfather of two future British queens.


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[Assistant] He was never much liked by the more flagrant cavaliers, like the Duke of Buckingham Sun, for example, who ran around Restoration England like it was their own personal frat house.


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[Assistant] After England lost the Second Anglo-Dutch War in 1667, the fiasco was pinned on high, though he had steadfastly opposed entering the war in the first place. Having lost royal favor and now facing impeachment,


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[Assistant] It was during this exile, an exile that would last for the rest of his life, that Hyde returned to the great history of the rebellion he had set aside twenty years before.


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[Assistant] He constantly begged old colleagues and friends to send him documents, letters, and any inside information they might have gleaned over the years.


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[Assistant] Eventually, the work sprawled to a million words, and that only covered the period between the ascension of Charles I and the Battle of Worcester.


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[Assistant] After his death, the massive manuscript he left behind collected dust for the next 30 years, until it was finally dusted off by one of his sons, who had it published in installments between 1702 and 1704.


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[Assistant] From there on out, it more or less served as the official history of the civil wars until S.R. Gardner's own massive account finally superseded it in the 1880s.


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[Assistant] Reading it is not for the faint of heart. Because, for example, Edward Hyde, the first Earl of Clarendon, was allergic to periods.


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[Assistant] But if you ever really want to get into the civil wars, you have to read it. The abridged version is fine.


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[Assistant] You can pick up a nice version published by Oxford University Press under their official imprint, the Clarendon Press, named after our man Edward Hyde, because according to lore, proceeds from the sale of his history helped build the university's new printing house in the 1720s.


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[Assistant] Edward Hyde, I think, is more representative of the men and women who lived through the civil wars and the revolution than many of the people we wound up focusing on in the show.


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[Assistant] Naturally, it was the extremists on both sides who drove the narrative this way, and then that way, and then right into the ground.


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[Assistant] But I would guess that the majority were guys like Hyde. Men who were forced to choose sides, but who could see that, yeah, you know, you've got a point about that, but look, I've got a point about this, and isn't there a way we can just work this out?


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[Assistant] Hyde may not have been able to steer the course of history in his preferred direction while he was alive, but the epic narrative he left behind certainly steered it after he was dead.


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[Assistant] Even if you have to wade through sentences three pages long to get there.


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[Assistant] Today, we conclude our run of episodes on the English Revolution.


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[Assistant] Since the death of King Charles, we've seen numerous attempts to cement a republican constitution for Britain, but none of them have succeeded.


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[Assistant] Here now at the very end, we'll witness the last round of squabbling between the army and the rump parliament for control of the commonwealth.


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[Assistant] But of course, watching these two universally despised institutions wrestle for political dominance simply convinced everyone else that maybe bringing the king back wasn't such a bad idea. It certainly can't be worse than this.


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[Assistant] With Richard Cromwell's de facto abdication in May 1659, the rump parliament was back in power.


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[Assistant] By this point, there were only 78 members left, and their base of political support was so narrow it didn't even cast a shadow, but both the army and navy pledged their support, so the rump was insulated from its manifest unpopularity.


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[Assistant] The task facing the returning MPs was first govern the country adequately.


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[Assistant] Second, think up a method of political succession because nobody is going to be able to tolerate the rump sitting indefinitely. And third, keep the army and navy happy.


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[Assistant] But when they reconvened, they basically decided to do none of these things. Because that's how the rump parliament does it.


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[Assistant] Now the rump was not totally insensible to their weaknesses, and they took up the question of succession as soon as they sat. It was quickly decided that they would dissolve themselves by May 1660, setting a hard deadline for calling new parliamentary elections.


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[Assistant] But that was as far as the plan got because nobody could agree on how the new parliament would be constituted.


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[Assistant] The army wanted some kind of upper house, but Arthur Haslerig wasn't gonna have that.


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[Assistant] Other ideas started sprouting up in the press, including a major push from James Harrington to implement the plan that he had laid out in his magnum opus, Oceana, which I don't have time to explore in detail, but if you're interested, Google James Harrington Oceana. It's a classic of first wave utopianism.


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[Assistant] Unfortunately, most of these unsolicited plans were premised on free and full elections, which the rump, frankly, was scared to death of.


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[Assistant] For most people, the experiment with republicanism had brought nothing but instability, oppression, and a crushing great load of taxes.


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[Assistant] So disillusionment with the commonwealth was now at an all-time high, and free elections meant only one thing. The restoration of the monarchy.


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[Assistant] While the Rump debated the political future of Britain, they also took up items designed to keep the army happy. But they just couldn't help shooting themselves in the foot.


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[Assistant] For example, it took them seven weeks to pass the indemnity bill that they had promised when the army put them back in power.


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[Assistant] Then they decreed that all officers had to come to London to personally receive new commissions, which was a transparent attempt to purge the ranks of malcontents.


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[Assistant] These slights ticked off the grandees, but the grandees held their fire.


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[Assistant] Many of the junior officers seem to genuinely support rump-style republicanism, and ever since the death of Cromwell, the threat of a royalist uprising once again started to heat up.


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[Assistant] So presenting a unified front with the rump still had its advantages.


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[Assistant] In August 1659, that anticipated royalist uprising finally broke out.


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[Assistant] But when it did, it turned out to be not just the work of diehard cavaliers, but also old moderate parliamentarians like Sir William Waller, who were sick of the rump and sick of the army.


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[Assistant] The two sides found common rhetorical ground on the popular issue of free and full elections, though both clearly knew exactly what that meant in practice.


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[Assistant] But while the Restoration was now less than a year away, Booth's Uprising, as this particular Uprising is called, wound up playing out like a slightly larger version of Pen Ruddock's Uprising from a few episodes back.


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[Assistant] The return of the king was nigh, but it was not quite nigh enough.


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[Assistant] The uprising was set to begin on August the first, but well before then the Commonwealth's intelligence network was able to disrupt the various branches of the conspiracy.


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[Assistant] But though most of the branches were disrupted, up in Cheshire and Lancashire, an ex-parliamentary man named Sir George Booth managed to raise four thousand men.


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[Assistant] By August the 7th he was occupying Manchester, but overnight momentum in the movement drained away, because it soon became clear that Booths was the only uprising going.


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[Assistant] The small army managed to hold out for another two weeks, but when John Lambert led a force north, they scattered.


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[Assistant] Booth himself dressed up like a woman to escape, but he was betrayed a few days later by a suspicious tavern keeper. He was thrown in the tower, but by February, the political temperature of the nation will have changed so drastically that Booth will not only be released, but handsomely rewarded for all his noble efforts.


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[Assistant] The immediate upshot of Booth's uprising, though, was that it freed the army from its concern over a potential uprising, because that uprising has now come and gone.


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[Assistant] Which means that there was now less of an imperative to maintain that unified front with the rump.


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[Assistant] So if the rump decided to keep stomping on their toes, the grandies would now be happy to stomp back.


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[Assistant] And that mutual stomping got going almost immediately.


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[Assistant] General Fleetwood tried to get Lambert re-elevated to his old rank of Major General, but Arthur Haslerig suspected, not without good cause, that Lambert was angling to get himself made Lord Protector, and he refused the commission, something Lambert's allies in the army were none too happy about.


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[Assistant] Then, disagreements over the next parliament spilled out into the open.


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[Assistant] In September 1659, the Rump formed a committee to hammer out the terms of the new parliament.


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[Assistant] But it soon leaked that Hazelrig was back to pushing for recruiter elections, elections that would allow the rump to extend itself indefinitely while closely guarding who would get in and win. This was unacceptable to the army.


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[Assistant] In mid-September, Lambert's own regiment wrote up and submitted the Darby Petition, so-called because they were stationed in Darby at the time.


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[Assistant] The petition made the by now standard issue soldierly demands for back pay and pensions, but they also demanded a reorganized general staff that would make Lambert the number two man behind General Fleetwood.


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[Assistant] Now Lambert was in London when the petition was drawn up, and there is good reason to believe him when he says that he had nothing to do with it.


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[Assistant] But still. I mean, you blame Hazelrigg and the Rum for thinking that Lambert was currently masterminding a plot to get himself made Lord Protector?


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[Assistant] In a misbegotten attempt to defuse the situation, Fleetwood obtained an advanced copy of the Derby petition and showed it to Haselrig.


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[Assistant] But rather than help quietly kill it, Haslerig marched it down to Westminster, read it to his fellow MPs, and then demanded Lambert be arrested and thrown in the tower.


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[Assistant] But this was a bit much even for the rump, and all they demanded was that Lambert be reprimanded.


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[Assistant] But even in leniency, they managed to shoot themselves in the foot by concluding with a statement that they considered any new promotions to the General Staff dangerous to the health of the Commonwealth at this time.


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[Assistant] Which the rank and file of the army took to mean, we don't like or trust any of your officers. You know, the ones that you not only love but would happily follow into hell. It was an ill-advised declaration, to say the least.


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[Assistant] By the beginning of October, officers were meeting and letting it be known that they considered it their duty to oppose tyranny in whatever form tyranny takes to catch our drift.


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[Assistant] A petition that had been requested to halt the momentum of the Derby petition wound up not only endorsing the Derby petition, but going even further, and saying that the rump had better not try to sack any more officers, or there would be trouble.


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[Assistant] This new petition continued to be passed around by Lambert and eight other senior commanders even after it had been submitted to Parliament, which was a serious breach of protocol, not that Lambert probably cared.


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[Assistant] With the army clearly making its move, the rump decided to go all crazy drastic, and passed a bill declaring that all laws, all of them, passed since April 1653, that is, since Cromwell dispersed them the first time, were null and void.


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[Assistant] Then they passed a bill that said taxes could not be collected without express parliamentary authority.


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[Assistant] What that meant in practice was that if the army launched a coup, there would be no legal or political framework for them to operate in, nor would they have any means of raising money.


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[Assistant] The game of constitutional chicken picked up speed a few days later when General Monk sent a secret note down from Scotland to Arthur Haslerig, saying in essence, look, if you're really going to take on Lambert, you're going to need my help.


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[Assistant] Now, maybe this was an implicit offer, maybe it was just pointing out the obvious, but Hazelreg leapt to the conclusion that Monk was with him.


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[Assistant] So, Haslerig pushed through a bill cashiering Lambert and the eight other officers who had been circulating the army petition.


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[Assistant] Then the rump-stripped General Fleetwood of his Commander-in-Chief title informed a parliamentary committee to run the Army, a committee dominated by Hasslerig.


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[Assistant] That very night, the new committee attempted to use their new military powers by ordering regiments in London to come to Westminster and physically defend parliament.


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[Assistant] But the majority of the soldiers ignored this order, and instead looked to Lambert for instructions.


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[Assistant] Lambert surveyed his options and told the men to surround the few companies who would actually obey the committee's order.


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[Assistant] The troops protecting parliament soon realized that they were on the wrong side, and started defecting over to Lambert in droves.


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[Assistant] Barricaded inside Westminster, Haslerig and his few remaining allies refused to discuss terms believing that even if they lost this round, Monk would soon be marching south to restore them once again. They were sort of right about that last bit.


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[Assistant] That was no deterrent for Lambert. On October the 13th, 1659, he forcibly dissolved the rump. Again.


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[Assistant] He then organized a committee of safety to take over executive functions until he was able to grapple with the full ramifications of the rumps vote abolishing every law passed in the last five years.


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[Assistant] Up in Scotland, General Monk now found himself in the driver's seat of history.


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[Assistant] His weight would essentially tip the scales in any direction he chose.


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[Assistant] Would he back the coup, come down and restore the rump, or would he do, you know, the other thing?


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[Assistant] I mean, everyone knew that Monk had been a royalist once upon a time, even if he had given no signs of disloyalty to the Commonwealth since.


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[Assistant] But on the off chance that he was ready to start showing signs of disloyalty, agents of Charles II dispatched a letter promising monk £100,000 a year for life if he declared for the king.


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[Assistant] Monk was no dummy, though, and having been told what was in the unopened letter, refused to even accept it.


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[Assistant] He didn't want to lock himself into anything, and he didn't want people to know what he was really thinking. Something he entirely succeeded at.


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[Assistant] What he was aiming for and when he started aiming for it is as much a mystery to us as it was to his contemporaries.


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[Assistant] He did not approve of the army coup, and in its wake, he purged officers from his own ranks suspected of being sympathetic to Lambert.


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[Assistant] This freaked out the new Committee of Safety enough that they sent Lambert up north at the beginning of November,


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[Assistant] To personally gather a force that could take on Monk should he decide to start marching south.


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[Assistant] Pretty soon Lambert had some 12,000 men under arms, comfortably outnumbering the 4,000 monk had at his disposal.


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[Assistant] But as we will see, disparities in pay, morale, and commitment prove far more decisive than raw troop counts.


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[Assistant] A standoff ensued for the rest of November and into December.


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[Assistant] Lambert insisted Munk accept elections for a new parliament under terms to be decided by the Council of Officers, but Munk said no, first restore the rump, and then we'll talk about the next round of elections, which Lambert, of course, could not accept.


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[Assistant] Hazelrig, meanwhile, had managed to escape down to Portsmouth, where a friendly governor turned over control of the city.


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[Assistant] Except this time, it's between the army who everyone hates, and the rump who everyone also hates.


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[Assistant] This is the point when pamphlets and petitions calling for full and free elections really started flooding off the presses. No restrictions, no oversights, no vetoes over membership, just call the free elections already and we'll see what we see.


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[Assistant] The standoff finally started to break Monk's way in late December, but mostly because the army was finding it extraordinarily difficult to drum up the cash it needed to pay their men.


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[Assistant] The generals wanted to pay their men, they needed to pay their men, they just didn't have the money to pay their men, and they couldn't raise the money to pay their men.


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[Assistant] The standoff also started breaking Monk's way because he was soon joined by the one man whose name carried more weight with the soldiers than everyone else's put together, Sir Thomas Fairfax.


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[Assistant] Monk had put out feelers to the old general in November, and was surprised to discover that Fairfax was open to an alliance.


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[Assistant] Fairfax was totally opposed to the army coup, both because it was an affront to republican government, and because it made his beloved army look really, really bad.


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[Assistant] So, he agreed to coordinate an uprising in York that would help pin down Lambert militarily to say nothing of pinning him down politically.


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[Assistant] By the end of December, riots in London coupled with dissatisfaction in the rank and file turned the army basically against their own generals.


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[Assistant] Two regiments stationed at Whitehall defected to the Rumpside, and then the Navy decided to sail 20 warships up the Thames.


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[Assistant] On December 23rd, the Speaker of the House ordered Fleetwood to surrender the keys to Westminster, and then ordered the army to parade under his, that is the Speaker's, authority.


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[Assistant] The army complied, if for no other reason than parliament might actually be able to pay them.


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[Assistant] The rump hastily reconvened, and then sent a letter up to Monk expressing their gratitude, and telling him his services, though, would not be required after all.


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[Assistant] Monk replied by saying, hey no problem, but you know, I think I'm gonna come down anyway.


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[Assistant] Which is when you can really start suspecting that his real plan was not to restore the rump at all, but to restore the monarchy.


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[Assistant] Even as he publicly denied that this was anywhere close to his real plan.


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[Assistant] As promised, Fairfax rallied nearly 2,000 men on Marston Moor to threaten the rear of Lambert's army.


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[Assistant] But though Lambert's army was still technically in the field, it was hemorrhaging deserters and defectors so fast that the very next day Lambert gave up and submitted to Parliament's authority, ordering his garrison in York to surrender to Fairfax.


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[Assistant] Monk's Forces, then march south at a leisurely pace.


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[Assistant] Meanwhile, down in London, a rump was trying desperately to cling to the power it had just retaken by declaring that it was going to go ahead with recruiter elections, come hell or high water.


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[Assistant] Then they sent orders to Monk telling him to come to London, hoping to make it look like Monk was marching south because they had ordered him to. Which fooled exactly no one.


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[Assistant] When Monk finally got to the outskirts of London, he formally requested that the regiment stationed outside the city, all led by men loyal to the rump, please be sent elsewhere to make room for my men.


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[Assistant] He tried to make this sound as routine as possible, and the rump even tried to resist for a bit, but I mean, who are they kidding? The allied regiments moved, and Monk set up camp.


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[Assistant] But even as he seemed to be working against the rump, when the general entered the city on February the 3rd, he very publicly met with their leaders and seemed to be embracing the idea of allowing them to run the country.


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[Assistant] But then he threw in another twist, by declining to take an oath, swearing that he would ever support the restoration of the House of Stuart.


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[Assistant] Monk claimed a temperamental dislike for oath-taking, and if you'll recall he did get into hot water with Charles I for refusing to take essentially the exact opposite oath,


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[Assistant] But still, they did nothing to convince the Rump that their supposed savior was actually on their side.


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[Assistant] It was tension with the city of London, though, that finally killed the rump, that beast that wouldn't die.


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[Assistant] Shortly after Monk's arrival, the City Common Council started debating whether or not they should continue to comply with the Rump's tax requests, which said more about the effects of the oppressive tax burden and the city's political agenda.


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[Assistant] But the Rump panicked, thought a city revolt was imminent, and ordered Monk to lead troops into London, arrest the council ringleaders, and then systematically destroy all of London's defenses, including the gates.


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[Assistant] Now Monk had no interest in doing any of this, but he decided to play along for the moment and do as the Rump requested.


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[Assistant] Slowly and half-heartedly, the army started dismantling all the various gates.


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[Assistant] At the end of the first day's work, Monk asked the rump if the point had been made, and can I stop doing this now, please, whereupon the rump said, hell no, not only that, we're dissolving the common council, and need you to back us up on that too.


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[Assistant] This is the point where a monk really starts to tip his hand.


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[Assistant] He had his officer sign a letter to parliament stating that this business with the city was upsetting them all mightily.